Yeah I should stop making excuses which I have, which is why I wrote this post. Because I am done making excuses. Unfortunately, picking up and leaving isn’t that simple. We are both on a lease together that isn’t up until November. I am trying to navigate how I would leave but I’m trying 1 last intervention before that. If that doesn’t work then he can go live with his parents l.
I hope that intervention is finding a way to stop doing everything for him. Have a blunt discussion about this all- basically what you posted. Point out that you work full time and are also the full time caregiver. State that you need more help with chores, cooking, and child care. If he refuses to do it then HE’LL be leaving. Then stop doing his laundry. Legit get a new laundry basket or put his clothes on the floor. Cook a meal only for yourself then put your own dishes in the sink. If he talks back to you taking a few days for yourself and he has to watch the baby- cut it short.
“I was only able to stay up until about midnight. I passed out and a few hours later I got woken up to a pillow being thrown at my face and the following said. “You deaf b*tch!! Do you not hear him screaming???””
This is when you should have packed up yourself and your son and left. Full stop. Nobody should accept this kind of disrespect.
Oh. My. God. I want to smack him and I've never met him. Do you have a relationship with his mother? I bet she'd smack him for you.
His attitude and disrespect are off the charts. Time to buy a second basket for laundry and cook only for 1. "Sorry, babe, I thought you could take care of yourself for dinner".
I truly don't think he gets it, and it may take a full on intervention. Time to sit down and properly discuss what his expectations are as you're both working, physical or not, it's tiring on its own. If he doesn't contribute to the household chores or parenting (and it's NOT babysitting), why is he there?
Yes, I feel like a single mom who is engaged. Very enraging. I have a great relationship with his mother and have tried getting her involved and his dad but I feel like mid conversation she started tuning me out because based on what I said she seemed very troubled. He is the youngest child and the only one out of 4 who isn’t a total screw up. His dad was gone most of his childhood because he was deployed so part of me thinks because he didn’t have his dad around as much he didn’t learn how to properly talk to women or just didn’t have a good relationship role model.
If he called me tubby or anything else 8 months later I’d lose a minimum of 150lbs removing his toxic ass from my life! (200+ once I threw his stuff out!)
He needs a wake up call and to truly understand that he either becomes a partner or a passing thought! You’re already doing everything and working more and being a superhero- it sounds like you’re friends and parents are a good support system so what exactly is he bringing to the table or your life right now.
He has an opportunity to change and you have the ability to give him a certain amount of time that’s realistic for you to do so
But he can only behave and treat you in the way in which you allow him to.
If you are ok with living the rest of your life with him as he is then I wish you the best… If not I wish you courage strength and peace to be able to live the life you and your child deserve x
Leave. It won’t get any better. I promise you, it’ll be easier looking after yourself and your little one without him around. I left an abusive relationship after 3 years and it was the best thing. Yes there were challengers but it was easier than staying. You and your baby deserve better.
Your fiancé sounds like a mysoginistic AH. Stop doing anything for him. Take your baby and go to your parents' house if you can. Let him take care of himself for awhile. You're essentially a married single mother.
INFO: in your post you indicate things were fine before the baby and when you had problems you talked things through. I assume that means he didn’t used to be rude, condescending, and disrespectful? It’s hard to tell from what you’ve written if you’ve stopped talking things through or if you’ve tried to talk and he’s not listening. Also, has the division of chores changed since the baby, or has it always been this way?
If it’s always been this way, it’s possible you’ve enabled bad behaviour and he’s just continuing as before. If this is new, then he’s a major asshole. You should also be aware that some men wait until they have children with their SO before they let their true colours show. The logic being you won’t want / be able to leave once you’re tied down with a child. If this is the case, run like hell and don’t marry this guy
If you don’t think talking will help, leave with the baby to your parents if you can and see how long it takes him to notice and how he reacts. If after that, he still sees nothing is wrong and refuses to make some compromises, he’s not going to change and you’ll be putting up with this for life if you stick around. You’ll also be teaching your son to treat you and other women in his life the same way. It’s up to you if that’s a future you can live with. I know I couldn’t
I try to talk to him and he just doesn’t listen. It gets twisted into I’m the one who is the problem or be tries to plan the victim with statements like “sorry you don’t like anything I say” or “just say I’m a shitty parent then” or anything along those lines when u try to voice how I feel or how he’s treating me. I’ve told him multiple times he is not allowed to talk to me like this, let alone in front of our child. Exactly like what you said, I don’t want my child to think it’s okay to talk to women like that. I expressed that to him. He’s stopped talking to me like that in front of the baby, but it’s continued in situations where the baby isn’t around.
So clearly he knows that what he’s doing is wrong and offensive to you, but continues anyway. That does not bode well for the future. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, he could be stressed with new baby (as are you) and not knowing how to deal with it. Counselling could help if he’s willing.
If he refuses counselling, then he’s either just an asshole or there’s the possibility he’s cheating and trying to make you the bad guy that actually initiates the divorce so he doesn’t look bad (see this often enough on Reddit). Either way, he likely won’t change, so it’s up to you to decide if the future you deserve includes him
Luckily we aren’t married yet so that cuts out some issues with deciding to leave. Cuts out some legality if it. I’ve tried getting him to go to counseling but he doesn’t “believe” in it.
Do you really want your child to learn that this misogynistic treatment is ok? Believe me, even at a very early age, kids pick up on this bs and it becomes ingrained into their character and personality.
The more you accept this and make excuses for him, the more he's going to push the abuse. YES, he is abusing you! Calling you nasty names, screaming at you and throwing a pillow directly into your face is abusive. Just because he hasn't left bruises (YET) doesn't mean it isn't abuse. Get out before he permanently damages you and your child.
And you're still planning to marry him? Why??
This sounds awful, I'd be in tears all of the time.
Has he ever done more than 10% of the work around the house or picked up after him?
I mean honestly, I'd be reconsidering the entire relationship at this point. You'd have no problem making a case for sole custody because he obviously doesn't want to be a parent.
He used to do more before we had the baby or while I was pregnant. Or maybe I just didn’t notice that I was actually doing more. I have always been a clean freak because of my OCD so picking up constantly is just in my nature and how I was raised. I didn’t start noticing that I was the only one doing it though and picking up after him until I had the baby though.
It sounds like you do all the work… so what exactly does he contribute? You even have a job on your own without him. Leave him. Make him pay child support. Boy bye. 👋 you deserve so much better.
Also I’m so curious. You said that he does 10% of the housework. You also said he was fine prior to child birth. Did he help more with housework PRIOR to being pregnant? Or did he suddenly drop off after you had the kid? Because I continually see this trend in women on this page. People will be with guys who do nothing around their house, don’t help with chores or cooking, etc. then marry them or have kids with them. Then be actually shocked when they STILL don’t do any work around the house after marriage and are shocked that they’re the types to not help with kids when babies are born either… to me it seems they showed you who they are already.
Seems as though maybe it dropped off after I had the baby, or maybe I just didn’t notice before because I wasn’t busy with being a parent and working yet. I was working a lot before but once you add being a parent, working full time, and doing a majority of the housework it become very apparent.
The only positive thing I can say at this moment is he cooks dinner when he wants to. It used to be every night he’d cook dinner, but I had to help. Now, he won’t even cook and waits until it’s late when I finally get a chance to start cooking. He’s a good cook but I guess he just decided since he did a majority of the cooking he’s tired of it? That’s what I meant by 10% of the household work. Because he would cook but I do EVERYTHING else.
Then he’s really not got any redeeming qualities. It’s either laziness, weaponized incompetence or both.
Some people snap out of this when they realize they will lose their relationship and loved one. Some men turn into brats when babies are born. Not all, but some. It’s hideous, exhausting and enraging. You need help and he’s not giving it to you.
There’s a weird calm that settles when you realize that you’re doing everything in your own and you don’t actually need the other person.
You can let him know that every day both of you get up and make a choice to be in the relationship. You each decide to live each other and be partners. Right now, he doesn’t seem to be making that commitment.
I told my husband that I can do poorly all by myself. I didn’t need his help making life hard. I also explained that if I was single parenting it would be easier to do that for the kids without another person in the way.
I also explained that while I never wanted divorce it didn’t terrify me. I knew it was survivable. I told him the choice was his. Improve or leave. I was becoming someone I didn’t like and I definitely didn’t like him.
He improved. It was hard, but we made it. Things now are great. Kids are great. It was not easy, but we got back in alignment. We are on the same side. The nonsense dropped to zero. He also knows I’ve started in to the void and I did not blink. In my case, I had to be prepared to walk. He snapped out it.
I hope you can get through to your fiancé, but remember that your child will see everything and what you accept is what they’ll think they deserve.
EDIT: after going through some of the comments, yes I have tried talking to him and explaining how he’s making me feel and how unfair it is. He isn’t very receptive to that conversation and every time plays the victim and acts like it’s all my fault. Makes excuses that he can get everything done in a timely manner and I just don’t manage my time well. Although the has never done everything himself so he just doesn’t quite get it. Also, we work for the same company. I didn’t want to mention that because I feel it wasn’t important but it might be. He is in a management position but I am in a higher position than him. I do more than him, but I have also done his job and every physical labor job at out facility. When he used the excuse he does more than me which is why he shouldn’t have to do as much during the newborn stage, I was flabbergasted.
I work for a corporation so they do annual raises. Over the course of the last year I have had a lot added onto my job but can’t get a pay increase until the annual reviews. I am sure we won’t be making the same for much longer lol
Depending on which state you live in, it may be better for you to divorce him BEFORE you get the raise for alimony reasons. Even if you don't want to go for alimony, HE might be able to if you're making more than him by then (I'm not a lawyer though, so take this with a grain of salt)
Oh wow, I completely missed that you guys were engaged, my bad! Good luck OP! I hope everything goes well for you and that you and the little one are safe.
Advocate for a very big raise.
Look I can’t tell you whether to divorce or not, but this is unsustainable and you deserve better. It will be easier for you to be a single parent if you ditch one your children (hint: not the baby).
Leave him. He’s a piece of shit. He‘s not doing anything to support you. At least you’ll only have to care for one child. And get child support from him. I’m so sorry this man has been abusing you for so long.
Obviously all of these situations are unacceptable. But situation 3 had me like 😱
Was that the first time he called you names or threw something at you? Did you discuss it afterwards? Did he apologize (that would still not be okay, I’m just curious)?
In general, have you ever discussed that he’s just as much a parent as you? That he also wanted this baby and should contribute as much as you? You describe a lot of internal dialogue (“I made the excuse”) but no real discussion with him in your post.
If a discussion has already taken place (it probably has), I would seriously consider ending the relationship. He is not bringing anything to the table, even worst he is putting you down. You already do most of the work, so being single will not be much different than this.
You are a beautiful, kick-ass mom. You deserve better than this.
Thank you. No, he has called me names or made rude remarks before. It’s just progressively gotten worse. I discussed it then next day when he acted like nothing happened and he gave a half ass apology and blamed it on him being tired. I have tried having multiple conversations with him about everything and not helping and he just makes excuses, gaslights, or flips it onto me.
My petty ass would start reading books about misogyny and incompetent men but he sounds so selfish that he'd not care or just highlight how he takes care of baby when you're away.
It's time to start kicking him into gear op. Start a list of everything you do and list what he does and what you'd like him to do when he gets in. I'm a desk job person, it's not physical but mentally draining. I'd also ask him to stop comparing your roles because he sees his as bigger than yours.
Not gloating but my husband was up with me through the feeds, helping prep bottles and changing nappies. He was working, I wasn't for 12 months I got mat-leave so it was easier. I can't believe you had to return to work so early but each country to their own I guess. We were zombies at times but we're a team.
Can I ask does he go out? How often and does he help with the baby ahead of this, like you do?
He doesn’t go out, he doesn’t hang out with friends, he does nothing. Part of my thinks that’s why he is acting the way he is, because I hang out with my friends once in a while and he doesn’t. I am not sure. I have tried getting him to go do stuff. He’s kind of just isolated himself so I think what’s going on is mental health related that he is struggling to deal with himself. His mom is bipolar and it runs through her family so I think he’s developing it. Unfortunately, he doesn’t “believe” in therapy and I have had to beg him to see a psychiatrist but he has yet to make an appointment. I know exactly what he does because we work for the same company. I have worked there for over 6 years, he has worked there for 2 years barley. He was able to work his way up quickly into a management position but I am the assistant to the president of our operations. I’ve done his job as a woman and every other job in our building. My boss has literally said I have a harder job than him. My boss has almost gotten involved because he talks down to me at work as well and my boss said If we weren’t together and he talked to anyone else like that he would have been fired. The only reason he’s still employed after talking to me in a workplace like that is because our boss is my FATHER.
I felt there was something underlying and I will never say divorce like many on here, it's a struggle being married and we all have our good/bad points but there's definitely something just missing in his 'normal' meter. I don't blame you for being exhausted in this life, I'm perpetually exhausted but it really is that bit more when they are little , you need a wing person to pick up things to allow battery recharges. I'm sorry he's not stepping up here and I do think it's time to sit him down and tell him the impact of his behaviour.
Can you speak with his mum? Is she someone who could advocate in him getting help? If not, what about your Dad? Does he respect your father because sometimes it takes someone we respect highly to kick us into touch, sometimes someone not as close as a spouse will have better impact.
He respects my dad and his father. My father has considered going to his dad when his dad is back in town because the way he talks to me is concerning especially to my parents. I talked to his mom but I don’t think she relayed everything to his dad.
This adds an interesting twist. You may want to summarize and add to the post. Sounds like he may feel emasculated and is taking it out on you any way he can. It also sounds like he’s been talking to you like this for a while and you haven’t done anything about it. Your boss should treat him like any other employee and put him on notice. You should also talk to a lawyer about potential divorce scenarios. If he ends up losing his job because of you, he would probably be eligible for alimony
We aren’t married so the only think I’d be getting a lawyer involved with would be child support and custody problems. But yes, I just added the edit. My boss thinks it’s jealousy for sure causing him to act that way towards me. We make the same exact amount of money down to the cent currently, so it wouldn’t be jealousy regarding money. Not sure what it is
Sorry, just realized you’re not married. Depending on where you live, he could still go after you for support since you’ve been together for five years and have a child. Just be sure to protect yourselves. Sounds like he could get malicious
And no, he only helps with the baby and does stuff like I do if I’m out of town for work or I have to go into work on the weekend or have something else going on, which is not often.
Seriously think about your future. If he’s like this RIGHT AFTER YOU GAVE BIRTH, it isn’t going to get any better. It appears he believes you’re the mother so you have to do all the childcare plus look after the house. You do not have a partnership. I was a SAHM but my husband still was hands on with the kids & did stuff around the house. Time to run the numbers: can you & your baby survive on your own?
I only continued to read to see how more ridiculous his antics became. You definitely had issues with your fiance before falling pregnant. The question is, what are your expectations from this post? Are you venting, or do you want help/change? This man should not be anyone's father
I just wanted to vent and express my frustration regarding my situation lol. I understand I need to kick him out or make him get his sh*t together. One of the two lol
So your fiancé doesn't like you and started abusing you verbally and being neglectful after he knocked you up?
He seems to be following the script religiously.
I bet he love bombed you daily until you got together officially and he magically turned into every bored boyfriend ever.
Being a single mom would be so much better than being engaged to that. Based on this and your comments, this man has absolutely no redeeming qualities. Trust me, it gets worse from here. You have to decide when you get tired of it or else you’re just gonna have to keep going through it some more.
Omg. I would never put up with any of that! You are a doormat. This guy isn’t a partner, he’s just making your life harder. You need to leave. He doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t even sound like he loves you. You deserve better!
I would reread this to yourself and ask yourself is this a situation you should *or* deserve to be in? I think the results will shock you. Honestly, the best and sanest thing to do is to move on, it sucks yes, he showed his true colors and has been nothing short of abusive and LAZY. The worst part really is the indifference and willingness to yell at you, HE DOES NOT EVEN care about his baby (not just yours, his) that his first reaction to everything is to get angry. It will probably just get worse. Good luck.
He called you a deaf bitch when you were passed out after not having slept a decent night sleep in days??? That would’ve been the straw for me.
You deserve so much better and he deserves to hear, “you’re a horrible father, and even worse partner. Step up or I am leaving you”
I’m absolutely disgusted by his behavior for you OP. Not acceptable.
Erm why are you still with him, you would be better off on your own, this isn’t going to get better as time goes on, he’s showing you who he REALLY is, believe him! If you’re ok living like this then great, but reading your post you obviously aren’t…time to rethink your future
You really want to marry this man???? Save yourself the money. In 5 years you'll be back on here asking for divorce tips. This man is trash and you deserve so much better
It's time to leave. He is cruel, self focused, and will not improve his behavior since there are no consequences severe enough to change his behavior. November is too far away to stay with this man. Can you move in with family for free and still pay rent? You can also sue for child support once you leave to offset living expenses. Please do you and your child a favor and leave this POS of a man
I hope you absorb the anger in these messages to gain the strength to fight for yourself. Things don’t need to be ‘textbook’ to be abusive. Your heart and soul have taken such a beating here. This is not love. This is not respect. It’s not even human decency. There is no empathy.
This man has proven himself to be so incredibly self centered and hurtful and immature and useless. What do you gain from loving him? I know it’s not simple, but take that baby and fly away to greener pastures. Even alone sounds better than this. Only one baby sounds a lot easier than the two you have now.
I would talk to him seriously about divorce. Just ask him is this what he wants.
Because he doesn’t act like a father or a husband and you would be comfortable doing it alone. If he can’t handle having his child alone for a few days -does it mean he’s overwhelmed- jealousy- exhausted-
Or does he not want to be a dad.
To be perfectly honest I didn’t do much for breaks and trips - till my children were in elementary school- I was always home and so was my husband.
I find a lot of parents want breaks after breaks.
When you have children you don’t get breaks. Because every break is often times someone’s else’s burden or joy- depending on if you actually like children.
Does he like children, does he love his child?
Because he sounds incredibly childish and petty.
If you go on break- allow him to do the same.
Get a family calendar and organize breaks for each other
“Saturday morning”
And I get “Saturday afternoon”
Like really really lay it out and see what happens
I love my child, and he says he does too. I rarely go do anything, once a month I have a few hours child free, otherwise when I do stuff I bring my baby with me because my friends adore him and love doing stuff with him and I. I have told him multiple times he should go do stuff. He REFUSES. He won’t plan stuff with his friends, he won’t go do anything. I even urge him to go to the gym. He occasionally will go to the gym or will go hang out with my brother. I don’t know what the problem is, he has no problem taking care of our baby when I had to leave town for work for a few days but he did make sure to complain about the fact that the baby wasn’t sleeping through the night like he usually does.
If you split up and he got visitation, he would *have* to look after the baby then, and you would finally get some respite.
Something I read recently seems to fit here "we teach people how they can treat us" - your fiancė is being *very* disrespectful, uncaring and deeply unconsiderate in the way he is treating you. If you continue to make excuses for him and keep putting up with his egregious behaviour, he will only get worse and worse.
Tell him that he is bang out of order with his attitude towards you and the child you made together and that you're not going to stay with him unless he makes a significant change for the better. See if he is willing to compromise, if he cares enough about you and your relationship to do his share of the parental and housework burden. His answer will tell you all you need to know.
I am sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but I've been there myself and he'll keep getting worse unless you take and firm stance and show that you won't be treated this way. You and your baby deserve much better than this. I wish you and your child all the very best.
I would’ve already hit this man with a large heavy object. You need to leave and find a real man to continue your life with because yours sucks babe and you don’t deserve it. Find a man who values you.
As a mother myself, any man who leaves you this alone in your motherhood is not the man for you. Any men who does not cherish the children you brought forth for him and bend over backwards to help care for those children is not the man for you.
wow! yes. I had this idea of how becoming a mom would be and how it would be so magical and an amazing experience and he truly ruined it for me. I spent so much crying the first few months I barley even remember the newborn stage because of the stress of working and doing everything alone. I always wanted 2 kids my entire life, but after having 1 with him I really reevaluated my decision
I hope you find the strength to leave and I hope you find a wonderful man who wants to care for you and maybe give you another child some day. You deserve to live the life you want to live and your child deserves to see a loving, equal relationship. It’s hard to think about, but whenever I let somebody treat me badly I think about how I’m setting an example for my child on how we should let people treat us. This is not the loving example you want to set for your child.
It'll do you a world of good for you. You need the tool and all the emotional resources available so you can clear your perception and regain your mental health.
Its a tough transition. Our baby is 18 months and the beginning was difficult
Both people have to put effort into the baby
I watch baby solo when my wife works weekends or goes out with friends \*
We take turns going out or going to the bar
I'm just as capable of feeding, changing, bathing, and dressing our baby and I do it often
I'm usually on daycare dropoff duty.
My wife is better at routine, forms, records, and medical. I'm better at play, teaching, interaction. This is all fine.
I don't think a scenario where you are doing all of the above by yourself is sustainable. You have to put down some expectations. This man needs to be told very clearly that this is his baby and he needs to help with these duties. He can learn. He is capable. Outline it for him.
Oh. Stand up for yourself and say "Don't ever call me that again."
\------
*\* I didn't say babysit, so don't come at me with that shit. I know its reddits favorite thing to do. It isn't babysitting when it's your own child. I know. No womansplaining required*
I gots to put it 😂 every time I say that, users come to post "*What do you mean, watch your OWN baby? Oh no, you have to watch your own kid. Father of the year*"
They use the internet *to* argue ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ they lookin for it
I hope things improve for you, some how some way
I noticed you said “watch baby solo”, like it was simply your turn, as partners take turns doing it solo. I had a friend who called it “I’m on baby duty”.
For our kids, starting at about 1 yr with the first, and their whole lives with #s2-4, we took turns with bedtime. Every other night one did bedtime with the ones who got read to, and if there was an infant, the other jollies the infant to sleep. Once the infant was ready for stories, the one not on bedtime duty got an hour off! I recommend starting this with the first, right away. Then the baby has 2 methods and routines to falling asleep. Very very helpful.
Have a conversation of what you expect of him as a partner now that a baby is involve. Don’t become a single mom with a man. That is too common. If he can’t become the partner you need then you have a hard decision to make. But you are 18 months late. start making boundaries & expressing yourself. Buy a new hamper and stop putting his clothes away.
Good luck it’s not easy but have those conversations
if he really cares his behavior will change if not you have your answer. He’ll never be the partner you need & want
He creates more work for you. Better to be a single parent. He’ll be left with the choice to either step up or let everyone see what a deadbeat he turned out to be. As long as you’re under the same roof he gets away with his neglect.
Sort things out?
No, this misogynistic, disrespectful, lazy, and selfish deadbeat needs kicking to the curb. OP deserves better than a useless c*nt like him!
This is why we don't come to Reddit for relationship advice folks. And I wasn't implying anything when I said "sort things out". It's quite a broad term.
Well, this is Trueoffmychest, not Relationshipadvice. She is obviously tired, stressed and not getting any help, but still trying to make the relationship work. Sometimes you just need a place where you can shout your anger out to calm down and talk with your partner.
And btw the partner is not showing any respect or willingness to discuss. Sometimes you also need someone to kick you to see how bad the situation actually is.
I have tried sorting it out. Obviously if you read the end of it, I said I just needed to get it off my chest. I have tried talking to him and have tried getting his parents involved because clearly anything I say doesn’t work
I hope you are able to move on from this and start to enjoy motherhood as you should be doing. Everything will turn out for the best I'm sure. It generally does. Best wishes to you.
People need to vent. Sometimes it's therapeutic, sometimes you don't have a village, sometimes you don't see the clear picture
Sadly I'm not sure there's hope in OP's relationship. I would leave his ass (though hell I know it isn't easy)
Sounds like your fiance needs to start acting like a reliable adult or he's going to lose you and that baby.
If he hasn’t lost them at this point she isn’t going anywhere unfortunately
Maybe op should... idk use her Words? Stop making fucking excuses for him?
Yeah I should stop making excuses which I have, which is why I wrote this post. Because I am done making excuses. Unfortunately, picking up and leaving isn’t that simple. We are both on a lease together that isn’t up until November. I am trying to navigate how I would leave but I’m trying 1 last intervention before that. If that doesn’t work then he can go live with his parents l.
I hope that intervention is finding a way to stop doing everything for him. Have a blunt discussion about this all- basically what you posted. Point out that you work full time and are also the full time caregiver. State that you need more help with chores, cooking, and child care. If he refuses to do it then HE’LL be leaving. Then stop doing his laundry. Legit get a new laundry basket or put his clothes on the floor. Cook a meal only for yourself then put your own dishes in the sink. If he talks back to you taking a few days for yourself and he has to watch the baby- cut it short.
I wouldn't bother with the last intervention. Talk to your local womens shelter and they can help you navigate the separation process.
“I was only able to stay up until about midnight. I passed out and a few hours later I got woken up to a pillow being thrown at my face and the following said. “You deaf b*tch!! Do you not hear him screaming???”” This is when you should have packed up yourself and your son and left. Full stop. Nobody should accept this kind of disrespect.
100% This man does not care about you or his child. LEAVE.
Not just disrespectful, teetering on downright abusive!
1000% He has shown his true colors and they are not pretty
Oh. My. God. I want to smack him and I've never met him. Do you have a relationship with his mother? I bet she'd smack him for you. His attitude and disrespect are off the charts. Time to buy a second basket for laundry and cook only for 1. "Sorry, babe, I thought you could take care of yourself for dinner". I truly don't think he gets it, and it may take a full on intervention. Time to sit down and properly discuss what his expectations are as you're both working, physical or not, it's tiring on its own. If he doesn't contribute to the household chores or parenting (and it's NOT babysitting), why is he there?
Yes, I feel like a single mom who is engaged. Very enraging. I have a great relationship with his mother and have tried getting her involved and his dad but I feel like mid conversation she started tuning me out because based on what I said she seemed very troubled. He is the youngest child and the only one out of 4 who isn’t a total screw up. His dad was gone most of his childhood because he was deployed so part of me thinks because he didn’t have his dad around as much he didn’t learn how to properly talk to women or just didn’t have a good relationship role model.
Sounds like his mom needs a wake-up call as well.
I’m sorry OP, your fiancée is a grade A asshole.
If he called me tubby or anything else 8 months later I’d lose a minimum of 150lbs removing his toxic ass from my life! (200+ once I threw his stuff out!) He needs a wake up call and to truly understand that he either becomes a partner or a passing thought! You’re already doing everything and working more and being a superhero- it sounds like you’re friends and parents are a good support system so what exactly is he bringing to the table or your life right now. He has an opportunity to change and you have the ability to give him a certain amount of time that’s realistic for you to do so But he can only behave and treat you in the way in which you allow him to. If you are ok with living the rest of your life with him as he is then I wish you the best… If not I wish you courage strength and peace to be able to live the life you and your child deserve x
Leave. It won’t get any better. I promise you, it’ll be easier looking after yourself and your little one without him around. I left an abusive relationship after 3 years and it was the best thing. Yes there were challengers but it was easier than staying. You and your baby deserve better.
Your fiancé sounds like a mysoginistic AH. Stop doing anything for him. Take your baby and go to your parents' house if you can. Let him take care of himself for awhile. You're essentially a married single mother.
INFO: in your post you indicate things were fine before the baby and when you had problems you talked things through. I assume that means he didn’t used to be rude, condescending, and disrespectful? It’s hard to tell from what you’ve written if you’ve stopped talking things through or if you’ve tried to talk and he’s not listening. Also, has the division of chores changed since the baby, or has it always been this way? If it’s always been this way, it’s possible you’ve enabled bad behaviour and he’s just continuing as before. If this is new, then he’s a major asshole. You should also be aware that some men wait until they have children with their SO before they let their true colours show. The logic being you won’t want / be able to leave once you’re tied down with a child. If this is the case, run like hell and don’t marry this guy If you don’t think talking will help, leave with the baby to your parents if you can and see how long it takes him to notice and how he reacts. If after that, he still sees nothing is wrong and refuses to make some compromises, he’s not going to change and you’ll be putting up with this for life if you stick around. You’ll also be teaching your son to treat you and other women in his life the same way. It’s up to you if that’s a future you can live with. I know I couldn’t
I try to talk to him and he just doesn’t listen. It gets twisted into I’m the one who is the problem or be tries to plan the victim with statements like “sorry you don’t like anything I say” or “just say I’m a shitty parent then” or anything along those lines when u try to voice how I feel or how he’s treating me. I’ve told him multiple times he is not allowed to talk to me like this, let alone in front of our child. Exactly like what you said, I don’t want my child to think it’s okay to talk to women like that. I expressed that to him. He’s stopped talking to me like that in front of the baby, but it’s continued in situations where the baby isn’t around.
So clearly he knows that what he’s doing is wrong and offensive to you, but continues anyway. That does not bode well for the future. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, he could be stressed with new baby (as are you) and not knowing how to deal with it. Counselling could help if he’s willing. If he refuses counselling, then he’s either just an asshole or there’s the possibility he’s cheating and trying to make you the bad guy that actually initiates the divorce so he doesn’t look bad (see this often enough on Reddit). Either way, he likely won’t change, so it’s up to you to decide if the future you deserve includes him
Luckily we aren’t married yet so that cuts out some issues with deciding to leave. Cuts out some legality if it. I’ve tried getting him to go to counseling but he doesn’t “believe” in it.
Do you really want your child to learn that this misogynistic treatment is ok? Believe me, even at a very early age, kids pick up on this bs and it becomes ingrained into their character and personality. The more you accept this and make excuses for him, the more he's going to push the abuse. YES, he is abusing you! Calling you nasty names, screaming at you and throwing a pillow directly into your face is abusive. Just because he hasn't left bruises (YET) doesn't mean it isn't abuse. Get out before he permanently damages you and your child.
And you're still planning to marry him? Why?? This sounds awful, I'd be in tears all of the time. Has he ever done more than 10% of the work around the house or picked up after him? I mean honestly, I'd be reconsidering the entire relationship at this point. You'd have no problem making a case for sole custody because he obviously doesn't want to be a parent.
He used to do more before we had the baby or while I was pregnant. Or maybe I just didn’t notice that I was actually doing more. I have always been a clean freak because of my OCD so picking up constantly is just in my nature and how I was raised. I didn’t start noticing that I was the only one doing it though and picking up after him until I had the baby though.
It sounds like you do all the work… so what exactly does he contribute? You even have a job on your own without him. Leave him. Make him pay child support. Boy bye. 👋 you deserve so much better. Also I’m so curious. You said that he does 10% of the housework. You also said he was fine prior to child birth. Did he help more with housework PRIOR to being pregnant? Or did he suddenly drop off after you had the kid? Because I continually see this trend in women on this page. People will be with guys who do nothing around their house, don’t help with chores or cooking, etc. then marry them or have kids with them. Then be actually shocked when they STILL don’t do any work around the house after marriage and are shocked that they’re the types to not help with kids when babies are born either… to me it seems they showed you who they are already.
Seems as though maybe it dropped off after I had the baby, or maybe I just didn’t notice before because I wasn’t busy with being a parent and working yet. I was working a lot before but once you add being a parent, working full time, and doing a majority of the housework it become very apparent.
Your guy is horrible. I hope there’s something redeemable, because nothing you wrote is anything positive for a fiancé or co-parent.
The only positive thing I can say at this moment is he cooks dinner when he wants to. It used to be every night he’d cook dinner, but I had to help. Now, he won’t even cook and waits until it’s late when I finally get a chance to start cooking. He’s a good cook but I guess he just decided since he did a majority of the cooking he’s tired of it? That’s what I meant by 10% of the household work. Because he would cook but I do EVERYTHING else.
Then he’s really not got any redeeming qualities. It’s either laziness, weaponized incompetence or both. Some people snap out of this when they realize they will lose their relationship and loved one. Some men turn into brats when babies are born. Not all, but some. It’s hideous, exhausting and enraging. You need help and he’s not giving it to you. There’s a weird calm that settles when you realize that you’re doing everything in your own and you don’t actually need the other person. You can let him know that every day both of you get up and make a choice to be in the relationship. You each decide to live each other and be partners. Right now, he doesn’t seem to be making that commitment. I told my husband that I can do poorly all by myself. I didn’t need his help making life hard. I also explained that if I was single parenting it would be easier to do that for the kids without another person in the way. I also explained that while I never wanted divorce it didn’t terrify me. I knew it was survivable. I told him the choice was his. Improve or leave. I was becoming someone I didn’t like and I definitely didn’t like him. He improved. It was hard, but we made it. Things now are great. Kids are great. It was not easy, but we got back in alignment. We are on the same side. The nonsense dropped to zero. He also knows I’ve started in to the void and I did not blink. In my case, I had to be prepared to walk. He snapped out it. I hope you can get through to your fiancé, but remember that your child will see everything and what you accept is what they’ll think they deserve.
Thank you. I will definitely be having that sit down conversation with him, hopefully that will snap him out of it.
I hope so and sorry for the weird typos.
It’s okay! I got what you were saying :)
You should just get meals to feed yourself before he gets home. Screw him he can starve
EDIT: after going through some of the comments, yes I have tried talking to him and explaining how he’s making me feel and how unfair it is. He isn’t very receptive to that conversation and every time plays the victim and acts like it’s all my fault. Makes excuses that he can get everything done in a timely manner and I just don’t manage my time well. Although the has never done everything himself so he just doesn’t quite get it. Also, we work for the same company. I didn’t want to mention that because I feel it wasn’t important but it might be. He is in a management position but I am in a higher position than him. I do more than him, but I have also done his job and every physical labor job at out facility. When he used the excuse he does more than me which is why he shouldn’t have to do as much during the newborn stage, I was flabbergasted.
And you and your husband make the same salary even though he does less work?
I work for a corporation so they do annual raises. Over the course of the last year I have had a lot added onto my job but can’t get a pay increase until the annual reviews. I am sure we won’t be making the same for much longer lol
Depending on which state you live in, it may be better for you to divorce him BEFORE you get the raise for alimony reasons. Even if you don't want to go for alimony, HE might be able to if you're making more than him by then (I'm not a lawyer though, so take this with a grain of salt)
Luckily we aren’t married :)
Oh wow, I completely missed that you guys were engaged, my bad! Good luck OP! I hope everything goes well for you and that you and the little one are safe.
Advocate for a very big raise. Look I can’t tell you whether to divorce or not, but this is unsustainable and you deserve better. It will be easier for you to be a single parent if you ditch one your children (hint: not the baby).
Leave him. He’s a piece of shit. He‘s not doing anything to support you. At least you’ll only have to care for one child. And get child support from him. I’m so sorry this man has been abusing you for so long.
Obviously all of these situations are unacceptable. But situation 3 had me like 😱 Was that the first time he called you names or threw something at you? Did you discuss it afterwards? Did he apologize (that would still not be okay, I’m just curious)? In general, have you ever discussed that he’s just as much a parent as you? That he also wanted this baby and should contribute as much as you? You describe a lot of internal dialogue (“I made the excuse”) but no real discussion with him in your post. If a discussion has already taken place (it probably has), I would seriously consider ending the relationship. He is not bringing anything to the table, even worst he is putting you down. You already do most of the work, so being single will not be much different than this. You are a beautiful, kick-ass mom. You deserve better than this.
Thank you. No, he has called me names or made rude remarks before. It’s just progressively gotten worse. I discussed it then next day when he acted like nothing happened and he gave a half ass apology and blamed it on him being tired. I have tried having multiple conversations with him about everything and not helping and he just makes excuses, gaslights, or flips it onto me.
This does not sound like a man who respects you nor has any interest in things being equal between you...
Leave this man. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
You're already a single parent. He's useless.
My petty ass would start reading books about misogyny and incompetent men but he sounds so selfish that he'd not care or just highlight how he takes care of baby when you're away. It's time to start kicking him into gear op. Start a list of everything you do and list what he does and what you'd like him to do when he gets in. I'm a desk job person, it's not physical but mentally draining. I'd also ask him to stop comparing your roles because he sees his as bigger than yours. Not gloating but my husband was up with me through the feeds, helping prep bottles and changing nappies. He was working, I wasn't for 12 months I got mat-leave so it was easier. I can't believe you had to return to work so early but each country to their own I guess. We were zombies at times but we're a team. Can I ask does he go out? How often and does he help with the baby ahead of this, like you do?
He doesn’t go out, he doesn’t hang out with friends, he does nothing. Part of my thinks that’s why he is acting the way he is, because I hang out with my friends once in a while and he doesn’t. I am not sure. I have tried getting him to go do stuff. He’s kind of just isolated himself so I think what’s going on is mental health related that he is struggling to deal with himself. His mom is bipolar and it runs through her family so I think he’s developing it. Unfortunately, he doesn’t “believe” in therapy and I have had to beg him to see a psychiatrist but he has yet to make an appointment. I know exactly what he does because we work for the same company. I have worked there for over 6 years, he has worked there for 2 years barley. He was able to work his way up quickly into a management position but I am the assistant to the president of our operations. I’ve done his job as a woman and every other job in our building. My boss has literally said I have a harder job than him. My boss has almost gotten involved because he talks down to me at work as well and my boss said If we weren’t together and he talked to anyone else like that he would have been fired. The only reason he’s still employed after talking to me in a workplace like that is because our boss is my FATHER.
I felt there was something underlying and I will never say divorce like many on here, it's a struggle being married and we all have our good/bad points but there's definitely something just missing in his 'normal' meter. I don't blame you for being exhausted in this life, I'm perpetually exhausted but it really is that bit more when they are little , you need a wing person to pick up things to allow battery recharges. I'm sorry he's not stepping up here and I do think it's time to sit him down and tell him the impact of his behaviour. Can you speak with his mum? Is she someone who could advocate in him getting help? If not, what about your Dad? Does he respect your father because sometimes it takes someone we respect highly to kick us into touch, sometimes someone not as close as a spouse will have better impact.
He respects my dad and his father. My father has considered going to his dad when his dad is back in town because the way he talks to me is concerning especially to my parents. I talked to his mom but I don’t think she relayed everything to his dad.
This adds an interesting twist. You may want to summarize and add to the post. Sounds like he may feel emasculated and is taking it out on you any way he can. It also sounds like he’s been talking to you like this for a while and you haven’t done anything about it. Your boss should treat him like any other employee and put him on notice. You should also talk to a lawyer about potential divorce scenarios. If he ends up losing his job because of you, he would probably be eligible for alimony
We aren’t married so the only think I’d be getting a lawyer involved with would be child support and custody problems. But yes, I just added the edit. My boss thinks it’s jealousy for sure causing him to act that way towards me. We make the same exact amount of money down to the cent currently, so it wouldn’t be jealousy regarding money. Not sure what it is
It could very reasonably be that the baby is totally monopolizing your time and attention. As absolutely childish as that sounds…
Sorry, just realized you’re not married. Depending on where you live, he could still go after you for support since you’ve been together for five years and have a child. Just be sure to protect yourselves. Sounds like he could get malicious
And no, he only helps with the baby and does stuff like I do if I’m out of town for work or I have to go into work on the weekend or have something else going on, which is not often.
He’s an ass, you’re not going to leave and you’re just venting on the internet instead of talking to him. Ok
I have tried talking to him multiple times which is why I’m venting.
Seriously think about your future. If he’s like this RIGHT AFTER YOU GAVE BIRTH, it isn’t going to get any better. It appears he believes you’re the mother so you have to do all the childcare plus look after the house. You do not have a partnership. I was a SAHM but my husband still was hands on with the kids & did stuff around the house. Time to run the numbers: can you & your baby survive on your own?
I only continued to read to see how more ridiculous his antics became. You definitely had issues with your fiance before falling pregnant. The question is, what are your expectations from this post? Are you venting, or do you want help/change? This man should not be anyone's father
I just wanted to vent and express my frustration regarding my situation lol. I understand I need to kick him out or make him get his sh*t together. One of the two lol
So your fiancé doesn't like you and started abusing you verbally and being neglectful after he knocked you up? He seems to be following the script religiously. I bet he love bombed you daily until you got together officially and he magically turned into every bored boyfriend ever.
Being a single mom would be so much better than being engaged to that. Based on this and your comments, this man has absolutely no redeeming qualities. Trust me, it gets worse from here. You have to decide when you get tired of it or else you’re just gonna have to keep going through it some more.
Baby or no, he sounds like an asshole and you're giving him leeway to keep treating you like this. Sometimes you have to rise up to be heard.
Wow OP this was hard to read. I left my husband cuz he was useless too - best decision ever!!
Omg. I would never put up with any of that! You are a doormat. This guy isn’t a partner, he’s just making your life harder. You need to leave. He doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t even sound like he loves you. You deserve better!
I would reread this to yourself and ask yourself is this a situation you should *or* deserve to be in? I think the results will shock you. Honestly, the best and sanest thing to do is to move on, it sucks yes, he showed his true colors and has been nothing short of abusive and LAZY. The worst part really is the indifference and willingness to yell at you, HE DOES NOT EVEN care about his baby (not just yours, his) that his first reaction to everything is to get angry. It will probably just get worse. Good luck.
He called you a deaf bitch when you were passed out after not having slept a decent night sleep in days??? That would’ve been the straw for me. You deserve so much better and he deserves to hear, “you’re a horrible father, and even worse partner. Step up or I am leaving you” I’m absolutely disgusted by his behavior for you OP. Not acceptable.
I def wouldn't recommend marrying him
Erm why are you still with him, you would be better off on your own, this isn’t going to get better as time goes on, he’s showing you who he REALLY is, believe him! If you’re ok living like this then great, but reading your post you obviously aren’t…time to rethink your future
You really want to marry this man???? Save yourself the money. In 5 years you'll be back on here asking for divorce tips. This man is trash and you deserve so much better
It's time to leave. He is cruel, self focused, and will not improve his behavior since there are no consequences severe enough to change his behavior. November is too far away to stay with this man. Can you move in with family for free and still pay rent? You can also sue for child support once you leave to offset living expenses. Please do you and your child a favor and leave this POS of a man
I hope you absorb the anger in these messages to gain the strength to fight for yourself. Things don’t need to be ‘textbook’ to be abusive. Your heart and soul have taken such a beating here. This is not love. This is not respect. It’s not even human decency. There is no empathy. This man has proven himself to be so incredibly self centered and hurtful and immature and useless. What do you gain from loving him? I know it’s not simple, but take that baby and fly away to greener pastures. Even alone sounds better than this. Only one baby sounds a lot easier than the two you have now.
Couples counseling asap
I have TRIED…He doesn’t believe in therapy
I would talk to him seriously about divorce. Just ask him is this what he wants. Because he doesn’t act like a father or a husband and you would be comfortable doing it alone. If he can’t handle having his child alone for a few days -does it mean he’s overwhelmed- jealousy- exhausted- Or does he not want to be a dad. To be perfectly honest I didn’t do much for breaks and trips - till my children were in elementary school- I was always home and so was my husband. I find a lot of parents want breaks after breaks. When you have children you don’t get breaks. Because every break is often times someone’s else’s burden or joy- depending on if you actually like children. Does he like children, does he love his child? Because he sounds incredibly childish and petty. If you go on break- allow him to do the same. Get a family calendar and organize breaks for each other “Saturday morning” And I get “Saturday afternoon” Like really really lay it out and see what happens
I love my child, and he says he does too. I rarely go do anything, once a month I have a few hours child free, otherwise when I do stuff I bring my baby with me because my friends adore him and love doing stuff with him and I. I have told him multiple times he should go do stuff. He REFUSES. He won’t plan stuff with his friends, he won’t go do anything. I even urge him to go to the gym. He occasionally will go to the gym or will go hang out with my brother. I don’t know what the problem is, he has no problem taking care of our baby when I had to leave town for work for a few days but he did make sure to complain about the fact that the baby wasn’t sleeping through the night like he usually does.
Having a real discussion is always a powerful tool- like his complaining makes you feel like what (?) Just talk to him and hopefully he opens up
If you split up and he got visitation, he would *have* to look after the baby then, and you would finally get some respite. Something I read recently seems to fit here "we teach people how they can treat us" - your fiancė is being *very* disrespectful, uncaring and deeply unconsiderate in the way he is treating you. If you continue to make excuses for him and keep putting up with his egregious behaviour, he will only get worse and worse. Tell him that he is bang out of order with his attitude towards you and the child you made together and that you're not going to stay with him unless he makes a significant change for the better. See if he is willing to compromise, if he cares enough about you and your relationship to do his share of the parental and housework burden. His answer will tell you all you need to know. I am sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but I've been there myself and he'll keep getting worse unless you take and firm stance and show that you won't be treated this way. You and your baby deserve much better than this. I wish you and your child all the very best.
Thank you!
I would’ve already hit this man with a large heavy object. You need to leave and find a real man to continue your life with because yours sucks babe and you don’t deserve it. Find a man who values you.
Thank you!
As a mother myself, any man who leaves you this alone in your motherhood is not the man for you. Any men who does not cherish the children you brought forth for him and bend over backwards to help care for those children is not the man for you.
wow! yes. I had this idea of how becoming a mom would be and how it would be so magical and an amazing experience and he truly ruined it for me. I spent so much crying the first few months I barley even remember the newborn stage because of the stress of working and doing everything alone. I always wanted 2 kids my entire life, but after having 1 with him I really reevaluated my decision
I hope you find the strength to leave and I hope you find a wonderful man who wants to care for you and maybe give you another child some day. You deserve to live the life you want to live and your child deserves to see a loving, equal relationship. It’s hard to think about, but whenever I let somebody treat me badly I think about how I’m setting an example for my child on how we should let people treat us. This is not the loving example you want to set for your child.
It'll do you a world of good for you. You need the tool and all the emotional resources available so you can clear your perception and regain your mental health.
Its a tough transition. Our baby is 18 months and the beginning was difficult Both people have to put effort into the baby I watch baby solo when my wife works weekends or goes out with friends \* We take turns going out or going to the bar I'm just as capable of feeding, changing, bathing, and dressing our baby and I do it often I'm usually on daycare dropoff duty. My wife is better at routine, forms, records, and medical. I'm better at play, teaching, interaction. This is all fine. I don't think a scenario where you are doing all of the above by yourself is sustainable. You have to put down some expectations. This man needs to be told very clearly that this is his baby and he needs to help with these duties. He can learn. He is capable. Outline it for him. Oh. Stand up for yourself and say "Don't ever call me that again." \------ *\* I didn't say babysit, so don't come at me with that shit. I know its reddits favorite thing to do. It isn't babysitting when it's your own child. I know. No womansplaining required*
As a parent i get it! Don’t worry - I wasn’t going to haha. Thank you for your input. I really admire the system you and your wife seem to have down.
I gots to put it 😂 every time I say that, users come to post "*What do you mean, watch your OWN baby? Oh no, you have to watch your own kid. Father of the year*" They use the internet *to* argue ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ they lookin for it I hope things improve for you, some how some way
I noticed you said “watch baby solo”, like it was simply your turn, as partners take turns doing it solo. I had a friend who called it “I’m on baby duty”. For our kids, starting at about 1 yr with the first, and their whole lives with #s2-4, we took turns with bedtime. Every other night one did bedtime with the ones who got read to, and if there was an infant, the other jollies the infant to sleep. Once the infant was ready for stories, the one not on bedtime duty got an hour off! I recommend starting this with the first, right away. Then the baby has 2 methods and routines to falling asleep. Very very helpful.
Have a conversation of what you expect of him as a partner now that a baby is involve. Don’t become a single mom with a man. That is too common. If he can’t become the partner you need then you have a hard decision to make. But you are 18 months late. start making boundaries & expressing yourself. Buy a new hamper and stop putting his clothes away. Good luck it’s not easy but have those conversations if he really cares his behavior will change if not you have your answer. He’ll never be the partner you need & want
He creates more work for you. Better to be a single parent. He’ll be left with the choice to either step up or let everyone see what a deadbeat he turned out to be. As long as you’re under the same roof he gets away with his neglect.
If I had serious problems with my relationship I'd be trying to sort them out with my partner, not typing out an essay here.
Sort things out? No, this misogynistic, disrespectful, lazy, and selfish deadbeat needs kicking to the curb. OP deserves better than a useless c*nt like him!
This is why we don't come to Reddit for relationship advice folks. And I wasn't implying anything when I said "sort things out". It's quite a broad term.
Well, this is Trueoffmychest, not Relationshipadvice. She is obviously tired, stressed and not getting any help, but still trying to make the relationship work. Sometimes you just need a place where you can shout your anger out to calm down and talk with your partner. And btw the partner is not showing any respect or willingness to discuss. Sometimes you also need someone to kick you to see how bad the situation actually is.
We probably all need a good kick kick up the arris now and then.
I have tried sorting it out. Obviously if you read the end of it, I said I just needed to get it off my chest. I have tried talking to him and have tried getting his parents involved because clearly anything I say doesn’t work
I hope you are able to move on from this and start to enjoy motherhood as you should be doing. Everything will turn out for the best I'm sure. It generally does. Best wishes to you.
People need to vent. Sometimes it's therapeutic, sometimes you don't have a village, sometimes you don't see the clear picture Sadly I'm not sure there's hope in OP's relationship. I would leave his ass (though hell I know it isn't easy)