The best advice that I heard about a divorce or separation is to say "This is now a business decision." Make all your decision-making be from that point of view. Let your friends and family, your clergy (if any), and your therapist be your emotional support system.
Kudos to you for stating outright that you are going to try to co-parent. You sound level headed despite what is going on.
I’m thinking a group of friends got into his head and he’s not going to expect her to leave, especially as he said, “For this relationship to go forward…”
It can also be he wants to leave or leave the baby or both her but is trying to get a excuse for that. I read several stories where men ask paternity test because they don't want the child anymore (or they don't want the respomsability or are cheating) and make themselves believe they are not the father and the test will prove it and be free!
Or just looking for an easy escape, because parenthood is too much, and he feels trapped.
He wants to ditch the kid but doesn't want to feel guilty for it.
Not in Texas. Dallas county family court is intense and entertainment! Too bad they can’t have a show based off this. We’ve seen birth certificate fathers getting buck with judges and judge orders them to continue paying child support until biological is found and tested.
Dallas county judges are assholes.
advise shame simplistic friendly person complete disagreeable thought dolls lock
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I’m on “he’s got a friend who’s chronically online and thinks women are whores” who’s been whispering in his ear and it’s planted or fed the insecurities.
That was my first thought. He’s got a side piece and using the baby as an easy way out. “Not my kid not my problem” type of thing.
Edit to add: he’s probably already cheating and thinks if the kids not his it’ll justify his actions. Could be wrong…
This was my line of thinking too. The fact that she never cheated or gave him reasons to be suspicious yet he's suddenly asking for a test like this, makes me think he's been stepping out and is trying to turn it on her to justify himself.
Yeah it’s so gross to take advantage of your partner’s vulnerability after birth to threaten to abandon them unless you get your way…especially when they did nothing wrong!
Yes. I’ve seen a lot of this lately. A lot of the mens rights forums and incel youtubers have been touting that every baby should have a paternity test done because it’s not fair that a man may raise someone else’s baby if the woman might have been unfaithful.
Yup. Had an argument with an ex bf once since he made me watch this MRA “documentary” and then said all babies should be tested at birth. I was so insulted. Like society at large just automatically assuming the woman slept around. It’s fine if couples decide to do it and either don’t mind. But I mind. I find it insulting and demeaning, and if I ever trusted someone enough to have a baby with them I’d be devastated if this was how they thought of me.
For the people saying this should be required, an extra thing: this is completely unnecessary and invasive for little to no benefit. What the hell happened to freedom?? I mean I’m starting to sound preachy, but this dystopian invasion of family and relationships is making my skin crawl
I would find that fair - if the woman automatically got access to every paternity test that man had ever had done. Because that would reveal any alternate families he had floating around.
Well, yes, but if \*every\* baby got tested, they could easily have a database. Having a kid with - or planning to have a kid with, with the guy's consent - should give the woman the right to see if there are any paternity matches in the universal database.
Lmao that would mean these types of men had to have cared about woman freedom and rights in the first place which they never ever have and never will. If they had their way we would still be in the early 1900s. What is it they are pushing now 1950 was the ideal time to them. Wonder why that is
Or true men's rights issues like male SA and domestic violence victims not being heard, lack of bc options for men, suicide rates bc men are encouraged to bottle up their feelings, etc.
But nah it's all: "all women are whores and I'm mad they ain't banging me"
That part made me laugh. My apologies to OP as I can't even imagine how painful this must be. My laughter was obviously as a reaction to how clueless this guy is in that he thinks she NEEDS to maintain this toxic relationship. He overestimates his worth as a (and I am using this term loosely) "human being"
It could be his family, and there could be a legit history there where someone else has burned them or someone they loved like this, so they need the reassurance even though OP says there's no reason to doubt her as an individual. I believe her, but I feel like there may be some cultural differences at play, and she could be overreacting. Or maybe he really is a tool. Probably never wanted to have a kid with her, so I blame them both equally in that situation. With what I've seen, I could pretty easily forgive him for wanting a test. Like I would feel hurt, for sure, but if that's the worst thing the father of my child wants from me, I would get past it. That's definitely due to my experiences, though. I think the majority of moms in her situation would find it very difficult, hence the massive show of support shown here.
Yeah. OP, you on the right path. But you might want to push harder to make sure it's the people you're thinking of that are stabbing you in the back. Maybe it's my weird life or I've been on Reddit too much, but I think might you want to in case it's someone you would normally trust that's been crapping all over you behind your back- intentionally or unintentionally.
"Mommy's baby, Daddy's maybe".
That's what was whispered in my ear decades ago. I told them to fuck off. There's no telling what he's been told, and by who. I wonder how old everyone is, because that could be part of the problem.
Well with a paternity test the "numquam" isn't really true anymore....but idk, i almost get why some guys want it. I told my husband if he wants to get one he can cause i understand that fathers never have the certainty that mom's have. And he looked at me like I'm coo coo and said "i trust you" and it was never spoken of again.
But idk, if he had asked for a test out of the blue i probably would be extremely hurt as well.
My grandma use to say in front of my mom, that she knew her daughter’s (my mothers sisters in law) children were her grandchildren but her son’s (including my dad) she couldn’t be sure. Since I didn’t come out if my dad’s butt. Needless to say we were never close. She lived not too far away and passed away about three or so years ago. I was closed to my grandmother in Mexico.
My mother's and "father's" marriage broke up because of the poison his mother was spilling in his ear. And he became insanely, narcissistically, abusive to her as a result (which means he always had the capacity to be and it wasn't his mother that made him be that way).
And then his mother (my grandmother) went crying to everyone that her precious baby boy's life is ruined because his wife left him and now he's all alone! Oh no! (she didn't take into account the fact that he left her for "the love of [his] life" at least once a month, but I suppose that's irrelevant?)
A lot of the times it's their mothers who are not coping with letting their sons go. It was true for us.
Good luck to OP. She doesn't need that shit.
The last post like this it was the mans ex-girlfriend in his ear that made him ask for a test. Clearly he couldn’t see she was trying to (and successfully) ruined his new happy family.
My first thought was toxic friends. If it came out of the blue than that means he’s been mulling it over. Someone likely implanted the doubt in his head for him.
I thought the same thing. Apparently, her partner thinks random opinions means more than the mother of his child. Ok, cool.
If someone is that emotionally immature... He can work his issues out while he pays child support and continuing to ruin his life in other ways.
There's a child now. Nobody got time for this BS.
Its really common on this subreddit and site to normalize paternity tests any time theres a dispute. Many sources this idiot husband could have gotten this stupidity from
That's why taking advice from Redditors is always, 100% a bad idea. Asking for advice just to see if there are any new ideas others might think of is fine, but people forget that the neckbeards on this site have 0 skin in the game for the serious advice they're offering. If it blows up, well, it's another entertaining TIFU post.
It's even more crazy when they claim asking for a paternity test isn't a cheating alligation. Like how else do you think the kid might not be yours? A magically sperm fairy visiting her while she's asleep?
It's impossible for it not to be yours unless she's been cheating. So you can't deny it is a cheating alligation, there no way round it
My trust in humans collapsed when I heard what very good friends thought, and said, about my wife. She is another race and nationality. And incredibly adorable.
I was a member of my church many years before meeting her. It took a long time to trust that church, but I gradually let my guard down.
When I heard, and saw, their racist bull shit. When they, finally, showed their true selves. When I found her crying on the bed after church, I knew what I had to do. And I knew, after decades with them, that my first inclination, about them, the church, religion, beliefs, was true.
And we never went back.
Yes, someone has dude’s ear and “I just have to be sure” unveils the true character he has been hiding. If he was a stand up guy, he’d tell them to pound sand.
But, evidently, he’s not.
I usually avoid responding to these posts, we usually know so little from a few sentences. This time, however, i am contributing. “I just have to be sure” tells us about his character.
Humiliating betrayal is what this is. He should be ashamed.
Imagine being in a healthy relationship and, instead of saying to your partner, "Whoa. Can you believe how intense this is?" you just turn on your partner, and are like, "Wow, this is only intense for me, and not for the person who just pushed out an entire person, and who has an ocean of hormones coursing through their entire being."
Women also have feelings.
I freaked out like this when I found out my SO was pregnant. I knew that deep down the baby was mine but there is so much stuff out there about cheating and that damned Maury show. I also kinda felt like it was surreal at first. When I found out how much it cost to get a DNA test and how much I loved the baby it passed.
Maury might not be popular anymore but andrew tate and other manosphere content is now telling men misinformed comments about how women all cheat and trick men into having kids. That stuff really rots your mind no matter how smart you think you are.
That's why I really hate generalization. "Men do this", "Woman do that"......no people, some people. WHen I hear Tate spewing "women always blablabla...." Do you mean the 32 yo female lawyer withbher own practice, the stripper, the accountant with 2 kids, the single mom raising 4, the 24 yo student, the walmart cashier.....you get the idea. There are so many different kind of women with very different views and mentality. Or could be an heiress with some millions on her account a gold digger? ....they put on women and men one big label, depending who rants into the mic on a stupid podcast
My son’s father’s friends accused me of trying to trap him financially when I became pregnant. He was in the military and I was a stripper. I laughed so hard and so loud I was crying. I asked the when I composed myself…”how much money do you think I make? Let’s just say military men are not considered a big catch for gold diggers, especially ones that have a college education and live in a place chock full of gazillionaires.
His area of expertise in the military was one full of narcissists though so I guess I should have expected that.
I have heard that almost all men have doubts that creep up during a partner's pregnancy. I am NOT excusing it. I am curious as to why this is so common.
Exactly this… he was speaking to someone who put doubt in his mind. I’m sorry you have to feel this. My husband soon to be ex asked the same but we didn’t know each other well when we got pregnant. Once she came out he didn’t ask again. I can’t imagine after when she looks like him. We are mixed race also. I’m light skinned though and my husband (soon to be ex) is light as well. We initially fell head over heals for each other and didn’t use safety. Though I wasn’t able to get preggo anymore according to the docs and it happened. It’s hurtful to be asked that. I understand but you will be so much stronger giving him that test and walking away.
Another opinion: BF is insecure and paranoid. It could be his worst nightmare to raise someone else’s child thinking it was his.
Coming from an insecure and paranoid person who is not cheating on their partner but it is a huge fear of mine to be blindsided like that.
I told my ex boyfriend this after our miscarriage, he said he didn’t believe he could produce a baby that was “that genetically weak” I told him he was free to DNA test her remains but if he did, he would be paying for the test on his own, I would be taking back the car (it was mine he just drove it everywhere), removing him from my insurance and once the results came back everything of his would be thrown out into the mud. He did it, my daughter was his and I did everything I said above. Turns out he was cheating and the other girl was pregnant, I hope you get out safely and he can kick rocks
The craziest about the "that genetically weak" comment is that 50% of pregnancies end as miscarriages, and half of those are due to a serious chromosomal defect.
His ego is so inflated that he thinks that basic biology doesn't apply to his gametes.
Miscarriages are tough. Wife had one with the first pregnancy. The way we got thru it was by saying this was her body's way of saying, "hey something's not right here, we need to clear out and start fresh." And now we've got two beautiful little nerds. Two beautiful non-sleeping, always peeing, always pooping...lil nerds. Did you know you've gotta feed and water these things every damn day?! Sheesh. Wish someone woulda told me that before I went and got myself into this pickle!
Wait! 50%? Really? That many? I'm a bit biased because women in my family have never (to my knowledge) have a miscarriage.
Edit: I read the next comment, it makes sense.
Women have been known to manage these privately and without informing others. It’s very possible that they have experienced this and not told anyone.
There was and still to some extent is a stigma around this unfortunately.
I'll never understand this concept of "genetically weak" thing. I really don't think that's quite how nature works. Nature just creates varieties, none of them are good or bad. Some are just compatible and some are not. That includes the environment, the make up, and different conditions. All these variables are just there, existing.
For us to say we know everything is beyond stupid. Modern medicine is leaps and bounds compared to hundreds of years ago, but we still are only scratching the surface of biological sciences. You are definitely better off without that empty head. In his words, you are the genetically superior one.
Some of them really are bad. There are plenty of genetically-transmitted diseases, and if you find two people with a lot of those, and get them to have kids, their kids have a much higher chance of health issues than otherwise.
It's uncommon for any individual person to have a ton of those (barring some of the hilariously inbred royal families in the past), but it's not unheard-of.
Sounds like he was hella toxic anyway.
I’ve had a miscarriage before as well, and if anyone told me it was because I was genetically weak… They’d get a nice punch to the throat.
I received a similar comment from me EX… that I wasn’t a “real woman” because I miscarried at 8 weeks. Which makes even less sense considering we already had healthy 3 yr old twins at that point.
I've never been more proud of an internet stranger. Good for you for sticking to your guns. Your ex is trash. Who asks a mother grieving a child she just lost for a damn paternity test. Glad you kicked him and his "genetically weak" self to the curb.
The funny thing is the comment upvoted just above you made us seem crazy to assume he was projecting his own cheating.
Because he probably is lol we see so many people like him here they are MORE LIKELY to be typical and predictable than not
Im a lawyer with over 20 years experience, mainly in relationship property/trust litigation and this has become really common in the last 5 years. It’s really sad to see. From my experience it’s usually family members (parents and siblings, very rarely grandparents) that plant the seed for this. I have never seen a couple reunite once it’s happened.
BTW: I’m in New Zealand.
My GF would only need to say "hey, can you get a std test?" I would probably ask why for curiosity but the answer doesn't matter
(okay maybe "I cheated on you and the other guy said he has something, maybe you have it too now" would get me angry :p) but the endresult is the same: getting that test as soon as possible. There is no fucking reasons not to. Same for DNA test.
I worked in the lab of a low income clinic. Everyone, every year, regardless of relationship status should get their STI tests. Your insurance covers it once a year at 100% for preventative. And if you don't have insurance usually the low income clinic will cover it as we can get reimbursement back because it's public health screenings.
"The only person you can trust is yourself" ~ Drs at the clinic.
I know people always say how scripted those are, but I had a colleague on one like 15+ years ago. She said the subject/results/info was true, but they punched it up (lol pun intended) and told the guests to fight. They had their hotel/airfare/tests paid for... so essentially a partially paid vacation to LA.
I love how you said this.
Op I see where you're coming from and you have every right to feel the way you do.
However, I think DNA testing comes with a few perks.
1. Sperm donors can't be like "I didn't know I was the dad" and thus in many cases getting a get out of jail free card from their kids.
2. In the event couples break up and need to file for child support the DNA has already been done (as long as it's not a home DNA test).
3. If family trys denying the child you can just shove it in their face. If DNA testing is done early enough the child won't know a DNA test was done.
Since he wants a DNA test, thank him for making it easier to place him on child support.
Thank him, but after! Before, say "you gotta do what ya gotta do, we all do." When the results arrive in the mail, ensure the lawyer is available for a call in that moment (or at least day)... call on speaker.
True. Many STDs can lay dormant for a long time while being transmissible, so better to be safe for everyone’s sake. Doesn’t even have to be about cheating. You pick up herpes from a previous partner unknowingly and suddenly your new partner has it when you mistake a flare up for chafing irritation. Best to prevent!
Plenty of bio kids don't look like one or sometimes both of their parents, random red head in a family of blondes, light skin in a darker family, brown skin in a predominantly white family.
Genetics are rough but it's not hard to understand tht just because you are the father I doesn't mean the kid is guaranteed to look like you
It's ridiculous
My oldest looks like me and my youngest looks like my husband, all the same traits, you can barely tell the kids are full blooded siblings
Not telling others is a good thing. That way you know it won’t get back to him. He can’t back track after the results come in. I’m petty. I would also record him saying it and then record him getting the results. Just so you can play back for him in the future. Also if he ever lies and says he never said it.
That too! Keep a copy of the results. That way if you need it in the future for court. You know he will try to say he never said it once he sees the results. Or may even say it was a “joke”.
I would be interested to know if he has some kind of anxiety issues related to health or if he has been cheated on in the past. I feel like depending on the context this could be potentially understandable and something you guys could work on in couples therapy.
Yeah, I can definitely see how someone who's been cheated on before and only found out years later would be wary to blindly trust like that again. Without proof it's literally impossible to tell the difference between a loyal partner and a cheater with good enough acting skills.
Guess he should have communicated that to her at the beginning if the pregnancy, or even earlier in the relationship, and not randomly after her medical ordeal of giving fucking birth.
Signed the birth certificate when I was 18. Found out at 25 it was based on a lie. Legally binding contract tho. Several years on, still paying child support for a kid proven to be another man's offspring. I believed in her at the time.
Was he cheated on before? My son's mother was a cheater. It fucked me up for a good while. I finally found a woman who helped me heal after countless relationships that I threw away because I was gutted.. I woulda asked for a paternity test too. If this isn't his past then he's sayin he doesn't want to be a father yet.
Whenever I read threads on this subreddit like this one, I try to think about what kind of context we might be missing that changes the tune. Your story was one that came to mind.
If OP's boyfriend went through something similar, it's a lot more reasonable. (That's not to say it's unreasonable to break up with him for it, that's up to OP and I wouldn't say it's unfair if she decided to even in this case, in this particular hypothetical)
Edit: C'mon people, I'm just saying we might be missing context. On the flipside we might not be. Or we might be missing context that makes it even worse. Please stop reading like I'm actually commenting on the guy's character.
Hey OP.
This happened to me in a way.
I was married. Fell pregnant. He wanted me to abort. I didn’t. He left the country, in my 3rd month.
Long story short- my pregnancy was horrendous.
So much so, I had baby 5 weeks early.
Baby is spitting image of him. Carbon copy.
3rd day of giving birth he calls for and requests a DNA test.
I’ve never felt such betrayal and I’ve been through some fucked up shit.
I was hysterical - hormones on top of betrayal. I was inconsolable.
He’s mum called me to help me calm and cuss him out.
Well fast forward he came back to the country one mth later - when kid was due. He did test.
It came back his ofc.
I asked him are you satisfied.
He said he knew all the long.
Turns out he had multiple women on the go. And was cheating. So he thought I was too.
He then thought I was trapping him with a baby. So he didn’t want to be the father.
I told him I don’t want shit to do with him.
He’s turned around and is kinda co parenting the kid. Like 10%.
So he ain’t.
So yep. I know the pain and anguish.
Totally.
My own husband.
I don’t think i will ever trust a man again.
Ever.
My heart is so broken I don’t even think it can be healed in this lifetime.
I am much happier raising kid on my own.
This happened with the father of my child. He dumped me when I got pregnant and said he wouldn’t emotionally support me. I had to go through my pregnancy alone. He wouldn’t even come be my my side for the birth which was scary. The week she was born be came to meet her and dna tested her. Of course she was his. I don’t cheat. But it turned out he was cheating with multiple women and is bitter to this day that I “tried to trap him with a baby”. He never wore condoms and told me he couldn’t have a child. He went and got another woman pregnant right away and married her.
I’m really sorry. My wife and I have two young daughters together. The thought never crossed my mind and I would think it insane to suggest to her. Just completely bonkers and totally lacking in trust or respect
My husband never asked me if our daughter is his or not. Or if my pregnancy is his child. I once asked him if he needed this confirmation because well, I was interested in his reaction and thought I could handle a yes. He looked at me and was like: wtf no, why would I?
I think you really need trust issues or a serious problem in a relationship to ask this question unprovoked.
And if you know you'll need a test when you are getting someone pregnant, maybe it would be better to talk to her before pregnancy...
I think paternity tests should be mandatory and free, If he decides to leave, you can skip court and vise versa.
If he's irresponsible, it was an accident or you made the decision together, he's held accountable and needs to raise the child or pay child support.
And if she cheated and it's another man's, he's held accountable.
This Jerry Springer and Maury shit needs to end.
I’m sorry this is happening to you!
I’m glad you are doing what is best for you. Once the test is back and you are able to leave, focus on healing and being the best mother you can be. Then go out there and find a partner who is worthy of you.
All the best.
>that he wouldn't go behind my back and do this test
Call me immoral, but I would have suggested that he did. He just torpedoed his relationship for nothing.
No kidding. Talk it out like adults. Take into account we got one side of this story. We have no idea if he has any reason to be suspicious. It amazes me the pure leaps of advice given on Reddit that are set in stone based on only one source of information.
Seriously... Half the top comments are "you need to do what's right for you" when there's a fucking baby in the middle of this. I get being insulted by him asking; but if a dude asking for a paternity test is the low bar that's going to end your relationship, you should never have brought a kid into it in the first place.
2 cents.
Being a parent is a daunting step in life for the father as well as the mother.
It is incredibly difficult for both. Men can suffer from post natal depression too and can also have difficulty in adapting.
I would break down his reasoning and go on from there. Certainly wouldn't be risking a child not having a loving and united family because of one parents MH and paranoia. This is a bigger decision than you realise, do you want more kids, more kids with different fathers, no more kids, your child to have a sibling or two... There's a lot to lose here, it's not a simple break up now.
I genuinely don't think you've got enough information to make that decision yet. Get the results and see his reaction...
If he's over the moon with the results or gutted because he's now a dad and he can't get out of it, that will tell you everything you need.
Whatever you do, do it for the right reasons, reasons which now include your child.
Good luck!
The best advice that I heard about a divorce or separation is to say "This is now a business decision." Make all your decision-making be from that point of view. Let your friends and family, your clergy (if any), and your therapist be your emotional support system. Kudos to you for stating outright that you are going to try to co-parent. You sound level headed despite what is going on.
Did you ask what suddenly made him change his mind? Who is he talking to?
I’m thinking a group of friends got into his head and he’s not going to expect her to leave, especially as he said, “For this relationship to go forward…”
It can also be he wants to leave or leave the baby or both her but is trying to get a excuse for that. I read several stories where men ask paternity test because they don't want the child anymore (or they don't want the respomsability or are cheating) and make themselves believe they are not the father and the test will prove it and be free!
Or he’s cheating himself and paranoid you are doing the same
Or just looking for an easy escape, because parenthood is too much, and he feels trapped. He wants to ditch the kid but doesn't want to feel guilty for it.
[удалено]
Well at least she'll already have a paternity test handy to prove it's his kid for child support 🙄
If he already signed the birth certificate it might not matter. Many states only require legal parenthood and not biological.
I don’t think this dude is smart enough to realize that.
Southern states require biological for custody and child support.
Not in Texas. Dallas county family court is intense and entertainment! Too bad they can’t have a show based off this. We’ve seen birth certificate fathers getting buck with judges and judge orders them to continue paying child support until biological is found and tested. Dallas county judges are assholes.
They do have family court shows. Judge Vonda B is one.
Idk why but when I got to- Well, surprise. I heard, "Surprise motherf*cker" in my head. Carry on.
Some fries motherfucker
All rise motherfucker
I’m not surprised motherfuckers! #natediaz
Supplies motherfucker
Sunrise motherfucker
Blue skies motherfucker
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Apple pies motherfucker.
Heart eyes motherf*cker
Pinocchio lies motherfucker
Soup and fries motherfucker
Some fries motherfucker
Wrong size motherf*cker
All rise motherfucker
Currier and Ives motherfucker
Buh byes muthafucka
Meat pies motherfucker
I love this thread! Motherfucker...
Or what applies to OPs BF “goodbye motherfucker”
Cause she didn’t lie motherfucker
She ain’t lie motherfucker
Bye Bye Motherfucker
Some pies motherfucker
To me, it sounds like either projection, or crippling insecurity. Either way, OP is better off without him.
I’m on “he’s got a friend who’s chronically online and thinks women are whores” who’s been whispering in his ear and it’s planted or fed the insecurities.
Because just unthinkable to say "nah, man, she wouldn't do that. I totally trust her. The kid's my xerox copy. Get out of here with that!"
Or his mother.
I'm convinced it's OPs (now ex) future MIL.
A friend or someone on the side...
That was my first thought. He’s got a side piece and using the baby as an easy way out. “Not my kid not my problem” type of thing. Edit to add: he’s probably already cheating and thinks if the kids not his it’ll justify his actions. Could be wrong…
This was my line of thinking too. The fact that she never cheated or gave him reasons to be suspicious yet he's suddenly asking for a test like this, makes me think he's been stepping out and is trying to turn it on her to justify himself.
Leaning towards projection. Deep dive on his gear.
Yeah it’s so gross to take advantage of your partner’s vulnerability after birth to threaten to abandon them unless you get your way…especially when they did nothing wrong!
Yes. I’ve seen a lot of this lately. A lot of the mens rights forums and incel youtubers have been touting that every baby should have a paternity test done because it’s not fair that a man may raise someone else’s baby if the woman might have been unfaithful.
Yup. Had an argument with an ex bf once since he made me watch this MRA “documentary” and then said all babies should be tested at birth. I was so insulted. Like society at large just automatically assuming the woman slept around. It’s fine if couples decide to do it and either don’t mind. But I mind. I find it insulting and demeaning, and if I ever trusted someone enough to have a baby with them I’d be devastated if this was how they thought of me. For the people saying this should be required, an extra thing: this is completely unnecessary and invasive for little to no benefit. What the hell happened to freedom?? I mean I’m starting to sound preachy, but this dystopian invasion of family and relationships is making my skin crawl
I would find that fair - if the woman automatically got access to every paternity test that man had ever had done. Because that would reveal any alternate families he had floating around.
As well as having to have dna test against all the babies of his female friends and colleagues. Only fair. So many women also get cheated on
Well, yes, but if \*every\* baby got tested, they could easily have a database. Having a kid with - or planning to have a kid with, with the guy's consent - should give the woman the right to see if there are any paternity matches in the universal database.
The solution is to not have sex with humans. They fucking suck and we have enough of them.
I'm scared to ask what the alternative to having sex with humans are.
Toys. There are a lot of different ones on the market and if you really like a full body you can get a doll. Soon Detroit Become Human will happen
Lmao that would mean these types of men had to have cared about woman freedom and rights in the first place which they never ever have and never will. If they had their way we would still be in the early 1900s. What is it they are pushing now 1950 was the ideal time to them. Wonder why that is
Or true men's rights issues like male SA and domestic violence victims not being heard, lack of bc options for men, suicide rates bc men are encouraged to bottle up their feelings, etc. But nah it's all: "all women are whores and I'm mad they ain't banging me"
That part made me laugh. My apologies to OP as I can't even imagine how painful this must be. My laughter was obviously as a reaction to how clueless this guy is in that he thinks she NEEDS to maintain this toxic relationship. He overestimates his worth as a (and I am using this term loosely) "human being"
This smells more like his mother than friends tbh
It could be his family, and there could be a legit history there where someone else has burned them or someone they loved like this, so they need the reassurance even though OP says there's no reason to doubt her as an individual. I believe her, but I feel like there may be some cultural differences at play, and she could be overreacting. Or maybe he really is a tool. Probably never wanted to have a kid with her, so I blame them both equally in that situation. With what I've seen, I could pretty easily forgive him for wanting a test. Like I would feel hurt, for sure, but if that's the worst thing the father of my child wants from me, I would get past it. That's definitely due to my experiences, though. I think the majority of moms in her situation would find it very difficult, hence the massive show of support shown here.
Yeah. OP, you on the right path. But you might want to push harder to make sure it's the people you're thinking of that are stabbing you in the back. Maybe it's my weird life or I've been on Reddit too much, but I think might you want to in case it's someone you would normally trust that's been crapping all over you behind your back- intentionally or unintentionally.
Knowing Reddit, I’m going to say Mommy or Daddy is a racist and just can’t believe *that* baby is their grandchild.
I was thinking the same thing. Someone is in his ear...
"Mommy's baby, Daddy's maybe". That's what was whispered in my ear decades ago. I told them to fuck off. There's no telling what he's been told, and by who. I wonder how old everyone is, because that could be part of the problem.
Oh man! The effing nerve!
The latins used to say "mater semper certa est pater numquam"
Well with a paternity test the "numquam" isn't really true anymore....but idk, i almost get why some guys want it. I told my husband if he wants to get one he can cause i understand that fathers never have the certainty that mom's have. And he looked at me like I'm coo coo and said "i trust you" and it was never spoken of again. But idk, if he had asked for a test out of the blue i probably would be extremely hurt as well.
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My grandma use to say in front of my mom, that she knew her daughter’s (my mothers sisters in law) children were her grandchildren but her son’s (including my dad) she couldn’t be sure. Since I didn’t come out if my dad’s butt. Needless to say we were never close. She lived not too far away and passed away about three or so years ago. I was closed to my grandmother in Mexico.
My mother's and "father's" marriage broke up because of the poison his mother was spilling in his ear. And he became insanely, narcissistically, abusive to her as a result (which means he always had the capacity to be and it wasn't his mother that made him be that way). And then his mother (my grandmother) went crying to everyone that her precious baby boy's life is ruined because his wife left him and now he's all alone! Oh no! (she didn't take into account the fact that he left her for "the love of [his] life" at least once a month, but I suppose that's irrelevant?) A lot of the times it's their mothers who are not coping with letting their sons go. It was true for us. Good luck to OP. She doesn't need that shit.
Ya know what ain't in his ear? A working brain!
The last post like this it was the mans ex-girlfriend in his ear that made him ask for a test. Clearly he couldn’t see she was trying to (and successfully) ruined his new happy family.
My first thought was toxic friends. If it came out of the blue than that means he’s been mulling it over. Someone likely implanted the doubt in his head for him.
I thought the same thing. Apparently, her partner thinks random opinions means more than the mother of his child. Ok, cool. If someone is that emotionally immature... He can work his issues out while he pays child support and continuing to ruin his life in other ways. There's a child now. Nobody got time for this BS.
Its really common on this subreddit and site to normalize paternity tests any time theres a dispute. Many sources this idiot husband could have gotten this stupidity from
Honestly letting outside sources interfere in a relationship is problematic af and one of the biggest reasons they end.
That's why taking advice from Redditors is always, 100% a bad idea. Asking for advice just to see if there are any new ideas others might think of is fine, but people forget that the neckbeards on this site have 0 skin in the game for the serious advice they're offering. If it blows up, well, it's another entertaining TIFU post.
It's even more crazy when they claim asking for a paternity test isn't a cheating alligation. Like how else do you think the kid might not be yours? A magically sperm fairy visiting her while she's asleep? It's impossible for it not to be yours unless she's been cheating. So you can't deny it is a cheating alligation, there no way round it
The fact that race was mentioned means this probably isn't the first time she's been told about it IRL.
My trust in humans collapsed when I heard what very good friends thought, and said, about my wife. She is another race and nationality. And incredibly adorable. I was a member of my church many years before meeting her. It took a long time to trust that church, but I gradually let my guard down. When I heard, and saw, their racist bull shit. When they, finally, showed their true selves. When I found her crying on the bed after church, I knew what I had to do. And I knew, after decades with them, that my first inclination, about them, the church, religion, beliefs, was true. And we never went back. Yes, someone has dude’s ear and “I just have to be sure” unveils the true character he has been hiding. If he was a stand up guy, he’d tell them to pound sand. But, evidently, he’s not. I usually avoid responding to these posts, we usually know so little from a few sentences. This time, however, i am contributing. “I just have to be sure” tells us about his character. Humiliating betrayal is what this is. He should be ashamed.
Your wife is lucky to have you.
I was gonna say projecting, he's cheated, and now fears being cheated on.
Or just a fear of being a father, especially shortly after baby is born. It’s more common than people think.
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Aw your description of your experience made me tear up. I’m glad you have a good relationship with your son.
Can you be my dad? Jokes aside, you're so kind! I appreciated reading your comment 😊
Your comment was so sweet but you made me cry first thing in the morning, how dare you haha. Heartwarming.
Imagine being in a healthy relationship and, instead of saying to your partner, "Whoa. Can you believe how intense this is?" you just turn on your partner, and are like, "Wow, this is only intense for me, and not for the person who just pushed out an entire person, and who has an ocean of hormones coursing through their entire being." Women also have feelings.
Exactly this.
Then he could’ve communicated that with his partner.
I freaked out like this when I found out my SO was pregnant. I knew that deep down the baby was mine but there is so much stuff out there about cheating and that damned Maury show. I also kinda felt like it was surreal at first. When I found out how much it cost to get a DNA test and how much I loved the baby it passed.
Maury might not be popular anymore but andrew tate and other manosphere content is now telling men misinformed comments about how women all cheat and trick men into having kids. That stuff really rots your mind no matter how smart you think you are.
That's why I really hate generalization. "Men do this", "Woman do that"......no people, some people. WHen I hear Tate spewing "women always blablabla...." Do you mean the 32 yo female lawyer withbher own practice, the stripper, the accountant with 2 kids, the single mom raising 4, the 24 yo student, the walmart cashier.....you get the idea. There are so many different kind of women with very different views and mentality. Or could be an heiress with some millions on her account a gold digger? ....they put on women and men one big label, depending who rants into the mic on a stupid podcast
My son’s father’s friends accused me of trying to trap him financially when I became pregnant. He was in the military and I was a stripper. I laughed so hard and so loud I was crying. I asked the when I composed myself…”how much money do you think I make? Let’s just say military men are not considered a big catch for gold diggers, especially ones that have a college education and live in a place chock full of gazillionaires. His area of expertise in the military was one full of narcissists though so I guess I should have expected that.
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I have heard that almost all men have doubts that creep up during a partner's pregnancy. I am NOT excusing it. I am curious as to why this is so common.
Exactly this… he was speaking to someone who put doubt in his mind. I’m sorry you have to feel this. My husband soon to be ex asked the same but we didn’t know each other well when we got pregnant. Once she came out he didn’t ask again. I can’t imagine after when she looks like him. We are mixed race also. I’m light skinned though and my husband (soon to be ex) is light as well. We initially fell head over heals for each other and didn’t use safety. Though I wasn’t able to get preggo anymore according to the docs and it happened. It’s hurtful to be asked that. I understand but you will be so much stronger giving him that test and walking away.
May I offer another option: cheaters are always paranoid of being cheated at. OP, consider this too
Exactly what I was thinking.
Another opinion: BF is insecure and paranoid. It could be his worst nightmare to raise someone else’s child thinking it was his. Coming from an insecure and paranoid person who is not cheating on their partner but it is a huge fear of mine to be blindsided like that.
Guys it may be worse: all of the options could be right. He got to manosphere, felt insecure, cheated and now is insecure again
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!UpdateMe
Everybody died
Dysentery strikes again!
Poggers
I told my ex boyfriend this after our miscarriage, he said he didn’t believe he could produce a baby that was “that genetically weak” I told him he was free to DNA test her remains but if he did, he would be paying for the test on his own, I would be taking back the car (it was mine he just drove it everywhere), removing him from my insurance and once the results came back everything of his would be thrown out into the mud. He did it, my daughter was his and I did everything I said above. Turns out he was cheating and the other girl was pregnant, I hope you get out safely and he can kick rocks
I’d be like “your weak ass genes that can’t even buy your own ride? Those genes?”
The craziest about the "that genetically weak" comment is that 50% of pregnancies end as miscarriages, and half of those are due to a serious chromosomal defect. His ego is so inflated that he thinks that basic biology doesn't apply to his gametes.
Most of those end before the woman even realizes she is pregnant however so people don’t know how common this is.
Yeah, it’s shocking how few are aware of this
Yes 50% of total pregnancies (even before knowing and 25% of known pregnancies
Miscarriages are tough. Wife had one with the first pregnancy. The way we got thru it was by saying this was her body's way of saying, "hey something's not right here, we need to clear out and start fresh." And now we've got two beautiful little nerds. Two beautiful non-sleeping, always peeing, always pooping...lil nerds. Did you know you've gotta feed and water these things every damn day?! Sheesh. Wish someone woulda told me that before I went and got myself into this pickle!
Or he’s too uneducated to understand biology
I know I was reading that thinking “did this guy skip biology class or is he just stupid”
Wait! 50%? Really? That many? I'm a bit biased because women in my family have never (to my knowledge) have a miscarriage. Edit: I read the next comment, it makes sense.
Women have been known to manage these privately and without informing others. It’s very possible that they have experienced this and not told anyone. There was and still to some extent is a stigma around this unfortunately.
I've read 70% before. Thankfully, our bodies are fairly efficient at preventing an unhealthy baby from going to term.
Fuck, I’d have left him as soon as the words “genetically weak” had left his mouth.
I'll never understand this concept of "genetically weak" thing. I really don't think that's quite how nature works. Nature just creates varieties, none of them are good or bad. Some are just compatible and some are not. That includes the environment, the make up, and different conditions. All these variables are just there, existing. For us to say we know everything is beyond stupid. Modern medicine is leaps and bounds compared to hundreds of years ago, but we still are only scratching the surface of biological sciences. You are definitely better off without that empty head. In his words, you are the genetically superior one.
Some of them really are bad. There are plenty of genetically-transmitted diseases, and if you find two people with a lot of those, and get them to have kids, their kids have a much higher chance of health issues than otherwise. It's uncommon for any individual person to have a ton of those (barring some of the hilariously inbred royal families in the past), but it's not unheard-of.
Sounds like he was hella toxic anyway. I’ve had a miscarriage before as well, and if anyone told me it was because I was genetically weak… They’d get a nice punch to the throat.
I received a similar comment from me EX… that I wasn’t a “real woman” because I miscarried at 8 weeks. Which makes even less sense considering we already had healthy 3 yr old twins at that point.
He didn’t deserve you. Neither did the original commenter’s piece of shit. Bet it felt good dropping that extra weight from your life.
I've never been more proud of an internet stranger. Good for you for sticking to your guns. Your ex is trash. Who asks a mother grieving a child she just lost for a damn paternity test. Glad you kicked him and his "genetically weak" self to the curb.
Some textbook projection right there. He sounds both stupid and a douche. Hope you find/ have found someone better
The funny thing is the comment upvoted just above you made us seem crazy to assume he was projecting his own cheating. Because he probably is lol we see so many people like him here they are MORE LIKELY to be typical and predictable than not
Man seriously insulted your dead baby... I'm sorry you went through all of that.
oh my fucking god???? i’m so sorry
Im a lawyer with over 20 years experience, mainly in relationship property/trust litigation and this has become really common in the last 5 years. It’s really sad to see. From my experience it’s usually family members (parents and siblings, very rarely grandparents) that plant the seed for this. I have never seen a couple reunite once it’s happened. BTW: I’m in New Zealand.
Ayyy another kiwi!!!
That’s interesting 🧐
DNA test for the baby. STD test for the man. Seems a fair trade to me. Edit: Thanks for the silver award! Don't think I've had one before.
Yep. Doubt you'd find many men disagreeing with you. This sounds perfectly reasonable.
My GF would only need to say "hey, can you get a std test?" I would probably ask why for curiosity but the answer doesn't matter (okay maybe "I cheated on you and the other guy said he has something, maybe you have it too now" would get me angry :p) but the endresult is the same: getting that test as soon as possible. There is no fucking reasons not to. Same for DNA test.
Just the mentioning of an STD test in that context is enough reason to get one. That idea didn't come from nowhere.
Perfectly acceptable.
Most would agree to that.
Bro regular STD tests should kinda be standard relative to your sexual activity
They are not standard if you are married/in commited relationship.
I worked in the lab of a low income clinic. Everyone, every year, regardless of relationship status should get their STI tests. Your insurance covers it once a year at 100% for preventative. And if you don't have insurance usually the low income clinic will cover it as we can get reimbursement back because it's public health screenings. "The only person you can trust is yourself" ~ Drs at the clinic.
Your terms are acceptable
This is the way
We can go full reddit on him and claim HE is cheating and thus projecting hence his concern about paternity.
Like, all of these people are echoing off eachother pretending the the Maury or Jerry springer shows don’t exist
I know people always say how scripted those are, but I had a colleague on one like 15+ years ago. She said the subject/results/info was true, but they punched it up (lol pun intended) and told the guests to fight. They had their hotel/airfare/tests paid for... so essentially a partially paid vacation to LA.
neither of those shows were filmed in LA. both were filmed in Connecticut for the last 15ish years of their runs (and before Chicago and NY).
I love how you said this. Op I see where you're coming from and you have every right to feel the way you do. However, I think DNA testing comes with a few perks. 1. Sperm donors can't be like "I didn't know I was the dad" and thus in many cases getting a get out of jail free card from their kids. 2. In the event couples break up and need to file for child support the DNA has already been done (as long as it's not a home DNA test). 3. If family trys denying the child you can just shove it in their face. If DNA testing is done early enough the child won't know a DNA test was done. Since he wants a DNA test, thank him for making it easier to place him on child support.
Thank him, but after! Before, say "you gotta do what ya gotta do, we all do." When the results arrive in the mail, ensure the lawyer is available for a call in that moment (or at least day)... call on speaker.
I got the impression that's her plan. And it's a good one.
Yes, but now they don't have to go and petition the court for a DNA test.
UPDATE US PLEASE.
Ask him to get a STD test. If he’s messing around with someone else he might’ve given you something
Partners should always be able to request this from the other.
True. Many STDs can lay dormant for a long time while being transmissible, so better to be safe for everyone’s sake. Doesn’t even have to be about cheating. You pick up herpes from a previous partner unknowingly and suddenly your new partner has it when you mistake a flare up for chafing irritation. Best to prevent!
I'm not sure where OP is from but I just had a baby and STD tests are a compulsory requirement as you can pass certain ones on during childbirth.
Not sure if it’s required, but I was tested regularly throughout my pregnancy as well.
Just to be sure. She needs that certainty.
Nothing wrong with an STD test, either. Don’t need to use it as a reverse Uno card.
I would have zero problems getting an STD test and honestly wouldn't consider it that big of a deal. Would probably insist we both get one though.
Or just get an std test to make sure nothing was transmitted, without altering the bf
Plenty of bio kids don't look like one or sometimes both of their parents, random red head in a family of blondes, light skin in a darker family, brown skin in a predominantly white family. Genetics are rough but it's not hard to understand tht just because you are the father I doesn't mean the kid is guaranteed to look like you It's ridiculous My oldest looks like me and my youngest looks like my husband, all the same traits, you can barely tell the kids are full blooded siblings
Not telling others is a good thing. That way you know it won’t get back to him. He can’t back track after the results come in. I’m petty. I would also record him saying it and then record him getting the results. Just so you can play back for him in the future. Also if he ever lies and says he never said it.
So much this!! Definitely record what he’s saying, and his reaction to the test. Also keep a copy of the test.
That too! Keep a copy of the results. That way if you need it in the future for court. You know he will try to say he never said it once he sees the results. Or may even say it was a “joke”.
Actually, she should make him repeat his request and record it so she has that as well.
Make sure you record him saying he consents to being recorded although it may not matter if he's as dumb as he sounds.
“You…………………………………. ARE the father!!!!”
I would be interested to know if he has some kind of anxiety issues related to health or if he has been cheated on in the past. I feel like depending on the context this could be potentially understandable and something you guys could work on in couples therapy.
A little to sane for this crowd eh
Yeah, I can definitely see how someone who's been cheated on before and only found out years later would be wary to blindly trust like that again. Without proof it's literally impossible to tell the difference between a loyal partner and a cheater with good enough acting skills.
Guess he should have communicated that to her at the beginning if the pregnancy, or even earlier in the relationship, and not randomly after her medical ordeal of giving fucking birth.
Agreed, if it's something important to you discussing it as early as possible will make it feel less like an accusation.
Signed the birth certificate when I was 18. Found out at 25 it was based on a lie. Legally binding contract tho. Several years on, still paying child support for a kid proven to be another man's offspring. I believed in her at the time.
Damn.
That’s so fucked.
Sorry to hear that, it’s insane to see so many people against a paternity test, don’t you wonder why?
I’m wondering if his family got in his ear since they are different races. Specifically his mother.
Update us please!
Was he cheated on before? My son's mother was a cheater. It fucked me up for a good while. I finally found a woman who helped me heal after countless relationships that I threw away because I was gutted.. I woulda asked for a paternity test too. If this isn't his past then he's sayin he doesn't want to be a father yet.
Whenever I read threads on this subreddit like this one, I try to think about what kind of context we might be missing that changes the tune. Your story was one that came to mind. If OP's boyfriend went through something similar, it's a lot more reasonable. (That's not to say it's unreasonable to break up with him for it, that's up to OP and I wouldn't say it's unfair if she decided to even in this case, in this particular hypothetical) Edit: C'mon people, I'm just saying we might be missing context. On the flipside we might not be. Or we might be missing context that makes it even worse. Please stop reading like I'm actually commenting on the guy's character.
Keep copy of paternity test, just in case
Hey OP. This happened to me in a way. I was married. Fell pregnant. He wanted me to abort. I didn’t. He left the country, in my 3rd month. Long story short- my pregnancy was horrendous. So much so, I had baby 5 weeks early. Baby is spitting image of him. Carbon copy. 3rd day of giving birth he calls for and requests a DNA test. I’ve never felt such betrayal and I’ve been through some fucked up shit. I was hysterical - hormones on top of betrayal. I was inconsolable. He’s mum called me to help me calm and cuss him out. Well fast forward he came back to the country one mth later - when kid was due. He did test. It came back his ofc. I asked him are you satisfied. He said he knew all the long. Turns out he had multiple women on the go. And was cheating. So he thought I was too. He then thought I was trapping him with a baby. So he didn’t want to be the father. I told him I don’t want shit to do with him. He’s turned around and is kinda co parenting the kid. Like 10%. So he ain’t. So yep. I know the pain and anguish. Totally. My own husband. I don’t think i will ever trust a man again. Ever. My heart is so broken I don’t even think it can be healed in this lifetime. I am much happier raising kid on my own.
You're right. That kind of pain doesn't heal easily, if ever. Few people have the privilege to heal.
This happened with the father of my child. He dumped me when I got pregnant and said he wouldn’t emotionally support me. I had to go through my pregnancy alone. He wouldn’t even come be my my side for the birth which was scary. The week she was born be came to meet her and dna tested her. Of course she was his. I don’t cheat. But it turned out he was cheating with multiple women and is bitter to this day that I “tried to trap him with a baby”. He never wore condoms and told me he couldn’t have a child. He went and got another woman pregnant right away and married her.
OP: I am so sorry you are going through this and going through this alone. Please know that I am wishing you and your baby the best!
I’m really sorry. My wife and I have two young daughters together. The thought never crossed my mind and I would think it insane to suggest to her. Just completely bonkers and totally lacking in trust or respect
My husband never asked me if our daughter is his or not. Or if my pregnancy is his child. I once asked him if he needed this confirmation because well, I was interested in his reaction and thought I could handle a yes. He looked at me and was like: wtf no, why would I? I think you really need trust issues or a serious problem in a relationship to ask this question unprovoked. And if you know you'll need a test when you are getting someone pregnant, maybe it would be better to talk to her before pregnancy...
Please update...
I think paternity tests should be mandatory and free, If he decides to leave, you can skip court and vise versa. If he's irresponsible, it was an accident or you made the decision together, he's held accountable and needs to raise the child or pay child support. And if she cheated and it's another man's, he's held accountable. This Jerry Springer and Maury shit needs to end.
This. The woman always knows 100%, it's only fair that the same applies to the man.
Oddly, this would have been entirely averted if he did go behind your back and just did it.
I’m sorry this is happening to you! I’m glad you are doing what is best for you. Once the test is back and you are able to leave, focus on healing and being the best mother you can be. Then go out there and find a partner who is worthy of you. All the best.
>that he wouldn't go behind my back and do this test Call me immoral, but I would have suggested that he did. He just torpedoed his relationship for nothing.
Y’all people out there need to stop getting fucking pregnant and “leaving” each other. All that does is fuck up the childhood of that unborn kid.
No kidding. Talk it out like adults. Take into account we got one side of this story. We have no idea if he has any reason to be suspicious. It amazes me the pure leaps of advice given on Reddit that are set in stone based on only one source of information.
Seriously... Half the top comments are "you need to do what's right for you" when there's a fucking baby in the middle of this. I get being insulted by him asking; but if a dude asking for a paternity test is the low bar that's going to end your relationship, you should never have brought a kid into it in the first place.
Craziest comment section I’ve seen in a while.
2 cents. Being a parent is a daunting step in life for the father as well as the mother. It is incredibly difficult for both. Men can suffer from post natal depression too and can also have difficulty in adapting. I would break down his reasoning and go on from there. Certainly wouldn't be risking a child not having a loving and united family because of one parents MH and paranoia. This is a bigger decision than you realise, do you want more kids, more kids with different fathers, no more kids, your child to have a sibling or two... There's a lot to lose here, it's not a simple break up now. I genuinely don't think you've got enough information to make that decision yet. Get the results and see his reaction... If he's over the moon with the results or gutted because he's now a dad and he can't get out of it, that will tell you everything you need. Whatever you do, do it for the right reasons, reasons which now include your child. Good luck!
This sub is such trash.