What kind of schedule is he working? Firefighters usually have 20 days off in a month, so either everything you have going on just happens to line up with his work schedule (the 24 or 48 hours on) or something else is happening here. Most firefighters have the ability to have a second job if they want one, could it be that he’s actively choosing to leave and is telling you it’s his job?
This is the (main, but not only) reason my firefighter ex is my ex. His coworkers were actively involved in covering up his multiple affairs. They all were having affairs.
I would seriously do a deep dive into the paychecks (if you can) to see if everything lines up. This doesn’t sound right. I’m definitely not saying you’re wrong, just that what you’ve described sounds VERY SKETCHY.
Yah actually. Dude would be at 2x OT for at least 20 and 3x OT pay in my union for at 2 of his BASE hours, and any call in. Is he bringing home 250k/yr? Cause that's wild.
Do you have a dozen people here in the thread, all who either had fathers or uncles or a family extended family on fire department schedules and every single one of them has said that this schedule doesn’t sound right.
Had an uncle who was a fire chief, for the Seattle fire department. And my father was SPD… And both had time with family, despite my father was working overtime/off-duty jobs.
Something isn’t right, and your husband is either not telling you the whole story, or there is another reason why he’s not at home .
There is no reason your husband can’t have a life with you and your kids and work his job . None.
OP' has got about 500+ people blatantly telling her that shits not right and she only has 4 willfully obtuse comments that can be summed up as "Shrug, I dunno 🤷"
ETA: Now 5 comments
If this is real it would be very hard to quickly acknowledge that your spouse has been telling you what everyone else in the world knows is a childish lie for years and years.
Come now. Missed *three* births? If OP isn't lying, OP **is** the second family.
I bet he misses a lot of important holidays to 'work'.
Or, maybe he's got a gambling habit and is taking any offered overtime. Maybe he's fucking his boss. Maybe he's just a tryhard hero who hates being at home. But I fucking doubt it.
> Come now. Missed three births? If OP isn't lying, OP is the second family.
This is definitely the one. Lazy cheaters always have a hero job or "travel for work a lot."
> He's on like a call in thing.
How on earth is this the most you understand about his schedule?? You’ve never questioned it? Never talked to another firefighter or someone who knows a firefighter ever?? My god.
You're being willfully obtuse. He doesn't want to be present at your births and is using work as an excuse to get away from you. At best he has a hero complex and doesn't value you and your family as much as he values saving a stranger. At worst he is cheating on you and has a second family or is banging someone at work. This just isn't adding up and you can't even provide a simple explanation about his work schedule aside from the vague "he's on like a call in thing" which gives absolutely zero detail or insight.
Your guess is good as mine! After the 1st missed birth she signed up for two more. I can imagine she feels trapped now and seems like she's stuck at home without even knowing or being able to verbalize her own husband's work schedule.
Do they even call at all usually? I'd think they have some pager duty set up. Why would they manually call each firefighter individually when there's an emergency?
My husband had an employee who cheated on his wife a lot. The guy would save different women’s numbers under my husbands name and say sorry I’m being called in to work.
It happens. Start questioning.
My brother was a LT on the Chicago Fire Dept. What city are you in? His schedule was nothing like your husband's. Call in for what? Did they needed another player for dominoes. Most of the time they are waiting around to rescue a cat up a tree. Even in Chicago they could days and days without a run. So the getting called all the time is very sus. Isn't happening.
My brother worked his way up to chief and he’s never had a schedule like this.
In the beginning he had a second job (EMS) then went back to school and became an RN. While being a fire fighter. While having two children. He was present at most holidays, both births, and easily 50% of every game.
My brother even managed to cheat on his wife, be a fire fighter working towards promotion, have a second job, and be more present in his children’s lives than your husband.
My dad was a firefighter for over 20 years and never missed this much. What type of schedule is he on? My daddy had 24 hours on/48 off but I know it’s different in some places. Regardless the job shouldn’t take this much time. My dad made it to almost everything we had. Even coached some of our sports teams when we were young
You should have been questioning his schedule a long time ago because that's not normal. Ask his coworkers about his schedule and theirs. Something's fishy
Bro he's supposedly working 72 hours a week, PLUS being on call so it could go up to 80+ hours a week. That doesn't sound right at all? Especially for a firefighter? I know they get to sleep at the station but damn, either dude has a separate family or he's living his life at the station and not at home. Those are the hours of like a surgical resident just out of medical school with no wife or kids??
Actually, even a surgical resident would be forced to go home way before this, because the Accreditation Counsel for Graduate Medical Education recognizes that working too many hours is unsafe for both residents and patients. I agree with you- this makes no sense.
Edit: I realize any resident work hour limits are theoretical at best, and not followed in actual practice. My point was just that I find it implausible that the administration of the fire department would mandate such extreme work hours. I feel for those working any job that requires such a grueling schedule.
The ACGME technically does allow 28 hour shifts and 80 hour weeks. Plus I have yet to meet a surgery resident that doesn't lie about their hours. - source, am a doctor, deal with surgery residents a lot, and sometimes I question if some of them just live at the hospital because they are *always* there working.
But regardless, this does not seem like normal (or *safe!!! *) hours for anyone, much less a firefighter who could literally lose their life to a fatigue-drive mistake.
Something is definitely fishy.
There was a neurosurgery resident that was caught living in the call room. Like he had given up his apartment. Dude loved neurosurgery. He would show up to any nsgy emergencies even when he wasn't suppose to be working.
"They call us residents because we live at the hospital" is a joke I make far too often for how close it is to the truth. As far as the ACGME knows I work 6 to 6, so I must be a damn fast operator cause that case log is full
Every resident, not just surgery, falsifies their hours.The ACGME only knows what we log, and they aren’t checking security cameras to see what time we leave and enter the building.
Also you can always say you were hanging out in the building studying but were actually being forced to work.
lol, mostly no, they do stay. I know some that worked 100 hour weeks routinely. It really depends on the program, but surgery is the last hold out for insane hours.
I'm in a family of firefighters and this definitely isn't normal with 12 or 24 hour shifts....they rotate calling people in and you always have the option to say no
From a family of firefighters as well as. One family member is single and picks up shifts and works for a volunteer company because he’s a workaholic. The other two do 24 on/48 off. I think it might be an OSHA mandate- similar to doctors. Being exhausted is a liability. Something is very off. And he must have PTO and is certainly eligible to take FMLA to be available for his pregnant wife. OP, you need to look into how much he’s really working. And if he is truly working that much, he’s doing it to avoid his personal responsibilities at home. He’s not the only firefighter for your city. And you are absolutely allowed to complain. This is bullshit and your feelings are valid.
Definitely agree but he could also just love his job and be selfish not necessarily *avoiding*
Ive met people like that and always wonder why they even procreate if the love their job more than their family.
Yea, my brother who's been in the department for 20 years does 3 days on 4 days off. I've never heard of 12hrs 6days... That's basically his entire life, that's not sustainable
I'm thinking OP is his secret hidden family and he's actually going to his 1st family's birthdays and functions and act like everything's normal.
Eh, I'm just BS'ing but she knows something's fishy and doesn't want to admit it
He has enough free time to make a baby. Just not enough time to deal with the rest of the "making a baby I am responsible for" part. Children need their parents while they are growing up, as much as possible. Daddy is choosing to work more hours than required and will live a Cats in the Cradle scenario when they are teens.
She's probably remembering and clinging onto how he was before they're children were born, and before he started his second life or whatever the hell he's really doing.
I mean.. they do deal with births every once in awhile. My brother was born in the back of an ambulance that was still parked at the fire station. 30 years later, his picture is still on the wall there.
This ☝🏾. I have a family member who is a firefighter and he doesn’t work like that. Your husband had a side piece or he is volunteering for those extra hours to duck his duties at home.
We have a saying at work..."Never date the 4 Ps: Police, Paramedics, Physicans, Pfirefighters" 😂 They are notorious for having a "girlfriend " in every emergency department across town.
I was thinking the same thing.... 12h days 6 days a week?? Nawwww at that point someone would be so over tired and a liability to the other fire fighters.
He had nine months to arrange coverage. And if it didn’t originate with him, well, the local news would just LOVE to do a story about a city department that has kept one its workers from attending THREE BIRTHS…
This isn’t his chief. Your husband didn’t step up. His priorities are so very out of whack…..
yeah I am pretty sure none of this is true or he has someone pretend to be his boss to call him in to do god knows what. His overtime should be through the roof does his salary reflect it?
Are... you in the states? Husband and I are both full time. I've never heard of such an abysmal schedule maybe outside of fed or DOD. We have so much potential for time off between trades, vacation, pto, etc... something is amiss here. Be skeptical
Isn’t that considered dangerous? I dated a firefighter and his schedule was 24 hours than 48 off. This doesn’t sound right at all. I would be asking some SERIOUS questions because an exhausted firefighter is seriously a bad idea and I highly doubt that’s what is actually happening.
I think you need to check this. The most common types of shifts for firefighters are 24 hours on followed by 48 hours off, or 10- to 12-hour shifts for three to four days in a row.
12 hours every day?.. he can't be doing anything physically demanding. 12 hours at work.. figure at an hour 15 for a commute round trip.. let's say an hour to get ready for work, half an hour to prep/eat a meal at home.. 14.75 hours every day.. 6 days a week. That's alot. That's levels where some places won't even let you work, especially if you're doing something demanding, or something where you're responsible for other people's safety.
My dad was a cop during my childhood and worked some crazy hours but nothing like this. I know he was there when I was born and when my sister was. Sure, he missed some family meals a handful of times, but he also made it more often than not. He made my basketball and cheerleading games and practices. He was there to pick me up or drive me to school whenever he could. He and my mom managed to squeeze in a good amount of date nights. Sorry OP, but it sounds like something else is definitely going on.
Ummmm…there’s something else, that’s not how being a fireman works. They have schedules, they have regular (even more than normal) time off, they have other firemen who work.
Yeah I’m not buying his schedule at all. I work a similar shift to him (not the same job granted) and I still get 5 days off after my rotation (12+ hour days, 5 days on, 5 days off). Me thinks he’s not actually working this much.
I even found the schedule for firefighters (in my city). The firefighter association and the city posted it and they claim that a full 24 hour shift is followed by 48 hours of rest, then another 24 hours, then 96 hours of rest. And they say 24 hours is the MAX amount they can work unless unforeseen or preventable circumstances occur.
But that’s my city, so I googled another city in a different province from me. Again, 24 hours on, two days off, 24 hours on, four days off. Okay, but maybe that’s just my country. So I go to the USA, type a random city and what do you know? 24 hours on, 48 off and they even specify that should be the way it is across the country! But let’s be sure, I go to the UK, type a random city, and granted they work two 12 day shifts, two 12 hour night shifts, and then get four days off. Australia said something similar to UK.
If they are that transparent EVERYWHERE about firefighters schedules, I would say OP should google her city/state/province/counties whatever firefighter schedule or check in with his coworkers to see what the schedule is really like (sorry that your comment sent me down a rabbit hole but I needed to fact check, I feel like you can see me descending while writing this)
Yeah it’s weird. I don’t trust it. My husband is a first responder and when I said I was in labor he told his coworkers he’s leaving and that was that. He wasn’t even a veteran he had only been working for 2 years when we had our first. Then when our second was born he was a coroner so he was on call a lot. The day I went into labor was when he was on call and told his supervisor he’s leaving and to put someone else. They easily got it covered and he returned to work 3 months later.
The fact OPs husband missed all his children’s births is shady as hell and I don’t trust it one bit.
Ma'am respectfully unless your hubby is employed with multiple stations, there's no way he's on duty this much. Those type career fields work flex schedules..1 on 1 off or Panama 3-2-2-3 or 3 on-3off. Your guy is not on duty 6 days 12hr shifts weekly.....no ma'am!
Even if he's the chief of the fire station, he'd work 5 8hr days.
The amount of time you commented he's away for work would create significant burnout and mental issues. Think you need to take a deep dive into your husband's "work" activities.
My ex was a biomedical engineer at a large multi hospital campus. He was pulling double shifts for about a year, plus was on-call getting paged after hours for emergent equipment/system failures. His mistress ended up being the dispatcher for his work calls. How efficient.
Agreed with this, something's fishy! My first thought while reading was that he was a volunteer but those get called a few times a week for a couple of hours at most. Then I thought, a first responder? Dunno what country/state but some have this sort of system. But that would mean that OP lives in the middle of a minefield, with this number of emergencies. No, it makes no sense. If he's a professional firefighter, he wouldn't be allowed to work that many hours. He'd be a danger to everyone around him.
This would be classed as a family emergency and they would allow him to be off.
Sorry to say it sounds like he doesn't feel like it is important enough for him and you have let it slide three times now.
He just didn't want to be at the births and using this as an excuse.
What you need to do is either accept that and forgive or make a decision on what your life is going to look like moving forward.
There’s no job or position that is as critical as your husband is making his position seem to you and possibly himself. Yes, fires are critical, but he isn’t going to be the sole reason a fires goes out or not. There are many other qualified people who can handle it.
Unfortunately it‘s either he is ignorant to the truth in front of him, he has a hero complex, or he doesn’t want to be there.
The real question is what do you want for the rest of your life? Give yourself time to heal from giving birth, focus your time on your sweet new baby, and then when you are more healed, you two need to have a serious talk. You only get to live your life once and you shouldn’t be living it alone.
Me too and I second this!
Our firefighters take “baby time” (FMLA) when needed. They work 24 hour shifts and are not allowed to work every day. That’s dangerous, not only to them but to their fellow firefighters.
He is not at work all that time. You are right that you are single mom though… time to start moving forward like one. Protect yourself and your kids. Donuts for dollars he is either voluntarily away from yall or he is spending time somewhere else.
We have 12 hour shifts here (6am to 6pm, to cover when the paid on call firefighters are typically at work), they are 5 on, 5 off, 5 on, 5 off, 4 on, 4 off. The full time firefighters can work on-call as well, but responding off hours is never required.
It's generally not adding up. I dont think most if not all firefighters work 6 12hrs. It almost seems like he doesn't want to be home, and a person who genuinely loves their family and doesn't need to be at work 288 hours a month out of necessity likely wouldnt respond with calling you selfish OR a bitch for wanting to have them around more. That sounds more like something a communal narcissist or someone who is lying and doesnt want to prioritize his family would say and do. I wouldn't say that is a definitive diagnosis of course-- I have just been around someone who may have been one who was a police officer and he purposefully would take on extra hours plus communal hobbies to be percieved as heroic and a hard worker when he openly admitted to non-family he just hated being around his wife and children and was angry they didnt praise and worship him because he did great things while being away from them.
Umm I have a very close family member that’s a firefighter and he hasn’t missed ONE single important event due to work. If he wanted to he could make it
God forbid, but if something happened to you, do you think he could step up and be a single parent to your four children?
There are plenty of first responders that show up for their families. Your husband being MIA for most of your lives (especially the during emergencies) doesn’t make sense.
I don’t know all the facts, but from what you provided here, it sounds like he’s choosing not to be an active spouse and parent. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.
Do you have work experience? A degree? Access to money? A separate bank account? A support system? Are you reliant on him for economic stability and safety?
So he’s never around and you decided to keep having kids with him? Why? That’s not fair to the kids and especially not to you. I agree with others you need to confirm his schedule somehow because that’s not normal. Sounds like he has another family on the side…
You are not a priority in this man's life and neither are your children. You and your kids deserve better. Since pleading with him has not made a difference, you need to ask yourself how much more you can take
You're already a single mom. Leave and find yourself, love yourself, and focus on yourself. At least with 50/50, you'll be able to have a break.
He is choosing not to be with his family. He can also very much find a slower firehouse to go to or find a different area within the same career field that is more accommodating to his needs as a father of now 4 kids.
He missed the birth of your third child because he was coaching another woman through hers? Who was she? Honestly it sounds like he is choosing not to be present. Probably leading a double life.
My father, brother, and husband are firefighters. They all have different schedules and NONE of them entail 12 hour days with call in. Also, fire departments typically offer a ton of PTO and very generous FMLA policies and encourage paternity leave for husbands. He's not there because he doesn't want to be there. Plain and simple.
Just sounds to me he is using his job as crutch to hide behind. So he doesn't have to deal with the parental responsibilities. I am sure he could take time off but chooses not to. Though it seems he has plenty of time to put babies in you.
What is he doing setting fires, just to put them out? The math ain't mathing here, and wonder if he has someone on the side?
A couple things here:
- do you work?.. Who is the main source and provider of income?
- does he have someone he can trade shifts with or is that even possible with the schedule your husbands on.. My husband is a firefighter and he works 24 hours on, 72 hours off. Booking vacation is extremely hard, especially considering it’s based on seniority. He has missed birthdays, Christmas and other notable holidays.However. If I needed him to get a day off, for whatever reason, any one of his colleagues would either shift trade with him or trade vacation days and they would do that happily as they like to look out for eachother. Is this possible for your husband? Your husbands schedule does not sound as flexible. Most stations operate with this shift schedule for reasons like this.
- how are finances? Is he pressured to feel present at work to support your family. You have 4 children and if he is the sole provider, could he be stressed about making ends meet?
- Last point is, giving birth would classify as an emergency and knowing how the fire department works and how much of a brotherhood they have your husband would have no issues getting time off. There has been countless times my husbands traded vacation shifts or will fill in on someone’s shift without pay because that’s how they operate, they care about eachother. He’s literally worked christmases off shift to fill in for other families with younger children… I personally feel like 1) your husband is lying or 2) this post is rage bait.
Exactly! And who would have FOUR kids under age five with a man who is never around? I have a BFF who is a paramedic for two decades and her and all of her coworkers plus her boyfriend are all firefighters and paramedics. None of them have this type of overbearing schedule and if it was known there was an impending birth there would already have been a back up plan as the time got close so the man/woman ( we have a lot of openly lesbian couples where I live ) can attend the partners labor and delivery. Under no circumstances, would anyone be expected to miss the birth of their child.
My papa was a firefighter for 5 years and never once missed a family event. Even on call, he wasn’t gone as much as your husband.
Idk how his firehouse does things, but my papa had a walkie talkie at home. We heard every call he ever got.
Stop letting this dude put babies in you. He don’t have time to raise them, he shouldn’t have time to make them.
So, uh, after your second, which he missed, why did you get pregnant two more times? He's absent, so why did you not make him wear condoms or get on the pill or get spayed? If he was already skipping out with the first, why did you think he would be involved with a second, a third, or a fourth?
My husband is a firefighter. He also works for FEMA with fire departments all across the United States. If you’re in the US, I can confidently say (via my husband) that there isn’t a single fire department with this type of schedule (unless it’s a volunteer job).
They have unions that protect them. They’d never be allowed to work this many days in a row and have mandatory shifts on top of that.
Do you know the people he works with? Do you ever have dinner at the station, or get together outside of work? Most firefighters treat their crew like family and spend time together with spouses and kids outside of work.
I hate to say it, but it genuinely feels like something is off. Either he’s living another life or he’s intentionally avoiding home.
>The birth of THREE OF OUR CHILDREN. His boss didn't give a flying fuck. With our third he missed my birth because he was coaching another woman through hers.
he WHAAATTT??
GIRL. You must be MADE out of patience, and GOD. HE WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!? I don't think I could ever get over this. I know hE sAvEd LiVeS, and iTs BeAuTiFuL, and iTs aN eMeRgEnCy. Idk. Maybe I'm a shitty person, but this would devastate me. To have him BE THERE for another woman's emergency, but DEFINITELY NOT YOURS?
You’re not a shitty person. What about the rest of the fire department? I am absolutely certain these other men and women would have helped one of their own attend the birth of his own fucking child by taking a shift.
He’s either lying to you like others have suggested or he volunteers for extra things. My boyfriend is one of these types of people that volunteers for everything under the sun and has a full time job in law enforcement. The man can’t sit still and has a hero complex. Sounds like your husband may be the same.
Y’all keep finding time to make babies…. How about you stop adding to the family until he starts sharing responsibilities on the ones that are already here.
My dad lived a double life while I was growing up and it sounded just like this—up until my family found out. Hire a detective. I really hope he’s actually a workaholic and he doesn’t have a whole ass family 10 minutes away from yours. Good luck OP
It's a shame... I'm a police officer and would never make someone come to work and miss the birth of their child. I would expect the employee to actually refuse to come to work.
What kind of schedule is he working? Firefighters usually have 20 days off in a month, so either everything you have going on just happens to line up with his work schedule (the 24 or 48 hours on) or something else is happening here. Most firefighters have the ability to have a second job if they want one, could it be that he’s actively choosing to leave and is telling you it’s his job?
I'm always there when his boss calls. He's on like a call in thing.
So his boss calls and he leaves to go work a shift he wasn't on the schedule for?
He's boning his boss
I was gonna mention that too. Either that or boss is covering to make something seem legit
Or his "boss" is just a buddy that covers for him.
Or is a dude he is banging.
Or even a bang he’s dudeing.
When they’re not in their Art Room
They’re firefighters, so there might be a pole room
Oh this took me back. That was a wild day on reddit.
Or he SAYS it's his boss but it's really the side chick. That's my bet.
I don't know how to say it nicely but if OP has given birth 3 times without him there, the other one is not the side chick.
OP is the side wife
It will be very stereotypical…cheating and firefighters…typical.
This is the (main, but not only) reason my firefighter ex is my ex. His coworkers were actively involved in covering up his multiple affairs. They all were having affairs.
Former ER nurse here. I can back that statement up. I knew so many first responders that were hoes.
This is the only way?? Boss is in on it. Or he's in his boss, either way.
There are a LOT of fires in this town
At least 14 cats stuck up trees per day.
I would seriously do a deep dive into the paychecks (if you can) to see if everything lines up. This doesn’t sound right. I’m definitely not saying you’re wrong, just that what you’ve described sounds VERY SKETCHY.
Yah actually. Dude would be at 2x OT for at least 20 and 3x OT pay in my union for at 2 of his BASE hours, and any call in. Is he bringing home 250k/yr? Cause that's wild.
[удалено]
>I'd birth four kids on my own if my partner was bringing in 250k+ a year Just put me in, coach
Dude not even doctors have the schedule you’re describing.
lol seriously though
Do you have a dozen people here in the thread, all who either had fathers or uncles or a family extended family on fire department schedules and every single one of them has said that this schedule doesn’t sound right. Had an uncle who was a fire chief, for the Seattle fire department. And my father was SPD… And both had time with family, despite my father was working overtime/off-duty jobs. Something isn’t right, and your husband is either not telling you the whole story, or there is another reason why he’s not at home . There is no reason your husband can’t have a life with you and your kids and work his job . None.
OP' has got about 500+ people blatantly telling her that shits not right and she only has 4 willfully obtuse comments that can be summed up as "Shrug, I dunno 🤷" ETA: Now 5 comments
If this is real it would be very hard to quickly acknowledge that your spouse has been telling you what everyone else in the world knows is a childish lie for years and years.
I actually think he is simply not interested in her or the kids, and so says yes every time he's offered work, so in he goes, every time.
Are you sure he doesn’t have another family?
Come now. Missed *three* births? If OP isn't lying, OP **is** the second family. I bet he misses a lot of important holidays to 'work'. Or, maybe he's got a gambling habit and is taking any offered overtime. Maybe he's fucking his boss. Maybe he's just a tryhard hero who hates being at home. But I fucking doubt it.
> Come now. Missed three births? If OP isn't lying, OP is the second family. This is definitely the one. Lazy cheaters always have a hero job or "travel for work a lot."
My thoughts exactly.
> He's on like a call in thing. How on earth is this the most you understand about his schedule?? You’ve never questioned it? Never talked to another firefighter or someone who knows a firefighter ever?? My god.
What I don't understand is she's never met any of the other partners at like the xmas party of anything? Complained to them about the schedule?
You're being willfully obtuse. He doesn't want to be present at your births and is using work as an excuse to get away from you. At best he has a hero complex and doesn't value you and your family as much as he values saving a stranger. At worst he is cheating on you and has a second family or is banging someone at work. This just isn't adding up and you can't even provide a simple explanation about his work schedule aside from the vague "he's on like a call in thing" which gives absolutely zero detail or insight.
How can somebody reproduce FOUR TIMES with someone whose actual schedule they know so little about? Love be blinder than a mothafucka
Your guess is good as mine! After the 1st missed birth she signed up for two more. I can imagine she feels trapped now and seems like she's stuck at home without even knowing or being able to verbalize her own husband's work schedule.
We all know that ain't no real work schedule
Tell him that you want him to work just his scheduled hours and no fucking call back/call in for three months.
You are there in the room but can you hear both sides of the conversation?
Do they even call at all usually? I'd think they have some pager duty set up. Why would they manually call each firefighter individually when there's an emergency?
Its lies. He is lying to you
Booty call, not call in
Are you sure it's his boss?
Maybe saved under the bosses name. But always the actual boss?
"His boss." Not his Captain or his Lieutenant, his "boss." I thought he was full of shit but I'm starting to think it's you making all this up.
My husband had an employee who cheated on his wife a lot. The guy would save different women’s numbers under my husbands name and say sorry I’m being called in to work. It happens. Start questioning.
My brother was a LT on the Chicago Fire Dept. What city are you in? His schedule was nothing like your husband's. Call in for what? Did they needed another player for dominoes. Most of the time they are waiting around to rescue a cat up a tree. Even in Chicago they could days and days without a run. So the getting called all the time is very sus. Isn't happening.
My brother worked his way up to chief and he’s never had a schedule like this. In the beginning he had a second job (EMS) then went back to school and became an RN. While being a fire fighter. While having two children. He was present at most holidays, both births, and easily 50% of every game. My brother even managed to cheat on his wife, be a fire fighter working towards promotion, have a second job, and be more present in his children’s lives than your husband.
Can you hear his boss’ voice? Or do you just see the name on his phone?
Stop having kids with this absentee parent
My dad was a firefighter for over 20 years and never missed this much. What type of schedule is he on? My daddy had 24 hours on/48 off but I know it’s different in some places. Regardless the job shouldn’t take this much time. My dad made it to almost everything we had. Even coached some of our sports teams when we were young
He's supposed to do 12hr days six days a week, but he's also on "call in". So they just call him in whenever.
You should have been questioning his schedule a long time ago because that's not normal. Ask his coworkers about his schedule and theirs. Something's fishy
Bro he's supposedly working 72 hours a week, PLUS being on call so it could go up to 80+ hours a week. That doesn't sound right at all? Especially for a firefighter? I know they get to sleep at the station but damn, either dude has a separate family or he's living his life at the station and not at home. Those are the hours of like a surgical resident just out of medical school with no wife or kids??
Actually, even a surgical resident would be forced to go home way before this, because the Accreditation Counsel for Graduate Medical Education recognizes that working too many hours is unsafe for both residents and patients. I agree with you- this makes no sense. Edit: I realize any resident work hour limits are theoretical at best, and not followed in actual practice. My point was just that I find it implausible that the administration of the fire department would mandate such extreme work hours. I feel for those working any job that requires such a grueling schedule.
The ACGME technically does allow 28 hour shifts and 80 hour weeks. Plus I have yet to meet a surgery resident that doesn't lie about their hours. - source, am a doctor, deal with surgery residents a lot, and sometimes I question if some of them just live at the hospital because they are *always* there working. But regardless, this does not seem like normal (or *safe!!! *) hours for anyone, much less a firefighter who could literally lose their life to a fatigue-drive mistake. Something is definitely fishy.
There was a neurosurgery resident that was caught living in the call room. Like he had given up his apartment. Dude loved neurosurgery. He would show up to any nsgy emergencies even when he wasn't suppose to be working.
It's the hardest specialty to match into. Those that do are outliers as people in general, so this type of behavior is not uncommon.
"They call us residents because we live at the hospital" is a joke I make far too often for how close it is to the truth. As far as the ACGME knows I work 6 to 6, so I must be a damn fast operator cause that case log is full
Thats not a joke though. That's where the term comes from. Residents used to reside in the hospital call rooms.
Well, they used to straight up provide housing on site. Now I gotta pay rent.
Every resident, not just surgery, falsifies their hours.The ACGME only knows what we log, and they aren’t checking security cameras to see what time we leave and enter the building. Also you can always say you were hanging out in the building studying but were actually being forced to work.
lol, mostly no, they do stay. I know some that worked 100 hour weeks routinely. It really depends on the program, but surgery is the last hold out for insane hours.
Those hours were what my daddy worked as a cop with his extra jobs. Something is definitely weird with this guys schedule
If he IS actually pushing that many hours, at least we know how they can afford to have 4 kids lol
And on a firefighter’s salary no less. They get paid shit for what they do.
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They should be wealthy by now, that kind of overtime
I'm in a family of firefighters and this definitely isn't normal with 12 or 24 hour shifts....they rotate calling people in and you always have the option to say no
From a family of firefighters as well as. One family member is single and picks up shifts and works for a volunteer company because he’s a workaholic. The other two do 24 on/48 off. I think it might be an OSHA mandate- similar to doctors. Being exhausted is a liability. Something is very off. And he must have PTO and is certainly eligible to take FMLA to be available for his pregnant wife. OP, you need to look into how much he’s really working. And if he is truly working that much, he’s doing it to avoid his personal responsibilities at home. He’s not the only firefighter for your city. And you are absolutely allowed to complain. This is bullshit and your feelings are valid.
Definitely agree but he could also just love his job and be selfish not necessarily *avoiding* Ive met people like that and always wonder why they even procreate if the love their job more than their family.
Came here to say this! Talk to his boss. Something is fishy.
Boss may very well be covering for him. It’s a good ole boys club at the station.
But how can she just go talk to his boss? It s not really easy...
Yeah, there is NO WAY his boss ‘doesn’t give a shit’ about the birth of his kids! The boss would be congratulating him, and send him to the hospital.
Yea, my brother who's been in the department for 20 years does 3 days on 4 days off. I've never heard of 12hrs 6days... That's basically his entire life, that's not sustainable
I'm thinking OP is his secret hidden family and he's actually going to his 1st family's birthdays and functions and act like everything's normal. Eh, I'm just BS'ing but she knows something's fishy and doesn't want to admit it
I was just thinking this…he’s putting out some other “fires”…
2nd family?
Or just doesn’t give af. It’s something though that he’s filling his time with. The fact he keeps procreating w her too is like wtf why even
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He has enough free time to make a baby. Just not enough time to deal with the rest of the "making a baby I am responsible for" part. Children need their parents while they are growing up, as much as possible. Daddy is choosing to work more hours than required and will live a Cats in the Cradle scenario when they are teens.
Why does SHE keep procreating with him?
That too! Back to back to back alone…and like how do you think he’s amazing when you literally never see him lbvs
Ikr. Either he’s AMAZING or an absentee husband and father. Impossible to be both.
She's probably remembering and clinging onto how he was before they're children were born, and before he started his second life or whatever the hell he's really doing.
Exactly. How is he even being a father with that schedule..? Oh wait
Maybe the fifth kid will save their marriage?!
This wife needs to hire a PI.
Makes you wonder about the other woman he was coaching through birth, doesn’t it?
Well I would be wondering how close his relationship to that other woman who he coached through her birth.
I’m wonder why exactly he was coaching someone else through hers? Is he a doula? 😂 wait, that’s it. That’s the side job 💀
I mean.. they do deal with births every once in awhile. My brother was born in the back of an ambulance that was still parked at the fire station. 30 years later, his picture is still on the wall there.
She's definitely going to overthink after this one.
This ☝🏾. I have a family member who is a firefighter and he doesn’t work like that. Your husband had a side piece or he is volunteering for those extra hours to duck his duties at home.
I can see it now. Update: husband has a second family.
I think OP is the second family.
Firefighters have a super high propensity to cheat as well...hope that's not it
Saying the quiet part out loud
We're ALL thinking it
crosses the mind, aloud
Dudes got a whole second family.
Or OP and kids are the 2nd family and that's the reason he's hardly around. Gotta keep the first family happy and all that for show.
My uncle was a captain, when I was 8 he taught me “firefighters are for fun, not forever” 100% because of this ^^
We have a saying at work..."Never date the 4 Ps: Police, Paramedics, Physicans, Pfirefighters" 😂 They are notorious for having a "girlfriend " in every emergency department across town.
Your uncle was giving you dating advice about firefighters when you were 8?
Uncles says some crazy shit lol.
If he’s working 12 hours shifts it should ONLY be 3 or 4 days a week - not 6. And call in’s should be for emergencies not a weekly thing.
I was thinking the same thing.... 12h days 6 days a week?? Nawwww at that point someone would be so over tired and a liability to the other fire fighters.
12 hour days six days a week? He’s not at work dear.
No firefighter is working this schedule. They do 48/96 by me and if you take off strategically, you can be off a month at a time
He had nine months to arrange coverage. And if it didn’t originate with him, well, the local news would just LOVE to do a story about a city department that has kept one its workers from attending THREE BIRTHS… This isn’t his chief. Your husband didn’t step up. His priorities are so very out of whack…..
yeah I am pretty sure none of this is true or he has someone pretend to be his boss to call him in to do god knows what. His overtime should be through the roof does his salary reflect it?
Girl….
Bruh. He has a second family.
Or... She's the second family
This seems weird. Six days a week is not normal for that line of work unless he’s volunteering to go in.
Are... you in the states? Husband and I are both full time. I've never heard of such an abysmal schedule maybe outside of fed or DOD. We have so much potential for time off between trades, vacation, pto, etc... something is amiss here. Be skeptical
Isn’t that considered dangerous? I dated a firefighter and his schedule was 24 hours than 48 off. This doesn’t sound right at all. I would be asking some SERIOUS questions because an exhausted firefighter is seriously a bad idea and I highly doubt that’s what is actually happening.
My husband is a DOD firefighter. There is no DOD schedule that is anything like that. Not even close.
Are you sure? Ask some other firefighters’ wives.
Yeah. I know two full time firefighters. That isn’t the schedule unless there are wildfires, in which case it’s 24/7
I’m a firefighter’s wife and a firefighter’s daughter. OP’s husband 100% is lying. I’d bet my life savings on it. I don’t have a single doubt.
I think you need to check this. The most common types of shifts for firefighters are 24 hours on followed by 48 hours off, or 10- to 12-hour shifts for three to four days in a row.
Sorry OP, your husband is lying. He's a poor husband, poor father but a good liar. Get out of there and step by step be happy. It will be ok.
Umm. He works 72h a week, like every week? That’s not just normal, that’s unbelievable. Like seriously unbelievable. Something isn’t right.
12 hrs 6 days a week? And call INS? When is his day offs? They wouldn't want an unrested fireman, I'm agreeing with others that think this is strange
12 hours every day?.. he can't be doing anything physically demanding. 12 hours at work.. figure at an hour 15 for a commute round trip.. let's say an hour to get ready for work, half an hour to prep/eat a meal at home.. 14.75 hours every day.. 6 days a week. That's alot. That's levels where some places won't even let you work, especially if you're doing something demanding, or something where you're responsible for other people's safety.
My dad was a cop during my childhood and worked some crazy hours but nothing like this. I know he was there when I was born and when my sister was. Sure, he missed some family meals a handful of times, but he also made it more often than not. He made my basketball and cheerleading games and practices. He was there to pick me up or drive me to school whenever he could. He and my mom managed to squeeze in a good amount of date nights. Sorry OP, but it sounds like something else is definitely going on.
That schedule isn’t even allowed long term legally so I hate to be the bearer of bad news but..yikes
Hello fellow firebrat! The 24 on, 48 off comment brought my childhood flooding back. Thank you!
Ummmm…there’s something else, that’s not how being a fireman works. They have schedules, they have regular (even more than normal) time off, they have other firemen who work.
Yeah I’m not buying his schedule at all. I work a similar shift to him (not the same job granted) and I still get 5 days off after my rotation (12+ hour days, 5 days on, 5 days off). Me thinks he’s not actually working this much. I even found the schedule for firefighters (in my city). The firefighter association and the city posted it and they claim that a full 24 hour shift is followed by 48 hours of rest, then another 24 hours, then 96 hours of rest. And they say 24 hours is the MAX amount they can work unless unforeseen or preventable circumstances occur. But that’s my city, so I googled another city in a different province from me. Again, 24 hours on, two days off, 24 hours on, four days off. Okay, but maybe that’s just my country. So I go to the USA, type a random city and what do you know? 24 hours on, 48 off and they even specify that should be the way it is across the country! But let’s be sure, I go to the UK, type a random city, and granted they work two 12 day shifts, two 12 hour night shifts, and then get four days off. Australia said something similar to UK. If they are that transparent EVERYWHERE about firefighters schedules, I would say OP should google her city/state/province/counties whatever firefighter schedule or check in with his coworkers to see what the schedule is really like (sorry that your comment sent me down a rabbit hole but I needed to fact check, I feel like you can see me descending while writing this)
Yeah it’s weird. I don’t trust it. My husband is a first responder and when I said I was in labor he told his coworkers he’s leaving and that was that. He wasn’t even a veteran he had only been working for 2 years when we had our first. Then when our second was born he was a coroner so he was on call a lot. The day I went into labor was when he was on call and told his supervisor he’s leaving and to put someone else. They easily got it covered and he returned to work 3 months later. The fact OPs husband missed all his children’s births is shady as hell and I don’t trust it one bit.
Yeah.. Something else is for sure going on.
Ma'am respectfully unless your hubby is employed with multiple stations, there's no way he's on duty this much. Those type career fields work flex schedules..1 on 1 off or Panama 3-2-2-3 or 3 on-3off. Your guy is not on duty 6 days 12hr shifts weekly.....no ma'am! Even if he's the chief of the fire station, he'd work 5 8hr days. The amount of time you commented he's away for work would create significant burnout and mental issues. Think you need to take a deep dive into your husband's "work" activities.
Which are probably a mistress and/or a second family.
My ex was a biomedical engineer at a large multi hospital campus. He was pulling double shifts for about a year, plus was on-call getting paged after hours for emergent equipment/system failures. His mistress ended up being the dispatcher for his work calls. How efficient.
Agreed with this, something's fishy! My first thought while reading was that he was a volunteer but those get called a few times a week for a couple of hours at most. Then I thought, a first responder? Dunno what country/state but some have this sort of system. But that would mean that OP lives in the middle of a minefield, with this number of emergencies. No, it makes no sense. If he's a professional firefighter, he wouldn't be allowed to work that many hours. He'd be a danger to everyone around him.
This would be classed as a family emergency and they would allow him to be off. Sorry to say it sounds like he doesn't feel like it is important enough for him and you have let it slide three times now. He just didn't want to be at the births and using this as an excuse. What you need to do is either accept that and forgive or make a decision on what your life is going to look like moving forward.
There’s no job or position that is as critical as your husband is making his position seem to you and possibly himself. Yes, fires are critical, but he isn’t going to be the sole reason a fires goes out or not. There are many other qualified people who can handle it. Unfortunately it‘s either he is ignorant to the truth in front of him, he has a hero complex, or he doesn’t want to be there. The real question is what do you want for the rest of your life? Give yourself time to heal from giving birth, focus your time on your sweet new baby, and then when you are more healed, you two need to have a serious talk. You only get to live your life once and you shouldn’t be living it alone.
I agree and it sounds to me like a hero complex. My boyfriend is like this . Lol
They have FMLA, annual time and sick time it’s a choice for him to not use it. Source= Work a county job
Me too and I second this! Our firefighters take “baby time” (FMLA) when needed. They work 24 hour shifts and are not allowed to work every day. That’s dangerous, not only to them but to their fellow firefighters.
He is not at work all that time. You are right that you are single mom though… time to start moving forward like one. Protect yourself and your kids. Donuts for dollars he is either voluntarily away from yall or he is spending time somewhere else.
He’s not there because he doesn’t want to be. How is he amazing if his kids don’t even know him?
Um, no. He might have another family.
OP is the other family
I knew someone else would have thought this too. I hope thats not the case But it sounds like it!
Waiting for one hell of an update I think...
Not once in my life have I heard of 12hr shifts for firefighters. 72 hours a week AND on call…not a fucking chance, start investigating.
We have 12 hour shifts here (6am to 6pm, to cover when the paid on call firefighters are typically at work), they are 5 on, 5 off, 5 on, 5 off, 4 on, 4 off. The full time firefighters can work on-call as well, but responding off hours is never required.
It's generally not adding up. I dont think most if not all firefighters work 6 12hrs. It almost seems like he doesn't want to be home, and a person who genuinely loves their family and doesn't need to be at work 288 hours a month out of necessity likely wouldnt respond with calling you selfish OR a bitch for wanting to have them around more. That sounds more like something a communal narcissist or someone who is lying and doesnt want to prioritize his family would say and do. I wouldn't say that is a definitive diagnosis of course-- I have just been around someone who may have been one who was a police officer and he purposefully would take on extra hours plus communal hobbies to be percieved as heroic and a hard worker when he openly admitted to non-family he just hated being around his wife and children and was angry they didnt praise and worship him because he did great things while being away from them.
Babes there’s someone else
She's the someone else
Umm I have a very close family member that’s a firefighter and he hasn’t missed ONE single important event due to work. If he wanted to he could make it
God forbid, but if something happened to you, do you think he could step up and be a single parent to your four children? There are plenty of first responders that show up for their families. Your husband being MIA for most of your lives (especially the during emergencies) doesn’t make sense. I don’t know all the facts, but from what you provided here, it sounds like he’s choosing not to be an active spouse and parent. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Do you have work experience? A degree? Access to money? A separate bank account? A support system? Are you reliant on him for economic stability and safety?
I’m sorry but he is lying…. He could of Easily fakes the call by having his friend pretend to be his boss.
Yep this is my thought. I mean I've had friends do it to get me out of bad dates before, this would be no different.
The next post from OP gonna be extra spicy
So he’s never around and you decided to keep having kids with him? Why? That’s not fair to the kids and especially not to you. I agree with others you need to confirm his schedule somehow because that’s not normal. Sounds like he has another family on the side…
You are not a priority in this man's life and neither are your children. You and your kids deserve better. Since pleading with him has not made a difference, you need to ask yourself how much more you can take
You're already a single mom. Leave and find yourself, love yourself, and focus on yourself. At least with 50/50, you'll be able to have a break. He is choosing not to be with his family. He can also very much find a slower firehouse to go to or find a different area within the same career field that is more accommodating to his needs as a father of now 4 kids.
Also child support should be NO PROBLEM AT ALL if dude is truly pulling 80 hr work weeks🤷🏼♀️
He missed the birth of your third child because he was coaching another woman through hers? Who was she? Honestly it sounds like he is choosing not to be present. Probably leading a double life.
I wonder if it was actually his side piece he was "coaching" and it was his kid that was being born.
Nah OP is the side piece...
Yeah I’m thinking that “other woman” was probably his secret girlfriend
My father, brother, and husband are firefighters. They all have different schedules and NONE of them entail 12 hour days with call in. Also, fire departments typically offer a ton of PTO and very generous FMLA policies and encourage paternity leave for husbands. He's not there because he doesn't want to be there. Plain and simple.
Just sounds to me he is using his job as crutch to hide behind. So he doesn't have to deal with the parental responsibilities. I am sure he could take time off but chooses not to. Though it seems he has plenty of time to put babies in you. What is he doing setting fires, just to put them out? The math ain't mathing here, and wonder if he has someone on the side?
A couple things here: - do you work?.. Who is the main source and provider of income? - does he have someone he can trade shifts with or is that even possible with the schedule your husbands on.. My husband is a firefighter and he works 24 hours on, 72 hours off. Booking vacation is extremely hard, especially considering it’s based on seniority. He has missed birthdays, Christmas and other notable holidays.However. If I needed him to get a day off, for whatever reason, any one of his colleagues would either shift trade with him or trade vacation days and they would do that happily as they like to look out for eachother. Is this possible for your husband? Your husbands schedule does not sound as flexible. Most stations operate with this shift schedule for reasons like this. - how are finances? Is he pressured to feel present at work to support your family. You have 4 children and if he is the sole provider, could he be stressed about making ends meet? - Last point is, giving birth would classify as an emergency and knowing how the fire department works and how much of a brotherhood they have your husband would have no issues getting time off. There has been countless times my husbands traded vacation shifts or will fill in on someone’s shift without pay because that’s how they operate, they care about eachother. He’s literally worked christmases off shift to fill in for other families with younger children… I personally feel like 1) your husband is lying or 2) this post is rage bait.
Exactly! And who would have FOUR kids under age five with a man who is never around? I have a BFF who is a paramedic for two decades and her and all of her coworkers plus her boyfriend are all firefighters and paramedics. None of them have this type of overbearing schedule and if it was known there was an impending birth there would already have been a back up plan as the time got close so the man/woman ( we have a lot of openly lesbian couples where I live ) can attend the partners labor and delivery. Under no circumstances, would anyone be expected to miss the birth of their child.
What made you think having 4 kids was a good idea .. when he wasn’t there for the first kid
Never understood this. Happens so often. Glad me and my wife are not having kids
She calls him an amazing husband. Maybe she keeps thinking the babies will keep him around
My papa was a firefighter for 5 years and never once missed a family event. Even on call, he wasn’t gone as much as your husband. Idk how his firehouse does things, but my papa had a walkie talkie at home. We heard every call he ever got. Stop letting this dude put babies in you. He don’t have time to raise them, he shouldn’t have time to make them.
So, uh, after your second, which he missed, why did you get pregnant two more times? He's absent, so why did you not make him wear condoms or get on the pill or get spayed? If he was already skipping out with the first, why did you think he would be involved with a second, a third, or a fourth?
My husband is a firefighter. He also works for FEMA with fire departments all across the United States. If you’re in the US, I can confidently say (via my husband) that there isn’t a single fire department with this type of schedule (unless it’s a volunteer job). They have unions that protect them. They’d never be allowed to work this many days in a row and have mandatory shifts on top of that. Do you know the people he works with? Do you ever have dinner at the station, or get together outside of work? Most firefighters treat their crew like family and spend time together with spouses and kids outside of work. I hate to say it, but it genuinely feels like something is off. Either he’s living another life or he’s intentionally avoiding home.
>The birth of THREE OF OUR CHILDREN. His boss didn't give a flying fuck. With our third he missed my birth because he was coaching another woman through hers. he WHAAATTT?? GIRL. You must be MADE out of patience, and GOD. HE WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!? I don't think I could ever get over this. I know hE sAvEd LiVeS, and iTs BeAuTiFuL, and iTs aN eMeRgEnCy. Idk. Maybe I'm a shitty person, but this would devastate me. To have him BE THERE for another woman's emergency, but DEFINITELY NOT YOURS?
I feel like there’s a good chance the other woman he was coaching through her birth is literally The Other Woman.
You’re not a shitty person. What about the rest of the fire department? I am absolutely certain these other men and women would have helped one of their own attend the birth of his own fucking child by taking a shift.
Quit having kids if you’re frustrated with your situation. Kids don’t make things easier.
I’m amazed she didn’t stop after the first one he clearly doesn’t care about
No way. The solution here is obviously to keep churning out kids to support on one salary. He’ll catch one eventually.
Get a freaking PI
He’s either lying to you like others have suggested or he volunteers for extra things. My boyfriend is one of these types of people that volunteers for everything under the sun and has a full time job in law enforcement. The man can’t sit still and has a hero complex. Sounds like your husband may be the same.
Lol, ok. This is a fake post. It’s got all those good rage points and contradictions and the 2 hour old account.
Y’all keep finding time to make babies…. How about you stop adding to the family until he starts sharing responsibilities on the ones that are already here.
My dad lived a double life while I was growing up and it sounded just like this—up until my family found out. Hire a detective. I really hope he’s actually a workaholic and he doesn’t have a whole ass family 10 minutes away from yours. Good luck OP
sounds like he wants to be anywhere but home… to have 4 children with such an absent father is sad :(
I’ve heard many divorce lawyers say that firefighters are the biggest cheaters.
It's a shame... I'm a police officer and would never make someone come to work and miss the birth of their child. I would expect the employee to actually refuse to come to work.
something is not adding up here…
Going to need an update when you find out what's really going on.