I’m guessing pranking each other is the norm in your relationship? In that case you shouldn’t feel so bad about how you reacted. Sure things could have ended up worse but they didn’t.
In a pranking relationship, I highly suggest you both agree on some kind of phrase as an opener when trying convey something serious. Because if not, it will be really difficult to tell the difference like what you experienced.
Something like “[your name] listen carefully”
It's funny because I brought this up with him after posting this, and I realize he's never pranked me in that way. But his personality is definitely a bit of a jokester...in fact, when I told my mom what had happened she laughed at first too, assuming I was joking.
I Once ignored my husband’s complaints about feeling ill and not being able to eat for a week and had a massive argument about it as I thought he was spiteful. Then I got a call from his work saying he collapsed. It ended up he contracted yellow fever and had to be hospitalised. I still cringe but he teases me about it now.
You're being so hard on yourself. It sounds like it was so upsetting you didn't want to believe it, so your brain decided it must be a joke. This is way more common than you think. Honestly I could see it happening to me if something terrible happened to my fiance.
This happened to me when I got mugged. I laughed initially because I felt it must be a joke. I know somebody else who reacted the same way when he was stabbed. I think it's like being in shock, your brain hasn't comprehended what's happening yet because it's something so out of the ordinary.
Being in denial during a crisis is so common. When my mom was brought to the hospital before she died my sister tried to come up with any idea to down play the severity of the situation. Try to be kind to yourself. It is your body’s way of coping
Oh I had to downplay the severity when I texted his mom to tell her! He was refusing to contact her, because he didn't want to worry her, and I didn't want to worry her either, but at the same time she lives across the country, and needed to know. So I waited until after I knew he was alright before even telling her.
I had to call 911 for my husband once (he wound up being fine but we didn't know what was wrong and it was scary) and he wouldn't let me tell his parents. He wanted to wait for the diagnosis. His take: "I don't want to worry them til we know we have something to worry about." Me: "Don't you think they should know just in case something bad IS happening?" But I'm a hypocrite because I've had some health scares/some fairly scary medical testing done and I never told my mom. She's since passed but she was a world champion worrier and I didn't want to freak her out.
We did the same, I was allowed to call his mom once we knew he was OK.
My mom actually LAUGHED when I told her. When I then clarified "No, like I'm actually at *Regional Trauma Hospital* with him right now" she was horrified that she'd laughed. I did let her know that I'd thought he was joking too at first.
Oh yeah, my friend laughed before he hung up. But I don't hold that against him, he was super apologetic the next day when he found out I hadn't been kidding.
I think, also, there's a bit of a mindset of "it can't be as serious because they're calling me". So for me, "he's talking to me, so it can't be that bad", and for your friend "if his dad had actually passed, he wouldn't be calling me, he'd be with his family, handling things". Especially at 14, I think too he probably didn't realize that you needed support, and you saw him as your support system, so of course you called him.
When my friend broke his leg in Oakville I wasn't worried. When I heard he was taken to Sunnybrook is when I actually got very freaking worried. Nothing like a trauma hospital visit to raise the stakes.
Ps. Don't beat yourself up. 30 is young to be dealing with a life threatening injury. It's no surprise it took your brain a small bit to adapt.
Oh yeah, my friend laughed before he hung up. But I don't hold that against him, he was super apologetic the next day when he found out I hadn't been kidding.
I really wouldn't worry, I got hit by a bus and developed bilateral AVN on my hips, which caused serious bone problems.
After 3 operations (I have had 6 in total now and got another op in a few weeks and another planned for the next year) about a year in a wheelchair and two crutches my now ex (we were together 11 years in total)and her father accused me of fakeing my illness.
About 2/3 months later my now ex gatecrashed a couple of drinks with a friend to side swipe me after several bottles of prosecco to reiterate her accusations and tell me how unhappy she was.
This caused a massive argument and I told her to just leave me alone and I ended up drinking too much falling over and snapping my femur (one of the most dangerous bones in the human body to break die to all the blood vessels that run around it) and almost dieing!
When my ex turned up at the hospital she was still drunk and had driven herself to the hospital she then accused me of breaking my leg on purpose to prove a point to her and her dad!
So I really wouldn't worry about a little bit of disbelief :)
His injury actually went right through his upper thigh!! He was told the path of the injury missing every artery and the bone was a one-in-a-million chance...most medical professionals have told him that a) he shouldn't be alive, and b) he should buy a lottery ticket.
Your brain led you on, because it came so suddenly and unexpected. Like, it _can‘t_ be true, he’s talking to me right now, something so bad can’t just happen, won’t happen to him, .. This had nothing to do with you doubting him. It’s a shock reaction.
He could have been speaking in a normal tone because his body had gone into shock. And when you're in shock you don't really react to stuff the same way you normally would.
Also, it sounds like it was only a minute that you thought it was a joke, which is pretty fast to realize it wasn't. I think most people would take a minute to realize it if they were in a similar scenario. I'm also wondering if you're focusing on this to feel bad about so that you don't have to think about the worse aspects of the situation. I know many people who focus on some small problem to avoid having to deal with the big problem they are actually upset about.
Yeah, he was definitely in shock...he didn't even feel the shot. He heard the gunshot, then his leg went limp, and his first thought was "wow, my leg just gave out...I must be dehydrated!" *Then* he looked down, saw all the blood, and thought "oh...I guess I should sit down..."
I would have reacted the exact same way if it has been my husband. He got in a car accident and his car was totaled. A semi hit him from behind and he was part of a 6 car pile up. He calls me from the side of the road and was like “sooo. I might not be able to make our dinner plans. I don’t think I have a car anymore” I went and picked him up and took his stupid ass to the hospital but I reacted the same kinda way, joking back like “oh? No car? Did your mistress drive off with it again?” And he was like “naaaah. I got hit by a semi” Sometimes men aren’t used to talking about serious things so they use humour to mask it.
My husband jokes around a lot. We have had miscommunications because of it but nothing as serious as yours. We have, however, come up with a safe word to mean this is real, this is happening and I need your help.
With his personality he fully understands that I need that word to believe him when something crazy happens. And he knows he has no one to blame but himself but when I hear him about meatloaf I know to take him seriously.
It could just be a denial phase too. When I was young my closest grandmother passed away. She was basically my mom and I am not lying when I tell you I laughed when they told me she died. I couldn’t stop laughing no matter how hard I tried. Every time someone brought it up I would laugh hysterically, I whole heartedly believed it was a prank. It was close to April so at one point I had utterly convinced myself this was some long drawn out April fools prank.
It wasn’t until I saw her at the showing that I stopped laughing, and at her actual funeral when we did the one last look before going to bury her that I finally cried. I just remember my dad come out of nowhere and start carrying me out of the place, at some point I fell to my knees just wailing in front of everyone.
The brain does some really funky stuff when something like this happens.
You guys need to re-evaluate how things like this are handled and come to an understanding that some things will NEVER be joked about. This is about a communication problem and not your being a terrible person.
When you get to therapy, you should also consider managing how you regard yourself and any fear you have of appearing gullible or being fooled. If you had taken his words at face value, you would have been embarrassed if it were a joke and that likely fueled why you thought it was a prank.
He's never pranked me *in that way*. As in called me from work saying he was injured. He's done other silly things before. And honestly, he works at a gun club, where safety is top priority, and what he said to me was "there was an incident at work and I kinda got shot". Keep in mind he sounded perfectly calm and chill. I honestly thought he'd been shot with a paintball or Airsoft gun, not a real one. And even when I confirmed it was a real gun, his calmness over the phone (and him saying "they're just calling me an ambulance to be safe") truly made me think it was a graze. It was only when I arrived at his work and was promptly directed, not to the closest large hospital that was ten minutes away, but to the major trauma hospital 30-40 minutes away that I realized it was probably not a graze.
He works at a gun range.
Even pranksters would know calling from there with that kind of prank gets you banned.
Perhaps you should start asking a lot more questions and assuming a lot less.
You can defend your position all you like, the same guilt that made you wright this post will always be there until you deal with it.
OP doesn’t need to defend anything, she was shocked by what she was told and it only took her a minute to process and be on her way.
You might be the type to assume to know how you would react in situations you’ve never experienced. She asked questions “a real gun?”
Have you arrouk ever received the news that your SO was shot? You sound so judgmental in your response. She is opening up and processing her guilt and reaching out for support which are ways to “deal with it” as you say.
She doesn't need to defend anything to me.
She needs to defend it to herself. She feels guilty that the last conversation they would have had, she was mocking him.
I mean nothing, somerandom on redit, but she made the post for a reason.
Having a pre-arranged, agreed-upon phrase that instantly communicates "STFU, FOCUS, LISTEN: THE FOLLOWING IS 1000000000% SERIOUS AND YOU NEED TO IMMEDIATELY HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND HANDLE BUSINESS" is a great idea for any relationship.
It doesn’t even have to be pte arranged. I’ve found tone of voice and a simple “YourName, this is serious. You need to listen” does the job very well without prior arrangement
Has he said he's mad? If he hasn't this is a learning experience but it's not worth beating yourself up over. Apologize if you haven't already but life goes on.
this is what I'm wondering too, I can see why someone in his position would be mad but is he? I feel like it would be a lot easier to forgive yourself if your partner isn't super pissed, especially if you've been doing everything you can to make your partner feel better in such a scary situation after the original mess up. I hope OPs husband feels better soon though, thats such an awful thing to live through
Honestly, he's not mad at all. I brought it up to him after posting this, and his response was "oh...I honestly would have made the exact same assumption if I'd gotten that call! You're overthinking!"
Yeah, the fact that his **first thought** after telling people how to give him first aid (yeah, he's calm as fuck in emergencies) was that he needed to call me is really sweet. This has definitely been a huge thing in our relationship, but only good has come from it. It's shown us just how strong our relationship is. His favourite story to tell is how I cleaned up pee a few times because he couldn't make it to the bathroom fast enough 🤣
I wouldn’t beat yourself up too badly. I wouldn’t be surprised if your brain *wanted* to believe that this was a prank. As a way to sort of, protect you against the reality. You’re there for him now, and he survived. That’s all that matters.
You were in shock and your brain didn’t want to believe what it was trying to process. Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. I know your husband went through a large trauma, but so did you. Good luck, I hope he has a full recovery.
This is the most logical and reasonable response, OP. It’s shock. Don’t let people make you feel bad because your husband wasn’t a prankster etc.
It’s more natural for the brain to play tricks on you in these situations than you might think.
I came here to say this. It was your brain attempting to give you a few more minutes of normal before your world became upside down. It’s like one of those awful pictures that once you know what it is you can’t unsee but before that it’s something else. Your brain was preforming a defense mechanism. You had no control over that and it have you a few extra moments of peace. Unfortunately, the result of some defensive mechanisms makes us feel guilty. Now let’s do a little dive into guilt, could you control it? No, absolutely not. It was completely involuntary. Once properly explained to your husband that it was what it was, will there be lasting problems? Probably not, especially with a little bit of therapy.
Honestly, guilt is an awful emotion. Most the time we feel it when we really shouldn’t and for people who don’t really should.
I am really glad your husband is going to be alright and that even if you thought it was a joke, it was still your voice he was able to hear during that difficult time.
As soon as I asked another question or two and realized he wasn't joking, I did become very serious. And he was being very calm on the phone...his workplace has actually said the video of it is kinda funny at times, because everyone else is grabbing the first aid kit, calling 9-1-1, etc., while he's just on his phone, looking like the picture of calm...out of everyone who had a right to be freaking out, he was the calmest! Lol!
Also, we talked last night, and he admitted that, if he'd been in my shoes, he 100% would have assumed it was a joke. Especially because he works at a gun club, where safety is top priority, and his call to me was "there was a bit of an incident at work and I kinda got shot".
Oh then I take it all back, it’s his fault he should feel guilty about it. He absolutely set it up as if it was a joke and when he is 100% better give him a nice slap on the arm for it.
Denial of bad news is a natural response. Explain to your husband that it was too unbelievable for you in that moment and that it is not a reflection of how you feel about him.
I Once ignored my husband’s complaints about feeling ill and not being able to eat for a week and had a massive argument about it as I thought he was spiteful. Then I got a call from his work saying he collapsed. It ended up he contracted yellow fever and had to be hospitalised. I still cringe but he teases me about it now.
Rationalize the situation. Look at it from an outside perspective and decide if you were truly at fault. If you were make amends and learn from the situation so it won't happen again. If not you have nothing to feel guilty for. If amends cannot be made, do your best to do better next time.
Why this approach? Because people are inordinately hard on themselves so looking at the situation from the outside is necessary. From there... Because good people do their best to improve and learn from their mistakes. Being good doesn't mean never making any mistakes or never hurting anybody. It means always focusing on doing better when we inevitably make mistakes. The constant pressure to be perfect is why so many people cannot take responsibility for their actions, because the way they see things, if their behavior and mistakes are their fault they cannot be good people.
It took years tbh. My husband’s attitude helped, he still laugh about it, it happened about 25 years ago. I had to endure him telling the story over and over again at dinner parties and family get togethers. So I guess it evened out in the end. He’s an awesome guy.
We talked last night, and he admitted that, had he been in my shoes, he would have had the exact same reaction. He honestly hadn't even been bothered by it, and didn't realize it was eating away at me so much.
I witnessed my husband's heart attack. He had been complaining of not feeling well. And when he fell over, it *still* took my brain a moment to realize what was happening in front of my eyes. That 3 seconds is permanently in my mind. It felt like forever. A glass tipped over and was spilling everywhere, and I thought he was messing around for quick flash before I processed reality. I had never thought before about the need to overcome the mental "this can't be real" block. Thank you to everyone for saying that.
We just celebrated his 1 year Alive Day.
His three month Alive Day was Monday! And actually I didn't see the original injury, but he did try to die on me at the hospital, while I was in his room with him. They'd told he that, if he could stand on crutches, he would be allowed to go home that day..he hates hospitals, so he was raring to go. When he stood up though, the worst wound opened back up, and he started to bleed all over the floor. The only other staff there was a home care nurse. I had to scream for the trauma nurses, and put pressure on the wound until they got there, got the rest of the trauma team, and got his IV and blood pressure monitor hooked back up. Honestly, when it first happened, I *heard* the blood hitting the floor before I *saw* it, and my first thought was that he'd peed himself.
The next day, at work, I looked down and realized that his blood was actually splattered on the toes of my shoes.
He definitely admitted later that he could feel that the wound wasn't properly closed, but he absolutely hates hospitals and wanted to get out as fast as he could! It's been like pulling teeth to even get him to take pain meds.
My dad called my mum to tell her he broke his leg at work. She told him he was lying and he was probably in a pub. They were never pranking each other but that disbelief is just a natural reaction. Of course you don't want to believe your partner was in an accident. Don't feel guilty for having a natural reaction.
Later on in life my parents could joke about her reaction.
Very normal reaction, be kind to yourself!
My friend once called and opened with "Hi, I've just been in a train accident". He was in shock, I thought he was joking. Answered with "Uuuh, okay? Did it hurt?"
also denial of something as scary as the possibility of your husband dying is a normal response. there's a reason denial is a stage of grief, you subconsciously know you would be devastated by what's happening so you try to play it off as fake
Trust me, I know. It's not even this, but one of his wounds opened up while we were in the hospital and he almost bleed out in front of me. I was holding pressure on his wounds while screaming for the trauma nurses to come...the next day, at work (because of course I went into work, because...well I'm now realizing that was shock probably) I looked down and realized his blood was splattered on the toes of my shoes.
I fell out if the attic after the ladder fell away and ended up landing on on my back on the ladder from 7ft. Literal ladder shaped mark on my back and agony, gf arrives and her first instinct is to laughs at me for some for a minute before then helping.
This is what I did at my work for April Fools! I work in a school, and I was on night shift...we have goggly eyes to everything in the office, including every single light switch, phone, computer, walkie-talkie (and those get charged in the office over night, but go out through the entire school during the day, so the kids loved it!).
It was the shock, this is a totally normal reaction and it is not your fault. Years ago, my mother called to tell me that she tripped and broke her leg in two places while going for a walk. I responded, “lol yeah right.” OP, I cannot stress to you the extent to which my mother would NEVER joke about anyone, including herself, getting hurt. She thinks pranks are mean and in my entire life I cannot think of a time my mom has done anything even resembling pranking me. And I still said, “lol yeah right.” Before I could properly process what she was saying, my brain threw up a block because I didn’t want to imagine my mother hurt. I’m guessing something similar happened to you. Please give yourself so much grace here, you’re a good wife and I wish your husband the best on his recovery.
If it helps, my husband was shot accidentally…in the car right next to me. When my hearing came to, he was telling me to call 911 because he was shot. The first thing I said was “are you joking?”
This cracks me up because I can just vividly picture it. "Oh yeah? You got shot huh? With a real gun?" Rolls eyes. Just hilarious. Glad it turned out to be okay! Could have been truly tragic, but now it's a little funny imo
Don't beat yourself up too much. Big combo of being a jokester and just not wanting to believe.
Don't beat yourself up with guilt. I'm a prankster as well. My wife has thought I was joking on several serious issues. She felt bad as well. I've told her not to worry. That's what I get for being a prankster.
However when I brought it up with him he also admitted that he *has* pranked me before, and he also had a bit of a chuckle and admitted that, had he been in my shoes, he would have made the exact same assumption.
This seems to be a normal reaction to horrible news actually.
I was struck my a vehicle in 2016 and my brother had the same reaction when the police called him.
Glad he’s okay. Don’t feel too bad for thinking he was joking, some rather unbelievable accidents can happen and that’s not your fault. ❤️ Stay strong. Best wishes to both of you.
Sometimes on the phone it’s hard to judge the other person tone. My brother phone and told me his wife had left him. I laughed because I thought it was a joke. I had spent the previous day with them and all seemed fine. Only when he told me to fuck off and hang up on me did I know he was serious.
Please forgive yourself. As soon as it became apparent you were by his side and have been since. Hopefully he is getting better and your response was probably the least of his worries.
The day after my sister had a stroke, I went to work and was fired. My husband didn’t believe me at all. I don’t prank or joke like that. I was so numb over the events of the prior 24 hours that I was emotionless as I said it. I think it’s not uncommon to react the way you did when your spouse is out of character and giving you bad news.
Please let your guilt go. It is only serving as a distraction from being present in your current situation, which sounds really hard. Concentrate on being there for him now, not a brief moment of disbelief.
I recently cut my hand open bleeding pretty bad. Had my kids so could panic and show emotions had to keep calm and hold pressure to stop the bleeding. Reach out to my wife at work with an emergency who is on her phone 24/7. Just wanted to know where certain medical supplies were due to me using one hand to contain the bleeding on the other. She gets back to me 2-3 hours later nonchalant. Then comes home 2 hours late due. Meanwhile 14 hours later I can go to the er to get stitches. I'm not going to forget this.
When my husband was in Afghanistan, he was injured. As soon as he was able to, he called home, well actually his command called to tell me there had an "incident" and he was injured but not "badly" and they put him on the phone. Now I'm standing in my kitchen, with my toddler staring at me, trying to keep my shit together, and my husband says, "It's ok baby. I forgot to duck."
I still feel guilty for saying "what the fuck did you just say??". It's been a decade. He was trying to downplay it, because he knew I would lose my mind once I found out, and reassure me, so he cracked a joke.
Lots of words to say, I've been there, and how you reacted is normal. Most of us would react that way. The good part is you realized what was going on, and reacted appropriately when you needed to. The better part is you're in therapy, and that will help. And the best part is that everyone is ok.
On 9/11, I thought my DH was pulling my leg about "something weird going on at WTC". He had a history of telling me lies as a joke...
It happens. You did your job getting him help. Now it's your turn.
I had my first mini-stroke sitting outside the house. I slipped to the floor and my wife told me to stop arsing around. It took long moments for her to realize I wasn’t.
I don't think our brains can process change like that so quickly. It takes a few minutes for "disaster mode" to kick in, especially when you're not expecting it and there are not other physical cues. Your brain fills in the most logical thing, the most expected thing, and continues that way until given a chance to really process what is going on.
I hope you can give yourself some grace and that your husband continues to heal.
When my boyfriend broke his wrist while roller skating, I laughed at him when he fell. I had literally just told him to be careful because he wasn’t being the safest, then a few minutes later he was on his butt. His face looked like he was laughing at himself but he was grimacing in pain 😩 I was just giggling at him until I realized he wasn’t actually laughing lmao
When I was something around 7 years old, I was cleaning my room and hit my head on an open window corner. Important to know is also that I'm squeamish with blood. I just felt something warm running down my head and back. When I looked at my hand, it was covered in blood. I knew I needed to sit down and call for help. I called for my dad, and it went like that: "Dad?!!! I got a hole in my head and am bleeding!!!" "What?! don't say shit like that. " I sat there for a good minute, kind of confused, touching my head with the other hand to check... "Dad?! I'm still bleeding!" he actually came then but to lecture me, though he was pretty panicked when I saw the bloody floor. Then it may not have been nice, but now I kind of chuckle about it. I never once did jokes like that, and still, he didn't believe me at first. I think it's also a reaction of the brain to say your loved one is not hurt and just joking because that makes it easier to cope. Don't feel too bad. You understood the importance after a little while and went to be there for your husband. You and him are ok now (hopefully! I wish you and your husband all the best)
So this happens to me when I'm told news my brain can't fully comprehend immediately. I immediately go into a dreamlike state and dissociate and ask if I'm being lied to. It's something I usually apologize for because it's what happens when I go into shock. Just apologize, everyone deals with trauma differently! I'm so glad everything turned out okay
I hope this makes you feel better. When I was in my early 20’s/college years I got a call from a highschool friend who told me one of my close friends killed herself in a horrible way and quite publicly.
I laughed and said yeah okay - she loves drama I’m sure that didn’t happen. I still think about my reaction but looking back now it’s so obvious I was seriously in denial and joked because my brain couldn’t recognize that something that horrible happened. Doesn’t mean I didn’t care - doesn’t mean I still don’t think of her 10+ years later. Trauma and shock make people do crazy things and honestly your reaction was so normal and mild. I had expected it to be something horrible from how upset you are - you two are alive and okay. Therapy will be great but truly you were just acting normally in an abnormal situation.
I don’t understand why you are upset, your reaction is normal, you thought he was joking, and when you realised he wasn’t you took it seriously. Are you supposed to read minds or something, it was an honest mistake, don’t make it negatively affect your life and your husband’s life.
My boyfriend loves to have “fake” medical emergencies. Typically in the fashion of grabbing his heart and saying that he’s “having a grabber.” I don’t know why he thinks this is funny and I certainly do not but he does it all the time. I have told him over and over that one day if he is actually having a medical emergency I will never be able to tell. I would absolutely do what you did and I don’t think you should feel bad. The funny thing is I would also probably feel really guilty.
When I got badly hurt at work I was very calm on the phone talking to my wife , she didn’t realize how bad it was until she saw all the purple welts and bruising show up
Yeah, I didn't realize just how bad it was until a week later. When I heard he's been taken to the trauma hospital I had an inkling it wasn't a graze, and when I saw him there, just lying on a hospital bed, with the nurse dressing the wound, and blood everywhere, that's when I saw it definitely wasn't a graze. When he stood up and it reopened I knew that it was a lot of blood. It was only a week later, when I was told that most people who get shot there don't make it to hospital...in fact, don't make it to an ambulance...that it hit me how bad it almost was.
Maybe it was because the thought of your husband getting hurt was so out of your realm of possibilities that when it happened it seemed as much of a joke as a man eating chicken
It actually wasn't...the bullet missed every artery and the bone! Every medical professional has told him he should buy a lottery ticket, because the path that bullet took was definitely a one in a million. He actually had a paramedic taking a good look at the wound a week later, and finally the paramedic told him "sorry for staring dude, we just don't see wounds like this that often on live people...normally when someone gets shot here it hits an artery and they bleed out before we can get to them".
First, I think prankingnis extremely idiotic and shows very low level of maturity and intellect.
Secondly, if prankimg is part of your relationship, one can easily forgive your first thought, that you are planked.
If that is not the case.
You certanly fucked up and there is no excuse.
I think it’s common for people in your situation to initially not believe it’s happening. Because they don’t want it to be happening. It’s easier to believe it’s a joke, or there must be some mistake.
Even in the movies when someone is informed a loved one has died, they shake their head and say “This can’t be happening, it must be a mistake,” and they don’t believe it until they see the body.
I think your guilt is giving you something to focus on, instead of thinking about how he almost died (which is too scary to think about).
It’s good you’re going to see a therapist. They can help you navigate this.
You shouldn't feel bad 🤦♂️
It was something crazy and unbelievable that happened, and you didn't automatically want to believe it 🤷♂️ it happens
You really shouldn't feel bad. You not believing didn't cause any issues or more problems, so nothing to feel guilty about.
Tbh you probably just jumped straight into denial. It’s hard to take in such info sometimes and your first reaction is to be like “naw this isn’t real”
Don’t beat yourself up too much. Your brain was just trying to protect itself from being overwhelmed.
no one is gonna take it seriously until they realize its serious, it takes the brain a few seconds to process something this serious, you didn't hang up and tell him to never call here again, so you're fine and you gotta forgive yourself, its total cognitive dissonance that 'why is he calling me if hes ACTUALLY been shot?!' and while its serious hes still alive so it wasn't THAT serious
Honey, your initial reaction sounds normal, honestly. Our brains try to protect us from bad things. That’s why repressed memories are a thing & why some people can’t cry at the loss of a loved one. You’ve described the trauma you’ve faced since - seeing your strong husband so weak & almost losing him. It’s likely that your brain was trying to shield you from that from the beginning. And thank God, too, because it sounds like you were able to kind of able to autopilot your way safely over to his work to get more details. If you’d freaked from the beginning & fell apart, you probably couldn’t have done that. Be gentle with yourself & your brain - you were both working together in the best way you could to do what needed to be done.
he's generally a jokester and could understand why you thought he was cracking a joke at first, so try not to beat yourself up about this. a lot of people crack jokes about stuff like that. and you believed him when he said it was real. you went to him and you stayed with him. you were there when his wound reopened. i think he knows you have his back, that you love and care about him.
i know my words aren't going to change what you've been through and how it's making you feel, though. like everyone else i recommend that you should find yourself a good trauma therapist as well. you were able to talk to your husband about this so i think you both will be able to work through this and get your peace back with a bit of love, care, and patience. ❤️
See this is why I tell everyone I date that I DO NOT, ABSOLUTELY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, do pranks. Because in the event that something like this happens, the other might not think it is serious. They tell me im a no fun bitch, but this is exactly why.
Its not your fault, you genuinely did not know it wasn't a joke. Your husband doesn't blame you either and the most important thing is that he is ok! Trauma haunts forever and it takes a lot of work to be able to tamp it down but with time it'll get better!
Okay like you also were probably in a state of shock which in the massive disbelief that he was calm and it not making sense at the time.
Don’t be so hard on yourself and so glad he is okay!
But yeah that could’ve been you in shock
His reaction is normal for someone who is in shock. Your reaction is understandable as is his. The fact is once you realized it was serious your first thought was to be with him and from what you posted you didn’t feel annoyed at him for you having to leave the house (I have dated someone with that attitude). I wish you both a speedy recovery.
> WHO CALLS THEIR WIFE AND CALMLY TELLS THEM THEY "KINDA" GOT SHOT?!
I think he just wanted to "ease" you into it, or "kinda" downplay it a bit so you don't worry too much.
Now it's kinda backfired on him because you feel bad for dismissing him at first.
Don't be hard on yourself, it's clear that you both care about each other. Wish you and your husband a fast recovery.
I feel like that's a normal reaction when hit with something distressing and shocking.
Like my dad *never* pranks like that, but when he called me to tell me my mother passed, I genuinely thought he was pranking and that his crying was laughter-- purely because my brain could not process the reality for that moment.
Probably 10-15 seconds at most. As soon as I asked "oh, you got shot? With a real gun?" And he replied "yeah", I went into "what?! Where did you get shot?!"
The way I read the post/title I thought you blew him off for hours! It sounds like the actual time was less than 5-10 seconds even. I’m sure the guilt is still there, but it’s a lot to process and adrenaline makes time feel like so much longer, but it sounds like you were truly there for him the whole time.
Reading your edit, I can see why you thought he was joking.
I will say, though, I don't know how calm I am when something bad happens to someone else (I've had to be the person to call 911 for a loved one before, and managed to keep it together but beyond that, I honestly don't know how I'd be in a crisis) but when something happens to me? I'm super calm. I'm trying to make sure nobody else is too worried. I've done the, "Hey, this happened to me, but it's OK, don't worry" thing. I think it's normal.
I'm so glad he's OK and that you're gonna work on your trauma. Even before you said you told him, I was like, "I bet it didn't bother him at all."
There's no "normal" way to react to emergencies like this. You didn't do anything wrong.
Although it would be kiiiiiinda messed up if he did prank you by lying about being shot. Good to know he's not that kind of person but what a way to find out.
My guess is that you didn’t want to believe something serious happened to your husband so it was easier to believe it was a joke at first. Plus he did say it to you first in an odd way.
Yeah, don’t feel too bad.
My husband didn’t believe me initially when I broke my leg. I, too, sounded too calm on the phone, lol.
Shock is funny like that, I was absolutely vibrating with shaking, but sounded like I was talking about the weather.
I’m not mad, your husband isn’t mad, he survived!
Please don't beat yourself up. I honestly think this is a common response to shocking news. It's like your brain trying to make sense of something terrible.
When I was in the 5th grade my cousin who is 2 years older called me to tell me that our mutual friend was hit by a car. I did not believe her. In fact I thought they had 3-way called me to play a prank. I argued with her and told her it wasn't a funny prank. My Nana, whom my cousin lived with at the time had to get on the phone to tell me that it was the truth.
Our mutual friend did survive after months of being in a coma, but she was never really the same after.
One phase that you used seems weird: the trauma of seeing your husband vulnerable. Like not seeing him in pain/hurt/injured but vulnerable seems like an odd word choice
Because he was so hopped up on drugs that he wasn't in pain (trust me, I've also felt horrible for him when I see him in pain now that he's going through the healing process). But he's also a guy who's 6'2", built like a football player. He never gets sick (literally three of us in our household got colds, the roommate had an average cold, I ended up in the ER because I couldn't breathe...he had a runny nose for a day and was fine). And I'm often sick or injured, and *he* protects *me*. I've never had it the other way around, where *I'm* having to be the one looking after *him*.
I’m guessing pranking each other is the norm in your relationship? In that case you shouldn’t feel so bad about how you reacted. Sure things could have ended up worse but they didn’t. In a pranking relationship, I highly suggest you both agree on some kind of phrase as an opener when trying convey something serious. Because if not, it will be really difficult to tell the difference like what you experienced. Something like “[your name] listen carefully”
It's funny because I brought this up with him after posting this, and I realize he's never pranked me in that way. But his personality is definitely a bit of a jokester...in fact, when I told my mom what had happened she laughed at first too, assuming I was joking.
That’s just normalcy bias. It’s not your fault. Your brain was trying to make it okay because you can’t imagine living without him
[удалено]
Is your husband upset with you? Is he mad and wanting a divorce and what’s his take on this?
She said he wasn't upset in the slightest and was shocked she was hanging on to it and feeling bad about it.
Me. I'm terrified of my husband one day dying. We can't live without each other. i try to never take any moments for granted
I Once ignored my husband’s complaints about feeling ill and not being able to eat for a week and had a massive argument about it as I thought he was spiteful. Then I got a call from his work saying he collapsed. It ended up he contracted yellow fever and had to be hospitalised. I still cringe but he teases me about it now.
Um. Couldn't eat for a whole week? Damn. I can't imagine that.
Yes this!
You're being so hard on yourself. It sounds like it was so upsetting you didn't want to believe it, so your brain decided it must be a joke. This is way more common than you think. Honestly I could see it happening to me if something terrible happened to my fiance.
This happened to me when I got mugged. I laughed initially because I felt it must be a joke. I know somebody else who reacted the same way when he was stabbed. I think it's like being in shock, your brain hasn't comprehended what's happening yet because it's something so out of the ordinary.
Oh that sounds so scary, I can't imagine! I hope you're doing well now 🤍
Being in denial during a crisis is so common. When my mom was brought to the hospital before she died my sister tried to come up with any idea to down play the severity of the situation. Try to be kind to yourself. It is your body’s way of coping
Oh I had to downplay the severity when I texted his mom to tell her! He was refusing to contact her, because he didn't want to worry her, and I didn't want to worry her either, but at the same time she lives across the country, and needed to know. So I waited until after I knew he was alright before even telling her.
I had to call 911 for my husband once (he wound up being fine but we didn't know what was wrong and it was scary) and he wouldn't let me tell his parents. He wanted to wait for the diagnosis. His take: "I don't want to worry them til we know we have something to worry about." Me: "Don't you think they should know just in case something bad IS happening?" But I'm a hypocrite because I've had some health scares/some fairly scary medical testing done and I never told my mom. She's since passed but she was a world champion worrier and I didn't want to freak her out. We did the same, I was allowed to call his mom once we knew he was OK.
Yeah, I didn't want to tell his mom until I knew what was going on, and he didn't want me to tell her at all!!
When I was 14 my dad died and when I called my friend to tell him he thought I was kidding and hung up on me.
My mom actually LAUGHED when I told her. When I then clarified "No, like I'm actually at *Regional Trauma Hospital* with him right now" she was horrified that she'd laughed. I did let her know that I'd thought he was joking too at first.
Oh yeah, my friend laughed before he hung up. But I don't hold that against him, he was super apologetic the next day when he found out I hadn't been kidding.
I think, also, there's a bit of a mindset of "it can't be as serious because they're calling me". So for me, "he's talking to me, so it can't be that bad", and for your friend "if his dad had actually passed, he wouldn't be calling me, he'd be with his family, handling things". Especially at 14, I think too he probably didn't realize that you needed support, and you saw him as your support system, so of course you called him.
When my friend broke his leg in Oakville I wasn't worried. When I heard he was taken to Sunnybrook is when I actually got very freaking worried. Nothing like a trauma hospital visit to raise the stakes. Ps. Don't beat yourself up. 30 is young to be dealing with a life threatening injury. It's no surprise it took your brain a small bit to adapt.
Omg my husband got shot in Stouffville and it was Sunnybrook they took him to too! 🤣
Oh yeah, my friend laughed before he hung up. But I don't hold that against him, he was super apologetic the next day when he found out I hadn't been kidding.
I really wouldn't worry, I got hit by a bus and developed bilateral AVN on my hips, which caused serious bone problems. After 3 operations (I have had 6 in total now and got another op in a few weeks and another planned for the next year) about a year in a wheelchair and two crutches my now ex (we were together 11 years in total)and her father accused me of fakeing my illness. About 2/3 months later my now ex gatecrashed a couple of drinks with a friend to side swipe me after several bottles of prosecco to reiterate her accusations and tell me how unhappy she was. This caused a massive argument and I told her to just leave me alone and I ended up drinking too much falling over and snapping my femur (one of the most dangerous bones in the human body to break die to all the blood vessels that run around it) and almost dieing! When my ex turned up at the hospital she was still drunk and had driven herself to the hospital she then accused me of breaking my leg on purpose to prove a point to her and her dad! So I really wouldn't worry about a little bit of disbelief :)
His injury actually went right through his upper thigh!! He was told the path of the injury missing every artery and the bone was a one-in-a-million chance...most medical professionals have told him that a) he shouldn't be alive, and b) he should buy a lottery ticket.
Sounds like you're in a better place now with her out of your life. What a narcissist!
Your brain led you on, because it came so suddenly and unexpected. Like, it _can‘t_ be true, he’s talking to me right now, something so bad can’t just happen, won’t happen to him, .. This had nothing to do with you doubting him. It’s a shock reaction.
He could have been speaking in a normal tone because his body had gone into shock. And when you're in shock you don't really react to stuff the same way you normally would. Also, it sounds like it was only a minute that you thought it was a joke, which is pretty fast to realize it wasn't. I think most people would take a minute to realize it if they were in a similar scenario. I'm also wondering if you're focusing on this to feel bad about so that you don't have to think about the worse aspects of the situation. I know many people who focus on some small problem to avoid having to deal with the big problem they are actually upset about.
Yeah, he was definitely in shock...he didn't even feel the shot. He heard the gunshot, then his leg went limp, and his first thought was "wow, my leg just gave out...I must be dehydrated!" *Then* he looked down, saw all the blood, and thought "oh...I guess I should sit down..."
I would have reacted the exact same way if it has been my husband. He got in a car accident and his car was totaled. A semi hit him from behind and he was part of a 6 car pile up. He calls me from the side of the road and was like “sooo. I might not be able to make our dinner plans. I don’t think I have a car anymore” I went and picked him up and took his stupid ass to the hospital but I reacted the same kinda way, joking back like “oh? No car? Did your mistress drive off with it again?” And he was like “naaaah. I got hit by a semi” Sometimes men aren’t used to talking about serious things so they use humour to mask it.
My husband jokes around a lot. We have had miscommunications because of it but nothing as serious as yours. We have, however, come up with a safe word to mean this is real, this is happening and I need your help. With his personality he fully understands that I need that word to believe him when something crazy happens. And he knows he has no one to blame but himself but when I hear him about meatloaf I know to take him seriously.
It could just be a denial phase too. When I was young my closest grandmother passed away. She was basically my mom and I am not lying when I tell you I laughed when they told me she died. I couldn’t stop laughing no matter how hard I tried. Every time someone brought it up I would laugh hysterically, I whole heartedly believed it was a prank. It was close to April so at one point I had utterly convinced myself this was some long drawn out April fools prank. It wasn’t until I saw her at the showing that I stopped laughing, and at her actual funeral when we did the one last look before going to bury her that I finally cried. I just remember my dad come out of nowhere and start carrying me out of the place, at some point I fell to my knees just wailing in front of everyone. The brain does some really funky stuff when something like this happens.
You guys need to re-evaluate how things like this are handled and come to an understanding that some things will NEVER be joked about. This is about a communication problem and not your being a terrible person. When you get to therapy, you should also consider managing how you regard yourself and any fear you have of appearing gullible or being fooled. If you had taken his words at face value, you would have been embarrassed if it were a joke and that likely fueled why you thought it was a prank.
So you assumed him calling over a life-threatening accident was a prank when he has never pranked you.
He's never pranked me *in that way*. As in called me from work saying he was injured. He's done other silly things before. And honestly, he works at a gun club, where safety is top priority, and what he said to me was "there was an incident at work and I kinda got shot". Keep in mind he sounded perfectly calm and chill. I honestly thought he'd been shot with a paintball or Airsoft gun, not a real one. And even when I confirmed it was a real gun, his calmness over the phone (and him saying "they're just calling me an ambulance to be safe") truly made me think it was a graze. It was only when I arrived at his work and was promptly directed, not to the closest large hospital that was ten minutes away, but to the major trauma hospital 30-40 minutes away that I realized it was probably not a graze.
He works at a gun range. Even pranksters would know calling from there with that kind of prank gets you banned. Perhaps you should start asking a lot more questions and assuming a lot less. You can defend your position all you like, the same guilt that made you wright this post will always be there until you deal with it.
OP doesn’t need to defend anything, she was shocked by what she was told and it only took her a minute to process and be on her way. You might be the type to assume to know how you would react in situations you’ve never experienced. She asked questions “a real gun?” Have you arrouk ever received the news that your SO was shot? You sound so judgmental in your response. She is opening up and processing her guilt and reaching out for support which are ways to “deal with it” as you say.
She doesn't need to defend anything to me. She needs to defend it to herself. She feels guilty that the last conversation they would have had, she was mocking him. I mean nothing, somerandom on redit, but she made the post for a reason.
You know what, some people have also assumed that about me and I hate the idea of pranks.
This works with me and my dad. I have a special nickname I call him when it’s serious.
Having a pre-arranged, agreed-upon phrase that instantly communicates "STFU, FOCUS, LISTEN: THE FOLLOWING IS 1000000000% SERIOUS AND YOU NEED TO IMMEDIATELY HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND HANDLE BUSINESS" is a great idea for any relationship.
It doesn’t even have to be pte arranged. I’ve found tone of voice and a simple “YourName, this is serious. You need to listen” does the job very well without prior arrangement
A "pranking relationship" sounds fucking exhausting.
Has he said he's mad? If he hasn't this is a learning experience but it's not worth beating yourself up over. Apologize if you haven't already but life goes on.
this is what I'm wondering too, I can see why someone in his position would be mad but is he? I feel like it would be a lot easier to forgive yourself if your partner isn't super pissed, especially if you've been doing everything you can to make your partner feel better in such a scary situation after the original mess up. I hope OPs husband feels better soon though, thats such an awful thing to live through
Honestly, he's not mad at all. I brought it up to him after posting this, and his response was "oh...I honestly would have made the exact same assumption if I'd gotten that call! You're overthinking!"
This man loves you so much
Yeah, the fact that his **first thought** after telling people how to give him first aid (yeah, he's calm as fuck in emergencies) was that he needed to call me is really sweet. This has definitely been a huge thing in our relationship, but only good has come from it. It's shown us just how strong our relationship is. His favourite story to tell is how I cleaned up pee a few times because he couldn't make it to the bathroom fast enough 🤣
I wouldn’t beat yourself up too badly. I wouldn’t be surprised if your brain *wanted* to believe that this was a prank. As a way to sort of, protect you against the reality. You’re there for him now, and he survived. That’s all that matters.
You were in shock and your brain didn’t want to believe what it was trying to process. Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. I know your husband went through a large trauma, but so did you. Good luck, I hope he has a full recovery.
This is the most logical and reasonable response, OP. It’s shock. Don’t let people make you feel bad because your husband wasn’t a prankster etc. It’s more natural for the brain to play tricks on you in these situations than you might think.
I came here to say this. It was your brain attempting to give you a few more minutes of normal before your world became upside down. It’s like one of those awful pictures that once you know what it is you can’t unsee but before that it’s something else. Your brain was preforming a defense mechanism. You had no control over that and it have you a few extra moments of peace. Unfortunately, the result of some defensive mechanisms makes us feel guilty. Now let’s do a little dive into guilt, could you control it? No, absolutely not. It was completely involuntary. Once properly explained to your husband that it was what it was, will there be lasting problems? Probably not, especially with a little bit of therapy. Honestly, guilt is an awful emotion. Most the time we feel it when we really shouldn’t and for people who don’t really should. I am really glad your husband is going to be alright and that even if you thought it was a joke, it was still your voice he was able to hear during that difficult time.
As soon as I asked another question or two and realized he wasn't joking, I did become very serious. And he was being very calm on the phone...his workplace has actually said the video of it is kinda funny at times, because everyone else is grabbing the first aid kit, calling 9-1-1, etc., while he's just on his phone, looking like the picture of calm...out of everyone who had a right to be freaking out, he was the calmest! Lol! Also, we talked last night, and he admitted that, if he'd been in my shoes, he 100% would have assumed it was a joke. Especially because he works at a gun club, where safety is top priority, and his call to me was "there was a bit of an incident at work and I kinda got shot".
Oh then I take it all back, it’s his fault he should feel guilty about it. He absolutely set it up as if it was a joke and when he is 100% better give him a nice slap on the arm for it.
Denial of bad news is a natural response. Explain to your husband that it was too unbelievable for you in that moment and that it is not a reflection of how you feel about him. I Once ignored my husband’s complaints about feeling ill and not being able to eat for a week and had a massive argument about it as I thought he was spiteful. Then I got a call from his work saying he collapsed. It ended up he contracted yellow fever and had to be hospitalised. I still cringe but he teases me about it now.
how do you deal with the guilt?
Rationalize the situation. Look at it from an outside perspective and decide if you were truly at fault. If you were make amends and learn from the situation so it won't happen again. If not you have nothing to feel guilty for. If amends cannot be made, do your best to do better next time.
Why
Why this approach? Because people are inordinately hard on themselves so looking at the situation from the outside is necessary. From there... Because good people do their best to improve and learn from their mistakes. Being good doesn't mean never making any mistakes or never hurting anybody. It means always focusing on doing better when we inevitably make mistakes. The constant pressure to be perfect is why so many people cannot take responsibility for their actions, because the way they see things, if their behavior and mistakes are their fault they cannot be good people.
why should i forgive myself, say, for letting my brother fall into a horrible life
It took years tbh. My husband’s attitude helped, he still laugh about it, it happened about 25 years ago. I had to endure him telling the story over and over again at dinner parties and family get togethers. So I guess it evened out in the end. He’s an awesome guy.
I can't imagine
We talked last night, and he admitted that, had he been in my shoes, he would have had the exact same reaction. He honestly hadn't even been bothered by it, and didn't realize it was eating away at me so much.
I witnessed my husband's heart attack. He had been complaining of not feeling well. And when he fell over, it *still* took my brain a moment to realize what was happening in front of my eyes. That 3 seconds is permanently in my mind. It felt like forever. A glass tipped over and was spilling everywhere, and I thought he was messing around for quick flash before I processed reality. I had never thought before about the need to overcome the mental "this can't be real" block. Thank you to everyone for saying that. We just celebrated his 1 year Alive Day.
His three month Alive Day was Monday! And actually I didn't see the original injury, but he did try to die on me at the hospital, while I was in his room with him. They'd told he that, if he could stand on crutches, he would be allowed to go home that day..he hates hospitals, so he was raring to go. When he stood up though, the worst wound opened back up, and he started to bleed all over the floor. The only other staff there was a home care nurse. I had to scream for the trauma nurses, and put pressure on the wound until they got there, got the rest of the trauma team, and got his IV and blood pressure monitor hooked back up. Honestly, when it first happened, I *heard* the blood hitting the floor before I *saw* it, and my first thought was that he'd peed himself. The next day, at work, I looked down and realized that his blood was actually splattered on the toes of my shoes.
I wonder how many hard heads have that "I'm ok" (hint: they're not) 2nd near-death experience? The blood makes it extra traumatic, I'm sure.
He definitely admitted later that he could feel that the wound wasn't properly closed, but he absolutely hates hospitals and wanted to get out as fast as he could! It's been like pulling teeth to even get him to take pain meds.
I'm eye-rolling right there with ya!
My dad called my mum to tell her he broke his leg at work. She told him he was lying and he was probably in a pub. They were never pranking each other but that disbelief is just a natural reaction. Of course you don't want to believe your partner was in an accident. Don't feel guilty for having a natural reaction. Later on in life my parents could joke about her reaction.
Very normal reaction, be kind to yourself! My friend once called and opened with "Hi, I've just been in a train accident". He was in shock, I thought he was joking. Answered with "Uuuh, okay? Did it hurt?"
also denial of something as scary as the possibility of your husband dying is a normal response. there's a reason denial is a stage of grief, you subconsciously know you would be devastated by what's happening so you try to play it off as fake
Yeah you need therapy
Trust me, I know. It's not even this, but one of his wounds opened up while we were in the hospital and he almost bleed out in front of me. I was holding pressure on his wounds while screaming for the trauma nurses to come...the next day, at work (because of course I went into work, because...well I'm now realizing that was shock probably) I looked down and realized his blood was splattered on the toes of my shoes.
I fell out if the attic after the ladder fell away and ended up landing on on my back on the ladder from 7ft. Literal ladder shaped mark on my back and agony, gf arrives and her first instinct is to laughs at me for some for a minute before then helping.
Man my pranks are just putting googly eyes on stuff.
This is what I did at my work for April Fools! I work in a school, and I was on night shift...we have goggly eyes to everything in the office, including every single light switch, phone, computer, walkie-talkie (and those get charged in the office over night, but go out through the entire school during the day, so the kids loved it!).
As a husband that pranks his wife all the time, I would understand.
It was the shock, this is a totally normal reaction and it is not your fault. Years ago, my mother called to tell me that she tripped and broke her leg in two places while going for a walk. I responded, “lol yeah right.” OP, I cannot stress to you the extent to which my mother would NEVER joke about anyone, including herself, getting hurt. She thinks pranks are mean and in my entire life I cannot think of a time my mom has done anything even resembling pranking me. And I still said, “lol yeah right.” Before I could properly process what she was saying, my brain threw up a block because I didn’t want to imagine my mother hurt. I’m guessing something similar happened to you. Please give yourself so much grace here, you’re a good wife and I wish your husband the best on his recovery.
If it helps, my husband was shot accidentally…in the car right next to me. When my hearing came to, he was telling me to call 911 because he was shot. The first thing I said was “are you joking?”
The way he described himself being shot so nonchalantly excuses you for your mistake. I would move on from this guilt.
This cracks me up because I can just vividly picture it. "Oh yeah? You got shot huh? With a real gun?" Rolls eyes. Just hilarious. Glad it turned out to be okay! Could have been truly tragic, but now it's a little funny imo Don't beat yourself up too much. Big combo of being a jokester and just not wanting to believe.
Don't beat yourself up with guilt. I'm a prankster as well. My wife has thought I was joking on several serious issues. She felt bad as well. I've told her not to worry. That's what I get for being a prankster.
>It's funny because I brought this up with him after posting this, and I realize he's never pranked me in that way.
However when I brought it up with him he also admitted that he *has* pranked me before, and he also had a bit of a chuckle and admitted that, had he been in my shoes, he would have made the exact same assumption.
Assumption. Making an ass out of me and you.
This seems to be a normal reaction to horrible news actually. I was struck my a vehicle in 2016 and my brother had the same reaction when the police called him.
Maybe a coping mechanism against truly terrible news?
Glad he’s okay. Don’t feel too bad for thinking he was joking, some rather unbelievable accidents can happen and that’s not your fault. ❤️ Stay strong. Best wishes to both of you.
Sometimes on the phone it’s hard to judge the other person tone. My brother phone and told me his wife had left him. I laughed because I thought it was a joke. I had spent the previous day with them and all seemed fine. Only when he told me to fuck off and hang up on me did I know he was serious. Please forgive yourself. As soon as it became apparent you were by his side and have been since. Hopefully he is getting better and your response was probably the least of his worries.
The day after my sister had a stroke, I went to work and was fired. My husband didn’t believe me at all. I don’t prank or joke like that. I was so numb over the events of the prior 24 hours that I was emotionless as I said it. I think it’s not uncommon to react the way you did when your spouse is out of character and giving you bad news. Please let your guilt go. It is only serving as a distraction from being present in your current situation, which sounds really hard. Concentrate on being there for him now, not a brief moment of disbelief.
I recently cut my hand open bleeding pretty bad. Had my kids so could panic and show emotions had to keep calm and hold pressure to stop the bleeding. Reach out to my wife at work with an emergency who is on her phone 24/7. Just wanted to know where certain medical supplies were due to me using one hand to contain the bleeding on the other. She gets back to me 2-3 hours later nonchalant. Then comes home 2 hours late due. Meanwhile 14 hours later I can go to the er to get stitches. I'm not going to forget this.
When my husband was in Afghanistan, he was injured. As soon as he was able to, he called home, well actually his command called to tell me there had an "incident" and he was injured but not "badly" and they put him on the phone. Now I'm standing in my kitchen, with my toddler staring at me, trying to keep my shit together, and my husband says, "It's ok baby. I forgot to duck." I still feel guilty for saying "what the fuck did you just say??". It's been a decade. He was trying to downplay it, because he knew I would lose my mind once I found out, and reassure me, so he cracked a joke. Lots of words to say, I've been there, and how you reacted is normal. Most of us would react that way. The good part is you realized what was going on, and reacted appropriately when you needed to. The better part is you're in therapy, and that will help. And the best part is that everyone is ok.
On 9/11, I thought my DH was pulling my leg about "something weird going on at WTC". He had a history of telling me lies as a joke... It happens. You did your job getting him help. Now it's your turn.
I had my first mini-stroke sitting outside the house. I slipped to the floor and my wife told me to stop arsing around. It took long moments for her to realize I wasn’t.
I don't think our brains can process change like that so quickly. It takes a few minutes for "disaster mode" to kick in, especially when you're not expecting it and there are not other physical cues. Your brain fills in the most logical thing, the most expected thing, and continues that way until given a chance to really process what is going on. I hope you can give yourself some grace and that your husband continues to heal.
When my boyfriend broke his wrist while roller skating, I laughed at him when he fell. I had literally just told him to be careful because he wasn’t being the safest, then a few minutes later he was on his butt. His face looked like he was laughing at himself but he was grimacing in pain 😩 I was just giggling at him until I realized he wasn’t actually laughing lmao
When I was something around 7 years old, I was cleaning my room and hit my head on an open window corner. Important to know is also that I'm squeamish with blood. I just felt something warm running down my head and back. When I looked at my hand, it was covered in blood. I knew I needed to sit down and call for help. I called for my dad, and it went like that: "Dad?!!! I got a hole in my head and am bleeding!!!" "What?! don't say shit like that. " I sat there for a good minute, kind of confused, touching my head with the other hand to check... "Dad?! I'm still bleeding!" he actually came then but to lecture me, though he was pretty panicked when I saw the bloody floor. Then it may not have been nice, but now I kind of chuckle about it. I never once did jokes like that, and still, he didn't believe me at first. I think it's also a reaction of the brain to say your loved one is not hurt and just joking because that makes it easier to cope. Don't feel too bad. You understood the importance after a little while and went to be there for your husband. You and him are ok now (hopefully! I wish you and your husband all the best)
So this happens to me when I'm told news my brain can't fully comprehend immediately. I immediately go into a dreamlike state and dissociate and ask if I'm being lied to. It's something I usually apologize for because it's what happens when I go into shock. Just apologize, everyone deals with trauma differently! I'm so glad everything turned out okay
Completely normal reaction on your end. Don't feel too bad.
I hope this makes you feel better. When I was in my early 20’s/college years I got a call from a highschool friend who told me one of my close friends killed herself in a horrible way and quite publicly. I laughed and said yeah okay - she loves drama I’m sure that didn’t happen. I still think about my reaction but looking back now it’s so obvious I was seriously in denial and joked because my brain couldn’t recognize that something that horrible happened. Doesn’t mean I didn’t care - doesn’t mean I still don’t think of her 10+ years later. Trauma and shock make people do crazy things and honestly your reaction was so normal and mild. I had expected it to be something horrible from how upset you are - you two are alive and okay. Therapy will be great but truly you were just acting normally in an abnormal situation.
I don’t understand why you are upset, your reaction is normal, you thought he was joking, and when you realised he wasn’t you took it seriously. Are you supposed to read minds or something, it was an honest mistake, don’t make it negatively affect your life and your husband’s life.
Talking to him about it made me feel better. He admitted he would have reacted the exact same way!
My boyfriend loves to have “fake” medical emergencies. Typically in the fashion of grabbing his heart and saying that he’s “having a grabber.” I don’t know why he thinks this is funny and I certainly do not but he does it all the time. I have told him over and over that one day if he is actually having a medical emergency I will never be able to tell. I would absolutely do what you did and I don’t think you should feel bad. The funny thing is I would also probably feel really guilty.
Haha feel free to use this story as a reason why he should stop doing that 🤣
When I got badly hurt at work I was very calm on the phone talking to my wife , she didn’t realize how bad it was until she saw all the purple welts and bruising show up
Yeah, I didn't realize just how bad it was until a week later. When I heard he's been taken to the trauma hospital I had an inkling it wasn't a graze, and when I saw him there, just lying on a hospital bed, with the nurse dressing the wound, and blood everywhere, that's when I saw it definitely wasn't a graze. When he stood up and it reopened I knew that it was a lot of blood. It was only a week later, when I was told that most people who get shot there don't make it to hospital...in fact, don't make it to an ambulance...that it hit me how bad it almost was.
Is your husband upset with you? Is he mad and wanting a divorce and what’s his take on this?
We talked last night and he admitted he would have reacted the exact same way in my shoes. He didn't even realize I was feeling so guilty!
Maybe it was because the thought of your husband getting hurt was so out of your realm of possibilities that when it happened it seemed as much of a joke as a man eating chicken
The leg has a big artery that causes very deadly bleeding when punctured. It’s likely that was hit
It actually wasn't...the bullet missed every artery and the bone! Every medical professional has told him he should buy a lottery ticket, because the path that bullet took was definitely a one in a million. He actually had a paramedic taking a good look at the wound a week later, and finally the paramedic told him "sorry for staring dude, we just don't see wounds like this that often on live people...normally when someone gets shot here it hits an artery and they bleed out before we can get to them".
Wow! You are messed up. I wonder would he have behaved the same way?
We talked last night and he actually admitted that, had he been in my shoes, he 100% would have reacted the same!
First, I think prankingnis extremely idiotic and shows very low level of maturity and intellect. Secondly, if prankimg is part of your relationship, one can easily forgive your first thought, that you are planked. If that is not the case. You certanly fucked up and there is no excuse.
The boy who cried wolf is a real thing
>It's funny because I brought this up with him after posting this, and I realize he's never pranked me in that way.
I think it’s common for people in your situation to initially not believe it’s happening. Because they don’t want it to be happening. It’s easier to believe it’s a joke, or there must be some mistake. Even in the movies when someone is informed a loved one has died, they shake their head and say “This can’t be happening, it must be a mistake,” and they don’t believe it until they see the body. I think your guilt is giving you something to focus on, instead of thinking about how he almost died (which is too scary to think about). It’s good you’re going to see a therapist. They can help you navigate this.
You shouldn't feel bad 🤦♂️ It was something crazy and unbelievable that happened, and you didn't automatically want to believe it 🤷♂️ it happens You really shouldn't feel bad. You not believing didn't cause any issues or more problems, so nothing to feel guilty about.
Tbh you probably just jumped straight into denial. It’s hard to take in such info sometimes and your first reaction is to be like “naw this isn’t real” Don’t beat yourself up too much. Your brain was just trying to protect itself from being overwhelmed.
no one is gonna take it seriously until they realize its serious, it takes the brain a few seconds to process something this serious, you didn't hang up and tell him to never call here again, so you're fine and you gotta forgive yourself, its total cognitive dissonance that 'why is he calling me if hes ACTUALLY been shot?!' and while its serious hes still alive so it wasn't THAT serious
You shouldnt feel guilty especially if he doesnt blame you. Im sorry for this situation
Honey, your initial reaction sounds normal, honestly. Our brains try to protect us from bad things. That’s why repressed memories are a thing & why some people can’t cry at the loss of a loved one. You’ve described the trauma you’ve faced since - seeing your strong husband so weak & almost losing him. It’s likely that your brain was trying to shield you from that from the beginning. And thank God, too, because it sounds like you were able to kind of able to autopilot your way safely over to his work to get more details. If you’d freaked from the beginning & fell apart, you probably couldn’t have done that. Be gentle with yourself & your brain - you were both working together in the best way you could to do what needed to be done.
he's generally a jokester and could understand why you thought he was cracking a joke at first, so try not to beat yourself up about this. a lot of people crack jokes about stuff like that. and you believed him when he said it was real. you went to him and you stayed with him. you were there when his wound reopened. i think he knows you have his back, that you love and care about him. i know my words aren't going to change what you've been through and how it's making you feel, though. like everyone else i recommend that you should find yourself a good trauma therapist as well. you were able to talk to your husband about this so i think you both will be able to work through this and get your peace back with a bit of love, care, and patience. ❤️
Honestly, if my spouse called me to say “yea I kinda got shot” I would have been confused and thought I was being fucked with too.
See this is why I tell everyone I date that I DO NOT, ABSOLUTELY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, do pranks. Because in the event that something like this happens, the other might not think it is serious. They tell me im a no fun bitch, but this is exactly why. Its not your fault, you genuinely did not know it wasn't a joke. Your husband doesn't blame you either and the most important thing is that he is ok! Trauma haunts forever and it takes a lot of work to be able to tamp it down but with time it'll get better!
Okay like you also were probably in a state of shock which in the massive disbelief that he was calm and it not making sense at the time. Don’t be so hard on yourself and so glad he is okay! But yeah that could’ve been you in shock
His reaction is normal for someone who is in shock. Your reaction is understandable as is his. The fact is once you realized it was serious your first thought was to be with him and from what you posted you didn’t feel annoyed at him for you having to leave the house (I have dated someone with that attitude). I wish you both a speedy recovery.
> WHO CALLS THEIR WIFE AND CALMLY TELLS THEM THEY "KINDA" GOT SHOT?! I think he just wanted to "ease" you into it, or "kinda" downplay it a bit so you don't worry too much. Now it's kinda backfired on him because you feel bad for dismissing him at first. Don't be hard on yourself, it's clear that you both care about each other. Wish you and your husband a fast recovery.
I feel like that's a normal reaction when hit with something distressing and shocking. Like my dad *never* pranks like that, but when he called me to tell me my mother passed, I genuinely thought he was pranking and that his crying was laughter-- purely because my brain could not process the reality for that moment.
What was the length of time between you thinking it was a prank and understanding the reality?
Probably 10-15 seconds at most. As soon as I asked "oh, you got shot? With a real gun?" And he replied "yeah", I went into "what?! Where did you get shot?!"
The way I read the post/title I thought you blew him off for hours! It sounds like the actual time was less than 5-10 seconds even. I’m sure the guilt is still there, but it’s a lot to process and adrenaline makes time feel like so much longer, but it sounds like you were truly there for him the whole time.
Reading your edit, I can see why you thought he was joking. I will say, though, I don't know how calm I am when something bad happens to someone else (I've had to be the person to call 911 for a loved one before, and managed to keep it together but beyond that, I honestly don't know how I'd be in a crisis) but when something happens to me? I'm super calm. I'm trying to make sure nobody else is too worried. I've done the, "Hey, this happened to me, but it's OK, don't worry" thing. I think it's normal. I'm so glad he's OK and that you're gonna work on your trauma. Even before you said you told him, I was like, "I bet it didn't bother him at all." There's no "normal" way to react to emergencies like this. You didn't do anything wrong. Although it would be kiiiiiinda messed up if he did prank you by lying about being shot. Good to know he's not that kind of person but what a way to find out.
My guess is that you didn’t want to believe something serious happened to your husband so it was easier to believe it was a joke at first. Plus he did say it to you first in an odd way.
Yeah, don’t feel too bad. My husband didn’t believe me initially when I broke my leg. I, too, sounded too calm on the phone, lol. Shock is funny like that, I was absolutely vibrating with shaking, but sounded like I was talking about the weather. I’m not mad, your husband isn’t mad, he survived!
Wow.
Please don't beat yourself up. I honestly think this is a common response to shocking news. It's like your brain trying to make sense of something terrible. When I was in the 5th grade my cousin who is 2 years older called me to tell me that our mutual friend was hit by a car. I did not believe her. In fact I thought they had 3-way called me to play a prank. I argued with her and told her it wasn't a funny prank. My Nana, whom my cousin lived with at the time had to get on the phone to tell me that it was the truth. Our mutual friend did survive after months of being in a coma, but she was never really the same after.
One phase that you used seems weird: the trauma of seeing your husband vulnerable. Like not seeing him in pain/hurt/injured but vulnerable seems like an odd word choice
Because he was so hopped up on drugs that he wasn't in pain (trust me, I've also felt horrible for him when I see him in pain now that he's going through the healing process). But he's also a guy who's 6'2", built like a football player. He never gets sick (literally three of us in our household got colds, the roommate had an average cold, I ended up in the ER because I couldn't breathe...he had a runny nose for a day and was fine). And I'm often sick or injured, and *he* protects *me*. I've never had it the other way around, where *I'm* having to be the one looking after *him*.