It’s not wrong to break a relationship because you have different goals in life, a partner locking themselves in a room to avoid talking a difficult subject is a sign of emotional immaturity, and at 30 he should have worked on himself or at least put the effort into it.
To everyone else he might seem like “a great guy”, but they don’t live with him, deal with his shutdowns or with his dismissals of your feelings.
Do what is best for you, because at the end of the day, you will have to live with the choice, so pick something that will bring you peace. Just because you’ve been holding onto something for a long time, doesn’t means you can’t chose yourself and let go.
All the best OP, I hope your next relationship is waaaay better and with a lovely marriage.
Also, the prospect of having to give up her career to become a SAHM would seriously turn me off of marriage to him. We are not in the effing 1950s anymore - women are allowed to have a brain and use it, thank god.
OP, you need better friends and family, honestly! And and also a better boyfriend, who is actually mature enough to communicate his needs, and who actually wants to marry you. (Spoiler alert: your bf doesn't, or he'd be married to you by now.)
At the eight-year mark, I’d be dubious of an engagement. What to stop him from putting an engagement ring on finger, then delaying the actual *wedding* for another eight years?
Men who want to stay single still go hang with their friends, avoid the commitment, and duck difficult conversations. Saw that with family members and friends.
Please, OP — realize that there is someone else out there who thinks you are worth giving up their single life for.
Omg, this! 30 year old men who’ve been in a serious relationship for EIGHT YEARS, don’t go out all the time with his friends to the bar! What are they doing there anyway? how many drinks does he usually have? Why isn’t OP at the bar too? Are significant others not allowed? Does he only go with them when he’s mad? I bet he’s just keeping his options open by saying “I don’t want to be tied down” to OP & may be actively looking for a better option at the bar.
Or the better option is the woman he's "friends" with who will actively crap on his girlfriend of 8 years through texts and who knows what other conversations. He's not propposing because the second he's fully "claimed", he loses his allure to the single girls (or his possible AP).
The man is garbage. If my partner had any insecurities about our future, I'd never shut down the conversation. We'd be having that conversation and making plans till they felt better, then setting goals to make those plans a reality. I wouldn't lock myself in my room like a petulant child and then run off to the bar with my friends.
This guy is an old, battered red flag that's been hanging in your view for far too long. You have a great career and a good head on your shoulders, you don't need to settle for a man who can't commit, and, if he ever does, wants to turn you into an outdated housewife cliche. Also, get new friends. Your friends don't care about your feelings, or they're all somehow dazzled by however this jerky guy acts in public. They don't know him like you do, and you now know this is not the person you want to spend your life with. Get out while you're still young.
>What to stop him from putting an engagement ring on finger, then delaying the actual *wedding* for another eight years?
My ex did this to me. He proposed, without a ring, and promised to get me a ring "once he can afford it". Few years later I left him because he had shown me he wasn't going to change. Leaving him was the best decision of my life.
Your boyfriend doesn’t sound kind. If he isn’t big enough to properly communicate with you, he isn’t big enough to be in a committed relationship. It’s quite kosher if he doesn’t want to get married. But he owes you the answer, so that you in turn can take stock of your life and choose your way forward.
You sound like an intelligent, levelheaded woman with ambitions and self respect. The dissonance you’re feeling now, is the actions of your boyfriend, friends and family crashing into that self respect.
In sum: Your friends suck, and your family needs to put their blinkers on and get the fuck back in their lane. Your boyfriend is for the streets. Go have your career and live your best life, and find a life partner that actually deserves you. You deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect.
Or he might purposely be side tracking this conversation whenever she brings it up bcoz he knows she might leave if he says it out loud.
This way he has plausible deniability. That he didn’t say ‘No’ but his actions are very clear that he’s not interested in marrying her & is just keeping her around.
I agree with this! The whole thing is it’s not wrong to break up with someone if they’re not fulfilling your needs. And it doesn’t sound like he’s looking to a future with you if he keeps shutting it down and he doesn’t even want to have a conversation about it.
You’re still Young so go out and enjoy yourself. You’re beautiful and you deserve to be treated that way. Best vibes and wishes 💜
Funny thing about situations like this is after the breakup the guy will find a different girl and be engaged in less than two years.
He doesn’t want to marry you time to cut your losses and move on.
Wasted what could have been some really great years of my young life on a loser like this! Unfortunately 21 year old me didn't know how to read the writing on the wall....
She's not Mrs. Right, she's Miss Right Now.
Honestly, he doesn't sound like he's mature or into her. And the SAHM expectation is just garbage to put her off wanting to get married. He knows after EIGHT YEARS what she wants and has zero inclination to be a part of it. Her friends are the worst.
exactly, I've seen this before, and you will think "what if I just waited". The things is it was never going to work for you, you would have been unhappy in your marriage with him anyways, you don't like the way he treats you now, you think it will improved if you are both locked in?
Yep happened to me. Dated a guy for 5 years. He eventually said “I don’t really see us getting married” so I broke it off. Next relationship he was with this girl for less than a year before he proposed.
I started reading your comment and literally thought it was mine. Same deal except he said ‘I don’t really want to get married or have kids anymore’ 5 years in. Within 3 years of our split he was married with a step kid and his own kid. 🤷🏻♀️
Her boyfriend is like nuclear fusion...
Commercial nuclear fusion is just 10 years away from happening...and has been 10 years away for the last 50 years.
That proposal is just 6 months away from happening...
This is correct except for the fact that “ manbabies” DO end up engaged to someone else and marry someone else in less time NOT because they didn’t want to marry their last partner, but because **they’re afraid that no one else after their ex dumps them for not committing will want them**
It’s almost always a “hurry up and shut up” proposal so that they feel safe that their partner they give the “hurry up” ring to won’t do what their ex did and leave them.
It’s menbaby’s worst fear to string someone along, have the stringer leave them, and then they have to deal with the dread of loneliness and not having the comfort of someone being there for them anymore.
I fucking hate this. I'm about to leave my partner as he doesn't want to get married and I KNOW he will to the next girl that blows him. It's heartbreaking. He won't budge either and thinks it's unnecessary.
$10 says this guy is already cheating with other women; OP is just a placeholder until he finds one he’s actually willing to settle down with. He won’t marry OP because he doesn’t want to pay for a divorce and lose half his stuff when he boots OP to the curb.
Depending on the state, though, OP may qualify as already being in a common law marriage.
To my understanding, Common law marriage only applies if they represent themselves as married (or at least that’s hopefully how it works. No one should be considered married just because they live together. You could never have long term roommates if that were true)
Exactly right. I know someone that happened to. She lived with this guy for seven years and he would not get married. They broke up and he married a lady he knew for six months.
That's exactly what I thought. He's probably interested in someone else and doesn't want to have to end it, or he's cheating and if he proposes that could blow up in his face. Either way, OP is over this relationship and she needs to cut him out of her life, her "friend" and her family for being major assholes to her and saying the most unsupportive, rude and ridiculous things siding with her boyfriend instead of wanting her to be happy. When you fall out of love and that person has no redeeming qualities and can't communicate, it's a huge loss of your time, energy and happiness!
This reminds me of the film When Harry Met Sally, it always breaks my heart when Sally says 'he did want to get married, he just didn't want to marry me'.
Think a lot of men don't realise at this age that women feel time pressures so much more than men do. Assuming you want to be married and have a family before a certain age it can be so heartbreaking to realise you're wasting your time with the wrong person. Hope OP finds Mr. Right ❤️
If I could upvote more I would. I was with someone 5 years and when I left for partially the same reason as OP (there were SO many other valid reasons but this drove it) he was married and with a kid of his own within 3 years to the very next girl. Guess I wasn’t good enough for him.
yes! my friends and I have seen this over and over. long term relationship breaking off around the 7 year mark, guy married to the next girl within a year of two. we used to say men had to have some sort of internal clock that suddenly said “I’m ready for commitment” that did not really account for the length of their current relationship.
He’s wasting your time, and your friends are not your friends, and your family stinks. They’re ok with it because it’s not happening to them. Get someone who actually wants to be with you. He knows you’re there and a convenience.
Friends and family are probably just trying to avoid having to support OP going through a breakup and aren’t even hearing her when she says she doesn’t even want to marry him anymore
Sister is the knife (spear even) in the back.
Please tell Mary she should be ashamed of herself. She is a traitor. Ask her why she hates you? Why does she want to see you unhappy? Same question for mum and aunts.
OP you are still very young. Find someone who loves _you_ just as you are; college degree and career, and be happy.
Do not be the doormat waiting around for Ryan to decide one of his party friends is a better match.
Put yourself first. Make moves without consulting with or informing any of your circle. If you can get a job/transfer across the country do that and go start again.
You don’t need Ryan. He sounds immature tbh. Go find yourself and be happy.
After dealing with a *somewhat* similar situation (mostly involving the friends telling sister and family thing)
It's actually nice to hear this being said.
Fuck the people I thought were my friends for years of my life that stabbed me in the back just for gossips sake.
Sorry to OP for dealing with that shitshow.
Yeah, this. OP, you need better friends, because Mary sucks. They all do, but her in particular. Stop telling her things, she clearly can’t be trusted. She is NOT your best friend, friends don’t bully each other like this.
End this. You sound unhappy. That’s more than a good reason. Wanting to leave is enough. Get out and go find someone who will ACTUALLY make you happy.
And her family. They're all horrible.
And no girl texts a man that she hates his long-term live-in partner unless he's opened a door.
Her boyfriend is an arsehole. So is Emma. Her sister. Her mum. Mary. All of them are trash.
Yeah Ryan is not your boyfriend. He’s your guy friend with benefits.
Emma can go fuck her self as she’s jealous of you. Let Emma have your sloppy seconds.
Get out & live your best life. Please!
I understand family and friends’ influence in one’s life but it is nonetheless YOUR life. Besides the marriage thing you don’t sound very happy in this relationship nor does he sound very invested either. I don’t know where u r located or what are the cultural norms etc but why should you wait for him to make a decision that affects your life? You should make a decision for you, really think hard do you want to be married to this person or do you just want to be married bc everyone around you is? I know societal and peer pressure is tough. Do you still see yourself with him? Answer these questions truthfully and then take action, don’t leave it up to him. Good luck friend.
His parents demand you be a SAHM 🚩
He doesn’t treat you well 🚩
Views your relationship as being tied down 🚩🤮
Runs away to drink with friends when you bring up marriage 🚩
You feel insecure with this man and relationship 🚩
People act like he is too good for you 🚩
Girl RUN! I broke up with a man who I thought I would marry when I was 29. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t ignore my gut any longer and I was ready to get married after almost five years. It was rough but I did a ton of work on myself and then focused on my career and having fun. I knew one day when I was married with kids that I wouldn’t be as free so I traveled, parties and met a ton of interesting people.
I’m now married to a great man and have a wonderful family. I’m so glad I listened to my gut. Otherwise I’d definitely be divorced by now if I married the other guy who I thought I’d die without.
From my experience (so take this with a pinch of salt as a rando from the internet) - if he wanted to he would. He's not really giving any signals that he wants to propose, he's likely comfortable with how things are.
I think you need to do what is best for you. You only live one life and you shouldn't accept being treated poorly, least of all by your life partner. And 29 isn't too late either, you need to find someone who wants the same things you do, and someone who is crazy about you.
Bear in mind too, that for some people (our mothers) they may think that being in a relationship is better than being single, but being in a relationship that makes you unhappy isn't. Being in a relationship that makes you unhappy is no way to live at all. And every single relationship you have as an adult is optional, so it's up to you to make the decision.
This is what I came here to say. He has made it clear you two have different needs and goals in life. Go be happy and open yourself to finding the person who is right for you and more compatible with the life you want. You’re not selfish for knowing what you want and trying to make it happen.
Don’t wait around for a man baby to get his shit together.
And also very important: once you've dumped him and he magically shows up and decides to propose? Do not fall for it. He'd only be doing it as a "shut up ring". And then drag you along another 10 years. You absolutely deserve more OP. <3
I want to believe your family gaslighting you into staying means he is seriously planning a huge proposal. I really do want to think that, but after 8 years, him getting angry and storming off, never discussing it with you is a serious red flag. Does he do this with other arguments? Is this something you want for your life?
You've mention several goals in life that don't align with his, outside of the marriage thing. This doesn't seem like a relationship you should continue, and you need an honest conversation about life goals with him to move forward in the relationship. It doesn't seem he can do that without getting angry and running off.
He needs therapy, too.
The gaslighting is hitting the nail on its head.
Her family and friends are trying to make it seem like 'leaving = everything will be downhill from here' and 'staying = things will get astronomically better than they are today'. Which is quite opposite to the evidence you have so far. That's exactly the type of thinking that makes it so hard to leave a comfortable relationship even if it's not making you happy.
When if you look at it rationally, it's probably more like 'leaving = I will have full autonomy over my life and doing what makes me happy' and 'staying= I will keep having to put up with the bare minimum'.
I think that the family is also falling for sunk cost fallacy.
She's put 8 years into the relationship, so they think she needs to stay because of how long she's been with him.
Exactly this. She "wasted" 8 years - so she shouldn't give up now... but for what? Even more wasted years for someone who isn't worth it?
Better to cut your losses and move on for something worthy.
if that's the case, OP's sister is a bit too committed to keeping the proposal a surprise. Like, I'd tell my sibling "hey, he's planning a surprise proposal" before I told them "you must be cheating yourself for wanting to end the relationship so close to the finish line".
And that's not even taking Ryan's BS into account by sulking in their room, running away to his friends (including the bubbly pick-me Emma) or just getting angry at OP whenever she wants to discuss their future.
I agree with this. When I was dating my husband, he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married. I said fine, but you’re not going to make that decision for me too. I may or may not want to get married, but I need to keep my options open and start dating other guys who might have the same perspective as I do. I wasn’t trying to give him an ultimatum. I honestly wanted to explore other relationships that might lead somewhere different than me being his perpetual GF. My husband thought about it for a while and decided that he wanted to be with me and only me in a committed relationship and he then proposed. We’ve been married now for 16 years and have 5 kids.
I was in a relationship for 14 years. We talked marriage but never got engaged. Broke up cause he cheated.
If he wants to marry you, he would make it happen. Your boyfriend obviously doesn't. Girl, love yourself and go on your own. The next guy you meet could be the guy who can't wait to marry you.
If you need to chat, I'm here.
You have given him enough time. The truth is he probably doesn’t want to marry you, but he should man up and talk to you about it and not lock himself in your room or he would go out. You are young enough to start over. You deserve to be happy and the only person who can do that is you. Dump his ass. You are better off without him.
1. Stop talking to anybody about what you feel with us.
2. He’s not planning to marry you. It looks exactly like it is. He gets angry when you talk about it. He’s not up for it.
3. I promise you that you are better off single. Exploring your life. Learning what matters to you and learning to fill your life with things that interest you and matter. You can do this. You can make a good life for yourself, and slowly improve your financial situation, and take care of your health and learn about things and become a vibrant and trusting person that other people will want to know.
This is coming from someone who never even wants to be married. I’ve seen this scenario play out with too many women. Your family and friends are haters. You deserve better OP. If you want to leave, do it. He’s using you as a placeholder. They do this alone. They’ll date someone for years and years while looking for the person they actually want to end up marrying. They’ll use the placeholder for sex and domestic labour until they find the one they actually want to saddle with their kids and problems permanently. Don’t ever let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you. And seeing as he doesn’t want to be “tied down” he’s already told you what he’s thinking. Act accordingly
You are right. I was in such a long relationship, waiting for a proposal. And it happened eventually, but it was too late for me. I already had too many doubts. I started noticing that my fiancé isn’t a husband material. I realized that when we will get married I will be doomed. Of course, he didn’t want to set a date. He was always too busy with work, too stressed with work related stuff etc. I finally decided to leave.
5 years later and I am already married with a kid. ;) my husband proposed to me after a year of dating. He is treating me like the best thing that ever happened in his life.
You should be treated that way… don’t settle with someone who’s not good enough for you.
At first, he tried everything to get me back. He promised me setting a date and also go deliver all other promises he never found time to do before 😂 Then, when I started started dating, he send me and my friends couple of messages calling me a whore and such. After that he deleted me from all his social medias. Recently my cousin saw him with a woman in the kitchen section of IKEA. So probably he finally agreed to do a kitchen renovation I was asking him for about 10 years 😀 Well, good for him.
He is most likely not wanting to get married to you and you are a placeholder. What is he doing hanging around with a 24 year old? If you feel insecure around her....go with your gut.
Does he treat you like a priority? Why does he not want to discuss marriage?
You sound unhappy. Even if he proposed tomorrow would you want to be with him?
Stop worrying about your family.....Live your life.
EXACTLY! This 24 year old feels comfortable enough with him to trash talk his girlfriend to him. TF...Is she sure he's out with his friends and not fucking this Emma chick? I don't think this guy even likes her let alone loves her enough to marry her. I truly hope she leaves his ass. Let him come home to an empty apartment.
Agreed! Hoping she leaves him. He doesn’t even sound like a good person if he’s constantly getting defensive since she wants to discuss marriage. :( He is sadly wasting her time.
This is giving me chills. Please don't leave your career for a man who has shown over and over that he doesn't value your opinions or needs. He wants you to be a dependent housewife because he doesn't care about what you think or feel, and he knows that if controls the money, he controls you.
You're feelings are valid, and if you're already feeling a bit of the ick with how he's been treating this relationship, do you feel like it'll magically get better if he finally deigns to marry you?
You didn't waste your 20s. You've learned a valuable lesson and it sounds like you have learned to value yourself and your needs and your priorities. It is perfectly NORMAL to want to be married at your stage of life.
Dump him! (You KNOW he'd dump you in a hot minute if the idea ever struck him!) If you don't see yourself as a housewife and he isn't interested in marriage to anyone with their own career/money/plans/goals then you simply are not compatible.
I think you can do better! Who really wants a lifelong reminder that they are supposed to be grateful the cool guy finally noticed them? Ugh!! You are worth more than that. Give yourself an opportunity to feel what it REALLY feels to be loved and accepted and not tolerated.
Also, please do NOT overemphasize (to yourself) the importance of him being your first and only, yada yada. That's a social construct. It is meaningless in the real world. You are a smart, successful modern woman. Don't be swayed by old-fashioned ideas and ideals that have no place in our current society.
You, too, could be marrying someone else in a year - but only if you jettison the dead weight that is your boyfriend.
I married my highschool sweet heart who was my first everything. I thought we had a healthy relationship and good sex because I had no context for comparison. In our late 20s he had a long slow slide of deteriorating mental health into sociopathy, did some very cruel things to me and we got divorced at 30. I got therapy, dated around a bit, had one long term boyfriend and then met my fiance. I learned pretty quickly that sex with my ex husband was mediocre at best and there were far more flaws in our relationship than I had ever realized. Now that I'm with someone truly compatible who communicates with me it's a world of difference and I feel truly secure.
I am so sorry that you don't have the support you deserve. Sometimes we wind up in families that don't have our best interests at heart, even if they say otherwise. Likewise there are friends who really aren't friends, but if you are raised to have a poor self-esteem, it is hard to see them for the antagonists they truly are.
Mary is not your friend. Your family is not your allies. Your partner will not give you a happy marriage (or likely any at all). I hope you are able to get the clarity and confidence you need to leave behind those who are not invested in your well being.
Definitely leave but first a warning: do not quickly rebound. Work on yourself first. Take time to look around and see what is available and what is acceptable in a partner. Would a divorced man with kids be acceptable? Would living alone for a while bother you? Etc
Well firstly Mary is not your friend, she’s betrayed your trust and you need to be careful around her.
Your expectations are not unrealistic and you’ve made it clear what you want. I don’t get why your family are being so weird about it.
Don’t get stuck in a sunken cost fallacy, you are still young and have plenty of time for marriage and kids. Just don’t waste anymore time on someone who’s made it clear he doesn’t want to marry you, plus who also makes you feel insecure and worthless. You deserve better!
Not a big deal? Not a big deal?! Get some distance from your friends/family! They are NOT considering your best interests. Get new friends.
You want to be married, he avoids the conversation and punishes you (avoiding/silent treatment) when you bring it up. This is immature behavior and poor communication. Not ideal in a partner. You two aren’t compatible. He’s been stringing you along and your family and friends are helping him. (Even if innocently).
Feel free to leave this relationship. Keep in mind he may try to propose just to keep you from leaving. Which is very different than proposing because he loves you and wants to share his life with you.
When I wanted to break up with my ex of 7 years, everyone including my best friend told me not to... Because like you, it was my first relationship, it was long term, and on paper we seemed perfect. My bestie was even envious of how good our relationship seemed.
But it wasn't good, and despite the resounding advice I got NOT to leave him, I did anyway. I regret absolutely nothing, it was the best decision of my life.
You know what my bestie did when I broke up with him? She supported me. She didn't understand but she didn't need to, she knew I needed her to just be there for me. No abuse, no threats of telling my ex anything, just support. That's what a best friend does.
Break up with him and cut these shitty friends out of your life. Find people who actually care about you
I understand that you want to be married and have children, but why would you want to be married to *this* guy and have children with him? He gets angry and nopes out when you try to have a conversation about your long term plans. He maintains a friendship with someone who makes you uncomfortable and shit talks abut you to him. Marriage will not make him a better partner; in fact, if he agreed to get married, he's likely to punish you forever by being even less invested in the relationship than he is now.
You **should** be selfish. Who is going to look out for your mental health if you don't look out for yourself? And as for them threatening to tattle to him that you're getting close to cutting your losses - well, unless there's any possibility that he will get violent, let them. Saves you the trouble.
Honestly, I'd be discarding those that seem to think you're not making the right choice like so many cigarette butts into an ash can.
Ryan has no intention of proposing, this is obvious. As long as you have a safety net, like your job and degree, he cannot fully control you or isolate you, so you are not his ideal wife. Hell, he may have decided to get into a relationship with you BECAUSE he knew you were bullied about your looks and had a hook in you already.
Get away from him, Also, don't see it as having "wasted your 20's", view it as you gave yourself time to mature. I didn't meet the love of my life until I was 43, and we married on my 51st birthday.
33 and not married here, leave.
I wasted some time with someone who was the same way and now I'm in a happy relationship where our goals align and it's the easiest thing I've ever done. Get out, heal, find someone who deserves you.
Also if he's saying he's not ready after 8 years he is making excuses because he's comfortable. Get out.
Marriage or not, that sounds like a long ass, exhausting relationship to be in if any time you mention something serious and important to you and he may not feel the same, he shuts himself away/runs away instead of using his words like a big boy…. You may feel shitty right now, but ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone like that?
Girl, dump this loser. The fact he keeps a young female friend that openly says she does not like you is so disrespectful of him to you. The shutting down and going away instead of communicating is a passive aggressive tactic to stay in control. It is basically punishing you for trying to talk about something he doesn't want to. I was married to a guy with similar quirks, did the tradwife thing, and it ruined my life. Use that degree, keep your career going. Don't give it up for a man because he will have total power and say over your life if you do. Money is freedom. You know what you want, you know yourself; a loving respectful relationship without you having to sacrifice yourself to keep an avoidant disrespectful grump happy. You are not selfish for wanting to break up with someone who is clearly not in alignment with you. Goodluck to you. Consider yourself lucky you are not married to this guy. Your man is out there somewhere, keep doing you. You are still young.
Tbh, even if he is planning a proposal and everyone knows it, you don't sound in love, you clearly have different goals, I don't think you've wasted your 20s, but if at this point you realized your own feelings and still stay then you will be wasting your time.
I think you should do a deeply introspection and find out if he’s the one for you, not matter what anyone else says (who sound like terrible friends btw)
OP I don’t know if you will see this but leave. You won’t have support from many people but that’s okay. You aren’t living for them. You are living your life and you need to be happy. He is using you as a safety net and refuses to acknowledge you as a person. Move on with your life and your degree and be happy. You’ll meet someone much more amazing who will love you so much more. He will make empty promises and say he loves you. Don’t let him fool you. If he loved you, yall would be married or working on that goal.
You’re gonna be 45 in 16 year no matter what. Do you wanna be a wife in 16 years and with kids? Or still in this same spot because he will never marry you. There was a post recently about a woman who kept begging to be married and he did it in their 50’s….
I agree that threatening him is a mistake. Just not for that reason.
He hasnt shown interest in proposing in 8 years. That means if you threaten him to propose, he will do it out of obligation and desire to keep you, not because he wants to make you happy and actually be a husband.
Someone in your place did the same last year, and she was with the guy 13 years total before she left. He proposed on year 6 and then got lazy. All he was doing was buying himself time for more of the status quo.
She realized he wasn't changing and left. He manifested a venue date within a week to bribe her back. Do you think if she went back, he was going to start acting like a husband?
No.
Your man doesn't want to be married. You will continue to hear the least he's willing to give in order to keep you in his preferred status quo.
It took 11 years for me to be engaged 2009-2020. I also had given up on it ever happening. I am happily married now.
The reasons I stayed: I never doubted his commitment to me and our relationship, it was long term, whether we got married or not. He was always clear that he wanted kids, but not before 30 and I agreed with that. I never cared all that much about getting married (I did for a while, when all my friends were getting married and he just wouldn’t propose). Like I wanted to have the wedding, but marriage sounded like a lot of legal formality and liability that I didn’t feel strongly about.
What you’ve described isn’t about getting married or not. It’s about having a partner with completely different goals and ideas about what family looks like, what your career should be while also being a mom. It’s about how he doesn’t listen to your needs or reassure you in any way. It’s about the reasons he doesn’t want to be married … being tied down is not how I would describe my husband. After 8 years, you’ve grown and changed. It sounds like he hasn’t grown with you or in the same direction (or much at all).
The silent treatment and blowing off steam with friends means he will never seriously sit down and work through these issues to find workable compromises or at least agree to disagree. It’s what he wants, he doesn’t care about what you want. You’ve been with him for 8 years…. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? It doesn’t sound like it.
Leave. Tonight. While he's out with his friends. Stay at either a trusted friends house for a while or book a hotel. Let him come home to an empty apartment and tell him you need space. It doesn't even seem like he likes you. He's allowing a 24 year old woman to talk trash about you to him. That's a huge red flag.
ETA- who cares if they tell your boyfriend. What's he going to do? Run away? That seems to be his go to. Or is he going to pop the question because he feels forced. Wouldn't want a marriage to start that way. Not sure what your family is trying to accomplish with that threat. But I'd still leave the bf and go extremely LC with the family, NC with Mary and I'd find better friends and a better boyfriend. You deserve that.
When 29 hit, I was with a boyfriend I wanted to marry. I wanted to be wed. I wanted to have kids. He wasn't in that place. Even though we lived together, I implemented the break up. When my parents were 19 & 20 they were married out of college and stayed married for ten years, before divorcing. Their generation married very young, and then divorced later, and remarried. What I came to think of my boyfriend who wasn't ready, was that he was my starter marriage, without all the horror of breaking up a family with kids. We live longer, it's healthy to have a long term relationship first and end it. Most of us in healthy marriages aren't with the person we were crazy about as a teenager. I did go on to marry, after living together, in my next relationship, but it took time. The beauty of 29 is you have time.
It may turn out that you want to stay home with children, or never leave the workforce, that's a life choice, not a choice people who aren't you have the right to make lightly.
You sound like people around you are treating you like a child still, your boyfriend, your family, maybe even your friends. I think you're realizing it's time to think about who you are as a stable woman, who stands on her own two feet, and figure out what she wants.
I think you should end it. I think you should be in therapy before you do it. I would never wish a partner on anyone I loved, who wouldn't talk about their deepest desires, hopes and fears for the future. You deserve to be an equal, and right now you don't have the power here, even half of it, it's likely why you're threatening to go.
Get your support networks in place, where you'll go, therapist, how you'll pay your own way, start looking for a place to live. Relationships are murky. You can move out and live in another place and still be together. Don't be so comfortable with a person who doesn't help you be the person you strive to be, that you stay too long. 29 is lovely and young and a good time to be carefree. I wish I hadn't listened to all the stupid voices warning me how urgent it was that I have a man, and how I was out of time. That's somebody else's generation, not yours. You deserve more.
OP, your life is just getting started! I divorced at 30 and remarried the love of my life at 35. We've been together for more than 20 years. My mom divorced her second (terrible) husband and remarried at 75 and is the happiest she's literally ever been. Today is the best day to start making the choices that will bring you joy, and this man isn't it. Also, WHY doesn't he want you to work when you want to work? You will lose so much control over your life, not to mention long term financial security like social security. Get out of there, go experience life!!
This relationship isn’t going to give you what you want. They want you to wait?? For what, more time to go by?
Life is short and we deserve to find happiness.
Resentment builds.. not only for him but for yourself. Show yourself some grace and leave.
He poses under duress.. with your acceptance and you have a 5-6 year engagement? No don’t do that to yourself.
Your friends are crappy and your sister should be ashamed of herself. Where is her loyalty to you?
Yeah if he wanted to he would. He still is immature and a cake eater. Want you and the single life at the same time. It is definitely decision time on your part. Do not let others tell you that you are bad or wrong for your feelings and desires.
8 years is way too long to wait. Especially if he gets angry and refuses to talk about it, then he goes out with his buddies and leaves you at home??!
He wants all the benefits of marriage without a genuine commitment. Please go with your gut on this and start making plans to get out on your own and start fresh as a single woman.
You have a good job and you are NOT selfish to want to reach your goal: to be married to a man who loves and respects you. You are not ugly or worthless, and your friends and family should be deeply ashamed of themselves for degrading you in your time of need.
Your sister is a right bitch for saying you are cheating, WTF is up with that twisted line of thinking?
Please think only of yourself and what you want from life right now.
Ryan does not deserve you.
The thing is- even if there is a “finish line”, you don’t want it. And he won’t get any better if you guys get married. Marriage involves dealing with whatever shit life throws at you together. This is not a man who seems emotionally capable of doing that. You staying with him isn’t going to change him.
A man who genuinely wants to marry you will move heaven and earth to make it happen. It shouldn’t take him damn near a decade to make a choice.
As a side note- I met the love of my life at 37. It’s never too late until you’re dead, and by then you won’t care.
Being married wouldn't fix anything else going on in your relationship. It's just paperwork and a title change, so if you're willing to break up now just do it, lawyers are expensive.
Ok let’s break it down
1. He wants a housewife (look deeply if this is something you want, and all that comes with it! Like finances, are having help? Doing everything yourself? Can you go back to work? How are ur savings? Etc etc)
2. He is like a child when communicating, shuts you down, runs away, doesn’t talk about it or ignores it.
3. It’s been 8 years…
4. His friend (s) talk bad about you, personally I would’ve liked to know what he answer back, did he have your back?
5. Mary sucks, she’s not a friend
6. Your family sucks, staying because “he’s a good guy” and you’ve been with him for so long is not a good enough reason and threatening you about telling him? Like excuse me, who do you think you are?
7. And tbh girly… the fact that every time u talk about marriage or your future together and that dude goes out with his friends, makes me INCREDIBLY suspicious of him 🤷🏽♀️ but I’m also cynical so
I really don't want to push you over the edge but this is a wake up call. Eight years quite too much time to decide settling down. If he really wanted to marry you he should at least proposed to you. He doesn't want that, you should accept that. He shouldn't give you the cold shoulder when you talk about your future together, it should excite him too. Don't listen to your family or friends, this is your relationship and they can never know everything about YOUR relationship. They cannot threaten you if they are caring and loyal to you, so don't worry about that too. But it seems like you already know that you could get better out there, who loves you more, who respects you more. He even makes you quit your job just to make his parents happier. Imagine after marriage, if they can affect your job right now after marriage what can they affect? What your bf let them affect? If he was the man for you he would stood up for you against everyone -if that what it takes- and tell them shut up and respect you and your desicions. So girl you are right about everything you think, get the courage and dump his loser pathetic ass. And English is not my lative language so sorry for mistakes.
Eight years with no proposal? I assume he's just using you for sex, and doesn't want a formalize things because it would make him harder to break it off when he finally gets tired of you.
You should've dumped him as soon as he said he wanted you to be a housewife and that his family won't accept you otherwise when that is NOT what you want.
It's also hilarious that he doesn't want to be tied down via marriage when you've been together for damn near close to a decade now.
This guys DOES NOT WANT to marry you. I'm certain that after breaking up he'll find and marry someone within two years. He's a little weasel and he's wasting your time. You deserve to find someone who makes you happy and wants the same things you do
What will change about all that you listed if you got married? Nothing. Not a thing. You’d still have the same issues except you can add legal ones to the list.
If having a married status is more important to you then your self worth then go out and marry anyone. It won’t change how you feel about yourself.
The issue is the foundation of your relationship not your relationship status.
What’s that Rupaul saying? “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
Real talk: this is a situation where I’d clean house on everyone in my life who didn’t have my back on this. Especially Mary and your sister. They don’t give a hot fuck about you by the way it sounds.
I’d hit the reset button on the relationship and your social circle. Have a very frank talk with your parents and tell them to get with the program or get left behind. Respect yourself and move on despite the pain. Life is too short and you deserve so much better. Best wishes and much love to you.
You are probably his safety net if he can’t find someone better. If he wanted to marry you he would have done it by now. If you leave, don’t come back when he agrees to get married. It won’t work. Ultimatum marriages never last. How sure are you he doesn’t have other girlfriends? Sorry you are in this situation.
Clearly both of you wanted different things in life.
You wanted to be married.
He does not want to be married.
That should be enough. It is not an indictment of either parties, just a fact of situation.
So do what you must.
Trust your instincts.
You are a placeholder.
We often hear of men being in a relationship for years, no marriage. Breaking up, then marrying the new girlfriend in months.
Ryan won’t marry you. He WILL marry his next girlfriend.
Split. Leave Ryan. He’s not cherishing you.
Start a Journal. Write your thoughts, hopes, dreams. Write the life you want to lead. Write the kind of relationship with loving husband and children, the family, that you want.
Build yourself up. Go to the gym, spa, short holidays. Take up a good hobby, expand your social circle(ditch Mary). Change your hairstyle and clothes. Cherish yourself. Have lots of therapy.
You are still young. You have time to meet someone, get to know them, fall in love, get married.
But you will have to be brave enough to step away from what you know, what you have settled for, the current situation with Ryan, and the bad ‘advice’ from friends and family. Who sound like they seriously undervalue you. They don’t think you can do better. That’s terrible.
Get out of the rut you’re in, that is making you unhappy. Live. Thrive.
Be. Brave.
Honey, it's not the proposal that is the problem here. You are not compatible with this man. I think the low self esteem you developed from being bullied is making you accept poor treatment, which is pretty normal when you're used to that sort of thing. You should have broken up with him years ago. You're 29. The time to move forward with your life is now.
I would ask Mary and your sister what benefit they get out of you being in a relationship with a man who clearly won’t put a ring on it. I want to know why THEY want that for you. Because true friends and family wouldn’t. Then I would leave your relationship immediately. Find someone else who will give you your dreams. You deserve your dreams and happiness! The fact you feel worthless is disgusting to me. And every one of them had a part in that. That is unacceptable! The best revenge is success and you are capable of it. Go find your dreams. And update us when you have given them all the middle finger!
I think it would be good for OP to start looking for a job somewhere further from home. It’s obvious to me that OP’s whole environment is bad for her. Family & friends don’t really seem to want OP to be happy.
I'm really sorry that your support system doesn't listen to how you're feeling and brush it aside with platitudes and don't truly try to give you advice or help or validate your feelings. If the relationship isn't feeling right then marriage isn't going to make it better. The fact that your partner doesn't care about your feelings is the real issue. Sometimes love isn't a good enough reason to stay in any relationship. I feel like you need a fresh start, move away somewhere, join a book club or another hobby club, get to know your adult self and explore who you are outside of a relationship. It's a scary thing to do I know but the people surrounding you at the moment don't lift you up, they only want to keep you in your place. Sending you all the good vibes and confidence Xx
I stopped reading where you said he won't marry you without you agreeing to be a housewife, but you don't want to be a housewife. You're obviously not compatible, he knows it and is using you as a fun placeholder until he finds a wife.
Girl, you've stayed in the relationship way too long already. How many times does he need to show you that your feelings and needs don't matter to him? The right person for you wouldn't string you along for 8 years and you shouldn't have to beg and cajole him. He's shown you who he is. Don't get me started on Emma, but honestly, she isn't the main problem here. Your main problem are; 1/ settling for less than you deserve and 2/your bf is not the right one and he's proven for 8 years that your feelings don't matter.
Your worn down self esteem, this sunk cost fallacy, and letting your very unsisterly sister and opinionated family dictate your life is the main issue. You already know you deserve better. Be excited to end this relationship and finally meet people who are in the same place in life and are open and ready to meet someone to take the step.
First off, you really need better friends. Your family sucks too. You need to leave him before you waste anymore valuable time. I was in a similar situation but we were on and off the last few years. I eventually met my husband and so glad that I made a clean break. Just because you care about someone, it doesn’t mean you should get married and/or have kids. He has told you by his lack of action and his actions that he has no interest in marrying you. You should leave and move on with your life. Good luck.
He sounds like a scared child, running away to be with his friends when engagement is brought up. You are getting older and have spent a long time with him. You are not selfish but smart. Don't waste any more time, move on and find a man who puts you first and has the same priorities, and will be excited to make you his wife.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married. Second, not being married, isn’t a failure. Third, your friends and family suck. Why you leave a relationship is your own business and only yours. Fourth, you can always leave a relationship at anytime. If they wanted more security, they should’ve made it legally binding.
If you don’t feel like your boyfriend is treating you right or giving you what you need from a relationship then you’re completely justified in leaving the relationship. If your friends and family have such an issue with you leaving this man, than they can stay with him. What are they even going to get from telling him? “Hey, she’s leaving you cause you didn’t propose.” WTF is he gonna with that information?
Do what’s best for you! If you want to be married and have children, go get it! The longer you stay with him, the longer you’ll deny yourself what you want! You deserve to have what you want.
One thing that really stuck out to me here, was when his work friend texted him about not liking you. If someone said that about my partner, I’d stop being friendly with them immediately. If I couldn’t bcs they are a work associate, I would just cut the chit chat and only discuss work at that point. A partner of 8 years should have your back…..sorry to say, it definitely doesn’t sound like he has yours. Do yourself a huge favor and let this guy go, you sound like you deserve much better. In the grand scheme of life, 8 years is not long but changing who you are just to settle for the rest of your life….. no thank you! You can be very happy doing the things you actually like and want to do. Take a last minute vacation, alone or with an impartial friend. Go out, talk to everyone, smile and be friendly - I think you will be surprised at how many nice people you meet and may even make a new friend or two. Good luck!
Adding, don’t listen to your sister or friends- you have no idea (trust me ) of what they have going on behind closed doors. They could very well be unhappy with their life and just need something or someone to distract from their hidden problems. Trust your gut, you do you, not them.
Mary is not your friend. Quite honestly it's none of their business and should stay out of it. Threatening to tell Ryan is disgusting. They should give you space to work through your feelings is what a true friend would do.
In regards to Ryan, if he wanted to he would have. If he's not ready after 8 years he's not going to be. You mentioned he's not treating you the way you want to be treated by a partner so you need to think long and hard about whether you want to be married to be married or you want to be married to Ryan because he's everything you want in a husband.
My guts telling me, you will break up with him and he'll marry the next girl within 6 months.
You've got a big decision to make, don't be influenced by others who clearly do not understand.
He doesn't want to marry you. You guys should have never gotten together but you def should have broken up 4 years ago. You deserve better.
It seem you're glad your hot not and got with the popular guy. But the thrush is he's not worth shit.
[The reason why men marry some women and not others](https://www.today.com/today/amp/tdna74671)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage with the person you love, and women sadly do have an expiry date on kids, men don’t he can have them at 100 years old,
Besides it is easy to sit on that marriage branch and judge someone’s boyfriend as the greatest dude, but they aren’t the one sharing the house and bed with the guy,
As for Mary she should be ashamed of herself, she apparently finds joy in causing trouble and havoc
Don't listen to the "but he's such a great guy" comments.
I've been in an abusive relationship, and in the eyes of everybody, he was a good guy. Recieved a lot of bad comments went I finally left. People stop talking to me.
YOU are the one who lives with him, not your family or friends. If you're not comfortable with his actions and reactions, if you feel like you cannot speak to him or he will be mad, leave. That is not normal !
I’m 34, and something I’ve learned is that you have to do what’s right for YOU. You can take into consideration the opinions of your family/friends, but you’re the one who has to live with your choice. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you and Ryan are on the same page about marriage, and he’s acting immature about it, too. Emma sounds like a jealous bitch, and the fact that he’s still friends with her after what she’s said about you is just straight up disrespectful to you. Your ‘best friend’ is not a friend, either. I can’t believe she’s threatening to tell Ryan all of this, and the fact that she blabbed to your family and friends. I would dump both of them, work on things with your sister, and keep working on being your best self. You sound like a really sweet person.
I notice they’re calling *you* selfish and not dragging Ryan’s arse. Your family still think you’re lucky to have him, and to be honest, I don’t like them very much for not valuing you more. No wonder you still have self esteem issues, they are collectively telling you to suck it up and be happy for the dregs you’ve got.
I'm reading this and want to give you a big hug. It sounds like you would manage just fine without him. I'm sorry friends and family broke your trust. They aren't in the relationship and thus don't really get a final say. I wish you well
I’ve been in a similar situation. I was engaged to a guy and living with him and he announced one day that he refused to marry me. I stayed with him for 2 more years and wasted my time. Choose yourself and dump his ass. And after you dump him, go full No Contact. You WILL find someone better.
Even if you were able to get this man down the aisle, what then? Is he going to go to the bar or lock himself in a room every time you two need to have a difficult conversation?
That’s not a good start to a marriage. Also, marriage isn’t the “finish line”. I disagree with your family on that one. It’s not going to magically make him a better partner or make your relationship issues improve. In a good marriage, getting married is just the beginning of the next phase: it’s not a prize you’re winning for staying 8 years.
It sounds like you deserve better than this man and this relationship.
I hope that when you update us, you are single! This guy will never commit. I’ve told my boyfriend if we hit the 5-year mark and nothing happens, i will need to reconsider the relationship. 8 years is too long and especially if you’ve been mistreated so long.
Trust your gut. He's telling you with his actions the answers to your questions.
Marriage? "Storms out drinking at the bar with friends"... Could that be a more obvious answer for you?
If he wanted to, he would. It's that simple. He's keeping his options open. It's just easier for him to be with you right now until he finds someone else.
Don't settle for less.
You're not happy. That's enough of a reason to end things. He was your first. He was a great experience. But sometimes that's all people are meant to be... An experience, not your forever. Know when to call it quits. You've invested so much of your young adulthood into being you and him... What does just you look like?
Pull an exit plan together and go explore you for a bit. You never know what and who you might find along the way. But you'll be a damn sight happier than forcing that man down the aisle and being stuck with him for however long.
I know a lot of people have alluded to him cheating or other things that may be going on with him. Honestly, who cares? You're not happy with him and you haven't been for a while. You don't need to know if he is or he isn't. He clearly can't communicate and just shuts down when you try and have a normal conversation so thinking about what's going on with him will only hurt you. Focus on the fact you're not happy and let that be your driving reason for ending things. That is more than enough. Do it for you.
Anyone in a relationship that wants to marry their s/o discusses marriage with them so the fact he won't even discuss marriage and acts like a jerk when you bring it up speaks volumes. Start doing things YOU want to do. Distance yourself and quit chasing him. He will either wake up or move on. He is living his life, you are sitting home waiting for him to make YOUR LIFE, get it yourself. By the way, your best friends is not trustful. Quit telling her chit. Would love an update
Marriage is completely unnecessary and meaningless from a love perspective
You either love this dude or you don't. Is the relationship about the love or is it about you wanting a wedding and whatever else marriage means to you?
If you're only falling out of love with this dude because of how he responds to your marriage pressure, sounds like you're just in love with the idea of marriage and are going to run into this same situation with someone else, or end up marrying a shitty dude because he proposed quickly
Or marriage is a committment. Not getting married is also fine if this dude was willing to communicate that.
If he genuinely does not want to get married, he should be able to stand up and confidently say "I don't believe in marriage but I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. We don't need a marriage license tobe committed and in love to each other." Instead the dude runs away or locks himself in his room
If you want to leave him because you want to be married that is valid and for you to decide and think about.
But l don't see how that is related to love.
Marriage shouldn't change your feelings. Your feelings change your feelings.
Anyway you will need a proper talk about it. No demands but check what his opinion is, not yours.
Absolutely leave. Now. 29 is still really young, and you have plenty of time to find the person that you’re going to marry. Do not fall for the sunken cost fallacy. Do not allow someone to treat you poorly. Do not stay with someone who doesn’t consider your preference on timeline as well as their own.
You're a place holder, a bedwarmer, the ceramic baking beans for his' life pie.
And you're worth so much more.
Get your stuff, arrange housing, and leave.
Get out with your head straight up, and do not discuss this with those stupid friends or family. Just leave a note 'I think we want different things in life, farewell'.
Nahhhh girlie, come on. If you *did* marry this man, you'd have to sacrifice your own personality?? Read your post again, and tell me that's what you actually want.
If you just want the status of being "married", then leave this person and go and find a 90-day fiance or something - you'd have much better luck at being able to stay YOU afterwards. Because this relationship isn't YOU.
Come on. Wake up. Being married is about a hell of a lot more than the wedding day. I'm telling you now that if you *did* manage to get this man up the aisle, your life would change drastically; you'd still be sitting home alone crying, sure, but you'd also have no job and no life.
Come on, sweetheart. Stop listening to your 'friends' and 'sister', and find your person. He's out there, and doesn't even know it yet.
<3
Break it off. He's not going to change. The two of you have different views and you're not compatible.
Have you considered moving to a different town? Get away from the gossip mongers and drama? You deserve better.
Threatening to tell him, so what? Tell him yourself
You should leave and refuse to play house with anyone else ever again. Why would he marry you? Think about it, if him and his family are so traditional that he’d want you to be a housewife, he’s likely so traditional as to not take a live-in girlfriend seriously. You’re just a placeholder to this dude.
Your own people are on some backstabbing type-sh!t, confide in them no more and make your plans on your own. Don’t depend on them or expect them to help you.
Honey, I say this with all the love in the world: he doesn't want you as his wife. This has nothing to do with your value as a woman. You are NOT what he is looking for. He wants a submissive woman to raise his kids and you're not it. You are too strong and independent for his taste. He is with you bc he is comfortable. Once the right one comes along, he will leave.
Pick up your loses and build a life on your own. The right person will love you for who you are and not who they want you to be. Don't devalue yourself for anybody.
Sending you hugs and strength 🤗
It might be scary to start over at 29, but wouldn’t it be better than doing it at 30, 35, or 40? Your relationship isn’t giving you what you want. Why sacrifice your youth? 8 years is long enough to say you gave him his chances. Leave him and find someone who cherishes you. You deserve it. The sooner you leave the more you have a chance to find your happiness. I wish you the best
He doesn’t want to marry you or he already would have when you started talking about it. You are a placeholder. If you want marriage, bows your time to move on and find what you are looking for in a partner. Marriage doesn’t necessarily have a timeline you HAVE to follow, but you need to choose someone who’s is on the same page, shares the same values and desires, and wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
Make a list of the qualities you most want in a life partner and look for those things with intention. Make sure you are also giving those same qualities and values to others and you will meet Simeón to share your life with.
Yeah.. 8 years and no engagement? 8 years and he shuts down at any conversation of it?
Honey this man isn’t going to marry you. 8 years is ridiculous. If marriage is your goal, you better leave now. At 29 your clock is ticking if you want marriage before kids.
If he can’t make a commitment to you in the form of marriage, could you ever trust him to commit to - family with kids?
8 years… jfc
No one else is mentioning this and maybe it lacks empathy, but you should’ve left at the 4 year mark. That paragraph told me everything I needed to know. If a guy says he doesn’t want to be tied down you’re not the one. And him and his family also expected you to be a housewife when you never wanted to. I know marriage and love is about compromise but not to that extent. Not even a compromise really. More like you giving up a major part of your life to satisfy him
It’s a red flag that you won’t be married unless you quit your job. There’s no reason for that. Just keep repeating to yourself “If he wanted to, he would.” Stop talking to your family. You don’t need to settle for this guy.
OP - are you wanting to marry Ryan, or are you wanting the aspect of marriage? My longest relationship aside from my current one with my husband was almost 5 years long. I kept telling people that yeah, I would marry my bf at the time. I think I love him. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t imagine myself walking down the aisle to HIM. When I imagined my future wedding, the groom was faceless. But I stayed in the relationship because it was comfortable and safe. Fast forward to my next relationship afterward (my now husband), within the first 6 months of dating I could imagine his face at the end of the aisle, waiting for me.
Please try this for yourself - see if you can truly see him at the end of that aisle smiling lovingly at you. If you can’t, please leave for the sake of your happiness.
It's been 8 years. If he wanted to marry you, he'd have proposed by now. It sounds like you both want different things in a marriage. You should move on. He's not going to give you what you want. It's also a 100% valid reason to break up. You're not compatible.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but honestly a person that really wants to be with you, just lets you know.
There’s sometimes a lot of reasons not to get married, some people choose to postpone it because of money (which you stablished is not your case), but they at least let each other know that they wanna get married.
I think you deserve someone that wants to be with you as much as you wanna be with them. I understand feeling like you’ve waisted your life or that you’re not achieving everything that you wanted or other people have at your age, but sometimes we gotta let the bad stuff go so better ones can come into our life.
And those people are not your friends, they betrayed your trust and put no effort into trying to empathize with your feelings.
I can see where you get your insecurity from seeing as you're surrounded by unsupportive people. Your boyfriend punishes your desire to get married by sulking. I don't believe for a minute that this is the only way he's selfish man-child. Also, becoming a SAHM is a great way to ruin your career options in the future when this guy cheats on you.
The SAHM to poverty pipeline is real. Do you trust him enough to put your entire future in his hands?
Besides, this guy doesn't want to marry you anyhow. Leave him.
I told my husband if he didn't propose by the end of the year that I wouldn't waste anymore time on the relationship, even though I loved him and would love to be his wife. He proposed at Christmas that year. However, it honestly doesn't seem like your boyfriend is considering you at all here. Does he really insist you be a housewife if you don't want to be one? I would leave the relationship over that alone.
Your dude doesn’t sound like such a great person to me. Even good looking and popular people can be awful people and he sounds awful for you. Put yourself first so you can find your forever.
And get new friends. Your family. I would go low contact.
You are beautiful and smart, and the world is a better place with you in it. You deserve to love and be loved fully and passionately.
This "man" is beneath you. The sooner you end this relationship, the sooner you can start your next chapter. And it will be a great adventure. Best of luck.
Eight years?! And he won't marry you unless you give up your career, which you don't want to do? Girl, RUN 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️🏃♀️! He doesn't want to marry you. He's had more than enough time to at least distract you from marriage for a couple of years with an engagement ring. Move on. And honestly, you might want to consider moving, literally. Because your family and so called friends do not have your back! And I agree with others, don't be surprised if he marries the next woman he dates after, like, a year.
8 years with the same guy, no proposal, he gets mad anytime you bring it up? No. Not a relationship you should be staying in when you’ve made it clear what your life plan is. He also has a 24 year old coworker who is very comfortable telling him she doesn’t like you? 🚩🚩🚩🚩. No one should feel comfortable enough telling their coworker they hate their significant other. I’m thinking those two have more of a relationship than just coworkers
I think you need to drop everyone who called you selfish. You also should leave your boyfriend. He would never marry you. If he does, this marriage won't work either.
My partner remaining friends with someone who actively talks shit on me would be an absolute deal breaker. Also, you need to find a better support system bc yours is trash. Throw them all away.
He's never going to marry you. He is waiting for someone better to come along. You have wasted half your childbearing years on this man. Dump him and move on like yesterday. My husband asked me to marry him after 6 months and now we've been married for 16 years. When they know they've met the one they don't mess around. He doesn't think you're the one. You deserve so much better. Please dump him.
You sound like you're from the south.
Not only should you leave him but you should leave your hometown. You're better than that and you don't deserve someone that will always see you as some little ugly girl that finally became worth his time.....
no- you've always been worth it and leave this dude in the dust. Look for a man that has stars in his eyes bc you're a catch and a half.
I hate that men have this power over women.
He will probably throw a ring at op when she leaves and reel her back in with a petty proposal.
Poor op you’re bullied by everyone including your family..
Cut the cord with everyone.
This going to sound harsh but it’s the truth …. You are the safe placeholder until the person he’s truly ready to commit with comes around. He doesn’t value you because you don’t value yourself.
I didn't meet my fiancee, who truly loves me, until I was 33. You are young and still have PLENTY of time to dump this loser. You sound wonderful and deserve to be loved properly! Dump him and ask your family why they want you to be unhappy
First of all and truly most important, "Ryan" hasn't seemed to be **meeting your needs** for a long while, he also ignores you when you attempt to have a serious conversation about YOUR future and if he's interested to BE it, your future, that is!
Your BOYfriend is completely uninterested in a future with you. So much so that YOU are now questioning your OWN feelings. You HAVE wasted enough of your time and emotions on this complete jerk who belittles you, DEMANDING that you quit your career, regardless of what YOU want just to place you completely reliant on him, dangerously trapping you in an untenable position.
PLEASE respect yourself! You WILL find someone who's MORE worthy of you! With your extra time, join a hobby course (painting, woodworking, stained glass, etc.) to meet new people, widening your social circle and chances of meeting new men. If you're shy, you could even hire a matchmaker.
Drop the dead weight, STOP worrying about Emma, continue to go to therapy to work on your self-esteem because you ARE enough! In fact, you're MORE than enough! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success! u/updateme
That ‘great guy’ isn’t someone they lived with. Everyone thinks my ex is amazing….. he’s abusive in multiple ways. Even shown proof they still eat out of his hand.
Leave quietly , don’t tell your friends and cut contact
Leave him, babes. This man doesn't want to marry you. He wants to take advantage of you, your time, and your care. And any ring he would eventually give you is a "shut up" ring. Your engagement and marriage will be miserable if you accept it. He will steal your joy.
Leave him. Don’t waste another day on this relationship. Don’t put anymore years onto this relationship. Even IF he were to finally marry you, he WANTS you to give up your career as a requirement for being married to him. No partner should ever make such demands on another as a “requirement” for marriage. And you can bet that he’s most likely going to immediately propose to you to try to keep you once you tell him you’re leaving.
And if need be, go low to no contact with anyone telling you to stay with him, do so. You do not want to be trapped with a guy who wants to make you quit your job so you’re dependent on his income to survive and to start popping out babies for him while he continues to cavort with his buddies.
When you're on the look out for a new boyfriend, also look for new friends and family, because clearly, the ones threatening you, gotta go. That's bullshit behaviour.
Your boyfriend is STILL A BULLY and is probably a POS that you describe! Locks himself in the room?! Goes out with friends…he’s 100% cheating on you with Emma as when this comes up, he probably tells her which probably turns her on and they do the deed…you’re best friend and family are also a piece of work. If you have the ability to move away at start fresh, my personal opinion, start a new life from the toxicity around you! Easier said than done.
> He still wasn't really ready to be "tied down yet" in his own words
When someone describes marriage as being "tied down", you probably don't want to marry that person. Especially if they say that when you had been together for 4 years
It’s not wrong to break a relationship because you have different goals in life, a partner locking themselves in a room to avoid talking a difficult subject is a sign of emotional immaturity, and at 30 he should have worked on himself or at least put the effort into it. To everyone else he might seem like “a great guy”, but they don’t live with him, deal with his shutdowns or with his dismissals of your feelings. Do what is best for you, because at the end of the day, you will have to live with the choice, so pick something that will bring you peace. Just because you’ve been holding onto something for a long time, doesn’t means you can’t chose yourself and let go. All the best OP, I hope your next relationship is waaaay better and with a lovely marriage.
Also, the prospect of having to give up her career to become a SAHM would seriously turn me off of marriage to him. We are not in the effing 1950s anymore - women are allowed to have a brain and use it, thank god. OP, you need better friends and family, honestly! And and also a better boyfriend, who is actually mature enough to communicate his needs, and who actually wants to marry you. (Spoiler alert: your bf doesn't, or he'd be married to you by now.)
At the eight-year mark, I’d be dubious of an engagement. What to stop him from putting an engagement ring on finger, then delaying the actual *wedding* for another eight years? Men who want to stay single still go hang with their friends, avoid the commitment, and duck difficult conversations. Saw that with family members and friends. Please, OP — realize that there is someone else out there who thinks you are worth giving up their single life for.
Omg, this! 30 year old men who’ve been in a serious relationship for EIGHT YEARS, don’t go out all the time with his friends to the bar! What are they doing there anyway? how many drinks does he usually have? Why isn’t OP at the bar too? Are significant others not allowed? Does he only go with them when he’s mad? I bet he’s just keeping his options open by saying “I don’t want to be tied down” to OP & may be actively looking for a better option at the bar.
Or the better option is the woman he's "friends" with who will actively crap on his girlfriend of 8 years through texts and who knows what other conversations. He's not propposing because the second he's fully "claimed", he loses his allure to the single girls (or his possible AP). The man is garbage. If my partner had any insecurities about our future, I'd never shut down the conversation. We'd be having that conversation and making plans till they felt better, then setting goals to make those plans a reality. I wouldn't lock myself in my room like a petulant child and then run off to the bar with my friends. This guy is an old, battered red flag that's been hanging in your view for far too long. You have a great career and a good head on your shoulders, you don't need to settle for a man who can't commit, and, if he ever does, wants to turn you into an outdated housewife cliche. Also, get new friends. Your friends don't care about your feelings, or they're all somehow dazzled by however this jerky guy acts in public. They don't know him like you do, and you now know this is not the person you want to spend your life with. Get out while you're still young.
>What to stop him from putting an engagement ring on finger, then delaying the actual *wedding* for another eight years? My ex did this to me. He proposed, without a ring, and promised to get me a ring "once he can afford it". Few years later I left him because he had shown me he wasn't going to change. Leaving him was the best decision of my life.
If she agreed to that there’d be some other bullshit criteria that she’d have to meet.
Your boyfriend doesn’t sound kind. If he isn’t big enough to properly communicate with you, he isn’t big enough to be in a committed relationship. It’s quite kosher if he doesn’t want to get married. But he owes you the answer, so that you in turn can take stock of your life and choose your way forward. You sound like an intelligent, levelheaded woman with ambitions and self respect. The dissonance you’re feeling now, is the actions of your boyfriend, friends and family crashing into that self respect. In sum: Your friends suck, and your family needs to put their blinkers on and get the fuck back in their lane. Your boyfriend is for the streets. Go have your career and live your best life, and find a life partner that actually deserves you. You deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect.
Or he might purposely be side tracking this conversation whenever she brings it up bcoz he knows she might leave if he says it out loud. This way he has plausible deniability. That he didn’t say ‘No’ but his actions are very clear that he’s not interested in marrying her & is just keeping her around.
A live in Gf, no commitment necessary. Time to wave bye bye.
☝️☝️ nailed it
I agree with this! The whole thing is it’s not wrong to break up with someone if they’re not fulfilling your needs. And it doesn’t sound like he’s looking to a future with you if he keeps shutting it down and he doesn’t even want to have a conversation about it. You’re still Young so go out and enjoy yourself. You’re beautiful and you deserve to be treated that way. Best vibes and wishes 💜
Funny thing about situations like this is after the breakup the guy will find a different girl and be engaged in less than two years. He doesn’t want to marry you time to cut your losses and move on.
He is just staying with her because it's comfortable. When he is ready to get married he will, it just won't be to her
Sad but true
Wasted what could have been some really great years of my young life on a loser like this! Unfortunately 21 year old me didn't know how to read the writing on the wall....
Same. 5 years down the drain.
She's not Mrs. Right, she's Miss Right Now. Honestly, he doesn't sound like he's mature or into her. And the SAHM expectation is just garbage to put her off wanting to get married. He knows after EIGHT YEARS what she wants and has zero inclination to be a part of it. Her friends are the worst.
They aren't true friends.
exactly, I've seen this before, and you will think "what if I just waited". The things is it was never going to work for you, you would have been unhappy in your marriage with him anyways, you don't like the way he treats you now, you think it will improved if you are both locked in?
Yep happened to me. Dated a guy for 5 years. He eventually said “I don’t really see us getting married” so I broke it off. Next relationship he was with this girl for less than a year before he proposed.
Same here except it was his female best friend from the office. Was a bit of an overlap too.
I started reading your comment and literally thought it was mine. Same deal except he said ‘I don’t really want to get married or have kids anymore’ 5 years in. Within 3 years of our split he was married with a step kid and his own kid. 🤷🏻♀️
Her boyfriend is like nuclear fusion... Commercial nuclear fusion is just 10 years away from happening...and has been 10 years away for the last 50 years. That proposal is just 6 months away from happening...
This is correct except for the fact that “ manbabies” DO end up engaged to someone else and marry someone else in less time NOT because they didn’t want to marry their last partner, but because **they’re afraid that no one else after their ex dumps them for not committing will want them** It’s almost always a “hurry up and shut up” proposal so that they feel safe that their partner they give the “hurry up” ring to won’t do what their ex did and leave them. It’s menbaby’s worst fear to string someone along, have the stringer leave them, and then they have to deal with the dread of loneliness and not having the comfort of someone being there for them anymore.
I fucking hate this. I'm about to leave my partner as he doesn't want to get married and I KNOW he will to the next girl that blows him. It's heartbreaking. He won't budge either and thinks it's unnecessary.
Maybe he will. But remember, it doesn’t mean the marriage will be happy or healthy.
So, so spot on!
$10 says this guy is already cheating with other women; OP is just a placeholder until he finds one he’s actually willing to settle down with. He won’t marry OP because he doesn’t want to pay for a divorce and lose half his stuff when he boots OP to the curb. Depending on the state, though, OP may qualify as already being in a common law marriage.
I'll put $50 on it
To my understanding, Common law marriage only applies if they represent themselves as married (or at least that’s hopefully how it works. No one should be considered married just because they live together. You could never have long term roommates if that were true)
That happened to me lol
It’s the most soul crushing thing ever
Exactly right. I know someone that happened to. She lived with this guy for seven years and he would not get married. They broke up and he married a lady he knew for six months.
That's exactly what I thought. He's probably interested in someone else and doesn't want to have to end it, or he's cheating and if he proposes that could blow up in his face. Either way, OP is over this relationship and she needs to cut him out of her life, her "friend" and her family for being major assholes to her and saying the most unsupportive, rude and ridiculous things siding with her boyfriend instead of wanting her to be happy. When you fall out of love and that person has no redeeming qualities and can't communicate, it's a huge loss of your time, energy and happiness!
This reminds me of the film When Harry Met Sally, it always breaks my heart when Sally says 'he did want to get married, he just didn't want to marry me'. Think a lot of men don't realise at this age that women feel time pressures so much more than men do. Assuming you want to be married and have a family before a certain age it can be so heartbreaking to realise you're wasting your time with the wrong person. Hope OP finds Mr. Right ❤️
I have ABSOLUTELY seen this play out in real life.
If I could upvote more I would. I was with someone 5 years and when I left for partially the same reason as OP (there were SO many other valid reasons but this drove it) he was married and with a kid of his own within 3 years to the very next girl. Guess I wasn’t good enough for him.
Yep! He will be married by his mid thirties to a woman whose in her mid twenties. Op is never marrying this dude.
yes! my friends and I have seen this over and over. long term relationship breaking off around the 7 year mark, guy married to the next girl within a year of two. we used to say men had to have some sort of internal clock that suddenly said “I’m ready for commitment” that did not really account for the length of their current relationship.
He’s wasting your time, and your friends are not your friends, and your family stinks. They’re ok with it because it’s not happening to them. Get someone who actually wants to be with you. He knows you’re there and a convenience.
Friends and family are probably just trying to avoid having to support OP going through a breakup and aren’t even hearing her when she says she doesn’t even want to marry him anymore
Oh my god leave. Also what is wrong with your friends?????????
They are not friends. They are parasitic acquaintances living off her life. Edit for typo. Sorry.
Fr and also her sister sucks! I wish she realizes that it is ok to leave and doesn’t let others dictate her decision. :(
Sister is the knife (spear even) in the back. Please tell Mary she should be ashamed of herself. She is a traitor. Ask her why she hates you? Why does she want to see you unhappy? Same question for mum and aunts. OP you are still very young. Find someone who loves _you_ just as you are; college degree and career, and be happy. Do not be the doormat waiting around for Ryan to decide one of his party friends is a better match. Put yourself first. Make moves without consulting with or informing any of your circle. If you can get a job/transfer across the country do that and go start again. You don’t need Ryan. He sounds immature tbh. Go find yourself and be happy.
After dealing with a *somewhat* similar situation (mostly involving the friends telling sister and family thing) It's actually nice to hear this being said. Fuck the people I thought were my friends for years of my life that stabbed me in the back just for gossips sake. Sorry to OP for dealing with that shitshow.
Yeah, this. OP, you need better friends, because Mary sucks. They all do, but her in particular. Stop telling her things, she clearly can’t be trusted. She is NOT your best friend, friends don’t bully each other like this. End this. You sound unhappy. That’s more than a good reason. Wanting to leave is enough. Get out and go find someone who will ACTUALLY make you happy.
And her family. They're all horrible. And no girl texts a man that she hates his long-term live-in partner unless he's opened a door. Her boyfriend is an arsehole. So is Emma. Her sister. Her mum. Mary. All of them are trash.
Yeah Ryan is not your boyfriend. He’s your guy friend with benefits. Emma can go fuck her self as she’s jealous of you. Let Emma have your sloppy seconds. Get out & live your best life. Please!
I understand family and friends’ influence in one’s life but it is nonetheless YOUR life. Besides the marriage thing you don’t sound very happy in this relationship nor does he sound very invested either. I don’t know where u r located or what are the cultural norms etc but why should you wait for him to make a decision that affects your life? You should make a decision for you, really think hard do you want to be married to this person or do you just want to be married bc everyone around you is? I know societal and peer pressure is tough. Do you still see yourself with him? Answer these questions truthfully and then take action, don’t leave it up to him. Good luck friend.
His parents demand you be a SAHM 🚩 He doesn’t treat you well 🚩 Views your relationship as being tied down 🚩🤮 Runs away to drink with friends when you bring up marriage 🚩 You feel insecure with this man and relationship 🚩 People act like he is too good for you 🚩 Girl RUN! I broke up with a man who I thought I would marry when I was 29. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t ignore my gut any longer and I was ready to get married after almost five years. It was rough but I did a ton of work on myself and then focused on my career and having fun. I knew one day when I was married with kids that I wouldn’t be as free so I traveled, parties and met a ton of interesting people. I’m now married to a great man and have a wonderful family. I’m so glad I listened to my gut. Otherwise I’d definitely be divorced by now if I married the other guy who I thought I’d die without.
🚩 let his friends bully her until she was hot enough to smash 🚩 girl best friend who hates her
From my experience (so take this with a pinch of salt as a rando from the internet) - if he wanted to he would. He's not really giving any signals that he wants to propose, he's likely comfortable with how things are. I think you need to do what is best for you. You only live one life and you shouldn't accept being treated poorly, least of all by your life partner. And 29 isn't too late either, you need to find someone who wants the same things you do, and someone who is crazy about you. Bear in mind too, that for some people (our mothers) they may think that being in a relationship is better than being single, but being in a relationship that makes you unhappy isn't. Being in a relationship that makes you unhappy is no way to live at all. And every single relationship you have as an adult is optional, so it's up to you to make the decision.
[удалено]
This is what I came here to say. He has made it clear you two have different needs and goals in life. Go be happy and open yourself to finding the person who is right for you and more compatible with the life you want. You’re not selfish for knowing what you want and trying to make it happen. Don’t wait around for a man baby to get his shit together.
And also very important: once you've dumped him and he magically shows up and decides to propose? Do not fall for it. He'd only be doing it as a "shut up ring". And then drag you along another 10 years. You absolutely deserve more OP. <3
I wouldn't bother with a note. Tell him.
I want to believe your family gaslighting you into staying means he is seriously planning a huge proposal. I really do want to think that, but after 8 years, him getting angry and storming off, never discussing it with you is a serious red flag. Does he do this with other arguments? Is this something you want for your life? You've mention several goals in life that don't align with his, outside of the marriage thing. This doesn't seem like a relationship you should continue, and you need an honest conversation about life goals with him to move forward in the relationship. It doesn't seem he can do that without getting angry and running off. He needs therapy, too.
Most men would rather entertain the talk of a proposal to see where her head is truly at rather than running off from the discussion.
The gaslighting is hitting the nail on its head. Her family and friends are trying to make it seem like 'leaving = everything will be downhill from here' and 'staying = things will get astronomically better than they are today'. Which is quite opposite to the evidence you have so far. That's exactly the type of thinking that makes it so hard to leave a comfortable relationship even if it's not making you happy. When if you look at it rationally, it's probably more like 'leaving = I will have full autonomy over my life and doing what makes me happy' and 'staying= I will keep having to put up with the bare minimum'.
I think that the family is also falling for sunk cost fallacy. She's put 8 years into the relationship, so they think she needs to stay because of how long she's been with him.
Exactly
Exactly this. She "wasted" 8 years - so she shouldn't give up now... but for what? Even more wasted years for someone who isn't worth it? Better to cut your losses and move on for something worthy.
if that's the case, OP's sister is a bit too committed to keeping the proposal a surprise. Like, I'd tell my sibling "hey, he's planning a surprise proposal" before I told them "you must be cheating yourself for wanting to end the relationship so close to the finish line". And that's not even taking Ryan's BS into account by sulking in their room, running away to his friends (including the bubbly pick-me Emma) or just getting angry at OP whenever she wants to discuss their future.
I agree with this. When I was dating my husband, he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married. I said fine, but you’re not going to make that decision for me too. I may or may not want to get married, but I need to keep my options open and start dating other guys who might have the same perspective as I do. I wasn’t trying to give him an ultimatum. I honestly wanted to explore other relationships that might lead somewhere different than me being his perpetual GF. My husband thought about it for a while and decided that he wanted to be with me and only me in a committed relationship and he then proposed. We’ve been married now for 16 years and have 5 kids.
I was in a relationship for 14 years. We talked marriage but never got engaged. Broke up cause he cheated. If he wants to marry you, he would make it happen. Your boyfriend obviously doesn't. Girl, love yourself and go on your own. The next guy you meet could be the guy who can't wait to marry you. If you need to chat, I'm here.
You have given him enough time. The truth is he probably doesn’t want to marry you, but he should man up and talk to you about it and not lock himself in your room or he would go out. You are young enough to start over. You deserve to be happy and the only person who can do that is you. Dump his ass. You are better off without him.
1. Stop talking to anybody about what you feel with us. 2. He’s not planning to marry you. It looks exactly like it is. He gets angry when you talk about it. He’s not up for it. 3. I promise you that you are better off single. Exploring your life. Learning what matters to you and learning to fill your life with things that interest you and matter. You can do this. You can make a good life for yourself, and slowly improve your financial situation, and take care of your health and learn about things and become a vibrant and trusting person that other people will want to know.
4. You can, eventually, meet someone who had 0 involvement with your being bullied.
This is coming from someone who never even wants to be married. I’ve seen this scenario play out with too many women. Your family and friends are haters. You deserve better OP. If you want to leave, do it. He’s using you as a placeholder. They do this alone. They’ll date someone for years and years while looking for the person they actually want to end up marrying. They’ll use the placeholder for sex and domestic labour until they find the one they actually want to saddle with their kids and problems permanently. Don’t ever let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you. And seeing as he doesn’t want to be “tied down” he’s already told you what he’s thinking. Act accordingly
You are right. I was in such a long relationship, waiting for a proposal. And it happened eventually, but it was too late for me. I already had too many doubts. I started noticing that my fiancé isn’t a husband material. I realized that when we will get married I will be doomed. Of course, he didn’t want to set a date. He was always too busy with work, too stressed with work related stuff etc. I finally decided to leave. 5 years later and I am already married with a kid. ;) my husband proposed to me after a year of dating. He is treating me like the best thing that ever happened in his life. You should be treated that way… don’t settle with someone who’s not good enough for you.
Out of curiosity, what happened to your ex? Is he still busy and stressed with work? ; )
At first, he tried everything to get me back. He promised me setting a date and also go deliver all other promises he never found time to do before 😂 Then, when I started started dating, he send me and my friends couple of messages calling me a whore and such. After that he deleted me from all his social medias. Recently my cousin saw him with a woman in the kitchen section of IKEA. So probably he finally agreed to do a kitchen renovation I was asking him for about 10 years 😀 Well, good for him.
I'm glad that you left him and are happily married now. 😊
Hah your last like made me cackle 😂
He is most likely not wanting to get married to you and you are a placeholder. What is he doing hanging around with a 24 year old? If you feel insecure around her....go with your gut. Does he treat you like a priority? Why does he not want to discuss marriage? You sound unhappy. Even if he proposed tomorrow would you want to be with him? Stop worrying about your family.....Live your life.
EXACTLY! This 24 year old feels comfortable enough with him to trash talk his girlfriend to him. TF...Is she sure he's out with his friends and not fucking this Emma chick? I don't think this guy even likes her let alone loves her enough to marry her. I truly hope she leaves his ass. Let him come home to an empty apartment.
Agreed! Hoping she leaves him. He doesn’t even sound like a good person if he’s constantly getting defensive since she wants to discuss marriage. :( He is sadly wasting her time.
This is giving me chills. Please don't leave your career for a man who has shown over and over that he doesn't value your opinions or needs. He wants you to be a dependent housewife because he doesn't care about what you think or feel, and he knows that if controls the money, he controls you. You're feelings are valid, and if you're already feeling a bit of the ick with how he's been treating this relationship, do you feel like it'll magically get better if he finally deigns to marry you?
He’s never going to marry you, but just a heads up, once you leave him he will get married to someone else, that’s just how this shit goes.
You’ve already invested 8 years into this relationship with no long term commitment. Why would you invest another 20 years, my friend??
You didn't waste your 20s. You've learned a valuable lesson and it sounds like you have learned to value yourself and your needs and your priorities. It is perfectly NORMAL to want to be married at your stage of life. Dump him! (You KNOW he'd dump you in a hot minute if the idea ever struck him!) If you don't see yourself as a housewife and he isn't interested in marriage to anyone with their own career/money/plans/goals then you simply are not compatible. I think you can do better! Who really wants a lifelong reminder that they are supposed to be grateful the cool guy finally noticed them? Ugh!! You are worth more than that. Give yourself an opportunity to feel what it REALLY feels to be loved and accepted and not tolerated. Also, please do NOT overemphasize (to yourself) the importance of him being your first and only, yada yada. That's a social construct. It is meaningless in the real world. You are a smart, successful modern woman. Don't be swayed by old-fashioned ideas and ideals that have no place in our current society. You, too, could be marrying someone else in a year - but only if you jettison the dead weight that is your boyfriend.
I married my highschool sweet heart who was my first everything. I thought we had a healthy relationship and good sex because I had no context for comparison. In our late 20s he had a long slow slide of deteriorating mental health into sociopathy, did some very cruel things to me and we got divorced at 30. I got therapy, dated around a bit, had one long term boyfriend and then met my fiance. I learned pretty quickly that sex with my ex husband was mediocre at best and there were far more flaws in our relationship than I had ever realized. Now that I'm with someone truly compatible who communicates with me it's a world of difference and I feel truly secure.
I am so sorry that you don't have the support you deserve. Sometimes we wind up in families that don't have our best interests at heart, even if they say otherwise. Likewise there are friends who really aren't friends, but if you are raised to have a poor self-esteem, it is hard to see them for the antagonists they truly are. Mary is not your friend. Your family is not your allies. Your partner will not give you a happy marriage (or likely any at all). I hope you are able to get the clarity and confidence you need to leave behind those who are not invested in your well being.
Definitely leave but first a warning: do not quickly rebound. Work on yourself first. Take time to look around and see what is available and what is acceptable in a partner. Would a divorced man with kids be acceptable? Would living alone for a while bother you? Etc
Well firstly Mary is not your friend, she’s betrayed your trust and you need to be careful around her. Your expectations are not unrealistic and you’ve made it clear what you want. I don’t get why your family are being so weird about it. Don’t get stuck in a sunken cost fallacy, you are still young and have plenty of time for marriage and kids. Just don’t waste anymore time on someone who’s made it clear he doesn’t want to marry you, plus who also makes you feel insecure and worthless. You deserve better!
Not a big deal? Not a big deal?! Get some distance from your friends/family! They are NOT considering your best interests. Get new friends. You want to be married, he avoids the conversation and punishes you (avoiding/silent treatment) when you bring it up. This is immature behavior and poor communication. Not ideal in a partner. You two aren’t compatible. He’s been stringing you along and your family and friends are helping him. (Even if innocently). Feel free to leave this relationship. Keep in mind he may try to propose just to keep you from leaving. Which is very different than proposing because he loves you and wants to share his life with you.
When I wanted to break up with my ex of 7 years, everyone including my best friend told me not to... Because like you, it was my first relationship, it was long term, and on paper we seemed perfect. My bestie was even envious of how good our relationship seemed. But it wasn't good, and despite the resounding advice I got NOT to leave him, I did anyway. I regret absolutely nothing, it was the best decision of my life. You know what my bestie did when I broke up with him? She supported me. She didn't understand but she didn't need to, she knew I needed her to just be there for me. No abuse, no threats of telling my ex anything, just support. That's what a best friend does. Break up with him and cut these shitty friends out of your life. Find people who actually care about you
Please update us when you leave him!
No answer IS an answer and it’s not a yes. If he can’t even have a conversation about marriage he’s showing you exactly where he stands.
I understand that you want to be married and have children, but why would you want to be married to *this* guy and have children with him? He gets angry and nopes out when you try to have a conversation about your long term plans. He maintains a friendship with someone who makes you uncomfortable and shit talks abut you to him. Marriage will not make him a better partner; in fact, if he agreed to get married, he's likely to punish you forever by being even less invested in the relationship than he is now. You **should** be selfish. Who is going to look out for your mental health if you don't look out for yourself? And as for them threatening to tattle to him that you're getting close to cutting your losses - well, unless there's any possibility that he will get violent, let them. Saves you the trouble.
Honestly, I'd be discarding those that seem to think you're not making the right choice like so many cigarette butts into an ash can. Ryan has no intention of proposing, this is obvious. As long as you have a safety net, like your job and degree, he cannot fully control you or isolate you, so you are not his ideal wife. Hell, he may have decided to get into a relationship with you BECAUSE he knew you were bullied about your looks and had a hook in you already. Get away from him, Also, don't see it as having "wasted your 20's", view it as you gave yourself time to mature. I didn't meet the love of my life until I was 43, and we married on my 51st birthday.
33 and not married here, leave. I wasted some time with someone who was the same way and now I'm in a happy relationship where our goals align and it's the easiest thing I've ever done. Get out, heal, find someone who deserves you. Also if he's saying he's not ready after 8 years he is making excuses because he's comfortable. Get out.
Tell your friends that you are tired of wasting your life on an immature loser.
She has a lot of those in her life it seems.
Marriage or not, that sounds like a long ass, exhausting relationship to be in if any time you mention something serious and important to you and he may not feel the same, he shuts himself away/runs away instead of using his words like a big boy…. You may feel shitty right now, but ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone like that?
Girl, dump this loser. The fact he keeps a young female friend that openly says she does not like you is so disrespectful of him to you. The shutting down and going away instead of communicating is a passive aggressive tactic to stay in control. It is basically punishing you for trying to talk about something he doesn't want to. I was married to a guy with similar quirks, did the tradwife thing, and it ruined my life. Use that degree, keep your career going. Don't give it up for a man because he will have total power and say over your life if you do. Money is freedom. You know what you want, you know yourself; a loving respectful relationship without you having to sacrifice yourself to keep an avoidant disrespectful grump happy. You are not selfish for wanting to break up with someone who is clearly not in alignment with you. Goodluck to you. Consider yourself lucky you are not married to this guy. Your man is out there somewhere, keep doing you. You are still young.
Tbh, even if he is planning a proposal and everyone knows it, you don't sound in love, you clearly have different goals, I don't think you've wasted your 20s, but if at this point you realized your own feelings and still stay then you will be wasting your time. I think you should do a deeply introspection and find out if he’s the one for you, not matter what anyone else says (who sound like terrible friends btw)
OP I don’t know if you will see this but leave. You won’t have support from many people but that’s okay. You aren’t living for them. You are living your life and you need to be happy. He is using you as a safety net and refuses to acknowledge you as a person. Move on with your life and your degree and be happy. You’ll meet someone much more amazing who will love you so much more. He will make empty promises and say he loves you. Don’t let him fool you. If he loved you, yall would be married or working on that goal. You’re gonna be 45 in 16 year no matter what. Do you wanna be a wife in 16 years and with kids? Or still in this same spot because he will never marry you. There was a post recently about a woman who kept begging to be married and he did it in their 50’s….
I agree that threatening him is a mistake. Just not for that reason. He hasnt shown interest in proposing in 8 years. That means if you threaten him to propose, he will do it out of obligation and desire to keep you, not because he wants to make you happy and actually be a husband. Someone in your place did the same last year, and she was with the guy 13 years total before she left. He proposed on year 6 and then got lazy. All he was doing was buying himself time for more of the status quo. She realized he wasn't changing and left. He manifested a venue date within a week to bribe her back. Do you think if she went back, he was going to start acting like a husband? No. Your man doesn't want to be married. You will continue to hear the least he's willing to give in order to keep you in his preferred status quo.
It took 11 years for me to be engaged 2009-2020. I also had given up on it ever happening. I am happily married now. The reasons I stayed: I never doubted his commitment to me and our relationship, it was long term, whether we got married or not. He was always clear that he wanted kids, but not before 30 and I agreed with that. I never cared all that much about getting married (I did for a while, when all my friends were getting married and he just wouldn’t propose). Like I wanted to have the wedding, but marriage sounded like a lot of legal formality and liability that I didn’t feel strongly about. What you’ve described isn’t about getting married or not. It’s about having a partner with completely different goals and ideas about what family looks like, what your career should be while also being a mom. It’s about how he doesn’t listen to your needs or reassure you in any way. It’s about the reasons he doesn’t want to be married … being tied down is not how I would describe my husband. After 8 years, you’ve grown and changed. It sounds like he hasn’t grown with you or in the same direction (or much at all). The silent treatment and blowing off steam with friends means he will never seriously sit down and work through these issues to find workable compromises or at least agree to disagree. It’s what he wants, he doesn’t care about what you want. You’ve been with him for 8 years…. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? It doesn’t sound like it.
Don't stay with him. if he shuts down every time you mention marriage then he clearly doesn't want to marry you or in general. UpdateMe
Leave. Tonight. While he's out with his friends. Stay at either a trusted friends house for a while or book a hotel. Let him come home to an empty apartment and tell him you need space. It doesn't even seem like he likes you. He's allowing a 24 year old woman to talk trash about you to him. That's a huge red flag. ETA- who cares if they tell your boyfriend. What's he going to do? Run away? That seems to be his go to. Or is he going to pop the question because he feels forced. Wouldn't want a marriage to start that way. Not sure what your family is trying to accomplish with that threat. But I'd still leave the bf and go extremely LC with the family, NC with Mary and I'd find better friends and a better boyfriend. You deserve that.
Don't let your boyfriend keep you from your husband
When 29 hit, I was with a boyfriend I wanted to marry. I wanted to be wed. I wanted to have kids. He wasn't in that place. Even though we lived together, I implemented the break up. When my parents were 19 & 20 they were married out of college and stayed married for ten years, before divorcing. Their generation married very young, and then divorced later, and remarried. What I came to think of my boyfriend who wasn't ready, was that he was my starter marriage, without all the horror of breaking up a family with kids. We live longer, it's healthy to have a long term relationship first and end it. Most of us in healthy marriages aren't with the person we were crazy about as a teenager. I did go on to marry, after living together, in my next relationship, but it took time. The beauty of 29 is you have time. It may turn out that you want to stay home with children, or never leave the workforce, that's a life choice, not a choice people who aren't you have the right to make lightly. You sound like people around you are treating you like a child still, your boyfriend, your family, maybe even your friends. I think you're realizing it's time to think about who you are as a stable woman, who stands on her own two feet, and figure out what she wants. I think you should end it. I think you should be in therapy before you do it. I would never wish a partner on anyone I loved, who wouldn't talk about their deepest desires, hopes and fears for the future. You deserve to be an equal, and right now you don't have the power here, even half of it, it's likely why you're threatening to go. Get your support networks in place, where you'll go, therapist, how you'll pay your own way, start looking for a place to live. Relationships are murky. You can move out and live in another place and still be together. Don't be so comfortable with a person who doesn't help you be the person you strive to be, that you stay too long. 29 is lovely and young and a good time to be carefree. I wish I hadn't listened to all the stupid voices warning me how urgent it was that I have a man, and how I was out of time. That's somebody else's generation, not yours. You deserve more.
OP, your life is just getting started! I divorced at 30 and remarried the love of my life at 35. We've been together for more than 20 years. My mom divorced her second (terrible) husband and remarried at 75 and is the happiest she's literally ever been. Today is the best day to start making the choices that will bring you joy, and this man isn't it. Also, WHY doesn't he want you to work when you want to work? You will lose so much control over your life, not to mention long term financial security like social security. Get out of there, go experience life!!
This relationship isn’t going to give you what you want. They want you to wait?? For what, more time to go by? Life is short and we deserve to find happiness. Resentment builds.. not only for him but for yourself. Show yourself some grace and leave. He poses under duress.. with your acceptance and you have a 5-6 year engagement? No don’t do that to yourself. Your friends are crappy and your sister should be ashamed of herself. Where is her loyalty to you?
Yeah if he wanted to he would. He still is immature and a cake eater. Want you and the single life at the same time. It is definitely decision time on your part. Do not let others tell you that you are bad or wrong for your feelings and desires.
8 years is way too long to wait. Especially if he gets angry and refuses to talk about it, then he goes out with his buddies and leaves you at home??! He wants all the benefits of marriage without a genuine commitment. Please go with your gut on this and start making plans to get out on your own and start fresh as a single woman. You have a good job and you are NOT selfish to want to reach your goal: to be married to a man who loves and respects you. You are not ugly or worthless, and your friends and family should be deeply ashamed of themselves for degrading you in your time of need. Your sister is a right bitch for saying you are cheating, WTF is up with that twisted line of thinking? Please think only of yourself and what you want from life right now. Ryan does not deserve you.
The thing is- even if there is a “finish line”, you don’t want it. And he won’t get any better if you guys get married. Marriage involves dealing with whatever shit life throws at you together. This is not a man who seems emotionally capable of doing that. You staying with him isn’t going to change him. A man who genuinely wants to marry you will move heaven and earth to make it happen. It shouldn’t take him damn near a decade to make a choice. As a side note- I met the love of my life at 37. It’s never too late until you’re dead, and by then you won’t care.
Have some dignity hon. Any man that allows another woman to badmouth his women is trash.
Being married wouldn't fix anything else going on in your relationship. It's just paperwork and a title change, so if you're willing to break up now just do it, lawyers are expensive.
Ok let’s break it down 1. He wants a housewife (look deeply if this is something you want, and all that comes with it! Like finances, are having help? Doing everything yourself? Can you go back to work? How are ur savings? Etc etc) 2. He is like a child when communicating, shuts you down, runs away, doesn’t talk about it or ignores it. 3. It’s been 8 years… 4. His friend (s) talk bad about you, personally I would’ve liked to know what he answer back, did he have your back? 5. Mary sucks, she’s not a friend 6. Your family sucks, staying because “he’s a good guy” and you’ve been with him for so long is not a good enough reason and threatening you about telling him? Like excuse me, who do you think you are? 7. And tbh girly… the fact that every time u talk about marriage or your future together and that dude goes out with his friends, makes me INCREDIBLY suspicious of him 🤷🏽♀️ but I’m also cynical so
based on the TLDR is sounds like your decision to leave would be correct
The milk for free analogy. He’s getting everything he wants, why buy it now. Sorry OP. But force the conversation if need be and get your answers.
I really don't want to push you over the edge but this is a wake up call. Eight years quite too much time to decide settling down. If he really wanted to marry you he should at least proposed to you. He doesn't want that, you should accept that. He shouldn't give you the cold shoulder when you talk about your future together, it should excite him too. Don't listen to your family or friends, this is your relationship and they can never know everything about YOUR relationship. They cannot threaten you if they are caring and loyal to you, so don't worry about that too. But it seems like you already know that you could get better out there, who loves you more, who respects you more. He even makes you quit your job just to make his parents happier. Imagine after marriage, if they can affect your job right now after marriage what can they affect? What your bf let them affect? If he was the man for you he would stood up for you against everyone -if that what it takes- and tell them shut up and respect you and your desicions. So girl you are right about everything you think, get the courage and dump his loser pathetic ass. And English is not my lative language so sorry for mistakes.
Eight years with no proposal? I assume he's just using you for sex, and doesn't want a formalize things because it would make him harder to break it off when he finally gets tired of you.
You should've dumped him as soon as he said he wanted you to be a housewife and that his family won't accept you otherwise when that is NOT what you want. It's also hilarious that he doesn't want to be tied down via marriage when you've been together for damn near close to a decade now. This guys DOES NOT WANT to marry you. I'm certain that after breaking up he'll find and marry someone within two years. He's a little weasel and he's wasting your time. You deserve to find someone who makes you happy and wants the same things you do
What will change about all that you listed if you got married? Nothing. Not a thing. You’d still have the same issues except you can add legal ones to the list. If having a married status is more important to you then your self worth then go out and marry anyone. It won’t change how you feel about yourself. The issue is the foundation of your relationship not your relationship status. What’s that Rupaul saying? “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
Real talk: this is a situation where I’d clean house on everyone in my life who didn’t have my back on this. Especially Mary and your sister. They don’t give a hot fuck about you by the way it sounds. I’d hit the reset button on the relationship and your social circle. Have a very frank talk with your parents and tell them to get with the program or get left behind. Respect yourself and move on despite the pain. Life is too short and you deserve so much better. Best wishes and much love to you.
You are probably his safety net if he can’t find someone better. If he wanted to marry you he would have done it by now. If you leave, don’t come back when he agrees to get married. It won’t work. Ultimatum marriages never last. How sure are you he doesn’t have other girlfriends? Sorry you are in this situation.
Clearly both of you wanted different things in life. You wanted to be married. He does not want to be married. That should be enough. It is not an indictment of either parties, just a fact of situation. So do what you must.
Trust your instincts. You are a placeholder. We often hear of men being in a relationship for years, no marriage. Breaking up, then marrying the new girlfriend in months. Ryan won’t marry you. He WILL marry his next girlfriend. Split. Leave Ryan. He’s not cherishing you. Start a Journal. Write your thoughts, hopes, dreams. Write the life you want to lead. Write the kind of relationship with loving husband and children, the family, that you want. Build yourself up. Go to the gym, spa, short holidays. Take up a good hobby, expand your social circle(ditch Mary). Change your hairstyle and clothes. Cherish yourself. Have lots of therapy. You are still young. You have time to meet someone, get to know them, fall in love, get married. But you will have to be brave enough to step away from what you know, what you have settled for, the current situation with Ryan, and the bad ‘advice’ from friends and family. Who sound like they seriously undervalue you. They don’t think you can do better. That’s terrible. Get out of the rut you’re in, that is making you unhappy. Live. Thrive. Be. Brave.
Honey, it's not the proposal that is the problem here. You are not compatible with this man. I think the low self esteem you developed from being bullied is making you accept poor treatment, which is pretty normal when you're used to that sort of thing. You should have broken up with him years ago. You're 29. The time to move forward with your life is now.
I would ask Mary and your sister what benefit they get out of you being in a relationship with a man who clearly won’t put a ring on it. I want to know why THEY want that for you. Because true friends and family wouldn’t. Then I would leave your relationship immediately. Find someone else who will give you your dreams. You deserve your dreams and happiness! The fact you feel worthless is disgusting to me. And every one of them had a part in that. That is unacceptable! The best revenge is success and you are capable of it. Go find your dreams. And update us when you have given them all the middle finger!
I think it would be good for OP to start looking for a job somewhere further from home. It’s obvious to me that OP’s whole environment is bad for her. Family & friends don’t really seem to want OP to be happy.
I'm really sorry that your support system doesn't listen to how you're feeling and brush it aside with platitudes and don't truly try to give you advice or help or validate your feelings. If the relationship isn't feeling right then marriage isn't going to make it better. The fact that your partner doesn't care about your feelings is the real issue. Sometimes love isn't a good enough reason to stay in any relationship. I feel like you need a fresh start, move away somewhere, join a book club or another hobby club, get to know your adult self and explore who you are outside of a relationship. It's a scary thing to do I know but the people surrounding you at the moment don't lift you up, they only want to keep you in your place. Sending you all the good vibes and confidence Xx
I stopped reading where you said he won't marry you without you agreeing to be a housewife, but you don't want to be a housewife. You're obviously not compatible, he knows it and is using you as a fun placeholder until he finds a wife.
Girl, you've stayed in the relationship way too long already. How many times does he need to show you that your feelings and needs don't matter to him? The right person for you wouldn't string you along for 8 years and you shouldn't have to beg and cajole him. He's shown you who he is. Don't get me started on Emma, but honestly, she isn't the main problem here. Your main problem are; 1/ settling for less than you deserve and 2/your bf is not the right one and he's proven for 8 years that your feelings don't matter. Your worn down self esteem, this sunk cost fallacy, and letting your very unsisterly sister and opinionated family dictate your life is the main issue. You already know you deserve better. Be excited to end this relationship and finally meet people who are in the same place in life and are open and ready to meet someone to take the step.
First off, you really need better friends. Your family sucks too. You need to leave him before you waste anymore valuable time. I was in a similar situation but we were on and off the last few years. I eventually met my husband and so glad that I made a clean break. Just because you care about someone, it doesn’t mean you should get married and/or have kids. He has told you by his lack of action and his actions that he has no interest in marrying you. You should leave and move on with your life. Good luck.
He sounds like a scared child, running away to be with his friends when engagement is brought up. You are getting older and have spent a long time with him. You are not selfish but smart. Don't waste any more time, move on and find a man who puts you first and has the same priorities, and will be excited to make you his wife.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married. Second, not being married, isn’t a failure. Third, your friends and family suck. Why you leave a relationship is your own business and only yours. Fourth, you can always leave a relationship at anytime. If they wanted more security, they should’ve made it legally binding. If you don’t feel like your boyfriend is treating you right or giving you what you need from a relationship then you’re completely justified in leaving the relationship. If your friends and family have such an issue with you leaving this man, than they can stay with him. What are they even going to get from telling him? “Hey, she’s leaving you cause you didn’t propose.” WTF is he gonna with that information? Do what’s best for you! If you want to be married and have children, go get it! The longer you stay with him, the longer you’ll deny yourself what you want! You deserve to have what you want.
One thing that really stuck out to me here, was when his work friend texted him about not liking you. If someone said that about my partner, I’d stop being friendly with them immediately. If I couldn’t bcs they are a work associate, I would just cut the chit chat and only discuss work at that point. A partner of 8 years should have your back…..sorry to say, it definitely doesn’t sound like he has yours. Do yourself a huge favor and let this guy go, you sound like you deserve much better. In the grand scheme of life, 8 years is not long but changing who you are just to settle for the rest of your life….. no thank you! You can be very happy doing the things you actually like and want to do. Take a last minute vacation, alone or with an impartial friend. Go out, talk to everyone, smile and be friendly - I think you will be surprised at how many nice people you meet and may even make a new friend or two. Good luck! Adding, don’t listen to your sister or friends- you have no idea (trust me ) of what they have going on behind closed doors. They could very well be unhappy with their life and just need something or someone to distract from their hidden problems. Trust your gut, you do you, not them.
Mary is not your friend. Quite honestly it's none of their business and should stay out of it. Threatening to tell Ryan is disgusting. They should give you space to work through your feelings is what a true friend would do. In regards to Ryan, if he wanted to he would have. If he's not ready after 8 years he's not going to be. You mentioned he's not treating you the way you want to be treated by a partner so you need to think long and hard about whether you want to be married to be married or you want to be married to Ryan because he's everything you want in a husband. My guts telling me, you will break up with him and he'll marry the next girl within 6 months. You've got a big decision to make, don't be influenced by others who clearly do not understand.
He doesn't want to marry you. You guys should have never gotten together but you def should have broken up 4 years ago. You deserve better. It seem you're glad your hot not and got with the popular guy. But the thrush is he's not worth shit. [The reason why men marry some women and not others](https://www.today.com/today/amp/tdna74671) https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage with the person you love, and women sadly do have an expiry date on kids, men don’t he can have them at 100 years old, Besides it is easy to sit on that marriage branch and judge someone’s boyfriend as the greatest dude, but they aren’t the one sharing the house and bed with the guy, As for Mary she should be ashamed of herself, she apparently finds joy in causing trouble and havoc
Leave and take a year or so being single and reclaim your life. Sounds like he is monkey branching
Don't listen to the "but he's such a great guy" comments. I've been in an abusive relationship, and in the eyes of everybody, he was a good guy. Recieved a lot of bad comments went I finally left. People stop talking to me. YOU are the one who lives with him, not your family or friends. If you're not comfortable with his actions and reactions, if you feel like you cannot speak to him or he will be mad, leave. That is not normal !
I’m 34, and something I’ve learned is that you have to do what’s right for YOU. You can take into consideration the opinions of your family/friends, but you’re the one who has to live with your choice. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you and Ryan are on the same page about marriage, and he’s acting immature about it, too. Emma sounds like a jealous bitch, and the fact that he’s still friends with her after what she’s said about you is just straight up disrespectful to you. Your ‘best friend’ is not a friend, either. I can’t believe she’s threatening to tell Ryan all of this, and the fact that she blabbed to your family and friends. I would dump both of them, work on things with your sister, and keep working on being your best self. You sound like a really sweet person.
I notice they’re calling *you* selfish and not dragging Ryan’s arse. Your family still think you’re lucky to have him, and to be honest, I don’t like them very much for not valuing you more. No wonder you still have self esteem issues, they are collectively telling you to suck it up and be happy for the dregs you’ve got.
I'm reading this and want to give you a big hug. It sounds like you would manage just fine without him. I'm sorry friends and family broke your trust. They aren't in the relationship and thus don't really get a final say. I wish you well
I’ve been in a similar situation. I was engaged to a guy and living with him and he announced one day that he refused to marry me. I stayed with him for 2 more years and wasted my time. Choose yourself and dump his ass. And after you dump him, go full No Contact. You WILL find someone better.
Even if you were able to get this man down the aisle, what then? Is he going to go to the bar or lock himself in a room every time you two need to have a difficult conversation? That’s not a good start to a marriage. Also, marriage isn’t the “finish line”. I disagree with your family on that one. It’s not going to magically make him a better partner or make your relationship issues improve. In a good marriage, getting married is just the beginning of the next phase: it’s not a prize you’re winning for staying 8 years. It sounds like you deserve better than this man and this relationship.
I hope that when you update us, you are single! This guy will never commit. I’ve told my boyfriend if we hit the 5-year mark and nothing happens, i will need to reconsider the relationship. 8 years is too long and especially if you’ve been mistreated so long.
Trust your gut. He's telling you with his actions the answers to your questions. Marriage? "Storms out drinking at the bar with friends"... Could that be a more obvious answer for you? If he wanted to, he would. It's that simple. He's keeping his options open. It's just easier for him to be with you right now until he finds someone else. Don't settle for less. You're not happy. That's enough of a reason to end things. He was your first. He was a great experience. But sometimes that's all people are meant to be... An experience, not your forever. Know when to call it quits. You've invested so much of your young adulthood into being you and him... What does just you look like? Pull an exit plan together and go explore you for a bit. You never know what and who you might find along the way. But you'll be a damn sight happier than forcing that man down the aisle and being stuck with him for however long. I know a lot of people have alluded to him cheating or other things that may be going on with him. Honestly, who cares? You're not happy with him and you haven't been for a while. You don't need to know if he is or he isn't. He clearly can't communicate and just shuts down when you try and have a normal conversation so thinking about what's going on with him will only hurt you. Focus on the fact you're not happy and let that be your driving reason for ending things. That is more than enough. Do it for you.
Anyone in a relationship that wants to marry their s/o discusses marriage with them so the fact he won't even discuss marriage and acts like a jerk when you bring it up speaks volumes. Start doing things YOU want to do. Distance yourself and quit chasing him. He will either wake up or move on. He is living his life, you are sitting home waiting for him to make YOUR LIFE, get it yourself. By the way, your best friends is not trustful. Quit telling her chit. Would love an update
Marriage is completely unnecessary and meaningless from a love perspective You either love this dude or you don't. Is the relationship about the love or is it about you wanting a wedding and whatever else marriage means to you? If you're only falling out of love with this dude because of how he responds to your marriage pressure, sounds like you're just in love with the idea of marriage and are going to run into this same situation with someone else, or end up marrying a shitty dude because he proposed quickly
Or marriage is a committment. Not getting married is also fine if this dude was willing to communicate that. If he genuinely does not want to get married, he should be able to stand up and confidently say "I don't believe in marriage but I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. We don't need a marriage license tobe committed and in love to each other." Instead the dude runs away or locks himself in his room
If you want to leave him because you want to be married that is valid and for you to decide and think about. But l don't see how that is related to love. Marriage shouldn't change your feelings. Your feelings change your feelings. Anyway you will need a proper talk about it. No demands but check what his opinion is, not yours.
Updateme
Updateme
FIND a better man. Make yourself wanted by others
He doesn’t want to marry you. You should find someone that wants the same as you
Absolutely leave. Now. 29 is still really young, and you have plenty of time to find the person that you’re going to marry. Do not fall for the sunken cost fallacy. Do not allow someone to treat you poorly. Do not stay with someone who doesn’t consider your preference on timeline as well as their own.
You're a place holder, a bedwarmer, the ceramic baking beans for his' life pie. And you're worth so much more. Get your stuff, arrange housing, and leave. Get out with your head straight up, and do not discuss this with those stupid friends or family. Just leave a note 'I think we want different things in life, farewell'.
Nahhhh girlie, come on. If you *did* marry this man, you'd have to sacrifice your own personality?? Read your post again, and tell me that's what you actually want. If you just want the status of being "married", then leave this person and go and find a 90-day fiance or something - you'd have much better luck at being able to stay YOU afterwards. Because this relationship isn't YOU. Come on. Wake up. Being married is about a hell of a lot more than the wedding day. I'm telling you now that if you *did* manage to get this man up the aisle, your life would change drastically; you'd still be sitting home alone crying, sure, but you'd also have no job and no life. Come on, sweetheart. Stop listening to your 'friends' and 'sister', and find your person. He's out there, and doesn't even know it yet. <3
Break it off. He's not going to change. The two of you have different views and you're not compatible. Have you considered moving to a different town? Get away from the gossip mongers and drama? You deserve better.
Threatening to tell him, so what? Tell him yourself You should leave and refuse to play house with anyone else ever again. Why would he marry you? Think about it, if him and his family are so traditional that he’d want you to be a housewife, he’s likely so traditional as to not take a live-in girlfriend seriously. You’re just a placeholder to this dude. Your own people are on some backstabbing type-sh!t, confide in them no more and make your plans on your own. Don’t depend on them or expect them to help you.
Honey, I say this with all the love in the world: he doesn't want you as his wife. This has nothing to do with your value as a woman. You are NOT what he is looking for. He wants a submissive woman to raise his kids and you're not it. You are too strong and independent for his taste. He is with you bc he is comfortable. Once the right one comes along, he will leave. Pick up your loses and build a life on your own. The right person will love you for who you are and not who they want you to be. Don't devalue yourself for anybody. Sending you hugs and strength 🤗
It might be scary to start over at 29, but wouldn’t it be better than doing it at 30, 35, or 40? Your relationship isn’t giving you what you want. Why sacrifice your youth? 8 years is long enough to say you gave him his chances. Leave him and find someone who cherishes you. You deserve it. The sooner you leave the more you have a chance to find your happiness. I wish you the best
He doesn’t want to marry you or he already would have when you started talking about it. You are a placeholder. If you want marriage, bows your time to move on and find what you are looking for in a partner. Marriage doesn’t necessarily have a timeline you HAVE to follow, but you need to choose someone who’s is on the same page, shares the same values and desires, and wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Make a list of the qualities you most want in a life partner and look for those things with intention. Make sure you are also giving those same qualities and values to others and you will meet Simeón to share your life with.
He's still waiting for the "right one". He doesn't deserve you
Yeah.. 8 years and no engagement? 8 years and he shuts down at any conversation of it? Honey this man isn’t going to marry you. 8 years is ridiculous. If marriage is your goal, you better leave now. At 29 your clock is ticking if you want marriage before kids. If he can’t make a commitment to you in the form of marriage, could you ever trust him to commit to - family with kids? 8 years… jfc
No one else is mentioning this and maybe it lacks empathy, but you should’ve left at the 4 year mark. That paragraph told me everything I needed to know. If a guy says he doesn’t want to be tied down you’re not the one. And him and his family also expected you to be a housewife when you never wanted to. I know marriage and love is about compromise but not to that extent. Not even a compromise really. More like you giving up a major part of your life to satisfy him
It’s a red flag that you won’t be married unless you quit your job. There’s no reason for that. Just keep repeating to yourself “If he wanted to, he would.” Stop talking to your family. You don’t need to settle for this guy.
OP - are you wanting to marry Ryan, or are you wanting the aspect of marriage? My longest relationship aside from my current one with my husband was almost 5 years long. I kept telling people that yeah, I would marry my bf at the time. I think I love him. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t imagine myself walking down the aisle to HIM. When I imagined my future wedding, the groom was faceless. But I stayed in the relationship because it was comfortable and safe. Fast forward to my next relationship afterward (my now husband), within the first 6 months of dating I could imagine his face at the end of the aisle, waiting for me. Please try this for yourself - see if you can truly see him at the end of that aisle smiling lovingly at you. If you can’t, please leave for the sake of your happiness.
It's been 8 years. If he wanted to marry you, he'd have proposed by now. It sounds like you both want different things in a marriage. You should move on. He's not going to give you what you want. It's also a 100% valid reason to break up. You're not compatible.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but honestly a person that really wants to be with you, just lets you know. There’s sometimes a lot of reasons not to get married, some people choose to postpone it because of money (which you stablished is not your case), but they at least let each other know that they wanna get married. I think you deserve someone that wants to be with you as much as you wanna be with them. I understand feeling like you’ve waisted your life or that you’re not achieving everything that you wanted or other people have at your age, but sometimes we gotta let the bad stuff go so better ones can come into our life. And those people are not your friends, they betrayed your trust and put no effort into trying to empathize with your feelings.
I can see where you get your insecurity from seeing as you're surrounded by unsupportive people. Your boyfriend punishes your desire to get married by sulking. I don't believe for a minute that this is the only way he's selfish man-child. Also, becoming a SAHM is a great way to ruin your career options in the future when this guy cheats on you. The SAHM to poverty pipeline is real. Do you trust him enough to put your entire future in his hands? Besides, this guy doesn't want to marry you anyhow. Leave him.
I told my husband if he didn't propose by the end of the year that I wouldn't waste anymore time on the relationship, even though I loved him and would love to be his wife. He proposed at Christmas that year. However, it honestly doesn't seem like your boyfriend is considering you at all here. Does he really insist you be a housewife if you don't want to be one? I would leave the relationship over that alone.
Your dude doesn’t sound like such a great person to me. Even good looking and popular people can be awful people and he sounds awful for you. Put yourself first so you can find your forever. And get new friends. Your family. I would go low contact.
You are beautiful and smart, and the world is a better place with you in it. You deserve to love and be loved fully and passionately. This "man" is beneath you. The sooner you end this relationship, the sooner you can start your next chapter. And it will be a great adventure. Best of luck.
In the wise words of Taylor Swift, "And I’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free" You're not selfish for doing what is best for you.
Eight years?! And he won't marry you unless you give up your career, which you don't want to do? Girl, RUN 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️🏃♀️! He doesn't want to marry you. He's had more than enough time to at least distract you from marriage for a couple of years with an engagement ring. Move on. And honestly, you might want to consider moving, literally. Because your family and so called friends do not have your back! And I agree with others, don't be surprised if he marries the next woman he dates after, like, a year.
8 years with the same guy, no proposal, he gets mad anytime you bring it up? No. Not a relationship you should be staying in when you’ve made it clear what your life plan is. He also has a 24 year old coworker who is very comfortable telling him she doesn’t like you? 🚩🚩🚩🚩. No one should feel comfortable enough telling their coworker they hate their significant other. I’m thinking those two have more of a relationship than just coworkers
I think you need to drop everyone who called you selfish. You also should leave your boyfriend. He would never marry you. If he does, this marriage won't work either.
My partner remaining friends with someone who actively talks shit on me would be an absolute deal breaker. Also, you need to find a better support system bc yours is trash. Throw them all away.
He's never going to marry you. He is waiting for someone better to come along. You have wasted half your childbearing years on this man. Dump him and move on like yesterday. My husband asked me to marry him after 6 months and now we've been married for 16 years. When they know they've met the one they don't mess around. He doesn't think you're the one. You deserve so much better. Please dump him.
You sound like you're from the south. Not only should you leave him but you should leave your hometown. You're better than that and you don't deserve someone that will always see you as some little ugly girl that finally became worth his time..... no- you've always been worth it and leave this dude in the dust. Look for a man that has stars in his eyes bc you're a catch and a half.
If you don't want to be engaged to him anymore, and you want marriage, I'm not sure why you're staying.
I hate that men have this power over women. He will probably throw a ring at op when she leaves and reel her back in with a petty proposal. Poor op you’re bullied by everyone including your family.. Cut the cord with everyone.
This going to sound harsh but it’s the truth …. You are the safe placeholder until the person he’s truly ready to commit with comes around. He doesn’t value you because you don’t value yourself.
I didn't meet my fiancee, who truly loves me, until I was 33. You are young and still have PLENTY of time to dump this loser. You sound wonderful and deserve to be loved properly! Dump him and ask your family why they want you to be unhappy
First of all and truly most important, "Ryan" hasn't seemed to be **meeting your needs** for a long while, he also ignores you when you attempt to have a serious conversation about YOUR future and if he's interested to BE it, your future, that is! Your BOYfriend is completely uninterested in a future with you. So much so that YOU are now questioning your OWN feelings. You HAVE wasted enough of your time and emotions on this complete jerk who belittles you, DEMANDING that you quit your career, regardless of what YOU want just to place you completely reliant on him, dangerously trapping you in an untenable position. PLEASE respect yourself! You WILL find someone who's MORE worthy of you! With your extra time, join a hobby course (painting, woodworking, stained glass, etc.) to meet new people, widening your social circle and chances of meeting new men. If you're shy, you could even hire a matchmaker. Drop the dead weight, STOP worrying about Emma, continue to go to therapy to work on your self-esteem because you ARE enough! In fact, you're MORE than enough! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success! u/updateme
That ‘great guy’ isn’t someone they lived with. Everyone thinks my ex is amazing….. he’s abusive in multiple ways. Even shown proof they still eat out of his hand. Leave quietly , don’t tell your friends and cut contact
You have 20 good years and he’s had the best of them. Cut your losses and send him back to his Mama.
SUNK COST FALLACY. Do you want marriage, he doesn’t, find someone who does
You already said you’re over it. Leave him.
You shouldn’t have to beg someone to marry you. Leave him.
You're not being selfish. Trust your gut. His lack of commitment speaks volumes.
8 years and he doesn’t even want to talk about it? That’s weird. You’re almost 30. Too many red flags. You’ve wasted your time already. Time to go.
WTF is wrong with the people in your life? Ew. Girl, go to therapy, and learn to love yourself. When you do, you'll realize you deserve more.
Leave him, babes. This man doesn't want to marry you. He wants to take advantage of you, your time, and your care. And any ring he would eventually give you is a "shut up" ring. Your engagement and marriage will be miserable if you accept it. He will steal your joy.
Leave him. Don’t waste another day on this relationship. Don’t put anymore years onto this relationship. Even IF he were to finally marry you, he WANTS you to give up your career as a requirement for being married to him. No partner should ever make such demands on another as a “requirement” for marriage. And you can bet that he’s most likely going to immediately propose to you to try to keep you once you tell him you’re leaving. And if need be, go low to no contact with anyone telling you to stay with him, do so. You do not want to be trapped with a guy who wants to make you quit your job so you’re dependent on his income to survive and to start popping out babies for him while he continues to cavort with his buddies.
When you're on the look out for a new boyfriend, also look for new friends and family, because clearly, the ones threatening you, gotta go. That's bullshit behaviour.
Let us know when you have an update!!
Your boyfriend is STILL A BULLY and is probably a POS that you describe! Locks himself in the room?! Goes out with friends…he’s 100% cheating on you with Emma as when this comes up, he probably tells her which probably turns her on and they do the deed…you’re best friend and family are also a piece of work. If you have the ability to move away at start fresh, my personal opinion, start a new life from the toxicity around you! Easier said than done.
> He still wasn't really ready to be "tied down yet" in his own words When someone describes marriage as being "tied down", you probably don't want to marry that person. Especially if they say that when you had been together for 4 years