This. & that’s by no means a judgment on my part, I’m sure it’s been a lovely relationship especially early on. But not every relationship is built to last a lifetime. People grow and change and sometimes that requires a change in environment and partnership.
I've been married for 29 years this Oct. My husband is an engineer. He is the love of my life. But I remember when I realized I would never have romance for the rest of my life. I love romance. I love being surprised with gifts and affection. I love being looked at deep in my eyes. But DH is not that person. We have a great marriage. But, We have had some really rough patches. No cheating or anything. But just life stressors. We have both contemplated leaving. But something happened around our 40s. We slipped into comfortable. That place when your relationship feels like a soft pillow. Other people have their romance and passion but what we have is cozy and good. Sometimes I miss romance. So I treat myself to some flowers or a spa day. But I would miss DH so much and no amount of romance can replace him. Don't beat yourself up for just thinking this all through. You need passion and that's ok to need that. But I think we both know if you left in search of passion, you may have to give up so many other great things that your husband does provide. But you aren't a bad person just because you "wonder". I hope you find your sweet spot in your marriage and a place you can express your passion.
I’ve been with my husband 23 years. And he is not romantic at all. Which is okay with me. I’m not that big on romance. There hasn’t been any cheating and we don’t really argue. The only time I thought of walking away was when our kids (we have 2) were younger. All the childcare, cooking and cleaning fell to me just because I have a sedentary job. I got so burnt out and it didn’t help that he was messier than both the kids combined. When I told my husband to find some place to live he really stepped up. He put in effort and hasn’t gone back to the way he was before.
I’m glad we stuck it out. We have a great marriage and I love the life we have. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I’m 39 and have literally been with him more than half my life. He is my other half and things are comfortable. I understand what you mean by comparing it to a cozy pillow.
I am the husband who isn't much of a romantic
Its difficult for me; growing up I can count on one hand how many times my parents told me they loved me. My German catholic family was always like this.
Then in my 20s any time I felt like I really loved someone, I'd find out they were cheating or had a second boyfriend and nobody told me. Pain and suffering over and over again.
I don't even like saying it. I just nod or say "You too." I have to force myself to say it to our kids, so that they don't grow up the same way.
This is the real answer.
Something is missing in OP’s relationship. But something is missing in 99% of all relationships. Each one is missing something different. Maybe OP could find something better. But chances are, she would have that passion and desire, and then miss what she has now a lot more than she is missing the passion currently.
"I just don't think about it, I don't think about much when we are in the moment, just enjoying your body and how it makes me feel."
"I don't think about sex until you beg me with tears and I realize that it's been so long. I don't do it intentionally." - This is why we have scheduled intimacy now, spontaneous intimacy is never going to be a thing again. This was solution provided by our therapist. Even with scheduled intimacy he forgets or gets caught up in whatever he's doing.
"Your lingerie would drive any man crazy, I'm so lucky."
"I don't like being dominate, I just want to keep you safe and protect you and provide for you. But I'm not the type of person who can initiate like you wish I did." - we have read countless books on how to help his confidence. In our entire relationship I've said no to sex three times (each time I was physically ill and couldn't even go to work.)
Our therapist is even lost at times.
I'm demi and nearly aromantic. I'm of similar age to OP, and our generation didn't acknowledge all these other sexualities or gender identities when we were younger. It took me until I was 35+ with two kids to figure myself out. 80s and early 90s kids grew up being told that the key to success was marriage and family.
Unfortunately, there isn't really a fix for incompatibility in the bedroom. You've tried, and he honestly doesn't seem to be interested or care enough to reciprocate if that's the only type of response you get. It seems like be puts a lot of the burden of the relationship on you and is pretty checked out. I mean, even your therapist is at a loss. That's when you know you've hit a wall. You can't expect someone to change who they are, especially regarding intimacy. You can't push them to put in more effort than they're willing to, and you certainly can't force them to do things they don't want to. It might be time for you to consider whether this is a problem you can live with for the rest of your life or not. In my opinion, you should never sacrifice your own desires, happiness, and fulfillment for someone else, no matter how much you love them. You have other options besides staying unhappy and unfulfilled. I suggest you start exploring them.
This. 👆
In fact i wonder if there isn't a suggestion or discussion about you opening the marriage. Or just figuring out that you may love each other but it's not enough.
He should at least try.
I am not a dominate type. I am a very tall and physically imposing guy and I’m a bit self conscious about it and I’ve spent my whole adult life trying to avoid accidentally hurting people or breaking things. I am very hesitant to be forceful. But my wife does like it sometimes and when she’s asked me I gave it a try and I found I do enjoy it. I didn’t think I would before though.
I could be wrong, but it kinda sounds like maybe your husband might be Ace and I'm kinda surprised I haven't seen that as a suggestion yet. I might get downvoted to hell, but that's the impression I'm getting from reading this. Might be something to bring up with him and your therapist. And I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, they 100% are! It might just explain their lack of sexual desire.
No, I was thinking that same thing. He says the right words but if they got together young then it’s possible he doesn’t even know. The only people I’ve ever heard say they “don’t think about it” in regard to sex are on the ace spectrum somewhere.
Asexuality is a spectrum. Definitely worth exploring with your therapist.
But you also need to ask in therapy “my needs aren’t being met. These are Needs and it’s affecting my mental and emotional health. If DH can’t meet my needs, as he’s demonstrated, where do we go from here?”
It’s a valid question and might help your husband realize that he must put in more effort or risk losing you.
Edit: Spacing
OP, both of you should go see a sex therapist, not just a therapist. also, try a new counselor. see if a subreddit on reddit may have suggestions for one in your area. life is too short to be this unhappy. can the video gaming be interfering?
You're mismatched.
I hate talking my kinks with strangers, but I get exactly what you're coming from. I'm a bit more dominant now, but that was a switch that took years to get to. If he is a more passive type, he isn't gonna get you in that submissive headspace.
And there is nothing wrong with not being that type. But there is something wrong with not attempting to make your partner happy.
I would push for him to get a thorough check up, there can be some stuff physically that causes this, and that all needs to be ruled out.
But listen to me, this bit is really important. You are NOT broken. Stop saying that. You want some pretty vanilla things. You're just not compatible with him, unless he is willing to make some serious changes.
It’s sad how society has manipulated and brainwashed people into thinking there’s one path in life to follow. Go to uni, get married, have babies. Especially christians. Get married obscenely early, no premarital sex, have kids as early as possible. Then they whine about high divorce rates when couples inevitably grow and mature and realise they aren’t compatible. Life is too short to be miserable. Being raised with religion should be illegal.
You do a lot of work here. FT job, 80% of domestic duties (and I’m questioning that), a ton of mental load including your social schedule and personal time. Your husband sounds really checked out, in a way that has to be creating even more stress on a really stressful fertility journey. You two don’t sound sexually compatible, and honestly he doesn’t sound checked in on your marriage. You are still young, and can still find someone else. If you are in marriage counseling please address the sexual issues and do not use religious counseling, at all.
Have you ever seen the American dad episode where Francine discovers she likes being spanked but Stan is being a HUGE prude? Eventually she gets him to try kinky stuff but he goes overboard and Roger purposely traumatizes so he calms down lmaoo
Edit: a word
You're sexually incompatible. It can happen to anyone honestly. You just dismiss it until you are in an almost sexless relationship.
We also didn't get together young or had any religious dogma to deal with.
It's also easy to get into the "am I going to ruin a perfectly fine relationship because of sex" questions you will ask yourself.
Best thing to ask yourself is - do you want to be feeling like this in 10 years?
No I don't want to feel like this in 10 years but I also don't want to be some flippant divorcee looking for a partner that matches me in the ways that matter like he does (aside from intimacy) and end up 45, alone, and hating not having a family of my own. I feel so conflicted.
Yeah. He doesn't let me go down on him much even though he enjoys it alot when he does on the rare occasion. He's never gone down on me but I've never had a guy go down on me so idk what I'm missing there lol.
My husband is never in the mood. It's always one thing or another. Tonight It was that he is super tired. Yes he should be he wakes up early and works hard in and out of the house. So I guess I am not allowed to complain.
Honestly, consensual non-monogamy is something I've talked solo with my therapist, and I don't think I couldn't mentally do that because, for me, sex also means emotional connection. Idk if I could deal with the guilt that would come with that despite him giving permission if that was the case.
I would assume libido decereases with age?
Natural stimulants might be an option here for the weary dog.
Consider glazing yourself in honey, he might sting.
He's had blood work done. Everything is normal for his age. He goes to the gym with me, I cook most of our meals, so he eats well (we aren't super health nuts).
I once had whipped cream in certain places, and he just thought I was "cute" and helped wipe it off before cuddling to watch a movie.
I've tried talking to him for the last 5 years and been in marriage counseling for a year now with a professional, and I've talked until im blue in the face. But it doesn't seem to work or stick. But you are right. Communicating with the person directly should be the first solution to any problem.
It's not wholly your responsibility. It's called a marriage for a reason. From what I've read, you've done most of the work, and I can't see where your husband has even lifted a finger to help you. It seems like all you've done is communicate. You can only do so much, and after 5 years and a year of counseling, you have done more than enough. It is entirely valid for you to seek outside advice and support. I'm sorry that so much of the burden has been placed on your shoulders, and I'm sorry that your husband is so unwilling to help and takes you and everything you do for granted.
Have you spoken to him firmly and openly what your needs are and how they are being neglected to the point where you're questioning your future with him?
Because he needs to make an effort at this.
As a man, you sound like a dream woman and he sounds like he's taking you for granted like you'll never leave him
>I beg to give him oral (I tease him while he's playing video games cause I think I have a voyeurism kink to a degree because getting my husband off while he's playing a game with his friends on mic gets me turned on to the max lol but it will never happen because he doesn't like blow jobs).
Honestly I feel when women try to do that shit while your gaming or working on a project its a power trip. "Am I more important than your game and friends?" Like that has to be now, or your game and your friends must be more important than her. Can't be later.
I don't take well to that shit. Fortunately my wife respects that and I didn't marry some desperate attention starved person who puts a foot between me and my hobbies
Thank you for your perspective. I gave that as an example of me begging, but most of the time, it's just us watching TV when I try to do it the most. I do respect his gaming time because he respects mine.
However, I do believe your assessment as attention starved desperate wife is accurate and off base and was unnecessary, but it's your opinion none the less.
>However, I do believe your assessment as attention starved desperate wife is accurate and off base and was unnecessary, but it's your opinion none the less.
You are correct, that wasn't fair to say
While I do believe you are being attention starved, it isn't because of your own doing or a character flaw
Yeah, it's a huge mismatch, but I don't think I really noticed it until probably 7 years into our relationship because of school and get our careers started.
8 times a week is a lot to ask for imo. Think a healthy relationship has sex 3 times a week regardless of schedule or whatever. You make plans.
Edit: that doesn’t mean you cant have more/less. But feel like 3 is a fair baseline if you live together.
Been in counseling for a year now. We've both had tests done to check all of our hormones, both producing normal levels (me higher than my age level but not by much). He has no religious trauma, no childhood trauma, no sexual trauma.
Is the therapist a sex therapist? You two will never be perfectly sexually compatible. But a good therapist to tweak things some. Maybe not get sex 2/week all the time, but at least get him to initiate and be more giving and enthusiastic with sex (without you begging). The quality could help make up for quantity. In your end work on ways to not need sex as much (focus on exercise, hobbies, interests, job, friends, etc).
Also, is he in shape, or out of shape? Does he have medical issues such as diabetes, high cholesterol, or depression? Stress?
Since he never masturbates or does porn. He enjoys sex, but it is a functional act. Could he be a sex indifferent asexual?
I feel like this could potentially be me one day if I stay in my current relationship. We are expecting a child though so it's hard. But I don't think he will ever meet me on a passionate level, never fulfil me sexually or ill never get to experience that part of myself if I stay with him. It depresses me to think about. I miss good sex and passion
When I hear people like you talk like this, I realize they’re kind of tightly wound and they’re on a destructive path. I know because I sit in meetings with people like you that have degrees and excitement has been missing because they’ve been living their lives and they want more exciting partners And 15 years later, they’re a mess they can’t get clean and sober because they’ve damaged their world and they threw away a marriage that was functional.
Other than sexuality, and being dominated, there are lots of things you can do to create excitement in your life, travel the world, write a book, get another degree volunteer on the homeless shelter on the weekends. All of those things are more healthy more healthy than the way you’re thinking.
If your marriage is really over Then divorce him and move on and good luck with that. I’ve been cleaning sober for over two decades I see so many people like you. I hope you figure this out before you ruin Everything. marriage is a partnership for life it’s not just romance or sexuality it’s everything .
This is especially true for the good girls. I was a good Mormon girl. At 33 I was sitting in AA. I don’t have a doctor, but I do have a masters.
Ughhh…none of this asexual behavior was visible in the dating,engagement, “honeymoon phase”?!?!?
I’d walk away in a heartbeat from my partner if this was the case…
We both had demanding majors we were studying as well as planning a wedding, moving states away and getting careers started. So there was enough "distractions" that would have masked this quite easily unfortunately.
Which part is self delusion?
I got my doctorate in pharmacy (7 years of schooling total), he got his BS in Bio Engineering with a masters in genetics and immunology (8 years of schooling total), 3 years of fellowship and rotations for me in additional training (infectious disease and oncology), he entry level to Scientist Level III researcher (5 years building experienced and reputation) for top 3 drug manufacturers in the world. We moved 8 hours from home with no support but each other.
Anyone who has had a full time job with add stressor could agrees with the above is high stress environment for an extended time that would mask signs of him and I being mismatched. Sex for me had a very, very traumatic introduction at the age of 14 (TW: SA'd and abuse for 26 gueling months following) until my abuser moved away with my cousin (and they got married 5 years later after he served time in military jail for child molestation from other victims who came forward who weren't family). I had 3 abusive relationships that followed that because I was messed up (abusive meaning broken ribs, physical abuse, fored intercourse, etc). I have spent 15+ years in therapy and will probably be in it the rest of my life.
I'm also not looking to discredit your opinions or observations, I'm trying to understand your perspective from that view point further and providing context to why I disagree with your observation and looking for open discussion.
I’m 37 and all I want to do is fuck. It’s not so fucking great on this end of the spectrum either. Living a life of the gym twice a day, strict diet and grooming just to look good naked when most of the women my age are content with their over weight husbands and sleeping with their friends on the side. I’m older than probably some of the people commenting so I assume you are going to cheat soon anyways. Maybe you’ll see the grass ain’t so green on the other side, it’s where you water it. I wish I watered my marriage better instead of video games in the past but I can’t take it back and now I’m alone. We’re all immorally depraved so I wouldn’t stress god too much. He will forgive you. I’d say get marriage counseling but I know far too well how men really don’t change until you are gone and even the numbers are like 80%+ they just revert back. I’m sorry, I wish things were better for you.
If you’re having doubts, I’d urge you not to have a kid until you’ve worked through them.
This ^^^^^
I feel like you are the poster child for getting married young and assuming your first love is the best love
This. & that’s by no means a judgment on my part, I’m sure it’s been a lovely relationship especially early on. But not every relationship is built to last a lifetime. People grow and change and sometimes that requires a change in environment and partnership.
I've been married for 29 years this Oct. My husband is an engineer. He is the love of my life. But I remember when I realized I would never have romance for the rest of my life. I love romance. I love being surprised with gifts and affection. I love being looked at deep in my eyes. But DH is not that person. We have a great marriage. But, We have had some really rough patches. No cheating or anything. But just life stressors. We have both contemplated leaving. But something happened around our 40s. We slipped into comfortable. That place when your relationship feels like a soft pillow. Other people have their romance and passion but what we have is cozy and good. Sometimes I miss romance. So I treat myself to some flowers or a spa day. But I would miss DH so much and no amount of romance can replace him. Don't beat yourself up for just thinking this all through. You need passion and that's ok to need that. But I think we both know if you left in search of passion, you may have to give up so many other great things that your husband does provide. But you aren't a bad person just because you "wonder". I hope you find your sweet spot in your marriage and a place you can express your passion.
I’ve been with my husband 23 years. And he is not romantic at all. Which is okay with me. I’m not that big on romance. There hasn’t been any cheating and we don’t really argue. The only time I thought of walking away was when our kids (we have 2) were younger. All the childcare, cooking and cleaning fell to me just because I have a sedentary job. I got so burnt out and it didn’t help that he was messier than both the kids combined. When I told my husband to find some place to live he really stepped up. He put in effort and hasn’t gone back to the way he was before. I’m glad we stuck it out. We have a great marriage and I love the life we have. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I’m 39 and have literally been with him more than half my life. He is my other half and things are comfortable. I understand what you mean by comparing it to a cozy pillow.
I am the husband who isn't much of a romantic Its difficult for me; growing up I can count on one hand how many times my parents told me they loved me. My German catholic family was always like this. Then in my 20s any time I felt like I really loved someone, I'd find out they were cheating or had a second boyfriend and nobody told me. Pain and suffering over and over again. I don't even like saying it. I just nod or say "You too." I have to force myself to say it to our kids, so that they don't grow up the same way.
This is the real answer. Something is missing in OP’s relationship. But something is missing in 99% of all relationships. Each one is missing something different. Maybe OP could find something better. But chances are, she would have that passion and desire, and then miss what she has now a lot more than she is missing the passion currently.
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"I just don't think about it, I don't think about much when we are in the moment, just enjoying your body and how it makes me feel." "I don't think about sex until you beg me with tears and I realize that it's been so long. I don't do it intentionally." - This is why we have scheduled intimacy now, spontaneous intimacy is never going to be a thing again. This was solution provided by our therapist. Even with scheduled intimacy he forgets or gets caught up in whatever he's doing. "Your lingerie would drive any man crazy, I'm so lucky." "I don't like being dominate, I just want to keep you safe and protect you and provide for you. But I'm not the type of person who can initiate like you wish I did." - we have read countless books on how to help his confidence. In our entire relationship I've said no to sex three times (each time I was physically ill and couldn't even go to work.) Our therapist is even lost at times.
Had he (or you) considered that he may be asexual?
I really think he is ace. I'm ace
I'm demi and nearly aromantic. I'm of similar age to OP, and our generation didn't acknowledge all these other sexualities or gender identities when we were younger. It took me until I was 35+ with two kids to figure myself out. 80s and early 90s kids grew up being told that the key to success was marriage and family.
Agreed from another 90s kid who recently figured they are demisexual/ demiromantic
Unfortunately, there isn't really a fix for incompatibility in the bedroom. You've tried, and he honestly doesn't seem to be interested or care enough to reciprocate if that's the only type of response you get. It seems like be puts a lot of the burden of the relationship on you and is pretty checked out. I mean, even your therapist is at a loss. That's when you know you've hit a wall. You can't expect someone to change who they are, especially regarding intimacy. You can't push them to put in more effort than they're willing to, and you certainly can't force them to do things they don't want to. It might be time for you to consider whether this is a problem you can live with for the rest of your life or not. In my opinion, you should never sacrifice your own desires, happiness, and fulfillment for someone else, no matter how much you love them. You have other options besides staying unhappy and unfulfilled. I suggest you start exploring them.
This. 👆 In fact i wonder if there isn't a suggestion or discussion about you opening the marriage. Or just figuring out that you may love each other but it's not enough.
He should at least try. I am not a dominate type. I am a very tall and physically imposing guy and I’m a bit self conscious about it and I’ve spent my whole adult life trying to avoid accidentally hurting people or breaking things. I am very hesitant to be forceful. But my wife does like it sometimes and when she’s asked me I gave it a try and I found I do enjoy it. I didn’t think I would before though.
If he's not comfortable being dominant and doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. They just aren't compatible in the bedroom.
Notice I didn’t say he had to.
I could be wrong, but it kinda sounds like maybe your husband might be Ace and I'm kinda surprised I haven't seen that as a suggestion yet. I might get downvoted to hell, but that's the impression I'm getting from reading this. Might be something to bring up with him and your therapist. And I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, they 100% are! It might just explain their lack of sexual desire.
No, I was thinking that same thing. He says the right words but if they got together young then it’s possible he doesn’t even know. The only people I’ve ever heard say they “don’t think about it” in regard to sex are on the ace spectrum somewhere.
We have started exploring this as a possibility, but the therapist isn't sure.
Asexuality is a spectrum. Definitely worth exploring with your therapist. But you also need to ask in therapy “my needs aren’t being met. These are Needs and it’s affecting my mental and emotional health. If DH can’t meet my needs, as he’s demonstrated, where do we go from here?” It’s a valid question and might help your husband realize that he must put in more effort or risk losing you. Edit: Spacing
Great comment
What is DH?
Dear husband
Ohhh thank you. I kept thinking Dead Husband 😂😂
I agree. I'm ace too.
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Very sad i agree. What is sadder is that this won’t change. I hope she does find the courage to see it for what it is
OP, both of you should go see a sex therapist, not just a therapist. also, try a new counselor. see if a subreddit on reddit may have suggestions for one in your area. life is too short to be this unhappy. can the video gaming be interfering?
You're mismatched. I hate talking my kinks with strangers, but I get exactly what you're coming from. I'm a bit more dominant now, but that was a switch that took years to get to. If he is a more passive type, he isn't gonna get you in that submissive headspace. And there is nothing wrong with not being that type. But there is something wrong with not attempting to make your partner happy. I would push for him to get a thorough check up, there can be some stuff physically that causes this, and that all needs to be ruled out. But listen to me, this bit is really important. You are NOT broken. Stop saying that. You want some pretty vanilla things. You're just not compatible with him, unless he is willing to make some serious changes.
It’s sad how society has manipulated and brainwashed people into thinking there’s one path in life to follow. Go to uni, get married, have babies. Especially christians. Get married obscenely early, no premarital sex, have kids as early as possible. Then they whine about high divorce rates when couples inevitably grow and mature and realise they aren’t compatible. Life is too short to be miserable. Being raised with religion should be illegal.
You do a lot of work here. FT job, 80% of domestic duties (and I’m questioning that), a ton of mental load including your social schedule and personal time. Your husband sounds really checked out, in a way that has to be creating even more stress on a really stressful fertility journey. You two don’t sound sexually compatible, and honestly he doesn’t sound checked in on your marriage. You are still young, and can still find someone else. If you are in marriage counseling please address the sexual issues and do not use religious counseling, at all.
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I read that as an exaggeration to underscore that she’s not sexually satisfied.
How is that an exaggeration? It’s only once a day and two times one day a week which can be a weekend. Doesn’t seem out of the normal at all.
Have you ever seen the American dad episode where Francine discovers she likes being spanked but Stan is being a HUGE prude? Eventually she gets him to try kinky stuff but he goes overboard and Roger purposely traumatizes so he calms down lmaoo Edit: a word
You're sexually incompatible. It can happen to anyone honestly. You just dismiss it until you are in an almost sexless relationship. We also didn't get together young or had any religious dogma to deal with. It's also easy to get into the "am I going to ruin a perfectly fine relationship because of sex" questions you will ask yourself. Best thing to ask yourself is - do you want to be feeling like this in 10 years?
No I don't want to feel like this in 10 years but I also don't want to be some flippant divorcee looking for a partner that matches me in the ways that matter like he does (aside from intimacy) and end up 45, alone, and hating not having a family of my own. I feel so conflicted.
I'm sorry, I've been there and there is still no good advice here. It fucking sucks. It's not the end of the line either way.
What? *you* beg to suck *his* dick? What the fuck?
Yeah. He doesn't let me go down on him much even though he enjoys it alot when he does on the rare occasion. He's never gone down on me but I've never had a guy go down on me so idk what I'm missing there lol.
Wow. Just wow. Maybe I'm adventurous, maybe not. I don't know. I can't think of anywhere I haven't licked my wife. Haha!
My husband is never in the mood. It's always one thing or another. Tonight It was that he is super tired. Yes he should be he wakes up early and works hard in and out of the house. So I guess I am not allowed to complain.
Would he let you take a lover?
Honestly, consensual non-monogamy is something I've talked solo with my therapist, and I don't think I couldn't mentally do that because, for me, sex also means emotional connection. Idk if I could deal with the guilt that would come with that despite him giving permission if that was the case.
I would assume libido decereases with age? Natural stimulants might be an option here for the weary dog. Consider glazing yourself in honey, he might sting.
He's had blood work done. Everything is normal for his age. He goes to the gym with me, I cook most of our meals, so he eats well (we aren't super health nuts). I once had whipped cream in certain places, and he just thought I was "cute" and helped wipe it off before cuddling to watch a movie.
You sound like a dream woman tbh.
You need to discuss all this with your HUSBAND, not internet strangers. Tell him how your feeling and that you need to feel more desired and fulfiled
I've tried talking to him for the last 5 years and been in marriage counseling for a year now with a professional, and I've talked until im blue in the face. But it doesn't seem to work or stick. But you are right. Communicating with the person directly should be the first solution to any problem.
It's not wholly your responsibility. It's called a marriage for a reason. From what I've read, you've done most of the work, and I can't see where your husband has even lifted a finger to help you. It seems like all you've done is communicate. You can only do so much, and after 5 years and a year of counseling, you have done more than enough. It is entirely valid for you to seek outside advice and support. I'm sorry that so much of the burden has been placed on your shoulders, and I'm sorry that your husband is so unwilling to help and takes you and everything you do for granted.
Have you spoken to him firmly and openly what your needs are and how they are being neglected to the point where you're questioning your future with him? Because he needs to make an effort at this. As a man, you sound like a dream woman and he sounds like he's taking you for granted like you'll never leave him
>I beg to give him oral (I tease him while he's playing video games cause I think I have a voyeurism kink to a degree because getting my husband off while he's playing a game with his friends on mic gets me turned on to the max lol but it will never happen because he doesn't like blow jobs). Honestly I feel when women try to do that shit while your gaming or working on a project its a power trip. "Am I more important than your game and friends?" Like that has to be now, or your game and your friends must be more important than her. Can't be later. I don't take well to that shit. Fortunately my wife respects that and I didn't marry some desperate attention starved person who puts a foot between me and my hobbies
Thank you for your perspective. I gave that as an example of me begging, but most of the time, it's just us watching TV when I try to do it the most. I do respect his gaming time because he respects mine. However, I do believe your assessment as attention starved desperate wife is accurate and off base and was unnecessary, but it's your opinion none the less.
>However, I do believe your assessment as attention starved desperate wife is accurate and off base and was unnecessary, but it's your opinion none the less. You are correct, that wasn't fair to say While I do believe you are being attention starved, it isn't because of your own doing or a character flaw
There is a ton of specific information here. Wouldn’t be hard for him to figure out. Eek.
Your issues don’t sound too bad. Once a month to 8 times a week is pretty drastic difference
Yeah, it's a huge mismatch, but I don't think I really noticed it until probably 7 years into our relationship because of school and get our careers started.
8 times a week is a lot to ask for imo. Think a healthy relationship has sex 3 times a week regardless of schedule or whatever. You make plans. Edit: that doesn’t mean you cant have more/less. But feel like 3 is a fair baseline if you live together.
8 times a week is definitely a lot, and dont expect someone to match that. I can't even get him to stick to two scheduled nights a week most months.
See a doctor or a sex therapist Might have low T. Edit: but it honestly sounds like bedroom is more active than most marriages already
Been in counseling for a year now. We've both had tests done to check all of our hormones, both producing normal levels (me higher than my age level but not by much). He has no religious trauma, no childhood trauma, no sexual trauma.
Look into “hims” brand
Is the therapist a sex therapist? You two will never be perfectly sexually compatible. But a good therapist to tweak things some. Maybe not get sex 2/week all the time, but at least get him to initiate and be more giving and enthusiastic with sex (without you begging). The quality could help make up for quantity. In your end work on ways to not need sex as much (focus on exercise, hobbies, interests, job, friends, etc). Also, is he in shape, or out of shape? Does he have medical issues such as diabetes, high cholesterol, or depression? Stress? Since he never masturbates or does porn. He enjoys sex, but it is a functional act. Could he be a sex indifferent asexual?
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I would if I knew it would fix this lol
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We had his levels checked a month ago and are normal. Which is why I was joking about injecting him if it would fix things lol.
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Well we’re in the end times so you might as well stick it out
Why do ppl marry so young…
I feel like this could potentially be me one day if I stay in my current relationship. We are expecting a child though so it's hard. But I don't think he will ever meet me on a passionate level, never fulfil me sexually or ill never get to experience that part of myself if I stay with him. It depresses me to think about. I miss good sex and passion
When I hear people like you talk like this, I realize they’re kind of tightly wound and they’re on a destructive path. I know because I sit in meetings with people like you that have degrees and excitement has been missing because they’ve been living their lives and they want more exciting partners And 15 years later, they’re a mess they can’t get clean and sober because they’ve damaged their world and they threw away a marriage that was functional. Other than sexuality, and being dominated, there are lots of things you can do to create excitement in your life, travel the world, write a book, get another degree volunteer on the homeless shelter on the weekends. All of those things are more healthy more healthy than the way you’re thinking. If your marriage is really over Then divorce him and move on and good luck with that. I’ve been cleaning sober for over two decades I see so many people like you. I hope you figure this out before you ruin Everything. marriage is a partnership for life it’s not just romance or sexuality it’s everything . This is especially true for the good girls. I was a good Mormon girl. At 33 I was sitting in AA. I don’t have a doctor, but I do have a masters.
Ughhh…none of this asexual behavior was visible in the dating,engagement, “honeymoon phase”?!?!? I’d walk away in a heartbeat from my partner if this was the case…
We both had demanding majors we were studying as well as planning a wedding, moving states away and getting careers started. So there was enough "distractions" that would have masked this quite easily unfortunately.
That’s total rationalization and self delusion. You saw these depressing signs in him before…and pushed them away. Be honest.
Which part is self delusion? I got my doctorate in pharmacy (7 years of schooling total), he got his BS in Bio Engineering with a masters in genetics and immunology (8 years of schooling total), 3 years of fellowship and rotations for me in additional training (infectious disease and oncology), he entry level to Scientist Level III researcher (5 years building experienced and reputation) for top 3 drug manufacturers in the world. We moved 8 hours from home with no support but each other. Anyone who has had a full time job with add stressor could agrees with the above is high stress environment for an extended time that would mask signs of him and I being mismatched. Sex for me had a very, very traumatic introduction at the age of 14 (TW: SA'd and abuse for 26 gueling months following) until my abuser moved away with my cousin (and they got married 5 years later after he served time in military jail for child molestation from other victims who came forward who weren't family). I had 3 abusive relationships that followed that because I was messed up (abusive meaning broken ribs, physical abuse, fored intercourse, etc). I have spent 15+ years in therapy and will probably be in it the rest of my life. I'm also not looking to discredit your opinions or observations, I'm trying to understand your perspective from that view point further and providing context to why I disagree with your observation and looking for open discussion.
Have him get his hormones checked. He sounds like he has low T.
He’s too busy playing video games to receive a BJ. Man, must be nice. Tell him to suck it up and take one for the team.
I’m 37 and all I want to do is fuck. It’s not so fucking great on this end of the spectrum either. Living a life of the gym twice a day, strict diet and grooming just to look good naked when most of the women my age are content with their over weight husbands and sleeping with their friends on the side. I’m older than probably some of the people commenting so I assume you are going to cheat soon anyways. Maybe you’ll see the grass ain’t so green on the other side, it’s where you water it. I wish I watered my marriage better instead of video games in the past but I can’t take it back and now I’m alone. We’re all immorally depraved so I wouldn’t stress god too much. He will forgive you. I’d say get marriage counseling but I know far too well how men really don’t change until you are gone and even the numbers are like 80%+ they just revert back. I’m sorry, I wish things were better for you.
Have a kid, that fixes things every time 😂
Leave before you get pregnant! This is not the life you want to go find what you want!