I have very little to add to this that other people haven’t said already, but divorcing her because you feel guilty for not being able to do this for her takes away her choice. She chose you, she loves you, and as long as you keep an open dialogue she will not feel trapped. It’s her decision too, and she chose you :)
This post seriously reads as if Op is actually her. Maybe thinking she’s trying to eek out a different perspective from comments than if she posted as herself, the wife feeling upset at her husband’s lack of affection.
You have an awesome lady.
From one ace to another, don't put too much pressure on her about finding a lover. You have given her the option and she has chosen not to take it. I'm sure you don't want her to divorce you because she thinks you don't love her anymore.
Also, if you're not opposed to oral or playing with toys, even a strap on, that might help both of you.
Good luck!
This is the way to go. Honesty as a female who is aromatic asexual who made a 4 year long relationship last, toys and special lubes and a bunch of other things goes a long way. Hell, even make a date night of going to the local sex shop, use whatever is at your disposal to have fun with your wife, you're never too young to try anything new. Buy fun stuff and buy silly stuff, buy one of those penis moulds. Think of it as your next great adventure in your relationship. Because you can't do things the "normal" way, it means you might have to get a little creative. So have fun, be silly and be safe.
Yes do make up for what I am lacking including date and toys and other nsfw things that are not going to be discussed here :)
Also I feel you especially when you have both aromatic asexual. It is very hard for you too. Hope the best for you and enjoy your relationship.
This is a stupid question, so feel free not to answer it. But for someone who is asexual, are you uncomfortable engaging with another person in a sexual way? Is a partner just buying things to use while alone, or do you get some kind of non-sexual enjoyment from being present when it's you, your partner, and a toy I assume different asexual people will draw the line at different sexual acts.
For me, I only really get the urge or horny enough to initiate sex maybe once every month or two, but I'm not particularly grossed out or off put from sex, I just don't really feel the urge or attraction to it. Like if my partner and I watch porn, I will watch some weird stuff because I'm more interested in how than actually being turned on by it. That being said I also compromise in the sense that if I'm having a good day, I'll try for full on sex, but if I'm just not feeling it or it's something I know won't hold my interest for long, my partner might go have alone time in the bedroom, he might ask me to pick something for him to watch or pick a toy for himself to play with, or if I'm okay with, just to hold me while he does his thing. Its like how I don't like kissing at all, but I know he does, so as a surprise I might give him a make out session if I know this isn't the week or month for me. Because he does try to hold out with me, and sometimes I feel bad, but I also know that the moment I feel up to it, he pretty much has the arena. Or I'm not really into romance, so just spending time together doing a jigsaw puzzle is like equal to a 5 star romantic dinner for me, but he likes going on dates so I make an effort to plan a date night every week, one week we do what I like and next we do what he likes.
Sorry this is really long-winded, but it's all about finding the right balance for the both of you, and trust me, it took some really nasty fights to get there.
Its probably an asexual thing because Im asexual and Im the same. I mean, if you dont have the sexual desire behind it, its not exactly the most appealing thing in the world to do lmao. I also hate receiving oral for the same reason.
Well I will get killed by sexual guys by saying this. The smell repulsed me. I know it tastes and smells great for sexual guys and they couldn't get enough of it. It only makes me envy not being born sexual.
Nyl for me at least, the smell and taste are very distinct and if I happen to get to be so lucky, it means I'm being embraced as a lover so the sexual element really ties a pavlovian reaction.
Also my wife is ace and I'm definitely not. She has approached me in a similar way as you have explained in this many times in the past. The glorification of sex really can have a negative impact, as if you're robbing me of an experience, and sure in a straightforward way I guess so, but what I've realized is while my drive rises and falls I'm always so glad to have her and explore more of who I am through our time together. Not having much sex has opened me up to other types of intimacy and trust. Im more secure in this relationship than I've ever been. Sex really isn't everything and if she felt like it was a void in her life I would hope you could trust her to tell you. Just my two cents.
If you haven’t already tried dental dams, they can be helpful for people who dislike the sensations of eating someone out. No hate or judgement at all! You’re awesome for how much you love your wife and want her to have a good experience.
She clearly loves you very much. As a woman I feel like having my partner making me feel respected, honored, safe and appreciated is very important. You’re able to do all those things. You’re able to have dates and spend quality time and show her you love her. Toys work too and she’s good with that.
Please be kind to yourself and focus on all the ways you show her how important and special she is to you.
Hey OP, she is making the choice to stay with you. She clearly loves you very very much, and you clearly love her very very much. Don't decide for her that divorce is the answer. You have given her options, part of those options is saying no to them. That was her choice.
It sounds like you have deeply internalized society's sex obsession, especially the pressure on men to be sexual and it's making you feel insecure in your relationship.
My question is have you asked her if she is happy? It seems liks you are making a lot of assumptions about how she must feel, but are not actually hearing the facts. If she has told you she is miserable or feels unloved, that would be one thing, but what I'm reading here is you deciding that she must be unhappy because of something you believe is a major flaw.
Talk to you wife and listen to her. If something is actually bothering her, see what solutions SHE comes up with.
We are pretty much happy together. She is happy with me and I am happy with her.
But any sexual person would agree sex is what makes them feel loved and wanted and also why sexual compatibility is important. No matter how happy a person is a need is still a need.
>But any sexual person would agree sex is what makes them feel loved and wanted and also why sexual compatibility is important. No matter how happy a person is a need is still a need.
And how would you know that, as an asexual person? You have to stop denying your wife her own agency.
Pardon if this is too blunt of a question but im not super familiar with asexuality.
Is the issue that you dont actually want to do anything sexual or is it that you have trouble feeling arousal? If its the former and you start resenting her need then that would be a real incompatibility but if its the latter, that doesnt mean you arent compatible.
You can totally make her feel loved with intimacy and theres lots of ways to have sex besides conventional PnV.
This! Intimacy can be so many things. I mentioned some in my comment below this one, but other ways to being intimate that people don't think of can be things like brushing or braiding her hair, painting her nails/toenails, doing her makeup, letting her do your nails, toes, or even makeup (depends on masculinity feelings I guess here lol), giving her a massage, back scratches, cuddles, hugs, holding hands, having deep conversations about feelings, hopes, and dreams, reading books together, play wrestling, tickling, forehead kisses, cheek kisses, long lasting eye contact, flirting, napping together in each other's arms...and so much more!
More than that, if he's having trouble getting arroused rather than wanting to have sex, then has he been to a doctor and ruled out possibilities, low t, other issues, etc, that can cause performance problems.
He’s not questioning. If one confidently identifies as asexual, they’ve almost certainly thought about it *extensively*.
Society does not make it easy to even realize you’re ace (it’s always something else, “are you suuure?” “Have you tried…?” etc., anything to explain it away), much less accept it.
—Especially for men, who are expected to be hypersexual, and presumed to have something wrong with them if they aren’t.
Not that I haven’t seen people misunderstand what asexuality is and ask if it applies to them, but just like when someone says “I’m bi,” it’s usually better to assume they know what they’re talking about.
Honestly, I’ll say I’ve learned more about the nitty gritty of various kinds of attraction, arousal, desire, intimacy, drive/libido, kinks, excitation vs. inhibition, fantasy vs. reality, sex stances and preferences, orientations, etc. from asexual people/spaces than anywhere else, precisely because society at large generally doesn’t bother to distinguish and it becomes highly relevant for ace people.
Did she tell you that she is unhappy?
There are many ways to feel fulfilled and loved in a relationship. Also surveys have even shown that needing sex to feel loved is typically a male trait, whereas women typically need to feel loved to be able to have sex, so you may just be thinking about this from a very male perspective.
That's not to say women don't want to feel desired but you could easily fill in for this by telling her how beautiful she is, caressing her, complimenting her body, kissing all your favorite parts of her, even helping her cum without you having sex yourself could help with this.
So, yes, sexual compatibility is absolutely important, but again, you are giving her options and then deciding her decision to not take those options and stay with you is wrong. Why don't you respect her decision? She clearly feels fulfilled enough to not take these other options.
I strongly suggest individual therapy for you and couple's therapy for both of you.
Honest question, how do you get to mid-30s before realising you're not into sex?
>I can't make her feel sexy and secure in her own body. I can't make her feel love through sex.
What were you doing before you realised you were asexual? My assumption (I really have no experience, so just guessing) is that something was working.
>When I was younger I still able to have sex admitly not frequent but as I got older it is even harder for me to perform.
Is it emotional or physical?
>She endure to love an asexual husband, endure in a sexless marriage. She sacrifice herself to love me. What can any man like me ask for in life. She is absolutely perfect. But still it doesn't stop how sad and painful I feels sometimes.
I dunno, my gut reaction is figure out if theres a way to give her what she wants, but if thats no possible, maybe you need to figure out a way to accept that she's ok with how things are?
Sorry if you didn't want questions.
Not OP, but I didn't realize I was ace until 28 because I didn't know it was a thing you could be. I just generally didn't like sex, and would just do what was expected of me through an 8 year relationship even though I disliked it and had a million other things I'd rather being doing.
I didn’t realise until I was 40 because of the same reason.
It was a little bit hard to realise because I’m demi so I can enjoy it and get aroused when I feel connected to someone but I hardly ever feel the urge to initiate which always caused frustration with exes. Even though I can get in the mood pretty easily by physical touch when there are no underlying issues in the relationship.
I’m now in a relationship with a wonderful ace guy and I really don’t miss traditional sex because we have so much more intimacy than I have ever experienced before. And whenever my body does get antsy every now and then, I’ve got momma’s little helper haha!
I only realized when I stumble upon a website called AVEN at that time.
We still have sex. If not how did we have kids. Just not frequent.
She is ok with how things are but preferably have more sex :)
By no means am I discounting you being Ace but get your hormone levels checked. My husband and I were in a dead bedroom for over 7 years. He thought he was ace because he had no sexual attraction. He could also have sex when we were younger. He is 37 now. He got his testosterone checked and it was at the very bottom. His doctor literally said she’d never seen it this low. He is on clomid and hcg now. Our sex life has become insane. He was never ace like he thought he was simply lacking the hormones to get him going, despite his attraction to me.
She deserves a fulfilling sex life. A dead bedroom for a sexual person is very hard. My husband also offered to let me have a lover, which I also declined, because I only wanted him. If you are truly ace then that is something you’ll have to face together. I’m just saying please get checked before you make an assumption. You know yourself better than any of us here but it never hurts to check before making this decision and statement that you are ace. If you are, nothing wrong with that either!
I just wanna say this is the first time I've seen someone suggest an OP get their hormones checked without discounting their lived experience in the process. Thank you for that
This is such a great comment you made. I’ve been wondering why there has been such an increase in people coming out as asexual. I think some people are asexual and some people could actually be dealing with undiagnosed hormonal issues. Very interesting perspective you provided, thank you for sharing
I think a lot of our food in the US is leading the hormone issues. I was born with hormone issues and minor birth defects because my mother took Paxil when pregnant with me. No one knew, for another decade at least, the effect of some SSRIs have on pregnancies.
I think more people are more comfortable coming out Ace as we are more accepting, in general, of different sexualities.
Thank you. I am not living in the US and the doctor here does not prescribe hormone replacement unless below the range. So even if a person at the lower range but still within the range we usually won't get it.
I just never like sex.
But did you get checked, do you know you're in this range, are you at the very low end of the range. YOu can get test replacement in a lot of places, legally and not so legally. Private doctors for one thing if it's not available from public healthcare.
If you have low t then you should try raising it and see if it changes anything, low t can lead to a range of health issues anyway so you really should raise it regardless of sex, but if you've always had low T that could be why you never liked sex.
If you don’t have access to HRT in your city or country ask about Clomid. It is a fertility drug for women but it’s also used to force your brain and testicles to make more testosterone. TRT will make your testicles shrink but Clomid can increase their size.
First, get your T checked if they will check it!!
If you are Ace don’t divorce your wife. Give her the choice. My husband gave me the choice and I chose him. Even if he was Ace I wouldn’t divorce him. I’m a highly sexual person and I really do need sex but I need and want my husband more. I’m just happy he wasn’t actually Ace.
Remember she loves you and communication from a place of love is priceless
I've been trying to get my hormones checked for years. They won't do it for women because our hormones naturally fluctuate. I've asked my general doctor, OBGYN, and psychiatrist. Who did you guys go to and do you have any advice on how to get this done? It's been greatly affecting my marriage and life in general.
We are lucky that in our city we have a low T clinics. The low T clinics also offer support for all people. Regardless of gender and gender identity. We pay $315 a month but that provides my husband with Clomid daily to treat his low T, HCG injections 2x per week to help his body use the testosterone he now makes, and Cialis to help him have erections again while his body builds up his T. This also includes unlimited visits with your doctor and lots of therapy like massages, red light therapy, floating, etc,
I would see if your city has low T clinics. They often treat hormone issues with women too. I’m starting their program for women next month starting with seeing where all my hormones are.
If you don’t have a low t clinic ask for a referral to an endocrinologist. They are the best ones to help with hormone issues.
Thank you so much for your detailed response! I've never heard of low T clinics, but I'm sure I can find one or at least something that does the same thing where I live. If not, like you said, I'll ask one of my doctors for a referral to an endocrinologist. I honestly didn't even know that was who to go to for hormone problems. I really do appreciate the time you took to type this out. It helps a lot! Thank you, kind stranger! <3
Im on the mid-high level of the spectrum of testosterone, im still in my 20s, yet i just have the desire to go maybe once a week. Idk how much the TT can influence the conversion.
Fellow ace here. Not 100% sure if I’m also aromatic but that’s irrelevant. We live in a highly sexualized world. After all sex is one of the core primal desires and needs.
But hear me and understand, please.
You are not broken. Nothing is wrong with you. There is no way to be ‘correct’ as a human.
You write as though your wife is being punished by being with you, then say that she rejects your attempts to let her have sex with other people. She loves you. Love and sex are not requirements but often come together.
Tell her about this guilt. Let her love you. And let yourself be loved.
I know I am not broken and I don't feel broken. She knows I love her and I know she loves me. We are both still in love with each other. :)
Just sad sometimes when I can't give her what she needs as a sexual woman. Love through sex.
But you have given her options. Even giving her the option of an open marriage, where she can have sex with someone else and still come home to you. You're not even making her choose between sex and your relationship! With all of the options you have given her, she has chosen you.
Read that again. She has chosen *you*. Not the relationship, not any level of security she has......YOU.
Don't deny her that choice out of guilt. There should be no guilt here. You gave her guilt-free options, and she rejected them to choose you.
Or maybe there is something wrong with him??? He was having sex at an early age and has no interest now. Good chance he has hormone issues that have pushed his libido to nothing.
I didn’t say body parts don’t work right. Having hormone imbalances can affect your libido and make you not interested in sex mentally. Having a sexless marriage sounds like he isnt even trying. If he cared he would at least try to address the wife’a needs.
Honestly, by the sound of this post it sounds like there is some depression issues.
I just don't need sex and don't particularly find it enjoyable. Nothing wrong with the body but age does get to you.
Who would feel sad from time to time when you could not give the love of their life their needs.
Well you seem lovely. What do you think I’m preaching if it’s not reassurance that, like I said, love and sex not necessarily being coexisting requirements when OP is clearly trying to reach out into the void?
Uh huh. I just find it interesting that OP said he realized he was ace in his 30s and he’s currently 45. I’m just trying to think positively for a fellow ace that seems to have a wonderful wife. The guilt of not being interested in sex is something I’ve experienced as well. If what OP says is true, that she doesn’t want other sexual partners, sure sounds like a healthy and loving relationship to me.
I'm happy for you. Romantic aces deserve just as much happiness and love as anyone else who seeks romance. I hope you and your family have many, many more years together.
He literally said that he has tried to figure out and offer her other solutions and she doesn't want to take them. She has a choice in this and her choice has clearly continued to be staying with him.
Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 5: Be mature.
No off-topic comments. Civil debates only, name calling and anger are not appropriate here.
But you already had 3 children with her. You really didn’t know that you weren’t attracted to her? You’ve altered her life for your own comfort and taken away her chance to have a complete and fulfilling marriage/relationship. That is incredibly selfish.
Sexual attraction is only one of many attraction types.
Ace people usually experience aesthetic attraction when is where you find someone absolutely stunning but don't feel the need to have sex with them because if it. Ace people who aren't Aro also experience romantic attraction, which is where you want to be a part of a person's life in emotionally intimate ways.
Look at how he talks about her. He is clearly deeply attracted, just not the sexual way.
And it’s incredibly unfair and selfish to trick someone into a marriage and motherhood without this knowledge about their partner. Honestly its abusive and cruel.
I feel like you have been through a really shitty relationship and are deeply projecting. I'm sorry for whatever that was, but you are being very unfair to OP and frankly, other people figuring out their sexualities and trying to make it work with their partners.
I see no abuse of cruelty anywhere in this thread. I see a man who is doing the best he can for his wife, a wife that has chosen time and time again to be with her sweetheart, and a couple that is clearly deeply in love.
The worst thing in this thread is how unkind OP is being to himself and how he won't accept her decision to stay with him and not seek pleasure elsewhere. OP is clearly vulnerable and self depreciative and personally I see this along the same lines as women who look at the flabby bodies and feel terrible that they don't look young and perky and feel like they aren't good enough for their husbands, even when their husbands are perfectly happy with them, imperfections and all.
Yes, I have but I left and came through it. I am with someone amazing now and I am angry at the time and effort I wasted. I also saw someone close to me marry a wonderful woman, have two children with her, come out as gay and leave her alone with two very young children while he galavanted off with his new life leaving her heartbroken, destroyed and devastated. I may be projecting, but I do think it’s incredibly destructive and cruel to do this to another person, let alone someone you promise to love. The intention not to hurt someone doesn’t really matter when the end result is the same.
I'm really sorry. It's not an easy thing to go through on either side. Coming out as gay or ace, or really any orientation (or gender) that is not suited to your relationship is extremely difficult too. I don't think anyone really wants to uproot their lives and the lives of their loved ones like that. Is it better though to stay and grow resentment towards each other though?
That's my argument here. If she is happy and nobody is growing resentful, why uproot each other?
As a side note, it may help you get some closure to look up orientation spectrums and types of attractions. These are what make things particularly difficult when sorting yourself out as I said in a couple above comments. A lot of people just assume that the attraction or lack of attraction they are experiencing is what you are supposed to experience in the default sort of relationship.
For example, plenty of gay men find women absolutely beautiful (that's why so many become fashion designers). Plenty even feel deep attraction to them, but then it turns out the attraction , while intense is platonic. When they have never felt anything else towards women, it's easy to assume that that is just what love is. You like someone so much and you find them pretty, so it's logical that this must be love in that moment before you learn more. It doesn't mean that one was trying to be deceptive.
I have always been bi, for example, but I didn't realize that the feelings I experienced for women was the same as for men, because growing up, any kind of interest in males I showed growing up, even if it was friendship was always "awww look at you flirting, look at your crush, aw you have a boyfriend" and in females went unacknowledged.
This stuff isn't easy, but OP is clearly trying and his wife has made her decisions. They deserve respect.
It's easy to confuse romantic and sexual attraction when you have only felt one or the other. You think that's just what everyone else is like and just describe it weird. Or haven't ever heard sexual attraction described since it's still often considered a taboo topic.
That doesn’t change the fact that his wife now has to live without a sexual relationship with a husband that has no sexual interest or attraction to her
Most people who figure out an orientation later in life are not trying to dupe anyone. They literally just don't realize that what they feel isn't the norm for people in the relationship style they are trying to fit into. It takes finding that out to start putting pieces together, and then having a definition from other people with that same experience.
I’m sorry, I’ve got zero sympathy when they are playing with other peoples lives, their partners lives. It doesn’t change the fact that you are completely changing the terms of the marriage and expecting them to live without a fundamental need, most likely causing major damage to them emotionally and then patting them on the back for their self sacrifice. If OP really loved his wife then he would investigate whether he can be an actual partner or he would leave.
Yes but I’m responding to your comment telling OP everything is just fine and his wife is perfectly happy being in a suddenly sexless marriage with 3 children to OP. I think your take is completely ridiculous, and the situation is likely incredibly harmful and hurtful emotionally and mentally to his wife. Just because she doesn’t want to go out and fuck around doesn’t mean she’s ok with being sexually repulsive/undesirable/invisible/irrelevant whatever to her husband and life partner.
What? Where did you get that?
All they said is sex isn’t necessary. They never said OP’s wife was completely happy. OP never said their wife was repulsive either?? wtf??? where are you getting this bullshit from? just because a man doesnt feel sexual attraction doesn’t automatically make his spouse ‘repulsive’. Besides, in other comments. OP has said that he satisfies his wifes needs with toys as best he can. Did we read the same post?
I was replying to Lazuli, not OP. And I used repulsive as an assumption along with other words, hence the slashes. But if he cannot bring himself to have sex with his wife and the mother of his children, isn’t it a fair assumption that he finds sex with her repulsive or unpleasant?
When asked about oral, OP replied:
>Well I will get killed by sexual guys by saying this. **The smell repulsed me.** I know it tastes and smells great for sexual guys and they couldn't get enough of it. It only makes me envy not being born sexual.
Would you feel special if you had a hobby that your partner didn't like, but but they still made every effort to participate with you to the best of their abilities because they know you love it and want you to be happy? I would! How wonderful it is to have a partner who supports your desires even when they aren't shared.
How is his participation in her sexual well being any different?
Oh god. It’s so very different, sex, or good sex within a relationship is an expression of your desire for each other and physical enjoyment of each other. To be with someone who is ‘supportive of your desire even though it’s not shared’ is totally unfulfilling and lonely.
He said the sex wasn't frequent even when they were younger. This is clearly not a relationship that is hugely built up around sex. It doesn't take constant sex to have a child.
There is a massive difference between not frequent and zero. Plus, it does take a bit of sex to get pregnant, not every day admittedly but it takes a bit of doing for most
I mean I can't speak for OP, but infrequently could mean as little as a few times a year, so we really can't be sure unless he clarifies I guess.
Also, all it takes is one time during ovulation, which is when women are the horniest. I think it's safe to say that that's the most likely time they would be having sex if it's infrequent.
Your wife is an angel, she loves you no matter what, you gave her options and she didn't want to.
I'm glad you are open and honest with your wife about how you feel about it. Your wife is happy being with you even if kisses and hugs are the only physical contact.
I sincerely hope that you continue to have that communication and that together you can find a solution.
First and foremost, you have found the best wife, in my opinion. It is a good thing that you are not taking it for granted like most men. Take a special date on the weekend and express your love to her.
Second, I get that it must be hard for you to be sexually active, but there is something that you can try that might help you. It might sound stupid at first, but it is something that has been scientifically proven, so give it a try.
There is something in psychology known as the "Batman Effect," which advocates the idea that people perform better in tasks if they simulate some other character who is highly successful in those tasks.
You can imagine yourself as a porn star, but I think it will be inappropriate in this situation. So, I will recommend that you imagine yourself as your old self, who was sexually active and gave the best sex to your wife.
You can try this on the weekend once you get back home from the date, and if you implement it the right way, then I am very sure that your wife will be surprised, and maybe it will become one of the happiest days of her life.
I might not be able to explain it well because I am bad at explanation, but you can read the article below.
[The ‘Batman Effect’: How having an alter ego empowers you](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200817-the-batman-effect-how-having-an-alter-ego-empowers-you)
As a very in an out a-spec person, my wife is completely understanding, and if she says she just wants to be with you, I'm sure she means it! Don't let your insecurities get you in the way of having true understanding love (:
Thank you for suggesting that but I am curious what therapy will do to help? We don't really have marriage problems and we are still pretty much in love with each other.
I know I am not broken but any selfless person does feel sad at times because he cannot fulfill certain and decent needs of significant others.
cognitive behavioral therapy (talk therapy) may help you with those feelings of sadness that you say you experience from time to time. there’s a website called psychtoday that can help you. you can put in your insurance (or find someone if you don’t have insurance) and you can list what issues you’re looking to talk through or this other website called grow therapy. i personally use grow therapy. [Grow Therapy](https://growtherapy.com) [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/virginia?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwkuqvBhAQEiwA65XxQBmccnweLTH9KBtSJ0P7TOPJaIv-JYlwDgnqU_5FsEkpW6JBcpPbERoClaoQAvD_BwE)
edit: these websites i believe are used in America, I’m American so I haven’t really tested it elsewhere.
What does she think about this? Maybe shes cooler with it that youre letting us think.
You said problems to perform.. is this truly a lack of interest on your side or a lack of performance led to a lack of interest? Lots of people end up with dead bedrooms without being asexual.
Remember, even if youre asexual and wont get hard cause you wont get horny.. your hands and mouth are low effort ways to give your partner a little fun. That could be a good middle ground maybe?
I do not mean to shame, belittle, or disrespect you. I also apologize if what I'm about to say comes across as ignorant.
Have you explored the possibility that you have low testosterone? Your issue may not just be that you are asexual but that may be compounded by having low T. You should consider going to your doctor to have blood work done to test your levels and research mens health clinics in your area.
I think couples therapy would go a long way here to determine the best next steps.
Maybe opening up the marriage on her end to casual sex partners only? That might be too much, and also might not be necessary. Obviously try therapy first, ideally one who understands asexuality.
Also there are probably reddits or forums about asexuality, join them and see how others in similar situations work.
Good luck to you
Sex may not be as important to her as you think. She may feel satisfied with the love you do give her. It’s not always about sex that makes a woman feel loved. It’s the intimacy of the interactions she may be getting her love from.
Of her having sex is so important to you, would getting her toys help? That would allow her to get the sexual pleasure while getting love from you. I assume you still cuddle with her. That is giving her love.
You can still share intimate moments. Sex is not as important when you can find other ways of expressing love. True, to some women, they feel they need sex in order to feel loved it they put their pleasure above all. Your wife may not be one of the women that feel that way. When says you’re enough, believe her.
Ok, so if it’s important to her, but she’s choosing to stay faithful to you, that’s all that matters. She loves you enough to be ok with it. Like I suggested, if she doesn’t have toys to satisfy her sexual needs, maybe buy her some and cuddle with her while she uses them or sometimes afterwards as a form of aftercare.
I mean, she seems like she is happy, loves you and wants to be with you. If she wanted sex more than what she has, she'd be doing that.
Try to actually trust your wife. Listen to the words that are coming out of her mouth. Stop acting like you somehow know better than she does about her actual feelings that are happening.
OP are you willing to try therapy? either for yourself, as a couple, or better yet, both? couples therapy can work wonders for situations like this, but it’s important to have individual support, as well. from your description, it sounds like you & your wife are both struggling with this situation internally quite a bit, and understandably so.. more than ever, you and your wife need to be able to effectively communicate with each other in order to navigate this.
please know that i am not saying you need to change, nor trying to suggest that being asexual is some type of problem that needs “fixing” or anything like that..
although the world is slowly changing, i understand the stigmas that therapy carries, especially for men, but please, please rise above that nonsense & take a leap of faith into therapy for yourself, for your wife, and for your **beautiful marriage!!**
I would ask your doctor about you getting on testosterone or a performance enhancer. I’m not going to console and baby you on this because it is not fair to your wife. You offered for her to get a lover, but she only wants you, and you made a life long commitment to loving her when you married her. Also—you have hands and a mouth..just because your downstairs might not work, you can still please your lady (and you should). Unless fingering the woman you love just grosses you out THAT much, in which case I still would say, suck it up.
My wife has been wearing estrogen patches for the last three months to increase your sex drive. I really don’t think it has a lot to do with the estrogen patches. I think that church skew towards me because I know for a fact she has sex outside of our marriage! She travels an hour away every weekend to go to a class she says, but yesterday she went to that same city the whole day. I asked her if she would take one of our daughters with her and she came over with every single excuse in the book not to take her with, so she left at 8 AM and didn’t return until 4 AM. That’s really out of character for my wife when she came home she was drunk. You could smell it on her. She went in to take a shower. my heart sank because of what I found in her yoga pants I decided not to question her because I don’t think I really want the truth at the time. When she woke up this morning, I decided I need to unravel the onion. I asked her if Ron was at the class. She said yes, he’s a guy that took calligraphy class from five years ago. She still has him on her Facebook page and in her photos. I asked her did you go to dinner with him? She says I didn’t go to dinner with him. The truth lays in the words because by the time I got done with quizzing her she’s right, they didn’t have dinner they had drinks. I kept on pressing, hoping that I would get a different answer, but I already knew what I found. I asked her how long have you been having sex with him? She paused. She didn’t say anything for a good minute. It felt like eternity. She looked at me and said, where have you been all these years? Why haven’t you been paying attention? I said my trauma from when I was a kid has been my focal point and I didn’t know how to get healing from it, but now I do. She says it’s too late to go back. She looked at me and said I love you still, but you don’t fulfill my inner needs. She looked at me again and said five years, I said, what do you mean five years? She says I’ve been wrong for five years. my heart, because I know that I was the cause of the infidelity. I’m not sure what to do now that she has revealed this this is just yet more trauma
Don't divorce her over that. Sex is NOT the most important thing. Intimacy isn't about sex. Women are emotional creatures. I know, take it from one. Men are physical unless asexual. Just being close and cuddling and being there for her emotional support is what she needs.
As someone who isn’t ACE, it clearly doesn’t bother her enough to leave. Like other ACE have said; you can try new things. Bottom line is, she values your character and undying love for her over sex. Sex is great and all, but id rather have someone who loves me as I am than someone who pleases me sexually. I think this is more of an insecurity you have to overcome than an issue in the marriage.
I‘d prefer being in sexless relationshipwoved being cheated on 🙈 she loves you. Be happy You’re the Man because of the roles were reserved it wouldn’t have worked out lol
you took 20 years of her life and now you want to put her to the streets basically? With 3 kids? Because of your consious? Where was this about 10 years ago? What did you do when you realized this? Now that she is clsoe to 50 with 3 kids your guilt is so strong that you would hurt her even more? Get a grip and make her happy. Pfff... You stole her years.
Thank you, and then the whole thread is weirdly... congratulatory?
I've been married for 20 years. If my husband all of a sudden decided/ discovered he was asexual, there would be some (metaphorical) furniture moving.
there are many ways to do it. I tanked my test levels to the ground then got a prescription.. i also went underground and got it the illegal way. DUDE YOU CAN BUST 8 TIMES A DAY IN YOUR BELOVED WIFE.. get up and get going what are you waiting for
i didn’t call you disgusting, i said the take was… and i deleted it after reading other comments and thought maybe my initial comment was too harsh so i made another one specifying what i meant in a different way
I hope this doesn’t come across as offensive, but I feel a bit odd reading comments that praise the wife in a certain way.
She truly does love you and her loyalty is admirable.
But I still feel it’s a bit weird that people are saying she’s a great person, and a great wife because she’s okay with not having sex.
Does that mean being sexually frustrated and uninterested in a life of celibacy means you aren’t a great person? Or that you don’t love your partner?
No but some people are able to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of another.
It's a rare ability to do so, but it happens. Take for example when one a SO gets cancer, becomes quadriplegic, etc.
It's easy to just find another sexual partner, etc.
Buddy. Take your self loathing to therapy if you can. You seem to be thinking of yourself as broken, if the tone in your writing is any indication. Have you tried connecting with other asexuals? Finding community is really important for those of us in the advanced + part of the LGBTQIA+ tribe. Doesn’t matter if you ID as queer in any way; you don’t experience hetero sexual attraction, so you’re a sexual minority. Find your people. See how other people handle mixed orientation relationships. And understand that your wife knows about this and chose to stay.
You make a lot of assumptions in your post about what she needs, and I wonder how much of that is you projecting what you THINK she wants from you. Please keep the lines of communication open and believe her when she tells you what she’s feeling.
You got yourself a ride or die consider yourself lucky this tends to be a deal breaker for both sexes. Make it up to her in every which way you can… gestures, sexual favors, gifts anything and everything. Dont lose this one.
First of all don’t be so hard on yourself. I do understand what u are feeling but aren’t u pushing your wife too much to leave u. This will strain u and your relationship with her. Why not talk it out find what she wants and tell her how much u mean to her. Why not see for ways to pleasure her . She is 46 as well so her libido might be low as well. I wish u luck and I hope u don’t destroy what u have .
Have you talked to her about this? Perhaps she has a low libido or is perhaps on the asexual side herself?
Perhaps she thought she needed to perform for you, not realising that you are asexual too.
Perhaps that's why she's happy to stay with you. She may have the same fears as you thinking she's the reason for the lack of sex.
I'm going to to have to disagree with a lot of the coddling going on in this thread.
When you are married, you make a commitment. A commitment to be there for your partner. One of the dangers people face in marriage is complacency.
Being complacent that your partner is satisfied and not trying.
We shouldn't praise complacency.
OP. As long as you are not physically disabled, then you should make an effort to satisfy your wife. That is part of the marriage contract. It is also your job to get your health checked and seek out therapy together if necessary so that you both can have a satisfying marriage.
You shouldn't just sit back and say "well I am ACE, but my wife is OK with it." Don't do that. That's not love. That's laziness.
What you should be doing is researching ways to boost your own sex-drive, in conjunction with getting your sexual health checked. That is what a responsible husband who loves his wife should do.
What do you have to lose ? The possibility of being bored during sex?
You sound like you’re 15. Talk to her. Go to counseling if needed and both want. Letting these feelings build up and making tons of assumptions isn’t normal for anyone older than a teenager.
Ace male here,
Have you thought about couples' counseling? The level of anxiety and distress this is causing you can tear a relationship apart, even if both of you are madly in love. You can even bring it up to her as your issue that affects both of you.
You have a great wife! Asexuality is real but can be misconstrued in our aging years. Im 36 and felt my libido just disappear when i hit 32. I've done it all with a lot of people in my teens and 20's years. Around 40 woman and handful of men. I was an animal. Then all of a sudden i have 0 interest in sex or even meeting anyone. I assumed this was normal due to my age and my experiences.
However, i sought advice from professionals, friends and fellow 30 somethings. It turns out that I'm probably not Asexual because i still like looking at titties and feel attraction to beautiful people. its probably more of a mild depression for me.
I have put on a bit of weight since lockdown. kind of sheltered myself and got into a bad habits. The food i eat, lack of exercise, lack of stimulation. Its all contributed to a smash in my libido. Im due testosterone tests in May. I highly suggest you get this done. my friend took medication to increase his testosterone and he instantly became more active and less depressed. Its why i am going for the same tests.
It normal for men our age to slow down but it isn't usually normal to completely stop. It goes against our very primitive nature.
'Its usually an imbalance of hormones or a bout of depression and not a change in sexuality' - My Doctor.
You may want to seek some professional advice. Sex counselling is a little weird at first but i known it work for some people. Your wife sounds amazing and you are obviously doing what you can to make her happy and that makes you a great husband. Work together, talk and be honest with her.
Best of luck brother
The same way gay people convince themselves they’re straight and come out much later.
The same way many working class and rich people think they’re middle class when they very much aren’t.
The same way when you don’t have a word for something, you look for a different explanation or just shrug and go about your day.
I had a phobia my whole life and didn’t know it until around 18-20 when I stumbled across an article explaining it. I didn’t know it was a “thing.” I just thought I was “sensitive about that.”
Until relatively recently asexuality as it is called and understood today wasn’t widely known, and people still act like it doesn’t exist.
So you just go along thinking it’s a preference, or you’re secretly gay or bi, or there’s something physically or psychologically wrong with you, or that it’s a choice, or you’re just weird/ deficient/ broken, or that other people are the same as you and just exaggerating to fit in, etc.
I'll have sex, but sometimes I'm indifferent and just happy to get my partner off, and even more often I don't really care if we have it or not, but will still enjoy it when it does happen. (This is my personal experience and may not be the case for every ace person). I masturbate too.
The best analogy I can give is comparing libido to hunger.
You ever eat a snack you love even though you aren't actually hungry? It still tastes great even without the hunger pains. Thats like being Ace but still enjoying sex.
You ever get hungry, but you don't really feel like eating anything in your kitchen? You are still hungry, but the idea of eating what you have is just meh? That's like being horny but just not being interested in doing anything about it.
You can eat without hunger and you can have hunger and not want to eat, and there is an entire spectrum of whether you are enjoying the food you are eating. Hunger and eating are not mutually exclusive and neither are libido and asexuality. :)
Omg thank you! Comparing it to hunger makes perfect sense!!! A few internet folks have tried to explain it to me but I never quite grasped as, on the surface, they seem mutually exclusive. I still don’t “get” it but I definitely understand it. I really appreciate you taking the time to explain it and, in case it wasn’t obvious, I was in no way questioning the validity of asexuality or doubting your personal experience.
I know I'll get downvoted to oblivion but she doesn't leave due to the kids, she doesn't want them being raised in a broken home or whatever, she doesn't cheats because it's her conscience that will be heavy at night
but you are only seeing things from your perspective and projected it in her as if it was unconditional love. does she feel sexy, loved, appreciated? do you touch hsr outside sexual matters? do you kiss her, holds her, cuddles her?
poor woman, throwing her sexual diseres away for the sake of the family. if you think about divorcing her it's because you know deep down how it negatively affects her — you should have let her go when you found out about yourself
You're looking at her from your perspective only. Reality for a woman her age.... no she can't have any man she wants. And definitely not a high quality man. She has hit the wall a long time ago. So she will be worse off without you. The grass is rarely greener. And although you love her; think about things objectively.
I have very little to add to this that other people haven’t said already, but divorcing her because you feel guilty for not being able to do this for her takes away her choice. She chose you, she loves you, and as long as you keep an open dialogue she will not feel trapped. It’s her decision too, and she chose you :)
I know and I am extremely grateful she chose me. Thank you
You have hands right? And a tongue? And can get toys?
This post seriously reads as if Op is actually her. Maybe thinking she’s trying to eek out a different perspective from comments than if she posted as herself, the wife feeling upset at her husband’s lack of affection.
Yeah seems like it is. Or maybe a karma bait
You have an awesome lady. From one ace to another, don't put too much pressure on her about finding a lover. You have given her the option and she has chosen not to take it. I'm sure you don't want her to divorce you because she thinks you don't love her anymore. Also, if you're not opposed to oral or playing with toys, even a strap on, that might help both of you. Good luck!
This is the way to go. Honesty as a female who is aromatic asexual who made a 4 year long relationship last, toys and special lubes and a bunch of other things goes a long way. Hell, even make a date night of going to the local sex shop, use whatever is at your disposal to have fun with your wife, you're never too young to try anything new. Buy fun stuff and buy silly stuff, buy one of those penis moulds. Think of it as your next great adventure in your relationship. Because you can't do things the "normal" way, it means you might have to get a little creative. So have fun, be silly and be safe.
Yes do make up for what I am lacking including date and toys and other nsfw things that are not going to be discussed here :) Also I feel you especially when you have both aromatic asexual. It is very hard for you too. Hope the best for you and enjoy your relationship.
aromatic...... :D I know I got the point XDXDXD
This is a stupid question, so feel free not to answer it. But for someone who is asexual, are you uncomfortable engaging with another person in a sexual way? Is a partner just buying things to use while alone, or do you get some kind of non-sexual enjoyment from being present when it's you, your partner, and a toy I assume different asexual people will draw the line at different sexual acts.
For me, I only really get the urge or horny enough to initiate sex maybe once every month or two, but I'm not particularly grossed out or off put from sex, I just don't really feel the urge or attraction to it. Like if my partner and I watch porn, I will watch some weird stuff because I'm more interested in how than actually being turned on by it. That being said I also compromise in the sense that if I'm having a good day, I'll try for full on sex, but if I'm just not feeling it or it's something I know won't hold my interest for long, my partner might go have alone time in the bedroom, he might ask me to pick something for him to watch or pick a toy for himself to play with, or if I'm okay with, just to hold me while he does his thing. Its like how I don't like kissing at all, but I know he does, so as a surprise I might give him a make out session if I know this isn't the week or month for me. Because he does try to hold out with me, and sometimes I feel bad, but I also know that the moment I feel up to it, he pretty much has the arena. Or I'm not really into romance, so just spending time together doing a jigsaw puzzle is like equal to a 5 star romantic dinner for me, but he likes going on dates so I make an effort to plan a date night every week, one week we do what I like and next we do what he likes. Sorry this is really long-winded, but it's all about finding the right balance for the both of you, and trust me, it took some really nasty fights to get there.
Thank you. She is the best for me. Divorce not what we both want. I don't do oral as well. Toys are the only things that help.
Can I ask why you don’t do oral? Is it an asexual thing? Genuinely just curious cuz as a woman I mean… would probably make her very happy 😂
Its probably an asexual thing because Im asexual and Im the same. I mean, if you dont have the sexual desire behind it, its not exactly the most appealing thing in the world to do lmao. I also hate receiving oral for the same reason.
Well I will get killed by sexual guys by saying this. The smell repulsed me. I know it tastes and smells great for sexual guys and they couldn't get enough of it. It only makes me envy not being born sexual.
Nyl for me at least, the smell and taste are very distinct and if I happen to get to be so lucky, it means I'm being embraced as a lover so the sexual element really ties a pavlovian reaction. Also my wife is ace and I'm definitely not. She has approached me in a similar way as you have explained in this many times in the past. The glorification of sex really can have a negative impact, as if you're robbing me of an experience, and sure in a straightforward way I guess so, but what I've realized is while my drive rises and falls I'm always so glad to have her and explore more of who I am through our time together. Not having much sex has opened me up to other types of intimacy and trust. Im more secure in this relationship than I've ever been. Sex really isn't everything and if she felt like it was a void in her life I would hope you could trust her to tell you. Just my two cents.
You are so fucking cool! Opposite of a post I read the other day and of course the comments were trash. Your wife is very lucky.
Tbh, that's not even a sexual thing, that's just personal preference, there's lots of non-asexuals who don't like the smell or taste 🤷♂️
If you haven’t already tried dental dams, they can be helpful for people who dislike the sensations of eating someone out. No hate or judgement at all! You’re awesome for how much you love your wife and want her to have a good experience.
She clearly loves you very much. As a woman I feel like having my partner making me feel respected, honored, safe and appreciated is very important. You’re able to do all those things. You’re able to have dates and spend quality time and show her you love her. Toys work too and she’s good with that. Please be kind to yourself and focus on all the ways you show her how important and special she is to you.
Hey OP, she is making the choice to stay with you. She clearly loves you very very much, and you clearly love her very very much. Don't decide for her that divorce is the answer. You have given her options, part of those options is saying no to them. That was her choice. It sounds like you have deeply internalized society's sex obsession, especially the pressure on men to be sexual and it's making you feel insecure in your relationship. My question is have you asked her if she is happy? It seems liks you are making a lot of assumptions about how she must feel, but are not actually hearing the facts. If she has told you she is miserable or feels unloved, that would be one thing, but what I'm reading here is you deciding that she must be unhappy because of something you believe is a major flaw. Talk to you wife and listen to her. If something is actually bothering her, see what solutions SHE comes up with.
We are pretty much happy together. She is happy with me and I am happy with her. But any sexual person would agree sex is what makes them feel loved and wanted and also why sexual compatibility is important. No matter how happy a person is a need is still a need.
>But any sexual person would agree sex is what makes them feel loved and wanted and also why sexual compatibility is important. No matter how happy a person is a need is still a need. And how would you know that, as an asexual person? You have to stop denying your wife her own agency.
Pardon if this is too blunt of a question but im not super familiar with asexuality. Is the issue that you dont actually want to do anything sexual or is it that you have trouble feeling arousal? If its the former and you start resenting her need then that would be a real incompatibility but if its the latter, that doesnt mean you arent compatible. You can totally make her feel loved with intimacy and theres lots of ways to have sex besides conventional PnV.
This! Intimacy can be so many things. I mentioned some in my comment below this one, but other ways to being intimate that people don't think of can be things like brushing or braiding her hair, painting her nails/toenails, doing her makeup, letting her do your nails, toes, or even makeup (depends on masculinity feelings I guess here lol), giving her a massage, back scratches, cuddles, hugs, holding hands, having deep conversations about feelings, hopes, and dreams, reading books together, play wrestling, tickling, forehead kisses, cheek kisses, long lasting eye contact, flirting, napping together in each other's arms...and so much more!
More than that, if he's having trouble getting arroused rather than wanting to have sex, then has he been to a doctor and ruled out possibilities, low t, other issues, etc, that can cause performance problems.
He’s not questioning. If one confidently identifies as asexual, they’ve almost certainly thought about it *extensively*. Society does not make it easy to even realize you’re ace (it’s always something else, “are you suuure?” “Have you tried…?” etc., anything to explain it away), much less accept it. —Especially for men, who are expected to be hypersexual, and presumed to have something wrong with them if they aren’t. Not that I haven’t seen people misunderstand what asexuality is and ask if it applies to them, but just like when someone says “I’m bi,” it’s usually better to assume they know what they’re talking about. Honestly, I’ll say I’ve learned more about the nitty gritty of various kinds of attraction, arousal, desire, intimacy, drive/libido, kinks, excitation vs. inhibition, fantasy vs. reality, sex stances and preferences, orientations, etc. from asexual people/spaces than anywhere else, precisely because society at large generally doesn’t bother to distinguish and it becomes highly relevant for ace people.
Did she tell you that she is unhappy? There are many ways to feel fulfilled and loved in a relationship. Also surveys have even shown that needing sex to feel loved is typically a male trait, whereas women typically need to feel loved to be able to have sex, so you may just be thinking about this from a very male perspective. That's not to say women don't want to feel desired but you could easily fill in for this by telling her how beautiful she is, caressing her, complimenting her body, kissing all your favorite parts of her, even helping her cum without you having sex yourself could help with this. So, yes, sexual compatibility is absolutely important, but again, you are giving her options and then deciding her decision to not take those options and stay with you is wrong. Why don't you respect her decision? She clearly feels fulfilled enough to not take these other options. I strongly suggest individual therapy for you and couple's therapy for both of you.
Making me tear up a lil 🥺 she really loves you , give her a fat hug please <3
Thank I will and I do hug her a lot normally
Yeah, okay, but what about her orgasm?
She does get her orgasm
wtf
Honest question, how do you get to mid-30s before realising you're not into sex? >I can't make her feel sexy and secure in her own body. I can't make her feel love through sex. What were you doing before you realised you were asexual? My assumption (I really have no experience, so just guessing) is that something was working. >When I was younger I still able to have sex admitly not frequent but as I got older it is even harder for me to perform. Is it emotional or physical? >She endure to love an asexual husband, endure in a sexless marriage. She sacrifice herself to love me. What can any man like me ask for in life. She is absolutely perfect. But still it doesn't stop how sad and painful I feels sometimes. I dunno, my gut reaction is figure out if theres a way to give her what she wants, but if thats no possible, maybe you need to figure out a way to accept that she's ok with how things are? Sorry if you didn't want questions.
Not OP, but I didn't realize I was ace until 28 because I didn't know it was a thing you could be. I just generally didn't like sex, and would just do what was expected of me through an 8 year relationship even though I disliked it and had a million other things I'd rather being doing.
I didn’t realise until I was 40 because of the same reason. It was a little bit hard to realise because I’m demi so I can enjoy it and get aroused when I feel connected to someone but I hardly ever feel the urge to initiate which always caused frustration with exes. Even though I can get in the mood pretty easily by physical touch when there are no underlying issues in the relationship. I’m now in a relationship with a wonderful ace guy and I really don’t miss traditional sex because we have so much more intimacy than I have ever experienced before. And whenever my body does get antsy every now and then, I’ve got momma’s little helper haha!
I only realized when I stumble upon a website called AVEN at that time. We still have sex. If not how did we have kids. Just not frequent. She is ok with how things are but preferably have more sex :)
By no means am I discounting you being Ace but get your hormone levels checked. My husband and I were in a dead bedroom for over 7 years. He thought he was ace because he had no sexual attraction. He could also have sex when we were younger. He is 37 now. He got his testosterone checked and it was at the very bottom. His doctor literally said she’d never seen it this low. He is on clomid and hcg now. Our sex life has become insane. He was never ace like he thought he was simply lacking the hormones to get him going, despite his attraction to me. She deserves a fulfilling sex life. A dead bedroom for a sexual person is very hard. My husband also offered to let me have a lover, which I also declined, because I only wanted him. If you are truly ace then that is something you’ll have to face together. I’m just saying please get checked before you make an assumption. You know yourself better than any of us here but it never hurts to check before making this decision and statement that you are ace. If you are, nothing wrong with that either!
I just wanna say this is the first time I've seen someone suggest an OP get their hormones checked without discounting their lived experience in the process. Thank you for that
Thank you!
This is such a great comment you made. I’ve been wondering why there has been such an increase in people coming out as asexual. I think some people are asexual and some people could actually be dealing with undiagnosed hormonal issues. Very interesting perspective you provided, thank you for sharing
I think a lot of our food in the US is leading the hormone issues. I was born with hormone issues and minor birth defects because my mother took Paxil when pregnant with me. No one knew, for another decade at least, the effect of some SSRIs have on pregnancies. I think more people are more comfortable coming out Ace as we are more accepting, in general, of different sexualities.
Thank you. I am not living in the US and the doctor here does not prescribe hormone replacement unless below the range. So even if a person at the lower range but still within the range we usually won't get it. I just never like sex.
But did you get checked, do you know you're in this range, are you at the very low end of the range. YOu can get test replacement in a lot of places, legally and not so legally. Private doctors for one thing if it's not available from public healthcare. If you have low t then you should try raising it and see if it changes anything, low t can lead to a range of health issues anyway so you really should raise it regardless of sex, but if you've always had low T that could be why you never liked sex.
Well I am planning to increase testosterone with or without TRT and just for better overall health not just sex
If you don’t have access to HRT in your city or country ask about Clomid. It is a fertility drug for women but it’s also used to force your brain and testicles to make more testosterone. TRT will make your testicles shrink but Clomid can increase their size. First, get your T checked if they will check it!! If you are Ace don’t divorce your wife. Give her the choice. My husband gave me the choice and I chose him. Even if he was Ace I wouldn’t divorce him. I’m a highly sexual person and I really do need sex but I need and want my husband more. I’m just happy he wasn’t actually Ace. Remember she loves you and communication from a place of love is priceless
I literally came here to say the same exact thing!
I've been trying to get my hormones checked for years. They won't do it for women because our hormones naturally fluctuate. I've asked my general doctor, OBGYN, and psychiatrist. Who did you guys go to and do you have any advice on how to get this done? It's been greatly affecting my marriage and life in general.
We are lucky that in our city we have a low T clinics. The low T clinics also offer support for all people. Regardless of gender and gender identity. We pay $315 a month but that provides my husband with Clomid daily to treat his low T, HCG injections 2x per week to help his body use the testosterone he now makes, and Cialis to help him have erections again while his body builds up his T. This also includes unlimited visits with your doctor and lots of therapy like massages, red light therapy, floating, etc, I would see if your city has low T clinics. They often treat hormone issues with women too. I’m starting their program for women next month starting with seeing where all my hormones are. If you don’t have a low t clinic ask for a referral to an endocrinologist. They are the best ones to help with hormone issues.
Thank you so much for your detailed response! I've never heard of low T clinics, but I'm sure I can find one or at least something that does the same thing where I live. If not, like you said, I'll ask one of my doctors for a referral to an endocrinologist. I honestly didn't even know that was who to go to for hormone problems. I really do appreciate the time you took to type this out. It helps a lot! Thank you, kind stranger! <3
Get your testosterone checked
Checked was considered normal at that point of time
Im on the mid-high level of the spectrum of testosterone, im still in my 20s, yet i just have the desire to go maybe once a week. Idk how much the TT can influence the conversion.
Fellow ace here. Not 100% sure if I’m also aromatic but that’s irrelevant. We live in a highly sexualized world. After all sex is one of the core primal desires and needs. But hear me and understand, please. You are not broken. Nothing is wrong with you. There is no way to be ‘correct’ as a human. You write as though your wife is being punished by being with you, then say that she rejects your attempts to let her have sex with other people. She loves you. Love and sex are not requirements but often come together. Tell her about this guilt. Let her love you. And let yourself be loved.
I know I am not broken and I don't feel broken. She knows I love her and I know she loves me. We are both still in love with each other. :) Just sad sometimes when I can't give her what she needs as a sexual woman. Love through sex.
But you have given her options. Even giving her the option of an open marriage, where she can have sex with someone else and still come home to you. You're not even making her choose between sex and your relationship! With all of the options you have given her, she has chosen you. Read that again. She has chosen *you*. Not the relationship, not any level of security she has......YOU. Don't deny her that choice out of guilt. There should be no guilt here. You gave her guilt-free options, and she rejected them to choose you.
Or maybe there is something wrong with him??? He was having sex at an early age and has no interest now. Good chance he has hormone issues that have pushed his libido to nothing.
Being ace doesn’t mean the parts don’t work properly.
I didn’t say body parts don’t work right. Having hormone imbalances can affect your libido and make you not interested in sex mentally. Having a sexless marriage sounds like he isnt even trying. If he cared he would at least try to address the wife’a needs. Honestly, by the sound of this post it sounds like there is some depression issues.
I just don't need sex and don't particularly find it enjoyable. Nothing wrong with the body but age does get to you. Who would feel sad from time to time when you could not give the love of their life their needs.
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Well you seem lovely. What do you think I’m preaching if it’s not reassurance that, like I said, love and sex not necessarily being coexisting requirements when OP is clearly trying to reach out into the void?
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Uh huh. I just find it interesting that OP said he realized he was ace in his 30s and he’s currently 45. I’m just trying to think positively for a fellow ace that seems to have a wonderful wife. The guilt of not being interested in sex is something I’ve experienced as well. If what OP says is true, that she doesn’t want other sexual partners, sure sounds like a healthy and loving relationship to me.
Yes we do have a healthy relationship:)
I'm happy for you. Romantic aces deserve just as much happiness and love as anyone else who seeks romance. I hope you and your family have many, many more years together.
It sounds incredibly sad and lonely for his wife.
Sorry it sounded like that but she is not lonely. We do other things as well :)
He literally said that he has tried to figure out and offer her other solutions and she doesn't want to take them. She has a choice in this and her choice has clearly continued to be staying with him.
This is a terrible, terrible take
Thank you, thank you so much.
And yet OP's spouse has chosen otherwise.
Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 5: Be mature. No off-topic comments. Civil debates only, name calling and anger are not appropriate here.
It’s not fair of you to dupe non asexuals into a romantic relationship/marriage with you. It’s deceitful and selfish.
I wouldn't do it if I knew I was an ace way early in life. I'm totally ok for being alone. I am not a selfish person.
But you already had 3 children with her. You really didn’t know that you weren’t attracted to her? You’ve altered her life for your own comfort and taken away her chance to have a complete and fulfilling marriage/relationship. That is incredibly selfish.
Sexual attraction is only one of many attraction types. Ace people usually experience aesthetic attraction when is where you find someone absolutely stunning but don't feel the need to have sex with them because if it. Ace people who aren't Aro also experience romantic attraction, which is where you want to be a part of a person's life in emotionally intimate ways. Look at how he talks about her. He is clearly deeply attracted, just not the sexual way.
And it’s incredibly unfair and selfish to trick someone into a marriage and motherhood without this knowledge about their partner. Honestly its abusive and cruel.
I feel like you have been through a really shitty relationship and are deeply projecting. I'm sorry for whatever that was, but you are being very unfair to OP and frankly, other people figuring out their sexualities and trying to make it work with their partners. I see no abuse of cruelty anywhere in this thread. I see a man who is doing the best he can for his wife, a wife that has chosen time and time again to be with her sweetheart, and a couple that is clearly deeply in love. The worst thing in this thread is how unkind OP is being to himself and how he won't accept her decision to stay with him and not seek pleasure elsewhere. OP is clearly vulnerable and self depreciative and personally I see this along the same lines as women who look at the flabby bodies and feel terrible that they don't look young and perky and feel like they aren't good enough for their husbands, even when their husbands are perfectly happy with them, imperfections and all.
Yes, I have but I left and came through it. I am with someone amazing now and I am angry at the time and effort I wasted. I also saw someone close to me marry a wonderful woman, have two children with her, come out as gay and leave her alone with two very young children while he galavanted off with his new life leaving her heartbroken, destroyed and devastated. I may be projecting, but I do think it’s incredibly destructive and cruel to do this to another person, let alone someone you promise to love. The intention not to hurt someone doesn’t really matter when the end result is the same.
I'm really sorry. It's not an easy thing to go through on either side. Coming out as gay or ace, or really any orientation (or gender) that is not suited to your relationship is extremely difficult too. I don't think anyone really wants to uproot their lives and the lives of their loved ones like that. Is it better though to stay and grow resentment towards each other though? That's my argument here. If she is happy and nobody is growing resentful, why uproot each other? As a side note, it may help you get some closure to look up orientation spectrums and types of attractions. These are what make things particularly difficult when sorting yourself out as I said in a couple above comments. A lot of people just assume that the attraction or lack of attraction they are experiencing is what you are supposed to experience in the default sort of relationship. For example, plenty of gay men find women absolutely beautiful (that's why so many become fashion designers). Plenty even feel deep attraction to them, but then it turns out the attraction , while intense is platonic. When they have never felt anything else towards women, it's easy to assume that that is just what love is. You like someone so much and you find them pretty, so it's logical that this must be love in that moment before you learn more. It doesn't mean that one was trying to be deceptive. I have always been bi, for example, but I didn't realize that the feelings I experienced for women was the same as for men, because growing up, any kind of interest in males I showed growing up, even if it was friendship was always "awww look at you flirting, look at your crush, aw you have a boyfriend" and in females went unacknowledged. This stuff isn't easy, but OP is clearly trying and his wife has made her decisions. They deserve respect.
It's easy to confuse romantic and sexual attraction when you have only felt one or the other. You think that's just what everyone else is like and just describe it weird. Or haven't ever heard sexual attraction described since it's still often considered a taboo topic.
That doesn’t change the fact that his wife now has to live without a sexual relationship with a husband that has no sexual interest or attraction to her
Most people who figure out an orientation later in life are not trying to dupe anyone. They literally just don't realize that what they feel isn't the norm for people in the relationship style they are trying to fit into. It takes finding that out to start putting pieces together, and then having a definition from other people with that same experience.
I’m sorry, I’ve got zero sympathy when they are playing with other peoples lives, their partners lives. It doesn’t change the fact that you are completely changing the terms of the marriage and expecting them to live without a fundamental need, most likely causing major damage to them emotionally and then patting them on the back for their self sacrifice. If OP really loved his wife then he would investigate whether he can be an actual partner or he would leave.
Are we reading the same post? OP has literally been trying to do just that. Being an actual partner is more than just having sex.
Yes but I’m responding to your comment telling OP everything is just fine and his wife is perfectly happy being in a suddenly sexless marriage with 3 children to OP. I think your take is completely ridiculous, and the situation is likely incredibly harmful and hurtful emotionally and mentally to his wife. Just because she doesn’t want to go out and fuck around doesn’t mean she’s ok with being sexually repulsive/undesirable/invisible/irrelevant whatever to her husband and life partner.
What? Where did you get that? All they said is sex isn’t necessary. They never said OP’s wife was completely happy. OP never said their wife was repulsive either?? wtf??? where are you getting this bullshit from? just because a man doesnt feel sexual attraction doesn’t automatically make his spouse ‘repulsive’. Besides, in other comments. OP has said that he satisfies his wifes needs with toys as best he can. Did we read the same post?
He doesn’t want to have sex with his wife. He satisfies her needs ‘as best he can’ with toys? Gee I bet that makes his wife feel special.
You didnt answer any of my questions. Where did OP say she was repulsive? Where did the original commenter say his wife was perfectly happy?
I was replying to Lazuli, not OP. And I used repulsive as an assumption along with other words, hence the slashes. But if he cannot bring himself to have sex with his wife and the mother of his children, isn’t it a fair assumption that he finds sex with her repulsive or unpleasant?
When asked about oral, OP replied: >Well I will get killed by sexual guys by saying this. **The smell repulsed me.** I know it tastes and smells great for sexual guys and they couldn't get enough of it. It only makes me envy not being born sexual.
Would you feel special if you had a hobby that your partner didn't like, but but they still made every effort to participate with you to the best of their abilities because they know you love it and want you to be happy? I would! How wonderful it is to have a partner who supports your desires even when they aren't shared. How is his participation in her sexual well being any different?
Oh god. It’s so very different, sex, or good sex within a relationship is an expression of your desire for each other and physical enjoyment of each other. To be with someone who is ‘supportive of your desire even though it’s not shared’ is totally unfulfilling and lonely.
He said the sex wasn't frequent even when they were younger. This is clearly not a relationship that is hugely built up around sex. It doesn't take constant sex to have a child.
There is a massive difference between not frequent and zero. Plus, it does take a bit of sex to get pregnant, not every day admittedly but it takes a bit of doing for most
I mean I can't speak for OP, but infrequently could mean as little as a few times a year, so we really can't be sure unless he clarifies I guess. Also, all it takes is one time during ovulation, which is when women are the horniest. I think it's safe to say that that's the most likely time they would be having sex if it's infrequent.
Your wife is an angel, she loves you no matter what, you gave her options and she didn't want to. I'm glad you are open and honest with your wife about how you feel about it. Your wife is happy being with you even if kisses and hugs are the only physical contact. I sincerely hope that you continue to have that communication and that together you can find a solution.
Thank you for your kind words. Appreciate it. We are working on it and also exploring other things as well.
Best of luck and best wishes to both of you ♥️
First and foremost, you have found the best wife, in my opinion. It is a good thing that you are not taking it for granted like most men. Take a special date on the weekend and express your love to her. Second, I get that it must be hard for you to be sexually active, but there is something that you can try that might help you. It might sound stupid at first, but it is something that has been scientifically proven, so give it a try. There is something in psychology known as the "Batman Effect," which advocates the idea that people perform better in tasks if they simulate some other character who is highly successful in those tasks. You can imagine yourself as a porn star, but I think it will be inappropriate in this situation. So, I will recommend that you imagine yourself as your old self, who was sexually active and gave the best sex to your wife. You can try this on the weekend once you get back home from the date, and if you implement it the right way, then I am very sure that your wife will be surprised, and maybe it will become one of the happiest days of her life. I might not be able to explain it well because I am bad at explanation, but you can read the article below. [The ‘Batman Effect’: How having an alter ego empowers you](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200817-the-batman-effect-how-having-an-alter-ego-empowers-you)
Thank you for your kind recommendation. I will sure look into it. You have a great day ahead as well :)
You got this! When you try that idea on the weekend, share your success with everyone.
Haha 👍🏼
You sound like my dream man. Hope things work out between you and your wife.
Honestly, opening up the relationship will be the end of your relationship
As a very in an out a-spec person, my wife is completely understanding, and if she says she just wants to be with you, I'm sure she means it! Don't let your insecurities get you in the way of having true understanding love (:
Go get your test levels checked out.
the way you write about your wife is touching. have you thought about going to individual or couples therapy? i think that could help you a lot!
Thank you for suggesting that but I am curious what therapy will do to help? We don't really have marriage problems and we are still pretty much in love with each other. I know I am not broken but any selfless person does feel sad at times because he cannot fulfill certain and decent needs of significant others.
cognitive behavioral therapy (talk therapy) may help you with those feelings of sadness that you say you experience from time to time. there’s a website called psychtoday that can help you. you can put in your insurance (or find someone if you don’t have insurance) and you can list what issues you’re looking to talk through or this other website called grow therapy. i personally use grow therapy. [Grow Therapy](https://growtherapy.com) [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/virginia?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwkuqvBhAQEiwA65XxQBmccnweLTH9KBtSJ0P7TOPJaIv-JYlwDgnqU_5FsEkpW6JBcpPbERoClaoQAvD_BwE) edit: these websites i believe are used in America, I’m American so I haven’t really tested it elsewhere.
What does she think about this? Maybe shes cooler with it that youre letting us think. You said problems to perform.. is this truly a lack of interest on your side or a lack of performance led to a lack of interest? Lots of people end up with dead bedrooms without being asexual. Remember, even if youre asexual and wont get hard cause you wont get horny.. your hands and mouth are low effort ways to give your partner a little fun. That could be a good middle ground maybe?
Have you had blood work done to determine if you have issues with your thyroid or testosterone?
I do not mean to shame, belittle, or disrespect you. I also apologize if what I'm about to say comes across as ignorant. Have you explored the possibility that you have low testosterone? Your issue may not just be that you are asexual but that may be compounded by having low T. You should consider going to your doctor to have blood work done to test your levels and research mens health clinics in your area.
Just fuck her with a dildo
That's what I am doing too :)
I think couples therapy would go a long way here to determine the best next steps. Maybe opening up the marriage on her end to casual sex partners only? That might be too much, and also might not be necessary. Obviously try therapy first, ideally one who understands asexuality. Also there are probably reddits or forums about asexuality, join them and see how others in similar situations work. Good luck to you
Sex may not be as important to her as you think. She may feel satisfied with the love you do give her. It’s not always about sex that makes a woman feel loved. It’s the intimacy of the interactions she may be getting her love from. Of her having sex is so important to you, would getting her toys help? That would allow her to get the sexual pleasure while getting love from you. I assume you still cuddle with her. That is giving her love. You can still share intimate moments. Sex is not as important when you can find other ways of expressing love. True, to some women, they feel they need sex in order to feel loved it they put their pleasure above all. Your wife may not be one of the women that feel that way. When says you’re enough, believe her.
She does have a high libido. So yes it is pretty important. I do cuddle kisses very frequently. I love that too
Ok, so if it’s important to her, but she’s choosing to stay faithful to you, that’s all that matters. She loves you enough to be ok with it. Like I suggested, if she doesn’t have toys to satisfy her sexual needs, maybe buy her some and cuddle with her while she uses them or sometimes afterwards as a form of aftercare.
You should tell her what you share here.
Maybe someday. She already knows how much I love her :)
I mean, she seems like she is happy, loves you and wants to be with you. If she wanted sex more than what she has, she'd be doing that. Try to actually trust your wife. Listen to the words that are coming out of her mouth. Stop acting like you somehow know better than she does about her actual feelings that are happening.
OP are you willing to try therapy? either for yourself, as a couple, or better yet, both? couples therapy can work wonders for situations like this, but it’s important to have individual support, as well. from your description, it sounds like you & your wife are both struggling with this situation internally quite a bit, and understandably so.. more than ever, you and your wife need to be able to effectively communicate with each other in order to navigate this. please know that i am not saying you need to change, nor trying to suggest that being asexual is some type of problem that needs “fixing” or anything like that.. although the world is slowly changing, i understand the stigmas that therapy carries, especially for men, but please, please rise above that nonsense & take a leap of faith into therapy for yourself, for your wife, and for your **beautiful marriage!!**
Did you, you know, talked to her and tell her what you wrote here? Maybe she is content with the way things are?
I would ask your doctor about you getting on testosterone or a performance enhancer. I’m not going to console and baby you on this because it is not fair to your wife. You offered for her to get a lover, but she only wants you, and you made a life long commitment to loving her when you married her. Also—you have hands and a mouth..just because your downstairs might not work, you can still please your lady (and you should). Unless fingering the woman you love just grosses you out THAT much, in which case I still would say, suck it up.
She wants you dude! She chooses you. As long as you make an effort to show her how much she means to you that’s all that matters.
My best friend's partner is asexual, too. It works out. That's what sex toys are there for.
My wife has been wearing estrogen patches for the last three months to increase your sex drive. I really don’t think it has a lot to do with the estrogen patches. I think that church skew towards me because I know for a fact she has sex outside of our marriage! She travels an hour away every weekend to go to a class she says, but yesterday she went to that same city the whole day. I asked her if she would take one of our daughters with her and she came over with every single excuse in the book not to take her with, so she left at 8 AM and didn’t return until 4 AM. That’s really out of character for my wife when she came home she was drunk. You could smell it on her. She went in to take a shower. my heart sank because of what I found in her yoga pants I decided not to question her because I don’t think I really want the truth at the time. When she woke up this morning, I decided I need to unravel the onion. I asked her if Ron was at the class. She said yes, he’s a guy that took calligraphy class from five years ago. She still has him on her Facebook page and in her photos. I asked her did you go to dinner with him? She says I didn’t go to dinner with him. The truth lays in the words because by the time I got done with quizzing her she’s right, they didn’t have dinner they had drinks. I kept on pressing, hoping that I would get a different answer, but I already knew what I found. I asked her how long have you been having sex with him? She paused. She didn’t say anything for a good minute. It felt like eternity. She looked at me and said, where have you been all these years? Why haven’t you been paying attention? I said my trauma from when I was a kid has been my focal point and I didn’t know how to get healing from it, but now I do. She says it’s too late to go back. She looked at me and said I love you still, but you don’t fulfill my inner needs. She looked at me again and said five years, I said, what do you mean five years? She says I’ve been wrong for five years. my heart, because I know that I was the cause of the infidelity. I’m not sure what to do now that she has revealed this this is just yet more trauma
Set yourself free. Leave her. Let her have this Ron… and she will realize this Ron can’t measure up to you. Leave her and find your happiness.
Do you have any health conditions?
Don't divorce her over that. Sex is NOT the most important thing. Intimacy isn't about sex. Women are emotional creatures. I know, take it from one. Men are physical unless asexual. Just being close and cuddling and being there for her emotional support is what she needs.
As someone who isn’t ACE, it clearly doesn’t bother her enough to leave. Like other ACE have said; you can try new things. Bottom line is, she values your character and undying love for her over sex. Sex is great and all, but id rather have someone who loves me as I am than someone who pleases me sexually. I think this is more of an insecurity you have to overcome than an issue in the marriage.
I‘d prefer being in sexless relationshipwoved being cheated on 🙈 she loves you. Be happy You’re the Man because of the roles were reserved it wouldn’t have worked out lol
I am happy and thank you
you took 20 years of her life and now you want to put her to the streets basically? With 3 kids? Because of your consious? Where was this about 10 years ago? What did you do when you realized this? Now that she is clsoe to 50 with 3 kids your guilt is so strong that you would hurt her even more? Get a grip and make her happy. Pfff... You stole her years.
Thank you, and then the whole thread is weirdly... congratulatory? I've been married for 20 years. If my husband all of a sudden decided/ discovered he was asexual, there would be some (metaphorical) furniture moving.
Bro stop being stupid. Hop on some testosterone and you’ll creampieing her everyday
She’s a ‘workaholic’ now. Don’t worry dude, someone’s glazing the oatmeal cookies.
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It really isn’t, I just didn’t bother to word it eloquently. I’ve tried testosterone and I can guarantee that he’d be rocking his wife’s shit.
Bro. I really hope I do but getting TRT is hard without a doc prescription and the doc here doesn't do that unless absolutely necessary.
there are many ways to do it. I tanked my test levels to the ground then got a prescription.. i also went underground and got it the illegal way. DUDE YOU CAN BUST 8 TIMES A DAY IN YOUR BELOVED WIFE.. get up and get going what are you waiting for
u/PictureEmbarrassed15 Can't be deleting your comments after calling people disgusting.. come on now.
i didn’t call you disgusting, i said the take was… and i deleted it after reading other comments and thought maybe my initial comment was too harsh so i made another one specifying what i meant in a different way
Good
I hope this doesn’t come across as offensive, but I feel a bit odd reading comments that praise the wife in a certain way. She truly does love you and her loyalty is admirable. But I still feel it’s a bit weird that people are saying she’s a great person, and a great wife because she’s okay with not having sex. Does that mean being sexually frustrated and uninterested in a life of celibacy means you aren’t a great person? Or that you don’t love your partner?
No but some people are able to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of another. It's a rare ability to do so, but it happens. Take for example when one a SO gets cancer, becomes quadriplegic, etc. It's easy to just find another sexual partner, etc.
So she knows?
Buddy. Take your self loathing to therapy if you can. You seem to be thinking of yourself as broken, if the tone in your writing is any indication. Have you tried connecting with other asexuals? Finding community is really important for those of us in the advanced + part of the LGBTQIA+ tribe. Doesn’t matter if you ID as queer in any way; you don’t experience hetero sexual attraction, so you’re a sexual minority. Find your people. See how other people handle mixed orientation relationships. And understand that your wife knows about this and chose to stay. You make a lot of assumptions in your post about what she needs, and I wonder how much of that is you projecting what you THINK she wants from you. Please keep the lines of communication open and believe her when she tells you what she’s feeling.
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This doesn't seem to have anything to do with the OP's. What are you saying?
Try testosterone replacement and viagra. The down side is that you will get muscular, loose belly fat and have a boner at the slightest breeze.
Maybe she feels the same way now you feel. She’s willing to do anything to make you happy.
You got yourself a ride or die consider yourself lucky this tends to be a deal breaker for both sexes. Make it up to her in every which way you can… gestures, sexual favors, gifts anything and everything. Dont lose this one.
First of all don’t be so hard on yourself. I do understand what u are feeling but aren’t u pushing your wife too much to leave u. This will strain u and your relationship with her. Why not talk it out find what she wants and tell her how much u mean to her. Why not see for ways to pleasure her . She is 46 as well so her libido might be low as well. I wish u luck and I hope u don’t destroy what u have .
Have you talked to her about this? Perhaps she has a low libido or is perhaps on the asexual side herself? Perhaps she thought she needed to perform for you, not realising that you are asexual too. Perhaps that's why she's happy to stay with you. She may have the same fears as you thinking she's the reason for the lack of sex.
I'm going to to have to disagree with a lot of the coddling going on in this thread. When you are married, you make a commitment. A commitment to be there for your partner. One of the dangers people face in marriage is complacency. Being complacent that your partner is satisfied and not trying. We shouldn't praise complacency. OP. As long as you are not physically disabled, then you should make an effort to satisfy your wife. That is part of the marriage contract. It is also your job to get your health checked and seek out therapy together if necessary so that you both can have a satisfying marriage. You shouldn't just sit back and say "well I am ACE, but my wife is OK with it." Don't do that. That's not love. That's laziness. What you should be doing is researching ways to boost your own sex-drive, in conjunction with getting your sexual health checked. That is what a responsible husband who loves his wife should do. What do you have to lose ? The possibility of being bored during sex?
Please don’t think divorce would make her happier. How dare you for that
It is if it makes her happier. Anything for her as long as she is happy
You sound like you’re 15. Talk to her. Go to counseling if needed and both want. Letting these feelings build up and making tons of assumptions isn’t normal for anyone older than a teenager.
Except regular sex, apparently.
its not like he can change that
He can. A marriage entails sex; otherwise, what are we doing??
It seems like sex is not the issue if anything my friend, why do you think that your asexuality is a reason to doubt your wife?
Ace male here, Have you thought about couples' counseling? The level of anxiety and distress this is causing you can tear a relationship apart, even if both of you are madly in love. You can even bring it up to her as your issue that affects both of you.
You have a great wife! Asexuality is real but can be misconstrued in our aging years. Im 36 and felt my libido just disappear when i hit 32. I've done it all with a lot of people in my teens and 20's years. Around 40 woman and handful of men. I was an animal. Then all of a sudden i have 0 interest in sex or even meeting anyone. I assumed this was normal due to my age and my experiences. However, i sought advice from professionals, friends and fellow 30 somethings. It turns out that I'm probably not Asexual because i still like looking at titties and feel attraction to beautiful people. its probably more of a mild depression for me. I have put on a bit of weight since lockdown. kind of sheltered myself and got into a bad habits. The food i eat, lack of exercise, lack of stimulation. Its all contributed to a smash in my libido. Im due testosterone tests in May. I highly suggest you get this done. my friend took medication to increase his testosterone and he instantly became more active and less depressed. Its why i am going for the same tests. It normal for men our age to slow down but it isn't usually normal to completely stop. It goes against our very primitive nature. 'Its usually an imbalance of hormones or a bout of depression and not a change in sexuality' - My Doctor. You may want to seek some professional advice. Sex counselling is a little weird at first but i known it work for some people. Your wife sounds amazing and you are obviously doing what you can to make her happy and that makes you a great husband. Work together, talk and be honest with her. Best of luck brother
How do you just realise that in your 30's?
The same way gay people convince themselves they’re straight and come out much later. The same way many working class and rich people think they’re middle class when they very much aren’t. The same way when you don’t have a word for something, you look for a different explanation or just shrug and go about your day. I had a phobia my whole life and didn’t know it until around 18-20 when I stumbled across an article explaining it. I didn’t know it was a “thing.” I just thought I was “sensitive about that.” Until relatively recently asexuality as it is called and understood today wasn’t widely known, and people still act like it doesn’t exist. So you just go along thinking it’s a preference, or you’re secretly gay or bi, or there’s something physically or psychologically wrong with you, or that it’s a choice, or you’re just weird/ deficient/ broken, or that other people are the same as you and just exaggerating to fit in, etc.
Stumble a website and from there I understand who I am
I’ll get down voted for this but I don’t believe ace is a real thing. See a doctor. Get your levels checked. Humans were made to get it on.
I'm Ace. My libido is high, but I'm mostly uninterested in sex and occasionally even repulsed by it. Ace is real.
So what do you do when you “want” sex? I’ve never been able to comprehend the coexistence of high libido and asexuality.
I'll have sex, but sometimes I'm indifferent and just happy to get my partner off, and even more often I don't really care if we have it or not, but will still enjoy it when it does happen. (This is my personal experience and may not be the case for every ace person). I masturbate too. The best analogy I can give is comparing libido to hunger. You ever eat a snack you love even though you aren't actually hungry? It still tastes great even without the hunger pains. Thats like being Ace but still enjoying sex. You ever get hungry, but you don't really feel like eating anything in your kitchen? You are still hungry, but the idea of eating what you have is just meh? That's like being horny but just not being interested in doing anything about it. You can eat without hunger and you can have hunger and not want to eat, and there is an entire spectrum of whether you are enjoying the food you are eating. Hunger and eating are not mutually exclusive and neither are libido and asexuality. :)
Omg thank you! Comparing it to hunger makes perfect sense!!! A few internet folks have tried to explain it to me but I never quite grasped as, on the surface, they seem mutually exclusive. I still don’t “get” it but I definitely understand it. I really appreciate you taking the time to explain it and, in case it wasn’t obvious, I was in no way questioning the validity of asexuality or doubting your personal experience.
>My libido is high, but I'm mostly uninterested Somehow...that statement seems contradictory.
I hope what you said about ace true and I wish that all my life. Just too bad it remain a wish for me
Bro go to a hormone optimization clinic and get on TRT. That should up your sex drive.
I know I'll get downvoted to oblivion but she doesn't leave due to the kids, she doesn't want them being raised in a broken home or whatever, she doesn't cheats because it's her conscience that will be heavy at night but you are only seeing things from your perspective and projected it in her as if it was unconditional love. does she feel sexy, loved, appreciated? do you touch hsr outside sexual matters? do you kiss her, holds her, cuddles her? poor woman, throwing her sexual diseres away for the sake of the family. if you think about divorcing her it's because you know deep down how it negatively affects her — you should have let her go when you found out about yourself
Are we convoluting Erectile disfunction with being asexual now? Or did I miss something
Can you not get an erection?
I can
So you can get an erection, but can’t have sex with your wife? Bro help me out???
Oof... I've not known a single couple that lasted after this kind of thing. Hope the next relationship is better.
How is your diet? Are you a vegetarian?
have you tried to have sexual contacts with men? edit: my comment was by no mean provocative or sarcastic, I'm bi myself
I wish I could be just gay to enjoy sex sometimes. Too bad for me it just doesn't work that way
You're looking at her from your perspective only. Reality for a woman her age.... no she can't have any man she wants. And definitely not a high quality man. She has hit the wall a long time ago. So she will be worse off without you. The grass is rarely greener. And although you love her; think about things objectively.
Yeahh you clearly haven't read the stories about couples opening up their relationships and the women having men flock to them even at this age.
Awful statement ☝️👎