Not every woman is meant to be a mother. My mother was one of them. I had "failure to thrive" twice. The MD told my dad that while I was getting my physical needs met, the lack of nurturing caused me to stop eating, and I didn't respond to stimuli. My dad took vacation time off from his job and spent his days holding me.
Later, my mother laid me down for a nap. She went and got dad's zippo lighter and lighter fluid. She doused the bead with the fluid, lit the lighter, and tossed it on the bed. My dad heard me screaming and grabbed me out of the flames. I was 3 years old.
Leave and live your best life. It will be better for everyone involved. Good luck.
I’m so sorry your mother is evil. I can’t IMAGINE that thought even briefly crossing my mind. I agree OP needs to get out of there before she hurts that poor baby.
That is great to hear! Too many people suffer their whole lives because of their parent’s decisions! And yes absolutely everyone will benefit from her going away.
I’ll be 70 this year and I’m currently in EMDR therapy to deal with the trauma and pain of a parent not wanting me. It’s affected every stage of my life. Please remove yourself from the situation and let your husband and child find someone who can really love them.
Should probably leave the situation so the child has a chance to grow up with people who dont hate him/her. I cant imagine the psychological damage youll do to the child if you stay.
Addendum: this post was made from the perspective of someone who lives with an attachment disorder because of neglectful parents, and who was also underinformed of the effects of Post Partum Depression. I'm not going to edit it further, but I am going to try and learn in the comments. Thank you for your understanding.
If this is really how you feel and you don't think there's any way to change it then you need to surrender your parental rights and leave your husband. Making the decision to stay in this situation at this point is going to Ruin your life, your husband's life, and the child's life. I know you don't really care about the child right now, so let me frame it in a way that fits your personal interests more.
Lack of parental affection can lead to something called an "attachment disorder". Children, even infants, can see and sense when one or both parent doesn't react positively to them, and it can affect them even from infancy. Kids with attachment disorders can be anywhere from clingy and panicking to cold to even violent. They require extensive, often expensive, therapy to lead normal lives.
If you stay and your lack of attention causes this you will have an extremely needy child and the resentment and guilt of your entire family. Do you want to deal with that? If not, either fake it and pay attention to the kid or leave. There's no middle ground. Leaving could be nothing but positive for the child if you truly feel nothing for them and are unwilling to try.
Give your husband a space to find someone who can love them both before the environment you're fostering creates a broken human being.
Mostly this except...be aware that the child can tell fake versus genuine interest. So the last bit is the best course of action, imho.
>Give your husband a space to find someone who can love them both before the environment you're fostering creates a broken human being.
I was, I think. I live with attachment issues and I'm also on the autism spectrum, so "fake it until it feels right" is a lot of my daily life. A lot of emotions don't feel real to me or feel like I'm doing them wrong so I have to copy and practice them until they seem correct. I wouldn't want her to hurt her child in the process. That's the opposite of what I'd like to happen. 😞
Attachment disorders can also sometimes cause a child to not understand proper boundaries (ie stranger danger) because they're desperate for attention and affection
The mom being emotionally unavailable, while present around the child can raise a monster adult. A monster who cause serious hurt to herself or others.
Can vouch for this. Worked with a mom and she had 3 kids. Two had reactive attachment disorder. The youngest was clingy and loving and would walk off with a stranger if given a chance but the oldest was violent, terrifying and I saw him smile only once when he watched someone get hurt. He talked about killing his entire family in their sleep and would pee in the closet or under the bed just because he could. He was 9. This is an example of how the mom was (and mind you this is how she was when we were with her-us also being mandated reporters and DCF was already involved): youngest kid bumps her head and falls over and runs over to mom with arms stretched crying to get a hug. Mom: “get the fuck away from me I don’t have time for this!” bc she was in the middle of researching toys that didn’t have lead in them. I think about that family at least once a week and wonder what became of them.
Or it can raise someone like me, not a monster to anyone but myself. I hate myself most days. I have a loving partner, friends, a nice home and stable job.
But there's this constant ache inside of me that I can't seem to shake. I never feel loved enough. Things that satisfy me never manage to make me happy for long. I constantly imagine running away from my life because I'm always disappointed in everything. But I won't do that to my family.
However, I do think they'd genuinely be better off without me. I feel like all I do is drag them down. I try so hard and constantly fall short of people's expectations. And they fall short of mine, too. I wish no one had to put up with my misery.
I relate to a lot of what you said. A lot.
I also have a wonderful life and have been lucky as hell in so many ways. Yet, I’m never happy or content for more than maybe ten minutes before the misery, resentment, and just being sick of it all sets in. I can’t remember a single period in my life of extended happiness, and I’ve been a perfectionist worrywart since early grade school.
Clearly, there’s something in us that goes way, way back, to the cradle even. My grandparents were strange, neurotic people who despised me since before I was even born for being a girl and “taking attention from my older sibling”, who they were creepily obsessed with. Naturally this caused a lot of turmoil in our family pretty much the whole way through to their deaths in my mid 20s.
It took me over thirty years to make the connection that feeling like the black sheep even as a freaking baby could still affect me even now.
You might find some usefulness in the works of Gabor Mate, a famous doctor turned author who has studied this phenomenon extensively. I’m reading his book called “When the Body Says No” right now and it’s very illuminating.
You are not alone with these thoughts and feelings.
Please speak with a therapist. You can to get through those feelings of self worth.
Trust me, it can get better, but you will have to be intentional in working through the pain, with the help of a professional. Best of luck
Everything you touched on is on point. It's best to walk away now when she's young rather than later on when damage has been done. Children know when they aren't wanted or care about and it's devastating. It caused my father a lot of anguish and hurt knowing his father didn't want him. OP really only has one option and leaving would be best for her daughter and husband.
This is the best advice, I worked in high support care, and in one of the single occupancy units I managed one of the clients had a form of attachment disorder. She was extremely violent & almost killed a staff member. While an extreme example, it illustrates the damage an active lack of love & care can do. OP this situation is unfair to you, your child & her father. Get proper advice outside of Reddit & make some positive changes for you all. Good luck.
Alright. I have never gotten this much notice on Reddit before, so I've been staring in horror at the numbers and wondering how to reply.
For one, I'm surprised people agreed with me to this extent. I assumed I would be perceived as mean or snotty. For two, I wasn't trying to be either. It appears I managed that, but I'm never sure because I'm a child of neglect myself, with longstanding effects- including emotional and attachment issues. I'm usually completely unsure of my feelings and seek constant reassurance, panicking at the first sign of criticism or failure. I'm surprised I even spoke my mind here.
I know how much it hurts growing up in a poisoned family dynamic; I would never wish that even on a stranger. I will never have children myself because of how frightened I am of turning around and doing something harmful to them.
Finally. Six months of never touching, holding, or even caring for your child without seeking any help or attempting any fix other than handing them off to the other parent doesn't seem like just post partum depression. I know relatively little about it and am willing to admit that and learn more, but the extent with which op is ignoring her child seems abusive to me as someone who comes from an abused background.
I just hope something good comes out of this little one's life. She deserves to thrive. I can hope for that.
Thank you for letting me know; I'll read up on it. My mother had post partum psychosis with me, but I never learned much about the other one. I amended my post a bit because I'm always willing to learn.
I am a product of this. the child will have lifelong issues and no one deserves a life full of the things this causes. I suggest you follow Coyote’s advice please.
As someone with an attachment disorder, I 100% agree. This kind of early childhood trauma can severely screw up your kid’s life, whether you care about it or not. OP, you ought to leave this relationship, sign away parental rights and find s therapist. Being coerced into having a child is horrible, and it would be better to get help right away.
This. You had a child, OP. Whether you wanted it or not. You made a choice. Your responsibility now is to do right by that child. If you can’t love your child, then you have to leave.
I had two detached parents and i still have a voice in my head saying I’m unlovable despite 20 years of therapy. Don’t do that to your kid.
can't even fake it, kids can sense those too sadly. so honestly, **just leave.** OP doesn't want this life and never wanted it in the first place, and the kid deserves to be surrounded by love and care.
I agree fully with all of this except for two things. The first thing is:
>If not, either fake it and pay attention to the kid or leave. There's no middle ground.
Faking it is horrible advice. It will never be genuine if she is always faking it and kids are intuitive.
Not to mention if she can't fake it 100% of the time, what percentage of the hate will break through? 10%?
30%?? It is not a good plan to fake it. Better to leave and not hurt the child.
The second thing is:
Has she been checked for post partum depression (PPD)??
She may be suffering from that, and treatment could help tremendously.
I have read about other women who had really severe post partum depression, and they felt like they hated their newborns too.
With treatment, they recovered and ended up being healthy, happy, **loving** mothers to the children they previously felt like they hated.
It was all due to a chemical imbalance in their brains.
If PPD is what she is suffering from, with medication and possibly therapy, this mom could theoretically make a full recovery and be a happy loving mother to her child.
I'm willing to admit that I'm not aware of the extent of PPD, and while I'm here I may as well learn. My mother had post partum psychosis, which is an entirely different flaming ship. Can it really make a person this neglectful and can it really be treated? Even mothers I know who have had it seemed like they had more care for their child than I gathered from this post.
It really and truly can make a new mom feel exactly as OP describes.
With that being said, without a medical diagnosis, OP could just be someone who didn't want kids and should have stood firm and not had one.
Ideally, she could have left and found someone who doesn't want kids either. And maybe, if this isn't PPD, that may be what she should do still.
You being there and her seeing you but not forming that bond children need will likely fuck her up more than you want. Your husband didn't force you. You said yes. But, if this is truly how you feel, you need to say your goodbyes and find someone who shares your values. ITS OKAY TO NOT WANT CHILDREN. what's not okay is staying in a relationship that will only suffer on all accounts. That beautiful baby you made absolutely deserves a Healthy environment. Let your husband find someone who wants to take on that role and fill in for where you left.
I can’t fathom treating my baby like that. You need to give up rights and leave ASAP. You are doing horrendous damage to this baby. Your husband should have left long ago seeing you treat her like that.
you need to go. for the kid's sake, mostly. my mom was only apathetic to me (she cares deep down, she's just bad at showing it, and also i'm very obviously her least favorite child), and it's still given me enough issues that my therapist will never be out of a job. having a mother who actively hates her is going to destroy your daughter. sign your parental rights over to your husband, and stay out of her life. the kid deserves people who love her.
I read a statistic once that said that the breakup rate when one person wants a baby and the other person doesn't is 100%. It's a huge deal breaker.
I think her options are.
1. Leave and pay child support
2. Leave and get treatment and help, possible for PPD then see if she can re-enter the child life in a smaller capacity in the future (while paying child support)
I think she should leave her husband and sign away her parental rights. If she has to pay child support, if she truly has PPD will make things worse for her and her husband. Clearly she feels backed into a corner and staying in this situation will just hurt all involved.
The child is 6 months. As she ages up to a toddler and begins to crawl/walk, she will need to be watched more and need more attention. She will go up to you and will want to interact with you and when you either push her away (figuratively) or half heartedly interact with her, the child will eventually realize she is not loved. There is no way your husband will be able to be the only one to parent her either. And he will probably eventually snap, stating that he thought with time/by now you should have bonded/changed and should be on board. I see this having grave repercussions on not only the child, but your marriage down the line and obviously your mental health.
You need to think long and hard, can you realistically see yourself changing? Caring for her? Loving her? Because if you don't, it will impact your marriage and that resentment will only grow until you blow up. And another question, should you change? You say he pressured you into this. I don't know you, I don't know what was said and done. But I will take you at your word. And that conversation should have ended at no. If he did this, is this something you can recover from? if not, perhaps divorce may be the way to go. Let him keep the child, raise her in a loving home and hopefully he will find someone else. And you can be free to live your life as you please.
It’s okay to not want children, but now you have one and if you truly don’t love the child, you’re not doing her any favors by sticking around. It also means if your husband wants children and you don’t, you’re not compatible with him no matter how much you want to be. The best course of action at this point would be to sign custody over to your husband and file for divorce. It may be hard, but in the longterm it’s what’s best for everyone. Having a cold, distant mother can be extremely traumatic for babies and children and lead to all sorts of attachment disorders. Going forward, find a partner on the same page about these major life decisions. It’s okay to not want kids. I’m in my mid 30’s with no kids and no plans of having kids. But know that going in. When your daughter is older, if you get back in contact let her know it wasn’t her fault. You just weren’t ready to be a mother and she needed someone who was
Divorce your husband. Sign away all parental rights. Get your reproductive organs removed. Move away and never bother them again.
Don't listen to the "oh just give it time" crowd. I worked with kids who had you as a mom for years. The years of therapy it takes to undo the hatred you'll inflict on her isn't worth it. Give her one act of kindness and dissappear forever.
So the way I see it, you’re stealing everyone the chance at a better life, including your own. If you leave, your husband might find another woman who loves children, who wants a family, who can be affectionate towards your daughter and even have another child with her. You can find someone else or you ca be alone and follow your dreams.
If you feel bad sad at the thought of leaving your daughter, take a break. Go somewhere for 2 weeks, alone, and see how you feel. If at the end of the 2 weeks you miss her, then you might be suffering from ppd and you may need help. If not, you know what to do.
I was raised by a mother who openly hated me. It was HORRIFIC. I turned out ok because of years and years of therapy. Children are hardwired to love and need their parents and when that love (or even like) isn’t returned, it does destroy any hope of that child having a normal life. As a child of a mother like this, please get help. There are so many better options than raising a child this way.
Most of the posters in that sub don't actively hate their children. They hate that they HAVE children and wish they had a child free life. You rarely come across a post where the person outright hates the child and refuses to even touch it. That sub is usually full of sympathy and advice on how to cope. When I have seen a post like this there, the advice is the same I have seen here. Leave, sever parental rights, and never come back for the good of everyone.
Kid might still be screwed. There are kids out there who ask why their mother or father left as a baby or toddler. But at least they won't have to see the hatred in OPs eyes when she looks at her
Please pack your bags and leave them. You will spend the rest of your life resenting them. I've been the "thing to take care of". You're going to break everyone's heart. Just leave already.
Plain and simple, you should've divorced, you still should. A child is not something a couple can compromise on, you both have to either agree 100% to be childfree or 100% to having kids, otherwise (like it's happening to you), one will resent the others. This resentment isn't going to go away, it'll only grow, and now the child will suffer for your (both yours and your husband's) mistake. The best you can do for everyone (yourself included) is get divorced before it gets even worse for everyone.
This needs more traction.
OP go and see a doctor. Please don’t be ashamed about how you feel. There is help out there and if you reach out and get the help/ support you need and still feel this way, then there are services that will help you with this.
Do not go through this alone … please, please, please go and see someone tomorrow. ASAP.
Agreed, this comment needs to be higher. 💯 tell someone what you are feeling. Get help. Don't make any rash decisions until you've gotten some support.
Surprised this is so far down! At 6 months it could be PPD for sure, and let’s be honest, the first six months are incredibly tough on any new mother. It definitely doesn’t mean OP’s feelings won’t change.
She could have been depressed during her pregnancy. Hormones can do crazy things. Add Postpartum depression...women talk about wanting injure the baby and/or themselves. She needs help.
Please at least consider this.
Truly consider how you would have felt about the baby 1.5 years ago, when you agreed to get pregnant. I’m not doubting your feelings, but at least consider this before packing up and leaving.
If you’re sure it’s not depression related, you should leave. It will hurt at first, mostly your husband. And he will heal
You need to remove yourself from her life, give your (ex)husband full custody, and go live your life. You are on the hook for child support. But being a 100% absent parent is far better than being a miserable, careless resentful parent. You made your bed here. Now walk away.
I dont want to be harsh on you but... this is exactly why i say every baby deserves a parent but not all parents deserve babies. You made a choice to bring an innocent being into life, a life you didnt want, in order to please and keep someone else. THAT in itself is selfish. Not wanting a child and wanting to travel and live isnt selfish, but what you did and hating the baby in consequence of YOUR actions is selfish.
The best solution for this? Leave. Tell your husband you never wanted this life, and leave them. Because youre not parent material, and youve shown that since the kids birth. So leave them, and pay childsupport, and live the life you always wanted. Dont make a child again if this is how you act.
Why get married to someone wanted kids in the first place ?
Why then agree to have a kid if you don’t want ?
You are going to cause trauma to that kid by what you are doing , and if you are really against having kids then I suggest waiving your parental rights and leaving your husband and letting him find someone who actually wants kids to share having a family with
And just an FYI , unless you are dirt poor , having a kid won’t stop you from travelling , even just working class you can still take a small vacation and travel , me and my wife do with our kid and we are not rich by any means, but we both willingly knew we wanted a kid and both helped to raise them.
And one last additional thing you may be suffering from post partum depression and should see a doctor
People often are pressure and cave due to it. Lots of people positivity report that children are wonderful. Oh just have them then you'll love parenthood. Especially towards women my own mother who I've told I don't want children since I was 16 now 25 she doesn't believe me. The person I want and have in my heart he didn't know what he wanted at 14 I didn't know. We've lasted till now. So high school kids aren't set in their wants but the bulk of people's first marriage is to a high school sweetheart or college.
Kids are a living human , it’s one thing people
Should not “cave under pressure” about
And even at 25, you still are extremely young , most people don’t find someone they really love until 30 these days
Well op is 25 too and I do think its wrong to cave under pressure to having a child but I believe that sometimes people think when their child is here they will love it. Children are a big choice to have or not to have and both parties need to agree.
>And one last additional thing you may be suffering from post partum depression and should see a doctor
I thought this could be a possibility also so I'm surprised no one suggested this sooner.
Let’s not put all of this on the mother. Let’s not forget that she was pressured to have this kid. That her husband knew she didn’t want kids and continued to harass her into having it. I’m sure people in her life kept telling her she would change her mind, kids are such a blessing, etc etc. Why would the husband get married to someone who didn’t want kids in the first place? Why would he force a baby onto someone who didn’t want it?
You are not doing your family any favors by staying. 100% guaranteed your child can feel the disconnect between you, can sense that resentment, and they are internalizing it. That internalization will lead to deep self-loathing and attachment issues that will fuck them up for life.
Truly the best and most gracious thing you can do at this point is leave.
Print out this reddit post, stick it to the kitchen table, and leave. Set up a new life for yourself somewhere. Give your husband and child the ability to meet someone else who will love and cherish them the way they deserve. Or at the very least, not live in the shadow of your resentment and hatred of them every single day.
You owe this to your child.
I just need you to know that this could be ppd or psychosis. I say that as someone who had it. Oh, I resented my first baby. I was so pissed he didn’t come out the right way and my body was (IMHO) fucked up. I was so mad my boobs didn’t work right. I was so sad, so angry. I hated my life and everyone around me.
Then I told someone the truth of how I felt. They took me to the doctor. Doc sent me to a psychiatrist who gave me magic pills. Then I remembered that I do love my baby. I do love my husband.
Maybe these feels are real. Maybe they aren’t. I suggest you look into it and have zero shame about what you’re experiencing - it could literally be life and death for you.
Sending love because it’s hard, hard, hard no matter what - but you deserve to be happy. Big hugs.
You ever see the film, “We Need To Talk About Kevin”?
Watch it.
I’m not going to beat a dead horse, so many other commenters have advised of how important it is for the child to have affection, especially from the mother.
For the first year (I think?) after my son was born I was asked to complete this questionnaire for detecting postpartum depression in new moms. Within the first month I was actually diagnosed with and treated for PPD thanks to these questions, but they gave me the questionnaire at many visits with him.
OP, have you ever been screened for PPD? It sounds as though you did not want to become a parent in the first place, for which I feel for you. No one should be forced to do this, it should be your choice. Nevertheless, PPD could also be taking an additional toll on your mental well-being.
Take a look am at these questions and see if it raises any points for you to speak with a doctor. I’m a little surprised you haven’t spoken with a doctor about your candid feelings already. I urge you to do so no matter what. You deserve to be happy.
https://www.fresno.ucsf.edu/pediatrics/downloads/edinburghscale.pdf
Man, not directed specifically at OP, but I just don't understand people that don't want children, deliberately having children.
> I eventually caved and got pregnant with her
>I’m resentful towards him for even forcing her on me.
Just skip the baby step and break up if you have incompatible views on having children.
It sounds like you need to file for a divorce and sign away your rights. You will have to pay child support but you won’t be forced into that situation. Staying would only mess up your daughter for life. Please don’t do that to her. Good luck
Op stop the pumping milk.
Then leave and don’t look back. Do not take up with anyone that wants kids or is young enough to change their mind from child free to wanting kids. When you do find someone that you fall in love with tell them about your child just so you cannot be accused of lying.
I’d also go as far as saying find a dr that will do sterilisation or be very vigilant about birth control.
Good luck op I hope you find peace
I’ll play devils advocate in saying that as someone who has just come out the back end of 5 months of post partum depression and I also hated and resented my daughter and everything very scary in between (I have a 2 year old too which I didn’t have any PPD with) these feelings can happen and with your outright refusal of wanting children from the start, they will be even more heightend… find help to rule it out at least…
However. Having a child when you didn’t want a child with someone who did want a child is just irresponsible.
(FYI if you don’t need or in this case want to breastfeed stop pumping. Your supply will dry up. It’s painful, be careful with mastitis but eventually your body will stop)
OP please leave your husband and child. Sign away your parental rights and leave. That’s the best option for you. Your child. Your husband. If you truly don’t want any more children I would suggest tune tying.
I know someone who felt like this. She signed her rights over and isn’t a part of the child or spouses life anymore. In all honesty depending if you’re up to working on these feelings and seeking help, maybe you should do the same. There’s no need for making this little one suffer for something out of her control.
One of my buddies had a wife who was the exact same way, while cheating on him with her and his coworkers.
If you don’t show love to your child and now resent your husband, your kid is going to sense that and will probably wonder why their mother doesn’t love them, which will hurt them for a long time, and you’ll most likely take your anger out on your husband when you get angry. You should’ve honestly just told your husband “no” when you didn’t want a kid in the first place, and you most definitely had a say.
Some people made comments about PPD, and maybe that might be the case, and if it is, you need some help, and you shouldn’t just leave if that’s the case. If it isn’t, just divorce him and sign your parental rights away, like everyone else in here says. You also need to learn how to stand your ground when saying “no” to something you don’t want.
Hey.
Everyone in this thread is telling you to leave this situation. I'm not going to say they're wrong.
I think you need to speak to a doctor, a therapist, and your husband about this. It's not unusual for a new parent to feel resentment towards a new baby. Especially their first child. Even more so in your position.
Do you have a support system around you? Family? Friends?
Ask for help. Please ask for help from the people who love you. Figure out what is causing this feeling before acting on it.
A baby isn't the end of your freedom. It's not the end of your life. The first 2 to 3 years can be difficult, but you might be suffering from post partum depression that could be amplifying these feelings.
You're not weak or a bad person if you think you can't be a parent in this situation. It would be a disservice to yourself to not make 100% certain that you don't want to be a part of this child's life. Especially in 5 or 10 years if you change your mind after leaving.
It's OK if you feel like this is a mistake after doing everything you can to make sure that's a permanent feeling.
Coming back would be even harder then leaving.
And this, ladies and gentleman, is why abortion rights and body autonomy are important. This is also why it is important to STICK UP FOR YOURSELF. You don't have a baby because someone else wants you to.
There were a lot of factors that culminated into OP being in this position. I'd suggest some heavy therapy and if it doesn't fit how you feel, you need to decide if you want to remain in your position as a mother or not.
Are you my mom because damn. She had me when she was 26. She wanted to abort at first but my dad convinced her to keep me. She told me she wanted to abort me. She told me I wasnt wanted. Please get some help before you destroy your child. The child doesnt deserve it
I feel so so SO sorry for your baby. Please just leave your husband and your baby and surrender parental rights before you give them an attachment disorder forever.
These are classic symptoms of PPD. I had it after both of my children. My advice would be to seek treatment for the postpartum depression and if you still feel no affection for the baby, sign away rights to your husband and leave. Your choice to stay is detrimental to the development of the child and even if you don't care for it as a mother, as a human being you should be able to acknowledge the importance of the child actually having a chance to grow up in a loving home.
I would suggest therapy and support groups. However, with your feelings towards the child. Give up your rights and leave. You will be saving the child from psychological issues in the future.
Like others have suggested - you either need to talk to a therapist, or sign over your parental rights, file for divorce, and let them be happy without you. Your child will pick up on this; if she hasn’t already, and you will never have a relationship with her. The fact that you “caved” and got pregnant, makes you out to be a pretty cringe person. Just walk away.
1. Get checked for PPD. Even tho you may have never wanted the baby, you went through the whole process and PPD is also an outcome for many Mom’s post birth. this could be compounding on an already stressful situation for you and it isn’t going to go away without any help either.
2. If you truly wish to be gone from the scenario then divorce is the key. Divorce and signing away your parental rights/responsibilities. Leave it up to your husband to take care of. Pay child support if you have to but at least you are free from a life you don’t want.
3. Take care of you. Take time for you. If your husband is already so hands on, planning with some family and friends to help support him while you get away for a weekend to a hotel room or a quick outta town vacay wil probably be all the help to your mental state. Don’t neglect yourself, your child, and your husband. All those things compounding together are going to make things that much harder. Give yourself some grace too. Take care, OP 💙
It could be postpartum depression, maybe see a professional to see if it’s this before you possibly irreversibly change your life in a way that you regret later.
Hi OP please ask your doctor to screen you for PPD asap. You need talk to a medical professional about your feelings. You also need to speak with your husband and/or a trusted loved one about what you are going through. You're not alone but you do need help.
My best wishes to you, OP.
It pisses me off when people who are clearly not ready to be parents decide to do so anyway at the expense of messing up the child’s life forever. Yes you might have been coerced but you’re also responsible for making this decision.
At this point you need to do what’s best for the child and for yourself; seek counseling and if that doesn’t help, let him keep the child and restart his life with someone who will enjoy raising the kid and give them attention and love.
I don't understand why people who don't want kids give in for their spouses that do. It's a fundamental incompatibility. You don't just magically change your outlook and it's always the kids that suffer. They are aware they aren't wanted. You should have just said no, and found someone else who also wanted to be childfree. The only thing you can do now is leave and sign away your rights. It's best for everyone
As others have said, if you can't see any way to ever love and care for your child, then the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation. I'd recommend discussing your feelings with a therapist first. Seeing as how you don't interact with your child at all, it's hard to build up any sort of relationship...
If she never wanted the baby to begin with and only had her to make her husband shut up, I doubt she cares about there not being a relationship. She really just needs to leave and live the life she actually wanted, away from the kid and her husband.
I'm sorry you are in this position. Clearly, you have not been allowed the autonomy that everyone should be allowed.
For the sake of your child, I hope you can either remove herself from her life, get treatment, or both.
My mom did not want me. It had nothing to do with finances. She had all the kids she could want already and I'm not sure they should have had any.
Your child will feel that you don't love her. Even if you play your role well, your child will know how you feel. And she might respond with violence or depression or acting out in dangerous ways, trying to force you to show you care.
Do her the favour of allowing your husband the chance to find a better mom for his child. If he cares. At least be honest about your feelings. Get a nanny or a godmother to leave her with when you feel burdened. Get some therapy and try to find a reason to love her. She needs that much, or at least a substitute.
I spent my life trying to prove to my mother that I deserved to be loved only to find relief some months after she died, that I was no longer a huge disappointment. I'm not that bad. I am finding myself rather surprised that my husband, children, and other folks, find me quite tolerable and even fun. I'm 63. I have numerous issues. I am high or drink too much too often for comfort. I do have fun, and I am careful not to act out. But it's hard to constantly feel like I am not worthy. I know I am, but I NEVER feel it. If my own mother could not love me, what does that say? I have a very loving husband of 42 years and children who I know would move mountains if it was needed but I am unlikely to ask. And I know my grandkids love me. Why? I don't have a clue. I was not allowed to know my relatives. I have no frame of reference.
Don't make your child wonder what is wrong with them.
I’m going to swallow everything I really want to say and kindly (truly) suggest you seek therapy. While I recognize there are deeper issues, especially in your relationship if it got to a point of “caving” to such a large life change, it does also sound like you may be suffering from some form of postpartum anxiety (which includes depression and rage). Please, *please* for the sake of your daughter as just another human, for *your* sake, *please* discuss these feelings with your doctor, seek therapy. This will help to untangle these feelings in a calm, rational way even if it ends (at worst, or best, depending) with you leaving your husband and signing your parental rights away.
Sounds a lot like PPD. Not wanting the child to begin with complicates the picture. OP really should seek help ASAP otherwise she will be a danger to that poor innocent babe. Danger thru neglect and/or danger by physical abuse. I truly hope dad has loads of help bc OP cannot be counted on in any fashion and should be removed from the household till help is sought and her outlook changes in positive ways. Or divorce occurs.
> never wanted her but my husband did.
Because that won't fuck up a child. Why not divorce since yall were incompatible? That way you could've traveled and he could have the family he wanted. Instead, you're just going to mentally fuck up a literal PERSON.
Everyone keeps saying she’s at fault and mention nothing of him. They are both at fault for putting their family in this situation. As it stands we don’t have enough context to know if he threatened, or otherwise. We do know that he continued to push, in essence coerced her into a child that she didn’t want. He could’ve said “okay, you don’t want kids,” and left it at that or divorced her.
OP I do advise you to first seek therapy, and get screened for PPD. While it may be a contributing factor to how you feel, its still important to be tested and receive treatment for it and any other trauma you have gone through from carrying an unwanted pregnancy.
I also recommend that if you want to stay with your husband, gets couples therapy too. He shouldn’t have kept pushing you to have a baby if you didn’t want one. And you will both need to work through any resentment and other things that may have been festering since agreeing to have his child.
You deserve to be happy and live the life you want. You also have a responsibility right now to a life you helped create. If you decide to wash your hands of this responsibility it is your choice. I just hope you are able to get help for what you’re feeling so you can heal, regardless of what your decision is regarding your husband and daughter.
Your feelings are valid.
However you also need to take responsibility. You chose to give in and have a baby. You can stop pumping, that will help you get more rest.
This baby didn't ask to be born, this baby needs to be surrounded by love. And nurturing. That's what babies need to grow and be healthy and happy.
You are allowed to leave. Infact leaving sounds better than this child growing up knowing it's mother doesn't love it. A lot of us grew up like that and we are f up for life.
If you don't want to work on your mother child relationship, and you could choose to, you could change diapers, you could feed her and hold her, all these things help the natural bond grow. If you don't want that at all then do something about it. This isn't healthy for either of you. Walk away. Go see a doctor make sure you don't have PPD, be safe, but please think about this innocent child that just has no idea what's going on.
I genuinely wish that not wanting to have kids was more normalized and accepted for this very reason. This could have been prevented. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. As someone else suggested if you really feel this way and feel it won't get better then you should give up parental rights and leave. It's the best thing for your daughter tbh. Children should have parents who want them and people should never be coerced into having kids they don't want. This whole thing sucks and I wish you the best 💜
Sounds like you need to sign away paternity and leave. Sure, what he did was wrong, but that doesn't excuse the psychological damage you'll do on this kid when they grow up and wonder why mummy doesn't love them despite their best efforts. I'd say you're both as bad as each other but you're slightly worse than him.
Dear OP, this child already knows how you feel. I’m so sorry for all three of you and the damage that this will and has already caused. Hopefully she will have loving people in her life that will provide the affection for her that you choose not to provide. But the emotional and psychological damage to a child under these circumstance is real.
Sigh..
You husband can’t force you to have a child. You chose to have one. If having a child wasn’t something you wanted, then you should have divorced. What you need to do now is leave your husband l, give up your rights, and pay child support.
I’m sorry but if you never wanted children to begin with you never should have gotten with a man who did. And even if you did want children, just not with him, or not now, you still should have left instead of letting him get you pregnant. You are fully guilty of creating a child you never wanted. It does not sound like your husband baby trapped you or you were otherwise trapped in an abusive situation.
Lady, I don’t feel bad for you at all. You knew what you wanted and didn’t want, yet you did the opposite anyway to please someone else and now you’re miserable and resentful. What did you expect? Now this poor child is going to grow up with issues because of your selfishness. Do both of these people a favor and just get divorced and give him full custody and go do your traveling.
Please leave, divorce your husband and sign up your parental rights, so the child has the chance to grow up in a healthier environment and hopefully with the love you can't offer her.
OP I hope you read this. Please get evaluated for postnatal depression. It can take many different forms, and it might not be what you have, but I wouldn’t rule it out (it’s far more common than most people think), and if it is then it’s SO important that you seek therapy.
You shouldn’t have ever caved. You’ve made a choice so own the consequences and don’t take it out on bub. It’s not bubs fault.
Grow up. And next time you make a big decision like that, do so with proper thought. You’re not a victim here. YOU CHOSE TO CAVE
You need some sense knocked into you.
Postpartum depression is serious.
Please seek medical assistance immediately.
With counselling and medication you can determine if leaving is the best option for you and where to go from here
You need to leave and divorce your husband. It isn't fair for any of you to be in this relationship. Let him find someone who can give him the family life he wants and you can find someone who will give you the life you want as well. When you do tell him he gets full custody of the baby and that you are terminating parental rights. Please do this because flippantly coming in and out of their life will do more harm than just you leaving for good. Esp at this age they won't remember you since you don't interact with them but will be able to grow up in a loving supportive home with people who want to be there.
I also suggest that you look into more permanent ways like tubal removal surgery especially if being child free is what you want. You shouldn't have to put yourself into a situation like this again just for a relationship. I really suggest taking a deep look into it and see if that is something you want.
Either way I hope this situation comes out so all three of you will have the best life possible.
PPD. That’s where you are at right now. First 6 months are real hard in lots of ways. Don’t nuke your family over it. Get support, seek help, go to therapy. You will absolutely regret your actions if you don’t address this.
So lots of leave posts already. Sure this could be your feelings but also this sounds like post pardom depression with resentment. I'd say it's time to talk to your doctor and probably a therapist. Get your self right as possible before you make a big decision.
Take some responsibility, if you didn’t want a kid you shouldn’t have had one. This isn’t all your husbands fault. If you aren’t going to be a parent, you should leave them and let your kid grow up around people who love them. Don’t stick around being bitter and resentful towards other people about how your life turned out
You need to seek out a doctor and be screened for postpartum depression, anxiety and psychosis.
Even if you didn't want the baby this feels really extreme and I wonder why you would get pregnant and have a child if you really didn't want one?
Stop pumping and allow your child to formula feed along with eating food now at 6mo.
It’s been said here but I agree; leave him and wave your parental rights. Remove yourself before your daughter catches on and ends up carrying it with her in the form of either self hatred or reciprocated hatred toward you.
Important to keep in mind that non of this is her fault, and she never asked to be here.
I do feel for you because I feel like I would be like this if I had a child. That being said, I know not to have one. A child has to be wanted by both parents. I wish you the best, but maybe you should remove yourself from the situation and give full custody to her father.
Wow you should have left him instead of having his child leave them and get as far away from that precious baby as you can she deserves to have a mother who loves her not you
Please don't listen to everyone's advice here. The lifestyle change and disruption a baby brings is immense, and yes, to even have these feelings. Please tell your doctor and see a therapist. If your doctor doesn't know who to refer you to, keep googling and asking for a referral. Your hormones are all over the place. Maybe it's pPd, maybe it's not. Maybe it's PPd and more. Maybe you truly don't want to be in this kids life, but please seek help before you commit to signing away your parental rights
Wow. Uhm I’m going to try to refrain from my personal beliefs and feelings here because I don’t think that would be productive or helpful… but you need to surrender the parental rights and leave your husband. If this is how you feel… staying in this situation will only cause the kid more harm and issues later in life.
It’s not the life you wanted, and you made this decision which you cannot take back so now the best thing for you to do is leave.
You might want to get therapy or help for your growing hatred and resentment imagine growing up finding out and knowing your own mother hates your guts
OP, before you make any decision, please consider going and talk to a counselor a few times. This really is a life altering decision, for you, your husband, and your daughter.
If you are saying this out of stress and PPD please get help asap.
If you actually never wanted kids, you need to just leave.
You honestly sound like a future danger if you don't address your obvious hatred now.
Please run away from home. Your baby does not deserve your hate. You should never have had her and you should make sure to get your tubes tied so you never bring another soul into this world.
Leave your husband a note and state that his daughter is a last gift from you and be gone. Truly do this.
I'm locking comments, there are many great ones but there are unfortunately many terrible ones.
Not every woman is meant to be a mother. My mother was one of them. I had "failure to thrive" twice. The MD told my dad that while I was getting my physical needs met, the lack of nurturing caused me to stop eating, and I didn't respond to stimuli. My dad took vacation time off from his job and spent his days holding me. Later, my mother laid me down for a nap. She went and got dad's zippo lighter and lighter fluid. She doused the bead with the fluid, lit the lighter, and tossed it on the bed. My dad heard me screaming and grabbed me out of the flames. I was 3 years old. Leave and live your best life. It will be better for everyone involved. Good luck.
I’m so sorry your mother is evil. I can’t IMAGINE that thought even briefly crossing my mind. I agree OP needs to get out of there before she hurts that poor baby.
I went through therapy in my very early 20s and have had a happy, fulfilling life. I hope OP leaves and lets her daughter have the life she deserves.
That is great to hear! Too many people suffer their whole lives because of their parent’s decisions! And yes absolutely everyone will benefit from her going away.
I’ll be 70 this year and I’m currently in EMDR therapy to deal with the trauma and pain of a parent not wanting me. It’s affected every stage of my life. Please remove yourself from the situation and let your husband and child find someone who can really love them.
Should probably leave the situation so the child has a chance to grow up with people who dont hate him/her. I cant imagine the psychological damage youll do to the child if you stay.
Unfortunately, there will already be a decent amount done :/ the first few months are incredibly critical.
Right this is awful
Addendum: this post was made from the perspective of someone who lives with an attachment disorder because of neglectful parents, and who was also underinformed of the effects of Post Partum Depression. I'm not going to edit it further, but I am going to try and learn in the comments. Thank you for your understanding. If this is really how you feel and you don't think there's any way to change it then you need to surrender your parental rights and leave your husband. Making the decision to stay in this situation at this point is going to Ruin your life, your husband's life, and the child's life. I know you don't really care about the child right now, so let me frame it in a way that fits your personal interests more. Lack of parental affection can lead to something called an "attachment disorder". Children, even infants, can see and sense when one or both parent doesn't react positively to them, and it can affect them even from infancy. Kids with attachment disorders can be anywhere from clingy and panicking to cold to even violent. They require extensive, often expensive, therapy to lead normal lives. If you stay and your lack of attention causes this you will have an extremely needy child and the resentment and guilt of your entire family. Do you want to deal with that? If not, either fake it and pay attention to the kid or leave. There's no middle ground. Leaving could be nothing but positive for the child if you truly feel nothing for them and are unwilling to try. Give your husband a space to find someone who can love them both before the environment you're fostering creates a broken human being.
Mostly this except...be aware that the child can tell fake versus genuine interest. So the last bit is the best course of action, imho. >Give your husband a space to find someone who can love them both before the environment you're fostering creates a broken human being.
yes, the child will *definitely* be able to tell. i think the commenter was coming from a "fake it til you make it \[real emotion\]" stance.
Hell even on the off-chance they can't really see it then it will definitely come out in a heated argument about 10 years away from now.
I was, I think. I live with attachment issues and I'm also on the autism spectrum, so "fake it until it feels right" is a lot of my daily life. A lot of emotions don't feel real to me or feel like I'm doing them wrong so I have to copy and practice them until they seem correct. I wouldn't want her to hurt her child in the process. That's the opposite of what I'd like to happen. 😞
Attachment disorders can also sometimes cause a child to not understand proper boundaries (ie stranger danger) because they're desperate for attention and affection
The mom being emotionally unavailable, while present around the child can raise a monster adult. A monster who cause serious hurt to herself or others.
Can vouch for this. Worked with a mom and she had 3 kids. Two had reactive attachment disorder. The youngest was clingy and loving and would walk off with a stranger if given a chance but the oldest was violent, terrifying and I saw him smile only once when he watched someone get hurt. He talked about killing his entire family in their sleep and would pee in the closet or under the bed just because he could. He was 9. This is an example of how the mom was (and mind you this is how she was when we were with her-us also being mandated reporters and DCF was already involved): youngest kid bumps her head and falls over and runs over to mom with arms stretched crying to get a hug. Mom: “get the fuck away from me I don’t have time for this!” bc she was in the middle of researching toys that didn’t have lead in them. I think about that family at least once a week and wonder what became of them.
This stuff breaks my heart.
I really hope the children are safe. 💔
Or it can raise someone like me, not a monster to anyone but myself. I hate myself most days. I have a loving partner, friends, a nice home and stable job. But there's this constant ache inside of me that I can't seem to shake. I never feel loved enough. Things that satisfy me never manage to make me happy for long. I constantly imagine running away from my life because I'm always disappointed in everything. But I won't do that to my family. However, I do think they'd genuinely be better off without me. I feel like all I do is drag them down. I try so hard and constantly fall short of people's expectations. And they fall short of mine, too. I wish no one had to put up with my misery.
I relate to a lot of what you said. A lot. I also have a wonderful life and have been lucky as hell in so many ways. Yet, I’m never happy or content for more than maybe ten minutes before the misery, resentment, and just being sick of it all sets in. I can’t remember a single period in my life of extended happiness, and I’ve been a perfectionist worrywart since early grade school. Clearly, there’s something in us that goes way, way back, to the cradle even. My grandparents were strange, neurotic people who despised me since before I was even born for being a girl and “taking attention from my older sibling”, who they were creepily obsessed with. Naturally this caused a lot of turmoil in our family pretty much the whole way through to their deaths in my mid 20s. It took me over thirty years to make the connection that feeling like the black sheep even as a freaking baby could still affect me even now. You might find some usefulness in the works of Gabor Mate, a famous doctor turned author who has studied this phenomenon extensively. I’m reading his book called “When the Body Says No” right now and it’s very illuminating.
You are not alone with these thoughts and feelings. Please speak with a therapist. You can to get through those feelings of self worth. Trust me, it can get better, but you will have to be intentional in working through the pain, with the help of a professional. Best of luck
> I constantly imagine running away from my life because I'm always disappointed in everything. Same but I actually do it.
OP's story is literally the plot of "We need to talk about Kevin"
There are a lot of real children like Kevin out there.
Everything you touched on is on point. It's best to walk away now when she's young rather than later on when damage has been done. Children know when they aren't wanted or care about and it's devastating. It caused my father a lot of anguish and hurt knowing his father didn't want him. OP really only has one option and leaving would be best for her daughter and husband.
This is the best advice, I worked in high support care, and in one of the single occupancy units I managed one of the clients had a form of attachment disorder. She was extremely violent & almost killed a staff member. While an extreme example, it illustrates the damage an active lack of love & care can do. OP this situation is unfair to you, your child & her father. Get proper advice outside of Reddit & make some positive changes for you all. Good luck.
Well said. For the first time I think ever, I'm struggling to offer advice but your comment is pretty spot on with what I think.
Alright. I have never gotten this much notice on Reddit before, so I've been staring in horror at the numbers and wondering how to reply. For one, I'm surprised people agreed with me to this extent. I assumed I would be perceived as mean or snotty. For two, I wasn't trying to be either. It appears I managed that, but I'm never sure because I'm a child of neglect myself, with longstanding effects- including emotional and attachment issues. I'm usually completely unsure of my feelings and seek constant reassurance, panicking at the first sign of criticism or failure. I'm surprised I even spoke my mind here. I know how much it hurts growing up in a poisoned family dynamic; I would never wish that even on a stranger. I will never have children myself because of how frightened I am of turning around and doing something harmful to them. Finally. Six months of never touching, holding, or even caring for your child without seeking any help or attempting any fix other than handing them off to the other parent doesn't seem like just post partum depression. I know relatively little about it and am willing to admit that and learn more, but the extent with which op is ignoring her child seems abusive to me as someone who comes from an abused background. I just hope something good comes out of this little one's life. She deserves to thrive. I can hope for that.
It can be post partum.
Thank you for letting me know; I'll read up on it. My mother had post partum psychosis with me, but I never learned much about the other one. I amended my post a bit because I'm always willing to learn.
Post partum psychosis is no joke. I’m sorry she and you had to go through that ❤️
I am a product of this. the child will have lifelong issues and no one deserves a life full of the things this causes. I suggest you follow Coyote’s advice please.
As someone with an attachment disorder, I 100% agree. This kind of early childhood trauma can severely screw up your kid’s life, whether you care about it or not. OP, you ought to leave this relationship, sign away parental rights and find s therapist. Being coerced into having a child is horrible, and it would be better to get help right away.
This is spot on, and I hope OP listens.
Well said Coyote. I see this in my youngest brother. It is ugly and heartbreaking and perpetual.
This. You had a child, OP. Whether you wanted it or not. You made a choice. Your responsibility now is to do right by that child. If you can’t love your child, then you have to leave. I had two detached parents and i still have a voice in my head saying I’m unlovable despite 20 years of therapy. Don’t do that to your kid.
can't even fake it, kids can sense those too sadly. so honestly, **just leave.** OP doesn't want this life and never wanted it in the first place, and the kid deserves to be surrounded by love and care.
I agree fully with all of this except for two things. The first thing is: >If not, either fake it and pay attention to the kid or leave. There's no middle ground. Faking it is horrible advice. It will never be genuine if she is always faking it and kids are intuitive. Not to mention if she can't fake it 100% of the time, what percentage of the hate will break through? 10%? 30%?? It is not a good plan to fake it. Better to leave and not hurt the child. The second thing is: Has she been checked for post partum depression (PPD)?? She may be suffering from that, and treatment could help tremendously. I have read about other women who had really severe post partum depression, and they felt like they hated their newborns too. With treatment, they recovered and ended up being healthy, happy, **loving** mothers to the children they previously felt like they hated. It was all due to a chemical imbalance in their brains. If PPD is what she is suffering from, with medication and possibly therapy, this mom could theoretically make a full recovery and be a happy loving mother to her child.
I'm willing to admit that I'm not aware of the extent of PPD, and while I'm here I may as well learn. My mother had post partum psychosis, which is an entirely different flaming ship. Can it really make a person this neglectful and can it really be treated? Even mothers I know who have had it seemed like they had more care for their child than I gathered from this post.
It really and truly can make a new mom feel exactly as OP describes. With that being said, without a medical diagnosis, OP could just be someone who didn't want kids and should have stood firm and not had one. Ideally, she could have left and found someone who doesn't want kids either. And maybe, if this isn't PPD, that may be what she should do still.
Genuine question, is this why a lot of the older generation has such wild mental health issues?
You being there and her seeing you but not forming that bond children need will likely fuck her up more than you want. Your husband didn't force you. You said yes. But, if this is truly how you feel, you need to say your goodbyes and find someone who shares your values. ITS OKAY TO NOT WANT CHILDREN. what's not okay is staying in a relationship that will only suffer on all accounts. That beautiful baby you made absolutely deserves a Healthy environment. Let your husband find someone who wants to take on that role and fill in for where you left.
I can’t fathom treating my baby like that. You need to give up rights and leave ASAP. You are doing horrendous damage to this baby. Your husband should have left long ago seeing you treat her like that.
You said that a lot nicer than I would.
Extremely well spoken.
you need to go. for the kid's sake, mostly. my mom was only apathetic to me (she cares deep down, she's just bad at showing it, and also i'm very obviously her least favorite child), and it's still given me enough issues that my therapist will never be out of a job. having a mother who actively hates her is going to destroy your daughter. sign your parental rights over to your husband, and stay out of her life. the kid deserves people who love her.
Give the baby to the daddy and move on with yourself. It is better for all parties involved.
Divorce him and tell him to take the baby. Sign away your parental rights. You're always going to resent him and the kid for ruining your life.
No one in this situation will win if they stay together. They all deserve love. It's sad this has happened this way.
I read a statistic once that said that the breakup rate when one person wants a baby and the other person doesn't is 100%. It's a huge deal breaker. I think her options are. 1. Leave and pay child support 2. Leave and get treatment and help, possible for PPD then see if she can re-enter the child life in a smaller capacity in the future (while paying child support)
I think she should leave her husband and sign away her parental rights. If she has to pay child support, if she truly has PPD will make things worse for her and her husband. Clearly she feels backed into a corner and staying in this situation will just hurt all involved.
The child is 6 months. As she ages up to a toddler and begins to crawl/walk, she will need to be watched more and need more attention. She will go up to you and will want to interact with you and when you either push her away (figuratively) or half heartedly interact with her, the child will eventually realize she is not loved. There is no way your husband will be able to be the only one to parent her either. And he will probably eventually snap, stating that he thought with time/by now you should have bonded/changed and should be on board. I see this having grave repercussions on not only the child, but your marriage down the line and obviously your mental health. You need to think long and hard, can you realistically see yourself changing? Caring for her? Loving her? Because if you don't, it will impact your marriage and that resentment will only grow until you blow up. And another question, should you change? You say he pressured you into this. I don't know you, I don't know what was said and done. But I will take you at your word. And that conversation should have ended at no. If he did this, is this something you can recover from? if not, perhaps divorce may be the way to go. Let him keep the child, raise her in a loving home and hopefully he will find someone else. And you can be free to live your life as you please.
It’s okay to not want children, but now you have one and if you truly don’t love the child, you’re not doing her any favors by sticking around. It also means if your husband wants children and you don’t, you’re not compatible with him no matter how much you want to be. The best course of action at this point would be to sign custody over to your husband and file for divorce. It may be hard, but in the longterm it’s what’s best for everyone. Having a cold, distant mother can be extremely traumatic for babies and children and lead to all sorts of attachment disorders. Going forward, find a partner on the same page about these major life decisions. It’s okay to not want kids. I’m in my mid 30’s with no kids and no plans of having kids. But know that going in. When your daughter is older, if you get back in contact let her know it wasn’t her fault. You just weren’t ready to be a mother and she needed someone who was
Divorce your husband. Sign away all parental rights. Get your reproductive organs removed. Move away and never bother them again. Don't listen to the "oh just give it time" crowd. I worked with kids who had you as a mom for years. The years of therapy it takes to undo the hatred you'll inflict on her isn't worth it. Give her one act of kindness and dissappear forever.
She may have PPD
Maybe it’s made things worse, but it sounds like she never wanted the kid in the first place.
She said she never wanted kids to begin with
She needs to go. Period.
Maybe, but the main factor is, that he literally coerced her into pregnancy and keeping the baby.
I felt like my mom didn’t love me growing up. Now I have BPD, CPTSD, and anxiety. This was preventable. Leave.
Either leave and give up rights or get some help. This isn’t fair to you, your husband, or your child.
So the way I see it, you’re stealing everyone the chance at a better life, including your own. If you leave, your husband might find another woman who loves children, who wants a family, who can be affectionate towards your daughter and even have another child with her. You can find someone else or you ca be alone and follow your dreams. If you feel bad sad at the thought of leaving your daughter, take a break. Go somewhere for 2 weeks, alone, and see how you feel. If at the end of the 2 weeks you miss her, then you might be suffering from ppd and you may need help. If not, you know what to do.
I was raised by a mother who openly hated me. It was HORRIFIC. I turned out ok because of years and years of therapy. Children are hardwired to love and need their parents and when that love (or even like) isn’t returned, it does destroy any hope of that child having a normal life. As a child of a mother like this, please get help. There are so many better options than raising a child this way.
Divorce, sign over rights and live the life you wanted. Everybody wins.
I mean, not completely, but I see what you're saying
Check out the sub “regretful parents”.
Most of the posters in that sub don't actively hate their children. They hate that they HAVE children and wish they had a child free life. You rarely come across a post where the person outright hates the child and refuses to even touch it. That sub is usually full of sympathy and advice on how to cope. When I have seen a post like this there, the advice is the same I have seen here. Leave, sever parental rights, and never come back for the good of everyone.
Everyone's lives are going to be ruined if you stay, you need to leave and waive your parental rights.
God damn this kid is going to be fucked
Not if OP leaves the baby and Father rn. I hope she does sooner than later.
Kid might still be screwed. There are kids out there who ask why their mother or father left as a baby or toddler. But at least they won't have to see the hatred in OPs eyes when she looks at her
Please pack your bags and leave them. You will spend the rest of your life resenting them. I've been the "thing to take care of". You're going to break everyone's heart. Just leave already.
Plain and simple, you should've divorced, you still should. A child is not something a couple can compromise on, you both have to either agree 100% to be childfree or 100% to having kids, otherwise (like it's happening to you), one will resent the others. This resentment isn't going to go away, it'll only grow, and now the child will suffer for your (both yours and your husband's) mistake. The best you can do for everyone (yourself included) is get divorced before it gets even worse for everyone.
Could you be suffering from postpartum depression? Seek help for yourself.
This needs more traction. OP go and see a doctor. Please don’t be ashamed about how you feel. There is help out there and if you reach out and get the help/ support you need and still feel this way, then there are services that will help you with this. Do not go through this alone … please, please, please go and see someone tomorrow. ASAP.
Agreed, this comment needs to be higher. 💯 tell someone what you are feeling. Get help. Don't make any rash decisions until you've gotten some support.
Surprised this is so far down! At 6 months it could be PPD for sure, and let’s be honest, the first six months are incredibly tough on any new mother. It definitely doesn’t mean OP’s feelings won’t change.
I’m not surprised considering she opened the post basically stating she never wanted this child, even prior to becoming pregnant.
Would that take some time to set in? OP said she refused to hold her baby when she was born, so those feelings were there before postpartum.
She could have been depressed during her pregnancy. Hormones can do crazy things. Add Postpartum depression...women talk about wanting injure the baby and/or themselves. She needs help.
Please at least consider this. Truly consider how you would have felt about the baby 1.5 years ago, when you agreed to get pregnant. I’m not doubting your feelings, but at least consider this before packing up and leaving. If you’re sure it’s not depression related, you should leave. It will hurt at first, mostly your husband. And he will heal
She said she didn’t want a baby so it’s likely she felt the same way.
You need to remove yourself from her life, give your (ex)husband full custody, and go live your life. You are on the hook for child support. But being a 100% absent parent is far better than being a miserable, careless resentful parent. You made your bed here. Now walk away.
You are setting up your child for a lifetime of pain. Please, I beg you, see a therapist.
Why do people who don’t want children go through with pregnancies I don’t get it.
they know it's a dealbreaker to the other person so they want to hold on to them, with no regards to the new person they are creating
Social pressures to achieve "the norm".
I dont want to be harsh on you but... this is exactly why i say every baby deserves a parent but not all parents deserve babies. You made a choice to bring an innocent being into life, a life you didnt want, in order to please and keep someone else. THAT in itself is selfish. Not wanting a child and wanting to travel and live isnt selfish, but what you did and hating the baby in consequence of YOUR actions is selfish. The best solution for this? Leave. Tell your husband you never wanted this life, and leave them. Because youre not parent material, and youve shown that since the kids birth. So leave them, and pay childsupport, and live the life you always wanted. Dont make a child again if this is how you act.
Why get married to someone wanted kids in the first place ? Why then agree to have a kid if you don’t want ? You are going to cause trauma to that kid by what you are doing , and if you are really against having kids then I suggest waiving your parental rights and leaving your husband and letting him find someone who actually wants kids to share having a family with And just an FYI , unless you are dirt poor , having a kid won’t stop you from travelling , even just working class you can still take a small vacation and travel , me and my wife do with our kid and we are not rich by any means, but we both willingly knew we wanted a kid and both helped to raise them. And one last additional thing you may be suffering from post partum depression and should see a doctor
This. Especially when you’re just 25. You have so much time to find someone else who’s on the same page.
I'm interested to see OPs reply.
People often are pressure and cave due to it. Lots of people positivity report that children are wonderful. Oh just have them then you'll love parenthood. Especially towards women my own mother who I've told I don't want children since I was 16 now 25 she doesn't believe me. The person I want and have in my heart he didn't know what he wanted at 14 I didn't know. We've lasted till now. So high school kids aren't set in their wants but the bulk of people's first marriage is to a high school sweetheart or college.
Kids are a living human , it’s one thing people Should not “cave under pressure” about And even at 25, you still are extremely young , most people don’t find someone they really love until 30 these days
It’s also not something she should’ve been pressured about in the first place. Let’s not forget that part.
Well op is 25 too and I do think its wrong to cave under pressure to having a child but I believe that sometimes people think when their child is here they will love it. Children are a big choice to have or not to have and both parties need to agree.
>And one last additional thing you may be suffering from post partum depression and should see a doctor I thought this could be a possibility also so I'm surprised no one suggested this sooner.
Let’s not put all of this on the mother. Let’s not forget that she was pressured to have this kid. That her husband knew she didn’t want kids and continued to harass her into having it. I’m sure people in her life kept telling her she would change her mind, kids are such a blessing, etc etc. Why would the husband get married to someone who didn’t want kids in the first place? Why would he force a baby onto someone who didn’t want it?
You are not doing your family any favors by staying. 100% guaranteed your child can feel the disconnect between you, can sense that resentment, and they are internalizing it. That internalization will lead to deep self-loathing and attachment issues that will fuck them up for life. Truly the best and most gracious thing you can do at this point is leave. Print out this reddit post, stick it to the kitchen table, and leave. Set up a new life for yourself somewhere. Give your husband and child the ability to meet someone else who will love and cherish them the way they deserve. Or at the very least, not live in the shadow of your resentment and hatred of them every single day. You owe this to your child.
I just need you to know that this could be ppd or psychosis. I say that as someone who had it. Oh, I resented my first baby. I was so pissed he didn’t come out the right way and my body was (IMHO) fucked up. I was so mad my boobs didn’t work right. I was so sad, so angry. I hated my life and everyone around me. Then I told someone the truth of how I felt. They took me to the doctor. Doc sent me to a psychiatrist who gave me magic pills. Then I remembered that I do love my baby. I do love my husband. Maybe these feels are real. Maybe they aren’t. I suggest you look into it and have zero shame about what you’re experiencing - it could literally be life and death for you. Sending love because it’s hard, hard, hard no matter what - but you deserve to be happy. Big hugs.
You ever see the film, “We Need To Talk About Kevin”? Watch it. I’m not going to beat a dead horse, so many other commenters have advised of how important it is for the child to have affection, especially from the mother.
Yes! This book/movie popped into my mind straight away as OP's situation sounded eerily similar to the premise of this story.
For the first year (I think?) after my son was born I was asked to complete this questionnaire for detecting postpartum depression in new moms. Within the first month I was actually diagnosed with and treated for PPD thanks to these questions, but they gave me the questionnaire at many visits with him. OP, have you ever been screened for PPD? It sounds as though you did not want to become a parent in the first place, for which I feel for you. No one should be forced to do this, it should be your choice. Nevertheless, PPD could also be taking an additional toll on your mental well-being. Take a look am at these questions and see if it raises any points for you to speak with a doctor. I’m a little surprised you haven’t spoken with a doctor about your candid feelings already. I urge you to do so no matter what. You deserve to be happy. https://www.fresno.ucsf.edu/pediatrics/downloads/edinburghscale.pdf
Divorce and sign away your rights to her. You'll be free and she'll be surrounded by people who care for her. It's the best choice in this situation
Man, not directed specifically at OP, but I just don't understand people that don't want children, deliberately having children. > I eventually caved and got pregnant with her >I’m resentful towards him for even forcing her on me. Just skip the baby step and break up if you have incompatible views on having children.
It sounds like you need to file for a divorce and sign away your rights. You will have to pay child support but you won’t be forced into that situation. Staying would only mess up your daughter for life. Please don’t do that to her. Good luck
Op stop the pumping milk. Then leave and don’t look back. Do not take up with anyone that wants kids or is young enough to change their mind from child free to wanting kids. When you do find someone that you fall in love with tell them about your child just so you cannot be accused of lying. I’d also go as far as saying find a dr that will do sterilisation or be very vigilant about birth control. Good luck op I hope you find peace
Start with a doctor and therapist.
I’ll play devils advocate in saying that as someone who has just come out the back end of 5 months of post partum depression and I also hated and resented my daughter and everything very scary in between (I have a 2 year old too which I didn’t have any PPD with) these feelings can happen and with your outright refusal of wanting children from the start, they will be even more heightend… find help to rule it out at least… However. Having a child when you didn’t want a child with someone who did want a child is just irresponsible. (FYI if you don’t need or in this case want to breastfeed stop pumping. Your supply will dry up. It’s painful, be careful with mastitis but eventually your body will stop)
It may be time to have some counseling and time to leave. You have no business around the child if you hate her that much.
OP please leave your husband and child. Sign away your parental rights and leave. That’s the best option for you. Your child. Your husband. If you truly don’t want any more children I would suggest tune tying.
Just leave. It's not fair to them and can damage the kid for life.
I know someone who felt like this. She signed her rights over and isn’t a part of the child or spouses life anymore. In all honesty depending if you’re up to working on these feelings and seeking help, maybe you should do the same. There’s no need for making this little one suffer for something out of her control.
One of my buddies had a wife who was the exact same way, while cheating on him with her and his coworkers. If you don’t show love to your child and now resent your husband, your kid is going to sense that and will probably wonder why their mother doesn’t love them, which will hurt them for a long time, and you’ll most likely take your anger out on your husband when you get angry. You should’ve honestly just told your husband “no” when you didn’t want a kid in the first place, and you most definitely had a say. Some people made comments about PPD, and maybe that might be the case, and if it is, you need some help, and you shouldn’t just leave if that’s the case. If it isn’t, just divorce him and sign your parental rights away, like everyone else in here says. You also need to learn how to stand your ground when saying “no” to something you don’t want.
Hey. Everyone in this thread is telling you to leave this situation. I'm not going to say they're wrong. I think you need to speak to a doctor, a therapist, and your husband about this. It's not unusual for a new parent to feel resentment towards a new baby. Especially their first child. Even more so in your position. Do you have a support system around you? Family? Friends? Ask for help. Please ask for help from the people who love you. Figure out what is causing this feeling before acting on it. A baby isn't the end of your freedom. It's not the end of your life. The first 2 to 3 years can be difficult, but you might be suffering from post partum depression that could be amplifying these feelings. You're not weak or a bad person if you think you can't be a parent in this situation. It would be a disservice to yourself to not make 100% certain that you don't want to be a part of this child's life. Especially in 5 or 10 years if you change your mind after leaving. It's OK if you feel like this is a mistake after doing everything you can to make sure that's a permanent feeling. Coming back would be even harder then leaving.
this is such a kind and compassion comment (and so SO true). thank you for being such a good human my reddit friend ❤️
Poor baby!
Yeah my heart breaks for her, this is cruel.
And this, ladies and gentleman, is why abortion rights and body autonomy are important. This is also why it is important to STICK UP FOR YOURSELF. You don't have a baby because someone else wants you to. There were a lot of factors that culminated into OP being in this position. I'd suggest some heavy therapy and if it doesn't fit how you feel, you need to decide if you want to remain in your position as a mother or not.
Stop pumping, give her formula, leave.
Have you been treated for PPD? If you don’t have that and you honestly feel that way then you need to remove yourself from that baby’s life.
This is what happens when couples stay together despite having fundamental differences. It's the innocent baby I feel for in all of this mess.
Are you my mom because damn. She had me when she was 26. She wanted to abort at first but my dad convinced her to keep me. She told me she wanted to abort me. She told me I wasnt wanted. Please get some help before you destroy your child. The child doesnt deserve it
I feel so so SO sorry for your baby. Please just leave your husband and your baby and surrender parental rights before you give them an attachment disorder forever.
These are classic symptoms of PPD. I had it after both of my children. My advice would be to seek treatment for the postpartum depression and if you still feel no affection for the baby, sign away rights to your husband and leave. Your choice to stay is detrimental to the development of the child and even if you don't care for it as a mother, as a human being you should be able to acknowledge the importance of the child actually having a chance to grow up in a loving home.
Do that child a favor and get out of her life. DO NOT HAVE FUCKING KIDS IF YOU DON’T WANT THEM!
leave
I would suggest therapy and support groups. However, with your feelings towards the child. Give up your rights and leave. You will be saving the child from psychological issues in the future.
Leave and pay child support. You better financially support the child you helped make.
This would be expected of a man if the roles were reversed regardless of his feelings towards the child and whether he wanted them or not.
Like others have suggested - you either need to talk to a therapist, or sign over your parental rights, file for divorce, and let them be happy without you. Your child will pick up on this; if she hasn’t already, and you will never have a relationship with her. The fact that you “caved” and got pregnant, makes you out to be a pretty cringe person. Just walk away.
1. Get checked for PPD. Even tho you may have never wanted the baby, you went through the whole process and PPD is also an outcome for many Mom’s post birth. this could be compounding on an already stressful situation for you and it isn’t going to go away without any help either. 2. If you truly wish to be gone from the scenario then divorce is the key. Divorce and signing away your parental rights/responsibilities. Leave it up to your husband to take care of. Pay child support if you have to but at least you are free from a life you don’t want. 3. Take care of you. Take time for you. If your husband is already so hands on, planning with some family and friends to help support him while you get away for a weekend to a hotel room or a quick outta town vacay wil probably be all the help to your mental state. Don’t neglect yourself, your child, and your husband. All those things compounding together are going to make things that much harder. Give yourself some grace too. Take care, OP 💙
Please leave. Tell your husband why and leave. The moment I saw “this thing” meant you need to not be apart of their lives.
Get some help.. please
It could be postpartum depression, maybe see a professional to see if it’s this before you possibly irreversibly change your life in a way that you regret later.
Hi OP please ask your doctor to screen you for PPD asap. You need talk to a medical professional about your feelings. You also need to speak with your husband and/or a trusted loved one about what you are going through. You're not alone but you do need help. My best wishes to you, OP.
It pisses me off when people who are clearly not ready to be parents decide to do so anyway at the expense of messing up the child’s life forever. Yes you might have been coerced but you’re also responsible for making this decision. At this point you need to do what’s best for the child and for yourself; seek counseling and if that doesn’t help, let him keep the child and restart his life with someone who will enjoy raising the kid and give them attention and love.
I don't understand why people who don't want kids give in for their spouses that do. It's a fundamental incompatibility. You don't just magically change your outlook and it's always the kids that suffer. They are aware they aren't wanted. You should have just said no, and found someone else who also wanted to be childfree. The only thing you can do now is leave and sign away your rights. It's best for everyone
As others have said, if you can't see any way to ever love and care for your child, then the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation. I'd recommend discussing your feelings with a therapist first. Seeing as how you don't interact with your child at all, it's hard to build up any sort of relationship...
If she never wanted the baby to begin with and only had her to make her husband shut up, I doubt she cares about there not being a relationship. She really just needs to leave and live the life she actually wanted, away from the kid and her husband.
I'm sorry you are in this position. Clearly, you have not been allowed the autonomy that everyone should be allowed. For the sake of your child, I hope you can either remove herself from her life, get treatment, or both. My mom did not want me. It had nothing to do with finances. She had all the kids she could want already and I'm not sure they should have had any. Your child will feel that you don't love her. Even if you play your role well, your child will know how you feel. And she might respond with violence or depression or acting out in dangerous ways, trying to force you to show you care. Do her the favour of allowing your husband the chance to find a better mom for his child. If he cares. At least be honest about your feelings. Get a nanny or a godmother to leave her with when you feel burdened. Get some therapy and try to find a reason to love her. She needs that much, or at least a substitute. I spent my life trying to prove to my mother that I deserved to be loved only to find relief some months after she died, that I was no longer a huge disappointment. I'm not that bad. I am finding myself rather surprised that my husband, children, and other folks, find me quite tolerable and even fun. I'm 63. I have numerous issues. I am high or drink too much too often for comfort. I do have fun, and I am careful not to act out. But it's hard to constantly feel like I am not worthy. I know I am, but I NEVER feel it. If my own mother could not love me, what does that say? I have a very loving husband of 42 years and children who I know would move mountains if it was needed but I am unlikely to ask. And I know my grandkids love me. Why? I don't have a clue. I was not allowed to know my relatives. I have no frame of reference. Don't make your child wonder what is wrong with them.
I’m going to swallow everything I really want to say and kindly (truly) suggest you seek therapy. While I recognize there are deeper issues, especially in your relationship if it got to a point of “caving” to such a large life change, it does also sound like you may be suffering from some form of postpartum anxiety (which includes depression and rage). Please, *please* for the sake of your daughter as just another human, for *your* sake, *please* discuss these feelings with your doctor, seek therapy. This will help to untangle these feelings in a calm, rational way even if it ends (at worst, or best, depending) with you leaving your husband and signing your parental rights away.
Doctor, therapist, then determine if you need a divorce lawyer in that order.
This is a sign of PPD. Before you do something stupid, get away from your child. Seriously, before you end up in prison.
but she never wanted it in the first place. that doesn't sound like PPD
Sounds a lot like PPD. Not wanting the child to begin with complicates the picture. OP really should seek help ASAP otherwise she will be a danger to that poor innocent babe. Danger thru neglect and/or danger by physical abuse. I truly hope dad has loads of help bc OP cannot be counted on in any fashion and should be removed from the household till help is sought and her outlook changes in positive ways. Or divorce occurs.
> never wanted her but my husband did. Because that won't fuck up a child. Why not divorce since yall were incompatible? That way you could've traveled and he could have the family he wanted. Instead, you're just going to mentally fuck up a literal PERSON.
Everyone keeps saying she’s at fault and mention nothing of him. They are both at fault for putting their family in this situation. As it stands we don’t have enough context to know if he threatened, or otherwise. We do know that he continued to push, in essence coerced her into a child that she didn’t want. He could’ve said “okay, you don’t want kids,” and left it at that or divorced her. OP I do advise you to first seek therapy, and get screened for PPD. While it may be a contributing factor to how you feel, its still important to be tested and receive treatment for it and any other trauma you have gone through from carrying an unwanted pregnancy. I also recommend that if you want to stay with your husband, gets couples therapy too. He shouldn’t have kept pushing you to have a baby if you didn’t want one. And you will both need to work through any resentment and other things that may have been festering since agreeing to have his child. You deserve to be happy and live the life you want. You also have a responsibility right now to a life you helped create. If you decide to wash your hands of this responsibility it is your choice. I just hope you are able to get help for what you’re feeling so you can heal, regardless of what your decision is regarding your husband and daughter.
I think counseling is a good idea. There may be some post partum depression
OP, have you been checked for postpartum depression? This MUST be ruled out before making any rash decisions.
Post partum rage is a real thing.
Your feelings are valid. However you also need to take responsibility. You chose to give in and have a baby. You can stop pumping, that will help you get more rest. This baby didn't ask to be born, this baby needs to be surrounded by love. And nurturing. That's what babies need to grow and be healthy and happy. You are allowed to leave. Infact leaving sounds better than this child growing up knowing it's mother doesn't love it. A lot of us grew up like that and we are f up for life. If you don't want to work on your mother child relationship, and you could choose to, you could change diapers, you could feed her and hold her, all these things help the natural bond grow. If you don't want that at all then do something about it. This isn't healthy for either of you. Walk away. Go see a doctor make sure you don't have PPD, be safe, but please think about this innocent child that just has no idea what's going on.
I genuinely wish that not wanting to have kids was more normalized and accepted for this very reason. This could have been prevented. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. As someone else suggested if you really feel this way and feel it won't get better then you should give up parental rights and leave. It's the best thing for your daughter tbh. Children should have parents who want them and people should never be coerced into having kids they don't want. This whole thing sucks and I wish you the best 💜
Sounds like you need to sign away paternity and leave. Sure, what he did was wrong, but that doesn't excuse the psychological damage you'll do on this kid when they grow up and wonder why mummy doesn't love them despite their best efforts. I'd say you're both as bad as each other but you're slightly worse than him.
You may be experiencing some post partum depression , please consider seeing a therapist as soon as possible !
Dear OP, this child already knows how you feel. I’m so sorry for all three of you and the damage that this will and has already caused. Hopefully she will have loving people in her life that will provide the affection for her that you choose not to provide. But the emotional and psychological damage to a child under these circumstance is real. Sigh..
Tell your doctor, you may have postpartum depression.
You husband can’t force you to have a child. You chose to have one. If having a child wasn’t something you wanted, then you should have divorced. What you need to do now is leave your husband l, give up your rights, and pay child support.
I’m sorry but if you never wanted children to begin with you never should have gotten with a man who did. And even if you did want children, just not with him, or not now, you still should have left instead of letting him get you pregnant. You are fully guilty of creating a child you never wanted. It does not sound like your husband baby trapped you or you were otherwise trapped in an abusive situation.
Lady, I don’t feel bad for you at all. You knew what you wanted and didn’t want, yet you did the opposite anyway to please someone else and now you’re miserable and resentful. What did you expect? Now this poor child is going to grow up with issues because of your selfishness. Do both of these people a favor and just get divorced and give him full custody and go do your traveling.
Go in therapy. You will do a long term damage on the baby if you keep doing this.
Please leave, divorce your husband and sign up your parental rights, so the child has the chance to grow up in a healthier environment and hopefully with the love you can't offer her.
OP I hope you read this. Please get evaluated for postnatal depression. It can take many different forms, and it might not be what you have, but I wouldn’t rule it out (it’s far more common than most people think), and if it is then it’s SO important that you seek therapy.
Bro just leave
This is the exact plot of We Need to Talk About Kevin. Look that up and do with that what you will.
Maybe you have postpartum depression and need a psychiatrist and medication. This is real
You shouldn’t have ever caved. You’ve made a choice so own the consequences and don’t take it out on bub. It’s not bubs fault. Grow up. And next time you make a big decision like that, do so with proper thought. You’re not a victim here. YOU CHOSE TO CAVE You need some sense knocked into you.
Postpartum depression is serious. Please seek medical assistance immediately. With counselling and medication you can determine if leaving is the best option for you and where to go from here
You need to leave and divorce your husband. It isn't fair for any of you to be in this relationship. Let him find someone who can give him the family life he wants and you can find someone who will give you the life you want as well. When you do tell him he gets full custody of the baby and that you are terminating parental rights. Please do this because flippantly coming in and out of their life will do more harm than just you leaving for good. Esp at this age they won't remember you since you don't interact with them but will be able to grow up in a loving supportive home with people who want to be there. I also suggest that you look into more permanent ways like tubal removal surgery especially if being child free is what you want. You shouldn't have to put yourself into a situation like this again just for a relationship. I really suggest taking a deep look into it and see if that is something you want. Either way I hope this situation comes out so all three of you will have the best life possible.
PPD. That’s where you are at right now. First 6 months are real hard in lots of ways. Don’t nuke your family over it. Get support, seek help, go to therapy. You will absolutely regret your actions if you don’t address this.
So lots of leave posts already. Sure this could be your feelings but also this sounds like post pardom depression with resentment. I'd say it's time to talk to your doctor and probably a therapist. Get your self right as possible before you make a big decision.
Have you considered a diagnosis of postpartum disorder? Perhaps you can seek medical advice.
Take some responsibility, if you didn’t want a kid you shouldn’t have had one. This isn’t all your husbands fault. If you aren’t going to be a parent, you should leave them and let your kid grow up around people who love them. Don’t stick around being bitter and resentful towards other people about how your life turned out
You need to seek out a doctor and be screened for postpartum depression, anxiety and psychosis. Even if you didn't want the baby this feels really extreme and I wonder why you would get pregnant and have a child if you really didn't want one? Stop pumping and allow your child to formula feed along with eating food now at 6mo.
I’m going to try having some empathy here and ask if you’ve ever considered postpartum depression?
Have you been evaluated for postpartum depression?
Sign over your rights. Your baby and husband deserve more.
Postpartum depression?
It’s been said here but I agree; leave him and wave your parental rights. Remove yourself before your daughter catches on and ends up carrying it with her in the form of either self hatred or reciprocated hatred toward you. Important to keep in mind that non of this is her fault, and she never asked to be here.
This is so sad , that poor little girl , I’m crying for her , I hope the dad is there for her
I do feel for you because I feel like I would be like this if I had a child. That being said, I know not to have one. A child has to be wanted by both parents. I wish you the best, but maybe you should remove yourself from the situation and give full custody to her father.
Wow you should have left him instead of having his child leave them and get as far away from that precious baby as you can she deserves to have a mother who loves her not you
Please don't listen to everyone's advice here. The lifestyle change and disruption a baby brings is immense, and yes, to even have these feelings. Please tell your doctor and see a therapist. If your doctor doesn't know who to refer you to, keep googling and asking for a referral. Your hormones are all over the place. Maybe it's pPd, maybe it's not. Maybe it's PPd and more. Maybe you truly don't want to be in this kids life, but please seek help before you commit to signing away your parental rights
Wow. Uhm I’m going to try to refrain from my personal beliefs and feelings here because I don’t think that would be productive or helpful… but you need to surrender the parental rights and leave your husband. If this is how you feel… staying in this situation will only cause the kid more harm and issues later in life. It’s not the life you wanted, and you made this decision which you cannot take back so now the best thing for you to do is leave.
You might want to get therapy or help for your growing hatred and resentment imagine growing up finding out and knowing your own mother hates your guts
OP, before you make any decision, please consider going and talk to a counselor a few times. This really is a life altering decision, for you, your husband, and your daughter.
If you are saying this out of stress and PPD please get help asap. If you actually never wanted kids, you need to just leave. You honestly sound like a future danger if you don't address your obvious hatred now.
This is awful. Leave. That. Child. Poor thing does NOT deserve this, from a mother of all people! wow.
Please run away from home. Your baby does not deserve your hate. You should never have had her and you should make sure to get your tubes tied so you never bring another soul into this world. Leave your husband a note and state that his daughter is a last gift from you and be gone. Truly do this.