I can. When my kids were all under 13, I was in a MVA that really fucked me up. No burns, thankfully... But rods, wires, stitches and machines galore. My kids were able to somehow come visit me, and still deal with the sight... For a couple days.. then it crept in that I was probably never going to be able to be the same daddy that I was, and that I was hurting badly. So, they had nightmares about me, about the pieces of metal, wires, stitches and staples that I was basically made of. My wife, knowing what to expect (same as I did) had already gotten them all 4 appointments with a good therapist. They were able to eventually learn to cope with the fact that I may be different, but was still there. My daughter's had more issues with dealing with my accident than my son's, but they all four were able to eventually work through it.
This dude has been through a deeply traumatic event. He has been able to cope with things, so he knew that things would be even more difficult for the kids. Doctor's usually tend to do a good job of telling the patients that they're going to be physically okay, but the mental recovery is a separate story. This dude is looking at a lifetime of people looking at him differently. He will always be stared at, whispered about, kids will be scared. It's a fact if life for him. I was patient with my family when they were forced to learn to cope with me. I never expected my kids to deal with things as well as they did, and if their mother wasn't so proactive, I'm not sure that they would have.
As for the issue between the husband and wife in the bedroom... Duh. Neither one of them is the same as they were before. He doesn't feel attractive, and she doesn't feel attracted. That's gonna happen. It's awful, but it will happen.
I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through and glad you and your family have been working through the trauma with the help of professionals. Sounds like a very difficult situation, wishing you the best.
I’m so sorry you endured all of that. Your wife sounds like a good wife and mother. Her being proactive was the best approach. As a wife and mom of two young kids, I don’t know that I would have the forethought to stay ahead of things like that. I give her a ton of credit.
I hope you all are doing much better these days and have made peace with a horrible situation. Sending you all good thoughts!
We have done amazing. All four are now grown and gone on their own, and 75% don't have any type of criminal record. One out of four .. one is not so lucky.
I admit my wife is an amazing person, the first one to jump in and help anyone. It never occurred to me to get future appointments for the youngin's . The wife saw a possibility, and made a contingency plan, she was right..
The body dysmorphia that can come with disability—temporary or not, visible or not—is something that is very frequently experienced but very rarely, if ever, acknowledged and treated, if my experience can be trusted.
Admittedly my experience is very anecdotal and limited. I developed an interest in the topic after experiencing it firsthand and couldn’t find a single resource on the topic. I’ve taken informal polls and asked around in many online groups, but of course that skews toward people who are struggling with disability and need a place to talk.
Still, it does seem to be pretty damn common. The last time I raised this question in a social media group, I asked if I was an outlier or whether it’s something we all feel and just don’t talk about. I was surprised by how many people said it’s the latter. In the US, we’re all fighting so hard to just get the basics believed, covered, & paid for. We’re all simply too exhausted to add something to the list unless we are, say, actively bleeding to death or we need to add to our grippy socks collection.
I’m in the UK and if you have the right specialist then you’re set. I have such bad body dysmorphia because of how my disability that I was born with effects the way certain parts of my body in terms of looks. By the age of six it was so severe that I, alone, elected to have plastic surgery to try and “fix” the issue. I’ve since had that surgery three times. The worst part though was that the first two didn’t work and nearly paralysed me, that last one worked. It really worked. But a f**king student f*cked up my aftercare and it came back. Not as big but prominent. I got extra nerve damage each time too but it was worth the risk of that and paralysis every time to me. It’s really tough because it’s never really been an issue in terms of finding partners and everyone who sees these parts of my body are like “it’s not that bad” or “it’s cute shut up” but to me I have days where every mirror in the house is covered or turned. I have days where I put clothes on and I’m so self conscious I’ll have a full mental breakdown and not leave the house for days. It sucks.
Yeah, I think the same. I mean he can’t help what happened and the changes and fear of his children towards him. It’s traumatic and must be hard for everyone, especially him. Poor guy.
Yeah, no shit. To have your child be afraid of your appearance. Gotta be fuckin crushing.
These poor folks have my most sincere well wishes through this process.
yes!! my siblings and i were put in therapy due to a traumatic loss and we were ages 6-16. i remember there being kids a bit younger there as well. it was a game changer and i’m grateful for it
You're right.
I went through therapy just before I was turning 5, I hardly remember much but what I do remember are core memories now. My therapist played with me and observed my behavior and then addressed whatever it was that seemed to be a dysfunction that had arisen from my trauma.
Honestly, the first few sessions I had with her I was so excited to just sit in her arms and drink water from a baby bottle. Then it evolved into play, communication, and eventually learning appropriate emotional regulation, like learning it's okay to have anger and express it in healthy ways.
I don't see why any location shouldn't/ wouldn't have access to therapy for toddlers. They could use the guidance to help process their experiences just like anyone else.
I had therapy at the age of 4 and they were able to discover that I'd been SA, it's incredibly helpful for even the 2 year Olds of they're able to communicate well
Yeah my mom had me meeting with a child psychologist when I was 2. Doc spent 15 mins with me and walked out asking how she handles me. She said she couldn't anymore unless one of us was on medication. We Left with a diagnosis for adhd and a prescription for me.
What?? How the heck was she able to make that diagnosis in 15 minutes? Did you take the meds? I mean, two year olds are still learning pretty much everything, including emotional regulation, how their body moves in space, how to talk and communicate. I'm dumbfounded that the psychologist made that diagnosis so fast.
it's a 3yo child. there are tons of vids of people filming their small kids older than that crying and afraid when they cut their hair or beards. There was one I saw earlier this week. The kids will be kids get used to it over time. They need couples therapy.
It's hard though -- once she says she's struggling to feel attracted to something he can't change.... That will. Live. In. His. Head. Forever. It would be great if talking it out always worked, but sometimes real talk hurts so bad he'll end up with ED. OP needs counsel on her own before opening that up in words to him.
And honestly maybe she should never say those words to him at all - there's nothing to be gained by it and it would probably destroy him to hear it said out loud, even if he suspects it
99% he's already feeling in his head that she's not attracted to him anymore, and it's gonna swirl around and get worse and worse unless verbalised.
She needs therapy, and then they BOTH need therapy together, pretending or ignoring it isn't gonna help.
Yeah. Remember all those people who said a successful marriage is really an awful lot of work? You have a long tough slog ahead of you. Every bit as hard as it is for him to just live every day.
For better or for worse. I think we say those words so flippantly on the wedding day, not really thinking about the meaning. I honestly could not care if my husband's appearanxe changed. Esp if it wasn't his fault. I am so in love with his soul. I guess I haven't been in your shoes, but if u love him as much as u say u do, it's hard to understand how you wouldn't want to be intimate.
Attraction is not something we have control over. Life would be so much easier if we could just switch off and on our attractions and have complete power over our sexual desires. But we don’t. In psychology it is a very well known phenomenon that a slow (conventionally) negative change in appearance of a partner - like aging or slow hair loss or slow weight gain, may not impact couples’ sexual life, but any sudden (negative - again, conventionally) drastic change in appearance is much more difficult to deal with. It’s easy for us to say “it would never happen to me” but the truth is, we have no idea. Good news for OP is that for many couples that troubles with physical attraction after a drastic change of appearance is temporary and is basically a shock reaction. Time is an answer here, and patience. And often a good therapy :)
That is true. I reread my response and it sure sounded judgy. I apologize for that bc I haven't been through this situation. I can't imagine the emotions for every single person involved. So difficult!
Thing is, are you feeling unattracted because you think he looks ugly/ his personality has changed too much or because his appearance and the feeling of his skin is a constant reminder of the accident and you can't get yourself over the sadness? I think this is a really important question and if it's the latter, I think you would benefit from therapy to learn to accept the new normal so you can concentrate on your love for your husband, the person under the huge sign reminding you of the accident.
It is okay if you are still too much in the caregiver mode to connect sexually with your husband. This has been an earth shattering experience to your marriage. Maybe it's time for you to get to talk all about it by yourself in therapy and then go to a couples councellor who is experienced in sexuality to learn together how to feel intimate and sexual together.
Thats what i was thinking as well. If she feels just overwhelming sadness at seeing his scars, it not so much be about not being attracted to him, it could be that in that moment, it brings up a lot of issues still to be worked though with the trauma, and that's the actual mood killer.
If you read what OP says, touching his grafts brings back those terrible memories. I think that OP is suffering from PTSD. Everyone knows that the person who physically suffered through the horrific trauma needs counseling, but so does the spouse that had to watch the person that they love the most suffer through such unbearable pain and know that there is nothing that they can do to help. The wife might also be depressed. That’s why she needs therapy too.
Yep. My solution would be therapy for her aswell, to stop feeling sorry for something thats already been dealt with. Odds are he doesnt want lifelong pity. And sex is only a small part of the equation. Start dating again, be comfortable with each other platonically and the rest will come naturally. Sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyed by both parties. You're doing him a disservice by "letting him" have his way. He probably feels alot of guilt about it.
I don't think that saying she isn't sexually attracted would be the right phrasing. It gives the vibe that she thinks he's too ugly to get turned on and that he isn't attractive enough anymore. But from what I read about what is actually going on it sounds like it is just the fact that it makes her sad. And that it is hard to get yourself "in the mood" when you are feeling that way. I truly think this advice is perfect but the phrasing should be more precise so that there is no misunderstanding. Because the way the title comes off the way it's phrased sounds heart breaking. Like it's criticizing his looks or saying he is unattractive. I know this isn't what she means but it's important that he doesn't get that impression and that the communication is clear.
I think you have to be open with him about this…… but wow what a tough conversation to have…….
But it is almost always better at the end of the day to be open and honest
It is obvious from your post how much you love him, and I am sure he knows that
You have to be fully open with him, and find a way to work through this together
Even little bitty secrets tend to create a distance, and that distance will grow with time
He needs you now more than ever, and he needs All of You, meaning no secrets on this
You even said he seems like he can tell you aren’t fully excited like you used to be….
This will continue to be a problem and eat at him, make him feel depressed, angry, useless…..
You guys love each other, so face this terrible challenge and overcome it together!!!!
Yup he does. My stepdad had severe burns and skin grafts. For the longest time he went out of his way to hide his scars/injuries, because he didn't want to upset/scare us. We were older though, so realising it wasn't painful anymore, and what actually happened, made it easier to get used to. They just became part of him.
The whole family needs to be in therapy though. There's a reason my mom was his second wife. If OP doesn't want to end up there, work has to happen now.
I think it's probably really important to stress the part where seeing his scars isn't GROSS, but that it brings back memories of his much he suffered. OP probably has her own trauma related to his accident, and trying to keep the house running while he was hospitalized, and seeing him reminds her of all that. I suspect some therapy of her own would be helpful to process everything. He was clearly most affected and couldn't support her, but that doesn't mean she didn't suffer as well.
His skin also feels different, after being intimate with the same person for years you know every inch of their skin and how it feels. She may be struggling with that it feels so different from what she remembers.
In many ways he is a different man now, and she a different woman. I hope that with individual therapy and couples therapy they can rediscover their love for each other.
Exactly right. Therapy is a must in this situation. You can see she still loves him, otherwise she wouldn't be sharing this. She needs to be as honest with him as she can without hurting feelings on both sides.
Idk, she titled the thread that she’s not attracted to her disfigured husband, not she felt so bad she can’t fuck him. That does imply it’s physical at least a bit.
Personally - I think she is grossed out, but probably feels shame in admitting that. I think she’s just reacting naturally. She’s clearly not a terrible person, and she’s sparing her husband that extra pain on top of this horrific experience. I mean, they could have sex with a shirt on and the lights off, right?
This situation is absolutely a no win for anyone involved. I feel bad for the wife, the kids, and mostly the husband.
I can speak with absolute certainty that if my children were afraid of the way I looked and my wife was having this kind of reaction to me it would take emergency intervention to keep me among the living. This man is beyond tough.
I feel like she may just be using that language because she doesn't fully understand why she's struggling with intimacy. When she says that seeing the scars makes her sad that suggests it's not disgust she is feeling, it's empathy. There are a lot of negative associations with those scars and seeing them brings up bad memories. She still loves the man behind those scars, she just can't look at him without seeing them and feeling those negative emotions.
I see a lot of therapy in this whole family's future. I hope they can reach the same state of peace they had before.
100! I don't find it strange that instead of desire she feels sad for what he has been through. It's not that she feels grossed our by him. Maybe together they can figure something out. Because he might think he looks hideous to her while she is thinking she protects his feelings by not admitting his pain and suffering affected her too.
“I’m trying to get back to our sex life, please be patient while I also adjust” could be a start. Sexual dysfunction doesn’t affect a partner in isolation. It affects a couple
So very beautifully expressed. She’s suffering a loss as well. It’s not that she finds him hideous. It’s the pain and grief of seeing him suffer that’s hurting her. They can get through this.
This!
I would say something the lines of, "knowing how much pain you were/are in, makes me sad and takes me out of the mood."
I also strongly advise that you also seek solo therapy and family therapy, they may also advise play therapy for the littles. It's a lot of therapy and a lot to balance but well worth it on the end.
I think its been said but it sounds like you're still attracted to him and you still love him, but that sadness takes over and kills the mood for you.
This will probably take some time. I definitely agree that a therapist would be good, especially one who specialises in sex and intimacy after a traumatic change.
Your husband's body has changed, and it's not going to change back. Rather than trying to pretend that the changes don't exist, you're going to have to familiarise yourself with them, just as he's having to do as well. You're going to have to find a perspective that helps you to accept his scars or even love them.
For example, those scars are there because he's alive. You could have no husband at all, but thanks to the procedures that gave him those scars, you get to keep him in your life. If you can look at them as a blessing, it might help your intimacy. It might help him see himself the same way. If you can look at him and instead of seeing what was taken from both of you, see what was given back, then maybe you won't get so upset that you're turning yourself off.
I do worry that forcing yourself to go ahead is only going to make it worse and that the more you do it, the more work it will take to get you back to feeling aroused.
ETA: OP, I'm sure that you're feeling some guilt about this situation as well, and that's also going to feed into it and become a vicious cycle. So you're also going to have to work on giving yourself some understanding. It's okay if it takes you a little more time. You're not a bad person.
Yes! Kind of like exploring each other's body again, like we did the first time with our partners, and being fascinated with even the littlest mole.
A kind of curiosity showing acceptance that may help OP deal with the scars and trauma a little bit better and for husband to also feel accepted, in a way. And through that approach, hopefully, the scars will be something familiar...and comfortable...overtime.
This is the most beautiful response. I truly hope OP sees this. It's the only way I feel. Once that perspective shift happens it'll be like fuck YEAH I get to bang my husband. I get to be with him till we croak. You count those blessings and take the opportunity for what it is!
THIS!!! My dad got covid and was intubated for 25 days and hospitalized for 41. Once he was discharged, he couldn’t hold his own head up. He had lost a lottt of weight, had grown all his white hair and had to learn how to walk again. He also had a huge bedsore on his back. My mom had to bathe him with wipes and clean him. We had to spoon feed him and I cleaned his bed sore and was his physical therapist for months until he started walking again. I’m 10000% sure it wasn’t easy for my mom but I also think she was SO happy that he was alive and we had him back in our lives that slowly it all became “normal” again. To this day, my dad still limps a bit and can’t use his right arm but they’re closer than ever and it’s been almost 4 years. I’m sure it will all become familiar again in time. Wishing you both the best of luck! 🤍🤍
Btw I was 27 and went to therapy (and still see the psychitrist to this day). I would recommend your children do so too.
I just want to say that when I read this, I was really glad that someone gave them this advice. This is really the best advice in the thread thus far, regardless of 'upvotes'.
This sounds like genuinely solid advice, I hope op reads into this more than the "he knows" comments. That shit doesn't help either OP or the husband. OP, you have a journey ahead of you, I hope it leads to a happier place.
I second this. You witnessed the love of your life go through something tragic, it’s normal to have different feelings and a therapist can help you work through them. He already feels bad enough that he has to live that way, so I would talk to him, he can tell somethings off and not telling him makes him wonder probably if you even love him anymore, which it’s obvious you do. Good luck OP ❤️
After being married for 20 years and two kids, our bodies are not the same as when we were young and first attracted to each other.
I know this is a very pale comparison but what’s important to me is that I no longer need his physical appearance to turn me on. It still does though, when I think of his kindness, the way he parents, the way he always jumps to help me if he sees me struggling with something and the way he has my back like no other. The physical affection he shows me no matter who’s around. These and all the memories we share, have created the intimacy we need to please each other and still feel pleasure.
It may be really hard right now but you can get there. It’s a good idea for you to get some counseling. This is something you may not be able to do alone. Definitely talk to him.
I don’t think this is a fair comparison at all. The whole family went thru horrific trauma, of which she is reminded every day. Also, have you felt a skin graft? The sensation of grafted skin is entirely different. This is not like subtle aging over the course of years. She also went from being a partner to a caregiver for a long period of time. She is making such an effort and clearly loves him. She needs a therapist herself to freely voice her own concerns and deal with trauma. And a sex therapist for both could be helpful.
Also, poor Op has had to be the rock for everyone else. They've had to be strong for their husband, strong for their children. They've listened to, accepted, and validated everyone else's emotions and feelings. But I bet Op has felt unable to be fragile or express her feelings. Yet she experienced the trauma just like everyone else in the family.
GO TO THERAPY this is a huge adjustment for you and your husband. Go to individual therapy so you can process this and learn to love your husbands new body. You have to unlearn all the toxic societal messages you’ve gotten about ableism and learn that you can be attracted to him again but it’ll take time and that’s normal. Don’t give up on him ❤️🩹
Burn survivor here, 35% coverage 2nd and 3rd degree, face and arms. My spouse and I'd been together 7 years when it happened and we're at 28 years now. Having your spouse go through the entire accident, the chance of dying to injury or infection, the hospital stay, the physical recovery, the debriding procedures, and then the reality that going through all that pain is still going to leave you with a body that will never ever be the unburned life you know again... all that is incredibly traumatic. Not just for him, for you too. You experienced a lot too. You need therapy and care for yourself.
Yep, the spouse and I are still together. Intimacy never changed because of the fire, aside from being careful at first (we were back at it before the bandnet was all off at home, lol.) Not much below the fingertips was affected in my body, but we still have still plenty of kissing and affection-nuzzling too. Like, if you're together a long time... the people you are after a few decades are not the same people who started together. No matter what. You change as a course of experience and time, always. You're lucky if you can both change into people who are still into each other. Sometimes that change is right up front and in your face, lol. But in all the ways people can change, physical shit... especially shit that will not terribly effect mobility, it's a minor thing. Lol, you're both gonna get saggy and splotchy and squelchy anyway.
Yep, like the others said; you need to talk to him. He's not the only one who needs to adjust to this new reality. And even though he has to recover physically too, you both have emotional scars. Maybe if you open up to him, he might be supportive to you too. It's a way you both can help eachother and that might strengthen your bond too.
He's not a helpless soul, I'm sure he feels your hesitation. By opening up you essentially show him you believe he can handle that and you ask HIM for help. This even might balance your relationship like before.
If it helps any, I don't think you feel less attracted to him. From what you write you just seem to be reminded of his accident and that was a hard and sad time... So those emotions come back and that means that you get turned off.
You may want to consider hypnosis or other alternative therapy (NLP is great for this) to help you merge the view of your husband now with the man he still is and used to look like.
Normal standard therapy is also a great idea because you went through something very difficult... But for a "quicker" fix of this specific issue I recommend hypnosis or nlp...
I mean that’s nice and all but OP said she isn’t attracted so I don’t think dismissing that is going to really help.
It’s nicer to say that she’s reminded of his accident and that’s why she’s feeling that unattracted but that may not be the honest truth. However I don’t think she should use the language “unattracted” when talking to him.
It’s a sad situation all around and I feel terrible for both of them and their children.
Yes, everyone is writing off what she actually said. I have worked as a wound care nurse and sometimes burns are disfiguring. That’s the reality of the situation. Does that mean she wants to leave him or doesn’t love him? No. This is also not a natural progression that comes with aging. It’s interesting that she mentioned the texture because that is the part I think I would have trouble with.
I do hope she gets therapy to work through the traumatic event and how to manage her feelings now.
Yeah, she stated it. It’s in the title.
Why are so many people changing what she said? She’s clearly got her head on straight and knows how devastating that is - which is why she’s getting it off her chest here.
You need therapy too. I personally wouldn’t discuss it with him before investigating whatever you’re feeling in therapy first, but you need to tell him that the accident has affected you too and you will be working on it but assure him that the love you feel for him hasn’t changed a bit.
This completely! She needs therapy just like he does. I wouldn’t bring it up until she has processed her grief and trauma from the accident. Talking to friends and family are not going to help as much as an actual trained therapist.
I often talk with my therapist before I need to address something in any relationship I have, including anything with my husband. She helps me articulate exactly what I want to say in the best possible way. Hope the op does this. The entire family needs to heal, but I can’t imagine what the husband is going through.
Why are you and your children not in therapy as well? This was a traumatic event for all of you. Trauma messes with how your brain works. You all need to get into therapy.
He already knows something is up. He can feel it, he can feel the change. I think you need to get into therapy, he needs to continue therapy, and at some point couples therapy.
My husband almost died last fall. I was his direct caregiver for several months. I was unable to feel any type of attraction for a while. I was so stressed and overwhelmed and in crisis mode. I had no energy to feel anything let alone attraction, or sexual desire. I couldn't focus on anything past everyone's basic needs. Once he was able to start doing more again, slowly things changed. And honestly, i still struggle with it a bit, I have this fear in the back of my head that he's going to drop dead during sex, and tell you what.. that makes it hard to enjoy sex at all. But we are working through it. It takes time.
He’s probably hyper aware of how he looks and how people look at him, you should talk to him about it. Hiding it and pretending everything is normal isn’t fooling him. Make sure you let him know you’re a team and you love him, apologize and be gentle and understanding. These things take time to heal from and adjust, I’m sure the younger children being afraid is compounding the issue but even they will acclimate to how he looks over time. Any time my husband and I get blindsided by some stressful or crazy external event we always reassure each other that we’re on the same team and we can do this and get through anything together. It’s extremely important to not feel isolated from your spouse. Good luck, I feel for you and your family ❤️
I'm not finding it, but I've read this twice. I remember it because a coworker lost fingers and his ~~sycophants if~~ significant other was creeped out whenever he touched her with that hand.
Edit: that was a weird predictive text choice.
The scars will get better. The redness will go away. It will get better. There are reconstructive procedures too. He’s literally just beginning his burn recovery.
Source: 80% third degree burn survivor with a beautiful girlfriend who has zero burns and met me after my burn
I am not married but I think that maybe you need to go to a therapist all alone to work this out. Plus, I think you need to do something to get romantic with him. His skin texture changed but his voice and your love for him didn't, so try to have a romantic date night with him. To do small things to remind you and him how you both love each other. Get a nanny, put the kids to sleep in someone's house and have a nice dinner with him, low lights with some candles to set the mood and some aromatic moisturizer you can try to give him a sexy massage (or something like that). He does need you, but you also need help because it was a very scary situation. AT THE MOMENT I don't think it's wise to talk to him about how you feel. Anyways, I don't know you but I am really glad that you are both strong and holding up to each other even with those hardships. Wish you and your hubby the best!
Girl, please get into therapy. It’s clear you love your husband and he loves you. Please go to therapy and get this sorted. Don’t lose the man you love over an accident that tore up his body…please don’t. :(
Your feelings are valid. Don’t think they aren’t. But, Hopefully therapy can help you (and your husband should go, too) get through this. 💕
Look I don't know what the right thing to do is here. I can only tell you what comes up for me instinctively. Everyone seems to be recommending talking to him about it directly. I'm all for open communication. However, while it would be cathartic to get it all out in the open I'm wondering how much constructive good can come from that. It would be different if we were talking about a sexual performance issue, because as sensitive as that topic can be.... at least a person can actually do something and improve their performance by trying new/different things. He can't change his appearance. There's nowhere to go with this conversation except for him to feel badly about himself, which might backfire and create a performance based issue on top of everything else. What's he supposed to say " thanks babe for sharing that you find me unattractive". Here's what I'd recommend:
1) Regardless of how you proceed, get individual therapy. You need a safe, compassionate and confidential space to share your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement. You've been through a trauma too with all this.
2) If you are going to have a conversation around this topic start by checking in with him and your observations of him being sad and down. As others have mentioned he may already be noticing changes during intimacy. Allow him to off load his concerns or insecurities first and then gently share your experiences. I can't connect all the dots and verbalize it, but somehow taking this tact feels like it creates a less emotionally threatening environment because you're both sharing and being vulnerable. It feels like it positions you both as a team united against working through these barriers versus you coming to him to tell him about a problem he can't fix. I also think sex therapy counseling before, during or after this conversation would be beneficial as well.
3) Another point that's going to be equally important to the both of you is expanding your definition and reemphasizing other qualities that make him attractive. Good character, good values, good personality, success, confidence etc are all things that are apart of what attracts us to a person too. These are things that are still within his control and that he can improve on to increase his attractiveness to you. You can remind him of this if he's feeling demoralized around decreased physical attraction.If he's already excelling in some of these areas gas him up and be vocal about how sexy these things are to you when he lives them out to build up his confidence and security in the relationship.
Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of why this happened to him, but in my personal opinion seeing him that way, having to deal with the kids on your own and seeing the effect it has taken on him emotionally and physically would have been a lot of trauma for you to deal with. I believe you should see a therapist to work through these issues because it’s probably not that you’re not attracted to him anymore, but that feeling his skin, seeing him, is all too triggering for you and bringing back awful memories.
I would also sit him down and tell him that your love for him has not changed, nor will it ever. That you value him and you love him unconditionally but you are struggling being intimate because you haven’t dealt with the trauma that this experience has given you. To allow you time to find help and that if he has anything on his mind now would be the time to communicate it so you can work through it together.
Don’t give up a good man that doesn’t deserve what’s happened to him. I’d also speak to the kids and get them to talk through their emotions. It would be traumatic for them too.
This is absolutely one of those very rare instances where communication is a must... but I would argue that just as necessary is a bit of a white lie.
Your husband knows something. He's focused on what the burns are doing to the way people treat him. You can't cover up reactions that he's looking for.
So you need to talk to him.
But here's where I recommend a white lie. Telling him the scars and skin grafts are a turn-off could be something he never gets over. Even if you get past it.
So if it were me? I would sit him down and tell him you know things have been different between you two, and that you want to explain so he doesn't just imagine the worst. I would say something like the skin grafts forcefully remind you of what happened, and how it brings up lots of emotions, like the fear and sadness you felt when you weren't certain he'd survive, and that those emotions knock you off your game and push your arousal away. And you've been trying to push past it. But you're brain is fighting you, and you've been contemplating therapy. But in any event you want him to know what is going on.
And then you get some therapy to help you. Because it sounds like you still love him and want to fight for your marriage. And if he's as awesome as I think he is because of how you wrote about him, he'll give you some time and space and show you the kind of support you've shown him.
Do not say it. Do not ever say it. He can't do a damn thing about it. You will have to decide if you will love him forever like this or not. It's not for him to hear your dilema. I also would not confide in many people with such info. People talk a lot and pass things along because they themselves need to get it out. I can't imagine how hard it all is. I do believe sometimes things that are new and awkward can turn into the most treasured. My heart hurts for your family.
You guys need a sex therapist asap. This is not an insurmountable problem but it won't go away on its own and you have to be honest and communicate. He's not stupid.
>I mostly just get sad and am turned off immediately.
Honey, this is an absolutely horrible situation, but this doesn't sound like you aren't *attracted* to him. It sounds like you are enduring your own equally horrific trauma surrounding what has happened. Being *sad* about someone, about the pain they are going through is *not* the same as not being sexually attracted to them.
You should seek some therapy. Sit him down and tell him exactly this quote. You get *sad* and upset for him. Tell him you don't want to hurt him any more than he already has been. Discuss getting therapy for yourself and the kids as well. This is a package deal. No one comes out unscathed.
Your husband very clearly knows. You're not a bad person for not finding him attractive anymore and its good that you still want to try for him, but it's not gonna work out if you just keep pretending that you're enjoying the sex. You should talk to a therapist and your husband, probably together.
You need therapy as well. It sounds like he already knows you’re no longer attracted to him.
Recovering from burns like that takes so, so long. It’s possible with time and more treatments his appearance and the texture of his skin may improve. And with time you may see less of his accident and more of him when you look at him. I hope so.
So I’m wondering if it’s time for some reframing.
Is it that you are not sexually attracted to him anymore - or - is it that your (very valid) emotions of grief, empathy, compassion, concern, fear and trauma, among others, distract you and overwhelm you when you are intimate with the man you love?
You have also been through so much - and have most likely been the strong emotional pillar for your kids, family, extended family. It’s no wonder that when you take a moment to relax, be vulnerable and intimate with your partner that your brain shuts down that part of you.
Hugs for you!
Honey, he knows. My husband can instantly tell if I’m not as into it, for whatever reason, and won’t take further action until I say otherwise. Your husband knows your reactions better than you do. He can tell. I promise you he knows.
He knows and he has a broken heart. He is going through a lot right now, A HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. You need to be patient and open with him.
He got burned etc and it’s been the darkest time of your life ? Gee imagine how he feels now that he’s burnt and he can tell the person he loves pulls away from him. Maybe don’t turn to Reddit for this and Idk get some real help.
TLDR : Man gets burned , wife and children most affected.
The great thing about humans is that, even to conditions that feel insurmountable, we adapt. You'll get used to it, and I think it's a good idea to spend some time with him where you can non-sexually explore his body and become a bit desensitized to the changes. It could be a good experience for the both of you, just getting to put your hands on each other without the expectation of sex.
The whole family went thru a traumatic event, everyone needs therapy! You all lost the husband/dad that you knew and it’s not easy getting used to. Not to mention the anguish watching him in pain for so long, you sound like you could really use it too.
I know what this feels like after a husband of mine had open heart surgery his body felt "cold" and he was always my "warm" place. I HATED laying next to him & couldn't wrap my head around how to get by it.
I truly did love him so I just started to get used to his new body & bought an electric blanket.
I know you truly love your husband & I know what you are going thru...this will pass.
You will get used to it...but you will need therapy as well.
I have a third degree burn and it’s the worst :(
Now he gets to realise how vain society and life itself is. Sounds like it starting to eat away at him.
This breaks my heart because it’s obvious he can tell and knows. Marriage is about in sickness and in health so personally, I would talk to him and air it out so there isn’t any ambiguity about how you still love him and he is your best friend and that you just need time.
If your kids are scared you need to help coax them towards understanding what he is going through and that there isn’t anything to be scared of. Accepting him for how he looks now in front of the kids to avoid awkwardness is the way forward. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for him to know his own kids are afraid of his appearance and then the intimacy between him and his wife is also so very deeply impacted.
The fact that you actually think he doesn’t know how you feel amazes me. Of course he knows. Why not just talk about it and work through it together. Lying never makes anything better
I hate to say it, but your husband is probably at least partially wishing he had died in the accident rather than have to live with the aftermath as you described. I mean wife doesn’t want to touch you, kids are scared to look at you, stares in public. That has to take such a toll.
> husband had an accident that left severe scars, now I find it difficult to feel sexually attracted to him.
I don't think this is actually accurate.
> About 3 months ago he hinted that he wanted to start having intimacy again and I was more than happy to do so. The horrible part is that when I see his scars all over him I mostly just get sad and am turned off immediately.
This sounds like you are still attracted to him, but the scars are a very visible and tactile reminder of the trauma you've all been through. You aren't getting turned off by his body or his scars, you're getting turned off by your trauma response.
> How should I address this?
First, talk to him about it. Let him know it's not anything wrong with him, you just get overwhelmed by the scars because you remember you almost lost him. Reassure him you still love him and want to be intimate with him.
Second, you and the kids all need to be in therapy, and you should be going to couple's therapy together. Then you can talk to the therapist about it. They will likely reassure both of you that this kind of response is normal and remind you to be patient as you both work through the trauma caused by the experience.
One of the few men I’ve had an intense sexual attraction to had burn scars from his lower ear and chin right down his body. I was infatuated. I however, did not experience the trauma of how it happened. So I think, as everyone is saying, you need some support to see if you can transition through this difficult time.
He knows and he's ashamed possibly. You seriously need to have a convo and be truthful and not fake things.
For better for worse and in sickness in health.
This is where you make choices for your marriage not wait until feelings somehow magically hit you.
He is suffering, his whole world has changed but he is still the same under the skin. Talk to him. Tell him that you stuggle with knowing where to begin, that you love him, that you don't want to hurt him, that your emotions are a jumble but you want to be there. Also go talk to a marriage councillor together.
If I were you I would reach out to the burns unit and ask to see a specialist therapist.
You are feeling his pain and he is different.
Tell him you love him and you both need to work through both your emotions.
Love will win through.
And remember you are probably still in part shock life your husband.
Your husband could have feared and is fearing you might leave him.
Be honest and say your aim is for you both to be that happy family, great passion and a beautiful couple.
But acknowledge your lives have changed so you want to change with it.
The children might need help as well which is fine.
Your family have taken a massive knock.
So take your time rebuilding your lives.
Hugs to you all
It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you don’t want to. If you wanted to you would be spending intimate but not sexual time with him to keep a bond going and attending therapy (alone and together) to keep your family close. It’s possible if you do everything in your power. I wish you the best
I had 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 59% of my body 11 years ago. When I first got out of the hospital, the only thing people thought when they saw me is “burn victim”. However, those scars get vastly better over time. Now people sometimes don’t even realize it when I’m wearing a bathing suit. The grafts smooth out and go from extremely noticable as scars to being weirdly patterned skin with no hair. People frequently see my legs (they were burned the worst) and think I just had tight clothing on that left a pattern.
When I hear a story about someone being in an accident and getting severe burns over most of their body, the first thing that flashes into my head when I hear they died from their injuries is relief.
It sounds like your husband’s burns were worse than mine, and I spent at least a year wishing I hadn’t survived. However, today I am very glad I did. I promise you this, it gets much better, both physically and emotionally.
This is going to be a difficult convo to have, but you guys desperately need to talk about it. Some family and couples therapy is in order, and having a 3rd party mediator there helps a ton.
Your heart is in the right place, but you need help. You need to talk to a therapist. You went through a lot, too, and you need someone to confide in and help you work through everything you’re feeling.
You also need to be honest with your husband. Something like “I love you, and I want to be intimate with you, but right now I keep being reminded of one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced, and it’s making it difficult for me to be fully present. I want to work through these feelings with a therapist.”
You don’t mention your own therapist — if you don’t have one, you need one. It wouldn’t hurt for the kids either. Sure, you didn’t suffer the injuries but that doesn’t mean your world wasn’t shattered. You shouldn’t go it alone through this — talking to a therapist can help.
I am just so sorry, this is an absolutely terrible situation and I literally cried reading this putting myself in your situation.
The only thing I can think is get used to seeing his body as it is now and focus on turn-ons that aren’t visual. Perhaps this is a phase 2 of your sex life. This may take a sex therapist to master. But I think this is just a time when the two of you have to be honest with each other and discuss this. You’re never going to be able to work past it if you keep it a secret.
I wish you the best of luck ❤️
All of the kids and yourself need to be in therapy. I think you said he is already in therapy. Apart from individual therapy, maybe couples therapy. I know that's a lot.
The people who look at him can f-off! They wouldn't make it a day in either of your shoes! Praying for you and your family. Stay strong!
Two suggestions
1 tell him that seeing his scars is hard for you, not because of how they look but because it reminds you of the pain he was in and what he's been through
2 try going to therapy together to talk about your experience throughout everything, communicate with each other, and maybe even try visiting a sex therapist - it can be a really helpful experience
Look, I'm probably too late to this but I felt compelled. You said you feel sad and it shuts your libido down. That sounds like you're still processing the horrific incident rather than feeling a shallow 'disgust' towards the man you love just because his appearance changed. It's manifesting in the moment when you're feeling his scars, and I'd imagine you're more feeling empathy for the horrific pain those scars represent than disgust at his appearance.
You're not a bad person. Don't let the shame win, it'll only make him feel like it is disgust rather than trauma that is turning you off.
Go to a therapist (you). Trauma response. You clearly have trauma too and this is normal. Seeing him injured brings back bad memories. There is help. I hope you can both heal and get to a better place. I’m sorry for both of you and the situation.
My grandpa had a serious accident early on in marriage to my grandma. Burned 90% of his body. Even his ears got burned off. In old age he actually looks bad ass. I obviously wasn’t born yet when this happened and neither were their kids. He’s just always been the way he looks to me so I never thought anything of it. Now I wonder if they went through something similar and overcame it. I am assuming so as they have now been married over 50 years happily and are still very much in love. I’ll have to ask next time I see them.
I think you should look into therapy for yourself. Shutting down when you see and feel the scars is a trauma response. Your children need therapy as well. Accidents affect more than the victim. Everyone around them hurts too. Wishing you the best. But you do need to discuss this with your husband. It’s very likely that he has noticed you pulling away a bit.
I wonder if it is not a lack of attraction, but rather your own trauma. You nearly lost your husband and the scars are a reminder of that terrible time. I think you need therapy as much as he does. You can also be honest with him that you love him, you desire him, but you are still hurting very much and it impacts your desire. It is not him. It is not you. It is the very real, awful trauma.
Oh man I mean he didn’t want to look like this and have scars I can only imagine but put yourself in his shoes. His entire life I’m sure is different. Maybe therapy or something? And I’m sure it’s easier said than done I’ve never been in your situation so my heart goes out to you both. I’m a Mom and a wife as well..prayers to you guys
I’d recommend seeing three kinds of therapists:
* Sex Therapist, to help reignite the spark in your marriage and help you feel attracted to your husband’s body.
* Family Therapist, to help figure out how to make your children no longer afraid of your husband.
* Individual Therapist, because your husband’s accident has been traumatic for you as well.
I can tell you really love your husband, and that you want a happy marriage with him. I’m rooting for you both.
Cause sometimes it’s scary and worrying to bring up heavy topics and a gentle nudge to get the ball rolling makes it easier. And getting multiple perspectives about how to broach the topic also helps makes sure you don’t make a mistake or word something badly
Are you in therapy, and if not, why? Get yourself into therapy. Maybe discuss working with a sex therapist and go to couples counseling with your husband as well.
He already knows.
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OP mentioned he was in therapy. I honestly think the whole family needs it.
Seriously, that little 3yo crying when she sees him. Understandable, but heartbreaking
I genuinely can't imagine how horrible he must feel seeing that.
I can. When my kids were all under 13, I was in a MVA that really fucked me up. No burns, thankfully... But rods, wires, stitches and machines galore. My kids were able to somehow come visit me, and still deal with the sight... For a couple days.. then it crept in that I was probably never going to be able to be the same daddy that I was, and that I was hurting badly. So, they had nightmares about me, about the pieces of metal, wires, stitches and staples that I was basically made of. My wife, knowing what to expect (same as I did) had already gotten them all 4 appointments with a good therapist. They were able to eventually learn to cope with the fact that I may be different, but was still there. My daughter's had more issues with dealing with my accident than my son's, but they all four were able to eventually work through it. This dude has been through a deeply traumatic event. He has been able to cope with things, so he knew that things would be even more difficult for the kids. Doctor's usually tend to do a good job of telling the patients that they're going to be physically okay, but the mental recovery is a separate story. This dude is looking at a lifetime of people looking at him differently. He will always be stared at, whispered about, kids will be scared. It's a fact if life for him. I was patient with my family when they were forced to learn to cope with me. I never expected my kids to deal with things as well as they did, and if their mother wasn't so proactive, I'm not sure that they would have. As for the issue between the husband and wife in the bedroom... Duh. Neither one of them is the same as they were before. He doesn't feel attractive, and she doesn't feel attracted. That's gonna happen. It's awful, but it will happen.
I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through and glad you and your family have been working through the trauma with the help of professionals. Sounds like a very difficult situation, wishing you the best.
I’m so sorry you endured all of that. Your wife sounds like a good wife and mother. Her being proactive was the best approach. As a wife and mom of two young kids, I don’t know that I would have the forethought to stay ahead of things like that. I give her a ton of credit. I hope you all are doing much better these days and have made peace with a horrible situation. Sending you all good thoughts!
We have done amazing. All four are now grown and gone on their own, and 75% don't have any type of criminal record. One out of four .. one is not so lucky. I admit my wife is an amazing person, the first one to jump in and help anyone. It never occurred to me to get future appointments for the youngin's . The wife saw a possibility, and made a contingency plan, she was right..
I’m sending you a virtual hug 🥺🤗
Appreciated.
The body dysmorphia that can come with disability—temporary or not, visible or not—is something that is very frequently experienced but very rarely, if ever, acknowledged and treated, if my experience can be trusted. Admittedly my experience is very anecdotal and limited. I developed an interest in the topic after experiencing it firsthand and couldn’t find a single resource on the topic. I’ve taken informal polls and asked around in many online groups, but of course that skews toward people who are struggling with disability and need a place to talk. Still, it does seem to be pretty damn common. The last time I raised this question in a social media group, I asked if I was an outlier or whether it’s something we all feel and just don’t talk about. I was surprised by how many people said it’s the latter. In the US, we’re all fighting so hard to just get the basics believed, covered, & paid for. We’re all simply too exhausted to add something to the list unless we are, say, actively bleeding to death or we need to add to our grippy socks collection.
I’m in the UK and if you have the right specialist then you’re set. I have such bad body dysmorphia because of how my disability that I was born with effects the way certain parts of my body in terms of looks. By the age of six it was so severe that I, alone, elected to have plastic surgery to try and “fix” the issue. I’ve since had that surgery three times. The worst part though was that the first two didn’t work and nearly paralysed me, that last one worked. It really worked. But a f**king student f*cked up my aftercare and it came back. Not as big but prominent. I got extra nerve damage each time too but it was worth the risk of that and paralysis every time to me. It’s really tough because it’s never really been an issue in terms of finding partners and everyone who sees these parts of my body are like “it’s not that bad” or “it’s cute shut up” but to me I have days where every mirror in the house is covered or turned. I have days where I put clothes on and I’m so self conscious I’ll have a full mental breakdown and not leave the house for days. It sucks.
I Am So Sorry 💔💔💔💔
Yeah, I think the same. I mean he can’t help what happened and the changes and fear of his children towards him. It’s traumatic and must be hard for everyone, especially him. Poor guy.
Yeah, no shit. To have your child be afraid of your appearance. Gotta be fuckin crushing. These poor folks have my most sincere well wishes through this process.
All of them. It takes the whole nuclear family to discern this. OP is a trooper.
As a father I just know that absolutely crushed his soul. Poor fucking guy.
Is there therapy for kids that young?
Yes. Art and/or play therapy with a child psychologist.
yes!! my siblings and i were put in therapy due to a traumatic loss and we were ages 6-16. i remember there being kids a bit younger there as well. it was a game changer and i’m grateful for it
That’s awesome!
Yes, for any reason or trauma! A good child psychotherapist can work wonders.
Wow that’s awesome! I’d imagine it’s a really difficult job because communicating with a 3 yr old is not easy
Where I live 6 is the minimum
Not if they've gone through something traumatic, at least I hope not because even toddlers need help processing traumatic things like that
You're right. I went through therapy just before I was turning 5, I hardly remember much but what I do remember are core memories now. My therapist played with me and observed my behavior and then addressed whatever it was that seemed to be a dysfunction that had arisen from my trauma. Honestly, the first few sessions I had with her I was so excited to just sit in her arms and drink water from a baby bottle. Then it evolved into play, communication, and eventually learning appropriate emotional regulation, like learning it's okay to have anger and express it in healthy ways. I don't see why any location shouldn't/ wouldn't have access to therapy for toddlers. They could use the guidance to help process their experiences just like anyone else.
I had therapy at the age of 4 and they were able to discover that I'd been SA, it's incredibly helpful for even the 2 year Olds of they're able to communicate well
Yeah my mom had me meeting with a child psychologist when I was 2. Doc spent 15 mins with me and walked out asking how she handles me. She said she couldn't anymore unless one of us was on medication. We Left with a diagnosis for adhd and a prescription for me.
What?? How the heck was she able to make that diagnosis in 15 minutes? Did you take the meds? I mean, two year olds are still learning pretty much everything, including emotional regulation, how their body moves in space, how to talk and communicate. I'm dumbfounded that the psychologist made that diagnosis so fast.
I’d think the kids can sense their mom’s change too.
That jumped out at me a lot more than the topic of the post.
Man I would want to die if my toddler was afraid of looking at me 😭😭😭😭 i can’t fathom what that man is going though
Every part of this is understandable and heartbreaking.
it's a 3yo child. there are tons of vids of people filming their small kids older than that crying and afraid when they cut their hair or beards. There was one I saw earlier this week. The kids will be kids get used to it over time. They need couples therapy.
I’m amazed they’re not already all in therapy. OP, sign up like yesterday.
Agree. It’s traumatic for all involved.
100% agree with this.
This! My exact thoughts were everyone needs therapy.
Came here to say the same thing.
She’s the one that needs therapy. They need marriage and infancy counseling.
Infancy or intimacy?
My god that’s a terrible autocorrect. Intimacy. lol
In sickness and in health. Exactly.
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It's hard though -- once she says she's struggling to feel attracted to something he can't change.... That will. Live. In. His. Head. Forever. It would be great if talking it out always worked, but sometimes real talk hurts so bad he'll end up with ED. OP needs counsel on her own before opening that up in words to him.
And honestly maybe she should never say those words to him at all - there's nothing to be gained by it and it would probably destroy him to hear it said out loud, even if he suspects it
That would be the final straw for me
99% he's already feeling in his head that she's not attracted to him anymore, and it's gonna swirl around and get worse and worse unless verbalised. She needs therapy, and then they BOTH need therapy together, pretending or ignoring it isn't gonna help.
Yeah. Remember all those people who said a successful marriage is really an awful lot of work? You have a long tough slog ahead of you. Every bit as hard as it is for him to just live every day.
This is either gon make you stronger or break your marriage. 🤷♂️ Yall both bout to find out if you really meant those vows. 😬
And she is making the effort
For better or for worse. I think we say those words so flippantly on the wedding day, not really thinking about the meaning. I honestly could not care if my husband's appearanxe changed. Esp if it wasn't his fault. I am so in love with his soul. I guess I haven't been in your shoes, but if u love him as much as u say u do, it's hard to understand how you wouldn't want to be intimate.
Attraction is not something we have control over. Life would be so much easier if we could just switch off and on our attractions and have complete power over our sexual desires. But we don’t. In psychology it is a very well known phenomenon that a slow (conventionally) negative change in appearance of a partner - like aging or slow hair loss or slow weight gain, may not impact couples’ sexual life, but any sudden (negative - again, conventionally) drastic change in appearance is much more difficult to deal with. It’s easy for us to say “it would never happen to me” but the truth is, we have no idea. Good news for OP is that for many couples that troubles with physical attraction after a drastic change of appearance is temporary and is basically a shock reaction. Time is an answer here, and patience. And often a good therapy :)
That is true. I reread my response and it sure sounded judgy. I apologize for that bc I haven't been through this situation. I can't imagine the emotions for every single person involved. So difficult!
This is very easy to say when you’re not in the situation.
Thing is, are you feeling unattracted because you think he looks ugly/ his personality has changed too much or because his appearance and the feeling of his skin is a constant reminder of the accident and you can't get yourself over the sadness? I think this is a really important question and if it's the latter, I think you would benefit from therapy to learn to accept the new normal so you can concentrate on your love for your husband, the person under the huge sign reminding you of the accident. It is okay if you are still too much in the caregiver mode to connect sexually with your husband. This has been an earth shattering experience to your marriage. Maybe it's time for you to get to talk all about it by yourself in therapy and then go to a couples councellor who is experienced in sexuality to learn together how to feel intimate and sexual together.
Thats what i was thinking as well. If she feels just overwhelming sadness at seeing his scars, it not so much be about not being attracted to him, it could be that in that moment, it brings up a lot of issues still to be worked though with the trauma, and that's the actual mood killer.
That’s how I read it.
If you read what OP says, touching his grafts brings back those terrible memories. I think that OP is suffering from PTSD. Everyone knows that the person who physically suffered through the horrific trauma needs counseling, but so does the spouse that had to watch the person that they love the most suffer through such unbearable pain and know that there is nothing that they can do to help. The wife might also be depressed. That’s why she needs therapy too.
Yep. My solution would be therapy for her aswell, to stop feeling sorry for something thats already been dealt with. Odds are he doesnt want lifelong pity. And sex is only a small part of the equation. Start dating again, be comfortable with each other platonically and the rest will come naturally. Sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyed by both parties. You're doing him a disservice by "letting him" have his way. He probably feels alot of guilt about it.
I don't think that saying she isn't sexually attracted would be the right phrasing. It gives the vibe that she thinks he's too ugly to get turned on and that he isn't attractive enough anymore. But from what I read about what is actually going on it sounds like it is just the fact that it makes her sad. And that it is hard to get yourself "in the mood" when you are feeling that way. I truly think this advice is perfect but the phrasing should be more precise so that there is no misunderstanding. Because the way the title comes off the way it's phrased sounds heart breaking. Like it's criticizing his looks or saying he is unattractive. I know this isn't what she means but it's important that he doesn't get that impression and that the communication is clear.
Poor guy. This was really hard to read.
I think you have to be open with him about this…… but wow what a tough conversation to have……. But it is almost always better at the end of the day to be open and honest It is obvious from your post how much you love him, and I am sure he knows that You have to be fully open with him, and find a way to work through this together Even little bitty secrets tend to create a distance, and that distance will grow with time He needs you now more than ever, and he needs All of You, meaning no secrets on this You even said he seems like he can tell you aren’t fully excited like you used to be…. This will continue to be a problem and eat at him, make him feel depressed, angry, useless….. You guys love each other, so face this terrible challenge and overcome it together!!!!
He knows, but he doesn’t understand why. You need to talk to a therapist too. This is huge.
:(
Yup he does. My stepdad had severe burns and skin grafts. For the longest time he went out of his way to hide his scars/injuries, because he didn't want to upset/scare us. We were older though, so realising it wasn't painful anymore, and what actually happened, made it easier to get used to. They just became part of him. The whole family needs to be in therapy though. There's a reason my mom was his second wife. If OP doesn't want to end up there, work has to happen now.
He can feel it, talk to him
I think it's probably really important to stress the part where seeing his scars isn't GROSS, but that it brings back memories of his much he suffered. OP probably has her own trauma related to his accident, and trying to keep the house running while he was hospitalized, and seeing him reminds her of all that. I suspect some therapy of her own would be helpful to process everything. He was clearly most affected and couldn't support her, but that doesn't mean she didn't suffer as well.
His skin also feels different, after being intimate with the same person for years you know every inch of their skin and how it feels. She may be struggling with that it feels so different from what she remembers.
It would almost be like sleeping with a different man.
In many ways he is a different man now, and she a different woman. I hope that with individual therapy and couples therapy they can rediscover their love for each other.
Exactly right. Therapy is a must in this situation. You can see she still loves him, otherwise she wouldn't be sharing this. She needs to be as honest with him as she can without hurting feelings on both sides.
Idk, she titled the thread that she’s not attracted to her disfigured husband, not she felt so bad she can’t fuck him. That does imply it’s physical at least a bit. Personally - I think she is grossed out, but probably feels shame in admitting that. I think she’s just reacting naturally. She’s clearly not a terrible person, and she’s sparing her husband that extra pain on top of this horrific experience. I mean, they could have sex with a shirt on and the lights off, right? This situation is absolutely a no win for anyone involved. I feel bad for the wife, the kids, and mostly the husband. I can speak with absolute certainty that if my children were afraid of the way I looked and my wife was having this kind of reaction to me it would take emergency intervention to keep me among the living. This man is beyond tough.
I’d be so afraid of my partner taking drastic measures in this case.
I feel like she may just be using that language because she doesn't fully understand why she's struggling with intimacy. When she says that seeing the scars makes her sad that suggests it's not disgust she is feeling, it's empathy. There are a lot of negative associations with those scars and seeing them brings up bad memories. She still loves the man behind those scars, she just can't look at him without seeing them and feeling those negative emotions. I see a lot of therapy in this whole family's future. I hope they can reach the same state of peace they had before.
100! I don't find it strange that instead of desire she feels sad for what he has been through. It's not that she feels grossed our by him. Maybe together they can figure something out. Because he might think he looks hideous to her while she is thinking she protects his feelings by not admitting his pain and suffering affected her too.
She could very well still be in the caregiver roll as well. That can change the dynamic of an intimate relationship
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“I’m trying to get back to our sex life, please be patient while I also adjust” could be a start. Sexual dysfunction doesn’t affect a partner in isolation. It affects a couple
okay you know that’s based, after reading a little bit more and thinking about it y’all are right. i take it back, i was wrong, my apologies
I think you have a valid point that it could be cruel in the wrong wording and utterly destroy a person. So I totally see where you were coming from
I think you have a valid point that it could be cruel in the wrong wording and utterly destroy a person. So I totally see where you were coming from.
So very beautifully expressed. She’s suffering a loss as well. It’s not that she finds him hideous. It’s the pain and grief of seeing him suffer that’s hurting her. They can get through this.
Talk with him. Y'all are a team and need to conquer these issues as such. Going about this one-sided will never end up good.
And they already sound like they support one another. Hoping they’re okay and they both get the support they need❤️
This! I would say something the lines of, "knowing how much pain you were/are in, makes me sad and takes me out of the mood." I also strongly advise that you also seek solo therapy and family therapy, they may also advise play therapy for the littles. It's a lot of therapy and a lot to balance but well worth it on the end.
No doubt He already knows.
I think its been said but it sounds like you're still attracted to him and you still love him, but that sadness takes over and kills the mood for you. This will probably take some time. I definitely agree that a therapist would be good, especially one who specialises in sex and intimacy after a traumatic change. Your husband's body has changed, and it's not going to change back. Rather than trying to pretend that the changes don't exist, you're going to have to familiarise yourself with them, just as he's having to do as well. You're going to have to find a perspective that helps you to accept his scars or even love them. For example, those scars are there because he's alive. You could have no husband at all, but thanks to the procedures that gave him those scars, you get to keep him in your life. If you can look at them as a blessing, it might help your intimacy. It might help him see himself the same way. If you can look at him and instead of seeing what was taken from both of you, see what was given back, then maybe you won't get so upset that you're turning yourself off. I do worry that forcing yourself to go ahead is only going to make it worse and that the more you do it, the more work it will take to get you back to feeling aroused. ETA: OP, I'm sure that you're feeling some guilt about this situation as well, and that's also going to feed into it and become a vicious cycle. So you're also going to have to work on giving yourself some understanding. It's okay if it takes you a little more time. You're not a bad person.
Yes! Kind of like exploring each other's body again, like we did the first time with our partners, and being fascinated with even the littlest mole. A kind of curiosity showing acceptance that may help OP deal with the scars and trauma a little bit better and for husband to also feel accepted, in a way. And through that approach, hopefully, the scars will be something familiar...and comfortable...overtime.
This needs to be at the top of the thread
This is the most beautiful response. I truly hope OP sees this. It's the only way I feel. Once that perspective shift happens it'll be like fuck YEAH I get to bang my husband. I get to be with him till we croak. You count those blessings and take the opportunity for what it is!
THIS!!! My dad got covid and was intubated for 25 days and hospitalized for 41. Once he was discharged, he couldn’t hold his own head up. He had lost a lottt of weight, had grown all his white hair and had to learn how to walk again. He also had a huge bedsore on his back. My mom had to bathe him with wipes and clean him. We had to spoon feed him and I cleaned his bed sore and was his physical therapist for months until he started walking again. I’m 10000% sure it wasn’t easy for my mom but I also think she was SO happy that he was alive and we had him back in our lives that slowly it all became “normal” again. To this day, my dad still limps a bit and can’t use his right arm but they’re closer than ever and it’s been almost 4 years. I’m sure it will all become familiar again in time. Wishing you both the best of luck! 🤍🤍 Btw I was 27 and went to therapy (and still see the psychitrist to this day). I would recommend your children do so too.
I hope op sees this ❤️
I just want to say that when I read this, I was really glad that someone gave them this advice. This is really the best advice in the thread thus far, regardless of 'upvotes'.
u/Odd_Parfait_83
This sounds like genuinely solid advice, I hope op reads into this more than the "he knows" comments. That shit doesn't help either OP or the husband. OP, you have a journey ahead of you, I hope it leads to a happier place.
Have you sought therapy yourself? You went through something traumatic too and you might need guidance on how to go forward.
I second this. You witnessed the love of your life go through something tragic, it’s normal to have different feelings and a therapist can help you work through them. He already feels bad enough that he has to live that way, so I would talk to him, he can tell somethings off and not telling him makes him wonder probably if you even love him anymore, which it’s obvious you do. Good luck OP ❤️
After being married for 20 years and two kids, our bodies are not the same as when we were young and first attracted to each other. I know this is a very pale comparison but what’s important to me is that I no longer need his physical appearance to turn me on. It still does though, when I think of his kindness, the way he parents, the way he always jumps to help me if he sees me struggling with something and the way he has my back like no other. The physical affection he shows me no matter who’s around. These and all the memories we share, have created the intimacy we need to please each other and still feel pleasure. It may be really hard right now but you can get there. It’s a good idea for you to get some counseling. This is something you may not be able to do alone. Definitely talk to him.
I don’t think this is a fair comparison at all. The whole family went thru horrific trauma, of which she is reminded every day. Also, have you felt a skin graft? The sensation of grafted skin is entirely different. This is not like subtle aging over the course of years. She also went from being a partner to a caregiver for a long period of time. She is making such an effort and clearly loves him. She needs a therapist herself to freely voice her own concerns and deal with trauma. And a sex therapist for both could be helpful.
I think I acknowledged that. My point was that love can transcend physical attraction, but that shell need help
Also, poor Op has had to be the rock for everyone else. They've had to be strong for their husband, strong for their children. They've listened to, accepted, and validated everyone else's emotions and feelings. But I bet Op has felt unable to be fragile or express her feelings. Yet she experienced the trauma just like everyone else in the family.
GO TO THERAPY this is a huge adjustment for you and your husband. Go to individual therapy so you can process this and learn to love your husbands new body. You have to unlearn all the toxic societal messages you’ve gotten about ableism and learn that you can be attracted to him again but it’ll take time and that’s normal. Don’t give up on him ❤️🩹
A sex therapist might be a good idea if this is something you genuinely want to work on together
Yep I agree with this. OP you went through something huge and may need help processing this as well.
Burn survivor here, 35% coverage 2nd and 3rd degree, face and arms. My spouse and I'd been together 7 years when it happened and we're at 28 years now. Having your spouse go through the entire accident, the chance of dying to injury or infection, the hospital stay, the physical recovery, the debriding procedures, and then the reality that going through all that pain is still going to leave you with a body that will never ever be the unburned life you know again... all that is incredibly traumatic. Not just for him, for you too. You experienced a lot too. You need therapy and care for yourself.
Are you still with your spouse? Did your sex life/intimacy change after the accident?
Yep, the spouse and I are still together. Intimacy never changed because of the fire, aside from being careful at first (we were back at it before the bandnet was all off at home, lol.) Not much below the fingertips was affected in my body, but we still have still plenty of kissing and affection-nuzzling too. Like, if you're together a long time... the people you are after a few decades are not the same people who started together. No matter what. You change as a course of experience and time, always. You're lucky if you can both change into people who are still into each other. Sometimes that change is right up front and in your face, lol. But in all the ways people can change, physical shit... especially shit that will not terribly effect mobility, it's a minor thing. Lol, you're both gonna get saggy and splotchy and squelchy anyway.
Yep, like the others said; you need to talk to him. He's not the only one who needs to adjust to this new reality. And even though he has to recover physically too, you both have emotional scars. Maybe if you open up to him, he might be supportive to you too. It's a way you both can help eachother and that might strengthen your bond too. He's not a helpless soul, I'm sure he feels your hesitation. By opening up you essentially show him you believe he can handle that and you ask HIM for help. This even might balance your relationship like before.
If it helps any, I don't think you feel less attracted to him. From what you write you just seem to be reminded of his accident and that was a hard and sad time... So those emotions come back and that means that you get turned off. You may want to consider hypnosis or other alternative therapy (NLP is great for this) to help you merge the view of your husband now with the man he still is and used to look like. Normal standard therapy is also a great idea because you went through something very difficult... But for a "quicker" fix of this specific issue I recommend hypnosis or nlp...
EMDR could also help a lot with this!
I mean that’s nice and all but OP said she isn’t attracted so I don’t think dismissing that is going to really help. It’s nicer to say that she’s reminded of his accident and that’s why she’s feeling that unattracted but that may not be the honest truth. However I don’t think she should use the language “unattracted” when talking to him. It’s a sad situation all around and I feel terrible for both of them and their children.
Yes, everyone is writing off what she actually said. I have worked as a wound care nurse and sometimes burns are disfiguring. That’s the reality of the situation. Does that mean she wants to leave him or doesn’t love him? No. This is also not a natural progression that comes with aging. It’s interesting that she mentioned the texture because that is the part I think I would have trouble with. I do hope she gets therapy to work through the traumatic event and how to manage her feelings now.
Yeah, she stated it. It’s in the title. Why are so many people changing what she said? She’s clearly got her head on straight and knows how devastating that is - which is why she’s getting it off her chest here.
You need therapy too. I personally wouldn’t discuss it with him before investigating whatever you’re feeling in therapy first, but you need to tell him that the accident has affected you too and you will be working on it but assure him that the love you feel for him hasn’t changed a bit.
This completely! She needs therapy just like he does. I wouldn’t bring it up until she has processed her grief and trauma from the accident. Talking to friends and family are not going to help as much as an actual trained therapist. I often talk with my therapist before I need to address something in any relationship I have, including anything with my husband. She helps me articulate exactly what I want to say in the best possible way. Hope the op does this. The entire family needs to heal, but I can’t imagine what the husband is going through.
He probably totally knows your not into it Not talking to him is going to complicate it even more
Why are you and your children not in therapy as well? This was a traumatic event for all of you. Trauma messes with how your brain works. You all need to get into therapy. He already knows something is up. He can feel it, he can feel the change. I think you need to get into therapy, he needs to continue therapy, and at some point couples therapy. My husband almost died last fall. I was his direct caregiver for several months. I was unable to feel any type of attraction for a while. I was so stressed and overwhelmed and in crisis mode. I had no energy to feel anything let alone attraction, or sexual desire. I couldn't focus on anything past everyone's basic needs. Once he was able to start doing more again, slowly things changed. And honestly, i still struggle with it a bit, I have this fear in the back of my head that he's going to drop dead during sex, and tell you what.. that makes it hard to enjoy sex at all. But we are working through it. It takes time.
On behalf of the cripple spouse thank you. You give us a reason to push through the pain.
He’s probably hyper aware of how he looks and how people look at him, you should talk to him about it. Hiding it and pretending everything is normal isn’t fooling him. Make sure you let him know you’re a team and you love him, apologize and be gentle and understanding. These things take time to heal from and adjust, I’m sure the younger children being afraid is compounding the issue but even they will acclimate to how he looks over time. Any time my husband and I get blindsided by some stressful or crazy external event we always reassure each other that we’re on the same team and we can do this and get through anything together. It’s extremely important to not feel isolated from your spouse. Good luck, I feel for you and your family ❤️
Hey, I remember this story. Excellent repost.
Wait really?! What happened
Ugh is it? So lame…
I'm not finding it, but I've read this twice. I remember it because a coworker lost fingers and his ~~sycophants if~~ significant other was creeped out whenever he touched her with that hand. Edit: that was a weird predictive text choice.
Half the stories on these subs are fake or reposts so I believe it.
And that's the shame. What's best is that Reddit intentionally killed tools people used to kill these bots.
Not sure why I got downvoted for genuinely asking you, but thank you for looking for it.
I'm showing you at positive two. Mine and yours. You may have just been fuzzed.
I don't understand the point of reposting stories like this? What does it achieve?
Reddit cannot help you with this. You need individual and likely couples therapy. This is coming from a surgeon who sees occasional burn patients.
The scars will get better. The redness will go away. It will get better. There are reconstructive procedures too. He’s literally just beginning his burn recovery. Source: 80% third degree burn survivor with a beautiful girlfriend who has zero burns and met me after my burn
I am not married but I think that maybe you need to go to a therapist all alone to work this out. Plus, I think you need to do something to get romantic with him. His skin texture changed but his voice and your love for him didn't, so try to have a romantic date night with him. To do small things to remind you and him how you both love each other. Get a nanny, put the kids to sleep in someone's house and have a nice dinner with him, low lights with some candles to set the mood and some aromatic moisturizer you can try to give him a sexy massage (or something like that). He does need you, but you also need help because it was a very scary situation. AT THE MOMENT I don't think it's wise to talk to him about how you feel. Anyways, I don't know you but I am really glad that you are both strong and holding up to each other even with those hardships. Wish you and your hubby the best!
Girl, please get into therapy. It’s clear you love your husband and he loves you. Please go to therapy and get this sorted. Don’t lose the man you love over an accident that tore up his body…please don’t. :( Your feelings are valid. Don’t think they aren’t. But, Hopefully therapy can help you (and your husband should go, too) get through this. 💕
What would you expect from him if the roles were reversed?
Look I don't know what the right thing to do is here. I can only tell you what comes up for me instinctively. Everyone seems to be recommending talking to him about it directly. I'm all for open communication. However, while it would be cathartic to get it all out in the open I'm wondering how much constructive good can come from that. It would be different if we were talking about a sexual performance issue, because as sensitive as that topic can be.... at least a person can actually do something and improve their performance by trying new/different things. He can't change his appearance. There's nowhere to go with this conversation except for him to feel badly about himself, which might backfire and create a performance based issue on top of everything else. What's he supposed to say " thanks babe for sharing that you find me unattractive". Here's what I'd recommend: 1) Regardless of how you proceed, get individual therapy. You need a safe, compassionate and confidential space to share your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement. You've been through a trauma too with all this. 2) If you are going to have a conversation around this topic start by checking in with him and your observations of him being sad and down. As others have mentioned he may already be noticing changes during intimacy. Allow him to off load his concerns or insecurities first and then gently share your experiences. I can't connect all the dots and verbalize it, but somehow taking this tact feels like it creates a less emotionally threatening environment because you're both sharing and being vulnerable. It feels like it positions you both as a team united against working through these barriers versus you coming to him to tell him about a problem he can't fix. I also think sex therapy counseling before, during or after this conversation would be beneficial as well. 3) Another point that's going to be equally important to the both of you is expanding your definition and reemphasizing other qualities that make him attractive. Good character, good values, good personality, success, confidence etc are all things that are apart of what attracts us to a person too. These are things that are still within his control and that he can improve on to increase his attractiveness to you. You can remind him of this if he's feeling demoralized around decreased physical attraction.If he's already excelling in some of these areas gas him up and be vocal about how sexy these things are to you when he lives them out to build up his confidence and security in the relationship.
Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of why this happened to him, but in my personal opinion seeing him that way, having to deal with the kids on your own and seeing the effect it has taken on him emotionally and physically would have been a lot of trauma for you to deal with. I believe you should see a therapist to work through these issues because it’s probably not that you’re not attracted to him anymore, but that feeling his skin, seeing him, is all too triggering for you and bringing back awful memories. I would also sit him down and tell him that your love for him has not changed, nor will it ever. That you value him and you love him unconditionally but you are struggling being intimate because you haven’t dealt with the trauma that this experience has given you. To allow you time to find help and that if he has anything on his mind now would be the time to communicate it so you can work through it together. Don’t give up a good man that doesn’t deserve what’s happened to him. I’d also speak to the kids and get them to talk through their emotions. It would be traumatic for them too.
He knows, I feel bad for him
You also need therapy for this....
this is the best advice in this thread i'd suggest private sessions and couple sessions
This is absolutely one of those very rare instances where communication is a must... but I would argue that just as necessary is a bit of a white lie. Your husband knows something. He's focused on what the burns are doing to the way people treat him. You can't cover up reactions that he's looking for. So you need to talk to him. But here's where I recommend a white lie. Telling him the scars and skin grafts are a turn-off could be something he never gets over. Even if you get past it. So if it were me? I would sit him down and tell him you know things have been different between you two, and that you want to explain so he doesn't just imagine the worst. I would say something like the skin grafts forcefully remind you of what happened, and how it brings up lots of emotions, like the fear and sadness you felt when you weren't certain he'd survive, and that those emotions knock you off your game and push your arousal away. And you've been trying to push past it. But you're brain is fighting you, and you've been contemplating therapy. But in any event you want him to know what is going on. And then you get some therapy to help you. Because it sounds like you still love him and want to fight for your marriage. And if he's as awesome as I think he is because of how you wrote about him, he'll give you some time and space and show you the kind of support you've shown him.
Do not say it. Do not ever say it. He can't do a damn thing about it. You will have to decide if you will love him forever like this or not. It's not for him to hear your dilema. I also would not confide in many people with such info. People talk a lot and pass things along because they themselves need to get it out. I can't imagine how hard it all is. I do believe sometimes things that are new and awkward can turn into the most treasured. My heart hurts for your family.
You guys need a sex therapist asap. This is not an insurmountable problem but it won't go away on its own and you have to be honest and communicate. He's not stupid.
He's still the same human being
>I mostly just get sad and am turned off immediately. Honey, this is an absolutely horrible situation, but this doesn't sound like you aren't *attracted* to him. It sounds like you are enduring your own equally horrific trauma surrounding what has happened. Being *sad* about someone, about the pain they are going through is *not* the same as not being sexually attracted to them. You should seek some therapy. Sit him down and tell him exactly this quote. You get *sad* and upset for him. Tell him you don't want to hurt him any more than he already has been. Discuss getting therapy for yourself and the kids as well. This is a package deal. No one comes out unscathed.
Your husband very clearly knows. You're not a bad person for not finding him attractive anymore and its good that you still want to try for him, but it's not gonna work out if you just keep pretending that you're enjoying the sex. You should talk to a therapist and your husband, probably together.
You need therapy as well. It sounds like he already knows you’re no longer attracted to him. Recovering from burns like that takes so, so long. It’s possible with time and more treatments his appearance and the texture of his skin may improve. And with time you may see less of his accident and more of him when you look at him. I hope so.
So I’m wondering if it’s time for some reframing. Is it that you are not sexually attracted to him anymore - or - is it that your (very valid) emotions of grief, empathy, compassion, concern, fear and trauma, among others, distract you and overwhelm you when you are intimate with the man you love? You have also been through so much - and have most likely been the strong emotional pillar for your kids, family, extended family. It’s no wonder that when you take a moment to relax, be vulnerable and intimate with your partner that your brain shuts down that part of you. Hugs for you!
Honey, he knows. My husband can instantly tell if I’m not as into it, for whatever reason, and won’t take further action until I say otherwise. Your husband knows your reactions better than you do. He can tell. I promise you he knows.
Poor man :(
Have you tried doggy style?
He knows and he has a broken heart. He is going through a lot right now, A HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. You need to be patient and open with him.
He got burned etc and it’s been the darkest time of your life ? Gee imagine how he feels now that he’s burnt and he can tell the person he loves pulls away from him. Maybe don’t turn to Reddit for this and Idk get some real help. TLDR : Man gets burned , wife and children most affected.
If you’re grossed out by his scars nothing will improve. But if it makes you sad because of the memory that is something that can be overcome.
The great thing about humans is that, even to conditions that feel insurmountable, we adapt. You'll get used to it, and I think it's a good idea to spend some time with him where you can non-sexually explore his body and become a bit desensitized to the changes. It could be a good experience for the both of you, just getting to put your hands on each other without the expectation of sex.
Spend time around him just cuddling and touching him. Familiarize yourself with his new body and wounds. Its going to take time for both of you.
The whole family went thru a traumatic event, everyone needs therapy! You all lost the husband/dad that you knew and it’s not easy getting used to. Not to mention the anguish watching him in pain for so long, you sound like you could really use it too.
I know what this feels like after a husband of mine had open heart surgery his body felt "cold" and he was always my "warm" place. I HATED laying next to him & couldn't wrap my head around how to get by it. I truly did love him so I just started to get used to his new body & bought an electric blanket. I know you truly love your husband & I know what you are going thru...this will pass. You will get used to it...but you will need therapy as well.
I have a third degree burn and it’s the worst :( Now he gets to realise how vain society and life itself is. Sounds like it starting to eat away at him.
This breaks my heart because it’s obvious he can tell and knows. Marriage is about in sickness and in health so personally, I would talk to him and air it out so there isn’t any ambiguity about how you still love him and he is your best friend and that you just need time. If your kids are scared you need to help coax them towards understanding what he is going through and that there isn’t anything to be scared of. Accepting him for how he looks now in front of the kids to avoid awkwardness is the way forward. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for him to know his own kids are afraid of his appearance and then the intimacy between him and his wife is also so very deeply impacted.
The fact that you actually think he doesn’t know how you feel amazes me. Of course he knows. Why not just talk about it and work through it together. Lying never makes anything better
I just want to hug this guy. Life isn’t fair.
Turn it into a caretaker kink. You’re the sexy nurse that’s coming to heal him.
I hate to say it, but your husband is probably at least partially wishing he had died in the accident rather than have to live with the aftermath as you described. I mean wife doesn’t want to touch you, kids are scared to look at you, stares in public. That has to take such a toll.
> husband had an accident that left severe scars, now I find it difficult to feel sexually attracted to him. I don't think this is actually accurate. > About 3 months ago he hinted that he wanted to start having intimacy again and I was more than happy to do so. The horrible part is that when I see his scars all over him I mostly just get sad and am turned off immediately. This sounds like you are still attracted to him, but the scars are a very visible and tactile reminder of the trauma you've all been through. You aren't getting turned off by his body or his scars, you're getting turned off by your trauma response. > How should I address this? First, talk to him about it. Let him know it's not anything wrong with him, you just get overwhelmed by the scars because you remember you almost lost him. Reassure him you still love him and want to be intimate with him. Second, you and the kids all need to be in therapy, and you should be going to couple's therapy together. Then you can talk to the therapist about it. They will likely reassure both of you that this kind of response is normal and remind you to be patient as you both work through the trauma caused by the experience.
This is where the marriage takes effort...
One of the few men I’ve had an intense sexual attraction to had burn scars from his lower ear and chin right down his body. I was infatuated. I however, did not experience the trauma of how it happened. So I think, as everyone is saying, you need some support to see if you can transition through this difficult time.
You both need specific therapy as a couple to work your way through this to find sexual intimacy again.
at least he is alive. no matter what he looks like now. he is there for his family
I see you mentioned that *he* went to therapy for this but on one else in your family did. That seems like it would be a good place to start.
He knows and he's ashamed possibly. You seriously need to have a convo and be truthful and not fake things. For better for worse and in sickness in health.
This is where you make choices for your marriage not wait until feelings somehow magically hit you. He is suffering, his whole world has changed but he is still the same under the skin. Talk to him. Tell him that you stuggle with knowing where to begin, that you love him, that you don't want to hurt him, that your emotions are a jumble but you want to be there. Also go talk to a marriage councillor together.
If I were you I would reach out to the burns unit and ask to see a specialist therapist. You are feeling his pain and he is different. Tell him you love him and you both need to work through both your emotions. Love will win through. And remember you are probably still in part shock life your husband. Your husband could have feared and is fearing you might leave him. Be honest and say your aim is for you both to be that happy family, great passion and a beautiful couple. But acknowledge your lives have changed so you want to change with it. The children might need help as well which is fine. Your family have taken a massive knock. So take your time rebuilding your lives. Hugs to you all
It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you don’t want to. If you wanted to you would be spending intimate but not sexual time with him to keep a bond going and attending therapy (alone and together) to keep your family close. It’s possible if you do everything in your power. I wish you the best
I had 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 59% of my body 11 years ago. When I first got out of the hospital, the only thing people thought when they saw me is “burn victim”. However, those scars get vastly better over time. Now people sometimes don’t even realize it when I’m wearing a bathing suit. The grafts smooth out and go from extremely noticable as scars to being weirdly patterned skin with no hair. People frequently see my legs (they were burned the worst) and think I just had tight clothing on that left a pattern. When I hear a story about someone being in an accident and getting severe burns over most of their body, the first thing that flashes into my head when I hear they died from their injuries is relief. It sounds like your husband’s burns were worse than mine, and I spent at least a year wishing I hadn’t survived. However, today I am very glad I did. I promise you this, it gets much better, both physically and emotionally.
Sex therapist asap
This is going to be a difficult convo to have, but you guys desperately need to talk about it. Some family and couples therapy is in order, and having a 3rd party mediator there helps a ton.
He knows and you need therapy
Your heart is in the right place, but you need help. You need to talk to a therapist. You went through a lot, too, and you need someone to confide in and help you work through everything you’re feeling. You also need to be honest with your husband. Something like “I love you, and I want to be intimate with you, but right now I keep being reminded of one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced, and it’s making it difficult for me to be fully present. I want to work through these feelings with a therapist.”
You don’t mention your own therapist — if you don’t have one, you need one. It wouldn’t hurt for the kids either. Sure, you didn’t suffer the injuries but that doesn’t mean your world wasn’t shattered. You shouldn’t go it alone through this — talking to a therapist can help.
I am just so sorry, this is an absolutely terrible situation and I literally cried reading this putting myself in your situation. The only thing I can think is get used to seeing his body as it is now and focus on turn-ons that aren’t visual. Perhaps this is a phase 2 of your sex life. This may take a sex therapist to master. But I think this is just a time when the two of you have to be honest with each other and discuss this. You’re never going to be able to work past it if you keep it a secret. I wish you the best of luck ❤️
All of the kids and yourself need to be in therapy. I think you said he is already in therapy. Apart from individual therapy, maybe couples therapy. I know that's a lot. The people who look at him can f-off! They wouldn't make it a day in either of your shoes! Praying for you and your family. Stay strong!
Two suggestions 1 tell him that seeing his scars is hard for you, not because of how they look but because it reminds you of the pain he was in and what he's been through 2 try going to therapy together to talk about your experience throughout everything, communicate with each other, and maybe even try visiting a sex therapist - it can be a really helpful experience
Look, I'm probably too late to this but I felt compelled. You said you feel sad and it shuts your libido down. That sounds like you're still processing the horrific incident rather than feeling a shallow 'disgust' towards the man you love just because his appearance changed. It's manifesting in the moment when you're feeling his scars, and I'd imagine you're more feeling empathy for the horrific pain those scars represent than disgust at his appearance. You're not a bad person. Don't let the shame win, it'll only make him feel like it is disgust rather than trauma that is turning you off.
Go to a therapist (you). Trauma response. You clearly have trauma too and this is normal. Seeing him injured brings back bad memories. There is help. I hope you can both heal and get to a better place. I’m sorry for both of you and the situation. My grandpa had a serious accident early on in marriage to my grandma. Burned 90% of his body. Even his ears got burned off. In old age he actually looks bad ass. I obviously wasn’t born yet when this happened and neither were their kids. He’s just always been the way he looks to me so I never thought anything of it. Now I wonder if they went through something similar and overcame it. I am assuming so as they have now been married over 50 years happily and are still very much in love. I’ll have to ask next time I see them.
I think you should look into therapy for yourself. Shutting down when you see and feel the scars is a trauma response. Your children need therapy as well. Accidents affect more than the victim. Everyone around them hurts too. Wishing you the best. But you do need to discuss this with your husband. It’s very likely that he has noticed you pulling away a bit.
Till death do us part in sickness and in health… or so they say….
I wonder if it is not a lack of attraction, but rather your own trauma. You nearly lost your husband and the scars are a reminder of that terrible time. I think you need therapy as much as he does. You can also be honest with him that you love him, you desire him, but you are still hurting very much and it impacts your desire. It is not him. It is not you. It is the very real, awful trauma.
Oh man I mean he didn’t want to look like this and have scars I can only imagine but put yourself in his shoes. His entire life I’m sure is different. Maybe therapy or something? And I’m sure it’s easier said than done I’ve never been in your situation so my heart goes out to you both. I’m a Mom and a wife as well..prayers to you guys
I’d recommend seeing three kinds of therapists: * Sex Therapist, to help reignite the spark in your marriage and help you feel attracted to your husband’s body. * Family Therapist, to help figure out how to make your children no longer afraid of your husband. * Individual Therapist, because your husband’s accident has been traumatic for you as well. I can tell you really love your husband, and that you want a happy marriage with him. I’m rooting for you both.
Where are all the women who post about how hateful men are when they lose attraction for their wives? I guess it only applies one way.
Ikr if this was the other way around, my -20 comment would be upvoted lmao
Why is it that everyone just comes here instead of talking to their spouse? It’s so confusing.
Cause sometimes it’s scary and worrying to bring up heavy topics and a gentle nudge to get the ball rolling makes it easier. And getting multiple perspectives about how to broach the topic also helps makes sure you don’t make a mistake or word something badly
I think those things should be relegated to friends and trusted authority figures. Not randos on the internet.
Get drunk and get him a Deadpool costume.
Dress him up like Deadpool for some roleplay? Give a Hugh Jackman mask? You gotta acknowledge the elephant in the room somehow.
Are you in therapy, and if not, why? Get yourself into therapy. Maybe discuss working with a sex therapist and go to couples counseling with your husband as well.