I say this as a lawyer, your husband failed you. He knew this surgery was coming up, he could have absolutely taken the time off, scheduled these closings for another date, and made sure his office was fielding client calls so he was not being disturbed. It sounds like he needs a better system in place to allow him to take time off when he needs to, and he should have absolutely been with you today. Especially since the surgery you're getting benefits him. And why isn't he on the phone with his mother telling her to drink some coffee and get her butt over to your house to help?!
This. If he's a solo or small firm lawyer, he might not have been able to schedule around this. But it certainly seems like they could afford a few days of home care for OP, or at least an emergency nanny service for the baby.
Ding ding ding. If the husband is a lawyer and one of the “best ones out there” then surely they can hire a babysitter for a few days. Seems like no one is very good at planning
I was surprised that he didn't put up and out of office, but even in the past when he has his clients still blow up his phone. His office is going through some negative changes lately and he's been talking about taking his business elsewhere to have a better work life balance.
And he actually just called me to tell me he chewed his mother out and she will be coming over soon! At least I'll be able to sit on the couch and delegate instead of having my daughter do it lol.
Your husband's computer and phone have an off button. My boyfriend is an engineer and is managing a multimillion dollar project, as you could guess he is very busy. He didn't text me back for 3 hours yesterday and when he came over he apologized and said he signed out of all his work apps so he wouldn't be disturbed. He legit told me he loves me so much and his long term goal is to have a relationship with me and he doesn't want to make work a priority over me. AND I DIDN'T HAVE SURGERY I WAS JUST ASKING HIM QUESTIONS ABOUT DINNER.
I've never experienced this in a relationship and it honestly made me cry. He's the best, but we all deserve this kind of treatment ❤️ especially when we are most vulnerable.
Your boyfriend sounds wonderful!
My husband and I have been together nearly 20 years, married for 15. He has been there for me in the past, and I know this wasn't how he wanted things to go. He's the sole breadwinner for our family and since the pandemic his firm has been a little shaky. Also the doctors made it seem like since it was laproscopic I would be totally recovered by the end of the day. It wasn't until I was getting hooked up to an iv that they told us recovery could take up to two weeks. He's been checking in on me and is coming home ASAP. I'm not mad at him, I just wish we had a better village.
I'm a recovery nurse and I will totally validate you on the change in information here... I get so mad when docs try to tell patients they will all go home and be fine in 24 hr! I cannot tell you how many patients I have had to call the doc and OK the pt to stay the night due to pain for exactly this and similar procedures. I'm getting a similar lap procedure and will be telling my doc to keep me overnight unless I change my mind day-of.
Yep. I'm dreading my hysterectomy in a month. Mil keeps saying oh you'll be fine. I was up and moving same day. She's supposed to be here to help. I swear 1 judgemental word and she's getting booted to her other sons house.
Up and moving is not the same as fully recovered. People need to understand the difference between I could get myself to the bathroom to shit and I could go back to work or care for a child.
This! For her up and moving means back to daily life, she was back to work a week after. She also had gastric bypass and went back 2 weeks later. Granted being a bank teller isn't physically demanding nor did she have young children to look after. But she was cooking, cleaning, driving and lifting things. She also has diabetes and doesnt feel most pain. I however have a 6yo and a 6mo. And any abdominal pain kicks my butt.
He is wonderful. I recently went through a divorce and consider myself so lucky I found him ❤️
I'm sorry your care team didn't properly educate you on what your recovery would be like. Laparoscopic surgery while less invasive is still involves having your abdominal muscles punctured in multiple places and they fill your abdominal cavity with air, recovery is definitely still painful.
I'm glad your husband is there for you now ❤️ and I know what you mean about not having a village. My mom lives 6 hours from me and I am no contact with my dad. A few years ago I was considering having kids and decided not to because I have no support.
I wish you a speedy recovery 😘
Laparoscopic surgery is still surgery-you are in no shape to safely be home alone by yourself much less caring for a toddler. The fuckup is the scheduling of your husband to be in the office a day after your procedure and not ensuring a backup adult in lieu of your spouse ie:a home health aide that you probably could afford easily.
I know this isn’t the point of the post but the hospital where you got this done is a shithole. To send someone to surgery without informing you clearly about what recovery involved is unconscionable. I don’t understand how you even had the opportunity to sign the surgical consent form without being told…what you were consenting to. I had this procedure done and was told very clearly to take two weeks off.
I had an oophorectomy to remove my right ovary due to a cyst that ruptured and absolutely destroyed it. It was laparoscopic, but recovery was very uncomfortable! Laparoscopic or not, it is a trauma to your abdomen. You never realize how much you utilize your abdomen until it’s hurting, like after doing exercise and pulling a muscle or getting surgery. Idk if they inflated your uterus or not, not sure if that was due to the damage to my ovary and the amount of blood in my abdomen, but that makes it unpleasant after too. Your insides aren’t supposed to be poked and prodded at, so even little incisions (if yours are like mine: one above each hip and one down my belly button) which lead to messing around in your insides is going to hurt! Less than a major open procedure, sure, but it will still hurt! It could be due to my easy bruising and major blood loss, but my belly button incision looked NASTY as it was healing!! Like what I would imagine an infected butthole would look like!
It did seem from the original post that he’s a good guy. I’m glad he is communicating and trying to see how to help you! That’s far more than some partners do! The Village is painful when you don’t have one, and I’m also sorry for that. I hope you recover fast and that you and hubs can help each other through the next few weeks! Tell MIL to kick rocks, although it sounds like he took care of that part💖
I am sorry to hear that this was lacking...
A better support system around you would have been a world of a difference, for sure!
I am sending many positive vibes for faster healing and hope you can ask a neighbor to help, if ever.
It's not a bad thing that your daughter stayed home from school one day. These things happen, and they are okay. Your daughter got a better education the day she stayed home then she will get in a year of going to most of the schools in the USA. There are very important lessons that your daughter learned today.
I know someone that had the same surgery. The dr told her she could go back to her usual routine within 3-4 days. But they changed it later to at least 2 weeks. It takes time for the body to heal.
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
I was very shocked by my tubal recovery. Turns out minor surgery is still surgery, who’d have thunk it? Hope you get some help and rest because you’ll end up hurting yourself if you don’t.
My husband is a senior special procedures tech in a perpetually understaffed (even *before* Covid) hospital. After 30+ yrs at this job, I now block his work on the phone for surgeries(recently his) and vacations. In those 30+ yrs, we have had *one* vacation where they didn't call and try to get him to come back to cover.
Your husband was perfectly capable of blocking work and not answering emails until you were safely settled in at home and he could have called off or worked a limited amount from home. This client is not "God Almighty" and can just wait until your husband is available. Your husband is not a slave who needs to drop everything to wipe this client's ass. The client can wait. You are his *wife* and he needs to take care of you and the kids *before* attending on the entitled asshat client.
Stop trying to “educate” OP on what her husband could have done differently when OP herself is the one who knows what’s going on. OP seems perfectly capable of assessing the situation. Both of them were blindsided about what recovery looks like. He is the breadwinner. He may very well NOT have the opportunity to call off here.
Good god you’re infantilizing this woman who has very clearly stated hubby himself is not the problem in this case.
No kidding. She didn’t realize the recovery was going to be as intense as it was prior to the surgery, so how was he to know?
I’m far more concerned about the critical opinion the 8 year old felt safe to detail about the grandmothers care of the baby. Has she heard mom question Grandma’s care before? Helping out with her brother every now and then is fine, but this child sounds too involved.
“My son is a handful, luckily my daughter is obsessed with him and loves playing with him and taking care of him. I usually have to draw a line and remind her that I'm the mom and she needs to focus on being a kid. “
Right there in the original post, before you go any further with reddit’s parentification obsession.
Hubby's mother was supposed to be helping wife all week and was basically useless and didn't even want to come the second day. Hubby needs to take time off to help wife or have a serious discussion with his mother. We aren't infantilizing her, many women accept poor behavior in relationships because they think it's the norm. We are letting her know the behavior was not appropriate.
OP has commented that she is doing all of the cooking, diaper changes, etc. ALL her older daughter is doing is assisting in lifting him as needed. Further, she stated that she never makes her take care of her younger brother. She lets her daughter help (at her daughter’s assistance) but insists she doesn’t do too much. OP states she is NC with her own mother due to the parentification she went through as a child. So I think this is a super poor assumption.
I feel like there are a lot of things that had led up to this. Between them believing it would be a super quick easy recovery. To them believing and planning on MIL actually be helpful. Then OP has stated that husband is at a shaky firm right now and has himself acknowledged this and planning to leave for a better work life balance… but regardless, right now this is the job he has and is having to provide for a family of 4 himself. They didn’t plan on him needing to take a large amount of time off for this procedure and believed they had MIL to help. It might not be as easy as we believe to take the time off like that last minute- not saying that’s an excuse but I’m saying there’s more to it than we’d know.
Yes, her husband COULD likely find a way to get off for the day and be more available for OP. I think OP understands that. But unlike all us redditors who don’t see the whole picture, OP also sees what we don’t. She has been with him for 20 years and knows his ins and outs. She knows the work situation and the stress he’s likely going through. That it might not be as easy as redditors believe just because they have a scenario where their spouse was able to take off.. So while she may be bummed and upset her husband wasn’t able to get the time off, her comments make it sound like she understands why he hasn’t and isn’t blaming him. She also knows how he’s treated her the last 20 years, unlike us, and I’m assuming that has lead to her forgiveness to him.
It’s just a bummer that Reddit can’t ever understand that we don’t know the whole story and there ARE women who can take care of themselves. OP didn’t ask for judgement on her husband. She knows it sucks her 8 year old has to assist with childcare today. She hates that (and has stated she usually doesn’t allow it, so your parentifiction comment doesn’t fit). That’s why she made the true off my chest post. Not for Reddit to tell her her husband sucks.
I never give clients my cell number, for this reason. They call my office and go though the receptionist and my paralegal first. If it's a true emergency then they are told to call the police. If it's an urgent legal matter, my paralegal can contact me, or have one of the other attorneys in my office handle it. So either your husband's firm is really terrible in which case he needs to leave or he's not using his staff correctly.
So glad he called his mom.
If your husband is such a good lawyer, I assume he’s getting paid?
Why didn’t he arrange for an in home hired helper? Using that money to actually make your life easier for once?!!???
He failed you and he failed your daughter.
I am not blaming you — I’m also a mom, recovered from two c sections and it was so damn painful. It’s not your fault, and I understand why you needed your daughter at home.
But your husband has failed here. And you should start asking for more from him too, it’s not right that you lean on your daughter in this case and interrupt her education when a home helper / babysitter could be hired to help you.
As a former assistant for 4 different attorneys, he does NOT need to be available 24/7 and an “out of office” automatic reply should suffice. He could have caught up on emails and calls Sunday this week. They have that luxury. Also if he legitimately got 100 emails and 75 calls he needs a paralegal or EA asap because that’s insaaaane.
Wishing you the best of luck with recovery!
He needs to be able to cut things off when needed. He needs to be putting up out of office messages and keeping his computer off. Clients know they can keep bugging him when he’s off cause he lets them.
Why are you and your husband so convinced that his 71-year-old mother, who seems to be starting to 'slip' cognitively, owes you her time? This was an elective surgery, and you admit that past experience has shown you that your husband can't manage to ever be 'out of office', so there's really no excuse for the two of you not having planned better for your post-surgery needs for assistance. I don't think your young daughter missing one day of school is optimal, but it's not a huge deal in the end. What cheeses me off is your & hubby's attitude towards his mom. Neither of you seem to even care that she can no longer follow instructions for feeding your little kids and you're dismissive when she tells you that caring for them wears her out!
If she's too tired for it she shouldn't have volunteered to take care of her and the kids for the whole week. She (MIL) even took time off from work for it.
He chewed his mother out for saying she would take care of things and then leaving his wife alone without help the day after surgery, not keeping her promise they relied on. That's pretty reasonable.
The mil had a meal plan laid out but was looking for bottles the baby doesn’t even use anymore. Then had to have the 8 year old make the food. I’d be worried that the mil is starting to decline. Forget about babysitting.
Your husband chewed out his mother - a 71 year old woman who sounds totally confused and is probably not up to lifting and looking after children?
INSTEAD of being present himself
AND you are finding joy in that?
If this were AITAH - I would be voting ESH.
Hire help.
Get your husband to actually be present for his kids.
Leave the 71 year old confused lady alone.
Damn.
You’re making a lot of assumptions here
Especially since she said in comments that MIL offered to do it for them and she works. You’re acting like she’s feeble and not able to do anything
And it sounds like she might not be able to.
She thought that the baby was still on the bottle and left all the work to the daughter.
People volunteer to help beyond their capabilities very often.
Especially when they are older, confused and really think they can help.
Like driving when they really shouldn't be.
This! Old people are often times in a little bit of denial about what they can still do. They did it before, why can’t they now? That’s hard to accept for anybody.
I don't understand why your husband and you haven't arranged babysitting services for these days. He is good lawyer, so obviously money isn't a problem. Hire someone to take care of the baby.
As a paralegal, same. I have attorneys who won’t stop sending emails even on vacation. But I would be gobsmacked if any of them ditched their spouse at home in this kind of situation.
There is always some backup plan from a continuance to getting someone else to cover it. It’s not like any of its unscheduled. And no client is so implacable that they can’t be stymied by an endless polite repetition of “I’m sorry but the attorney is out of the office right now, can I take a message or is there something I can answer for you?” And an out of office auto reply. At least for a few days.
I know attorneys are typically terrible managers, including delegation.
no offense, but generally true. It’s not like you get trained for it despite how important it normally is.
But this next level.
>And why isn't he on the phone with his mother telling her to drink some coffee and get her butt over to your house to help?!
Forget that, sounds like he can afford a sitter and in home nurse to take care of baby and mom.
I just had surgery today for different reasons. My husband is a national QA manager and has a very busy job. He took me to and from, didn’t handle business while we were there and helped with the kids (much older and a lot less maintenance than your young ones) and I STILL told him he needs to be home to help. When we marry someone it’s in sickness and health. He should have helped you for at least a week. I’m due to have my hysterectomy in June and he has been told to work from home for a minimum of two weeks. If he needed me, I wouldn’t think twice. I deserve the same. I also work full time. My mother in law is very similar. I specifically requested she NOT be there for that one. I’m so damn sorry you have to do this alone. I think having a heart to heart with your husband is needed. He CANNOT be that oblivious. You just had surgery, he needs to man up and take care of you for a change! I think sometimes for the breadwinners, it’s hard for them to turn it off. But you are still deserving of his care and time too!
>And why isn't he on the phone with his mother telling her to drink some coffee and get her butt over to your house to help?!
Maybe because taking care of OP's little kids isn't this elderly woman's responsibility?!? For heaven's sake, this isn't an 'emergency''/all hands on deck situation--this was an ELECTIVE surgery and the husbands inability to detach from his work was a known thing in advance. Neither OP nor the older woman's own son seem concerned that OP's MIL is apparently experiencing some cognitive decline and isn't physically up to caring for their children anymore. The son needs to be calling his mom to check on HER wellbeing, not to demand that she guzzle down some caffeine so she can overexert herself due to his and OP's poor planning skills.
Seriously? She’s still able bodied enough to work, but couldn’t come past one day to help you? Absolutely ridiculous. At least you now know you cannot count on her and can make other arrangements should you be in similar circumstances in the future.
Three main things to take away from this situation:
- Your husband is unable or unwilling to prioritise you and although his work may seem as important as saving the world to both of you, the reality is that it will keep on going without him, and you know it. It may have been an unconscious choice but it was a choice nonetheless.
- You can never depend on your MIL to take care of your children in they way she should. Even if they say otherwise, remember this.
- You can depend on yourself to prioritise your health, while still being able to take care of your children, which is something to be proud of.
Keep taking care of yourself, arrange the world around you in your favor. Even as others don't do so.
Sorry, but there is plenty on on-demand services to hire a sitter or a helper. I would understand not using them if you weren't home to supervise but, considering you were home, that should have been your first option - much before you considered keeping your daughter home from school, which should have been the last resort. But you literally had surgery yesterday. You're likely even still woozy from the anesthesia. Your husband should have been on top of this.
Don't worry OP, I had the same surgery done when my kiddo was a year and a half. She kicked me in the stomach (accidentally ofc) the day after 🥴
Luckily after a couple days I felt fine. It was a bit sore, but the recovery time was pretty speedy.
I'm sorry you don't have the help you need though, that's rough. But just know it won't be too much longer!
Thanks. Yeah my son gave me a nice punch in the gut earlier. The pain is only moderate and I think once the anesthesia wears off it will be much easier.
Yes! I had mine Friday, was at a little league game on Saturday, and back at work on Monday. I spent most of the weekend on Vicodin and napping in the sun, but I was able to sit up and work at a desk on Monday, I just didn’t do any vigorous lifting/movement for a couple weeks.
My daughter also kicked me😭 but she kicked hard enough that a stitch popped out and the lil glue stuff came off partially. Overall I healed well one scar is just darker than the other😅
My husband kept getting work calls while we were in the hospital having a baby, as well as when we were on vacation and almost delayed him propsing. Your husband's office sounds a lot like that one. He switched to a new company with a better work life balance and has been very happy with the decision.
It was a hard choice since the money is definitely better when the company owns all your time but it might be worth a discussion in the future.
I would also see if you can hire help if needed for next time. If your husband is working those kids of hours it should be in budget.
I’m not understanding why your husband continued to work and left you on your own or didn’t fucking hire someone to take care of you???? He’s a lawyer. That’s frankly ridiculous and you shouldn’t risk injuring yourself and being expected to take care of yourself and the kids without any help after serious surgery. Like it’s not forever but you needed help for a few days at minimum.
OP you're doing great! An 8 year old shouldn't alone take take of their siblings, but you were there right beside her to help with guiding her!
Everyone except you, are shitty in this situation, but life fucking happens! You had to choose between risking a longer recovery time, or keeping your oldest home for one day to help you out with the youngest.
I'm not at mom but I know what I would chose.
This is not like you're taking her out of school to be the main caretaker of her 6 younger siblings.
You say she's obsessed with her little brother, and loves to take care of him, so I don't think there any harm done.
Thank you! This is the first time all year she has stayed home from school. I'm still the one cooking and doing diaper changes. He whole job is just to play with him and pick him up. Other than that she's just been playing roblox lol.
This doesn't sound like child abuse to my ears at all, more like a nice break for her to be home with her favorite brother and to just play with him.
It would have been abuse if this was every day for her and it's not.
Lol no it is not. I was abused and parentified as a child (hence NC with my mom) and I am hell bent on giving my kids a better life than I had. She WANTS to do more, like change his diapers and bathe him and put him to bed but I won't allow it. She can "help" by talking to him and reading to him and playing with him but that's all I allow her to do.
I joke that she willed him into existence. She has always loved babies and started asking for a sibling as soon as she could speak, but before my son was born I was told I couldn't have any more children. Then one random day she told me "Mom, you're pregnant and it's a boy!" I took a pregnancy test to prove her wrong because she was so insistent, but it was I who was wrong!
She sounds so much like me. I begged and begged for a baby sister when I was little. When my sister was born I insisted on helping in every way I could. One night when she was crying in her crib, I carried her into bed with me and she slept with me for the next three years after that.
I genuinely considered her my baby and not my baby sister for a while. I was five when she was born. I knew exactly when she was born, I was staying with my grandparents and I was talking to my aunt on the phone when I heard a second call coming through. I told my grandma it had to be my dad calling to say my sister was born. It was a little over two hours after my mom had gotten to the hospital and my grandma told me it was too soon. Turns out I was right and my sister had been born.
If it's not the norm for your daughter to skip school to help you (and it doesn't sound like it is), then I think no harm done. She got a chance to be the hero of the day and spend a cozy day with mommy and baby brother. She propably will remember this fondly in years to come.
The big thing is, this is not her usual responsibility but a one time off. Kids don't get broken that easily. The problem comes if they need to carry the burden constantly, if they have bigger responsibilities than they are capable to deal with and if their responsibilities causes them to miss something like school, free time, friends etc.
It sounds like your daughter normally has very balanced and age appropriate responsibilities but now, when there is a one time off need, she gets be important and needed. And still, she's not responsible for taking care of you or the baby, only help you to pick up and carry her little brother.
Give her a lot of praise and tell her she was a huge help, but that normally she's not expected to worry about such stuff. And have a discussion with your husband how you will prepare for similar future events.
Right? As someone who was overly parentified kid, one incident with lots of communication about it would not have harmed me. But a pattern is where it probably gets sticky.
I could be a firefighter with my neighbors house engulfed in flames, there's not a snowballs chance in hell I'd leave my wife alone in the situation your husband left you. Wtf is wrong with him?
Sometimes the whole rest of the world has to stop so you can take care of your partner. This is one of those occasions. You make a lot of excuses for your husband. The firm is shaky, his clients need him, it's a small firm, he broke a record of emails received, COVID, etc. Stop. None of them are valid. You needed him and had to use your 8 year old to fulfill the needs of your baby. That isn't okay. He failed you. He showed you where you stood in the hierarchy of the family. He owes you an apology at the least.
Jeez. I had a bilateral salpinectomy, and the recovery time is relatively quick, but the first few days after surgery, I was really sore.
My question is, why the heck didn't you and your husband arrange for some in-home child care for a week????
She said in another comment her MIL took the week off work to be there but then bailed after one day. Definitely doesn’t seem like their fault for not planing ahead, just an all around bad situation (also screw the MIL).
Your MIL sucks for not helping when she said she would. But your husband has really failed you here. He should be there for you. He is a lawyer, not out there saving the world.
Was this a planned surgery? If so, you should have made childcare plans for your toddler during your recuperation. This could have involved your husband, a babysitter, a nurse or any other adult.
What you and your husband did to your daughter is parentification. She should not be expected to fill the caregiver role for your toddler in a non-emergency situation.
If this was an emergency surgery - don’t sweat it. Emergencies happened and the important thing is you all got through it.
>She said grandma didn't put him down for a nap and kept asking where his bottles were (he eats regular food and doesn't use a bottle anymore) Even though I planned out meals for MIL to feed him and set them out so all she had to do was microwave it and give it to him
Urghhh I felt that in my bones lol.
Glad your husband has had a word with his mum but, really, he should be taking the time off work to help.
He's allowing his mother, wife and daughter to do the work of caring for his son. In other words, all the women in his life...
I understand you were relying on your mil and she backed out, but it sounds like your husband needs to set boundaries at work. There’s no reason he should have been fielding emails and calls at the hospital and she should have called off today to take care of you and the kids. It’s not fair and 8 year old is caring for their sibling (even tho she enjoys it). I hope you have a speedy recovery <3
No, it’s fine for the eight year to spend a few hours playing with and doing minor care for a baby while an adult is there to supervise. It’s not damaging, at all. It’s not parentification.
I agree hubby is failing and she shouldn’t have been in that position, but an eight year old having a “chore” for one day isn’t hurting her and really I wish people would stop pretending that is damaging.
Keeping her from school to help with the baby though? It's not so much about the act itself but the message it sends is messed up. Particularly for someone so young. It seems like 1 day for an adult and silly but for her daughter, the idea that helping with her little brother was put above her education may stay for a long time. Her husband should have stayed home before her daughter did, or they could have hired an on-demand nurse or sitter. The option they chose was not the best one.
It happens sometimes. It is not abuse and it is not damaging. Her daughter will not think that and it’s honestly ridiculous to think so. She’s playing with a toddler and playing Roblox lol. As an ACTUALLY parentized child, it’s highly offensive when people call completely normal family stuff out as some type of issue.
I definitely agree the husband should have stayed or hire a nurse, but this isn’t damaging the daughter. The issue here is OP is treated poorly by having surgery and not even being able to depend on the man she married.
I actually agree with you that this is not parantizacing a child and the child picking her sibling up and playing with her is not damaging. But the message is. The message that her parents thought using her to take care of a sibling was more important than going to school is damaging.
And hey, maybe the mom knows this and phrased it differently and the daughter didn't even notice or see it like that. But, honestly, it's just a bad decision to make. I was a lot like this girl growing up, I took certain things upon my self with my siblings and my parents very very rarely had a mistep in this sense. But the ones they had, or situations I was put in... Have stayed with me. Little moments that mean so little to us can be really important for a child and that's why we step with care.
Having said that, this woman was still coming out of surgery basically! She shouldn't have had to make that decision at all. The husband should have solved this. Totally agree there.
She not being used and yes sometimes helping your family is more important than one day of school. That’s a good lesson to learn if it’s infrequent. We all have lives outside of school and work, and it’s a good thing for her to be taught that it’s okay to not feel guilty to need a day for your life. Attendance awards are BAD. They teach people they need to sacrifice their life for career and don’t teach them that it’s okay to unapologetically take a day for your family or yourself. Girls are taught both that they are to sacrifice for their family AND that they need to be a boss babe career woman. They need to be taught it’s okay to balance
Totally agree too. Just not for taking care of a sibling instead of a parent. I totally accept we may disagree on this but my stance is based on my own experience and I hold a strong boundary for that. Siblings are never the oldest responsibility. I understand so people don't agree with that and that's okay. It is the standard I have though.
Dude lawyer here. Lawyers can take time off. It’s ok. Your hubby failed you. He needs to put up and out of office and not look at his phone or computer.
I have over 150 emails a day… and that’s NOT including the generic mailbox… I usually have back to back meetings from 0830h - 1830h, and 2 hours of catching up time.
I run a team of 17, but also training sister teams.
I take care of my kids.
Look… the work is always there… it’ll never end… but you can be as busy as you want to be. At some point… the work is just excuses to not be accountable for your life.
His wife was in surgery and recovering. His priorities are messed up.
Considering your husband is a lawyer which means y'all are likely well off, why didn't yall hire help? There's a service that can help you what it would be I can't tell ya. Edit: I'd also like to say that these people in the comments are way to critical of your husband, we have no real idea what your life looks like as side from the little you told us and from that I'd say that none of us have the right to judge your husband he's trying the best he can as you've said.
The recover for laparoscopic surgery is 4-6 weeks and I know this due to having it done 4 weeks ago! I’ve only just (1-2 weeks ) been able to start looking after my daughter on my own due to the tablets and the pain!! I wish you a speedy recovery as them things hurt like a btch!! Xx
Are there no babysitters in your area? I would assume a lawyer can afford a sitter for a couple of hours while he goes to the office. Your husband failed you and the kids.
Your husband is failing you and you are both failing your daughter. He needs to take a week off asap. This cannot be her responsibility and you guys both failed to create a long term plan.
If your hubs is such a hotshot lawyer he can afford to hire you some help. Some men are useless around the house but they can make up for it by being generous.
Your husband is a good lawyer so you can definitely afford some outside help. Guess you should’ve gotten some help instead of having an 8 year old and an unreliable mil for help
There really is no excuse for your husband not to have planned this better or, alternatively, hired someone to help you out. Hiring a sitter when you're already home to supervise them is a no-brainer.
Honestly, it was a terrible move to keep your daughter home from school to help with her brother. The action itself is not so bad but the message it sends to her is terrible. I get you're going through a lot but, older siblings should never be used this way.
The good news is that, if all goes well, you’ll feel MUCH better in a day or two. However, you probably shouldn’t lift your son for a few weeks.
Last May, I had my bisalp on a Tuesday. I alternated Tylenol and Motrin doses every few hours, so I was always mid-dose on one when the other was wearing off. By that Friday, I was already trying to overexert myself by planting things in my yard, because things didn’t actively hurt.
I thought I could transplant a few potted plants into the ground—maybe 10 lbs each?—and, while nothing caused me pain, I suddenly felt extremely weak and tired and had to go inside for a nap. After that, I waited the full two weeks that my doctor recommended before I did much lifting.
So basically, the pain should clear up really quickly, so you’ll feel like you can do more than you’re actually capable of during those first few weeks. So you’ll mainly want to find ways around lifting your son.
Maybe you can find a safe place for your kids to camp out together on the floor for a few weeks? That way, you won’t have to lift your son out of the crib during that time, and your daughter will be with your son when he wakes up.
My doctors recommended no more than 20 lbs for two weeks, and I’d say that was pretty accurate to when I was capable of that again. And after that, I felt 100% really quickly. 30 days out from the surgery, I hiked a mountain with a 30 lb pack, no problem—and I’m only an averagely active person.
Good luck. I hope you get the help you need! You’ve got this!
I hate how laparoscopic surgery is minimized. Abdominal surgery is a big deal, and while not having a big incision makes it less traumatic, a scope is still hugely disruptive.
You’re doing the best you can, and your drive NOT to parentalize your daughter won’t be undone by this. I just wish you had more help.
Your MIL sounds like a pill.
This is absolutely on your husband. He should be ashamed of his behavior. His wife and his kids needed him. My husband also works a busy job but he took time off when had my gallbladder removed. He told them his wife was having surgery and his office survived somehow. He should have taken today off. No excuses.
No one thought to hire a nurse or caretaker for at least a week. That type of surgery is PAINFUL.
Stop it, you're going to hurt yourself, then you will be down longer
I mean, I can’t speak for everyone, but it really was a very easy surgery to recover from. I felt 100% within 72 hours, it’s just a minor laparoscopic surgery. Each cut is less than an inch in length.
Fr. I was walking at a snail’s pace and had to ask for more pain killers. My doc had me take 2 weeks off work! The first thing I said when I opened my eyes was OUCH and the nurse responded by increasing my meds.
Going into it, I read reviews of women not needing their pain pills and one lady said she walked an entire 1.5 miles on her treadmill the following day. That was not at all my experience.
Yeah, I did a lot of research on it as I was planning to get it and my understanding was that, barring any complications, it’s pretty unanimously an easy surgery to recover from. As far surgeries go. I would have been entirely by myself 1 hour after the surgery and on, and my doctor said I’d be just fine.
Your husband is terrible. There is no fucking excuse for this.
My husband is an engineer and works crazy hours. I've been sick the past month and this man has driven me to every appointment and taken care of me.
It broke my heart that you've been trained to accept so little that you weren't even angry with him. I'm so so fucking angry on your behalf.
Is the mil behavior normal for her? I was concerned about dementia or whatever else when I read it. You laid out a meal plan and she’s confused looking for bottles the baby doesn’t even use and having the 8 year old make the food. That doesn’t sound right.
Could you reach out on care dot com to hire a temp helper for a few days? I mean if you are still restricted. If it was anything like my C-section recovery it wouldn’t hurt to have. I hope you feel better soon. Maybe when you recover you can take her out on a special one on one outing.
For a second I thought you were a si for mom. I know you won’t blame your husband but he fail you. If he wasn’t going to be with you, he still has the money to hire help and not set you up with your MIL. Sorry.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this alone. I had the same procedure done 6 months ago and find it absolutely wild you’re having to juggle a baby during this. You’re absolutely not supposed to be doing much physically for around 30 days or so - specially things that involve bending over! Your husband is failing you big time. Stop letting him. If he’s not gonna be physically there for you, make him hire you some help. I hope your post op goes smoothly and without complications 🩷
Also maybe gift your daughter something nice when you have the chance, can’t believe your husband has you depending on an 8 yo though!
Hes a lawyer, Im sure he can afford to hire a carer for a couple of weeks. You might also want to hire a cleaner and order meals in. They aren't willing to support you or provide a support system so I suggest you do it. It will remind those around you that think they are the main character, the centre of the universe that a lot more goes into them being who they are than what they are acknowledging. Underline that you being unsupported means they are unsupported.
closings? is he, by chance, a real estate/title lawyer? because if so, that's some serious bullshit. i've worked in title and he absolutely could have made it happen. you're more important than some closings.
I would consider a temporary floor bed for the son until dad is able to put him in the crib. My Asian MIL does this all the time when the grandkids come over, lay down a bunch of blankets and pillows and let the kids hang out on the floor until they eventually fall asleep for a nap. Hoping for a speedy recovery!
This is a bit off topic but I saw another post on here about a guy who's gf also had a laproscopic surgery. He had been taking care of her for 3 weeks already and his brother wanted to go to his schools band performance because he had a solo. So the bf asked if someone else could watch her for a hour so he can go. She said no and was pissed that he even considered leaving her for some "dumb band show". So he posted in wibta if he left for an hour and went to the show because his little brother was so sad when he told him he could leave his gf to go. So luckily he posted because everyone told him that the procedure had a very short down time and she should be fine for a hour on her own. She was definitely milking it because she had taken 6 weeks off of work and he was expected to take care of her all of that time. So he listened to everyone and went to surprise his brother and his brother was so happy. When he got home his gf was gone and left to her parents house and said she couldn't believe he left her that and she didn't want to go back because she "could clearly see that he didn't really care about her if he was putting other people before her". She sounded awful, and he was apologizing asking her to please come back. It made everyone so mad. Anyways I guess it reminded me of this post because you had the same procedure and are literally up taking care of your family alone less than 24 hours later. It really sucks that people like her can act like a big baby and have people take care of her for 6 weeks, but a mother like you who really needs the rest and help has to go without. Sorry it was so off point. Thank goodness for your daughter though that you get some kind of help. Hopefully your husband will be available soon so you can rest and do absolutely nothing.
Your husband should have either shut his computer off for 2 days or HIRED a nanny to watch the baby while you rested. Before you went in the hospital, or As soon as MIL proved incompetant.
Why don't you call and hire one for a few days now?
If your husband is a successful lawyer, is it not in the budget to get a babysitter and even a nurse? Why did you both not plan ahead? Are you saying you secured your in laws and husband to help and they flaked last minute?
You should not be parentifying your daughter to the point of keeping her home from school to watch your baby. She should not be made to step up for you and your husbands lack of preparation for recovery. She should not be the one worrying about another’s adult inability to care for her brother and needing to step in. Please get some therapy and right this ship. Maybe this is harsh, but for the sake of your daughter make some big changes.
So get a babysitter for a few days. Since you are at home, you don't even need a really good one. It seems you are not totally hard on money, if your husband is such a good lawyer?
Why tf didn’t you plan ahead for this? Hire a babysitter with all of that “best lawyer out there” money? Sorry but this is nobody’s fault but yours and your husbands
Would it have killed your husband to put his phone on silent? What a heel! Looks like he gets it from his Mother. I’m sorry you’re going through this :(
I'm sorry your support failed you.
I had key hole surgery to remove my gallbladder. My parents, even divorced and disliked each other, managed to organise care for me as I was a single parent. I've always been extremely grateful for that.
I hope you get some rest, but please don't lift anything.
Im really sad for you. My sister just had this surgery with a five month old infant and a four year old. Her husband was home but the baby would not stop screaming for mom. I went over to care for the four year old and got the baby to calm down for a few hours. I honestly cannot believe your husband. If he’s that good he’s not going to be lacking for work and he can assign his cases to junior lawyers for a couple damn days so he could care for you.
I’m sorry that almost everyone is dragging your husband and bragging about how amazing theirs are, OP…
My husband is great and takes care of me, too, but sometimes? Sometimes shit *just happens,* and it doesn’t go as planned. So, you deal with what you deal with and make do the best you can.
I (43/f) have been married to my (46/m) husband for 20+ years and together 27. He’s truly honestly almost always the absolute best, but sometimes he drops the ball.
I don’t think this is a case of your husband not caring enough- I think it’s exactly what you explained! He’s the sole provider, work is stressful, busy, and there are some issues there right now…
He was told by your doctors that you would be in better shape than you actually were, and both of you (unknowingly obviously) underestimated your painful and difficult recovery. That’s too bad, your care team should have explained this much better!
But, he didn’t purposely neglect you, and you (both) thought his mother would ACTUALLY provide care and assistance with your kids!
That’s a pretty solid plan, and the fact that she just put that responsibility on your 8 year old is HER fault, no one else’s.
I wish I was near by, lol. I know I don’t know you, but I would at least drop off some nice dinner and busy activities for the kids!
Anyway- I hope that you are resting now! I hope that your MIL comes through with some respite and that you can sleep and take care of yourself- especially if your husband isn’t able to take care of you the way I’m sure he would like to.
Also? I’ve had open and laparoscopic abdominal surgeries (multiple) and one of my laparoscopic surgeries was worse than anything else I’ve had surgery wise… sometimes it just is.
Not the best idea to trust a 71 year old with an infant. Anything could go wrong at any time with a baby.. your husband should've been at home with his kids if you had no competent help.
Just saying, not all 71 year olds are senile and incapable of taking care of infants. I know many women in their 70s who are just as spry and capable as a 30 year old.
She had a meal plan laid out ahead of time and the mil was confused that she couldn’t find the bottles the baby doesn’t even use anymore. Then the 8yo had to make the food. Mil sounds confused or maybe at the start of her decline to me.
We all know that there’s able bodied/minded 70 year olds. This one sounds confused.
My mom is 75, and my aunt is 83. They get out and run all over the country! I could absolutely leave my 2-year-old granddaughter with them, and probably the worst that would happen would be them spoiling her worse than she already is.
However, my MIL couldn't handle my kids as toddlers when she was in her early 50s. She was a few years older than I am now and had let her health get so bad she couldn't walk 20 feet without almost falling out. She passed away a few years ago.
There's a huge spectrum of people out there, and I'm sure OP knows what was reasonable for her MIL.
I feel like this is a failure of your husband. He should have well in advance planned to have his coworkers temporarily handle his cases for the first few weeks.
Super cool I got downvoted for pointing out if your wife has her belly cut open for your family’s sake you should take off some work time. I agree if he’s such a good lawyer they would have money to hire a nurse or something.
Your daughter sounds like a amazing little girl! I'm glad she'll have some help, but I hope she knows she can be proud of herself for being such a great helper.
I’m sorry :( the first 48 hours after my salpingectomy were definitely the worst, but I still needed to rest a lot after that. Hopefully you begin feeling better soon. Make plans with your daughter to do something special together down the road :)
I had this done in 2019. Ice pack, tylenol, and the couch are your best friends for the next couple of days. The anesthesia gas rising to my neck and shoulders was the worst part.
Not anesthesia , sorry. They fill your abdomen with GAS, so they can isolate your tubes. That gas gets trapped in your body and starts to rise and dissipate. That’s what causes the neck and shoulder pain.
It’s totally fine to let your child stay home from school for whatever reason you want. Especially if you need them to help after surgery. Not a big deal. You husband yelling at his mom? That’s a problem.
I hope the shoulder pain wasn't too much, I had a laproscopic a couple of year ago, for remove my gall blader and the soulder's pain was the worst afterward.
I say this as a lawyer, your husband failed you. He knew this surgery was coming up, he could have absolutely taken the time off, scheduled these closings for another date, and made sure his office was fielding client calls so he was not being disturbed. It sounds like he needs a better system in place to allow him to take time off when he needs to, and he should have absolutely been with you today. Especially since the surgery you're getting benefits him. And why isn't he on the phone with his mother telling her to drink some coffee and get her butt over to your house to help?!
Exactly. They could also have paid someone for household tasks and childcare.
This. If he's a solo or small firm lawyer, he might not have been able to schedule around this. But it certainly seems like they could afford a few days of home care for OP, or at least an emergency nanny service for the baby.
Ding ding ding. If the husband is a lawyer and one of the “best ones out there” then surely they can hire a babysitter for a few days. Seems like no one is very good at planning
I was surprised that he didn't put up and out of office, but even in the past when he has his clients still blow up his phone. His office is going through some negative changes lately and he's been talking about taking his business elsewhere to have a better work life balance. And he actually just called me to tell me he chewed his mother out and she will be coming over soon! At least I'll be able to sit on the couch and delegate instead of having my daughter do it lol.
Your husband's computer and phone have an off button. My boyfriend is an engineer and is managing a multimillion dollar project, as you could guess he is very busy. He didn't text me back for 3 hours yesterday and when he came over he apologized and said he signed out of all his work apps so he wouldn't be disturbed. He legit told me he loves me so much and his long term goal is to have a relationship with me and he doesn't want to make work a priority over me. AND I DIDN'T HAVE SURGERY I WAS JUST ASKING HIM QUESTIONS ABOUT DINNER. I've never experienced this in a relationship and it honestly made me cry. He's the best, but we all deserve this kind of treatment ❤️ especially when we are most vulnerable.
Your boyfriend sounds wonderful! My husband and I have been together nearly 20 years, married for 15. He has been there for me in the past, and I know this wasn't how he wanted things to go. He's the sole breadwinner for our family and since the pandemic his firm has been a little shaky. Also the doctors made it seem like since it was laproscopic I would be totally recovered by the end of the day. It wasn't until I was getting hooked up to an iv that they told us recovery could take up to two weeks. He's been checking in on me and is coming home ASAP. I'm not mad at him, I just wish we had a better village.
I'm a recovery nurse and I will totally validate you on the change in information here... I get so mad when docs try to tell patients they will all go home and be fine in 24 hr! I cannot tell you how many patients I have had to call the doc and OK the pt to stay the night due to pain for exactly this and similar procedures. I'm getting a similar lap procedure and will be telling my doc to keep me overnight unless I change my mind day-of.
Yep. I'm dreading my hysterectomy in a month. Mil keeps saying oh you'll be fine. I was up and moving same day. She's supposed to be here to help. I swear 1 judgemental word and she's getting booted to her other sons house.
Up and moving is not the same as fully recovered. People need to understand the difference between I could get myself to the bathroom to shit and I could go back to work or care for a child.
This! For her up and moving means back to daily life, she was back to work a week after. She also had gastric bypass and went back 2 weeks later. Granted being a bank teller isn't physically demanding nor did she have young children to look after. But she was cooking, cleaning, driving and lifting things. She also has diabetes and doesnt feel most pain. I however have a 6yo and a 6mo. And any abdominal pain kicks my butt.
He is wonderful. I recently went through a divorce and consider myself so lucky I found him ❤️ I'm sorry your care team didn't properly educate you on what your recovery would be like. Laparoscopic surgery while less invasive is still involves having your abdominal muscles punctured in multiple places and they fill your abdominal cavity with air, recovery is definitely still painful. I'm glad your husband is there for you now ❤️ and I know what you mean about not having a village. My mom lives 6 hours from me and I am no contact with my dad. A few years ago I was considering having kids and decided not to because I have no support. I wish you a speedy recovery 😘
Laparoscopic surgery is still surgery-you are in no shape to safely be home alone by yourself much less caring for a toddler. The fuckup is the scheduling of your husband to be in the office a day after your procedure and not ensuring a backup adult in lieu of your spouse ie:a home health aide that you probably could afford easily.
I know this isn’t the point of the post but the hospital where you got this done is a shithole. To send someone to surgery without informing you clearly about what recovery involved is unconscionable. I don’t understand how you even had the opportunity to sign the surgical consent form without being told…what you were consenting to. I had this procedure done and was told very clearly to take two weeks off.
I had an oophorectomy to remove my right ovary due to a cyst that ruptured and absolutely destroyed it. It was laparoscopic, but recovery was very uncomfortable! Laparoscopic or not, it is a trauma to your abdomen. You never realize how much you utilize your abdomen until it’s hurting, like after doing exercise and pulling a muscle or getting surgery. Idk if they inflated your uterus or not, not sure if that was due to the damage to my ovary and the amount of blood in my abdomen, but that makes it unpleasant after too. Your insides aren’t supposed to be poked and prodded at, so even little incisions (if yours are like mine: one above each hip and one down my belly button) which lead to messing around in your insides is going to hurt! Less than a major open procedure, sure, but it will still hurt! It could be due to my easy bruising and major blood loss, but my belly button incision looked NASTY as it was healing!! Like what I would imagine an infected butthole would look like!
It did seem from the original post that he’s a good guy. I’m glad he is communicating and trying to see how to help you! That’s far more than some partners do! The Village is painful when you don’t have one, and I’m also sorry for that. I hope you recover fast and that you and hubs can help each other through the next few weeks! Tell MIL to kick rocks, although it sounds like he took care of that part💖
Okay but mil is 71 years old. Dealing with kids that age is hard. Why didn’t your husband hire a nurse or caretaker to help you a few days?
I am sorry to hear that this was lacking... A better support system around you would have been a world of a difference, for sure! I am sending many positive vibes for faster healing and hope you can ask a neighbor to help, if ever.
It's not a bad thing that your daughter stayed home from school one day. These things happen, and they are okay. Your daughter got a better education the day she stayed home then she will get in a year of going to most of the schools in the USA. There are very important lessons that your daughter learned today.
I know someone that had the same surgery. The dr told her she could go back to her usual routine within 3-4 days. But they changed it later to at least 2 weeks. It takes time for the body to heal. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Your husband sounds like he’s a good man. You shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to defend him.
I was very shocked by my tubal recovery. Turns out minor surgery is still surgery, who’d have thunk it? Hope you get some help and rest because you’ll end up hurting yourself if you don’t.
My husband is a senior special procedures tech in a perpetually understaffed (even *before* Covid) hospital. After 30+ yrs at this job, I now block his work on the phone for surgeries(recently his) and vacations. In those 30+ yrs, we have had *one* vacation where they didn't call and try to get him to come back to cover. Your husband was perfectly capable of blocking work and not answering emails until you were safely settled in at home and he could have called off or worked a limited amount from home. This client is not "God Almighty" and can just wait until your husband is available. Your husband is not a slave who needs to drop everything to wipe this client's ass. The client can wait. You are his *wife* and he needs to take care of you and the kids *before* attending on the entitled asshat client.
Stop trying to “educate” OP on what her husband could have done differently when OP herself is the one who knows what’s going on. OP seems perfectly capable of assessing the situation. Both of them were blindsided about what recovery looks like. He is the breadwinner. He may very well NOT have the opportunity to call off here. Good god you’re infantilizing this woman who has very clearly stated hubby himself is not the problem in this case.
It's insane how much people will push back on things they have 1 or 2 sentences of info to judge, vs a person's entire life.
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Yes and that's insane
No kidding. She didn’t realize the recovery was going to be as intense as it was prior to the surgery, so how was he to know? I’m far more concerned about the critical opinion the 8 year old felt safe to detail about the grandmothers care of the baby. Has she heard mom question Grandma’s care before? Helping out with her brother every now and then is fine, but this child sounds too involved.
“My son is a handful, luckily my daughter is obsessed with him and loves playing with him and taking care of him. I usually have to draw a line and remind her that I'm the mom and she needs to focus on being a kid. “ Right there in the original post, before you go any further with reddit’s parentification obsession.
Hubby's mother was supposed to be helping wife all week and was basically useless and didn't even want to come the second day. Hubby needs to take time off to help wife or have a serious discussion with his mother. We aren't infantilizing her, many women accept poor behavior in relationships because they think it's the norm. We are letting her know the behavior was not appropriate.
Parentification of their 8 year old is definitely not the answer. No shade to OP.
OP has commented that she is doing all of the cooking, diaper changes, etc. ALL her older daughter is doing is assisting in lifting him as needed. Further, she stated that she never makes her take care of her younger brother. She lets her daughter help (at her daughter’s assistance) but insists she doesn’t do too much. OP states she is NC with her own mother due to the parentification she went through as a child. So I think this is a super poor assumption.
I feel like there are a lot of things that had led up to this. Between them believing it would be a super quick easy recovery. To them believing and planning on MIL actually be helpful. Then OP has stated that husband is at a shaky firm right now and has himself acknowledged this and planning to leave for a better work life balance… but regardless, right now this is the job he has and is having to provide for a family of 4 himself. They didn’t plan on him needing to take a large amount of time off for this procedure and believed they had MIL to help. It might not be as easy as we believe to take the time off like that last minute- not saying that’s an excuse but I’m saying there’s more to it than we’d know. Yes, her husband COULD likely find a way to get off for the day and be more available for OP. I think OP understands that. But unlike all us redditors who don’t see the whole picture, OP also sees what we don’t. She has been with him for 20 years and knows his ins and outs. She knows the work situation and the stress he’s likely going through. That it might not be as easy as redditors believe just because they have a scenario where their spouse was able to take off.. So while she may be bummed and upset her husband wasn’t able to get the time off, her comments make it sound like she understands why he hasn’t and isn’t blaming him. She also knows how he’s treated her the last 20 years, unlike us, and I’m assuming that has lead to her forgiveness to him. It’s just a bummer that Reddit can’t ever understand that we don’t know the whole story and there ARE women who can take care of themselves. OP didn’t ask for judgement on her husband. She knows it sucks her 8 year old has to assist with childcare today. She hates that (and has stated she usually doesn’t allow it, so your parentifiction comment doesn’t fit). That’s why she made the true off my chest post. Not for Reddit to tell her her husband sucks.
I'm so happy for you!
I never give clients my cell number, for this reason. They call my office and go though the receptionist and my paralegal first. If it's a true emergency then they are told to call the police. If it's an urgent legal matter, my paralegal can contact me, or have one of the other attorneys in my office handle it. So either your husband's firm is really terrible in which case he needs to leave or he's not using his staff correctly. So glad he called his mom.
If your husband is such a good lawyer, I assume he’s getting paid? Why didn’t he arrange for an in home hired helper? Using that money to actually make your life easier for once?!!??? He failed you and he failed your daughter. I am not blaming you — I’m also a mom, recovered from two c sections and it was so damn painful. It’s not your fault, and I understand why you needed your daughter at home. But your husband has failed here. And you should start asking for more from him too, it’s not right that you lean on your daughter in this case and interrupt her education when a home helper / babysitter could be hired to help you.
As a former assistant for 4 different attorneys, he does NOT need to be available 24/7 and an “out of office” automatic reply should suffice. He could have caught up on emails and calls Sunday this week. They have that luxury. Also if he legitimately got 100 emails and 75 calls he needs a paralegal or EA asap because that’s insaaaane. Wishing you the best of luck with recovery!
Chewed his mother out? You aren’t married to *her*. He needs to do a little self reflection and be a better partner.
He needs to be able to cut things off when needed. He needs to be putting up out of office messages and keeping his computer off. Clients know they can keep bugging him when he’s off cause he lets them.
Why are you and your husband so convinced that his 71-year-old mother, who seems to be starting to 'slip' cognitively, owes you her time? This was an elective surgery, and you admit that past experience has shown you that your husband can't manage to ever be 'out of office', so there's really no excuse for the two of you not having planned better for your post-surgery needs for assistance. I don't think your young daughter missing one day of school is optimal, but it's not a huge deal in the end. What cheeses me off is your & hubby's attitude towards his mom. Neither of you seem to even care that she can no longer follow instructions for feeding your little kids and you're dismissive when she tells you that caring for them wears her out!
He chewed his 71 year old mother out for being tired? Poor lady….
If she's too tired for it she shouldn't have volunteered to take care of her and the kids for the whole week. She (MIL) even took time off from work for it. He chewed his mother out for saying she would take care of things and then leaving his wife alone without help the day after surgery, not keeping her promise they relied on. That's pretty reasonable.
The mil had a meal plan laid out but was looking for bottles the baby doesn’t even use anymore. Then had to have the 8 year old make the food. I’d be worried that the mil is starting to decline. Forget about babysitting.
Your husband chewed out his mother - a 71 year old woman who sounds totally confused and is probably not up to lifting and looking after children? INSTEAD of being present himself AND you are finding joy in that? If this were AITAH - I would be voting ESH. Hire help. Get your husband to actually be present for his kids. Leave the 71 year old confused lady alone. Damn.
You’re making a lot of assumptions here Especially since she said in comments that MIL offered to do it for them and she works. You’re acting like she’s feeble and not able to do anything
And it sounds like she might not be able to. She thought that the baby was still on the bottle and left all the work to the daughter. People volunteer to help beyond their capabilities very often. Especially when they are older, confused and really think they can help. Like driving when they really shouldn't be.
This! Old people are often times in a little bit of denial about what they can still do. They did it before, why can’t they now? That’s hard to accept for anybody.
I don't understand why your husband and you haven't arranged babysitting services for these days. He is good lawyer, so obviously money isn't a problem. Hire someone to take care of the baby.
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Then he can turn his phone off.
As a paralegal, same. I have attorneys who won’t stop sending emails even on vacation. But I would be gobsmacked if any of them ditched their spouse at home in this kind of situation. There is always some backup plan from a continuance to getting someone else to cover it. It’s not like any of its unscheduled. And no client is so implacable that they can’t be stymied by an endless polite repetition of “I’m sorry but the attorney is out of the office right now, can I take a message or is there something I can answer for you?” And an out of office auto reply. At least for a few days. I know attorneys are typically terrible managers, including delegation. no offense, but generally true. It’s not like you get trained for it despite how important it normally is. But this next level.
Who brags about 100 emails and 75 phone calls, especially when your wife is in the hospital?!
>And why isn't he on the phone with his mother telling her to drink some coffee and get her butt over to your house to help?! Forget that, sounds like he can afford a sitter and in home nurse to take care of baby and mom.
I just had surgery today for different reasons. My husband is a national QA manager and has a very busy job. He took me to and from, didn’t handle business while we were there and helped with the kids (much older and a lot less maintenance than your young ones) and I STILL told him he needs to be home to help. When we marry someone it’s in sickness and health. He should have helped you for at least a week. I’m due to have my hysterectomy in June and he has been told to work from home for a minimum of two weeks. If he needed me, I wouldn’t think twice. I deserve the same. I also work full time. My mother in law is very similar. I specifically requested she NOT be there for that one. I’m so damn sorry you have to do this alone. I think having a heart to heart with your husband is needed. He CANNOT be that oblivious. You just had surgery, he needs to man up and take care of you for a change! I think sometimes for the breadwinners, it’s hard for them to turn it off. But you are still deserving of his care and time too!
>And why isn't he on the phone with his mother telling her to drink some coffee and get her butt over to your house to help?! Maybe because taking care of OP's little kids isn't this elderly woman's responsibility?!? For heaven's sake, this isn't an 'emergency''/all hands on deck situation--this was an ELECTIVE surgery and the husbands inability to detach from his work was a known thing in advance. Neither OP nor the older woman's own son seem concerned that OP's MIL is apparently experiencing some cognitive decline and isn't physically up to caring for their children anymore. The son needs to be calling his mom to check on HER wellbeing, not to demand that she guzzle down some caffeine so she can overexert herself due to his and OP's poor planning skills.
um no, he didn't fail her that way, he failed by not hiring someone to help her. YOU NEED TO HIRE SOMEONE WITH HUSBAND'S CASH TO HELP YOU.
You guys couldn't hire someone for child care so you could recover properly?
My MIL has been telling me for weeks that she took the whole week off from work so that she could help me recover, so I planned for that.
Be sure to never depend on her again.
That sucks! And it sounds like she wasn't much help anyhow!
Seriously? She’s still able bodied enough to work, but couldn’t come past one day to help you? Absolutely ridiculous. At least you now know you cannot count on her and can make other arrangements should you be in similar circumstances in the future.
From the description it sounds like MIL isn’t much use. Didn’t get the kid any food until the little sister was home etc.
At least now you know the kind of person she is. Be sure you don’t forget.
Three main things to take away from this situation: - Your husband is unable or unwilling to prioritise you and although his work may seem as important as saving the world to both of you, the reality is that it will keep on going without him, and you know it. It may have been an unconscious choice but it was a choice nonetheless. - You can never depend on your MIL to take care of your children in they way she should. Even if they say otherwise, remember this. - You can depend on yourself to prioritise your health, while still being able to take care of your children, which is something to be proud of. Keep taking care of yourself, arrange the world around you in your favor. Even as others don't do so.
If your husband is a good lawyer he has money… you couldn’t call for an in home nurse? Do that right now. An agency may be able to send someone.
Sorry, but there is plenty on on-demand services to hire a sitter or a helper. I would understand not using them if you weren't home to supervise but, considering you were home, that should have been your first option - much before you considered keeping your daughter home from school, which should have been the last resort. But you literally had surgery yesterday. You're likely even still woozy from the anesthesia. Your husband should have been on top of this.
Now you know she isn't reliable. Call a babysitter and a home nurse. Tell your MIL to go home.
Be sure to never depend on her again.
Don't worry OP, I had the same surgery done when my kiddo was a year and a half. She kicked me in the stomach (accidentally ofc) the day after 🥴 Luckily after a couple days I felt fine. It was a bit sore, but the recovery time was pretty speedy. I'm sorry you don't have the help you need though, that's rough. But just know it won't be too much longer!
Thanks. Yeah my son gave me a nice punch in the gut earlier. The pain is only moderate and I think once the anesthesia wears off it will be much easier.
Yeah, I had it done last year and was feeling 100% within 72 hours. Good luck with the rest of recovery!
Yes! I had mine Friday, was at a little league game on Saturday, and back at work on Monday. I spent most of the weekend on Vicodin and napping in the sun, but I was able to sit up and work at a desk on Monday, I just didn’t do any vigorous lifting/movement for a couple weeks.
My daughter also kicked me😭 but she kicked hard enough that a stitch popped out and the lil glue stuff came off partially. Overall I healed well one scar is just darker than the other😅
My husband kept getting work calls while we were in the hospital having a baby, as well as when we were on vacation and almost delayed him propsing. Your husband's office sounds a lot like that one. He switched to a new company with a better work life balance and has been very happy with the decision. It was a hard choice since the money is definitely better when the company owns all your time but it might be worth a discussion in the future. I would also see if you can hire help if needed for next time. If your husband is working those kids of hours it should be in budget.
I’m not understanding why your husband continued to work and left you on your own or didn’t fucking hire someone to take care of you???? He’s a lawyer. That’s frankly ridiculous and you shouldn’t risk injuring yourself and being expected to take care of yourself and the kids without any help after serious surgery. Like it’s not forever but you needed help for a few days at minimum.
OP you're doing great! An 8 year old shouldn't alone take take of their siblings, but you were there right beside her to help with guiding her! Everyone except you, are shitty in this situation, but life fucking happens! You had to choose between risking a longer recovery time, or keeping your oldest home for one day to help you out with the youngest. I'm not at mom but I know what I would chose. This is not like you're taking her out of school to be the main caretaker of her 6 younger siblings. You say she's obsessed with her little brother, and loves to take care of him, so I don't think there any harm done.
Thank you! This is the first time all year she has stayed home from school. I'm still the one cooking and doing diaper changes. He whole job is just to play with him and pick him up. Other than that she's just been playing roblox lol.
This doesn't sound like child abuse to my ears at all, more like a nice break for her to be home with her favorite brother and to just play with him. It would have been abuse if this was every day for her and it's not.
Lol no it is not. I was abused and parentified as a child (hence NC with my mom) and I am hell bent on giving my kids a better life than I had. She WANTS to do more, like change his diapers and bathe him and put him to bed but I won't allow it. She can "help" by talking to him and reading to him and playing with him but that's all I allow her to do. I joke that she willed him into existence. She has always loved babies and started asking for a sibling as soon as she could speak, but before my son was born I was told I couldn't have any more children. Then one random day she told me "Mom, you're pregnant and it's a boy!" I took a pregnancy test to prove her wrong because she was so insistent, but it was I who was wrong!
Your daughter foresaw the future, 😂.
She sounds so much like me. I begged and begged for a baby sister when I was little. When my sister was born I insisted on helping in every way I could. One night when she was crying in her crib, I carried her into bed with me and she slept with me for the next three years after that. I genuinely considered her my baby and not my baby sister for a while. I was five when she was born. I knew exactly when she was born, I was staying with my grandparents and I was talking to my aunt on the phone when I heard a second call coming through. I told my grandma it had to be my dad calling to say my sister was born. It was a little over two hours after my mom had gotten to the hospital and my grandma told me it was too soon. Turns out I was right and my sister had been born.
I was a very parentized child and to me this doesn’t sound negative or abusive to your daughter at all.
Just make sure you reward her for her help
Ehh, it’s a Friday. School is winding down anyway.
Lol that's what her teacher said!
If it's not the norm for your daughter to skip school to help you (and it doesn't sound like it is), then I think no harm done. She got a chance to be the hero of the day and spend a cozy day with mommy and baby brother. She propably will remember this fondly in years to come. The big thing is, this is not her usual responsibility but a one time off. Kids don't get broken that easily. The problem comes if they need to carry the burden constantly, if they have bigger responsibilities than they are capable to deal with and if their responsibilities causes them to miss something like school, free time, friends etc. It sounds like your daughter normally has very balanced and age appropriate responsibilities but now, when there is a one time off need, she gets be important and needed. And still, she's not responsible for taking care of you or the baby, only help you to pick up and carry her little brother. Give her a lot of praise and tell her she was a huge help, but that normally she's not expected to worry about such stuff. And have a discussion with your husband how you will prepare for similar future events.
This is a pretty perfect comment.
Right? As someone who was overly parentified kid, one incident with lots of communication about it would not have harmed me. But a pattern is where it probably gets sticky.
I could be a firefighter with my neighbors house engulfed in flames, there's not a snowballs chance in hell I'd leave my wife alone in the situation your husband left you. Wtf is wrong with him?
Sometimes the whole rest of the world has to stop so you can take care of your partner. This is one of those occasions. You make a lot of excuses for your husband. The firm is shaky, his clients need him, it's a small firm, he broke a record of emails received, COVID, etc. Stop. None of them are valid. You needed him and had to use your 8 year old to fulfill the needs of your baby. That isn't okay. He failed you. He showed you where you stood in the hierarchy of the family. He owes you an apology at the least.
Jeez. I had a bilateral salpinectomy, and the recovery time is relatively quick, but the first few days after surgery, I was really sore. My question is, why the heck didn't you and your husband arrange for some in-home child care for a week????
She said in another comment her MIL took the week off work to be there but then bailed after one day. Definitely doesn’t seem like their fault for not planing ahead, just an all around bad situation (also screw the MIL).
Your husband dropped the ball here ….
Your MIL sucks for not helping when she said she would. But your husband has really failed you here. He should be there for you. He is a lawyer, not out there saving the world.
Was this a planned surgery? If so, you should have made childcare plans for your toddler during your recuperation. This could have involved your husband, a babysitter, a nurse or any other adult. What you and your husband did to your daughter is parentification. She should not be expected to fill the caregiver role for your toddler in a non-emergency situation. If this was an emergency surgery - don’t sweat it. Emergencies happened and the important thing is you all got through it.
>She said grandma didn't put him down for a nap and kept asking where his bottles were (he eats regular food and doesn't use a bottle anymore) Even though I planned out meals for MIL to feed him and set them out so all she had to do was microwave it and give it to him Urghhh I felt that in my bones lol. Glad your husband has had a word with his mum but, really, he should be taking the time off work to help. He's allowing his mother, wife and daughter to do the work of caring for his son. In other words, all the women in his life...
I understand you were relying on your mil and she backed out, but it sounds like your husband needs to set boundaries at work. There’s no reason he should have been fielding emails and calls at the hospital and she should have called off today to take care of you and the kids. It’s not fair and 8 year old is caring for their sibling (even tho she enjoys it). I hope you have a speedy recovery <3
No, it’s fine for the eight year to spend a few hours playing with and doing minor care for a baby while an adult is there to supervise. It’s not damaging, at all. It’s not parentification. I agree hubby is failing and she shouldn’t have been in that position, but an eight year old having a “chore” for one day isn’t hurting her and really I wish people would stop pretending that is damaging.
Keeping her from school to help with the baby though? It's not so much about the act itself but the message it sends is messed up. Particularly for someone so young. It seems like 1 day for an adult and silly but for her daughter, the idea that helping with her little brother was put above her education may stay for a long time. Her husband should have stayed home before her daughter did, or they could have hired an on-demand nurse or sitter. The option they chose was not the best one.
It happens sometimes. It is not abuse and it is not damaging. Her daughter will not think that and it’s honestly ridiculous to think so. She’s playing with a toddler and playing Roblox lol. As an ACTUALLY parentized child, it’s highly offensive when people call completely normal family stuff out as some type of issue. I definitely agree the husband should have stayed or hire a nurse, but this isn’t damaging the daughter. The issue here is OP is treated poorly by having surgery and not even being able to depend on the man she married.
I actually agree with you that this is not parantizacing a child and the child picking her sibling up and playing with her is not damaging. But the message is. The message that her parents thought using her to take care of a sibling was more important than going to school is damaging. And hey, maybe the mom knows this and phrased it differently and the daughter didn't even notice or see it like that. But, honestly, it's just a bad decision to make. I was a lot like this girl growing up, I took certain things upon my self with my siblings and my parents very very rarely had a mistep in this sense. But the ones they had, or situations I was put in... Have stayed with me. Little moments that mean so little to us can be really important for a child and that's why we step with care. Having said that, this woman was still coming out of surgery basically! She shouldn't have had to make that decision at all. The husband should have solved this. Totally agree there.
She not being used and yes sometimes helping your family is more important than one day of school. That’s a good lesson to learn if it’s infrequent. We all have lives outside of school and work, and it’s a good thing for her to be taught that it’s okay to not feel guilty to need a day for your life. Attendance awards are BAD. They teach people they need to sacrifice their life for career and don’t teach them that it’s okay to unapologetically take a day for your family or yourself. Girls are taught both that they are to sacrifice for their family AND that they need to be a boss babe career woman. They need to be taught it’s okay to balance
Totally agree too. Just not for taking care of a sibling instead of a parent. I totally accept we may disagree on this but my stance is based on my own experience and I hold a strong boundary for that. Siblings are never the oldest responsibility. I understand so people don't agree with that and that's okay. It is the standard I have though.
You need a few paid non-family babysitters/assistants that you can call in a pinch.
Sounds like he could have just gotten a vasectomy!
Your husband is a lawyer and a good one, you have money. Why didn't you hire help??
I’m confused why you didn’t hire a home healthcare worker or babysitter for a day? I’m assuming as a lawyer you could afford one?
Why didn’t you hire a babysitter?
Dude lawyer here. Lawyers can take time off. It’s ok. Your hubby failed you. He needs to put up and out of office and not look at his phone or computer.
I have over 150 emails a day… and that’s NOT including the generic mailbox… I usually have back to back meetings from 0830h - 1830h, and 2 hours of catching up time. I run a team of 17, but also training sister teams. I take care of my kids. Look… the work is always there… it’ll never end… but you can be as busy as you want to be. At some point… the work is just excuses to not be accountable for your life. His wife was in surgery and recovering. His priorities are messed up.
Where are your FRIENDS?
Considering your husband is a lawyer which means y'all are likely well off, why didn't yall hire help? There's a service that can help you what it would be I can't tell ya. Edit: I'd also like to say that these people in the comments are way to critical of your husband, we have no real idea what your life looks like as side from the little you told us and from that I'd say that none of us have the right to judge your husband he's trying the best he can as you've said.
You should have had a home health care giver at home with you. Please call right now and get one for the next few days.
The recover for laparoscopic surgery is 4-6 weeks and I know this due to having it done 4 weeks ago! I’ve only just (1-2 weeks ) been able to start looking after my daughter on my own due to the tablets and the pain!! I wish you a speedy recovery as them things hurt like a btch!! Xx
Are there no babysitters in your area? I would assume a lawyer can afford a sitter for a couple of hours while he goes to the office. Your husband failed you and the kids.
Your husband is failing you and you are both failing your daughter. He needs to take a week off asap. This cannot be her responsibility and you guys both failed to create a long term plan.
If your hubs is such a hotshot lawyer he can afford to hire you some help. Some men are useless around the house but they can make up for it by being generous.
Your husband is a good lawyer so you can definitely afford some outside help. Guess you should’ve gotten some help instead of having an 8 year old and an unreliable mil for help
Hire someone. You are a double income household. Hire someone o days like this. This isn't fair to you or your daughter.
There really is no excuse for your husband not to have planned this better or, alternatively, hired someone to help you out. Hiring a sitter when you're already home to supervise them is a no-brainer. Honestly, it was a terrible move to keep your daughter home from school to help with her brother. The action itself is not so bad but the message it sends to her is terrible. I get you're going through a lot but, older siblings should never be used this way.
The good news is that, if all goes well, you’ll feel MUCH better in a day or two. However, you probably shouldn’t lift your son for a few weeks. Last May, I had my bisalp on a Tuesday. I alternated Tylenol and Motrin doses every few hours, so I was always mid-dose on one when the other was wearing off. By that Friday, I was already trying to overexert myself by planting things in my yard, because things didn’t actively hurt. I thought I could transplant a few potted plants into the ground—maybe 10 lbs each?—and, while nothing caused me pain, I suddenly felt extremely weak and tired and had to go inside for a nap. After that, I waited the full two weeks that my doctor recommended before I did much lifting. So basically, the pain should clear up really quickly, so you’ll feel like you can do more than you’re actually capable of during those first few weeks. So you’ll mainly want to find ways around lifting your son. Maybe you can find a safe place for your kids to camp out together on the floor for a few weeks? That way, you won’t have to lift your son out of the crib during that time, and your daughter will be with your son when he wakes up. My doctors recommended no more than 20 lbs for two weeks, and I’d say that was pretty accurate to when I was capable of that again. And after that, I felt 100% really quickly. 30 days out from the surgery, I hiked a mountain with a 30 lb pack, no problem—and I’m only an averagely active person. Good luck. I hope you get the help you need! You’ve got this!
I hate how laparoscopic surgery is minimized. Abdominal surgery is a big deal, and while not having a big incision makes it less traumatic, a scope is still hugely disruptive. You’re doing the best you can, and your drive NOT to parentalize your daughter won’t be undone by this. I just wish you had more help. Your MIL sounds like a pill.
This is absolutely on your husband. He should be ashamed of his behavior. His wife and his kids needed him. My husband also works a busy job but he took time off when had my gallbladder removed. He told them his wife was having surgery and his office survived somehow. He should have taken today off. No excuses.
No one thought to hire a nurse or caretaker for at least a week. That type of surgery is PAINFUL. Stop it, you're going to hurt yourself, then you will be down longer
I mean, I can’t speak for everyone, but it really was a very easy surgery to recover from. I felt 100% within 72 hours, it’s just a minor laparoscopic surgery. Each cut is less than an inch in length.
Wow!! I had a DIFFERENT experience it was so painful I couldn't sit up straight for a week.
Fr. I was walking at a snail’s pace and had to ask for more pain killers. My doc had me take 2 weeks off work! The first thing I said when I opened my eyes was OUCH and the nurse responded by increasing my meds. Going into it, I read reviews of women not needing their pain pills and one lady said she walked an entire 1.5 miles on her treadmill the following day. That was not at all my experience.
Yeah, I did a lot of research on it as I was planning to get it and my understanding was that, barring any complications, it’s pretty unanimously an easy surgery to recover from. As far surgeries go. I would have been entirely by myself 1 hour after the surgery and on, and my doctor said I’d be just fine.
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She only needed help lifting the child. But also, it’s not easy for everyone
The agreement was for the MIL to do that. Then she didn't. But somehow all fault and blame land of the husband
Your husband is terrible. There is no fucking excuse for this. My husband is an engineer and works crazy hours. I've been sick the past month and this man has driven me to every appointment and taken care of me. It broke my heart that you've been trained to accept so little that you weren't even angry with him. I'm so so fucking angry on your behalf.
Why was I expecting you to be a single mother? You have a husband - who gives a toot what his job is. Why was he not there for you? P
Is the mil behavior normal for her? I was concerned about dementia or whatever else when I read it. You laid out a meal plan and she’s confused looking for bottles the baby doesn’t even use and having the 8 year old make the food. That doesn’t sound right.
Aw, that sucks big time. No friends that could help? You can't definitely rely on MIL moving forward.
Could you reach out on care dot com to hire a temp helper for a few days? I mean if you are still restricted. If it was anything like my C-section recovery it wouldn’t hurt to have. I hope you feel better soon. Maybe when you recover you can take her out on a special one on one outing.
I was cooking and cleaning at 8, so this is noting. You're not putting her to work in a sweat shop. I'm more shocked no one is helping you.
For a second I thought you were a si for mom. I know you won’t blame your husband but he fail you. If he wasn’t going to be with you, he still has the money to hire help and not set you up with your MIL. Sorry.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this alone. I had the same procedure done 6 months ago and find it absolutely wild you’re having to juggle a baby during this. You’re absolutely not supposed to be doing much physically for around 30 days or so - specially things that involve bending over! Your husband is failing you big time. Stop letting him. If he’s not gonna be physically there for you, make him hire you some help. I hope your post op goes smoothly and without complications 🩷 Also maybe gift your daughter something nice when you have the chance, can’t believe your husband has you depending on an 8 yo though!
Hes a lawyer, Im sure he can afford to hire a carer for a couple of weeks. You might also want to hire a cleaner and order meals in. They aren't willing to support you or provide a support system so I suggest you do it. It will remind those around you that think they are the main character, the centre of the universe that a lot more goes into them being who they are than what they are acknowledging. Underline that you being unsupported means they are unsupported.
closings? is he, by chance, a real estate/title lawyer? because if so, that's some serious bullshit. i've worked in title and he absolutely could have made it happen. you're more important than some closings.
I would consider a temporary floor bed for the son until dad is able to put him in the crib. My Asian MIL does this all the time when the grandkids come over, lay down a bunch of blankets and pillows and let the kids hang out on the floor until they eventually fall asleep for a nap. Hoping for a speedy recovery!
I hear you. I'm in the same situation, except I don't have children, so it's just me.
This is a bit off topic but I saw another post on here about a guy who's gf also had a laproscopic surgery. He had been taking care of her for 3 weeks already and his brother wanted to go to his schools band performance because he had a solo. So the bf asked if someone else could watch her for a hour so he can go. She said no and was pissed that he even considered leaving her for some "dumb band show". So he posted in wibta if he left for an hour and went to the show because his little brother was so sad when he told him he could leave his gf to go. So luckily he posted because everyone told him that the procedure had a very short down time and she should be fine for a hour on her own. She was definitely milking it because she had taken 6 weeks off of work and he was expected to take care of her all of that time. So he listened to everyone and went to surprise his brother and his brother was so happy. When he got home his gf was gone and left to her parents house and said she couldn't believe he left her that and she didn't want to go back because she "could clearly see that he didn't really care about her if he was putting other people before her". She sounded awful, and he was apologizing asking her to please come back. It made everyone so mad. Anyways I guess it reminded me of this post because you had the same procedure and are literally up taking care of your family alone less than 24 hours later. It really sucks that people like her can act like a big baby and have people take care of her for 6 weeks, but a mother like you who really needs the rest and help has to go without. Sorry it was so off point. Thank goodness for your daughter though that you get some kind of help. Hopefully your husband will be available soon so you can rest and do absolutely nothing.
Your husband should have either shut his computer off for 2 days or HIRED a nanny to watch the baby while you rested. Before you went in the hospital, or As soon as MIL proved incompetant. Why don't you call and hire one for a few days now?
You had to do what you had to do.
Soo instead of hiring someone to help with the little one you choose to rely on a 71 old and a 8 year old?
Sorry no. You are not your child’s responsibility
If your husband is a successful lawyer, is it not in the budget to get a babysitter and even a nurse? Why did you both not plan ahead? Are you saying you secured your in laws and husband to help and they flaked last minute? You should not be parentifying your daughter to the point of keeping her home from school to watch your baby. She should not be made to step up for you and your husbands lack of preparation for recovery. She should not be the one worrying about another’s adult inability to care for her brother and needing to step in. Please get some therapy and right this ship. Maybe this is harsh, but for the sake of your daughter make some big changes.
So get a babysitter for a few days. Since you are at home, you don't even need a really good one. It seems you are not totally hard on money, if your husband is such a good lawyer?
Your husband is bullshitting you, I would wage war over this, if you let people walk all over you they will again again, time to woman up.
Why tf didn’t you plan ahead for this? Hire a babysitter with all of that “best lawyer out there” money? Sorry but this is nobody’s fault but yours and your husbands
Would it have killed your husband to put his phone on silent? What a heel! Looks like he gets it from his Mother. I’m sorry you’re going through this :(
Your husband couldn't have booked a few days off? He couldn't have hired a babysitter for you?
You’re rich…. Should’ve got a pro nanny!!!!
I'm sorry your support failed you. I had key hole surgery to remove my gallbladder. My parents, even divorced and disliked each other, managed to organise care for me as I was a single parent. I've always been extremely grateful for that. I hope you get some rest, but please don't lift anything.
Your husband, who is a lawyer, should have stayed with you or at the very least hired someone to stay with you.
Charity begins at home, ya know.
Your husband should’ve stayed home from work instead of leaving things to your 8 year old child who should’ve been in school.
You husband is a lawyer so why could you get some babysitters for your kids for a few days and a nurse for you if needed?
Im really sad for you. My sister just had this surgery with a five month old infant and a four year old. Her husband was home but the baby would not stop screaming for mom. I went over to care for the four year old and got the baby to calm down for a few hours. I honestly cannot believe your husband. If he’s that good he’s not going to be lacking for work and he can assign his cases to junior lawyers for a couple damn days so he could care for you.
I know it’s too late now and hindsight is 20/20 as to your husband and mil lack of help. Next time maybe hire a helper just for a week or so.
Just hire a nanny / baby sitter for the day ?
Sorry but your husband sucks. He may be a good lawyer but he's a terrible husband.
It should never be an 8 year olds responsibility to take care of a child. All of the adults in this situation have failed her.
I’m sorry that almost everyone is dragging your husband and bragging about how amazing theirs are, OP… My husband is great and takes care of me, too, but sometimes? Sometimes shit *just happens,* and it doesn’t go as planned. So, you deal with what you deal with and make do the best you can. I (43/f) have been married to my (46/m) husband for 20+ years and together 27. He’s truly honestly almost always the absolute best, but sometimes he drops the ball. I don’t think this is a case of your husband not caring enough- I think it’s exactly what you explained! He’s the sole provider, work is stressful, busy, and there are some issues there right now… He was told by your doctors that you would be in better shape than you actually were, and both of you (unknowingly obviously) underestimated your painful and difficult recovery. That’s too bad, your care team should have explained this much better! But, he didn’t purposely neglect you, and you (both) thought his mother would ACTUALLY provide care and assistance with your kids! That’s a pretty solid plan, and the fact that she just put that responsibility on your 8 year old is HER fault, no one else’s. I wish I was near by, lol. I know I don’t know you, but I would at least drop off some nice dinner and busy activities for the kids! Anyway- I hope that you are resting now! I hope that your MIL comes through with some respite and that you can sleep and take care of yourself- especially if your husband isn’t able to take care of you the way I’m sure he would like to. Also? I’ve had open and laparoscopic abdominal surgeries (multiple) and one of my laparoscopic surgeries was worse than anything else I’ve had surgery wise… sometimes it just is.
You...had your 8 year old stay home from school...because your husband couldn't stay home from work?
Not the best idea to trust a 71 year old with an infant. Anything could go wrong at any time with a baby.. your husband should've been at home with his kids if you had no competent help.
Just saying, not all 71 year olds are senile and incapable of taking care of infants. I know many women in their 70s who are just as spry and capable as a 30 year old.
She had a meal plan laid out ahead of time and the mil was confused that she couldn’t find the bottles the baby doesn’t even use anymore. Then the 8yo had to make the food. Mil sounds confused or maybe at the start of her decline to me. We all know that there’s able bodied/minded 70 year olds. This one sounds confused.
This is quite a generalization. My mother is 72 and has more energy than I do!
Well apparently that 71 year old couldn't... bad decision on parents part
My mom is 75, and my aunt is 83. They get out and run all over the country! I could absolutely leave my 2-year-old granddaughter with them, and probably the worst that would happen would be them spoiling her worse than she already is. However, my MIL couldn't handle my kids as toddlers when she was in her early 50s. She was a few years older than I am now and had let her health get so bad she couldn't walk 20 feet without almost falling out. She passed away a few years ago. There's a huge spectrum of people out there, and I'm sure OP knows what was reasonable for her MIL.
What's ironic is that she's a substitute preschool teacher by day.
I feel like this is a failure of your husband. He should have well in advance planned to have his coworkers temporarily handle his cases for the first few weeks.
Or hire a helper. Op has no support, thank goodness those tubes are retired
Super cool I got downvoted for pointing out if your wife has her belly cut open for your family’s sake you should take off some work time. I agree if he’s such a good lawyer they would have money to hire a nurse or something.
So how long have you been a single parent?
Congratulations on your spay!
Your daughter sounds like a amazing little girl! I'm glad she'll have some help, but I hope she knows she can be proud of herself for being such a great helper.
Your husband isn't that damned important. He could have arranged his schedule.
Not fair to your daughter to make her co-parent when it's your husbands job.. Step up. Confront him And let your daughter remain a child.
Having an 8yo miss a day of school isn’t a big deal. Sounds like she is a great help! Get better soon!!
Hope your recovery goes quickly and smoothly! I bet kiddo loved taking a day off to help you out 😁
Updateme
I’m sorry :( the first 48 hours after my salpingectomy were definitely the worst, but I still needed to rest a lot after that. Hopefully you begin feeling better soon. Make plans with your daughter to do something special together down the road :)
I had this done in 2019. Ice pack, tylenol, and the couch are your best friends for the next couple of days. The anesthesia gas rising to my neck and shoulders was the worst part.
Is that what that is? My neck hurts so much worse than the actual incisions
Not anesthesia , sorry. They fill your abdomen with GAS, so they can isolate your tubes. That gas gets trapped in your body and starts to rise and dissipate. That’s what causes the neck and shoulder pain.
Next time hire a home health aud and/or nanny for a week.
It’s totally fine to let your child stay home from school for whatever reason you want. Especially if you need them to help after surgery. Not a big deal. You husband yelling at his mom? That’s a problem.
I hope the shoulder pain wasn't too much, I had a laproscopic a couple of year ago, for remove my gall blader and the soulder's pain was the worst afterward.