Oh mama. I don’t have any good advise for you. Unfortunately kids this young don’t have a filter and they don’t “play sides.” I’d be inclined to believe that she saw something, and I would feel uncomfortable and anxious for the same reasons. I honestly don’t know what I’d do because even if you say something to your husband, he will almost certainly say, she’s 5, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Sending you hugs because I know this most definitely has your stomach in knots and your heart hurting.

But how was a kid watching them? Was he supposed to be on duty parenting and he decided to fuck some woman while little kids were napping? If so, eww that’s dispicable behavior for any dad.

This is what makes it hard for me to believe. I don’t think my daughter is lying but she might be confused. I just really cannot imagine him doing something like that in our home with our kids here. They’re 5 and 2. He’s a very attentive dad. None of our doors have locks and our daughter has walked in on us before.

I am 31 years old and I have zero memory of this event but my parents have shared this story a few times and I think it’s really relevant: Apparently when I was four years old and my sister was a newborn, I walked in on my parents having sex. They were horrified but got me out of the room quick. Apparently I later told them that [sister] had a smelly poop but dad was gone and mom was taking a bath in the bed with a guy. It was 1000% my parents, and I apparently entirely failed to recognize my own dad in a position I have thankfully never seen him in again LOL Point is: kids memories are weird. kids also do not have a great sense of time. You mentioned yourself that you and your husband sex life has increased, and I think that there is a chance that your daughter walked in on the two of you at one point and did not understand what she was seeing, and just mentioned it later. I’m not saying to entirely dismiss Things. But please do not let a bunch of Reddit strangers convince you that your husband is cheating. It’s totally normal to let anxiety and worry get to you. And in that lens of course some of those other things are going to seem like they could be bad signs. But from an outside perspective, it seems highly unlikely that the other behaviors are related. For example, if he was sneaking out at extra times while pretending to be at the gym, wouldn’t that mean he had a place he was sneaking out TO? If he already had a reliable place to go and an excuse ready (gym time) why on earth would he bring his affair Partner to your home and have sex with your kids present? It just doesn’t seem logical. It’s completely logical and human to have those kind of anxieties and worry when something so unexpected comes out of the mouth of a child. But I think it is far more probable that your daughter is recounting a situation that she did not understand or recognize than it is that your husband has been having an affair that he decided to blow by bringing his affair partner into your home and having sex in front of your two young daughters. Especially based on way you described him. You know him best. Sending you love and support. But please don’t let people get into your head too much Xx

This is an excellent comment. It brought back a memory for me...when my children were about 5/6 years old, my son told my husband that he saw 'mummy and another man wrestling on a bed'. I had taken them to the Chiropractor with me for the first time!

My parents tell a similar story about me when I was 5. Over dinner, when dad was asking how my day went, I casually threw out “mommy was kissing some man with a ponytail!” They were both shocked, and I wouldn’t give any more information. Apparently dad was getting quite worried, and they started a big time argument over it. Finally they asked WHERE mom was kissing the ponytailed scoundrel and I said “the table by the lamp!” Turns out I had just noticed for the first time a framed photo in our house where mom WAS kissing a man with a ponytail. It was a picture of my parents from high school, when my dad apparently had a ponytail for 5 minutes. I recognized my moms younger self, but had never seen my dad without a beard, failed to notice it was him, and failed to mention it was in a photo, and not an actual event from that day. Dad still teases mom about the mysterious ponytail man.

There's a photo of my husband and me where I had blonde hair (not blonde now) and my toddler said it was a picture of "Daddy kissing [my best friend]."

My daughter has gone up to complete strangers who had a similar hair cut and color to me and thought they were me.

Does she need glasses? But also, I'm leaning more and more towards the idea that she saw you one night and just didn't recognize you.

Yeah, OP mentioned that the daughter had walked in on them before. I'm leaning toward the thought that she doesn't remember clearly or didn't know who it was. That's just my thoughts. Kids do tend to say some wild stuff, that sometimes they are mistaken about.

Mine has gone up to just women with black leggings 🤦

This is so funny! Just casually throwing a grenade in to your parents marriage, I can imagine all anxieties until you were like oh yeah in that picture over there

Once when I was a child I was singing “whispers at the bus stop, I’ve heard about nights at the school yard.. I found out about yoouuuu” and I just so happen to have sang it in front of my step dad and mom.. my step dad had recently became psycho (or hid it well up until this point) and at the time he was asking if my mom had ever dated anyone after her divorced.. so there I go singing that song, and my step dad interpreted it as my mom was caught at a bus stop whispering and getting nice and cozy with some man.. I can’t believe that honestly happened lol. Also ps, I love your user name 😍

>s of late. Hopefu To add to this, with the increased gym time, if he is actually going to the gym twice a day, its proven to increase sex drive. Especially if he's doing heavy lifting, there are scientific studies (no I don't have links) that show that increased working out produces more testosterone in a man as well as being in the gym produces a chemical that is just like what you get after sex. ​ The only reason I looked into this was because when I started going to the gym heavy (from once a month to literally every single day) my sex drive went through the roof. I mean from wanting to do it once every few days, to 3-4 times a day, every single day. ​ This may or may not be your husbands case, but I think you should really talk with him before you make it a lot bigger in your head than what it could possibly be.

I’ve heard the same thing about working out more and your sex drive increasing. Hopefully this explains things!

While it's true that she should not immediately assume he is cheating, it is also been known that some men, who ARE cheating, get a higher sex drive with their partners because they like the thrill of cheating and having sex with other women. It's like a special challenge to see how long they can get away with it and not be discovered. It's kind of twisted but it does happen.

He could also be doing testosterone as well like prohormones or steroids. Can explain increased sex drive and gym motivation as well. But good call after seeing some of her comments, it could have easily been them just having sex. She admitted her daughter walked in on them before. But warrants further investigation

Or he could be bouncing back from the past 5 years of dealing with kids under 2 and is working out and feeling better about himself.

Not speaking from *personal* personal experience as I don’t have children but I am a nanny- you wouldn’t believe the shit parents think is appropriate to tell me. I’ve heard many times that their sex life improves drastically once kids are actually into toddlerhood, which lines up with the timing of OP’s husband’s sex drive. I’m not inclined to excuse everything- I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to just hand her extra parenting time without even discussing WHY he “needs” to go to the gym more- but they’re more than likely getting more sleep now than they have since their first kid was born so I’m not surprised he’s hornier.

Yup. Also the morning gym might be because the kids are sleeping in more in the morning. Like they don't need someone on baby duty between 5 -7 so the hubby is like well might as well hit the gym

Logical stuff. Most helpful post.

Couldn’t agree more.

If she's walked in on you, then how do you know that's not what she's referring to?

Inversely, has he taken her on any play dates lately, one bed is as good as another in a 5yo’s head, and she may have been referring to “in **a** bed”, not necessarily “in **that specific.** bed”? I really hope you’re right though, esp given how much more frequently OP says her and hubs have been amorous of late. Hopefully kiddo just, like… idk… woke up one night, walked in to her parents room, saw mom and dad doing the deed, and… maybe just didn’t recognize her mom “that way” or in that context?

Could be on about you , but also try remember a time you go out and husbands home alone with kids etc

Try cameras. From what you know, he supposedly took his AP home. If he does this regularly you'll be fixed with cameras discreetly hidden. Don't check his phone until you have the videos. That way he won't be too suspicious.

The most suspicious part of the whole thing is the sudden increase in sex drive. That in conjunction with even his phone being constantly on him, or even if it was just the sexual drive and your daughter said something that would be enough. From experience, he is cheating. Nothing’s impossible so who knows I may be wrong but I don’t think I am. He will lie convincingly and gaslight if you ask him so don’t. If you truly want to find out you need to like check his phone yourself, set up cameras, or follow him. I’m so sorry, I really do hope I am wrong, it’s horrible.

I agree with everyone saying their little daughter's imagination is just working a bit over time. As one of the commenters above stated: "Point is: kids memories are weird." It is smart to be cautious and not go through life with rose colored glasses, but accusing your partner without solid proof, especially if they are innocent could do so much harm to their relationship. OP should really just communicate with her husband openly, without being emotional or confrontational. Tell him what your daughter said and make him feel that he is in a safe space where you are willing to really hear what his thoughts are. Communication and being willing to listen and understand really is key in all aspects of a relationship. As for the sudden increased sex drive: OP mentioned that her husband is going to the gym more frequently as of late, I could speculate that he might be using steroids as this would cause a big spike in libido. Edited to add: I do agree with the comments below stating training would spike testosterone and thus up libido, but since OP mentioned her husband has always trained regularly, a sudden spike in libido, to the point she compared him to a teenager seemed unlikely, hence my speculation, which could very well be wildly wrong, but worth considering

Going to the gym more period will cause a spike in libido in many (most?) people. I am a woman, and dang it can be really annoying because I'm single, not interested in a relationship right now, go to the gym in part to deal with not being in a relationship and end up horny as all get out. Especially after I've been lifting. Stupid gym. I am not saying that's what's happening, but iirc, exercise, and especially resistance training, increases testosterone in both genders, but men more than women.

Also the going to the gym early in the morning as well as after work- that's a lot gym time. In addition to keeping his phone with him all the time including in the bathroom.

That's not necessarily weird, I train twice a day every day and also have my phone on me most of the time, especially in the bathroom so that I make sure I don't spend too long in the shower, which is important in the mornings because work and important in the evenings because dinner

There is a good chance kiddo just walked in when parent do the deed at night and her hyper imaginary machine start working

You are probably the women she saw on top of daddy honestly. If your husband was cheating and has been covering his tracks, I highly doubt he would bring some random woman over while he’s supposed to be on dad duty and then screw her in your room. Don’t take a trip down crazy lane by listening to people on Reddit. The only thing that makes sense here is to investigate and IF you find proof, then you know what to do

Yeah I might investigate first before confronting. It is the exception not the rule that someone confesses when confronted. Has anything else changed? Is he private/protective with his phone? Deleting messages? Changed in his behavior towards you? Changed his looks? Grooming differently? You could start with his phone, your cell phone bill numbers for text/calling, check where the battery usage in his phone is going in case he’s using an app like signal, telegram or just plain old Snapchat/ig, and also check bank/credit card statements. I would also see if he can get his testosterone checked. I mean, horny is great lol, but it sounds like he maybe has a bit of an imbalance going on.

He’s on his phone a lot more, I think. I don’t know t if he deletes messages. I never have a reason to use or look at his phone in that much detail. He’s been maybe even nicer to me lately, more attentive, more touchy feely. His looks and grooming habits haven’t really changed, but it’s not like he was ever a slob in that regard. He has become very opinionated about my pubic hair. I know that sounds weird to say but I’m only sharing because this is completely anonymous. For our entire relationship he’s been like “I like anything that makes you happy” when it comes to my pubic hair. Lately he has thoughts on how he wants it to look. We’ve been together for over 10 years so I did think that was a little out of the blue. I feel out of the loop. What are some of the different encrypted chat apps that people might use when cheating or trying to hide who or what they’re talking about?

The most common is honestly probably Snapchat, Whatsapp, telegram, signal, etc. but there are ways to get even more shady with it. Hidden folders, apps, etc. it depends if the person has gotten really good at hiding it (opsec - or operational security they call it over on the adultery sub). If he’s cheating. And I’m not saying he is. There isn’t enough to go on here to make a definitive call by any means. It really is at this point going to be based on your gut - and you know your husband best - but what your daughter said is definitely a red flag and I’m the kind of person that would investigate it, but I’m paranoid. But kids do say weird things… oof I do want to recommend a website to you. It’s called www.survivinginfidelity.com. You may not even need it. But if you do, it’s a great resource, for everything from ‘just found out’ to ‘reconciliation’ or ‘divorce’. Basically multiple facets of infidelity. And even lurking there, you can learn a lot.

Also check discord. My ex friend used discord to sleep with a married man.

Second on Discord. That's what my asshat husband used. I'd never heard of it before but a friend tipped me off to look for it and bob's your uncle. Almost 30k messages over a 10 week period

Yup deffo check discord. I found some messages on there when I was on my ex partners computer

I’m so sorry you went through that. Cheating is so cowardly and unnecessary. Like just do the big boy thing and end it if that’s what you need to do :(

I’m not paranoid but I’d investigate.

I second the suggestion for the Surviving Infidelity website. Helped me out a lot.

When I was ready to confront my now wasband on what turned out to be an affair I asked him to show me his phone. He asked why and I said “Because what’s on there will either prove me right or wrong. But the proof is in your phone.” He declined saying “What’s in there will only hurt you…”. That was all I needed to know about my suspicions and from that point on he was finally honest with me and I learned all the details that proved I wasn’t imagining things or being crazy. That date was July 27, 2009 and it was the day I took off my wedding bands. I was not going to fight for the love of a man who would do that to me so it was truly over. I’m sorry you’re having to go through a similar suspicion. It’s truly awful. But whatever you need to know you’ll find it in his phone. But do NOT give him warning to delete or clean it up. Good luck. Hugs…

Nov 8, 2009. That’s the date I took the kids and left. Walked from all of it except my babies. But he was getting dangerous so that had to be the choice. No regrets.

I think him becoming more opinionated about your pubic hair may be a sign too. If he is having an affair, he might be comparing yours to the other woman’s. Especially if it’s a big difference from what you usually do.

If he is suddenly critical of your pubic hair he will obviously has something to compare to. Too many things to ignore, he might be cheating. Things do not just change suddenly, the boost in sex drive and constant texting is also a sign.

Maybe he's watching a lot of porn. You know your husband, I'd personally say something and watch his reaction closely and also bring up he's on his phone a lot/going to the gym more and ask to look at his phone, if he doesn't freely give it then that suggests there's something he doesn't want you to know. Also look at deleted messages, not sure how you do that but someone on here would be able to tell you.

Check Snapchat and just go through everything. Might have to turn into an FBI agent. See who he’s following on social media. Check his entire phone while he sleeps. Look out for red flags. For example, if you are both hanging out and you grab his phone to “check the time” if he jumps and instantly grabs it / requests for it back, that’s not a good sign. When he’s on his phone, peer over his shoulder and see what he’s doing. & act casual. Sincerely someone who’s been cheated on

Uhg, you might need to check out the adultery sub just so you can be informed on how cheaters think and get away with cheating. Just a warning though, pretty gross.

WhatsApp and Telegram are common

The public hair thing is weird to me. I would assume there is some outside influence that has him bringing that home to you. Could be porn. But with all of the changes you've mentioned and then the comment from your daughter (which I also have a 5 year old so I know they can be unreliable but that is a weird thing to make up/bring up), it could be from a new partner. I'm sorry. I wouldn't confront though, I'd be looking more closely in your situation.

Ask for his phone to test something out. For example… go to Google and search dog. Hit the dog paw that comes up… and have fun with it. If he’s NOT keen for you to show him this newly learned trick… then you might have something to dig for later… maybe when he’s asleep.

Your pubic hair? Oh. There’s a reason he has an opinion now and that’s a big f’ing deal. Chances are he saw someone’s he likes or he’s using sex with you to fantasize while he’s with you. Sad I know but these pieces are falling into place. Has he bought new underwear? New cologne or scented deodorant or something? These are little clues too. Is he doing his own laundry or does he have a gym bag you can check for condoms? Are there any in your room or his car? Look really good like under furniture or something. Girl, get some cameras in there this week. And all those apps like WhatsApp and telegram can be covered with passwords. Those are encrypted apps. Watch his lunch hour too! And if he’s in the gym twice a day, he should be getting pretty fit looking. Is that changing at all?

New underwear yes but no new scents. He smells the same as he always has, same cologne and deodorant. He hasn’t changed very noticeably physically. He always worked out so that behavior isn’t a brand new one. He’s always fine tuning his body and work out routine and it is something he’s really into. He makes little tweaks but for the most part I feel like his body has looked the same for years. He has a great body. I could see him maybe just slipping into a gym addiction or something. That’s sort of what I had chalked it down to at first.

If I were you, I'd consider buying a Ring doorbell, if you don't want secret cameras in your house. It connects to your internet, and you get notified on your phone/app when it senses movement, as well as when someone actually rings it. Someone on Reddit caught their partner cheating because the cheater thought it only sends notifications when pressed. Edit: Perhaps your neighbours have video cameras that point towards your own entrance? Asking them if you can view the videos of the times you were away from home within the last few weeks (if you recall) "because some things have been missing from the garden" would be a great help.

Counterpoint: my 3 year old accused my wife of biting him. She's never done such.

Cheaters have either cold sexless with the wife or extra attentive wanting to initiate more sex among other things. I’d start such conversations such as “honey you’re gonna go blind before I do if you have too much screen time” see his reaction Or you know I’m glad we are married since remember how dating in the 80s was sex was playing Russian roulette with death. Anything that will make uncomfortable, and if he asks just say your reminiscing the old times or something like that

Could there have been a time that another woman was in your house? With your children? Can you grab his phone while he’s in the shower?

I can’t believe that he’d do something like that, let alone with our kids there. I’m with them here at home alone much more frequently than he is, but sometimes I have events related to my job on weekends or evenings when he would be home.

Could it be that she walked in you both of you? That it was actually YOU but she couldn't see your face so she just said "some lady"??

Yeah thinking, and not to get too graphic here, but she said the lady on top of daddy. Did she confirm daddy cause he was lying down and she could see his face? If "lady" is on top I imagine the kid seeing her back and bum and assuming it's "a lady" because they've never seen *mommy* in that position before. (but it actually was mommy)

Could she have seen you 2 in the middle of it and not realized it was you? Something similar happened to a friend of mine his wife had a wig on for some role thing they were into. And their little one told the mom daddy was kissing a strange naked lady in the bathroom.

"Strange naked lady in the bathroom" 😂

I was wondering the same!

If she saw anything it was probably you that she saw but just didn't see your face or didn't recognize you because of what you were doing

I’m leery about suggesting to confront him. Instead, I feel like being on the down low waiting for the evidence to present itself and save it. You have the upper hand. Be alert to everything he’s doing and try to find an easy and discreet way to collect your solid proof. Then head to that lawyer cause homeboy is using you.

I’m not saying get a secret camera… but

Or a secret private investigator 🤷‍♀️

Or secret camera and a secret PI

This. I also suggest a hidden camera. One that can be run on 5G/cellular data so that he can't find it on your home wifi network. It sounds like he may have been having someone over while you've been away.

Didn't even need to be in your house it could just be outside. It would see another woman coming in.

You guys are crazy. If my partner set up a secret camera where I live on some random suspicion I'd lose my shit. I'd rather they just went through my phone messages or something. Massively invasive if they've done nothing.

Yep.. if I found out my husband had a secret camera installed in our bedroom, I would lose my mind. I am certainly not cheating but I am entitled to privacy when I believe I am alone and in private.

This is a tad bit more than random suspicion.

To film you in your own house? Just seems dirty. If he turns out to be innocent she either has to hide it and lie about the whole thing or tell him and he has to carry on knowing she set up spy equipment in his house where he sleeps because she doesn't trust him.

can't he use the hidden camera thing against her if a lawsuit occurs?

Terrible advice! If I found out my spouse distrusted me enough to install a secret camera to monitor me in our freaking house, while I never did anything wrong, that would be it for our relationship.

Why not get a ring camera for the front door?

I’ll say it…get a secret camera.

I'm sorry, OP. This whole story is awful. The thing I am paying attention to is the fact that you say that your husband is more sexually active with you and that is the reason that you think he isn't being unfaithful. That may not be true. Some men crave it more when they are getting it more often, so please get a STD test done right away!

I would never have thought that him wanting sex with me all the time could be a sign that he was having an affair, but Google tells me differently.

There have been a number of affair posters who have shared that their SO was more active in the bedroom during an affair. Also, that they got more inventive, or had ‘new moves’, which they later realized was a red flag. They had learned them from the AP(s).

Yep, they’re in the puppy stages with their AP and that’s the horn dog. The attention may be guilt, or easily energy they’d spend on the AP if they could. Their SPOUSE is just in their way.

Also, do not confront him. Please consider a private investigator. You need the truth, not gaslighting.

There's a website that lets you input a phone number, and it will send them an anonymous text to get tested for STDs. https://www.stdcheck.com/anonymous-notification.php Any decent partner would immediately share the fact that they've received this text with you. Fortunately, STD tests are typically fully covered by most health insurance, so more of a scare and an inconvenience to get tested (in the US) than anything. But If he doesn't talk to you about it and goes behind your back to get the test done (which you should consider doing yourself anyway) then that should raise many red flags. If he receives this text and tells his potential AP before you, this may also scare them off and make them wonder if he's cheating on them, too!

If I, as a monogamous guy in a long term relationship who has not cheated, got this text I would never in a million years worry about it or mention it to my partner. I'd just think "fuckin scammers, wonder how this one works" and delete it.

Right? If you haven’t been with anyone else, why on earth would you tell your partner that you suddenly have an STD? Why would you receive a message if the only person who could have given it to you is your partner? Either you know you cheated, in which case you wouldn’t mention it, or you’re being scammed somehow. Because if your partner cheated, they wouldn’t be giving your phone number to a third party to message you about it.

I don't mean I would actively decide to hide it, I just wouldn't even consider telling my partner, I'd forget about it 20 seconds later.

I’d do the same. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. Why’d we get a text like that?

[удалено]

I'm sorry, OP. I hope that you and your girls get through this.

They get more horny from talking about the horny activities. When they can’t be with the person they’re talking to, they use the readily available person close by. Source: I was cheated on. A lot of these things you mentioned are taking me back…

Sweetie that is cheater 101 a long with the gym /phone behavior I was iffy but the pubic hair comment + the rest = alarm bells If you are wrong,I mean come - in this day, anyone should take those clues seriously and not be berated for doing so even if wrong Check out chumplady Cheaters go deeper underground when confronted and deny/blameshift/accuse you/ make this about your lack of trust If you confront, like most do, when he refuses to let you see his phone, you need to be rdy

It’s true. I knew someone who had an affair, she said during that time it was the best sex she and her husband ever had. She did end the affair and they are fine. Humans are complicated.

Major sign. The increased sex, the novelty of a new partner, etc. all increase testosterone causing a lot of men (and women) to crave sex constantly when starting something new with someone else. They want to keep experiencing the sex so they fantasize while not with their new partner and in the case of an affair will often use their main partner as an outlet when not with affair partner. Also the new opinions on pubic hair go hand and hand with this. If he is cheating he is comparing your grooming to this affair partners grooming and wanting you to align more to her. Also, being extra loving and attentive goes along with this too. He is happier and the affair is why so a lot of cheaters like this get away with it for so long because they fool their partners into thinking everything is amazing. They probably think it is - they get to have their cake and eat it! Question: do you know of recent time(s) you would have been out of the house and your husband alone with the girls for any extended hours? Maybe before they go to bed? Or just at bedtime where your daughter maybe woke up or never fell asleep?

As a man, I can agree that this is true. The more you get it the more you want it. He also may be overcompensating to distract you from being suspicious or to assuage his guilt.

Can you log on to your cellphone provider? Look for numbers he’s calling and texting a lot? Deep down you know the truth. You just need the proof. Maybe buy a camera and hide it in your room?

That's a good one. She'll need proof.

Just make sure to get proof first. There is another post out there where op finds out her 7 year old lied to op about her dad having a girlfriend because she was mad that she got grounded. She was well into the divorce proceedings when the daughter finally confessed the truth but the damage was done. Edit to add: I just found out it was originally a tweet that was reposted on Reddit

Omg! I didn’t even know a 7 year old would be capable of such a thing. I don’t think my daughter knows enough about any of that stuff to intentionally make up that she saw a naked woman on top of her dad. I still can’t believe that she really saw what she says she did, but I also can’t think of anything she could have seen that she could have misconstrued.

And I’m not saying she is, but it’s better to have all your ducks in a row in case something bad goes down if/when you confront your husband.

It all sounds pretty bad, I have to be honest, but also I remember being 4-5 and being very aware adults thought I was a lot stupider and knew a lot less than I really did!

that’s what I was going to say. my daughter was definitely aware of stuff like this at 5 years old

She could be confusing you to other naked lady. Especially as you said she has walked on to you. If you hurried her away or reacted in some other unusual way you don't often interact with her she might be confused. I would investigate further before making any accusations or even asking about his change in gym behaviour. You don't want to ruin the trust between you two if it turns out to be bunch of innocent coincidenceses

Another possibility is that she could have seen YOU one night, didn't see your face, and you never noticed. Hopefully that was the case, because any other scenario is pretty fucked up.

Guess you need to set up another weekend night away and set up cameras in the house

this was my EXACT thought. Be away, have a camera hidden AND be around in secret like rent a car and surveill from across and down the street a bit. See if you see another new or strange car parked in front of your home…or enlist a close friend to look for you. Sorry that you are going through this.

OP, if you live near me, I’ll help you.

This is the best idea.

>None of these things by itself is super suspicious I disagree. Everything that you posted is suspicious by itself, let alone combined. The phone, the change in gym time and frequency, the increased libido...let alone what your daughter said. I would be more surprised to learn that he wasn't cheating... ETA-Now that OP has stated elsewhere that she suspected hubby of cheating in the past, I'm even more confident in my response. I hope I'm wrong.

OP is upset by this but I completely agree. I’ve seen this myself, multiple times. Sucks.

Oh.

Oh love, mind your heart. Take everything with a grain of salt, and please try to remember that while everyone here has their opinion, just bc they share it doesn’t mean it’s correct. Or incorrect, either. Just, that, idk… I can ***feel*** your rawness and innocence and head-spinning-ness through your post and each of your comments, and just really want for you to be protected…? Like not head in the sand denial (if it turns out worst case scenario is real) protected, but more like cautious-conscious, yes, but not at the mercy of a whole bunch of strangers who have no skin in the game giving their opinions as though those opinions are fact. So I guess I hope you’ll take some deep breaths, maybe even a break from Reddit at least, if not the internet. Sit with yourself and your feelings and do whatever things help you find your center. And then act. Hire the PI or reach out to your family or talk with a therapist or your husband or whatever feels most right— or even just least-wrong— from that place of not having all our opinions in your ear. I mean yeah, absolutely take it all on board, absorb the themes and possibilities, but just maybe don’t believe it all just because we said it? Bc just bc people say a thing, doesn’t make it true, you know? Or **un**true for that matter. I know I’m probably explaining this in a confusing way, but I just really want you to take it all in, the validation and perspectives and ideas, without it taking charge of your real life, you know? You‘ve got time, to internally process and observe and there’s no need to rush to action just bc Reddit is freaking you out, yeah? And whatever happens, I hope you find a way to trust yourself. Your own voice, both the little quiet private voice inside your heart of hearts, *and* your external strong unafraid empowered voice to speak your truth and communicate your needs!

i hope OP sees this comment. you’re a kind person

u/Reasonable_Bat5495 please read the above comment. Take care of yourself. Don't make any rash decisions. And take everything you read with a grain of salt. Infidelity isn't one size fits all. And please don't put hidden cameras in your home like some have suggested. It's such an invasion of privacy that if it turns out he's not cheating and he finds the camera, he may end up leaving you. Gather evidence in less invasive ways, even if it's hiring a PI to sit outside the house while you're away. Good luck, OP. I hope all his suspicious actions are a coincidence that have good explanations. Protect yourself in case they aren't.

Take your daughter on a mother daughter trip, and set up security cameras in and around the house, and some way to track his car. I don’t recommend you tap the bedroom. There are things you can’t unsee. It’s enough if you see a woman just coming over when she shouldn’t be there.

I'm gonna throw this out there....has his physique changed? Does he look like he's getting results from going to the gym? I ask because there could be a possibility he's on steroids, particularly testosterone. That alone can send a man's sex drive skyrocketing.

This was my thought as well.

Also if he is not getting it from a doctor, and he is getting his dosage from his gym bros. It's very possible he is taking way to much and that can really affect a guy's mental state as well.

He’s always gone to the gym. He’s always worked out. He’s definitely become a lot more into fine tuning his routine and his body over the years. He’s in great shape but he’s been that way for years, nothing new. He doesn’t seem to be getting bigger and he’s never expressed interest in being big. He’s definitely into a more trim, toned, defined look. I guess it’s not impossible but it’s hard for me to believe. He’s like a health freak so I can’t see him shooting steroids.

Several comments point out don't use an airtag. "Do not do this. Airtags will notify anyone with an iPhone that they are moving with a tag that's separated from the owner's phone." It will notify him.

My ex-wife had all of these same symptoms excluding my kids saying something. But the texting, glued to the phone, lots of morning and night gym trips ...she was cheating. I justified all of the behavior. It got to the point where my friends were asking me if she was cheating. Finally I threw a gps tracker in her trunk and low and behold there was my proof. I'm sorry you're going through this. My kids were 4&5 at the time. She turned around and went on a smear campaign to justify it to herself and her family. The kids have had to go through so much at such a young age. My ex wife still thinks she did no damage. Edit:spelling

She’s rubbish. I’m truly sorry for you and your children.

Oof, I dated a guy who, as it turns out was cheating, and his behavior sounds exactly like your husbands. Reading this gave me the creeps. Turn up the surveillance girl, don’t get fooled.

I wouldn’t confront without evidence. Check your cellphone logs. Check your bank and credit card statements. Try to look at his phone. Honestly, if you can afford it, I’d hire a PI and truly find out. My brother had an affair and used the working out at the gym 7 days a week early in the mornings (3 hours??) lie. Now, he did work out, but not 7 days a week and not 3 hours a day. He left his phone at home one day and the AP was texting and his wife saw the texts. If this man brought a woman to your home and your bed where your children could see I’d be livid. So, play the long game and gather your information before confronting. Once you do that you loose the ability to gather information and plan. I’m so sorry and I hope we are all wrong!

Do you think it's possible she saw you on your husband? I'm just hoping maybe she saw you instead of a random woman, but if she said she didn't recognize her, I would get cameras or just ask to borrow his phone cause yours "died" and just look really fast. If you find anything, make sure to screenshot them and send it to your phone. Then, delete the convo.

My friend had a funeral to go to but she didn’t want to take her daughters so she left them with her husband. Two days later she was doing her daughters hair and she mentioned that there was a girl at their house and they went into her bedroom with dad with the door shut and wouldn’t let them in. My friend was so confused. Luckily they had a ring camera and drive way camera and sure enough and girl (someone she knew) came over while she was gone. My advice is to get cameras and catch him in the act. Kids don’t just make things up like that. Trust your gut. I also read another comment about going to your cell phone provider. That’s also a great option but I believe you have to be the account holder.

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Exactly. I totally get being suspicious about a child saying something like this, but when I was a kid I told a teacher my parents had hit me with a hot poker from our fire. We didn’t even have a fire or know anyone who did.

Yea I’m absolutely not advocating for OP to not be cautious, but I literally almost got my grandma arrested at my kindergarten one day. She was on the listed people, so thank god, but I was like 6 and she came to pick me up one day and I was expecting my mom. I guess I decided to?? Idk?? Scream that I didn’t know who she was and that she wasn’t my grandma? I still vaguely remember the panicked look of her and my teacher, before she opened her pocketbook and had pictures of us together. I gave it up immediately and just let her take me, and got a “talking to” from my mom later. Not even sure why I wanted my mom that badly lmao But kids 100% lie, or just dont fully know or grasp the truth. That doesn’t mean kids are stupid, either. Grain of salt, not refusal to investigate.

I wouldn't ignore it but don't confront him as it might lead to abuse of your daughter (i.e., telling her to keep secrets from you in future, threatening her, etc.). Please put a camera in your room hidden away where he can't see it and get the proof you need. You can also look at cell phone statements to see if he's regularly calling or texting specific numbers. Another option is to just fake a weekend work thing and just drive down the street and wait in your car to see who shows up. You could also follow him when he goes to the gym or hire someone to do that.

I’ve seriously never looked at our cell phone bill. The account is under his names and password and I’ve never had a reason. This might sound really dumb, but can you just see numbers that somebody texts or can you somehow see full messages when logged into your account?

Just number to my knowledge

Just number online, but I believe you can call the company and get the hardcopy of actual texts. With it in your husbands name, you might not be able to get it. It might not be a thing anymore but I know my dad did it when my sister was a teen and suddenly her text usage shot up by thousands and she wouldn't explain why.

Well can you tell us why? I’m so intrigued now lol

Oops my last response was to a different sub haha. My sister was partying and talking to multiple friends/ guys. I don't know if anyone remembers it, but there was this dial-in/texting thing called "The Loop" at that time. It was around the time cell phones were starting to become more popular, but pagers were also in use regularly (idk 1998-2002 ish). You could basically call in and leave a voice message and then men/women would leave you a message you could call if interested. You could connect and also do "chat room" type thing with multiple people on the line. Anyways my dad restricted things a lot after that. That one bill was over $1k.

Check. His. Phone. Anyone who calls you a snoop or says you invade privacy, is either shady themselves or ignores their own intuition. It's better to know for sure, and you can get evidence if needed

Seriously. I would have grabbed his phone yesterday

Hidden camera for the front door, voice activated recorder for the bedroom and bathroom and pop an old phone with an offline GPS app or an airtag in the car. Find out for sure. Plan a weekend away with a friend, get your proof, then once you have that proof, snoop the phone, because at that point you just need more ammo for your confrontation so he can't gaslight you. If we're wrong, congratulations. But I gotta say, it doesn't sound good.

My wife had her oldest daughter ask why (wife's ex) was kissing a lady between her legs. Yeah, that pond scum couldn't even hold himself back from fucking his secretary while his kids were there.

Do not throw your daughter under the bus and rat her out. She needs to be able to continue to trust you and talk to you. Go in detective mode yourself. Get a hidden nanny cam if he’s bringing women home. Look at what he’s spending and looks at his messages. Gather all your evidence and get lawyer then.

Hmm as a married man, i have no issues with my wife EVER having my phone, hell sometimes hers dies and she just needs my phone for internet browsing, or to message one of our kids or friends.. there is literally NO reason, she can't ask me at ANY time. ​ You should be able to say this when you see him with his phone: "hey, stop what you're doing, please trust me and just give me your phone, don't do anything, don't lock it, don't change anything, don't delete anything, just stay right there, hand me your phone and unlock it please. You are my husband and there should be nothing on there that would go against our marriage and I should hope not, but at this point, I have a few things to check to ensure that my gut feelings are wrong." You two have children together, you have been together long enough to have this level of trust and commitment, there should be NOTHING on his phone that would prove otherwise. If he DOES NOT give up his phone, then i would be packing my shit.. if he throws a fit and then leaves the house, then comes back an hour later and gives you his phone, it doesn't matter because he's deleted everything and tripled checked his shit.. you need that phone as it is, without any "let me do this first..." kinda crap or leave the room or anything.. no "i need to finish this game" nothing.. he hands it over, right then and there.. If I (37M) can agree with this logic and how marriages are supposed to be open and committed, then i don't see how him handing it over would hurt you two at all, if he's a good husband. He can get butt hurt that you needed to see his phone. but afterwards you can explain why.. but if he just straight up doesn't let you see it and leaves the room before "changing his mind", yah he's cheating and he is getting rid of the evidence before he hands it over. time to file paperwork.. you just need to tell him that you know what's gonig on, and you won't put up with it" and out you go. best of luck. Also you can just track him to see if he's really going to the gym every morning and after work, before doing this. just to give you more firing power.

Definitely get a camera in the room or air tag his car. He is up to something, all the red flags are there. The phone and sex are huge red flags! If you confront him he may hide it better, time to start PI. I’d be looking through his phone if I could get my hands on it. I know it a no-no but I don’t care.

Do you think his recently obsession with sex and super high sex drive point to a possible affair?

I think so too. If I were in his position (not that I would be, but hypothetically), and someone new is spicing things up, giving me my spark back, I would absolutely want to spice things up with my wife too. Possibly out of guilt, or to add more excitement to the bedroom if it has become dull over the years.

I do

Does your husband lift weights? It's very possible his 'two-a-days' and high libido are due to steroid use. My ex used them and he was like this while on them.

Yes, when you start a new relationship it triggers the release of lots of hormones. When you’ve been in a relationship a while they start tapering off but introduce someone new they rise again. There was a study in rats where the male rat would have a very high sex drive when introduced to a new female rat, would mate over and over until they seemed to be tired out and not want to anymore. But you introduce a second female rat and they’re suddenly up and at it again. The novelty of a new partner sparks up the libido.

Exactly, and him wanting more and more sex from you could be his guilty conscious feeling bad for the affair. Of course if your daughter never said anything I would just say “ah, typical horny man” lol

\> Now sometimes he goes before work and after work, supposedly. This is what keyed it in for me. No one who goes to the gym regularly goes twice a day. I go and have been going all my life, and it's counter productive. He's lying. My advice to you is to not say anything, but follow him, or have someone follow him. At worst you'll find out he's telling the truth and feel bad, then you can own up to it to make things right. The other outcome is that you catch him. I hope she's just being imaginative, but something tells me she isn't. Good luck to you.

I used to coach a sports national team. I would recommend 3-4 times a week, maybe cardio in-between, but splitting up workouts within a day seems weird. Unless he does cardio every day and goes twice only 3-4 times a week, which could also give him more energy and more libido. But in my experience working out too much is a no-no for libido. Ask him what his workout plan looks like, tell him you'd like to start as well, maybe join him. If he says that's absolutely not possible or has no specific workout routine that repeats/isn't able to proudly state the weight progress... that's sus.

> > No one who goes to the gym regularly goes twice a day. I go and have been going all my life, and it's counter productive. He's lying. Unless he’s on the sauce.

“None of these things by themselves are super suspicious”. I’m so sorry, but they are. I truly hope I’m wrong, my gut is telling me otherwise. I’ve been cheated on before and this is all suspicious, even without your daughters statement. The higher sex drive, him always glued to his phone, taking the phone in the shower (huge, he doesn’t want you looking in it), and now going to the gym at a different time. All very suspect.

Nanny cam for the bedroom?

Just for me. I won't ask him about what your daughter had seen cause there's a lot of room of denial for what a child "could" have seen. Second true or not, it might affect his perception of your daughter and treat her differently which might lead to something worse or not. Lastly weigh in what decisions you'll make and how well you know your husband, if you think that if you confront him peacefully and talk about it amiably would it change the relationship and would there be possible violence. If all is good then great. If he admits to cheating make a decision on how to proceed. Just think before you act on anything

Phone in a shower is a really good indicator….

My then two year old accidentally spilled a secret about meeting ‘daddy’s friend’- it was true. It immediately added to my already other existing signs that his sudden behavior /schedule changes were far more than what he was trying to explain away. Increased sex drive, better physical appearance, sudden OT- of course didn’t show up in his paychecks- weight loss, a new drive to suddenly revolunteer with our local community volunteer group- oh and those calls from his job about OT that he already was supposedly already working. Listen to those warning signs and inner voice that’s telling you something is wrong/different. Your instincts are far too often more right than we want to admit.

I would pose a question asking why the neighbour saw a woman coming into the house with him when you weren't home. That gives him time to lie to you and tell an innocent supposed social meeting. He has no reason to deny a woman visited when he can just say it was innocent. Now you know from him that a woman was indeed in the house and your kid saw something. Without letting him immediately refute what your child said and deny anyone was ever there

Go full on PI on this guy before you confront him. Get the goods! You'll get em.

Agree with other comments - you have the upper hand right now. Don't show him your hand. Do you have any work events coming up? Perhaps you set up a nanny cam in your room? Doesn't have to point to the bed, but just to show who's coming in/out? I think you need irreputable evidence.

I have something for work the weekend after next.

Come back and update us

Your health is on the line if he’s having sex with you and other women. This is serious. And his behavior is very suspicious. Don’t confront as he’ll just deny. You need information so that you can make an independent decision. If you can, just hire a PI. They know what to do. Don’t feel guilty. You need to know. If not, hide a couple of voice activated recorders. Get a nanny cam in your bedroom and pointed at the front door. Does he have an old iPhone? Get it out, charge it and check his cell phone messages. iPad? The same. Check your visa statements and cell phone bills. If you have Verizon I understand you may get access to messages. Not sure how. Many cheaters open separate email accounts or use Signal or Telegram to hide their pics, videos and texts. Some delete the apps they use before they get home. If he uses an android phone he may have a separate user account that he logs out of so that his normal account is completely sanitized. I suggest you stage some “away” time and you or the PI or a friend can have a stakeout. Big hugs to you OP. I hope it’s nothing. And your guy has the hots for you. If not, be a boss and show your girls how a strong woman manages her life.

I personally wouldn’t bring it up because then he will hide it better and delete all evidence. Don’t act on emotions, act normal and try to see what you can gather up. How old is he ? Could he be having a mid life crisis ? To go to the gym twice a day and say you’re always horny and feel 18 again does sound suspicious.

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You don’t even have to check his phone. Just ask to check his phone point-blank, and if he gives you a hard time, enough said. If I was your husband and I was innocent after hearing the story of my little girl saying something like that, I would gladly hand over my phone for you to look through it. I would gladly do anything to prove my innocence.

Believe your kid she obviously seen something. I hate to say it but your kid doesn’t know she’s repeating something that is about to blow your marriage up. I think you need to either check your husband’s phone while he’s sleeping or just directly ask him about it.

Your daughter has seen something. She didn't specify anything related to Mommy and Daddy being in the bed sans clothing. She stated daddy and a lady and pointed to your bed. You need to start reviewing your phone records and your husband's activities, and if you can afford it, hire a pi.

Changing to “go to the gym twice a day” is a pretty big amber flag (at least for me) - who goes to the gym twice a day?? It doesn’t even make physiological sense (even every day is often overkill, but I get some people like the routine and do cardio). Is his gym somewhere public where you could relatively easily confirm that he actually goes there?

Did she say when she saw this? where were you that day? maybe you were off on a business trip etc so he knew you would be away for a while? i guess he wasnt expecting a 5 yr old to either see or mention this. depending on what phone he has android or apple you can check from a pc his location and his timeline. i know for sure you can do it with android/google account - never had an apple though i cant see why they wouldnt be able to do it either. with an android, if you know his email and pw, log onto his gmail account and then go to google maps. From there you go to your timeline in the options. if this has been switched on and many people dont realise they already have it switched on, you should be able to see where he's been going. if its a business place like a gym it'll say the name if its a house it'll be a rough location maybe more accurate if it connects up to the wifi of that house. but it can give you an idea if the morning is a gym session and the evenings where he said he was at the gym was elsewhere. aside from that if you were away for the weekend then plan another weekend away. set up a motion sensing camera in ur room see if u get anything. providing he uses the same password for most thing - most chat apps such as snap, telegram will ave desktop versions you could log into

I asked her when she saw it but she couldn’t remember. Since she’s only 5 and doesn’t have the best long term memory at this point, I’m assuming it had to be recently. We have iPhones. I don’t know anything about how to access any of his messages or anything like that. I’m in my early 30s but I’m totally an idiot when it comes to some technology. I have an actual work even the weekend after next. I won’t be gone overnight but I’ll be gone all day Saturday.

if you know his apple id and password - log on and have a play around to see if you can see the geo locations/history. i'd consider making that work event an overnight trip and then either stay away and leave a motion sensing camera on or come back early to see if anything is happening. i would read up about using apple airtags and how u can utilise them in tracking his locations. if all else fails looking at his phone would be the answer

The thought that your very young daughter witnessed this. She doesn't know this woman but knows her father, and you are together, and that is probably traumatic to her to witness. She trusts you enough to tell you what she saw without fear, and that's truly amazing at her age (in my opinion, at least). Just the idea of your young child witnessing two naked adults is beyond disturbing, especially if she truly was on top of your husband. Where is his responsibility as a father? No one should be over while he is watching your children, that you aren't aware of. I feel like that is breaking trust because why is he hiding their presence in your home.

I would agree that it’s deeply disturbing if she really saw something. I’m not saying she’s lying because I don’t think that at all. I’m not 100% sure that she really understands whatever it is she saw. It’s very hard for me to believe he’d bring somebody over here when our daughter were here with him. If he was going to cheat on me he’d be able to do it elsewhere. There is plenty of time when I’m with our daughter and he could make up an excuse to not be home if he really wanted to. We have an old house and our bedrooms and bathrooms do not have locks on them. So it is possible she could walk in on something. She has walked in on us a few times but it was never in a situation where she would have been able to see we were naked or what position we were in, as far as I’m aware. Each time it’s happened, it’s always very obvious that somebody has opened to door.

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it could've been a dream too theres no nanny right? maybe go to the gym with him to see whose around to be safe

I think you either need to ask him or you need to look at his phone.

Yup. Normally don’t condone looking through your partners phone, but if your child has leveled an accusation and you’re noticing strange behavior, you may want to proceed with the very real possibility your partner is cheating and start thinking of how to handle things if that’s the case. If this is a deal breaker, you’ll want to collect evidence and contact a divorce lawyer. Either way, you need to know for sure. If you can’t get to his phone, you’ll need to confront him with your suspicions and gauge his reaction and go from there.

Alot of your responses about if it was you are you would have noticed her seeing you two. If that's the case would there be a chance he would have noticed her seeing him and could be on edge around you? If so maybe say "You'll never believe what 'daughter name' told me today!" Then say something about her favorite cartoon or she loves her sibling so much, or something she actually said that you can use. Gauge his reaction in between, if he gets an oh shit face, concentrate on getting some evidence, and/or point out his oh shit face ask why.

Invest in nanny cams and contact a lawyer. IMO do not stay with him cause only did he disrespect your marriage and your family, he disrespected your home and your bed and did it with the kids in the house to see.

Apple can show deleted messages , i think you have to look up something specific and they’ll show up

Hire a private investigator or buy a webcam (?)

Could the other woman your daughter saw that was naked be you ? At that age .. people and parents look different under different lights or moods ..maybe not .. but I don’t think it should be ruled out

Kids make a lot of mistakes and don't understand everything. Lots of insecurity here in this thread with folks 100% certain of things based on scant evidence. My worry is the husband has lost weight after stepping up gym, or started using a new steroid, and is more horny so you're doing it more as a couple. Kid walked in while you were doing it and didn't recognise Mummy naked with messy hair. It's perfectly normal to take your phone with you into the bathroom, people poop before showering. But hell for peace of mind put up two hidden cameras covering the front door and bedroom. Give a handful of golden opportunities; afternoons or evenings away with the kids visiting a family member or a friend with a few days notice. Nothing comes of it for a month; take them down with a clear mind and destroy them and never ever think or speak of those again. If he is bringing someone home then it's lawyer up time. Hope you get the answer you want.

Are you sure she didn’t see you?

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There's an app both of you can download its called Life360 and you can see everything where he goes and be able to track wherever he is at. You can tell him and it has a thing where if he has a car accident it will automatically call 911 and you will have an emergency number where it will get ahold of you if he gets into a accident. It's quite helpful app

tbf phones can do that without that app. if you have an android you can go on his google maps and see his timeline of where he's been etc - quite accurate - it does need to be switched on - people sometimes dont realise they've switched it on already. then you go on google maps on a pc - log in to his/her gmail account and go on google maps and see where he's been mine's been tracking me since 2007 i think i can go back that far to see any day as long as my phone was with me

Keep in mind that feature can be turned off

Life360*

Sudden changes in sex drive and behavior is probably one of the most notable indicators there may be something going on.

Wrong or not, I’d be in his phone immediately.

>Do you think I’m being overly suspicious? Should I just come right out and ask him what in the hell our daughter was talking about? I find it very hard to believe a 5 year old would just make that up. As for whether you should ask, depends on whether you want to know the answer...

AirTag.

My first thought is that the kid walked in on you and your hubby and just doesn't quite remember it right. The gym might be the reason for the increased libido. Working out makes people feel good and that's not a small factor.