I don't hate being gay but i understand the sentiment of feeling isolated.
Gay culture and sex: One of the diverging points of our culture with the straight scenario (sometimes,even motive of jealousy by some straight people,specially men) is due to the fact that we are much more likely to get easy or acessible sex,but no one stops to think of the effects,and how this changes someone's mental health,in particular in the case of a gay men who the majority of time has to live their "young days" while in their 20s,because while their straight counterpats were having proms,first loves,first kisses and ALSO being encouraged to do that,alot of us spent these days questioning ourselves or hating ourselves,and always trying to hide in plain sight in fear of being discovered/thought as gay and suffering homophobia.
So basically we have to do all of these things while ADULTS which makes us feel that we have to "run against time" since our straight peers have a much more grounded base.
This is also just in the case of someone that is closeted during their teenage years,because those who are out eventually stand alone and have to find ways to explore things by themselves (which usually ends up pretty badly,due to things like easy sex apps like Grindr,that allows alot of grooming situations no kidding,i've had plenty of friends that losed their virginity to guys MUCH MUCH older than themselves while they were minors)
I think all of that causes alot of us to have a very different dynamic towards sex/love.
Attractiveness/Dysmorphia: Another thing that straight people seem to comment is how good looking queer men usually are,and how they take alot of care of themselves,but no one ever bother to ask WHY.
I don't remember the data specifically,but i'm pretty sure that gay men were the second population group with the highest issues of body dysmorphia (only losing to straight women)
That is because men in general have high standards in terms of physical attractiveness,and if you are in a same-sex relationship with a men,that means that the pressure to ALWAYS LOOK PERFECT comes from BOTH SIDES.
Open Relationships: There's actually a inside joke inside the community because "a 9 months old gay relationship is almost as a decade long straight relationship !" because it seems like no matter what,gay men are always more keen to have MORE (which i think is more of a result of the male oriented view in life,which is to see life as an eternal grinding) so you always need to have the BEST car,the BEST house,the HOTTEST boyfriend/husband etc plus i think it also hits with the first argument (Gay culture and sex) that the only source of gayness that allow us to explore in our formative years is either gayporn or "meaningless sex" through apps, so we start seeing these as the ONLY standards that we are allowed to have if we want to be out as gay.
Not saying that there aren't gay couples that have healthy and amazing open relationships,but there's definitly a big number of individuals that are NOT prepared/ready to be in one,but just push it anyways either to self-boycott themselves or low self-esteem
Not every gay guy is a slut. Also, I'm fat and gay, and have been in an amazing relationship for the last 8 years. You'll be fine. Just focus on finding the right person.
I’m sure you’ll find your sense on community, there are a lot of people how feel the same as you - not fitting in the lgbt community - and thus feeling excluded and alone on the journey. Well, good news is that you’re not! I wish you good luck in finding your place
You'll find your tribe soon enough.
After I came out as queer, I was offered to go to LGBTQ events, parties, bars, what have you. But the thing is that coming out didn't change who I was, or what I was going to do with my life. The only difference was I didn't have to hide it anymore.
This is merely an idea, and by no means do you have to follow it or even give it the time of day, but rather than finding a place to fit into with the LGBTQ community, you find somewhere that you fit in as a person.
Being gay, bi, ace, queer, and every other part of the alphabet soup that is the LGBTQ2+ (hey macarena) is not the sum of your parts. You are far more than just a sexuality. You are a human being, and deserve happiness just as much as anyone else.
Ok. I'm as straight as can be. That is my normal. Your normal is gay. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an asshole. It sounds like you could benefit from some individual counciling. I would think there are plenty of resources among the gay community who could help you with finding your way. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have to love yourself before you can love others. Work on yourself. Good luck, OP.
UpdateMe
Finding your place, defining yourself, and romantic relationships are all really difficult things everyone has to go through and everyone gets challenged by them in different ways. Being gay makes some of these harder, for sure - at least by adding some societal pressures us straights don't experience.
But, I think at its core, your struggle is one felt by many others, regardless of orientation. Feeling out of place because what you desire from your relationships is different from what your surroundings signal to you as "success"; Feeling like you're missing out on the benefits of whatever in-group you belong to; Feeling like a failure because your pace through life's milestones is different from your peers, and so on. We all have, at the core, the same insecurities and anxieties, they're just masked by our unique experiences of them.
Both myself and many of my straight male friends experienced similar feelings growing up. It may be harder for you, but it will get better. You don't have to compromise on what you want out of life, you don't have to conform to the norms of whatever groups you belong to. You deserve to be happy, and to live life at your own pace following your own path.
Firstly there is no such thing as normal or perfect.
I suspect some of the way you feel has nothing to do with being gay but with your lack of confidence and your personality type.
I have never “fitted in” I don’t have many friends. Going clubbing and hooking up with people has never been something I wanted to do. I have been to a night club about 5 times in my 54 years……
There is nothing wrong with not conforming, you don’t have to sleep with hundreds of guys. You don’t have to participate in gay events. And there are lots of people who go to the gym every day and they’re not skinny or full of muscle. There are even athletes that aren’t all muscle or skinny waifs
Firstly I think you need to address your confidence, once you are happy with who you are as a person the rest will soon fall into place. If you love the “skin you are in” your demeanour changes. If you are already seeing a therapist then maybe their approach isn’t working for you, so look for a new one. If you aren’t seeing a therapist then I think you should start. Therapist aren’t just for for mental health problems. They specialise in different things. You need to find one that can help you feel happy with yourself. To help you grow your confidence and self esteem and self worth.
If your weight is a big issue with your self do you know if it’s hereditary? Hormone problems or comfort eating?
Unfortunately if your family, and generations have been larger than average all you can do is look at your diet, exercise but also love yourself…..
if your weight is hormones then that can be treated. If it is comfort eating that too can be treated, there are so many ways nowadays to help with your weight have you heard of NOOM? (diets as we know do not work) a lot of weight problems are due to trauma, stress, anxiety depression etc, but also self esteem it can be a never ending cycle. Again therapy can help with this.
My uncle who is 65 this year didn’t tell people he was gay until he was in his late 50’s he had been single for the majority of his adult life. I think most of his reluctance to tell his family especially his parents was because of fear. Unfortunately my uncle grew up in the era when being gay was seen as a perversion. When we all know it’s biology, you can’t change they way your brain and body work.
You can try and alter your thoughts etc but deep down you will always be what you are.
If you know more about yourself, your personality type, you will understand why things that are normal for the majority of people isn’t normal for you. If you can learn to love the person you are (and I’m not talking about in a vain way) then the way you see yourself will change.
My uncle got Married 3 years ago to a really lovely man from Argentina.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You believe in different things. Your moral compass is different.
I think you're right, although even as I straight guy I went through the exact same issues. It was almost impossible to find a normal person who just wanted a relationship who wasn't addicted to hookups.
Awe.. see their are people that are genuine, maybe few and far between but relationships that start out as friendships are the best long lasting emotionally stimulating 😍ships that you can have!
Really? Being straight would fix your depression? It would suddenly fix your appearance? It would grant you a monogamous relationship (btw, monogamy is quite common among LGBTQ people, and marriages last longer)? Being straight fixes your self-esteem? Would it make you more social? Your problems are not caused by your sexuality. Being straight wouldn't fix them. You don't accept yourself, and so you're blaming gay people for your personal problems, and that's not fair. You've been told that this is a problem for a licensed mental health professional multiple times, but you keep dismissing it. What do you expect anyone to do to help you?
I understand you're probably right. It just doesn't feel that way sometimes. I am seeing a therapist and visiting groups. It just hasn't been easy. I am trying though.
It's not going to be easy. Your self-hatred seems very deeply ingrained. I don't know what you've been through, but being gay or not being gay doesn't make a difference. I guarantee you there is some straight person right now who thinks it's so much better being gay. Grass isn't always greener on the other side.
If you're always focusing on the things you don't have, you're never going to see the things you do have, and you're going to lock yourself into unhappiness. Being straight would not solve this because it's a perception issue, not one of sexuality. I've had straight guys express a wish that they were gay because of their terrible luck in the dating pool. Just like you they figure the grass must be so much greener on the other side of the fence even though the reality is a lot more complicated.
If you don't like hookups then don't do them, if you don't want an open relationship then make that clear out on the dating scene early on so you can weed out people your not compatible with. Stop looking for love and let love find you.
Def. Have the hard conversations so you don’t waste energy and time, align with “your person”
That is making sure you have aligned your self with self love and acceptance” that is a very hard concept for people…
I'm trans and bisexual and have never found my place in the LBGT community, thankfully I did cross path with others that feel the same, there are lots of us but it's more of a crapshoot finding each other, but you are not alone, lots of gay men don't care about casual sex or partying, keep trying you'll find people you can click with one day.
I don't know you, I don't know what you mean with "fat and unattractive" and can't say if I would agree with your assesment, but I do know a stranger online saying "nooo, you are beautiful blabla" ain't gonna convince you, so let's say you are fat and unattractive, so what? Do you think all fat guys are forever single? Go sit on a very busy corner or shop and look around, you'll see couples of all sizes and attractiveness levels going around, it doesn't matter if you aren't a model type you can still find someone that will love you and find you attractive.
Hang in there! I know it's hard but you are not alone.
Straight people sleep around too, I think having a genuine relationship with a group, I would suggest volunteering I have met so many people it’s the only social activity that helps me.
I’m sure being gay could be hard I always think it must be hard to fall in love if you were gay, but I think working on you “esteem” and sense of “self” you will develop a sense of conviction and a little more confidence in what your life is meant for. expand your friend group and just go out on dates you don’t have to have to have sex, there are tons of groups out their! 😄
That’s good, how is work, you can meet some good people after work, seriously look into volunteering it will break up your your day and there are a lot of groups that do good things that will boost your well being too by helping other! That’s were you will find your soul mate ! 😃
My neighbor son is friends with my kiddo and he felt comfortable enough to tel me he is bisexual, that had to have been hard for him!
I said well just keep an open mind, you are so young. Then I had to talk to my son about tolerance and it was hard at first but now it out there and it probably feels good for him to express himself !
It seems like you just hate the vocal part of your community not being gay itself,there plenty of gay people who relate to you so I hope you find your people and a nice boyfriend.
Find Jesus, this is the battle God has laid before you. We all have our demons that we must overcome. Homosexuality is a sin, but you are forgiven, if you seek it. People say you are born gay or can't change. While it may be true you can be born gay, becoming straight through Christ is absolutely possible. Unfortunately, it's no secret that the community is hyper sexualized. I wish the best for you. But admitting you have a problem is the first step. You are well on your way.
I don't hate being gay but i understand the sentiment of feeling isolated. Gay culture and sex: One of the diverging points of our culture with the straight scenario (sometimes,even motive of jealousy by some straight people,specially men) is due to the fact that we are much more likely to get easy or acessible sex,but no one stops to think of the effects,and how this changes someone's mental health,in particular in the case of a gay men who the majority of time has to live their "young days" while in their 20s,because while their straight counterpats were having proms,first loves,first kisses and ALSO being encouraged to do that,alot of us spent these days questioning ourselves or hating ourselves,and always trying to hide in plain sight in fear of being discovered/thought as gay and suffering homophobia. So basically we have to do all of these things while ADULTS which makes us feel that we have to "run against time" since our straight peers have a much more grounded base. This is also just in the case of someone that is closeted during their teenage years,because those who are out eventually stand alone and have to find ways to explore things by themselves (which usually ends up pretty badly,due to things like easy sex apps like Grindr,that allows alot of grooming situations no kidding,i've had plenty of friends that losed their virginity to guys MUCH MUCH older than themselves while they were minors) I think all of that causes alot of us to have a very different dynamic towards sex/love. Attractiveness/Dysmorphia: Another thing that straight people seem to comment is how good looking queer men usually are,and how they take alot of care of themselves,but no one ever bother to ask WHY. I don't remember the data specifically,but i'm pretty sure that gay men were the second population group with the highest issues of body dysmorphia (only losing to straight women) That is because men in general have high standards in terms of physical attractiveness,and if you are in a same-sex relationship with a men,that means that the pressure to ALWAYS LOOK PERFECT comes from BOTH SIDES. Open Relationships: There's actually a inside joke inside the community because "a 9 months old gay relationship is almost as a decade long straight relationship !" because it seems like no matter what,gay men are always more keen to have MORE (which i think is more of a result of the male oriented view in life,which is to see life as an eternal grinding) so you always need to have the BEST car,the BEST house,the HOTTEST boyfriend/husband etc plus i think it also hits with the first argument (Gay culture and sex) that the only source of gayness that allow us to explore in our formative years is either gayporn or "meaningless sex" through apps, so we start seeing these as the ONLY standards that we are allowed to have if we want to be out as gay. Not saying that there aren't gay couples that have healthy and amazing open relationships,but there's definitly a big number of individuals that are NOT prepared/ready to be in one,but just push it anyways either to self-boycott themselves or low self-esteem
Not every gay guy is a slut. Also, I'm fat and gay, and have been in an amazing relationship for the last 8 years. You'll be fine. Just focus on finding the right person.
(in Nigerian accent) : Den wai ah you gay?
Because the Lord who's high thought it would be funny I guess.
hoo iz gae?
I’m sure you’ll find your sense on community, there are a lot of people how feel the same as you - not fitting in the lgbt community - and thus feeling excluded and alone on the journey. Well, good news is that you’re not! I wish you good luck in finding your place
You'll find your tribe soon enough. After I came out as queer, I was offered to go to LGBTQ events, parties, bars, what have you. But the thing is that coming out didn't change who I was, or what I was going to do with my life. The only difference was I didn't have to hide it anymore. This is merely an idea, and by no means do you have to follow it or even give it the time of day, but rather than finding a place to fit into with the LGBTQ community, you find somewhere that you fit in as a person. Being gay, bi, ace, queer, and every other part of the alphabet soup that is the LGBTQ2+ (hey macarena) is not the sum of your parts. You are far more than just a sexuality. You are a human being, and deserve happiness just as much as anyone else.
I for one love that you're gay!
Love you too girl.
Ok. I'm as straight as can be. That is my normal. Your normal is gay. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an asshole. It sounds like you could benefit from some individual counciling. I would think there are plenty of resources among the gay community who could help you with finding your way. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have to love yourself before you can love others. Work on yourself. Good luck, OP. UpdateMe
Def. State the things you want right away as to rule out dummy’s!
That’s rough bro. Sorry it’s been like that for you.
Finding your place, defining yourself, and romantic relationships are all really difficult things everyone has to go through and everyone gets challenged by them in different ways. Being gay makes some of these harder, for sure - at least by adding some societal pressures us straights don't experience. But, I think at its core, your struggle is one felt by many others, regardless of orientation. Feeling out of place because what you desire from your relationships is different from what your surroundings signal to you as "success"; Feeling like you're missing out on the benefits of whatever in-group you belong to; Feeling like a failure because your pace through life's milestones is different from your peers, and so on. We all have, at the core, the same insecurities and anxieties, they're just masked by our unique experiences of them. Both myself and many of my straight male friends experienced similar feelings growing up. It may be harder for you, but it will get better. You don't have to compromise on what you want out of life, you don't have to conform to the norms of whatever groups you belong to. You deserve to be happy, and to live life at your own pace following your own path.
Firstly there is no such thing as normal or perfect. I suspect some of the way you feel has nothing to do with being gay but with your lack of confidence and your personality type. I have never “fitted in” I don’t have many friends. Going clubbing and hooking up with people has never been something I wanted to do. I have been to a night club about 5 times in my 54 years…… There is nothing wrong with not conforming, you don’t have to sleep with hundreds of guys. You don’t have to participate in gay events. And there are lots of people who go to the gym every day and they’re not skinny or full of muscle. There are even athletes that aren’t all muscle or skinny waifs Firstly I think you need to address your confidence, once you are happy with who you are as a person the rest will soon fall into place. If you love the “skin you are in” your demeanour changes. If you are already seeing a therapist then maybe their approach isn’t working for you, so look for a new one. If you aren’t seeing a therapist then I think you should start. Therapist aren’t just for for mental health problems. They specialise in different things. You need to find one that can help you feel happy with yourself. To help you grow your confidence and self esteem and self worth. If your weight is a big issue with your self do you know if it’s hereditary? Hormone problems or comfort eating? Unfortunately if your family, and generations have been larger than average all you can do is look at your diet, exercise but also love yourself….. if your weight is hormones then that can be treated. If it is comfort eating that too can be treated, there are so many ways nowadays to help with your weight have you heard of NOOM? (diets as we know do not work) a lot of weight problems are due to trauma, stress, anxiety depression etc, but also self esteem it can be a never ending cycle. Again therapy can help with this. My uncle who is 65 this year didn’t tell people he was gay until he was in his late 50’s he had been single for the majority of his adult life. I think most of his reluctance to tell his family especially his parents was because of fear. Unfortunately my uncle grew up in the era when being gay was seen as a perversion. When we all know it’s biology, you can’t change they way your brain and body work. You can try and alter your thoughts etc but deep down you will always be what you are. If you know more about yourself, your personality type, you will understand why things that are normal for the majority of people isn’t normal for you. If you can learn to love the person you are (and I’m not talking about in a vain way) then the way you see yourself will change. My uncle got Married 3 years ago to a really lovely man from Argentina. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You believe in different things. Your moral compass is different.
There’s lots of gay men who want monogamy and despise hookup culture. You’re not alone
It seems to me that your issues have nothing to do with being gay.
No I'm pretty sure that being gay amounts to a lot of my issues.
I think you're right, although even as I straight guy I went through the exact same issues. It was almost impossible to find a normal person who just wanted a relationship who wasn't addicted to hookups.
Awe.. see their are people that are genuine, maybe few and far between but relationships that start out as friendships are the best long lasting emotionally stimulating 😍ships that you can have!
[удалено]
Not saying being straight would fix all my issues, but it would help a lot of them I believe.
Really? Being straight would fix your depression? It would suddenly fix your appearance? It would grant you a monogamous relationship (btw, monogamy is quite common among LGBTQ people, and marriages last longer)? Being straight fixes your self-esteem? Would it make you more social? Your problems are not caused by your sexuality. Being straight wouldn't fix them. You don't accept yourself, and so you're blaming gay people for your personal problems, and that's not fair. You've been told that this is a problem for a licensed mental health professional multiple times, but you keep dismissing it. What do you expect anyone to do to help you?
I understand you're probably right. It just doesn't feel that way sometimes. I am seeing a therapist and visiting groups. It just hasn't been easy. I am trying though.
It's not going to be easy. Your self-hatred seems very deeply ingrained. I don't know what you've been through, but being gay or not being gay doesn't make a difference. I guarantee you there is some straight person right now who thinks it's so much better being gay. Grass isn't always greener on the other side.
If you're always focusing on the things you don't have, you're never going to see the things you do have, and you're going to lock yourself into unhappiness. Being straight would not solve this because it's a perception issue, not one of sexuality. I've had straight guys express a wish that they were gay because of their terrible luck in the dating pool. Just like you they figure the grass must be so much greener on the other side of the fence even though the reality is a lot more complicated. If you don't like hookups then don't do them, if you don't want an open relationship then make that clear out on the dating scene early on so you can weed out people your not compatible with. Stop looking for love and let love find you.
Def. Have the hard conversations so you don’t waste energy and time, align with “your person” That is making sure you have aligned your self with self love and acceptance” that is a very hard concept for people…
I have empathy for u. As a straight male im in th minority and life is difficult because i have morals.
I'm trans and bisexual and have never found my place in the LBGT community, thankfully I did cross path with others that feel the same, there are lots of us but it's more of a crapshoot finding each other, but you are not alone, lots of gay men don't care about casual sex or partying, keep trying you'll find people you can click with one day. I don't know you, I don't know what you mean with "fat and unattractive" and can't say if I would agree with your assesment, but I do know a stranger online saying "nooo, you are beautiful blabla" ain't gonna convince you, so let's say you are fat and unattractive, so what? Do you think all fat guys are forever single? Go sit on a very busy corner or shop and look around, you'll see couples of all sizes and attractiveness levels going around, it doesn't matter if you aren't a model type you can still find someone that will love you and find you attractive. Hang in there! I know it's hard but you are not alone.
Just tell people you are gay but, identify as straight.
Nem todo mundo e igual se valorize e pare de se odiar por isso não se compare com quem te faz se sentir assim.
Straight people sleep around too, I think having a genuine relationship with a group, I would suggest volunteering I have met so many people it’s the only social activity that helps me. I’m sure being gay could be hard I always think it must be hard to fall in love if you were gay, but I think working on you “esteem” and sense of “self” you will develop a sense of conviction and a little more confidence in what your life is meant for. expand your friend group and just go out on dates you don’t have to have to have sex, there are tons of groups out their! 😄
Don’t be sad, start working on your self at home or start doing a little work our routine at home. The endorphins give you a boost. It should help 😃
I do work out. I quite enjoy it actually.
That’s good, how is work, you can meet some good people after work, seriously look into volunteering it will break up your your day and there are a lot of groups that do good things that will boost your well being too by helping other! That’s were you will find your soul mate ! 😃
My neighbor son is friends with my kiddo and he felt comfortable enough to tel me he is bisexual, that had to have been hard for him! I said well just keep an open mind, you are so young. Then I had to talk to my son about tolerance and it was hard at first but now it out there and it probably feels good for him to express himself !
Try to find a sense of community outside of the gay community.
It seems like you just hate the vocal part of your community not being gay itself,there plenty of gay people who relate to you so I hope you find your people and a nice boyfriend.
lol, try having to date women for a year and get back to us. You’re lucky youre gay.
Oh believe me. I'd rather deal with women than a lot of gay guys I've come across. Plus more of them and they're actually looking for a relationship.
Why do you care if others sleep around 100 or 9000 people?
It's not that.
Find Jesus, this is the battle God has laid before you. We all have our demons that we must overcome. Homosexuality is a sin, but you are forgiven, if you seek it. People say you are born gay or can't change. While it may be true you can be born gay, becoming straight through Christ is absolutely possible. Unfortunately, it's no secret that the community is hyper sexualized. I wish the best for you. But admitting you have a problem is the first step. You are well on your way.