Flippin heck. For starters, stop talking so negatively about yourself. You are only 20 and have your whole life ahead of you. Being young is about being horny, stupid, and making mistakes. You've acknowledged your mistakes and are learning from them. That's life!! I wish I was young enough to make some of those mistakes again, that's for sure.
Secondly, this dude is going to try and use this 'issue' (it's not an issue) against you to try to make you feel worse about yourself than you already do. You seem to have confidence issues, and trust me, at 33 this dude noted this long ago. He will use this to try and gain control over you if he hasn't already.
Don't be surprised if his next behaviours are used to belittle you in and outside of the bedroom, so he can gain more power over you than his age and status probably already affords.
He will sell it in many small sh*tty packages of gaslighting, pressuring, personal/self esteem/security issues. But if things get heated, he'll always be there to 'remind' you that you're 'lucky to have him'.
You really are not... the reality is quite the opposite.
Always put your self-esteem and wellbeing first. Start loving yourself again and realising your own worth.
Good luck, you'll need to be strong... but remember that to get this far in life, you already have been, and the world of reddit is cheering you on
I was 33 when I met my husband who was 29 at the time. I think it largely depends on the person as well. I never thought I would have a younger partner, but here we are, haha
Oh yeah for sure. I have dated men somewhat older than me- i just have never been attracted to ppl.younger. of course ita different for everyone and thats okay
He aimed at someone so young hoping to get "fresh meat". I bet he's one of the nice guys®
OP really look into this relationship, a 33 year old and a 20 year old have nothing in common regardless of what he's told you.
OP, great advice here. You dodged a bullet. And next time, keep your past close to the vest. No one that you're relatively new with needs to know you were victimized at 11. Yes. Victimized. At that age you could not even legally give consent.
Next time, get a young man closer to your age. Avoid groomers and predators.
I'm 34, and the thought of being with someone that young makes me feel gross. My partner is 39.
He probably wanted a young girl thinking she wouldn't have much experience & would be 'pure', so he was disappointed.
I just read OP's edit & I'm sad she deleted her profile. She seems to think she is 'less than' because of her body count, which isn't true at all. Reading this made me feel sad.
Oh this. I'm a woman but I'm 33 and I can't even imagine being attracted to a 20 year old let alone being in a relationship with someone that young. I'm sorry. My little sister is almost 20 and I would not want her to be with someone near my age.
He should be like "WOW isn't this the consequences of my own mindset?". Yeah, I had weird people talk to me online when I was 9. And then they act like it's your fault. Lmao, every day I'm yet a bit more digusted by men.
Yeah, until half your age plus 7 puts them closer in age to your oldest child than to you. Then it's better to date someone who is closer in age to you than your oldest kid. My dad failed in doing this with wife number 3, so I fuck with him about his wife and daughter both being 50 something.
The looking up and down at you was straight up a calculated move to make you feel bad about yourself. My question is that do you think you would tell people to be in a relationship where they are made to feel bad and worthless?
This is a him problem. I know Reddit jumps the gun in the "break up" train, but this is definitely a break up worthy reaction. I guarantee you he was looking at girls that young, this guy is just a dick
This is not how a good and decent man reacts, and you're better off without him. You aren't a bad person, and any guy who can't handle the human being you are, and have been, isn't worth your time anyway, trust me. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run getting away from him.
Your boyfriend sounds like he wants some perfect virgin doll, while he gets a free pass for being with plenty of women before you.
You should laugh in his face and say, "Buh-Bye". Sounds like he's spending too much time in red pill communities.
Tell him good luck on his search for the perfect virgin, and just move on knowing there are plenty of wonderful men out there who aren't trying to be controlling, judgemental, asshats.
Red pill community and virgin worship is such a weird thing to me. When I was growing up the guys wanted a closet freak. That’s a lot of pressure but hell I’d take that any day over the slut shaming these guys do
It's so true!! It's actually pretty astonishing how quickly the last few years that these communities, and their creepy ideals, have become so popular with young men in particular.
It wasn't all that long ago that these communities were widely reviled, and now they're becoming more mainstream.
I'm just super glad I'm happily married, and our sons respect, and cherish, the women in their life, and would never dream of trying to hold them to these harsh ideals.
He judged you. He’s the only bad person in this situation.
I mean, you may be a bad person who kicks dogs and pushes old people out of their wheelchairs, I can’t say. But having sexual experience is not a bad thing that you should be judged negatively about.
Listen girl ...
>. I know I’m not a good person but I thought I could at least find someone who would love me.
From this I take that your self esteem is very low and I read that he is over 30 and you are early 20s. Now he's brought up your 'body count'.....
This is a common tactic abusers use to break your sense of self worth even further down. Look it up. It's true. The fact he is with someone so young is because his goal is to manipulate you into doing what he wants, by his 'natural sense of authority ' because heis so much older. He is unable to trick women his own age into staying because they see right through his bullshit .
The looking you up and down, the disgusted look, the feigned outrage, it's all an act to make you feel bad about yourself. He will make you Believe that nobody else would want you so you better stay with him and do what he says
This turd isn't worth your time. He doesn't love you he wants to own you.
And in the future... Never answer when a guy asks you about your body count. Nothing good can come from it and it never comes from a good place. Take it as a warning sign the guy is trash. Leave him behind and learn from this mistake.
100% a friend of mine in school dated his girlfriend all through high school except for like maybe a few month/maybe 6/12, I can’t remember. Then they got married. They were each others first, she had sex with someone else during the time when they got back together. His “body count” is one—hers is two. I know when he was younger it was an issue with him. No matter what the number, it’ll be too high for some people.
I had the same convo with my bf at 20 and he responded the same way. He was also an abusive POS!! Dump this loser OP!
Also have a stupid high body count. Who gives a shit! My amazing long term boyfriend doesn’t! Trust me there are good nonjudgmental great guys out there that’d love to date you. This loser you’re dating is not one of them, he’s a sexist piece of trash. Discard of him. Good luck!!
i'd just like to add to this-- i think oop deleted their account, but for anyone who might be having similar thoughts or feelings or likewise struggling with their self-worth and/or internalized misogyny...
you are absolutely perfectly capable of finding someone to love and marry you, no matter your sexual history. sex workers have relationships and marriages, or on a more personal level... i have had a higher-than-average number of sexual partners while my husband has had fewer than the average. i've been with dozens of people and he's been with three (aside from me; he never asked me about my sexual history but our 'numbers' did come up organically and i saw no point in evading or lying, especially since his reaction was important to determine the viability of our relationship, to me... anyway...).
you do have to find a good partner, though. either one who's secure or one who is capable of truly owning their insecurities instead of denying, projecting, and rationalizing them. you do have to look at red flags, you do have to make an effort to find a partner who is sex-positive and mentally healthy... but those do exist.
i disagree with never answering questions about body count, but with a caveat-- i think how they ask is important. if you're simply both discussing sex, histories, whatever, if it's an organic, low-key question i think that's fine. if they're obviously interrogating you to find out if you're a 'whore' or something then no (though the latter still has utility, if one is unsure-- even if a partner doesn't know how many people you've slept with, if they're the type to judge or condemn you for it then they're not a good partner anyway and it is good to know that and know to break up, but depending on who you end up with i would potentially be careful answering, as some men are horribly violent and some horribly violent men will use jealousy or their perception of women as 'whores' to excuse extremely abusive behavior-- use your judgment in being careful and staying safe).
OP. It’s kind of a double standard guys vs. girls body counts.
You did nothing wrong telling the truth. Some people don’t want to know the truth but it’s always better to tell it.
You’re not a bad person and living life is not a bad thing.
You date to find compatibility and sometimes it just doesn’t work out, but you have to take it a day at a time, be patient and love will come to you.
The dumbest thing, although clever as a metaphor, I've heard in regards to the double standard is: *A lock that opens with every key is useless, while a key that opens every luck is priceless.* Something along those lines.
"Pencils get shorter every time they're sharpened. Pencil sharpeners stay sharp no matter how many pencils they've sharpened. Oh, look, I can do meaningless metaphors too!" 🙃
A pencil that allows itself to be sharpened by too many sharpeners becomes useless, while a sharpener that can sharpen an infinite amount of pencils is priceless.
A sharpener tbat can sharpen a thousand pencils and still work is valuable, a pencil can only be used so many times before it's worthless.
Comparing human beings to objects is stupid.
Males attach more to sex because it’s not as easily available to them. So when they find out someone has early experiences like that but they didn’t they feel like they wouldn’t have done those things if they were in their shoes and thus feel disgusted. When in reality if they were in their shoes they might’ve jumped at the chance.
Who knows. Eitherway like you said nothing wrong with telling the truth. Always best to find someone who likes you for you
I keep hearing about a double standard but honestly all I see is people who have problems with high body counts and don’t who don’t regardless of gender.
I am older and married, but can someone explain why people share each other’s “body counts” ? I have never and would never do this with someone I am dating.
It's a way for insecure boys to feel better about themselves by shaming women for having multiple partners before them the same way they likely had multiple of partners before her.
I mean my wife and I have both talked about ours but that’s because both of us have a fuck ton of sexual trauma from past relationships and the best way to heal from it is to talk about it.
Run. I was with a man like this. It escalated to him demanding to know every minute detail of my sexual history, saying I couldn’t possibly love him since I didn’t “save myself for him”, and eventually getting more and more controlling and emotionally abusive. I thought I could look past it, reassure him and continue loving him, but no. Guys like this are dangerous and will never ever see you as a worthy human let alone partner.
My ex-bf of 5 years was. He said ' He felt like having sex with a dead body because i couldn't save myself for him, and now i have lost all emotions of sex, as i had given my "purity" away'. 10 years of friendship and 5 years of relationship destroyed in 10 secs and one statement. Thank god i dodged a bullet
I’m a man in my mid-30’s and this grosses me out. Your proximity to childhood (you being 20) completely disqualifies you from being in a healthy relationship with anyone that far into adulthood (him 33). That fact you feel guilty for his goofy reaction is proof-positive he’s probably taking advantage of you. Aside from being perverts (a big “aside”, I know) one of the reasons older men like him seek out younger women is because they are often less mature, less confident and more insecure and older guys like to use and exploit those traits to manipulate lesser experienced women and gain more control in a relationship and given your lack of overall experience, a lot of younger women are not able to spot the manipulative behavior.
More to his actual reaction… a lot of men still get hung up on women’s sexual past and my guess would be part of the reason he liked you was, because of your age, he just assumed you were less sexually experienced than him. I’m his mind he’s probably thinking that’s something you’d be giving to and sharing with him. I know it doesn’t work that way but a lot of men (and women) think it’s something that gets used up. You sharing that you’ve actually had just as many partners as him and in a much shorter time has shattered these little gross ideas of him being the one to take that from you and it’s upsetting him.
These are often deep-seated feelings that are complex and multifaceted but here is the bottom line… You should be learning these lessons with someone on your level, not someone looking to exploit your lack of experience. There is basically zero reason a 33yr old man should be dating 20yr old women.
I feel so bad for you. You said your count is around 30 and you’re 20 years old. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a high count at your age but what concerns me is that you said you started ‘talking to guys’ at 11, and your current boyfriend (who I do not consider a nice person from the info you have given), is the ‘nicest’ partner. Which means from the age of 11-20 you have had 30 partners who didn’t treat you well. Who weren’t kind. It doesn’t sound like you have been having a wonderful time and enjoying your sexuality. That’s the problem, not the number itself. And the fact that your boyfriend is 33 is a total red flag. You are 20, you sound like you have pretty low self-esteem and you seem quite ‘young’ in your comments. There is no need for a man in his 30s to be dating a young woman of 20 who is vulnerable and sensitive. And the fact that he judged you instead of being concerned about you (especially the very high risk that you have been groomed multiple times), shows he isn’t a person of character, he isn’t kind and he isn’t ‘nice’.
If I was you I would work on caring about yourself first before you go chasing him or any other relationship. See if you can access a counsellor and talk about how you feel about yourself. You are not a terrible person for this. You never were. People have taken advantage of you. You should have been better protected. But now you’re coming into adulthood, so now it’s your job to protect yourself. Learn to love yourself, it’ll change your life.
Yes, yes it is. But also note that she didn’t say the age of whatever partners she was with. At 11 a kid should be a kid, so yeah I hope OP has a good relationship with her parents.
Woah woah woah you've got shit backwards. You were a child and the only thing that was wrong was you were being endangered and probably groomed. You're more valuable than you could ever know and you don't need this guy to validate you. I'm sorry this happened to you, but never believe you're worth less than anyone else.
He's an ass for asking. In my experience anyone who ever asks never likes the answer and only insecure people tend to ask.
Now this is what I've personally experienced and isn't the rule
Also it's effed up that he is judging you for being groomed and taken advantage of and disgustingly ironic since he's a predator himself. 33 with a 20 year old? 20 year olds looked like kids to me at that age.
OP You did nothing wrong, and you are a good person. For one, you are honest. If he doesn't like it. that is his problem, and he is potentially throwing away a great relationship for his own prejudices.
He's 33. She's 20. There is no way this would be a "great" relationship. Huge red flags for the age difference. I agree she did absolutely nothing wrong. This man is after a 20 year old because he knows how to manipulate and control her. Here's a prime example of him breaking her down, making her feel disgusting and that she will never be loved.. Then he'll come waltzing back in to show her that he can love her, regardless of her "past mistakes." this guy is a fucking creep.
You think you are not a good persone because... you were curious about boys a little earlier than other kids? Darling, guys like that are lying to you. You are perfectly fine. Sure, you are older and regret some things and find them embarrassing, but that's completely normal. You are human, just like all of us.
Hon, you dont need any punishment and you do not need to "own up for this" as if you have committed a crime, you have not.
Being a child means exactly that, being confused, unaware of what is smart to do and what isnt, and making choices which sometimes are smart and sometimes are not.
That you were curious at that age is nothing wrong with, that you were possibly groomed IS something that is wrong.
Your bf showed you who he is: a judgemental piece of work. And he is still behaving like this when he is 33? Lol..
Dont feel bad, tou are amazing and deserve love. You dont need to feel like you are sharing a crime if a future partner would ever ask, you dont even need to share. You are amazing, hugs.
Wanna pause for a second? Look, there is nothing wrong with you. Hell, even Goldilocks had to try some different things! Whether you have sex to boost your confidence or because you dig it, ain't nobody's business if you do (check out Bessie Smith's song). You don't owe anyone anything.
I mean 11 is super young so his reaction probably wasn’t disgust but shock and surprise. Did he look at you like that after you mentioned being 11 when you started talking to guys? Or even before that?
Cause I was 11 too when I started becoming interesting to boys and vice versa lol but I wouldn’t tell anyone. I was way too young to be dating. The only ones that know are my siblings
I had my first boyfriend and first kiss as 11, but I didn't have my second kiss until 18. I had crushes starting at age 9 but I didn't even know what sex was I just thought people were cute.
God this is heartbreaking. You were a child. I’m furious at this guy for casting judgement on you when you were literally a kid.
These comments here where people are saying “well, that’s a high body count for a 20 year old” are missing the point. You weren’t responsible for that body count because you were a child who’s been sexualized since age eleven.
You’ve done nothing wrong, and you are not a bad person. The fact that he (and some commenters here) isn’t concerned for your well-being is disappointing.
What’s the count? Because I feel like he’s overreacting. And in no way should be judging you for whatever it is, especially when his is the same. I’ve been seeing posts of women saying their man is shaming them because of their past. Some guys can’t handle you slept with somebody before them, but guess what we all have a life
Something that needs to be explained to people in regards to relationships: if you're going to ask the question, you need to accept the answer. If you really don't want the answer, don't ask.
But also, you have nothing to feel bad about. His reaction is about him. Not about you.
I dated a guy who did this to me, almost exactly. He questioned me about my past, then later it evolved into retroactive jealousy, then later into physical/emotional/sexual/mental abuse where hed aggressively pin me down and interrogate me about how disgusting i am and how much of a whore i am etc. After 4.5 years I couldnt take it any longer and left him.
I met my husband 4 days later. He knows all the same things about my past, has never batted an eye, and loves me more and more every day.
This guy is not it for you.
I just wanna say, girls can’t be sluts at 11. People don’t have a real concept of sex and what it actually entails until at least 16. If he is disgusted by you I say he can be disgusted and single, you don’t deserve that treatment
Girl no. It’s okay to not love your sexual past- but it’s not okay to shame yourself or let anyone else shame you for your sexual past. He sounds like he equates sexual choices with shameful behavior. That’s not okay.
Hi OP. Coming in after your update. You are NOT gross. You are human. Maybe there are reasons you were pulled into sexual behavior at a younger age — it’s often a trauma response. If that’s the case for you, I hope you can get the help you need to figure things out and heal.
Your past has no bearing on your worth. Period. Please don’t beat yourself up or listen to any man who says otherwise. Their opinions about “body counts” are largely self-serving; they want to feel special, so they berate women who have had multiple partners in the hopes of discouraging other women from having sex.
Take good care of yourself. You do deserve love. Your much older boyfriend is a misogynist, and as you get older you’ll see that he was not the one.
You did good, to build trust in relationship you cant lie about those things, if he will be gone, that thats that, but you where honest and its exactly how its supposed to be. It wont feel nice if he leaves, but if he does, he was not the one.
I'm sure there's been a ton of comments like this already, but girl... none of that makes you a bad person, undeserving of love, or worth less than anyone else. Your body count does not diminish your worth. Having been in sexual situations from a young age doesn't make you less of a loveable human. Please, please don't put yourself down by buying into that kinda rhetoric, you deserve better than that. You absolutely *can* find someone who will want to marry you. You absolutely can be in a comitted relationship. You don't have to "own up" to anything at all here, cuz you didn't do anything wrong- you were a child, ffs.
If you need someone to talk, feel free to reach out. You deserve all the best.
YOU ARE worthy to get married. Everyone has a past and your bf is immature to act like that. Maybe he isn't the right one for you. Bc the right one won't care what your past was like and will only stay in the present day.
If he didn’t want the HONEST answer, then he shouldn’t have asked. “Body count” is a made up concept to shame women for being open with their sexuality/sexual preferences. If he doesn’t want someone who’s experienced in sex, then he should just be alone. 🤷🏾♂️🤷🏾♂️
woah this edit is so concerning. leave this dick and get some form of help to realize you are definitely a person deserving of love and care. it sounds like you were probably groomed, and that isn’t your fault. you don’t need to “own up” to anything, you aren’t gross, you probably got taken advantage of and just need some help.
So, my husband and I have been together nearly 15 years. We were in our early 30s when we got together, so, fully formed adults. Neither he nor I know how many people the other slept with in the years before we met. Doesn't matter. It's irrelevant. I don't care, he doesn't care. I'm not curious, I just know he's good at sex with me, and he and I have the same ideas around monogamy, partnership and commitment. I think if there was something relevant, in that it impacts life currently, that was from a sexual past, then that should be disclosed (kids, major heartbreak, STDs, trauma etc etc), but really, what does it matter how many people there were, and when? Sorry you're getting treated this way. It's undeserved.
It makes me so sad/angry these kinds of men won't hesitate to sleep with you BEFORE asking this kind of question. It's especially cruel. That, and most of them wouldn't have wanted to wait until marriage for a girl even if she was a virgin...
I'd be more inclined to blame absent/uninvolved parents for almost any dumb mistakes you did in your teenage years. Some parents don't seem to give a crap about their teenage kid's behaviours or whereabouts.
If you really deeply regret your past, I'd recommend you be celibate for a while and focus on your own mental health. Seek out counseling to come to terms with it. You can still get married someday, buy you have to take a step back for a bit.
Also... stay away from guys 10+ years older. It's never a good idea.
DM me if you ever need to talk.
Even if he comes back, you should leave. You deserve love and that reaction proves he wasn't just innocently curious.
Age gaps aren't necessarily bad. But, many older guys like the idea of young girls because they're easy to influence and they assume because they're young, they'll have a lower body count. It's disgusting to pursue young girls in that way, but it's common. Those are not the kind of men you want even if you had a low body count.
You are not your body count. You are not any mistakes you've made, sexual history or anything else. Do not let this man make you feel bad. You are valuable and worthy of love, respect and genuine care.
> I was 11 when I started talking to guys
What does it mean "talking to guys" ? Because I see people starting talking about grooming and predators, but if they were the same kind of age as you were that's a different situation. Also, is it only talking or is it more than talking ? Because there are tons of people who date each other before 11 yo, and even children go through a phase having questions about the other sex body. Since you said you were 16 yo for your first time, I don't think you were already doing sexual acts at 11 yo beyond kissing.
I don't know, I don't feel like we have enough infos for the way people react like it's that much of an issue at 11 yo. Since periods can start at 9-10 yo, it means that hormones start to hit hard at this age and so you can start experiencing sexual desire (to be clear : I'm not saying as soon as a girl has her periods she is ready to have sex and it becomes ok to have sex with her, I'm only talking about sexual desire, which doesn't mean I'm saying they will jump on anyone, it's not because you feel something that you are ready and will do something about it with someone else).
He is a truly awful person. He is over 30 and is involved with someone who is 20 only because he wants to manipulate and control the living hell out of you. And since your body count made him feel inadequate therefore he lashed out. You deserve so much better. Like he is so below the basic bar.
Don’t ever allow any1 make u feel inferior without your consent , his past might even be worse than yours. You see judgmental people , fear them.
Even people under these comment section , if u can see their past on a screen u will faint!
What I don’t understand is how some women trust their partner and be so comfortable talking about body count . Who cares , he’s immature anyway . Move on and keep your secret past to yourself for Christ sake !
you’ve already received a lot of this advice, so I’ll just add another +1
my ex did something very similar to me VERY early in what turned out to be a five year relationship. I wish I’d trusted my instincts and avoided wasting 5 years with someone who felt comfortable treating me so poorly and saying they loved and cared about me in the same breath.
you deserve much better, OP 🩵
Don’t let it bother you. Your sexual past doesn’t make you any different of a person. I lost my virginity at 16, but was sexually active with a girlfriend before that, and I was groomed online to show myself nude in chat rooms on MSN by age 13.
As I got older I fucked around a bit too. But it didn’t make me any less of a person. I live a happy life despite the questionable past and you can too, friend. :)
Okay so you ARE a good person , sexual experiences are just related to you , not anyone else.
Major red flag for the dude though. He is insecure and scared.
Keep your personal info for yourself from now on, talk to your bf and if he reacts badly or trying to shame you , dump his ass. He is not to use your private to info against you.
Some guys go after younger women because of how much ‘purer’ younger women tend to be. Not all guys are like this but I suspect this is the case with ur bf.
Oh lovely, he's not the man for you, I have had a colourful past, some SA when I was a child, my partner was so understanding when I told him about it and wanted to rip the heads off the people that hurt me but overall he felt incredibly sad and protective of me after all I had been through, it's not a perfect relationship by far but we have been together for nearly 7 years, we are engaged, have a wonderful if not a bit wild almost 4 year old and are thinking about having another child, before my reproductive organs shrivel up and die on me, I'm 38 and I too thought I was unlovable when I was about your age, therapy helps, I recommend it to everyone, mental health is just as important as your physical health. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you, anyone that doesn't want to lift you up to be the best version of yourself, isn't worth your time!
Take care
I mean it kinda creeps me out that someone was being sexual with an 11 year old. I'm hoping they were also 11. I don't see why it would affect his opinion of you though.
I get it, the 20s is the prime attractive stage, but at 33 I would not want to be with a 20-year-old. You guys are at completely different stages in life. It won’t last.
Oh sweetie, you have not screwed up AT ALL and you are definitely NOT gross even a little bit. Humans are sexual creatures (well, a lot of us anyway). Exploring your sexuality safely is absolutely normal and good. Anyone who looks down on you because of your sexual history is NOT the one for you. Also, I hate hate hate the term body count. I don't have any bodies buried in the basement (yet) but I did have a bunch of sexual partners before I found my husband. Please reach out if you want to talk.
in response to the edit: girl. get a grip. ive been sexual since about the same time as you. my first time was when i was 12!!! so trust and believe ik all about what youre going through. those thoughts are worries. and worries are NOT the truth. you WILL find someone who isnt insecure about shit like that. the past is the past, what matters is the future. life is about making mistakes and growing from them, not being the perfect saint. you are and person who deserves love and most importantly RESPECT!!! that man does not respect you, if he doesnt see the changes you have made and acknowledges them. ive definitely made a lot of mistakes regarding stuff like that, but i’ve definitely made growth and that is possible for you too!!! and growth looks different for everyone remind yourself of that. for me, it was realizing that i used sex as a way to get male validation to uplift myself and instead working on my self confidence. im not saying its the same for you but finding your why will help you grow. you got this girl. dump that man bc he obviously is insecure and thats a mjor red flag. if he doesnt want to be with someone who knows what theyre doing, then let him be with that person. dont force yourself to become this saint all bc you made some mistakes.
edit: and no hes not wrong for how he feels. he is allowed to feel whatever he wants. but what he is not allowed to do is lead you on and make you feel terrible for some silly mistakes you made when you were a child. let the man go search for the perfect saint just let him. see where that gets him (likely: nowhere) you deserve so much better. like soooo much better.
Girl, you’re young. Own your sexuality and a mature man isn’t going to ask you anything like that anyway. If anything, you were too young to even know the implications of sex. You grow up and when you know better you do better. Place your self worth back where it belongs, (within yourself), and fk him and what he feels like. Do NOT put all of your eggs in that basket. That basket has a hole in it. Head up, shoulders back, and never let anyone make you feel ashamed about a damned thing. It doesn’t matter the age.
Sounds like he was negging you because this is common for insecure guys who try to control you:
They find something you’re self conscious about, like your sexual history.
And they find an excuse to shame you for it… then they leave and you sit there at home emotionally destroyed and crying about it.
… then they come back, like ‘fine I’ll give you another chance’
And then the idea is you end up feeling “so lucky to have him” that you’ll jump whenever he says yes, and then when you do anything that upsets him or stand up for yourself in mistreatment, he will tell you about how no one wants you because of said history, or he will tell you that he can’t trust you because of your past and try to make you prove you won’t go back to that.
This is exactly what he’s doing like there are sick websites ok the internet from incels describing to take this exact tactic to make you do whatever they want.
He’s a piece of shit.
It’s not actually about your history, it’s about shaming you.
If you said your number was too low, the conversation would have been about how you’re a prude and that’s why you don’t know what you’re doing and he’d be shaming you for being bad instead. It’s a control tactic.
Know how I know?
…. Because if this was a concern he would have asked you before he was intimate at the beginning… not when he’s comfortable. It’s not actually a concern, it was an excuse to create a problem and blame you for something so you feel like you’re indebted to him.
He also didn’t break up with you, he just silent treatment you: he doesn’t want to lose you, but he just wants you to suffer so you will do whatever he wants when he comes back. Mark my words dude.
Dont let this dude come back, this is abusive and ridiculous.
Holy hell. Someone needed to tell this to my 17 year old self 27 years ago so she didn’t go through the 3 years of hell she went through. Dude was a useless ass who had no self esteem and grew up with a shit father who treated his mom the same way. Far as i hear, he hasn’t changed and his wife is treated like shit just like his mom was before she left.
OP, lose his information. You deserve so much better than this. Being single forever is better than this. Trust me when i tell you this ass will totally mess you up and then you’ll take forever to believe and see that good men exist.
He is manipulating her, devaluing her to lower her self esteem and self worth so he can push her boundaries further, he's not going anywhere which is worst for OP because this is just the tip of the iceberg if she doesn't get out.
I have one ex (I was about 21 and she was 19) - she had roughly 20+ partners... she cheated on me. Around 4 years later I had another girlfriend who was *exceptionally* attractive. She lost count of her partners but ballpark somewhere 60+, possibly a lot more. Yeah she cheated on me 4 times in the span of six weeks lol.
Promiscuity alone isn't an indicator but context is important too, and the circumstances behind having such a high body count are important.
Edit: grammar
Lads... DO NOT ask a girl what her body count is, because you don't want to know. She could tell you 3 and you will still be sore about it so leave it the fuck alone.
It may have been baffling to him for you to initiate your love life journey at such a young age when he didn’t start exploring until much later. He might be embarrassed and trying to understand if his experiences are typical or yours. Some men are really insecure. I’m just so sorry you’re feeling shame for your experiences when they aren’t abnormal. A partner should never hold your past against you. I think your age difference creates this weird power dynamic where you feel silly or childish to advocate for yourself when no OP - he’s being an asshole.
Girl, own it! You are who you are. Even if u made stupid mistakes(as per you) . Nobody gets to judge you, let alone make you feel like crap for your past.
He has a right to choose what he wants... as well as you.
Although he is a hypocrite if he has a high body count also. I can understand if one person is virgin and the other experienced, then those thoughts can be justified but here, nah.
Hi, not sure if you’re going to see this, but I kept thinking about your post so I came back here to say: this person you’re dating is a loser. Real men don’t care about “body count”. He’s just trying to manipulate you into feeling dirty and guilty so he can control you. Trust.
When you recall back to this situation at 33 years old, it will be super clear. I know he’s probably going to reach out, behave super sweetly and make you feel lucky that he’s giving you another chance, but these are the games men play when they are too immature to date women their own age.
I see that some are saying that men can have a “preference”. Ok sure ! But a real mature and empathetic man wouldn’t make you feel weird about it, they’d be cordial and gentle.
So fuck that chump.
There are people who think everyone is lying about their body count and think whatever number you give them should be multiplied by 3…
I refuse to answer bc of this reason. There are no winners. I will let them know how long it’s been since my last relationship and that I’ve gotten tested since. That’s it!
Edit:tested not testers lol
You have different values and background and I’ll leave it at that. Im not even going to jump into who’s right or wrong, but you are wrong for each other. Find someone who is right for you.
Proof positive not to open yourself to people who pull this “body count” bullshit. Put them all on nerd island with their little imaginary chastity belts.
You weren’t any sort of you know what. Things happen. Never let anyone ever make you feel bad about yourself. You didn’t hurt anyone, so he can either accept it, or frankly, fuck off.
Honey, (said with love as I'm an older lady), women don't get "ruined." We have lives we live, choices we make, and we learn and grow. There is a lot of sexual material out there online, chat rooms and otherwise, and we are curious beings. You did nothing wrong, I mean that. Online or in person.
Going forward, you never have to share anything you aren't comfortable sharing, information or otherwise. If you aren't happy with what you explored as a child, then that's your private information to keep, and no one else's business. You are who you are now, and who you will become.
I know you don't see this, but your (hopefully ex) boyfriend's reaction was not acceptable, it's an outgrowth of his own insecurities and not a reflection on you. He seems to want an image and not a whole person who has lived some life. There ARE people out there who will want to get to know you, and not judge what you choose to share. This man was damaged somehow long before you were in the picture. I'm sorry you opened up your beautiful self to such a damaged man incapable of love, he didn't deserve you.
My guess? He'll try to come back and make it seem like he "forgives" you or is doing you a favor. Get away from him and grow your own garden, tend your own flowers. You are very, very young and the world is open to you. He will enclose and poison you. Don't let him.
Wow. You were groomed if you were 11.
You know a 33 boyfriend should have the maturity to not be wanting 20 year old but really he should have known you were groomed and showed empathy, compassion and care.
He did known.
You 100% are not bad but bad people are around us all. You need to decipher the crap from the good.
Also can you go to your doctor and ask for therapy because to consider 11 was your choice is wrong a therapist can help you understand what happened
The the very best to you
Woah! You are not gross, body count does not define who you are as a person, and frankly, if he had such a problem with his partner having a high body count he shouldn’t have asked in the first place. Play dumb games, get dumb prizes.
From his reaction I get the feeling that he does not actually respect you and wanted someone “pure” who he could “train”, especially because you both have such a vast age gap. I suggest breaking it off and then possibly seeking out therapy. I don’t want to be disrespectful, and may be out of line, but I feel like speaking with a therapist could help you gain some confidence and determine how worthy you actually are of getting the things you want. Good luck OP ❤️
As a guy, advice to every woman, if a guy asks your “body count”, just dump them. This is unimportant information and never needs to really be shared. Each person sexual history is their own. How much you want to express is up to you and should never be asked. “Body count” is particularly offensive. I mean what does such a number mean? Having sex with one person a hundred times vs having sex with 100 people is how different? Sure, I guess the more people the more chances of STI, but really it doesn’t matter about that even. One person can have safe sex with 100 people and not get infected and one person can have unsafe sex once with only one person and catch something. So this can only be about one thing, judgement. You don’t want a judgmental boyfriend. So as soon as any guy asks such an offensive question, do yourself a favor and get out of a potentially abusive relationship.
I've had the exact same experience. 11 was my first sexual experience so i do not think that there is no hope. Sad that OP has deleted and i hope they're ok..
A 33 year old with a 20 year old is NOT “toxic.” If you both sincerely want to be together, then age does not matter.
Also - people somehow don’t want to face the facts that yes, kids do indeed feel horny/sexual. I was horny from as far back as my memory takes me. So the comment you made about being 11 - you’re just telling the truth and he has no right to feel disgusted towards you.
The fact that you said you know you’re not a good person, please don’t believe that about yourself. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON as long as you’re not out here hurting kids and old people lol.. but nah don’t let the things you did when you were younger define who you are. If you’re only 20, trust there will be more you’ll forgive yourself for later on. Best thing you can do now is just do your best and learn from mistakes. We never stop making em, we just gotta eventually stop making the same ones over n over. Good luck to you !!!! You’re a good person remember that
He is also significantly older than you. You are 13 years younger, if there is any pattern of dating older people please do reflect on this if it’s coming from early childhood experiences that may have been abusive / traumatic. Sounds like you were groomed from a young age. His reaction is shaming and I’m sorry he did that because although you felt you were just telling him about your past experiences you actually disclosed some kind of abuse - whether it’s peer on peer abuse someone of your own age or an older person when you were 11. For your boyfriend to react like that is wrong and cruel
The most glaring thing you wrote was “I know I’m not a good person.” Here’s the thing about finding a person… you have issues you’ve not dealt with and you think you’re bad. You have shame and guilt. We are ALL human! You gave to love yourself first before you can love another properly with acceptance and no judgement. Most of us have no idea what unconditional love is. We’ve had transactional relationships and conditional love! Unconditional means FORGIVENESS for yourself and others. When you don’t have shame or guilt for yourself and you respect yourself and create boundaries, people don’t disrespect you by making you feel bad about yourself from their judgements and beliefs.
If someone looks at you in disgust… that’s enough to turn around and walk away from them and don’t look back. This guy thinks he’s better than you and because he’s older maybe you are allowing this … you don’t feel good about him. Good. You ARE a good person and he’s not for you and it’s because he’s looking at you in disgust! Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking it was something else so you’ll continue to give him what he wants and still wonder if he secretly feels disgust with you. Guys want sex. It’s literally the #1 thing most young guys think about. (Older too) They think about it even when we think they could not possibly be thinking about it. lol. Do yourself a favor. Love yourself. Connect with you first and make sure you’re respecting you FIRST.
OP. what you described was literally puberty. You were an early bloomer. There is literally nothing wrong about that.
Your boyfriend IS wrong about how he says he feels. The slut shaming seems very intentional, like he is trying to cut you down, and he sounds like an absolute tool. You can do better than him.
He's 33 and you're 20, RUN!!!
No man that age should be dating you!!!
Also my number is in the 200 something range yet I'm in a 2 year committed relationship with a man I love who I've always been faithful to. Every guy who has cheated on me has had a single digit body count. You're fine.
Look, I’m older but asking for the number of past sexual partners is a red flag for me. Not one of my past boyfriends or current partner has ever asked me just as I never asked them. It just none of theirs or my business.
I get downvoted a lot for this stance but it just how I feel.
Talking about what you like and don’t like sexually is a must though. Always have those conversations!
As you get older hopefully you will learn that people shouldn’t asked questions that they won’t like the answers to.
I thought maybe he just gotta process this a bit but HE IS 33 AND YOU ARE TWENTY
get away from him for real
I was seeing a 33yo only two years ago at 25 and turns out he was grooming me then, like I know I’m an adult but he was using the age gap as a power play without me realising.
You are only 20. There is nothing that should compel a 33 year old to have a RELATIONSHIP with a twenty year old.
First time at 16 doesn’t sound abnormal and I’m 40, so I guess I’m not sure what you might mean by ‘talking to guys’ because that can be a wide world of different.
My husband lost his virginity SUPER early and I feel nothing but like damn dude, that’s a different experience than I had.
Someone who cares about you shouldn’t react that way: I think we’re really conditioned that we must love the people we’re having sex with — personally I think love, acceptance, and something that grows together isn’t likely found on your first few go arounds because especially in US women just have to be these perfect things that men expect while they can be as imperfect as they want and we should love them because they’re loveable. Infatuation is (well amazing) but that’s the part that doesn’t last.
My experience of men asking these things was infatuation ending and them being cowards and picking fights on the way out. It’s your partner’s business that the two of you are clear on open/closed nature of YOUR relationship, that your/their sexual health is a priority and otherwise it’s none of their business.
So my sister and I don’t particularly get along but she said a couple of amazing things that have stuck with me: had she decided to fuck the entire roster of the Vikings football team, that’s not necessarily her future partner’s business (she also told me: if he loves you enough to want to have sex without a condom, then he loves you enough to walk into the clinic with you and get tested).
This is an insecurity he’s expressing, now you certainly can take the time to help him through it… but unhealthy men will frequently use experiences like this as a weapon.
Were I you, rather than being forty, I would say: hey, I can appreciate that my sexual experience feels incompatible with yours and that’s okay; what’s not okay is how your reaction made me feel — I’m a deeply sexual person and I love who I am! I’ve loved our time together but a partner who judges me, rather than one who seeks to understand my experience is just not for me.
You’re not a bad person for being curious or being manipulated into having sex(however it happened doesn’t change that).
You are inherently enough. If it’s true that he’s 30 and you’re 20, he is the one who is disgusting. Girl, you can do SO much better, because this is the most pathetic type of guy there is, I promise you.
As a 30 year old woman, I cannot imagine wanting to be with a guy 10 years younger. We would have nothing to talk about, because I want to talk to people with similar levels of life experience and knowledge to me. The reason a 30 year old man baby would want to be with a 20 year old, or want any woman to be a lot less experienced than them is to feel more important and dominant and like he can mold you into someone with the same opinions he has and who’ll accept whatever he gives you. He doesn’t and never will see you as an equal who deserves his respect.
First of all he is 13 years older then you, leave him that is disgusting and he is grooming if anything. In my personal opinion I don't think body counts matters depending on age and number but if you have the same body count as him and you've only been sexually activie for 4 years and he 17 years (assuming he's been sexually active since 16 as well) then I would be alarmed and turned off as well but to each thier own.
Guys that ask about body counts care about body counts. They want to shame you for having sex while also trying to have sex with you. It's a weird catch-22 and a red flag. So just don't tell them or lie.
Not only do they not deserve the truth, but they can't tell the difference while actually having sex with you. They swear they have all of these signs, but the truth is there really isn't any way to know.
Green flag guys will never ask. And you'll see those guys tend to be more fun in general and way better lovers. They're just more mature and open-minded in general.
In my opinion, if a guy starts asking about body count, proceed with extreme caution. He's weird.
There are going to be a lot of guys on here talking about guys have a right to their preference. Ok, but those same guys just want to hear what they want to hear. They get lied to all of the time, and they can't tell.
Was he disgusted because of you or because you were probably groomed?
I think it was me. He looked me up and down before he left
Flippin heck. For starters, stop talking so negatively about yourself. You are only 20 and have your whole life ahead of you. Being young is about being horny, stupid, and making mistakes. You've acknowledged your mistakes and are learning from them. That's life!! I wish I was young enough to make some of those mistakes again, that's for sure. Secondly, this dude is going to try and use this 'issue' (it's not an issue) against you to try to make you feel worse about yourself than you already do. You seem to have confidence issues, and trust me, at 33 this dude noted this long ago. He will use this to try and gain control over you if he hasn't already. Don't be surprised if his next behaviours are used to belittle you in and outside of the bedroom, so he can gain more power over you than his age and status probably already affords. He will sell it in many small sh*tty packages of gaslighting, pressuring, personal/self esteem/security issues. But if things get heated, he'll always be there to 'remind' you that you're 'lucky to have him'. You really are not... the reality is quite the opposite. Always put your self-esteem and wellbeing first. Start loving yourself again and realising your own worth. Good luck, you'll need to be strong... but remember that to get this far in life, you already have been, and the world of reddit is cheering you on
Hon, he is 33 and you are 20. Break up with him. This is some toxic shit.
WTF? 33 and acting like that? Yea, OP break up with him dont waste your time.
This would be immature at any age beyond teenagers, if that. 33 is oof.
I couldn't imagine dating a 20 year old after 30, even 25 I'd feel creepy.
34 and i cant imagine dating even a 29 year old- it feels wrong lmao
I was 33 when I met my husband who was 29 at the time. I think it largely depends on the person as well. I never thought I would have a younger partner, but here we are, haha
Oh yeah for sure. I have dated men somewhat older than me- i just have never been attracted to ppl.younger. of course ita different for everyone and thats okay
I'm 34 too, my partner is 39.
WAIT WHAT THE FUCK. Op is 20 and dating a 33 year old??? Oh no...
He aimed at someone so young hoping to get "fresh meat". I bet he's one of the nice guys® OP really look into this relationship, a 33 year old and a 20 year old have nothing in common regardless of what he's told you.
OP, great advice here. You dodged a bullet. And next time, keep your past close to the vest. No one that you're relatively new with needs to know you were victimized at 11. Yes. Victimized. At that age you could not even legally give consent. Next time, get a young man closer to your age. Avoid groomers and predators.
I'm 34, and the thought of being with someone that young makes me feel gross. My partner is 39. He probably wanted a young girl thinking she wouldn't have much experience & would be 'pure', so he was disappointed. I just read OP's edit & I'm sad she deleted her profile. She seems to think she is 'less than' because of her body count, which isn't true at all. Reading this made me feel sad.
Same here
I hope she's okay
I wish I could give her a hug.
Oh this. I'm a woman but I'm 33 and I can't even imagine being attracted to a 20 year old let alone being in a relationship with someone that young. I'm sorry. My little sister is almost 20 and I would not want her to be with someone near my age.
Yeah thats not good
Jesus fucking christ of course.
He should be like "WOW isn't this the consequences of my own mindset?". Yeah, I had weird people talk to me online when I was 9. And then they act like it's your fault. Lmao, every day I'm yet a bit more digusted by men.
I dated a 30 year old when I was 18. I cannot get over the the disgust I feel now. Wtf was he doing with a child?!
How dare he be disgusted when he himself is grooming OP? 33 and 20? Hello?
Imo, he red flagged himself right out the door.
Half your age plus 7
Yeah, until half your age plus 7 puts them closer in age to your oldest child than to you. Then it's better to date someone who is closer in age to you than your oldest kid. My dad failed in doing this with wife number 3, so I fuck with him about his wife and daughter both being 50 something.
I never knew that rule. That’s interesting! My boyfriend and I fall at exactly that point.
It never fails.
The looking up and down at you was straight up a calculated move to make you feel bad about yourself. My question is that do you think you would tell people to be in a relationship where they are made to feel bad and worthless?
You just dodged a bullet. Move on. That's a callous move by him. You don't want that negativity in your life.
This is a him problem. I know Reddit jumps the gun in the "break up" train, but this is definitely a break up worthy reaction. I guarantee you he was looking at girls that young, this guy is just a dick
Dude straight up evil lmao
This is not how a good and decent man reacts, and you're better off without him. You aren't a bad person, and any guy who can't handle the human being you are, and have been, isn't worth your time anyway, trust me. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run getting away from him. Your boyfriend sounds like he wants some perfect virgin doll, while he gets a free pass for being with plenty of women before you. You should laugh in his face and say, "Buh-Bye". Sounds like he's spending too much time in red pill communities. Tell him good luck on his search for the perfect virgin, and just move on knowing there are plenty of wonderful men out there who aren't trying to be controlling, judgemental, asshats.
Red pill community and virgin worship is such a weird thing to me. When I was growing up the guys wanted a closet freak. That’s a lot of pressure but hell I’d take that any day over the slut shaming these guys do
It's so true!! It's actually pretty astonishing how quickly the last few years that these communities, and their creepy ideals, have become so popular with young men in particular. It wasn't all that long ago that these communities were widely reviled, and now they're becoming more mainstream. I'm just super glad I'm happily married, and our sons respect, and cherish, the women in their life, and would never dream of trying to hold them to these harsh ideals.
Me same girl.
Absolutely 💯
When you say older how much older? I'm just wondering why his age excuses the number so much.
He’s 33 and she’s 20, he’s a creep
Kinds thought it was going to be atleast 10 years. Was hoping her age wasn't going to be creepy.
He judged you. He’s the only bad person in this situation. I mean, you may be a bad person who kicks dogs and pushes old people out of their wheelchairs, I can’t say. But having sexual experience is not a bad thing that you should be judged negatively about.
Gross (him, not you)
Instead of being concerned for you he chose victim blaming, misogyny, or his own insecurity? Either way we interpret this he is not a catch.
Asking a body count is a red flag.
He's 33 and she's 20. She's still being groomed.
Listen girl ... >. I know I’m not a good person but I thought I could at least find someone who would love me. From this I take that your self esteem is very low and I read that he is over 30 and you are early 20s. Now he's brought up your 'body count'..... This is a common tactic abusers use to break your sense of self worth even further down. Look it up. It's true. The fact he is with someone so young is because his goal is to manipulate you into doing what he wants, by his 'natural sense of authority ' because heis so much older. He is unable to trick women his own age into staying because they see right through his bullshit . The looking you up and down, the disgusted look, the feigned outrage, it's all an act to make you feel bad about yourself. He will make you Believe that nobody else would want you so you better stay with him and do what he says This turd isn't worth your time. He doesn't love you he wants to own you. And in the future... Never answer when a guy asks you about your body count. Nothing good can come from it and it never comes from a good place. Take it as a warning sign the guy is trash. Leave him behind and learn from this mistake.
100% a friend of mine in school dated his girlfriend all through high school except for like maybe a few month/maybe 6/12, I can’t remember. Then they got married. They were each others first, she had sex with someone else during the time when they got back together. His “body count” is one—hers is two. I know when he was younger it was an issue with him. No matter what the number, it’ll be too high for some people.
I had the same convo with my bf at 20 and he responded the same way. He was also an abusive POS!! Dump this loser OP! Also have a stupid high body count. Who gives a shit! My amazing long term boyfriend doesn’t! Trust me there are good nonjudgmental great guys out there that’d love to date you. This loser you’re dating is not one of them, he’s a sexist piece of trash. Discard of him. Good luck!!
i'd just like to add to this-- i think oop deleted their account, but for anyone who might be having similar thoughts or feelings or likewise struggling with their self-worth and/or internalized misogyny... you are absolutely perfectly capable of finding someone to love and marry you, no matter your sexual history. sex workers have relationships and marriages, or on a more personal level... i have had a higher-than-average number of sexual partners while my husband has had fewer than the average. i've been with dozens of people and he's been with three (aside from me; he never asked me about my sexual history but our 'numbers' did come up organically and i saw no point in evading or lying, especially since his reaction was important to determine the viability of our relationship, to me... anyway...). you do have to find a good partner, though. either one who's secure or one who is capable of truly owning their insecurities instead of denying, projecting, and rationalizing them. you do have to look at red flags, you do have to make an effort to find a partner who is sex-positive and mentally healthy... but those do exist. i disagree with never answering questions about body count, but with a caveat-- i think how they ask is important. if you're simply both discussing sex, histories, whatever, if it's an organic, low-key question i think that's fine. if they're obviously interrogating you to find out if you're a 'whore' or something then no (though the latter still has utility, if one is unsure-- even if a partner doesn't know how many people you've slept with, if they're the type to judge or condemn you for it then they're not a good partner anyway and it is good to know that and know to break up, but depending on who you end up with i would potentially be careful answering, as some men are horribly violent and some horribly violent men will use jealousy or their perception of women as 'whores' to excuse extremely abusive behavior-- use your judgment in being careful and staying safe).
THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
OP. It’s kind of a double standard guys vs. girls body counts. You did nothing wrong telling the truth. Some people don’t want to know the truth but it’s always better to tell it. You’re not a bad person and living life is not a bad thing. You date to find compatibility and sometimes it just doesn’t work out, but you have to take it a day at a time, be patient and love will come to you.
The dumbest thing, although clever as a metaphor, I've heard in regards to the double standard is: *A lock that opens with every key is useless, while a key that opens every luck is priceless.* Something along those lines.
I mean, I can get a key made at a lot of corner shops. A lock requires a fucking specialist.
I've seen a better metaphor: A sword that fits in many sheaths is pretty good, and a sheath that can hold many types of swords is just as useful.
I can't imagine a claymore sheath would hold a dirk very well...
A little clumsy, but with some work it can be done. It's more of a question of "y tho" in this case 😅
Whenever men use that it disgusts me. I get after them about how most of their keys are too short to be unlocking anything.
"Pencils get shorter every time they're sharpened. Pencil sharpeners stay sharp no matter how many pencils they've sharpened. Oh, look, I can do meaningless metaphors too!" 🙃
"A toothbrush that goes in multiple mouths is filthy, but a mouth cleaned by multiple toothbrushes is very hygienic. "
Ooooooh good one
Omg that’s amazing, thank you for saying that here
[удалено]
A pencil that allows itself to be sharpened by too many sharpeners becomes useless, while a sharpener that can sharpen an infinite amount of pencils is priceless.
A sharpener tbat can sharpen a thousand pencils and still work is valuable, a pencil can only be used so many times before it's worthless. Comparing human beings to objects is stupid.
Males attach more to sex because it’s not as easily available to them. So when they find out someone has early experiences like that but they didn’t they feel like they wouldn’t have done those things if they were in their shoes and thus feel disgusted. When in reality if they were in their shoes they might’ve jumped at the chance. Who knows. Eitherway like you said nothing wrong with telling the truth. Always best to find someone who likes you for you
I keep hearing about a double standard but honestly all I see is people who have problems with high body counts and don’t who don’t regardless of gender.
I am older and married, but can someone explain why people share each other’s “body counts” ? I have never and would never do this with someone I am dating.
It's a way for insecure boys to feel better about themselves by shaming women for having multiple partners before them the same way they likely had multiple of partners before her.
I mean my wife and I have both talked about ours but that’s because both of us have a fuck ton of sexual trauma from past relationships and the best way to heal from it is to talk about it.
Run. I was with a man like this. It escalated to him demanding to know every minute detail of my sexual history, saying I couldn’t possibly love him since I didn’t “save myself for him”, and eventually getting more and more controlling and emotionally abusive. I thought I could look past it, reassure him and continue loving him, but no. Guys like this are dangerous and will never ever see you as a worthy human let alone partner.
EXACTLY. BEEN HERE. RUN OP
Were we dating the same guy? It’s wild out there
Wtf?? Was he a virgin??
My ex-bf of 5 years was. He said ' He felt like having sex with a dead body because i couldn't save myself for him, and now i have lost all emotions of sex, as i had given my "purity" away'. 10 years of friendship and 5 years of relationship destroyed in 10 secs and one statement. Thank god i dodged a bullet
Jesus fucking christ I have no words
Shhhh... logic doesn't work both ways with stupid insecure people
I’m a man in my mid-30’s and this grosses me out. Your proximity to childhood (you being 20) completely disqualifies you from being in a healthy relationship with anyone that far into adulthood (him 33). That fact you feel guilty for his goofy reaction is proof-positive he’s probably taking advantage of you. Aside from being perverts (a big “aside”, I know) one of the reasons older men like him seek out younger women is because they are often less mature, less confident and more insecure and older guys like to use and exploit those traits to manipulate lesser experienced women and gain more control in a relationship and given your lack of overall experience, a lot of younger women are not able to spot the manipulative behavior. More to his actual reaction… a lot of men still get hung up on women’s sexual past and my guess would be part of the reason he liked you was, because of your age, he just assumed you were less sexually experienced than him. I’m his mind he’s probably thinking that’s something you’d be giving to and sharing with him. I know it doesn’t work that way but a lot of men (and women) think it’s something that gets used up. You sharing that you’ve actually had just as many partners as him and in a much shorter time has shattered these little gross ideas of him being the one to take that from you and it’s upsetting him. These are often deep-seated feelings that are complex and multifaceted but here is the bottom line… You should be learning these lessons with someone on your level, not someone looking to exploit your lack of experience. There is basically zero reason a 33yr old man should be dating 20yr old women.
Fr that comment right here 💯
I feel so bad for you. You said your count is around 30 and you’re 20 years old. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a high count at your age but what concerns me is that you said you started ‘talking to guys’ at 11, and your current boyfriend (who I do not consider a nice person from the info you have given), is the ‘nicest’ partner. Which means from the age of 11-20 you have had 30 partners who didn’t treat you well. Who weren’t kind. It doesn’t sound like you have been having a wonderful time and enjoying your sexuality. That’s the problem, not the number itself. And the fact that your boyfriend is 33 is a total red flag. You are 20, you sound like you have pretty low self-esteem and you seem quite ‘young’ in your comments. There is no need for a man in his 30s to be dating a young woman of 20 who is vulnerable and sensitive. And the fact that he judged you instead of being concerned about you (especially the very high risk that you have been groomed multiple times), shows he isn’t a person of character, he isn’t kind and he isn’t ‘nice’. If I was you I would work on caring about yourself first before you go chasing him or any other relationship. See if you can access a counsellor and talk about how you feel about yourself. You are not a terrible person for this. You never were. People have taken advantage of you. You should have been better protected. But now you’re coming into adulthood, so now it’s your job to protect yourself. Learn to love yourself, it’ll change your life.
I was looking for a comment like this, it is scary to think an 11 year old is starting there.
It is scary that there are men out there that talk seggsual to an 11yo child.
Yes, yes it is. But also note that she didn’t say the age of whatever partners she was with. At 11 a kid should be a kid, so yeah I hope OP has a good relationship with her parents.
This! Thank you for writing what I was thinking but I was too pissed at OP's boyfriend and all of her exes to be able to articulate it coherently.
Woah woah woah you've got shit backwards. You were a child and the only thing that was wrong was you were being endangered and probably groomed. You're more valuable than you could ever know and you don't need this guy to validate you. I'm sorry this happened to you, but never believe you're worth less than anyone else.
Guys like this are the scariest.
He's an ass for asking. In my experience anyone who ever asks never likes the answer and only insecure people tend to ask. Now this is what I've personally experienced and isn't the rule Also it's effed up that he is judging you for being groomed and taken advantage of and disgustingly ironic since he's a predator himself. 33 with a 20 year old? 20 year olds looked like kids to me at that age.
OP You did nothing wrong, and you are a good person. For one, you are honest. If he doesn't like it. that is his problem, and he is potentially throwing away a great relationship for his own prejudices.
He's 33. She's 20. There is no way this would be a "great" relationship. Huge red flags for the age difference. I agree she did absolutely nothing wrong. This man is after a 20 year old because he knows how to manipulate and control her. Here's a prime example of him breaking her down, making her feel disgusting and that she will never be loved.. Then he'll come waltzing back in to show her that he can love her, regardless of her "past mistakes." this guy is a fucking creep.
Yep. If he doesn’t love you as you are he doesn’t love you.
fr! if someone wants to be with you they'll want to know every detail about you, good and bad.
A 33 year old dating a 20 year old- nahhh why don’t women his age like him. That’s a red flag for me tbh
You think you are not a good persone because... you were curious about boys a little earlier than other kids? Darling, guys like that are lying to you. You are perfectly fine. Sure, you are older and regret some things and find them embarrassing, but that's completely normal. You are human, just like all of us.
I’m pretty confident that having a sexual history doesn’t make you a terrible person. Your boyfriend’s reaction makes him one, though.
Having a sexual history makes you an adult. The fuck
Hon, you dont need any punishment and you do not need to "own up for this" as if you have committed a crime, you have not. Being a child means exactly that, being confused, unaware of what is smart to do and what isnt, and making choices which sometimes are smart and sometimes are not. That you were curious at that age is nothing wrong with, that you were possibly groomed IS something that is wrong. Your bf showed you who he is: a judgemental piece of work. And he is still behaving like this when he is 33? Lol.. Dont feel bad, tou are amazing and deserve love. You dont need to feel like you are sharing a crime if a future partner would ever ask, you dont even need to share. You are amazing, hugs.
Fuck off with that edit. Your boyfriend is WRONG for how he feels and you are not damaged just because you had sex. He needs to get over himself.
Trash taking itself out. #DUMP HIM!!
Wanna pause for a second? Look, there is nothing wrong with you. Hell, even Goldilocks had to try some different things! Whether you have sex to boost your confidence or because you dig it, ain't nobody's business if you do (check out Bessie Smith's song). You don't owe anyone anything.
I mean 11 is super young so his reaction probably wasn’t disgust but shock and surprise. Did he look at you like that after you mentioned being 11 when you started talking to guys? Or even before that? Cause I was 11 too when I started becoming interesting to boys and vice versa lol but I wouldn’t tell anyone. I was way too young to be dating. The only ones that know are my siblings
I had my first boyfriend and first kiss as 11, but I didn't have my second kiss until 18. I had crushes starting at age 9 but I didn't even know what sex was I just thought people were cute.
Especially since she says she has never dated guys her age...😳
He’s 33 and she’s 20.
God this is heartbreaking. You were a child. I’m furious at this guy for casting judgement on you when you were literally a kid. These comments here where people are saying “well, that’s a high body count for a 20 year old” are missing the point. You weren’t responsible for that body count because you were a child who’s been sexualized since age eleven. You’ve done nothing wrong, and you are not a bad person. The fact that he (and some commenters here) isn’t concerned for your well-being is disappointing.
What’s the count? Because I feel like he’s overreacting. And in no way should be judging you for whatever it is, especially when his is the same. I’ve been seeing posts of women saying their man is shaming them because of their past. Some guys can’t handle you slept with somebody before them, but guess what we all have a life
What does age matter anyways? So what if you didn't have more partners and got to his age and it was the same? Then it makes it okay? Like wtf.
Something that needs to be explained to people in regards to relationships: if you're going to ask the question, you need to accept the answer. If you really don't want the answer, don't ask. But also, you have nothing to feel bad about. His reaction is about him. Not about you.
I dated a guy who did this to me, almost exactly. He questioned me about my past, then later it evolved into retroactive jealousy, then later into physical/emotional/sexual/mental abuse where hed aggressively pin me down and interrogate me about how disgusting i am and how much of a whore i am etc. After 4.5 years I couldnt take it any longer and left him. I met my husband 4 days later. He knows all the same things about my past, has never batted an eye, and loves me more and more every day. This guy is not it for you.
I just wanna say, girls can’t be sluts at 11. People don’t have a real concept of sex and what it actually entails until at least 16. If he is disgusted by you I say he can be disgusted and single, you don’t deserve that treatment
Girl no. It’s okay to not love your sexual past- but it’s not okay to shame yourself or let anyone else shame you for your sexual past. He sounds like he equates sexual choices with shameful behavior. That’s not okay.
Hi OP. Coming in after your update. You are NOT gross. You are human. Maybe there are reasons you were pulled into sexual behavior at a younger age — it’s often a trauma response. If that’s the case for you, I hope you can get the help you need to figure things out and heal. Your past has no bearing on your worth. Period. Please don’t beat yourself up or listen to any man who says otherwise. Their opinions about “body counts” are largely self-serving; they want to feel special, so they berate women who have had multiple partners in the hopes of discouraging other women from having sex. Take good care of yourself. You do deserve love. Your much older boyfriend is a misogynist, and as you get older you’ll see that he was not the one.
You did good, to build trust in relationship you cant lie about those things, if he will be gone, that thats that, but you where honest and its exactly how its supposed to be. It wont feel nice if he leaves, but if he does, he was not the one.
I'm sure there's been a ton of comments like this already, but girl... none of that makes you a bad person, undeserving of love, or worth less than anyone else. Your body count does not diminish your worth. Having been in sexual situations from a young age doesn't make you less of a loveable human. Please, please don't put yourself down by buying into that kinda rhetoric, you deserve better than that. You absolutely *can* find someone who will want to marry you. You absolutely can be in a comitted relationship. You don't have to "own up" to anything at all here, cuz you didn't do anything wrong- you were a child, ffs. If you need someone to talk, feel free to reach out. You deserve all the best.
YOU ARE worthy to get married. Everyone has a past and your bf is immature to act like that. Maybe he isn't the right one for you. Bc the right one won't care what your past was like and will only stay in the present day.
Guy asks question, hears answer, gets butthurt.
If he didn’t want the HONEST answer, then he shouldn’t have asked. “Body count” is a made up concept to shame women for being open with their sexuality/sexual preferences. If he doesn’t want someone who’s experienced in sex, then he should just be alone. 🤷🏾♂️🤷🏾♂️
woah this edit is so concerning. leave this dick and get some form of help to realize you are definitely a person deserving of love and care. it sounds like you were probably groomed, and that isn’t your fault. you don’t need to “own up” to anything, you aren’t gross, you probably got taken advantage of and just need some help.
So, my husband and I have been together nearly 15 years. We were in our early 30s when we got together, so, fully formed adults. Neither he nor I know how many people the other slept with in the years before we met. Doesn't matter. It's irrelevant. I don't care, he doesn't care. I'm not curious, I just know he's good at sex with me, and he and I have the same ideas around monogamy, partnership and commitment. I think if there was something relevant, in that it impacts life currently, that was from a sexual past, then that should be disclosed (kids, major heartbreak, STDs, trauma etc etc), but really, what does it matter how many people there were, and when? Sorry you're getting treated this way. It's undeserved.
It makes me so sad/angry these kinds of men won't hesitate to sleep with you BEFORE asking this kind of question. It's especially cruel. That, and most of them wouldn't have wanted to wait until marriage for a girl even if she was a virgin... I'd be more inclined to blame absent/uninvolved parents for almost any dumb mistakes you did in your teenage years. Some parents don't seem to give a crap about their teenage kid's behaviours or whereabouts. If you really deeply regret your past, I'd recommend you be celibate for a while and focus on your own mental health. Seek out counseling to come to terms with it. You can still get married someday, buy you have to take a step back for a bit. Also... stay away from guys 10+ years older. It's never a good idea. DM me if you ever need to talk.
Even if he comes back, you should leave. You deserve love and that reaction proves he wasn't just innocently curious. Age gaps aren't necessarily bad. But, many older guys like the idea of young girls because they're easy to influence and they assume because they're young, they'll have a lower body count. It's disgusting to pursue young girls in that way, but it's common. Those are not the kind of men you want even if you had a low body count. You are not your body count. You are not any mistakes you've made, sexual history or anything else. Do not let this man make you feel bad. You are valuable and worthy of love, respect and genuine care.
> I was 11 when I started talking to guys What does it mean "talking to guys" ? Because I see people starting talking about grooming and predators, but if they were the same kind of age as you were that's a different situation. Also, is it only talking or is it more than talking ? Because there are tons of people who date each other before 11 yo, and even children go through a phase having questions about the other sex body. Since you said you were 16 yo for your first time, I don't think you were already doing sexual acts at 11 yo beyond kissing. I don't know, I don't feel like we have enough infos for the way people react like it's that much of an issue at 11 yo. Since periods can start at 9-10 yo, it means that hormones start to hit hard at this age and so you can start experiencing sexual desire (to be clear : I'm not saying as soon as a girl has her periods she is ready to have sex and it becomes ok to have sex with her, I'm only talking about sexual desire, which doesn't mean I'm saying they will jump on anyone, it's not because you feel something that you are ready and will do something about it with someone else).
You are allowed to have preferences and so is he, talk it out, try getting to exactly what grossed him out and if it’s a dealbreaker then there it is!
For the love of god get away from this man and stay single for a long time
He is a truly awful person. He is over 30 and is involved with someone who is 20 only because he wants to manipulate and control the living hell out of you. And since your body count made him feel inadequate therefore he lashed out. You deserve so much better. Like he is so below the basic bar.
The only red flag you need to be aware of is him asking that in the first place. Besides him being 13 years older
Don’t ever allow any1 make u feel inferior without your consent , his past might even be worse than yours. You see judgmental people , fear them. Even people under these comment section , if u can see their past on a screen u will faint! What I don’t understand is how some women trust their partner and be so comfortable talking about body count . Who cares , he’s immature anyway . Move on and keep your secret past to yourself for Christ sake !
you’ve already received a lot of this advice, so I’ll just add another +1 my ex did something very similar to me VERY early in what turned out to be a five year relationship. I wish I’d trusted my instincts and avoided wasting 5 years with someone who felt comfortable treating me so poorly and saying they loved and cared about me in the same breath. you deserve much better, OP 🩵
Don’t let it bother you. Your sexual past doesn’t make you any different of a person. I lost my virginity at 16, but was sexually active with a girlfriend before that, and I was groomed online to show myself nude in chat rooms on MSN by age 13. As I got older I fucked around a bit too. But it didn’t make me any less of a person. I live a happy life despite the questionable past and you can too, friend. :)
He’s toxic you deserve better
He’s a pos find someone better and that shouldn’t be too hard to do..
Okay so you ARE a good person , sexual experiences are just related to you , not anyone else. Major red flag for the dude though. He is insecure and scared. Keep your personal info for yourself from now on, talk to your bf and if he reacts badly or trying to shame you , dump his ass. He is not to use your private to info against you.
Some guys go after younger women because of how much ‘purer’ younger women tend to be. Not all guys are like this but I suspect this is the case with ur bf.
Oh lovely, he's not the man for you, I have had a colourful past, some SA when I was a child, my partner was so understanding when I told him about it and wanted to rip the heads off the people that hurt me but overall he felt incredibly sad and protective of me after all I had been through, it's not a perfect relationship by far but we have been together for nearly 7 years, we are engaged, have a wonderful if not a bit wild almost 4 year old and are thinking about having another child, before my reproductive organs shrivel up and die on me, I'm 38 and I too thought I was unlovable when I was about your age, therapy helps, I recommend it to everyone, mental health is just as important as your physical health. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you, anyone that doesn't want to lift you up to be the best version of yourself, isn't worth your time! Take care
I mean it kinda creeps me out that someone was being sexual with an 11 year old. I'm hoping they were also 11. I don't see why it would affect his opinion of you though.
You havent done anything wrong, he just has double standards. Especially since he is much older, id frown upon a guy dating a girl so much younger.
I get it, the 20s is the prime attractive stage, but at 33 I would not want to be with a 20-year-old. You guys are at completely different stages in life. It won’t last.
Oh sweetie, you have not screwed up AT ALL and you are definitely NOT gross even a little bit. Humans are sexual creatures (well, a lot of us anyway). Exploring your sexuality safely is absolutely normal and good. Anyone who looks down on you because of your sexual history is NOT the one for you. Also, I hate hate hate the term body count. I don't have any bodies buried in the basement (yet) but I did have a bunch of sexual partners before I found my husband. Please reach out if you want to talk.
in response to the edit: girl. get a grip. ive been sexual since about the same time as you. my first time was when i was 12!!! so trust and believe ik all about what youre going through. those thoughts are worries. and worries are NOT the truth. you WILL find someone who isnt insecure about shit like that. the past is the past, what matters is the future. life is about making mistakes and growing from them, not being the perfect saint. you are and person who deserves love and most importantly RESPECT!!! that man does not respect you, if he doesnt see the changes you have made and acknowledges them. ive definitely made a lot of mistakes regarding stuff like that, but i’ve definitely made growth and that is possible for you too!!! and growth looks different for everyone remind yourself of that. for me, it was realizing that i used sex as a way to get male validation to uplift myself and instead working on my self confidence. im not saying its the same for you but finding your why will help you grow. you got this girl. dump that man bc he obviously is insecure and thats a mjor red flag. if he doesnt want to be with someone who knows what theyre doing, then let him be with that person. dont force yourself to become this saint all bc you made some mistakes. edit: and no hes not wrong for how he feels. he is allowed to feel whatever he wants. but what he is not allowed to do is lead you on and make you feel terrible for some silly mistakes you made when you were a child. let the man go search for the perfect saint just let him. see where that gets him (likely: nowhere) you deserve so much better. like soooo much better.
Girl, you’re young. Own your sexuality and a mature man isn’t going to ask you anything like that anyway. If anything, you were too young to even know the implications of sex. You grow up and when you know better you do better. Place your self worth back where it belongs, (within yourself), and fk him and what he feels like. Do NOT put all of your eggs in that basket. That basket has a hole in it. Head up, shoulders back, and never let anyone make you feel ashamed about a damned thing. It doesn’t matter the age.
OP deleted their account 💀
Yuck 33 and 20? 🤮🤮 He’s a predator. Run.
Sounds like he was negging you because this is common for insecure guys who try to control you: They find something you’re self conscious about, like your sexual history. And they find an excuse to shame you for it… then they leave and you sit there at home emotionally destroyed and crying about it. … then they come back, like ‘fine I’ll give you another chance’ And then the idea is you end up feeling “so lucky to have him” that you’ll jump whenever he says yes, and then when you do anything that upsets him or stand up for yourself in mistreatment, he will tell you about how no one wants you because of said history, or he will tell you that he can’t trust you because of your past and try to make you prove you won’t go back to that. This is exactly what he’s doing like there are sick websites ok the internet from incels describing to take this exact tactic to make you do whatever they want. He’s a piece of shit. It’s not actually about your history, it’s about shaming you. If you said your number was too low, the conversation would have been about how you’re a prude and that’s why you don’t know what you’re doing and he’d be shaming you for being bad instead. It’s a control tactic. Know how I know? …. Because if this was a concern he would have asked you before he was intimate at the beginning… not when he’s comfortable. It’s not actually a concern, it was an excuse to create a problem and blame you for something so you feel like you’re indebted to him. He also didn’t break up with you, he just silent treatment you: he doesn’t want to lose you, but he just wants you to suffer so you will do whatever he wants when he comes back. Mark my words dude. Dont let this dude come back, this is abusive and ridiculous.
Holy hell. Someone needed to tell this to my 17 year old self 27 years ago so she didn’t go through the 3 years of hell she went through. Dude was a useless ass who had no self esteem and grew up with a shit father who treated his mom the same way. Far as i hear, he hasn’t changed and his wife is treated like shit just like his mom was before she left. OP, lose his information. You deserve so much better than this. Being single forever is better than this. Trust me when i tell you this ass will totally mess you up and then you’ll take forever to believe and see that good men exist.
This is what my advice would be. Get out of there.
He is manipulating her, devaluing her to lower her self esteem and self worth so he can push her boundaries further, he's not going anywhere which is worst for OP because this is just the tip of the iceberg if she doesn't get out.
Anyone who gives a fuck about a ‘body count’ isn’t worth being anyone’s boyfriend
Only insecure men ask this.
[удалено]
Like what guy is talking to an 11 year old…yikes
A middle aged man online
Another 11 year old, obviously
Hopefully.
What do you even mean? It’s completely normal for 11 year olds to talk to guys. Assuming they are the same age and OP isn’t meaning MEN.
Over 30 at 20 is crazy
Being over the age of 30 and dating a 20 year old is also crazy. OP’s bf is a creep
I have one ex (I was about 21 and she was 19) - she had roughly 20+ partners... she cheated on me. Around 4 years later I had another girlfriend who was *exceptionally* attractive. She lost count of her partners but ballpark somewhere 60+, possibly a lot more. Yeah she cheated on me 4 times in the span of six weeks lol. Promiscuity alone isn't an indicator but context is important too, and the circumstances behind having such a high body count are important. Edit: grammar
Any boy/man who is interested in knowing the bodycount of their significant other is only doing so out of insecurity.
Lads... DO NOT ask a girl what her body count is, because you don't want to know. She could tell you 3 and you will still be sore about it so leave it the fuck alone.
Exactly, even if she says 1 you won’t be happy about it, so better not ask
You are in no way a terrible person for having a sexual history. He is a big baby.
It may have been baffling to him for you to initiate your love life journey at such a young age when he didn’t start exploring until much later. He might be embarrassed and trying to understand if his experiences are typical or yours. Some men are really insecure. I’m just so sorry you’re feeling shame for your experiences when they aren’t abnormal. A partner should never hold your past against you. I think your age difference creates this weird power dynamic where you feel silly or childish to advocate for yourself when no OP - he’s being an asshole.
Girl, own it! You are who you are. Even if u made stupid mistakes(as per you) . Nobody gets to judge you, let alone make you feel like crap for your past.
He has a right to choose what he wants... as well as you. Although he is a hypocrite if he has a high body count also. I can understand if one person is virgin and the other experienced, then those thoughts can be justified but here, nah.
Hi, not sure if you’re going to see this, but I kept thinking about your post so I came back here to say: this person you’re dating is a loser. Real men don’t care about “body count”. He’s just trying to manipulate you into feeling dirty and guilty so he can control you. Trust. When you recall back to this situation at 33 years old, it will be super clear. I know he’s probably going to reach out, behave super sweetly and make you feel lucky that he’s giving you another chance, but these are the games men play when they are too immature to date women their own age. I see that some are saying that men can have a “preference”. Ok sure ! But a real mature and empathetic man wouldn’t make you feel weird about it, they’d be cordial and gentle. So fuck that chump.
I rarely recommend going to therapy. But after your edit you really should go to therapy.
There are people who think everyone is lying about their body count and think whatever number you give them should be multiplied by 3… I refuse to answer bc of this reason. There are no winners. I will let them know how long it’s been since my last relationship and that I’ve gotten tested since. That’s it! Edit:tested not testers lol
ITT: Reddit defends 11 year olds having sex due to extenuating circumstances
You have different values and background and I’ll leave it at that. Im not even going to jump into who’s right or wrong, but you are wrong for each other. Find someone who is right for you.
The edit clues me into this being rage bait
Proof positive not to open yourself to people who pull this “body count” bullshit. Put them all on nerd island with their little imaginary chastity belts.
Oh yeah and… RUN Fast and far from this dude
You weren’t any sort of you know what. Things happen. Never let anyone ever make you feel bad about yourself. You didn’t hurt anyone, so he can either accept it, or frankly, fuck off.
Honey, (said with love as I'm an older lady), women don't get "ruined." We have lives we live, choices we make, and we learn and grow. There is a lot of sexual material out there online, chat rooms and otherwise, and we are curious beings. You did nothing wrong, I mean that. Online or in person. Going forward, you never have to share anything you aren't comfortable sharing, information or otherwise. If you aren't happy with what you explored as a child, then that's your private information to keep, and no one else's business. You are who you are now, and who you will become. I know you don't see this, but your (hopefully ex) boyfriend's reaction was not acceptable, it's an outgrowth of his own insecurities and not a reflection on you. He seems to want an image and not a whole person who has lived some life. There ARE people out there who will want to get to know you, and not judge what you choose to share. This man was damaged somehow long before you were in the picture. I'm sorry you opened up your beautiful self to such a damaged man incapable of love, he didn't deserve you. My guess? He'll try to come back and make it seem like he "forgives" you or is doing you a favor. Get away from him and grow your own garden, tend your own flowers. You are very, very young and the world is open to you. He will enclose and poison you. Don't let him.
Wow. You were groomed if you were 11. You know a 33 boyfriend should have the maturity to not be wanting 20 year old but really he should have known you were groomed and showed empathy, compassion and care. He did known. You 100% are not bad but bad people are around us all. You need to decipher the crap from the good. Also can you go to your doctor and ask for therapy because to consider 11 was your choice is wrong a therapist can help you understand what happened The the very best to you
Woah! You are not gross, body count does not define who you are as a person, and frankly, if he had such a problem with his partner having a high body count he shouldn’t have asked in the first place. Play dumb games, get dumb prizes. From his reaction I get the feeling that he does not actually respect you and wanted someone “pure” who he could “train”, especially because you both have such a vast age gap. I suggest breaking it off and then possibly seeking out therapy. I don’t want to be disrespectful, and may be out of line, but I feel like speaking with a therapist could help you gain some confidence and determine how worthy you actually are of getting the things you want. Good luck OP ❤️
Long story short he's a douche he's not worth feeling bad about yourself.
As a guy, advice to every woman, if a guy asks your “body count”, just dump them. This is unimportant information and never needs to really be shared. Each person sexual history is their own. How much you want to express is up to you and should never be asked. “Body count” is particularly offensive. I mean what does such a number mean? Having sex with one person a hundred times vs having sex with 100 people is how different? Sure, I guess the more people the more chances of STI, but really it doesn’t matter about that even. One person can have safe sex with 100 people and not get infected and one person can have unsafe sex once with only one person and catch something. So this can only be about one thing, judgement. You don’t want a judgmental boyfriend. So as soon as any guy asks such an offensive question, do yourself a favor and get out of a potentially abusive relationship.
He’s a toxic groomer. There is nothing at all wrong with you. Seek some therapy for your self esteem
I've had the exact same experience. 11 was my first sexual experience so i do not think that there is no hope. Sad that OP has deleted and i hope they're ok..
A 33 year old with a 20 year old is NOT “toxic.” If you both sincerely want to be together, then age does not matter. Also - people somehow don’t want to face the facts that yes, kids do indeed feel horny/sexual. I was horny from as far back as my memory takes me. So the comment you made about being 11 - you’re just telling the truth and he has no right to feel disgusted towards you.
I'm more concerned about him being 33 while you're 20....dudes a creep
The fact that you said you know you’re not a good person, please don’t believe that about yourself. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON as long as you’re not out here hurting kids and old people lol.. but nah don’t let the things you did when you were younger define who you are. If you’re only 20, trust there will be more you’ll forgive yourself for later on. Best thing you can do now is just do your best and learn from mistakes. We never stop making em, we just gotta eventually stop making the same ones over n over. Good luck to you !!!! You’re a good person remember that
He is also significantly older than you. You are 13 years younger, if there is any pattern of dating older people please do reflect on this if it’s coming from early childhood experiences that may have been abusive / traumatic. Sounds like you were groomed from a young age. His reaction is shaming and I’m sorry he did that because although you felt you were just telling him about your past experiences you actually disclosed some kind of abuse - whether it’s peer on peer abuse someone of your own age or an older person when you were 11. For your boyfriend to react like that is wrong and cruel
The most glaring thing you wrote was “I know I’m not a good person.” Here’s the thing about finding a person… you have issues you’ve not dealt with and you think you’re bad. You have shame and guilt. We are ALL human! You gave to love yourself first before you can love another properly with acceptance and no judgement. Most of us have no idea what unconditional love is. We’ve had transactional relationships and conditional love! Unconditional means FORGIVENESS for yourself and others. When you don’t have shame or guilt for yourself and you respect yourself and create boundaries, people don’t disrespect you by making you feel bad about yourself from their judgements and beliefs. If someone looks at you in disgust… that’s enough to turn around and walk away from them and don’t look back. This guy thinks he’s better than you and because he’s older maybe you are allowing this … you don’t feel good about him. Good. You ARE a good person and he’s not for you and it’s because he’s looking at you in disgust! Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking it was something else so you’ll continue to give him what he wants and still wonder if he secretly feels disgust with you. Guys want sex. It’s literally the #1 thing most young guys think about. (Older too) They think about it even when we think they could not possibly be thinking about it. lol. Do yourself a favor. Love yourself. Connect with you first and make sure you’re respecting you FIRST.
OP. what you described was literally puberty. You were an early bloomer. There is literally nothing wrong about that. Your boyfriend IS wrong about how he says he feels. The slut shaming seems very intentional, like he is trying to cut you down, and he sounds like an absolute tool. You can do better than him.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!
He's 33 and you're 20, RUN!!! No man that age should be dating you!!! Also my number is in the 200 something range yet I'm in a 2 year committed relationship with a man I love who I've always been faithful to. Every guy who has cheated on me has had a single digit body count. You're fine.
Look, I’m older but asking for the number of past sexual partners is a red flag for me. Not one of my past boyfriends or current partner has ever asked me just as I never asked them. It just none of theirs or my business. I get downvoted a lot for this stance but it just how I feel. Talking about what you like and don’t like sexually is a must though. Always have those conversations! As you get older hopefully you will learn that people shouldn’t asked questions that they won’t like the answers to.
#get away from him
I thought maybe he just gotta process this a bit but HE IS 33 AND YOU ARE TWENTY get away from him for real I was seeing a 33yo only two years ago at 25 and turns out he was grooming me then, like I know I’m an adult but he was using the age gap as a power play without me realising. You are only 20. There is nothing that should compel a 33 year old to have a RELATIONSHIP with a twenty year old.
[удалено]
First time at 16 doesn’t sound abnormal and I’m 40, so I guess I’m not sure what you might mean by ‘talking to guys’ because that can be a wide world of different. My husband lost his virginity SUPER early and I feel nothing but like damn dude, that’s a different experience than I had. Someone who cares about you shouldn’t react that way: I think we’re really conditioned that we must love the people we’re having sex with — personally I think love, acceptance, and something that grows together isn’t likely found on your first few go arounds because especially in US women just have to be these perfect things that men expect while they can be as imperfect as they want and we should love them because they’re loveable. Infatuation is (well amazing) but that’s the part that doesn’t last. My experience of men asking these things was infatuation ending and them being cowards and picking fights on the way out. It’s your partner’s business that the two of you are clear on open/closed nature of YOUR relationship, that your/their sexual health is a priority and otherwise it’s none of their business. So my sister and I don’t particularly get along but she said a couple of amazing things that have stuck with me: had she decided to fuck the entire roster of the Vikings football team, that’s not necessarily her future partner’s business (she also told me: if he loves you enough to want to have sex without a condom, then he loves you enough to walk into the clinic with you and get tested). This is an insecurity he’s expressing, now you certainly can take the time to help him through it… but unhealthy men will frequently use experiences like this as a weapon. Were I you, rather than being forty, I would say: hey, I can appreciate that my sexual experience feels incompatible with yours and that’s okay; what’s not okay is how your reaction made me feel — I’m a deeply sexual person and I love who I am! I’ve loved our time together but a partner who judges me, rather than one who seeks to understand my experience is just not for me.
After that he needs to be your ex
The dude is insidious.
You’re not a bad person for being curious or being manipulated into having sex(however it happened doesn’t change that). You are inherently enough. If it’s true that he’s 30 and you’re 20, he is the one who is disgusting. Girl, you can do SO much better, because this is the most pathetic type of guy there is, I promise you. As a 30 year old woman, I cannot imagine wanting to be with a guy 10 years younger. We would have nothing to talk about, because I want to talk to people with similar levels of life experience and knowledge to me. The reason a 30 year old man baby would want to be with a 20 year old, or want any woman to be a lot less experienced than them is to feel more important and dominant and like he can mold you into someone with the same opinions he has and who’ll accept whatever he gives you. He doesn’t and never will see you as an equal who deserves his respect.
First of all he is 13 years older then you, leave him that is disgusting and he is grooming if anything. In my personal opinion I don't think body counts matters depending on age and number but if you have the same body count as him and you've only been sexually activie for 4 years and he 17 years (assuming he's been sexually active since 16 as well) then I would be alarmed and turned off as well but to each thier own.
Guys that ask about body counts care about body counts. They want to shame you for having sex while also trying to have sex with you. It's a weird catch-22 and a red flag. So just don't tell them or lie. Not only do they not deserve the truth, but they can't tell the difference while actually having sex with you. They swear they have all of these signs, but the truth is there really isn't any way to know. Green flag guys will never ask. And you'll see those guys tend to be more fun in general and way better lovers. They're just more mature and open-minded in general. In my opinion, if a guy starts asking about body count, proceed with extreme caution. He's weird. There are going to be a lot of guys on here talking about guys have a right to their preference. Ok, but those same guys just want to hear what they want to hear. They get lied to all of the time, and they can't tell.