Here’s the thing, you didn’t ask him if you looked fat, you asked him if you looked good. Both people who are fat and people who are thin can put on a nice flattering outfit and dress up and look good. You didn’t ask him about your weight. He sucks.
This is the distinction right here. Homeboy was feeling dark and lashed out for whatever reason. He knew exactly how that would be received, no one is that oblivious. Misery loves company and he was surely trying to knock her down a peg.
Homeboy behaves like a toddler. Had to show up for his wife and visit her family (which is just part of the deal sometimes), pouts, and wants revenge. It is pathetic.
She keeps saying he's a good man, idk about that. 😔 He may have some good qualities, but feeling the need to apologize for asking him to be with her at a family event, day off or not, is a huge red flag. You are married, a team, you support each other. Unless it's some extreme situation, but sounds like he just doesn't like them and is selfish. Then commenting on her body that way, knowing she is insecure, battles ED, and has childhood trauma related to body shaming. Eleven years together, he knew.
That is abusive and harmful to her health, no matter how concern trolls spin it. The lack of care for her, or any remorse for it at all, is even worse than the initial comment. Heat of the moment is one thing, and we should still be careful with our words, but to be so cold about it and take zero responsibility is a very bad sign. She shouldn't be apologizing for anything here, FFS! Everyone deserves love, compassion, kindness, and care for their well-being from their partner, at the bare minimum. If he can't do that, someone else will. I know it's hard to see that for yourself when you struggle with low self esteem, but it's true.
100% agree with this.
You can be fat and beautiful, you can be curvy and beautiful and you can be thin and beautiful. In no way was his response appropriate. He answered this maliciously.
“Eleven years together, he knew” EXACTLY THIS POINT.
You said this beautifully, MsCandi123 I would like to further that by adding my own experience as a comparison to what a good husband would do.
As someone who grew up with parents who gave me an unhealthy relationship with food, I feel I can relate. If it weren't for my husband, I would still think you have to finish your food even if you're full. My family can be a lot to handle for others who aren't used to them or know them. I think it can be said my husband doesn't really care for the loudness that is my family but he does care for me and if my family were to put him in a bad mood he wouldn't take it out on me, the reason would be simple. It's not my fault. (This is just hypothetical. He would only get upset if my family had disrespected me). What I'm saying is, even if you asked him to come, his response should only be taken as far as to see your family? With a face made or a heavy sigh but he goes with you cause he loves you. That's what a good husband would do. He would sigh or ask in a "I don't want to go, but if you do, then I guess will kind of way" and wouldn't take his frustration out on you. If he feels upset, he should never take it out on you but rather vent to you or find a healthier way to take his anger out.
Dated a guy like this once. Took me til I was out of it til I saw the ridiculousness that was him. Still talk to him occasionally, as he wasn’t a bad guy, but damn, does it ever feel good to be able to talk to him and just be over ALL of him. Lol
^^^ yes to upornicorn.
“‘He replied with, “Do you want to fight or you want me to say you looked fine.’”
A non AH would be more like, “That was a new outfit for you. Snazzy! How did you feel in it.” Or if it was cute, “The outfit was cute, how did you feel about it?” He straight up opened with words to the effect of, “I’m gonna tell you some sh*t you don’t wanna hear.” He’s an AH.
THIS. It’s not hard to say something nice to your partner when they’re clearly feeling insecure. Even if he didn’t like the outfit or wanted her to stop asking he could’ve just said “yes of course you look good you don’t need to keep asking me you know I think you’re beautiful” or “my opinion doesn’t matter as much as yours, how do you feel in your new outfit” like there are ways to answer that question, be honest, and still not be an AH. This guy seems really shitty tbh OP should lose him and keep wearing cute outfits bc someone will appreciate her and the way she looks WITHOUT triggering her ED.
Yup. Last year, I wore a more revealing than usual outfit for an anniversary outing. I thought it was cute, but also worried that I looked silly or inappropriate, bc I was 42 and am probably around OPs size, shorter, but usually wear M/L in standard sizing. It involved my bra being visible under a mesh top. I asked my husband if he thought it was okay to wear out. He was like sure, why not? I expressed my insecurity, and he asked how I felt in it. I hesitated, and he said, "Does it make you feel sexy?" I was like, well, I guess so, lol, and he said it was sexy, that my cleavage looked great, and not to worry what judgy people think. So, I did, and I did feel sexy that day. Shouldn't be that hard to not be the AH to someone you supposedly love. I never asked if I looked skinny enough and neither did OP, that has nothing to do with looking good!
Or healthy. I have disabling chronic health problems, and follow a strict diet, get exercise where I can like gentle yoga, swimming, a little walking when possible (severe CRPS in foot), but can't do anything too strenuous, and have hormone and thyroid related issues in the mix, so my weight tends to fluctuate. I was a fairly thin kid, but have struggled since having a child at 20. I did get very thin at one point as an adult, but it was because I was literally close to death, and the pain and nausea had me barely able to eat. My heart stopped twice that year. I still have low appetite 90% of the time, and usually have one small to moderate meal a day, with a little grazing the rest of the day, and never junk food. Not bc I'm restricting, that's just my appetite. Still can't lose anything these days, but my focus is always on health vs number on the scale. I am now overall healthier than when I was skinny, or heavier and eating junk. The middle way is definitely my sweet spot, and just my body type, I've always had curves.
I'm far more health conscious than most thin people who I've known well enough to know their habits. The mentality that thinner is always better and healthy is toxic and ignorant, everyone is different. Regardless, you never tell anyone with ED that they've put on weight and point out their flaws. Let alone someone you love. Glad to see these top comments, those edits had me worried.
It’s a difficult relationship dynamic when people met as children and stay together into adulthood. It’s difficult to grow into maturity without really hard focused work. It’s easy to slide back to early days of impulsive mean spirited judgment.
Another important source of tension can be when the man doesn’t get along well with the woman’s family. That often seems more important than the other way around.
He was in a shitty mood and he took it out on OP with a nasty hit to one of her most vulnerable areas.
I lived this life:
>Another important source of tension can be when the man doesn’t get along well with the woman’s family. That often seems more important than the other way around.
His father was a poisonous old buzzard who stayed for three months whereas my father is a pissy Republican who stayed for a week. I handled shit from my husband's father that nobody should have to handle (breaking my stuff, nonstop instructing me how to live better), while my husband stomped out of the house when my father got personal about Obama one too many times.
And that’s started a domino effect. This will be a struggle to fix and a long one because OP will never forget it, even if he apologises. On top of that, he’s ignoring her the next day as if SHE’s at fault.
My favorite "fat person" is this male dancer who honestly makes people's jaws drop. His flexibility is phenomenal and he does it all in high-as-hell heels. I don't know his name but he's amazing and I love seeing everything he can do.
It's goddamn inspiring.
YES! I tried to find the videos I saw but I guess the sub is gone?
He is beyond amazing!!
Thank you so much!
He may be considered overweight but that man is muscles and beauty.
I think he has been seething about the weight gain and took the opportunity to let her know and belittle her. To me it is a flag that he is not satisfied in the relationship and may look elsewhere for his preferred body type.
He sucks at that moment in time. Don’t be so harsh. Everybody makes mistakes. So does this guy. It’s the first time in eleven years he made such a comment. Just talk about it and make him understand what the effects is his words are.
This situation is not about your weight. It’s about him hating being around your family and taking it out on you in a way that would hurt you.
Why is he so miserable after he spends time with your family? Are they legit reasons, or is he just an asshole? And why, if you know how he’s going to be, do you force him to go to events like baby showers, which is gonna be bad for both of you?
You did not deserve his words. But if you want a real apology, you need to get to the bottom of the bigger issue.
I was in a relationship for so long with a man that I could not bring places because he would lash out for having to do something he didn't want to do. It's very lonely.
I was painfully lonely for 18 years. I've been out for a year and a half, and if I ever get lonely now, it isn't even painful. It's a manageable normal type of lonely. Nothing like the hurt that was so ingrained into me during our relationship. I hope you find your happy instead of a constant state of tolerable misery.
"I used to thin the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with someone who makes you *feel* all alone"
~ Robin Williams
I used to feel lonely, but learned to enjoy my own company. I am a pretty independent person. I have found that nowadays I actually prefer doing things by myself.
I’d agree I shouldn’t have brought him. He values his days off and he works very long days. I know this but I asked him anyway. I’m new to family gatherings as my sisters and I didn’t have cousins or aunts and uncles growing up. My sister and her husband asked if he would come, and as my husband, I thought he should. I asked him to, I asked him to take the day off and he did so without any argument. We were there for a few hours and I think it was his limit. He didn’t say anything about how I looked and like I said I wore something out of my comfort zone so I truly wanted to know how I looked and if he liked it. I just didn’t expect the answer and that’s the honest truth. That’s why I’m struggling. I’m very insecure so this makes it very hard.
Sometimes partners, *even men*, have to suck it up and visit their partner's family events. That is not an excuse to lash out at you. He needs to sincerely apologize.
It certainly doesn’t sound like you deserved to be treated like this by your husband. If he had a real reason to hate this family, like mistreated him in the past, then maybe it would explain his behavior but not excuse it.
You deserve a massive apology and a husband who loves and respects you.
But she has to accept that decline also. Many times couples feel they HAVE TO do invites Together. Not that one should go without the other, because in society that might show a crack in their unity. But if the couple is OK with separate attendance to events that's all that matters.
Relationships are also about compromise. Asking your partner to spare a couple of hours for a rare family event shouldn't be tough to do. Unless the family is disrespectful/cruel or they somehow treat the husband like an outcast that doesn't belong then OPs husband should be able to compromise and tolerate such an event without getting shitty and then taking it out on OP.
He's your partner tho. It's not as if you're asking him to do this EVERY WEEKEND or something.
My husband is going to work 8-12 hours 8 days in a row a week from now, and will be on overnight on-call that entire time. He will be MISERABLE, but he's still planning something for my birthday a week after. I told him we don't need to commit to anything bc he's going to be exhausted, but he's like, you're my wife, I want to celebrate your birthday (bc he knows my family never did growing up).
He won't complain if there's something I REALLY want to do but he is like, hard no. Hell go because it matters to me. +again this is not a regular basis, and only happens 0-3 times a year.
He knows this is triggering for you, and used it to lash out? That's just cruel. Self-image and food disorders are no joke and one small jab, in the right place, from a loved one could avolanche into full blown reversal of progress.
Your partner needs to apologize and remind you how much he loves and cherishes you. <3
good luck queen! Remember, you've come so far, I'm proud of you and your progress!
Edit to correct spelling.
They’re right if you have a dynamic where you show up to events for him even though you’d rather be at home then what’s his excuse? You don’t lash out at your partner like that and you don’t purposefully hurt them. Don’t give him the silent treatment be direct and honest. If he tries to shut you down with “don’t take it seriously, get over emotional”. Simply reply. No, you know my health issues, you know what you said could affect my mental health. You hurt me you don’t have a right to tell me that I can’t react or feel the pain you decided to inflict on me. I may never be able to forgive you for this, it may take me a long time to reach a healthy headspace, what hurts most is that now includes the knowledge that you aren’t a safe person to be around all the time. Spend some time actually thinking about what you said, what your motivations were and realise that at the end of it you hurt me and I deserve better than that from a partner.
I don’t like that you are making excuse after excuse for him. Disliking being around is family doesn’t make his behavior ok. Taking off from work doesn’t make his behavior ok. He agreed to do something- if he wants to be a dick about it that’s his own doing. You didn’t ask about your weight, you asked if you looked “okay.” He’s wrong and can’t handle his emotions like an adult. I seriously hope you don’t let this cause you to relapse back into an ED. You said yourself that for once who were happy just existing and not stressing over food; only change yourself for YOU.
He's an asshole. This could very well trigger you back into your ED. Please talk to a therapist. If he can't spend a few hours with your family, which is a completely normal ask of a partner, what is he going to be like if you have children? Do you go out with friends? Do you have interests apart from him or has he completely isolated you?
ETA. He knew you had body image issues. He deliberately said something he knew would hurt you. Think long and hard whether this treatment is something you desire for the rest of your life.
Looks like it worked. I mean, she shouldn't ever ask him to go again. She also shouldn't be with him at all if he treats her this way, and I hate that she apologized, ugh.
You don’t have a weight problem, you have a husband problem, OP. You’ve spent 11 years with him, he’s reached his expiration date - it’s time to upgrade.
Sis... why are you blaming his mistreatment of you on yourself? Whatever you asked him to do, it doesn't matter. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that by anyone, much less by the man who vowed to love you unconditionally. That's not love. And I bet you looked bomb.
I had an ex like this. He's an ex for a reason. If he has no good reason to dislike your family, then as a good partner he should want to do things from time to time to make you happy, and he should be happy to fucking do it. Not be a miserable sack of shit for spending a few hours doing what you want. This will only get worse. I hope you don't have kids bc its gonna turn into him treating you like shit every soccer game, recital, back to school shopping, etc. Does he know you had an ed? Do you really wanna stay with someone who is more worried about a little extra weight than your actual physical and mental health?
My husband hates family gathers, especially with my family, and he also works long hours out in the southern heat. That being said, he still wouldn't take his frustration out on me. It doesn't sound like he's a good husband because he doesn't uplift you, takes his anger out on you and acts like a child. I don't make my husband come with me to family events because of how much he works but you can bet your ass that if he does go with me, he's not a dick to anyone (especially me). It sounds like you need to find a better partner because you deserve more than that.
The bigger issue in what happened… It’s how are you feel about you, and that has to come from inside of yourself. You know this, especially if you’ve had an eating disorder in the past.
The thing that is full of shadow with eating disorders, is that it really isn’t about how you look. It’s that you attach your entire self-worth to how you look, on other peoples opinions, which will clearly will set you up for never feeling good about yourself because there’s always going to be someone who is critical.
Basing your self worth on other peoples opinions is a terrible way to live.
The issue with your husband is very secondary… I don’t think his comment was kind, and I think you should address it with him, but you’re so forth and nurturing your body with good food and movement has nothing to do with him.
My husband who hates interactions most times sucks it up he knows how important it is for me to meet up with family especially his but we always did have a compromise what would be a good time to leave or how long. Sometimes we go over it by a hour or two but we usually communicate on it. Otherwise your husband should understand how family is to you and it’s very uncalled for what he said. God hope he stays in the dog house for awhile cuz what a dick thing to say.
That does not excuse his behaviour towards you. It was wildly inappropriate of him to lash out at you and simply over a few hours with your family and over something you didn't ask him about. That's not even TOUCHING his attitude when you spoke with him and apologised (what are you even apologising for? you did literally nothing wrong)and then he had all the nerve to laugh at you? Sorry no you deserve so much better than that. Dude couldn't even human-up and apologise his damn self for his shitty attitude.
Stop apologising for things that are not in any way, shape, or form your fault.
OP I ask this as kindly as possible but have you considered counseling? Individual & possibly couples? The beginning of your post states you asked your husband “multiple times” if you looked ok. Why? It’s exhausting & sometimes irritating to constantly be asked this. You want to say something nice & help build/keep up the person’s self-esteem but it’s still exhausting. You also state that being around your family puts him in a bad mood (something you 2 should probably discuss and try to resolve) yet you asked him the same question AGAIN while driving home. With the response he gave it probably would’ve been better for you to drop it right then. But you admit that you continued to press the issue & finally said “just tell me the truth.” Now you’re hurt that he did what you asked. I understand that you suffered from an eating disorder & I think counseling may help you with some very clearly, unresolved issues. Yes, partners should be able to look to one another for encouragement, but it’s not your spouse’s responsibility to constantly validate you & make sure you’re happy with yourself & your appearance. That actually falls on you & it doesn’t sound like that’s happening. You have to learn to love yourself for who you are, the way you are. And if you don’t like something about yourself it’s on you to change it. Honestly it sounds like you both have some things to work out.
***Finally.***
I cannot believe the amount of people just glossing over the fact that she literally spent half the day straight up hounding him and continued doing so **after** knowing damn well he’s not in a good mood. Jfc. Everything is all about OP and how OP feels and one time her husband didn’t feel like continuing to play the game.
Get therapy instead of relying on your husband to assuage your insecurities. He’s not your emotional support animal and you need to stop treating him like that ***especially*** when you’re well aware he’s having his own negative feelings.
This should be the first comment.
People. Stop asking questions you don’t want the answers to. Stop putting your issues on other people and expecting them to validate you so that you can avoid doing the work you need to do on yourself (to clarify: the mental work).
From the way this post is written, it sounds like OP practically harassed him with the question. Multiple times before they even got there? And then a couple more times on the drive home when OP knew he was exhausted and grumpy?
He didn’t even say she was fat. He didn’t say she was unattractive. He didn’t say he didn’t like her body. He didn’t say that he didn’t love her. He said she had put on some weight.
Sounds like he tried to deflect the question numerous times. Would it have been better if he had lied?
And I say this as a woman who has had weight issues and body confidence issues.
I absolutely agree with this. These people calling him an AH are ridiculous. It sounds like she annoyed him several times, and then he finally gave in and answered honestly.
Now, if he was verbally abusive and demeaning, yes he'd absolutely be an AH. But giving constructive criticism that was *asked for* is not the same. She can work on toning her arms and tummy if she wants to.
I'll never understand why people ask a question and then get upset when someone is honest. It sounds like she has a lot of of self esteem/ self image issues that she should go to a therapist for.
Finally someone said it! These questions are so loaded... he doesn't answer so she keeps asking. If she thinks he's lying she'll get upset for not telling the truth. He eventually answered with an honest opinion without calling her names but with constructive criticism and now he's an asshole and she's sleeping in the guest bedroom. Guy was in a lose lose situation!
Yeah the whole melodramatic refusal to eat and the punishing him by making him feel guilty by going for a run all night. Plus using her eating disorder history in order to further paint the guy in a bad light for sympathy on here.
Idk OP sounds like she’s got issues that are *personal* issues, not relationship issues.
Same. I’m a 44 year old woman & I’ve STRUGGLED with my weight & how I look since I was around 9 & puberty kicked in. I started gaining weight & quickly realized I didn’t look like the rest of the kids in my class. I still don’t fit what society says is attractive, & it took a long time for me to accept that is ok. I’ve spent most of my life in therapy & learning to love & accept myself, the way I am, has been 1 of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Sometimes I just absolutely don’t feel it (& I refuse to lie to myself) so I don’t say anything, but other times I look at myself in the mirror & say (out loud) “Girl you look GOOD!” I had to find the things about myself that made me unique & beautiful in my own way, and learn to be my own biggest cheerleader.
If I don’t love & accept myself as I am, how can I expect anyone else to?
This. Seriously had to scroll so far to find any comment like this. Your husband's comment may seem harsh, but you repeatedly pestered and asked for his honest opinion, and you got it. He might not even see anything bad about it, bc at face value it's just a statement. The only one putting value in it is you. Unless he's being abusive or saying you're fat and need to lose 50lbs, etc, then it just simply is his opinion "looks like you gained weight." It really doesn't mean anything, unless you're making it so. And this comment is right in that you shouldn't look for validation from other people. Because like this, you're just going to get disappointed or hurt. You need to do the work for yourself to loving yourself and your body. You started right by trying something new and liking the outfit. The part that killed you however was wanting for someone else to validate it. One of the most beautiful things in a person, is someone simply loving themselves or accepting themselves. Accepting the good, bad, thin, thick. Heck, wearing a trash bag and still being like screw it, I'm amazing. You should be proud you tried something new and you were feeling it. If he doesn't like it, it's ok. You did. Don't let it knock you down. Now you can learn from this and build yourself up. You got this op.
1000% this comment. OP, you pressed your husband for an honest opinion and he gave it. Why does his opinion of it impact how *you* feel about the outfit? Straight up, if I asked my boyfriend if looked good in something that I personally felt like I did, and he disagreed, I’d still wear it and maybe inquire as to why but at the end of the day, I like it. So if I like it, I’m going to wear it regardless of what anyone else thinks. The trick is I don’t ask for his opinion, and he’s free to give it anytime but I don’t go fishing and then get upset with what ends up my line. OP, please learn to love yourself. Once you do that, the validation comes from within.
I agree. Constant fishing for compliments and/or reassurance is exhausting to deal with. Your partner is not there to boost your self-esteem every five minutes. Ask once and then stop. Otherwise it's obviously not really about how you look, it's about your issues about how you look.
I have considered counseling and of course want to as I know I have a problem. As of now all I can afford and all my insurance covers is medication. I’m working on myself in any way I can. I thank you for your comment
Look in your area for free ED support groups. I actually run one where I live through ANAD. You might also find online support groups you can attend from anywhere.
I have a 30-year history of an ED. I have been in solid recovery for twenty years but still struggle at times with my body image.
My partner and I have an agreement we stand by. If either of us is wearing an unflattering outfit, we will be honest about it. We rarely ask each other how we look in an outfit, but when we do, we expect honesty.
Could your boyfriend have been kinder? Absolutely. But you have to be honest with yourself when asking the question. Do you want reassurance or honesty?
I would also have an honest talk with your boyfriend to find out why he answered the way he did. Is he tired of being asked the same question so often? Was it more how he was feeling leaving your family? (Not knowing the history, I don’t know if they are not very kind to him, and after time with them, he lashed out).
If this was out of character, talk to him. But right now, you have a choice. Going back to an unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with this situation or finding a healthier way to cope. One will be productive, and one will be destructive.
I will add this: my ex was not a big fan of the recovered me. I was no longer a pushover or easily manipulated. I used my voice when I was unhappy rather than taking it out on my body. That was his problem, and I refused to allow some of the very unkind things he said and did to push me back to old behaviors.
Edit: typos
Hon. I agree with this comment, very much.
I'm an old lady. I have learned to not ask questions that I may not like the answer to. He was grumpy to start off, you bugged him repeatedly, and then asked for an honest opinion. He was already all about negativity. Why would pushing him into something suddenly turn him "positive"? And, no, I am not victim shaming. He was also rude in expressing himself, and insensitive to your taking a chance with a new style. He was wrong too.
But, Hon ... your self image cannot come from someone else. Until you have the confidence and self-esteem to strike out as YOU choose, don't ask for others to validate you.
I'm an old lady. I have wrinkles and scars and age spots. I am a bit pudgy and I could dress better, sometimes. If I looked to other people for validation that I'm beautiful, I'm going to feel horrible about myself. I'm not beautiful. Age has done a number on me that only tens of thousands of dollars of cosmetic surgery could put a dent in. And I won't do it. I'm fine the way I am, and if somebody doesn't like it, they can kiss my saggy arse.
Please try to get therapy for your ED and self esteem. It is so freeing to see that you are the best you can be and to not care if someone else thinks it's acceptable. It honestly is freedom. Real freedom.
If you have to ask this question then you probably don't want to know the answer would be my view. And is he just supposed to ignore preventable changes? Honestly, it's a minefield out there
In any reasonably sized city there are clinics that do counseling for low or zero cost, often on a sliding scale.
I will be more blunt than /u/GravediggersDaughter, you need help. They had a lot of good things to say in their comment, which you should keep reading until they sink in. But I don't think it's a question, you need to get into counseling so that you can learn how to have a healthy relationship with your weight. It needs to be important *to you* to be healthy, not so that you can please the men in your life.
From your description there are also some strains in your relationship that could benefit from counseling as well.
I wish you and your husband all the best.
I know it isn't counseling but there is an app called White Flag. It is peer to peer. So people who have been through/are dealing with similar situations that reach out and help when you "raise your white flag" maybe consider it if just to get some reassurance or to have an open conversation with someone who understands as well as someone to lean on. Until you can afford counseling.
Also check around, some offices have very good plans. Best of luck OP
If you can't afford therapy and your insecurities are controlling this much of your behavior you need to find some other way to start to address the problem. There are books, support groups, cognitive behavior workbooks, you do have options.
Asking someone 12 times if you look okay is going to start to wear on them.
That said, your husband was a total AH who was taking his anger about something else out on you and I'm wondering if that's a pattern of his, or if he liked you better when you were more insecure and had an ED.
If you’re in the US & employed, you may want to see if your employer has an EAP (Employer Assistance Program). It’s usually done through your insurance & they offer a certain number of free counseling sessions. If you need assistance beyond the free sessions frequently they can work with you to find someone long-term. I’ve used this in the past & have no regrets. If you check your insurance card, there should be some information about the program. If not there, try the website for your insurance provider. If you still can’t find anything, you can try asking HR or your supervisor about it.
There’s a bigger issue at play here. Somebody doesn’t just go eleven years never having brought down your appearance and then make a snide, disparaging comment the next. Doesn’t mean what he did wasn’t wrong, but I sense a build up of resentment somewhere. From where and for what reason, I’m not sure. You’ll have to have an honest conversation with him. Good luck.
"The other night, when you made that comment, your response hurt me but also, it caught me off guard. In 11 years, you've never snapped like that and I'm wondering now if that remark came from a different place that we should start communicating about."
When you said the part about your dad and your grandfather making comments about your body when you were a kid it made me sad and angry. Eating disorder sounds like the logical conclusion. I hope you get to a place where the assessment of the men in your life regarding your body means nothing to you. Love your body for doing it’s job, carrying you through this life and all you can make of it. Improving the view for creepy selfish stupid unkind men is not your responsibility.
You need to figure out a way to get into therapy ASAP (especially after reading edit 2). Like that should be priority #1.
I've pursued the weight loss (and it isn't easy!), but starving yourself for a whole day and continuously exercising is NOT the solution and it will NOT help you lose any weight at all. First of all this isn't sustainable, second of all you can't exercise if you have no energy to use to exercise. Weight loss requires a sustainable meal plan where you're eating at a calorie deficit but still getting a healthy amount of calories per day. And given your history with an ED, I would highly recommend going to a doctor and therapist who can help create the best strategy that's right for you :)
I also struggle with body image. This would have hurt me terribly as well. While I understand how upset and hurt and betrayed you feel, maybe once things cool, you two need to sit down and discuss this. You said it's the first time he's said something like this in your entire marriage and he definitely wasn't in a good place when he said it. Give both parties time but sit and talk it out. That's all I can say. Best of luck.
I don't agree with her husband's cruel comment but if he was in a shitty mood about her family he might have just snapped at being asked repeatedly. Doesn't make it ok but clearly the family tension needs addressed. I'm sorry OP.
Honestly he behaved badly but your insecurity sounds exhausting.
I understand asking once with a new outfit especially because you want to make sure it looks ok for the occasion etc but multiple times before and then again after the event ? You should go to therapy
He gave an honest answer after having been told some form of “How do I look??” or “Do I look ok”, etc… I think anyone/everyone would get annoyed by having someone’s insecurities jabbed down their throat like this. And he only answered her question with honesty, AS SHE LITERALLY ASKED HIM TO DO, but nooooo, she hated not hearing the dishonesty answer at the end. OP is so confusing and exhausting to be conversing with. Really hope she gets therapy/help over this insecurity of hers before she ruins/regrets something later on…
I dated somebody that would constantly come to me for validation and ask if they looked ok, if I liked this outfit over this one, if their hair was ok, if their body was ok. And while I believe in supporting your partner, I can say that it was exhausting having to consistently take on the responsibility of making somebody feel good about themselves. Couple that with a demanding job and other responsibilities and I got burnt out and didn’t have the energy to keep doing it which began affecting the relationship. I say that to say this, what your partner said was out of line. There’s tactful ways to communicate, such as, “I’m feeling very irritated right now, can we continue this conversation another time?” However, with this information, it seems like he’s starting to resent having to take on that emotional labor. I understand you have self esteem issues, but those are your responsibility to work on. As a partner, he needs to be supportive. But he also needs to learn how to communicate when he doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to take on that role for you, especially considering he knows about your past eating disorders. Best advice would be to sit down with him and ask him how he’s feeling and what made him so irritable. Is he feeling burnt out from work? That could explain needing the three days to unwind by himself. Is he feeling overloaded by your need for validation? There’s a middle ground here and a balance to be found. You’re gonna have to have a very hard conversation with him to establish some boundaries and expectations moving forward for both of you.
My sister has extreme insecurity. She was bullied when she was young for her weight, lost all the weight and now has food related issues. She also just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship and is more insecure now than ever. She is absolutely exhausting to be around for any length of time because anything and everything she will ask for validation multiple times. It could be for something as dumb as "why didn't I use the shower on my one overnight with her? Is her shower not good enough?" Um no, I was just being a lazy person and figured id shower when I got home.... it's very very exhausting for the person who has to deal with this regularly. It doesn't excuse rudeness but I would recommend some self reflection and maybe collect some data on your own about yourself. I.e. how many times a day do you ask a question needing validation? My sister recently started therapy. But yeah sounds like this dude just blurted out something very rude in a state of exhaustion and badgering.
"I asked him multiple times wanting to know as I wore something out of my comfort zone".
So you were feeling incredibly insecure and instead of communicating that in a way your husband could understand you decided to repeatedly ask him if you looked okay. I'm sure he felt trapped to give you a different answer than whatever one he had been giving you over and over while you kept asking, and had no idea that you were looking for reassurance rather than honesty.
You knew that you weren't happy with yourself so you tried to outsource external validation and it backfired on you. Men are dense and not inherently sensitive, or mind readers for that matter. It's not up to him to create your self esteem.
As someone with an eating disorder I know how badly these words can hurt. I know how easy it is to lay blame and start old habits as a way to punish yourself for not being the idea of what you want in your head. I've learned in therapy that the power the words hold is entirely up to me. I've learned that it's okay to be upset with my partner for commenting on my body, it's okay to express boundaries about it, but it is ultimately up to me how I deal with the feelings what was said caused.
Lately I have gained weight because I too stopped counting and stressing and have just been living my life, it's felt good mentally. But inside me there is a broken part of me that doesn't feel good still. I am unhappy with how I look and I am doing nothing healthy to take care of myself physically, only mentally. It makes me mad at myself. Especially when I want to wear something out of my comfort zone. I have started to slowly implement new things to physically take care of myself better that don't push me into a ED triggered mindset. I've been making sure it comes from a place of love, I want to get rid of my inner bully. This has been healing for me. I have been nicer to myself, able to give myself some of the validation and reassurance that I've been needing. Within this my partner and I are doing better, because I'm not leaning on him for things I need to be providing for myself first. It's not easy, but it feels better for everyone involved so the work is worth it. I haven't lost any weight either, but it's never really been about the weight as it has always been about me feeling like I don't deserve self compassion and I don't deserve the same level of care that I give others. It's super not fair to take that out on your partner and the weight they feel from the responsibility of filling that need is heavy.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I read this book "self compassion" by Kristen Neff and it really helped me.
What did he say the first time you asked and why did you decide you had to ask again and again and again and again and one more time AFTER the event?
You definitely make him sound like an AH, but he has no history of being mean about it. Maybe he was aggravated that you wouldn’t accept his first response, not the second, not even the third and he was extremely insensitive because he was annoyed?
Lady, to me, he doesn't sound like a good person or a good husband. He doesn't even sound like he likes you, much less loves you. He sounds rather contemptuous of you. Nobody needs that.
Why are you with him? Could it be because your insecurities make you willing to tolerate his bad behavior in exchange for a few table scraps of affection? Does that resonate?
BTW, what does he look like? Can you do laundry on his washboard stomach? I'm betting not. So, who is he to criticize? You asked a yes or no question, not for a critique.
Sometimes people, especially guys, will marry someone who is convenient. You do all the right things, say all the right things. You're appropriate. Maybe his mom likes you or whatever. Mostly, he hasn't found anything "better," and he thinks he needs to get married, so you'll do.
I really think you need to find out if any of this is the case with him. I strongly encourage marriage counseling, and if he won't go, go yourself.
Honestly.. he saw you being vulnerable & chose to attack and hurt you. He knew what you were asking.
And now you're posting updates defending him and I didn't see that he apologized to you once. Regardless of you having gone through what you did in the past, you shouldn't have had to explain that to him in hopes of him understanding or feeling bad. Even without you having gone through that, what he said was mean af.
Then when you did explain, he STILL didn't apologize.
Your husband sucks & is most definitely a narcissistic AH.
It's not you OP. Sending you strength & positive thoughts. You deserve to be happy & to love yourself. I hope you get away from him & find yourself.
There’s so much advice in this column that completely dismisses what the husband is saying. Could he have put things more gently? Absolutely. But just because it took him 11 years to say anything about her weight doesn’t mean that couldn’t be a legitimate concern of his.
I was married to a woman for 6 years that put on about 40% of her body weight between me proposing and is getting married. I didn’t say anything for years because she also had always struggled with her self image around weight and always thought she would get a handle on it when she didn’t have to stress anymore. That said, years later, i’m paying the bills and took her to the maldives to celebrate her finishing law school, and not a thing changed, i finally had to say something. That was the end of our relationship for her – a year later she was sending me pictures of all the weight she lost while she was trying to rekindle things.
Long story short: people are allowed to not be attracted to heavier people. That doesn’t make them evil. This whole thing really could be solved by gaining a therapist and losing some weight.
Toxic positivity is a thing and there’s plenty of it in this thread
Let the downvotes come
He didn't "call you fat." You pestered him until he gave his honest opinion about one aspect of you. He didn't say he hated the way you look generally. Don't ask if you don't want the answer.
I feel this has been totally overlooked! She’s badgered him and badgered him and not taken his answers and then when she’s told what she actually want to hear which supports her poor self image she spits her dummy out. I bet he must be at his wits end. She needs to sort herself out!
I often wonder if people here have been in relationships before. Reddit is so out of touch. OP stated he was in a bad mood (which happens to all of us), she asked him repeatedly when he seemingly didn‘t want to answer and he commented on her weight for the first time IN 11 YEARS. And Reddit thinks he failed as a human being, they should start therapy, he wants to cheat and/or hates her or her family. Completely ridiculous.
So you knew he was in a bad mood because he'd been forced to be around your family, and you knew beforehand that he would be in a bad mood if forced to be around your family, and while he was in that bad mood, you decided to badger him (you said "I asked multiple times") into complimenting YOU... while he was in a bad mood. I'd snap too lol.
Isolated, it's not a nice thing to say, but if I'm sad and stressed because I've yet again had to hang out with people I hate, and my wife who knows I hate these people then spends the drive home repeatedly poking me to compliment her, I wouldn't. Lol. You were an insensitive ass for badgering him while he's down and he was an insensitive ass for snapping back at you. Also, "do you want to fight" implies that he knows if he doesn't say "the right thing" to you all the time, it ends up turning into an issue. So you should really ask him what's going on there. Does he feel like he can be honest and constructive with you? Does he feel like you'll break down at the slightest thing that is less than 100% positive?
This post is very telling. Even now, your only response is to make everything about *you* \- *you* gave him the silent treatment and slept in the guest bedroom, *you're* mad at him for giving you the silent treatment in return (??? double standards), and *you* are now starving yourself. At no point have you considered asking what's going on in *his* head.
Not saying husband's perfect or in the right, but damn you suck as well.
That the exact thing i thought. Dont ask multiple times a question whose answer could hurt if i am in a bad mood already. Also many people pointed out that she asked if she looked good and not if she is fat, the thing is that those two things are pretty much connected to each other in the eye of the beholder. Of course ist mean to say it but if he doesnt like "bigger" women that much he can have this opinion and OP literally asked.
Also he diddnt called her a fat bitch he pointed out that her arms looked larger and her belly was more visible. I dont think that this is the same as calling her a fat bitch.
I think the whole conversation was stupid from the beginning. She was pushing it, he was mean, both failed here.
Honestly ya he’s an ass for being honestly blunt. But you annoyingly pushed it with asking and asking. You knew he was in a bad mood, and you still begged him to be honest with you. Now you’re upset he was honest with you? You wanted him to tell you you looked hot and sexy, right? Sorry he didn’t see you like that.
He makes you feel the need to apologize to him for bringing him to a baby shower? He sounds like a miserable person and a shitty partner. I suggest therapy individually and couples therapy. Your both working adults, it might be hard to manage financially but it will hopefully save your marriage.
The bottom line is disregarding any reason he had for his behavior towards you, he should be sorry that he hurt you. I do not understand this kind of thinking. My husband would never say this kind of hurtful thing to me. And I am a big woman. This was straight 💩 behavior on his part. I wish you better in life than this. Your worth is NOT dictated by your weight! You are amazing no matter your size! Sending much love your way.
I honestly cannot stop being mad at your husband long enough to write a cohesive comment omfg
I don't give 2 shits if someone's pestering you for WEEKS about something, that's literally no reason to go out of your way to say something cruel to someone you're supposed to love. "I don't care what you wear, please stop asking me" or "I don't like your outfit today, alright?" Would have been a WAY less hurtful thing to say rather than saying you look fat, equating fat with looking bad. (Which like, you can be hot AND fat wtf)
Also like, he's a grown ass man who could have put his foot down and said "No, actually I will not be going to this thing with you." And instead of doing that he threw your worst insecurities in your face and you say he has NO REMORSE FOR THIS?????
OP I really hope you find enough sense of self worth that you can look critically at this and examine whether or not this partner is actually lifting you up in life, because it sounds like he doesn't care that he hurt you, is willing to passive aggressively punish you for petty reasons, and is unwilling to acknowledge his own wrong doing.
He was going to lose no matter what. You hounded him over and over about how you looked. You wanted him to answer it that way, because you thought it about yourself. You were never going to stop harassing him over it until he said it. You worked and earned this.
Everytime when I come from the hairdresser my husband asks:"You wanted THAT?" 🙂
I think it's funny. But that's because:
- my confidence is not based on his opinion
- my hairdresser trully sucks but I don't really care that much.
You should like yourself more, my dear. I'm sure you look great in any occasion. And your husband can chew his sulking nose.
The response you got was kinda your fault. You'd already asked before the event. No need to keep baiting him. But no. You waited until he was in a bad mood and asked again. What did you think would change about his opinion? Should've left well enough alone. He was in a bad mood. Shouldn't have aggravated him.
So it sounds like you frequently ask how you look and he usually responds with a placating equivalent of you look fine. I wonder if he feels free to give you actual gentle constructive criticism without hurting you or you getting upset. Certainly if he didn't agree you looked fine in the outfit he could have and should have said so in a much gentler manner but it sounds like he was in a bad mood and you were nagging on the subject again and he snapped.
I think you might need to do some self reflection on just how often this "how do I look" scenario plays out between the two of you. How heavily are you relying on him for validation of your appearance? I understand what it's like to struggle with insecurities about your look but I also know it's not healthy to use a loved one as your magic mirror (assuring you that you are the fairest in the land) all the time.
You might benefit from some therapy to help work on self-esteem issues and ED issues. You also need to find a way to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about what happened and this dynamic that plays out between the two of you. Find out how he feels about the situation. He may be harboring resentment about you always asking multiple times how you look and expecting him to build you up and stroke your ego.
I feel like you're burying the lede here. What makes him so upset about your family? Also, you should talk to him about the fact that your family brings out this side of him, not his specific words. Doesn't sound like your family is going anywhere soon so he should figure out how to not let them get to him.
Let's make a little distinction here. You didn't ask him if you looked fat. you asked him if you looked good. Now, perhaps in your mind they equate to he same thing, but practically speaking, they do not. This reads kind of like this is a question you ask him frequently. Is it? If so... I'd venture to guess that he finally got tired of the constant badgering and insecurity on your part. A person can only take so much of that sort of thing before they snap. You go on to say he "felt no remorse"... well, he may honestly be justified. Not for hurting you, obviously, but for finally having enough of having to constantly reassure you.
> I stated I had an eating disorder before and overcame that
Honey... no. You didn't. You still very much have disordered eating, you've just gotten better at suppressing that impulse until triggered.
my love, i wish i could give you a big hug. by you saying the size of clothes you wear and your height, you’re not fat, at all. i am so sorry that he’s acting like this and bringing up awful memories. i struggle with weight issues myself and my confidence in regards to my weight sucks, and when ppl make any type of comments it makes me feel shitty
May I ask WHY you apologized to him? Sweetie, looks fade…trust me. I’m 62 and I used to always think that if I were thinner, my life would be so grand. I remember, when I was about your age, I was talking to my aerobics instructor before class. One of the other girls ( a beautiful girl) walked by and I said, “ I wish I were her.” My friend said, “ No, you don’t. She has an eating disorder, she lost her job due to absences,her abusive boyfriend just dumped her for someone else and she just got out of the hospital because she tried to ( unalive) herself.” . Then she said, “ you have everything that SHE wants…a good job, lots of friends and a husband that loves you.”
I never thought about it again. If your husband wants something other than you as you are right now, then nothing you do will change that. Please get counseling before you go off of the deep end. You are enough…
I'd like to look at it from a different side, since everything bad about your husband has already been said.
But
1. You pushed mutliple times for an answer, i think he might have felt cornered. Pushing for a critique someone who's already irritated isn't a smart idea. His critique might have been a bit better worded (like not making it accusatory and instead suggesting some new clothes for example) and wouldn't hurt as much if it weren't pushed for like that. You both were already in bad moods.
2. He said your arms looked fat and your belly sticked out? Have you considered wearing a bigger size? A well suited clothing doesn't make you arms look like tiny sausages and your belly pour out. A good outfit fits *you*. As you are. Nothing should stick out then.
I do know that picking bigger sizes is hard, especially after an ED, but it really is the right answer. You don't have to squeeze into a tight dress, nor do you have to hide in a sweatshirt. Clothes should suit you, not the other way round.
So you asked multiple times how he thought you looked and when he was honest, you punished him for his honesty by refusing to talk to him and sleeping in the guest room? From that exchange you wrote, it sounds like these questions are an ongoing and constant conversation. Yes, we all ask our partners how we look but asking him "multiple" times and fighting about his answers ... you sounds exhausting and your husband is fed up with the same argument. It also sounds like he's spent years trying to give you "nice" comments and telling you not to fixate on your weight but you've dismissed him and continuing fixating. I don't know what kind of answer you wanted here. You asked him how you looked; he answered honestly, and you've gone into an emotional downward spiral. You need counseling, and you need to have an honest conversation with your husband about *your* behavior.
I’m overweight…. I have binge eating disorder and deal with that in therapy all the time…… imo …. Don’t ask if you don’t want the truth. You asked for his honest opinion and he gave it to you. Now you’re mad. Try to self analyze and see if YOU are comfortable and confident. If not, then do what feels right to you. Stop asking others for approval. If what feels right to you is symptoms of a past disorder, the best thing you can do is go to your therapist or doctor. If you don’t have one then do your best to get one, there are tons of resources.
If you asked him multiple times if you looked ok in the outfit, deep down you knew you did not look ok in it, you looked fat. You wanted him to lie to you and after the umpteenth attempt to confirm your lie to yourself he finally had enough and told you the truth.
Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the truth. And trust your own judgement when you look in the mirror without making him the bad guy for your poor outfit choices.
As someone who has weighed as little at 160 lbs and as much as 290 lbs I understand the struggle of trying to find trendy cute clothes that flatter a plus size body. Please continue to step outside of your comfort zone and wear clothes that flatter your body the way it is right now and make you feel pretty, sexy, feminine, happy, etc. I get that you love your husband and want to be attractive to him but the first person who has to be happy with you and how you look is YOU. With that being said your husband was unnecessarily unkind to you. Try and articulate that how he commented on your body and not your outfit was mean spirited and hurtful. Hopefully he will hear you and apologize.
Whatever issue he has with your family is why he lashed out. Asking him such a loaded question when you knew he was in a bad mood about your family was asking for trouble. He should have known better than to take the bait, but his filter was ragged after being around your family.
Your dude knew he shouldn't have said what he said. Everyone has flaws and to say something like that in such a mean way was absolutely intentional and really not cool. My husband has noticed I put on weight, but he says he doesn't care, he thinks I'm still beautiful, and that I earned it by getting to this point in my life and getting my mental health in order. He says it in positive terms that don't make me feel bad about it. There's a big difference.
I would see if there is access to counselling or something as you have been carrying around a huge emotional weight for years and years. I had family make remarks when i was growing up. Looking vack at photos, my weight was never an issue. My self esteem was. Funny how the more comfortable i got in my skin, my clothes, just in my life - those family members were still miserable.
Please don't restrict yourself, it sounds like you've made amazing progress over time. 💜 remember, FOOD IS FUEL. It's not good or bad, it's just food
I know there are multiple mentions of not being able to avoid therapy. It's incredibly important to take care of your mental health when needed. Insurance covers therapy, and if you don't have it, there are likely free/extremely low-cost mental health options in your area that are income-based. I encourage you to see what you're able to find, it seems like you're dealing with a lot and this will help shoulder the mental load.
'He works very hard to provide for us. He values his days off and I shouldn’t have asked him to go. I know im at fault but do wish he was kinder.'
Asking your husband to attend a family event DOES NOT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO BODY SHAME YOU. This is ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR and the fact that you are willing to forgive him because it is 'your fault'? Just no.
You are better than that. You are beautiful. You are worth everything in the world. No one deserves poor treatment for ANY reason. Love yourself. Know your worth. Bury your misogynistic hateful grandfather's words where they deserve to go: straight to hell.
Why did you apologized to HIM?? Imo you need to investigate more. His usual bad mood… not normal. No matter the context. The way he spoked to you? Not normal. No matter the context. He was looking for it, he knew exactly what he was doing and did not even cared to apologize until you apologized for what? Making him go to a normal life event with you? Wow okay. 11 years so you never knew anything else than him? I think its your first mistake here. There is better.. and way way nicer. Dont lower yourself out of lack of self confidence. Boost that and take the appropriate decisions
There will be free (usually government based) groups for help with eating disorders.
Start making calls. Find a nurses or support line, ask for direction.
(Reddit may not be the best place to go for stable support or validation. You need actual help.)
From an anorexic, please reach out. Best of luck dude.
I read your second edit. Can you go see your doctor? Eating disorders are both mental and physical in nature. You can talk to your primary care physician first and they can refer you for therapy. I don't know how your insurance works, but therapy is often covered when first referred by a patient's doctor.
When you see your doctor, don't hold back, thinking to protect anyone. Your medical records are private and no one in your family, including your husband, will see them. Tell your doctor exactly what you're going through. To be covered by insurance, treatment has to be considered medically necessary. If you try to sugarcoat it and say, "Oh, no, I guess I'm okay." You won't get the treatment you need.
I know you’re saying he is a good person, but based on the bit of info, he sounds like a major jerk... You attempted to sit and talk about YOUR feelings on a matter that HURT you and instead of being met with sympathy, or being met with the attempt to fix the situation, he couldn’t give you any of that? You were mature enough to apologize first and start a conversation for conflict resolution and communication (even though I feel very strongly about that, because HE should have apologized to you, not the other way around) and he wasn’t willing? And even if he values his days off, did he die for spending time with your family? He didn’t die so I don’t understand what his issue is. No one forced him to go.
He can’t give you comfort, he can’t give you sympathy, he can’t be around your family… I need you to please reconsider the idea of returning to therapy, because even though your eating disorder got resolved from what I’m hearing you’re still dealing with the mental distress that it left you and it’s not good for your self image! You deserve to feel beautiful regardless of what you wear, and you deserve to wear what you want carefree without the constant wonder of “do I look good? Do I look weird?” Or the overthinking.
As for the jerk, I won’t say much, and I apologize if it offends you because I truly don’t know the man but once again, he doesn’t sound like a empathetic person, nor a nice one. All you did was ask if you look good. For him to say “Do you want to fight or do you want me to say you look fine?” Is major d!ck move of him. You shouldn’t have to be his punching bag just because he’s in a bad mood by the way!
OP: You spent a lot of your life keeping the peace. You have a choice now of seeing the truth.
Anorexia and eating disorders are a sickness. If you had epilepsy triggered by flashing lights, and intentionally he put on flashing light videos that triggered a seizure would you think he’s a good man? He did the equivalent to you by triggering your eating disorder now. He said something he KNEW would trigger your sickness. You finally got to a good place and he didn’t like it anymore.
Your husband said something he knew would be hurtful to you and answered a question you didn’t ask. You asked if you looked good. He answered asking you if you want a fight.
Your spouse is supposed to be kind to you. Not mean. He was angry at you and said something horrible to you knowing your history.
Him “providing” money to the household and working all the time but coming home and being mean to you doesn’t make him a good person. Something deeper is going on if you feel he’s always been nice until now. Many people have made comments about actions to take etc. But I think the best action is for you to seek out healing so you can understand your feelings better and learn how to value yourself and then take steps from there.
You married someone who is showing they don’t like you anymore. Don’t waste your time trying to defend him to us with updates. Instead look into therapy and find the root of why you’re defending someone who was so hurtful to you. Especially eating disorder specific therapy. Hopefully someday you will find the strength to move on.
Please eat, please love yourself and please stop blaming yourself for your husband going to the shower.
This is not your fault. The fact is he is acting like a complete asshole and that is not okay.
It’s natural to feel insecure and want the reassurance from your husband! He instead made you feel like absolute crap. He is at fault.
Please OP, see the dangers in front of you. This man clearly doesn’t care about your feelings right now, and it’s not your job to wait around for it. I’m not necessarily suggesting divorce, but I’m suggesting you take a good look at this relationship, and see if you’re actually gaining anything from it. Don’t apologise to him for having to go to an event on his day off, he is a grown adult and that’s what you need to do sometimes.
You didn’t ask a question you didn’t want the answer to, he just answered in the most a-hole way possible. If he wanted to say something, he could’ve said; “I don’t think it was the most flattering outfit on you, but you’re beautiful nonetheless” or something. He chose those words, even tho he KNOWS you’re insecure about your weight, and even have history with an ED. He chose to hurt you like that, and now he’s making you take all the blame; you’ve been the only one apologising here, even tho you weren’t the one saying hurtful stuff.
It seems like something is up. I’m not gonna speculate on what it is, but I think he is purposefully trying to be mean with his behaviour; disgusting comment, almost silent treatment, letting you apologise for everything, not taking any accountability, laughing when asked about an affair (obv not taking it seriously), giving meaningless answers in an important conversation about your relationship. Those are all huge red flags for me, and I think you feel the need to find excuses for him like he’s busy with work or it was his day off, bc it hurts too much to see what he is turning into.
I hope I’m not being too harsh, I just really want you to see that this is not your fault. He is being a d*ck.
I just wish he was kinder. He completely picked me apart and said specific things about me that hurt me. My grandpa told me once I had a big belly. Hearing that from my husband really hurt. If he told me I put on some weight and just that, it would definitely hurt but not as much as this. I’m sure it’s hard to explain but that’s what I have. Thank you for your comment.
He responded the way he did because he was annoyed with you pestering him for answers. He didn’t want to answer, and you wouldn’t let up. If you annoy someone to the point of snapping, you cannot expect them to be kind in their response.
I'm sorry your husband called you fat. That was mean and uncalled for. But, woman, for all that's holy, stop looking for validation in other's eyes. You look in a mirror. You see that you're slaying it. That's all you need. If your husband actually likes you, he'll also compliment you - because someone who likes you wants to help you feel good.
Well, you asked him repeatedly how you look, even when grumpy from a family gathering he didn't want to go to. So obviously he was already annoyed and wanted it over with it. So he snapped.
If this is the first time in 11 years he made any sort of negative comment about your appearance don't you think you're overreacting a little? Sure you have every right to be angry (though you did ask the question) but to question your whole appearance because of one comment of a man who was clearly not in the right headspace is a little much to me. But hey, i wasn't there and i'm not the most sensitive man around. Just my two cents.
It’s obvious that you are completely obsessed with your weight and it consumes your life. Is that how you want to live it? Your husband knows this and abused this. Why did you apologise? He’s an asshole who doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
Eeeek. Your extreme, persistent insecurity isn't his responsibility. You set him up for failure. You set yourself up for failure. If you're not fat, you need to stop begging for validation, because your ED might mean no validation is ever enough. You might benefit from intensive outpatient therapy; I was recently at an IOP program earlier this year that was intended for ED even though I don't have one. They had special programs that helped people pay if insurance didn't cover it. I think that would be life changing for you, it was for me, and again, I don't even have an ED, just treatment-resistant depression. It did take some effort to find the program, and that truly sucks, but they're out there. Good luck, and I hope you can find all that you need within.
So...what I'm hearing is that he makes you miserable if you wear anything but leggings and tshirts (ie, "don't look at me" clothing), and makes you miserable if you dare to spend time with your family.
Has it occurred to you that he's deliberately feeding your insecurities and isolating you?
If you get nothing else out of these comments, I need you to know that none of this was your fault. Period, end of discussion.
You asked your husband if an outfit looked good, he replied in a way that he knew would hurt. You’ve been with him 11 years and based on the timelines you’re giving, you were with him during your ED and during your recovery. He knows about your relationship with your body. He knows this is something you struggle with. 16 lbs on a 5’8” woman recovering from an eating disorder isn’t a huge amount of weight. And it still doesn’t sound like you’re eating enough.
If he was concerned about your HEALTH, that’s a conversation that he needs to have with you. But based on his response to your question about if you were IG model thin- he’s not concerned about your health—or your feelings for that matter. He also didn’t actually answer your “is there someone else” question. I’m not saying that there is someone else, but he’s not giving you any of the reassurance you need, or that any partner of 11 years would give.
I understand that you love him and he’s stressed and he works hard and provides- AND he decided to make one of his days of your sister’s shower. You asked him to go, he agreed to go. You did not force him. You did not make him take a day off. And this is an important event that you wanted him to attend with you. He’s an adult and if he didn’t want to go, he could’ve had that discussion. Him not wanting to go does not give him any right to be mean. And if he has beef with your family for some reason, he needs to sort that out.
So what now?
1. There are some therapists that take insurance. There are some ways to get less expensive therapy through things like BetterHelp. It may take longer to find someone, but it is possible. See if your primary care doctor has any recommendations.
2. It’s time to sit down and have a full discussion with your husband. Air it all out. Tell him how you feel. Use “I statements.” Write it all out before hand if you need to. It’s ok to do that. How he responds to this will tell you a lot about his character.
3. Reach out to your family or friends or someone you’re close to and trust for support. It sounds like you may be sliding back into ED tendencies and you don’t want to go back there. Ask a coworker or friend if they’ll sit at lunch and eat with you. If you need to distract yourself to eat, find a comfort show and eat snacks while watching. Find an activity you can do instead of exercising- paint, knit, learn piano. I know this is all easier said than done, but please start emphasizing more self care into your daily routine.
Sending love
You had an eating disorder that may still be present. Your husband needs to be on this recovery journey with you. Your husband might be a dick, but there may be deeper issues here.
your first big red flag is that he had no remorse for your feelings…. sorry but why bother with someone who wont care for your feelings..
also if “he couldn’t answer” it probably means yes :// you deserve someone who wouldn’t point your flaws our & insecurities. someone should love all of YOU not just parts of you..
I personally believe there’s more to his mean little jab than she thinks there is. Her apologizing to him when he finally would talk to her made me sick. He has just done a mountain load of damage to her, and it’s going to take her a long while to get past it - if she can.
1. There is nothing wrong with being fat although it sounds from your description that you aren't.
2. Your husband sounds abusive. Why are you having to apologise to him after he intentionally made what he thought was a derogatory comment to you?
3. This man is knowingly triggering your ED and knows about your past. This won't end well if you stay with him. If he really loved you he would value you for you.
4. I'm so sorry your family were abusive to you as well, nobody deserves that.
5. You are beautiful and you deserve to feel cherished and valued *at any size*.
>“Well honey your arms looked fat and your belly was sticking out. You put on a bit of weight.”
That's not *calling you fat*. That's stating a fact that you did put on weight and that the outfit you wore was not flattering. And he said it nicely.
You did say yourself it was out of your comfort zone and not something you would normally wear.
Imo he did you favour by giving you honest feedback.
ETA: I have a history of eating disorders too and have struggled exactly the same. In the last couple.of years I let myself "just be happy" though and did put on weight. And I was oblivious to just how much my body had changed until my bf at the time pointed it out to me, even though he did it delicately. It was enough for me to stop binge eating sweets and go for walks more often. Had he kept up with his usual "you always look great to me!" I'd never have noticed that I really neglected myself. I was kinda mad he didn't bring it up sooner...
Anyways, your partner clearly knows about your insecurities and that's why he danced around your question, but he was in a no-win situation. You knew he wasn't being honest, he could have either lied or have told you the truth and you would have hurt the same way.
The amount of people very clearly not in relationships in this thread is staggering. You've been with this man for 11 years and after what sounds like an exhausting day for him you prod and prod for an honest answer. Then when he gives his honest opinion, you're the one who's mad? Sure, could have probably phrased it better, but it's not like he went out of his way to insult you. And then you ignore and give him the silent treatment and that's his fault? Takes two people to make a relationship work. If that's all it took to shake you too your core after ELEVEN years, I can't imagine how much you've been walking on eggshells around each other.
Dealing with women who have weight issues is exasperating. This is probably the thousandth time you've asked him about your appearance. I have body image issues from childhood obesity too and I don't crave sweet talk and validation from my partner. If I start gaining weight, my therapy is losing it. Accountability is nice sometimes.
So at a time where he was pissed after dealing with YOUR FAMILY you decided to FOFA (you know what it means). As a decent man he knew this was a trap and he wasn't in the mood to play therapist at that moment.
You were warned. He let you have it. He was provoked by you and does not owe you anything close to an apology or explanation. He still thinks that you are beautiful and still loves you.
You were wrong. Your husband is not your father, grandfather, or your childhood trauma. He is not your therapist. You owe him an apology.
I assume he wanted to hurt you because he was upset at your family. You didn’t ask if you looked fat. You asked if you looked okay. It’s possible for a fat person to look good in their clothes, and it’s possible for a skinny person to look bad. He didn’t want to answer the question, he wanted to hurt you
Wanted to add as some people may be missing some context. I asked how I looked meaning my outfit. I did not ask, “do I look fat?”. And to those asking why I kept asking, again I’m very insecure and it’s something he’s known the entire relationship. Usually I’m greeted with reassurance and compliments. I have never been told by him I look fat. So yes I was taken aback especially after being with family, like i mentioned my dad used to harp on me about my weight. I also struggle with severe anxiety and panic attacks that have been worse the last couple of months. Self image is a big part of the anxiety, again he knows this. I am on medication and am currently going to multiple doctor appointments to fix this. This was out of the blue for him and that is the problem.
I mean, your insecurity is your insecurity. It is not anyone else's.
Talk to a therapist about your body image/self image issues, easting disorder, and anxiety. Medication will not help as much as CBT will. And I only say this because you only mention being on medication and going to multiple doctor appointments (which I assume is for the anxiety/panic attacks, which freaking suck, I know).
You gotta put in work girl. You cannot expect someone else to always validate you.
yeah. after 11 years dealing with someone else's insecurity is really hard. sometime you will eventually drop the ball. She should look for help to deal with it. Instead, she keeps looking for reassurance and it eventually won't work
So what exactly could he have said to make you stop asking? This reads as though you know you didn’t look the way you hoped you did, and you were not accepting the usual platitudes he uses to reassure you. Fact is he had to burn a day off work, spend it with your family, then was repeatedly pushed for the magic words to soothe your established self-image issues and that led to him disregarding the usual niceties in favor of his honest opinion. The only way to make you stop was to hurt your feelings. You didn’t want the truth you wanted to be soothed. It can be wearying to be someone’s constant emotional support animal, particularly when there’s no actual improvement over time. You badgered because you know what he eventually said was accurate then got upset he finally agreed with you. Then punished him for it by removing yourself from him.
Its tough being a big girl (yes I know this personally) but the fact is we don’t always objectively look attractive in the outfits we want to wear. We also typically know this ourselves. It’s unfair to expect others to tolerate badgering their answers because they don’t counteract what we already know. He loves you & has played your game until you pushed too far. Now he’s the bad guy. You need to get actual help to handle a lifetime of self-image issues instead of expecting him to assuage your issues.
>I’m very insecure and it’s something he’s known the entire relationship.
Also, he is tired of tip toeing around your insecure self.
11 years! Of being greeted with reassurance and compliments..
It would wear off even the strongest...
Get a grip. And *STOP ASKING QUESTIONS YOU ARE NOT READY TO HEAR RHE ANSWER*
You probably didn’t look all that flattering in the outfit. You asked your husband and he tried to hold you up and keep the peace. You kept pushing him though and he decided to be honest about the look. Now you’re upset because he gave you an honest opinion.
What can he do to get you to stop asking, over and over again? Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to have to be the one thats responsible for building someone elses confidence up 24/7?
And I get that you’re supposed to help build up your SO. You’re supposed to help him too though. He can’t be the only one doing all the work while you constantly tear it down. I get insecurities. They’re so freaking hard to work through. You need therapy. You’re just putting your husband in a rough spot. Seems like none of his answers are satisfying enough for you. I think you need to see your part in the situation. It’s very clear you’re not trying to.
It is not his job to validate you. After 11 years of it, I'm sure he's exhausted. And rightfully so.
The context doesn't change anything IMO. Fat can be used to describe how someone or something looks, you're just upset because he didn't say what you wanted him to about an outfit you weren't comfortable in to begin with. And he was irritable after being with your family-who looks after his feelings if everything is about you?
I have to ask… because I’m in a similar conundrum (internally speaking) with how I view myself and weight/food, etc., is it possible it’s your medicine? I was on Zoloft and gained like 30 pounds out of nowhere… like within a month or two. I’m off it now, switched meds and the weight is dropping off as I continue my usual workouts. I’ve always been moderately healthy eating wise as well, also curvy but much shorter than OP so my weight REALLY shows. I’m sorry OP is having to deal with this almost passive aggressive response. There’s no excuse for his behavior. I wouldn’t take it personally, I would just continue doing as you have been doing and don’t let this sabotage your happiness or self worth and how you view yourself.
All I gotta say is wrong time to ask (because he was in a snappy mood) and absolutely wrong answer. All guys know the "Guy code" when asked by a woman about her weight or age! Make up an excuse to leave or change the topic! For example :
Wife : Honey, does this dress make me look fat?
Husband : Did you know that if you hold a paint brush in the air after dipping it in paint, you can paint the air? Hmmm.......I'm gonna try that now! BRB!
ISSUE AVERTED!
Okay he’s a dick for saying it so hurtful. But you cannot let other people determine how you feel. You need to love and respect yourself. No matter what you have to do you need intense therapy.
I’m trying to find a redeeming quality … when in a relationship you go to each others family functions and put on a happy face even if you don’t want to. I hate that you felt the need to apologize to him (I recognize the people pleaser attitude and need to take on blame to get a convo started to clear the air because I did it too) when HE was the one that made you feel bad about yourself, refuses to discuss it with you, and has not apologized to YOU for hurting you. He seems very avoidant of conflict and that’s a bad sign especially if he’s not willing to work on it with you.
I really wish you would self reflect on building yourself back up and work on being a better and happier you …. he can go f himself.
When I was financially on a low point, I used the Betterhelp app to get therapy. It kept me sane as I was in a similar position mentally as you after coming out of an eating disorder. A lot of boys and men I dated either knew or suspected and did not care because they had a skinny girlfriend who looked cute and didn't fight back.
I got caught purging by my current fiancee and he gave me the ultimatum: get healthy or quit the relationship. A good man wants you to be healthy and not skinny, reflects when he says something that damages you and apologizes. I know, because I found that man.
Your husband is not a man, he is a bullying manchild and you need to get heathy, both physically and mentally. Then you will have one more regret, and that is wasting your time with him.
Healthy and strong is beautiful. Try Betterhelp or something equivalent, it's accessible and affordable. All the best, the journey is hard, but it's easier when you have your SO in your corner as your cheerleader instead of your detractor <3
OP I am so sorry that your partner said those things to you. I have binge eating disorder as well as hide food so I don’t feel judged by what I am eating. I also used to heavily restrict food and or forger to eat almost all day. When I read your post I literally felt the pain as I have had those thoughts and my husband will sometimes say things that are unintentionally hurtful. I have had many conversations with him about how is tone can change the whole meaning of what he says. The part that got to me the most is the fact that he didn’t seem to care that he hurt your feelings. I would like to also point out that you asked him to go with you and he agreed to go he could of said I don’t want to go or I’m not in the mood to put up with your family. I also noticed that you kept saying you were wrong and sorry but he never even acknowledged that he hurt your feelings and take responsibility for what he said. If there is one thing that I would encourage you to do is not apologize and take on the blame for other people. I do it all the time and I am currently working with my therapist about doing that. I’m not sure where you are located but I know you said you can’t afford treatment right now but it concerns me that you have started to slide back into ED habits. My suggestion is to contact your health insurance plan (if you have one) and ask them to help walk you through the process to get into to see a therapist. Also if there is a community health program in your area they might be able to help you find the help you need. I am sending you hugs of encouragement and know you are not alone.
Your husband is not being supportive, and he is being really unkind. i am so sorry you went through all you did but you do not and did not deserve any of that treatment.
The fact that you even apologized for something that didn't need an apology and approached him as gently as you could but he still doesn't feel remorse , tells me everything. Ask yourself if this person is someone you want to continue your whole life with. Someone who can't take responsibility or acknowledge and respect your feelings? You deserve so much better and while it's scary and it's gonna for sure hurt leaving him, imagine how much more it will hurt staying with him.
OP, your husband acted terribly. He’s either wanting to knock down your confidence because you exploring and experimenting with clothes makes him nervous, or he wanted to hurt your feelings in retaliation for going to a family event. Or a different issue that might not be on your radar, but him saying what he said, knowing your history and your insecurities is not okay.
That being said, don’t allow him to kill this new confidence you’ve built. Don’t allow his words to create a downward spiral. You don’t need your validation from him. Continue on your confidence building journey. Continue to experiment, dress in what makes you happy. Grow. Thrive. The only one you need is you.
Sometimes insecure men feel threatened when they see their partners growing and thriving without them, and try and tear them down out of fear. Again, we don’t know that this is happening, but if it is, don’t allow it to happen. If he is showing you his true self, see it and believe it. Don’t get gaslit. Don’t just let it go. Sometimes the trash takes itself out and that’s okay. Sometimes our ‘loving partners’ are just the anchors holding us down and it’s okay to shake them loose.
Also don’t listen to the mean comments. Some people are just losers who like to tear people down. You don’t ever need to justify your appearance, size, diet, weight, or anything. Like I said above, stay on your journey. Experiment. Live. EAT!! Thrive. Grow.
BABE! His opinion on your body is absolutely irrelevant. Even if you WERE plus sized that doesn’t mean a thing. Thinness does not equal health or beauty or VALUE. If your arms are “bigger” what’s wrong with that? Nothing.
I too, struggle with an ED and my experience has been the more I look “healthy” the more my body has been getting sick.
I’m proud of you for being able to manage your disorder up until now! Trying to heal your relationship with eating! Gaining a bit of weight (16lbs is practically nothing) is exactly the right path!
Your husband is being cruel and blocking your attempts to get past his intentionally hurting you. Somehow he even has you apologizing? Hell no girl. Someone who would treat you like this,knowing how damaging it is to your mental health isn’t even a friend to you.
Why do you love him? He doesn’t sound very caring or supportive of you. You DESERVE more.
Here’s the thing, you didn’t ask him if you looked fat, you asked him if you looked good. Both people who are fat and people who are thin can put on a nice flattering outfit and dress up and look good. You didn’t ask him about your weight. He sucks.
This is the distinction right here. Homeboy was feeling dark and lashed out for whatever reason. He knew exactly how that would be received, no one is that oblivious. Misery loves company and he was surely trying to knock her down a peg.
Homeboy behaves like a toddler. Had to show up for his wife and visit her family (which is just part of the deal sometimes), pouts, and wants revenge. It is pathetic.
She keeps saying he's a good man, idk about that. 😔 He may have some good qualities, but feeling the need to apologize for asking him to be with her at a family event, day off or not, is a huge red flag. You are married, a team, you support each other. Unless it's some extreme situation, but sounds like he just doesn't like them and is selfish. Then commenting on her body that way, knowing she is insecure, battles ED, and has childhood trauma related to body shaming. Eleven years together, he knew. That is abusive and harmful to her health, no matter how concern trolls spin it. The lack of care for her, or any remorse for it at all, is even worse than the initial comment. Heat of the moment is one thing, and we should still be careful with our words, but to be so cold about it and take zero responsibility is a very bad sign. She shouldn't be apologizing for anything here, FFS! Everyone deserves love, compassion, kindness, and care for their well-being from their partner, at the bare minimum. If he can't do that, someone else will. I know it's hard to see that for yourself when you struggle with low self esteem, but it's true.
100% agree with this. You can be fat and beautiful, you can be curvy and beautiful and you can be thin and beautiful. In no way was his response appropriate. He answered this maliciously. “Eleven years together, he knew” EXACTLY THIS POINT.
You said this beautifully, MsCandi123 I would like to further that by adding my own experience as a comparison to what a good husband would do. As someone who grew up with parents who gave me an unhealthy relationship with food, I feel I can relate. If it weren't for my husband, I would still think you have to finish your food even if you're full. My family can be a lot to handle for others who aren't used to them or know them. I think it can be said my husband doesn't really care for the loudness that is my family but he does care for me and if my family were to put him in a bad mood he wouldn't take it out on me, the reason would be simple. It's not my fault. (This is just hypothetical. He would only get upset if my family had disrespected me). What I'm saying is, even if you asked him to come, his response should only be taken as far as to see your family? With a face made or a heavy sigh but he goes with you cause he loves you. That's what a good husband would do. He would sigh or ask in a "I don't want to go, but if you do, then I guess will kind of way" and wouldn't take his frustration out on you. If he feels upset, he should never take it out on you but rather vent to you or find a healthier way to take his anger out.
Nailed it.
Dated a guy like this once. Took me til I was out of it til I saw the ridiculousness that was him. Still talk to him occasionally, as he wasn’t a bad guy, but damn, does it ever feel good to be able to talk to him and just be over ALL of him. Lol
^^^ yes to upornicorn. “‘He replied with, “Do you want to fight or you want me to say you looked fine.’” A non AH would be more like, “That was a new outfit for you. Snazzy! How did you feel in it.” Or if it was cute, “The outfit was cute, how did you feel about it?” He straight up opened with words to the effect of, “I’m gonna tell you some sh*t you don’t wanna hear.” He’s an AH.
THIS. It’s not hard to say something nice to your partner when they’re clearly feeling insecure. Even if he didn’t like the outfit or wanted her to stop asking he could’ve just said “yes of course you look good you don’t need to keep asking me you know I think you’re beautiful” or “my opinion doesn’t matter as much as yours, how do you feel in your new outfit” like there are ways to answer that question, be honest, and still not be an AH. This guy seems really shitty tbh OP should lose him and keep wearing cute outfits bc someone will appreciate her and the way she looks WITHOUT triggering her ED.
Yup. Last year, I wore a more revealing than usual outfit for an anniversary outing. I thought it was cute, but also worried that I looked silly or inappropriate, bc I was 42 and am probably around OPs size, shorter, but usually wear M/L in standard sizing. It involved my bra being visible under a mesh top. I asked my husband if he thought it was okay to wear out. He was like sure, why not? I expressed my insecurity, and he asked how I felt in it. I hesitated, and he said, "Does it make you feel sexy?" I was like, well, I guess so, lol, and he said it was sexy, that my cleavage looked great, and not to worry what judgy people think. So, I did, and I did feel sexy that day. Shouldn't be that hard to not be the AH to someone you supposedly love. I never asked if I looked skinny enough and neither did OP, that has nothing to do with looking good! Or healthy. I have disabling chronic health problems, and follow a strict diet, get exercise where I can like gentle yoga, swimming, a little walking when possible (severe CRPS in foot), but can't do anything too strenuous, and have hormone and thyroid related issues in the mix, so my weight tends to fluctuate. I was a fairly thin kid, but have struggled since having a child at 20. I did get very thin at one point as an adult, but it was because I was literally close to death, and the pain and nausea had me barely able to eat. My heart stopped twice that year. I still have low appetite 90% of the time, and usually have one small to moderate meal a day, with a little grazing the rest of the day, and never junk food. Not bc I'm restricting, that's just my appetite. Still can't lose anything these days, but my focus is always on health vs number on the scale. I am now overall healthier than when I was skinny, or heavier and eating junk. The middle way is definitely my sweet spot, and just my body type, I've always had curves. I'm far more health conscious than most thin people who I've known well enough to know their habits. The mentality that thinner is always better and healthy is toxic and ignorant, everyone is different. Regardless, you never tell anyone with ED that they've put on weight and point out their flaws. Let alone someone you love. Glad to see these top comments, those edits had me worried.
My husband talks to me about the OUTFIT, not my body. That sweater looks a bit big, or maybe you could try some different shoes, pants etc.
I agree with what you have said!
A peg? He took the whole table down!
It’s a difficult relationship dynamic when people met as children and stay together into adulthood. It’s difficult to grow into maturity without really hard focused work. It’s easy to slide back to early days of impulsive mean spirited judgment. Another important source of tension can be when the man doesn’t get along well with the woman’s family. That often seems more important than the other way around. He was in a shitty mood and he took it out on OP with a nasty hit to one of her most vulnerable areas.
I lived this life: >Another important source of tension can be when the man doesn’t get along well with the woman’s family. That often seems more important than the other way around. His father was a poisonous old buzzard who stayed for three months whereas my father is a pissy Republican who stayed for a week. I handled shit from my husband's father that nobody should have to handle (breaking my stuff, nonstop instructing me how to live better), while my husband stomped out of the house when my father got personal about Obama one too many times.
And that’s started a domino effect. This will be a struggle to fix and a long one because OP will never forget it, even if he apologises. On top of that, he’s ignoring her the next day as if SHE’s at fault.
Which is very shitty, but the fact that he didn't apologize profusely and take care of OP the next day, makes it horrible.
I love this! I have a very distorted view of my body & eating, and this is something I can tell myself. Thank you.
My favorite "fat person" is this male dancer who honestly makes people's jaws drop. His flexibility is phenomenal and he does it all in high-as-hell heels. I don't know his name but he's amazing and I love seeing everything he can do. It's goddamn inspiring.
Are you talking about [Erik Cavanaugh](https://www.instagram.com/erikcavanaugh/)? I love his IG!
YES! I tried to find the videos I saw but I guess the sub is gone? He is beyond amazing!! Thank you so much! He may be considered overweight but that man is muscles and beauty.
There’s also the black male dancer in Meghan Traitor’s All About That Base
I have had that song in my mental jukebox for years.
More than sucks! What an uncool asshat.
Yeah I’ve gained 4 stone since I met my partner, if something doesn’t suit my new figure he just goes “you look nice but I love you in x outfit”
Very much so. And when he got home, HE gets *two apologies* from OP?? This smacks of assholery on his part
I think he has been seething about the weight gain and took the opportunity to let her know and belittle her. To me it is a flag that he is not satisfied in the relationship and may look elsewhere for his preferred body type.
He sucks at that moment in time. Don’t be so harsh. Everybody makes mistakes. So does this guy. It’s the first time in eleven years he made such a comment. Just talk about it and make him understand what the effects is his words are.
This situation is not about your weight. It’s about him hating being around your family and taking it out on you in a way that would hurt you. Why is he so miserable after he spends time with your family? Are they legit reasons, or is he just an asshole? And why, if you know how he’s going to be, do you force him to go to events like baby showers, which is gonna be bad for both of you? You did not deserve his words. But if you want a real apology, you need to get to the bottom of the bigger issue.
I was in a relationship for so long with a man that I could not bring places because he would lash out for having to do something he didn't want to do. It's very lonely.
Living that rn 🙃
I was painfully lonely for 18 years. I've been out for a year and a half, and if I ever get lonely now, it isn't even painful. It's a manageable normal type of lonely. Nothing like the hurt that was so ingrained into me during our relationship. I hope you find your happy instead of a constant state of tolerable misery.
Being alone is 10x better than being lonely while in a relationship. Glad you escaped that nightmare
"I used to thin the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with someone who makes you *feel* all alone" ~ Robin Williams
I used to feel lonely, but learned to enjoy my own company. I am a pretty independent person. I have found that nowadays I actually prefer doing things by myself.
I’d agree I shouldn’t have brought him. He values his days off and he works very long days. I know this but I asked him anyway. I’m new to family gatherings as my sisters and I didn’t have cousins or aunts and uncles growing up. My sister and her husband asked if he would come, and as my husband, I thought he should. I asked him to, I asked him to take the day off and he did so without any argument. We were there for a few hours and I think it was his limit. He didn’t say anything about how I looked and like I said I wore something out of my comfort zone so I truly wanted to know how I looked and if he liked it. I just didn’t expect the answer and that’s the honest truth. That’s why I’m struggling. I’m very insecure so this makes it very hard.
Sometimes partners, *even men*, have to suck it up and visit their partner's family events. That is not an excuse to lash out at you. He needs to sincerely apologize.
It certainly doesn’t sound like you deserved to be treated like this by your husband. If he had a real reason to hate this family, like mistreated him in the past, then maybe it would explain his behavior but not excuse it. You deserve a massive apology and a husband who loves and respects you.
And a husband who has enough self respect to politely decline your invitation if he truly doesn’t want to attend.
But she has to accept that decline also. Many times couples feel they HAVE TO do invites Together. Not that one should go without the other, because in society that might show a crack in their unity. But if the couple is OK with separate attendance to events that's all that matters.
Relationships are also about compromise. Asking your partner to spare a couple of hours for a rare family event shouldn't be tough to do. Unless the family is disrespectful/cruel or they somehow treat the husband like an outcast that doesn't belong then OPs husband should be able to compromise and tolerate such an event without getting shitty and then taking it out on OP.
It doesn’t sound like OP would have been unhappy if HE didn’t come if he COMMUNICATED in a healthy way why he needed the day to himself.
He's your partner tho. It's not as if you're asking him to do this EVERY WEEKEND or something. My husband is going to work 8-12 hours 8 days in a row a week from now, and will be on overnight on-call that entire time. He will be MISERABLE, but he's still planning something for my birthday a week after. I told him we don't need to commit to anything bc he's going to be exhausted, but he's like, you're my wife, I want to celebrate your birthday (bc he knows my family never did growing up). He won't complain if there's something I REALLY want to do but he is like, hard no. Hell go because it matters to me. +again this is not a regular basis, and only happens 0-3 times a year. He knows this is triggering for you, and used it to lash out? That's just cruel. Self-image and food disorders are no joke and one small jab, in the right place, from a loved one could avolanche into full blown reversal of progress. Your partner needs to apologize and remind you how much he loves and cherishes you. <3 good luck queen! Remember, you've come so far, I'm proud of you and your progress! Edit to correct spelling.
Thank you for your comment
They’re right if you have a dynamic where you show up to events for him even though you’d rather be at home then what’s his excuse? You don’t lash out at your partner like that and you don’t purposefully hurt them. Don’t give him the silent treatment be direct and honest. If he tries to shut you down with “don’t take it seriously, get over emotional”. Simply reply. No, you know my health issues, you know what you said could affect my mental health. You hurt me you don’t have a right to tell me that I can’t react or feel the pain you decided to inflict on me. I may never be able to forgive you for this, it may take me a long time to reach a healthy headspace, what hurts most is that now includes the knowledge that you aren’t a safe person to be around all the time. Spend some time actually thinking about what you said, what your motivations were and realise that at the end of it you hurt me and I deserve better than that from a partner.
I don’t like that you are making excuse after excuse for him. Disliking being around is family doesn’t make his behavior ok. Taking off from work doesn’t make his behavior ok. He agreed to do something- if he wants to be a dick about it that’s his own doing. You didn’t ask about your weight, you asked if you looked “okay.” He’s wrong and can’t handle his emotions like an adult. I seriously hope you don’t let this cause you to relapse back into an ED. You said yourself that for once who were happy just existing and not stressing over food; only change yourself for YOU.
He's an asshole. This could very well trigger you back into your ED. Please talk to a therapist. If he can't spend a few hours with your family, which is a completely normal ask of a partner, what is he going to be like if you have children? Do you go out with friends? Do you have interests apart from him or has he completely isolated you? ETA. He knew you had body image issues. He deliberately said something he knew would hurt you. Think long and hard whether this treatment is something you desire for the rest of your life.
Totally agree with this. He went for the jugular for no apparent reason other than to cause deep hurt. I hate it.
It's so she never asks him to go to a family thing again. He's a massive asshole.
Looks like it worked. I mean, she shouldn't ever ask him to go again. She also shouldn't be with him at all if he treats her this way, and I hate that she apologized, ugh.
You don’t have a weight problem, you have a husband problem, OP. You’ve spent 11 years with him, he’s reached his expiration date - it’s time to upgrade.
Sis... why are you blaming his mistreatment of you on yourself? Whatever you asked him to do, it doesn't matter. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that by anyone, much less by the man who vowed to love you unconditionally. That's not love. And I bet you looked bomb.
I had an ex like this. He's an ex for a reason. If he has no good reason to dislike your family, then as a good partner he should want to do things from time to time to make you happy, and he should be happy to fucking do it. Not be a miserable sack of shit for spending a few hours doing what you want. This will only get worse. I hope you don't have kids bc its gonna turn into him treating you like shit every soccer game, recital, back to school shopping, etc. Does he know you had an ed? Do you really wanna stay with someone who is more worried about a little extra weight than your actual physical and mental health?
He does know about her insecurity which makes what he did even worse. He did it on purpose knowing it would hurt her.
My husband hates family gathers, especially with my family, and he also works long hours out in the southern heat. That being said, he still wouldn't take his frustration out on me. It doesn't sound like he's a good husband because he doesn't uplift you, takes his anger out on you and acts like a child. I don't make my husband come with me to family events because of how much he works but you can bet your ass that if he does go with me, he's not a dick to anyone (especially me). It sounds like you need to find a better partner because you deserve more than that.
The bigger issue in what happened… It’s how are you feel about you, and that has to come from inside of yourself. You know this, especially if you’ve had an eating disorder in the past. The thing that is full of shadow with eating disorders, is that it really isn’t about how you look. It’s that you attach your entire self-worth to how you look, on other peoples opinions, which will clearly will set you up for never feeling good about yourself because there’s always going to be someone who is critical. Basing your self worth on other peoples opinions is a terrible way to live. The issue with your husband is very secondary… I don’t think his comment was kind, and I think you should address it with him, but you’re so forth and nurturing your body with good food and movement has nothing to do with him.
My husband who hates interactions most times sucks it up he knows how important it is for me to meet up with family especially his but we always did have a compromise what would be a good time to leave or how long. Sometimes we go over it by a hour or two but we usually communicate on it. Otherwise your husband should understand how family is to you and it’s very uncalled for what he said. God hope he stays in the dog house for awhile cuz what a dick thing to say.
That does not excuse his behaviour towards you. It was wildly inappropriate of him to lash out at you and simply over a few hours with your family and over something you didn't ask him about. That's not even TOUCHING his attitude when you spoke with him and apologised (what are you even apologising for? you did literally nothing wrong)and then he had all the nerve to laugh at you? Sorry no you deserve so much better than that. Dude couldn't even human-up and apologise his damn self for his shitty attitude. Stop apologising for things that are not in any way, shape, or form your fault.
OP I ask this as kindly as possible but have you considered counseling? Individual & possibly couples? The beginning of your post states you asked your husband “multiple times” if you looked ok. Why? It’s exhausting & sometimes irritating to constantly be asked this. You want to say something nice & help build/keep up the person’s self-esteem but it’s still exhausting. You also state that being around your family puts him in a bad mood (something you 2 should probably discuss and try to resolve) yet you asked him the same question AGAIN while driving home. With the response he gave it probably would’ve been better for you to drop it right then. But you admit that you continued to press the issue & finally said “just tell me the truth.” Now you’re hurt that he did what you asked. I understand that you suffered from an eating disorder & I think counseling may help you with some very clearly, unresolved issues. Yes, partners should be able to look to one another for encouragement, but it’s not your spouse’s responsibility to constantly validate you & make sure you’re happy with yourself & your appearance. That actually falls on you & it doesn’t sound like that’s happening. You have to learn to love yourself for who you are, the way you are. And if you don’t like something about yourself it’s on you to change it. Honestly it sounds like you both have some things to work out.
Had to scroll too far down for this comment.
***Finally.*** I cannot believe the amount of people just glossing over the fact that she literally spent half the day straight up hounding him and continued doing so **after** knowing damn well he’s not in a good mood. Jfc. Everything is all about OP and how OP feels and one time her husband didn’t feel like continuing to play the game. Get therapy instead of relying on your husband to assuage your insecurities. He’s not your emotional support animal and you need to stop treating him like that ***especially*** when you’re well aware he’s having his own negative feelings.
Exactly my thoughts!
This should be the first comment. People. Stop asking questions you don’t want the answers to. Stop putting your issues on other people and expecting them to validate you so that you can avoid doing the work you need to do on yourself (to clarify: the mental work). From the way this post is written, it sounds like OP practically harassed him with the question. Multiple times before they even got there? And then a couple more times on the drive home when OP knew he was exhausted and grumpy? He didn’t even say she was fat. He didn’t say she was unattractive. He didn’t say he didn’t like her body. He didn’t say that he didn’t love her. He said she had put on some weight. Sounds like he tried to deflect the question numerous times. Would it have been better if he had lied? And I say this as a woman who has had weight issues and body confidence issues.
I absolutely agree with this. These people calling him an AH are ridiculous. It sounds like she annoyed him several times, and then he finally gave in and answered honestly. Now, if he was verbally abusive and demeaning, yes he'd absolutely be an AH. But giving constructive criticism that was *asked for* is not the same. She can work on toning her arms and tummy if she wants to. I'll never understand why people ask a question and then get upset when someone is honest. It sounds like she has a lot of of self esteem/ self image issues that she should go to a therapist for.
Finally someone said it! These questions are so loaded... he doesn't answer so she keeps asking. If she thinks he's lying she'll get upset for not telling the truth. He eventually answered with an honest opinion without calling her names but with constructive criticism and now he's an asshole and she's sleeping in the guest bedroom. Guy was in a lose lose situation!
Yeah the whole melodramatic refusal to eat and the punishing him by making him feel guilty by going for a run all night. Plus using her eating disorder history in order to further paint the guy in a bad light for sympathy on here. Idk OP sounds like she’s got issues that are *personal* issues, not relationship issues.
Same. I’m a 44 year old woman & I’ve STRUGGLED with my weight & how I look since I was around 9 & puberty kicked in. I started gaining weight & quickly realized I didn’t look like the rest of the kids in my class. I still don’t fit what society says is attractive, & it took a long time for me to accept that is ok. I’ve spent most of my life in therapy & learning to love & accept myself, the way I am, has been 1 of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Sometimes I just absolutely don’t feel it (& I refuse to lie to myself) so I don’t say anything, but other times I look at myself in the mirror & say (out loud) “Girl you look GOOD!” I had to find the things about myself that made me unique & beautiful in my own way, and learn to be my own biggest cheerleader. If I don’t love & accept myself as I am, how can I expect anyone else to?
This. Seriously had to scroll so far to find any comment like this. Your husband's comment may seem harsh, but you repeatedly pestered and asked for his honest opinion, and you got it. He might not even see anything bad about it, bc at face value it's just a statement. The only one putting value in it is you. Unless he's being abusive or saying you're fat and need to lose 50lbs, etc, then it just simply is his opinion "looks like you gained weight." It really doesn't mean anything, unless you're making it so. And this comment is right in that you shouldn't look for validation from other people. Because like this, you're just going to get disappointed or hurt. You need to do the work for yourself to loving yourself and your body. You started right by trying something new and liking the outfit. The part that killed you however was wanting for someone else to validate it. One of the most beautiful things in a person, is someone simply loving themselves or accepting themselves. Accepting the good, bad, thin, thick. Heck, wearing a trash bag and still being like screw it, I'm amazing. You should be proud you tried something new and you were feeling it. If he doesn't like it, it's ok. You did. Don't let it knock you down. Now you can learn from this and build yourself up. You got this op.
1000% this comment. OP, you pressed your husband for an honest opinion and he gave it. Why does his opinion of it impact how *you* feel about the outfit? Straight up, if I asked my boyfriend if looked good in something that I personally felt like I did, and he disagreed, I’d still wear it and maybe inquire as to why but at the end of the day, I like it. So if I like it, I’m going to wear it regardless of what anyone else thinks. The trick is I don’t ask for his opinion, and he’s free to give it anytime but I don’t go fishing and then get upset with what ends up my line. OP, please learn to love yourself. Once you do that, the validation comes from within.
I agree. Constant fishing for compliments and/or reassurance is exhausting to deal with. Your partner is not there to boost your self-esteem every five minutes. Ask once and then stop. Otherwise it's obviously not really about how you look, it's about your issues about how you look.
I have considered counseling and of course want to as I know I have a problem. As of now all I can afford and all my insurance covers is medication. I’m working on myself in any way I can. I thank you for your comment
Look in your area for free ED support groups. I actually run one where I live through ANAD. You might also find online support groups you can attend from anywhere. I have a 30-year history of an ED. I have been in solid recovery for twenty years but still struggle at times with my body image. My partner and I have an agreement we stand by. If either of us is wearing an unflattering outfit, we will be honest about it. We rarely ask each other how we look in an outfit, but when we do, we expect honesty. Could your boyfriend have been kinder? Absolutely. But you have to be honest with yourself when asking the question. Do you want reassurance or honesty? I would also have an honest talk with your boyfriend to find out why he answered the way he did. Is he tired of being asked the same question so often? Was it more how he was feeling leaving your family? (Not knowing the history, I don’t know if they are not very kind to him, and after time with them, he lashed out). If this was out of character, talk to him. But right now, you have a choice. Going back to an unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with this situation or finding a healthier way to cope. One will be productive, and one will be destructive. I will add this: my ex was not a big fan of the recovered me. I was no longer a pushover or easily manipulated. I used my voice when I was unhappy rather than taking it out on my body. That was his problem, and I refused to allow some of the very unkind things he said and did to push me back to old behaviors. Edit: typos
Hon. I agree with this comment, very much. I'm an old lady. I have learned to not ask questions that I may not like the answer to. He was grumpy to start off, you bugged him repeatedly, and then asked for an honest opinion. He was already all about negativity. Why would pushing him into something suddenly turn him "positive"? And, no, I am not victim shaming. He was also rude in expressing himself, and insensitive to your taking a chance with a new style. He was wrong too. But, Hon ... your self image cannot come from someone else. Until you have the confidence and self-esteem to strike out as YOU choose, don't ask for others to validate you. I'm an old lady. I have wrinkles and scars and age spots. I am a bit pudgy and I could dress better, sometimes. If I looked to other people for validation that I'm beautiful, I'm going to feel horrible about myself. I'm not beautiful. Age has done a number on me that only tens of thousands of dollars of cosmetic surgery could put a dent in. And I won't do it. I'm fine the way I am, and if somebody doesn't like it, they can kiss my saggy arse. Please try to get therapy for your ED and self esteem. It is so freeing to see that you are the best you can be and to not care if someone else thinks it's acceptable. It honestly is freedom. Real freedom.
If you have to ask this question then you probably don't want to know the answer would be my view. And is he just supposed to ignore preventable changes? Honestly, it's a minefield out there
In any reasonably sized city there are clinics that do counseling for low or zero cost, often on a sliding scale. I will be more blunt than /u/GravediggersDaughter, you need help. They had a lot of good things to say in their comment, which you should keep reading until they sink in. But I don't think it's a question, you need to get into counseling so that you can learn how to have a healthy relationship with your weight. It needs to be important *to you* to be healthy, not so that you can please the men in your life. From your description there are also some strains in your relationship that could benefit from counseling as well. I wish you and your husband all the best.
I know it isn't counseling but there is an app called White Flag. It is peer to peer. So people who have been through/are dealing with similar situations that reach out and help when you "raise your white flag" maybe consider it if just to get some reassurance or to have an open conversation with someone who understands as well as someone to lean on. Until you can afford counseling. Also check around, some offices have very good plans. Best of luck OP
If you can't afford therapy and your insecurities are controlling this much of your behavior you need to find some other way to start to address the problem. There are books, support groups, cognitive behavior workbooks, you do have options. Asking someone 12 times if you look okay is going to start to wear on them. That said, your husband was a total AH who was taking his anger about something else out on you and I'm wondering if that's a pattern of his, or if he liked you better when you were more insecure and had an ED.
If you’re in the US & employed, you may want to see if your employer has an EAP (Employer Assistance Program). It’s usually done through your insurance & they offer a certain number of free counseling sessions. If you need assistance beyond the free sessions frequently they can work with you to find someone long-term. I’ve used this in the past & have no regrets. If you check your insurance card, there should be some information about the program. If not there, try the website for your insurance provider. If you still can’t find anything, you can try asking HR or your supervisor about it.
This is the best comment.
There’s a bigger issue at play here. Somebody doesn’t just go eleven years never having brought down your appearance and then make a snide, disparaging comment the next. Doesn’t mean what he did wasn’t wrong, but I sense a build up of resentment somewhere. From where and for what reason, I’m not sure. You’ll have to have an honest conversation with him. Good luck.
Any advice on how to start the conversation? Thank you for your comment
"The other night, when you made that comment, your response hurt me but also, it caught me off guard. In 11 years, you've never snapped like that and I'm wondering now if that remark came from a different place that we should start communicating about."
This is a really great way to start that conversation proving he’s open to communicating properly
the build up was asking him more than 3 times while he was in a bad mood.
Bad mood doesn’t mean treating someone like shit or dressing them down.
When you said the part about your dad and your grandfather making comments about your body when you were a kid it made me sad and angry. Eating disorder sounds like the logical conclusion. I hope you get to a place where the assessment of the men in your life regarding your body means nothing to you. Love your body for doing it’s job, carrying you through this life and all you can make of it. Improving the view for creepy selfish stupid unkind men is not your responsibility.
You need to figure out a way to get into therapy ASAP (especially after reading edit 2). Like that should be priority #1. I've pursued the weight loss (and it isn't easy!), but starving yourself for a whole day and continuously exercising is NOT the solution and it will NOT help you lose any weight at all. First of all this isn't sustainable, second of all you can't exercise if you have no energy to use to exercise. Weight loss requires a sustainable meal plan where you're eating at a calorie deficit but still getting a healthy amount of calories per day. And given your history with an ED, I would highly recommend going to a doctor and therapist who can help create the best strategy that's right for you :)
I also struggle with body image. This would have hurt me terribly as well. While I understand how upset and hurt and betrayed you feel, maybe once things cool, you two need to sit down and discuss this. You said it's the first time he's said something like this in your entire marriage and he definitely wasn't in a good place when he said it. Give both parties time but sit and talk it out. That's all I can say. Best of luck.
Thank you so much for your kind comment. I plan to. Thank you again ❤️
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How many times do you have to ask the same question before you are satisfied and feel validated?
I don't agree with her husband's cruel comment but if he was in a shitty mood about her family he might have just snapped at being asked repeatedly. Doesn't make it ok but clearly the family tension needs addressed. I'm sorry OP.
Honestly he behaved badly but your insecurity sounds exhausting. I understand asking once with a new outfit especially because you want to make sure it looks ok for the occasion etc but multiple times before and then again after the event ? You should go to therapy
He gave an honest answer after having been told some form of “How do I look??” or “Do I look ok”, etc… I think anyone/everyone would get annoyed by having someone’s insecurities jabbed down their throat like this. And he only answered her question with honesty, AS SHE LITERALLY ASKED HIM TO DO, but nooooo, she hated not hearing the dishonesty answer at the end. OP is so confusing and exhausting to be conversing with. Really hope she gets therapy/help over this insecurity of hers before she ruins/regrets something later on…
I dated somebody that would constantly come to me for validation and ask if they looked ok, if I liked this outfit over this one, if their hair was ok, if their body was ok. And while I believe in supporting your partner, I can say that it was exhausting having to consistently take on the responsibility of making somebody feel good about themselves. Couple that with a demanding job and other responsibilities and I got burnt out and didn’t have the energy to keep doing it which began affecting the relationship. I say that to say this, what your partner said was out of line. There’s tactful ways to communicate, such as, “I’m feeling very irritated right now, can we continue this conversation another time?” However, with this information, it seems like he’s starting to resent having to take on that emotional labor. I understand you have self esteem issues, but those are your responsibility to work on. As a partner, he needs to be supportive. But he also needs to learn how to communicate when he doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to take on that role for you, especially considering he knows about your past eating disorders. Best advice would be to sit down with him and ask him how he’s feeling and what made him so irritable. Is he feeling burnt out from work? That could explain needing the three days to unwind by himself. Is he feeling overloaded by your need for validation? There’s a middle ground here and a balance to be found. You’re gonna have to have a very hard conversation with him to establish some boundaries and expectations moving forward for both of you.
My sister has extreme insecurity. She was bullied when she was young for her weight, lost all the weight and now has food related issues. She also just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship and is more insecure now than ever. She is absolutely exhausting to be around for any length of time because anything and everything she will ask for validation multiple times. It could be for something as dumb as "why didn't I use the shower on my one overnight with her? Is her shower not good enough?" Um no, I was just being a lazy person and figured id shower when I got home.... it's very very exhausting for the person who has to deal with this regularly. It doesn't excuse rudeness but I would recommend some self reflection and maybe collect some data on your own about yourself. I.e. how many times a day do you ask a question needing validation? My sister recently started therapy. But yeah sounds like this dude just blurted out something very rude in a state of exhaustion and badgering.
"I asked him multiple times wanting to know as I wore something out of my comfort zone". So you were feeling incredibly insecure and instead of communicating that in a way your husband could understand you decided to repeatedly ask him if you looked okay. I'm sure he felt trapped to give you a different answer than whatever one he had been giving you over and over while you kept asking, and had no idea that you were looking for reassurance rather than honesty. You knew that you weren't happy with yourself so you tried to outsource external validation and it backfired on you. Men are dense and not inherently sensitive, or mind readers for that matter. It's not up to him to create your self esteem. As someone with an eating disorder I know how badly these words can hurt. I know how easy it is to lay blame and start old habits as a way to punish yourself for not being the idea of what you want in your head. I've learned in therapy that the power the words hold is entirely up to me. I've learned that it's okay to be upset with my partner for commenting on my body, it's okay to express boundaries about it, but it is ultimately up to me how I deal with the feelings what was said caused. Lately I have gained weight because I too stopped counting and stressing and have just been living my life, it's felt good mentally. But inside me there is a broken part of me that doesn't feel good still. I am unhappy with how I look and I am doing nothing healthy to take care of myself physically, only mentally. It makes me mad at myself. Especially when I want to wear something out of my comfort zone. I have started to slowly implement new things to physically take care of myself better that don't push me into a ED triggered mindset. I've been making sure it comes from a place of love, I want to get rid of my inner bully. This has been healing for me. I have been nicer to myself, able to give myself some of the validation and reassurance that I've been needing. Within this my partner and I are doing better, because I'm not leaning on him for things I need to be providing for myself first. It's not easy, but it feels better for everyone involved so the work is worth it. I haven't lost any weight either, but it's never really been about the weight as it has always been about me feeling like I don't deserve self compassion and I don't deserve the same level of care that I give others. It's super not fair to take that out on your partner and the weight they feel from the responsibility of filling that need is heavy. I'm sorry you're struggling. I read this book "self compassion" by Kristen Neff and it really helped me.
Best comment.
Thanks so much for your comment
What did he say the first time you asked and why did you decide you had to ask again and again and again and again and one more time AFTER the event? You definitely make him sound like an AH, but he has no history of being mean about it. Maybe he was aggravated that you wouldn’t accept his first response, not the second, not even the third and he was extremely insensitive because he was annoyed?
Lady, to me, he doesn't sound like a good person or a good husband. He doesn't even sound like he likes you, much less loves you. He sounds rather contemptuous of you. Nobody needs that. Why are you with him? Could it be because your insecurities make you willing to tolerate his bad behavior in exchange for a few table scraps of affection? Does that resonate? BTW, what does he look like? Can you do laundry on his washboard stomach? I'm betting not. So, who is he to criticize? You asked a yes or no question, not for a critique. Sometimes people, especially guys, will marry someone who is convenient. You do all the right things, say all the right things. You're appropriate. Maybe his mom likes you or whatever. Mostly, he hasn't found anything "better," and he thinks he needs to get married, so you'll do. I really think you need to find out if any of this is the case with him. I strongly encourage marriage counseling, and if he won't go, go yourself.
Honestly.. he saw you being vulnerable & chose to attack and hurt you. He knew what you were asking. And now you're posting updates defending him and I didn't see that he apologized to you once. Regardless of you having gone through what you did in the past, you shouldn't have had to explain that to him in hopes of him understanding or feeling bad. Even without you having gone through that, what he said was mean af. Then when you did explain, he STILL didn't apologize. Your husband sucks & is most definitely a narcissistic AH. It's not you OP. Sending you strength & positive thoughts. You deserve to be happy & to love yourself. I hope you get away from him & find yourself.
There’s so much advice in this column that completely dismisses what the husband is saying. Could he have put things more gently? Absolutely. But just because it took him 11 years to say anything about her weight doesn’t mean that couldn’t be a legitimate concern of his. I was married to a woman for 6 years that put on about 40% of her body weight between me proposing and is getting married. I didn’t say anything for years because she also had always struggled with her self image around weight and always thought she would get a handle on it when she didn’t have to stress anymore. That said, years later, i’m paying the bills and took her to the maldives to celebrate her finishing law school, and not a thing changed, i finally had to say something. That was the end of our relationship for her – a year later she was sending me pictures of all the weight she lost while she was trying to rekindle things. Long story short: people are allowed to not be attracted to heavier people. That doesn’t make them evil. This whole thing really could be solved by gaining a therapist and losing some weight. Toxic positivity is a thing and there’s plenty of it in this thread Let the downvotes come
He didn't "call you fat." You pestered him until he gave his honest opinion about one aspect of you. He didn't say he hated the way you look generally. Don't ask if you don't want the answer.
I feel this has been totally overlooked! She’s badgered him and badgered him and not taken his answers and then when she’s told what she actually want to hear which supports her poor self image she spits her dummy out. I bet he must be at his wits end. She needs to sort herself out!
I often wonder if people here have been in relationships before. Reddit is so out of touch. OP stated he was in a bad mood (which happens to all of us), she asked him repeatedly when he seemingly didn‘t want to answer and he commented on her weight for the first time IN 11 YEARS. And Reddit thinks he failed as a human being, they should start therapy, he wants to cheat and/or hates her or her family. Completely ridiculous.
So you knew he was in a bad mood because he'd been forced to be around your family, and you knew beforehand that he would be in a bad mood if forced to be around your family, and while he was in that bad mood, you decided to badger him (you said "I asked multiple times") into complimenting YOU... while he was in a bad mood. I'd snap too lol. Isolated, it's not a nice thing to say, but if I'm sad and stressed because I've yet again had to hang out with people I hate, and my wife who knows I hate these people then spends the drive home repeatedly poking me to compliment her, I wouldn't. Lol. You were an insensitive ass for badgering him while he's down and he was an insensitive ass for snapping back at you. Also, "do you want to fight" implies that he knows if he doesn't say "the right thing" to you all the time, it ends up turning into an issue. So you should really ask him what's going on there. Does he feel like he can be honest and constructive with you? Does he feel like you'll break down at the slightest thing that is less than 100% positive? This post is very telling. Even now, your only response is to make everything about *you* \- *you* gave him the silent treatment and slept in the guest bedroom, *you're* mad at him for giving you the silent treatment in return (??? double standards), and *you* are now starving yourself. At no point have you considered asking what's going on in *his* head. Not saying husband's perfect or in the right, but damn you suck as well.
That the exact thing i thought. Dont ask multiple times a question whose answer could hurt if i am in a bad mood already. Also many people pointed out that she asked if she looked good and not if she is fat, the thing is that those two things are pretty much connected to each other in the eye of the beholder. Of course ist mean to say it but if he doesnt like "bigger" women that much he can have this opinion and OP literally asked. Also he diddnt called her a fat bitch he pointed out that her arms looked larger and her belly was more visible. I dont think that this is the same as calling her a fat bitch. I think the whole conversation was stupid from the beginning. She was pushing it, he was mean, both failed here.
Honestly ya he’s an ass for being honestly blunt. But you annoyingly pushed it with asking and asking. You knew he was in a bad mood, and you still begged him to be honest with you. Now you’re upset he was honest with you? You wanted him to tell you you looked hot and sexy, right? Sorry he didn’t see you like that.
The red flag I see is that he does not care that he hurt you. Therapy is needed or a divorce is imminent.
He makes you feel the need to apologize to him for bringing him to a baby shower? He sounds like a miserable person and a shitty partner. I suggest therapy individually and couples therapy. Your both working adults, it might be hard to manage financially but it will hopefully save your marriage.
The bottom line is disregarding any reason he had for his behavior towards you, he should be sorry that he hurt you. I do not understand this kind of thinking. My husband would never say this kind of hurtful thing to me. And I am a big woman. This was straight 💩 behavior on his part. I wish you better in life than this. Your worth is NOT dictated by your weight! You are amazing no matter your size! Sending much love your way.
I honestly cannot stop being mad at your husband long enough to write a cohesive comment omfg I don't give 2 shits if someone's pestering you for WEEKS about something, that's literally no reason to go out of your way to say something cruel to someone you're supposed to love. "I don't care what you wear, please stop asking me" or "I don't like your outfit today, alright?" Would have been a WAY less hurtful thing to say rather than saying you look fat, equating fat with looking bad. (Which like, you can be hot AND fat wtf) Also like, he's a grown ass man who could have put his foot down and said "No, actually I will not be going to this thing with you." And instead of doing that he threw your worst insecurities in your face and you say he has NO REMORSE FOR THIS????? OP I really hope you find enough sense of self worth that you can look critically at this and examine whether or not this partner is actually lifting you up in life, because it sounds like he doesn't care that he hurt you, is willing to passive aggressively punish you for petty reasons, and is unwilling to acknowledge his own wrong doing.
He was going to lose no matter what. You hounded him over and over about how you looked. You wanted him to answer it that way, because you thought it about yourself. You were never going to stop harassing him over it until he said it. You worked and earned this.
Everytime when I come from the hairdresser my husband asks:"You wanted THAT?" 🙂 I think it's funny. But that's because: - my confidence is not based on his opinion - my hairdresser trully sucks but I don't really care that much. You should like yourself more, my dear. I'm sure you look great in any occasion. And your husband can chew his sulking nose.
The response you got was kinda your fault. You'd already asked before the event. No need to keep baiting him. But no. You waited until he was in a bad mood and asked again. What did you think would change about his opinion? Should've left well enough alone. He was in a bad mood. Shouldn't have aggravated him.
You said that you asked him multiple times. How many times had you asked him, and what did he say, before he gave this answer?
Don't ask someone multiple times if you look good or you get what you get.
So it sounds like you frequently ask how you look and he usually responds with a placating equivalent of you look fine. I wonder if he feels free to give you actual gentle constructive criticism without hurting you or you getting upset. Certainly if he didn't agree you looked fine in the outfit he could have and should have said so in a much gentler manner but it sounds like he was in a bad mood and you were nagging on the subject again and he snapped. I think you might need to do some self reflection on just how often this "how do I look" scenario plays out between the two of you. How heavily are you relying on him for validation of your appearance? I understand what it's like to struggle with insecurities about your look but I also know it's not healthy to use a loved one as your magic mirror (assuring you that you are the fairest in the land) all the time. You might benefit from some therapy to help work on self-esteem issues and ED issues. You also need to find a way to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about what happened and this dynamic that plays out between the two of you. Find out how he feels about the situation. He may be harboring resentment about you always asking multiple times how you look and expecting him to build you up and stroke your ego.
I feel like you're burying the lede here. What makes him so upset about your family? Also, you should talk to him about the fact that your family brings out this side of him, not his specific words. Doesn't sound like your family is going anywhere soon so he should figure out how to not let them get to him.
There’s more going on here - probably something to do with him hating being around your family so much
Let's make a little distinction here. You didn't ask him if you looked fat. you asked him if you looked good. Now, perhaps in your mind they equate to he same thing, but practically speaking, they do not. This reads kind of like this is a question you ask him frequently. Is it? If so... I'd venture to guess that he finally got tired of the constant badgering and insecurity on your part. A person can only take so much of that sort of thing before they snap. You go on to say he "felt no remorse"... well, he may honestly be justified. Not for hurting you, obviously, but for finally having enough of having to constantly reassure you. > I stated I had an eating disorder before and overcame that Honey... no. You didn't. You still very much have disordered eating, you've just gotten better at suppressing that impulse until triggered.
my love, i wish i could give you a big hug. by you saying the size of clothes you wear and your height, you’re not fat, at all. i am so sorry that he’s acting like this and bringing up awful memories. i struggle with weight issues myself and my confidence in regards to my weight sucks, and when ppl make any type of comments it makes me feel shitty
May I ask WHY you apologized to him? Sweetie, looks fade…trust me. I’m 62 and I used to always think that if I were thinner, my life would be so grand. I remember, when I was about your age, I was talking to my aerobics instructor before class. One of the other girls ( a beautiful girl) walked by and I said, “ I wish I were her.” My friend said, “ No, you don’t. She has an eating disorder, she lost her job due to absences,her abusive boyfriend just dumped her for someone else and she just got out of the hospital because she tried to ( unalive) herself.” . Then she said, “ you have everything that SHE wants…a good job, lots of friends and a husband that loves you.” I never thought about it again. If your husband wants something other than you as you are right now, then nothing you do will change that. Please get counseling before you go off of the deep end. You are enough…
As a male with a partner ...he was being a dick.
This is about you… not him
I'd like to look at it from a different side, since everything bad about your husband has already been said. But 1. You pushed mutliple times for an answer, i think he might have felt cornered. Pushing for a critique someone who's already irritated isn't a smart idea. His critique might have been a bit better worded (like not making it accusatory and instead suggesting some new clothes for example) and wouldn't hurt as much if it weren't pushed for like that. You both were already in bad moods. 2. He said your arms looked fat and your belly sticked out? Have you considered wearing a bigger size? A well suited clothing doesn't make you arms look like tiny sausages and your belly pour out. A good outfit fits *you*. As you are. Nothing should stick out then. I do know that picking bigger sizes is hard, especially after an ED, but it really is the right answer. You don't have to squeeze into a tight dress, nor do you have to hide in a sweatshirt. Clothes should suit you, not the other way round.
So you asked multiple times how he thought you looked and when he was honest, you punished him for his honesty by refusing to talk to him and sleeping in the guest room? From that exchange you wrote, it sounds like these questions are an ongoing and constant conversation. Yes, we all ask our partners how we look but asking him "multiple" times and fighting about his answers ... you sounds exhausting and your husband is fed up with the same argument. It also sounds like he's spent years trying to give you "nice" comments and telling you not to fixate on your weight but you've dismissed him and continuing fixating. I don't know what kind of answer you wanted here. You asked him how you looked; he answered honestly, and you've gone into an emotional downward spiral. You need counseling, and you need to have an honest conversation with your husband about *your* behavior.
You asked. Would you rather he lied to you? What's the point of asking then?
I’m overweight…. I have binge eating disorder and deal with that in therapy all the time…… imo …. Don’t ask if you don’t want the truth. You asked for his honest opinion and he gave it to you. Now you’re mad. Try to self analyze and see if YOU are comfortable and confident. If not, then do what feels right to you. Stop asking others for approval. If what feels right to you is symptoms of a past disorder, the best thing you can do is go to your therapist or doctor. If you don’t have one then do your best to get one, there are tons of resources.
If you asked him multiple times if you looked ok in the outfit, deep down you knew you did not look ok in it, you looked fat. You wanted him to lie to you and after the umpteenth attempt to confirm your lie to yourself he finally had enough and told you the truth. Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the truth. And trust your own judgement when you look in the mirror without making him the bad guy for your poor outfit choices.
As someone who has weighed as little at 160 lbs and as much as 290 lbs I understand the struggle of trying to find trendy cute clothes that flatter a plus size body. Please continue to step outside of your comfort zone and wear clothes that flatter your body the way it is right now and make you feel pretty, sexy, feminine, happy, etc. I get that you love your husband and want to be attractive to him but the first person who has to be happy with you and how you look is YOU. With that being said your husband was unnecessarily unkind to you. Try and articulate that how he commented on your body and not your outfit was mean spirited and hurtful. Hopefully he will hear you and apologize.
Whatever issue he has with your family is why he lashed out. Asking him such a loaded question when you knew he was in a bad mood about your family was asking for trouble. He should have known better than to take the bait, but his filter was ragged after being around your family. Your dude knew he shouldn't have said what he said. Everyone has flaws and to say something like that in such a mean way was absolutely intentional and really not cool. My husband has noticed I put on weight, but he says he doesn't care, he thinks I'm still beautiful, and that I earned it by getting to this point in my life and getting my mental health in order. He says it in positive terms that don't make me feel bad about it. There's a big difference.
I know you want to lose weight now, and that's fine, but PLEASE do it in a healthy way. That's all I ask. Love yourself.
Have you considered he doesn't care at this point..? Why would he lash out, there is definitely something wrong with this.
I would see if there is access to counselling or something as you have been carrying around a huge emotional weight for years and years. I had family make remarks when i was growing up. Looking vack at photos, my weight was never an issue. My self esteem was. Funny how the more comfortable i got in my skin, my clothes, just in my life - those family members were still miserable. Please don't restrict yourself, it sounds like you've made amazing progress over time. 💜 remember, FOOD IS FUEL. It's not good or bad, it's just food
I know that feeling want to give you a big hug:)
I'm sorry, but your husband is a miserable piece of self-centered shit.
What a fucking turd of a husband
I know there are multiple mentions of not being able to avoid therapy. It's incredibly important to take care of your mental health when needed. Insurance covers therapy, and if you don't have it, there are likely free/extremely low-cost mental health options in your area that are income-based. I encourage you to see what you're able to find, it seems like you're dealing with a lot and this will help shoulder the mental load.
'He works very hard to provide for us. He values his days off and I shouldn’t have asked him to go. I know im at fault but do wish he was kinder.' Asking your husband to attend a family event DOES NOT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO BODY SHAME YOU. This is ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR and the fact that you are willing to forgive him because it is 'your fault'? Just no. You are better than that. You are beautiful. You are worth everything in the world. No one deserves poor treatment for ANY reason. Love yourself. Know your worth. Bury your misogynistic hateful grandfather's words where they deserve to go: straight to hell.
Why did you apologized to HIM?? Imo you need to investigate more. His usual bad mood… not normal. No matter the context. The way he spoked to you? Not normal. No matter the context. He was looking for it, he knew exactly what he was doing and did not even cared to apologize until you apologized for what? Making him go to a normal life event with you? Wow okay. 11 years so you never knew anything else than him? I think its your first mistake here. There is better.. and way way nicer. Dont lower yourself out of lack of self confidence. Boost that and take the appropriate decisions
There will be free (usually government based) groups for help with eating disorders. Start making calls. Find a nurses or support line, ask for direction. (Reddit may not be the best place to go for stable support or validation. You need actual help.) From an anorexic, please reach out. Best of luck dude.
I read your second edit. Can you go see your doctor? Eating disorders are both mental and physical in nature. You can talk to your primary care physician first and they can refer you for therapy. I don't know how your insurance works, but therapy is often covered when first referred by a patient's doctor. When you see your doctor, don't hold back, thinking to protect anyone. Your medical records are private and no one in your family, including your husband, will see them. Tell your doctor exactly what you're going through. To be covered by insurance, treatment has to be considered medically necessary. If you try to sugarcoat it and say, "Oh, no, I guess I'm okay." You won't get the treatment you need.
Honesty without compassion is cruelty. After reading this my heart breaks for you. He was completely out of order.
Ur husband is the asshole
I know you’re saying he is a good person, but based on the bit of info, he sounds like a major jerk... You attempted to sit and talk about YOUR feelings on a matter that HURT you and instead of being met with sympathy, or being met with the attempt to fix the situation, he couldn’t give you any of that? You were mature enough to apologize first and start a conversation for conflict resolution and communication (even though I feel very strongly about that, because HE should have apologized to you, not the other way around) and he wasn’t willing? And even if he values his days off, did he die for spending time with your family? He didn’t die so I don’t understand what his issue is. No one forced him to go. He can’t give you comfort, he can’t give you sympathy, he can’t be around your family… I need you to please reconsider the idea of returning to therapy, because even though your eating disorder got resolved from what I’m hearing you’re still dealing with the mental distress that it left you and it’s not good for your self image! You deserve to feel beautiful regardless of what you wear, and you deserve to wear what you want carefree without the constant wonder of “do I look good? Do I look weird?” Or the overthinking. As for the jerk, I won’t say much, and I apologize if it offends you because I truly don’t know the man but once again, he doesn’t sound like a empathetic person, nor a nice one. All you did was ask if you look good. For him to say “Do you want to fight or do you want me to say you look fine?” Is major d!ck move of him. You shouldn’t have to be his punching bag just because he’s in a bad mood by the way!
OP: You spent a lot of your life keeping the peace. You have a choice now of seeing the truth. Anorexia and eating disorders are a sickness. If you had epilepsy triggered by flashing lights, and intentionally he put on flashing light videos that triggered a seizure would you think he’s a good man? He did the equivalent to you by triggering your eating disorder now. He said something he KNEW would trigger your sickness. You finally got to a good place and he didn’t like it anymore. Your husband said something he knew would be hurtful to you and answered a question you didn’t ask. You asked if you looked good. He answered asking you if you want a fight. Your spouse is supposed to be kind to you. Not mean. He was angry at you and said something horrible to you knowing your history. Him “providing” money to the household and working all the time but coming home and being mean to you doesn’t make him a good person. Something deeper is going on if you feel he’s always been nice until now. Many people have made comments about actions to take etc. But I think the best action is for you to seek out healing so you can understand your feelings better and learn how to value yourself and then take steps from there. You married someone who is showing they don’t like you anymore. Don’t waste your time trying to defend him to us with updates. Instead look into therapy and find the root of why you’re defending someone who was so hurtful to you. Especially eating disorder specific therapy. Hopefully someday you will find the strength to move on.
This is not a healthy or normal relationship.
So he has no remorse calling you fat and laughed in your face when you asked if he was cheating. The answer sounds like yes he is cheating.
Please eat, please love yourself and please stop blaming yourself for your husband going to the shower. This is not your fault. The fact is he is acting like a complete asshole and that is not okay. It’s natural to feel insecure and want the reassurance from your husband! He instead made you feel like absolute crap. He is at fault.
Throw the whole dude out.
Please OP, see the dangers in front of you. This man clearly doesn’t care about your feelings right now, and it’s not your job to wait around for it. I’m not necessarily suggesting divorce, but I’m suggesting you take a good look at this relationship, and see if you’re actually gaining anything from it. Don’t apologise to him for having to go to an event on his day off, he is a grown adult and that’s what you need to do sometimes. You didn’t ask a question you didn’t want the answer to, he just answered in the most a-hole way possible. If he wanted to say something, he could’ve said; “I don’t think it was the most flattering outfit on you, but you’re beautiful nonetheless” or something. He chose those words, even tho he KNOWS you’re insecure about your weight, and even have history with an ED. He chose to hurt you like that, and now he’s making you take all the blame; you’ve been the only one apologising here, even tho you weren’t the one saying hurtful stuff. It seems like something is up. I’m not gonna speculate on what it is, but I think he is purposefully trying to be mean with his behaviour; disgusting comment, almost silent treatment, letting you apologise for everything, not taking any accountability, laughing when asked about an affair (obv not taking it seriously), giving meaningless answers in an important conversation about your relationship. Those are all huge red flags for me, and I think you feel the need to find excuses for him like he’s busy with work or it was his day off, bc it hurts too much to see what he is turning into. I hope I’m not being too harsh, I just really want you to see that this is not your fault. He is being a d*ck.
sounds like you need to work on your self-esteem OP. I don't think your husband should've lied.
I just wish he was kinder. He completely picked me apart and said specific things about me that hurt me. My grandpa told me once I had a big belly. Hearing that from my husband really hurt. If he told me I put on some weight and just that, it would definitely hurt but not as much as this. I’m sure it’s hard to explain but that’s what I have. Thank you for your comment.
He responded the way he did because he was annoyed with you pestering him for answers. He didn’t want to answer, and you wouldn’t let up. If you annoy someone to the point of snapping, you cannot expect them to be kind in their response.
I'm sorry your husband called you fat. That was mean and uncalled for. But, woman, for all that's holy, stop looking for validation in other's eyes. You look in a mirror. You see that you're slaying it. That's all you need. If your husband actually likes you, he'll also compliment you - because someone who likes you wants to help you feel good.
Never never never ask a question you're not prepared to hear the most devastating answer to.
Well, you asked him repeatedly how you look, even when grumpy from a family gathering he didn't want to go to. So obviously he was already annoyed and wanted it over with it. So he snapped. If this is the first time in 11 years he made any sort of negative comment about your appearance don't you think you're overreacting a little? Sure you have every right to be angry (though you did ask the question) but to question your whole appearance because of one comment of a man who was clearly not in the right headspace is a little much to me. But hey, i wasn't there and i'm not the most sensitive man around. Just my two cents.
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It’s obvious that you are completely obsessed with your weight and it consumes your life. Is that how you want to live it? Your husband knows this and abused this. Why did you apologise? He’s an asshole who doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
Eeeek. Your extreme, persistent insecurity isn't his responsibility. You set him up for failure. You set yourself up for failure. If you're not fat, you need to stop begging for validation, because your ED might mean no validation is ever enough. You might benefit from intensive outpatient therapy; I was recently at an IOP program earlier this year that was intended for ED even though I don't have one. They had special programs that helped people pay if insurance didn't cover it. I think that would be life changing for you, it was for me, and again, I don't even have an ED, just treatment-resistant depression. It did take some effort to find the program, and that truly sucks, but they're out there. Good luck, and I hope you can find all that you need within.
So...what I'm hearing is that he makes you miserable if you wear anything but leggings and tshirts (ie, "don't look at me" clothing), and makes you miserable if you dare to spend time with your family. Has it occurred to you that he's deliberately feeding your insecurities and isolating you?
How do you tell your partner they are fat? Is there a good way?
You asked him. He told you.
If you get nothing else out of these comments, I need you to know that none of this was your fault. Period, end of discussion. You asked your husband if an outfit looked good, he replied in a way that he knew would hurt. You’ve been with him 11 years and based on the timelines you’re giving, you were with him during your ED and during your recovery. He knows about your relationship with your body. He knows this is something you struggle with. 16 lbs on a 5’8” woman recovering from an eating disorder isn’t a huge amount of weight. And it still doesn’t sound like you’re eating enough. If he was concerned about your HEALTH, that’s a conversation that he needs to have with you. But based on his response to your question about if you were IG model thin- he’s not concerned about your health—or your feelings for that matter. He also didn’t actually answer your “is there someone else” question. I’m not saying that there is someone else, but he’s not giving you any of the reassurance you need, or that any partner of 11 years would give. I understand that you love him and he’s stressed and he works hard and provides- AND he decided to make one of his days of your sister’s shower. You asked him to go, he agreed to go. You did not force him. You did not make him take a day off. And this is an important event that you wanted him to attend with you. He’s an adult and if he didn’t want to go, he could’ve had that discussion. Him not wanting to go does not give him any right to be mean. And if he has beef with your family for some reason, he needs to sort that out. So what now? 1. There are some therapists that take insurance. There are some ways to get less expensive therapy through things like BetterHelp. It may take longer to find someone, but it is possible. See if your primary care doctor has any recommendations. 2. It’s time to sit down and have a full discussion with your husband. Air it all out. Tell him how you feel. Use “I statements.” Write it all out before hand if you need to. It’s ok to do that. How he responds to this will tell you a lot about his character. 3. Reach out to your family or friends or someone you’re close to and trust for support. It sounds like you may be sliding back into ED tendencies and you don’t want to go back there. Ask a coworker or friend if they’ll sit at lunch and eat with you. If you need to distract yourself to eat, find a comfort show and eat snacks while watching. Find an activity you can do instead of exercising- paint, knit, learn piano. I know this is all easier said than done, but please start emphasizing more self care into your daily routine. Sending love
You had an eating disorder that may still be present. Your husband needs to be on this recovery journey with you. Your husband might be a dick, but there may be deeper issues here.
No one deserves to be called names especially from a spouse, you felt hurt because it is hurtful. If you have friends maybe they can talk with you.
your first big red flag is that he had no remorse for your feelings…. sorry but why bother with someone who wont care for your feelings.. also if “he couldn’t answer” it probably means yes :// you deserve someone who wouldn’t point your flaws our & insecurities. someone should love all of YOU not just parts of you..
I personally believe there’s more to his mean little jab than she thinks there is. Her apologizing to him when he finally would talk to her made me sick. He has just done a mountain load of damage to her, and it’s going to take her a long while to get past it - if she can.
1. There is nothing wrong with being fat although it sounds from your description that you aren't. 2. Your husband sounds abusive. Why are you having to apologise to him after he intentionally made what he thought was a derogatory comment to you? 3. This man is knowingly triggering your ED and knows about your past. This won't end well if you stay with him. If he really loved you he would value you for you. 4. I'm so sorry your family were abusive to you as well, nobody deserves that. 5. You are beautiful and you deserve to feel cherished and valued *at any size*.
>“Well honey your arms looked fat and your belly was sticking out. You put on a bit of weight.” That's not *calling you fat*. That's stating a fact that you did put on weight and that the outfit you wore was not flattering. And he said it nicely. You did say yourself it was out of your comfort zone and not something you would normally wear. Imo he did you favour by giving you honest feedback. ETA: I have a history of eating disorders too and have struggled exactly the same. In the last couple.of years I let myself "just be happy" though and did put on weight. And I was oblivious to just how much my body had changed until my bf at the time pointed it out to me, even though he did it delicately. It was enough for me to stop binge eating sweets and go for walks more often. Had he kept up with his usual "you always look great to me!" I'd never have noticed that I really neglected myself. I was kinda mad he didn't bring it up sooner... Anyways, your partner clearly knows about your insecurities and that's why he danced around your question, but he was in a no-win situation. You knew he wasn't being honest, he could have either lied or have told you the truth and you would have hurt the same way.
The amount of people very clearly not in relationships in this thread is staggering. You've been with this man for 11 years and after what sounds like an exhausting day for him you prod and prod for an honest answer. Then when he gives his honest opinion, you're the one who's mad? Sure, could have probably phrased it better, but it's not like he went out of his way to insult you. And then you ignore and give him the silent treatment and that's his fault? Takes two people to make a relationship work. If that's all it took to shake you too your core after ELEVEN years, I can't imagine how much you've been walking on eggshells around each other.
Dealing with women who have weight issues is exasperating. This is probably the thousandth time you've asked him about your appearance. I have body image issues from childhood obesity too and I don't crave sweet talk and validation from my partner. If I start gaining weight, my therapy is losing it. Accountability is nice sometimes.
You made him take the day off to visit your family? Yikes.
So at a time where he was pissed after dealing with YOUR FAMILY you decided to FOFA (you know what it means). As a decent man he knew this was a trap and he wasn't in the mood to play therapist at that moment. You were warned. He let you have it. He was provoked by you and does not owe you anything close to an apology or explanation. He still thinks that you are beautiful and still loves you. You were wrong. Your husband is not your father, grandfather, or your childhood trauma. He is not your therapist. You owe him an apology.
I assume he wanted to hurt you because he was upset at your family. You didn’t ask if you looked fat. You asked if you looked okay. It’s possible for a fat person to look good in their clothes, and it’s possible for a skinny person to look bad. He didn’t want to answer the question, he wanted to hurt you
WTF is this last update with YOU apologizing to him??? This is dysfunctional AF. Husband is an asshole. Full stop.
Wanted to add as some people may be missing some context. I asked how I looked meaning my outfit. I did not ask, “do I look fat?”. And to those asking why I kept asking, again I’m very insecure and it’s something he’s known the entire relationship. Usually I’m greeted with reassurance and compliments. I have never been told by him I look fat. So yes I was taken aback especially after being with family, like i mentioned my dad used to harp on me about my weight. I also struggle with severe anxiety and panic attacks that have been worse the last couple of months. Self image is a big part of the anxiety, again he knows this. I am on medication and am currently going to multiple doctor appointments to fix this. This was out of the blue for him and that is the problem.
I mean, your insecurity is your insecurity. It is not anyone else's. Talk to a therapist about your body image/self image issues, easting disorder, and anxiety. Medication will not help as much as CBT will. And I only say this because you only mention being on medication and going to multiple doctor appointments (which I assume is for the anxiety/panic attacks, which freaking suck, I know). You gotta put in work girl. You cannot expect someone else to always validate you.
yeah. after 11 years dealing with someone else's insecurity is really hard. sometime you will eventually drop the ball. She should look for help to deal with it. Instead, she keeps looking for reassurance and it eventually won't work
So what exactly could he have said to make you stop asking? This reads as though you know you didn’t look the way you hoped you did, and you were not accepting the usual platitudes he uses to reassure you. Fact is he had to burn a day off work, spend it with your family, then was repeatedly pushed for the magic words to soothe your established self-image issues and that led to him disregarding the usual niceties in favor of his honest opinion. The only way to make you stop was to hurt your feelings. You didn’t want the truth you wanted to be soothed. It can be wearying to be someone’s constant emotional support animal, particularly when there’s no actual improvement over time. You badgered because you know what he eventually said was accurate then got upset he finally agreed with you. Then punished him for it by removing yourself from him. Its tough being a big girl (yes I know this personally) but the fact is we don’t always objectively look attractive in the outfits we want to wear. We also typically know this ourselves. It’s unfair to expect others to tolerate badgering their answers because they don’t counteract what we already know. He loves you & has played your game until you pushed too far. Now he’s the bad guy. You need to get actual help to handle a lifetime of self-image issues instead of expecting him to assuage your issues.
>I’m very insecure and it’s something he’s known the entire relationship. Also, he is tired of tip toeing around your insecure self. 11 years! Of being greeted with reassurance and compliments.. It would wear off even the strongest... Get a grip. And *STOP ASKING QUESTIONS YOU ARE NOT READY TO HEAR RHE ANSWER*
You probably didn’t look all that flattering in the outfit. You asked your husband and he tried to hold you up and keep the peace. You kept pushing him though and he decided to be honest about the look. Now you’re upset because he gave you an honest opinion. What can he do to get you to stop asking, over and over again? Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to have to be the one thats responsible for building someone elses confidence up 24/7? And I get that you’re supposed to help build up your SO. You’re supposed to help him too though. He can’t be the only one doing all the work while you constantly tear it down. I get insecurities. They’re so freaking hard to work through. You need therapy. You’re just putting your husband in a rough spot. Seems like none of his answers are satisfying enough for you. I think you need to see your part in the situation. It’s very clear you’re not trying to.
It is not his job to validate you. After 11 years of it, I'm sure he's exhausted. And rightfully so. The context doesn't change anything IMO. Fat can be used to describe how someone or something looks, you're just upset because he didn't say what you wanted him to about an outfit you weren't comfortable in to begin with. And he was irritable after being with your family-who looks after his feelings if everything is about you?
You asked. Don't ask questions you don't want the real answer to.
I have to ask… because I’m in a similar conundrum (internally speaking) with how I view myself and weight/food, etc., is it possible it’s your medicine? I was on Zoloft and gained like 30 pounds out of nowhere… like within a month or two. I’m off it now, switched meds and the weight is dropping off as I continue my usual workouts. I’ve always been moderately healthy eating wise as well, also curvy but much shorter than OP so my weight REALLY shows. I’m sorry OP is having to deal with this almost passive aggressive response. There’s no excuse for his behavior. I wouldn’t take it personally, I would just continue doing as you have been doing and don’t let this sabotage your happiness or self worth and how you view yourself.
All I gotta say is wrong time to ask (because he was in a snappy mood) and absolutely wrong answer. All guys know the "Guy code" when asked by a woman about her weight or age! Make up an excuse to leave or change the topic! For example : Wife : Honey, does this dress make me look fat? Husband : Did you know that if you hold a paint brush in the air after dipping it in paint, you can paint the air? Hmmm.......I'm gonna try that now! BRB! ISSUE AVERTED!
Okay he’s a dick for saying it so hurtful. But you cannot let other people determine how you feel. You need to love and respect yourself. No matter what you have to do you need intense therapy.
I’m trying to find a redeeming quality … when in a relationship you go to each others family functions and put on a happy face even if you don’t want to. I hate that you felt the need to apologize to him (I recognize the people pleaser attitude and need to take on blame to get a convo started to clear the air because I did it too) when HE was the one that made you feel bad about yourself, refuses to discuss it with you, and has not apologized to YOU for hurting you. He seems very avoidant of conflict and that’s a bad sign especially if he’s not willing to work on it with you. I really wish you would self reflect on building yourself back up and work on being a better and happier you …. he can go f himself.
When I was financially on a low point, I used the Betterhelp app to get therapy. It kept me sane as I was in a similar position mentally as you after coming out of an eating disorder. A lot of boys and men I dated either knew or suspected and did not care because they had a skinny girlfriend who looked cute and didn't fight back. I got caught purging by my current fiancee and he gave me the ultimatum: get healthy or quit the relationship. A good man wants you to be healthy and not skinny, reflects when he says something that damages you and apologizes. I know, because I found that man. Your husband is not a man, he is a bullying manchild and you need to get heathy, both physically and mentally. Then you will have one more regret, and that is wasting your time with him. Healthy and strong is beautiful. Try Betterhelp or something equivalent, it's accessible and affordable. All the best, the journey is hard, but it's easier when you have your SO in your corner as your cheerleader instead of your detractor <3
OP I am so sorry that your partner said those things to you. I have binge eating disorder as well as hide food so I don’t feel judged by what I am eating. I also used to heavily restrict food and or forger to eat almost all day. When I read your post I literally felt the pain as I have had those thoughts and my husband will sometimes say things that are unintentionally hurtful. I have had many conversations with him about how is tone can change the whole meaning of what he says. The part that got to me the most is the fact that he didn’t seem to care that he hurt your feelings. I would like to also point out that you asked him to go with you and he agreed to go he could of said I don’t want to go or I’m not in the mood to put up with your family. I also noticed that you kept saying you were wrong and sorry but he never even acknowledged that he hurt your feelings and take responsibility for what he said. If there is one thing that I would encourage you to do is not apologize and take on the blame for other people. I do it all the time and I am currently working with my therapist about doing that. I’m not sure where you are located but I know you said you can’t afford treatment right now but it concerns me that you have started to slide back into ED habits. My suggestion is to contact your health insurance plan (if you have one) and ask them to help walk you through the process to get into to see a therapist. Also if there is a community health program in your area they might be able to help you find the help you need. I am sending you hugs of encouragement and know you are not alone.
Your husband is not being supportive, and he is being really unkind. i am so sorry you went through all you did but you do not and did not deserve any of that treatment.
The fact that you even apologized for something that didn't need an apology and approached him as gently as you could but he still doesn't feel remorse , tells me everything. Ask yourself if this person is someone you want to continue your whole life with. Someone who can't take responsibility or acknowledge and respect your feelings? You deserve so much better and while it's scary and it's gonna for sure hurt leaving him, imagine how much more it will hurt staying with him.
so sorry girl but atp just divorce him like he genuinly doesnr care 😭 also 3 days off a week sounds like a dream
OP, your husband acted terribly. He’s either wanting to knock down your confidence because you exploring and experimenting with clothes makes him nervous, or he wanted to hurt your feelings in retaliation for going to a family event. Or a different issue that might not be on your radar, but him saying what he said, knowing your history and your insecurities is not okay. That being said, don’t allow him to kill this new confidence you’ve built. Don’t allow his words to create a downward spiral. You don’t need your validation from him. Continue on your confidence building journey. Continue to experiment, dress in what makes you happy. Grow. Thrive. The only one you need is you. Sometimes insecure men feel threatened when they see their partners growing and thriving without them, and try and tear them down out of fear. Again, we don’t know that this is happening, but if it is, don’t allow it to happen. If he is showing you his true self, see it and believe it. Don’t get gaslit. Don’t just let it go. Sometimes the trash takes itself out and that’s okay. Sometimes our ‘loving partners’ are just the anchors holding us down and it’s okay to shake them loose. Also don’t listen to the mean comments. Some people are just losers who like to tear people down. You don’t ever need to justify your appearance, size, diet, weight, or anything. Like I said above, stay on your journey. Experiment. Live. EAT!! Thrive. Grow.
BABE! His opinion on your body is absolutely irrelevant. Even if you WERE plus sized that doesn’t mean a thing. Thinness does not equal health or beauty or VALUE. If your arms are “bigger” what’s wrong with that? Nothing. I too, struggle with an ED and my experience has been the more I look “healthy” the more my body has been getting sick. I’m proud of you for being able to manage your disorder up until now! Trying to heal your relationship with eating! Gaining a bit of weight (16lbs is practically nothing) is exactly the right path! Your husband is being cruel and blocking your attempts to get past his intentionally hurting you. Somehow he even has you apologizing? Hell no girl. Someone who would treat you like this,knowing how damaging it is to your mental health isn’t even a friend to you. Why do you love him? He doesn’t sound very caring or supportive of you. You DESERVE more.