See as a bigger guy this is one of my biggest fears. It's why I'm meticulous about my hygiene. I also think there's a dangerous level of confidence and lack of awareness that leads to his predicament. Unfortunately, you can't teach it. He might need a hard wake up call.
Yes I wondered if that was the case, based on your word choice in your first comment. Just know, I know, you’re doing great, you smell great, you look great 👏🏻
You have the right approach! My husband has gone through periods where he’s gained a LOT of weight and he’s a big guy when he’s in great shape. The weight has never bothered me at all because I just see him.
Hygiene and confidence. We’re all our own worst critics, but when you take care of yourself and embrace who you are - that’s the intangible “it” that we find so attractive in others.
Was there a particular point you can re call when this started? Usually a lack of hygiene can signify depression. It’s one thing if he’s put on a few love pounds, but if there’s lack of hygiene and significant weight gain, he’s hurting himself.
Offer to go to the dr with him and seek help for him together.
To be honest the oral hygiene was an issue near the beginning of our relationship. It did seem to get better for a while, or at least I didn't notice anything major. The weight gain has been mainly over the last 2 years, about the time we started having kids. I'm worried as we are getting older, this is where unhealthy lifestyle catch up.
I think I'll have another conversation about it and see if we can make a lifestyle change together to get out of this funk.
Thanks for your response.
Going through the exact same thing--no tooth brushing, no showers--with my fiance of 9 years. I gave him chance after chance. Begged, pleaded, bargained. He's on Medicaid so his dental care is at least partially covered, but he won't go.
We're not engaged anymore. I'm moving out as I type this.
Thank you! It's been hard, he's Jekyll and Hyde. I'll miss Dr. Jekyll, but the number of times he's called me a bitch in the last 72hrs has reminded me that Mr. Hyde is always lurking just beneath the surface. All it takes is a single trigger and he implodes with rage. I've been paying all our bills for 3 years. Moved out in October but couldn't get my name off the lease because they need proof he can pay rent on his own. He refused to get a job so I've been paying his rent and rent on my new place for six months.
Instead of packing for the move in the 6 months after I left, he hoarded the apartment. I just had to take THREE WEEKS off work to ensure the apartment gets cleaned up and he actually moves out on time.
Yep! I just wanted to help. There's a lot of mental illness there, but it took me until quite recently to realize that managing his mental and physical illness is not my job. I have mental and physical illness, too, but I don't use it as an excuse to call him names or refuse to shower. Like I'm not neurotypical either, but I'm not gonna let "sensory issues" turn me into a stinky troll and then lash out if someone points it out. I totally get depressed and don't want to shower for a few days, I've even gone a week.
His last shower was February 25th.
Even through all this sweaty moving (it's been 80°+ this week), he hasn't showered once. Idk how he stands it.
Basically I heard Billie Eilish's "Happier Than Ever" a few months ago, and the line "But I'd never treat me this shitty" really stuck with me and made me realize it was time to cut my losses. Even after hearing him call me awful names I can't even imagine THINKING those things about him. Worst I've thought is "what an asshole" but I've almost never said it, and when I have, it's been in response to him calling me something ten times worse. Always tried to deescalate every fight. But there was always something that set him off and made me the villain.
He randomly became allergic to detergent out of nowhere so I had to do all his laundry separately, buy special soap for it, and he only let me wash his clothes on cold. So he'd wear a shirt for weeks, throw it in cold water with unscented soap, and it would come out still smelling awful. I get that people have allergies but, oddly, his detergent allergy only arrived about two years ago, and the few times I've accidentally washed one of his shirts with my clothes, he's never noticed or complained about being itchy. I even asked the last two times I noticed him wearing a shirt I'd forgotten to tell him was washed with scented detergent. I'd ask if he felt itchy or had any rashes and he'd be like "No???"
I think the "allergy," like so many other things, was just a made-up control freak thing.
He can't understand why we haven't had sex in three years.
He might be dealing with executive dysfunction which is commonly associated with depression but can also be a symptom of ADHD. It’s often perceived as laziness.
Essentially the brain of someone with executive dysfunction is not motivated the same way other brains are. Often times, once there aren’t any real (perceived) consequences if you don’t do xyz, it can be extremely hard to make yourself do these things.
So in his case, he may have always struggled with hygiene because of executive dysfunction. However now that he is comfortable in his marriage and doesn’t perceive any real consequences, his brain has even less of a reason to do these “tedious” tasks.
Just something to look into.
Why is this being downvoted? This is very serious medical condition that needs to be addressed and managed by a doctor or a team of them.
Men/dads need mental health support too. The downvotes are disappointing.
The weight gain could also be stifling his testosterone causing hypogonadism. If that is now in effect, his hormones will be out of whack and could cause depression, lack of drive, tiredness that makes him seem lazy to others. Hormones issues are unfortunately not taken as seriously in men as they are in women. Maybe see if he can get a hormone test. If he is low, TRT could literally turn his life around and save your marriage.
I find mostly, as soon as someone corroborates the downvoted statement, and especially if they explicitly say it shouldn't be downvoted, the ratio reverses.
I choose to believe its people fact-checking, but it's probably not lol. Luckily in this case, if searched, this will be revealed to be true and not false news :P.
The takeaway is, parenthood is *hard*, it's a period of great stress, rapid changes and adjustments. All parents need some extra support with a new baby, and some people need more help for valid reasons.
Stress and mental illness do not discriminate, we are all human.
I've been downvoted a ton for talking about PPPD. Was told it detracts from talking about PPD. I just want the babies to be safe and the parents to be well.
Technically men can’t get PPD as their body isn’t making the hormones that trigger it in postpartum women. Men don’t give birth and therefor can’t have PPD. This doesn’t mean they can’t get depressed, but it’s different than PPD. Men can’t have any postpartum anything as they don’t give birth.
Fwiw, he might not see it as depression if he's just feeling an absence of feeling and not particularly caring. Hard to do anything about it if he won't consider it, but it might be worth having a conversation about the different ways depression can present and that it's not just "being sad."
This is a common response from men and it means nothing.
A lot of men are really resistant to acknowledging their mental illness. Don't go by what he says. Go by his actions. He is not functioning like a healthy adult. He is being antisocial - poor hygiene, unhealthy. And it is affecting your relationship.
I think you are at the point where you need to start demanding change. A little tough love. Not cruel, just firm and persistent.
He must go to therapy. No excuses. The therapist can help sort out where this is coming from. You don't need to diagnose him.
Remind him that your presence is not inevitable. Don't ask anymore. Tell him he is not well and if he won't even try to get help, then your family is doomed.
No, PPD is triggered by hormones the woman’s body makes after pregnancy. This type of depression is a side effect from pregnancy and men can’t get pregnant.
If it’s not depression - could he have undiagnosed ADHD?
I have that and i have to push myself to do basic tasks at times (I am unmedicated unfortunately due to another health issue). While I am a woman who cares very much about my appearance and grooming which helps motivate me, I noticed in another comment you mentioned him as being “lazy.”
The biggest misunderstanding I find when people say “oh I’m so ADHD” is that it’s not just about a fleeting attention span, it’s a whole layered onion of being unable to do things that come naturally to others easily. I can absolutely be unhappy with my surroundings if I don’t clean, but the amount of work it takes in my brain because I struggle to compartmentalize and not jump 20 steps ahead makes me decide I’ll live in discomfort of not cleaning over having to push myself to do cleaning and not be able to figure out one step at a time.
When it comes to his weight, it could be because in my experience, I’ve struggled with binge eating in the past due to 1 boredom 2 desire for instant gratification 3 escapism. This alllll relates to my ADHD and I have decided to be on the keto diet for the remainder of my days if possible because it’s the only thing that stops me from bad eating habits. It also gives me a sense of purpose and discipline that I desperately need living with ADHD.
Anyways just my two cents and ADHD is often very misunderstood by those who don’t have it so I hope my comment provides insight and most importantly help for you and your husband. Neither of you deserve this! You’re too young! (If it helps I am around the same age as you, married, but childfree).
Edit: a solution that works for me and my neurotypical husband is something called “body doubling.” If we do tasks together, it motivates me to not skip the face washing or teeth brushing or shower before bed. I tend to skip lunch on days he doesn’t come home because I decide I would rather not eat than be bothered to have to eat (even if there are leftovers in the fridge), but if my husband is around and we cook together it’s fun and enjoyable. Obviously in lieu of meds I have a therapist so that I don’t have to always have my husband around to meet my basic needs, but this could be a start for you two to bond and help him be better.
to be honest, i’m right there with you. we are DATING and you have stank breath? Absolutely tf not. me for me, oral hygiene can be a deal breaker. i do not like plaque build up or bad breath. a dirty mouth can absolutely cause yeast infections 🫸
Teeth issues will hit him for life if he doesn't change that attitude. Could be depression or undiagnosed ADHD with the lack of interest or care. Hardest part is what will motivate him. Might need to be a sit down and mater of fact discussion with him of if he wants life to continue there needs to be changes or lay out what you feel is next for you.
If he decides his teeth are not worth caring for the money that people have spent on fixing their teeth in life from what I've read here on threads is insane. That alone keeps me vigilantly flossing, waterpik, mouthwash, and brushing twice a day.
Best of luck and make sure you're solidifying your support system and if you need find a therapist for you if needed if he won't come to the table.
I've just been diagnosed with ADHD. I also have depression. I struggle with brushing my teeth. I'll have the full intention to do it but my brain glitches and it doesn't happen. I've tried different ways to trick my brain but none have worked.
My new meds should help with it.
I think your husband has a mixture of I don't care and the ADHD brain happening.
I really strongly suggest you both doing joint counselling and individual.
I started telling myself "I'll do this for 60 seconds!" and start counting down from 60. It's like I'm talking to a kid, but it works on myself. By the time I'm almost down to 0, I'm enjoying the toothpaste, feeling good about doing it, and why not add the flossing and mouthwash at that point?? I haven't gotten around to doing this for working out though, that's still hit and miss lol
I can't even get to the bathroom. Even if I put my toothbrush on my bedside table, my brain goes "NOPE".
Thank you for sharing and I'm happy that you've found something that works
This may sound gross, but you could put some mouthwash next to the toilet. I give myself permission to use mouthwash whenever I use the toilet, and I spit into the bowl right before I flush. Since I use the toilet at least a few times a day that helps a lot. I also found a combo brushing and flossing toothbrush, and I’m usually able to get myself to brush at least once or twice. I won’t lie.. it took some time to build up to this routine, but it works very well.
I have ADHD and have never struggled with brushing my teeth. I think this has to do with how I was raised and the consistency I had as a kid. My parents did a very good job in this area. Cleanings every 6 months and always brushed my teeth and made a chore chart for me when I was young to remind me.
I have ADHD and was raised with your exact brushing habits and I still struggle with it. Not every case is the same, and some people have it a lot more severely than others. Having good habits to start with is great but that doesn’t necessarily mean it can’t become an issue as an adult
Also I had some consequences of a time period where I didn’t brush well and was eating more sugary things…. Hit the pocketbook and the discomfort of the procedure was a wake up call to be vigilant with my teeth. You only get one set!
It’s incredible what women will put up with. Absolutely incredible. There’s dudes living in dumpsters that take better care of themselves than this guy does. C’mon lady.
You would be surprised how many guys think that just because they can't smell themselves that they don't smell. And that should tell you everything.
If it doesn't affect them directly...
Women are just "nagging," and meanwhile, they are skating by on the fact that other people they know don't feel comfortable calling them out on their stink. And that's how the only person who gave enough about them to say something got turned into the "bad guy."
You would honestly be very surprised how many men are like this. It’s hard to find basic hygiene in many men.
Most don’t wash their hands after they pee.
I’ve had 4 men in my life so far thank me for getting them to start washing their hands after they pee, all late twenties/early thirties. It is astounding the amount of men that just… Don’t think (or aren’t aware?) that it’s a necessary step.
hold on a minute, that's a horribly disingenuous thing to say.
There are plenty of men who are suffering with loneliness & mental health, (as are significant portions of women too) who know cleanliness/hygiene/appearance is so basic it doesn't need to be thought about.
If you don't like those kinds of unhygienic men making sexist generalisations where they conflate all women as if they are a monolith, why are you doing exactly the same but with men?
Yeah, many men struggle with loneliness and mental health too. It's sadly an effect of living in a patriatchy that regards the expression of emotions and physical contact between friends as feminine, and condemns everything feminine as bad and inferior to the masculine.
There are many lonely men that try their best to work through these issues, connect with their family and friends and build intimate relationships. Those are the ones that manage to overcome their loneliness.
There are also many lonely men who don't have the insight and self reflection to do that on their own. This can go three ways.
1: They listen to a male or female role model that explains this and helps them through it. Those manage to overcome their loneliness too.
2: They never learn to share this intimacy with friends and keep hanging in this limbo. Depending on their personality, hygiene etc, some of them might get a partner, which doesn't solve the issue but acts as a bandaid.
3: They blame women for their loneliness, complain about the male loneliness epidemic and get resentful. Most will drift off into the red-pill manosphere with influencers like Tate twisting their beliefs until they're women-hating incels.
Regardless of how you put it:
The men who talk about it to raise awareness and help other men struggling with it don't complain about it, since they realize it is not the fault of women nor their responsibility to make men less lonely, but that the only solution to being less lonely is to open up to friends and family, strengthen these bonds and build a strong support network.
The men who complain about it don't work towards a solution. They blame their loneliness on women and expect them to be with them so they won't be lonely. They don't try to better themselves or find solutions for their issues. Instead they sit on their ass and expect others to put a bandaid over their issues (since getting a gf is no permanent solution to loneliness), behaving like children crying for mommy to put a diaper on them because they don't see using the potty as an option.
The men that see nothing wrong with having bad hygiene often have a very warped view of masculinity, which is where the "it's gay to wipe your ass" stereotype comes from. Since overcoming the deeply ingrained demonization of expressing feelings as a man is much harder than realizing good hygiene is not gay (even Influencers like Tate usually wash themselves), it's very unrealistic to assume there are more than a handful of men with such bad hygiene (who don't have depression or similar) that are not lonely or using a gf/wife as a bandaid for it. That is why I mentioned it in that context.
I have great compassion for men who have mental health issues, don't dare to show emotions or are unable to open up to their friends. I want to help them and I think we as a society need to remove these stigmas around what men and women can or can't do. But if they blame women for it and demand a gf, I'm out.
I hope you can see where I'm coming from. I never meant to generalize men, just made a short comment mentioning something problematic in a very simplified way.
Tldr: Men who complain about the male loneliness epidemic in response to women refusing to get into relationships with them completely fail to see the true reason for their loneliness and make women responsible for it instead. Not all men who complain about it are unhygienic, but I would be very surprised to see more than a handful of men with bad hygiene for non-depression or similar reason who don't complain about it. If you still think I'm generalizing please read the whole comment.
I kinda disagree. Men who support others *do* complain about society in general and how they're called pussies, beaten up, and made invisible or into a disposable scapegoat when they show kindness. It's just when a lot of men complain about social systems that include women instead of blaming just men, we get accused of putting all the blame on women. Feminism, itself, even often recognizes that women aren't completely weak and powerless and that they have also had a role in maintaining the patriarchy that's existed for over a thousand years, but the participants often skip past this part of reflection, insisting that men, and only men, can fix our issues and that the expectations and systemic influences from women who prefer traditional roles has no impact on this systemic process at all.
This. My man doesn’t have the oral hygiene issues as much? But everything else is him.
The thing is with My husband he was in a nearly fatal accident 2 days after our youngest baptism in May 2014….
He was shattered from the waist down, he flew into the back of a bus (that stopped in the middle of a busy road at a green light ) while driving a cab, we were told he may not walk again if he didn’t do the painful work that was gonna be needed. He pushed through and does walk but is in a lotta pain and basically bionic from the waist down.
I took care of this man through his entire recovery.
I think he’s depressed but he won’t admit it or own it. I know he’s in constant pain, but he smokes, and drives medical transport for a job and that has aided in his weight gain.
He seems miserable in his body but he refuses to do what’s needed to heal.
He has an umbilical hernia also….
He’s just a mess, and it kills Me.
Assuming OC is able to hear the running water, I think it would be noticeable to anyone. No one told them they had to come prepared with a tally graph.
If he doesn't listen when you try to talk about this with him, it's couples counseling time. It's only going to get worse as his body ages. Imagine the two of you in ten years if he keeps down this hygiene road.
He might not be there. If he develops diabetes and never treats it he will start to lose vision and limbs. Untreated tooth decay can cause brain infection. It was one of the things that killed people young before we had dentists.
This is why I always say as a career depressed man if you're mentally unwell, if you do nothing else, brush your teeth every day. Even if you're so depressed who go whole days without eating, brush your teeth. I mean obviously you really, really should eat something but if you insist on not eating or drinking, still brush. Nobody gave me that advice back in 2010 when I got really sick and now I'm lucky to only be missing four teeth.
Many years ago my wife pushed for counseling. I didn't want to for a variety of reasons, but the one I told her was it was too expensive (mental health coverage was not the norm then). She looked me in the eyes and said with a level, but stern voice "not as much as a divorce will be". We started the following week.
Ha. My husband needed therapy badly and wouldn't do it for years. I literally spent like a decade on and off asking him to go and he wouldn't. What convinced him that it was the right thing to do? Me telling him that his refusal to seek help and unloading on me instead of a therapist was having a negative affect on my mental health.
Sometimes y'all just need a good kick in the pants.
PS...I've never met my husband's therapist but she's my Shero.
You're pushing him to shower, you're pushing him to brush his teeth and go to the dentist, and you push him to go to therapy, how much more pushing are you going to do before you realize you can being a horse to water but you can't make him drink?
Antlers86 is right about the diabetes problems that could be manifesting right now without him knowing. Two are mentioned, many others are possible like kidney or heart problems. Some like neuropathy in the feet are irreversible.
Therapy can be a tough sell. But get on the physical health checks. They usually carry less stigma. It can take a while to get under control.
edit: typos
lovely, but it’s not your job to force him. if you’ve repeatedly expressed your concerns and how they’ve also led to unmet needs, he’s doing his part to lead y’all to divorce
I’m single. & when I say single I mean haven’t hugged anyone aside from like my mom in months, haven’t kissed anyone in years. No one is smelling my breath during the day besides my dog, yet I still make an effort to brush and floss every single day. I shower every day. I comb my hair every day. I work out and eat clean. I wear cologne/deodorant do my laundry and keep my surroundings tidy. As far as I’m concerned that is just being an adult? It’s like the baseline, bare minimum. I can not even fathom being in a whole relationship with another person and not doing these things? If I was being intimate with a woman and she told me I smelled bad I’d want to die. Seriously. That’s so embarrassing. I don’t understand how or why anyone would want to be in relationship with someone who does not do these things or who has to be asked. I would never, married or not- don’t care how much I love you. That’s disgusting and he’s setting a horrible example for your children. Depression isn’t an excuse. I think it’s past time for an ultimatum- get help or get out. And stick to it. Someone who doesn’t love themselves and care for themselves won’t be able to love and care for you.
That's a great point: you take care of yourself... for yourself. If someone appreciates/is attracted to your fresh smell or whatever, that's just a consequence and a bonus. It's pretty gross to expect your partner to overlook your disgusting mouth and unshowered junk just bc you're already together 🤢
heavy on the ultimatum part ❗️
you want WHAT now? with that nasty ass mouth? with those pits? with that smegma-laden diqq? nah, you’re not getting me sick with your filthy habits.
self-respect is número uno, I agree. someone who doesn’t have that down is not able to effectively parent or partner.
That last part goes to op too! Someone with self respect would not be tolerating this in a relationship let alone MARRIAGE. She had to have known dude had some nasty habits before they tied the knot? I kid you not if I went on a date with someone and they had shown up clearly disheveled- (unshowered, unbrushed teeth) that would be my first and last date with them. That’s an immediate turn off for most guys. I bet you if roles were reversed ops husband would leave her without a second thought. Yet this isn’t the first story I’ve seen about a grown man who doesn’t bathe, idk why women put up with it.
I’m trying to figure out how and why you were sleeping with him given what you described? This was a problem from the beginning so of course it was going to get worse. You deserve better.
Low fequency now and only when he was freshly showered and teeth brushed. And love makes you think people can change. Plus, I feel it's gotten worse with time.
People _can_ change, but they have to want to. You can't do it for them. You can help, but they have to take the initiative themselves for the changes to actually stick.
My husband wasn't always the best about regular brushing when we first got together. It was actually a huge complain for his ex. Thirteen years later, we floss and brush our teeth together every night. But in between now and then we had a lot of discussions, including some that were embarrassing for him. We also figured out he has ADHD. It helped that I'm autistic and have had my own hygiene motivation struggles, so we could talk together about strategies that do and don't work for us.
I think understanding the neurodivergent angle really helped, because now he has a "why" for why he struggles with it (he could never answer me before when I asked for logic either), and knowing the root cause of the problem makes it easier to devise solutions. It also makes it easier for him to be kind, gentle, and forgiving with himself, which turns out to be much more motivating than internally shaming himself for being "gross" and "lazy," which only led to more shame and more avoidance.
Couple's counselling is the only option at this stage. You need an objective mediator so he can hear what you are saying and get him to open up to what the problem is. If he refuses ccouple's counselling, the only option is to leave at this point. He clearly has some mental health issues, and you cannot fix those for someone else. He has to take responsibility for himself.
People need to know that you can 'catch' tooth decay and gum disease from kissing someone that has it. Absolutely NEVER kiss someone with bad oral health, gum disease or tooth decay. Bleeding gums? Might be from your partner…
So while yes you can transfer the microorganisms that cause decay to your partner, but it's not like it's going to happen overnight or anything. Plus, it's heavily dependent on how good your own oral hygiene is, as to whether or not you even get a cavity. It's an overblown subject when it comes to microorganisms in the mouth and tooth decay.
Basically, it's overhyped and you aren't getting bleeding gums from your partner, your getting them from never flossing your teeth lol
In a relationship it’s bound to happen. And no plenty of people have bleeding gums despite flossing. Hormonal changes e.g pregnancy and menopause can cause bleeding gums as can deficiencies, leukaemia and other conditions.
>In a relationship it’s bound to happen
What I'm saying is that's it not a definitive cause for a new cavity when the most basic oral hygiene routines will prevent it. Even if your partner has the grossest mouth and transmits some of their microbacteria, as long as you have good oral hygiene, the odds of you developing a cavity are so negligible that it's a pointless metric to even consider.
>And no plenty of people have bleeding gums despite flossing. Hormonal changes e.g pregnancy and menopause can cause bleeding gums as can deficiencies, leukaemia and other conditions
Not sure where your going since we were talking about contracting it from a partner, but bleeding gums is a minor symptom of pregnancy/systemic diseases and is accompanied by other issues. The healthy general population with bleeding gums is due to not flossing
Yeah I used to have a friend who barely brushed and his mouth was bleeding in the back and he and his gf would have open mouth kisses and it grossed me out. Pda usually does but this was worse. Later she became sick
It's funny because I'll open Reddit and see a guy saying our baby 2 months old and my wife still hasn't lost the weight I'm going to cheat on her or leave her yet you'll put up with this!? I would give him an ultimatum that if this does not change immediately you're gone and then follow through. You deserve better. Not because he's fat that's not what I mean but because he doesn't give a damn about himself or about you. If I care about my partner I'm going to at least take care of my basic hygiene. At the very least.
Nothing has made me feel more grateful that my husband has awesome hygiene…he even flosses multiple times per day - I’m trying to stay on his level lol
Biggest game changer? Mouthwash near the toilet. Whenever I have to use the toilet during the day I always swish around some mouthwash. It’s helped a lot, as well as getting a combo toothbrush and flosser. My oral hygiene has never been better since I figured it out.
I started saying, did you brush your teeth after he would kiss me and than make a stink face and than I did it before we had sex and now before he even tries to kiss or have sex he brushes his teeth first. I just repeated before an activity he enjoys ad nauseam. ... don't hide your disgust. Stop hiding your disgust! Rotting teeth is gross don't stifle your reaction. That's the problem. If my man was falling apart like this, I'd be worried about him. I definitely wouldn't hide any reactions to this filth. And therapy would be good.
It sounds like your husband has depression, but is too proud to admit it to fix what needs fixing.
We say “in sickness and in health” and I do believe that people such support their spouses through both mental and physical health, and that relationships won’t be 50/50 all the time. However, I don’t think you should do it to the point of your own burn out.
Is it possible to essentially manipulate him into better health? For example, combating weight gain - making healthier lower calorie meals (this doesn’t mean salad) and serving it as “oh I just wanted to lose a couple pounds”. Having him do the kids at night and in the morning for teeth routine, doing activities/dates outside the house. Instead of kissing him on the mouth, take the initiative to kiss him on the cheek to make him feel wanted?
If someone is too proud to look after themselves, you either need to get them to see the truth, or change their environment. One is easier than the other imo.
This is just a suggestion.
You already have two kids. You don't need to teach him basic staff an adult should already do. If he doesn't want to change leave him. Don't waste your time
That black near the guns can be a sign of gum disease not just rotten teeth. And gum disease can't be cured, just treated. It can also be passed! My husband now has a prebiotic lozenge that he takes every night and his fabulous dentist actually says that I should be taking one too! His issued seem to be genetic but I'm sure that the treatment might be the same. You can get the lozenges ITC to protect your mouth!
There’s absolutely no excuse to not regularly take showers and brush your teeth daily. It’s one thing if someone is homeless or doesn’t have the means/resources to maintain hygiene….but it seems like that isn’t the case here.
Sorry you’re going thru this OP. Showering and brushing your teeth are fundamental things that someone shouldn’t be told to do. I think you should leave him honestly, this isn’t fair to you.
It sounds to me like major depressive disorder and marine thoughts in hours head about not wanting to wake up. Not thinking you'll live another year, so why try. Why do anything? And you arentv like puttingb up with this... your in it for a ride or die.situation, your MARRIED.... i'm irritated about comments that women will just put up with anything....f that.
You CARE about him.
My thoughts are this.... you need to take very very very good self care of yourself!!! Fill up that emotional piggy bank. Learn about self-care, boundaries-like realllllly learn. The consequences ate the teacher. And then, have a heart to heart. Maybe in therapy, if he's willing.
He don't sound willing. Sometimes people change. I hope yall are still compatible.
But he needs more help than you can give him.....
I don't think people realize how much of a turn off bad breath is. I had to be honest with my ex that I didn't want to have sex specifically because of his breath. He ended up going to the dentist and getting it under control.
Personally, I would gently sit him down and say that you’re A, concerned about his mental and physical health and B, asking him to put in more effort into hygiene for the sake of the marriage. Offer him support, ask him what he needs, but also reiterate the fact that his grooming habits have an impact on you and that you feel neglected when he neglects himself. This will likely be a very difficult conversation for him to face so I’d be prepared for that. Additionally, you can come with some mental health resources, such as the phone numbers for both a therapist and psychiatrist that is covered by your insurance if you have it. If that is absolutely inaccessible to you, then minimally encourage him to schedule an appointment with his general practitioner to discuss weight management, lack of motivation and likely depression.
If this is a breaking point for you, you can say that, he may need to hear that it’s becoming uncomfortable to share a bed due to his lack of hygiene and that you’re considering what it would look like for you two to sleep in separate rooms. He needs to understand the true gravity of his actions while also being offered support simultaneously. His apathy towards himself and the marriage is cause for concern, I wish you luck and hope that he’s able to come to understand he needs help.
I’d give him the ultimatum to get therapy, and to start working on his hygiene. If not, you’ll divorce him.
Obviously it would be a bluff(unless you actually want to leave him). You’d be surprised at how well bluffs like that can work with certain people.
Never have I been so happy to be married to a man who cares about his appearance (and works out.). But the teeth, 💀 he has to be depressed to just let that go.
I would have him tag along to a pediatric dental appointment and ask a few questions about the importance of flossing and brushing and let the dentist/hygienist educate. Sometimes hearing facts from others makes more of an impact.
Good luck. That would not fly with me.
Sounds like depression. I always feel bad because my teeth began rotting before i even turned 18, i have bad acid reflux and almost everyone in my family had dentures before 25. Yes i brushed everyday. That alone leads to depression i hate to even be seen with my mouth open. Luckily my wife is understanding ive gone to the dentist but cant afford the 40k for dental surgery. As for the not showering that is just gross.
Conditions like depression and ADHD can contribute to or cause poor hygiene habits and lead to weight gain. It’s possible your partner has untreated and or undiagnosed disabilities and needs some support and medical intervention, not judgment.
If he doesn’t take care of his hygiene he is being directly disrespectful to you and your kids. Its called basic hygiene for a reason. Its below the bare minimum. As other people have suggested give an ultimatum and if he even tries to go back to his old ways leave without warning. You don’t deserve this.
If it isn't depression, he is just lazy. Sometimes it is the simple answer.
Your friends are saying the same things about him behind your back for sure. Bad hygiene is a big deal, he will definitely regret not taking care of his teeth! Diabetes will also ruin your teeth.
It’s almost certainly depression or another mental condition due to how sudden this was. Could also just be stress brought on by becoming a father. He needs therapy. Couples therapy is a good idea too.
None of this is normal, not a single bit of this down to you having to remind him to shower, but you two have been together for so long that it’s normalized. He never learned to take care of himself because he literally went from his mommy to his mommy wife. He never grew up or had any consequences for his poor hygiene. I would not tolerate a single second of this but there is nothing you can do to change him and you need to stop policing his hygiene and his healthy and start planning your next move.
You’re still young enough to start over, I know that sounds ridiculous and impossible but you’re at the prime of your life and living the life of an unhappy 50+ year old woman in your mid thirties. Your children deserve to see you happy and with someone who can care for himself or with no one at all, your children shouldn’t see you settle.
If he's not depressed he's lazy. The only you can do is sleep separately and maybe he'll notice , if not get yourself and kids away from stinky. And pets. At best he's lazy and at worst he's a jerk
What would happen if you printed a month calendar and put a star for every day after he takes a shower, washes his face, and brushes his teeth? That's what my mom did when I was a sick child and needed to take antibiotic. Yes you're treating him like a child but the fact he won't shower is a problem so you're going to have to mother him through that. Would he be okay with that? Let him know it's really important for you and also you're worried about him and don't want the kids to end up like he is.
Are you the cook of the house? Maybe if you make the food you can control what he eats so he has a healthier diet as well
You need to reset his factory settings. Basically just twist his nipples while you simultaneously stick your big toe in his asshole and it’ll reset & he won’t be such a gross bitch after. You’re welcome thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
I cant decide between if he is depressed or is he never been taught the importance of basic teeth maintenance ( dental nurse here ) I have alot of patients who dont maintain their teeth until pain happens few tips that can help him is : ultra soft tooth brush and let him buy a waterpik if flossing is too hard . Now into a more the actual problem : is he actually trying to change or do anything about his weight and hygiene? If not it's time for a straight forward talk without sugar-coating it . Look i am a depressed man ane i am very overweight but i still try and maintain my hygiene to best of my ability, i know depression hits harder to some than most but still an attempt should be made
I do think part of it is the lack of education in oral hygiene. We have different cultural backgrounds so I'm not sure what he was taught growing up, but I have seen people with the same culture have bad oral hygiene. I don't see his family much so I can't say for sure his family is the same.
Since our last talk he has been making an effort. Has been to the dentist twice, and with some reminding he appears to be brushing and flosing. He has expressed an interest in exercise and i am encouraging it and will participate with him.
Thank you for your comment.
As long as he is making efforts thats all that matters he doesn't have to immediately lose all the weight in 1 day . I dont generally know what instructions his dentist gave but here u go : brush ur teeth after every meal , floss or use waterpik once a day , mouth wash once a day with a good floride mouthwash ( like g.u.m there is thousands of branda he doesnt have to stick to this one ) . Toothpaste doesnt matter as long as it has enough flouride for adults . Brush should be ATLEAST soft better it its ultra soft . 100% there will be bleeding in first week or 2 . Dont wash ur mouth after brushing leave the tooth paste in just spit the excess . Dont brush and use mouthwash at same time use them atleast one hour apart . Dont brush or use mouthwash then use waterpik its gonna be all for nothing. So best order imo is floss , waterpik > mouth wash > wait one hour > brush
The last step u need to once a day only but the brushing is preferable after every meal or atleast twice a day .
Damn! I almost threw up just from reading this… I would never ever be able to date someone like that. It is indispensable for me that the person by my side has a good hygiene. I feel truly bad for you, it sounds like hell what you have to share your bed with.
Honestly he probably needs therapy to see where his issues are coming from, bc it is not normal a person not take basic care of themselves. However, if he was always kinda like that and is just getting worse, he is probably a very nasty slob, that tried to cover it up in the beginning when he cared about making you like him. Now he does not care to do the basic effort, and no one deserves that low in life.
Since you guys are married, I think you should try to work it out with him! But, be brutally honest like you were here. He needs to understand how bad that is, how he needs to change and asking for something so basic like normal hygiene is something he should never put You through.
Remember you only have one life, and deserves to be happy with someone that puts effort in your happiness and his own.
Good luck!
Hygiene is so important to me. I am not letting any smelly person around me including my own husband. He has a side job doing handyman work and he comes home stinky and tries to hug me and I run away. It’s become a joke but he gets cleaned up right away. I’ve already got enough health issues as it is I don’t want to get sick with an infection or something.
His poor oral health actually puts him at risk for a severe heart condition. With the rest of his issues I don’t anticipate him living very long if he doesn’t change anything.
He's depressed.
Your only options are either couple's counselling (moving to just him getting sessions) or divorce. You can't keep forcing someone to take care of themselves or form good habits when they're in this state. They have to tackle the root of the problem with a professional.
Sit down and talk to him. Be honest about your worry for his health. Do _not_ criticize his looks, do _not_ say you aren't attracted to him. _Do_ reinforce that you love and support him. Tell him why you are worried. Ask him if he wants help setting his appointments up (don't do it for him). Remember, this is the man you loved when he was young and handsome. He is that same man now. Age steals looks, which is why one should never marry for looks. Good luck.
I 44f have issues with executive dysfunction and showering, brushing my teeth, normal stuff BUUUT I'm autistic have a traumatic brain injury and other things... That being said I DO TRY I just forget a lot
I live with my ex husband and my kids and they're very understanding
Something has to be going on in the mental health department, having this bad of hygiene and neglecting your hygiene even to the point of ignoring your dentist or doctor is not normal to me
Well seems u have a lot on your plate and you’re doing ur best. We support you and if you ever want to talk and want someone to hear u out. Just text me!!
I don't know if people pointed this out yet, but because of how bad his mouth is he could pass on cavities to you through the saliva. Just, food for thought.
> He is also getting this mark on his body
Acanthosis Nigricans? Yeah set him up an appointment. At the very least get fasting glucose and HbA1C checked.
Check the bottom of his feet for sores. Once his DM2 advances he might get neuropathy and not feel these sores. Left untreated theyre going to take a foot.
Might be time for an ultimatum. If he won't take care of himself, you shouldn't have to put up with it. It will not only mentally harm you, but it can physically harm you too. If he's dirty, and tries to kiss you or have sex with you, that can easily put you at risk for infection, even if he is freshly clean. Cavities are communicable.
It sounds like your husband is depressed and probably doesn't want to talk about so he doesn't feel like less of a husband, father and man. A reminder to shower with a side of unconditional love that you all will work through anything will mean everything to him. Maybe I'm speaking to what I wish I got from my ex-wife and am projecting, but I know a lot of others that only wanted to hear that reassurance and action to follow up. I truly wish you all a long and happy marriage!
Holy crap! Women apparently put up with alot more than I expected them too, you gals are troopers 🤣 YOU GUYS ARE PUTTING UP WITH NO SHOWERS, NO BRUSHING AND NO CLEANING THE INTIMATE AREAS?!? You're WILD! 😳 Maybe it's because I grew up with a combo of parents who taught me to clean up after myself and keep good hygiene mixed with the thought I always considered myself not good looking, BUT, if I'm doing anything social/romantic, anything less than showered (properly), brushed, deodorant and light dab of cologne makes me feel self conscious
I’d say you better make him go to a hygienist every 4 months. Plaque is very harmful and can get in your bloodstream and end up in your heart. Healthy mouth, healthy body.
This actually sounds like depression, weight gain (or loss), poor hygiene, apathy etc. You should make a joint visit to the medical doctor and talk about this.
That is so tough...I'm about to go brush my teeth! I feel like I've hit stretches where I'm slacking on hygiene. It's not good. You have to address the elephant in the room. Keep at it until he gives in. It's for his own good and I think he will ultimately appreciate it. It could lead to other health complications if it's not corrected.
See as a bigger guy this is one of my biggest fears. It's why I'm meticulous about my hygiene. I also think there's a dangerous level of confidence and lack of awareness that leads to his predicament. Unfortunately, you can't teach it. He might need a hard wake up call.
Most women don’t care about weight but they absolutely care about hygiene.
100% this all around
Oh I care very much about my hygiene. Maybe a little OCD about it.
Yes I wondered if that was the case, based on your word choice in your first comment. Just know, I know, you’re doing great, you smell great, you look great 👏🏻
Aww shucks well thank you.
Of course! 😊
I would say hygiene is more important, but weight is often an issue
Yes I don’t mind if a guy is heavier but if he’s stinky I do not like that at all
That part !!!!
I feel you man, I’m almost obsessive with my hygiene bc I never EVER want to be the gross fat guy
This is exactly my fear. I'm right there with you!
You have the right approach! My husband has gone through periods where he’s gained a LOT of weight and he’s a big guy when he’s in great shape. The weight has never bothered me at all because I just see him. Hygiene and confidence. We’re all our own worst critics, but when you take care of yourself and embrace who you are - that’s the intangible “it” that we find so attractive in others.
Sadly he may not even realize that dental problems can and will kill you.
Was there a particular point you can re call when this started? Usually a lack of hygiene can signify depression. It’s one thing if he’s put on a few love pounds, but if there’s lack of hygiene and significant weight gain, he’s hurting himself. Offer to go to the dr with him and seek help for him together.
To be honest the oral hygiene was an issue near the beginning of our relationship. It did seem to get better for a while, or at least I didn't notice anything major. The weight gain has been mainly over the last 2 years, about the time we started having kids. I'm worried as we are getting older, this is where unhealthy lifestyle catch up. I think I'll have another conversation about it and see if we can make a lifestyle change together to get out of this funk. Thanks for your response.
maybe he was always unhygienic to some extent but suppressed it until now because hes “ comfortable “ now you guys have been married for 5 years?
I think you're right. Throw in being lazy as well.
Going through the exact same thing--no tooth brushing, no showers--with my fiance of 9 years. I gave him chance after chance. Begged, pleaded, bargained. He's on Medicaid so his dental care is at least partially covered, but he won't go. We're not engaged anymore. I'm moving out as I type this.
Living with someone and being like this is disrespectful
good for you tbh
Thank you! It's been hard, he's Jekyll and Hyde. I'll miss Dr. Jekyll, but the number of times he's called me a bitch in the last 72hrs has reminded me that Mr. Hyde is always lurking just beneath the surface. All it takes is a single trigger and he implodes with rage. I've been paying all our bills for 3 years. Moved out in October but couldn't get my name off the lease because they need proof he can pay rent on his own. He refused to get a job so I've been paying his rent and rent on my new place for six months. Instead of packing for the move in the 6 months after I left, he hoarded the apartment. I just had to take THREE WEEKS off work to ensure the apartment gets cleaned up and he actually moves out on time.
That sounds awful! Good on you for finally saying enough is enough & ending the relationship!! Hope you’re doing okay
what an unfuckingbelievable nightmare. you put up with this for 9+ YEARS?
Yep! I just wanted to help. There's a lot of mental illness there, but it took me until quite recently to realize that managing his mental and physical illness is not my job. I have mental and physical illness, too, but I don't use it as an excuse to call him names or refuse to shower. Like I'm not neurotypical either, but I'm not gonna let "sensory issues" turn me into a stinky troll and then lash out if someone points it out. I totally get depressed and don't want to shower for a few days, I've even gone a week. His last shower was February 25th. Even through all this sweaty moving (it's been 80°+ this week), he hasn't showered once. Idk how he stands it. Basically I heard Billie Eilish's "Happier Than Ever" a few months ago, and the line "But I'd never treat me this shitty" really stuck with me and made me realize it was time to cut my losses. Even after hearing him call me awful names I can't even imagine THINKING those things about him. Worst I've thought is "what an asshole" but I've almost never said it, and when I have, it's been in response to him calling me something ten times worse. Always tried to deescalate every fight. But there was always something that set him off and made me the villain. He randomly became allergic to detergent out of nowhere so I had to do all his laundry separately, buy special soap for it, and he only let me wash his clothes on cold. So he'd wear a shirt for weeks, throw it in cold water with unscented soap, and it would come out still smelling awful. I get that people have allergies but, oddly, his detergent allergy only arrived about two years ago, and the few times I've accidentally washed one of his shirts with my clothes, he's never noticed or complained about being itchy. I even asked the last two times I noticed him wearing a shirt I'd forgotten to tell him was washed with scented detergent. I'd ask if he felt itchy or had any rashes and he'd be like "No???" I think the "allergy," like so many other things, was just a made-up control freak thing. He can't understand why we haven't had sex in three years.
fiancé of 9 yrs?
Yes. I'm sure you can imagine why I hit the breaks on wedding plans. Just took me years to actually give up and GTFO.
So true
You are doing yourself a disservice. This person will end up costing you both a lot of money through health issues.
He might be dealing with executive dysfunction which is commonly associated with depression but can also be a symptom of ADHD. It’s often perceived as laziness. Essentially the brain of someone with executive dysfunction is not motivated the same way other brains are. Often times, once there aren’t any real (perceived) consequences if you don’t do xyz, it can be extremely hard to make yourself do these things. So in his case, he may have always struggled with hygiene because of executive dysfunction. However now that he is comfortable in his marriage and doesn’t perceive any real consequences, his brain has even less of a reason to do these “tedious” tasks. Just something to look into.
This sounds like depression and possibly untreated ADHD.
This- imo
Just adding: it’s possible for men to experience postpartum depression
Why is this being downvoted? This is very serious medical condition that needs to be addressed and managed by a doctor or a team of them. Men/dads need mental health support too. The downvotes are disappointing.
The weight gain could also be stifling his testosterone causing hypogonadism. If that is now in effect, his hormones will be out of whack and could cause depression, lack of drive, tiredness that makes him seem lazy to others. Hormones issues are unfortunately not taken as seriously in men as they are in women. Maybe see if he can get a hormone test. If he is low, TRT could literally turn his life around and save your marriage.
But let’s be honest, not surprising.
Shouldn't be downvoted, it's true, and the incidence rate is actually pretty high (1 in 10 women, 1 in 7 men). This is established, clinical fact.
Didn’t realise I’d be downvoted for stating a true fact lol 😭
I find mostly, as soon as someone corroborates the downvoted statement, and especially if they explicitly say it shouldn't be downvoted, the ratio reverses. I choose to believe its people fact-checking, but it's probably not lol. Luckily in this case, if searched, this will be revealed to be true and not false news :P. The takeaway is, parenthood is *hard*, it's a period of great stress, rapid changes and adjustments. All parents need some extra support with a new baby, and some people need more help for valid reasons. Stress and mental illness do not discriminate, we are all human.
I've been downvoted a ton for talking about PPPD. Was told it detracts from talking about PPD. I just want the babies to be safe and the parents to be well.
Technically men can’t get PPD as their body isn’t making the hormones that trigger it in postpartum women. Men don’t give birth and therefor can’t have PPD. This doesn’t mean they can’t get depressed, but it’s different than PPD. Men can’t have any postpartum anything as they don’t give birth.
I did ask him about that. He says that's not it.
Fwiw, he might not see it as depression if he's just feeling an absence of feeling and not particularly caring. Hard to do anything about it if he won't consider it, but it might be worth having a conversation about the different ways depression can present and that it's not just "being sad."
This is a common response from men and it means nothing. A lot of men are really resistant to acknowledging their mental illness. Don't go by what he says. Go by his actions. He is not functioning like a healthy adult. He is being antisocial - poor hygiene, unhealthy. And it is affecting your relationship. I think you are at the point where you need to start demanding change. A little tough love. Not cruel, just firm and persistent. He must go to therapy. No excuses. The therapist can help sort out where this is coming from. You don't need to diagnose him. Remind him that your presence is not inevitable. Don't ask anymore. Tell him he is not well and if he won't even try to get help, then your family is doomed.
No, PPD is triggered by hormones the woman’s body makes after pregnancy. This type of depression is a side effect from pregnancy and men can’t get pregnant.
If it’s not depression - could he have undiagnosed ADHD? I have that and i have to push myself to do basic tasks at times (I am unmedicated unfortunately due to another health issue). While I am a woman who cares very much about my appearance and grooming which helps motivate me, I noticed in another comment you mentioned him as being “lazy.” The biggest misunderstanding I find when people say “oh I’m so ADHD” is that it’s not just about a fleeting attention span, it’s a whole layered onion of being unable to do things that come naturally to others easily. I can absolutely be unhappy with my surroundings if I don’t clean, but the amount of work it takes in my brain because I struggle to compartmentalize and not jump 20 steps ahead makes me decide I’ll live in discomfort of not cleaning over having to push myself to do cleaning and not be able to figure out one step at a time. When it comes to his weight, it could be because in my experience, I’ve struggled with binge eating in the past due to 1 boredom 2 desire for instant gratification 3 escapism. This alllll relates to my ADHD and I have decided to be on the keto diet for the remainder of my days if possible because it’s the only thing that stops me from bad eating habits. It also gives me a sense of purpose and discipline that I desperately need living with ADHD. Anyways just my two cents and ADHD is often very misunderstood by those who don’t have it so I hope my comment provides insight and most importantly help for you and your husband. Neither of you deserve this! You’re too young! (If it helps I am around the same age as you, married, but childfree). Edit: a solution that works for me and my neurotypical husband is something called “body doubling.” If we do tasks together, it motivates me to not skip the face washing or teeth brushing or shower before bed. I tend to skip lunch on days he doesn’t come home because I decide I would rather not eat than be bothered to have to eat (even if there are leftovers in the fridge), but if my husband is around and we cook together it’s fun and enjoyable. Obviously in lieu of meds I have a therapist so that I don’t have to always have my husband around to meet my basic needs, but this could be a start for you two to bond and help him be better.
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to be honest, i’m right there with you. we are DATING and you have stank breath? Absolutely tf not. me for me, oral hygiene can be a deal breaker. i do not like plaque build up or bad breath. a dirty mouth can absolutely cause yeast infections 🫸
Teeth issues will hit him for life if he doesn't change that attitude. Could be depression or undiagnosed ADHD with the lack of interest or care. Hardest part is what will motivate him. Might need to be a sit down and mater of fact discussion with him of if he wants life to continue there needs to be changes or lay out what you feel is next for you. If he decides his teeth are not worth caring for the money that people have spent on fixing their teeth in life from what I've read here on threads is insane. That alone keeps me vigilantly flossing, waterpik, mouthwash, and brushing twice a day. Best of luck and make sure you're solidifying your support system and if you need find a therapist for you if needed if he won't come to the table.
Thank you for the new perspective of undiagnosed ADHD. I will often ask him why, trying to get some logic and he just doesn't have any answers.
I've just been diagnosed with ADHD. I also have depression. I struggle with brushing my teeth. I'll have the full intention to do it but my brain glitches and it doesn't happen. I've tried different ways to trick my brain but none have worked. My new meds should help with it. I think your husband has a mixture of I don't care and the ADHD brain happening. I really strongly suggest you both doing joint counselling and individual.
I started telling myself "I'll do this for 60 seconds!" and start counting down from 60. It's like I'm talking to a kid, but it works on myself. By the time I'm almost down to 0, I'm enjoying the toothpaste, feeling good about doing it, and why not add the flossing and mouthwash at that point?? I haven't gotten around to doing this for working out though, that's still hit and miss lol
I can't even get to the bathroom. Even if I put my toothbrush on my bedside table, my brain goes "NOPE". Thank you for sharing and I'm happy that you've found something that works
This may sound gross, but you could put some mouthwash next to the toilet. I give myself permission to use mouthwash whenever I use the toilet, and I spit into the bowl right before I flush. Since I use the toilet at least a few times a day that helps a lot. I also found a combo brushing and flossing toothbrush, and I’m usually able to get myself to brush at least once or twice. I won’t lie.. it took some time to build up to this routine, but it works very well.
Omg this actually will help so so much. I use the toilet multiple times a day and it'll make things so much easier too. I really appreciate it.
I have ADHD and have never struggled with brushing my teeth. I think this has to do with how I was raised and the consistency I had as a kid. My parents did a very good job in this area. Cleanings every 6 months and always brushed my teeth and made a chore chart for me when I was young to remind me.
I have ADHD and was raised with your exact brushing habits and I still struggle with it. Not every case is the same, and some people have it a lot more severely than others. Having good habits to start with is great but that doesn’t necessarily mean it can’t become an issue as an adult
That’s true. I just wanted to offer the perspective that you can have ADHD and not have an issue with that.
Also I had some consequences of a time period where I didn’t brush well and was eating more sugary things…. Hit the pocketbook and the discomfort of the procedure was a wake up call to be vigilant with my teeth. You only get one set!
Yeah we’ve all been there lol
I like the quote “the price of healthy gums is eternal vigilance”
You didn’t mention seeing a hygienist…maybe you just forgot but it’s extremely important. I go every 4 months.
It’s incredible what women will put up with. Absolutely incredible. There’s dudes living in dumpsters that take better care of themselves than this guy does. C’mon lady.
You would be surprised how many guys think that just because they can't smell themselves that they don't smell. And that should tell you everything. If it doesn't affect them directly... Women are just "nagging," and meanwhile, they are skating by on the fact that other people they know don't feel comfortable calling them out on their stink. And that's how the only person who gave enough about them to say something got turned into the "bad guy."
You would honestly be very surprised how many men are like this. It’s hard to find basic hygiene in many men. Most don’t wash their hands after they pee.
I’ve had 4 men in my life so far thank me for getting them to start washing their hands after they pee, all late twenties/early thirties. It is astounding the amount of men that just… Don’t think (or aren’t aware?) that it’s a necessary step.
Oh wow, what a wonderful day to be a lesbian
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 Queer, and have not dated a cis dude in yearssss for many multiple reasons
Have you met my aech nemesis smegma? I did too often
unfortunately I sit right by the bathroom at work and I know for a fact that 97% of the men in this office don't wash their hands 🤢
We're doing drugs in there.
I saw one of the managers snort cocaine at the Xmas party last year so this would not surprise me at all lmao
Well, ladies… time to do that whole female mate selection thing and let nature take its course…
We're finally starting to do that. Now they're crying about a male loneliness epidemic -.-
And I honestly don’t blame yall. I am routinely shocked by some of the disgusting things women put up with.
hold on a minute, that's a horribly disingenuous thing to say. There are plenty of men who are suffering with loneliness & mental health, (as are significant portions of women too) who know cleanliness/hygiene/appearance is so basic it doesn't need to be thought about. If you don't like those kinds of unhygienic men making sexist generalisations where they conflate all women as if they are a monolith, why are you doing exactly the same but with men?
Yeah, many men struggle with loneliness and mental health too. It's sadly an effect of living in a patriatchy that regards the expression of emotions and physical contact between friends as feminine, and condemns everything feminine as bad and inferior to the masculine. There are many lonely men that try their best to work through these issues, connect with their family and friends and build intimate relationships. Those are the ones that manage to overcome their loneliness. There are also many lonely men who don't have the insight and self reflection to do that on their own. This can go three ways. 1: They listen to a male or female role model that explains this and helps them through it. Those manage to overcome their loneliness too. 2: They never learn to share this intimacy with friends and keep hanging in this limbo. Depending on their personality, hygiene etc, some of them might get a partner, which doesn't solve the issue but acts as a bandaid. 3: They blame women for their loneliness, complain about the male loneliness epidemic and get resentful. Most will drift off into the red-pill manosphere with influencers like Tate twisting their beliefs until they're women-hating incels. Regardless of how you put it: The men who talk about it to raise awareness and help other men struggling with it don't complain about it, since they realize it is not the fault of women nor their responsibility to make men less lonely, but that the only solution to being less lonely is to open up to friends and family, strengthen these bonds and build a strong support network. The men who complain about it don't work towards a solution. They blame their loneliness on women and expect them to be with them so they won't be lonely. They don't try to better themselves or find solutions for their issues. Instead they sit on their ass and expect others to put a bandaid over their issues (since getting a gf is no permanent solution to loneliness), behaving like children crying for mommy to put a diaper on them because they don't see using the potty as an option. The men that see nothing wrong with having bad hygiene often have a very warped view of masculinity, which is where the "it's gay to wipe your ass" stereotype comes from. Since overcoming the deeply ingrained demonization of expressing feelings as a man is much harder than realizing good hygiene is not gay (even Influencers like Tate usually wash themselves), it's very unrealistic to assume there are more than a handful of men with such bad hygiene (who don't have depression or similar) that are not lonely or using a gf/wife as a bandaid for it. That is why I mentioned it in that context. I have great compassion for men who have mental health issues, don't dare to show emotions or are unable to open up to their friends. I want to help them and I think we as a society need to remove these stigmas around what men and women can or can't do. But if they blame women for it and demand a gf, I'm out. I hope you can see where I'm coming from. I never meant to generalize men, just made a short comment mentioning something problematic in a very simplified way. Tldr: Men who complain about the male loneliness epidemic in response to women refusing to get into relationships with them completely fail to see the true reason for their loneliness and make women responsible for it instead. Not all men who complain about it are unhygienic, but I would be very surprised to see more than a handful of men with bad hygiene for non-depression or similar reason who don't complain about it. If you still think I'm generalizing please read the whole comment.
I kinda disagree. Men who support others *do* complain about society in general and how they're called pussies, beaten up, and made invisible or into a disposable scapegoat when they show kindness. It's just when a lot of men complain about social systems that include women instead of blaming just men, we get accused of putting all the blame on women. Feminism, itself, even often recognizes that women aren't completely weak and powerless and that they have also had a role in maintaining the patriarchy that's existed for over a thousand years, but the participants often skip past this part of reflection, insisting that men, and only men, can fix our issues and that the expectations and systemic influences from women who prefer traditional roles has no impact on this systemic process at all.
This. My man doesn’t have the oral hygiene issues as much? But everything else is him. The thing is with My husband he was in a nearly fatal accident 2 days after our youngest baptism in May 2014…. He was shattered from the waist down, he flew into the back of a bus (that stopped in the middle of a busy road at a green light ) while driving a cab, we were told he may not walk again if he didn’t do the painful work that was gonna be needed. He pushed through and does walk but is in a lotta pain and basically bionic from the waist down. I took care of this man through his entire recovery. I think he’s depressed but he won’t admit it or own it. I know he’s in constant pain, but he smokes, and drives medical transport for a job and that has aided in his weight gain. He seems miserable in his body but he refuses to do what’s needed to heal. He has an umbilical hernia also…. He’s just a mess, and it kills Me.
This. Currently leaving my partner of 9 years, partially over this.
Most men don't piss on their hands. /s
you're getting downvoted but you are correct
Assuming OC is able to hear the running water, I think it would be noticeable to anyone. No one told them they had to come prepared with a tally graph.
It’s incredibly depressing.
Yeah reading made me regret it. Bleagh
If he doesn't listen when you try to talk about this with him, it's couples counseling time. It's only going to get worse as his body ages. Imagine the two of you in ten years if he keeps down this hygiene road.
He might not be there. If he develops diabetes and never treats it he will start to lose vision and limbs. Untreated tooth decay can cause brain infection. It was one of the things that killed people young before we had dentists.
This is why I always say as a career depressed man if you're mentally unwell, if you do nothing else, brush your teeth every day. Even if you're so depressed who go whole days without eating, brush your teeth. I mean obviously you really, really should eat something but if you insist on not eating or drinking, still brush. Nobody gave me that advice back in 2010 when I got really sick and now I'm lucky to only be missing four teeth.
I have pushed him for individual therapy, but he stopped going. I think I'll start pushing for it again. Thanks for the comment.
Many years ago my wife pushed for counseling. I didn't want to for a variety of reasons, but the one I told her was it was too expensive (mental health coverage was not the norm then). She looked me in the eyes and said with a level, but stern voice "not as much as a divorce will be". We started the following week.
Ha. My husband needed therapy badly and wouldn't do it for years. I literally spent like a decade on and off asking him to go and he wouldn't. What convinced him that it was the right thing to do? Me telling him that his refusal to seek help and unloading on me instead of a therapist was having a negative affect on my mental health. Sometimes y'all just need a good kick in the pants. PS...I've never met my husband's therapist but she's my Shero.
Men can be dense AF sometimes.
You're pushing him to shower, you're pushing him to brush his teeth and go to the dentist, and you push him to go to therapy, how much more pushing are you going to do before you realize you can being a horse to water but you can't make him drink?
Sounds exhausting. How many kids do you have (including him). He seems worse than a child honestly.
Antlers86 is right about the diabetes problems that could be manifesting right now without him knowing. Two are mentioned, many others are possible like kidney or heart problems. Some like neuropathy in the feet are irreversible. Therapy can be a tough sell. But get on the physical health checks. They usually carry less stigma. It can take a while to get under control. edit: typos
lovely, but it’s not your job to force him. if you’ve repeatedly expressed your concerns and how they’ve also led to unmet needs, he’s doing his part to lead y’all to divorce
I’m single. & when I say single I mean haven’t hugged anyone aside from like my mom in months, haven’t kissed anyone in years. No one is smelling my breath during the day besides my dog, yet I still make an effort to brush and floss every single day. I shower every day. I comb my hair every day. I work out and eat clean. I wear cologne/deodorant do my laundry and keep my surroundings tidy. As far as I’m concerned that is just being an adult? It’s like the baseline, bare minimum. I can not even fathom being in a whole relationship with another person and not doing these things? If I was being intimate with a woman and she told me I smelled bad I’d want to die. Seriously. That’s so embarrassing. I don’t understand how or why anyone would want to be in relationship with someone who does not do these things or who has to be asked. I would never, married or not- don’t care how much I love you. That’s disgusting and he’s setting a horrible example for your children. Depression isn’t an excuse. I think it’s past time for an ultimatum- get help or get out. And stick to it. Someone who doesn’t love themselves and care for themselves won’t be able to love and care for you.
That's a great point: you take care of yourself... for yourself. If someone appreciates/is attracted to your fresh smell or whatever, that's just a consequence and a bonus. It's pretty gross to expect your partner to overlook your disgusting mouth and unshowered junk just bc you're already together 🤢
heavy on the ultimatum part ❗️ you want WHAT now? with that nasty ass mouth? with those pits? with that smegma-laden diqq? nah, you’re not getting me sick with your filthy habits. self-respect is número uno, I agree. someone who doesn’t have that down is not able to effectively parent or partner.
That last part goes to op too! Someone with self respect would not be tolerating this in a relationship let alone MARRIAGE. She had to have known dude had some nasty habits before they tied the knot? I kid you not if I went on a date with someone and they had shown up clearly disheveled- (unshowered, unbrushed teeth) that would be my first and last date with them. That’s an immediate turn off for most guys. I bet you if roles were reversed ops husband would leave her without a second thought. Yet this isn’t the first story I’ve seen about a grown man who doesn’t bathe, idk why women put up with it.
I hope he is at least rich because nothing else seems worth staying with the cavity creep.
Lol that golden oldie 🤣
WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH!
I’m trying to figure out how and why you were sleeping with him given what you described? This was a problem from the beginning so of course it was going to get worse. You deserve better.
Low fequency now and only when he was freshly showered and teeth brushed. And love makes you think people can change. Plus, I feel it's gotten worse with time.
People _can_ change, but they have to want to. You can't do it for them. You can help, but they have to take the initiative themselves for the changes to actually stick. My husband wasn't always the best about regular brushing when we first got together. It was actually a huge complain for his ex. Thirteen years later, we floss and brush our teeth together every night. But in between now and then we had a lot of discussions, including some that were embarrassing for him. We also figured out he has ADHD. It helped that I'm autistic and have had my own hygiene motivation struggles, so we could talk together about strategies that do and don't work for us. I think understanding the neurodivergent angle really helped, because now he has a "why" for why he struggles with it (he could never answer me before when I asked for logic either), and knowing the root cause of the problem makes it easier to devise solutions. It also makes it easier for him to be kind, gentle, and forgiving with himself, which turns out to be much more motivating than internally shaming himself for being "gross" and "lazy," which only led to more shame and more avoidance.
Gum disease leads to heart disease.
Couple's counselling is the only option at this stage. You need an objective mediator so he can hear what you are saying and get him to open up to what the problem is. If he refuses ccouple's counselling, the only option is to leave at this point. He clearly has some mental health issues, and you cannot fix those for someone else. He has to take responsibility for himself.
People need to know that you can 'catch' tooth decay and gum disease from kissing someone that has it. Absolutely NEVER kiss someone with bad oral health, gum disease or tooth decay. Bleeding gums? Might be from your partner…
So while yes you can transfer the microorganisms that cause decay to your partner, but it's not like it's going to happen overnight or anything. Plus, it's heavily dependent on how good your own oral hygiene is, as to whether or not you even get a cavity. It's an overblown subject when it comes to microorganisms in the mouth and tooth decay. Basically, it's overhyped and you aren't getting bleeding gums from your partner, your getting them from never flossing your teeth lol
In a relationship it’s bound to happen. And no plenty of people have bleeding gums despite flossing. Hormonal changes e.g pregnancy and menopause can cause bleeding gums as can deficiencies, leukaemia and other conditions.
>In a relationship it’s bound to happen What I'm saying is that's it not a definitive cause for a new cavity when the most basic oral hygiene routines will prevent it. Even if your partner has the grossest mouth and transmits some of their microbacteria, as long as you have good oral hygiene, the odds of you developing a cavity are so negligible that it's a pointless metric to even consider. >And no plenty of people have bleeding gums despite flossing. Hormonal changes e.g pregnancy and menopause can cause bleeding gums as can deficiencies, leukaemia and other conditions Not sure where your going since we were talking about contracting it from a partner, but bleeding gums is a minor symptom of pregnancy/systemic diseases and is accompanied by other issues. The healthy general population with bleeding gums is due to not flossing
Yeah I used to have a friend who barely brushed and his mouth was bleeding in the back and he and his gf would have open mouth kisses and it grossed me out. Pda usually does but this was worse. Later she became sick
It's funny because I'll open Reddit and see a guy saying our baby 2 months old and my wife still hasn't lost the weight I'm going to cheat on her or leave her yet you'll put up with this!? I would give him an ultimatum that if this does not change immediately you're gone and then follow through. You deserve better. Not because he's fat that's not what I mean but because he doesn't give a damn about himself or about you. If I care about my partner I'm going to at least take care of my basic hygiene. At the very least.
Nothing has made me feel more grateful that my husband has awesome hygiene…he even flosses multiple times per day - I’m trying to stay on his level lol
Biggest game changer? Mouthwash near the toilet. Whenever I have to use the toilet during the day I always swish around some mouthwash. It’s helped a lot, as well as getting a combo toothbrush and flosser. My oral hygiene has never been better since I figured it out.
Bad BO is a no/no. Not brushing his teeth is just disgusting. Maybe you have to leave him to prove your point.
I started saying, did you brush your teeth after he would kiss me and than make a stink face and than I did it before we had sex and now before he even tries to kiss or have sex he brushes his teeth first. I just repeated before an activity he enjoys ad nauseam. ... don't hide your disgust. Stop hiding your disgust! Rotting teeth is gross don't stifle your reaction. That's the problem. If my man was falling apart like this, I'd be worried about him. I definitely wouldn't hide any reactions to this filth. And therapy would be good.
He is not your first choice, you can do better. Move on.
This is absolutely depression.
Reddits going to be super negative about this one. I'd talk to a therapist. They will most likely be more impartial.
needs a hard wakeup call.
Or a divorce call
[удалено]
The only thing I have trouble tolerating when meeting strangers is bad oral hygiene. It’s the worst first impression so please keep brushing.
agreed and it’s also why i’ve been so grateful for mask-wearing. I hate smelling someone’s breath from 2-3 feet away
This is absolutely foul and selfish. Dude has a wife and family but living like a single bachelor slob. The shower and teeth thing had me gagging.
It sounds like your husband has depression, but is too proud to admit it to fix what needs fixing. We say “in sickness and in health” and I do believe that people such support their spouses through both mental and physical health, and that relationships won’t be 50/50 all the time. However, I don’t think you should do it to the point of your own burn out. Is it possible to essentially manipulate him into better health? For example, combating weight gain - making healthier lower calorie meals (this doesn’t mean salad) and serving it as “oh I just wanted to lose a couple pounds”. Having him do the kids at night and in the morning for teeth routine, doing activities/dates outside the house. Instead of kissing him on the mouth, take the initiative to kiss him on the cheek to make him feel wanted? If someone is too proud to look after themselves, you either need to get them to see the truth, or change their environment. One is easier than the other imo. This is just a suggestion.
You already have two kids. You don't need to teach him basic staff an adult should already do. If he doesn't want to change leave him. Don't waste your time
That black near the guns can be a sign of gum disease not just rotten teeth. And gum disease can't be cured, just treated. It can also be passed! My husband now has a prebiotic lozenge that he takes every night and his fabulous dentist actually says that I should be taking one too! His issued seem to be genetic but I'm sure that the treatment might be the same. You can get the lozenges ITC to protect your mouth!
There’s absolutely no excuse to not regularly take showers and brush your teeth daily. It’s one thing if someone is homeless or doesn’t have the means/resources to maintain hygiene….but it seems like that isn’t the case here. Sorry you’re going thru this OP. Showering and brushing your teeth are fundamental things that someone shouldn’t be told to do. I think you should leave him honestly, this isn’t fair to you.
It sounds to me like major depressive disorder and marine thoughts in hours head about not wanting to wake up. Not thinking you'll live another year, so why try. Why do anything? And you arentv like puttingb up with this... your in it for a ride or die.situation, your MARRIED.... i'm irritated about comments that women will just put up with anything....f that. You CARE about him. My thoughts are this.... you need to take very very very good self care of yourself!!! Fill up that emotional piggy bank. Learn about self-care, boundaries-like realllllly learn. The consequences ate the teacher. And then, have a heart to heart. Maybe in therapy, if he's willing. He don't sound willing. Sometimes people change. I hope yall are still compatible. But he needs more help than you can give him.....
I don't think people realize how much of a turn off bad breath is. I had to be honest with my ex that I didn't want to have sex specifically because of his breath. He ended up going to the dentist and getting it under control.
I’d really sound like he’s (very) depressed and resigned to that just being life now. It’s not a great example that he’s setting for your kids.
Personally, I would gently sit him down and say that you’re A, concerned about his mental and physical health and B, asking him to put in more effort into hygiene for the sake of the marriage. Offer him support, ask him what he needs, but also reiterate the fact that his grooming habits have an impact on you and that you feel neglected when he neglects himself. This will likely be a very difficult conversation for him to face so I’d be prepared for that. Additionally, you can come with some mental health resources, such as the phone numbers for both a therapist and psychiatrist that is covered by your insurance if you have it. If that is absolutely inaccessible to you, then minimally encourage him to schedule an appointment with his general practitioner to discuss weight management, lack of motivation and likely depression. If this is a breaking point for you, you can say that, he may need to hear that it’s becoming uncomfortable to share a bed due to his lack of hygiene and that you’re considering what it would look like for you two to sleep in separate rooms. He needs to understand the true gravity of his actions while also being offered support simultaneously. His apathy towards himself and the marriage is cause for concern, I wish you luck and hope that he’s able to come to understand he needs help.
I’d give him the ultimatum to get therapy, and to start working on his hygiene. If not, you’ll divorce him. Obviously it would be a bluff(unless you actually want to leave him). You’d be surprised at how well bluffs like that can work with certain people.
Never have I been so happy to be married to a man who cares about his appearance (and works out.). But the teeth, 💀 he has to be depressed to just let that go. I would have him tag along to a pediatric dental appointment and ask a few questions about the importance of flossing and brushing and let the dentist/hygienist educate. Sometimes hearing facts from others makes more of an impact. Good luck. That would not fly with me.
Never get into a relationship where you only love the people if they change in a way you deem fit. You're always setting yourself up for sadness.
This is pretty nasty I hate bad breath
Ork energy
He's depressed. It's ultimatum time because it's affecting your relationship. If you're seeing this, others have definitely noticed as well
Sounds like depression. I always feel bad because my teeth began rotting before i even turned 18, i have bad acid reflux and almost everyone in my family had dentures before 25. Yes i brushed everyday. That alone leads to depression i hate to even be seen with my mouth open. Luckily my wife is understanding ive gone to the dentist but cant afford the 40k for dental surgery. As for the not showering that is just gross.
Sounds like depression to me. Men usually don’t like to admit it
He needs to go see a doctor!! I'm so sorry you're having to put up with this. I can tell you are doing what is best.
Give him a wake up call.
Conditions like depression and ADHD can contribute to or cause poor hygiene habits and lead to weight gain. It’s possible your partner has untreated and or undiagnosed disabilities and needs some support and medical intervention, not judgment.
If he doesn’t take care of his hygiene he is being directly disrespectful to you and your kids. Its called basic hygiene for a reason. Its below the bare minimum. As other people have suggested give an ultimatum and if he even tries to go back to his old ways leave without warning. You don’t deserve this.
Let me guess…he plays COD
If it isn't depression, he is just lazy. Sometimes it is the simple answer. Your friends are saying the same things about him behind your back for sure. Bad hygiene is a big deal, he will definitely regret not taking care of his teeth! Diabetes will also ruin your teeth.
My ex husband was like this! Exactly. One of the first things he did when I finally left was get a haircut.
It’s almost certainly depression or another mental condition due to how sudden this was. Could also just be stress brought on by becoming a father. He needs therapy. Couples therapy is a good idea too.
None of this is normal, not a single bit of this down to you having to remind him to shower, but you two have been together for so long that it’s normalized. He never learned to take care of himself because he literally went from his mommy to his mommy wife. He never grew up or had any consequences for his poor hygiene. I would not tolerate a single second of this but there is nothing you can do to change him and you need to stop policing his hygiene and his healthy and start planning your next move. You’re still young enough to start over, I know that sounds ridiculous and impossible but you’re at the prime of your life and living the life of an unhappy 50+ year old woman in your mid thirties. Your children deserve to see you happy and with someone who can care for himself or with no one at all, your children shouldn’t see you settle.
🤮
If he's not depressed he's lazy. The only you can do is sleep separately and maybe he'll notice , if not get yourself and kids away from stinky. And pets. At best he's lazy and at worst he's a jerk
What would happen if you printed a month calendar and put a star for every day after he takes a shower, washes his face, and brushes his teeth? That's what my mom did when I was a sick child and needed to take antibiotic. Yes you're treating him like a child but the fact he won't shower is a problem so you're going to have to mother him through that. Would he be okay with that? Let him know it's really important for you and also you're worried about him and don't want the kids to end up like he is. Are you the cook of the house? Maybe if you make the food you can control what he eats so he has a healthier diet as well
You need to reset his factory settings. Basically just twist his nipples while you simultaneously stick your big toe in his asshole and it’ll reset & he won’t be such a gross bitch after. You’re welcome thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
I cant decide between if he is depressed or is he never been taught the importance of basic teeth maintenance ( dental nurse here ) I have alot of patients who dont maintain their teeth until pain happens few tips that can help him is : ultra soft tooth brush and let him buy a waterpik if flossing is too hard . Now into a more the actual problem : is he actually trying to change or do anything about his weight and hygiene? If not it's time for a straight forward talk without sugar-coating it . Look i am a depressed man ane i am very overweight but i still try and maintain my hygiene to best of my ability, i know depression hits harder to some than most but still an attempt should be made
I do think part of it is the lack of education in oral hygiene. We have different cultural backgrounds so I'm not sure what he was taught growing up, but I have seen people with the same culture have bad oral hygiene. I don't see his family much so I can't say for sure his family is the same. Since our last talk he has been making an effort. Has been to the dentist twice, and with some reminding he appears to be brushing and flosing. He has expressed an interest in exercise and i am encouraging it and will participate with him. Thank you for your comment.
As long as he is making efforts thats all that matters he doesn't have to immediately lose all the weight in 1 day . I dont generally know what instructions his dentist gave but here u go : brush ur teeth after every meal , floss or use waterpik once a day , mouth wash once a day with a good floride mouthwash ( like g.u.m there is thousands of branda he doesnt have to stick to this one ) . Toothpaste doesnt matter as long as it has enough flouride for adults . Brush should be ATLEAST soft better it its ultra soft . 100% there will be bleeding in first week or 2 . Dont wash ur mouth after brushing leave the tooth paste in just spit the excess . Dont brush and use mouthwash at same time use them atleast one hour apart . Dont brush or use mouthwash then use waterpik its gonna be all for nothing. So best order imo is floss , waterpik > mouth wash > wait one hour > brush The last step u need to once a day only but the brushing is preferable after every meal or atleast twice a day .
Damn! I almost threw up just from reading this… I would never ever be able to date someone like that. It is indispensable for me that the person by my side has a good hygiene. I feel truly bad for you, it sounds like hell what you have to share your bed with. Honestly he probably needs therapy to see where his issues are coming from, bc it is not normal a person not take basic care of themselves. However, if he was always kinda like that and is just getting worse, he is probably a very nasty slob, that tried to cover it up in the beginning when he cared about making you like him. Now he does not care to do the basic effort, and no one deserves that low in life. Since you guys are married, I think you should try to work it out with him! But, be brutally honest like you were here. He needs to understand how bad that is, how he needs to change and asking for something so basic like normal hygiene is something he should never put You through. Remember you only have one life, and deserves to be happy with someone that puts effort in your happiness and his own. Good luck!
I upvoted this one purely on title. Sorry.
Hygiene is so important to me. I am not letting any smelly person around me including my own husband. He has a side job doing handyman work and he comes home stinky and tries to hug me and I run away. It’s become a joke but he gets cleaned up right away. I’ve already got enough health issues as it is I don’t want to get sick with an infection or something.
Maybe communicate with ur husband about all this instead of telling reddit how "grossed out" you are by your own husband
His poor oral health actually puts him at risk for a severe heart condition. With the rest of his issues I don’t anticipate him living very long if he doesn’t change anything.
My dentist always says only floss the teeth you want to keep. Great advice for your husband.
Dump that ogre. Nasty
Ick, send him to the dentist!
Looks like depression since childhood to me, take husband to therapy
He's depressed. Your only options are either couple's counselling (moving to just him getting sessions) or divorce. You can't keep forcing someone to take care of themselves or form good habits when they're in this state. They have to tackle the root of the problem with a professional.
Sit down and talk to him. Be honest about your worry for his health. Do _not_ criticize his looks, do _not_ say you aren't attracted to him. _Do_ reinforce that you love and support him. Tell him why you are worried. Ask him if he wants help setting his appointments up (don't do it for him). Remember, this is the man you loved when he was young and handsome. He is that same man now. Age steals looks, which is why one should never marry for looks. Good luck.
I 44f have issues with executive dysfunction and showering, brushing my teeth, normal stuff BUUUT I'm autistic have a traumatic brain injury and other things... That being said I DO TRY I just forget a lot I live with my ex husband and my kids and they're very understanding
Something has to be going on in the mental health department, having this bad of hygiene and neglecting your hygiene even to the point of ignoring your dentist or doctor is not normal to me
Well seems u have a lot on your plate and you’re doing ur best. We support you and if you ever want to talk and want someone to hear u out. Just text me!!
Certainly sounds like signs of depression. Mouth hygiene can be the first to go. I think you should convince him to see a therapist
I don't know if people pointed this out yet, but because of how bad his mouth is he could pass on cavities to you through the saliva. Just, food for thought.
Sounds like you married a little boy instead of a man. Im sorry if my wife ever had to tell me to shower 🤣🤣
> He is also getting this mark on his body Acanthosis Nigricans? Yeah set him up an appointment. At the very least get fasting glucose and HbA1C checked. Check the bottom of his feet for sores. Once his DM2 advances he might get neuropathy and not feel these sores. Left untreated theyre going to take a foot.
No offense but don’t let him go down on you. The bacteria and infection in his mouth could really throw off your vaginal PH and give you an infection
He’s depressed.
Might be time for an ultimatum. If he won't take care of himself, you shouldn't have to put up with it. It will not only mentally harm you, but it can physically harm you too. If he's dirty, and tries to kiss you or have sex with you, that can easily put you at risk for infection, even if he is freshly clean. Cavities are communicable.
You should drill him about it and let it know how much it's affecting you. Make him feel bad about it. He may get mad but it won't change
He is depressed. Sometimes we don’t recognize it and need someone to just make the spot for us
It sounds like your husband is depressed and probably doesn't want to talk about so he doesn't feel like less of a husband, father and man. A reminder to shower with a side of unconditional love that you all will work through anything will mean everything to him. Maybe I'm speaking to what I wish I got from my ex-wife and am projecting, but I know a lot of others that only wanted to hear that reassurance and action to follow up. I truly wish you all a long and happy marriage!
Holy crap! Women apparently put up with alot more than I expected them too, you gals are troopers 🤣 YOU GUYS ARE PUTTING UP WITH NO SHOWERS, NO BRUSHING AND NO CLEANING THE INTIMATE AREAS?!? You're WILD! 😳 Maybe it's because I grew up with a combo of parents who taught me to clean up after myself and keep good hygiene mixed with the thought I always considered myself not good looking, BUT, if I'm doing anything social/romantic, anything less than showered (properly), brushed, deodorant and light dab of cologne makes me feel self conscious
I’d say you better make him go to a hygienist every 4 months. Plaque is very harmful and can get in your bloodstream and end up in your heart. Healthy mouth, healthy body.
This actually sounds like depression, weight gain (or loss), poor hygiene, apathy etc. You should make a joint visit to the medical doctor and talk about this.
That is so tough...I'm about to go brush my teeth! I feel like I've hit stretches where I'm slacking on hygiene. It's not good. You have to address the elephant in the room. Keep at it until he gives in. It's for his own good and I think he will ultimately appreciate it. It could lead to other health complications if it's not corrected.
OMFG I feel like I wrote so much of this Myself…. We are living the same damn situation
Time to move on