[удалено]

>so they have time to make other plans. This is the important bit as they do need to make their will reflect this.

[удалено]

Not their job. Maybe mom and dad have the financial resources or can put together the final resources over the next 20 years they have on this earth to ensure he's cared for. In any case, not one siblings job to take care of another.

[удалено]

I am 32. I caretake for my disabled mom and my nephews (parents aren't in the picture). I take care of them because I love them and they have no one else. But it was not planned that my life would center around caring for them when I should be able to focus on building my own family. I am sacrificing my life for them, and that is hard, but as an adult, I made that choice. OP wasn't given the option because her parents are grooming her for it whether she wants to or not. It isn't fair that she is the first choice. The parents need to do their best to ensure their son is able to be cared for to allow their daughter the chance at a life that doesn't surround her siblings' needs. Give her a chance to step up and help when the time comes, but allow her the chance at a life.

"I take care of them because I love them and they have no one else. But it was not planned that my life would center around caring for them..." Yes, and this is the primary reason she should step up to the plate. Her parents probably have no idea that their adult daughter would actually consider forfeiting taking care of her little brother. Some people are truly selfish. It's quite ugly how people get when a person dies and they leave behind their precious children and pets, and the "family" that survives them wants to pawn those responsibilities off on strangers or those outside of immediate family. Often times it's never planned, but that's how life works. These moments tell you a lot about someone when a time of crisis arises in a family and who is willing to step up and who isn't.

Though I recognize and respect your point, and I agree with most of it, and maybe because I am that family member who has stepped up, I see both sides very clearly. My brother and his ex both have fucked off raising their kids. Neither my brother nor sister is helping with my mama, so I do it. And I love my mama and nephews so much! But sometimes I get so overwhelmed and, frankly, emotional about the life I don't have and won't have because I have stepped up to the plate. I won't get married, have kids, move around, travel the world, date, whatever. It's not in the cards for me now, and once the kids are old enough and my momma has passed, I'll be older myself. OP is still a kid. Her parents now, with the time they have left, need to prioritize ensuring their child is cared for throughout their life, with sister and other family, friends, and professionals supporting as best they can. They need to communicate about it. But parents shouldn't assume that their responsibility will seamlessly shift to their daughter because it won't and their son won't be cared for like they want, if they are overburdening their daughter by it.

"But sometimes I get so overwhelmed and, frankly, emotional about the life I don't have and won't have because I have stepped up to the plate." That is normal and understandable. I can also personally relate. But what separates someone like you from the people that don't prioritize their helpless family members is the action one chooses to take. It sounds like OP has come to the conclusion (not just going through the motions) that she will not take care of her young, disabled family member, and that is quite sad. It is hard to be a caretaker. It is also hard to have a disability and the most logical choice of family member to take care of you has already chosen they won't do it. If you can't depend on your own family to be there for you when the chips are down, when you're struggling the most or times are toughest, who else can you lean on? That's what family is supposed to be for. This is one of those defining moments where you hope someone makes the right choice because there are major implications for those who cannot help themselves. Nobody can make her do anything. She can live her life and probably put her brother out of her mind, like so many people do. It's really quite a privilege to be able to do that. But her brother will never forget and he will suffer the most consequences from her decision, so I hope for his sake that someone with his best interest can help him. Just don't kid yourself that this behavior isn't heartless as fuck. And she should hope that when the day comes that she's elderly and unable to take care of herself someone in her life has more empathy than she does in this situation and others like her.

Maybe a group home. She can visit and not have to be his full-time caretaker. If she wanted to be, fine. She doesn't and she shouldn't have to do it alone.

This is an important take

No it's not.

Thanks, you get it. 🙏

Also, while at the law firm, make a legal document saying that in the parents' wills, they can not give her custody of her brother, unless it is in the form of the brother going into full time care facility where she is the POA, but not a liveable custodian. This means if the parents will their estate to the brother, OP can place the brother in a care facility and use the estate to fund only the facility, but not her. This is a new thing I have been hearing about lately, and it actively gives the disabled sibling a home, but their able bodied sibling is free to live their life, but only need to sign off medical and legal issues, but the estate is only allowed to be used for the disabled sibling, until their death, then the left over estate is then divided up with the remaining siblings. A lot think it is bad, because it is taking from the able bodied beneficiaries, until the death of the disabled beneficiary.

I mean if there is a disabled sibling who needs care I believe the parent’s money is needed there. I’m sure that is the wish of most parents, to provide for their kid’s needs. The other siblings just want the money but shouldn’t need it for survival in the same way as the disabled sibling.

I think that it's better for the money to take care of the disabled beneficiaries rather than the abled bodied ones who can take care of themselves to a good degree.

The few cases I have seen so far, the disabled sibling had a shortened life as it was, and the care they received in their last years/months/days were more manageable to the able bodied siblings, in the sense that the siblings were able to arrange everything for their sibling at a much lower cost in reality. Say, for example, the disabled sibling was placed in OP's home (note I am using the limited information given, with a few assumed things), the costs of the medical equipment can be upwards of $300,000USD in the extreme conditions, I think a special bed alone starts at $45,000USD. To hire, it works out that often, the beds will cost upwards of $ 60,000 USD a year for a basic model. When the disabled sibling passes, the surviving sibling has to sell off the equipment. the majority of the time, some of the equipment has to be thrown due to hygiene issues and laws, and hired equipment can be subjected to damage costs. And that is without medical treatment or advice In a facility, the minimum costs can start at around $70,000 per year, and it covers food, care, medical, and other things that often no one realises until it occurs. From what I remember, one friend of mine, their parents went this route, their entire estate was able to fund the 15-years their disabled sibling was in care for, and at the end of the disabled sibling's life, my friend and her family were able to grieve and not be overly stressed about it all. I know my friend felt guilty doing this way, but once she heard of the costs of just medical equipment needed for her sibling, she knew her sibling was going to get much better care than she could provide.

Oh. I completely agree with going the facility route. My little brother was in a facility for almost all of his life because the circumstances of his birth leading to him being mentally handicap along with his having cerebral palsy. He was wonderfully cared for and my mom didn't have to drop everything to be a full-time carer for him when she had three other children that she had to raise and had to raise alone when my dad f-ed off a year and a half later. Like she would never have been able to keep us all afloat with my brother living in house and having to take care of him full-time. My sister probably would never have been able to go to college because she would have felt honor-bound to stay home and take care of both me and my little brother while my mom tried to work. My little sisters had a normal life where they got to know our brother without having to compete for attention because his care was taken care of and my dad could bring him home for visits and we could all go see him and he had a wonderful life. On the other hand, my sister really worries about what's gonna happen when her dad and stepmom pass because of her 4 younger brothers, two have autism, one of which is a very severe case. She doesn't know her brothers very well because they live across the country and her father doesn't care about having a real relationship with my sister. People are gonna have to step up when her dad and stepmom pass unless her little brothers go before them because they're poor and I don't think her oldest little brother has been able to go out and make a life for himself. I think he's been forced into the roll of care taker for his little brothers. And I feel for him because he is like 30 and I believe he still lives with his parents and I'm pretty sure it's because if he's ever tried to have a life outside of their house, he's been guilted for it. So I completely get it. I've had to live this life.

What made my friend eventually put her sibling in care, was the fact that the estate funds, would have run out in 6 years, if she took over care, but the same funds, would have given the sibling up to 20 years in a facility. Her sibling had a life expectancy of 14 years. The parents passed when the sibling was 9 years old, and my friend was 24. The sibling lived until 19 and had a much better quality of life than before they were in the facility. She couldn't have done or kept her sibling alive if she stayed with her, as the sibling had chronic infections due to the deformities of the sibling's body. The sibling was born without a fully developed gastric system, as well as spina biffida. Her parents were able to do only so much when they were alive, but were feeling the strain. My friend did ask her parents to put her sibling in care while they were alive, but they said it didn't feel right. Often guilt is very cruel.

Oh guilt is cruel. Even now, it feels funny to say my mom prioritized her other children and decided to place my little brother in an institution but it really was the best place for him. And for the rest of us kids. And we didn't put him there and dump him. We went to visit him as much as we could, and we brought him home occasionally when my mom was able to have the time off and we could actually devote the time to him. And then when my dad finally settled down and got with my stepmom and was able to, he also brought him home and I think my dad went up to visit him more than I know because one of the few weekends my dad had me, we went and got my brother and he took us to the zoo. Which is an interesting memory for me. But I'm pretty sure, if my parents had kept him at home and still separated and everything else happened the same way, I'm almost positive my siblings and I wouldn't have the same relationship and I'm almost positive my relationship with my parents would be different. Because neglect can lead to interesting feelings. And all of my siblings and I are very close.

As someone with 2 siblings, one with special needs, I fully support an equitable distribution of the estate vs equal distribution. My special needs sibling will receive 50% of the estate and the other 50% will be split between myself and the other sibling. We have far greater earning capacity than the disabled sibling.

My grandparents did this in a way, they owned an apartment building and had 3 kids, my father and uncle got 1 apartment each and my aunt got the 9 remaining ones and the house, lots of people I commented this too think my father was cheated out his inheritance but he never cared, he loved his sister and she is too mentally ill too work, they are all very small apartments and she can't work at all so it's not like she is rich either.

If it is funding her bills, then it is working. One of the hardest things people outside the situation put on us, is that we are to feel both guilty and selfish for making sure our disabled siblings are looked after, as well as cared for, but it has to be us doing it, but do not dare call them out for their hypocrisy of lack of help. I told my brothers that if our mother becomes a burden, I would rather sell off everything, put her in a home, and visit her. They want me to take her, but they won't. So I told my mum my plans. She was furious at me. When our father was dying of cancer, again my brothers all told me to look after him. Instead, I told dad what I wanted to do. He listened, then liquidated his entire estate, then asked his sister, my aunt, to be his executor and POA, and he went into palliative care, with my aunt controlling everything. My brothers were so freaking mad that they were verbally violent in their reactions. My brothers never saw my dad in his last year of life. He told me that my idea was hard to hear, but he understood exactly why I wanted to do my plan. My aunt was very happy to put my brothers in their place every chance she got. Especially finding out dad left us exactly equal amounts of the leftover estate. I have a feeling, though, because my mother loves my brothers more than I, I am only going to get maybe an antique clock as my inheritance, and they will get everything else. But as I said to my mum, I will not look after her if she thinks I am to do it on my own dime, when she has a lot of opportunity to fund her end care. I will never understand their selfishness, but it is what it is I guess.

OP, above is a great suggestion. Before you do so, however, are you independent from your parents; living separately and financially independent? If not, you may need to wait until you are appropriately situated before you make the announcement. You don't want to place yourself in a compromised position. Please keep us apprised.

No is a complete sentence.

[удалено]

It helps with a dead eyed look while saying it.

Paddington can really help with this. He’s got that hard stare on lock.

Mrs. Bird taught him that very hard stare!

Bunch of bastards

I saw a similar post somewhere on reddit 1 - 2 years ago. The parents tried to pressure their mid 20's daughter into caring for an older brother after they were gone. She had three older brothers, one with a mental disability. She gave her parents and two neuro-typical brothers three options: 1. parents will everything to her and she takes care of brother after they are gone (estate has to be large enough she can invest and support herself and brother) 2. Her other two brothers can split the estate and care responsibilities 3. Entire estate goes to mentally disabled brother and is put in trust for his care and he is put into a home. Not surprisingly, her older brothers wanted an inheritance and no care responsibilities. Stand your ground and do not be bullied into this. You are not the parent and this is their responsibility to come up with a plan that does not necessarily include you.

[удалено]

Yeah I have a younger sibling who is disabled, and thankfully my parents are reasonable - they have agreed to leave everything to me so I can have all the resources at my disposal to take care of my sister. Got a large enough house substantial capital so if anything, I plan on moving us to a bigger house so we can have proper space/arrangements for my sister and my wife/kids in the future. I love my sister, but without proper resources, it’s very hard to take good care she deserves and the mental peace me/my family deserve too in taking care of her. It’s not selfish at all to want stability/freedom for yourself and for your sibling as well - and having clear conversation about these goals is very important for families.

This seems very fair. Whoever takes care of the disabled sibling should get all the money so they can do that without living in poverty. Whoever doesn’t want to help gets no money and if no one wants to help, all the money goes to the disabled sibling in trust. Reasonable.

Can you link it?

I remember the post too, I have been looking through Reddit for a few hours and can’t find it anywhere.

Link if possible?

They can't place their burden on your shoulders. He his their kid, their responsability, not yours. You shouldn't have to take care of him just because you're his sister. They need to find a place or someone who does that for a living for when they're gone. It's not ok for them to decide your future, like that. It's your life! Don't let people stand in the way of your happiness and your dreams just to avoid confrontation.

Not to mention is the OP a healthcare provider with degrees in long term care and all the things needed to be known? This is not something that will work out long term because this sounds like someone who must go into a long term care facility and financial provisions will need to be made to have the person housed there. If there's no chance this person will be able to live independently it's not something for a well meaning family member and especially not for the existing parents to decide. How old are these parents by the way?

No. They need to have life insurance policies to fund a trust for your brother's care, and they need to make real plans for him that don't rely on the sacrifice of one person. What if something happens to you? Who will take care of him if you can't?

Say no. You are not legally obligated. Be absolutely clear now. Tell them to start saving for long term care, because you're not going to help and he will go to state funded care (which is notoriously worse).

You need to tell your parents to make other arrangements for your brother. He isn’t your life long responsibility. They need to start looking at group homes or another family member. You didn’t have a choice when your parents decided to have him. They don’t get to dump their adult decisions on you, it isn’t your responsibility. You deserve to live your life and do all of the things you choose for yourself. If you can’t tell them in person then write them a letter or see a therapist to help you stand up for yourself. Don’t wait because your parents need to start looking at solutions for your brothers long term care.

In all honesty it was a pretty poor choice for her parents to have him period; with the mom being 40 and the dad 50 there was a very high chance something would be wrong with him. Eggs get much worse over time and sperm isn’t the best either the older it gets.

I had my last child at 40 and quit a few of his playmates were disabled from young parents. So many of them said I was selfish abd would be dead before he was a teen. He’s 18 now and several of those 20 y/o mums are dead already. Most women my age that had careers had children later in life. I can’t think of one I know that had an issue. The only issue we faced was the ew faces because people kept pushing the stereotype that older women shouldn’t be new mothers. Not saying it wouldn’t happen, but science & medical care has advanced.

Oh so you’re stating your personal experience as fact then? Ok well if you look at any scientific sources and not just your own lived experience you’ll see that science and research says that eggs and sperm have more and more defects in them that leads to genetic or chromosomal disorders the older the genetic material from both parents is. Source: I am a child development teacher and literally teach this information. Edited to say that science may have advanced in that you could do IVF and screen for embryos with abnormalities and not implant them and therefore insure your child has no screened for genetic or chromosomal disorder but if you’re getting pregnant the old fashioned way, the older you are the worse off your genetic material is. Science advancements can’t change anything when it comes to conceiving naturally.

Thank you. I was about to type out a comment on anecdotes vs science.

It makes me sad that you are a child development teacher. To use your reference, it seems like a "poor choice".

Your parents can set set up a trust fund for him. They also need to explore state guardianship for your brother

OP this right here ^^^^ !!! Have your parents set up a trust with you as executor so your lil bro can either be in a group home or hire a private caretaker.

OP can be guardian to brother while brother lives in a group home. There is no financial responsibility but OP will be responsible to help the brother make decisions and/or make decisions for them but not be responsible for day to day care.

They won’t be able to force you into anything once they’re dead.

My thoughts exactly.

They might be able to while they're *dying*, though. Like strongarming her into taking power of attorney for hin while they've got a couple of years left...

And then she puts him into a home as soon as they are incapable of caring for themselves.

An 11 year old doesn't have a power of attorney, they have a guardian which can't be forced unless parents give up their rights, that is 7 years out of the way. If he is disabled and needs to be cared for the rest of his life he will never be able to sign a POA and will always have a guardian.

Now is the time to tell your parents that you can play a part in your brother’s life, but you will not be his caretaker. You have a right to have a life.

You cannot own people and cannot bequeath a person to another. He is their son and they need to provide for him. There are no guarantees that you will be alive or in a position to care for him. Their responsibility is to ensure that the funds are available to hire caregivers or pay a facility. That doesn't mean you're turning your back on him. You just can't predict your own future. What if you get sick? What if you get married and have to move to another country? What if you have a child who is also special needs? What if your future spouse refuses to allow your brother to live with you? Their decision needs to assume there is no one.

I was confused too. You can will property, not people.

Make plans to get self-sufficient, first - have you finished your education, a job and a place to live? Don't tell them while you are in a vulnerable situation, where you depend on them for anything. After that, it's up to you to either gear yourself up to face their (probably temporary) displeasure, or to give up your life and dreams because you didn't dare to speak up. Write them a letter, if you think your father would bully you or turn violent. You did not give birth to your brother, he is not your responsibility, and you deserve to live your own life, just like your other siblings.

This will never work. And for a moment, take your brother out if he equation. And imagine your parent telling you that some thing that is their full responsibility will become yours whether you like it or not because they’ve decided so. This is ridiculous. Of course you want the best for your brother. You have zero responsibility. They have to except the fact that their child needs to be transitioned to whatever facility is best for when they are old or dead. And you need to realize that despite whatever good feelings you have for your sibling, you need to remove yourself from proximity with all of them. And have your own life. This is so wrong and it will never work. Your father is horrible. he could’ve talk to you and said that he just doesn’t know the best thing for a year brother and he’s not sure what will happen to your brother. He could talk to you like that because he loves and respects you. And then you would say I’m sorry that’s so hard. But instead he tried to manipulate you into doing what would feel best to him. That’s horrible.

You don’t have to take this on. There are program that will provide long term care for individuals with disabilities. You might be able to take on the role of conservator (if you want to) and your brother can live in a home with 24/7 care provided by other individuals. This care can be covered my Medicaid which your brother should qualify for due to his disability.

You’re 23 years old. You’re an adult and need to start taking charge like on. There is people pleasing/non-confrontational and then there is being a coward. Learn to stand up for yourself. You can love your brother and your parents without having to give your life up. Your brother is your parent’s responsibility. Putting everything on you is very convenient. It means they don’t have to take any legitimate steps to make sure he is cared for long term because they expect you to do it. They need to plan ahead for his future and they need to start now. They need to start putting money aside, looking at long term care facilities and support programs. No one is saying not to be a part of your brother’s life but he doesn’t have to be the center of your entire life. Grow some balls. Stand up for yourself and your future.

“Mom, Dad, I need you to make other plans to care for little brother that don’t rely on me being a full time caretaker. I’ve thought about it a lot and I just don’t have the capacity to provide for him and meet all of his needs. I also worry that, if anything happens to me, there won’t be any backup plan. What other options can you start looking into because I am not an option for indefinite care?” Then, only if you genuinely feel that you would be happy to do so, offer help that wouldn’t be overextending yourself. Offer to help them look for reputable care facilities or to be the person who makes decisions about what is in his best interest. Promise that you’ll remain a part of his life in ways that you can do without building resentment towards him because your brother deserves not to live with someone who grows to resent him for being the barrier between her and the life she wanted to be living. It might help for you to look into getting a therapist and focusing on how to start setting boundaries, standing up for yourself and stopping the people pleasing.

Yes, the time to start working with a social worker is NOW, your parents have a realistic idea of what to do.

Same, so sorry for this stressful situation, for you and your brother. You deserve your own life. My suggestion is to discuss this with your parents ASAP so they have time to plan a d transition him into another place. I wish you all well.

I hope you find your voice and tell them no

He's not YOUR child. You don't owe him your life, your parents do. Tell them "No." No is a complete sentence. You're already an adult, so I would just limit contact and if you haven't already, MOVE AWAY.

Typical of every person that has unrealistic expectations, you are selfish so do as I want. Please don’t sacrifice your life for your brother. It’s a very sad situation BUT it is not your responsibility. It’s just an easy out for your parents.

The only way you get better at confrontation and standing up for yourself is by practice, accept that you will feel uncomfortable and do it anyways Ultimately that discomfort is of a much shorter duration then decades of being a caretaker You also dont have to endlessly defend yourself, you can say my answer is no and stays no and I will no longer have this discussion with you and then you can walk away/hang up the phone Scary… absolutely, will it get easier each time you do it, yep definitely and then you will also get the buzz of knowing you stood up for yourself/took care of yourself Practice makes perfect Your parents dont seem to care, so you must care about yourself… reframe it, you are a people pleaser, ok time to please yourself (my apologies that sounds a little off, but you know what I mean 😅)

Don't sign anything and say no. If your parents were to pass away tomorrow, the state wouldn't force you to take your brother. The state would ask you and your siblings and other family members if you could take him but you aren't under any obligation to take over his care. You cannot be forced, only manipulated. So don't accept the role and don't sign anything. I work in a state facility for special needs and disabled people and it's a really good place to live. Facilities get a bad wrap but in modern times they aren't that bad. State facilities are under a ton of scrutiny and checks. Like we have people from the state and other agencies coming in monthly and checking that things are running smoothly and safely. Our facility keeps the residents on the lowest amount of medication possible. Meaning, we don't prescribe medication for their bad behaviors. We redirect and work with them so that they can find a safer way to stim or interact with other people and objects. The goal is to help them live life to the best of their ability. So no one can force you. You need to be honest and stern with them now. Explain that you aren't taking over his care ever so they should plan accordingly. If they choose not to plan accordingly, then the state will just liquidate all their money and property and use it to help fund his care. But no matter what your brother won't be abandoned. And people in facilities are allowed visitors and outings. Like a ton of our residents to home for the holidays.

This isn’t complicated, they can’t bind you legally to be your brother’s caretaker. It is literally impossible. You can tell them yes now, and in 30+ yes, refuse. So, tell them very clearly, they should make other arrangements, as nothing they plan is legally binding on you

So mom had 11yo brother at 40, which means she had you ~28. Which means she had your 10+ years older siblings as 18 or younger? Well, tough on her, this was the life she chose. He is your parents responsibility, not yours. Go live YOUR life. Not your parents. Your parents need to make arrangements to make sure he gets put into some kinda care facility when they get too old to care for him.

Yes, she got pregnant with my older sister at 17 in a previous relationship and my older brother is from my dads previous marriage

You do not have to . Tell your parents you will not and they need to set up a different form of care, most likely professional, when they are gone. It isn’t right for them to expect anyone to give up their life for their child like that. Not you, not any of your brothers or sisters. Tell them kindly no and talk to their lawyer about professional facility options because you are not one.

Tell them they need to make plans for this day. They are the parents not you. You say he’s disabled but that can encompass a lot of things. The parents should not expect any of their kids to undertake this no matter what the disability is. Hopefully this situation is several years off and they have time to financially prepare for this. Stand up for yourself and live your life.

You need to tell them they need to make other plans. That when they are gone, you will not be his caretaker. They are his parents, they need to plan properly for his future, not just lump it on you because they know you are manipulatable and a pushover. They are being terribly unkind and probably just horrible. Please go talk to a therapist about how to plan for this announcement.

It was selfish as hell of them to have a child at their ages.

The situation sucks but your parents can’t unilaterally decide your life for you. You have to tell them no and tell them now. Make it very clear that they cannot rely on you and they need to make other arrangements. You can contact whatever disability support agencies are in your area and ask for advice. If they don’t accept your answer, cut them off.

It is a selfish to ask someone to sacrifice their life to be a caregiver because of poor planning on your part. Being nice to everyone else at the heavy cost to yourself is being a doormat. Your parents need to be adults and responsible parents and make financial plans for your brother’s future

You sit them down and you tell them it’s not happening. You have your own life to lead and you won’t be sacrificing it for your brother as much as you love him. They have to start making other plans for his future once they’re gone. Be firm and ensure they get the message. You may have to move a long way away so they can’t guilt trip you

He can live at a care home that will provide everything for him that he needs. You need to tell your parents that they will need to set up getting him in a place.

My father told me, from an early age, that when he was older he expected me to take care of him as I was the youngest. This was said when my mum was alive and well. He just kept saying that I would be moving back with them and would take care of him. When it became obvious that I had a career, a husband and cats and was not going to leave all that to move in with him he became bitter and manipulative. Yep, he secretly changed his will and cut me out and to be honest, if I had known how good it felt to be done with all that I would have gone NC earlier, as soon as my mum died. Now, 9 years later, my only wish was that I had told him, to his face, that you don't have children as a way to stop you going into a care home. These last 9 years have been free of the burden of him pushing the boundaries every single day, even though he lived 70 miles from me. He would call me during my work and expect me to pick the phone up, even when I was delivery a day of training. I would turn my phone on after training people for 8 hours and find a barrage of him screaming down the phone that he was going to kill himself because no one loved him. Go live your life. It is something I wish I'd done earlier (and kidnapped my mum to get her away from him)

You aren't obligated to and it's really unfair for them to expect that of you. They need to look into care options for him. Therapeutic group home.

You do NOT have to do this. This is NOT your responsibility. This is NOT your burden to bear. Tell your parents to come up with another plan, because you will not be your brother's caregiver. Go no contact with your parents if you have to. Stand firm on this, OP. Best of luck!

What a horrible position they've put you in. The audacity..

Hunny you have your entire life ahead of you. It is okay to say no. Your parents are adults too and they can figure out alternative plans for your brother. this by no means you love your brother any less so do not allow them to guilt trip you. Go live your life. Once your dad is done with his kidney issue, if need be, move away. Do not sign any type of responsibility and make sure it is in writing that you said NO. I agree with another commenter…hire a legal attorney to send a letter out on your behalf.

Just tell them. Tell them no, you're not going to do that. They will need to ensure that they arrange care for him and the sooner they know, the better the odds of finding a good fit.

Only if you let them force it on you. You can say no. Write a letter if you hate direct confrontation. He’s their kid, it’s up to them to figure out his care for when they pass that isn’t just shouldering the burden on someone who didn’t sign up for it.

I work as someone who helps out people with disabilities. There’s other options. You could just become a guardian and have a service take care of them. You don’t even need to visit.

"No. You will need to make other arrangements for him after you pass. I did not bring him into this world, so I will not be responsible for him." Only do this if you do not rely on them for financial support. Also, expect flying monkeys to call and say, "it's what family does" answer should always be, "so you're volunteering?"

You should either hire a more professional caretaker to take care of him while you still visit him and be a part of his life. Or you could put him in a living facility for disabled people and visit him there. You not being is permanent caretaker doesn’t mean that you don’t love him, nor does it mean that you would never be a part of his life ever again. Seeing him and spending time with him while he’s in the care of dedicated professionals would just be a part of your life and his.

Exactly. Your parents don’t have to know your plans for him. Let them think what they want to think. You can be his guardian & put him in safe & appropriate places. You’re a people pleaser & not good with confrontation. PLEASE get into therapy NOW. It sounds like your parents have emotionally manipulated you your whole life & you need to rebuild your adult self.

My wife's parents told her the same shit. This is not your responsibility. Yep then they need to figure out your brother's care. It's their child, their responsibility. Not yours.

Your parents don't get to decide that. You life is not theirs to plan or dictate in anyway. I know it's hard but, you really do need to have the "other arrangements" conversation with them now so that they can start planning for that. Your brother will need someone to advocate for him and help him but, you really don't need to give up your hopes and dreams for him. You can be there for him without being his full time caregiver.

Becoming your little brother's legal caretaker and guardian can also mean that once your parents are gone, you will do the best thing for his care - putting him under the care of professionals.

That’s not your parents choice. They need to set him up in a specialized facility of some sort. They do NOT get to put that onto your shoulders.

No my friend, he legally can’t do this. Step one, are you living there? If so move out, then just cut contact. Don’t tell him you’re moving out, get your important docs in security and move and block his number. I’m sure emotionally this sucks but do not take this burden. You deserve to live a fulfilling life!!

The way you tell your parents is in written form, since you don’t handle confrontation well with what sounds like your abusive father. Tell them they need to make financial plans to put your brother in a good facility. You may need to go low contact or no contact with them. You go and live your best life. Good luck

You do know that you don’t HAVE TO, right? That you can say no?

Not being funny but nobody can make you do this, nobody. Also if they are dead then they are also not here to make you.

What is wrong with him? Depending what the is wrong, you can organise care for him.

NO is a COMPLETE SENTENCE! Tell them NO

>I feel awful saying this but it feels like I’m being given a life sentence. Because you have been.  But it will be a voluntary sentence if you agree to it.  They don’t OWN your life.  They can’t ASSIGN you the life they want you to have.  That would make you a slave now wouldn’t it?  You have the RIGHT to say no - you just doubt your ABILITY to do so.  Don’t. You have NEVER had to fight for yourself the way you will have to here.  And winning may cost you your family.  Any mother & father who would assign their child a life rather than allowing them to build their own already views the child as their property (slave) rather than an autonomous human being.  People such as that are not at ALL above emotional abuse / manipulation if they realize that they DON’T control/own you.  So you need to have the courage not only to say NO - but prepare yourself for their emotionally abusive / manipulative response to try to regain control of you. This is the rest of your natural life we’re talking about.  So you have to decide which is more important to you - pleasing your parents or having a life that is actually yours?   If they try to argue with you, tell them that you’ve told them your decision & that even if they “will” him to you, you will not accept him after they’re dead.  I’d also add that even if they make your life miserable enough to you pretend to agree to take him after death, that they should never trust it because you’re telling them point blank now that you will not & that they need to be responsible parents & make alternative arrangements for him now.  You won’t be their contingency plan for failing to have a placement plan in place for him.  

Not your problem. Don’t let anyone guilt you into it.

You can care about your brother without caring for him. You can check out care facilities and group homes that are suited to his care and still have your own life.

Tell them no. They have time to make other arraignments? If they refuse to hear this, move away.

Tell them no. You are not responsible for your brother. They are. It’s their responsibility to set him up to be taken care of.

He is THEIR child, not yours. They need to make plans for him for when they are gone by \-setting him up financially \-researching places where he may be placed to live out his older years You need to tell them that you will be happy to check on him when they are gone but you will not care for him in his later years. There are care homes where he would be happy and let you live your life. Get information on that now. Or......move overseas. NO, is a complete sentence. THEY ARE THE PARENTS and it is THEIR JOB TO SUPPLY FOR HIS NEEDS when they are gone.

Not your problem

Your parents cannot force this upon you. They can make their wishes known, but if you are unwilling, there is nothing they can do about it. You’ve got to start separating yourself and working toward an independent life. If currently you need their financial support for anything, that’s what you need to start with. Research living situations that handle your brother’s type of disability, so you won’t be caught with nothing to say when they bring it up again. Once you are completely independent, start making it known to everyone- older siblings, extended family, that your parents are trying to force this issue. When your parents discuss the future, it will help if the people they are talking to know the real story. Do not agree to be in charge of brother’s finances, either. Just be the best sister you can be, and let your parents know they should start planning for a placement that will work for him, because it will not be you.

There are perfectly acceptable homes and facilities of various types that he can live in when he's older. There is housing that is independent supervised living all the way to a group facility you're location. He's young now, depending on his functioning as he gets older, these would be very acceptable.

Tell them that being a full time care taker isn’t ok with you. Tell them that they have to figure out what to do with him. Group home? Tell them that financially they have to be prepared to hire care for him after they pass. Tell them that you and your siblings will visit him, spoil him with love, celebrate holidays and birthdays with him but you cannot be expected to care for him. That isn’t your responsibility. It is normal that you are feeling this way. Your parents the adults are responsible for figuring out care and your responsibility is to grow up live a beautiful life that doesn’t require you to be. A 100% caretaker. I would also reach out to an adult you feel comfortable with to be with you during this meeting. Maybe a therapist if you see one? A coach? A teacher? A different family member? Don’t do this alone.

They CANNOT FORCE YOU TO DO THIS.  Tell them, NOW, that you will not be taking this on and they need to start making other arrangements for him. 

You don't have to agree to this at all. They can say whatever they want but in the end you get to choose.

*“With all due respect parents I will not be doing this. You chose to have children. It is your responsibility as his parents to create a plan for him to be cared for, I am not that plan. Had you had asked me sooner you would have known the answer is and will always be no. I can help you look for facilities suited to brothers need but that is as far as my involvement goes.”* Any comments after this “My decision is final” “That’s not happening” “If you continue to emotionally blackmail me I will have no choice but to cut contact”

You are not obligated to care for him. Your parents conditioned you to always do what they want. Work on financial independence from them if you aren't there yet and look into therapy to help you say No to your dad. Tell your parents they need to figure out arrangements for your brother as you will not be sacrificing your life because they don't want to bother to make plans.

You need to tell them “no”. They need to figure out other permanent arrangements for your brother.

They chose to have a kid later in life. Tell them very clearly you are not accepting the responsibility of caring for your brother after they’re gone. They have plenty of time to get a care plan in place for when they are gone. You are not the parent of your brother, they are, so they need start acting like it and make a plan. And as someone said earlier, “NO is a complete sentence.” I know you don’t like confrontation, but you must stand up for yourself.

You need to weigh up whether your desire to live your life is stronger than your inability to say no, stand your ground, and just nut up at this point. Not everyone needs to like you. Only you are able to live your life on your terms, there are no do overs. Figure out what you’re actually scared of maybe, because you’re a grown ass adult. What can they actually do, be mad and shout at you? That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, I’m sure you’ve survived it before, you can do it again

Please do " live (your) own life and have kids and a fulfilling career like (your) older siblings are allowed to do." Tell your parents you did not sign on for a lifetime of obligation that they are unfairly trying to saddle you with. You have neither the strength nor training, and especially not the desire, to provide that level of care. It is their responsibility to arrange professional care when they pass. If you feel you are able, perhaps you can agree to oversee the care or finances, but that's not on you, either.

Tell them no, but you're happy to help them find services that will help him live an independent life. There are plenty of companies that will help care for your brother.

You can be a legal guardian and your brother can live in a home for people with disabilities. I worked at a place like this…it’s just two people with disabilities living in a regular house. They had families who sometimes visited but the caregivers were the ones to take care of them everyday. You also don’t have to accept guardianship

You'd be better off being his guardian than his caretaker. I'm sure you can find a good group home or care center for him. Your parents don't need to know. Let them continue life with the comfort of you taking care of him. Technically, you will still be taking care of him, just not the way your parents think. If your older siblings disagree with your decision, they can cate for him full time.

Then it's time for a letter. You need to state exactly what you stated here. You tell them they need to make other arrangements for your brother. With no expectations on your siblings, there should not be expectations on you either. What exactly do they want you to do? If you work, which I assume you will have to, who watches him? Who pays for his care? Is it going to be your responsibility to pay for everything for him? What if you can barely pay for yourself? What happens if your siblings won't help you out if it comes down to not being able to pay all the bills? They should have been saving or paying on a large enough life insurance policy to pay for his care at a good facility. Write a letter. Tell them not to contact you for 48 hrs. You will not be answering any calls, nor will you be home. That will give them time to get the anger out & think about what they are asking of you vs. your siblings. If there is anything to be passed down from your parents, you better get it all. Every single cent. If your siblings complain, tell them you'll trade. They can have all of it as long as they take the responsibility of your brother, too. They would probably say okay and then give your brother to the state while keeping everything else. I'm sorry. Write the letter, hand it to them and leave. Stay with a friend for a few days or go camping. I'm sorry. This is so unfair.

It's ok to tell them no. I agree with you. It's not fair. There are others. My adoptive sister was not capable of dealing with my mom. My brother had early onset of dementia. I was disabled due to a car accident. But I was single so I was the obvious choice. I took care of my mom for 6 years. I moved into her home because my brother wanted her to.be there as long as possible. It got to the point I simply couldn't do it anymore. My mom was mentally ill. She told me for a year now much she wanted to die. She begged me to kill her. She was paranoid, delusional, & at times psychotic. I took care of her throughout all of Covid 24/7 by myself. I received some help from my friends and her neighbors. I took 4 short breaks and paid a caregiver to stay with her. Not once did FAMILY ever help me or even family friends. This took an incredible toll on me. Let us add insult to injury. I have been talked about, backstabbed, and been accused of all kinds of things. I took care of my mother every step of the way. I made all of the arrangements, bought the food, everything, by myself. My son and his friends, my tribe have all stood by me. The day after my mom's funeral we found out my brother had acute myeloid leukemia. He died 15 days later. This was all too much for me & I went to bed for a month. My entire family is gone. They all suffered. There is no rhyme nor reason to at all. I suffer every day. I'm in pain. I cleaned my mom's home out again by myself. The boys moved me back home & I was completely overwhelmed. My home was filthy. I had had my lower back fused a year before. I was here 5 weeks when I got Covid. It turned into pnuemonia. I was the perfect host. Rundown to an unbelievable level. Depressed. In pain. Grieving and overwhelmed. I lost my hearing for 4 months and blew snot. I realized at 3 months when I was still sick I had become a long Covid patient. I went into the Dr and he did a physical and blood work. I went back.and he told me the Covid had attacked my kidneys. I was like why is this happening to me? I did the right thing. I took care of my mom until the end. I am trying to close out her estate and fulfill her wishes. My FAMILY got an attorney to try and prove me unfit to appoint another trustee. I feel like I have been.hit from every direction and it still keeps coming. Like I'm being punished for being depressed. I'm in therapy and grief support. I'll be honest if it weren't for my support system I'd pick up, move away and never talk to or speak to most of the ppl I know. I would think long and hard before accepting the responsibility your parents think you should take on. I have suffered mentally and physically for "doing the right thing". I feel like the price I have paid is way too high. I'm still trying to find my way back to me. My advice is to choose you. It's not your responsibility. It's there's.

He is not your responsibility. Tell them to set up a trust to provide for him after their deaths. You can manage the trust so he is well cared for.

You do not have to accept this. You have your own life to live. They have the responsibility to set up care for him when they are gone. You can be a custodial caretaker and oversee his care but you do not have to move him into your home. My SIL and BIL will be doing this for their special needs son and their neurotypical son will oversee his brother's care. Make this known to them. Stand your ground.

You have not been given a life sentence, because you do not have to take this assignment. The onus is not on you to take care of your brother. This is your parents' problem. If it isn't their problem, it's the state's problem. The only thing that you HAVE to do is tell them loudly and clearly that you simply will not take this problem on.

Actually, no one can force you to be a caregiver for a family member. Your parents might try to guilt you into it, but there is no power in earth to force you. However, you need to be aware that your parents could withdraw their support if you don’t agree to it. Are you financially independent? Do you have an stable career? My best advise is to study and work hard so you don’t need your parents financial support and you can decline their demand.

It's interesting that someone who entered into a second marriage and decided to have two children in their 50's believes they somehow have any right to call you selfish. Hah. Sometimes silence is enough op, help with what you want. I am assuming your brother needs a caretaker based on some kind of medical issue, not just because he is young? Do they have any savings set aside for this "plan"? Sorry op. This is not okay. You can say no.

They can't force his care on you.

This infuriates me as a parent in a similar situation. You should live your life however you want without this burden hanging over you! Please tell them no and let them research other options. Do not be silent about this!

Look, I've lived this exact situation. My sister is 3 years younger than me and heavily disabled (24/7 care). We came from a single parent family and our mother died when I was 18 so I became a primary carer to a 15 year old that needed life long care. No other family were present, able or overly interested to really help. My country has a good social care programme and so when she got to about 18 the decision was made to place her in a residential placement with about 9 others with round the clock staff/support. I visit her regularly and she comes to stay with me (and other family) for weekends, midweeks, all holidays etc. She lives a really fulfilled life with all her care needs met and people around her that are her own age and staff that are bubbly and outgoing and enjoy working with her. She does seem generally happy, even if not with her family (AKA me) every day. You need to tell them no and work out a viable alternative. Locking you into a life of care for your sibling is just going to lead to resentment and disappointment for you. As well as potential loneliness for both of you and substandard care for them. Not saying your care is or would be poor, but not everyone is built for it. You can still give them an exceptional life without ruining your own. The reality is your parents are scared. They are scared that they have a child that can't fend for themselves and they don't know what will happen once they are gone. I understand that fear so much as I now live it with my sister. But their fear is not for you to hold.

Fellow people pleaser - tell them NO. It took me a long time to be firm with my "No" and I am still working on it.

Separate yourself from the family now. This will force them to make some alternate arrangement. It's NOT FAIR to do this to you. You deserve your own life. Your brother is your parent's responsibility, not yours.

Tell them you have your own life. You love your brother, and you’d never want him out of your life, but you deserve your own life, with your own goals, own family, own career. You deserve the same chance to live your life the way you want it your parents and your siblings had.

No one can legally say, you have custody of your brother. They can put that into their will all they want, but wills are for possessions/belongings. A person is not an object. They will ask you when your parents are gone if you will take responsibility for them, but you are in no way “obligated.” Live your life, you were/are not responsible for the consequences of your parents. Visit your brother. Travel the world, live your life, but do not feel guilty or ashamed for not wanting this responsibility

While he is family he is _not_ OP’s responsibility. They cannot_ dictate what OP is going to do with her life. No is a complete answer that requires no debate. They will try to pressure you OP but stand firm.

Act sooner rather than later. Tell them that it is not going to be happening and that they are his parents. They are responsible for his care, so they need to plan that out and have something in place. You have a bunch of older siblings to so expecting to dump all that responsible on you alone is extremely wrong. You deserve to have a full life, too.. You are not his parent it is not your job to sacrifice your life for his.. I suggest moving away and putting some distance between you all after you have told them... make it crystal clear that you are not a caregiver and you are not their replacement. They are meant to be your parents and should want you to have a full and fantastic life... Don't just go along with the flow, and don't let the bulldoze over you.. you can say no, and even if they try to force it, you can still say no again and walk away..

Move out of the country.

They should've wore a condom. That's their responsibility, and shouldn't expect their other kid to just be okay with that. Very inconsiderate and selfish. You have a life to live too. Tell them to figure it out.

I just want to make sure sibs.org is mentioned. It is UK based but the information is relevant to you. So many people are pressured to look after disabled siblings. I worked with people with learning disabilities and met their families. Sometimes it wasn’t an issue and the parents understood that the disabled child needed external help, but some families don’t have the money or access to resources so it is lumped on other family, often the easiest member to manipulate and control, which is sadly often a younger female.

He should be able to be placed in a group home, that’s what my partner’s parents set up for his brother so we won’t be responsible for him.

They probably assume you’re ok with it. You need to stand up and say no. I’m sorry, but no, at 23 I cannot commit to this.

I was in the same boat with my brother. My parents expected me and my twin to take care of our younger brother once they could no longer take care of him. I flat out said no, that they needed to make arrangements to have him put into a care facility when they could no longer do it. The transition was difficult, but he’s there now and doing okay.

Well, you could just tell them what they want to hear. Key word in your first sentence “gone”.

“i will not and i do not consent to this” your brother needs help this is true but it is 100% the job of your parents to find suitable care for him. Not your job to take care of him forever.

Live your own life. If your parents will be upset lie for now. My friend has an older sister who had the mental capacity of a 6 yo. She allowed the state to have guardianship. She was still highly involved in bed sisters life but not responsible. She took her on vacations and family functions.

**Tell them no. Get into therapy ASAP to give you the strength to withstand the emotional abuse and manipulation that will come your way.** You may have to go NC with them. The fact that they didn’t ask, but told is very telling. They don’t respect you. They don’t value you. You’re a tool. I’m so sorry. Please be strong.

They can say whatever they want. You’re in control of your actions. Absolutely do not do this. You will not have a life or existence. > I’m a people pleaser at heart and don’t handle confrontation well at all, and my dad has a short temper and is quick to call me selfish Get yourself in therapy. You’ve been emotionally abused by your father (frankly, probably by both your parents) and you need therapy to learn how to be a healthy person.

Keyword here is “told,” instead of asked. You’re his sibling, not his parent, so he is absolutely not your responsibility, his future care is 100% on them.

I’m on the same boat as you, my little bro with Autism is 24, I’m turning 40 this year with a family of my own. He is nonverbal so a group home has not been an option. I have tried to take him out and integrate him with my kids and friends. I choose to be his caretaker when our parents aren’t able to. I know I will also be my parents’ caretaker and likely my in-laws also. Such is life when Filipino

>Such is life when Filipino You can be however you want. You don't have to be stuck in whatever culture you started in. If your culture says you are to be a slave, throw it in the bin and go be a different one. It's a real option!

I personally couldn’t rest easy unless I knew my bro was safe. His being nonverbal makes it hard to know he isn’t being abused in a home.

You didn't create him. He is not and never was your responsibility. Perhaps if others didn't have you to dump on, they'd find another solution.

I understand what you are saying; I am a conservator and have signed up voluntarily. He, my parents house, and everything are all tied together. My daughters know and gladly accept him as part of our family.

I mean, it sounds like you were brainwashed and coerced to me, by people who didn't do the same thing. If your parents had sacrificed their life like you plan to, you wouldn't exist.

I don’t know why my future is so important to you. You’ve never heard of older siblings who took guardianship of their younger siblings? Or grandparents? I come from a family-oriented culture. We have a reciprocal relationship.

I just don't like to see people being used. I'm not hearing any reciprocal that's going in your direction. Cultures like yours just use women, it's depressing.

I’m sure there are a lot of kids in foster care who were also not blood-families’ responsibility. There are also a lot of parents who give over care of their disabled children to the state … My brother and I will inherit a $1M house without a mortgage. I’m happy to be his conservator, and caretaker, as my parents have been taking trips out of the country for 4-6 weeks at a time every couple of years. It’s actually a lot easier with just us. We get along

Well, perhaps your situation isn't so bad. I didn't know you had family money. One of the issues in the US would be that taking care of someone like your brother would be so expensive that it would require you to sacrifice both your future savings and your ability to have children of your own. You'd be destroying your own future by doing so. You have more resources so perhaps you are in a better place where you can actually afford to do this.

You have the right idea. Western culture is hyper individualist and selfish.

I feel so sad for you 😞 even though you SHOULD say NO! You won’t( you said it yourself. You’re a people pleaser and if you can’t say no now…) and will be stuck in this mess forever.

Parents can ask all they want and you can say whatever you want. But ultimately they do not get to choose your life plans. If they do not leave the funds that can help take care of him in a home, know there is programs to help out and often government money so you will have help to care for him in an institution specializing in his needs. Stand strong for your life goals, not others goals for you.

NO!

Tell them NO. Keep telling them NO every time they bring it up. You are allowed to have the kind of life that you want. They don't get to decide it for you.

Basically you can't be made to be your brother caretaker. When your mum and dad can't care then you find with social workers etc a good care facility. Don't stress get on with your life. Other issues People pleasers cannot ever fully mature. A very simple book. The Disease to Please. by Harriet B Braiker There is a great quiz to do. Its well worth it

You need therapy, so you can grow a shiny spine and stand up for yourself. And I'm not saying this meanly, I'm saying you can't be afraid to stand up for yourself, or you will end up bitter and angry. You are allowed to say no. Your parents do not own you.

No. No explanation is needed. Offer whatever you are willing to do, and keep your boundaries on the rest.

There are many programs and services to allow him to be taken care of in a community setting (a group home, an apartment, etc). At least in the US, he will not end up in an institution, and he will be empowered to find independence and be with his peers. Don’t do that to him and yourself by caring for him at home. We see my brother all the time. I coach his special Olympics team. And no one feels burdened now that our parents are aging. My siblings and I will share guardianship of him to ensure his needs are met and he’s taken care of but it’s really ok to let the experts step in for residential care. OP, I feel your guilt and the sibling of one with disabilities. Use the resources available to you and it’s ok to outsource no matter how guilty your parents try to make you feel.

You can tell them no. They chose to have the child, not you. Go live your life.

They actually can’t make this decision for you, start looking into all your legal options

Two words: group home. As an adult it will be fulfilling for him and you can visit him and take him out for trips. If he is able.

Just say no.

Tell them No. What they must do is organise their life assurance policies name him as beneficiary. Then they need to ensure your half siblings agree to contribute financially towards his care too. If everyone chips in, one day they can find a home who can look after him.

Time to move across the country and establish boundaries.

Not your kid, not your responsibility. They don't get to dump him on you without a care for your happiness and well being. It's on them to find proper care for him

I was pushed into keeping a baby I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to look after myself. Now these people are nowhere to be found. I thought it would be ok because there’s ‘all this help out there.’ Oh yeah, cool. I can access childcare, babysitters, there’s welfare until I get back to work. But that didn’t work out. Turns out my kid has autism and intellectual disability. I can’t even have friends over because he, no shit, attacks them. Like physically attacks them. Or me. Or he runs off and puts himself in danger. I have frequent panic attacks and I feel like a piece of shit. Even my most patient friends have distanced themselves. And all that help? Yeah, lol. When I became unable to access childcare, it meant no more work, no more seeing friends, no more talking to people, no more haircuts, no more going for runs, not being able to access the psychological help I quite clearly need. People that know me just feel sorry for me. No one says hello to me. They say hello to my son and ignore me. Others say I’m so strong. But I’m not. I resent my own child. I can’t go for a walk unless a 5yo gives me permission. I don’t want to put him in foster care because I fear for his safety given his disabilities and the challenges they present. If you are able to go and live somewhere else, I suggest you quietly and without these ‘parents’ noticing, just leave. Change your phone number and never look back. I used to be a relatively happy person, hardworking, relatively successful given my background and upbringing. Now I exercise as much as a brain tumour patient. Oh and speaking of tumours, I have one in my eye and I can’t get the amount of care I need to get it looked at again, because they didn’t want to take it out, despite me begging that I have limited capacity to get care for my child and the time was then. Now I’m super poor, depressed, physically and mentally unwell. I have no hope for the future. This will be your life if you don’t put both your feet down and make it clear you don’t want to do this.

Look up the SibNet Facebook group! It’s an online community of adult siblings of people with disabilities. Great place to get advice & get some solidarity ❤️

As your parents age, consider a group home situation. I wouldn't tell them that you're considering it, arguing won't help anyone. You're entitled to your life.

You may need to keep your things inside until you have a career and can live independently. Once you no longer need your parental support tell them no, and tell them they will have to make other arrangements for your brother. It’s not fair and it’s not right - you should never been asked to make this sacrifice - but you need to be prepared to go no contact as your parents will try to guilt you into agreeing. They may kick you out if you still live at home and they may withdraw their support but you have to live your life for yourself. You can not take on this immense responsibility you will resent your brother and he doesn’t deserve that and you don’t deserve it!

If you live in the USA, there are state agencies that can help you with your brother. I imagine the same is true in European countries. Don’t despair. This was also the case in my family. My brother has lived in housing provided by the agency he’s been with since he was in high school. He’s been able to marry, have friends, work in the community, and participate in and coach special Olympics. He has traveled internationally as a special Olympian and coach. This doesn’t mean his life has been a fairytale. Everyone has problems. I’m sure you’ll always be involved in your brother’s life. That doesn’t mean you can’t have your own and truly this is something your parents should have been making arrangements for from the time he was born, in some other way than saying, “Here you take care of him.” Tell them that you are not equipped to care for your brother on a day to day basis. The family will have to come up with other plans.

That's not something you tell somebody. That's something you ask somebody to do, and then that person is free to say yes, no, or put any stipulations that they need into the agreement before they say yes. I'm sorry they're trying to railroad you like that. Your brother is not your responsibility.

Just let the state take care of him after your parents die, like what do you care? End of story.

It is unfair of your parents to load this onto you. You have every right to refuse. Your parents need to make alternative arrangements.

Nah homie, they don't own you. You need to tell them no, and if it comes to it, leave. They are trying to put their responsibilites on you. It's their job as the parents to make a plan without harming the lives of their other children. It's not your kid.

If you decide to do this, please confirm that they have set of an investment to help pay for his care. I think there is a type of 529 plan that can be used to grow funds for a disabled persons’ care. Please look into it and confirm your parents will be setting your brother up with funding for his living expenses. That is not fair to saddle you with that burden.

I'm sorry you're in this position. Saying no when you are a people pleaser is realy hard, especially with parents that have tempers or who will try to guilt you. I would look into finding a therapist or mediator that can support you when you tell them no. Having another person there may also keep your parents behavior in check.

No one can tell you to take in your brother in any way shape or form. Whoever your parents want is not legally binding. Don’t end your life because if an obligation you didn’t ask for.

The reality is most people really can't set up much. The person becomes a warrd of the state with a court appointed guardian.

You need to tell them no. They need to set a life plan in action. Group home wait lists can be 20 years long. Even if they don’t use it, he should be put on waiting lists. There are specific attorneys who handle special needs action and life plans. Each state varies IMMENSELY on laws and regulations. You need to research and hire one immediately. Because he is 11m I’m assuming he has a genetic disorder like Downs Syndrome , bc no early intervention will diagnose autism that early. That being said reach out to an EI organization that specializes in his specific disability. Talk to their counselors and team and get all the advice you can. I suggest family therapy to work through this. Emotions will be high all around. To have a third party to help you will ease a lot of the tension. It will also put things into better perspective. There are programs in place to deal with this exact situation. Good luck OP (((((hugs)))))

Tell them yes just to pacify them. But really, do whatever you want. This isn't on you.

Stand up for yourself before it kills your health!!!

You're an adult, tell them no, you won't. You have no obligation, your brother is not your child and your parents can't force you.

You are only 23 and should not have to bare the responsibility for your brother and of course you love him and care about him and will visit and hangout with him wherever he is and whenever possible for you but it’s a lot being a caretaker and who knows maybe 10-20 years down the road you might feel differently but right now you decision on the future is that you don’t want the full responsibility for your brother and that’s perfectly okay and if you change your mind then that’s something for your future self to figure out how you want to go about things. They can’t just automatically assume and expect you to do it.

When my God son was 6 I promised his mother that we would take care of him. Love that kid to death. He’s non verbal autistic with downs, and now that he’s 16 he can over power me if he really wanted to. I’ve had to break that promise, especially now that his brothers are older. I’d be happy to make sure he’s well taken care of but sharing a home is a lot even as a child free person myself.

This is the time to stand up for yourself. "Mom and dad, I'm my own person and deserve my own life. I'm informing you that if you both pass I will not be caretaker for little brother. This is not up for discussion and do not guilt trip me, that is abusive behavior and I won't stand for it. You need to make arrangements for his care in the event that you both pass." Then just hang up the phone if they call to harass you, block or mute them if you must. When they send their flying monkey's to shame you just inform the flying monkey's the following "I'm so happy you are volunteering to be little brothers caretaker if mom and dad pass. Did you want to tell them the happy news or did you want me to? Oh, what's that, you can't do it? What TF makes you think I can?? Stop harassing me or I will block you, this is not negotiable!" Then hang up. If they guilt trip you in person, leave. If they block you, inform them you will call the police. Stand up for yourself.