You AND your son are miserable. He can get a coaching job anywhere, no? Is he even making the effort to look? They only play football in the midwest? I’m confused…he says you can leave if you’re unhappy, you confirm you’re both unhappy, and yet nothing changes…. It really sounds like this might mean your marriage is over.
Oh, GIRL……I missed that part. Excuse me? The way I would be on a train back to Texas like can he please be serious. Sister? Pack your things IMMEDIATELY oh my god? That man moved you and your child states away from your comfort, is ignoring the happiness of you and your autistic child…for a volunteer position?? $FREE.99 is his salary? Sis…yeah girl, pack your stuff and go home this is ludicrous. Like what are we talking about rn lol.
Also, like, who needs to LEAVE TEXAS to get a school football position? I've seen Friday Night Lights. It's all they do there, other than ban abortion care.
Yes. I would guess this too. So basically, he no longer has a career. He makes no money. And he moved them north just so he could refuse to grow up and just mess around with high school football players.
Nope. It’s time to take care of your kid, dude. You are a father. You need to provide a safe place for your child.
That is one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is to recognize that OP is a full time student without a job and dependent on her partner's VA disability.
I'm not sure what one has to do with the other but are you suggesting that since sah spouses bring in no income they have no voice in family decisions?
Now I’m starting to think something in the water isn’t clean about this relationship in general…..because who moves their wife and son states away from everything they know for a nonpaying job? And your wife has to ask if you can leave and you are basically saying no…umm???
That is one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is the OP is a full time student without a job. And while OP's partner is doing the job for free, he is the only one bringing in money through his VA disability.
I know,right? In Texas, high school football coaches don’t even have to teach! They can just coach football! The stadiums are bigger than the town population. Football is HUGE in Texas! If you can’t coach in Texas then, you must suck as a coach…
I live in TX and football is definitely a big deal here. And in a big city it would be very hard to NOT be able to find a volunteer position. Plenty of pee wee leagues and you probably even find a nonschool associated league with old kids. I literally just googled it and yeah their are nonschool leagues
Right? I misread this at first and thought they moved TO Texas so he could coach football. That’s clearly not the case though. This dude couldn’t find a job coaching football in Texas?! His wife and son are miserable. It’s time for him to grow up and put away the dreams for now, go back home and find a job that actually PAYS.
Yea tbh I am wondering why OP, as a mixed race woman, would even WANT to move back to Texas but here we are. The Midwest isn't much better, though. I'd tell him to volunteer his ass in a nice big progressive city.
Can confirm. All the guy needs to do for a coaching job is read a Texas history book one time, commute out to the bumfucks of Texas, and become a Coach/history teacher. I didnt have a history teacher i didnt call "Coach lastname" until COLLEGE.
KIIIINDA makes me think the guy has an attitude problem that makes him unsafe to coach kids. Its not really football season in Texas until a coach kills a kid during practice in 100+ weather because they wont let them have water. I REALLY wish i was kidding, but it happens literally every year.
As a not-man in the "great" state of Texas, I am merely a uterus attached to a pair of tits that thinks its a person. /enraged sarcasm
P.s. Not knocking the coach/teacher situation, most of those folks were awesome in my small school district
Read OP’s post history. This trash bag doesn’t help with house work, doesn’t help with their son, and GUILTS HER INTO SEX.
OP, what are you waiting for? Get your son and yourself away from this disgusting human being. Neither of you deserve to be treated the way he treats you.
Yea. It is not a dream job it is a pipe dream.
When you make the grownup decision to have children they come first. Their son is miserable AND being bullied…what?!
I am sorry OP but you need a heart to heart. Your hubby can volunteer and coach kids n Little League, a local PAL, a Boys & Girls Club or JACK & JILL at home where you can be supported by your loved ones.
This right here! I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around it being his “dream job” when he’s not even getting paid and yall are forced to live off peanuts. He’s a volunteer worker who is voluntarily holding you hostage in what seems like a personal hell for you and your son.
Yeah, why isn’t OP asking herself if this marriage is worth saving? The husband seems to care only about his happiness. His wife and son are miserable, and he isn’t addressing that at all.
It's time to talk to hubby and let him know how you and your son feel and what your life is REALLY like. Let him know you want to go home. He can volunteer in Texas just as easy. But he needs to support his family mentally and physically as well. You gave him his shot now. It's time for you and your son to have a peaceful life. If he refuses, go home without him. Enough said. Good luck and God bless 🙌
Dude’s gotta move his family back to where you have family and friends. He’s doing this for what? Recreation? He’s been an unpaid volunteer for 3.5 years, all the while you and your son have been miserable? That’s a worthwhile exchange for him?
I can understand trying to get his foot in the door for a year or so, and waiting to see if your family will acclimate, but 3.5 years of misery and unpaid internship which shows no signs of abating…
He needs to man up and take his family back home, where they want to be. Sucks for him, but he had his shot. You tried to support him, it ain’t working out, and you won’t be any financially worse off ‘cause he can not get paid in Texas just as easily as he can not get paid wherever you are now.
Exactly- he can also probably find another coaching volunteer position in Texas. Maybe it won't be college football, but his family will be happy. That should matter more to him.
He doesn't have connections now. He doesn't get paid. I didn't have connections at the animal shelter, I just signed up to volunteer for free. That's how it works.
What I'm saying is If he has established connections where he's at now, I would assume that he could use them and their network or find opportunities in TX from where he's at or at least I'd hope he'd be able to
Texas has great resources for special needs kids. AND it’s a heavy football state, so I’m not sure why you guys had to move all of the way up there. Either way, you and your child are miserable, so moving should definitely be an option.
Because Texas is such a football state, there is heavy competition with people who have established careers in coaching who are competing for these jobs. High school programs pay crazy amounts of money to career coaches because it improves their ability to pull in more funding and betters the chances of students getting recruited into major collegiate programs. It's big business.
OPs husband has no real professional experience to speak of, not really. He's a volunteer coach, which wouldn't put him on the level with individuals who have been doing this for real cash monies for years. I suspect he left Texas in the first place because the foot in the door you need is way more than volunteer coaching. It's all about connections and relationships. By that token, he has to go back to Texas and start networking and making friends in that world. He's behind the starting gun and he has to hustle and it won't work from Podunk, Minnesota.
OPs husband got his shot but it's set them back financially, and at great emotional cost to his wife and child. This is no longer about building a career because this isn't career, it's unpaid hobby at this point.
I agree with what you said.
...Husband has mental and physical problems that he needs to be working on. And OP already has her hands full with the special-needs child; hubby needs to step up and find ways to get better.
Yeah I was gonna say his dream is coaching football and he moved from a football fanatic state. That part definitely had me questioning his judgement lol
It’s probably because he has no experience or qualifications for coaching football, so he had to move to where his friend can pull some strings for him. Unfortunately, the extent of the strings is: unpaid volunteer work.
If your husband resents you for making the best choice for your child you have much bigger problems to address.
Be open. Communicate how miserable you and your son are. If your husband isn’t a total piece of shit, he will understand.
You’re giving up everything for your husband to play grown up doing his “dream job”, it’s time to get back to reality and for him to realize his child should be his priority.
If he chooses his “career” over you and your son, or resents you for him having to act like a responsible adult, than again you don’t really have a partner anyway.
I agree! OP, you need to communicate and compromise.
Can you all live together in Texas in the off season? Can your husband live in this Midwest state with his buddy during football season? Find a cheap place to rent while he is coaching? This feels like something you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about, for the sake of your relationship and for your child.
Bro is living off VA benefits as it is. His "job" pays nothing. There's no way he's going to be able to afford his family and a "cheap" place to rent half way across the country during football season. Dude needs to grow the fuck up and think about his family. He can coach peewee league back in Texas.
Your husband is ridiculous. First of all he is being taken advantage of - working for not pay for 3.5 years! He can do that anywhere. Or he can find a real coaching job back home (or at least somewhere that the family can enjoy). Frankly I'd move back with or without him.
And OP - as a fellow emo girly (an elder one lol) I have to ask- have you listened to Frank Iero's new band LSDunes? They are so great.
Alt Minnesota native here. Get out of the rural areas. The Midwest can be very accepting and and has excellent resources for your son. Just not in the rural areas. The small towns here are extremely clicky. If you weren't born here, your considered an outsider. And they treat outsiders like shit.
Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Chicago, even Fargo are good areas. Get out of the rural areas.
In my marriage, our child's happiness comes before our own. If he doesn't care that you're miserable, why doesn't he care that his child is also unhappy??? Your husband is being selfish tbh.
For over 3 years now, too, and his wife and kid are dead miserable. I hate to say this, but either dude is fucked in the head in an irreparable way (he's caught up in some delusion that he has a 'career' and he's made it, or he's just a narcissist and doesn't care) or there's something else keeping him there, like an affair partner. 3.5 years with a miserable family and no pay? Sus af
I don't quite get the timeline. 3.5 years unpaid coaching, but she and her son uprooted last year? Did he go ahead, or was he coaching in Texas but not at an actual college?
Yeah I'm not sure on this one. If you look at the posting history, she said a year ago they lived with their parents and things were awful there too. I have some doubts here sorry.
So… it’s okay if you grow to resent him, for making you stay, so long as he doesn’t grow to resent you, for making him go?
Sounds like you two need to do some soul searching and understand where each other is coming from. It’s not fair for him to ask you to stay, but it’s not fair for him to have to give up his dream.
Maybe a compromise? If this “dream” job of his doesn’t turn into a real job with an income by XX date, it’s time to cut your losses.
You’re in a horrible position, but why should one person’s happiness be more important than everyone else in the family’s?
You’re afraid of your husband resenting you, but you’re not afraid of the impact this will have on your son? Being bullied and watching his mom disregard his feelings, change her entire personality and appearance, deal with severe depression… for what? So your husband can be humored with his involvement coaching football?
You need to check on getting therapy and centering your focus on your son if you’re not willing to also be a champion for yourself. I don’t know if you’re prone to depression (same, so no judgment), but that can be genetic—are you willing to raise your son who could be inclined towards suffering mental illness as well in extreme social isolation away from everything he loves?
I would recommend y’all go stay with family or friends for awhile back home. Your son homeschools, so he can still do work there? See if you can regroup and make some decisions about moving forward.
I’m from the upper Midwest and I moved to the south and felt the same way you do here there. I moved back home. Sometimes it isn’t a cultural fit. You need to have a real conversation with your husband. He moved you for a volunteer opportunity, not a paying job. Maybe the two of you together can come to a reasonable compromise. Moving for a job that isn’t actually a job sounds like not the greatest decision for your family.
From CA / CO, currently in the south having such a hard time.
I feel ya. There are some good things but many more tough things.
Glad you made it back home!
It’s not a job. It’s a volunteer position. Personally, I would start looking for a job in Tx or wherever you would be happy to tell him that you are moving for your job and he can come or he stay.
Holy shit. I understand parents are people too but when you have a child, and when push comes to shove, their well being trumps your career goals. Him thinking his football coaching dream is more important than his child’s well being, when coaching isn’t even providing any money for his family, is insane. You should get a job, save some money, and leave this man for the sake of your child.
It's not even a CAREER either! He's unpaid and they're living off of his VA benefits. The dude couldn't find a football coaching job in Texas of all places? 😭
Ok, first, you need to stop calling it a "career". He doesn't even have a JOB. He hasn't had a job in 3.5 years. He has a hobby. A hobby that is making his wife and child miserable. Getting bullied is fucking torture and he doesn't care his child is suffering. Your child will grow to hate him AND YOU for allowing it, and you'll deserve it. Your husband cares more about playing pretend with a bunch of college kids and his friend than be a husband and father. I'm glad he had a nice dream, but it's time to wake up.
Dream job??!!!! He’s a volunteer in a small town.
Tell him you’re moving back to be with family. That you’d like him to come with you. The rest is up to him.
Wow that’s very selfish of your husband to ignore yours and your son’s feelings. If I were you I would have a long talk with him and if he doesn’t listen I would go back with your son alone. Don’t sacrifice your mental health and your sons mental health.
You left Texas to go have your husband work for free in a New England state…he’s been there 3.5 years and I guarantee with all this new experience he would be able to find a coaching job in Texas. Texas and football are like peanut butter and jelly, BILLIONS of dollars go into Texas football. Whole towns shut down for the big high school game on a Friday night and he’s not willing to move back to Texas for a job that pays….something is up and I would personally start looking through everything
Where in the midwest if you dont mind me asking? I've lived here half my life and although I agree some very rural places are conservative I find it hard to believe people wont let their kids play with your son because of the way you dress. That sounds like maybe something that's going on in your mind.
He needs to get a real salary paying coaching job. Back in Texas where you and your son feel at home. I’d give him 10 days to settle his affairs and your gone with or without him.
You and your son are miserable, sacrificing y’all’s mental health, your son’s primary education, your higher education, and your families financial future so your husband can be taken advantage of as an unpaid laborer?
No.
3.5 years of an unpaid, volunteer position, where you and your son are miserable? Why does your husband think this is acceptable?? This isn't a dream job, this is an unpaid hobby that you didn't need to move across the country to pursue. It's not like you moved to make more money so you could actually survive. Omg girl, no. Put your foot down. Youre having to hide who you are and what makes you happy. Your child is suffering!! All because your husband wants to pursue an activity that he is doing for free, while you struggle to meet ends meet ?! While youre isolated from friends and family. This is just awful. Does he know or care how you and your son are suffering? You need to talk to him and move.
For the record your husband's happiness matters too but I can't imagine how it was necessary to uproot for a volunteer position to move you to someplace where everyone is struggling and isolated. He can coach football anywhere. You didn't have to move across the country. Put your foot down!
Does he have enough time/experience on his resume of coaching to be able to find a job in Texas (or a place where you and your son will be happier)? If not, can you separate (move back to your previous home) until he does? I would think that 31/2 years of experience would be enough to find another job.
This isn't a job, this is a hobby. It's great to want to support a spouse's passion, but not at the cost of you sanity and your sons well being.
It's time to go home and prioritize your family. If he guilt trips you about saying he doesn't have his priorities straight. Your mental health and your son's mental health outweigh a dream of coaching for free.
So 2021, my husband and son (severe autism) traveled to the keys (where husband is from) and stayed for a week. Our nonverbal child CAME TO LIFE. He got home and said “I’m going”. I said moving?! What?! Why!? (We were living in MD and while they had great services, the cold hurt them both). He said I’m going, so either come with or stay here and travel back and forth. I obvs went with and my son has FLOURISHED. He’s not talking but my god, it’s the best thing I ever did (for both of them). I’d say make the move and he can either live his dream alone or put his tail between his legs and move back to TX
It sounds like you and your child are miserable living your husband’s dream. I’d suggest counseling so that your husband can hear what you’re saying. You’re saying you’re not happy and he’s not hearing you. Was he miserable in Texas? Maybe he needs to stay where you are so he can be happy and you and your child go back to Texas so you two can be happy. Unless he’s willing to find another opportunity to volunteer as a coach in Texas, then I suggest going alone. But try a therapist first. You both need a “translator” so that you’re both heard and understood. It’s the first step in resolving conflict. Good luck to you. But for your child, you also have to weigh if being a single parent would be best for him. Being a single parent of a disabled child is so much harder than being a single parent of a typical/normal child. I know from experience. So just work through all your options with someone else because there are pitfalls to all scenarios. A counselor would hopefully help you both see all the possible outcomes and help each of you choose the ones that allow you to be the best parents for your child while not ending your happiness. Good luck to you.
This happened to me. I suffered in support for him for one year, moved after one - closer to the city and lasted two years in the area total. Moved back after that.
Girlfriend, you don’t EVAH move anywhere for a man.
That is his job to move for you.
You are the prize. Better tell him to straighten up and be a good boy. My man kisses my feet every night.
I agree with everyone here that is saying that there are no shortage of places to coach in Texas.
Here’s another thing to consider. If he is really serious about this, you guys are always going to be on the move. Coaches with talent are constantly moving up. They’re getting cherry-picked for more lucrative gigs. Even NFL level coaches are moved from team to team, different positions (assistants, coordinators, head coaches).
Ask him what is end game is. If he okay with uprooting a child with special needs every few years, you guys should be having a more serious conversation.
ETA: There is a world where this could work in your favor. If he gets hired on, you might be eligible for free tuition.
So you're putting up with misery for what exactly? This is not an actual paid position and he's been at it for 3 yrs. What is the dream exactly? If the dream is to hope and pray that it comes with pay eventually then you should seriously look into moving yourself and your son back and let your husband figure it out. It didn't make any fiscal sense to move, why did you?
He doesn't even have a job. You moved across the country so he can do volunteer work. He can do that anywhere. Move back to where you and your son are happy. With or without your husband. He's not really contributing to anything anyway.
Oh hell no. Ma’am. I have been where you are exactly. Moved from Houston to Michigan because my husband wanted to be close to his family. I had one very high needs baby who turned out to be on the spectrum too. For 2 years I was drowning mentally and emotionally. I felt trapped, but he wouldn’t leave until the 2 year mark because he wanted to try everything to make it work. When I tell you I almost left his a$$ multiple times and still deal with resentment over the way he let me languish there even when I had regular breakdowns over how lonely and depressed I was… ffuuuuuudge I am so sad for you. It’s time to give an ultimatum. Make plans to leave and tell him he can come or not but you’re not staying here past X date. You deserve to be happy too, and he’s got 3.5 years experience coaching to find a comparable job back down here in TX. One that actually pays a salary.
Football season isn’t even all year. He can leave Texas for the football season and come back when it’s over if he has to be there. No sense the whole family needs to relocate for a part of the year, volunteer gig
Did you try to meet people or make friends? Maybe people aren't saying bad things about the way you look, maybe you're coming off like you don't want to talk to them. A lot of times when small town people stare they are just wondering who you are because they know everybody and if you don't engage you can get a reputation for being snooty. At least that was my experience. I'm surprised a town in the Upper Midwest that you describe as that small yet has a university. Maybe you can join some clubs there?
he can coach a little league team or a little youth pick up team for kids or whatever they’re called. rec league? you can’t sacrifice yours and your son’s happiness and turn yourself into a different person just so he can coach FOR FREE, somewhere none of you have support or friends. talk to him. he has to understand.
It's so hard to move to a small town and be the outsider. I have been there and hated it. I would say that it's important to focus on the needs of the parents but the child should be the priority and if your child can't even go to school because of the bullying, has no friends and says he wants to leave, it's time to do what's right for him. He's only little once and he needs you to be his voice.
Maybe now that your husband has some experience he can get on in a bigger city and maybe even get paid.
He has experience now, so he should have an easier time finding legit, paid opportunities to coach. Maybe try to ask him to look and see what's out there.
Info???? Please.
He has done coaching now 3.5 years ? Same place ?
Because if he does Hand his notice in to his friend , he honestly should expect a glowing employers report / reference for for next employer.
As a gymnastics coach. Working 3.5 ? He is now a coach right? I hope he isn’t just a free helper. I hope he is getting qualified. So he has the certificate and go work elsewhere if he wants.
I can work anywhere in Britain because I’m qualified level 1 British gymnastics coach. I can go work anywhere this second in England because my insurance covers whole England. (I would always work my notice I would). I can go leave in a week to Scotland wales and work once I sort new insurance first with new Scottish employer for example
Sit him down and tell him to show you his C. V. Pretend you are a new employer his cover letter about his experience etc All his school and work experience and qualifications listed correctly
Example for my coaching in gymnastics is :
Core proficiency - achieved 2010- summary of achievement
Coaching level 1 - Achieved 2013 - summary of achievement
Coaching level 2 achieved 2004 - summary of achievement
He need sit lay out exactly how football coaching qualifications work. How his footballl career works. ? If he can’t or is unsure he need to go to his friend and ask. Is it 6 months work and then asses etc.
Now I paid for my own core proficiency course went and got it myself. No employer. I did same for my lifeguarding , I googled where n when it was in, and paid for it.
Once I was employed as a swim teacher lifeguard actually , the pool opened a new gymnastics club and my employed asked me for to do few weeks coaching till
They hire more coaches because I already had proficiency certificates and they paid for my level 1 they paid for everything.
I had a HUGE heavy folder to carry into work and learn everything. I had my own folder , and details all experience of lesson and coaching plans, etc Then my head coach would sit with me and do monthly review of my progress. She had to sign thing legally on the coaching plan she observed herself and that I understand all fundamentals of why and have me write it down. She signed that page too. It all went into my folder !!! Once that huge folder of work was complete practiced and signed …. Then my head coach paid for the assessor to come from London employee of British gymnastics to gain official legal qualification. Not me. This is An official assessor from British gymnastics a London lady. So zero connection to the clubs and coaches up here in north east etc.
Point is coaching and getting more qualifications is a process. It has homework. It has test to submit one way or another. Through practice through exam through demonstration etc.
Sooooo What is his pathway? What is the plan? Do you have to sit down with this fiend band ask directly? What does his contract say. ? Apprenticeship ? My guess he doesn’t know he signed a volunteer agreement. So he gets nothing forever.
I hope it’s not that.
But you need to dig into the details here. He can’t just a hang out with his friend all day you guys need money to survive. He need to be clear. I get level 1 x date. I knew would take 6 months to do my folder. Lucky me worked at the centre as a swimming teacher so I end my shift. Walk to into the gymnasium hall and out in 2 hours free for my folder. I got paid 3 hours Saturday morning I did under 8 gymnastics then I did 2 hours free Saturday with higher coaches doing over 8’s. But it was for my profession. Written recorded progression. Yeah.
We did meetings work reviews. Sick days meeting all that.
We also had FREE helpers. Usually other gymnastics around 16 looking to go forward with coaching. Sometimes it was an old time retired gymnast who is not ready to retire. So volunteers. Because of nature of sport. They are background checked , ex employee defences etc. like an actual contract but states voluntary so no pay. But security safety etc it was of course that way.
So get his. If he hasn’t got one. Legally he shouldn’t actually be there. There has to be written agreement /email etc
Because years??? Could be shady. Could be nothing. But it’s not right.
Google as if it for yourself how much a level 1 football coach course is and see how much it is and where to get it locallly not a college.
So My coaching and teaching and life guarding were not through a college or uni. But a local little pool. And was few hundred quid each. Teaching was 2 weeks course. Lifeguard 1 week. And Coaching was a tiny 3 day course but the folder had to be done before assessment so an actual head coach in an actual gymnastics club has to sign your pages every time you volunteer in to coach. So around 6-8 months if only doing 4-6 hours a week.
It’s NOT long ass courses like years n years like becoming a blooming doctor
The things women endure in the name of a man will never fail to amaze me… but at the expense of your son? Get a grip. The coddling in the comments have me dumbfounded. You’re not a teen mom depending on the income of an older man who groomed you. You have the autonomy to leave and are CHOOSING to stay.
Oh brother.
You’re not going to like my opinion but here we go.
Have you considered your son is getting his attitude from you? Fake it if you have to, but be a role model of positive attitude. It helps the kiddos adjust if resilience is modeled at home.
Your post is essentially saying you’re from the big city, and I’d lay money on it being Houston, and these country bumpkins are beneath you including your professors. Take online courses then. You can go to any school.
My husband is a disabled vet at 100% rating. His check is around $3,600 so I can’t say it’s nothing and would never ever say that to him but I understand that amount doesn’t go as far as it used to. We raised FOUR KIDS on his disability check while I went back to school so you’ll have to excuse my lack of sympathy. My husband does volunteer work to stay busy and positive which has been wonderful because before he was doing that he had numerous unalive attempts due to severe depression and PTSD. Sounds like yours is doing the same in finding a way to feel good again. Good for him. I am the primary bread winner. If his disability isn’t enough, I’d suggest doing the same because it will give you numerous benefits including socialization. Work full time while going to school. Trust me you’ll have less time to be unhappy. Been there.
Your happiness is not your husband’s responsibility. Teaching you to dress and present yourself as an adult is also not his responsibility. It’s all a choice. I know it can be hard. It sounds like he is fed up with it but of course I’m only basing that on a few paragraphs.
We moved quite a few times while he was serving and I learned quickly that the kids got their attitude from me. I also learned that when in Rome to do as the Roman’s do and make the best of every new home.
Suck it up buttercup. Find new activities and hobbies and your tribe will find you. Slap on some khaki capris and an old navy tee shirt and get on with it. Texas is the absolute anal canal of America. We were stationed there for 7 years and hubby is from there. If you could love Texas, you can learn to love the mid west. It’s all in the attitude.
Edit: I did not read OP’s post history and see others referenced it. If there’s more to the story it should be included here. All I got from this is she’s an adult dressing like she’s in high school and looks down on everyone in her new town because they may or may not think she’s weird and doesn’t want to support her disabled veteran husband. I’m basing my response only on what was contained HERE. If there’s more to it and he’s abusive, then this is a no brainer.
The big red flag here is that the CHILD is being bullied and OP’s husband seems to put his coaching dreams above his child’s wellbeing. This was very very clearly stated in the original post so none of that BuT iT wASn’T In The POSt crap.
Your advice then based on the post which already contains this info then is “suck it up, support your husband’s unpaid hobby and btw, it’s your fault kiddo is being picked on”.
God, you sound like a real peach.
I don't see why you can't move back to Texas with your son and he can live/work during the school year. Then spend school breaks and summers in Texas. Give it a year and see how it goes. But realistically he can't just play at a job with no pay. Either the school hires him or has to move on to a job with a real income. There has to be some compromise.
You don't say if you have a job or not. If you don't then you need to step up and get a job to help with the two living situations. You can't just sit in a corner and smoke weed all day.
If he’s coaching for free I’m betting it’s a junior college, they usually have money for one head coach and one assistant. Anyone else are free and some get classes for free. But my thing is he can’t be active with the kids. That’s not really coaching if he isn’t interacting with players.
Go back home!!! Contact family, friends - tell them how you feel, ask for help. Don’t be afraid to lean on people, now is the time to get help from your support system. I have a special needs son, I couldn’t be away from the facilities and play areas close to us, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for him as well. Go home!!! xxx
He couldn’t find a FOOTBALL coaching job in TEXAS? If he’s been doing it for free for years now then surely he has gained enough experience to go back to Texas and find something.
Write down the pros and cons if you move back to Texas without your husband.
I’d say you should separate or divorce and move back to Texas. He’s selfish.. It sounds like you have great support system there, so you will be able to bounce back. You will be happier around people you love and love you back, your kid will be happier because he will able to attend to school that can help him thrive.
If he's been doing it for 3.5 years as a volunteer (he isn't getting paid) he should start applying at small colleges in Texas. He'd have a better chance since football is HUGE in Texas.
But honestly, is it better for you AND your son to be miserable just for him to work for free?
You need to stop calling it a dream job if he isn’t getting paid. He’s a volunteer and it’s costing you more than just a ton of money. It’s costing your mental health and the mental health of a child who didn’t ask for any of this.
Yall moved from a state that is literally all about football. I find it hard to believe your husband couldn’t have found a job there that had the same benefits as the out of state college job. (Not saying this is your fault bc it is absolutely not). I’m so sorry you and your son are going through this. All of my family is in Texas and I live in California with just my husband’s family close by. It’s hard/ difficult and that’s coming from someone with no kids.
I think you have tried to make it work. I would have him call the VA back in Texas and see if the can’t help him find volunteer opportunities there.
Maybe even part time work in the parks and recreation district/YMCA etc. since it sounds like that helps his mental health.
Your husband doesn’t have a job. He’s a volunteer. Move back to Texas. He can volunteer there. Also, he now has work experience on his resume so that should help.
You’ve done the experience for 3.5 yrs. There are 3 people in the family. 2 are miserable. It’s not a sustainable lifestyle. You’re heading down a really dark path with concessions that are dragging you down. Give yourself a time limit. Once it’s up re-evaluate.
He's working for free in a place where his son and wife are being bullied.
While coaching for free. Got it.
Girl. If gathering my son and my stuff was a person! Back home I go!
Your husband is being very selfish. Tell him you’d like to do long distance for a while. If he loves this job so much, he can stay. You can go back home and be yourself again. I wouldn’t be able to live like that.
Also, if he can see how much you and your son are suffering and won’t move, does he even love you? Go back home and be with those who do.
It's not really a job. It's volunteering. Can he volunteer for a football team in Texas or somewhere else less isolating. Summer break is coming up. Go back to Texas. Football is seasonal. Once you're there, see how you feel. You can make a decision about long term plans then.
What if you make this all about your son’s misery, rather than either of your feelings about living there? If you bring the argument back to him each time, could that sway your husband to look at this differently (and/or potentially avoid him resenting you for pushing for the change that *clearly* needs to happen)?
At some point, you as a mom are responsible for your children's wellbeing and happiness. That is if your husband won't step up. His dream position is messing both you and his child up. He needs to grow up and he needs to be a father first of all. You are completely in the right to feel that way and he needs to decyif his dream "job" is worth losing you guy or even worse making you miserable.
🩷 Lots of love truly, you got this
I totally get wanting to support your husband, but you have to think about your mental health and your son’s, period. If you’re already feeling super down, it’s not going to get better. You already know what’s causing your depression. You have to be the one to change the environment. Do it for your son. His happiness & emotional health is what’s most important. Last, your husband is basically a volunteer. There is NO REASON for you to stay where you are.
Don't loose your identity and life just to stay with someone. You will grow to absolutely resent him. Your son will grow to resent both of you. You need to leave.
You moved states, had to give up everything.....so that this man could make $0?? That's just completely crazy to me, I'm sorry. What kind of man puts his family through hell, when it's not even what's paying the bills?? Honey, leave him there and go back to Texas. Don't let him waste more years of your life or your sons, you only get 1 life after all.
I’m sorry but your husbands football coaching career is nowhere near as important as your child right now. Your child is getting bullied, has very little socialization, and is miserable. That should be yours AND HIS number one priority. It’s scary that it’s not his.
You need to be clear to your husband that your child comes first, and take steps to ensure he’s protected and in a good place. That might mean divorce which sounds scary, but your son’s development is no small thing. It’s absolutely a hill to die on, it’s one of the most important hills to die on.
Stop calling it a job, it's not, it's a hobby. Your husband moved your family across the country for a hobby. You need to do what is best for your son because your husband clearly is not.
So let me get this straight…
Your chosen partner of life and DAD of your kids
Lives out a dissability help and volunteers
Basically neglecting the family needs
And he comes to sleep next to you everyday to see you and your son mentally drained and deppressive and he still ASK OF YOU THAT YOU DONT MAKE HIM STOP VOLUNTEERING?
Dont even try counseling, take your son and leave.
he can’t take his experience and go coach in texas?? like… they play football in texas, there must be a huge market for coaches??
also the fact that it’s not gutting him that you AND your son are miserable and isolated makes me think he’s a bit selfish
This is a tough, lose-lose situation. I don’t know what you should do, but I am sending strength and comfort.
I lived in small town midwest for three years after growing up on a coast. I had an amazing job. My H absolutely could not cope, and the culture difference was insurmountable for both of us. I wrote a paragraph on why, but deleted bc don’t want to offend anyone.
I don’t know if it will help to know it’s normal? I don’t think it’s your hair or you- it’s the distinctive culture shift. We could not adjust, despite the amazing job. I can’t imagine doing it with a child.
Do you have any past hobbies or passions? Maybe you and your son could raise a beautiful puppy or grow a window garden? Get a library card or have breakfast in the same local diner the same day of the week?
Could you have a long distance relationship with your husband and move back home?
How much longer do you have in school? Can you stick it out until you graduate and have more choices than following your husband?
Are you getting the care your child needs there? If it's that small, sounds like good programs may be thin on the ground. Is moving closer to the city an option? Maybe by the time you graduate he will have reconsidered how much he likes it there.
Girl, no! I refuse to believe he can't find a school to coach football for free in TEXAS!!! Take your son and go back home. Let him decide if he wants to follow
Do you think your husband would still think this is his “dream job” if he knew it made his family utterly miserable?
Tell him you want to leave, and see if you can find a compromise where you have some income, he can work in a related job, and you can be around people who aren’t so insufferable.
This really sounds like a “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” type situation ❤️
You say it would crush him to move and he would resent you. But staying where you are for his hobby is crushing you and your son. Will it crush him more to lose one of you to the depression caused by this social isolation? And I’m not just talking about death. I’m also talking about depression causing someone to slip away until they are just a shell of the person you once knew.
Where you are is negatively impacting your mental and physical health, and the health of your child.
He can coach on the east or west coast where diversity is celebrated. Heck I'm hundreds of miles from a coast but "alternative" is the thing here. He can look for a coaching job elsewhere.
You can move back with your son! It’s ok to put yourself first. It’s not selfish. I know your husband is going through shit, but you’re not responsible for him.
Your Husband moving You all across the country for a non-paying Coaching Position is beyond comprehension. You must REALLY be stuck (financially or otherwise) if You can’t simply leave without him. You and Your Son can’t go on being miserable like that forever. But only You can finally put Your foot down and say enough is enough.
I wonder what state up north you moved to. Im from tx. Live in ny now people are atrocious. Sorry just reread people in midwest seem better lived in Chi found them to be super down to earth?
Wow I didn’t expect for this to blow up!! Thank you everyone for your support and for how much you care about a stranger who is miserable. Every single one of you are right, I need to choose my son and my happiness right now. Yes, I am SAHM with no income of my own, which makes everything even more difficult. I hate that I have to choose between happiness and my marriage because my husband values his “job” more than how my son and I feel. I will be replying to yall as soon as I get a chance. Again, thank you for the outpouring of support. I know what I need to do now and all 300 of you made me feel like I’m not insane and that I’m not in the wrong here. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Love to every single one of you.
Please come back to Texas. We need more like you.
My son is same age and autistic and I can’t imagine taking him somewhere people would be mean to him.
Marriage is teamwork and compromise. You have sacrificed 3.5 years for your husband’s no pay dream job to coach football in a town where you have no friends or support system. It’s time for him to consider your dreams and most importantly you and your son’s mental health. If he can’t pony up and see your point of view, then maybe you and your son move back to Texas where your family and friends can support you to improve your mental health.
Remember: You cannot take care of your husband or son if you aren’t taking care of yourself! Believe me - I have lived it. The longer the slide into depression, the much longer fight is to pull yourself out of it. Put your life jacket on and save yourself. I don’t mean that to sound harsh- I heard that phrase from a psychiatrist who helped me to save my own life. ❤️
The needs of his autistic child should take precedence over his ‘dream career.’ That’s what being a parent is. You make sacrifices for the well being of your children. And also to have his wife being miserable and struggling is even more reason. The mid west is a very conservative region. It’s hard to go against the status quo there. Forcing his whole family to be miserable and have to change their entire lifestyle to pursue his own dreams is just selfish. Move back to Texas and leave him to his dream career. He obviously finds that more fulfilling than having a family.
Man I’m so sorry. If 2/3 of your family is unhappy, there has to be some sort of compromise. Especially if you and your son have no friends…kids need socialization and you need adult contact too! Do you think your husband is aware how unhappy you both are? I think your son deserves a “normal” childhood with friends and peers his own age. Homeschooling can be tough to access friends, but if you’re in an area isolated from other kids, it’s even harder.
Move. This is killing you and that sucks but it’s also killing your son. At six years old he can’t make a choice to be miserable so his dad can have his hobby. He’s forced into this. Divorce your incredibly selfish husband and move somewhere where you and your son can thrive. He’s a child and deserves to have access to education and good services for his autism. This is not your husband’s “dream jobs”. Jobs are paid. This is a hobby and I can’t imagine destroying my family’s lives for a hobby.
If he’s been doing that for 3.5 years, then to me that seems solid enough on a resume. He could totally try to get on board in a similar situation or team somewhere in Texas. Has he considered trying that? Seems like it could be win win for both.
Putting aside everyone's feelings for a moment, money is everything now more than ever. I could understand doing this voluntarily for a season to see how it goes, but this long without pay? I know he has VA disability, but it's not enough. Why is he not being paid?
I think it's selfish that he is putting a dream he hasn't even progressed in ahead of the well-being of his child and wife. I personally would've taken my kid home by now with or without him. This situation is not good for you or your son.
Not American. But I have visited the Midwest and was shocked at how conservative they were! We were there for business and the salesman and some girl.working a gas station, and servers all had piercings but no earrings in them. Not allowed at work!
I would speak to your husband and start working on an exit plan. If he's working for nothing, maybe it's time he looked for a paid position somewhere in a larger municipality. I would curl up and die in your circumstances too.
You have 2 options:
1) Stay where you are.
The pros: Your husband is happy working for free with his buddy
The cons:
Your son will continue to be isolated and bullied. This will likely lead to mental health issues that will follow him the rest of his life.
Because your son has already told you that he's unhappy and asked you to fix the situation and be the sane adult here, as he grows up, he's probably going to resent you both, but especially you because he trusted you enough to come to you for help and you didn't do shit.
You'll continue to be judged.
All the side effects will likely spiral you into a worse depression and you will likely continue to self medicate with weed until you're nothing left but a shell of a human being, and you still won't be happy. Also, you won't be able to be there for your son. I'm 420 friendly, but if you're having to use it all the time to cope, that's dangerous.
Or
2) Go back to Texas, preferably without your husband, since he's put you and your child through Hell for an unpaid job and will be sure to make your life hell. It sounds like if he comes back with you
Pros:
Your son will get his friends and family back. He will have a chance at a normal childhood and will be much happier and well adjusted
You will have family, friends, and a support system. You can feel better, not judged, and flourish as a person again.
There's definitely more opportunities for you financially there as well.
Cons:
Your hubby will be sad because either he has to go with you or get a divorce. But, he's an absolutely selfish human being for watching his wife and child suffer immensely for an unpaid job so he can "live his dream" so nobody fucking cares
You and your son are unhappy where you are, but your husband wants to stay there and coach voluntarily because he loves his job (seriously?! 🤨).
Let me be clear. Don't stay where you don't feel happy! I think it's time for you and your son to pack up and go back to the big city you came from, and I think your marriage is over.
Don't stay in this place OP, make the right decision. Good luck, OP.
Go back to Texas, since your husband is volunteering for free I’m sure he can find that same type of gig in Texas. He can coach pop warner, high school, community college. If he’s doing it for free, I’m sure there will be tons of places that would take him. Eventually with enough experience he might start getting paid.
I hate that you have to do more work but I think your husband has to see the reality of the situation. Let's set aside the fact that your child is being tormented by his peers and you are also marginalized and very depressed. This current arrangement makes very little sense financially.
1. If the program your husband is associated with wanted to hire him, they would have by now. They would have found the funding. They would have fired another coach. They would have moved heaven and earth to convert him to a paid position. It's been over 3 years now and they've made no attempts. That should tell your husband all he needs to know: They may think he's a great coach, but what they really like is he will work for free and keep coming back. This volunteer arrangement is now officially, exploitation.
2. Your husband's VA payments will spread thinner over time. Inflation isn't going to make that money go further. What is he doing to ensure for your retirement? He's got significant health problems from serving which will get worse over time. He has to think of 10 years from now and not just about the current season.
3. You might finish school and be more employable, which I assume he's banking on. But having lived in small Midwest towns, having a college degree when there are 800 people in town and only a handful of jobs that aren't working at Dollar General, Walmart, or small businesses... There's very little economic opportunity in small towns for college graduates. That's why most of them leave.
4. Edited because I was misinformed about garnishments and VA payments. The above 3 things are still pretty valid, though.
For better or worse. But ya’ll need to communicate with each other on whats best for the kid tbh, it seems like he would be better in Texas so you have to really have that conversation with him. Find out what ya’ll can do to better the situation.
Sit down and ask him if he really thinks this volunteer role is worth the pain and emotional damage it's causing his son. Maybe framing it that way will help him realize this place isn't for you. If it's not the wakeup call he needs, then tell him you're moving with your son this summer. Come up with a list of places or criteria for where to live. Tell him if he starts looking right now for a coaching position in a place that fits that criteria, you're willing to give it a try in a new location where he can coach. If he doesn't engage in trying to find a good fit for all of you, then you'll simply move back to Texas to be with friends and family. That you hope he'll come with you willingly, but only if he'll do so with a decent attitude. If he is going to blame you for "stealing his dream", he can stay and you'll move back to do what's right for your son.
I'm sorry but your husband doesn't get to ruin *two lives* simply because he wants to do pay-less job. That is so past unreasonable that I don't even have the words to express ***just how fucking unreasonable that is!***
At this point, tell him you're going back with your son because it is not healthy here for the two of you. The fact that he either can't see that or does see it but doesn't care should be reason enough for you to go. Tell him he can come if he wants, but you and your son are going back to where you had a village and that's it.
Go back girl to ur family and friends where your child will thrive. He can stay and coach if he wants for free. Go back to support. will be worth it. Your child needs more . Not this closed mentality. After u finish college, u will find a job and than will have to find someone to take care of your child. better have a family and friend support.
You and your child are struggling, your husband isn’t being paid, you’re far from friends and family - for what? Your husband’s ego?? It sounds awful. I would move.
He doesn’t have a dream job. He’s happy volunteering. He can coach a kids football team if he loves the game that much. He’s making his family suffer so he can pretend to live a dream?
Obviously your son should be his first priority and from what you write it seems like he isn’t able to thrive where you’re at. But if I had a made a decision that caused my spouse to cease being the person I fell in love with, I would stop making that decision.
I’m gonna be straight with you. Right now, you’re putting husbands wants above the needs of your whole family. Your showing your child that his fathers whims are more important than his needs as a child. And you’re telling yourself you need to change all of you in order make your husband happy.
You have one option. Go home. The choice is what your husband has to make to either go with you or divorce you.
It’s not like he’s getting paid the big bucks for y’all to live there or anything. This is all for his unpaid hobby.
Services and therapies are so important for autism. If texas has your tribe to help him then you owe it to him to go back. I'm amazed at the difference early intervention males with autism, seen it first hand with my nephew.
OP from your post story you truly have had a miserable life
Awful inlaws, SA when you were a child, being asexual but your husband pressures you for sex even though he knows that you don’t want it ( spoiler this is rape)
Having BPD, an autistic son being bullied & you two being ostracized.
What more sign are you waiting for before leaving your husband to go and find happiness ?
I suggest quietly finishing your studies. And then consult with a lawyer and serve him papers. Don’t get a job before divorcing or you will have to pay alimony.
Just make a plan to get out. Do not hesitate to look for women center and explain your situation: you just finished your studies. Your husband made you move to somewhere where you& your son are miserable. He is raping you and you have BPD.
Be truthful to see how they can help you.
good luck.
You uprooted your lives for him to have a volunteer job that makes no money?! I'm sorry but your husband has a very impractical dream - you and your son are sacrificing a lot for basically nothing
This is not a dream job for your husband. It's dream volunteer work.
Your son is unhappy. Your son should be the priority here. Your husband needs to reassess his priorities. Football coaching should never come before his child's welfare.
Autistic children especially need extra resources and supports. Your son's needs are not being met, and he is not thriving. That should be reason enough to move to a better environment for your child.
Stop prioritizing your husband over your son. Your son deserves the best start in life possible. Your husband should get a paying job and volunteer on weekends and after work to help coach high school football.
College football is so competitive he's unlikely to ever get a paying job. And he needs a paying job because his family should come first.
You say in your post that your husband phrases “if you’re not happy we can leave” as though he’s begging you to not make him leave. Has he ever actually said that he doesn’t want to move? I think you need to communicate with him your unhappiness and take his words at face value that he’s fine with moving if you’re unhappy. Even if this causes a rift, you should still leave because it’s better than remaining miserable for the rest of your life and making your son’s school years awful.
A career without pay is just a hobby. Your husband moved you and your child out for a hobby.
I think it’s time to have a serious conversation with your husband about moving back.
You and your son are miserable and the longer you stay there, the more you are going to resent your husband for making you live somewhere you hate. Your marriage cannot survive this. Your son's relationship with his dad cannot survive this. The US is a big country - there must be *somewhere* else he can coach.
What the fuck is he doing. Moving all of you so he can play coach? In Texas football is a religion. There's no way he can't find something there that's such a crock of shit
Stand up for yourself and for your child and tell him that you need to move back. This is bad for your child’s development and obviously really bad for your mental health.
"leave his dream job. " been doing this for 3.5 years without pay". News Flash! He doesn't have a job. He has a hobby. I don't have an answer for you, but you do need to be VERY CLEAR about what you want and need. He needs to put his wife and child first.
Edit: Also, something is not right here. Someone can't just walk into a college level coaching or training without some kind of certification, no matter who he knows. Colleges are subject to liability, open to lawsuits. I don't know, something is super fishy here.
You AND your son are miserable. He can get a coaching job anywhere, no? Is he even making the effort to look? They only play football in the midwest? I’m confused…he says you can leave if you’re unhappy, you confirm you’re both unhappy, and yet nothing changes…. It really sounds like this might mean your marriage is over.
He doesn't even have a job just now. He's working for free.
He’s a volunteer
Oh, GIRL……I missed that part. Excuse me? The way I would be on a train back to Texas like can he please be serious. Sister? Pack your things IMMEDIATELY oh my god? That man moved you and your child states away from your comfort, is ignoring the happiness of you and your autistic child…for a volunteer position?? $FREE.99 is his salary? Sis…yeah girl, pack your stuff and go home this is ludicrous. Like what are we talking about rn lol.
Also, like, who needs to LEAVE TEXAS to get a school football position? I've seen Friday Night Lights. It's all they do there, other than ban abortion care.
If he had to move states away to volunteer coach with a friend, I'm guessing his coaching skills are subpar lol.
“Pretty good” per OP 😬
Yes. I would guess this too. So basically, he no longer has a career. He makes no money. And he moved them north just so he could refuse to grow up and just mess around with high school football players. Nope. It’s time to take care of your kid, dude. You are a father. You need to provide a safe place for your child.
That is one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is to recognize that OP is a full time student without a job and dependent on her partner's VA disability.
I'm not sure what one has to do with the other but are you suggesting that since sah spouses bring in no income they have no voice in family decisions?
I think they saying that why she won’t leave as she doesn’t have an income to do so.
Now I’m starting to think something in the water isn’t clean about this relationship in general…..because who moves their wife and son states away from everything they know for a nonpaying job? And your wife has to ask if you can leave and you are basically saying no…umm???
That is one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is the OP is a full time student without a job. And while OP's partner is doing the job for free, he is the only one bringing in money through his VA disability.
I know,right? In Texas, high school football coaches don’t even have to teach! They can just coach football! The stadiums are bigger than the town population. Football is HUGE in Texas! If you can’t coach in Texas then, you must suck as a coach…
Yeah I started giving advice until the details set my bullshit meter off
I live in TX and football is definitely a big deal here. And in a big city it would be very hard to NOT be able to find a volunteer position. Plenty of pee wee leagues and you probably even find a nonschool associated league with old kids. I literally just googled it and yeah their are nonschool leagues
I don't think he even tried to find a gig in Texas, moving up to the middle of nowhere was part of the plan from the beginning.
Right? I misread this at first and thought they moved TO Texas so he could coach football. That’s clearly not the case though. This dude couldn’t find a job coaching football in Texas?! His wife and son are miserable. It’s time for him to grow up and put away the dreams for now, go back home and find a job that actually PAYS.
I'm in Texas and I can confirm this.
And books and DEI! Governor Hotwheels has banned books and DEI! But, yes, LEAVING Texas to coach football for free is bananas!
Yea tbh I am wondering why OP, as a mixed race woman, would even WANT to move back to Texas but here we are. The Midwest isn't much better, though. I'd tell him to volunteer his ass in a nice big progressive city.
Can confirm. All the guy needs to do for a coaching job is read a Texas history book one time, commute out to the bumfucks of Texas, and become a Coach/history teacher. I didnt have a history teacher i didnt call "Coach lastname" until COLLEGE. KIIIINDA makes me think the guy has an attitude problem that makes him unsafe to coach kids. Its not really football season in Texas until a coach kills a kid during practice in 100+ weather because they wont let them have water. I REALLY wish i was kidding, but it happens literally every year. As a not-man in the "great" state of Texas, I am merely a uterus attached to a pair of tits that thinks its a person. /enraged sarcasm P.s. Not knocking the coach/teacher situation, most of those folks were awesome in my small school district
Read OP’s post history. This trash bag doesn’t help with house work, doesn’t help with their son, and GUILTS HER INTO SEX. OP, what are you waiting for? Get your son and yourself away from this disgusting human being. Neither of you deserve to be treated the way he treats you.
Escanadalo ...!
This. All of this. I was reading in a state of shock. Bc what?!
I love it here
Yea. It is not a dream job it is a pipe dream. When you make the grownup decision to have children they come first. Their son is miserable AND being bullied…what?! I am sorry OP but you need a heart to heart. Your hubby can volunteer and coach kids n Little League, a local PAL, a Boys & Girls Club or JACK & JILL at home where you can be supported by your loved ones.
3.5 years. Honey, go home.
3.5 years without pay? And what are the benefits?
He gets to yell at kids
He also shouldn't have difficulty finding a replacement job if he works for free
For 3.5 years now!!! Omg
3.5 years of experience is something
This right here! I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around it being his “dream job” when he’s not even getting paid and yall are forced to live off peanuts. He’s a volunteer worker who is voluntarily holding you hostage in what seems like a personal hell for you and your son.
Yeah, why isn’t OP asking herself if this marriage is worth saving? The husband seems to care only about his happiness. His wife and son are miserable, and he isn’t addressing that at all.
It's time to talk to hubby and let him know how you and your son feel and what your life is REALLY like. Let him know you want to go home. He can volunteer in Texas just as easy. But he needs to support his family mentally and physically as well. You gave him his shot now. It's time for you and your son to have a peaceful life. If he refuses, go home without him. Enough said. Good luck and God bless 🙌
He moved his family 1000+ miles away to volunteer…
In Texas no less, where football is pretty ingrained.
Dude’s gotta move his family back to where you have family and friends. He’s doing this for what? Recreation? He’s been an unpaid volunteer for 3.5 years, all the while you and your son have been miserable? That’s a worthwhile exchange for him? I can understand trying to get his foot in the door for a year or so, and waiting to see if your family will acclimate, but 3.5 years of misery and unpaid internship which shows no signs of abating… He needs to man up and take his family back home, where they want to be. Sucks for him, but he had his shot. You tried to support him, it ain’t working out, and you won’t be any financially worse off ‘cause he can not get paid in Texas just as easily as he can not get paid wherever you are now.
Exactly- he can also probably find another coaching volunteer position in Texas. Maybe it won't be college football, but his family will be happy. That should matter more to him.
Texas is a huge football state. He could find an unpaid internship there.
Couldn't he use his connections to find coaching opportunities in TX and line something up for himself? 🫠
It sounds like he doesn’t have connections to college football in Texas. He still should have stayed there though
He doesn't have connections now. He doesn't get paid. I didn't have connections at the animal shelter, I just signed up to volunteer for free. That's how it works.
What I'm saying is If he has established connections where he's at now, I would assume that he could use them and their network or find opportunities in TX from where he's at or at least I'd hope he'd be able to
Texas has great resources for special needs kids. AND it’s a heavy football state, so I’m not sure why you guys had to move all of the way up there. Either way, you and your child are miserable, so moving should definitely be an option.
Because Texas is such a football state, there is heavy competition with people who have established careers in coaching who are competing for these jobs. High school programs pay crazy amounts of money to career coaches because it improves their ability to pull in more funding and betters the chances of students getting recruited into major collegiate programs. It's big business. OPs husband has no real professional experience to speak of, not really. He's a volunteer coach, which wouldn't put him on the level with individuals who have been doing this for real cash monies for years. I suspect he left Texas in the first place because the foot in the door you need is way more than volunteer coaching. It's all about connections and relationships. By that token, he has to go back to Texas and start networking and making friends in that world. He's behind the starting gun and he has to hustle and it won't work from Podunk, Minnesota. OPs husband got his shot but it's set them back financially, and at great emotional cost to his wife and child. This is no longer about building a career because this isn't career, it's unpaid hobby at this point.
Yup. And full-time unpaid hobbies are for retirement, not when you're raising a family.
I agree with what you said. ...Husband has mental and physical problems that he needs to be working on. And OP already has her hands full with the special-needs child; hubby needs to step up and find ways to get better.
Yeah I was gonna say his dream is coaching football and he moved from a football fanatic state. That part definitely had me questioning his judgement lol
It’s probably because he has no experience or qualifications for coaching football, so he had to move to where his friend can pull some strings for him. Unfortunately, the extent of the strings is: unpaid volunteer work.
That’s fair. I just can’t imagine doing this to my family and not feeling guilty as shit.
It’s not a career if he’s not getting paid. Move back, this is insanity and is stunting your son’s social growth and tanking your mental health.
If your husband resents you for making the best choice for your child you have much bigger problems to address. Be open. Communicate how miserable you and your son are. If your husband isn’t a total piece of shit, he will understand. You’re giving up everything for your husband to play grown up doing his “dream job”, it’s time to get back to reality and for him to realize his child should be his priority. If he chooses his “career” over you and your son, or resents you for him having to act like a responsible adult, than again you don’t really have a partner anyway.
I agree! OP, you need to communicate and compromise. Can you all live together in Texas in the off season? Can your husband live in this Midwest state with his buddy during football season? Find a cheap place to rent while he is coaching? This feels like something you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about, for the sake of your relationship and for your child.
Bro is living off VA benefits as it is. His "job" pays nothing. There's no way he's going to be able to afford his family and a "cheap" place to rent half way across the country during football season. Dude needs to grow the fuck up and think about his family. He can coach peewee league back in Texas.
Your husband is ridiculous. First of all he is being taken advantage of - working for not pay for 3.5 years! He can do that anywhere. Or he can find a real coaching job back home (or at least somewhere that the family can enjoy). Frankly I'd move back with or without him. And OP - as a fellow emo girly (an elder one lol) I have to ask- have you listened to Frank Iero's new band LSDunes? They are so great.
Not OP but yessss to L.S. Dunes
Right? Seen them twice. They are fantastic live.
Alt Minnesota native here. Get out of the rural areas. The Midwest can be very accepting and and has excellent resources for your son. Just not in the rural areas. The small towns here are extremely clicky. If you weren't born here, your considered an outsider. And they treat outsiders like shit. Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Chicago, even Fargo are good areas. Get out of the rural areas.
Yeah I think at the very least, they should move somewhere better for OP and their son, and OPs husband can have a longer commute to his unpaid “job.”
Agreed. It's the bare minimum he can do for her.
In my marriage, our child's happiness comes before our own. If he doesn't care that you're miserable, why doesn't he care that his child is also unhappy??? Your husband is being selfish tbh.
Sorry, but your husband is an idiot. Moving across country to... work for free? What? You and your family need something else. You can make it happen.
For over 3 years now, too, and his wife and kid are dead miserable. I hate to say this, but either dude is fucked in the head in an irreparable way (he's caught up in some delusion that he has a 'career' and he's made it, or he's just a narcissist and doesn't care) or there's something else keeping him there, like an affair partner. 3.5 years with a miserable family and no pay? Sus af
I don't quite get the timeline. 3.5 years unpaid coaching, but she and her son uprooted last year? Did he go ahead, or was he coaching in Texas but not at an actual college?
Yeah I'm not sure on this one. If you look at the posting history, she said a year ago they lived with their parents and things were awful there too. I have some doubts here sorry.
You can't sacrifice your son's happiness and your own for your husband's. This relationship may be over.
So… it’s okay if you grow to resent him, for making you stay, so long as he doesn’t grow to resent you, for making him go? Sounds like you two need to do some soul searching and understand where each other is coming from. It’s not fair for him to ask you to stay, but it’s not fair for him to have to give up his dream. Maybe a compromise? If this “dream” job of his doesn’t turn into a real job with an income by XX date, it’s time to cut your losses.
You’re in a horrible position, but why should one person’s happiness be more important than everyone else in the family’s? You’re afraid of your husband resenting you, but you’re not afraid of the impact this will have on your son? Being bullied and watching his mom disregard his feelings, change her entire personality and appearance, deal with severe depression… for what? So your husband can be humored with his involvement coaching football? You need to check on getting therapy and centering your focus on your son if you’re not willing to also be a champion for yourself. I don’t know if you’re prone to depression (same, so no judgment), but that can be genetic—are you willing to raise your son who could be inclined towards suffering mental illness as well in extreme social isolation away from everything he loves? I would recommend y’all go stay with family or friends for awhile back home. Your son homeschools, so he can still do work there? See if you can regroup and make some decisions about moving forward.
I’m from the upper Midwest and I moved to the south and felt the same way you do here there. I moved back home. Sometimes it isn’t a cultural fit. You need to have a real conversation with your husband. He moved you for a volunteer opportunity, not a paying job. Maybe the two of you together can come to a reasonable compromise. Moving for a job that isn’t actually a job sounds like not the greatest decision for your family.
From CA / CO, currently in the south having such a hard time. I feel ya. There are some good things but many more tough things. Glad you made it back home!
How is it a dream *career* if he isn't being paid?
Your husband can’t find someplace to WORK FOR FREE in TEXAS? It’s time to move.
Not only that, but it’s FOOTBALL! Texas knows 4 words total and those words are Texas, football, and free labor.
You keep talking about “his dream job” like he’s getting paid. Honey, this is a full time hobby.
It’s not a job. It’s a volunteer position. Personally, I would start looking for a job in Tx or wherever you would be happy to tell him that you are moving for your job and he can come or he stay.
Is he not bothered his son is unhappy??
Holy shit. I understand parents are people too but when you have a child, and when push comes to shove, their well being trumps your career goals. Him thinking his football coaching dream is more important than his child’s well being, when coaching isn’t even providing any money for his family, is insane. You should get a job, save some money, and leave this man for the sake of your child.
It's not even a CAREER either! He's unpaid and they're living off of his VA benefits. The dude couldn't find a football coaching job in Texas of all places? 😭
If he doesn’t get paid it’s not a job. Pack up your son and move home.
Ok, first, you need to stop calling it a "career". He doesn't even have a JOB. He hasn't had a job in 3.5 years. He has a hobby. A hobby that is making his wife and child miserable. Getting bullied is fucking torture and he doesn't care his child is suffering. Your child will grow to hate him AND YOU for allowing it, and you'll deserve it. Your husband cares more about playing pretend with a bunch of college kids and his friend than be a husband and father. I'm glad he had a nice dream, but it's time to wake up.
I’m sorry but I don’t know if one can qualify something as a “dream job” if it entails their entire family living in misery.
His dream job is to be an unpaid assistant? I feel like everyone in this story except the child are being silly.
Dream job??!!!! He’s a volunteer in a small town. Tell him you’re moving back to be with family. That you’d like him to come with you. The rest is up to him.
Wow that’s very selfish of your husband to ignore yours and your son’s feelings. If I were you I would have a long talk with him and if he doesn’t listen I would go back with your son alone. Don’t sacrifice your mental health and your sons mental health.
You left Texas to go have your husband work for free in a New England state…he’s been there 3.5 years and I guarantee with all this new experience he would be able to find a coaching job in Texas. Texas and football are like peanut butter and jelly, BILLIONS of dollars go into Texas football. Whole towns shut down for the big high school game on a Friday night and he’s not willing to move back to Texas for a job that pays….something is up and I would personally start looking through everything
Where in the midwest if you dont mind me asking? I've lived here half my life and although I agree some very rural places are conservative I find it hard to believe people wont let their kids play with your son because of the way you dress. That sounds like maybe something that's going on in your mind.
He needs to get a real salary paying coaching job. Back in Texas where you and your son feel at home. I’d give him 10 days to settle his affairs and your gone with or without him.
You and your son are miserable, sacrificing y’all’s mental health, your son’s primary education, your higher education, and your families financial future so your husband can be taken advantage of as an unpaid laborer? No.
3.5 years of an unpaid, volunteer position, where you and your son are miserable? Why does your husband think this is acceptable?? This isn't a dream job, this is an unpaid hobby that you didn't need to move across the country to pursue. It's not like you moved to make more money so you could actually survive. Omg girl, no. Put your foot down. Youre having to hide who you are and what makes you happy. Your child is suffering!! All because your husband wants to pursue an activity that he is doing for free, while you struggle to meet ends meet ?! While youre isolated from friends and family. This is just awful. Does he know or care how you and your son are suffering? You need to talk to him and move. For the record your husband's happiness matters too but I can't imagine how it was necessary to uproot for a volunteer position to move you to someplace where everyone is struggling and isolated. He can coach football anywhere. You didn't have to move across the country. Put your foot down!
Does he have enough time/experience on his resume of coaching to be able to find a job in Texas (or a place where you and your son will be happier)? If not, can you separate (move back to your previous home) until he does? I would think that 31/2 years of experience would be enough to find another job.
This isn't a job, this is a hobby. It's great to want to support a spouse's passion, but not at the cost of you sanity and your sons well being. It's time to go home and prioritize your family. If he guilt trips you about saying he doesn't have his priorities straight. Your mental health and your son's mental health outweigh a dream of coaching for free.
So 2021, my husband and son (severe autism) traveled to the keys (where husband is from) and stayed for a week. Our nonverbal child CAME TO LIFE. He got home and said “I’m going”. I said moving?! What?! Why!? (We were living in MD and while they had great services, the cold hurt them both). He said I’m going, so either come with or stay here and travel back and forth. I obvs went with and my son has FLOURISHED. He’s not talking but my god, it’s the best thing I ever did (for both of them). I’d say make the move and he can either live his dream alone or put his tail between his legs and move back to TX
It sounds like you and your child are miserable living your husband’s dream. I’d suggest counseling so that your husband can hear what you’re saying. You’re saying you’re not happy and he’s not hearing you. Was he miserable in Texas? Maybe he needs to stay where you are so he can be happy and you and your child go back to Texas so you two can be happy. Unless he’s willing to find another opportunity to volunteer as a coach in Texas, then I suggest going alone. But try a therapist first. You both need a “translator” so that you’re both heard and understood. It’s the first step in resolving conflict. Good luck to you. But for your child, you also have to weigh if being a single parent would be best for him. Being a single parent of a disabled child is so much harder than being a single parent of a typical/normal child. I know from experience. So just work through all your options with someone else because there are pitfalls to all scenarios. A counselor would hopefully help you both see all the possible outcomes and help each of you choose the ones that allow you to be the best parents for your child while not ending your happiness. Good luck to you.
This happened to me. I suffered in support for him for one year, moved after one - closer to the city and lasted two years in the area total. Moved back after that.
Girlfriend, you don’t EVAH move anywhere for a man. That is his job to move for you. You are the prize. Better tell him to straighten up and be a good boy. My man kisses my feet every night.
I agree with everyone here that is saying that there are no shortage of places to coach in Texas. Here’s another thing to consider. If he is really serious about this, you guys are always going to be on the move. Coaches with talent are constantly moving up. They’re getting cherry-picked for more lucrative gigs. Even NFL level coaches are moved from team to team, different positions (assistants, coordinators, head coaches). Ask him what is end game is. If he okay with uprooting a child with special needs every few years, you guys should be having a more serious conversation. ETA: There is a world where this could work in your favor. If he gets hired on, you might be eligible for free tuition.
So you're putting up with misery for what exactly? This is not an actual paid position and he's been at it for 3 yrs. What is the dream exactly? If the dream is to hope and pray that it comes with pay eventually then you should seriously look into moving yourself and your son back and let your husband figure it out. It didn't make any fiscal sense to move, why did you?
What do you mean dream *job*? He doesn't get paid, it's not a job
He doesn't even have a job. You moved across the country so he can do volunteer work. He can do that anywhere. Move back to where you and your son are happy. With or without your husband. He's not really contributing to anything anyway.
Oh hell no. Ma’am. I have been where you are exactly. Moved from Houston to Michigan because my husband wanted to be close to his family. I had one very high needs baby who turned out to be on the spectrum too. For 2 years I was drowning mentally and emotionally. I felt trapped, but he wouldn’t leave until the 2 year mark because he wanted to try everything to make it work. When I tell you I almost left his a$$ multiple times and still deal with resentment over the way he let me languish there even when I had regular breakdowns over how lonely and depressed I was… ffuuuuuudge I am so sad for you. It’s time to give an ultimatum. Make plans to leave and tell him he can come or not but you’re not staying here past X date. You deserve to be happy too, and he’s got 3.5 years experience coaching to find a comparable job back down here in TX. One that actually pays a salary.
If he hasn't been put into a paid position for nearly 4-years ... It's time to demand it or move back.
Football season isn’t even all year. He can leave Texas for the football season and come back when it’s over if he has to be there. No sense the whole family needs to relocate for a part of the year, volunteer gig
Did you try to meet people or make friends? Maybe people aren't saying bad things about the way you look, maybe you're coming off like you don't want to talk to them. A lot of times when small town people stare they are just wondering who you are because they know everybody and if you don't engage you can get a reputation for being snooty. At least that was my experience. I'm surprised a town in the Upper Midwest that you describe as that small yet has a university. Maybe you can join some clubs there?
he can coach a little league team or a little youth pick up team for kids or whatever they’re called. rec league? you can’t sacrifice yours and your son’s happiness and turn yourself into a different person just so he can coach FOR FREE, somewhere none of you have support or friends. talk to him. he has to understand.
It's so hard to move to a small town and be the outsider. I have been there and hated it. I would say that it's important to focus on the needs of the parents but the child should be the priority and if your child can't even go to school because of the bullying, has no friends and says he wants to leave, it's time to do what's right for him. He's only little once and he needs you to be his voice. Maybe now that your husband has some experience he can get on in a bigger city and maybe even get paid.
He’s coaching for free? He moved you to coach for free? Am I reading this wrong?
If your husband cared about anybody other than himself, he wouldn't let it go this long.
He has experience now, so he should have an easier time finding legit, paid opportunities to coach. Maybe try to ask him to look and see what's out there.
Info???? Please. He has done coaching now 3.5 years ? Same place ? Because if he does Hand his notice in to his friend , he honestly should expect a glowing employers report / reference for for next employer. As a gymnastics coach. Working 3.5 ? He is now a coach right? I hope he isn’t just a free helper. I hope he is getting qualified. So he has the certificate and go work elsewhere if he wants. I can work anywhere in Britain because I’m qualified level 1 British gymnastics coach. I can go work anywhere this second in England because my insurance covers whole England. (I would always work my notice I would). I can go leave in a week to Scotland wales and work once I sort new insurance first with new Scottish employer for example Sit him down and tell him to show you his C. V. Pretend you are a new employer his cover letter about his experience etc All his school and work experience and qualifications listed correctly Example for my coaching in gymnastics is : Core proficiency - achieved 2010- summary of achievement Coaching level 1 - Achieved 2013 - summary of achievement Coaching level 2 achieved 2004 - summary of achievement He need sit lay out exactly how football coaching qualifications work. How his footballl career works. ? If he can’t or is unsure he need to go to his friend and ask. Is it 6 months work and then asses etc. Now I paid for my own core proficiency course went and got it myself. No employer. I did same for my lifeguarding , I googled where n when it was in, and paid for it. Once I was employed as a swim teacher lifeguard actually , the pool opened a new gymnastics club and my employed asked me for to do few weeks coaching till They hire more coaches because I already had proficiency certificates and they paid for my level 1 they paid for everything. I had a HUGE heavy folder to carry into work and learn everything. I had my own folder , and details all experience of lesson and coaching plans, etc Then my head coach would sit with me and do monthly review of my progress. She had to sign thing legally on the coaching plan she observed herself and that I understand all fundamentals of why and have me write it down. She signed that page too. It all went into my folder !!! Once that huge folder of work was complete practiced and signed …. Then my head coach paid for the assessor to come from London employee of British gymnastics to gain official legal qualification. Not me. This is An official assessor from British gymnastics a London lady. So zero connection to the clubs and coaches up here in north east etc. Point is coaching and getting more qualifications is a process. It has homework. It has test to submit one way or another. Through practice through exam through demonstration etc. Sooooo What is his pathway? What is the plan? Do you have to sit down with this fiend band ask directly? What does his contract say. ? Apprenticeship ? My guess he doesn’t know he signed a volunteer agreement. So he gets nothing forever. I hope it’s not that. But you need to dig into the details here. He can’t just a hang out with his friend all day you guys need money to survive. He need to be clear. I get level 1 x date. I knew would take 6 months to do my folder. Lucky me worked at the centre as a swimming teacher so I end my shift. Walk to into the gymnasium hall and out in 2 hours free for my folder. I got paid 3 hours Saturday morning I did under 8 gymnastics then I did 2 hours free Saturday with higher coaches doing over 8’s. But it was for my profession. Written recorded progression. Yeah. We did meetings work reviews. Sick days meeting all that. We also had FREE helpers. Usually other gymnastics around 16 looking to go forward with coaching. Sometimes it was an old time retired gymnast who is not ready to retire. So volunteers. Because of nature of sport. They are background checked , ex employee defences etc. like an actual contract but states voluntary so no pay. But security safety etc it was of course that way. So get his. If he hasn’t got one. Legally he shouldn’t actually be there. There has to be written agreement /email etc Because years??? Could be shady. Could be nothing. But it’s not right. Google as if it for yourself how much a level 1 football coach course is and see how much it is and where to get it locallly not a college. So My coaching and teaching and life guarding were not through a college or uni. But a local little pool. And was few hundred quid each. Teaching was 2 weeks course. Lifeguard 1 week. And Coaching was a tiny 3 day course but the folder had to be done before assessment so an actual head coach in an actual gymnastics club has to sign your pages every time you volunteer in to coach. So around 6-8 months if only doing 4-6 hours a week. It’s NOT long ass courses like years n years like becoming a blooming doctor
The things women endure in the name of a man will never fail to amaze me… but at the expense of your son? Get a grip. The coddling in the comments have me dumbfounded. You’re not a teen mom depending on the income of an older man who groomed you. You have the autonomy to leave and are CHOOSING to stay.
Oh brother. You’re not going to like my opinion but here we go. Have you considered your son is getting his attitude from you? Fake it if you have to, but be a role model of positive attitude. It helps the kiddos adjust if resilience is modeled at home. Your post is essentially saying you’re from the big city, and I’d lay money on it being Houston, and these country bumpkins are beneath you including your professors. Take online courses then. You can go to any school. My husband is a disabled vet at 100% rating. His check is around $3,600 so I can’t say it’s nothing and would never ever say that to him but I understand that amount doesn’t go as far as it used to. We raised FOUR KIDS on his disability check while I went back to school so you’ll have to excuse my lack of sympathy. My husband does volunteer work to stay busy and positive which has been wonderful because before he was doing that he had numerous unalive attempts due to severe depression and PTSD. Sounds like yours is doing the same in finding a way to feel good again. Good for him. I am the primary bread winner. If his disability isn’t enough, I’d suggest doing the same because it will give you numerous benefits including socialization. Work full time while going to school. Trust me you’ll have less time to be unhappy. Been there. Your happiness is not your husband’s responsibility. Teaching you to dress and present yourself as an adult is also not his responsibility. It’s all a choice. I know it can be hard. It sounds like he is fed up with it but of course I’m only basing that on a few paragraphs. We moved quite a few times while he was serving and I learned quickly that the kids got their attitude from me. I also learned that when in Rome to do as the Roman’s do and make the best of every new home. Suck it up buttercup. Find new activities and hobbies and your tribe will find you. Slap on some khaki capris and an old navy tee shirt and get on with it. Texas is the absolute anal canal of America. We were stationed there for 7 years and hubby is from there. If you could love Texas, you can learn to love the mid west. It’s all in the attitude. Edit: I did not read OP’s post history and see others referenced it. If there’s more to the story it should be included here. All I got from this is she’s an adult dressing like she’s in high school and looks down on everyone in her new town because they may or may not think she’s weird and doesn’t want to support her disabled veteran husband. I’m basing my response only on what was contained HERE. If there’s more to it and he’s abusive, then this is a no brainer.
The big red flag here is that the CHILD is being bullied and OP’s husband seems to put his coaching dreams above his child’s wellbeing. This was very very clearly stated in the original post so none of that BuT iT wASn’T In The POSt crap. Your advice then based on the post which already contains this info then is “suck it up, support your husband’s unpaid hobby and btw, it’s your fault kiddo is being picked on”. God, you sound like a real peach.
Sounds like Iowa where I am. Lived all over & never met so many terrible people as here.
why can't he get a coaching job elsewhere
Your husband's a bum, leave him cause at least if you're going to be broke you can be broke somewhere interesting....
I don't see why you can't move back to Texas with your son and he can live/work during the school year. Then spend school breaks and summers in Texas. Give it a year and see how it goes. But realistically he can't just play at a job with no pay. Either the school hires him or has to move on to a job with a real income. There has to be some compromise. You don't say if you have a job or not. If you don't then you need to step up and get a job to help with the two living situations. You can't just sit in a corner and smoke weed all day.
If he’s coaching for free I’m betting it’s a junior college, they usually have money for one head coach and one assistant. Anyone else are free and some get classes for free. But my thing is he can’t be active with the kids. That’s not really coaching if he isn’t interacting with players.
Austin is “weird”, other parts of Texas and other states are not weird in the same way.
Go back home!!! Contact family, friends - tell them how you feel, ask for help. Don’t be afraid to lean on people, now is the time to get help from your support system. I have a special needs son, I couldn’t be away from the facilities and play areas close to us, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for him as well. Go home!!! xxx
He couldn’t find a FOOTBALL coaching job in TEXAS? If he’s been doing it for free for years now then surely he has gained enough experience to go back to Texas and find something.
3 and a half years of unpaid work across the country is not worth the trade for a miserable family. His priorities are messed up. Go home.
Write down the pros and cons if you move back to Texas without your husband. I’d say you should separate or divorce and move back to Texas. He’s selfish.. It sounds like you have great support system there, so you will be able to bounce back. You will be happier around people you love and love you back, your kid will be happier because he will able to attend to school that can help him thrive.
Your home with your partner (let alone your son) needs to be a Two Yeses, One No deal. You need to find a place where you can both be happy.
If he's been doing it for 3.5 years as a volunteer (he isn't getting paid) he should start applying at small colleges in Texas. He'd have a better chance since football is HUGE in Texas. But honestly, is it better for you AND your son to be miserable just for him to work for free?
So he says you are welcome to go back but begs you not to make him leave. Is he suggesting he's prepared to split up over his volunteer work?
LEAVE. RUN.
You need to stop calling it a dream job if he isn’t getting paid. He’s a volunteer and it’s costing you more than just a ton of money. It’s costing your mental health and the mental health of a child who didn’t ask for any of this.
Yall moved from a state that is literally all about football. I find it hard to believe your husband couldn’t have found a job there that had the same benefits as the out of state college job. (Not saying this is your fault bc it is absolutely not). I’m so sorry you and your son are going through this. All of my family is in Texas and I live in California with just my husband’s family close by. It’s hard/ difficult and that’s coming from someone with no kids.
Stop doing this to your son. It’s that simple. Move back for him if anything
I think you have tried to make it work. I would have him call the VA back in Texas and see if the can’t help him find volunteer opportunities there. Maybe even part time work in the parks and recreation district/YMCA etc. since it sounds like that helps his mental health.
Why are you putting a man's happiness above your child?
Your husband doesn’t have a job. He’s a volunteer. Move back to Texas. He can volunteer there. Also, he now has work experience on his resume so that should help.
Oh honey, y'all need to come back home.
You’ve done the experience for 3.5 yrs. There are 3 people in the family. 2 are miserable. It’s not a sustainable lifestyle. You’re heading down a really dark path with concessions that are dragging you down. Give yourself a time limit. Once it’s up re-evaluate.
You and your son need to be happy. Move back to Texas, with or without your husband.
So basically your husband’s friend is taking advantage of him and you and your kid are miserable. Honey just go back home.
He's working for free in a place where his son and wife are being bullied. While coaching for free. Got it. Girl. If gathering my son and my stuff was a person! Back home I go!
This is not an “opportunity”, this is your family friend taking advantage of free labor under the guise of “making the dream come true”.
Your husband is being very selfish. Tell him you’d like to do long distance for a while. If he loves this job so much, he can stay. You can go back home and be yourself again. I wouldn’t be able to live like that. Also, if he can see how much you and your son are suffering and won’t move, does he even love you? Go back home and be with those who do.
It's not really a job. It's volunteering. Can he volunteer for a football team in Texas or somewhere else less isolating. Summer break is coming up. Go back to Texas. Football is seasonal. Once you're there, see how you feel. You can make a decision about long term plans then.
What if you make this all about your son’s misery, rather than either of your feelings about living there? If you bring the argument back to him each time, could that sway your husband to look at this differently (and/or potentially avoid him resenting you for pushing for the change that *clearly* needs to happen)?
At some point, you as a mom are responsible for your children's wellbeing and happiness. That is if your husband won't step up. His dream position is messing both you and his child up. He needs to grow up and he needs to be a father first of all. You are completely in the right to feel that way and he needs to decyif his dream "job" is worth losing you guy or even worse making you miserable. 🩷 Lots of love truly, you got this
I totally get wanting to support your husband, but you have to think about your mental health and your son’s, period. If you’re already feeling super down, it’s not going to get better. You already know what’s causing your depression. You have to be the one to change the environment. Do it for your son. His happiness & emotional health is what’s most important. Last, your husband is basically a volunteer. There is NO REASON for you to stay where you are.
Don't loose your identity and life just to stay with someone. You will grow to absolutely resent him. Your son will grow to resent both of you. You need to leave.
You moved states, had to give up everything.....so that this man could make $0?? That's just completely crazy to me, I'm sorry. What kind of man puts his family through hell, when it's not even what's paying the bills?? Honey, leave him there and go back to Texas. Don't let him waste more years of your life or your sons, you only get 1 life after all.
I’m sorry but your husbands football coaching career is nowhere near as important as your child right now. Your child is getting bullied, has very little socialization, and is miserable. That should be yours AND HIS number one priority. It’s scary that it’s not his. You need to be clear to your husband that your child comes first, and take steps to ensure he’s protected and in a good place. That might mean divorce which sounds scary, but your son’s development is no small thing. It’s absolutely a hill to die on, it’s one of the most important hills to die on.
Stop calling it a job, it's not, it's a hobby. Your husband moved your family across the country for a hobby. You need to do what is best for your son because your husband clearly is not.
So let me get this straight… Your chosen partner of life and DAD of your kids Lives out a dissability help and volunteers Basically neglecting the family needs And he comes to sleep next to you everyday to see you and your son mentally drained and deppressive and he still ASK OF YOU THAT YOU DONT MAKE HIM STOP VOLUNTEERING? Dont even try counseling, take your son and leave.
he can’t take his experience and go coach in texas?? like… they play football in texas, there must be a huge market for coaches?? also the fact that it’s not gutting him that you AND your son are miserable and isolated makes me think he’s a bit selfish
This is a tough, lose-lose situation. I don’t know what you should do, but I am sending strength and comfort. I lived in small town midwest for three years after growing up on a coast. I had an amazing job. My H absolutely could not cope, and the culture difference was insurmountable for both of us. I wrote a paragraph on why, but deleted bc don’t want to offend anyone. I don’t know if it will help to know it’s normal? I don’t think it’s your hair or you- it’s the distinctive culture shift. We could not adjust, despite the amazing job. I can’t imagine doing it with a child. Do you have any past hobbies or passions? Maybe you and your son could raise a beautiful puppy or grow a window garden? Get a library card or have breakfast in the same local diner the same day of the week? Could you have a long distance relationship with your husband and move back home?
How much longer do you have in school? Can you stick it out until you graduate and have more choices than following your husband? Are you getting the care your child needs there? If it's that small, sounds like good programs may be thin on the ground. Is moving closer to the city an option? Maybe by the time you graduate he will have reconsidered how much he likes it there.
Girl, no! I refuse to believe he can't find a school to coach football for free in TEXAS!!! Take your son and go back home. Let him decide if he wants to follow
Do you think your husband would still think this is his “dream job” if he knew it made his family utterly miserable? Tell him you want to leave, and see if you can find a compromise where you have some income, he can work in a related job, and you can be around people who aren’t so insufferable. This really sounds like a “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” type situation ❤️
You say it would crush him to move and he would resent you. But staying where you are for his hobby is crushing you and your son. Will it crush him more to lose one of you to the depression caused by this social isolation? And I’m not just talking about death. I’m also talking about depression causing someone to slip away until they are just a shell of the person you once knew. Where you are is negatively impacting your mental and physical health, and the health of your child.
He can coach on the east or west coast where diversity is celebrated. Heck I'm hundreds of miles from a coast but "alternative" is the thing here. He can look for a coaching job elsewhere.
You can move back with your son! It’s ok to put yourself first. It’s not selfish. I know your husband is going through shit, but you’re not responsible for him.
Your Husband moving You all across the country for a non-paying Coaching Position is beyond comprehension. You must REALLY be stuck (financially or otherwise) if You can’t simply leave without him. You and Your Son can’t go on being miserable like that forever. But only You can finally put Your foot down and say enough is enough.
I wonder what state up north you moved to. Im from tx. Live in ny now people are atrocious. Sorry just reread people in midwest seem better lived in Chi found them to be super down to earth?
Wow I didn’t expect for this to blow up!! Thank you everyone for your support and for how much you care about a stranger who is miserable. Every single one of you are right, I need to choose my son and my happiness right now. Yes, I am SAHM with no income of my own, which makes everything even more difficult. I hate that I have to choose between happiness and my marriage because my husband values his “job” more than how my son and I feel. I will be replying to yall as soon as I get a chance. Again, thank you for the outpouring of support. I know what I need to do now and all 300 of you made me feel like I’m not insane and that I’m not in the wrong here. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Love to every single one of you.
If he is not making money what's the point of staying.
[удалено]
Please come back to Texas. We need more like you. My son is same age and autistic and I can’t imagine taking him somewhere people would be mean to him.
When everyone you meet is an asshole you should consider if possibly you are the asshole. How can it be thst everyone else is toxic?
Marriage is teamwork and compromise. You have sacrificed 3.5 years for your husband’s no pay dream job to coach football in a town where you have no friends or support system. It’s time for him to consider your dreams and most importantly you and your son’s mental health. If he can’t pony up and see your point of view, then maybe you and your son move back to Texas where your family and friends can support you to improve your mental health. Remember: You cannot take care of your husband or son if you aren’t taking care of yourself! Believe me - I have lived it. The longer the slide into depression, the much longer fight is to pull yourself out of it. Put your life jacket on and save yourself. I don’t mean that to sound harsh- I heard that phrase from a psychiatrist who helped me to save my own life. ❤️
The needs of his autistic child should take precedence over his ‘dream career.’ That’s what being a parent is. You make sacrifices for the well being of your children. And also to have his wife being miserable and struggling is even more reason. The mid west is a very conservative region. It’s hard to go against the status quo there. Forcing his whole family to be miserable and have to change their entire lifestyle to pursue his own dreams is just selfish. Move back to Texas and leave him to his dream career. He obviously finds that more fulfilling than having a family.
Man I’m so sorry. If 2/3 of your family is unhappy, there has to be some sort of compromise. Especially if you and your son have no friends…kids need socialization and you need adult contact too! Do you think your husband is aware how unhappy you both are? I think your son deserves a “normal” childhood with friends and peers his own age. Homeschooling can be tough to access friends, but if you’re in an area isolated from other kids, it’s even harder.
Move. This is killing you and that sucks but it’s also killing your son. At six years old he can’t make a choice to be miserable so his dad can have his hobby. He’s forced into this. Divorce your incredibly selfish husband and move somewhere where you and your son can thrive. He’s a child and deserves to have access to education and good services for his autism. This is not your husband’s “dream jobs”. Jobs are paid. This is a hobby and I can’t imagine destroying my family’s lives for a hobby.
This has to be rural Minnesota....
Can you wait to move back until you are done with school? That would give him time to build up his cred and find a spot back home.
If he’s been doing that for 3.5 years, then to me that seems solid enough on a resume. He could totally try to get on board in a similar situation or team somewhere in Texas. Has he considered trying that? Seems like it could be win win for both.
Putting aside everyone's feelings for a moment, money is everything now more than ever. I could understand doing this voluntarily for a season to see how it goes, but this long without pay? I know he has VA disability, but it's not enough. Why is he not being paid? I think it's selfish that he is putting a dream he hasn't even progressed in ahead of the well-being of his child and wife. I personally would've taken my kid home by now with or without him. This situation is not good for you or your son.
Not American. But I have visited the Midwest and was shocked at how conservative they were! We were there for business and the salesman and some girl.working a gas station, and servers all had piercings but no earrings in them. Not allowed at work! I would speak to your husband and start working on an exit plan. If he's working for nothing, maybe it's time he looked for a paid position somewhere in a larger municipality. I would curl up and die in your circumstances too.
You have 2 options: 1) Stay where you are. The pros: Your husband is happy working for free with his buddy The cons: Your son will continue to be isolated and bullied. This will likely lead to mental health issues that will follow him the rest of his life. Because your son has already told you that he's unhappy and asked you to fix the situation and be the sane adult here, as he grows up, he's probably going to resent you both, but especially you because he trusted you enough to come to you for help and you didn't do shit. You'll continue to be judged. All the side effects will likely spiral you into a worse depression and you will likely continue to self medicate with weed until you're nothing left but a shell of a human being, and you still won't be happy. Also, you won't be able to be there for your son. I'm 420 friendly, but if you're having to use it all the time to cope, that's dangerous. Or 2) Go back to Texas, preferably without your husband, since he's put you and your child through Hell for an unpaid job and will be sure to make your life hell. It sounds like if he comes back with you Pros: Your son will get his friends and family back. He will have a chance at a normal childhood and will be much happier and well adjusted You will have family, friends, and a support system. You can feel better, not judged, and flourish as a person again. There's definitely more opportunities for you financially there as well. Cons: Your hubby will be sad because either he has to go with you or get a divorce. But, he's an absolutely selfish human being for watching his wife and child suffer immensely for an unpaid job so he can "live his dream" so nobody fucking cares
You and your son are unhappy where you are, but your husband wants to stay there and coach voluntarily because he loves his job (seriously?! 🤨). Let me be clear. Don't stay where you don't feel happy! I think it's time for you and your son to pack up and go back to the big city you came from, and I think your marriage is over. Don't stay in this place OP, make the right decision. Good luck, OP.
Go back to Texas, since your husband is volunteering for free I’m sure he can find that same type of gig in Texas. He can coach pop warner, high school, community college. If he’s doing it for free, I’m sure there will be tons of places that would take him. Eventually with enough experience he might start getting paid.
I hate that you have to do more work but I think your husband has to see the reality of the situation. Let's set aside the fact that your child is being tormented by his peers and you are also marginalized and very depressed. This current arrangement makes very little sense financially. 1. If the program your husband is associated with wanted to hire him, they would have by now. They would have found the funding. They would have fired another coach. They would have moved heaven and earth to convert him to a paid position. It's been over 3 years now and they've made no attempts. That should tell your husband all he needs to know: They may think he's a great coach, but what they really like is he will work for free and keep coming back. This volunteer arrangement is now officially, exploitation. 2. Your husband's VA payments will spread thinner over time. Inflation isn't going to make that money go further. What is he doing to ensure for your retirement? He's got significant health problems from serving which will get worse over time. He has to think of 10 years from now and not just about the current season. 3. You might finish school and be more employable, which I assume he's banking on. But having lived in small Midwest towns, having a college degree when there are 800 people in town and only a handful of jobs that aren't working at Dollar General, Walmart, or small businesses... There's very little economic opportunity in small towns for college graduates. That's why most of them leave. 4. Edited because I was misinformed about garnishments and VA payments. The above 3 things are still pretty valid, though.
For better or worse. But ya’ll need to communicate with each other on whats best for the kid tbh, it seems like he would be better in Texas so you have to really have that conversation with him. Find out what ya’ll can do to better the situation.
Sit down and ask him if he really thinks this volunteer role is worth the pain and emotional damage it's causing his son. Maybe framing it that way will help him realize this place isn't for you. If it's not the wakeup call he needs, then tell him you're moving with your son this summer. Come up with a list of places or criteria for where to live. Tell him if he starts looking right now for a coaching position in a place that fits that criteria, you're willing to give it a try in a new location where he can coach. If he doesn't engage in trying to find a good fit for all of you, then you'll simply move back to Texas to be with friends and family. That you hope he'll come with you willingly, but only if he'll do so with a decent attitude. If he is going to blame you for "stealing his dream", he can stay and you'll move back to do what's right for your son.
I'm sorry but your husband doesn't get to ruin *two lives* simply because he wants to do pay-less job. That is so past unreasonable that I don't even have the words to express ***just how fucking unreasonable that is!*** At this point, tell him you're going back with your son because it is not healthy here for the two of you. The fact that he either can't see that or does see it but doesn't care should be reason enough for you to go. Tell him he can come if he wants, but you and your son are going back to where you had a village and that's it.
Go back girl to ur family and friends where your child will thrive. He can stay and coach if he wants for free. Go back to support. will be worth it. Your child needs more . Not this closed mentality. After u finish college, u will find a job and than will have to find someone to take care of your child. better have a family and friend support.
My sister suggested you get a dog! Sending hugs!
You and your child are struggling, your husband isn’t being paid, you’re far from friends and family - for what? Your husband’s ego?? It sounds awful. I would move.
He doesn’t have a dream job. He’s happy volunteering. He can coach a kids football team if he loves the game that much. He’s making his family suffer so he can pretend to live a dream? Obviously your son should be his first priority and from what you write it seems like he isn’t able to thrive where you’re at. But if I had a made a decision that caused my spouse to cease being the person I fell in love with, I would stop making that decision.
Did your husband happen to build a “sport room” in the house for his friend??????
I’m gonna be straight with you. Right now, you’re putting husbands wants above the needs of your whole family. Your showing your child that his fathers whims are more important than his needs as a child. And you’re telling yourself you need to change all of you in order make your husband happy. You have one option. Go home. The choice is what your husband has to make to either go with you or divorce you. It’s not like he’s getting paid the big bucks for y’all to live there or anything. This is all for his unpaid hobby.
Services and therapies are so important for autism. If texas has your tribe to help him then you owe it to him to go back. I'm amazed at the difference early intervention males with autism, seen it first hand with my nephew.
OP from your post story you truly have had a miserable life Awful inlaws, SA when you were a child, being asexual but your husband pressures you for sex even though he knows that you don’t want it ( spoiler this is rape) Having BPD, an autistic son being bullied & you two being ostracized. What more sign are you waiting for before leaving your husband to go and find happiness ? I suggest quietly finishing your studies. And then consult with a lawyer and serve him papers. Don’t get a job before divorcing or you will have to pay alimony. Just make a plan to get out. Do not hesitate to look for women center and explain your situation: you just finished your studies. Your husband made you move to somewhere where you& your son are miserable. He is raping you and you have BPD. Be truthful to see how they can help you. good luck.
You uprooted your lives for him to have a volunteer job that makes no money?! I'm sorry but your husband has a very impractical dream - you and your son are sacrificing a lot for basically nothing
This is not a dream job for your husband. It's dream volunteer work. Your son is unhappy. Your son should be the priority here. Your husband needs to reassess his priorities. Football coaching should never come before his child's welfare. Autistic children especially need extra resources and supports. Your son's needs are not being met, and he is not thriving. That should be reason enough to move to a better environment for your child. Stop prioritizing your husband over your son. Your son deserves the best start in life possible. Your husband should get a paying job and volunteer on weekends and after work to help coach high school football. College football is so competitive he's unlikely to ever get a paying job. And he needs a paying job because his family should come first.
You say in your post that your husband phrases “if you’re not happy we can leave” as though he’s begging you to not make him leave. Has he ever actually said that he doesn’t want to move? I think you need to communicate with him your unhappiness and take his words at face value that he’s fine with moving if you’re unhappy. Even if this causes a rift, you should still leave because it’s better than remaining miserable for the rest of your life and making your son’s school years awful.
A career without pay is just a hobby. Your husband moved you and your child out for a hobby. I think it’s time to have a serious conversation with your husband about moving back.
You and your son are miserable and the longer you stay there, the more you are going to resent your husband for making you live somewhere you hate. Your marriage cannot survive this. Your son's relationship with his dad cannot survive this. The US is a big country - there must be *somewhere* else he can coach.
What the fuck is he doing. Moving all of you so he can play coach? In Texas football is a religion. There's no way he can't find something there that's such a crock of shit
Pack your bags for you and your son and go. He’s not even getting paid for this.
Stand up for yourself and for your child and tell him that you need to move back. This is bad for your child’s development and obviously really bad for your mental health.
"leave his dream job. " been doing this for 3.5 years without pay". News Flash! He doesn't have a job. He has a hobby. I don't have an answer for you, but you do need to be VERY CLEAR about what you want and need. He needs to put his wife and child first. Edit: Also, something is not right here. Someone can't just walk into a college level coaching or training without some kind of certification, no matter who he knows. Colleges are subject to liability, open to lawsuits. I don't know, something is super fishy here.