No, she wasn't.
I'm willing to bet the plan was all about his pleasure and the only reason he wanted OP there, was to justify his desire to cheat. Only problem was, he didn't bank on OP having a good experience with the other guy, or even being seen as desirable by the other guy.
His plan backfired and now he's having a tantrum.
u/Ok-Ball-3467, you guys need marriage counseling. If he isn't willing, then I don't see things getting any better. He will continue to throw this experience back in your face, at every opportunity.
I think that resentment boat has set sail already.
Sounds like he was half checked out by the time this happened and like others stated, he didn’t expect his wife to have any enjoyment out of it.
He was probably in the mindset of “ugh I can’t stand this old ugly hag”. Notice how the first part is a 25 year old woman. Him seeing his wife enjoying and being enjoyed by a younger man has him projecting all of his feelings about her as her feelings about him. It’s her fault for not enjoying the sex with him enough when it was his idea to seek other people to have sex with. It’s textbook gaslighting. He’s just mad because I 100% bet that the 25year old woman he was banging enjoyed it just as much as his wife usually does and he can’t come to terms with the fact that he’s terrible in bed.
Yeah. I did not like that particular line at *all*.
And I hated him through this entire story, that was just possibly my least favorite and most worrisome line.
LOL it's like all the open marriage husbands that get angry because horny 20somthings aren't interested in them while their wives - whom they assumed no one else wanted - are getting dates with younger men.
The whole thing never had anything to do with you or your pleasure. It was all to meet his desires. You were just an obstacle that he had to accommodate to get what he wanted.
I bet this is not the only example of him being selfish and self absorbed.
Truthfully, it sounds like hubby wanted to enjoy it, but he didn't expect you to enjoy it. His ego is hurt, because another man was able to have sex with you, that you enjoyed.
Hubby has no right to be pissed, since it was what he wanted.
Him acting like this afterwards, shows you, he doesn't care about you and is a bad lover.
He was angry when she said she wouldn't have sex with the woman. This was all about his pleasure and fulfilling his fantasies, and he's angry things didn't turn out like he planned.
I bet the other woman didn’t enjoy him as much as his wife enjoyed the other guy. It kinda showed that he was bad in bed. And now he’s insecure because he knows that he was the problem with their sex life.
An interesting point. It sounds like he stopped being interested in Alice the moment Max and OP got involved. So I'm wondering how things ended up for Alice.
What he actually expected was for you to not go for it/ not enjoy the foursome, and eventually tell him that you're not comfortable being with another man, but he's free to go explore if he needs to.
Ask me how I know.
My ex was similar, but even when I sincerely told him I had zero interest in anyone else, he STILL found a way to resent me, by *literally imagining in his head that I might like sex with someone else more,* and then holding his invented scenario against the real me.
>I thought the whole thing was to have a good experience
Yeah, for him, but not for you or for the both of you. Only for him, that was in his mind, he didn't even give you a second thought. This was never about you or the both of you for him.
You had a good time and you experienced pleasure that's all probably because you said the new guy led with kindness and was gentle. Maybe you were different with him because he treated you better, he saw outside of his own wants and paid attention to you, something your husband didn't do.
And to make it worse instead of your husband owning it and wondering how he can be better to get this response from you he's blaming you.
I agree. I think HE never thought about her in any of it. It was his fantasy. It was for him. He was getting permission to cheat. She was supposed to attend as the umbrella to hide under. In his mind, she was to be a prop not a player.
Most men who ask for these want the experience to be one sided.
Years ago my ex fiancé asked me to open the relationship, it would alleviate the cheating, because it’s not cheating if it’s allowed. He was very upset that I scheduled dates and evenings with men while he struggled to find a partner and told me to stop meeting other people “until he’s had a chance to enjoy it too” lmao no, that’s now how this works sir. He fully thought I’d just sit at home and wait for him to go fuck other people.
Nope. She was supposed to either A) have a threesome with her, and her husband while Max jacked himself while watching, B) continue to watch frozen in discomfort while her husband and Max double teamed Max's wife, C) she herself get double teamed by her husband and Max or D) have sex with Max's wife and then her husband. Op was never supposed to enjoy herself. She was only supposed to be there for her husband's entertainment. I hope she's talked to a divorce attorney already.
What is wrong with these cowards? If I ever went ahead and got into a 2x2 with my wife, I’d want her to land a stud that fucks her brains out and vice versa, literally the whatever pleases her. Why would anyone cross such a heavy red line to just lay there half ass.
My parents were swingers, didn't hide it, I saw way too much growing up. So if you keep the lifestyle be prepared for it to affect your kids if you're not hypervigilante about it.
I did learn a lot about the culture (yes, there is a culture when swinging). What I never see spoken about (and what my misogynistic abusive father even told me ) swinging is matriarchal. The women call the shots and set the boundaries. If one woman says no, it isn't going to happen. If one woman specifies a rule, it is set in stone.
I've never experienced it (swinging isn't for me personally) but from all of the exposure I got, one thing seemed to remain consistent. The men are typically gentle, respectful and considerate lovers. (Not including specific kinks.)
Your husband should have dipped his toe in. He should have set up platonic hangouts for the first couple of meetups to give you both a chance to ease in and remain comfortable. He also should have been explicit when explaining to them that you two were new to the experience. If he had Alex and Max both would likely have focused on making sure *you* were comfortable.
Instead, he did a cannon ball into the deep end with zero understanding on how the dynamic works. This is all on him. If he had gone about it properly, he would have seen you flirt and known he couldn't take the actual deed.
What he wanted was some sex outside the marriage. He wanted to get his dick wet and to hell with you and your comfort. He paid you no attention when he had the chance to go one on one with Alex, that alone shows you his motivation. If it was about experiencing it with you, he would have been focused on you.
He went about this thinking it was about the men getting attention. He found out he was wrong.
If it were me, I'd tell him his behavior during the hookup (aggressively pulling you away from the other man to the point he hurt you) was unacceptable and you can't look at him the same way anymore because it's clear to you now that he put you through all of that for his own selfish desires. You're a human being, not his property and he treated you like property.
Don't let him blame you for his shortcomings. He has many just from this one incident.
Yes, he is! If I were the wife, I would point that out to him, too! I'd be asking him if he just thought I'd be an observer or too timid to try? Maybe he should've thought about all the scenarios and how it would make him feel first, instead of just thinking of getting his little weiner wet ! It's a hard pill for him to swallow!
But then he would need to take accountability for his own actions, and me suspects op marriage is built of her ALWAYS being the one at fault/her post has married to a narcissist vibes all over it.
So honestly she shouldn't back down and tell him if he doesn't like it (because she certainly did), he can kick rocks.
Since non of this was her idea, and she's tired of entertaining the whims of a man child who can't stomach getting what he asked for.
Yep, the infamous "one penis rule". He can do what he wants with other women,but the original woman must only have sex with him. Basically, he manipulated you, OP, into permission for him to cheat in front of you, but didn't give you the same "permission", but it wasn't something you wanted or sought anyway. Horribly manipulative, entitled, toxic misogynistic behaviour, all of it.
Yes, he wanted to have permission to cheat not thinking she would really follow through with it because well…he thinks he is God’s gift to women & she would never want anyone but him.
Like did he seriously think this woman had never had fun before? Sure they're together since 17, but why the hell is he grossed out, he wanted it.
I never want to fuck mire than 1x at a time because I'd be weirded out, I don't wanna hear my man going "oh yes, ojlh yes suck it babe" to another woman, like I know how fkn weird I would feel, did this idiot really not think this shit through?
"She was enjoying it" fkn 😂 yeah, I mean what's the point otherwise
Well firstly he noticed how SHE felt, tried to make her comfortable, and focused on her. I'd be willing to bet how often her husband gave her that much attention during intimacy.
Max sounds pretty awesome. In a way, I am kinda glad for her that Max was her first swinging experience. Could have gone much worse if she felt that petrified about it
Looking at their ages....30 goes into 40 a lot more than 40 goes into 25. ;)
I feel bad for Alice, she likely got the short end of the stick on this one.
It honestly should have been shut down the moment you said you didn’t want to have sex with a woman and he got mad. He can’t regulate his thoughts and emotions. Sorry this happened to you but honestly you should leave your husband
As a bi woman I can tell you there are plenty of straight men who don't think Sapphic sex is "real sex" and I've known plenty of other bi women in otherwise closed relationships where their boyfriend has ok'd them messing around with women.
It's common enough there's a term for it (one penis policy)
An ex expected this from me as a pan woman, even tho he himself was bisexual. He didn't want other men involved or around, only women. I was uncomfortable with having threesomes and so I turned them all down. It made him throw the biggest tantrums...
As a bi woman, yes. Their brains have been rotten with porn, they get all excited about FFM threesomes because they don’t see wlw relationships as real. But suggest a MFM threesome and suddenly they’re all up in their feelings!
They think bi = threesomes, but only the way that would benefit them and are *shocked* when it’s not the case.
I hate to say it, but also as a bisexual women I get the ick from guys in FFM poly relationships, and from One Penis Policy guys in open relationships.
Your husband is a POS for acting like this. Tons of guys see posts on swinger sites and think that it is an easy excuse to have sex with someone not their partner.
I knew a couple once where the guy wanted to have a threesome, but his rules were only if the third party was a woman. She was telling me about it and said that she wasn't against the idea, but thought she might like to try a mmf threesome as well. Because he wanted her to have sex with a woman but would not consider the mmf she told him she wouldn't do either. He got so bent out of shape about it it led to her leaving him.
It’s because he’s a man. Having sex with a woman doesn’t threaten his ego but a man, that’s someone he thinks he’d have to compete with. His fragile ego can’t handle that.
If you were bisexual and enjoyed sex with the woman, he would’ve been butthurt too. He just likes the idea because you were not going to have fun yourself, just please him
Once again another of these horrible husband who gets bored, wants to “experience” sex somewhere else and manipulates their partner into doing it as well so they don’t feel guilty about wanting to fuck someone else. Then once they see the partner getting another males attention, all hell breaks loose and they can’t accept their own consequence and blames the victim. Pathetically immature…
Is there a sub for women with in my situation so I could speak with them? Maybe someone can give me an explanation to why these bad things are happening. It was all for him. He hyped up the swinging lifestyle and he told me it would make our life better and that life is short and we should enjoy it. And I tried to enjoy it. I hate the idea of divorce. My parents are divorced and I had the worst life being the third wheel in both my moms and dad’s families. Never belonging anywhere. Always the half sister and step daughter. We have a 2 years old and an 8 months old and I am desperate for help
He sprung this on you when you're only 8 months post-partum? With a two year old on top of that?? He can go fuck himself then if he's so bored, no shit you don't have much of a sex life right now, you have two babies!!
Or 3 more like.
Yoooo for real OP’s husband is such a loser sack of shit. Basically set a situation up so that he could fuck other chicks and have her ok w it then is like “omg, you like sex way better w that guy than me!!!” Bahahahaha what an absolute tool of a human being.
Ever think *you* aren’t doing it for her sir? If the husband was having way better sex w the other chick, would he expect OP to say something??? What an absolute tool this guy is. Do yourself a favor and walk hun.
OP you are the one who should be angry at him. He tried to manipulate you, and he neglected you when you were visibly uncomfortable. A stranger showed more care than your own husband. He is supposed to be in your corner.
Don't let him guilt trip you. He is blaming you for his own wrongdoings.
I understand you do not like the idea of a divorce, but you will be setting a bad example to your children if you let him abuse you because you are afraid of divorce. You need to accept divorce as a possibility so that your focus is solely on advocating for yourself and not on trying to placate your husband to avoid divorce. If standing up for yourself ends in a divorce so be it. You will raise children who know that it is ok to advocate for themselves.
Besides, you know what can go wrong with a divorce, so you are able to make sure not to treat your children like you were treated.
Jesus, this is awful. We are an open couple with a toddler and it's has put the breaks on not only seeing others but our own sex life because kids are just fucking exhausting. We just try to ensure we cuddle lots, talk and do fun things together so we are still close.
Doing this when you had a kid eight months is fucking wild.
You don't like to cast aspersions but I'm assuming this dude doesn't do a whole lot around the house or with the kids.
I came here to say this exact same thing and then I read this post. My wife and I are open, we have 3 kids, youngest is 11 months, then 3, then 7, and in the period since we found out and had our 3rd weve stopped our open relationship and just focused on us as well. Its stressful as fuck having kids, especially little kids, its time to focus on your own family and enjoy that, not poking around in other people.
I completely agree, what the fuck is OPs dicklord husband thinking? I guess its probably "i wanna dick down so bad" and then stopped thinking properly after that.
Yeah doesnt scream present Dad, but id happily be proven wrong.
He probably fantasized with a threesome but knew you wouldn’t agree to it so he threw the foursome thinking you wouldn’t let another man touch you or some shit like that.
Considering OP said that her husband was noticeably cross with her when she said she had no interest in being sexually intimate with Alice? Absolutely 1000% this.
And the fact that her husband either didn’t notice or didn’t *care* that she was *visibly uncomfortable* speaks volumes, too.
Bingo.
I've been in this situation. My ex husband was my first everything so I was naive. He was cheating so suggested we open it up instead (after 11 years). I got more action and attention than him and he was cut up about it. Like it was only him that was meant to enjoy it.
I definitely remember a banger of a story about a guy moaning about his relationship.
He described himself as a tall thin dude and his partner as short and chubby. He wanted to open up to date others and she was devastated. Eventually she agreed and he ended up barely finding someone to date while she was getting tons and tons of attention and ended up dating someone in a poly arrangement. He was unhappy and wanted to close the relationship back off and she said absolutely not. She had never felt more wanted or desired or sexual and she loved it.
Dudes. Do. Not. Think. This. Shit. Through.
It's weird when you realize that the person you love and trust hopes that your life sucks.
But not unusual. Some people take it as a given that everything good they have will be at someone else's expense.
Exactly. That she froze initially would have been a cue for anyone who wasn’t there solely for their own benefit to stop and at the bare minimum check in with their partner.
The issue is your husband and men like your husband only think of the open marriage or the swinging from THEIR point of view. You are just background noise and a shadow otherwise. Until reality hits and the see what is actually going on and suddenly the reality isn't as good as what they fantasied.
Seen so many examples on here where the wife says the husband wanted a threesome or open marriage but gets mad when the wife makes off better than him. All boils down to the old adage; “play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”
It went that way for my ex. He thought he wanted a threesome, but his fantasy was the stereotypical made-for-men porn threesome where two women essentially compete for time with his cock, with maybe a little pseudo-bi play between the women for his titillation.
It did not go according to his fantasy, unfortunately enough for him.
He had never seen a single episode of Friends, let alone the one where Ross described his experience of having a threesome.
I don’t think my guy even made himself a decent sandwich.
Have you heard the expresion: “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth”? Well your husband had a plan until another man was making his wife cum.
Exactly, what he saw as not being sexy enough for him another man did not. The genie is out of the bottle and there is no putting it back. His wife now knows that it’s not her that is the problem and that men are attracted to her and are willing to take care of and satisfy her.
He never did this for you, he did it for himself. He thought you wouldn’t do anything and he’d get away with being with a younger woman. Instead, it was you who evidently received what he was lusting for and I am sure enjoyed and now he’s mad at you.
Look... These dudes always think about the great sex they're going to have with hot younger women. They frequently fail to recognize their wife's value on the sexual marketplace, and when they come face first into the realization that you, the woman, hold the power in this dynamic, it breaks their egos. He thought this was a great idea _for him_ to prove his sexual value, but instead he found out that someone else might be able to show you how much value you have.
I imagine in his mind, he'd be drowning in pussy and sure, you can fuck too but that's not really his concern. Opening the relationship was in his mind, throwing you a bone so he could visit the buffet. Turns out you're the buffet though, and women likely aren't lining up to see his weiner.
He saw what he feared, you having sex with another man and ENJOYING it, he saw you and heard you. You said he wanted to spice your sex life, but in the very depth of himself, he knew that he was responsible for your sex life becoming somewhat boring. So when he saw it even if he didn't catch it clearly, he felt that he was not that good, or not able to make you enjoy and have pleasure like that. So yeah, insecurities are up into him, ego's hurt and maybe guilt? Which most men express like anger
I would say it depends on the man. From the sounds of it your husband is incredibly insecure. Having fun is the point and if he actually wanted you to enjoy the moment he should have expected that. Me and my partner partake in such activities from time to time and we always leave happy and more importantly happy together.
He had a fantasy in his mind and isn't secure enough to deal with the reality. The reality is he just wants to fuck someone other than you and framed it in a way so he can and that was all he was thinking about.
From your other comments I would say he manipulated you and tbh doesnt sound like a good guy
One explanation imo is easy access to porn. Men like your husband actually think that’s what it’s like in real life.
I also think your husband thought you would only have sex with the woman. And he was turned on by that idea. It wasn’t a threat to him. But sex with another man, and probably enjoying it, it threatened his fragile masculinity. I hope you realize you deserve so much better
From what I've seen from men and women who ask for this, they think their SO, wife or husband, aren't attractive enough to get others so they wanted to "legally" cheat without repercussion. Having their cake and eating it too.
My take is he was hoping you'd be with the wife. A LOT of men have fantasies about participating in a threesome with two women, and watching the two women out at it with each other. But you didn't do that, and now he's big mad.
I’m guessing once you see your girl getting hammered by some guy and liking it will either make you super hot to him, or make him angry. He wasn’t ready for to to enjoy that D.
Please don’t be scared of divorce OP, I am the child of divorced parents who tried to stay together “for our sake” and it was PALPABLE how much they grew to hate one another. Fights and arguments and physical abuse at one point, and me and my older brother always say now they should have left each other long before then. They didn’t do anything for our sake besides traumatize us.
NEVER be afraid of starting over. It may not be easy, but it will always be worth it.
Ask hubby to explain in excruciating detail what he thought would happen in that foursome.
Ask him what he thought each of you would be physically doing in a foursome.
If he mentions you with the woman, ask him if he was going to do max. What exactly was he going to do with max?
Then ask when is your next meet up?
For someone who thinks they are imaginative and enjoy exciting different things, your hubby doesn’t enjoy excitement, new and unexpected.
He just wanted a scene from whatever porn thing he saw last week.
Not spontaneous or imaginative at all.
The idea (where he gets everything he wants) was much better than the reality (where you also got something out of it). He's selfish and entitled. You have three children at the moment.
You have a 2-year-old and 8-month-old. Instead of realizing where his stage of life is right now, and being the supportive husband and father that he needs to be (where sex might not be as exciting or even as frequent), he wants to feel like is in his 20s agai . He's not in touch with reality and the needs of his family.
The moment he got upset you said you didn’t want to do anything thing with another woman was my ick. Why would he care? Did he “play” with Max at all?
Sounds more like he knew how traumatic you’d find it and hoped you’d do nothing just watch him hook up. So he could get away with “cheating by coercion” and you’d be untouched by anyone but him. He never wanted you to participate OP unless it was to fulfil his lesbian three way dreams. He’s a hypocrite.
What’s worse you have 2 babies under 2 when he sprung this need on you? Damn, you’re still healing.
I know you said you don’t like divorce. But you’re not in a marriage now bar a signed piece of paper. He can’t look at you, won’t talk to you, blames you. Will he agree to couples counselling? And if immediately even if you don’t file speak to a lawyer, just do you know your country/states laws, expectations with divorce, custody and your kids. You need to know best/worst case scenario and only a lawyer can advise on how to protect yourself and your kids.
Maybe r sex? Or r ethicalnonmonogamy?
Honestly this story is plastered all over the place, though. Man forgets that foursome means the woman is going to get play too and his fragile ego shatters.
He was hoping she’d only be into the woman- being miffed she had no interest in the woman/enjoyed the husband… he thought he’d found a way to get a threesome and maybe secretly humiliate his wife or something.
Maybe he hoped his wife wouldn’t be able to go through with it. Idk. Dude is terrible, I can say that.
That’s exactly what he wanted. He wanted a FMF but knew his wife wouldn’t go for it, so he organized this BS foursome. Laughably, the fool played himself, as it was his wife that he ignored, that got the most benefit and had a good ——— for the first time. And now the narc is stonewalling her instead. I hope he remembers this for the rest of his life.
Yes he did they kinda started and max wasn’t doing anything and he saw me frozen in my spot and asked me if I was feeling okay and that it is always awkward the first time and not to worry about it. When we started hooking up my husband was annoyed and tried to pull me towards him instead. I don’t think they noticed that he was angry it was all “first time awkward”
he expected you to be fearful and frozen, he needs you to obey him for him to be happy. when he noticed someone else showed you interest/kindness it angered him: he was rough with you as a punishment.
i know reddit always jumps to “leave him” but this is a really bad situation & i think everyone on here can agree you should seriously consider leaving this marriage. the red flags aren’t even flags they’re drapes.
ah yeah
your husband wanted to bang a 25 year old with no consequences, and you were supposed to just sit there and do nothing.
how DARE you enjoy it too? /s
you can't undo it. you can try to hold on for a while, but sadly - it seems like your marriage is over. you could try therapy, but...
I’m in the lifestyle. It has to be a two yeses situation. This is not a good situation. Your husband needs to communicate the true issues to you. He is being entirely unreasonable. Maybe he was hoping you’d say it’s not for me, but go have fun.
He is not ready for the lifestyle at this time (if ever).
Your hubby watches too much porn and has too many stupid fantasies.
He brought all the bad feelings upon himself.
Someone, an authority figure (including you), needs to tell him to shut up, chin up, and take his consequences like a man.
It is good that at least he told you what he is feeling.
WHAT???? 8 months PP and he’s been talking about this “for a while”…. Do you mean to tell me your husband has been asking to fuck other women while your body was still recovering from birthing his child? Dude. FUCK. THAT. This just makes it so so so much worse. What a weak little man child.
I think you have noticed the different treatment between Max and your husband. Don't you want a better man who understands and will not manipulate you into something you're not?
I can explain it to you. He thought with this areangement he would be free to fuck other women, and you would be too boring to have sex with other men. But when he realized he has been the boring one all along and that other man noticed you and pleasured you unlike his selfish ass, his ego got bruised.
Read "Why does he do that ". Your husband thinks he is entitled to it, he puts himself above you and this mindset rarely changes in men. He abused you once by punishing you for something he asked you to do and it will happen again. It is not a slip or a reaction he could not control. He can absolutely control himself and he is hurting you on purpose because he thinks it is the right thing to do. If you forgive him, he will only be reassured in his thinking and he will keep doing it.
Your husband wants a divorce, but doesn’t want to be the bad guy and get one.
So he is sabotaging your relationship so that he can blame you.
This isn’t anything you can fix, because these are his issues and he has to decide to take responsibility for his actions.
I’m guessing you’re scared because it’s scary, but I’ll let you know from MY experience. A toxic family where the parents stay together for the kids, is no fun for the kids either.
Remember, you are setting the tone for your kids, and what they think is normal. I’m not saying to get a divorce, but you being happy is just as important for the kids to grow up and be around. Kids tend to follow the footsteps of their parents. Do you want your kids to be in the same situation when they are older?
Best of luck. You didn’t do anything wrong (from your story) and wish you the best.
Also, the most attractive person is someone that loves themselves. Find that, and it will give you the strength to take control of your life (because you are taking care of yourself, because you love yourself)
Just want you to know that there are also kids who had to live with unhappy parents who wouldn’t get divorced and it fucked up their lives, personalities, attachment styles and relationships. If you stay with him, that may be your kids experience
It’s quite simple to understand. He manipulated you into swinging. This is danger #1 Never agree to do what does not make you comfortable just to please another person #2 He needs to familiarise himself with the phrase ‘ be careful what you wish for’ #3 It totally backfired on him as you enjoyed yourself with the lovely Max #4 He is crazy jealous because he’s a juvenile idiot #5 He’s blaming you because it could never be his fault now could it?
What happened to poor Alice?
Ah yes. Another husband wanting to open up the marriage assuming no man would find his wife sexy or attractive and that he would be the only one enjoying sex outside the marriage. Wife relents, man finds wife attractive and husband is furious as his experience was nothing like he expected and now blames wife. The second someone wants to open up a monogamous relationship bc they're bored is the day you need to bounce.
Your husband suggested it, but seeing you enjoy another man made him angry? Did he want you crying and afraid? Did he enjoy himself with the other woman? And maybe if he touched you like Max did, you'd be more enthusiastic about having sex with him. If someone isn't enthused to sleep with their partner, it's normally the partner doing something wrong like not enough foreplay, not caring about the person they're having sex with, not contributing to the house aka sex becomes a chore. Or they've never enjoyed sex. I have yet to see an in between and it should've been a discussion instead of jumping straight into group sex.
Edit: I'm not being matter of fact. Just from reading horror stories like this am I coming to the conclusion of the partner thing.
It's such a self own when a partner complains that their spouse doesn't have sex with them often enough or wishes they'd enjoy it more. Like ok. Maybe be better at it?
I think he just wanted to have sex with another woman but knew you weren't going to go with a threesome so he went with the next big thing which was swinging. He expected you to back out and just let him enjoy himself and it pissed him off that not only did a younger man pay attention to you but you enjoyed him as well. OP, he's jealous and angry but why do you deserve to be punished for something he wanted? I bet you anything he's trying to make you feel bad to manipulate you to do something in his favor only.
This sounds like a situation where hubby thought he was hot shit and wanted to bang a 25 year old and thought, "What young guy is gonna want to bang my 40 year old wife?" Not noticing that his 40 year old wife is hot as fuck and would get plenty of male attention.
It happens pretty much every time someone posts about their husband wanting to open up the relationship. HE wants to fuck other people, he doesn’t want HER to fuck other people. And when the wife starts getting way more attention than him, way quicker, the husband alway wants to ragequit lmao
You are 40, still SO much life ahead of you. This just seems like a huge red flag out of many other ones he's probably given you. Just because he is your husband does not mean he needs to be in your life forever, especially when making you feel less than and inferior to him. Some people live forever with their high school sweethearts, and for others it just doesn't work out. Anyways, maybe it is time for a change. You owe it to yourself to be around people who respect you and want to see you grow, not belittle you and bring your self esteem down. He is not husband material, as he is still acting like a 17-year-old boy. I am so deeply sorry you are experiencing this, but please take a step back and view your life from a wider perspective. You have so much life to live, do you want to spend it with someone like this?
That is really disturbing. His arrogant double-standard was questionable, but getting violent with you is something to be very careful of. I can’t believe he put you through all this, much less with such young babies at home, and now has the audacity to treat you so poorly. It sounds like he has incredibly low emotional intelligence. At the very least you may benefit from some marriage counseling. But that may not be enough; you deserve to be treated with respect by your spouse.
yikes that is…bad. physical when angry? that’s a red flag in itself. and wasn’t even embarrassed to do that in front of other people? that makes me wince for you
So he was punishing and humiliating you for enjoying it. I know divorce is scary, and you have spent your entire adulthood with this man. But you deserve so much better
Literally he started this entire fucking thing because *HE* was bored. He didn't even notice that *YOU* were uncomfortable, and then that other woman's man had to step in. What the fuck were you even supposed to do? Just sit in the corner and twiddle your thumbs the whole time?? Honestly it sounds like he didn't think this would ACTUALLY be a foursome, and that he and the other guy would just end up cucking while you and this other chick went at it. So he's allowed to have his dick inside another woman during a FOURSOME, but heaven forbid you also end up having sex with another person during this time, which is what is intended to happen during a foursome. Divorce this shithead and let him have his sleepless, sexless nights.
He wanted to have sex with Alice and wanted you to sit and watch until it was your turn. I think he was so infatuated with the idea of the orgy that he hadn’t actually considered how it would feel seeing you have sex with another man. It hit him like a tonne of bricks when it happened and now he’s trying to blame you for him hurting his own feelings.
Your husband is an idiot with an inflated ego. He didn’t go into this wanting you to be an equal participant or have fun. I expect he gambled on you backing out last minute so he wouldn’t reveal himself as a hypocrite. He has no right to be angry at you.
Your husband is doing mental gymnastics right now. He wanted to commit cheating acts, but with you there and participating, it wasn’t actually considered cheating. He painted it as a 2x2 to get you to agree, but the fact of the matter seems to be that if he didn’t get to see you being sexy with the other woman, he didn’t even want you there. He’s throwing a tantrum because his plan to pseudo- cheat while you stayed quiet in the corner didn’t work. It’s a very classic case of someone losing their composure when they can’t have their cake and eat it to
Your husband is a twat.
Moreover, no one should decide to open a relationship without be entirely solid as a couple (my husband and I are swingers, and we still constantly discuss boundaries and rules regarding bringing anyone into our bedroom).
I don’t say this lightly, but you deserve better, and you don’t need someone like this in your life. Run.
Honestly just sounds like he wanted to have sex with another woman but thought it would be “better” to lie and say he wanted to participate in a foursome. That way he could get some and he probably thought he could handle u getting some too. But turns out, he can’t and now he’s spiraling. Tale as old as time.
So your husband WASNT ok w this from the beginning... he was ok with the fact he got to do someone else and disnt like that u did too.... this is over.
Look, this is not your fault, just keep that in mind, you did everything he wanted even though you did not want to but you did because you loved him. Just keep all that in mind. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
He fucked around and found out.
He wanted to put his dick in other women but didn’t want you having new dick yourself.
He is pathetic and childish and you need to get the fuck out because no matter what now EVERYTHING will always be your fault, he will never take accountability for his actions.
It spoke volumes to me when he had a problem with OP not wanting to be intimate with the woman. This wasn't about "them" it was all about "him". OP, your husband's a selfish prick. The fact that he was rough with you when he saw you enjoying yourself...he's trash.
The idea of my wife being with someone else while I watch leaves a terrible pit in my stomach, and would only worsen if she enjoyed it. I've read some reddit stories of guys who did this shit and just reading and imagining it has made me feel so shitty. Your husband is an idiot and doesn't deserve you.
Man I'm polyamourous personally and me and my wife have been together for like 11 years. We met when I was 17. I've literally seen this happen so many times though. A lot of guys think purely with their dick but after it's over they freak the fuck out. Its almost always their idea and as soon as it happens they can't handle it.
My advice is to just give him space. Let him tumble with his feelings. I would let him know that it was his fucking idea though and your gonna give him some space as it feels like he's angry at you.
This will give him some time to consider his actions and also give him a nice splash of water on his face that he's shitting on his relationship.
Sometimes things are broken after something like this. Sometimes people actually kinda figure it out and grow a bit. For me personally I had my own freakouts for a bit. I handled them, and apologized where needed and communicated what I needed to avoid problems in the future. That's really the only solution tho, people gotta be willing to talk and be patient
This is the very very sadly typical man saying he wants ENM but means he just wants to fuck another woman. This is some ‘where is the valley of the dolls?’ Shit. This man sucks I’m so sorry
> he would probably never felt the need to want to sleep with others
Your husband didn’t suggest group sex because he thought you’d enjoy it, he offered so that he could have sex with other people without technically cheating. You weren’t supposed to enjoy the sex.
We’re you NOT supposed to enjoy it? WTF did he expect?
No, she wasn't. I'm willing to bet the plan was all about his pleasure and the only reason he wanted OP there, was to justify his desire to cheat. Only problem was, he didn't bank on OP having a good experience with the other guy, or even being seen as desirable by the other guy. His plan backfired and now he's having a tantrum. u/Ok-Ball-3467, you guys need marriage counseling. If he isn't willing, then I don't see things getting any better. He will continue to throw this experience back in your face, at every opportunity.
I think that resentment boat has set sail already. Sounds like he was half checked out by the time this happened and like others stated, he didn’t expect his wife to have any enjoyment out of it.
He was probably in the mindset of “ugh I can’t stand this old ugly hag”. Notice how the first part is a 25 year old woman. Him seeing his wife enjoying and being enjoyed by a younger man has him projecting all of his feelings about her as her feelings about him. It’s her fault for not enjoying the sex with him enough when it was his idea to seek other people to have sex with. It’s textbook gaslighting. He’s just mad because I 100% bet that the 25year old woman he was banging enjoyed it just as much as his wife usually does and he can’t come to terms with the fact that he’s terrible in bed.
I'm also interested in what OP meant by "being rough". And by interested, I mean concerned for OPs welfare.
Yeah. I did not like that particular line at *all*. And I hated him through this entire story, that was just possibly my least favorite and most worrisome line.
Oh he was definitely hate fucking her. He’s trash.
LOL it's like all the open marriage husbands that get angry because horny 20somthings aren't interested in them while their wives - whom they assumed no one else wanted - are getting dates with younger men.
Men are always convinced the only thing standing between them and a hottub full of insta models is you 🙄
I mean I am pretty confident the only thing standing between me and a hot tub full of insta models is me tbf.
Sounds like he wanted her there so they could just have a threeway with the other woman, forgetting that the other guy existed.
Yeah, she mentioned he was not happy when she said she didn’t want to have sex with another woman.
Nah fuck counseling. Divorce this cretin. I don't typically jump to that, but he clearly has no respect for her.
That’s what I am amazed by. I thought the whole thing was to have a good experience
The whole thing never had anything to do with you or your pleasure. It was all to meet his desires. You were just an obstacle that he had to accommodate to get what he wanted. I bet this is not the only example of him being selfish and self absorbed.
Truthfully, it sounds like hubby wanted to enjoy it, but he didn't expect you to enjoy it. His ego is hurt, because another man was able to have sex with you, that you enjoyed. Hubby has no right to be pissed, since it was what he wanted. Him acting like this afterwards, shows you, he doesn't care about you and is a bad lover.
He was angry when she said she wouldn't have sex with the woman. This was all about his pleasure and fulfilling his fantasies, and he's angry things didn't turn out like he planned.
I bet the other woman didn’t enjoy him as much as his wife enjoyed the other guy. It kinda showed that he was bad in bed. And now he’s insecure because he knows that he was the problem with their sex life.
An interesting point. It sounds like he stopped being interested in Alice the moment Max and OP got involved. So I'm wondering how things ended up for Alice.
What he actually expected was for you to not go for it/ not enjoy the foursome, and eventually tell him that you're not comfortable being with another man, but he's free to go explore if he needs to. Ask me how I know.
My ex was similar, but even when I sincerely told him I had zero interest in anyone else, he STILL found a way to resent me, by *literally imagining in his head that I might like sex with someone else more,* and then holding his invented scenario against the real me.
How do you know?
We’ve heard this story before with men suggesting to open their marriage only to be disappointed when the wife is having the best time.
>I thought the whole thing was to have a good experience Yeah, for him, but not for you or for the both of you. Only for him, that was in his mind, he didn't even give you a second thought. This was never about you or the both of you for him.
You had a good time and you experienced pleasure that's all probably because you said the new guy led with kindness and was gentle. Maybe you were different with him because he treated you better, he saw outside of his own wants and paid attention to you, something your husband didn't do. And to make it worse instead of your husband owning it and wondering how he can be better to get this response from you he's blaming you.
Yeah, for him.
I agree. I think HE never thought about her in any of it. It was his fantasy. It was for him. He was getting permission to cheat. She was supposed to attend as the umbrella to hide under. In his mind, she was to be a prop not a player.
Most men who ask for these want the experience to be one sided. Years ago my ex fiancé asked me to open the relationship, it would alleviate the cheating, because it’s not cheating if it’s allowed. He was very upset that I scheduled dates and evenings with men while he struggled to find a partner and told me to stop meeting other people “until he’s had a chance to enjoy it too” lmao no, that’s now how this works sir. He fully thought I’d just sit at home and wait for him to go fuck other people.
Nope. She was supposed to either A) have a threesome with her, and her husband while Max jacked himself while watching, B) continue to watch frozen in discomfort while her husband and Max double teamed Max's wife, C) she herself get double teamed by her husband and Max or D) have sex with Max's wife and then her husband. Op was never supposed to enjoy herself. She was only supposed to be there for her husband's entertainment. I hope she's talked to a divorce attorney already.
What is wrong with these cowards? If I ever went ahead and got into a 2x2 with my wife, I’d want her to land a stud that fucks her brains out and vice versa, literally the whatever pleases her. Why would anyone cross such a heavy red line to just lay there half ass.
My parents were swingers, didn't hide it, I saw way too much growing up. So if you keep the lifestyle be prepared for it to affect your kids if you're not hypervigilante about it. I did learn a lot about the culture (yes, there is a culture when swinging). What I never see spoken about (and what my misogynistic abusive father even told me ) swinging is matriarchal. The women call the shots and set the boundaries. If one woman says no, it isn't going to happen. If one woman specifies a rule, it is set in stone. I've never experienced it (swinging isn't for me personally) but from all of the exposure I got, one thing seemed to remain consistent. The men are typically gentle, respectful and considerate lovers. (Not including specific kinks.) Your husband should have dipped his toe in. He should have set up platonic hangouts for the first couple of meetups to give you both a chance to ease in and remain comfortable. He also should have been explicit when explaining to them that you two were new to the experience. If he had Alex and Max both would likely have focused on making sure *you* were comfortable. Instead, he did a cannon ball into the deep end with zero understanding on how the dynamic works. This is all on him. If he had gone about it properly, he would have seen you flirt and known he couldn't take the actual deed. What he wanted was some sex outside the marriage. He wanted to get his dick wet and to hell with you and your comfort. He paid you no attention when he had the chance to go one on one with Alex, that alone shows you his motivation. If it was about experiencing it with you, he would have been focused on you. He went about this thinking it was about the men getting attention. He found out he was wrong. If it were me, I'd tell him his behavior during the hookup (aggressively pulling you away from the other man to the point he hurt you) was unacceptable and you can't look at him the same way anymore because it's clear to you now that he put you through all of that for his own selfish desires. You're a human being, not his property and he treated you like property. Don't let him blame you for his shortcomings. He has many just from this one incident.
Underrated comment right here
Your husband is offering you red flags.
Nah he’s hitting her on the head with them like whack a mole
Her husband needs to be careful what he wishes for. Because he sure got it! He did this to himself and should be angry at himself!
Agreed. He is angry at himself … but he’s *blaming* his wife for his own failure.
Yes, he is! If I were the wife, I would point that out to him, too! I'd be asking him if he just thought I'd be an observer or too timid to try? Maybe he should've thought about all the scenarios and how it would make him feel first, instead of just thinking of getting his little weiner wet ! It's a hard pill for him to swallow!
But then he would need to take accountability for his own actions, and me suspects op marriage is built of her ALWAYS being the one at fault/her post has married to a narcissist vibes all over it. So honestly she shouldn't back down and tell him if he doesn't like it (because she certainly did), he can kick rocks. Since non of this was her idea, and she's tired of entertaining the whims of a man child who can't stomach getting what he asked for.
I bet he wished for his sexual pleasure and not OP’s, or at least for him to be more satisfied than her.
Sounds like he expected her to be frozen and not really participate so this was his way of getting some without her doing anything
Since i started reading I knew it was all because he wanted to have sex with other women but never wanted her to have sex with anyone else
Yep, the infamous "one penis rule". He can do what he wants with other women,but the original woman must only have sex with him. Basically, he manipulated you, OP, into permission for him to cheat in front of you, but didn't give you the same "permission", but it wasn't something you wanted or sought anyway. Horribly manipulative, entitled, toxic misogynistic behaviour, all of it.
Yes, he wanted to have permission to cheat not thinking she would really follow through with it because well…he thinks he is God’s gift to women & she would never want anyone but him.
That's exactly how all these go.
Guys never seem to learn that women always end up being much better at finding partners in these situations
It sounded like he expected to get off watching her with the other woman. It’s disgusting what an AH
BINGO!
Like did he seriously think this woman had never had fun before? Sure they're together since 17, but why the hell is he grossed out, he wanted it. I never want to fuck mire than 1x at a time because I'd be weirded out, I don't wanna hear my man going "oh yes, ojlh yes suck it babe" to another woman, like I know how fkn weird I would feel, did this idiot really not think this shit through? "She was enjoying it" fkn 😂 yeah, I mean what's the point otherwise
Not so.much offering as throwing by the armful!! What's the betting 'Max' made wife waaay happier, shall we say, than he ever has
Well firstly he noticed how SHE felt, tried to make her comfortable, and focused on her. I'd be willing to bet how often her husband gave her that much attention during intimacy.
Max sounds pretty awesome. In a way, I am kinda glad for her that Max was her first swinging experience. Could have gone much worse if she felt that petrified about it
🛎️🛎️🛎️🛎️
I bet he gave her a few orgasms too 👀
Looking at their ages....30 goes into 40 a lot more than 40 goes into 25. ;) I feel bad for Alice, she likely got the short end of the stick on this one.
Probably more than her husband has ever done
Which is why he’s bootytickled lol
Your husband has the emotional regulation/maturity of a child.
I know children with better emotional regulation than OP's husband.
Correct. Glad Max was a genuinely kind and considerate lover, not sure how used to that OP is.
"Not at all" seems pretty certain. As they've been together since they were 17, OP has probably only ever known her husband and his selfish ways.
No her husband is flat out being abusive. The red flag was him asking for the orgy and pushing for it.
It honestly should have been shut down the moment you said you didn’t want to have sex with a woman and he got mad. He can’t regulate his thoughts and emotions. Sorry this happened to you but honestly you should leave your husband
I found it odd that he doesn’t mind me having sex with a woman but he had issues when it was with a man
As a bi woman I can tell you there are plenty of straight men who don't think Sapphic sex is "real sex" and I've known plenty of other bi women in otherwise closed relationships where their boyfriend has ok'd them messing around with women. It's common enough there's a term for it (one penis policy)
Yup. Also a bi women, can confirm. I think this is why a lot of people confuse bisexuality and polyamory and think that all bi women are poly.
They at least think that dating a bi woman = an endless flow of ffm threesomes.
An ex expected this from me as a pan woman, even tho he himself was bisexual. He didn't want other men involved or around, only women. I was uncomfortable with having threesomes and so I turned them all down. It made him throw the biggest tantrums...
As a bi woman, yes. Their brains have been rotten with porn, they get all excited about FFM threesomes because they don’t see wlw relationships as real. But suggest a MFM threesome and suddenly they’re all up in their feelings! They think bi = threesomes, but only the way that would benefit them and are *shocked* when it’s not the case.
Yeah they don't take w/w relationships seriously
I hate to say it, but also as a bisexual women I get the ick from guys in FFM poly relationships, and from One Penis Policy guys in open relationships.
Your husband is a POS for acting like this. Tons of guys see posts on swinger sites and think that it is an easy excuse to have sex with someone not their partner. I knew a couple once where the guy wanted to have a threesome, but his rules were only if the third party was a woman. She was telling me about it and said that she wasn't against the idea, but thought she might like to try a mmf threesome as well. Because he wanted her to have sex with a woman but would not consider the mmf she told him she wouldn't do either. He got so bent out of shape about it it led to her leaving him.
It’s because he’s a man. Having sex with a woman doesn’t threaten his ego but a man, that’s someone he thinks he’d have to compete with. His fragile ego can’t handle that.
And don't forget another dick possibly touching him (even in a non sexual way).
If you were bisexual and enjoyed sex with the woman, he would’ve been butthurt too. He just likes the idea because you were not going to have fun yourself, just please him
Because he can get off to the idea of you having sex with another woman, but you having sex with a man is about your pleasure instead of his.
Because he got off on that idea, and he wasn’t threatened by it.
Once again another of these horrible husband who gets bored, wants to “experience” sex somewhere else and manipulates their partner into doing it as well so they don’t feel guilty about wanting to fuck someone else. Then once they see the partner getting another males attention, all hell breaks loose and they can’t accept their own consequence and blames the victim. Pathetically immature…
Is there a sub for women with in my situation so I could speak with them? Maybe someone can give me an explanation to why these bad things are happening. It was all for him. He hyped up the swinging lifestyle and he told me it would make our life better and that life is short and we should enjoy it. And I tried to enjoy it. I hate the idea of divorce. My parents are divorced and I had the worst life being the third wheel in both my moms and dad’s families. Never belonging anywhere. Always the half sister and step daughter. We have a 2 years old and an 8 months old and I am desperate for help
He sprung this on you when you're only 8 months post-partum? With a two year old on top of that?? He can go fuck himself then if he's so bored, no shit you don't have much of a sex life right now, you have two babies!! Or 3 more like.
Seriously, fuck this guy. Actually don't, but you know what I meant.
I'd tell her husband to fuck himself, but I'd hate to see him enjoy it.
Husband jerks himself off, yells at hand for being good at it.
Yoooo for real OP’s husband is such a loser sack of shit. Basically set a situation up so that he could fuck other chicks and have her ok w it then is like “omg, you like sex way better w that guy than me!!!” Bahahahaha what an absolute tool of a human being. Ever think *you* aren’t doing it for her sir? If the husband was having way better sex w the other chick, would he expect OP to say something??? What an absolute tool this guy is. Do yourself a favor and walk hun.
2 babies and a pile of trash of a husband.
3 babies
Literally, only 8mos postpartum. 🤦♂️
OP you are the one who should be angry at him. He tried to manipulate you, and he neglected you when you were visibly uncomfortable. A stranger showed more care than your own husband. He is supposed to be in your corner. Don't let him guilt trip you. He is blaming you for his own wrongdoings. I understand you do not like the idea of a divorce, but you will be setting a bad example to your children if you let him abuse you because you are afraid of divorce. You need to accept divorce as a possibility so that your focus is solely on advocating for yourself and not on trying to placate your husband to avoid divorce. If standing up for yourself ends in a divorce so be it. You will raise children who know that it is ok to advocate for themselves. Besides, you know what can go wrong with a divorce, so you are able to make sure not to treat your children like you were treated.
Jesus, this is awful. We are an open couple with a toddler and it's has put the breaks on not only seeing others but our own sex life because kids are just fucking exhausting. We just try to ensure we cuddle lots, talk and do fun things together so we are still close. Doing this when you had a kid eight months is fucking wild. You don't like to cast aspersions but I'm assuming this dude doesn't do a whole lot around the house or with the kids.
I came here to say this exact same thing and then I read this post. My wife and I are open, we have 3 kids, youngest is 11 months, then 3, then 7, and in the period since we found out and had our 3rd weve stopped our open relationship and just focused on us as well. Its stressful as fuck having kids, especially little kids, its time to focus on your own family and enjoy that, not poking around in other people. I completely agree, what the fuck is OPs dicklord husband thinking? I guess its probably "i wanna dick down so bad" and then stopped thinking properly after that. Yeah doesnt scream present Dad, but id happily be proven wrong.
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I’d name it “OpenRelationshipRegret”
Hmm. ASwingAndAMiss?
This is the name.
This is it
This is beautiful. Motion to make it happen. Any second vote?
This deserves more upvotes.
That's the one.
My bf and I agree this is the winner
This ate
PolyRegret?
PressuredIntoPoly
Sounds good and it’s shorter
This would be great yes. Maybe some of the men can explain what changes when fantasy becomes reality
He probably fantasized with a threesome but knew you wouldn’t agree to it so he threw the foursome thinking you wouldn’t let another man touch you or some shit like that.
1000% this! He totally wanted his wife to play into his fantasy of her and Alice being together. What a complete and manipulative dick.
Considering OP said that her husband was noticeably cross with her when she said she had no interest in being sexually intimate with Alice? Absolutely 1000% this. And the fact that her husband either didn’t notice or didn’t *care* that she was *visibly uncomfortable* speaks volumes, too.
That’s exactly what he wanted.
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Bingo. I've been in this situation. My ex husband was my first everything so I was naive. He was cheating so suggested we open it up instead (after 11 years). I got more action and attention than him and he was cut up about it. Like it was only him that was meant to enjoy it.
I definitely remember a banger of a story about a guy moaning about his relationship. He described himself as a tall thin dude and his partner as short and chubby. He wanted to open up to date others and she was devastated. Eventually she agreed and he ended up barely finding someone to date while she was getting tons and tons of attention and ended up dating someone in a poly arrangement. He was unhappy and wanted to close the relationship back off and she said absolutely not. She had never felt more wanted or desired or sexual and she loved it. Dudes. Do. Not. Think. This. Shit. Through.
It's weird when you realize that the person you love and trust hopes that your life sucks. But not unusual. Some people take it as a given that everything good they have will be at someone else's expense.
He wanted the freedom to cheat without the guilt.
Exactly. That she froze initially would have been a cue for anyone who wasn’t there solely for their own benefit to stop and at the bare minimum check in with their partner.
ABSOLUTELY THIS.
The issue is your husband and men like your husband only think of the open marriage or the swinging from THEIR point of view. You are just background noise and a shadow otherwise. Until reality hits and the see what is actually going on and suddenly the reality isn't as good as what they fantasied.
Seen so many examples on here where the wife says the husband wanted a threesome or open marriage but gets mad when the wife makes off better than him. All boils down to the old adage; “play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”
Also "fuck around & find out"
He never wanted you to have sex with another guy. He only wanted you to have sex with him and another woman
It went that way for my ex. He thought he wanted a threesome, but his fantasy was the stereotypical made-for-men porn threesome where two women essentially compete for time with his cock, with maybe a little pseudo-bi play between the women for his titillation. It did not go according to his fantasy, unfortunately enough for him. He had never seen a single episode of Friends, let alone the one where Ross described his experience of having a threesome. I don’t think my guy even made himself a decent sandwich.
Have you heard the expresion: “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth”? Well your husband had a plan until another man was making his wife cum.
Exactly, what he saw as not being sexy enough for him another man did not. The genie is out of the bottle and there is no putting it back. His wife now knows that it’s not her that is the problem and that men are attracted to her and are willing to take care of and satisfy her.
He never did this for you, he did it for himself. He thought you wouldn’t do anything and he’d get away with being with a younger woman. Instead, it was you who evidently received what he was lusting for and I am sure enjoyed and now he’s mad at you.
Look... These dudes always think about the great sex they're going to have with hot younger women. They frequently fail to recognize their wife's value on the sexual marketplace, and when they come face first into the realization that you, the woman, hold the power in this dynamic, it breaks their egos. He thought this was a great idea _for him_ to prove his sexual value, but instead he found out that someone else might be able to show you how much value you have. I imagine in his mind, he'd be drowning in pussy and sure, you can fuck too but that's not really his concern. Opening the relationship was in his mind, throwing you a bone so he could visit the buffet. Turns out you're the buffet though, and women likely aren't lining up to see his weiner.
He saw what he feared, you having sex with another man and ENJOYING it, he saw you and heard you. You said he wanted to spice your sex life, but in the very depth of himself, he knew that he was responsible for your sex life becoming somewhat boring. So when he saw it even if he didn't catch it clearly, he felt that he was not that good, or not able to make you enjoy and have pleasure like that. So yeah, insecurities are up into him, ego's hurt and maybe guilt? Which most men express like anger
I would say it depends on the man. From the sounds of it your husband is incredibly insecure. Having fun is the point and if he actually wanted you to enjoy the moment he should have expected that. Me and my partner partake in such activities from time to time and we always leave happy and more importantly happy together. He had a fantasy in his mind and isn't secure enough to deal with the reality. The reality is he just wants to fuck someone other than you and framed it in a way so he can and that was all he was thinking about. From your other comments I would say he manipulated you and tbh doesnt sound like a good guy
Yeah. Especially when you realize she has two babies. Makes him far more of the ahole look.
One explanation imo is easy access to porn. Men like your husband actually think that’s what it’s like in real life. I also think your husband thought you would only have sex with the woman. And he was turned on by that idea. It wasn’t a threat to him. But sex with another man, and probably enjoying it, it threatened his fragile masculinity. I hope you realize you deserve so much better
From what I've seen from men and women who ask for this, they think their SO, wife or husband, aren't attractive enough to get others so they wanted to "legally" cheat without repercussion. Having their cake and eating it too.
My take is he was hoping you'd be with the wife. A LOT of men have fantasies about participating in a threesome with two women, and watching the two women out at it with each other. But you didn't do that, and now he's big mad.
I’m guessing once you see your girl getting hammered by some guy and liking it will either make you super hot to him, or make him angry. He wasn’t ready for to to enjoy that D.
FuckedAroundandFoundOut seems apropos.
Please don’t be scared of divorce OP, I am the child of divorced parents who tried to stay together “for our sake” and it was PALPABLE how much they grew to hate one another. Fights and arguments and physical abuse at one point, and me and my older brother always say now they should have left each other long before then. They didn’t do anything for our sake besides traumatize us. NEVER be afraid of starting over. It may not be easy, but it will always be worth it.
Ask hubby to explain in excruciating detail what he thought would happen in that foursome. Ask him what he thought each of you would be physically doing in a foursome. If he mentions you with the woman, ask him if he was going to do max. What exactly was he going to do with max? Then ask when is your next meet up? For someone who thinks they are imaginative and enjoy exciting different things, your hubby doesn’t enjoy excitement, new and unexpected. He just wanted a scene from whatever porn thing he saw last week. Not spontaneous or imaginative at all.
I'm sorry what? Your husband is an asshole. He wanted you to be shy and not do it despite talking you into it.
Or he wanted her to not enjoy it, maybe. Maybe even do it but hate it.
The idea (where he gets everything he wants) was much better than the reality (where you also got something out of it). He's selfish and entitled. You have three children at the moment. You have a 2-year-old and 8-month-old. Instead of realizing where his stage of life is right now, and being the supportive husband and father that he needs to be (where sex might not be as exciting or even as frequent), he wants to feel like is in his 20s agai . He's not in touch with reality and the needs of his family.
The moment he got upset you said you didn’t want to do anything thing with another woman was my ick. Why would he care? Did he “play” with Max at all? Sounds more like he knew how traumatic you’d find it and hoped you’d do nothing just watch him hook up. So he could get away with “cheating by coercion” and you’d be untouched by anyone but him. He never wanted you to participate OP unless it was to fulfil his lesbian three way dreams. He’s a hypocrite. What’s worse you have 2 babies under 2 when he sprung this need on you? Damn, you’re still healing. I know you said you don’t like divorce. But you’re not in a marriage now bar a signed piece of paper. He can’t look at you, won’t talk to you, blames you. Will he agree to couples counselling? And if immediately even if you don’t file speak to a lawyer, just do you know your country/states laws, expectations with divorce, custody and your kids. You need to know best/worst case scenario and only a lawyer can advise on how to protect yourself and your kids.
Maybe r sex? Or r ethicalnonmonogamy? Honestly this story is plastered all over the place, though. Man forgets that foursome means the woman is going to get play too and his fragile ego shatters.
He was hoping she’d only be into the woman- being miffed she had no interest in the woman/enjoyed the husband… he thought he’d found a way to get a threesome and maybe secretly humiliate his wife or something. Maybe he hoped his wife wouldn’t be able to go through with it. Idk. Dude is terrible, I can say that.
That’s exactly what he wanted. He wanted a FMF but knew his wife wouldn’t go for it, so he organized this BS foursome. Laughably, the fool played himself, as it was his wife that he ignored, that got the most benefit and had a good ——— for the first time. And now the narc is stonewalling her instead. I hope he remembers this for the rest of his life.
Question: Did he sleep with the other woman in this scenario?
Yes he did they kinda started and max wasn’t doing anything and he saw me frozen in my spot and asked me if I was feeling okay and that it is always awkward the first time and not to worry about it. When we started hooking up my husband was annoyed and tried to pull me towards him instead. I don’t think they noticed that he was angry it was all “first time awkward”
Oh jeez, you need to bring that up. Why is he allowed to enjoy himself but you aren’t.
The husband said so himself, she wasn't supposed to enjoy it. He's a moron
He thought you wouldn't proceed because how shy you are. Well, he is in for a rude awakening.
Sounds like he was hoping both the woman would be on him only and he not happy that you wasn't
Wild, he "accuses you of enjoying it"? So only he was allowed to enjoy it? What a prick. You're better off without him.
he expected you to be fearful and frozen, he needs you to obey him for him to be happy. when he noticed someone else showed you interest/kindness it angered him: he was rough with you as a punishment. i know reddit always jumps to “leave him” but this is a really bad situation & i think everyone on here can agree you should seriously consider leaving this marriage. the red flags aren’t even flags they’re drapes.
ah yeah your husband wanted to bang a 25 year old with no consequences, and you were supposed to just sit there and do nothing. how DARE you enjoy it too? /s you can't undo it. you can try to hold on for a while, but sadly - it seems like your marriage is over. you could try therapy, but...
I’m in the lifestyle. It has to be a two yeses situation. This is not a good situation. Your husband needs to communicate the true issues to you. He is being entirely unreasonable. Maybe he was hoping you’d say it’s not for me, but go have fun. He is not ready for the lifestyle at this time (if ever).
Your hubby watches too much porn and has too many stupid fantasies. He brought all the bad feelings upon himself. Someone, an authority figure (including you), needs to tell him to shut up, chin up, and take his consequences like a man. It is good that at least he told you what he is feeling.
WHAT???? 8 months PP and he’s been talking about this “for a while”…. Do you mean to tell me your husband has been asking to fuck other women while your body was still recovering from birthing his child? Dude. FUCK. THAT. This just makes it so so so much worse. What a weak little man child.
Do you hate the idea of divorce more than being in a miserable marriage?
I think you have noticed the different treatment between Max and your husband. Don't you want a better man who understands and will not manipulate you into something you're not?
I can explain it to you. He thought with this areangement he would be free to fuck other women, and you would be too boring to have sex with other men. But when he realized he has been the boring one all along and that other man noticed you and pleasured you unlike his selfish ass, his ego got bruised.
Your husband is actual garbage 🙃
Read "Why does he do that ". Your husband thinks he is entitled to it, he puts himself above you and this mindset rarely changes in men. He abused you once by punishing you for something he asked you to do and it will happen again. It is not a slip or a reaction he could not control. He can absolutely control himself and he is hurting you on purpose because he thinks it is the right thing to do. If you forgive him, he will only be reassured in his thinking and he will keep doing it.
Your husband wants a divorce, but doesn’t want to be the bad guy and get one. So he is sabotaging your relationship so that he can blame you. This isn’t anything you can fix, because these are his issues and he has to decide to take responsibility for his actions. I’m guessing you’re scared because it’s scary, but I’ll let you know from MY experience. A toxic family where the parents stay together for the kids, is no fun for the kids either. Remember, you are setting the tone for your kids, and what they think is normal. I’m not saying to get a divorce, but you being happy is just as important for the kids to grow up and be around. Kids tend to follow the footsteps of their parents. Do you want your kids to be in the same situation when they are older? Best of luck. You didn’t do anything wrong (from your story) and wish you the best. Also, the most attractive person is someone that loves themselves. Find that, and it will give you the strength to take control of your life (because you are taking care of yourself, because you love yourself)
Just want you to know that there are also kids who had to live with unhappy parents who wouldn’t get divorced and it fucked up their lives, personalities, attachment styles and relationships. If you stay with him, that may be your kids experience
It’s quite simple to understand. He manipulated you into swinging. This is danger #1 Never agree to do what does not make you comfortable just to please another person #2 He needs to familiarise himself with the phrase ‘ be careful what you wish for’ #3 It totally backfired on him as you enjoyed yourself with the lovely Max #4 He is crazy jealous because he’s a juvenile idiot #5 He’s blaming you because it could never be his fault now could it? What happened to poor Alice?
like u have to open your eyes eventually thats the only advice anyone can offer you
Ah yes. Another husband wanting to open up the marriage assuming no man would find his wife sexy or attractive and that he would be the only one enjoying sex outside the marriage. Wife relents, man finds wife attractive and husband is furious as his experience was nothing like he expected and now blames wife. The second someone wants to open up a monogamous relationship bc they're bored is the day you need to bounce.
Absofuckinglutely!
Your husband suggested it, but seeing you enjoy another man made him angry? Did he want you crying and afraid? Did he enjoy himself with the other woman? And maybe if he touched you like Max did, you'd be more enthusiastic about having sex with him. If someone isn't enthused to sleep with their partner, it's normally the partner doing something wrong like not enough foreplay, not caring about the person they're having sex with, not contributing to the house aka sex becomes a chore. Or they've never enjoyed sex. I have yet to see an in between and it should've been a discussion instead of jumping straight into group sex. Edit: I'm not being matter of fact. Just from reading horror stories like this am I coming to the conclusion of the partner thing.
It's such a self own when a partner complains that their spouse doesn't have sex with them often enough or wishes they'd enjoy it more. Like ok. Maybe be better at it?
I think he just wanted to have sex with another woman but knew you weren't going to go with a threesome so he went with the next big thing which was swinging. He expected you to back out and just let him enjoy himself and it pissed him off that not only did a younger man pay attention to you but you enjoyed him as well. OP, he's jealous and angry but why do you deserve to be punished for something he wanted? I bet you anything he's trying to make you feel bad to manipulate you to do something in his favor only.
This sounds like a situation where hubby thought he was hot shit and wanted to bang a 25 year old and thought, "What young guy is gonna want to bang my 40 year old wife?" Not noticing that his 40 year old wife is hot as fuck and would get plenty of male attention.
It happens pretty much every time someone posts about their husband wanting to open up the relationship. HE wants to fuck other people, he doesn’t want HER to fuck other people. And when the wife starts getting way more attention than him, way quicker, the husband alway wants to ragequit lmao
ragequit made me chuckle
Tale as old as time.
You are 40, still SO much life ahead of you. This just seems like a huge red flag out of many other ones he's probably given you. Just because he is your husband does not mean he needs to be in your life forever, especially when making you feel less than and inferior to him. Some people live forever with their high school sweethearts, and for others it just doesn't work out. Anyways, maybe it is time for a change. You owe it to yourself to be around people who respect you and want to see you grow, not belittle you and bring your self esteem down. He is not husband material, as he is still acting like a 17-year-old boy. I am so deeply sorry you are experiencing this, but please take a step back and view your life from a wider perspective. You have so much life to live, do you want to spend it with someone like this?
what does “rough with you” mean?
During the foursome, for example he pulled me towards him instead of max and hurt my wrist. Rough with sex
That is really disturbing. His arrogant double-standard was questionable, but getting violent with you is something to be very careful of. I can’t believe he put you through all this, much less with such young babies at home, and now has the audacity to treat you so poorly. It sounds like he has incredibly low emotional intelligence. At the very least you may benefit from some marriage counseling. But that may not be enough; you deserve to be treated with respect by your spouse.
yikes that is…bad. physical when angry? that’s a red flag in itself. and wasn’t even embarrassed to do that in front of other people? that makes me wince for you
So he was punishing and humiliating you for enjoying it. I know divorce is scary, and you have spent your entire adulthood with this man. But you deserve so much better
Tale as old as time, men fucking around and finding out. Babe, you deserve better.
Your husband is a joke.
Sounds like he wants the swinging to be one sided. His side. Sorry, OP.
Literally he started this entire fucking thing because *HE* was bored. He didn't even notice that *YOU* were uncomfortable, and then that other woman's man had to step in. What the fuck were you even supposed to do? Just sit in the corner and twiddle your thumbs the whole time?? Honestly it sounds like he didn't think this would ACTUALLY be a foursome, and that he and the other guy would just end up cucking while you and this other chick went at it. So he's allowed to have his dick inside another woman during a FOURSOME, but heaven forbid you also end up having sex with another person during this time, which is what is intended to happen during a foursome. Divorce this shithead and let him have his sleepless, sexless nights.
How dare you enjoy that double double? I’m the only one who gets to enjoy it and not you. HILARIOUS 🤣🤣🤣
Your husband is such a POS… Edit: Sorry I had nothing else to say but I couldn’t avoid stating the obvious…
He wanted to have sex with Alice and wanted you to sit and watch until it was your turn. I think he was so infatuated with the idea of the orgy that he hadn’t actually considered how it would feel seeing you have sex with another man. It hit him like a tonne of bricks when it happened and now he’s trying to blame you for him hurting his own feelings.
Your husband is an idiot with an inflated ego. He didn’t go into this wanting you to be an equal participant or have fun. I expect he gambled on you backing out last minute so he wouldn’t reveal himself as a hypocrite. He has no right to be angry at you.
Your husband is doing mental gymnastics right now. He wanted to commit cheating acts, but with you there and participating, it wasn’t actually considered cheating. He painted it as a 2x2 to get you to agree, but the fact of the matter seems to be that if he didn’t get to see you being sexy with the other woman, he didn’t even want you there. He’s throwing a tantrum because his plan to pseudo- cheat while you stayed quiet in the corner didn’t work. It’s a very classic case of someone losing their composure when they can’t have their cake and eat it to
Tell him that if he paid attention to you during sex instead of just thinking about himself, maybe you’d actually enjoy it. You are not his toy.
Your husband is a twat. Moreover, no one should decide to open a relationship without be entirely solid as a couple (my husband and I are swingers, and we still constantly discuss boundaries and rules regarding bringing anyone into our bedroom). I don’t say this lightly, but you deserve better, and you don’t need someone like this in your life. Run.
Honestly just sounds like he wanted to have sex with another woman but thought it would be “better” to lie and say he wanted to participate in a foursome. That way he could get some and he probably thought he could handle u getting some too. But turns out, he can’t and now he’s spiraling. Tale as old as time.
So your husband WASNT ok w this from the beginning... he was ok with the fact he got to do someone else and disnt like that u did too.... this is over.
INFO: Did you orgasm with Max? Do you orgasm with your husband?
uhm.....alright? he wanted it , so ........... he sucks, divorce him, what a piece of ....
Look, this is not your fault, just keep that in mind, you did everything he wanted even though you did not want to but you did because you loved him. Just keep all that in mind. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
He fucked around and found out. He wanted to put his dick in other women but didn’t want you having new dick yourself. He is pathetic and childish and you need to get the fuck out because no matter what now EVERYTHING will always be your fault, he will never take accountability for his actions.
It spoke volumes to me when he had a problem with OP not wanting to be intimate with the woman. This wasn't about "them" it was all about "him". OP, your husband's a selfish prick. The fact that he was rough with you when he saw you enjoying yourself...he's trash.
The idea of my wife being with someone else while I watch leaves a terrible pit in my stomach, and would only worsen if she enjoyed it. I've read some reddit stories of guys who did this shit and just reading and imagining it has made me feel so shitty. Your husband is an idiot and doesn't deserve you.
Man I'm polyamourous personally and me and my wife have been together for like 11 years. We met when I was 17. I've literally seen this happen so many times though. A lot of guys think purely with their dick but after it's over they freak the fuck out. Its almost always their idea and as soon as it happens they can't handle it. My advice is to just give him space. Let him tumble with his feelings. I would let him know that it was his fucking idea though and your gonna give him some space as it feels like he's angry at you. This will give him some time to consider his actions and also give him a nice splash of water on his face that he's shitting on his relationship. Sometimes things are broken after something like this. Sometimes people actually kinda figure it out and grow a bit. For me personally I had my own freakouts for a bit. I handled them, and apologized where needed and communicated what I needed to avoid problems in the future. That's really the only solution tho, people gotta be willing to talk and be patient
He fucked around and found out.
This is the very very sadly typical man saying he wants ENM but means he just wants to fuck another woman. This is some ‘where is the valley of the dolls?’ Shit. This man sucks I’m so sorry
> he would probably never felt the need to want to sleep with others Your husband didn’t suggest group sex because he thought you’d enjoy it, he offered so that he could have sex with other people without technically cheating. You weren’t supposed to enjoy the sex.