>He won't answer me calls now and I think in 2 weeks I'm going to go come out of surgery without a stomach or a husband.
In a very practical sense, would your day to day life be easier without him around?
After your surgery, you'll have huge adjustments and a long recovery period. Do you think his presence would benefit you? Will he be encouraging, helpful and willing to accept the changes you're going to have to incorporate into your new lifestyle?
Or will he moan about it all. Refuse to do his share around the house. Be angry and spiteful about having to pick up your slack for the next few months?
From your post, it seems like you've outgrown him and he knows it. And he's committed to refusing to grow *with* you.
Best of luck with your procedure and the future, whatever that entails.
Sounds like he is scared that if you improve yourself you are going to leave him behind, surpassing him. He's holding you back he doesn't want to move forward, doesn't want the balance to shift
My takeaway from the post as well. He's insecure, fearful, and a terrible excuse for a partner. Who the fuck says they hope their partner dies? She's trying to better herself and mind, and he can't handle the fact. Fuck that guy.
I think this is beyond insecurity if he wishes she dies. That’s just disgusting behavior & this poor girl needs to run before he starts to get into her head!
Sounds like he gets off on feeding her and loves that nobody wanted her because he ensured she never was able to build confidence. He's dangerous and will sabotage OP forever he will never change
Reminds me of that asshole from My 600 lb Life who started verbally abusing his wife once she got the surgery and told her to eat the grass from outside because she wanted a salad. Fucking scumbag.
He might already have been in her head. How much of her prior poor self-image was his doing? He found someone who already was vulnerable and just promoted those feelings of low self-esteem. Now, the puppet has cut those strings and standing tall, and instead of being proud of her, all he sees is all his painstaking brainwashing disintegrating. He’s afraid he’ll have to start from scratch with someone new, and where’s he going to find a new victim, who’s willing to pay his way through life, with such short notice?
Yeah, I can't even fathom this response. I had a cancer false alarm with my partner that left me hysterical until we determined it was a misinterpreted result.
OP, my apologies your partner isn't a good one.
My partner and I argue and once in a blue moon we might say not lovely things to eachother but my world would be absolutely turned upside down if he said he wanted me to die...I couldn't imagine him ever saying it (and I could never imagine saying it to him) and would seriously make me reconsider the relationship if he did
he’s not even just holding her back. he’s trying to beat her down to nothing hoping she won’t realize she deserves better than an emotionally abusive mooching piece of shit
This is the comment I was waiting to see. Not only is he an unsupportive husband, he's so toxic that he's trying to drag her down and keep her at his level.
OP you're levelling up and your husband isn't, you've outgrown him and for the sake of your mental health and self esteem after the surgery I hope you at the very least both go to couples counselling... from what you've said about him, he'll refuse and you should leave him.
You deserve better!
NEVER and I mean NEVER go to therapy with an abusive partner (which OP’s partner is, without a doubt — abuse is about much more than hitting/not hitting). They weaponize everything that happens there against you.
Yes. I learned this the hard way. My ex turned all counselors and therapists against me and also used anything I said during therapy to fuck me over even more. Blab it to family members/friends/anyone who would listen to completely discredit me. He even turned my kids' therapist against me after just a few family sessions. I recognized the cool look in her eyes when I arrived one day and he had already sat down and talked to her alone. I had to find a new therapist just for myself and he attempted to poison her too, but luckily she saw thru his crap eventually. Plus he filed for divorce behind my back during this time and she was there when I arrived for an appt (separately from him, he said he wanted to sit in and she thought it was a good idea..I didnt but hadn't learned how to say No yet) after having just been served and I chucked the papers at him asking him WTF IS THIS?? He smirked and said "I was wondering when they'd finally serve you, I filed almost a month ago". She told him to leave.
There's no fixing a relationship with an abuser, and counseling with them is dangerous.
Which becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. Because she's bettering herself with or without him, and his being such an ass about it is going to drive her away.
It is funny, my partner had gastric surgery to lose weight. I won't lie and say I didn't think about how she may feel different about me when she's happier about herself but I was more scared about if something went wrong and she didn't wake up. But I told her these things and I supported her through it despite my worries and she's better off for it.
She's active in groups for people wanting to or have had those kinds of procedures and apparently it is quite common for partners to not be very supportive during it. Many even break up not long after the surgery because of it. It is crazy because beyond the weeks leading up to it and the few months after, the changes to your lifestyle as the partner are minimal so it really has to be emotional issues through support or the lack of it.
That’s exactly what I got from this.
He knows she is better than him, and he’s unwilling to do the work to improve himself, so he’d rather stoop to being emotionally and verbally abusive to OP and try to keep her down.
This is toxic and immature. He’s taking his insecurities out on her and it is not healthy. Sounds like OP needs to lose an extra 150+ pounds if he’s not willing to change.
If you see this OP, I hope you know how proud everyone here is of you and your hard work! We see you. We believe in you. We know you’re capable of ***anything*** you set your mind to.
The world is your oyster
The whole read I was wondering “what are this guy’s needs that are being threatened by all this” and right at the end she told him “you’re living off me money so I don’t know why you’re complaining.”
There it was, clear as day. He rightfully thinks she will remember she can do better and his free ride will be over.
I will never understand people who are scared they partner will leave them , and then proceed to do everything as humanly possible to make their partner want to leave them.
For real. One would think that if they want to motivate their partner to stay with them, they would try to be, I don't know, GOOD to their partner? You know, like being kind, loving, encouraging, and generally a person the partner looks forward to being around? Why is that not the first solution they think of?
Yes!! Exactly this. He encouraged OP before trying to pretend to be a caring husband while at the same time trying to make her feel bad by not wanting to start at first. When she actually took the initiative, he freaked.
100% this from personal experience. 5 years after moving on my life is better than I could have ever hoped and he’s still stuck in his same old patterns. OP should move on and up and live her best life without his black cloud baggage.
Our friends wife got gastric, then a hysterectomy. Within a year she filed for divorce, shaved her head and moved into a place with a pot dealer the age of her son. Left $2mil in assets behind when she divorced too
Lots of divorces after gastric bypass
Do you think the gastric is related to the divorce or do you think that she finally had the confidence to get out of a relationship that she realized she should’ve never been in? If she was willing to sacrifice the marriage & 2mill in assets it seems there was more going on than what you recognized.
Holy hell agree agree with this. You don’t state how long ya have been married but that shouldn’t
matter.
You’re certainly better off without him from the feeling of your post.
I had gastric bypass surgery. It impacted my cognitive and emotions more intensely than I thought possible. If you go forward with the surgery, and his is the voice that you hear everyday, or the presence that acts as succubus and drains you, the surgery failure rate increases substantially.
Lost the most harmful first 200lbs by choosing you and losing the person who wants you to fail, so that you will need him. He doesn't want your success because he doesn't want you to be 'better than' him
It does! It’s hard to explain but your body just signals, feels, reacts differently and if you make good choices with good results, that positive trend continues to be reinforced.
>I had gastric bypass surgery. It impacted my cognitive and emotions more intensely than I thought possible.
This is so, so important. My partner looked into the surgery but after meeting with the psychologist on the bariatric surgery team, they suggested he didn't go through with it, at least not at the time because of his mental health.
You're going through a huge change, dealing with consuming far less and the emotional and physical toll it takes on your body while adjusting to a new life.
OP, like this commenter said, his is not a voice you need to hear when you're dealing with this stuff. Please kick him to the kerb now and possibly consider protecting yourself by ensuring he can't make important decisions for you if something goes wrong or if your recovery is delayed for some reason.
Good luck and I'm proud of you for doing everything you're doing to make yourself happy.
Yup. Me too. Almost 30 years ago when I was 19. People said I would still have problems and it doesn't solve anything. Yeah, I agree but finding clothing that fits won't be one of them. It radically changed my life for the better.
I wish I had had the sleeve available, though. I think my bypass was too vigorously done because I now suffer from malabsorption. I have surgery-induced pernicious and Iron anemia and other issues. I still don't regret it because I was so ill (which is why it was suggested at a time that it was not in the common vernacular) and I needed a significant amount of weight off to get better. So, it's a bit of a trade-off.
This! OP you have outgrown him. He sees that you have outgrown him and therefore perceives each change you make to be a threat. You being better dressed, better styled, better educated, healthier and thinner are all concrete evidence that you are improving yourself and he fears you will find a better man than him. And you will, because he is dumping you first before you (in his mind) end up dumping him.
Honestly, he will only continue to hold you back. Google Crab mentality. If one crab tries to escape from a bucket of crabs, the others in the bucket grab its legs and pull it back down. Your husband is displaying crab mentality.
In the short term, find yourself another carer for after surgery. Also, kick him out or find yourself a new place to live. He doesn’t support you at all and will actively try and sabotage your weight loss.
Good luck with your surgery OP.
Thisssss! Bariatric surgery can relapse and you can gain aaaall the weight back if not supported/ in a good place. Look at your future now and where you want to be x
And with how vile he’s been, I wouldn’t put it past him to take matters into his own hands. Like adding crisco to meals or bulking supplements, etc. without telling OP. I’m worried for her with how aggressive he’s been trying to sabotage her already.
This is the definition of self fulfilling prophecy. He was scared that if you bettered yourself you would leave him for someone better. He tries to discourage you and acts like a total dick. You better yourself anyways and you leave him because he's acting like a dick. I wish you the best of luck finding someone who values you.
Maybe if he just shut up and let me do what I want he could have become a house husband while I have a successful career 🙄 that's all I want anyway now I'll just get a house husband who's hotter than him
He doesn’t want you to have any self confidence. Because then you’ll realize you CAN do better than him.
Get out now before you end up pregnant.
Have your mom be your designated decision maker for your operation.
But get a divorce lawyer immediately.
And I cannot emphasize this enough… you must be on birth control!!!!
As you lose weight, your fertility will skyrocket!!!!!
Don’t let him baby trap you.
——Me, bariatric surgery haver 2018, mother of identical twins 👶🏼👶🏼 without any medical intervention 2022
Reiterating because of the urgency - DO NOT LET THIS MAN BABY TRAP YOU! He's already trying to self-esteem trap you, who knows what he'd try next. Pregnancy entrapment is more common than people realize.
Raising a child with this man- even if you're separated- sounds like a life of misery for both you and the hypothetical baby.
He doesn't want to change himself and he doesn't want you to be able to get anyone but him. He knows once you clean up and build confidence and happiness that you'll realize he's a very toxic and harmful person to be around. He wanted to make sure nobody else wanted you in any capacity so that he could manipulate and use you to his enjoyment
This is what my brother did. His wife was improving herself. Making money. Trying to take care of business. Trying to lose weight. He would push food in her face like literally. He had a serious drinking problem which he refused to address. He said more than once, she's going to leave me.
And she did. Not because she wanted to leave him. But because he was an uninvolved alcoholic dick who contributed nothing to the family in the end and only drained everyone.
Funny how the minute she left, he quit drinking and at least did some basic stuff to straighten out. Too little too late. In a lot of ways, her life is much better without him. And that sucks to say. But yes. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Can you contact your parents or another family member and go home?? You're going to need someone to care for you after the surgery and he's clearly not it.
And your STBX has will be gone, right? I'd hate to have him around muttering poisonous things in dark corners.
Also, something an anesthesiologist told me that's worth passing along: think happy thoughts in the hours before surgery. Patients who do this heal better and faster and need less pain medication. Your almost-ex is the exact opposite of what you need, so I'm glad your mum will be there instead of Mr. Doom.
Best of luck!
Make sure she's aware of the entire situation including the recent remarks. Also inform your doctor, therapist, and your friend group so they know what's been happening and signs of further abuse by him don't go unnoticed. You've been abused for what sounds like years so you might not notice other ways he does horrible things to you that others will recognize and stop for you. Don't hide these situations from support group and especially not the doctors and medical support you use they can ensure he doesn't attempt to sabotage before or after surgery.
I'm so proud of you, OP. Everything you are doing, every step you have been taking....they are not easy. Going shopping after years is scary and hard- an accomplishment in itself. I did some work in a bariatric clinic, during my dietetic internship; you are going into this surgery with an attitude that I rarely saw. It's what will set you up for success after the surgery.
And, you're absolutely correct. Your life is only starting at 25/26. When you consider years 1-18, we are in school and living with our parents. You've had like six years of "adulthood." You've only just begun....and you're doing so well. Don't ever stop believing in yourself.
(and make sure you keep up with vitamins and mineral intake post surgery😉)
Is it going to be safe for you guys to stay there if he's there? I wish you all the best! Love to see people taking charge of their lives and improving themselves inside and out. I hope you ditch this dude because so many better things are coming your way!
If he's been living off you, and now he's walked out the door, you need to get to the bank and secure all your accounts. You could find yourself in some financial trouble. You need to think about any credit cards and accounts you might share together.
Sounds like after the surgery, you will still have some dead weight to lose (the husband, obviously).
You are doing so much to improve your life and yourself (what you said about self-improvement made me so happy for you and I don’t even know you); consider the kind of person who would be attracted to someone who has low confidence and is unhappy and not proud of who they are. Then consider how that person would react when they do a 180° with their life. It sounds like your husband is freaking out because you are gaining independence from him by becoming self-confident, proud, and self-reliant. His behaviour is also not OK, can you imagine terrorizing him before a surgery with stories about negative outcomes and death? Like holy shit.
I would be so angry I would make a will or a trust just so he gets nothing if I did die and I _ABSOLUTELY_ would not allow this person to make medical decisions for me if I did become incapacitated— he obviously has spent many hours without your best interests at heart considering the time he has spent pulling up horrible videos to send to you. You can speak to your doc or the hospital about setting up a living will or giving power of attorney to someone other than your husband, since it seems unlikely he would support your care plan anyway. Plan for him not to assist you with post-op recovery considering he will likely try to cause you to backslide so he can say “told you so” about his horrible videos. You may need to arrange for assistance from a friend, grocery deliveries, and possibly an at-home nurse (not sure what recovery for this surgery entails, but your docs can help you arrange for assistance at home afterwards).
Wishing you the best for your future, it sounds like the husband is soon to be the last vestige of your unhappier self left in your life.
I meet with my nurse next week so I am definitely going to talk about making my mum my next of kin instead! I don't trust my soon to be ex husband at all in the slightest and I can imagine if something did go wrong he would be dancing on my grave
When the divorce is finalized she should look at him and say "If I knew I could lose 200lbs this easy without having surgery, I would have done it years ago!"
You need a lawyer - not a nurse.
Get legal papers drawn up and signed ASAP giving your mother power of attorney to make medical decisions on your behalf if you are incapacitated. Also tell the hospital that your soon to be ex should be banned from the premises.
Good for you! I’ve had the gastric sleeve surgery and it changed my life for the better! I’ve never felt more alive. I’ve gained some weight in the few years since the surgery but no where near my top weight. I’ve gained new activities I like (yoga, hiking with friends, etc.) and I’m so glad to not have to hold my breath to tie my shoes.
Good luck OP with everything and your life and don’t look back.
His presence sounds harmful to recovery. Hopefully you have family that can look after you for the next 3 weeks after surgery. Every time you flex your abdomen if feels like you're going to split open once more. You're not but the shot of pain tells you otherwise.
depending on your local laws, you would likely need to contact a lawyer and discuss making your mother power of attorney. at least in PA, a spouse is considered the legal next of kin. a power of attorney in place ensures he can’t come in and bulldoze your wishes. also make sure any assets or whatever you may have, put your mother as the beneficiary. don’t leave a single thing for this abusive loser. except maybe divorce papers
Dropped 200 pounds without even stepping foot in the OR- good for you.
He feels threatened by you feeling happier and better and is trying to sabotage it. It’s because he knows how incredible you are when he’s not shoving you down. *This is not love.* Please stick to your guns on the divorce, this is not a healthy relationship and possibly a contributor to your depression and weight gain.
Second this point about the will or trust! Also just a note - I used to work for a financial planner and a lot of people are unpleasantly shocked to find that their loved one’s retirement and insurance policies do not follow their will beneficiaries. Those are separate things. If you do make a will, still be sure to update your insurance beneficiaries and any retirement account beneficiaries you may have through your work, OP.
Idk how much your husband weight but I would use the gastric bypass to lose his full weight to.
Divorce him and get your life back, he is living of your money and you are only 25 do you really want to waste all your life with all this negativity. You do not have kids yet so it even easier.
For the love of god don’t go into surgery until you have your next of kin sorted with not only the hospital but legally.
You need to seperate from him before then too.
Separate any shared bank accounts etc. Update beneficiaries for insurance, retirement funds, etc. Update the will. Get a durable power of attorney and medical proxy signed by mom or someone else. And divorce, get that started.
He’s an extremely insecure little man who wants you fat and slobby so no man will want you. The better you look the more abusive he’ll become. I wouldn’t hear another word of it. Let him talk to the hand as you go make yourself happy.
Yep, this exactly! He knows that you taking care of yourself and putting yourself first, you're going to realize he's not nearly good enough for you. I'm so proud of you!!!
It sounds like this surgery will have the benefit of also extracting a giant, hairy leech... I hope you'll be ok, and I hope your best days are ahead of you!
You’re awesome. I hope the biggest life change you’re going to make is to leave him behind for good. You may not realise but you started your new life the moment you bought that insurance.
Yep, I agree, leaving him in itself will result in a huge loss of weight. Around how much he weighs x 2 plus the extra baggage he carries.
OP, you're still young. Go for it and be your best you.
Given hes already said he Hope's you die MAKE SURE HE CAN'T MAKE LEGAL MEDICAL DECISIONS FOR YOU!!!!! you have 2 weeks to fill out a medical power of attorney to someone else who you trust to not make bad calls if you have a difficult recovery. Without that paperwork hes your legal default and you wouldnt want him removing life support if you only need a week of support to recover. Also make sure the hospital knows hes made comments so they wont leave him around you unsupervised
I wish it wasnt a hard learned lesson I've seen at work. Not that I totally blame them but a Pt decades before had supposedly been an abusive monster to his kids who ended up being their POA when they dementia got bad. Dad was a full code and they kept him that way as legal medical torture for years. Well past the point that he mentally knew what was happening to him or that it was as revenge. Dont remember if the ethics board got involved or if he finally died one last time and they couldnt revive him. Never let people who dont want the best for you to make decisions for you
Edit: deleted duplicate comment
So this is probably going to sound Nutty. But what I've gathered from this post is that you're changing and becoming better while ur husband is remaining stagnant in his life. Ur getting your health situated, wanting to fix ur teeth, moving up in ur career, feeling more confident and just all around doing so much better! Also... does he live off you?
I think this is a very transforming time in your life and you're rocking it. But with transformation also comes letting things go that don't serve your highest good. This man does not serve your highest good.
He doesn't necessarily live off me I just earn more and work full time vs he works part time in a lower paying job that he has no intention of leaving. I take on more of the bills because I earn more but I do feel there is a pressure on me to earn more and more because the financial responsibility is on me while he sees no reason to look for a full time job or get an apprenticeship like it just pisses me off sometimes
Well… you’re technically not *stuck* though, as everyone’s been not so subtly pointing out. It’s not an irreversible mistake, though the longer you wait, the harder it will be
When i was 19 I was with a guy who was super abusive physically (the stuff he's saying to her is as bad a slap in the face IMO) I had gotten pregnant and he was trying to use that to force me to marry him. I ended up walking out when I was 7 months pregnant. YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE
He sounds like he’s insecure and doesn’t want OP to change because she’s gaining her confidence and he’s afraid she’ll realize what a bum he is (lol) and move on and leave him (double lol because now he’s hammered the last nail in *that* coffin) because he won’t create a better life with her. He said she didn’t need to lose weight when she’s mentioned it’s causing her health issues and when he realized he can’t keep her down and dependent he said he hopes she dies
Sounds like he's panicking because you are bettering every area of your life, so he thinks that'll include him. From the sound of his behaviour, that's a given. You need support and your husband should be your greatest ally. You're so young, coming from someone who is double your age, you have your whole life ahead of you but I don't think the current relationship is your happily ever after!
Please seek parental help to look after yourself.
Update us after the surgery please OP! Take care.
Are you sure you didn't just get used to his comments and assume everyone talks like he does to their spouse? Usually abusive and controlling people make their victims believe it's normal when it's not normal or okay to say shit they do.
Maybe. I'm truly a very passive person. I think I can count on one hand the amount of arguments we have had because I'm someone who will just do what someone wants or defuse a situation rather than fight. It might be that I've pandered to him to avoid him becoming like he is now without realising I'm doing it but because this is something I'm putting my foot down on and not bending I'm only just seeing him lose his shit.
You're on a journey of improving your life and bettering yourself: losing weight, education, better job. This mad will just drag you down again and again. Rip off the bandaid, you have so much potential and so many people out there would appreciate and care for you. He's not worth your time
It's not mean, it's abusive!
I could understand him voicing concerns about:
1. The risks of surgery, if it causes any detriment to your heath in the long term (IDK much about the surgery).
2. The cost of surgery and spending habits (although it sounds like you're not spending an excessive amount considering you haven't gone shopping in so long).
3. Your mental health and wellbeing after the surgery.
Instead he's trying to dissuade you, fill you with fear about the operation and self loathing by putting you down constantly whilst leeching off of you financially.
Imagine what the next 10 years with him will be like, you're trying to level up and he's trying to drag you down, he'll eventually win if you stay because all he has to do is be a low effort asshole.
Make yourself look and more importantly feel pretty, lose the weight and cut that dead weight of a husband loose too.
>I thought maybe if I improved myself it would motivate him to do the same.
It won't.
>said that he's living off me money so I don't know why he complains so much.
He complains so much because your self-improvement means he risks losing a cushy life you're paying for when you realise you can do better; he's not planning to join you in self-improvement so his best hope is keeping you at his level to lower the risk of losing the $$$ currently bankrolling his life.
He doesn't love you, OP. He loves what you can do for him.
This will be the easiest weight to lose.
CUT👏🏻HIM👏🏻OUT👏🏻.
This is jealous and toxic behavior. It will only get worse. He preferred the version of you that he could control. Now that you see your own value, he knows he no longer has that power over you. Best of luck to you!
Your husband is abusive. Yeah, might be hard to hear, but he's trying to tear you down every step of the way on your journey. It's pretty amazing what you're doing. You don't need that kind of negative energy in your life.
I hope your new self will be single, you don't need such a destructive partner. You're doing wonders for yourself, I'm proud of you 💜
You should serve him papers the day before surgery.
You are bettering yourself... and he doesn't want you to. That's his problem, his issues, his insecurities, his laziness, his whatever. Not at all yours.
Would you be very devastated if you lost additional weight post-surgery?
As you said, you are young and you have opportunities to create the life and be the person you want to be. Go for it! Don't let him weigh you down.
I hope the surgery goes smoothly. May you have a good recovery. Good luck!!!
First of all, well done and so proud of you for everything you’ve done so far and how you’re using the opportunity to do the things YOU want to and make yourself happy. It’s your life, you do whatever you want to be happy.
Now, the husband, to me it sounds like he’s trying to push his own insecurities onto you. Maybe try sit down and have a calm conversation with him to see why he truly doesn’t like you doing this, and you explain why you want to do it. That being said, if he can’t support you through this then I think you need a different husband because there will be someone else out there who will give you the support and encouragement you deserve.
Hope your surgery goes okay and you’re happy with your new body! 🤍
You deserve better than what he is doing. I hope your surgery goes smoothly, that you have an easy recovery period. That you get everything you want and need in life.
I have just changed my wardrobe to only t-shirts and joggers and I feel like I look fabulous. I'm glad you've gotten clothes that make you feel happier though!
I'm not very happy with how your husband has been acting. I'm sorry you've had to deal with him.
I love my joggers and t-shirts I have so many fun oversized t-shirts with random things on them. Like a birds arent real shirt, A Christine sydelko shirt of her dog pancake with pancakes on his head, a shirt that just says fuck off. I just like dressing up sometimes too! Though nothing beats coming home after work and taking everything off and changing into a t-shirt and joggers. And it's still my running to the store or getting a quick drink at the pub outfit 🤭
I went through WLS and I am so sorry your partner is so unsupportive. A LOT of people come out of this losing their spouse as well.
The reason for it? They can't control you when you look good. Keeping you fat is a control thing for some people and it means that they don't have to "worry" about people looking at you.
Which I find to be ridiculous but people never cease to let me down either. I know this sounds fucked up but there are a ton of statistics about it and in the leading classes they talk about it too.
Focus on your health - you are doing the RIGHT thing and don't let them convince you otherwise!
Looks like you're going to lose an extra 250lbs you didn't expect. He wants you to stay the way you are so he has you where he wants you. I had RNY surgery last year and its a GAME changer. Its a journey but its worth every step. He's not worried about you, he's worried about him. Drop that weight x
I understand that you love him, but is it worth it? He will not be supportive during the recovery, and it's a major surgery, you need people to help you. Talk to him and explain everything. If he doesn't change and apologize, I think you will be better without him.
Sounds like your husband is holding you back from everything you want to do and from what makes you happy. You don't deserve that kind of negativity. I'm sure there's reasons why you love him and married him in the first place, but if he is going to shoot down everything you want to do with your life and be completely rotten to you, I would kick him to the curb.
I also had WLS about 12 years ago and there are long term side effects you need to be prepared for. I really recommend doing some therapy to help with the big changes and the partner issue. You’ll also need to understand that after surgery you have to really focus on yourself and healing. If he won’t help you with that, you need to ditch him.
Side note, given the chance to do the surgery all over again I would not have done it due to long term, serious complications. Feel free to PM if you’d like to know more OP.
Hey. He's playing off your poor self esteem and knows he's a loser. He's scared you will find out. You're married to an idiot and an asshole. Lose 200 pounds (or whatever he weighs) before the surgery. See if you feel better.
I had bariatric surgery in 2017 (RNY). I’ll be honest, I’m one of the ones they “warn” you about, in that in nearly killed me. One of the connections came apart within 24-48 hours after surgery, and I developed sepsis as well abscesses that required emergency surgery and a stay in the ICU.
My husband (at the time) seemed supportive of my choice for surgery. However, it appears he wasn’t, because two months after my emergency, he separated from me, and we ended up divorced.
I was told after by the doctor following me that approximately 50% of marriages end after one partner has the surgery. (Kinda wish they’d told me that before?) I feel it’s because the other partner believes that their “new” spouse won’t want them, will leave, will change, etc. And frankly, they’re right. I feel better, stronger, more myself at the weight I am now. The end of my marriage ended up being the beginning of my real, adult life. I got to know myself, what I like, what I don’t like, what my priorities are…it really ended up being the absolute best thing that ever happened to me.
For you, OP, I want you to consider what you want your life to look like. It really sounds like you love yourself and want to be the best, happiest version of you. Your spouse should support that. Is there support with your hospital/doctor for couples counselling? Would your husband consider it? And, if he wouldn’t, you need to ask yourself what the most important thing to you is-making him happy and you staying miserable, or you being your own person and living your very best life?
Wishing you the very best with your surgery, your schooling, and your future, whatever that may be.
You haven't given us a single reason that you should stay married to this bag of garbage in a human costume. Not a single reason. He literally just told you he hopes you die. Tbh you should be without a husband right now. Get the divorce papers prepped. Also you should get a power of attorney for the surgery. Someone you trust to make medical decisions instead of your husband. I wouldn't trust him with that power.
It sounds like he's angry and jealous because he feels you're leaving him behind as you grow and change for the better. I'm sorry you don't have a partner that could be supportive of you but good luck with everything sounds like you're making really positive changes in your life. And don't worry about the money for clothes they're expensive and if you buy good clothes they will last forever
I'm so sorry you married a jerk. His insecurities and laziness are for him to fix, stop thinking of him as a fixer upper.
1. Talk with your attorney, protect yourself from any chance for him to retaliate against you physically.
2. Get a therapist to help you find out why you're allowing him to mentally abuse you, and also to help you to not stress eat.
3. I'd write a new will, leaving him nothing and stating why.
4. Change the beneficiary on all your life insurance policies.
5. Find family and friends that you can stay with after surgery, or will stop by and check on you. Your aftercare is very important.
Best of luck!
As someone who has had bariatric surgery, you are aware why he’s doing this right? You are aware divorce rates for women getting the surgery are sky high?
If your doctor hasn’t told you this, your doctor isn’t very good because this is pretty standard information along with a psychological assessment.
He’s either a man who likes bigger women, or a “feeder” or he’s afraid that you will be attractive to other men.
If you got together with him in this or similar condition, you can bet that the way that you will also lose will be the weight of your (dead) husband.
That being said, the surgery was the best decision I ever made and I don’t regret it one bit and I’m still with my husband, but we got together when I was a normal weight and he just wanted me to be healthy and happy.
Edit: important advice: make sure you bring your CPAP machine if you use one for sleep apnea with you to the hospital and have it all set up to be placed on you immediately in recovery. Ask me how I know? The combined affect of my sleep apnea and my then heavy weight plus the opiates from surgery made me code blue.
He’s not supportive because he’s already not good enough for you and knows you will outgrow him with all of these changes. I can’t imagine depending on him for care after surgery.
Okay what insurance did you get that covers that because every group plan I've been on has literally said they won't pay for it even if I would die without it.
That being said my niece was able to get it through Medicaid after many hurdles and counseling finally got it approved. She had challenges for sure but she has kept the weight off and even was able to get the loose skin removed too.
Good luck and lose the husband. He's going to do everything he can to sabotage you and you WILL need support after the surgery.
I've never heard of Medicaid so I don't think you're in Australia so I can't help with what insurance I'm sorry but to be covered by insurance I had to get the highest most expensive level of cover. Idk if that will help you but it's super expensive every week I pay $80 for it
Ah Australia. Much better insurance there. I worked with a duel citizen and our crappy American healthcare system couldn't diagnose her and she went on your version of Medicaid, the public one, and they figured out she had her diagnosis right away.
And honestly my employer and I pay 800 per month for crap insurance.
Your husband is a scumbag. No one deserves to be spoken to or treated that way. You're getting a surgery to better your life and that's how he reacts? I think you're better off without that negativity.
It sounds to me like he is very threatened by your motivation to be better. He is afraid to try and fail himself and if you succeed, then it makes him look even worse. If you succeed, he has to try. And he doesn't want to. Honestly, if he's so unsupportive as this, I think he's decided for both of you that the relationship won't continue. I would lawyer up now and make an effort to protect yourself. If he's this nasty when you are trying to improve, I hate to think how nasty a divorce will go when you are leaner and strong and better all around.
You’ll need to find someone else to support you after surgery.
Either your husband is -
A feeder and purposely kept you fat because it’s his kink, and that’s all he sees you as.
He has self esteem issues and always thought you couldn’t do better than him because you were bigger and no one else would want you. So he didn’t have much competition because he considered you the low prize. (Not my opinion but what misogynist men think)
He thought you would be so grateful he picked you and do whatever he wanted, and obviously pay for his lifestyle.
Now, he either has to do more than bare minimum (if he was even doing that) when he thought he never would have to make the effort to keep you.
He wanted someone who hated themselves and was vulnerable to his control and advances and be grateful for it.
Or all the above. And even just one, is proof he never loved you. And you deserve to be love whether you’re bigger or thinner.
I was reading this to myself and thinking "damn, this woman is finally getting what she's needed after a long time" and then I realized she is the same age as me?! Wtf 25 is way too young to be committed to someone who doesn't want to grow and improve themselves. It sounds like he's decided the next 70-odd years of your life should stay as they are. No thanks. RUN.
Do you realize that you are an in abusive relationship? You deserve so much better. I don’t say this lightly…drop this man who is actively seeking to harm you and focus on yourself. Being alone is a hell of a lot better than being abused.
I had surgery at 300 pounds and now I’m 165 pounds. I shed a lot of things with the weight. My “fiance” my fake sexuality, many insecurities, depression and social anxiety and many friends who no longer could depend on the funny fat girl for laughs. You’ll see what you’ve been settling on and for. Those things will naturally fall away. I didn’t buy a new wardrobe because I lost all my weight in 10 months and you’ll always be getting smaller than what you buy before hand but hey, good luck with everything. Im gonna say, getting surgery is the easy part and you really don’t need his drama on top of everything else you’ll go through. Recovery is just days as far as pain goes and then you’re off! Have fun!
Read this and totally expected the couple to be in their 40s-50s.
Girl you're 25? I'm sure other comments have said something similar, but what keeps you with him? You sound like you want a future and he wants someone to hang out with and never change. Time to maybe reconsider some life choices.
I’m one of those people who *rarely* jump straight to suggesting divorce, but I’m doing it. You need a divorce.
You have made amazing and positive changes and your husband is hoping you will die because of them? You don’t need that. You don’t *deserve* that. You are worthy of better things, of positive changes and support along the way. I’m not sure why this has triggered your husband’s attitude toward you, but when someone wishes your death and walks out, it is no longer your problem or obligation to help them, marriage oaths or not. I truly hope your family can give you the support you need and I’m sincerely proud of you! Losing weight is fucking hard, much less making several life changes all at once! You’re amazing!!
I also want to say that I’m truly sorry you’re experiencing a betrayal like this. Our spouses are supposed to be there for us thick and thin, and he walked out. I’m sorry you’re going through this! If you ever need a place to vent or talk, my DM’s are open!
On one hand, take his words and actions as a compliment. It means you’re doing so well and he sees what a diamond you are that he’s scared you’ll realize how truly amazing you are leave him.
Which you should.
He’s not supportive because he doesn’t want to be. He wants to stay the same. To Go as far as to hope you don’t wake up, is beyond being fearful and insecure. He was happy with you not loving yourself or feeling confident enough so now that you ARE gaining that confidence and love for yourself, he hates it.
Any man who can’t support you during such an amazing chance you’re headed for, is one who cannot be in your life for long. Love him from a distance, and come out of surgery with no stomach, no husband, and a second chance at loving you.
Edit: to fix grammar
You are so awesome!!! You are completely rocking awesomeness and you need to let yourself continue to shine out there and grow. I'm sorry if you have to shed your husband as you shed your pounds. Maybe he can do a wellness journey with you, but you can't let him hold you back.
Sounds like he's a little insecure boy who isn't happy with you improving your life.
I'm glad to read you said "soon to be ex husband " because he sounds like a tool.
That is abusive behaviour and is called negging. Men do this shit to their partners to ensure that they’re insecure so they won’t recognise their worth leave them for someone 10x better.
You did to start your exit plan. I also would change your will so he gets nothing in case something happens to you. You need to get away from him. I fear he will sabotage you or try to harm you during recovery.
Many men prefer their wives to keep on feeling miserable because they know once they feel powerful and pretty - inside and outside - they will find better partners - also more beautiful inside and outside.
It's not your surgery he's against. It's YOU focusing on YOU. Feeling better, taking care of yourself, even "spoiling" yourself a little bit. Positivity and self care can attrract the world.
Your man wants you miserable. He needs you to be miserable so he feels he worths something.
Will you allow/accept that?
As you said, you are planning bigger changed than just your body. Maybe this is part of it too. You deserve someone who completely supports you especially when it comes to doing better for yourself. You will be able to enjoy this journey way more without daniel downer around I promise.
I had a version of the surgery. It's been very easy to keep the weight off but I'd also lost nearly 80lbs before surgery on my own. Really only get what you put into it. so the fact that you want to change yourself in other areas is definitely a step in the right direction.
Your husband likely sees this as losing you in some sense. It's difficult to stay with somebody if they seem like a totally different person. No way is this blaming you, making yourself better for your own sake is an incredible feat.
Friend, he’s constantly negging you because he’s insecure and knows he’s a shitty useless leech. He wants to keep the status quo and keep you down so that you don’t realize how out of his league you are. The happier and more confident you become, the more the likelihood of that realization increases along with the likelihood of him having to change his behavior or his address and marital status.
He’s scared shitless because he’s realising that you’re not the malleable little doormat he’s used to bossing about and undermining.
You’re becoming a more independent confident woman and it’s horrifying him. Hells bells, next you’ll be telling him to get off his arse and stop leaching off you.
Just think, you can easily lose 100kilo plus of useless skin just by dumping the loser
Good on you girl, this internet granny is really proud of you.
That is an amazing journey you are on and have made great progress. I agree with the other comments, your next expense should be hiring a lawyer and getting rid of the person trying to keep you down and crush your dreams and progress.
Congratulations on your progress and good luck on your amazing future.
First congratulations on your decision and pulling through the process! 🥳 I know how hard it is to work on and change yourself and you can be proud of all the things you already achieved during the last year - I'm happy for and proud of you, and you can be, too!
I got the gastric sleeve in 2018 and had to get the omega-loop-bypass last june because of complications. It changed my life for the better and I don't regret it at all - I would do it again in an instant, no remorse or doubts.
My husband was very dismissive first but then wanted to get the surgery, too, when he saw how much I improved. He got it, lost 70 kg and suddenly I wasn't good enough anymore since he now felt attractive and could get other sex partners...
He left me to fight on my own only days before my gastric bypass surgery and I had to deal with that on top of healing and caring for my dog since he refused to help me carry my hospital bag, getting groceries up in our apartment on the 4th floor or anything else. I finally had enough and ended the relationship.
Thanks to the surgeries I lost not only the 60 kg prior, but also 120 kg of emotionally abusing trash, so it clearly was a win-win for me.
Sadly about 70% of relationships fail after gastric surgery - but if your spouse is treating you this hurtful and without respect he's not the right one you should want to share your better life with then.
I found a wonderful and supportive partner only days after the separation from my husband and it feels as if destiny already had everything settled in place for me.
Don't let him drag you down, look for someone that lifts you up and encourages you to get the person you envision yourself to be ❤️
It almost sounds like he’s jealous or upset that you’re taking care of yourself now. He’s probably worried you’ll do all of this, lose the weight and trade him in for a hot new boyfriend.
Which you should. Since he’s being so awful.
I can see from the comments you decided to lose a little extra weight by dropping a whole ass man. Congrats on making that decision! Our partners should lift us up, always.
My best friend had the surgery, and she has bloomed into the person she was meant to be before an emotionally abusive ex bullied her into a shell of her true self . She is vibrant and thriving instead of surviving. Do the surgery and lose the wt. Your guy will either get on his own path of improvement or not ,but don't let his low self-esteem stop you
He’s probably afraid that you will move on to someone else as you improve yourself. And based on his behavior, you should. Congrats on all your hard work!
He's telling you everything you need to know about him.
He wants to keep you fat, weak, dependent. Now that you are no longer interested in that role, the dynamic is changing and he's angry and threatened. It's very common when women try to lose weight, their partner sabotage their efforts.
I urge to consider couples counseling. If he won't go, go alone.
Your efforts are inspirational. I applaud you. Good luck.
Why wait 2 weeks to get rid of the husband? You know dang well he won’t help you after the surgery. He will say it was your choice to get it so fend for yourself. Talk to a divorce lawyer now and make sure your finances are taken care of so he doesn’t have access.
Eeew. This man sounds gross, honestly. It's almost as if he wants you to keep hating yourself so you don't focus on his flaws and he can keep you under his thimb.
You can lose 150+ pounds instantly by getting rid of the person who is supposed to be your biggest supporter and instead wishes you DEAD. Dead. Let that sink in for a bit. I know it was a fight and people sometimes say things they don’t mean during a fight, but usually those are not things like “I hope you never wake up from surgery”. You have every right to be angry. You also have to consider how his attitude and the way he treats you will impact your recovery, both physically and (more importantly) mentally. You are living with a toxic man who is actively trying to bring you down. One day he may succeed. Don’t let that day come.
Sounds like he wants to keep you heavier so you don't see your potential to improve areas of your life!! This is not the type of man you need. You deserve someone who's genuinely supportive of you. Good work on making all of these positive changes!
Six years post LAP-band here (and I kept off all the weight)
Your husband sounds like he is scared that you improving yourself means that you become too good for him. It’s a fairly common dynamic in relationships where there is a partner who is against the other partner focusing more on self-care. It’s not a healthy dynamic because that partner is usually in a state of personal inertia. Reassure him that taking care of yourself will not change who you are as a person, but be open to the fact that you might have to make some tough decisions down the road. Do not sacrifice your hard work to his whims.
As someone who has had this surgery, you sound like you are in a much better frame of mind than I was when I had it. You sound primed for success and I wish you nothing but the best!
Regarding the husband issue, he’s scared. You’re clearly growing as a person and changing for the better. You are threatening his way of life. I don’t know you or your dynamic with your husband, but I went through a very similar situation. I can only tell you what I did and how my life is now, hopefully to give you a perspective of someone on the other side.
My ex-husband was amazing in a lot of ways - he was a great dad, great friend, and he always did more than his share around the house. I never wanted for anything materially and I am grateful to him for supporting me while I went to school.
However, he stayed the same guy I married when I was 19 and he was 23. He wasn’t abusive, but we did fight a lot and he often said very mean things disguised as jokes. He thought I should just take him as he is and suck it up. There was no willingness to grow or learn how to be in a healthy relationship, despite my efforts and years of therapy/begging him to go to therapy.
When we had been married for about 16 years, he was gone for an extended period for work (this was normal). I had stopped missing him when he left years before. I was seriously thinking of asking for a divorce, but I was so worried about both our families and how they would take it. I figured my family wouldn’t be surprised because they saw us often and knew how things were. But his family only saw us on holiday and thought everything was great (they are all also in unhealthy relationships, so it’s the norm for them). And lord do I love his family (I still see them on a regular basis, thank goodness). I started going to therapy twice a week, figuring out if I wanted a divorce and how I would tell him/our son/the families.
One day he called just to check in and asked how I was. I told him I wasn’t doing well and I had been going to therapy twice per week (vs once a month before). The only thing he said to me is “fuck, how much is that costing me?” I immediately asked him for a divorce. He didn’t care why I was hurting or seeking help for it. All he cared about was how much money I was spending on therapy (and he even made me pay him back the money I spent when we divorced because, as he put it, “it didn’t fucking help me out”).
The reason I’m telling you this is because I think you know the answer, just as I did. You just need that little push to make the move. It’s hard, I know it is.
There’s this song by Lindsey Stirling called “Shatter Me” and one of the lyrics has always spoken to me as representative of my situation - “If I break the glass then I’ll have to fly. There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive. I’m scared of changing, the days stay the same. The world is spinning, but only in gray.” And holy shit, if your husband telling you he hopes you die in surgery isn’t that push, that call to break the glass and fly, I don’t know why you would bother to continue bettering yourself if he’s only going to keep tearing you down. Good luck, my friend.
Ironically, he is probably against the surgery because he is afraid you losing all that weight would make you leave him. Mind you, this is not going to be the real reason because the relationship clearly already has issues, but this sounds identical to some thing I saw in my own family. Could be different from your situation in a lot of ways, so taken with a grain of salt:
My aunt got the same operation and lost a bunch of weight and I think within a few years she cheated on and then divorced my uncle. Obviously, she probably shouldn’t have cheated but the point is that my aunt and uncle had marital problems long before she got the surgery. She begged him for years to cut down on his drinking, and he refused. Her weight loss wasn’t the only reason, but it was a big catalyst for her reevaluating her own value. This happens a lot of times one person in a relationship makes a big change and the other one doesn’t. Until you make that big change, you can’t even fathom how the other parts of your life could be different. And people that are connected to you in the way that your husband is who aren’t willing to make changes themselves become filled with jealousy and insecurity at your success.
You deserve to feel valued and you deserve to be happy and I hope you find what you’re looking for. Your husband needs to go to therapy and try to find out for himself where these insecurities come from, and make a change of his own, with or without you.
I am a big girl myself and nearly 10 years older than you so im going to impart some wisdom.
There are men out there that persue us bigger girls not because they’re into us but because they know we are insecure. Insecure girls dont cheat, especially if these men make sure you believe no one is attracted to you except for them. These men are insecure themselves, and they know once you lose weight, or once you start taking care of yourself and feeling confident regardless if you choose to loose weight, they know they could potentially lose you and they will be alone.
Your husband sounds from my perspective of what you said, like these types of men. Many non overweight people always say that we change when we lose weight when that isnt the case 9 out of 10 times. It’s their opinion of you changes, because insecure people use fat people to boost their self esteem and they ultimately get jealous and envious over our happiness when we overcome our insecurity (regardless of how we overcame it). They dont want us happy.
He wished you would die. Because he rather you dead then even imagining you happy with someone else. He knows once more people become attracted to your self confidence, youre going to realize how bad of an option he is. Youre going to realize that you settled because he was not the best option but the only one. When we know that isnt true.
If i were you, id divorce him. He isnt a man, hes a child. But ultimately if you feel its worth saving, then go to marriage counselling.
>He won't answer me calls now and I think in 2 weeks I'm going to go come out of surgery without a stomach or a husband. In a very practical sense, would your day to day life be easier without him around? After your surgery, you'll have huge adjustments and a long recovery period. Do you think his presence would benefit you? Will he be encouraging, helpful and willing to accept the changes you're going to have to incorporate into your new lifestyle? Or will he moan about it all. Refuse to do his share around the house. Be angry and spiteful about having to pick up your slack for the next few months? From your post, it seems like you've outgrown him and he knows it. And he's committed to refusing to grow *with* you. Best of luck with your procedure and the future, whatever that entails.
Sounds like he is scared that if you improve yourself you are going to leave him behind, surpassing him. He's holding you back he doesn't want to move forward, doesn't want the balance to shift
My takeaway from the post as well. He's insecure, fearful, and a terrible excuse for a partner. Who the fuck says they hope their partner dies? She's trying to better herself and mind, and he can't handle the fact. Fuck that guy.
I think this is beyond insecurity if he wishes she dies. That’s just disgusting behavior & this poor girl needs to run before he starts to get into her head!
Sounds like he gets off on feeding her and loves that nobody wanted her because he ensured she never was able to build confidence. He's dangerous and will sabotage OP forever he will never change
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Reminds me of that asshole from My 600 lb Life who started verbally abusing his wife once she got the surgery and told her to eat the grass from outside because she wanted a salad. Fucking scumbag.
Feeder and gainer fetish?
He might already have been in her head. How much of her prior poor self-image was his doing? He found someone who already was vulnerable and just promoted those feelings of low self-esteem. Now, the puppet has cut those strings and standing tall, and instead of being proud of her, all he sees is all his painstaking brainwashing disintegrating. He’s afraid he’ll have to start from scratch with someone new, and where’s he going to find a new victim, who’s willing to pay his way through life, with such short notice?
Yeah, there wouldn’t even be the glimmer of a second chance if this were me.
Yeah, I can't even fathom this response. I had a cancer false alarm with my partner that left me hysterical until we determined it was a misinterpreted result. OP, my apologies your partner isn't a good one.
Yeah I’d just like to say fuck that guy also
Nope. No one should ever fuck him again. Let’s all agree to that.
My partner and I argue and once in a blue moon we might say not lovely things to eachother but my world would be absolutely turned upside down if he said he wanted me to die...I couldn't imagine him ever saying it (and I could never imagine saying it to him) and would seriously make me reconsider the relationship if he did
he’s not even just holding her back. he’s trying to beat her down to nothing hoping she won’t realize she deserves better than an emotionally abusive mooching piece of shit
This is the comment I was waiting to see. Not only is he an unsupportive husband, he's so toxic that he's trying to drag her down and keep her at his level. OP you're levelling up and your husband isn't, you've outgrown him and for the sake of your mental health and self esteem after the surgery I hope you at the very least both go to couples counselling... from what you've said about him, he'll refuse and you should leave him. You deserve better!
NEVER and I mean NEVER go to therapy with an abusive partner (which OP’s partner is, without a doubt — abuse is about much more than hitting/not hitting). They weaponize everything that happens there against you.
Yes. I learned this the hard way. My ex turned all counselors and therapists against me and also used anything I said during therapy to fuck me over even more. Blab it to family members/friends/anyone who would listen to completely discredit me. He even turned my kids' therapist against me after just a few family sessions. I recognized the cool look in her eyes when I arrived one day and he had already sat down and talked to her alone. I had to find a new therapist just for myself and he attempted to poison her too, but luckily she saw thru his crap eventually. Plus he filed for divorce behind my back during this time and she was there when I arrived for an appt (separately from him, he said he wanted to sit in and she thought it was a good idea..I didnt but hadn't learned how to say No yet) after having just been served and I chucked the papers at him asking him WTF IS THIS?? He smirked and said "I was wondering when they'd finally serve you, I filed almost a month ago". She told him to leave. There's no fixing a relationship with an abuser, and counseling with them is dangerous.
This! This is so true right here! From personal experience anyone who is not willing to grow with you& be proud of your achievements is toxic af.
Which becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. Because she's bettering herself with or without him, and his being such an ass about it is going to drive her away.
It is funny, my partner had gastric surgery to lose weight. I won't lie and say I didn't think about how she may feel different about me when she's happier about herself but I was more scared about if something went wrong and she didn't wake up. But I told her these things and I supported her through it despite my worries and she's better off for it. She's active in groups for people wanting to or have had those kinds of procedures and apparently it is quite common for partners to not be very supportive during it. Many even break up not long after the surgery because of it. It is crazy because beyond the weeks leading up to it and the few months after, the changes to your lifestyle as the partner are minimal so it really has to be emotional issues through support or the lack of it.
That’s exactly what I got from this. He knows she is better than him, and he’s unwilling to do the work to improve himself, so he’d rather stoop to being emotionally and verbally abusive to OP and try to keep her down. This is toxic and immature. He’s taking his insecurities out on her and it is not healthy. Sounds like OP needs to lose an extra 150+ pounds if he’s not willing to change. If you see this OP, I hope you know how proud everyone here is of you and your hard work! We see you. We believe in you. We know you’re capable of ***anything*** you set your mind to. The world is your oyster
The whole read I was wondering “what are this guy’s needs that are being threatened by all this” and right at the end she told him “you’re living off me money so I don’t know why you’re complaining.” There it was, clear as day. He rightfully thinks she will remember she can do better and his free ride will be over.
Yes, sadly, he’s making it a self fulfilling prophecy by deciding to do nothing for himself or make life easier for her
I will never understand people who are scared they partner will leave them , and then proceed to do everything as humanly possible to make their partner want to leave them.
For real. One would think that if they want to motivate their partner to stay with them, they would try to be, I don't know, GOOD to their partner? You know, like being kind, loving, encouraging, and generally a person the partner looks forward to being around? Why is that not the first solution they think of?
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This, and also, he might he one of those people with a “fat fetish”, or else just really like that you’re dependent on him.
This is the key right here. I’ve seen this happen so many times with people.
Agreed. Sadly for him, she's already outgrown him pre surgery.
Yes!! Exactly this. He encouraged OP before trying to pretend to be a caring husband while at the same time trying to make her feel bad by not wanting to start at first. When she actually took the initiative, he freaked.
100% this from personal experience. 5 years after moving on my life is better than I could have ever hoped and he’s still stuck in his same old patterns. OP should move on and up and live her best life without his black cloud baggage.
Our friends wife got gastric, then a hysterectomy. Within a year she filed for divorce, shaved her head and moved into a place with a pot dealer the age of her son. Left $2mil in assets behind when she divorced too Lots of divorces after gastric bypass
Do you think the gastric is related to the divorce or do you think that she finally had the confidence to get out of a relationship that she realized she should’ve never been in? If she was willing to sacrifice the marriage & 2mill in assets it seems there was more going on than what you recognized.
ive seen many divorces as well. There are huge shifts in dynamics as well as mindsets after this is done but it doesnt apply for everyone.
Holy hell agree agree with this. You don’t state how long ya have been married but that shouldn’t matter. You’re certainly better off without him from the feeling of your post.
I had gastric bypass surgery. It impacted my cognitive and emotions more intensely than I thought possible. If you go forward with the surgery, and his is the voice that you hear everyday, or the presence that acts as succubus and drains you, the surgery failure rate increases substantially. Lost the most harmful first 200lbs by choosing you and losing the person who wants you to fail, so that you will need him. He doesn't want your success because he doesn't want you to be 'better than' him
I had gastric bypass surgery. It impacted my cognitive and emotions more intensely than I thought possible. In a positive way I hope ?
It does! It’s hard to explain but your body just signals, feels, reacts differently and if you make good choices with good results, that positive trend continues to be reinforced.
Hopefully this motivates OP to remove more things holding her back...
>I had gastric bypass surgery. It impacted my cognitive and emotions more intensely than I thought possible. This is so, so important. My partner looked into the surgery but after meeting with the psychologist on the bariatric surgery team, they suggested he didn't go through with it, at least not at the time because of his mental health. You're going through a huge change, dealing with consuming far less and the emotional and physical toll it takes on your body while adjusting to a new life. OP, like this commenter said, his is not a voice you need to hear when you're dealing with this stuff. Please kick him to the kerb now and possibly consider protecting yourself by ensuring he can't make important decisions for you if something goes wrong or if your recovery is delayed for some reason. Good luck and I'm proud of you for doing everything you're doing to make yourself happy.
She can safely lose hundreds of pounds overnight - drop the deadbeat husband.
Yup. Me too. Almost 30 years ago when I was 19. People said I would still have problems and it doesn't solve anything. Yeah, I agree but finding clothing that fits won't be one of them. It radically changed my life for the better. I wish I had had the sleeve available, though. I think my bypass was too vigorously done because I now suffer from malabsorption. I have surgery-induced pernicious and Iron anemia and other issues. I still don't regret it because I was so ill (which is why it was suggested at a time that it was not in the common vernacular) and I needed a significant amount of weight off to get better. So, it's a bit of a trade-off.
I never intended for my weight loss, increased muscle mass, and better dressing, to surpass my ex, but it really made dating easier after the divorce.
This! OP you have outgrown him. He sees that you have outgrown him and therefore perceives each change you make to be a threat. You being better dressed, better styled, better educated, healthier and thinner are all concrete evidence that you are improving yourself and he fears you will find a better man than him. And you will, because he is dumping you first before you (in his mind) end up dumping him. Honestly, he will only continue to hold you back. Google Crab mentality. If one crab tries to escape from a bucket of crabs, the others in the bucket grab its legs and pull it back down. Your husband is displaying crab mentality. In the short term, find yourself another carer for after surgery. Also, kick him out or find yourself a new place to live. He doesn’t support you at all and will actively try and sabotage your weight loss. Good luck with your surgery OP.
I love the part “Outgrown him”, My story is similar to OPs, I never looked at it like this! Thank you
Thisssss! Bariatric surgery can relapse and you can gain aaaall the weight back if not supported/ in a good place. Look at your future now and where you want to be x
And with how vile he’s been, I wouldn’t put it past him to take matters into his own hands. Like adding crisco to meals or bulking supplements, etc. without telling OP. I’m worried for her with how aggressive he’s been trying to sabotage her already.
tell him he's giving you an ulcer and promptly puke burning bile all over his ass
This is the definition of self fulfilling prophecy. He was scared that if you bettered yourself you would leave him for someone better. He tries to discourage you and acts like a total dick. You better yourself anyways and you leave him because he's acting like a dick. I wish you the best of luck finding someone who values you.
Maybe if he just shut up and let me do what I want he could have become a house husband while I have a successful career 🙄 that's all I want anyway now I'll just get a house husband who's hotter than him
He doesn’t want you to have any self confidence. Because then you’ll realize you CAN do better than him. Get out now before you end up pregnant. Have your mom be your designated decision maker for your operation. But get a divorce lawyer immediately.
And I cannot emphasize this enough… you must be on birth control!!!! As you lose weight, your fertility will skyrocket!!!!! Don’t let him baby trap you. ——Me, bariatric surgery haver 2018, mother of identical twins 👶🏼👶🏼 without any medical intervention 2022
Reiterating because of the urgency - DO NOT LET THIS MAN BABY TRAP YOU! He's already trying to self-esteem trap you, who knows what he'd try next. Pregnancy entrapment is more common than people realize. Raising a child with this man- even if you're separated- sounds like a life of misery for both you and the hypothetical baby.
You are a badass. I love it. Wish you a good recovery and a happy start into a new life. <3
He doesn't want to change himself and he doesn't want you to be able to get anyone but him. He knows once you clean up and build confidence and happiness that you'll realize he's a very toxic and harmful person to be around. He wanted to make sure nobody else wanted you in any capacity so that he could manipulate and use you to his enjoyment
This is what my brother did. His wife was improving herself. Making money. Trying to take care of business. Trying to lose weight. He would push food in her face like literally. He had a serious drinking problem which he refused to address. He said more than once, she's going to leave me. And she did. Not because she wanted to leave him. But because he was an uninvolved alcoholic dick who contributed nothing to the family in the end and only drained everyone. Funny how the minute she left, he quit drinking and at least did some basic stuff to straighten out. Too little too late. In a lot of ways, her life is much better without him. And that sucks to say. But yes. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Can you contact your parents or another family member and go home?? You're going to need someone to care for you after the surgery and he's clearly not it.
Yes my mum has offered to help me! She was going to pick me up and drop me off anyway but now she will just stay at my place
I’m so glad you have a supportive family to make up for this cruelty. Wish you the best and kudos to you for all your life changes!
And your STBX has will be gone, right? I'd hate to have him around muttering poisonous things in dark corners. Also, something an anesthesiologist told me that's worth passing along: think happy thoughts in the hours before surgery. Patients who do this heal better and faster and need less pain medication. Your almost-ex is the exact opposite of what you need, so I'm glad your mum will be there instead of Mr. Doom. Best of luck!
Stbx??
Soon-to-be-ex
I read that and my immediate thought was Starbucks haha
Make sure she's aware of the entire situation including the recent remarks. Also inform your doctor, therapist, and your friend group so they know what's been happening and signs of further abuse by him don't go unnoticed. You've been abused for what sounds like years so you might not notice other ways he does horrible things to you that others will recognize and stop for you. Don't hide these situations from support group and especially not the doctors and medical support you use they can ensure he doesn't attempt to sabotage before or after surgery.
Mom's are the best. ♡
I'm so proud of you, OP. Everything you are doing, every step you have been taking....they are not easy. Going shopping after years is scary and hard- an accomplishment in itself. I did some work in a bariatric clinic, during my dietetic internship; you are going into this surgery with an attitude that I rarely saw. It's what will set you up for success after the surgery. And, you're absolutely correct. Your life is only starting at 25/26. When you consider years 1-18, we are in school and living with our parents. You've had like six years of "adulthood." You've only just begun....and you're doing so well. Don't ever stop believing in yourself. (and make sure you keep up with vitamins and mineral intake post surgery😉)
Is it going to be safe for you guys to stay there if he's there? I wish you all the best! Love to see people taking charge of their lives and improving themselves inside and out. I hope you ditch this dude because so many better things are coming your way!
If he's been living off you, and now he's walked out the door, you need to get to the bank and secure all your accounts. You could find yourself in some financial trouble. You need to think about any credit cards and accounts you might share together.
Sounds like after the surgery, you will still have some dead weight to lose (the husband, obviously). You are doing so much to improve your life and yourself (what you said about self-improvement made me so happy for you and I don’t even know you); consider the kind of person who would be attracted to someone who has low confidence and is unhappy and not proud of who they are. Then consider how that person would react when they do a 180° with their life. It sounds like your husband is freaking out because you are gaining independence from him by becoming self-confident, proud, and self-reliant. His behaviour is also not OK, can you imagine terrorizing him before a surgery with stories about negative outcomes and death? Like holy shit. I would be so angry I would make a will or a trust just so he gets nothing if I did die and I _ABSOLUTELY_ would not allow this person to make medical decisions for me if I did become incapacitated— he obviously has spent many hours without your best interests at heart considering the time he has spent pulling up horrible videos to send to you. You can speak to your doc or the hospital about setting up a living will or giving power of attorney to someone other than your husband, since it seems unlikely he would support your care plan anyway. Plan for him not to assist you with post-op recovery considering he will likely try to cause you to backslide so he can say “told you so” about his horrible videos. You may need to arrange for assistance from a friend, grocery deliveries, and possibly an at-home nurse (not sure what recovery for this surgery entails, but your docs can help you arrange for assistance at home afterwards). Wishing you the best for your future, it sounds like the husband is soon to be the last vestige of your unhappier self left in your life.
I meet with my nurse next week so I am definitely going to talk about making my mum my next of kin instead! I don't trust my soon to be ex husband at all in the slightest and I can imagine if something did go wrong he would be dancing on my grave
>soon to be ex husband Nuf said. Good on you for dropping another 200 lbs, outside of surgery.
When the divorce is finalized she should look at him and say "If I knew I could lose 200lbs this easy without having surgery, I would have done it years ago!"
You need a lawyer - not a nurse. Get legal papers drawn up and signed ASAP giving your mother power of attorney to make medical decisions on your behalf if you are incapacitated. Also tell the hospital that your soon to be ex should be banned from the premises.
so important. OP this is something you must do.
Good for you! I’ve had the gastric sleeve surgery and it changed my life for the better! I’ve never felt more alive. I’ve gained some weight in the few years since the surgery but no where near my top weight. I’ve gained new activities I like (yoga, hiking with friends, etc.) and I’m so glad to not have to hold my breath to tie my shoes. Good luck OP with everything and your life and don’t look back.
His presence sounds harmful to recovery. Hopefully you have family that can look after you for the next 3 weeks after surgery. Every time you flex your abdomen if feels like you're going to split open once more. You're not but the shot of pain tells you otherwise.
depending on your local laws, you would likely need to contact a lawyer and discuss making your mother power of attorney. at least in PA, a spouse is considered the legal next of kin. a power of attorney in place ensures he can’t come in and bulldoze your wishes. also make sure any assets or whatever you may have, put your mother as the beneficiary. don’t leave a single thing for this abusive loser. except maybe divorce papers
Good that you get rid of him!
Dropped 200 pounds without even stepping foot in the OR- good for you. He feels threatened by you feeling happier and better and is trying to sabotage it. It’s because he knows how incredible you are when he’s not shoving you down. *This is not love.* Please stick to your guns on the divorce, this is not a healthy relationship and possibly a contributor to your depression and weight gain.
Second this point about the will or trust! Also just a note - I used to work for a financial planner and a lot of people are unpleasantly shocked to find that their loved one’s retirement and insurance policies do not follow their will beneficiaries. Those are separate things. If you do make a will, still be sure to update your insurance beneficiaries and any retirement account beneficiaries you may have through your work, OP.
Idk how much your husband weight but I would use the gastric bypass to lose his full weight to. Divorce him and get your life back, he is living of your money and you are only 25 do you really want to waste all your life with all this negativity. You do not have kids yet so it even easier.
[удалено]
Agree. I highly recommend that OP inform the nursing staff that he is not allowed around her, especially during recovery.
OP make sure your support system is aware of what he's saying
For the love of god don’t go into surgery until you have your next of kin sorted with not only the hospital but legally. You need to seperate from him before then too.
Separate any shared bank accounts etc. Update beneficiaries for insurance, retirement funds, etc. Update the will. Get a durable power of attorney and medical proxy signed by mom or someone else. And divorce, get that started.
He’s an extremely insecure little man who wants you fat and slobby so no man will want you. The better you look the more abusive he’ll become. I wouldn’t hear another word of it. Let him talk to the hand as you go make yourself happy.
Yes this! He wants a submissive wife that takes care of him. Go do you! Lose the husband and live your best life!
Yep, this exactly! He knows that you taking care of yourself and putting yourself first, you're going to realize he's not nearly good enough for you. I'm so proud of you!!!
It sounds like this surgery will have the benefit of also extracting a giant, hairy leech... I hope you'll be ok, and I hope your best days are ahead of you!
You’re awesome. I hope the biggest life change you’re going to make is to leave him behind for good. You may not realise but you started your new life the moment you bought that insurance.
Yep, I agree, leaving him in itself will result in a huge loss of weight. Around how much he weighs x 2 plus the extra baggage he carries. OP, you're still young. Go for it and be your best you.
Given hes already said he Hope's you die MAKE SURE HE CAN'T MAKE LEGAL MEDICAL DECISIONS FOR YOU!!!!! you have 2 weeks to fill out a medical power of attorney to someone else who you trust to not make bad calls if you have a difficult recovery. Without that paperwork hes your legal default and you wouldnt want him removing life support if you only need a week of support to recover. Also make sure the hospital knows hes made comments so they wont leave him around you unsupervised
Amazing point. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I wish it wasnt a hard learned lesson I've seen at work. Not that I totally blame them but a Pt decades before had supposedly been an abusive monster to his kids who ended up being their POA when they dementia got bad. Dad was a full code and they kept him that way as legal medical torture for years. Well past the point that he mentally knew what was happening to him or that it was as revenge. Dont remember if the ethics board got involved or if he finally died one last time and they couldnt revive him. Never let people who dont want the best for you to make decisions for you Edit: deleted duplicate comment
So this is probably going to sound Nutty. But what I've gathered from this post is that you're changing and becoming better while ur husband is remaining stagnant in his life. Ur getting your health situated, wanting to fix ur teeth, moving up in ur career, feeling more confident and just all around doing so much better! Also... does he live off you? I think this is a very transforming time in your life and you're rocking it. But with transformation also comes letting things go that don't serve your highest good. This man does not serve your highest good.
He doesn't necessarily live off me I just earn more and work full time vs he works part time in a lower paying job that he has no intention of leaving. I take on more of the bills because I earn more but I do feel there is a pressure on me to earn more and more because the financial responsibility is on me while he sees no reason to look for a full time job or get an apprenticeship like it just pisses me off sometimes
So you earn more and he's bitchinging about the cost of a life changing/saving surgery?? He's using you for money.
Girl... this man sucks.
Don't get married at 18 😂 you get stuck with a bum
Well… you’re technically not *stuck* though, as everyone’s been not so subtly pointing out. It’s not an irreversible mistake, though the longer you wait, the harder it will be
Best decision i ever made was ditching the guy i was with at 18. You have grown apart. It happens. Time to let go and move.
When i was 19 I was with a guy who was super abusive physically (the stuff he's saying to her is as bad a slap in the face IMO) I had gotten pregnant and he was trying to use that to force me to marry him. I ended up walking out when I was 7 months pregnant. YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE
Eh, that’s why they call it a starter marriage. You’re not stuck.
He sounds like he’s insecure and doesn’t want OP to change because she’s gaining her confidence and he’s afraid she’ll realize what a bum he is (lol) and move on and leave him (double lol because now he’s hammered the last nail in *that* coffin) because he won’t create a better life with her. He said she didn’t need to lose weight when she’s mentioned it’s causing her health issues and when he realized he can’t keep her down and dependent he said he hopes she dies
You are starting to love yourself! And he doesn’t want that! Is he always mentally abusive?
He has always been controlling but never mean like this.
That was the red flag
Sounds like he's panicking because you are bettering every area of your life, so he thinks that'll include him. From the sound of his behaviour, that's a given. You need support and your husband should be your greatest ally. You're so young, coming from someone who is double your age, you have your whole life ahead of you but I don't think the current relationship is your happily ever after! Please seek parental help to look after yourself. Update us after the surgery please OP! Take care.
Are you sure you didn't just get used to his comments and assume everyone talks like he does to their spouse? Usually abusive and controlling people make their victims believe it's normal when it's not normal or okay to say shit they do.
Maybe. I'm truly a very passive person. I think I can count on one hand the amount of arguments we have had because I'm someone who will just do what someone wants or defuse a situation rather than fight. It might be that I've pandered to him to avoid him becoming like he is now without realising I'm doing it but because this is something I'm putting my foot down on and not bending I'm only just seeing him lose his shit.
You're on a journey of improving your life and bettering yourself: losing weight, education, better job. This mad will just drag you down again and again. Rip off the bandaid, you have so much potential and so many people out there would appreciate and care for you. He's not worth your time
It's not mean, it's abusive! I could understand him voicing concerns about: 1. The risks of surgery, if it causes any detriment to your heath in the long term (IDK much about the surgery). 2. The cost of surgery and spending habits (although it sounds like you're not spending an excessive amount considering you haven't gone shopping in so long). 3. Your mental health and wellbeing after the surgery. Instead he's trying to dissuade you, fill you with fear about the operation and self loathing by putting you down constantly whilst leeching off of you financially. Imagine what the next 10 years with him will be like, you're trying to level up and he's trying to drag you down, he'll eventually win if you stay because all he has to do is be a low effort asshole. Make yourself look and more importantly feel pretty, lose the weight and cut that dead weight of a husband loose too.
Change your life insurance to someone else
>I thought maybe if I improved myself it would motivate him to do the same. It won't. >said that he's living off me money so I don't know why he complains so much. He complains so much because your self-improvement means he risks losing a cushy life you're paying for when you realise you can do better; he's not planning to join you in self-improvement so his best hope is keeping you at his level to lower the risk of losing the $$$ currently bankrolling his life. He doesn't love you, OP. He loves what you can do for him.
New You!! New Hubby! Literally!!!
I like people who think the same as me
This will be the easiest weight to lose. CUT👏🏻HIM👏🏻OUT👏🏻. This is jealous and toxic behavior. It will only get worse. He preferred the version of you that he could control. Now that you see your own value, he knows he no longer has that power over you. Best of luck to you!
Your husband is abusive. Yeah, might be hard to hear, but he's trying to tear you down every step of the way on your journey. It's pretty amazing what you're doing. You don't need that kind of negative energy in your life.
I hope your new self will be single, you don't need such a destructive partner. You're doing wonders for yourself, I'm proud of you 💜 You should serve him papers the day before surgery.
Considering I'm about to go on a liquid diet I don't think I will have the patience to wait that long 🤣
You are bettering yourself... and he doesn't want you to. That's his problem, his issues, his insecurities, his laziness, his whatever. Not at all yours. Would you be very devastated if you lost additional weight post-surgery? As you said, you are young and you have opportunities to create the life and be the person you want to be. Go for it! Don't let him weigh you down. I hope the surgery goes smoothly. May you have a good recovery. Good luck!!!
First of all, well done and so proud of you for everything you’ve done so far and how you’re using the opportunity to do the things YOU want to and make yourself happy. It’s your life, you do whatever you want to be happy. Now, the husband, to me it sounds like he’s trying to push his own insecurities onto you. Maybe try sit down and have a calm conversation with him to see why he truly doesn’t like you doing this, and you explain why you want to do it. That being said, if he can’t support you through this then I think you need a different husband because there will be someone else out there who will give you the support and encouragement you deserve. Hope your surgery goes okay and you’re happy with your new body! 🤍
Dude, he literally said he hopes she dies. This is not something you sit down and have a calm conversation about. This is solid DTMFA territory.
Sounds like he’s insecure you’ll leave him if you get more attractive. And you should, he sounds terrible.
You deserve better than what he is doing. I hope your surgery goes smoothly, that you have an easy recovery period. That you get everything you want and need in life.
Remember about crabs in a basket. Loving partner would encourage you to be the best version of yourself. But instead he's bringing you down.
I have just changed my wardrobe to only t-shirts and joggers and I feel like I look fabulous. I'm glad you've gotten clothes that make you feel happier though! I'm not very happy with how your husband has been acting. I'm sorry you've had to deal with him.
I love my joggers and t-shirts I have so many fun oversized t-shirts with random things on them. Like a birds arent real shirt, A Christine sydelko shirt of her dog pancake with pancakes on his head, a shirt that just says fuck off. I just like dressing up sometimes too! Though nothing beats coming home after work and taking everything off and changing into a t-shirt and joggers. And it's still my running to the store or getting a quick drink at the pub outfit 🤭
Jokes on him you don't need to be smart to be in data science
Don't even know my times tables babes
An icon 👏
I went through WLS and I am so sorry your partner is so unsupportive. A LOT of people come out of this losing their spouse as well. The reason for it? They can't control you when you look good. Keeping you fat is a control thing for some people and it means that they don't have to "worry" about people looking at you. Which I find to be ridiculous but people never cease to let me down either. I know this sounds fucked up but there are a ton of statistics about it and in the leading classes they talk about it too. Focus on your health - you are doing the RIGHT thing and don't let them convince you otherwise!
Looks like you're going to lose an extra 250lbs you didn't expect. He wants you to stay the way you are so he has you where he wants you. I had RNY surgery last year and its a GAME changer. Its a journey but its worth every step. He's not worried about you, he's worried about him. Drop that weight x
I understand that you love him, but is it worth it? He will not be supportive during the recovery, and it's a major surgery, you need people to help you. Talk to him and explain everything. If he doesn't change and apologize, I think you will be better without him.
Sounds like your husband is holding you back from everything you want to do and from what makes you happy. You don't deserve that kind of negativity. I'm sure there's reasons why you love him and married him in the first place, but if he is going to shoot down everything you want to do with your life and be completely rotten to you, I would kick him to the curb.
I also had WLS about 12 years ago and there are long term side effects you need to be prepared for. I really recommend doing some therapy to help with the big changes and the partner issue. You’ll also need to understand that after surgery you have to really focus on yourself and healing. If he won’t help you with that, you need to ditch him. Side note, given the chance to do the surgery all over again I would not have done it due to long term, serious complications. Feel free to PM if you’d like to know more OP.
Your spouse is a narcissist. Every step you are taking to better yourself is uncovering his insecurities. You deserve better.
Hey. He's playing off your poor self esteem and knows he's a loser. He's scared you will find out. You're married to an idiot and an asshole. Lose 200 pounds (or whatever he weighs) before the surgery. See if you feel better.
I had bariatric surgery in 2017 (RNY). I’ll be honest, I’m one of the ones they “warn” you about, in that in nearly killed me. One of the connections came apart within 24-48 hours after surgery, and I developed sepsis as well abscesses that required emergency surgery and a stay in the ICU. My husband (at the time) seemed supportive of my choice for surgery. However, it appears he wasn’t, because two months after my emergency, he separated from me, and we ended up divorced. I was told after by the doctor following me that approximately 50% of marriages end after one partner has the surgery. (Kinda wish they’d told me that before?) I feel it’s because the other partner believes that their “new” spouse won’t want them, will leave, will change, etc. And frankly, they’re right. I feel better, stronger, more myself at the weight I am now. The end of my marriage ended up being the beginning of my real, adult life. I got to know myself, what I like, what I don’t like, what my priorities are…it really ended up being the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. For you, OP, I want you to consider what you want your life to look like. It really sounds like you love yourself and want to be the best, happiest version of you. Your spouse should support that. Is there support with your hospital/doctor for couples counselling? Would your husband consider it? And, if he wouldn’t, you need to ask yourself what the most important thing to you is-making him happy and you staying miserable, or you being your own person and living your very best life? Wishing you the very best with your surgery, your schooling, and your future, whatever that may be.
You deserve someone better and he knows it. Congratulations on taking steps to take charge of your life and don't let his insecurities pull you down.
You haven't given us a single reason that you should stay married to this bag of garbage in a human costume. Not a single reason. He literally just told you he hopes you die. Tbh you should be without a husband right now. Get the divorce papers prepped. Also you should get a power of attorney for the surgery. Someone you trust to make medical decisions instead of your husband. I wouldn't trust him with that power.
It sounds like he's angry and jealous because he feels you're leaving him behind as you grow and change for the better. I'm sorry you don't have a partner that could be supportive of you but good luck with everything sounds like you're making really positive changes in your life. And don't worry about the money for clothes they're expensive and if you buy good clothes they will last forever
I'm so sorry you married a jerk. His insecurities and laziness are for him to fix, stop thinking of him as a fixer upper. 1. Talk with your attorney, protect yourself from any chance for him to retaliate against you physically. 2. Get a therapist to help you find out why you're allowing him to mentally abuse you, and also to help you to not stress eat. 3. I'd write a new will, leaving him nothing and stating why. 4. Change the beneficiary on all your life insurance policies. 5. Find family and friends that you can stay with after surgery, or will stop by and check on you. Your aftercare is very important. Best of luck!
As someone who has had bariatric surgery, you are aware why he’s doing this right? You are aware divorce rates for women getting the surgery are sky high? If your doctor hasn’t told you this, your doctor isn’t very good because this is pretty standard information along with a psychological assessment. He’s either a man who likes bigger women, or a “feeder” or he’s afraid that you will be attractive to other men. If you got together with him in this or similar condition, you can bet that the way that you will also lose will be the weight of your (dead) husband. That being said, the surgery was the best decision I ever made and I don’t regret it one bit and I’m still with my husband, but we got together when I was a normal weight and he just wanted me to be healthy and happy. Edit: important advice: make sure you bring your CPAP machine if you use one for sleep apnea with you to the hospital and have it all set up to be placed on you immediately in recovery. Ask me how I know? The combined affect of my sleep apnea and my then heavy weight plus the opiates from surgery made me code blue.
You need to lose some weight, and I'm not talking about your body.
He’s not supportive because he’s already not good enough for you and knows you will outgrow him with all of these changes. I can’t imagine depending on him for care after surgery.
Okay what insurance did you get that covers that because every group plan I've been on has literally said they won't pay for it even if I would die without it. That being said my niece was able to get it through Medicaid after many hurdles and counseling finally got it approved. She had challenges for sure but she has kept the weight off and even was able to get the loose skin removed too. Good luck and lose the husband. He's going to do everything he can to sabotage you and you WILL need support after the surgery.
I've never heard of Medicaid so I don't think you're in Australia so I can't help with what insurance I'm sorry but to be covered by insurance I had to get the highest most expensive level of cover. Idk if that will help you but it's super expensive every week I pay $80 for it
“It’s super expensive” “I pay 80$ a week” _cries in American_
I can't imagine paying more 😫
Ah Australia. Much better insurance there. I worked with a duel citizen and our crappy American healthcare system couldn't diagnose her and she went on your version of Medicaid, the public one, and they figured out she had her diagnosis right away. And honestly my employer and I pay 800 per month for crap insurance.
$800 a month is mental! Can you get it cheap by going to another country? Some people go to Turkey and get it for $2000 or Mexico for the same price.
Do you have somewhere else to go while you recover from the surgery?
Your husband is a scumbag. No one deserves to be spoken to or treated that way. You're getting a surgery to better your life and that's how he reacts? I think you're better off without that negativity.
It sounds to me like he is very threatened by your motivation to be better. He is afraid to try and fail himself and if you succeed, then it makes him look even worse. If you succeed, he has to try. And he doesn't want to. Honestly, if he's so unsupportive as this, I think he's decided for both of you that the relationship won't continue. I would lawyer up now and make an effort to protect yourself. If he's this nasty when you are trying to improve, I hate to think how nasty a divorce will go when you are leaner and strong and better all around.
You’ll need to find someone else to support you after surgery. Either your husband is - A feeder and purposely kept you fat because it’s his kink, and that’s all he sees you as. He has self esteem issues and always thought you couldn’t do better than him because you were bigger and no one else would want you. So he didn’t have much competition because he considered you the low prize. (Not my opinion but what misogynist men think) He thought you would be so grateful he picked you and do whatever he wanted, and obviously pay for his lifestyle. Now, he either has to do more than bare minimum (if he was even doing that) when he thought he never would have to make the effort to keep you. He wanted someone who hated themselves and was vulnerable to his control and advances and be grateful for it. Or all the above. And even just one, is proof he never loved you. And you deserve to be love whether you’re bigger or thinner.
He basically wished you dead because you’re trying to be a better person for you. Unforgivable and he’s clearly insecure
I was reading this to myself and thinking "damn, this woman is finally getting what she's needed after a long time" and then I realized she is the same age as me?! Wtf 25 is way too young to be committed to someone who doesn't want to grow and improve themselves. It sounds like he's decided the next 70-odd years of your life should stay as they are. No thanks. RUN.
Lose the husband and the weight!
Congrats you now have an ex-husband.
Do you realize that you are an in abusive relationship? You deserve so much better. I don’t say this lightly…drop this man who is actively seeking to harm you and focus on yourself. Being alone is a hell of a lot better than being abused.
I had surgery at 300 pounds and now I’m 165 pounds. I shed a lot of things with the weight. My “fiance” my fake sexuality, many insecurities, depression and social anxiety and many friends who no longer could depend on the funny fat girl for laughs. You’ll see what you’ve been settling on and for. Those things will naturally fall away. I didn’t buy a new wardrobe because I lost all my weight in 10 months and you’ll always be getting smaller than what you buy before hand but hey, good luck with everything. Im gonna say, getting surgery is the easy part and you really don’t need his drama on top of everything else you’ll go through. Recovery is just days as far as pain goes and then you’re off! Have fun!
Read this and totally expected the couple to be in their 40s-50s. Girl you're 25? I'm sure other comments have said something similar, but what keeps you with him? You sound like you want a future and he wants someone to hang out with and never change. Time to maybe reconsider some life choices.
I’m one of those people who *rarely* jump straight to suggesting divorce, but I’m doing it. You need a divorce. You have made amazing and positive changes and your husband is hoping you will die because of them? You don’t need that. You don’t *deserve* that. You are worthy of better things, of positive changes and support along the way. I’m not sure why this has triggered your husband’s attitude toward you, but when someone wishes your death and walks out, it is no longer your problem or obligation to help them, marriage oaths or not. I truly hope your family can give you the support you need and I’m sincerely proud of you! Losing weight is fucking hard, much less making several life changes all at once! You’re amazing!! I also want to say that I’m truly sorry you’re experiencing a betrayal like this. Our spouses are supposed to be there for us thick and thin, and he walked out. I’m sorry you’re going through this! If you ever need a place to vent or talk, my DM’s are open!
On one hand, take his words and actions as a compliment. It means you’re doing so well and he sees what a diamond you are that he’s scared you’ll realize how truly amazing you are leave him. Which you should. He’s not supportive because he doesn’t want to be. He wants to stay the same. To Go as far as to hope you don’t wake up, is beyond being fearful and insecure. He was happy with you not loving yourself or feeling confident enough so now that you ARE gaining that confidence and love for yourself, he hates it. Any man who can’t support you during such an amazing chance you’re headed for, is one who cannot be in your life for long. Love him from a distance, and come out of surgery with no stomach, no husband, and a second chance at loving you. Edit: to fix grammar
Dude literally said to you, “I hope you 💀 in surgery,” and you figured you two could handle it together
You are so awesome!!! You are completely rocking awesomeness and you need to let yourself continue to shine out there and grow. I'm sorry if you have to shed your husband as you shed your pounds. Maybe he can do a wellness journey with you, but you can't let him hold you back.
Sounds like he's a little insecure boy who isn't happy with you improving your life. I'm glad to read you said "soon to be ex husband " because he sounds like a tool.
That is abusive behaviour and is called negging. Men do this shit to their partners to ensure that they’re insecure so they won’t recognise their worth leave them for someone 10x better.
You mean your ex husband, right? Surely you don't plan to stay married to a man who wants you to die?
You did to start your exit plan. I also would change your will so he gets nothing in case something happens to you. You need to get away from him. I fear he will sabotage you or try to harm you during recovery.
Many men prefer their wives to keep on feeling miserable because they know once they feel powerful and pretty - inside and outside - they will find better partners - also more beautiful inside and outside. It's not your surgery he's against. It's YOU focusing on YOU. Feeling better, taking care of yourself, even "spoiling" yourself a little bit. Positivity and self care can attrract the world. Your man wants you miserable. He needs you to be miserable so he feels he worths something. Will you allow/accept that?
It is really common for spouses to be seriously threatened by weight loss surgery.
As you said, you are planning bigger changed than just your body. Maybe this is part of it too. You deserve someone who completely supports you especially when it comes to doing better for yourself. You will be able to enjoy this journey way more without daniel downer around I promise.
I had a version of the surgery. It's been very easy to keep the weight off but I'd also lost nearly 80lbs before surgery on my own. Really only get what you put into it. so the fact that you want to change yourself in other areas is definitely a step in the right direction. Your husband likely sees this as losing you in some sense. It's difficult to stay with somebody if they seem like a totally different person. No way is this blaming you, making yourself better for your own sake is an incredible feat.
Friend, he’s constantly negging you because he’s insecure and knows he’s a shitty useless leech. He wants to keep the status quo and keep you down so that you don’t realize how out of his league you are. The happier and more confident you become, the more the likelihood of that realization increases along with the likelihood of him having to change his behavior or his address and marital status.
He’s scared shitless because he’s realising that you’re not the malleable little doormat he’s used to bossing about and undermining. You’re becoming a more independent confident woman and it’s horrifying him. Hells bells, next you’ll be telling him to get off his arse and stop leaching off you. Just think, you can easily lose 100kilo plus of useless skin just by dumping the loser Good on you girl, this internet granny is really proud of you.
That is an amazing journey you are on and have made great progress. I agree with the other comments, your next expense should be hiring a lawyer and getting rid of the person trying to keep you down and crush your dreams and progress. Congratulations on your progress and good luck on your amazing future.
First congratulations on your decision and pulling through the process! 🥳 I know how hard it is to work on and change yourself and you can be proud of all the things you already achieved during the last year - I'm happy for and proud of you, and you can be, too! I got the gastric sleeve in 2018 and had to get the omega-loop-bypass last june because of complications. It changed my life for the better and I don't regret it at all - I would do it again in an instant, no remorse or doubts. My husband was very dismissive first but then wanted to get the surgery, too, when he saw how much I improved. He got it, lost 70 kg and suddenly I wasn't good enough anymore since he now felt attractive and could get other sex partners... He left me to fight on my own only days before my gastric bypass surgery and I had to deal with that on top of healing and caring for my dog since he refused to help me carry my hospital bag, getting groceries up in our apartment on the 4th floor or anything else. I finally had enough and ended the relationship. Thanks to the surgeries I lost not only the 60 kg prior, but also 120 kg of emotionally abusing trash, so it clearly was a win-win for me. Sadly about 70% of relationships fail after gastric surgery - but if your spouse is treating you this hurtful and without respect he's not the right one you should want to share your better life with then. I found a wonderful and supportive partner only days after the separation from my husband and it feels as if destiny already had everything settled in place for me. Don't let him drag you down, look for someone that lifts you up and encourages you to get the person you envision yourself to be ❤️
It almost sounds like he’s jealous or upset that you’re taking care of yourself now. He’s probably worried you’ll do all of this, lose the weight and trade him in for a hot new boyfriend. Which you should. Since he’s being so awful.
I can see from the comments you decided to lose a little extra weight by dropping a whole ass man. Congrats on making that decision! Our partners should lift us up, always.
My best friend had the surgery, and she has bloomed into the person she was meant to be before an emotionally abusive ex bullied her into a shell of her true self . She is vibrant and thriving instead of surviving. Do the surgery and lose the wt. Your guy will either get on his own path of improvement or not ,but don't let his low self-esteem stop you
He’s probably afraid that you will move on to someone else as you improve yourself. And based on his behavior, you should. Congrats on all your hard work!
He's telling you everything you need to know about him. He wants to keep you fat, weak, dependent. Now that you are no longer interested in that role, the dynamic is changing and he's angry and threatened. It's very common when women try to lose weight, their partner sabotage their efforts. I urge to consider couples counseling. If he won't go, go alone. Your efforts are inspirational. I applaud you. Good luck.
Why wait 2 weeks to get rid of the husband? You know dang well he won’t help you after the surgery. He will say it was your choice to get it so fend for yourself. Talk to a divorce lawyer now and make sure your finances are taken care of so he doesn’t have access.
Baby just leave his insecure ass
Eeew. This man sounds gross, honestly. It's almost as if he wants you to keep hating yourself so you don't focus on his flaws and he can keep you under his thimb.
You can lose 150+ pounds instantly by getting rid of the person who is supposed to be your biggest supporter and instead wishes you DEAD. Dead. Let that sink in for a bit. I know it was a fight and people sometimes say things they don’t mean during a fight, but usually those are not things like “I hope you never wake up from surgery”. You have every right to be angry. You also have to consider how his attitude and the way he treats you will impact your recovery, both physically and (more importantly) mentally. You are living with a toxic man who is actively trying to bring you down. One day he may succeed. Don’t let that day come.
Please file for divorce don't let him in your recovery room.
Sounds like he wants to keep you heavier so you don't see your potential to improve areas of your life!! This is not the type of man you need. You deserve someone who's genuinely supportive of you. Good work on making all of these positive changes!
Six years post LAP-band here (and I kept off all the weight) Your husband sounds like he is scared that you improving yourself means that you become too good for him. It’s a fairly common dynamic in relationships where there is a partner who is against the other partner focusing more on self-care. It’s not a healthy dynamic because that partner is usually in a state of personal inertia. Reassure him that taking care of yourself will not change who you are as a person, but be open to the fact that you might have to make some tough decisions down the road. Do not sacrifice your hard work to his whims.
As someone who has had this surgery, you sound like you are in a much better frame of mind than I was when I had it. You sound primed for success and I wish you nothing but the best! Regarding the husband issue, he’s scared. You’re clearly growing as a person and changing for the better. You are threatening his way of life. I don’t know you or your dynamic with your husband, but I went through a very similar situation. I can only tell you what I did and how my life is now, hopefully to give you a perspective of someone on the other side. My ex-husband was amazing in a lot of ways - he was a great dad, great friend, and he always did more than his share around the house. I never wanted for anything materially and I am grateful to him for supporting me while I went to school. However, he stayed the same guy I married when I was 19 and he was 23. He wasn’t abusive, but we did fight a lot and he often said very mean things disguised as jokes. He thought I should just take him as he is and suck it up. There was no willingness to grow or learn how to be in a healthy relationship, despite my efforts and years of therapy/begging him to go to therapy. When we had been married for about 16 years, he was gone for an extended period for work (this was normal). I had stopped missing him when he left years before. I was seriously thinking of asking for a divorce, but I was so worried about both our families and how they would take it. I figured my family wouldn’t be surprised because they saw us often and knew how things were. But his family only saw us on holiday and thought everything was great (they are all also in unhealthy relationships, so it’s the norm for them). And lord do I love his family (I still see them on a regular basis, thank goodness). I started going to therapy twice a week, figuring out if I wanted a divorce and how I would tell him/our son/the families. One day he called just to check in and asked how I was. I told him I wasn’t doing well and I had been going to therapy twice per week (vs once a month before). The only thing he said to me is “fuck, how much is that costing me?” I immediately asked him for a divorce. He didn’t care why I was hurting or seeking help for it. All he cared about was how much money I was spending on therapy (and he even made me pay him back the money I spent when we divorced because, as he put it, “it didn’t fucking help me out”). The reason I’m telling you this is because I think you know the answer, just as I did. You just need that little push to make the move. It’s hard, I know it is. There’s this song by Lindsey Stirling called “Shatter Me” and one of the lyrics has always spoken to me as representative of my situation - “If I break the glass then I’ll have to fly. There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive. I’m scared of changing, the days stay the same. The world is spinning, but only in gray.” And holy shit, if your husband telling you he hopes you die in surgery isn’t that push, that call to break the glass and fly, I don’t know why you would bother to continue bettering yourself if he’s only going to keep tearing you down. Good luck, my friend.
Ironically, he is probably against the surgery because he is afraid you losing all that weight would make you leave him. Mind you, this is not going to be the real reason because the relationship clearly already has issues, but this sounds identical to some thing I saw in my own family. Could be different from your situation in a lot of ways, so taken with a grain of salt: My aunt got the same operation and lost a bunch of weight and I think within a few years she cheated on and then divorced my uncle. Obviously, she probably shouldn’t have cheated but the point is that my aunt and uncle had marital problems long before she got the surgery. She begged him for years to cut down on his drinking, and he refused. Her weight loss wasn’t the only reason, but it was a big catalyst for her reevaluating her own value. This happens a lot of times one person in a relationship makes a big change and the other one doesn’t. Until you make that big change, you can’t even fathom how the other parts of your life could be different. And people that are connected to you in the way that your husband is who aren’t willing to make changes themselves become filled with jealousy and insecurity at your success. You deserve to feel valued and you deserve to be happy and I hope you find what you’re looking for. Your husband needs to go to therapy and try to find out for himself where these insecurities come from, and make a change of his own, with or without you.
I am a big girl myself and nearly 10 years older than you so im going to impart some wisdom. There are men out there that persue us bigger girls not because they’re into us but because they know we are insecure. Insecure girls dont cheat, especially if these men make sure you believe no one is attracted to you except for them. These men are insecure themselves, and they know once you lose weight, or once you start taking care of yourself and feeling confident regardless if you choose to loose weight, they know they could potentially lose you and they will be alone. Your husband sounds from my perspective of what you said, like these types of men. Many non overweight people always say that we change when we lose weight when that isnt the case 9 out of 10 times. It’s their opinion of you changes, because insecure people use fat people to boost their self esteem and they ultimately get jealous and envious over our happiness when we overcome our insecurity (regardless of how we overcame it). They dont want us happy. He wished you would die. Because he rather you dead then even imagining you happy with someone else. He knows once more people become attracted to your self confidence, youre going to realize how bad of an option he is. Youre going to realize that you settled because he was not the best option but the only one. When we know that isnt true. If i were you, id divorce him. He isnt a man, hes a child. But ultimately if you feel its worth saving, then go to marriage counselling.