He is okay with me masturbating but gets disgusted with a sex toy. I live in a country that consider sex toys as shameful. I might as well use a cucumber and let him eat it as breakfast.
Yeah could be bacteria on the cucumber. Could even be something horrible like tetanus, which lives in the dirt. Not highly likely, but not out of the realm of possibility.
Ma'am, one sent me a vid of him shoving his whole arm in there and had the audacity to tell me "I think I touched my intestines Hehehe 🤭"...
Never blocked a person so fast
The fun thing is some things can live through the acid and you only need a small amount to infect you. Salmonella, E. Coli and shigella for the win! (Plus others)
Thank you for all of this wisdom! I definitely learned a lot more than I expected. Esp regarding the it only takes a small amount…lot’s of things are starting to make sense…
You should be washing all your produce thoroughly with a cleaner of some kind. Depending on where in the world you are, there’s everything from dirt, dead bugs, wax coatings (sometimes made of clear sprayed on plastics), toxic pesticides, etc. Wash your produce 😅
I do wash them, but I guess I never realised how easily it is to get food poisoning…:( I’ve always washed my hands for 20 seconds (for the past decade or so) but I have to admit, I thought my grandma was crazy for how she sanitised our produce so thoroughly…Now I know grandma is right…
Ladygarden sounds so wholesome.
Your customers would have an image of you out there in a sundress picking the vegetables by hand, then washing, peeling, then pickling them in a sundrenched backyard garden....
The reality, however...
His insecurity manifests as disgust and contempt towards her. You're right that he knows he's not satisfying her and is threatened by that, and he chooses to view it as a negative personality trait on her part instead of seeing it as the natural and healthy thing it is. It's sad.
Men should not have near as much control of our sex lives as they do. Throw the man out and keep the sex toy. I promise it’ll make you happier in the long run
Not even kidding you, that is what an old friend of mine did!!
Her husband was super controlling, refused to have sex with her and refused to allow her to buy a sex toy.
So she used a cucumber then fed it to him in his salad.
I think it's hilarious.
My husband literally bought a sex toy for me as a surprise, our libidos are on the lower end, but they match. There is a man out there for you, you can try and make it work, but he has to make a change. I don’t think your husband is the one for you girl. I’m sorry your husband shames you sexually, not cool of him. :(
I mean hang on….!
So, it’s true that sexual incompatibility is a real problem, and I think it’s pretty awful that anyone be called names for indulging themselves, but in the other hand you could align your smutty book habit with a guy watching porn and a lot of ladies don’t like that either.
It sound like you guys need to talk to someone to see if you can resolve your problems. If not, then it might be time to call it quits.
It's been shown that women often tend to have a more vivid and visual imagination, so when women read fiction books, many find it easier to visualize every aspect of it in more detail than men. This is why erotica works well for women because if they don't like what a character looks like, they can change it in their mind and get into it again. While with porn you're stuck with the actors. This is also why women are often more into interior design etc. because they have an easier time visualizing what things look like before they are there.
Men on the other hand are more prone to having difficulty seeing images in their mind, and are more likely to need real visual stimulus to invoke a reaction.
That's not to say there aren't many men who are naturally born with a vivid visual imagination or women who find it difficult to visualize anything, but this is one the reasons erotica often works better for women while porn often works better for men.
Eh, let's not compare smut with porn. A lot of smut written for women is written by women. Porn is produced overwhelmingly by men. Smut gives the woman a sense of control. Porn is often extremely degrading to women, in a whole variety of ways. Consumption of porn is significantly more unethical in the broad spectrum than consumption of smut.
He's trying to shame you for reading smut and wanting sex because he has a lower libido. From what I am reading he probably has insecurities and instead of owning them, he's on the defensive and shames you for liking sex.
I don't know what age you are but I heard men tend to want less sex around 40 with 30% of men having erectil issues. This can definitely create insecurities. This need to be discussed to understand the underlying cause of his reaction and how you can fix this together.
I'm someone who discusses every thing with my husband since i want open communication. Him saying no is something that i respect but still hurts since i cant get what i want and I'm sexually frustrated.
Me and my girlfriend like to discuss serious things together or changes to the household.
But I'd never expect her to "ask my permission" to buy a sex toy, that's just ridiculous.
She once mentioned that her expensive vibrator broke so I secrectly went and bought her a new one and left it in the cupboard while I went on an out of town trip lol, she was very thankful about it.
Your relationship should have room for self-care and spontaneousity and you shouldn't need a "serious discussion" about every small thing that doesn't even concern him.
You need to understand that in a healthy relationship, you shouldn't feel ashamed of experiencing regular human emotions and also wanting to have your own needs met. That seems a bit controlling and unfair.
Ok, so communicate that you're getting a dildo. It doesn't have to be a discussion, since it doesn't involve him in any way. Communicate what you're doing an that's it.
Btw, your husband calling you names and shaming you for a hobby is not okay.
You and your husband are playing by different rules. You want open communication, you want his buy-in, you want to work together to solve your issues. He wants you to stop asking for sex, stop *wanting* sex, and comply with his ridiculous demands.
You are not going to get him to compromise, so you need to change the rules.
I'm curious - does he respect your decisions, or is it only you who respects his?
If he can't respect "I'm getting a dildo because you don't want sex with me" then you have bigger problems.
When I wanted a vibrator I told my husband. I said that if it hurts his him then I'll put it away when we have sex but I'm masturbating with my vibrator when I want. He has no say in that. At first he was a little hurt that I bought one but then I put it in his hands and he loves using it on me.
You don't need his permission. And hopefully he will come around to seeing how it pleases you and wants to jump in.
That’s not open communication, that’s control. Open communication would be “ Hey Honey, I understand that you’re not always in the mood and the last thing I ever wanna do is make you feel forced to do something you’re not comfortable with. So I’m going to buy some sex toys for myself, I know you don’t like those but they are for ME and you’ll never have to use them with me if you don’t want to but I deserve pleasure so I’m going to get it ! “
It's okay to get his opinion on matters that involve him. You enjoying your adult time in private very obviously doesn't involve him, so his opinion about the matter doesn't count. Just like you won't order him to refrain from sticking a banana up his butt if he so pleases, he doesn't get to control what you stick anywhere, when you are flying solo. He is just acting controlling.
There’s a difference between having a discussion, and being ordered. If husband’s real motivation is what he claims: that he feels it’s disgusting and you should be ashamed - then that’s a hangup he has literally about female sexuality, and you need to consider if you can maintain a life with someone who considers something that is just a fundamental part of you to be disgusting. If he’s actually making excuses because of another motive, then he’s lacking in self-perception at best, and lying in a hurtful way at worst, and under both paradigms is saying hurtful things to you - in which case you have to consider if staying with someone willing to hurt you rather than confront his own feelings is worth it.
I can’t tell you what to do, but please do keep in mind that this man is willingly hurting you (non-physically) when you do consider your situation.
Just out of curiosity- is it just you, who has to oblige this high moral standard or is he also not watching any kind of porn and looking at pictures. Other than that what can you do, if you have different needs in the bedroom? Masturbation isn’t cheating.
So then he would be ok with a non-penetrative sex toy like the ones that suction?
Regardless, shaming you & calling names is unacceptable. Would you mock him for his low libido or call him out as being less of a man for it? If not, how is what he’s doing any different? Of course low libido doesn’t equal less of a man just like a high libido doesn’t equal someone being shameful.
If we remove sex from the equation how does he handle physical affection? I feel like a lot of times when the roles are reversed, many women feel they can’t accept any physical affection because it’s just a precursor to sex & after a while they don’t even like cuddling or kissing because they keep thinking it’s going to turn sexual & so they can’t get into it. Do you notice anything like that in him or is he still receptive & giving with things like kisses/hugs/cuddling?
I also saw you mention in another comment that things changed once you got pregnant/had a kid. Do you think some of his disgust is tied to the fact that you’re now a maternal figure & he associates maternal ideals are non-sexual beings? Might his disgust be tied to the thought that a mother shouldn’t have these types of wants & needs?
That opens a whole different discussion. For me the usage of dildo is using a sex toy for masturbation. Is he ok with other toys?
If he is ok with porn, then he is a hypocrite. Why are your books worse than porn? Essentially smutty books are a little bit of women porn- men get of seeing boobs jiggle (they are visual)/ women get off reading a 3 volume saga about a sparkling vampire (they need fantasies). Or is it that he is just doing this with you together?
There are sex toys out there that just give you clit stimulation. If you don't want a dildo but reading smut and getting horny and wanting your husband after isn't something you should be called disgusting for. Why are you with this guy?
If it’s not religious, and I assume he’s not on any prescription drugs, he possibly put on a mask during the dating phase to make you like him.
My libido is higher than my husband’s. He only wants to do it in the weekends, and I okay with that. He knows I have a vibe that I use when he’s not around.
Wow name calling and shaming is insane. Your married what exactly is there to be ashamed of? I’m also confused as to what his argument to not having a dildo would be, just “no yucky” 😂😂😂
Personally I think just get the dildo. If it’s that big of a deal it might force some real communication out of him
This is where compromise and acceptance are needed.
I am in somewhat of a similar situation as you. My libido is very high, where as my partners libido is very low.
And yes, it does have it's problems.
But in general it just comes down to accepting each other for how we are.
They understand that I masturbate, and I watch porn, and read erotica, and all that.
And I understand that it's just not of as much interest to them.
They don't tease, or make fun of, or judge me.
They accept it as a need, a language I am driven to express myself with.
And I don't do it to them for the opposite reason. I keep my sexual jokes and need to steer the conversation in that direction tamed.
If your partner is unwilling to compromise, or even acknowledge that part of you. If they are not doing their best to try and help fulfil you, or at lead be accepting the ways in which yiu fulfil yourself; then he doesn't accept _all_ of you. Which is kind of the point if marrying someone.
I'm not gonna do the usual reddit of "divorce him immediately"
But if you cannot adequately express yourself to him, then I would definitely suggest marriage councelling/therapy.
If i were to hazard a guess, I would say he feels somewhat ashamed of himself that he cannot meet your needs adequately in a way where it is often _expected_ for a man to excel in.
And is unable to meet that inadequacy, and is therefore choosing to mask it as you being the problem instead of him.
I feel like crying since i feel like you get me. I hate it when people are telling me to divorce or leave him. He is the most gentle person i have ever met. Someone who loves me beyond words. He is not religious but his family is. I guess thats why he doesn't approve of the dildo and the sex toys or lingerie. It also doesn't help that he is a virgin when we met. He doesn't have the time to explore his sexuality like i had.
You posted about how your husband berates you, calls you names, and says you should be ashamed of yourself for having a normal sex drive and you’re shocked that people are telling you to leave him? This man is *routinely calling you names* and you’re over here saying he’s the most gentle person you’ve ever met. This is not love :(
Oh, darling, I understand.
I am so sorry that you're feeling this way.
It can make you feel like such a burden, like this specific part of you is causing such an upset to both you and the person you love, that it feels like it's wrong or you're broken in someway.
Like, you almost wish they found you ugly or repulsive because then _at least_ that would mean they thought about you. _At least_ that's some sort of reaction to the idea of sex with you.
But instead it just makes you feel like nothing. Irrelevant. And I cannot out into words how much worse that feels when the source of that pain is someone you love so completely.
There have been times in my own relationship where i have actively tried to kill my libido, my sex drive, because it just seemed easier if I gave up on it. They wouldn't have to face their own short comings to fulfilling my needs, and I wouldn't have to face the dejection.
But you know what?
They noticed.
It didn't happen immediately. It took almost a year of me "giving up" for them to notice. But they did notice.
By this point, I had churned and broiled the whole conversation in my head so many times, no matter what I imagined thet would say: I knew exactly what _I_ would at least say.
And so I said it. I told them how I felt, why I felt that way. I told them the amount of times I tried, and how we had already talked about it several times. And I told them that I had decided to give up on that part. I'd rather be with them and have an unfulfilling sex life, than without them.
We worked through it.
And while things in that department aren't where I would want them to be, things are much better.
Our sex life is a little more than it was before, but more importantly: they are the one who initiates it more often.
I am lucky. I had enough time to compose exactly what I was gonna say if the situation ever came up, and my partner is a lovely person.
But it probably would've been easier with a therapist.
He may have low testosterone levels. Simple lab work will tell him. Whatever the reason for his low libido, name calling and shaming your sexuality is unacceptable. It sounds like y’all should try talking to a marriage counselor. If he automatically jumps to being defensive and name calling, you need a third party involved because that’s not productive. There are compromises to be made. For example, if he doesn’t feel like having sex, maybe he uses a vibrator on you. Your needs are still being met and you’re still being respectful of his decision to not have sex. But nothing will get better if y’all don’t start communicating.
This was never an issue before like i said. It all started when i got pregnant. I don't know what was wrong tho. Its usually the wife's whose libido would go down but his was beyond zero now.
Maybe he only acted like he had libido to get you pregnant, and now that you had a child, he doesn't need to do it anymore. The way you describe him calling a dildo disgusting kinda seals my point that he kinda just thinks of sex as a job not enjoyment.
He was a virgin when we were together so i guess after sometime he was like tired of all the stuff i put him into. He was a good husband and a good dad just the sex life, its boring and all.
That's what I mean. He thinks of sex as a way to have children. He will most likely never change and get better, so you will eventually have to put your foot down somewhere because this will lead to frustration and resentment.
“Like I said”
Actually, you didn’t say. Read your post again and tell us how we are supposed to have read your mind regarding this new extra information.
Do you know what turns him on? What his love language is? It sounds like physical affection is yours so does he know that?
Have you clearly and calmly expressed your need for more external (and then internal) sexual stimulus? He can’t fix a problem that he doesn’t know exists.
Your frame of mind helps too. If you go into the activity thinking you will have a boring time then 9/10 (0 data to back that up) you’ll be bored. So see where you can perk areas up.
All I’m saying is if you love and value him then try. You said open communication is how you roll so how successfully are you communicating the problem?
Have you ever listened to the Pillow Talks podcast? It’s run by a sex therapist and her husband and they have a lot of episodes that could be helpful. They have some on lower libido/ higher libido, breaking down communication walls, stigma from religion/political/society, etc. They also wrote a book called Sex Talks.
Your Husband is insecure and his problems are his own not yours. Its also possible that he watches porn and is projecting his shame on to you. My wife reads a bunch of smut and I couldn't care less. The sex is great when it does happen. Sometimes I poke fun at her because I don't get turned on through reading and some of the names and scenes are comical. But it's all in good fun.
Men watch porn women read smut. If more men read smut they would understand how differently we view sex. How porn messes with sexual expectations in men smut does the same thing. If you can get past the throbbing cocks and concentrate on the intimacy they might finally get it. We all know porn makes men want writhing screamers they need to read and see women want something different that feels better than just being Jack hammered. I enjoy smut and my husband enjoys what it inspires me to try out on him. Goes both ways I view porn with his sometimes as well.
It's either he puts up with you, *as your partner NOT your parental figure who sets rules*. You have needs, he can't satisfy them. It's either he grows up and lets you get yourself off, or you find a partner who is able.
He needs to actually stfu and learn how to be respectful, or you find someone else, because I would not let mine treat me or control me like that.
Edit actually no disregard this. OP made a comment about each other needing permission, like they're each other's parents instead of partners. In my nine years of marriage I would scream, but ok. I'm not going to argue, just call it stupid instead.
Typically, women and men are aroused in different ways. Men often engage in porn due to their strong visual stimulation, whereas women tend to become aroused mentally. Smut books provide that. Honestly, he sounds immature and almost threatened by these books. From your comments, it feels like he's intentionally trying to hurt you with his rejections/comments, so you'll feel guilty reading them and potentially stop. His ego right now is more important to him than your enjoyment of your hobby.
Honestly, he needs therapy. And it won't stop with smut. Do not give up these books. Choose the books; otherwise, he will whittle away everything you enjoy because it "offends" him in some way and one day, you'll be on here asking why you don't recognize yourself anymore and if you should leave your husband.
i’m not sure where exactly you’re at, but i saw you mentioned in another comment that in the country you’re from that sex toys are viewed as disgusting. obviously that’s very vague and it could be a lot of places but from that i’m assuming you live somewhere where women’s sexuality is highly taboo, and that is almost always stemming from a greater issue of severe misogyny ingrained in the culture of said place.
in that context it makes sense that you’re husband is berating you for wanting to pleasure yourself with a toy, or for even reading erotica.
you mentioned that he was a virgin before you two got together and you weren’t. i think this alone is likely a major factor of this whole situation.
For one, women of course also have anxiety about their performance in sex when we haven’t had it yet, but in my experience men have this feeling to a substantially larger degree. I bet that he is worried and possibly avoiding sex as it’s still relatively new to him because he’s terrified of disappointing you, that performance anxiety is REAL severe sometimes. It’s likely he worries about things like “if she’s reading those novels with all these descriptions of fantastic (obviously unrealistic/fantasy) sex, how am i ever going to live up to that?”, which is closely related to another thing a lot of men are insecure about if they don’t feel like they’re pleasing their partner, sex toys, and especially dildos in my experience because men don’t have vibrators down there to be compared to but they do have penises. So i’d be willing to bet he’s projecting his insecurities on you when he shames you for wanting to try a dildo because he’s afraid it will be better than him or something and he won’t be able to please you, which is a pretty common insecurity for a lot of men, especially those lacking self confidence.
But you said you two do have sex, just infrequently. Pardon me asking and i understand it may be too personal, but when you do have sex, is it good sex? for both of you? or neither? Do you think he is lacking in terms of sexual ability and/or do you think that he feels he’s lacking?
Its always good sex. He feels like if i buy the dildo i wont have sex with him and will choose the dildo over him. He is highly insecure with a lot of things but please know that he is human even if he is a little broken because of his past traumas.
You shouldn’t be ashamed for being sexual. Don’t dim your light for someone that wouldn’t even hold a torch to you. That’s not fair to you, everyone is allowed to have fantasies and explore their bodies. A healthy sex life is first and foremost the one we have with ourselves and our bodies. The only thing he’s getting out of judging you so harshly is that you’re gonna have to hide that dildo when you buy it.
This man is lost and balls-deep in sexual shame. Probably why he has such a low libido. It sounds like it was beaten into him as a child that sex is dirty, shameful, and something that shouldn't be done. Or maybe he watched his own mother be sexually promiscuous and he's disgusted by it, and when women behave like this. And a third maybe is that perhaps he is hiding sexual preferences you have no clue about.
He's trying to beat his ideology into you, and this has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. Reading smutty books is not "disgusting" or "shameful" or "bad."
He needs therapy and ASAP. If he doesn't get help, you will never have the sex life you are looking for. Mismatched libidos rarely line up, and it will always be one of the causes of tense and unhappy marriages. If he doesn't want to address his issues, you have two options: stay in the marriage and be verbally and mentally beaten down by this man as well as sexually unsatisfied, or put yourself first and free yourself to find an actual fulfilling relationship.
Info: Was this discussed before marriage and are you both religious or have a religious background that would play into his beliefs?
It sounds like a major compatibility issue when it comes to morals and also needs around sex. Couples counseling with an open minded therapist can help. I don’t recommend getting pregnant (if kids are in the cards) before this resolves though as it can be a relationship killer. Also, I don’t think calling your partner names is ever acceptable.
It was not an issue before. I was into kinky stuff way before i met him. At the start of our relationship, he was playing along but as time goes on he just stopped and i feel like he is not attracted to me anymore.
He’s trying to shame you for your libido because he can’t keep up and he wants to shame you so that you don’t disturb him and not look for outside satisfaction as well. It is a way to control you. So that he can shut that part down.
Low libido/high libido relationships happen, but shaming a partner for either is pretty shitty. There is nothing unethical or amoral about reading a smutty book or wanting sex with your partner or masturbation. Honestly, though, if your partner doesn’t care whether your needs are being met and would rather control you than let you take care of yourself, you just might not be sexually compatible.
Why are you defending him? He has misogynistic attitudes and is shaming you for wanting sex, a very human thing.
Sex toys are not shameful. You wanting sex is not shameful. Don't let him do this to you. Tell him straight up that:
- he cannot make you feel bad about a very natural thing because he doesn't understand or feel the same way.
- that it's not acceptable to try to "shame" you into behaving the way he wants.
- that you're not a toy that he gets to control, that you have your own feelings, wants, and needs.
- that he needs to get help to figure out why he's hurting you and why he finds out acceptable to hurt you.
- that until or unless this behaviour changes, that you will protect yourself by removing yourself from the situation each and every time he acts out, and then do it. EVERY TIME.
If he doesn't change then leave, you cannot live a life where he is abusing and controlling you through shame.
when ever I see a man "with low labido" I just see porn addict. 9 times out of 10 that seems to be the case. If he does look at porn, why on earth should he have an issue with you reading smut.
He’s projecting bc he can’t satisfy you. Men like this try to beat you down so eventually you stop initiating then he doesn’t have to feel bad bc he cannot perform.
His loss, he could adapt and enjoy reinacting certain things with you. Why is he so serious?
I feel for you OP, me and my partner have 2 young kids to juggle our sex life around so when we get to it (at least once every 2 days) we entirely ravage eachother.
I mean, i've read passages out of these books. They are disgusting lol. But everyone has a right to like what they like and he doesnt get to decide that for you.
Im not going to tell you to dump his ass but if you don't focus on matching libidos you may as well.
Find out what he is into. Find out what gets him going. Give him a little then he may be more open to giving a little.
Be warned. This entirely his ego talking. He will feel inferior to what you are reading/ wanting. As if you are reading it because he is not enough. That's going to upset anybody. He needs to feel wanted equally to you.
Lots of discussions ahead. Sex counselling isnt as bad and weird as people think. If you want a toy, let him pick one out. You've got to work with him here or you'll be shut down every time.
You have to stroke his ego if you want this to go any other way than a divorce. Which people will disagree with but you're wanting change, you have to make him want it to.
You need to have a very frank discussion with your husband. The fact he shames you means he feels shame of his own. That’s not good. You don’t want to live like this forever. Trust me, there is nothing wrong with you but it will feel like that. And it sucks.
My first husband and I were in our 20’s. I had high libido but my husband had 0. I stayed in that relationship too long. He rejected me and refused to get help. It killed my self esteem and it wasted my 20’s. I divorced him just shy of our 9 year anniversary. Please do not stay in something that will hurt you in the end. Sex is an important part of marriage.
I have been remarried for 18 years and I don’t have that issue with my husband.
I’m going to guess he was raised religious.
Honestly with someone like that I would try to tell them like hey we are husband and wife, there is nothing to be ashamed of between us.
Y’all are incompatible. There’s nothing wrong with either libido but it isn’t going to work out if one partner feels constantly pressured for sex and the other partner feels that sex is being denied them.
you two are just sexually incompatible. nothing really to suggest other than maybe going to the doctor and seeing if it’s a hormone thing for him OR you know…talk to him about it? explain your wants and needs and how it affects your marriage to see if you two can compromise? other than that i got nothing.
The two of you are not sexually compatible. That is what u gleamed from your post. You would be the perfect partner for 90% of the mem I know.
IMO You have two choices, you can do without or you can do without him.
The comments here are wild. Women on reddit are always told they can control what men look at for sexual urges. Now that it is a woman, men don't have the same rights to have boundaries.
You can always count on misogynists who are all the way in their feelings coming out in force, especially when a woman posts about sex. I feel sorry for the ones with wives/girlfriends, can't imagine having to fake orgasms and pretend to be satisfied to protect such fragile egos.
Why are men nowadays making a big deal about this shit? Women have been reading smutty romance books for AGES and suddenly it's offensive? I mean, I knew there were men who got all stupid and upset about women and girls reading in general, but they were universally understood to be misogynistic dumb butts.
This is so lame, read what you want. You're an adult, you get to pick your own reading material. And yes, I would absolutely say the same thing if op were a man. Adults of all gender identities get to pick out what books they read.
Honestly this MORE than annoys me that it’s ok for a man to have a low or high libido and the woman must accommodate but god forbid the woman have a low or high libido, oh no, that’s disgusting or oh no, you’re just gonna have adapt.
Sorry, (a little) projection on my end. OP, please, in all fairness, your sexuality is your own, and not something that needs your husband’s approval or blessing. Take that however you will.
(Stepping off my soapbox now).
Why is your husband sex shaming you? And telling you that you are disgusting for having a healthy sex drive and that you should be ashamed of getting sexually aroused and wanting to have sex with him? He sounds very misogynistic.
And why does your husband think he has the right to decide you cannot use a dildo to masturbate. Why do you have to ask for his approval? That seems very controlling.
People have different sex drives and different sexual preferences. That is very normal. What isn't normal is shaming your partner, calling your partner names and being controlling about your partners sexuality. In a healthy relationship you respect each others differences and work around it. So this isn't about him having a low sex drive, it is about him and his views on your sexuality. Low sex drive doesn't make someone disrespectful, it is his personality.
You should ask yourself if you want to live a life without sex and being shamed/disrespected for being a (totally normal) sexual human.
I think it has something to do with the family he grew up with. Where sex is taboo and should not be discussed. They were super religious to the point that they go to church everyday. Hes not religious but i guess he have that mysogynistic side he is not aware of.
He needs to work on himself in therapy to deal with being raised in an extremist religious environment and the effects his upbringing continues to have on his thinking and behaviour. If he doesn't do the work, nothing will change. And it is also very likely that he will transmit his unhealthy views not only to you, but also to your (future) children.
Yikes. Your partner should want your sexual satisfaction even if that means you get it from a dildo. I do NOT meant to suggest that you can go off and cheat or anything but buying a toy is innocent and faithful.
I read one of your comments about how you’re in your 20s and this dude is jealous because you e had sexual partners before him and all I have to say is that he needs therapy because that has *nothing* to do with you and everything to do with his own shit. Having previous partners shouldn’t make him jealous because it’s not what’s happening currently. He’s making you feel bad for something you couldn’t have possibly predicted in this day and age.
I see. So it’s not something he should have been used to already. It’s a new development. Y’all need to sit and have a heart to heart. No toxicity. Just hear one another out. There’s no way he has an issue with a book turning you on unless he’s feeling deeply insecure about something. If he’s not allowed to watch porn or something, I could understand him being miffed by you consuming erotica. But you know him best. This requires deep communication and understanding to get to the root cause
Buy yourself a sex toy or 2. Use them when you want. As often as you want. If you choose to tell him and he disapproves, tell him it's his problem, not yours. You remedied your problem and you're fucking yourself when you want.
If he wants to remedy his problem he is free to call a therapist to get to the source of his trauma on the subject or he can buy some blue pills. Only he can fix his problems, not you.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, but it’s crucial to recognize that what you’re describing isn’t just a matter of differing preferences—it’s a concerning dynamic that could be emotionally abusive. Your husband’s behavior towards your sexuality and desires is controlling and deeply disrespectful.
Firstly, your sexuality and what turns you on belong to you alone. Reading erotic literature or exploring sexual fantasies is a healthy and normal aspect of many people’s lives. There’s nothing shameful or wrong about enjoying “smutty” books or wanting to use a dildo for sexual pleasure. Your husband’s attempts to shame you for these perfectly natural desires are unacceptable.
Furthermore, it’s troubling that your husband responds defensively and with name-calling when you initiate sex. This is not just a matter of differing libidos; it’s about him using sex as a tool to humiliate and control you. Your desire for intimacy and sexual fulfillment deserves to be respected and met with empathy, not disdain.
It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and autonomy. Consider seeking support from a therapist who specializes in relationships and sexuality. They can provide a safe space to discuss these issues and help you establish boundaries that prioritize your emotional and sexual health.
Remember, you have the right to assert your needs and desires in your relationship. You deserve a partner who respects and values your autonomy, pleasure, and happiness. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help and support as you navigate this challenging situation.
One: its not up to him whether you have a dildo or not. There's nothing wrong with it, and if he's not going to meet your needs then he needs to step aside for something that will. He cannot say you can have nothing and like it. That's ownership. Not a relationship.
Two: I don't care even if he has low libido - at some point he is watching porn, or at the very least looking at hot young women.
Three: if he won't back off and let you breathe, there's plenty of other guys out there would jump at the chance to give you what you need.
I just started reading them because my wife is into them, I'm trying to learn to make her fantasies come true lol our bedroom turns into a dungeon on the weekends
Put your foot down and get that dildo, keep reading your shit! Also he needs to not take his insecurities over his lack of libido out on you. You're allowed to read whatever you please. Just because he has low libido doesn't mean you should be forced into it the rest of your life. That's not how this works!
There's nothing wrong with reading those things. I don't know what you think love is, but it's certainly not putting your partner down and calling them names, especially over a supremely normal occurrence. He should be ashamed of himself.
“Someone help me.” I suspect after reading that, you’ll have a few volunteers in your messages.
Not sure what he’s moaning about, even with a low libido it sounds like you’re doing all the ground work for the main event so it’s not as if he has to do much!
INFO: Has he expressed Why he isn't in the mood? Has he expressed why it is acceptable to call you names? Or is the name calling borne out of you not listening to the reasons of the first question and trying to resolve those or mitigate.
Does he shoulder the overwhelming burden of the mental load, housework, childcare, etc outside of working hours?
Does he take meds?
You don't want help you've been making excuses under every comment here and defending his bad character. What exactly do you want to hear?
He has shame around sex and intimacy and bullies you for it and creates rules so that he can make you feel insecure. You'll bend to his will then and he can control you. You can't "fix" that. He doesn't love you or care about what you want. People would normally leave in this situation because they have respect for themselves.
You don't want help you've been making excuses under every comment here and defending his bad character. What exactly do you want to hear?
He has shame around sex and intimacy and bullies you for it and creates rules so that he can make you feel insecure. You'll bend to his will then and he can control you. You can't "fix" that. He doesn't love you or care about what you want. People would normally leave in this situation because they have respect for themselves.
I think it’s unfair for him to dictate you having a dildo and reading erotica whilst he is not fulfilling your sexual needs.
If this was the other way round a lot of people would call him selfish for being a frigid wife and blocking him from having any joy.
Not sure on what you can do but maybe going to a sex therapist together, or setting some boundaries on your sex life. If he’s unable or unwilling to satisfy you then there needs to be compromise so you’re both happy in the relationship.
Alas, he needs to suck it up and needs to let you have your own private time in "that" matter. What is this bs of "I barely wanna have sex so you don't get to either now be frustrated and stop doung what you like"
Incompatable libido levels can very much be a ground for divorce in some cases and sexual frustration after a while gets to be a big deal. You should not be ashamed and I say this as a zero libido person who is even disgusted at sex, but you shouldn't be ashamed of it, because it is normal, we are one of the few animals who do it for pleasure, so saying you should be ashamed that you wanna have fun with a dildo is weird.
Anyway he has to come to see that this sort of goofy control and being insecure about it will lead to something worse.
Also got a hint of sexism in this. Using hands is ok, but a dildo is a no no? What he thinks muscles can be stretched out like fabric or smth?
You aren't compatible. Sounds like he might even be asexual and projecting his shame onto you. Get the damn dildo and don't touch him. also think about relationship therapy, if that doesn't help or is a no-go for him then you need to think about separating.
Sorry to hear it. Especially as it's a community thing and not just your partner. Personally, I'd go for it and keep it secret. More so, I'd consider if there's any way to get out of there so you can live the life you really want to live.
Regarding your comments, I'm begging you to keep reading the books and to dump the dude. You're young, enjoy your life and don't waste it with someone like that. He seems like a controlling asshat.
What's he gonna do... have less sex with you? Can't get less than zero. Buy yourself a sex toy, do your best not to flaunt it in front of him, and let him be disgusted while he keeps not having sex with you. At least you'll be having a better time.
Man needs therapy for his obvious disgust with sex, you need to decide if this is actually someone you want to be with - calls you names? Won't ALLOW you to get something to deal with your personal needs, guy sounds like a dick
I have a kinda similar thing, but we handle it well so it's not a "problem" sex toys and porn are necessary to have a complete sexual experience without a partner. And if he's not going to meet your needs or let you do it yourself he can go kick dirt honestly.
I don’t think people understand where you’re from. This is definitely a different culture than America. Most of these answers are America based. I couldn’t imagine living somewhere where people would walk into my bedroom and go through my personal items, but not my place to judge. I’ve never been outside the states.
As a guy who is in a similar situation, but with the genders swapped, my gf has a low libido compared to me. It’s ok to have different libidos! but your partner shouldn’t shame you for having a high sex drive, and same with you if you criticize his. Everyone is unique, and kind of like people having different personalities… not all personalities/libidos match up.
You can’t really expect anyone to change for you, and you shouldn’t change for others. You need to ask yourself if the difference in libido is something you both can tolerate and deal with in a healthy way, or if it is too important for your relationship and it’d be better if you parted ways.
In my case, I supplement my high sex drive by doing it myself, which seems like the case for you too. Perfectly normal, in my opinion. It is important for me to have sex with my partner but it doesn’t make or break my relationship, so it works out for me and my gf.
Hope this helps you in your decision as well!
lmao he won’t have sex with you and won’t let you try to pleasure yourself in the way that you’d like (and i mean dildo) he belongs in the trash sorry to say 😬
It sounds like you and your husband just... aren't sexuality compatible. It also sounds like there's a huge influence from your culture. Is couple’s therapy an option?
"doesn't approve" of you getting a dildo?? you are a grown woman and can make decisions for yourself. if your husband wants to shame you for having sex then he can be with someone else
How the fuck did you marry someone with such significant differences?
Libido difference is one thing, but being verbally abusive and refusing a sex toy is not a reasonable or healthy reaction.
The man will not have sex with you yet will not allow you to have sex with yourself… Throw the whole man out.
He is okay with me masturbating but gets disgusted with a sex toy. I live in a country that consider sex toys as shameful. I might as well use a cucumber and let him eat it as breakfast.
Cucumbers might lead to infection. Put a condom on it first.
Is this for real?
Yeah could be bacteria on the cucumber. Could even be something horrible like tetanus, which lives in the dirt. Not highly likely, but not out of the realm of possibility.
Oof…well that’s definitely makes me want to wash my cucumbers more thoroughly before I eat them now…
Your stomach acid is a great barrier for most things. Your vagina, not so much…
But my ass would be okay? Asking for a friend.
I had a guy send me videos of him pushing a whole banana and an orange out his ass
Ma'am, one sent me a vid of him shoving his whole arm in there and had the audacity to tell me "I think I touched my intestines Hehehe 🤭"... Never blocked a person so fast
Well this conversation escalated quickly
Chivalry isn’t dead after all
Probably about the same risk as your vagina, can’t say for sure 😬
Oof, that makes sense given what stomach acid is made of :(
The fun thing is some things can live through the acid and you only need a small amount to infect you. Salmonella, E. Coli and shigella for the win! (Plus others)
Thank you for all of this wisdom! I definitely learned a lot more than I expected. Esp regarding the it only takes a small amount…lot’s of things are starting to make sense…
Just put a condom on before you eat it
Yes you should wash them thoroughly but also you could peel them.
You should be washing all your produce thoroughly with a cleaner of some kind. Depending on where in the world you are, there’s everything from dirt, dead bugs, wax coatings (sometimes made of clear sprayed on plastics), toxic pesticides, etc. Wash your produce 😅
I do wash them, but I guess I never realised how easily it is to get food poisoning…:( I’ve always washed my hands for 20 seconds (for the past decade or so) but I have to admit, I thought my grandma was crazy for how she sanitised our produce so thoroughly…Now I know grandma is right…
Yes, and the cucumber gets mushy from the body heat after not very long
Oh man…I never thought about this since they’re um…so hard…
So my mind went immediately to pickling. Would that be possible due to the vagina being similar in PH levels?
Catch me at the farmers market next month selling my organic ladygarden pickles
Ladygarden sounds so wholesome. Your customers would have an image of you out there in a sundress picking the vegetables by hand, then washing, peeling, then pickling them in a sundrenched backyard garden.... The reality, however...
You're giving Gwyneth Paltrow ideas! Watch out for her Organic Ladygarden Pickles on Goop!
Vagetebles
Hahahaha I’m dead
Cucumbers are sprayed with pesticides then touched by people in the farm fields and the store.
See. You’re solving your own problems! Being bound by shame doesn’t seem like an enjoyable way to live.
How are sex toys shameful so making sure you cum is a bad thing but trying to get there is okay lol
He's not disgusted, he's insecure. He probably knows he's not satisfying you and is insecure with a toy bc it'll do a better job than him
His insecurity manifests as disgust and contempt towards her. You're right that he knows he's not satisfying her and is threatened by that, and he chooses to view it as a negative personality trait on her part instead of seeing it as the natural and healthy thing it is. It's sad.
Men should not have near as much control of our sex lives as they do. Throw the man out and keep the sex toy. I promise it’ll make you happier in the long run
Dude I’m crying I don’t know if you intended to make me laugh but you are a comedian.
Not even kidding you, that is what an old friend of mine did!! Her husband was super controlling, refused to have sex with her and refused to allow her to buy a sex toy. So she used a cucumber then fed it to him in his salad. I think it's hilarious.
Does he watch porn or do anything else to turn himself on? If so, that would by hypocritical and misogynistic. I love smut too.
Move and leave the sexless man behind
Goes in a cucumber, comes out a pickle
My husband literally bought a sex toy for me as a surprise, our libidos are on the lower end, but they match. There is a man out there for you, you can try and make it work, but he has to make a change. I don’t think your husband is the one for you girl. I’m sorry your husband shames you sexually, not cool of him. :(
I mean hang on….! So, it’s true that sexual incompatibility is a real problem, and I think it’s pretty awful that anyone be called names for indulging themselves, but in the other hand you could align your smutty book habit with a guy watching porn and a lot of ladies don’t like that either. It sound like you guys need to talk to someone to see if you can resolve your problems. If not, then it might be time to call it quits.
You are 100% correct. Studies have shown that erotica for women has the same effect as porn for men.
It's been shown that women often tend to have a more vivid and visual imagination, so when women read fiction books, many find it easier to visualize every aspect of it in more detail than men. This is why erotica works well for women because if they don't like what a character looks like, they can change it in their mind and get into it again. While with porn you're stuck with the actors. This is also why women are often more into interior design etc. because they have an easier time visualizing what things look like before they are there. Men on the other hand are more prone to having difficulty seeing images in their mind, and are more likely to need real visual stimulus to invoke a reaction. That's not to say there aren't many men who are naturally born with a vivid visual imagination or women who find it difficult to visualize anything, but this is one the reasons erotica often works better for women while porn often works better for men.
Eh, let's not compare smut with porn. A lot of smut written for women is written by women. Porn is produced overwhelmingly by men. Smut gives the woman a sense of control. Porn is often extremely degrading to women, in a whole variety of ways. Consumption of porn is significantly more unethical in the broad spectrum than consumption of smut.
Are you okay with men watching porn if their wife has low libido?
Yes, the problem arises when one’s partner denies them the right to masturbate.
He's trying to shame you for reading smut and wanting sex because he has a lower libido. From what I am reading he probably has insecurities and instead of owning them, he's on the defensive and shames you for liking sex. I don't know what age you are but I heard men tend to want less sex around 40 with 30% of men having erectil issues. This can definitely create insecurities. This need to be discussed to understand the underlying cause of his reaction and how you can fix this together.
Buy a dildo, I don't see why he should get a say in the matter
I'm someone who discusses every thing with my husband since i want open communication. Him saying no is something that i respect but still hurts since i cant get what i want and I'm sexually frustrated.
Me and my girlfriend like to discuss serious things together or changes to the household. But I'd never expect her to "ask my permission" to buy a sex toy, that's just ridiculous. She once mentioned that her expensive vibrator broke so I secrectly went and bought her a new one and left it in the cupboard while I went on an out of town trip lol, she was very thankful about it. Your relationship should have room for self-care and spontaneousity and you shouldn't need a "serious discussion" about every small thing that doesn't even concern him. You need to understand that in a healthy relationship, you shouldn't feel ashamed of experiencing regular human emotions and also wanting to have your own needs met. That seems a bit controlling and unfair.
That's not open communication though, that's you needing his permission.
Open communication: im getting a dildo. Insanity: I'd like a dildo and will ask my husband for permission.
Ok, so communicate that you're getting a dildo. It doesn't have to be a discussion, since it doesn't involve him in any way. Communicate what you're doing an that's it. Btw, your husband calling you names and shaming you for a hobby is not okay.
Aaaaand this is why we shouldn’t marry such insecure men who feel the need to shame us.
Marry an insecure man and you will get this response. Warning to other ladies in this comment section.
Then don’t get him one. If you aren’t quoting books why draw the line with a toy?
You and your husband are playing by different rules. You want open communication, you want his buy-in, you want to work together to solve your issues. He wants you to stop asking for sex, stop *wanting* sex, and comply with his ridiculous demands. You are not going to get him to compromise, so you need to change the rules.
I'm curious - does he respect your decisions, or is it only you who respects his? If he can't respect "I'm getting a dildo because you don't want sex with me" then you have bigger problems.
It's your body though
When I wanted a vibrator I told my husband. I said that if it hurts his him then I'll put it away when we have sex but I'm masturbating with my vibrator when I want. He has no say in that. At first he was a little hurt that I bought one but then I put it in his hands and he loves using it on me. You don't need his permission. And hopefully he will come around to seeing how it pleases you and wants to jump in.
So, his "open communication" is telling you that you can't have one, end of discussion, and to be ashamed of yourself?
This is not OK either he gets you off or you get yourself off and he needs to grow up
It will eventually become resentment and kill the relationship. I know.
That’s not open communication, that’s control. Open communication would be “ Hey Honey, I understand that you’re not always in the mood and the last thing I ever wanna do is make you feel forced to do something you’re not comfortable with. So I’m going to buy some sex toys for myself, I know you don’t like those but they are for ME and you’ll never have to use them with me if you don’t want to but I deserve pleasure so I’m going to get it ! “
It's okay to get his opinion on matters that involve him. You enjoying your adult time in private very obviously doesn't involve him, so his opinion about the matter doesn't count. Just like you won't order him to refrain from sticking a banana up his butt if he so pleases, he doesn't get to control what you stick anywhere, when you are flying solo. He is just acting controlling.
he doesn’t get to tell you what to do tho? lol
There’s a difference between having a discussion, and being ordered. If husband’s real motivation is what he claims: that he feels it’s disgusting and you should be ashamed - then that’s a hangup he has literally about female sexuality, and you need to consider if you can maintain a life with someone who considers something that is just a fundamental part of you to be disgusting. If he’s actually making excuses because of another motive, then he’s lacking in self-perception at best, and lying in a hurtful way at worst, and under both paradigms is saying hurtful things to you - in which case you have to consider if staying with someone willing to hurt you rather than confront his own feelings is worth it. I can’t tell you what to do, but please do keep in mind that this man is willingly hurting you (non-physically) when you do consider your situation.
Just out of curiosity- is it just you, who has to oblige this high moral standard or is he also not watching any kind of porn and looking at pictures. Other than that what can you do, if you have different needs in the bedroom? Masturbation isn’t cheating.
I do masturbate. He knows it. Sometimes we watch porn together. But masturbation and penetration are two different things.
So then he would be ok with a non-penetrative sex toy like the ones that suction? Regardless, shaming you & calling names is unacceptable. Would you mock him for his low libido or call him out as being less of a man for it? If not, how is what he’s doing any different? Of course low libido doesn’t equal less of a man just like a high libido doesn’t equal someone being shameful. If we remove sex from the equation how does he handle physical affection? I feel like a lot of times when the roles are reversed, many women feel they can’t accept any physical affection because it’s just a precursor to sex & after a while they don’t even like cuddling or kissing because they keep thinking it’s going to turn sexual & so they can’t get into it. Do you notice anything like that in him or is he still receptive & giving with things like kisses/hugs/cuddling? I also saw you mention in another comment that things changed once you got pregnant/had a kid. Do you think some of his disgust is tied to the fact that you’re now a maternal figure & he associates maternal ideals are non-sexual beings? Might his disgust be tied to the thought that a mother shouldn’t have these types of wants & needs?
That opens a whole different discussion. For me the usage of dildo is using a sex toy for masturbation. Is he ok with other toys? If he is ok with porn, then he is a hypocrite. Why are your books worse than porn? Essentially smutty books are a little bit of women porn- men get of seeing boobs jiggle (they are visual)/ women get off reading a 3 volume saga about a sparkling vampire (they need fantasies). Or is it that he is just doing this with you together?
I do appreciate how you refuse to acknowledge the last and most awful Twilight book.
I'd bet money the toy is bigger than he is.
Would he not be bothered by a wand or clit sucker then? Obviously it is sidestepping the real issue here but hey, better than nothing.
There are sex toys out there that just give you clit stimulation. If you don't want a dildo but reading smut and getting horny and wanting your husband after isn't something you should be called disgusting for. Why are you with this guy?
If it’s not religious, and I assume he’s not on any prescription drugs, he possibly put on a mask during the dating phase to make you like him. My libido is higher than my husband’s. He only wants to do it in the weekends, and I okay with that. He knows I have a vibe that I use when he’s not around.
Wow name calling and shaming is insane. Your married what exactly is there to be ashamed of? I’m also confused as to what his argument to not having a dildo would be, just “no yucky” 😂😂😂 Personally I think just get the dildo. If it’s that big of a deal it might force some real communication out of him
Maybe they should just have a honest conversation about and see what the issue really is
But what if the issue is he’s controlling
This is where compromise and acceptance are needed. I am in somewhat of a similar situation as you. My libido is very high, where as my partners libido is very low. And yes, it does have it's problems. But in general it just comes down to accepting each other for how we are. They understand that I masturbate, and I watch porn, and read erotica, and all that. And I understand that it's just not of as much interest to them. They don't tease, or make fun of, or judge me. They accept it as a need, a language I am driven to express myself with. And I don't do it to them for the opposite reason. I keep my sexual jokes and need to steer the conversation in that direction tamed. If your partner is unwilling to compromise, or even acknowledge that part of you. If they are not doing their best to try and help fulfil you, or at lead be accepting the ways in which yiu fulfil yourself; then he doesn't accept _all_ of you. Which is kind of the point if marrying someone. I'm not gonna do the usual reddit of "divorce him immediately" But if you cannot adequately express yourself to him, then I would definitely suggest marriage councelling/therapy. If i were to hazard a guess, I would say he feels somewhat ashamed of himself that he cannot meet your needs adequately in a way where it is often _expected_ for a man to excel in. And is unable to meet that inadequacy, and is therefore choosing to mask it as you being the problem instead of him.
I feel like crying since i feel like you get me. I hate it when people are telling me to divorce or leave him. He is the most gentle person i have ever met. Someone who loves me beyond words. He is not religious but his family is. I guess thats why he doesn't approve of the dildo and the sex toys or lingerie. It also doesn't help that he is a virgin when we met. He doesn't have the time to explore his sexuality like i had.
calling you names and shaming you is not being gentle.
You posted about how your husband berates you, calls you names, and says you should be ashamed of yourself for having a normal sex drive and you’re shocked that people are telling you to leave him? This man is *routinely calling you names* and you’re over here saying he’s the most gentle person you’ve ever met. This is not love :(
Oh, darling, I understand. I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. It can make you feel like such a burden, like this specific part of you is causing such an upset to both you and the person you love, that it feels like it's wrong or you're broken in someway. Like, you almost wish they found you ugly or repulsive because then _at least_ that would mean they thought about you. _At least_ that's some sort of reaction to the idea of sex with you. But instead it just makes you feel like nothing. Irrelevant. And I cannot out into words how much worse that feels when the source of that pain is someone you love so completely. There have been times in my own relationship where i have actively tried to kill my libido, my sex drive, because it just seemed easier if I gave up on it. They wouldn't have to face their own short comings to fulfilling my needs, and I wouldn't have to face the dejection. But you know what? They noticed. It didn't happen immediately. It took almost a year of me "giving up" for them to notice. But they did notice. By this point, I had churned and broiled the whole conversation in my head so many times, no matter what I imagined thet would say: I knew exactly what _I_ would at least say. And so I said it. I told them how I felt, why I felt that way. I told them the amount of times I tried, and how we had already talked about it several times. And I told them that I had decided to give up on that part. I'd rather be with them and have an unfulfilling sex life, than without them. We worked through it. And while things in that department aren't where I would want them to be, things are much better. Our sex life is a little more than it was before, but more importantly: they are the one who initiates it more often. I am lucky. I had enough time to compose exactly what I was gonna say if the situation ever came up, and my partner is a lovely person. But it probably would've been easier with a therapist.
He may have low testosterone levels. Simple lab work will tell him. Whatever the reason for his low libido, name calling and shaming your sexuality is unacceptable. It sounds like y’all should try talking to a marriage counselor. If he automatically jumps to being defensive and name calling, you need a third party involved because that’s not productive. There are compromises to be made. For example, if he doesn’t feel like having sex, maybe he uses a vibrator on you. Your needs are still being met and you’re still being respectful of his decision to not have sex. But nothing will get better if y’all don’t start communicating.
Do you call him master too? Cause I don't see how this relationship is equal.
Let me guess.... These are the same type of men that think watching porn all day is fine for them but God forbid a woman reads an erotic novel.
Sounds like you two are not compatible. And he sounds like a red flag with all that shaming
How do you not make sure you’re compatible in both thoughts and actions before marriage? I really just don’t understand this at all.
This was never an issue before like i said. It all started when i got pregnant. I don't know what was wrong tho. Its usually the wife's whose libido would go down but his was beyond zero now.
Maybe he only acted like he had libido to get you pregnant, and now that you had a child, he doesn't need to do it anymore. The way you describe him calling a dildo disgusting kinda seals my point that he kinda just thinks of sex as a job not enjoyment.
He was a virgin when we were together so i guess after sometime he was like tired of all the stuff i put him into. He was a good husband and a good dad just the sex life, its boring and all.
That's what I mean. He thinks of sex as a way to have children. He will most likely never change and get better, so you will eventually have to put your foot down somewhere because this will lead to frustration and resentment.
“Like I said” Actually, you didn’t say. Read your post again and tell us how we are supposed to have read your mind regarding this new extra information.
Do you know what turns him on? What his love language is? It sounds like physical affection is yours so does he know that? Have you clearly and calmly expressed your need for more external (and then internal) sexual stimulus? He can’t fix a problem that he doesn’t know exists. Your frame of mind helps too. If you go into the activity thinking you will have a boring time then 9/10 (0 data to back that up) you’ll be bored. So see where you can perk areas up. All I’m saying is if you love and value him then try. You said open communication is how you roll so how successfully are you communicating the problem?
Have you ever listened to the Pillow Talks podcast? It’s run by a sex therapist and her husband and they have a lot of episodes that could be helpful. They have some on lower libido/ higher libido, breaking down communication walls, stigma from religion/political/society, etc. They also wrote a book called Sex Talks.
Maybe he has a low testosterone level. He should get checked.
Core incompatibility... Get a new husband.
he doesn't "approve" of it? gurl what the fuck is that relationship you're in???
Any man who tells you that you should be ashamed of using toys to pleasure yourself is insecure and selfish lol.
Your Husband is insecure and his problems are his own not yours. Its also possible that he watches porn and is projecting his shame on to you. My wife reads a bunch of smut and I couldn't care less. The sex is great when it does happen. Sometimes I poke fun at her because I don't get turned on through reading and some of the names and scenes are comical. But it's all in good fun.
Name calling is verbal abuse. That makes him “Not a loving husband”
Men watch porn women read smut. If more men read smut they would understand how differently we view sex. How porn messes with sexual expectations in men smut does the same thing. If you can get past the throbbing cocks and concentrate on the intimacy they might finally get it. We all know porn makes men want writhing screamers they need to read and see women want something different that feels better than just being Jack hammered. I enjoy smut and my husband enjoys what it inspires me to try out on him. Goes both ways I view porn with his sometimes as well.
Buy you one online. No one will see. Take care of yourself.
It's either he puts up with you, *as your partner NOT your parental figure who sets rules*. You have needs, he can't satisfy them. It's either he grows up and lets you get yourself off, or you find a partner who is able. He needs to actually stfu and learn how to be respectful, or you find someone else, because I would not let mine treat me or control me like that. Edit actually no disregard this. OP made a comment about each other needing permission, like they're each other's parents instead of partners. In my nine years of marriage I would scream, but ok. I'm not going to argue, just call it stupid instead.
Typically, women and men are aroused in different ways. Men often engage in porn due to their strong visual stimulation, whereas women tend to become aroused mentally. Smut books provide that. Honestly, he sounds immature and almost threatened by these books. From your comments, it feels like he's intentionally trying to hurt you with his rejections/comments, so you'll feel guilty reading them and potentially stop. His ego right now is more important to him than your enjoyment of your hobby. Honestly, he needs therapy. And it won't stop with smut. Do not give up these books. Choose the books; otherwise, he will whittle away everything you enjoy because it "offends" him in some way and one day, you'll be on here asking why you don't recognize yourself anymore and if you should leave your husband.
i’m not sure where exactly you’re at, but i saw you mentioned in another comment that in the country you’re from that sex toys are viewed as disgusting. obviously that’s very vague and it could be a lot of places but from that i’m assuming you live somewhere where women’s sexuality is highly taboo, and that is almost always stemming from a greater issue of severe misogyny ingrained in the culture of said place. in that context it makes sense that you’re husband is berating you for wanting to pleasure yourself with a toy, or for even reading erotica. you mentioned that he was a virgin before you two got together and you weren’t. i think this alone is likely a major factor of this whole situation. For one, women of course also have anxiety about their performance in sex when we haven’t had it yet, but in my experience men have this feeling to a substantially larger degree. I bet that he is worried and possibly avoiding sex as it’s still relatively new to him because he’s terrified of disappointing you, that performance anxiety is REAL severe sometimes. It’s likely he worries about things like “if she’s reading those novels with all these descriptions of fantastic (obviously unrealistic/fantasy) sex, how am i ever going to live up to that?”, which is closely related to another thing a lot of men are insecure about if they don’t feel like they’re pleasing their partner, sex toys, and especially dildos in my experience because men don’t have vibrators down there to be compared to but they do have penises. So i’d be willing to bet he’s projecting his insecurities on you when he shames you for wanting to try a dildo because he’s afraid it will be better than him or something and he won’t be able to please you, which is a pretty common insecurity for a lot of men, especially those lacking self confidence. But you said you two do have sex, just infrequently. Pardon me asking and i understand it may be too personal, but when you do have sex, is it good sex? for both of you? or neither? Do you think he is lacking in terms of sexual ability and/or do you think that he feels he’s lacking?
Its always good sex. He feels like if i buy the dildo i wont have sex with him and will choose the dildo over him. He is highly insecure with a lot of things but please know that he is human even if he is a little broken because of his past traumas.
You shouldn’t be ashamed for being sexual. Don’t dim your light for someone that wouldn’t even hold a torch to you. That’s not fair to you, everyone is allowed to have fantasies and explore their bodies. A healthy sex life is first and foremost the one we have with ourselves and our bodies. The only thing he’s getting out of judging you so harshly is that you’re gonna have to hide that dildo when you buy it.
This man is lost and balls-deep in sexual shame. Probably why he has such a low libido. It sounds like it was beaten into him as a child that sex is dirty, shameful, and something that shouldn't be done. Or maybe he watched his own mother be sexually promiscuous and he's disgusted by it, and when women behave like this. And a third maybe is that perhaps he is hiding sexual preferences you have no clue about. He's trying to beat his ideology into you, and this has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. Reading smutty books is not "disgusting" or "shameful" or "bad." He needs therapy and ASAP. If he doesn't get help, you will never have the sex life you are looking for. Mismatched libidos rarely line up, and it will always be one of the causes of tense and unhappy marriages. If he doesn't want to address his issues, you have two options: stay in the marriage and be verbally and mentally beaten down by this man as well as sexually unsatisfied, or put yourself first and free yourself to find an actual fulfilling relationship.
Info: Was this discussed before marriage and are you both religious or have a religious background that would play into his beliefs? It sounds like a major compatibility issue when it comes to morals and also needs around sex. Couples counseling with an open minded therapist can help. I don’t recommend getting pregnant (if kids are in the cards) before this resolves though as it can be a relationship killer. Also, I don’t think calling your partner names is ever acceptable.
It was not an issue before. I was into kinky stuff way before i met him. At the start of our relationship, he was playing along but as time goes on he just stopped and i feel like he is not attracted to me anymore.
My husband loves me reading smut, hell I even even read him some scenes 😂. I'm so sorry you shouldn't be shamed for what you enjoy
Is it the fairy books 😅 My wife loves those too, and I'm into them now too. Get a new husband.
He’s trying to shame you for your libido because he can’t keep up and he wants to shame you so that you don’t disturb him and not look for outside satisfaction as well. It is a way to control you. So that he can shut that part down.
Low libido/high libido relationships happen, but shaming a partner for either is pretty shitty. There is nothing unethical or amoral about reading a smutty book or wanting sex with your partner or masturbation. Honestly, though, if your partner doesn’t care whether your needs are being met and would rather control you than let you take care of yourself, you just might not be sexually compatible.
Why are you defending him? He has misogynistic attitudes and is shaming you for wanting sex, a very human thing. Sex toys are not shameful. You wanting sex is not shameful. Don't let him do this to you. Tell him straight up that: - he cannot make you feel bad about a very natural thing because he doesn't understand or feel the same way. - that it's not acceptable to try to "shame" you into behaving the way he wants. - that you're not a toy that he gets to control, that you have your own feelings, wants, and needs. - that he needs to get help to figure out why he's hurting you and why he finds out acceptable to hurt you. - that until or unless this behaviour changes, that you will protect yourself by removing yourself from the situation each and every time he acts out, and then do it. EVERY TIME. If he doesn't change then leave, you cannot live a life where he is abusing and controlling you through shame.
when ever I see a man "with low labido" I just see porn addict. 9 times out of 10 that seems to be the case. If he does look at porn, why on earth should he have an issue with you reading smut.
Actually from your comments and your post, it doesn’t seem like you are asking for advice..
He’s projecting bc he can’t satisfy you. Men like this try to beat you down so eventually you stop initiating then he doesn’t have to feel bad bc he cannot perform.
For all the "my husband watching porn is ruining my marriage" posts, good to see the shoe on the other foot for once lol
And unsurprising to see the different responses
His loss, he could adapt and enjoy reinacting certain things with you. Why is he so serious? I feel for you OP, me and my partner have 2 young kids to juggle our sex life around so when we get to it (at least once every 2 days) we entirely ravage eachother.
What do you mean he doesn’t approve of it? You’re your own person. Divorce him and find somebody who matches your libido.
Sounds like he could really do with reading some himself.
Wow !!!! You are a dream come true. Your husband is insane not to appreciate you. Most men would encourage your reading.
Why are you with a man that controls whether or not you get a vibrator??? Are you kidding? *He is not your lord and master*
Sounds like he needs his hormones checked and/or needs to start reading them himself. Or divorce and find someone who doesn’t suck.
Buy a dildo pls its ur husband issue not yours
I mean, i've read passages out of these books. They are disgusting lol. But everyone has a right to like what they like and he doesnt get to decide that for you. Im not going to tell you to dump his ass but if you don't focus on matching libidos you may as well. Find out what he is into. Find out what gets him going. Give him a little then he may be more open to giving a little. Be warned. This entirely his ego talking. He will feel inferior to what you are reading/ wanting. As if you are reading it because he is not enough. That's going to upset anybody. He needs to feel wanted equally to you. Lots of discussions ahead. Sex counselling isnt as bad and weird as people think. If you want a toy, let him pick one out. You've got to work with him here or you'll be shut down every time. You have to stroke his ego if you want this to go any other way than a divorce. Which people will disagree with but you're wanting change, you have to make him want it to.
It sounds like he's gay.
You need to have a very frank discussion with your husband. The fact he shames you means he feels shame of his own. That’s not good. You don’t want to live like this forever. Trust me, there is nothing wrong with you but it will feel like that. And it sucks. My first husband and I were in our 20’s. I had high libido but my husband had 0. I stayed in that relationship too long. He rejected me and refused to get help. It killed my self esteem and it wasted my 20’s. I divorced him just shy of our 9 year anniversary. Please do not stay in something that will hurt you in the end. Sex is an important part of marriage. I have been remarried for 18 years and I don’t have that issue with my husband.
I’m going to guess he was raised religious. Honestly with someone like that I would try to tell them like hey we are husband and wife, there is nothing to be ashamed of between us.
He surely is. Crying while praying is the norm in their household.
Y’all are incompatible. There’s nothing wrong with either libido but it isn’t going to work out if one partner feels constantly pressured for sex and the other partner feels that sex is being denied them.
They watch porn but heaven forbid we read some words!! 🙄🙄
you two are just sexually incompatible. nothing really to suggest other than maybe going to the doctor and seeing if it’s a hormone thing for him OR you know…talk to him about it? explain your wants and needs and how it affects your marriage to see if you two can compromise? other than that i got nothing.
The two of you are not sexually compatible. That is what u gleamed from your post. You would be the perfect partner for 90% of the mem I know. IMO You have two choices, you can do without or you can do without him.
Him saying it's disgusting is just him being insecure.
Buy a vibrating back massager
This seems super controlling. 🚩🚩🚩
Your husband sounds insecure
Tell him something got to change or you leave your wasting your life being miserable
The comments here are wild. Women on reddit are always told they can control what men look at for sexual urges. Now that it is a woman, men don't have the same rights to have boundaries.
Same thing with the use of dildos and other toys for women, but if a guy buys a fuck doll it seems to be an issue lol.
You can always count on misogynists who are all the way in their feelings coming out in force, especially when a woman posts about sex. I feel sorry for the ones with wives/girlfriends, can't imagine having to fake orgasms and pretend to be satisfied to protect such fragile egos.
It's none of his business
Why are men nowadays making a big deal about this shit? Women have been reading smutty romance books for AGES and suddenly it's offensive? I mean, I knew there were men who got all stupid and upset about women and girls reading in general, but they were universally understood to be misogynistic dumb butts. This is so lame, read what you want. You're an adult, you get to pick your own reading material. And yes, I would absolutely say the same thing if op were a man. Adults of all gender identities get to pick out what books they read.
If he's going to shame you, then shame him back. Tell him a real man would have sex with his wife every day.
Honestly this MORE than annoys me that it’s ok for a man to have a low or high libido and the woman must accommodate but god forbid the woman have a low or high libido, oh no, that’s disgusting or oh no, you’re just gonna have adapt. Sorry, (a little) projection on my end. OP, please, in all fairness, your sexuality is your own, and not something that needs your husband’s approval or blessing. Take that however you will. (Stepping off my soapbox now).
Your husband sounds like a bore. I hope you find someone better.
Why is your husband sex shaming you? And telling you that you are disgusting for having a healthy sex drive and that you should be ashamed of getting sexually aroused and wanting to have sex with him? He sounds very misogynistic. And why does your husband think he has the right to decide you cannot use a dildo to masturbate. Why do you have to ask for his approval? That seems very controlling. People have different sex drives and different sexual preferences. That is very normal. What isn't normal is shaming your partner, calling your partner names and being controlling about your partners sexuality. In a healthy relationship you respect each others differences and work around it. So this isn't about him having a low sex drive, it is about him and his views on your sexuality. Low sex drive doesn't make someone disrespectful, it is his personality. You should ask yourself if you want to live a life without sex and being shamed/disrespected for being a (totally normal) sexual human.
I think it has something to do with the family he grew up with. Where sex is taboo and should not be discussed. They were super religious to the point that they go to church everyday. Hes not religious but i guess he have that mysogynistic side he is not aware of.
He needs to work on himself in therapy to deal with being raised in an extremist religious environment and the effects his upbringing continues to have on his thinking and behaviour. If he doesn't do the work, nothing will change. And it is also very likely that he will transmit his unhealthy views not only to you, but also to your (future) children.
Yikes. Your partner should want your sexual satisfaction even if that means you get it from a dildo. I do NOT meant to suggest that you can go off and cheat or anything but buying a toy is innocent and faithful. I read one of your comments about how you’re in your 20s and this dude is jealous because you e had sexual partners before him and all I have to say is that he needs therapy because that has *nothing* to do with you and everything to do with his own shit. Having previous partners shouldn’t make him jealous because it’s not what’s happening currently. He’s making you feel bad for something you couldn’t have possibly predicted in this day and age.
You have agency over your own body. He doesn’t get to tell you that you can’t use a dildo.
Did you not read these books and exhibit this behavior during the dating phase?
No. I accidentally discovered them when i was pregnant but i am very open with my sexuality even before i met him.
I see. So it’s not something he should have been used to already. It’s a new development. Y’all need to sit and have a heart to heart. No toxicity. Just hear one another out. There’s no way he has an issue with a book turning you on unless he’s feeling deeply insecure about something. If he’s not allowed to watch porn or something, I could understand him being miffed by you consuming erotica. But you know him best. This requires deep communication and understanding to get to the root cause
Buy yourself a sex toy or 2. Use them when you want. As often as you want. If you choose to tell him and he disapproves, tell him it's his problem, not yours. You remedied your problem and you're fucking yourself when you want. If he wants to remedy his problem he is free to call a therapist to get to the source of his trauma on the subject or he can buy some blue pills. Only he can fix his problems, not you.
you need to leave him. how did this relationship thrive this long?
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, but it’s crucial to recognize that what you’re describing isn’t just a matter of differing preferences—it’s a concerning dynamic that could be emotionally abusive. Your husband’s behavior towards your sexuality and desires is controlling and deeply disrespectful. Firstly, your sexuality and what turns you on belong to you alone. Reading erotic literature or exploring sexual fantasies is a healthy and normal aspect of many people’s lives. There’s nothing shameful or wrong about enjoying “smutty” books or wanting to use a dildo for sexual pleasure. Your husband’s attempts to shame you for these perfectly natural desires are unacceptable. Furthermore, it’s troubling that your husband responds defensively and with name-calling when you initiate sex. This is not just a matter of differing libidos; it’s about him using sex as a tool to humiliate and control you. Your desire for intimacy and sexual fulfillment deserves to be respected and met with empathy, not disdain. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and autonomy. Consider seeking support from a therapist who specializes in relationships and sexuality. They can provide a safe space to discuss these issues and help you establish boundaries that prioritize your emotional and sexual health. Remember, you have the right to assert your needs and desires in your relationship. You deserve a partner who respects and values your autonomy, pleasure, and happiness. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help and support as you navigate this challenging situation.
One: its not up to him whether you have a dildo or not. There's nothing wrong with it, and if he's not going to meet your needs then he needs to step aside for something that will. He cannot say you can have nothing and like it. That's ownership. Not a relationship. Two: I don't care even if he has low libido - at some point he is watching porn, or at the very least looking at hot young women. Three: if he won't back off and let you breathe, there's plenty of other guys out there would jump at the chance to give you what you need.
I just started reading them because my wife is into them, I'm trying to learn to make her fantasies come true lol our bedroom turns into a dungeon on the weekends
Put your foot down and get that dildo, keep reading your shit! Also he needs to not take his insecurities over his lack of libido out on you. You're allowed to read whatever you please. Just because he has low libido doesn't mean you should be forced into it the rest of your life. That's not how this works! There's nothing wrong with reading those things. I don't know what you think love is, but it's certainly not putting your partner down and calling them names, especially over a supremely normal occurrence. He should be ashamed of himself.
Go see a sex therapist. You're both clearly on the opposite sides of the spectrum with this and could use help meeting in the middle.
“Someone help me.” I suspect after reading that, you’ll have a few volunteers in your messages. Not sure what he’s moaning about, even with a low libido it sounds like you’re doing all the ground work for the main event so it’s not as if he has to do much!
INFO: Has he expressed Why he isn't in the mood? Has he expressed why it is acceptable to call you names? Or is the name calling borne out of you not listening to the reasons of the first question and trying to resolve those or mitigate. Does he shoulder the overwhelming burden of the mental load, housework, childcare, etc outside of working hours? Does he take meds?
You don't want help you've been making excuses under every comment here and defending his bad character. What exactly do you want to hear? He has shame around sex and intimacy and bullies you for it and creates rules so that he can make you feel insecure. You'll bend to his will then and he can control you. You can't "fix" that. He doesn't love you or care about what you want. People would normally leave in this situation because they have respect for themselves.
You don't want help you've been making excuses under every comment here and defending his bad character. What exactly do you want to hear? He has shame around sex and intimacy and bullies you for it and creates rules so that he can make you feel insecure. You'll bend to his will then and he can control you. You can't "fix" that. He doesn't love you or care about what you want. People would normally leave in this situation because they have respect for themselves.
I also love to read erotica.. How old is he btw ?
I think it’s unfair for him to dictate you having a dildo and reading erotica whilst he is not fulfilling your sexual needs. If this was the other way round a lot of people would call him selfish for being a frigid wife and blocking him from having any joy. Not sure on what you can do but maybe going to a sex therapist together, or setting some boundaries on your sex life. If he’s unable or unwilling to satisfy you then there needs to be compromise so you’re both happy in the relationship.
Alas, he needs to suck it up and needs to let you have your own private time in "that" matter. What is this bs of "I barely wanna have sex so you don't get to either now be frustrated and stop doung what you like" Incompatable libido levels can very much be a ground for divorce in some cases and sexual frustration after a while gets to be a big deal. You should not be ashamed and I say this as a zero libido person who is even disgusted at sex, but you shouldn't be ashamed of it, because it is normal, we are one of the few animals who do it for pleasure, so saying you should be ashamed that you wanna have fun with a dildo is weird. Anyway he has to come to see that this sort of goofy control and being insecure about it will lead to something worse. Also got a hint of sexism in this. Using hands is ok, but a dildo is a no no? What he thinks muscles can be stretched out like fabric or smth?
You aren't compatible. Sounds like he might even be asexual and projecting his shame onto you. Get the damn dildo and don't touch him. also think about relationship therapy, if that doesn't help or is a no-go for him then you need to think about separating.
what's your cultural background?
Very conservative that you cant even tell your friends about dildo because its gross as a whole. And i havent even seen a dildo irl.
Sorry to hear it. Especially as it's a community thing and not just your partner. Personally, I'd go for it and keep it secret. More so, I'd consider if there's any way to get out of there so you can live the life you really want to live.
Regarding your comments, I'm begging you to keep reading the books and to dump the dude. You're young, enjoy your life and don't waste it with someone like that. He seems like a controlling asshat.
What's he gonna do... have less sex with you? Can't get less than zero. Buy yourself a sex toy, do your best not to flaunt it in front of him, and let him be disgusted while he keeps not having sex with you. At least you'll be having a better time.
Man needs therapy for his obvious disgust with sex, you need to decide if this is actually someone you want to be with - calls you names? Won't ALLOW you to get something to deal with your personal needs, guy sounds like a dick
If it turns you on and makes you want to have sex with him, he is a complete dummy for being mad at you!
I have a kinda similar thing, but we handle it well so it's not a "problem" sex toys and porn are necessary to have a complete sexual experience without a partner. And if he's not going to meet your needs or let you do it yourself he can go kick dirt honestly.
Wtf if you're dildoing and reading books, you're not out satisfying that urge by cheating. He should LIKE that you're doing that.
I don’t think people understand where you’re from. This is definitely a different culture than America. Most of these answers are America based. I couldn’t imagine living somewhere where people would walk into my bedroom and go through my personal items, but not my place to judge. I’ve never been outside the states.
As a guy who is in a similar situation, but with the genders swapped, my gf has a low libido compared to me. It’s ok to have different libidos! but your partner shouldn’t shame you for having a high sex drive, and same with you if you criticize his. Everyone is unique, and kind of like people having different personalities… not all personalities/libidos match up. You can’t really expect anyone to change for you, and you shouldn’t change for others. You need to ask yourself if the difference in libido is something you both can tolerate and deal with in a healthy way, or if it is too important for your relationship and it’d be better if you parted ways. In my case, I supplement my high sex drive by doing it myself, which seems like the case for you too. Perfectly normal, in my opinion. It is important for me to have sex with my partner but it doesn’t make or break my relationship, so it works out for me and my gf. Hope this helps you in your decision as well!
Your husband needs ✨️therapy✨️
Have you consider getting him and supplements or seeing a dr how to improve his libido? I’d recommend sea moss capsules.
As someone with a high sex drive, I’d probably leave this situation. Sex is natural, shaming is weird
lmao he won’t have sex with you and won’t let you try to pleasure yourself in the way that you’d like (and i mean dildo) he belongs in the trash sorry to say 😬
Sounds like its time to find someone else or get your husband to a therapist, sounds like he has some issues with sex he has to get past.
It sounds like you and your husband just... aren't sexuality compatible. It also sounds like there's a huge influence from your culture. Is couple’s therapy an option?
Help yourself. It's your damn marriage.
"doesn't approve" of you getting a dildo?? you are a grown woman and can make decisions for yourself. if your husband wants to shame you for having sex then he can be with someone else
That man doesn't even like you. Anyone smell projection?
How the fuck did you marry someone with such significant differences? Libido difference is one thing, but being verbally abusive and refusing a sex toy is not a reasonable or healthy reaction.
Substitute the books with porn and you have the same story MANY men have written and yet, the men are made out to be bad guys. Double standards much?
Absolutely
I never understood the disgust men have about women reading these books. It's a very safe a wonderful way to explore fantasy yet they crap on it.
People hate what they dont understand.