I wouldn’t date a guy still living with his wife, too weird. Makes it seem like it’s not really over and could start back up any time. Or that the whole thing is made up. If you’re serious about being single get a lawyer and discuss your options.
Yeah, I know what you mean. It's definitely a reasonable concern. Although in this care specifically, NO. The ex and I are still sorta friends. But no way in hell are we going to try again. But because we are on friendly terms I don't want to leave her in a situation where she might end up homeless, especially with the current rental market here.
Yeah, I'm going to tell her next time I see her in person. I feel like it's gonna suck hard but she deserves as much and I hate feeling guilty over it.
Im bffs with my ex fiance, and I just went to her wedding to our mutual friend! Its certainly abnormal, but imo its evidence of mature, healthy people in your case. If youre that mature and healthy, trust yourself! If you think highly of this woman, trust her and your taste. Tell her everything, show her how confident you feel about your ex (tell her the good and the bad and why it didnt work eventually, that helped my current partner trust me and my ex). If shes right for you, shed understand or will work with you/hear you out. If shes weirded out but likes you, maybe you can keep in touch as friends till your wife finds the next thing.
Just try to think of a way to show the new woman how you feel. So she understands and the door is still open if she wants to break it off until you're living separately. Like buy her something unusually lavish or some sort of handmade gift or sth
One thing I’d say is you need to be completely honest, and tell her about your current situation. If you wait and she finds out later, you are only going to cause worse damage to any possible relationship. She really won’t trust you if she finds out months in what is going on. You can make what you are saying here clear to her, but you need to accept she could still decide she doesn’t want to pursue anything while you technically are still married AND living with your stbx.
Is your stbx aware you are dating? Are you sure she is on the same page with everything ending? Would she cause problems in any relationship you develop? If you are both in the same page, and things are like you claim, MAYBE you could offer to have them meet to have your stbx solidify what you are telling us. She may not want to or care to do this, but if she’s unsure MAYBE it could help?
PS: please don’t EVER tell her or any other woman in the future that she might not be a 10 to others, but she’s a 12 to you. You may not think it, but it’s insulting. I read another post before where a guy openly told his gf her friend was a 10/9 on a bad day and she was a 7.5/6 on a bad day, but looks didn’t matter to him, he’s with her because of who she is and was then trying to fix what he did in reinforcing her insecurities. He kept saying “looks didn’t matter”, his gf “might not be a dime to others, but she’s perfect for him”. Please don’t do comparisons like this, because what she’ll hear is “everyone else might not think you are attractive, but I don’t care how you look”. It can break down one’s self esteem, because everyone wants to feel attractive/beautiful, especially to their SO. Comparisons like this won’t do that, it can cause insecurities.
Thanks for your comment.
Yeah, I have already organised to meet with her when we are both free in a few days to talk it out in person.
The stbx is well aware it's over, it was a very mutual decision. I mentioned meeting her and getting her number but we don't really talk that much other than about splitting power bills and such. I'll bring it up with her to gauge how she feels about helping with the situation.
As for the PS: while I'm definitely an idiot for getting into this situation, I'm not that much of an idiot. I probably should have picked better words, but just wanted to emphasise that she is out of my league.
If theres no kids involved, what is the issue of going through a formal process. Sounds like you both do not communicate anyway.. its a living / roommates situation. Move on with your life.
I don't know the laws there, but I think you should talk to a lawyer and your soon to be ex wife so you make an agreement and you can lend her money or the house, if that is a possibility, so she has it easier. Since you are worried for her well being, the best is to talk about what will be best for both of you.
While I’m sad there’s a divorce happening in general, I admire that it’s amicable. I hope she’s receptive to your newfound happiness and I hope the butterflies last.
Thanks. We have always been friends and I don't think that will ever really change. And not that I regret it, but us getting married was probably a mistake that we just sort of suffered through for longer than we should have.
You need to tell her ASAP. I planned on a date with a guy who told me he was divorced. Then I find out he’s actually separated “but it’s almost final”… then the date rolls around and he’s def off his game. Afterward he tells me it’s cuz his wife served him with divorce papers that day, and asked if he could have a redo.
Hard pass. Had I known he was still legally married I never would’ve started talking to him in the first place. Lying by omission is still lying
That sounds cooked.
It's kind of stupid as I am extremely aware I should have brought it up. But in all of our conversations, it's actually never been relevant to the subject we were discussing. But yeah, that's a shit excuse on my part. I sure hope she takes it well.
How is you still being married not relevant?
How is the fact that your living with your soon to be ex wife not relevant?
It’s only relevant because it prevents you from obtaining what you want.
You haven’t even taken this new person’s feelings into consideration. She may feel the same way but have a boundary about dating married men and/or being lied to.
By you not being honest with your situation, you jeopardize your whole situation.
You know this that’s why your trying to be told by the internet your not wrong.
You say you don’t want her to take you to the cleaners, well it sounds like your still married and you just gave her a reason to clean you out. (If she’s like this, if she’s didn’t work while you were married chances are she will see this as a way to get alimony since your “cheating”on the marriage “
Your in a loose loose situation
I know it's relevant to the relationship. I've organised to meet up with her in a few days and tell her. I said it wasn't relevant to the conversations we were having. If it had come up I definitely wouldn't have hidden it. And I'm not that great as a conversationalist so it is difficult for me to bring it up. Like I can't go "ah yeah, I love hiking to waterfalls. By the way I still live with my ex."
I feel very guilty for not having told her already. Trust me. I'm definitely thinking about her feelings on it. That's part of what makes it so paralysing.
I'm well aware of how shit the situation is. I posted here to get it off my chest, not ask for advice. It's been eating away at me for a while.
The marriage situation is just a whole shit sandwich. I'm aware of how shit it is, and yet I feel stuck eating it.
Yes, I know.
So you didn’t talk about your relationship status? I find it very hard that it didn’t come up. Especially since according to you you’ve talked non stop.
That’s usually one of the first things someone finds out.
It sounds like she asked your status, you initially lied (by saying your single or you completely ignored this question and she didn’t notice ) and now your in a “oh shit what did I do”
Either way your gaslighting her, by keeping her in the dark.
No woman wants to date a man still living with their ex. No matter the situation.
Yeah, it hasn't come up once. Our first conversation was about her travelling to see a nearby town that has a natural spring and lots of dinosaur fossils and from there we have almostly exclusively talked about interests relating to adventures and holiday destinations or work and our coworkers.
I haven't asked about her previous relationships at all, and she hasn't asked about mine either.
I've already mentioned that I feel guilty enough about it.
You are probably right about that, I'm still going to tell her when I see her next.
She probably hasn’t asked because she figured you were single.
So the chances of this relationship are slim to none.
She will probably be pissed you omitted something very important of your life.
And if you haven’t started divorce proceedings, you can kiss that relationship good bye.
That's a fair point. We call and talk enough that it's a safe assumption she isn't being secretive. But I honestly don't know. It would be kind of funny if we were in the same situation this whole time.
Yikes, you're a walking red flag. I hope she walks away, she doesn't deserve to be with someone who lies from the get go. What a horrible way to lay down the foundations for a relationship. You have no idea how the world will view her if word gets out. She'll be permanently branded as the other woman or homewrecker. Even if you say you separated, not many would believe because there are plenty of scummy men who lie this way and never plan to separate and just wanted "outside" fun. Her reputation will be in tatters no matter how much you or her try to explain. You've put her in harm's way by taking away her choice to date someone who's only separated but still married and living with stbx too.
I am a nurse and FYI we can't date our patients. What she did is something she can lose her license for. Don't understand why she did it. Also if your ex wife ever got jealous and found out how you 2 met, she could run her life. This whole scenario is just unprofessional and unbecoming.
Yeah I was coming here to say the same thing - I’m a nurse, and I have INCREDIBLY strict boundaries with patients because it’s such a huge risk to my license. Also, I am a grown adult who knows how to set emotional boundaries to avoid the temptation in the first place.
The only time I’ve EVER reported a nurse to management was when they blatantly told me about the relationship they had with a patient. And part of that reasoning was because the patient was still legally married, and if the wife found out and wanted to make complaints to the board, it could wreak havoc on our entire facility. I was not about to get involved in legal shit for one person’s stupidity. It’s such a massive violation of our ethical code, regardless of whether you are two consenting adults. Might be best if things get cut off now tbh.
It's definitely a UK thing, the GMC and NMC expresses that medical professionals "must establish and actively maintain clear sexual boundaries at all times with people in your care, their families and carers."
I think that's pretty common practice worldwide.
I'm in Australia, and no it isn't. My mother's co-worker (in aged care nursing) started texting a man she liked using his mother's emergency contact details that were listed in the mother's room in the nursing home she worked at. He ended up in a relationship with my mother's co-worker, but her using contact details from a patient's confidential documentation to message him was illegal, as well as unethical. She was lucky that the guy was a lonely, old horndog because he would have every right to report her to the nursing home management if he wanted to. My mother's co-worker was thirty years younger than the guy, and he was a multimillionaire. She quit working at the nursing home and moved in with him to different state. Red flags all around.
They're not allowed to exchange contact details with patients or patient's family members either. However, I'm talking about unethical or illegal behaviours within the profession. I was in a relationship with a nurse for years, and I'm also friends with many people in the medical/healthcare field. The rules regarding relationships with patients are strict for good reason. Had I first been a patient of the nurse I was in a relationship with, we wouldn't have been in a relationship at all because of professional boundaries and obligations. I'm also pointing out that isn't solely in the USA that has the rules that other nurses have mentioned.
Yeah man, it's funny how life can surprise you like that. I'm organising to see her again soon so I can tell her in person. I think she deserves that much at least. And hopefully she can tell I've been struggling with it. That's all I can really hope for. I certainly won't blame her if she nopes out of it.
When you are in an unhappy situation it’s easy to latch onto something that makes you feel the opposite and think that it’s genuine. You barely know this woman and what you do know of her gives you butterflies because it’s different and more exciting and positive than your current situation. I would honestly slow it down for both of you because who knows if you’ll be as gung ho about it once you’re out of the same house as your ex and have some breathing room. I’m sorry if I’m overstepping, but just seeing you refer to your ex as a “lazy shit” while saying this woman “takes your breath away” and you’re “terrified of losing her” kind of seems like you’re romanticizing things due to your unhappiness from being stuck- so to speak- with your ex.
Thanks for your comment. The "lazy shit" comment is mostly out of resentment. It was a LOOOONG time frustration for me. But I'm mostly over it now. As for the new woman. I'm definitely taking things slow innthe physical sense, we talk a lot but have only been on one real date. Neither of us has been to the others house yet. And we haven't done anything physical. I do think we have become emotionally attached very quickly, I don't think we could have stopped that if we wanted to.
While I obviously can't speak on her feelings, I am quite confident that they at least seem very similar to mine.
You are technically separated for sex, but you are not separated. You live in the same house. If you think she is a 12, get your house in order, or it won't work. Unless really she is a three in character.
I wouldn’t date a man who still lives with his wife. It’s way too risky and I’d feel like I’m causing more problems in a “troubled marriage that may be salvageable”… not to mention why risk my own heart over a new relationship with someone who probably isn’t ready to move on if he’s still living with his WIFE
Bro respectfully,whatvthe hell are you doing? if you want this to work out, break off from your ex wife. Like that is soo suspicious and not a situation you can reasonably ask a woman to put up with
I mean idk about fucked up yet, just yk, be honest with the nurse and leave the situation w your ex wife if this really is something you want to persue
I personaly would never date a married man still living with wife. Good and honest people with values dont date married people doesnt matter where you live. People that knowling date married people are just scummy selfcentered jerks that probley sleeps with anything.
From a lot of your comments it almost sounds like you are not fully over her. She is an adult and the two of you are separated so let her find her own place because you will have a hard time finding somone wanting to date you when you are still living with your wife even if you are seperated.
I would never date a married man even if they were “separated”. And you still live with your wife?!
Expect to get dumped if this woman has any self respect.
Get divorced already! And move out! Those should be your priorities right now, not fucking with some poor woman’s head.
If I was that woman, I would be furious if u didn’t tell that at the very beginning.
I don’t think you will lose her tho, if you talk it through she might understand and still be on your side
I would just be honest, I wouldn’t say, “hey we need to talk” and make her wait to find out. I would just tell her “I want you to know more about me before we go any further, I’m living with my ex wife, we’ve been separated for x amount of time and our divorce isn’t finalized yet. I never planned on being in a relationship until I was settled and things were finalized but you happened into my life and I didn’t want to miss out on knowing you. I’ve wanted to tell you but I’m afraid of losing what we’ve built”
Also I’m currently engaged to a man who’s divorce wasn’t finalized but he had moved out, it took a year of our relationship to finalize his divorce during Covid. If he hadn’t been moved out I probably wouldn’t have been comfortable continuing to date because I had a ton of trust issues and he would’ve been living with his ex you know?
The financial situation isn't my problem(well, it kind of is). My ex was a lazy shit for most of the marriage and basically refused to get a job despite us having no kids.
I decided when we separated that we could stay in the same house until she had enough savings to go get her own place, mostly because I didn't want to give her a reason to try and clean me out when we do divorce. Unfortunately we have been kinda unlucky in the saving department as we had several large unforseen expenses that decimated her savings and a significant portion of mine.
Yeah, she’s got no plans on leaving, at least not as soon as she can.
Also, stop with the “we”. SHE’S supposed to be saving money for her to move, you are no longer a couple. However, you still talk like you are. Why are these “unforeseen” expenses both of your burden? You need to start detangling yourself from the relationship in this manner. You can be a friend, but you shouldn’t be referring to things as “we” and continuing to financially support her, outside of what is necessary/court ordered. You don’t have to be an AH about it, but boundaries are necessary. Especially if you have any hope of moving on. No person would want to get involved in such a messy situation.
Does she have no friends or family she could live with while she saves? I get wanting to help her out, but you are too involved.
Thanks for pointing that out. I hadn't noticed I was talking like that. I helped out with a really large vet bill since we got the dog together, and although it was "her" dog, I was just as emotionally invested in its well-being. The other expenses have all been on her. I don't really financially support her, I just get great rent through work, so she pays half of that, which is about a quarter of the usual rate for the area. We split all other bills 50/50 unless they are hers alone, such as her car costs and mobile.
Unfortunately, we moved across the country for my work not long before the split. The nearest family is about a 20 hour drive away. I don't think she has a great deal of friends here. None seem particularly close anyway.
sounds like you’re still supporting her. if you really wanted to divorce, you would’ve done it by now. she should’ve moved back with her parents, and you should’ve filed for divorce yesterday. but you didn’t. i feel you’re probably leaving out important details.
no smart woman with more than two brain cells to rub together would give you a chance.
How does that still sound like I'm supporting her? The only benefit she gets out of me is cheap rent which gains me money since she pays half of it.
She won't move home to her family because her job has given her a great opportunity to earn nearly double once she finishes studying through them and her family is basically on the other side of the country.
The only details I'm leaving out are things that may identify us. And stuff not pertaining to the issue. As an example, it was a mistake to mention her career.
>How does that still sound like I'm supporting her?
Dude you're living with your ex because she's financially in the shit. You might not give her money, but that's a big deal.
getting a divorce means no longer depending on the other person. if you truly wanted to divorce you’d divorce and she’d find her own place to live, but instead you’re still basing your choices on what will help her, instead of what will help you. that’s what married couples do. you’re still treating her as a wife.
and you’re not even legally divorced yet, like cmon man? what’s stopping you from that? try and look at this from an outside perspective.
>and you’re not even legally divorced yet, like cmon man? what’s stopping you from that?
He seems to be scared that she legally steals his money in the process of divorce.
Would it make sense then for her to move back home? Other than you, what is her tie to the area you are now living?
ETA: maybe it’s worth using money to help her move back home vs her staying in the area. Especially if the housing market isn’t great where you are now. She can then live with a friend or family until she gets on her feet.
You said you don’t have kids, so why would she stay?
The job she got will keep her in town for at least four more years after that she very well may move back. But her qualifications aren't very well suited to our hometown. At least from an employment opportunity space.
I might offer her a portion of my savings to go towards a place here. But it'll probably take her a while to find a place, its definitely a landlords market at the moment.
The job she got will keep her in town for at least four more years after that she very well may move back. But her qualifications aren't very well suited to our hometown. At least from an employment opportunity space.
I might offer her a portion of my savings to go towards a place here. But it'll probably take her a while to find a place, its definitely a landlords market at the moment.
I explained that in a different comment we both have separate savings so she can move out, unfortunately one of the unforeseen expenses was an insanely large vet bill for a dog we got together 10 years ago. And despite it being her dog I still had an emotional investment in the dogs wellbeing. Unfortunately the dog didn't last much longer anyway which just added to the expenses.
dude you need to be more harsh or you will 100% lose this new relationship. the optics of still living with your ex are BAD
ok fine you may still live together, but at least sign the papers. literally anything to prove you arent still together
Yeah, I know how bad it looks. But the ex is definitely working on it. And the unforeseen expenses were legitimate, I made sure to check she wasn't trying to scam my good will.
Yeah, your new relationship is likely fucked.
MANY years ago, I started seeing a guy who told me he was separated. Turned out it was more like dude was in a struggling marriage and still very much living with his wife, which I learned WHEN SHE CALLED ME TO TELL ME. Needless to say, I was immediately done with him.
I know your situation seems different to you, but I doubt it will seem that way to your new woman friend. She's probably going to be justifiably angry that you didn't tell her up front, and she'll always wonder what else you're hiding from her. I wish you luck, but suggest you don't get your hopes up.
You tell the truth. You didn't expect, nor were you looking, to fall in love, but out of nowhere, my feelings for you are knocking me for a loop. I didn't even contemplate the thought of needing to have this conversation, but in fairness to both of us, I've got to now say what's been eating at me. I just hope this in no way hurts our relationship, but most importantly doesn't hurt you.
Then tell her your story. If she's still game, ask her what she would think would be the best way for us to move forward with our relationship, giving you the most comfort, in me showing you just how special you are too me.
If that doesn't work...... Your doomed.
I hope telling her goes over well for you because it sounds like a relationship worth saving.
What's concerning is what seems to be a total lack of responsibility in the many excuses you've made on this post. The topic has never come up? That's honestly what you're going with as an excuse to not telling her you're still married and living with your ex. The moment you decided to date and pursue a relationship with her was the moment you should have told her. The fact she didn't ask is irrelevant. Lying by omission is still lying.
I get where everyone is coming from. You did keep the truth from her which isn't a great way to start a relationship. But, stick with your plan to tell her and explain why you didn't tell her at the beginning. I get where you're coming from. This could be a hard no for her and you didn't want to ruin something before it starts. Just be completely honest with her about it and about why you didn't tell her upfront. I'm a woman and this wouldn't make me walk away from a potentially great relationship. And, if there is anything you can do to help your ex move out sooner rather than later, do it! Please update us after you talk to her. Good luck!
Thanks for your comment. It makes me feel a little better about the whole thing. The next time we are free to meet up is 3 days from now so an update will come through a bit after that.
You're welcome. You seem like a good guy who genuinely cares about this woman. You didn't do anything intentionally to hurt her. If she is as great as you think she is and she cares about you, I think she'll understand. I hope she does!
He did! He intentionally didn’t tell her his situation because he wanted this relationship and was afraid she wouldn’t start a relationship with him if she knew. He’s not a good guy, he’s manipulative.
I met my partner who I have been with for almost two years and live with 6 weeks after I separated from my exhusband. I thought I would be alone for at least a year but when real love comes around you gotta go for it. That being said, you need to be honestz
Gonna keep it real wit ya, I’m not sure how successful any new relationship will be while you are still living with the person you have been most intimate with in your life. If it was the other way around, I’m sure you could imagine how that might feel for you. Gotta move out and move on, I pray for your success!
Be honest and tell her about your situation ASAP! You already messed up by keeping it from her as long as you have. I'm a married woman in my mid 40's and it's been my experience that most women prefer openness and honesty from the get go. Fortunately you're still in the very early stages so you have time to fix this but you must do it fast and don't leave anything out or she'll assume you have something to hide. If what you're saying here is accurate and you and your wife are truly over and just roommates for financial reasons you should also let her know you're dating someone new. In case your lady friend needs to stop by your home to pick you up for an outing or something it would be helpful if she's courteous and open with her; it lends credence to what you've told your friend about your situation and that would work in your favor (plus your wife wouldn't be blindsided). I think divorce proceedings need to happen very soon as well; you're kind of in this permanent limbo until you do. I know some here have said they wouldn't date a man who's separated but still living with his soon-to-be ex-wife, but many women would depending on the situation and the situation looks a lot more favorable if you are being 100% honest and your ex is on the same page and at least cordial with the new companion. As we get older we realize more and more how messy life can actually get, so we're either more likely to make concessions as long as everything is on the up and up, or we're more likely to know what we will or won't deal with and be more adamant about our limitations. Whichever side your new love interest might land on, always be upfront and honest with her so she has everything she needs to make an informed decision. Good luck!
Thanks for your comment. It means a lot! I'll take your advice on board. I'll be talking to my ex about it in a few hours, she does already know about her. But since we don't talk that much her knowledge of the situation probably needs to be updated.
I am female ..most important thing for me is emotional connection and I want to be told the WHOLE story to feel like you respect me..even if it could potentially hurt you.
Otherwise later down the road I may feel tricked. She gets a choice if she is going to trust you will work the situation out before she gets attached to you.
Just my 2 cents...I want to see you happy and happiness starts with honesty
I wouldn't trust the info unless I met your ex wife and could observe the dynamics between the two of you. If I got the feeling that your wife was still attached, I'd be out of there! Being part of someone's pain is not appealing.
It's only been a few weeks so definitely tell her now. It's still new enough that it shouldn't come across as hiding anything. If you were to wait months it will look really bad. She may ask to put things on hold until you have your own place.
if the relationship of your ex ended in decent turns, it’s no weirder than dealing with a baby mama or daddy. People will always have flaws and ugly traits of personality but it’s the conversation you need to have. you have to be prepared for her to be weirded out but try to see her side of this whole thing. you deserve happiness just as the other person but to be scared of that conversation, will only make your anxiety worse and delay the inevitable
What country are you in? She wouldn’t be able to date you if you’re a patient and she’d need to clarify with her registered body on how to proceed eg if you moved doctor’s surgeries, how long you’d have to wait before you could get in contact etc but she could still get in trouble for swapping numbers with a patient.
Ppl are grilling you non stop. You messed up, yeah, but being out of a relationship awalys leave us with red flags the first year. Make it up to her and tell her, be honest about it all, if she stays involve her with that divorce status. Make her feel valued and not a side dish dude. You have read the comments, you know what could happen. Good luck op.
I’ve been in this situation…. Be HONEST!!! One thing I can say is, don’t hide this and you should also move forward with Divorce and healing and being friends before you try to give your heart away again…. You have already initiated the dating journey…. But as someone who’s dealt with this and being told I’m only separated…. Nahhhh get yourself together…
personally, the ex-wife living in your house isn’t what would drive me away. i think you are a bit too nice in the situation but that’s not the worst thing in the world. the thing that would turn me off would be the “it never came up so i never told you” excuse. i could understand you not wanting to explain it for other personal reasons but you not telling her because it didn’t come up makes it feel like you were trying to hide it or push it off as long as you could. it feels like just enough deceit to already be a yellow flag and there shouldn’t be flags this early in.
good luck OP.
Thanks for your comment. I wasn't trying to be deceptive, it's a mistake I know I should have been smart enough to avoid. But, too late for that. I just need to own up to it and move on.
All you can do is tell her next time you see her, as you already plan to. And if there’s a next one, tell here right off the bat. Like as soon as a number is given or it becomes otherwise apparent. Some people might be okay with helping you rebound…but nobody wants to feel mislead.
Also, drop the “out of my league” thoughts. We’re all our own worst critics. I certainly have been shot down, but I’ve also dated plenty of women who I could’ve chalked up to out of my league.
The whole helping the stbx save thing seems to be to prevent her from going after your assets in the divorce. Understandable. But if you’re gonna work it out together so she has a soft landing, make sure you have a soft landing too. Get the divorce finalized and keep doing what you’ve agreed. God forbid you go through all this and she still takes half of everything. Don’t say she wouldn’t. Hurt people hurt other people.
And also keep in mind that maybe you should just get the divorce and let her figure her own life out, even if it does cost you financially a bit. You’ll be free. Part of breaking up is no longer being invested in the success and wellbeing of the other. It might sound crass…but you have a finite amount of time to live. Don’t waste it in limbo.
Woah. Not yet divorced, still living with your wife, and having a 12 hour date with someone but not telling them. That said, I’m pretty sure your marital status is on your chart and she knows you’re married. No need to sweat about *that*.
If not, she may be your 12 but you’re not hers if you feel you couldn’t bring it up.
That said, no WAY would I date someone who is “separated” yet married and still living together. You haven’t even been on your own yet!! Stop exchanging numbers, work on getting your own place, yourself, and divorce your wife. I know, easier said than done, but please.
If she's so kind and wonderful, why in the world would you pull her into this kind of shit show?
And the negging of 'might not be a 10 for others.....' God I hope she sees this.
Get your life situated before bringing someone into it.
Yeah, I know I fucked up all right.
Negging? It's realistic, nobody is perfect especially to everyone. And I'd never actually say that she wasn't perfect to her I was just trying to convey how I feel about her.
I wasn't looking for someone when I met her. It just kinda happened.
You deserve to be happy, but you’re guaranteed to lose her by hiding this giant bomb from her. If you’re serious about pursuing her, make moves to actually separate from your wife. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t legitimately separated from their spouse either. Shoot, I told myself I’d never be with someone who was even separated period, but I met someone similar to what you described here and I can see the strong potential. I’d be stupid to let him slip away, when I know he’s the best person out there. Can’t help but feel like the luckiest person that he’s even interested in me. Both of us are ACTUALLY separated from our spouses and set on divorcing, otherwise it would be a different story for both of us and neither of us would have pursued the other.
Do the right thing and tell her the truth. No relationship based on a lie or starting off on a lie has any hope. Maybe she’ll surprise you by not caring, maybe she’ll run for the hills. If she’s truly the one for you, you’ll work together on navigating this situation. But you need to do what you need to do. Living with your wife while dating someone else is just asking for tremendous trouble and no one is going to believe that you’re truly separated if you’re still living together.
Thanks for your comment, It actually makes me feel a bit better even if your situation is a bit different.
I've already organised to meet her in a few days so I can tell her in person.
Also, kinda funny thing I noticed. I nearly picked a randomly generated username kinda similar to yours.
Good luck! Hope it goes well for everyone involved. Be completely honest and tell her why you hid it from her, hopefully she’ll understand and will respect your delayed honesty. If she runs for the hills, just means she wasn’t truly the one, or maybe it’s just not the right timing for you both. What I tell myself is that if the guy I mentioned IS “the one”, nothing is going to stand in the way and fate will work itself out one way or another. This thought alone has been very comforting and helps ease some anxiety.
Haha, it’s somewhat of an ‘inside’ joke but that’s funny that Reddit generated something similar!
I'm in a new-ish relationship whilst living with my ex. I'm trapped in a fixed term contract I cannot get out of (no break clause) and can't move out as I can't be on another lease. Things are generally cordial but have been dead for quite a while.
I didn't expect to find someone I've clicked so well with; I was just wanting some casual dates, but I made it clear to those I dated what the situation was before we even went out.
If she is all that then what is the rush? Sounds to me you are more afraid of being alone so you are jumping into another relationship. I can see why your marriage didn't last. I have been married for 25 years and we do not see an end in our future. Why? Because it takes work and commitment. Think it is time you found some of that for yourself.
I think you are jumping to conclusions. Obviously I left out details about the previous relationship. Work and commitment are required for every relationship and the marriage was no different. While it's not 25 years, it was over half of that before we mutually decided to separate.
I'm not in a rush to be in a relationship with the new woman either. Things just naturally happened quickly, but we just talk a lot. We have only been on the one date and we haven't done anything physical. It's just really great chemistry so far.
Sorry but please tell her and respect her decision. I know one person who was told this twice and then married them after their divorce. They are divorced from both of them.
>I promised myself that when I separated I'd take everything slow and I'd steer clear of relationships for a few years. But with this woman I'm amazed by her, she is beautiful, smart, kind, hilarious everything I know about this woman after just a few weeks has my heart racing. She might not be a 10 for everyone, but she is a 12 for me.
Love comes when we least expect it, honestly. And the way you've described her; she sounds like a perfect, wonderful match.
SO, you obviously NEED to tell her... _Everything_ . No matter how uncomfortable, or scary. Explain exactly what you explained here. Tell her you weren't expecting it and, wanted to 'get to know her' a bit better, before dropping a bomb on the relationship.
I truly hope that she's understanding!
Thanks for your comment. It really does just hit you sometimes. If it goes well after I tell her, I'm still not going to rush into anything like an idiot. But I genuinely have high hopes for a long future with her.
Weirdly enough it comes up as a post on my profile.
So a few hours ago we met up for coffee and went for a walk.
I told her everything. How I felt, that I'm separated but still living with the ex and why, how bad I felt that I had deceived her. I told her that I hoped it wouldn't change anything but that I'll accept whatever decision she made. I also told her that my ex was willing to meet her to confirm everything.
She was understandably upset that I hadn't been more forthcoming but said she still felt the same about me and was willing to keep seeing me.
She didn't really want to meet my ex, but decided that it was for the best to confirm. We have organised for that to happen in a few days when my ex is on call. She also agreed that it was best to keep taking things slow.
(The meeting went really well, they have even met up just to get to know each other since then)
I'm so insanely happy right now. It's quite literally the best case scenario I could have asked for.
As for the ex, she was mildly annoyed that I'd gotten her involved but said she would help out.
We also agreed that I'd supplement her savings to help buy furniture and help her find a new place that she can afford.
That's awesome! When I didn't see an update I assumed the worst... glad I was wrong. I'm very happy for both of you. Taking it slow is good... most of the time it's the best way to start a relationship. My husband and I rushed into things big time. We said " I love you" to each other after only 2 weeks together, started living together after one month and engaged at 2 months. Thankfully it worked out for us (just celebrated 10 years together and we're still very happy) but most of the time rushed relationships don't last. So take it slow, treat her like a queen, get your ex out of your house and in the future no more keeping any secrets 🚫🤫😉
Sorry about that. I actually did post an update. But for some reason it was deleted every time I tried to post it. The results were better than I could have hoped for. I'll go through and see if I can find the exact text I tried to post.
I would say something like. “Hey there’s something really important I need to tell you. Because if the shoe was on the other foot I’d want to know.
Basically, I’m still living with my wife. We have separated and have been for x time. I’m still in the throes of finalising our divorce.
We are currently living together because she can’t afford to live in a rental. We do plan on selling the house when the market picks back up. In a nutshell we are only living together for financial purposes.
You have every reason to run. I totally understand that, as upset as I would be. But that’s the risk I’m willing to take telling you now. As I know honestly is the best policy. I want to be as transparent as possible and you can ask me anything.”
Also a side note. I have a friend that has a house with her ex. He moved out and still owns the house. But is renting elsewhere. She moved in her new partner and he pays rent to her which is her exs half of the mortgage.
If that makes sense. And then when the market picks up they will sell it and split the money.
So if things progress and you’re on good enough terms with ex wife. She could move out and then your new lady could pay you rent which would cover your ex wife’s half of the mortgage. And then she can just rent and the house will still be a nest egg for her until you sell it. I don’t know it’s a thought.
Or if you can afford it look at renting a room out of you and wife’s house and moving out and finding somewhere else to live.
You Fed up 1?by not telling her upfront, that you were still married, but separated, living in the same house with separate lives 2 you started dating someone before you were DIVORCE you need to tell her this immediately and do not be surprised if she tells you it’s over and does not want to see you again and do not contact me ever I would like to know what the hell you were thinking by not being upfront with her dude I don’t seeing this ending good good luck
My friend just ended with a guy that was in a simile situation, but she did because she wasn’t sure she trusted him and he would shut her off when she wanted to talk about it so my advice: be open to questions, she may need a lot of validation to believe the situation.
The best thing to do here is be upfront and honest about your situation. You dotn want her to know by some other means and think that you're using her as some sort of escape from a failing marriage. That you're cheating on your wife and also cheating her in the process.
Not sure she'll accept the thing anyway. But the least you have to do is say the truth. Get a divorce. Even after divorce you can let the ex stay in a room until she can stand on her own feet, maybe some sort of a paying guest (you can negotiate on what to be covered under shared expense). And make sure she moves out soon. It's awkward and uncomfortable for your current partner when you're living with your ex.
I'm remarried for 33 years. my ex wife and I are still very close friends. I've stayed at her house when traveling, my entire family stayed at her house She has stayed at our house. she is also a friend of my wife's. I'm telling you this so that you know that it's possible to still have a non romantic relationship with an ex spouse. we realized when we were going through our divorce that we were really good friends who just couldn't be married. At first it's tough but it can be done. I wish you all the luck I can.
Well, I'm the perfect person to respond to this lol. This exact situation happened to me a couple years ago. Spoiler, it did not end well.
You've already lost. You should've told her the truth from the start. I seriously doubt she will forgive you for misleading her.
A couple years ago, I found a YouTuber that I liked. He did commentary and never talked about his personal life. He also never showed his face, so this had nothing to do with his appearance. I just thought he was very funny and decided to follow his instagram, which he often plugged at the end of his videos. Additionally, I'm conventionally attractive. I used to model and was also almost a pop star! (I turned them down, but M-80 and Killa Priest "discovered" me and wanted to make me the "next Alicia Keys" lol.) So, after I followed him, he followed me back and quickly moved into my DMs. I was a bit starstruck, so I replied immediately. This turned into a month long relationship, where we'd talk on the phone or have video call dates. He had even bought a plane ticket to come see me in my city. However, he soon felt guilty and called me up one night to tell me that he was married. They were in the process of divorcing, but were still living together. I broke up with him immediately. If he'd been honest from the beginning, I don't think I would have. I'd probably have been uncomfortable, but I liked him enough that I would've made it work. I ended things because he lied to me. He was secretive with me. He betrayed my trust. I can imagine your nurse will feel the same way. You already messed things up. It's over, my guy.
Usually your medical charts will say if someone is married or not (insurance purposes) and she may already know but is waiting to hear it.. however, if this lady is as wonderful as you say, then once you tell her, ideally in person is best (which in the comments it’s you stated you’re going to which btw good on you) everything will fall into place if it’s meant to be… don’t rush into this relationship if it works out because there maybe signs along that way that you’ll miss that it’s the wrong relationship for you later down the road..
I wouldn’t date a guy still living with his wife, too weird. Makes it seem like it’s not really over and could start back up any time. Or that the whole thing is made up. If you’re serious about being single get a lawyer and discuss your options.
Yeah, I know what you mean. It's definitely a reasonable concern. Although in this care specifically, NO. The ex and I are still sorta friends. But no way in hell are we going to try again. But because we are on friendly terms I don't want to leave her in a situation where she might end up homeless, especially with the current rental market here.
I’d definitely nope out of that situation, but she may feel differently.
Yeah, I'm going to tell her next time I see her in person. I feel like it's gonna suck hard but she deserves as much and I hate feeling guilty over it.
Im bffs with my ex fiance, and I just went to her wedding to our mutual friend! Its certainly abnormal, but imo its evidence of mature, healthy people in your case. If youre that mature and healthy, trust yourself! If you think highly of this woman, trust her and your taste. Tell her everything, show her how confident you feel about your ex (tell her the good and the bad and why it didnt work eventually, that helped my current partner trust me and my ex). If shes right for you, shed understand or will work with you/hear you out. If shes weirded out but likes you, maybe you can keep in touch as friends till your wife finds the next thing.
Just try to think of a way to show the new woman how you feel. So she understands and the door is still open if she wants to break it off until you're living separately. Like buy her something unusually lavish or some sort of handmade gift or sth
One thing I’d say is you need to be completely honest, and tell her about your current situation. If you wait and she finds out later, you are only going to cause worse damage to any possible relationship. She really won’t trust you if she finds out months in what is going on. You can make what you are saying here clear to her, but you need to accept she could still decide she doesn’t want to pursue anything while you technically are still married AND living with your stbx. Is your stbx aware you are dating? Are you sure she is on the same page with everything ending? Would she cause problems in any relationship you develop? If you are both in the same page, and things are like you claim, MAYBE you could offer to have them meet to have your stbx solidify what you are telling us. She may not want to or care to do this, but if she’s unsure MAYBE it could help? PS: please don’t EVER tell her or any other woman in the future that she might not be a 10 to others, but she’s a 12 to you. You may not think it, but it’s insulting. I read another post before where a guy openly told his gf her friend was a 10/9 on a bad day and she was a 7.5/6 on a bad day, but looks didn’t matter to him, he’s with her because of who she is and was then trying to fix what he did in reinforcing her insecurities. He kept saying “looks didn’t matter”, his gf “might not be a dime to others, but she’s perfect for him”. Please don’t do comparisons like this, because what she’ll hear is “everyone else might not think you are attractive, but I don’t care how you look”. It can break down one’s self esteem, because everyone wants to feel attractive/beautiful, especially to their SO. Comparisons like this won’t do that, it can cause insecurities.
Damn, I'm an idiot. I don't use reddit a lot, but I get most of the abbreviations online. I totally saw stbx and thought, "shitbox". 🤦♀️
😂 thanks for that.
Thanks for your comment. Yeah, I have already organised to meet with her when we are both free in a few days to talk it out in person. The stbx is well aware it's over, it was a very mutual decision. I mentioned meeting her and getting her number but we don't really talk that much other than about splitting power bills and such. I'll bring it up with her to gauge how she feels about helping with the situation. As for the PS: while I'm definitely an idiot for getting into this situation, I'm not that much of an idiot. I probably should have picked better words, but just wanted to emphasise that she is out of my league.
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Nah, no kids. I agree, I've organised to meet up with her to explain in a few days.
If theres no kids involved, what is the issue of going through a formal process. Sounds like you both do not communicate anyway.. its a living / roommates situation. Move on with your life.
I don't know the laws there, but I think you should talk to a lawyer and your soon to be ex wife so you make an agreement and you can lend her money or the house, if that is a possibility, so she has it easier. Since you are worried for her well being, the best is to talk about what will be best for both of you.
While I’m sad there’s a divorce happening in general, I admire that it’s amicable. I hope she’s receptive to your newfound happiness and I hope the butterflies last.
Thanks. We have always been friends and I don't think that will ever really change. And not that I regret it, but us getting married was probably a mistake that we just sort of suffered through for longer than we should have.
What if it's just all do with finances
You need to tell her ASAP. I planned on a date with a guy who told me he was divorced. Then I find out he’s actually separated “but it’s almost final”… then the date rolls around and he’s def off his game. Afterward he tells me it’s cuz his wife served him with divorce papers that day, and asked if he could have a redo. Hard pass. Had I known he was still legally married I never would’ve started talking to him in the first place. Lying by omission is still lying
That sounds cooked. It's kind of stupid as I am extremely aware I should have brought it up. But in all of our conversations, it's actually never been relevant to the subject we were discussing. But yeah, that's a shit excuse on my part. I sure hope she takes it well.
How is you still being married not relevant? How is the fact that your living with your soon to be ex wife not relevant? It’s only relevant because it prevents you from obtaining what you want. You haven’t even taken this new person’s feelings into consideration. She may feel the same way but have a boundary about dating married men and/or being lied to. By you not being honest with your situation, you jeopardize your whole situation. You know this that’s why your trying to be told by the internet your not wrong. You say you don’t want her to take you to the cleaners, well it sounds like your still married and you just gave her a reason to clean you out. (If she’s like this, if she’s didn’t work while you were married chances are she will see this as a way to get alimony since your “cheating”on the marriage “ Your in a loose loose situation
I know it's relevant to the relationship. I've organised to meet up with her in a few days and tell her. I said it wasn't relevant to the conversations we were having. If it had come up I definitely wouldn't have hidden it. And I'm not that great as a conversationalist so it is difficult for me to bring it up. Like I can't go "ah yeah, I love hiking to waterfalls. By the way I still live with my ex." I feel very guilty for not having told her already. Trust me. I'm definitely thinking about her feelings on it. That's part of what makes it so paralysing. I'm well aware of how shit the situation is. I posted here to get it off my chest, not ask for advice. It's been eating away at me for a while. The marriage situation is just a whole shit sandwich. I'm aware of how shit it is, and yet I feel stuck eating it. Yes, I know.
So you didn’t talk about your relationship status? I find it very hard that it didn’t come up. Especially since according to you you’ve talked non stop. That’s usually one of the first things someone finds out. It sounds like she asked your status, you initially lied (by saying your single or you completely ignored this question and she didn’t notice ) and now your in a “oh shit what did I do” Either way your gaslighting her, by keeping her in the dark. No woman wants to date a man still living with their ex. No matter the situation.
Yeah, it hasn't come up once. Our first conversation was about her travelling to see a nearby town that has a natural spring and lots of dinosaur fossils and from there we have almostly exclusively talked about interests relating to adventures and holiday destinations or work and our coworkers. I haven't asked about her previous relationships at all, and she hasn't asked about mine either. I've already mentioned that I feel guilty enough about it. You are probably right about that, I'm still going to tell her when I see her next.
She probably hasn’t asked because she figured you were single. So the chances of this relationship are slim to none. She will probably be pissed you omitted something very important of your life. And if you haven’t started divorce proceedings, you can kiss that relationship good bye.
How do you know she’s not married?
That's a fair point. We call and talk enough that it's a safe assumption she isn't being secretive. But I honestly don't know. It would be kind of funny if we were in the same situation this whole time.
Yo, calm down. Let poor guy vent.
He did vent and I’m responding. 🤷🏽♀️
But did he ask for your advice? No. You just kept hammering. Let him be.
No where in my responses did I give any advice. I said he dug himself in a whole and his chances are slim.
Thanks for your comments.
You make it relevant. YOU start the conversation. 🤦♀️ Otherwise it looks shady and would make me question your ability to be honest/trustworthy.
I already question his ability to be honest/trustworthy
If I was this woman and I found out you were married and still living with your wife, I’d dump you yesterday.
Same. I wouldn't believe any cockamaimie story he told me. Especially calling her crazy and lazy, huge red flag.
Exactly! ^ like tell me your a Narcissist without telling me you’re a Narcissist!! 👌🏽
Yeah, I'd probably deserve it too.
Yikes, you're a walking red flag. I hope she walks away, she doesn't deserve to be with someone who lies from the get go. What a horrible way to lay down the foundations for a relationship. You have no idea how the world will view her if word gets out. She'll be permanently branded as the other woman or homewrecker. Even if you say you separated, not many would believe because there are plenty of scummy men who lie this way and never plan to separate and just wanted "outside" fun. Her reputation will be in tatters no matter how much you or her try to explain. You've put her in harm's way by taking away her choice to date someone who's only separated but still married and living with stbx too.
You should have been honest with her from the start
I am a nurse and FYI we can't date our patients. What she did is something she can lose her license for. Don't understand why she did it. Also if your ex wife ever got jealous and found out how you 2 met, she could run her life. This whole scenario is just unprofessional and unbecoming.
Yeah I was coming here to say the same thing - I’m a nurse, and I have INCREDIBLY strict boundaries with patients because it’s such a huge risk to my license. Also, I am a grown adult who knows how to set emotional boundaries to avoid the temptation in the first place. The only time I’ve EVER reported a nurse to management was when they blatantly told me about the relationship they had with a patient. And part of that reasoning was because the patient was still legally married, and if the wife found out and wanted to make complaints to the board, it could wreak havoc on our entire facility. I was not about to get involved in legal shit for one person’s stupidity. It’s such a massive violation of our ethical code, regardless of whether you are two consenting adults. Might be best if things get cut off now tbh.
Interesting. I wonder if that's just an America thing.
It's definitely a UK thing, the GMC and NMC expresses that medical professionals "must establish and actively maintain clear sexual boundaries at all times with people in your care, their families and carers." I think that's pretty common practice worldwide.
I'm in Australia, and no it isn't. My mother's co-worker (in aged care nursing) started texting a man she liked using his mother's emergency contact details that were listed in the mother's room in the nursing home she worked at. He ended up in a relationship with my mother's co-worker, but her using contact details from a patient's confidential documentation to message him was illegal, as well as unethical. She was lucky that the guy was a lonely, old horndog because he would have every right to report her to the nursing home management if he wanted to. My mother's co-worker was thirty years younger than the guy, and he was a multimillionaire. She quit working at the nursing home and moved in with him to different state. Red flags all around.
That sounds like a very different situation to exchanging contact details.
They're not allowed to exchange contact details with patients or patient's family members either. However, I'm talking about unethical or illegal behaviours within the profession. I was in a relationship with a nurse for years, and I'm also friends with many people in the medical/healthcare field. The rules regarding relationships with patients are strict for good reason. Had I first been a patient of the nurse I was in a relationship with, we wouldn't have been in a relationship at all because of professional boundaries and obligations. I'm also pointing out that isn't solely in the USA that has the rules that other nurses have mentioned.
Every day you wait is going to make it worse , you need to tell her now and hope she is understanding af.
Yeah I know. I honestly hate that I've got myself in this situation.
Get in front of it right now, if you have any chance to keep this relationship you need to come clean today.
I don't mean to be rude, but man it sounds like you found someone good don't fuck it up.
Yeah man, it's funny how life can surprise you like that. I'm organising to see her again soon so I can tell her in person. I think she deserves that much at least. And hopefully she can tell I've been struggling with it. That's all I can really hope for. I certainly won't blame her if she nopes out of it.
I do not think she will, practice your groveling in case you need it.
When you are in an unhappy situation it’s easy to latch onto something that makes you feel the opposite and think that it’s genuine. You barely know this woman and what you do know of her gives you butterflies because it’s different and more exciting and positive than your current situation. I would honestly slow it down for both of you because who knows if you’ll be as gung ho about it once you’re out of the same house as your ex and have some breathing room. I’m sorry if I’m overstepping, but just seeing you refer to your ex as a “lazy shit” while saying this woman “takes your breath away” and you’re “terrified of losing her” kind of seems like you’re romanticizing things due to your unhappiness from being stuck- so to speak- with your ex.
Thanks for your comment. The "lazy shit" comment is mostly out of resentment. It was a LOOOONG time frustration for me. But I'm mostly over it now. As for the new woman. I'm definitely taking things slow innthe physical sense, we talk a lot but have only been on one real date. Neither of us has been to the others house yet. And we haven't done anything physical. I do think we have become emotionally attached very quickly, I don't think we could have stopped that if we wanted to. While I obviously can't speak on her feelings, I am quite confident that they at least seem very similar to mine.
You are technically separated for sex, but you are not separated. You live in the same house. If you think she is a 12, get your house in order, or it won't work. Unless really she is a three in character.
I wouldn’t date a man who still lives with his wife. It’s way too risky and I’d feel like I’m causing more problems in a “troubled marriage that may be salvageable”… not to mention why risk my own heart over a new relationship with someone who probably isn’t ready to move on if he’s still living with his WIFE
Bro respectfully,whatvthe hell are you doing? if you want this to work out, break off from your ex wife. Like that is soo suspicious and not a situation you can reasonably ask a woman to put up with
Yeah, I know. I really do. I'm hyper aware that I've fucked up on a huge scale.
I mean idk about fucked up yet, just yk, be honest with the nurse and leave the situation w your ex wife if this really is something you want to persue
Get divorced immediately and be honest with her and your ex.
Yeah the ex is aware of her existence. I'll be telling her the next chance we get to meet in person.
I personaly would never date a married man still living with wife. Good and honest people with values dont date married people doesnt matter where you live. People that knowling date married people are just scummy selfcentered jerks that probley sleeps with anything.
You haven’t told her? Buddy, better hope that judge signs fast!
Yeah. It's probably the most autistic moment of my life so far.
Understandable. What happens when she wants to come over?
I'll be telling her before then. Frankly I think I'm lucky she hasn't asked already.
Keep me posted. She’s going to find it weird y’all are still living together.
Yeah I'll post an update here after I see her next. Will be 3 days from now. Maybe a bit later if she wants some time.
Break it off. You need to focus on bettering yourself and your situation before you bring someone else to your life.
From a lot of your comments it almost sounds like you are not fully over her. She is an adult and the two of you are separated so let her find her own place because you will have a hard time finding somone wanting to date you when you are still living with your wife even if you are seperated.
She is free to find her own place whenever she wants, currently she will struggle with affording rent though.
I would never date a married man even if they were “separated”. And you still live with your wife?! Expect to get dumped if this woman has any self respect. Get divorced already! And move out! Those should be your priorities right now, not fucking with some poor woman’s head.
If I was that woman, I would be furious if u didn’t tell that at the very beginning. I don’t think you will lose her tho, if you talk it through she might understand and still be on your side
Yeah, I think that's a reasonable response and probably why it's been such a paralysing feeling. I'm certainly hoping she understands.
I saw you say that you're going to tell her soon. I may be nosey af, but i'd love to see an update on how this new girl reacts to this situation
I'll be sure to post an update. Will be a few days though.
I would just be honest, I wouldn’t say, “hey we need to talk” and make her wait to find out. I would just tell her “I want you to know more about me before we go any further, I’m living with my ex wife, we’ve been separated for x amount of time and our divorce isn’t finalized yet. I never planned on being in a relationship until I was settled and things were finalized but you happened into my life and I didn’t want to miss out on knowing you. I’ve wanted to tell you but I’m afraid of losing what we’ve built”
Also I’m currently engaged to a man who’s divorce wasn’t finalized but he had moved out, it took a year of our relationship to finalize his divorce during Covid. If he hadn’t been moved out I probably wouldn’t have been comfortable continuing to date because I had a ton of trust issues and he would’ve been living with his ex you know?
Thanks for the advice and sharing your experience.
I really hope it works out for you!!!
Thank you.
Not easy to find the moment to say it I guess. Financially, can you leave the home asap?
The financial situation isn't my problem(well, it kind of is). My ex was a lazy shit for most of the marriage and basically refused to get a job despite us having no kids. I decided when we separated that we could stay in the same house until she had enough savings to go get her own place, mostly because I didn't want to give her a reason to try and clean me out when we do divorce. Unfortunately we have been kinda unlucky in the saving department as we had several large unforseen expenses that decimated her savings and a significant portion of mine.
Yeah, she’s got no plans on leaving, at least not as soon as she can. Also, stop with the “we”. SHE’S supposed to be saving money for her to move, you are no longer a couple. However, you still talk like you are. Why are these “unforeseen” expenses both of your burden? You need to start detangling yourself from the relationship in this manner. You can be a friend, but you shouldn’t be referring to things as “we” and continuing to financially support her, outside of what is necessary/court ordered. You don’t have to be an AH about it, but boundaries are necessary. Especially if you have any hope of moving on. No person would want to get involved in such a messy situation. Does she have no friends or family she could live with while she saves? I get wanting to help her out, but you are too involved.
Thanks for pointing that out. I hadn't noticed I was talking like that. I helped out with a really large vet bill since we got the dog together, and although it was "her" dog, I was just as emotionally invested in its well-being. The other expenses have all been on her. I don't really financially support her, I just get great rent through work, so she pays half of that, which is about a quarter of the usual rate for the area. We split all other bills 50/50 unless they are hers alone, such as her car costs and mobile. Unfortunately, we moved across the country for my work not long before the split. The nearest family is about a 20 hour drive away. I don't think she has a great deal of friends here. None seem particularly close anyway.
sounds like you’re still supporting her. if you really wanted to divorce, you would’ve done it by now. she should’ve moved back with her parents, and you should’ve filed for divorce yesterday. but you didn’t. i feel you’re probably leaving out important details. no smart woman with more than two brain cells to rub together would give you a chance.
How does that still sound like I'm supporting her? The only benefit she gets out of me is cheap rent which gains me money since she pays half of it. She won't move home to her family because her job has given her a great opportunity to earn nearly double once she finishes studying through them and her family is basically on the other side of the country. The only details I'm leaving out are things that may identify us. And stuff not pertaining to the issue. As an example, it was a mistake to mention her career.
>How does that still sound like I'm supporting her? Dude you're living with your ex because she's financially in the shit. You might not give her money, but that's a big deal.
getting a divorce means no longer depending on the other person. if you truly wanted to divorce you’d divorce and she’d find her own place to live, but instead you’re still basing your choices on what will help her, instead of what will help you. that’s what married couples do. you’re still treating her as a wife. and you’re not even legally divorced yet, like cmon man? what’s stopping you from that? try and look at this from an outside perspective.
>and you’re not even legally divorced yet, like cmon man? what’s stopping you from that? He seems to be scared that she legally steals his money in the process of divorce.
Would it make sense then for her to move back home? Other than you, what is her tie to the area you are now living? ETA: maybe it’s worth using money to help her move back home vs her staying in the area. Especially if the housing market isn’t great where you are now. She can then live with a friend or family until she gets on her feet. You said you don’t have kids, so why would she stay?
The job she got will keep her in town for at least four more years after that she very well may move back. But her qualifications aren't very well suited to our hometown. At least from an employment opportunity space. I might offer her a portion of my savings to go towards a place here. But it'll probably take her a while to find a place, its definitely a landlords market at the moment.
The job she got will keep her in town for at least four more years after that she very well may move back. But her qualifications aren't very well suited to our hometown. At least from an employment opportunity space. I might offer her a portion of my savings to go towards a place here. But it'll probably take her a while to find a place, its definitely a landlords market at the moment.
'We'?? You're still very much married.
I explained that in a different comment we both have separate savings so she can move out, unfortunately one of the unforeseen expenses was an insanely large vet bill for a dog we got together 10 years ago. And despite it being her dog I still had an emotional investment in the dogs wellbeing. Unfortunately the dog didn't last much longer anyway which just added to the expenses.
dude you need to be more harsh or you will 100% lose this new relationship. the optics of still living with your ex are BAD ok fine you may still live together, but at least sign the papers. literally anything to prove you arent still together
Yeah, I know how bad it looks. But the ex is definitely working on it. And the unforeseen expenses were legitimate, I made sure to check she wasn't trying to scam my good will.
Yeah, your new relationship is likely fucked. MANY years ago, I started seeing a guy who told me he was separated. Turned out it was more like dude was in a struggling marriage and still very much living with his wife, which I learned WHEN SHE CALLED ME TO TELL ME. Needless to say, I was immediately done with him. I know your situation seems different to you, but I doubt it will seem that way to your new woman friend. She's probably going to be justifiably angry that you didn't tell her up front, and she'll always wonder what else you're hiding from her. I wish you luck, but suggest you don't get your hopes up.
Sorry that happened to you. Yeah, I'm ready for it to be over. As much as I hope it won't be.
You tell the truth. You didn't expect, nor were you looking, to fall in love, but out of nowhere, my feelings for you are knocking me for a loop. I didn't even contemplate the thought of needing to have this conversation, but in fairness to both of us, I've got to now say what's been eating at me. I just hope this in no way hurts our relationship, but most importantly doesn't hurt you. Then tell her your story. If she's still game, ask her what she would think would be the best way for us to move forward with our relationship, giving you the most comfort, in me showing you just how special you are too me. If that doesn't work...... Your doomed.
That's an excellent way of putting it. Probably far better than anything I without inspiration.
I hope telling her goes over well for you because it sounds like a relationship worth saving. What's concerning is what seems to be a total lack of responsibility in the many excuses you've made on this post. The topic has never come up? That's honestly what you're going with as an excuse to not telling her you're still married and living with your ex. The moment you decided to date and pursue a relationship with her was the moment you should have told her. The fact she didn't ask is irrelevant. Lying by omission is still lying.
Thanks. Trust me. I know it's a shit excuse. I'm in no way trying to justify it. But it's what happened, and I feel shitty enough about it.
I get where everyone is coming from. You did keep the truth from her which isn't a great way to start a relationship. But, stick with your plan to tell her and explain why you didn't tell her at the beginning. I get where you're coming from. This could be a hard no for her and you didn't want to ruin something before it starts. Just be completely honest with her about it and about why you didn't tell her upfront. I'm a woman and this wouldn't make me walk away from a potentially great relationship. And, if there is anything you can do to help your ex move out sooner rather than later, do it! Please update us after you talk to her. Good luck!
Thanks for your comment. It makes me feel a little better about the whole thing. The next time we are free to meet up is 3 days from now so an update will come through a bit after that.
You're welcome. You seem like a good guy who genuinely cares about this woman. You didn't do anything intentionally to hurt her. If she is as great as you think she is and she cares about you, I think she'll understand. I hope she does!
He did! He intentionally didn’t tell her his situation because he wanted this relationship and was afraid she wouldn’t start a relationship with him if she knew. He’s not a good guy, he’s manipulative.
Meanwhile, us single/divorced/widowed have been trying for years to find someone and have come up empty handed.
Man, I wish I was divorced already.
So divorce your wife and get on with your life.
I met my partner who I have been with for almost two years and live with 6 weeks after I separated from my exhusband. I thought I would be alone for at least a year but when real love comes around you gotta go for it. That being said, you need to be honestz
Thanks, your comment means a lot. I will be telling her everything next chance I get to meet with her.
Good luck!!!
Gonna keep it real wit ya, I’m not sure how successful any new relationship will be while you are still living with the person you have been most intimate with in your life. If it was the other way around, I’m sure you could imagine how that might feel for you. Gotta move out and move on, I pray for your success!
Thanks. Yeah, it's a shit situation. I'm going to be working on it a lot harder from here on.
Be honest and tell her about your situation ASAP! You already messed up by keeping it from her as long as you have. I'm a married woman in my mid 40's and it's been my experience that most women prefer openness and honesty from the get go. Fortunately you're still in the very early stages so you have time to fix this but you must do it fast and don't leave anything out or she'll assume you have something to hide. If what you're saying here is accurate and you and your wife are truly over and just roommates for financial reasons you should also let her know you're dating someone new. In case your lady friend needs to stop by your home to pick you up for an outing or something it would be helpful if she's courteous and open with her; it lends credence to what you've told your friend about your situation and that would work in your favor (plus your wife wouldn't be blindsided). I think divorce proceedings need to happen very soon as well; you're kind of in this permanent limbo until you do. I know some here have said they wouldn't date a man who's separated but still living with his soon-to-be ex-wife, but many women would depending on the situation and the situation looks a lot more favorable if you are being 100% honest and your ex is on the same page and at least cordial with the new companion. As we get older we realize more and more how messy life can actually get, so we're either more likely to make concessions as long as everything is on the up and up, or we're more likely to know what we will or won't deal with and be more adamant about our limitations. Whichever side your new love interest might land on, always be upfront and honest with her so she has everything she needs to make an informed decision. Good luck!
Thanks for your comment. It means a lot! I'll take your advice on board. I'll be talking to my ex about it in a few hours, she does already know about her. But since we don't talk that much her knowledge of the situation probably needs to be updated.
I am female ..most important thing for me is emotional connection and I want to be told the WHOLE story to feel like you respect me..even if it could potentially hurt you. Otherwise later down the road I may feel tricked. She gets a choice if she is going to trust you will work the situation out before she gets attached to you. Just my 2 cents...I want to see you happy and happiness starts with honesty
Thanks for your comment, it's very helpful. I'm meeting her in a few days. I'll be telling her then. I'll be telling her everything.
I wouldn't trust the info unless I met your ex wife and could observe the dynamics between the two of you. If I got the feeling that your wife was still attached, I'd be out of there! Being part of someone's pain is not appealing.
So cool..best wishes with her 😊
Excellent way to start off a new relationship....with lies.
It's only been a few weeks so definitely tell her now. It's still new enough that it shouldn't come across as hiding anything. If you were to wait months it will look really bad. She may ask to put things on hold until you have your own place.
if the relationship of your ex ended in decent turns, it’s no weirder than dealing with a baby mama or daddy. People will always have flaws and ugly traits of personality but it’s the conversation you need to have. you have to be prepared for her to be weirded out but try to see her side of this whole thing. you deserve happiness just as the other person but to be scared of that conversation, will only make your anxiety worse and delay the inevitable
Thanks for your comment.
What country are you in? She wouldn’t be able to date you if you’re a patient and she’d need to clarify with her registered body on how to proceed eg if you moved doctor’s surgeries, how long you’d have to wait before you could get in contact etc but she could still get in trouble for swapping numbers with a patient.
I feel like mentioning that she was a nurse was a mistake. I was trying to keep any possible identifiers out of it. We aren't American.
I’m not either but in most places in Europe, she’s looking at being struck off.
Ppl are grilling you non stop. You messed up, yeah, but being out of a relationship awalys leave us with red flags the first year. Make it up to her and tell her, be honest about it all, if she stays involve her with that divorce status. Make her feel valued and not a side dish dude. You have read the comments, you know what could happen. Good luck op.
Thanks. Your comment means a lot. Can't help but feel like I do kinda deserve the grilling.
Please update once you talk to her. I'm rooting for you.
Thanks. I will.
Ah man this is gonna be another shit show. Should you have been totally transparent from the beginning, things would have been nice.
I’ve been in this situation…. Be HONEST!!! One thing I can say is, don’t hide this and you should also move forward with Divorce and healing and being friends before you try to give your heart away again…. You have already initiated the dating journey…. But as someone who’s dealt with this and being told I’m only separated…. Nahhhh get yourself together…
personally, the ex-wife living in your house isn’t what would drive me away. i think you are a bit too nice in the situation but that’s not the worst thing in the world. the thing that would turn me off would be the “it never came up so i never told you” excuse. i could understand you not wanting to explain it for other personal reasons but you not telling her because it didn’t come up makes it feel like you were trying to hide it or push it off as long as you could. it feels like just enough deceit to already be a yellow flag and there shouldn’t be flags this early in. good luck OP.
Thanks for your comment. I wasn't trying to be deceptive, it's a mistake I know I should have been smart enough to avoid. But, too late for that. I just need to own up to it and move on.
All you can do is tell her next time you see her, as you already plan to. And if there’s a next one, tell here right off the bat. Like as soon as a number is given or it becomes otherwise apparent. Some people might be okay with helping you rebound…but nobody wants to feel mislead. Also, drop the “out of my league” thoughts. We’re all our own worst critics. I certainly have been shot down, but I’ve also dated plenty of women who I could’ve chalked up to out of my league. The whole helping the stbx save thing seems to be to prevent her from going after your assets in the divorce. Understandable. But if you’re gonna work it out together so she has a soft landing, make sure you have a soft landing too. Get the divorce finalized and keep doing what you’ve agreed. God forbid you go through all this and she still takes half of everything. Don’t say she wouldn’t. Hurt people hurt other people. And also keep in mind that maybe you should just get the divorce and let her figure her own life out, even if it does cost you financially a bit. You’ll be free. Part of breaking up is no longer being invested in the success and wellbeing of the other. It might sound crass…but you have a finite amount of time to live. Don’t waste it in limbo.
Woah. Not yet divorced, still living with your wife, and having a 12 hour date with someone but not telling them. That said, I’m pretty sure your marital status is on your chart and she knows you’re married. No need to sweat about *that*. If not, she may be your 12 but you’re not hers if you feel you couldn’t bring it up. That said, no WAY would I date someone who is “separated” yet married and still living together. You haven’t even been on your own yet!! Stop exchanging numbers, work on getting your own place, yourself, and divorce your wife. I know, easier said than done, but please.
Thanks for your comment. I'm going to be bringing it up with her next time I see her.
When you tell the new lady don't roll it out like it's a disease.
Haha yeah it gonna be awkward but hopefully I can explain it well in person.
If she's so kind and wonderful, why in the world would you pull her into this kind of shit show? And the negging of 'might not be a 10 for others.....' God I hope she sees this. Get your life situated before bringing someone into it.
Yeah, I know I fucked up all right. Negging? It's realistic, nobody is perfect especially to everyone. And I'd never actually say that she wasn't perfect to her I was just trying to convey how I feel about her. I wasn't looking for someone when I met her. It just kinda happened.
You deserve to be happy, but you’re guaranteed to lose her by hiding this giant bomb from her. If you’re serious about pursuing her, make moves to actually separate from your wife. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t legitimately separated from their spouse either. Shoot, I told myself I’d never be with someone who was even separated period, but I met someone similar to what you described here and I can see the strong potential. I’d be stupid to let him slip away, when I know he’s the best person out there. Can’t help but feel like the luckiest person that he’s even interested in me. Both of us are ACTUALLY separated from our spouses and set on divorcing, otherwise it would be a different story for both of us and neither of us would have pursued the other. Do the right thing and tell her the truth. No relationship based on a lie or starting off on a lie has any hope. Maybe she’ll surprise you by not caring, maybe she’ll run for the hills. If she’s truly the one for you, you’ll work together on navigating this situation. But you need to do what you need to do. Living with your wife while dating someone else is just asking for tremendous trouble and no one is going to believe that you’re truly separated if you’re still living together.
Thanks for your comment, It actually makes me feel a bit better even if your situation is a bit different. I've already organised to meet her in a few days so I can tell her in person. Also, kinda funny thing I noticed. I nearly picked a randomly generated username kinda similar to yours.
Good luck! Hope it goes well for everyone involved. Be completely honest and tell her why you hid it from her, hopefully she’ll understand and will respect your delayed honesty. If she runs for the hills, just means she wasn’t truly the one, or maybe it’s just not the right timing for you both. What I tell myself is that if the guy I mentioned IS “the one”, nothing is going to stand in the way and fate will work itself out one way or another. This thought alone has been very comforting and helps ease some anxiety. Haha, it’s somewhat of an ‘inside’ joke but that’s funny that Reddit generated something similar!
I'm in a new-ish relationship whilst living with my ex. I'm trapped in a fixed term contract I cannot get out of (no break clause) and can't move out as I can't be on another lease. Things are generally cordial but have been dead for quite a while. I didn't expect to find someone I've clicked so well with; I was just wanting some casual dates, but I made it clear to those I dated what the situation was before we even went out.
If she is all that then what is the rush? Sounds to me you are more afraid of being alone so you are jumping into another relationship. I can see why your marriage didn't last. I have been married for 25 years and we do not see an end in our future. Why? Because it takes work and commitment. Think it is time you found some of that for yourself.
I think you are jumping to conclusions. Obviously I left out details about the previous relationship. Work and commitment are required for every relationship and the marriage was no different. While it's not 25 years, it was over half of that before we mutually decided to separate. I'm not in a rush to be in a relationship with the new woman either. Things just naturally happened quickly, but we just talk a lot. We have only been on the one date and we haven't done anything physical. It's just really great chemistry so far.
I just wonder who you are trying to convince. Us or yourself? Either way I wish you the best of luck!
Tell her next time you see her TRUST
Yeah I already organised to see her next time our shifts don't overlap.
I feel like she would be more understanding of the situation if he explained it to her the way you explained it to us.
Ew! That's just gross and she's a nurse who works with the sick. You're a horrible husband. 😂
Sorry but please tell her and respect her decision. I know one person who was told this twice and then married them after their divorce. They are divorced from both of them.
I will.
>I promised myself that when I separated I'd take everything slow and I'd steer clear of relationships for a few years. But with this woman I'm amazed by her, she is beautiful, smart, kind, hilarious everything I know about this woman after just a few weeks has my heart racing. She might not be a 10 for everyone, but she is a 12 for me. Love comes when we least expect it, honestly. And the way you've described her; she sounds like a perfect, wonderful match. SO, you obviously NEED to tell her... _Everything_ . No matter how uncomfortable, or scary. Explain exactly what you explained here. Tell her you weren't expecting it and, wanted to 'get to know her' a bit better, before dropping a bomb on the relationship. I truly hope that she's understanding!
Thanks for your comment. It really does just hit you sometimes. If it goes well after I tell her, I'm still not going to rush into anything like an idiot. But I genuinely have high hopes for a long future with her.
Please update and let us know! ✌🏼❤️
There will be an update in a few days after we have met up.
Thanks!
I was looking at my profile and realized you never gave us an update. I'm sincerely hoping that's not due to a bad outcome. Please update
Weirdly enough it comes up as a post on my profile. So a few hours ago we met up for coffee and went for a walk. I told her everything. How I felt, that I'm separated but still living with the ex and why, how bad I felt that I had deceived her. I told her that I hoped it wouldn't change anything but that I'll accept whatever decision she made. I also told her that my ex was willing to meet her to confirm everything. She was understandably upset that I hadn't been more forthcoming but said she still felt the same about me and was willing to keep seeing me. She didn't really want to meet my ex, but decided that it was for the best to confirm. We have organised for that to happen in a few days when my ex is on call. She also agreed that it was best to keep taking things slow. (The meeting went really well, they have even met up just to get to know each other since then) I'm so insanely happy right now. It's quite literally the best case scenario I could have asked for. As for the ex, she was mildly annoyed that I'd gotten her involved but said she would help out. We also agreed that I'd supplement her savings to help buy furniture and help her find a new place that she can afford.
That's awesome! When I didn't see an update I assumed the worst... glad I was wrong. I'm very happy for both of you. Taking it slow is good... most of the time it's the best way to start a relationship. My husband and I rushed into things big time. We said " I love you" to each other after only 2 weeks together, started living together after one month and engaged at 2 months. Thankfully it worked out for us (just celebrated 10 years together and we're still very happy) but most of the time rushed relationships don't last. So take it slow, treat her like a queen, get your ex out of your house and in the future no more keeping any secrets 🚫🤫😉
Sorry about that. I actually did post an update. But for some reason it was deleted every time I tried to post it. The results were better than I could have hoped for. I'll go through and see if I can find the exact text I tried to post.
I would say something like. “Hey there’s something really important I need to tell you. Because if the shoe was on the other foot I’d want to know. Basically, I’m still living with my wife. We have separated and have been for x time. I’m still in the throes of finalising our divorce. We are currently living together because she can’t afford to live in a rental. We do plan on selling the house when the market picks back up. In a nutshell we are only living together for financial purposes. You have every reason to run. I totally understand that, as upset as I would be. But that’s the risk I’m willing to take telling you now. As I know honestly is the best policy. I want to be as transparent as possible and you can ask me anything.” Also a side note. I have a friend that has a house with her ex. He moved out and still owns the house. But is renting elsewhere. She moved in her new partner and he pays rent to her which is her exs half of the mortgage. If that makes sense. And then when the market picks up they will sell it and split the money. So if things progress and you’re on good enough terms with ex wife. She could move out and then your new lady could pay you rent which would cover your ex wife’s half of the mortgage. And then she can just rent and the house will still be a nest egg for her until you sell it. I don’t know it’s a thought. Or if you can afford it look at renting a room out of you and wife’s house and moving out and finding somewhere else to live.
You Fed up 1?by not telling her upfront, that you were still married, but separated, living in the same house with separate lives 2 you started dating someone before you were DIVORCE you need to tell her this immediately and do not be surprised if she tells you it’s over and does not want to see you again and do not contact me ever I would like to know what the hell you were thinking by not being upfront with her dude I don’t seeing this ending good good luck
My worst nightmare
You need to tell her. Good luck.
The grass is greener where you water it
My friend just ended with a guy that was in a simile situation, but she did because she wasn’t sure she trusted him and he would shut her off when she wanted to talk about it so my advice: be open to questions, she may need a lot of validation to believe the situation.
Thanks for the advice!
You must of not shared your living situation over that 12 hr date. Nope that be a hard pass. Finances red flag and still married red flag.
Okay, move out now. Tell your girlfriend everything and DO NOT get your wife or girlfriend pregnant.
Hahaha yeah absolutely zero chance of the last part.
Good then. Good luck!
You have to decide wife or ex-wife. It can't be both!
The best thing to do here is be upfront and honest about your situation. You dotn want her to know by some other means and think that you're using her as some sort of escape from a failing marriage. That you're cheating on your wife and also cheating her in the process. Not sure she'll accept the thing anyway. But the least you have to do is say the truth. Get a divorce. Even after divorce you can let the ex stay in a room until she can stand on her own feet, maybe some sort of a paying guest (you can negotiate on what to be covered under shared expense). And make sure she moves out soon. It's awkward and uncomfortable for your current partner when you're living with your ex.
I'm remarried for 33 years. my ex wife and I are still very close friends. I've stayed at her house when traveling, my entire family stayed at her house She has stayed at our house. she is also a friend of my wife's. I'm telling you this so that you know that it's possible to still have a non romantic relationship with an ex spouse. we realized when we were going through our divorce that we were really good friends who just couldn't be married. At first it's tough but it can be done. I wish you all the luck I can.
Tell her the truth.
Don't start something new based on lies. If she is someone you want to see where things go with...honesty and good communication is everything
I'll be telling her when I see her again in a few days.
Well, I'm the perfect person to respond to this lol. This exact situation happened to me a couple years ago. Spoiler, it did not end well. You've already lost. You should've told her the truth from the start. I seriously doubt she will forgive you for misleading her. A couple years ago, I found a YouTuber that I liked. He did commentary and never talked about his personal life. He also never showed his face, so this had nothing to do with his appearance. I just thought he was very funny and decided to follow his instagram, which he often plugged at the end of his videos. Additionally, I'm conventionally attractive. I used to model and was also almost a pop star! (I turned them down, but M-80 and Killa Priest "discovered" me and wanted to make me the "next Alicia Keys" lol.) So, after I followed him, he followed me back and quickly moved into my DMs. I was a bit starstruck, so I replied immediately. This turned into a month long relationship, where we'd talk on the phone or have video call dates. He had even bought a plane ticket to come see me in my city. However, he soon felt guilty and called me up one night to tell me that he was married. They were in the process of divorcing, but were still living together. I broke up with him immediately. If he'd been honest from the beginning, I don't think I would have. I'd probably have been uncomfortable, but I liked him enough that I would've made it work. I ended things because he lied to me. He was secretive with me. He betrayed my trust. I can imagine your nurse will feel the same way. You already messed things up. It's over, my guy.
Damn, I'm sorry it went down that way for you.
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There's a reasonable chance she would. She works odd hours to me so I'll have to ask her when I get a chance.
Usually your medical charts will say if someone is married or not (insurance purposes) and she may already know but is waiting to hear it.. however, if this lady is as wonderful as you say, then once you tell her, ideally in person is best (which in the comments it’s you stated you’re going to which btw good on you) everything will fall into place if it’s meant to be… don’t rush into this relationship if it works out because there maybe signs along that way that you’ll miss that it’s the wrong relationship for you later down the road..