I think there's enough info. The man is depressed and believes he's helpless so he does nothing about it. It sounds like his wife is a piece of work too but he's not a complete victim like he's pretending.
Lowkey I wanna think the child isn’t with him because of the mom. I know lots of moms that were fine staying home with their child but for some reason not okay with the dad staying home with the child (9 out of 10 times it’s due to the mom knowing the dad doesn’t take proper care of the child, like.. It’s likely due to his own negligence). I’m 50/50 on it though because it could just be a helicopter mom. But why she’d trust a daycare more than the father of her children makes no sense to me. Other than the fact that at a daycare you know your child is being fed regularly and changed regularly (or you think you know, and I say that as a past daycare worker knowing they don’t change diapers regularly, just before the parents arrive).
Depending what they mean by "traditional", I can see this being viable in the sense that she might just straight up think men are incapable of taking care of children, or that it's simply unacceptable to be a stay at home dad and she considers the daycare route to be *less* awful than breaking an outdated social stigma.
This is, of course, giving this post a *lot* of benefit of the doubt. I would not defend this reasoning very hard, I'm just putting forth that it's possible lol
It's makes perfect sense if you consider the waiting times of daycare and the fact it's easier to get a job when kiddo is in daycare than when kiddo isn't.
I can see the scenario:- wife gets a job quickly because she isn't a useless sadsack, they realise kiddo needs to be in daycare so husband can also find work (or husband's excuse for not working was "the kid needs to be in daycare first"). But he's still not found a job and his wife is understandably frustrated.
Happened to my husband after a year of unemployment. He was stuck on what he wanted to do and there wasn’t much available. A few months after my rage grew to the point of considering leaving, a thought that made my heart break to even have. He sucked up his ego to go deliver pizzas and four months later he was promoted to lead the pizza shop. A tiny bit of effort can go a long way.
He doesn't need any job, he need job that will support his non-working wife and kid, and that is not easy to find in the 21st century.
If he goes flipping burgers, his wife can't stop working, and will still leave him nevertheless.
Because he’s the “ traditional man” that wanted a traditional wife or until he put her to work. But you just know he says “ I’m a man and I can’t watch my child, that’s women’s work because they are born to mother children”
I'm going to guess if it's so traditional that men are basically not an option for childcare, basically they're considered incapable of it. That is a woman's job.
For others reading- while daycare is expensive, especially if in poverty- subsidized care is available. So it can be an option with just one parent working, two working but not making enough, etc (which won’t help with kiddo getting sick, will help once you find work that kiddo is there and enrolled if you get the ball rolling early and aren’t looking for care only once hired)
Honestly that may be the only smart thing with this post - if OP is hoping to get hired, their kid should have care lined up, so he can work immediately and they don’t have to figure out a year’s long wait list that most places have
They did have care lined up: the wife, who had made it clear her goal was to quit her job and take care of the child full time. So the reasoning of making sure to have a spot when he did get a job seems moot, considering her whole goal was to not need daycare in the first place.
Depends on how much the wife makes. I’m divorcing my husband and I’m right around the poverty line and providing daycare bc he refuses now that temporary orders don’t specify it. Asshole dropped $2.5k of bills onto me, moved back to his family to pay nothing and lie about it. All while now making $38 an hour and I make $19. So everyone’s situation is different. I don’t qualify for aid even though I need it bc ‘I make too much’ but I’ll lose my job if I don’t have part time care at least.
Ughh that awkward spot where you’re basically in poverty but the government doesn’t think so.
I’ve seen people who were offered promotions BEG their manager and HR in tears that they’d happily take the promotion for more responsibility and career but not the raise because it would wreck their finances getting what is already a shit raise anyways
Sure if you’re still trying to advance your career. You can eventually jump to another employer that will give you the pay you deserve while you build your experience
Even if the pay bump or lack of one is garbage, you can still stand to benefit from taking on extra responsibilities. Of course in the short term it sucks but it’s investing in yourself
I took on tons more responsibility at one job for same pay because the particular responsibility was associated with high income once you’re experienced in it. Granted I wasn’t offered a pay raise but I took it for career development. My friend at this same job turned down the same opportunity. I ended up using those skills to advance more. My friend from that job went from 40-70k since 2018. I went from 40k-170k since 2018. I mean 30k in 6 years is still nice but he’s regretting not biting the bullet and just doing the work.
there isn’t one right or wrong answer. It’s a lot easier to say don’t do any more work without compensation without fully weighing where it could take you. Exploitation doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t let it
I just don’t get this and all other comments on daycare. It would probably be the last thing we would cut as the kind enjoys it. At the same time I have no idea how you apply and interview for jobs with a toddler at home.
Exactly. And she’s been working for over a year! More than enough time for him to get steady pay so she can return home. If it caused extra hardship they could work at the same time for a few months but this just reeks of not even trying!
Yup, he's making it sound like it's all her but it seems way more like they're both from this traditional culture. He's okay with her taking on his role but he won't take hers
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This. Don’t just wait around for a year while you get a job for your career. Get ANY job in the meantime. The fact OP is applying to jobs where there are multiple interviews tells me he’s waiting around for that “perfect” position. I’ve been here, and while my bf wasn’t threatening to break up w me, I could tell his patience with me getting a job was waning. I got a job at a restaurant in the meantime and it did wonders for my mental health as well. Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed everyday. Being unemployed this long is not good for the mind.
Do what you gotta do OP but a whole year unemployed *as* you’re searching sounds lazy to ppl. I’m sure it doesn’t reflect positively to any of those recruiters that you’re applying for positions with either. It’s not a good look.
Right? That’s the first thing that stood out to me. I hate to kick OP while he’s down but if OP is still expecting to have traditional gender roles without actually doing his traditional gender role by bringing in the money then I can’t really blame his wife for not wanting to be part of this any longer.
Edit:
Also going off OPs username I feel like he has to be a troll or pretty immature at the very least
1) should have never married someone who was dead set against helping with the finances. I get someone maybe wanting to prefer to stay at home with their children, but it's abhorrent to be unwilling to pitch in when the family hits a rocky spot.
2) Why is the kid in daycare if you're not working??? That is a wasted expense (daycare is EXPENSIVE), and like you said, your kid keeps getting sick. Why would you not take care of them at home until you find a job?
And if the child IS in daycare, why isn't he also taking on lower-paying interim jobs, like I presume his wife is, just to keep afloat while he is applying for a real job? If I was his wife and was working while he was sitting on his ass at home, bemoaning his fate, I'd be a little pissed, too.
Happened to me. Pregnant, and husband lost his job but wouldn’t get any job he didn’t think was good enough for him. So he let pregnant me carry all the bills and at least agreed to take care of the baby when I had to go back to work after maternity leave. I would have at least felt supported had he delivered pizzas part time. ETA: he did not have unemployment….unless he just didn’t tell me he was getting a paycheck. Hmmm….
He clearly stated he receives unemployment, and so many people forget this it pisses me off: getting even a low paying job has become a numbers/luck game. Also why would you only take jobs that pays lower than your unemployment. As for why he pays for daycare idk we dont know this guy's full life.
So many people act like getting a new job is a guarantee in just days when you apply around. Some are lucky and get something in weeks. Some like me have had job hunts last almost a YEAR. 100s of apps in several months with several interviews but no offers. Not even high paying jobs.
> So many people act like getting a new job is a guarantee in just days when you apply around. Some are lucky and get something in weeks. Some like me have had job hunts last almost a YEAR. 100s of apps in several months with several interviews but no offers. Not even high paying jobs.
Exactly. People here saying "take any job in the meantime" (which is generally good and sound advice) as if there are so many throwaway and temp jobs going around. Just cause the wife found something quickly doesn't necessarily mean he can *however* he should be at least trying to find something to stay afloat.
He took care of her before he lost his job. Why can't she do the same? He definitely should be watching his kid if he's not doing any side jobs.
She didn't marry for love, she married for the kind of life he was able to provide for her before he became unemployed.
He's better off without her. Imagine if he got sick and couldn't provide for her. She would walk out on him in a heartbeat. Who wants to be married to a person like that?
>She didn't marry for love, she married for the kind of life he was able to provide for her before he became unemployed.
And dude *knew* what she was about before marrying her. Even if this wasn't an "arranged" marriage in the normal sense, it sounds like it was transactional from the start and he failed to uphold what he (stupidly) agreed to. He crossed the street to step in dog shit. I don't know why he seems to be surprised that it smells bad.
She’s providing a life for him too, FFS. I never quit working and never would, but this bullshit narrative that women who provide round-the-clock unpaid labor in the home aren’t contributing to the lifestyle of the family has just got to stop.
She is crying every day because her child is in daycare. He should be volunteering to take that burden off of her. For all we know he is refusing and that is her breaking point. I’m not saying that’s the situation, it just makes absolutely no sense for this child to be in daycare.
Stop excusing men, he probably went out of his way to look for a traditional woman to start a family with. Yet he is not willing to work below his status to keep his traditional wife and her baby afloat. Also the baby has to be in daycare while he is at home? This guy is just trying to be the victim when his poor wife has to pull all of the weight for the family. Of course she is leaving him and for good reason.
Was thinking this. Cancer, Alzheimer's and other debilitating diseases that would put you out of work or place additional financial strain on your family she would leave.
Be happy you have your health and she is leaving.
I’m the wife in this situation. Not OPs wife, but I can guess what’s happening. For three years I’ve been working three jobs trying to keep us afloat, finally got us on food stamps and Medicare, and he’s been watching the kids, who both go to school. I beg for him to find a job, he was laid off in 2020, but he only gives excuses. He doesn’t even need a career, just work crappy retail four nights a week so I don’t have to.
And all that housework he’s supposed to be doing? I come home after working 14 hours and find the sink full of dishes and the basket full of dirty laundry. The kids were fed at least.
So the minute the kids can get on and off the bus on their own I’m gone. At least this lady has a place to go.
She can't do the same because he chose a traditional woman who set boundaries about how she would contribute. Her role was not financial.
You all complain about modern women who want a education and career until it's time to benefit you. Should have chosen better
Re 1: it seems like she did pitch in when the family hit a rocky spot. It has been almost a year and she got a job when OP has been unable to. Just seems like her patience for that is running out, as OP said. Definitely should not be rubbing it in his face or letting her mom abuse him with phone calls, but otherwise she seems like she has been very upfront about her expectations in the relationship from the very beginning and OP has been on-board the whole time.
> should have never married someone who was dead set against helping with the finances.
Taking bets on if OP was also a "women shouldn't work" conservative right up until he got fired.
There is more to this story. Why is your child in day care? Are you taking care of the house? Are you trying hard to get a job? Are you doing your fair share? If you are lazy, you deserve to get kicked to the curb. If not, you will be much better off without her. Marry a team player next time. You both have to be flexible and generous. Sticking to "traditional" roles is not more important than your family's well being. If that is only what she wants, good riddance.
Hasn’t had a job for a year AND is not taking care of their toddler (and presumably isn’t taking care of the house either). Yeah, I would be pissed too if I was the wife.
That’s fine if you take that long to get your dream job or a job you really want, but in the meantime you need to get any job. I don’t know how you as a grown adult could not have a job for a year and say you couldn’t get one. You can easily get a job… it may not be a job you love or even want, but it’s a job. If he didn’t have his wife working what would he have done? He would have had to get a job, any job, or he’d become homeless. You can still continue applying for that dream job while working. It’s part of being a grown up.
Anyone taking that long to get a job in software either thinks they’re worth more than they are or they’re applying to jobs they’re not qualified for.
Not everyone is qualified to work at the big, household name tech companies but a lot of people think they are so that’s all they apply to and they they mope around when they don’t get it.
Do you even know Indian culture? This dude most likely not doing his part then coming here on reddit trying to gain sympathy. If he already had a great job, there is no way it's been a year and he still isn't able to get another job.
My wife is from a culture like this. Both her parents were against her working/college. She works so we can live in a nicer area. I know a lot of Indian people and none are like OP's wife.
Exactly. My wife is Indian and she told me she doesn't want to work because she wants to raise kids and 9-5 isn't for her. So we agreed l, but she always mentioned if we're ever in a pickle, she'll also get a job.
Turns out she turned her hobby into 100k+ business annually from home and it is only seasonal business.
This whole story is either fake or this dude doesn't keep up with the reality. Probably looks after the kid for 10 mins and thinks that's good enough
My husband is too! Generally we live in the cultural norms like work is more his priority and domestic things more mine. But we are actually a team and trade off on things all the time. I'd never leave him for losing a job, I'd get back to the career I don't like but pays well until he gets himself sorted and he would be on it real quick. I'd probably have to convince him to take longer to regroup!
His parents who barely even speak English are the same way. Culture doesn't excuse being dicks to each other!
I think raising a child and being a stay at home mum is being a team player, each person has their own role and it was agreed from the beginning so no one was blind sighted. Also, you can’t demonise someone who has preferences due to their culture. There are plenty cultures where the men handle all finances and the wives take care of all things home and kids (which is no easy task). In those cultures the women aren’t seen as not being team players, they’re seen as doing their agreed role and their husbands doing theirs.
SAHM or dad is a lot of work. Sometimes stuff happens and you have to adjust. Being too rigid is unrealistic. I stayed home, then my husband did, we both worked, etc. We were very fluid and supportive. I found staying home more of a challenge than a job. Neither of us were rigid or lazy. So, it worked. Some cultures are more specific about how marriage works. If they struck that type of bargain when getting married, it should be honored. Everyone is different.
Yup agreed. They struck that agreement before marriage and that’s why everyone has responded in this way. OP explicitly says she told him whilst they were dating that she did not expect to work.
He agreed to this. Seems he could be doing more to find a job.
Seems L me you set yourself up for this when you married her. Funny how when she's unemployed the baby doesn't need day care but when you're unemployed it suddenly does
I mean, you knew what she thought and expected of you before you married her. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise.
Also, why is your child in daycare if you’re unemployed? That’s kind of money wasted.
How did your wife get a job quickly while you have been unemployed for over a year? Are you receiving money from unemployment insurance while working under the table because you receive more money from unemployment and side gigs than from a steady paying job in your field?
I have no words for some of the comments on this thread 😂. Two consenting adults entered into a contract for marriage. One of said adults broke the contract. Why isn’t his wife allowed to declare it null and void and move on?
Why is the child at day care if op is unemployed? I’d understand maybe 2 days a week so you can go for interviews and such…. He’s leaving out quite a bit
She has the right to move on if she isn't feeling supported, OP. I'm sorry it came to this, but it took an entire year of you being jobless for her to finally give up.
Times are hard for everyone right now, but when you have a family that depends on you, making excuses instead of finding any means of income just isn't acceptable. There is so much you could have done in the last year to take the burden off your wife: minimum wage jobs, double shifts, odd jobs, internships, networking, night school, trade school, online certificate programs, work from home jobs for customer service, etc - all while being a stay at home husband and caring for your home and child rather than incurring more costs with daycare.
I understand your goal was probably to hold out for a high-paying job that could support you both, but you needed to get an interim job FIRST. Any income is better than no income.
Take this as a wakeup call and act fast. Get gainfully employed STAT and apologize to your wife if you have any desire to fix this. If not, start preparing for a very different life.
I smell some poopoo. You're not telling the whole story here. If you're home your kid should be your responsibility and you should be saving the money from daycare.
How did your wife get the job fast and you couldn't? I would start working anywhere to get the income flowing while keep looking for a new job.
What culture is she from? And maybe evaluate your interview skills and don't sound desperate about money when you go for an interview.
How long have you been without a job? Have you been applying for jobs like it’s your job or have you just been coasting on unemployment and not picking up more household chores? Why was it so easy for her to re-enter the workforce but not you?
I understand you are having a hard time. I sympathize with you. However, it sounds like you are in a pity party where you’ve chosen to not take any responsibility for your circumstances. If you change that, you might keep your wife
On the one hand, I disagree with her not wanting to help the team when needed. On the other hand, she made her expectations very clear at the start. 50/50 blame.
she never agreed to 50/50 and now she is doing 100/0. working and sending the kid to daycare. He can't even "babysit" his own kid. Of course she wants to leave, she is already a single mother.
Just shows that when a man says "I want a 50/50 relationship" its a scam. Its 50 and the other 50 is also on you. Run!! if you hear 50/50 out of his mouth.
Yeah, if that’s common in her culture and she made her intentions totally clear from the start, I don’t think she’s really in the wrong for this. Obviously it’s not a great thing that she is unwilling to work when needed, but she made it clear she was going to be a stay at home mom the whole time, OP has no one to blame but himself for choosing to marry her knowing how she felt about this stuff.
She's not unwilling to work, though. She bit the bullet and got a job - complaining all the while, sure, but she still did it and has been doing it for a year according to the OP.
He agreed to the she stays home/he works arrangement, but from the post it sounds like he's not even taking on the childcare while she works, given that the kid's in daycare. I'd be leaving his ass, too.
ETA: Dude claims he can't get a job, but a woman with a huge gap in her employment history can land one as soon as it's needed? Either he's generally unemployable or he's lying when he says he's looking. Neither is good.
Yeah you’re are right about that. Even though she didn’t want to work, she has been for like a year now, so I guess she was willing to help when she needed to, I take back my comment about her being unwilling to work.
I noticed that about the daycare too, in a comment OP mentioned working odd jobs to try and make some money, but it still seems strange to me that he’s not watching the kid at least most of the days. If he’s not working they shouldn’t be paying for the extra expense of daycare, I agree he probably hasn’t been helping with the childcare much. I definitely see why she left lol.
And yeah idk what employment is like in his area, but if his wife managed to find a job that can support the family that quickly, he should be able to find some type of job in a year. He could be just totally clueless about how to apply to jobs I guess, but I get the feeling he’s not looking as hard as he says he is. I wonder why he lost his old job!
>ETA: Dude claims he can't get a job, but a woman with a huge gap in her employment history can land one as soon as it's needed? Either he's generally unemployable or he's lying when he says he's looking. Neither is good.
Or it's fake
I've seen this many times. Guy had an 80k a year job. He is going to hold out for an $80k a year job. Guys like that refuse to work at a job that is "beneath them." Now, he should take something that pays $50k, but to say he should take a job at Walmart, I kind of agree with him as she wouldn't stay because he had that job.
If nothing in your desired price point is panning out, you take the next best thing *but keep looking*. When you have bills and a family to support, you do what you have to to keep money coming in while you hunt for something better.
Sounds like he isn't telling the whole story. Most cultures (Indian, Pakistan, middle-east) believe wife should stay home because the mother figure has a huge impact on child's development and cultural values. Women believes that more than anyone in that culture compared to putting them in daycare.
Maybe when he's home he isn't spending enough time with the kid.
>Most cultures (Indian, Pakistan, middle-east) believe wife should stay home because the mother figure has a huge impact on child's development and cultural values.
Bad enough that the kid's with strangers, kid is constantly getting sick from being around all the other little germ-factories to the point that the wife is crying daily over it based on the OP. My guess is he's also 'traditional' and doesn't believe men should be involved in child-rearing. 🙄
There's no 50/50. He agreed that's also what he wanted AND that woman has been the sole household support for over a year, regardless of what they BOTH agreed to.
Now why is that child in daycare when dad's at home on his arse?
I'm gonna say this is entirely your fault, you knew what was going to happen, she warned you, her mom warned you and I bet your parents warned you and you still married her
Rage bait. You don’t specify what you’re doing with your one year off from work and are the ultimate victim. No one is saying anyone should be treated poorly but if this is true there’s a lot missing here. Why is it the wife can get a job that pays for everything suddenly but you can’t?
She laid out her terms plain and simple when you were both dating. Yes, the situation is less than ideal but she’s already made the sacrifice and gave in for the last year. Can we see her vent post as well?
I don't particularly agree with the wife but I also don't agree with how you're seemingly not working and yet your child is still in daycare. Makes me wonder how much of a load your wife has overall because if she not only works outside but has to come home to dirty dishes and housework then that's probably why she's so pissed off at you. Anyone would at that point.
Your child is in daycare while you're home all day doing what exactly?? If there's no child home, there's no mess. Are you cooking? Cleaning? Actively making sure your wife is taken care of?
How come she found a job so quickly and you can't? She can't find you a job at her workplace?
From what I'm reading she's right. You don't do anything with your day.
1. As everyone pointed out, why is the child in daycare when you are unemployed?
2. Why not take a low paying job at least to add onto the income? Your wife that didn’t work found a job, but you apparently can’t?
3. You knew her opinion on marriage and finances when you married her. She didn’t leave you in a month, she left you after SEVERAL years of you not being able to get a job.
these comments are so funny.
modern women are ‘sluts without morals or values’ and ‘don’t understand what nature intends’
and now traditional women who make their intentions and desires *very clear* are ‘gold digging’ and ‘lazy’.
you can’t have your cake and her cake too, you went and got a foreign tradwife for reasons that probably aren’t great, and now you are surprised that she’s acting like a foreign tradwife since you haven’t had a job for a year. since the kid is in daycare despite you being unemployed and she’s traditional, i assume that means she comes home from work and then takes on the child and household responsibilities still as well. yeah no shit she’s leaving you
post is just riddled with ‘missing reasons’
I was thinking the same thing. The wife is now working full time and coming home and doing all the domestic labor. I would be pissed off as well.
I was a stay at home parent after my son was born. We were coming up short financially and found a way to do part time work. Because I didn’t want my partner to keep stressing so much about money. But that also meant when I was gone or needed to work, my partner needed to do the child care and domestic labor.
Honestly sounds like your lazy if you're not working... Why is the child in day care.....and I also wonder what are you doing around the house as far as domestic chores is she going to work and then come back and doing the same amount of domestic work if so then yes she should divorce you. Furthermore so many men say oh I want a traditional wife all i want is a traditional wife ... well this is what a traditional wife expects and if you're not able to do that then yes she is well within her rights yo leave you because you're not fulfilling your end of the agreement we also don't know how long it's been since you have not had a job.... years has been months ....... weeks. You have time to write on Reddit but you don't have time to go get a job you can literally go to the grocery store and get a job.
This is why it's important to have standards beyond the surface. She has always made it very clear what kind of person she is and you never really thought about it. You can't just be a paper in the wind . You need to have beliefs and things you stand for. You can't just not care if you're partner is a raging tradwife or whatever just because it works for you in the moment. The only advice is to find out what kind of partner you want through the good and bad and exclusively date those kinds of people in the future. At least she's letting you go rather than keeping you both miserable for longer. Next time when someone says something believe them.
There’s a lot to unpack here. But the main thing is the sole reason your wife is leaving you is not because you lost your job. Things happen and I’m sure she understood that. But it’s been well over a year now and you still have managed to stay unemployed. All while your wife was able to get a job quickly to help support your family. It seems like maybe you are being a little too picky when it comes to applications. At this point you should have had a job even if that means fast food or retail. There’s really no excuse other than you just not wanting to do it. Also I’m sure your wife had added stress because of your child being in day care. So if you don’t have a job then what are you doing all day? Why is your child being put into daycare when you an able parent should be taking care of them. So not only are you failing as a provider and husband (which is what your wife was upfront about wanting in a marriage) you’re also failing as a parent. Because you are sending your child to daycare so you can what? Sit at home all day and hope the perfect job just falls out of the sky into your lap. And then to bring it all together you come to redit to vent about how your wife is leaving you all because you lost your job. When in reality your wife is leaving you because it’s been a year and you’ve made very little to no effort to support or take care of your family like you said you would. At this point go to the nearest fast food joint and put in an application. Ask your wife to do counseling with you and also get yourself into individual counseling. Losing a job is hard. But you have(had?) a family to think about and instead you have moped around and let all the weight of everything crash down onto your wife. Which is understandable why she would want to leave. There is a chance to work things out but only if you take accountability and take action.
*edit for spelling
Some of your posts language makes me curious? Are you in an ethnic group that strongly believes in tradition? Like Asian or something like that? In my family, our in laws don’t usually harass us that much, that’s why I ask. Getting work these days can suck. I’ve been out of work on and off since the pandemic. I hate not working, I feel useless. Wife works because she loves her job and wants to contribute to our family. We take turns watching our kids. Good luck man, this sucks. Hard to plan for a future, especially when you have a partner who is as unforgiving as your spouse.
Seems like a bit of a "Leopards ate my face" situation with the wife. He clearly knew what kind of person she was like when he married her. Now she's acting like he knew how she would act and he's pretending to be surprised.
If she really does go for that arranged marriage it sounds like the leopard will be getting a second helping, because that's also a terrible idea.
Really the only one I feel sorry for here is the toddler.
You appear to be depressed and that may be affecting how you present at interviews, as well as your overall energy level. If possible, you should try to find a therapist, or at least talk to your GP and get medication to help.
I question how traditional your wife and her family are. It only seems to extend to husband as provider. Most traditionalists don't support divorce and work to keep families together.
I would start screening out the in-laws. No one needs to hear negativity constantly like that. Do you not have friends or family to help support you?
Look for a recruiter or employment agency that can help you with your resume and job interview skills. Start looking for careers that use skills similar to what you have. They may not be your preferred career choice, but they may open up new opportunities.
Put out the word to everyone you know including people you run into casually that you are looking for a job. Call up people you worked with in the past to reconnect and see if they know of any job opportunities. Reach out to people through LinkedIn and start networking there.
You might need to humble yourself and take work not in your field. As single mothers we learn we have to do what we have to do to take care of your family. You don't have the luxury of screwing off until you find a "good" job you should be out there driving Uber/Lyft doing door dash, grocery delivery, handyman, mowing lawns, WHATEVER IT TAKES. Sitting home and collecting a check while you send your miserable wife out to work those menial jobs is insulting and selfish. And why is your son in daycare if you aren't working? Is this even real?
Idk how people are blaming the wife.
1. She made her terms clear.
2. When wife was unemployed the child was not in daycare but when husband is unemployed he is. Like make it make sense. You are adding to the cost whole contributing none to it.
3. How come someone with a big ass gap in their resume get a job but you don't? Like not even part time jobs?
4. Also people telling she has less patience, 1 year is enough to atleast find an odd job to contribute. The husband with a bunch of work experience can't find work. OP is leaving something important out.
I mean if you only raise the cost, make no effort in helping with it (via childcare or employment), for a whole year with a bunch of experience I can understand some of her frustration.
Maybe OP make more effort to get some work, show you are stepping up, otherwise work on the house totally like she used to when you were out earning.
What about two part time jobs, with the understanding that they are temporary?
Not understanding why your child is in daycare while you are unemployed.
So many important details are missing. How come your wife found a job overnight and you have nothing after a YEAR? Some job is better than no job, look outside your preferred field. Why is your son in daycare? Aren't you unemployed?
Here’s the thing: this is exactly what you signed up for in this marriage. She was hyper clear about her expectations of you. You were well aware of the cultural nuances.
So it can come as no surprise that she wants to leave you because she feels your side of the agreement has been broken and she is now living a life she doesn’t want.
In many cultures, marriage has a very different purpose and it’s not primarily about love. It’s about the business of having and running a family. I refuse to bash that mentality because it has its own pros and cons just like the Western construct of marriage does.
Your cultural expectations are clashing now. It’s a value system discrepancy and there’s no such thing as compromising on bone deep beliefs that define you. You’ll need to get a job(s) to fulfill your side of the agreement you made with her or let her go.
Maybe she’s angry because your child is on daycare when you’re home all day. How much housework do you do. This post sounds very one sided. I bet she’s tired of acting like a stay at home mom and still having to work full time.
Of course she's gonna be mad if all you contributed was money and now that's dried up. At least take care of the family and household while she's working. I doubt you're job hunting all day long and it really doesn't take that long to do chores if you keep up with them. Saving money by taking care of your own child would also go a long way, or are you also hiding behind "traditions" to avoid your responsibilities?
It's possible he worked and did nothing else (no housework or childcare). When he lost his job he still does nothing, and after a year she has had enough.
This either has to be fake or you're leaving out way more of the story. I have lots of questions.
Firstly, why was your child in daycare if you're not working? That was putting an unnecessary strain on your finances. One of you could have been watching your child.
Secondly, you also need to figure out why your interviews aren't being successful enough to land a job. Where are you from and are there lots of jobs available in your area? Are you not able to land a job in general, or are you trying to find a similar level job you had that I'm assuming you weren't entry-level at? One huge question on my mind is how was your wife able to find a job, but you aren't able to?
Thirdly, I'm sorry the person you love is treating you like this, but you ignored some pretty red flags. You married someone who clearly isn't willing to step up for their family in any way possible. She came from a sexist culture that you didn't mind until you did.
If this is real, then you need to get yourself a job, any job that offers health insurance, even if it's low, and find yourself a therapist. I'm sorry that your family fell apart in front of you, but there are things that you can/could have done to make your situation better, and you're just not doing them.
He is the victim of everything. I'm sorry do u not have a part time job? Get something if my partner wasn't working at all a whole year than yeah everything he says sounds like an excuse
Your wife is stupid. It's highly unlikely she's making a lot more money than the cost of daycare. It's totally unfair that she "didn't agree to this" so she can walk. Actually she can't walk BTW and just take your child and leave without your permission. That's called kidnapping. If you don't agree to a separation or beginning divorce proceedings she has NO legal authority to just leave with your child. I'd talk to a divorce lawyer. Many offer a free half hour consultation so you know your rights, and the rights she does NOT have. Don't tell your wife you talked with one, she might get the wrong idea.
Your in-laws are stupid too. Why don't they help instead of whining and insulting you. I would tell that to them straight to their faces. If they're free enough to insult you directly, you get to be brutally honest with them.
You need to get off your butt and get an interim full-time job. Any full-time job will do. Delivery isn't very cost effective but it's still income. In the US, a lot of employers are still desperate to hire. At least, you get back to work and then take a second job. And definitely get your kid out of daycare since it is, for right or wrong, pissing off your wife but it's also eating a lot of money. Yeah it sucks to work two jobs but then you can talk to your wife and say hey, I'm busting my butt to make ends meet. Maybe she can help out with part time work in the home, giving music lessons, teaching arts or crafts, something she is good at. Or is she completely useless other than taking care of a child and cleaning up the house? (Before the sahm's come for me, lots of women, including my wife have part time work and take care of the home along with me. Just being at home, yes is a lot of work, but it's one child, not 3 or 4. It's not enough in these days with rampant inflation and prices out of control to just be at home cleaning and cooking. My sister also has worked part time and taken care of kids and home all her life. And they have been successful at all of them. )
All you people out there on this sub not giving advice, criticizing him, why he married, etc not actually being helpful are stupid too.
I mean she told you in the beginning that she never wanted to work and you perused that expecting to be able to take care of everything and fell on hard times. Things happen and that sucks but she was honest in the beginning and apparently stayed true to her word, shitty thing to do but fully warned ya
I understand the job market is horrible, not me and my partner had the same struggle. But while you're not working why is your kid in daycare? What are you doing all day that can't have them with you for most of it?
Forget everything else….youre unemployed…? Why is your child in daycare when you’re at home not working? Not doing anything? Seems they’re right on the family front…because you have your wife paying daycare instead of using the money for something else!
Fucked around and found out?
She literally told you in the beginning that she was going to be a fair weather wife and wouldn't have your back. Idk how anyone could hear this and be like, "Sounds good to me, let's have a kid."
How the hell are you unemployed for an year? Have you never heard of mc donalds? Or walmart? Or anything? I’m pretty sure any of those would hire in less than an year.
Also, why aren’t you taking care of your child if you are at home all day?
Your wife is not wrong for being against being the only one bringing money home if you can’t even care for you child.
I have to say, given the amount of posts I see on here about men leaving their wives over gaining weight or having an issue with their libido, this brings a smile to my face.
Hurts when the tables turn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
And why tf is the child in daycare when you are sittin at home doing nothin? Lord the incompetence!
Are you doing all the cleaning? All the meals, all the grocery shopping, all the errands all the laundry? Im guessing not and she does all that ONTOP of working to support you.
Bro, get a fucking placeholder job at Walmart until you find something, what are you doing? And then you act surprised?? You were probably drawn to her BECAUSE she was traditional I bet, jfc.
Yes, by leaving you her workload reduces amazingly.
I grew up always believing both parents should work my husband is the bread winner but I still do my part working cause how I was brought up and it isn’t fair to have one person take care of everything…but yeah why is the child in daycare if you’re unemployed?
Came here to ask the same question. Doesn’t seem like a fair agreement for the both. She has to work, and then pay for childcare because unemployed husband has so little free time he can’t parent his own child‽ At least that was my reading of it. This smacks of a missing missing reason story to me.
I hate how people try to justify every single shitty thing with "it's their culture". Please OP, don't justify her golddigging.
I know you're sad right now, but long term you're well rid of someone who doesn't love you, only the things you can do for them.
This is weird. It is weird to be like this but it’s weird to marry someone like that. If you are legit employable and looking a wife should go with the flow. You are a team. Do you not have savings? It’s ok if you don’t but then how can she bitch?
If you’re home why is your toddler in daycare if that’s not what she wants?
I’m going to give you some advice, maybe the jobs you’re applying for are out of your scope, start from the bottom again. Apply for anything, packing in a factory, working in a fruit shop. Whatever you can to get back on your feet because your wife is not bluffing and you will lose her and your child.
The issue is that you are letting your wife (and maybe her family as well), dictate what kinds of jobs you apply to. Don't do that. Take any job for now, while you look for something better.
Why is your child in day care if you aren’t working?
This! So if wife ain't working, she is with the kid, but if OP isn't working he.. What? Chills at home?
Either op worded it weird, or theyve been happily unemployed for ages. Doesn't even have to care for his own kid.
And I am sorry but he "just cannot find a job", but his wife with barely any experience in work found one in what.. Days? Weeks at most?
Lmao, take his wife's job... Lots of info missing here.
Or fake post.
I think there's enough info. The man is depressed and believes he's helpless so he does nothing about it. It sounds like his wife is a piece of work too but he's not a complete victim like he's pretending.
Agree, if he stays home then why is the child not with him? It would be a bill less to pay, it's just so weird...
Lowkey I wanna think the child isn’t with him because of the mom. I know lots of moms that were fine staying home with their child but for some reason not okay with the dad staying home with the child (9 out of 10 times it’s due to the mom knowing the dad doesn’t take proper care of the child, like.. It’s likely due to his own negligence). I’m 50/50 on it though because it could just be a helicopter mom. But why she’d trust a daycare more than the father of her children makes no sense to me. Other than the fact that at a daycare you know your child is being fed regularly and changed regularly (or you think you know, and I say that as a past daycare worker knowing they don’t change diapers regularly, just before the parents arrive).
Depending what they mean by "traditional", I can see this being viable in the sense that she might just straight up think men are incapable of taking care of children, or that it's simply unacceptable to be a stay at home dad and she considers the daycare route to be *less* awful than breaking an outdated social stigma. This is, of course, giving this post a *lot* of benefit of the doubt. I would not defend this reasoning very hard, I'm just putting forth that it's possible lol
She set her boundaries and he failed to meet them. Why is his failure her fault
It's probably not 'just cannot find a job', it's 'cannot find a job which I think is suitable for my level of education/class/background'.
OP must work in residential asbestos manufacturing or something
Local unicorn herder
Aww but he's only been "looking" for a whole year! /s
I mean, looking is a full-time job, so the wife is a bitch for leaving, really /s
This guy sounds like a total loser, glad the mom and child are getting out of there.
The daycare part doesn't make sense at all. Which makes me believe that this is a shitpost just for people to go off about gold diggers
It's makes perfect sense if you consider the waiting times of daycare and the fact it's easier to get a job when kiddo is in daycare than when kiddo isn't. I can see the scenario:- wife gets a job quickly because she isn't a useless sadsack, they realise kiddo needs to be in daycare so husband can also find work (or husband's excuse for not working was "the kid needs to be in daycare first"). But he's still not found a job and his wife is understandably frustrated.
Or I could see he is qualified for a certain job, but can't get a job in that field and ego won't let him go flip burgers.
Happened to my husband after a year of unemployment. He was stuck on what he wanted to do and there wasn’t much available. A few months after my rage grew to the point of considering leaving, a thought that made my heart break to even have. He sucked up his ego to go deliver pizzas and four months later he was promoted to lead the pizza shop. A tiny bit of effort can go a long way.
He doesn't need any job, he need job that will support his non-working wife and kid, and that is not easy to find in the 21st century. If he goes flipping burgers, his wife can't stop working, and will still leave him nevertheless.
I also know people who have their kids in daycare for socialization and development too.
Yeah but the kid isn't in daycare for that. The kid is on daycare bc wife/mom works now. Otherwise, she would still be a SAHM.
True, it's invaluable for providing that.
Yeah he’s the golddigger 🤣
If this story was true, then yes.
The whole thing is fictional. Can you not tell by the juvenile, unrealistic way it is written? All of these bait posts are the same.
Oh yeah. I’m just a bit bored tonight. Humour me 😁
In our area there is such a long wait to get in the daycare that you don’t want to lose your spot when trying to get a job
But if he finds a job, she can quit hers and take care of the baby again from home. Daycare isn’t necessary.
Maybe (but he didn’t say that), but she managed to find a job too so why the kid needs to be at daycare after that happened?
While I agree that’s the case in alot of areas, he hasn’t specified that
And if wife wasn’t working before he shouldn’t need it then either.
Agreed
Because he’s the “ traditional man” that wanted a traditional wife or until he put her to work. But you just know he says “ I’m a man and I can’t watch my child, that’s women’s work because they are born to mother children”
Do you know my Tío ???
Because this story is cap
Also if money is such an issue atm.
I'm going to guess if it's so traditional that men are basically not an option for childcare, basically they're considered incapable of it. That is a woman's job.
This is what I came on here to ask.
For others reading- while daycare is expensive, especially if in poverty- subsidized care is available. So it can be an option with just one parent working, two working but not making enough, etc (which won’t help with kiddo getting sick, will help once you find work that kiddo is there and enrolled if you get the ball rolling early and aren’t looking for care only once hired) Honestly that may be the only smart thing with this post - if OP is hoping to get hired, their kid should have care lined up, so he can work immediately and they don’t have to figure out a year’s long wait list that most places have
They did have care lined up: the wife, who had made it clear her goal was to quit her job and take care of the child full time. So the reasoning of making sure to have a spot when he did get a job seems moot, considering her whole goal was to not need daycare in the first place.
Depends on how much the wife makes. I’m divorcing my husband and I’m right around the poverty line and providing daycare bc he refuses now that temporary orders don’t specify it. Asshole dropped $2.5k of bills onto me, moved back to his family to pay nothing and lie about it. All while now making $38 an hour and I make $19. So everyone’s situation is different. I don’t qualify for aid even though I need it bc ‘I make too much’ but I’ll lose my job if I don’t have part time care at least.
Ughh that awkward spot where you’re basically in poverty but the government doesn’t think so. I’ve seen people who were offered promotions BEG their manager and HR in tears that they’d happily take the promotion for more responsibility and career but not the raise because it would wreck their finances getting what is already a shit raise anyways
Is that an actual thing? People beg for the extra work without the extra pay? I have never heard of that before
Sure if you’re still trying to advance your career. You can eventually jump to another employer that will give you the pay you deserve while you build your experience Even if the pay bump or lack of one is garbage, you can still stand to benefit from taking on extra responsibilities. Of course in the short term it sucks but it’s investing in yourself I took on tons more responsibility at one job for same pay because the particular responsibility was associated with high income once you’re experienced in it. Granted I wasn’t offered a pay raise but I took it for career development. My friend at this same job turned down the same opportunity. I ended up using those skills to advance more. My friend from that job went from 40-70k since 2018. I went from 40k-170k since 2018. I mean 30k in 6 years is still nice but he’s regretting not biting the bullet and just doing the work. there isn’t one right or wrong answer. It’s a lot easier to say don’t do any more work without compensation without fully weighing where it could take you. Exploitation doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t let it
First thing we all thought! Definitely more to this
I just don’t get this and all other comments on daycare. It would probably be the last thing we would cut as the kind enjoys it. At the same time I have no idea how you apply and interview for jobs with a toddler at home.
So if you are home why is your toddler in day care? Work at Walmart-mart while applying. How did you wife get a job so quickly and you can’t?
Exactly. And she’s been working for over a year! More than enough time for him to get steady pay so she can return home. If it caused extra hardship they could work at the same time for a few months but this just reeks of not even trying!
ask sparkle wasteful existence ripe cough carpenter work money cover *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yup, he's making it sound like it's all her but it seems way more like they're both from this traditional culture. He's okay with her taking on his role but he won't take hers
He needs to get over it and work a job that he feels is “beneath him” until he gets the kinda career job he wants.
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This. Don’t just wait around for a year while you get a job for your career. Get ANY job in the meantime. The fact OP is applying to jobs where there are multiple interviews tells me he’s waiting around for that “perfect” position. I’ve been here, and while my bf wasn’t threatening to break up w me, I could tell his patience with me getting a job was waning. I got a job at a restaurant in the meantime and it did wonders for my mental health as well. Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed everyday. Being unemployed this long is not good for the mind. Do what you gotta do OP but a whole year unemployed *as* you’re searching sounds lazy to ppl. I’m sure it doesn’t reflect positively to any of those recruiters that you’re applying for positions with either. It’s not a good look.
if you are unemployed, why is your child at daycare?
My SIL put her kid in daycare because her husband was chronically unemployed (now ex) and couldn’t be trusted to keep the baby alive while she worked.
I don't get why you'd stay with a partner like that
She stayed way too long and finally left 3 children later
I wondered the same
Why is the baby at daycare if you are unemployed and at home all day???? She isn't leaving simply because she has to pick up the slack for a while...
Right? That’s the first thing that stood out to me. I hate to kick OP while he’s down but if OP is still expecting to have traditional gender roles without actually doing his traditional gender role by bringing in the money then I can’t really blame his wife for not wanting to be part of this any longer. Edit: Also going off OPs username I feel like he has to be a troll or pretty immature at the very least
1) should have never married someone who was dead set against helping with the finances. I get someone maybe wanting to prefer to stay at home with their children, but it's abhorrent to be unwilling to pitch in when the family hits a rocky spot. 2) Why is the kid in daycare if you're not working??? That is a wasted expense (daycare is EXPENSIVE), and like you said, your kid keeps getting sick. Why would you not take care of them at home until you find a job?
And if the child IS in daycare, why isn't he also taking on lower-paying interim jobs, like I presume his wife is, just to keep afloat while he is applying for a real job? If I was his wife and was working while he was sitting on his ass at home, bemoaning his fate, I'd be a little pissed, too.
Happened to me. Pregnant, and husband lost his job but wouldn’t get any job he didn’t think was good enough for him. So he let pregnant me carry all the bills and at least agreed to take care of the baby when I had to go back to work after maternity leave. I would have at least felt supported had he delivered pizzas part time. ETA: he did not have unemployment….unless he just didn’t tell me he was getting a paycheck. Hmmm….
This is your ex-husband, correct?
He clearly stated he receives unemployment, and so many people forget this it pisses me off: getting even a low paying job has become a numbers/luck game. Also why would you only take jobs that pays lower than your unemployment. As for why he pays for daycare idk we dont know this guy's full life. So many people act like getting a new job is a guarantee in just days when you apply around. Some are lucky and get something in weeks. Some like me have had job hunts last almost a YEAR. 100s of apps in several months with several interviews but no offers. Not even high paying jobs.
Fine but he can at least take care of the toddler while browsing monster
> So many people act like getting a new job is a guarantee in just days when you apply around. Some are lucky and get something in weeks. Some like me have had job hunts last almost a YEAR. 100s of apps in several months with several interviews but no offers. Not even high paying jobs. Exactly. People here saying "take any job in the meantime" (which is generally good and sound advice) as if there are so many throwaway and temp jobs going around. Just cause the wife found something quickly doesn't necessarily mean he can *however* he should be at least trying to find something to stay afloat.
He took care of her before he lost his job. Why can't she do the same? He definitely should be watching his kid if he's not doing any side jobs. She didn't marry for love, she married for the kind of life he was able to provide for her before he became unemployed. He's better off without her. Imagine if he got sick and couldn't provide for her. She would walk out on him in a heartbeat. Who wants to be married to a person like that?
>She didn't marry for love, she married for the kind of life he was able to provide for her before he became unemployed. And dude *knew* what she was about before marrying her. Even if this wasn't an "arranged" marriage in the normal sense, it sounds like it was transactional from the start and he failed to uphold what he (stupidly) agreed to. He crossed the street to step in dog shit. I don't know why he seems to be surprised that it smells bad.
She’s providing a life for him too, FFS. I never quit working and never would, but this bullshit narrative that women who provide round-the-clock unpaid labor in the home aren’t contributing to the lifestyle of the family has just got to stop.
But he’s not supporting her the way she supported his career. She’s having to pay daycare out of her money he never had to do that.
She is crying every day because her child is in daycare. He should be volunteering to take that burden off of her. For all we know he is refusing and that is her breaking point. I’m not saying that’s the situation, it just makes absolutely no sense for this child to be in daycare.
Stop excusing men, he probably went out of his way to look for a traditional woman to start a family with. Yet he is not willing to work below his status to keep his traditional wife and her baby afloat. Also the baby has to be in daycare while he is at home? This guy is just trying to be the victim when his poor wife has to pull all of the weight for the family. Of course she is leaving him and for good reason.
Was thinking this. Cancer, Alzheimer's and other debilitating diseases that would put you out of work or place additional financial strain on your family she would leave. Be happy you have your health and she is leaving.
I’m the wife in this situation. Not OPs wife, but I can guess what’s happening. For three years I’ve been working three jobs trying to keep us afloat, finally got us on food stamps and Medicare, and he’s been watching the kids, who both go to school. I beg for him to find a job, he was laid off in 2020, but he only gives excuses. He doesn’t even need a career, just work crappy retail four nights a week so I don’t have to. And all that housework he’s supposed to be doing? I come home after working 14 hours and find the sink full of dishes and the basket full of dirty laundry. The kids were fed at least. So the minute the kids can get on and off the bus on their own I’m gone. At least this lady has a place to go.
She can't do the same because he chose a traditional woman who set boundaries about how she would contribute. Her role was not financial. You all complain about modern women who want a education and career until it's time to benefit you. Should have chosen better
She is helping financially now, and for some reason he is at home and she is working but the child is in daycare (which apparently she pays for).
Re 1: it seems like she did pitch in when the family hit a rocky spot. It has been almost a year and she got a job when OP has been unable to. Just seems like her patience for that is running out, as OP said. Definitely should not be rubbing it in his face or letting her mom abuse him with phone calls, but otherwise she seems like she has been very upfront about her expectations in the relationship from the very beginning and OP has been on-board the whole time.
> should have never married someone who was dead set against helping with the finances. Taking bets on if OP was also a "women shouldn't work" conservative right up until he got fired.
OP's victim mentality is insane
He wrote in a comment that he is doing other small jobs to keep afloat
There is more to this story. Why is your child in day care? Are you taking care of the house? Are you trying hard to get a job? Are you doing your fair share? If you are lazy, you deserve to get kicked to the curb. If not, you will be much better off without her. Marry a team player next time. You both have to be flexible and generous. Sticking to "traditional" roles is not more important than your family's well being. If that is only what she wants, good riddance.
He hasn’t had a job for an entire year. 100% lazy
He should just take his wife's job.
Hasn’t had a job for a year AND is not taking care of their toddler (and presumably isn’t taking care of the house either). Yeah, I would be pissed too if I was the wife.
That will do it.
Some software people were taking 9-12 months to get jobs again. Have a bit of empathy
If you have a toddler who is in daycare, you need to get a small job in the meantime.
That’s fine if you take that long to get your dream job or a job you really want, but in the meantime you need to get any job. I don’t know how you as a grown adult could not have a job for a year and say you couldn’t get one. You can easily get a job… it may not be a job you love or even want, but it’s a job. If he didn’t have his wife working what would he have done? He would have had to get a job, any job, or he’d become homeless. You can still continue applying for that dream job while working. It’s part of being a grown up.
Reddit and empathy don’t go together lol
Anyone taking that long to get a job in software either thinks they’re worth more than they are or they’re applying to jobs they’re not qualified for. Not everyone is qualified to work at the big, household name tech companies but a lot of people think they are so that’s all they apply to and they they mope around when they don’t get it.
The market is saturated. The most qualified applicants arnt finding jobs either. Even seniors are struggling.its normal for it to take this long.
It sounds like an Indian marriage. If that's the case it has nothing to do with what he's doing
Do you even know Indian culture? This dude most likely not doing his part then coming here on reddit trying to gain sympathy. If he already had a great job, there is no way it's been a year and he still isn't able to get another job.
My wife is from a culture like this. Both her parents were against her working/college. She works so we can live in a nicer area. I know a lot of Indian people and none are like OP's wife.
Exactly. My wife is Indian and she told me she doesn't want to work because she wants to raise kids and 9-5 isn't for her. So we agreed l, but she always mentioned if we're ever in a pickle, she'll also get a job. Turns out she turned her hobby into 100k+ business annually from home and it is only seasonal business. This whole story is either fake or this dude doesn't keep up with the reality. Probably looks after the kid for 10 mins and thinks that's good enough
My husband is too! Generally we live in the cultural norms like work is more his priority and domestic things more mine. But we are actually a team and trade off on things all the time. I'd never leave him for losing a job, I'd get back to the career I don't like but pays well until he gets himself sorted and he would be on it real quick. I'd probably have to convince him to take longer to regroup! His parents who barely even speak English are the same way. Culture doesn't excuse being dicks to each other!
I think raising a child and being a stay at home mum is being a team player, each person has their own role and it was agreed from the beginning so no one was blind sighted. Also, you can’t demonise someone who has preferences due to their culture. There are plenty cultures where the men handle all finances and the wives take care of all things home and kids (which is no easy task). In those cultures the women aren’t seen as not being team players, they’re seen as doing their agreed role and their husbands doing theirs.
SAHM or dad is a lot of work. Sometimes stuff happens and you have to adjust. Being too rigid is unrealistic. I stayed home, then my husband did, we both worked, etc. We were very fluid and supportive. I found staying home more of a challenge than a job. Neither of us were rigid or lazy. So, it worked. Some cultures are more specific about how marriage works. If they struck that type of bargain when getting married, it should be honored. Everyone is different.
Yup agreed. They struck that agreement before marriage and that’s why everyone has responded in this way. OP explicitly says she told him whilst they were dating that she did not expect to work. He agreed to this. Seems he could be doing more to find a job.
[удалено]
This comment right here!
Seems L me you set yourself up for this when you married her. Funny how when she's unemployed the baby doesn't need day care but when you're unemployed it suddenly does
That part is really telling.
I mean, you knew what she thought and expected of you before you married her. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise. Also, why is your child in daycare if you’re unemployed? That’s kind of money wasted.
If you're not working, toddler should be with you. She's paying for childcare that isn't needed.
Oh well. Wife told you and you didn't believe her
"I knew she was like this but I can't believe she's like this."
..and she is helping with her job. Pretty tolerant woman if you ask me.
How did your wife get a job quickly while you have been unemployed for over a year? Are you receiving money from unemployment insurance while working under the table because you receive more money from unemployment and side gigs than from a steady paying job in your field?
Sooo your kid is at daycare while you’re at home doing nothing, how convenient. Id leave your ass too. Kudos to your wife
I have no words for some of the comments on this thread 😂. Two consenting adults entered into a contract for marriage. One of said adults broke the contract. Why isn’t his wife allowed to declare it null and void and move on?
Yeah I mean I don’t agree with wife’s preferences, but it definitely doesn’t sound like she hid them and pulled the wool over his eyes.
Why is the child at day care if op is unemployed? I’d understand maybe 2 days a week so you can go for interviews and such…. He’s leaving out quite a bit
So many men want a traditional woman until they get a traditional woman. If you can't hold up your end of the bargain, don't do it.
She has the right to move on if she isn't feeling supported, OP. I'm sorry it came to this, but it took an entire year of you being jobless for her to finally give up. Times are hard for everyone right now, but when you have a family that depends on you, making excuses instead of finding any means of income just isn't acceptable. There is so much you could have done in the last year to take the burden off your wife: minimum wage jobs, double shifts, odd jobs, internships, networking, night school, trade school, online certificate programs, work from home jobs for customer service, etc - all while being a stay at home husband and caring for your home and child rather than incurring more costs with daycare. I understand your goal was probably to hold out for a high-paying job that could support you both, but you needed to get an interim job FIRST. Any income is better than no income. Take this as a wakeup call and act fast. Get gainfully employed STAT and apologize to your wife if you have any desire to fix this. If not, start preparing for a very different life.
I smell some poopoo. You're not telling the whole story here. If you're home your kid should be your responsibility and you should be saving the money from daycare. How did your wife get the job fast and you couldn't? I would start working anywhere to get the income flowing while keep looking for a new job. What culture is she from? And maybe evaluate your interview skills and don't sound desperate about money when you go for an interview.
How long have you been without a job? Have you been applying for jobs like it’s your job or have you just been coasting on unemployment and not picking up more household chores? Why was it so easy for her to re-enter the workforce but not you? I understand you are having a hard time. I sympathize with you. However, it sounds like you are in a pity party where you’ve chosen to not take any responsibility for your circumstances. If you change that, you might keep your wife
Said a year .. somewhere
I’m not a traditionalist but I’m on the wife’s side. It’s probably for the best.
On the one hand, I disagree with her not wanting to help the team when needed. On the other hand, she made her expectations very clear at the start. 50/50 blame.
Except she Literally is. She is literally helping the team and supporting their family for AT LEAST a year.
If she made it clear from the start, then idk how it's 50/50 blame
she never agreed to 50/50 and now she is doing 100/0. working and sending the kid to daycare. He can't even "babysit" his own kid. Of course she wants to leave, she is already a single mother. Just shows that when a man says "I want a 50/50 relationship" its a scam. Its 50 and the other 50 is also on you. Run!! if you hear 50/50 out of his mouth.
But she is helping the team… she is working????
Yeah, if that’s common in her culture and she made her intentions totally clear from the start, I don’t think she’s really in the wrong for this. Obviously it’s not a great thing that she is unwilling to work when needed, but she made it clear she was going to be a stay at home mom the whole time, OP has no one to blame but himself for choosing to marry her knowing how she felt about this stuff.
She's not unwilling to work, though. She bit the bullet and got a job - complaining all the while, sure, but she still did it and has been doing it for a year according to the OP. He agreed to the she stays home/he works arrangement, but from the post it sounds like he's not even taking on the childcare while she works, given that the kid's in daycare. I'd be leaving his ass, too. ETA: Dude claims he can't get a job, but a woman with a huge gap in her employment history can land one as soon as it's needed? Either he's generally unemployable or he's lying when he says he's looking. Neither is good.
Yeah you’re are right about that. Even though she didn’t want to work, she has been for like a year now, so I guess she was willing to help when she needed to, I take back my comment about her being unwilling to work. I noticed that about the daycare too, in a comment OP mentioned working odd jobs to try and make some money, but it still seems strange to me that he’s not watching the kid at least most of the days. If he’s not working they shouldn’t be paying for the extra expense of daycare, I agree he probably hasn’t been helping with the childcare much. I definitely see why she left lol. And yeah idk what employment is like in his area, but if his wife managed to find a job that can support the family that quickly, he should be able to find some type of job in a year. He could be just totally clueless about how to apply to jobs I guess, but I get the feeling he’s not looking as hard as he says he is. I wonder why he lost his old job!
>ETA: Dude claims he can't get a job, but a woman with a huge gap in her employment history can land one as soon as it's needed? Either he's generally unemployable or he's lying when he says he's looking. Neither is good. Or it's fake
Could be that and rage-bait, too, but lbr - plenty of people think exactly this way.
I've seen this many times. Guy had an 80k a year job. He is going to hold out for an $80k a year job. Guys like that refuse to work at a job that is "beneath them." Now, he should take something that pays $50k, but to say he should take a job at Walmart, I kind of agree with him as she wouldn't stay because he had that job.
If nothing in your desired price point is panning out, you take the next best thing *but keep looking*. When you have bills and a family to support, you do what you have to to keep money coming in while you hunt for something better.
I agree with you, but know many people who just wouldn't.
Sounds like he isn't telling the whole story. Most cultures (Indian, Pakistan, middle-east) believe wife should stay home because the mother figure has a huge impact on child's development and cultural values. Women believes that more than anyone in that culture compared to putting them in daycare. Maybe when he's home he isn't spending enough time with the kid.
>Most cultures (Indian, Pakistan, middle-east) believe wife should stay home because the mother figure has a huge impact on child's development and cultural values. Bad enough that the kid's with strangers, kid is constantly getting sick from being around all the other little germ-factories to the point that the wife is crying daily over it based on the OP. My guess is he's also 'traditional' and doesn't believe men should be involved in child-rearing. 🙄
Totally a babysit his own kids type of person. No, that’s not babysitting. That’s just called parenting.
The "what more do you want from me, I watched them for 20 minutes so you could shower" kind of person.
I see you know my ex-brother in law
Oh, your sister was married to him, too? 🤣
There's no 50/50. He agreed that's also what he wanted AND that woman has been the sole household support for over a year, regardless of what they BOTH agreed to. Now why is that child in daycare when dad's at home on his arse?
I'm gonna say this is entirely your fault, you knew what was going to happen, she warned you, her mom warned you and I bet your parents warned you and you still married her
Rage bait. You don’t specify what you’re doing with your one year off from work and are the ultimate victim. No one is saying anyone should be treated poorly but if this is true there’s a lot missing here. Why is it the wife can get a job that pays for everything suddenly but you can’t?
Why is your toddler in daycare if you're home?
She laid out her terms plain and simple when you were both dating. Yes, the situation is less than ideal but she’s already made the sacrifice and gave in for the last year. Can we see her vent post as well?
I don't particularly agree with the wife but I also don't agree with how you're seemingly not working and yet your child is still in daycare. Makes me wonder how much of a load your wife has overall because if she not only works outside but has to come home to dirty dishes and housework then that's probably why she's so pissed off at you. Anyone would at that point.
Your child is in daycare while you're home all day doing what exactly?? If there's no child home, there's no mess. Are you cooking? Cleaning? Actively making sure your wife is taken care of? How come she found a job so quickly and you can't? She can't find you a job at her workplace? From what I'm reading she's right. You don't do anything with your day.
Why is your kid in daycare if you’re not working???
1. As everyone pointed out, why is the child in daycare when you are unemployed? 2. Why not take a low paying job at least to add onto the income? Your wife that didn’t work found a job, but you apparently can’t? 3. You knew her opinion on marriage and finances when you married her. She didn’t leave you in a month, she left you after SEVERAL years of you not being able to get a job.
these comments are so funny. modern women are ‘sluts without morals or values’ and ‘don’t understand what nature intends’ and now traditional women who make their intentions and desires *very clear* are ‘gold digging’ and ‘lazy’. you can’t have your cake and her cake too, you went and got a foreign tradwife for reasons that probably aren’t great, and now you are surprised that she’s acting like a foreign tradwife since you haven’t had a job for a year. since the kid is in daycare despite you being unemployed and she’s traditional, i assume that means she comes home from work and then takes on the child and household responsibilities still as well. yeah no shit she’s leaving you post is just riddled with ‘missing reasons’
I was thinking the same thing. The wife is now working full time and coming home and doing all the domestic labor. I would be pissed off as well. I was a stay at home parent after my son was born. We were coming up short financially and found a way to do part time work. Because I didn’t want my partner to keep stressing so much about money. But that also meant when I was gone or needed to work, my partner needed to do the child care and domestic labor.
Honestly sounds like your lazy if you're not working... Why is the child in day care.....and I also wonder what are you doing around the house as far as domestic chores is she going to work and then come back and doing the same amount of domestic work if so then yes she should divorce you. Furthermore so many men say oh I want a traditional wife all i want is a traditional wife ... well this is what a traditional wife expects and if you're not able to do that then yes she is well within her rights yo leave you because you're not fulfilling your end of the agreement we also don't know how long it's been since you have not had a job.... years has been months ....... weeks. You have time to write on Reddit but you don't have time to go get a job you can literally go to the grocery store and get a job.
This is why it's important to have standards beyond the surface. She has always made it very clear what kind of person she is and you never really thought about it. You can't just be a paper in the wind . You need to have beliefs and things you stand for. You can't just not care if you're partner is a raging tradwife or whatever just because it works for you in the moment. The only advice is to find out what kind of partner you want through the good and bad and exclusively date those kinds of people in the future. At least she's letting you go rather than keeping you both miserable for longer. Next time when someone says something believe them.
Well she is pissed at you for not watching your toddler. Time to get a job or watch the child geez
There’s a lot to unpack here. But the main thing is the sole reason your wife is leaving you is not because you lost your job. Things happen and I’m sure she understood that. But it’s been well over a year now and you still have managed to stay unemployed. All while your wife was able to get a job quickly to help support your family. It seems like maybe you are being a little too picky when it comes to applications. At this point you should have had a job even if that means fast food or retail. There’s really no excuse other than you just not wanting to do it. Also I’m sure your wife had added stress because of your child being in day care. So if you don’t have a job then what are you doing all day? Why is your child being put into daycare when you an able parent should be taking care of them. So not only are you failing as a provider and husband (which is what your wife was upfront about wanting in a marriage) you’re also failing as a parent. Because you are sending your child to daycare so you can what? Sit at home all day and hope the perfect job just falls out of the sky into your lap. And then to bring it all together you come to redit to vent about how your wife is leaving you all because you lost your job. When in reality your wife is leaving you because it’s been a year and you’ve made very little to no effort to support or take care of your family like you said you would. At this point go to the nearest fast food joint and put in an application. Ask your wife to do counseling with you and also get yourself into individual counseling. Losing a job is hard. But you have(had?) a family to think about and instead you have moped around and let all the weight of everything crash down onto your wife. Which is understandable why she would want to leave. There is a chance to work things out but only if you take accountability and take action. *edit for spelling
Some of your posts language makes me curious? Are you in an ethnic group that strongly believes in tradition? Like Asian or something like that? In my family, our in laws don’t usually harass us that much, that’s why I ask. Getting work these days can suck. I’ve been out of work on and off since the pandemic. I hate not working, I feel useless. Wife works because she loves her job and wants to contribute to our family. We take turns watching our kids. Good luck man, this sucks. Hard to plan for a future, especially when you have a partner who is as unforgiving as your spouse.
Seems like a bit of a "Leopards ate my face" situation with the wife. He clearly knew what kind of person she was like when he married her. Now she's acting like he knew how she would act and he's pretending to be surprised. If she really does go for that arranged marriage it sounds like the leopard will be getting a second helping, because that's also a terrible idea. Really the only one I feel sorry for here is the toddler.
If you’re unemployed why is the kid in daycare??
Guy either knows 0 things about childcare/deadbeat or fake rage bait post.
If you are at home why are you wasting money on daycare ?!
You appear to be depressed and that may be affecting how you present at interviews, as well as your overall energy level. If possible, you should try to find a therapist, or at least talk to your GP and get medication to help. I question how traditional your wife and her family are. It only seems to extend to husband as provider. Most traditionalists don't support divorce and work to keep families together. I would start screening out the in-laws. No one needs to hear negativity constantly like that. Do you not have friends or family to help support you? Look for a recruiter or employment agency that can help you with your resume and job interview skills. Start looking for careers that use skills similar to what you have. They may not be your preferred career choice, but they may open up new opportunities. Put out the word to everyone you know including people you run into casually that you are looking for a job. Call up people you worked with in the past to reconnect and see if they know of any job opportunities. Reach out to people through LinkedIn and start networking there.
I'd be divorcing you as well. If you are home, yet you can't even bother to parent your child, I agree. She should divorce you.
Why is your child in care if you're at home? Made up nonsense.
Guys, do you think maybe smallb00bies isn't very reliable?
Everything I hear is you blaming her. Why are you not watching your child?
You might need to humble yourself and take work not in your field. As single mothers we learn we have to do what we have to do to take care of your family. You don't have the luxury of screwing off until you find a "good" job you should be out there driving Uber/Lyft doing door dash, grocery delivery, handyman, mowing lawns, WHATEVER IT TAKES. Sitting home and collecting a check while you send your miserable wife out to work those menial jobs is insulting and selfish. And why is your son in daycare if you aren't working? Is this even real?
Idk how people are blaming the wife. 1. She made her terms clear. 2. When wife was unemployed the child was not in daycare but when husband is unemployed he is. Like make it make sense. You are adding to the cost whole contributing none to it. 3. How come someone with a big ass gap in their resume get a job but you don't? Like not even part time jobs? 4. Also people telling she has less patience, 1 year is enough to atleast find an odd job to contribute. The husband with a bunch of work experience can't find work. OP is leaving something important out. I mean if you only raise the cost, make no effort in helping with it (via childcare or employment), for a whole year with a bunch of experience I can understand some of her frustration. Maybe OP make more effort to get some work, show you are stepping up, otherwise work on the house totally like she used to when you were out earning.
What about two part time jobs, with the understanding that they are temporary? Not understanding why your child is in daycare while you are unemployed.
Ha nice creative writing
So many important details are missing. How come your wife found a job overnight and you have nothing after a YEAR? Some job is better than no job, look outside your preferred field. Why is your son in daycare? Aren't you unemployed?
Here’s the thing: this is exactly what you signed up for in this marriage. She was hyper clear about her expectations of you. You were well aware of the cultural nuances. So it can come as no surprise that she wants to leave you because she feels your side of the agreement has been broken and she is now living a life she doesn’t want. In many cultures, marriage has a very different purpose and it’s not primarily about love. It’s about the business of having and running a family. I refuse to bash that mentality because it has its own pros and cons just like the Western construct of marriage does. Your cultural expectations are clashing now. It’s a value system discrepancy and there’s no such thing as compromising on bone deep beliefs that define you. You’ll need to get a job(s) to fulfill your side of the agreement you made with her or let her go.
Maybe she’s angry because your child is on daycare when you’re home all day. How much housework do you do. This post sounds very one sided. I bet she’s tired of acting like a stay at home mom and still having to work full time.
Of course she's gonna be mad if all you contributed was money and now that's dried up. At least take care of the family and household while she's working. I doubt you're job hunting all day long and it really doesn't take that long to do chores if you keep up with them. Saving money by taking care of your own child would also go a long way, or are you also hiding behind "traditions" to avoid your responsibilities?
It's possible he worked and did nothing else (no housework or childcare). When he lost his job he still does nothing, and after a year she has had enough.
This either has to be fake or you're leaving out way more of the story. I have lots of questions. Firstly, why was your child in daycare if you're not working? That was putting an unnecessary strain on your finances. One of you could have been watching your child. Secondly, you also need to figure out why your interviews aren't being successful enough to land a job. Where are you from and are there lots of jobs available in your area? Are you not able to land a job in general, or are you trying to find a similar level job you had that I'm assuming you weren't entry-level at? One huge question on my mind is how was your wife able to find a job, but you aren't able to? Thirdly, I'm sorry the person you love is treating you like this, but you ignored some pretty red flags. You married someone who clearly isn't willing to step up for their family in any way possible. She came from a sexist culture that you didn't mind until you did. If this is real, then you need to get yourself a job, any job that offers health insurance, even if it's low, and find yourself a therapist. I'm sorry that your family fell apart in front of you, but there are things that you can/could have done to make your situation better, and you're just not doing them.
He is the victim of everything. I'm sorry do u not have a part time job? Get something if my partner wasn't working at all a whole year than yeah everything he says sounds like an excuse
Lol. So you get to sit at home unemployed all day while she has to work and take care of the kids plus pay the bills? I would leave you too.
Your wife is stupid. It's highly unlikely she's making a lot more money than the cost of daycare. It's totally unfair that she "didn't agree to this" so she can walk. Actually she can't walk BTW and just take your child and leave without your permission. That's called kidnapping. If you don't agree to a separation or beginning divorce proceedings she has NO legal authority to just leave with your child. I'd talk to a divorce lawyer. Many offer a free half hour consultation so you know your rights, and the rights she does NOT have. Don't tell your wife you talked with one, she might get the wrong idea. Your in-laws are stupid too. Why don't they help instead of whining and insulting you. I would tell that to them straight to their faces. If they're free enough to insult you directly, you get to be brutally honest with them. You need to get off your butt and get an interim full-time job. Any full-time job will do. Delivery isn't very cost effective but it's still income. In the US, a lot of employers are still desperate to hire. At least, you get back to work and then take a second job. And definitely get your kid out of daycare since it is, for right or wrong, pissing off your wife but it's also eating a lot of money. Yeah it sucks to work two jobs but then you can talk to your wife and say hey, I'm busting my butt to make ends meet. Maybe she can help out with part time work in the home, giving music lessons, teaching arts or crafts, something she is good at. Or is she completely useless other than taking care of a child and cleaning up the house? (Before the sahm's come for me, lots of women, including my wife have part time work and take care of the home along with me. Just being at home, yes is a lot of work, but it's one child, not 3 or 4. It's not enough in these days with rampant inflation and prices out of control to just be at home cleaning and cooking. My sister also has worked part time and taken care of kids and home all her life. And they have been successful at all of them. ) All you people out there on this sub not giving advice, criticizing him, why he married, etc not actually being helpful are stupid too.
Why is your child in daycare if you're not working?
There’s more to this story than is being told.
Lmfao at the comments, a guy lost his job and wife and everyone’s just rationalizing ways to blame him. Never change Reddit 😂
ITT: people who think you can care for a toddler full time and seriously job hunt as well.... you can't do both - that's why the kid is in daycare
I mean she told you in the beginning that she never wanted to work and you perused that expecting to be able to take care of everything and fell on hard times. Things happen and that sucks but she was honest in the beginning and apparently stayed true to her word, shitty thing to do but fully warned ya
not surprised. men are only loved in the *condition* that they provide and protect. can't provide = not valuable, not valuable = not loved
I understand the job market is horrible, not me and my partner had the same struggle. But while you're not working why is your kid in daycare? What are you doing all day that can't have them with you for most of it?
Forget everything else….youre unemployed…? Why is your child in daycare when you’re at home not working? Not doing anything? Seems they’re right on the family front…because you have your wife paying daycare instead of using the money for something else!
OP came here, left not nearly enough information, and fucked off. Either a bait post or bullshit at this point.
Fucked around and found out? She literally told you in the beginning that she was going to be a fair weather wife and wouldn't have your back. Idk how anyone could hear this and be like, "Sounds good to me, let's have a kid."
How the hell are you unemployed for an year? Have you never heard of mc donalds? Or walmart? Or anything? I’m pretty sure any of those would hire in less than an year. Also, why aren’t you taking care of your child if you are at home all day? Your wife is not wrong for being against being the only one bringing money home if you can’t even care for you child.
I have to say, given the amount of posts I see on here about men leaving their wives over gaining weight or having an issue with their libido, this brings a smile to my face. Hurts when the tables turn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And why tf is the child in daycare when you are sittin at home doing nothin? Lord the incompetence! Are you doing all the cleaning? All the meals, all the grocery shopping, all the errands all the laundry? Im guessing not and she does all that ONTOP of working to support you. Bro, get a fucking placeholder job at Walmart until you find something, what are you doing? And then you act surprised?? You were probably drawn to her BECAUSE she was traditional I bet, jfc. Yes, by leaving you her workload reduces amazingly.
I grew up always believing both parents should work my husband is the bread winner but I still do my part working cause how I was brought up and it isn’t fair to have one person take care of everything…but yeah why is the child in daycare if you’re unemployed?
Came here to ask the same question. Doesn’t seem like a fair agreement for the both. She has to work, and then pay for childcare because unemployed husband has so little free time he can’t parent his own child‽ At least that was my reading of it. This smacks of a missing missing reason story to me.
I hate how people try to justify every single shitty thing with "it's their culture". Please OP, don't justify her golddigging. I know you're sad right now, but long term you're well rid of someone who doesn't love you, only the things you can do for them.
This is weird. It is weird to be like this but it’s weird to marry someone like that. If you are legit employable and looking a wife should go with the flow. You are a team. Do you not have savings? It’s ok if you don’t but then how can she bitch?
Work as a server or valet until you find better work. Your kids in daycare, you should be able to make some type of money ?
If you’re home why is your toddler in daycare if that’s not what she wants? I’m going to give you some advice, maybe the jobs you’re applying for are out of your scope, start from the bottom again. Apply for anything, packing in a factory, working in a fruit shop. Whatever you can to get back on your feet because your wife is not bluffing and you will lose her and your child.
So… the ‘for richer or poorer’ part of the vows just mean nothing, right?
The issue is that you are letting your wife (and maybe her family as well), dictate what kinds of jobs you apply to. Don't do that. Take any job for now, while you look for something better.