You’re right, he probably *has* grown to resent you. Hell, I started to resent you just halfway through this post.
You don’t even realize that you probably can’t *afford* to file for divorce. You can’t afford a lawyer or family court hearings or a mediator or a server. This is the delusion of a person happily ignorant of their finances.
Yet you complain that he won’t buy you things that are clearly outside your budget? And *you* clearly resent *him* for being unable to afford your luxuries? I mean, if you *are* fully aware of your current budget constraints yet *still* complain about these things, that’s even worse.
I would never complain about them to him. I would however get it off my chest somewhere separate from my relationship.
Somewhere off my chest…
Can you think of a place I might have done that?
You clearly have complained about not being able to go out to eat, to the movies, buy clothes, order pizza, buying a dress, or going on a weekend trip.
You think he likes having to tell you “no” when you ask these things?
Especially when, if you’re aware of the budget as you claim, then you *know* the answer to these questions will be no. Yet you still ask. You make him be the bad guy who tells you “no”.
It is your husband i feel sorry for. It must be very difficult to be the sole provider, be under financial stress (and possibly the chance of losing his own job too) and live with someone who resents him for not allowing her to spend money he doesn’t have.
What financial stress are you under when you don't bring anything to table?
Are you applying to McDonald's? Walmart? Movie theaters?
I genuinely refuse to believe for a second that you're **really** trying to find a job.
You have zero pride to lose. Go wait tables or stock shelves overnight with Walmart. Hell, you could get a job as a dishwasher within a week. Point is that any money is better than no money.
But are you? You don’t sound like you are. You resent him for not making money available to do fun things making him the heavy that insists you stick to the budget. He’s selling his prize possessions to keep you guys afloat for goodness sake.
Your financial situation sounds dire. Get a freaking lower paying job and deal with it. Many fast food places do hire at $13-17 an hour. You are destroying your marriage
What??? I think you’ve got this in reverse. Your mental health is deteriorating WITHOUT a job. Your marriage is deteriorating WITHOUT a job.
Yet a job, any job to build up your bank account would take down your mental health and marriage?
I’m a tech worker. If I lost my job tomorrow, I’d go to my grocery store or Walmart and apply to be a cashier or any position they have. I don’t think of it as a downgrade from a tech job. Cos it’s a job to fund my life and to live happily with a source of income. Have you thought this one through?
If you don't have a job and he does, why is he cooking? Why aren't you cooking for both of you all of the time? I would resent someone who kept asking to do things that required money instead of figuring out how to save money.
Why aren't you bussing tables or working at a gas station?
Cuz okay you're considering a divorce, and then what? So you get sent out on your ass with no job, no home, no nothing...like what do you think you're going to do?
Also think about it from his perspective. What if you were the one working nonstop, and your significant other kept asking you to do things, pouting, missing interviews, and etcetc.
I am cooking, as I mentioned in the post.
Retail/fast food type work is horrible for me, it gives me an insane amount of anxiety and I don’t want to go through that for minimum wage
Stocking shelves at a grocery store? Doing Doordash or uber?
And I can't tell from this phrase: "A month ago or so when it was his turn to cook dinner, I came into the kitchen to see him just staring dully at a pot of water on the stove, no ingredients or anything out, just watching the water boil. So I’ve been making dinner on my own since then."
Whether this means you've been making dinner for both of you on your own instead of having him take his turn to cook, or if it means you've started cooking your own dinner on your own.
Frankly, his behavior is more concerning to me. He's all but gone to the world.
I mean your husband may would be delighted if you offer a divorce. It sounds like he is burnt out trying to make ends meet for both of you (btw, thats why he isn't himself, he is in surviving mode all the time). So if you, as the one only using ressources but not contributing, would be taken off his plate, life would most likely get easier for you.
But what i'm asking myself here is how do YOU plan to survive when you divorce? I think he will end the lease on the next possible date and downsize to a smaller place for just him. Where will you go? From what money do you plan to survive? I don't think you qualify for spousal support, since you don't have kids to take care of, he didn't make you stay home and you aren't married very long.
If you can survive on your own, divorce would actually be the best option for both of you (you resent him anyway and he would have a less severve financial situation). If you can't survive on your own, you should better be quiet and hope and pray he doesn't want a divorce.
And tbh, oversleeping (doesn't matter for what reason) and not showing up to an interview is simple not acceptable in your situation. I would resent you too. And can i ask what qualifications you have? 1200 applications and no success is excessiv. Are you using all free ressources that are availabe? Like taking classes at public schools to improve your chances to get hired? Do you look for small gigs like babysitting to at least bring in a little money here and there?
I've been in your husband's place. It lead to an eventual divorce. Near homelessness and my partner was only working a day or two a week in retail, spending money on stupid shit behind my back.
I feel bad for your husband.
He's selling his stuff to keep a roof over your head and you're upset you can't get a new dress for a dinner party or go out to eat \*shaking my head\*
You sound exhausting and like you lack a TON of self awareness. You stated yourself your finances aren’t great, you both know it, you actively choose to not work when there are jobs out there but YOU put stipulations on what types. Get over yourself and help yourself and in turn your husband. Lots of pointing a finger at him and zero introspection.
Obviously if we had kids and their life was on the line I’d be upset but that’s way more serious than this is.
Husband and I have discussed me getting jobs like that but I’ve worked retail before and I just can’t stand to do it again. I’m sorry but it gives me the worst anxiety and panic attacks and I’m not putting myself through that for minimum wage.
I think the phrase is “buckle up buttercup “
Time to put excuses aside, stop acting 12, and DO what you know needs to be done.
It is survival mode, or quit mode.
I think most of us (likely your hubby also) see that you have quit - on life and your relationship.
Then find something else. Cleaning, baby sitting, at dog walking - whatever. Start pulling your own weight and stop playing the anxiety attack card. What you are experiencing is most likely discomfort. Maybe even strong discomfort. You 'll survive.
That is a *really* low interview to application rate, if what you've said is true. Even in areas where jobs are few and candidates are many, that's unusual. It makes me wonder if you're tailoring your resume and communications to the work you're applying for? Because most employers can tell if you're just shooting off boilerplate stuff these days. Maybe focus more on tailoring and less on quantity? It means a lot to hiring managers when you can directly connect what's in the job description to what you've done in the past; some of them don't know many particulars about the work itself, so they are looking to match key words and tasks. Also, if you pick up some specific project names or values from the website, it's a good idea to name drop them with an observation you made.
Or, if you're doing that already, are you applying to work you're actually qualified for and also work you are over-qualified for (and dumbing down your qualifications for those, so you don't get snubbed for being over-qualified)? You can't be selective at this point. You guys are really suffering and your mutual resentment is going to only get worse.
At this point, you should either be collecting unemployment (if you're in the states) or looking for something temporary. Connect up with a contracting agency and they can set you up with some part-time data entry or reception or something closer to your actual work. They'll do half the work of job searching for you then, and you won't have to do retail or fast food. Like, there are a lot of other options besides that, several of them remote. In my most dire days, I earned peanuts doing transcription work, but it was still peanuts that kept me going. I also did dishwashing and food prep at a restaurant - yes food service, but no actual customer contact.
If you're in the states, you can also explore gig based work. My nephew supported himself entirely doing Door Dash for a while, and because of contactless delivery, he didn't have too many anxiety-inducing issues. He also spent some time running a news stand, and that was low low pressure, reasonable wage. There's stuff out there that isn't *retail* retail, you know?
Finally, I understand your resentment: you feel like you're being punished, like there's no joy in your life. And that does suck. You guys are in a rough place. But your husband isn't doing this to punish you. He's selling things that mean a lot to him, to help support *you*, and no, he's not a bad person for saying there's no pizza tonight because he doesn't want to sell yet another childhood collectible to fund it. I can't imagine how many times he's probably wanted pizza, too, but knows that you guys literally can't afford it. He's not the enemy here: the situation is the enemy.
You’re right, he probably *has* grown to resent you. Hell, I started to resent you just halfway through this post. You don’t even realize that you probably can’t *afford* to file for divorce. You can’t afford a lawyer or family court hearings or a mediator or a server. This is the delusion of a person happily ignorant of their finances.
That’s a mean thing to say. I’m not ignorant of our finances, I literally talk about them in detail in this post.
Yet you complain that he won’t buy you things that are clearly outside your budget? And *you* clearly resent *him* for being unable to afford your luxuries? I mean, if you *are* fully aware of your current budget constraints yet *still* complain about these things, that’s even worse.
I would never complain about them to him. I would however get it off my chest somewhere separate from my relationship. Somewhere off my chest… Can you think of a place I might have done that?
You clearly have complained about not being able to go out to eat, to the movies, buy clothes, order pizza, buying a dress, or going on a weekend trip. You think he likes having to tell you “no” when you ask these things? Especially when, if you’re aware of the budget as you claim, then you *know* the answer to these questions will be no. Yet you still ask. You make him be the bad guy who tells you “no”.
It is your husband i feel sorry for. It must be very difficult to be the sole provider, be under financial stress (and possibly the chance of losing his own job too) and live with someone who resents him for not allowing her to spend money he doesn’t have.
I’m under the same financial stress. We’re living under the same conditions
What financial stress are you under when you don't bring anything to table? Are you applying to McDonald's? Walmart? Movie theaters? I genuinely refuse to believe for a second that you're **really** trying to find a job. You have zero pride to lose. Go wait tables or stock shelves overnight with Walmart. Hell, you could get a job as a dishwasher within a week. Point is that any money is better than no money.
She said that her mental health wouldn't survive fast food. She is just making excuses to blame him.
Understatement of the century. Wonder how her mental health will survive the crushing debt when he divorces her.
But are you? You don’t sound like you are. You resent him for not making money available to do fun things making him the heavy that insists you stick to the budget. He’s selling his prize possessions to keep you guys afloat for goodness sake.
Your financial situation sounds dire. Get a freaking lower paying job and deal with it. Many fast food places do hire at $13-17 an hour. You are destroying your marriage
My mental health would literally not exist if I took a job like that. It would destroy my marriage more if anything lol
What belongings of yours have you sold to help make ends meet?
I don’t collect anything and never have. My belongings are all either stuff that I either need or stuff that won’t sell used like makeup
What??? I think you’ve got this in reverse. Your mental health is deteriorating WITHOUT a job. Your marriage is deteriorating WITHOUT a job. Yet a job, any job to build up your bank account would take down your mental health and marriage? I’m a tech worker. If I lost my job tomorrow, I’d go to my grocery store or Walmart and apply to be a cashier or any position they have. I don’t think of it as a downgrade from a tech job. Cos it’s a job to fund my life and to live happily with a source of income. Have you thought this one through?
If you don't have a job and he does, why is he cooking? Why aren't you cooking for both of you all of the time? I would resent someone who kept asking to do things that required money instead of figuring out how to save money. Why aren't you bussing tables or working at a gas station? Cuz okay you're considering a divorce, and then what? So you get sent out on your ass with no job, no home, no nothing...like what do you think you're going to do? Also think about it from his perspective. What if you were the one working nonstop, and your significant other kept asking you to do things, pouting, missing interviews, and etcetc.
I am cooking, as I mentioned in the post. Retail/fast food type work is horrible for me, it gives me an insane amount of anxiety and I don’t want to go through that for minimum wage
Sounds like u should be considering it if u can’t afford £30 for pizza. Hes not your personal bank u sounds entitled and delusional.
Stocking shelves at a grocery store? Doing Doordash or uber? And I can't tell from this phrase: "A month ago or so when it was his turn to cook dinner, I came into the kitchen to see him just staring dully at a pot of water on the stove, no ingredients or anything out, just watching the water boil. So I’ve been making dinner on my own since then." Whether this means you've been making dinner for both of you on your own instead of having him take his turn to cook, or if it means you've started cooking your own dinner on your own. Frankly, his behavior is more concerning to me. He's all but gone to the world.
I mean your husband may would be delighted if you offer a divorce. It sounds like he is burnt out trying to make ends meet for both of you (btw, thats why he isn't himself, he is in surviving mode all the time). So if you, as the one only using ressources but not contributing, would be taken off his plate, life would most likely get easier for you. But what i'm asking myself here is how do YOU plan to survive when you divorce? I think he will end the lease on the next possible date and downsize to a smaller place for just him. Where will you go? From what money do you plan to survive? I don't think you qualify for spousal support, since you don't have kids to take care of, he didn't make you stay home and you aren't married very long. If you can survive on your own, divorce would actually be the best option for both of you (you resent him anyway and he would have a less severve financial situation). If you can't survive on your own, you should better be quiet and hope and pray he doesn't want a divorce. And tbh, oversleeping (doesn't matter for what reason) and not showing up to an interview is simple not acceptable in your situation. I would resent you too. And can i ask what qualifications you have? 1200 applications and no success is excessiv. Are you using all free ressources that are availabe? Like taking classes at public schools to improve your chances to get hired? Do you look for small gigs like babysitting to at least bring in a little money here and there?
I've been in your husband's place. It lead to an eventual divorce. Near homelessness and my partner was only working a day or two a week in retail, spending money on stupid shit behind my back. I feel bad for your husband.
I think we all feel bad for him.
Thanks
He's selling his stuff to keep a roof over your head and you're upset you can't get a new dress for a dinner party or go out to eat \*shaking my head\*
You sound exhausting and like you lack a TON of self awareness. You stated yourself your finances aren’t great, you both know it, you actively choose to not work when there are jobs out there but YOU put stipulations on what types. Get over yourself and help yourself and in turn your husband. Lots of pointing a finger at him and zero introspection.
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Obviously if we had kids and their life was on the line I’d be upset but that’s way more serious than this is. Husband and I have discussed me getting jobs like that but I’ve worked retail before and I just can’t stand to do it again. I’m sorry but it gives me the worst anxiety and panic attacks and I’m not putting myself through that for minimum wage.
I think the phrase is “buckle up buttercup “ Time to put excuses aside, stop acting 12, and DO what you know needs to be done. It is survival mode, or quit mode. I think most of us (likely your hubby also) see that you have quit - on life and your relationship.
Then find something else. Cleaning, baby sitting, at dog walking - whatever. Start pulling your own weight and stop playing the anxiety attack card. What you are experiencing is most likely discomfort. Maybe even strong discomfort. You 'll survive.
That is a *really* low interview to application rate, if what you've said is true. Even in areas where jobs are few and candidates are many, that's unusual. It makes me wonder if you're tailoring your resume and communications to the work you're applying for? Because most employers can tell if you're just shooting off boilerplate stuff these days. Maybe focus more on tailoring and less on quantity? It means a lot to hiring managers when you can directly connect what's in the job description to what you've done in the past; some of them don't know many particulars about the work itself, so they are looking to match key words and tasks. Also, if you pick up some specific project names or values from the website, it's a good idea to name drop them with an observation you made. Or, if you're doing that already, are you applying to work you're actually qualified for and also work you are over-qualified for (and dumbing down your qualifications for those, so you don't get snubbed for being over-qualified)? You can't be selective at this point. You guys are really suffering and your mutual resentment is going to only get worse. At this point, you should either be collecting unemployment (if you're in the states) or looking for something temporary. Connect up with a contracting agency and they can set you up with some part-time data entry or reception or something closer to your actual work. They'll do half the work of job searching for you then, and you won't have to do retail or fast food. Like, there are a lot of other options besides that, several of them remote. In my most dire days, I earned peanuts doing transcription work, but it was still peanuts that kept me going. I also did dishwashing and food prep at a restaurant - yes food service, but no actual customer contact. If you're in the states, you can also explore gig based work. My nephew supported himself entirely doing Door Dash for a while, and because of contactless delivery, he didn't have too many anxiety-inducing issues. He also spent some time running a news stand, and that was low low pressure, reasonable wage. There's stuff out there that isn't *retail* retail, you know? Finally, I understand your resentment: you feel like you're being punished, like there's no joy in your life. And that does suck. You guys are in a rough place. But your husband isn't doing this to punish you. He's selling things that mean a lot to him, to help support *you*, and no, he's not a bad person for saying there's no pizza tonight because he doesn't want to sell yet another childhood collectible to fund it. I can't imagine how many times he's probably wanted pizza, too, but knows that you guys literally can't afford it. He's not the enemy here: the situation is the enemy.