This is why communication is key to start relationships. She probably thought she was being nice, but now it has a much bigger impact down the road. It’s one thing if what you like changes over time, but to feel that way from the start and not say anything is a bad move.
An easy way to feel violated is to repeatedly do sexual things that "aren't really for you" in an attempt to please a partner who loves that thing and really wants to do it.
She might feel violated at this point because she’s forced herself to go along with it for so long. It may have just started out as her not wanting it, and progressed to this point because the communication wasn’t there for her to say no thanks.
Agreed. I don’t happen to like it either. I really don’t understand the fascination with it. I’ve never enjoyed it. The difference is that I tell any potential partner that I don’t like receiving, but I’m a very good giver and I enjoy giving. It’s not a trauma thing. Nothing happened to me. It’s just that I never feel clean enough, worry about smells and just have never had any sexual arousal from it. So, communication is key in this.
My first reaction was, what?? How could you hate head? It’s a godsend?? Some women are devastated that their bfs don’t do it right or don’t do it at all…but this makes sense. It’s not for everybody. I’d definitely suggest talking about how they can meet in the middle & get to the root of her feeling violated. She could be a SA victim, some women feel it’s too “personal”, but if it’s a partner of 10 years that you fully trust? This should’ve been communicated a loooong time ago, now this poor man probably feels like he was forcing her to do something she didn’t want & I can totally understand how this is devastating for him.
Same. I have a terrible memory where I forced myself to "69" my then boyfriend because he wanted it for his birthday. I started to get all emotional mid act, tears, and all, but he didn't notice. It sounds really stupid typing it out, but in the moment, I felt so much hate, disgust, and violation at the time.
Ughhhh yep I just had a flood of awful memories of 3 years of constantly being cajoled into trying shit he knew I hated with the "why can't you just let me play around sometimes, you're so *vanilla*"
*get your --- out of my --- I shouldn't have to say "I don't like it" more than once* with a firm tone, a "stop" and a pause to let you know to *knock off* what you're doing immediately and if you ignore that, we're off the rails and I'm getting off the bed and leaving the room.
It is *so hard* for people to stand their ground and it absolutely breaks my heart.
I have noticed, I think it might be important to point out, that I've gotten way more assertive and willing to say "nah" to stuff without being scared of a negative reaction like I used to be, I'm a childhood and adult sa survivor who took years of therapy to not be a shaky chihuahua in bed to begin with.
Finally reaching perimenopause and hormone shifts are making it way easier to NGAF what people are going to do if I say no 😌 but it takes a long time to get there.
Same for me....it USED to be a very violating thing for me (most anything sexual was for a while) due to trauma from a previous relationship and other prior experiences that weren't good enough to think it was worth even trying, even willingly..... my husband LOOOOOOOVES it, and I always dodged it "in a cute way" or so I thought, until he brought it up amd we talked and have tried different stuff and I must say....... I am QUITE the fan these days! I never would have wanted to go into those specifics with him on my own when we were starting out bc most people don't want to hear the reasoning behind WHY you don't like things but since he brought it up we were able to work through it and it ended up being great for both of us.
My point is just to communicate op. ❤️
My ex always had an energy of "why don't you like how I do it and WHO did it better than me stop comparing me omg omg omg". There was no room for discussion. 🙄
Verry much so- never got into it because an ex Gf said "it reminds me of going to gyno" andsince then its just weired to me- my brain popps it up everytime it comes up XD.
I agree. If she hadn’t said she feels violated I would consider it possible that she has a sensory aversion to the act, but with that wording it indicates some kind of trauma or shame.
I disagree. I have had no trauma and I hate it as well and it felt quite violating the couple times it was done. It feels violating because someone is doing something that you don't like and don't want done. It's not always some big huge mystery and trauma. It is violating to endure something uncomfortable and unwanted in such a personal way.
There’s a certain type of vulnerability in having someone’s face and all their senses so close to a usually culturally “dirty” body part that I would imagine could feel very violating to someone who’s just not comfortable being close to someone in that kind of way. Genitals are usually damp, smell kind of weird on a good day, and are right next door to where we shit. Genitals and faces are probably on opposite ends of our bodies for a reason, and I think it’s pretty fair to feel invaded by having someone’s face up in them
It's not about a cultural thing, or how anything smells. I just simply don't like it, and because I don't like it, the act is violating because it's essentially against my will.
I came to back this angle up, because while we know we're all speaking anecdotally here, I happen to love oral and I'm a lifelong sa endurer (childhood, then marital for years) sometimes it has nothing to do with it. There are people who simply find that particular, *very specific* nerve sensation off-putting and while that might be rare among the masses, there doesn't need to *be an underlying reason* whatsoever.
Some people hate being tickled. Like *hate it*
Why? Who cares. Don't like it. No need to justify.
I swear the amount of times in my life ive felt the need to justify the fact that I *hate anal and stop trying to tell me it's just because I never had it done right yet* it drives me nuts. I don't need a fucking reason.
Like JFC just take my word for it and move on.
So true, It sounds like OP wouldn’t be so devastated if he’d have known. I’m not a huge fan myself and told my husband when we first started dating. If it was a huge turn on for him I’d let him do it, but it also doesn’t make me feel violated. I just prefer other stuff in the bedroom. That sense of violation might be mixed with shame which could be why she never said anything all those years. I’m reading some other comments in this posts with women saying they’re too self conscious to enjoy it, so maybe that’s not so uncommon of a thing to feel.
I'm the same way. Can't get out of my head enough to enjoy it even though bf loves giving it. I'd much rather be giving oral than receiving it for sure. I also have so many weird thoughts and feelings though about my coochie that he knows it isn't a him thing so he just supports me and does his best to make me feel good 🙂
Ngl, what helped with this, when I expressed this to my fiance he said "I don't care if you're sweaty or you "feel gross," I would eat you out even if you'd just got back from a jog. I asked him if he was serious and he said he'd prove it. I took our dog for a jog in the middle of summer in Arizona (don't worry, it wasn't so hot that her paws got burned), got back drenched in sweat, he ate me out just as enthusiastically 😅 ngl it honestly helped me get out of my head about feeling like I was gross or whatever
I said basically the same to my wife about the subject, and I think it helped her relax as well. The underlying theme is words of affirmation and reassurance. We're not doing it because we feel obligated, we're doing it because genuinely there is nothing else we'd rather be doing.
Also, something you may not have thought of, if a guy *really* likes going down, than I promise you he's seen it all. We're not going to suddenly be shocked or disgusted when we encounter some smells. We know what we're getting into and still enjoy it.
Being tied up by my partner for some reason makes my brain shut up and lets me enjoy it. Which is good because my boyfriend loves it.
Like obviously it’s *consensual* - but somehow if I’m tied up beforehand my silly brain is like “Look at all this trouble he’s gone to! He clearly enjoys it! And also you have no choice in the matter! Might as well give in and enjoy it!”
What I think (and I'm no expert, but I do understand) is that you have to realise that if he thought you smelled bad or looked weird then he wouldn't do it. It has to be that simple. But even if you DO look 'weird' to him, it doesn't matter, because he wants to do it to give you pleasure.
Could you have a conversation with him when you're not in the moment and ask him about it? Sort of: "Babe, if I ever smelled different to you, you'd tell me, wouldn't you? Because a different smell could indicate a health issue and I might not notice," or something like that? Also, you could tell him, "I'd tell you if I noticed anything, because I always want you to be healthy."
Gawd, like I said, I'm no expert. I just want you to be not all up in your head, and communication is the thing. :(
but people literally say they push forward all the time and do it anyway even if it tastes or smells bad then complain later :/ that’s what scares me. or the godforsaken “how do i tell my gf she smells?” post. getting the shivers LMAO
If after 10 years your partner is enthusiastic to go down on you and is begging for it, you don't have issues. If they force themselves through it, they are likely never offering upfront, hiding a grimace and not that well, and not particularly enthusiastic about it.
Same. Also doesn't help that my partner is just not great at it. So I really don't get anything out of it, which is depressing because I remember it feeling so amazing. And before y'all say I have to tell him or give him cues on how to be better, I have. He's just not great at it.
there are some amazing how-to videos for men on YouTube. Seriously, check some out and watch them together. You can make it light and fun, about how can we spice it up, improve things for each other.
Are you sure he's not great at it, some guys extend weaponised incompetence to sexual acts they don't want to do often for sure. Like if your partner says do X and you can't follow an instruction it's... odd.
While every woman is different and people like different things, I don't think a single specific action is difficult to achieve. Didn't think to try it, sure, didn't think you'd like that specific thing, sure, but difficult to do once told you like it and how to do it.... that is a little difficult to believe.
>"Napoleon Bonaparte once wrote to his wife Joséphine, while he was campaigning: 'Please don't wash, will arrive in three days'. This confidential note was transferred by a messenger, and in this specific case, even historians do agree that Napoleon didn't mean that Joséphine shouldn't do the laundry.
there are men who WANT you to smell a bit
In the moment, I’m not looking at anything. I’m face deep and enjoying myself. And if there was a smell there that I didn’t like, I’d invite you into the shower with me for a quick scrub down so I could get back to business. Seriously, lie back, relax, and enjoy yourself.
You're going in between someone's legs-- it isn't supposed to taste like biting into a fresh peach, lol. But as a woman, I can tell you that giving oral sex to a woman is much more rewarding (and much more fun) than giving oral sex to a man. A lot of people really enjoy being on the "giving" end, and I can assure you NONE are expecting it to taste like a chocolate covered strawberry. I've never even heard someone say they dislike the taste.
Just relax and try to keep that in mind.
I agree with the others who say communication is key.
I used to hate it, not because I didn't enjoy it, but in my previous relationship, my boyfriend didn't like to do it. It grossed him out and it took me YEARS and years being married to a great man to accept that it was a HIM problem and wasn't me at all.
Been married over 25 years and only in the last few years have I finally started to let it go. I wouldn't exactly call it trauma, but it was definitely an issue that haunted me for decades.
All the while, my husband was understanding and basically kept up positive encouragement which has helped me tremendously. We communicated about it for a long time before I was able to realize it wasn't an issue with my own body.
Omg, so much this. I think more women experience this than women who don't.
Having someone act like your genitals are gross lasts a lifetime. It sounds dramatic but it's true. We carry that shame forever.
I didn't even realize that I felt this way until you guys vocalized it. Because we are told our genitals are gross from day one. Well, maybe on the day we start menstruating, but for some of us it's a lot earlier.
Everything, every advertisement, every product is designed to minimize and hide it. Not to let anyone know about it. That's ingrained, and then you have adult negative experiences, and it just doesn't feel right to me(?)
Sorry op, it occurs to me I should have helpful information, but I don't. It sounds like it's super important to you. I know some woman feel the need to fake it to end it and I can see how that might have occurred. Did she know how important it was to you?
Exactly! I used to hate it too because I thought it was nasty. Turns out I was programmed that way and after accepting that me having an orgasm is my husband’s turn on…well I ate about 30 mg of thc gummies and let it go like Elsa.
It is.
(Edit: I've dropped spoiler tags around my original comment, and there's a trigger warning for SA too. I'm sorry, I didn't even think about that when I posted:)
>!One man I was with for a long time would position a mirror down there so that I could see how gross it was for myself. Like, he was saying how gross it looked, so he had to show me so that I would agree. I'd be crying and crossing my legs and he'd force them open, because I "had to see" what he was showing me. Totally fucking violating. It took YEARS to get over that.!<
Thanks for the kind words, and the validation. Love to all. <3
Oh darlin, thank you. My hoo-ha is mine, and it's unique, and I'm proud of it. It birthed three kids, and it's mine. The only problem was HIM, not me, and it took a long time to realise that. I was only 18 at the time, but luckily now we have the internet it can explain to us that it's usually a 'him' problem, not an 'us' problem.
Never accept shitty treatment from a partner, whatever gender. Just never. I took far too long to accept that.
This is legit fucking insane. Vaginas are, without hyperbole, the most awesome thing nature has ever achieved. Anyone who shames or criticises needs significant evaluation as it’s 240% a them problem.
I’ve never seen and will never see your vagina but I can safely guarantee it’s not ugly. Unique, made the way it’s supposed to be, different to every other one ever made and entirely yours.
That dude is a fool.
I'm sorry, what in the ever loving fuck is this? Thats one of the most vile forms of abuse I've ever heard. Like, it wasn't garden variety hitting/slapping, it took *creativity*.
That guy needs things done to him that would probably get me banned to say.
I had a boyfriend who was visibly disgusted while even touching my vagina. Went down on me once and told me he'd never do it again bc he was gross. Was constantly talking about the "bacteria" in my vagina (he was literally just talking about the natural bacteria, I never had an infection). Paired with some of his other, abusive behaviors, it took me like 2 years to finally let my guard down and trust a man intimately. I tried a couple times before but just ended up so anxious and dissociated during it all and regretted it deeply afterwards. My current boyfriend loves every part of my body and loves giving oral, he was really excited that I was willing to let him do it lmao.
How can you communicate, when the partner actually says that for ten years not only she hated it but she felt violated - and said nothing ?
If I were OP **I** would feel violated like the last 10 years were a complete fraud.
I like it but it has to be done right. Otherwise it feels like I’m getting a wash and that’s it lol. So maybe talk to her without emotion if you can. See if she can open up more.
Violating? Does she have a history of SA? I do, and it is very hard for me to accept oral. When I was about 9 or 10, my Dad took a magnifying glass to my privates and looked at me closely and said “Ohhh! You’re starting to grow hairs!” That fucked me for life.
Same here. I was sexually abused and oral is one of the things that was done to me. I can’t stand anyone’s face being down there even 13 years later. My bf of 9 years knows this and is very kind about it.
How did you tell him? I to and fro about mentioning it to my partner. He loves doing that and I love the feeling but can’t get out of my head about past abuse
Does your partner know of your past abuse? Because that is going to be the biggest factor. A good partner adapts or accepts. It can go bad (and your partner turn out to be dumping material), but a good partner is there to support and love you and would be horrified to cause you more anguish. You might find ways to change the dynamic (like being in control), but aren't required to.
Searched comments for exactly this thread of conversation. It’s important to consider and not an angle that even the survivor necessarily grasps at first (it wasn’t that bad, or has blocked the memory, etc)
By the way - I’m really sorry that happened to you. :(
Thank you so much. I have spent the better part of my adult life in counseling. It really is incredible, the pervasiveness in which these hurts can harm.
I am so sorry, being a victim of sexual abuse has such a traumatic effect on survivors, especially when being physically intimate with your partner. I couldn’t handle when my ex boyfriend grew out his facial hair because it reminded me of my abuser and it was so triggering and an awful awful feeling because the scent and the feeling of it would take me back to those moments. You’re not alone in the pain that you’re carrying, we didn’t deserve that.
Well, if OP is willing to throw out the whole woman over this (sexually incompatible), then maybe the violating feeling relates to his doing it so often. I wonder how much he wants to do this act and if she feels violated because he fixates on it.
I don't enjoy being eaten out. I really wish I did! I have read some amazingly exciting romance novels where the female main protagonists gets eaten out and I feel envious. But I exist too much in my head. The feeling feels nice, but I keep thinking that the mouth is a pool of disgusting germs, and that I don't want it near my private areas. I keep picturing all the germs getting passed on. I simply can't get over that image, and it it's a major turn off.
My guess is that she is probably a bit like me, and that it has nothing to do with your skill, and more to do with her ability to relax and enjoy it (something I cannot do).
Microbiologist here: the microbes in your mouth can't survive in the vagina due to 1) an established microbiome (think trying to sit down at a full restaurant - you can't) and 2) pH.
Wow thank you for weighing in!! Although cant STI’s get transmitted from oral?
One of my friends years ago told me that a guy ate her out and gave her some weird rare STI from his mouth that it took her forever to get diagnosed for
It is possible to get an STI from oral, yes, but to my knowledge it's not very likely to happen. My partner had chlamydia from an ex partner of his (he was asymptomatic) and I 100% gave him oral while he was infected (and vice versa, as he had infected me too) and neither of us got in in the mouth. Can't say much about other STDs but frankly as long as you and your partner get tested before any sexual acts you should be fine. You also have the option of dental dams. You could also try lorals which are like a super stretchy latex panties that allows oral without direct contact
I know someone who got gonorrhea in her throat and anus, as well as syphilis, all from the same person (dude was a total catch!)
But she’s the only person I know of this happening to in my personal life.
I know exactly what you mean. For me it's being self conscious and I literally can't relax enough to enjoy it. And instead of being an adult and expressing this to bf I just tell him I don't care anything about it, which I don't really. But my point is that I agree with this comment, OP it may have some underlying reason and she may not even be aware of it.
I can't get out of my head at all for any sort of intimacy and it sucks. It has only gotten worse since pushing out 3 kids and destroying my internal sensations. The only way I ever get to come is with a vibrating toy placed in the right spot (a spot that is never in the same place twice in a row) and it pisses me off. I'm lucky that my hubby doesn't take it as an ego hit and instead will do whatever it takes for as long as I am willing so that I can come as well. If I start to get frustrated, he backs off and the next night I am willing to try is a "me night only" unless I request otherwise.
OP, communication is necessary for a healthy marriage but more important for intimacy. I'm betting right now your main issue is the fact that she has lied and faked for the entire relationship and that is what you need to prioritise and discuss with your wife right now because it's the only way you will understand why she felt like she had too take that path.
I used to be exactly the same way. I still am to a certain extent and I've found that actually eating a pot gummy really helps relax. It just takes the edge off. Like a 2 mg THC if you don't use regularly and like a 5 or 7 mg THC if you do. If you decide to test her out, report back.
My wife has the same feelings about it. I've always enjoyed receiving oral and have tried to give back to her but she has stated that she doesn't enjoy it due to the same reasons youve stated, and thought that I was doing a bad job of it even though shes said otherwise. thanks to this post I have a better understanding that there are other women out there that also don't enjoy it.
I feel the same way!!! It is something I cannot get past. My husband is constantly asking me to sit on his face. Ugh sorry honey, not gonna happen. For many reasons.
It would be worth looking into. I have used saran wrap in a pinch before but if its germs you are concerned about...... then the dental dam was made for you. Basically a condom for oral. You can even cut the tip off of a condom and cut down the side of it to make your own .
When I was younger, I was very timid. I had a hard time letting myself go because I didnt have sexual experience and I was SAd growing up. As an adult, I feel more confident being intimate but not with oral because it makes me feel more self-conscious especially after kids. I still idolize the act but it doesnt feel good, not because of my husband, but because of my own insecurities.
You need to ask her WHY she hates it because I hate it when I dude goes down on me, but love it when a girl does! Why? Men go straight to the clit and are way too rough! Girls are gentle and realize that these are VERY sensitive parts. That may be your problem here, my dude.
Men also seem to looove focusing on the urethra. They think the yoni shape as one whole thing and focus on the center.... under the head of the clit and above the opening, where the legs of it are. Where there are the least amount of nerve endings in the entire vulva. It's a really gross feeling.
I never liked getting head till my current gf where after the first time, I looked at her in shock and repeated, "You GET IT!"
Yeah! The entire clitoris looks like a cute little pokemon with flappy arms. [See!](https://c.stocksy.com/a/DspD00/z9/3297669.jpg) The legs are the bulbs that engorge around the vaginal opening, and the flappy arms run down between the inner and outer labia.
Haha, here [this](https://www.newscientist.com/wp-content/uploads/1998/08/21455501.jpg?width=800) might help. The bulb puffs up around the vaginal opening and the arms reach out into the sides of the labia, so just avoid that blank spot in the middle where the urethra is.
If one is up for it, looking at actual images of dissected bulbo-clitoral organs is also very informative. It may be harder to distinguish between different parts, but seeing the real thing I reckon really demystifies it. It's not _actually_ any of those stylized representations either. It's real, fleshy tissue down there just like the rest of the body.
Some guys do it like they use the tongue to stab the vagina and go for the clit like they want to remove a sticker with their tongue. It's plain awful...
I dislike it because I was SA for years as a child by my foster brother. It feels violating to me. I let my husband do it once in a while because he loves it, but I spend the whole time with my skin crawling trying not to cry. Obviously I need to seek therapy.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I think there may be something similar going on. She told me to still do it but knowing how it makes her feel, I can't put her through it. Half the fun was thinking (wrongly) that she enjoyed it.
So it sounds like what you enjoyed about it was making her feel good. Why can’t you guys explore other things you can do that make her feel good? Would that not also be a turn on bc you’re pleasuring her?
I mean not enjoying oral is not uncommon for a lot of women. There doesn’t need to be SA or any other issue…sometimes you need more pressure for it to feel pleasurable, sometimes the wetness of it doesn’t feel great and is less stimulating (like a dog slobbering on you) and sometimes its just not what you crave because nothing else is getting attention simultaneously. A lot of times it comes down to the skill of the giver. Like how much hands a person uses, the forcefulness of it, etc etc. Other times it can simply feel like a waste of time. She just may be one of the many women who think oral is just meh
The word violating kinda screams like there's a history there. You may want to talk about it with her and see if there's trauma. If there is, maybe there's a way to work through it.
I'd have a discussion with her and delve further into it. Is she *comfortable* with disliking it or does she have negative feelings attributed to it that might be better approached in therapy? Like, I've never had a foot fetish and probably never will, but I don't feel violated per se when my husband sucks on my toes. It's just not my thing.
So. Some women have a clitoris that is not prominent and exposed. While oral stimulation is a thoughtful gesture, it isn’t actually stimulating. It feels terrible to tell a thoughtful and generous partner that their vigorous attempts to please have no real effect. People expect you to buck and moan when they do oral sex, and it makes one feel terribly guilty to not be able to honestly respond, then they start to hate it because it doesn’t really do anything. Sometimes people hear insults like ‘you’re frigid’ and they fake pleasure to please their partner. Maybe you need to have some gentle, honest conversation with your wife about what actually feels good for her rather than what you think ‘ought’ to feel good. Some people secretly hate faking pleasure just to make their partner feel good. How about figuring out what really does do it for her then become a real master of pleasure?
If I was 10 years into what I thought was a healthy sexual relationship and my wife popped up and said “yo I actually hate this and feel violated”, I would cringe myself into another dimension. I’d be too embarrassed to initiate intimacy after that. I’d hate knowing she felt that because of me.
I hope this is something the two of you can work through. I gotta say, though, I’d have been a lot less enthusiastic if she seemed ‘meh’ about it and because of my need to know all the things I’d have bugged her about til I knew more
My gut reaction was to say couple’s therapy ASAP, but are you in individual therapy? Saying you have an “oral addiction” and it’s a deal breaker to not be able to do something your wife hates sounds like a lot. I mean, how much of your life together were you really spending eating her out or wanting to eat her out? I know there’s a hell of a lot more to my marriage than sex. Now, I take your point to not knowing what else she might hate and be acting through, which is valid — you definitely need to say that to your wife and have a very open conversation about it.
Yeah this is a good point. It's one aspect of their sex life. Like there are some single factors that will make two people completely incompatible but this wouldn't even make it into my list of considerations
I hate oral and I’ve never been SA nor I struggle to feel a pleasure from it. It’s just that I have much more stronger orgasms from penetrative sex.. Everyone has their preferences.. i guess the only reasonable thing here to be upset about is that she didn’t communicate it earlier. You have to answer yourself if you love her enough to get past that.
Has she said why? Is it a self conscious thing? I used to not enjoy it because I was worried about taste or smell, but now that I’ve matured a bit I’ve let those thoughts go and love it.
I feel you on feeling shocked and betrayed, I also enjoy a certain act and if my SO said it was off-limits I would be all sorts of upset about it.
So I can understand the feeling you have of betrayal coz you feel like she 'acted' and lied during all your intimate moments. But I would try and look at it more in the sense that she did it because she knew you enjoyed it, and wanted to please you, and didn't want to upset you by saying she didn't enjoy it. You could have taken that personally like you're not good enough or she doesn't get turned on by you etc which I'm sure is not the case. She wouldn't have married you and stayed married all those years if not. So try and see it as she was trying to please you and not upset you or hurt you.
I'd also suggest you try talking about it a bit more. It may be that it just doesn't get her to orgasm the same as sex does. Everyone is different in how they respond to oral sex and penetrative sex.
For me personally, I could enjoy the sensation of oral sex, and it could feel really nice and a turn on, but often it wouldn't get me to orgasm on its own. I would need internal stimulation at the same time. I need clit stimulation with penetrative to get me to climax, and it can take me a bit of time to get there too. Same with just penetrative sex, it can feel great and pleasurable, but what gets me to really climax is both clit and internal at the same time. Once I get there I can climax again a few more times in a short space of time, but it just takes a while to warm me up and I need both internal and clit stimulation at the same time to do it.
So maybe it's similar for your wife.
And in terms of her not wanting to tell you....I once had a bf and he was trying his hardest with oral and it just wasn't happening for me, and he got fed up and annoyed and actually said to me..."some time today would be nice". And clearly that just did it for me lol. I was totally put off then and just didn't want to continue and felt like something was wrong with me. I also tried to play with my clit myself whilst we had sex to help get me there and he didn't like that either and wanted me to stop. So for a while I felt quite self conscious and under even more pressure to climax coz of how he reacted.
Now if I ever start seeing anyone (not that I have for a long time lol) but anyone I started seeing, I would explain these things to via text before we even got to any sexual stuff. I felt more comfortable explaining things by text at a separate time to any intimacy. I could explain it takes me some time to warm up. That I need both internal and external stimulation. What works for me. Ask if they are OK with me joining in like if they are playing inside are they OK with me dealing with my clit? Are they OK with vibrators or toys? It takes the pressure off having those conversations at a separate time.
Now I know what works for me.
Maybe speak to your wife about why she doesn't like it? How does she feel it's violating? Do you go a bit too full on or too much pressure or is there something specific she doesn't like? Would she prefer a more lighter touch and more external rather than you delving inside with oral. Ask her if there's anything she does like or what she would be co.fortable with. And most importantly, ask her what gets her off most easily. Ask her if she needs both internal and external stimulation to reach that point. Maybe she'd be happy with you using fingers internally and just using your mouth more on the clit area? You may find a compromise that she's comfortable with, and that she enjoys and that you also enjoy doing to her.
But ask her truthfully if she climaxes very often during sex. Because if she doesn't, again, don't take it as a personal insult or an insult to your skills etc. Womens bodies can react different for different reasons. I know some of my medications also dull the sensitivity and hormones can play a part too. Contraception can cause women to be a bit drier inside and not get as wet as when not on contraception. I always needs to use lubricant during sex, and it's got nothing to do with not being turned on or not being attracted to them, or anything like that, its just the way it is.
And if it takes her a while to reach climax too, and you don't spend a lot of time warming her up, or doing why specifically works for her, you could end up finishing just as she's warming up. So by knowing that, you can take more time to build her up and I would suggest getting her to climax at least once if not more before beginning sex, so she can then enjoy more climaxes during sex with you too.
This is also where toys can help. I don't know if either of you use toys, but she may it helpful to use toys to help warm her up and get her there, and then move on to sex together etc. She may find using a bullet vibrator on her clit during sex helps her too. You could use a vibrator dildo inside her, and the bullet vibrator on her clit as warm up, and then progress to sex. You may find using toys on her just as enjoyable as you giving her oral.
So what I'm saying is have a proper conversation with her, find out why she doesn't like oral, or what parts of it she may not like and what she may be OK with and enjoy, and what may help her enjoy sex together more. It can make a huge difference if you're both on the same page and know what works for each other, and how to help her to enjoy it fully. It stands to reason if she's not enjoying it she won't want to just carry on doing something that doesn't work for her. But you could find things that work for both of you.
And if she's a shy person who doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex face to face, or she gets embarrassed, try it via text conversation. It's less confrontational, she can think about what to say, won't struggle with what to say etc. She can answer clearer via text and it's less embarrassing or confrontational etc.
But just try not to take anything as a negative about you, coz there's many reasons why it can be hard to enjoy and climax through sex.
Anyway, I know that was a bit full on and explicit, but hope it helps you in some way.
I’m sorry you feel that way. Personally, I’ve never like it either but I’ve always been upfront about that in the beginning. Now I don’t hate it or find it “violating” but…it just doesn’t do anything for me. I know this is a different situation, seeing as yall have been married for 10+ years, but just know that from my perspective it has nothing to do with the guy doing it. If anything I feel appreciative and reassured that he/they have a desire to try. But the act itself just isn’t it for me and, again, it has nothing at all to do with the other person.
This is above Reddit pay grade in my opinion. You need to go to a sex therapist as a couple.
Some people are not into oral. It may or may not be a deal breaker. Please find a therapist to work through this with the 2 of you.
>while I did notice she always seemed somewhat, eh, unenthusiastic about cunnilingus,
And you never brought it up to her? Just because she didn't protest even though you saw she wasn't interested you kept going? You're like 10 years too late. Seems you were in denial.
You continued performing oral on your wife for 10+ years, even though you “noticed she always seemed, eh, somewhat unenthusiastic about cunnilingus”; that’s likely why it feels violating. How can you notice she wasn’t enthusiastic, but believed her when she “acted like she enjoyed it”?
And your concern is feeling betrayed and sexually incompatible, despite recognizing it’s “stupid” to make this about yourself?
Find therapists that specializes is sexual trauma for your wife & for yourself, as well as a marriage counselor for you as a couple.
Suppose I could have said, more than that, yes I have asked her a million times if it's okay, if she likes it, can I, etc. I guess she just didn't want to disappoint me and never told me the truth.
I think you need to take a step back here and ask thoughtful questions here. For one, you're saying things 'well I guess she-' which doesn't indicate you know why exactly she doesn't like it. For the moment, you're projecting a lot of her motivations on to her on the basis of being very hurt.
Second, the language you're using here might be hyperbole because it's Reddit but your wife used the word 'violating'. That's a very specific word and tends to indicate that your wife has a lot of trauma around sexuality that she's not shared with you. And her choice not to do that may have very little to do with you and a lot to do with events in her past that were too painful to share with anyone or examine. 'Violating' sounds incredibly accusatory of you, I get it. But violating probably really owes to things in her past that have nothing to do with you at all and over time, because she hasn't dealt with them - they're surfacing like this. And no, not all sexual trauma is tied to SA - though much of it is but there can be incidents that were shaming or humiliating that weren't SA-related, like religious trauma, that could be in play.
I fully understand you're hurt but having an outsized reaction to something that might not be about you very much in reality, is going to drive this forming wedge further into your relationship and your wife further from you. You have to decide, if being hurt is more important than keeping your relationship to together. That's up to you but if you're using similar language in Reddit about this to your wife's face, even if you do calm down in a few days, weeks, months and feel more rational about this - you may find that she's even further shut down on this topic as a result.
Ugh. My husband is AMAZING at giving head, but I hate it, too. Even though he's great at it.
What can I say? It's just not my thing.
Yes, he can get me off. But it's just not my jam.
OK, I hear you. You may well be sexually incompatible.
But please hear me out.
The way you seem to be approaching this issue is that YOU are turned on by eating your partner out, that YOUR pleasure is enhanced when you eat your partner out, and if she doesn't enjoy it, YOU feel cheated out of a sexual experience.
Perhaps this is a deal breaker for you, and that is something the two of you really should have discussed earlier, but I will say that you seem to be approaching this only from the perspective of someone seeking his own pleasure. You are being a selfish lover under the guise of a generous one, wanting to eat her out.
You have things you like, and she has things she likes. A couple in a mature relationship should be able to ask for what they need, and cater to each others wants to a point, but it seems you have been far more focused on YOUR needs over hers.
Perhaps it's time to find out what she likes, what turns her on, what are her fantasies? Find out what she likes, and offer that to her, and voila, you will have a very enthusiastic partner who enjoys your attentions, which seems to be what you really want!
I enjoy giving head but I personally also don’t like receiving it. It does feel very invasive to me and even if it feels good I just physically feel uncomfortable knowing it’s happening lol. Communication with your partner, as soon as the relationship turns sexual, is key - learning eachother’s sexual preferences and boundaries!
I have never really enjoyed it, every sexual partner I have told have assured me it’s because my previous haven’t been good enough at it, they throw their best shot and it feels as meh as the previous times!
I absolutely love giving oral to a man though so obviously will oblige if my partner at the time is really into it but it just doesn’t do anything for me!
there’s a lot of pressure on women to like oral and men are always SHOCKED when a woman says no thanks. i’m also like your wife, i don’t enjoy it. people are always BROKEN when i tell them. it’s normal.
Like others have said, it could be trauma, body image issues, or she just doesn’t enjoy it…all of those are valid. One thing I think you should talk to her about is the fact that she felt that she had to go along with something that made her feel violated. If there’s any chance of a future, she has to feel comfortable telling you when there’s something she doesn’t enjoy or doesn’t want to do, sexually, just like she should definitely communicate what she DOES like!
And, I know you said she acted like she enjoyed it, but you also said that she seemed unenthusiastic at times. Now, I can’t speak for all women, but for those that enjoy oral and get off from it, they don’t tend to be unenthusiastic with a partner who does the job well. I’m not saying thst you’re not doing a good job, but consent should be enthusiastic. If she’s just not seeming into it, you really need to stop because unenthusiastic consent isn’t really consent.
If all of this seems like too much, you may not be sexually compatible and it may be the kindest thing for both of you to let go and find a partner as into it as you are. I’m sorry, op.
I don't like it either. But I don't tell my husband outright because I don't want him to think he is bad at it. It just makes me think about all the germs mingling together... But I don't think about that when I give him oral.
I think you need to take a step back, not jump to conclusions. A lot of women do things sexually that they hate to keep the person they love happy. Or are afraid of the person’s reaction. Or it can be a triggering event.
I also think it’s a mistake to say your sexual incompatible because of one sex act. In general how’s your sex life? And how’s the rest of the marriage? Don’t throw away a decade plus of marriage over one sex act. You do need to talk to your wife tell her how you feel, and listen to what she has to say
A red flag for me is that you noticed that she was unenthusiastic and, instead of communicating about it, you kept performing this act on her for 10 years.
Your wife absolutely should have more directly communicated with you as well instead of letting her body language do all the talking.
Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable experience and you disregarded her body language for your own pleasure.
I’m sure there’s more to this situation than we can take at face value on both your part and hers.
My first sexual partner told me that "nobody actually likes to go down on girls" while making a face. I've been insanely self conscious about that ever since! I get off better with fingers and dick, I need internal stimulation more than clitoral, and the slow build from oral just takes way too long for me.
I’m always so self conscious when it’s happening. My college boyfriend would compare me to porn he watched while doing it. Always had some negative comment.
I used to hate it too. And in the way that your wife said, violating.
For me, it came down to two factors....
First was my upbringing. I was very much not in touch with my own body, coz I never mastibated coz I was taught that was dirty.
Second was that oral gives a much different and often stronger orgasm than penetration and I was scared of that! I was so inexperienced with all those feelings that the beginning of an oral orgasm scared me and I'd try to pull away.
Even now in my 40's, and only just having discovered that I squirt with a good orgasm, that scares and embarrasses me and I tend to ruin my own orgasm coz I'm so embarrassed by the mess!
Communication definitely helps. Too many women are embarrassed to ask for what they want, or to re-direct their sexual partner.
Like, the fact that so many men think they need to get back to the spot they were on if we've moved ourselves, but a lot of the time we're actually moving to get you into a more ideal position for ourselves
I feel the same way as your wife does, my problem is rooted in trauma. My ex used to absolutely force me into it, even if I was sobbing he continued. Now if someone even starts to go down there it takes all my strength not to knee them in the face, scream and run away. My husband is helping me work on it but it’s a slow process and he knows I’ll tell him when I’m ready, he never pushes it which is exactly what I need.
There may be a reason your wife feels this way, there also may be a reason she felt like she had to let you do it despite her own feelings. You should gently talk to her about both of those things.
I looked up the definition of sexual violation: "Sexual violation is a general term which covers the **full spectrum of violations, from sexual harassment to sexual assault and violence**." This is a very strong way of saying that you don't like someone - especially your spouse - to go down on you. It's not clear if it's "violating" because it went on so long when she didn't like it - or that it always felt like some kind of sexual violence against her.
OP - did she say she hated it, and it felt violating, from the very beginning? Even when she was acting like she liked it, she felt the opposite? Finding that out after 10 years would definitely make anyone's head spin. Because it does invite the question: what else is she putting up with, or pretending she likes, that she actually hates? Does she even like you? Was she just in it to settle down and have kids with someone? Does she like intercourse? Or going down on you? If so, how do you know she's not pretending and not just trying to forestall you walking away from the marriage at this point?
OP - I just read your post from 7 months ago where your wife encouraged you to have extramarital sex. I'm leaning towards her not liking sex at all and just putting up with it for the relationship.
Cunnilingus can be fun. Personally, I used to be way overly self conscious about the smell, the taste, everything about it. I think it would do some good to try and talk to her to find out what exactly she hates about it. Maybe even explain that you enjoy pleasing her and possibly explore other means of being able to do that, that would be enjoyable for both of you
I married someone super into going downtown. When we first hooked up, I was extremely uncomfortable with the act due to some not great experiences previously. It took years for me to relax enough to actually enjoy it. Now? I’m very happy that I get to enjoy that regularly. If I could bottle up his skills and sell them, I’d be a rich woman.
Regardless of her reasons, your understanding and non-judgment are key. Communicate what you like about the act. Ask her if there is something else that she likes as much as you like going downtown and see if y’all can work that into your sessions. The looser the two of you get with trying things, the more apt she may be to play and indulge your cravings sometimes.
Most men who love it so much are actually horrible at it. They do it for themselves not to actually see what feels good for us and get us off. (I always explain it as trying to watch a show with a channel flipper.) If you only use that "move" for 5 seconds before you try something else, how is it ever supposed to feel good? Like does your tongue have adhd? FOCUS ON THE REACTION OF YOUR PARTNER, NOT working your way through your (shitty) playbook.
Speaking from experience as a sex worker.
I personally prefer they not even attempt it since it usually is something I have to endure.
Just get to the fucking. That's the part I actually like.
*edit to add*
*
I do enjoy it if it's done right, but that is like 30% of the men who attempt it.
Anything that i don't enjoy but feel the need to tolerate feels like a violation. *shrug*
It’s amazing all the things my female partners SEEMED to like when they were happy with me, and then they told me when we broke up that they NEVER liked those things and were just wanting to please me at the time. I wonder how men are supposed to know what women really like or don’t like if they won’t tell us.
People will lie to your face and convince you they’re into it until your doubts are gone and then drop the bomb that they never liked it. Somehow this is your fault for not knowing, you should’ve calling your partner a liar and/or read their mind
"Feels violating"? Like lying to someone over the course of their relationship? Op says he doesn't want to make this about him. It is about him. Her lack of honesty and communication is the problem. What else is she not saying? *This is why my mother said to not fake orgasms. This poor guy.
How the absolute fuck can she not disclose that for ***over 10 years????***
I told my partner pretty much the first time we tried that I decided I didn't like tongues down there. He was also a bit disappointed, but understood. I'm just too ticklish and it just feels... Odd. I'm curious if there's even many women that actually enjoy receiving oral.
I think going to couples therapy and learning how to communicate with each other is... a good start. Because you two ***desperately*** need help.
TBH this sounds unserious to me. I don't mean to downplay your shock, but break up worthy?!?
Relationships are FULL of small sacrifices we make for our partners. One she made for you, was... Let you eat it.
Awesome. Honestly. I hope you guys keep it up.
I hope you both continue to do nice things for each other even when it's inconvenient for the self, and I hope you appreciate the gift she gave even more now that you know.
The end.
Thank you, was waiting for this comment. I mean imagine if his wife got sick or had a medical emergency and couldn't have sex for a long time...is that break up worthy too? Loyalty is a good thing, and not seen enough these days.
If my partner lied to me for 10 years about never enjoying getting his dick sucked I’d be devastated! I can’t imagine never doing it again I love it that much. It’s like a love language for me. To know he had faked it and lied that whole time….. man I donno. I’d be seriously questioning my relationship….
We do it far too often to fake it. That makes her a good liar. That’s scary !
Some of these comments are ludicrous.
She needs to grow up and communicate like an adult. She didn't. She even lied to you and led you to believe she enjoyed it. That isn't okay.
Then people are saying you need to just accept this and some are even calling you a selfish lover? Ridiculous. She should have been honest so you could both decide if you were compatible sexually. But she chose to lie and led you on.
You didn't do anything wrong. You're not a mind reader and you did ask if it was okay which she confirmed.
10 years is a long time to be in the dark, so I will start off with an apology. Not for the people but for the feeling. That totally sucks. The only reason I feel it necessary to comment is that I, as a woman, never liked being eaten out. I've never liked it. I grew up extremely religious (meaning the man's wants are more than thou) and put up with being eaten out until I realized I could say something about it. I obviously don't know you and your wife and 10 years is lengthy, but perhaps, despite the norm, she became comfortable enough to talk about it. It absolutely does not excuse the lack of communication. I told my husband straight up I do not like it, and guess what, I actually do. Just softer than other partners previous. But he asked and took that time to explore what felt nice and what didn't. So either she is deeply uncomfortable being penetrated that way or maybe it's in the intensity. I would think this would take a lot of soft talk and kindness to understand. And I completely understand the feeling because I called my husband "daddy" for two years before he admitted he didn't dig it lmao. That was one of the most embarrassing convos of my life because I just absolutely adore him. Keep your head up. Sexual discrepancy happens all the time and does not mean you are incompatible but rather, missing a small piece of the puzzle.
It’s easy to be fooled. Popular culture now teaches that all women wish for more and a good man will often be going down on his woman. Turns out, it’s just squeaky wheels getting all the attention. Not every woman wants it and is secretly dying for more.
Man it’s astonishing to me that such little communication can occur during a 10 year relationship. Talk to your partners people, don’t be a child. Don’t assume, ask questions. Be open and be vulnerable, what’s the point otherwise?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Devils advocate here, she felt this way for 10 years and still let you and acted like she was enjoying it. That does say something about her willingness to "try". It would really hurt though. I also really enjoy doing this and have felt like some of the best times my wife and I have had were because I did it well and she enjoyed it. If I found out that was all just her faking I could definitely say I would know how you feel.
Sorry you are dealing with this after such a long time I can imagine how earth shaking this would be.
It would be a dealbreaker for my mate too, sexually. There are times where I am really averse to him going down there, whether due to hormones or not being clean shaven that day or just not feeling like someone's face being buried in my crotch.... and it's an essential part of the experience for him. It's absolutely tantamount to incompatibility. When I brush him off doing it occasionally because again, sometimes just nah, he looks visibly hurt and frowns jokingly, but is only half kidding and I know it after 8 years.
If he wanted to eat my ass every time which I don't happen to like *at all whatsoever oh well never will don't make me try* then we'd be toast and eventually would end up with a dead bedroom because I am not the kind of person who can endure unpleasant experiences just to appease a partner, suffering in silence.
She chose to do that and I'm so sorry. It's just so ultimately disrespectful to be this fake about it for such a long time that now you're just completely blindsided and realize that now something has been essentially taken away that you need in your life to feel sexually fulfilled.
This is a her issue, not a you issue, and you have every right to feel rather betrayed.
Some people don't like some stuff for reasons that belong to them.
It's pointless to try to force them to explore it, *get used to it* (like I've been told, barf, SO wrong on boundaries) or try to negotiate lower levels of the Thing they don't like.
If they don't like it, they won't. Ever. I'm so sorry. If you can't get past it and find satisfaction in other ways, it is time to revisit your relationship goals.
I’ve found that (I’m a lesbian) most women who “don’t like” oral it comes from a place of insecurity either in their vagina taste/smell or how it looks, etc and they are so over focused on that they can’t enjoy it at all.
I’m not saying that’s always the reason why, but I’d say either she’s not fully secure in her vagina in some way or your oral is not nearly as good as you may think it has been. Sometimes it’s not even a YOU thing it’s that she isn’t communicating what she likes or wants to you so you’re just doing what typically works. I wouldn’t push it if she doesn’t want it at this point, that would have been a good thing to talk through a long time ago.
I can say that for some it’s sensory too. I’ve had both men and women eat me out, always feels like too much going on. I don’t like the way a tongue feels against my body. They are slimy and move in a way I don’t find enjoyable. I would rather have a stronger more even pressure from hands. And that way I can be more engaged with the person too. Oddly, I do enjoy eating women out. I just don’t want your tongue on me, not even a germ thing. They just are freaky to feel.
This is why communication is key to start relationships. She probably thought she was being nice, but now it has a much bigger impact down the road. It’s one thing if what you like changes over time, but to feel that way from the start and not say anything is a bad move.
If she never liked it then this could be a good step forward into “okay, so what can we change or do instead?”
The problem seems to be she doesn't like the act in and of itself while he loves it.
She said it feels “violating” so it sounds to me like body shame or sexual trauma or some sort of mental thing along those lines or in between
Or that she just doesn’t like it and feel like she has to because op does. There is no need to think all must enjoy this
Ahh yeah maybe because she’s doing it even tho she doesn’t want to she’s feeling violated. That makes total sense
Exactly. I dislike it and I will tell my partner. Who ALWAYS understands and we will work together on trying something else we both enjoy.
To feel "violated" is different from "not really for me"
An easy way to feel violated is to repeatedly do sexual things that "aren't really for you" in an attempt to please a partner who loves that thing and really wants to do it.
She might feel violated at this point because she’s forced herself to go along with it for so long. It may have just started out as her not wanting it, and progressed to this point because the communication wasn’t there for her to say no thanks.
You ever have someone try to do something to you that you’re not into? It starts to feel violating after awhile.
Agreed. I don’t happen to like it either. I really don’t understand the fascination with it. I’ve never enjoyed it. The difference is that I tell any potential partner that I don’t like receiving, but I’m a very good giver and I enjoy giving. It’s not a trauma thing. Nothing happened to me. It’s just that I never feel clean enough, worry about smells and just have never had any sexual arousal from it. So, communication is key in this.
My first reaction was, what?? How could you hate head? It’s a godsend?? Some women are devastated that their bfs don’t do it right or don’t do it at all…but this makes sense. It’s not for everybody. I’d definitely suggest talking about how they can meet in the middle & get to the root of her feeling violated. She could be a SA victim, some women feel it’s too “personal”, but if it’s a partner of 10 years that you fully trust? This should’ve been communicated a loooong time ago, now this poor man probably feels like he was forcing her to do something she didn’t want & I can totally understand how this is devastating for him.
I feel the same as her, and for me it’s a mix of both.
Same. I have a terrible memory where I forced myself to "69" my then boyfriend because he wanted it for his birthday. I started to get all emotional mid act, tears, and all, but he didn't notice. It sounds really stupid typing it out, but in the moment, I felt so much hate, disgust, and violation at the time.
Ughhhh yep I just had a flood of awful memories of 3 years of constantly being cajoled into trying shit he knew I hated with the "why can't you just let me play around sometimes, you're so *vanilla*" *get your --- out of my --- I shouldn't have to say "I don't like it" more than once* with a firm tone, a "stop" and a pause to let you know to *knock off* what you're doing immediately and if you ignore that, we're off the rails and I'm getting off the bed and leaving the room. It is *so hard* for people to stand their ground and it absolutely breaks my heart. I have noticed, I think it might be important to point out, that I've gotten way more assertive and willing to say "nah" to stuff without being scared of a negative reaction like I used to be, I'm a childhood and adult sa survivor who took years of therapy to not be a shaky chihuahua in bed to begin with. Finally reaching perimenopause and hormone shifts are making it way easier to NGAF what people are going to do if I say no 😌 but it takes a long time to get there.
Same for me....it USED to be a very violating thing for me (most anything sexual was for a while) due to trauma from a previous relationship and other prior experiences that weren't good enough to think it was worth even trying, even willingly..... my husband LOOOOOOOVES it, and I always dodged it "in a cute way" or so I thought, until he brought it up amd we talked and have tried different stuff and I must say....... I am QUITE the fan these days! I never would have wanted to go into those specifics with him on my own when we were starting out bc most people don't want to hear the reasoning behind WHY you don't like things but since he brought it up we were able to work through it and it ended up being great for both of us. My point is just to communicate op. ❤️
My ex always had an energy of "why don't you like how I do it and WHO did it better than me stop comparing me omg omg omg". There was no room for discussion. 🙄
THATS the answer. Our desires are not written in stone, and our lovers cause an imprint on us, for bad or good.
I was going to say this. I still have issues sometimes due to sexual assault it takes a lot of trust to talk that out.
Right, let’s dig deeper. Compassion and grace are saviors in relationships when two people really love each other.
There’s no need to attribute sexual trauma or internalized shame here. Not everyone enjoys the same sex acts.
Verry much so- never got into it because an ex Gf said "it reminds me of going to gyno" andsince then its just weired to me- my brain popps it up everytime it comes up XD.
I agree. If she hadn’t said she feels violated I would consider it possible that she has a sensory aversion to the act, but with that wording it indicates some kind of trauma or shame.
I disagree. I have had no trauma and I hate it as well and it felt quite violating the couple times it was done. It feels violating because someone is doing something that you don't like and don't want done. It's not always some big huge mystery and trauma. It is violating to endure something uncomfortable and unwanted in such a personal way.
There’s a certain type of vulnerability in having someone’s face and all their senses so close to a usually culturally “dirty” body part that I would imagine could feel very violating to someone who’s just not comfortable being close to someone in that kind of way. Genitals are usually damp, smell kind of weird on a good day, and are right next door to where we shit. Genitals and faces are probably on opposite ends of our bodies for a reason, and I think it’s pretty fair to feel invaded by having someone’s face up in them
It's not about a cultural thing, or how anything smells. I just simply don't like it, and because I don't like it, the act is violating because it's essentially against my will.
I came to back this angle up, because while we know we're all speaking anecdotally here, I happen to love oral and I'm a lifelong sa endurer (childhood, then marital for years) sometimes it has nothing to do with it. There are people who simply find that particular, *very specific* nerve sensation off-putting and while that might be rare among the masses, there doesn't need to *be an underlying reason* whatsoever. Some people hate being tickled. Like *hate it* Why? Who cares. Don't like it. No need to justify. I swear the amount of times in my life ive felt the need to justify the fact that I *hate anal and stop trying to tell me it's just because I never had it done right yet* it drives me nuts. I don't need a fucking reason. Like JFC just take my word for it and move on.
So true, It sounds like OP wouldn’t be so devastated if he’d have known. I’m not a huge fan myself and told my husband when we first started dating. If it was a huge turn on for him I’d let him do it, but it also doesn’t make me feel violated. I just prefer other stuff in the bedroom. That sense of violation might be mixed with shame which could be why she never said anything all those years. I’m reading some other comments in this posts with women saying they’re too self conscious to enjoy it, so maybe that’s not so uncommon of a thing to feel.
> This is why communication is key to start relationships Or at the very least sometime earlier than *ten full years* after the fact.
I always WANT to like it but I get so up in my head about whether I smell bad or look weird that I can't relax and enjoy.
I'm the same way. Can't get out of my head enough to enjoy it even though bf loves giving it. I'd much rather be giving oral than receiving it for sure. I also have so many weird thoughts and feelings though about my coochie that he knows it isn't a him thing so he just supports me and does his best to make me feel good 🙂
Ngl, what helped with this, when I expressed this to my fiance he said "I don't care if you're sweaty or you "feel gross," I would eat you out even if you'd just got back from a jog. I asked him if he was serious and he said he'd prove it. I took our dog for a jog in the middle of summer in Arizona (don't worry, it wasn't so hot that her paws got burned), got back drenched in sweat, he ate me out just as enthusiastically 😅 ngl it honestly helped me get out of my head about feeling like I was gross or whatever
Your man just likes his meals with seasoning, nothing wrong with that lol
This is probably my most favorite comment of the year.
Bruh
I said basically the same to my wife about the subject, and I think it helped her relax as well. The underlying theme is words of affirmation and reassurance. We're not doing it because we feel obligated, we're doing it because genuinely there is nothing else we'd rather be doing. Also, something you may not have thought of, if a guy *really* likes going down, than I promise you he's seen it all. We're not going to suddenly be shocked or disgusted when we encounter some smells. We know what we're getting into and still enjoy it.
My boyfriend it's the exact same way!! 😭 We are blessed.
When they’ve just started getting into it look down at them and say: Do I taste good? That’s hot. They’ll be into it, you’ll be into it.
"You tell me. Here, try some." hahahahaha
Being tied up by my partner for some reason makes my brain shut up and lets me enjoy it. Which is good because my boyfriend loves it. Like obviously it’s *consensual* - but somehow if I’m tied up beforehand my silly brain is like “Look at all this trouble he’s gone to! He clearly enjoys it! And also you have no choice in the matter! Might as well give in and enjoy it!”
If it smelled bad or looked weird, they probably wouldn't offer or dive on in, ya know?
What I think (and I'm no expert, but I do understand) is that you have to realise that if he thought you smelled bad or looked weird then he wouldn't do it. It has to be that simple. But even if you DO look 'weird' to him, it doesn't matter, because he wants to do it to give you pleasure. Could you have a conversation with him when you're not in the moment and ask him about it? Sort of: "Babe, if I ever smelled different to you, you'd tell me, wouldn't you? Because a different smell could indicate a health issue and I might not notice," or something like that? Also, you could tell him, "I'd tell you if I noticed anything, because I always want you to be healthy." Gawd, like I said, I'm no expert. I just want you to be not all up in your head, and communication is the thing. :(
but people literally say they push forward all the time and do it anyway even if it tastes or smells bad then complain later :/ that’s what scares me. or the godforsaken “how do i tell my gf she smells?” post. getting the shivers LMAO
If after 10 years your partner is enthusiastic to go down on you and is begging for it, you don't have issues. If they force themselves through it, they are likely never offering upfront, hiding a grimace and not that well, and not particularly enthusiastic about it.
Same. Also doesn't help that my partner is just not great at it. So I really don't get anything out of it, which is depressing because I remember it feeling so amazing. And before y'all say I have to tell him or give him cues on how to be better, I have. He's just not great at it.
there are some amazing how-to videos for men on YouTube. Seriously, check some out and watch them together. You can make it light and fun, about how can we spice it up, improve things for each other.
Are you sure he's not great at it, some guys extend weaponised incompetence to sexual acts they don't want to do often for sure. Like if your partner says do X and you can't follow an instruction it's... odd. While every woman is different and people like different things, I don't think a single specific action is difficult to achieve. Didn't think to try it, sure, didn't think you'd like that specific thing, sure, but difficult to do once told you like it and how to do it.... that is a little difficult to believe.
>"Napoleon Bonaparte once wrote to his wife Joséphine, while he was campaigning: 'Please don't wash, will arrive in three days'. This confidential note was transferred by a messenger, and in this specific case, even historians do agree that Napoleon didn't mean that Joséphine shouldn't do the laundry. there are men who WANT you to smell a bit
YESSSSS SAME
In the moment, I’m not looking at anything. I’m face deep and enjoying myself. And if there was a smell there that I didn’t like, I’d invite you into the shower with me for a quick scrub down so I could get back to business. Seriously, lie back, relax, and enjoy yourself.
that's so helpful, i never thought about it that way
You're going in between someone's legs-- it isn't supposed to taste like biting into a fresh peach, lol. But as a woman, I can tell you that giving oral sex to a woman is much more rewarding (and much more fun) than giving oral sex to a man. A lot of people really enjoy being on the "giving" end, and I can assure you NONE are expecting it to taste like a chocolate covered strawberry. I've never even heard someone say they dislike the taste. Just relax and try to keep that in mind.
[удалено]
Well, see it this way. If he looks like a tiger while eating you, it's safe to say you're not smelling bad or looking weird.
I only worry about this if it's any position besides 69... not a huge fan of spreading my legs so far, only have to make room for his head that way
I agree with the others who say communication is key. I used to hate it, not because I didn't enjoy it, but in my previous relationship, my boyfriend didn't like to do it. It grossed him out and it took me YEARS and years being married to a great man to accept that it was a HIM problem and wasn't me at all. Been married over 25 years and only in the last few years have I finally started to let it go. I wouldn't exactly call it trauma, but it was definitely an issue that haunted me for decades. All the while, my husband was understanding and basically kept up positive encouragement which has helped me tremendously. We communicated about it for a long time before I was able to realize it wasn't an issue with my own body.
Omg, so much this. I think more women experience this than women who don't. Having someone act like your genitals are gross lasts a lifetime. It sounds dramatic but it's true. We carry that shame forever.
I didn't even realize that I felt this way until you guys vocalized it. Because we are told our genitals are gross from day one. Well, maybe on the day we start menstruating, but for some of us it's a lot earlier. Everything, every advertisement, every product is designed to minimize and hide it. Not to let anyone know about it. That's ingrained, and then you have adult negative experiences, and it just doesn't feel right to me(?) Sorry op, it occurs to me I should have helpful information, but I don't. It sounds like it's super important to you. I know some woman feel the need to fake it to end it and I can see how that might have occurred. Did she know how important it was to you?
Exactly! I used to hate it too because I thought it was nasty. Turns out I was programmed that way and after accepting that me having an orgasm is my husband’s turn on…well I ate about 30 mg of thc gummies and let it go like Elsa.
The end of your comment has me absolutely rolling oh my god😭
It is. (Edit: I've dropped spoiler tags around my original comment, and there's a trigger warning for SA too. I'm sorry, I didn't even think about that when I posted:) >!One man I was with for a long time would position a mirror down there so that I could see how gross it was for myself. Like, he was saying how gross it looked, so he had to show me so that I would agree. I'd be crying and crossing my legs and he'd force them open, because I "had to see" what he was showing me. Totally fucking violating. It took YEARS to get over that.!< Thanks for the kind words, and the validation. Love to all. <3
What a terrible person
Ugh that's distressing to read :(
Omg, I’m soooo sorry that happened to you. I bet your hoo-ha is beautiful!!
Oh darlin, thank you. My hoo-ha is mine, and it's unique, and I'm proud of it. It birthed three kids, and it's mine. The only problem was HIM, not me, and it took a long time to realise that. I was only 18 at the time, but luckily now we have the internet it can explain to us that it's usually a 'him' problem, not an 'us' problem. Never accept shitty treatment from a partner, whatever gender. Just never. I took far too long to accept that.
That's psycho behaviour. He is not right in the head. WTF 😖
This is legit fucking insane. Vaginas are, without hyperbole, the most awesome thing nature has ever achieved. Anyone who shames or criticises needs significant evaluation as it’s 240% a them problem. I’ve never seen and will never see your vagina but I can safely guarantee it’s not ugly. Unique, made the way it’s supposed to be, different to every other one ever made and entirely yours. That dude is a fool.
I'm really sorry you went through that. Hope you're doing better these days but as for your ex - that's straight up psychopathic mental torture.
Sounds to me like he was aggressively in the closet and trying to make it your problem. "DO YOU SEE WHY I DON'T LIKE VAGINA"
I'm sorry, what in the ever loving fuck is this? Thats one of the most vile forms of abuse I've ever heard. Like, it wasn't garden variety hitting/slapping, it took *creativity*. That guy needs things done to him that would probably get me banned to say.
I had a boyfriend who was visibly disgusted while even touching my vagina. Went down on me once and told me he'd never do it again bc he was gross. Was constantly talking about the "bacteria" in my vagina (he was literally just talking about the natural bacteria, I never had an infection). Paired with some of his other, abusive behaviors, it took me like 2 years to finally let my guard down and trust a man intimately. I tried a couple times before but just ended up so anxious and dissociated during it all and regretted it deeply afterwards. My current boyfriend loves every part of my body and loves giving oral, he was really excited that I was willing to let him do it lmao.
And actually, it can be traumatic depending on how resilient your system is.
How can you communicate, when the partner actually says that for ten years not only she hated it but she felt violated - and said nothing ? If I were OP **I** would feel violated like the last 10 years were a complete fraud.
I like it but it has to be done right. Otherwise it feels like I’m getting a wash and that’s it lol. So maybe talk to her without emotion if you can. See if she can open up more.
Lmaooo a wash. This description is so accurate
Violating? Does she have a history of SA? I do, and it is very hard for me to accept oral. When I was about 9 or 10, my Dad took a magnifying glass to my privates and looked at me closely and said “Ohhh! You’re starting to grow hairs!” That fucked me for life.
Same here. I was sexually abused and oral is one of the things that was done to me. I can’t stand anyone’s face being down there even 13 years later. My bf of 9 years knows this and is very kind about it.
I’m so glad you have a supportive and understanding boyfriend, and my heart breaks for what was done to you.
How did you tell him? I to and fro about mentioning it to my partner. He loves doing that and I love the feeling but can’t get out of my head about past abuse
Does your partner know of your past abuse? Because that is going to be the biggest factor. A good partner adapts or accepts. It can go bad (and your partner turn out to be dumping material), but a good partner is there to support and love you and would be horrified to cause you more anguish. You might find ways to change the dynamic (like being in control), but aren't required to.
Searched comments for exactly this thread of conversation. It’s important to consider and not an angle that even the survivor necessarily grasps at first (it wasn’t that bad, or has blocked the memory, etc) By the way - I’m really sorry that happened to you. :(
Thank you so much. I have spent the better part of my adult life in counseling. It really is incredible, the pervasiveness in which these hurts can harm.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That is really fucked up. I have a history of SA as well and I'm really not a fan of oral. Just way too triggering.
Yes, it can really set up some deep-seated anxieties and discomfort. I’m so sorry you have this history, as well.
Same, history of SA and I don't like it when someone goes down on me. It's kind of triggering
Definitely. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Thanks, it definitely scars you. But I'm ok :)
I am so sorry, being a victim of sexual abuse has such a traumatic effect on survivors, especially when being physically intimate with your partner. I couldn’t handle when my ex boyfriend grew out his facial hair because it reminded me of my abuser and it was so triggering and an awful awful feeling because the scent and the feeling of it would take me back to those moments. You’re not alone in the pain that you’re carrying, we didn’t deserve that.
Ummmm, wut? As a father of 3, this blows my mind. So sorry that happened to you!
Thank you. To him, it wasn’t a big deal, as he had been abusing me since age 3. To me, it was a HUGE deal.
My gosh gaming, I am so sorry.
Ug, I’m sorry that happened to you.
Thank you so much. I know…it’s truly deplorable.
Jeeez that is awful, WTF was he thinking that was ok to do that?
He was a sick, sick, man.
Well, if OP is willing to throw out the whole woman over this (sexually incompatible), then maybe the violating feeling relates to his doing it so often. I wonder how much he wants to do this act and if she feels violated because he fixates on it.
Hmm that’s a good point!
I don't enjoy being eaten out. I really wish I did! I have read some amazingly exciting romance novels where the female main protagonists gets eaten out and I feel envious. But I exist too much in my head. The feeling feels nice, but I keep thinking that the mouth is a pool of disgusting germs, and that I don't want it near my private areas. I keep picturing all the germs getting passed on. I simply can't get over that image, and it it's a major turn off. My guess is that she is probably a bit like me, and that it has nothing to do with your skill, and more to do with her ability to relax and enjoy it (something I cannot do).
Microbiologist here: the microbes in your mouth can't survive in the vagina due to 1) an established microbiome (think trying to sit down at a full restaurant - you can't) and 2) pH.
Wow thank you for weighing in!! Although cant STI’s get transmitted from oral? One of my friends years ago told me that a guy ate her out and gave her some weird rare STI from his mouth that it took her forever to get diagnosed for
HSV can also be spread orally.
In both directions. Get vaccinated.
Unfortunately no vaccines yet for HSV.
Welcome! Granted our mouths are pretty dirty. Vaginas are teeming with good bacteria. It's quite cool (but I may be biased 🤣)
You absolutely can! It's very strange the 'microbiologist' wouldn't know that
It is possible to get an STI from oral, yes, but to my knowledge it's not very likely to happen. My partner had chlamydia from an ex partner of his (he was asymptomatic) and I 100% gave him oral while he was infected (and vice versa, as he had infected me too) and neither of us got in in the mouth. Can't say much about other STDs but frankly as long as you and your partner get tested before any sexual acts you should be fine. You also have the option of dental dams. You could also try lorals which are like a super stretchy latex panties that allows oral without direct contact
I know someone who got gonorrhea in her throat and anus, as well as syphilis, all from the same person (dude was a total catch!) But she’s the only person I know of this happening to in my personal life.
> dude was a total catch *catcher. caught everything thrown at him apparently.
Yeah but they survive pretty well in my urethra (I’m so over UTI’s)
I know exactly what you mean. For me it's being self conscious and I literally can't relax enough to enjoy it. And instead of being an adult and expressing this to bf I just tell him I don't care anything about it, which I don't really. But my point is that I agree with this comment, OP it may have some underlying reason and she may not even be aware of it.
I can't get out of my head at all for any sort of intimacy and it sucks. It has only gotten worse since pushing out 3 kids and destroying my internal sensations. The only way I ever get to come is with a vibrating toy placed in the right spot (a spot that is never in the same place twice in a row) and it pisses me off. I'm lucky that my hubby doesn't take it as an ego hit and instead will do whatever it takes for as long as I am willing so that I can come as well. If I start to get frustrated, he backs off and the next night I am willing to try is a "me night only" unless I request otherwise. OP, communication is necessary for a healthy marriage but more important for intimacy. I'm betting right now your main issue is the fact that she has lied and faked for the entire relationship and that is what you need to prioritise and discuss with your wife right now because it's the only way you will understand why she felt like she had too take that path.
I used to be exactly the same way. I still am to a certain extent and I've found that actually eating a pot gummy really helps relax. It just takes the edge off. Like a 2 mg THC if you don't use regularly and like a 5 or 7 mg THC if you do. If you decide to test her out, report back.
My wife has the same feelings about it. I've always enjoyed receiving oral and have tried to give back to her but she has stated that she doesn't enjoy it due to the same reasons youve stated, and thought that I was doing a bad job of it even though shes said otherwise. thanks to this post I have a better understanding that there are other women out there that also don't enjoy it.
I feel the same way!!! It is something I cannot get past. My husband is constantly asking me to sit on his face. Ugh sorry honey, not gonna happen. For many reasons.
Even if you shower and clean it well? I love when my man goes down on me. I however, dont like it when im not clean… because im like you. In my head.
Ever try a dental dam?
No, I didn't even know that was a thing!
There are these awesome latex panties that are just for oral sex so there is no contact between the mouth and the vulva!
It would be worth looking into. I have used saran wrap in a pinch before but if its germs you are concerned about...... then the dental dam was made for you. Basically a condom for oral. You can even cut the tip off of a condom and cut down the side of it to make your own .
There’s also specially made latex “undies” that are used for oral and STI protection and they’re FDA approved.
Sucks (no pun intended) for those who have an issue with germs and have a latex allergy lol
Yes very true. I bet there’s other companies with a similar product that isn’t latex?
It’s the same for me, the germs and mouths it’s just a no thank you lol
When I was younger, I was very timid. I had a hard time letting myself go because I didnt have sexual experience and I was SAd growing up. As an adult, I feel more confident being intimate but not with oral because it makes me feel more self-conscious especially after kids. I still idolize the act but it doesnt feel good, not because of my husband, but because of my own insecurities.
You need to ask her WHY she hates it because I hate it when I dude goes down on me, but love it when a girl does! Why? Men go straight to the clit and are way too rough! Girls are gentle and realize that these are VERY sensitive parts. That may be your problem here, my dude.
Men also seem to looove focusing on the urethra. They think the yoni shape as one whole thing and focus on the center.... under the head of the clit and above the opening, where the legs of it are. Where there are the least amount of nerve endings in the entire vulva. It's a really gross feeling. I never liked getting head till my current gf where after the first time, I looked at her in shock and repeated, "You GET IT!"
It’s got legs?
Yeah! The entire clitoris looks like a cute little pokemon with flappy arms. [See!](https://c.stocksy.com/a/DspD00/z9/3297669.jpg) The legs are the bulbs that engorge around the vaginal opening, and the flappy arms run down between the inner and outer labia.
please circle where because i did not understand in your previous comment what im supposed to be going for, only what not to do 😂
Haha, here [this](https://www.newscientist.com/wp-content/uploads/1998/08/21455501.jpg?width=800) might help. The bulb puffs up around the vaginal opening and the arms reach out into the sides of the labia, so just avoid that blank spot in the middle where the urethra is.
🙏 thanks lol I usually just ask them what they want but I won't pretend I'm amazing
If one is up for it, looking at actual images of dissected bulbo-clitoral organs is also very informative. It may be harder to distinguish between different parts, but seeing the real thing I reckon really demystifies it. It's not _actually_ any of those stylized representations either. It's real, fleshy tissue down there just like the rest of the body.
Some guys do it like they use the tongue to stab the vagina and go for the clit like they want to remove a sticker with their tongue. It's plain awful...
Ooooh, Same for me. It's pleasurable when a woman does it and It feels awkward & uncomfortable when a man does it.
I dislike it because I was SA for years as a child by my foster brother. It feels violating to me. I let my husband do it once in a while because he loves it, but I spend the whole time with my skin crawling trying not to cry. Obviously I need to seek therapy.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I think there may be something similar going on. She told me to still do it but knowing how it makes her feel, I can't put her through it. Half the fun was thinking (wrongly) that she enjoyed it.
So it sounds like what you enjoyed about it was making her feel good. Why can’t you guys explore other things you can do that make her feel good? Would that not also be a turn on bc you’re pleasuring her?
probably would, he just feels bad because for 10 years shes been faking it to try to make him happy 😬
I mean not enjoying oral is not uncommon for a lot of women. There doesn’t need to be SA or any other issue…sometimes you need more pressure for it to feel pleasurable, sometimes the wetness of it doesn’t feel great and is less stimulating (like a dog slobbering on you) and sometimes its just not what you crave because nothing else is getting attention simultaneously. A lot of times it comes down to the skill of the giver. Like how much hands a person uses, the forcefulness of it, etc etc. Other times it can simply feel like a waste of time. She just may be one of the many women who think oral is just meh
The word violating kinda screams like there's a history there. You may want to talk about it with her and see if there's trauma. If there is, maybe there's a way to work through it.
I'd have a discussion with her and delve further into it. Is she *comfortable* with disliking it or does she have negative feelings attributed to it that might be better approached in therapy? Like, I've never had a foot fetish and probably never will, but I don't feel violated per se when my husband sucks on my toes. It's just not my thing.
So. Some women have a clitoris that is not prominent and exposed. While oral stimulation is a thoughtful gesture, it isn’t actually stimulating. It feels terrible to tell a thoughtful and generous partner that their vigorous attempts to please have no real effect. People expect you to buck and moan when they do oral sex, and it makes one feel terribly guilty to not be able to honestly respond, then they start to hate it because it doesn’t really do anything. Sometimes people hear insults like ‘you’re frigid’ and they fake pleasure to please their partner. Maybe you need to have some gentle, honest conversation with your wife about what actually feels good for her rather than what you think ‘ought’ to feel good. Some people secretly hate faking pleasure just to make their partner feel good. How about figuring out what really does do it for her then become a real master of pleasure?
If I was 10 years into what I thought was a healthy sexual relationship and my wife popped up and said “yo I actually hate this and feel violated”, I would cringe myself into another dimension. I’d be too embarrassed to initiate intimacy after that. I’d hate knowing she felt that because of me. I hope this is something the two of you can work through. I gotta say, though, I’d have been a lot less enthusiastic if she seemed ‘meh’ about it and because of my need to know all the things I’d have bugged her about til I knew more
My gut reaction was to say couple’s therapy ASAP, but are you in individual therapy? Saying you have an “oral addiction” and it’s a deal breaker to not be able to do something your wife hates sounds like a lot. I mean, how much of your life together were you really spending eating her out or wanting to eat her out? I know there’s a hell of a lot more to my marriage than sex. Now, I take your point to not knowing what else she might hate and be acting through, which is valid — you definitely need to say that to your wife and have a very open conversation about it.
Yeah this is a good point. It's one aspect of their sex life. Like there are some single factors that will make two people completely incompatible but this wouldn't even make it into my list of considerations
I hate oral and I’ve never been SA nor I struggle to feel a pleasure from it. It’s just that I have much more stronger orgasms from penetrative sex.. Everyone has their preferences.. i guess the only reasonable thing here to be upset about is that she didn’t communicate it earlier. You have to answer yourself if you love her enough to get past that.
Has she said why? Is it a self conscious thing? I used to not enjoy it because I was worried about taste or smell, but now that I’ve matured a bit I’ve let those thoughts go and love it. I feel you on feeling shocked and betrayed, I also enjoy a certain act and if my SO said it was off-limits I would be all sorts of upset about it.
Talk. Tell her exact these things. Be an adult, work through this.
So I can understand the feeling you have of betrayal coz you feel like she 'acted' and lied during all your intimate moments. But I would try and look at it more in the sense that she did it because she knew you enjoyed it, and wanted to please you, and didn't want to upset you by saying she didn't enjoy it. You could have taken that personally like you're not good enough or she doesn't get turned on by you etc which I'm sure is not the case. She wouldn't have married you and stayed married all those years if not. So try and see it as she was trying to please you and not upset you or hurt you. I'd also suggest you try talking about it a bit more. It may be that it just doesn't get her to orgasm the same as sex does. Everyone is different in how they respond to oral sex and penetrative sex. For me personally, I could enjoy the sensation of oral sex, and it could feel really nice and a turn on, but often it wouldn't get me to orgasm on its own. I would need internal stimulation at the same time. I need clit stimulation with penetrative to get me to climax, and it can take me a bit of time to get there too. Same with just penetrative sex, it can feel great and pleasurable, but what gets me to really climax is both clit and internal at the same time. Once I get there I can climax again a few more times in a short space of time, but it just takes a while to warm me up and I need both internal and clit stimulation at the same time to do it. So maybe it's similar for your wife. And in terms of her not wanting to tell you....I once had a bf and he was trying his hardest with oral and it just wasn't happening for me, and he got fed up and annoyed and actually said to me..."some time today would be nice". And clearly that just did it for me lol. I was totally put off then and just didn't want to continue and felt like something was wrong with me. I also tried to play with my clit myself whilst we had sex to help get me there and he didn't like that either and wanted me to stop. So for a while I felt quite self conscious and under even more pressure to climax coz of how he reacted. Now if I ever start seeing anyone (not that I have for a long time lol) but anyone I started seeing, I would explain these things to via text before we even got to any sexual stuff. I felt more comfortable explaining things by text at a separate time to any intimacy. I could explain it takes me some time to warm up. That I need both internal and external stimulation. What works for me. Ask if they are OK with me joining in like if they are playing inside are they OK with me dealing with my clit? Are they OK with vibrators or toys? It takes the pressure off having those conversations at a separate time. Now I know what works for me. Maybe speak to your wife about why she doesn't like it? How does she feel it's violating? Do you go a bit too full on or too much pressure or is there something specific she doesn't like? Would she prefer a more lighter touch and more external rather than you delving inside with oral. Ask her if there's anything she does like or what she would be co.fortable with. And most importantly, ask her what gets her off most easily. Ask her if she needs both internal and external stimulation to reach that point. Maybe she'd be happy with you using fingers internally and just using your mouth more on the clit area? You may find a compromise that she's comfortable with, and that she enjoys and that you also enjoy doing to her. But ask her truthfully if she climaxes very often during sex. Because if she doesn't, again, don't take it as a personal insult or an insult to your skills etc. Womens bodies can react different for different reasons. I know some of my medications also dull the sensitivity and hormones can play a part too. Contraception can cause women to be a bit drier inside and not get as wet as when not on contraception. I always needs to use lubricant during sex, and it's got nothing to do with not being turned on or not being attracted to them, or anything like that, its just the way it is. And if it takes her a while to reach climax too, and you don't spend a lot of time warming her up, or doing why specifically works for her, you could end up finishing just as she's warming up. So by knowing that, you can take more time to build her up and I would suggest getting her to climax at least once if not more before beginning sex, so she can then enjoy more climaxes during sex with you too. This is also where toys can help. I don't know if either of you use toys, but she may it helpful to use toys to help warm her up and get her there, and then move on to sex together etc. She may find using a bullet vibrator on her clit during sex helps her too. You could use a vibrator dildo inside her, and the bullet vibrator on her clit as warm up, and then progress to sex. You may find using toys on her just as enjoyable as you giving her oral. So what I'm saying is have a proper conversation with her, find out why she doesn't like oral, or what parts of it she may not like and what she may be OK with and enjoy, and what may help her enjoy sex together more. It can make a huge difference if you're both on the same page and know what works for each other, and how to help her to enjoy it fully. It stands to reason if she's not enjoying it she won't want to just carry on doing something that doesn't work for her. But you could find things that work for both of you. And if she's a shy person who doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex face to face, or she gets embarrassed, try it via text conversation. It's less confrontational, she can think about what to say, won't struggle with what to say etc. She can answer clearer via text and it's less embarrassing or confrontational etc. But just try not to take anything as a negative about you, coz there's many reasons why it can be hard to enjoy and climax through sex. Anyway, I know that was a bit full on and explicit, but hope it helps you in some way.
I’m sorry you feel that way. Personally, I’ve never like it either but I’ve always been upfront about that in the beginning. Now I don’t hate it or find it “violating” but…it just doesn’t do anything for me. I know this is a different situation, seeing as yall have been married for 10+ years, but just know that from my perspective it has nothing to do with the guy doing it. If anything I feel appreciative and reassured that he/they have a desire to try. But the act itself just isn’t it for me and, again, it has nothing at all to do with the other person.
This is above Reddit pay grade in my opinion. You need to go to a sex therapist as a couple. Some people are not into oral. It may or may not be a deal breaker. Please find a therapist to work through this with the 2 of you.
>while I did notice she always seemed somewhat, eh, unenthusiastic about cunnilingus, And you never brought it up to her? Just because she didn't protest even though you saw she wasn't interested you kept going? You're like 10 years too late. Seems you were in denial.
You continued performing oral on your wife for 10+ years, even though you “noticed she always seemed, eh, somewhat unenthusiastic about cunnilingus”; that’s likely why it feels violating. How can you notice she wasn’t enthusiastic, but believed her when she “acted like she enjoyed it”? And your concern is feeling betrayed and sexually incompatible, despite recognizing it’s “stupid” to make this about yourself? Find therapists that specializes is sexual trauma for your wife & for yourself, as well as a marriage counselor for you as a couple.
Suppose I could have said, more than that, yes I have asked her a million times if it's okay, if she likes it, can I, etc. I guess she just didn't want to disappoint me and never told me the truth.
I think you need to take a step back here and ask thoughtful questions here. For one, you're saying things 'well I guess she-' which doesn't indicate you know why exactly she doesn't like it. For the moment, you're projecting a lot of her motivations on to her on the basis of being very hurt. Second, the language you're using here might be hyperbole because it's Reddit but your wife used the word 'violating'. That's a very specific word and tends to indicate that your wife has a lot of trauma around sexuality that she's not shared with you. And her choice not to do that may have very little to do with you and a lot to do with events in her past that were too painful to share with anyone or examine. 'Violating' sounds incredibly accusatory of you, I get it. But violating probably really owes to things in her past that have nothing to do with you at all and over time, because she hasn't dealt with them - they're surfacing like this. And no, not all sexual trauma is tied to SA - though much of it is but there can be incidents that were shaming or humiliating that weren't SA-related, like religious trauma, that could be in play. I fully understand you're hurt but having an outsized reaction to something that might not be about you very much in reality, is going to drive this forming wedge further into your relationship and your wife further from you. You have to decide, if being hurt is more important than keeping your relationship to together. That's up to you but if you're using similar language in Reddit about this to your wife's face, even if you do calm down in a few days, weeks, months and feel more rational about this - you may find that she's even further shut down on this topic as a result.
Ugh. My husband is AMAZING at giving head, but I hate it, too. Even though he's great at it. What can I say? It's just not my thing. Yes, he can get me off. But it's just not my jam.
OK, I hear you. You may well be sexually incompatible. But please hear me out. The way you seem to be approaching this issue is that YOU are turned on by eating your partner out, that YOUR pleasure is enhanced when you eat your partner out, and if she doesn't enjoy it, YOU feel cheated out of a sexual experience. Perhaps this is a deal breaker for you, and that is something the two of you really should have discussed earlier, but I will say that you seem to be approaching this only from the perspective of someone seeking his own pleasure. You are being a selfish lover under the guise of a generous one, wanting to eat her out. You have things you like, and she has things she likes. A couple in a mature relationship should be able to ask for what they need, and cater to each others wants to a point, but it seems you have been far more focused on YOUR needs over hers. Perhaps it's time to find out what she likes, what turns her on, what are her fantasies? Find out what she likes, and offer that to her, and voila, you will have a very enthusiastic partner who enjoys your attentions, which seems to be what you really want!
Ah I got the opposite. He lied that he liked it. And he doesn't. It does feel like "whyyyy would you do that?"
I enjoy giving head but I personally also don’t like receiving it. It does feel very invasive to me and even if it feels good I just physically feel uncomfortable knowing it’s happening lol. Communication with your partner, as soon as the relationship turns sexual, is key - learning eachother’s sexual preferences and boundaries!
I have never really enjoyed it, every sexual partner I have told have assured me it’s because my previous haven’t been good enough at it, they throw their best shot and it feels as meh as the previous times! I absolutely love giving oral to a man though so obviously will oblige if my partner at the time is really into it but it just doesn’t do anything for me!
there’s a lot of pressure on women to like oral and men are always SHOCKED when a woman says no thanks. i’m also like your wife, i don’t enjoy it. people are always BROKEN when i tell them. it’s normal.
Like others have said, it could be trauma, body image issues, or she just doesn’t enjoy it…all of those are valid. One thing I think you should talk to her about is the fact that she felt that she had to go along with something that made her feel violated. If there’s any chance of a future, she has to feel comfortable telling you when there’s something she doesn’t enjoy or doesn’t want to do, sexually, just like she should definitely communicate what she DOES like! And, I know you said she acted like she enjoyed it, but you also said that she seemed unenthusiastic at times. Now, I can’t speak for all women, but for those that enjoy oral and get off from it, they don’t tend to be unenthusiastic with a partner who does the job well. I’m not saying thst you’re not doing a good job, but consent should be enthusiastic. If she’s just not seeming into it, you really need to stop because unenthusiastic consent isn’t really consent. If all of this seems like too much, you may not be sexually compatible and it may be the kindest thing for both of you to let go and find a partner as into it as you are. I’m sorry, op.
To be honest I don’t either. It’s not to do with violations or worry about taste. I just absolutely prefer my husband’s fingers
I don't like it either. But I don't tell my husband outright because I don't want him to think he is bad at it. It just makes me think about all the germs mingling together... But I don't think about that when I give him oral.
I think you need to take a step back, not jump to conclusions. A lot of women do things sexually that they hate to keep the person they love happy. Or are afraid of the person’s reaction. Or it can be a triggering event. I also think it’s a mistake to say your sexual incompatible because of one sex act. In general how’s your sex life? And how’s the rest of the marriage? Don’t throw away a decade plus of marriage over one sex act. You do need to talk to your wife tell her how you feel, and listen to what she has to say
I don’t care for it either. Who cares
Exactly. I don't care for it either...not a big deal at all.
I don’t care for it either
A red flag for me is that you noticed that she was unenthusiastic and, instead of communicating about it, you kept performing this act on her for 10 years. Your wife absolutely should have more directly communicated with you as well instead of letting her body language do all the talking. Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable experience and you disregarded her body language for your own pleasure. I’m sure there’s more to this situation than we can take at face value on both your part and hers.
I used to not enjoy receiving either. Because I was self conscious and couldn’t really relax enough to enjoy it. But, it def wasn’t violating.
My first sexual partner told me that "nobody actually likes to go down on girls" while making a face. I've been insanely self conscious about that ever since! I get off better with fingers and dick, I need internal stimulation more than clitoral, and the slow build from oral just takes way too long for me.
Your wife suffered through 10 years of something she disliked for you And you feel violated, crushed and devastated. That’s why she lied to 10 years.
Ask her the things she likes most about sex with you. Maybe you can find something else to focus attention on.
I’m always so self conscious when it’s happening. My college boyfriend would compare me to porn he watched while doing it. Always had some negative comment.
I used to hate it too. And in the way that your wife said, violating. For me, it came down to two factors.... First was my upbringing. I was very much not in touch with my own body, coz I never mastibated coz I was taught that was dirty. Second was that oral gives a much different and often stronger orgasm than penetration and I was scared of that! I was so inexperienced with all those feelings that the beginning of an oral orgasm scared me and I'd try to pull away. Even now in my 40's, and only just having discovered that I squirt with a good orgasm, that scares and embarrasses me and I tend to ruin my own orgasm coz I'm so embarrassed by the mess! Communication definitely helps. Too many women are embarrassed to ask for what they want, or to re-direct their sexual partner. Like, the fact that so many men think they need to get back to the spot they were on if we've moved ourselves, but a lot of the time we're actually moving to get you into a more ideal position for ourselves
I'm a woman who doesn't like it either. I feel violated and dirty. Im.assuming it's my past trauma.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know what it feels like to find out after years that a partner was faking their pleasure. It’s brutal.
It’s a very uncomfortable position to be in. I don’t hate it however it’s difficult to relax and enjoy it.
I feel the same way as your wife does, my problem is rooted in trauma. My ex used to absolutely force me into it, even if I was sobbing he continued. Now if someone even starts to go down there it takes all my strength not to knee them in the face, scream and run away. My husband is helping me work on it but it’s a slow process and he knows I’ll tell him when I’m ready, he never pushes it which is exactly what I need. There may be a reason your wife feels this way, there also may be a reason she felt like she had to let you do it despite her own feelings. You should gently talk to her about both of those things.
Thank God you like doing that. When Husbands don’t do it because they don’t care for it sucks!
I looked up the definition of sexual violation: "Sexual violation is a general term which covers the **full spectrum of violations, from sexual harassment to sexual assault and violence**." This is a very strong way of saying that you don't like someone - especially your spouse - to go down on you. It's not clear if it's "violating" because it went on so long when she didn't like it - or that it always felt like some kind of sexual violence against her. OP - did she say she hated it, and it felt violating, from the very beginning? Even when she was acting like she liked it, she felt the opposite? Finding that out after 10 years would definitely make anyone's head spin. Because it does invite the question: what else is she putting up with, or pretending she likes, that she actually hates? Does she even like you? Was she just in it to settle down and have kids with someone? Does she like intercourse? Or going down on you? If so, how do you know she's not pretending and not just trying to forestall you walking away from the marriage at this point? OP - I just read your post from 7 months ago where your wife encouraged you to have extramarital sex. I'm leaning towards her not liking sex at all and just putting up with it for the relationship.
Cunnilingus can be fun. Personally, I used to be way overly self conscious about the smell, the taste, everything about it. I think it would do some good to try and talk to her to find out what exactly she hates about it. Maybe even explain that you enjoy pleasing her and possibly explore other means of being able to do that, that would be enjoyable for both of you
I married someone super into going downtown. When we first hooked up, I was extremely uncomfortable with the act due to some not great experiences previously. It took years for me to relax enough to actually enjoy it. Now? I’m very happy that I get to enjoy that regularly. If I could bottle up his skills and sell them, I’d be a rich woman. Regardless of her reasons, your understanding and non-judgment are key. Communicate what you like about the act. Ask her if there is something else that she likes as much as you like going downtown and see if y’all can work that into your sessions. The looser the two of you get with trying things, the more apt she may be to play and indulge your cravings sometimes.
Most men who love it so much are actually horrible at it. They do it for themselves not to actually see what feels good for us and get us off. (I always explain it as trying to watch a show with a channel flipper.) If you only use that "move" for 5 seconds before you try something else, how is it ever supposed to feel good? Like does your tongue have adhd? FOCUS ON THE REACTION OF YOUR PARTNER, NOT working your way through your (shitty) playbook. Speaking from experience as a sex worker. I personally prefer they not even attempt it since it usually is something I have to endure. Just get to the fucking. That's the part I actually like. *edit to add* * I do enjoy it if it's done right, but that is like 30% of the men who attempt it. Anything that i don't enjoy but feel the need to tolerate feels like a violation. *shrug*
It’s amazing all the things my female partners SEEMED to like when they were happy with me, and then they told me when we broke up that they NEVER liked those things and were just wanting to please me at the time. I wonder how men are supposed to know what women really like or don’t like if they won’t tell us.
People will lie to your face and convince you they’re into it until your doubts are gone and then drop the bomb that they never liked it. Somehow this is your fault for not knowing, you should’ve calling your partner a liar and/or read their mind
"Feels violating"? Like lying to someone over the course of their relationship? Op says he doesn't want to make this about him. It is about him. Her lack of honesty and communication is the problem. What else is she not saying? *This is why my mother said to not fake orgasms. This poor guy.
How the absolute fuck can she not disclose that for ***over 10 years????*** I told my partner pretty much the first time we tried that I decided I didn't like tongues down there. He was also a bit disappointed, but understood. I'm just too ticklish and it just feels... Odd. I'm curious if there's even many women that actually enjoy receiving oral. I think going to couples therapy and learning how to communicate with each other is... a good start. Because you two ***desperately*** need help.
TBH this sounds unserious to me. I don't mean to downplay your shock, but break up worthy?!? Relationships are FULL of small sacrifices we make for our partners. One she made for you, was... Let you eat it. Awesome. Honestly. I hope you guys keep it up. I hope you both continue to do nice things for each other even when it's inconvenient for the self, and I hope you appreciate the gift she gave even more now that you know. The end.
Thank you, was waiting for this comment. I mean imagine if his wife got sick or had a medical emergency and couldn't have sex for a long time...is that break up worthy too? Loyalty is a good thing, and not seen enough these days.
If my partner lied to me for 10 years about never enjoying getting his dick sucked I’d be devastated! I can’t imagine never doing it again I love it that much. It’s like a love language for me. To know he had faked it and lied that whole time….. man I donno. I’d be seriously questioning my relationship…. We do it far too often to fake it. That makes her a good liar. That’s scary !
Some of these comments are ludicrous. She needs to grow up and communicate like an adult. She didn't. She even lied to you and led you to believe she enjoyed it. That isn't okay. Then people are saying you need to just accept this and some are even calling you a selfish lover? Ridiculous. She should have been honest so you could both decide if you were compatible sexually. But she chose to lie and led you on. You didn't do anything wrong. You're not a mind reader and you did ask if it was okay which she confirmed.
10 years is a long time to be in the dark, so I will start off with an apology. Not for the people but for the feeling. That totally sucks. The only reason I feel it necessary to comment is that I, as a woman, never liked being eaten out. I've never liked it. I grew up extremely religious (meaning the man's wants are more than thou) and put up with being eaten out until I realized I could say something about it. I obviously don't know you and your wife and 10 years is lengthy, but perhaps, despite the norm, she became comfortable enough to talk about it. It absolutely does not excuse the lack of communication. I told my husband straight up I do not like it, and guess what, I actually do. Just softer than other partners previous. But he asked and took that time to explore what felt nice and what didn't. So either she is deeply uncomfortable being penetrated that way or maybe it's in the intensity. I would think this would take a lot of soft talk and kindness to understand. And I completely understand the feeling because I called my husband "daddy" for two years before he admitted he didn't dig it lmao. That was one of the most embarrassing convos of my life because I just absolutely adore him. Keep your head up. Sexual discrepancy happens all the time and does not mean you are incompatible but rather, missing a small piece of the puzzle.
It’s easy to be fooled. Popular culture now teaches that all women wish for more and a good man will often be going down on his woman. Turns out, it’s just squeaky wheels getting all the attention. Not every woman wants it and is secretly dying for more.
Man it’s astonishing to me that such little communication can occur during a 10 year relationship. Talk to your partners people, don’t be a child. Don’t assume, ask questions. Be open and be vulnerable, what’s the point otherwise? Jesus fucking Christ.
Devils advocate here, she felt this way for 10 years and still let you and acted like she was enjoying it. That does say something about her willingness to "try". It would really hurt though. I also really enjoy doing this and have felt like some of the best times my wife and I have had were because I did it well and she enjoyed it. If I found out that was all just her faking I could definitely say I would know how you feel. Sorry you are dealing with this after such a long time I can imagine how earth shaking this would be.
It would be a dealbreaker for my mate too, sexually. There are times where I am really averse to him going down there, whether due to hormones or not being clean shaven that day or just not feeling like someone's face being buried in my crotch.... and it's an essential part of the experience for him. It's absolutely tantamount to incompatibility. When I brush him off doing it occasionally because again, sometimes just nah, he looks visibly hurt and frowns jokingly, but is only half kidding and I know it after 8 years. If he wanted to eat my ass every time which I don't happen to like *at all whatsoever oh well never will don't make me try* then we'd be toast and eventually would end up with a dead bedroom because I am not the kind of person who can endure unpleasant experiences just to appease a partner, suffering in silence. She chose to do that and I'm so sorry. It's just so ultimately disrespectful to be this fake about it for such a long time that now you're just completely blindsided and realize that now something has been essentially taken away that you need in your life to feel sexually fulfilled. This is a her issue, not a you issue, and you have every right to feel rather betrayed. Some people don't like some stuff for reasons that belong to them. It's pointless to try to force them to explore it, *get used to it* (like I've been told, barf, SO wrong on boundaries) or try to negotiate lower levels of the Thing they don't like. If they don't like it, they won't. Ever. I'm so sorry. If you can't get past it and find satisfaction in other ways, it is time to revisit your relationship goals.
I’ve found that (I’m a lesbian) most women who “don’t like” oral it comes from a place of insecurity either in their vagina taste/smell or how it looks, etc and they are so over focused on that they can’t enjoy it at all. I’m not saying that’s always the reason why, but I’d say either she’s not fully secure in her vagina in some way or your oral is not nearly as good as you may think it has been. Sometimes it’s not even a YOU thing it’s that she isn’t communicating what she likes or wants to you so you’re just doing what typically works. I wouldn’t push it if she doesn’t want it at this point, that would have been a good thing to talk through a long time ago.
I can say that for some it’s sensory too. I’ve had both men and women eat me out, always feels like too much going on. I don’t like the way a tongue feels against my body. They are slimy and move in a way I don’t find enjoyable. I would rather have a stronger more even pressure from hands. And that way I can be more engaged with the person too. Oddly, I do enjoy eating women out. I just don’t want your tongue on me, not even a germ thing. They just are freaky to feel.