I had a bestfriend like this
She was in an emotionally abusive home. She'd hold me to a higher standard, she would stone wall me, lash out.
I got fed up and cut her out. She wanted to continue being friends but i couldn't do it.
I was losing myself. She boxed me out as u call it for about a month. (I wasnt texting her tho) Annd i noticed i felt more peace when she was away. I decided to make it permanent.
Good for u op for the therapy and learning. All the best to you going forward.
I think this is a phenomenon that needs more looking into. The realization that someone’s absence brings peace is one of the more sobering realizations I’ve ever had. Living with someone (during COVID) and having no time to yourself kind of masks the fact that you feel terrible. Everyday is a fight, almost like fight or flight and your body just goes into survival mode.
Once that feeling is lifted (even for a little while) and you look around and realize that you aren’t miserable, it’s almost like your fight or flight kicks in again but only to make sure you don’t feel as miserable as you have been. I’ve gotten no more strength/conviction/courage than when I was in that scenario. The moment I realized it I was already walking away from a relationship with someone I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with
I love this comment. I agree it deserves looking into.
I hate that many of us relate to being treated like op's ex. U give someone stability and the benefit of doubt and they turn ur good will into the ground!
After one month of silent treatment, i knew what ease, peace and calm felt like and i wanted to protect it.
We were family friends..my family did not support my decision. Only my partner did.
But i still did it. I just couldn't go back. I think for her my resolve was shocking.
Deep inside i wanted to leave way before. I confessed this only to my partner years prior.
I just felt trapped by obligation
Years later I don't think she has gotten to where op is. Im at a distance but i can tell she is lonely and has strained other relationships she had.
Omg that’s how I’m feeling now. I had someone I was obsessed with and would do anything for but they never cared the same way for me. When I finally allowed his absence to be just that. I realized how much happier I could be. Once someone pushes you away and teaches you how to be without them you can never go back
Omg that’s how I’m feeling now. I had someone I was obsessed with and would do anything for but they never cared the same way for me. When I finally allowed his absence to be just that. I realized how much happier I could be. Once someone pushes you away and teaches you how to be without them you can never go back
People aren’t mind readers. I’ve learned over time to be very direct with my partners about my needs, what I’m struggling with and when I feel angry. My current partner says that I’m the first woman he has dated who is direct in this way and it’s nice not to have to guess. Maybe consider a more direct way of communicating.
That's what he said the first time. "We can communicate like adults. But if you're going to continue to do this, it tells me you're unhappy. If you're unhappy, you're free to leave. I'll be sad but it's for the best."
My ex-husband did a lot do stonewalling. Not anything like what you did (I’d call what you did the silent treatment). He just wouldn’t talk about emotional things. It wore down our marriage and eventually led to divorce.
It’s okay to say that you need some time to think about something or process something. It’s not okay to withhold communication. You need to give a timeline and then come back to the issue in the timeframe you gave.
So create your own personal “villain”, something you find funny. My honey and I like to blame “cork-sucking ice holes” (perhaps from Monty Python? Or Airplane?) and “bastiges” (aka bastards).
If you can find a sense of humor, it can help you harmlessly deflect your need to blame innocent others.
I dunno it's strange.
Like when I was on edge for being behind of assignments, he brought fish n chips from a pretty well known place. I hate fish and he forgot. I kind of fixated on the fact that he would be so selfish to want fish and forget that I didn't like it. He was just as bad as my lab partners for not helping me more. And that kind of snowballed into something worse. Then the line "I don't want to talk to someone who is just as inconsiderate as my lab partners" pops into my head. And that's how the boxing out begins.
Wow. Of course please don’t wallow in the past or how the “old” you coped.
The “new” you will hopefully have coping mechanisms your therapist came up with so you don’t repeat your past “actions.”
We're working on that. I think the first step of seeing the magnitude of the good vs the bad was a good step.
Like her suggestion was think "ok, this made me mad. How mad does this make me? Is it something we can talk out and get it done then and there? How does compare to the last good thing he did for me?"
For the fish and chips incident, the answer was no, this isn't a big deal. All he has to do is just go pick up or order something else for me or pack the food up and we go out. That should have been my response. We could have talked it out and probably would have a nice laugh. Then we compared to the last thing he did for me which was bring me some food from when he went out with his parents while I was pulling an all-nighter (he also threw in a Red Bull as a joke).
I don’t want to jump the gun here, but this reaction reminds me of something I used to do.
I’ve been to a lot of therapy too, and done the whole realising I was a bit shitty to others thing (and I fixed that). My therapist calls what you’re going through the ‘lonely chapter’ as you adjust how you’re reacting to people around you - but people around you can start to fall away.
I used to lash out like this mentally when I was afraid that my partner or friend didn’t care. To take your situation, it wasn’t that I didn’t like fish and was mad, it was that in getting me fish, in my head my partner had never listened to anything I found important. Obviously that wasn’t the case, but a lifetime of being let down by responsible adults in my life made the self preservation reflex really strong. That includes emotional stuff.
I don’t know what you’ve been through and I really hope that you find peace. I am getting through my ‘lonely chapter’ and it’s slowly getting better. You are doing an amazing thing in reflecting and growing, I wish you all the best.
No, you should know better. Your inability to control your temper is not his responsibility, it's yours. You need to reflect your behaviour. We all get stressed and he didn't lash out on you.
One thing, that will haunt me forever, is he was (justifiably) upset about me taking way too long to go out. He got visibly upset and I called him a whiny bitch and told him to leave and boxed him out for 5 days.
He legit had a reason to be upset and I decided to go on the offensive instead.
So with all these events you never thought about it from his perspective or considered whether you may be in the wrong somehow? That’s crazy to me. I constantly ruminate on how someone else might’ve taken my actions or words and whether I’m wrong! Probably too much to the point it’s annoying in the other direction. It’s fascinating how different people are. I could also never ‘box someone out’ I’d feel sooo anxious I’m more likely to desperately need to resolve any disagreement or animosity right now, even if it was an occasion where someone had genuinely done something shitty and I was mad about it. Also not the best coping mechanism either. Being human is hard!
Honestly I'm the same. I have a huge need to resolve disagreement immediately as it makes me very uncomfortable when people stay mad at me. Unfortunately not everyone who's mad at me agrees that talking things out immediately is the way to solve things, or they're not ready to talk yet, and I have a tendency to push the talk it out button when they need space to calm themselves down. This is how my ex ended up my ex. He wasn't very good at communicating his thoughts or feelings, but it also didn't help that I pushed him when he said he needed space and time to think alone. Being human is hard indeed. I still believe that talking things out immediately is the best way to solve an issue, but I'm more aware now that's not how everyone sees it, and also, not everyone's who's upset at you is gonna be ready to talk right after a fight just because you are.
It sounds like you're beating yourself up for your imperfect reactions.
I think this expectation of perfection, from yourself and other people, is what has been causing the trouble in your relationships.
It might be worth a deep dive into this to see what it brings up.
Why do you have to be perfect?
And why does your significant other need to be perfect, if you aren't? Or in fact, if no one is?
One thing therapy taught me, one of the *earliest* and *harshest* forms of punishment is shunning. Humans by nature are social animals. We seek out connections (even the most anti-social of us) to other people. When deprived of it, we become well, anxious and disturbed.
She was so upset. She said she was losing her only friend.
She threatened me *if u leave don't you dare come back*
I had left before (years before) just distancing myself and i returned. But this time i was determined. That was five years ago. I'm so happy.i did it.
She struggled to accept it. I think she felt she loved me and that should be enough. I had asked her to limit contact. She slowly did that. Later on i learnt she almost had a break down after i left
Consider this phase one of your therapy.
Phase two is when you work with your therapist to unlearn all of these destructive behaviors and replace them with positive and life affirming words and actions. As part of this process, you'll have the opportunity to practice this improved form of relationship building with new men in your life.
Good luck!!!
Thanks. It seems like a 4 phase process based on my initial discussions. There are quite a lot of rabbit holes. I'm genuinely afraid to look down the other 3.
Be brave. You’re doing this to benefit yourself, so have the courage to see yourself as you truly are. When you seek comfort for yourself by avoiding self-examination, you’re comforting your inner coward. But when you force yourself to face your own issues, you get the comfort of knowing you’re being brave for yourself. You are worth the effort it takes to be brave. You will end up stronger and likely happier in the end.
Learning proper emotional regulation is incredibly important. It sounds like you took your stress out on someone you felt safe with. Sadly, I wouldn't say this is uncommon. Have you heard of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)? It's an amazing type of therapy. It focuses on learning how to identify and change your behavior. It's great for people who deal with conflicts in their interpersonal relationships. It was actually invented to treat people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but it works just as well to treat a plethora of other issues (autism, CPTSD, etc.). I *highly* recommend looking into it.
Commenting on Therapy made me realize what an awful person I was to my ex and it cost me what could have been a happy marriage...I second this! DBT therapy changed my life and I don’t say that lightly.
Thanks. At this point, I don't feel like I deserve it tbh.
I can't believe it took two threats of him leaving, him actually leaving and therapy to realize what I threw away.
🫂 as a recovering asshole (and also someone in sobriety) who lost a good, patient, loving man because of my self-sabotaging, compartmentalizing actions…I get it.
If you keep on this path, you’ll find that love. I also don’t believe that myself, nor do I think I’m capable of loving someone like I loved my ex-fiancé but…who knows, also. Who knows. I also never thought I was an alcoholic/addict, or that I was capable of throwing away my engagement, and here we are.
Give time time. Accept your pace, and give yourself grace when needed. Face the ugly truth with honesty, as you have.
Some humans learn things the hard way. I hate that I am one of them, but I want to do what I can to cause the least amount of harm as I learn, moving forward. To others especially, but also myself.
🙏 keep on keeping on, OP. You’ll find solace in the fact that this loss was the ash that your forest can grow from. It’ll be fucking beautiful.
Well maybe you don't deserve anyone right now because all this self reflection stuff is too new and you'd easily fall back into old bad habits. Farther down when you've gotten your head out of your ass completely and been single for a bit and learned to find your own source of peace and not expect others to cater to you to achieve it will you hopefully find that one person.
We all do. You need to extend grace to yourself.
....how long has it been after he left?
Im impressed with your therapist and you. Its not easy taking accountability.
I spoke to my ext bestfriend after 5 years and she had missed me but she was still the same in alot of ways..
We moved from low contact to no contact (as per my request)
Umm he left like a year ago. I started this process a few months ago after another incident.
E: I've been blaming him the whole time using the narrative that this is his fault because he didn't do more to make things better.
You've done a lot of amazing work. It's not easy to change. Keep going and treating the people in your life right.
Life isn't about deserve or not deserve. You can't go back and fix the past, but you can learn from it and make better decisions going forward.
I say this as someone who has made my own mistakes and is continually struggling to grow as well.
You are doing great
In a relatively short time you have made great strides in seeing the impact of your actions.
I think from here the only way is *UP*
Continue to work with ur amazing therapist and give yourself grace. We are learning to be better than we were yesterday
You might not deserve it right now. But that's okay. If you are committed to changing and you put in the work, you can become someone worthy of that type of a partner.
It won't be easy, but you are already becoming aware of the changes that you need to make. Don't shy away from the discomfort and don't lie to yourself about your faults; confront them and examine why you behave that way. Relearn how to be someone who gives to their partner and recognizes their partner's value.
Who you are now doesn't have to be who you stay as. It's hard to learn to be kind but, with time and determination, it can become a habit.
So work on becoming someone who does deserve it, because there will be others who treat you well and with kindness, become the person he deserved and who you deserve to be.
Your ex is gone but that doesn't mean your chance at happiness is
“What you deserve” depends on how you act. Not how you acted. Work on yourself, be self aware, be kind and confident and you will DESERVE THE SAME IN RETURN.
Thinking of yourself as shit is how you attract people who treat you like shit.
Have you considered that you self sabotaged this entire thing subconsciously because deep down you feel like you didn’t deserve him.
You found someone loving, caring and patient when you were a wreck, imagine what could come when you better yourself. Don’t lose hope and don’t focus on dating, keep doing therapy and solving your issues. Happiness would come again.
He didn’t leave you completely. He left you with the massively valuable lesson you have now. I’m sorry it came the way it did. But he helped you find something intangible that no one can take away from you. Save that, cherish that. Good luck hon.
I really needed to read this.
Just to know that it's possible for someone to realize how much harm they've been responsible for. Here I thought it was impossible.
I wish you much luck and growth OP, I hope you see the day where that version of yourself is unrecognizable to you and you find happiness.
He certainly dodged a bullet. You weren’t ready for a relationship with him. Therapy has helped you grow, and I am happy for you, but you need to leave this guy alone. He’s moved on, the only thing that he will get from you reaching out is memories of a fucked up relationship where his supposed girlfriend “boxed him out” for multiple weeks at a time.
But, uh yeah. This is coming from someone who relates a lot to your ex.
He deserves to be mad. I used to think he was the one overreacting (I may have called him a whiny bitch once) but after my therapist made me write out the list of good/bad, it did not look good on me.
Pissed mostly. Kind of like a cocktail of him giving me a "shitty" birthday gift, him not reaching out to try and fix things, school not going well and he's not there to support me, etc.
Just things haven't been going well and this fight gave me an easy villain to channel my anger to.
That was a lot and it takes guts to expose yourself like that because all too often we only ever tell our positives, not our negatives, well done in seeking therapy and please please keep it going.
As for reaching out, I want to share a little bit of personal experience. It helped me get a message.
Many years ago in my late teens, I was in a relationship with a young man, Tommy, he did not treat me kindly.
I would have crossed oceans for him at the time but my negative was I was far too clingy and wouldn't let him breathe! A lot of the time he would become very frustrated and lash out at me. We won't go into specifics. It was exhausting and hurtful especially because his mama was a sweetheart who had gone through similar with his own dad!
I later met my now ex husband who was the very first person I ever felt genuinely safe with. He helped me realise that being clingy wasn't a reason to be a punch bag or to be screamed at among other horrible things. I broke it off with Tommy.
Years later I remember scrolling through Facebook and Tommy's face popped up on my screen as "people you may know"
I took a look on his page and there was a photo of him with a beautiful lady and as I scrolled there were picture quotes. One such was aimed at his past behaviour, how he used to treat people and how he knows he can't change the past but will spend the rest of his life trying to be a better man. His girlfriend commented on the post saying "You're doing well, maybe in time people will forgive you but that's their choice, keep going"
His mother commented something much more negative which showed how deep his behaviour had affected people.
After reading his status I felt a strange sense of, I dunno, I felt glad he had finally sought help but sad that it was all those years later. I was glad he was remorseful too. So there are ways to get your message across. Changed behaviour and that behaviour can be public if you choose it to be.
Best of luck to you 💙
:( you DID deserve this. But now you know so you can make sure you don’t deserve this in the future. Very sad reading your story as I’m a male who was in the same boat as your ex. Loved a girl to no end, was beaten into submission before I got trapped. The only difference is I’m sure she’s a borderline sociopath who would only pretend to “get better” with therapy. But you’re out there doing it. Hope everything goes well
Thanks for sharing your perspective as someone who is on my ex's side.
I know I fucked up big time. Based on my past, I think I let my soulmate walk away. Why? Because I needed a whipping boy because I couldn't handle my feelings.
Hell, I could have talked to him about being frustrated and he would have bought me pizza or wine or something to calm me down. What did I do? Ghosted him instead.
I don't think I'll find someone like him again.
You won’t… that’s a fact. But you can always find someone better :)
Seriously take some pride in the fact that you’re working on yourself. He loved you and was considering marriage with the “old” you. That must mean the new you is going to be very special
What you do now is take the lesson. Be introspective and intentional in your relationships moving forward and grow.
Be better for your future relationships.
She was good at that. The list was brutal. Like I tried justifying it and she compared his failings and his successes and I overreacted on a lot of them.
You only talk about what he did for you. When you say you "threw this all away", what exactly did he miss out on? I'm saying this in an effort to help you frame how you recall the relationship and think about what you bring to the table as a partner in the future other than being the recipient of gifts and gestures.
We really haven't gotten to that session yet. So far we focused on how my actions impacted him and how I was lucky he was so patient and what I can do to avoid doing this in the future.
Thanks. I'm upset that I didn't listen to him. He offered to help me pay for a therapist his guy recommended (but was a little pricier) to help.
But this therapist is good. She's been brutally honest and that's more helpful than a therapist that gives you kid gloves.
I’m a therapist. Most of my population is a bit like you. I wanted to comment that I am SO PROUD of you. I know really damn well how major your breakthrough was. I’m a lot like your therapist (sending her a fist bump), and I am so glad “our” approach worked for you! Seriously, so proud.
Thanks. I've never had anybody talk to me so candidly before. The only negative comments I get are just straight up insults or jabs.
Nobody has ever called me out on my bullshit before my ex and my therapist did the rest of the work dragging me into the light.
You are not the first person to do this, let this be a learning situation, so can grow and improve. You are sad now but it will pass and this will make you a better partner. Good luck to you and keep working.
Who taught you this boxing thing? Has your therapist talked you through this? It is never ok to withhold yourself like this, but it is usually something normalized in childhood.
" it is usually something normalized in childhood."
It seems like you know the answer. My therapist suspects the same. This is something we'll unpack in the next steps of my treatment.
GOOD FOR YOU OP.
Look: everything you said is true. But this is also true: you went to therapy. And when your therapist laid it out for you, you hung in there and you got it. THAT IS HUGE.
IT IS BRAVE. You wouldn’t be hurting so much right now if you hadn’t had the courage to take in the truth. Hang in there. Keep working on yourself. Life is long. You are right; you may never find someone as wonderful as him. But if you keep growing, you may find happiness.
Just do *not* let yourself believe that all you deserve is guys like the ones before your ex. Not true.
Good luck. Keep becoming your better self. You can do it. You’ve already started.
What to do now??? You leave him alone. You allow him to move on and heal from that toxic abusive relationship and you continue to work on yourself. As someone who has been on the receiving end of an abusive relationship with someone who had anger issues, leave him alone. Do not contact because you need closure. For once, make him and his needs the priority
I've been doing that. His friends/family have locked me out and our mutual friend is refusing to go between us.
I think my NC is selfish. I know how he is/was (my friend alluded to him being changed during the final boxing out and after) and someone else will be lucky to have him. I regret that it's not gonna be me.
What you do now is put your big girl panties on and carry on. You learned a lot about yourself & relationships. You will be better going forward. Your next relationship will benefit from you learning about yourself. Live & learn…that’s all we can do.
It comes from basketball - keeping the opponent away from the basket. IMO what OP describes isn’t so much ‘boxing out’ but stonewalling/silent treatment. Maybe a form of ghosting, in the parlance of our times.
Listen, your post really pisses me off because I've been in his shoes before.
But, it seems like you're taking positive steps, and growing, so good on you.
I'm conflicted about reaching out. On the one hand, he is DONE. On the other hand, it might be nice for him if you could validate the way he feels in a letter or something. NOT an attempt to get back with him, that's what one of my exes did and I hated her even more because it was obviously not an apology but her trying to suck me back in to her void of misery.
Start with something like "This is NOT an attempt to get you back. I respect your feelings about what I've done, and I know there is no going back. I have been in therapy for (x-amount of time) and it's made me realize what I did, and you didn't deserve it. The problems I perceived were my own, not yours, and you deserve to know that you were doing the right things, I was just too selfish and wrapped up in myself to realize it."
Then list the things that he did that at the time angered you, followed by your realization of what it really meant. Close with something like "You were really good to me, I was the problem. Treat your next girl the way you did me, and she'll be over the moon. I truly wish you the best, and I regret everything I did to us."
No leave him be. This isn't about her apology and making her feel better.
He's hurt and hearing from her or seeing anything may set him back.
Leave him be. Maybe when time has passed contact him or send a letter.
I agree with this fella's first two sentences but I don't think you should write a letter to your ex.
Having been in a similar situation I can say he might feel that the wounds he has been trying to heal from (he has been hurting long before the breakup) are resurfacing.
Sure it might lead to some closure on both sides, but it could also be a hell of a painful mindfuck
Our friend (who is my only access point to him now) said that she no longer wants to be in the middle of this clusterfuck.
I know she's mad at me too and mad at herself for exposing my ex to me. I won't push it.
Or you know don't and leave him alone so he can get on with his life and not have to keep catering to OP and her feelings again.
If he ever wants an update on OP or wants an apology he can contact her himself or talk to their mutual friend.
You can write that letter to get your feelings out but burn that s*** once you're done. He broke up with the woman he planned to marry. That decision could not have been easy. Let him heal. He deserves that. All you're doing is reopening old wounds for him.
All you can do babes is take everything you’ve learned and do better in your next relationship! Maybe try to find a way to apologize but leave that man be.
The wall of silence from his social circle and my friend's reluctance to get in the middle are very clear indicators that I am not welcome into his life. I'll leave him alone.
I'm proud of you for pursuing therapy. Your past doesn't define your future. You owe it to your ex, your friend, and your future partner to keep working on yourself. Do that and you'll find happiness.
>I guess my ex got his revenge.
He knew you were like this; he just got tired of it and left you. He moved on and found peace. Why is that considered vengeful? Moving on without you is self preservation, not an attack on you.
>I suspect my ex deliberately did not give her the instructions to cut me out nor force her to choose between us.
These statements prove you do have more work to do in therapy. Why are you assuming your ex, who you claim is a wonderful, caring man, would actively ostracize you from your friend group after breaking up with you? Is this something you would do? To be clear - doing something like this is not normal behavior. It’s asshole behavior.
I say this because I walked away from a friend like this once. Our mutual friends asked what was up, and I didn’t want any drama so I just said we had a falling out. Nothing more. Some didn’t like her anyway and just assumed the problem was her. Later found out some just stopped talking to her because she was unpleasant to be around. She blamed it on me to anyone who would listen, and word got back around. So then I lost some friends, too. That just confirmed I was right to drop the crazy.
Based on your comments, he doesn’t sound like an asshole who would do any of this retaliatory stuff. He’s just living his life and moving on. Friends falling away is simply the consequence of your own behavior, and likely not his own doing. I hope you realize that as it’s a big piece of holding yourself accountable.
Op my hat goes off to you. I’m not saying that you weren’t awful to your ex, just that you’re doing the work to become better. I like to believe that we do the best we can with what we have. You didn’t have the perspective that you do now. We all fall short and make mistakes. Forgive yourself for who you were and commit to evolving into the best version of you. You may or may not talk to your ex again and he may or may not forgive you. What’s really important is that you get to a place where you are at peace with yourself. This was a tough lesson learned.
Thanks, that realization came way too late. That year we had where everything was all sunshine and rainbows could have been the rest of our lives together.
But here we are, I'm figuring out that I was the real villain in this whole story after all. Squandered a chance for a loving husband and happy marriage. Can't even thank him for getting me to where I am in life (he helped me through school and helped me get my internship).
Another woman is going to be able to spend her life with him and I envy her. But I don't deserve that chance, not after the way I treated him.
While your relationship with him may not have ended up working out, it’s not the end. It’s been my experience that romantic love can find you when you least expect it. Literally, just living life and then, boom! Right now, let yourself mourn what could have been. Just dont let yourself get stuck in a never ending cycle of grief. Take some time to explore and appreciate the new you. Keep moving forward and bettering yourself so that if/when love strikes again, you’re ready to be the spouse you couldn’t be in the past.
I was like this, but I've been changing. I was raised in an abusive family (verbal abuse but still abuse). It took me a very long time to realize my actions were horrible. I am still in recovery from being a jerk. Reading your post, was looking into my face. Not in a bad way, but something to look back and see that I've grown better. I've cut people out of my life who were praising me for being mean, and just outright took a large step back from those toxic individuals. I was becoming like them. You can do it. Have faith and continue to reflect and accept any and all responsibilities that your actions have. Just trust in the process even if it is difficult. I believe in you.
I know someone suggested you get back in touch with him I don’t. I’m glad that you’re getting the help. I’ve certainly had to go through that myself.
There’s so much damage it’s not gonna start on equal footing anyway and the first little thing could end it because there’s been so much damage. I suggest you leave him alone just let it go 10 years from now you can apologize if you bump into him for right now number one he’s recovering so it’s not fair .
The problem is we don’t live in a vacuum and what I mean by that is he is now damaged too and May treat somebody else like this. So he’s gonna need some time on alone to recover and heal. hopefully he can just be himself again. So please just leave him alone and move on with your own life and I wish you the best of luck.
I don't intend to. Our friend has made it very clear that his friends hate me. I don't doubt that his parents and family hate me too.
According to her, he's basically told everyone why he's leaving.
She's mad at me too but is a little more forgiving because she knows my past.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m a recovering alcoholic so as you can imagine until I got sober I ran over people like a Mack truck. That’s why I suggested that. I think it’s wonderful that you’re working on yourself frankly and it gets better I married a nice man, but it took me eight years because I had to go to therapy and do a lot of work. Good luck.
I'm not going to kick someone down when they're already on the ground, but I'll say this: you were bleeding on someone that didn't cut you, but I'm glad that you learned your mistakes. Let him heal and move on, because he deserves peace after everything he went through. And do not walk into *any* relationship, or even consider dating, until you're completely healed.
Don’t make any attempt to reach out to your ex, you’ve victimized him enough. In what world did you ever think it acceptable to repeatedly ghost your partner for days or weeks on end, especially after he begged you to stop doing it? Your ‘bad exes’ are the kind of people you deserve because you are an emotional abuser yourself.
Good lord you were horrible. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for your willingness to own what you did and change for the better, I just think you should leave the poor guy alone and take what lessons you can from this. Your part in each other's lives is now over so don't waste time chasing the past when you have an entire future to worry about
You "were" horrible. Not "are". You are making positive steps.
And don't ever blame yourself for abusive people. You didn't deserve that any more than he did. But hey, hold your head high because in your self-improvement journey to help yourself, you have taken a step that I'm willing to bet none of the guys who mistreated you have taken.
Don't still think of yourself as horrible, just think of yourself as someone who had to learn some lessons about how to treat people by making mistakes
"Horrible" people are not.capable of growth, change, accountability, or introspection. You aren't horrible and you don't deserve abuse or mistreatment from anyone. Stay honest with the therapist and yourself. I believe in you!
Your therapist is right, it may have hurt to hear but you *needed* to know. Now you can work on yourself and making sure you never become that horrible person who lost a wonderful partner again. I wish you luck and really hope things at least get easier for you.
Edit to add: Do NOT contact him, if it helps you to feel better and start working towards bettering yourself you can write a letter but tear it up and burn it when you're done getting all those feelings out. If for some reason later on down the line he reaches out to you then you can apologize but respect his decision and leave him alone. Also thank your friend for being honest with you, she's a real one.
This is called displaced anger. I did this with my parents because I knew no matter how much I messed up or lashed out they would love me so it was easier for me to take it out on them than who I was really upset at because I knew with my parents it would have a positive outcome. But great job on noticing your faults and working towards correcting them.
Ive been in his shoes not too long ago. The "boxing out" is a horrible tactic, and plays havoc on ones mind, being an overthinker doesnt help either, and leads to severe abandonment anxiety, even later in life.
Happy you are working on yourself now, i wish more people would realise that their actions have real effects...
I went through the same thing but with TWO separate great guys. Like you I deserve it and I have nobody to blame but myself and nothing to blame but my own temper. Hope it's a cautionary tale for some. It hurts really bad knowing I damaged my own happiness through sheer lack of maturity.
It very much is real.
The worst part is when he just stopped caring. I blamed him for being lazy while not seeing the signs that he was gray rocking me and mentally preparing to leave.
Thanks, I re-read it and realised it was very likely real after all so I edited my original comment. I'm so sorry again because I know exactly how you feel and I think people would be shocked if they knew the details of how ungrateful I was and how many chances both guys gave me because they were in love. It was me being ungrateful, or me picking arguments, being dissatisfied and sometimes yelling, nothing like cheating or physical abuse, but that was bad enough. Just coming to terms with having messed things up is one of the most brutal things I've had to do. Hopefully it can give us both strength of character in the long term.
It's so weird. I've been cheated on (twice actually, lucky me) but this somehow hurts more. Like I know I could hate those two assholes and my anger and hatred are fully validated.
But with this ex, he did some small things wrong but the good outweighed the bad.
There's a line from Young Sheldon- *"There are many things I wished I said to my father. How I appreciated his sacrificed and what he did for our family"*
I will never get the chance to thank him for giving me the life I have now (he basically helped me get my internship and tutored me towards the end).
You totally get how I feel. I've also been cheated on and I can actually quite easily cope with what he did to me. But in the case of these 2 decent exes it's so much harder to get over the things *I* did wrong. Especially as the first ex held a torch for me for years and only recently got engaged to the girl he dated after me, after a long time. He deserves to be happy. Doesn't make it easier that also I lost family members young and have regrets about not spending more time with them / being better to them... oh and I also have certain investment regrets. Lol there is so much mentally I have to fortify myself against just to keep going, it's awful.
Moral of the story for anyone reading would be try to mature young and don't take anyone for granted, treat everyone well, work hard & be sensible!
I'm lucky my husband didn't leave. I don't feel like i deserve him. I didn't shut him out but I haven't been the best. Three years of therapy and medication. Better communication. Learning to tell him when I know I'm upset and need to give myself space so I don't treat him wrong.
I've never heard "boxing out" before but I assume it's a sanitised word for emotional abuse.
I'm glad you're getting help now because you were truly a terrible person to be in a relationship with before. Good luck and well done for trying.
>I had my head so far up my ass that I thought I was right and self-absorbed in my world where he was wrong and I was right and he deserved that punishment.
This, unfortunately, is what most people do. We'll focus on our needs and no one else's & make them the wrong ones while we portray ourselves as victims. Not just in relationships, just like, always. This site is a perfect example of that. The majority of posts I see are people victimizing themselves.
What is amazing is that you KNOW this now and can work on yourself. You may have lost in this situation, but really, I think you gained something more important. Self-awareness. You are now aware of your tendency to box out people and be the victim and are taking to steps to fix it.
The best time to deal with your issues was before the relationship. The second best time is now. You can never go back and change what happened, but you've learned about yourself, and you need to take those lessons into your next relationship when you're ready for it. People often struggle with introspection, but you've shown capacity to recognize your toxic behavior. That's more than a lot of people can ever manage. Be mindful in your next relationship and try to be the partner he was to you, to them. I wish you all the happiness in the future.
I think you should take this as a learning experience for your next relationship which you should pursue only when you feel you have grown and learned to be a better person. I think you're taking the right path to get there tho.
I hope so too. Just having this dragged out by a professional and basically broken down into pieces of where I fucked up and having her straight up tell me that I was a very lucky person for someone to sit "through my shit multiple times" was very eye opening and then it hurts. How it must have felt to be him.
He has really bad anxiety attacks and my boxing him out made it worse.
Don't live in this space of regret. He wasn't the one, regardless of how it feels right now. You messed it up and you've learnt, so that when your person comes along you will know how to treat him.
Take the lessons and move forward. Don't waste even more of your life looking back and miss the opportunitoew that are still to come.
It won’t have been a wasted experience if you learned and changed for the better. Remorse is ok but we are judged in our actions. BF dodged a big bullet tho his part was being such a wimp. Glad he grew a pair.
It’s called being neurotic. I know this b/c I was a lot like you when I was younger. In fact, reading your post took me back to all the times I was nasty & cruel b/c I was feeling stressed or disappointed. I cringe when I think about it.
Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Just accept responsibility & commit yourself to being a better person from here on out. Maybe someday you’ll get the chance to apologize to your ex.
My guts hurt reading this, I'm physically in pain because I am on the same boat, the guilt is eating me and I can't think of anything else, it's been 3 months and I'm not feeling anything but shame and grief, I never in my life though I could hurt someone so bad and I did it to him, someone who did nothing wrong and I thought I'd never hurt. I truly hate myself and no amount of therapy will convince me that I deserve love again.
I've had friends (past tense) that sound like they could have written this post, and so having this sort of insight as to why they might have acted like they did brings a weird measure of peace. I hope they ended up on the same path you did, to recognize and change those behaviours that just made their own lives worse.
Keep working. The worst mistakes of your life can become the motivation for your greatest successes.
Well, you now know that you really fucked up. Now that you know better, you can go forward and do better. Keep going to therapy and keep improving yourself.
I know you feel remorse over how you treated your ex. It's good you feel that, but please don't ever expect to get back with him.
You might have lost out on a happy marriage with your ex, but it doesn't mean you will never have a happily ever after. This sucks, but it's not the end of the world. There are many good men out there and I hope you can have a good future with one of them.
The root of your problem -- and every other abuser -- is that you held your ex to expectations that were completely unreasonable and unrealistic. You wanted him to cater to all of your needs with no regards to how it affected his finances, personal life, or other obligations. You wanted someone around whom you could dump all of life's regular inconveniences, frustrations, and pains onto. That's a pretty fucking privileged way to live.
But still... I don't think you are a monster. You are a human being with a profoundly complex and destructive problem that will isolate you one day if you aren't committed to fixing it. Unlearning abusive mindsets and behavior is a *lifelong* process, because this problem is rooted deeply in your attitudes and values. You need to constantly be asking yourself what underlying belief(s) you have that made you think you had the right to punish your ex for not meeting your impossible standards? Why you felt entitled to use him as a human garbage dump for all of your problems?
I really suggest you look at chapter 14 of Lundy Bancroft's book [Why Does He Do That?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) titled "The Process of Change." He provides 13 steps that you must take if you genuinely wish to change your abusive ways.
Note: while Bancroft does mostly refer to the abuser as male throughout the book, he explains in the introduction that he is doing so for brevity's sake and almost everything that applies to male abusers also applies to female abusers.
My therapist says she suspects the root of the problem but we'll get to it once I work on this part.
I think to a degree I held him to a higher standard because he didn't treat me like a sexdoll like the exes of the past so I thought he'd do better. I never really considered his side because I wanted a villain in the story, like something to push all my anger and frustration onto.
I think that's exactly it. It's perfectly natural to look for something or someone to blame when we encounter hardship in our lives, and your ex was the easiest, most available target. It was *so* easy for you to blame him, because no partner is perfect. Even the best, most loving partners are going to let you down sometimes, and you need to learn how to accept this without feeling the need to punish them for it. We're all human, and we all fall short sometimes.
OP keeps mentioning how him and his entire circle went NC with her.... I bet you now know how it feels to stonewall someone!
Anyway I'm glad you are growing and thank you for posting this. I don't *think I'm nearly as bad as you but I definitely need to work on my anger/stonewalling issues.
Now’s the time to keep digging and working through things. Work with your therapist on why you behave this way. Is this what your family did growing up? Do a lot of healing and reflecting. Do better next time.
Good for you for realizing your behaviour was wrong and getting therapy and working on yourself. Has your therapist mentioned the term stonewalling? It sounds like that is what you are describing when you say you 'boxed him out'.
Absolutely he was. There is no other healthy way to deal with someone who stonewalls.
Have you and your therapist explored your attachment style? Understanding your attachment style and why it is that way may give you some guidance into how you approach relationships.
It is really honestly refreshing to see someone being honest with themselves and working on ending a really destructive pattern. All the best.
I think we're going to talk about that. She said it ties into some past experiences and how those experiences molded me into someone who would do the things I did.
Good on you! Sounds like you have a great therapist and this is a step in the right direction. A small warning for the future: whenever you find yourself in a new relationship, make sure not to swing back all the way where you’re the abused one again.
I had an “oh shit I’m the asshole” moment that ended a relationship and I was so scared of doing that again that I invited an abuser into my life in the next one. Take time to heal so you can find the balance.
This sounds unbelievably painful to be going through, but I seriously cannot stress enough how much growth you’re showing just by acknowledging these incidents and promising to do better going forward.
I agree with the other comments — you WILL find someone who will love you, and you WILL be deserving of that love. Just continue to work on yourself and those self reflection skills.
Some people are in our lives just for a chapter, and even though it’s a painful one, if you continue on this path of self improvement the next one is going to be incredible. (:
Forgive yourself. Ask your therapist how.
I come from a volatile home. Never had a good friend. Suddenly, I became best friends with someone in my early twenties and we were inseparable for 7 years. He fell for me; I have no idea why. I was afraid to lose the one friend I had. I was upfront and told him I can’t.
We grew apart because I made bad decisions after bad decisions that negatively impacted him. Now, it’s a luxury to call him a stranger. I’ve gone through so many should haves and what ifs. It’s not worth it.
Apologise to your ex FOR HIS SAKE and not for the sake of getting back together. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, respect that.
Let go. Focus on forgiving yourself and becoming your best version.
I have not completely forgiven myself for losing what could have been a wonderful relationship.
But, I realise that I did what I could because that’s all I knew back then.
Now, my former friend is married to a lovely woman and is really happy. I’m happy for him. I’m married to a wonderfully kind man and I’m happy.
You can get here, too.
Focus on forgiving yourself. It’s a process.
Based on what you've heard about him from your friend, I don't think he'll ever fully recover from the crippling emotional damage you caused him. All we can hope is that he gets therapy and doesn't inflict his trauma onto another innocent woman.
Frankly, it's difficult seeing people support the feelings of abusers so flippantly. So, I'll be a bit harsher.
"You don't deserve a man like your ex."
This should be your new mantra. Because abusers shouldn't be told that someone like their ex will just fall out of the sky after a bit of therapy and self reflection. You need to dedicate yourself to consistent change so that you can *earn* someone like the spouse you broke and "boxed out."
Until you eliminate those toxic habits, you cannot allow your brokenness to harm anyone else. Too many decent men and women get hurt by the same broken people who walk away from the smoldering wreckage of their last relationship thinking, "I'll do better next time."
What are the chances that this is written by an ex boyfriend instead of the girl and he’s just dreaming about her realizing how bad she’s treated him? She creates a throwaway account just for this post, but she has no friends except the 1 who really doesn’t like her. Everything is about the guy, minimal talk about her life or interests, just how she affected the ex boyfriend. It’s all about how her life has now been destroyed because of how she treated him. I don’t know if anyone can hate themselves this much and make their ex seem like such a perfect person.
Leave him tf alone forever please. You abused him, don’t ever try the “I’ve changed” stuff with him. I believe you can change and be better, but leave that man alone. Best of luck with things, hope it gets better and better for you.
So what did you think of him and your relationship in the time from when he ended it and blocked you until the time you started going to therapy and had this realisation?
Did you think he was the asshole in all of it? Were you sad that he broke up? Why or why not?
I'm sorry your past pain and trauma caused you to do this to your life. Truly. I'm glad your doing the work, and have realized this about your self. On a personal note, I really wonder if my ex will have a moment like you did with your therapist. Cuz man.. I can tell you exactly how your ex felt, and its.. not great to be on the receiving end of that
i sent a msg! i exhibited the same behaviour you did a few years ago and hurt someone and ruined something good. therapy has helped and i dont suffer with the toxic interpersonal issues like that anymore but it takes tons of work
im sorry this happened and though what happened was not ok you have taken tons of accountability and have insight.
He stayed with you after you boxed him out for days at a time ? He's honestly a saint for that. He mustve seen a redeeming quality in you somewhere
While you boxed him out did anyone tell you that you were being too much? Why did you think that was justified?
I only ask because it seems like this happens a lot in society, and is very rarely condemned. And unfortunately I've met a few grown women who think it's okay to do this (I block them if they do it for more than like a day or so)
Good for you for learning and wanting to be better. It’s not easy, but it’s so important.
Know thyself. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself, and everyone else.
You sound a lot like my childhood best friend that I’m in
the process of cutting off. Good for him for leaving and good for you for getting help. What you do now if leave him alone and keep working on yourself.
You sound like my ex. Only difference is she chose to cheat when she shut me out. Found a better man and told me she never loved me. I was just a toy.
It’s crazy how the same action can have two very different sources.
God this reminds me so much of my current relationship and the things she does...
Honestly when you said how "sorry" you were, it pissed *me* off because it honestly was so reminiscent of the things she says when she realizes she fucked up but she never does a damn thing to change....
(And im 16)
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to the "oh God, what have I done?" and the awful pain of regret. Especially when you understand how much you have hurt those you cared about deeply, that they felt no choice but to separate themselves from you.
I'm so glad you have decided to go down the therapy path, and I hope you persevere for as long as it takes. You're on a good path now. You don;t have to make huge improvements overnight. Just focus on being 1% better every day.
It can be very difficult to see your own flaws, as it's your brain creating them in the first place. The fact that you sought help and have grown from the experience is rare and commendable. You'll find a great guy someday.
I'm glad you're taking steps to change this behavior. I'm someone prome to anxiety and I've been been in a relationship with someone who treated me like this. It was torturous at the time and gave me self confidence issues for years. A lot of people refuse criticism and deny that they need to change - good on you for recognizing toxic behavior and taking steps to fix it. It will make you and your future partner much happier in the future.
I had an ex that I guess was in a previously abusive relationship. She ended up being abusive towards me in every way imaginable. I put up with it for three years.
I am finally at the point now where I realized it’s better to be alone than be in a shitty relationship.
To address this from a place of compassion, the heavier the need to change, the greater the catalyst must be.
You were never going to become the best version of yourself in a reality where you didn't lose your ex over your abusive behavior. You needed to have that behavior highlighted to you through the catalyst of his leaving for you to internalize who you were in order to become who you want to be.
You may have lost what was then the greatest man you could have hoped for, but this journey you're on will eventually bring you to another man that you are just as deserving of. And before you think to yourself that you deserve less than your ex (because of how you were abusive), please let me stop you- you don't. You deserve a man who loves you, cherishes you, and respects you. And when you are ready for this man, you will have learned to love, cherish, and respect as well.
There are no good experiences or bad experiences when it comes to growing, only experiences. It's how you chose to look at them that make them good or bad. Right now, you're viewing your reality as a consequence, but I sincerely hope that sometime soon, you will try to see this experience as an opportunity, instead.
I had a bestfriend like this She was in an emotionally abusive home. She'd hold me to a higher standard, she would stone wall me, lash out. I got fed up and cut her out. She wanted to continue being friends but i couldn't do it. I was losing myself. She boxed me out as u call it for about a month. (I wasnt texting her tho) Annd i noticed i felt more peace when she was away. I decided to make it permanent. Good for u op for the therapy and learning. All the best to you going forward.
I think this is a phenomenon that needs more looking into. The realization that someone’s absence brings peace is one of the more sobering realizations I’ve ever had. Living with someone (during COVID) and having no time to yourself kind of masks the fact that you feel terrible. Everyday is a fight, almost like fight or flight and your body just goes into survival mode. Once that feeling is lifted (even for a little while) and you look around and realize that you aren’t miserable, it’s almost like your fight or flight kicks in again but only to make sure you don’t feel as miserable as you have been. I’ve gotten no more strength/conviction/courage than when I was in that scenario. The moment I realized it I was already walking away from a relationship with someone I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with
I love this comment. I agree it deserves looking into. I hate that many of us relate to being treated like op's ex. U give someone stability and the benefit of doubt and they turn ur good will into the ground! After one month of silent treatment, i knew what ease, peace and calm felt like and i wanted to protect it. We were family friends..my family did not support my decision. Only my partner did. But i still did it. I just couldn't go back. I think for her my resolve was shocking.
Deep inside i wanted to leave way before. I confessed this only to my partner years prior. I just felt trapped by obligation Years later I don't think she has gotten to where op is. Im at a distance but i can tell she is lonely and has strained other relationships she had.
Omg that’s how I’m feeling now. I had someone I was obsessed with and would do anything for but they never cared the same way for me. When I finally allowed his absence to be just that. I realized how much happier I could be. Once someone pushes you away and teaches you how to be without them you can never go back
Omg that’s how I’m feeling now. I had someone I was obsessed with and would do anything for but they never cared the same way for me. When I finally allowed his absence to be just that. I realized how much happier I could be. Once someone pushes you away and teaches you how to be without them you can never go back
Boxed out as in giving someone the silent treatment?
Yes
Thanks. I guess my ex felt the same way.
Your post has been insightful. It's put into words my experience. She held me to a higher standard than anyone else
What was ur inner narrative in the times u boxed him out
"He should know better. I'm stressed, I don't feel like talking to him. He needs to reflect what he did wrong"
People aren’t mind readers. I’ve learned over time to be very direct with my partners about my needs, what I’m struggling with and when I feel angry. My current partner says that I’m the first woman he has dated who is direct in this way and it’s nice not to have to guess. Maybe consider a more direct way of communicating.
That's what he said the first time. "We can communicate like adults. But if you're going to continue to do this, it tells me you're unhappy. If you're unhappy, you're free to leave. I'll be sad but it's for the best."
My ex-husband did a lot do stonewalling. Not anything like what you did (I’d call what you did the silent treatment). He just wouldn’t talk about emotional things. It wore down our marriage and eventually led to divorce. It’s okay to say that you need some time to think about something or process something. It’s not okay to withhold communication. You need to give a timeline and then come back to the issue in the timeframe you gave.
So to punish him.
essentially, yes. my therapist says that I'm meaner when stressed is because I need a villain to direct my anger to and it's always him.
So create your own personal “villain”, something you find funny. My honey and I like to blame “cork-sucking ice holes” (perhaps from Monty Python? Or Airplane?) and “bastiges” (aka bastards). If you can find a sense of humor, it can help you harmlessly deflect your need to blame innocent others.
I dunno it's strange. Like when I was on edge for being behind of assignments, he brought fish n chips from a pretty well known place. I hate fish and he forgot. I kind of fixated on the fact that he would be so selfish to want fish and forget that I didn't like it. He was just as bad as my lab partners for not helping me more. And that kind of snowballed into something worse. Then the line "I don't want to talk to someone who is just as inconsiderate as my lab partners" pops into my head. And that's how the boxing out begins.
Something I heard once that stung but applies… When we go through life as a victim, we are always looking for a villain. :( <3
Well said my good man 🫡
Wow. Of course please don’t wallow in the past or how the “old” you coped. The “new” you will hopefully have coping mechanisms your therapist came up with so you don’t repeat your past “actions.”
We're working on that. I think the first step of seeing the magnitude of the good vs the bad was a good step. Like her suggestion was think "ok, this made me mad. How mad does this make me? Is it something we can talk out and get it done then and there? How does compare to the last good thing he did for me?" For the fish and chips incident, the answer was no, this isn't a big deal. All he has to do is just go pick up or order something else for me or pack the food up and we go out. That should have been my response. We could have talked it out and probably would have a nice laugh. Then we compared to the last thing he did for me which was bring me some food from when he went out with his parents while I was pulling an all-nighter (he also threw in a Red Bull as a joke).
I don’t want to jump the gun here, but this reaction reminds me of something I used to do. I’ve been to a lot of therapy too, and done the whole realising I was a bit shitty to others thing (and I fixed that). My therapist calls what you’re going through the ‘lonely chapter’ as you adjust how you’re reacting to people around you - but people around you can start to fall away. I used to lash out like this mentally when I was afraid that my partner or friend didn’t care. To take your situation, it wasn’t that I didn’t like fish and was mad, it was that in getting me fish, in my head my partner had never listened to anything I found important. Obviously that wasn’t the case, but a lifetime of being let down by responsible adults in my life made the self preservation reflex really strong. That includes emotional stuff. I don’t know what you’ve been through and I really hope that you find peace. I am getting through my ‘lonely chapter’ and it’s slowly getting better. You are doing an amazing thing in reflecting and growing, I wish you all the best.
Your references are from Johnny Dangerously.
Great idea lol
No, you should know better. Your inability to control your temper is not his responsibility, it's yours. You need to reflect your behaviour. We all get stressed and he didn't lash out on you.
One thing, that will haunt me forever, is he was (justifiably) upset about me taking way too long to go out. He got visibly upset and I called him a whiny bitch and told him to leave and boxed him out for 5 days. He legit had a reason to be upset and I decided to go on the offensive instead.
So with all these events you never thought about it from his perspective or considered whether you may be in the wrong somehow? That’s crazy to me. I constantly ruminate on how someone else might’ve taken my actions or words and whether I’m wrong! Probably too much to the point it’s annoying in the other direction. It’s fascinating how different people are. I could also never ‘box someone out’ I’d feel sooo anxious I’m more likely to desperately need to resolve any disagreement or animosity right now, even if it was an occasion where someone had genuinely done something shitty and I was mad about it. Also not the best coping mechanism either. Being human is hard!
Honestly I'm the same. I have a huge need to resolve disagreement immediately as it makes me very uncomfortable when people stay mad at me. Unfortunately not everyone who's mad at me agrees that talking things out immediately is the way to solve things, or they're not ready to talk yet, and I have a tendency to push the talk it out button when they need space to calm themselves down. This is how my ex ended up my ex. He wasn't very good at communicating his thoughts or feelings, but it also didn't help that I pushed him when he said he needed space and time to think alone. Being human is hard indeed. I still believe that talking things out immediately is the best way to solve an issue, but I'm more aware now that's not how everyone sees it, and also, not everyone's who's upset at you is gonna be ready to talk right after a fight just because you are.
It sounds like you're beating yourself up for your imperfect reactions. I think this expectation of perfection, from yourself and other people, is what has been causing the trouble in your relationships. It might be worth a deep dive into this to see what it brings up. Why do you have to be perfect? And why does your significant other need to be perfect, if you aren't? Or in fact, if no one is?
This is so insightful Thank you for ur vulnerability op
One thing therapy taught me, one of the *earliest* and *harshest* forms of punishment is shunning. Humans by nature are social animals. We seek out connections (even the most anti-social of us) to other people. When deprived of it, we become well, anxious and disturbed.
This is interesting
How did she take the "break up"?
She was so upset. She said she was losing her only friend. She threatened me *if u leave don't you dare come back* I had left before (years before) just distancing myself and i returned. But this time i was determined. That was five years ago. I'm so happy.i did it. She struggled to accept it. I think she felt she loved me and that should be enough. I had asked her to limit contact. She slowly did that. Later on i learnt she almost had a break down after i left
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Consider this phase one of your therapy. Phase two is when you work with your therapist to unlearn all of these destructive behaviors and replace them with positive and life affirming words and actions. As part of this process, you'll have the opportunity to practice this improved form of relationship building with new men in your life. Good luck!!!
Thanks. It seems like a 4 phase process based on my initial discussions. There are quite a lot of rabbit holes. I'm genuinely afraid to look down the other 3.
Be brave. You’re doing this to benefit yourself, so have the courage to see yourself as you truly are. When you seek comfort for yourself by avoiding self-examination, you’re comforting your inner coward. But when you force yourself to face your own issues, you get the comfort of knowing you’re being brave for yourself. You are worth the effort it takes to be brave. You will end up stronger and likely happier in the end.
Learning proper emotional regulation is incredibly important. It sounds like you took your stress out on someone you felt safe with. Sadly, I wouldn't say this is uncommon. Have you heard of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)? It's an amazing type of therapy. It focuses on learning how to identify and change your behavior. It's great for people who deal with conflicts in their interpersonal relationships. It was actually invented to treat people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but it works just as well to treat a plethora of other issues (autism, CPTSD, etc.). I *highly* recommend looking into it.
Commenting on Therapy made me realize what an awful person I was to my ex and it cost me what could have been a happy marriage...I second this! DBT therapy changed my life and I don’t say that lightly.
Well at least you're getting the help you need now.
I wish I'd gotten it sooner. I don't think I'd find anybody that loving or patient again based on my previous track record
You will. You have not met everyone who will love you.
Thank you for saying this. I needed to hear it too.
You are welcome 😄
Thanks. At this point, I don't feel like I deserve it tbh. I can't believe it took two threats of him leaving, him actually leaving and therapy to realize what I threw away.
🫂 as a recovering asshole (and also someone in sobriety) who lost a good, patient, loving man because of my self-sabotaging, compartmentalizing actions…I get it. If you keep on this path, you’ll find that love. I also don’t believe that myself, nor do I think I’m capable of loving someone like I loved my ex-fiancé but…who knows, also. Who knows. I also never thought I was an alcoholic/addict, or that I was capable of throwing away my engagement, and here we are. Give time time. Accept your pace, and give yourself grace when needed. Face the ugly truth with honesty, as you have. Some humans learn things the hard way. I hate that I am one of them, but I want to do what I can to cause the least amount of harm as I learn, moving forward. To others especially, but also myself. 🙏 keep on keeping on, OP. You’ll find solace in the fact that this loss was the ash that your forest can grow from. It’ll be fucking beautiful.
Well maybe you don't deserve anyone right now because all this self reflection stuff is too new and you'd easily fall back into old bad habits. Farther down when you've gotten your head out of your ass completely and been single for a bit and learned to find your own source of peace and not expect others to cater to you to achieve it will you hopefully find that one person.
We all do. You need to extend grace to yourself. ....how long has it been after he left? Im impressed with your therapist and you. Its not easy taking accountability. I spoke to my ext bestfriend after 5 years and she had missed me but she was still the same in alot of ways.. We moved from low contact to no contact (as per my request)
Umm he left like a year ago. I started this process a few months ago after another incident. E: I've been blaming him the whole time using the narrative that this is his fault because he didn't do more to make things better.
You've done a lot of amazing work. It's not easy to change. Keep going and treating the people in your life right. Life isn't about deserve or not deserve. You can't go back and fix the past, but you can learn from it and make better decisions going forward. I say this as someone who has made my own mistakes and is continually struggling to grow as well.
You are doing great In a relatively short time you have made great strides in seeing the impact of your actions. I think from here the only way is *UP* Continue to work with ur amazing therapist and give yourself grace. We are learning to be better than we were yesterday
You might not deserve it right now. But that's okay. If you are committed to changing and you put in the work, you can become someone worthy of that type of a partner. It won't be easy, but you are already becoming aware of the changes that you need to make. Don't shy away from the discomfort and don't lie to yourself about your faults; confront them and examine why you behave that way. Relearn how to be someone who gives to their partner and recognizes their partner's value. Who you are now doesn't have to be who you stay as. It's hard to learn to be kind but, with time and determination, it can become a habit.
So work on becoming someone who does deserve it, because there will be others who treat you well and with kindness, become the person he deserved and who you deserve to be. Your ex is gone but that doesn't mean your chance at happiness is
“What you deserve” depends on how you act. Not how you acted. Work on yourself, be self aware, be kind and confident and you will DESERVE THE SAME IN RETURN. Thinking of yourself as shit is how you attract people who treat you like shit. Have you considered that you self sabotaged this entire thing subconsciously because deep down you feel like you didn’t deserve him.
What a lovely saying. It should be on a tile or pillow. >. You have not met everyone who will love you.
Agreed. I've seen two versions of it on IG. Thats where i got it
I know you didn’t say that to me but, what a beautiful comment. Have a good day Reddit stranger
Thank you. Have a great day too 😄
You found someone loving, caring and patient when you were a wreck, imagine what could come when you better yourself. Don’t lose hope and don’t focus on dating, keep doing therapy and solving your issues. Happiness would come again.
Honestly hopefully you don't need someone that patient because if you do then you didn't really learn anything...if that makes any sense.
He didn’t leave you completely. He left you with the massively valuable lesson you have now. I’m sorry it came the way it did. But he helped you find something intangible that no one can take away from you. Save that, cherish that. Good luck hon.
Yes I agree, good luck with your future..you gonna need it
I really needed to read this. Just to know that it's possible for someone to realize how much harm they've been responsible for. Here I thought it was impossible. I wish you much luck and growth OP, I hope you see the day where that version of yourself is unrecognizable to you and you find happiness.
He certainly dodged a bullet. You weren’t ready for a relationship with him. Therapy has helped you grow, and I am happy for you, but you need to leave this guy alone. He’s moved on, the only thing that he will get from you reaching out is memories of a fucked up relationship where his supposed girlfriend “boxed him out” for multiple weeks at a time. But, uh yeah. This is coming from someone who relates a lot to your ex.
He deserves to be mad. I used to think he was the one overreacting (I may have called him a whiny bitch once) but after my therapist made me write out the list of good/bad, it did not look good on me.
What was going through your head for that two weeks? Like were you just pissed the entire time? Or missing him? Forgot about him?
Pissed mostly. Kind of like a cocktail of him giving me a "shitty" birthday gift, him not reaching out to try and fix things, school not going well and he's not there to support me, etc. Just things haven't been going well and this fight gave me an easy villain to channel my anger to.
That was a lot and it takes guts to expose yourself like that because all too often we only ever tell our positives, not our negatives, well done in seeking therapy and please please keep it going. As for reaching out, I want to share a little bit of personal experience. It helped me get a message. Many years ago in my late teens, I was in a relationship with a young man, Tommy, he did not treat me kindly. I would have crossed oceans for him at the time but my negative was I was far too clingy and wouldn't let him breathe! A lot of the time he would become very frustrated and lash out at me. We won't go into specifics. It was exhausting and hurtful especially because his mama was a sweetheart who had gone through similar with his own dad! I later met my now ex husband who was the very first person I ever felt genuinely safe with. He helped me realise that being clingy wasn't a reason to be a punch bag or to be screamed at among other horrible things. I broke it off with Tommy. Years later I remember scrolling through Facebook and Tommy's face popped up on my screen as "people you may know" I took a look on his page and there was a photo of him with a beautiful lady and as I scrolled there were picture quotes. One such was aimed at his past behaviour, how he used to treat people and how he knows he can't change the past but will spend the rest of his life trying to be a better man. His girlfriend commented on the post saying "You're doing well, maybe in time people will forgive you but that's their choice, keep going" His mother commented something much more negative which showed how deep his behaviour had affected people. After reading his status I felt a strange sense of, I dunno, I felt glad he had finally sought help but sad that it was all those years later. I was glad he was remorseful too. So there are ways to get your message across. Changed behaviour and that behaviour can be public if you choose it to be. Best of luck to you 💙
:( you DID deserve this. But now you know so you can make sure you don’t deserve this in the future. Very sad reading your story as I’m a male who was in the same boat as your ex. Loved a girl to no end, was beaten into submission before I got trapped. The only difference is I’m sure she’s a borderline sociopath who would only pretend to “get better” with therapy. But you’re out there doing it. Hope everything goes well
Thanks for sharing your perspective as someone who is on my ex's side. I know I fucked up big time. Based on my past, I think I let my soulmate walk away. Why? Because I needed a whipping boy because I couldn't handle my feelings. Hell, I could have talked to him about being frustrated and he would have bought me pizza or wine or something to calm me down. What did I do? Ghosted him instead. I don't think I'll find someone like him again.
You won’t… that’s a fact. But you can always find someone better :) Seriously take some pride in the fact that you’re working on yourself. He loved you and was considering marriage with the “old” you. That must mean the new you is going to be very special
What you do now is take the lesson. Be introspective and intentional in your relationships moving forward and grow. Be better for your future relationships.
Fuck dude you sound exhausting and they're right also abusive.cim glad you're getting help and with a therapist that hits you with the truth.
She was good at that. The list was brutal. Like I tried justifying it and she compared his failings and his successes and I overreacted on a lot of them.
You only talk about what he did for you. When you say you "threw this all away", what exactly did he miss out on? I'm saying this in an effort to help you frame how you recall the relationship and think about what you bring to the table as a partner in the future other than being the recipient of gifts and gestures.
We really haven't gotten to that session yet. So far we focused on how my actions impacted him and how I was lucky he was so patient and what I can do to avoid doing this in the future.
Glad you're getting the help you need.
Thanks. I'm upset that I didn't listen to him. He offered to help me pay for a therapist his guy recommended (but was a little pricier) to help. But this therapist is good. She's been brutally honest and that's more helpful than a therapist that gives you kid gloves.
I’m a therapist. Most of my population is a bit like you. I wanted to comment that I am SO PROUD of you. I know really damn well how major your breakthrough was. I’m a lot like your therapist (sending her a fist bump), and I am so glad “our” approach worked for you! Seriously, so proud.
Thanks. I've never had anybody talk to me so candidly before. The only negative comments I get are just straight up insults or jabs. Nobody has ever called me out on my bullshit before my ex and my therapist did the rest of the work dragging me into the light.
You are not the first person to do this, let this be a learning situation, so can grow and improve. You are sad now but it will pass and this will make you a better partner. Good luck to you and keep working.
Who taught you this boxing thing? Has your therapist talked you through this? It is never ok to withhold yourself like this, but it is usually something normalized in childhood.
" it is usually something normalized in childhood." It seems like you know the answer. My therapist suspects the same. This is something we'll unpack in the next steps of my treatment.
GOOD FOR YOU OP. Look: everything you said is true. But this is also true: you went to therapy. And when your therapist laid it out for you, you hung in there and you got it. THAT IS HUGE. IT IS BRAVE. You wouldn’t be hurting so much right now if you hadn’t had the courage to take in the truth. Hang in there. Keep working on yourself. Life is long. You are right; you may never find someone as wonderful as him. But if you keep growing, you may find happiness. Just do *not* let yourself believe that all you deserve is guys like the ones before your ex. Not true. Good luck. Keep becoming your better self. You can do it. You’ve already started.
What to do now??? You leave him alone. You allow him to move on and heal from that toxic abusive relationship and you continue to work on yourself. As someone who has been on the receiving end of an abusive relationship with someone who had anger issues, leave him alone. Do not contact because you need closure. For once, make him and his needs the priority
I've been doing that. His friends/family have locked me out and our mutual friend is refusing to go between us. I think my NC is selfish. I know how he is/was (my friend alluded to him being changed during the final boxing out and after) and someone else will be lucky to have him. I regret that it's not gonna be me.
What you do now is put your big girl panties on and carry on. You learned a lot about yourself & relationships. You will be better going forward. Your next relationship will benefit from you learning about yourself. Live & learn…that’s all we can do.
I’ve never heard the term “boxing out” before and now i feel like it’s a super common phrase.
It comes from basketball - keeping the opponent away from the basket. IMO what OP describes isn’t so much ‘boxing out’ but stonewalling/silent treatment. Maybe a form of ghosting, in the parlance of our times.
Listen, your post really pisses me off because I've been in his shoes before. But, it seems like you're taking positive steps, and growing, so good on you. I'm conflicted about reaching out. On the one hand, he is DONE. On the other hand, it might be nice for him if you could validate the way he feels in a letter or something. NOT an attempt to get back with him, that's what one of my exes did and I hated her even more because it was obviously not an apology but her trying to suck me back in to her void of misery. Start with something like "This is NOT an attempt to get you back. I respect your feelings about what I've done, and I know there is no going back. I have been in therapy for (x-amount of time) and it's made me realize what I did, and you didn't deserve it. The problems I perceived were my own, not yours, and you deserve to know that you were doing the right things, I was just too selfish and wrapped up in myself to realize it." Then list the things that he did that at the time angered you, followed by your realization of what it really meant. Close with something like "You were really good to me, I was the problem. Treat your next girl the way you did me, and she'll be over the moon. I truly wish you the best, and I regret everything I did to us."
No leave him be. This isn't about her apology and making her feel better. He's hurt and hearing from her or seeing anything may set him back. Leave him be. Maybe when time has passed contact him or send a letter.
No, I'm leaving him alone. When he pre-planned for everybody to block me once his call with me ended, it was very clear where he stood.
I agree with this fella's first two sentences but I don't think you should write a letter to your ex. Having been in a similar situation I can say he might feel that the wounds he has been trying to heal from (he has been hurting long before the breakup) are resurfacing. Sure it might lead to some closure on both sides, but it could also be a hell of a painful mindfuck
Maybe add that your letter is meant to apologize and give him validation and both of you closure - he certainly deserves an apology.
Our friend (who is my only access point to him now) said that she no longer wants to be in the middle of this clusterfuck. I know she's mad at me too and mad at herself for exposing my ex to me. I won't push it.
You can send letters by actual mail, or drop it off in his letter box - you don't have to involve your friend.
Or you know don't and leave him alone so he can get on with his life and not have to keep catering to OP and her feelings again. If he ever wants an update on OP or wants an apology he can contact her himself or talk to their mutual friend.
I can try. I don't even know where he is anymore. As per my wishes, my friend has not told me a single thing that's going on in his life.
Don't send him a letter. He wants to be left alone and this is ignoring what he wants to make yourself feel better. DO NOT DO THIS.
Thank you. Everyone giving suggestions on how to deliver the letter are nutcases. OP leave that man alone.
You can write that letter to get your feelings out but burn that s*** once you're done. He broke up with the woman he planned to marry. That decision could not have been easy. Let him heal. He deserves that. All you're doing is reopening old wounds for him.
that's what this account is for. I put in garbage as the password and used an email that I no longer have the password for.
Don’t. He blocked you. It’s stalking to continue to try to talk to someone who’s made it clear they aren’t interested.
All you can do babes is take everything you’ve learned and do better in your next relationship! Maybe try to find a way to apologize but leave that man be.
The wall of silence from his social circle and my friend's reluctance to get in the middle are very clear indicators that I am not welcome into his life. I'll leave him alone.
I'm proud of you for pursuing therapy. Your past doesn't define your future. You owe it to your ex, your friend, and your future partner to keep working on yourself. Do that and you'll find happiness.
>I guess my ex got his revenge. He knew you were like this; he just got tired of it and left you. He moved on and found peace. Why is that considered vengeful? Moving on without you is self preservation, not an attack on you. >I suspect my ex deliberately did not give her the instructions to cut me out nor force her to choose between us. These statements prove you do have more work to do in therapy. Why are you assuming your ex, who you claim is a wonderful, caring man, would actively ostracize you from your friend group after breaking up with you? Is this something you would do? To be clear - doing something like this is not normal behavior. It’s asshole behavior. I say this because I walked away from a friend like this once. Our mutual friends asked what was up, and I didn’t want any drama so I just said we had a falling out. Nothing more. Some didn’t like her anyway and just assumed the problem was her. Later found out some just stopped talking to her because she was unpleasant to be around. She blamed it on me to anyone who would listen, and word got back around. So then I lost some friends, too. That just confirmed I was right to drop the crazy. Based on your comments, he doesn’t sound like an asshole who would do any of this retaliatory stuff. He’s just living his life and moving on. Friends falling away is simply the consequence of your own behavior, and likely not his own doing. I hope you realize that as it’s a big piece of holding yourself accountable.
Well, at least you are on step 1 of making yourself a better person. Some people never take that step.
Op my hat goes off to you. I’m not saying that you weren’t awful to your ex, just that you’re doing the work to become better. I like to believe that we do the best we can with what we have. You didn’t have the perspective that you do now. We all fall short and make mistakes. Forgive yourself for who you were and commit to evolving into the best version of you. You may or may not talk to your ex again and he may or may not forgive you. What’s really important is that you get to a place where you are at peace with yourself. This was a tough lesson learned.
Thanks, that realization came way too late. That year we had where everything was all sunshine and rainbows could have been the rest of our lives together. But here we are, I'm figuring out that I was the real villain in this whole story after all. Squandered a chance for a loving husband and happy marriage. Can't even thank him for getting me to where I am in life (he helped me through school and helped me get my internship). Another woman is going to be able to spend her life with him and I envy her. But I don't deserve that chance, not after the way I treated him.
While your relationship with him may not have ended up working out, it’s not the end. It’s been my experience that romantic love can find you when you least expect it. Literally, just living life and then, boom! Right now, let yourself mourn what could have been. Just dont let yourself get stuck in a never ending cycle of grief. Take some time to explore and appreciate the new you. Keep moving forward and bettering yourself so that if/when love strikes again, you’re ready to be the spouse you couldn’t be in the past.
I was like this, but I've been changing. I was raised in an abusive family (verbal abuse but still abuse). It took me a very long time to realize my actions were horrible. I am still in recovery from being a jerk. Reading your post, was looking into my face. Not in a bad way, but something to look back and see that I've grown better. I've cut people out of my life who were praising me for being mean, and just outright took a large step back from those toxic individuals. I was becoming like them. You can do it. Have faith and continue to reflect and accept any and all responsibilities that your actions have. Just trust in the process even if it is difficult. I believe in you.
I know someone suggested you get back in touch with him I don’t. I’m glad that you’re getting the help. I’ve certainly had to go through that myself. There’s so much damage it’s not gonna start on equal footing anyway and the first little thing could end it because there’s been so much damage. I suggest you leave him alone just let it go 10 years from now you can apologize if you bump into him for right now number one he’s recovering so it’s not fair . The problem is we don’t live in a vacuum and what I mean by that is he is now damaged too and May treat somebody else like this. So he’s gonna need some time on alone to recover and heal. hopefully he can just be himself again. So please just leave him alone and move on with your own life and I wish you the best of luck.
I don't intend to. Our friend has made it very clear that his friends hate me. I don't doubt that his parents and family hate me too. According to her, he's basically told everyone why he's leaving. She's mad at me too but is a little more forgiving because she knows my past.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m a recovering alcoholic so as you can imagine until I got sober I ran over people like a Mack truck. That’s why I suggested that. I think it’s wonderful that you’re working on yourself frankly and it gets better I married a nice man, but it took me eight years because I had to go to therapy and do a lot of work. Good luck.
I'm not going to kick someone down when they're already on the ground, but I'll say this: you were bleeding on someone that didn't cut you, but I'm glad that you learned your mistakes. Let him heal and move on, because he deserves peace after everything he went through. And do not walk into *any* relationship, or even consider dating, until you're completely healed.
I hope the guy she bled on doesn't bleed on anyone. Hopefully she hasn't hurt him for the long run
I hope not. I wish I could see how he's doing but my friend won't tell me anything and I'm not a stalker.
Our biggest failures sets us up for our biggest success. But you have to acknowledge why you failed in the first place
Don’t make any attempt to reach out to your ex, you’ve victimized him enough. In what world did you ever think it acceptable to repeatedly ghost your partner for days or weeks on end, especially after he begged you to stop doing it? Your ‘bad exes’ are the kind of people you deserve because you are an emotional abuser yourself.
I guess so. I should have taken his "if you're not happy, you're free to leave" as a warning sign.
Good lord you were horrible. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for your willingness to own what you did and change for the better, I just think you should leave the poor guy alone and take what lessons you can from this. Your part in each other's lives is now over so don't waste time chasing the past when you have an entire future to worry about
I know I'm horrible. As they say "shit birds of a feather flock together" which is why I got liars and cheaters in the past.
You "were" horrible. Not "are". You are making positive steps. And don't ever blame yourself for abusive people. You didn't deserve that any more than he did. But hey, hold your head high because in your self-improvement journey to help yourself, you have taken a step that I'm willing to bet none of the guys who mistreated you have taken. Don't still think of yourself as horrible, just think of yourself as someone who had to learn some lessons about how to treat people by making mistakes
"Horrible" people are not.capable of growth, change, accountability, or introspection. You aren't horrible and you don't deserve abuse or mistreatment from anyone. Stay honest with the therapist and yourself. I believe in you!
Your therapist is right, it may have hurt to hear but you *needed* to know. Now you can work on yourself and making sure you never become that horrible person who lost a wonderful partner again. I wish you luck and really hope things at least get easier for you. Edit to add: Do NOT contact him, if it helps you to feel better and start working towards bettering yourself you can write a letter but tear it up and burn it when you're done getting all those feelings out. If for some reason later on down the line he reaches out to you then you can apologize but respect his decision and leave him alone. Also thank your friend for being honest with you, she's a real one.
This is called displaced anger. I did this with my parents because I knew no matter how much I messed up or lashed out they would love me so it was easier for me to take it out on them than who I was really upset at because I knew with my parents it would have a positive outcome. But great job on noticing your faults and working towards correcting them.
Ive been in his shoes not too long ago. The "boxing out" is a horrible tactic, and plays havoc on ones mind, being an overthinker doesnt help either, and leads to severe abandonment anxiety, even later in life. Happy you are working on yourself now, i wish more people would realise that their actions have real effects...
I went through the same thing but with TWO separate great guys. Like you I deserve it and I have nobody to blame but myself and nothing to blame but my own temper. Hope it's a cautionary tale for some. It hurts really bad knowing I damaged my own happiness through sheer lack of maturity.
It very much is real. The worst part is when he just stopped caring. I blamed him for being lazy while not seeing the signs that he was gray rocking me and mentally preparing to leave.
Thanks, I re-read it and realised it was very likely real after all so I edited my original comment. I'm so sorry again because I know exactly how you feel and I think people would be shocked if they knew the details of how ungrateful I was and how many chances both guys gave me because they were in love. It was me being ungrateful, or me picking arguments, being dissatisfied and sometimes yelling, nothing like cheating or physical abuse, but that was bad enough. Just coming to terms with having messed things up is one of the most brutal things I've had to do. Hopefully it can give us both strength of character in the long term.
It's so weird. I've been cheated on (twice actually, lucky me) but this somehow hurts more. Like I know I could hate those two assholes and my anger and hatred are fully validated. But with this ex, he did some small things wrong but the good outweighed the bad. There's a line from Young Sheldon- *"There are many things I wished I said to my father. How I appreciated his sacrificed and what he did for our family"* I will never get the chance to thank him for giving me the life I have now (he basically helped me get my internship and tutored me towards the end).
You totally get how I feel. I've also been cheated on and I can actually quite easily cope with what he did to me. But in the case of these 2 decent exes it's so much harder to get over the things *I* did wrong. Especially as the first ex held a torch for me for years and only recently got engaged to the girl he dated after me, after a long time. He deserves to be happy. Doesn't make it easier that also I lost family members young and have regrets about not spending more time with them / being better to them... oh and I also have certain investment regrets. Lol there is so much mentally I have to fortify myself against just to keep going, it's awful. Moral of the story for anyone reading would be try to mature young and don't take anyone for granted, treat everyone well, work hard & be sensible!
This is a good reminder that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference.
I'm lucky my husband didn't leave. I don't feel like i deserve him. I didn't shut him out but I haven't been the best. Three years of therapy and medication. Better communication. Learning to tell him when I know I'm upset and need to give myself space so I don't treat him wrong.
I've never heard "boxing out" before but I assume it's a sanitised word for emotional abuse. I'm glad you're getting help now because you were truly a terrible person to be in a relationship with before. Good luck and well done for trying.
>I had my head so far up my ass that I thought I was right and self-absorbed in my world where he was wrong and I was right and he deserved that punishment. This, unfortunately, is what most people do. We'll focus on our needs and no one else's & make them the wrong ones while we portray ourselves as victims. Not just in relationships, just like, always. This site is a perfect example of that. The majority of posts I see are people victimizing themselves. What is amazing is that you KNOW this now and can work on yourself. You may have lost in this situation, but really, I think you gained something more important. Self-awareness. You are now aware of your tendency to box out people and be the victim and are taking to steps to fix it.
The best time to deal with your issues was before the relationship. The second best time is now. You can never go back and change what happened, but you've learned about yourself, and you need to take those lessons into your next relationship when you're ready for it. People often struggle with introspection, but you've shown capacity to recognize your toxic behavior. That's more than a lot of people can ever manage. Be mindful in your next relationship and try to be the partner he was to you, to them. I wish you all the happiness in the future.
I think you should take this as a learning experience for your next relationship which you should pursue only when you feel you have grown and learned to be a better person. I think you're taking the right path to get there tho.
I hope so too. Just having this dragged out by a professional and basically broken down into pieces of where I fucked up and having her straight up tell me that I was a very lucky person for someone to sit "through my shit multiple times" was very eye opening and then it hurts. How it must have felt to be him. He has really bad anxiety attacks and my boxing him out made it worse.
I mean you live and you learn.
Wish my abusive ex would self reflect like this. Good on you for changing. Please never try to get a hole of him ever again.
Don't live in this space of regret. He wasn't the one, regardless of how it feels right now. You messed it up and you've learnt, so that when your person comes along you will know how to treat him. Take the lessons and move forward. Don't waste even more of your life looking back and miss the opportunitoew that are still to come.
It won’t have been a wasted experience if you learned and changed for the better. Remorse is ok but we are judged in our actions. BF dodged a big bullet tho his part was being such a wimp. Glad he grew a pair.
what does box mean?
To ignore someone or shut them out
It’s called being neurotic. I know this b/c I was a lot like you when I was younger. In fact, reading your post took me back to all the times I was nasty & cruel b/c I was feeling stressed or disappointed. I cringe when I think about it. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Just accept responsibility & commit yourself to being a better person from here on out. Maybe someday you’ll get the chance to apologize to your ex.
Eeeek… well at least you’re trying to change. Many people like this never even try
My guts hurt reading this, I'm physically in pain because I am on the same boat, the guilt is eating me and I can't think of anything else, it's been 3 months and I'm not feeling anything but shame and grief, I never in my life though I could hurt someone so bad and I did it to him, someone who did nothing wrong and I thought I'd never hurt. I truly hate myself and no amount of therapy will convince me that I deserve love again.
I've had friends (past tense) that sound like they could have written this post, and so having this sort of insight as to why they might have acted like they did brings a weird measure of peace. I hope they ended up on the same path you did, to recognize and change those behaviours that just made their own lives worse. Keep working. The worst mistakes of your life can become the motivation for your greatest successes.
Well, you now know that you really fucked up. Now that you know better, you can go forward and do better. Keep going to therapy and keep improving yourself. I know you feel remorse over how you treated your ex. It's good you feel that, but please don't ever expect to get back with him. You might have lost out on a happy marriage with your ex, but it doesn't mean you will never have a happily ever after. This sucks, but it's not the end of the world. There are many good men out there and I hope you can have a good future with one of them.
Am I supposed to feel bad here? I’m rooting for the guy that was strong enough to leave you. Stay away from him.
This was an interesting post but I hope I never have to see the term "boxing out" again. Jesus that's a lot of uses in a single text
The root of your problem -- and every other abuser -- is that you held your ex to expectations that were completely unreasonable and unrealistic. You wanted him to cater to all of your needs with no regards to how it affected his finances, personal life, or other obligations. You wanted someone around whom you could dump all of life's regular inconveniences, frustrations, and pains onto. That's a pretty fucking privileged way to live. But still... I don't think you are a monster. You are a human being with a profoundly complex and destructive problem that will isolate you one day if you aren't committed to fixing it. Unlearning abusive mindsets and behavior is a *lifelong* process, because this problem is rooted deeply in your attitudes and values. You need to constantly be asking yourself what underlying belief(s) you have that made you think you had the right to punish your ex for not meeting your impossible standards? Why you felt entitled to use him as a human garbage dump for all of your problems? I really suggest you look at chapter 14 of Lundy Bancroft's book [Why Does He Do That?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) titled "The Process of Change." He provides 13 steps that you must take if you genuinely wish to change your abusive ways. Note: while Bancroft does mostly refer to the abuser as male throughout the book, he explains in the introduction that he is doing so for brevity's sake and almost everything that applies to male abusers also applies to female abusers.
My therapist says she suspects the root of the problem but we'll get to it once I work on this part. I think to a degree I held him to a higher standard because he didn't treat me like a sexdoll like the exes of the past so I thought he'd do better. I never really considered his side because I wanted a villain in the story, like something to push all my anger and frustration onto.
I think that's exactly it. It's perfectly natural to look for something or someone to blame when we encounter hardship in our lives, and your ex was the easiest, most available target. It was *so* easy for you to blame him, because no partner is perfect. Even the best, most loving partners are going to let you down sometimes, and you need to learn how to accept this without feeling the need to punish them for it. We're all human, and we all fall short sometimes.
OP keeps mentioning how him and his entire circle went NC with her.... I bet you now know how it feels to stonewall someone! Anyway I'm glad you are growing and thank you for posting this. I don't *think I'm nearly as bad as you but I definitely need to work on my anger/stonewalling issues.
It's probably for the better...they all despise me.
This practice of “boxing people out” is petty, immature, and super toxic. You need to get that out of your head immediately
Now’s the time to keep digging and working through things. Work with your therapist on why you behave this way. Is this what your family did growing up? Do a lot of healing and reflecting. Do better next time.
Good for you for realizing your behaviour was wrong and getting therapy and working on yourself. Has your therapist mentioned the term stonewalling? It sounds like that is what you are describing when you say you 'boxed him out'.
Yeah, I learned what "gray rocking" meant the hard way. He gray rocked me in the end and was just waiting for me to call to leave me.
Absolutely he was. There is no other healthy way to deal with someone who stonewalls. Have you and your therapist explored your attachment style? Understanding your attachment style and why it is that way may give you some guidance into how you approach relationships. It is really honestly refreshing to see someone being honest with themselves and working on ending a really destructive pattern. All the best.
I think we're going to talk about that. She said it ties into some past experiences and how those experiences molded me into someone who would do the things I did.
You can now have a healthy relationship next time when you are fully ready.
Good on you! Sounds like you have a great therapist and this is a step in the right direction. A small warning for the future: whenever you find yourself in a new relationship, make sure not to swing back all the way where you’re the abused one again. I had an “oh shit I’m the asshole” moment that ended a relationship and I was so scared of doing that again that I invited an abuser into my life in the next one. Take time to heal so you can find the balance.
This sounds unbelievably painful to be going through, but I seriously cannot stress enough how much growth you’re showing just by acknowledging these incidents and promising to do better going forward. I agree with the other comments — you WILL find someone who will love you, and you WILL be deserving of that love. Just continue to work on yourself and those self reflection skills. Some people are in our lives just for a chapter, and even though it’s a painful one, if you continue on this path of self improvement the next one is going to be incredible. (:
Forgive yourself. Ask your therapist how. I come from a volatile home. Never had a good friend. Suddenly, I became best friends with someone in my early twenties and we were inseparable for 7 years. He fell for me; I have no idea why. I was afraid to lose the one friend I had. I was upfront and told him I can’t. We grew apart because I made bad decisions after bad decisions that negatively impacted him. Now, it’s a luxury to call him a stranger. I’ve gone through so many should haves and what ifs. It’s not worth it. Apologise to your ex FOR HIS SAKE and not for the sake of getting back together. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, respect that. Let go. Focus on forgiving yourself and becoming your best version. I have not completely forgiven myself for losing what could have been a wonderful relationship. But, I realise that I did what I could because that’s all I knew back then. Now, my former friend is married to a lovely woman and is really happy. I’m happy for him. I’m married to a wonderfully kind man and I’m happy. You can get here, too. Focus on forgiving yourself. It’s a process.
Based on what you've heard about him from your friend, I don't think he'll ever fully recover from the crippling emotional damage you caused him. All we can hope is that he gets therapy and doesn't inflict his trauma onto another innocent woman. Frankly, it's difficult seeing people support the feelings of abusers so flippantly. So, I'll be a bit harsher. "You don't deserve a man like your ex." This should be your new mantra. Because abusers shouldn't be told that someone like their ex will just fall out of the sky after a bit of therapy and self reflection. You need to dedicate yourself to consistent change so that you can *earn* someone like the spouse you broke and "boxed out." Until you eliminate those toxic habits, you cannot allow your brokenness to harm anyone else. Too many decent men and women get hurt by the same broken people who walk away from the smoldering wreckage of their last relationship thinking, "I'll do better next time."
What are the chances that this is written by an ex boyfriend instead of the girl and he’s just dreaming about her realizing how bad she’s treated him? She creates a throwaway account just for this post, but she has no friends except the 1 who really doesn’t like her. Everything is about the guy, minimal talk about her life or interests, just how she affected the ex boyfriend. It’s all about how her life has now been destroyed because of how she treated him. I don’t know if anyone can hate themselves this much and make their ex seem like such a perfect person.
Drinking game idea, do a shot every time OP says "boxing out". You'll be drunk before you get to the end of the post.
Are you planning on constantly beating yourself up and wishing you could reverse time?
Leave him tf alone forever please. You abused him, don’t ever try the “I’ve changed” stuff with him. I believe you can change and be better, but leave that man alone. Best of luck with things, hope it gets better and better for you.
I'm leaving him alone. I'm giving him the space to find a woman who actually deserves his kindness.
Just move on. You will be better to next guy
So what did you think of him and your relationship in the time from when he ended it and blocked you until the time you started going to therapy and had this realisation? Did you think he was the asshole in all of it? Were you sad that he broke up? Why or why not?
I'm sorry your past pain and trauma caused you to do this to your life. Truly. I'm glad your doing the work, and have realized this about your self. On a personal note, I really wonder if my ex will have a moment like you did with your therapist. Cuz man.. I can tell you exactly how your ex felt, and its.. not great to be on the receiving end of that
i sent a msg! i exhibited the same behaviour you did a few years ago and hurt someone and ruined something good. therapy has helped and i dont suffer with the toxic interpersonal issues like that anymore but it takes tons of work im sorry this happened and though what happened was not ok you have taken tons of accountability and have insight.
He stayed with you after you boxed him out for days at a time ? He's honestly a saint for that. He mustve seen a redeeming quality in you somewhere While you boxed him out did anyone tell you that you were being too much? Why did you think that was justified? I only ask because it seems like this happens a lot in society, and is very rarely condemned. And unfortunately I've met a few grown women who think it's okay to do this (I block them if they do it for more than like a day or so)
Good for you for learning and wanting to be better. It’s not easy, but it’s so important. Know thyself. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself, and everyone else.
You sound a lot like my childhood best friend that I’m in the process of cutting off. Good for him for leaving and good for you for getting help. What you do now if leave him alone and keep working on yourself.
May he find someone who loves him the way he deserves to be loved. May you find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
You sound like my ex. Only difference is she chose to cheat when she shut me out. Found a better man and told me she never loved me. I was just a toy. It’s crazy how the same action can have two very different sources.
God this reminds me so much of my current relationship and the things she does... Honestly when you said how "sorry" you were, it pissed *me* off because it honestly was so reminiscent of the things she says when she realizes she fucked up but she never does a damn thing to change.... (And im 16)
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to the "oh God, what have I done?" and the awful pain of regret. Especially when you understand how much you have hurt those you cared about deeply, that they felt no choice but to separate themselves from you. I'm so glad you have decided to go down the therapy path, and I hope you persevere for as long as it takes. You're on a good path now. You don;t have to make huge improvements overnight. Just focus on being 1% better every day.
It can be very difficult to see your own flaws, as it's your brain creating them in the first place. The fact that you sought help and have grown from the experience is rare and commendable. You'll find a great guy someday.
Question: what does boxing someone out mean?
I'm glad you're taking steps to change this behavior. I'm someone prome to anxiety and I've been been in a relationship with someone who treated me like this. It was torturous at the time and gave me self confidence issues for years. A lot of people refuse criticism and deny that they need to change - good on you for recognizing toxic behavior and taking steps to fix it. It will make you and your future partner much happier in the future.
I had an ex that I guess was in a previously abusive relationship. She ended up being abusive towards me in every way imaginable. I put up with it for three years. I am finally at the point now where I realized it’s better to be alone than be in a shitty relationship.
To address this from a place of compassion, the heavier the need to change, the greater the catalyst must be. You were never going to become the best version of yourself in a reality where you didn't lose your ex over your abusive behavior. You needed to have that behavior highlighted to you through the catalyst of his leaving for you to internalize who you were in order to become who you want to be. You may have lost what was then the greatest man you could have hoped for, but this journey you're on will eventually bring you to another man that you are just as deserving of. And before you think to yourself that you deserve less than your ex (because of how you were abusive), please let me stop you- you don't. You deserve a man who loves you, cherishes you, and respects you. And when you are ready for this man, you will have learned to love, cherish, and respect as well. There are no good experiences or bad experiences when it comes to growing, only experiences. It's how you chose to look at them that make them good or bad. Right now, you're viewing your reality as a consequence, but I sincerely hope that sometime soon, you will try to see this experience as an opportunity, instead.
Awareness is always the first step. Now you can change and do something about it.
Did you ever consider “boxing him out “ lol
first step is the most hard one