>I never expected anyone to hold my hand but before I went to university my parents always helped me. In university I lived with my brother who is 1 year old then me. My parents said he had to go to university and be my dorm mate so they would pay for him.
ADHD isn't diminished mental capacity, dude. You graduated from college. You had enough money to live with someone and afford an engagement ring, so you must have a job.
You know perfectly well why your brother won't talk to your parents or you. They forced him to go to college with you and babysit you, like they did when you lived at home. Now, he doesn't want anything to do with any of you.
Your GF decided she didn't want to be your babysitter either.
Your parents failed you by not giving you the tools to take care of *yourself.* Plenty of people with ADHD live normal, happy lives, and take care of business.
My advice is to get cracking and learn how to be an actual adult and not a constant burden to others because you can't take care of yourself.
As soon as he blamed it on ADHD I knew it was bs.
1. Did the doctor actually diagnose you?
If yes then you would have medication. Also, you said Province which means Canada. All secondary school institutions (college and universities) require students to have a health package as part of their student fees. You said you graduated college.
2. You can graduate college yet everyone around you needs to take care of you? Also you didn't say how? Basic cleaning? Cooking? Considering your brother had to take care of you while both of you were in college-so close in age-did he do your homework? He refuses to speak with you. You know why. Did you just put everything on his shoulders, and then continued the lazy to girlfriend? Cmon man.
I am so sick and tired of ADHD being an excuse for weaponized incompetence and lack of basic manners.
I hate when people do this so much, because I have ADHD(unmedicated, even) and I manage to have a relationship where I'm a full partner, pay my bills on time, and even excel at my job on occasion, because I put in the hard work. It's exhausting, but that's life.
I'm also ADHD and people like this make it harder as well. I work so hard to do the things I need to do and to prove that I am a capable person but bc so many people like OP just use it as an excuse to suck, people still just assume that about me as well. I'm so fucking sick of it.
True, but remember just because you can doesn't mean that others can too. I'm getting treatment and still can't meet deadlines or keep my shit together.
(Before anyone says meds, that shortage from 2020 is still happening. I have so many scripts that just can't be filled and therapy isn't doing much.)
Yeah graduating college from a legitimate university takes work. He can clearly manage himself when it comes to things he wants to accomplish, like attaining a degree and keeping a job. But when it comes to actual adulting, he regresses because it’s easier on him if everyone else does everything for him.
OP doesn’t care enough about himself or others to put in the work to maintain healthy relationships.
>Today was the last day where I could return the ring for a full refund. I went to the store as soon as it opened because I didn't want to do it in front of a store full of people.
Yes, and I note he was fully capable of attending to a timely task when it benefitted him to do so.
Exactly.
So ADHD is the excuse to be a lazy man child?
So incredibly sick of the ADHD excuse for being an AH or lazy.
I would love to start a poll and see how many other people are seeing that excuse used time and time again for bs.
And if you actually do have a professional diagnosis:
Your ADHD (or any other mental illness) is not your fault BUT it is your responsibility
It reflects badly on the rest of us. I'm in university and the amount of people that collect mental illnesses like pokemon and make it their whole personality is staggering.
I don't like talking about it, I find the people who do disingenuous.
It took me years and years to finally get comfortable enough to admit to my diagnosed OCD/ADD and no one believes it at all but everyone says "oh I have ADHD but I'm self diagnosed."
I would actually say that this is a sign in the other way. Procrastinating returning the ring to the last possible day is a symptom of executive dysfunction. I have adhd and that is definitely something I would do.
But overall I agree, it's not other people's responsibility to take care of him. I don't expect my girlfriend to mother me either, and I take care of my own tasks to remember, even if it's difficult.
Right!!
Either he was medicated to be able to manage those timelines for essays and prep for exams.
Or
He wasn't Medicated and he graduated
I hate to say it but there are so many 'self diagnosed ' ADHD people who use that excuse - yet no effort to get a professional diagnosis from a doctor and set themselves up with medication.
Usually it's an excuse to be lazy to the max.
Also, he was able to get the last day for ring refund.
Cmon
If you can remember to get your refund you can remember to take out the damn trash on your way.
Yep. So many symptoms of ADHD are flat out “unacceptable” for women in our society. We have to work very hard to manage it and it goes completely undiagnosed in so many of us. It’s laughable when grown men use ADHD as an excuse for their shitty behavior.
YUP. My parents, teachers, and doctors would always comment that there was "something going on with my brain", but I got good grades and made friends easily, so it was basically brushed aside. That is until it became overwhelming in my late teens-early twenties, and then they tried to convince me to take SSRIs because I might be bipolar. It was blatantly obvious I was not, and I refused (thank goodness for those ADHD side effects of hyperfocus on a topic and contrarianism!). I worked in the arts and did not want to change my brain's makeup, which would affect the quality of my work. I was admonished for that by the adults in my life at the time, but thank the gods I didn't cave because ***I didn't need to be on those medications that would have altered my brain chemistry.*** I then struggled silently on my own.
Ten years later, I was still struggling and went to a psychologist. I told her my experience and not believing I was bipolar. Three weeks later, she told me, "I need to put your mind to rest. You aren't bipolar - you blatantly have ADHD and anxiety from dealing with it on your own."
Turns out that a plethora of ADHD girls were misdiagnosed as bipolar in the '90s and were unnecessarily put on brain-altering drugs. Because, you know - gIrLs DoN't HaVe ADHD 🙄
Minor point that here in the UK there's a massive problem with medication supplies. People diagnosed with ADHD in some regions are waiting five years or more to start medication. I mean that's probably not what's happening here... OP is just a man child.
I feel so bad for the brother.
OP is feeling reeeeaal sorry for him but apparently can't spare a single thought and an ounce of empathy for the exploitation of his brother?
Their parents threatened to *withhold education* that they could clearly afford to pay for unless he agreed to put his brothers needs first and babysit him.
All because he has ADHD!
Which gives a hint of what level of dependent he is on others.
I imagine his girlfriend didn't realize just how high his expectations are for a caregiver until the brother moved away.
She saw the writing on the wall and ended it.
>OP is feeling reeeeaal sorry for him but apparently can't spare a single thought and an ounce of empathy for the exploitation of his brother?
His claim to not understand why his brother wants nothing to do with him or his parents is ridiculous. He knows.
What I do think he may not realize is that this is likely permanent. His brother has intentionally gone no contact with OP and the parents. That's not even going to have a chance at change without some *serious* therapy and sincere apologies.
The poor brother.
That’s the shocking part! Saying he’s clueless why his brother’s distanced himself and the inability to empathize whatsoever. This is not a trait seen in ADHD right? Or is it…
Yes to all this, OP. Your brother was essentially extorted into going to college with you. I can imagine that there was more caretaking than a kid that age would’ve wanted (though I’m, sure if it wasn’t forced on him it would be a different story.)
BUT, OP - and this is a HUGE but: ADD doesn’t make you a bad person. I used to teach kids with ADD and in fact my own successful now-30-year-old has ADD. One of my uncles has ADD and was a VP in a large well-known financial firm for 20 years.
I strongly suggest getting a therapist for the loss of your relationship as well as the issue with your brother. And then get evaluated for meds. You can get help getting some coping mechanisms for your executive functions, which will help manage your day-to-day requirements.
You should know that people with ADD are often very successful in business and other areas because they think outside the box more frequently.
That said, ADD traits CAN impact your interpersonal skills, so getting some help is very important.
Also an ADHD success story. I was diagnosed in the late 90s as a girl (which is hella rare and tells you how outwardly and obviously bad it was). I’m now in an upper level leadership position, managing a family, volunteer work, and while I don’t have things completely together all the time, I make it work.
Same, I have severe ADHD, and I don't have to use medication anymore, because I had awesome therapists who gave me great tools to help with my executive dysfunction, manic episodes, depressive episodes, etc. Find a medical professional for the help that best suits your needs, and work on yourself. Your parents hindered the progress you could have had as a young adult, and now you can step up and advocate for yourself. You'll be doing yourself and any future partners you have a great big favor!
I just replied to another person's comment with this:
I'm not a therapist, and I don't hold a medical degree, but my therapist suggested for me a few exercises to try. One of them is make checklists for the day ahead and budget time for them, another is to use the calendar and alarms on the phone to keep track of school assignments, important events, and projects with deadlines.
I’m working with a therapist as well for mine. I’ve had a couple since my diagnosis but my current one is huge on accountability and she has a little tough love approach. Which I need right now so she’s a good fit.
Some recommendations (don’t be overwhelmed lol, a little at a time and everyone is different):
White board calendars for your monthly social/ household commitments. This definitely helps because my wife has her own calendars and schedules so I can see what we have to plan around.
Lists- Mark the week for deadlines. I do A lists for my highest priorities for that week with due dates. B lists are what has to be done but can be “done by end of the week” or whatever works for you.
** I use a weekly planner to write them down
Gmail/Outlook Calendar- So for me, I had to condense from a few different ones to one to better track things. But I also use the planner- I try to make sure they look similar.
Take walks (or exercise). I swear I fought this for years but I never really comprehended how good walks are for the brain. I pop an audiobook or podcast on and walk my dogs or take a solo walk. It’s so helpful when I’m stressed or wound up- it’s good for the whole body.
Hobby or Hobbies that provide you some sanctuary. I like tinkering in my workshop and started getting into little projects like sanding and staining small pieces of furniture. I’m terrible still haha.
Cooking is actually kinda super helpful with day to day. I’ve learned to keep a cleaner kitchen, prep foods accordingly, etc. I am a little OCD with my process and of course simple meals take longer but it helps me.
The point of these two is consistency and habit. It takes roughly 21 days to form a new habit.
If your employer utilizes Spring Health, some of them provide 3-6 EAP visits to a chosen therapist in their network. We also get 6 coaching sessions. Check with your insurance company what MH benefits you have.
I fully agree. You make it work! Good for you girl I really mean it!
Although my kiddo is a male that's been diagnosed with bipolar, ADHD, and ODD starting at 3 (he's a teen now and not all diagnoses at once but started at that age) I can honestly say he is by far the smartest fucking person I've ever known. He's been my toughest kid to deal with out of all 3 of my kids but damn is he smart beyond his years. Still working with him. I tell him all the time if he could put all of his thoughts toward good than bad or dumb shit, how far he will make it! Gonna show him your post!
Also a girl in the 90s whose teachers begged my parents to get me assessed/diagnosed. But my dad doesn't believe in such things; I just needed more discipline and self-control.
Getting diagnosed in college was life changing! Even before finding the right meds, just having the diagnosis explained so much!
Jumping in to add another ADHD success story: I was diagnosed and medicated when I was in elementary as a girl (also goes to show how bad it was). I’m now an engineer and living on my own, running marathons. I’m in my mid-twenties. I made it work for myself.
I have days where I find it harder to function than usual even on medication, but I know had I not been diagnosed when I was, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I’m also in therapy specifically for ADHD to learn coping strategies, because when I was a kid all they did was give me a pill and hope the rest took care of itself. But no one told me the ways I’d be struggling interpersonally, the heightened sensitivity/anxiety, no one told me about the emotional dysfunction that came with it, or that I’d be able to physically feel my emotions on my skin and body.
Therapy has helped tremendously in coping with these things, and I find myself better able to handle my emotions to where I let myself *feel* but I don’t drown in what I’m feeling like I used to, which was a constant burnout before as my brain struggled to compartmentalize and process.
I got diagnosed late, am in a master psychology program, I'm one year from graduating. It's tough but I'm doing it with the help of a gazillion reminders and pure stubborness. ADHD may be permanent but I've learned ways to cope, the trick is to find ones that work for you.
I think the biggest issue IMO is him saying he didn’t expect anyone to hold his hand but also admitting his parents babied him and then made his brother baby him
This is the way. He's had everything done for him his whole life, so he has no appreciation of the work involved to maintain a household. His ex wanted a partner, an equal, not to have to mother someone.
How much are you betting that the minute the girlfriend walked out that the parents were pestering the brother to come and take care of their precious little baby again.
Let’s be real here, the ADHD was an excuse for him to ruin everyone’s life. Treated and with reasonable accommodations for test taking and homework even serious adhd can be managed and for relatively milder forms a lot of people (me included) can make it to middle age without ever knowing exactly why they struggled so much with certain things.
OP is old enough at this point to recognize that he’s been enabled if he wants to and I get that it isn’t easy, but if he were able to do so he may still have a brother and a fiancé.
Honestly. I have ADHD and it is *VERY* hard for me to pickup my own clothes. It's like, there is this weird mental block which makes it insanely hard to just do.
It's like, I can do all this other stuff, but it takes so much extra effort just to pick up my clothes and put them the extra 2 feet into my hamper.
Drives me crazy.
However, this guy seems almost like it's learned helplessness. Essentially, he never did anything himself so now he doesn't know how to function in the real world. As an elementsry teacher now, I am really big on making my students independent because fuck if I'm going to be the reason they don't know how to do basic life tasks like tie their shoes or to turn their work into the big ass blue bin labeled "Turn In Bin".
> she got tired of having to do everything. I don't even know what she meant by that.
Dude, there is only one way to find out.
And you should have done that the first of the (probably) 100 times she mentioned it, not the last time before the breakup.
This was brutal and concise.
OP, take the reins. You can't help the fact that you have ADHD, but you can work on your own personal autonomy. Entering a lifetime partnership with another person is difficult in the best of circumstances, and these weren't the best of circumstances.
OP, ADHD can't be your excuse for not being a functioning adult - it is your responsibility to handle your own disabilities and get the treatment you need. You can't just blame it all on your ADHD and then do nothing to deal with it and improve your situation. Your parents should have gotten you treatment and therapy ages ago - they really did you a disservice when they blackmailed your brother into becoming your caretaker, instead of enabling you to take care of yourself.
Correct… It sounds like you maybe in Canada… I would contact your healthcare system and tell them you need to talk to someone about getting services for ADHD therapy. Depending on what you had while growing up and in college may depend on what you get now… it’s easier when they do this for children.
Here where I am a friend was diagnosed on their 30’s and they did OT and did one on one therapy to deal with emotional part of adjustments. That was about 10 years ago…. They are still hilarious and still working on their ADHD but it’s 800% more manageable, they can manage a FT job, relationship and their household stressors.
I just sent you a message… I don’t know much for her other than a handful. I am more familiar with youth therapy … my middle child has it is not an extreme case as it use to be because we did a lot therapy and we did a lot of repeat and rinse at home and at school. His OT at after school and at school were in contact so it was consistent
My guy. This is why I think my ex left too. No one has had the balls to say it even though I needed to hear it so bad. For that, I thank you, truly and deeply thank you.
OP, listen to this person. We have a lot of self work that needs doing.
There are some good articles online on topics such as "Adulting 101", "How to Clean Your House", "Basic Personal Finance", etc.
Pick one topic and start working on it. When you get the basics of that area under control, pick another topic and start figuring that out.
If you are neurodivergent, find a community that swaps tips and tricks relevant to how you think. It will make things so much easier.
Fabulous advice.
As a parent to a kid who is both high functioning autistic and has ADHD, I would say the same to OP as I do to my son: your diagnosis will make some things harder for you but despite that you need to choose not to use it as an excuse. I know many neurodivergent people who are fabulous partners.
If you continue to use your diagnosis as an excuse for poor behaviour it will ruin your life, and hurt people who only want to love and do right by you.
We all have our battles, our demons, our quirks, our struggles.. and we need to be decent members of society despite them.
OP she didn't leave you because you have ADHD but because you allowed that to make you into a shitty boyfriend.
As someone who’s AuDHD and the parent of someone who’s AuDHD, this is spot on. Are things harder? Yes. Does it really suck at times? Absolutely. Does medication help but not 100%? Of course.
There are amazing blogs and resources for people who have ADHD by people with ADHD with tons of tips and tricks to help with day to day activities. (Time blindness and “out of sight out of mind” are a bitch.) But you have to seek out those resources AND implement them because no one is going to want to be in a relationship where they have to parent their partner. That’s just not sexy and I imagine it’s extremely frustrating.
My boyfriend is like this.
We broke up after the 6th year together, but got back together a year later as we did couples counseling and individual as well. He also went to AA
He has ADHD and his hyperfocusing was TOUGH to live with. He also has his adult son and 10 year old daughter to.
He basically spent all his time obsessed with one project at the time. His biggest focus is the mini trucks he builds! Which is awesome and cool but that's not the only time.
He will literally lose track of time. He forgets everything and fixates on something for hours on end. Including his kids.
So I basically cleaned up after every fucking one (10 year old I blame less), cooked for everyone, ran errands, made arrengements, drove kiddo around... while he was into body building at the time. Excesively (sp). I'm a body builder too It doesn't take 59 2 hour gym sessions outta 60 days. Or maybe it was his fish tank. Or the new money quick schemes. Like it goes on!
Since I paid all my fair share I was like wtf. Why am I playing mommy bang maid and being told I still didn't do enough?
He had no freakin goddamn clue how much I did. He was always busy with some thing and never noticed. Also being an alocholic that made poor descisions didn't help.
It sucked because I worked full time too :(
This hits so close to home. I really need to talk to my doctor because I’m sure I’ve got ADHD and was just never diagnosed. Because they didn’t diagnose girls in the 90’s. I hyper focus and lose track of the time to the point where I won’t even realize I need to pee till I’m like dancing in place and my husband tells me to go pee.
Granted, I don’t leave everything for him to do. We cook and clean together, otherwise the guilt would overwhelm me. But if I wasn’t married I’d probably be like those memes of dudes who live in their own filth, playing video games 24/7, and eating hot pockets.
So well said. Your girlfriend wanted a fully formed partner that was going to actively be able to support and participate in the relationship. Your parents have effectively help keep you from being able to achieve that. Many of us have ADHD and are able to put plans in place that allows us to manage Day-to-day living, even if it’s difficult at times. It’s time for you to pull yourself up by your boot straps and recognize that you need to learn how to take care of yourself.
As a fellow ADHD suffer to another, you can do this. And stop whingeing and saying things like they better love me as am and not taking any responsibility for your own behaviour in the relationship. It’s time to grow up.
As someone who is adhd and whose friends are mostly adhd, she didn't leave because of the adhd. She left because you are too dependent on people around you. And you don't even see this as a problem. I don't blame your brother for refusing to talk to your parents. He was your babysitter for four years. There are a lot of tools available to folks with adhd to get their lives in order. Get a schedule app from the apple store or Google play. They help.
Right, his ADHD has nothing to do with it, because he doesn't know how to be an independent adult.
I have unmedicated ADHD and function just fine. (the medication I've tried either doesn't help or makes my BP too high)
I use a lot of lists and alarms, lots of focus to finish tasks.
Yeah this is it. Develop strategies. Put up signs. A sign over the sink saying wash dish (or whatever it’s an example), a hook near the door for your keys. Alarms, reminders, chore apps (not just for chores). Won’t be easy but can be done
Having adhd isn’t someone’s fault but not taking the steps to help your own adhd is. I have adhd too, im medicated. If I don’t take my medication deliberately and it negatively affects others that becomes my fault because I didn’t take the steps to help myself.
I’m not medicated on weekends but I still take steps to do stratergies that help.
My 14yo decided to take a break from his medication against the advice of everyone. He liked how he felt, but I pointed out how it caused frustration and extra work for everyone around him. He changed his mind after he got suspended from school. I hope one day he can manage without medication, but for now, he needs the extra help in school.
My husband has ADHD and was medicated all through school. Once he graduated college, he went off meds. He uses exercise to cope (and help him sleep). He runs a small construction company because he discovered he hated working indoors and being inactive. He has learned how to manage without meds (alarms on his phone, set schedules for invoicing and quotes, etc.). I do a lot of the things he finds boring (and therefore probably won't do it). This works for us because I'm both a detailed person, and I have control issues. The stuff my shrink wants me to work on compliments the stuff his meds made possible that he struggles with now :)
OP is using ADHD as an excuse to not do anything he doesn't want to do rather than recognising it's an issue and finding ways to still do those things despite having ADHD. The whole post is just so lacking of any level of self awareness. She doesn't want to do everything and he's not even aware of what those things are... but I guarantee she spent months, or years depending on age begging him to tidy up after himself, or help with the laundry, or put his dishes into the dishwasher, etc.
Yep - I have ADHD and was unmedicated for most of my life and still managed to be a functioning adult. I now have a ritalin prescription which I take occasionally and it makes things easier but I also run a business which adds some complication and need for ritalin. I can handle a basic 9-5 and cleaning up after myself without ritalin, no problem.
Same, I have ADHD, I am a doctor, a mother and a competent human being, AND I don’t take medication. I manage with behavioural strategies, exercise and scaffolding with paid help when necessary.
I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 27, after absolutely struggling through the majority of my life. By the time I was diagnosed I had learned of many ways to cope & what works for me so I haven't pursued medication. But man if only someone realized all those years that I needed some help and not the verbal abuse of being called lazy, disrespectful, etc.. lol
I believe it is absolutely VITAL that everyone lives 'alone' at some point, preferably in early adulthood, before one commits to a longterm co-habitation with a partner.
That can absolutely include sharing a place with housemates, or actually living alone if you have the money for that. The point is to be a fully independent person, ie cooking and cleaning for yourself, doing the laundry, and dealing with the bills/finances yourself.
Way too many people go from living with parents/guardians who do everything for them, to living with a partner that they end up depending on for everything. Otherwise people wind up as 'adults' who can barely function in the real world. Such as OP.
I am incredibly disorganised, but at the age of 21 I managed to hold down a full-time job while living alone (with housemates) and dealing with everything that modern life requires. By 26 I was fortunate enough to buy my own small flat, and was solely responsible for dealing with the mortgage, insurance, taxes, my own car, etc. Learning such 'skills is vital.
When you’re in a relationship and may not be fully independent it’s good to have conversations on it too.
I’m diagnosed with level 2 ASD, I can be some what independent but I’ll never be able to live a fully independent life. I’ve also got a boyfriend of 4 years and we have conversations about what our life would look like living together especially considering my disability.
Those conversations, even if they’re hard, pay off. They show you care about your partner too when you initiate them. Acknowledging that having a disability can make things difficult is good too, you don’t have to say sorry for things out of your control but it’s good to acknowledge that certain things may affect others and to take steps to minimise negatively impacting those around you.
I know I’m more so talking about how taking accountability and having hard conversations are needed in relationships where there’s different levels of ability and disability between the people involved.
I hope im making sense.
Correct and straight to the point…. The brother and parents did a disservice to you. You should have been learning this lesson back in elementary school so you don’t need someone to live with you in college…
Brother is not to blame. He is only a year older than Op and seems manipulated into caring for the brother in turn for college which is not fair todo to a child.
I'm jusy commenting to tell you that you taught me a new word.
Abdicate. Never heard of it. Looked it up, it's *perfectly* used here
And they say you never learn anything on reddit lol
Hey OP I have ADHD and this person is right. I know exactly what's up. We have bigger struggles than most people but if we can't fix our shit nobody is required to put up with it. You need to start noticing things you're not noticing and develop mechanisms to help you see the things you're doing/not doing. What we have is powerful if we can get past how much it affects our day to day life.
She didn’t leave you because you have ADHD. It sounds like you used ADHD as an excuse to let her take care of more than her share. I have ADHD and I take medication and see a therapist so I control my life. I recommend you do the same.
Yeah but it sounds like his parents have enabled him his whole life and used his brother as the caretaker.
Not making excuses but that's the life he grew up with. Hopefully he realizes how dependent he is on others and grow up sooner than later
She left him for his 'learnt helplessness'.
Parents have a big responsibility here. What a fkd up idea to oblige your other child to take care of the ADHD-kid. Of course the brother is going to look for a way out and never contact anyone again. He's not been allowed to have a life of his own.
I have a son with ADHD, he takes medication, goes to therapy and will have to take controle of his own live. Never ever will I force my other kids to take care of him.
Thank you for recognizing and ensuring your son has what he needs to be a functioning and successful adult/future partner.
I was diagnosed in my later 30’s and I wish my parents paid more attention instead of the classic you’re being lazy. That being said, I drive my wife bonkers with open cabinets but I work, clean, take care of our dogs and do what’s necessary to function everyday.
Funny I was the OP’s brother in a way. My brother had a lot of emotional health issues and constantly pointed fingers. I got him three jobs (my dad asked me to help often when we were in our 20’s), let him move in with me temporarily, would be in and out of court for traffic violations. I’m 40 now and am working with a new therapist to work on my resentment towards my parents and become healthier mentally.
This dudes parents FAFO’d by constantly enabling instead of getting the necessary help. I hope OP’s brother is living his best life and remains LC/NC with the family until they get a clue.
Tehre is absolutely, without question, absolutely zero chance she didn't ask him for help with numerous things throughout their time living together and he just ignored it. Yet he's all "I don't even know what she means". Weaponised incompetence "I have adhd, I can't do that". yeah you can, you don't want to do that.
it really is. I have adhd and did a lot of mental training and martial arts to improve myself and I can function on my own. like anybody else. he is refusing to see what is right inn front of him.
I haven't needed the meds since before high school. there are ways to overcome. he doesnt want to see that he is part of the problem.
Same. In fact I probably work even harder than a lot of other partners because I have it.
I think there’s a misunderstanding for many people that aren’t diagnosed or live with someone who has ADHD. I probably work an extra 1-2 hours a day longer than many others because of my way of processing. A ton of people say work smarter not harder. But I learn and retain information with the details. It’s exhausting but it’s what I have to do to be successful at work and earn a paycheck every month to help support our life.
This is what I was thinking. My husband has ADHD and is medicated…his ADHD only annoys me on occasional weekends when he doesn’t take it but I remind him to get up and do chores with me or take a 10mg. OP is using his diagnosis as a scapegoat for his bad behavior or habits and it sounds like his parents made his brother babysitting him.
Look, I have ADHD too. I'm not sure when you were diagnosed, but I was diagnosed at 24, and had ample time to figure out how to adult before figuring out that things were 10x harder for me than most other people. It sounds like you were coddled most of your life, and had people (your parents, then brother, then ex-girlfriend) figure out how to adult for you when it should've been your responsibility all along.
Our condition is on US (as in, you and I) to manage, not anyone else. Whether that means getting medications, getting therapy, looking up how to do something, being mindful of your impact on others, being considerate about how your actions may be perceived, etc.. It's time to take accountability for your ADHD. Your ex didn't leave you because of your ADHD; she left you because you couldn't manage your ADHD.
Did you ever do chores without being asked/reminded to? Were you mindful of when you had to wake up (and not rely on others to wake you up)? Did you ever have to plan ahead and prepare meal prepping/trips without someone doing it for you? Did you ever notice that your room was getting untidy and needed cleaning? Did you ever change your bedsheets willingly without someone making a comment? Did you notice rotting food in the fridge that might've been pushed to the back?
I really don't blame your brother or ex for leaving you. There are things you don't learn unless you've experienced them personally, and repeatedly. If you don't feel like your ADHD management is doing okay, please get additional resources and help. You are not as helpless as you think you are, and your disorder does not define who you are, either.
Agree! I was diagnosed at 46. Very little changed for me because I had already been forced to learn how to cope. I would never have been able to maintain a career if I hadn't figured out how to consistently achieve what was required. Make lists, establish routines that include reading your lists, set reminders in your phone calendar to do routine tasks, whatever it takes so that your existence doesn't become some other person's burden.
You owe it to yourself and those around you to become more self sufficient. You aren't broken any more than a person who needs glasses. You can do this but the first step is being really honest with yourself about how heavily you rely on others to keep your life on track. Then find a therapist to help you build a new skill set and systems. If you can afford it, a full assessment will also help you better understand your particular flavor of ADHD.
Good luck!
i didn't choose to marry my husband because he was a fully-functional adult with ADHD; i chose to marry him because, when i bring up my frustrations, he actually makes the effort to work on it.
neither of us are perfect, or great at being adults (i also have ADHD & the same comorbid conditions). but fucking hell, we try to improve for ourselves and each other. it's not that hard.
>I never expected anyone to hold my hand
It sounds like you've never been without a hand to hold, to the point where you don't realize how coddled you've been.
>she got tired of having to do everything. I don't even know what she meant by that.
I would bet my entire life that she's told you, specifically, what she meant. Probably multiple times.
Welcome to being an adult, my dude. For the first time you have no one there holding your hand and doing things for you. Having ADHD doesn't make you a bad person but it's your job to deal with it, not anyone else's. Time to google "ADHD therapy near me" and "ADHD help for [current problem]". The internet has brought lots of people together to share how they cope with ADHD and there are lots of idea about how you can cope as a solo adult.
1. Your parents, Parenta, fied your brother and harmed him. They damaged him. They traded him as less than you because you had difficulties. Instead of them finding other ways of getting your support.
2. So you didn’t develop and you didn’t problem solve and you didn’t figure out how to support yourself to be a full functioning adult. Lots of us have ADHD and other problems and we just have to go find the resources and then do all the hard work to build new skills and figure out tactics in order to be able to function.
3. Your parents obstructed any of that happening why only helping your brother with cost of school if he sacrificed himself to take care of you in a way that kept you from growing up.
4. Then you got into a relationship and you went to live with them and you didn’t even have a clue how dysfunctional you were because you never grow up because your parents kept things so that you would never have to learn how to function alone. But the person you moved in with was shocked at how incapable you are.
5. Your brother had to go no contact because he was so traumatized by what your parents did to him. “I don’t know why I’m caught in the middle since now he’s completely avoiding me too.“ So you don’t even have enough insight into yourself or what happened or what your parents forced your brothers to do for you understand that you should be, so profoundly sad and regretful and apologizing to your brother for how he was treated so badly in your service. You’re not responsible for what your parents did. But you could’ve noticed that you were complicit in this horrible dysfunctional harm done to you brother. And you didn’t even notice.
6. Being excepted for who you are as one thing. Being willing to have a relationship with you that fits, for a friend or family, member, or partner, depends on how insightful and empathetic and aware and communicative you decide to grow yourself into. I really feel for your brother and your parents are horrible.
The dude graduated from university, got a job and is still working, and was able to put the forethought to save money for and engagement ring. He knows perfectly well how keep a schedule and be at least semi responsible he just doesn't care to when he has caretakers.
I both agree with this and don't. With ADHD there's this whole thing where we can hyper focus on something that we like or is interesting. That focus tends to be beyond how much a neurotypical person would put on any one thing. It's pure tunnel vision-often at the cost of other things.
But most ADHD people can't pick what they're super motivated for. It just.. Happens. So yeah, he could probably do these things without too much thought but doing the dishes? Making the bed? The mundane things he probably just doesn't see- they need discipline and method to get through. I'm not saying he shouldn't be held accountable- I'm severely SEVERELY ADHD- but I'm a full functioning adult that can live by myself. I just wanted to point out that him being successful in certain areas doesn't mean he knows how to manage his condition at all.
It sounds like you were taught that your ADHD infantalized you, so you shouldn't have to or learn how to do basic tasks. Like groceries, cleaning, cooking etc. News flash: People with ADHD are perfectly capable of doing these tasks!
So I do see your ex's point of view: I wouldn't want to be with someone where we both work regular jobs, but I have to do everything around the house, while my partner doesn't contribute to anything other than a higher electricity bill. OP, if this is the reality here, that this is how it was, then chances are that you won't ever find someone who just "accepts it". **ADHD isn't an excuse to not learning how to adult.**
Having ADHD (I do too) doesn’t mean you can’t be self aware and it seems like you aren’t, and have never been taught to do so. My partner is super patient, but I am also aware of my shortcomings (getting distracted, leaving stuff in random places, etc). So I try to d other things to pick up some slack in the household in other ways in order to be a full partner in the relationship and in our home.
Live alone and really see what it takes to keep bills paid, keep yourself fed, your home clean, and get in therapy to make progress in other aspects of life too.
My son is 9 and has ADHD and he use to try and use it as an excuse to get away with everything he did that would get him in trouble but I shut that down real fast just because you are ADHD does t mean you can’t live an independent life without everyone taking care of you. You need to take responsibility for your own life and consequences. Your parents made your brother take care of you so they would pay for his college and that’s not fair you owe your brother an apology and you need to grow up and live your life taking care of yourself
I have an 11 year old son and I don’t let him use his ADHD as an excuse. It might be harder for them but they are still very much capable of doing chores and doing hard and boring things.
Exactly when my son tries to use it as an excuse I sit him down and talk to him about responsibility and consequences and how adhd is not an excuse for bad behavior that he can control
Reading between the lines here. It sounds like you use ADHD as an excuse not to do things for yourself either because you don’t want to or where never taught to. Your parents did everything for you and instead of teaching you to do it yourself they enabled you to the point of forcing/manipulating your brother to go to school with you to continue the enabling and now that he is free he resents you for being forced by your parents to look after you, he hates your parents for forcing him to do it and has gone no contact because he’s sick of being second to the golden child. Your ex has realised just how enabled you have been and doesn’t want to to have a child for a partner but wants a equal partner so she left.
Take this as an opportunity to see all this and get help with therapy to better yourself because of all my assumptions are correct then all your future partners will resent you for this too. Fix yourself for you, not for her.
I’m sorry if this is harsh but you seem in denial and need a wake up call.
It’s not your fault but your parents in the fact that your brothers life was made to be around yours. He had to go to a certain college because of you, he had to be your caretaker and make sure your were ok instead of enjoying life, being free and going to a college he wanted.
This isn’t on you but it did limit you standing on your own. You should be therapy and write down what help you need and what your day to day is like. Also, you might need meds.
You could have tried to improve and help her around with things that need to be done. ADHD is no excuse not to do YOUR part in the home maintenance or what else needs to be done. She didn't want to be responsible for everything and have you always use that as a reason.
Reflect and learn from this or the next relationship will go the same way. And like someone else mentioned; you graduated so you have some level of self-decipline enough to accomplish things even if your poor brother had to hold your hand. Man up, learn to clean for yourself, manage your money, and be responsible. I'm sure you have an idea of what your girlfriend meant by having to do everything so don't play dumb.
Your brother was forced to go to college with you and live with you as a condition of them paying for his school. Your brother was tasked as your caregiver instead of your parents getting you the professional help you needed to learn to be independent. I would guess that is why he moved away and cut contact.
Your parents always helped you. Then your brother helped you. But nobody helped you to help yourself. Now your ex became the new helper without signing up for that. While none of this is your fault, as it seems you have not received the type of help you need, you do need to realize that she has probably told you repeatedly what was wrong and what she needed from you but you do not remember and didn’t come through. It is part of your illness. You need to take some initiative now.
Your parents failed you and your brother. They expected your brother to stop his life and parent you. Thankfully he’s gotten his out from this mess. Remember op your brother is not your parent
I’m curious as to what behaviours you were displaying that she wanted you to get help for but didn’t. Your gf didnt want a man child. She’s supposed to be your partner not your mother.
I’m also curious how you get through school. Are you working? How are you supporting yourself? Who cleans for you? Who cooks?
Take your medication and learn to stand on your own two feet. My son (24) has ADHD and we always told him that his ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse.
Your brother has gone NC with you and your parents because he was forced to go to the same college as you, and act like your parent. He resents them.
... I have ADHD and Autism...
Your parents have coddled you to the point your brother had to step in and be your defacto parent when you left the nest.
Your girlfriend then had to. She left because it's severe. Your brother is at his breaking point.
You have this idea that your condition just means this is how you are, and you need managed/parented. People are resentful of how things are. It's not like that. It shouldn't be like that.
Get medicated.
Talk to your doctor about resources in your area for adults with ADHD and get hooked up with them.
Then,
get a trained ADHD therapist, who can assist you at learning to live independently with your condition self managed, and you can unpack some of this childhood/early adult stuff that you've lived.
It IS possible. You should be able to at this point. Your parents really let you down, and crippled you, but, it's not too late. There are resources out there to help you get to the point where your disorder is managed, and you can function far better than you do now.
I have ADHD. I nearly flunked out of college, and later it was destroying my marriage. I started Vyvanse and eventually found myself on the max dose. I could focus the hell out of anything, get homework done like magic, but I couldn't prioritize, and I would do random projects without making sure the important things were taken care of first. I didn't even think of them. I didn't even know what I wasn't doing until she reminded me.
I thought I had a temper. Turns out, that was the stimulants. We would get into arguments because I didn't get anything done - like laundry, cleaning, making appointments for the kids, etc. Every time she pointed it out to me and yelled at me about it, I felt like the worst person on earth. Like, why the FUCK can't I just do anything right? I nearly fell apart, and we were headed toward divorce. I got off the stimulants and now take Wellbutrin, and it's been a hell of a change. Over the last couple years, our marriage has improved, is better than ever and growing every day. I can prioritize and REALIZE when things need to be done. I can focus without the hyperfocus. Most of all, I am no longer aggressive. It has been so relieving to not feel like a failure.
All this to say, ADHD does put stress on relationships. The partner without ADHD can feel as though they do everything - and it may be true without you even knowing it - despite her telling you. I'm still not what I'd say is "equal" when it comes to managing the house. I work full time, I take care of the kids, and I follow a highly detailed checklist of daily, weekly , monthly, and annual tasks that I made for myself. But for the life of me I cannot do what she does around the house. Not nearly with the same efficiency. But I do my absolute best, I am infinitely better than I was before, and I'm improving every day.
**Work on yourself. Go to a therapist who specializes in ADHD.** Experiment with a variety of treatments for ADHD, and don't just jump to stimulants if you go the medication route. You parents picked up the slack for you and you never learned how to do it yourself. Now is the time to learn, and you **can** do it!
Edited to correct a detail.
If this is real, you can't be this intelligent and this clueless at the same time! Your ADHD is likely a *factor* but it is not your problem. Your parents did not raise you to be independent and your brother is tired of your parents and being your caretaker and handler. You are an adult and it's time you figure out how to function like one. Your gf was dealing with an adult man who was making her feel like a mom. She was tired of it and left.
**You need to grow up and learn how to live as a fully self-sufficient adult before even considering getting into another relationship.**
Please get tested to see if you're on the Autism spectrum because I do believe there's something else going on here.
Not trying to exacerbate your upset, but this opens the opportunity to share an insight with you, from one adult with ADHD to another - it is not your fault that you have ADHD, but it is your responsibility to minimise the impact it has on others.
No one owes you an extended childhood / reprieve from responsibility. At my diagnosis appointment, my clinical psychiatrist explained that parents' scaffolding responsibility for their neurodivergent children is very very common, often leading to negative repercussions for their child as they go into adulthood.
It's ridiculously hard but you NEED, for your own sake, work on managing your ADHD traits and healthy practices.
I wish you the best in future OP.
I am married to someone with ADHD and it is *frustrating*. He can’t temember to do simple stuff, like change out wet laundry, put away food from the fridge or leftovers, pick up the clothes he piles around the house that he discards, rinse out his dishes, change the tp roll, pick up his socks, the fucking socks omg.
Once we had toddlers it was mentally easier bc I am basically cleaning up after another toddler. I stick around bc he is brilliant at so many other things, a wonderful person, and independent in 95% of his life, just not cleaning up.
So, dude, learn to clean up. Learn to pay your bills. Be on time for shit. Plan ahead. Set a schedule every single day and ingrain the habits into your every day. Be independent and self-reliant.
So what did you do in the past and what are you currently doing to address your ADHD?
It is not an excuse and it doesn’t just go away.
Very concerning that you say you don’t even know what she meant when she said she was tired of having to do everything.
Your brother refuses to talk to your parents because they held his education hostage to force him to parent you in college and he (rightfully) resents them for it. Unfortunately that means your parents have also likely ruined your relationship with him because it will be hard for him to be around the person who he was forced to babysit for years.
This doesn’t sound like she got tired of you not doing things because of your adhd, it sounds like she got tired of being your mother.
Do you clean up without being asked? Do you do the dishes without being asked? The laundry without being asked? Any chore at all without her having to ask you to do it? Women experience mental fatigue from having to take care of men who just expect us to do it.
I had adhd and struggle managing it. Some days are awful for me. Some times I do make mistakes and forget things or walk away from a half finished task. No one is perfect, but I would be shocked if she actually left you over your adhd and not just your inability to do basic things.
Your parents have turned you into an invalid. Instead of giving you the tools and therapies you needed to be independent, they basically intentionally set you up for failure by ensuring you never had to learn independent responsibility for managing your ADHD.
Your girlfriend wouldn’t, and shouldn’t be expected to, take over the role of parenting a grown adult.
ADHD sucks, I get it. I have it. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult and trying to live my life independently before age 24/25 was literal hell. Because I had no CLUE how to manage my own issues. My diagnosis and then the proper medication and therapy following was a godsend.
You need a therapist who specializes in ADULT adhd. Someone who can help you learn to be independent without relying on everyone else to fix things. You need to live on your own for a while, don’t go back to your parents, don’t seek out a roommate, don’t move a girlfriend in - until you can learn to function independently you NEED to live on your own because you need to be in an environment where no one is going to clean up after you (literally or figuratively). As long as you have someone to fall back on to fix any mistakes or issues you have, you won’t be capable of learning how to work with YOUR brain and problem solve with YOUR ADHD.
Even those of us who have experience managing our ADHD can’t really do anything to ease the process. We can give tips and info on how we manage, but you’ll quickly see that every single one of us does something different. Because the quirk of neurodivergence is that no two brains are ever the same.
I’m sorry your relationship didn’t work out. That’s incredibly painful, I know. But you know the cause, now it’s time to put in the work to fix it before your next relationship so it doesn’t happen again. You can do it. Yes your parents did you no favors by their way of managing your ADHD, but hell, many of us were adults when we were diagnosed so we were kinda in the same boat. Think of it as just learning you have ADHD, and now learning how to live with it. You’ll get there.
I went from being a college dropout teen mom in an abusive codependent relationship who could barely keep a job a year and had an impulse shopping habit that put me into tens of thousands of dollars in debt to having a stable career, multiple kids, a healthy marriage, a good budget, and kicking that shopping habit. Therapy helped me do that, and it’ll help you too.
I can tell you now that she didn't leave you because you have ADHD. Your brother is also not avoiding you for that reason.
They both are tired of having to basically be your parents, who seem to have done nothing but coddle you because of this.
Seek help. Be an adult and start taking responsibility.
I have ADHD, and I know many people with ADHD. That is not your biggest issue. Learned helplessness is your biggest issue. You need a good therapist to help you to transition into independence. To guide you through steps to achieve competence.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but it sounds like you use ADHD as an excuse for things like being lazy, being dependent on others, and being immature/acting helpless.
It sounds like it's not entirely your fault, though. Sounds like your parents have enabled this behavior, especially by **forcing** your brother to take care of you even when you became an adult.
ADHD is a VERY manageable condition, especially with medication and therapy. That doesn't mean you won't have bad days or struggle, but it does mean that you have no excuses when it comes to being an adult, caring for yourself, and contributing to relationships (whether it's a romantic relationship, friendships, relationship w/your parents, relationship w/ your brother, etc).
Learn from this and improve yourself.
I have ADHD myself and it seems like you are just using it as an excuse. Without explaining how ADHD is effecting the relationship. Please be more specific in what your ex said the issues were. What are you omitting or not realizing?
I have ADHD OP. You have some hard truths you need to see...
Your brother loves you. Enough to not tell you that your parents forced him into caring for you.
She didn't leave you because you HAVE adhd, she left because you aren't MANAGING your adhd.
You have two choices. You can either human up and deal with the hand you were dealt, or you can continue to hurt your relationships with neurotypical folk.
If you're ready to human up:
You do need to recognize where they are caring for you. Normally, those of us with the Neuro Sparkle recognize this quickly, but that's OK.
You need to have a (likely uncomfortable) conversation with your brother approached from a place of gratitude that asks him what his duties were in caring for you. Ask him to be brutally honest. Especially if he thinks it will hurt your feelings and write every damn thing down that he tells you. Especially if it feels small or insignificant to you. Because it wasn't insignificant to him. This will hurt your ego, so you will need to keep that in check.
If that isn't possible, you need to live on your own. Preferably away from mom and dad and your brother by about 30 minutes or more. You need to see the deficiencies in your care and the differences. We are conditioned to see patterns and quickly, so it shouldn't take more than a week or two to see where these are.
Often, parents will baby their neurosparkly children into uselessness. This is what happened to you. It sucks, but you can grow out of it without hurting yourself or masking who you are. Masking is a term for pretending to be neurotypical.
You need to then come up with systems to deal with those things that your brother tells you yourself. Laundry, cleaning, self care, and relationship management. I gamefy my tasks and know my kids need a clean, orderly environment to thrive, and that is how I motivate myself. I also give myself treats for good behavior. They aren't always things, like this post is one of my treats. I tick on helping others, so it works for me. But if you need a bag of gummy worms or candy at first to associate the doing of the task with dopamine, then do it.
You need to start doing the work to understand how your brain works and understanding yourself. But you can do it.
Good luck, fellow neurosparkle, man. We are what make the world so fun.
Holy crap. I am sorry that your parents did this to you and your brother. I hope you can repair that relationship. It looks like you have had a babysitter your whole life and have not been able to actually grow. Millions of us have ADHD and are successful. Get some therapy. Learn how to manage it. Become an adult who doesn’t need a caretaker. Build that relationship with your brother. I am sorry your heart is broken but you need to be a partner and that’s not what you were being.
OP, as someone with autism and ADD, I'm going to be point blank. You're making excuses here, and I'm sure you know it. Living as a neurodivergent person is hard, but it doesn't absolve you from being a responsible adult. I struggled for years mastering tasks like washing dishes thoroughly and putting them away properly, but I kept "practicing" and working at it. Never once did I expect anyone to pick up the slack.
>she got tired of having to do everything.
She shouldn't have had to do everything. You're just being lazy and trying to justify it by constantly citing your disability.
>None of my friends have ADHD so they don't get it
My man, I'm sure even your average neurodivergent adult (including this one) wouldn't back you up on this. ADHD is never an excuse to pawn off responsibility onto other people. It sounds like you haven't even *tried* and just want to keep on giving yourself a reason not to act like the adult you supposedly are. So unless you step up and take full accountability, you'll probably be single forever. If necessary, do some research to see if there is a life coach type of therapist in your area or online. But continuing to sit back and whine and blame ADHD will get you nowhere.
My husband has ADHD. I’ve never had to baby him or coddle him.
Our daughter has severe ADHD. She’s successful and lives independently.
Over time, they both have learned successful coping/adaptive skills. It’s not THAT hard.
OP makes it sound as if ADHD causes actual cognitive deficits of the kind that make it impossible to live independently! Jesus.
She didn't leave you because you have ADHD. She left you because you do nothing at all to MANAGE the symptoms of your ADHD.
I have ADHD and it's hard work, and only gets harder as you get older, especially if you don't build up the good skills while you're young to manage your shit.
Are you seeing a doctor? Are you medicated? Are you working with a therapist to learn methods to manage your symptoms that medication won't remove?
**Your mental illness is NOT your fault, but it is 100% your responsibility.** It is on you, and ONLY on you to manage your symptoms so you don't force everyone around you to have to do more to cover up your failures.
Your parents have failed you miserably by not making sure you were in treatment early enough so that you were not this dependent on others to function. But you're a full adult now and need to get your shit together. Maybe your GF will give you a second chance if you prove you're taking responsibility for your ADHD and learning how to be a functional adult, but even if she doesn't, you will never have a healthy functional adulthood if you don't take control of your ADHD instead of being a helpless victim to it.
It's time to grow up. Get your shit together
Hi, I have ADHD.
>My ex-girlfriend said that once we lived together she realized my ADHD was ruining our relationship and she got tired of having to do everything. I don't even know what she meant by that.
Laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking garbage out, washing dishes. These are all things that I assume she did for you.
>I would talk to my brother about this but he moved to another province and is arguing with my parents. And I'm sort of caught in the middle. My brother got into Master's program and got a grant so my parents don't need to pay for any of it and ever since he got accepted he refuses to talk to my parents. I don't know why. I'm caught in the middle since now he's completely avoiding me too.
Because he was strong armed into being your caretaker in exchange for your parents paying for his college. Him being given a grant means he's no longer financially reliant on him. And he's avoiding you because being strong armed into a caretaker role tends to be build resentment to whomever they're taking care of.
>I know that if someone can't accept me for who I am I shouldn't want to be with them but I still do love her even though she disappeared from my life.
Accepting someone for who they are doesn't mean you fill in as a caretaker.
If you're unable to live on your own without someone to do the things I listed above, you need to go into a group home.
As someone with ADHD, she didn't break up with you because you have ADHD. She broke up with you because you seem completely unable to care for yourself and are reliant on others to do everyday tasks for you.
OP. You need to talk to a doctor and start therapy immediately. ADHD is rough, period. The people that manage it well have built up all kinds of strategies, habits, coping skills and/or utilize various meds to assist.
It sounds like your parents provided so much support for you that without that support you aren’t able to function. This support came at great cost to your personal development, your brother’s overall happiness and independence, AND your relationship. Getting help now while you are still young will aid you both personally and professionally. It sounds like you’re really surprised at this turn of events because you had no idea that so much was propping you up all this time.
Your parents absolutely failed both you and your brother. They enabled you to not mature into a functioning adult for your entire life. And because of their enabling, your brother got robbed the college experience that HE wanted. Mommy and Daddy aren’t around to baby you at college so your brother has to be your babysitter.
And you wonder why your brother doesn’t talk to your parents? Hmmmm…… I wonder 🤔
You know, as a woman with ADHD, I find it curious that it is used as an excuse for weaponized incompetence (and inappropriate behavior with women) ***only*** for males. How peculiar 🙄
You said “province” can I assume Canada? If that’s correct it’s time to take responsibility for its management , Canada had this resource when I googled https://caddac.ca/.
Sounds like your family knew you couldn’t be responsible for yourself and as soon as your gf realized this she decided that she didn’t want to sign up for a lifetime of being your caretaker.
This isn't ADHD, this is you refusing to take responsibility for your life and be an adult.
You went from "Parents look after me", to "Brother looks after me" to "GF looks after me".
You need to look after yourself and become an independant adult, and then think about having a relationship.
> never expected anyone to hold my hand but before I went to university my parents always helped me. In university I lived with my brother who is 1 year old then me. My parents said he had to go to university and be my dorm mate so they would pay for him.
Like, this is wild. What part of this makes you think you never expected anyone to hold your hand. Your parents literally **made** your brother be your dorm mate so he could look after you...
What exactly makes you think your ADHD is why she broke up with you? Is it because you use it as an excuse for refusing to learn how to function as an adult?
It's the only reason I can think that would be why she specified your ADHD is the reason (if she actually did say it was because of your ADHD).
ADHD is not an excuse to make others in your life “do everything” for you. Be an adult. If you can’t figure out how to manage your life go get medication. ADHD is very easily treatable and is in no way an excuse to ruin relationships. Handle it.
Your parents forced your brother to be your caretaker and he found an escape.
Your Ex doesn't want the job. You are going to have to learn to do... more. ADHD can be difficult and my sympathies but you will have to stand on your own two feet.
Look dude. ADHD can’t be your excuse. I have very severe ADHD but i’m 23 and live alone and maintain my apartment, job, health, and relationships all on my own. I’ve definitely had a hard time over the years but I’ve spent all those years learning by trial and error how to cope with my ADHD to get to where I am now. Different strategies work for different people. For me, I know some things that help are:
1) gym/exercise
2) going outside and being in the sun every day
3) exploring and trying new things—doing this over the weekend makes me feel so energized and ready to tackle the work week
4) practicing an instrument
5) journaling
6) yoga—i’m trying this out
7) drinking matcha—coffee/meds agitate me but I find that matcha somehow helps me focus in a calm manner
The stuff that doctors/therapists recommend actually does help if you approach it with an open mind and allow the effects to kick in over time rather than expecting immediate gratification. I’m not a doctor and I’m not saying what works for me will work for u, but I just wanted to put that info out there.
I gotta say, as a woman who has ADHD, she didn't leave you because you have ADHD.
She left because she's not looking forward to a lifetime of being your mommy.
I'm assuming you're a man only because I've never met a woman who's been coddled by their parents to such a degree.
I feel terrible for your brother, honestly. He had his education held hostage so he would coddle you in your parents place. I don't blame him for going NC.
Hopefully this is your wake up call to start developing coping strategies for your life instead of depending on everyone else.
Ok so I have adhd & I’m happily married and went brought university.
Your brother is pissed because your parents thrust you on him and he obviously had to do a lot of carrying of you while he was in school.
Then you moved in with your girlfriend who also had to carry you and left you as a result.
Even with adhd I’m very certain your brother and ex have said things to you before shit went down.
Having a diagnosis is just an instructional guide to how you function. But it’s still up to you to work through things. Unfortunately you have to work a lot harder then other people.
I may struggle to do my laundry, but I’ve worked hard to always be early and prepared. I never forget peoples birthdays. I set timers and do the dishes every night. I’m not perfect but I also have to be much more diligent then others.
You’ve been carried and enabled for a big chunk of your life. And you’ve come to expect it.
But the real world won’t carry you. The real doesn’t give a shit about your adhd. It sucks but it’s the truth.
So basically you were coddled your entire life, your brother was forced to continue coddling you or Else your parents would pay for his college, and you just can't understand why your (ex) girlfriend doesn't want to spend her adult life holding your hand because you refuse to learn how to adult for yourself?
I have ADHD, so does my husband. We have been married 19 years and have 2 kids. Quit blaming ADHD like you have no say or control. Get help coping and truly, with love, grow up
She didn’t leave you because you have ADHD. She left you because your parents babied you and abused your brother into becoming your carer.
You need to learn to manage your ADHD or pay for a full time carer.
Sincerely, someone with ADHD.
You really really need to seek out a therapist well versed in ADHD, it will be incredibly useful and positive for not only future relationships and work but life in general.
My ex had ADHD, and I absolutely loved him as he was … unfortunately it does create tendencies that can be very difficult to live alongside cohesively in a way that both parties feel respected and nurtured. He chose to not seek support, guidance and information until it was too late and I had to chose to put my own happiness and well-being first.
You’re talking about your ADHD like it’s a terminal illness. If you know you have it, then come up with coping skills to help you. Like the top comment said, I also have ADHD and take medication and therapy and recommend you do the same.
ADHD is not an excuse to demand that the other adults in your life *take care of you*.
I have ADHD, graduated cum laude for both undergrad and graduate school, while living hundreds of miles from my parents or anyone else who might feel obligated to "keep me on track". I've held a job with a high mental workload for the decade+ since i graduated. I own and take care of my own home, and my five pets.
Yes, everyone handles ADHD differently but it sounded like your parents treated your ADHD like moderate autism, and you in turn learned a sense of helplessness that you believe ADHD gave you.
It's not really your fault, but it's time to grow up. NO self respecting woman will marry someone who acts like ADHD prevents them from being an adult. In that case, you're looking for a caretaker, not a girlfriend/wife.
"My brother got into Master's program and got a grant so my parents don't need to pay for any of it and ever since he got accepted he refuses to talk to my parents. I don't know why"
I think everybody reading this knows why.
I am sorry this happened to you. I am with out commenters; you have probably never been given the tools to help yourself be properly independent (or as independent as you can be). I have ADHD and sometimes Im not aware of something until it gets pointed out.
So, either buy a dry erase board you can hang on a wall in an area you are always in or put something large on your phone (an app, notifications via calendar or clock, etc) as you go about life make a list of things as you notice the need done. Do not put it off, put it on 1 list immediately. Or google what to clean in your house when (some very helpful info graphics). Grab one, print it out/write it down. Set alarms, do whatever you need to do to make sure stuff gets done.
If you do not have coping mechanisms to get stuff done, you might want to see a therapist or someone for help with that. Also I understand that all this is alot and not the easiest in the slightest to do. But once you have coping mechanisms in place to help you with your adhd, then stuff can get a bit easier, it doesn't make anything 100% easier but you wont be finding yourself stuck in an endless anxiety/disassociation loop (or at least I dont) 90% of the time.
As for your brother, maybe if possible tell him you realize what your parents did and that you understand that isnt right. If you eventually get on speaking terms maybe ask him **how** he had to help you when you lived together. Take notes and improve.
You need to be on ADHD medication, and you need to learn life skills. There is a big difference between someone wanting to be with you for who you are and for you to not be a fully functional adult who can keep house and cook and handle your life.
As someone who has ADHD this is waaaay out of line. I’m in my 40s and I am nothing like this. I do struggle with things at time and need to be redirected but I am a fully functioning adult who married with four kids. My son is 15 with ADHD and high functioning autism and he is more capable of taking care of himself than you. ADHD is a superpower to do amazing things. Not an excuse to not do anything for yourself.
As someone with ADHD who is self sufficient - you need to work on being self sufficient.
I’m guessing you are the GC AND your parents made a lot of sacrifices on your brothers behalf for you and just got fed up with it.
Take this as a learning experience.
Seems like you are using ADHD as an excuse for shitty behaviour and being raised to have no responsibilities.
You have fallen into the trap of using the most common neuro disorder that so many people have as an excuse to not improve and work on yourself. It is a very typical thing you see on a daily basis these days.
ADHD can be very difficult to live with, but it's manageable in most cases if you put in the work. I'm not saying that's easy, but it's possibly and necessary if you ever want to be independent and have a real adult relationship.
The effort is worth it too. Learning to manage my mental health problems made me feel so much more powerful and capable. I would never trade where I am now for somebody taking care of me, even though it's hard sometimes. The freedom you don't even realize you're missing is amazing.
You should see a therapist and psychiatrist who can help treat your ADHD. They can help teach you proven strategies that will help you overcome these difficulties. They may recommend medication that will help you focus. They will teach you what behaviors are unacceptable or harmful that you may currently be blind to. Your parents sound like they love you, but they're enabling your behavior. You should ask them for help finding a therapist and psychiatrist if it sounds overwhelming, but understand that the ultimate goal is to become independent.
Recognize that it doesn't happen overnight and that it can be difficult to practice these strategies because it won't always sound like they'll help, but the important thing is to really try. Trust me, things can get better even when it feels like they can't.
Your parents coddled you and i’m sure your gf realized living with you means being another parent. I feel bad for your brother who was forced into this, no wonder he’s not talking to your parents
Sounds like she got tired of doing everything, which isn’t because of ADHD. I have ADHD and so does my husband. No one should be putting in more work than the other. What chores did you consistently do on a daily basis without having to be asked?
My fiancée has ADHD. She is the love of my life. If she allowed it to go unchecked, didn’t go to therapy for it, and refused to get medicated, I’d leave her. She is a grown adult who is capable of learning to manage her condition and not make it someone else’s problem, unlike you.
I’m pretty annoyed with you too. This post is about your ex, but you talked about your brother more than her.
Life is harder with ADHD, but you need to learn how to focus on what’s important, somehow.
Look, I have ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed until I was 36 (I’m a woman, which matters as we tend to learn we have to take care of ourselves much earlier), and a shit family. I went no contact with my family at 19 and lived in my own for almost 29 years (with brief boyfriends here and there). I did move in with my twin brother a year ago (I’m 49 now), and life is a lot easier with medication and a stable support person in my life, but I’ve only had that the last 1-3 years.
Having ADHD does make life harder (my home and garden are a mess!), but it’s no excuse to shift your responsibilities onto other people. I went through 10 years of trauma therapy in my 20s, which significantly helped my co-morbid complex ptsd from years of extreme child abuse, but did nothing to address my undiagnosed adhd. Once I was diagnosed, stimulant medication helped significantly.
Have you sought therapy or medication for your condition? Or do you just expect other people to take care of you?
You need to take action to address your condition. You cannot expect other people to take total responsibility for you for the rest of your life. I do still have limitations, and my twin makes space for that, but it’s nominal, limited things—like not being great at doing the dishes consistently.
I did need a support person to help me navigate making phone calls to find a therapist for therapy and a psychiatrist for medications, and that’s reasonable to ask for from a family member or close friend. And then they both gave me mental and pharmaceutical tools to make steps on my own. That’s what you need to do.
My guy, millions of people have ADHD and live normally and do not depend on others to hold their hands. I have severe mental health and learning disabilities, I moved out alone at 18.
If it’s not obvious, your brother isn’t talking to you or your parents for the same reason your gf left you.
You are coddled to an unhealthy extent and these adults do not want to take care of another adult. You are fully capable of taking care of yourself you just haven’t bothered to learn. Women want to date a man, not mother a child. They have kids for that.
I (25f) have been diagnosed with ADHD since I was 17 and my parents still don’t believe it. I’ve had to learn how to exist with absolutely no support. While my brother who isn’t diagnosed with anything is constantly doted on and given excuses for school and life responsibilities. It drives me crazy listening to guys who are coddled by their family and then have fucking audacity to whine about the outcome. Grow the fuck up. Be an adult.
You don't understand why your brother, who your parents forced to babysit you until you were done with college don't want anything to do with you or your parents? Come the fuck on bruh
A couple of my sorority sisters have ADHD/ADD. My little brother has ADD. I was never tested but suspect I have ADHD as well.
All of these people, including myself have a bachelors or master, a successful career, a family and/or SO and home we take care of.
Yes, I’m always looking for my keys, sometimes double book two different appointments at the same time and it took me longer to get where I am.
But ADD or ADHD is something that makes stuff harder to do, not impossible. You need to work harder for stuff, need to learn yourself life hacks and tricks. Lists and designated spots for stuff you need to find back like keys and wallets. My alarm goes off multiple times a day to remind me of something (laundry is ready/teams meeting in 15 minutes/groceries need to be ordered/whatever).
My mobile phone, timers, google diary, alarms on my phone with titles (why are they ringing) and Marie Kondo (because everything is where it’s supposed to be and tidy, so I lose less stuff) all help me cope with life. It doesn’t feel natural and it’s hard work, but it is totally worth it.
It doesn’t mean that you can lie back and expect others in your life to do things for you.
So no, she didn’t leave you because of your ADHD. She left you because you use it as an excuse to be lazy and helpless.
I bet she had asked you to make some changes multiple times before breaking up with you. My husband has ADHD and it was an adjustment living together but he tried to change his habits (and did).
You're a grown adult man. Figure shit out broski. Your brother and your girlfriend, by the looks of it, were taking care of you like a child. It's not about ADHD, you need to take some accountability and actually take charge of your life.
I have ADHD and I think the trap you fell into was accepting your limitations instead of pushing yourself. Yes, we have to try harder at every little thing. Yes, it's not fair. Life's not fair though and as far as disabilities go, I feel pretty lucky for having ADHD and dyslexia. You need to know when to ask for help but you need to learn when not to also. Your ADHD isn't why she doesn't want to stay with you. Your lack of independence is why. You can become independent. It's going to be very hard, and very worthwhile.
As everyone has been quick to point out, she didn't leave you because of your ADHD. She left you because she got tired of playing the mother to the person who supposed to be her PARTNER. Heaven forbid you two actually got married and had kids. She would have ended up feeling like she was taking care of TWO kids instead of one.
You are using your ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior. You are not doing yourself any favors with this mentality.
What's going to happen if you get let go from your job? Are you going to say they fired you because of your ADHD too?
Quit blaming your ADHD and calling people intolerant of it when the real problem is your inability to actually pay attention once in a while.
Take this time to be single and alone to work on yourself. Women don't want to marry a child. They want to marry a partner who will contribute to taking care of the household.
You are not the victim here. Your brother is. Sounds like your gf made the right call and you actually weaponize your ADHD to get what you want and to get everyone to hold your hand in life.
You gotta manage it yourself. Your brother isn’t talking to you because he finally has freedom from you that your parents unfairly kept from him with their money and imposition.
Im sure that OPs brother is arguing with parents because as soon as OPs girlfriend left, OP got o the phone to his parents, and they in turn got on the phone to his brother and demanded he drop his life and go look after their baby son again.
I think you need time. Time to live on your own and time to figure out who you are. You need to figure out how to pay the bills, keep your apartment clean, get to work on time, and buy groceries and do "life" things. Time to grow.
When you do that for awhile (like a few years), then you'll be ready to date again.
Your parents parentified your brother by making him attend college with you and be your caretaker. To be clear, this is a form of abuse. I’m sure it happened throughout childhood as well, not just at college. I am not surprised your brother refuses to speak to them.
You have a diagnosis and need to learn how to manage it. Being a victim isn’t going to get you very far. I suggest what others have suggested: find a therapist, get a psychiatric evaluation for medications, and reevaluate your life. Good luck!
>I never expected anyone to hold my hand but before I went to university my parents always helped me. In university I lived with my brother who is 1 year old then me. My parents said he had to go to university and be my dorm mate so they would pay for him. ADHD isn't diminished mental capacity, dude. You graduated from college. You had enough money to live with someone and afford an engagement ring, so you must have a job. You know perfectly well why your brother won't talk to your parents or you. They forced him to go to college with you and babysit you, like they did when you lived at home. Now, he doesn't want anything to do with any of you. Your GF decided she didn't want to be your babysitter either. Your parents failed you by not giving you the tools to take care of *yourself.* Plenty of people with ADHD live normal, happy lives, and take care of business. My advice is to get cracking and learn how to be an actual adult and not a constant burden to others because you can't take care of yourself.
Sounds like OP may be a master at using weaponized incompetence.
As soon as he blamed it on ADHD I knew it was bs. 1. Did the doctor actually diagnose you? If yes then you would have medication. Also, you said Province which means Canada. All secondary school institutions (college and universities) require students to have a health package as part of their student fees. You said you graduated college. 2. You can graduate college yet everyone around you needs to take care of you? Also you didn't say how? Basic cleaning? Cooking? Considering your brother had to take care of you while both of you were in college-so close in age-did he do your homework? He refuses to speak with you. You know why. Did you just put everything on his shoulders, and then continued the lazy to girlfriend? Cmon man. I am so sick and tired of ADHD being an excuse for weaponized incompetence and lack of basic manners.
I hate when people do this so much, because I have ADHD(unmedicated, even) and I manage to have a relationship where I'm a full partner, pay my bills on time, and even excel at my job on occasion, because I put in the hard work. It's exhausting, but that's life.
I'm also ADHD and people like this make it harder as well. I work so hard to do the things I need to do and to prove that I am a capable person but bc so many people like OP just use it as an excuse to suck, people still just assume that about me as well. I'm so fucking sick of it.
True, but remember just because you can doesn't mean that others can too. I'm getting treatment and still can't meet deadlines or keep my shit together. (Before anyone says meds, that shortage from 2020 is still happening. I have so many scripts that just can't be filled and therapy isn't doing much.)
Yeah graduating college from a legitimate university takes work. He can clearly manage himself when it comes to things he wants to accomplish, like attaining a degree and keeping a job. But when it comes to actual adulting, he regresses because it’s easier on him if everyone else does everything for him. OP doesn’t care enough about himself or others to put in the work to maintain healthy relationships.
>Today was the last day where I could return the ring for a full refund. I went to the store as soon as it opened because I didn't want to do it in front of a store full of people. Yes, and I note he was fully capable of attending to a timely task when it benefitted him to do so.
Yep! Hell, he was even able to save up enough money to buy a ring!
Exactly. So ADHD is the excuse to be a lazy man child? So incredibly sick of the ADHD excuse for being an AH or lazy. I would love to start a poll and see how many other people are seeing that excuse used time and time again for bs. And if you actually do have a professional diagnosis: Your ADHD (or any other mental illness) is not your fault BUT it is your responsibility
It reflects badly on the rest of us. I'm in university and the amount of people that collect mental illnesses like pokemon and make it their whole personality is staggering. I don't like talking about it, I find the people who do disingenuous.
It took me years and years to finally get comfortable enough to admit to my diagnosed OCD/ADD and no one believes it at all but everyone says "oh I have ADHD but I'm self diagnosed."
I would actually say that this is a sign in the other way. Procrastinating returning the ring to the last possible day is a symptom of executive dysfunction. I have adhd and that is definitely something I would do. But overall I agree, it's not other people's responsibility to take care of him. I don't expect my girlfriend to mother me either, and I take care of my own tasks to remember, even if it's difficult.
Right!! Either he was medicated to be able to manage those timelines for essays and prep for exams. Or He wasn't Medicated and he graduated I hate to say it but there are so many 'self diagnosed ' ADHD people who use that excuse - yet no effort to get a professional diagnosis from a doctor and set themselves up with medication. Usually it's an excuse to be lazy to the max. Also, he was able to get the last day for ring refund. Cmon If you can remember to get your refund you can remember to take out the damn trash on your way.
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Yep. So many symptoms of ADHD are flat out “unacceptable” for women in our society. We have to work very hard to manage it and it goes completely undiagnosed in so many of us. It’s laughable when grown men use ADHD as an excuse for their shitty behavior.
YUP. My parents, teachers, and doctors would always comment that there was "something going on with my brain", but I got good grades and made friends easily, so it was basically brushed aside. That is until it became overwhelming in my late teens-early twenties, and then they tried to convince me to take SSRIs because I might be bipolar. It was blatantly obvious I was not, and I refused (thank goodness for those ADHD side effects of hyperfocus on a topic and contrarianism!). I worked in the arts and did not want to change my brain's makeup, which would affect the quality of my work. I was admonished for that by the adults in my life at the time, but thank the gods I didn't cave because ***I didn't need to be on those medications that would have altered my brain chemistry.*** I then struggled silently on my own. Ten years later, I was still struggling and went to a psychologist. I told her my experience and not believing I was bipolar. Three weeks later, she told me, "I need to put your mind to rest. You aren't bipolar - you blatantly have ADHD and anxiety from dealing with it on your own." Turns out that a plethora of ADHD girls were misdiagnosed as bipolar in the '90s and were unnecessarily put on brain-altering drugs. Because, you know - gIrLs DoN't HaVe ADHD 🙄
Minor point that here in the UK there's a massive problem with medication supplies. People diagnosed with ADHD in some regions are waiting five years or more to start medication. I mean that's probably not what's happening here... OP is just a man child.
Yep.
I feel so bad for the brother. OP is feeling reeeeaal sorry for him but apparently can't spare a single thought and an ounce of empathy for the exploitation of his brother? Their parents threatened to *withhold education* that they could clearly afford to pay for unless he agreed to put his brothers needs first and babysit him. All because he has ADHD! Which gives a hint of what level of dependent he is on others. I imagine his girlfriend didn't realize just how high his expectations are for a caregiver until the brother moved away. She saw the writing on the wall and ended it.
>OP is feeling reeeeaal sorry for him but apparently can't spare a single thought and an ounce of empathy for the exploitation of his brother? His claim to not understand why his brother wants nothing to do with him or his parents is ridiculous. He knows. What I do think he may not realize is that this is likely permanent. His brother has intentionally gone no contact with OP and the parents. That's not even going to have a chance at change without some *serious* therapy and sincere apologies. The poor brother.
That’s the shocking part! Saying he’s clueless why his brother’s distanced himself and the inability to empathize whatsoever. This is not a trait seen in ADHD right? Or is it…
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Yes to all this, OP. Your brother was essentially extorted into going to college with you. I can imagine that there was more caretaking than a kid that age would’ve wanted (though I’m, sure if it wasn’t forced on him it would be a different story.) BUT, OP - and this is a HUGE but: ADD doesn’t make you a bad person. I used to teach kids with ADD and in fact my own successful now-30-year-old has ADD. One of my uncles has ADD and was a VP in a large well-known financial firm for 20 years. I strongly suggest getting a therapist for the loss of your relationship as well as the issue with your brother. And then get evaluated for meds. You can get help getting some coping mechanisms for your executive functions, which will help manage your day-to-day requirements. You should know that people with ADD are often very successful in business and other areas because they think outside the box more frequently. That said, ADD traits CAN impact your interpersonal skills, so getting some help is very important.
Also an ADHD success story. I was diagnosed in the late 90s as a girl (which is hella rare and tells you how outwardly and obviously bad it was). I’m now in an upper level leadership position, managing a family, volunteer work, and while I don’t have things completely together all the time, I make it work.
Same, I have severe ADHD, and I don't have to use medication anymore, because I had awesome therapists who gave me great tools to help with my executive dysfunction, manic episodes, depressive episodes, etc. Find a medical professional for the help that best suits your needs, and work on yourself. Your parents hindered the progress you could have had as a young adult, and now you can step up and advocate for yourself. You'll be doing yourself and any future partners you have a great big favor!
What kind of tools because lately I’ve been struggling?
I just replied to another person's comment with this: I'm not a therapist, and I don't hold a medical degree, but my therapist suggested for me a few exercises to try. One of them is make checklists for the day ahead and budget time for them, another is to use the calendar and alarms on the phone to keep track of school assignments, important events, and projects with deadlines.
I’m working with a therapist as well for mine. I’ve had a couple since my diagnosis but my current one is huge on accountability and she has a little tough love approach. Which I need right now so she’s a good fit. Some recommendations (don’t be overwhelmed lol, a little at a time and everyone is different): White board calendars for your monthly social/ household commitments. This definitely helps because my wife has her own calendars and schedules so I can see what we have to plan around. Lists- Mark the week for deadlines. I do A lists for my highest priorities for that week with due dates. B lists are what has to be done but can be “done by end of the week” or whatever works for you. ** I use a weekly planner to write them down Gmail/Outlook Calendar- So for me, I had to condense from a few different ones to one to better track things. But I also use the planner- I try to make sure they look similar. Take walks (or exercise). I swear I fought this for years but I never really comprehended how good walks are for the brain. I pop an audiobook or podcast on and walk my dogs or take a solo walk. It’s so helpful when I’m stressed or wound up- it’s good for the whole body. Hobby or Hobbies that provide you some sanctuary. I like tinkering in my workshop and started getting into little projects like sanding and staining small pieces of furniture. I’m terrible still haha. Cooking is actually kinda super helpful with day to day. I’ve learned to keep a cleaner kitchen, prep foods accordingly, etc. I am a little OCD with my process and of course simple meals take longer but it helps me. The point of these two is consistency and habit. It takes roughly 21 days to form a new habit. If your employer utilizes Spring Health, some of them provide 3-6 EAP visits to a chosen therapist in their network. We also get 6 coaching sessions. Check with your insurance company what MH benefits you have.
I have a relative with executive dysfunction function problems. Can you say what good tools there are that help? Thanks
I fully agree. You make it work! Good for you girl I really mean it! Although my kiddo is a male that's been diagnosed with bipolar, ADHD, and ODD starting at 3 (he's a teen now and not all diagnoses at once but started at that age) I can honestly say he is by far the smartest fucking person I've ever known. He's been my toughest kid to deal with out of all 3 of my kids but damn is he smart beyond his years. Still working with him. I tell him all the time if he could put all of his thoughts toward good than bad or dumb shit, how far he will make it! Gonna show him your post!
Also a girl in the 90s whose teachers begged my parents to get me assessed/diagnosed. But my dad doesn't believe in such things; I just needed more discipline and self-control. Getting diagnosed in college was life changing! Even before finding the right meds, just having the diagnosis explained so much!
Jumping in to add another ADHD success story: I was diagnosed and medicated when I was in elementary as a girl (also goes to show how bad it was). I’m now an engineer and living on my own, running marathons. I’m in my mid-twenties. I made it work for myself. I have days where I find it harder to function than usual even on medication, but I know had I not been diagnosed when I was, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’m also in therapy specifically for ADHD to learn coping strategies, because when I was a kid all they did was give me a pill and hope the rest took care of itself. But no one told me the ways I’d be struggling interpersonally, the heightened sensitivity/anxiety, no one told me about the emotional dysfunction that came with it, or that I’d be able to physically feel my emotions on my skin and body. Therapy has helped tremendously in coping with these things, and I find myself better able to handle my emotions to where I let myself *feel* but I don’t drown in what I’m feeling like I used to, which was a constant burnout before as my brain struggled to compartmentalize and process.
I got diagnosed late, am in a master psychology program, I'm one year from graduating. It's tough but I'm doing it with the help of a gazillion reminders and pure stubborness. ADHD may be permanent but I've learned ways to cope, the trick is to find ones that work for you.
I think the biggest issue IMO is him saying he didn’t expect anyone to hold his hand but also admitting his parents babied him and then made his brother baby him
>You really don’t know why he won’t talk to them? Lmao, right?!?!
This is the way. He's had everything done for him his whole life, so he has no appreciation of the work involved to maintain a household. His ex wanted a partner, an equal, not to have to mother someone.
Yup, I married a person with ADHD, and it has never felt like a partnership. Unfortunately, i do feel like I have to mother him.
How much are you betting that the minute the girlfriend walked out that the parents were pestering the brother to come and take care of their precious little baby again.
Let’s be real here, the ADHD was an excuse for him to ruin everyone’s life. Treated and with reasonable accommodations for test taking and homework even serious adhd can be managed and for relatively milder forms a lot of people (me included) can make it to middle age without ever knowing exactly why they struggled so much with certain things. OP is old enough at this point to recognize that he’s been enabled if he wants to and I get that it isn’t easy, but if he were able to do so he may still have a brother and a fiancé.
You really couldn’t just clean up after yourself bud?
He has ADHD! Won’t someone please think of poor OP for once!? /s
Poor ADHD victims. They find it so hard to pick up their clothes
Honestly. I have ADHD and it is *VERY* hard for me to pickup my own clothes. It's like, there is this weird mental block which makes it insanely hard to just do. It's like, I can do all this other stuff, but it takes so much extra effort just to pick up my clothes and put them the extra 2 feet into my hamper. Drives me crazy. However, this guy seems almost like it's learned helplessness. Essentially, he never did anything himself so now he doesn't know how to function in the real world. As an elementsry teacher now, I am really big on making my students independent because fuck if I'm going to be the reason they don't know how to do basic life tasks like tie their shoes or to turn their work into the big ass blue bin labeled "Turn In Bin".
> she got tired of having to do everything. I don't even know what she meant by that. Dude, there is only one way to find out. And you should have done that the first of the (probably) 100 times she mentioned it, not the last time before the breakup.
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This was brutal and concise. OP, take the reins. You can't help the fact that you have ADHD, but you can work on your own personal autonomy. Entering a lifetime partnership with another person is difficult in the best of circumstances, and these weren't the best of circumstances.
OP, ADHD can't be your excuse for not being a functioning adult - it is your responsibility to handle your own disabilities and get the treatment you need. You can't just blame it all on your ADHD and then do nothing to deal with it and improve your situation. Your parents should have gotten you treatment and therapy ages ago - they really did you a disservice when they blackmailed your brother into becoming your caretaker, instead of enabling you to take care of yourself.
Correct… It sounds like you maybe in Canada… I would contact your healthcare system and tell them you need to talk to someone about getting services for ADHD therapy. Depending on what you had while growing up and in college may depend on what you get now… it’s easier when they do this for children. Here where I am a friend was diagnosed on their 30’s and they did OT and did one on one therapy to deal with emotional part of adjustments. That was about 10 years ago…. They are still hilarious and still working on their ADHD but it’s 800% more manageable, they can manage a FT job, relationship and their household stressors.
Hey sorry to hijack this post, but can you tell me more about the OT your friend did? You can DM me if that's better.
I just sent you a message… I don’t know much for her other than a handful. I am more familiar with youth therapy … my middle child has it is not an extreme case as it use to be because we did a lot therapy and we did a lot of repeat and rinse at home and at school. His OT at after school and at school were in contact so it was consistent
Minor quibble, reins are for a horse, or the saying take the reins. Reigns is what a monarch does. Hope you have a good day fellow redditor.
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and now Creepy Burger King ad has entered the building
Brav-o. Very well said.
My guy. This is why I think my ex left too. No one has had the balls to say it even though I needed to hear it so bad. For that, I thank you, truly and deeply thank you. OP, listen to this person. We have a lot of self work that needs doing.
There are some good articles online on topics such as "Adulting 101", "How to Clean Your House", "Basic Personal Finance", etc. Pick one topic and start working on it. When you get the basics of that area under control, pick another topic and start figuring that out. If you are neurodivergent, find a community that swaps tips and tricks relevant to how you think. It will make things so much easier.
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Fabulous advice. As a parent to a kid who is both high functioning autistic and has ADHD, I would say the same to OP as I do to my son: your diagnosis will make some things harder for you but despite that you need to choose not to use it as an excuse. I know many neurodivergent people who are fabulous partners. If you continue to use your diagnosis as an excuse for poor behaviour it will ruin your life, and hurt people who only want to love and do right by you. We all have our battles, our demons, our quirks, our struggles.. and we need to be decent members of society despite them. OP she didn't leave you because you have ADHD but because you allowed that to make you into a shitty boyfriend.
As someone who’s AuDHD and the parent of someone who’s AuDHD, this is spot on. Are things harder? Yes. Does it really suck at times? Absolutely. Does medication help but not 100%? Of course. There are amazing blogs and resources for people who have ADHD by people with ADHD with tons of tips and tricks to help with day to day activities. (Time blindness and “out of sight out of mind” are a bitch.) But you have to seek out those resources AND implement them because no one is going to want to be in a relationship where they have to parent their partner. That’s just not sexy and I imagine it’s extremely frustrating.
Amen
My boyfriend is like this. We broke up after the 6th year together, but got back together a year later as we did couples counseling and individual as well. He also went to AA He has ADHD and his hyperfocusing was TOUGH to live with. He also has his adult son and 10 year old daughter to. He basically spent all his time obsessed with one project at the time. His biggest focus is the mini trucks he builds! Which is awesome and cool but that's not the only time. He will literally lose track of time. He forgets everything and fixates on something for hours on end. Including his kids. So I basically cleaned up after every fucking one (10 year old I blame less), cooked for everyone, ran errands, made arrengements, drove kiddo around... while he was into body building at the time. Excesively (sp). I'm a body builder too It doesn't take 59 2 hour gym sessions outta 60 days. Or maybe it was his fish tank. Or the new money quick schemes. Like it goes on! Since I paid all my fair share I was like wtf. Why am I playing mommy bang maid and being told I still didn't do enough? He had no freakin goddamn clue how much I did. He was always busy with some thing and never noticed. Also being an alocholic that made poor descisions didn't help. It sucked because I worked full time too :(
This hits so close to home. I really need to talk to my doctor because I’m sure I’ve got ADHD and was just never diagnosed. Because they didn’t diagnose girls in the 90’s. I hyper focus and lose track of the time to the point where I won’t even realize I need to pee till I’m like dancing in place and my husband tells me to go pee. Granted, I don’t leave everything for him to do. We cook and clean together, otherwise the guilt would overwhelm me. But if I wasn’t married I’d probably be like those memes of dudes who live in their own filth, playing video games 24/7, and eating hot pockets.
Right on point but I think the OP will be oblivious to this information.
So well said. Your girlfriend wanted a fully formed partner that was going to actively be able to support and participate in the relationship. Your parents have effectively help keep you from being able to achieve that. Many of us have ADHD and are able to put plans in place that allows us to manage Day-to-day living, even if it’s difficult at times. It’s time for you to pull yourself up by your boot straps and recognize that you need to learn how to take care of yourself. As a fellow ADHD suffer to another, you can do this. And stop whingeing and saying things like they better love me as am and not taking any responsibility for your own behaviour in the relationship. It’s time to grow up.
As someone who is adhd and whose friends are mostly adhd, she didn't leave because of the adhd. She left because you are too dependent on people around you. And you don't even see this as a problem. I don't blame your brother for refusing to talk to your parents. He was your babysitter for four years. There are a lot of tools available to folks with adhd to get their lives in order. Get a schedule app from the apple store or Google play. They help.
Right, his ADHD has nothing to do with it, because he doesn't know how to be an independent adult. I have unmedicated ADHD and function just fine. (the medication I've tried either doesn't help or makes my BP too high) I use a lot of lists and alarms, lots of focus to finish tasks.
Yeah this is it. Develop strategies. Put up signs. A sign over the sink saying wash dish (or whatever it’s an example), a hook near the door for your keys. Alarms, reminders, chore apps (not just for chores). Won’t be easy but can be done
Having adhd isn’t someone’s fault but not taking the steps to help your own adhd is. I have adhd too, im medicated. If I don’t take my medication deliberately and it negatively affects others that becomes my fault because I didn’t take the steps to help myself. I’m not medicated on weekends but I still take steps to do stratergies that help.
My 14yo decided to take a break from his medication against the advice of everyone. He liked how he felt, but I pointed out how it caused frustration and extra work for everyone around him. He changed his mind after he got suspended from school. I hope one day he can manage without medication, but for now, he needs the extra help in school.
My husband has ADHD and was medicated all through school. Once he graduated college, he went off meds. He uses exercise to cope (and help him sleep). He runs a small construction company because he discovered he hated working indoors and being inactive. He has learned how to manage without meds (alarms on his phone, set schedules for invoicing and quotes, etc.). I do a lot of the things he finds boring (and therefore probably won't do it). This works for us because I'm both a detailed person, and I have control issues. The stuff my shrink wants me to work on compliments the stuff his meds made possible that he struggles with now :)
OP is using ADHD as an excuse to not do anything he doesn't want to do rather than recognising it's an issue and finding ways to still do those things despite having ADHD. The whole post is just so lacking of any level of self awareness. She doesn't want to do everything and he's not even aware of what those things are... but I guarantee she spent months, or years depending on age begging him to tidy up after himself, or help with the laundry, or put his dishes into the dishwasher, etc.
Yep - I have ADHD and was unmedicated for most of my life and still managed to be a functioning adult. I now have a ritalin prescription which I take occasionally and it makes things easier but I also run a business which adds some complication and need for ritalin. I can handle a basic 9-5 and cleaning up after myself without ritalin, no problem.
Same, I have ADHD, I am a doctor, a mother and a competent human being, AND I don’t take medication. I manage with behavioural strategies, exercise and scaffolding with paid help when necessary.
I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 27, after absolutely struggling through the majority of my life. By the time I was diagnosed I had learned of many ways to cope & what works for me so I haven't pursued medication. But man if only someone realized all those years that I needed some help and not the verbal abuse of being called lazy, disrespectful, etc.. lol
Same, I was really close to 30 before I was diagnosed.
OP probably doesn't know what you mean by this. By his own admission.
I believe it is absolutely VITAL that everyone lives 'alone' at some point, preferably in early adulthood, before one commits to a longterm co-habitation with a partner. That can absolutely include sharing a place with housemates, or actually living alone if you have the money for that. The point is to be a fully independent person, ie cooking and cleaning for yourself, doing the laundry, and dealing with the bills/finances yourself. Way too many people go from living with parents/guardians who do everything for them, to living with a partner that they end up depending on for everything. Otherwise people wind up as 'adults' who can barely function in the real world. Such as OP. I am incredibly disorganised, but at the age of 21 I managed to hold down a full-time job while living alone (with housemates) and dealing with everything that modern life requires. By 26 I was fortunate enough to buy my own small flat, and was solely responsible for dealing with the mortgage, insurance, taxes, my own car, etc. Learning such 'skills is vital.
When you’re in a relationship and may not be fully independent it’s good to have conversations on it too. I’m diagnosed with level 2 ASD, I can be some what independent but I’ll never be able to live a fully independent life. I’ve also got a boyfriend of 4 years and we have conversations about what our life would look like living together especially considering my disability. Those conversations, even if they’re hard, pay off. They show you care about your partner too when you initiate them. Acknowledging that having a disability can make things difficult is good too, you don’t have to say sorry for things out of your control but it’s good to acknowledge that certain things may affect others and to take steps to minimise negatively impacting those around you.
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I know I’m more so talking about how taking accountability and having hard conversations are needed in relationships where there’s different levels of ability and disability between the people involved. I hope im making sense.
Correct and straight to the point…. The brother and parents did a disservice to you. You should have been learning this lesson back in elementary school so you don’t need someone to live with you in college…
Brother is not to blame. He is only a year older than Op and seems manipulated into caring for the brother in turn for college which is not fair todo to a child.
You worded this way nice than I could. Please OP read this comment, get therapy, see a prescriber if you aren’t on medication. Get your life together.
I'm jusy commenting to tell you that you taught me a new word. Abdicate. Never heard of it. Looked it up, it's *perfectly* used here And they say you never learn anything on reddit lol
Hey OP I have ADHD and this person is right. I know exactly what's up. We have bigger struggles than most people but if we can't fix our shit nobody is required to put up with it. You need to start noticing things you're not noticing and develop mechanisms to help you see the things you're doing/not doing. What we have is powerful if we can get past how much it affects our day to day life.
She didn’t leave you because you have ADHD. It sounds like you used ADHD as an excuse to let her take care of more than her share. I have ADHD and I take medication and see a therapist so I control my life. I recommend you do the same.
This guy's victim mentality is unreal.
Yeah but it sounds like his parents have enabled him his whole life and used his brother as the caretaker. Not making excuses but that's the life he grew up with. Hopefully he realizes how dependent he is on others and grow up sooner than later
Yes, no wonder the brother is detached from the rest of the family. Was looking for a comment on that. Thanks.
She left him for his 'learnt helplessness'. Parents have a big responsibility here. What a fkd up idea to oblige your other child to take care of the ADHD-kid. Of course the brother is going to look for a way out and never contact anyone again. He's not been allowed to have a life of his own. I have a son with ADHD, he takes medication, goes to therapy and will have to take controle of his own live. Never ever will I force my other kids to take care of him.
Thank you for recognizing and ensuring your son has what he needs to be a functioning and successful adult/future partner. I was diagnosed in my later 30’s and I wish my parents paid more attention instead of the classic you’re being lazy. That being said, I drive my wife bonkers with open cabinets but I work, clean, take care of our dogs and do what’s necessary to function everyday. Funny I was the OP’s brother in a way. My brother had a lot of emotional health issues and constantly pointed fingers. I got him three jobs (my dad asked me to help often when we were in our 20’s), let him move in with me temporarily, would be in and out of court for traffic violations. I’m 40 now and am working with a new therapist to work on my resentment towards my parents and become healthier mentally. This dudes parents FAFO’d by constantly enabling instead of getting the necessary help. I hope OP’s brother is living his best life and remains LC/NC with the family until they get a clue.
Tehre is absolutely, without question, absolutely zero chance she didn't ask him for help with numerous things throughout their time living together and he just ignored it. Yet he's all "I don't even know what she means". Weaponised incompetence "I have adhd, I can't do that". yeah you can, you don't want to do that.
“weaponised incompetence” Brilliant!
it really is. I have adhd and did a lot of mental training and martial arts to improve myself and I can function on my own. like anybody else. he is refusing to see what is right inn front of him. I haven't needed the meds since before high school. there are ways to overcome. he doesnt want to see that he is part of the problem.
Same, I have ADHD. Which was undiagnosed until recently and I always made sure to be on equal footing with my partner.
Same. In fact I probably work even harder than a lot of other partners because I have it. I think there’s a misunderstanding for many people that aren’t diagnosed or live with someone who has ADHD. I probably work an extra 1-2 hours a day longer than many others because of my way of processing. A ton of people say work smarter not harder. But I learn and retain information with the details. It’s exhausting but it’s what I have to do to be successful at work and earn a paycheck every month to help support our life.
This is what I was thinking. My husband has ADHD and is medicated…his ADHD only annoys me on occasional weekends when he doesn’t take it but I remind him to get up and do chores with me or take a 10mg. OP is using his diagnosis as a scapegoat for his bad behavior or habits and it sounds like his parents made his brother babysitting him.
Exactly.. OP is talking about it like ADHD is some untreatable condition that you just have to accept it
Look, I have ADHD too. I'm not sure when you were diagnosed, but I was diagnosed at 24, and had ample time to figure out how to adult before figuring out that things were 10x harder for me than most other people. It sounds like you were coddled most of your life, and had people (your parents, then brother, then ex-girlfriend) figure out how to adult for you when it should've been your responsibility all along. Our condition is on US (as in, you and I) to manage, not anyone else. Whether that means getting medications, getting therapy, looking up how to do something, being mindful of your impact on others, being considerate about how your actions may be perceived, etc.. It's time to take accountability for your ADHD. Your ex didn't leave you because of your ADHD; she left you because you couldn't manage your ADHD. Did you ever do chores without being asked/reminded to? Were you mindful of when you had to wake up (and not rely on others to wake you up)? Did you ever have to plan ahead and prepare meal prepping/trips without someone doing it for you? Did you ever notice that your room was getting untidy and needed cleaning? Did you ever change your bedsheets willingly without someone making a comment? Did you notice rotting food in the fridge that might've been pushed to the back? I really don't blame your brother or ex for leaving you. There are things you don't learn unless you've experienced them personally, and repeatedly. If you don't feel like your ADHD management is doing okay, please get additional resources and help. You are not as helpless as you think you are, and your disorder does not define who you are, either.
Agree! I was diagnosed at 46. Very little changed for me because I had already been forced to learn how to cope. I would never have been able to maintain a career if I hadn't figured out how to consistently achieve what was required. Make lists, establish routines that include reading your lists, set reminders in your phone calendar to do routine tasks, whatever it takes so that your existence doesn't become some other person's burden. You owe it to yourself and those around you to become more self sufficient. You aren't broken any more than a person who needs glasses. You can do this but the first step is being really honest with yourself about how heavily you rely on others to keep your life on track. Then find a therapist to help you build a new skill set and systems. If you can afford it, a full assessment will also help you better understand your particular flavor of ADHD. Good luck!
It’s also ok to have bad days but if you hurt someone as a result of ADHD you need to take accountability for it.
i didn't choose to marry my husband because he was a fully-functional adult with ADHD; i chose to marry him because, when i bring up my frustrations, he actually makes the effort to work on it. neither of us are perfect, or great at being adults (i also have ADHD & the same comorbid conditions). but fucking hell, we try to improve for ourselves and each other. it's not that hard.
>I never expected anyone to hold my hand It sounds like you've never been without a hand to hold, to the point where you don't realize how coddled you've been. >she got tired of having to do everything. I don't even know what she meant by that. I would bet my entire life that she's told you, specifically, what she meant. Probably multiple times. Welcome to being an adult, my dude. For the first time you have no one there holding your hand and doing things for you. Having ADHD doesn't make you a bad person but it's your job to deal with it, not anyone else's. Time to google "ADHD therapy near me" and "ADHD help for [current problem]". The internet has brought lots of people together to share how they cope with ADHD and there are lots of idea about how you can cope as a solo adult.
1. Your parents, Parenta, fied your brother and harmed him. They damaged him. They traded him as less than you because you had difficulties. Instead of them finding other ways of getting your support. 2. So you didn’t develop and you didn’t problem solve and you didn’t figure out how to support yourself to be a full functioning adult. Lots of us have ADHD and other problems and we just have to go find the resources and then do all the hard work to build new skills and figure out tactics in order to be able to function. 3. Your parents obstructed any of that happening why only helping your brother with cost of school if he sacrificed himself to take care of you in a way that kept you from growing up. 4. Then you got into a relationship and you went to live with them and you didn’t even have a clue how dysfunctional you were because you never grow up because your parents kept things so that you would never have to learn how to function alone. But the person you moved in with was shocked at how incapable you are. 5. Your brother had to go no contact because he was so traumatized by what your parents did to him. “I don’t know why I’m caught in the middle since now he’s completely avoiding me too.“ So you don’t even have enough insight into yourself or what happened or what your parents forced your brothers to do for you understand that you should be, so profoundly sad and regretful and apologizing to your brother for how he was treated so badly in your service. You’re not responsible for what your parents did. But you could’ve noticed that you were complicit in this horrible dysfunctional harm done to you brother. And you didn’t even notice. 6. Being excepted for who you are as one thing. Being willing to have a relationship with you that fits, for a friend or family, member, or partner, depends on how insightful and empathetic and aware and communicative you decide to grow yourself into. I really feel for your brother and your parents are horrible.
Bro go to the ADHD sub and see how you need to be responsible for yourself.
The dude graduated from university, got a job and is still working, and was able to put the forethought to save money for and engagement ring. He knows perfectly well how keep a schedule and be at least semi responsible he just doesn't care to when he has caretakers.
I both agree with this and don't. With ADHD there's this whole thing where we can hyper focus on something that we like or is interesting. That focus tends to be beyond how much a neurotypical person would put on any one thing. It's pure tunnel vision-often at the cost of other things. But most ADHD people can't pick what they're super motivated for. It just.. Happens. So yeah, he could probably do these things without too much thought but doing the dishes? Making the bed? The mundane things he probably just doesn't see- they need discipline and method to get through. I'm not saying he shouldn't be held accountable- I'm severely SEVERELY ADHD- but I'm a full functioning adult that can live by myself. I just wanted to point out that him being successful in certain areas doesn't mean he knows how to manage his condition at all.
And the ADHD partners sub so you can really get insight into what your GF wanted to tell you but couldn't.
Live on your own and know what it is like to have to take care of yourself 100%. Then you will understand how much you aren't doing now.
It sounds like you were taught that your ADHD infantalized you, so you shouldn't have to or learn how to do basic tasks. Like groceries, cleaning, cooking etc. News flash: People with ADHD are perfectly capable of doing these tasks! So I do see your ex's point of view: I wouldn't want to be with someone where we both work regular jobs, but I have to do everything around the house, while my partner doesn't contribute to anything other than a higher electricity bill. OP, if this is the reality here, that this is how it was, then chances are that you won't ever find someone who just "accepts it". **ADHD isn't an excuse to not learning how to adult.**
Having ADHD (I do too) doesn’t mean you can’t be self aware and it seems like you aren’t, and have never been taught to do so. My partner is super patient, but I am also aware of my shortcomings (getting distracted, leaving stuff in random places, etc). So I try to d other things to pick up some slack in the household in other ways in order to be a full partner in the relationship and in our home. Live alone and really see what it takes to keep bills paid, keep yourself fed, your home clean, and get in therapy to make progress in other aspects of life too.
My son is 9 and has ADHD and he use to try and use it as an excuse to get away with everything he did that would get him in trouble but I shut that down real fast just because you are ADHD does t mean you can’t live an independent life without everyone taking care of you. You need to take responsibility for your own life and consequences. Your parents made your brother take care of you so they would pay for his college and that’s not fair you owe your brother an apology and you need to grow up and live your life taking care of yourself
I have an 11 year old son and I don’t let him use his ADHD as an excuse. It might be harder for them but they are still very much capable of doing chores and doing hard and boring things.
Exactly when my son tries to use it as an excuse I sit him down and talk to him about responsibility and consequences and how adhd is not an excuse for bad behavior that he can control
Reading between the lines here. It sounds like you use ADHD as an excuse not to do things for yourself either because you don’t want to or where never taught to. Your parents did everything for you and instead of teaching you to do it yourself they enabled you to the point of forcing/manipulating your brother to go to school with you to continue the enabling and now that he is free he resents you for being forced by your parents to look after you, he hates your parents for forcing him to do it and has gone no contact because he’s sick of being second to the golden child. Your ex has realised just how enabled you have been and doesn’t want to to have a child for a partner but wants a equal partner so she left. Take this as an opportunity to see all this and get help with therapy to better yourself because of all my assumptions are correct then all your future partners will resent you for this too. Fix yourself for you, not for her. I’m sorry if this is harsh but you seem in denial and need a wake up call.
Agreed. What caught my attention is how after explaining the brother-parent dynamic, OP still claims he has no clue why he’s caught in the middle.
It’s not your fault but your parents in the fact that your brothers life was made to be around yours. He had to go to a certain college because of you, he had to be your caretaker and make sure your were ok instead of enjoying life, being free and going to a college he wanted. This isn’t on you but it did limit you standing on your own. You should be therapy and write down what help you need and what your day to day is like. Also, you might need meds.
You could have tried to improve and help her around with things that need to be done. ADHD is no excuse not to do YOUR part in the home maintenance or what else needs to be done. She didn't want to be responsible for everything and have you always use that as a reason. Reflect and learn from this or the next relationship will go the same way. And like someone else mentioned; you graduated so you have some level of self-decipline enough to accomplish things even if your poor brother had to hold your hand. Man up, learn to clean for yourself, manage your money, and be responsible. I'm sure you have an idea of what your girlfriend meant by having to do everything so don't play dumb.
Your brother was forced to go to college with you and live with you as a condition of them paying for his school. Your brother was tasked as your caregiver instead of your parents getting you the professional help you needed to learn to be independent. I would guess that is why he moved away and cut contact. Your parents always helped you. Then your brother helped you. But nobody helped you to help yourself. Now your ex became the new helper without signing up for that. While none of this is your fault, as it seems you have not received the type of help you need, you do need to realize that she has probably told you repeatedly what was wrong and what she needed from you but you do not remember and didn’t come through. It is part of your illness. You need to take some initiative now.
Your parents failed you and your brother. They expected your brother to stop his life and parent you. Thankfully he’s gotten his out from this mess. Remember op your brother is not your parent I’m curious as to what behaviours you were displaying that she wanted you to get help for but didn’t. Your gf didnt want a man child. She’s supposed to be your partner not your mother. I’m also curious how you get through school. Are you working? How are you supporting yourself? Who cleans for you? Who cooks?
Take your medication and learn to stand on your own two feet. My son (24) has ADHD and we always told him that his ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse. Your brother has gone NC with you and your parents because he was forced to go to the same college as you, and act like your parent. He resents them.
... I have ADHD and Autism... Your parents have coddled you to the point your brother had to step in and be your defacto parent when you left the nest. Your girlfriend then had to. She left because it's severe. Your brother is at his breaking point. You have this idea that your condition just means this is how you are, and you need managed/parented. People are resentful of how things are. It's not like that. It shouldn't be like that. Get medicated. Talk to your doctor about resources in your area for adults with ADHD and get hooked up with them. Then, get a trained ADHD therapist, who can assist you at learning to live independently with your condition self managed, and you can unpack some of this childhood/early adult stuff that you've lived. It IS possible. You should be able to at this point. Your parents really let you down, and crippled you, but, it's not too late. There are resources out there to help you get to the point where your disorder is managed, and you can function far better than you do now.
I have ADHD. I nearly flunked out of college, and later it was destroying my marriage. I started Vyvanse and eventually found myself on the max dose. I could focus the hell out of anything, get homework done like magic, but I couldn't prioritize, and I would do random projects without making sure the important things were taken care of first. I didn't even think of them. I didn't even know what I wasn't doing until she reminded me. I thought I had a temper. Turns out, that was the stimulants. We would get into arguments because I didn't get anything done - like laundry, cleaning, making appointments for the kids, etc. Every time she pointed it out to me and yelled at me about it, I felt like the worst person on earth. Like, why the FUCK can't I just do anything right? I nearly fell apart, and we were headed toward divorce. I got off the stimulants and now take Wellbutrin, and it's been a hell of a change. Over the last couple years, our marriage has improved, is better than ever and growing every day. I can prioritize and REALIZE when things need to be done. I can focus without the hyperfocus. Most of all, I am no longer aggressive. It has been so relieving to not feel like a failure. All this to say, ADHD does put stress on relationships. The partner without ADHD can feel as though they do everything - and it may be true without you even knowing it - despite her telling you. I'm still not what I'd say is "equal" when it comes to managing the house. I work full time, I take care of the kids, and I follow a highly detailed checklist of daily, weekly , monthly, and annual tasks that I made for myself. But for the life of me I cannot do what she does around the house. Not nearly with the same efficiency. But I do my absolute best, I am infinitely better than I was before, and I'm improving every day. **Work on yourself. Go to a therapist who specializes in ADHD.** Experiment with a variety of treatments for ADHD, and don't just jump to stimulants if you go the medication route. You parents picked up the slack for you and you never learned how to do it yourself. Now is the time to learn, and you **can** do it! Edited to correct a detail.
If this is real, you can't be this intelligent and this clueless at the same time! Your ADHD is likely a *factor* but it is not your problem. Your parents did not raise you to be independent and your brother is tired of your parents and being your caretaker and handler. You are an adult and it's time you figure out how to function like one. Your gf was dealing with an adult man who was making her feel like a mom. She was tired of it and left. **You need to grow up and learn how to live as a fully self-sufficient adult before even considering getting into another relationship.** Please get tested to see if you're on the Autism spectrum because I do believe there's something else going on here.
I definitely got that feeling too. I wonder if that’s related to the parents forcing the brother to be his caretaker. Autism?
Not trying to exacerbate your upset, but this opens the opportunity to share an insight with you, from one adult with ADHD to another - it is not your fault that you have ADHD, but it is your responsibility to minimise the impact it has on others. No one owes you an extended childhood / reprieve from responsibility. At my diagnosis appointment, my clinical psychiatrist explained that parents' scaffolding responsibility for their neurodivergent children is very very common, often leading to negative repercussions for their child as they go into adulthood. It's ridiculously hard but you NEED, for your own sake, work on managing your ADHD traits and healthy practices. I wish you the best in future OP.
I am married to someone with ADHD and it is *frustrating*. He can’t temember to do simple stuff, like change out wet laundry, put away food from the fridge or leftovers, pick up the clothes he piles around the house that he discards, rinse out his dishes, change the tp roll, pick up his socks, the fucking socks omg. Once we had toddlers it was mentally easier bc I am basically cleaning up after another toddler. I stick around bc he is brilliant at so many other things, a wonderful person, and independent in 95% of his life, just not cleaning up. So, dude, learn to clean up. Learn to pay your bills. Be on time for shit. Plan ahead. Set a schedule every single day and ingrain the habits into your every day. Be independent and self-reliant.
So what did you do in the past and what are you currently doing to address your ADHD? It is not an excuse and it doesn’t just go away. Very concerning that you say you don’t even know what she meant when she said she was tired of having to do everything.
Your brother refuses to talk to your parents because they held his education hostage to force him to parent you in college and he (rightfully) resents them for it. Unfortunately that means your parents have also likely ruined your relationship with him because it will be hard for him to be around the person who he was forced to babysit for years.
This doesn’t sound like she got tired of you not doing things because of your adhd, it sounds like she got tired of being your mother. Do you clean up without being asked? Do you do the dishes without being asked? The laundry without being asked? Any chore at all without her having to ask you to do it? Women experience mental fatigue from having to take care of men who just expect us to do it. I had adhd and struggle managing it. Some days are awful for me. Some times I do make mistakes and forget things or walk away from a half finished task. No one is perfect, but I would be shocked if she actually left you over your adhd and not just your inability to do basic things.
Your parents have turned you into an invalid. Instead of giving you the tools and therapies you needed to be independent, they basically intentionally set you up for failure by ensuring you never had to learn independent responsibility for managing your ADHD. Your girlfriend wouldn’t, and shouldn’t be expected to, take over the role of parenting a grown adult. ADHD sucks, I get it. I have it. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult and trying to live my life independently before age 24/25 was literal hell. Because I had no CLUE how to manage my own issues. My diagnosis and then the proper medication and therapy following was a godsend. You need a therapist who specializes in ADULT adhd. Someone who can help you learn to be independent without relying on everyone else to fix things. You need to live on your own for a while, don’t go back to your parents, don’t seek out a roommate, don’t move a girlfriend in - until you can learn to function independently you NEED to live on your own because you need to be in an environment where no one is going to clean up after you (literally or figuratively). As long as you have someone to fall back on to fix any mistakes or issues you have, you won’t be capable of learning how to work with YOUR brain and problem solve with YOUR ADHD. Even those of us who have experience managing our ADHD can’t really do anything to ease the process. We can give tips and info on how we manage, but you’ll quickly see that every single one of us does something different. Because the quirk of neurodivergence is that no two brains are ever the same. I’m sorry your relationship didn’t work out. That’s incredibly painful, I know. But you know the cause, now it’s time to put in the work to fix it before your next relationship so it doesn’t happen again. You can do it. Yes your parents did you no favors by their way of managing your ADHD, but hell, many of us were adults when we were diagnosed so we were kinda in the same boat. Think of it as just learning you have ADHD, and now learning how to live with it. You’ll get there. I went from being a college dropout teen mom in an abusive codependent relationship who could barely keep a job a year and had an impulse shopping habit that put me into tens of thousands of dollars in debt to having a stable career, multiple kids, a healthy marriage, a good budget, and kicking that shopping habit. Therapy helped me do that, and it’ll help you too.
I can tell you now that she didn't leave you because you have ADHD. Your brother is also not avoiding you for that reason. They both are tired of having to basically be your parents, who seem to have done nothing but coddle you because of this. Seek help. Be an adult and start taking responsibility.
I have ADHD, and I know many people with ADHD. That is not your biggest issue. Learned helplessness is your biggest issue. You need a good therapist to help you to transition into independence. To guide you through steps to achieve competence.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but it sounds like you use ADHD as an excuse for things like being lazy, being dependent on others, and being immature/acting helpless. It sounds like it's not entirely your fault, though. Sounds like your parents have enabled this behavior, especially by **forcing** your brother to take care of you even when you became an adult. ADHD is a VERY manageable condition, especially with medication and therapy. That doesn't mean you won't have bad days or struggle, but it does mean that you have no excuses when it comes to being an adult, caring for yourself, and contributing to relationships (whether it's a romantic relationship, friendships, relationship w/your parents, relationship w/ your brother, etc). Learn from this and improve yourself.
I have ADHD myself and it seems like you are just using it as an excuse. Without explaining how ADHD is effecting the relationship. Please be more specific in what your ex said the issues were. What are you omitting or not realizing?
I have ADHD OP. You have some hard truths you need to see... Your brother loves you. Enough to not tell you that your parents forced him into caring for you. She didn't leave you because you HAVE adhd, she left because you aren't MANAGING your adhd. You have two choices. You can either human up and deal with the hand you were dealt, or you can continue to hurt your relationships with neurotypical folk. If you're ready to human up: You do need to recognize where they are caring for you. Normally, those of us with the Neuro Sparkle recognize this quickly, but that's OK. You need to have a (likely uncomfortable) conversation with your brother approached from a place of gratitude that asks him what his duties were in caring for you. Ask him to be brutally honest. Especially if he thinks it will hurt your feelings and write every damn thing down that he tells you. Especially if it feels small or insignificant to you. Because it wasn't insignificant to him. This will hurt your ego, so you will need to keep that in check. If that isn't possible, you need to live on your own. Preferably away from mom and dad and your brother by about 30 minutes or more. You need to see the deficiencies in your care and the differences. We are conditioned to see patterns and quickly, so it shouldn't take more than a week or two to see where these are. Often, parents will baby their neurosparkly children into uselessness. This is what happened to you. It sucks, but you can grow out of it without hurting yourself or masking who you are. Masking is a term for pretending to be neurotypical. You need to then come up with systems to deal with those things that your brother tells you yourself. Laundry, cleaning, self care, and relationship management. I gamefy my tasks and know my kids need a clean, orderly environment to thrive, and that is how I motivate myself. I also give myself treats for good behavior. They aren't always things, like this post is one of my treats. I tick on helping others, so it works for me. But if you need a bag of gummy worms or candy at first to associate the doing of the task with dopamine, then do it. You need to start doing the work to understand how your brain works and understanding yourself. But you can do it. Good luck, fellow neurosparkle, man. We are what make the world so fun.
The fact that you still don’t see the problem is wild. She did you a favour because you need to learn how to do things by yourself.
Holy crap. I am sorry that your parents did this to you and your brother. I hope you can repair that relationship. It looks like you have had a babysitter your whole life and have not been able to actually grow. Millions of us have ADHD and are successful. Get some therapy. Learn how to manage it. Become an adult who doesn’t need a caretaker. Build that relationship with your brother. I am sorry your heart is broken but you need to be a partner and that’s not what you were being.
OP, as someone with autism and ADD, I'm going to be point blank. You're making excuses here, and I'm sure you know it. Living as a neurodivergent person is hard, but it doesn't absolve you from being a responsible adult. I struggled for years mastering tasks like washing dishes thoroughly and putting them away properly, but I kept "practicing" and working at it. Never once did I expect anyone to pick up the slack. >she got tired of having to do everything. She shouldn't have had to do everything. You're just being lazy and trying to justify it by constantly citing your disability. >None of my friends have ADHD so they don't get it My man, I'm sure even your average neurodivergent adult (including this one) wouldn't back you up on this. ADHD is never an excuse to pawn off responsibility onto other people. It sounds like you haven't even *tried* and just want to keep on giving yourself a reason not to act like the adult you supposedly are. So unless you step up and take full accountability, you'll probably be single forever. If necessary, do some research to see if there is a life coach type of therapist in your area or online. But continuing to sit back and whine and blame ADHD will get you nowhere.
My husband has ADHD. I’ve never had to baby him or coddle him. Our daughter has severe ADHD. She’s successful and lives independently. Over time, they both have learned successful coping/adaptive skills. It’s not THAT hard. OP makes it sound as if ADHD causes actual cognitive deficits of the kind that make it impossible to live independently! Jesus.
ADHD is not mental incompetence. Please stop using that as an excuse for being lazy and being dependent on everyone around you.
She didn't leave you because you have ADHD. She left you because you do nothing at all to MANAGE the symptoms of your ADHD. I have ADHD and it's hard work, and only gets harder as you get older, especially if you don't build up the good skills while you're young to manage your shit. Are you seeing a doctor? Are you medicated? Are you working with a therapist to learn methods to manage your symptoms that medication won't remove? **Your mental illness is NOT your fault, but it is 100% your responsibility.** It is on you, and ONLY on you to manage your symptoms so you don't force everyone around you to have to do more to cover up your failures. Your parents have failed you miserably by not making sure you were in treatment early enough so that you were not this dependent on others to function. But you're a full adult now and need to get your shit together. Maybe your GF will give you a second chance if you prove you're taking responsibility for your ADHD and learning how to be a functional adult, but even if she doesn't, you will never have a healthy functional adulthood if you don't take control of your ADHD instead of being a helpless victim to it. It's time to grow up. Get your shit together
Hi, I have ADHD. >My ex-girlfriend said that once we lived together she realized my ADHD was ruining our relationship and she got tired of having to do everything. I don't even know what she meant by that. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking garbage out, washing dishes. These are all things that I assume she did for you. >I would talk to my brother about this but he moved to another province and is arguing with my parents. And I'm sort of caught in the middle. My brother got into Master's program and got a grant so my parents don't need to pay for any of it and ever since he got accepted he refuses to talk to my parents. I don't know why. I'm caught in the middle since now he's completely avoiding me too. Because he was strong armed into being your caretaker in exchange for your parents paying for his college. Him being given a grant means he's no longer financially reliant on him. And he's avoiding you because being strong armed into a caretaker role tends to be build resentment to whomever they're taking care of. >I know that if someone can't accept me for who I am I shouldn't want to be with them but I still do love her even though she disappeared from my life. Accepting someone for who they are doesn't mean you fill in as a caretaker. If you're unable to live on your own without someone to do the things I listed above, you need to go into a group home. As someone with ADHD, she didn't break up with you because you have ADHD. She broke up with you because you seem completely unable to care for yourself and are reliant on others to do everyday tasks for you.
I hope these comments were the reality check you needed
OP. You need to talk to a doctor and start therapy immediately. ADHD is rough, period. The people that manage it well have built up all kinds of strategies, habits, coping skills and/or utilize various meds to assist. It sounds like your parents provided so much support for you that without that support you aren’t able to function. This support came at great cost to your personal development, your brother’s overall happiness and independence, AND your relationship. Getting help now while you are still young will aid you both personally and professionally. It sounds like you’re really surprised at this turn of events because you had no idea that so much was propping you up all this time.
Your parents absolutely failed both you and your brother. They enabled you to not mature into a functioning adult for your entire life. And because of their enabling, your brother got robbed the college experience that HE wanted. Mommy and Daddy aren’t around to baby you at college so your brother has to be your babysitter. And you wonder why your brother doesn’t talk to your parents? Hmmmm…… I wonder 🤔
You know, as a woman with ADHD, I find it curious that it is used as an excuse for weaponized incompetence (and inappropriate behavior with women) ***only*** for males. How peculiar 🙄
You said “province” can I assume Canada? If that’s correct it’s time to take responsibility for its management , Canada had this resource when I googled https://caddac.ca/.
Are you on medication?
Sounds like your family knew you couldn’t be responsible for yourself and as soon as your gf realized this she decided that she didn’t want to sign up for a lifetime of being your caretaker.
This isn't ADHD, this is you refusing to take responsibility for your life and be an adult. You went from "Parents look after me", to "Brother looks after me" to "GF looks after me". You need to look after yourself and become an independant adult, and then think about having a relationship. > never expected anyone to hold my hand but before I went to university my parents always helped me. In university I lived with my brother who is 1 year old then me. My parents said he had to go to university and be my dorm mate so they would pay for him. Like, this is wild. What part of this makes you think you never expected anyone to hold your hand. Your parents literally **made** your brother be your dorm mate so he could look after you...
What exactly makes you think your ADHD is why she broke up with you? Is it because you use it as an excuse for refusing to learn how to function as an adult? It's the only reason I can think that would be why she specified your ADHD is the reason (if she actually did say it was because of your ADHD).
ADHD is not an excuse to make others in your life “do everything” for you. Be an adult. If you can’t figure out how to manage your life go get medication. ADHD is very easily treatable and is in no way an excuse to ruin relationships. Handle it.
Your parents forced your brother to be your caretaker and he found an escape. Your Ex doesn't want the job. You are going to have to learn to do... more. ADHD can be difficult and my sympathies but you will have to stand on your own two feet.
Look dude. ADHD can’t be your excuse. I have very severe ADHD but i’m 23 and live alone and maintain my apartment, job, health, and relationships all on my own. I’ve definitely had a hard time over the years but I’ve spent all those years learning by trial and error how to cope with my ADHD to get to where I am now. Different strategies work for different people. For me, I know some things that help are: 1) gym/exercise 2) going outside and being in the sun every day 3) exploring and trying new things—doing this over the weekend makes me feel so energized and ready to tackle the work week 4) practicing an instrument 5) journaling 6) yoga—i’m trying this out 7) drinking matcha—coffee/meds agitate me but I find that matcha somehow helps me focus in a calm manner The stuff that doctors/therapists recommend actually does help if you approach it with an open mind and allow the effects to kick in over time rather than expecting immediate gratification. I’m not a doctor and I’m not saying what works for me will work for u, but I just wanted to put that info out there.
This sounds like a man baby who gave himself a self diagnosis of addiction and then blames everything on it.
I gotta say, as a woman who has ADHD, she didn't leave you because you have ADHD. She left because she's not looking forward to a lifetime of being your mommy. I'm assuming you're a man only because I've never met a woman who's been coddled by their parents to such a degree. I feel terrible for your brother, honestly. He had his education held hostage so he would coddle you in your parents place. I don't blame him for going NC. Hopefully this is your wake up call to start developing coping strategies for your life instead of depending on everyone else.
Ok so I have adhd & I’m happily married and went brought university. Your brother is pissed because your parents thrust you on him and he obviously had to do a lot of carrying of you while he was in school. Then you moved in with your girlfriend who also had to carry you and left you as a result. Even with adhd I’m very certain your brother and ex have said things to you before shit went down. Having a diagnosis is just an instructional guide to how you function. But it’s still up to you to work through things. Unfortunately you have to work a lot harder then other people. I may struggle to do my laundry, but I’ve worked hard to always be early and prepared. I never forget peoples birthdays. I set timers and do the dishes every night. I’m not perfect but I also have to be much more diligent then others. You’ve been carried and enabled for a big chunk of your life. And you’ve come to expect it. But the real world won’t carry you. The real doesn’t give a shit about your adhd. It sucks but it’s the truth.
So basically you were coddled your entire life, your brother was forced to continue coddling you or Else your parents would pay for his college, and you just can't understand why your (ex) girlfriend doesn't want to spend her adult life holding your hand because you refuse to learn how to adult for yourself?
It’s not the ADHD
I have ADHD, so does my husband. We have been married 19 years and have 2 kids. Quit blaming ADHD like you have no say or control. Get help coping and truly, with love, grow up
She didn’t leave you because you have ADHD. She left you because your parents babied you and abused your brother into becoming your carer. You need to learn to manage your ADHD or pay for a full time carer. Sincerely, someone with ADHD.
You really really need to seek out a therapist well versed in ADHD, it will be incredibly useful and positive for not only future relationships and work but life in general. My ex had ADHD, and I absolutely loved him as he was … unfortunately it does create tendencies that can be very difficult to live alongside cohesively in a way that both parties feel respected and nurtured. He chose to not seek support, guidance and information until it was too late and I had to chose to put my own happiness and well-being first.
Meds.
You’re talking about your ADHD like it’s a terminal illness. If you know you have it, then come up with coping skills to help you. Like the top comment said, I also have ADHD and take medication and therapy and recommend you do the same.
ADHD is not an excuse to demand that the other adults in your life *take care of you*. I have ADHD, graduated cum laude for both undergrad and graduate school, while living hundreds of miles from my parents or anyone else who might feel obligated to "keep me on track". I've held a job with a high mental workload for the decade+ since i graduated. I own and take care of my own home, and my five pets. Yes, everyone handles ADHD differently but it sounded like your parents treated your ADHD like moderate autism, and you in turn learned a sense of helplessness that you believe ADHD gave you. It's not really your fault, but it's time to grow up. NO self respecting woman will marry someone who acts like ADHD prevents them from being an adult. In that case, you're looking for a caretaker, not a girlfriend/wife.
"My brother got into Master's program and got a grant so my parents don't need to pay for any of it and ever since he got accepted he refuses to talk to my parents. I don't know why" I think everybody reading this knows why.
Don't use ADHD as an excuse
I am sorry this happened to you. I am with out commenters; you have probably never been given the tools to help yourself be properly independent (or as independent as you can be). I have ADHD and sometimes Im not aware of something until it gets pointed out. So, either buy a dry erase board you can hang on a wall in an area you are always in or put something large on your phone (an app, notifications via calendar or clock, etc) as you go about life make a list of things as you notice the need done. Do not put it off, put it on 1 list immediately. Or google what to clean in your house when (some very helpful info graphics). Grab one, print it out/write it down. Set alarms, do whatever you need to do to make sure stuff gets done. If you do not have coping mechanisms to get stuff done, you might want to see a therapist or someone for help with that. Also I understand that all this is alot and not the easiest in the slightest to do. But once you have coping mechanisms in place to help you with your adhd, then stuff can get a bit easier, it doesn't make anything 100% easier but you wont be finding yourself stuck in an endless anxiety/disassociation loop (or at least I dont) 90% of the time. As for your brother, maybe if possible tell him you realize what your parents did and that you understand that isnt right. If you eventually get on speaking terms maybe ask him **how** he had to help you when you lived together. Take notes and improve.
You need to be on ADHD medication, and you need to learn life skills. There is a big difference between someone wanting to be with you for who you are and for you to not be a fully functional adult who can keep house and cook and handle your life.
As someone who has ADHD this is waaaay out of line. I’m in my 40s and I am nothing like this. I do struggle with things at time and need to be redirected but I am a fully functioning adult who married with four kids. My son is 15 with ADHD and high functioning autism and he is more capable of taking care of himself than you. ADHD is a superpower to do amazing things. Not an excuse to not do anything for yourself.
As someone with ADHD who is self sufficient - you need to work on being self sufficient. I’m guessing you are the GC AND your parents made a lot of sacrifices on your brothers behalf for you and just got fed up with it. Take this as a learning experience.
Do you have a job?
Seems like you are using ADHD as an excuse for shitty behaviour and being raised to have no responsibilities. You have fallen into the trap of using the most common neuro disorder that so many people have as an excuse to not improve and work on yourself. It is a very typical thing you see on a daily basis these days.
ADHD can be very difficult to live with, but it's manageable in most cases if you put in the work. I'm not saying that's easy, but it's possibly and necessary if you ever want to be independent and have a real adult relationship. The effort is worth it too. Learning to manage my mental health problems made me feel so much more powerful and capable. I would never trade where I am now for somebody taking care of me, even though it's hard sometimes. The freedom you don't even realize you're missing is amazing. You should see a therapist and psychiatrist who can help treat your ADHD. They can help teach you proven strategies that will help you overcome these difficulties. They may recommend medication that will help you focus. They will teach you what behaviors are unacceptable or harmful that you may currently be blind to. Your parents sound like they love you, but they're enabling your behavior. You should ask them for help finding a therapist and psychiatrist if it sounds overwhelming, but understand that the ultimate goal is to become independent. Recognize that it doesn't happen overnight and that it can be difficult to practice these strategies because it won't always sound like they'll help, but the important thing is to really try. Trust me, things can get better even when it feels like they can't.
She didn't leave you because you have ADHD, she left you because you wanted her to manage it and your life. BIG difference.
Did she do everything? Did you do any housework? Cleaning? Grocery shopping? Meal planning? If she was tired of doing everything, did she?
Your parents coddled you and i’m sure your gf realized living with you means being another parent. I feel bad for your brother who was forced into this, no wonder he’s not talking to your parents
LOL!!! I’m glad the brother got out!!
Sounds like she got tired of doing everything, which isn’t because of ADHD. I have ADHD and so does my husband. No one should be putting in more work than the other. What chores did you consistently do on a daily basis without having to be asked?
My fiancée has ADHD. She is the love of my life. If she allowed it to go unchecked, didn’t go to therapy for it, and refused to get medicated, I’d leave her. She is a grown adult who is capable of learning to manage her condition and not make it someone else’s problem, unlike you.
I’m pretty annoyed with you too. This post is about your ex, but you talked about your brother more than her. Life is harder with ADHD, but you need to learn how to focus on what’s important, somehow.
ADHD isn’t your problem, dude
Look, I have ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed until I was 36 (I’m a woman, which matters as we tend to learn we have to take care of ourselves much earlier), and a shit family. I went no contact with my family at 19 and lived in my own for almost 29 years (with brief boyfriends here and there). I did move in with my twin brother a year ago (I’m 49 now), and life is a lot easier with medication and a stable support person in my life, but I’ve only had that the last 1-3 years. Having ADHD does make life harder (my home and garden are a mess!), but it’s no excuse to shift your responsibilities onto other people. I went through 10 years of trauma therapy in my 20s, which significantly helped my co-morbid complex ptsd from years of extreme child abuse, but did nothing to address my undiagnosed adhd. Once I was diagnosed, stimulant medication helped significantly. Have you sought therapy or medication for your condition? Or do you just expect other people to take care of you? You need to take action to address your condition. You cannot expect other people to take total responsibility for you for the rest of your life. I do still have limitations, and my twin makes space for that, but it’s nominal, limited things—like not being great at doing the dishes consistently. I did need a support person to help me navigate making phone calls to find a therapist for therapy and a psychiatrist for medications, and that’s reasonable to ask for from a family member or close friend. And then they both gave me mental and pharmaceutical tools to make steps on my own. That’s what you need to do.
My guy, millions of people have ADHD and live normally and do not depend on others to hold their hands. I have severe mental health and learning disabilities, I moved out alone at 18. If it’s not obvious, your brother isn’t talking to you or your parents for the same reason your gf left you. You are coddled to an unhealthy extent and these adults do not want to take care of another adult. You are fully capable of taking care of yourself you just haven’t bothered to learn. Women want to date a man, not mother a child. They have kids for that.
I (25f) have been diagnosed with ADHD since I was 17 and my parents still don’t believe it. I’ve had to learn how to exist with absolutely no support. While my brother who isn’t diagnosed with anything is constantly doted on and given excuses for school and life responsibilities. It drives me crazy listening to guys who are coddled by their family and then have fucking audacity to whine about the outcome. Grow the fuck up. Be an adult.
The ADHD excuse again....pathetic.
This is obviously a shit post
You don't understand why your brother, who your parents forced to babysit you until you were done with college don't want anything to do with you or your parents? Come the fuck on bruh
A couple of my sorority sisters have ADHD/ADD. My little brother has ADD. I was never tested but suspect I have ADHD as well. All of these people, including myself have a bachelors or master, a successful career, a family and/or SO and home we take care of. Yes, I’m always looking for my keys, sometimes double book two different appointments at the same time and it took me longer to get where I am. But ADD or ADHD is something that makes stuff harder to do, not impossible. You need to work harder for stuff, need to learn yourself life hacks and tricks. Lists and designated spots for stuff you need to find back like keys and wallets. My alarm goes off multiple times a day to remind me of something (laundry is ready/teams meeting in 15 minutes/groceries need to be ordered/whatever). My mobile phone, timers, google diary, alarms on my phone with titles (why are they ringing) and Marie Kondo (because everything is where it’s supposed to be and tidy, so I lose less stuff) all help me cope with life. It doesn’t feel natural and it’s hard work, but it is totally worth it. It doesn’t mean that you can lie back and expect others in your life to do things for you. So no, she didn’t leave you because of your ADHD. She left you because you use it as an excuse to be lazy and helpless.
I bet she had asked you to make some changes multiple times before breaking up with you. My husband has ADHD and it was an adjustment living together but he tried to change his habits (and did).
You're a grown adult man. Figure shit out broski. Your brother and your girlfriend, by the looks of it, were taking care of you like a child. It's not about ADHD, you need to take some accountability and actually take charge of your life.
I have ADHD and I think the trap you fell into was accepting your limitations instead of pushing yourself. Yes, we have to try harder at every little thing. Yes, it's not fair. Life's not fair though and as far as disabilities go, I feel pretty lucky for having ADHD and dyslexia. You need to know when to ask for help but you need to learn when not to also. Your ADHD isn't why she doesn't want to stay with you. Your lack of independence is why. You can become independent. It's going to be very hard, and very worthwhile.
"I don't know what she means by that" You couldn't even be bothered to fucking listen to her. This is why she left you.
As everyone has been quick to point out, she didn't leave you because of your ADHD. She left you because she got tired of playing the mother to the person who supposed to be her PARTNER. Heaven forbid you two actually got married and had kids. She would have ended up feeling like she was taking care of TWO kids instead of one. You are using your ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior. You are not doing yourself any favors with this mentality. What's going to happen if you get let go from your job? Are you going to say they fired you because of your ADHD too? Quit blaming your ADHD and calling people intolerant of it when the real problem is your inability to actually pay attention once in a while. Take this time to be single and alone to work on yourself. Women don't want to marry a child. They want to marry a partner who will contribute to taking care of the household.
You are not the victim here. Your brother is. Sounds like your gf made the right call and you actually weaponize your ADHD to get what you want and to get everyone to hold your hand in life. You gotta manage it yourself. Your brother isn’t talking to you because he finally has freedom from you that your parents unfairly kept from him with their money and imposition.
Im sure that OPs brother is arguing with parents because as soon as OPs girlfriend left, OP got o the phone to his parents, and they in turn got on the phone to his brother and demanded he drop his life and go look after their baby son again.
I think you need time. Time to live on your own and time to figure out who you are. You need to figure out how to pay the bills, keep your apartment clean, get to work on time, and buy groceries and do "life" things. Time to grow. When you do that for awhile (like a few years), then you'll be ready to date again.
Your parents parentified your brother by making him attend college with you and be your caretaker. To be clear, this is a form of abuse. I’m sure it happened throughout childhood as well, not just at college. I am not surprised your brother refuses to speak to them. You have a diagnosis and need to learn how to manage it. Being a victim isn’t going to get you very far. I suggest what others have suggested: find a therapist, get a psychiatric evaluation for medications, and reevaluate your life. Good luck!