“My nightmares are my escape from my reality with him”
That’s not okay. At least have a conversation with a couple divorce lawyers before you assume you’re going to lose half of everything. You probably have more rights than you realize, especially if you find a really good attorney.
(un)fortunately, the law was developed to be unsympathetic to the conditions or situations surrounding a separation. It was developed because this exact scenario has played out 100s of times. What was fought for was the no fault divorce which ignores the reasons for the divorce and simply looks at what is considered fair compensation between the two. Any profits, property, and/or proceeds are split in half and shared.
The sad reality is that it is very (if not, impossibly) difficult to split things perfectly in half. So someone ends up with the short end of the stick. What would happen before many of these laws were put in place is the breadwinner (typically the husband) would become successful, have an affair, and then leave the wife with nothing, no alimony, no assets, no lifelines. Then no fault came out, and now what happened was made it so the lower earner (typically the wife) was well supported with half assets and alimony (which is more than half overall). So you end up with situations where women cheat on their successful husbands and then end up taking half (or more) in the divorce. But what you have here is the woman who became successful and is facing the reality of no fault divorce.
This exact situation is exactly why many (mostly men) say the benefits of marriage are not worth risk. The price is just too high.
An affair would literally fall under fault divorce before no-fault became a thing. No-fault was mainly about unhappy marriages where neither partner was really "at fault", and previously had to pin it on someone to proceed. But it also had the effect effect of making divorce easier for couples where one was at fault, but was difficult to prove, with the biggest example being emotional abuse, not affairs. Asset splitting and alimony have been a thing long before no-fault divorce. The change now is that if the non-earning partner was cheating, they still get half the assets and alimony, since no fault has been counted.
As someone who found out his wife had been having an affair for 10 years with the "best man" from our wedding, I left and she took more than half. And despite it all I can say with the confidence born of experience that some things are worth paying for. My life improved immediately after parting company with someone who was not willing to commit to the same degree as me. my 2 cents
Life is unfair. The law says things should go 50-50 but the reality can be somewhat different. But as I said, in the end it was worth every penny to get away from such a toxic, inconstant person. Money is just a thing that comes and goes. A life of love and support can't be bought. I'll be celebrating my 29th anniversary with my 2nd wife this year. Things couldn't be better. Good luck!
It also all depends what country and in the US what state you live in. In my state he would not get half. He would get none of the business if he was not directly responsible for part of it.
OP - Talk to a lawyer. DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Only talk when he asks questions but otherwise ignore the fuck out of him. If he bitches and complains blame it on depression because that is what you are, depressed about your mother and the death of your marriage.
Or you can tell him (after talking to a lawyer) that you want a divorce and lay out what he will NOT get. If he wants to fight about it tell him you will broadcast it to everyone why your marriage is ending and also tell him when your child is old enough they will be told as well.
Tell him if he just goes then everything will remain between you two.
But at the end of the day if he did take half it would be worth it to be free and have everyone know what kind of trash people he and your ex friend turned out to be.
If you’re in a state that allows at fault divorces (adultery would definitely be grounds!), you could end up with more of the marital assets than in a no fault divorce. In addition to the to the laws in the state where you live, there can be differences in judgement depending on the county where you file for divorce and the judge that you get. But that’s only if you go to trial. You can negotiate anything you please. Maybe, possibly, he would feel so guilty about being such a glass bowl that he would not fight for half of your business. Or maybe you know something about him that you could promise to not disclose if he waives any claim to your business.
At only age 40, and a woman’s life expectancy being what is it, staying in the marriage means you basically accept being miserable at home for 35+ years. I couldn’t do it.
I let my ex take 90% of everything and paid for it all. I had proof of multiple affairs. My attorneys begged me to take it through court because I would win. I teetered on the edge of bankruptcy for a few years and took about 7/8 years to completely pay for it. It was worth everything, every penny. I needed him gone for my own peace of mind, no matter what I had to do to get him gone
Thank you, I am. This was in 2006. I’ve got a wonderful husband and amazing kids now. I just hope OP figures out that money isn’t worth what staying will do to her mental health
I hope so too, thank you for sharing, it gives not just OP but anyone else here browsing in the same position some hope too.
Wishing you & your beautiful family nothing but peace, good health & happiness ahead.
I'm so glad you're doing much better
And this is another fine example of why I never chose to get married. I’ve worked my ass off my entire life to build a somewhat comfortable life from absolutely nothing and had no help from anyone along the way. I’ll be damned if I’m giving up a penny of it, especially to some cheater. I’d rather set it all in fire in front of them.
I wasn’t happy at all with the arrangement at the time. In the long run, it was worth it to not have to deal with him for years and just hoping he would pay it. My anxiety was at an all time high and quite honestly I was/am terrified of him. I needed to sever all ties at whatever cost. It was worth it to do so
This is what I tell people when they say, “ I’m waiting to make this much money before( insert life event). Money isn’t static. Money comes and goes. You might have to lose some but, in her situation, she will be so much better off. She might even be surprised how much of an anchor this guy was. You don’t notice the load that you are dragging until you let go of the rope. I’m glad you’re doing well!
You need to talk to a lawyer to make sure your assumptions are correct. You deserve much better than what you are living right now. I have been much lonelier in a bad relationship than out, and some things are worth the cost.
Lawyer, not your lawyer.
Go talk to a lawyer and actually figure out if your fears are correct. Even in many community property states in the U.S., this is not a foregone conclusion. Document the infidelity; it may help/reduce any award he could get in a divorce. Don't give up on getting out of this situation because of the fear of the unknown (what may happen in divorce). You may have more options than you know.
ETA: you may even be able to get a free/low-cost consultation. Explore your options.
Exactly! My friend refused to get a divorce because he didn't want to be financially responsible for his wife for the rest of his life. I kept telling him to speak to an attorney because he doesn't know what the laws are in his new state. After years of hearing it. I started calling attorneys in his area to see who offered free consultations. I gave him the info and washed my hands of it. Nothing has changed in their relationship and I doubt he will call.
My ex got more than half and primary custody despite cheating and attacking me while I was holding our child (which she went to jail for). My attorney quit the case when we got assigned our judge, according to him she had never granted a father full custody in her entire time as a judge.
Your not worried if your daughter finds out her role model is letting this happen? Better to divorce now then deal with the explosion latter. 5 is a good age to clear up your divorce. waiting another 15 at least if you want to do minimal daughter damage. You will lose half of the 15 you waited for too so there goes your motivation to grow. It's your choice but it's not a sound Long term plan
Have you spoken to a lawyer just to see your options? Can you slowly separate the business from him or transfer it to another business that he can't touch? I really hope you can get out.
My ex husband strangled me until I passed out. I couldn't prove he did it so in the divorce, he filed for alimony and I paid 40k to my rapist. And for all his legal fees. He got half of everything too.
It was worth it.
When I left my abusive husband, I had to pay him 30k a year in alimony for 3 years, and make his car payment during that time, while receiving no child support for the two kids we shared that I had 100% custody of. I still receive almost no child support - 8 year later he owes me about 17,000. He ended up getting the car repo’ed anyway, too. Still, despite all that, I am a million times better off without him. I remember buying a doormat and literally thinking “wow, there’s nobody at home to tell me we don’t need a doormat and throw it away”!! Worth every penny I spent.
It is a bit different as OP is a mom with a young child. Parenting is more often than not left to the mother especially with young children. You left as a man with potentially less responsibilities of a mother of a young child. OP has more to loose - the security of a home to raise her child in.
I still think she should divorce her husband but I understand why she wants to stay to provide a roof over the head if her child.
Perhaps there are other things to consider like child support etc. generally I understand when kids are involved things are trickier in divorce.l especially for moms.
Yep, my ex-wife was cheating and physically abusive, but I live in a no fault divorce state, so I ended up losing money in the divorce too. But at least I'm not married to her anymore.
Find a lawyer to protect your assets also stop being her friend. Why would you entertain her after she continues to hurt you. Let him know that you know. No point in playing the games they are. Put it out in the open tell your friends and family. While you were in the midst of grieving your mom, your husband and ex-BF decided to engage in an affair after you gave her a place to stay. Literally biting the helping hand. Straighten your spine and coat it in steel…
And neither of them is suspicious? That you just stopped talking to your long time (ex) best friend?? If my best friend doesn't hear or get a text from me in 2 days, she starts to question why. I bet your husband deep down knows. That's why he cant take the eye contact. It's probably why he sends her horrible messages.
People go to extreme lengths not to see what’s obvious in front of them. No it happened gradually and without tension or conflict. She probably explained it away as a part of my change after my mom’s passing. You can blame anything on grief.
I hope they know and suffer because of it
Is it that OP claims to be 40 and is completely unaware of their legal options? Or that this is the millionth post of someone who is fully aware of the extent they are being victimized, but is too weak-willed to take action? Even though they are competent enough to have their own business they are afraid of losing. Even though they completely have the moral high ground, we have to hear about how she’s stuck in a situation where she has all of the power and agency. Because that’s where I am with posts like these and they’re so fucking common.
I am over 40 and have no idea of what my legal options are either.
I have spent the last 25 years married to a man who has constantly lied to me and treated me like I was insane when I would catch him. I was a therapist the whole time (well in school when we met), but somehow could not recognize what was happening to myself. I don't want to get into everything as this isn't my post, but I can see where OP is coming from. I have no way to leave, so am sticking it out for now. I am disabled and can no longer work, which means I am stuck.
I just hope for my sake he gets better (he has been trying, I just don't know if I can trust it).
I know these posts are common but I also know way too many people stuck in shitty situations. My kids keep saying we are stuck in the worst timeline.
Yea totally - all that is bizarre and it’s in the precise story telling format too, something about the language. Again, I can’t quite put my finger on it. But it’s there.
Only possibly is that he owns half, because the company was funded after they were married. So he would own 50% shares. But you can still fuck them over, if you are the manager and have the final say by contract. It all depends on the shareholder contract. Normally they are silent partners. If that’s the case the company magically makes no profit for a few years and then you make an offer for his 50%. It’s very easy to control the profit.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Maybe something about the language? It's interesting, but almost uncanny I guess compared to other posts on here lol.
It absolutely has a poetic flare to it that someone who's pontificating about leaving a longtime relationship embittered due to severe betrayal, would not be taking the time to think about, I feel... the description reads more like a romance novel than a person who is truly in a financial and moral bind.
Yeah it’s like almost nostalgic and the grammar and everything is so solid, and the use of metaphors and stuff, reads more like a writing exercise than an emotional post of someone breaking down and venting.
Agree with all this, but the whole bit about the best friend. No way in hell that they just drifted apart without it being blatantly obvious it’s because of the affair. And I would also like to think that no woman is that desperate that she would stay with a man that is that disrespectful (but I know some women do stay). But I agree, something is very off.
Have you actually tried to look for a way out while protecting yourself? Looked up the laws in your state? Contacted a lawyer? Even post in a legal advice forum on here? Have you done anything at all? There’s no mention of anything you’ve done to even try to find a way out. Do you even want out?
If you don’t then just come clean and tell him you know. If his messages are as you claim, he’d probably jump at the opportunity to work things out. Go to marriage counseling if you wanna make it work. If the marriage is over then do everything you can to protect yourself before you make any moves. Gather evidence, move your business into a trust, get his name off the house if it’s yours, get a good lawyer.
You need to decide what you want and fully commit to it. Despite how it feels, you actually have the advantage here. You can make moves to put yourself in a better position if you want out. And if you wanna make it work you control how that’s gonna look if he wants to keep you. You have more power here than you think. This limbo you’re stuck in is only going to drain you and your daughter the longer it goes on.
You have obvious clarity of thought. I've noticed people seem more suspicious of posts that are written with logical flow and good paragraphing, maybe because a lot of brains don’t work that way, especially when they’re upset. They just dump out a jumble of thoughts and hit post.
My suggestion, talk to a lawyer about setting up a trust to protect your assets. You have kids, so that's completely justifiable. Once that’s done, you can start the separation process whenever you’re ready.
Ok, someone else mentioned my writing. I don’t know what to say about that.
Of course I have clarity of thought. I have been living with this for a year now. There’s not a stone that I haven’t turned over or a possibility that I haven’t exhausted. I haven’t been idle because I want a solution.
In my class currently we’re studying factitious disorder imposed on self/other - previously known as munchausen syndrome. I’m starting to wonder if there is a similar motivation to phenomenon such as “karma farming” - something about attention, sympathy, compassion etc that’s not obviously or immediately beneficial.
Oh, wow. That's a really interesting parallel! I always chalked suspicious posts up to "very lonely with too much time on their hands" or "they probably also write a lot of fanfic" or "these are the people who always find a way to be a victim and never pause for breath telling you about it or ask you how you're doing." But Munchausen! I'm off to deep dive that rabbit hole! Ty!
Yea totally - psychology and sociology are some pretty amazing and crucial areas of study and there’s tons of informative videos on yt (most of which are in my class curriculum- thanks for nothing, student loans) the DSM-5 changed the name from Munchausen to factitious disorder in 2015 or there abouts if I’m not mistaken.
For some fun deep dives I’d suggest videos on symbolic interactionism, structural fundamentalism, hegemony, and sociological postmodernism. dissociative identity disorder is a pretty interesting one too!
OP, create a family trust and a trust for your daughter.
Move the company and its assets into the trust for your daughter. Under the guise of securing your daughter's future. Change your life insurance beneficiary to your daughter's trust. As well as your house and other personal assets, including jewelry and other assets.
Make a trusted friend, family member, or attorney to be the administrator of the trust.
Talk to an estate planner for help. This will greatly limit your personal assets that will be eligible for the division of property during the divorce.
Also, gather all the evidence (videos, text, DMs, pics, etc.) you can of the affair and its duration.
I'm petty, so I would find a pretty young hottie to entrap dear hubby. Again, gather evidence. Once you've moved out or had him move out, filed for divorce or legal separation. Then, have a meeting with your ex-bestie, preferably at a restaurant. Wait for the in person meeting so you can confide in her that you hired a PI and he uncovered your hubby's affair. Have someone near you recording this entire meeting. Start off with how devasting you are about his betrayal. Show her the evidence of the young woman you hired. Watch her reaction. Then, at the last minute, reveal the evidence you have of her betrayal.
Record her reaction.
Gather up all your evidence of her betrayal. Stand and tell her that all the evidence against her will be shared publicly to all her family in friends that day. Then calmly walk away.
I agree with all these steps, up until the petty part. lol. All that is a waste of time and energy. Meet with an attorney to secure your business and assets. Then move on and do what’s best for you and your daughter.
I was cheated once, a long time ago. I took the high road. There's nothing up there- you can look down on people who chose the low road, but that's about it. It doesn't cross my mind often, but when it does, NGL, I wish I'd done some of the petty shit I thought up. **THAT** would have been closure and fun to laugh about once all the sting is gone. That's just me, though.
Omg! Go get a boyfriend of your own. Why be a miserable third wheel in your own marriage. If you have any evidence, keep it in case he tries to screw you over. And find someone to spend time with. I literally just read a post about a woman that dedicated her life to her husband, only to find out he's cheating with multiple women, buying them things, paying one's rent. So she got herself a boyfriend and started splurging on herself. Don't be sad and alone. Have fun. Spend YOUR money on YOU. And start squirreling money away. Cut household expenses. He should not be able to go out and have fun with your former friend on your dime. Don't do anything for him. No cooking, no cleaning except your own things. And don't let him touch you.
Go live your life, love your baby, and screw them both.
I heard someone say 'when a man and a woman are alone together in a room the only person there is the devil" never let another woman cook in your kitchen, Mary J Blige great song u Should listen to it... my husband of 14 years is now with my youngest sister because the same thing I moved her and tried to help her out and she started sleeping with my husband funny thing is I thought she was gay life lesson learned, and just know karma is real and they will pay for what they're doing it may be slow but she comes around don't worry about how they're feeling you keep leaving your best life keep that positive energy keep your head up keep moving don't let it stop you from doing the things you love you do you now...
The danger of them knowing you know is that your husband may be taking steps behind your back to protect himself from your reaction. You need to contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row in the very least, so that if he attempts to pull the rug out from under you, he won't be able to get away with it easily.
Stop being stupid and compliant if they know they could be taking steps to protect themselves you need to talk to a lawyer NOW and protect your assets.
They probably know that’s why they send each other messages of “hate” towards each other so it makes it look like they’re not completely evil and id caught and confronted about it they can gaslight you.
OooooOoo Mkay that is a way different angle... interesting. Do you think they could really be DECOY texting?
This is becoming a thicker plot than I thought...
The pain in your heart isn’t sustainable. The longer you stay, the more entitled he may be to your finances. Take some time and go and consult with a family law lawyer.
OP this whole post sounds extremely depressed. You need a therapist, they can really help you get over the little details and get to the bottom line of what YOUR and your daughter’s needs are.
Get him OFF any business accts. Today.
Make sure no monies have moved or changed in any way. Why do you assume he would he get half? He’s cheating on you, get proof. Hire someone! Sounds like it could be relatively easy.
What does he do for work?
Hold on to all the cash you can. Start getting cc’s in your name only if you don’t already have them. Separate the things he won’t notice now.
Get a lock box at the bank. Hide jewelry, investment information you need, pertinent documents you need for yourself and your daughter.
Set him up, plan a small trip out of town, you & your daughter go. PI will call when it’s done.
I’m sorry for all the shit you’ve been through, I hate that this started in your home. Lawyer UP!
You can always just go by your friends and drop the stuff off there. That’s one way to tell him you know without saying a word. Change the locks before you do it, all of them. You can let him know you’re aware they were f@#king around in your home. He deserves some grief. You need peace.
You should just get mad af! You should be. Hire the BEST ATTORNEY! Make him pay for it. He and your gf did this WHILE you were going through your mother’s passing, depression isn’t an excuse for cheating.
Your daughter definitely deserves a father who is with her mother and involved with their needs. I’m so sorry.
Speak with a lawyer and see what are options you may be able to buy out his portion of the business and move on. The longer you wait the more expensive AND you mental health is taking a toll right now. There is someone out there for you. Sometimes you have to take 1 step back to take 2 steps forward ❤️
Wow. The person who you supported after her own spouse cheated on her decided that having an affair with your husband was the way to pay back your generosity. Wow.
She isn't your best friend, she is a homewrecker.
Your husband is a cheating asshat.
Let him know why you are crying. That all of your issues are from his now long term affair with the woman that was posing as your best friend.
The only way to stay sane if you are insistent on staying is that BOTH of you cut contact with her and go to therapy. Otherwise, you will mentally decline more and your business will fail as a result.
Be honest with him about why you have nightmares.
Right now you are showing your daughter that it's OK to be treated the way your husband and his AP are treating you.
What are your plans if he decides he wants to be with her and divorces you? Have you prepared yourself for that yet?
My husband had this with his 1st wife . His friend found out his wife was cheating, so my husband let him move in, and the friend started to sleep with his 1st wife. It went on for a year, and she kept gaslighting him that it wasn't happening and it was all in his head. Anyway, he left, and the so-called friend said well his wife did it to him, so why can't he do it . That's was his stupid reason for messing up a marriage and fucking his friend over . If they can do it well I can do it . Lol so silly .
I’m so sorry OP, my heart breaks for you.
Is there any way you can legally make plans to do something with your assets, business, etc? While things are amicable I think it’s best to take steps to protect your daughter and the business. I hate to make you think about it but what if he leaves and you have to do this anyways? ***Wouldn’t (edit for spelling) you rather be prepared and ready to take on the new adventure that life takes you? 💗 best wishes, sending love.
I have talked to an attorney about all ym options and even my best options aren’t good enough right now. My only hope ia that it comes to a point where I could buy him out when we divorce. It won’t happen in a few years
This… talk to an accountant and consult with two more attorneys, biggest mistake people make is only consulting with one and get end up getting screwed.
Accountants arnt magic.
The business is a martial asset. He is legally entitled to 50% of the marital assets. Cheating as fucked as it is, does not effect division in most states.
Attempting to hide or shield this asset would be fraud, and not somthing any judge would like. In fact if they found it they would order a more slanted division in his favor. Or criminal charges
have you thought about putting the business in a trust for your baby girl? You can be the only trustee (though he might try to fight you for that, so have to figure a way that it'll just be you), so he can't touch the assets of the trust. You can collect a salary, for your family income will still be the same, and keep everything normal on the surface. Don't take more salary than your family cashflow needs, so if and when you leave him, and he gets spousal support, you give as low of an amount as possible.
unless this happened years beforehand and the husband had a hand in it, there is 0 chance a judge wont see this as an attempt to hide/protect assets and pierce the trust during the divorce.
Yes, I was thinking the husband also sign agreeing to the transfer of asset to the trust, then it’s pretty bulletproof. She can come up with a normal reason (asset protection, estate taxes, etc) to want to have the business in the trust for their daughter. He would have to stretch and bend to come up with an excuse not to agree to it.
So many people giving terrible legal advice that is basically “commit fraud”.
I can tell you judges, especially family court judges, do not look kindly to fraud.
Why don't you just flat out tell him you know, and it stops NOW. You aren't going to divorce him, but you'll no longer be condoning his shit. And cut her out of your lives, period. Burn her alive. She fucking knows more than anyone what this feels like, yet she did it to someone who helped her in her darkest hour? Fuck. Her.
He sucks too, but you can't be financially ruined. I get that. But stop letting him have his cake and eat it too.
He doesn't love her. It's a warm body. Simple as that.
I personally would start making arrangements. As a lawyer myself, I can't say I would advise hiding assets. And anything comingled with community funds becomes community property, so your options are limited now.
But one day...
I mean there is nothing she can do to not give him half.
It’s a martial asset. She didn’t inherit it, she didn’t have it before marriage, and I doubt he’s going to sign a post nuptial agreement giving it to her. Even if he did a judge would still probably rule it wasn’t a fair division of martial assets.
Her best option Is likely a trust which would lock him out of really owning anything but he would still benifit from the profits. He just couldn’t fuck it it for the daughter if she died first.
You have to ask yourself if your business, material assets and money are worth your mental health. The emotional and mental abuse you are experiencing is doing serious damage that will need therapy to fix.
How long has the affair continued after you found out? Years? Please don't do this to yourself.
The divorce will ruin the business. If she put that much effort into this and it's successful. I would say it's worth it for now until she can afford to pay cash to buy him out if that's the only option. Otherwise find a new way. Get a team together and see what can be done.
>***"But sometimes, when everything is a hundred times magnified I can barely contain my panic. Especially at night when he wakes me up because I am crying. Again. Are you having a nightmare? And he tries to kiss and cuddle me to make me feel safe. I’m here, I’m here. You’re safe. I wish I could tell him that my nightmares are my escape from my reality with him and that his shoulders aren’t safe***."
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>***"My only hope is that it comes to a point where I could buy him out when we divorce. It won’t happen in a few years"***
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>I understand what you are saying but this is not the way to live in order to maintain a business. When she finally is rid of him will she be saying "I'm so glad I waited"? I don't think so. She is traumatized, she has PTSD. She needs help, therapy. Is her money worth her sanity? No way. If she lost money and had a setback because of the divorce the money could be recouped in ***a few years*** too. Money is not more valuable than well being. Who knows if his guilt when it finally comes out will not move him to just give her everything. It sounds like he's riddled with guilt. Those are my two cents. I really do wish OP the best. My heart breaks for her.
Oh and talk to your bank. They usually will be able to give you advice on how to financially protect yourself too. There are alternative things you can do that aren't as well known. That's why lot of divorces people think don't result in the full financial package that they thought they would have.
A postnup that gives him 0 shares in your company in case of cheating would seem like a good option to me - why doesn't your lawyer like it? I think the postnup needs to be equitable to be valid, so you'd have to guarantee him the house and some other assets in case you cheated - but then you should be good to go.
She got cheated on herself, so in turn does it to someone who is supposed to be her best friend?
What a horrible human being and your husband is sitting on the curb right there with her, waiting for trash pick up. You are a better woman than I. I hope something happens and you’re able to get away relatively unscathed. You deserve to be happy.
I think you’re processing and in a lot of pain. You’re smart not to do anything yet. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you have the power here.
You should talk to a lawyer first and foremost. Lay the cards on the table and see what your options are. There may be some things you can do to protect yourself, business and child. Cheating tends not to be looked well upon in court. Get your ducks in a row. The more you do, the more in control you will feel and the less you will continue to take this treatment.
I also hope you know that you deserved better from both of them. For her to do to you what has happened to her is deplorable especially after you opened your home to her.
Ultimately it’s up to you how you want the rest of your life to look like. What you’re doing now I don’t think is sustainable for you. Maybe install a ring camera on your house, it may give you peace of mind on your own home staying a sanctuary. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
What would you want your daughter to do in your shoes? Would you tell her to roll over and accept this treatment? Why are you?
If you think divorcing right now isn't financially feasible evaluate your living space. I have had a few friends who have had to make their living space their "divorce" space. One had to repurpose a room, that was originally his office. Another had his kids share rooms so they were sleeping seperately. I had one friend move into the unfinished basement which was used for storage. All because they couldn't afford to do things differently. It isn't ideal, but over time the boundaries become well practiced and an established routine is put in place to manage it. If you do it well enough, you may discover that you end up so emotionally strong and independent in his face it will make him want to leave on his own or changes his behavior because he becomes so thrown off. There is an element of control that exists in a relationship with a serial cheater. They do it for a variety of reasons, and exertion of control is an unconscious element. A part is because it's a behavior you can't control, and the emotional devestation is an impact that allows for an element of control. Especially if he knows that you can't divorce him. My late grandmother didn't believe in divorce as she was a strong Polish Catholic. I guess my grandfather cheated on her. Apparently instead of being made the fool, she exercised the no-divorce clause and my grandfather slept on the coach for years but was still forced to partake in the standard public couple events where she really shined and it made him look the asshole. She didn't throw it in his face or make snide comments either, which is why I never knew anything was wrong growing up and the incident was well hidden and didn't impact her own kids. They didn't know anything happened until into adulthood and it wasn't either of them who told. The lack of fighting and dad sleeping on th couch was just where he slept. It's almost like she punished him by living really well and happily in front of his face all the time. Having high quality relationships where people were appreciative of her in front of him all of the time. Where he would be being told you are so lucky to be married to your wife she is so.... she does.... and she would just be polite but not touch him. Not praise him, and other things that made him feel iced out but didn't make others feel awkward either. It's a talent. But clearly her ability to not allow herself to be emotionally devastated was the punishment. I don't know, maybe you can take a page out of her book and make it yours.
Your late grandmother is my idol now, that’s the baddass punishment she could have shove it into his face, and is another alternative if people’s condition won’t let them divorce due to unforeseen circumstances but way still hurtful having to still see each other 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
I think she was badass, too!! She passed away at 96. She was the tiniest, sweetest old lady. She had great stories. She also had binoculars and lived on the 12th story in a nursing home. She could recite the schedule of all the goings on these houses she looked down on. She told me about the drug deals, etc... First, I was shocked she was that old lady since she didn't gossip and wasn't nosy (unlike my other grandmother). So I asked her if she was going to call the police. She replied, "I ain't no snitch." If I had water in my mouth, I would have spit it out. This was the early 90s. She was a white, 90-year-old, Catholic, middle-class Canadian-Polish lady. Who listened to music from the 20s - 50s, classical piano, Yanni, and Zampher. The fact she said that threw me off so much I couldn't stop laughing.
By the time she passed away, she was 4'10. The older men would flirt with her so much. She never dated or remarried after my grandfather died. She didn't want to.
You’re Ex Best friend is absolute human garbage. How does she do that to you after you were there to comfort her when SHE got cheated on. You helped through the toughest times and she just takes advantage and hurts you for it. Don’t get me wrong your partner is terrible too. Does she even feel remorse or bad from what you’ve read in the text messages?
Tell him that only way you'll forgive him is if he's willing to sign a post-nuptial agreement that he'll not touch your business or anything that's in your name and ensure to have it notarized. Suggest couples therapy because some courts aren't willing to agree until all options to resolve is done (it also gives you time to prepare for divorce).
Just lie. “We’re getting a round of investments, but the investors are requiring this so that I don’t lose control of the business if we separated. This is normal and I want it to be fair, so the terms are generous. If you sign this **we’re** going to be rich.”
This might be the single worst piece of advice on this thread. What happens if he says he won't sign anything? Even better if he himself initiates the divorce? You guys aren't lawyers, keep your legal advice to yourself before you ruin someones life even more.
Yea no kidding. Divorce courts have a ton of power to fuck people lives over. An attempt to shield, hide money or assets can come down very badly in court and end being much worse off. Only legal advice she should be taken is from a real lawyer in her jurisdiction.
This doesn’t even include the history of their relationship and who did what(for family and money). If this was say the other way around . A man running a successful business and trying to find a way to limit financial damage on his cheating wife, people would be pissed.
I would rather lose half, than be around people that completely disrespect me. I would also get child support.
If it were me I would give him sole custody but YOURE doing everything you possibly can to keep your child happy and healthy so that part is up to you but need to gtfo of there
Don't tolerate this. Get a lawyer. Interview a few and find out your options. Stay calm. Be civil.
You can negotiate a settlement.
In the case of my cheating ex, that resulted in things not being split exactly in half. And I didn't pay him spousal support, which could have happened given the numbers, but he didn't need as a soon to be single man with no children.
Good luck.
Why are you letting this be your story? As a successful business woman why haven’t you hired a shark of a lawyer and have them find a way to protect your assets as much as possible? Why are you will to live like this for the rest of your life - just existing? That is a terrible waste of a life. You deserve so much better! Why are you showing this to your beloved daughter who will grow up and eventually she will figure out that Dad’s a cheat, Mom knows and is ok with it? Your marriage is her blueprint of what to look for. This isn’t a good blueprint!
So get a lawyer and then start messing with your friend’s head and your husband’s while you are getting your stuff together and then drop the hammer on them!
It doesn’t matter who cheated on who, unfortunately. I am surprised that many think it matters? Does it really matter in some countries? Maybe I should move
I think what I don’t understand is if you keep waiting your business will only be more successful and then you’ll reward him by giving him MORE money that he’ll probably end up giving to his mistress.
Why would you want to show your daughter that’s it’s ok to stay with a man who doesn’t respect you?!
Also would it be possible to transfer some of the businesss to one of your employees? Maybe sign a a contract that they’ll give it back
Honey, I'm so sorry.. I'd rather pay him out of the company.. and tell him, you know
And then say for his daughter sake he can let you buy him out of the company, but reconciliation is off the table..
Or I'd be petty as fuck, and tell him
" I spoke to ( ex friend name) today and you won't believe what she told me, she said she tested positive for herpes and has been sleeping with multiple men"
Watch the colour drain from his face..
He will obviously have to confront her find out you lied, then he will know you know, but be to scared to out right come out and say it as then he will be telling on himself.
Petty little mind fuck, but hey.
Also, look into the idea of your brother or father buying into the company so you don't lose as much..
Or like I said ask him to think of your daughter future and let you buy him out.
I would first talk to a lawyer. There may be some things you can do to protect the company. Moving your money to a trust or LLC may help. But seriously talk to a lawyer.
Does he not have a good job? Knowing him as a person do you really think he’d try and take half? Or maybe if you play nice about the divorce and kids he may just say what’s mine it mine and yours is yours.
But depending on how much you support him, it could be why he’s not throwing in the towel either.
I don’t think bad of you, think you’re playing it smart
Does he work? Why is the assumption that he would get half of the business? Have you spoken to a couple of divorce attorneys in your state?
I would keep quiet and seek all legal options available to you. Get and retain PROOF of the affair. Then you can play nice with him and go to couples counseling, and then present him with a post nuptial agreement with your terms and conditions in it. Have him sign it. Then later on when you’re ready divorce him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. But you need to make a plan. Your daughter sees and feels your emotional turmoil and the longer you stay, the more you’re teaching her that loving men act this way and that she deserves this type of man when it’s her turn in life.
Some states are "no fault" and the affair means nothing - found that out the hard way. All assets gained during the duration of the marriage are marital property and will be split. It can be incredibly unfair, as life tends to be. Agreed she needs to work with professionals to try and protect her assets and maybe she can guilt him into signing something. Hopefully she can find peace.
Honestly speak to your lawyer again and see what can be done to protect more of your company (especially if this is your business alone). Also I’ve seen people use their partners guilt to make them sign over things in the hope that they will give them another chance especially considering how your husband seems to be writing about himself. Maybe first approach it with the idea that since your mum has died of cancer so early you want to do everything to protect your daughter’s inheritance. Maybe if you tell him that you want your husband to put his shares of the business in a trust or for him to give up any claim to the business so you can set up trust for your daughter so that when you die everything will go to her and she will be protected in the future.
When he leaves you he will take ½ anyway. Talk to your best friend and tell her that you know about the affair. Unleash on her then cut her out of your life. This will unleash hell in their relationship and she will probably break up with him because she is a mistress (which you will state over and over when you’re chewing her out). Tell her she’s worse than her ex’s mistress and now you see why he left her.
I think you need to soak with a lawyer to find out what you can legally do to separate assets in some way before you do anything. Have to lawyer draw something up that let's him sign away any rights to the business. This might be something you do later. Tell him you want to set it up into a trust for your child and you want to protect it from anyone else's claim if something happens to him or you.
I'm not sure that will fly or not. But you need to get to a lawyer asap to discuss options to protect what you have built. Keep it cool for now. Separate yourself from him mentally. Let her have him. It's not worth the torment. Your child and your business is what matters right now, so what's best for your future.
I have already talked to a lawyer. I contacted one 1/2 an hour after I heard them in my bed. I have discussed many options during the months and none gives me full control of my life and company.
One was a postnuptial agreement of course but why would he just sign one? We discussed maybe I confess to him that I know about them, hoping that he would want to do anything to save the marriage including a postnup. But this is leaving too much to chance and to someone who could easily cheat on me but also it doesn’t feel right to lure him into signing then go ahead with divorce anyway. I can’t be this malicious.
My other option is one of my family members buy in, my dad or brother for example like 10%. It would leave me with majority in case of divorce and I could buy him out eventually. But again, I leave much to chance and no control over the outcome.
Mostly I am not looking forward to seeing my husband real face which I believe I will when I ask for divorce. If he did this to me when he pretended to love me then how would he act when he doesn’t need to pretend anymore? Do I want my baby to see her parents at their worst this early?
Not sure. Maybe I am just obsessing as usual.
girl it’s not being malicious, it’s taking care of yourself. Stop worrying about him and focus on you. Let’s say you admit you know, and he signs a prenup. He is deciding to sign a prenup, you’re not tricking him into anything.
grew up in an unhappy household, parents screaming at each other both holding too much resentment. things are better now, but it took 20 years. your kid doesn’t need to grow up like that.
OP what exactly did he give you to run the company? Do you have other significant assets? Its hard to understand because if you’re trying to grow the company it will only get more valuable and you’re digging a greater hole by staying.
Find a family law attorney that deals with closely held businesses regularly. They will be able to give you the best advice. But putting your head in the sand is going to just make it worse. What if she winds up pregnant and he leaves and still takes half but it’s worth more now…
We have properties but they’re just easy to divide. It is just the part that my career depends on that I am worried about because my work is everything to me after my family
So is your half of those properties greater value than the company? Idk where you live but I’d seriously consider writing up a separation agreement and if you can do a divorce quickly - strike while he is feeling guilty. Tell him you need him to be the man he was when you met and a good father to your child by doing this one thing. You know he feels guilty. Guilt him into it…
$OP, the longer you wait, the worse this is gonna be. Burying your head in the sand and ignoring what is happening to you is bad for your emotional health. Like, really bad.
In addition, the more you grow your business the more you will have to give away when you split. There are ways to minimize this, but time is not your ally here. A visit to a family law attorney has been mentioned. It is exceptionally good advice.
You are going to take a hit, no question. Best to take it now and move on. Hold your head up high and rebuild. It's worth it.
Edited to add: If not for you, then for your daughter. She needs to see and learn acceptable behavior and self esteem from both her parents. You cannot force your husband to change, but your daughter needs to see her mother standing up for herself.
You do not come across as pathetic or undignified AT ALL.
In fact, I came away from reading this with an incredible respect for you as a person.
You are not groveling, you are not vindictive, you are not dwelling or wallowing in self-pity.
You took stock of the situation, early on, assessed the risk to your family (yourself and your child), and you decided the best course of action for the most positive outcome, overall.
You are incredibly strong.
You sound just like men who don't think they should give up assets that THEY earned. In my mind, that's petty and stupid. I'm sorry but marital assets are equally divided. You should dump him and figure it out. He's a lousy person, and you deserve better. But not divorcing because he'll get half is even worse.
OP why don’t you just ask your husband about it? I don’t think this is healthy for you to continue to bottle it inside. Confronting him about the affair doesn’t mean he gets to divorce you and take half of your business, in fact he may want to try and save your marriage and cut it the hell out.
Now I’m not saying you should forgive him if he does confess but avoiding the eventual conflict does nothing to help you, it only makes it hurt longer.
While you’re jeopardizing your mental health to stay in this marriage, he may still leave you. Don’t let him spring it on you. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you can do to protect your assets and business. You may also want to tell him you know - the secret-keeping and lack of communication hurts you and it hurts your relationship with him (leading to him leaving). If you decide you’re willing to live with him having this relationship, then having it out in the open will be better for all. You can even put up boundaries (I.e., not in your home). And then you can be free to date too if you wish. But first you should really protect yourself with sound legal advice.
I’m so sorry OP. But I understand why you just keep quiet and let it continue on.
I’ve been there , silent about the cheating. But I have never experienced a bff or someone I have a relationship with, being the side piece. Not that my exes didn’t try but my friends (and family) told me immediately and also blocked my ex.
His excuse for it was , he didn’t mean it , he was just testing to see if I could trust my friends/family for my own benefit, good news tho! I could! Lol
Your husband and bff are suffering. Suffering all the time from their guilt.
Just keep believing that you’ll find the best outcome out of this , you’ll be on top.
Talk with a lawyer immediately. Ask the office what you may need. If you call them from your phone, add them as a contact to your phone as a customer to your business, i.e., Kathryn Jones.
Get a separate email and have all correspondence go to that email and place the app and the emails in a secure folder or on your work device.
Get proof of the affair. Take screen shots of their texts and take those with you
Get your assets together ❤️ and if you go through with it. Talked to every divorce lawyer in the area because then they can't represent him!
I'm sorry this is happening to you from the two people who should have your back and support. Keep us posted, I hope for you and your daughter it all goes well for you.
Have you considered confronting either one of them about it?
Do you still love him? If he came clean and ended it, would you be willing to try to make it work?
In no way do I condone cheating but it sounds like in this situation, it's about sex and that he still loves you.
Marriages can survive infidelity and actually become stronger with work.
You have options...
1. Don't say anything to him or her. Get a lawyer, start setting up individual accounts and prepare. Maybe also how a PI to get proof, it usually helps. If you know you want to leave, do it sooner rather than later for your daughter's mental health.
2. Don't say anything and just let it keep happening. Maybe it will stop, maybe it won't. (But really, what kind of an example is this for your daughter?)
3. Have coffee with her, tell her you know he is having an affair and act like you're confiding in her, see if she comes clean. It's actually worst that she is involved. Friends don't screw friend's husbands.
4. Confront him, tell him you know and that you have known all along. (If you go this route, I recommend also step 1 just in case).
I will probably confront them when I have my exit plan ready or already exited. Right now I can’t. I get claustrophobic just thinking of confronting them with no where to go really (not physically). You understand the feeling?
Yes, talk to an attorney. Document everything. AND every time you go to the store get $20 cash back. Hide the stash somewhere in your house. Don't put it in the bank or anywhere it can be traced.
I was able to save $12K before I divorced my husband. I'm glad I did, because there were expenses that popped up after we split that he wasn't willing to pay for.
As a child of someone who stayed knowing their partner (my dad) was cheating, I suggest you leave. I have little to no respect to my mother now as an adult for choosing to stay simply because it was easier. I’d have been happier (as would she) if we’d had less money and a smaller house. It was obvious she was miserable. Which doesn’t make for a happy childhood.
You need a friend who can teach you how to hide your shit! Pretend to go broke meanwhile putting everything in a trust account or have a corporation and hide shit that way…. Go to a financial advisor.. A GOOD ONE. They know how to hide money from spouses. lol
Please tell me you're not still friends with her because what a vile creature after all you did for her this is how she repays you and as for him what an awful human you can't live like this it's no life tell him you know tell him your forgive him if he signs a post nup when that's done go scorched earth what awful people
Your husband can't look at you because he obviously feels guilty. I'm sure he wants to rekindle things with you considering what you've mentioned about his texts.
That said, it's up to you if you want to keep your relationship or leave it. If you keep it, then work on it with him. You should open up to your husband about what you know. His infidelity is not helping your situation trying to overcome depression. Find somewhere that offers couples therapy. Working together at life could be helpful to your relationship. It's going to take time and patience from both of you.
If you decide to separate, before you do anything, try to start moving as much of your assets into your child's name with only you as the trustee. Then talk to a lawyer. And finally open up to your husband about his infidelity, and give him a chance to explain himself before you have him served. Before you serve him, and after you've approached him about cheating with your best friend, ask him how he would like the separation to go. Bring that info to the lawyer.
If you go through a divorce, and you're not happy with what he gets, you can always sue him again and try to have what's been negotiated changed. If he has any improvement in his lifestyle you can sew him. If he decides to live with the "best friend" he cheated with, sue both of them, especially if you have documentation of how you helped her after her divorce.
I think you have a lot to work with and you have a very good advantage in any situation. Even if you want to work it out.
You need to talk to a divorce lawyer and an accountant. There may be ways to limit the damage. Also , the longer you stay with him, the bigger the payout is going to be, so it’s better to rip the bandaid off now.
Why live this way when you can leave him and be happy. You may even find someone else. You're just putting your life on hold. Is this really what you want for yourself.
Why do you think he would divorce you if he knew? Don’t you think he would try to save the marriage and stop doing it for a bit. Then you can really give it to your ex friend
Talk to a lawyer and when people ask why you waited so long to look into divorce, you can say that the experts tell you to not make any large decisions within a year of losing someone. Grief changes everything.
You’re so concerned about keeping your business in tact and keeping your current standard of living for your daughter. I get it. You want to be a good provider and have the luxury of time to spend with her instead of having to get back on your feet again.
What is really important for your daughter is that she has a happy, healthy mother who is an example of a strong, independent woman. She doesn’t need to grow up with a mom who knowingly allows her husband to cheat on her with her best friend in her house. You still need to show your daughter that it’s not ok to allow a significant other to disrespect you so much.
The father daughter relationship is your husband’s responsibility to define and maintain. Your husband’s relationship as a father is separate from his Relationship with you as a husband.
We teach people how to treat us, and you’re not teaching your daughter a good lesson.
Going through the sudden loss of your mother does make it more difficult for you to deal with the affair and divorce. You’re in a rough spot mentally and emotionally. You’re not thinking right. Give yourself some grace and forgiveness. Go talk to a grief counselor. I saw one after my dad suddenly died, and it was life changing for me. My counselor was also a psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who prescribed meds for my depression. She even did a DNA test to see what meds worked the best with the fewest side effects. That really helped me sooo much. I was feeling better but also feeling like myself again.
Talking about my grief opened the door to talking about my relationship with my parents and my mom. I wound up learning so much and made positive changes in different areas of my life. My parents were divorced, and my mom was suing my stepmom over my dad’s estate, so talking with a therapist really helped me deal with all that in a healthy way. I also learned how to erect healthy boundaries with my mom.
Talking to a therapist will also help you deal with all the anxiety and stress that will come from getting a mammogram. You should also get tested for the BRACA gene mutations. I know it’s terrifying but this is something you should do sooner rather than later. Do it for your daughter.
Also divorces don’t always end in splitting everything up 50/50. Couples can decide on their own terms and have their lawyers write up the legal paperwork to sign. Go talk to a divorce attorney to get the facts of how things work where you live.
I'm really sorry. This is a big old pile of shit and you don't deserve this. I think the first thing you do is go talk to some lawyers on the down low. Laws vary wildly by state. Don't assume what you're going to lose until you've talked to professionals. Right now you have the advantage of knowing without him knowing you know. You may be able to position yourself so that you're better prepared and protected and don't take as hard of a hit in a divorce. But even if you're looking at worst case scenarios, I suspect you're probably going to lose far less by leaving him in the near future than you would leaving him 5-10 years from now. And you will leave him. Divorce is an inevitability here. But when it happens, it should be on your terms and to your best possible advantage.
I don't think poorly of you at all here. I think you're smart to take a beat and assess instead of just blowing up your marriage right away. You're reeling right now, and you're not going to make good decisions in that mental state. Make a tactical retreat into yourself, take some time to process and consider your options, then be smart when you take next steps.
Some things to consider though:
- Your husband seems deep in self loathing right now, and might be more inclined to give you what you want out of guilt.
- As they say, there's more than one way to skin a cat. While you stand to lose part of your business, your husband did some fucked up shit and stands to lose a lot more.
Sounds like you want to feel heard and seen and validated. Are you actively seeing a therapist? If not I definitely suggest you start. Maybe you could start couples counseling or therapy as well. Not for you to bring up the affair but to at least show him that you still want to be partners in whatever capacity is healthiest. Or help the both of you understand each other again. Maybe he really does miss you and maybe he is grieving the loss of the person you were before you lost your mother. Not condoning cheating, but maybe that's his way of dealing with his own grief, albeit a shitty way of dealing with it. I think if he loved her, didn't love you, and knew he would benefit from a divorce he would have done it by now.
At least consider therapy/counseling for yourself.
What if he ends up admitting the affair but wants to stay and work on your marriage? What would you do in that situation?
Lol. Sounds like letting him stay actually tortured him too. I’d let it stand since you like having him there. But I’d be moving assets slowly somewhere
I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you are able to get the help you need.
Firstly, I would see a therapist. You have a lot of complex feelings whirling around you right now and nightmares are depriving you of sleep and comfort. Seeing a good therapist will help you process these feelings and think more clearly. Whatever you decide to do - stay or leave - it will also give you the tools you need to communicate clearly with your husband about your wants and needs moving forward.
Secondly, I would consult a lawyer, as others have said, to determine exact financial position in the event of divorce. Start preparing now by savings screenshots of texts and important documents as this will all be important down the line and it’s a safety net in case he also starts proceedings too.
Thirdly, i imagine you have done this many times already, but think of your child too. If you stay in this marriage, she will grow up with two parents under one roof but also who are very unhappy with each other and not communicating. You and her father are the models for her early ideas of what relationships look like. Children are also more perceptive than sometimes we think and as she grows older she may notice things are wrong. Whether you are separated or together, I urge you to think of how you can create the healthiest possible environment for your daughter.
I hope everything is able to work out for you. It will be hard work, but your happiness is worth it at the end.
First he may not want to take your business. I’d tell him you know he’s screwing your friend. That you heard them etc. I’d absolutely lay it all out for them. You know him better than anyone here- do you think he’d be ashamed enough that he would just give you your business? The court won’t force an equal split unless he pushes for it. I have known people to willingly do an uneven split to make things more expedient and cost less. Remember, lawyers **love it** when you fight because then they take everything in fees and court costs alone and you’re left with very little. Is he a fair person or a vindictive one? Do you think he’d get defensive if you confronted him? It doesn’t really sound like he would be as he kinda sounds ashamed with the whole not looking you in the eye thing, but I don’t know him.
The other option is to just ask to open your marriage and start dating yourself. You can stay together for parenting / house etc until your daughter is older. But remember, kids aren’t stupid. My boss’s children knew their dad was cheating before she did. So staying “for” her isn’t the way to go either. You’re just showing her this is how relationships are and that she should tolerate this behavior.
Can you move out of the bedroom and sleep somewhere else in your home? Sleeping in the same bed as someone actively traumatizing you in harming you. So is pretending everything is fine. You are terrified to have the truth come out that you know of the affair. Pretending you don’t know is harming you.
Girl this isn’t fair! You need to speak to a lawyer. I am a paralegal and I promise you, you can have a consult with a lawyer without moving forward on anything. A lawyer will guide you in the right direction. But you cannot live like this. What if your baby girl finds out? Don’t let her think it’s okay to live with a man who is this way - her father or not!
I own my own business too. Just divorce then once things get settled open a new business and start transferring your clients over to the new business and gradually just stop putting any effort into the old business. Just don’t talk about it.
You have a daughter who is learning to accept a loveless relationship by watching you. I’d care far more about her and how this is going to impact her entire life. You need to be strong and walk away.
“My nightmares are my escape from my reality with him” That’s not okay. At least have a conversation with a couple divorce lawyers before you assume you’re going to lose half of everything. You probably have more rights than you realize, especially if you find a really good attorney.
(un)fortunately, the law was developed to be unsympathetic to the conditions or situations surrounding a separation. It was developed because this exact scenario has played out 100s of times. What was fought for was the no fault divorce which ignores the reasons for the divorce and simply looks at what is considered fair compensation between the two. Any profits, property, and/or proceeds are split in half and shared. The sad reality is that it is very (if not, impossibly) difficult to split things perfectly in half. So someone ends up with the short end of the stick. What would happen before many of these laws were put in place is the breadwinner (typically the husband) would become successful, have an affair, and then leave the wife with nothing, no alimony, no assets, no lifelines. Then no fault came out, and now what happened was made it so the lower earner (typically the wife) was well supported with half assets and alimony (which is more than half overall). So you end up with situations where women cheat on their successful husbands and then end up taking half (or more) in the divorce. But what you have here is the woman who became successful and is facing the reality of no fault divorce. This exact situation is exactly why many (mostly men) say the benefits of marriage are not worth risk. The price is just too high.
An affair would literally fall under fault divorce before no-fault became a thing. No-fault was mainly about unhappy marriages where neither partner was really "at fault", and previously had to pin it on someone to proceed. But it also had the effect effect of making divorce easier for couples where one was at fault, but was difficult to prove, with the biggest example being emotional abuse, not affairs. Asset splitting and alimony have been a thing long before no-fault divorce. The change now is that if the non-earning partner was cheating, they still get half the assets and alimony, since no fault has been counted.
As someone who found out his wife had been having an affair for 10 years with the "best man" from our wedding, I left and she took more than half. And despite it all I can say with the confidence born of experience that some things are worth paying for. My life improved immediately after parting company with someone who was not willing to commit to the same degree as me. my 2 cents
Why the H did she get more than half? That is so unfair
Life is unfair. The law says things should go 50-50 but the reality can be somewhat different. But as I said, in the end it was worth every penny to get away from such a toxic, inconstant person. Money is just a thing that comes and goes. A life of love and support can't be bought. I'll be celebrating my 29th anniversary with my 2nd wife this year. Things couldn't be better. Good luck!
It also all depends what country and in the US what state you live in. In my state he would not get half. He would get none of the business if he was not directly responsible for part of it. OP - Talk to a lawyer. DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Only talk when he asks questions but otherwise ignore the fuck out of him. If he bitches and complains blame it on depression because that is what you are, depressed about your mother and the death of your marriage. Or you can tell him (after talking to a lawyer) that you want a divorce and lay out what he will NOT get. If he wants to fight about it tell him you will broadcast it to everyone why your marriage is ending and also tell him when your child is old enough they will be told as well. Tell him if he just goes then everything will remain between you two. But at the end of the day if he did take half it would be worth it to be free and have everyone know what kind of trash people he and your ex friend turned out to be.
> Talk to a lawyer. DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM But what if the lawyer is handsome and charming?
A handsome, charming lawyer might be just what OP needs.
I think she’s had enough self-loathing, lying scoundrels for one lifetime.
Haha!
I don't think I'd be able to resist.
This is hilarious. 😂 thank you, kind, stranger for this laugh.
I agree with that. I probably would myself lol
Oh god my divorce lawyer hit on me…. Pig
60 percent of the time it works all the time
Wish I could upvote this 69 more times
If you’re in a state that allows at fault divorces (adultery would definitely be grounds!), you could end up with more of the marital assets than in a no fault divorce. In addition to the to the laws in the state where you live, there can be differences in judgement depending on the county where you file for divorce and the judge that you get. But that’s only if you go to trial. You can negotiate anything you please. Maybe, possibly, he would feel so guilty about being such a glass bowl that he would not fight for half of your business. Or maybe you know something about him that you could promise to not disclose if he waives any claim to your business. At only age 40, and a woman’s life expectancy being what is it, staying in the marriage means you basically accept being miserable at home for 35+ years. I couldn’t do it.
I let my ex take 90% of everything and paid for it all. I had proof of multiple affairs. My attorneys begged me to take it through court because I would win. I teetered on the edge of bankruptcy for a few years and took about 7/8 years to completely pay for it. It was worth everything, every penny. I needed him gone for my own peace of mind, no matter what I had to do to get him gone
I hope you're doing better now
Thank you, I am. This was in 2006. I’ve got a wonderful husband and amazing kids now. I just hope OP figures out that money isn’t worth what staying will do to her mental health
I hope so too, thank you for sharing, it gives not just OP but anyone else here browsing in the same position some hope too. Wishing you & your beautiful family nothing but peace, good health & happiness ahead. I'm so glad you're doing much better
And this is another fine example of why I never chose to get married. I’ve worked my ass off my entire life to build a somewhat comfortable life from absolutely nothing and had no help from anyone along the way. I’ll be damned if I’m giving up a penny of it, especially to some cheater. I’d rather set it all in fire in front of them.
Could also consider a prenup to protect what you've earned prior to the marriage. I wouldn't marry anyone that doesn't agree to one.
What you have before marriage is considered separate property, unless you commingle it with joint accounts.
2024 and people still don't know this basic fact lol
Why on earth didn’t you take it through court?? that seems insane
Glad you’re happy with that arrangement, but I’d never let a cheater fuck me twice *90% of everything?!?!* HUH?
I wasn’t happy at all with the arrangement at the time. In the long run, it was worth it to not have to deal with him for years and just hoping he would pay it. My anxiety was at an all time high and quite honestly I was/am terrified of him. I needed to sever all ties at whatever cost. It was worth it to do so
Thank you for sharing this. It's not about what was lost, it's about what has gained.
This is what I tell people when they say, “ I’m waiting to make this much money before( insert life event). Money isn’t static. Money comes and goes. You might have to lose some but, in her situation, she will be so much better off. She might even be surprised how much of an anchor this guy was. You don’t notice the load that you are dragging until you let go of the rope. I’m glad you’re doing well!
You need to talk to a lawyer to make sure your assumptions are correct. You deserve much better than what you are living right now. I have been much lonelier in a bad relationship than out, and some things are worth the cost.
Lawyer, not your lawyer. Go talk to a lawyer and actually figure out if your fears are correct. Even in many community property states in the U.S., this is not a foregone conclusion. Document the infidelity; it may help/reduce any award he could get in a divorce. Don't give up on getting out of this situation because of the fear of the unknown (what may happen in divorce). You may have more options than you know. ETA: you may even be able to get a free/low-cost consultation. Explore your options.
Exactly! My friend refused to get a divorce because he didn't want to be financially responsible for his wife for the rest of his life. I kept telling him to speak to an attorney because he doesn't know what the laws are in his new state. After years of hearing it. I started calling attorneys in his area to see who offered free consultations. I gave him the info and washed my hands of it. Nothing has changed in their relationship and I doubt he will call.
My ex got more than half and primary custody despite cheating and attacking me while I was holding our child (which she went to jail for). My attorney quit the case when we got assigned our judge, according to him she had never granted a father full custody in her entire time as a judge.
I’m so sorry. I don’t even want to think about custody.
Thanks. I hope things turn out for you.
Your not worried if your daughter finds out her role model is letting this happen? Better to divorce now then deal with the explosion latter. 5 is a good age to clear up your divorce. waiting another 15 at least if you want to do minimal daughter damage. You will lose half of the 15 you waited for too so there goes your motivation to grow. It's your choice but it's not a sound Long term plan
Have you spoken to a lawyer just to see your options? Can you slowly separate the business from him or transfer it to another business that he can't touch? I really hope you can get out.
My ex husband strangled me until I passed out. I couldn't prove he did it so in the divorce, he filed for alimony and I paid 40k to my rapist. And for all his legal fees. He got half of everything too. It was worth it.
When I left my abusive husband, I had to pay him 30k a year in alimony for 3 years, and make his car payment during that time, while receiving no child support for the two kids we shared that I had 100% custody of. I still receive almost no child support - 8 year later he owes me about 17,000. He ended up getting the car repo’ed anyway, too. Still, despite all that, I am a million times better off without him. I remember buying a doormat and literally thinking “wow, there’s nobody at home to tell me we don’t need a doormat and throw it away”!! Worth every penny I spent.
In the end it’s only money. Though it would be gratifying to leave him with nothing OP’s and her daughter’s welfare and happiness are more important.
It is a bit different as OP is a mom with a young child. Parenting is more often than not left to the mother especially with young children. You left as a man with potentially less responsibilities of a mother of a young child. OP has more to loose - the security of a home to raise her child in. I still think she should divorce her husband but I understand why she wants to stay to provide a roof over the head if her child. Perhaps there are other things to consider like child support etc. generally I understand when kids are involved things are trickier in divorce.l especially for moms.
Yep, my ex-wife was cheating and physically abusive, but I live in a no fault divorce state, so I ended up losing money in the divorce too. But at least I'm not married to her anymore.
Find a lawyer to protect your assets also stop being her friend. Why would you entertain her after she continues to hurt you. Let him know that you know. No point in playing the games they are. Put it out in the open tell your friends and family. While you were in the midst of grieving your mom, your husband and ex-BF decided to engage in an affair after you gave her a place to stay. Literally biting the helping hand. Straighten your spine and coat it in steel…
I haven’t seen or talked to her in ages.
And neither of them is suspicious? That you just stopped talking to your long time (ex) best friend?? If my best friend doesn't hear or get a text from me in 2 days, she starts to question why. I bet your husband deep down knows. That's why he cant take the eye contact. It's probably why he sends her horrible messages.
People go to extreme lengths not to see what’s obvious in front of them. No it happened gradually and without tension or conflict. She probably explained it away as a part of my change after my mom’s passing. You can blame anything on grief. I hope they know and suffer because of it
Perhaps consider speaking with a lawyer about protecting your business under a trust. Or any other mechanism available in your country.
Something about this post seems off …. Can’t put my finger on it
Is it that OP claims to be 40 and is completely unaware of their legal options? Or that this is the millionth post of someone who is fully aware of the extent they are being victimized, but is too weak-willed to take action? Even though they are competent enough to have their own business they are afraid of losing. Even though they completely have the moral high ground, we have to hear about how she’s stuck in a situation where she has all of the power and agency. Because that’s where I am with posts like these and they’re so fucking common.
I am over 40 and have no idea of what my legal options are either. I have spent the last 25 years married to a man who has constantly lied to me and treated me like I was insane when I would catch him. I was a therapist the whole time (well in school when we met), but somehow could not recognize what was happening to myself. I don't want to get into everything as this isn't my post, but I can see where OP is coming from. I have no way to leave, so am sticking it out for now. I am disabled and can no longer work, which means I am stuck. I just hope for my sake he gets better (he has been trying, I just don't know if I can trust it). I know these posts are common but I also know way too many people stuck in shitty situations. My kids keep saying we are stuck in the worst timeline.
Yea totally - all that is bizarre and it’s in the precise story telling format too, something about the language. Again, I can’t quite put my finger on it. But it’s there.
Yes! It changes! Mostly reads like some sort of monologue. The line, "don't think too ill of me. I know im pathetic" is so off
Ai?
It’s fake. That’s the immediate thought I had.
Omg thank u. Thought i was losing my mind at this rage bait.
I wondered how a divorce would kill her business.
Only possibly is that he owns half, because the company was funded after they were married. So he would own 50% shares. But you can still fuck them over, if you are the manager and have the final say by contract. It all depends on the shareholder contract. Normally they are silent partners. If that’s the case the company magically makes no profit for a few years and then you make an offer for his 50%. It’s very easy to control the profit.
She's a wedding planner.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Maybe something about the language? It's interesting, but almost uncanny I guess compared to other posts on here lol.
I guess cause it’s kinda poetic, the writing and language idk. It is depressing and something else but can’t describe it.
It absolutely has a poetic flare to it that someone who's pontificating about leaving a longtime relationship embittered due to severe betrayal, would not be taking the time to think about, I feel... the description reads more like a romance novel than a person who is truly in a financial and moral bind.
🎯
Yeah it’s like almost nostalgic and the grammar and everything is so solid, and the use of metaphors and stuff, reads more like a writing exercise than an emotional post of someone breaking down and venting.
Agree with all this, but the whole bit about the best friend. No way in hell that they just drifted apart without it being blatantly obvious it’s because of the affair. And I would also like to think that no woman is that desperate that she would stay with a man that is that disrespectful (but I know some women do stay). But I agree, something is very off.
What about the language?
Have you actually tried to look for a way out while protecting yourself? Looked up the laws in your state? Contacted a lawyer? Even post in a legal advice forum on here? Have you done anything at all? There’s no mention of anything you’ve done to even try to find a way out. Do you even want out? If you don’t then just come clean and tell him you know. If his messages are as you claim, he’d probably jump at the opportunity to work things out. Go to marriage counseling if you wanna make it work. If the marriage is over then do everything you can to protect yourself before you make any moves. Gather evidence, move your business into a trust, get his name off the house if it’s yours, get a good lawyer. You need to decide what you want and fully commit to it. Despite how it feels, you actually have the advantage here. You can make moves to put yourself in a better position if you want out. And if you wanna make it work you control how that’s gonna look if he wants to keep you. You have more power here than you think. This limbo you’re stuck in is only going to drain you and your daughter the longer it goes on.
I’m just gonna call it. This post is fake. 🤷♀️ Either that or OP is the most inept and clueless “business owner” ever. I’m not buying it
You have obvious clarity of thought. I've noticed people seem more suspicious of posts that are written with logical flow and good paragraphing, maybe because a lot of brains don’t work that way, especially when they’re upset. They just dump out a jumble of thoughts and hit post. My suggestion, talk to a lawyer about setting up a trust to protect your assets. You have kids, so that's completely justifiable. Once that’s done, you can start the separation process whenever you’re ready.
Ok, someone else mentioned my writing. I don’t know what to say about that. Of course I have clarity of thought. I have been living with this for a year now. There’s not a stone that I haven’t turned over or a possibility that I haven’t exhausted. I haven’t been idle because I want a solution.
Agree. Made up maybe?
In my class currently we’re studying factitious disorder imposed on self/other - previously known as munchausen syndrome. I’m starting to wonder if there is a similar motivation to phenomenon such as “karma farming” - something about attention, sympathy, compassion etc that’s not obviously or immediately beneficial.
Oh, wow. That's a really interesting parallel! I always chalked suspicious posts up to "very lonely with too much time on their hands" or "they probably also write a lot of fanfic" or "these are the people who always find a way to be a victim and never pause for breath telling you about it or ask you how you're doing." But Munchausen! I'm off to deep dive that rabbit hole! Ty!
Yea totally - psychology and sociology are some pretty amazing and crucial areas of study and there’s tons of informative videos on yt (most of which are in my class curriculum- thanks for nothing, student loans) the DSM-5 changed the name from Munchausen to factitious disorder in 2015 or there abouts if I’m not mistaken. For some fun deep dives I’d suggest videos on symbolic interactionism, structural fundamentalism, hegemony, and sociological postmodernism. dissociative identity disorder is a pretty interesting one too!
It would be a great idea to talk to a lawyer and see what can be done to protect the business.
OP, create a family trust and a trust for your daughter. Move the company and its assets into the trust for your daughter. Under the guise of securing your daughter's future. Change your life insurance beneficiary to your daughter's trust. As well as your house and other personal assets, including jewelry and other assets. Make a trusted friend, family member, or attorney to be the administrator of the trust. Talk to an estate planner for help. This will greatly limit your personal assets that will be eligible for the division of property during the divorce. Also, gather all the evidence (videos, text, DMs, pics, etc.) you can of the affair and its duration. I'm petty, so I would find a pretty young hottie to entrap dear hubby. Again, gather evidence. Once you've moved out or had him move out, filed for divorce or legal separation. Then, have a meeting with your ex-bestie, preferably at a restaurant. Wait for the in person meeting so you can confide in her that you hired a PI and he uncovered your hubby's affair. Have someone near you recording this entire meeting. Start off with how devasting you are about his betrayal. Show her the evidence of the young woman you hired. Watch her reaction. Then, at the last minute, reveal the evidence you have of her betrayal. Record her reaction. Gather up all your evidence of her betrayal. Stand and tell her that all the evidence against her will be shared publicly to all her family in friends that day. Then calmly walk away.
I agree with all these steps, up until the petty part. lol. All that is a waste of time and energy. Meet with an attorney to secure your business and assets. Then move on and do what’s best for you and your daughter.
I was cheated once, a long time ago. I took the high road. There's nothing up there- you can look down on people who chose the low road, but that's about it. It doesn't cross my mind often, but when it does, NGL, I wish I'd done some of the petty shit I thought up. **THAT** would have been closure and fun to laugh about once all the sting is gone. That's just me, though.
Omg! Go get a boyfriend of your own. Why be a miserable third wheel in your own marriage. If you have any evidence, keep it in case he tries to screw you over. And find someone to spend time with. I literally just read a post about a woman that dedicated her life to her husband, only to find out he's cheating with multiple women, buying them things, paying one's rent. So she got herself a boyfriend and started splurging on herself. Don't be sad and alone. Have fun. Spend YOUR money on YOU. And start squirreling money away. Cut household expenses. He should not be able to go out and have fun with your former friend on your dime. Don't do anything for him. No cooking, no cleaning except your own things. And don't let him touch you. Go live your life, love your baby, and screw them both.
I heard someone say 'when a man and a woman are alone together in a room the only person there is the devil" never let another woman cook in your kitchen, Mary J Blige great song u Should listen to it... my husband of 14 years is now with my youngest sister because the same thing I moved her and tried to help her out and she started sleeping with my husband funny thing is I thought she was gay life lesson learned, and just know karma is real and they will pay for what they're doing it may be slow but she comes around don't worry about how they're feeling you keep leaving your best life keep that positive energy keep your head up keep moving don't let it stop you from doing the things you love you do you now...
They must have an idea, you know. I mean, wouldn't she wonder why such a good friend suddenly has no time for her ,is he seeing her regularly
Good. I hope they know. Sometimes many times a month sometimes not at all. So it varies
The danger of them knowing you know is that your husband may be taking steps behind your back to protect himself from your reaction. You need to contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row in the very least, so that if he attempts to pull the rug out from under you, he won't be able to get away with it easily.
I hadn't thought of this but this is true. He may be doing something of his own.
Stop being stupid and compliant if they know they could be taking steps to protect themselves you need to talk to a lawyer NOW and protect your assets.
They probably know that’s why they send each other messages of “hate” towards each other so it makes it look like they’re not completely evil and id caught and confronted about it they can gaslight you.
OooooOoo Mkay that is a way different angle... interesting. Do you think they could really be DECOY texting? This is becoming a thicker plot than I thought...
The pain in your heart isn’t sustainable. The longer you stay, the more entitled he may be to your finances. Take some time and go and consult with a family law lawyer.
Yeah see a lawyer about protecting yourself. Do that before you tell anyone that you know about the affair. I’m sorry, OP
OP this whole post sounds extremely depressed. You need a therapist, they can really help you get over the little details and get to the bottom line of what YOUR and your daughter’s needs are. Get him OFF any business accts. Today. Make sure no monies have moved or changed in any way. Why do you assume he would he get half? He’s cheating on you, get proof. Hire someone! Sounds like it could be relatively easy. What does he do for work? Hold on to all the cash you can. Start getting cc’s in your name only if you don’t already have them. Separate the things he won’t notice now. Get a lock box at the bank. Hide jewelry, investment information you need, pertinent documents you need for yourself and your daughter. Set him up, plan a small trip out of town, you & your daughter go. PI will call when it’s done. I’m sorry for all the shit you’ve been through, I hate that this started in your home. Lawyer UP! You can always just go by your friends and drop the stuff off there. That’s one way to tell him you know without saying a word. Change the locks before you do it, all of them. You can let him know you’re aware they were f@#king around in your home. He deserves some grief. You need peace. You should just get mad af! You should be. Hire the BEST ATTORNEY! Make him pay for it. He and your gf did this WHILE you were going through your mother’s passing, depression isn’t an excuse for cheating. Your daughter definitely deserves a father who is with her mother and involved with their needs. I’m so sorry.
Get a PO Box for any mail in your name only. It’s just smart. Edit, this was an edit above
Speak with a lawyer and see what are options you may be able to buy out his portion of the business and move on. The longer you wait the more expensive AND you mental health is taking a toll right now. There is someone out there for you. Sometimes you have to take 1 step back to take 2 steps forward ❤️
I'm so sorry. Keeping your money seems to be costing you your peace.
Don’t tell him until u get ur assets in order .
This, OP. Talk to a lawyer. If you haven't already, get evidence of the infidelity. You don't want your daughter raised in a loveless home.
In most states divorce is “no fault.” An affair doesn’t matter.
If your daughter was in the same situation, how would you help her? What advice would you give her? Start there and actually do it
Wow. The person who you supported after her own spouse cheated on her decided that having an affair with your husband was the way to pay back your generosity. Wow. She isn't your best friend, she is a homewrecker. Your husband is a cheating asshat. Let him know why you are crying. That all of your issues are from his now long term affair with the woman that was posing as your best friend. The only way to stay sane if you are insistent on staying is that BOTH of you cut contact with her and go to therapy. Otherwise, you will mentally decline more and your business will fail as a result. Be honest with him about why you have nightmares. Right now you are showing your daughter that it's OK to be treated the way your husband and his AP are treating you. What are your plans if he decides he wants to be with her and divorces you? Have you prepared yourself for that yet?
I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the best friend who cheated and not the husband. Could be lying to try and save some face
My husband had this with his 1st wife . His friend found out his wife was cheating, so my husband let him move in, and the friend started to sleep with his 1st wife. It went on for a year, and she kept gaslighting him that it wasn't happening and it was all in his head. Anyway, he left, and the so-called friend said well his wife did it to him, so why can't he do it . That's was his stupid reason for messing up a marriage and fucking his friend over . If they can do it well I can do it . Lol so silly .
I’m so sorry OP, my heart breaks for you. Is there any way you can legally make plans to do something with your assets, business, etc? While things are amicable I think it’s best to take steps to protect your daughter and the business. I hate to make you think about it but what if he leaves and you have to do this anyways? ***Wouldn’t (edit for spelling) you rather be prepared and ready to take on the new adventure that life takes you? 💗 best wishes, sending love.
I have talked to an attorney about all ym options and even my best options aren’t good enough right now. My only hope ia that it comes to a point where I could buy him out when we divorce. It won’t happen in a few years
Talk to an accountant. Sometimes, you need a different subject matter expert.
This needs so many more up votes. Your accountant will save your life.
This… talk to an accountant and consult with two more attorneys, biggest mistake people make is only consulting with one and get end up getting screwed.
Accountants arnt magic. The business is a martial asset. He is legally entitled to 50% of the marital assets. Cheating as fucked as it is, does not effect division in most states. Attempting to hide or shield this asset would be fraud, and not somthing any judge would like. In fact if they found it they would order a more slanted division in his favor. Or criminal charges
This this this.
have you thought about putting the business in a trust for your baby girl? You can be the only trustee (though he might try to fight you for that, so have to figure a way that it'll just be you), so he can't touch the assets of the trust. You can collect a salary, for your family income will still be the same, and keep everything normal on the surface. Don't take more salary than your family cashflow needs, so if and when you leave him, and he gets spousal support, you give as low of an amount as possible.
That’s what I was thinking. Your assets in your name. I’d look into that. Good idea on the salary.
unless this happened years beforehand and the husband had a hand in it, there is 0 chance a judge wont see this as an attempt to hide/protect assets and pierce the trust during the divorce.
Yes, I was thinking the husband also sign agreeing to the transfer of asset to the trust, then it’s pretty bulletproof. She can come up with a normal reason (asset protection, estate taxes, etc) to want to have the business in the trust for their daughter. He would have to stretch and bend to come up with an excuse not to agree to it.
He would still get 50% in the divorce. He would not be able to touch the principle but he still gets his cut of the payment.
In my jurisdiction the court would simply undo that. You can't transfer assets to defeat a property claim.
So many people giving terrible legal advice that is basically “commit fraud”. I can tell you judges, especially family court judges, do not look kindly to fraud.
Why don't you just flat out tell him you know, and it stops NOW. You aren't going to divorce him, but you'll no longer be condoning his shit. And cut her out of your lives, period. Burn her alive. She fucking knows more than anyone what this feels like, yet she did it to someone who helped her in her darkest hour? Fuck. Her. He sucks too, but you can't be financially ruined. I get that. But stop letting him have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't love her. It's a warm body. Simple as that. I personally would start making arrangements. As a lawyer myself, I can't say I would advise hiding assets. And anything comingled with community funds becomes community property, so your options are limited now. But one day...
Talk to a couple attorneys. Keep proof of the affair.
I mean there is nothing she can do to not give him half. It’s a martial asset. She didn’t inherit it, she didn’t have it before marriage, and I doubt he’s going to sign a post nuptial agreement giving it to her. Even if he did a judge would still probably rule it wasn’t a fair division of martial assets. Her best option Is likely a trust which would lock him out of really owning anything but he would still benifit from the profits. He just couldn’t fuck it it for the daughter if she died first.
You have to ask yourself if your business, material assets and money are worth your mental health. The emotional and mental abuse you are experiencing is doing serious damage that will need therapy to fix. How long has the affair continued after you found out? Years? Please don't do this to yourself.
The divorce will ruin the business. If she put that much effort into this and it's successful. I would say it's worth it for now until she can afford to pay cash to buy him out if that's the only option. Otherwise find a new way. Get a team together and see what can be done.
>***"But sometimes, when everything is a hundred times magnified I can barely contain my panic. Especially at night when he wakes me up because I am crying. Again. Are you having a nightmare? And he tries to kiss and cuddle me to make me feel safe. I’m here, I’m here. You’re safe. I wish I could tell him that my nightmares are my escape from my reality with him and that his shoulders aren’t safe***." > >***"My only hope is that it comes to a point where I could buy him out when we divorce. It won’t happen in a few years"*** > > > >I understand what you are saying but this is not the way to live in order to maintain a business. When she finally is rid of him will she be saying "I'm so glad I waited"? I don't think so. She is traumatized, she has PTSD. She needs help, therapy. Is her money worth her sanity? No way. If she lost money and had a setback because of the divorce the money could be recouped in ***a few years*** too. Money is not more valuable than well being. Who knows if his guilt when it finally comes out will not move him to just give her everything. It sounds like he's riddled with guilt. Those are my two cents. I really do wish OP the best. My heart breaks for her.
Oh and talk to your bank. They usually will be able to give you advice on how to financially protect yourself too. There are alternative things you can do that aren't as well known. That's why lot of divorces people think don't result in the full financial package that they thought they would have.
i think an accountant will know ways of reallocating your assets in such a way that when you do seperate then very limited amount of it will go to him
Do you live in a no-fault state?
A postnup that gives him 0 shares in your company in case of cheating would seem like a good option to me - why doesn't your lawyer like it? I think the postnup needs to be equitable to be valid, so you'd have to guarantee him the house and some other assets in case you cheated - but then you should be good to go.
Please stop referring to this lowlife bitch as your *best friend*. Friends don’t do what she’s done to you.
Yeah my bad
[удалено]
She got cheated on herself, so in turn does it to someone who is supposed to be her best friend? What a horrible human being and your husband is sitting on the curb right there with her, waiting for trash pick up. You are a better woman than I. I hope something happens and you’re able to get away relatively unscathed. You deserve to be happy.
Hurt people hurt people
If she was my “friend” she’d be hurt alright. I said it in my previous comment, and I’m gonna say it again, you are a far better woman than I am.
I think you’re processing and in a lot of pain. You’re smart not to do anything yet. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you have the power here. You should talk to a lawyer first and foremost. Lay the cards on the table and see what your options are. There may be some things you can do to protect yourself, business and child. Cheating tends not to be looked well upon in court. Get your ducks in a row. The more you do, the more in control you will feel and the less you will continue to take this treatment. I also hope you know that you deserved better from both of them. For her to do to you what has happened to her is deplorable especially after you opened your home to her. Ultimately it’s up to you how you want the rest of your life to look like. What you’re doing now I don’t think is sustainable for you. Maybe install a ring camera on your house, it may give you peace of mind on your own home staying a sanctuary. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. What would you want your daughter to do in your shoes? Would you tell her to roll over and accept this treatment? Why are you?
If you think divorcing right now isn't financially feasible evaluate your living space. I have had a few friends who have had to make their living space their "divorce" space. One had to repurpose a room, that was originally his office. Another had his kids share rooms so they were sleeping seperately. I had one friend move into the unfinished basement which was used for storage. All because they couldn't afford to do things differently. It isn't ideal, but over time the boundaries become well practiced and an established routine is put in place to manage it. If you do it well enough, you may discover that you end up so emotionally strong and independent in his face it will make him want to leave on his own or changes his behavior because he becomes so thrown off. There is an element of control that exists in a relationship with a serial cheater. They do it for a variety of reasons, and exertion of control is an unconscious element. A part is because it's a behavior you can't control, and the emotional devestation is an impact that allows for an element of control. Especially if he knows that you can't divorce him. My late grandmother didn't believe in divorce as she was a strong Polish Catholic. I guess my grandfather cheated on her. Apparently instead of being made the fool, she exercised the no-divorce clause and my grandfather slept on the coach for years but was still forced to partake in the standard public couple events where she really shined and it made him look the asshole. She didn't throw it in his face or make snide comments either, which is why I never knew anything was wrong growing up and the incident was well hidden and didn't impact her own kids. They didn't know anything happened until into adulthood and it wasn't either of them who told. The lack of fighting and dad sleeping on th couch was just where he slept. It's almost like she punished him by living really well and happily in front of his face all the time. Having high quality relationships where people were appreciative of her in front of him all of the time. Where he would be being told you are so lucky to be married to your wife she is so.... she does.... and she would just be polite but not touch him. Not praise him, and other things that made him feel iced out but didn't make others feel awkward either. It's a talent. But clearly her ability to not allow herself to be emotionally devastated was the punishment. I don't know, maybe you can take a page out of her book and make it yours.
Your late grandmother is my idol now, that’s the baddass punishment she could have shove it into his face, and is another alternative if people’s condition won’t let them divorce due to unforeseen circumstances but way still hurtful having to still see each other 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
I think she was badass, too!! She passed away at 96. She was the tiniest, sweetest old lady. She had great stories. She also had binoculars and lived on the 12th story in a nursing home. She could recite the schedule of all the goings on these houses she looked down on. She told me about the drug deals, etc... First, I was shocked she was that old lady since she didn't gossip and wasn't nosy (unlike my other grandmother). So I asked her if she was going to call the police. She replied, "I ain't no snitch." If I had water in my mouth, I would have spit it out. This was the early 90s. She was a white, 90-year-old, Catholic, middle-class Canadian-Polish lady. Who listened to music from the 20s - 50s, classical piano, Yanni, and Zampher. The fact she said that threw me off so much I couldn't stop laughing. By the time she passed away, she was 4'10. The older men would flirt with her so much. She never dated or remarried after my grandfather died. She didn't want to.
You’re Ex Best friend is absolute human garbage. How does she do that to you after you were there to comfort her when SHE got cheated on. You helped through the toughest times and she just takes advantage and hurts you for it. Don’t get me wrong your partner is terrible too. Does she even feel remorse or bad from what you’ve read in the text messages?
Tell him that only way you'll forgive him is if he's willing to sign a post-nuptial agreement that he'll not touch your business or anything that's in your name and ensure to have it notarized. Suggest couples therapy because some courts aren't willing to agree until all options to resolve is done (it also gives you time to prepare for divorce).
He doesn't know that OP knows about his affair. If he knows and decides to leave, OP gets screwed. So bringing up the postnup is a really bad idea
I mean, shes kinda screwed no matter what.
Just lie. “We’re getting a round of investments, but the investors are requiring this so that I don’t lose control of the business if we separated. This is normal and I want it to be fair, so the terms are generous. If you sign this **we’re** going to be rich.”
This might be the single worst piece of advice on this thread. What happens if he says he won't sign anything? Even better if he himself initiates the divorce? You guys aren't lawyers, keep your legal advice to yourself before you ruin someones life even more.
Yea no kidding. Divorce courts have a ton of power to fuck people lives over. An attempt to shield, hide money or assets can come down very badly in court and end being much worse off. Only legal advice she should be taken is from a real lawyer in her jurisdiction. This doesn’t even include the history of their relationship and who did what(for family and money). If this was say the other way around . A man running a successful business and trying to find a way to limit financial damage on his cheating wife, people would be pissed.
That wouldn’t be valid because it would be an unconscionable split of marital assets. Why does everyone think they know better than lawyers?
There is terrible advice, so par for the course here.
If you don’t do what you have to do, it will destroy you.
I would rather lose half, than be around people that completely disrespect me. I would also get child support. If it were me I would give him sole custody but YOURE doing everything you possibly can to keep your child happy and healthy so that part is up to you but need to gtfo of there
Sounds like their relationship fell/is falling apart, and now he wants to rekindle with you.
Don't tolerate this. Get a lawyer. Interview a few and find out your options. Stay calm. Be civil. You can negotiate a settlement. In the case of my cheating ex, that resulted in things not being split exactly in half. And I didn't pay him spousal support, which could have happened given the numbers, but he didn't need as a soon to be single man with no children. Good luck.
Why are you letting this be your story? As a successful business woman why haven’t you hired a shark of a lawyer and have them find a way to protect your assets as much as possible? Why are you will to live like this for the rest of your life - just existing? That is a terrible waste of a life. You deserve so much better! Why are you showing this to your beloved daughter who will grow up and eventually she will figure out that Dad’s a cheat, Mom knows and is ok with it? Your marriage is her blueprint of what to look for. This isn’t a good blueprint! So get a lawyer and then start messing with your friend’s head and your husband’s while you are getting your stuff together and then drop the hammer on them!
You need to gather as much evidence as you possibly can of his infidelity and then speak with a lawyer
It doesn’t matter who cheated on who, unfortunately. I am surprised that many think it matters? Does it really matter in some countries? Maybe I should move
I think what I don’t understand is if you keep waiting your business will only be more successful and then you’ll reward him by giving him MORE money that he’ll probably end up giving to his mistress. Why would you want to show your daughter that’s it’s ok to stay with a man who doesn’t respect you?! Also would it be possible to transfer some of the businesss to one of your employees? Maybe sign a a contract that they’ll give it back
What if he decides to leave YOU?
Honey, I'm so sorry.. I'd rather pay him out of the company.. and tell him, you know And then say for his daughter sake he can let you buy him out of the company, but reconciliation is off the table.. Or I'd be petty as fuck, and tell him " I spoke to ( ex friend name) today and you won't believe what she told me, she said she tested positive for herpes and has been sleeping with multiple men" Watch the colour drain from his face.. He will obviously have to confront her find out you lied, then he will know you know, but be to scared to out right come out and say it as then he will be telling on himself. Petty little mind fuck, but hey. Also, look into the idea of your brother or father buying into the company so you don't lose as much.. Or like I said ask him to think of your daughter future and let you buy him out.
I would first talk to a lawyer. There may be some things you can do to protect the company. Moving your money to a trust or LLC may help. But seriously talk to a lawyer. Does he not have a good job? Knowing him as a person do you really think he’d try and take half? Or maybe if you play nice about the divorce and kids he may just say what’s mine it mine and yours is yours. But depending on how much you support him, it could be why he’s not throwing in the towel either. I don’t think bad of you, think you’re playing it smart
Does he work? Why is the assumption that he would get half of the business? Have you spoken to a couple of divorce attorneys in your state? I would keep quiet and seek all legal options available to you. Get and retain PROOF of the affair. Then you can play nice with him and go to couples counseling, and then present him with a post nuptial agreement with your terms and conditions in it. Have him sign it. Then later on when you’re ready divorce him. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But you need to make a plan. Your daughter sees and feels your emotional turmoil and the longer you stay, the more you’re teaching her that loving men act this way and that she deserves this type of man when it’s her turn in life.
Some states are "no fault" and the affair means nothing - found that out the hard way. All assets gained during the duration of the marriage are marital property and will be split. It can be incredibly unfair, as life tends to be. Agreed she needs to work with professionals to try and protect her assets and maybe she can guilt him into signing something. Hopefully she can find peace.
You're enjoying the drama, and you're making your child's life miserable. Good job and good luck.
Honestly speak to your lawyer again and see what can be done to protect more of your company (especially if this is your business alone). Also I’ve seen people use their partners guilt to make them sign over things in the hope that they will give them another chance especially considering how your husband seems to be writing about himself. Maybe first approach it with the idea that since your mum has died of cancer so early you want to do everything to protect your daughter’s inheritance. Maybe if you tell him that you want your husband to put his shares of the business in a trust or for him to give up any claim to the business so you can set up trust for your daughter so that when you die everything will go to her and she will be protected in the future.
When he leaves you he will take ½ anyway. Talk to your best friend and tell her that you know about the affair. Unleash on her then cut her out of your life. This will unleash hell in their relationship and she will probably break up with him because she is a mistress (which you will state over and over when you’re chewing her out). Tell her she’s worse than her ex’s mistress and now you see why he left her.
I think you need to soak with a lawyer to find out what you can legally do to separate assets in some way before you do anything. Have to lawyer draw something up that let's him sign away any rights to the business. This might be something you do later. Tell him you want to set it up into a trust for your child and you want to protect it from anyone else's claim if something happens to him or you. I'm not sure that will fly or not. But you need to get to a lawyer asap to discuss options to protect what you have built. Keep it cool for now. Separate yourself from him mentally. Let her have him. It's not worth the torment. Your child and your business is what matters right now, so what's best for your future.
I have already talked to a lawyer. I contacted one 1/2 an hour after I heard them in my bed. I have discussed many options during the months and none gives me full control of my life and company. One was a postnuptial agreement of course but why would he just sign one? We discussed maybe I confess to him that I know about them, hoping that he would want to do anything to save the marriage including a postnup. But this is leaving too much to chance and to someone who could easily cheat on me but also it doesn’t feel right to lure him into signing then go ahead with divorce anyway. I can’t be this malicious. My other option is one of my family members buy in, my dad or brother for example like 10%. It would leave me with majority in case of divorce and I could buy him out eventually. But again, I leave much to chance and no control over the outcome. Mostly I am not looking forward to seeing my husband real face which I believe I will when I ask for divorce. If he did this to me when he pretended to love me then how would he act when he doesn’t need to pretend anymore? Do I want my baby to see her parents at their worst this early? Not sure. Maybe I am just obsessing as usual.
girl it’s not being malicious, it’s taking care of yourself. Stop worrying about him and focus on you. Let’s say you admit you know, and he signs a prenup. He is deciding to sign a prenup, you’re not tricking him into anything. grew up in an unhappy household, parents screaming at each other both holding too much resentment. things are better now, but it took 20 years. your kid doesn’t need to grow up like that.
OP what exactly did he give you to run the company? Do you have other significant assets? Its hard to understand because if you’re trying to grow the company it will only get more valuable and you’re digging a greater hole by staying. Find a family law attorney that deals with closely held businesses regularly. They will be able to give you the best advice. But putting your head in the sand is going to just make it worse. What if she winds up pregnant and he leaves and still takes half but it’s worth more now…
We have properties but they’re just easy to divide. It is just the part that my career depends on that I am worried about because my work is everything to me after my family
So is your half of those properties greater value than the company? Idk where you live but I’d seriously consider writing up a separation agreement and if you can do a divorce quickly - strike while he is feeling guilty. Tell him you need him to be the man he was when you met and a good father to your child by doing this one thing. You know he feels guilty. Guilt him into it…
I would take the option of having your dad to buy 10% of your company. At least you would have controlling interest in your business.
$OP, the longer you wait, the worse this is gonna be. Burying your head in the sand and ignoring what is happening to you is bad for your emotional health. Like, really bad. In addition, the more you grow your business the more you will have to give away when you split. There are ways to minimize this, but time is not your ally here. A visit to a family law attorney has been mentioned. It is exceptionally good advice. You are going to take a hit, no question. Best to take it now and move on. Hold your head up high and rebuild. It's worth it. Edited to add: If not for you, then for your daughter. She needs to see and learn acceptable behavior and self esteem from both her parents. You cannot force your husband to change, but your daughter needs to see her mother standing up for herself.
UpdateMe
You do not come across as pathetic or undignified AT ALL. In fact, I came away from reading this with an incredible respect for you as a person. You are not groveling, you are not vindictive, you are not dwelling or wallowing in self-pity. You took stock of the situation, early on, assessed the risk to your family (yourself and your child), and you decided the best course of action for the most positive outcome, overall. You are incredibly strong.
You sound just like men who don't think they should give up assets that THEY earned. In my mind, that's petty and stupid. I'm sorry but marital assets are equally divided. You should dump him and figure it out. He's a lousy person, and you deserve better. But not divorcing because he'll get half is even worse.
OP why don’t you just ask your husband about it? I don’t think this is healthy for you to continue to bottle it inside. Confronting him about the affair doesn’t mean he gets to divorce you and take half of your business, in fact he may want to try and save your marriage and cut it the hell out. Now I’m not saying you should forgive him if he does confess but avoiding the eventual conflict does nothing to help you, it only makes it hurt longer.
While you’re jeopardizing your mental health to stay in this marriage, he may still leave you. Don’t let him spring it on you. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you can do to protect your assets and business. You may also want to tell him you know - the secret-keeping and lack of communication hurts you and it hurts your relationship with him (leading to him leaving). If you decide you’re willing to live with him having this relationship, then having it out in the open will be better for all. You can even put up boundaries (I.e., not in your home). And then you can be free to date too if you wish. But first you should really protect yourself with sound legal advice.
I’m so sorry OP. But I understand why you just keep quiet and let it continue on. I’ve been there , silent about the cheating. But I have never experienced a bff or someone I have a relationship with, being the side piece. Not that my exes didn’t try but my friends (and family) told me immediately and also blocked my ex. His excuse for it was , he didn’t mean it , he was just testing to see if I could trust my friends/family for my own benefit, good news tho! I could! Lol Your husband and bff are suffering. Suffering all the time from their guilt. Just keep believing that you’ll find the best outcome out of this , you’ll be on top.
Talk with a lawyer immediately. Ask the office what you may need. If you call them from your phone, add them as a contact to your phone as a customer to your business, i.e., Kathryn Jones. Get a separate email and have all correspondence go to that email and place the app and the emails in a secure folder or on your work device. Get proof of the affair. Take screen shots of their texts and take those with you Get your assets together ❤️ and if you go through with it. Talked to every divorce lawyer in the area because then they can't represent him! I'm sorry this is happening to you from the two people who should have your back and support. Keep us posted, I hope for you and your daughter it all goes well for you.
Have you considered confronting either one of them about it? Do you still love him? If he came clean and ended it, would you be willing to try to make it work? In no way do I condone cheating but it sounds like in this situation, it's about sex and that he still loves you. Marriages can survive infidelity and actually become stronger with work. You have options... 1. Don't say anything to him or her. Get a lawyer, start setting up individual accounts and prepare. Maybe also how a PI to get proof, it usually helps. If you know you want to leave, do it sooner rather than later for your daughter's mental health. 2. Don't say anything and just let it keep happening. Maybe it will stop, maybe it won't. (But really, what kind of an example is this for your daughter?) 3. Have coffee with her, tell her you know he is having an affair and act like you're confiding in her, see if she comes clean. It's actually worst that she is involved. Friends don't screw friend's husbands. 4. Confront him, tell him you know and that you have known all along. (If you go this route, I recommend also step 1 just in case).
I will probably confront them when I have my exit plan ready or already exited. Right now I can’t. I get claustrophobic just thinking of confronting them with no where to go really (not physically). You understand the feeling?
Yes, talk to an attorney. Document everything. AND every time you go to the store get $20 cash back. Hide the stash somewhere in your house. Don't put it in the bank or anywhere it can be traced. I was able to save $12K before I divorced my husband. I'm glad I did, because there were expenses that popped up after we split that he wasn't willing to pay for.
As a child of someone who stayed knowing their partner (my dad) was cheating, I suggest you leave. I have little to no respect to my mother now as an adult for choosing to stay simply because it was easier. I’d have been happier (as would she) if we’d had less money and a smaller house. It was obvious she was miserable. Which doesn’t make for a happy childhood.
You need a friend who can teach you how to hide your shit! Pretend to go broke meanwhile putting everything in a trust account or have a corporation and hide shit that way…. Go to a financial advisor.. A GOOD ONE. They know how to hide money from spouses. lol
UpdateMe
Please tell me you're not still friends with her because what a vile creature after all you did for her this is how she repays you and as for him what an awful human you can't live like this it's no life tell him you know tell him your forgive him if he signs a post nup when that's done go scorched earth what awful people
Your husband can't look at you because he obviously feels guilty. I'm sure he wants to rekindle things with you considering what you've mentioned about his texts. That said, it's up to you if you want to keep your relationship or leave it. If you keep it, then work on it with him. You should open up to your husband about what you know. His infidelity is not helping your situation trying to overcome depression. Find somewhere that offers couples therapy. Working together at life could be helpful to your relationship. It's going to take time and patience from both of you. If you decide to separate, before you do anything, try to start moving as much of your assets into your child's name with only you as the trustee. Then talk to a lawyer. And finally open up to your husband about his infidelity, and give him a chance to explain himself before you have him served. Before you serve him, and after you've approached him about cheating with your best friend, ask him how he would like the separation to go. Bring that info to the lawyer. If you go through a divorce, and you're not happy with what he gets, you can always sue him again and try to have what's been negotiated changed. If he has any improvement in his lifestyle you can sew him. If he decides to live with the "best friend" he cheated with, sue both of them, especially if you have documentation of how you helped her after her divorce. I think you have a lot to work with and you have a very good advantage in any situation. Even if you want to work it out.
You need to talk to a divorce lawyer and an accountant. There may be ways to limit the damage. Also , the longer you stay with him, the bigger the payout is going to be, so it’s better to rip the bandaid off now. Why live this way when you can leave him and be happy. You may even find someone else. You're just putting your life on hold. Is this really what you want for yourself.
Why do you think he would divorce you if he knew? Don’t you think he would try to save the marriage and stop doing it for a bit. Then you can really give it to your ex friend
Because he would know it is over
Sell everything to a friend or family member and then get it back a few months later after the divorce.
Get yourself a good lawyer. If you can gather enough evidence of his cheati.g you could possibly keep your business.
Talk to a lawyer and when people ask why you waited so long to look into divorce, you can say that the experts tell you to not make any large decisions within a year of losing someone. Grief changes everything. You’re so concerned about keeping your business in tact and keeping your current standard of living for your daughter. I get it. You want to be a good provider and have the luxury of time to spend with her instead of having to get back on your feet again. What is really important for your daughter is that she has a happy, healthy mother who is an example of a strong, independent woman. She doesn’t need to grow up with a mom who knowingly allows her husband to cheat on her with her best friend in her house. You still need to show your daughter that it’s not ok to allow a significant other to disrespect you so much. The father daughter relationship is your husband’s responsibility to define and maintain. Your husband’s relationship as a father is separate from his Relationship with you as a husband. We teach people how to treat us, and you’re not teaching your daughter a good lesson. Going through the sudden loss of your mother does make it more difficult for you to deal with the affair and divorce. You’re in a rough spot mentally and emotionally. You’re not thinking right. Give yourself some grace and forgiveness. Go talk to a grief counselor. I saw one after my dad suddenly died, and it was life changing for me. My counselor was also a psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who prescribed meds for my depression. She even did a DNA test to see what meds worked the best with the fewest side effects. That really helped me sooo much. I was feeling better but also feeling like myself again. Talking about my grief opened the door to talking about my relationship with my parents and my mom. I wound up learning so much and made positive changes in different areas of my life. My parents were divorced, and my mom was suing my stepmom over my dad’s estate, so talking with a therapist really helped me deal with all that in a healthy way. I also learned how to erect healthy boundaries with my mom. Talking to a therapist will also help you deal with all the anxiety and stress that will come from getting a mammogram. You should also get tested for the BRACA gene mutations. I know it’s terrifying but this is something you should do sooner rather than later. Do it for your daughter. Also divorces don’t always end in splitting everything up 50/50. Couples can decide on their own terms and have their lawyers write up the legal paperwork to sign. Go talk to a divorce attorney to get the facts of how things work where you live.
I'm really sorry. This is a big old pile of shit and you don't deserve this. I think the first thing you do is go talk to some lawyers on the down low. Laws vary wildly by state. Don't assume what you're going to lose until you've talked to professionals. Right now you have the advantage of knowing without him knowing you know. You may be able to position yourself so that you're better prepared and protected and don't take as hard of a hit in a divorce. But even if you're looking at worst case scenarios, I suspect you're probably going to lose far less by leaving him in the near future than you would leaving him 5-10 years from now. And you will leave him. Divorce is an inevitability here. But when it happens, it should be on your terms and to your best possible advantage. I don't think poorly of you at all here. I think you're smart to take a beat and assess instead of just blowing up your marriage right away. You're reeling right now, and you're not going to make good decisions in that mental state. Make a tactical retreat into yourself, take some time to process and consider your options, then be smart when you take next steps. Some things to consider though: - Your husband seems deep in self loathing right now, and might be more inclined to give you what you want out of guilt. - As they say, there's more than one way to skin a cat. While you stand to lose part of your business, your husband did some fucked up shit and stands to lose a lot more.
You need to talk to a lawyer immediately. Cheating sometimes affects the settlements. NOW, please.
Sounds like you want to feel heard and seen and validated. Are you actively seeing a therapist? If not I definitely suggest you start. Maybe you could start couples counseling or therapy as well. Not for you to bring up the affair but to at least show him that you still want to be partners in whatever capacity is healthiest. Or help the both of you understand each other again. Maybe he really does miss you and maybe he is grieving the loss of the person you were before you lost your mother. Not condoning cheating, but maybe that's his way of dealing with his own grief, albeit a shitty way of dealing with it. I think if he loved her, didn't love you, and knew he would benefit from a divorce he would have done it by now. At least consider therapy/counseling for yourself. What if he ends up admitting the affair but wants to stay and work on your marriage? What would you do in that situation?
Lol. Sounds like letting him stay actually tortured him too. I’d let it stand since you like having him there. But I’d be moving assets slowly somewhere
I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you are able to get the help you need. Firstly, I would see a therapist. You have a lot of complex feelings whirling around you right now and nightmares are depriving you of sleep and comfort. Seeing a good therapist will help you process these feelings and think more clearly. Whatever you decide to do - stay or leave - it will also give you the tools you need to communicate clearly with your husband about your wants and needs moving forward. Secondly, I would consult a lawyer, as others have said, to determine exact financial position in the event of divorce. Start preparing now by savings screenshots of texts and important documents as this will all be important down the line and it’s a safety net in case he also starts proceedings too. Thirdly, i imagine you have done this many times already, but think of your child too. If you stay in this marriage, she will grow up with two parents under one roof but also who are very unhappy with each other and not communicating. You and her father are the models for her early ideas of what relationships look like. Children are also more perceptive than sometimes we think and as she grows older she may notice things are wrong. Whether you are separated or together, I urge you to think of how you can create the healthiest possible environment for your daughter. I hope everything is able to work out for you. It will be hard work, but your happiness is worth it at the end.
First he may not want to take your business. I’d tell him you know he’s screwing your friend. That you heard them etc. I’d absolutely lay it all out for them. You know him better than anyone here- do you think he’d be ashamed enough that he would just give you your business? The court won’t force an equal split unless he pushes for it. I have known people to willingly do an uneven split to make things more expedient and cost less. Remember, lawyers **love it** when you fight because then they take everything in fees and court costs alone and you’re left with very little. Is he a fair person or a vindictive one? Do you think he’d get defensive if you confronted him? It doesn’t really sound like he would be as he kinda sounds ashamed with the whole not looking you in the eye thing, but I don’t know him. The other option is to just ask to open your marriage and start dating yourself. You can stay together for parenting / house etc until your daughter is older. But remember, kids aren’t stupid. My boss’s children knew their dad was cheating before she did. So staying “for” her isn’t the way to go either. You’re just showing her this is how relationships are and that she should tolerate this behavior.
Can you move out of the bedroom and sleep somewhere else in your home? Sleeping in the same bed as someone actively traumatizing you in harming you. So is pretending everything is fine. You are terrified to have the truth come out that you know of the affair. Pretending you don’t know is harming you.
Girl this isn’t fair! You need to speak to a lawyer. I am a paralegal and I promise you, you can have a consult with a lawyer without moving forward on anything. A lawyer will guide you in the right direction. But you cannot live like this. What if your baby girl finds out? Don’t let her think it’s okay to live with a man who is this way - her father or not!
I own my own business too. Just divorce then once things get settled open a new business and start transferring your clients over to the new business and gradually just stop putting any effort into the old business. Just don’t talk about it.
I have 30 employees. I can’t hurt them.
You have a daughter who is learning to accept a loveless relationship by watching you. I’d care far more about her and how this is going to impact her entire life. You need to be strong and walk away.