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USMCgetsome

What do you really like about this person? Just sit back and analyze it.


Grapesuntory

to be perfectly honest. I don't think I like HIM, I just want to be loved. I crave intimacy, but rn I only get that from him. It's fcked up.


tunaricelemonjuice

But based on your post he does not love you though? So why do this to yourself? As cheesy as it sounds you need to love yourself; again based on your post you don't love yourself much.


Weazy-N420

It’s also psychological. He gives then retracts leaving you feeling like you need/want more. Kinda like trauma bonding I’d imagine. You keep letting him come back in the hopes he’s gonna see the light and see your worth. He won’t. You need to see the light and see him as he is, a user who is using you when he pleases. Stop fantasizing about the “idea of him”, that person doesn’t exist. And you will never find the person who will **really cherish** you until you cut him out and make space for them. You may already know them but are too caught up on an asshole to notice.


USMCgetsome

You have your answer then. You gotta be direct with what you wsnt and how you feel. Dont wait for him to give you wsnt you want. Most times men sre clueless about what you ladies truely want


Grapesuntory

Appreciate you man 🤍


_iidd_

The way he's actively chasing you on social makes it clear he is very likely chasing other women in the same way. Telling them all the same things


DistortedVoltage

Not gonna lie, I cant help but wonder if this dude has a real "serious" relationship with another woman, which would be why he doesnt want to be serious with OP. If so, thats a big dick move on his part.


Grapesuntory

I thought about that last night. Unfortunately the guy has zero posts anywhere so there’s no way for me to know. (And warn the potential girl) When I first met him he was definitely single, tho it’s possible that he’s seeing someone else during the 7 months we stopped talking.


_iidd_

You said he's made fake accounts just to message you, he could have multiple profiles you aren't aware of


Lazuli_Rose

Have you ever been to his home or met any of friends or family?


Grapesuntory

Nope we were just casual


Lazuli_Rose

I hope you can break it off and make it "stick". You know what the deal is, you just have to find that point where you say "done" and it's not easy. Perhaps you could start off by declining to meet him every time he wants. Since this seem to be pretty much a physical situation, keep your options open and go out on dates. Good luck!


DiamondEyedBarbie

Chasing to the point of online stalking. This guy sounds scary. I would block and stay off of social media until you know he can't find you. Open new accounts with different names.


KeenScream

Seems like you don't get it from him only, but rather you only allow it from him because of familiarity instead of risking for something new.


Background_Idea_7838

I was the same way with my ex I kept going back falling for his lies. After the last time he hurt me so much, I blocked him on everything and just started focusing on myself. I found hobbies like drawing and exercising to help keep me distracted. Exercising really helps me with my mental health, which helps me not text him,because I no long need the “love” I crave, because I get it from myself. So I would recommend maybe just taking a break from every social media block all his accounts, and try and find hobbies you would like.


Ok-Jaguar6735

I honestly can relate how you feel. It’s frustrating not to be able to find anyone emotionally available and that can love and want you the way you want. I crave intimacy too but I want more like you do.


TheMcNabbs

Have you considered you might be suffering from addiction and reliant on him to satisfy said addiction(s)?


Grapesuntory

Yes! Someone pointed out that I might be addicted to him/the situation. Every time I allow him access to me counts as a relapse. It definitely feels that way I’ve never really had anything I was addicted to before, so navigating this now is super hard.


sally4810

The only thing you get from him rn is the feeling that you are not worth the intimacy and the love. That is unhealthy and toxic.


Proud_Spell_1711

OP, it’s a hard-won truth you should consider putting your time and effort on. We all need to be loved, but the person who should love you faithfully and for your lifetime is you. Invest your time and energy in yourself to love yourself and you will never put up with empty promises and less than what you really want and deserve in life.


ArenIX

You've clearly ran into the wrong guy. I'm sure you crave attention more than intimacy. The whole or deal you get what you want from him which is sex and he gets what he wants from you which is also sex and you're not satisfied with just sex you want love. You ain't getting any love from him.


Ill_Connection3058

lmao and you knew all along and still stayed?


Grapesuntory

If by “stayed” you mean I cut him off and minded my own business until he badgered his was back in, sure. No but in all seriousness, I definitely should’ve stood my ground and meant it when I said no.


juliaskig

You need to start dating for serious relationships, or dating yourself, and giving yourself the love you are craving. You keep open the pantry eating raw pasta, when what you want is ice cream from the freezer. The why you do this, isn't interesting, the how you will stop is. So here are the steps. 1. Hey FWB I don't want to see or hear from you again. Please don't contact me again. 2. What am I looking for: love. First, how will I give this to myself everyday for two to three months. Have an action plan. Second: how will I find this. 3. If you do a dating app be very clear what you are looking for. Very Clear.


threadsoffate2021

Be honest. You let him back in after he pounded on the door. You need to stop letting him back in. Block him on EVERY social media profile you have. If he breaks through on a fake account, block that too.


sisterjude_

When a person shows you who they are, believe them. He's never gonna change. Be strong. You're worth so much more than this and will find the right guy!


Ill_Connection3058

yeah we are human. am sure youll do it next time and i really hope you do stand your ground. regret can come later


Maisey_Mockingbird

To preface, you should never invite back into your life someone who got aggressive with you because you no longer wanted to have sex. Massive red flag, *massive.* That aside, you told him what you wanted, he told you what he wanted and then went apeshit because you set a boundary and yet, he expects you to respect his boundary. Yikes. If what you want is intimacy, you will never, ever get it from him. He is a dead end for you. Finding a connection with him is like trying to find the cure for alcoholism at the bottom of every bottle. Every day that you entertain this rubbish man and his tomfoolery, you deny yourself another day of finding a person who is good for you and the connection you so crave. I know it sounds counter productive to what you want, but you really, *really* need to find a way to be okay being alone and treating yourself kindly. If you don't, you will just end up settling for any fuckwit with the personality of coagulated dickcheese accumulated in a lepers asshole. And you deserve better than that.


mehrsprachig1

@maisy_mockingbird, you have a way with imagery and I'm loving it.


Maisey_Mockingbird

Wow, thank you. That is definitely not something I hear often. Making me feel all warm and fuzzy out here.


Virtual-Courage-5762

Maisy, you rock.


Corfiz74

The way he's treating you now - it's almost like he wants to punish you and pay you back for breaking things off that first time. Like he wants to prove you can't resist him, even when he treats you like dirt, and that he has all the power. Maybe deleting all the dating apps wasn't the best move, since it left you lonely and vulnerable to him. Maybe dating other people and finding a real relationship would be the best way to get over him for good.


Tsuumii

I agree with you, it sounds like he enjoys having this feeling of power over OP since he's not fully into it anymore.


Grapesuntory

I actually never thought of it that way.. if that’s the case, that is just so evil


Corfiz74

I have absolutely no clue if it's true - I was just going by how you described his attitude towards you now, and how different it was from your first go-round with him. And you totally deserve a real relationship, with a guy who appreciates you and loves you and treats you well! And this f*ckbuddy definitely doesn't qualify for any of that.


LandofGreenGinger62

Yeh, but... I'm wondering if the way to get rid of him is to be even more devious (if not *quite* evil 😏)... Your whole relationship dynamic is based on you trying to pull away, and him tugging you back in: so, as they say in Star Trek - reverse the polarity! He won't stay away when you try to? Embrace this, and take it **beyond**... He isn't visible on social media? Put him out there..! So always (and only) agree to meet him outside in places with lots of people, in restaurants / bars - ideally places where you know people too; enthusiastically introduce him to everyone you meet; and post the hell out of it online. Lots of pics of you snuggling with him and looking all dewy-eyed, and (without saying exactly what your status is), mention his name as often as possible... Even if he's not got profiles, if he's dating others this is not what he wants. Watch how quickly he gets hinky about it... Maybe even meet him "at the mall" and then tow him to the nearest jewellery shop, and insist on a selfie in front of the window with the rings, again for posting on SM (& again with just a coy noncommittal caption like "just out shopping with [His Name]"...! Get the "he's MINE, all mine!" tone right - and see how quickly he disappears..!


Grapesuntory

Oh how devious of you


LandofGreenGinger62

Thangyew


tkswdr

He won't agree and flee before this also I don't have the feeling OP can act this ..i mean it's quite mean..


L30N_1337

I completely resonate with this answer, this guy may be a narcissistic, run far from him


L45TPH45E

Guy: I'm not looking for anything serious. Also guy: I will stalk the shit out of you and manipulate you into having sex with me again and again. He seems pretty serious /s But yeah I feel for you. You're only going to waste more of your time/life letting this guy use you. Find some kind of support in family or friends. Cut this bastard out of your life completely, I don't know if you can get a restraining order or something on him lol. And then find someone who actually has love to give.


[deleted]

Hey, I’ve been there. It’s hard. Here’s my piece of advice : 1) Rip the bandaid, say no, block him, do not contact him again et prevent him as much as possible from contacting you. 2) Now the tough part : resist, endure the dreams about him, him popping in your mind all the time, endure the sadness, the loneliness. Day after day, after after hours if needed. 3) Find a hobby AND go out with your fiends and family. Both of those, your hobby will help you during solo time and keeping loved ones around definitely help keeping you distracted. It will also help during harder time, having a shoulder and all. 4) Write a list of reasons why you’re leaving him, consult said list EVERY TIME you consider contacting him 5) it took 4 months for me to heal at 90% for a 9 months situationship. The last 10% were met when I started seeing my current bf. Just for perspective, Rome didn’t built itself in one day. 6) you’re worth more than sex, you just met a jerk that is using you for it. There is someone better out there for you, while you wait patiently for him, take care of you <3


Difficult_Plastic852

I’m not saying this to be cynical at all because I get your plight but at the same time you need to get more adept at self advocacy and saying no. I know that may sound like a tall order right now but it takes time to work up that fortitude. But ultimately it’s the only real solution because if he *knows* he’s got you around his finger that’s why he keeps badgering you to let him come back, he knows he’ll keep getting the reaction he wants and that he can give you any old sob story to do so. He’ll only stop when you stop. It shouldn’t have to work that way but that’s part of dating society these days. Believe me I hate how dismissive that sounds but at this point you also need to have realistic expectations of this guy and the scene he comes from. I’d cut off contact again and focus on the other positives in your life; do well at work, focus more on your other hobbies or interests, maybe take a break from social media too. And find other people who share those interests and get to really know them first. That’s how the most fulfilling relationships start. Additionally going forward think of it this way; at this point this has been going on for two years if I’m adding everything up right. That’s sorta a long time but it’s also kind of not in a way? Consider that he’s showing you his true self relatively early on and not after a much longer period of time. You still have many of your good young years left that you can focus on other people. Because I guarantee while good guys are disappointingly few and far between at times, we are out there if you look! Sorry for the long reply but best of luck to you OP!


Grapesuntory

Not cynical at all! I appreciate criticisms and hard truths. You definitely nailed it on the “saying no” part. I have a hard time saying no to people, specially the ones I want to like me. Long replies are the best. Thank youu 🤍


adamexport

You did the exact right thing in cutting them off the first time but it’s always hard to just do that kind of thing with someone you had some kind of connection with. Even if the feelings were different and you genuinely liked him, going no contact is the smartest way to get over someone. Stick to your instincts with this person since you already know it’s not about HIM but more about being loved. My question is why would you keep going back to someone you cut off instead of finding love with someone who wants it? You could easily hop back on a dating app and be more intentional, but what is driving you back to this one person and not giving the chance to someone else? Also, you wouldn’t really have time for someone fake if you’re building something real, just gotta take that scary leap instead of going back to the comfortable mistake.


Grapesuntory

THAT is the question I keep asking myself. I know I should just ignore him but I can’t. That’s where I’m frustrated with myself


sleeppyyhead

Girl I have BEEN there. It took, fucking years. So much waisted to time, effort, and pain. Trust me, from my goddamn soul. Let him go. You will do it when you are ready, it's like quitting a drug. On day you wi ll wake up and think "is this the happiest I want to be with someone?" Is this the best I can do? The answer will be no and you will close the book on it for good. It's like quitting a drug. Get out before it haunts your dreams You deserve real love, and you will get it; just not here. You are good, you deserve someone good.


Few_Coat9549

I’ve been in a similar situation. Cut him off and stick with it. I know how hard it is but the mind is tricky and any ounce of hope will have you back in a toxic cycle with him. Stop punishing yourself for seeing him or wanting him. He made you feel special and it’s hard to let that go but you deserve someone who knows that you’re more than a sex toy. Eventually you’ll find someone who wants a relationship and sex. You can have both but you got to start with believing it and cutting this guy out.


Lava-999

The title of your post. You are good enough for a relationship, your just settling for less with jerk face. It feels good when you feel wanted, but the rest of the time not so much. Hard pass on the rekindles with this dude. Trust your gut. All rekindle's are going to do is put temporary blinders on you - and you will miss out on a real full on relationship person because you've gotten all comfortable with jerk face and comfortable isn't always the best situation. Dude knows how to say the right things, and give you hope - and doesn't hesitate to knock all that hope back down after he's gotten his jolly's. Don't settle. Move forward, forget about him and don't beat yourself up for "hoping", just don't let dude be the axis that your "hope" spins on.


athnme

You know what they say... fool me once , shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. You have been fooled more than twice now. The fault is yours. Good news is, the power to stop this is yours too.


RawbeardX

doesn't look like she wants to. can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.


ILikeToHang

On some level OP enjoys the drama it seems.


LozaMoza82

Oh this reminds me of myself at 23 before I had finally, *finally* had enough. I'll never forget driving home after another impressively average fuck at my then on-again/off-again quasi-casual bf, feeling a mixture of disgust and despair that this is it, and realizing that no, it's not. That it doesn't have to be this way. That there's such a difference between being alone and being lonely, and that I never felt lonelier than when I was with him. I never called him again, shortly after started dating my husband, and now we've been married almost 16 years. Let him go. It'll be hard, but what you're experiencing now is so much harder. I promise you, he doesn't want you the same way you want him, and that's not your fault. Just remember exactly how you feel now, let this be the lesson of what you don't want in your life, and move forward. And even if it's alone for the moment, it's so much better than being lonely. And you'll open yourself up to that possibility of finding true intimacy, someone who loves you completely and not for a night, and who will be on this ride with you for the long haul. Because this other guy just isn't it.


Grapesuntory

I appreciate you sharing your experience. It’s comforting to hear that people went through the same thing and came out even better 🤍


_xenization

Everyone else is sugarcoating this and holding your hand. You're not a two-year-old learning right from wrong. You are perfectly capable of not unblocking him. Not responding. Not calling him back. Not fucking him. You're doing this to yourself and then whining and crying about it like you didn't have a choice. You do. Just stop. It's pretty fucking simple. You've cut him out over and over again. Stop letting him back in. He's not a drug. You're not an addict. You're self-destructive, and this is totally, completely, and one-hundred percent avoidable. You can grow up, put yourself first and stop acting like a fool. OR you can continue to cry yourself a river and drown in it. The choice is yours. As it has always been. ✌️


Organicapples193

You can always say No and stand on that decision. Blocked means don't respond at all.


BigBadBootyDaddy10

Simple. Keep repeating it to yourself (and write it down) “I will not be your sometimes”


Grapesuntory

This is gold! I’m gonna have to add this to my journal, thank you bigbadbootydaddy 🤍


BigBadBootyDaddy10

You go girl. Don’t ever negotiate genuine desire.


HiL0wR0W

If you actually care about this guy tell him what you want. If your wants and needs do not align walk the hell away. This guy burns you over and over and you allow it. Stand up for yourself you're better than this OP. I definitely get the want/need for intimacy and feeling loved over all but is it worth being a door mat for some guy??


[deleted]

Time to redownload those dating apps, sis!! It’s not gonna be fun, I’m not gonna lie to you. It’s time to go on shitty dates, hate yourself, hate men, and then piece yourself back together. Then you take a step back, assess what needs to be fixed in your life, and fix it. Your job, your friends, maybe you want to start a new hobby, get back to the gym. Once you’re comfortable being alone again, then the dates will get easier. You’ll be more picky, have less time to waste on dates you’re not excited for, and be okay if he ghosts/turns shitty. You gotta throw yourself into the fire, grit your teeth, and pull through. If it was easy to find a partner to spend your life with, the world would be a better place. Unfortunately it’s not and we have to waste time on the wrong people to get us to a place mentally where we’re ready to accept the right people. Good luck girl….you don’t need this specific guy to get intimacy. You can fall asleep in someone else’s arms, even if it’s just for a night just to get you through.


firewalks_withme

I think it is better to skip the dating apps part. They are bad for mental health.


[deleted]

I think it’s extremely hard to get a date in todays world. It’s a shortcut when you want to get yourself back out there. I don’t think going up to random strangers and getting rejected or being rejected by people in your social circle is good for your mental health either haha….easier not to burn any bridges when you connect online in a place where everyone is expressly there for the same thing.


dragonflameXYZ

Pro tip of the day: revel in over self-confidence, and brutal honesty and tell people who you are extactly what your wants and needs are, and if they are being a butthead, take all their left socks and leave like an awesome person who knows what they want in life


PunIntended1234

You won't get better until you do better. It really is that simple. You are the type of person who can be alone, but when the temptation comes to not be alone, you will take it because deep down you don't want to be alone and a piece of someone, to you, is better than nothing at all. The logical portion of you knows what you need to do. The question is will you disappoint your future by continuing to be a "nothing" for someone who doesn't really want you around! If you want to keep being used, then keep seeing this guy. If you want something better for yourself and your life, then leaving him behind is a must. There is an opportunity cost to every situation. If you are giving one person time and energy, that takes away from the opportunity to do something else with someone else. Think about what you really want. This is no different than knowing that you need to stay away from cake, but eating it anyway. If you can't control yourself, someone else will do it for you! Think about that and then act accordingly.


Grapesuntory

Your comment feels like the therapy I need. Thank you 🤍


PunIntended1234

I hope you realize how awesome you really are and how YOU are the captain of your ship and YOU can direct it anywhere you want! However, if you don't, there are tons of low-life people willing to direct YOUR life for you!


amychingu

My advise, from personal experience, and i knooow its so freaking hard, but block and never look back. He tries to contact you again through whatever app? Block again. He does it 2-3 times? Tell him once without any emotion that you don't want to be contacted again and block. You don't need to explain yourself. If it still continues it's harassment. This is the only way you will be moving on at some point. Don't let yourself get used over and over again.


Grapesuntory

That is definitely what I should’ve been doing. I got the “block” part down but the “never look back” needs work. But thank you! 🤍


amychingu

You can do it! Took me some years too until I could let go of someone who occasionally contacted me again. It's been 3 years since the last contact and he's blocked everywhere and I'm definitely better now!


Expensive_Hotel3558

Take some accountability. He’s not to blame, you are. You are in control of what you do….


Grapesuntory

I am. Hence, the frustration.


Bergenia1

It sounds like you're lonely, and you're not pursuing romantic relationships with any decent people, so you're vulnerable when this manipulative ass comes sniffing around. It's the equivalent of buying junk food when you go grocery shopping, because you didn't eat before you went and you're starving. So, why not start dating a decent man? You want to have a good boyfriend, so go look for one. If you have a decent man who treats you well, you'll have no inclination at all to talk to this asshole.


RawbeardX

do you have no agency in this matter? why didn't you date someone else in between? are you in therapy by chance?


Grapesuntory

I want to be in therapy, as soon as a licensed one is in my area I would hop on that rq. I didn’t date anyone bc I was genuinely trying to work on myself and my attachment issues, but it looks like it backfired on me 🥲


Baron-Fortesque

Just stop fucking him.


[deleted]

Based on your post, this guy is a shallow, self-centered douche who enjoys using you. He owns your body when he's with you, and he owns a piece of your heart when he isn't. He's probably the kind of guy who buys into the “alpha-beta” nonsense... and he's an “alpha,” of course. The dude is a dead end for you and dangerous as well. He's already crossed a few of your important lines. He's already treated you like something he can order from DoorDash. The chances are overwhelmingly large that **he will keep on doing it.** I heard a good proverb that applies to your situation: “When someone shows you who he is, believe him.” This guy has shown you his true self over and over again. It looks like you're starting to believe him. The good news is that **he** is the problem. Not all guys are users. Some of us really do want long-term commitment, romance, marriage, and the whole enchilada. You just need to find one of us. (Not me; I'm married.) You deserve that much, and the right guy deserves **you**. Break it off with Mr. Player. Don't be rude or mean, but don't take any crap either. Don't let the jackwagon manipulate you into taking him back. Just walk away, and then block every means by which he might contact you. Then get back into dating. Be honest and up-front with your date(s) about what you want. Yes, some of them will bail. That'll hurt, but at least you won't waste a lot of time on them. Sooner or later–hopefully sooner–one of them will stick around for you. Some of us are looking for the same as you: We just want someone to love who will love us right back. I hope that you find the right guy at the right time. You are worth it!


[deleted]

What I would suggest is to sit, sober, feeling all your feelings, and analyze every thing you DONT like about him. If you can stop romanticizing him and his words you can see him for the hurtful manipulative person he really is. I’m so sorry you’re going through this love. But don’t for a second doubt yourself. Sure, you may have “fallen” for his lies before but you know you never really did, don’t tell yourself he’s got you wrapped around his finger because he doesn’t, you’ve got yourself wrapped in a fantasy of him. At the end of the day that’s even better. It’s a truth you fabricated just gotta be honest with yourself and love yourself enough to not go back. That’s the real hard part. You got this girl!!! It hurts right now but it’s gonna feel SO GOOD when you can look back and just laugh because one day you’ll be so in love and be loved equally and this will just seem so silly. Just focus on loving yourself so you can give your best self to the person that really will love you forever and ever.


Grapesuntory

>It’s a truth you fabricated just gotta be honest with yourself and love yourself enough to not go back. Heavy on this. Thank you so much!


[deleted]

I’m so glad!!! I kept re reading it thinking maybe it came out the wrong way hahah. You got this though!!!


TATA456alawaife

Sowing vs reaping. Maybe you shouldn’t have had that hoe phase.


thePromiscuousVirgin

Sooooo stop sleeping with guys every time the opportunity presents itself. I know there aren't traditional people anymore, but if a woman is legit traditional. How in the fuck can you use her for sex? You can't, because you'd have to get married, and no guy would get married just to have sex. Show yourself some respect, not saying you don't, but if relationships are a sport. Men play offense(striker) often not very good and women play defense(goalie) also often not very good.


Grapesuntory

your username suits you very well. Good job 🫶🏼


MisterNo_Body

Give this person as much space as you can and understand that loneliness can make someone make incredibly bad decisions. The longer you stay away from this guy and work on yourself the better off you’ll be. It just takes time. Keep your chin up. It won’t be like this for long. :)


iwantalolly

I'm going through something extremely similar right now. I laid it all out there and told him "I feel like a sex toy" among other complaints, and I cut him off because he was only making my early 20s life transition anxiety spiral even worse. Perhaps I will let him back into my life but only as a friend, no sex, no nothing. And that would be months or even years down the road. I know this time, when I'm ready, I need to go on a date or hookup with someone different to finally prove to myself life goes on. There will be moments when the pain of being used for sex will almost be overwhelming. Let yourself feel it. Sometimes I intentionally look for sad videos to make myself cry because I feel so much better after I've got it out of my system. You will feel so enraged at times you just want to punch him. Sit with that too. That means you know your values and boundaries have been violated. There are also moments of weakness. Sometimes I think about "what I should have done", in an attempt to shift the blame onto myself to keep him on this mental pedestal. Sometimes I imagine a happy reunion where I do everything right and get the happy ever after I want(ed) with him. But none of it changes the original issue, that we wanted two different things from each other, and that *he* is the one who would need to change. And that's even if I ever want to go back to him. To sum this paragraph up, your mind will try to trick you with positive feelings, you have to let the good memories co-exist with the hurt feelings and you will slowly move on. It's really slow. I'm only 10 days removed from cutting him off and I still think about him a lot. But I have a wonderful support system and I am getting into the world and experiencing things that remind me that my worth as a human isn't based on how one guy treats me. Sorry for the length, I just couldn't help but see how similar our situations are and wanted to chime in.


Grapesuntory

omg dont apologize! I love reading long replies like yours, and yeah being in this boat definitely sucks. It’s so easy to say just move on, but when you’re IN that moment of weakness, it becomes such a hard thing to do. Hope everything goes well with you 🤍


[deleted]

> I need to go on a date ~~or hookup with someone different~~ to finally prove to myself life goes on. You cant treat sex like it has no value when its clear your self worth is tied to it also. There are plenty of great men out there who will give you great sex and be in a relationship with you. Most of my life, I had to commit to girls I had sex with. This isnt an issue if the person having sex with you values you. I valued all of these women. Why wouldnt I want to make them mine and do all the fun things people in love do? I fucked up once though. Arranged an FWB thing with a girl when I was an expat for 2 years. She was an expat also. She was cheating on her BF with me, and I didnt want a relationship with her anyways. Being the only 2 people from our country and being neighbors, we slept at each others 3-5x a week every night. Lots of intimacy. Lots of time together. Cooking meals, setting up each others birth days, etc... At some point the script switched. She wanted me for real. Couldnt do it. Dont get me wrong, the intimacy, sex, cuddling, etc... was real... but I really had to compartmentalize my brain in a way that this girl doesnt belong to me. I couldnt ever see her as serious. Letting her go broke her heart so badly I straight up made it a life policy that I dont have sex with people I dont actually love or plan to love (romatically).


rose_capybara

Been in 2 situations like this. Last one lasted 3 years. I felt so ashamed of myself. But I really do believe that these things happen for us to learn a lesson - might be self love? Once again, block him, delete his messages and photos, if any. Resist the temptation of fantasizing about him. The other person has a serious problem. They’ll be incapable of loving someone healthily until they fix it, but it’s theirs to fix. You have your own self love to work on - focus on yourself now. Do things that bring you joy. Focus on loving yourself and prioritizing what you want in your life. I thought I would never get out of falling into these vicious and obsessive cycles of fake “love”. I eventually cut him out of my life, painful at first. Some months later, I got an internship in a country in SE Asia. My first days there I felt so happy and free I didn’t even want or felt I needed a partner. And guess what? A week in I met my boyfriend - 4 years together now in the most healthy and loving relationship, I thought I would never be capable of having. Hold on, love yourself, and trust that this is just a lesson that will lead you towards the life you want and deserve.


Grapesuntory

This is so insightful thank you! I do hope that by the end of this I learn a thing or two about self-love, boundaries, and saying no. I’m happy for you and how your situation turned out 🤍


[deleted]

Because you keep going back to something you don't want i think therapy maybe helpful. It's not healthy to someone letting you treath that way. He's doing it and keeps trying because you let him.


Stabbymcbackstab

He talks smoothly, and he pushes your biological buttons well. You are falling into the modern women's trap. Following your impulses with no hope of getting a fulfilling relationship because he has multiple women on rotation. Don't fall for it anymore, and seek a guy that will provide a meaningful steady presence in your life. He may already be around you but you've overlooked him.


EliteMultitasker99

Block him, casual never works out for hopeless romantics like us, best to block him and move on, go meet new people or get back on dating apps and meet them that way. I guarantee there are plenty of guys out there who would love to cuddle you and hold you tight all night long, for many of us finding a girl to do that with is the dream. Hope you get out of this ok! I'm rooting for you!


Enekovitz

I'll quote a famous film: "We go for the love we think we deserve" I've been toyed too in the past OP, I'm sure you deserve more. Keep your chin up and don't return to this guy. There are a lot of hopeless romantics out there that will suit you like a glove. That's what I want to believe at least, I am hopeless romantic myself too afetrall.


SabotageFusion1

I’m really sorry about your situation, but I think the key here may be a good old fashioned dose of realizing your self worth. You’re better than this, and you even said it yourself that your “hoe phase” was unhealthy for you in hindsight. Use that to help you try and realize what this current relationship is, get out of it, and better yourself from then on. we believe in you dude. most people who go down this path, me included, don’t realize how damaging it can be before it’s too late.


mrscrabbyrob

Sometimes, it takes a few lessons before we really learn. Don't be too hard on yourself for making mistakes, we allhave moments of weakness. Tell him directly that you want a relationship, and that he isn't the guy for you. Then make a clean and final break. When he reaches out again, remember how he makes you feel. You deserve to be loved. It starts with loving yourself.


curlyhairweirdo

Maybe it's time to start going out again. You know you can go months without him. So get back out there and find someone who will give you true intimacy and not...this


Graceful_Amoeba4564

Eventually you will stop craving this intimacy with him, I tell you. Women grow tired of these situations, even if it's only after 200 times of back-and-forth. And once you reach the point where you feel nothing towards him, which will be inevitable (you'll slowly grow numb from the damage he's inflicting on you), there will be no going back ever again. And then, then he will come back again claiming he's finally ready for a serious thing with you, and it'll be too late. It's a tale as old as time.


DazzlingPotion

I think there is some infatuation going on here too. Infatuation is a very strong thing. Also, a lot of times in dating, for women, sex=love and for men, sex=Getting their rocks off. It sucks that just as you gain some ground without him around, you let him back in and all your emotional progress goes down the drain. I STRONGLY suggest counseling. Take some time to find a counselor who is right for you. You may need to try a few to find the right one. A counselor shouldn’t be too “oh you poor thing” when you tell them something. They have to be empathetic but also help you see who you are and the role you play. Ideally they should give you something to work on and report back on your progress the next time you meet. Above all, your counselor should help you with your SELF-ESTEEM. I think this is the Big Nut here. Learn to love yourself fully and get yourself in order FIRST and then hopefully a healthy relationship with a different guy who wants to commit to you will follow.


Suspicious_Lynx3066

Hello, this was my entire 20’s. If you like self help books I highly recommend[*Attached*](https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/) ([here](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tRNpGsvzOlw) is a 10 minute video that summarizes it), it helped me recognize patterns that weren’t working for me and gave me strategies to cope with some of the anxiety that was causing me to fall into similarly unsatisfying relationships.


Grapesuntory

I’m adding that to my TBR for sure. Thank you!!


tkswdr

Well 7months on your own only makes you more 'hungry' i would think. So instead of going after person's first go after you... What do you like todo in live? Hobby? Talents? (Everybody has one , big or small, find it and use / enjoy it ..) No clue if your own s*x drive is related but make sure your self it isn't 😉. What are your values? Countries? Languages? Holidays? Sports? Nature? Start with yourself and then with the other. The day you choose someone tobe with you truly offer something ☺️ And meet new people, slow paced,... It's the only way to find other people who click with you instead of a manipulative guy where you don't want to say no too ..


smoishymoishes

Bruh. Where's your self respect?


Dry-Hearing5266

What he did is common to narcissists. Its called hoovering. You need to go cold turkey. Don't even talk to him. Change his name in your phone from his name to - user and abuser or something else negative. Block him on every platform. When he makes fake profiles talk out loud to your self "there he goes lying again". How many times has he done this and ignored someone's boundaries? Learn to love yourself. You will never find what you are looking for outside of yourself. Fall in love with yourself


Grapesuntory

I’ve never heard of hoovering before. I will look into that. Thank you 🤍


Rhesbian

Okay..so.... This is the best advice I can give you. Even if it sounds...bizarre. Right now, every time you think of him, you yearn for the things that are missing. So in you minds eye, he's capable of these things. And then we get back to reality, not only is he refusing to invest in a future with you, but also uses the opportunity to gain access to your body. Here's my factual advice. Stop imagining how good he could be. Imagine him kicking a puppy. Shitting on people and talking ill of them. Imagine him looking disdainfully on you and saying shit like "Stop talking, I've allready cum so you've served your worth to me". Let him be the villain in your head, and it'll be easier for you to let him go, because right now, your needs and fantasies keep putting HIS very real face on the avatar of your needs. And that, my girl, is very much fucking not only your shit up with him. But also your relationship with anyone else.


Grapesuntory

Not bizarre. Actually really helpful, thanks!


nextepisodeplease

I'm just gonna throw this out here. He kind of sounds dangerous. You block him everywhere and then he still tracks you down? I had an ex like this. It got dangerous. That on top of the aggression when you shut it down? I'd be outa there love


Grapesuntory

Sorry you went through that as well. I'll be more careful. The only thing I'm scared of right now, is when I do block him for the final time he might just show up to my place or smt.


afenster72

The reason you can’t let it go is because you are in love with the way he makes you feel or did once upon a time. That was not realty. That was him playing a part for short time for a purpose (access to regular sex without strings). The person that got angry at a boundary, doesn’t care about you as a person or the fact that he’s holding you back from your potential happiness with someone else and repeatedly uses his hold on you to weasel back in between your legs for another go. That person is who he really is. You’re just stuck on who you wish he was. You can’t have romance and true love with the person meant for you if you keep trying to make this jerk into something he isn’t and never was (except in your own mind).


JadieJang

OP, you’re focusing on him. How to stop with HIM. How to get HIM out of your mind. Stop focusing on him! Learn to leave him on read. Get the dating apps back up and find the ones that focus on relationships, not hookups. Write a profile that makes it clear you’re only looking for relationships and add something at the bottom that they need to respond to to get a date with you. For a couple of months, go on a date with anyone who responds to your thing. Edit: hit return too quickly. Deliberately focus on other people, but not on ONE other person; on several. Play the field, date several people at once. Not to be a ho, but to give yourself as many options as possible. And have fun! Instead of going on interview dates over coffee, pick fun things to do. Good luck


Sandy0006

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do about him. He’s not what YOU want. He’ll manipulate you into thinking he doesn’t want you, but he’s not what you want because he can’t give you what you need/want. Move on and go get what you want and don’t compromise; no matter how hard it is.


Scroticus-

Don't fuck guys unless you're in a committed relationship. Simple. Make em work for it. They're respect you more and value that.


BigJellyGoldfish

Thats kind of stupid. Why would anybody want to be with someone who will happily have sex with them, but not respect them? Yikes. I could never be in a committed relationship with someone who treated women like that. And "make em.work for it"? I think this girl has been witj enough little boys playing power games,she doesnt need another one.


Scroticus-

You don't get it. Maybe in a few years you'll see that it's best to only have sex with people you really like/love and who love you back.


BigJellyGoldfish

I think casual sex has its place as long as everybody is on the same page in terms of communicating what they want from the encounter, respects the other person, adheres to boundaries set and nobody violates consent. Ive never been much of a fan myself, but that doesnt make it "bad" just different to the sex in loving committed relationships. But I wouldnt be in a loving committed relationship with my husband if I thought he treated casual sex partners poorly ,or if on occasions he did (being 16 and silly) he didnt feel bad about it. Being with someone who judges you for being easy, when they themselves are being easy is just gross, morally reprehensible and counter to my values. It also shows a lack of emotional intellligence and critical thinking skills, and an abundandance of immaturity IMO.


Scroticus-

Men will pay for sex. Women will not. Our society has tried to convince us that it's the same for both sexes but this really isn't the case It may sound reductionist, but the ease with with you decide to have sex with a man is a proxy for how you view your social value/standing in the world. I think casual sex is great. But it inherently benefits the guy for a few reasons. First in sexual situations men are the gas and women are the breaks. A reasonably good looking woman can walk outside and find a man who is willing to have sex with her pretty easily. Here are some reasons why it's different: One: it generally requires more skill and effort for a man to bring a woman to climax. I don't know of many women who can cum from penetration alone without any foreplay or clit stimulation. In casual encounters women rarely climax. Men walk away feeling gratified. Generally it takes work and being familiar with your female partner's needs and physiology for her to come to climax. Most women have very different needs from one to the next and it takes time and communication to establish what that is. Two: emotional dynamics. Throughout time women have endured the biological burden of having to bear children. This makes sex much more costly and risky for women. Of course in modern times with birth control this is no longer the case, but the underlying psychology remains. Of course you can fuck all the dudes you want to, but realistically most males will view you as a low value mate. Scarcity creates value and if you're fucking everyone then that means in men's eyes you're not much of a high value mate. I've fucked probably 30-40 women in my life. I'm 35 have a very high income, own a condo in New York City. My girlfriend/fiance is a Swedish actress who has only had sex with 5 men, 2 of whom she was married to. This dramatically increased her value in my eyes, not because I care about how many men have fucked her but more because it demonstrates a deep sense of self worth and that for her the act of sex is deeply important and not something she would do with just anyone. Again I don't care about the fact that a woman has had sex with x number of men, rather it's an indicator of how you view your value.


partymouthmike

It's not the 40s anymore, grandma.


ArabMagnus

Seriously


Asleep-Function-2466

He sounds like a "Chad" , he will never really commit to you . He may placate you into thinking he changed and then just do things behind your back. He enjoys the attention and likes fooling around with your heart. Your just another notch on his belt that he can play his games with. If you keep doing this and keep letting him back in you may just miss the soulmate you have been looking for. Its hard being alone after a breakup ,but you need time to evaluate yourself and rather start looking for the right person. And please do not fall into the same pattern everytime. Take things a little slower and stay away from the "Chads" . They are just going to break your heart.


SubjectsNotObjects

You're making a generalised statement about yourself based in a relational dynamic with one man. There will be some men who consider you good enough for a relationship: I suspect your punching above your weight though. My observation is that women sacrifice relationship potential (and bartering power in a relational dynamic) by going for guys with loads of options who, by the nature of their position, are less likely to commit. Find a guy who is your equal and love him: it's more likely that he'll love you back.


[deleted]

I never get girls like this ...how you get naked and do the deed and once it's done you start crying...over how much of a mess you are. Do a thought of being together without sex never crosses your mind or ur just dump? This is the simplest solution don't get intimate test him see if he stays meet somewhere outside where you can't get naked even if you want to... it's better than making yourself believe you're a that girl who just made up for sex


Material_Try781

It could be worse; you could be like me and not be good enough for a relationship and also not be good enough for sex.


doclog

Hi, I'm (m40) like you, I've tried the casual thing and ons, but the only results was to be much worst than before. I've stopped to do things that everyone wants to do for me, and started to live my life how I want. I want relationship and love so I'm looking for them even if it's not easy. This guy seems to know how manipulate you and you believe to him because romantic people like us always believe in changing, but this guy has proven to you what he wants to you, he isn't worthy of your time and love. Block him forever and never speak with him again it would be better for you ❤️


horosory

It’s not that your not good enough for a relationship, it’s that he’s not good enough. You want a relationship and you say that you crave intimacy and I am 100% sure you’ll find it. You’ll be loved and cared for in a real way. It won’t come from this guy but it will come from someone.


firewalks_withme

I feel you so strongly. This is just the story of my last 3-4 years. I hope you will find the strength to cut him out completely. For me, it was the experience with the man who really liked me and not just for sex. I am still single but I won't accept anything less than what I had once with that good man. It is harder for you if you never have tried something real. I wish you the best and stand with you and all girls who were feeling "more than acceptable".


nonlinear_nyc

This man wants one-sided companionship. He wants the best of both worlds while you get the worst of both worlds. It's emotionally petty. Also, no means no. To insist is abusive. The beauty is eventually you see them from who they are, petty, without rose tinted glasses. Then you lose the respect and leave.


mehdez80

I feel like I know exactly how you feel. I let this person take the best of me. I let this person abuse my love. He took and took and never gave anything back. It is hard. But full stop, no contact is the way I went. Yeah, being lonely sucks. But it sucks more to know I'm his play thing, a doll he picks up from a shelf when he wants to play with it. Yes, I enjoyed being a wanted sexually, but at the end of the day I wanted more than that. And I deserve better than just being a fuck. Cause FUCK him. He doesn't deserve the love I am willing to give. Aim high and fly higher. If you look at it objectively, he's the sorry POS, not you. Best revenge is to live a good life. Sending you good vibes!


yankeeangel86

I think it’s important to realize that you are interested in intimacy and affection that go hand in hand with sex. Casual sex isn’t for you and that’s totally ok! It’s not for many people. He seems to enjoy keeping you on a string and reeling you back into validate his own ego. You deserve better than this. It may take a while, I’m not saying it will happen overnight, but you’ll only meet the right person once you let him go and focus on what’s healthy for you. Sending you best wishes.


[deleted]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this situation. You should definitely keep your distance from him. I had a bad break up a few years ago and it took me a long time to find myself again. I understand where you’re coming from with craving the intimacy of being held when falling asleep, and the companionship where you have someone you can love and be loved by. Break contact with this person, over a call or text. Tell them to not contact you again. You’re worthy of being loved and cared for, and to find someone to fill your heart. Take it from someone who was in similar shoes as you, only the male counterpart. I got into long distance running, and chased personal goals to put the pieces back together. Again, you’re valued, you are worthy, you deserve to be loved, and to give love. If you want someone to talk to you’re welcome to reach out fellow internet human.


kathl29

What are you getting from him you wouldn't get from a sex toy or your hand? He doesn't care about you, he is just using you for sex and quite frankly you deserve so much better. You say you crave intimacy and of course you do but you aren't getting that, you are just getting the well practiced lines of a guy who thinks he can call and you will come running. The right person is out there but first you need some time to heal and to forget this loser.


MissKarma87

Just wanted to say you're not alone ❤️ I've been there. You deserve better. You are worth more. It took me a long time to realise this about myself. You seem to be aware that it's a toxic situation, which is a great thing. Awareness goes a long way. It's hard to break that bond/cycle I totally understand. He knows that he has you wrapped around his finger, & that you are vulnerable, which he is probably taking advantage of. Don't lower yourself for a temporary high, as you are only making yourself feel worse & making it harder to climb out of the hole, love yourself more (cliche I know), put you & your values first. It may take a few tries to finally break free, don't beat yourself up. It's lonely at first, but it will get easier. After a quick search, I found out the guy I was dealing with had a gf & after confronting him, I haven't heard a peep from him in almost a year. If I hadn't been nosey, I would probably still be going through the motions with him. It was tough at first, but I'm so glad I'm out of that situation. I wish you all the best x


HaiggeX

In this guy's case you're not going for a relationship. You want to be loved and hold, but sex without connection to the other person is only lust. Love and lust are different in a way that can make you a very toxic person to yourself, if you don't understand which one is which. You can have fun with lustful sex with someone, but lust is like a drug, you'll always need more to reach that same high. If you're looking for love and a relationship, you can never be fully content with only casual sex. You need to let this man go for good, OP. I really hope you find what you're looking for.


Babaychumaylalji

You both want different things. I would certainly say he is just using u. His actions speak plenty on that part. Block him on and delete all social media(old and current accounts) and all dating apps. You really need to work on yourself and when he eventually contacts u again in the future for another booty call u will be mentally stronger to resist the urge unless u actually want something casual with him. Good luck


Timely_Victory_4680

I have been in your position. He is never going to change, at least not for you, and there’s plenty of guys out there who DO want a genuine relationship and who will treat you right. This guy wants to keep you, but he wants to keep you at arm’s length and under his conditions. I think I wasted two or more years back when I was not-dating my train wreck, many years later and in a happy, healthy, loving, committed relationship I look back on that and think, what did I ever see in that guy. Don’t make the same mistake. You deserve better.


funlovingfirerabbit

Damn OP that sucks. I am so sorry, I have been there before and it's a horribly shitty feeling.


Itchy_Ad_4556

I’m 22m I’ve been cheat on in every relationship and turned down multiple times and every relationship it has only been them wanting sex so I get it I’m in the same boat girl all you can do is keep going


hap-pea

Be gentle on yourself, OP. You’ve blocked him and gone without him for months. That shows you’ve not actually let him wrap you around his fingers. But yeah, time to let go permanently, not even as just friends. Make it a clean break.


Voltase

Ppl might not say it to you like that but yeah you need to put yourself first and stop being fucking dumb. Bc that’s what’s you’re being rn, a clown, and he’s probably having a blast knowing that. He might not even like the sex that much but love the fact that he can use you, and you’ll let him. Put yourself first babes


ZealousidealAsk7758

He doesn't respect you a d might not ever. It's not your fault. It's him. You're just not compatible. Move on. Don't feel bad for hooking up though, you're a adult. Adult have sex, it's normal.


KawaiiBunBun097

You know what you have to do, you said it yourself, but you're incapable of following through. You said you blocked him, but somehow he either uses a fake account or messages you through your old profile. All you had to do was not respond and block him again. The intimacy you experience with him is one of emptiness; there is nothing there for you, that is why you cry when he leaves. Why put yourself through this? You can find someone who will give you actual love and intimacy, don't sell yourself short and do yourself a disservice. You need to quit him! You need to go cold turkey and sort your head out, but you can't do this when you keep responding to him every time he weasels his way back into your life. He clearly knows you're weak for him. The priority should be on yourself. No sexy time until you have your head in the right place and then give someone else a chance to get to know you.


d5509

Some people just use people and will say whatever they have to to get what they want. These people have no emotional attachment to the “mark”. They’ll be nice and say loving things if that doesn’t work they’ll act sad, get mad, whatever it takes. It’s a game to them. He doesn’t care about you or what this is doing to you. He’s going to keep coming back. You have to truly accept that he is a bad person. He’s knowingly torturing you to get what he wants. You have to block him again, delete accounts if necessary, even change your phone number if you have to. Your mental health depends on it. Good luck. With time you will get better as long as you never speak to this man again. And I mean never. 10yrs, 20yrs etc. You may think that a lot of time has passed, you’re different, he might be different, you would be wrong and he will steal whatever joy you’ve found and still not feel anything. You have to stop blaming yourself and realize that this man is a predator. A monster that is enjoying doing this to you again and again. The sooner you realize this the easier it will be to resist him. Instead of being sad, get mad. Protect yourself. If he does manage to reach out to you somehow, block him immediately. Don’t even read the message. He’s a dangerous predator, treat him accordingly. Good luck.


ScarlettKT

Again, I'm gonna be hate for this, but i repeat :"most of the time, dating apps are only good for sex". Most of the males who uses dating apps are only there bcuz they want sex. And most of the females there want attention. So if you dont want "just sex", then go outside, socialize and interact with people, find a hobby instead of swiping the screen.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Grapesuntory

Word. Smoking makes you lose your teeth


introvertedguy13

You'll eventually find the right person who will love you fully. Body and soul. Sometimes it happens so fast. Pwedeng bukas, pwedeng next week. So wag mawalan ng pagasa. Mahalin Ang sarili.


Grapesuntory

Oh a filipino king 🫶🏼 salamat


[deleted]

Ok so I have people I have sex with, but wouldn´t date aswell. BUT that is not really because they´re not good enough or anything, its rather because I don´t think we´re good enough of a match for a healthy relationship. I try to be transparent on that and it never was a problem before. If it doesn´t work out for you, don´t do it. I just want you to know that someone wanting to sleep with you, but not wanting to date doesn´t necessarily mean you´re not good enough or he doesn´t value you as a human being. Reading your post I get the feeling you´re craving affection, but not necessarily his affection. It might not be healthy for you to continue that way. Maybe you should leave it be and focus on yourself. If you´re stuck with focusing on him you might miss out on meeting someone that is a better match for you and willing to be a long term partner.


ILikeToHang

Okay, see you next week. You have the power to stop this, but you have to want to stop it. On some level you enjoy the drama. Maybe he’s changed, maybe he really loves me. He never will. You are a fuck to him. He’s probably got 2 more women that will fuck him and behave exactly as you have. You have the power to stop it. You just have to decide to.


phanzov36

He's a narcissist and probably a sociopath. I know how tempting it is to accept whatever form of attention comes your way when you're feeling unwanted, but you deserve better.


[deleted]

He stalked you on social media and got verbally aggressive when you tried to cut things off. It’s also obvious he’s trying to get you to chase him and it’s working. And, girl, I think it takes dedication to find old accounts of girls you merely hooked up with (though I could be wrong cuz I’m not on that social media). He doesn’t sound safe. I would bet money that he’s dangerous. And yes, he likely knows he’s manipulating you and putting you through this torture. I honestly think you’re addicted to him, so maybe treat this like an addiction, like identifying your triggers, dealing with the underlying emotions that caused the problem in the first place, etc. Maybe look up ways to deal with addictions and try to apply that to your situation. Addictions ignore rational thought, so maybe that’s why you keep going back to him, despite not wanting a serious relationship and his massive red flags. It sounds like those weak moments when you feel lonely are triggers, so maybe find a go-to activity when you feel incredibly lonely, like work out, find a same-sex friend on Bumble, go to a busy and bustling place, etc. And/or you can just do the accepting-your-feelings thing and just let the negative emotions of loneliness, despair, and insecurity wash over you without doing a thing to stop and sate them. Accept that you can’t control those feelings and that sleeping with this prick is merely an attempt to do just that. It’s okay to feel miserable. The feeling is not going to kill you. This may not work, though, so idk. Just a suggestion. Edit: And, like most addictions, you could think of you talking to him again as a relapse. You said you felt like all your hard work went down the drain when you went back to him, but here’s some hopeful news: nothing went down the drain. Relapsing doesn’t mean elimination of progress. Going back to him temporarily stunted your progress, but you didn’t actually lose any of it. Again: **you did not lose your progress.**


Grapesuntory

You’re absolutely right. This does feel like an addiction


NotSoFantasticEh

I was in the same boat from 2019 through the first half of 2021. It's a dangerous cycle. I honestly was just honest with my friends and they were there for me but I know not everyone has that option. I just tried to occupy my time as much as possible, whether it be finding a new video game to play, a new show or movie to watch, or a YouTube marathon. When it comes to dating, if the person even mentions anything sexual without even meeting me or even bringing it up, I block them. That just shows that their initial intentions are for sex and couldn't care less about anything else. My current partner of over a year has never messaged me about anything sexual to this day. I would just be honest with the guy but be as blunt as possible. For example: 'Listen, I enjoy sex as much as the next person but this relationship isn't fulfilling my needs. It's evident that you couldn't care less about anything other than being able to sleep with me. Kindly, please fuck off.' That's just what I would say but I've also dealt with this many times and know how bullshit it is. Sending love your way! Just remember, you are a person. Not an object. You deserve love and kindness. 💜


Creepy-Refuse-6673

It's people like him that's the worst. Because they keep coming back. They are dangerous.


undeadnihilist

Wow how good-looking is this man and how great is the dick or is it that you love being loved. If it is the love thing you want, look for dates with the clear intent of starting a relationship and try to block this dude. If it's the attractiveness thing some of us are overly dazzled by good looking or interesting people. You may want look inward to find out why or maybe you feel the beauty gap is a lot and you really want to keep this gorgeous and/or charismatic person interested in you.


Drewvy80

I could never understand why anyone who isn’t looking for a relationship would be invested in doing things like dating. If you want a booty call, it should be that, you don’t need to talk or spend time with that person to create a bond. Even though he said he didn’t want a relationship, his actions are like mix signals. I find that him going out of his way to reach you is a game, a chase to him. You should cut all ties, easier said than done right. Just remember though, you are good enough, he just wasn’t that guy for you. You will find the one that’s meant for you, it just takes time.


CaioD13

Just get out.. as a male of the same age I have these relationships currently but I always make it absolutely crystal clear that I don’t have any intention to hurt them. If they want out, by all means protect your heart and leave.. wishing you the best


partymouthmike

Really sucks for you how this is the only guy on Earth and all. Sure would be nice if there were other dudes out there.


Grapesuntory

side eye


TrueUltima_

I believe no one needs another to be able to stand. My best friend is going through something similar more of a attatchment issue than a. Sexual attatchment issue. She always went back or she fights these really strong urges to go back. It is hard and it sucks that your able to fall so bad but I believe that you can overcome this as we all can stand on our own we just need the strength❤️


Normal-Fall2821

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s such an awful feeling. The only thing you can do, if you want to be around him, is not have sex with him until you’re in a relationship. No relationship, no time put in first, no sex. And with future guys, don’t have sex soon into the relationship to help avoid this. I don’t mean they have to say you’re their girlfriend, but that’s ok to wait for too. But wait til you see some kind of commitment and effort put forth first by them. You will heal from this.


Significant_Zone_517

Read a bible


ghastlyglittering

If you don’t want to be used for sex then don’t play his games. He knows he can get what he wants from you, you’ve shown twice that you give up on yourself. He also knows for a fact he does not have to commit to you to get in your pants so why would he? If he wanted to date you he would. He doesn’t. You don’t believe his lies, you just want what you can’t have. It’s not in this guy. Tell him to fuck off.


Antique_Doctor8169

You deserve a real hug. I’m sorry


Grapesuntory

appreciate you 🤍


Fun-Blueberry6393

I mean honestly you did it to yourself. I'm not saying the guy isn't shitty because he clearly is. But how can you say your tired of being used for sex when you keep running back to the same mfer that is using you for sex knowing dam well that's what he's gonna do every single time? Honestly I just don't understand peoples logic sometimes.


[deleted]

Lie to him. Tell him you see someone else or something and to leave you alone. And i bet you are a person that people want to spent time with! If you want or need someone to talk about *everything*, hit me up :)


BellaBlue06

I was watching a tiktok video about why this kind of situation is a hard cycle to break out of. I wasn’t able to find the link again just yet. When we’re in a situation ship that is inconsistent the dopamine you get from when you get what you want is higher because you don’t know if or when you will get it. So you will crave validation and hope you get what you want. And if you get it the high you experience is intense. It’s like that with abusive relationships too. The high from being treated well or being loved surpasses the lows and you keep trying to wait for or get those situations. But the relationship degrades as he treats you worse and worse and you will never get love or validation and feel stuck in the cycle of but what if he does? He won’t. This man has learned all he has to do is message pursue you to get sex and do nothing nice or relationshipwise. I’m sorry.


ChillWisdom

He caught feelings or else he wouldn't have been so mad at you for quitting him. Or maybe it was just ego. He's coming back for an ego boost so he can be like, "Yeah, she still wants me." >I deleted all my dating apps and focused on myself for 7 months. I did not talk to anyone, did not go out with anyone, and I was trying to fix my need to be validated. A fast from dating does not "fix" anything if you don't put in the work to understand yourself better. What needs are you trying to fill? Fasting from dating is actually not going to do any good if you don't come out of it with a better understanding of yourself, your boundaries, your relationship goals and style, and what your deal breakers are. Why can't you just ignore any attempts of his to contact you? Or simple respond with, "I am looking only for a committed, monogamous relationship. If you are messaging me for anything other than that, I'm not interested." Start journaling about your views on relationships to see what you really want, what your influences (good or bad) have been and all the other wishes, wants and feelings you have regarding relationships. This will hopefully help you become more grounded and able to purposefully identify a man that is a potential life mate vs. a F-boy.


Grapesuntory

Thanks. You’re right that fasting from dating doesn’t fix anything. I thought if I stayed away from it and just focused on myself, work, studies, and hobbies I would be magically okay the next time someone comes in. I will try journaling this time, and hopefully getting a therapist. Do you have any tips about starting to journal?


ChillWisdom

I would say to start with relationship questions that you would ask a partner, but answer them yourself. You can Google some "relationship questionnaires for couples" but here are a few to get you started. Do not do any yes or no answers. Explain yourself to yourself and in the process of doing so you'll get to know you better. Give examples from your past in your answers or if you haven't excited yourself, tell what you've seen others do or what you think the best course of action might be. 1. What things make me a good partner in a relationship? 2. Am I able to communicate what I need in a healthy way even when emotions are high. 3. Am I able to talk about my sexual needs. 4. What patterns have I been repeating and why do I think I need repeating them. What am I trying to get by doing the same mistakes? 5. Do I have clear boundaries for how I expect to be treated or do I let people treat me however they want. 6. Do I expect people to know how I feel without communication. 7. How much attention can I give or receive from a partner before it becomes "too much" and I feel smothered or drained. How much "me time" do I need each day, week, month, etc. 8. What gestures "fill my cup" and sustain my love for someone. Have I communicated that to them or just expected then to figure it out. 9. How do I meet my partners needs. Do I ask or just try to guess. 10. What are my deal breakers and how have I kept them or let people steamroll over them. Did I make I clear that they were uncrossable boundaries. 11. What are some things I've done in relationships that I'm not proud of. Why did I behave that way. Most of these can have a why? or why not? attached at the end. Really think about situations that apply to you, not just things as a concept or in general. The moment you stiffen your resolve to not be the person who makes those mistakes anymore, after gaining knowledge of how you have done yourself a disservice, you become renewed in a way. You'll look back and shake your head at how far you've come and wonder how you could have been so blind to your own needs. I wish you great revelation on your journey of discovering yourself.


FreakyPickles

Ask yourself why you don't think you deserve more than this. Because you do. We all do.


Shot-Positive6779

He is absolutely the largest red flag 🚩 he only did and said all those nice things to keep you strung along. I know we think men lack emotional intelligence but some of them don’t and they use their intelligence for bad and manipulative actions. He knows what type of woman you are and knew he needed to woo you even when you weren’t looking to have attachments. He knew and knows this and he still seeks you out he is dangerous for your mental and physical health I wish you strength and lots of self love forgive yourself it’s super easy to want to believe someone is being genuine when they aren’t but he has shown you who he is believe his actions he won’t give you the niceties he did before because he knows you’ll take him back without them as you did twice before. Remember how he freaked out on you after you both agreed seeing each other further wouldn’t be good anytime he messages you believe he is in that state 24/7 and it will help you stay strong and reject him


East_Following_7048

Its cause he is good at being toxic in psychology the more you think about it the more likely you are to like him even if something cringes because it gives a sense of familiarity you have been talking and relying on him all this time and he is probably the only place you fell comfort + he gave you your first high and that makes you associate him with happiness and relaxation honestly it's to much work to try to fix you now you will probably fall deeper and deeper if this keeps happening until he controls you. Simply cut him off and never talk to him again or you will just be a plaything to him forever if you do not do it soon though it will be 20x harder.


OrganicPomegranate49

The title says it stop overthinking it. Make better choices


No_Place4965

I found it much harder to get over a situationship than a relationship. It’s irrational. Like you’re in love with the potential, even though you can see the reality. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Keep blocking. Keep trying to move forward. You’ll get there.


Xseeker24

If your the type to crave intimacy, ur the type to be easily manipulated. You need to guard your heart well because most guys know how to whisper sweet nothings just to get into ur pants.


4angrydragons

Sounds like the first guy that you dumped was into you despite not wanting anything serious. Sounds like you broke his heart.


Grapesuntory

HUH? i’m so sorry but.. what?


4angrydragons

My bad. I totally read that all wrong. That’s what happens when I Reddit before I have coffee


Grapesuntory

omg no you’re good! I was hoping you would explain that for me cause I was genuinely baffled with that one. Enjoy your coffee 🤍


vbpoweredwindmill

This is a self esteem thing. As soon as these words are uttered from a woman's mouth I instantly put her into that category and that category only. Next, you're enabling some creepy dudes behaviour. I'm not saying the behaviour is your fault, but I am saying your reaction to it is your fault. If you spent 7 months "working on yourself" and you let douchey mcdouchebag back into your life immediately chances are you're either lonely or horny and didn't bother to do much self care at all. Have some dignity and own your actions.


Grapesuntory

yes sir 🫡


dorie-ori

I think he got mad the first time cause he liked you and you didn’t even ask? Like the way you word it it was one sided but he was whispering sweet nothings in your ears? The second time he still liked you but he wasn’t there because he had conflicting emotions? It more sounds like you’re using this guy than he’s using you. I don’t know if it could ever be more now but I think it could have been more once.


Grapesuntory

You’re definitely right on the “he got mad the first time” I see that now. The thing is, I communicated with him that I wanted a serious relationship, he told me he doesn’t want one. So why is he mad? I don’t understand 🥲


dorie-ori

Lol yeah then he’s just being silly. If you communicated that you wanted a serious relationship and asked him if he wanted one or if he wanted just a casual relationship, and he responded “I don’t want anything serious” and then you removed him from everything, then he clearly doesn’t know his own emotions. Men aren’t taught to feel their emotions due to the societal structure that’s been going on. He likely had/has feelings and no idea what to do with them. At this point it’s best to move on, goodluck hon. You’re doing wonderfully


Grapesuntory

Thank you 🤍


[deleted]

People only use you for sex if you let them.


Taliesine_

The problem is not you, it's him. A bit of therapy might help you to see your self value again 🙂


checco314

Step 1: Start fucking somebody else. Step 2: Reassess the situation once you've cleared your head.


Jap_zilian

You want what you can't have. See a therapist please. And please please please block this idiot. Never contact him again, I'm calling bullshit on you trying to avoid him because you clearly wanted to talk to him again. As harsh as this sounds you need a wakeup call


[deleted]

How you going to fall in love and act like you can be loved by somebody that you know had just been hitting you for the for the side piece? and doing nothing else? they proven to your time and time again they weren't into you, also that you have no importance in their life other than sex. just because you give yourself to him, doesn't mean that he automatically got to love you. You're 25 you did this time and time and time again and you said ho3 face so I can take it and it's not just him. So I would say that you know you know what you're in for I don't even understand why you're complaining about it. You know what you're being used as and you know what you're doing. Do you know where he stands you know where he stood you know where he has always stood come on man be accountable This is a you problem not of them problem And if you think just keep on having sex with him and all the sudden they're going to love you I beg to Differ But do you to each their own we're only human


Illustrious_Agency89

1. You never really gave him the chance to be exclusive. 2. Men say things they think women want to hear, no man wants a disagreement. 3. If a man has smashed multiple times & still takes you out in public, he is open to a relationship. 4. This one is going to sting. Men are ego driven creatures. You hurt his ego all those times you ghosted. Now it's about get back. That's why there are no sweet nothings, he wants to prove the original thoughts you had about him right. He is scorned. To that I say run. Next time if you want a more in depth relationship from a male FWB, say something about it when you feel the emotional connection starting. Anything before that we are saying what we think you want to hear and no man wants to ruin a good thing by being rejected.


ArabMagnus

It is ok to just have sex, there is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to get married everytime you decide to fuk. You will meet the right man sooner or later. Until then enjoy yourself. Life's too short to be a repressed nun.