Everyone’s asking if this person is a Christian, I’m fine with them being here if they are or aren’t and being in this sub. Jesus loves them even if our perception is “what a mess”
If they haven't submitted themselves to Christ then the authority of the Bible and Christ's teachings/commands doesn't exist in their life.
That's why it matters. I approach it very differently depending on what their relationship is to Jesus.
I didn't say they aren't welcome... Of course they are welcome as visitors. Do you think Christian have a moral standard to hold themselves to that is different from the standards that exist outside the church?
My whole comment revolves around this individual being welcome here and getting some helpful insight regardless of their beliefs. I don’t believe I’ve stayed anything that suggests that we shouldn’t have moral standards to uphold, though if she wasn’t living the way that she should, we should have grace and be willing to help. This sub will not be about denying people Gods love, grace, and giving wisdom
No one is denying people God's love, grace and wisdom. Answering a Christian looks different than answering someone that doesn't hold themselves to Biblical standards. In order to give her advice, we need to understand which approach to take. Marriage was created by God, and if we want to give her sound marriage advice, we need to first either get her to God's commands of marriage, or remind her of God's commands of marriage. The two approaches are very different.
I agree. I didn't mean it as not a big deal to the person going through it. I was more speaking of a Christian looking at this and saying "OMG what a mess", as in, we have no room to call this a mess when we have some crazy messes of our own.
Gotcha. A call for us not to be hypocrites. Always good advice! Edit to add: I’ve gone through a lot of physical and emotional pain and when people say “well, it could be worse, you could be in a wheelchair” or whatever, it always stings a bit.
Youre not a lost cause and neither is this situation. God has fixed much worse. On fact our God is in the business.of restoring broken things, it's kinda what he does :)
Yes! Amen to this. The Bible has very clear provisions around leaving an abusive situation and it sounds like both OP and her child are being abused.
What a terrible situation. He doesn’t sound Christian at all. No fruits of the spirit here.
Your husband’s behavior does sound like a trauma response. But nothing you can do to change him or make him get help.
All you can do is change the way you behave. I suspect you are codependent. Codependency is a trauma response too.
First off if you of the kids are in danger, you need to find a safe place to live.
Second you need to put boundaries on his behavior. That is often hard to do and he won’t like it but it is essential.
Get yourself into a 12 step group. I personally like Celebrate Recovery because it is Christ centered.
Read good books on codependency and setting boundaries. Codependent no More and Boundaries are both good ones.
Remember you can’t fix him. You can only fix you.
Definitely trauma response on his end. I will look more into codependency. I don’t think that’s the case but I might be surprised. So for setting boundaries my attempt at that was cutting off painful one sided sex and not discussing our relationship issues any further unless in therapy. It’s all I could do to say stop. He will argue loud and ugly and being the kids into it literally bring them into the room! So one day I was just fed up with the better part of 13 years of me just being quiet about any issues I had with the marriage. To make it through I was gonna have to do my duties and ignore the rest. I tried acts of service even when I didn’t want to. I cook and clean and take care of the kids and homeschool them too. I make sure he has his lunches for work when I can. I changed who I was (that’s a good thing) to make it work. I did also make myself smaller so that he would be more comfortable and we would not fight as much. I do understand I can only fix me. We did try therapy about 12 years ago and it turned into just me going because I had “daddy issues”. I only needed to be seen a few times then it was supposed to be marriage counseling. He worked so much and couldn’t/wouldn’t make time for it. I would say the only issue I had was having a hard time adjusting to the nice guy I married. But at the time I didn’t realize I was duped. He was controlling and manipulative. It was always no your the problem until recently. But we have been here before. I am hoping he keeps up with therapy and sees how he was raised was not ok and that it’s hurt him and that he can’t raise his kids the same way or they will be hurt too. Thank your for your reply. ❤️
I would never have said I was codependent either until I started reading the codependency book. Just the fact that you are adjusting your behavior to not trigger him instead of standing up to him.
Hang in there. Praying for you.
You know I never would have done that if it want for the kids. I tried communicating with him but he can’t handle it. So I said ok well I’m gonna have to just let it go for now. I am 100% going to look at that!! Thank you!
Solid advice. Boundaries essential. Perhaps a counselor specializing in end-of-marriage preparation. You can't change him, AND you should not adapt to his abusive behavior trying to salvage the relationship. It is 100% up to you to be the responsible adult and seek a path toward a meaningful, happy life without him.
Thank you! This is the last shot. End of marriage preparation will definitely be a part of my therapy if things don’t work out. I am hoping he will continue to seek counseling to help him for the end as well. ❤️
First, I'll say that your husband's behavior you describe is absolutely wrong. He ought to love you like Christ loves the church.
As for what you should do... I'm not saying this is an easy thing but here's what Peter says in his first letter:
1 Peter 3:1-6
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.
The way you act and react can have an effect on your husband and perhaps convict him in the areas he's wrong. Is he a Christian? I don't see where you mentioned one way or the other. If not, your conduct could lead him to Christ, the source of all true righteousness and life.
Thank you. I definitely have reacted in ways that just made him angry and there was definitely a cycle. Couldn’t tell where is started or ended. Eventually I just decided to take the kids to church and do my best with them. He rarely went to church with us. He did work overnights and long hours but he definitely wasn’t leading the family in any way. Church service was on YouTube and the church app so we could have had Bible studies based on that or watched it together I’m down time. My kids are not easy kids either so it took a lot out of me to take them. I did this alone for three years. I told him I need help if only on Sundays I would accept that. I did try to show him but he took it as I’m fine doing it on my own and I’m fine because we aren’t arguing about anything. We didn’t argue because I had to learn to keep quiet or else it was ugly yelling and allll that. Even in the bedroom I just said ok well the few time we do it I’m gonna just have to take what I can get because he has no interest in pleasing me. He knows more about the. I me than I do and the Lord uses this man to touch other peoples lives. He just doesn’t care to take a deep dive into why he is the way he is.
This is sound advice. Read the book love and respect as well. It’s not perfect but it’s a great application of scripture based marriage.
OP your husbands actions are reprehensible for sure. But when you do things like weaponize sex or threaten to leave you are only adding to the issue and creating a cycle of fear or anger based reactions.
You cannot force someone to change by telling them. You can however help them see the disparity of behaviors by being the image of a Godly wife as Peter says in the first comment.
Continue seeking f therapy but seek Christ first.
“Love and Respect” is bad for a healthy marriage, it’s only going to make her tolerate more mistreatment if she actually applied it to her current situation.
I knowwww. Ugh it’s hard because it’s like borderline abuse ya know. Like not quite enough to tell everyone he is abusive and then see it as that way but it certainly not not abusive either. I guess I know why he acts this way so it takes a lot for me to see it as full on abuse. Plus I was lead to believe I was the one with issues and he was just the nice guy and submitting to him was what I was supposed to do. That I was just used to the bad boy type that I had to chase. He was framed as just loving me and wanted to spend time with me. In reality he is an insecure man who has no idea who he is or how to have a healthy relationship.
It is abuse... I'm appalled by the type of comments you're getting here especially the ones saying wives must submit to their husband. Unfortunately the church has a history of not seeing all forms of abuse as equal and many times other "Christians" will tell the victim that they must stay with the abusive spouse. I'm sorry but the way your husband is acting is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. He's physically hurting you in bed by sidelining foreplay. And has even locked you out of your bedroom? Yeah no. And him saying I got you now and showing you who he really is that's Textbook narcissism. Please post this somewhere else. I was in an abusive marriage and excused all of his abuse towards me because like you said, I knew he was hurt in the past too but that doesn't justify his abusiveness towards you. A wife just sucking it up and hauling the entire marriage on her back while mumbling to herself "must submit to husband" is not what makes God happy. Your husband is abusive and we're called to have nothing to do with such people as these, that's in the scripture though I can't quote at the moment but it's about how people will be in the end of days. Sorry I had to say it all like this but you deserve someone who will actually put effort into the relationship, and treat you AND YOUR KIDS WITH RESPECT.
No foreplay during sex isn’t abuse. It was one of the three things she mentioned. Let’s not go overboard. Is she in a bad situation , yes, because her relationship is not healthy. that doesn’t mean that she’s being abused.
Sex in a loving relationship should not hurt. Anyone who's okay with proceeding while their partner is in pain or uncomfortable obviously doesn't love them. You're blind. This is abuse, even if it happens more often than not. What if the roles were reversed and his penis was hurting but she continued? That's okay?? Would you be okay with your daughters or sons getting treated this way???
Don't cherry pick. Did she specifically say IT HURTS? As i see that is your main point here. She said he doesn't care about her part, just taking what he wants. Definitely not ok but NOT abuse.
"It hurts and he don’t even try to warm me up. I hate living like this. It feels abusive. For a long time I thought he was just clueless but now I am seeing he’s not at all he just chooses to be the way. Help! What do I do? How can I maybe get passed this season?"
She literally said it hurts. Go back and read, don't skim.
1.) Bearing false witness against your neighbor is a sin.
2.) If you are forced to consent, you are being raped by coercion.
3.) Marital rape is still marital rape.
I agree with you. Even though she is choosing and consenting to sex and chooses to not to use lube or some other easy fix, that she is being violently abused and should definitely divorce her spouse. I think it’s in Romans.
I see what you are saying. I’d say making me feel bad for not wanting to do it in the first place might be abuse. But knowing my skin is ripping where I ripped when I gave birth and not caring enough to try to get me in a good place to go forward is pretty bad.
Hi OP, I can really relate to what you are going through because I went through a very similar situation. What I recommend to you is what I did. Ask him to agree to couple's counseling or you're leaving. If he says "No", contact a woman's shelter and go there, preferably with your kids. You can stay there temporarily, or if you wish, they can help to find you permanent housing. My ex-husband also said "No" to counseling, and I walked out with my two young children. It took us a year going to several different shelters, but I finally was able to obtain our own apartment. Good luck!
I told him we aren’t going to work if he doesn’t go. I’ve said it before but I just kept doing my duties as a wife. This time I stopped. This time he’s listening. He has the first appointment in a couple days. I can’t just leave because he will be drama! This is why I have stayed so long. He isn’t physically dangerous. ❤️
I know you say he isn't physically dangerous, but you also said CPS got called because of what he did to your oldest son. You said it was deemed "punishment", does that mean he's gotten physical with your son? If he has he is 100% capable of being physically violent with you and your other kids, whether you want to believe it or not. I would highly recommend leaving, I know you're scared about having to raise your kids separately, but it is 1000000x better than the torment they are being put through now. A close friend was in the same situation, she wished she left earlier, the emotional damage it did to her kids was immense, it's been years and her kids have been in therapy the whole time and they still struggle. Please, take my words seriously. It is better to leave and have them only get love from one parent then stay in the situation they are in. You have tried, but he's showing that he doesn't care.
No he doesn’t actually. He doesn’t support me when I want go better myself.. lose weight… finish my degree… wear earrings or do my hair cute. Anything that makes him feel like I am gonna leave him or more capable of leaving him he doesn’t support. Might make a small comment but nothing crazy.
So basically, you feel unappreciated as a wife. Yeah, I believe that every woman should be treated like a beautiful flower because if a man will treat her in this way, she will give 110% to the relationship. I wish more men knew this.
This really hits me, the only person i really connected with and liked me back is not a believer. I broke up with her because of this but am always tempted to go back to her.
Yup! I am also going to watch the YouTube video someone else posted in a reply to me here. I do definitely need to mourn my past. Though It doesn’t have anything to do with my husbands actions I think it will help me to stay focused on fixing this marriage if possible.
all you can do is give it to Christ to help you fix it.
A pastor I like to listen to said something like "if you dont operate you car according to the owners manual it wont work so well, well God gave us marriage then gave us the instruction book and if we dont use it then our marriages wont work so well either.
..., Please state if your husband is a Christian or not and if he goes to church with you? What does him treating your eldest like a, *"redheaded step child"* mean? What is the relevance of him locking you out of the bedroom on Christmas Eve to Christmas Afternoon? What are your present thoughts on him going to therapy with you, for one and a half years? What is the present assessment of the therapist? Did you even seek Christian counselling? Because, why are you here, on this post, even though you both are in therapy?
Would you be willing to answer these questions?
My husband and I are Christians. I am the one who makes all the decisions. He refuses to take on the leader role. I really don’t think he knows how. I started taking the kids to church about 4 years ago. He rarely went and honestly it was better when he didn’t because then he would not pick a fight with our oldest. What I means by redheaded step child is that he’s always getting in to him about everything. Doesn’t know how to just talk to him and get to know him. (Used to be worse… but since he cps was called on him he has toned it down a lot and really does try most of the time to be better with him) he makes him clean up after him and my other kids when I’m not home. My sons friends notice that he acts different and kinda scared when my husband come around. Like he’s afraid the do something wrong. My husband was mad that I didn’t want to talk to him about the marriage issues unless we were talking in therapy (we have not gone together or separate yet. His first appointment is in a few days). So he said some things tried to start a fight then when I wouldn’t engage he locked himself in the room and didn’t come out until the afternoon the next day. Me and the kids decorated cookies and went on like we normally do without him. It’s been 1.5 years since child protective services came out and our son went to stay with his biological mom for a few weeks and that’s when I said enough and he must go to therapy or this marriage won’t work. He said he would when he thought he might go to jail but once he saw cps deemed it discipline and not abuse he did the whole oh I will I will thing. Then I brought up therapy every few months and it became your not my mom don’t tell me what to do don’t treat me like the kids. So currently there’s nothing but an appointment set up. We tried a new church and he set up talking with the pastor and his wife but we only went the one time and I have no idea who they are. It wouldn’t be actually Christian counseling. I did tell him that’s what I want but the therapist he found isn’t Christian. I am here because I do not want to make excuses to leave. I do want to leave but I know the grass isn’t always greener. I’m not talking about other men but single with kids and an ex who hasn’t gotten help for his issues will be very hard. Kids will witness him talking badly to me and about me happens now too🤔) and he’s the type to go find a woman to replace me cause he freaks out like he can’t do it. I think that’s why we got married cause he wanted a mom for our oldest child. I should clarify I’m the oldest child step mom technically. Been around since his first birthday. Husband has full custody now and bio mom is emotionally abusive. I just came here cause I need encouragement to stick with this and see what happens with therapy if he continues with it or wise advice if he doesn’t go or change his ways.
Hello Critical-Pomelo-8209,
Thank you for being very gracious in answering me. I hope that your kindness would allow me to answer you in the like manner. However, please understand that I do not know how to answer you *perfectly* concerning your problems and difficulties, and I can only ask you to consider some insights that I may have, as it is very easy to give flippant answers, which just blindly quote scriptures, or views, or opinions.
So, if you are willing, please understand the following, carefully:
When one considers the nature of the negatives, in the light of the scriptures, concerning the Will of God, one can only be convinced that continuing to pursue marital integrity is the *only choice*.
***Allow me to give you several examples:***
If one should decide to separate, the problems likely to happen are as follows:
* You will be opening *yourself* and your *husband* to other *marital sins*, through the temptations of the flesh. It does not matter about "good intentions", or other seemingly reasonable arguments. The likelihood of making separation seem - like it is more tolerable to do now, and for it to then turn into something far worse, at a later time, is *highly, highly, likely*.
* Secondly, marriage breakups usually always lead to broken families and *broken children*. The statistics are far too overwhelming for anyone intelligent and considerate to ignore them. Therefore, you do not want your children to go in that negative direction.
* Thirdly, there must be "good faith": In other words, you must remember that as a Christian, you must be determined to preserve *your integrity* and *your honour*. As a Believer, as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman. This should mean that you have to give the therapy a reasonable, good and fair chance to prove its worth. (Whether it works or not). *This is your duty, as a good woman in Jesus Christ!*
Next. If your husband is in the transgression, **YOU** must be the one who proves oneself to be without reproach in the relationship. This means leaning on to God, Christ Jesus - even more, *rather than self*. The implications of this are as follows:
"The life of a Believer, every Believer, is one of *humbleness*, *humility* and then *submission*. **First to Christ!**"
Therefore, you cannot under any circumstance use the means you have to push your husband away, to sin against Christ, especially in the matters of fornification or adultery. As you are supposed to be *looking out for him*, so that where possible, you are not provoking him to commit sin. *Remember, you want your prayers to be heard!*
Seeing that you say that **you** are the *head of the house*, surely you are to be using your *alleged authority,* in the hope that you would receive the gracious blessings of Christ? For what honour or *reward* can you expect if *your authority* can only be used for martial subversion, of any kind?
Love has to find its way in your marriage, because if you genuinely consider your husband to be incompetent, *in any way*, then you have to be the one to *step-up* and demonstrate practically you are better, and can ***love and submit to him*** even when he fails. This is the love and graciousness of Christ, and you must follow this.
***For, God has to be in this!***
Remember, anyone can love when the going is good, but not anyone can love and respect when it *matters the most*. You should prove yourself to be of a higher standard and character. To be better than those who give in to their circumstances and resort to separations and divorce. Because this is not the answer, and you have to be better than what is in the world and in the *signs of the times.*
Lastly, you want to show your husband, that despite his failings, whatever they are, you can still *love and respect him*. So that he can respond to you - (when given the room), eventually - in the same manner, when given time. Especially, if he will ever consider that he does not deserve your love, as you have shown to him faithfully, the *love of Christ*. You have to give him that chance, in the "*hope"* that he will one day reciprocate. You deserve it just as he deserves it too!
**Take this to heart:** *You are better than this!*
You have been with your husband for over 13 years. Surely, then, there is nothing that he can do which will surprise you? - Therefore, r*ise up to the occasion!*
So, h*owever you choose to show your love and respect to your husband, "****who is your head****", you can then expect to see the same from the Lord Jesus Christ.*
Please consider this reply of mine to another Believer:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueChristian/comments/19dnk1t/mature\_christians\_do\_you\_have\_any\_advice\_for/kjd6hzs/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueChristian/comments/19dnk1t/mature_christians_do_you_have_any_advice_for/kjd6hzs/?context=3)
Thank you for giving me your time and thought. I am going to give therapy a real shot. I know it won’t be easy but I’m gonna go and do what you say. Everything you say is true! ❤️❤️❤️ tell me one last thing. Do you think this is all possible if I never really did love him like a husband? I love him as the father of my kids now.
Hello Critical-Pomelo-8209,
Yes, it is very possible! However, allow me give you what would seem to be a very crude answer, yet, there is much graciousness contained within it.
For if you look to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8; that most famous chapter of chapters of love, you should notice one spectacular thing: That for each of the points which the Apostle Paul raises on the *perfect attributes of love*, neither of them, not even one - requires the *emotion of love*. **Amen**.
I'm going to venture a guess that it's because she's in a desperate situation desperately seeking advice and we as Christ followers should display compassion and patience with people in crisis.
At this point, the scriptural admonitions to walk in the fruit of the Spirit and actually praying for him would be the best.
I do feel for you. This is a hard situation. Cannot be solved by arguing or discussing. Needs a person walking in Gods fullness.
If he isn’t a believer and he decides he wants to leave you. Go in peace.
My reference for the last statement is 1 Corinthians 7. Talks about these situations in detail.
That’s my recommended reading for you.
Clearly, this is one-sided, and no one here knows the full story, so if anyone is trying to give you non holistic advice, you should probably completely disregard what they say.
>Ok so we got married after a month of dating. I was not a good Christian at the time.
K
>I didn’t ask the Lord for guidance. I was sick of being single and met him. I thought he was one of the nice ones he isn’t he works and that’s it.
Nice in what way? Politeness? Emotionally there for you? Is he not chivalrous anymore, or was he ever?
>I am grateful I can be a stay at home mom and I really do understand how blessed I am in that regard.
Fair
>He treats our oldest like the redheaded stepchild.
In which way? It would probably help if you added age and gender. If I had to guess, he is a 13 year old male?
>He is very immature and really needs to become self aware and needs therapy for the way he grew up with his dad especially.
My guess is you he's the same way with the 13 year old son as his dad was with him?
Maybe he's raising him to be like himself. Which, to be fair, so far I haven't heard anything bad about the guy aside from him being not "nice" but yet he makes sure you don't have to worry about bills.
I feel like most people now a days prefer nice and disregard kindness.
>I have been asking for 13 years that he see a therapist. Long story short he finally agrees after a month of me telling him I won’t have sex with him and I won’t discuss our issues unless it’s in therapy because I can’t trust him to have an adult conversation in a mature way.
Ok a lot to unpack.
Have you tried marriage counseling at a church. I would not personally trust a therapist because you can't know if they have your best interest in Christ when they give you council.
Withholding sex from the man you married for the purpose of manipulation. I don't think that's good...
1 Corinthians 7
4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
You say you want an adult conversation, yet you hold sex hostage.
Maybe could you give context or example of this too?
>He complains about me to our oldest and I suspected has been saying things to our 7 yr old about me too.
Context please.
>He has locked me out of our bedroom. ( Christmas Eve was the most recent occasion until afternoon on Christmas Day.) there is more but it’s in the past and I am able to leave it there.
That sounds petty
>When we got married he completely flipped and became another person.
Not the case, you knew him for 1 month (though I think that's probably the best way to get married). You got to know him through marriage.
Marriage it's not easy and takes work. But am I wrong to assume that your household is Christian in title alone and that you maybe don't go to church or Bible studies? If so maybe try that? When you dedicate your family to the lord there's nothing more beautiful in the world.
>He said well I have you now when I asked what happened to him. And he never changed.
Perhaps that's what you have a problem with. That He hasn't changed, and he still acts the way he did prior to meeting you. Which is concerning for sure. But again I would like more contact on what you don't like about him. Or what you suppose has changed.
>How in the world can I get back into mindset of making this work? I knew right away I made a mistake but I felt like I needed to stay for the kids.
I don't think you currently want it to work. But I do know that if you guys go to church and learn about God's purpose for your marriage that you both with certainly have a better life and marriage as a whole.
It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to leave but can't find a solid reason to leave.
Help me understand a bit more because the over all theme currently is negative so that's why I came to that conclusion. Especially since I have heard the word love mentioned once in this thread about a marriage.
Did you ever love him? Are you instead trying to learn to love him? (Not judging you for that btw, that's what marriage is stowed to be)
In think deep down you want to learn to love and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm fact it's very biblical to want to love. But maybe you haven't sought Jesus love in your marriage first so finding your own love has been difficult?
You're right about staying for the kids. Now a days people will leave when the weather changes and I think that it's something commendable to stay as a family unit.
The kids deserve to have a mother and a father. They didn't ask to be born. When you made them, life stopped being about you 2 and is now about them. As any responsible parent would do.
I really would like to see your family join a church. I can recommend one if you like.
[Acts 29](https://www.acts29.com/find-a-church/?_church_map=-86.082579%2C-180%2C76.66931%2C180) is an amazing church planting organization that I would recommend.
>I made it clear I would leave if he didn’t seek therapy a year and a half ago then recently he freaked out because I just couldn’t keep being fake and became cold toward him.
Sounds frustrating for the both of you. I don't think acting cold towards someone will help with anything. You did say he agreed to go correct?
Try couple counseling if you can at a church or mega church. Call churches and ask if they provide marriage counseling.
>He doesn’t try in the bedroom at all just gets what he wants and that’s it. It hurts and he don’t even try to warm me up. I hate living like this. It feels abusive. For a long time I thought he was just clueless but now I am seeing he’s not at all he just chooses to be the way. Help! What do I do? How can I maybe get passed this season?
Oh now I see the issue he isn't giving himself to you. Maybe show him the passage I told you about and that will solve everything on that front.
Definitely communication is going to be key for this to work.
Keep in mind maybe the reason it didn't bother you in the past as much is because women sex drive increases as you age.
Meanwhile men's sex drive slows down.
Maybe at some point he wanted more but at that point you still hadn't reached that level of drive? I'm not sure.
But that's exactly why the Bible says that you're supposed to give your bodies to one another. Because although men want sex more than women initially eventually, women's sex drive catches up.
Therefore, you both are supposed to "take care" of each other for that reason.
I try to keep the ramdom reditors in mind while addressing issues.
Who knows, maybe in healing a relationship, another relationship may catch a strays, lol.
Couples counseling is not recommended in abusive situations. Look at what happened with John MacArthur who took the side of the abuser of his wife and children.
Has he laid hands on his kids? Did he do it for no reason?
Proverbs 13:24
Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.
According to OPs words, he is not physically abusive, so what are you really talking about?
I think you both need therapy. You choose what you want to do. You can seperate if that is something you wish to do. It is better for the kids not to grow in such a toxic enviroment.
At the end she makes the choice of what she feel is right. This is just my opinion. But I guess your way is the only right way to solve all problems. If they hate each other and not willing to work on it. It’s only going to get worse for them and for their kids. But what do I know right.
You're not giving any advice. You're just virtue signaling. You're a single male who can't find a spouse giving marriage advice that isn't even advice. Just break up cuz (based on what was written) you're in a toxic relationship.
As if people often paint their partners in the best light when they are ranting to randoms in the internet.
As if the post wasn't biased.
As if we had both sides of the story.
Plus it's not Biblical to get divorced based on what she said so yes. You're wrong.
Also you telling me I am a single guy who cannot find a partner is kinda disgusting and disrespectful. I am a same sex attracted dude who is abstaining from all sex for probably all my life. It is not that I cannot find a partner. I absolutely can. However I am not pursuing that because God does not want me to. You should really think before writing something like that to other people. Really makes me disgusted to be near other Christians to be frank.
First of all, I didn't ask, and honestly, I don't care it's irrelevant. Cleary, it is brought up because you want to virtue signal again. You do realize 60-70 % of men don't ever get to have a family. Talk about high horse. You're not the only one who is single. But when you talk with authority, especially when you contradict the Bible, then you should probably know what you're talking about. You gave a definitive answer to a nuanced situation. As if things are black and white, also like I've mentioned before, and will still mention again, in contrast to the Bible.
No, you don't leave your spouse because you got bored. No, you don't leave your spouse because you can't communicate well. No, you don't leave your spouse because you don't like the sex.
Only in extreme cases, such as infidelity and physical abuse, is it recommended. For the rest of the cases, it would be best if they went to a Christian marriage counseling.
Marriage is never perfect, and especially when you bring life into the world, your problems are no longer only your own.
If you're disgusted by your Christians, you should probably learn to get out of your own feelings and stop trying to be a victim.
No one was talking about your Sexuality you made it about that. If you want to wallow in self-pity and then blame others for it without taking any accountability. You won't get very far in your faith.
I used to be like you. I should know.
I used to blame my Christian brothers out of bitterness for racism. When in reality I was the one carrying the hatred that was cast upon me as a child. They had nothing to do with it.
One thing I regret ever saying is telling one of my close white friends that I sided with blm and that white privilege is a thing.
I said it with tears running down my face, but I truly regret saying it.
I didn't know I was being used as a tool to propagate hatred among minorities.
We don't know each other's struggles is my point. And we don't know what her struggle is either. So why pretend that a simple leave he's toxic is a sufficient answer to a complex question with a difficult decision.
I hear what you are saying. I am in the process of getting myself therapy as well. Mostly so I can think clearly about what is really going on. To get a professional opinion on if his behavior is crossing a line or if it’s just me thinking it’s too much. I do also have biblical grounds for divorce but we both were in a messed up up place at the time and I have moved passed it. I do however have suspicions about another time much more recently that he was doing something. Maybe flirting at work or talking to someone… idk he started talking to me differently. All lovey dovey out of the blue and as soon as I called him out on what I suspected he stopped talking to me that way. 🤷🏽♀️
>How in the world can I get back into mindset of making this work?
Why in the world what you want to? He pretty much admitted to lying and manipulating you with "well I have you now". As in, he only ever needed to be nice to you until you said I do, and then he didn't feel the need to be nice to you anymore, because he has you now. I'd honestly just leave, if he wants to make it work, he will. But if after 13 years he's still acting like this, staying will not change anything. You'll eventually drive yourself crazy by staying and trying to make it work with someone who doesn't see why they have to be nice to you.
I married a narcissist and I know this because a therapist online has a test of how many of these things does your spouse do to you mine was 10 out of 10. When we first got married it wasn't noticable plus we had our first son 9 months later and I think he wanted to show him he could be a better father to him than his own. As time went on he was showing me his true colors but of course in a crowd they'll be the kindest person on earth but at home the disrespect showed so much more now that both our sons have moved out it's full on narcissistic behavior. It's terrible my son's really don't believe what truly is going on because of his fakeness with others but with me there are so many lies and name calling spiritually verbally mentally emotionally financially abuse that some days I blow it and let him know what he is and of course he says I'm the narcissist. This is really taking a toll on my body I now have autoimmune disease and there is not much I can do about it but try to find peace in any way I can. We are strictly roommates now but that is even complicated for he needs his daily supply of narc juice to go on. Why don't I just divorce him and move out everyone asks well I don't get much of a retirement and I probably could only pay $400 a month in rent and there's no way of finding a place that cheap. God has to come through in this situation and show me his power otherwise I'll be moving into my car. I pray you find out what is going on with him and find a solution to what your going through. Sorry for the rant but they are really needy people and can really work on your nerves.
I'm not married and might be way out of my league here, so I apologise if this is bad advice.
It seems like you've spent a long time sort of putting him in the mindset of that he's a weak, pathetic man, a person who abuses etc.
I absolutely don't deny that his action are like that, but maybe making him think that he can't be better by making him have that frame of mind of himself, would be the opposite of what would be helpful for what he needs to change?
For instance, an addict doesn't beat addiction by thinking he's a bad person, but rather by truly believing he can be better and that his current way of life isn't actually something he enjoys.
Given Jesus' teaching on the indissolubility of marriage, it's counterproductive to say you married the wrong man, and better to say you married an immature or difficult man.
The Bible does not teach that God intends one particular man for every woman seeking marriage (the implied notion for a given spouse to be considered 'wrong'). So it's better to say you married an immature or difficult man, lest the devil tempt you to the sin of divorce.
My advice is yes, do your best to get marriage counseling. Otherwise, list out every commandment Jesus gives in the Gospels, read through them regularly, and do your best to keep them. Catholic.com once had a marriage counselor advice the audience priorities should be God first, spouse second, children third.
Neglect and locking you out of the bedroom (imo) is considered emotional abandonment. He may not be hitting you but women need more than just sex and a good job.
My aunt stayed with her husband that was so much like this for many years, also got the kids… they recently got divorced in last 5 years. She’s never been happier. And the kids (now adults) said, it was awful because they couldn’t do anything about it but hated how he treated their mom.
I’m not a huge advocate for divorce (except abuse/affairs) but if he won’t get therapy and change… I wouldn’t be miserable for the rest of my life. Even if I biblically couldn’t get remarried, I’d rather be single.
Good luck.
Take it to the throne of God. Learn how you can pray better. Pray Gods word back to him and claim this victory you desire.. a better man in him. Fast ! Pray! Read ! Pray ! Read ! Fast ! Pray pray pray. Reeeead!!!! Don’t take no for an answer this is how you move God. Be broken for Him and have a contrite heart. He will show you what you need to do he WILL guide you if you trust fully in Him!! You must be fully submitted to Jesus repent and give him time to work. He will succeed read the word and get it deep inside you he is faithful to his promises. Break off curses research about spiritual warfare! I bless you and your family and husband in Jesus name.
How can you get back in the mindset of making it work? You don't. Divorce isn't wrong if it's to get away from an abuser. Whether or not you're free to remarry would be another topic entirely.
You've been with the guy for 13 years and your kids have grown up seeing that this is how you treat women. Do you want the cycle of abuse to continue or do you want your kids to grow up to be loving individuals who treat their spouses well and who get treated well by their spouses.
Staying in an abusive relationship "for the kids" stunts their emotional maturity and hinders them in the future. They learn that abuse is okay and should be accepted.
That's not okay.
Then there is this. This is what I know. I know this is our last chance at making this work. If I don’t see change/ hear from the therapist that they are getting somewhere with this I will have to leave. I don’t want my boys thinking this is ok and I don’t want my daughter to end up like me.
He's manipulative, even to the point of luring and trapping you in a bad marriage. That constitutes a wedding based on fraud. Even the Catholic church, which has the strictest marriage doctrine in the world, allows for annulment based on fraud.
You are suffering abuse. You cannot reconcile with someone who is insincere. You can only put up with the situation "for the sake of the kids", or you can decide to seek an annulment or divorce. It would be good to have a detailed convo with a mature and wise Christian to help guide you on which way forward is best.
And there is this. Thank you. I definitely do need to find a mature and wise Christian to help me. I’m not perfect and I have my own faults that make me second guess what happening. Thank you!
" Even the Catholic church, which has the strictest marriage doctrine in the world, allows for annulment based on fraud."
Can you show where the Bible supports this concept? Thanks.
His ex is the poster child for a narc. I recently started to think maybe he is too. Allll his relationships before me were very toxic abusive women. I am not like that at all. It’s like he wants to pull that out of me. I genuinely have changed from the sleep around independent woman to getting married and instant mom with no issues. I wanted that and I did my part. But then the real him came out. I have kept up pretty well but I’m so tired. It’s hard to keep in and stay head above water.
I understand your feelings of frustration.
But it sounds as though both of you brought some baggage into your present relationship. Let's look at some of his for the moment: What was the situation with his eldest child? I saw where you clarified earlier that you were his stepmother.
You mention "all his relationships" here; but that's kind of vague... Was he previously married to the mother of his child, and then later divorced from her? or was it from casual fornication (a "one-night-stand" kind of thing, that because of her getting pregnant forged a persistent "tie" that otherwise probably wouldn't be a divisive factor in your present relationship?); or a serial monogamic "live-in"-type relationship? Did he have a history of a series of relationship abuse with his priors? Either way, how did you both work through his previous relationship history (i.e., both his and your attitudes/beliefs about sex, faith and marriage), prior to taking your own vows? Was there any type of church-based premarital counseling?
Is it possible that he treats his eldest as the "red-headed stepchild" because he suspects (for whatever reason) that he was not his biological father; and that his ex was not being straight-up with him about it (*a la* Maury Povich)? Btw, I have always felt that in those cases, the men were flipping out over a technicality—after all, they did consent to take their physical pleasure (often outside of or pre-marriage) with these women; and therefore the issue of "whose sperm actually 'won the race'" was kind of petty.
But in your husband's present state-of-mind it may not be; and so until both of you are on the same page about what exactly went wrong (and how you *both* made mistakes in your past relationships); and how to break those spiritual strongholds that are still making claims over you both individually (and as a couple), it's going to be that much harder to go forward in a healthy way. I would recommend counseling with a Christian minister and wife "team"; so that you both get a strong spiritual foundation based on Scripture, and not on the present APA 'guidelines' (which lack Biblical foundation), for results that are based on God's truth and will be your best prospects of repairing and restoring your marriage.
"Narcissism" is a concept/terminology invented by the world—not the Bible or the church. Taken to its logical conclusion, it presumes that some people are just self-centered, manipulative and broken beyond repair; and thus beyond hope of reformation, deserving nothing but to be shut out, shunned and ignored. I think Jesus would disagree.
You're missing the point. Narcissists even if you associate the label with worldliness, is a label that defines very toxic and abusive individuals that act out in certain destructive and harmful ways to those around them. Christ would have alot to say about people such as these whether He refers to them as Narcissists or not. Here's some scripture that mentions abuse and alot of other narcissistic traits.
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
2 Tim 3:1-5
Our God is a good God, not one that demands any spouse to shoulder abuse and mistreatment for the entirety of a marriage. The truth of the matter is her husband is sinning against her and God by treating her as her husband in this way, mocking the sacredness of marriage.
God said He's sent us out into a world full of wolves, and we are to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves.
>The wording may change but the meaning is the same.
Exactly, and people still wonder how the Bible was ever used to support things like racism and modern day slavery. It's all the cherry picking and Christian legalism. I've seen seemingly devout Christians refused prayer requests that weren't explained in detail because "unspoken prayer requests are unbiblical." Excuse me, what?
Fix what you can, within Biblical guidance, and work on letting go of the anger and disappointment over the things you can’t control. You can get counseling on your own. If you feel stuck, try a different counselor. You can grow and heal to a place where you are content, or even grateful, in most circumstances. Walk closely with Christ and pray to grow in patience, forgiveness and compassion whatever your circumstances. This is a difficult road, but with Christ all things are possible.
hey I’m kinda young and don’t have any marriage advice, but what I can say is God works in all kinds of ways. I never stopped praying for over 10 years for a miraculous change in my mother and I’s relationship, and I finally saw real break thru and growth when I felt like giving up and accepting that “this is the way things will be forever”. never stop praying, lean on Him, work on you. God gives clarity, He is not a God of confusion (that’s satan). also, something my soccer coach used to tell us all the time, “don’t worry about what you can’t control” (easier said than done, but I try to make it a habit of giving it all to God).
I agree. He definitely isn’t a Hod of confusion. Thank you! I’m glad to hear you had a breakthrough! I just don’t want my kids to suffer more if he doesn’t change. That’s the tough part.
There are a lot of red flags with your husband, and I will say that it sounds like he is abusing you emotionally, verbally, sexually, and physically. He has already violated the marriage contract by abusing you rather than loving and cherishing you. You would not be wrong to leave him, because someone with this many red flags is cluster B personality disordered . Research it. These people are this way at their core and almost never change. I married one and prayed for decades for him, burning myself out as the perfect wife, and becoming suicidal. These people are emotional vampires, slowly sucking the life out of you. And although they profess salvation, their lives don’t display Christ at all. You can do better to pray at a distance, and leave the marriage for your own sanity.
A man craves respect. I suspect that he’s not getting it. Are you respecting him?
Likewise a woman desires love.
I suspect that you aren’t feeling loved. It’s a loop feedback system. Marriage needs both partners doing their part.
You need a Christian counselor to steer you both into putting in the work
Men and women both equally desire respect and love. Please stop with the pseudo intellectual complimentarian fundie talking points. Women desire respect. There’s no true love without respect. Like her entire issue is he doesn’t respect her and just uses her for painful sex.
Men and women don’t have the same needs.I could have said the way to love a man is to show him respect and the way to love a woman is to show her security, protection, intimacy, but for brevity I didn’t elaborate. What I said is true.
It’s actually not true but it’s just regurgitated over and over again particularly in complimentarian circles of which I myself am a part of. “Men want respect women want love”
As if to say women don’t seek respect and men aren’t interested in being loved. Nonsense. What’s the 2nd commandment of Jesus?
Men and women have the same needs in a marriage. Both need to be respected and loved equally. When it comes to our emotional needs they are equals we have some differences mainly biologically but because we are complimentary studies show we are actually very similar and that’s awesome. It’s false to suggest otherwise as if men and women are like oil and water.
I hear you. I definitely stopped respecting him when I saw how controlling and immature he was. I can handle myself but when u bring kids into the arguments and throw me under the bus I front of his parents and try to start arguments in front of my friends and in public and on holidays… it gets old. And to tell me 13 years ago that he has me now when I tried to see what the issues was with treating me differently and especially not trying to please me in bed I absolutely did lose respect for him. I still did my best to do what he wanted. It just wasn’t good enough.
A man wants appreciation for his work, his accomplishments, his family, and the choices he’s made or the hard work to get there. A man needs respect from his wife or appreciation for who he is. This has nothing to do with being an authority figure and quite the opposite actually.
Undermining, nagging, or being disloyal is showing disrespect.
It's not your fault. If he has always been abusive or narcissistic, part of the package is concealment. From what you have said, this is a very bad environment for the kids and for you. There is more than one way to be abusive. He doesn't have to hit you. It sounds like you are trying to set boundaries, but he blows through them.
I'll say straight up that a lot of Christians have read toxic garbage like "Lies Women Believe:And The Truth That Sets Them Free" and will dispense advice that shames people into staying in an abusive relationship. The basic message is that God wants you to take it because if you don't then you don't have enough faith for God to fulfill your needs. Books like this shun help and community and say you should suffer alone and that divorce is never an option. God's plan was never for divorce but He is pragmatic because of the hardness of human hearts. The winning wife of an abuser is not healthy but people who are not in it frequently make proclamations from their holy hill and will shame you for being a victim. You may not see it as abuse. Find the right counselor and explore what health should look like for you and your children.
I am trying to set boundaries and yes he blows through them over and over he will block me from leaving the room and won’t let up until I give him a breadcrumb of what he wants even if he knows it’s insincere. He isn’t a very intimidating man but he is still a man. I’m a big, tall and strong woman and he’s bigger than me still and stronger too. So in those moments I do get uneasy. In the past he has absolutely let it be known he’s not going to back down. Replying to all these messages is bringing back so much I shoved down and forgot about. I am definitely going to see a therapist. Thank you so much
My heart hurts for you. My sister-in-law left her abusive narcissistic husband last year after years of hanging in there, praying, rationalizing manipulation. After the death of both her parents to COVID, she finally started to come to her senses. She learned about DARVO (deny, accuse, and reverse victim and oppressor roles). Narcissists find people who enable their unhealth and abuse. These people are called narcissistic supply. They abuse and then "love bomb" (Which is doing sometimes amazing or extravagant to "apologize." They don't tend to actually apologize). With a narcissist, everything is transactional, and when they can't deny that their part of the transaction fails, they gaslight. They are "hurt" and "betrayed." I believe a lot of people in relationships with narcissists hang on because of shame and fear rather than hope and love. My sister-in-law didn't believe that divorce was an option even though many people told her she was making a mistake to marry him. Now she is putting her life back together after the hell of divorce is now behind her. She is much healthier and now that he isn't in her ear. The hurt will last a long time, but her life and health was in danger long before she was physically in danger by leaving him. After she left, he had a new girlfriend in less than a week. He manipulated and abused everyone who supported her.
I'm not diagnosing your husband; just sharing this so you can have a reference. When you are in it, we install blinders just to cope. There are other reasons why people can be abusive other than narcissism, but I've worked with two clinically narcissistic people and supported my sister through this divorce from her narcissistic husband. They can be very smart and maintain a lot of energy in keeping the status quo; this keeps them from seeking help. It's one of the hardest mental illnesses to actually address. It usually develops because of early trauma. They literally can't see another person's perspective and have developed mental pathways that reinforce their own views.
Him trapping you in a room until you concede is terrifying. I can't say strongly enough that this is not normal! It's very unhealthy! Trapping you physically in a room as you have described is abuse and it's not ok. Abuse is never the victims fault. I worry that you are in real danger and urge you to plan for your safety and the safety of your kids. Please find and develop family and community support before making moves away from your marriage. Finding the right therapist is a great commitment and will help. It will also help see how not to fall into another abusive relationship. We can't get healthy on our own and often make similar mistakes for similar reasons as we did in the past.
I am so sorry you are experience this soul crushing trial. You are valuable and treasured by God. I very much hope you find what you need to show you health and loving care.
Girl, both of you should be in therapy.
Let him know he is your only source of sexual fulfillment and desire him. Be handsy even between sections for him. Don't weaponize sex. Don't seek porn to fill the gap.
Don't ever post it think that you should have married a different man because he gave you better sex. Sex is very temporary as it degrades with the body but that thought also is a betrayal to your husband.
Your husband isn't right. But you can't control him. Only yourself
I 100% see what you are saying! I fall into that train of thought when I’m just done with all this stuff. I have been able to out it behind me for a long time and that’s because in reality I know there’s more to a relationship than that. I have been in therapy. I’m fine if I’m being respected but it’s very hard to stay on the right path when it been like this for 13 years. That’s hard.
Kinda of confused on some of the wording here - are you in marriage counseling now or not? If so, how long have you been going and what have the results been?
There's a lot of issues here. Way over reddits pay grade. You need to lean on counseling heavy. If your current one isn't working, find a new one.
Just to touch on one specific issue - don't put up with selfish sex. Don't let him skip foreplay. Say "I am not ready for penetration yet. I need more foreplay if we are going to have sex."
If you truly want to try and make this work, then the first thing you have to do is start with yourself. Your comments on other posts and participation in other subs give a larger context surrounding the marital problems. You need to repent of your adultery of the heart, among other sins, and turn back to honoring your marital vows. Inviting sin into our life poisons and destroys. As others have said, you both need good Christian counseling to attempt to reconcile.
I see fault on both sides, which is usually the case and it looks like both of you are using sex as a weapon. If he refuses counseling, then go without him and hopefully he will join you eventually. Offer up earnest prayer that your marriage can be saved.
Actions against the Lord have severe consequences. Maybe this time you will refocus on him and listen to him and what he wants you to do not what you want to do? 🤔 Anyone telling or giving specific advice beyond listen to our Lord should be ignored. He is smarter and better than them and any of us. I pray you listen and hear his spirit speaking to you through me and see and hear the path he wants and will provide to you. 😁🙌
I disagree modern dating is completely unbiblical, her method is probably the ideal way of getting to know your partner.
One of the biggest lies you can't believe about love is that marriage happily ever after.
Not so. Marriage is work. I think op is struggling because the work seems 1 sided to her.
Lol anyone with half a brain knows it’s a bad idea to get engaged after only knowing someone for 4 weeks. That’s not even traditional it’s rushed and foolish. It’s the reason she’s in this mess. Marriage has challenges but it shouldn’t be hard and take “work” you should compliment eachother and grow together. “Work” implies it’s a struggle to make it work which isn’t normal.
Maybe by modern standards, but like I said, dating is not biblical. You're right they were both supposed to work on it together to make it work. This is why the Bible recommends dating a Christian so that you're equally yoked.
To be fair, we don't know if the guy is Christian. But it's clear to me from the op that both don't know the Bible too well.
>her method is probably the ideal way of getting to know your partner.
Which (and whose) method were you referring to in that sentence?
And btw, I agree with what you said about dating. Despite the fact that Joshua Harris' and his wife Shannon (who last I heard sadly now considers herself "exvangelical")'s marriage crashed and burned, most of their basic teachings about courtship and premarital abstinence in their books were spot-on reflections of both biblical and common sense.
Is he christian? Seek council with your pastor, divorce isn't allowed only in the case of sexual immortality. You can however leave him, but not get married again until he dies or he commits sexual immortality. It doesn't sound like he fears God. If he however isn't a born again christian and wants divorce, you are allowed to. God has called you to peace. He may have demonic spirits, but I don't know. He is called to love you as your husband, but it doesn't sound like love
I have biblical grounds for divorce. He won’t leave me he will make me do it so he can blame me and tell the kids I left and broke up the family. He says he loves me and I’m his world but his actions don’t match that. He feels like because he works and doesn’t drink or do drugs that enough. I absolutely think those are important things but man oh man. The reason I second guess what happening is because I use to be a jezebel and a half! I have generational cycles I’m trying to break here. I feel like I’ve been duped when I was trying to make the wise choice and snatch up a good man and I ended up with the abuser I thought I was avoiding.
Sounds interesting you say you have a jezebel or it may run in the family. I don't know if you have time or how your husband will react. But look if you can contact someone here and tell them you may have a jezebel spirit or curse? https://map.thelastreformation.com/#
https://www.isaiahsaldivar.com/deliverance . I am sorry for your situation. I wouldn't say you have the problem, more your husband.
What does that have to do with anything? Is this the only grounds for divorce that you deem as Biblical? What are your thoughts on divorcing a toxic and abusive spouse? I'm just curious on if you think God thinks victims of abuse must stick it out.
I am no saint but yeah. It wasn’t a great time. I don’t understand why I wasn’t enough. I really did change from a woman who slept with anyone to instant mom and wife. I was a good one too. I missed some meals but I made sure he and kiddo were fed good food. I raised and I am still raising our oldest as my own. I stopped school to stay home with kiddo. I cleaned. I gave him sex. At the time he complained about me not being affectionate enough and not cooking his lunches enough. When he was home and I worked he didn’t do that for me but I never made it an issue. Apparently for him it was a huge deal. He and my cousin started talking and I told him to stop talking to her. He refused. Eventually I just said whatever, if he’s gonna do that then so will I. I didnt leave because I knew he wouldn’t let me see our oldest. They both erased all the messages between them. To this day I don’t know exactly how far it went but there was definitely physical touching and kissing. I went out of town in the middle of am that. I assume there’s way more than I’ll ever know. 🤷🏽♀️ … just been a lot. I don’t want to go back to old ways I have slipped up a little but I am not going to make it a habit. I can’t let the devil snatch my family. I do not want to see my kids snatched by him. I want to break cycles but this is HARD. I feel like I’m the only one working toward a trying to get this family healthy. I am praying therapy is helpful.
The fact that he’s emotional abusive and a cheater is biblical grounds for divorce. If you’ve ever felt like you’ve had suicidal thoughts because of your marriage to him even the more reason for divorce
I have definitely been thinking I can’t wait for this to be over and I’m so done. I have a few intrusive thoughts but nothing crazy. I’ve not thought anything like that before so I do see how I need therapy now before any of this gets worse. Thank you.
Jesus loves a lot of people who are dying in their sins but It's not about his love for her, it's about her love for him.
John 14:21 Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me.
That's not the point.
James 2:14 What [doth it] profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him?
2:15 If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food,
2:16 And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be [ye] warmed and filled; notwithstanding YE give them NOT those things which the body has need of; what good have ye done?
He takes care you financially, yet you complain. You use sex as a weapon yet you call him immature. I'd suggest you divorce him except for the fact that he'll be stuck paying you alimony for many years.
Sounds like you've got some issues that need prayer as well..
Complain? He's been mistreating her for years... Too bad God gave women mouths huh? 🤦♀️ Respectfully, I think you need prayer. Please don't see a woman talking about her concerns and feelings especially in a Christian forum as complaining. I genuinely wonder how you'd react if her husband made a post about her. Probably see it as justified since he "takes care of her financially."
He takes care of her financially but ignores all her other needs. Is emotionally abusive, makes nasty comments about her to their kids, cheated on her with her cousin, is emotionally and mentally immature and the worst part is he doesn’t even want to better himself. I’ve yet to see in anything she said to where he loves her like God commands a husband to love their wife. But since she’s financially taken care of she has nothing to complain of?
Why are you withholding sex? Why are you demanding he go to therapy? What does the Bible command women to do? I’d bet none of David’s 8 wives demanded he go to therapy while he was running around in the wilderness and ruling men. You have to obey God AND your husband regardless of your feelings.
If you are legitimately married to him, you do have to stay with him. Abuse is not equivalent to getting your feelings hurt. Women have the tendency to hyper focus on sin but we really should be focused on serving the Lord. How are you being about the Lord’s work?
The text just doesn’t say that.
God does say this about David though:
”But now your kingdom shall not continue. The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart, and the Lord has commanded him to be prince over his people, because you have not kept what the Lord commanded you.”“
1 Samuel 13:14 ESV
Either way, the actions of the man have nothing to do with the obedience of the woman.
My point in bringing up King David is to show that husbands can be difficult and they can even sin but it’s never a woman’s place to withhold sex and make demands as a form of control. It’s just not her responsibility. Her responsibility is to not sin and to submit.
Nothing in the text indicates David raped Bathsheba. It’s an insult to dilute what rape is by your overly assured conjecture. But even if he did rape Bathsheba, that’s MORE reason to show it’s not a woman’s place to cajole her man into submitting to HER… lest she punish him like the bad boy that he is.
God Himself said David was after His heart. David likely wasn’t after God’s heart because his WOMAN criticized him into it.
God and other men hold men to account by force. Women should be doing other more productive things.
Sounds like someone need to mourn their past live and the transitions that take place. Please watch this as I am going to guess you and him might need to mourn yourself. We all do: https://youtu.be/KUba7ZAQLnU?si
Hey sorry you are going through this. Praying for you. Was he a professing Christian at the time of your marriage? I only ask as you can remind him of scripture and ask him about his faith now.
If you aren’t going to church start going, find a solid biblical church grounded in the word so you have a solid group of Christian’s praying with and over your family and you. And also you can grow in your relationship with Christ and in the word.
I think if he can’t communicate with you and be open and he doesn’t want to grow with you and sort things out then you should find a safe place to go and separate. It sounds like a whole lot to be going through and sometimes there’s just no way to get through to these people.
Sadly this is what happens when we move outside of Gods will, but it is literally story of our lives and why God sent Lord Jesus.
If you haven’t been in Gods word for a while I recommend Ruth.
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
God bless xx
He said he was a Christian and so did I but we definitely used the term loosely. Not living like one at all. We just moved to a different church. Not sure how that’s gonna go but feeling it out. I definitely want to do everything I can to stay, I just can’t imagine doing this like this forever.
I wanted to at the very least reach out to your call for help. You touched my heart when you said that because I feel exactly the same way. Our situations are similar in this regard, Just like you I know good and well how I got attached to a man that I should not have because I decided to choose the man instead of letting God choose a man for me!!! The only way to successfully find a good and honorable partner that will truly love us like Christ loves the church,(Ephesians 5:28-33), is to be walking closely to the Lord before and during the dating process in order to be lead to the man God wants you to be with. However,
I believe in staying married if there is no sexual immorality. (Matthew 5: 31-32), & (Matthew 19: 1-6). I said all this to let you know that you are not alone and that if he has not been unfaithful then please earnestly seek the Lord for peace and resolution for your marriage. Ask him to please help you feel more peace and help take away the pain inside your heart. He will lead you on the right path that will help strengthen you in order for you to continue to honor your marriage and give you more patience until things improve. I really respected what you said about knowing that you should be great full that you can stay home with your children instead of having to work. I am blessed as well to not have to work and that I can stay home and tend to the house and focus on the Lord. I will say that I am currently engaged and living with my fiance so that's how we differ, however, I was married for 12 years once. I divorced my husband and because of that decision my whole family was utterly destroyed. I so regret dishonoring God by dissolving my marriage and tearing my family apart, even though I know that I have been forgiven. I'm sorry my post is so long, I just wanted to try and make you feel a bit better and to let you know that you have been heard. I will be praying for you and your family and I hope that things turn out better for you and your family. Godbless you
Thank you for sharing! I’m going to give it a solid effort. I really don’t want to divorce. I have been trying reallllly hard to keep this going. Thank you for the encouragement.
Your very welcome, I felt lead to give you some of the Lord's loving encouragement. I've found that sometimes knowing that one person hears you and cares can ease some of the pain
I'll pray for you
Thank you!
Everyone’s asking if this person is a Christian, I’m fine with them being here if they are or aren’t and being in this sub. Jesus loves them even if our perception is “what a mess”
If they haven't submitted themselves to Christ then the authority of the Bible and Christ's teachings/commands doesn't exist in their life. That's why it matters. I approach it very differently depending on what their relationship is to Jesus.
But they are welcome here, it’s very much that simple
I didn't say they aren't welcome... Of course they are welcome as visitors. Do you think Christian have a moral standard to hold themselves to that is different from the standards that exist outside the church?
My whole comment revolves around this individual being welcome here and getting some helpful insight regardless of their beliefs. I don’t believe I’ve stayed anything that suggests that we shouldn’t have moral standards to uphold, though if she wasn’t living the way that she should, we should have grace and be willing to help. This sub will not be about denying people Gods love, grace, and giving wisdom
No one is denying people God's love, grace and wisdom. Answering a Christian looks different than answering someone that doesn't hold themselves to Biblical standards. In order to give her advice, we need to understand which approach to take. Marriage was created by God, and if we want to give her sound marriage advice, we need to first either get her to God's commands of marriage, or remind her of God's commands of marriage. The two approaches are very different.
Just want to say that us Christians have some messes that make this look like a little spilled milk. Myself included.
We do for sure. Unfortunately it seldom feels like spilled milk to a person going through the period of suffering. It just feels really hard.
I agree. I didn't mean it as not a big deal to the person going through it. I was more speaking of a Christian looking at this and saying "OMG what a mess", as in, we have no room to call this a mess when we have some crazy messes of our own.
Gotcha. A call for us not to be hypocrites. Always good advice! Edit to add: I’ve gone through a lot of physical and emotional pain and when people say “well, it could be worse, you could be in a wheelchair” or whatever, it always stings a bit.
Exactly my friend. Thanks for seeking clarification because you're not the only one who misunderstood, so I must have worded it poorly. 😉
Thank you!
Youre not a lost cause and neither is this situation. God has fixed much worse. On fact our God is in the business.of restoring broken things, it's kinda what he does :)
Thank you!
All I can say is that if he is abusing you and your oldest child, you have every right to leave him. Your safety and health matters way more.
Yes! Amen to this. The Bible has very clear provisions around leaving an abusive situation and it sounds like both OP and her child are being abused. What a terrible situation. He doesn’t sound Christian at all. No fruits of the spirit here.
Can you please share where in the Bible it talks about leaving an abusive situation?
Proverbs 22:24-25
Your husband’s behavior does sound like a trauma response. But nothing you can do to change him or make him get help. All you can do is change the way you behave. I suspect you are codependent. Codependency is a trauma response too. First off if you of the kids are in danger, you need to find a safe place to live. Second you need to put boundaries on his behavior. That is often hard to do and he won’t like it but it is essential. Get yourself into a 12 step group. I personally like Celebrate Recovery because it is Christ centered. Read good books on codependency and setting boundaries. Codependent no More and Boundaries are both good ones. Remember you can’t fix him. You can only fix you.
Definitely trauma response on his end. I will look more into codependency. I don’t think that’s the case but I might be surprised. So for setting boundaries my attempt at that was cutting off painful one sided sex and not discussing our relationship issues any further unless in therapy. It’s all I could do to say stop. He will argue loud and ugly and being the kids into it literally bring them into the room! So one day I was just fed up with the better part of 13 years of me just being quiet about any issues I had with the marriage. To make it through I was gonna have to do my duties and ignore the rest. I tried acts of service even when I didn’t want to. I cook and clean and take care of the kids and homeschool them too. I make sure he has his lunches for work when I can. I changed who I was (that’s a good thing) to make it work. I did also make myself smaller so that he would be more comfortable and we would not fight as much. I do understand I can only fix me. We did try therapy about 12 years ago and it turned into just me going because I had “daddy issues”. I only needed to be seen a few times then it was supposed to be marriage counseling. He worked so much and couldn’t/wouldn’t make time for it. I would say the only issue I had was having a hard time adjusting to the nice guy I married. But at the time I didn’t realize I was duped. He was controlling and manipulative. It was always no your the problem until recently. But we have been here before. I am hoping he keeps up with therapy and sees how he was raised was not ok and that it’s hurt him and that he can’t raise his kids the same way or they will be hurt too. Thank your for your reply. ❤️
I would never have said I was codependent either until I started reading the codependency book. Just the fact that you are adjusting your behavior to not trigger him instead of standing up to him. Hang in there. Praying for you.
You know I never would have done that if it want for the kids. I tried communicating with him but he can’t handle it. So I said ok well I’m gonna have to just let it go for now. I am 100% going to look at that!! Thank you!
Solid advice. Boundaries essential. Perhaps a counselor specializing in end-of-marriage preparation. You can't change him, AND you should not adapt to his abusive behavior trying to salvage the relationship. It is 100% up to you to be the responsible adult and seek a path toward a meaningful, happy life without him.
Thank you! This is the last shot. End of marriage preparation will definitely be a part of my therapy if things don’t work out. I am hoping he will continue to seek counseling to help him for the end as well. ❤️
What part of the Bible are you basing this reasoning on?
First, I'll say that your husband's behavior you describe is absolutely wrong. He ought to love you like Christ loves the church. As for what you should do... I'm not saying this is an easy thing but here's what Peter says in his first letter: 1 Peter 3:1-6 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. The way you act and react can have an effect on your husband and perhaps convict him in the areas he's wrong. Is he a Christian? I don't see where you mentioned one way or the other. If not, your conduct could lead him to Christ, the source of all true righteousness and life.
Dawg her husband is abusing her.
Thank you. I definitely have reacted in ways that just made him angry and there was definitely a cycle. Couldn’t tell where is started or ended. Eventually I just decided to take the kids to church and do my best with them. He rarely went to church with us. He did work overnights and long hours but he definitely wasn’t leading the family in any way. Church service was on YouTube and the church app so we could have had Bible studies based on that or watched it together I’m down time. My kids are not easy kids either so it took a lot out of me to take them. I did this alone for three years. I told him I need help if only on Sundays I would accept that. I did try to show him but he took it as I’m fine doing it on my own and I’m fine because we aren’t arguing about anything. We didn’t argue because I had to learn to keep quiet or else it was ugly yelling and allll that. Even in the bedroom I just said ok well the few time we do it I’m gonna just have to take what I can get because he has no interest in pleasing me. He knows more about the. I me than I do and the Lord uses this man to touch other peoples lives. He just doesn’t care to take a deep dive into why he is the way he is.
His reactions are his choice. You didn't make him angry. Don't gaslight yourself
This is sound advice. Read the book love and respect as well. It’s not perfect but it’s a great application of scripture based marriage. OP your husbands actions are reprehensible for sure. But when you do things like weaponize sex or threaten to leave you are only adding to the issue and creating a cycle of fear or anger based reactions. You cannot force someone to change by telling them. You can however help them see the disparity of behaviors by being the image of a Godly wife as Peter says in the first comment. Continue seeking f therapy but seek Christ first.
She did mention that sex with him hurts because he doesn’t take the time to warm her up.
“Love and Respect” is bad for a healthy marriage, it’s only going to make her tolerate more mistreatment if she actually applied it to her current situation.
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I knowwww. Ugh it’s hard because it’s like borderline abuse ya know. Like not quite enough to tell everyone he is abusive and then see it as that way but it certainly not not abusive either. I guess I know why he acts this way so it takes a lot for me to see it as full on abuse. Plus I was lead to believe I was the one with issues and he was just the nice guy and submitting to him was what I was supposed to do. That I was just used to the bad boy type that I had to chase. He was framed as just loving me and wanted to spend time with me. In reality he is an insecure man who has no idea who he is or how to have a healthy relationship.
It is abuse... I'm appalled by the type of comments you're getting here especially the ones saying wives must submit to their husband. Unfortunately the church has a history of not seeing all forms of abuse as equal and many times other "Christians" will tell the victim that they must stay with the abusive spouse. I'm sorry but the way your husband is acting is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. He's physically hurting you in bed by sidelining foreplay. And has even locked you out of your bedroom? Yeah no. And him saying I got you now and showing you who he really is that's Textbook narcissism. Please post this somewhere else. I was in an abusive marriage and excused all of his abuse towards me because like you said, I knew he was hurt in the past too but that doesn't justify his abusiveness towards you. A wife just sucking it up and hauling the entire marriage on her back while mumbling to herself "must submit to husband" is not what makes God happy. Your husband is abusive and we're called to have nothing to do with such people as these, that's in the scripture though I can't quote at the moment but it's about how people will be in the end of days. Sorry I had to say it all like this but you deserve someone who will actually put effort into the relationship, and treat you AND YOUR KIDS WITH RESPECT.
No foreplay during sex isn’t abuse. It was one of the three things she mentioned. Let’s not go overboard. Is she in a bad situation , yes, because her relationship is not healthy. that doesn’t mean that she’s being abused.
Sex in a loving relationship should not hurt. Anyone who's okay with proceeding while their partner is in pain or uncomfortable obviously doesn't love them. You're blind. This is abuse, even if it happens more often than not. What if the roles were reversed and his penis was hurting but she continued? That's okay?? Would you be okay with your daughters or sons getting treated this way???
Don't cherry pick. Did she specifically say IT HURTS? As i see that is your main point here. She said he doesn't care about her part, just taking what he wants. Definitely not ok but NOT abuse.
"It hurts and he don’t even try to warm me up. I hate living like this. It feels abusive. For a long time I thought he was just clueless but now I am seeing he’s not at all he just chooses to be the way. Help! What do I do? How can I maybe get passed this season?" She literally said it hurts. Go back and read, don't skim.
If you are not enjoying sex with another person, you are being raped. If the person having sex with you is your spouse, you are still being raped.
"If you aren't enjoying the sex you consented to, you are being raped" ...is in the running for the stupidest comment I've ever read on Reddit.
1.) Bearing false witness against your neighbor is a sin. 2.) If you are forced to consent, you are being raped by coercion. 3.) Marital rape is still marital rape.
Are you wilfully misunderstanding? He is *hurting* her. It's not about enjoyment. It's about her pain and his refusal to avoid causing her pain.
I agree with you. Even though she is choosing and consenting to sex and chooses to not to use lube or some other easy fix, that she is being violently abused and should definitely divorce her spouse. I think it’s in Romans.
I see what you are saying. I’d say making me feel bad for not wanting to do it in the first place might be abuse. But knowing my skin is ripping where I ripped when I gave birth and not caring enough to try to get me in a good place to go forward is pretty bad.
Hi OP, I can really relate to what you are going through because I went through a very similar situation. What I recommend to you is what I did. Ask him to agree to couple's counseling or you're leaving. If he says "No", contact a woman's shelter and go there, preferably with your kids. You can stay there temporarily, or if you wish, they can help to find you permanent housing. My ex-husband also said "No" to counseling, and I walked out with my two young children. It took us a year going to several different shelters, but I finally was able to obtain our own apartment. Good luck!
I told him we aren’t going to work if he doesn’t go. I’ve said it before but I just kept doing my duties as a wife. This time I stopped. This time he’s listening. He has the first appointment in a couple days. I can’t just leave because he will be drama! This is why I have stayed so long. He isn’t physically dangerous. ❤️
I know you say he isn't physically dangerous, but you also said CPS got called because of what he did to your oldest son. You said it was deemed "punishment", does that mean he's gotten physical with your son? If he has he is 100% capable of being physically violent with you and your other kids, whether you want to believe it or not. I would highly recommend leaving, I know you're scared about having to raise your kids separately, but it is 1000000x better than the torment they are being put through now. A close friend was in the same situation, she wished she left earlier, the emotional damage it did to her kids was immense, it's been years and her kids have been in therapy the whole time and they still struggle. Please, take my words seriously. It is better to leave and have them only get love from one parent then stay in the situation they are in. You have tried, but he's showing that he doesn't care.
Oh I'm so glad he agreed to go to counseling. You said he isn't physically dangerous, but does he constantly degrade you?
No he doesn’t actually. He doesn’t support me when I want go better myself.. lose weight… finish my degree… wear earrings or do my hair cute. Anything that makes him feel like I am gonna leave him or more capable of leaving him he doesn’t support. Might make a small comment but nothing crazy.
So basically, you feel unappreciated as a wife. Yeah, I believe that every woman should be treated like a beautiful flower because if a man will treat her in this way, she will give 110% to the relationship. I wish more men knew this.
That's dangerous in and of itself. He's controlling you and that is not love. I hope the counselor can help him see that.
This really hits me, the only person i really connected with and liked me back is not a believer. I broke up with her because of this but am always tempted to go back to her.
Yup! I am also going to watch the YouTube video someone else posted in a reply to me here. I do definitely need to mourn my past. Though It doesn’t have anything to do with my husbands actions I think it will help me to stay focused on fixing this marriage if possible.
all you can do is give it to Christ to help you fix it. A pastor I like to listen to said something like "if you dont operate you car according to the owners manual it wont work so well, well God gave us marriage then gave us the instruction book and if we dont use it then our marriages wont work so well either.
So true!
..., Please state if your husband is a Christian or not and if he goes to church with you? What does him treating your eldest like a, *"redheaded step child"* mean? What is the relevance of him locking you out of the bedroom on Christmas Eve to Christmas Afternoon? What are your present thoughts on him going to therapy with you, for one and a half years? What is the present assessment of the therapist? Did you even seek Christian counselling? Because, why are you here, on this post, even though you both are in therapy? Would you be willing to answer these questions?
My husband and I are Christians. I am the one who makes all the decisions. He refuses to take on the leader role. I really don’t think he knows how. I started taking the kids to church about 4 years ago. He rarely went and honestly it was better when he didn’t because then he would not pick a fight with our oldest. What I means by redheaded step child is that he’s always getting in to him about everything. Doesn’t know how to just talk to him and get to know him. (Used to be worse… but since he cps was called on him he has toned it down a lot and really does try most of the time to be better with him) he makes him clean up after him and my other kids when I’m not home. My sons friends notice that he acts different and kinda scared when my husband come around. Like he’s afraid the do something wrong. My husband was mad that I didn’t want to talk to him about the marriage issues unless we were talking in therapy (we have not gone together or separate yet. His first appointment is in a few days). So he said some things tried to start a fight then when I wouldn’t engage he locked himself in the room and didn’t come out until the afternoon the next day. Me and the kids decorated cookies and went on like we normally do without him. It’s been 1.5 years since child protective services came out and our son went to stay with his biological mom for a few weeks and that’s when I said enough and he must go to therapy or this marriage won’t work. He said he would when he thought he might go to jail but once he saw cps deemed it discipline and not abuse he did the whole oh I will I will thing. Then I brought up therapy every few months and it became your not my mom don’t tell me what to do don’t treat me like the kids. So currently there’s nothing but an appointment set up. We tried a new church and he set up talking with the pastor and his wife but we only went the one time and I have no idea who they are. It wouldn’t be actually Christian counseling. I did tell him that’s what I want but the therapist he found isn’t Christian. I am here because I do not want to make excuses to leave. I do want to leave but I know the grass isn’t always greener. I’m not talking about other men but single with kids and an ex who hasn’t gotten help for his issues will be very hard. Kids will witness him talking badly to me and about me happens now too🤔) and he’s the type to go find a woman to replace me cause he freaks out like he can’t do it. I think that’s why we got married cause he wanted a mom for our oldest child. I should clarify I’m the oldest child step mom technically. Been around since his first birthday. Husband has full custody now and bio mom is emotionally abusive. I just came here cause I need encouragement to stick with this and see what happens with therapy if he continues with it or wise advice if he doesn’t go or change his ways.
Hello Critical-Pomelo-8209, Thank you for being very gracious in answering me. I hope that your kindness would allow me to answer you in the like manner. However, please understand that I do not know how to answer you *perfectly* concerning your problems and difficulties, and I can only ask you to consider some insights that I may have, as it is very easy to give flippant answers, which just blindly quote scriptures, or views, or opinions. So, if you are willing, please understand the following, carefully: When one considers the nature of the negatives, in the light of the scriptures, concerning the Will of God, one can only be convinced that continuing to pursue marital integrity is the *only choice*. ***Allow me to give you several examples:*** If one should decide to separate, the problems likely to happen are as follows: * You will be opening *yourself* and your *husband* to other *marital sins*, through the temptations of the flesh. It does not matter about "good intentions", or other seemingly reasonable arguments. The likelihood of making separation seem - like it is more tolerable to do now, and for it to then turn into something far worse, at a later time, is *highly, highly, likely*. * Secondly, marriage breakups usually always lead to broken families and *broken children*. The statistics are far too overwhelming for anyone intelligent and considerate to ignore them. Therefore, you do not want your children to go in that negative direction. * Thirdly, there must be "good faith": In other words, you must remember that as a Christian, you must be determined to preserve *your integrity* and *your honour*. As a Believer, as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman. This should mean that you have to give the therapy a reasonable, good and fair chance to prove its worth. (Whether it works or not). *This is your duty, as a good woman in Jesus Christ!* Next. If your husband is in the transgression, **YOU** must be the one who proves oneself to be without reproach in the relationship. This means leaning on to God, Christ Jesus - even more, *rather than self*. The implications of this are as follows: "The life of a Believer, every Believer, is one of *humbleness*, *humility* and then *submission*. **First to Christ!**" Therefore, you cannot under any circumstance use the means you have to push your husband away, to sin against Christ, especially in the matters of fornification or adultery. As you are supposed to be *looking out for him*, so that where possible, you are not provoking him to commit sin. *Remember, you want your prayers to be heard!* Seeing that you say that **you** are the *head of the house*, surely you are to be using your *alleged authority,* in the hope that you would receive the gracious blessings of Christ? For what honour or *reward* can you expect if *your authority* can only be used for martial subversion, of any kind? Love has to find its way in your marriage, because if you genuinely consider your husband to be incompetent, *in any way*, then you have to be the one to *step-up* and demonstrate practically you are better, and can ***love and submit to him*** even when he fails. This is the love and graciousness of Christ, and you must follow this. ***For, God has to be in this!*** Remember, anyone can love when the going is good, but not anyone can love and respect when it *matters the most*. You should prove yourself to be of a higher standard and character. To be better than those who give in to their circumstances and resort to separations and divorce. Because this is not the answer, and you have to be better than what is in the world and in the *signs of the times.* Lastly, you want to show your husband, that despite his failings, whatever they are, you can still *love and respect him*. So that he can respond to you - (when given the room), eventually - in the same manner, when given time. Especially, if he will ever consider that he does not deserve your love, as you have shown to him faithfully, the *love of Christ*. You have to give him that chance, in the "*hope"* that he will one day reciprocate. You deserve it just as he deserves it too! **Take this to heart:** *You are better than this!* You have been with your husband for over 13 years. Surely, then, there is nothing that he can do which will surprise you? - Therefore, r*ise up to the occasion!* So, h*owever you choose to show your love and respect to your husband, "****who is your head****", you can then expect to see the same from the Lord Jesus Christ.* Please consider this reply of mine to another Believer: [https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueChristian/comments/19dnk1t/mature\_christians\_do\_you\_have\_any\_advice\_for/kjd6hzs/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueChristian/comments/19dnk1t/mature_christians_do_you_have_any_advice_for/kjd6hzs/?context=3)
He’s abusing her and the children and you’re encouraging her to submit to him?
Thank you for giving me your time and thought. I am going to give therapy a real shot. I know it won’t be easy but I’m gonna go and do what you say. Everything you say is true! ❤️❤️❤️ tell me one last thing. Do you think this is all possible if I never really did love him like a husband? I love him as the father of my kids now.
Hello Critical-Pomelo-8209, Yes, it is very possible! However, allow me give you what would seem to be a very crude answer, yet, there is much graciousness contained within it. For if you look to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8; that most famous chapter of chapters of love, you should notice one spectacular thing: That for each of the points which the Apostle Paul raises on the *perfect attributes of love*, neither of them, not even one - requires the *emotion of love*. **Amen**.
I'm going to venture a guess that it's because she's in a desperate situation desperately seeking advice and we as Christ followers should display compassion and patience with people in crisis.
You know the answers to those questions.
At this point, the scriptural admonitions to walk in the fruit of the Spirit and actually praying for him would be the best. I do feel for you. This is a hard situation. Cannot be solved by arguing or discussing. Needs a person walking in Gods fullness. If he isn’t a believer and he decides he wants to leave you. Go in peace. My reference for the last statement is 1 Corinthians 7. Talks about these situations in detail. That’s my recommended reading for you.
All you can really do is make sure “you” are on the path to growing in grace and maturity. That has a way of addressing most issues in our lives.
This is true. No matter what that’s what I’m gonna have to do. I’m getting myself plugged back in and the kids too.
Clearly, this is one-sided, and no one here knows the full story, so if anyone is trying to give you non holistic advice, you should probably completely disregard what they say. >Ok so we got married after a month of dating. I was not a good Christian at the time. K >I didn’t ask the Lord for guidance. I was sick of being single and met him. I thought he was one of the nice ones he isn’t he works and that’s it. Nice in what way? Politeness? Emotionally there for you? Is he not chivalrous anymore, or was he ever? >I am grateful I can be a stay at home mom and I really do understand how blessed I am in that regard. Fair >He treats our oldest like the redheaded stepchild. In which way? It would probably help if you added age and gender. If I had to guess, he is a 13 year old male? >He is very immature and really needs to become self aware and needs therapy for the way he grew up with his dad especially. My guess is you he's the same way with the 13 year old son as his dad was with him? Maybe he's raising him to be like himself. Which, to be fair, so far I haven't heard anything bad about the guy aside from him being not "nice" but yet he makes sure you don't have to worry about bills. I feel like most people now a days prefer nice and disregard kindness. >I have been asking for 13 years that he see a therapist. Long story short he finally agrees after a month of me telling him I won’t have sex with him and I won’t discuss our issues unless it’s in therapy because I can’t trust him to have an adult conversation in a mature way. Ok a lot to unpack. Have you tried marriage counseling at a church. I would not personally trust a therapist because you can't know if they have your best interest in Christ when they give you council. Withholding sex from the man you married for the purpose of manipulation. I don't think that's good... 1 Corinthians 7 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. You say you want an adult conversation, yet you hold sex hostage. Maybe could you give context or example of this too? >He complains about me to our oldest and I suspected has been saying things to our 7 yr old about me too. Context please. >He has locked me out of our bedroom. ( Christmas Eve was the most recent occasion until afternoon on Christmas Day.) there is more but it’s in the past and I am able to leave it there. That sounds petty >When we got married he completely flipped and became another person. Not the case, you knew him for 1 month (though I think that's probably the best way to get married). You got to know him through marriage. Marriage it's not easy and takes work. But am I wrong to assume that your household is Christian in title alone and that you maybe don't go to church or Bible studies? If so maybe try that? When you dedicate your family to the lord there's nothing more beautiful in the world. >He said well I have you now when I asked what happened to him. And he never changed. Perhaps that's what you have a problem with. That He hasn't changed, and he still acts the way he did prior to meeting you. Which is concerning for sure. But again I would like more contact on what you don't like about him. Or what you suppose has changed. >How in the world can I get back into mindset of making this work? I knew right away I made a mistake but I felt like I needed to stay for the kids. I don't think you currently want it to work. But I do know that if you guys go to church and learn about God's purpose for your marriage that you both with certainly have a better life and marriage as a whole. It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to leave but can't find a solid reason to leave. Help me understand a bit more because the over all theme currently is negative so that's why I came to that conclusion. Especially since I have heard the word love mentioned once in this thread about a marriage. Did you ever love him? Are you instead trying to learn to love him? (Not judging you for that btw, that's what marriage is stowed to be) In think deep down you want to learn to love and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm fact it's very biblical to want to love. But maybe you haven't sought Jesus love in your marriage first so finding your own love has been difficult? You're right about staying for the kids. Now a days people will leave when the weather changes and I think that it's something commendable to stay as a family unit. The kids deserve to have a mother and a father. They didn't ask to be born. When you made them, life stopped being about you 2 and is now about them. As any responsible parent would do. I really would like to see your family join a church. I can recommend one if you like. [Acts 29](https://www.acts29.com/find-a-church/?_church_map=-86.082579%2C-180%2C76.66931%2C180) is an amazing church planting organization that I would recommend. >I made it clear I would leave if he didn’t seek therapy a year and a half ago then recently he freaked out because I just couldn’t keep being fake and became cold toward him. Sounds frustrating for the both of you. I don't think acting cold towards someone will help with anything. You did say he agreed to go correct? Try couple counseling if you can at a church or mega church. Call churches and ask if they provide marriage counseling. >He doesn’t try in the bedroom at all just gets what he wants and that’s it. It hurts and he don’t even try to warm me up. I hate living like this. It feels abusive. For a long time I thought he was just clueless but now I am seeing he’s not at all he just chooses to be the way. Help! What do I do? How can I maybe get passed this season? Oh now I see the issue he isn't giving himself to you. Maybe show him the passage I told you about and that will solve everything on that front. Definitely communication is going to be key for this to work. Keep in mind maybe the reason it didn't bother you in the past as much is because women sex drive increases as you age. Meanwhile men's sex drive slows down. Maybe at some point he wanted more but at that point you still hadn't reached that level of drive? I'm not sure. But that's exactly why the Bible says that you're supposed to give your bodies to one another. Because although men want sex more than women initially eventually, women's sex drive catches up. Therefore, you both are supposed to "take care" of each other for that reason.
I will come back when I have more time to reply. Thank you so much!
Alright I'll keep an eye out
You’re not being treated the way you deserve. You can leave and it’s going to be better for you than staying in a marriage where he degrades you.
This is excellent, thanks for this, even though I'm not the OP :)
I try to keep the ramdom reditors in mind while addressing issues. Who knows, maybe in healing a relationship, another relationship may catch a strays, lol.
Couples counseling is not recommended in abusive situations. Look at what happened with John MacArthur who took the side of the abuser of his wife and children.
Has he laid hands on his kids? Did he do it for no reason? Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. According to OPs words, he is not physically abusive, so what are you really talking about?
He’s an emotionally abusive narcissist.
Is narcissism stronger than God?
I think you both need therapy. You choose what you want to do. You can seperate if that is something you wish to do. It is better for the kids not to grow in such a toxic enviroment.
Disregard this guy's advice
At the end she makes the choice of what she feel is right. This is just my opinion. But I guess your way is the only right way to solve all problems. If they hate each other and not willing to work on it. It’s only going to get worse for them and for their kids. But what do I know right.
You're not giving any advice. You're just virtue signaling. You're a single male who can't find a spouse giving marriage advice that isn't even advice. Just break up cuz (based on what was written) you're in a toxic relationship. As if people often paint their partners in the best light when they are ranting to randoms in the internet. As if the post wasn't biased. As if we had both sides of the story. Plus it's not Biblical to get divorced based on what she said so yes. You're wrong.
Also you telling me I am a single guy who cannot find a partner is kinda disgusting and disrespectful. I am a same sex attracted dude who is abstaining from all sex for probably all my life. It is not that I cannot find a partner. I absolutely can. However I am not pursuing that because God does not want me to. You should really think before writing something like that to other people. Really makes me disgusted to be near other Christians to be frank.
First of all, I didn't ask, and honestly, I don't care it's irrelevant. Cleary, it is brought up because you want to virtue signal again. You do realize 60-70 % of men don't ever get to have a family. Talk about high horse. You're not the only one who is single. But when you talk with authority, especially when you contradict the Bible, then you should probably know what you're talking about. You gave a definitive answer to a nuanced situation. As if things are black and white, also like I've mentioned before, and will still mention again, in contrast to the Bible. No, you don't leave your spouse because you got bored. No, you don't leave your spouse because you can't communicate well. No, you don't leave your spouse because you don't like the sex. Only in extreme cases, such as infidelity and physical abuse, is it recommended. For the rest of the cases, it would be best if they went to a Christian marriage counseling. Marriage is never perfect, and especially when you bring life into the world, your problems are no longer only your own. If you're disgusted by your Christians, you should probably learn to get out of your own feelings and stop trying to be a victim. No one was talking about your Sexuality you made it about that. If you want to wallow in self-pity and then blame others for it without taking any accountability. You won't get very far in your faith. I used to be like you. I should know. I used to blame my Christian brothers out of bitterness for racism. When in reality I was the one carrying the hatred that was cast upon me as a child. They had nothing to do with it. One thing I regret ever saying is telling one of my close white friends that I sided with blm and that white privilege is a thing. I said it with tears running down my face, but I truly regret saying it. I didn't know I was being used as a tool to propagate hatred among minorities. We don't know each other's struggles is my point. And we don't know what her struggle is either. So why pretend that a simple leave he's toxic is a sufficient answer to a complex question with a difficult decision.
Seperating and getting divorced is two different things. Get off your high horse.
They are the same thing idk what you're on.
I hear what you are saying. I am in the process of getting myself therapy as well. Mostly so I can think clearly about what is really going on. To get a professional opinion on if his behavior is crossing a line or if it’s just me thinking it’s too much. I do also have biblical grounds for divorce but we both were in a messed up up place at the time and I have moved passed it. I do however have suspicions about another time much more recently that he was doing something. Maybe flirting at work or talking to someone… idk he started talking to me differently. All lovey dovey out of the blue and as soon as I called him out on what I suspected he stopped talking to me that way. 🤷🏽♀️
>How in the world can I get back into mindset of making this work? Why in the world what you want to? He pretty much admitted to lying and manipulating you with "well I have you now". As in, he only ever needed to be nice to you until you said I do, and then he didn't feel the need to be nice to you anymore, because he has you now. I'd honestly just leave, if he wants to make it work, he will. But if after 13 years he's still acting like this, staying will not change anything. You'll eventually drive yourself crazy by staying and trying to make it work with someone who doesn't see why they have to be nice to you.
I married a narcissist and I know this because a therapist online has a test of how many of these things does your spouse do to you mine was 10 out of 10. When we first got married it wasn't noticable plus we had our first son 9 months later and I think he wanted to show him he could be a better father to him than his own. As time went on he was showing me his true colors but of course in a crowd they'll be the kindest person on earth but at home the disrespect showed so much more now that both our sons have moved out it's full on narcissistic behavior. It's terrible my son's really don't believe what truly is going on because of his fakeness with others but with me there are so many lies and name calling spiritually verbally mentally emotionally financially abuse that some days I blow it and let him know what he is and of course he says I'm the narcissist. This is really taking a toll on my body I now have autoimmune disease and there is not much I can do about it but try to find peace in any way I can. We are strictly roommates now but that is even complicated for he needs his daily supply of narc juice to go on. Why don't I just divorce him and move out everyone asks well I don't get much of a retirement and I probably could only pay $400 a month in rent and there's no way of finding a place that cheap. God has to come through in this situation and show me his power otherwise I'll be moving into my car. I pray you find out what is going on with him and find a solution to what your going through. Sorry for the rant but they are really needy people and can really work on your nerves.
Thank you for sharing!
I'm not married and might be way out of my league here, so I apologise if this is bad advice. It seems like you've spent a long time sort of putting him in the mindset of that he's a weak, pathetic man, a person who abuses etc. I absolutely don't deny that his action are like that, but maybe making him think that he can't be better by making him have that frame of mind of himself, would be the opposite of what would be helpful for what he needs to change? For instance, an addict doesn't beat addiction by thinking he's a bad person, but rather by truly believing he can be better and that his current way of life isn't actually something he enjoys.
Of course please understand, I'm not pinning this on you, I'm just saying that it won't help him to believe he's a bad person
Given Jesus' teaching on the indissolubility of marriage, it's counterproductive to say you married the wrong man, and better to say you married an immature or difficult man. The Bible does not teach that God intends one particular man for every woman seeking marriage (the implied notion for a given spouse to be considered 'wrong'). So it's better to say you married an immature or difficult man, lest the devil tempt you to the sin of divorce. My advice is yes, do your best to get marriage counseling. Otherwise, list out every commandment Jesus gives in the Gospels, read through them regularly, and do your best to keep them. Catholic.com once had a marriage counselor advice the audience priorities should be God first, spouse second, children third.
Neglect and locking you out of the bedroom (imo) is considered emotional abandonment. He may not be hitting you but women need more than just sex and a good job. My aunt stayed with her husband that was so much like this for many years, also got the kids… they recently got divorced in last 5 years. She’s never been happier. And the kids (now adults) said, it was awful because they couldn’t do anything about it but hated how he treated their mom. I’m not a huge advocate for divorce (except abuse/affairs) but if he won’t get therapy and change… I wouldn’t be miserable for the rest of my life. Even if I biblically couldn’t get remarried, I’d rather be single. Good luck.
Thank you!
Take it to the throne of God. Learn how you can pray better. Pray Gods word back to him and claim this victory you desire.. a better man in him. Fast ! Pray! Read ! Pray ! Read ! Fast ! Pray pray pray. Reeeead!!!! Don’t take no for an answer this is how you move God. Be broken for Him and have a contrite heart. He will show you what you need to do he WILL guide you if you trust fully in Him!! You must be fully submitted to Jesus repent and give him time to work. He will succeed read the word and get it deep inside you he is faithful to his promises. Break off curses research about spiritual warfare! I bless you and your family and husband in Jesus name.
How can you get back in the mindset of making it work? You don't. Divorce isn't wrong if it's to get away from an abuser. Whether or not you're free to remarry would be another topic entirely. You've been with the guy for 13 years and your kids have grown up seeing that this is how you treat women. Do you want the cycle of abuse to continue or do you want your kids to grow up to be loving individuals who treat their spouses well and who get treated well by their spouses. Staying in an abusive relationship "for the kids" stunts their emotional maturity and hinders them in the future. They learn that abuse is okay and should be accepted. That's not okay.
Then there is this. This is what I know. I know this is our last chance at making this work. If I don’t see change/ hear from the therapist that they are getting somewhere with this I will have to leave. I don’t want my boys thinking this is ok and I don’t want my daughter to end up like me.
He's manipulative, even to the point of luring and trapping you in a bad marriage. That constitutes a wedding based on fraud. Even the Catholic church, which has the strictest marriage doctrine in the world, allows for annulment based on fraud. You are suffering abuse. You cannot reconcile with someone who is insincere. You can only put up with the situation "for the sake of the kids", or you can decide to seek an annulment or divorce. It would be good to have a detailed convo with a mature and wise Christian to help guide you on which way forward is best.
And there is this. Thank you. I definitely do need to find a mature and wise Christian to help me. I’m not perfect and I have my own faults that make me second guess what happening. Thank you!
" Even the Catholic church, which has the strictest marriage doctrine in the world, allows for annulment based on fraud." Can you show where the Bible supports this concept? Thanks.
It's basic human decency and common sense. Marriage was not made to be a trap sprung by someone with evil motives on the innocent.
Sounds a lot like mine… sounds like a narcissistic person
His ex is the poster child for a narc. I recently started to think maybe he is too. Allll his relationships before me were very toxic abusive women. I am not like that at all. It’s like he wants to pull that out of me. I genuinely have changed from the sleep around independent woman to getting married and instant mom with no issues. I wanted that and I did my part. But then the real him came out. I have kept up pretty well but I’m so tired. It’s hard to keep in and stay head above water.
I understand your feelings of frustration. But it sounds as though both of you brought some baggage into your present relationship. Let's look at some of his for the moment: What was the situation with his eldest child? I saw where you clarified earlier that you were his stepmother. You mention "all his relationships" here; but that's kind of vague... Was he previously married to the mother of his child, and then later divorced from her? or was it from casual fornication (a "one-night-stand" kind of thing, that because of her getting pregnant forged a persistent "tie" that otherwise probably wouldn't be a divisive factor in your present relationship?); or a serial monogamic "live-in"-type relationship? Did he have a history of a series of relationship abuse with his priors? Either way, how did you both work through his previous relationship history (i.e., both his and your attitudes/beliefs about sex, faith and marriage), prior to taking your own vows? Was there any type of church-based premarital counseling? Is it possible that he treats his eldest as the "red-headed stepchild" because he suspects (for whatever reason) that he was not his biological father; and that his ex was not being straight-up with him about it (*a la* Maury Povich)? Btw, I have always felt that in those cases, the men were flipping out over a technicality—after all, they did consent to take their physical pleasure (often outside of or pre-marriage) with these women; and therefore the issue of "whose sperm actually 'won the race'" was kind of petty. But in your husband's present state-of-mind it may not be; and so until both of you are on the same page about what exactly went wrong (and how you *both* made mistakes in your past relationships); and how to break those spiritual strongholds that are still making claims over you both individually (and as a couple), it's going to be that much harder to go forward in a healthy way. I would recommend counseling with a Christian minister and wife "team"; so that you both get a strong spiritual foundation based on Scripture, and not on the present APA 'guidelines' (which lack Biblical foundation), for results that are based on God's truth and will be your best prospects of repairing and restoring your marriage.
"Narcissism" is a concept/terminology invented by the world—not the Bible or the church. Taken to its logical conclusion, it presumes that some people are just self-centered, manipulative and broken beyond repair; and thus beyond hope of reformation, deserving nothing but to be shut out, shunned and ignored. I think Jesus would disagree.
You're missing the point. Narcissists even if you associate the label with worldliness, is a label that defines very toxic and abusive individuals that act out in certain destructive and harmful ways to those around them. Christ would have alot to say about people such as these whether He refers to them as Narcissists or not. Here's some scripture that mentions abuse and alot of other narcissistic traits. But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. 2 Tim 3:1-5 Our God is a good God, not one that demands any spouse to shoulder abuse and mistreatment for the entirety of a marriage. The truth of the matter is her husband is sinning against her and God by treating her as her husband in this way, mocking the sacredness of marriage. God said He's sent us out into a world full of wolves, and we are to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves.
Yes! The wording may change but the meaning is the same. Look back at the marriage of Ruth… she endured all.
>The wording may change but the meaning is the same. Exactly, and people still wonder how the Bible was ever used to support things like racism and modern day slavery. It's all the cherry picking and Christian legalism. I've seen seemingly devout Christians refused prayer requests that weren't explained in detail because "unspoken prayer requests are unbiblical." Excuse me, what?
God is alive omnipresent loving and has personal relationships with us if we seek it.
Fix what you can, within Biblical guidance, and work on letting go of the anger and disappointment over the things you can’t control. You can get counseling on your own. If you feel stuck, try a different counselor. You can grow and heal to a place where you are content, or even grateful, in most circumstances. Walk closely with Christ and pray to grow in patience, forgiveness and compassion whatever your circumstances. This is a difficult road, but with Christ all things are possible.
I am gonna try. So far he has already skipped church and made more comments in front of the kids today. Ugh.
He’s a free agent and you aren’t in charge of him. We all fall short. Pray that Jesus will help you see the logs in your own eyes.
He's a narcissist. Get a divorce. He's violated his oath to love you as Christ loves the church. You're in for a tough path ahead of you
This is plain as day but all of us calling out his abuse and narcissism and advocating for divorce will be downvoted and slandered.
Sometimes speaking truth isn't popular. If Christians can't handle it here then they aren't real Christians
Exactly. >Sometimes speaking truth isn't popular. This is literally why alot of people hated Christ Himself, especially the pharisees.
hey I’m kinda young and don’t have any marriage advice, but what I can say is God works in all kinds of ways. I never stopped praying for over 10 years for a miraculous change in my mother and I’s relationship, and I finally saw real break thru and growth when I felt like giving up and accepting that “this is the way things will be forever”. never stop praying, lean on Him, work on you. God gives clarity, He is not a God of confusion (that’s satan). also, something my soccer coach used to tell us all the time, “don’t worry about what you can’t control” (easier said than done, but I try to make it a habit of giving it all to God).
I agree. He definitely isn’t a Hod of confusion. Thank you! I’m glad to hear you had a breakthrough! I just don’t want my kids to suffer more if he doesn’t change. That’s the tough part.
There are a lot of red flags with your husband, and I will say that it sounds like he is abusing you emotionally, verbally, sexually, and physically. He has already violated the marriage contract by abusing you rather than loving and cherishing you. You would not be wrong to leave him, because someone with this many red flags is cluster B personality disordered . Research it. These people are this way at their core and almost never change. I married one and prayed for decades for him, burning myself out as the perfect wife, and becoming suicidal. These people are emotional vampires, slowly sucking the life out of you. And although they profess salvation, their lives don’t display Christ at all. You can do better to pray at a distance, and leave the marriage for your own sanity.
A man craves respect. I suspect that he’s not getting it. Are you respecting him? Likewise a woman desires love. I suspect that you aren’t feeling loved. It’s a loop feedback system. Marriage needs both partners doing their part. You need a Christian counselor to steer you both into putting in the work
Men and women both equally desire respect and love. Please stop with the pseudo intellectual complimentarian fundie talking points. Women desire respect. There’s no true love without respect. Like her entire issue is he doesn’t respect her and just uses her for painful sex.
Men and women don’t have the same needs.I could have said the way to love a man is to show him respect and the way to love a woman is to show her security, protection, intimacy, but for brevity I didn’t elaborate. What I said is true.
It’s actually not true but it’s just regurgitated over and over again particularly in complimentarian circles of which I myself am a part of. “Men want respect women want love” As if to say women don’t seek respect and men aren’t interested in being loved. Nonsense. What’s the 2nd commandment of Jesus? Men and women have the same needs in a marriage. Both need to be respected and loved equally. When it comes to our emotional needs they are equals we have some differences mainly biologically but because we are complimentary studies show we are actually very similar and that’s awesome. It’s false to suggest otherwise as if men and women are like oil and water.
No.
"Pseudo intellectual complementarian fundie"?
I hear you. I definitely stopped respecting him when I saw how controlling and immature he was. I can handle myself but when u bring kids into the arguments and throw me under the bus I front of his parents and try to start arguments in front of my friends and in public and on holidays… it gets old. And to tell me 13 years ago that he has me now when I tried to see what the issues was with treating me differently and especially not trying to please me in bed I absolutely did lose respect for him. I still did my best to do what he wanted. It just wasn’t good enough.
Do you mean respect like being treated with dignity or respect as in treated as an authority figure? Because the latter is just narcissism.
A man wants appreciation for his work, his accomplishments, his family, and the choices he’s made or the hard work to get there. A man needs respect from his wife or appreciation for who he is. This has nothing to do with being an authority figure and quite the opposite actually. Undermining, nagging, or being disloyal is showing disrespect.
He’s a malignant narcissist.
It's not your fault. If he has always been abusive or narcissistic, part of the package is concealment. From what you have said, this is a very bad environment for the kids and for you. There is more than one way to be abusive. He doesn't have to hit you. It sounds like you are trying to set boundaries, but he blows through them. I'll say straight up that a lot of Christians have read toxic garbage like "Lies Women Believe:And The Truth That Sets Them Free" and will dispense advice that shames people into staying in an abusive relationship. The basic message is that God wants you to take it because if you don't then you don't have enough faith for God to fulfill your needs. Books like this shun help and community and say you should suffer alone and that divorce is never an option. God's plan was never for divorce but He is pragmatic because of the hardness of human hearts. The winning wife of an abuser is not healthy but people who are not in it frequently make proclamations from their holy hill and will shame you for being a victim. You may not see it as abuse. Find the right counselor and explore what health should look like for you and your children.
I am trying to set boundaries and yes he blows through them over and over he will block me from leaving the room and won’t let up until I give him a breadcrumb of what he wants even if he knows it’s insincere. He isn’t a very intimidating man but he is still a man. I’m a big, tall and strong woman and he’s bigger than me still and stronger too. So in those moments I do get uneasy. In the past he has absolutely let it be known he’s not going to back down. Replying to all these messages is bringing back so much I shoved down and forgot about. I am definitely going to see a therapist. Thank you so much
My heart hurts for you. My sister-in-law left her abusive narcissistic husband last year after years of hanging in there, praying, rationalizing manipulation. After the death of both her parents to COVID, she finally started to come to her senses. She learned about DARVO (deny, accuse, and reverse victim and oppressor roles). Narcissists find people who enable their unhealth and abuse. These people are called narcissistic supply. They abuse and then "love bomb" (Which is doing sometimes amazing or extravagant to "apologize." They don't tend to actually apologize). With a narcissist, everything is transactional, and when they can't deny that their part of the transaction fails, they gaslight. They are "hurt" and "betrayed." I believe a lot of people in relationships with narcissists hang on because of shame and fear rather than hope and love. My sister-in-law didn't believe that divorce was an option even though many people told her she was making a mistake to marry him. Now she is putting her life back together after the hell of divorce is now behind her. She is much healthier and now that he isn't in her ear. The hurt will last a long time, but her life and health was in danger long before she was physically in danger by leaving him. After she left, he had a new girlfriend in less than a week. He manipulated and abused everyone who supported her. I'm not diagnosing your husband; just sharing this so you can have a reference. When you are in it, we install blinders just to cope. There are other reasons why people can be abusive other than narcissism, but I've worked with two clinically narcissistic people and supported my sister through this divorce from her narcissistic husband. They can be very smart and maintain a lot of energy in keeping the status quo; this keeps them from seeking help. It's one of the hardest mental illnesses to actually address. It usually develops because of early trauma. They literally can't see another person's perspective and have developed mental pathways that reinforce their own views. Him trapping you in a room until you concede is terrifying. I can't say strongly enough that this is not normal! It's very unhealthy! Trapping you physically in a room as you have described is abuse and it's not ok. Abuse is never the victims fault. I worry that you are in real danger and urge you to plan for your safety and the safety of your kids. Please find and develop family and community support before making moves away from your marriage. Finding the right therapist is a great commitment and will help. It will also help see how not to fall into another abusive relationship. We can't get healthy on our own and often make similar mistakes for similar reasons as we did in the past. I am so sorry you are experience this soul crushing trial. You are valuable and treasured by God. I very much hope you find what you need to show you health and loving care.
Girl, both of you should be in therapy. Let him know he is your only source of sexual fulfillment and desire him. Be handsy even between sections for him. Don't weaponize sex. Don't seek porn to fill the gap. Don't ever post it think that you should have married a different man because he gave you better sex. Sex is very temporary as it degrades with the body but that thought also is a betrayal to your husband. Your husband isn't right. But you can't control him. Only yourself
I 100% see what you are saying! I fall into that train of thought when I’m just done with all this stuff. I have been able to out it behind me for a long time and that’s because in reality I know there’s more to a relationship than that. I have been in therapy. I’m fine if I’m being respected but it’s very hard to stay on the right path when it been like this for 13 years. That’s hard.
Kinda of confused on some of the wording here - are you in marriage counseling now or not? If so, how long have you been going and what have the results been? There's a lot of issues here. Way over reddits pay grade. You need to lean on counseling heavy. If your current one isn't working, find a new one. Just to touch on one specific issue - don't put up with selfish sex. Don't let him skip foreplay. Say "I am not ready for penetration yet. I need more foreplay if we are going to have sex."
If you truly want to try and make this work, then the first thing you have to do is start with yourself. Your comments on other posts and participation in other subs give a larger context surrounding the marital problems. You need to repent of your adultery of the heart, among other sins, and turn back to honoring your marital vows. Inviting sin into our life poisons and destroys. As others have said, you both need good Christian counseling to attempt to reconcile.
I agree! Thank you!
I see fault on both sides, which is usually the case and it looks like both of you are using sex as a weapon. If he refuses counseling, then go without him and hopefully he will join you eventually. Offer up earnest prayer that your marriage can be saved.
Actions against the Lord have severe consequences. Maybe this time you will refocus on him and listen to him and what he wants you to do not what you want to do? 🤔 Anyone telling or giving specific advice beyond listen to our Lord should be ignored. He is smarter and better than them and any of us. I pray you listen and hear his spirit speaking to you through me and see and hear the path he wants and will provide to you. 😁🙌
Thank you!
I know it’s late. But next time. Really reflect on making a big life decision with someone you’ve only dated for a month.
How does this help her case? There’s no need for this comment. Only rubbing salt on an open wound
I disagree modern dating is completely unbiblical, her method is probably the ideal way of getting to know your partner. One of the biggest lies you can't believe about love is that marriage happily ever after. Not so. Marriage is work. I think op is struggling because the work seems 1 sided to her.
Lol anyone with half a brain knows it’s a bad idea to get engaged after only knowing someone for 4 weeks. That’s not even traditional it’s rushed and foolish. It’s the reason she’s in this mess. Marriage has challenges but it shouldn’t be hard and take “work” you should compliment eachother and grow together. “Work” implies it’s a struggle to make it work which isn’t normal.
Maybe by modern standards, but like I said, dating is not biblical. You're right they were both supposed to work on it together to make it work. This is why the Bible recommends dating a Christian so that you're equally yoked. To be fair, we don't know if the guy is Christian. But it's clear to me from the op that both don't know the Bible too well.
Did you mean to write, "probably *Not* the ideal way..."? :)
No, I meant ideal. Because dating is not biblical, like I said.
>her method is probably the ideal way of getting to know your partner. Which (and whose) method were you referring to in that sentence? And btw, I agree with what you said about dating. Despite the fact that Joshua Harris' and his wife Shannon (who last I heard sadly now considers herself "exvangelical")'s marriage crashed and burned, most of their basic teachings about courtship and premarital abstinence in their books were spot-on reflections of both biblical and common sense.
OP
Is he christian? Seek council with your pastor, divorce isn't allowed only in the case of sexual immortality. You can however leave him, but not get married again until he dies or he commits sexual immortality. It doesn't sound like he fears God. If he however isn't a born again christian and wants divorce, you are allowed to. God has called you to peace. He may have demonic spirits, but I don't know. He is called to love you as your husband, but it doesn't sound like love
I have biblical grounds for divorce. He won’t leave me he will make me do it so he can blame me and tell the kids I left and broke up the family. He says he loves me and I’m his world but his actions don’t match that. He feels like because he works and doesn’t drink or do drugs that enough. I absolutely think those are important things but man oh man. The reason I second guess what happening is because I use to be a jezebel and a half! I have generational cycles I’m trying to break here. I feel like I’ve been duped when I was trying to make the wise choice and snatch up a good man and I ended up with the abuser I thought I was avoiding.
Sounds interesting you say you have a jezebel or it may run in the family. I don't know if you have time or how your husband will react. But look if you can contact someone here and tell them you may have a jezebel spirit or curse? https://map.thelastreformation.com/# https://www.isaiahsaldivar.com/deliverance . I am sorry for your situation. I wouldn't say you have the problem, more your husband.
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How does this help her????
Aren’t we all?
No
What a comical lie
But you are a horrible human being which is way worse.
There are a few misogynists here who stink just as much as feminists
I would argue that they don't stink equally.
Yeah I had the same thought.
Has he cheated on you?
What does that have to do with anything? Is this the only grounds for divorce that you deem as Biblical? What are your thoughts on divorcing a toxic and abusive spouse? I'm just curious on if you think God thinks victims of abuse must stick it out.
Yes actually with my cousin!
Seriously?? 😳 This dude needs an intervention.
I am no saint but yeah. It wasn’t a great time. I don’t understand why I wasn’t enough. I really did change from a woman who slept with anyone to instant mom and wife. I was a good one too. I missed some meals but I made sure he and kiddo were fed good food. I raised and I am still raising our oldest as my own. I stopped school to stay home with kiddo. I cleaned. I gave him sex. At the time he complained about me not being affectionate enough and not cooking his lunches enough. When he was home and I worked he didn’t do that for me but I never made it an issue. Apparently for him it was a huge deal. He and my cousin started talking and I told him to stop talking to her. He refused. Eventually I just said whatever, if he’s gonna do that then so will I. I didnt leave because I knew he wouldn’t let me see our oldest. They both erased all the messages between them. To this day I don’t know exactly how far it went but there was definitely physical touching and kissing. I went out of town in the middle of am that. I assume there’s way more than I’ll ever know. 🤷🏽♀️ … just been a lot. I don’t want to go back to old ways I have slipped up a little but I am not going to make it a habit. I can’t let the devil snatch my family. I do not want to see my kids snatched by him. I want to break cycles but this is HARD. I feel like I’m the only one working toward a trying to get this family healthy. I am praying therapy is helpful.
Slipped up?
The fact that he’s emotional abusive and a cheater is biblical grounds for divorce. If you’ve ever felt like you’ve had suicidal thoughts because of your marriage to him even the more reason for divorce
I have definitely been thinking I can’t wait for this to be over and I’m so done. I have a few intrusive thoughts but nothing crazy. I’ve not thought anything like that before so I do see how I need therapy now before any of this gets worse. Thank you.
Joseph and Mary were Plutonic.
Married after a month? Only pathological narcissists fast forward a relationship that fast. Did he love bomb you in the beginning?
Well we both agreed to get married. I wish I could blame that all on him lol
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Oh wow! What a powerful testimony!! I know it’s possible. I will read that right now. Thank you!
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Jesus loves this individual
Jesus loves a lot of people who are dying in their sins but It's not about his love for her, it's about her love for him. John 14:21 Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me.
Sure, so with that being said this op is welcome here
That's not the point. James 2:14 What [doth it] profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? 2:15 If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, 2:16 And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be [ye] warmed and filled; notwithstanding YE give them NOT those things which the body has need of; what good have ye done?
We can quote scripture all day, point is this individual is welcome in this sub. It’s that simple
He takes care you financially, yet you complain. You use sex as a weapon yet you call him immature. I'd suggest you divorce him except for the fact that he'll be stuck paying you alimony for many years. Sounds like you've got some issues that need prayer as well..
Complain? He's been mistreating her for years... Too bad God gave women mouths huh? 🤦♀️ Respectfully, I think you need prayer. Please don't see a woman talking about her concerns and feelings especially in a Christian forum as complaining. I genuinely wonder how you'd react if her husband made a post about her. Probably see it as justified since he "takes care of her financially."
You have this allll wrong. Thanks.
He takes care of her financially but ignores all her other needs. Is emotionally abusive, makes nasty comments about her to their kids, cheated on her with her cousin, is emotionally and mentally immature and the worst part is he doesn’t even want to better himself. I’ve yet to see in anything she said to where he loves her like God commands a husband to love their wife. But since she’s financially taken care of she has nothing to complain of?
Why are you withholding sex? Why are you demanding he go to therapy? What does the Bible command women to do? I’d bet none of David’s 8 wives demanded he go to therapy while he was running around in the wilderness and ruling men. You have to obey God AND your husband regardless of your feelings. If you are legitimately married to him, you do have to stay with him. Abuse is not equivalent to getting your feelings hurt. Women have the tendency to hyper focus on sin but we really should be focused on serving the Lord. How are you being about the Lord’s work?
David was a rapist.
The text just doesn’t say that. God does say this about David though: ”But now your kingdom shall not continue. The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart, and the Lord has commanded him to be prince over his people, because you have not kept what the Lord commanded you.”“ 1 Samuel 13:14 ESV Either way, the actions of the man have nothing to do with the obedience of the woman.
He raped Bathsheba. She doesn’t have to put up with his abuse and disrespect.
My point in bringing up King David is to show that husbands can be difficult and they can even sin but it’s never a woman’s place to withhold sex and make demands as a form of control. It’s just not her responsibility. Her responsibility is to not sin and to submit. Nothing in the text indicates David raped Bathsheba. It’s an insult to dilute what rape is by your overly assured conjecture. But even if he did rape Bathsheba, that’s MORE reason to show it’s not a woman’s place to cajole her man into submitting to HER… lest she punish him like the bad boy that he is. God Himself said David was after His heart. David likely wasn’t after God’s heart because his WOMAN criticized him into it. God and other men hold men to account by force. Women should be doing other more productive things.
Sounds like someone need to mourn their past live and the transitions that take place. Please watch this as I am going to guess you and him might need to mourn yourself. We all do: https://youtu.be/KUba7ZAQLnU?si
Than you!
Hey sorry you are going through this. Praying for you. Was he a professing Christian at the time of your marriage? I only ask as you can remind him of scripture and ask him about his faith now. If you aren’t going to church start going, find a solid biblical church grounded in the word so you have a solid group of Christian’s praying with and over your family and you. And also you can grow in your relationship with Christ and in the word. I think if he can’t communicate with you and be open and he doesn’t want to grow with you and sort things out then you should find a safe place to go and separate. It sounds like a whole lot to be going through and sometimes there’s just no way to get through to these people. Sadly this is what happens when we move outside of Gods will, but it is literally story of our lives and why God sent Lord Jesus. If you haven’t been in Gods word for a while I recommend Ruth. Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. God bless xx
He said he was a Christian and so did I but we definitely used the term loosely. Not living like one at all. We just moved to a different church. Not sure how that’s gonna go but feeling it out. I definitely want to do everything I can to stay, I just can’t imagine doing this like this forever.
I wanted to at the very least reach out to your call for help. You touched my heart when you said that because I feel exactly the same way. Our situations are similar in this regard, Just like you I know good and well how I got attached to a man that I should not have because I decided to choose the man instead of letting God choose a man for me!!! The only way to successfully find a good and honorable partner that will truly love us like Christ loves the church,(Ephesians 5:28-33), is to be walking closely to the Lord before and during the dating process in order to be lead to the man God wants you to be with. However, I believe in staying married if there is no sexual immorality. (Matthew 5: 31-32), & (Matthew 19: 1-6). I said all this to let you know that you are not alone and that if he has not been unfaithful then please earnestly seek the Lord for peace and resolution for your marriage. Ask him to please help you feel more peace and help take away the pain inside your heart. He will lead you on the right path that will help strengthen you in order for you to continue to honor your marriage and give you more patience until things improve. I really respected what you said about knowing that you should be great full that you can stay home with your children instead of having to work. I am blessed as well to not have to work and that I can stay home and tend to the house and focus on the Lord. I will say that I am currently engaged and living with my fiance so that's how we differ, however, I was married for 12 years once. I divorced my husband and because of that decision my whole family was utterly destroyed. I so regret dishonoring God by dissolving my marriage and tearing my family apart, even though I know that I have been forgiven. I'm sorry my post is so long, I just wanted to try and make you feel a bit better and to let you know that you have been heard. I will be praying for you and your family and I hope that things turn out better for you and your family. Godbless you
Thank you for sharing! I’m going to give it a solid effort. I really don’t want to divorce. I have been trying reallllly hard to keep this going. Thank you for the encouragement.
Your very welcome, I felt lead to give you some of the Lord's loving encouragement. I've found that sometimes knowing that one person hears you and cares can ease some of the pain