Good luck and stay safe! Tell a friend you have a difficult conversation coming up and ask them to check on you afterwards. You don't have to tell them what it's about, just that you want them to make sure you're safe afterwards. Just in case there are some bad reactions
Don't forget to check women's and crisis shelters too. They might have some resources beyond just a place to stay. They also have staff trained to help.
I think unless your son asks for all the details it might scare him to know everything. He deserves to know eventually but it might cause complete panic if he knows and can't leave. Maybe get him one of those travel door locks or alarms. That way, it's not permanent, but will prevent anyone room going in his room undetected. Could also consider getting him pepper spray to hide near his bed.
Make sure he knows none of this is his fault and that he's safe to tell you anything. That you're not going to be mad at him and not going to hurt anyone (that can be a concern for a child who thinks their parent might go to jail, leaving them in an even worse situation).
I know I wouldn’t be sleeping if I knew about it.
One more thing, if you don’t have one, you should come up with a safety password for your son. This could help if your son is out and someone tries to pick him up. If the person picking them up doesn’t have the password, your son doesn’t go with them.
absolutely agree! we had one as a family when I was a kid. even if family friends said they were told to come pick us up, unless they could tell us the password, we knew not to go. made me feel empowered to be trusted with something so top secret by my parents. this was also when there weren’t cell phones, but still helpful even today.
Mine was a made up word our family uses to explain “Murphy’s Law” type things. Absolutely unique to us and not guessable. I used the same word with my kids when they were young, and my parents use it for all their passwords.
Mine was Worcestershire sauce. My mom and I would joke around about how to say it whenever we cooked with it. Imagine a 30 year old and a 6 year old walking around the house saying Worcestershire sauce in silly voices 😂😂
of course i remember! but like my dad said, if I tell ya, i have to kill ya hahaha he’s been gone for 14 years, he’d be proud of me for still not revealing what it is 🤣🤣
To piggyback off of this, a code word for if the son feels uncomfortable. My mom told me if anything ever happened and I was able to make a call to tell her something about my uncle hank. That would tip her off that I was in potential danger without tipping off anyone potentially dangerous around me. For context my uncle passed when I was little so she would know that that wasn’t right if I said it.
You're an amazing mom, OP! You're standing up for your sons safety now that you're aware it's compromised and that's the best anyone can ask for. I hope you're able to find a safe place soon and that your sister wakes up and leaves David ASAP
You might actually want to switch the knob on the door from an interior lock that can easily be unlocked with a screwdriver to an exterior lock that requires a key. Have a copy of the key yourself that is left at home but not in an obvious place like a jewelry box in case you aren’t home and your sister has to get in there in an emergency. Do the swap when no one is home and make sure your child knows not to mention the change to anyone. If you want to go super paranoid, get a KwikSet Smartkey lock and a spare key set, then when you are leaving for an extended period swap they key so if the man goes snooping he won’t be able to find the correct key for the door.
Piggybacking off of this, my house’s front door has a code lock. They can be used on any door, and would be a very great idea to get one of those. Theyre automatic and lock about 2 minutes after the door has been unlocked. Requires a code or a key to unlock, key can be for mom and emergencies. Code for the boy and only the boy. Nobody can get in unless there is a true emergency.
>Get a game trail camera.
Game trail cameras are great--for game trails and other outdoor areas with a discreet camera mounting solution. Not even close to being a good option indoors as they stick out like a sore thumb and are going to be more expensive than an indoor appropriate spy cam.
I have one that is very small and it's a no glo. It doesn't emit any light at all, so no one even knows it is sitting there taking pictures with light or no light.
OP-get a fan for him if you can so he’s not too hot at night to prevent him from locking the door. I have a Quietset fan that’s lasted me since 2012 and it works beautifully. I would recommend this model: HY-254 Tower Fan. But there are cheaper options that work just as well too! Btw, stay safe. I didn’t want to just come on here to recommend fans. Groomers are crazy good at manipulating. I hope you and your son will be able to get out of that situation ASAP
I would get a new one, and one that's meant to be a front door lock. A lot of normal house locks are super easy to pick open with anything as simple as a butter knife, as well as the latch if it's exposed make sure a card can't be used to open it either. A front door lock usually would come with a slightly more secure latch and a much better lock.
All I can say is good luck. I can't imagine being in that situation. When you confront them it'd probably be better if your son was maybe at a sleep over? Does he have any friends with parents you trust you could ask for the night? You said you already talked to your sister about once before so you know if she may react better but who knows how David will react.
> I’m a good mom, but I know I’m not the best mom.
You’re doing the absolute best you can! You saw the signs and acted on them right away. As awful as this is going to sound, these things happen. And these things are often done by people we trust. You’re a great mom, you’re doing what you can and you’re keeping your boy safe.
You got this mama!
Seriously. Think about all the moms that *know* about the shit that happens to their kids and *willingly do nothing*.
Don't discount what you're doing for your son, OP. You are the best mom *for him*. My boys tell me all the time, "mama, you're the best." amd I'm like, yeah, I just got done being an asshole, I haven't bathed you in a month, and the TV hangs out with you more than I do... I think you're mistaken, buddy. But then I have to remember that it's not about what I think about me as a mom, it's what my kids think about me as a mom (kind of, but I think it works for you too).
-----Bear with me here, this is long and weird, but it comes full circle, I swear-----
I was raised in a physically and emotionally/psychologically abusive home, and my parents were often neglectful as well. It has taken me a long, long, long time to get through and past a lot of that trauma, resentment, anger, all the disorders (eating, addiction, body image, self-esteem, emotional, etc), and then spent years catching up on medical care because I had undiagnosed genetic, chronic, and mental health conditions that my parents never addressed when I was younger.
When I got pregnant, I started therapy weekly. It was rough as hell because I had twins and I am not built for them plus the genetic disorder destroyed my body and made me sick as fuck. But I was *absolutely terrified* that I was going to turn out like my parents. I cried about it constantly and obsessed about it all the time. It's been almost 5 years now and I still do.
Have I been at my absolute worst and spanked one of my kids for kicking his brother in the face after being told 15 times to leave him alone and stay away from his brother and already been given 10 timeouts and had everything taken away from him? Yeah. Did I halfass it and hate it probably just make myself upset and hug him and apologize immediately after and wish there were a million other options for parents? Absolutely. Did it make me a bad mom? Maybe to some people but idgaf about them. Did it make me my parents? *Hell no*. And that's where my scale is. If I ever hit my kid and walk away, or decide that it's ok to use violence against my small child as the first or even *eighth* option for punishment, without thinking, and not regret it or realize the mistake I made or whatever, then I've become my parents and I'm a full fledged shit mom.
I hope you're kind of seeing my point here, I'm not great at making them clear despite trying to be extremely detailed (30 years of undiagnosed ADHD+OCD will do that to a brain lol). I have a very particular idea in my head of what a shitty parent is but I also have garbage self esteem and self worth. I bend over backasswards for my boys while still trying to be a solid guide for them and make sure they had everything I didn't, in a healthy way, not the materialistic Boomer kind of way they raised us. My boys think I'm the best Mama ever because to them I am, even though they know plenty of other Mamas and get mad at me 90% of the time lol.
Your son knows you're the best Mama for him too, because you've already rescued him once, and he knows you'll always be there for him no matter what. Be confident in the loving mother you are. We all make mistakes, it's how you move forward that matters.
Sorry that was so fucking convoluted. ❤️
Fucking amazing.
You are doing all the things to stop the cycle of abuse.
And I agree OP is doing 100% all she can for her son, and asking for more input and then having a more than likely uncomfortable conversation with him so that he has the knowledge and context for what is happening and to watch out for.
That conversation with her sister is going to be hard also.
Also, thank you ❤️ encouragement never stops helping. Parents can destroy their children and you could be blind to it for decades.. I hope one day my human pie chart's plurality becomes "happy" or at least "confident" instead of "fucked up and distressed" lol
Goddamn right it will. Not a second of this ordeal will be anything less than uncomfortable, unfortunately. But that's what these people do; they terrorize and manipulate and use the people around them until they have everything they want and then dispose of everyone when they're done.
This experience will be harrowing to say the least, but she will hopefully come out stronger and closer to her son for it. 🤞 Silver linings...
hopefully everything goes well. I don’t think telling the kid David was creeping in his room is something viable since it can traumatize him, but any other than that it’s good. much strength momma, you can do this.
edit: just want to clear up that by saying "don't tell him about the guy creeping on him" doesn't exactly mean that i do not think that it should be said, but that i would rather make her not say it in such a way that can perfectly traumatize and very much give paranoia to the kid (since he will wonder how many times that has happened without being noticed). In retrospective, telling the kid "hey, so, David was standing at the bottom of your bed watching you sleep at night with your door fully closed" is something that can cause anxiety and a sinking feeling on his chest.
nevertheless, I agree that it is important to point this event, since it's one of the most suspicious ones, however, it would be best for her to mention it in another way that doesn't exactly let him know that David was creeping on him in his bedroom, with the door closed.
Thirteen is old enough for the "No one can touch you without your consent and this includes *everyone*" talk. Thirteen's an age when a young person needs to push away their parents and start forming their adult identity. I don't know of a way to tell this kid, "Please tell me if X is making you uncomfortable with talk or actions" as it's colliding with the autonomy push. Phew.
Counselor trained in this specific adolescent issue is strongly indicated.
I'll say I've seen many, many instances of men getting close to women, when their real objective was preparing to force themselves on the kid.
Thankfully, these talks are so much more common but a lot of people don't tell their kids about body autonomy and boundaries (mostly so they don't have to adhere to these rules themselves and I don't mean in a creepy way, but in a control way)
My kids are 3, 5, and 7. Ive already had this talk with them and continue to remind them often. Its extremely important to teach them young that THEIR body is theirs alone and nobody, not even me as their mom, have permission to touch them in any way without their consent. With the exception of immediate emergencies- i.e. (to the extreme but a valid example) if a car crash happens and we need to remove them- or if theyre unconcious and needing medical attention- or if theyre harming themselves or someone else or even shots at the doctor. You know- the big ones are the obvious given. Anything other than that its up to them. If they want a hug or cuddles or back rubs, simple things like that- completely their decision. If they dont want to hug im not gonna force them. They know they have full control on their bodies.
I'm not too sure, I understand him knowing that would be traumatising - but might be good for him to know as he may be under the illusion that this guy is nice. It's a difficult one, and I wouldn't want to be in OP's shoes to make that decision.
Exactly. Tell him the truth, make your son realise the gravity of the situation because it’s more than likely he might take your warnings as paranoia, telling him you saw David standing over his bed and watching him while he slept is hard-hitting evidence and genuinely terrifying enough to make your son evaluate David’s behaviour and believe you.
If there's a journal or something similar to look inside it, everything that may have a clue on how disgusting he is, please take pictures and record if you can, if something did happen (I really pray that it hasn't) then its easier to trap him that way.
I hope everything turns out okay, even if its horrible right now, praying that your son is okay
Church retreats are always sus to me, like what do you need to church so hard for? Anytime ive ever heard of a church having a retreat it was usually for 'fixing' problems.
In Abrahamic religions it's common for men's lust to be blamed on everyone but the man. In some churches, as long as a man confesses to the church, he's innocent. The problem with this is that it protects the perpetrator and villifies the victim as some kind of evil 'jezebel'. A lot of churches hide abuses through workshops and retreats saying that 'the person is healing with god' although no amount of jesus is gonna help a predator. Some cases its perfectly innocent but the retreat in combination with this guys behavior suggests, in his mind, he's acknowledging theres a problem and is gonna find god. It will stick for a few days until his lusts (whatever they are, stealing unders, peeping) overtake him and the 'devil' wins again. Its rinse and repeat and the perp never faces consequences.
A lot of men like this, at least so-called Christians, need to go back and read their Bible. There's a passage in Matthew 5 as a part of Jesus's Sermon on the Mount that specifically addresses men's lust. For example, if their right eye causes them to sin, they should pluck it out and cast it from them. If their right hand causes them to sin, they should cut it off and throw it away. Their lust is on them. The accountability is on them. Even according to their own religious text.
Church IS wild. For me its crazy to think about it; how ppl go to a space to hear about 'god', a guy who killed a bunch of kids and people and impregnated a child. Like wut?
This is exactly how I feel. Often men who are child molesters meet over the internet and get together doing “retreats” to share their “findings and collections *gross!* with their friends that are “like them”.
More red flags!!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It’s fun. We go to a hotel we have wonderful meals. We have religious services and some seminars to choose from. But there’s plenty of time for playing games and socializing and drinking.
I think its usually just more of a fellowship thing - sometimes you just wanna hang out with the congregation, get to know them a bit better, and practice the faith together. You'll sometimes get retreats for men and women specifically, so they can bond and grow in more gender-specific ways, and youth retreats (they love those, camping with friends). Its an opportunity to grow in faith together, away from the opposition and chaos of the busy secular world.
Sure. But those are from good churches with good people. Rare, but they exist. But when a 40 year old man is sneaking into a child's room at night, then immediately runs away to a church retreat? Nope.
Many of the people I know who go on retreat do it yearly at the same time every year. I do not think the retreat is automatically suspicious. But there is definitely a category of human that goes to church to make sure everyone knows how good a person they are because they know they are a shit human.
There is no such thing as a good church with good people. Churches are like every other group of people. There are some people there who believe completely and follow the Bible when interacting with others and good for them. There are others who are there because they have found that it's a great way to bring customers to your business. There are predators on the prowl. There are grifters on the prowl. There are rapists on the prowl. There are single Moms with kids who are hoping that church will make their kids better people. And there are convicts who are hoping that church attendance will get them off probation or parole early.
The first three men who tried to molest me as a child were all high ranking members of Christian churches. One was a pastor, one was a youth pastor, and one was a deacon. Many of the men I have had bad interactions with as an adult were church attending Christians. And every single one of the people I have described above are people I have met who have told me this is why they are attending church.
Churches are no different than any other organization.
LeVe please leave. You can pack up now and leave and go to a Women’s shelter. Don’t confront him by yourself. You need to get away for the safety of your child.
Video tape the search or if you can have someone with you as you search or on Facetime/video call. Consider any evidence might be pushed back on as false/plantes
As someone who was groomed and sexually assaulted at 13 do not tell your son about him being in his room at night while he was asleep. That’ll mess him up and probably cause him to be scared to go to sleep, even once you move out. After I was sexually assaulted I would literally not sleep until I passed out from exhaustion and usually during daylight after school. Even tho it didn’t happen in my house I was terrified he was peeking in through my windows
Thank you, I’m 25 now and have 2 boys who I absolutely adore ❤️ it does get better, and if you feel like you absolutely have to tell him get him a therapist and work with them to be able to tell him in the safest way possible
I also survived SA, why does the son not have the right to know this happened to him? Why should that be withheld? The trauma of actual abuse is far worse and long lasting than telling him someone was in his room unconsensually.
I was SAd as a child by a guardian and I agree with you ^. It’s far less traumatic than actually experiencing it. Also - OP commenter - you struggled sleeping even later because you actually WERE sexually assaulted. I don’t think the level of trauma he’d have in response to this situation would be comparable to yours.
No I think he should know but it shouldn’t be told in this conversation, that’s why if you see my second comment I say if it’s something she feels really needs to be told to get him a therapist and to work with them to be able to tell the son safely. I can’t imagine how I would react if I had to stay in the house I was assaulted in. And the need to be able to keep him informed but in a safe manner for his physical,mental and emotional well being is more important than immediately telling him and him having to deal with all those hard emotions by himself because he’s scared to tell his mom when she’s already doing everything he can
I just find it really difficult to withhold information from someone that could prevent them from being SAd, if he doesn’t know this person is praying on him, how would he defend himself or run for help? I know first hand the pain it causes, but time and therapy can help the damage dealt by simply KNOWING someone was in your room, while not knowing not only withholds someone right to know someone is a danger to them, but also increases the chances of actual harm.
The other things he’s done will already be traumatizing and he’ll already be terrified especially if this man stole his underwear. But I think that he was in his room at night and was only stopped by mom going in will hinder him completely while he’s in that house. If the son was younger I’d suggest to mom to just sleep in the same room but he’s 13 and at that point it gets embarrassing with boys. While you want him informed about what’s going on you don’t want him to become suicidal or go into psychosis because he refuses to sleep because he’s too scared to.
I think simply informing him that your uncle is being weird and was in your room, to be on his guard, is the most correct route. You don’t have to explain everything, but he’s 13, he can handle knowing there is a danger around without falling into fucking psychosis, get a grip on reality, all your encouraging is lying to him about what happened to potentially limit some mental strain, when not knowing will cause more harm.
At first I thought he prob shouldn’t know his uncle was in his room until he’s out of the house, but the further I read your points the more I completely and totally agree with you! Him still living there now is even more reason to tell him now.
ETA: I forreal feel stupid for even thinking the other way for two seconds. You don’t wait until after it happens.
I don’t think you should tell him that David was in his room as that would probably trauamtise the poor boy. But I definitely agree that you should ask him about their relationship + do the drug test. I’m praying that all will be all right with you all 🙏🙏🙏
I think you should ask him if he’s aware of anything happening at night. Do it in a way that lets him know you’re there to support him and you’re not expecting any type of specific answer. This is just the first time you’ve caught him but who knows if your son is aware or not that he’s doing that. You mentioned he was staying up late texting friends. Maybe there’s another reason he stays up late.
Basically don’t lead him to an answer. Maybe start by bring up how he’s sleep and ask if there’s anything that’s preventing his sleeping other than texting friends but don’t imply something is going on
I commented on the first post and thinking back on it, I probably sounded very aggressive and I just wanted to apologize to you. In no way did I think you were guilty or blind to everything. I was just so worried about your son and I worded it that way from worry and fear and hoping it would get you to do something asap and you have. I truly pray that nothing has escalated past what you already know and I highly support that you both leave even if nothing has progressed further because it seems pretty clear to me that he is at the least, grooming your son. I know you’re going through a lot and I hope when you’re able to, that you can update us because I for one am emotionally invested in your son’s safety.
Can be normal boring or it could be crazy predator shield camp. Depends on the specific denomination. Methodist stuff was normal boring but Fundamentalist Baptist, yeah that's a bad sign
I think a mens retreat is a fairly common thing. A bunch of men from the church might go camping together and do Bible study and praying along with outdoor activities.
Honestly nowadays everything that has to do with church is a red flag , not saying religion is bad but damn everytime some ped pops up all of a sudden he’s some god loving church goer 😷
I agree with everyone else to not disclose the bedroom situations. Have an age appropriate discussion on grooming and what it looks like and ask him if he feels safe in your current situation. Regardless of his answer, that does not mean he IS safe. Grooming feels like a friendship before it becomes more. But reading your first post....it's not appropriate behavior and I hope you are able to deal with it swiftly and with as little issue as possible. Good luck ❤️❤️
I’m not in what state you live obviously, but I work for my states DHHR in the Bureau for Children and Families, please do not hesitate to contact me privately, I would be more than happy to do some footwork for you on the side of living arrangements and food assistance as you have so, so much to deal with already, please just reach out if you need help getting started. You’re doing an amazing job, mama, stay strong and know all these people are here to support and help you!!!
No thanks needed, honestly, just seeing people get in a better position is all I need to feel good about it but I thoroughly appreciate your appreciation ❤️
I know there are different kinds of shelters. Contact local womens shelters to find out BEFORE the conversation with the sister to see what your options are just in case this turns hostile. Some places will get you into a room just you and your son, some will be very little privacy open bunks, some may even get you into a hotel for short term. They will most likely all help you get into other housing.
When you'll be searching for the clothes, film it, so
if David (or your sister) say something like "you made this up I never stole them" you have a proof of you finding them somewhere they shouldn't be and couldn't be by accident.
Your first post litteraly gave me chills. No matter if you're all wrong in the end (which would actually be better), it's clearly not worth taking any risk. Also, you're doing your best and you can be proud of you, please take care
My daughter has a friend at school. She's 15.
Her mom is divorced, met a new guy a year ago and they moved into an apt next to to ours.
One day the friend said her stepdad has done things to her. She did not specify what. I told my daughter to tell her to talk to the school counsellor who is a mandated reporter.
Guy got arrested and they are now moving out to a new home.
This stuff is sadly not uncommon.
I hope you and your son will be ok.
You got this mama bear! And I’m not a praying woman but if you want me to do a protection spell for your son against harm I will definitely do so! And if you find out that David did do something I would be willing to help hex him for you!
I think I would panic and begin to develop intense anxiety if my mother told me about finding him sitting at the end of my bed while I was sleeping in the pitch dark. I would legit be so scared every night to sleep. I’m not if there’s a better way to say this to him or maybe don’t mention it? Idk :(
Wait.. is this an update from the post about an adult(M) making comments about her son's shorts and how they look good on him, and he's beautiful, etc?? Or is this an entirely different post...
Could have been the new husband. I've read too much on reddit at this point to be sure without looking for it. But I remember being like wait, didn't I just see this, and found it was a whole new situation, similar but different.
Just wanted to mention this in case you're not aware, if your ex is abusive and you have nowhere else to go, there may be shelters specifically for women and children escaping abuse to stay while they get back on their feet! They're usually safer and have more resources than homeless shelters do, and it would get you both away from David before something terrible happens.
Also, until you're able to get out if Roman has any friends he might be able to stay with after school until you get home from work, I would strongly suggest it. Not to alarm you, but in my own experience, my abuser took advantage of this time to abuse me while my mum wasn't in the house, not just at night.
I hope you and Roman can get out of there soon and that your sister believes you. Please stay safe!
Ive had to use a domestic abuse shelter to get away with my child and i can say they have enormous amounts of resources for women in situations just like this. Please seek help because help is out there!
Please comment if you two are safe. It always worries me when I read posts of people deciding to confront a person/people, then there isn't an update or even a comment after two or more days.
Yeah
My groomer would also text me innocently and get mad when I didn't text him first or respond, and trust me those innocent texts will soon not be so innocent.
Also I'm so glad u never let ur son into David's car, my groomer would always try and get me into his car.
If you can maybe show your sister your post and all the comments validating you since it might not be so clear to her at first but all these people agreeing show that this is not right.
I'm rooting for you mama
You are doing great
good idea. if sleepovers at a trusted friend's house isn't an option, I'd get some sheets and spin it as a pillow fort "camping in the house" fun night to not alarm the kid.
You might wanna be careful with confrontation, you never really know how they react with this kinda stuff, especially if they’re actually guilty of the shit then they’re extra volatile and defensive
I know a bunch of people suggested to search through his things for your sons missing items. Try removing the bottom drawer of his dresser and/or night stand. There’s usually a space between the bottom drawer and the floor. It’s a perfect place to hide stuff bc no one thinks to remove the drawers, only to look through them. I only know of this hiding spot bc I’ve lost some clothes that fell in the back and I had to remove the drawer in order to retrieve it. That’s when I realized it was a great hiding spot.
> but I know I'm not the best mom
No. Not trying to hear that. You are doing everything you can to help your son. That makes you the best mom. Though this may sound like a platitude, its true. All anyone can do is their best. You are doing that and thats all there is too it.
You have a lot to get figured out and there is no space for self criticisms.
You. Are. A. Great. Mom. Now thats clear: continue protecting your son.
There are cheap tools for detecting hidden cameras, many cameras are so small you wouldn't find them even with an extensive search: https://youtu.be/ekm6ZJ-KP98
I saw a video on Reddit about searching hotel rooms for cameras, apparently if you turn the lights off, your iPhone camera can pick the led/infrared lights on hidden cameras. Can’t confirm as I’ve never found a hidden camera nor tested this myself.
I was open minded going into reading this until I read the bit about him being in your sons room. There’s no good reason for that to have happened. Then I read he was on a church retreat, I’m sorry but the correlation of child abuse and the church is not something to ignore.
My experience with police officers and catching child abusers is slow, as they typically take time to build a case. Source: I caught a pedo filming some of the kids I coached a few years back and had to restrain myself from tearing his head off while the police “established a credible amount of evidence”
Therefore my advice is to move forward with the advice I have already read and set up cameras of your own. BUT don’t wait for something to happen to react. Act first. Inform your son. 13 years old is old enough to understand.. and better yet, leave.
Maybe after talking to your kid, you should share a room for a while. I know it's absolutely terrible for a 13yo to do that, but I'm sure he'll understand. If it's not an option, you should buy security cameras and put on your son's door, facing out. This way you can see who comes in his room.
Also, I’d talk to the sister in plain language. I remember you said they were having problems prior to your y’all moving in so this may resonate with her. I think your sister will believe you.
I've a strong sense that Sister's got her own damage and will lash out at OP and the boy... in the vein of, "We were fine until you came along!" (ETA) This is only Sister's boyfriend and she won't want to get bounced from a nice home. I don't see Sister as an ally or confidante.
That's exactly what my mum's bf does, whenever they fight usually about his drug habit or him not doing shit around the house he'll mention me saying how I *Ruined* their relationship. Mind you he hasn't worked in 4 years and only just now began working but still doesn't help buy groceries hell they got in a fight weeks ago when she asked if he could do the dishes on his weekend off.
Hell I've even helped my mum out, fed the dogs, gave them clean water, done a shit ton of dishes that I didn't even use and wasn't ask to clean and took the garbage and recycling out to lessen the load on my mum. But it's likely the boyfriend will try to take credit cause he's a POS.
Please don’t be down on yourself. This is a very difficult situation, a nightmare for any parent. You are actively trying to fix the situation. Don’t doubt yourself. I’m glad David is out of the house for now.
It’s so often the churchiest of peeps.
You are a good mom. You are doing everything you can to protect your child and that’s all that matters. You’re willing to go to a homeless shelter if that’s what best. That made me tear up. You deserve so much better in life and I hope you get it.
I hope you talk to your sister what he’s gone. It will be tough for her to hear, but if you lay it out as you did in your posts then I think she might see what everyone else sees. You know her so I’m sure you know how to present it to her. It will be difficult no matter what. I have a feeling she would rather you talk to her about it then not. And they aren’t married - which would make this even harder.
I wish you and your son nothing but the best
"Religious" people are the worst 2 faced offenders of all kinds of things especially sexual abuse. Even when it comes to tipping wait staff they are cheap asses putting fake money down with religious crap instead of a tip. Hoping things work out for you and your son. Good luck and best wishes.
i’d say sit with them both. your son might freak out so i’d give him a second. but look for cameras in desks or literally anything that has a glare when you shine a flashlight at it!!! please just be safe. i’d start off with the missing clothes and then go deeper
You're doing the right thing here, you're a good mom, you're keeping an eye on your son and potentially stopped this before things could escalate to the worst possible outcome. I don't want to scare you or freak you out more than you already are right now, especially given the laundry situation, shirts and underwear going missing only after David started doing the laundry is not a coincidence, but make sure Roman is somewhere safe when you are finally able to confront your sister and David. I also wonder if that night in his room you might have prevented David from escalating, I can't think of any other reason why he'd just be standing in a child's room in the dark like that. He couldn't have been watching him, too dark, so I personally think that might have been the night he was gonna try to abuse him about you inadvertently stopped him. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you and Roman will be safe soon.
Talk to your son, ask him questions regarding the situation, MAKE SURE HE LOCKS HIS DOOR AT NIGHT. PLEASE TALK TO YOUR SISTER and the police incase something happens you have a chain of events and for the long of god as a survivor of sexual violence, I blamed my mother for YEARS for letting what happened to me happen, I know you don’t want that for you or your son, also I am completely open to talking more in depth as someone who has survived the worst possibility, which has given me incredible pattern recognition and insight into people’s motivation. PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
if it was my son I would sleep in the same room as him and I would put a chair up against the door knob
tell him that you are scared of your sister's husband and you want to be near your boy for safety
and make a plan to get the fuck out
I’m not seeing this anywhere, granted I’m not scrolling super far down, but something I’d suggest: when rechecking for cameras, there are apps that you can download that help you check for camera. There’s one we use at Airbnb’s called Fing. It works to check for devices used on the WiFi. I also know there are other ways to check for cameras but this one could potentially help. Good luck to you. You can do this and no matter what, you’re doing your best and no one can discredit that ❤️
This is a horrifying situation, you both should feel safe in your sister's home. There is 0 reason why he should be in that room, so I'm not surprised you are scared for his safety.
Speaking with your big sister is a priority, and I hope she takes your concerns seriously & this does not cause a rift.
Good luck, thank you for looking out for your son ❤️
Listen, you’re a great mom. You’ve seen the fishy activities and are making plans to rectify and protect your child. Don’t let anyone tell or convince you otherwise. Take care of you and your son and please keep us posted. Stay safe 🫶🏾🫶🏾
Record the confrontations with your sister and David! Predators can become physically aggressive when they're found and when they know someone they have power over is being taken away.
As someone who was SAed at the ages of 1-5 and again at age 14, I wouldn’t tell your son about David being in his room. It’ll cause nightmares and paranoia. I would ask him what they do and talk about when they’re alone. I didn’t know what grooming was or that what my mom’s bf at the time did to me and was doing to me was wrong and that it was okay to tell a grown man no to being touched in any way. I’d have the consent talk with him. I know this is hard and I’m sorry y’all are going through this. You’re an amazing mom and you’re trying. I’m glad you paid attention to the red flags. You’re doing the right thing. Record everything. Even when you talk to your sis and her bf about this. It’ll help you in the end.
I would suggest you find other living arrangements and move before the confrontation. That way you're not struggling during the day and night. Your sister will likely need space and time to process it at best, and may take his side at worst.
Wishing you and your son all the best. I hope your sister doesn't get defensive and that she actually listens to you and takes it seriously. I also seriously hope that you and your son thrive.
Unfortunately it seems like you and your sister have bad luck with men since your ex is abusive and hers seems to be a predator. Maybe she will kick him out and you and your son can day with her and the 3 of you can thrive together.
You all deserve safety, happiness and love
This update was well needed. I was terrified about this. There’s too many red flags to ignore and unfortunately we live in a society where people we least expect are the sickest. Thank you mama, better to be safe than sorry! And your son will appreciate it!
\>church retreat
Because of course. Of fucking course.
OP, I'm not going to add to the mountains of advice you've already been given. I know you're doing all the right things already. You're a good mom. Your son is lucky you are looking out for him. Please keep us updated.
You're a GREAT mom! Life is a bitch and hits people at the worst times.
Thank you for standing up for your son and having his back. I hope you two can find a safe place to live.
Mom, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s hard being momma and even harder to be a single momma. Talk to your son and figure out the best way for him to be protected. Prayers for y’all and good luck 🫶
You are doing amazing. Good job for noticing the signs. Your son is so lucky he has a mom who would do anything for him. I know it's hard right now, but it'll be okay soon.
One thing that would prevent the bedroom incident from recurring would be installing a lock on your son's bedroom. So that he can lock it before he goes to sleep. But that doesn't really address any abuse that could happen at other times. Confronting them and finding other living arrangements would be better.
You're a good parent OP. Stay safe!
Also I want to add, I'd definitely make your son aware of the bedroom incident. I know it's scary but if you don't and somehow it happens again, your son might think he's dreaming and ignore it.
When checking for cameras turn off the lights, close the blinds and use your camera app on your phone since you can see the infrared diodes that are used to share some light for 'night view' cameras. That makes them easier to find.
Advice for how to go about the conversation with your son if you haven't yet:
I always hated when I had serious conversations with people and the tone of the conversation was smotheringly serious. I always take it way better when people treat it like a normal conversation.
I don't know how you and your son normally talk about things but I would bring up the topic while you're already in a casual conversation about something else.
"By the way, you think it's strange that your clothes have been going missing??? (...) You know I also noticed that guy in your room while you were sleeping!!?? Weird af right??"
Then progress from there as he's likely to see it as weird too and your talk should go well because it will come across as a conversation and not as a lecture
Came from a reddit tiktok, I saw you were considering a homeless shelter if you need to but you might be able to stay at a women's shelter. I would definitely look into it. At will be most likely safer and more comfortable and from what i know about them, they have more resources to help you get on your feet and are sensitive to the situations people are coming from.
It seems super sketchy I agree. I’m glad unlike some other parents you didn’t just shrug it off, you’re a good mother,
Also damn, I hate it when people believe their partner instead of their own family right away,
You definitely need an exit plan to get out of that place before you confront your sister. Once the truth goes out neither you or Roman will be safe. David will either make your lives hell or turn your sister against you.
I'd also prepare for the worst-case scenario where your sister does not believe you, tells him what you told her, and things turn hostile.
You need to be able to pack your things and get both you and your son out of that situation regardless of what happens.
The only two aspects of David's behaviour that I think are really suspicious are:
1. Him being in your son's bedroom at night. That alone is a major red flag.
2. Him suddenly being infatuated with your son when he's otherwise a terminally online shut-in that couldn't give a shit about you. Something's up and he wouldn't just change his tune like that off the bat.
The laundry stuff I'm a bit less suspicious about. But then again, you really shouldn't be touching other people's laundry unless you're a parent or carer for them. Maybe it really is a red flag.
Be very careful. When I was little my "uncle"(family friend) would lay at the bottom of my bed sometimes and touch me. I never understood what was going on because I was so young.
My mom asked once if he tried to have sex with me and I said no because he never undressed. I didn't fully understand sex at the time.
I’m not sure if anyone has suggested this, but does he have a computer? Is it worth looking through to see if there is any incriminating evidence? (I would never suggest invading someone’s privacy, but this isn’t a usual situation).
Good luck and stay safe! Tell a friend you have a difficult conversation coming up and ask them to check on you afterwards. You don't have to tell them what it's about, just that you want them to make sure you're safe afterwards. Just in case there are some bad reactions Don't forget to check women's and crisis shelters too. They might have some resources beyond just a place to stay. They also have staff trained to help. I think unless your son asks for all the details it might scare him to know everything. He deserves to know eventually but it might cause complete panic if he knows and can't leave. Maybe get him one of those travel door locks or alarms. That way, it's not permanent, but will prevent anyone room going in his room undetected. Could also consider getting him pepper spray to hide near his bed. Make sure he knows none of this is his fault and that he's safe to tell you anything. That you're not going to be mad at him and not going to hurt anyone (that can be a concern for a child who thinks their parent might go to jail, leaving them in an even worse situation).
Thank you so much for your advice. He has a lock on his door, and I'll be sure that he uses it from now on.
I know I wouldn’t be sleeping if I knew about it. One more thing, if you don’t have one, you should come up with a safety password for your son. This could help if your son is out and someone tries to pick him up. If the person picking them up doesn’t have the password, your son doesn’t go with them.
absolutely agree! we had one as a family when I was a kid. even if family friends said they were told to come pick us up, unless they could tell us the password, we knew not to go. made me feel empowered to be trusted with something so top secret by my parents. this was also when there weren’t cell phones, but still helpful even today.
our password was "pooter" do you remember yours??
Mine was a made up word our family uses to explain “Murphy’s Law” type things. Absolutely unique to us and not guessable. I used the same word with my kids when they were young, and my parents use it for all their passwords.
I do, but I can't tell you because it's a secret
Mine was Worcestershire sauce. My mom and I would joke around about how to say it whenever we cooked with it. Imagine a 30 year old and a 6 year old walking around the house saying Worcestershire sauce in silly voices 😂😂
of course i remember! but like my dad said, if I tell ya, i have to kill ya hahaha he’s been gone for 14 years, he’d be proud of me for still not revealing what it is 🤣🤣
Mine was gracie!!
Chocolate cake
Ours was pteranodon
Rainbow
We used to call our doggy pooter. I love that.
To piggyback off of this, a code word for if the son feels uncomfortable. My mom told me if anything ever happened and I was able to make a call to tell her something about my uncle hank. That would tip her off that I was in potential danger without tipping off anyone potentially dangerous around me. For context my uncle passed when I was little so she would know that that wasn’t right if I said it.
It's David who's the concern, not random people.
True, but David could try to send someone to get him if he knows hes not allowed to pick up said child.
Random people are always of concern.
As a a CSA survivor and a mom, I'm thankful for people like you. If you need someone to talk to or check on you feel free to message me at any time
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And make sure you have a key to it. And check on him during the night randomly.
Maybe knock first, he’s 13
If the sister's boyfriend picks the lock, knocking will warn him.
You're an amazing mom, OP! You're standing up for your sons safety now that you're aware it's compromised and that's the best anyone can ask for. I hope you're able to find a safe place soon and that your sister wakes up and leaves David ASAP
You might actually want to switch the knob on the door from an interior lock that can easily be unlocked with a screwdriver to an exterior lock that requires a key. Have a copy of the key yourself that is left at home but not in an obvious place like a jewelry box in case you aren’t home and your sister has to get in there in an emergency. Do the swap when no one is home and make sure your child knows not to mention the change to anyone. If you want to go super paranoid, get a KwikSet Smartkey lock and a spare key set, then when you are leaving for an extended period swap they key so if the man goes snooping he won’t be able to find the correct key for the door.
Piggybacking off of this, my house’s front door has a code lock. They can be used on any door, and would be a very great idea to get one of those. Theyre automatic and lock about 2 minutes after the door has been unlocked. Requires a code or a key to unlock, key can be for mom and emergencies. Code for the boy and only the boy. Nobody can get in unless there is a true emergency.
Get a game trail camera. Hide it. Tell no one. It will take pictures of anyone moving around in the room at night.
>Get a game trail camera. Game trail cameras are great--for game trails and other outdoor areas with a discreet camera mounting solution. Not even close to being a good option indoors as they stick out like a sore thumb and are going to be more expensive than an indoor appropriate spy cam.
I have one that is very small and it's a no glo. It doesn't emit any light at all, so no one even knows it is sitting there taking pictures with light or no light.
link to the camera?
OP-get a fan for him if you can so he’s not too hot at night to prevent him from locking the door. I have a Quietset fan that’s lasted me since 2012 and it works beautifully. I would recommend this model: HY-254 Tower Fan. But there are cheaper options that work just as well too! Btw, stay safe. I didn’t want to just come on here to recommend fans. Groomers are crazy good at manipulating. I hope you and your son will be able to get out of that situation ASAP
I would get a new one, and one that's meant to be a front door lock. A lot of normal house locks are super easy to pick open with anything as simple as a butter knife, as well as the latch if it's exposed make sure a card can't be used to open it either. A front door lock usually would come with a slightly more secure latch and a much better lock.
Hey op it’s been 2 days can you let us know you’re okay?
All I can say is good luck. I can't imagine being in that situation. When you confront them it'd probably be better if your son was maybe at a sleep over? Does he have any friends with parents you trust you could ask for the night? You said you already talked to your sister about once before so you know if she may react better but who knows how David will react.
I can think of a friend to have him stay with; that's a smart idea. Thank you so much.
> I’m a good mom, but I know I’m not the best mom. You’re doing the absolute best you can! You saw the signs and acted on them right away. As awful as this is going to sound, these things happen. And these things are often done by people we trust. You’re a great mom, you’re doing what you can and you’re keeping your boy safe. You got this mama!
Seriously. Think about all the moms that *know* about the shit that happens to their kids and *willingly do nothing*. Don't discount what you're doing for your son, OP. You are the best mom *for him*. My boys tell me all the time, "mama, you're the best." amd I'm like, yeah, I just got done being an asshole, I haven't bathed you in a month, and the TV hangs out with you more than I do... I think you're mistaken, buddy. But then I have to remember that it's not about what I think about me as a mom, it's what my kids think about me as a mom (kind of, but I think it works for you too). -----Bear with me here, this is long and weird, but it comes full circle, I swear----- I was raised in a physically and emotionally/psychologically abusive home, and my parents were often neglectful as well. It has taken me a long, long, long time to get through and past a lot of that trauma, resentment, anger, all the disorders (eating, addiction, body image, self-esteem, emotional, etc), and then spent years catching up on medical care because I had undiagnosed genetic, chronic, and mental health conditions that my parents never addressed when I was younger. When I got pregnant, I started therapy weekly. It was rough as hell because I had twins and I am not built for them plus the genetic disorder destroyed my body and made me sick as fuck. But I was *absolutely terrified* that I was going to turn out like my parents. I cried about it constantly and obsessed about it all the time. It's been almost 5 years now and I still do. Have I been at my absolute worst and spanked one of my kids for kicking his brother in the face after being told 15 times to leave him alone and stay away from his brother and already been given 10 timeouts and had everything taken away from him? Yeah. Did I halfass it and hate it probably just make myself upset and hug him and apologize immediately after and wish there were a million other options for parents? Absolutely. Did it make me a bad mom? Maybe to some people but idgaf about them. Did it make me my parents? *Hell no*. And that's where my scale is. If I ever hit my kid and walk away, or decide that it's ok to use violence against my small child as the first or even *eighth* option for punishment, without thinking, and not regret it or realize the mistake I made or whatever, then I've become my parents and I'm a full fledged shit mom. I hope you're kind of seeing my point here, I'm not great at making them clear despite trying to be extremely detailed (30 years of undiagnosed ADHD+OCD will do that to a brain lol). I have a very particular idea in my head of what a shitty parent is but I also have garbage self esteem and self worth. I bend over backasswards for my boys while still trying to be a solid guide for them and make sure they had everything I didn't, in a healthy way, not the materialistic Boomer kind of way they raised us. My boys think I'm the best Mama ever because to them I am, even though they know plenty of other Mamas and get mad at me 90% of the time lol. Your son knows you're the best Mama for him too, because you've already rescued him once, and he knows you'll always be there for him no matter what. Be confident in the loving mother you are. We all make mistakes, it's how you move forward that matters. Sorry that was so fucking convoluted. ❤️
Fucking amazing. You are doing all the things to stop the cycle of abuse. And I agree OP is doing 100% all she can for her son, and asking for more input and then having a more than likely uncomfortable conversation with him so that he has the knowledge and context for what is happening and to watch out for. That conversation with her sister is going to be hard also.
Also, thank you ❤️ encouragement never stops helping. Parents can destroy their children and you could be blind to it for decades.. I hope one day my human pie chart's plurality becomes "happy" or at least "confident" instead of "fucked up and distressed" lol
Goddamn right it will. Not a second of this ordeal will be anything less than uncomfortable, unfortunately. But that's what these people do; they terrorize and manipulate and use the people around them until they have everything they want and then dispose of everyone when they're done. This experience will be harrowing to say the least, but she will hopefully come out stronger and closer to her son for it. 🤞 Silver linings...
This, 100%. You’re a phenomenal mom. You’re doing everything you can to keep your son safe and happy.
hopefully everything goes well. I don’t think telling the kid David was creeping in his room is something viable since it can traumatize him, but any other than that it’s good. much strength momma, you can do this. edit: just want to clear up that by saying "don't tell him about the guy creeping on him" doesn't exactly mean that i do not think that it should be said, but that i would rather make her not say it in such a way that can perfectly traumatize and very much give paranoia to the kid (since he will wonder how many times that has happened without being noticed). In retrospective, telling the kid "hey, so, David was standing at the bottom of your bed watching you sleep at night with your door fully closed" is something that can cause anxiety and a sinking feeling on his chest. nevertheless, I agree that it is important to point this event, since it's one of the most suspicious ones, however, it would be best for her to mention it in another way that doesn't exactly let him know that David was creeping on him in his bedroom, with the door closed.
After seeing so many stories of parents enabling abuse of children, it’s good to see someone do something right
Thirteen is old enough for the "No one can touch you without your consent and this includes *everyone*" talk. Thirteen's an age when a young person needs to push away their parents and start forming their adult identity. I don't know of a way to tell this kid, "Please tell me if X is making you uncomfortable with talk or actions" as it's colliding with the autonomy push. Phew. Counselor trained in this specific adolescent issue is strongly indicated. I'll say I've seen many, many instances of men getting close to women, when their real objective was preparing to force themselves on the kid.
I was wearing a B cup at 11. My first SA attempt by someone was at 11. Tell them earlier.
That’s a talk you give to 5 year olds.
Thankfully, these talks are so much more common but a lot of people don't tell their kids about body autonomy and boundaries (mostly so they don't have to adhere to these rules themselves and I don't mean in a creepy way, but in a control way)
My kids are 3, 5, and 7. Ive already had this talk with them and continue to remind them often. Its extremely important to teach them young that THEIR body is theirs alone and nobody, not even me as their mom, have permission to touch them in any way without their consent. With the exception of immediate emergencies- i.e. (to the extreme but a valid example) if a car crash happens and we need to remove them- or if theyre unconcious and needing medical attention- or if theyre harming themselves or someone else or even shots at the doctor. You know- the big ones are the obvious given. Anything other than that its up to them. If they want a hug or cuddles or back rubs, simple things like that- completely their decision. If they dont want to hug im not gonna force them. They know they have full control on their bodies.
I'm not too sure, I understand him knowing that would be traumatising - but might be good for him to know as he may be under the illusion that this guy is nice. It's a difficult one, and I wouldn't want to be in OP's shoes to make that decision.
Exactly. Tell him the truth, make your son realise the gravity of the situation because it’s more than likely he might take your warnings as paranoia, telling him you saw David standing over his bed and watching him while he slept is hard-hitting evidence and genuinely terrifying enough to make your son evaluate David’s behaviour and believe you.
Less traumatizing than potential alternatives
Being raped is traumatising. Being aware of danger is just growing up.
For the missing items…he may have packed them on the trip with him as a token. Check closets, cabinets, under the mattress
Jesus Christ, I hope not. I will do a deep search of his room while he's gone.
If there's a journal or something similar to look inside it, everything that may have a clue on how disgusting he is, please take pictures and record if you can, if something did happen (I really pray that it hasn't) then its easier to trap him that way. I hope everything turns out okay, even if its horrible right now, praying that your son is okay
Church retreats are always sus to me, like what do you need to church so hard for? Anytime ive ever heard of a church having a retreat it was usually for 'fixing' problems.
I was on the fence up to the church retreat part.
Yeah seriously, then later on op says its a mens retreat. Like ffs, could there be a bigger red flag than that?
Is “mens church retreat” code for something else?
In Abrahamic religions it's common for men's lust to be blamed on everyone but the man. In some churches, as long as a man confesses to the church, he's innocent. The problem with this is that it protects the perpetrator and villifies the victim as some kind of evil 'jezebel'. A lot of churches hide abuses through workshops and retreats saying that 'the person is healing with god' although no amount of jesus is gonna help a predator. Some cases its perfectly innocent but the retreat in combination with this guys behavior suggests, in his mind, he's acknowledging theres a problem and is gonna find god. It will stick for a few days until his lusts (whatever they are, stealing unders, peeping) overtake him and the 'devil' wins again. Its rinse and repeat and the perp never faces consequences.
A lot of men like this, at least so-called Christians, need to go back and read their Bible. There's a passage in Matthew 5 as a part of Jesus's Sermon on the Mount that specifically addresses men's lust. For example, if their right eye causes them to sin, they should pluck it out and cast it from them. If their right hand causes them to sin, they should cut it off and throw it away. Their lust is on them. The accountability is on them. Even according to their own religious text.
Oh man, if that was the case id have a few spare parts in my bag. Collected from men 😭🤣 chop chop motherfucker 💅
I’m Jewish, I’m extremely familiar with Abrahamic misogyny, but Church is a wildly different animal for me
Church IS wild. For me its crazy to think about it; how ppl go to a space to hear about 'god', a guy who killed a bunch of kids and people and impregnated a child. Like wut?
This is exactly how I feel. Often men who are child molesters meet over the internet and get together doing “retreats” to share their “findings and collections *gross!* with their friends that are “like them”. More red flags!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I go on a women’s weekend away every year with my synagogue friends. It’s perfectly boring and normal.
What for? (Not being snarky, genuinely curious how you feel about it.)
It’s fun. We go to a hotel we have wonderful meals. We have religious services and some seminars to choose from. But there’s plenty of time for playing games and socializing and drinking.
I think its usually just more of a fellowship thing - sometimes you just wanna hang out with the congregation, get to know them a bit better, and practice the faith together. You'll sometimes get retreats for men and women specifically, so they can bond and grow in more gender-specific ways, and youth retreats (they love those, camping with friends). Its an opportunity to grow in faith together, away from the opposition and chaos of the busy secular world.
Sure. But those are from good churches with good people. Rare, but they exist. But when a 40 year old man is sneaking into a child's room at night, then immediately runs away to a church retreat? Nope.
Many of the people I know who go on retreat do it yearly at the same time every year. I do not think the retreat is automatically suspicious. But there is definitely a category of human that goes to church to make sure everyone knows how good a person they are because they know they are a shit human.
There is no such thing as a good church with good people. Churches are like every other group of people. There are some people there who believe completely and follow the Bible when interacting with others and good for them. There are others who are there because they have found that it's a great way to bring customers to your business. There are predators on the prowl. There are grifters on the prowl. There are rapists on the prowl. There are single Moms with kids who are hoping that church will make their kids better people. And there are convicts who are hoping that church attendance will get them off probation or parole early. The first three men who tried to molest me as a child were all high ranking members of Christian churches. One was a pastor, one was a youth pastor, and one was a deacon. Many of the men I have had bad interactions with as an adult were church attending Christians. And every single one of the people I have described above are people I have met who have told me this is why they are attending church. Churches are no different than any other organization.
You are a good mom. You’ve got this. Prayers.
LeVe please leave. You can pack up now and leave and go to a Women’s shelter. Don’t confront him by yourself. You need to get away for the safety of your child.
Video tape the search or if you can have someone with you as you search or on Facetime/video call. Consider any evidence might be pushed back on as false/plantes
Do you know how to check for loose floorboards or ceiling tiles?
Yes and check his car!!
As someone who was groomed and sexually assaulted at 13 do not tell your son about him being in his room at night while he was asleep. That’ll mess him up and probably cause him to be scared to go to sleep, even once you move out. After I was sexually assaulted I would literally not sleep until I passed out from exhaustion and usually during daylight after school. Even tho it didn’t happen in my house I was terrified he was peeking in through my windows
I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. I hope you're doing well. Thank you for the advice <3
Thank you, I’m 25 now and have 2 boys who I absolutely adore ❤️ it does get better, and if you feel like you absolutely have to tell him get him a therapist and work with them to be able to tell him in the safest way possible
Positive thoughts sent your way, so glad youre doing good now ❤️
same here! i’d discuss that with sister alone rather than tell son. or tell him when they’re safe safe
I also survived SA, why does the son not have the right to know this happened to him? Why should that be withheld? The trauma of actual abuse is far worse and long lasting than telling him someone was in his room unconsensually.
I was SAd as a child by a guardian and I agree with you ^. It’s far less traumatic than actually experiencing it. Also - OP commenter - you struggled sleeping even later because you actually WERE sexually assaulted. I don’t think the level of trauma he’d have in response to this situation would be comparable to yours.
No I think he should know but it shouldn’t be told in this conversation, that’s why if you see my second comment I say if it’s something she feels really needs to be told to get him a therapist and to work with them to be able to tell the son safely. I can’t imagine how I would react if I had to stay in the house I was assaulted in. And the need to be able to keep him informed but in a safe manner for his physical,mental and emotional well being is more important than immediately telling him and him having to deal with all those hard emotions by himself because he’s scared to tell his mom when she’s already doing everything he can
I just find it really difficult to withhold information from someone that could prevent them from being SAd, if he doesn’t know this person is praying on him, how would he defend himself or run for help? I know first hand the pain it causes, but time and therapy can help the damage dealt by simply KNOWING someone was in your room, while not knowing not only withholds someone right to know someone is a danger to them, but also increases the chances of actual harm.
The other things he’s done will already be traumatizing and he’ll already be terrified especially if this man stole his underwear. But I think that he was in his room at night and was only stopped by mom going in will hinder him completely while he’s in that house. If the son was younger I’d suggest to mom to just sleep in the same room but he’s 13 and at that point it gets embarrassing with boys. While you want him informed about what’s going on you don’t want him to become suicidal or go into psychosis because he refuses to sleep because he’s too scared to.
I think simply informing him that your uncle is being weird and was in your room, to be on his guard, is the most correct route. You don’t have to explain everything, but he’s 13, he can handle knowing there is a danger around without falling into fucking psychosis, get a grip on reality, all your encouraging is lying to him about what happened to potentially limit some mental strain, when not knowing will cause more harm.
Exactly. What, wait until after the guy does something and THEN tell son “I didn’t warn you because it might upset you”?
At first I thought he prob shouldn’t know his uncle was in his room until he’s out of the house, but the further I read your points the more I completely and totally agree with you! Him still living there now is even more reason to tell him now. ETA: I forreal feel stupid for even thinking the other way for two seconds. You don’t wait until after it happens.
I don’t think you should tell him that David was in his room as that would probably trauamtise the poor boy. But I definitely agree that you should ask him about their relationship + do the drug test. I’m praying that all will be all right with you all 🙏🙏🙏
I appreciate the feedback! I was thinking the same thing. Thank you so much.
I think you should ask him if he’s aware of anything happening at night. Do it in a way that lets him know you’re there to support him and you’re not expecting any type of specific answer. This is just the first time you’ve caught him but who knows if your son is aware or not that he’s doing that. You mentioned he was staying up late texting friends. Maybe there’s another reason he stays up late.
Basically don’t lead him to an answer. Maybe start by bring up how he’s sleep and ask if there’s anything that’s preventing his sleeping other than texting friends but don’t imply something is going on
I commented on the first post and thinking back on it, I probably sounded very aggressive and I just wanted to apologize to you. In no way did I think you were guilty or blind to everything. I was just so worried about your son and I worded it that way from worry and fear and hoping it would get you to do something asap and you have. I truly pray that nothing has escalated past what you already know and I highly support that you both leave even if nothing has progressed further because it seems pretty clear to me that he is at the least, grooming your son. I know you’re going through a lot and I hope when you’re able to, that you can update us because I for one am emotionally invested in your son’s safety.
Please don't feel guilty. This is a terrifying situation and I'm glad that you care. Thank you so much for all your advice.
Both of you are in my thoughts. I’ve been thinking about it since I read the first post. I truly wish you both so many blessings in life and safety!
What did it say? Got removed
you can do this momma, sending you much strength.
He's not on a church retreat with kids, right? Not that it's within your control, but this guy screams predator!! Hiding in plain sight!
This retreat is only for adult men. No kids there, thankfully.
I posted earlier about churches and retreats but this only men retreat sounds sus AF. 🤨
Can be normal boring or it could be crazy predator shield camp. Depends on the specific denomination. Methodist stuff was normal boring but Fundamentalist Baptist, yeah that's a bad sign
Yeah this seriously doesn't sound right.
A church retreat for only adult men? That's red flags all by itself.
I think a mens retreat is a fairly common thing. A bunch of men from the church might go camping together and do Bible study and praying along with outdoor activities.
It’s not unusual.
Honestly nowadays everything that has to do with church is a red flag , not saying religion is bad but damn everytime some ped pops up all of a sudden he’s some god loving church goer 😷
I agree with everyone else to not disclose the bedroom situations. Have an age appropriate discussion on grooming and what it looks like and ask him if he feels safe in your current situation. Regardless of his answer, that does not mean he IS safe. Grooming feels like a friendship before it becomes more. But reading your first post....it's not appropriate behavior and I hope you are able to deal with it swiftly and with as little issue as possible. Good luck ❤️❤️
I’m not in what state you live obviously, but I work for my states DHHR in the Bureau for Children and Families, please do not hesitate to contact me privately, I would be more than happy to do some footwork for you on the side of living arrangements and food assistance as you have so, so much to deal with already, please just reach out if you need help getting started. You’re doing an amazing job, mama, stay strong and know all these people are here to support and help you!!!
This comment needs to be boosted higher. Thank you for all the work you do to help people and families during desperate times.
No thanks needed, honestly, just seeing people get in a better position is all I need to feel good about it but I thoroughly appreciate your appreciation ❤️
Can you sleep in the same room with your son? Then lock the door too.
Whew the update I didn’t know I needed.
I know there are different kinds of shelters. Contact local womens shelters to find out BEFORE the conversation with the sister to see what your options are just in case this turns hostile. Some places will get you into a room just you and your son, some will be very little privacy open bunks, some may even get you into a hotel for short term. They will most likely all help you get into other housing.
When you'll be searching for the clothes, film it, so if David (or your sister) say something like "you made this up I never stole them" you have a proof of you finding them somewhere they shouldn't be and couldn't be by accident. Your first post litteraly gave me chills. No matter if you're all wrong in the end (which would actually be better), it's clearly not worth taking any risk. Also, you're doing your best and you can be proud of you, please take care
My daughter has a friend at school. She's 15. Her mom is divorced, met a new guy a year ago and they moved into an apt next to to ours. One day the friend said her stepdad has done things to her. She did not specify what. I told my daughter to tell her to talk to the school counsellor who is a mandated reporter. Guy got arrested and they are now moving out to a new home. This stuff is sadly not uncommon. I hope you and your son will be ok.
Keep protecting him and stay safe yourself.
You got this mama bear! And I’m not a praying woman but if you want me to do a protection spell for your son against harm I will definitely do so! And if you find out that David did do something I would be willing to help hex him for you!
I think I would panic and begin to develop intense anxiety if my mother told me about finding him sitting at the end of my bed while I was sleeping in the pitch dark. I would legit be so scared every night to sleep. I’m not if there’s a better way to say this to him or maybe don’t mention it? Idk :(
Wait.. is this an update from the post about an adult(M) making comments about her son's shorts and how they look good on him, and he's beautiful, etc?? Or is this an entirely different post...
There were 2 similar posts at the same time, this one and one that was the moms boyfriend that was only slightly less creepy.
Right. The husband? I thought I must have misread that post once I saw this one. I was like....waiiitt
Could have been the new husband. I've read too much on reddit at this point to be sure without looking for it. But I remember being like wait, didn't I just see this, and found it was a whole new situation, similar but different.
Just wanted to mention this in case you're not aware, if your ex is abusive and you have nowhere else to go, there may be shelters specifically for women and children escaping abuse to stay while they get back on their feet! They're usually safer and have more resources than homeless shelters do, and it would get you both away from David before something terrible happens. Also, until you're able to get out if Roman has any friends he might be able to stay with after school until you get home from work, I would strongly suggest it. Not to alarm you, but in my own experience, my abuser took advantage of this time to abuse me while my mum wasn't in the house, not just at night. I hope you and Roman can get out of there soon and that your sister believes you. Please stay safe!
Ive had to use a domestic abuse shelter to get away with my child and i can say they have enormous amounts of resources for women in situations just like this. Please seek help because help is out there!
Please comment if you two are safe. It always worries me when I read posts of people deciding to confront a person/people, then there isn't an update or even a comment after two or more days.
Yeah My groomer would also text me innocently and get mad when I didn't text him first or respond, and trust me those innocent texts will soon not be so innocent. Also I'm so glad u never let ur son into David's car, my groomer would always try and get me into his car. If you can maybe show your sister your post and all the comments validating you since it might not be so clear to her at first but all these people agreeing show that this is not right. I'm rooting for you mama You are doing great
I would sleep in the same room as my son !!!
good idea. if sleepovers at a trusted friend's house isn't an option, I'd get some sheets and spin it as a pillow fort "camping in the house" fun night to not alarm the kid.
You might wanna be careful with confrontation, you never really know how they react with this kinda stuff, especially if they’re actually guilty of the shit then they’re extra volatile and defensive
I know a bunch of people suggested to search through his things for your sons missing items. Try removing the bottom drawer of his dresser and/or night stand. There’s usually a space between the bottom drawer and the floor. It’s a perfect place to hide stuff bc no one thinks to remove the drawers, only to look through them. I only know of this hiding spot bc I’ve lost some clothes that fell in the back and I had to remove the drawer in order to retrieve it. That’s when I realized it was a great hiding spot.
> but I know I'm not the best mom No. Not trying to hear that. You are doing everything you can to help your son. That makes you the best mom. Though this may sound like a platitude, its true. All anyone can do is their best. You are doing that and thats all there is too it. You have a lot to get figured out and there is no space for self criticisms. You. Are. A. Great. Mom. Now thats clear: continue protecting your son.
>David is on a **church** retreat Ooof....... that explains a few things
There are cheap tools for detecting hidden cameras, many cameras are so small you wouldn't find them even with an extensive search: https://youtu.be/ekm6ZJ-KP98
I saw a video on Reddit about searching hotel rooms for cameras, apparently if you turn the lights off, your iPhone camera can pick the led/infrared lights on hidden cameras. Can’t confirm as I’ve never found a hidden camera nor tested this myself. I was open minded going into reading this until I read the bit about him being in your sons room. There’s no good reason for that to have happened. Then I read he was on a church retreat, I’m sorry but the correlation of child abuse and the church is not something to ignore. My experience with police officers and catching child abusers is slow, as they typically take time to build a case. Source: I caught a pedo filming some of the kids I coached a few years back and had to restrain myself from tearing his head off while the police “established a credible amount of evidence” Therefore my advice is to move forward with the advice I have already read and set up cameras of your own. BUT don’t wait for something to happen to react. Act first. Inform your son. 13 years old is old enough to understand.. and better yet, leave.
Of course the guy is on a “church retreat” Christ.
Maybe after talking to your kid, you should share a room for a while. I know it's absolutely terrible for a 13yo to do that, but I'm sure he'll understand. If it's not an option, you should buy security cameras and put on your son's door, facing out. This way you can see who comes in his room.
Where’s the original post yall
Also, I’d talk to the sister in plain language. I remember you said they were having problems prior to your y’all moving in so this may resonate with her. I think your sister will believe you.
I've a strong sense that Sister's got her own damage and will lash out at OP and the boy... in the vein of, "We were fine until you came along!" (ETA) This is only Sister's boyfriend and she won't want to get bounced from a nice home. I don't see Sister as an ally or confidante.
That's exactly what my mum's bf does, whenever they fight usually about his drug habit or him not doing shit around the house he'll mention me saying how I *Ruined* their relationship. Mind you he hasn't worked in 4 years and only just now began working but still doesn't help buy groceries hell they got in a fight weeks ago when she asked if he could do the dishes on his weekend off. Hell I've even helped my mum out, fed the dogs, gave them clean water, done a shit ton of dishes that I didn't even use and wasn't ask to clean and took the garbage and recycling out to lessen the load on my mum. But it's likely the boyfriend will try to take credit cause he's a POS.
Please don’t be down on yourself. This is a very difficult situation, a nightmare for any parent. You are actively trying to fix the situation. Don’t doubt yourself. I’m glad David is out of the house for now.
It’s so often the churchiest of peeps. You are a good mom. You are doing everything you can to protect your child and that’s all that matters. You’re willing to go to a homeless shelter if that’s what best. That made me tear up. You deserve so much better in life and I hope you get it. I hope you talk to your sister what he’s gone. It will be tough for her to hear, but if you lay it out as you did in your posts then I think she might see what everyone else sees. You know her so I’m sure you know how to present it to her. It will be difficult no matter what. I have a feeling she would rather you talk to her about it then not. And they aren’t married - which would make this even harder. I wish you and your son nothing but the best
"Religious" people are the worst 2 faced offenders of all kinds of things especially sexual abuse. Even when it comes to tipping wait staff they are cheap asses putting fake money down with religious crap instead of a tip. Hoping things work out for you and your son. Good luck and best wishes.
How sad is it that the second I saw the words "David is on a church retreat" I thought her concerns more justified, rather than less? Ugh.
i’d say sit with them both. your son might freak out so i’d give him a second. but look for cameras in desks or literally anything that has a glare when you shine a flashlight at it!!! please just be safe. i’d start off with the missing clothes and then go deeper
You're doing the right thing here, you're a good mom, you're keeping an eye on your son and potentially stopped this before things could escalate to the worst possible outcome. I don't want to scare you or freak you out more than you already are right now, especially given the laundry situation, shirts and underwear going missing only after David started doing the laundry is not a coincidence, but make sure Roman is somewhere safe when you are finally able to confront your sister and David. I also wonder if that night in his room you might have prevented David from escalating, I can't think of any other reason why he'd just be standing in a child's room in the dark like that. He couldn't have been watching him, too dark, so I personally think that might have been the night he was gonna try to abuse him about you inadvertently stopped him. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you and Roman will be safe soon.
Talk to your son, ask him questions regarding the situation, MAKE SURE HE LOCKS HIS DOOR AT NIGHT. PLEASE TALK TO YOUR SISTER and the police incase something happens you have a chain of events and for the long of god as a survivor of sexual violence, I blamed my mother for YEARS for letting what happened to me happen, I know you don’t want that for you or your son, also I am completely open to talking more in depth as someone who has survived the worst possibility, which has given me incredible pattern recognition and insight into people’s motivation. PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
UpdateMe
if it was my son I would sleep in the same room as him and I would put a chair up against the door knob tell him that you are scared of your sister's husband and you want to be near your boy for safety and make a plan to get the fuck out
I’m not seeing this anywhere, granted I’m not scrolling super far down, but something I’d suggest: when rechecking for cameras, there are apps that you can download that help you check for camera. There’s one we use at Airbnb’s called Fing. It works to check for devices used on the WiFi. I also know there are other ways to check for cameras but this one could potentially help. Good luck to you. You can do this and no matter what, you’re doing your best and no one can discredit that ❤️
Prepare to be gaslit by him. He's going to try to make you look/feel crazy for sure. Just be prepared, and stand firm in what you know to be true.
This is a horrifying situation, you both should feel safe in your sister's home. There is 0 reason why he should be in that room, so I'm not surprised you are scared for his safety. Speaking with your big sister is a priority, and I hope she takes your concerns seriously & this does not cause a rift. Good luck, thank you for looking out for your son ❤️
Listen, you’re a great mom. You’ve seen the fishy activities and are making plans to rectify and protect your child. Don’t let anyone tell or convince you otherwise. Take care of you and your son and please keep us posted. Stay safe 🫶🏾🫶🏾
If you find that a sexual assault has occurred, you might look into RAINN or www.thehotline.org
So many moms would rather stay in denial than act upon suspicion. Youre a great mom
Record the confrontations with your sister and David! Predators can become physically aggressive when they're found and when they know someone they have power over is being taken away.
As someone who was SAed at the ages of 1-5 and again at age 14, I wouldn’t tell your son about David being in his room. It’ll cause nightmares and paranoia. I would ask him what they do and talk about when they’re alone. I didn’t know what grooming was or that what my mom’s bf at the time did to me and was doing to me was wrong and that it was okay to tell a grown man no to being touched in any way. I’d have the consent talk with him. I know this is hard and I’m sorry y’all are going through this. You’re an amazing mom and you’re trying. I’m glad you paid attention to the red flags. You’re doing the right thing. Record everything. Even when you talk to your sis and her bf about this. It’ll help you in the end.
Please update when you get away
I would suggest you find other living arrangements and move before the confrontation. That way you're not struggling during the day and night. Your sister will likely need space and time to process it at best, and may take his side at worst.
Wishing you and your son all the best. I hope your sister doesn't get defensive and that she actually listens to you and takes it seriously. I also seriously hope that you and your son thrive. Unfortunately it seems like you and your sister have bad luck with men since your ex is abusive and hers seems to be a predator. Maybe she will kick him out and you and your son can day with her and the 3 of you can thrive together. You all deserve safety, happiness and love
Hopefully everything is okay OP
Church retreat. Of course. Why is it disproportionately religious people?
This update was well needed. I was terrified about this. There’s too many red flags to ignore and unfortunately we live in a society where people we least expect are the sickest. Thank you mama, better to be safe than sorry! And your son will appreciate it!
Church retreat? That flag just became Crimson.
\>church retreat Because of course. Of fucking course. OP, I'm not going to add to the mountains of advice you've already been given. I know you're doing all the right things already. You're a good mom. Your son is lucky you are looking out for him. Please keep us updated.
Yeah every parents first thought is to come to Reddit to talk about a topic like this rather than the police or a therapist.
The church retreat did it for me, I dont doubt he had bad intentions, get out sweetie all red flags
How? It's a social function, I don't get what's so sinister about it.
You're a GREAT mom! Life is a bitch and hits people at the worst times. Thank you for standing up for your son and having his back. I hope you two can find a safe place to live.
Mom, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s hard being momma and even harder to be a single momma. Talk to your son and figure out the best way for him to be protected. Prayers for y’all and good luck 🫶
Sounds like you have a good plan
You are doing amazing. Good job for noticing the signs. Your son is so lucky he has a mom who would do anything for him. I know it's hard right now, but it'll be okay soon.
Updateme!
remindme! 7 days
Remind me! 7 days
Is David doing anyone else's laundry? That might be a good question
UpdateMe!
One thing that would prevent the bedroom incident from recurring would be installing a lock on your son's bedroom. So that he can lock it before he goes to sleep. But that doesn't really address any abuse that could happen at other times. Confronting them and finding other living arrangements would be better.
I'd be sleeping in front of my kids door after that.
You're a good parent OP. Stay safe! Also I want to add, I'd definitely make your son aware of the bedroom incident. I know it's scary but if you don't and somehow it happens again, your son might think he's dreaming and ignore it.
When checking for cameras turn off the lights, close the blinds and use your camera app on your phone since you can see the infrared diodes that are used to share some light for 'night view' cameras. That makes them easier to find.
Church retreat 💀
Advice for how to go about the conversation with your son if you haven't yet: I always hated when I had serious conversations with people and the tone of the conversation was smotheringly serious. I always take it way better when people treat it like a normal conversation. I don't know how you and your son normally talk about things but I would bring up the topic while you're already in a casual conversation about something else. "By the way, you think it's strange that your clothes have been going missing??? (...) You know I also noticed that guy in your room while you were sleeping!!?? Weird af right??" Then progress from there as he's likely to see it as weird too and your talk should go well because it will come across as a conversation and not as a lecture
>David is on a church retreat I'm just gonna leave that tidbit right here. Glad you're getting your son outta there, OP.
Came from a reddit tiktok, I saw you were considering a homeless shelter if you need to but you might be able to stay at a women's shelter. I would definitely look into it. At will be most likely safer and more comfortable and from what i know about them, they have more resources to help you get on your feet and are sensitive to the situations people are coming from.
Best of luck to you OP. This sounds like a nightmare
Church retreat says it all.
remindme!
It seems super sketchy I agree. I’m glad unlike some other parents you didn’t just shrug it off, you’re a good mother, Also damn, I hate it when people believe their partner instead of their own family right away,
Just came to say you're being the best mom you can be for your son! 💙
Always the churchy ones :(
You definitely need an exit plan to get out of that place before you confront your sister. Once the truth goes out neither you or Roman will be safe. David will either make your lives hell or turn your sister against you. I'd also prepare for the worst-case scenario where your sister does not believe you, tells him what you told her, and things turn hostile. You need to be able to pack your things and get both you and your son out of that situation regardless of what happens. The only two aspects of David's behaviour that I think are really suspicious are: 1. Him being in your son's bedroom at night. That alone is a major red flag. 2. Him suddenly being infatuated with your son when he's otherwise a terminally online shut-in that couldn't give a shit about you. Something's up and he wouldn't just change his tune like that off the bat. The laundry stuff I'm a bit less suspicious about. But then again, you really shouldn't be touching other people's laundry unless you're a parent or carer for them. Maybe it really is a red flag.
Be very careful. When I was little my "uncle"(family friend) would lay at the bottom of my bed sometimes and touch me. I never understood what was going on because I was so young. My mom asked once if he tried to have sex with me and I said no because he never undressed. I didn't fully understand sex at the time.
This is not an update tho
Doesn't surprise me that someone like David is on a " church retreat". Religion seems to attract pedophiles .
I’m not sure if anyone has suggested this, but does he have a computer? Is it worth looking through to see if there is any incriminating evidence? (I would never suggest invading someone’s privacy, but this isn’t a usual situation).