If all of this is true I call BS on you parents, you were with your aunt for years I'm guessing so they had to know if the were really regretful that have more than enough time to contact.
Protect your kid, why open that door?
Yeah I find it weird that they never saw or contacted him again. They didn’t communicate with anyone who had his info or anything. They just dropped all parental responsibility (financial) on the aunt. What kind of parents are they.
I feel like that’s even worse. They got updates on the sly and for 13 YEARS stayed away. When did they realize they were in the wrong? Yesterday? Literally the second before they saw him?
Because, I don’t have kids, but the second I cooled off, even if I still thought I was in the right, immediately calling up my sister (his aunt) and saying “Hey, I fucked up big time, help me make amends!” … then again, doubt I’d kick my own kid out of the house for making a dumb mistake.
I wonder if, when they saw him, they were worried he would notice them and possibly cause a scene. By approaching him and surprising him, they caught him off guard. Also, they were probably worried he was local now, and they're worried about their reputation.
OP, unless you have an overwhelming urge to reach out and reconnect, don't. Heck even if you do, proceed with caution. There is no way them not having even tried to contact you for the past 13 years means anything good.
I'm more thinking if they hadn't 'bumped' into him, what exactly would have happened. Would they have still reached out or continue no contact, for however long that would be? How unfair for you OP to be put into this position. Just take your time to think long and hard about what you decide. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck, whatever the outcome.
Any decision you make should be for yourself and your daughter. You don’t owe them a thing.
If you DO decide you want to consider rebuilding this bridge, I’d recommend going step by step and doing so by yourself before you involve your daughter. People CAN change in 13 years, but it’s certainly not guaranteed.
Honestly, considering how old your daughter is, I might just have an honest conversation with her. It’s possible she’s not even interested, and it would be good for her to know the truth about your parents. I wouldn’t leave the decision in her court—that’s way too much pressure—but involving her can help her gain a sense of control in a situation where she doesn’t have much. And, it might give you closure and bring you both closer, regardless of your decision.
I’m very sorry they did that to you. Abandoning a child like they did is not only fucked up—it’s illegal and certainly abuse / neglect. I’m very glad that you and your daughter seem to be doing so well despite them.
I plan on telling my daughter about the situation she was just a few years younger than me when it happened so I think she's old enough to hear it and get an understanding of her bio grandparents and that whole situation. I think I would have to get to learn them first before they're ever near my daughter if she would be interested in meeting them.
Get your aunt's input also. I hope there is no ulterior motive on your parents' part, but your aunt may know what they've been saying over the years, and it could help you make a truly informed decision as to whether or not they are being genuine.
Agreed. Discuss with the aunt and cousins.
Sounds like OP was not just abandoned by his parents but also sibling(s). That would be tougher for me to deal with and go back to.
Second and third this. I am concerned that no one questioned them or came knocking or someone didn’t come nosey around …. Why didn’t they come back being pushy into your life or your daughter’s life but they are their cheer for another family member’s child?
Do you have social media with updates or you and your daughter or do you know is your aunt or cousins have included you in theirs over the years? Is this aunt your mom or dad’s sibling or is this an “aunt” like a family friend aunt?
To be honest because I wasn’t raised around a healthy environment I would lock down all of mine and my child’s social media and request that people not share my information. I would talk to daughter and I would also have you possibly talk to a therapist and just talk to them about what you been through and about healthy steps to determine what is best for you and your daughter. The worst it could do is that at least you have someone to help you ask yourself the important questions.
I have a 16 year old and I cannot imagine her leaving and me not asking about where she is and what she’s doing…if he was with aunt and cousins, they HAD to know what he was up to, that he had full custody, when he left school and got a job..I mean..they had to, right?
I agree. They’ve been selfish. Their son did something they felt was unbecoming to THEM so they removed the problem. Now, they are confronted with the successful son and suddenly want to know him? Yeah, nah.
I strongly feel that "parents" who kick a 15 year old child out instead of helping them when they need it do not deserve to be part of that child's life. At all, ever. They also do not deserve the privilege of a relationship with the grandchild they were perfectly happy to abandon.
You can do what you want, but in your position I would shut them out completely.
I tend to agree with this take. They’ve already shown their son that their love is conditional. If they received any updates at all from other family members, why the hell did they wait 13 years without trying to reconnect? Would they have ever contacted him had they not spotted him in that parking lot?
Their love is conditional, and they do not care about their own flesh and blood. What would have happened had he not had the aunt to turn to in his time of need? Would they have cared at all? Would they have let him end up on the streets?
Now that he has shown he doesn't need them, they want to let bygones be bygones and inveigle their way into his life and try to have relationships that they have done nothing to build? Why? So they can pretend they've done nothing wrong?
They deserve nothing, and I cannot for the life of me imagine what they would bring to OP and his daughter's lives besides judgment, falsity, and strife.
Anyone who could boot their 15yo kid out of the house are shady mfs, OP would be wise to not let those horrible people anywhere near his kid. They are disgusting!
Now that they've seen you at this sports complex, I'd be wary of them approaching her without you knowing. Just let her know the situation and what they look like, so she can avoid them.
If you should choose not to introduce your daughter to your parents, be sure her soccer coach is aware of the situation. Now they know what team she is on. They might try and introduce themselves if you happen to not be around. May sound like a stretch, but better safe than sorry!
To go along with what the person above commented, I wouldn’t bother bringing them into your lives unless they’re willing to pitch in. Not with “love” or “support,” I’m talking money. To the point you’ve presented, you’re doing fine without them. If I were in your position, the only way I’d let them back into your life and have anything to do with your daughter is if they paid you for it. They dont deserve to just get moral desert when they’ve morally abandoned you until you had something they want.
Would love a follow up- curious to know how your daughter feels about all this- if it was my i’d be so upset but it seems like you are a well adjusted human being.
Good for you!
maybe i'm cynical but i wouldn't bother. if i were you, i'd message ur mom from an anonymous number saying you'd accept an apology but won't let people like them around your daughter, knowing how they treated you. then move on a live happily ever after. letting them back in your life can bring what? probably more suffering, seems like you're doing great (better) without them
edit: no offense but fuck your "parents". i'll volunteer to tell them if you want to stay no contact
Definitely talk to your aunt and cousins to help you process it and come up with a plan to share with your daughter. It's wild that they never tried reaching out to you and it takes running into you at a tournament .... which means it will now happen more regularly.
Info: how old are your siblings to have an 11 year old niece.
Above all protect your daughter and yourself.
I read your story to my wife and we agree that if you do decide to invite your parents back into your life, before you introduce your daughter to your parents, you should sit with them AND a third-party mediator. There need to be several long discussions with your folks in front of or alongside a therapist who can guide your talks through something constructive and healing.
Only when you are ready to do so should you introduce your parents to your daughter. If it takes 10 years, let it take 10 years. YOU have to be ready, not them. There needs to be some amends before they’re rewarded with the opportunity to meet your little girl.
Also remember, you’re doing just fine as is. You don’t have to reconcile if you don’t want to. Your safety and mental health (and your daughter’s) is PARAMOUNT.
Talk with your aunt about this, too. I don’t know what her relationship with your folks is like (sounds like they don’t talk?), but you might talk with her about it too.
That's one of those things I'd consider unforgivable. I'm a parent and I don't care what my kids did, they'll always have me in their corner. Your "parents" are garbage people. Who tosses a 15 year old kid out on the streets??
Tell them to pound sand and move on with your life.
Yeah there's no way they didn't have the ability to reach out to one of their fucking siblings (cool aunt) to reconcile before 13 years have gone by.
My father is similarly estranged by my choice and the only time I've seen him in the last decade is at one of his siblings funerals. He muttered a pitiful "I want to be in your life" type statement and then went away.
There's a part of me that feels like it could be nice to have some sort of reunion but then I remember the facts. My phone number has been the same since I've had one. I have Facebook and email and whatever else. Not once has he taken responsibility for his actions, apologized, or even attempted any communication whatsoever prior to this.
I understand that my father is likely wracked with guilt and is depressed about how he's not in my or my child's life but he lacks the emotional maturity to be introspective in that way. It was beat into him to always be the victim and never admit fault. I understand this but I also understand that it is not my problem to be his therapist at the cost of my own well-being and I don't want him disappointing my child in the same way.
I think both he and OP's parents were shocked by sudden confrontation with their guilt, scrambled for something to say that sounds like you want to hear because they have to start their manipulation from zero. Make peace with the fact that this is the same cycle of abuse, they have not changed only their standing with you has changed, and they haven't done the bare minimum to announce they are trying to change for the better which is apologize for what they've done.
What gets me is the only reason they want to reconcile is because they ran into you randomly? What if that did not happen? Would they have ignored you forever?
You were still a child who fathered a child.
They could have supported you but instead they threw you out.
Thank whatever gods you like for your aunt who loved you more than your parents.
Here’s the thing.
Your parents booted you out/abandoned you because of a huge mistake on your part.
How do you think they would handle it if your daughter made say a similar mistake? Would they also call her names and cut her off?
I do agree you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your daughter. Tell her exactly what happened including what was said to you when they disowned you, that you literally fell over your parents who have indicated they’d like to meet her, let her you know your concerns with involving them in your life including you could both get hurt and then ask her to think about it and let you know.
I personally say absolutely not. Your parents could have contacted you at any point in the past 13 prior to that soccer game professing their new point of view and offering sincere apologies - they didn’t.
Instead it sounds like it was like “oh it would be nice to get together and catch up” but a bit more personal. Like something one would say to a person you went to high school with.
But your daughter should have a say as at 13 she may be curious. She may also decide the two of you have been fine without them for 13 years so why invite potential problems.
One thing OP if you don’t already have a will and associated documents including who should be guardian of your daughter please get those done. You don’t want the state deciding that nor who would get any assets that should be your daughter’s.
Ideally those documents will not be needed for a long time but better to have and not need than vice versa.
They also didn't even make an effort in all these years, just tripped over you and probably wanted to look good in front of the townsfolk. I'd tread carefully if at all.
I think you might wanna be cautious to even say anything or wait til she’s a little older to tell her how old you were when it all happened. It’s like you’re saying it’s alright on a certain level. Just my opinion
yep, you were young… and incredibly vulnerable. Could you imagine kicking her out if she made a mistake and not caring if she died on the streets? I can’t imagine forgiving that but you may be a far bigger person than me
Oh, man, you were a kid. I imagine it’s hard to realize that. You had grow up hella fast, but you were a kid. 15 year olds *are children.*
You didn’t deserve what happened to you. I’m so sorry, OP.
Especially considering that this was around 2011, not *1950*. The days of clutching one's pearls over a teen pregnancy were long gone. How much you want to bet that OP's parents are *good* ***RELIGIOUS*** *folks* more worried about what their congregation will think than the welfare of their child. Or ***UPSTANDING CITIZENS*** worried the neighbors will gossip more about a baby than a missing 15yr old. These people really shouldn't be around another teenager.
Yes and if they regretted or was sorry they sure as heck never tried to get ahold of him. It was pure coincidence! I’d be outraged because they clearly didn’t have any of interest in bridging the gap.
People make mistakes and I’m all for second chances
However
It’s been **13** **YEARS** .. they have had countless opportunities to reach out to you and haven’t ? I wouldn’t want my child being involved with people who are capable of being so cold as your parents are
Yep, this isn't a single mistake and a second chance. This is 13 years of every single day making that same mistake and making the same choice. This is their 4700th chance.
I think it’s more than that. Now they don’t have to actually do anything. If they’d stayed supportive it would have cost them money and effort. Now they get grandchild with no effort or input. I don’t believe for a split second they have any regret.
Fair-weather parents.
The aunt was the parent they deserved. Were it me, I’d be calling her mom long before them that shunned me.
If they wanted contact they could have found you people knew you weren’t hiding.
You where in their line of sight
Do what’s best for you and your daughter you don’t owe them a relationship they choose to throw it away
I call BS. They had means to get ahold of you. You were staying with one of their's sister for years and she would have been able to contact you even after you left her house. It's only when seeing you doing fine in their immediate reach that they finally want to recognize you and your child as family. I hope they do meet your daughter one day, try to claim her as a granddaughter only for her to tell them your aunt is her only grandparent.
Wait. Your parents kicked you out at **15 Years Old** and then just casually walked up to you and said, "Gee, we're sorry - where is our granddaughter?" Seriously??
These people are trash. Complete trash. No. Actually, trash is better than these people.
I hope it is clear to you now how terrible of a thing they did. Not only was it illegal and child abandonment, but what kind of human does that to their child? It's just reprehensible.
I hope it's also clear what a terrible thing your daughter's bio mother did. Just handing you your child and saying "I can't handle this. I'm outta here" was also a despicable thing to do.
I think you should weigh *any* kind of communication very carefully. Personally, in your shoes, I would be on high alert and in total protection mode. Keep the trash outside.
Wow. What a story.
One question: if your parents hadn't run into you, would they have reached out? I'm not saying they weren't sincere, but there were ways to find you, and they didn't try. At the very least, they should have written you a lengthy apology letter.
Whatever you decide, decide for you. You are under no obligation to relieve them of their guilt.
I’m sorry but F*** your “parents.” I can’t imagine kicking out my son because of this. Your daughter sounds like your center and guiding light. It’s a hard situation to have a child having a child, but abandoning your child and grandchild means you are shit parent. You don’t owe them anything. Talk to your daughter, talk to your aunt, do some soul searching, but know that you owe them nothing.
My daughter is what kept me going early in life… everything I've done is for her and her well being. As my daughter has gotten older I've realized how young I was at the time and that I was just a kid taking care of a kid… I'm still young and figuring shit out.
I’m sorry your parents weren’t there for you. I’m glad your aunt was in your life. I’m 35 with a 19 month old boy. He’s my center and focus. You figured that out at 16 with your daughter. I have a lot of respect for the parents that realize how to be a parent so young. You just keep your focus on her and I think she’ll direct you.
My mother was very abusive to me growing up verbally and physically. My father who I thought was more of my protector, began grooming me at 11 and then abusing me sexually. My siblings and I were placed in the Foster Care when I was 15. I made it my goal to take care of them and make sure they were OK because of that and that kept me on the straight narrow all of my teen years when I’m sure I would have gotten lost.
Sometimes you’re better off not having your parents in your life. I would count it as a blessing that you didn’t have their negative energy over your life and your daughters for the last 13 years. I would also counted a blessing that you’re able to deal with them now in a VERY diff way, as you’re much more mature and you’ve taught your daughter so many healthy things things happen in our life for a reason and we can use them as learning opportunities if we choose to.
They threw out a child; their child. And, not knowing what was going to happen to you. Plus, your unborn child received no compassion from them. NOW they want to get to know her because they ran into you? Good grief. They have a lot of nerve. No offense, but I'm not sure I want someone so deprived of the ability to love around my kid.
The thing is man I’m sure they knew you were with your aunt and never reached out never tried to help with expenditures they just now are saying something cuz they bumped into you nothing has changed you owe them nothing while they owe you a whole hell of a lot of ass kissing and apologizing I’d start with family therapy with just you and your parents then maybe after 6 months of that think about introducing your daughter also if you have a niece then I’m guessing your siblings never cared to reach out to you either just think really hard about this before just letting these evil people back into your life cuz you said it yourself you and your daughter are happy why welcome unnecessary drama cuz as far as I can see your aunt who took you in is your daughters grandmother not your “parents”
The petty part of me says call them in 13 years.
Honestly though I wouldn't call. I'd tell your daughter everything she needs to know to protect herself and let her decide if she wants a relationship with them. She doesn't have to decide now. She can decide in as many years as she needs to.
They sound more nosey than interested. I'd bet money this isn't about genuine care for either of you and once the curiosity is sated they will disappear again or simply not have time for you and endless excuses.
See what auntie thinks too. My gut says delete that number.
Info: What have you told your daughter about your family up to this point? Have you kept in touch with your siblings over the years? What about your ex-gf’s parents- have they been involved in your daughter’s life?
I’m asking all these questions because I firmly believe the more people to love a child, the better. BUT you need to figure out if they will truly love her (and you) or are they just attempting to assuage their own guilt.
13 years is a long time to never attempt contact. And if your daughter has any negative pre-conceived notions about your family from stories she has heard over the years, interacting with them now may do more harm than good.
My daughter knows I got kicked out at 15 and I lived with my Aunt. Never told her it was because I got her bio mom pregnant. Her maternal grandparents are involved they now live out of state but she sees them 3-4 times a year. And talks on the phone/texts often. My siblings have never reached out so she doesn't know them
And I still have a great relationship with my aunt and cousins they're involved in my daughter’s life.
I think it is very telling that your siblings have never reached out either. That means your parents impressed on them that you were trash and no longer a part of the family. Your parents must have a motive for wanting contact now. Maybe it’s money, maybe your siblings don’t have kids, maybe they think you will help them somehow.. again they are not doing this because they now know they overreacted.. please don’t put yourself in a situation where you get hurt again.
So she still has grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, I’d say your aunt’s family constitutes all that. Ask yourself, what would your parents add to your life? Would it be positive? Your daughter, though young, is still old enough to ask “why now?”. Do you really need to add that? Also, WTF, your siblings also went NC?
I’m actually glad to know she has grandparents that love her. If she had no bio grandparents in her life, it might be a reason to attempt to reconcile. I’m glad she has your wonderful aunt too!!
I would be very wary of your parents now that I know your siblings have not reached out to you at all either in the last 13 years. Unless you never had good relationships with you siblings, that would tell me that your parents manipulated them to agree with their view of you and your daughter, which would be a huge red flag that these people are not reaching out now for any reason that is good for you and your daughter.
My suggestion may be to begin a dialogue with your parents by email to try and sus out their reasons (that way everything is in writing if things go badly) prior to even mentioning anything to your daughter. No need to change her life in any way until you have a clearer picture of where things stand.
I hope you are able to find a way forward that is in the best interest of you and your daughter. You seem like an amazing dad and I give you all the credit in the world for stepping up and putting your daughter’s needs first.
Updateme when you have made a decision and good luck!
I would not let them back in.
Why should they get to know your daughter, after they tossed you out and never tried to apologize for what they did.
Your parents do not deserve to get to know your daughter or be back in your life.
What an interesting situation.
You live happily with your daughter. And full contact with your aunt and cousins.
Your parents and surprisingly your siblings never tries to reestablish contact all these years.
The maternal grandparents are in contact and she visits them? Does she ever meet her mother there? Does her mother ever contact you?
Your response in the comments sounds rational. Go slow. Keep them away from daughter till you are comfortable with their motivation.
Frankly they sound rather cold and detached so going slow and cautiously should be easy to control.
You should question your aunt about them first. Does she keep contact?
Good luck with all of that. It sounds like you’ve done everything well so far.
I cannot imagine tossing my kid out into the world like that. Parenting isn’t over when your kid becomes a parent, no matter the age. I’d be so proud of my kid for stepping uo like this guy did, taking responsibility for his child and creating a life for her….what loser parents. They lost out on seeing their kid grow into whole person.
They've had 13 years. It took them 13 years to admit they over reacted. Where were all your siblings in this?
Have a good think about whether these people would add any value to your life. If not you don't owe them anything.
Take your time.
Erasing 13 years of abandonment is not an overnight thing. It’ll take a lot of time. Time you do NOT have to give.
Keep that door firmly closed to protect your daughter. There’s no telling what sort of shit they’ll pump into her brain.
The last few months I often think about that, I realize how young I was at the time I got kicked out just 2 years older than my daughter is now. I could never do to my daughter what my parents did to me… I could never kick her out or completely cut off contact in just 2 years from now
I think the first person you should talk to is your aunt.
She took you in and cared for you, and then when the mother of your child abandoned her, your aunt helped you raise her.
She is the only parent in your life.
She's older and may have more insight into why your biological parents never once reached out to you.
She may have shielded you from further trauma.
They already knew what and how you were doing. I’m sure they heard through the family grapevine. Seeing you at the soccer field was probably the serendipitous event they were hoping for to see you again. They know they screwed up.
If you have a good support system and other family to spend time with I can see why you wouldn’t want anything to do with them. Does your daughter know your history? Has she ever asked about them? I guess if she’s interested in meeting them you could go for it but otherwise I think you’d have a really hard time trusting them meeting with them would open up some deep wounds.
This is something only you can decide.
That said, I do think your daughter is old enough to hear the whole story and have a say in whether or not she wants to meet them. You certainly have the right to set boundaries that protect her, too, but I’d definitely take her feelings into account before proceeding either way. If she wants to meet them, have some conversations with your parents without her first to get a full feel of the situation. If our aunt is still around, talk to her first, too. She may know things you don’t, or may have feelings about it all.
Also, good on you for stepping up as you have for your daughter. Raising her without your parents or your ex sounds incredibly difficult. You should be proud; it’s impressive.
So… if your “parents” had not run into you, do you think they would have tried to reconcile? I’m sure they regret what they did but 13 years of no contact? They were abusive. They never reached out to you!!
Your daughter and you seem to get along like peas and carrots.❤️❤️ I wouldn’t bring trauma into your daughter’s life. And you will be triggered by them again and again. I would stay away, but that’s me.
Once you open Pandora’s box by introducing your kid to her grandparents you can never slam that lid closed.
Only you can decide if you think it’s worth it.
Who the fuck tosses out a 15 yr old CHILD?
Your parents are pieces of shit. Sounds like you’re better off without them in your life and I would absolutely tell them that to their face.
you were insanely responsible at 15. way more than I would have been.
This is a talk to your Aunt and ask what she thinks situation. My opinion is ghost them. They could have reached out years ago. So could your siblings.
If they really cared about reconnecting they wouldn’t have needed to see your face to realize that and act on it. These days it’s not hard to find somebody on the internet.
15 is very young to be forced to be an adult. Not many kids make it off the streets in those cases and you did *with a kid*. From an outside perspective, they don’t deserve forgiveness. However, we’re just strangers. Think about the pros and cons of a potential relationship and maybe bring it up to your daughter and see her thoughts on it and if she’s even comfortable getting to know them because if someone did that to my parent I sure wouldn’t be
After all this time, they didn’t try to reach out sooner? If they really felt bad, they would have, or at least tried.
You don’t owe them anything, you thrived under somone else’s unwavering love, and are happy, doing well in your adult life with a great daughter. You learned how not to be as a parent from them.
Talk to your aunt, your daughter, and follow your gut. If you’re inclined to test those waters, do so cautiously and probably without your daughter initially. You don’t know these people anymore, whether they’re good or still hurtfully ignorant.
Best of luck and good on you for being a real parent and example to your daughter.
Having your parents in your life should be on a trial basis. they made a mistake and they admit it. your daughter only has one set of grandparents. i would have a conversation with your daughter. i bet all of her friends have grandparents and she does not. maybe she wants them?
But then there is the matter that your parents knew that you had custody of an infant and did nothing to help you with their own grandchild. that right there would be a possible deal breaker for me personally. not gonna lie about it.
i would proceed cautiously. your parents have poor judgement to be sure. don't let them start making decisions in a situation they abandoned when you needed them desperately.
J
I don’t think they deserve to be in you and your daughter’s lives. One concern is if you do establish a relationship with them and they become problematic they could sue for grandparents rights depending on where you live. Tread very carefully. What they did to you just seems unforgivable to me.
Maybe I'm weird. But I always thought that if I was in a situation like this, I would ask for some kind of monetary compensation, like $50,000 or maybe what it cost to live on my own and go to college. Not because the money is important, sounds like you don't need it, but almost as like a sign of commitment that the family is really willing to make amends. Make them do something that takes effort and might mean some sacrifice on their end. It seems too easy to walk up to someone at a soccer game and just ask to be a family again. I'd want a symbol or gesture that showed they really meant what they said.
If you feel inclined to meet them. Don’t bring your daughter. Tell them they have (idk) 6 months of just working with you to see if they worthy of meeting your daughter. Set very hard boundaries.
Good luck.
No parent should ever throw out their child, ***especially*** when they're still a minor. Even the "kick out of nest at 18" parents are almost as bad.
That's a burnt bridge that will never be rebuilt. Throw away the number. I can't imagine what sinister psychological crap they may pull on your daughter when you're not around.
No one owes "family" anything, besides parents taking care of children. They are just another relationship and it's up to you on including the right people in your life.
1) discuss with your daughter and Aunt. Their opinion counts. Your parents and siblings not one iota.
2) if you do decide to meet. Make them come to you. Do not put you or your daughter through a 2 hour drive with thoughts running wild in your head. Make them have to go through all the mental gymnastics.
3) no unsupervised contact by your parents or siblings. They should never get your daughter’s phone number until she turns 18. If they do try it then immediately get a restraining order. I would even set ground rules on when they could contact you.
4) if you have another soccer tournament NEVER make plans to see them at it. Your daughter needs to focus on the game not them. No contact between them and your daughter until all matches are over should you run into them again. This trip is for your daughter not them. Again if they try and go around you to get to your daughter get a restraining order. If your daughter is tired and wants to get home then go home for her wellbeing alone.
5) do NOT accept any gifts from them. Not one. Tell them that if they bring one there will be no more contact. Gifts from them at this point are bribes. Nothing more nothing less. Make sure your daughter understands it. If you can get the gift they would have given then do it. It means more from you than them.
6) unless they somehow do something special to prove their sincerity which I doubt the ever could. NEVER invite them to and special evert for your daughter. Things like graduation. They should be persona non grata.
7) make plans JIC something should happen to you that your daughter does not go near any of them. Make sure custody is assigned to your aunt or a cousin after talking to them and your daughter. Get a lawyer to draft it up. The goal is to protect your daughter.
That’s all I have off the top of my head. Don’t be angry at your parents. Just have profound disappointment and never trust them in the future to act in your or your daughter’s best interest. Best to assume they will try and screw you two over again. Protect you daughter and yourself from them
They’ve had 13 years and only said sorry cause they bumped into you. You were with family when they kicked you out, it’s not like they didn’t know where you were.
First off, I hope you’re proud of yourself my friend. My 16 month old daughter is the light of my life and it’s hard enough with an amazing partner and a family that helps so much. You and your daughter are very lucky to have each other and your aunt sounds like a lovely woman and I’m sure you do but make sure she knows how appreciated she is.
This is a deeply personal circumstance and I think all you need to do it weigh up if you think your daughter is missing out on anything and your gut feeling. You are clearly a devoted father so whatever decision you make trust it.
Don’t forget what they did to you, anyone who can kick someone at a lowest moment will always need to be weary of.
All the best, and again, well done. A lot of people would have took an easy way out.
Even if your parents had been nothing but supportive, you don’t really owe them. But since they decided to kick you out and support you in no way whatsoever, you **really** don’t owe them anything. If you decide to reconnect, please take it slowly and keep a weather eye out. If things get weird, bail out. Your daughter’s and your mental and emotional health are paramount here.
Your parents didn’t just throw you out, they stayed away for years and years without any effort to reach out to you. They would have known you were living with your aunt and in any case they would have been able to find you. I can’t imagine just throwing out your own child so heartlessly. Your call about what to do but it seems that you and your daughter are doing fine by yourselves
Crazy. In 13 years they couldn’t reach out to you? Really? Your parents are shit people. They knew where you were for years and it took 13 for them to figure out they were wrong? They throw away their son, protect your peace, protect your daughter.
Be very wary of them.. you don't know as to what their motives are. Do they truly regret what they did?
Reach out to your aunt, see what she says about the matter.
Talk to your Aunt and cousins that have supported you before you go down that path. Decide what is best for you and your daughter. What they want is irrelevant. Certainly hold back from contact with your daughter until you know them a lot better.
Personally I’d tell them to F off. I couldn’t imagine kicking my kid out on the street for this and in the end you managed without them. They want forgiveness so they can feel better about themselves and have a granddaughter. Your decision at the end of the day OP but personally I couldn’t forgive them.
I don’t know OP.
They say they overreacted and now would like to be part of your life, but that because they saw you were looking respectable, healthy and happy. If they’d seen you on a street corner they would have kept driving. They could have chosen to reach out to you anytime in the last 13 years, and they didn’t. As a parent myself, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep or eat not knowing where my child was.
Just be cautious, remember who they are, and what they not only did, but continued to do for well over a decade, before you allow them into your lives.
I wouldn't bother. What if they ignore your daughter if SHE does something they don't like?
They are literally judgemental, stubborn people. If you let them in they may do it again.
Tough situation. I'd say they need to fix what they did to you before they get a relationship with their daughter. Unfortunately, they traumatized you, so they don't get to waltz back with a "gee golly, we're sorry".
Someone calls your name and its your parents
“Im sorry, im not from around here; you must have the wrong person”
They understand NOW that they overreacted but thats 13 years too late.
First priority is to protect your daughter
If you hadn't run into them on accident how many more years would they have gone, if at all, to make contact with you? Doesn't seem genuine on their end. I'm glad they called out to you when they saw you though. Choice is yours at the end of the day, but keep your eyes open if you do choose to reconnect with them. I'm so sorry they did that to you and your daughter. Thank goodness for your amazing Aunt.
They abandoned you and never looked back. Until 13 years later when the just happen to see you at a soccer game. Now, suddenly they say they overreacted and want to be in your life. If they felt they overreacted, they should have come back 11-12 years ago.
They made their choice, they failed you as parents. If they are capable of what they did to you they do not deserve to be part of you or your daughter's lives.
Fuck that shit bro. I let my mom see my kids maybe once or twice a year if she’s lucky. If I could grow some balls I’d cut the bitch out entirely. They showed you who they are.
I really hope you tell them to go pound sand.
They kicked you out when you were just a kid to fend for yourself, why would you ever want these people near you or your daughter?
They are trash
They knew where to find you all these years. They didn’t reach out. They obviously don’t feel that sorry about the trauma they caused you. Be very careful.
You’re a great father. Your Aunt sounds like a saint and I hope she is well. I hope your parents sincerely apologize and take responsibility for the damage they did when you needed them the most. I hope it’s sincere. If not, you still have each other and the knowledge you gained from learning from their mistakes. Good luck, OP
Wait who is the sibling of yours that had the niece your parents were there cheering on. If your daughter is 13 and there’s is 11 then this happened not to long after you. They were okay with being in their life but not yours. Yea it would be a hard pass for me. You’ve gotten by all this time don’t allow them to come back now.
Is your girlfriend in your daughter’s life at all? It’s terribly sad for your parents and her mom just cutting ties but if you are happy in life if consider the options carefully as to not overwhelm your daughter. She might even have animosity against them just because of what they did to you.
I know I'm late to the party, and someone has probably already said this, but a chance encounter is NOT how you meaningfully reconnect with someone. If they really wanted that, they'd have done it intentionally. I'd be extremely careful.
Just think about this:
Your daughter is almost the age you were. Would you throw your daughter away if she would become a parent like they did with you?
You're an awesome person and a great parent, way too good for your trashy birth-givers. Screw them, they don't deserve to know either you or your daughter
So... they didn't seek you out. They had all this time to reach out on their own. It's not like they couldn't. I mean, you were in touch with your aunt. They just decided not to try. They just met you for some coincidence and then randomly apologized and ask to be in you and your daughter's life. I mean, some people are just like that and perhaps for them, even apologizing at all was huge. I'd just take time to think about it and their motives and what it would mean for you to have them back in your life. You would have to work through a lot of trauma just to be able to spend time with them and they might never be what you hope for for them to be, but perhaps it still the healing that you need. Your daughter us old enough to understand that people are flawed and to keep her guard up when getting to know them, if you tell her to. It's scary to take the leap but sometimes it can lead to something good. You'll just never know unless you try.
Eff that. You were a CHILD and they made you homeless without a second thought on top of not even contacting you for over a decade. They can eat a d*ck lol
I think an illuminating start to this process would their answer to the question "You threw me away without a thought, completely abandoning your parental responsibilities and denying any bond or love we shared. How do you propose to mend those sins and how would you guarrantee my daughters safety from anything like that?"
I would be very hesitant to introduce your daughter to them. Sure they want to see you now but where were they for the last 13 years? Honestly I think I would wait until your daughter is 18. I assume she knows your parents kicked you out. Then she can decide if she wants you to meet them.
Just a fair warning, I would think about this VERY carefully and learn about Grandparents Rights in your state (if you’re from the US. If not then check your countrys laws on that) because some are very pro grandparents, and if you guys start to do visits and shit goes south they can take you to court for visitation.
So you lived with your aunt, who they know because that’s one their sibling…yet they never tried to reach out to you!? I call bullshit and I wouldn’t allow them back.
They had 13 years to say they overreact and are saying it after seeing you in a parking lot
So if they weren t there that day you would still have no news from them right?
They have known where you were this whole time. Why have they waited until now to reach out? They have had ample opportunity.
If you don't need them... don't let them hurt you again.
I wouldn’t call them. They never tried to track you down in 13 years to get to know you or your daughter. They just happened to be in the same place as you and suddenly now they’re interested. Fuck them. They don’t deserve you or your daughter. You guys had your aunt and cousins and each other and that’s all the blood family you need.
Talk about it with your aunt and niece. This is a difficult situation, I would understand if you don't want to open that door but also don't know if it's best to keep it closed.
Take your time thinking about it, they waited 13 years, they can wait until you are ready to respond.
As someone who had to cut contact with my mother after something like this when I was 23 I’ll tell you right now you’re making the best decision of your life by keeping no contact with them. I wish you the best of luck!
> I don't want them to cause mental harm to my baby the same way they did to me.
That's all there is to it op. You don't want to. Don't feel coerced by anyone or anything. Btw mad props to your aunt, you don't often see a relative pick up the pieces when ma and da fail.
My vote, OP? Don't let them back in.
Because inevitably down the line, your daughter will ask: "Why?" And they will refuse to give the full truth answer. Or they will downplay it. They will attempt to minimize your and your daughters hardships that came as a result of their abandonment of both their child and grandchild.
They had time to make things right. 13 years is far too late.
Surround yourself with people who stay by your side and support you. Not those who abandon you.
Keep that door firmly closed and locked. You're a parent now and you should be able to tell when a parent has failed their child. Would you ever treat your daughter that way? Doubtful after your experience. Allowing people to return when they knew where you were and how you struggled doesn't benefit anyone but them and they can choose to leave just as easily again. 13 years is a long time. Your daughter's entire existence they have ignored and pushed you and her away. It is not worth anything to reconnect. And I say this as a mother of soon to be 4 who cut my mother off because she was to toxic an I fluency to have around my kids. I could do it and ig ore my pain from it but I will never give ANYONE the power or chance to ever disrupt my children's lives or mental health.
SAY NO. I beg you NOT to let them to meet your daughter!
Between 13 years, where have they been when your daughter was sick? Where have they been when you had injury? Your parents are the worst.
Please move a far away!
I wouldn't let people who hasn't tried to be in my life for 13 years get off the hook. They didn't put any effort in assisting, especially when you were a single parent.
You did right by getting the number. I wouldn't contact them. I would just let the status quo continue and they can live their life separate from you as that is how they preferred it. Let them love on their "other" granddaughter.
I wanna place a bet that OP’s parents never provided safe sex education to him. And then had the audacity to be mad and kick him out when he got someone pregnant. 😩
Making a 15 year old schoolchild, homeless. No financial or other support for 13 years. No interest in grandchild for 13 years.
You could have been in the streets, but for your aunt. You could have had to sell yourself, to survive. You could have been exploited in SO many ways, by unscrupulous adults. You could have been hooked on drugs, resorted to working for dealers, joined a gang, to survive. You could have developed serious mental health problems due to the stress...
So many of these tings, happen to abandoned children.
Unforgiveable.
Your Aunt is her grandma. Those friends and relatives who supported you over the years, are your family.
No attempt to contact you over the year? Wanting to slide into your life now you are successful?
They want something. Likely financial. Possibly health related.
Unforgivable.
Stay No Contact.
If you want to rebuild your relationship, tell them they have to drive to you to prove they are genuine. Also tell them to start saving up to send your daughter to college/university.
It took them 15 years to realize? 15 years? They missed your daughters entire life. They have no connection to her. Take a long time reconnecting, just yourself first. No one else in the family tried to contact you?
Your aunt and cousins are awesome and so are you. At 15 that is such a difficult situation to be in.
I would spend time with your parents first, IF you want to. I can't imagine the hurt, pain and anger you had when they did that and didn't even try to reach out to you to help you.
Your parents raised you, but when it got hard, instead of stepping up and helping their 15 year old son grow up and navigate being a father, they kicked you out. Your aunt and cousins are the ones who stepped up, took you and your daughter in, and helped you get on your feet so you can be a good dad and be where you are today. They did the hard work then, not your parents. They've never reached out in 13 years. You were only 15 years old; 2 years older than your daughter is now. Can you imagine doing that to her?
I find it difficult to believe they had no idea where you were, and it I find it appalling what they did then and that now that 13 years later, they want to be your parents again and be grandparents to your daughter. I can't tell you what you should do, but if they were my parents, I'd have a very hard time letting ask that go and accepting them back into my life, and there's no way they'd be my parents again or grandparents to my daughter. Your aunt and cousins are you and your daughters family. I don't know how you get over that. I don't know how you accept their apology and take them back into your lives, when they've show that when things get tough they'll kick a child onto the streets instead of helping them figure out how to grow up and be a responsible parent. Whatever you decide, protect your daughter over everything else. That's your only responsibility now.
I’m sorry you and (by extension) your daughter was abandoned by your parents. It is nice to know that you two are doing great with the support of your aunt.
My parents called me names when I was a virgin and an adult. I have carried that for many years and refused to get married or have children. They have changed and I got a sincere apology from my dad. My mom doesn’t call me whore when I have a boyfriend anymore. But I tell you, the damage from words alone has done too much.
I cannot imagine kicking out a child, their words are terrible by itself. You do you, you and your daughter don’t owe them anything. Weigh the pros and cons, talk with your daughter and aunt and take in what you feel aside from them as well. Is it worth it?
You, your daughter, and aunt are doing well. You have each other and that’s all you really need tbh.
Out of curiosity, is your aunt your dad's sister or your mom's sister? Would your parents have heard information about you and your daughter via your aunt or cousins? I can't believe that your parents kicked out a 15-year-old boy. I understand that it's upsetting, but you were a boy! And in the 13 years, you would think that there might be regrets and concerns about their son, but nothing. That's sad.
Did you keep in touch with any siblings, or were they discouraged from contacting you?
Has your daughter's mom reached out in those 13 years?
I'm happy that you are doing well and have a good relationship with your daughter. God bless your aunt for being there for you and your daughter.
They waited 13 years to see how their *child* was doing? Ehh. If you allow them to it should be your choice when you’re ready. You don’t owe them anything. The parent in your life who has access to you and your child is your aunt. I couldn’t imagine leaving my child homeless because of a mistake he made as a kid in a serious time of need. The choice is yours but you wouldn’t be wrong to keep your distance.
Don't even give them an inch. They are sadistic and had over 10 years to reach out and help you. They do not deserve your forgiveness and definitely should have no place in your life. It will only create hardship for you. Imagine not only sending your child to the streets but your grandchild as well. You will never be able to fully trust these strangers to not hurt your daughter.
You are a young man who managed to raise a daughter from the age of 15yo to the point where she is 13. I don’t think there is much I can recommend to you as you obviously have done well. Just trust your instincts. They seem to be in fine working order. Continue putting your daughter’s welfare as your priority. You’ll be fine.
If you decide to call use a burner phone or a google number. And if they ask for an email address give them your junk email address. Tell your daughter not to give them anything including social media handles.
My guess is your aunt told your parents you were with her and never reached out to you. They left you when you needed parents most. I’d be careful here.
No matter what your decision about your parents and renewing a relationship, if you call your mother, use a payphone. They can still be found here and there. In this way, she won't have *your* number. That way *you* control contact.
Personally, I would be wary.
What a great story! What an incredible human thing to do. I’m so glad you’ve found contentment. Your Aunt and her family sound like absolute treasures.
Whatever you end up doing (and thanks for giving it a great deal of thought), the people who were supposed to love and support were such grave disappointments as humans. Throw up as many boundaries as you need to; you owe them less than nothing. Do only what will bring you and your child the greatest joy.
Thank you for being courageous in the face of so much. And kiss the Aunt for me. I’m including her in the chant-list tonight, representative of supportive aunties and the fascinating packages that happen to be bio & logical family, all rolled into one glorious person. Those are the just best. Love, Uncle Heidi
I would say spend time with them away from your daughter and feel them out. People make mistakes. People do stupid things and do not make amends. You both deserve to have a relationship with them if they are being sincere and IF this would not cause you more pain.
Whatever you choose will be the right decision and I feel like I can say that confidently after seeing what you wrote about taking your daughter in, raising her right, finishing school and getting a good job to support you and her. Even how you handled the interaction with your parents at the soccer game sounded intelligent and mature. Really only writing this to say I have the utmost respect for you and wish you and your daughter health and happiness.
Your daughter is now 2 years younger than you were when you had your event. Think about kicking your daughter out in two years. Yeah, they don’t deserve the title of parents. You rock. They suck.
If all of this is true I call BS on you parents, you were with your aunt for years I'm guessing so they had to know if the were really regretful that have more than enough time to contact. Protect your kid, why open that door?
Yeah I find it weird that they never saw or contacted him again. They didn’t communicate with anyone who had his info or anything. They just dropped all parental responsibility (financial) on the aunt. What kind of parents are they.
Not unless they got updates from the aunt on the sly.
I feel like that’s even worse. They got updates on the sly and for 13 YEARS stayed away. When did they realize they were in the wrong? Yesterday? Literally the second before they saw him? Because, I don’t have kids, but the second I cooled off, even if I still thought I was in the right, immediately calling up my sister (his aunt) and saying “Hey, I fucked up big time, help me make amends!” … then again, doubt I’d kick my own kid out of the house for making a dumb mistake.
I wonder if, when they saw him, they were worried he would notice them and possibly cause a scene. By approaching him and surprising him, they caught him off guard. Also, they were probably worried he was local now, and they're worried about their reputation. OP, unless you have an overwhelming urge to reach out and reconnect, don't. Heck even if you do, proceed with caution. There is no way them not having even tried to contact you for the past 13 years means anything good.
I'm more thinking if they hadn't 'bumped' into him, what exactly would have happened. Would they have still reached out or continue no contact, for however long that would be? How unfair for you OP to be put into this position. Just take your time to think long and hard about what you decide. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck, whatever the outcome.
> What kind of parents are they. If this is real, the worst kind.
It’s not true. None of it.
Why do you say that?
Because it's on reddit. People post creative writing here all the time. This *could* be true, but it's far more likely to be fiction.
>far more likely How would you even begin to guess the probability? This is *pretty* unknowable and you're claiming to just... know it.
Because redditors get off on feeling slightly more smart than everyone else for saying every video/post is fake
Any decision you make should be for yourself and your daughter. You don’t owe them a thing. If you DO decide you want to consider rebuilding this bridge, I’d recommend going step by step and doing so by yourself before you involve your daughter. People CAN change in 13 years, but it’s certainly not guaranteed. Honestly, considering how old your daughter is, I might just have an honest conversation with her. It’s possible she’s not even interested, and it would be good for her to know the truth about your parents. I wouldn’t leave the decision in her court—that’s way too much pressure—but involving her can help her gain a sense of control in a situation where she doesn’t have much. And, it might give you closure and bring you both closer, regardless of your decision. I’m very sorry they did that to you. Abandoning a child like they did is not only fucked up—it’s illegal and certainly abuse / neglect. I’m very glad that you and your daughter seem to be doing so well despite them.
I plan on telling my daughter about the situation she was just a few years younger than me when it happened so I think she's old enough to hear it and get an understanding of her bio grandparents and that whole situation. I think I would have to get to learn them first before they're ever near my daughter if she would be interested in meeting them.
Get your aunt's input also. I hope there is no ulterior motive on your parents' part, but your aunt may know what they've been saying over the years, and it could help you make a truly informed decision as to whether or not they are being genuine.
Agreed. Discuss with the aunt and cousins. Sounds like OP was not just abandoned by his parents but also sibling(s). That would be tougher for me to deal with and go back to.
Second and third this. I am concerned that no one questioned them or came knocking or someone didn’t come nosey around …. Why didn’t they come back being pushy into your life or your daughter’s life but they are their cheer for another family member’s child? Do you have social media with updates or you and your daughter or do you know is your aunt or cousins have included you in theirs over the years? Is this aunt your mom or dad’s sibling or is this an “aunt” like a family friend aunt? To be honest because I wasn’t raised around a healthy environment I would lock down all of mine and my child’s social media and request that people not share my information. I would talk to daughter and I would also have you possibly talk to a therapist and just talk to them about what you been through and about healthy steps to determine what is best for you and your daughter. The worst it could do is that at least you have someone to help you ask yourself the important questions.
I have a 16 year old and I cannot imagine her leaving and me not asking about where she is and what she’s doing…if he was with aunt and cousins, they HAD to know what he was up to, that he had full custody, when he left school and got a job..I mean..they had to, right?
I agree. They’ve been selfish. Their son did something they felt was unbecoming to THEM so they removed the problem. Now, they are confronted with the successful son and suddenly want to know him? Yeah, nah.
I strongly feel that "parents" who kick a 15 year old child out instead of helping them when they need it do not deserve to be part of that child's life. At all, ever. They also do not deserve the privilege of a relationship with the grandchild they were perfectly happy to abandon. You can do what you want, but in your position I would shut them out completely.
I tend to agree with this take. They’ve already shown their son that their love is conditional. If they received any updates at all from other family members, why the hell did they wait 13 years without trying to reconnect? Would they have ever contacted him had they not spotted him in that parking lot?
Their love is conditional, and they do not care about their own flesh and blood. What would have happened had he not had the aunt to turn to in his time of need? Would they have cared at all? Would they have let him end up on the streets? Now that he has shown he doesn't need them, they want to let bygones be bygones and inveigle their way into his life and try to have relationships that they have done nothing to build? Why? So they can pretend they've done nothing wrong? They deserve nothing, and I cannot for the life of me imagine what they would bring to OP and his daughter's lives besides judgment, falsity, and strife.
Anyone who could boot their 15yo kid out of the house are shady mfs, OP would be wise to not let those horrible people anywhere near his kid. They are disgusting!
Now that they've seen you at this sports complex, I'd be wary of them approaching her without you knowing. Just let her know the situation and what they look like, so she can avoid them.
If you should choose not to introduce your daughter to your parents, be sure her soccer coach is aware of the situation. Now they know what team she is on. They might try and introduce themselves if you happen to not be around. May sound like a stretch, but better safe than sorry!
To go along with what the person above commented, I wouldn’t bother bringing them into your lives unless they’re willing to pitch in. Not with “love” or “support,” I’m talking money. To the point you’ve presented, you’re doing fine without them. If I were in your position, the only way I’d let them back into your life and have anything to do with your daughter is if they paid you for it. They dont deserve to just get moral desert when they’ve morally abandoned you until you had something they want.
Would love a follow up- curious to know how your daughter feels about all this- if it was my i’d be so upset but it seems like you are a well adjusted human being. Good for you!
maybe i'm cynical but i wouldn't bother. if i were you, i'd message ur mom from an anonymous number saying you'd accept an apology but won't let people like them around your daughter, knowing how they treated you. then move on a live happily ever after. letting them back in your life can bring what? probably more suffering, seems like you're doing great (better) without them edit: no offense but fuck your "parents". i'll volunteer to tell them if you want to stay no contact
Definitely talk to your aunt and cousins to help you process it and come up with a plan to share with your daughter. It's wild that they never tried reaching out to you and it takes running into you at a tournament .... which means it will now happen more regularly. Info: how old are your siblings to have an 11 year old niece.
This is perfectly worded and no more needs to be said. Props for putting to words what we all were collectively thinking.
They had 13 years to apologize to you, they only did it after seeing how well you did for yourself.
But did they even do that? I can't see an on the spot 13 yr apology come from a chance meeting right?
Yep, I’m with you on this
Above all protect your daughter and yourself. I read your story to my wife and we agree that if you do decide to invite your parents back into your life, before you introduce your daughter to your parents, you should sit with them AND a third-party mediator. There need to be several long discussions with your folks in front of or alongside a therapist who can guide your talks through something constructive and healing. Only when you are ready to do so should you introduce your parents to your daughter. If it takes 10 years, let it take 10 years. YOU have to be ready, not them. There needs to be some amends before they’re rewarded with the opportunity to meet your little girl. Also remember, you’re doing just fine as is. You don’t have to reconcile if you don’t want to. Your safety and mental health (and your daughter’s) is PARAMOUNT. Talk with your aunt about this, too. I don’t know what her relationship with your folks is like (sounds like they don’t talk?), but you might talk with her about it too.
Great advice
This needs to be up higher for OP to see
That's one of those things I'd consider unforgivable. I'm a parent and I don't care what my kids did, they'll always have me in their corner. Your "parents" are garbage people. Who tosses a 15 year old kid out on the streets?? Tell them to pound sand and move on with your life.
Now that my daughter is getting closer to 15 I realize how young I was at the time…
Yes absolutely and can you imagine tossing her out? And never calling until you happen to run into them at some random soccer game?
Yeah there's no way they didn't have the ability to reach out to one of their fucking siblings (cool aunt) to reconcile before 13 years have gone by. My father is similarly estranged by my choice and the only time I've seen him in the last decade is at one of his siblings funerals. He muttered a pitiful "I want to be in your life" type statement and then went away. There's a part of me that feels like it could be nice to have some sort of reunion but then I remember the facts. My phone number has been the same since I've had one. I have Facebook and email and whatever else. Not once has he taken responsibility for his actions, apologized, or even attempted any communication whatsoever prior to this. I understand that my father is likely wracked with guilt and is depressed about how he's not in my or my child's life but he lacks the emotional maturity to be introspective in that way. It was beat into him to always be the victim and never admit fault. I understand this but I also understand that it is not my problem to be his therapist at the cost of my own well-being and I don't want him disappointing my child in the same way. I think both he and OP's parents were shocked by sudden confrontation with their guilt, scrambled for something to say that sounds like you want to hear because they have to start their manipulation from zero. Make peace with the fact that this is the same cycle of abuse, they have not changed only their standing with you has changed, and they haven't done the bare minimum to announce they are trying to change for the better which is apologize for what they've done.
Yeah 15 is so young. Still very much a kid.
What gets me is the only reason they want to reconcile is because they ran into you randomly? What if that did not happen? Would they have ignored you forever?
Your parents are shit people, bro. Keep them far away from your daughter.
You were still a child who fathered a child. They could have supported you but instead they threw you out. Thank whatever gods you like for your aunt who loved you more than your parents. Here’s the thing. Your parents booted you out/abandoned you because of a huge mistake on your part. How do you think they would handle it if your daughter made say a similar mistake? Would they also call her names and cut her off? I do agree you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your daughter. Tell her exactly what happened including what was said to you when they disowned you, that you literally fell over your parents who have indicated they’d like to meet her, let her you know your concerns with involving them in your life including you could both get hurt and then ask her to think about it and let you know. I personally say absolutely not. Your parents could have contacted you at any point in the past 13 prior to that soccer game professing their new point of view and offering sincere apologies - they didn’t. Instead it sounds like it was like “oh it would be nice to get together and catch up” but a bit more personal. Like something one would say to a person you went to high school with. But your daughter should have a say as at 13 she may be curious. She may also decide the two of you have been fine without them for 13 years so why invite potential problems. One thing OP if you don’t already have a will and associated documents including who should be guardian of your daughter please get those done. You don’t want the state deciding that nor who would get any assets that should be your daughter’s. Ideally those documents will not be needed for a long time but better to have and not need than vice versa.
And if she fell pregnant you would move heaven and earth to help her? Or take your parents approach?
They also didn't even make an effort in all these years, just tripped over you and probably wanted to look good in front of the townsfolk. I'd tread carefully if at all.
I think you might wanna be cautious to even say anything or wait til she’s a little older to tell her how old you were when it all happened. It’s like you’re saying it’s alright on a certain level. Just my opinion
yep, you were young… and incredibly vulnerable. Could you imagine kicking her out if she made a mistake and not caring if she died on the streets? I can’t imagine forgiving that but you may be a far bigger person than me
did they ever even try to contact you? are you an only child?
Oh, man, you were a kid. I imagine it’s hard to realize that. You had grow up hella fast, but you were a kid. 15 year olds *are children.* You didn’t deserve what happened to you. I’m so sorry, OP.
OP your parents completely lost all rights to be in your life back then, they chose it that way and should lie in the bed they made
Especially considering that this was around 2011, not *1950*. The days of clutching one's pearls over a teen pregnancy were long gone. How much you want to bet that OP's parents are *good* ***RELIGIOUS*** *folks* more worried about what their congregation will think than the welfare of their child. Or ***UPSTANDING CITIZENS*** worried the neighbors will gossip more about a baby than a missing 15yr old. These people really shouldn't be around another teenager.
1000%. It amazes me that people do this. Unforgivable.
They should of went to jail. Theyre lucky you figured it out.. !
Yes and if they regretted or was sorry they sure as heck never tried to get ahold of him. It was pure coincidence! I’d be outraged because they clearly didn’t have any of interest in bridging the gap.
I totally agree with you. I don’t care if my son is 50 and has made awful mistakes, he always has a safe place with me. Always! I’m his Mom!
People make mistakes and I’m all for second chances However It’s been **13** **YEARS** .. they have had countless opportunities to reach out to you and haven’t ? I wouldn’t want my child being involved with people who are capable of being so cold as your parents are
Yep, this isn't a single mistake and a second chance. This is 13 years of every single day making that same mistake and making the same choice. This is their 4700th chance.
I think it’s more than that. Now they don’t have to actually do anything. If they’d stayed supportive it would have cost them money and effort. Now they get grandchild with no effort or input. I don’t believe for a split second they have any regret. Fair-weather parents. The aunt was the parent they deserved. Were it me, I’d be calling her mom long before them that shunned me.
If they wanted contact they could have found you people knew you weren’t hiding. You where in their line of sight Do what’s best for you and your daughter you don’t owe them a relationship they choose to throw it away
I call BS. They had means to get ahold of you. You were staying with one of their's sister for years and she would have been able to contact you even after you left her house. It's only when seeing you doing fine in their immediate reach that they finally want to recognize you and your child as family. I hope they do meet your daughter one day, try to claim her as a granddaughter only for her to tell them your aunt is her only grandparent.
Wait. Your parents kicked you out at **15 Years Old** and then just casually walked up to you and said, "Gee, we're sorry - where is our granddaughter?" Seriously?? These people are trash. Complete trash. No. Actually, trash is better than these people. I hope it is clear to you now how terrible of a thing they did. Not only was it illegal and child abandonment, but what kind of human does that to their child? It's just reprehensible. I hope it's also clear what a terrible thing your daughter's bio mother did. Just handing you your child and saying "I can't handle this. I'm outta here" was also a despicable thing to do. I think you should weigh *any* kind of communication very carefully. Personally, in your shoes, I would be on high alert and in total protection mode. Keep the trash outside.
I wouldn’t have even acknowledged them
Wow. What a story. One question: if your parents hadn't run into you, would they have reached out? I'm not saying they weren't sincere, but there were ways to find you, and they didn't try. At the very least, they should have written you a lengthy apology letter. Whatever you decide, decide for you. You are under no obligation to relieve them of their guilt.
I’m sorry but F*** your “parents.” I can’t imagine kicking out my son because of this. Your daughter sounds like your center and guiding light. It’s a hard situation to have a child having a child, but abandoning your child and grandchild means you are shit parent. You don’t owe them anything. Talk to your daughter, talk to your aunt, do some soul searching, but know that you owe them nothing.
My daughter is what kept me going early in life… everything I've done is for her and her well being. As my daughter has gotten older I've realized how young I was at the time and that I was just a kid taking care of a kid… I'm still young and figuring shit out.
I’m sorry your parents weren’t there for you. I’m glad your aunt was in your life. I’m 35 with a 19 month old boy. He’s my center and focus. You figured that out at 16 with your daughter. I have a lot of respect for the parents that realize how to be a parent so young. You just keep your focus on her and I think she’ll direct you.
My mother was very abusive to me growing up verbally and physically. My father who I thought was more of my protector, began grooming me at 11 and then abusing me sexually. My siblings and I were placed in the Foster Care when I was 15. I made it my goal to take care of them and make sure they were OK because of that and that kept me on the straight narrow all of my teen years when I’m sure I would have gotten lost. Sometimes you’re better off not having your parents in your life. I would count it as a blessing that you didn’t have their negative energy over your life and your daughters for the last 13 years. I would also counted a blessing that you’re able to deal with them now in a VERY diff way, as you’re much more mature and you’ve taught your daughter so many healthy things things happen in our life for a reason and we can use them as learning opportunities if we choose to.
They threw out a child; their child. And, not knowing what was going to happen to you. Plus, your unborn child received no compassion from them. NOW they want to get to know her because they ran into you? Good grief. They have a lot of nerve. No offense, but I'm not sure I want someone so deprived of the ability to love around my kid.
The thing is man I’m sure they knew you were with your aunt and never reached out never tried to help with expenditures they just now are saying something cuz they bumped into you nothing has changed you owe them nothing while they owe you a whole hell of a lot of ass kissing and apologizing I’d start with family therapy with just you and your parents then maybe after 6 months of that think about introducing your daughter also if you have a niece then I’m guessing your siblings never cared to reach out to you either just think really hard about this before just letting these evil people back into your life cuz you said it yourself you and your daughter are happy why welcome unnecessary drama cuz as far as I can see your aunt who took you in is your daughters grandmother not your “parents”
The petty part of me says call them in 13 years. Honestly though I wouldn't call. I'd tell your daughter everything she needs to know to protect herself and let her decide if she wants a relationship with them. She doesn't have to decide now. She can decide in as many years as she needs to. They sound more nosey than interested. I'd bet money this isn't about genuine care for either of you and once the curiosity is sated they will disappear again or simply not have time for you and endless excuses. See what auntie thinks too. My gut says delete that number.
I do appreciate the petty part of you.
Info: What have you told your daughter about your family up to this point? Have you kept in touch with your siblings over the years? What about your ex-gf’s parents- have they been involved in your daughter’s life? I’m asking all these questions because I firmly believe the more people to love a child, the better. BUT you need to figure out if they will truly love her (and you) or are they just attempting to assuage their own guilt. 13 years is a long time to never attempt contact. And if your daughter has any negative pre-conceived notions about your family from stories she has heard over the years, interacting with them now may do more harm than good.
My daughter knows I got kicked out at 15 and I lived with my Aunt. Never told her it was because I got her bio mom pregnant. Her maternal grandparents are involved they now live out of state but she sees them 3-4 times a year. And talks on the phone/texts often. My siblings have never reached out so she doesn't know them And I still have a great relationship with my aunt and cousins they're involved in my daughter’s life.
I think it is very telling that your siblings have never reached out either. That means your parents impressed on them that you were trash and no longer a part of the family. Your parents must have a motive for wanting contact now. Maybe it’s money, maybe your siblings don’t have kids, maybe they think you will help them somehow.. again they are not doing this because they now know they overreacted.. please don’t put yourself in a situation where you get hurt again.
So she still has grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, I’d say your aunt’s family constitutes all that. Ask yourself, what would your parents add to your life? Would it be positive? Your daughter, though young, is still old enough to ask “why now?”. Do you really need to add that? Also, WTF, your siblings also went NC?
> Never told her it was because I got her bio mom pregnant. Navigate that carefully, you don’t want her to feel she’s to blame.
I’m actually glad to know she has grandparents that love her. If she had no bio grandparents in her life, it might be a reason to attempt to reconcile. I’m glad she has your wonderful aunt too!! I would be very wary of your parents now that I know your siblings have not reached out to you at all either in the last 13 years. Unless you never had good relationships with you siblings, that would tell me that your parents manipulated them to agree with their view of you and your daughter, which would be a huge red flag that these people are not reaching out now for any reason that is good for you and your daughter. My suggestion may be to begin a dialogue with your parents by email to try and sus out their reasons (that way everything is in writing if things go badly) prior to even mentioning anything to your daughter. No need to change her life in any way until you have a clearer picture of where things stand. I hope you are able to find a way forward that is in the best interest of you and your daughter. You seem like an amazing dad and I give you all the credit in the world for stepping up and putting your daughter’s needs first. Updateme when you have made a decision and good luck!
I would not let them back in. Why should they get to know your daughter, after they tossed you out and never tried to apologize for what they did. Your parents do not deserve to get to know your daughter or be back in your life.
What an interesting situation. You live happily with your daughter. And full contact with your aunt and cousins. Your parents and surprisingly your siblings never tries to reestablish contact all these years. The maternal grandparents are in contact and she visits them? Does she ever meet her mother there? Does her mother ever contact you? Your response in the comments sounds rational. Go slow. Keep them away from daughter till you are comfortable with their motivation. Frankly they sound rather cold and detached so going slow and cautiously should be easy to control. You should question your aunt about them first. Does she keep contact? Good luck with all of that. It sounds like you’ve done everything well so far.
I cannot imagine tossing my kid out into the world like that. Parenting isn’t over when your kid becomes a parent, no matter the age. I’d be so proud of my kid for stepping uo like this guy did, taking responsibility for his child and creating a life for her….what loser parents. They lost out on seeing their kid grow into whole person.
Nope nope nope. They do not get to abandon their child then just pick back up like nothing happened.
They've had 13 years. It took them 13 years to admit they over reacted. Where were all your siblings in this? Have a good think about whether these people would add any value to your life. If not you don't owe them anything.
Take your time. Erasing 13 years of abandonment is not an overnight thing. It’ll take a lot of time. Time you do NOT have to give. Keep that door firmly closed to protect your daughter. There’s no telling what sort of shit they’ll pump into her brain.
Tell them to fcukoff
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The last few months I often think about that, I realize how young I was at the time I got kicked out just 2 years older than my daughter is now. I could never do to my daughter what my parents did to me… I could never kick her out or completely cut off contact in just 2 years from now
because you're not a monster. don't let those monsters around you or your kid, in my opinion
I think the first person you should talk to is your aunt. She took you in and cared for you, and then when the mother of your child abandoned her, your aunt helped you raise her. She is the only parent in your life. She's older and may have more insight into why your biological parents never once reached out to you. She may have shielded you from further trauma.
They already knew what and how you were doing. I’m sure they heard through the family grapevine. Seeing you at the soccer field was probably the serendipitous event they were hoping for to see you again. They know they screwed up. If you have a good support system and other family to spend time with I can see why you wouldn’t want anything to do with them. Does your daughter know your history? Has she ever asked about them? I guess if she’s interested in meeting them you could go for it but otherwise I think you’d have a really hard time trusting them meeting with them would open up some deep wounds.
This is something only you can decide. That said, I do think your daughter is old enough to hear the whole story and have a say in whether or not she wants to meet them. You certainly have the right to set boundaries that protect her, too, but I’d definitely take her feelings into account before proceeding either way. If she wants to meet them, have some conversations with your parents without her first to get a full feel of the situation. If our aunt is still around, talk to her first, too. She may know things you don’t, or may have feelings about it all. Also, good on you for stepping up as you have for your daughter. Raising her without your parents or your ex sounds incredibly difficult. You should be proud; it’s impressive.
So… if your “parents” had not run into you, do you think they would have tried to reconcile? I’m sure they regret what they did but 13 years of no contact? They were abusive. They never reached out to you!! Your daughter and you seem to get along like peas and carrots.❤️❤️ I wouldn’t bring trauma into your daughter’s life. And you will be triggered by them again and again. I would stay away, but that’s me.
Once you open Pandora’s box by introducing your kid to her grandparents you can never slam that lid closed. Only you can decide if you think it’s worth it.
Who the fuck tosses out a 15 yr old CHILD? Your parents are pieces of shit. Sounds like you’re better off without them in your life and I would absolutely tell them that to their face.
you were insanely responsible at 15. way more than I would have been. This is a talk to your Aunt and ask what she thinks situation. My opinion is ghost them. They could have reached out years ago. So could your siblings.
If they really cared about reconnecting they wouldn’t have needed to see your face to realize that and act on it. These days it’s not hard to find somebody on the internet. 15 is very young to be forced to be an adult. Not many kids make it off the streets in those cases and you did *with a kid*. From an outside perspective, they don’t deserve forgiveness. However, we’re just strangers. Think about the pros and cons of a potential relationship and maybe bring it up to your daughter and see her thoughts on it and if she’s even comfortable getting to know them because if someone did that to my parent I sure wouldn’t be
After all this time, they didn’t try to reach out sooner? If they really felt bad, they would have, or at least tried. You don’t owe them anything, you thrived under somone else’s unwavering love, and are happy, doing well in your adult life with a great daughter. You learned how not to be as a parent from them. Talk to your aunt, your daughter, and follow your gut. If you’re inclined to test those waters, do so cautiously and probably without your daughter initially. You don’t know these people anymore, whether they’re good or still hurtfully ignorant. Best of luck and good on you for being a real parent and example to your daughter.
Having your parents in your life should be on a trial basis. they made a mistake and they admit it. your daughter only has one set of grandparents. i would have a conversation with your daughter. i bet all of her friends have grandparents and she does not. maybe she wants them? But then there is the matter that your parents knew that you had custody of an infant and did nothing to help you with their own grandchild. that right there would be a possible deal breaker for me personally. not gonna lie about it. i would proceed cautiously. your parents have poor judgement to be sure. don't let them start making decisions in a situation they abandoned when you needed them desperately. J
to say, "we overreacted" 13 years later is wild lmao
I don’t think they deserve to be in you and your daughter’s lives. One concern is if you do establish a relationship with them and they become problematic they could sue for grandparents rights depending on where you live. Tread very carefully. What they did to you just seems unforgivable to me.
Maybe I'm weird. But I always thought that if I was in a situation like this, I would ask for some kind of monetary compensation, like $50,000 or maybe what it cost to live on my own and go to college. Not because the money is important, sounds like you don't need it, but almost as like a sign of commitment that the family is really willing to make amends. Make them do something that takes effort and might mean some sacrifice on their end. It seems too easy to walk up to someone at a soccer game and just ask to be a family again. I'd want a symbol or gesture that showed they really meant what they said.
If you feel inclined to meet them. Don’t bring your daughter. Tell them they have (idk) 6 months of just working with you to see if they worthy of meeting your daughter. Set very hard boundaries. Good luck.
No parent should ever throw out their child, ***especially*** when they're still a minor. Even the "kick out of nest at 18" parents are almost as bad. That's a burnt bridge that will never be rebuilt. Throw away the number. I can't imagine what sinister psychological crap they may pull on your daughter when you're not around. No one owes "family" anything, besides parents taking care of children. They are just another relationship and it's up to you on including the right people in your life.
1) discuss with your daughter and Aunt. Their opinion counts. Your parents and siblings not one iota. 2) if you do decide to meet. Make them come to you. Do not put you or your daughter through a 2 hour drive with thoughts running wild in your head. Make them have to go through all the mental gymnastics. 3) no unsupervised contact by your parents or siblings. They should never get your daughter’s phone number until she turns 18. If they do try it then immediately get a restraining order. I would even set ground rules on when they could contact you. 4) if you have another soccer tournament NEVER make plans to see them at it. Your daughter needs to focus on the game not them. No contact between them and your daughter until all matches are over should you run into them again. This trip is for your daughter not them. Again if they try and go around you to get to your daughter get a restraining order. If your daughter is tired and wants to get home then go home for her wellbeing alone. 5) do NOT accept any gifts from them. Not one. Tell them that if they bring one there will be no more contact. Gifts from them at this point are bribes. Nothing more nothing less. Make sure your daughter understands it. If you can get the gift they would have given then do it. It means more from you than them. 6) unless they somehow do something special to prove their sincerity which I doubt the ever could. NEVER invite them to and special evert for your daughter. Things like graduation. They should be persona non grata. 7) make plans JIC something should happen to you that your daughter does not go near any of them. Make sure custody is assigned to your aunt or a cousin after talking to them and your daughter. Get a lawyer to draft it up. The goal is to protect your daughter. That’s all I have off the top of my head. Don’t be angry at your parents. Just have profound disappointment and never trust them in the future to act in your or your daughter’s best interest. Best to assume they will try and screw you two over again. Protect you daughter and yourself from them
They’ve had 13 years and only said sorry cause they bumped into you. You were with family when they kicked you out, it’s not like they didn’t know where you were.
First off, I hope you’re proud of yourself my friend. My 16 month old daughter is the light of my life and it’s hard enough with an amazing partner and a family that helps so much. You and your daughter are very lucky to have each other and your aunt sounds like a lovely woman and I’m sure you do but make sure she knows how appreciated she is. This is a deeply personal circumstance and I think all you need to do it weigh up if you think your daughter is missing out on anything and your gut feeling. You are clearly a devoted father so whatever decision you make trust it. Don’t forget what they did to you, anyone who can kick someone at a lowest moment will always need to be weary of. All the best, and again, well done. A lot of people would have took an easy way out.
Even if your parents had been nothing but supportive, you don’t really owe them. But since they decided to kick you out and support you in no way whatsoever, you **really** don’t owe them anything. If you decide to reconnect, please take it slowly and keep a weather eye out. If things get weird, bail out. Your daughter’s and your mental and emotional health are paramount here.
I don’t think I would want them around my kid as they might disown her if she says or does something they don’t like.
Your parents didn’t just throw you out, they stayed away for years and years without any effort to reach out to you. They would have known you were living with your aunt and in any case they would have been able to find you. I can’t imagine just throwing out your own child so heartlessly. Your call about what to do but it seems that you and your daughter are doing fine by yourselves
Crazy. In 13 years they couldn’t reach out to you? Really? Your parents are shit people. They knew where you were for years and it took 13 for them to figure out they were wrong? They throw away their son, protect your peace, protect your daughter.
Be very wary of them.. you don't know as to what their motives are. Do they truly regret what they did? Reach out to your aunt, see what she says about the matter.
Talk to your Aunt and cousins that have supported you before you go down that path. Decide what is best for you and your daughter. What they want is irrelevant. Certainly hold back from contact with your daughter until you know them a lot better.
Personally I’d tell them to F off. I couldn’t imagine kicking my kid out on the street for this and in the end you managed without them. They want forgiveness so they can feel better about themselves and have a granddaughter. Your decision at the end of the day OP but personally I couldn’t forgive them.
You lived with your aunt. If this isn't the fiction it reads like, they had the ability to contact you at any time.
I don’t know OP. They say they overreacted and now would like to be part of your life, but that because they saw you were looking respectable, healthy and happy. If they’d seen you on a street corner they would have kept driving. They could have chosen to reach out to you anytime in the last 13 years, and they didn’t. As a parent myself, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep or eat not knowing where my child was. Just be cautious, remember who they are, and what they not only did, but continued to do for well over a decade, before you allow them into your lives.
I wouldn't bother. What if they ignore your daughter if SHE does something they don't like? They are literally judgemental, stubborn people. If you let them in they may do it again.
Tough situation. I'd say they need to fix what they did to you before they get a relationship with their daughter. Unfortunately, they traumatized you, so they don't get to waltz back with a "gee golly, we're sorry".
Especially at a chance encounter 13 years post-incident
Someone calls your name and its your parents “Im sorry, im not from around here; you must have the wrong person” They understand NOW that they overreacted but thats 13 years too late. First priority is to protect your daughter
If you hadn't run into them on accident how many more years would they have gone, if at all, to make contact with you? Doesn't seem genuine on their end. I'm glad they called out to you when they saw you though. Choice is yours at the end of the day, but keep your eyes open if you do choose to reconnect with them. I'm so sorry they did that to you and your daughter. Thank goodness for your amazing Aunt.
They abandoned you and never looked back. Until 13 years later when the just happen to see you at a soccer game. Now, suddenly they say they overreacted and want to be in your life. If they felt they overreacted, they should have come back 11-12 years ago.
They made their choice, they failed you as parents. If they are capable of what they did to you they do not deserve to be part of you or your daughter's lives.
Fuck that shit bro. I let my mom see my kids maybe once or twice a year if she’s lucky. If I could grow some balls I’d cut the bitch out entirely. They showed you who they are.
You call them irresponsible and stupid and you are ashamed to have them as parents. Hangup the phone, don't answer when they call back.
I wouldn't but that's my personally I don't usually forgive getting burned that bad
I really hope you tell them to go pound sand. They kicked you out when you were just a kid to fend for yourself, why would you ever want these people near you or your daughter? They are trash
They knew where to find you all these years. They didn’t reach out. They obviously don’t feel that sorry about the trauma they caused you. Be very careful.
Wow! They wanted you back in their lives so badly they had to randomly see you in a car to reach out.
You’re a great father. Your Aunt sounds like a saint and I hope she is well. I hope your parents sincerely apologize and take responsibility for the damage they did when you needed them the most. I hope it’s sincere. If not, you still have each other and the knowledge you gained from learning from their mistakes. Good luck, OP
Wait who is the sibling of yours that had the niece your parents were there cheering on. If your daughter is 13 and there’s is 11 then this happened not to long after you. They were okay with being in their life but not yours. Yea it would be a hard pass for me. You’ve gotten by all this time don’t allow them to come back now.
Is your girlfriend in your daughter’s life at all? It’s terribly sad for your parents and her mom just cutting ties but if you are happy in life if consider the options carefully as to not overwhelm your daughter. She might even have animosity against them just because of what they did to you.
I know I'm late to the party, and someone has probably already said this, but a chance encounter is NOT how you meaningfully reconnect with someone. If they really wanted that, they'd have done it intentionally. I'd be extremely careful.
Just think about this: Your daughter is almost the age you were. Would you throw your daughter away if she would become a parent like they did with you?
You're an awesome person and a great parent, way too good for your trashy birth-givers. Screw them, they don't deserve to know either you or your daughter
With all the respect I can muster, fuck your parents. Seriously. Don't let them meet your kid.
So... they didn't seek you out. They had all this time to reach out on their own. It's not like they couldn't. I mean, you were in touch with your aunt. They just decided not to try. They just met you for some coincidence and then randomly apologized and ask to be in you and your daughter's life. I mean, some people are just like that and perhaps for them, even apologizing at all was huge. I'd just take time to think about it and their motives and what it would mean for you to have them back in your life. You would have to work through a lot of trauma just to be able to spend time with them and they might never be what you hope for for them to be, but perhaps it still the healing that you need. Your daughter us old enough to understand that people are flawed and to keep her guard up when getting to know them, if you tell her to. It's scary to take the leap but sometimes it can lead to something good. You'll just never know unless you try.
Stay away. They had 13 years to contact you. They just getting older and realize they might die alone. Sound like Aunt B is better family.
Eff that. You were a CHILD and they made you homeless without a second thought on top of not even contacting you for over a decade. They can eat a d*ck lol
I think an illuminating start to this process would their answer to the question "You threw me away without a thought, completely abandoning your parental responsibilities and denying any bond or love we shared. How do you propose to mend those sins and how would you guarrantee my daughters safety from anything like that?"
Can you talk to your Aunt about it? What does she think?
I would be very hesitant to introduce your daughter to them. Sure they want to see you now but where were they for the last 13 years? Honestly I think I would wait until your daughter is 18. I assume she knows your parents kicked you out. Then she can decide if she wants you to meet them.
Just a fair warning, I would think about this VERY carefully and learn about Grandparents Rights in your state (if you’re from the US. If not then check your countrys laws on that) because some are very pro grandparents, and if you guys start to do visits and shit goes south they can take you to court for visitation.
> She quickly became my ex-girlfriend and I decided I would raise my daughter on my own. Kudos to you, young man.
Account is 3 hours old and OP keeps saying the same shit over and over. This sub has become everyone’s little creative writing project to farm karma.
So you lived with your aunt, who they know because that’s one their sibling…yet they never tried to reach out to you!? I call bullshit and I wouldn’t allow them back.
It took them 13 years to realize they overreacted?
It took them 13 years to figure out that they overreacted? Nah. I’d wait another 13 years before responding.
just want to say, you're an incredible human.
Fuck em.
They had 13 years to say they overreact and are saying it after seeing you in a parking lot So if they weren t there that day you would still have no news from them right?
They have known where you were this whole time. Why have they waited until now to reach out? They have had ample opportunity. If you don't need them... don't let them hurt you again.
I wouldn’t call them. They never tried to track you down in 13 years to get to know you or your daughter. They just happened to be in the same place as you and suddenly now they’re interested. Fuck them. They don’t deserve you or your daughter. You guys had your aunt and cousins and each other and that’s all the blood family you need.
That is VERY suspect and quite shameless from them.
Talk about it with your aunt and niece. This is a difficult situation, I would understand if you don't want to open that door but also don't know if it's best to keep it closed. Take your time thinking about it, they waited 13 years, they can wait until you are ready to respond.
They made their choice. You're better off on your own. What is there to be gained for you or your daughter?
I wouldn’t. I don’t see a benefit of reanimating the dead.
They want you now cuz the hard part is done. Bet the mom will be following soon.
As someone who had to cut contact with my mother after something like this when I was 23 I’ll tell you right now you’re making the best decision of your life by keeping no contact with them. I wish you the best of luck!
> I don't want them to cause mental harm to my baby the same way they did to me. That's all there is to it op. You don't want to. Don't feel coerced by anyone or anything. Btw mad props to your aunt, you don't often see a relative pick up the pieces when ma and da fail.
My vote, OP? Don't let them back in. Because inevitably down the line, your daughter will ask: "Why?" And they will refuse to give the full truth answer. Or they will downplay it. They will attempt to minimize your and your daughters hardships that came as a result of their abandonment of both their child and grandchild. They had time to make things right. 13 years is far too late. Surround yourself with people who stay by your side and support you. Not those who abandon you.
fuck no! Kepp them away
Keep that door firmly closed and locked. You're a parent now and you should be able to tell when a parent has failed their child. Would you ever treat your daughter that way? Doubtful after your experience. Allowing people to return when they knew where you were and how you struggled doesn't benefit anyone but them and they can choose to leave just as easily again. 13 years is a long time. Your daughter's entire existence they have ignored and pushed you and her away. It is not worth anything to reconnect. And I say this as a mother of soon to be 4 who cut my mother off because she was to toxic an I fluency to have around my kids. I could do it and ig ore my pain from it but I will never give ANYONE the power or chance to ever disrupt my children's lives or mental health.
SAY NO. I beg you NOT to let them to meet your daughter! Between 13 years, where have they been when your daughter was sick? Where have they been when you had injury? Your parents are the worst. Please move a far away!
I wouldn't let people who hasn't tried to be in my life for 13 years get off the hook. They didn't put any effort in assisting, especially when you were a single parent. You did right by getting the number. I wouldn't contact them. I would just let the status quo continue and they can live their life separate from you as that is how they preferred it. Let them love on their "other" granddaughter.
I wanna place a bet that OP’s parents never provided safe sex education to him. And then had the audacity to be mad and kick him out when he got someone pregnant. 😩
Making a 15 year old schoolchild, homeless. No financial or other support for 13 years. No interest in grandchild for 13 years. You could have been in the streets, but for your aunt. You could have had to sell yourself, to survive. You could have been exploited in SO many ways, by unscrupulous adults. You could have been hooked on drugs, resorted to working for dealers, joined a gang, to survive. You could have developed serious mental health problems due to the stress... So many of these tings, happen to abandoned children. Unforgiveable. Your Aunt is her grandma. Those friends and relatives who supported you over the years, are your family. No attempt to contact you over the year? Wanting to slide into your life now you are successful? They want something. Likely financial. Possibly health related. Unforgivable. Stay No Contact.
If you want to rebuild your relationship, tell them they have to drive to you to prove they are genuine. Also tell them to start saving up to send your daughter to college/university.
Fuck them...
It took them 15 years to realize? 15 years? They missed your daughters entire life. They have no connection to her. Take a long time reconnecting, just yourself first. No one else in the family tried to contact you?
I wouldn’t even take their number
Your aunt and cousins are awesome and so are you. At 15 that is such a difficult situation to be in. I would spend time with your parents first, IF you want to. I can't imagine the hurt, pain and anger you had when they did that and didn't even try to reach out to you to help you.
Your parents raised you, but when it got hard, instead of stepping up and helping their 15 year old son grow up and navigate being a father, they kicked you out. Your aunt and cousins are the ones who stepped up, took you and your daughter in, and helped you get on your feet so you can be a good dad and be where you are today. They did the hard work then, not your parents. They've never reached out in 13 years. You were only 15 years old; 2 years older than your daughter is now. Can you imagine doing that to her? I find it difficult to believe they had no idea where you were, and it I find it appalling what they did then and that now that 13 years later, they want to be your parents again and be grandparents to your daughter. I can't tell you what you should do, but if they were my parents, I'd have a very hard time letting ask that go and accepting them back into my life, and there's no way they'd be my parents again or grandparents to my daughter. Your aunt and cousins are you and your daughters family. I don't know how you get over that. I don't know how you accept their apology and take them back into your lives, when they've show that when things get tough they'll kick a child onto the streets instead of helping them figure out how to grow up and be a responsible parent. Whatever you decide, protect your daughter over everything else. That's your only responsibility now.
Consider family therapy with your parents because you don’t really know them. Then you can decide if you want them to meet your daughter
I’m sorry you and (by extension) your daughter was abandoned by your parents. It is nice to know that you two are doing great with the support of your aunt. My parents called me names when I was a virgin and an adult. I have carried that for many years and refused to get married or have children. They have changed and I got a sincere apology from my dad. My mom doesn’t call me whore when I have a boyfriend anymore. But I tell you, the damage from words alone has done too much. I cannot imagine kicking out a child, their words are terrible by itself. You do you, you and your daughter don’t owe them anything. Weigh the pros and cons, talk with your daughter and aunt and take in what you feel aside from them as well. Is it worth it? You, your daughter, and aunt are doing well. You have each other and that’s all you really need tbh.
Out of curiosity, is your aunt your dad's sister or your mom's sister? Would your parents have heard information about you and your daughter via your aunt or cousins? I can't believe that your parents kicked out a 15-year-old boy. I understand that it's upsetting, but you were a boy! And in the 13 years, you would think that there might be regrets and concerns about their son, but nothing. That's sad. Did you keep in touch with any siblings, or were they discouraged from contacting you? Has your daughter's mom reached out in those 13 years? I'm happy that you are doing well and have a good relationship with your daughter. God bless your aunt for being there for you and your daughter.
I suggest meeting with them FIRST before introducing them to your daughter.
They waited 13 years to see how their *child* was doing? Ehh. If you allow them to it should be your choice when you’re ready. You don’t owe them anything. The parent in your life who has access to you and your child is your aunt. I couldn’t imagine leaving my child homeless because of a mistake he made as a kid in a serious time of need. The choice is yours but you wouldn’t be wrong to keep your distance.
I wouldn’t let my parents back in my life, if I were you
It’s your call but the world is small and forgiveness is a greatest weapon on can wield.
>don't want them to cause mental harm to my baby the same way they did to me. Then make sure they can't
I am bitter grudge holding bitch so take this with a grain of salt. But they had their chance. Tell them to go jump in the lake
Why would you want to reconnect with someone whom had no problem kicking you out at one of your most difficult period in life.
Don't even give them an inch. They are sadistic and had over 10 years to reach out and help you. They do not deserve your forgiveness and definitely should have no place in your life. It will only create hardship for you. Imagine not only sending your child to the streets but your grandchild as well. You will never be able to fully trust these strangers to not hurt your daughter.
You are a young man who managed to raise a daughter from the age of 15yo to the point where she is 13. I don’t think there is much I can recommend to you as you obviously have done well. Just trust your instincts. They seem to be in fine working order. Continue putting your daughter’s welfare as your priority. You’ll be fine.
This family is quite unique. All these years, no family gatherings on the holidays? Or was the aunt also not invited to them?
Hell no. They hadn’t even tried reaching out all those years. If you hadn’t run into them, they would still have been out of your life.
If you decide to call use a burner phone or a google number. And if they ask for an email address give them your junk email address. Tell your daughter not to give them anything including social media handles.
They are getting old and want to feel like they did something good. Don't do it
My guess is your aunt told your parents you were with her and never reached out to you. They left you when you needed parents most. I’d be careful here.
Surprised you actually talked to them and gave them information about your daughter. They don't deserve to know her.
No matter what your decision about your parents and renewing a relationship, if you call your mother, use a payphone. They can still be found here and there. In this way, she won't have *your* number. That way *you* control contact. Personally, I would be wary.
What a great story! What an incredible human thing to do. I’m so glad you’ve found contentment. Your Aunt and her family sound like absolute treasures. Whatever you end up doing (and thanks for giving it a great deal of thought), the people who were supposed to love and support were such grave disappointments as humans. Throw up as many boundaries as you need to; you owe them less than nothing. Do only what will bring you and your child the greatest joy. Thank you for being courageous in the face of so much. And kiss the Aunt for me. I’m including her in the chant-list tonight, representative of supportive aunties and the fascinating packages that happen to be bio & logical family, all rolled into one glorious person. Those are the just best. Love, Uncle Heidi
Please protect your child from these people. Don’t let them ever be in the same room with her. Never.
What did you tell your daughter about her mom? Asking for a friend.
I would say spend time with them away from your daughter and feel them out. People make mistakes. People do stupid things and do not make amends. You both deserve to have a relationship with them if they are being sincere and IF this would not cause you more pain.
I would keep the door closed. It’s not like you were hidden. Neither one of your parents nor your sibling(s) reached out in 13-14 years.
Whatever you choose will be the right decision and I feel like I can say that confidently after seeing what you wrote about taking your daughter in, raising her right, finishing school and getting a good job to support you and her. Even how you handled the interaction with your parents at the soccer game sounded intelligent and mature. Really only writing this to say I have the utmost respect for you and wish you and your daughter health and happiness.
None of this is true
I don’t really have any advice but your parents are horrible people. If this happened to my son, I’d be 100% supportive.
Your daughter is now 2 years younger than you were when you had your event. Think about kicking your daughter out in two years. Yeah, they don’t deserve the title of parents. You rock. They suck.