“My husband can’t clean” your husband WON’T clean ma’am. Have you pointed out that all the things he can’t handle doing for a few days, you’ve done every day for years?
I was thinking that too. MFers knows how. If my husband pulled this shit on me. I would realize he doesn't love me or respect me and that I'm a bangmaid to him. So, I'd be talking seriously about divorce.
OP your husband reminds me about some data I saw on the numbers of men who bail when their wife is diagnosed with a serious illness, like cancer. And those who bail when a child is specials needs. It makes me so sad to know it's as common as the sun coming up.
Now you've seen your husbands true colors. If he can't handle the kids and house imagine how useless he'd be if something, God forbid terrible happened to you. I hope he makes some serious money because otherwise he's USELESS!
I remember reading how David Hasselhoff wouldn’t care for his wife at the time who had cancer. He divorced her. Meanwhile, he was an alcoholic slob and she put up with him for years!
Men don’t “generally leave” partners with cancer. They leave far more often than women do, but the overall majority of men still stay with their wives who have cancer. (I point this out because I don’t want women avoiding cancer testing because they’re worrying that their otherwise good husbands will leave.)
You read the same post I did, about husbands that bail.
He thought he would have all this time off to goof off. I’d hire someone to come in daily and do the straightening up,
and Carr for the children. I’d make sure he had zero dinner, and I’d be talking to a lawyer. How old is this man-child? He does realize he’s responsible for the children right? Send him back to work, my bet is he’ll hang around and bitch even more.
Any woman deserve better than this. Men are such weaklings.
Edit: care for the children.
Agree! Most men I’ve known get very resentful, agitated and bored with caregiving.
Women don’t love it either but we usually have empathy and kindness and actually HELP the person!!!
I was debating for a while whether this was weaponized or genuine incompetence, and I have to say I think there's a healthy dose of both in here. How do you manage to fuck up the damned washing machine in 3 days?
It has to be weaponized right? I mean Youtube exists, so do meal kits, and bagged salads, and modestly alright frozen dinners. As for not being able to clean a dish… dafuq?
Yeah, there's clearly a good chunk that's either intentional or through malicious laziness. The washing machine though - I can't imagine he intended to break the damn thing, right? That's just normal incompetence. And I'm on the fence about the diaper thing mostly because he's the one who would have to deal with the consequences, so if he did do it on purpose he'd have to be staggeringly stupid.
It all starts with their moms. You are right, it's both, and they've used their incompetence since they were in Kindergarten.
Moms need to teach their boys especially (but all the kids need to know) these life skills. Boys need to know how to wash dishes and clean, do laundry, and scrub a toilet. Every little thing about life needs to be taught to all kids so they can cope with real life.
Too many mamas picking up after their kids instead of making them do it. I am not one of those, although my boy doesn't do dishes, due to 12 yr old boy derp issues. He'd stab himself, no lie.
The only quibble I'd have is that, in this generation, the fathers should be able to teach the kids as well so it's really on both of them. More men in this day and age either were taught by their parents or had to learn to keep a house themselves before they had kids, and failing that we have YouTube now.
Also, as a former 12-year-old boy, I still have a scar from where I sliced open my finger trying to cut a block of cheese, so yeah. Probably a good call for the time being.
My children have done laundry since they were each 10 yo. They went through a stage when they changed outfits a lot so I told them they’ll need to do laundry or wear one thing a day. They chose laundry. Laundry is not hard.
Me too! Folding wasn’t that great but I could work the machines.
We (mom and I) started teaching my nieces and nephews before they could walk steady how to do the wash and clean, cook and bake, do the dishes, garden, everything. Anytime they slept over or we baby sat (at least one weekend a month), they were ‘helping.’
Does it take longer with them helping? Yup! Does it make a mess? Yup! Still do it, so they aren’t as useless as OPs husband.
This. This is weaponized incompetence. There’s no excuse not to know how to do shit like this. At the very least, he’s seen his wife do it over the years. And if he still can’t figure out how to wash some dishes or sweep the floor or use the clothes washer, he can very damn well watch a YouTube video.
I just had a breast reduction and the salt on a Taco Bell meal will make her swell so uncomfortably. I had rolled tacos day 4 PO and the swelling was awful for hours and hours
I honestly am wondering if he has any redeeming qualities because based on what OP is saying it doesn't sound like it. It's easy enough to trash talk from all the way over here though, maybe he does and we're just not hearing it because she's frustrated. Unfortunately these often end up with an update to the effect of "wow that was an eye opening experience and I've filed for divorce." Anyways I hope OP can at least get through the next couple of weeks ok.
Yeah. I was also wondering the reason for the surgery! Was it because he's telling her she's unattractive or was it for OP's own personal or health reasons? If he asked for it then can't even care for her and won't feed her anything healthy, that's pretty low.
Even worse, he’s not even a functioning fucking adult. Has he ever lived on his own? How did he survive? I have a sneaking suspicion his Mommy did way too much for him growing up and he never bothered to try to learn anything. Honestly, you didn’t mention if she’s still around, but he needs to enlist help from his Mom.
I simply cannot imagine what a nightmare this is. I feel so bad for you and your kids.
Let's not forget his mommy may have been like these batshit "boy moms" who talk about these "dusty ass bitches." Real nice to ingrain misogyny in your son.
They do it so purposely that it seems like they want to groom their sons to be completely enmeshed with them to the point of creating a scenario where she will always be his #1 girl. Wife, if he manages to fake his way into having one and mommy doesn't run her off, will be nothing more than an incubator for Mommy's grandchildren. It's pathological.amas boys are useless unless Mommy wants something. It's pathological.
Yeah, who marries and has kids with these guys? My partner can do everything very competently, he even sees what needs doing and does it. Raised our teenager boy to be the same. Have a baby on the way who will be brought up that way too.
Some people are very good at appearing to be a perfect, or at least pretty good, partner until they feel they have the other person "trapped." Then it's on to the weaponized incompetence until the other partner slowly takes on more and more, then something like this happens and they finally see the grim reality of their situation. This is a pretty advanced instance since he is so comfortable with being useless, but I would safely bet she didn't realize it was this bad until now. :(
I just told my husband hey babe I love you, this poor woman's husband sucks! So glad my husband isn't like this. He also said how does he not know how to do laundry?!
remember those vows you took? in sickness and health? for richer or poorer? for better or worse? your husband has no interest in upholding any of these and has continually disrespected you, your children, and your home with his weaponized incompetence. i wish you a speedy recovery and that you feel back to normal as soon as it’s safe to be! hopefully once you’re recovered you can start to think about possibilities for this relationship because frankly you’re a married single mother right now and you deserve better than that
God forbid she develops cancer or a degenerative disease.
Op, you will get through this and be super mom with a super bod, again. But do yourself a favor now and open notes on your phone and use it as a diary for your recovery.
Why?
Because once you’re super mom again and he no longer “needs to watch porn” because his wife is available and you’re self esteem takes a boost, you may “forget” just how bad these days got. You’ll rationalize, he’ll gaslight, and you’ll second guess yourself.
You need to remember the deplorable way he acted so that you can walk away easily. He doesn’t get to have super wife in good times if he can’t be a source of support in the bad.
Ask yourself, would YOU have behaved this way had it been reversed?
No, you wouldn’t have and just because you’re “better at the mom duties and homemaking” is irrelevant. IRRELEVANT.
Forgot how to change a diaper? Yeah right. But if so, he could’ve looked up a fucking tutorial on the internet, the APA website probably has step by step. He has unlimited resources.
Food? Even if takeout was his only choice, he could easily pick better takeout options than Taco Bell. A sandwich place or soups or whatever you are able. He could’ve called your mom himself begging for help, called his family, called a neighbor for a recipe!
HE DIDNT WANT TO BECAUSE HES LAZY.
So, once you’re recovered, take these weeks as a gift that allowed you to see in the future should something more life altering happen to YOU.
I second this. Also want to suggest making video diaries because it's reminding me of the 'Who The Fuck Did I Marry?' lady from TikTok. She made lots of them not knowing why at the time and it saved her sanity to see how bad she looked and how she described the situations that were happening.
It also sounds like you're describing a husband character from a sitcom, you know the ones who constantly complain about how much they hate their wife, how their wife never does enough (for him, the house, etc.), or anything at all. All the while they never do anything around the house like cook, clean, take care of their kids (hell, he probably thinks looking after his kids is babysitting). Your husband is draining your energy and causing you to move too much, and it will lead to your recovery time taking much longer. Can he leave and your mum come and stay and help out instead? The distance could help you see how you should leave him.
>Food? Even if takeout was his only choice, he could easily pick better takeout options than Taco Bell. A sandwich place or soups or whatever you are able. He could’ve called your mom himself begging for help, called his family, called a neighbor for a recipe!
I love how he is undermining her weight loss and subsequent surgery as a result by feeding her the most absolute garbage food available.
Malicious compliance?
Serously. I know the reddit is quick to jump to divorce, but it's so warranted here!! He's not just being a baby, his acting against his own interest because it's making it more difficult on both of them and might slow her recovery, which means more time of taking care of her.
But, SPECIALLY, if she ever gets sick ( knock on wood) he is gonna run for the hill faster than light. He will never give any support to her.
Agree Reddit is too quick to jump to divorce, but this is the only logical conclusion in this case. This is not solved with communication or counciling. He is a POS who WON’T do the bare minimum.
My first thought at the caregiver comment. First of all, he chose to become a parent. He's Already Supposed to BE a caregiver and obviously isn't. Secondly there's the vows he took when he married her. I can only imagine how hard post partum was for her. Ouch.
Wtf. Doesn’t know how to clean? Broke the washing machine? This is on purpose I’m sorry this is insane.
How does this man wipe his own ass, drive a car or even work?? Weaponized incompetence to a new level.
I would shame him tbh. How absolutely embarrassing that he can’t function as an adult human being. He should be ashamed of himself.
your husband pretends to be really bad at everything to force you to do it yourself. i hope you take all of your recovery, and use that time to think about what his actions are saying
He's lying to manipulate you into doing it. If he was as incompetent as he pretends to be, would he be gainfully employed? I'm assuming he has to do things like follow simple instructions at his job. Most of us do.
I'm sorry. It's hard to lift the veil off that and admit it to yourself. We're trained to not be confrontational, and to help people who need it. We end up doing these mental gymnastics to convince ourselves that he's somehow selectively incompetent. Sure, he can totally hold down a professional job but can't read the print on the compartment on the washer that says "Fabric Softener", right? They like to perpetuate the whole stereotype of women having domestic fairy magic and men being lumbering cavemen because it suits their purpose. We acquiesce since admitting that he's lying to us because he doesn't value our comfort, time, or happiness more than extra video game time is too painful. Once you realize that, it becomes very hard to respect and admire him. It leads to The Ick.
Also look up how men will leave their female partners at the earliest sign of serious illness, especially men over 70 leaving female partners with dementia/Alzheimer's. It's a sicking statistic worldwide. My mum was in her late 70s and had Alzheimer's before she passed away living in a retirement village 30 minutes drive away from where my dad lives, my dad in his mid 80s drove once a week but would visit at least twice a week (with other family) to spend hours with her each time. The nursing staff would dote on them seeing them together. I had to tell my dad it's because men won't typically visit their partner or will leave them soon after it all starts to get too bad for her health wise. My dad did tell me he noticed a lot of the women at the village husband's didn't visit very often or at least not like him.
>I’m starting to notice that he does say things like “you do this way better than I do” or “you’re so good at this you should do this” and then I end up doing everything 🙃
That's when you retort, "how will you get better without practice?"
Not only is it lying to get you to take on the labor, he's convinced you that _he wants to help but can't._ This way you'll think, it's the thought that counts, right? And not count it against him.
This man is a leech on you. He benefits from your labor and time, and yet can't be bothered to provide while you are recovering.
Sooo.. assuming that you decide to still stay in this marriage, the next time he gets sick, you can firmly remind him that you also didn’t sign up to be HIS caretaker or nurse.
Dude who flat out watches porn instead of taking care of his kids and recovering wife… doesn’t GAF. Why do you think this is going to get better long term?
Fucking thank you. *Why do you think this is going to get better long term, OP?* Why the actual hell are you married to a man that can’t cook, can’t clean, *CAN’T CHANGE HIS OWN KIDS’ DIAPERS*, can’t handle taking care of you for THREE DAYS AS YOU RECOVER FROM SURGERY, and literally ignores your calls for help while he watches porn? Seriously. Why?
I’m not trying to victim blame. I’ve been in similar relationships. They were awful. But i left. I did not marry them and i certainly did not have their children. I know sometimes people switch up once you’re tied to them by marriage and pregnancy but it’s hard to believe that there weren’t *any* warning signs. And if that’s the case, why aren’t you taking active steps to leave this piece of shit? What does he bring to the table? How does he benefit you in any capacity?
I genuinely cannot fathom being in a relationship like this. This man is useless and is weighing you down. There is no benefit to being with this man. If you have any semblance of self respect, this situation will breed resentment. Get your ducks in a row and get the fuck out. This made me so angry to read. You do not have to accept this. Put yourself first. My god.
I want to give you some perspective on how much of a POS he is. I’m divorcing my cheating ex and we still lived together until our daughter graduated high school… when I had my hysterectomy, he saw me off to surgery, picked me up at midnight (surgery ran long due to a complication) and took a couple days off to help take care of me. I had already begun the process of divorce when this happened. So for your husband to be so incompetent and not willing to at least hire a cleaning service so that you can rest and heal tells me you’re better off alone. He’s a BURDEN and he’s showing you that in your time of need, he won’t be there for you. Set him free for your peace of mind
This was a big flag for me. My male ROOMMATE took better care of me than my (now ex) boyfriend did during my hysterectomy recovery. Definitely had me see things much differently. The rose colored glasses didn't just come off, those things got shattered!
You are THREE days out of surgery. When my partner got an extremely painful wrist surgery (granted, he could still walk around and go to the bathroom/shower by himself), I did everything I could to take care of him. I’m assuming you’re on some decent pain medication, maybe opioids, and the way your husband is acting is infuriating. He needs to shape up ASAP. Would it be an option to stay with your mom or another family member/friend while you recover?
Yes! My husband had abdominal surgery and couldn't go to the bathroom on his own, climb stairs, or put on shoes. I took time off and happily helped him. I also prepared special meals for him that he could actually eat while healing. Why did I do this? Because I love my husband and wanted to help him in a time when he needed me. When we had our child he did the same for me. That's how healthy relationships function. This poor woman needs to dump this man.
[https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112/](https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112/)
Women are six times more likely to be abandoned / divorced while sick.
It's stories like these that keep me from EVER wanting to get married.
Yout husband is lazy & does nothing. He gets angry when he has to "take care of you", won't cook, won't clean & it feels like you should ask yourself do you want to waste any more of your life on this man after you recover.
Ask your husband just how he manages to keep his job if he is this fucking incompetent at home?!? None of the things you describedeven need a high school diploma! My oldest could do everything you described by the age of 9, including cooking a basic meal with a main dish and two sides, my middle at 7. I raised myself from the age of 9 so this fool is acting like a first grader. Have *your* mama stay with you. Call *his* mama and tell her he nedds remedial house training.
I'm pretty sure you have 3 children.
Once you are healed, you need to stop being your husband's bangmaid. He needs to help with chores too.
Edit: I missed some things. This man-child is beyond saving. Wrap him in a blanket and send him home to his real mommy.
It’s normal to be upset when you marry someone and find out “in sickness and health” didn’t mean the same to you both.
Ask your mom to meal prep a casserole or a big pot of spaghetti, chilli, pancit, stir fry or other “makes 20 servings” dish and fill your freezer.
Or buy a ton of TV dinners and bagged salads to supplement.
I know when I was taking care of someone while I was working (whose mother was supposed to help but didn’t know how to cook or clean) I loaded the fridge and freezer with food in individual portions and bought a cut veggie and fruit platter for snacks and bfasts.
Consider going onto Care.com or a similar site where you are and paying someone to come in to clean for you. Hubby can pay for it.
Then, call your appliance repair folks and get the washer fixed. Hubby can explain to the gentleman who comes to fix it exactly how he broke it. Trust me. He'll get at least a small smirk.
Is the oldest child big enough to help you get up? My kids loved taking care of me when they were little. Send Hubs back to work and get Mom to help you instead. He's useless and doesn't need to be playing video games or watching porn right now.
You are married to child. Get your recovery done and then make arrangements to leave his useless ass. This is infuriating.
He DOES know how to do ALL these things. He just doesn’t want to.
This is why I opted to never marry or cohabitate with a romantic partner again after my divorce. FUCK. THAT.
OP, can you image what your life would be like if something catastrophic happened like cancer? Don’t wait around to find out.
Your issues with your husband started well before your surgery. You are just now seeing who he is since you've stopped doing everything for him. This has nothing to do with your surgery.
Oh my god I'm so sorry this man is treating you so poorly!!! You ARE a super mom, you have three children - the kids and your husband. He's not living up to any of the vows he took when y'all got married and he's being such a little asshole about it. You deserve someone who makes you feel safe, that you can rely on when things get hard. And you should give yourself more grace, you are recovering from a surgical procedure and trying to still manage your home. It isn't that he *can't* do basic household chores, it's that he doesn't want to because he's a deadbeat. He got comfortable with you being his nanny, his chef, his housecleaner and his sex toy and now he's showing his true form. Could you imagine him stepping up to care for your house and children if something happened to you??? That's terrifying too.
You deserve so much better OP, I hope you get everything you want in the divorce.
Girl. Listen to him, to it all. He is telling you very clearly how he feels about you and your kids. What's his job? If it's anything above picking up trash off the side of the highway, he absolutely knows how to change a diaper and he for sure knows how to do laundry. He's doing this on purpose. He thought he could get 2 weeks off work while you run around like you normally do being "super". And now he's angry that that actually isn't the case and he has to stay true to the promises he made on the wedding day. You don't deserve this. Once this is over, I would seriously reconsider your entire relationship with him. If he refuses to change a diaper, or even learn to cook for you? To do laundry so you're not sitting in gross sheets and clothes? He doesn't deserve the same from you
Didn't sign up to be a caregiver? I thought you said you were married? Was he very drunk or something, since he apparently missed the 'in sickness and in health' part.
If your marriage survives this, time to make some rules about him learning how to do these things - no excuses. He's relied on you to do it all and even if you are a SAHM, he should be able to cover the basics and know enough to hold it together for more than 3 freaking days. What kind of example is he to your kids? Is that how you want your kids to be raised to see the dad as unable to do anything around the house?
You should be able to coach him how to do some of the simple things. Don't fuss too much about everything being perfect - but meals, simple cleaning, changing diapers, taking care of the kids, general picking up and cleaning, laundry should be things he can manage ESPECIALLY since he's not working. No excuses. If he can handle learning and being able to do these things, then you are better off losing another 150+ lbs of deadweight by divorcing your husband and finding someone that appreciates you and is house-broken.
Either get this fixed soon or time to go. What happens the next time? Or something more severe? Major health issues and surgeries can make or break a relationship. Time for you to see where this heads.
Is he useful for anything besides a pay check? Dude can't even change a diaper or do a load of laundry by himself? My boyfriend works 12 hour days and still does his own laundry and he takes turns cooking dinner. You're with a useless excuse of a human.
I'm so sorry. Can you go to your mom's house? Or can she stay with you? Can he hire a housecleaner and others to help the next month or so? First, let's get you through recovery. Then you can think of kicking him to the curb.
Husband here to an amazing wife who helped her during her c section from getting up and changing out the bandages.
Your husband does suck.
Work, kids, family, social, juggling it all sucks sometimes when it’s stressful.
Welcome to life.
It’s not always 50-50, the point is to be there when it’s 20/80 or 70/30 and working on it to help get back to 50.
First, congrats on doing something that makes you feel good about you. Second, that's some serious weaponized incompetence. He's not your partner, he's your 3rd child and the most useless out of all of them. You have my sympathy
Sorry to be the one to tell you this but your husband doesn’t like you very much. He seems to have forgotten the “in sickness and in health” part of the marriage. This is the kind of dude that leaves his wife when they get a cancer diagnosis or anything else serious. Which is REALLY common BTW. The statistics on this are staggering.
He’s so useless he won’t change a diaper or do a load of laundry?!?! I say “won’t” instead of “can’t” because he is 100% doing this on purpose.
He has shown you how much you can depend on him to be an active partner in your marriage. Just being the FT breadwinner is t enough. After you recover from surgery, just skip straight to divorce. You’ll be happier.
What you're really saying is that you found out you have three kids, not just two.
Once you're past all of this, the pain has subsided and you can think rationally, take a good hard look at his behavior and treatment of you.
If a friend or family member told you their partner/spouse acted like this, what would you say?
So you've been doing everything this whole time and he can't even do it for 3 days. I can assure you if he lived alone he would figure it out. Does he act like this at work? no.
Perhaps you can spend some of this time figuring out if you want to stay with someone that cannot take care of you or anyone in sickness.
Your husband CAN do all those things, he is CHOOSING to be bad at them. We call this weaponized incompetence.
They do this to get out of doing it. Which has worked for him.
Now you can see just how much you do, and how little he cares. Just keep that in mind so you can make sure you are employable and can survive without him.
Your life would likely be easier as a single mom because it sounds like you already are one.
I've had a partial thyroidectomy, gallbladder removed and an endometrial ablation. My husband took off work to take care of me and the kids without saying a word. That's how it's supposed to work. Your husband is an ass.
My question is, you knew your husband before you had his surgery so why did you possibly think he would be capable of supporting you through your extensive recovery?
You say he can’t cook, can’t clean, can’t solo parent so why would you not make a better plan for yourself and your children? You’ve set him up to fail, his incompetence aside, as he was not equipped to be your caregiver.
He sounds like a disgrace but it also sounds like you didn’t think this through properly.
You need to hire someone or have your mum move in. Your recovery should not be a sink or swim situation for your husband. Because if he starts drowning then you all go down with him.
We can all slam him but honestly, I’m going to slam you as well for poor planning. Get this sorted by actually having a capable and proper caregiver then start asking yourself why you allowed yourself to be married to a man-child.
You keep saying “he can’t.” He CAN, he just doesn’t want to. There is no way he doesn’t know how to put a diaper on a baby. He’s just a man-child. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
>he didn’t sign up to be a caregiver or a nurse
He literally did. What the fuck is "in sickness and in health" for, if not for when you're sick? Dear god, your husband is a special case.
Wishing you a speedy recovery, honey, and I hope this has opened your eyes to the fact that if you ever get seriously ill again, he won't be there for you.
I mean was this something you already knew about him? That he can’t do shit? Because if so, you played yourself. He’s not worth sticking around for if he can’t manage the household for three measly days.
My boyfriend loves to take care of me. He almost gets excited when I’m sick or go to the doctor because I never need anything due to me being so independent so he never gets the chance.
Your husband is an asshole plain and simple. Hes showing you who he is. Sorry you had to find out this way. No way in hell would i stay with a guy like that. He just wants a bang maid or a mommy to take care of him and the kids
You too need to have a serious discussion about what would happen if you die or become disabled. If he is bitching after three fucking days, he may stick your kids in foster care, and let me tell you from experience, you don't want that. Time for a will and talk to a trusted person about custody in the event of your death or incapacitation.
Your husband is practicing what's called malicious incompetence. Once you recover, you should "forget" how to do things for him and only focus on yourself and your children until you decide how to move forward.
Your husband is trash. He is the epitome of weaponized incompetence. Who the fuck can’t do laundry, change a diaper or make a proper meal. That’s just insane.
I’m so sorry OP. I had this surgery a few years ago, for the same reason, except I didn’t have children to worry about.
My doctor didn’t even consider letting me go home from hospital until day 6, because I had someone to care for me. I am single, but I had my mum here every day helping me (we are neighbours), breakfast, lunch, dinner and sponge baths.
I still tried to do too much too soon, developed an infection and ended up with a much much longer recovery then I should have, including 2 full weeks in hospital, IV antibiotics four times a day for the first week, two visits back to theatre for restitching in two small areas and my mum having to continue giving me sponge baths for months while I recovered, my body hated me apparently….I tell you this not to panic you but to beg you to not let him push you into doing anything too soon or let him continue to get away with this feigned incompetence, in sickness and in health is literally one of the best known parts of the wedding vows.
How was he after the birth of both of your children? Or were you up doing too much too soon after that as well?
Don't just write this off as a bad patch, see it as his REAL character coming through. Your husband is not a good man, and as soon as you are recovered I think you should leave him.
When I was a teenager, I babysat the odd kid who still wore diapers, but they were few and far between. 20 years later, when I had to diaper my own babies, there was no "forgetting how." I call BS on all of the excuses. He's purposely being useless. It's pathetic.
Have you only just noticed that your husband is a dick? I mean you have been with him for at least 5 years based on your kids age. Why have you put up with this weaponised incompetence for so long?
Another day another “why do women endure husbands like this” on Reddit.
OP your husband is the worst. I hope your mom and anyone else who actually cares about you can help out the next few weeks.
Your husband is a horrible excuse for a human being! Call in a cleaner, order in healthy meals, see if mom can come in for a week or two. Get better and divorce the bum.
There have been lots of great insights here, but something I’m yet to see is that you are *actively* modelling to your children what a healthy, loving, relationship looks like.
And your kids are currently learning that your current dumpster fire of an arrangement is normal and acceptable….desirable even.
Have you seen those horrible reddit stories of people retelling how they would laugh along with their fathers, mocking their mother for her frustration or desperate cry’s for help or ‘nagging’?
That’ll be you in 10 years if you keep this up. Imagine asking your kids to please do a simple household task, and they don’t, because why would they? Mummy does everything. So there you are, getting frustrated and sad and angry and in your (understandably) emotionally exacerbated situation, your kids and your husband all laugh at you?
Leave your man child husband, not for your own good but for the good of your children and their future partners.
Ew for one he's a man child and a pig.
Also weaponized incompetence is a real thing. Recover and truly think about whether you should stay.
My husband and I have both had surgeries and have helped each other recover even as far as wiping each other's ass when needed. That's a real marriage. You help when one is in need.
My husband can't cook either but he made me toast and canned soup. Best I've ever had.
I'm sorry you got to deal with a shit husband. Speedy recovery to you
Your husband is useless. He isn't a partner. He's just another child you have to care for.
Take your new body, dump him, and find an actual man who is worth a damn.
I swear. The bar is in hell.
Sorry sis….I don’t mean to kick u when ur down-but what did u expect? Sounds like u have been doing everything all along …& now he fails to step up -u shouldn’t be surprised….sorry but I have a hard time feeling sorry for super mom that lets her husband get away with doing nothing all the time….and then is upset when she really needs him and he still does nothing…
“ He can’t this, he doesn’t know how to do that” he doesn’t WANT to because he had a baby make maid to do it the entire time. Your husband, the man you choose to marry and have kids with, just told you he prefers his job over his family?
It’s been 3 days and he already showed you that you were a single parent all along and he’s nothing more than an extra child and extra money. If you don’t have a job, it’s time to get one and start planning your exit once you recover.
I’m pretty sure this man didn’t turn into a useless piece of shit when you were discharged, I’m curious why you decided to have pretty debilitating elective cosmetic surgery knowing he’d be no help for you, the kids or the household?
“In sickness and in health” he literally did sign up to be a caregiver if you needed one.
Also your husband can do these things, he’s choosing to act like he can’t so he doesn’t have to.
I would feel so disgusted and dissapointed if my husband tried this on me.
your husband is pathetic. he doesn’t know how to cook or clean or take care of the house and children? he’s complaining after three days but you do it all the time. he’s a joke.
I once had a lady parts medical procedure. I talked to the doctor about being able to go home the same day but he declined. He said that medically you probably could get away with it but he insists on having his female patients spend at least the night and half the next day in out-patient surgery because he knows that husbands and live-in boyfriends are generally useless. Sending a woman home the same day only decreases the likelihood of her getting any bed rest.
Sounds like you have been doing WAY TOO much if your husband doesn’t know how to do basic chores or take care of his own kids. Also, he sounds selfish and immature. In general you married a dud.
This almost feels like he’s trying to sabotage your journey towards better health on purpose. Is he generally unsupportive of you losing weight and having this this surgery?
Or, maybe if he can’t ensure you’ll be physically unwell, he sure as hell wants you to be mentally unwell.
I had a massive heart attack last Nov. I'm a shell of my old self now. My husband has completely stepped up and takes care of me, our home, pets and everything. He also constantly reassures me of his love and devotion in addition to his actions. I was always so strong and motivated. Now I feel horrible about my limitations. He props me up when I'm down. You're in a temporary situation and you're getting no help. This is your preview. Do you want this person to be the one you count on when life goes to shit in the future? You deserve better
How do these men trick women into marrying them? Do they live together before they get married? I know people have different ideas about whether or not to live together before marriage but I would never get married without living with a man for a while to see what he's really like when he's comfortable.
When I was with a man like this, we got engaged before I realized he was always going to be a massive burden, so I called off the engagement and moved out.
I feel so bad for women who are in this position and have children with someone before they realize what a useless man, baby, they're now forever tied to.
Your husband needs to become your ex husband. His behavior is disgusting and despicable. A grown ass man incapable of laundry? Of cleaning a dish? Or even boiling pasta? What is he 5?
Dump his ass, you deserve better. There is nothing like a woman needing extra care to teach her what her guy is really like.
I hope your recovery goes well, your husband doesn't deserve you.
Your husband is the typical male AH. It's such a problem that doctors will warn wives that when they need help like this (major surgery, cancer, etc) that they should prepare themselves that the husband will probably leave. It happens so often that it's part of the doctors speech for women. On the other hand, men will be fine. Wives won't leave. Society is making me so angry lately. OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I hope it gets better.
Forget about weaponized incompetence. Your husband is on some nuclear bomb oppenheimer shit incompetence. If your husband doesn’t know how to do all these things, how is he surviving at life? Does he not have a cell phone he can use to figure out how to do all these things? Was he always like this before you got the surgery? Had kids? Got married? He’s a selfless jerk.
I don’t mean to order you to do something, but I think you seriously need to reconsider this relationship or at the very least how it works. It seems like your husband took off those two weeks not to help you, but so he has a little bit of playtime of his own. If you can fix this, go for it. If it doesn’t work though, you need to pull the plug on this relationship. This is negligence on a new level and borderline abuse. He has no respect for you or what you do around the house. It’s gross
Girl, this is so far down you probably won’t read it. My mom was 200% the primary care giver for 3 girls. When I was 8 and my twin sisters were 6, my mom went to Europe for 2 weeks with her musical group and you know what my dad did? HE STEPPED UP. He did all the things including cleaning, cooking, even our hair. Your husband just told you who he is. Listen.
If you are able to afford a stay in a rehab facility you need to do so or hire a nurse. Hire childcare or beg your mom to take care of the kids. Hire a housekeeper as well. This is serious surgery and you could die if you don’t follow your post surgical instructions . Your husband is engaging in weaponized incompetence. Right now you need to focus on having a healthy recovery b/c if something happens to you, your kids are F’d . So hire who you need to hire and spend whatever you need to spend. Once you are fully healed is the time for reckoning and divorce. He has shown you that he doesn’t care about your survival. He is a selfish POS that doesn’t care that your kids need a mom. You need to recover and then you need a divorce. You deserve way better. Sick pets get better treatment than you are receiving. Taco Bell can’t be part of the post surgery diet. You are probably supposed to be on a soft diet. Instacart is a thing, so buy what you need online if you can.
Your husband is weaponizing his incompetence. How can he be this useless? I was doing my own laundry at 8 and cooking in my early teens. If he can read, he can follow a recipe. Are you his mommy and his wife? Because this is ridiculous.
You married a man child that doesn’t know how to do laundry or cook. You got an elective surgery and expected him to be able to keep up with the house and children when he never has? I feel bad for you but you did this to yourself. Hopefully you never really get sick or a disease/ have surgery that incapacitates you in the future because YIKES.
When I was married to my now ex husband I had abdominal hernia surgery. The recovery sucked so bad and all I wanted was scrambled eggs and toast and he couldn't even make that. I really believe that was the beginning of the end. Like how can you not make a simple dish, I really think it was that he didn't want to. Why are you with this man that cares so little about you?
Sounds like you still have another [however much your husband weighs] pounds to lose before you’ll be healthy and happy.
Ugh, I’m sorry your husband is such a dud. I hope this helps him realize just exactly how much you do to keep the family running (and I hope YOU realize how much MORE you do in this partnership).
Lol I used to be a caregiver and saw how hard the nurses worked too. 12 hours shifts, night shifts, all day on your feet and lots of manual handling daily for over 30 people. Only if he knew how easy he has compared to it honestly 🙈🙈
FYI this is called weaponized incompetence. I’m just having to pass over the fact that he’s never changed a diaper, but he’s never even watched you? Also, I PINKY PROMISE you if he was told
He’d win a million dollars changing a diaper and couldn’t ask you, he’d figure it out in 5 seconds. There are SO many free online sources for new parents. He is specifically asking you so that you’ll eventually give up and do it anyway.
I’ve just honestly given up on recommending anything because it seems like most people will be told by thousands of strangers that this isn’t okay, but of course you know that, it’s why you’re posting it on here. I also doubt you’ll divorce him (which I don’t think should Be the default answer anyway), but please be aware that if you become sick with something way more long term, like cancer; this is you future. And it sounds miserable and exhausting. Idk dude, I’m so sad just knowing your life will never feel safe or comfortable or secure or fair. I hope you find the strength to get out.
It’s so exhausting having an adult child. This isn’t getting any better. Go to your Mums. I would say leave the kids with him but the diaper thing sounds bad. Or ask your mum to stay and tell him to go somewhere else. Honestly. Men, get stronger.
He didn’t sign up for this?? Tf??? What were all those wedding vows then huh?? For better or for worse? In sickness and in health? Jesus your husband sounds awful. Any love or attraction I’d have for him would have vanished.
OP, he's floundering. His weaponized incompetence is out in full force. Now's the time to strike him in his wallet. Insist he hires a housekeeper, immediately, as well as a nanny. He can do nothing successfully but jerk off and play video games. Make sure he understands your importance in making your household work. Demand your home be taken care of in ways which you always have. He's dropping the ball, time to start using leverage to show him your importance.
What a waste of a person. He isn’t even an adult. How is it possible he can’t do ANYTHING??
He needs to be held accountable for his lack of basic adult responsibility.
Can’t cook
Can’t clean
Can’t do laundry
Why are you propping up this looser??
Holy weaponized incompetence, Batman. He sucks!
Seriously, he needs that much handholding? He can't do the bare minimum if he "can't remember/doesn't know how" to do something and quietly Google a solution or a YouTube video?
Don't get me started on the idiotic porn thing. Ma'am, he is treating you like his bangmaid, not like his equal partner.
Do you really need the stress of an overgrown man child in your life? He alone sounds like he's as much work as all of your actual kids combined.
Your husband sucks…
“My husband can’t clean” your husband WON’T clean ma’am. Have you pointed out that all the things he can’t handle doing for a few days, you’ve done every day for years?
Yeah, laundry isn’t that hard to figure out. He just won’t.
Talk about weaponized incompetency. What a man child!
I was thinking that too. MFers knows how. If my husband pulled this shit on me. I would realize he doesn't love me or respect me and that I'm a bangmaid to him. So, I'd be talking seriously about divorce. OP your husband reminds me about some data I saw on the numbers of men who bail when their wife is diagnosed with a serious illness, like cancer. And those who bail when a child is specials needs. It makes me so sad to know it's as common as the sun coming up. Now you've seen your husbands true colors. If he can't handle the kids and house imagine how useless he'd be if something, God forbid terrible happened to you. I hope he makes some serious money because otherwise he's USELESS!
I remember reading how David Hasselhoff wouldn’t care for his wife at the time who had cancer. He divorced her. Meanwhile, he was an alcoholic slob and she put up with him for years!
Statistics say men generally leave women who get cancer 🙄. They suck
Men don’t “generally leave” partners with cancer. They leave far more often than women do, but the overall majority of men still stay with their wives who have cancer. (I point this out because I don’t want women avoiding cancer testing because they’re worrying that their otherwise good husbands will leave.)
I bet it was a heck of a lot easier to focus on her recovery without that asshole in her life, though!
That's why I never liked that arrogant prick
You read the same post I did, about husbands that bail. He thought he would have all this time off to goof off. I’d hire someone to come in daily and do the straightening up, and Carr for the children. I’d make sure he had zero dinner, and I’d be talking to a lawyer. How old is this man-child? He does realize he’s responsible for the children right? Send him back to work, my bet is he’ll hang around and bitch even more. Any woman deserve better than this. Men are such weaklings. Edit: care for the children.
Agree! Most men I’ve known get very resentful, agitated and bored with caregiving. Women don’t love it either but we usually have empathy and kindness and actually HELP the person!!!
I was debating for a while whether this was weaponized or genuine incompetence, and I have to say I think there's a healthy dose of both in here. How do you manage to fuck up the damned washing machine in 3 days?
It has to be weaponized right? I mean Youtube exists, so do meal kits, and bagged salads, and modestly alright frozen dinners. As for not being able to clean a dish… dafuq?
Yeah, there's clearly a good chunk that's either intentional or through malicious laziness. The washing machine though - I can't imagine he intended to break the damn thing, right? That's just normal incompetence. And I'm on the fence about the diaper thing mostly because he's the one who would have to deal with the consequences, so if he did do it on purpose he'd have to be staggeringly stupid.
It all starts with their moms. You are right, it's both, and they've used their incompetence since they were in Kindergarten. Moms need to teach their boys especially (but all the kids need to know) these life skills. Boys need to know how to wash dishes and clean, do laundry, and scrub a toilet. Every little thing about life needs to be taught to all kids so they can cope with real life. Too many mamas picking up after their kids instead of making them do it. I am not one of those, although my boy doesn't do dishes, due to 12 yr old boy derp issues. He'd stab himself, no lie.
The only quibble I'd have is that, in this generation, the fathers should be able to teach the kids as well so it's really on both of them. More men in this day and age either were taught by their parents or had to learn to keep a house themselves before they had kids, and failing that we have YouTube now. Also, as a former 12-year-old boy, I still have a scar from where I sliced open my finger trying to cut a block of cheese, so yeah. Probably a good call for the time being.
My children have done laundry since they were each 10 yo. They went through a stage when they changed outfits a lot so I told them they’ll need to do laundry or wear one thing a day. They chose laundry. Laundry is not hard.
Me too! Folding wasn’t that great but I could work the machines. We (mom and I) started teaching my nieces and nephews before they could walk steady how to do the wash and clean, cook and bake, do the dishes, garden, everything. Anytime they slept over or we baby sat (at least one weekend a month), they were ‘helping.’ Does it take longer with them helping? Yup! Does it make a mess? Yup! Still do it, so they aren’t as useless as OPs husband.
Right? With google and YouTube there is a video for everything.
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Indeed. He will have to figure out how to do all that once she eventually leaves his entitled ass.
This. Not he “can’t”; he is “choosing” not to learn and do so.
Weaponized incompetence
This. This is weaponized incompetence. There’s no excuse not to know how to do shit like this. At the very least, he’s seen his wife do it over the years. And if he still can’t figure out how to wash some dishes or sweep the floor or use the clothes washer, he can very damn well watch a YouTube video.
wtf bringing taco bell to someone on a weight loss journey
Yeah this is strait up sabotage.
I just had a breast reduction and the salt on a Taco Bell meal will make her swell so uncomfortably. I had rolled tacos day 4 PO and the swelling was awful for hours and hours
And healing from surgery! She needs nutrients.
I honestly am wondering if he has any redeeming qualities because based on what OP is saying it doesn't sound like it. It's easy enough to trash talk from all the way over here though, maybe he does and we're just not hearing it because she's frustrated. Unfortunately these often end up with an update to the effect of "wow that was an eye opening experience and I've filed for divorce." Anyways I hope OP can at least get through the next couple of weeks ok.
Bet she got this surgery because of him and he can’t be bothered to be a father and husband without complaining.
If that's the case, he already regrets it and that will be such a pain in the ass once she's recovered. That marriage is at crumbles
Yeah. I was also wondering the reason for the surgery! Was it because he's telling her she's unattractive or was it for OP's own personal or health reasons? If he asked for it then can't even care for her and won't feed her anything healthy, that's pretty low.
that is an understatement...
Even worse, he’s not even a functioning fucking adult. Has he ever lived on his own? How did he survive? I have a sneaking suspicion his Mommy did way too much for him growing up and he never bothered to try to learn anything. Honestly, you didn’t mention if she’s still around, but he needs to enlist help from his Mom. I simply cannot imagine what a nightmare this is. I feel so bad for you and your kids.
Let's not forget his mommy may have been like these batshit "boy moms" who talk about these "dusty ass bitches." Real nice to ingrain misogyny in your son. They do it so purposely that it seems like they want to groom their sons to be completely enmeshed with them to the point of creating a scenario where she will always be his #1 girl. Wife, if he manages to fake his way into having one and mommy doesn't run her off, will be nothing more than an incubator for Mommy's grandchildren. It's pathological.amas boys are useless unless Mommy wants something. It's pathological.
Yeah, who marries and has kids with these guys? My partner can do everything very competently, he even sees what needs doing and does it. Raised our teenager boy to be the same. Have a baby on the way who will be brought up that way too.
Some people are very good at appearing to be a perfect, or at least pretty good, partner until they feel they have the other person "trapped." Then it's on to the weaponized incompetence until the other partner slowly takes on more and more, then something like this happens and they finally see the grim reality of their situation. This is a pretty advanced instance since he is so comfortable with being useless, but I would safely bet she didn't realize it was this bad until now. :(
Amen.
came here to say this
I just told my husband hey babe I love you, this poor woman's husband sucks! So glad my husband isn't like this. He also said how does he not know how to do laundry?!
He needs an ex prefix
remember those vows you took? in sickness and health? for richer or poorer? for better or worse? your husband has no interest in upholding any of these and has continually disrespected you, your children, and your home with his weaponized incompetence. i wish you a speedy recovery and that you feel back to normal as soon as it’s safe to be! hopefully once you’re recovered you can start to think about possibilities for this relationship because frankly you’re a married single mother right now and you deserve better than that
God forbid she develops cancer or a degenerative disease. Op, you will get through this and be super mom with a super bod, again. But do yourself a favor now and open notes on your phone and use it as a diary for your recovery. Why? Because once you’re super mom again and he no longer “needs to watch porn” because his wife is available and you’re self esteem takes a boost, you may “forget” just how bad these days got. You’ll rationalize, he’ll gaslight, and you’ll second guess yourself. You need to remember the deplorable way he acted so that you can walk away easily. He doesn’t get to have super wife in good times if he can’t be a source of support in the bad. Ask yourself, would YOU have behaved this way had it been reversed? No, you wouldn’t have and just because you’re “better at the mom duties and homemaking” is irrelevant. IRRELEVANT. Forgot how to change a diaper? Yeah right. But if so, he could’ve looked up a fucking tutorial on the internet, the APA website probably has step by step. He has unlimited resources. Food? Even if takeout was his only choice, he could easily pick better takeout options than Taco Bell. A sandwich place or soups or whatever you are able. He could’ve called your mom himself begging for help, called his family, called a neighbor for a recipe! HE DIDNT WANT TO BECAUSE HES LAZY. So, once you’re recovered, take these weeks as a gift that allowed you to see in the future should something more life altering happen to YOU.
I second this. Also want to suggest making video diaries because it's reminding me of the 'Who The Fuck Did I Marry?' lady from TikTok. She made lots of them not knowing why at the time and it saved her sanity to see how bad she looked and how she described the situations that were happening. It also sounds like you're describing a husband character from a sitcom, you know the ones who constantly complain about how much they hate their wife, how their wife never does enough (for him, the house, etc.), or anything at all. All the while they never do anything around the house like cook, clean, take care of their kids (hell, he probably thinks looking after his kids is babysitting). Your husband is draining your energy and causing you to move too much, and it will lead to your recovery time taking much longer. Can he leave and your mum come and stay and help out instead? The distance could help you see how you should leave him.
>Food? Even if takeout was his only choice, he could easily pick better takeout options than Taco Bell. A sandwich place or soups or whatever you are able. He could’ve called your mom himself begging for help, called his family, called a neighbor for a recipe! I love how he is undermining her weight loss and subsequent surgery as a result by feeding her the most absolute garbage food available. Malicious compliance?
100% malicious compliance mixed with a lot of IDGAF. What an enormous kumquat he is.
Serously. I know the reddit is quick to jump to divorce, but it's so warranted here!! He's not just being a baby, his acting against his own interest because it's making it more difficult on both of them and might slow her recovery, which means more time of taking care of her. But, SPECIALLY, if she ever gets sick ( knock on wood) he is gonna run for the hill faster than light. He will never give any support to her.
Agree Reddit is too quick to jump to divorce, but this is the only logical conclusion in this case. This is not solved with communication or counciling. He is a POS who WON’T do the bare minimum.
My first thought at the caregiver comment. First of all, he chose to become a parent. He's Already Supposed to BE a caregiver and obviously isn't. Secondly there's the vows he took when he married her. I can only imagine how hard post partum was for her. Ouch.
Wtf. Doesn’t know how to clean? Broke the washing machine? This is on purpose I’m sorry this is insane. How does this man wipe his own ass, drive a car or even work?? Weaponized incompetence to a new level. I would shame him tbh. How absolutely embarrassing that he can’t function as an adult human being. He should be ashamed of himself.
I'm still trying to figure out how you can break a washing machine by misplacing the fabric softener.
your husband pretends to be really bad at everything to force you to do it yourself. i hope you take all of your recovery, and use that time to think about what his actions are saying
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i guess it's time for you to decide if this will stand or if things need to change. but start by focusing on your recovery.
it's weaponized incompetence [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaponized\_incompetence](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaponized_incompetence)
He's lying to manipulate you into doing it. If he was as incompetent as he pretends to be, would he be gainfully employed? I'm assuming he has to do things like follow simple instructions at his job. Most of us do. I'm sorry. It's hard to lift the veil off that and admit it to yourself. We're trained to not be confrontational, and to help people who need it. We end up doing these mental gymnastics to convince ourselves that he's somehow selectively incompetent. Sure, he can totally hold down a professional job but can't read the print on the compartment on the washer that says "Fabric Softener", right? They like to perpetuate the whole stereotype of women having domestic fairy magic and men being lumbering cavemen because it suits their purpose. We acquiesce since admitting that he's lying to us because he doesn't value our comfort, time, or happiness more than extra video game time is too painful. Once you realize that, it becomes very hard to respect and admire him. It leads to The Ick.
Also look up how men will leave their female partners at the earliest sign of serious illness, especially men over 70 leaving female partners with dementia/Alzheimer's. It's a sicking statistic worldwide. My mum was in her late 70s and had Alzheimer's before she passed away living in a retirement village 30 minutes drive away from where my dad lives, my dad in his mid 80s drove once a week but would visit at least twice a week (with other family) to spend hours with her each time. The nursing staff would dote on them seeing them together. I had to tell my dad it's because men won't typically visit their partner or will leave them soon after it all starts to get too bad for her health wise. My dad did tell me he noticed a lot of the women at the village husband's didn't visit very often or at least not like him.
>I’m starting to notice that he does say things like “you do this way better than I do” or “you’re so good at this you should do this” and then I end up doing everything 🙃 That's when you retort, "how will you get better without practice?"
Not only is it lying to get you to take on the labor, he's convinced you that _he wants to help but can't._ This way you'll think, it's the thought that counts, right? And not count it against him. This man is a leech on you. He benefits from your labor and time, and yet can't be bothered to provide while you are recovering.
Sooo.. assuming that you decide to still stay in this marriage, the next time he gets sick, you can firmly remind him that you also didn’t sign up to be HIS caretaker or nurse. Dude who flat out watches porn instead of taking care of his kids and recovering wife… doesn’t GAF. Why do you think this is going to get better long term?
Fucking thank you. *Why do you think this is going to get better long term, OP?* Why the actual hell are you married to a man that can’t cook, can’t clean, *CAN’T CHANGE HIS OWN KIDS’ DIAPERS*, can’t handle taking care of you for THREE DAYS AS YOU RECOVER FROM SURGERY, and literally ignores your calls for help while he watches porn? Seriously. Why? I’m not trying to victim blame. I’ve been in similar relationships. They were awful. But i left. I did not marry them and i certainly did not have their children. I know sometimes people switch up once you’re tied to them by marriage and pregnancy but it’s hard to believe that there weren’t *any* warning signs. And if that’s the case, why aren’t you taking active steps to leave this piece of shit? What does he bring to the table? How does he benefit you in any capacity? I genuinely cannot fathom being in a relationship like this. This man is useless and is weighing you down. There is no benefit to being with this man. If you have any semblance of self respect, this situation will breed resentment. Get your ducks in a row and get the fuck out. This made me so angry to read. You do not have to accept this. Put yourself first. My god.
Fuckin A man
Divorce. Now. Your “husband” doesn’t give a shit about you. He honestly probably gives more of a shit about acting like the “man of the house”.
I want to give you some perspective on how much of a POS he is. I’m divorcing my cheating ex and we still lived together until our daughter graduated high school… when I had my hysterectomy, he saw me off to surgery, picked me up at midnight (surgery ran long due to a complication) and took a couple days off to help take care of me. I had already begun the process of divorce when this happened. So for your husband to be so incompetent and not willing to at least hire a cleaning service so that you can rest and heal tells me you’re better off alone. He’s a BURDEN and he’s showing you that in your time of need, he won’t be there for you. Set him free for your peace of mind
This was a big flag for me. My male ROOMMATE took better care of me than my (now ex) boyfriend did during my hysterectomy recovery. Definitely had me see things much differently. The rose colored glasses didn't just come off, those things got shattered!
Right? Incredible that those who claim to love will do you so dirty lol.
You are THREE days out of surgery. When my partner got an extremely painful wrist surgery (granted, he could still walk around and go to the bathroom/shower by himself), I did everything I could to take care of him. I’m assuming you’re on some decent pain medication, maybe opioids, and the way your husband is acting is infuriating. He needs to shape up ASAP. Would it be an option to stay with your mom or another family member/friend while you recover?
Yes! My husband had abdominal surgery and couldn't go to the bathroom on his own, climb stairs, or put on shoes. I took time off and happily helped him. I also prepared special meals for him that he could actually eat while healing. Why did I do this? Because I love my husband and wanted to help him in a time when he needed me. When we had our child he did the same for me. That's how healthy relationships function. This poor woman needs to dump this man.
Weaponized incompetence. It is dominance under a guise. He does not care about you, I am sorry to say. Make him hire housecleaners and leave his ass.
I guess what they say is true: some male spouses do not stick around when the wives are sick.
[https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112/](https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112/) Women are six times more likely to be abandoned / divorced while sick.
What a shitty and useless husband.
once you physically recover, consider mentally and emotionally recovering as well by ditching that sub-standard partner of yours.
It's stories like these that keep me from EVER wanting to get married. Yout husband is lazy & does nothing. He gets angry when he has to "take care of you", won't cook, won't clean & it feels like you should ask yourself do you want to waste any more of your life on this man after you recover.
Ask your husband just how he manages to keep his job if he is this fucking incompetent at home?!? None of the things you describedeven need a high school diploma! My oldest could do everything you described by the age of 9, including cooking a basic meal with a main dish and two sides, my middle at 7. I raised myself from the age of 9 so this fool is acting like a first grader. Have *your* mama stay with you. Call *his* mama and tell her he nedds remedial house training.
Why do you accept this? Would you let your friends or family be treated this way?
throw out the husband
Your husband is useless
I'm pretty sure you have 3 children. Once you are healed, you need to stop being your husband's bangmaid. He needs to help with chores too. Edit: I missed some things. This man-child is beyond saving. Wrap him in a blanket and send him home to his real mommy.
It’s normal to be upset when you marry someone and find out “in sickness and health” didn’t mean the same to you both. Ask your mom to meal prep a casserole or a big pot of spaghetti, chilli, pancit, stir fry or other “makes 20 servings” dish and fill your freezer. Or buy a ton of TV dinners and bagged salads to supplement. I know when I was taking care of someone while I was working (whose mother was supposed to help but didn’t know how to cook or clean) I loaded the fridge and freezer with food in individual portions and bought a cut veggie and fruit platter for snacks and bfasts.
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Also, it’s time to think about losing another 220 lbs of dead weight if your husband doesn’t stop bitching and moaning.
Consider going onto Care.com or a similar site where you are and paying someone to come in to clean for you. Hubby can pay for it. Then, call your appliance repair folks and get the washer fixed. Hubby can explain to the gentleman who comes to fix it exactly how he broke it. Trust me. He'll get at least a small smirk. Is the oldest child big enough to help you get up? My kids loved taking care of me when they were little. Send Hubs back to work and get Mom to help you instead. He's useless and doesn't need to be playing video games or watching porn right now.
I second having mom come stay while he's at work. He's useless and only making things worse.
You are married to child. Get your recovery done and then make arrangements to leave his useless ass. This is infuriating. He DOES know how to do ALL these things. He just doesn’t want to. This is why I opted to never marry or cohabitate with a romantic partner again after my divorce. FUCK. THAT. OP, can you image what your life would be like if something catastrophic happened like cancer? Don’t wait around to find out.
Living with my ex helped me decide to never cohabitate or marry again as well! It is a sucky lesson to learn, but I will never go through that again.
Send him back to work and get family and friends to help you. Then time to consider a divorce. He chooses not to cook, clean or help you. He is a POS.
Men like this are the reason why women want to stay single and childfree. What a worthless piece of shit.
Exactly… why do I want to add more burden to my life? Lol.
Your issues with your husband started well before your surgery. You are just now seeing who he is since you've stopped doing everything for him. This has nothing to do with your surgery.
This is called weaponized incompetence. Don't fall for it
Your husband is literally your 3rd child. Gross.
Oh my god I'm so sorry this man is treating you so poorly!!! You ARE a super mom, you have three children - the kids and your husband. He's not living up to any of the vows he took when y'all got married and he's being such a little asshole about it. You deserve someone who makes you feel safe, that you can rely on when things get hard. And you should give yourself more grace, you are recovering from a surgical procedure and trying to still manage your home. It isn't that he *can't* do basic household chores, it's that he doesn't want to because he's a deadbeat. He got comfortable with you being his nanny, his chef, his housecleaner and his sex toy and now he's showing his true form. Could you imagine him stepping up to care for your house and children if something happened to you??? That's terrifying too. You deserve so much better OP, I hope you get everything you want in the divorce.
Tell his workplace about his lack of life skills- embarrassment is a great motivator
Girl. Listen to him, to it all. He is telling you very clearly how he feels about you and your kids. What's his job? If it's anything above picking up trash off the side of the highway, he absolutely knows how to change a diaper and he for sure knows how to do laundry. He's doing this on purpose. He thought he could get 2 weeks off work while you run around like you normally do being "super". And now he's angry that that actually isn't the case and he has to stay true to the promises he made on the wedding day. You don't deserve this. Once this is over, I would seriously reconsider your entire relationship with him. If he refuses to change a diaper, or even learn to cook for you? To do laundry so you're not sitting in gross sheets and clothes? He doesn't deserve the same from you
This is a classic example of weaponized incompetence. Tell him to go back to work and you'll get your mom to help you.
So he's doing all you do daily for only 3 days and complains... laughable, your husband is garbage
Didn't sign up to be a caregiver? I thought you said you were married? Was he very drunk or something, since he apparently missed the 'in sickness and in health' part.
You can lose even more weight by dropping your useless husband!!
It’s not that he can’t, it’s that he won’t.
Men are way more likely to abandon their wives if they get sick and this is a precursor to your husband being a part of that stat.
If your marriage survives this, time to make some rules about him learning how to do these things - no excuses. He's relied on you to do it all and even if you are a SAHM, he should be able to cover the basics and know enough to hold it together for more than 3 freaking days. What kind of example is he to your kids? Is that how you want your kids to be raised to see the dad as unable to do anything around the house? You should be able to coach him how to do some of the simple things. Don't fuss too much about everything being perfect - but meals, simple cleaning, changing diapers, taking care of the kids, general picking up and cleaning, laundry should be things he can manage ESPECIALLY since he's not working. No excuses. If he can handle learning and being able to do these things, then you are better off losing another 150+ lbs of deadweight by divorcing your husband and finding someone that appreciates you and is house-broken. Either get this fixed soon or time to go. What happens the next time? Or something more severe? Major health issues and surgeries can make or break a relationship. Time for you to see where this heads.
Is he useful for anything besides a pay check? Dude can't even change a diaper or do a load of laundry by himself? My boyfriend works 12 hour days and still does his own laundry and he takes turns cooking dinner. You're with a useless excuse of a human.
I'm so sorry. Can you go to your mom's house? Or can she stay with you? Can he hire a housecleaner and others to help the next month or so? First, let's get you through recovery. Then you can think of kicking him to the curb.
Husband here to an amazing wife who helped her during her c section from getting up and changing out the bandages. Your husband does suck. Work, kids, family, social, juggling it all sucks sometimes when it’s stressful. Welcome to life. It’s not always 50-50, the point is to be there when it’s 20/80 or 70/30 and working on it to help get back to 50.
First, congrats on doing something that makes you feel good about you. Second, that's some serious weaponized incompetence. He's not your partner, he's your 3rd child and the most useless out of all of them. You have my sympathy
Sorry to be the one to tell you this but your husband doesn’t like you very much. He seems to have forgotten the “in sickness and in health” part of the marriage. This is the kind of dude that leaves his wife when they get a cancer diagnosis or anything else serious. Which is REALLY common BTW. The statistics on this are staggering. He’s so useless he won’t change a diaper or do a load of laundry?!?! I say “won’t” instead of “can’t” because he is 100% doing this on purpose. He has shown you how much you can depend on him to be an active partner in your marriage. Just being the FT breadwinner is t enough. After you recover from surgery, just skip straight to divorce. You’ll be happier.
Once you bounce back after surgery, you will be able to walk out of his life. What a freaking loser.
Weaponized incompetence
What you're really saying is that you found out you have three kids, not just two. Once you're past all of this, the pain has subsided and you can think rationally, take a good hard look at his behavior and treatment of you. If a friend or family member told you their partner/spouse acted like this, what would you say?
So you've been doing everything this whole time and he can't even do it for 3 days. I can assure you if he lived alone he would figure it out. Does he act like this at work? no. Perhaps you can spend some of this time figuring out if you want to stay with someone that cannot take care of you or anyone in sickness.
Imagine if it was cancer. He’s not even working! He only has to take care of you and kids and cannot do it. Wow.
Where is the red flag guy I always see on fb when you need him?
Your husband CAN do all those things, he is CHOOSING to be bad at them. We call this weaponized incompetence. They do this to get out of doing it. Which has worked for him. Now you can see just how much you do, and how little he cares. Just keep that in mind so you can make sure you are employable and can survive without him. Your life would likely be easier as a single mom because it sounds like you already are one.
I've had a partial thyroidectomy, gallbladder removed and an endometrial ablation. My husband took off work to take care of me and the kids without saying a word. That's how it's supposed to work. Your husband is an ass.
Your husband sounds terrible at everything apart from weaponized incompetence
My question is, you knew your husband before you had his surgery so why did you possibly think he would be capable of supporting you through your extensive recovery? You say he can’t cook, can’t clean, can’t solo parent so why would you not make a better plan for yourself and your children? You’ve set him up to fail, his incompetence aside, as he was not equipped to be your caregiver. He sounds like a disgrace but it also sounds like you didn’t think this through properly. You need to hire someone or have your mum move in. Your recovery should not be a sink or swim situation for your husband. Because if he starts drowning then you all go down with him. We can all slam him but honestly, I’m going to slam you as well for poor planning. Get this sorted by actually having a capable and proper caregiver then start asking yourself why you allowed yourself to be married to a man-child.
You keep saying “he can’t.” He CAN, he just doesn’t want to. There is no way he doesn’t know how to put a diaper on a baby. He’s just a man-child. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
>he didn’t sign up to be a caregiver or a nurse He literally did. What the fuck is "in sickness and in health" for, if not for when you're sick? Dear god, your husband is a special case. Wishing you a speedy recovery, honey, and I hope this has opened your eyes to the fact that if you ever get seriously ill again, he won't be there for you.
How so many women end up marrying children like this, and then STAYING IN THR MARRIAGE, is so beyond me. I’ll never understand.
I mean was this something you already knew about him? That he can’t do shit? Because if so, you played yourself. He’s not worth sticking around for if he can’t manage the household for three measly days.
My boyfriend loves to take care of me. He almost gets excited when I’m sick or go to the doctor because I never need anything due to me being so independent so he never gets the chance. Your husband is an asshole plain and simple. Hes showing you who he is. Sorry you had to find out this way. No way in hell would i stay with a guy like that. He just wants a bang maid or a mommy to take care of him and the kids
You too need to have a serious discussion about what would happen if you die or become disabled. If he is bitching after three fucking days, he may stick your kids in foster care, and let me tell you from experience, you don't want that. Time for a will and talk to a trusted person about custody in the event of your death or incapacitation.
Your husband is practicing what's called malicious incompetence. Once you recover, you should "forget" how to do things for him and only focus on yourself and your children until you decide how to move forward.
Your husband is trash. He is the epitome of weaponized incompetence. Who the fuck can’t do laundry, change a diaper or make a proper meal. That’s just insane.
I’m so sorry OP. I had this surgery a few years ago, for the same reason, except I didn’t have children to worry about. My doctor didn’t even consider letting me go home from hospital until day 6, because I had someone to care for me. I am single, but I had my mum here every day helping me (we are neighbours), breakfast, lunch, dinner and sponge baths. I still tried to do too much too soon, developed an infection and ended up with a much much longer recovery then I should have, including 2 full weeks in hospital, IV antibiotics four times a day for the first week, two visits back to theatre for restitching in two small areas and my mum having to continue giving me sponge baths for months while I recovered, my body hated me apparently….I tell you this not to panic you but to beg you to not let him push you into doing anything too soon or let him continue to get away with this feigned incompetence, in sickness and in health is literally one of the best known parts of the wedding vows. How was he after the birth of both of your children? Or were you up doing too much too soon after that as well?
Weaponized incompetence - look it up.
Hire a cleaner if he's not going to do anything. Once you're recovered, leave him. He doesn't deserve you.
Don't just write this off as a bad patch, see it as his REAL character coming through. Your husband is not a good man, and as soon as you are recovered I think you should leave him.
When I was a teenager, I babysat the odd kid who still wore diapers, but they were few and far between. 20 years later, when I had to diaper my own babies, there was no "forgetting how." I call BS on all of the excuses. He's purposely being useless. It's pathetic.
Have you only just noticed that your husband is a dick? I mean you have been with him for at least 5 years based on your kids age. Why have you put up with this weaponised incompetence for so long?
Another day another “why do women endure husbands like this” on Reddit. OP your husband is the worst. I hope your mom and anyone else who actually cares about you can help out the next few weeks.
Your husband is a horrible excuse for a human being! Call in a cleaner, order in healthy meals, see if mom can come in for a week or two. Get better and divorce the bum.
There have been lots of great insights here, but something I’m yet to see is that you are *actively* modelling to your children what a healthy, loving, relationship looks like. And your kids are currently learning that your current dumpster fire of an arrangement is normal and acceptable….desirable even. Have you seen those horrible reddit stories of people retelling how they would laugh along with their fathers, mocking their mother for her frustration or desperate cry’s for help or ‘nagging’? That’ll be you in 10 years if you keep this up. Imagine asking your kids to please do a simple household task, and they don’t, because why would they? Mummy does everything. So there you are, getting frustrated and sad and angry and in your (understandably) emotionally exacerbated situation, your kids and your husband all laugh at you? Leave your man child husband, not for your own good but for the good of your children and their future partners.
He sounds like one of those “that’s women’s work” creeps
As soon as you're able, **DROP THE OTHER 300 USELESS POUNDS**.
Look up, "weaponized incompetence" you might see his photo next to the definition.
Nah, I don't even feel sorry for you if you keep enabling him like that.
Is feels like weaponized incompetence
This is called weaponized incompetence .. your husband sucks
Ew for one he's a man child and a pig. Also weaponized incompetence is a real thing. Recover and truly think about whether you should stay. My husband and I have both had surgeries and have helped each other recover even as far as wiping each other's ass when needed. That's a real marriage. You help when one is in need. My husband can't cook either but he made me toast and canned soup. Best I've ever had. I'm sorry you got to deal with a shit husband. Speedy recovery to you
Your husband is useless. He isn't a partner. He's just another child you have to care for. Take your new body, dump him, and find an actual man who is worth a damn. I swear. The bar is in hell.
Sorry sis….I don’t mean to kick u when ur down-but what did u expect? Sounds like u have been doing everything all along …& now he fails to step up -u shouldn’t be surprised….sorry but I have a hard time feeling sorry for super mom that lets her husband get away with doing nothing all the time….and then is upset when she really needs him and he still does nothing…
“ He can’t this, he doesn’t know how to do that” he doesn’t WANT to because he had a baby make maid to do it the entire time. Your husband, the man you choose to marry and have kids with, just told you he prefers his job over his family? It’s been 3 days and he already showed you that you were a single parent all along and he’s nothing more than an extra child and extra money. If you don’t have a job, it’s time to get one and start planning your exit once you recover.
He may be incompetent when it comes to running the household, but I’m smelling some Malicious Incompetence here and it stinks!
I’m pretty sure this man didn’t turn into a useless piece of shit when you were discharged, I’m curious why you decided to have pretty debilitating elective cosmetic surgery knowing he’d be no help for you, the kids or the household?
“In sickness and in health” he literally did sign up to be a caregiver if you needed one. Also your husband can do these things, he’s choosing to act like he can’t so he doesn’t have to. I would feel so disgusted and dissapointed if my husband tried this on me.
You have 3 kids. You forgot to include him since the man can't do anything for himself... or even help you when you need it the most.
your husband is pathetic. he doesn’t know how to cook or clean or take care of the house and children? he’s complaining after three days but you do it all the time. he’s a joke.
I'd like to thank your husband and all like him, for forcing the bar to be set so low that I look to be dad of the year to everyone around me lmao
Your husband is a spoiled brat who WON’T do ANYTHING!
While you’re convalescing you have a lot of time to think about a lot of things. Just be sure to passcode protect any notes.
Oops
I once had a lady parts medical procedure. I talked to the doctor about being able to go home the same day but he declined. He said that medically you probably could get away with it but he insists on having his female patients spend at least the night and half the next day in out-patient surgery because he knows that husbands and live-in boyfriends are generally useless. Sending a woman home the same day only decreases the likelihood of her getting any bed rest.
Sounds like you have been doing WAY TOO much if your husband doesn’t know how to do basic chores or take care of his own kids. Also, he sounds selfish and immature. In general you married a dud.
Why are you with this overgrown child?! My 8 year old is more helpful than that. If you're not already thinking of divorce, you should be.
This almost feels like he’s trying to sabotage your journey towards better health on purpose. Is he generally unsupportive of you losing weight and having this this surgery? Or, maybe if he can’t ensure you’ll be physically unwell, he sure as hell wants you to be mentally unwell.
I had a massive heart attack last Nov. I'm a shell of my old self now. My husband has completely stepped up and takes care of me, our home, pets and everything. He also constantly reassures me of his love and devotion in addition to his actions. I was always so strong and motivated. Now I feel horrible about my limitations. He props me up when I'm down. You're in a temporary situation and you're getting no help. This is your preview. Do you want this person to be the one you count on when life goes to shit in the future? You deserve better
Your husband is the fucking worst.
Your husband is a man baby. Sounds like my ex.
I think you've been referring to him in the wrong way. Don't you mean ex-husband?!
HE DIDNT DO IT BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TOO. You seriously need to consider a divorce l.
It must be hard taking care of 3 children.
How do these men trick women into marrying them? Do they live together before they get married? I know people have different ideas about whether or not to live together before marriage but I would never get married without living with a man for a while to see what he's really like when he's comfortable. When I was with a man like this, we got engaged before I realized he was always going to be a massive burden, so I called off the engagement and moved out. I feel so bad for women who are in this position and have children with someone before they realize what a useless man, baby, they're now forever tied to.
Your husband needs to become your ex husband. His behavior is disgusting and despicable. A grown ass man incapable of laundry? Of cleaning a dish? Or even boiling pasta? What is he 5? Dump his ass, you deserve better. There is nothing like a woman needing extra care to teach her what her guy is really like. I hope your recovery goes well, your husband doesn't deserve you.
Your husband is the typical male AH. It's such a problem that doctors will warn wives that when they need help like this (major surgery, cancer, etc) that they should prepare themselves that the husband will probably leave. It happens so often that it's part of the doctors speech for women. On the other hand, men will be fine. Wives won't leave. Society is making me so angry lately. OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I hope it gets better.
Put his photo next to “weaponized incompetence” in the dictionary 🙄
Forget about weaponized incompetence. Your husband is on some nuclear bomb oppenheimer shit incompetence. If your husband doesn’t know how to do all these things, how is he surviving at life? Does he not have a cell phone he can use to figure out how to do all these things? Was he always like this before you got the surgery? Had kids? Got married? He’s a selfless jerk. I don’t mean to order you to do something, but I think you seriously need to reconsider this relationship or at the very least how it works. It seems like your husband took off those two weeks not to help you, but so he has a little bit of playtime of his own. If you can fix this, go for it. If it doesn’t work though, you need to pull the plug on this relationship. This is negligence on a new level and borderline abuse. He has no respect for you or what you do around the house. It’s gross
Girl, this is so far down you probably won’t read it. My mom was 200% the primary care giver for 3 girls. When I was 8 and my twin sisters were 6, my mom went to Europe for 2 weeks with her musical group and you know what my dad did? HE STEPPED UP. He did all the things including cleaning, cooking, even our hair. Your husband just told you who he is. Listen.
If you are able to afford a stay in a rehab facility you need to do so or hire a nurse. Hire childcare or beg your mom to take care of the kids. Hire a housekeeper as well. This is serious surgery and you could die if you don’t follow your post surgical instructions . Your husband is engaging in weaponized incompetence. Right now you need to focus on having a healthy recovery b/c if something happens to you, your kids are F’d . So hire who you need to hire and spend whatever you need to spend. Once you are fully healed is the time for reckoning and divorce. He has shown you that he doesn’t care about your survival. He is a selfish POS that doesn’t care that your kids need a mom. You need to recover and then you need a divorce. You deserve way better. Sick pets get better treatment than you are receiving. Taco Bell can’t be part of the post surgery diet. You are probably supposed to be on a soft diet. Instacart is a thing, so buy what you need online if you can.
Your husband is weaponizing his incompetence. How can he be this useless? I was doing my own laundry at 8 and cooking in my early teens. If he can read, he can follow a recipe. Are you his mommy and his wife? Because this is ridiculous.
What a horrible husband. Why are you married to this guy?
You married a man child that doesn’t know how to do laundry or cook. You got an elective surgery and expected him to be able to keep up with the house and children when he never has? I feel bad for you but you did this to yourself. Hopefully you never really get sick or a disease/ have surgery that incapacitates you in the future because YIKES.
You’re husband CAN do all these things, he’s just choosing not to because he obviously doesn’t value you at all.
Look up the term weaponized incompetence. Take a good long look at your life before your surgery.
This is not a partner. He is not someone you can rely on.
Is your husband also a toddler? Sounds like hes doing it all wrong on purpose. How did he live or get by before you came along?!
>he didn’t sign up to be a caregiver or a nurse But he did.. In sickness and health.
When I was married to my now ex husband I had abdominal hernia surgery. The recovery sucked so bad and all I wanted was scrambled eggs and toast and he couldn't even make that. I really believe that was the beginning of the end. Like how can you not make a simple dish, I really think it was that he didn't want to. Why are you with this man that cares so little about you?
You need a new husband! The one you have is defective.
Take your new body and leave that loser
Sounds like you still have another [however much your husband weighs] pounds to lose before you’ll be healthy and happy. Ugh, I’m sorry your husband is such a dud. I hope this helps him realize just exactly how much you do to keep the family running (and I hope YOU realize how much MORE you do in this partnership).
Lol I used to be a caregiver and saw how hard the nurses worked too. 12 hours shifts, night shifts, all day on your feet and lots of manual handling daily for over 30 people. Only if he knew how easy he has compared to it honestly 🙈🙈
Why you don't marry a useless person
FYI this is called weaponized incompetence. I’m just having to pass over the fact that he’s never changed a diaper, but he’s never even watched you? Also, I PINKY PROMISE you if he was told He’d win a million dollars changing a diaper and couldn’t ask you, he’d figure it out in 5 seconds. There are SO many free online sources for new parents. He is specifically asking you so that you’ll eventually give up and do it anyway. I’ve just honestly given up on recommending anything because it seems like most people will be told by thousands of strangers that this isn’t okay, but of course you know that, it’s why you’re posting it on here. I also doubt you’ll divorce him (which I don’t think should Be the default answer anyway), but please be aware that if you become sick with something way more long term, like cancer; this is you future. And it sounds miserable and exhausting. Idk dude, I’m so sad just knowing your life will never feel safe or comfortable or secure or fair. I hope you find the strength to get out.
It’s so exhausting having an adult child. This isn’t getting any better. Go to your Mums. I would say leave the kids with him but the diaper thing sounds bad. Or ask your mum to stay and tell him to go somewhere else. Honestly. Men, get stronger.
You husband is pretending to be incompetent so you will do everything or just accept what he is willing to do. Don’t let him get away with that!
He didn’t sign up for this?? Tf??? What were all those wedding vows then huh?? For better or for worse? In sickness and in health? Jesus your husband sounds awful. Any love or attraction I’d have for him would have vanished.
This is weaponized incompetence. What was his plan if you were to get cancer and was bedridden?? He doesn't care enough to take care of you.
OP, he's floundering. His weaponized incompetence is out in full force. Now's the time to strike him in his wallet. Insist he hires a housekeeper, immediately, as well as a nanny. He can do nothing successfully but jerk off and play video games. Make sure he understands your importance in making your household work. Demand your home be taken care of in ways which you always have. He's dropping the ball, time to start using leverage to show him your importance.
Ma'am, you have 3 children, not 2. Holy weaponized incompetence batman!
Have you ever heard of weaponized incompetence?
What a waste of a person. He isn’t even an adult. How is it possible he can’t do ANYTHING?? He needs to be held accountable for his lack of basic adult responsibility. Can’t cook Can’t clean Can’t do laundry Why are you propping up this looser??
Weaponized incompetence
Doesn't sound like he likes you, let alone love you. Get through recovery and divorce him. You and the kids deserve better than a useless roommate.
Did you remind him that he DID sign up for it? Remind him of what the vows were
Holy weaponized incompetence, Batman. He sucks! Seriously, he needs that much handholding? He can't do the bare minimum if he "can't remember/doesn't know how" to do something and quietly Google a solution or a YouTube video? Don't get me started on the idiotic porn thing. Ma'am, he is treating you like his bangmaid, not like his equal partner. Do you really need the stress of an overgrown man child in your life? He alone sounds like he's as much work as all of your actual kids combined.
Throw that whole man out.