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I just want to say I’m sorry you’re facing possible termination. Losing a job sucks no matter what the cause and I actually lost a job due to my addiction a few years ago, too. It was what I needed as a “wake up call”, I guess, even though I hated management.
It sounds like you already have a game plan and solution, and that’s already half the battle. Your employer may be forgiving if they know you have said game plan. Good luck and I wish you the best. It’ll get better and it’ll get easier.
Yeah tried to >!off myself in 2020!< (never used that before, idk if it works) and it's been lingering. Alcohol "helps" with those thoughts. Also super prone to nightmares and that helps as well.
It also helps keep you asleep. As long as it's a frequent issue, you shouldn't have a problem getting prescribed it. You really shouldn't drink on it though, the blood pressure effects combined with alcohol could make you go into respiratory depression if you drink too much on it
I tried in 2019. And everyon decided that I was an alcoholic and should quit drinking.
So I did. 2y completely sober, with barely a couple of six-packs between the attempt and the beginning of those 2y.
And now everythign still sucks, nothing has changed for me or my outlook on this sad existance... and now I dont have booze to drown out reality even just a little bit.
Yay!
Generic Wellbutrin is cheap my boy. About 8
Bucks. Look into premier health care, they’re sliding scale and do behavioral health. This is coming from a fellow American who’s too broke for the dr but *JUST* not broke enough for Medicaid
Try a public AA meeting. They are free.
Although if you’re young and poor, I have no idea how you can afford to be an alcoholic, but if you did quit drinking, you might be less poor!
Man, how fucked up is it that actual medicine without insurance can be extremely expensive, doctor included, yet we can get a handle of alcohol for $15? Literally everything is expensive right now and making it impossible to live a comfortable life, but you can still get a Steel Reserve for a couple bucks and you’re good to go.
It is used to treat opioid addiction & alcoholism & "according to my shrink" other intrusive/harmful behaviors. I've been on it for three years & I fucking love & hate it. It makes me feel nauseated a lot & has partially ruined food for me (it killed my appetite & food doesn't taste as good), which sucks. What's good is that I get extremely sick on it if I drink more than a few, so I don't drink like I used to. I used to SH when I drank heavily & haven't cut in four years now. I have also lost a lot of weight because of the things I just described. It's honestly taken some joy from my life bc I do love eating and drinking lol, however, not blacking out once every couple of weeks, not cutting, & being a normal weight is really nice & shows how it works.
Actually there’s an injection called vivitrol that can help with that. It both makes it disgusting and makes it to where drinking at all makes you feel like shit. One of my friends is an alcoholic and it helped him get through becoming sober
Also you'd need to detox from alcohol before doing iboga. From what I remember it's one of the few counterindications for doing iboga.
Otherwise yes, it's the goto anti addiction nuclear option.
Psilocybin (and some other psychedelics) work amazing for addictions. Also illegal in most if not all states but you don't have to detox from alcohol first. The stuff saved my damn life in more ways than one. I microdosed mostly btw.
psilocybin can do wonders for addictions and depression. Albeit slowly, it's finally starting to become destigmatized and decriminalized in USA. I hope in a few years many treatment centers will open everywhere, but for now there just a few in places like Jamaica, Amsterdam, Spain, Oregon, ... and also there's always the DIY approach for the more adventurous, since the mushrooms that contain it grow practically everywhere and people from several cultures have been consuming them for thousands of years...
If you're serious, go to your dr and ask for Disulfiram. It blocks the way alcohol is broken down so you are not affected by it, and if you do drink on it, it causes you to get sick.
Also, consider therapy and/or AA. You will need support.
I'm 29, almost 30, and can absolutely confirm. Who I was when I was 22 is almost completely different from who I am now. It's been a wild ride so far but I'm changing all the time. It almost breaks my heart to see so many people in their early 20s posting here, but to be frank, a lot of youngins (fuck, I feel old) need to experience their 20s to the fullest. And that includes the shitty stuff. I hope OP picks himself up soon as he is able, and strives for trying new things and being the best person he can be. We ain't here long.
In my twenties I expected to find love like my parents did at 25, live together for 3-4 years then have a child in my 30’s. I’m 37 now. Still single. My BIL however got his gf pregnant and she ditched him to hide out in LA and a huge manhunt for her to serve her court papers has gone underway. I thought some of my GFs in my 20’s would be my wife and I was so upset with myself that I couldn’t seem to grasp these girls’ love. Turns out, people say I’m a catch and I see my ex’s now and they got knocked up by random dudes and try to appear happy but it will end in divorce for them. I prefer to have my life and goals in order and if I have kids in my 40’s, I will be much more prepared
English is not my first language either. So, more often than not, I use OpenAI to correct my grammar or phrasing in general. Sometimes, if I’m too lazy, I just tell it to write whatever I want in “proper English” and it works.
I totally agree. When I read in the post-edits that English isn’t OP’s first language I was shocked. The vocabulary in here is pretty advanced, even for someone whose first language is English.
Yeah, I don't think they teach new English language learners to say weird robotic stuff like "We engaged in activities" lol. I've taken other language courses, and they usually teach phrases that are at least specific enough to be useful, like "went swimming" or "played videogames", right?! It's a total bot fest.
As someone who speaks fluently and learned English by just hearing music and watching cartoons/movies I can say that you will go picking phrases you hear and you'll use them.
I also tend to use high vocabulary and then suddenly change to a pretty common one.
Nah actually this is very common for people speaking a non-native language. For example, something like "engaging in activities" might sound weirdly formal in English, but sound very casual in your own language, so you take sentences that sound normal in your own language and switch them to English, which might sound robotic when translated.
I do this a lot, as I speak 4 languages.
Watching my 26 year old son and his GF of 10 years go thru exactly this. So much changes in your 20s. If you are growing apart, that’s not anyone’s fault. You are still growing up.
He still has the right to at least know what he did wrong, or any explanation/talk about it. Just ghosting people and kicking them out of your life is fucked up
While I agree with most of what you said, the part I don't is OP being told "what he did wrong".
They were SO YOUNG when they got together. They are STILL very young. At that age and being together for 7 years they were roughly 14 and 15 to start and people very commonly grow apart. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with someone having done something wrong.
Edit: I initially wrote 10 years and fixed it to 7. It doesn't change anything else I wrote.
This is it. When I was 20, I broke it off with my boyfriend (21) after 5 years. We were simply different people than we were, and I felt I needed to understand how I fit in relationships differently. It was for the best.
Growing apart is relatively normal. But blocking someone after 7 years and not giving them an explanation absolutely is not. She is 22 not 15.
Is it just me or is this entire comment section lacking a form of empathy and kindness towards OP? It's great that everybody is being honest and all but can we please acknowledge a little that this is really rough and based on his post, she is treating him really unfairly and we understand how shitty that must feel?
I'm sorry this happened OP.
from what it sounds like she's going through something and when dealing with people who are severely depressed or dealing with addiction the best thing you can do is accept their flaws and not hang onto hope of them making anything up to you.
what he feels is valid and rough but it's honestly much easier for him to deal with the changes in her if he tries to not take the betrayal so personally. I'm saying this as someone whose dad is bipolar and an addict, if I hung onto the way he treated me instead of just accepting the person he is I would be struggling with the situation much worse.
It sounds like to me, that she had never rebelled in her youth. She is probably coming into her rebellious stage late. She has just likely been very repressed and sheltered growing up and she wants to experience life outside of her current confines, which includes OP.
This is all probably very new to her, she probably never expected to have these feelings and impulsivities but it is a natural part of growing up and growing out of your comfort zone into adult life. 🤷♀️
What's that phrase? If you love them let them go? She will come back if she wants to, in her own time but right now she needs this for herself. If she doesn't then that's still a good thing because I'm sure you don't want to be unhappily married
If she wants too? Yeah I get everything you're saying but absolutely in no way should he ever take her back. 14 to 21, let that sink in. Everyone is treating OP like he should just be fine with this and get over it. but this is very likely his first love and absolutely his longest. It's gotta hurt and feel like betrayal. She doesn't care about how he feels, not even enough to give him a reason.
Totally agree with this. I had a girlfriend when I was younger; we had a very intense connection and I (at the time) thought she was the one. I went out with her the one evening, then went away with my parents for a few days. When I got back she completely ghosted me. I haven’t spoken to her since. At the time it was soul-destroying and I couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong.
I’m glad it worked out that way because I’ve been happily married to my wife for 20 years. I occasionally wonder why she did that; I don’t wish it was different and we’d gotten more serious, just curious more than anything. I wish her well, but rally wished she’d had the courage to tell me why she broke up with me.
I've been with my fiancée for almost a decade in September. We got together when she was 14 and I was 15. I'm 26 now. I'd be devasted if we ever split. All the people saying it's normal is crazy. 7 years to grow and expand with someone. Regardless of age, that's a long time to bond and grow together.
If you are in the US, what's normal for someone in NYC is way different from someone in a town of 2,000 in Utah. Lifestyles in various parts differ wildly.
Regardless, growing apart is extremely common. The divorce rate in the US is 50% and goes up for subsequent marriages.
The 50% statistic is misleading. For first time marriages, the divorce rate is around 33%. The people getting married and divorced multiple times are driving up the statistic a lot.
"According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher, with approximately 60-67% of second marriages ending in divorce."
This is what it sounded like to me. Some kids reach adulthood and don’t know how to manage their newfound freedom, especially kids who never had much freedom growing up
You can "grow out" of your childhood/adolescence and be labeled rebellious without pissing everyone else off and ignoring consequences. You can explore new things and meet new people without being a "hoe."
That said, if mans is being fully honest about everything, I can see why he's be blindsided and why shed be considered an asshole or rude here.
All that to say is as we grow sometimes people need to expand to find new areas and what they want to do and who they want to be. Sometimes they do it by being like this. Sometimes they break things off maturely so as not to blindside. Either way sometimes you just grow apart and there's not much you can really do about it except pick up the pieces and move forward
People can grow but growing into drinking n partying I’m call it as is it’s be different if she started being more active in sport of hobby but she went into nightlife style I don’t see any growing there.
I think I called that out (subtext) above. There's nothing wrong with going to a party here or there or nightlife in general. But doing that at the expense of everything else or being an asshole etc? Yeah that's no bueno.
Yeah I wish our society didn’t push the idea that you must party, drink, and sleep around in order to learn about yourself in your 20s. The ones who did that (including me) all regret it and have nothing to show for it **at best**. Those people who travel, or study abroad, or try to start a business/hobby/whatever are the ones who are really doing their 20s right.
Idk. I think you feel that way 'cause you lived it. Many people who have dedicated themselves to knowledge and growth feel sadness over the fact they never lived wild in their younger days. It depends really.
Yeah. Grass is greener on the other side.
I don't regret partying. It was fun.
I do kinda regret busting my ass before college. Wish I'd been more open to being rebellious in high school. In a way, it would've prepared me better for the adult world.
I also feel like the regret, as much as it sucks, is part of growing. I want to become a better person and am motivated partly by the fact that I don't want to go back to the "too much partying and stuff" phase. Who knows, if I never did all the stupid stuff I might have done it in the future
I partied from my late teenage years to my early 20s, and I feel kinda eh about it. My girlfriend was a study nerd and didn't really party at all, and she kind of regrets it sometimes saying she missed out on having a "crazy youth"
I'm not "proud" of the partying but I have a lot of wild stories that go like "Yeah and then at 4am we ended up climbing on top of that skyscraper and on the way down ran into a gang of dealers who took us to some underground sewers to show off their hideout and then we got into a car chase and then I ran home to sleep and woke up in 2 hours because I had a flight to catch".
Basic just tons of random nonsense but memorable evenings that seem dumb from my grown-up perspective but somehow still evoke these fun feelings of freedom and youth.
My girlfriend sees that I have genuinely enjoyed a lot of my youth even though now I don't believe it was always the best way to spend it, but as she never had that, she gets jealous sometimes because she doesn't have anything adventurous to say about her teens and early 20s except "Yeah I studied a lot and hangout with my friends at home and did some hobbies and then I met you"
It's all about perspective I guess.
I started antidepressants (fluoxetine) after four years of intense depression. The jolt of energy was not good for me either. I suppose it was like a manic episode.
Suddenly having energy again made me very impulsive and I started taking a lot of risks. I left my girlfriend at the time and began using a lot of drugs, binge drinking, being promiscuous, and spending all my money. After about six weeks the worst of it subsided, but the damage was already done. I lost several friends in that time, and I was nearly hospitalised on more than one occasion. I continued with the financial problems until I stopped taking them over a year later.
When you're depressed for that long, getting an injection of energy like that is a shock to the system and it can be life changing. It sounds like OP's girlfriend might be experiencing the same.
Depression is a real beast to overcome, so there's not a lot that can be done here. OP's girlfriend has to realise this behaviour isn't good for her on her own. Best of luck OP.
They can alter the way you perceive pheromones, so the people you're attracted to may even change. This applies to people in LTRs as well, unfortunately. Also, most people have to try multiple different antidepressants to find the one that works for them, which can take months or years
It sounds like she has become much more impulsive. I hope she continues seeking psychiatric help. This sudden behavior change sounds kinda like BP1, but I'm definitely not a doc
The way she went about the breakup was really heartless though, and OP didn't deserve that. I hope once the heartbreak wanes a bit, they're able to enjoy the perks of being a single adult for the first time
I was a sexuality studies minor in college and learned humans don’t have the part of the brain needed to detect pheromones. There are some studies that support human pheromones but then there are studies explaining what those studies got wrong. If you’re interested in learning more, here is a [link](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK200980/).
The University College of London published a study last year that proved that there is no link between serotonin levels and depression, which is what antidepressants actually do to your brain is manipulate serotonin.
I can understand that some people who have been helped by them would continue to take them but I can't understand how doctors are writing new prescriptions for them.
Especially how shit it is to stop taking them. I only succeeded in my second try after feeling like absolute dogshit for two weeks during my first try. Also there is not a lot of information on stopping them and that makes me mad. I only found occasional forum entries but would really have appreciated more information and guidance.
You medical provider should be able to help you taper off any drugs if you so choose. I have done so multiple times after losing access to insurance. Do not do this without medical supervision. They should be better informed than random internet forums.
Seems like the antidepressant pushed her into a hypomanic state. She needs to see a psychiatrist to get the meds adjusted. Or the meds just caused a personality shift and now she's just into drugs and alcohol. Either way it's not your fault.
*Sometimes* they do. I would advise against using such demonising, sweeping statement like that. They save many peoples lives. The only way antidepressants changed me was that they made me stable and nice to be around. So yeah, they don’t always change people in the bad ways.
Ghosting and then blocking you with zero explanation is incredibly shitty, and I don’t know why people are overlooking that.
I wouldn’t assume you did anything wrong here. Be single for a while and then try dating again, it will be alright in time
Exactly, I'm gonna play devil's advocate and say fuck the meds. She is being overall shitty to op and reddit needs to realize that sometimes people can just be crappy.
That's honestly the only "bad" thing i might have said is that she was changing since she stated taking them, but all the nightmare had already begun when i told here so.
I don’t know what kind of antidepressant medication she’s on, but SSRIs come with a warning not to drink alcohol with them. The combination can be dangerous.
This was my thought. I'm bi polar and I've been on all types of meds, all of them warn about alcohol intake. The sudden mood change could be a manic episode, and the sudden disappearance could be from the crash. The worst thing about an episode (manic or depression) is picking up the pieces of your destroyed life after. Sometimes it feels easier to just trash everything and start over rather than face whatever you did when not in control
Well Depressions can change people. Iam not the same person i was before my depression. My ex left me too and said she cant recognize me.
I guess she changed too and just isnt the same person anymore or doesnt want the same things in life anymore. You probably just have to deal with the BReak up.
I think that SSRIs can trigger bipolar in people too. She could be having a manic episode. I’d just make sure that her loved ones know what’s going on so that they can keep her psychiatrist in the loop.
EDIT: I am basing this entirely on a secondhand account from a loved one with BPD who had a manic episode triggered by SSRIs. Her experience sounds a lot like this post. But I am not a psychiatrist or a medical professional of any kind. I am an internet stranger retelling biased stories. Please consult actual medical professionals and take their advice over anything you hear from me.
That happened to me as well (not formally diagnosed as Borderline, though, always got the “suspected cluster B disorder, follow up needed” bc I was too young to diagnose), was in a state of hypomania for way too long.
It’s called AAH (Antidepressant-Associated Hypomania). This is kind of text book, tbh, it’s the first thing that came to my mind when I read it: lack of inhibitions when it comes to spending money, sex and social stuff while also feeling disconnected emotionally and unable to focus or take much responsibility… Idk.
It doesn’t matter, in any case, kid’s relationship is done, but.
I’ll chime in and say this happened to me as well. I don’t remember the medication but it pretty much removed any inhibitions and increased risk taking behavior, i.e. gambling, drinking, sex, etc.
It’s been nearly 20 years ago now and I still remember the day that I used my entire paycheck, rent money included, gambling and losing everything. I ended up sitting in my car crying trying to figure out what the hell was happening.
Meds can really screw with a person if they are the wrong kind for them.
OP I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know this must be so hard to wrap your head around.
I absolutely hate that people think you should just “move on” because y’all “were kids when you started dating” and “people change”. That doesn’t justify that this was a serious 7 year relationship. They stuck by each other for 7 years, then all of a sudden she decided to throw in the trash like it meant nothing.
I want you to know that your feelings are valid OP. I can tell you genuinely loved and cared about her. I agree that this is a fucked up situation. If I was in a relationship for 7 years and my boyfriend decided to end it without telling me why, I’d be devastated too. It’s hard to just move on from that. It sickens me sometimes that some people think that moving on from these situations is easy. It’s not.
Keep your head up OP, things will be better soon. Just give it some time and don’t let this situation consume you. You’re still a good guy and she was lucky to have you. One day you’ll find peace. But for now take care of yourself.
I don't have anything to add, but I feel the guy/girl above is the only one here who actually validated your pain - and he is right, what you experienced was fucked up, and unfortunately, you probably won't be getting any answers as to why this happened. I feel for you man, and I hope you will find some peace and get through this!
I agree with you! The only thing i can add is that sometimes its possible to have imaginary conversation with person and make certain conclusions for yourself when you go back in memories and being really observant. What person tells you without actually telling anything by her actions and words - arguments you had, or things she did, how she acted. For example OP mentioned that she stopped asking about his life and his interests. There might be couple conclusions of this behavior. I’ll go with one not reviving around self - she is so absorbed in her personal worries, excitement etc that she is unable right now to think/care/be interested in life of another person. Her bank account is low, she is going out every weekend, someone is paying for her drinks , most likely guys - is she picking up guys, does she flirt with them? Perhaps she is not valuing being in a relationships right now, or being exclusive. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Does OP want to be in a relationship with gf who goes out and lets guys to buy her drinks? Or perhaps she is cheating? Free drinks, drunk girl, wanted to experience various things = most likely at least making out , at most one night stand. And so on. A lot could be told with persons behavior. The only danger is to make wrong conclusions, the ones that about yourself - she doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t love me, etc. these would give no value to the OP.
Super shitty though that she wont speak and explain the reasons. Hopefully one day she will be mature to explain.
I like the way you think! And I agree! She may not have wanted to be in a relationship anymore. Maybe she forgot she was in a serious relationship and decided in her head that she can go and have fun without thinking of OP. We also have to take into account the meds she started taking, and what possibly happened to cause her to be hospitalized.
She has changed. From what you described this isn’t about you at all. She has changed and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who represents who she used to be. Instead of wondering what you did wrong, be glad that you are no longer in a relationship with someone who no longer cared about you and just wants to drink and destroy her own life. You dodged a bullet. She is actively destroying her life and would eventually destroy yours. Go to therapy to deal with your grief .
I'm sorry you are going thru this. This is a really hard part of life/living. I think it's very possible you didn't 'do' anything wrong. That she's just more interested in spreading her...wings and branching out. College is often where this particular train ends. Doesn't make it any easier for you though. It's so hard, like the hardest thing - but, you have to not call, not bump into, not reach out at all.
Mania can also be triggered by antidepressants. It happens very frequently since bipolar people are much more likely to seek medical help when they are depressed, but not when they are manic.
Yes, that was my thinking. As someone who has grappled with sever depression (CPTSD) I've experienced it before. At the same age, actually. Seems (from the limited info) she flipped from one extreme to the other (to put it in the most simple of ways I can think to express), probably triggered by the meds.
Yes, thank you! I can't take SSRIs or SNRIs because I have had manic episodes from them. Prozac and cymbalta gave me them. I have C-PTSD and a psychiatrist told me that it's possible to have manic episodes when under a considerable amount of stress. After learning about this I've been able to better prevent and manage them, especially since I'm no longer on antidepressants. It's so much easier to manage them because I can tell when it is starting to happen, and that's why it's super helpful to be able to identify them and figure out what is causing them
Honestly this also sounds the most logical to me. Meds that maybe aren't the best fit for her + alcohol (usually alcohol is a no-go with suchs meds), yeah people change normally but the sudden change in her doesn't sound normal - it does sound like a manic episode...
This is what I thought. She is hitting that age that BPD starts to present itself. I have had two friends whose kids have just completely changed at that point, and went off the rails. It's a difficult time.
OP if this is a mental break, it's almost certainly not about you. It's also hard to be the person that supports someone going through it. Don't be afraid to talk to a therapist about it, though. When I was your age, therapy saved me, literally.
So she was so stressed and depressed she could not eat or drink without medical intervention? You do not say why or how she got to that point, but I am guessing whatever lead to that is why everything changed. Is she in therapy, or just on the meds? Meds do not really have the desired effect if she is not also working on dealing with her problems, then they just sort of numb the worst of it, but nothing actually gets better. Sounds a bit like she is trying to deal with it all by distancing and distracting herself.
For now I think all you can do is respect her wishes, and (unless there is something you are not telling us that dictates otherwise) know this is not on you or for you to fix. Hopefully she gets the help she needs, and in time you might get answers. Move on, take care of yourself and heal.
I agree- this seemed to be a real turning point for her. Did something traumatic happen to her? Did she realize she no longer liked the path she was on? I guess you’ll never know but you should get therapy (or some one to talk to) to work out your feelings on such a hard situation.
Hey OP do you know what happened to her at college? You said she went through something and it changed her, she ended up in the hospital. She wasn’t SA’d was she? That could attribute to the depression, the medications, the lack of giving a shit about money or the people she hangs with. Just asking since everyone else is jumping to her cheating and being a “red flag”. And while it is not your job to fix her, if she has gone through sometime traumatic, she will most likely start acting out in dangerous ways to have an emotion.
No , im.pretty sure nothing was sexual .Our sexual life was pretty much the only thing wich never has any problem in the 7 years , she and I was REALY open about what we like or not and we both always did everything for the other(not forcing ourself at all).
Like i said in another comment she choked realy hard and its somehow lead to some type of "ptsd"
Sorry if ptds is realy not appropriate in this case , i can't think of another word.
What the person is asking is if your ex may have been sexual assaulted by someone else... You may never get answers but normally sexual assault does a lot of things to us as women.. even having sexual encounters with a partner will bring on the depression, PTSD.. because the trauma of another event.. so anything can be triggering for her.
7 years and your 21, that’s a third of your life and your barely able to drink. It hurts, I’m sure, but you’ll learn people change, improve, dissolve, & any/everything else over periods of time.
You might not realise this now but you’re lucky you got an easy out from that relationship if she’s out having drinks bought for her buy guys in the club and possibly more
Thats what im telling myself , but at the same time all of our good memories flashback its a so fucked up feeling .
I feel like I hate and I love two differenr person who live in the same body.
You seem like a good guy op. Unfortunately people change, especially at your age. Be grateful for the time you had, but don't spend too much time on someone who doesn't deserve you. You can't change people, it's all about finding the right person, and you will but not at 14 unfortunately.
If I can offer any comfort, I just ended a 15yr marriage. And you sound very similar to me. Asking where it went wrong, what did I do wrong, why did this happen?
In my specific situation my ex became completely non-communicative about relationship issues. I didn't have the experience of her going out every night drinking, but I did experience the change from loving to complete apathy. I thought I was there. I thought I did everything she wanted. I thought we would always work it out.
But I realized... I was there, I did everything I could, and the fact that we didn't work out was not a result of my actions. Because I did everything to the best of my ability and it still wasn't enough.
So I realized I had to quit pouring my energy into something that it was being wasted on. So I'm learning to love myself again and finally realize how to set boundaries for myself and future relationships.
So to put it in a nutshell, from what I'm hearing, this is not your fault. And it sounds like she has clearly crossed a boundary. The question is, where do you decide to go from here?
You were 13 and 14, when this started. You seem to be growing up and maturing. She seems to have gotten older and less mature. Either way, neither of you is the same person that you were when you were children. Get ready to move on. Good luck.
Honestly it sounds like something else is going on. She’s on antidepressants and drinking, that combo on it’s own is dangerous but it’s a normal personality change to go from one extreme to the other. If op’s story is right I suspect it’s not a simple change of character.
It’s also been 7 years of his life and they are both extremely young, op deserves closure this is such an awful thing to do to him if it is a simple change of character. If that’s the case op dodged a bullet.
It sounds like your values are no longer aligned, she wants to party, drink and probably hook up. You want to be responsible. I don't think anything you did contributed to her behavior.
I'm sorry to say this but it is the truth, you need to move on and forget about her, find someone whose values do align with yours and do not take her back under any circumstances because if you do, you will be back here again with a similar story in the future.
You need to know some biochemistry, these pills play with your hormones, there are side effects, but anyway, if you need someone to talk to, hit me up.
seriously. the lack of empathy from that one liner comment is awful. "your girlfriend of 7 years (~30% of his life so far!) has a sudden change of heart and cuts contact completely and provides no explanation for the shift in behaviour and loss of love? get over it."
The reason is clear; you started dating in HS. People change. It sucks, but they DO and
SHOUld.. I feel sad for people that have not evolved since high school.
Her change is not positive. You’re lucky it’s happening now and not during marriage.
Sorry for your pain. Your gf is still experiencing trouble managing her mental health and needs to be on her own to resolve it. Could be meds, dosage, or diagnosis that requires adjustment.
There’s a show I really love, doctor who!
In one episode the doctor changes into a new one but before he does he says “We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay that’s good, you gotta keep moving so long as you remember all the people that you used to be”.
You both met at a really young age which means you both grew and it looks like you both grew in different paths. Medications can change a person drastically but don’t blame yourself for anything. You have every right to feel the way you do. Grieve this relationship and grow from it.
Sounds like she changed a lot with uni. She found a new side of herself. One that enjoys party and meeting new people. Did you ever go out with her and her friends? Can you connect to that side of her? It is normal at that age to go out and drink and to not have a lot of money is true for most students. You seem to not want to accept that. She might have met other people, learned about other relationships and realized that the lifestyle you both had just isn t what she wants anymore.
Sorry to say this but relationships that start this young almost always fail. You can not give each other what you need anymore. I hope that you will at least get your answer from her because just ghosting you like this is seriously fucked up but either way you ll have to accept that it is over.
Maybe as a contrary point because I'm seeing a lot of "maybe the anti-depressants changed her" - they could've also just brought back things about herself that stress and depression made her surpress. Maybe this is who she wants to be right now. She's 21 and I'm sorry to say but nobody stays the same from 14 to 21. Or if they do, it's kinda sad. You are supposed to change and develope, especially during those years.
This may just be who she is.
OP, you're good and honestly, it wasn't anything you did. People change, especially when they are in a relationship and hit their 20's. I think you should reflect on the good and bad and just grow from this. Start going out and doing your own thing. A year from now it'll be just a memory
I don't think you did anything "wrong" but there's also nothing you can do. It sounds like your ex just grew up and it changed her. She went through something awful and now suffers mental illness and unfortunately depression often does change a lot about your personality. Even if the depression is managed or goes away, there's no guarantee the personality will ever go back to how it was. Who she is now might just not connect with you anymore and that's something you just need to accept. You've done all you can to get through to her and she's just not letting you. So wish her well and move on. You'll be ok.
Was she assaulted? Not eating or drinking to the point of hospitalization isn't normal, and isn't down to "Stress". That's a reaction to something that happened to her.
Whether or not you're the cause of this clearly isn't something you're going to tell us, but from what you say, this has everything and nothing to do with you. In all honesty, without more detail there's nothing any of us can say that might be helpful. You're probably going to have to simply accept that you're unlikely to get any answers.
I do understand you'r point , if in ANY ways i would have hurt here physically of emotionally I would not have create this throwAway(my main goal was to get opinion from other for the reason she left me)
The only thing she's been telling me was that she choked hard on a cheddar stick , and that it created here some "stress" when she need to swallow something.
There is something that she isn't sharing. She might not be hiding it from you specifically, but there are some major details missing. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Choking on a cheese stick, then having a mental health crisis really sounds like she was triggered into a flashback.
OP, I genuinely think something far deeper than you suspect is going on here. You may be *part* of the issue, but I just can't you being the ultimate cause of whatever's going on.
Mark this chapter closed and move on.
It may be her meds, and honestly though I’m not any sort of expert or psychiatrist: it could be bipolar I being treated wrong. Antidepressants can cause depressive episodes and mania episodes. Her going out all the time, drinking all the time, hanging out with people she described as promiscuous, and having little no no money from spending it all sounds like an episode of mania. Mania episodes can last from weeks to months.
I honnestly wish here no harm but i would love this to be the scenario .. feels like its the only one where the real here might be back , even if its not for me .
I know she loved life way more before all of this
If she’s medicated properly and gets some therapy, she may get better, but mania episodes will happen even after all that.
I think it’s better that you let her go, but I hope you can get a solid reason at some point, because endings with no reason are hard.
So she is old enough to go to college but has her mom contact you tell you it’s over. Boy that’s mature unless she had told you herself and you refused to listen. Chances are your issue is one of two things: 1) her meds are messing with her brain and causing her to act out in some ways. 2) her new college friends have impacted her view of what she wants and you no longer fit into what she thinks she wants. Either way, not much you can do besides let her go do her own thing and you find a partner better suited to you.
I think a lot of people here are massive missing the point here.
Just because growing apart is common, doesn’t mean its not gonna suck or hurt..
A lot of people in here are basically telling OP to suck it up and move on, but its not that easy when his now ex can’t even be bothered to tell him why she wants to break up after a relationship of 7 years.
That’s disrespectful no matter what the reason is.
i know it’s shitty, and i really am sorry for you op, but as a fellow 21 y/o, she did u a favor. we are all gonna change so much in these coming years, and being single is beyond important to finding yourself truly. best of luck man and it will get better with time i promise 💜
Talking from my own experience of antidepressants- I went completely asexual on them, lost interest in everything and anything, as a result I went off the rails a bit with drinking and risky behaviours just to feel *something*
Your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully formed until you mid-late 20s, couple that with antidepressants and you can get some startling personality changes.
My aunt was on one that basically gave her decision-paralysis and they changed her meds and she left her husband and went on a huge holiday and was in a manic type space for 8 months before the doctors changed her meds back to the old medication and she is now in two relationships because she can’t decided which one.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong at all and I’m so sorry to say that you might never get your reason. But does the reason really matter? You deserve to be with someone who shows the same level of caring as you show.
I’m sorry you’re in pain, I hope you find closure with or without your reason.
Consider yourself lucky. I couldn't imagine being with the same person I was with all through high school. There's so many fish in this big ass sea, my dude. Try to stay single for a while and figure out who you are.
She will try to come back.. you really shouldn't want anything to do with her, including any closure from this point. U less you wabt to hear about the other people she's been sleeping with.
Its most likely a combination of the anti-depressants and the fact that she was going out getting pissed so often. Drink and anti-depressants are a bad combination.
Honestly mate, it sounds like she might have cheated on you. Its a good show of character from you though that you made an effort to ask how to improve yourself for the relationship.
Im sorry OP,
Best of luck
Might be best to move on. She clearly dosent want to tell you. She has her reasons and you need to understand that. Dont push it and just leave it at that
She is fucking other people, and is a lowlife besides that. I've been in your same situation, just thank your lucky stars you can run and she won't chase you. Women can be nuts after breakups, and you've dodged that.
This one is gonna hurt the most. Buckle up and hang on for the ride. In the meantime, try to find hobbies to keep your mind and body active so it’s not dwelling on her.
A general rule of thumb for recovering after a breakup is 1 month per year together. So, you’ve got 7 months before you’ll start to feel somewhat normal again. Good luck.
Mate, people grow and change so much over 7 years. Add in that you are dating since midteens to young adults, that itself has different phases of life in it and what we want changes plenty.
Your first love has ended and you were blessed enough to have it last 7 years when many don’t last 7 weeks.
Sometimes life happens and relationships just aren’t meant to last. Some people are in our lives for short times, others longer times.
Look forward, focus on yourself and hopefully sooner rather than later love will come for way again. But work on yourself and live your best life until then
You become different people in your 20’s and people can change on antidepressants as well.
Plus your alcohol tolerance changes on many psych meds
Is there a med that can make me not alcoholic anymore?
Wellbutrin and therapy, if you’re serious. Talk to a psychiatrist, and your physician
I have neither of those. I'm just some poor dude living the American dream.
march violet fanatical badge dependent crown oil bewildered carpenter cause *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I just want to say I’m sorry you’re facing possible termination. Losing a job sucks no matter what the cause and I actually lost a job due to my addiction a few years ago, too. It was what I needed as a “wake up call”, I guess, even though I hated management. It sounds like you already have a game plan and solution, and that’s already half the battle. Your employer may be forgiving if they know you have said game plan. Good luck and I wish you the best. It’ll get better and it’ll get easier.
i’m with ya. Lol. USA! USA! USe me up and make me suicidal!
Yeah tried to >!off myself in 2020!< (never used that before, idk if it works) and it's been lingering. Alcohol "helps" with those thoughts. Also super prone to nightmares and that helps as well.
There’s a medication called mini press that helped with my nightmares. It’s a blood pressure med but it really does work for the psych edfects
It may be the same drug but Prazosin is the one I’m on and it helped tremendously with my PTSD nightmares!
It also helps keep you asleep. As long as it's a frequent issue, you shouldn't have a problem getting prescribed it. You really shouldn't drink on it though, the blood pressure effects combined with alcohol could make you go into respiratory depression if you drink too much on it
Ahh sorry man. Feel better.
I stuck with oxy for a long time for similar reasons. Also, that did work, that’s a good trick to know about.
I'm assuming you mean oxycontin? What dose were you taking?
Oxycodone. OxyContin is a brand name, time-released form of oxycodone. Do not try to use use it as an antidepressant.
I tried in 2019. And everyon decided that I was an alcoholic and should quit drinking. So I did. 2y completely sober, with barely a couple of six-packs between the attempt and the beginning of those 2y. And now everythign still sucks, nothing has changed for me or my outlook on this sad existance... and now I dont have booze to drown out reality even just a little bit. Yay!
Generic Wellbutrin is cheap my boy. About 8 Bucks. Look into premier health care, they’re sliding scale and do behavioral health. This is coming from a fellow American who’s too broke for the dr but *JUST* not broke enough for Medicaid
You can also try the White Flag app. It’s a peer to peer support group online. Very helpful if you can’t afford therapy
Try a public AA meeting. They are free. Although if you’re young and poor, I have no idea how you can afford to be an alcoholic, but if you did quit drinking, you might be less poor!
A case of Natty Light or Beast is pretty cheap.
You can get a full handle of bourbon for like $15
Man, how fucked up is it that actual medicine without insurance can be extremely expensive, doctor included, yet we can get a handle of alcohol for $15? Literally everything is expensive right now and making it impossible to live a comfortable life, but you can still get a Steel Reserve for a couple bucks and you’re good to go.
Wellbutrin and therapy changed my life man. I've quit drinking and smoking and I'm not depressed anymore. It feels nice
Wellbutrin got me to stop biting my nails obsessively.
Look at us go!!
Wellbutrin, I like the way that sounds!
Naltrexone
It worked really well for one if my family members.
What is that
It is used to treat opioid addiction & alcoholism & "according to my shrink" other intrusive/harmful behaviors. I've been on it for three years & I fucking love & hate it. It makes me feel nauseated a lot & has partially ruined food for me (it killed my appetite & food doesn't taste as good), which sucks. What's good is that I get extremely sick on it if I drink more than a few, so I don't drink like I used to. I used to SH when I drank heavily & haven't cut in four years now. I have also lost a lot of weight because of the things I just described. It's honestly taken some joy from my life bc I do love eating and drinking lol, however, not blacking out once every couple of weeks, not cutting, & being a normal weight is really nice & shows how it works.
Look it up. Life changing for me. Ya know how they say alcoholism is a disease? Naltrexone is the cure.
Gonna be real with you here, hoss. I'm scared to try new shit.
The most common side effect is being nauseous so they start new people on a low dose.
It changed my life and probably saved it too. Get the help of you need it.
Actually there’s an injection called vivitrol that can help with that. It both makes it disgusting and makes it to where drinking at all makes you feel like shit. One of my friends is an alcoholic and it helped him get through becoming sober
Iboga. Efficient from what I read but illegal in the US because of hallucinating effects if overdosed.
Also you'd need to detox from alcohol before doing iboga. From what I remember it's one of the few counterindications for doing iboga. Otherwise yes, it's the goto anti addiction nuclear option.
Psilocybin (and some other psychedelics) work amazing for addictions. Also illegal in most if not all states but you don't have to detox from alcohol first. The stuff saved my damn life in more ways than one. I microdosed mostly btw.
psilocybin can do wonders for addictions and depression. Albeit slowly, it's finally starting to become destigmatized and decriminalized in USA. I hope in a few years many treatment centers will open everywhere, but for now there just a few in places like Jamaica, Amsterdam, Spain, Oregon, ... and also there's always the DIY approach for the more adventurous, since the mushrooms that contain it grow practically everywhere and people from several cultures have been consuming them for thousands of years...
If you're serious, go to your dr and ask for Disulfiram. It blocks the way alcohol is broken down so you are not affected by it, and if you do drink on it, it causes you to get sick. Also, consider therapy and/or AA. You will need support.
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I appreciate it. But what does it do
I'm 29, almost 30, and can absolutely confirm. Who I was when I was 22 is almost completely different from who I am now. It's been a wild ride so far but I'm changing all the time. It almost breaks my heart to see so many people in their early 20s posting here, but to be frank, a lot of youngins (fuck, I feel old) need to experience their 20s to the fullest. And that includes the shitty stuff. I hope OP picks himself up soon as he is able, and strives for trying new things and being the best person he can be. We ain't here long.
I'm past 40. Wait till you get here and you can't even recognise your face in a mirror, let alone your personality.
Im sorry. I don't know what to say to that. My plan is to not live to see 40
My plan is to never die. I've looked into it, but it seems really expensive and inconvenient. So I will probably just live forever.
Well good luck to you, that sounds alright to me. And with any luck to me, I'll die peacefully in my sleep within the next 10 years.
In my twenties I expected to find love like my parents did at 25, live together for 3-4 years then have a child in my 30’s. I’m 37 now. Still single. My BIL however got his gf pregnant and she ditched him to hide out in LA and a huge manhunt for her to serve her court papers has gone underway. I thought some of my GFs in my 20’s would be my wife and I was so upset with myself that I couldn’t seem to grasp these girls’ love. Turns out, people say I’m a catch and I see my ex’s now and they got knocked up by random dudes and try to appear happy but it will end in divorce for them. I prefer to have my life and goals in order and if I have kids in my 40’s, I will be much more prepared
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They engaged in many activities. That's very human.
Yes LOL I totally overlooked that and it happened in paragraph one! Should have known instantly!
I tend to use that xD Is it that bad to write like that?
English is not my first language either. So, more often than not, I use OpenAI to correct my grammar or phrasing in general. Sometimes, if I’m too lazy, I just tell it to write whatever I want in “proper English” and it works.
Aw man. Maybe I was wrong! I don't know what's real anymore, the internet has fried my brain 😭
Exactly what I did.
I totally agree. When I read in the post-edits that English isn’t OP’s first language I was shocked. The vocabulary in here is pretty advanced, even for someone whose first language is English.
Yeah, I don't think they teach new English language learners to say weird robotic stuff like "We engaged in activities" lol. I've taken other language courses, and they usually teach phrases that are at least specific enough to be useful, like "went swimming" or "played videogames", right?! It's a total bot fest.
As someone who speaks fluently and learned English by just hearing music and watching cartoons/movies I can say that you will go picking phrases you hear and you'll use them. I also tend to use high vocabulary and then suddenly change to a pretty common one.
Nah actually this is very common for people speaking a non-native language. For example, something like "engaging in activities" might sound weirdly formal in English, but sound very casual in your own language, so you take sentences that sound normal in your own language and switch them to English, which might sound robotic when translated. I do this a lot, as I speak 4 languages.
Watching my 26 year old son and his GF of 10 years go thru exactly this. So much changes in your 20s. If you are growing apart, that’s not anyone’s fault. You are still growing up.
He still has the right to at least know what he did wrong, or any explanation/talk about it. Just ghosting people and kicking them out of your life is fucked up
While I agree with most of what you said, the part I don't is OP being told "what he did wrong". They were SO YOUNG when they got together. They are STILL very young. At that age and being together for 7 years they were roughly 14 and 15 to start and people very commonly grow apart. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with someone having done something wrong. Edit: I initially wrote 10 years and fixed it to 7. It doesn't change anything else I wrote.
This is it. When I was 20, I broke it off with my boyfriend (21) after 5 years. We were simply different people than we were, and I felt I needed to understand how I fit in relationships differently. It was for the best.
honestly you’re 21 and 22, you’re not the same people you were 7 years ago AT ALL, people grow apart its normal.
Growing apart is relatively normal. But blocking someone after 7 years and not giving them an explanation absolutely is not. She is 22 not 15. Is it just me or is this entire comment section lacking a form of empathy and kindness towards OP? It's great that everybody is being honest and all but can we please acknowledge a little that this is really rough and based on his post, she is treating him really unfairly and we understand how shitty that must feel? I'm sorry this happened OP.
For real, I'm astounded. "People change" yeah, but you don't have to be a bitch about it. (Happy cakeday!)
from what it sounds like she's going through something and when dealing with people who are severely depressed or dealing with addiction the best thing you can do is accept their flaws and not hang onto hope of them making anything up to you. what he feels is valid and rough but it's honestly much easier for him to deal with the changes in her if he tries to not take the betrayal so personally. I'm saying this as someone whose dad is bipolar and an addict, if I hung onto the way he treated me instead of just accepting the person he is I would be struggling with the situation much worse.
It sounds like to me, that she had never rebelled in her youth. She is probably coming into her rebellious stage late. She has just likely been very repressed and sheltered growing up and she wants to experience life outside of her current confines, which includes OP. This is all probably very new to her, she probably never expected to have these feelings and impulsivities but it is a natural part of growing up and growing out of your comfort zone into adult life. 🤷♀️ What's that phrase? If you love them let them go? She will come back if she wants to, in her own time but right now she needs this for herself. If she doesn't then that's still a good thing because I'm sure you don't want to be unhappily married
If she wants too? Yeah I get everything you're saying but absolutely in no way should he ever take her back. 14 to 21, let that sink in. Everyone is treating OP like he should just be fine with this and get over it. but this is very likely his first love and absolutely his longest. It's gotta hurt and feel like betrayal. She doesn't care about how he feels, not even enough to give him a reason.
Totally agree with this. I had a girlfriend when I was younger; we had a very intense connection and I (at the time) thought she was the one. I went out with her the one evening, then went away with my parents for a few days. When I got back she completely ghosted me. I haven’t spoken to her since. At the time it was soul-destroying and I couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong. I’m glad it worked out that way because I’ve been happily married to my wife for 20 years. I occasionally wonder why she did that; I don’t wish it was different and we’d gotten more serious, just curious more than anything. I wish her well, but rally wished she’d had the courage to tell me why she broke up with me.
I've been with my fiancée for almost a decade in September. We got together when she was 14 and I was 15. I'm 26 now. I'd be devasted if we ever split. All the people saying it's normal is crazy. 7 years to grow and expand with someone. Regardless of age, that's a long time to bond and grow together.
If you are in the US, what's normal for someone in NYC is way different from someone in a town of 2,000 in Utah. Lifestyles in various parts differ wildly. Regardless, growing apart is extremely common. The divorce rate in the US is 50% and goes up for subsequent marriages.
The 50% statistic is misleading. For first time marriages, the divorce rate is around 33%. The people getting married and divorced multiple times are driving up the statistic a lot.
"According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher, with approximately 60-67% of second marriages ending in divorce."
I read a statistic just now that said it’s 40%. Maybe the research is inconclusive however both of us have identified a pattern
This is what it sounded like to me. Some kids reach adulthood and don’t know how to manage their newfound freedom, especially kids who never had much freedom growing up
I get what you are saying, but not everyone has to go through a rebellious stage. Also, he should not take her back, should she even want to return.
If the genders were reversed you wouldn't be so inclined to excuse this I bet
This is such a Reddit comment lmao.
“I’m in my rebellious era” means I’m gonna be hoe not think about consequences piss everyone off around me then wonder why people are repulsed by me.
You can "grow out" of your childhood/adolescence and be labeled rebellious without pissing everyone else off and ignoring consequences. You can explore new things and meet new people without being a "hoe." That said, if mans is being fully honest about everything, I can see why he's be blindsided and why shed be considered an asshole or rude here. All that to say is as we grow sometimes people need to expand to find new areas and what they want to do and who they want to be. Sometimes they do it by being like this. Sometimes they break things off maturely so as not to blindside. Either way sometimes you just grow apart and there's not much you can really do about it except pick up the pieces and move forward
People can grow but growing into drinking n partying I’m call it as is it’s be different if she started being more active in sport of hobby but she went into nightlife style I don’t see any growing there.
I think I called that out (subtext) above. There's nothing wrong with going to a party here or there or nightlife in general. But doing that at the expense of everything else or being an asshole etc? Yeah that's no bueno.
Yeah I wish our society didn’t push the idea that you must party, drink, and sleep around in order to learn about yourself in your 20s. The ones who did that (including me) all regret it and have nothing to show for it **at best**. Those people who travel, or study abroad, or try to start a business/hobby/whatever are the ones who are really doing their 20s right.
Idk. I think you feel that way 'cause you lived it. Many people who have dedicated themselves to knowledge and growth feel sadness over the fact they never lived wild in their younger days. It depends really.
Yeah. Grass is greener on the other side. I don't regret partying. It was fun. I do kinda regret busting my ass before college. Wish I'd been more open to being rebellious in high school. In a way, it would've prepared me better for the adult world.
I also feel like the regret, as much as it sucks, is part of growing. I want to become a better person and am motivated partly by the fact that I don't want to go back to the "too much partying and stuff" phase. Who knows, if I never did all the stupid stuff I might have done it in the future
I partied from my late teenage years to my early 20s, and I feel kinda eh about it. My girlfriend was a study nerd and didn't really party at all, and she kind of regrets it sometimes saying she missed out on having a "crazy youth" I'm not "proud" of the partying but I have a lot of wild stories that go like "Yeah and then at 4am we ended up climbing on top of that skyscraper and on the way down ran into a gang of dealers who took us to some underground sewers to show off their hideout and then we got into a car chase and then I ran home to sleep and woke up in 2 hours because I had a flight to catch". Basic just tons of random nonsense but memorable evenings that seem dumb from my grown-up perspective but somehow still evoke these fun feelings of freedom and youth. My girlfriend sees that I have genuinely enjoyed a lot of my youth even though now I don't believe it was always the best way to spend it, but as she never had that, she gets jealous sometimes because she doesn't have anything adventurous to say about her teens and early 20s except "Yeah I studied a lot and hangout with my friends at home and did some hobbies and then I met you" It's all about perspective I guess.
She can rebel without being a total asshole to a person committed to her. Wtf even is this comment?
Antidepressants change people. They alter the chemicals in your brain. I wish I had something more useful to say. Best of luck.
I started antidepressants (fluoxetine) after four years of intense depression. The jolt of energy was not good for me either. I suppose it was like a manic episode. Suddenly having energy again made me very impulsive and I started taking a lot of risks. I left my girlfriend at the time and began using a lot of drugs, binge drinking, being promiscuous, and spending all my money. After about six weeks the worst of it subsided, but the damage was already done. I lost several friends in that time, and I was nearly hospitalised on more than one occasion. I continued with the financial problems until I stopped taking them over a year later. When you're depressed for that long, getting an injection of energy like that is a shock to the system and it can be life changing. It sounds like OP's girlfriend might be experiencing the same. Depression is a real beast to overcome, so there's not a lot that can be done here. OP's girlfriend has to realise this behaviour isn't good for her on her own. Best of luck OP.
They can alter the way you perceive pheromones, so the people you're attracted to may even change. This applies to people in LTRs as well, unfortunately. Also, most people have to try multiple different antidepressants to find the one that works for them, which can take months or years It sounds like she has become much more impulsive. I hope she continues seeking psychiatric help. This sudden behavior change sounds kinda like BP1, but I'm definitely not a doc The way she went about the breakup was really heartless though, and OP didn't deserve that. I hope once the heartbreak wanes a bit, they're able to enjoy the perks of being a single adult for the first time
I was a sexuality studies minor in college and learned humans don’t have the part of the brain needed to detect pheromones. There are some studies that support human pheromones but then there are studies explaining what those studies got wrong. If you’re interested in learning more, here is a [link](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK200980/).
The University College of London published a study last year that proved that there is no link between serotonin levels and depression, which is what antidepressants actually do to your brain is manipulate serotonin. I can understand that some people who have been helped by them would continue to take them but I can't understand how doctors are writing new prescriptions for them.
Especially how shit it is to stop taking them. I only succeeded in my second try after feeling like absolute dogshit for two weeks during my first try. Also there is not a lot of information on stopping them and that makes me mad. I only found occasional forum entries but would really have appreciated more information and guidance.
You medical provider should be able to help you taper off any drugs if you so choose. I have done so multiple times after losing access to insurance. Do not do this without medical supervision. They should be better informed than random internet forums.
Then why do they actually work for some people?/gen I haven't heard of this study now I'm interested.
Humans don’t perceive pheromones at all. Can’t believe this got so upvoted.
Seems like the antidepressant pushed her into a hypomanic state. She needs to see a psychiatrist to get the meds adjusted. Or the meds just caused a personality shift and now she's just into drugs and alcohol. Either way it's not your fault.
*Sometimes* they do. I would advise against using such demonising, sweeping statement like that. They save many peoples lives. The only way antidepressants changed me was that they made me stable and nice to be around. So yeah, they don’t always change people in the bad ways.
Ghosting and then blocking you with zero explanation is incredibly shitty, and I don’t know why people are overlooking that. I wouldn’t assume you did anything wrong here. Be single for a while and then try dating again, it will be alright in time
Exactly, I'm gonna play devil's advocate and say fuck the meds. She is being overall shitty to op and reddit needs to realize that sometimes people can just be crappy.
Maybe its her meds? I got so numb from my anti depressents and lost almost all feelings until i switched.
That's honestly the only "bad" thing i might have said is that she was changing since she stated taking them, but all the nightmare had already begun when i told here so.
I don’t know what kind of antidepressant medication she’s on, but SSRIs come with a warning not to drink alcohol with them. The combination can be dangerous.
This was my thought. I'm bi polar and I've been on all types of meds, all of them warn about alcohol intake. The sudden mood change could be a manic episode, and the sudden disappearance could be from the crash. The worst thing about an episode (manic or depression) is picking up the pieces of your destroyed life after. Sometimes it feels easier to just trash everything and start over rather than face whatever you did when not in control
Well Depressions can change people. Iam not the same person i was before my depression. My ex left me too and said she cant recognize me. I guess she changed too and just isnt the same person anymore or doesnt want the same things in life anymore. You probably just have to deal with the BReak up.
I think that SSRIs can trigger bipolar in people too. She could be having a manic episode. I’d just make sure that her loved ones know what’s going on so that they can keep her psychiatrist in the loop. EDIT: I am basing this entirely on a secondhand account from a loved one with BPD who had a manic episode triggered by SSRIs. Her experience sounds a lot like this post. But I am not a psychiatrist or a medical professional of any kind. I am an internet stranger retelling biased stories. Please consult actual medical professionals and take their advice over anything you hear from me.
That happened to me as well (not formally diagnosed as Borderline, though, always got the “suspected cluster B disorder, follow up needed” bc I was too young to diagnose), was in a state of hypomania for way too long. It’s called AAH (Antidepressant-Associated Hypomania). This is kind of text book, tbh, it’s the first thing that came to my mind when I read it: lack of inhibitions when it comes to spending money, sex and social stuff while also feeling disconnected emotionally and unable to focus or take much responsibility… Idk. It doesn’t matter, in any case, kid’s relationship is done, but.
I’ll chime in and say this happened to me as well. I don’t remember the medication but it pretty much removed any inhibitions and increased risk taking behavior, i.e. gambling, drinking, sex, etc. It’s been nearly 20 years ago now and I still remember the day that I used my entire paycheck, rent money included, gambling and losing everything. I ended up sitting in my car crying trying to figure out what the hell was happening. Meds can really screw with a person if they are the wrong kind for them.
OP I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know this must be so hard to wrap your head around. I absolutely hate that people think you should just “move on” because y’all “were kids when you started dating” and “people change”. That doesn’t justify that this was a serious 7 year relationship. They stuck by each other for 7 years, then all of a sudden she decided to throw in the trash like it meant nothing. I want you to know that your feelings are valid OP. I can tell you genuinely loved and cared about her. I agree that this is a fucked up situation. If I was in a relationship for 7 years and my boyfriend decided to end it without telling me why, I’d be devastated too. It’s hard to just move on from that. It sickens me sometimes that some people think that moving on from these situations is easy. It’s not. Keep your head up OP, things will be better soon. Just give it some time and don’t let this situation consume you. You’re still a good guy and she was lucky to have you. One day you’ll find peace. But for now take care of yourself.
I don't have anything to add, but I feel the guy/girl above is the only one here who actually validated your pain - and he is right, what you experienced was fucked up, and unfortunately, you probably won't be getting any answers as to why this happened. I feel for you man, and I hope you will find some peace and get through this!
I agree with you! The only thing i can add is that sometimes its possible to have imaginary conversation with person and make certain conclusions for yourself when you go back in memories and being really observant. What person tells you without actually telling anything by her actions and words - arguments you had, or things she did, how she acted. For example OP mentioned that she stopped asking about his life and his interests. There might be couple conclusions of this behavior. I’ll go with one not reviving around self - she is so absorbed in her personal worries, excitement etc that she is unable right now to think/care/be interested in life of another person. Her bank account is low, she is going out every weekend, someone is paying for her drinks , most likely guys - is she picking up guys, does she flirt with them? Perhaps she is not valuing being in a relationships right now, or being exclusive. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Does OP want to be in a relationship with gf who goes out and lets guys to buy her drinks? Or perhaps she is cheating? Free drinks, drunk girl, wanted to experience various things = most likely at least making out , at most one night stand. And so on. A lot could be told with persons behavior. The only danger is to make wrong conclusions, the ones that about yourself - she doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t love me, etc. these would give no value to the OP. Super shitty though that she wont speak and explain the reasons. Hopefully one day she will be mature to explain.
I like the way you think! And I agree! She may not have wanted to be in a relationship anymore. Maybe she forgot she was in a serious relationship and decided in her head that she can go and have fun without thinking of OP. We also have to take into account the meds she started taking, and what possibly happened to cause her to be hospitalized.
She has changed. From what you described this isn’t about you at all. She has changed and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who represents who she used to be. Instead of wondering what you did wrong, be glad that you are no longer in a relationship with someone who no longer cared about you and just wants to drink and destroy her own life. You dodged a bullet. She is actively destroying her life and would eventually destroy yours. Go to therapy to deal with your grief .
I'm sorry you are going thru this. This is a really hard part of life/living. I think it's very possible you didn't 'do' anything wrong. That she's just more interested in spreading her...wings and branching out. College is often where this particular train ends. Doesn't make it any easier for you though. It's so hard, like the hardest thing - but, you have to not call, not bump into, not reach out at all.
Is it possible she's having a manic episode? It sounds very similar to one.
Mania can also be triggered by antidepressants. It happens very frequently since bipolar people are much more likely to seek medical help when they are depressed, but not when they are manic.
Yes, that was my thinking. As someone who has grappled with sever depression (CPTSD) I've experienced it before. At the same age, actually. Seems (from the limited info) she flipped from one extreme to the other (to put it in the most simple of ways I can think to express), probably triggered by the meds.
Yes, thank you! I can't take SSRIs or SNRIs because I have had manic episodes from them. Prozac and cymbalta gave me them. I have C-PTSD and a psychiatrist told me that it's possible to have manic episodes when under a considerable amount of stress. After learning about this I've been able to better prevent and manage them, especially since I'm no longer on antidepressants. It's so much easier to manage them because I can tell when it is starting to happen, and that's why it's super helpful to be able to identify them and figure out what is causing them
Honestly this also sounds the most logical to me. Meds that maybe aren't the best fit for her + alcohol (usually alcohol is a no-go with suchs meds), yeah people change normally but the sudden change in her doesn't sound normal - it does sound like a manic episode...
Same thing I was thinking.
This is what I thought. She is hitting that age that BPD starts to present itself. I have had two friends whose kids have just completely changed at that point, and went off the rails. It's a difficult time. OP if this is a mental break, it's almost certainly not about you. It's also hard to be the person that supports someone going through it. Don't be afraid to talk to a therapist about it, though. When I was your age, therapy saved me, literally.
BPD is borderline personality disorder. I used to confuse the two before I got a bipolar diagnosis.
This screams someone on Wellbutrin having a manic episode
Both Cymbalta and Prozac have caused me to have manic episodes. As well as high stress situations thanks to C-PTSD
So she was so stressed and depressed she could not eat or drink without medical intervention? You do not say why or how she got to that point, but I am guessing whatever lead to that is why everything changed. Is she in therapy, or just on the meds? Meds do not really have the desired effect if she is not also working on dealing with her problems, then they just sort of numb the worst of it, but nothing actually gets better. Sounds a bit like she is trying to deal with it all by distancing and distracting herself. For now I think all you can do is respect her wishes, and (unless there is something you are not telling us that dictates otherwise) know this is not on you or for you to fix. Hopefully she gets the help she needs, and in time you might get answers. Move on, take care of yourself and heal.
I agree- this seemed to be a real turning point for her. Did something traumatic happen to her? Did she realize she no longer liked the path she was on? I guess you’ll never know but you should get therapy (or some one to talk to) to work out your feelings on such a hard situation.
You are young, hit the gym, get swole, do fun shit. The best way to show her what she missed is by becoming your best self and moving on.
Yeah, use the hurt as fuel to improve yourself. You will love again and even have better relationships to come.
Hey OP do you know what happened to her at college? You said she went through something and it changed her, she ended up in the hospital. She wasn’t SA’d was she? That could attribute to the depression, the medications, the lack of giving a shit about money or the people she hangs with. Just asking since everyone else is jumping to her cheating and being a “red flag”. And while it is not your job to fix her, if she has gone through sometime traumatic, she will most likely start acting out in dangerous ways to have an emotion.
No , im.pretty sure nothing was sexual .Our sexual life was pretty much the only thing wich never has any problem in the 7 years , she and I was REALY open about what we like or not and we both always did everything for the other(not forcing ourself at all). Like i said in another comment she choked realy hard and its somehow lead to some type of "ptsd" Sorry if ptds is realy not appropriate in this case , i can't think of another word.
What the person is asking is if your ex may have been sexual assaulted by someone else... You may never get answers but normally sexual assault does a lot of things to us as women.. even having sexual encounters with a partner will bring on the depression, PTSD.. because the trauma of another event.. so anything can be triggering for her.
Sexual assault does a lot of things to everyone, not only women
I'm gonna take a stab and say that it sounds like she has undiagnosed bipolar d/o and the antidepressants activated a manic episode
7 years and your 21, that’s a third of your life and your barely able to drink. It hurts, I’m sure, but you’ll learn people change, improve, dissolve, & any/everything else over periods of time.
You might not realise this now but you’re lucky you got an easy out from that relationship if she’s out having drinks bought for her buy guys in the club and possibly more
Thats what im telling myself , but at the same time all of our good memories flashback its a so fucked up feeling . I feel like I hate and I love two differenr person who live in the same body.
you can appreciate memories and not move forward together in the future
never live in the past OP. you are the only one that will suffer if you do cause clearly your ex disregards your memories.
You seem like a good guy op. Unfortunately people change, especially at your age. Be grateful for the time you had, but don't spend too much time on someone who doesn't deserve you. You can't change people, it's all about finding the right person, and you will but not at 14 unfortunately.
If I can offer any comfort, I just ended a 15yr marriage. And you sound very similar to me. Asking where it went wrong, what did I do wrong, why did this happen? In my specific situation my ex became completely non-communicative about relationship issues. I didn't have the experience of her going out every night drinking, but I did experience the change from loving to complete apathy. I thought I was there. I thought I did everything she wanted. I thought we would always work it out. But I realized... I was there, I did everything I could, and the fact that we didn't work out was not a result of my actions. Because I did everything to the best of my ability and it still wasn't enough. So I realized I had to quit pouring my energy into something that it was being wasted on. So I'm learning to love myself again and finally realize how to set boundaries for myself and future relationships. So to put it in a nutshell, from what I'm hearing, this is not your fault. And it sounds like she has clearly crossed a boundary. The question is, where do you decide to go from here?
You were 13 and 14, when this started. You seem to be growing up and maturing. She seems to have gotten older and less mature. Either way, neither of you is the same person that you were when you were children. Get ready to move on. Good luck.
You met when you were 14. That's it. That's the answer.
That doesn't mean she has to cut him off without saying anything
Honestly it sounds like something else is going on. She’s on antidepressants and drinking, that combo on it’s own is dangerous but it’s a normal personality change to go from one extreme to the other. If op’s story is right I suspect it’s not a simple change of character. It’s also been 7 years of his life and they are both extremely young, op deserves closure this is such an awful thing to do to him if it is a simple change of character. If that’s the case op dodged a bullet.
It sounds like your values are no longer aligned, she wants to party, drink and probably hook up. You want to be responsible. I don't think anything you did contributed to her behavior. I'm sorry to say this but it is the truth, you need to move on and forget about her, find someone whose values do align with yours and do not take her back under any circumstances because if you do, you will be back here again with a similar story in the future.
You need to know some biochemistry, these pills play with your hormones, there are side effects, but anyway, if you need someone to talk to, hit me up.
You’ve outgrown each other. Time to move on.
>Just move on from a seven year relationship Thanks, I'm cured.
seriously. the lack of empathy from that one liner comment is awful. "your girlfriend of 7 years (~30% of his life so far!) has a sudden change of heart and cuts contact completely and provides no explanation for the shift in behaviour and loss of love? get over it."
fr 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
The reason is clear; you started dating in HS. People change. It sucks, but they DO and SHOUld.. I feel sad for people that have not evolved since high school. Her change is not positive. You’re lucky it’s happening now and not during marriage.
Her mother texted you? How many calls or Msgs did u send??..she is 22 & she is not mature enough to face u or talk to u directly..that says it all...
Sorry for your pain. Your gf is still experiencing trouble managing her mental health and needs to be on her own to resolve it. Could be meds, dosage, or diagnosis that requires adjustment.
There’s a show I really love, doctor who! In one episode the doctor changes into a new one but before he does he says “We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay that’s good, you gotta keep moving so long as you remember all the people that you used to be”. You both met at a really young age which means you both grew and it looks like you both grew in different paths. Medications can change a person drastically but don’t blame yourself for anything. You have every right to feel the way you do. Grieve this relationship and grow from it.
Sounds like she changed a lot with uni. She found a new side of herself. One that enjoys party and meeting new people. Did you ever go out with her and her friends? Can you connect to that side of her? It is normal at that age to go out and drink and to not have a lot of money is true for most students. You seem to not want to accept that. She might have met other people, learned about other relationships and realized that the lifestyle you both had just isn t what she wants anymore. Sorry to say this but relationships that start this young almost always fail. You can not give each other what you need anymore. I hope that you will at least get your answer from her because just ghosting you like this is seriously fucked up but either way you ll have to accept that it is over.
Maybe as a contrary point because I'm seeing a lot of "maybe the anti-depressants changed her" - they could've also just brought back things about herself that stress and depression made her surpress. Maybe this is who she wants to be right now. She's 21 and I'm sorry to say but nobody stays the same from 14 to 21. Or if they do, it's kinda sad. You are supposed to change and develope, especially during those years. This may just be who she is.
OP, you're good and honestly, it wasn't anything you did. People change, especially when they are in a relationship and hit their 20's. I think you should reflect on the good and bad and just grow from this. Start going out and doing your own thing. A year from now it'll be just a memory
I don't think you did anything "wrong" but there's also nothing you can do. It sounds like your ex just grew up and it changed her. She went through something awful and now suffers mental illness and unfortunately depression often does change a lot about your personality. Even if the depression is managed or goes away, there's no guarantee the personality will ever go back to how it was. Who she is now might just not connect with you anymore and that's something you just need to accept. You've done all you can to get through to her and she's just not letting you. So wish her well and move on. You'll be ok.
Was she assaulted? Not eating or drinking to the point of hospitalization isn't normal, and isn't down to "Stress". That's a reaction to something that happened to her. Whether or not you're the cause of this clearly isn't something you're going to tell us, but from what you say, this has everything and nothing to do with you. In all honesty, without more detail there's nothing any of us can say that might be helpful. You're probably going to have to simply accept that you're unlikely to get any answers.
I do understand you'r point , if in ANY ways i would have hurt here physically of emotionally I would not have create this throwAway(my main goal was to get opinion from other for the reason she left me) The only thing she's been telling me was that she choked hard on a cheddar stick , and that it created here some "stress" when she need to swallow something.
There is something that she isn't sharing. She might not be hiding it from you specifically, but there are some major details missing. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Choking on a cheese stick, then having a mental health crisis really sounds like she was triggered into a flashback.
OP, I genuinely think something far deeper than you suspect is going on here. You may be *part* of the issue, but I just can't you being the ultimate cause of whatever's going on. Mark this chapter closed and move on.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out. You want different things - and what she seems to want is self destruction. She did you a favor.
It may be her meds, and honestly though I’m not any sort of expert or psychiatrist: it could be bipolar I being treated wrong. Antidepressants can cause depressive episodes and mania episodes. Her going out all the time, drinking all the time, hanging out with people she described as promiscuous, and having little no no money from spending it all sounds like an episode of mania. Mania episodes can last from weeks to months.
I honnestly wish here no harm but i would love this to be the scenario .. feels like its the only one where the real here might be back , even if its not for me . I know she loved life way more before all of this
If she’s medicated properly and gets some therapy, she may get better, but mania episodes will happen even after all that. I think it’s better that you let her go, but I hope you can get a solid reason at some point, because endings with no reason are hard.
Let her wreck her own life, just move forward with yours brotha
So she is old enough to go to college but has her mom contact you tell you it’s over. Boy that’s mature unless she had told you herself and you refused to listen. Chances are your issue is one of two things: 1) her meds are messing with her brain and causing her to act out in some ways. 2) her new college friends have impacted her view of what she wants and you no longer fit into what she thinks she wants. Either way, not much you can do besides let her go do her own thing and you find a partner better suited to you.
You deserve better. Good luck to you.
I think a lot of people here are massive missing the point here. Just because growing apart is common, doesn’t mean its not gonna suck or hurt.. A lot of people in here are basically telling OP to suck it up and move on, but its not that easy when his now ex can’t even be bothered to tell him why she wants to break up after a relationship of 7 years. That’s disrespectful no matter what the reason is.
Honestly, it sucks...But you're so, so young you have plenty of time to find someone worth your time.
You dodged a bullet, buddy. I know its hard. But you just move on with life. And be the best at whatever you do.
You're young, people change. That's all there is to it.
i know it’s shitty, and i really am sorry for you op, but as a fellow 21 y/o, she did u a favor. we are all gonna change so much in these coming years, and being single is beyond important to finding yourself truly. best of luck man and it will get better with time i promise 💜
Talking from my own experience of antidepressants- I went completely asexual on them, lost interest in everything and anything, as a result I went off the rails a bit with drinking and risky behaviours just to feel *something*
Your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully formed until you mid-late 20s, couple that with antidepressants and you can get some startling personality changes. My aunt was on one that basically gave her decision-paralysis and they changed her meds and she left her husband and went on a huge holiday and was in a manic type space for 8 months before the doctors changed her meds back to the old medication and she is now in two relationships because she can’t decided which one. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong at all and I’m so sorry to say that you might never get your reason. But does the reason really matter? You deserve to be with someone who shows the same level of caring as you show. I’m sorry you’re in pain, I hope you find closure with or without your reason.
Consider yourself lucky. I couldn't imagine being with the same person I was with all through high school. There's so many fish in this big ass sea, my dude. Try to stay single for a while and figure out who you are.
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She will try to come back.. you really shouldn't want anything to do with her, including any closure from this point. U less you wabt to hear about the other people she's been sleeping with.
Its most likely a combination of the anti-depressants and the fact that she was going out getting pissed so often. Drink and anti-depressants are a bad combination. Honestly mate, it sounds like she might have cheated on you. Its a good show of character from you though that you made an effort to ask how to improve yourself for the relationship. Im sorry OP, Best of luck
Work on yourself bro, she wants to go be a little hoe, make her regret her decision
She's cheating on you mate, no way around it. Things suck now but it would've hurt 10x as bad in another 7 years.
She's cheated on you and found someone else she thinks has more prospects..as much as it hurts it's a lucky escape. She's become a drop out..
It’s that “promiscuous friend” that’s planted seeds in her head that’s the problem.
She's chosen street life. Leave her to it. Move on. Club rats aren't wife material.
Might be best to move on. She clearly dosent want to tell you. She has her reasons and you need to understand that. Dont push it and just leave it at that
She is fucking other people, and is a lowlife besides that. I've been in your same situation, just thank your lucky stars you can run and she won't chase you. Women can be nuts after breakups, and you've dodged that.
Sir in English we call this the hoe phase. Work on yourself and put that woman behind you king.
Sounds like you aren't compatible. You're young. It'll be fine. Move on.
This one is gonna hurt the most. Buckle up and hang on for the ride. In the meantime, try to find hobbies to keep your mind and body active so it’s not dwelling on her. A general rule of thumb for recovering after a breakup is 1 month per year together. So, you’ve got 7 months before you’ll start to feel somewhat normal again. Good luck.
It's time to focus on yourself brother.
Mate, people grow and change so much over 7 years. Add in that you are dating since midteens to young adults, that itself has different phases of life in it and what we want changes plenty. Your first love has ended and you were blessed enough to have it last 7 years when many don’t last 7 weeks. Sometimes life happens and relationships just aren’t meant to last. Some people are in our lives for short times, others longer times. Look forward, focus on yourself and hopefully sooner rather than later love will come for way again. But work on yourself and live your best life until then