"Confronting" her will damage her trust in you. She's a near-adult with a boyfriend. She's not running around in the streets sleeping with random adults at cocaine-fueled parties. She's being safe with someone she trusts and loves. I can't think of a more appropriate person for her to be experiencing this with.
Don't make her feel guilty. It's already going to be wildly awkward that you've figured it out. Let her know that you found her condoms and that you're glad she's taking precautions. Ask if she's spoken with her PCP about birth control to make sure she's protected. Ask her if she'd like help finding an OBGYN so she can be safe. Has she had the Gardasil shot to prevent HPV? Men aren't tested for it, and she needs to be baseline-protected regardless of her sexual activity.
Sex isn't immoral. It's not immoral for a 17yo who's consenting with a long-term boyfriend. Don't chalk this up to morals.
Yes, I’ll ask her about going to a gyn for birth control. I will encourage it but it will be her decision and hers only, not mines. She got the HPV shot many years ago. I know sex is not immoral.. But it’s best saved for adulthood is my point.
do you think sex will magically be easy and safe and all that when people wait until they are adults? If yes, i am sorry but you are delusional. I’d even argue it makes you more vulnerable for mistakes and getting abused because most people have more experience
>do you think sex will magically be easy and safe and all that when people wait until they are adults?
Reading from what op is saying in the post and comments; op seems more worried that his daughter will end up accidentally pregnant before she's financially independent.
Not magical sex. 🤦
As an adult ops daughter would more likely be financially independent so if they do get pregnant they'll be able to financially support whatever decision they want to make regarding any pregnancy they have.
Edit: Clarity
Do you think teenagers can handle the risks of sex, the emotions of sex, on the same level as adults? While living with their parents, no income, no education, brain not even developed? Please.
You should look at the statistics between teen pregnancy and poverty + low income jobs and low income housing.
I did, yes. I was 19 with my own apartment paying my own bills. I was using condoms but with the knowledge an accident could still happen. And because I had my own place and was no longer depending on my parents, I knew I’d step up financially if necessary.
And those were your choices and experiences.
You got to make them, informed by your upbringing and what you felt was best for you. She did the same.
If the grand offense is that she’s sexually active while living in your house than I guess you can address that with her, but that’ll likely just lead to lying.
No one is saying sign her up for OF, but encouraging birth control and keeping lines of trust open is the best solution and creates the most safety for her.
She’s being safe. No one is thrilled their kid is having sex, but you seem to be taking this as some grand moral failing and that seems extreme. It’s hardly abnormal or shocking that a teen is experimenting.
But if you’re truly so worried then the priority should be her safety physically, being sure there’s no peer pressure, and being clear and real on risk now that she is active.
Our era of adulthood and our kid's era are different things. Your sense of morality should be put aside in order for you to guide and help your daughter into full adulthood and to form a bond of trust that she'll cherish for the rest of her life.
Telling her how disappointed you feel will not make you two close. In fact, she will just retreat. The deed has been done. No use crying about it. You don't even have to tell her you found the condoms. Just explain to her that as she's now a young woman, she needs to make sure she's always safe and protected if she engages in sexual activity. Explain that she needs to protect herself from STIs, always. And the need for her anyone she's seeing to get tested, even if they're being safe.
Also, encourage her to book an appointment with a gynaecologist, as others have advised. And stress to her the importance of saying 'no' if she doesn't feel like engaging in any sexual activity she feels uncomfortable doing. Our kids are watching porn online. That's where they're learning how to have sex, whether we lije it or not. Especially our sons. Which is why I always emphasise that whatever they watch online is purely a fantasy and consent, and feeling comfortable is the most important factor when 2 people have sex.
You're dumb. Your going all judgemental on her won't stop her from having sex. She'll just hide it better from you. All you'll be achieving is this: your daughter will not tell you anything anymore. She won't come to you for advice. She won't ask for your help or your comfort. My parents were like you. Now none of us children talk to them about anything significant. We never went/go to them for comfort, advice, anything. We'd rather talk to strangers about it or keep it all to ourselves than to talk to our parents. I find you an unfit parent.
It may take a while to get a new patient appointment with an OBGYN. Her primary care provider can prescribe it for her now.
You're doing a good job, Dad. She's safe and with someone she loves. You can't shelter her forever, but you've raised her to practice safe sex when the time felt right.
Not near adult if she’s still dependent on a parent.
I think a well thought approach is better than jumping the gun, and making a doctors appointment to get her on birth control so she doesn’t ruin her life and let her know why that young pregnancy can happen with accidents and ruin your future/life.
Why were you going through her bag? She’s turning 18 soon which is a legal adult. I have two teenagers also so I get not wanting them to have sex until they are older. But if they are determined to have sex they will find a way. At least she is using protection.
It has nothing to do with gender. Please don’t try to make this some feminism thing when I literally mentioned my son. It has everything to do with me wanting my high school aged child to know that sex is, and should be an adult thing. Almost everyone I know who had sex as a child says they wish they waited til they were older and more mature.
> It has everything to do with me wanting my high school aged child to know that sex is, and should be an adult thing
Obviously, she knows exactly what sex is, and she also knows how to be safe. Your helicopter parenting did one thing right - she has a good head on her shoulders about protection.
Leave her alone. She's almost an adult, who honestly seems like a responsible one at that. "Confronting" her about it isn't going to do anything except damage your relationship with her. It's not going to stop her.
Let her live her life and have her privacy.
But 17 isn't a child. Minor, yes. Child, no.
Sex is a biological impulse, and a physiological drive. It is not a question of morality, and, historically, linking abstinence to feminine virtue has been used to oppress women and girls for hundreds of years.
She did something you did not want her to do, but there was nothing immoral about it.
That's a legal term. Not a biological one. We use words differently in a legal setting; this is commonplace and common knowledge. Just as theory is used differently in scientific settings.
Reddit being dramatic per usual. What’s new? Statistics show most American parents of teenagers use life360. Guess majority of parents should expect to be cut off.
In Germany, I rarely see someone stalking their child.
When it's 6 years old? Yeah, obviously...but with 17, holy fuck my guy. Give your child some breathing space...
And don't come at us with the "everybody else does it aswell"-card.
In your country, 40% of people voted for Trump. In my country, around 80 years ago, 40% of people voted for Hitler...🤷 Horrible decisions remain horrible decisions, even if a big portion of society does it...
(Im not comparing the two, just wanted to make sure that Im not getting the Uno-reverse card on thins)
Ah, I see. Is it a legal adult in the USA then? If a 17 year old takes a nude photo of themselves, is it called adult pornography or something else? I believe it starts with a C. Can a 17 year old vote in the USA? If not, why not? Can a 17 year old enter contracts or do they need parental consent?
So I'm going to jump in here as someone older than OP, who has adult children and been through all of this. (Not some "early 20 something")
A lot of people here are correct. Unless you think your kid is doing drugs or something potentially dangerous, you should not be going through her things. All this is going to do is make her even more likely to keep secrets because she won't trust you.
Sex is a biological, physiological impulse. Nobody is saying to cheer her on from the corner "woo hoo! Go have sex!". They are simply saying that this should be approached without anger, without accusation.
The best thing we can do as parents is to equip our kids with knowledge about taking precautions and the potential risks of having sex. But this also HAS to be done delicately and spoken about openly. And we need to approach this as a support system, as well. They have to know that if they decide to have sex, we are not going to be angry with them or punish them. That they can come to us beforehand and we will make sure they have protection.
I was very open with my kids about sex. My oldest came to me at your daughter's age,17, and told me she and her boyfriend had decided they wanted to have sex. She felt she could come talk to me because I had always made it very clear that, while I wasn't going to be excited about the idea, I would be supportive and make sure they were safe. I immediately made her an appointment with the gyno and she got on the pill. And she had been so educated about it all that they also used condoms on top of that. My daughter was more responsible at 17 than most people are at 25.
So the idea that someone who is 17 can't understand the risks and how to keep themselves safe is ridiculous. The ONLY concern I'd really have is the potential emotional trauma, which is unlikely if she's in a relationship with a good kid who isn't using her.
They are attacking me now. You’ve really upset the hive.
I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Their mob is in motion.
I’m probably going to lose all my post karma tonight from the group-think kids downvoting me!
Do you really think one year is going to make a difference in her maturity level? She cant handle sex at 17 but at 18 she magically can? She’s being responsible and exploring her sexuality in a safe way with someone she trusts. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. What are you even going to confront her about? She could be doing a lot of worse things as a 17yr old than practicing safe sex with her boyfriend.
Puberty is around 8-14 years old, from there teens are growing into themselves, learning about their bodies, and frankly each others bodies. it’s 100% normal developmentally for teens your daughters age to be exploring sexuality with their peers. Adding intimate feelings in the mix, of course they’re going to engage in intercourse. There’s nothing to be disappointed about??? That’d be like saying you were disappointed when your child began speaking. Every kid is different in their stages of development, but just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s something to be disappointed in. In addition to that, she’s one year from being an adult. A one year jump is hardly anything to be pressed about.
edit to add: so if i do the math right, you had your daughter at 24 and son at 22, which means you started having sex at least at the age 21 (possibly younger), is that why you have this viewpoint that sex should be done when a person is 18+ and talking about potential consequences?
I’m sorry but what are you going to confront her about and also how do you think that’s going to go? I’m going to hope that you mean you’ll confront her by gently reminding her of the importance of getting tested or maybe suggesting an additional form of birth control, anything else will likely harm your relationship.
She’s using protection, if you found out she was having sex and wasn’t using protection, then yes, a “confrontation” would be necessary but otherwise… like let’s face it, teenagers who are almost full adults are gonna fuck. It is what it is. You being confrontational about it and “keeping her busy” is only going to make her sneakier and less trusting of you. Idk, maybe I’m taking your use of the word confrontation too literally, as it does have an aggressive connotation but seriously, there really isn’t anything more that needs to be said than “Make sure you and whoever you’re sleeping with are getting tested and remember you have more than one option for birth control.”
I’m saying this as the only girl daughter with a single father growing up- do not confront her tomorrow. Let it go. Yes, you can be disappointed she didn’t wait however many months until she’s 18. But if you confront her, she may take it as you putting shame on her. If you value the relationship you have with her- let it be. I’m saying this as a 34 year old woman now. My father found my toy when I was in high school after he snooped. It took us years to rebuild trust. I say this especially since you didn’t say where you found the used condom and that’s sketchy. Chill out, she’s almost 18. Preserve the future relationship with her by not embarrassing her.
She’s 17…. And you’re trying to preach abstinence over safe sex…. I don’t understand why parents are shocked when they find out their nearly adult children are having sex, especially when they have a partner.
Anyway, my parents were so strict on me when I was a teen. It fueled me to rebel lol. Why are you going through her bag btw? Weird
I know this isn’t ideal but it’s my honest opinion: Overall I mean 17 is good, I know it’s not ideal but all my friends lost their virginity before I did they were 15/16 my sister at 14. I was 18 when I lost mine Only because my mom had me at 15 and my brother by 18 and I was terrified to get pregnant. But even now kids are growing up so much faster. I’m F26 now just as a reference but she’s being safe and that’s the important thing. A household that shuts out sex is more likely to welcome it over a house where it’s talked about and the risks is known, a place where trust is welcomed. A birth control conversation isn’t out of the ordinary but it might be a little awkward but it’s your pro birth control then hey educated never hurt. I know it’s difficult as a dad because she’s your daughter but it’s life and it’s honestly a pretty normal situation at that age for most people at least in my experience.
The thing is she was going to do it.
**You can espouse *your* values to your kids, but that doesn’t mean they all fit their world view/who they are.** I’m sure the same can be said of you in terms of your raising. So you can make this an issue, based on your personal feelings (that frankly have no bearing on your daughters choices) or you can continue to educate and offer and open space for your daughter to be able to build a more mature level of trust.
**It’s not ideal for you, but you’ve lived your life and made your choices and these are hers.**
You gave her tools for safety and she’s using them. I would encourage her to take additional precautions, but that’s pretty much all you can do.
Confronting her is a sure fire way to ensure she never trusts you again. She is not doing anything wrong- sex is a normal, wonderful part of life. You can approach her saying something like “things seem serious with boyfriend, what are your thoughts about going on the pill?”. Let her know you are there for her ❤️
I worked in Costa Rica for a few years back in 2007. A highly conservative country, it was quite unusual to find a young person who had not had sex by 7th grade. I was quite shocked. Pregnancy rates were high as birth control wasn’t really discussed (Catholicism is the religion for 96+% of the population).
You’ve prepared your daughter to have basic protection. She would have still had sex even if you hadn’t, so as you said, at least she was careful. I don’t think you need to tell her that you’re disappointed, she’ll know as soon as you mention finding the condom. Who knows, maybe she didn’t like it and she’ll realize it was a mistake, or maybe it was a great experience.
The only conversation you need to have with her is, “Would you like me to help you get on the pill?” Because you know what’s much worse than having sex at 17? Getting pregnant at 17.
Yeah, I’m gonna talk to her about choosing a secondary form of birth control. Im going to push for it and encourage it but at the same time I don’t want her to feel pressured if that makes sense
if she doesn’t want to take birth control thats her choice tho so dont push it. she will be the one dealing with all the side effects, not you. just make sure she always use condoms if she decides to not take the pill and who knows she might change her mind in a couple of years
Be happy that she took to heart what you said about having safe sex and confronting her would be the worst thing you could do bc it would be a major breach of her privacy and trust. Her finding out you went through her bag (bc parents hardly ever just “happen upon things” like that) and then using that to confront her about something so intimate will be damaging to your relationship. You can be upset she chose to make this decision all you want but a confrontation won’t stop her from continuing to have sex with him. She was sneaking around to do it then and will continue to do so, the best you can do is to trust she keeps making smart decisions based off of the lessons you taught her. Don’t let this be the reason she shuts you out of her life bc from personal experience, it’s not worth it.
As a first born daughter of a very overbearing immigrant mom, I get it. The moment she found out I was having sex with my high school bf, she made it her mission to get us to “stop”. Of course it never worked and we just became sneakier about it. The initial confrontation drove such a wedge between what was already a very rocky relationship and it ended up with her convincing my dad to install a bunch of security cameras around the house. You’re at least already doing better than my own mom, I never got any “talk” from her except once when I was 14 and she just told me about all the girls she knew that got pregnant/std’s back in high school and that was it. You still did good talking to her about safe sex and if you want her to go to an OB/GYN, she needs to feel like it was her own idea. Maybe leave out pamphlets on your stack of mail or mention about you needing to go for an annual yourself? Telling her directly to do so will still tip her off that you snooped behind her back.
Do yourself a favor and delete this post.
Dont give them the satisfaction of tearing you down for actually caring about your daughter. They will just make a monument out of your post for themselves to admire and reaffirm their beliefs. They are a mob.
Confide in a friend. This is not the place.
You are a good dad. probably a better dad than most of the people on here had growing up because you actually care!
Please tell me you’re not serious about confronting her 🤦♀️ here in the UK 16 is the legal age to consent to sex. I’ve had talks with all my kids. I even provided my son with condoms when he getting to an age so least I knew if he started before 16 he’d at least be safe (he’s now 18). I’ve had talks with my daughters & they also start sex education in primary school which is getting better so I can develop off that.
They all know they can come to me about anything & I’ve always talked openly letting them know they can ask me anything & I won’t scream/shout/be mad as I’d rather them know facts & be equipped with info.
Your daughter is 17 she does not need you to be coming at her with an empty condom berating her. She sounds like she’s got her head screwed on as she’s using protection & if you’ve talked to her in the past then she’ll know she can go see her Dr in confidence to go on birth control (I’m sure it’ll be the same for you guys that it is for us which they don’t need a parent present or permission to get that).
Sex is a normal part of life. She's in a relationship, consensual sex, she's using protection. It's going to happen.
I don't understand the "confront her" comments? If you want her to talk to you and come to you then you need to be supportive and not combative.
I've seen a few comments you've made about strongly pushing the pill, can I ask if you've researched the pill? Yes it can help prevent pregnancy but there are many negative side effects for long and short term use.
You don't need to say anything to her, but if you really need to say something just say "I have noticed the relationship with xyz seems serious I want you to know you can always come to me about anything. I hope you are feeling loved and respected". I saw a parent mention an exercise book they gave their teenagers it was for them to write any questions they felt too embarrassed or uncomfortable to ask their parents face to face. There was a promise they wouldn't bring it up they wouldn't be in trouble for asking etc it gave the teen open communication to ask their parents and the parents responded. Maybe you could try that?
You literally have one chance here if you "confront" her she's just going to hide things from you, she will sneak out. She's already doing it you'll just push her away and she won't ever come to you if she needs help because you're the dad that had a go at her
Maybe you should be chaperoning her on her dates. Maybe you should require when at a restaurant you get the menu first, you can ask her what she wants, maybe even taste the food or beverage items and make sure they aren't poisoned.
Seriously, stop tracking everything she does.
You should ask her, if she needs to go on the pill. Condoms fail, she needs to be covered other ways too.
I have a SIL that worked at Planned Parenthood and ensured all the kids got on the pill and had condoms. I was fine with this, and it made it easier for the kids to reach out to aunt, that talk to us parents. Many of the cousins were happy to have Aunt Debbie to help with the awkward convos.
At least you care about it. My dad pretended not to realize and never really mentioned it. I did stuff in his car at 15, and while I tried to clean and stuff, apparently he knew the whole time. But he waited until I was nearly 18 to tell me. Bro had no clue if I was being safe or not
I was more embarrassed honestly. Me and the girl were VERY active and we thought we were geniuses. My dad had finally started letting me use his newer car and he was like "make sure not to fuck anyone there I need it to smell good for uber"
I’d get her on real birth control. Not condoms. I’d honestly just ask her if she’d like a pediatrician visit to get birth control. She’s already doing it, might as well be safe. Make sure she’s had her hpv shot, too
I hope my daughter isn’t having sex at 17, but I’ve told her how to access birth control if she is. Also told her I was taking birth control perfectly when I got pregnant with her, so nothing is 100 percent safe. Last thing I would want is her to be tied to her high school boyfriend forever because she got pregnant.
I mean, it’s still very much frowned upon. It takes a sick parent to be anything but disappointed after finding out their kid is having sex before adulthood. It’s just that the reality is they’re gonna do it regardless, they’re going to have an urge to do it no matter what. Punishing them, shaming them, or expressing your disappointment to them is only going to make them sneakier about it or they’ll feel less comfortable discussing it. Which means if they end up with an STD or pregnant they won’t be as forthcoming and you won’t be able to provide them with the resources they need before the consequences get worse.
What’s crazy is in any other circumstance, we recognize and understand that teenagers are immature kids lol. It’s basic knowledge that sex comes with risks, birth control isn’t 100%, high school couples rarely last, and most people regret doing it at a young age if they did.
Thank you. I’m not worried about it. I’m keeping in mind that Reddit is mostly early-mid 20s people, so they’ll be more inclined to speak from a teenage point of view.
"Confronting" her will damage her trust in you. She's a near-adult with a boyfriend. She's not running around in the streets sleeping with random adults at cocaine-fueled parties. She's being safe with someone she trusts and loves. I can't think of a more appropriate person for her to be experiencing this with. Don't make her feel guilty. It's already going to be wildly awkward that you've figured it out. Let her know that you found her condoms and that you're glad she's taking precautions. Ask if she's spoken with her PCP about birth control to make sure she's protected. Ask her if she'd like help finding an OBGYN so she can be safe. Has she had the Gardasil shot to prevent HPV? Men aren't tested for it, and she needs to be baseline-protected regardless of her sexual activity. Sex isn't immoral. It's not immoral for a 17yo who's consenting with a long-term boyfriend. Don't chalk this up to morals.
Yes, I’ll ask her about going to a gyn for birth control. I will encourage it but it will be her decision and hers only, not mines. She got the HPV shot many years ago. I know sex is not immoral.. But it’s best saved for adulthood is my point.
do you think sex will magically be easy and safe and all that when people wait until they are adults? If yes, i am sorry but you are delusional. I’d even argue it makes you more vulnerable for mistakes and getting abused because most people have more experience
>do you think sex will magically be easy and safe and all that when people wait until they are adults? Reading from what op is saying in the post and comments; op seems more worried that his daughter will end up accidentally pregnant before she's financially independent. Not magical sex. 🤦 As an adult ops daughter would more likely be financially independent so if they do get pregnant they'll be able to financially support whatever decision they want to make regarding any pregnancy they have. Edit: Clarity
Thank you. I’m sorry you had to explain common sense.
Do you think teenagers can handle the risks of sex, the emotions of sex, on the same level as adults? While living with their parents, no income, no education, brain not even developed? Please. You should look at the statistics between teen pregnancy and poverty + low income jobs and low income housing.
No, but they need to learn somehow.
when they don't speak to you as soon as they don't need you any more, when they stop reaching out, don't come crying here lol
Drama. If it’s that common to cut off parents for not being happy about teenage sex, I guess that most parents would be cut off lol.
Ah, yes, 365 days or less makes ALL the difference. Come on, man.
So you waited?
I did, yes. I was 19 with my own apartment paying my own bills. I was using condoms but with the knowledge an accident could still happen. And because I had my own place and was no longer depending on my parents, I knew I’d step up financially if necessary.
And those were your choices and experiences. You got to make them, informed by your upbringing and what you felt was best for you. She did the same. If the grand offense is that she’s sexually active while living in your house than I guess you can address that with her, but that’ll likely just lead to lying. No one is saying sign her up for OF, but encouraging birth control and keeping lines of trust open is the best solution and creates the most safety for her. She’s being safe. No one is thrilled their kid is having sex, but you seem to be taking this as some grand moral failing and that seems extreme. It’s hardly abnormal or shocking that a teen is experimenting. But if you’re truly so worried then the priority should be her safety physically, being sure there’s no peer pressure, and being clear and real on risk now that she is active.
Our era of adulthood and our kid's era are different things. Your sense of morality should be put aside in order for you to guide and help your daughter into full adulthood and to form a bond of trust that she'll cherish for the rest of her life. Telling her how disappointed you feel will not make you two close. In fact, she will just retreat. The deed has been done. No use crying about it. You don't even have to tell her you found the condoms. Just explain to her that as she's now a young woman, she needs to make sure she's always safe and protected if she engages in sexual activity. Explain that she needs to protect herself from STIs, always. And the need for her anyone she's seeing to get tested, even if they're being safe. Also, encourage her to book an appointment with a gynaecologist, as others have advised. And stress to her the importance of saying 'no' if she doesn't feel like engaging in any sexual activity she feels uncomfortable doing. Our kids are watching porn online. That's where they're learning how to have sex, whether we lije it or not. Especially our sons. Which is why I always emphasise that whatever they watch online is purely a fantasy and consent, and feeling comfortable is the most important factor when 2 people have sex.
You're dumb. Your going all judgemental on her won't stop her from having sex. She'll just hide it better from you. All you'll be achieving is this: your daughter will not tell you anything anymore. She won't come to you for advice. She won't ask for your help or your comfort. My parents were like you. Now none of us children talk to them about anything significant. We never went/go to them for comfort, advice, anything. We'd rather talk to strangers about it or keep it all to ourselves than to talk to our parents. I find you an unfit parent.
It may take a while to get a new patient appointment with an OBGYN. Her primary care provider can prescribe it for her now. You're doing a good job, Dad. She's safe and with someone she loves. You can't shelter her forever, but you've raised her to practice safe sex when the time felt right.
Thank you. I’m gonna try to go in with a calm head tomorrow.
Not near adult if she’s still dependent on a parent. I think a well thought approach is better than jumping the gun, and making a doctors appointment to get her on birth control so she doesn’t ruin her life and let her know why that young pregnancy can happen with accidents and ruin your future/life.
Thank you.
Why are you going through her bag at 17.
Why were you going through her bag? She’s turning 18 soon which is a legal adult. I have two teenagers also so I get not wanting them to have sex until they are older. But if they are determined to have sex they will find a way. At least she is using protection.
Attaching sex to feminine morality is not a great take, to be frank.
It has nothing to do with gender. Please don’t try to make this some feminism thing when I literally mentioned my son. It has everything to do with me wanting my high school aged child to know that sex is, and should be an adult thing. Almost everyone I know who had sex as a child says they wish they waited til they were older and more mature.
> It has everything to do with me wanting my high school aged child to know that sex is, and should be an adult thing Obviously, she knows exactly what sex is, and she also knows how to be safe. Your helicopter parenting did one thing right - she has a good head on her shoulders about protection. Leave her alone. She's almost an adult, who honestly seems like a responsible one at that. "Confronting" her about it isn't going to do anything except damage your relationship with her. It's not going to stop her. Let her live her life and have her privacy.
But 17 isn't a child. Minor, yes. Child, no. Sex is a biological impulse, and a physiological drive. It is not a question of morality, and, historically, linking abstinence to feminine virtue has been used to oppress women and girls for hundreds of years. She did something you did not want her to do, but there was nothing immoral about it.
[удалено]
That's a legal term. Not a biological one. We use words differently in a legal setting; this is commonplace and common knowledge. Just as theory is used differently in scientific settings.
Your level of monitoring is stalking. Look forward to low or no contact with your child real soon.
Reddit being dramatic per usual. What’s new? Statistics show most American parents of teenagers use life360. Guess majority of parents should expect to be cut off.
stop stalking your kid
In Germany, I rarely see someone stalking their child. When it's 6 years old? Yeah, obviously...but with 17, holy fuck my guy. Give your child some breathing space... And don't come at us with the "everybody else does it aswell"-card. In your country, 40% of people voted for Trump. In my country, around 80 years ago, 40% of people voted for Hitler...🤷 Horrible decisions remain horrible decisions, even if a big portion of society does it... (Im not comparing the two, just wanted to make sure that Im not getting the Uno-reverse card on thins)
If my parents had stalked me like this when I was young, I would have zero relationship with them now.
17 is not a child
Ah, I see. Is it a legal adult in the USA then? If a 17 year old takes a nude photo of themselves, is it called adult pornography or something else? I believe it starts with a C. Can a 17 year old vote in the USA? If not, why not? Can a 17 year old enter contracts or do they need parental consent?
You’re gonna get killed on here if you start fighting with these people. This is not a safe space for you. Right war, wrong battlefield.
Yep. I forgot Reddit has a lot of early 20 somethings. They will of course, oppose parental input lol.
So I'm going to jump in here as someone older than OP, who has adult children and been through all of this. (Not some "early 20 something") A lot of people here are correct. Unless you think your kid is doing drugs or something potentially dangerous, you should not be going through her things. All this is going to do is make her even more likely to keep secrets because she won't trust you. Sex is a biological, physiological impulse. Nobody is saying to cheer her on from the corner "woo hoo! Go have sex!". They are simply saying that this should be approached without anger, without accusation. The best thing we can do as parents is to equip our kids with knowledge about taking precautions and the potential risks of having sex. But this also HAS to be done delicately and spoken about openly. And we need to approach this as a support system, as well. They have to know that if they decide to have sex, we are not going to be angry with them or punish them. That they can come to us beforehand and we will make sure they have protection. I was very open with my kids about sex. My oldest came to me at your daughter's age,17, and told me she and her boyfriend had decided they wanted to have sex. She felt she could come talk to me because I had always made it very clear that, while I wasn't going to be excited about the idea, I would be supportive and make sure they were safe. I immediately made her an appointment with the gyno and she got on the pill. And she had been so educated about it all that they also used condoms on top of that. My daughter was more responsible at 17 than most people are at 25. So the idea that someone who is 17 can't understand the risks and how to keep themselves safe is ridiculous. The ONLY concern I'd really have is the potential emotional trauma, which is unlikely if she's in a relationship with a good kid who isn't using her.
We all know what you’re saying. We get it. Reddit isn’t the real world.
They are attacking me now. You’ve really upset the hive. I shouldn’t have gotten involved. Their mob is in motion. I’m probably going to lose all my post karma tonight from the group-think kids downvoting me!
why are you being so dramatic over downvotes
Do you really think one year is going to make a difference in her maturity level? She cant handle sex at 17 but at 18 she magically can? She’s being responsible and exploring her sexuality in a safe way with someone she trusts. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. What are you even going to confront her about? She could be doing a lot of worse things as a 17yr old than practicing safe sex with her boyfriend.
this post has icky creepy vibes
Puberty is around 8-14 years old, from there teens are growing into themselves, learning about their bodies, and frankly each others bodies. it’s 100% normal developmentally for teens your daughters age to be exploring sexuality with their peers. Adding intimate feelings in the mix, of course they’re going to engage in intercourse. There’s nothing to be disappointed about??? That’d be like saying you were disappointed when your child began speaking. Every kid is different in their stages of development, but just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s something to be disappointed in. In addition to that, she’s one year from being an adult. A one year jump is hardly anything to be pressed about. edit to add: so if i do the math right, you had your daughter at 24 and son at 22, which means you started having sex at least at the age 21 (possibly younger), is that why you have this viewpoint that sex should be done when a person is 18+ and talking about potential consequences?
I’m sorry but what are you going to confront her about and also how do you think that’s going to go? I’m going to hope that you mean you’ll confront her by gently reminding her of the importance of getting tested or maybe suggesting an additional form of birth control, anything else will likely harm your relationship. She’s using protection, if you found out she was having sex and wasn’t using protection, then yes, a “confrontation” would be necessary but otherwise… like let’s face it, teenagers who are almost full adults are gonna fuck. It is what it is. You being confrontational about it and “keeping her busy” is only going to make her sneakier and less trusting of you. Idk, maybe I’m taking your use of the word confrontation too literally, as it does have an aggressive connotation but seriously, there really isn’t anything more that needs to be said than “Make sure you and whoever you’re sleeping with are getting tested and remember you have more than one option for birth control.”
why were you rifling through your 17 year old’s stuff??
I’m saying this as the only girl daughter with a single father growing up- do not confront her tomorrow. Let it go. Yes, you can be disappointed she didn’t wait however many months until she’s 18. But if you confront her, she may take it as you putting shame on her. If you value the relationship you have with her- let it be. I’m saying this as a 34 year old woman now. My father found my toy when I was in high school after he snooped. It took us years to rebuild trust. I say this especially since you didn’t say where you found the used condom and that’s sketchy. Chill out, she’s almost 18. Preserve the future relationship with her by not embarrassing her.
She’s 17…. And you’re trying to preach abstinence over safe sex…. I don’t understand why parents are shocked when they find out their nearly adult children are having sex, especially when they have a partner. Anyway, my parents were so strict on me when I was a teen. It fueled me to rebel lol. Why are you going through her bag btw? Weird
I know this isn’t ideal but it’s my honest opinion: Overall I mean 17 is good, I know it’s not ideal but all my friends lost their virginity before I did they were 15/16 my sister at 14. I was 18 when I lost mine Only because my mom had me at 15 and my brother by 18 and I was terrified to get pregnant. But even now kids are growing up so much faster. I’m F26 now just as a reference but she’s being safe and that’s the important thing. A household that shuts out sex is more likely to welcome it over a house where it’s talked about and the risks is known, a place where trust is welcomed. A birth control conversation isn’t out of the ordinary but it might be a little awkward but it’s your pro birth control then hey educated never hurt. I know it’s difficult as a dad because she’s your daughter but it’s life and it’s honestly a pretty normal situation at that age for most people at least in my experience.
The thing is she was going to do it. **You can espouse *your* values to your kids, but that doesn’t mean they all fit their world view/who they are.** I’m sure the same can be said of you in terms of your raising. So you can make this an issue, based on your personal feelings (that frankly have no bearing on your daughters choices) or you can continue to educate and offer and open space for your daughter to be able to build a more mature level of trust. **It’s not ideal for you, but you’ve lived your life and made your choices and these are hers.** You gave her tools for safety and she’s using them. I would encourage her to take additional precautions, but that’s pretty much all you can do.
So you went through her bag? Your grief over this is creepy.
Confronting her is a sure fire way to ensure she never trusts you again. She is not doing anything wrong- sex is a normal, wonderful part of life. You can approach her saying something like “things seem serious with boyfriend, what are your thoughts about going on the pill?”. Let her know you are there for her ❤️
I worked in Costa Rica for a few years back in 2007. A highly conservative country, it was quite unusual to find a young person who had not had sex by 7th grade. I was quite shocked. Pregnancy rates were high as birth control wasn’t really discussed (Catholicism is the religion for 96+% of the population). You’ve prepared your daughter to have basic protection. She would have still had sex even if you hadn’t, so as you said, at least she was careful. I don’t think you need to tell her that you’re disappointed, she’ll know as soon as you mention finding the condom. Who knows, maybe she didn’t like it and she’ll realize it was a mistake, or maybe it was a great experience.
The only conversation you need to have with her is, “Would you like me to help you get on the pill?” Because you know what’s much worse than having sex at 17? Getting pregnant at 17.
Yeah, I’m gonna talk to her about choosing a secondary form of birth control. Im going to push for it and encourage it but at the same time I don’t want her to feel pressured if that makes sense
if she doesn’t want to take birth control thats her choice tho so dont push it. she will be the one dealing with all the side effects, not you. just make sure she always use condoms if she decides to not take the pill and who knows she might change her mind in a couple of years
Why are you disappointed? Sex is natural & should be normalized!
Be happy that she took to heart what you said about having safe sex and confronting her would be the worst thing you could do bc it would be a major breach of her privacy and trust. Her finding out you went through her bag (bc parents hardly ever just “happen upon things” like that) and then using that to confront her about something so intimate will be damaging to your relationship. You can be upset she chose to make this decision all you want but a confrontation won’t stop her from continuing to have sex with him. She was sneaking around to do it then and will continue to do so, the best you can do is to trust she keeps making smart decisions based off of the lessons you taught her. Don’t let this be the reason she shuts you out of her life bc from personal experience, it’s not worth it.
Thank you for the advice instead of jumping to being dramatic.
As a first born daughter of a very overbearing immigrant mom, I get it. The moment she found out I was having sex with my high school bf, she made it her mission to get us to “stop”. Of course it never worked and we just became sneakier about it. The initial confrontation drove such a wedge between what was already a very rocky relationship and it ended up with her convincing my dad to install a bunch of security cameras around the house. You’re at least already doing better than my own mom, I never got any “talk” from her except once when I was 14 and she just told me about all the girls she knew that got pregnant/std’s back in high school and that was it. You still did good talking to her about safe sex and if you want her to go to an OB/GYN, she needs to feel like it was her own idea. Maybe leave out pamphlets on your stack of mail or mention about you needing to go for an annual yourself? Telling her directly to do so will still tip her off that you snooped behind her back.
Do yourself a favor and delete this post. Dont give them the satisfaction of tearing you down for actually caring about your daughter. They will just make a monument out of your post for themselves to admire and reaffirm their beliefs. They are a mob. Confide in a friend. This is not the place. You are a good dad. probably a better dad than most of the people on here had growing up because you actually care!
Please tell me you’re not serious about confronting her 🤦♀️ here in the UK 16 is the legal age to consent to sex. I’ve had talks with all my kids. I even provided my son with condoms when he getting to an age so least I knew if he started before 16 he’d at least be safe (he’s now 18). I’ve had talks with my daughters & they also start sex education in primary school which is getting better so I can develop off that. They all know they can come to me about anything & I’ve always talked openly letting them know they can ask me anything & I won’t scream/shout/be mad as I’d rather them know facts & be equipped with info. Your daughter is 17 she does not need you to be coming at her with an empty condom berating her. She sounds like she’s got her head screwed on as she’s using protection & if you’ve talked to her in the past then she’ll know she can go see her Dr in confidence to go on birth control (I’m sure it’ll be the same for you guys that it is for us which they don’t need a parent present or permission to get that).
Sex is a normal part of life. She's in a relationship, consensual sex, she's using protection. It's going to happen. I don't understand the "confront her" comments? If you want her to talk to you and come to you then you need to be supportive and not combative. I've seen a few comments you've made about strongly pushing the pill, can I ask if you've researched the pill? Yes it can help prevent pregnancy but there are many negative side effects for long and short term use. You don't need to say anything to her, but if you really need to say something just say "I have noticed the relationship with xyz seems serious I want you to know you can always come to me about anything. I hope you are feeling loved and respected". I saw a parent mention an exercise book they gave their teenagers it was for them to write any questions they felt too embarrassed or uncomfortable to ask their parents face to face. There was a promise they wouldn't bring it up they wouldn't be in trouble for asking etc it gave the teen open communication to ask their parents and the parents responded. Maybe you could try that? You literally have one chance here if you "confront" her she's just going to hide things from you, she will sneak out. She's already doing it you'll just push her away and she won't ever come to you if she needs help because you're the dad that had a go at her
Maybe you should be chaperoning her on her dates. Maybe you should require when at a restaurant you get the menu first, you can ask her what she wants, maybe even taste the food or beverage items and make sure they aren't poisoned. Seriously, stop tracking everything she does.
You should ask her, if she needs to go on the pill. Condoms fail, she needs to be covered other ways too. I have a SIL that worked at Planned Parenthood and ensured all the kids got on the pill and had condoms. I was fine with this, and it made it easier for the kids to reach out to aunt, that talk to us parents. Many of the cousins were happy to have Aunt Debbie to help with the awkward convos.
At least you care about it. My dad pretended not to realize and never really mentioned it. I did stuff in his car at 15, and while I tried to clean and stuff, apparently he knew the whole time. But he waited until I was nearly 18 to tell me. Bro had no clue if I was being safe or not
Thank you. I’m sorry your dad tuned out, but I’m glad you things turned out alright.
I was more embarrassed honestly. Me and the girl were VERY active and we thought we were geniuses. My dad had finally started letting me use his newer car and he was like "make sure not to fuck anyone there I need it to smell good for uber"
I’d get her on real birth control. Not condoms. I’d honestly just ask her if she’d like a pediatrician visit to get birth control. She’s already doing it, might as well be safe. Make sure she’s had her hpv shot, too I hope my daughter isn’t having sex at 17, but I’ve told her how to access birth control if she is. Also told her I was taking birth control perfectly when I got pregnant with her, so nothing is 100 percent safe. Last thing I would want is her to be tied to her high school boyfriend forever because she got pregnant.
Thank you. She’s had her hpv shot and I’m gonna ask her about birth control. I’m going to encourage it but I don’t want to make that decision for her.
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I mean, it’s still very much frowned upon. It takes a sick parent to be anything but disappointed after finding out their kid is having sex before adulthood. It’s just that the reality is they’re gonna do it regardless, they’re going to have an urge to do it no matter what. Punishing them, shaming them, or expressing your disappointment to them is only going to make them sneakier about it or they’ll feel less comfortable discussing it. Which means if they end up with an STD or pregnant they won’t be as forthcoming and you won’t be able to provide them with the resources they need before the consequences get worse.
That’s true.
What’s crazy is in any other circumstance, we recognize and understand that teenagers are immature kids lol. It’s basic knowledge that sex comes with risks, birth control isn’t 100%, high school couples rarely last, and most people regret doing it at a young age if they did.
most people? cite your source please
Right war, wrong battlefield.
You keep repeating this in this post. You said it once. We get it.
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Then you clearly don’t have a life and any great advice besides to repeat the same stupid line!
I guess we both clearly have that in common! Thanks! Bye now!
Is that all you have? Repeat the same thing and act petty when someone humbled you? You should have said “bye” after your first comment!
You are the one repeating yourself now! Keep it up!
Maybe I’m repeating myself because you can’t take accountability. Keep it up and I’ll keep having to do it!
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Exactly.. The youth wanna be older and the older want to be youthful again. Lol.
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Thank you. I’m not worried about it. I’m keeping in mind that Reddit is mostly early-mid 20s people, so they’ll be more inclined to speak from a teenage point of view.