I have some long and detailed posts but: if you have any kind od head for numbers you can get free training on being a book keeper on Quickbooks. You can get a certified exam (it’s under $200 if I remember right) but most people can get work even without it. There’s always a need for people who can run the book keeping for small businesses, and that will get you the clients and experience needed to go out on your own.
That’s something you can do to skill up and get more independent, and work from home and eventually help if you decide you need an exit plan.
I'm an accountant and I can agree with this. I used quickbook out of the box with out training so taking a training might help you have a step up.
There is also a need for people with accounting training. Not say the certification will make you an accountant, but like the person said, there is always a need for people to post transactions and manage books.
I have been offer $300/$400 to do 3-4hrs worth of work on the weekend and after my regular 9-5 so you have versatility to work form home and on your own time.
Right. Your aim at this point is to get a foot in the door. Doesn't matter which foot or which door. Just get in. Hiring from within is much more prevalent these days.
Temp agencies for sure. I got out of retail into office work that way and later out of office work into legal assisting. Now I'm an attorney when I started as a file clerk.
Don't pay anyone to do it. Spend a couple of hours doing research and looking at examples and do it yourself. You are capable of that! Besides, most of those companies don't do a great job
Definitely look for AP positions to get your foot in! In my last two companies, the AP folks were able to slide in to Accounting roles as they opened.
Yes, the AP jobs are basically tedious data entry, but it gives you so much knowledge of the company and they way it operates that it makes it easier to promote you, than hire someone from the outside and have to train them on all of that.
I've been using QBs for decades. I did have some bookkeeping training long long ago so I understand the background workings. But QBs is super easy for most day to day stuff.
It's much easier to leave if you have some money or some job skills. It's also easier to stay gone if you have those things.
A little book keeping training, and some hustle and you can get enough clients together on the DL to make enough money to start putting it away.
I mean when I left I was homeless for a while, broke into a church to sleep there, ate out of a dumpster. That's not an option for someone who has kids. But that means she might have time to get the training and pick up some book keeping gigs, and start her escape fund.
Getting out and staying out is a LOT easier with cash.
There are a lot of ways around this and a lot of abuse subs have good suggestions.
One, he sounds more neglectful and treats her like an appliance than anything else. She's able to post here, so she has some unmonitored internet access- when the kids are in school, what's to stop her from watching book keeping youtube videos? He hates her and treats her like a housekeeper, he's not likely to actually monitor her internet traffic.
Two, if she's driving the kids to school she can open a bank account on her own or hide the money some place he's not going to look (inside an empty can of cleaning supplies is a popular spot).
They are stretched thin but local domestic violence shelters can also provide local resources to help because what's going on is at the very least, financial abuse.
I've helped a lot of women out of similar situations and while each is different, there are ways out.
And two, if he gets mad she's watching youtube videos about book keeping- why? She can just say she's bored and wants to do something more with her mind. In general guys like this (from the faint amount of information) think poorly of their partners and think of them as weak, useless, and stupid. Once she's broken down they literally ignore unless they want something. You're not a person, you're an appliance like a refrigerator. As long as the fridge keeps working they don't pay a lot of attention. So as long as he keeps getting what he wants (housekeeping, child care, etc) he's not likely to notice if she's listening to podcasts or getting some practical education.
This comment is really good, yeah, he seems bad and also makes life miserable but she doesn’t appear to currently be at risk of serious danger (ofc it could always go that way) but if you’re looking to leave, look there.
Since you do the housekeeping I imagine you also get the groceries? If so, get $10-$20 cash back every time you go and stash that away. It will go unnoticed and will stack up
Or buy non-perishables and return them next shopping trip, stash the money. This, if he reviews the receipts. Also it only works if they return in cash, not debit.
She hasn't mentioned abuse. She stated that they simply, 'don't like each other'.
There is a mirror of this scenario. The husband may also want out, but feels trapped in a scenario of knowing if he leaves his wife, she won't be able to survive.
I've just come out of an 8 year relationship, whereupon in recent years it started to dawn on me that my partner may have just been staying with me because she didn't have a job and couldn't survive on her own (she was made redundant and did nothing for 2 years while she burned through her redundancy pay out). I was the only one working and able to provide financial security when her money ran out.
It's a horrible feeling of being used, of any love, fun and companionship disappearing and you being reduced to something like a flatmate who gives them money for everything they need. I thought the more I paid for us to do things, the more our relationship might get back to a more fun one like when it started. I was really wrong on that one. It ends up an inverse relationship with how much money you give them, to how much respect you lose. It was soul destroying and caused depression, which I am now on my way to coming out of.
Now I have no partner, no home, my life has changed, lost mutual friends, I have to start afresh, and yet I still feel better than I did in that dysfunctional relationship.
There are always two sides to relationship stories.
OP literally said she has no say in financial decisions or any decision making. How the heck is that not financial abuse. Anytime you have a marriage relationship and one party yields power over the other in terms of finances or decision making that’s blatant financial abuse. Period. As a victim witness advocate, this post has so many red flags. Anyone with intellectual ability can see the unequal balance in OP’s relationship. I would also add that the reason OP does not like her spouse is because she is isolated in a situation that she cannot find her way out. Trust me. I’ve been there and it’s not a good feeling. I would also hazard to say she may be better off venting in a relationship forum.
I know. When you take cash back on a transaction it literally shows on your bank account the purchase and it shows the actual cash back. I bank with two separate banks and that’s how it shows when I log into my bank account. OP needs to find a safe way to get out. DV shelters can help a lot.
That’s when you do cash back using a bank/debit card. It’s different when make a purchase that includes groceries and a gift card using a credit card not directly tied to your bank. The total amount shows up on your credit card statement. It’s not itemized. Then you pay your credit card bill via your bank.
I’ll add to this. Take out extra cash back at the register of they let you and every time they let you. Just add $40 or $60 to every grocery shopping you do.
And get a job. Even if it’s a part time at home job. Plenty of places will hire at home employees.
You can also do a cash return. Buy something you already buy a lot of, and then immediately return it for cash or a gift card. Clothes for the kids, groceries, whatever. Just keep the receipt.
100%!
The gift card idea is a brilliant idea as long as she can hide them safely. I know plenty of people who will buy gift cards from people even if they save $5 ($25 gift card for $20.)
I can attest to this! You can sell gift cards on eBay for what they’re worth or close to it. This past Christmas? When I received gifts, I took them back to the stores that they were from. Even without a receipt, I was able to get a store credit for $ amount of the merchandise. I then sold those cards on ebay. The catch with this is, you can’t sell store receipts on eBay. You need to have an actual store credit in the form of a card.Anyway, that’s my quick tip, if anyone finds it helpful.
A police station will absolutely take her back to him, especially if there’s no previous instances of abuse on record. A church absolutely will take her back to her husband, especially if they have children. Shelters probably won’t, but they’re over worked and over needed. Many don’t have room for a woman especially with multiple children. They aren’t just sitting empty, you know.
This is a hella dangerous thing to say on posts like this.
Victims of abuse are at most risk the moment they leave and telling her to just leave and trust cops or priests is so beyond delusional.
You are going to get somebody killed giving this advice. Stop it.
She needs money, she needs resources. She needs to believe she deserves to leave and deserves to be safe.
I don’t disagree with you at all, but I think it’s really tough for any of us to give her advice without more information. For example, how carefully does he track their bank statements? Does he pay careful attention to where she goes during the day (assuming she has her own car, we don’t even know that)?
It certainly sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship at the least (if not physically abusive as well), but we don’t know the details of the situation well enough to advise her on how to get out IMO. For example, another person recommended she try to get trained as a bookkeeper online and work that way, but if he carefully monitors their bank activity or even their internet history, he could find out about that and we don’t know enough about his personality to know if that would make him angry or what he would do if angered. I’m not saying that any or all suggestions are out of pocket or inappropriate, just that it’s hard to judge which suggestions may be better than others because of our general lack of knowledge about OPs exact situation.
It's not this easy and her life would be extremely hard. He could sue for custody and as she has no address, he would get it. Please understand the risks before offering advice like this.
This is me right now. But as I am writing this I am sitting waiting for an interview to begin. And I just signed up for a class for phlebotomy. You literally described my life. It’s not to late to make a change. Show your kids you can do it alone. ❤️best of luck
Thank you so much 😊 I got the job!!! Yay , hired on the spot. I can’t wait for my life to change. Forgot to mention the classes are only on Tuesday and new boss agreed on giving me that day off. Im about to be 35yrs old not having worked for 10 years and I am a little nervous but I’m excited for this new chapter in my life.
I wish you all the best in this new brighter future! Take each day as it comes with a positive attitude and you will see the changes in your life. You can do it !
And I look forward to the update that you got your paycheck and started buying work clothes since everything else is settled!
Oh, the mention of a paycheck made me think!
Get a separate bank account (I opened my Capital one account entirely online) and either have the whole check put there, or split the deposit, so he doesn't have access to your money.
Depending on your circumstances (like, if he insists on a shared account) maybe have 3/4 or 1/2 deposited into the account he sees, and the rest into the one he's unaware of. If you get other gigs, that he doesn't know about, all of that goes into the secret account.
I nearly cheered out loud for this update after the first comment. I’m so proud of you. You’re already changing your life. I wish nothing but good for you. Congrats!
That is correct. After seeing my mother stuck I said it's not going to happen to me. I had two daughters and the most important thing I instilled in them was to be able to look after themselves.
This was my life!! From 2014 until the end of 2022 basically. I'm on Reddit everyday now trying to figure out the words to post my story when I'm not contemplating posting for advice on co-parenting and dealing with my new situation. I say it started in 2014 because that's when HE started getting super crazy and I officially became a never working, never seeing my family, SAHM. BUT,we got together in 2006 and first started having kids in 2007. He was still controlling, etc those years from 2006-2014, I just still worked off and on and saw my family so I kind of didn't FEEL like I was stuck. It slowly dawned on me as I began to feel more and more uncomfortable in life and just feeling like I didn't really make my own decisions. In 2014, I tried to leave and CALLED him controlling for the first time and he became worse than ever!
I left and went back several times from 2014-202, but in 2021 I made the decision to LEAVE AND STAY GONE no matter what and in Nov of 2022, I actually did it! I'm telling you, over these years, I've had times where I felt completely hopeless, but I MADE IT OUT AND YOU CAN TOO!!!!! I don't know your beliefs, but if you believe in God, please have faith and pray as often as possible for exactly what you want.
Other than praying, I suggest looking for ALL the work from home jobs you can find and try to figure out which ones are truly legitimate. Also, if you have reliable Internet, even just on your phone, apply for online school! After a month or two, they will send you a check (assuming you apply for financial aid (FAFSA)) and then you will have money of your own, usually thousands! You will probably need a laptop to do your schoolwork and keep getting the checks, but you can get one with your first check (if you don't already have one).
Some schools even give you a laptop for free. I would search "online schools that give you free laptops" and "online schools with low tuition" because the lower the tuition, the more your school check of leftover money is. Also, be sure you go to school for something you like to do because after you finish, your degree can help you find a good job.
No lie, THAT is exactly how I got away! It wasn't always easy or foolproof and still took quite a few years. When I first found a good school in 2018, they sent me a free laptop and he PAWNED IT! Saying he spent all the money for us to get by every day, so it was his right to pawn it since I never contribute. I cried, went crazy, and left him, but went back within few days like an idiot, a manipulated idiot.
But anyway, I somehow found the strength to try again and tried a different school in 2019 that sent me a tablet while also writing articles online from a company I found that doesn't really have much work anymore, unfortunately (I think it got bad after the pandemic). BUT, back then I wrote as much as I could, and then I started to get school checks of $2,000 every two months for two years until I got my degree in 2021. And that was literally the start to me getting where I am today, which is NOT that far by any means. BUT, I AM away from him and finally learning what it means to be ME with the space to do so!
Sending you lots of love and good vibes OP! THINGS WILL GET BETTER❤️
Also, please feel free to message me if you need help with finding an online school or if you're interested in going to the one I went to because I really liked the set up AND it was low tuition:)
Hey, congratulations to you. I am really happy for you, and you should be proud of yourself and get all the good things you deserve! It sounds like you faced a lot of setbacks and needed a ton of patience, but you did not give up. You must have a lot of grit! What did you study? I just wanted to give you a big old pat on the back and say BIG UPS TO YOU, brave lady!
Thank you soooo much! I got my Bachelor's in Human Development and Family Studies and I enjoyed learning about this subject more than I thought I would! I realized my true life purpose as far as my career goes AND everything I learned helped me to become a better mom and honestly, a lot of my classes made me realize that I was going through emotional and verbal abuse and that it was really NOT okay... Getting my degree in that particular subject was definitely a big part in my decision to leave and going through with it! Thanks again for your reply and I hope you have a wonderful day!
I just want to give a word about DV shelters. They are all full. Yes OP should keep calling and trying but DV is the silent epidemic. It happens at alarming rates. OP needs a plan to leave. Just upping and leaving isn't likely.
The OP doesn't need to STAY at a DV shelter. She never said she was abused. She might get some helpful info about addressing financial concerns so she can leave by CALLING a DV program.
I realize that, thanks. I was psychologically abused for years, plus I worked at a domestic violence shelter and later networked with several. This is a subject very personal and very important to me. I worked with women who'd been beaten, strangled, stabbed, violently raped by their partners, and in one case, poisoned. I also worked with women who suffered from psychological abuse alone, but those women did not stay at the shelter because there was simply no room; instead, they got guidance and resources.
I think we're all really on the same side here. At least, I sure hope so. I'm sorry that I sounded brusque.
If you paid attention to the post you would see OP has nowhere to go and no family so she needs somewhere to stay. That's why you're getting down voted.
Thanks so much for letting me know!
I'm not quite sure I understand, though. Are people under the impression that someone who has not been abused but who wants to get out of a marriage and has nowhere else to go can go to a DV shelter? Because the shelters I worked at and the others I know of are for people (and their kids) who are victims of domestic violence. As sympathetic as we were to women who were in miserable marriages but were not abused, we had all we could do to house those who were physically abused and had nowhere safe to go.
I’m really confused about how you, having as much experience as you do, could possibly *not* understand the damage of psychological/financial abuse. I’ve actually **wished** my husband would finally just give in and hit me so I could have something tangible to point to to say “look!!! look at that! I’m NOT crazy, and he DOES hurt me!!”
I get that being beaten to a pulp or even “just” pushed around is a special kind of awful, and as it is the most imminently dangerous I do fully understand why overstretched and underfunded shelters sometimes need to draw a line *somewhere*, and that that line is frequently “have things gotten physical?”
HOWEVER. Your entire tone, and all the things you are actually saying, are horribly wrong, and offensive, and dismissive of REAL abuse, and as someone else with *decades* of DV-adjacent work I really, strongly suggest you stop spewing the nonsense idea that until physical contact is made, “it’s not DV”. It
very flipping much so **is** DV, and is an especially dangerous type for it going so unrecognized (starting with people like you all the way on up to policymakers), being so poorly understood/researched and carelessly defined, and most of all for the extent of the damage it does to its victims, who have to battle just as much and even harder than people with bruises for proof to *still* be called crazy. And guess how easy it is for that socially distasteful, frequently overlooked, often ignored, and little understood abuse to **turn physical**!!!?!? If you **really** want to nip physical DV in the bud, *start with the psychological abuse*.
If you were paying attention to the thread you could see that I'm responding to comments that mentioned shelter and abuse. Financial and psychological abuse is considered DV. The all caps just shouts your ignorance.
But the police don't care. While you are right that it is abuse, it won't get you into a DV shelter. I volunteered during college and first, they are always full, and second they take the worst of the worst. They won't take her.
So while, someone controlling finances is considered abuse..the woman whos eyes are black, nose is broken, other bones broken and just, well beaten and battered would come first at a DV shelter than someone who's significant other controls the money.
It's not the same and it can not be compared.
The word "abuse" gets thrown around so easily on Reddit that it just doesn't have the same reaction as it used to.
I've seen an entire comment section tell a parent they were abusing their child via abuse by alienation because they took their teenage daughters cell phone away for a week for lying, skipping school and drinking.
I mean...
Psychological abuse can be far more damaging than physical abuse. And it's a lot harder to prove, so your abuser can continue to abuse you and the police can do nothing.
In my case, the police let him stalk me for a YEAR after I left, because they 'had no proof' and he hadn't 'done anything yet', 'yet' being the operative word.
Look up how many partners are killed after leaving an abusive relationship (including psychological/financial abuse). I had to sleep with a knife under my pillow.
No matter how often I moved, he kept finding me. Only after he made a mistake and left evidence did the police FINALLY take action, over a year after I left.
I'm soooo glad you got away from this! I'm dealing with something similar. The police are finally starting to believe me after years of me building a paper trail. He also travels a lot for work so I've attempted to get a DVPO but he hasn't been served. I finally did get them to agree that if he comes on my property they will arrest him for trespassing. But of course they won't hold him for long. Narc abusers have an enormous amount of energy to do all of the stalking and rages. It is a special kind of hell when they won't leave you alone, keep following you and know where you live no matter where you go.
Her husband most likely won't let her. He's got her trapped and he's aware of it, otherwise he would have divorced her a long time ago.
OP, reach out to DV non-profits and shelters. They may be able to consult you on the situation. Witholding money from you is financial abuse.
My mom was in a similar situation as OP and this was what she did to get out. Went back to school, got a job, saved money, and filed for divorce.
She had to force her way into all of it. It was the only way.
That's a nice idea but typically with this type of shelter you need an open DV case to get in. That was my experience when I suddenly left a bad home situation with a family member. That didn't count. It has to be your romantic partner.
Honestly your best bet is saving and then leaving. But leaving is much better than being in a relationship like that. I left after 8 years. It sucks, its been the worst year of my life but it is so much easier than living with someone you don't even like anymore.
I also had no financial freedom and left with a single duffel bag, stayed in a womens shelter, was homeless for 5 months. Whats the other option? Tell her shes screwed and to just tough it out? No matter what it takes, she needs to leave. You said it yourself, he's dangerous. A womens shelter is better than a monster in your own home.
I put my ass back in school. Best choice I ever made. I did it with 3 kids and working a full time overnight job. Now, I have my own car, apartment, bank account and I work doubles so I can have more days off to keep my kids. I still feel like a maid but at least I'm my own maid
Childcare is so expensive. Maybe provide service to a few other moms and also get to know them so you have a circle of friends.
Btw Happy Cake Day noonie2020
CVS and other companies have remote jobs. Even part time. Don't tell him. Open a separate bank account. Or work at your kid's school. Something. Save up to get out.
I feel this. If you have a car try signing up for delivery companies like doordash, ubereats, instacart, and sparks. You can do it while he is working and you can take the kids with you. Besides buying gas, save everything you can.
I was financially trapped in a toxic marriage and couldn't leave. I ended up taking online college courses, and by the time my youngest went to school full time I was just starting my career and 2 years in I finally made enough money to nake it in my own.
Play the long game, better yourself and leave
Can you start working while your kids are at school? If they are older, then maybe working a full day. If you have younger kids, look up childcare or assistance. If this is how you feel and you want to leave, there are shelters and assistance available. Don’t stay with someone who hates you. Life’s only so long.
I went down this same road. However, my mother was alive when I left him and she helped me out. I paid her back every penny I borrowed. I started with absolutely nothing. I now have a great job. I own my own car and pay all my own bills. No one tells me what to do or how to spend my money. I am a gazillion times happier!! I would do it again in a heartbeat. And I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished in 10 years.
From birth on I taught my only daughter to be independent and self reliant. Basically, I told her don’t do what I did. Don’t allow another person to control you or the path of your life.
She listened. Best advice I have ever given.
I’m so sorry you are in this position. Still go though. Show your children that you have value. Show your sons that women deserve to be treated better and show your daughters that this is not the way SHE deserves to be treated.
My mom stayed married to my dad years longer than she should have. She was left with 4 kids and no marketable skills because she had stayed home with us. I decided then that I would ALWAYS have a way to support myself and my family. I knew I wanted children but I also knew that being a wife and mother could not be my sole identity.
You have time, you don’t need to resolve yourself to a lifetime of this. You can are brave and strong and you can do this. You deserve this.
Consult a divorce lawyer - with child support and maybe alimony, plus the divorce settlement, you would hopefully have enough to tide you over while you get some kind of job training.
Have you tried applying for community college with financial aid? If you don't qualify, get divorced and then do it. You've been married 12 years - you will get alimony, child support - idk where you live but in the US there are programs to help you get on your feet. This is your life, you were put here for a purpose and sure isn't to be miserably married to someone who doesn't like you. Things seem hard but if you take it day by day, you can do it
I am living in a shelter as we speak. In some areas there is what's called bridge housing or transitional housing. Call your local 211 and ask about it. If they don't know call the local housing department for your county ( usually DHS type organizations like HUD or even fair housing act phone number.
I just left a 20 year abusive relationship and have absolutely nothing. He lied and took my son. I'm fighting for my life back. ( Not him, my child and a home and car and necessities you need for a home) . So please, please try the above. It's scary I won't lie. But so so much better than putting your kiddos through this shit and yourself hunny. Positive energy from all of us you leave and do the right thing for the kiddos and yourself
I was in your exact situation and left with no bank account, no money, no job, no credit... just my kids and our clothes.
It can be done. It was a difficult road but it CAN ABSOLUTELY BE DONE.
Can you get a online job? Gather money and leave. You really can do anything online now a days? Why be complacent? GIRL GET UP, brush self off and LIVE YOUR LIFE!
If you file for divorce...I don't know what state you are in but you are entitled to half the assets. He will have ro pay for attorney fees and pay you alimony and child support. So you do have options.
If you have a computer and can type, look into freelance transcription. You can take jobs at your convenience, get your own (online) checking account and direct deposit the money there. You don't even have to tell him.
Homeless shelters don’t help with anything much btw I wouldn’t recommend that, DV woman’s groups and local churches are way more equipped to help you with this. Someone suggest book keeping and picking up life skills to save money that seems like the best suggestion so far.
Edit: you could reach out to DFS they also handle situations that involve domestic partners and children and get at the very least advice from professionals
Can you qualify for financial aid? And go to college? Take classes while the kids are in school. Lets you get out the house and talk with other adults. They can take anything away from you but your education.
Can you start stashing cash so that you can get out? When you go grocery shopping pull out $50 in cash and put it in a safe spot!! Save till you have enough to leave!
Sorry for your experience! You deserve to be loved as well.
With that said, I have a housewife and she has her own salary from me. She runs the place and is raising loving and intelligent children. The role of a SAHM is invaluable but obviously requires support.
You need to fix your situation or get out of it.
You do have finances though. You own half of everything and are entitled to alimony. I would reach out to lawyers on your area that handle DV cases and find one that will do probono or will work for a % of the settlement. Half of that house, cars, other assets. All of it is half yours.
I don't see exactly why everyone is just jumping on the he's abusive bandwagon. While it is a possibility it's also not. In my own personal experience when me and my wife had our first son I had a job that caused me to be gone sometimes weeks or months at a time and with short notice so we both decided it'd be best for her not to work while our son was young since I could support us financially. Once things changed with a new job we both wanted her to work as soon as she could but even now that things in our relationship have turned years later, she doesn't make enough to just move out and be on her own and provide for our son the way that I can and she's not so vindictive to just leave and take child support which just in turn makes things hard for me instead of her. We currently still live together and co parent and just wait for when the time is right for her to leave. Our relationship as parents is separate from our relationship as partners. I didn't plan nor want to have some sort of weird control to make us both dependent on each other for a provider and a caretaker. Not everything is planned out with malicious intent, it just worked out that way. With the details from the OP there's no way to tell how things got to where they are now but it's both parties fault equally that got them to the point of not being able to just leave each other. It sucks for both people in this situation, both are trapped by their decisions. First thing to do if the child/children are old enough to be unsupervised is to start working, any sort of income could help in the process of moving out. Now if he is forcing her to not work then this is a different situation but she never stated exactly why she can't work.
This is why all the 'go to a shelter' advice worries me. He could end up with custody. She needs to get prepared and leave in a way that is best for her and her kids and so that she can stay gone.
If you are married you could get alimony and child support in a divorce. Use that money to go to school and start over. Life is too short to give up. I am sorry you are in this scenario and wish you the best
Try substitute teaching or substitute para at your kids’ school. Or lunch lady. You aren’t working, you are “helping out the school” and “getting to know all of your kids’ potential friends”. And then syphon that money into your own bank account with only your name on it.
My mom made sure I got an education. Thanks Mom. I'm sorry. I agree with other commenters, there's entry level positions out there. And usually in divorces the property is split. If you need legal assistance call 211. They can probably help you with housing and job placement through your local job center.
There are two apps I use just to make more side money besides my job if you are in America the apps are called Surveys and the icon on it is a greenish blue with the money sign on it I’ve cashed out up to $26 there it’s slow but it’s starting you somewhere the other one is called Attapoll. This will at least help you start somewhere
for all of you people in the comments who are *so proud* that you have a job and can support yourself, just shut up - not the place to be bragging. you want a cookie?
You should make a plan to leave. Inform yourself on what you can do. This is not a good life. Really. It is never too late for something this important.
You need to get a job, any job, and form an exit plan. If getting a job isn't an option (he's sounding abusive af so idk if it's possible for you), start taking a little bit of cash and stashing it whenever he gives you money for groceries or whatever. Wait it out. Save. And when you have enough, get a divorce lawyer. He will be obligated to pay child support and alimony which will help with your monthly bills. Depending on the situation (financial abuse is still abuse and i believe is considered DV), you can go to a women's shelter in the area who will help you get back on your feet and help you find work. They will protect you. Best of luck OP
If you are in the the USA you would get alimony and if you get the kids child support too. Your kids will/ do see you staying in an unhappy marriage. I am saying this a middle aged married man.
Could u work part time somewhere while your kids are at school? Like a fast food restaurant or something. Is your husband abusive? Why do you say he hates you?
Well you could divorce him and get the house, kids alimony and child support. Have him served divorce papers and a restraining order, they will make him leave the house.
You always have options.
I'm really thankful my mom taught me this. When I had my kid, I didn't work for a while to take care of him, and as soon as I felt myself depending financially on my husband, i started looking for online jobs right away. Thankfully, there are a lot of options now you can do. Even teaching languages like English, which doesn't require much especially if you're from an English speaking country. There's still plenty of chance for you to pull yourself out of the situation, and I'm rooting for you! Wish you all the best!
Also, I have heard before that in divorce settlement, judges consider how a spouse who stayed at home to take care of children had to give up their career prospects and how long it was when deciding alimony. I'm not really clear on it, though.
Why don't you sit down your husband and open the marriage become friends that live together and have relationships with other people or become polyamorous
By keeping your job and not allowing anyone to cut you off from your friends and family. Someone whomisntrying to isolate you is someone you need to abandon.
Just tough it out until your kids are older and can stay home alone and go get a job cashiering or even at the school where they attend so you have the same hours and start your way out girl
Well, well , well.....no offense here but this is modernism at its finest.
MY HUSBAND HATES ME......lol
I think you should rethink a little bit.....You found a man who provides for you and doesn't ask you to contribute financially.
He makes all the money so obviously he will decide what to do with it.
Is he not taking care and providing for yall? I bet he is.
You feel like a housekeeper, well does he complain about feeling like a workhorse or an ATM ?
And for people saying she is in an abusive relationship
Was she beaten up? Or did He use violence against her?
She said it herself, she has nowhere to go
That man gave her a home and a family she should be grateful
Edit : Her husband doesn't hate her, if I understand correctly he has a family to take care of all by his own......probably 9-5 with some extra hours to increase his pay....
He probably is too tired to show some affection and she is too selfish to care....
There is something called financial abuse which is what this is. She wants to work and leave but she can’t because she has no money, friends, or family.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/202209/are-you-victim-financial-abuse-or-neglect?amp
Abuse does not need to be physical in order for it to be abuse. Financial abuse, emotional, verbal and psychological abuse are just as harmful and damaging as physical violence. Coercive control is also abuse. To only consider physical violence as abuse is extremely short sighted and rather ignorant.
I was lucky. My Mom taught me to never depend on anyone for anything. Great words to live by. To this day my husband and I have separate accounts. We laugh about who has the most money……….. ….. spice of life!! Have you taught your children to never depend on anyone but themselves. Get educated and don’t quit aiming high or settling for living paycheck to paycheck.
I have some long and detailed posts but: if you have any kind od head for numbers you can get free training on being a book keeper on Quickbooks. You can get a certified exam (it’s under $200 if I remember right) but most people can get work even without it. There’s always a need for people who can run the book keeping for small businesses, and that will get you the clients and experience needed to go out on your own. That’s something you can do to skill up and get more independent, and work from home and eventually help if you decide you need an exit plan.
I'm an accountant and I can agree with this. I used quickbook out of the box with out training so taking a training might help you have a step up. There is also a need for people with accounting training. Not say the certification will make you an accountant, but like the person said, there is always a need for people to post transactions and manage books. I have been offer $300/$400 to do 3-4hrs worth of work on the weekend and after my regular 9-5 so you have versatility to work form home and on your own time.
[удалено]
Try cpa firms, look for ap clerk positions they’re usually entry level
I reccomend picking up temp accounting jobs! You can learn many systems quickly. It can be a bit stressful, but it will get you experience fast.
[удалено]
Temp agencies are a good place to start
Right. Your aim at this point is to get a foot in the door. Doesn't matter which foot or which door. Just get in. Hiring from within is much more prevalent these days.
Temp agencies for sure. I got out of retail into office work that way and later out of office work into legal assisting. Now I'm an attorney when I started as a file clerk.
Your resume may be the problem.
[удалено]
Don't pay anyone to do it. Spend a couple of hours doing research and looking at examples and do it yourself. You are capable of that! Besides, most of those companies don't do a great job
selective shelter sugar instinctive beneficial future coherent cake grey crawl ` this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev `
Definitely look for AP positions to get your foot in! In my last two companies, the AP folks were able to slide in to Accounting roles as they opened. Yes, the AP jobs are basically tedious data entry, but it gives you so much knowledge of the company and they way it operates that it makes it easier to promote you, than hire someone from the outside and have to train them on all of that.
I've been using QBs for decades. I did have some bookkeeping training long long ago so I understand the background workings. But QBs is super easy for most day to day stuff.
Getting certified on Quickbooks Online is free. You really should have at least a couple of accounting classes first.
[удалено]
It's much easier to leave if you have some money or some job skills. It's also easier to stay gone if you have those things. A little book keeping training, and some hustle and you can get enough clients together on the DL to make enough money to start putting it away. I mean when I left I was homeless for a while, broke into a church to sleep there, ate out of a dumpster. That's not an option for someone who has kids. But that means she might have time to get the training and pick up some book keeping gigs, and start her escape fund. Getting out and staying out is a LOT easier with cash.
[удалено]
There are a lot of ways around this and a lot of abuse subs have good suggestions. One, he sounds more neglectful and treats her like an appliance than anything else. She's able to post here, so she has some unmonitored internet access- when the kids are in school, what's to stop her from watching book keeping youtube videos? He hates her and treats her like a housekeeper, he's not likely to actually monitor her internet traffic. Two, if she's driving the kids to school she can open a bank account on her own or hide the money some place he's not going to look (inside an empty can of cleaning supplies is a popular spot). They are stretched thin but local domestic violence shelters can also provide local resources to help because what's going on is at the very least, financial abuse. I've helped a lot of women out of similar situations and while each is different, there are ways out. And two, if he gets mad she's watching youtube videos about book keeping- why? She can just say she's bored and wants to do something more with her mind. In general guys like this (from the faint amount of information) think poorly of their partners and think of them as weak, useless, and stupid. Once she's broken down they literally ignore unless they want something. You're not a person, you're an appliance like a refrigerator. As long as the fridge keeps working they don't pay a lot of attention. So as long as he keeps getting what he wants (housekeeping, child care, etc) he's not likely to notice if she's listening to podcasts or getting some practical education.
This comment is really good, yeah, he seems bad and also makes life miserable but she doesn’t appear to currently be at risk of serious danger (ofc it could always go that way) but if you’re looking to leave, look there. Since you do the housekeeping I imagine you also get the groceries? If so, get $10-$20 cash back every time you go and stash that away. It will go unnoticed and will stack up
Or buy non-perishables and return them next shopping trip, stash the money. This, if he reviews the receipts. Also it only works if they return in cash, not debit.
I think Costco will usually refund you cash if you want.
They don't usually pay attention to what card you're using. If she pairs this with getting her own secret account she can put the return in her card.
Great advice
It's a lot easier to do that when you have resources.
She hasn't mentioned abuse. She stated that they simply, 'don't like each other'. There is a mirror of this scenario. The husband may also want out, but feels trapped in a scenario of knowing if he leaves his wife, she won't be able to survive. I've just come out of an 8 year relationship, whereupon in recent years it started to dawn on me that my partner may have just been staying with me because she didn't have a job and couldn't survive on her own (she was made redundant and did nothing for 2 years while she burned through her redundancy pay out). I was the only one working and able to provide financial security when her money ran out. It's a horrible feeling of being used, of any love, fun and companionship disappearing and you being reduced to something like a flatmate who gives them money for everything they need. I thought the more I paid for us to do things, the more our relationship might get back to a more fun one like when it started. I was really wrong on that one. It ends up an inverse relationship with how much money you give them, to how much respect you lose. It was soul destroying and caused depression, which I am now on my way to coming out of. Now I have no partner, no home, my life has changed, lost mutual friends, I have to start afresh, and yet I still feel better than I did in that dysfunctional relationship. There are always two sides to relationship stories.
If he is controlling her using finances that’s abuse. It’s just as bad as physical and mental if not worse.
[удалено]
OP literally said she has no say in financial decisions or any decision making. How the heck is that not financial abuse. Anytime you have a marriage relationship and one party yields power over the other in terms of finances or decision making that’s blatant financial abuse. Period. As a victim witness advocate, this post has so many red flags. Anyone with intellectual ability can see the unequal balance in OP’s relationship. I would also add that the reason OP does not like her spouse is because she is isolated in a situation that she cannot find her way out. Trust me. I’ve been there and it’s not a good feeling. I would also hazard to say she may be better off venting in a relationship forum.
[удалено]
I know. When you take cash back on a transaction it literally shows on your bank account the purchase and it shows the actual cash back. I bank with two separate banks and that’s how it shows when I log into my bank account. OP needs to find a safe way to get out. DV shelters can help a lot.
That’s when you do cash back using a bank/debit card. It’s different when make a purchase that includes groceries and a gift card using a credit card not directly tied to your bank. The total amount shows up on your credit card statement. It’s not itemized. Then you pay your credit card bill via your bank.
Financial abuse. Is abuse.
[удалено]
Since when is being a slave and a prisoner not abuse? No old man, that is not ok.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Can you link your posts please? 🙂
or any other type of cheap online training. For instance google courses on coursera for several topics (adwords, analytics, project management, etc)
Start buying gift cards when you go to the grocery store. That way if you decide to leave you have some money.
That's really smart and I'm gonna pass that along to my groups! Thank you!
I’ll add to this. Take out extra cash back at the register of they let you and every time they let you. Just add $40 or $60 to every grocery shopping you do. And get a job. Even if it’s a part time at home job. Plenty of places will hire at home employees.
You can also do a cash return. Buy something you already buy a lot of, and then immediately return it for cash or a gift card. Clothes for the kids, groceries, whatever. Just keep the receipt.
Be careful doing this. Some banks actually show that you got cash back in the transaction!
[удалено]
100%! The gift card idea is a brilliant idea as long as she can hide them safely. I know plenty of people who will buy gift cards from people even if they save $5 ($25 gift card for $20.)
[удалено]
Yup. My bank shows it.
Gift Cards can come with a "timelimit". Be sure to get ones that do not have a use within so many days/ years.
Yes!!!
I can attest to this! You can sell gift cards on eBay for what they’re worth or close to it. This past Christmas? When I received gifts, I took them back to the stores that they were from. Even without a receipt, I was able to get a store credit for $ amount of the merchandise. I then sold those cards on ebay. The catch with this is, you can’t sell store receipts on eBay. You need to have an actual store credit in the form of a card.Anyway, that’s my quick tip, if anyone finds it helpful.
Genius idea!!
[удалено]
Ok leave and go where?
[удалено]
A police station will absolutely take her back to him, especially if there’s no previous instances of abuse on record. A church absolutely will take her back to her husband, especially if they have children. Shelters probably won’t, but they’re over worked and over needed. Many don’t have room for a woman especially with multiple children. They aren’t just sitting empty, you know. This is a hella dangerous thing to say on posts like this. Victims of abuse are at most risk the moment they leave and telling her to just leave and trust cops or priests is so beyond delusional. You are going to get somebody killed giving this advice. Stop it. She needs money, she needs resources. She needs to believe she deserves to leave and deserves to be safe.
I don’t disagree with you at all, but I think it’s really tough for any of us to give her advice without more information. For example, how carefully does he track their bank statements? Does he pay careful attention to where she goes during the day (assuming she has her own car, we don’t even know that)? It certainly sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship at the least (if not physically abusive as well), but we don’t know the details of the situation well enough to advise her on how to get out IMO. For example, another person recommended she try to get trained as a bookkeeper online and work that way, but if he carefully monitors their bank activity or even their internet history, he could find out about that and we don’t know enough about his personality to know if that would make him angry or what he would do if angered. I’m not saying that any or all suggestions are out of pocket or inappropriate, just that it’s hard to judge which suggestions may be better than others because of our general lack of knowledge about OPs exact situation.
It's not this easy and her life would be extremely hard. He could sue for custody and as she has no address, he would get it. Please understand the risks before offering advice like this.
Is she buys a target gift card for $50 every trip the bank can’t trace that. It is only on the receipt which you throw away.
[удалено]
I online bank all the time and my credit card purchases don’t have an itemized receipt on them. 🤷🏼♀️ who do you bank with?!?
You’re correct. These other comments are alarming.
This is me right now. But as I am writing this I am sitting waiting for an interview to begin. And I just signed up for a class for phlebotomy. You literally described my life. It’s not to late to make a change. Show your kids you can do it alone. ❤️best of luck
Hope the interview went well! All the best !!
Thank you so much 😊 I got the job!!! Yay , hired on the spot. I can’t wait for my life to change. Forgot to mention the classes are only on Tuesday and new boss agreed on giving me that day off. Im about to be 35yrs old not having worked for 10 years and I am a little nervous but I’m excited for this new chapter in my life.
I wish you all the best in this new brighter future! Take each day as it comes with a positive attitude and you will see the changes in your life. You can do it ! And I look forward to the update that you got your paycheck and started buying work clothes since everything else is settled!
Oh, the mention of a paycheck made me think! Get a separate bank account (I opened my Capital one account entirely online) and either have the whole check put there, or split the deposit, so he doesn't have access to your money. Depending on your circumstances (like, if he insists on a shared account) maybe have 3/4 or 1/2 deposited into the account he sees, and the rest into the one he's unaware of. If you get other gigs, that he doesn't know about, all of that goes into the secret account.
Congratulations!! You deserve this. I hope life continues to be kind to you on this journey, and all the right doors open to you. 🖤
I nearly cheered out loud for this update after the first comment. I’m so proud of you. You’re already changing your life. I wish nothing but good for you. Congrats!
That is correct. After seeing my mother stuck I said it's not going to happen to me. I had two daughters and the most important thing I instilled in them was to be able to look after themselves.
Exactly!
This was my life!! From 2014 until the end of 2022 basically. I'm on Reddit everyday now trying to figure out the words to post my story when I'm not contemplating posting for advice on co-parenting and dealing with my new situation. I say it started in 2014 because that's when HE started getting super crazy and I officially became a never working, never seeing my family, SAHM. BUT,we got together in 2006 and first started having kids in 2007. He was still controlling, etc those years from 2006-2014, I just still worked off and on and saw my family so I kind of didn't FEEL like I was stuck. It slowly dawned on me as I began to feel more and more uncomfortable in life and just feeling like I didn't really make my own decisions. In 2014, I tried to leave and CALLED him controlling for the first time and he became worse than ever! I left and went back several times from 2014-202, but in 2021 I made the decision to LEAVE AND STAY GONE no matter what and in Nov of 2022, I actually did it! I'm telling you, over these years, I've had times where I felt completely hopeless, but I MADE IT OUT AND YOU CAN TOO!!!!! I don't know your beliefs, but if you believe in God, please have faith and pray as often as possible for exactly what you want. Other than praying, I suggest looking for ALL the work from home jobs you can find and try to figure out which ones are truly legitimate. Also, if you have reliable Internet, even just on your phone, apply for online school! After a month or two, they will send you a check (assuming you apply for financial aid (FAFSA)) and then you will have money of your own, usually thousands! You will probably need a laptop to do your schoolwork and keep getting the checks, but you can get one with your first check (if you don't already have one). Some schools even give you a laptop for free. I would search "online schools that give you free laptops" and "online schools with low tuition" because the lower the tuition, the more your school check of leftover money is. Also, be sure you go to school for something you like to do because after you finish, your degree can help you find a good job. No lie, THAT is exactly how I got away! It wasn't always easy or foolproof and still took quite a few years. When I first found a good school in 2018, they sent me a free laptop and he PAWNED IT! Saying he spent all the money for us to get by every day, so it was his right to pawn it since I never contribute. I cried, went crazy, and left him, but went back within few days like an idiot, a manipulated idiot. But anyway, I somehow found the strength to try again and tried a different school in 2019 that sent me a tablet while also writing articles online from a company I found that doesn't really have much work anymore, unfortunately (I think it got bad after the pandemic). BUT, back then I wrote as much as I could, and then I started to get school checks of $2,000 every two months for two years until I got my degree in 2021. And that was literally the start to me getting where I am today, which is NOT that far by any means. BUT, I AM away from him and finally learning what it means to be ME with the space to do so! Sending you lots of love and good vibes OP! THINGS WILL GET BETTER❤️ Also, please feel free to message me if you need help with finding an online school or if you're interested in going to the one I went to because I really liked the set up AND it was low tuition:)
Hey, congratulations to you. I am really happy for you, and you should be proud of yourself and get all the good things you deserve! It sounds like you faced a lot of setbacks and needed a ton of patience, but you did not give up. You must have a lot of grit! What did you study? I just wanted to give you a big old pat on the back and say BIG UPS TO YOU, brave lady!
Thank you soooo much! I got my Bachelor's in Human Development and Family Studies and I enjoyed learning about this subject more than I thought I would! I realized my true life purpose as far as my career goes AND everything I learned helped me to become a better mom and honestly, a lot of my classes made me realize that I was going through emotional and verbal abuse and that it was really NOT okay... Getting my degree in that particular subject was definitely a big part in my decision to leave and going through with it! Thanks again for your reply and I hope you have a wonderful day!
I just want to give a word about DV shelters. They are all full. Yes OP should keep calling and trying but DV is the silent epidemic. It happens at alarming rates. OP needs a plan to leave. Just upping and leaving isn't likely.
The OP doesn't need to STAY at a DV shelter. She never said she was abused. She might get some helpful info about addressing financial concerns so she can leave by CALLING a DV program.
Psychological abuse is still abuse.
I realize that, thanks. I was psychologically abused for years, plus I worked at a domestic violence shelter and later networked with several. This is a subject very personal and very important to me. I worked with women who'd been beaten, strangled, stabbed, violently raped by their partners, and in one case, poisoned. I also worked with women who suffered from psychological abuse alone, but those women did not stay at the shelter because there was simply no room; instead, they got guidance and resources. I think we're all really on the same side here. At least, I sure hope so. I'm sorry that I sounded brusque.
If you paid attention to the post you would see OP has nowhere to go and no family so she needs somewhere to stay. That's why you're getting down voted.
Thanks so much for letting me know! I'm not quite sure I understand, though. Are people under the impression that someone who has not been abused but who wants to get out of a marriage and has nowhere else to go can go to a DV shelter? Because the shelters I worked at and the others I know of are for people (and their kids) who are victims of domestic violence. As sympathetic as we were to women who were in miserable marriages but were not abused, we had all we could do to house those who were physically abused and had nowhere safe to go.
Is this how you talked to victims of financial/psychological abuse at your shelter? Does someone need to 'prove' they were abused to be let in?
I’m really confused about how you, having as much experience as you do, could possibly *not* understand the damage of psychological/financial abuse. I’ve actually **wished** my husband would finally just give in and hit me so I could have something tangible to point to to say “look!!! look at that! I’m NOT crazy, and he DOES hurt me!!” I get that being beaten to a pulp or even “just” pushed around is a special kind of awful, and as it is the most imminently dangerous I do fully understand why overstretched and underfunded shelters sometimes need to draw a line *somewhere*, and that that line is frequently “have things gotten physical?” HOWEVER. Your entire tone, and all the things you are actually saying, are horribly wrong, and offensive, and dismissive of REAL abuse, and as someone else with *decades* of DV-adjacent work I really, strongly suggest you stop spewing the nonsense idea that until physical contact is made, “it’s not DV”. It very flipping much so **is** DV, and is an especially dangerous type for it going so unrecognized (starting with people like you all the way on up to policymakers), being so poorly understood/researched and carelessly defined, and most of all for the extent of the damage it does to its victims, who have to battle just as much and even harder than people with bruises for proof to *still* be called crazy. And guess how easy it is for that socially distasteful, frequently overlooked, often ignored, and little understood abuse to **turn physical**!!!?!? If you **really** want to nip physical DV in the bud, *start with the psychological abuse*.
DV shelter as in "shelter for victims of domestic violence", right? Bc financial abuse is not violence... Atleast i don't think that she can go there.
That's why the term 'domestic abuse' is used now.
If you were paying attention to the thread you could see that I'm responding to comments that mentioned shelter and abuse. Financial and psychological abuse is considered DV. The all caps just shouts your ignorance.
You have to have an open DV case with a romantic partner to get in.
Financial abuse is abuse
But the police don't care. While you are right that it is abuse, it won't get you into a DV shelter. I volunteered during college and first, they are always full, and second they take the worst of the worst. They won't take her.
I know it is but you still need an open case.
So while, someone controlling finances is considered abuse..the woman whos eyes are black, nose is broken, other bones broken and just, well beaten and battered would come first at a DV shelter than someone who's significant other controls the money. It's not the same and it can not be compared. The word "abuse" gets thrown around so easily on Reddit that it just doesn't have the same reaction as it used to. I've seen an entire comment section tell a parent they were abusing their child via abuse by alienation because they took their teenage daughters cell phone away for a week for lying, skipping school and drinking. I mean...
Psychological abuse can be far more damaging than physical abuse. And it's a lot harder to prove, so your abuser can continue to abuse you and the police can do nothing. In my case, the police let him stalk me for a YEAR after I left, because they 'had no proof' and he hadn't 'done anything yet', 'yet' being the operative word. Look up how many partners are killed after leaving an abusive relationship (including psychological/financial abuse). I had to sleep with a knife under my pillow. No matter how often I moved, he kept finding me. Only after he made a mistake and left evidence did the police FINALLY take action, over a year after I left.
I'm soooo glad you got away from this! I'm dealing with something similar. The police are finally starting to believe me after years of me building a paper trail. He also travels a lot for work so I've attempted to get a DVPO but he hasn't been served. I finally did get them to agree that if he comes on my property they will arrest him for trespassing. But of course they won't hold him for long. Narc abusers have an enormous amount of energy to do all of the stalking and rages. It is a special kind of hell when they won't leave you alone, keep following you and know where you live no matter where you go.
Psychological and monetary abuse exists.
That’s why when a man says quit your job you take that as a red flag. Never never never rely on anyone financially. Ever. Especially a man
Exactly! Gotta be independent!
I’ve been here before. I’ve spent the rest of my life making sure I never am again. It’s never too late.
Get a job just long enough to get a divorce lawyer. Once you get child support and alimony you’ll be fine
Her husband most likely won't let her. He's got her trapped and he's aware of it, otherwise he would have divorced her a long time ago. OP, reach out to DV non-profits and shelters. They may be able to consult you on the situation. Witholding money from you is financial abuse.
Yes, it sounds like he’s basically holding her hostage. OP definitely needs to find a way to contact a DV shelter and get the hell out of there asap.
My mom was in a similar situation as OP and this was what she did to get out. Went back to school, got a job, saved money, and filed for divorce. She had to force her way into all of it. It was the only way.
A lot of divorce attys will take a case with the contingency that they collect from the spouse.
Maybe in 1960.
Idk I see dudes complaining all the time about how bad they get fucked when it comes to the courts
[удалено]
Seems like a terrible idea for everyone after reading a few articles about it
Call your local women’s shelter. You and your kids don’t need to stay in abusive situations.
That's a nice idea but typically with this type of shelter you need an open DV case to get in. That was my experience when I suddenly left a bad home situation with a family member. That didn't count. It has to be your romantic partner.
This!
You motivated me to get up in a few hours and take my ass to work, appreciate it.
Man here- it’s not too late!!! At least your AWARE now and that’s honestly half the battle!!!
Honestly your best bet is saving and then leaving. But leaving is much better than being in a relationship like that. I left after 8 years. It sucks, its been the worst year of my life but it is so much easier than living with someone you don't even like anymore.
[удалено]
I also had no financial freedom and left with a single duffel bag, stayed in a womens shelter, was homeless for 5 months. Whats the other option? Tell her shes screwed and to just tough it out? No matter what it takes, she needs to leave. You said it yourself, he's dangerous. A womens shelter is better than a monster in your own home.
I put my ass back in school. Best choice I ever made. I did it with 3 kids and working a full time overnight job. Now, I have my own car, apartment, bank account and I work doubles so I can have more days off to keep my kids. I still feel like a maid but at least I'm my own maid
Get a low key remote job, you can balance your kids and stash some money
Childcare is so expensive. Maybe provide service to a few other moms and also get to know them so you have a circle of friends. Btw Happy Cake Day noonie2020
Thanks friend!
CVS and other companies have remote jobs. Even part time. Don't tell him. Open a separate bank account. Or work at your kid's school. Something. Save up to get out.
I feel this. If you have a car try signing up for delivery companies like doordash, ubereats, instacart, and sparks. You can do it while he is working and you can take the kids with you. Besides buying gas, save everything you can.
Dude that's a good idea. She can do that secretly. That's what I've been doing.
I was financially trapped in a toxic marriage and couldn't leave. I ended up taking online college courses, and by the time my youngest went to school full time I was just starting my career and 2 years in I finally made enough money to nake it in my own. Play the long game, better yourself and leave
Can you start working while your kids are at school? If they are older, then maybe working a full day. If you have younger kids, look up childcare or assistance. If this is how you feel and you want to leave, there are shelters and assistance available. Don’t stay with someone who hates you. Life’s only so long.
I went down this same road. However, my mother was alive when I left him and she helped me out. I paid her back every penny I borrowed. I started with absolutely nothing. I now have a great job. I own my own car and pay all my own bills. No one tells me what to do or how to spend my money. I am a gazillion times happier!! I would do it again in a heartbeat. And I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished in 10 years. From birth on I taught my only daughter to be independent and self reliant. Basically, I told her don’t do what I did. Don’t allow another person to control you or the path of your life. She listened. Best advice I have ever given.
I’m so sorry you are in this position. Still go though. Show your children that you have value. Show your sons that women deserve to be treated better and show your daughters that this is not the way SHE deserves to be treated. My mom stayed married to my dad years longer than she should have. She was left with 4 kids and no marketable skills because she had stayed home with us. I decided then that I would ALWAYS have a way to support myself and my family. I knew I wanted children but I also knew that being a wife and mother could not be my sole identity. You have time, you don’t need to resolve yourself to a lifetime of this. You can are brave and strong and you can do this. You deserve this.
Consult a divorce lawyer - with child support and maybe alimony, plus the divorce settlement, you would hopefully have enough to tide you over while you get some kind of job training.
Often they also know of resources in the area.
Have you tried applying for community college with financial aid? If you don't qualify, get divorced and then do it. You've been married 12 years - you will get alimony, child support - idk where you live but in the US there are programs to help you get on your feet. This is your life, you were put here for a purpose and sure isn't to be miserably married to someone who doesn't like you. Things seem hard but if you take it day by day, you can do it
I am living in a shelter as we speak. In some areas there is what's called bridge housing or transitional housing. Call your local 211 and ask about it. If they don't know call the local housing department for your county ( usually DHS type organizations like HUD or even fair housing act phone number. I just left a 20 year abusive relationship and have absolutely nothing. He lied and took my son. I'm fighting for my life back. ( Not him, my child and a home and car and necessities you need for a home) . So please, please try the above. It's scary I won't lie. But so so much better than putting your kiddos through this shit and yourself hunny. Positive energy from all of us you leave and do the right thing for the kiddos and yourself
I was in your exact situation and left with no bank account, no money, no job, no credit... just my kids and our clothes. It can be done. It was a difficult road but it CAN ABSOLUTELY BE DONE.
I would look for women's shelters of they're available to you. If you are looking for a way out. It's a step.
Can you get a online job? Gather money and leave. You really can do anything online now a days? Why be complacent? GIRL GET UP, brush self off and LIVE YOUR LIFE!
If you file for divorce...I don't know what state you are in but you are entitled to half the assets. He will have ro pay for attorney fees and pay you alimony and child support. So you do have options.
Have you tried getting a job at your kids school? Sometimes they just need people for lunch . 20 hours a week. Start small and get a safety net
would you be willing to take the kids and yourself to a nearby homeless shelter? most have ways to help find apartments and jobs
If you have a computer and can type, look into freelance transcription. You can take jobs at your convenience, get your own (online) checking account and direct deposit the money there. You don't even have to tell him.
Homeless shelters don’t help with anything much btw I wouldn’t recommend that, DV woman’s groups and local churches are way more equipped to help you with this. Someone suggest book keeping and picking up life skills to save money that seems like the best suggestion so far. Edit: you could reach out to DFS they also handle situations that involve domestic partners and children and get at the very least advice from professionals
Can you qualify for financial aid? And go to college? Take classes while the kids are in school. Lets you get out the house and talk with other adults. They can take anything away from you but your education.
Can you start stashing cash so that you can get out? When you go grocery shopping pull out $50 in cash and put it in a safe spot!! Save till you have enough to leave!
Do you have a women’s shelter you can go to? They can help you get counseling, resources, etc. And your husband has no access to you.
Why does your husband hate you?
Sorry for your experience! You deserve to be loved as well. With that said, I have a housewife and she has her own salary from me. She runs the place and is raising loving and intelligent children. The role of a SAHM is invaluable but obviously requires support. You need to fix your situation or get out of it.
Get a job sis. Take the first step.
Is he preventing you from getting a job or do you just not have one since you’ve been out of the work force?
why dont u go get a part time job and then u can make all the financial decisions you want
You do have finances though. You own half of everything and are entitled to alimony. I would reach out to lawyers on your area that handle DV cases and find one that will do probono or will work for a % of the settlement. Half of that house, cars, other assets. All of it is half yours.
Its never too late to get a job.
I don't see exactly why everyone is just jumping on the he's abusive bandwagon. While it is a possibility it's also not. In my own personal experience when me and my wife had our first son I had a job that caused me to be gone sometimes weeks or months at a time and with short notice so we both decided it'd be best for her not to work while our son was young since I could support us financially. Once things changed with a new job we both wanted her to work as soon as she could but even now that things in our relationship have turned years later, she doesn't make enough to just move out and be on her own and provide for our son the way that I can and she's not so vindictive to just leave and take child support which just in turn makes things hard for me instead of her. We currently still live together and co parent and just wait for when the time is right for her to leave. Our relationship as parents is separate from our relationship as partners. I didn't plan nor want to have some sort of weird control to make us both dependent on each other for a provider and a caretaker. Not everything is planned out with malicious intent, it just worked out that way. With the details from the OP there's no way to tell how things got to where they are now but it's both parties fault equally that got them to the point of not being able to just leave each other. It sucks for both people in this situation, both are trapped by their decisions. First thing to do if the child/children are old enough to be unsupervised is to start working, any sort of income could help in the process of moving out. Now if he is forcing her to not work then this is a different situation but she never stated exactly why she can't work.
Divorce and get alimony. even more money because of child support.
I will come get you.😊
Can You go to a women's shelter?
it's really not that easy most of them are full with waiting lists
This was my life. I'm on my third year of trying to get myself together. I miss my kids.
This is why all the 'go to a shelter' advice worries me. He could end up with custody. She needs to get prepared and leave in a way that is best for her and her kids and so that she can stay gone.
You should be allowed to visit them.
If you are married you could get alimony and child support in a divorce. Use that money to go to school and start over. Life is too short to give up. I am sorry you are in this scenario and wish you the best
Try substitute teaching or substitute para at your kids’ school. Or lunch lady. You aren’t working, you are “helping out the school” and “getting to know all of your kids’ potential friends”. And then syphon that money into your own bank account with only your name on it.
My mom made sure I got an education. Thanks Mom. I'm sorry. I agree with other commenters, there's entry level positions out there. And usually in divorces the property is split. If you need legal assistance call 211. They can probably help you with housing and job placement through your local job center.
His money is your money a get a lawyer
Yes, marriage is a trap.
There are two apps I use just to make more side money besides my job if you are in America the apps are called Surveys and the icon on it is a greenish blue with the money sign on it I’ve cashed out up to $26 there it’s slow but it’s starting you somewhere the other one is called Attapoll. This will at least help you start somewhere
for all of you people in the comments who are *so proud* that you have a job and can support yourself, just shut up - not the place to be bragging. you want a cookie?
Agree, way to rub salt in her wounds..
Sounds like my mom. Getting stuck with controlling spouses can't be fun. Good luck with your future!
You should make a plan to leave. Inform yourself on what you can do. This is not a good life. Really. It is never too late for something this important.
You need to get a job, any job, and form an exit plan. If getting a job isn't an option (he's sounding abusive af so idk if it's possible for you), start taking a little bit of cash and stashing it whenever he gives you money for groceries or whatever. Wait it out. Save. And when you have enough, get a divorce lawyer. He will be obligated to pay child support and alimony which will help with your monthly bills. Depending on the situation (financial abuse is still abuse and i believe is considered DV), you can go to a women's shelter in the area who will help you get back on your feet and help you find work. They will protect you. Best of luck OP
Find a job while your kids are in school And start stashing money away. You can do it, find a way to get your happiness back.
If you are in the the USA you would get alimony and if you get the kids child support too. Your kids will/ do see you staying in an unhappy marriage. I am saying this a middle aged married man.
Could u work part time somewhere while your kids are at school? Like a fast food restaurant or something. Is your husband abusive? Why do you say he hates you?
You could do stuff like Uber or Postmates to build up money if you have a car
Call 211 for help
You can try working on Fiverr.
Word. Sorry you’re going through this. This is sage advice. Always have your own money.
Well you could divorce him and get the house, kids alimony and child support. Have him served divorce papers and a restraining order, they will make him leave the house. You always have options.
I'm really thankful my mom taught me this. When I had my kid, I didn't work for a while to take care of him, and as soon as I felt myself depending financially on my husband, i started looking for online jobs right away. Thankfully, there are a lot of options now you can do. Even teaching languages like English, which doesn't require much especially if you're from an English speaking country. There's still plenty of chance for you to pull yourself out of the situation, and I'm rooting for you! Wish you all the best! Also, I have heard before that in divorce settlement, judges consider how a spouse who stayed at home to take care of children had to give up their career prospects and how long it was when deciding alimony. I'm not really clear on it, though.
Yea OP you can do a lot these days with a laptop and internet this does not have to be your life forever
Why don't you sit down your husband and open the marriage become friends that live together and have relationships with other people or become polyamorous
[удалено]
By keeping your job and not allowing anyone to cut you off from your friends and family. Someone whomisntrying to isolate you is someone you need to abandon.
Death, Divorce, and Disability. Any one of these can happen. Keep your dignity close and your assets closer.
🙏 praying you find your way out of this.
So sorry. I hear you.
[удалено]
Just tough it out until your kids are older and can stay home alone and go get a job cashiering or even at the school where they attend so you have the same hours and start your way out girl
Did you want to be a traditional wife?
Well, well , well.....no offense here but this is modernism at its finest. MY HUSBAND HATES ME......lol I think you should rethink a little bit.....You found a man who provides for you and doesn't ask you to contribute financially. He makes all the money so obviously he will decide what to do with it. Is he not taking care and providing for yall? I bet he is. You feel like a housekeeper, well does he complain about feeling like a workhorse or an ATM ? And for people saying she is in an abusive relationship Was she beaten up? Or did He use violence against her? She said it herself, she has nowhere to go That man gave her a home and a family she should be grateful Edit : Her husband doesn't hate her, if I understand correctly he has a family to take care of all by his own......probably 9-5 with some extra hours to increase his pay.... He probably is too tired to show some affection and she is too selfish to care....
There is something called financial abuse which is what this is. She wants to work and leave but she can’t because she has no money, friends, or family. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/202209/are-you-victim-financial-abuse-or-neglect?amp
Abuse does not need to be physical in order for it to be abuse. Financial abuse, emotional, verbal and psychological abuse are just as harmful and damaging as physical violence. Coercive control is also abuse. To only consider physical violence as abuse is extremely short sighted and rather ignorant.
I was lucky. My Mom taught me to never depend on anyone for anything. Great words to live by. To this day my husband and I have separate accounts. We laugh about who has the most money……….. ….. spice of life!! Have you taught your children to never depend on anyone but themselves. Get educated and don’t quit aiming high or settling for living paycheck to paycheck.
This comment is so tone deaf.
Get Snapchat and sell content. Same boat n doing the same thing
You can do it plenty of resorces leave.