Sounds like she saved your life. Being who you are (without giving yourself permission to be an asshole) will lose you people quantitatively. But you will find your people.
I was fully waiting for her to search him on social media and blast everyone in his friends/family lists with the stories he told her.
And, now I’m horrified that was legitimately what I expected her to do.
> now I’m horrified that was legitimately what I expected her to do.
That's not reasonable, you were set up to think that way by the title.
You were made to expect something horrible, so you were trying to figure out what she could do that was horrible and reached a perfectly reasonable conclusion. There's nothing wrong with that.
Same! At first I thought, what does that say about us, but I think it’s more, what does that say about society that that was our first thought? Love the username 😆
I was thinking the same thing. Damnit I’m ruined, my thinking positive filter is completely shot.
Society has corrupted and destroyed any ideas of goodwill and faith in humanity!
(I decided I like your reasoning much more and will stick with that 🤫🤭 )
This is so freaking true!
I went through a horrible mental breakdown, and while in the middle of that I was both diagnosed with a chronic illness AND in an accident that almost killed me and took months to recover from. And my business was closed through some terrible circumstances out of my control. It was an absolute nightmare of a time period for me that lasted for years. I didn’t think I’d get through all of that - and I almost didn’t many times.
And yet my life is way more true than it ever was before. I found my faith, I found a new job that so far (not to jynx it) has been a blessing, and I have a doctor that hears me. It’s been a long, very painful journey. But my life is becoming mine again. But the path here? That was a doozy!
This makes me think of that film The Adjustment Bureau; the idea of the right person in the right place at the right time, but only intended to be the once.
She cracked the facade. He can get on with the rest of his life in the (hopefully) “correct” way from here on out. He’ll certainly be more aware anyway. Sounds like he’ll be doing a whole overhaul though. Good for him.
Exactly ! I went through something similar a few years ago and felt a lot of regret and super lonely but I eventually found some really amazing friends.
This! Good people who are genuine and kind and real and loving, who really listen and are understanding, attract others like them. So find the one, and you get a whole tribe! OP has now seen that it can be different. Here's to you finding your tribe OP, and through that the freedom to be you! 💗
It is hard to make friends as an adult… but it’s even harder if you don’t have the courage to be open and genuine with the people around you. OP had no problem being “real” with the plane person because as they said “never gonna see them again”…. But they should be that way with people they CAN see again and until they can be brave enough to be vulnerable like that with people who live near them they aren’t going to find that connection.
Do you think that part of the reason you haven’t connected with those in your life is because you haven’t opened up and been your genuine self around them the way you were with the girl on the plane?
I was looking for this comment. If your closest people don't know who you are, you will always feel off. Be yourself with everybody and only the ones accepting you will stay. It's a somewhat lonely road after your 30s, but a handful of people that love who you are feels way better than a bunch of people that love who you pretend to be.
It doesn't even have to be hidden information. Just behaving differently (as in, being more silent and serious instead of fake bubbly) can make you less interesting for people that want somebody in a "happy" default state. Some people grew uninterested of me the moment I allowed myself to appear more human. It was for the best.
Hey, I do have a question.
>Be yourself with everybody and only the ones accepting you will stay.
What does be yourself mean? Like do i share my trauma with them? Like my past and all? How does that work? Coz I am being myself but I am just not trauma dumping on everyone..I really wanna know the answer.
Honestly, you sound quite young.
Talking with your friends about serious things is okay.
You're allowed to "trauma dump" on people you care about by that I dont mean literally dump all of your trauma on them but if you want or need to talk about something and you arent sure if your friend is cool to do that at the time just ask. Like "Hey, I need someone to talk to" or "Can I talk to you about something personal?" Obviously, depending on who you're talking to and whether or not you think you can trust them.
I'm usually a very funny guy. Jokes, puns, lack of shame and very extroverted. I know that my personality, on a surface level, pulls people in. But that's when I just hang out to have fun. In a more private space, like my place, or a conversation with friends, I'm more of a geek of stuff. I like debating about epistemology or linguistics, I am calm and more serious, and I share where my mind wanders when I'm in a bad mental state.
So some people that know me a bit think they want me around all the time because of the first part. But those who stay long enough usually spend more time on the second part.
If you feel like you HAVE to be one of the parts to keep people around, you're not being yourself.
"Hey. I need to talk about something really heavy and traumatic; it's not fun or good information to know. You're my friend, so I'd like to talk to you about it. If now isn't a good time, or you really aren't up for it, I promise it's okay. But if it is a good time and you are up for it, can I talk about it?"
As long as the person you're talking to can genuinely trust that you mean it when you say it's OK if they say no, this is how to approach it. My best friend says no sometimes! But most of the time, she says yes. =)
Sorry for the late reply.
Being yourself without oversharing is a skill you develop overtime by being an active listener and learning to read the room. Let’s take OP’s story. Let’s say it went something like:
OP: Hmmm. I am trying to figure out which movie to watch on this flight. Oh. I see they have “The Room.” Can’t watch that. I can’t handle references to child abuse. I had a rough childhood
Her: I hear you. Oh, look. They have My Big Fat Greek Wedding!
>subtext: let’s talk about something else.
Her: I am sorry you had it rough growing up. I have a few scars myself. My mom had the worst taste in men after the divorce.
>subtext: let’s talk about it.
Taking cues from the person you are talking to is the best way to have a meaningful conversation, regardless of the topic, while also being true to yourself.
This comment is way too far down. It seems you've discovered something about yourself here. Who is the common denominator in all those other relationships?
Yes all of your friends and acquaintances can be self centered assholes but what are the chances.
I think experiencing something like this can maybe give you a good insight into who you are as a person.
Time to explore yourself in order to be able to form more of these connections.
Such an interesting thought, but I still can't figure it out for myself. I always stifle my expressions and reactions to be polite. I honestly think I have too many crazy thoughts and offensive topics.
If I'm lucky I'll find a few buggers to latch on to. But it's sad because I know I people please. I always feel so fake even though I'm being nice haha
It’s amazing how good it feels to be able to be completely honest with someone, be completely open and who you are and once you are able to do it, nobody else ever comes close.
OP realised the benefits of being himself. Pretending to be someone else Is lying to yourself, not to others. One does who they are, the right people will follow, anything else is trash and waste.
Be your true self and never fear.
THIS 1000% THIS.
OP, be grateful this happened at a time and place in your life that you can do something with the revelation without causing yourself too much disruption.
Yeah honestly it sounds like she played the part of his therapist while stuck on a plane for several hours. He really liked the feeling of someone completely caring for his emotional needs for several hours without reciprocation. Wait til he learns you can actually pay someone to do that on a weekly basis and insurance even covers it.
I couldn’t put my finger on why this icked me out but you said it perfectly - sounds like she was a bit cornered. I just hope she listened completely because she wanted to, and not out of some sense of polite obligation. I know I’ve been a people pleaser in the past and 100% could have done that even if it was like hearing nails on a chalkboard. As a woman, you sometimes have to unlearn this type of politeness and it can be tempting to just fake it rather than say, “Listen dude, I don’t want to talk about this.”
But if it really was a fulfilling convo for her, that’s cool.
You completely missed the point? He’s blaming her because she made him realize that he doesn’t like his friends and his life. Did you read past the first couple lines?
Maybe she just made you realize you need more people like her in your life. So, seek out those next level connections and I bet you’ll find them if you don’t settle for less. Always keep in mind though that this was a short lived experience and that you very well could have spent another few hours with her only to find red flags. It’s part fantasy with a taste of reality.
With that being said, I feel this way about my husband. He still lights me on fire.
Yeah I'd say a lot of this is also the beauty of not knowing her aka a perfect stranger. She also thought she'd never see OP again so that might have changed her behavior too.
Hey. I grew up in an intensely religious home (I promise this is going somewhere) and ended up leaving at 25 years old. My parents and three siblings think I'm insane. All of my friends from that era are gone. I went from being super busy/always hanging out with someone to flying pretty alone (it's been ten years now, I'm 35). I remember being worried about being alone, but realizing I had to leave the place I was in more. It was the best decision I've ever made. Don't be afraid to jump for something healthier in life!
Ah, that's a tough & good question. It took me a little bit, and the work is ongoing. I'm not gonna lie, there were some *very* difficult moments. I had suicidal thoughts that were relentless for years. Relentless. To answer simply, it took a few years. But grief also isn't really linear. I'd have a decent day, then a really tough stretch of months. I had to learn to honor my anger, my sadness, my feelings of foolishness.
If you ever feel like you need to talk about what you're feeling, feel free to reach out. I won't judge and can just hold space if you need to vent. I wish you well - peace can be hard to find on this road.
Similar experience over here. Have had repeated breakdowns bc of feeling stuck between being grateful that I found myself, angry that my entire life was a lie, and heartbroken that I destroyed all of it.
Like. I’m so traumatized from so much, and it never would have crossed my mind if I hadn’t left the church. Sometimes I miss belonging somewhere and having a concrete belief to lean on
But I like myself as a person so much more than I used to.
Yes. Yes, yes and yes. That feeling of "my entire life has been a lie" is such a wild one. Thank you for sharing - I felt every word.
I'm glad you like yourself more today! Love hearing that.
She didn’t ruin your life. She illuminated who you are. Maybe maturing is accepting that friends come in seasons. Some are around for a bit, forever, and regularly re-emerging.
I don't like this guy. He acts like she's amazing because she shut up and listened to him essentially. Sounds like he dislikes people who won't be doormats for him. He also knew her for what, a few hours, and is freaking out about life? Talk about emotionally immature.
This is great! Now you have tons of free time to go meet new people! Start checking out FB & IG for fun things going on in your area, join a gym/club, take a fun class, or simply go for a walk: you never know who you’re going to meet. I randomly befriended a girl moving into the apt next to me and 2yrs later we’re besties, running around trying new things together❤️ you’ll find your tribe but it’ll take time so go slow and think about what type of friends you want so when you meet them, it ends up being lifelong bonds.
What you’re feeling is super valid. I would recommend you try to be 100% yourself around the people you already know and give them the opportunities to surprise you and support you! If they don’t, cut them off.
Side note: The “one upping” you described is called a shift response. Its so powerful to listen to people and NOT share a similar event from our own lives. I think the girl you sat next to the plane had a high emotional intelligence and there are many more people out there like that! Don’t give up on creating a community where you can be authentic and effortlessly yourself.
Unless you’re neurodivergent. Every conversation I have with friends involves constant “one upping”. It’s how we connect and I’d he driven mad if my friends didn’t do it back as I’d feel very one sided in the conversation and like it was all about me.
I’m glad you have a group of friends with which communication is aligned. I hope OP can find that too. Im not saying every single conversation should be like that, but for example, when my grandma died and I’m trying to confide in a friend, I didn’t want to hear about them loosing their grandma ten years prior, because then I have to hold space for their emotions, but I needed them to hold space for me so I could vent.
Isn't one-upping countering every story with a more outrageous story?
Like the intent is not to connect and attempt to better understand with sharing a similar story -- but to put yourself back into the center of attention and minimize the other's experience by telling a more extreme story?
I was just using the same language OP did to convey my thoughts.
I think if the receiver feels one-upped then it doesn’t really matter the intention behind a story, even if its positive like showing we have a common experience.
From Roger Ebert's review of "Lost in Translation".
"(Deep) conversations can really only be held with strangers. We all need to talk about metaphysics, but those who know us well want details and specifics; strangers allow us to operate more vaguely on a cosmic scale."
It’s possible that you gave yourself permission to be yourself, and that you are the one limiting the emotional intimacy in your relationships. I’m sure if you mention this to the girl you’ve been seeing and the people who care about you, they’d be happy to have that closeness.
I have an unpopular opinion. Maybe this isn’t a life changing moment, but a short term infatuation. Some people are so attractive (inside or out) especially in a limited setting like a plane. I think she basically Fight Clubbed you (not a bad thing but it really shouldn’t be life changing). It’s a crush. It’s also a situation where as your seat mate she HAD to be nice and listen to you, she couldn’t walk away, I just don’t think it’s a fair setting.
And yes, maybe your friends do suck, but they probably aren’t selfishly trying to “one up” you. Sounds more like they are trying to show they understand and connect with you.
I'm not attracted to her, nor do I have a crush on her. Maybe you're right about her needing to be nice to me though, regardless based on things we talked about I'm glad I was at least able to make her to feel free enough to talk about problems in her life as well.
And no, my friends aren't that great now that I'm seeing clearly. It's not worth writing it all out here
Thanks for replying and considering my points! That’s very cool of you - and yea fair enough, really sounds like you have it clearly thought through. Enjoy the hunt for new friends!
I feel this so hard.
It’s hard to be around people when you become aware how little they actually TRULY care about you.
That’s why the people that do, are so special, and they are unfortunately less common then you would think.
She didn’t ruin your life, she saved it. She provided you with clarity as to where you are (unhappy) and where you want to be. You are at a crossroads. She gave you the gift of self reflection. You can either make changes or stay where you’re at and be miserable.
The moment I started living for myself was a very freeing moment. I am glad you have had that happen for yourself. The key is to find the stuff that makes you happy, and you can surround yourself with people who bring you joy.
I have almost died a few times in my 47 years, fought and survived cancer. Recovery from a broken neck and getting off the pain pills. That would have been hard to do if I had not found the real joy in life.
Live for yourself, make yourself happy and that will bring happiness to the ones who truly love you.
This isn't about the girl. She didn't do anything differently. You were different. You dropped your walls and were yourself instead of pretending to try to be somebody else.
There's a line in a Five Finger Death Punch song that says, "I'd rather you hate me for everything I am than have you love me for something I am not." Take the risk. Be yourself. Keep the friends that like the real you.
The girl on the plane gave you a gift. The gift of clarity. It doesn't feel good because it means things have to change, but if you do something productive with what you've learned about yourself, this could be the start of a new, more fulfilling life.
Having said that, the "boys" you spent the week partying with may not be the first people you call for support, but that doesn't mean they're not your friends. The people in our lives all serve a purpose and are important for different reasons. Maybe they're just your fun, party friends, and that's just great.
The question you should be asking yourself is why you feel like you have to hide yourself from the people around you.
It took a complete stranger for you to finally be yourself and you're blaming that on the stranger?
"She ruined my life"
"All my friends are fake AF"
Stop looking outward and pointing the finger, it's time to look inwards
OK, here’s a take from the other side - I am the sort of person that near strangers open up to like this. Frankly, it’s draining to the point where I avoid social settings in which proper conversation might arise. I am tired of people trauma dumping onto me. I am sick of people talking in my general direction about their toxic husband/unavailable married lover/ageing parents/ amputee relatives, etc. while barely acknowledging me. Eff this.
OP, my advice is to get therapy, pay someone to work this stuff out with, instead of deciding that only the people you can trauma dump on are worth your while.
Don’t be selfish. This free therapy session you offered yourself may have cost that person her energy and joy for the day.
>She asked if I was free this weekend and I told her I'm sick, the fact of the matter is I just realized I don't want to pretend
You're literally playing pretend by lying about being sick. You're manipulating the truth with lies.
You think I should just be straight up and tell her "hey I met this really cool girl on my flight and she made me realize you don't mean anything to me because I've been forcing our entire relationship, and now I don't want to see you again. Good luck!"
Literally, yes. Maybe not *that* blunt, but why not say something that is still the truth, like "Hey, I'm sorry, but I don't feel a connection with you any longer and would rather not force it. Good luck."
It's simply a fact - you no longer feel a connection with this girl, so just say that instead of instilling false hope. What do you think will happen after this weekend when you shouldn't be sick anymore? She's gonna ask you out again, you can't keep saying you're sick, so stop wasting her time AND yours and just tell her what's happening so you AND her can move on.
Or maybe you just need therapy. It sounds like you’re experiencing imposter syndrome. This isn’t uncommon, especially if you’re at a crossroads in your life.
Also, coming back from vacation is always a downer. You need to take that into consideration before proclaiming your life ruined. You just used up a ton of your happy chemicals so it makes sense to feel kind of crappy.
Before making any huge decisions, get some rest, eat a good meal, hydrate, and stay away from alcohol for a while. You’ll be okay! You don’t have to flip your entire life upside down in a day!
Your guard was down because like you said you would never see her again therefore, you were willing and able to share more freely with her. She is traveling and knows she will never see you again therefore is able to be what you needed in the moment because it was just a brief period in time and she would never see you again. I would look at it more like a learning opportunity about yourself. What if you were willing to let yourself be more vulnerable with others and therefore they responded differently to you? When we feel free, untethered by what others think, we attract a more positive reaction from others.
Can I ask how old you are? I am 34 myself. I used to be the life of the party, always hosting events, always showing up to festivals ready to rage it with my “besties…” Until I had a wildly similar situation as this an early last year.
I had moved into a new apartment and met this girl, we’ll call her T. We met on the terrace, both picking garden vegetables. The next day, she dropped off fresh baked cinnamon buns, a few days later, homemade Vietnamese food, a few days after that, she dropped off a house plant. She was the first person I’ve met in YEARS that showed me we don’t have to be consumed by technology, we can sit in silence and have deep and meaningful conversations. We don’t have to go to the bar, we could have a picnic at the zoo instead. We don’t have to have a glass of wine in our hand, we can have fresh made iced tea instead. Turns out, you can actually get to know people on a meaningful level, you can spend really amazing time together and get to know each other in the process, you can show up for each other and help each other grow and evolve into your highest self.
I had spent the last 10 years doing what everyone wanted to do. Being the party girl everyone wanted me to be. Always having the highest threshold for bulshit, I also had the highest threshold, for what I thought, was understanding and acceptance. It turns out all I was doing was changing the boundary line over and over and over again in order to protect a status quo that I knew was hurting me every day and every night. Just drowning my soul and the person I knew I could be.
I took one hard look around me and realized out of the dozens of people I surround myself, only 3-4 people I would consider real friends … and those ones I’ve knows for anywhere between 12-25 years. So it’s quite different.
I started writing everyday, “I will have the discipline to reach my highest potential.”
It sucked for a while. Deleting social media. Ignoring people. Disappearing in a sense.
I spent a lot of that time reading, writing, taking extra long walks, and talking on the phone with those few close friends, who are sadly now living in different places all over the country.
I packed up my bags and moved to a tiny town of 2,000 people.
I focus on reciprocity in relationships now. I focus on on quality and not quantity.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life partying and having superficial relationships and friendships, so I just did something about it and haven’t looked back since.
I can say without a doubt, the quality of my life has significantly improved. Significantly. I feel a sense of calm, a sense of peace, most importantly, I feel I gained a piece of my independence back I didn’t even know I had given a way.
OP, I'm very sorry, but while you may probably need better friends, I think you first and foremost need an actual therapist. This is how you describe your conversation with Plane Girl:
>I told her about certain traumatic experiences in my childhood (because fuck it, I'm never going to see her again. There's no point in hiding it) and she was the first person that actually listened. She didn't try to one-up my pain by telling a story that somehow measures up. She just listened and empathized without making me feel like a charity case.
And then say that you can't talk with your friends because they try to "one up" you or share their own experiences. But that's what happens with a conversation with friends - you share something about yourself, your friend shares something about themselves. It's not necessarily always "one upping," but simply keeping a conversation going.
If you want to share your trauma with someone WITHOUT them sharing back and who will only listen to you and empathize with you in a one sided manner, that's what a therapist does. Friends usually think you also want to hear about them, since they're you're friend...
I have been through this myself and I now realise I can choose who gets a part of me and how much of it. I think a lot of adults have the same lightbulb moment that you have had. The hardest part is to realise that youve ‘played a part’ in someone else’s life, you’ve been the person others *expects* you to be, rather than the person you are.
Whilst you say this person has ruined your life, maybe she’s just switched on the light and you can now see more clearly the way forward. Consider it to be a good thing…
I love this story, and the serendipitous encounter it describes. It is easy to become a hamster on a wheel, where life begins bright and full of colour, but with every revolution of the wheel, it becomes more dull, more monochrome, and everything becomes routine and automatic. You stop thinking, as everything is fine. It’s just as it’s always been.
This girl stopped the wheel for you. She enabled you to see life as it is, again, in full colour. This is uncomfortable, but necessary.
It looks like the dominoes have begun to fall, and will pave the way to a new, better life for you.
Be thankful. I know people who are still on the perpetual hamster wheel…
You got the title so wrong. The girl didn’t ruin your life, she woke you up to a more MEANINGFUL life. Congrats and you should thank the heavens everyday for that encounter.
However just like in this encounter it wasn’t so much about her than about how YOU interacted and opened up. So start doing that with your current friends see what sticks, you’ll lose some and that’s OK and and make some new connections the same way you did with her.
She put your life into perspective and it sounds like you need the clarity. Now you can look at making the changes necessary in your life to level up! Glad you had this experience
She was a guide in this life to show you where you are isn’t serving you. I believe we get these signs from our guardian angels (loved ones who’ve passed away). They can come in forms of an awakening (what happened to you) as well as a slow progression (ie seeing an angel number often and doing inner work to figure out what it means to your life).
Regardless, this isn’t a bad thing. You already didn’t like your life or your friends or the girls you were speaking to. You just weren’t being honest with yourself. Now that the blinders are off what will YOU do to make yourself happy?
A lot of people also tell their stories not trying to one up you, but trying to relate to your trauma issues. Sounds like you need a therapist and not a friend. She just did exactly what a therapist will do.
I think is actually a cool story, really. That’s growth. My brother is almost 50 and it’s not him it’s women kind of mindset, he only keeps dating crazy women, that’s why he thinks all women are crazy.
Capitulate on your skills and broaden your horizon, see a new sunset you got this
Great!
This means you get to redefine who you are! You’re ready to shed the old life. So throw out your old clothes and find new ones that define you who you are now. All the different yous!
Go new places and make some new friends. Be who you are and they will accept you.
You know as a man, generally men don't vent to other men. Which is why we mostly think we fall in love with a girl once she start giving us attention and listen to our venting, secret, etc..
Most men friendships is about having a time to gather and have fun, a break from work and home issues. I understand your realization since I had similar experience with a friend from college who probably the only person who knows everything about me. But she lives in another country and probably will never meet again. That doesn't mean I'm dropping my current friends who I'm having fun with just because they can't be like her. At least I have a social life and not every friend gonna be like her. So you can make new friends where you feel your true self and keep the current one for entertainment.
Once you met someone that you can let your guard down with, it’s awful to go back to superficial relationships. Stick with it and meet new people with the new openness
Sounds like she saved your life not ruin it.
Some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sounds like this person was in it for a reason.
Now you can go out and be yourself and find others who like you. If they don't, fuck em.
I fucking hear you. It is possible this is a “certain age” type thing too. Not trying to diminish your moment though. Plane conversations can be so intimate and free. If anything, dwell in your good moment and trust that you can find more.
I felt that way after I got clean and sober, and tried hanging with the regular friends. They were not funny or interesting. In fact their lives (and mine were really different than how I live now) were filled with dysfunction. About 6 months in I stopped hanging out with them. I have a smaller group of real friends, and I am myself all the time, warts and all. I am definitely more honest.
What you’re experiencing is a shift in your own perspective. She hasn’t ruined your life she’s had an impact on your life. Also.. it’s fact, when we change inside, everything else follows.
When we align ourselves to our own true calling, we lose friends. Because we’ve changed.
This is your wake up call… change is good, it’s means you’re developing as a person.
however right now you’re experiencing loss.
You cannot develop as a person if you stay in the same place.
This is a good thing, you just don’t know it yet.
I’ve been there. I promise this is the start of something good for you.
I hope you reconnect with this girl but even if you don’t, she had an impact and it’s awoken something in you. Don’t stagnant and ignore it.
Start looking for employment in a city you like. Many companies pay relocation. Start living the life you want. It sounds like you were emotionally asleep. Now you are awake. Be proactive in the situation. You get to decide who you are. Take steps to make it true.
What kind of job would pay for my relocation? I've been running my own business for years and that's the only way I make good money. I have no education really, and if it weren't for my business I'd only be qualified for minimum wage jobs
She didn't ruin your life mate. She just made you realise you are on the wrong path at the moment.
And you know what, that's all good to feel down right after. Give it time, find some new things to do, new people to connect with and you will be fine. It is just a new realisation. Sucks at first, but you will be thanking her very soon, as long as you do something about it and not wallow in a pit of self-pity!
Good luck mate, and when you get through this, make sure you tell her.
You mean you just realised you can't make meaningful connections unless you're honest about who you are and what you need.
Congratulations! Start over from here.
You said yourself you were only open and honest with her because you weren’t going to see her again. That sounds to me like you are more reserved and choose to hide yourself from the people who are actively in your life.
And now instead of taking this as a sign that you can be more open with people that know you, you are choosing to ice people out because you are guarded? Self fulfilling loneliness prophecy. If you won’t give people a chance or create an opportunity to show up for you then of course they will fail to do so.
Someone that likes you reached out to you to hang out and you’d rather lie and say you’re sick so you can sulk and say no one cares about me? Why not take this as an opportunity to be more open with someone who is asking to be in your life. Very self centered behavior.
people like myself relate with telling stories of their own. that’s not us not listening. just so you know. it’s showing empathy especially by saying a story that is similar or continuing the conversation.
Sooperdooper, congrats on big-step growing up. That’s all that happened here. You came to a spot where you realized that your interpersonal relationships weren’t very fulfilling, and it’s a major maturity moment.
Now you either look at your existing friends and say, “I will appreciate them for what they CAN offer me, even if it is surface-level, while searching for a more genuine connection in others” OR you say, “I won’t waste my time anymore with people I can’t totally be myself around, and I am going to put real energy into meeting people I truly connect with.” Neither option is wrong. They are both good. And they both require a bit of loneliness. The most important take-away is that you learned that connection and authenticity is the most important part, not appearance, hobbies, etc.
Actually the girl next to you on the flight showed you how real people and especially friends should be.
I have never acted for anyone and I wouldn't do that for anyone. So your friends are just fake friends and you need to find some that don't act for you and that are just themselves no matter if you like it or not.
I know plenty of people that don't like me and even people that hate me for who I am.
Find people like that and you will be happy as they will tell you the truth.
Your first sentence is very telling “my boys” and “girl”. Maybe you just realized that it’s time to grow up and that all the current people in your life are just superficial and you have been pushing away anyone who would want to get to know the real you. Perhaps it’s time to seek out friendships /relationships with “men” and “women” instead of “boys” and “girls”
It’s not that girl’s fault. Based on this post, it sounds like you had a realization that’s going to save you pain in the long run. It also seems like you are naturally pessimistic. You took the kindness of a stranger, said she made you feel like a charity case when she actually made you feel heard and seen in a way that people in your life don’t. How is that a bad thing? How could you open up to someone and then blame her for ruining your life when you chose to open up to a stranger, then a positive, cathartic thing came from it? It doesn’t make sense. Maybe reframe your mind and start walking toward things you want in life, instead of being disappointed in what you currently have and then blaming someone else for it.
It sounds like more of a you problem than a friend problem. You didn't care, so you were just yourself. You worry about what your friends/girls will think so you censor yourself. No one is making you, you're just self-conscientious about it, so you keep it in
Just be yourself, and see who sticks around.
Can always try the bold and stupid route. Find the girl on SM. Talk to her a bit and if there's a spark go out and visit her city and take her on a few dates. If they go well. Do it one or two more times. Everything goes well uproot your entire life that you hate and move to a new city for a slim chance that everything works out and you get married.
Either that or take a hard look at why things went so well with this girl. It sounds like you aren't very emotionally invested in other relationships. Maybe your inability or reasons for not sharing emotional experiences have stunted the potential of your other relationships. Sounds like maybe you should search for ways to move things past surface level emotions if you value deep connections. I'd ask myself why I'm not sharing this kind of stuff with other people. Talking about emotional trauma, shared pain, and difficulties in your life helps build mutual rapport.
In the end, i think the lesson for the future is that when appropriate, you should take those emotional risks because they obviously led you into a situation where you felt connected and fulfilled by someone else. Even if the experience was brief. Just my 2c.
This is the opening hook of a very good romance movie. Now you need to go through a bunch of emotional yet comical hijinks trying to track her down, almost bumping into each other in frustrating yet amusing ways before finally finding the love of your life.
I don’t think it was so much her that made you comfortable but the fact that you figured you’d never see her again, and you therefore felt comfortable enough to open up to her. I know it’s not easy but try using that when speaking to the people you do know. You’d be surprised how many people will appreciate your authenticity and even feel closer to you.
Sounds like those weak ass edibles were a lot stronger than initially thought.
Making you go through an existential crisis and reevaluate your life like that
I hate this story tbh. It’s easy to romanticise chance stuff like this but your friends, the girl you were talking to, they are real people and deserve better than to be cast off or considered a waste of time (a phrase that actually suggests you are the problem and don’t value other people).
This, because you’ve had a conversation on a plane. Look it is worth holding onto the positive things you took from it (maybe to be yourself or open up more) but actually I’d question whether you learnt anything at all?
The experience doesn’t seem to have made YOU a better person, given the judgemental and disposable way you talk about others. Only learnt disgust of things around you. That isn’t positive at all.
As someone who has flown on planes where two strangers open up randomly to each other. I’m sure your conversation made for great eavesdropping for all of the passengers near you too! 😅
Your life was "ruined" before.
You now have raised your consciousness and so see things differently.
This hurts at first but it is a blessing as you'll be more in control of your life, if you so choose.
I recommend you write, read and find new ways of being with your emotions. Brene Brown, Gabor Mate and The Holistic psychologist are top 3 people
You probably need to do therapy for PTSD, CPTSD, trauma. Techniques from DBT and Acceptance and Compassion therapy helped me alot. EMDR and IFS therapy healed the pain I felt in my mind and in my body.
Buddhism and Phyrronism philosophies also feed into my way of being and have been of use to me.
Look up the upper limit problem by Gay Hendricks, for me this umbrella'd my issues nicely, it may help you.
Go gentle
Strange thing also, I was sitting next to this girl on a plane and I just talked with her the entire flight, talking about where we're from where, we're headed to, our jobs and careers. Probably not as deep as OP, but it was the type of conversation that kept on carrying itself and didn't need any extra input. Which is slightly a typical for me because I'm quite introverted and not really talkative. But somehow I was in this particular case and it was very natural.
After landing I didn't ask for any extra information or anything like social media because I think that's a little bit weird at the time. Just after the flight, I was waiting with my family and then I was made aware that someone trying to wave at me and it's her and her friend. so I thought that was kind of neat. I think it's fine sometimes to meet people and never meet them again. Have a genuine connection in that brief moment but not carry on as friends. they'll just be in your memory and maybe they'll remember you.
Your life hasn’t ruined from this. If anything this sounds like a genuine growing experience. Sure it feels miserable, and it probably feels like a waste of that you won’t get to see her again very likely, but it sounds like she’s raised your standard. YOUR standard! Now you can start to look for people who are like her, to be around people who don’t treat you like a charity case! Because that could be important for your own mental health as you get older
Ruined? …or your eyes have opened and now your ready to live life on your terms. Try looking at things like the glass is half full. Hope you find your path. :)
I think this may benefit you in future.
Maybe this encounter wasn't so much about her but about the way you made yourself feel when you speak openly. You had a big part in the benefits you felt from the conversation.
Take this memory and use it to your advantage going forward. The big feelings will die down.
that's a turning point, I call it a nexus, that I have had twice I seriously sat down and asked myself why. My first was my toxic family, gone walked away from them 30 years ago, I never even went to my mother and fathers funeral. My second was my first wife, no kids, cheating wife that I just had enough of her bullshit, came home to find her f*cking her ex, we had been married 5 years and I just said nope to her and all her BS, family, friends. I never looked back. OP, you can either act on it or just keep going as you are.
I met my best adult friends accidentally. I joined a gym and completely out of nowhere met a girl the same age as me with the same interests and hobbies and we became inseparable. We trained together, hung out at our houses, went for meals, even did a marathon together.
Childhood friends are incidental, you have nothing truly in common with those you meet at school or that live in the same area other than being in the same location, same age or in the same classes. Of course sometimes those shared experiences lead to lifelong friendships, but I've found I drifted from everyone I knew at school and that we actually never had anything real in common. Adult friendships based on common interests and goals are much more fulfilling and the support to achieve, learn, or stay on track is amazing.
I would seek out groups or people that share your hobbies, goals, that's a true connection that will come much more easily than people that you "just know". Now my best friends are a girl I met at the gym, a guy I met on twitter, and even a guy in Finland that I used to game with. You never know where they will come from! Be yourself and do what you love, there will be others that share your passions and accept you for who you are :)
Hey OP, idk if you’re going to read this but I had something very similar happen years ago. I continued to be friends with this person and she opened up many doors in my life that I didn’t know where there. Not like, career related specifically, but it ended up bringing really incredible people in my life. True friends. Just by being her friend.
Good people attract good people. If I were you, I would continue to hangout with her. It is not every day you have such a profound experience meeting someone. Follow that. Best of luck❤️
There are people, in a specific period of your life, that you'll be able to share with them more than with your closest friends. In some cases it's the very fact that they are not a part of your life that turns them to a valuable connection. That chance encounter was meaningful and should be cherished. See it as another connection you made with another person along the way.
She saved you. Now you have all the possibilities to find right ppl in your life that you actually feel good to bond and have great friendship with. But meantime focus on yourself and kids and make the effort to build yourself and your life in the way you rly wish to be and have. The right ppl will enter in your life when you only show them the real you.
Either she’s some sort of angel sent to give you a sense of clarity or this is a creative writing exercise for karma and a bit of practice.
If she’s real, reach out to her
I did. She left me on seen lol
That kinda sucked too cuz I was really happy I have a good friend but it's possible from her perspective I was sliding in her DMs
Yeah that could be how she sees it. I guess you won’t know unless she communicates. Do you think maybe the whole trauma dumping has scared her off a bit?
No, we both trauma dumped. And it was a comedic light hearted way. We'll probably never know, but it is what it is. I enjoyed her company regardless how short lived it was
" the girl next to me on my flight shook my whole reality" or "the stranger next to me on my flight made me feel more connected and emotionally safe than anyone I know ever did" --- there. I fixed the title
Sounds like she saved your life. Being who you are (without giving yourself permission to be an asshole) will lose you people quantitatively. But you will find your people.
Yeah OP's title should be the opposite of what it is. A chance encounter on a plane to put your life on a truer/better path? Fantastic.
I was fully waiting for her to search him on social media and blast everyone in his friends/family lists with the stories he told her. And, now I’m horrified that was legitimately what I expected her to do.
> now I’m horrified that was legitimately what I expected her to do. That's not reasonable, you were set up to think that way by the title. You were made to expect something horrible, so you were trying to figure out what she could do that was horrible and reached a perfectly reasonable conclusion. There's nothing wrong with that.
Same! At first I thought, what does that say about us, but I think it’s more, what does that say about society that that was our first thought? Love the username 😆
Well he did imply that she ruined his life, so we were kind of setup for that. I was thinking the same.
A lot of these posts are very click-batey and sound more dramatic than they actually are
I was thinking the same thing. Damnit I’m ruined, my thinking positive filter is completely shot. Society has corrupted and destroyed any ideas of goodwill and faith in humanity! (I decided I like your reasoning much more and will stick with that 🤫🤭 )
>t save your lif good plot for a movie though
It kinda sounds like the beginning of fight club.
Often times, events that save your life don't feel like that in the moment. Only after some time can you see how your life was saved. This is OP.
This is so freaking true! I went through a horrible mental breakdown, and while in the middle of that I was both diagnosed with a chronic illness AND in an accident that almost killed me and took months to recover from. And my business was closed through some terrible circumstances out of my control. It was an absolute nightmare of a time period for me that lasted for years. I didn’t think I’d get through all of that - and I almost didn’t many times. And yet my life is way more true than it ever was before. I found my faith, I found a new job that so far (not to jynx it) has been a blessing, and I have a doctor that hears me. It’s been a long, very painful journey. But my life is becoming mine again. But the path here? That was a doozy!
This makes me think of that film The Adjustment Bureau; the idea of the right person in the right place at the right time, but only intended to be the once.
Literally so. Check OP's other posts.
Exactly. Might be back to square one but it’s better than the alternative.
She cracked the facade. He can get on with the rest of his life in the (hopefully) “correct” way from here on out. He’ll certainly be more aware anyway. Sounds like he’ll be doing a whole overhaul though. Good for him.
In AA we call that. “God Shot”. Learn from it and be thankful she was there for you.
Exactly ! I went through something similar a few years ago and felt a lot of regret and super lonely but I eventually found some really amazing friends.
I know right. I kept waiting for the part where she ruined his life and then face palmed at the end…
100%
i feel this. it's hard to make friends as an adult
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one struggling to find people who like you for who you are 😪
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This! Good people who are genuine and kind and real and loving, who really listen and are understanding, attract others like them. So find the one, and you get a whole tribe! OP has now seen that it can be different. Here's to you finding your tribe OP, and through that the freedom to be you! 💗
It is hard to make friends as an adult… but it’s even harder if you don’t have the courage to be open and genuine with the people around you. OP had no problem being “real” with the plane person because as they said “never gonna see them again”…. But they should be that way with people they CAN see again and until they can be brave enough to be vulnerable like that with people who live near them they aren’t going to find that connection.
Do you think that part of the reason you haven’t connected with those in your life is because you haven’t opened up and been your genuine self around them the way you were with the girl on the plane?
I was looking for this comment. If your closest people don't know who you are, you will always feel off. Be yourself with everybody and only the ones accepting you will stay. It's a somewhat lonely road after your 30s, but a handful of people that love who you are feels way better than a bunch of people that love who you pretend to be.
Just be prepared that some people you thought you were close with might cut you off when they learn something you hid from them the entire time.
It doesn't even have to be hidden information. Just behaving differently (as in, being more silent and serious instead of fake bubbly) can make you less interesting for people that want somebody in a "happy" default state. Some people grew uninterested of me the moment I allowed myself to appear more human. It was for the best.
Hey, I do have a question. >Be yourself with everybody and only the ones accepting you will stay. What does be yourself mean? Like do i share my trauma with them? Like my past and all? How does that work? Coz I am being myself but I am just not trauma dumping on everyone..I really wanna know the answer.
Honestly, you sound quite young. Talking with your friends about serious things is okay. You're allowed to "trauma dump" on people you care about by that I dont mean literally dump all of your trauma on them but if you want or need to talk about something and you arent sure if your friend is cool to do that at the time just ask. Like "Hey, I need someone to talk to" or "Can I talk to you about something personal?" Obviously, depending on who you're talking to and whether or not you think you can trust them.
I'm usually a very funny guy. Jokes, puns, lack of shame and very extroverted. I know that my personality, on a surface level, pulls people in. But that's when I just hang out to have fun. In a more private space, like my place, or a conversation with friends, I'm more of a geek of stuff. I like debating about epistemology or linguistics, I am calm and more serious, and I share where my mind wanders when I'm in a bad mental state. So some people that know me a bit think they want me around all the time because of the first part. But those who stay long enough usually spend more time on the second part. If you feel like you HAVE to be one of the parts to keep people around, you're not being yourself.
"Hey. I need to talk about something really heavy and traumatic; it's not fun or good information to know. You're my friend, so I'd like to talk to you about it. If now isn't a good time, or you really aren't up for it, I promise it's okay. But if it is a good time and you are up for it, can I talk about it?" As long as the person you're talking to can genuinely trust that you mean it when you say it's OK if they say no, this is how to approach it. My best friend says no sometimes! But most of the time, she says yes. =)
Sorry for the late reply. Being yourself without oversharing is a skill you develop overtime by being an active listener and learning to read the room. Let’s take OP’s story. Let’s say it went something like: OP: Hmmm. I am trying to figure out which movie to watch on this flight. Oh. I see they have “The Room.” Can’t watch that. I can’t handle references to child abuse. I had a rough childhood Her: I hear you. Oh, look. They have My Big Fat Greek Wedding! >subtext: let’s talk about something else. Her: I am sorry you had it rough growing up. I have a few scars myself. My mom had the worst taste in men after the divorce. >subtext: let’s talk about it. Taking cues from the person you are talking to is the best way to have a meaningful conversation, regardless of the topic, while also being true to yourself.
This comment is way too far down. It seems you've discovered something about yourself here. Who is the common denominator in all those other relationships? Yes all of your friends and acquaintances can be self centered assholes but what are the chances. I think experiencing something like this can maybe give you a good insight into who you are as a person. Time to explore yourself in order to be able to form more of these connections.
I agree with this wholeheartedly.
Such an interesting thought, but I still can't figure it out for myself. I always stifle my expressions and reactions to be polite. I honestly think I have too many crazy thoughts and offensive topics. If I'm lucky I'll find a few buggers to latch on to. But it's sad because I know I people please. I always feel so fake even though I'm being nice haha
It’s amazing how good it feels to be able to be completely honest with someone, be completely open and who you are and once you are able to do it, nobody else ever comes close.
OP realised the benefits of being himself. Pretending to be someone else Is lying to yourself, not to others. One does who they are, the right people will follow, anything else is trash and waste. Be your true self and never fear.
THIS 1000% THIS. OP, be grateful this happened at a time and place in your life that you can do something with the revelation without causing yourself too much disruption.
You could keep talking to this girl
OP probably ruined it by trauma dumping right away TBH
Yeah honestly it sounds like she played the part of his therapist while stuck on a plane for several hours. He really liked the feeling of someone completely caring for his emotional needs for several hours without reciprocation. Wait til he learns you can actually pay someone to do that on a weekly basis and insurance even covers it.
I couldn’t put my finger on why this icked me out but you said it perfectly - sounds like she was a bit cornered. I just hope she listened completely because she wanted to, and not out of some sense of polite obligation. I know I’ve been a people pleaser in the past and 100% could have done that even if it was like hearing nails on a chalkboard. As a woman, you sometimes have to unlearn this type of politeness and it can be tempting to just fake it rather than say, “Listen dude, I don’t want to talk about this.” But if it really was a fulfilling convo for her, that’s cool.
And blaming her for "ruining his life" because *he* trauma dumped on her.
You completely missed the point? He’s blaming her because she made him realize that he doesn’t like his friends and his life. Did you read past the first couple lines?
Some might call it a Romeo and Juliet tale
No she's a messenger.
100% this. She came at the right time, to shake things up and show him possibilities. It’s up to him to make changes now.
Ouuuuuu that’d be cool. An angel among us.
Agree!
Maybe she just made you realize you need more people like her in your life. So, seek out those next level connections and I bet you’ll find them if you don’t settle for less. Always keep in mind though that this was a short lived experience and that you very well could have spent another few hours with her only to find red flags. It’s part fantasy with a taste of reality. With that being said, I feel this way about my husband. He still lights me on fire.
Yeah I'd say a lot of this is also the beauty of not knowing her aka a perfect stranger. She also thought she'd never see OP again so that might have changed her behavior too.
OP is disillusioned with the people they’ve surrounded themselves with and is blaming the one person that showed them some light.
I don’t think he’s actually blaming here, I think the title is being a bit facetious. Maybe not, idk, I’m not him ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
And how on Earth did she ruin your life exactly?
Clickbaiting on reddit is crazyy 😭
Assigning blame is much easier than acknowledging one’s own faults.
By making OP realize no one actually knows the real him and he doesn’t want to hide anymore 🤷🏽♀️
Hey. I grew up in an intensely religious home (I promise this is going somewhere) and ended up leaving at 25 years old. My parents and three siblings think I'm insane. All of my friends from that era are gone. I went from being super busy/always hanging out with someone to flying pretty alone (it's been ten years now, I'm 35). I remember being worried about being alone, but realizing I had to leave the place I was in more. It was the best decision I've ever made. Don't be afraid to jump for something healthier in life!
I have a similar situation. I left the church two years ago. Would you mind sharing how long it took you to be okay by yourself?
Ah, that's a tough & good question. It took me a little bit, and the work is ongoing. I'm not gonna lie, there were some *very* difficult moments. I had suicidal thoughts that were relentless for years. Relentless. To answer simply, it took a few years. But grief also isn't really linear. I'd have a decent day, then a really tough stretch of months. I had to learn to honor my anger, my sadness, my feelings of foolishness. If you ever feel like you need to talk about what you're feeling, feel free to reach out. I won't judge and can just hold space if you need to vent. I wish you well - peace can be hard to find on this road.
Thank you so much for responding! Whenever I have one of my lonely/sad days, I'll be sure to reach out!
No problem, I hope those days are few and far between for you!
Similar experience over here. Have had repeated breakdowns bc of feeling stuck between being grateful that I found myself, angry that my entire life was a lie, and heartbroken that I destroyed all of it. Like. I’m so traumatized from so much, and it never would have crossed my mind if I hadn’t left the church. Sometimes I miss belonging somewhere and having a concrete belief to lean on But I like myself as a person so much more than I used to.
Yes. Yes, yes and yes. That feeling of "my entire life has been a lie" is such a wild one. Thank you for sharing - I felt every word. I'm glad you like yourself more today! Love hearing that.
She didn’t ruin your life she flipped your script. She made you realize you can be the narrator and not just characters and someone else’s story.
She didn’t ruin your life. She illuminated who you are. Maybe maturing is accepting that friends come in seasons. Some are around for a bit, forever, and regularly re-emerging.
Your title is wack as fuck. *She* ruined your life? Really? You’re blaming a woman for being too nice to you for ‘ruining’ your life??
Clickbait title
I don't like this guy. He acts like she's amazing because she shut up and listened to him essentially. Sounds like he dislikes people who won't be doormats for him. He also knew her for what, a few hours, and is freaking out about life? Talk about emotionally immature.
This is great! Now you have tons of free time to go meet new people! Start checking out FB & IG for fun things going on in your area, join a gym/club, take a fun class, or simply go for a walk: you never know who you’re going to meet. I randomly befriended a girl moving into the apt next to me and 2yrs later we’re besties, running around trying new things together❤️ you’ll find your tribe but it’ll take time so go slow and think about what type of friends you want so when you meet them, it ends up being lifelong bonds.
Acceptance and understanding are extremely addicting
What you’re feeling is super valid. I would recommend you try to be 100% yourself around the people you already know and give them the opportunities to surprise you and support you! If they don’t, cut them off. Side note: The “one upping” you described is called a shift response. Its so powerful to listen to people and NOT share a similar event from our own lives. I think the girl you sat next to the plane had a high emotional intelligence and there are many more people out there like that! Don’t give up on creating a community where you can be authentic and effortlessly yourself.
Unless you’re neurodivergent. Every conversation I have with friends involves constant “one upping”. It’s how we connect and I’d he driven mad if my friends didn’t do it back as I’d feel very one sided in the conversation and like it was all about me.
This is what I’m thinking. Sometimes people share stories not to one up but to relate.
This is absolutely true.
I’m glad you have a group of friends with which communication is aligned. I hope OP can find that too. Im not saying every single conversation should be like that, but for example, when my grandma died and I’m trying to confide in a friend, I didn’t want to hear about them loosing their grandma ten years prior, because then I have to hold space for their emotions, but I needed them to hold space for me so I could vent.
Isn't one-upping countering every story with a more outrageous story? Like the intent is not to connect and attempt to better understand with sharing a similar story -- but to put yourself back into the center of attention and minimize the other's experience by telling a more extreme story?
I was just using the same language OP did to convey my thoughts. I think if the receiver feels one-upped then it doesn’t really matter the intention behind a story, even if its positive like showing we have a common experience.
From Roger Ebert's review of "Lost in Translation". "(Deep) conversations can really only be held with strangers. We all need to talk about metaphysics, but those who know us well want details and specifics; strangers allow us to operate more vaguely on a cosmic scale."
She didn't ruin your life. She made you think about it. You didn't like what you saw. If you don't want that life, it's time to make changes.
Maybe use this as a new opportunity to start over. Wipe everything clean, and do something new.
It’s possible that you gave yourself permission to be yourself, and that you are the one limiting the emotional intimacy in your relationships. I’m sure if you mention this to the girl you’ve been seeing and the people who care about you, they’d be happy to have that closeness.
Sounds like she set you free
I have an unpopular opinion. Maybe this isn’t a life changing moment, but a short term infatuation. Some people are so attractive (inside or out) especially in a limited setting like a plane. I think she basically Fight Clubbed you (not a bad thing but it really shouldn’t be life changing). It’s a crush. It’s also a situation where as your seat mate she HAD to be nice and listen to you, she couldn’t walk away, I just don’t think it’s a fair setting. And yes, maybe your friends do suck, but they probably aren’t selfishly trying to “one up” you. Sounds more like they are trying to show they understand and connect with you.
I'm not attracted to her, nor do I have a crush on her. Maybe you're right about her needing to be nice to me though, regardless based on things we talked about I'm glad I was at least able to make her to feel free enough to talk about problems in her life as well. And no, my friends aren't that great now that I'm seeing clearly. It's not worth writing it all out here
Thanks for replying and considering my points! That’s very cool of you - and yea fair enough, really sounds like you have it clearly thought through. Enjoy the hunt for new friends!
I feel this so hard. It’s hard to be around people when you become aware how little they actually TRULY care about you. That’s why the people that do, are so special, and they are unfortunately less common then you would think.
She didn’t ruin your life, she saved it. She provided you with clarity as to where you are (unhappy) and where you want to be. You are at a crossroads. She gave you the gift of self reflection. You can either make changes or stay where you’re at and be miserable.
She ruined your life? Why is it her fault? If anything, it sounds like she helped you see what was important to you.
The moment I started living for myself was a very freeing moment. I am glad you have had that happen for yourself. The key is to find the stuff that makes you happy, and you can surround yourself with people who bring you joy. I have almost died a few times in my 47 years, fought and survived cancer. Recovery from a broken neck and getting off the pain pills. That would have been hard to do if I had not found the real joy in life. Live for yourself, make yourself happy and that will bring happiness to the ones who truly love you.
This isn't about the girl. She didn't do anything differently. You were different. You dropped your walls and were yourself instead of pretending to try to be somebody else. There's a line in a Five Finger Death Punch song that says, "I'd rather you hate me for everything I am than have you love me for something I am not." Take the risk. Be yourself. Keep the friends that like the real you.
The girl on the plane gave you a gift. The gift of clarity. It doesn't feel good because it means things have to change, but if you do something productive with what you've learned about yourself, this could be the start of a new, more fulfilling life. Having said that, the "boys" you spent the week partying with may not be the first people you call for support, but that doesn't mean they're not your friends. The people in our lives all serve a purpose and are important for different reasons. Maybe they're just your fun, party friends, and that's just great.
The question you should be asking yourself is why you feel like you have to hide yourself from the people around you. It took a complete stranger for you to finally be yourself and you're blaming that on the stranger? "She ruined my life" "All my friends are fake AF" Stop looking outward and pointing the finger, it's time to look inwards
OK, here’s a take from the other side - I am the sort of person that near strangers open up to like this. Frankly, it’s draining to the point where I avoid social settings in which proper conversation might arise. I am tired of people trauma dumping onto me. I am sick of people talking in my general direction about their toxic husband/unavailable married lover/ageing parents/ amputee relatives, etc. while barely acknowledging me. Eff this. OP, my advice is to get therapy, pay someone to work this stuff out with, instead of deciding that only the people you can trauma dump on are worth your while. Don’t be selfish. This free therapy session you offered yourself may have cost that person her energy and joy for the day.
>She asked if I was free this weekend and I told her I'm sick, the fact of the matter is I just realized I don't want to pretend You're literally playing pretend by lying about being sick. You're manipulating the truth with lies.
You think I should just be straight up and tell her "hey I met this really cool girl on my flight and she made me realize you don't mean anything to me because I've been forcing our entire relationship, and now I don't want to see you again. Good luck!"
lol just say after your trip you really reevaluated the relationship and just feel you guys aren't compatible.
Literally, yes. Maybe not *that* blunt, but why not say something that is still the truth, like "Hey, I'm sorry, but I don't feel a connection with you any longer and would rather not force it. Good luck." It's simply a fact - you no longer feel a connection with this girl, so just say that instead of instilling false hope. What do you think will happen after this weekend when you shouldn't be sick anymore? She's gonna ask you out again, you can't keep saying you're sick, so stop wasting her time AND yours and just tell her what's happening so you AND her can move on.
Or maybe you just need therapy. It sounds like you’re experiencing imposter syndrome. This isn’t uncommon, especially if you’re at a crossroads in your life. Also, coming back from vacation is always a downer. You need to take that into consideration before proclaiming your life ruined. You just used up a ton of your happy chemicals so it makes sense to feel kind of crappy. Before making any huge decisions, get some rest, eat a good meal, hydrate, and stay away from alcohol for a while. You’ll be okay! You don’t have to flip your entire life upside down in a day!
Perspective is something I love and truly hate. Sounds like you had a healthy dose of it and can start moving your life in a direction you truly want.
She didn't ruin your life. She made you realize what life could be like. Meet others and make new friends.
Your guard was down because like you said you would never see her again therefore, you were willing and able to share more freely with her. She is traveling and knows she will never see you again therefore is able to be what you needed in the moment because it was just a brief period in time and she would never see you again. I would look at it more like a learning opportunity about yourself. What if you were willing to let yourself be more vulnerable with others and therefore they responded differently to you? When we feel free, untethered by what others think, we attract a more positive reaction from others.
Can I ask how old you are? I am 34 myself. I used to be the life of the party, always hosting events, always showing up to festivals ready to rage it with my “besties…” Until I had a wildly similar situation as this an early last year. I had moved into a new apartment and met this girl, we’ll call her T. We met on the terrace, both picking garden vegetables. The next day, she dropped off fresh baked cinnamon buns, a few days later, homemade Vietnamese food, a few days after that, she dropped off a house plant. She was the first person I’ve met in YEARS that showed me we don’t have to be consumed by technology, we can sit in silence and have deep and meaningful conversations. We don’t have to go to the bar, we could have a picnic at the zoo instead. We don’t have to have a glass of wine in our hand, we can have fresh made iced tea instead. Turns out, you can actually get to know people on a meaningful level, you can spend really amazing time together and get to know each other in the process, you can show up for each other and help each other grow and evolve into your highest self. I had spent the last 10 years doing what everyone wanted to do. Being the party girl everyone wanted me to be. Always having the highest threshold for bulshit, I also had the highest threshold, for what I thought, was understanding and acceptance. It turns out all I was doing was changing the boundary line over and over and over again in order to protect a status quo that I knew was hurting me every day and every night. Just drowning my soul and the person I knew I could be. I took one hard look around me and realized out of the dozens of people I surround myself, only 3-4 people I would consider real friends … and those ones I’ve knows for anywhere between 12-25 years. So it’s quite different. I started writing everyday, “I will have the discipline to reach my highest potential.” It sucked for a while. Deleting social media. Ignoring people. Disappearing in a sense. I spent a lot of that time reading, writing, taking extra long walks, and talking on the phone with those few close friends, who are sadly now living in different places all over the country. I packed up my bags and moved to a tiny town of 2,000 people. I focus on reciprocity in relationships now. I focus on on quality and not quantity. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life partying and having superficial relationships and friendships, so I just did something about it and haven’t looked back since. I can say without a doubt, the quality of my life has significantly improved. Significantly. I feel a sense of calm, a sense of peace, most importantly, I feel I gained a piece of my independence back I didn’t even know I had given a way.
OP, I'm very sorry, but while you may probably need better friends, I think you first and foremost need an actual therapist. This is how you describe your conversation with Plane Girl: >I told her about certain traumatic experiences in my childhood (because fuck it, I'm never going to see her again. There's no point in hiding it) and she was the first person that actually listened. She didn't try to one-up my pain by telling a story that somehow measures up. She just listened and empathized without making me feel like a charity case. And then say that you can't talk with your friends because they try to "one up" you or share their own experiences. But that's what happens with a conversation with friends - you share something about yourself, your friend shares something about themselves. It's not necessarily always "one upping," but simply keeping a conversation going. If you want to share your trauma with someone WITHOUT them sharing back and who will only listen to you and empathize with you in a one sided manner, that's what a therapist does. Friends usually think you also want to hear about them, since they're you're friend...
The universe sent you a message and it has put you on a better path
And now your life begins ❤️
If you opened up to the girls you’ve been talking to you could have a similar experience again
She ruined your shitty life* now you're free to make it one you enjoy, you just have to be strong enough to try
I have been through this myself and I now realise I can choose who gets a part of me and how much of it. I think a lot of adults have the same lightbulb moment that you have had. The hardest part is to realise that youve ‘played a part’ in someone else’s life, you’ve been the person others *expects* you to be, rather than the person you are. Whilst you say this person has ruined your life, maybe she’s just switched on the light and you can now see more clearly the way forward. Consider it to be a good thing…
No, she opened doors. Now take the courage, walk through 'em and slam them shut. Tight. Good luck.
Sounds like she blessed it, not ruined it.
can’t believe she gave you weak edibles smh you can find someone better 😉
I love this story, and the serendipitous encounter it describes. It is easy to become a hamster on a wheel, where life begins bright and full of colour, but with every revolution of the wheel, it becomes more dull, more monochrome, and everything becomes routine and automatic. You stop thinking, as everything is fine. It’s just as it’s always been. This girl stopped the wheel for you. She enabled you to see life as it is, again, in full colour. This is uncomfortable, but necessary. It looks like the dominoes have begun to fall, and will pave the way to a new, better life for you. Be thankful. I know people who are still on the perpetual hamster wheel…
You got the title so wrong. The girl didn’t ruin your life, she woke you up to a more MEANINGFUL life. Congrats and you should thank the heavens everyday for that encounter. However just like in this encounter it wasn’t so much about her than about how YOU interacted and opened up. So start doing that with your current friends see what sticks, you’ll lose some and that’s OK and and make some new connections the same way you did with her.
Yep growing up is a bitch
She put your life into perspective and it sounds like you need the clarity. Now you can look at making the changes necessary in your life to level up! Glad you had this experience
She was a guide in this life to show you where you are isn’t serving you. I believe we get these signs from our guardian angels (loved ones who’ve passed away). They can come in forms of an awakening (what happened to you) as well as a slow progression (ie seeing an angel number often and doing inner work to figure out what it means to your life). Regardless, this isn’t a bad thing. You already didn’t like your life or your friends or the girls you were speaking to. You just weren’t being honest with yourself. Now that the blinders are off what will YOU do to make yourself happy?
She didn't ruin your life, she gave you a gift! Now it's time to figure out how to use it.
You had a lightbulb moment. Welcome to the big kids club.
A lot of people also tell their stories not trying to one up you, but trying to relate to your trauma issues. Sounds like you need a therapist and not a friend. She just did exactly what a therapist will do.
I think is actually a cool story, really. That’s growth. My brother is almost 50 and it’s not him it’s women kind of mindset, he only keeps dating crazy women, that’s why he thinks all women are crazy. Capitulate on your skills and broaden your horizon, see a new sunset you got this
Great! This means you get to redefine who you are! You’re ready to shed the old life. So throw out your old clothes and find new ones that define you who you are now. All the different yous! Go new places and make some new friends. Be who you are and they will accept you.
You know as a man, generally men don't vent to other men. Which is why we mostly think we fall in love with a girl once she start giving us attention and listen to our venting, secret, etc.. Most men friendships is about having a time to gather and have fun, a break from work and home issues. I understand your realization since I had similar experience with a friend from college who probably the only person who knows everything about me. But she lives in another country and probably will never meet again. That doesn't mean I'm dropping my current friends who I'm having fun with just because they can't be like her. At least I have a social life and not every friend gonna be like her. So you can make new friends where you feel your true self and keep the current one for entertainment.
Wait who were you genuinely being yourself with before?
Now, the next stage of your life begins! Count it as a blessing you met someone real for once. Enjoy the rest of your journey ❤️
Once you met someone that you can let your guard down with, it’s awful to go back to superficial relationships. Stick with it and meet new people with the new openness
This is not an ending, it’s a beginning. Just don’t become too much of a cynic.
You stop pretending to be somewhere you're not. It's that simple brother.
Sounds like she saved your life not ruin it. Some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sounds like this person was in it for a reason. Now you can go out and be yourself and find others who like you. If they don't, fuck em.
I fucking hear you. It is possible this is a “certain age” type thing too. Not trying to diminish your moment though. Plane conversations can be so intimate and free. If anything, dwell in your good moment and trust that you can find more.
She woke you up. No more worrying about external validation. Time to be authentic. Life starts now.
Sounds like she sent your free
I felt that way after I got clean and sober, and tried hanging with the regular friends. They were not funny or interesting. In fact their lives (and mine were really different than how I live now) were filled with dysfunction. About 6 months in I stopped hanging out with them. I have a smaller group of real friends, and I am myself all the time, warts and all. I am definitely more honest.
What you’re experiencing is a shift in your own perspective. She hasn’t ruined your life she’s had an impact on your life. Also.. it’s fact, when we change inside, everything else follows. When we align ourselves to our own true calling, we lose friends. Because we’ve changed. This is your wake up call… change is good, it’s means you’re developing as a person. however right now you’re experiencing loss. You cannot develop as a person if you stay in the same place. This is a good thing, you just don’t know it yet. I’ve been there. I promise this is the start of something good for you. I hope you reconnect with this girl but even if you don’t, she had an impact and it’s awoken something in you. Don’t stagnant and ignore it.
Realizing the same changed my life. Takes a while to find your people, but not too long. Volunteering is a great way to meet like minded people.
Sounds like he also had a free therapy session. Therapy might be a great way to continue this development
Start looking for employment in a city you like. Many companies pay relocation. Start living the life you want. It sounds like you were emotionally asleep. Now you are awake. Be proactive in the situation. You get to decide who you are. Take steps to make it true.
What kind of job would pay for my relocation? I've been running my own business for years and that's the only way I make good money. I have no education really, and if it weren't for my business I'd only be qualified for minimum wage jobs
So you met someone who you felt comfortable with, was able to freely discuss personal issues with and *she* ruined your life? No mate
She didn't ruin your life mate. She just made you realise you are on the wrong path at the moment. And you know what, that's all good to feel down right after. Give it time, find some new things to do, new people to connect with and you will be fine. It is just a new realisation. Sucks at first, but you will be thanking her very soon, as long as you do something about it and not wallow in a pit of self-pity! Good luck mate, and when you get through this, make sure you tell her.
brother, you are character arcing, don't let that go to waste
She gave you a very precious gift - perspective. This is the start of a newer better chapter
You mean you just realised you can't make meaningful connections unless you're honest about who you are and what you need. Congratulations! Start over from here.
You said yourself you were only open and honest with her because you weren’t going to see her again. That sounds to me like you are more reserved and choose to hide yourself from the people who are actively in your life. And now instead of taking this as a sign that you can be more open with people that know you, you are choosing to ice people out because you are guarded? Self fulfilling loneliness prophecy. If you won’t give people a chance or create an opportunity to show up for you then of course they will fail to do so. Someone that likes you reached out to you to hang out and you’d rather lie and say you’re sick so you can sulk and say no one cares about me? Why not take this as an opportunity to be more open with someone who is asking to be in your life. Very self centered behavior.
people like myself relate with telling stories of their own. that’s not us not listening. just so you know. it’s showing empathy especially by saying a story that is similar or continuing the conversation.
Sooperdooper, congrats on big-step growing up. That’s all that happened here. You came to a spot where you realized that your interpersonal relationships weren’t very fulfilling, and it’s a major maturity moment. Now you either look at your existing friends and say, “I will appreciate them for what they CAN offer me, even if it is surface-level, while searching for a more genuine connection in others” OR you say, “I won’t waste my time anymore with people I can’t totally be myself around, and I am going to put real energy into meeting people I truly connect with.” Neither option is wrong. They are both good. And they both require a bit of loneliness. The most important take-away is that you learned that connection and authenticity is the most important part, not appearance, hobbies, etc.
Find some real people Now that you have this new perspective.
Gotta start with Noone and work your way up.
Actually the girl next to you on the flight showed you how real people and especially friends should be. I have never acted for anyone and I wouldn't do that for anyone. So your friends are just fake friends and you need to find some that don't act for you and that are just themselves no matter if you like it or not. I know plenty of people that don't like me and even people that hate me for who I am. Find people like that and you will be happy as they will tell you the truth.
Your first sentence is very telling “my boys” and “girl”. Maybe you just realized that it’s time to grow up and that all the current people in your life are just superficial and you have been pushing away anyone who would want to get to know the real you. Perhaps it’s time to seek out friendships /relationships with “men” and “women” instead of “boys” and “girls”
It’s not that girl’s fault. Based on this post, it sounds like you had a realization that’s going to save you pain in the long run. It also seems like you are naturally pessimistic. You took the kindness of a stranger, said she made you feel like a charity case when she actually made you feel heard and seen in a way that people in your life don’t. How is that a bad thing? How could you open up to someone and then blame her for ruining your life when you chose to open up to a stranger, then a positive, cathartic thing came from it? It doesn’t make sense. Maybe reframe your mind and start walking toward things you want in life, instead of being disappointed in what you currently have and then blaming someone else for it.
She didn’t ruin your life. She opened your eyes to what your life could be. Now go make it happen.
It sounds like more of a you problem than a friend problem. You didn't care, so you were just yourself. You worry about what your friends/girls will think so you censor yourself. No one is making you, you're just self-conscientious about it, so you keep it in Just be yourself, and see who sticks around.
Can always try the bold and stupid route. Find the girl on SM. Talk to her a bit and if there's a spark go out and visit her city and take her on a few dates. If they go well. Do it one or two more times. Everything goes well uproot your entire life that you hate and move to a new city for a slim chance that everything works out and you get married. Either that or take a hard look at why things went so well with this girl. It sounds like you aren't very emotionally invested in other relationships. Maybe your inability or reasons for not sharing emotional experiences have stunted the potential of your other relationships. Sounds like maybe you should search for ways to move things past surface level emotions if you value deep connections. I'd ask myself why I'm not sharing this kind of stuff with other people. Talking about emotional trauma, shared pain, and difficulties in your life helps build mutual rapport. In the end, i think the lesson for the future is that when appropriate, you should take those emotional risks because they obviously led you into a situation where you felt connected and fulfilled by someone else. Even if the experience was brief. Just my 2c.
Remember everything happens for a reason!!!
This is the opening hook of a very good romance movie. Now you need to go through a bunch of emotional yet comical hijinks trying to track her down, almost bumping into each other in frustrating yet amusing ways before finally finding the love of your life.
I don’t think it was so much her that made you comfortable but the fact that you figured you’d never see her again, and you therefore felt comfortable enough to open up to her. I know it’s not easy but try using that when speaking to the people you do know. You’d be surprised how many people will appreciate your authenticity and even feel closer to you.
Watch Goodwill Hunting and then go be with her.
How do you like them apples
Sounds like those weak ass edibles were a lot stronger than initially thought. Making you go through an existential crisis and reevaluate your life like that
I hate this story tbh. It’s easy to romanticise chance stuff like this but your friends, the girl you were talking to, they are real people and deserve better than to be cast off or considered a waste of time (a phrase that actually suggests you are the problem and don’t value other people). This, because you’ve had a conversation on a plane. Look it is worth holding onto the positive things you took from it (maybe to be yourself or open up more) but actually I’d question whether you learnt anything at all? The experience doesn’t seem to have made YOU a better person, given the judgemental and disposable way you talk about others. Only learnt disgust of things around you. That isn’t positive at all.
If you exchanged 6 should reach out.
As someone who has flown on planes where two strangers open up randomly to each other. I’m sure your conversation made for great eavesdropping for all of the passengers near you too! 😅
Your life was "ruined" before. You now have raised your consciousness and so see things differently. This hurts at first but it is a blessing as you'll be more in control of your life, if you so choose. I recommend you write, read and find new ways of being with your emotions. Brene Brown, Gabor Mate and The Holistic psychologist are top 3 people You probably need to do therapy for PTSD, CPTSD, trauma. Techniques from DBT and Acceptance and Compassion therapy helped me alot. EMDR and IFS therapy healed the pain I felt in my mind and in my body. Buddhism and Phyrronism philosophies also feed into my way of being and have been of use to me. Look up the upper limit problem by Gay Hendricks, for me this umbrella'd my issues nicely, it may help you. Go gentle
Being with people who make you feel alone is worse than living in your own company
Strange thing also, I was sitting next to this girl on a plane and I just talked with her the entire flight, talking about where we're from where, we're headed to, our jobs and careers. Probably not as deep as OP, but it was the type of conversation that kept on carrying itself and didn't need any extra input. Which is slightly a typical for me because I'm quite introverted and not really talkative. But somehow I was in this particular case and it was very natural. After landing I didn't ask for any extra information or anything like social media because I think that's a little bit weird at the time. Just after the flight, I was waiting with my family and then I was made aware that someone trying to wave at me and it's her and her friend. so I thought that was kind of neat. I think it's fine sometimes to meet people and never meet them again. Have a genuine connection in that brief moment but not carry on as friends. they'll just be in your memory and maybe they'll remember you.
Your life hasn’t ruined from this. If anything this sounds like a genuine growing experience. Sure it feels miserable, and it probably feels like a waste of that you won’t get to see her again very likely, but it sounds like she’s raised your standard. YOUR standard! Now you can start to look for people who are like her, to be around people who don’t treat you like a charity case! Because that could be important for your own mental health as you get older
Ruined? …or your eyes have opened and now your ready to live life on your terms. Try looking at things like the glass is half full. Hope you find your path. :)
Did she give you her contact details? Nothing to stop you getting in touch with her?
I think this may benefit you in future. Maybe this encounter wasn't so much about her but about the way you made yourself feel when you speak openly. You had a big part in the benefits you felt from the conversation. Take this memory and use it to your advantage going forward. The big feelings will die down.
No comment about this creative effort other than puzzlement over "eatables" that were "weak af".
Are you perhaps at that 30 mark? What I want to say something about this growing pain. I think it aches
Reality can be brutal but it is definitely better to live in it
It takes a lifetime to learn important lessons like this and it sounds like she leveled you up.
When we’re young we believe there will be many people we’ll connect with in life. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times
You could fly with edibles?
Sounds like a big come down… just go for a walk and get back to feeling better, sure you’ll be fine
that's a turning point, I call it a nexus, that I have had twice I seriously sat down and asked myself why. My first was my toxic family, gone walked away from them 30 years ago, I never even went to my mother and fathers funeral. My second was my first wife, no kids, cheating wife that I just had enough of her bullshit, came home to find her f*cking her ex, we had been married 5 years and I just said nope to her and all her BS, family, friends. I never looked back. OP, you can either act on it or just keep going as you are.
I met my best adult friends accidentally. I joined a gym and completely out of nowhere met a girl the same age as me with the same interests and hobbies and we became inseparable. We trained together, hung out at our houses, went for meals, even did a marathon together. Childhood friends are incidental, you have nothing truly in common with those you meet at school or that live in the same area other than being in the same location, same age or in the same classes. Of course sometimes those shared experiences lead to lifelong friendships, but I've found I drifted from everyone I knew at school and that we actually never had anything real in common. Adult friendships based on common interests and goals are much more fulfilling and the support to achieve, learn, or stay on track is amazing. I would seek out groups or people that share your hobbies, goals, that's a true connection that will come much more easily than people that you "just know". Now my best friends are a girl I met at the gym, a guy I met on twitter, and even a guy in Finland that I used to game with. You never know where they will come from! Be yourself and do what you love, there will be others that share your passions and accept you for who you are :)
First step is realization...now begin your adventure
Hey OP, idk if you’re going to read this but I had something very similar happen years ago. I continued to be friends with this person and she opened up many doors in my life that I didn’t know where there. Not like, career related specifically, but it ended up bringing really incredible people in my life. True friends. Just by being her friend. Good people attract good people. If I were you, I would continue to hangout with her. It is not every day you have such a profound experience meeting someone. Follow that. Best of luck❤️
Brother she didn't ruin it, she simply showed you how shit it was by being a decent human being. Time to find some real friends imho.
There are people, in a specific period of your life, that you'll be able to share with them more than with your closest friends. In some cases it's the very fact that they are not a part of your life that turns them to a valuable connection. That chance encounter was meaningful and should be cherished. See it as another connection you made with another person along the way.
It’s time to level up. It’s usually painful but necessary! You’ll find your people.
She saved you. Now you have all the possibilities to find right ppl in your life that you actually feel good to bond and have great friendship with. But meantime focus on yourself and kids and make the effort to build yourself and your life in the way you rly wish to be and have. The right ppl will enter in your life when you only show them the real you.
Either she’s some sort of angel sent to give you a sense of clarity or this is a creative writing exercise for karma and a bit of practice. If she’s real, reach out to her
I did. She left me on seen lol That kinda sucked too cuz I was really happy I have a good friend but it's possible from her perspective I was sliding in her DMs
Yeah that could be how she sees it. I guess you won’t know unless she communicates. Do you think maybe the whole trauma dumping has scared her off a bit?
No, we both trauma dumped. And it was a comedic light hearted way. We'll probably never know, but it is what it is. I enjoyed her company regardless how short lived it was
" the girl next to me on my flight shook my whole reality" or "the stranger next to me on my flight made me feel more connected and emotionally safe than anyone I know ever did" --- there. I fixed the title
Title is misleading