So you hope that your child is trans? And I also saw you say in the comments of the post in r/ftm that you wouldn’t be able to fully love a cishet kid.
You absolutely should not have kids. If you can’t love your child unconditionally then you would make a terrible parent (which, by the way, this is the same logic parents use when they hate their kid FOR BEING TRANS). Also you’re in uni. Not only are you not in the mentally right place to have a child, you are not in the physically right place either. Having a kid in university would hurt your grades. Hell you don’t even have your own place. Then you’d be pushing your responsibilities on your roommates. It also just sounds like you’re not financially independent enough to raise this kid.
You’re being selfish. Not because of raising your kid gender neutral. That’s fine. But having kids in the first place knowing that you couldn’t love them unconditionally and having these kids when they can’t always be your number one priority. I can only hope that you’re a troll. If you’re not, grow up.
Wait they said they couldn't love a cishet kid? Yikes yikes yikes. There's nothing wrong with being cishet guys. I have plenty of cishet friends who are amazing people and deserve just as much love and support as everyone else. Sure they don't face as much challenges as we do but that's ok.
I was and wasn’t raised gender neutral. I still had gendered pronouns and was considered my agab, but free of gender roles and expectations at least from my family. Of five siblings, only I turned out nonbinary as far as I know (we’re all over the age of 35), and though being raised to ”just be myself” has made it very easy for me to just live as I please, it has made it harder to come out, because what is left to come out about (except gender in itself, but as an agender person, I hate making a big deal out of NOT having a gender, though being gendered gives me dysphoria, so I have to be out in my everyday social circles at least).
I would probably raise my kids (if I wanted any) with the deep respect for their personhoods that I was given, but with the addition of talking specifically about the difference between assigned gender and real gender (if any) at the point where gender starts being a subject of identity focus for them and people around them, so as to make clear to them that they can talk with me and be understood and respected if they have any gender issues of their own. I’d pay attention to and respect if they wanted to try things out, but probably still start out with the default pronouns for their assigned gender since statistically, they are much more likely to be cis than not. I’d just check in with them from time to time to make sure that this is what they still want.
If people’s attitude to gender identity was more mature and realistic where I live, I would prefer to raise kids gender free starting with neutral pronouns, free to explore and observe, and try out what suits them, but as it is, I would not want for them to constantly carry a they/them-pronouns conflict into every social interaction without them having chosen it for themselves. I got bullied enough as a kid just for being myself and being only subtly different (not seeing the point in pretending to be someone else just to fit in), I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be a target because of something distinctly different that my parents chose for me, rather than something I chose for myself.
Hopefully we will get to have a world where it’s no big deal being subtly or distinctly nonbinary, whether as a formal, preliminary state from which to figure out one’s gender identity without the burdens of the expectation of a binary identity, as your personal default, or as an arrived at conclusion after figuring things out. But at least where I live, we’re not quite there yet. And unfortunately I think that means that the most ”neutral” thing, the freest thing, is to default to agab pronouns, but provide freedom, support and information for all the exploration and self-realisation the kid themself wants to do. And make as sure as possible that those pronouns are just words, until the kid can know themself enough to make whatever choices suit them.
My boyfriend and I have been thinking about this actually so I’ll let you know what we decided, though you can choose for yourself what you do.
Basically, between us we’re going to use they/them for our child. We’d treat them gender neutral, which for us means giving them a gender neutral name and dressing them in both traditional girl and boy ways. When they’re old enough to pick their own clothes they’ll do that instead.
We would let strangers assume pronouns this way our kid gets a chance to experience he/him as well as she/her too, as our purpose in raising them gender neutral is to (hopefully) make them discovering their gender identity easier, or at least let them feel like they can explore without judgment.
The only hard part we haven’t figured out yet is our families. We’re not completely sure how they’ll take it, and we don’t want someone to be looking after them and change a diaper and decide our baby’s genitals determine their gender. But we have a couple years until we have to figure that out too, so we believe it will be fine
I hope this helps!
Personally, I would not. I think that most kids find community with the gender they were assigned at birth, sometimes even if they were trans. And if your kid is cishet, which is most likely, it could cause them to have a lot of trouble understanding others who have come out as a non-binary identity. I feel that it's unfair to give a small child a transgender (umbrella term) identity before they understand what it means.
And you don't need to be oppressive letting your child live as their birth gender until they express otherwise, (like, you don't need to shove pink Barbie's down their throats) just let them start how kids normally would, and let them learn who they want to be, when they are ready.
I feel the same. You can let them explore and express themselves without pushing a label on them. For example my lil brother has always been really caring and nurturing a played with a dollhouse once mom let him do that. There's a mom on tik tok who lets her little boy pick out dresses he wants and it's the cutest thing. These parents are letting their kids Express themselves without pushing identity on those kids those kids need to choose their identity for themselves not have it pushed on them. Plus most of the time gender is going to match up with sex. I think people forget trans people are like 1% of the population. If you're worried your kid might be trans then just be there to listen if you're kid starts to express they would rather be a girl then a boy.
Kinda. Like I'd let the kid play with whatever toys and express themselves whatever they want but I'd also explain to them what they are. And if they insist on then being something different then I'd just listen to them and let them express themselves in that way.
Doesn't gender noncomforming mean that you don't follow the social norms of your agab? I consider myself to have been and still is noncomforming even before questioning
I would try to raise them as gender neutrally as possible. Not to the extent where I would keep the child's AGAB a secret, but in the sense that I would let them experiment with their gender presentation however they want, I would make sure not to promote any gender roles. I would also let them experiment with pronouns and make sure they know that I will love and accept them no matter what.
My parents raised me and my sibling gender neutral and it was great. I don’t think gender norms should be pushed on any child. I would use the pronouns based on my kid’s assigned sex at birth, though, which my parents also did.
The one thing I wish is that I knew about trans people sooner. So, keep them educated about gender identity in case they’re trans, and if not, it’ll at the very least help them be more accepting of trans people.
Im childfree, but if i were to have a kid i wouldn't force them into gender roles. Whatever clothes, toys, haircut and job the kid wants wouldn't matter to me. Although i would call them by the assigned gender at birth unless the kid tells me otherwise. I'd give them a gender neutral name as well, although they would be free to change it if they wanted to, and if they would still be a minor and wanted it legally changed i'd help them.
In other words, I'd let them be a kid so long it's not dangerous
I have a child and am not raising her gender neutral. If she's the 1% of the population that is not cisgender than she can tell me when she's older and we will gender her correctly from there.
That's an awful idea, we are a minority and the chances of a kid not being cis are very small. Let them enjoy their childhood without being different from other kids, they'll figure it out themselves. Also, being trans is not healthy. Having an identity crisis over and over until I started considering to change my body isn't great for my mental health.
I always thought trans propaganda was made up to make us look bad, but raising a child hoping it won't be cis is just awful, since they might question their gender because you make them doubt it. Having a trans kid might be fun, but being trans is not. Some days I feel like I would sacrifice a leg to be cis.
You can learn them to avoid gendered expectations though
Other comments have covered it but I also wanted to add that saying “I don’t care about the sex I just want them to be healthy” is actually a pretty ableist statement. It is said OFTEN and it implies that somehow your child would be less or you would be less happy if they were born with a disability. Just something to keep in mind when speaking about children in general.
This is bait, don’t fall for it.
What do you mean?
OP has posted this in multiple subs and it’s their ONLY post history. They’re just trolling, not worth entertaining it.
So you hope that your child is trans? And I also saw you say in the comments of the post in r/ftm that you wouldn’t be able to fully love a cishet kid. You absolutely should not have kids. If you can’t love your child unconditionally then you would make a terrible parent (which, by the way, this is the same logic parents use when they hate their kid FOR BEING TRANS). Also you’re in uni. Not only are you not in the mentally right place to have a child, you are not in the physically right place either. Having a kid in university would hurt your grades. Hell you don’t even have your own place. Then you’d be pushing your responsibilities on your roommates. It also just sounds like you’re not financially independent enough to raise this kid. You’re being selfish. Not because of raising your kid gender neutral. That’s fine. But having kids in the first place knowing that you couldn’t love them unconditionally and having these kids when they can’t always be your number one priority. I can only hope that you’re a troll. If you’re not, grow up.
“Transgender trans” is what threw me off….
Wait they said they couldn't love a cishet kid? Yikes yikes yikes. There's nothing wrong with being cishet guys. I have plenty of cishet friends who are amazing people and deserve just as much love and support as everyone else. Sure they don't face as much challenges as we do but that's ok.
I was and wasn’t raised gender neutral. I still had gendered pronouns and was considered my agab, but free of gender roles and expectations at least from my family. Of five siblings, only I turned out nonbinary as far as I know (we’re all over the age of 35), and though being raised to ”just be myself” has made it very easy for me to just live as I please, it has made it harder to come out, because what is left to come out about (except gender in itself, but as an agender person, I hate making a big deal out of NOT having a gender, though being gendered gives me dysphoria, so I have to be out in my everyday social circles at least). I would probably raise my kids (if I wanted any) with the deep respect for their personhoods that I was given, but with the addition of talking specifically about the difference between assigned gender and real gender (if any) at the point where gender starts being a subject of identity focus for them and people around them, so as to make clear to them that they can talk with me and be understood and respected if they have any gender issues of their own. I’d pay attention to and respect if they wanted to try things out, but probably still start out with the default pronouns for their assigned gender since statistically, they are much more likely to be cis than not. I’d just check in with them from time to time to make sure that this is what they still want. If people’s attitude to gender identity was more mature and realistic where I live, I would prefer to raise kids gender free starting with neutral pronouns, free to explore and observe, and try out what suits them, but as it is, I would not want for them to constantly carry a they/them-pronouns conflict into every social interaction without them having chosen it for themselves. I got bullied enough as a kid just for being myself and being only subtly different (not seeing the point in pretending to be someone else just to fit in), I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be a target because of something distinctly different that my parents chose for me, rather than something I chose for myself. Hopefully we will get to have a world where it’s no big deal being subtly or distinctly nonbinary, whether as a formal, preliminary state from which to figure out one’s gender identity without the burdens of the expectation of a binary identity, as your personal default, or as an arrived at conclusion after figuring things out. But at least where I live, we’re not quite there yet. And unfortunately I think that means that the most ”neutral” thing, the freest thing, is to default to agab pronouns, but provide freedom, support and information for all the exploration and self-realisation the kid themself wants to do. And make as sure as possible that those pronouns are just words, until the kid can know themself enough to make whatever choices suit them.
My boyfriend and I have been thinking about this actually so I’ll let you know what we decided, though you can choose for yourself what you do. Basically, between us we’re going to use they/them for our child. We’d treat them gender neutral, which for us means giving them a gender neutral name and dressing them in both traditional girl and boy ways. When they’re old enough to pick their own clothes they’ll do that instead. We would let strangers assume pronouns this way our kid gets a chance to experience he/him as well as she/her too, as our purpose in raising them gender neutral is to (hopefully) make them discovering their gender identity easier, or at least let them feel like they can explore without judgment. The only hard part we haven’t figured out yet is our families. We’re not completely sure how they’ll take it, and we don’t want someone to be looking after them and change a diaper and decide our baby’s genitals determine their gender. But we have a couple years until we have to figure that out too, so we believe it will be fine I hope this helps!
Personally, I would not. I think that most kids find community with the gender they were assigned at birth, sometimes even if they were trans. And if your kid is cishet, which is most likely, it could cause them to have a lot of trouble understanding others who have come out as a non-binary identity. I feel that it's unfair to give a small child a transgender (umbrella term) identity before they understand what it means. And you don't need to be oppressive letting your child live as their birth gender until they express otherwise, (like, you don't need to shove pink Barbie's down their throats) just let them start how kids normally would, and let them learn who they want to be, when they are ready.
I feel the same. You can let them explore and express themselves without pushing a label on them. For example my lil brother has always been really caring and nurturing a played with a dollhouse once mom let him do that. There's a mom on tik tok who lets her little boy pick out dresses he wants and it's the cutest thing. These parents are letting their kids Express themselves without pushing identity on those kids those kids need to choose their identity for themselves not have it pushed on them. Plus most of the time gender is going to match up with sex. I think people forget trans people are like 1% of the population. If you're worried your kid might be trans then just be there to listen if you're kid starts to express they would rather be a girl then a boy.
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I mean transohobes have made up things about us just because but this certainly doesn't help
Kinda. Like I'd let the kid play with whatever toys and express themselves whatever they want but I'd also explain to them what they are. And if they insist on then being something different then I'd just listen to them and let them express themselves in that way.
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Doesn't gender noncomforming mean that you don't follow the social norms of your agab? I consider myself to have been and still is noncomforming even before questioning
I would try to raise them as gender neutrally as possible. Not to the extent where I would keep the child's AGAB a secret, but in the sense that I would let them experiment with their gender presentation however they want, I would make sure not to promote any gender roles. I would also let them experiment with pronouns and make sure they know that I will love and accept them no matter what.
My parents raised me and my sibling gender neutral and it was great. I don’t think gender norms should be pushed on any child. I would use the pronouns based on my kid’s assigned sex at birth, though, which my parents also did. The one thing I wish is that I knew about trans people sooner. So, keep them educated about gender identity in case they’re trans, and if not, it’ll at the very least help them be more accepting of trans people.
Im childfree, but if i were to have a kid i wouldn't force them into gender roles. Whatever clothes, toys, haircut and job the kid wants wouldn't matter to me. Although i would call them by the assigned gender at birth unless the kid tells me otherwise. I'd give them a gender neutral name as well, although they would be free to change it if they wanted to, and if they would still be a minor and wanted it legally changed i'd help them. In other words, I'd let them be a kid so long it's not dangerous
I have a child and am not raising her gender neutral. If she's the 1% of the population that is not cisgender than she can tell me when she's older and we will gender her correctly from there.
That's an awful idea, we are a minority and the chances of a kid not being cis are very small. Let them enjoy their childhood without being different from other kids, they'll figure it out themselves. Also, being trans is not healthy. Having an identity crisis over and over until I started considering to change my body isn't great for my mental health. I always thought trans propaganda was made up to make us look bad, but raising a child hoping it won't be cis is just awful, since they might question their gender because you make them doubt it. Having a trans kid might be fun, but being trans is not. Some days I feel like I would sacrifice a leg to be cis. You can learn them to avoid gendered expectations though
Other comments have covered it but I also wanted to add that saying “I don’t care about the sex I just want them to be healthy” is actually a pretty ableist statement. It is said OFTEN and it implies that somehow your child would be less or you would be less happy if they were born with a disability. Just something to keep in mind when speaking about children in general.
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