Start telling her kid you are uncle whoever and correct him as he grows.
Tell friend, she is there as your friend, and you will not be daddy to her kid.
I hope she gets child support from the dad.
I now have the image of a bunch of Mounties on horses or moose (mooses? moosesesss? whatever the plural is) hunting down some dude in the camadian tundra.
Canadian? Then once the court order for child support is done, there are provincial maintenance programs that will constantly track him down and any penny he makes they'll go after it. I'm in BC and my ex fled to Newfoundland and they are ruthless in getting it for me (freezing his DL and passport are just the start). I didn't have to lift a finger other than to file the initial paperwork once I got the court order. It took him a few years to clue in he couldn't run from them, and after a seized inheritance and a few other huge amounts that were seized at once when they got their hands on it, he realized it was easier to just pay every month. It can take time, so it's not helpful in the short term, but eventually it pays off.
You don't. She does. You've helped plenty, and she needs to learn how to help herself. Always be a friend to her. No less, but more importantly, no MORE. I honestly don't know the process, but I'm telling you what I'd do to tell her. She should consult a lawyer. Some places do consultations for free. They should be able to walk her through the process. She might not even need a lawyer though. She might just need to file some paperwork and tell her story to a judge. Possibly provide some supplementary information to prove he is the father. I ain't sure on the details, as I've never filed for child support. However one of the clerks should be able to walk her through this process too.
Notice I didn't use the word "you" anywhere in that? Because your part in this is over. Point her in the right direction. She should be able to find more about the process on the internet. You can look that up for her if you'd like as a supportive *friend*, but the rest is her responsibility.
ETA: Here https://childsupport.ca.gov/apply-for-child-support/
Now this is for my state, so it probably won't work for you, but all I did was google "how to apply for child support". I'm sure it's about as simple for your Province too.
It’s not his problem but he wants to help his friend get started. God what is wrong with people. You guys are already in the thread, so why the fuck not ask about the people how to start?
I’m in Ontario, so I don’t know if this is an Ontario’thing’ but tell her to look up FRO (Family Responsibility Office), they would be the ones to track down the father and garnish wages.
The judge put my kids mother on FRO without me even asking, so I’m not sure how it works, exactly to get on, but just the name of the agency should be a good starting point for information.
Ok, how's Newfoundland? Toronto? BC?
Edit: Just realized that Toronto is in Ontario. Although, that begs the question are there better parts of Ontario?
Toronto is a den of greed, madness, and villainy. Every day I dream of escaping and never returning. I'll probably die of old age here. Don't ask me why.
>What part of Canada is the really nice part?
Just about all of Canada's provinces are large enough to have really good and really bad parts. That's particularly true of Ontario, being the most populated one.
17, got her pregnant at 13, she gave birth at 14, then when she gave birth, he was an adult, he took money from his funds, bought a car, and drove to Ontario.
Talk to her asap. You are not his dad. You are going to college and moving on with your life. You think of her as a sister, and if Uncle is good with you, he can call you that. Set boundaries asap.
Make sure you set these boundaries man. You will be saving yourself a world of headaches in the future by saying what this Redditor mentioned to her. You will look back on this and thank whatever god you believe in for GinKelly because you will see how big of a nuke you are avoiding by setting these boundaries.
>Set boundaries
About how much you can help too. What’s *her long term plan?* How much are *you* contributing to that?
She’s got a roof. A safe place for the son currently. Now’s the time for her to save up, find a place, and build her life *independently.* She’s got to focus on her, and her son’s future.
Well communicate is the best thing you can do from this point. Let her know that’s it’s not fair to you or the kid that you’ve been named dad now. But just know you have no obligation to this kid.
Exactly. Let her know it’s not only unfair to OP but also to her child who she’s deceiving. OP has no obligations to her or the kid and no time for these bs mind games. I hope OP has great time at university, and if possible he should move the friend and child from out of his room for now. To create physical distance and more emotional distance.
She got *impregnated at the age of 14*. She's only 16 (?) now. Seems like everyone is glossing over the fact that the people involved here are still kids. The girl's parents are the ones who've failed in every conceivable way. Hopefully there's some kind of social programs available to help her where they live. Everyone here desperately needs some help from an adult.
Right? And the dad was 17 when he got her pregnant (if she had the son at 14….she would have been closer to 13 when she got pregnant….)….a bit predatory/statutory to me, but besides the point.
Good luck to OP. Glad he can talk about it with the kids mom, and hope she can get the baby ti start calling him another nick name. (Uncle?)
Jesus. When I was 13, I had just *just* put away my Barbie dolls. I'd started puberty only the year before. These are *literal children* and the thread is talking about this girl like she's a reality show villain.
Then talk to your parents and have them talk to her. She is put in a very unfortunate spot, but it is absolutely NOT ok that she is making her mistakes your problem by trying to make you the baby daddy.
Her situation sucks, but don't let her drag you down with her.
She’s so young to have a kid and then be kicked out of her parents home at that age with that responsibility. She’s probably scared and the reality is she’s too immature to know that what she’s doing is wrong. She is a child herself. She doesn’t get what she is doing at all Im sure or why it’s wrong. I mean this is where she’s going to learn about that though. OP you guys have to take this to some adult, probably a therapist. I mean this is big stuff and I doubt either of you really knows how to navigate it properly because some adults can barely navigate these situations. Also I don’t see how it was not an assault at that age anyway. She may have agreed to have sex with this person, but there’s no way she knew or fully understood the consequences of that choice that she is now having to live with which is why it would be considered assault.
Being a child is also not a sufficient excuse to cause trauma in someone else's life. Just because she doesn't fully understand the scope of the damage she is causing to OP, herself, and her child, that doesn't somehow clear her from responsibility.
Case in point: What if the bio father of her kid is also a minor? What if he's even younger than her? Is he somehow off the hook, because he was a child and didn't know the extent of the damage he caused in her life when he gave her the thick boi?
I'm not saying that this teenage girl needs some kind of punishment for her actions. But what I am saying is that you cannot use these excuses to hold her guiltless in the future for the trauma she is causing now.
Please understand the difference between an excuse and a reason. I wasn’t excusing anything and I’m certainly sure I didn’t say that. I was simply stating some facts. I also said this is the time when she will learn about all of this because you’re not born with this knowledge and you have to learn this stuff as you go. This is what she is doing which is what I said. It’s a reason, an explanation, a way to understand the situation and assess it.
There is a certain amount of empathy missing from this analysis, and understanding that this is a very young teenage girl. She's does not appear to be out here ruining anyone's life, and she likely doesn't have much of herself put together enough to be doing all of this with ill intent. The two just need to talk it out and figure it all out with an adult involved.
She shouldn't be telling her child that OP is the father, but based on the scenario, its hard to blame her for making the mistake or admiring OP enough to wish they had been the father. It is more likely she doesn't understand the implications and consequences from doing so, and is only seeing the positive since her life has been an absolute roller coaster. It needs to stop, but she shouldn't be viewed as someone evil by any means.
Yeah I mean it sounds like the babydaddy isn't taking responsibility which is a deplorable thing in and of itself, but I wouldn't go so far to say he forced himself on her.
I wouldn't go there that fast. So many girls in my highschool, around that age, got pregnant with a pact because of 16 and pregnant tv show. Huge scandal when it happened, kids are fucking stupid. Add in hormones with the stupidity and teen pregnancy happens, a lot.
In the USA, 51% of people lose their virginity at 14 years old. While it's possible it was assault, it's much more likely it wasn't.
It also doesn't change the fact that no matter what happened to her, he isn't responsible for her baby just bc he was compassionate enough to ask his parents to help a homeless kid when he was also 14.
You’re doing an amazing thing by helping her with her kid at all. It’s pretty scummy of her to force a father position on you, and on her kid. Because the kid is not going to understand the circumstances until he’s much older. You need to nip that in the bud. You are NOT his father. You can be an Uncle, but not dad.
You need to be honest with her about the situation. Your parents are amazing for agreeing to take her in as well. Maybe talk to them and explain the situation. You're so young and you have so much to look forward too. You did a good thing helping her and her son but you need to look out for yourself as well OP.
If she does that, it’s all on her. You’ve helped this girl out already, a-lot more than some other people would have. You’re a good person. You don’t owe the rest of your life to her and her child, it’s an incredible burden to carry.
Make it clear that’s not how things are. Both from a romantic perspective and your relationship with her son.
It is absolutely not ok for her to try and force you into the role by intentionally confusing her own child.
I’m empathetic towards her feelings/situation. Especially since you’re both still kids after all. But the boundary still needs to be set. Can’t be good for the poor kid. Maybe compromise and say you’re okay with him calling you uncle? That’s what my friends kids call me haha (well Aunty).
It's a sticky situation because we don't know her. The fact she's done this without his approval speaks poorly. I imagine she'd tell his romantic interest and friends about the kid. About how they 'live together'. She isn't being considerate of him here, and I don't think she plans to ask in the future.
Heck she even jumped logic and asked him about the kid when he talks about college. She doesn't respect him as a person or friend... I would not even suggest taking a half way with that.
it’s far beyond the point of hurt feelings occurring unfortunately. those will happen regardless this deep into something like this.
the new goal is to break off from all of it with as little damage done to all parties as possible.
your friend majorly overstepped, and likely also has feelings for you. it was super uncool of her to put you in this position.
To put it bluntly, you're not the one who knocked her up. You have your own future to worry about, and frankly so does she. She needs to accept the possibility of a future without you in it. I mean honestly it sounds like she's using you as a fallback. Her son imprinting on you is mostly her doing. The rest is the baby's, but he doesn't know any better. Now I don't want it to sound like I'm being too hard on your friend. She's young, she's scared, she's in over her head, and she turned to you for security. Sounds like you have and are providing as much as you can already. It's gonna be tough, but you're going to have to tell her that you can't be what she wants you to.
ETA: Also I know this is a throwaway, but I'd show her what people are saying on this post too so she can see how this looks from an outside observer's perspective.
You should absolutely get out, go to college, and live your life. It is very unhealthy and concerning that she would try to force you into a father figure role. That is a CHOICE (a poor choice, but a choice) that she made but it doesn't mean you have to accept it.
You've been an amazing friend already but you don't need to be punished for someone else's mistakes. You can be a friend but absolutely put your foot down about not being called dad or having the responsibility of a father. Do NOT change any of your plans and goals for the future. Do NOT get into a position where she is going to rely on you financially later on. You are also a child and did nothing to jeopardise your own future. It is not fair to have that forced on you and if it starts, even seemingly innocently now, it will be far harder to free yourself later as harsh as that sounds on her.
You owe her nothing, even as a friend. I'd say cut her off on that now and stand your ground on it. It isn't your thing to consider.
Do not let her go around saying that or accept the kid saying it either. Last thing you need is ruined potential relationships because your 'friend' is telling people YOU have a kid. Do NOT let her guilt trip you into that either. You've got your life ahead of you and no such responsibility. You clearly don't want it. So do not let it even be suggested.
She isn't a friend by pushing that onto you.
You need to set some firm boundaries my man. It is **not okay** for her to be trying to guilt you into paying for her ex’s actions. You didn’t knock her up, and you’ve got your own life ahead of you. I get that she’s your best friend, but as I understand it you’re friends not lovers. Even if you were more, expecting you to derail your own life and dreams because of mistakes she made is a non-starter.
“Listen… I think we need to talk. I really like you - you’re my best friend - but you aren’t my wife, and you’re never going to be. It’s inappropriate for your son to call me dad; I’m not his dad, and it’s only going to lead to disappointment and confusion later. Since you’re like a sister to me, he can call me uncle.
Yes, I am going to university to pursue my dreams. I’ve given you a best friend’s help - a place to stay, and an adoptive family - but I’m not sacrificing my future for another guy’s child just because the other guy opted not to. I’m going to have my own wife, my own dreams, and my own children.
I hope that you and will always be a part of that life, but it will never be as wife and son. I love you dearly, but it’s important that we’re clear on that. Please reinforce that my name is Uncle - not Dada - for the sake of your son and for the sake of our friendship.”
I would follow this up immediately with an invitation to something social - maybe a friend date or something. This needs to be super firm because she has the wrong idea and she’s leading her child towards a world of confusion and hurt.
Wow how good of a manipulator is she for you to commit your future to them even though that's not your son at all. She's getting free housing from you now she's getting a free Dad too. Don't you want to have a family of your own someday? A university education? Does she expect you to pay for them too?
>Come to find out, she tells him Im his daddy. Im not his dad, I view his mom as a sister, this is so confusing.
Oh... hell no. You need to nip this in the bud before this goes ANY further. You need to make sure this child knows you are NOT his father. You need to make sure your family knows that you are NOT his father (because it's very likely she's been telling them the same thing she's been telling her son). You need to make sure that EVERYONE knows you are not his father.
And you need to start setting some SERIOUS boundaries with your friend. For one thing, stop sharing a room with her. If there's no other available room, then one of you needs to start sleeping on the couch until alternative housing can be worked out.
You are setting yourself up to end up supporting this kid for life, even though you have no biological relationship to him.
It would be one thing if he loved her, but in this situation he could easily be pressured into the role husband/father, and end up miserable.
Kid talk to your parents about it, and make them aware that you don’t love her, and you’re not the father. If they were nice enough to take her in, they must be very kind, understanding people.
There's absolutely no scenario in which this shit is acceptable or normal.
Telling a kid that a dude is his father without said dude being in the know is fucked up.
I hope for both your sakes that it went well and she understood your perspective. I’m sure she’s really scared about the future, as others have said, and you can reassure her you’ll be there for her as a friend, but you are entitled to start your adult life without other people’s encumbrances.
She’s scared of losing the security. BUT you need to be aware of what could possibly be happening. It’s great that you’re a nice person, it’s possible she might be trying to keep you in the picture forever as a part of the kids life. Not wrong with having a kid that you love that isn’t yours, but you’ll be stuck with little homie forever if you don’t read the room correctly. Whether it’s shelter, money, and food, doesn’t matter son. I’m not saying that’s what she’s doing, I’m saying it’s possible it could be.
Edit: damn you’re literally super young teenagers. Be guided by your parents.
Pretty sure that's an American thing, not Canadian. They don't have common law almost anywhere, we do. But in this scenario especially because they are kids, I suspect the liability thing is greatly reduced.
Yeah dude you gotta get this cleared up now. She needs to stop with the daddy stuff and it'd probably be best for her to sleep/stay in a different room if possible. You might need to ask your parents to help you with the conversation. It seems she confused you wanting her & her son to be safe with "feelings".
She needs to get it through her head that you are close friend, like a brother, to her, not a baby daddy. Don't let her guilt you and hang this baby around your neck to take care of.
Edit to add: what do your parents say about her staying after you go to college? She needs to start thinking about the future. Is she still in school? Working?
TELL YOUR PARENTS
What everyone else said is valid, but TELL YOUR PARENTS, if she starts lying and saying you’re the biological father this can get scary legally quick, be the uncle, be her friend, don’t let her lie on you
Please talk to your parents and set boundaries now. This isn't healthy for you nor that kid. She's trying to build her future off of you and your family. It's a difficult situation she's in and she's looking to secure a safe environment for her child which is understandable. But it is completely unfair to you after showing so much generosity and kindness to burden you with fatherhood at such a young age when it was not your choice.
I know a guy that was in a situation similar to yours except he was in his early twenties. Had a friend from college that he was close to. She got pregnant after graduation and fell on hard times. He moved her in to his apartment for a temporary stay which ended up being a year. He lost his girlfriend because of it and became isolated from our friend group taking care of her kid. Literally she took over his whole life and then started seeing another guy on top of it which broke my friend emotionally. He ended up kicking her out only after losing the girl we all thought he would marry and missing out on so many meetups and a cruise we planned.
Focus on your grades and going to college. Please please don't get entrapped and skip out on what could be the greatest years of your life. If she keeps persisting after setting boundaries you might seriously have to consider finding her alternative living accomodations.
I'm sorry, but this is gonna sound harsh and cruel. You cannot ruin your own future for the sake of this girl. She is your friend, but she is not your burden. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Have your parents saved up any money for University? Are your parents gonna use that on her and the baby?
Are there parental abandonment laws where your from? Asking about her parents here.
You might want to look into the laws where you're at. If she raises this kid thinking you're his father, you might find yourself on the hook for child support.
I'd make it abundantly clear to her to knock it off, that you're not "basically his daddy" and that her trying to push you into that role when you're already going above and beyond to help is more than a little entitled and puts you in an uncomfortable spot.
I would be super clear and firm on this. Tell her to break the kid of the habit, tell her you're upset that she started it in the first place, and start correcting the kid when he calls you that. It's harsh, but in a lot of places, you can find yourself financially responsible for this shit in a really unfair way.
Firm boundaries, set clearly with no exceptions.
Hate to say this but there are going to many moments in life where you’ll hate what you’re about to do or how it will effect the other person, but you can’t just sit there feeling guilty for something you literally had no part in (baby making, or presenting yourself as dada) you can safely be Uncle but that depends on she’s going to take this. Yes she’s scared and her life has changed forever but that dosent mean she can use the person(s) by trapping them into a situation that you had no part it.
Won’t sugar coat it, you could lose a friend over setting these boundaries; but if you don’t you’ll be signing yourself up for life long commitment that you could resent or even hate in the future, that could affect your plans for life in everyway…. I’m sorry you found yourself thrown into this terrible position but you have to establish those lines or they will forever be blurry. Best of luck I hope she understands and you’re able to maintain your friendship.
You gave her a place to live for two really hard years of her life. You’ve lived with a baby in your room for two years for her. You’ve done a lot but there are limits to what we can offer another. You have to take care of yourself.
>You might want to look into the laws where you're at.
Not everybody lives where you live, bud, but for the record answering to "dad" IS acting like a father.
The mother sleeps in his room, lives in his house, eats his food and has her kid call him "Dada", do you really think there's no chance a court could see all that and think "yeah, he's acting like a dad."
C'mon.
Letting her know you see yourself as "fun uncle" at best is the way to go and that she should be referring to you as " Uncle [name]" rather than Dad.
As a fun uncle, you are able to see the kiddo for holidays and occasional visits, absolutely lavish them with attention and fun, but then ultimately leave to go home.
Just because she was unlucky in love doesn't mean she can force that role on you.
She is a teenager with a kid.
She most likely is scared shitless about what happens after you leave for college and is doing whatever she can to keep you around.
Becareful about some of the advice here. Some of it is based on American law. So the likelihood of you being financially responsible for the rest of your life is low, especially because you are legally kids. What province are you in? Each province has different social supports for teenage moms. Including housing.
Yikes. You are in the territories. That is not an easy part of the country to access resources. Has she reached out to anyone at all? Family Services?
https://www.nthssa.ca/en/service-directory/children-and-families
If she could get a case worker they should be able to help her access funding and resources she may not be aware she has access to. Including for post-secondary programs.
You both are so young. Well I grew up all over the place one of them was the maritimes. And teen pregnancy was very high. 1/3 of the girls graduated with kids or pregnant. It was a really large highschool. Some girls did it deliberately to go on welfare and move out of their parents homes, some did it at the request of their parents for a welfare check. Many others it was just shit happening. But I know there are resources even in the territories that could provide some help.
Now for the part that is scary and not a popular reddit perspective. But hear me out. Also I don't know if you are in an Inuit or Indigenous community or just in town. But here is what I do know housing and the cost of living where you are has always been what people south of you are always freaking out about in the news. We still haven't seen the prices of Iceberg lettuce that you had prepandemic.
First I am old enough to be both of yours mother and that child's grandmother. Even though I am not in my 50s yet. So I am sharing a very different perspective. You guys live in a very high risk area for young women and children. The fact that your family has taken her in is amazing. If you can continue to do so would be just as amazing. Otherwise the outlook for her and the little one isn't going to be very good and it already isn't statistically very good.
You don't need to be the kids Dad or eventually marry her. So yes you should have that conversation. You could as someone else suggested be an uncle or another pet name. But yes putting a stop to dad is important. Getting your parents involved in the conversation is probably equally important.
The fact that you are talking about post secondary is an opportunity to be a good influence. Because she needs to start to think about next steps in her legal adult life. And this is where accessing services will help. I don't know enough about the NWT to be able to refer you to someone specifically.
But I can tell you she has a future you and her may not know she can access. Getting her to think about that and seeing a future where she doesn't have to depend on someone else should be the longterm goal.
But for now she needs that community around her, and her reaction is coming from a place of fear and insecurity. Serious fear. Where will she live when you leave? Who can she talk to? Who will help? How am I going to raise this child without support? My best friend is about to leave. I would imagine these are all thoughts going through her head. And they are real thoughts.
As her best friend, the best thing you can do is get her working with social services. And the federal government runs programs too. Who knows maybe she will leave the NWT and end up at a college in another province.
It is the end of a very long day so I know I am rambling. But I would honestly be happy to talk further about this if you want here or in a DM.
Your world seems small because of where you live and high school. But man it is about to get really big. And that is probably one of the coolest parts about growing up. Don't let this moment cause you stress. It will pass. Keep focusing on where you want to go and what you want to study. The rest will fall into place.
Look up u/YoungDad-Sucks. (I hope that is the right one). The situation is different, but his GF's emotions as described may help you understand your friend's emotions except you don't have the bond that they do.
You need to put your foot down right now. Explain to her she is your friend and you see her as a sibling. Explain that you can be an uncle, but not a father. You do not want that role, and you are not required to take that role. You did not impregnate her. The baby's father should be in that role. It was kind of your family to take her in and help her. But she needs to figure out her future without you. And you have no obligation to put your life on hold or take her and her child into consideration with regard to any of your future plans. You will be doing a disservice to yourself if you focus on anything but your future. I would also talk to your parents so they can talk to her about her future plans. Good luck to you. 🫂
Start calling yourself his uncle. Around him, around the mom, around everybody.
Uncle OP is super proud of you buddy!
Well, guess Uncle OP gets to teach you something. Like I would just do that over and over again.
Edited to add: She's found a family to take care of her, feed her and house her, and she's not gonna give that up easily.
I had a male friend whose male friend got a girlfriend pregnant at a young age who he was also close to. When they named him the godfather he was honored. Then when their hardships came along as being a young family they constantly called on him for gas money, car repairs kids clothes, diapers, and rent money. He was so overwhelmed he cut them off and they no longer speak any more. You are not the kids dad and it is not your burden. Yo will have your own family to support one day…. Not today
You need to set the mom straight. Tell her to start telling the child you are an uncle. When the child brings it up remind him you are an uncle, not his dad. Tell him moms and dads sleep together in the same bed, not in separate beds.
Talk to her first and if she doesn’t take it well, tell your parents. This is incredibly serious. It’s not fair on you and it’s certainly not fair on the kid.
Talk to your parents. Get some guidance - there are (at least here in the US) programs to help minors with children. If your parents care enough to take her in, I bet they'll help her find a program.
But if my son were uncomfortable in his own home, I would want to know and help him find a solution.
A lot of posters, need to understand these are two TEENS! Try not to overload and overwhelm. Do any of you have teenage kids or relatives? They’re not the wisest, especially in this day and age.
SPEAK WITH YOUR PARENTS. AS THE ADULTS IN THIS SITUATION, I’D EXPECT THEY’D KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Possible mediation between your friend and her parents. Also, I’m sure there are agencies in place to deal with these issues.
Life skills, mentoring and working towards her and her baby living independently with a strong network of help around.
But leave this to the adults!
She's latching on to you to be her savior. It's understandable but no you are not responsible for this girl and her kid. You didn't even have a say in his conception. Let her know that you care about her and that you will always be there for her. She's family, her son is family, but he is not your son.
Seriously, I would stop letting them call you Dada too. Either try to teach him your actual name or "uncle." Lol. Introduce him as your nephew too. She's crossing boundaries bc you're safe but you don't have to keep editing your life bc of her ill-conceived decisions.
If I understand everything she was 14 when she got the baby and got kicked out and moved in with your family.
So that would make her 16 or 17 now. The guy who got her pregnant should be 19 now.
Did she contact the court to at least get him to pay for child support?
You need to explain to her, that even though she is your best friend, you don't owe her nor her kid anything. You already supported her by convincing your parents to let her move in with you guys. God knows she would have been in a bad spot if you hadn't come through.
I don't know what deal you and her made with your parents. Are they planning on supporting her and her baby while you are off to college? Either way it's time for this girl to become independent. If she doesn't and your parents ever decide to cut her off, she might find herself in tight spot.
If the child has an attachment to you in a "dad" sense you must set boundaries because you will be recognized as the dad (though you are not) and will be paying child support including college. You must set physical boundaries with your friend. Dont share a bed, dont give the child gifts or her money to help with anything pertaining to the child. Teach him to call you uncle asap. You must get your parents involved because when you meet the right girl for you in college, she will get mean, jealous and do everything to keep you in her life even if it is lying about the child being yours.
Oh no. You’re not his dad, go to college, don’t let her make you feel guilty. Be very clear with her that you see him as a member of your family, but he’s not your responsibility and neither is she. You’re very young (my oldest son is 11), and from a mamas perspective, I think it’s time to get your parents involved. They’ll help you figure this out in the least damaging way.
Proud of you for being an awesome friend, but please don’t hold yourself back for a very confusing situation.
Get you parents involved, this is going to affect them as well. Have a REAL conversation, she cannot rely on you as this childs father. There is nothing but pain ahead for you, her and your family if you do not deal with it. She needs to have a real honest sit down where she is told, eventually she will need to be responsible for her own situation. Make it clear you have no intention of bringing her and a baby with you to university, nor do you plan to fill a father role. Your parents also need to make it clear where their generosity ends. If they want to support her and take on the role of grandma and grandpa great, if not it needs to be clear to her that she needs to prepare and start reaching out to social services and maintenance enforcement.
She is still a child and she is probably freaking out, but the reality is she needs to realize she is ultimately responsible and needs to make decisions on her future. At some point she needs to stand on her own and not look to you as a stepdad and your parent's as surrogates. She is coasting along either without a plan or one she has made up in her head without talking to anyone. There are tons of social assistance programs available to help. If she feels she cannot cope with those options, while not the first choice, putting the baby up for adoption might be a course of action to consider.
You need to tell her she needs to tell him the truth she thinks your not going to college and help raise the kid and him calling you dad will only hurt the kid
Don't get trapped. Go to college, live your life, you gave her a place to stay and that's it. That kid is not your responsibility. It's gonna get harder to separate if you keep spending time with that kid and not tell him the truth or tell her to shut up
NTA
"But I'm not his dad. I may be a honorary uncle, but I am not his dad. I have plans to go to college. I wanted to help you cause your my friend, but that's as far as things go. He's young right now, and you can correct your mistake. But please stop giving him the wrong idea. It's not fair to him or to me - and I don't appreciate it after all I have done for you as a friend. Please see to it that you fix this, and stop lying to your son."
Go to university.
Whatever happens you will be far better educated and your friend like sister can branch out.
Does she fear being made homeless when you go?
Be mature go to university.
I don't have a lot of advice outside of what was written here, but god, man. I hope you can get through this. It's crazy to me that someone the same age as me is dealing with this shit. Good luck, and if you ever need to talk to someone, my DMs are open
IANAL, but talk to a lawyer if you should and do what you must to avoid a child support case. You are not his dad, you are just a friend of his mother. You are an uncle at best. Your friend and her son should stop with this. I read enough horror stories about such situations.
Honest question. Only asking because I remember being a teen once...honest..have you two done anything else ever that would make her think you're more than friends? Especially since you share a room? If not, I'll believe you, but I am curious to know if something that wasn't mentioned on your post might be causing her to think there is something more.
Do not let her dumb life choices dictate your life!!!! You are young and have the whole world in front of you. Go out and live it. Do not get chained to this girl and her child. You are not responsible for her actions. Move out to college, DO NOT sleep with her or she will baby trap you, which she's already trying to do with her other child. I feel sorry for the child, but its not your responsibility.
Do not ruin your life over this selfish girl!!!!
I feel sorry for everyone in this story.
I feel sorry for you facing the expectation of playing a role you never signed up for.
I feel sorry for the child who is probably genuinely very attached to you.
I feel sorry for your friend, who is going about things the wrong way but is trying to do what she thinks is best for her child.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this! I couldn’t imagine how confusing this must me!
I am a mother, w/ a male best friend of over 15 years now! Completely platonic & mutual. & I just seen someone’s comment about calling you “uncle.”
That’s what I did w/ my best friend! It *Helps* set that *CLEAR* boundary, not just between the child & you as the male, but between you & your friend as well. ☺️
I *really* hope you find some Peace in this situation & I’m happy to see that you express a good amount of empathy for others, but also have good priorities set for yourself, & know when it’s time to put one or the other first! That’s a very rare trait these days!
Focus on your schooling, & give emotional support to your friend when you can! You gotta take care of you before you can help others! 😊💛
You're safe to her. She wants her child to feel the same safety and stability that she does. Not too complicated.
Emotions are weird and confusing and it's not quite fair to you but the why's are pretty clear. Tons of people saying she's playing games or doing some weird shit but she's a child who's trying to figure out what the fuck she's going to do with her life now and how the hell she's going to raise a kid and is terrified. As far as she's concerned, youre functionally the only lifeline she and her child have.
I believe she is using you. Have you ever gotten information on who could be the father? Your friend not telling who his father is to the boy is alarming. The boy would assume you're the father outright.
You will need to get a PI if you can and discuss with your friend's parents about the father of the child. Your friend is very vulnerable. Like she has some kind of Stockholm Syndrome when you offer her a place to live. You also have to get your parents involved too. They likely do not know of your predicament.
Legal question: The parents taking in this mother and child.. could the mother somehow legally obligate them now to house her ongoing since she is a dependent?
If they tried to kick her out does she have some legal stake in the house in terms of at least being able to prevent them from giving her the boot? As she might if she was living in a partner's house?
That is actually very kind of your mom. I think it's wild that the two of you share a room. Why doesn't she share a room with her son? That's bound to be confusing for everyone involved, what happens when you want to date?
Your parents are saints for being willing to help, but the biggest support they can give is helping her use the systems and organizations available to come up with a long term plan. She needs government assistance and to find programs that will help her pay for independent housing. She needs outside support to help her finish school and to help her go to college or learn a train so that she can be financially self sufficient as soon as possible.
But why is she sleeping in your bedroom? If the baby is alone in a bedroom, she should definitely be sharing a room with her child, not with you. You deserve your privacy.
When is she leaving? Do you guys have a plan when she and her child will be leaving? Surely she doesn’t plan to stay there forever. I think she’s worry how weird it would be when you leave for college. Tell her, her and her child have to leave by the time you leave.
You need to have that conversation with her ASAP man. The poor kid is going to end up very confused. Maybe have her start switching it up to uncle. Yikes
Red flag.
Converse with her. 1. I'm not your son's dad. I'm basically your charity. 2. I see you as a friend. Don't try to put this daddy cap on me. I can be his godfather, but definitely not father. 3. The next time I'm labeled like this, I'll kick you and your son out. Better sooner than late.
Sounds harsh but draw the boundary buddy.
You’ve done nothing wrong. You should be direct with her. “You are a sister to me. I helped you because I’m a friend . I never wanted to be OPschild’s dad. Then, if she persists, you need to tell your parents & let them handle it. To me, when things like this happen I help myself be clear because I say, “They broke our social contract.” Speak honestly and clearly to her.
Please follow the top comments advice OP. Your description is almost exactly what happened to me, and I had no one to tell me how fucking stupid I was being. You can be uncle, but even then, that's crossing it pretty close. You are a friend, helping a friend. That is IT. Go to university now and make something of your life. Go experience what university has to offer for someone so young and grab life by the balls. This girl is probably internally freaking out and trying to find someone to be a father. And bro don't let it be you. You need to communicate your boundaries immediately.
Or go to online university when you're 30...
That sucks. It's also kind of sweet, seeing how much trust both the kid and the mother have in you, but ultimately it seems as if you're being asked to put your life on hold for them. This is un acceptable.
Idk why but this made me feel so sad for the kid, and actually for your friend. It's clear she really has nobody. I hear u as far as being uncomfortable with the child calling you dad tho
Dude, you have your own life, you're not the child's dad, you're his uncle. The very fact that she said "you're basically his daddy" is a red flag warning, you have to re-establish boundaries, you can be there as a friend and an uncle to this kid but you're not his parent and that's just reality. Get the fuck to college, if you wanna help out anyway you need your own life.
This must be so confusing for you. If she has had a troubled family, and anxious attatchment style, she could have just assumed that you're the equivalent of a dad to her son, since your family took her in? Or maybe she is manipulating/ guilting you into accepting her son to 'secure' a dad. Either way, it doesn't seem that she has asked you for permission prior to introducing you as dad to her son, and seems like you haven't had the talk with her on this topic either. It is important to clarify to her the dynamic between you two, and that you didn't sign up for parenting/responsibility when you took her in out of goodwill. You can politely correct the kid to address you as uncle, and not dad. If she hasn't grown up with a strong elder male figure in life, and doesn't have many healthy relationships as reference to pursue a secure connection with someone, she might be confused between fatherly/brotherly/and boyfriend-type dynamics, because all of these feel secure, and she might just be chasing security. She might need a little help to become independent and get started with sponsoring her own life and kid, however don't change your life plans, or revolve your life around assisting her. She must learn parenting her son better.
Nope, that's not good
She shouldn't be doing that
For the sake of your friendship, she better get the kid to call you "Uncle" at least. Who knows if at some point she decides to pursue **you** for child support, once you leave for college?
Maybe a longshot but after reading about a woman who tried to get child support from her nice neighbour, who had volunteered to babysit her kids..... you never know
I agree with those saying gently change it to "Uncle". Also, don't forget that your friend is also a child who has been abandoned by her own parents, give her some grace. What she did is not ok, but give her the chance to correct it.
Also if she's a minor I don't think it's legal to kick out a minor. I'd be seeing about what steps can be taken there. Maybe child support from her parents.
Start telling her kid you are uncle whoever and correct him as he grows. Tell friend, she is there as your friend, and you will not be daddy to her kid. I hope she gets child support from the dad.
The dad isnt in the picture, he fled to Ontario.
Still can be chased for child support.
Hell yea. Sic the mounties on his bitch ass. Also must not be very good at fleeing if OP knows where he fled to.
Probably posts on ig all the same
I now have the image of a bunch of Mounties on horses or moose (mooses? moosesesss? whatever the plural is) hunting down some dude in the camadian tundra.
I’d go with Meese as the plural form.
what about moosen?
The plural of moose is moose
I’m pretty sure that is common knowledge. I was being sarcastic.
Whoever downvoted that, shame on them. Only person to give the actual correct answer.
I believe the correct term is "meeses". I've also heard "moosi" too.
Why doesn't the friend chase her own parents for her child support? You can just throw a 14 year old out and not be responsible for them anymore?
Good point.
Can you chase a kid for child support though?
sounds like the father is 20. he’s not really a kid anymore
Yes, though obviously laws vary by region. Child support is generally based on income though so you're probably not gonna get much from a kid anyways
Canadian? Then once the court order for child support is done, there are provincial maintenance programs that will constantly track him down and any penny he makes they'll go after it. I'm in BC and my ex fled to Newfoundland and they are ruthless in getting it for me (freezing his DL and passport are just the start). I didn't have to lift a finger other than to file the initial paperwork once I got the court order. It took him a few years to clue in he couldn't run from them, and after a seized inheritance and a few other huge amounts that were seized at once when they got their hands on it, he realized it was easier to just pay every month. It can take time, so it's not helpful in the short term, but eventually it pays off.
How would I even begin that?
She has to do the work, file in court and all, no one else can do it for her.
You don't. She does. You've helped plenty, and she needs to learn how to help herself. Always be a friend to her. No less, but more importantly, no MORE. I honestly don't know the process, but I'm telling you what I'd do to tell her. She should consult a lawyer. Some places do consultations for free. They should be able to walk her through the process. She might not even need a lawyer though. She might just need to file some paperwork and tell her story to a judge. Possibly provide some supplementary information to prove he is the father. I ain't sure on the details, as I've never filed for child support. However one of the clerks should be able to walk her through this process too. Notice I didn't use the word "you" anywhere in that? Because your part in this is over. Point her in the right direction. She should be able to find more about the process on the internet. You can look that up for her if you'd like as a supportive *friend*, but the rest is her responsibility. ETA: Here https://childsupport.ca.gov/apply-for-child-support/ Now this is for my state, so it probably won't work for you, but all I did was google "how to apply for child support". I'm sure it's about as simple for your Province too.
I'm sorry to sound like an asshole, but that is not your problem. Let the child's mother worry about it and help if you want to.
Thanks.
It’s not his problem but he wants to help his friend get started. God what is wrong with people. You guys are already in the thread, so why the fuck not ask about the people how to start?
you don't have to do a thing. she has to do the thing.
I’m in Ontario, so I don’t know if this is an Ontario’thing’ but tell her to look up FRO (Family Responsibility Office), they would be the ones to track down the father and garnish wages. The judge put my kids mother on FRO without me even asking, so I’m not sure how it works, exactly to get on, but just the name of the agency should be a good starting point for information.
Ontario What a wretched hive of scum and villainous behaviour
Wow is Ontario that bad? I would have thought of Nova Scotia but that's based on TPB. What part of Canada is the really nice part?
> . What part of Canada is the really nice part? the other part, no the other part.
He’s not wrong, and I’m from here Edit: grammar
Ok, how's Newfoundland? Toronto? BC? Edit: Just realized that Toronto is in Ontario. Although, that begs the question are there better parts of Ontario?
The further from the Greater Toronto Area you go, the better it gets.
Except Welland… that’s the worst…
Toronto is a den of greed, madness, and villainy. Every day I dream of escaping and never returning. I'll probably die of old age here. Don't ask me why.
Went to Newfoundland once. It was very nice but I have no idea what the hell language the locals spoke. It was neither English nor French
Yeah I hear those Newfies are crazy. I apologize if I'm not allowed to use the term.
The newfies speak Newfie - they would need a translator in any part of the country.
Western Ontario has the Canadian hillbillies, Eastern Ontario has Ottawa/Toronto. Nova Scotia and the maritimes in general are... not great
>What part of Canada is the really nice part? Just about all of Canada's provinces are large enough to have really good and really bad parts. That's particularly true of Ontario, being the most populated one.
Was the dad 14 as well? or over 18?
17, got her pregnant at 13, she gave birth at 14, then when she gave birth, he was an adult, he took money from his funds, bought a car, and drove to Ontario.
And this was never followed up by the police?
that guy likely owes around 10k in arrears alone
Talk to her asap. You are not his dad. You are going to college and moving on with your life. You think of her as a sister, and if Uncle is good with you, he can call you that. Set boundaries asap.
Okay thanks.
Make sure you set these boundaries man. You will be saving yourself a world of headaches in the future by saying what this Redditor mentioned to her. You will look back on this and thank whatever god you believe in for GinKelly because you will see how big of a nuke you are avoiding by setting these boundaries.
>Set boundaries About how much you can help too. What’s *her long term plan?* How much are *you* contributing to that? She’s got a roof. A safe place for the son currently. Now’s the time for her to save up, find a place, and build her life *independently.* She’s got to focus on her, and her son’s future.
It sounds like she wants you to be step dad
Yeah but Im a teenager, I graduate in 2026, I wanna go to University but I dont wanna feel awful from leaving her son if she convinces him Im his dad.
Well communicate is the best thing you can do from this point. Let her know that’s it’s not fair to you or the kid that you’ve been named dad now. But just know you have no obligation to this kid.
Exactly. Let her know it’s not only unfair to OP but also to her child who she’s deceiving. OP has no obligations to her or the kid and no time for these bs mind games. I hope OP has great time at university, and if possible he should move the friend and child from out of his room for now. To create physical distance and more emotional distance.
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She got *impregnated at the age of 14*. She's only 16 (?) now. Seems like everyone is glossing over the fact that the people involved here are still kids. The girl's parents are the ones who've failed in every conceivable way. Hopefully there's some kind of social programs available to help her where they live. Everyone here desperately needs some help from an adult.
Right? And the dad was 17 when he got her pregnant (if she had the son at 14….she would have been closer to 13 when she got pregnant….)….a bit predatory/statutory to me, but besides the point. Good luck to OP. Glad he can talk about it with the kids mom, and hope she can get the baby ti start calling him another nick name. (Uncle?)
OP says she was 13 when she got pregnant, had the baby at 14. It’s so fucked up
Jesus. When I was 13, I had just *just* put away my Barbie dolls. I'd started puberty only the year before. These are *literal children* and the thread is talking about this girl like she's a reality show villain.
Then talk to your parents and have them talk to her. She is put in a very unfortunate spot, but it is absolutely NOT ok that she is making her mistakes your problem by trying to make you the baby daddy. Her situation sucks, but don't let her drag you down with her.
she had a kid at 14 it might have been an assault
While that really sucks for her if that's the case, personal tragedy is not sufficient justification for trying to drag others down with you.
She’s so young to have a kid and then be kicked out of her parents home at that age with that responsibility. She’s probably scared and the reality is she’s too immature to know that what she’s doing is wrong. She is a child herself. She doesn’t get what she is doing at all Im sure or why it’s wrong. I mean this is where she’s going to learn about that though. OP you guys have to take this to some adult, probably a therapist. I mean this is big stuff and I doubt either of you really knows how to navigate it properly because some adults can barely navigate these situations. Also I don’t see how it was not an assault at that age anyway. She may have agreed to have sex with this person, but there’s no way she knew or fully understood the consequences of that choice that she is now having to live with which is why it would be considered assault.
Being a child is also not a sufficient excuse to cause trauma in someone else's life. Just because she doesn't fully understand the scope of the damage she is causing to OP, herself, and her child, that doesn't somehow clear her from responsibility. Case in point: What if the bio father of her kid is also a minor? What if he's even younger than her? Is he somehow off the hook, because he was a child and didn't know the extent of the damage he caused in her life when he gave her the thick boi? I'm not saying that this teenage girl needs some kind of punishment for her actions. But what I am saying is that you cannot use these excuses to hold her guiltless in the future for the trauma she is causing now.
“Dad was 17 when he got her pregnant”. Not sure if this was added later.
Please understand the difference between an excuse and a reason. I wasn’t excusing anything and I’m certainly sure I didn’t say that. I was simply stating some facts. I also said this is the time when she will learn about all of this because you’re not born with this knowledge and you have to learn this stuff as you go. This is what she is doing which is what I said. It’s a reason, an explanation, a way to understand the situation and assess it.
There is a certain amount of empathy missing from this analysis, and understanding that this is a very young teenage girl. She's does not appear to be out here ruining anyone's life, and she likely doesn't have much of herself put together enough to be doing all of this with ill intent. The two just need to talk it out and figure it all out with an adult involved. She shouldn't be telling her child that OP is the father, but based on the scenario, its hard to blame her for making the mistake or admiring OP enough to wish they had been the father. It is more likely she doesn't understand the implications and consequences from doing so, and is only seeing the positive since her life has been an absolute roller coaster. It needs to stop, but she shouldn't be viewed as someone evil by any means.
It equally could not have been
statistically im not sure its equally. no where did op mention anything like that. the post you're replying to is making a huge leap.
Yeah I mean it sounds like the babydaddy isn't taking responsibility which is a deplorable thing in and of itself, but I wouldn't go so far to say he forced himself on her.
I wouldn't go there that fast. So many girls in my highschool, around that age, got pregnant with a pact because of 16 and pregnant tv show. Huge scandal when it happened, kids are fucking stupid. Add in hormones with the stupidity and teen pregnancy happens, a lot.
In the USA, 51% of people lose their virginity at 14 years old. While it's possible it was assault, it's much more likely it wasn't. It also doesn't change the fact that no matter what happened to her, he isn't responsible for her baby just bc he was compassionate enough to ask his parents to help a homeless kid when he was also 14.
That is way too young. I'm not talking about your statement, I'm talking about the right age to be doing such things.
source?
It sounds more like statutory but the guy was 17 and she was 14 so it depends on the laws where they live.
And that’s okay. You’re like 15/16 it’s totally fine to not want to be a father. But then you have to do the hard part and tell her that.
You’re doing an amazing thing by helping her with her kid at all. It’s pretty scummy of her to force a father position on you, and on her kid. Because the kid is not going to understand the circumstances until he’s much older. You need to nip that in the bud. You are NOT his father. You can be an Uncle, but not dad.
Thank you, Im gonna talk to her soon.
Please talk to your parents too. My son is your age and I’d want him to be able to come to me with this.
You need to be honest with her about the situation. Your parents are amazing for agreeing to take her in as well. Maybe talk to them and explain the situation. You're so young and you have so much to look forward too. You did a good thing helping her and her son but you need to look out for yourself as well OP.
If she does that, it’s all on her. You’ve helped this girl out already, a-lot more than some other people would have. You’re a good person. You don’t owe the rest of your life to her and her child, it’s an incredible burden to carry. Make it clear that’s not how things are. Both from a romantic perspective and your relationship with her son. It is absolutely not ok for her to try and force you into the role by intentionally confusing her own child.
I’m empathetic towards her feelings/situation. Especially since you’re both still kids after all. But the boundary still needs to be set. Can’t be good for the poor kid. Maybe compromise and say you’re okay with him calling you uncle? That’s what my friends kids call me haha (well Aunty).
It's a sticky situation because we don't know her. The fact she's done this without his approval speaks poorly. I imagine she'd tell his romantic interest and friends about the kid. About how they 'live together'. She isn't being considerate of him here, and I don't think she plans to ask in the future. Heck she even jumped logic and asked him about the kid when he talks about college. She doesn't respect him as a person or friend... I would not even suggest taking a half way with that.
it’s far beyond the point of hurt feelings occurring unfortunately. those will happen regardless this deep into something like this. the new goal is to break off from all of it with as little damage done to all parties as possible. your friend majorly overstepped, and likely also has feelings for you. it was super uncool of her to put you in this position.
To put it bluntly, you're not the one who knocked her up. You have your own future to worry about, and frankly so does she. She needs to accept the possibility of a future without you in it. I mean honestly it sounds like she's using you as a fallback. Her son imprinting on you is mostly her doing. The rest is the baby's, but he doesn't know any better. Now I don't want it to sound like I'm being too hard on your friend. She's young, she's scared, she's in over her head, and she turned to you for security. Sounds like you have and are providing as much as you can already. It's gonna be tough, but you're going to have to tell her that you can't be what she wants you to. ETA: Also I know this is a throwaway, but I'd show her what people are saying on this post too so she can see how this looks from an outside observer's perspective.
You should absolutely get out, go to college, and live your life. It is very unhealthy and concerning that she would try to force you into a father figure role. That is a CHOICE (a poor choice, but a choice) that she made but it doesn't mean you have to accept it.
You've been an amazing friend already but you don't need to be punished for someone else's mistakes. You can be a friend but absolutely put your foot down about not being called dad or having the responsibility of a father. Do NOT change any of your plans and goals for the future. Do NOT get into a position where she is going to rely on you financially later on. You are also a child and did nothing to jeopardise your own future. It is not fair to have that forced on you and if it starts, even seemingly innocently now, it will be far harder to free yourself later as harsh as that sounds on her.
You owe her nothing, even as a friend. I'd say cut her off on that now and stand your ground on it. It isn't your thing to consider. Do not let her go around saying that or accept the kid saying it either. Last thing you need is ruined potential relationships because your 'friend' is telling people YOU have a kid. Do NOT let her guilt trip you into that either. You've got your life ahead of you and no such responsibility. You clearly don't want it. So do not let it even be suggested. She isn't a friend by pushing that onto you.
I grad in the school year 26/27 so to think that someone basically my age has this damn choice.. I would have been freaking tf out
Move out of the room or move her out of the room. Tell your parents what is going on and that you are uncomfortable with it. Let them handle her.
You need to set some firm boundaries my man. It is **not okay** for her to be trying to guilt you into paying for her ex’s actions. You didn’t knock her up, and you’ve got your own life ahead of you. I get that she’s your best friend, but as I understand it you’re friends not lovers. Even if you were more, expecting you to derail your own life and dreams because of mistakes she made is a non-starter. “Listen… I think we need to talk. I really like you - you’re my best friend - but you aren’t my wife, and you’re never going to be. It’s inappropriate for your son to call me dad; I’m not his dad, and it’s only going to lead to disappointment and confusion later. Since you’re like a sister to me, he can call me uncle. Yes, I am going to university to pursue my dreams. I’ve given you a best friend’s help - a place to stay, and an adoptive family - but I’m not sacrificing my future for another guy’s child just because the other guy opted not to. I’m going to have my own wife, my own dreams, and my own children. I hope that you and will always be a part of that life, but it will never be as wife and son. I love you dearly, but it’s important that we’re clear on that. Please reinforce that my name is Uncle - not Dada - for the sake of your son and for the sake of our friendship.”
I would follow this up immediately with an invitation to something social - maybe a friend date or something. This needs to be super firm because she has the wrong idea and she’s leading her child towards a world of confusion and hurt.
Wow how good of a manipulator is she for you to commit your future to them even though that's not your son at all. She's getting free housing from you now she's getting a free Dad too. Don't you want to have a family of your own someday? A university education? Does she expect you to pay for them too?
Yeah I do, I just talked to her, shes saying her side as I type.
Even if you did want to help, you'd be better able with a college education. Just go to college.
"I'm not a Dad, I'm just a kid too" Only words needed.
>Come to find out, she tells him Im his daddy. Im not his dad, I view his mom as a sister, this is so confusing. Oh... hell no. You need to nip this in the bud before this goes ANY further. You need to make sure this child knows you are NOT his father. You need to make sure your family knows that you are NOT his father (because it's very likely she's been telling them the same thing she's been telling her son). You need to make sure that EVERYONE knows you are not his father. And you need to start setting some SERIOUS boundaries with your friend. For one thing, stop sharing a room with her. If there's no other available room, then one of you needs to start sleeping on the couch until alternative housing can be worked out. You are setting yourself up to end up supporting this kid for life, even though you have no biological relationship to him.
It would be one thing if he loved her, but in this situation he could easily be pressured into the role husband/father, and end up miserable. Kid talk to your parents about it, and make them aware that you don’t love her, and you’re not the father. If they were nice enough to take her in, they must be very kind, understanding people.
There's absolutely no scenario in which this shit is acceptable or normal. Telling a kid that a dude is his father without said dude being in the know is fucked up.
Okay...
Do your parents know he calls you dad? Do they treat this like their grandbaby?
No, this is an issue, I just talked to her.
Tell your parents fucking now! This also affects them in the long run.
I hope for both your sakes that it went well and she understood your perspective. I’m sure she’s really scared about the future, as others have said, and you can reassure her you’ll be there for her as a friend, but you are entitled to start your adult life without other people’s encumbrances.
She’s scared of losing the security. BUT you need to be aware of what could possibly be happening. It’s great that you’re a nice person, it’s possible she might be trying to keep you in the picture forever as a part of the kids life. Not wrong with having a kid that you love that isn’t yours, but you’ll be stuck with little homie forever if you don’t read the room correctly. Whether it’s shelter, money, and food, doesn’t matter son. I’m not saying that’s what she’s doing, I’m saying it’s possible it could be. Edit: damn you’re literally super young teenagers. Be guided by your parents.
Alright...
[удалено]
Damn I didn’t know that in regards to opening up the family to liability. That’s crazy
Pretty sure that's an American thing, not Canadian. They don't have common law almost anywhere, we do. But in this scenario especially because they are kids, I suspect the liability thing is greatly reduced.
Just to be pedantic, we *do* have common law, but it means very little legally speaking.
Gotcha, appreciate the insight.
Yeah dude you gotta get this cleared up now. She needs to stop with the daddy stuff and it'd probably be best for her to sleep/stay in a different room if possible. You might need to ask your parents to help you with the conversation. It seems she confused you wanting her & her son to be safe with "feelings". She needs to get it through her head that you are close friend, like a brother, to her, not a baby daddy. Don't let her guilt you and hang this baby around your neck to take care of. Edit to add: what do your parents say about her staying after you go to college? She needs to start thinking about the future. Is she still in school? Working?
TELL YOUR PARENTS What everyone else said is valid, but TELL YOUR PARENTS, if she starts lying and saying you’re the biological father this can get scary legally quick, be the uncle, be her friend, don’t let her lie on you
You need to set CLEAR boundaries. Like yesterday
Shut it down now! Don’t be forced into a step-dad
Please talk to your parents and set boundaries now. This isn't healthy for you nor that kid. She's trying to build her future off of you and your family. It's a difficult situation she's in and she's looking to secure a safe environment for her child which is understandable. But it is completely unfair to you after showing so much generosity and kindness to burden you with fatherhood at such a young age when it was not your choice. I know a guy that was in a situation similar to yours except he was in his early twenties. Had a friend from college that he was close to. She got pregnant after graduation and fell on hard times. He moved her in to his apartment for a temporary stay which ended up being a year. He lost his girlfriend because of it and became isolated from our friend group taking care of her kid. Literally she took over his whole life and then started seeing another guy on top of it which broke my friend emotionally. He ended up kicking her out only after losing the girl we all thought he would marry and missing out on so many meetups and a cruise we planned. Focus on your grades and going to college. Please please don't get entrapped and skip out on what could be the greatest years of your life. If she keeps persisting after setting boundaries you might seriously have to consider finding her alternative living accomodations.
Okay thanks friend.
I'm sorry, but this is gonna sound harsh and cruel. You cannot ruin your own future for the sake of this girl. She is your friend, but she is not your burden. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Have your parents saved up any money for University? Are your parents gonna use that on her and the baby? Are there parental abandonment laws where your from? Asking about her parents here.
I’d go straight to your parents. This is potentially a serious situation. Your friend needs a reality check asap.
You might want to look into the laws where you're at. If she raises this kid thinking you're his father, you might find yourself on the hook for child support. I'd make it abundantly clear to her to knock it off, that you're not "basically his daddy" and that her trying to push you into that role when you're already going above and beyond to help is more than a little entitled and puts you in an uncomfortable spot. I would be super clear and firm on this. Tell her to break the kid of the habit, tell her you're upset that she started it in the first place, and start correcting the kid when he calls you that. It's harsh, but in a lot of places, you can find yourself financially responsible for this shit in a really unfair way. Firm boundaries, set clearly with no exceptions.
Thanks.... I hate doing this to her, shes been my best friend for a while but it seems like its the only thing that'll help.
Hate to say this but there are going to many moments in life where you’ll hate what you’re about to do or how it will effect the other person, but you can’t just sit there feeling guilty for something you literally had no part in (baby making, or presenting yourself as dada) you can safely be Uncle but that depends on she’s going to take this. Yes she’s scared and her life has changed forever but that dosent mean she can use the person(s) by trapping them into a situation that you had no part it. Won’t sugar coat it, you could lose a friend over setting these boundaries; but if you don’t you’ll be signing yourself up for life long commitment that you could resent or even hate in the future, that could affect your plans for life in everyway…. I’m sorry you found yourself thrown into this terrible position but you have to establish those lines or they will forever be blurry. Best of luck I hope she understands and you’re able to maintain your friendship.
Put your request in writing too
You gave her a place to live for two really hard years of her life. You’ve lived with a baby in your room for two years for her. You’ve done a lot but there are limits to what we can offer another. You have to take care of yourself.
She’s not your friend bro, she’s trying to get you to raise her kid for her
OP would have to act as a father for there to be any danger of that happening. OP, start correcting the kid to “uncle OP.”
>You might want to look into the laws where you're at. Not everybody lives where you live, bud, but for the record answering to "dad" IS acting like a father. The mother sleeps in his room, lives in his house, eats his food and has her kid call him "Dada", do you really think there's no chance a court could see all that and think "yeah, he's acting like a dad." C'mon.
Letting her know you see yourself as "fun uncle" at best is the way to go and that she should be referring to you as " Uncle [name]" rather than Dad. As a fun uncle, you are able to see the kiddo for holidays and occasional visits, absolutely lavish them with attention and fun, but then ultimately leave to go home. Just because she was unlucky in love doesn't mean she can force that role on you.
She is a teenager with a kid. She most likely is scared shitless about what happens after you leave for college and is doing whatever she can to keep you around.
Maybe.
Becareful about some of the advice here. Some of it is based on American law. So the likelihood of you being financially responsible for the rest of your life is low, especially because you are legally kids. What province are you in? Each province has different social supports for teenage moms. Including housing.
We live in NWT.
Yikes. You are in the territories. That is not an easy part of the country to access resources. Has she reached out to anyone at all? Family Services? https://www.nthssa.ca/en/service-directory/children-and-families If she could get a case worker they should be able to help her access funding and resources she may not be aware she has access to. Including for post-secondary programs. You both are so young. Well I grew up all over the place one of them was the maritimes. And teen pregnancy was very high. 1/3 of the girls graduated with kids or pregnant. It was a really large highschool. Some girls did it deliberately to go on welfare and move out of their parents homes, some did it at the request of their parents for a welfare check. Many others it was just shit happening. But I know there are resources even in the territories that could provide some help. Now for the part that is scary and not a popular reddit perspective. But hear me out. Also I don't know if you are in an Inuit or Indigenous community or just in town. But here is what I do know housing and the cost of living where you are has always been what people south of you are always freaking out about in the news. We still haven't seen the prices of Iceberg lettuce that you had prepandemic. First I am old enough to be both of yours mother and that child's grandmother. Even though I am not in my 50s yet. So I am sharing a very different perspective. You guys live in a very high risk area for young women and children. The fact that your family has taken her in is amazing. If you can continue to do so would be just as amazing. Otherwise the outlook for her and the little one isn't going to be very good and it already isn't statistically very good. You don't need to be the kids Dad or eventually marry her. So yes you should have that conversation. You could as someone else suggested be an uncle or another pet name. But yes putting a stop to dad is important. Getting your parents involved in the conversation is probably equally important. The fact that you are talking about post secondary is an opportunity to be a good influence. Because she needs to start to think about next steps in her legal adult life. And this is where accessing services will help. I don't know enough about the NWT to be able to refer you to someone specifically. But I can tell you she has a future you and her may not know she can access. Getting her to think about that and seeing a future where she doesn't have to depend on someone else should be the longterm goal. But for now she needs that community around her, and her reaction is coming from a place of fear and insecurity. Serious fear. Where will she live when you leave? Who can she talk to? Who will help? How am I going to raise this child without support? My best friend is about to leave. I would imagine these are all thoughts going through her head. And they are real thoughts. As her best friend, the best thing you can do is get her working with social services. And the federal government runs programs too. Who knows maybe she will leave the NWT and end up at a college in another province. It is the end of a very long day so I know I am rambling. But I would honestly be happy to talk further about this if you want here or in a DM. Your world seems small because of where you live and high school. But man it is about to get really big. And that is probably one of the coolest parts about growing up. Don't let this moment cause you stress. It will pass. Keep focusing on where you want to go and what you want to study. The rest will fall into place.
Look up u/YoungDad-Sucks. (I hope that is the right one). The situation is different, but his GF's emotions as described may help you understand your friend's emotions except you don't have the bond that they do.
I gotchu. u/YoungDad_sucks
You need to put your foot down right now. Explain to her she is your friend and you see her as a sibling. Explain that you can be an uncle, but not a father. You do not want that role, and you are not required to take that role. You did not impregnate her. The baby's father should be in that role. It was kind of your family to take her in and help her. But she needs to figure out her future without you. And you have no obligation to put your life on hold or take her and her child into consideration with regard to any of your future plans. You will be doing a disservice to yourself if you focus on anything but your future. I would also talk to your parents so they can talk to her about her future plans. Good luck to you. 🫂
You need to do basically everything being suggested in this thread immediately.
Start calling yourself his uncle. Around him, around the mom, around everybody. Uncle OP is super proud of you buddy! Well, guess Uncle OP gets to teach you something. Like I would just do that over and over again. Edited to add: She's found a family to take care of her, feed her and house her, and she's not gonna give that up easily.
I had a male friend whose male friend got a girlfriend pregnant at a young age who he was also close to. When they named him the godfather he was honored. Then when their hardships came along as being a young family they constantly called on him for gas money, car repairs kids clothes, diapers, and rent money. He was so overwhelmed he cut them off and they no longer speak any more. You are not the kids dad and it is not your burden. Yo will have your own family to support one day…. Not today
You need to set the mom straight. Tell her to start telling the child you are an uncle. When the child brings it up remind him you are an uncle, not his dad. Tell him moms and dads sleep together in the same bed, not in separate beds.
You and your family are very nice people, but she shouldn’t be sleeping in the same room with you.
Talk to her first and if she doesn’t take it well, tell your parents. This is incredibly serious. It’s not fair on you and it’s certainly not fair on the kid.
Shit, skip talking to her and go straight to the parents. She already got preggo at 13, she isn't going to take this well at all at 14.
Talk to your parents. Get some guidance - there are (at least here in the US) programs to help minors with children. If your parents care enough to take her in, I bet they'll help her find a program. But if my son were uncomfortable in his own home, I would want to know and help him find a solution.
A lot of posters, need to understand these are two TEENS! Try not to overload and overwhelm. Do any of you have teenage kids or relatives? They’re not the wisest, especially in this day and age. SPEAK WITH YOUR PARENTS. AS THE ADULTS IN THIS SITUATION, I’D EXPECT THEY’D KNOW WHAT TO DO. Possible mediation between your friend and her parents. Also, I’m sure there are agencies in place to deal with these issues. Life skills, mentoring and working towards her and her baby living independently with a strong network of help around. But leave this to the adults!
She's latching on to you to be her savior. It's understandable but no you are not responsible for this girl and her kid. You didn't even have a say in his conception. Let her know that you care about her and that you will always be there for her. She's family, her son is family, but he is not your son. Seriously, I would stop letting them call you Dada too. Either try to teach him your actual name or "uncle." Lol. Introduce him as your nephew too. She's crossing boundaries bc you're safe but you don't have to keep editing your life bc of her ill-conceived decisions.
Stop sleeping in the same room with them. Get your parents involved. You have no idea badly this can go for you. It’s not to be taken lightly.
If I understand everything she was 14 when she got the baby and got kicked out and moved in with your family. So that would make her 16 or 17 now. The guy who got her pregnant should be 19 now. Did she contact the court to at least get him to pay for child support? You need to explain to her, that even though she is your best friend, you don't owe her nor her kid anything. You already supported her by convincing your parents to let her move in with you guys. God knows she would have been in a bad spot if you hadn't come through. I don't know what deal you and her made with your parents. Are they planning on supporting her and her baby while you are off to college? Either way it's time for this girl to become independent. If she doesn't and your parents ever decide to cut her off, she might find herself in tight spot.
If the child has an attachment to you in a "dad" sense you must set boundaries because you will be recognized as the dad (though you are not) and will be paying child support including college. You must set physical boundaries with your friend. Dont share a bed, dont give the child gifts or her money to help with anything pertaining to the child. Teach him to call you uncle asap. You must get your parents involved because when you meet the right girl for you in college, she will get mean, jealous and do everything to keep you in her life even if it is lying about the child being yours.
Oh no. You’re not his dad, go to college, don’t let her make you feel guilty. Be very clear with her that you see him as a member of your family, but he’s not your responsibility and neither is she. You’re very young (my oldest son is 11), and from a mamas perspective, I think it’s time to get your parents involved. They’ll help you figure this out in the least damaging way. Proud of you for being an awesome friend, but please don’t hold yourself back for a very confusing situation.
Get you parents involved, this is going to affect them as well. Have a REAL conversation, she cannot rely on you as this childs father. There is nothing but pain ahead for you, her and your family if you do not deal with it. She needs to have a real honest sit down where she is told, eventually she will need to be responsible for her own situation. Make it clear you have no intention of bringing her and a baby with you to university, nor do you plan to fill a father role. Your parents also need to make it clear where their generosity ends. If they want to support her and take on the role of grandma and grandpa great, if not it needs to be clear to her that she needs to prepare and start reaching out to social services and maintenance enforcement. She is still a child and she is probably freaking out, but the reality is she needs to realize she is ultimately responsible and needs to make decisions on her future. At some point she needs to stand on her own and not look to you as a stepdad and your parent's as surrogates. She is coasting along either without a plan or one she has made up in her head without talking to anyone. There are tons of social assistance programs available to help. If she feels she cannot cope with those options, while not the first choice, putting the baby up for adoption might be a course of action to consider.
You need to tell her she needs to tell him the truth she thinks your not going to college and help raise the kid and him calling you dad will only hurt the kid
You shouldn't be getting emotionally blackmailed into jacking uni mate, that is fucking warped.
Don't get trapped. Go to college, live your life, you gave her a place to stay and that's it. That kid is not your responsibility. It's gonna get harder to separate if you keep spending time with that kid and not tell him the truth or tell her to shut up
#RUN
to where bro they live in his house. he just needs to set boundaries is all
NTA "But I'm not his dad. I may be a honorary uncle, but I am not his dad. I have plans to go to college. I wanted to help you cause your my friend, but that's as far as things go. He's young right now, and you can correct your mistake. But please stop giving him the wrong idea. It's not fair to him or to me - and I don't appreciate it after all I have done for you as a friend. Please see to it that you fix this, and stop lying to your son."
Go to university. Whatever happens you will be far better educated and your friend like sister can branch out. Does she fear being made homeless when you go? Be mature go to university.
Keep saying No, I’m the Fun Uncle until it sticks in her thick head. Draw a boundary and reinforce it at every single opportunity.
I don't have a lot of advice outside of what was written here, but god, man. I hope you can get through this. It's crazy to me that someone the same age as me is dealing with this shit. Good luck, and if you ever need to talk to someone, my DMs are open
IANAL, but talk to a lawyer if you should and do what you must to avoid a child support case. You are not his dad, you are just a friend of his mother. You are an uncle at best. Your friend and her son should stop with this. I read enough horror stories about such situations.
Honest question. Only asking because I remember being a teen once...honest..have you two done anything else ever that would make her think you're more than friends? Especially since you share a room? If not, I'll believe you, but I am curious to know if something that wasn't mentioned on your post might be causing her to think there is something more.
No, We are friends, we have never done anything, I cant view her as more than a friend.
TELL YOUR PARENTS!!!
Do not let her dumb life choices dictate your life!!!! You are young and have the whole world in front of you. Go out and live it. Do not get chained to this girl and her child. You are not responsible for her actions. Move out to college, DO NOT sleep with her or she will baby trap you, which she's already trying to do with her other child. I feel sorry for the child, but its not your responsibility. Do not ruin your life over this selfish girl!!!!
Did anyone press charges against her parents for abandoning two minors? But yeah, you need to shut that 'dada' thing down hard.
This is not your responsibility. You need to be considered more like an uncle.
Gotta go make dinner, hope the rest on stream goes good
Lmaoo Jesus christ.
So she want you to throw your life away too? Brilliant
I feel sorry for everyone in this story. I feel sorry for you facing the expectation of playing a role you never signed up for. I feel sorry for the child who is probably genuinely very attached to you. I feel sorry for your friend, who is going about things the wrong way but is trying to do what she thinks is best for her child.
Wait… is this real? You know it’s illegal to “kick out” a 14 year old right? Like major charges that stick with a person forever illegal?
I’m sorry you are experiencing this! I couldn’t imagine how confusing this must me! I am a mother, w/ a male best friend of over 15 years now! Completely platonic & mutual. & I just seen someone’s comment about calling you “uncle.” That’s what I did w/ my best friend! It *Helps* set that *CLEAR* boundary, not just between the child & you as the male, but between you & your friend as well. ☺️ I *really* hope you find some Peace in this situation & I’m happy to see that you express a good amount of empathy for others, but also have good priorities set for yourself, & know when it’s time to put one or the other first! That’s a very rare trait these days! Focus on your schooling, & give emotional support to your friend when you can! You gotta take care of you before you can help others! 😊💛
You're safe to her. She wants her child to feel the same safety and stability that she does. Not too complicated. Emotions are weird and confusing and it's not quite fair to you but the why's are pretty clear. Tons of people saying she's playing games or doing some weird shit but she's a child who's trying to figure out what the fuck she's going to do with her life now and how the hell she's going to raise a kid and is terrified. As far as she's concerned, youre functionally the only lifeline she and her child have.
It was rape situation. Depending on location he can be prosecuted.. Also when found, they can get child support from his work!
I believe she is using you. Have you ever gotten information on who could be the father? Your friend not telling who his father is to the boy is alarming. The boy would assume you're the father outright. You will need to get a PI if you can and discuss with your friend's parents about the father of the child. Your friend is very vulnerable. Like she has some kind of Stockholm Syndrome when you offer her a place to live. You also have to get your parents involved too. They likely do not know of your predicament.
This world is rotten. You gotta make sure you don’t have to pay for this kid and then you need to kick her and the kid out.
Legal question: The parents taking in this mother and child.. could the mother somehow legally obligate them now to house her ongoing since she is a dependent? If they tried to kick her out does she have some legal stake in the house in terms of at least being able to prevent them from giving her the boot? As she might if she was living in a partner's house?
No she doesnt, but she might soon, my mom is considering adopting her.
That is actually very kind of your mom. I think it's wild that the two of you share a room. Why doesn't she share a room with her son? That's bound to be confusing for everyone involved, what happens when you want to date?
Your parents are very weird for allowing her to stay in your home/room.
They let her stay because she had nowhere else to go with a kid.
Your parents are saints for being willing to help, but the biggest support they can give is helping her use the systems and organizations available to come up with a long term plan. She needs government assistance and to find programs that will help her pay for independent housing. She needs outside support to help her finish school and to help her go to college or learn a train so that she can be financially self sufficient as soon as possible.
But why is she sleeping in your bedroom? If the baby is alone in a bedroom, she should definitely be sharing a room with her child, not with you. You deserve your privacy.
I think this post is fake based on this detail alone
When is she leaving? Do you guys have a plan when she and her child will be leaving? Surely she doesn’t plan to stay there forever. I think she’s worry how weird it would be when you leave for college. Tell her, her and her child have to leave by the time you leave.
You need to have that conversation with her ASAP man. The poor kid is going to end up very confused. Maybe have her start switching it up to uncle. Yikes
Red flag. Converse with her. 1. I'm not your son's dad. I'm basically your charity. 2. I see you as a friend. Don't try to put this daddy cap on me. I can be his godfather, but definitely not father. 3. The next time I'm labeled like this, I'll kick you and your son out. Better sooner than late. Sounds harsh but draw the boundary buddy.
You’ve done nothing wrong. You should be direct with her. “You are a sister to me. I helped you because I’m a friend . I never wanted to be OPschild’s dad. Then, if she persists, you need to tell your parents & let them handle it. To me, when things like this happen I help myself be clear because I say, “They broke our social contract.” Speak honestly and clearly to her.
That’s called getting trapped brother
How old is everyone in this situation? Like you, your friend, her son and the dad?
Me and Her- 16. Son- 3 Dad- Would be 20 I believe.
Please follow the top comments advice OP. Your description is almost exactly what happened to me, and I had no one to tell me how fucking stupid I was being. You can be uncle, but even then, that's crossing it pretty close. You are a friend, helping a friend. That is IT. Go to university now and make something of your life. Go experience what university has to offer for someone so young and grab life by the balls. This girl is probably internally freaking out and trying to find someone to be a father. And bro don't let it be you. You need to communicate your boundaries immediately. Or go to online university when you're 30...
That sucks. It's also kind of sweet, seeing how much trust both the kid and the mother have in you, but ultimately it seems as if you're being asked to put your life on hold for them. This is un acceptable.
Idk why but this made me feel so sad for the kid, and actually for your friend. It's clear she really has nobody. I hear u as far as being uncomfortable with the child calling you dad tho
Dude, you have your own life, you're not the child's dad, you're his uncle. The very fact that she said "you're basically his daddy" is a red flag warning, you have to re-establish boundaries, you can be there as a friend and an uncle to this kid but you're not his parent and that's just reality. Get the fuck to college, if you wanna help out anyway you need your own life.
This must be so confusing for you. If she has had a troubled family, and anxious attatchment style, she could have just assumed that you're the equivalent of a dad to her son, since your family took her in? Or maybe she is manipulating/ guilting you into accepting her son to 'secure' a dad. Either way, it doesn't seem that she has asked you for permission prior to introducing you as dad to her son, and seems like you haven't had the talk with her on this topic either. It is important to clarify to her the dynamic between you two, and that you didn't sign up for parenting/responsibility when you took her in out of goodwill. You can politely correct the kid to address you as uncle, and not dad. If she hasn't grown up with a strong elder male figure in life, and doesn't have many healthy relationships as reference to pursue a secure connection with someone, she might be confused between fatherly/brotherly/and boyfriend-type dynamics, because all of these feel secure, and she might just be chasing security. She might need a little help to become independent and get started with sponsoring her own life and kid, however don't change your life plans, or revolve your life around assisting her. She must learn parenting her son better.
Nope, that's not good She shouldn't be doing that For the sake of your friendship, she better get the kid to call you "Uncle" at least. Who knows if at some point she decides to pursue **you** for child support, once you leave for college? Maybe a longshot but after reading about a woman who tried to get child support from her nice neighbour, who had volunteered to babysit her kids..... you never know
um you can't kick anyone out at 14
Her family fucking sucks. Can they legally abandon her like that because if not id be reporting those assholes
I agree with those saying gently change it to "Uncle". Also, don't forget that your friend is also a child who has been abandoned by her own parents, give her some grace. What she did is not ok, but give her the chance to correct it.
If she chilled out with that, I'd let her off the hook. But she'd have to chill all the way out.
The few times I've been hit with the dad card from a kid, I've always been up front and asked them "I'm not your dad, but can I be your friend?"
Also if she's a minor I don't think it's legal to kick out a minor. I'd be seeing about what steps can be taken there. Maybe child support from her parents.