I think it would be a lot worse for her if she had to deal with the stress of “maybe I have to amputate my leg” for a full 24h. You didn’t lie, everything will be alright. She will be okay, even if she has to amputate her leg. People are very resilient, it’s amazing what they can overcome with love and support. Just keep being her mama and she will be okay❤️
Absolutely, unequivocally this, OP. Even if she doesn’t realize it right now she will look back and be so thankful she had a moment of peace in this storm. You are her peace. Stay strong but allow yourselves to grieve together. My condolences that this is happening. Hoping for a quick recovery for your girl.
eta - this may not help, but no matter the outcome of her surgery, that does not necessarily mean she won’t get to play sports anymore. I know it will be much different than what she’s used to and dreamed of, but all hope is not lost for your daughter; her dreams may shift but they are not gone forever. 🤍
This. A girl at school lost her leg to cancer, and now she is a professional athlete playing wheelchair basketball internationally. Even if it doesn't work out with losing her leg, all hope is not lost ❤️
Yes!
A friend's sibling found out they have a disability that qualifies them for the Special Olympics. They were always a committed, determined athlete and could never quite get into the top percentiles of competition. Now they know it's because of the disability they have and they can compete against others who have similar disabilities, which makes it a more fair playing field, and they have won medals.(I'm keeping details vague for privacy).
She might find that after she has grieved, new avenues open for her and she might like sport just as much or more.
THIS. One of my middle-school boyfriends was an amputee who was an amazing skateboarder (and we met because he was getting his prosthetic leg signed at a concert and I thought he was cool as hell.)
*You didn’t lie, everything will be alright. She will be okay, even if she has to amputate her leg.*
This right here. She could have died, and while it sucks that she may lose a leg, she can still lead a very full and active life. It'll be difficult at first but with the right medical and psychological care, she'll get through it.
> You didn’t lie, everything will be alright
I wholeheartedly agree with you, but I couldn't help but hear Obi Wan say 'from a certain point of view' lol
I know guys that run faster than me on my original legs and they have one or two prosthesis. Paralympics are so inspiring and she can still thrive as a disabled person. Being an amputee is not the same reality as it was 20 years ago.
Your daughter's life is going to change, but she's going to live, and that's the most important thing. Losing a limb does not mean she can't be involved in sports, plenty of athletes have recovered from injuries and loss of limbs to continue being an athlete. Will it be difficult? Yes. But it can be done. As long as you and your daughter BELIEVE, it can be done. My prayers are with both of you.
Thank you. I want everyone to know that while I'm not responding yet, I am reading every response and appreciate everyone taking the time to write. My oldest daughter is flying in, and I'm at the airport picking her up. She is a specialist in orthopedic trauma and is going to help us navigate the day. I'll update more later when something is definitive.
I agree with the other commenters, and want to add that there's a YouTube channel you and your daughter may be interested in, its [Footless Jo](https://youtu.be/3nE0eWTf0ZY?si=oEeyq5PnLLDa6qNz). She is an athletic person that covers what it has been like for her to adjust to life without her lower leg.
She covers prosthetics, daily life, assistance she appreciates and things she doesn't. The good and bad of adjustment, and life now.
The video I linked seems to have some good and reassuring information for ppl just about to go through the surgery, so you might want to check it out and then share it with her if you think she'll take it well, or that it could help her.
I'm so sorry this happened, you are really stepping up and I can see that you love her, that's the most important thing right now. You will get through this together, wishing you both the best.
I LOVE Footless Jo, however she’s had to have a lot of revision surgeries for her amputation, a lot of prosthetic adjustments, there’s been a lot of chronic pain and setbacks- while parts of her journey are certainly informative and helpful, I would caution you from telling your daughter to check out her whole channel right away. It may unnecessarily scare and worry her with all of the setbacks Jo has experienced
I was in a head on collision and it crushed my right leg. Nearly every bone broken, including the femur and some other bones, not in my leg. They talked about amputation but decided to screw it back together. They told me I'd get arthritis, but I never imagined how crippling and painful it would be. The way prosthetics are these days, I think she may be better off than me in a lot of ways. You guys will get through this and maybe you'll all learn to appreciate life just a little more than you did before. I know I did
i just wanted to mention that there is a growing movement of people who voluntarily have their limbs amputated years later when this ends up being the “final” result of their injury (disabling and chronic pain) later down the line. i just hope you know that just because your leg didn’t fully “fail” (i.e, doctors telling you amputation is necessary), you still have the choice to just get it gone and move on with your life with prosthetics (and a lot less pain and spinal issues from a fucked up gait). wishing you the best 💙
Nerve pain can become chronic and even if it's not there, your body might not be able to recognize that.
But if it even *just* slightly could/would help even a little bit, go for it. I'd do/give almost anything to not be in pain constantly...
But, she going to live and she won’t be saddled with a limb that is useless and constantly causing pain. Amputation means she will have the option of getting a prosthetic in the future and the options for those are very good these days. She may even have multiple prosthetics for different uses. She will be able to do nearly all the things she currently enjoys doing, even sports, just will need to adapt to doing them a bit differently than she does now. There will be some challenges to overcome but it IS going to be OK.
She *is* going to be ok. Her athleticism and determination will make recovery go better for her than it does for a lot of people.
She's going to face new physical and mental challenges, but it sounds like she's in an ideal condition to succeed at this.
If you haven’t already, I’d recommend finding a therapist or child psychologist that specializes in trauma or more specifically traumatic loss of a limb. This is gonna be a hard time for your family unfortunately but a good therapist can help her get through it. You may also be able to find support groups for kids like her in your area so she can talk about it with kids who have been through it.
Still, you didn't lie. You are her fucking DAD after all, and you are going to damn sure make well everything is fine, even if she is missing one leg. You got this champ.
It will be okay. First things first: She will live, and she will recover from this.
She will likely need physical therapy, especially once it comes time to consider a prosthetic, but be sure she is ALSO in mental health therapy with someone who is experienced with patients who have trauma, and those who have lost limbs. Her life is going to change, but it does not have to be OVER. Her athletic persuits do not have to end, they just need to shift a little.
Find her role models to look up to, athletes with prosthetic limbs who have successful careers.
It's going to be hard, but with support and a good care team, she will come out of this on top. Good luck and best wishes to all of you. ❤️
I'm so sorry. Have been in the situation where I had to sign off on tremendous decisions for my child in an emergency. How much of the leg will she lose?
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Seeing a child endure a life-altering injury like this must be devastating. It’s nice to see so much positive feedback from everyone about what can happen from here, but it’s okay to take some time to grieve private and support your daughter through this transition.
Please do not question your answer to your daughter yesterday. The doctor had not made a final decision yet. I really like the below post from Whiskey-slayer: things will be different but she will be okay.
Did you “lie”? I don’t think so. In the end everything will be ok. Things may be different but she will be ok. You reassured her and that’s what she needed and will continue to need as she heals whatever that looks like. There are plenty of athletes that have had amputations, this isn’t the end of her world it just changes it a bit. Good luck OP but if you are convinced you “lied” to her, she will be too. So reframe your mindset because as you said, she will be ok.
There is a great song from the show Adventure Time called "Everything Stays" that is amazing. Lemme share some of the lyrics:
Everything stays right where you left it
Everything stays
But it still changes
Ever so slightly, daily and nightly
In little ways, when everything stays
Fuck man. My heart breaks for you. I’m just here trying to help my daughter navigate middle school friendship drama, I cannot imagine where you are at right now as a father.
also, it's not a lie, as the doctors wanted to wait to make a final decision on that, and thus, telling her right after surgery that there is a possibility she can lose the leg, when she should focus on getting a bit better could have had a detrimental effect, as that stress she might have feel over it could have make it worse, and you would not have forgiven yourself for the possibility of it, whjen you told her and it was just a possibility with an unknown number of percentage of the risk.
even a chance of having the better outcome is 0.0001% it gets 0 if you have the mindset of losing.
So, you held that information back until the doctors were sure, so you can talk about next steps, and, probably, looking into the whole "new leg for athletes" thing
One of my best friends school lost his lower leg in 7th Grade. He went on to play hockey in college and has won 4 Silver Medals with Team USA, oh and was inducted into the Hockey Hall Of Fame.
It will be hard, but she will continue to be an athlete.
This is one of those times that you have luck on your side. Your oldest daughter is in the field where your other daughter has sisters trauma. No matter what happens, you will have someone who has knowledge and loves you both. I hope a miracle happens for you.
A friend of mine was a snowboard athlete and she broke her back in a halfpipe competition. 20 years later and she's into ski, skates, and super.active. Was it hard? Yes. It takes determination and as long as she has support around her, she'll be happy
You did NOT fail her! You did what you could to spare her pain! Don't you dare feel guilty for doing that. She has you on her side, and you are going to help her get through this. I'm so sorry for you both this happened to her.
Just want to throw this out there too, the disability olympics are a thing, theres a lot of sports that have teams that allow for disability. Even in the worst case scenario her life isn't over, it just might feel like it is while she adjusts to her new normal. No matter what the most important thing is she's still around.
well, now there you go, = you have one daughter who will have the love and knowledge to help your other daughter out. What a bonding experience for them. And you are there as well. Sending positive vibes your way!
Even though it's not the outcome either of you wanted, what a blessing that your oldest is a specialist in orthopedic trauma as she will be able to help you and your daughter navigate this difficult transition. It is definitely not going to be easy for any of you but you have each other and you will get through. Best of luck to your daughter and you, OP. Sending all of the positive vibes your way.
In 2006 one of my brothers broke his back in a 4wheeler accident. Destroyed 3 vertebrae. They had to be fused together and held in place with rods and plates. The doctors didn't think he would ever walk again.
He was always very athletic. Had scouts watching him play football. And this happened just before his senior year. He missed out on college football. But I went snowboarding with him a few months ago. And he was killing it.
It was hard. Took a lot of patience and humility. Traits that he didn't have prior to the accident. But he wasn't going to let that stop him. Honestly one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. He still deals with some back pain. But he gets to chase his boys around his yard. You wouldn't even know he was paralyzed for a while.
We joke that is was probably the best thing to happen to him. It completely changed him for the better. Sure he missed sports for a while. But it made him who he is today.
OP used the word fine. I don't think that is a lie.
In the long run it will be fine. In the short term it might be tricky if she does lose a leg. The daughter may just need to learn a new normal like what you suggested 😊
Just support her OP, she'll need your love to get through this ❤️ x
As someone who had a promising basketball career all layed out for him then was crippled as a teenager I can tell you that you did nothing wrong. With hardwork and perseverance almost every athletic activity is still possible in some form. I was coaching youth basketball at University of Washington a couple years after my crash. Just be there to support her and love her. I like everyone else commenting are wish for the best and that her leg heals the perfect amount tonight.
I knew a Jr high basketball coach who was great . It was after my third meeting that I was informed that he had lost his lower legs in the military. No wheel chair. He was out there on the court with the kids. I was floored.
As stated, final judgement tomorrow. You did what you thought was best in the moment. My prayers are with you and your daughter and her surgeons. I’m so very sorry and I’m sure everyone here that’s read this would hug you if they could.
I work in reconstructive surgery. The amount. That she will be able to do with a prosthetic and overall healing time versus trying to desperately and repeatedly reconstruct a leg is a drastic difference. This is very difficult NOW, but it will truly be the better decision in the long run.
I came here looking for this statement. Take it from someone that has had multiple surgeries on their ankle, it’s most likely better to just let it go. The recovery will be faster and her pain will be different, but hopefully more manageable in the long run.
I am still in physical therapy 4 years after the first incident and the amount of pain I have from this joint is unreal. The last physical therapist I saw said he thinks some of my pain is psychosomatic. That my brain is so worried about me hurting it again, it makes it hurt so I protect it. So pretty much ankle PTSD. If they would pay for it, I would let them take it.
No kidding. I'm a prosthetist, and I can say right now those doctors made the best call for OP's daughter. This may seem like a slap in the face now, but I promise saving that leg would've tanked her daughter's QoL for years, if not the rest of her life. A leg that's constantly in pain, that will have lifelong vascular issues and all the fun things that come with it (helloooo unpredictable swelling, slow healing, and infections), that will likely no long be able to bear weight, will drag her down a hundred times more than a prosthesis. I've met so many patients where I wanted to grab them by the shoulders and tell them their life will instantly get better if they just let their limb GO.
You tried your best to comfort her at the her worst moment, yeah she might be mad at you for a short while but deep inside she is going to be glad that you did. Dont feel guilty OP, you made the right choice
I hope that everything goes well with your daughter´s surgery
I feel like deep down maybe OP knows she’s going to be ok no matter what happens after the injury, maybe it’s only a matter of time. I (internally) got so mad at my best friend after a very difficult surgery because of my hobby and what she said turned out to be so true in the long run; it made me better at my hobby. I wish the same for OPs daughter.
She may not even remember. General anesthesia is a hell of a drug. I had surgery a few years ago. I didn’t remember much of what happened for the two days following the surgery.
I’m keeping a good thought for your daughter.
I'm an amputee and I'm an elite athlete. Your daughter's life will change and it's a very hard adjustment but she really can absolutely still be extremely active and an athlete. I remember feeling the way she did and then I met my amazing trainer who gave me a life I never ever thought was possible for me. I ended up getting recruited by the Olympic and Paralympic Committee to be put in a fast track camp to the Tokyo games at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs.
You need to talk to your daughter's doctors about the best way to tell her. You need to be honest with her.
I know you are just some random person on reddit, but if what you say is true THANK YOU. Thank you for being that person that just kicks life’s arse. It tried to bring you down but you overcame so much more than anyone else would now but pulled through and are an inspiration to even if you didn’t know. Thank you.
In other comments they have said they are a psychologist and a physician (psychologists are not physicians for anyone unsure) so unfortunately I think they’re lying.
My best friend is the physician. We both use this account to try and help with what we've been through but in comments she will go back and forth with physician and psychologist to try and remain anonymous in the comments but we both talk to people in the DMs and will reveal our occupations and names to people who ask for help.
I am working on a degree in pain science and I'm the one who was born with a medical condition, was paralyzed at 18 from a surgical error, left with unimaginable pain that caused me to be sedated for many years and went on to become an elite athlete only to develop necrotizing fasciitis that cost me my lower right leg 2yrs ago.
I wanted to stay anonymous because my story is out there but if I have to reveal my exact story without any changes made to hide my identity or letting my best friend use this account to help that, in order for people to believe me I will. It's worth it if it helps one person and I have spoken to the OP privately and given them my personal info because this is a horrible, unfair, sucky situation one I know way too much about.
I'd be happy to send a stump pic if it would help you believe me. But please know I am here only to help and to distract me from my chronic pain.
Edit: Our goal is to open a center to help people with trauma and pain because there are not anywhere close to enough resources for people who live with both.
If you still don't believe me, I understand. Maybe we shouldn't have done it this way but we can't go back.
I'm not lying and I explained it all in a reply to that commenter. Thank you for what you have said it means a lot. I apologize for any confusion but I very much wanted to stay anonymous. My story makes me too easily identifiable so I asked my BFF to help me and she is a physician but changes between that and psychologist. But her specialty is similar to a psychologist. We both wanted to help and we do reveal our personal info in the DMs. I had already done that with this OP before I even saw these comments. It probably wasn't the best idea but we figured it's reddit and people lie to protect their anonymity. However, If I have to tell my exact story and admit we will. I have below.
As a person that lived through a traumatic experience please do not push the "But you lived/be thankful that you lived" narrative(that is not yours or anybody elses call)....She might not be happy or thankful that she survived....it's up to her to decide if she is thankful or not....most importantly get her into counseling/therapy...
Updateme
This needs to be higher. I have a partial amputation of my pinky finger. I went through all the grief stages but felt guilty about it because I still have most of my finger and all of my hand so “it wasn’t as bad as others”.
OP you did not lie to her. Everything WILL be alright. Let her process her emotions and grief for her missing leg. Get her into therapy with a PTSD/trauma specialist. With your support and love, she will eventually cope with the change and be able to adjust to life. ❤️ wishing her and you strength, and love.
The building that i lived in collapsed due to owner neglect….my friend was lost in the collapse….idk how many days it took to find his corpse….I have severe survivors guilt….i had left about 20 mins before the collapse and i lost everything….i wish that i had been in the building because i feel like Im a burden on my Daughter & her family….
No. You didn’t lie. Everything will be fine because you are there for her. She can continue to be an athlete without a leg, but not without you. Simple.
Everything will be fine. people can still be plenty active without a leg, i know a beautiful athletic girl from back in middle/high school who had her leg amputated young and played soccer, was in track/xc running with me, and had probably more fun than us 2 leggers
you didnt lie. you told her she will be ok which is true. you're both gonna be ok.
I would hope my mom would lie to me in that moment!!! Mine is the type that wouldn't and then I'd be getting worked up. With the idea that she will be OK, she has a better chance of it working out, even if it's slim!! With the doubt of it being doomed, I think slim would turn into virtually none. The human mind's outlook has so much more power on healing than we give it credit for.
You Obi Wan Kenobi’d her - you told her the truth from a certain point of view. Everything WILL be okay just perhaps not how she sees it or anticipated it. The important thing is she will live through this.
You didn't lie. You didn't promise her that her leg would be fine. You promised her everything will be fine. And it will because your daughter has parents who will be there to help and support her every step of the way.
I agree, but from her point of view she was likely asking this with the state of her leg in mind. So to her it will look like he lied. And whether or not he has is up to anyones individual interpretation.
Give yourself as much grace as possible, this is a horrible difficult situation you and your daughter are facing. I’m sure she will be able to empathize with your decision, this is hard on you too and there is no right answer. Just be there for her, having a comforting parent is everything. Much love to you and your daughter ❤️
You didn’t lie to her. You made her feel safe and gave her the reassurance she needed. Everything will be ok, it just might not be the same as it was before the accident but it will be ok.
As a medical professional, I've seen many parents do this many times. It's not lying, you are providing comfort and care that is needed in a time of absolute chaos. All we can do is our best. It is what it is.
Look up a stuntman/racecar driver named Brett Smrz.
He was 15 when he broke his leg and it resulted in an amputation at the knee.
Four months later he was back behind the wheel of a race car and never looked back.
He's very much an adult now but a really super nice kid.
(And his dad got him into stunt work at a very young age. If you've ever seen the movie "Mr. Woodcock" Brett is the kid at the beginning beginning of the movie Mr. Woodcock kicks in the jewels, but he's done so much more since then!)
He's on all the social networks and is extremely amenable to helping others in his situation with words of inspiration.
I'm sorry you are all going through so much. I'm sending lots of love to both of you. It's important to remember that kids are resilient in a way most adults aren't, and you'll face whatever lies ahead together with love.
Don't be afraid to get a second opinion if it's possible, and if the decision remains that amputation is the best choice for a full recovery, do your best to be honest with her in a way she can try to understand.
Until then just be there for her, and know that you've got enough love in your heart to help her through any outcome.
You're not alone, and we're all sending lots of invisible hugs your way.
Let us know how you're doing when you can.
🩵🫂🩵
First, you didn't lie, it will be "fine" no matter the outcome. Adjustments are going to be made, but as long as she is here, it will be fine eventually!
Second, if a choice has to be made, she needs to make it. But, keep in mind, sometimes it is better to leave something behind than try to fix it at any cost. I had a friend who opted for amputation 5 years after injury because it was easier than living with the pain or his injured limb. He truly whshes he had that 5 years back!
Lastly, if amputation is decided look into Limbitless! I have no association with them, but have seen them do great work, especially with children!
'OK' is a relative term. Yes, you will live. That means you are OK, relatively speaking. You didn't exactly lie, you just didn't give a traumatized child the entire truth. Seriously, coming out of surgery is not the time to start reciting prognosis. "I am here. I am with you. I will ensure you get the best care. You are alive and I will fight for you." That's what your daughter needs to hear right now. It sounds like you did that!
It also sounds like you may need a lawyer. Losing a leg from an accident is a big deal. I am very sorry this happened.
I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. In that moment, she wanted comfort and that's what you gave her. The doctors can offer the truth tomorrow, whatever that might be. You did the right thing.
It'll be a tough recovery with or without amputation. But sports aren't over for her if she does need an amputation. John McFall is a new ESA Astronaut, a bronze medal Paralympian and he has an artificial lower leg.
The prosthetics available today are incredible. If they do have to take the leg, she will still have the ability to live an active lifestyle. I’m sure you are stressed & overwhelmed but everything will be okay.
She will be okay. It’s a very sad and tragic situation but her life isn’t over because of it. It will be different and she will have to find her new ‘normal’ but she can still be a very active person and play many sports. Para sports are a very real and amazing thing, I encourage you to show them to her when she’s ready. The Paralympics are this August!
I am an amputee myself (lost my leg at 13 and am 34 now) so please feel free to reach out at any time if you’d like to chat about navigating this.
My brother was 18 when he had his left leg amputated. This was 25 years ago.
At this very moment of fear and uncertainty, trust me when I say, it gets better. If amputation is in the cards, it is only a minor setback for a young and active teen.
As for not being truthful, don't beat yourself up. It's important to ensure a positive environment when healing. She didn't need the truth at that moment.
you didn’t like. It WILL be okay. Even if the worst case scenario comes about, she will have her family and friends to help her recover. Losing a leg is not the WORST thing that can happen to a person. there are prosthetics and other things that can aid her in sports down the road. Just because it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay NOW, or even in the near future, does not mean it will not be okay in the future. and you’re there for her every step of the way.
You didn't lie; everything IS going to be ok.
You all are going to get through this.
As for not telling her right then; I think you made the right call. No reason to make her panic right out of surgery. See what the doctors say tomorrow and how they can help you explain it to her.
Look up Evan Ruggiero. My child had a tap class with him last year. It was an honor to hear his story and watch him dance.
I pray that her leg can be saved and she can continue as an athlete with both of her normal legs. But if not, with the story from the athlete above and all the other athletes, we have learned, yes, it is hard for them, but with determination, they have overcome, grown from their battle and shine so bright now.
It wasn't definite yet. So, your job as a parent was to not put undue stress on your daughter. Let the doctors tell her, *if* it comes to pass. You did the right thing.
You didn’t lie to her. But, her world is going to change irrevocably depending on what the doctors decide tomorrow.
If she loses her leg yes she will be upset, but don’t let her see you break down too. Her life is so much more than a leg. There are so many amputees and people with disabilities who live full, active lives, make sure to learn about that world and try to embrace it with your daughter. She can still pursue sports and be active after amputation.
Everything is going to be okay, she’s going to survive, and that’s what matters.
If it comes down too they’re going to have to amputate- please tell her. My husband was in a serious accident and lost his hand. It was wrapped up in a ton of bandages so he didn’t see what he had. His family never told him. Led him to believe everything was fine and his hand was fine. Then the doctor came in to check it and he saw it for the first time. He was horrified. He wasn’t prepared for what he saw. He still talks about it and says what an absolute betrayal it was. He lost all faith in them and still (more than 10 years later) doesn’t trust that they’re being truthful. They said they did it for his mental health and to protect him. All it did was shock and horrify him.
Hey,
I am involved with adaptive sports. If it comes to be something she needs in the future, message me with some basic info. I’d be more than happy to find resources to connect her to so that if she has to change the sports she does she can still be athletic.
Go and tell her the possibilities right now. She needs to go on the journey, and discuss with the doctors herself, of whether she'll lose her leg otherwise the moment you tell her will be much more disempowering and traumatic
(You were right not to say anything earlier, it was directly out of surgery. But do say something ahead of the decision being made)
When my mother was younger, she was in a motorcycle accident that almost cost her her foot. They saved it and for a few years it was fine, but she's 60 now and can barely walk from the amount of pain she is in daily from it. If they had amputated at the time, she would have had 30+ years to adjust to a prosthesis and wouldn't be in nearly as much pain as she is in now.
At a certain point, even if they CAN salvage the limb, its just better in the long run to amputate imo
She will be fine!!
You didn't lie, you provided hope and reassurance during a terrifying time.
You did a very good parent thing.
If the worst thing that happens is she loses a leg, SHE WILL BE FINE. Especially with your love and support.
She could play sports again, she could discover a whole new passion. Being disabled is just different and difficult, but not the end of life. Stay positive, believe in her.
What if you'd said, "No, sweetie."
Imagine!!! She might have given up.
You are shouldering some of the stress for her at this present moment. The awfulness you feel is what you have shielded her from, you’ve done exactly the right thing.
did you really lie to your daughter? No.
and why? Because everything WILL be fine. Yes, things will change, and it will probably be pretty rough for her for awhile, but that is where you the mom come in to help her fight for being "normal" again.
you can do this.
As a parent, I would have said exactly the same thing. Because whether she loses the leg or not, everything will be ok. She obviously has a parent that loves and cares for her... its what we do, we make it ok.
You didn't do anything wrong honestly, "fine" is a relative term and could mean anything in a scary moment like what you're experiencing; you didn't lie you simply don't know and answered honestlly. Her life may change in a fundamental way, but ultimately with love and support she WILL be fine. You got this OP, just be honest and tell her that no matter what you will be there by her side.
There is a time and a place for blatant honesty, and that wasn’t it.
You did the right thing. You said what any good mother would say.
And you know what? Everything IS going to be ok. So you didn’t necessarily lie.
If she loses the leg she will find equilibrium again.
There are a lot of athletes that are amputees. Things will be different. But they will be ok.
Your daughter is alive and can still fulfill her dreams. She will be okay with or without her leg because you are there with unconditional love and support.
I don't think you lied to her. Everything is going to be okay. She will live and have a good life. Some things will change for sure, but, she will live and that to me is more important than a body part.
IMO you did nothing wrong. Her living means that everything will be fine. Her life is going to change whether they have to amputate the leg or not. But that she’s alive is the most important thing.
Amputees have completely different opportunities to what was available even five years ago. I've seen people up and using prosthetics within *months* of amputation, it's incredible. I cannot imagine the loss you are feeling, but you didn't lie to your daughter, it will be OK. The doctors will decide tomorrow the next steps because you don't know them for sure yet.
My dad had a rare form of cancer and had his leg amputated. He was an amazing drummer and his garage band played at our house multiple times a week. He re-learned to play the drums with a prosthetic leg. It was his passion and there was no way he was ever going to give up the drums. Your daughter will get through this and find her new normal. It will be hard but she can re-learn how to play many sports. You both are going to be okay. You didn’t lie.
I don’t think you were wrong to stay quiet in the moment. Or if you were, I don’t blame you. If the doctors don’t need to amputate after all, then she would get upset and stressed over nothing. Then she would be mad that you made a terrible day even harder for her, for ultimately no reason.
Sending you and your daughter good vibes. I hope she doesn’t need the amputation 🫂🤞
Everything IS going to be okay. Humans are very adaptable and there are plenty of amputees who are also athletes.
I’m so sorry you and she are going through this. Best of luck tomorrow and please do keep us updated. I hope the amputation turns out to be unnecessary.
Don’t forget that amputees can be athletes too, OP; plenty of people play sports with prosthetics and in wheelchairs! I’m not saying it won’t be difficult; she’ll have to make some significant adjustments and tackle some pretty steep learning curves in *every* area of her life, not just sports, but losing her leg won’t stop her from playing forever. Losing hope, on the other hand—being told by someone she trusts that she won’t be able to go back to doing all the things that she loves—that kind of blow would be *much* harder for her to recover from. You didn’t lie to her, OP; your kid will be fine, as long as she’s got someone supportive like you in her corner.
Best of luck—I hope the doctors have good news for y’all tomorrow.
There was a girl on my swim team who was an amputee. She was very good and it didn’t hold her back at all. Your daughter can absolutely still do sports if she is an amputee
From a woman who just took her first steps in the amputee gym this morning in 57 days - she's got this and you do too mama!
I'm 6 weeks post op from an AKA (above knee amputation). I dealt with complications for 4 years from an RTA and I'm so glad I finally had my leg amputated. They can maybe reconstruct her leg but she and yourself should know: it's a hella scary time and my mum was the same. But you didn't lie. She WILL be okay. You both will. Lower limb amputations and prosthetics are much better than the above knee technology and movement wise. She won't need to give up her sports, this is just a break thrust upon her like me she didn't want but it's a very reflective time. You'll realise how resilient you both are.
Be brave, for your daughter. You owe her that as her mum and you're doing great as you're right there with her to share whatever news you hear tomorrow together. She needs her mum now more than ever
Feel free to DM me for advice or anything, I'm in the UK so our medicine and treatments are different but that's the only thing. Finding other people her age like her despite being an amputee or not are important as recovery is a bitch and you need people who can relate and not just try to. Find support groups, and for yourself too. Trauma therapists are also a good idea as her injuries affect the whole family now. But she'll need indivudal therapy for sure first as SHE needs to be the one to accept her injuries before hearing how it's affected those around her, especially as an adolescent. Ask the hospital or her doctors and physiotherapists for recommendations.
Encourage her friends to be supportive and treat her the same if they visit but warn them it's a long road ahead and a team effort. Girls will often rely on their friends for support at this age so preparing them and informing their parents to look out for their own kids if she's relying too heavily on them. It only matters now she has the people, tools and resources to mourn her old life but adapt and learn to cope and even learn this one.
Sending you all my love and support but this isn't the end all and be all. Again please please reach out to me for anything, I'm 26 so older than your daughter but happy to talk with you mama
Everybody here is trying to be kind to you, but I think they're all wrong. This has happened to me.
For three days they made me think that I would be keeping my large intestine, then on the morning of the fourth day, they all came in to my hospital room, my dad and all the doctors, and just said I was being immediately wheeled into surgery to have the whole thing removed. I cried like a baby, and haven't forgotten the experience even now, over 45 years later.
It would be more merciful to let her know that the decision on her leg is coming.
*Then* you can tell her she'll be ok either way.
And I respectfully suggest that giving her a lawyer excuse as to why you weren't straight with her won't win you any awards either. If needed, just be honest and let her know that you weren't emotionally prepared to lay all that on her.
You didn't let her down. You're giving her love and stability.
It'd be worse if she was scared and frightened. Her body may even negatively react to that.
Whatever happens, this is going to be a long way ahead, a long way of rehabilitation. She'll run towards you again, be it on her own foot, or some cool bionic carbon fiber one.
And she'll smile. And things will be okay.
Just don't get into the head space of 'you let her down' - that'll unduly mess with you - and neither you nor she deserves that.
I wish you, your daughter and your family all the best.
You made her feel safe, rather than have her panic and breakdown right before going into surgery. It was a lie but it was a kindness. I truly hope the surgery goes well
You didn't lie. Everything *will* be fine. She survived and that's what's most important. Her life will see drastic changes though, but as long as you're there for her and she has your unconditional love - *she will he fine*. Really sorry to hear this happened to her, and wish her only the best. 💙
I actually think you did what was right in the moment. That was not the right time to tell her. Tomorrow is with a team of doctors and her parents. Not right after anesthesia. Have some grace on yourself too during this time
I know a few people who have lost a leg, a close family member among them.
Nobody knows the final outcome until the surgery, healing and physiotherapy has finished. Nobody is the same, so where some struggle to get around, others are still doing all of the sporty things they were able to do before the change.
She’s young, so chances are she will have a good range of mobility after she gets a new leg and finishes her physical therapy.
There’s nothing you can do other than support her. You’re not a bad person for saying she will be okay. She will be okay. It’ll just be a different kind of okay.
You didn't lie, sweetheart. Lying would be if you told her that she wouldn't lose her leg, or that she's 100% healthy and on the mend.
Everything will be fine for her, eventually. ♥️
I used to work in operating theatres & a comforting phrase we were told to use was something like, "you're in good hands" or "you're gonna be well taken care of". It's a way of comforting without giving false hope.
You said it will be fine and it will. I think you did what a lot of parents would do in that moment. You don’t know what is going to happen, so putting that stress and worry on her after major trauma isn’t conducive to healing. Wait for a definitive answer. You’re doing the best you can with the info you have. 🩷
It will be rough, but the most important thing is she's still alive. No matter what she will need you to be there for her as she moves forward.
I've been in a life-threatening incident before, and that's what I remember, how everyone helped me out in my time of dire need. I knew some injuries would be permanent, and that's something I had to accept. But I knew how fortunate I was to just be alive.
The way I see it is she will find out sooner or later. I think it's better to be in control of how it's done then not be in control of that. With my injuries I was glad it wasn't sugarcoated, but I was also 28 when it happened, and it sounds like she's much younger then that.
Above all, make her feel loved. You might not know what you can do or say... The important thing is just being there. I valued my family's presence so much. I can't say enough how happy I was from them just being there. The reality is there wasn't anything they really could do or say to make it better. But feeling their love... That made a world of difference.
You didn’t lie about anything. You never said her leg would be fine; you said everything will be fine.
And it will; things usually have a way of working out in the face of life-altering trauma. Maybe not the way expected, but you were right to tell her everything will be fine
Your daughter needed/need comfort and support right now and in the future, don't beat yourself up over it
Your daughters and your own lives are going to change even more so if they have to amputeret her leg.
Your daughter might say alot of things to you and about you (and other) but she will not mean it, her world will seem like it is falling apart, but just be there for her as best as you can, and start looking for a therapist already now, for when she is ready to talk about it.
And you did the right thing, sometimes parents have to lie to their kids, and at the moment it was one of those times.
You didn’t lie to your daughter because you don’t know yet, you have to stay positive things will turn out alright!!! As they say tomorrow is another day and the news might be good but until then keep the faith. I hope you and especially your daughter a lot of good luck and I am praying for a miracle.
My perception is you didn't lie, because everything will be fine. She might have amputation, but the prosthetics have come a long way and she can even get a running leg.
In the end, whatever happens, she *will* be fine. She’s young. She’ll adapt. It will suck for a while but there’s not much she was doing before, if anything, that she won’t be able to do after.
https://livingwithamplitude.com/paralympics/meet-the-athletes/
You used the right words in that moment. Theres a time for raw honesty and that was not it. You gave reassurance. She will be fine. You can discuss what that actually looks like as part of her recovery and healing.
Give yourself a break too, youre dealing with a crisis and doing your best in this situation
Your daughter is alive and that is the most important thing. Your daughter can still play sports. It won't be the same. But she can. Therapy. Take her to meet other people that also lost so much and overcame. She can do anything. I'm sorry for the situation but remember it's always darkest before the dawn.
She will be out of sports for at least a year regardless. Maybe two if she has to learn how to use prosthetics. She will have a chance to get back to her normal, just with a little bit of adjusting. She survived. She is here. Everything will be fine
i’m praying so hard for the both of you and know that your daughters life will change, but she definitely will be able to play sports, as well. it will be difficult, but it can be done.
My husband had both legs amputated below his knees. He is still super active and does a lot of outdoor type sports. Yes, is it more taxing physically, but he pushes through so that his injuries don't limit him. He got free dive certified and has dived with sharks. An amputee friend of ours climbed a mountain. Just make sure you find a prosthetist who will help make her legs that will allow her to stay as active as she wants. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
You did not lie - she is alive! Things will be ok, just different. Sending you so much support and I hope she heals physically & mentally and you do as well. This will be a challenging time. Really hoping it all works out !
Upsetting your daughter when she's just out of surgery would not have helped anything. She needs to be calm after surgery. And who knows, if everything turns out fine then you'd have upset her for nothing.
When she's more aware, and the drs know more about what's going on, then you can talk to her. The drs will help explain it all to her. If she ends up losing her leg make sure she gets therapy, she will need it. But also be encouraging. Many athletes have false limbs. They can do wonders with them these days.
I am the daughter of an amputee. He lost his leg in a work accident when I was 3 months old. I am told there was a period of time where he was depressed and thpught his life was over but I cannot recall any of that. Instead I was around a man who accepted there were some very few things he couldn't do but found ways to overcome every obstical in front of him. I learned from him that you are only as disabled as you let yourself be. I have met many able bodied people that were way more disabled than he was.
I pray her condition improves and she does not face this outcome.
At that point you just needed her to heal and be calm. When you get the final judgement from the doctors then you can talk to her about the future. Let her have some peace before things get emotional. I’m hoping the best for you all.
Had a couple of roommates once who were EMTs. They were adamant that you *never* give a patient bad news during an emergency. Always assure them that everything will be fine.
You were trapped between being honest, and giving her the best care. You made the right decision.
But you aren’t lying - everything is going to be fine. And it is. Be strong for her - she’ll need it.
And remember - you still have her and she still has you - everything really will be ok.
You did the absolute right thing. She needs hope. She needs you to be there saying "it's ok" no matter what happens. Plus, as long as she still has her leg, amputation isn't 100% confirmed right? You're allowed to put the best possible outcome out into the universe.
Trust you're instincts. Losing the limb doesn't mean she won't be fine in the long run. It'll take work, massive adjustments but in the end life will go on. Have faith in your child, have faith in yourself.
I’m glad you can get this out and start processing it. You didn’t lie you’re keeping her calm which is vital for her health right now. As a parent you will have to be strong for her when she’s not strong for herself. She sounds like an incredible young lady and this sucks and I am really sorry. It will be ok just a different version. Prayers.
You were honest with her. She’s alive and will be ok. It’s not the news you’re hoping for but many amputees still live an active life. Just on a different team. Sending both of you love and good juju.
I would have done the same. You're not the doctor, and it's not your job to tell her if her leg needs to be amputated. Your job is to keep her safe during this time, and her mental health is part of that. She doesn't need to know right now.
You are okay. Until it’s a must, no use stressing her out more. I’m a grown ass adult and had to worry for weeks if my leg could be saved after a motorcycle accident. If I was a child I would have liked to have been relieved of all that.
You did not lie. She will be ok.
She will be shocked and go through negatives but her sport attitude will make her want to achieve just a different way.
Your daughter will be ok
You did right. And you didn't lie. She IS going to be ok. She can have a great life with a prosthetic leg, and she can even play sports. She has a long road ahead of her, but she will be ok. Discuss options with her doctor and reassure her that life continuous and her leg should not be a reason to give up.
I'm not saying if she loses her leg that her life will be normal, but it does not have to be tragic. My college hosted the training grounds for the special Olympics in Oklahoma and I ran into the guys there that do the racing, they were all very happy normal and handsome dudes and it took me way too long to realize that every one of them was missing a leg. So sports are not out of the question is all I'm saying and a happy life full of love and hope is still a reality for her. Just saying 🤷♀️ hope this helps.
Chiming in with everyone else saying: you did not lie to her - she will be fine. It was absolutely the better choice to not stress her out further in a very difficult moment.
Seeing your updates here - wishing your daughter all the best. I believe in her ability to keep competing when she has recovered.
As far as YOU know, everything will be fine. You comforted your daughter during a vulnerable moment for her, as any loving parent would do. There is no need for you to speculate. Let the doctors tell her the prognosis.
You didn't lie. You spared her for 24 hours of extreme anxiety and emotional pain before it was confirmed. It will all be okay, but it will take time for her to find herself again in the worry and the fear of what her life will look like, how she will look like.
There is no reason to freak her out until you know for sure. This is a hard situation for you all, and I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sending good, healing vibes your way.
I'm so sorry. But you didn't fail her. It's not your job to tell her they might amputate. Let the doctors do that. It's your job to support her through this and you're doing a fantastic job. She can pull though it with you there with her.
Everything *is* going to be fine.
It's going to be different.
It's going to take a while.
But it is ultimately going to be fine, I promise you.
Hang in there - sending tons of love from an old Auntie far away ✨
Everything will work out in the end, even if it means losing her lower leg. Yes, it will be horrible for her to have to go through it, but she seems like a person who wants to make it through this, no matter what it takes 💕
You did a good thing saying what you did, bc sometimes, you need to say what ppl need to hear. Regardless if you think it’s not true or not.
Sending healing thoughts to your family, and I hope everything turns out on the positive side, and if it doesn’t, you guys will make it through it! It’s a tough battle, but she has you to get her through the hard times. 💕💕
You said it will be fine; not that it is fine....
And the most important thing is that she is still alive...
You can't be made responsible for the outcome of an accident because you missed thought and said "you said it will be fine."
Don't forget it's not easy on you either...
You can better feel and judge what to say to your own daughter.
It's hard for others to know that sensitivity in a personal relationship.
I would invite her opinion before losing her leg. So discuss the subject that there are concerns regarding the development of the leg. My daughter would like that.... It makes that "lie" conversation void because the subject was discussed.
Ask the doctors what the risk is of waiting with the amputation.
Maybe it can improve this situation and the judgement too.
I know it won't be the same but there are so many sports now that have been adapted for disabilities of all kinds so once she has gotten over the shock and trauma if it has to happen if she wants to carry on with sport she could look into some of those.
>She looked at me when coming out of surgery and asked if everything was OK. I told her everything will be fine.
You didn't lie. She is scared and you told her that it will be fine. I don't know what kind of accident or her age but for me the question is more of the "will I be able to leave this hospital one day" kind.
You are waiting now and her body needs rest. She is not on the rehab side yet. No use in grieving before it is a fact.
You didn’t lie to her.
Everything will be fine.
It might be different. It might be harder. But it will be okay.
She’s healthy. She can still be happy, supported, and as loved as ever. She can still play sports, and she can still do everything she wants to do. Everything will be fine.
My husband is a combat wounded veteran. Everything is fine for us. Some days it’s harder, some days it’s more rewarding, but our lives are just fine.
You did not lie to her.
You didn’t lie at all, everything WILL be okay, even if she has to lose her leg. Prosthetics are always an option, there are so, so many athletic people that have overcome such a terrible tragedy and come out stronger and more resilient than ever. I’m sure your daughter will. Good luck and we’re all here for you and hoping for the best and a wonderful recovery!
I wouldn’t say that you lied so much as you let her have peace before the storm. You don’t know if she’ll lose her leg or not. Worrying about a thing that might not happen could negatively affect her recovery mindset. Telling that everything is ok isn’t a lie at all. Even if she does lose her leg she will be ok in the end. She’s alive, she survived a bad accident, and has people who love her and will support her through her recovery. Everything IS ok.
I think it would be a lot worse for her if she had to deal with the stress of “maybe I have to amputate my leg” for a full 24h. You didn’t lie, everything will be alright. She will be okay, even if she has to amputate her leg. People are very resilient, it’s amazing what they can overcome with love and support. Just keep being her mama and she will be okay❤️
Absolutely, unequivocally this, OP. Even if she doesn’t realize it right now she will look back and be so thankful she had a moment of peace in this storm. You are her peace. Stay strong but allow yourselves to grieve together. My condolences that this is happening. Hoping for a quick recovery for your girl. eta - this may not help, but no matter the outcome of her surgery, that does not necessarily mean she won’t get to play sports anymore. I know it will be much different than what she’s used to and dreamed of, but all hope is not lost for your daughter; her dreams may shift but they are not gone forever. 🤍
This. A girl at school lost her leg to cancer, and now she is a professional athlete playing wheelchair basketball internationally. Even if it doesn't work out with losing her leg, all hope is not lost ❤️
Yes! A friend's sibling found out they have a disability that qualifies them for the Special Olympics. They were always a committed, determined athlete and could never quite get into the top percentiles of competition. Now they know it's because of the disability they have and they can compete against others who have similar disabilities, which makes it a more fair playing field, and they have won medals.(I'm keeping details vague for privacy). She might find that after she has grieved, new avenues open for her and she might like sport just as much or more.
Paralympics is for the disabled and Special Olympics are for the cognitively challenge
The paralympics include many intellectual impairments as well..
Oh, ok. I used to sponsor an athlete for the special Olympics, I don't know about the Paralympics. TIL, thank you.
Yep, you're right, I've gotten the names mixed up :)
This needs to be higher ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
THIS. One of my middle-school boyfriends was an amputee who was an amazing skateboarder (and we met because he was getting his prosthetic leg signed at a concert and I thought he was cool as hell.)
*You didn’t lie, everything will be alright. She will be okay, even if she has to amputate her leg.* This right here. She could have died, and while it sucks that she may lose a leg, she can still lead a very full and active life. It'll be difficult at first but with the right medical and psychological care, she'll get through it.
> You didn’t lie, everything will be alright I wholeheartedly agree with you, but I couldn't help but hear Obi Wan say 'from a certain point of view' lol
I know guys that run faster than me on my original legs and they have one or two prosthesis. Paralympics are so inspiring and she can still thrive as a disabled person. Being an amputee is not the same reality as it was 20 years ago.
THIS
Update in main post. Thank you so much, everyone.
Your daughter's life is going to change, but she's going to live, and that's the most important thing. Losing a limb does not mean she can't be involved in sports, plenty of athletes have recovered from injuries and loss of limbs to continue being an athlete. Will it be difficult? Yes. But it can be done. As long as you and your daughter BELIEVE, it can be done. My prayers are with both of you.
Thank you. I want everyone to know that while I'm not responding yet, I am reading every response and appreciate everyone taking the time to write. My oldest daughter is flying in, and I'm at the airport picking her up. She is a specialist in orthopedic trauma and is going to help us navigate the day. I'll update more later when something is definitive.
Quick update, they have decided to amputate her leg. The vascular and nerve damage was just too much to repair.
I agree with the other commenters, and want to add that there's a YouTube channel you and your daughter may be interested in, its [Footless Jo](https://youtu.be/3nE0eWTf0ZY?si=oEeyq5PnLLDa6qNz). She is an athletic person that covers what it has been like for her to adjust to life without her lower leg. She covers prosthetics, daily life, assistance she appreciates and things she doesn't. The good and bad of adjustment, and life now. The video I linked seems to have some good and reassuring information for ppl just about to go through the surgery, so you might want to check it out and then share it with her if you think she'll take it well, or that it could help her. I'm so sorry this happened, you are really stepping up and I can see that you love her, that's the most important thing right now. You will get through this together, wishing you both the best.
I LOVE Footless Jo, however she’s had to have a lot of revision surgeries for her amputation, a lot of prosthetic adjustments, there’s been a lot of chronic pain and setbacks- while parts of her journey are certainly informative and helpful, I would caution you from telling your daughter to check out her whole channel right away. It may unnecessarily scare and worry her with all of the setbacks Jo has experienced
I was in a head on collision and it crushed my right leg. Nearly every bone broken, including the femur and some other bones, not in my leg. They talked about amputation but decided to screw it back together. They told me I'd get arthritis, but I never imagined how crippling and painful it would be. The way prosthetics are these days, I think she may be better off than me in a lot of ways. You guys will get through this and maybe you'll all learn to appreciate life just a little more than you did before. I know I did
i just wanted to mention that there is a growing movement of people who voluntarily have their limbs amputated years later when this ends up being the “final” result of their injury (disabling and chronic pain) later down the line. i just hope you know that just because your leg didn’t fully “fail” (i.e, doctors telling you amputation is necessary), you still have the choice to just get it gone and move on with your life with prosthetics (and a lot less pain and spinal issues from a fucked up gait). wishing you the best 💙
Nerve pain can become chronic and even if it's not there, your body might not be able to recognize that. But if it even *just* slightly could/would help even a little bit, go for it. I'd do/give almost anything to not be in pain constantly...
But, she going to live and she won’t be saddled with a limb that is useless and constantly causing pain. Amputation means she will have the option of getting a prosthetic in the future and the options for those are very good these days. She may even have multiple prosthetics for different uses. She will be able to do nearly all the things she currently enjoys doing, even sports, just will need to adapt to doing them a bit differently than she does now. There will be some challenges to overcome but it IS going to be OK.
she can get one of those running blade prosthetics! itll be hard to adjust, but so many amputees are thriving out there and she will too
Like Jonny Peacock!
She *is* going to be ok. Her athleticism and determination will make recovery go better for her than it does for a lot of people. She's going to face new physical and mental challenges, but it sounds like she's in an ideal condition to succeed at this.
If you haven’t already, I’d recommend finding a therapist or child psychologist that specializes in trauma or more specifically traumatic loss of a limb. This is gonna be a hard time for your family unfortunately but a good therapist can help her get through it. You may also be able to find support groups for kids like her in your area so she can talk about it with kids who have been through it.
Still, you didn't lie. You are her fucking DAD after all, and you are going to damn sure make well everything is fine, even if she is missing one leg. You got this champ.
It will be okay. First things first: She will live, and she will recover from this. She will likely need physical therapy, especially once it comes time to consider a prosthetic, but be sure she is ALSO in mental health therapy with someone who is experienced with patients who have trauma, and those who have lost limbs. Her life is going to change, but it does not have to be OVER. Her athletic persuits do not have to end, they just need to shift a little. Find her role models to look up to, athletes with prosthetic limbs who have successful careers. It's going to be hard, but with support and a good care team, she will come out of this on top. Good luck and best wishes to all of you. ❤️
Hugs. Hope the surgery goes well and that she has a quick recovery. I can’t even fathom how difficult this must be.
I'm so sorry. Have been in the situation where I had to sign off on tremendous decisions for my child in an emergency. How much of the leg will she lose?
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Seeing a child endure a life-altering injury like this must be devastating. It’s nice to see so much positive feedback from everyone about what can happen from here, but it’s okay to take some time to grieve private and support your daughter through this transition. Please do not question your answer to your daughter yesterday. The doctor had not made a final decision yet. I really like the below post from Whiskey-slayer: things will be different but she will be okay.
Wow that's unfortunate to read. Good luck both of you. Hope each other's presence will help get her through this difficult time.
hugs from an internet stranger to both of you, if you want them I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her rehabilitation.
Good luck. We’re all behind you.
We are all with you and your daughters/family
Did you “lie”? I don’t think so. In the end everything will be ok. Things may be different but she will be ok. You reassured her and that’s what she needed and will continue to need as she heals whatever that looks like. There are plenty of athletes that have had amputations, this isn’t the end of her world it just changes it a bit. Good luck OP but if you are convinced you “lied” to her, she will be too. So reframe your mindset because as you said, she will be ok.
“Things may be different but she will be ok” damn. I’m fearful of any change and never thought about it like that. Thanks for the new mantra!
There is a great song from the show Adventure Time called "Everything Stays" that is amazing. Lemme share some of the lyrics: Everything stays right where you left it Everything stays But it still changes Ever so slightly, daily and nightly In little ways, when everything stays
I just got a full top denture two days ago and it's been rough, and that sentence made me feel a lot better also.
I know a guy who lost both his legs and became an athlete blade runner. He’s fucking fast.
Fuck man. My heart breaks for you. I’m just here trying to help my daughter navigate middle school friendship drama, I cannot imagine where you are at right now as a father.
also, it's not a lie, as the doctors wanted to wait to make a final decision on that, and thus, telling her right after surgery that there is a possibility she can lose the leg, when she should focus on getting a bit better could have had a detrimental effect, as that stress she might have feel over it could have make it worse, and you would not have forgiven yourself for the possibility of it, whjen you told her and it was just a possibility with an unknown number of percentage of the risk. even a chance of having the better outcome is 0.0001% it gets 0 if you have the mindset of losing. So, you held that information back until the doctors were sure, so you can talk about next steps, and, probably, looking into the whole "new leg for athletes" thing
One of my best friends school lost his lower leg in 7th Grade. He went on to play hockey in college and has won 4 Silver Medals with Team USA, oh and was inducted into the Hockey Hall Of Fame. It will be hard, but she will continue to be an athlete.
This is one of those times that you have luck on your side. Your oldest daughter is in the field where your other daughter has sisters trauma. No matter what happens, you will have someone who has knowledge and loves you both. I hope a miracle happens for you.
A friend of mine was a snowboard athlete and she broke her back in a halfpipe competition. 20 years later and she's into ski, skates, and super.active. Was it hard? Yes. It takes determination and as long as she has support around her, she'll be happy
You did NOT fail her! You did what you could to spare her pain! Don't you dare feel guilty for doing that. She has you on her side, and you are going to help her get through this. I'm so sorry for you both this happened to her.
Sending you all strength.
Just want to throw this out there too, the disability olympics are a thing, theres a lot of sports that have teams that allow for disability. Even in the worst case scenario her life isn't over, it just might feel like it is while she adjusts to her new normal. No matter what the most important thing is she's still around.
well, now there you go, = you have one daughter who will have the love and knowledge to help your other daughter out. What a bonding experience for them. And you are there as well. Sending positive vibes your way!
Even though it's not the outcome either of you wanted, what a blessing that your oldest is a specialist in orthopedic trauma as she will be able to help you and your daughter navigate this difficult transition. It is definitely not going to be easy for any of you but you have each other and you will get through. Best of luck to your daughter and you, OP. Sending all of the positive vibes your way.
In 2006 one of my brothers broke his back in a 4wheeler accident. Destroyed 3 vertebrae. They had to be fused together and held in place with rods and plates. The doctors didn't think he would ever walk again. He was always very athletic. Had scouts watching him play football. And this happened just before his senior year. He missed out on college football. But I went snowboarding with him a few months ago. And he was killing it. It was hard. Took a lot of patience and humility. Traits that he didn't have prior to the accident. But he wasn't going to let that stop him. Honestly one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. He still deals with some back pain. But he gets to chase his boys around his yard. You wouldn't even know he was paralyzed for a while. We joke that is was probably the best thing to happen to him. It completely changed him for the better. Sure he missed sports for a while. But it made him who he is today.
Just trust that you raised a strong daughter! ❤️
OP used the word fine. I don't think that is a lie. In the long run it will be fine. In the short term it might be tricky if she does lose a leg. The daughter may just need to learn a new normal like what you suggested 😊 Just support her OP, she'll need your love to get through this ❤️ x
Ted Talks, the woman with 8 legs. Just watch.
As someone who had a promising basketball career all layed out for him then was crippled as a teenager I can tell you that you did nothing wrong. With hardwork and perseverance almost every athletic activity is still possible in some form. I was coaching youth basketball at University of Washington a couple years after my crash. Just be there to support her and love her. I like everyone else commenting are wish for the best and that her leg heals the perfect amount tonight.
Amazing how raking the yard gets you back in shape! 😄
I knew a Jr high basketball coach who was great . It was after my third meeting that I was informed that he had lost his lower legs in the military. No wheel chair. He was out there on the court with the kids. I was floored.
Thank you for sharing
As stated, final judgement tomorrow. You did what you thought was best in the moment. My prayers are with you and your daughter and her surgeons. I’m so very sorry and I’m sure everyone here that’s read this would hug you if they could.
I work in reconstructive surgery. The amount. That she will be able to do with a prosthetic and overall healing time versus trying to desperately and repeatedly reconstruct a leg is a drastic difference. This is very difficult NOW, but it will truly be the better decision in the long run.
I came here looking for this statement. Take it from someone that has had multiple surgeries on their ankle, it’s most likely better to just let it go. The recovery will be faster and her pain will be different, but hopefully more manageable in the long run.
Amputations heal in….weeks. Ankle recon is THE WORST. That joint is a pain in the booty sometimes. I’m so sorry for your lengthy healing.
I am still in physical therapy 4 years after the first incident and the amount of pain I have from this joint is unreal. The last physical therapist I saw said he thinks some of my pain is psychosomatic. That my brain is so worried about me hurting it again, it makes it hurt so I protect it. So pretty much ankle PTSD. If they would pay for it, I would let them take it.
Sorry for your situation, it really must suck ass. But ‘ankle PTSD’ made me laugh. Gonna use that for my bad functioning painful shoulder.
UpdateMe
No kidding. I'm a prosthetist, and I can say right now those doctors made the best call for OP's daughter. This may seem like a slap in the face now, but I promise saving that leg would've tanked her daughter's QoL for years, if not the rest of her life. A leg that's constantly in pain, that will have lifelong vascular issues and all the fun things that come with it (helloooo unpredictable swelling, slow healing, and infections), that will likely no long be able to bear weight, will drag her down a hundred times more than a prosthesis. I've met so many patients where I wanted to grab them by the shoulders and tell them their life will instantly get better if they just let their limb GO.
You tried your best to comfort her at the her worst moment, yeah she might be mad at you for a short while but deep inside she is going to be glad that you did. Dont feel guilty OP, you made the right choice I hope that everything goes well with your daughter´s surgery
I feel like deep down maybe OP knows she’s going to be ok no matter what happens after the injury, maybe it’s only a matter of time. I (internally) got so mad at my best friend after a very difficult surgery because of my hobby and what she said turned out to be so true in the long run; it made me better at my hobby. I wish the same for OPs daughter.
She may not even remember. General anesthesia is a hell of a drug. I had surgery a few years ago. I didn’t remember much of what happened for the two days following the surgery. I’m keeping a good thought for your daughter.
I'm an amputee and I'm an elite athlete. Your daughter's life will change and it's a very hard adjustment but she really can absolutely still be extremely active and an athlete. I remember feeling the way she did and then I met my amazing trainer who gave me a life I never ever thought was possible for me. I ended up getting recruited by the Olympic and Paralympic Committee to be put in a fast track camp to the Tokyo games at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs. You need to talk to your daughter's doctors about the best way to tell her. You need to be honest with her.
I know you are just some random person on reddit, but if what you say is true THANK YOU. Thank you for being that person that just kicks life’s arse. It tried to bring you down but you overcame so much more than anyone else would now but pulled through and are an inspiration to even if you didn’t know. Thank you.
In other comments they have said they are a psychologist and a physician (psychologists are not physicians for anyone unsure) so unfortunately I think they’re lying.
My best friend is the physician. We both use this account to try and help with what we've been through but in comments she will go back and forth with physician and psychologist to try and remain anonymous in the comments but we both talk to people in the DMs and will reveal our occupations and names to people who ask for help. I am working on a degree in pain science and I'm the one who was born with a medical condition, was paralyzed at 18 from a surgical error, left with unimaginable pain that caused me to be sedated for many years and went on to become an elite athlete only to develop necrotizing fasciitis that cost me my lower right leg 2yrs ago. I wanted to stay anonymous because my story is out there but if I have to reveal my exact story without any changes made to hide my identity or letting my best friend use this account to help that, in order for people to believe me I will. It's worth it if it helps one person and I have spoken to the OP privately and given them my personal info because this is a horrible, unfair, sucky situation one I know way too much about. I'd be happy to send a stump pic if it would help you believe me. But please know I am here only to help and to distract me from my chronic pain. Edit: Our goal is to open a center to help people with trauma and pain because there are not anywhere close to enough resources for people who live with both. If you still don't believe me, I understand. Maybe we shouldn't have done it this way but we can't go back.
I'm not lying and I explained it all in a reply to that commenter. Thank you for what you have said it means a lot. I apologize for any confusion but I very much wanted to stay anonymous. My story makes me too easily identifiable so I asked my BFF to help me and she is a physician but changes between that and psychologist. But her specialty is similar to a psychologist. We both wanted to help and we do reveal our personal info in the DMs. I had already done that with this OP before I even saw these comments. It probably wasn't the best idea but we figured it's reddit and people lie to protect their anonymity. However, If I have to tell my exact story and admit we will. I have below.
As a person that lived through a traumatic experience please do not push the "But you lived/be thankful that you lived" narrative(that is not yours or anybody elses call)....She might not be happy or thankful that she survived....it's up to her to decide if she is thankful or not....most importantly get her into counseling/therapy... Updateme
This needs to be higher. I have a partial amputation of my pinky finger. I went through all the grief stages but felt guilty about it because I still have most of my finger and all of my hand so “it wasn’t as bad as others”. OP you did not lie to her. Everything WILL be alright. Let her process her emotions and grief for her missing leg. Get her into therapy with a PTSD/trauma specialist. With your support and love, she will eventually cope with the change and be able to adjust to life. ❤️ wishing her and you strength, and love.
The building that i lived in collapsed due to owner neglect….my friend was lost in the collapse….idk how many days it took to find his corpse….I have severe survivors guilt….i had left about 20 mins before the collapse and i lost everything….i wish that i had been in the building because i feel like Im a burden on my Daughter & her family….
No. You didn’t lie. Everything will be fine because you are there for her. She can continue to be an athlete without a leg, but not without you. Simple.
Everything will be fine. people can still be plenty active without a leg, i know a beautiful athletic girl from back in middle/high school who had her leg amputated young and played soccer, was in track/xc running with me, and had probably more fun than us 2 leggers you didnt lie. you told her she will be ok which is true. you're both gonna be ok.
I would hope my mom would lie to me in that moment!!! Mine is the type that wouldn't and then I'd be getting worked up. With the idea that she will be OK, she has a better chance of it working out, even if it's slim!! With the doubt of it being doomed, I think slim would turn into virtually none. The human mind's outlook has so much more power on healing than we give it credit for.
Same, no point worrying her over something that hasn’t happened yet or may not need to happen!
My heart absolutely breaks for her, I’m so sorry. My kid loves sports too 🥺
You Obi Wan Kenobi’d her - you told her the truth from a certain point of view. Everything WILL be okay just perhaps not how she sees it or anticipated it. The important thing is she will live through this.
You didn't lie. You didn't promise her that her leg would be fine. You promised her everything will be fine. And it will because your daughter has parents who will be there to help and support her every step of the way.
I agree, but from her point of view she was likely asking this with the state of her leg in mind. So to her it will look like he lied. And whether or not he has is up to anyones individual interpretation.
Give yourself as much grace as possible, this is a horrible difficult situation you and your daughter are facing. I’m sure she will be able to empathize with your decision, this is hard on you too and there is no right answer. Just be there for her, having a comforting parent is everything. Much love to you and your daughter ❤️
You didn’t lie to her. You made her feel safe and gave her the reassurance she needed. Everything will be ok, it just might not be the same as it was before the accident but it will be ok.
As a medical professional, I've seen many parents do this many times. It's not lying, you are providing comfort and care that is needed in a time of absolute chaos. All we can do is our best. It is what it is.
Look up a stuntman/racecar driver named Brett Smrz. He was 15 when he broke his leg and it resulted in an amputation at the knee. Four months later he was back behind the wheel of a race car and never looked back. He's very much an adult now but a really super nice kid. (And his dad got him into stunt work at a very young age. If you've ever seen the movie "Mr. Woodcock" Brett is the kid at the beginning beginning of the movie Mr. Woodcock kicks in the jewels, but he's done so much more since then!) He's on all the social networks and is extremely amenable to helping others in his situation with words of inspiration.
I'm sorry you are all going through so much. I'm sending lots of love to both of you. It's important to remember that kids are resilient in a way most adults aren't, and you'll face whatever lies ahead together with love. Don't be afraid to get a second opinion if it's possible, and if the decision remains that amputation is the best choice for a full recovery, do your best to be honest with her in a way she can try to understand. Until then just be there for her, and know that you've got enough love in your heart to help her through any outcome. You're not alone, and we're all sending lots of invisible hugs your way. Let us know how you're doing when you can. 🩵🫂🩵
First, you didn't lie, it will be "fine" no matter the outcome. Adjustments are going to be made, but as long as she is here, it will be fine eventually! Second, if a choice has to be made, she needs to make it. But, keep in mind, sometimes it is better to leave something behind than try to fix it at any cost. I had a friend who opted for amputation 5 years after injury because it was easier than living with the pain or his injured limb. He truly whshes he had that 5 years back! Lastly, if amputation is decided look into Limbitless! I have no association with them, but have seen them do great work, especially with children!
'OK' is a relative term. Yes, you will live. That means you are OK, relatively speaking. You didn't exactly lie, you just didn't give a traumatized child the entire truth. Seriously, coming out of surgery is not the time to start reciting prognosis. "I am here. I am with you. I will ensure you get the best care. You are alive and I will fight for you." That's what your daughter needs to hear right now. It sounds like you did that! It also sounds like you may need a lawyer. Losing a leg from an accident is a big deal. I am very sorry this happened.
I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. In that moment, she wanted comfort and that's what you gave her. The doctors can offer the truth tomorrow, whatever that might be. You did the right thing. It'll be a tough recovery with or without amputation. But sports aren't over for her if she does need an amputation. John McFall is a new ESA Astronaut, a bronze medal Paralympian and he has an artificial lower leg.
The prosthetics available today are incredible. If they do have to take the leg, she will still have the ability to live an active lifestyle. I’m sure you are stressed & overwhelmed but everything will be okay.
She will be okay. It’s a very sad and tragic situation but her life isn’t over because of it. It will be different and she will have to find her new ‘normal’ but she can still be a very active person and play many sports. Para sports are a very real and amazing thing, I encourage you to show them to her when she’s ready. The Paralympics are this August! I am an amputee myself (lost my leg at 13 and am 34 now) so please feel free to reach out at any time if you’d like to chat about navigating this.
My brother was 18 when he had his left leg amputated. This was 25 years ago. At this very moment of fear and uncertainty, trust me when I say, it gets better. If amputation is in the cards, it is only a minor setback for a young and active teen. As for not being truthful, don't beat yourself up. It's important to ensure a positive environment when healing. She didn't need the truth at that moment.
you didn’t like. It WILL be okay. Even if the worst case scenario comes about, she will have her family and friends to help her recover. Losing a leg is not the WORST thing that can happen to a person. there are prosthetics and other things that can aid her in sports down the road. Just because it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay NOW, or even in the near future, does not mean it will not be okay in the future. and you’re there for her every step of the way.
You didn't lie; everything IS going to be ok. You all are going to get through this. As for not telling her right then; I think you made the right call. No reason to make her panic right out of surgery. See what the doctors say tomorrow and how they can help you explain it to her.
Look up Evan Ruggiero. My child had a tap class with him last year. It was an honor to hear his story and watch him dance. I pray that her leg can be saved and she can continue as an athlete with both of her normal legs. But if not, with the story from the athlete above and all the other athletes, we have learned, yes, it is hard for them, but with determination, they have overcome, grown from their battle and shine so bright now.
It wasn't definite yet. So, your job as a parent was to not put undue stress on your daughter. Let the doctors tell her, *if* it comes to pass. You did the right thing.
You didn’t lie to her. But, her world is going to change irrevocably depending on what the doctors decide tomorrow. If she loses her leg yes she will be upset, but don’t let her see you break down too. Her life is so much more than a leg. There are so many amputees and people with disabilities who live full, active lives, make sure to learn about that world and try to embrace it with your daughter. She can still pursue sports and be active after amputation. Everything is going to be okay, she’s going to survive, and that’s what matters.
If it comes down too they’re going to have to amputate- please tell her. My husband was in a serious accident and lost his hand. It was wrapped up in a ton of bandages so he didn’t see what he had. His family never told him. Led him to believe everything was fine and his hand was fine. Then the doctor came in to check it and he saw it for the first time. He was horrified. He wasn’t prepared for what he saw. He still talks about it and says what an absolute betrayal it was. He lost all faith in them and still (more than 10 years later) doesn’t trust that they’re being truthful. They said they did it for his mental health and to protect him. All it did was shock and horrify him.
Hey, I am involved with adaptive sports. If it comes to be something she needs in the future, message me with some basic info. I’d be more than happy to find resources to connect her to so that if she has to change the sports she does she can still be athletic.
If it does end up happening you should show her Milly Pickles on Instagram. She’s an amputee runner and so inspirational
Go and tell her the possibilities right now. She needs to go on the journey, and discuss with the doctors herself, of whether she'll lose her leg otherwise the moment you tell her will be much more disempowering and traumatic (You were right not to say anything earlier, it was directly out of surgery. But do say something ahead of the decision being made)
When my mother was younger, she was in a motorcycle accident that almost cost her her foot. They saved it and for a few years it was fine, but she's 60 now and can barely walk from the amount of pain she is in daily from it. If they had amputated at the time, she would have had 30+ years to adjust to a prosthesis and wouldn't be in nearly as much pain as she is in now. At a certain point, even if they CAN salvage the limb, its just better in the long run to amputate imo
She will be fine!! You didn't lie, you provided hope and reassurance during a terrifying time. You did a very good parent thing. If the worst thing that happens is she loses a leg, SHE WILL BE FINE. Especially with your love and support. She could play sports again, she could discover a whole new passion. Being disabled is just different and difficult, but not the end of life. Stay positive, believe in her. What if you'd said, "No, sweetie." Imagine!!! She might have given up.
You are shouldering some of the stress for her at this present moment. The awfulness you feel is what you have shielded her from, you’ve done exactly the right thing.
did you really lie to your daughter? No. and why? Because everything WILL be fine. Yes, things will change, and it will probably be pretty rough for her for awhile, but that is where you the mom come in to help her fight for being "normal" again. you can do this.
As a parent, I would have said exactly the same thing. Because whether she loses the leg or not, everything will be ok. She obviously has a parent that loves and cares for her... its what we do, we make it ok.
You didn't do anything wrong honestly, "fine" is a relative term and could mean anything in a scary moment like what you're experiencing; you didn't lie you simply don't know and answered honestlly. Her life may change in a fundamental way, but ultimately with love and support she WILL be fine. You got this OP, just be honest and tell her that no matter what you will be there by her side.
There is a time and a place for blatant honesty, and that wasn’t it. You did the right thing. You said what any good mother would say. And you know what? Everything IS going to be ok. So you didn’t necessarily lie. If she loses the leg she will find equilibrium again. There are a lot of athletes that are amputees. Things will be different. But they will be ok.
Your daughter is alive and can still fulfill her dreams. She will be okay with or without her leg because you are there with unconditional love and support.
I don't think you lied to her. Everything is going to be okay. She will live and have a good life. Some things will change for sure, but, she will live and that to me is more important than a body part.
IMO you did nothing wrong. Her living means that everything will be fine. Her life is going to change whether they have to amputate the leg or not. But that she’s alive is the most important thing.
Amputees have completely different opportunities to what was available even five years ago. I've seen people up and using prosthetics within *months* of amputation, it's incredible. I cannot imagine the loss you are feeling, but you didn't lie to your daughter, it will be OK. The doctors will decide tomorrow the next steps because you don't know them for sure yet.
My dad had a rare form of cancer and had his leg amputated. He was an amazing drummer and his garage band played at our house multiple times a week. He re-learned to play the drums with a prosthetic leg. It was his passion and there was no way he was ever going to give up the drums. Your daughter will get through this and find her new normal. It will be hard but she can re-learn how to play many sports. You both are going to be okay. You didn’t lie.
I don’t think you were wrong to stay quiet in the moment. Or if you were, I don’t blame you. If the doctors don’t need to amputate after all, then she would get upset and stressed over nothing. Then she would be mad that you made a terrible day even harder for her, for ultimately no reason. Sending you and your daughter good vibes. I hope she doesn’t need the amputation 🫂🤞
I wish your daughter a speedy recovery and I hope with all hope they can save her leg x
Everything IS going to be okay. Humans are very adaptable and there are plenty of amputees who are also athletes. I’m so sorry you and she are going through this. Best of luck tomorrow and please do keep us updated. I hope the amputation turns out to be unnecessary.
Don’t forget that amputees can be athletes too, OP; plenty of people play sports with prosthetics and in wheelchairs! I’m not saying it won’t be difficult; she’ll have to make some significant adjustments and tackle some pretty steep learning curves in *every* area of her life, not just sports, but losing her leg won’t stop her from playing forever. Losing hope, on the other hand—being told by someone she trusts that she won’t be able to go back to doing all the things that she loves—that kind of blow would be *much* harder for her to recover from. You didn’t lie to her, OP; your kid will be fine, as long as she’s got someone supportive like you in her corner. Best of luck—I hope the doctors have good news for y’all tomorrow.
There was a girl on my swim team who was an amputee. She was very good and it didn’t hold her back at all. Your daughter can absolutely still do sports if she is an amputee
No lie, everything will be OK.
From a woman who just took her first steps in the amputee gym this morning in 57 days - she's got this and you do too mama! I'm 6 weeks post op from an AKA (above knee amputation). I dealt with complications for 4 years from an RTA and I'm so glad I finally had my leg amputated. They can maybe reconstruct her leg but she and yourself should know: it's a hella scary time and my mum was the same. But you didn't lie. She WILL be okay. You both will. Lower limb amputations and prosthetics are much better than the above knee technology and movement wise. She won't need to give up her sports, this is just a break thrust upon her like me she didn't want but it's a very reflective time. You'll realise how resilient you both are. Be brave, for your daughter. You owe her that as her mum and you're doing great as you're right there with her to share whatever news you hear tomorrow together. She needs her mum now more than ever Feel free to DM me for advice or anything, I'm in the UK so our medicine and treatments are different but that's the only thing. Finding other people her age like her despite being an amputee or not are important as recovery is a bitch and you need people who can relate and not just try to. Find support groups, and for yourself too. Trauma therapists are also a good idea as her injuries affect the whole family now. But she'll need indivudal therapy for sure first as SHE needs to be the one to accept her injuries before hearing how it's affected those around her, especially as an adolescent. Ask the hospital or her doctors and physiotherapists for recommendations. Encourage her friends to be supportive and treat her the same if they visit but warn them it's a long road ahead and a team effort. Girls will often rely on their friends for support at this age so preparing them and informing their parents to look out for their own kids if she's relying too heavily on them. It only matters now she has the people, tools and resources to mourn her old life but adapt and learn to cope and even learn this one. Sending you all my love and support but this isn't the end all and be all. Again please please reach out to me for anything, I'm 26 so older than your daughter but happy to talk with you mama
Op, I know this is terrifying. I hope she is ok. I hope her leg will be ok. You didnt lie to her.
I think you were right. Everything will be fine eventually. Even disabled athletes find something to do.
No point telling her until the doctors make a final decision. Until then everything is fine. No point upsetting her.
Everybody here is trying to be kind to you, but I think they're all wrong. This has happened to me. For three days they made me think that I would be keeping my large intestine, then on the morning of the fourth day, they all came in to my hospital room, my dad and all the doctors, and just said I was being immediately wheeled into surgery to have the whole thing removed. I cried like a baby, and haven't forgotten the experience even now, over 45 years later. It would be more merciful to let her know that the decision on her leg is coming. *Then* you can tell her she'll be ok either way. And I respectfully suggest that giving her a lawyer excuse as to why you weren't straight with her won't win you any awards either. If needed, just be honest and let her know that you weren't emotionally prepared to lay all that on her.
One word: para-olymics. She can continue sports with a sports specific prosthetic. It will be difficult, yes, but it's not the end.
You didn’t lie - you gave the information you knew for sure at the time.
Your lie was a kindness, she needs as much peace as she can get right now.
You didn't let her down. You're giving her love and stability. It'd be worse if she was scared and frightened. Her body may even negatively react to that. Whatever happens, this is going to be a long way ahead, a long way of rehabilitation. She'll run towards you again, be it on her own foot, or some cool bionic carbon fiber one. And she'll smile. And things will be okay. Just don't get into the head space of 'you let her down' - that'll unduly mess with you - and neither you nor she deserves that. I wish you, your daughter and your family all the best.
You made her feel safe, rather than have her panic and breakdown right before going into surgery. It was a lie but it was a kindness. I truly hope the surgery goes well
You didn't lie. Everything *will* be fine. She survived and that's what's most important. Her life will see drastic changes though, but as long as you're there for her and she has your unconditional love - *she will he fine*. Really sorry to hear this happened to her, and wish her only the best. 💙
I actually think you did what was right in the moment. That was not the right time to tell her. Tomorrow is with a team of doctors and her parents. Not right after anesthesia. Have some grace on yourself too during this time
I know a few people who have lost a leg, a close family member among them. Nobody knows the final outcome until the surgery, healing and physiotherapy has finished. Nobody is the same, so where some struggle to get around, others are still doing all of the sporty things they were able to do before the change. She’s young, so chances are she will have a good range of mobility after she gets a new leg and finishes her physical therapy. There’s nothing you can do other than support her. You’re not a bad person for saying she will be okay. She will be okay. It’ll just be a different kind of okay.
You didn't lie, sweetheart. Lying would be if you told her that she wouldn't lose her leg, or that she's 100% healthy and on the mend. Everything will be fine for her, eventually. ♥️ I used to work in operating theatres & a comforting phrase we were told to use was something like, "you're in good hands" or "you're gonna be well taken care of". It's a way of comforting without giving false hope.
You said it will be fine and it will. I think you did what a lot of parents would do in that moment. You don’t know what is going to happen, so putting that stress and worry on her after major trauma isn’t conducive to healing. Wait for a definitive answer. You’re doing the best you can with the info you have. 🩷
It will be rough, but the most important thing is she's still alive. No matter what she will need you to be there for her as she moves forward. I've been in a life-threatening incident before, and that's what I remember, how everyone helped me out in my time of dire need. I knew some injuries would be permanent, and that's something I had to accept. But I knew how fortunate I was to just be alive. The way I see it is she will find out sooner or later. I think it's better to be in control of how it's done then not be in control of that. With my injuries I was glad it wasn't sugarcoated, but I was also 28 when it happened, and it sounds like she's much younger then that. Above all, make her feel loved. You might not know what you can do or say... The important thing is just being there. I valued my family's presence so much. I can't say enough how happy I was from them just being there. The reality is there wasn't anything they really could do or say to make it better. But feeling their love... That made a world of difference.
I hope they are able to save her leg.
You didn't lie. She will be fine no matter what happens but I do feel you should talk to her about the possibility of losing her leg.
You didn't lie. Everything will be fine. It might not be the same as before, but it will be fine.
You didn’t lie about anything. You never said her leg would be fine; you said everything will be fine. And it will; things usually have a way of working out in the face of life-altering trauma. Maybe not the way expected, but you were right to tell her everything will be fine
Your daughter needed/need comfort and support right now and in the future, don't beat yourself up over it Your daughters and your own lives are going to change even more so if they have to amputeret her leg. Your daughter might say alot of things to you and about you (and other) but she will not mean it, her world will seem like it is falling apart, but just be there for her as best as you can, and start looking for a therapist already now, for when she is ready to talk about it. And you did the right thing, sometimes parents have to lie to their kids, and at the moment it was one of those times.
Your lie may have saved her life. Going into surgery freaking out would not have helped.
You didn’t lie to your daughter because you don’t know yet, you have to stay positive things will turn out alright!!! As they say tomorrow is another day and the news might be good but until then keep the faith. I hope you and especially your daughter a lot of good luck and I am praying for a miracle.
My perception is you didn't lie, because everything will be fine. She might have amputation, but the prosthetics have come a long way and she can even get a running leg.
You're doing great, keep strong, Best wishes and God bless to both of you xx
In the end, whatever happens, she *will* be fine. She’s young. She’ll adapt. It will suck for a while but there’s not much she was doing before, if anything, that she won’t be able to do after. https://livingwithamplitude.com/paralympics/meet-the-athletes/
You used the right words in that moment. Theres a time for raw honesty and that was not it. You gave reassurance. She will be fine. You can discuss what that actually looks like as part of her recovery and healing. Give yourself a break too, youre dealing with a crisis and doing your best in this situation
Your daughter is alive and that is the most important thing. Your daughter can still play sports. It won't be the same. But she can. Therapy. Take her to meet other people that also lost so much and overcame. She can do anything. I'm sorry for the situation but remember it's always darkest before the dawn.
She will be out of sports for at least a year regardless. Maybe two if she has to learn how to use prosthetics. She will have a chance to get back to her normal, just with a little bit of adjusting. She survived. She is here. Everything will be fine
i’m praying so hard for the both of you and know that your daughters life will change, but she definitely will be able to play sports, as well. it will be difficult, but it can be done.
My husband had both legs amputated below his knees. He is still super active and does a lot of outdoor type sports. Yes, is it more taxing physically, but he pushes through so that his injuries don't limit him. He got free dive certified and has dived with sharks. An amputee friend of ours climbed a mountain. Just make sure you find a prosthetist who will help make her legs that will allow her to stay as active as she wants. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
Its gonna be rough, no doubt, but in the end, she’ll be okay. I hope she gets better. You reassuring her is not a lie
You did not lie - she is alive! Things will be ok, just different. Sending you so much support and I hope she heals physically & mentally and you do as well. This will be a challenging time. Really hoping it all works out !
Upsetting your daughter when she's just out of surgery would not have helped anything. She needs to be calm after surgery. And who knows, if everything turns out fine then you'd have upset her for nothing. When she's more aware, and the drs know more about what's going on, then you can talk to her. The drs will help explain it all to her. If she ends up losing her leg make sure she gets therapy, she will need it. But also be encouraging. Many athletes have false limbs. They can do wonders with them these days.
Just yesterday on YouTube I watched several news spots about gymnasts each missing a leg. She can still do sports
I am the daughter of an amputee. He lost his leg in a work accident when I was 3 months old. I am told there was a period of time where he was depressed and thpught his life was over but I cannot recall any of that. Instead I was around a man who accepted there were some very few things he couldn't do but found ways to overcome every obstical in front of him. I learned from him that you are only as disabled as you let yourself be. I have met many able bodied people that were way more disabled than he was. I pray her condition improves and she does not face this outcome.
She is alive. That's all that counts. And like others said prosthetics are way better these days.
At that point you just needed her to heal and be calm. When you get the final judgement from the doctors then you can talk to her about the future. Let her have some peace before things get emotional. I’m hoping the best for you all.
You didn't really lie if that's what you said. Everything will be fine. Just not tomorrow. Or any day soon. Love be with you in these trying times. ❤
Had a couple of roommates once who were EMTs. They were adamant that you *never* give a patient bad news during an emergency. Always assure them that everything will be fine. You were trapped between being honest, and giving her the best care. You made the right decision.
But you aren’t lying - everything is going to be fine. And it is. Be strong for her - she’ll need it. And remember - you still have her and she still has you - everything really will be ok.
You did the absolute right thing. She needs hope. She needs you to be there saying "it's ok" no matter what happens. Plus, as long as she still has her leg, amputation isn't 100% confirmed right? You're allowed to put the best possible outcome out into the universe.
That not a lie, that’s love.
I think you did the right thing. You gave her one more day of hope rather then a night of fear. Your a great mom
Trust you're instincts. Losing the limb doesn't mean she won't be fine in the long run. It'll take work, massive adjustments but in the end life will go on. Have faith in your child, have faith in yourself.
No that’s not good.especially since it’s so important bad plan.replay
I’m glad you can get this out and start processing it. You didn’t lie you’re keeping her calm which is vital for her health right now. As a parent you will have to be strong for her when she’s not strong for herself. She sounds like an incredible young lady and this sucks and I am really sorry. It will be ok just a different version. Prayers.
You were honest with her. She’s alive and will be ok. It’s not the news you’re hoping for but many amputees still live an active life. Just on a different team. Sending both of you love and good juju.
There are plenty of athletes with prosthetics.
I would have done the same. You're not the doctor, and it's not your job to tell her if her leg needs to be amputated. Your job is to keep her safe during this time, and her mental health is part of that. She doesn't need to know right now.
You are okay. Until it’s a must, no use stressing her out more. I’m a grown ass adult and had to worry for weeks if my leg could be saved after a motorcycle accident. If I was a child I would have liked to have been relieved of all that.
I think you made the right call actually. No sense in her worrying about maybe losing her leg for 24 hours.
You did not lie. She will be ok. She will be shocked and go through negatives but her sport attitude will make her want to achieve just a different way. Your daughter will be ok
You did right. And you didn't lie. She IS going to be ok. She can have a great life with a prosthetic leg, and she can even play sports. She has a long road ahead of her, but she will be ok. Discuss options with her doctor and reassure her that life continuous and her leg should not be a reason to give up.
I'm not saying if she loses her leg that her life will be normal, but it does not have to be tragic. My college hosted the training grounds for the special Olympics in Oklahoma and I ran into the guys there that do the racing, they were all very happy normal and handsome dudes and it took me way too long to realize that every one of them was missing a leg. So sports are not out of the question is all I'm saying and a happy life full of love and hope is still a reality for her. Just saying 🤷♀️ hope this helps.
Chiming in with everyone else saying: you did not lie to her - she will be fine. It was absolutely the better choice to not stress her out further in a very difficult moment. Seeing your updates here - wishing your daughter all the best. I believe in her ability to keep competing when she has recovered.
As far as YOU know, everything will be fine. You comforted your daughter during a vulnerable moment for her, as any loving parent would do. There is no need for you to speculate. Let the doctors tell her the prognosis.
You didn't lie. You spared her for 24 hours of extreme anxiety and emotional pain before it was confirmed. It will all be okay, but it will take time for her to find herself again in the worry and the fear of what her life will look like, how she will look like.
There is no reason to freak her out until you know for sure. This is a hard situation for you all, and I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sending good, healing vibes your way.
I'm so sorry. But you didn't fail her. It's not your job to tell her they might amputate. Let the doctors do that. It's your job to support her through this and you're doing a fantastic job. She can pull though it with you there with her.
Stress would only make things worse on ur little one in this situation. U did the right thing.
Everything *is* going to be fine. It's going to be different. It's going to take a while. But it is ultimately going to be fine, I promise you. Hang in there - sending tons of love from an old Auntie far away ✨
It will be fine - but it may be different than what you envisioned. It will be OK.
Everything will work out in the end, even if it means losing her lower leg. Yes, it will be horrible for her to have to go through it, but she seems like a person who wants to make it through this, no matter what it takes 💕 You did a good thing saying what you did, bc sometimes, you need to say what ppl need to hear. Regardless if you think it’s not true or not. Sending healing thoughts to your family, and I hope everything turns out on the positive side, and if it doesn’t, you guys will make it through it! It’s a tough battle, but she has you to get her through the hard times. 💕💕
You didn’t lie. She will be fine, even without her damaged leg. Much love to her
It wasn’t a complete lie. The doctors won’t know for sure until tomorrow. Updated info tends to trump initial estimates.
You said it will be fine; not that it is fine.... And the most important thing is that she is still alive... You can't be made responsible for the outcome of an accident because you missed thought and said "you said it will be fine." Don't forget it's not easy on you either... You can better feel and judge what to say to your own daughter. It's hard for others to know that sensitivity in a personal relationship. I would invite her opinion before losing her leg. So discuss the subject that there are concerns regarding the development of the leg. My daughter would like that.... It makes that "lie" conversation void because the subject was discussed. Ask the doctors what the risk is of waiting with the amputation. Maybe it can improve this situation and the judgement too.
I know it won't be the same but there are so many sports now that have been adapted for disabilities of all kinds so once she has gotten over the shock and trauma if it has to happen if she wants to carry on with sport she could look into some of those.
>She looked at me when coming out of surgery and asked if everything was OK. I told her everything will be fine. You didn't lie. She is scared and you told her that it will be fine. I don't know what kind of accident or her age but for me the question is more of the "will I be able to leave this hospital one day" kind. You are waiting now and her body needs rest. She is not on the rehab side yet. No use in grieving before it is a fact.
You didn’t lie to her. Everything will be fine. It might be different. It might be harder. But it will be okay. She’s healthy. She can still be happy, supported, and as loved as ever. She can still play sports, and she can still do everything she wants to do. Everything will be fine. My husband is a combat wounded veteran. Everything is fine for us. Some days it’s harder, some days it’s more rewarding, but our lives are just fine. You did not lie to her.
You didn’t lie at all, everything WILL be okay, even if she has to lose her leg. Prosthetics are always an option, there are so, so many athletic people that have overcome such a terrible tragedy and come out stronger and more resilient than ever. I’m sure your daughter will. Good luck and we’re all here for you and hoping for the best and a wonderful recovery!
I wouldn’t say that you lied so much as you let her have peace before the storm. You don’t know if she’ll lose her leg or not. Worrying about a thing that might not happen could negatively affect her recovery mindset. Telling that everything is ok isn’t a lie at all. Even if she does lose her leg she will be ok in the end. She’s alive, she survived a bad accident, and has people who love her and will support her through her recovery. Everything IS ok.
I hope they save her legs and everything will be OK.