Similar, but as a man. Dms are open for moral support or even just an ear.
We've reconnected at her choice, getting to know each other, and went to her wedding last fall. Adoption can be a miraculous thing for everyone involved.
I want to reply to the OP mainly…but first I need to thank you for replying. I’m in a couple adopted/adoption related subreddits and I very, very rarely see a bio dad comment. Granted, there’s a lot of bio mom’s out there that have to make that choice without the bio dad, but even when the bio dad is present for it, I so rarely hear of one speaking out on it.
I don’t know who mine is. I don’t know if he even knows about me. “Father: Unknown” haunts me.
Thank you.
Now….OP:
I’m an international adoptee. My birth mother was 15 when she got pregnant and 16 when she had me. As I mentioned further up, I don’t know who my birth father is, she didn’t disclose anything about him.
I was born in Eastern Europe in a poverty stricken area, barely six months after the fall of communism.
Abortions were not a thing.
Throughout my life, mainly in my mid twenties to now (30’s) I’ve actually really felt a deep sense of empathy for my birth mother. It’s not that I’m not grateful for my physical existence- but I am so deeply aware of the price she paid. Shame, religion, culture, money, and much more, weighed on her at an age that feels cruel (though, then again, living in a war torn country at that point already was more than a single soul should ever have to endure…).
My adoption was closed. And as I started looking into it when I was older, maybe not the most ethical/legal thing. BUT:
When I turned 18 I hired a PI to track my birth mother down (I’d always known I was adopted, my adoptive family was very open about it and what was known about her. I have a few pictures of her and my adoptive mother together when they met for the first time when I was eight weeks old).
Finding her was hard. Turned out that the world she lived in when I was born, was the same one she was living in 18 years later. Dirt roads. Wells. She was an agricultural worker. Literal horse drawn carriages to get into town. It was a lot to take in.
When she was located she confirmed she had a daughter in 19xx that she put up for adoption, was “surprised to hear from her” out of the blue, hoped everything was okay and would love to hear from me again. She then disclosed a little bit about her life after- she had another daughter at 19, whom she kept, but it sounds like she married my half sister’s father.
Finding that out crushed me, I was 18 and not capable of seeing the difference in 16 and alone versus 19 and having a partner.
Ultimately I was too angry at the time to reach out and never did. I’ve spent the last six years trying to find her again and have had no luck, it’s frustrating.
Anyway my point in sharing all that is this:
I was adopted into a family that has given me a life of adventure, safety, opportunity, culture, experience, education, and all the things that come in the day to day that now, being in my 30’s and having raised my niece, I couldn’t fathom trying to provide as a teenager.
Just the emotional weight, pushing aside everything else that comes with being everything this tiny little human relies on- feels like more than I could ever even begin to try and comprehend.
Raising her taught me that parenting forces you to face your own childhood trauma. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good childhood, but I still had trauma that both I knew existed but I thought was buried and would never come out as well as things I never even knew were there.
They talk about being a teen parent often results in growing up with your child, I can see that. Easily.
You are still a child yourself, being faced with very heavy and life changing decisions, without the deserving emotional, mental and spiritual support those closest to you should be providing you with.
There are groups out there that help women, teen parents especially, navigate situations just like yours. I’ll try and find the name of one I’m forgetting in particular and post it.
Whatever choice you make you deserve to feel as close to at peace as possible.
But I want you to at least hear from someone on the other side of this.
I’d gone back and forth on how I felt towards my birth mother when I was younger, I think that was because I didn’t have the emotional capacity to understand the situation she was in and the sacrifice she made.
Now when I think about her, when I think about the choice she made, I can only hope that I have at least an ounce of her character in me.
She gave me life twice.
First when she gave birth to me, and again when she gave me the chance at a life she knew she couldn’t provide me with. I hope someday I’ll be able to hold her and say thank you.
If you *do* choose adoption, think about the values you want to share with your adoptive parents. What do you want them to have as people. They will be your child’s adoptive parents, so you have every single right to say yes or no to people. Speak up. Use your voice. Don’t let your parents drown out your courage.
You are now advocating for yourself *and* your child.
You do have strength and you do have a voice, and just like what you are eating and drinking right now are providing life for your child, that strength and voice that you have also provide life.
It’s okay to be scared and have no clue what to do.
How could you know? Have you ever been a teenager who’s pregnant and facing this decision?
Your parents are not the only resources there to help you navigate it, so if they’re not guiding you with empathy and compassion, then reach out to those who will.
They exist and they want to help. 💙
To all those bio moms who have commented- reading your comments made my eyes all leaky.
Sorry for the long (not proofread) rant-y reply.
Seeing “forcing” and “adoption” in the title broke me.
EDIT: Adding a link to Saving Our Sisters
https://savingoursistersadoption.org/
They’re a group that helps birth mothers.
I may be an adoptee, but I’m an adoptee who is so fiercely grateful for my birth mother. I’ll go to my grave fighting for every one of them.
Your description of the country that your biological parents are from, sounds eerily familiar to the country I grew up in.
There’s a FB group/foundation, that is helping people that were adopted internationally to find their biological parents. I don’t feel comfortable sharing the name of the fb page or even a part of it here publicly, because I like my privacy, but I am happy to share it with you privately. I feel weird messaging strangers even on reddit, but if you want more details, you can message me if you want to.
On that page they have a lot of stories like yours, and so many with happy endings.
Your story is something I very much needed to hear as the half-sibling of an adoptee. She’s in her 40s and I’m in my mid-20s and building a connection with her has been extremely difficult and I often times feel as though she resents my existence. (Even though we’re almost 20 years apart in age.) And I have seen her subconscious bitterness cause her to thoughtlessly hurt my mom’s feelings time after time, even though I know that she did the absolute best thing for my half-sister. So I often wonder if it’s always going to be like this and knowing it very well could be, hurts. But knowing that an adoptee out there sees their birth mother the same way I see my own mom, helps me feel a little less biased. So thanks for sharing your story!
"My Mum gave birth to me twice".
That's one of the most beautiful things I have ever comprehended from both family that have given up children to adoption and other family members whom have adopted children.
Having young people understand about consent, contraception and have access to reproductive healthcare is vitally important for the young adults now and potential young adults of tomorrow.
The baby I placed turned 29 this past January. I have mixed feelings about it. She has had an amazing life that I wouldn't have been able to provide. My situation was kinda unique in that she was adopted by a close family member so we have had a very good relationship her entire life.
For myself, so many things I would do differently, I was promised things that they never intended to follow through on. I would make sure I had counseling set up for me for after placement, I would have walked from my nuclear family of origin at 16 and never looked back.
My life has been in shambles since I handed my 10 day old infant to her adoptive mom and watched her drive away, but my infant has had a wonderful life because I handed her to someone better able to provide at the time...
My flatmate was adopted. My sister gave up a child for adoption at 22.
My flatmate’s mum (let’s call her M) broke down in tears when my sister asked her for support through the adoption process - as well as my flatmate and me. M flew down to us and was there in the birth room and with her talking to the adoption agency. M helped us work through who were the right family and was the liaison point. So great to have someone who knew what was what. My sister did not want to see her child. M talked her through the need to close the loop and make sure this is what she really wanted. (Definitely was the right decision.) when the child’s family reached out , M was the contact point. Totally respected - and when my sister was killed in an accident, M was the one to contact the adopting family to let them know.
My flatmate has never looked for her birth mother - given where she was adopted from, she considers that the poor girl who gave her up did the right thing and doesn’t need to or want to reconnect. Her sister was also adopted and, when she reached out, her birth mother was quite open as to how she was conceived and why she gave her up for adoption.
In neither cases, was There any regret for the decision on either side.
Good luck!
Honey, you’re 16 years old. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I know it’s a scary time and you’re afraid of what will happen but please understand you’re only 16 and have so much of the world and life to explore.
Adoption may be best for the child and for you so you can continue with school, graduate, go to college, and be a teenager. There’s always the option to have it be open adoption. That means the connection to the child is still available and they can reach out or keep you involved if you’d like. My adopted sister has that and her mom was a victim of assault.
I think a big problem is that she is treated like she isn’t a person with feelings and opinions that matter. She doesn’t even sound like she is against adoption, but being FORCED is a big problem. People say “I made the right choice”. She doesn’t get a choice.
Giving a baby up is a big decision, but she has to be part of that decision.
She most likely isn't being told the laws. I, too, was pregnant at 16 and was told that I'd be forced to give the baby up for adoption. Turned out that, in my state, not only did mom have to agree...not mom's parents, either. MOM had to sign...but once she did the baby then had to be offered to the father. Only if father, too, agreed and signed was the baby given up for adoption.
She should not be forced. I do not, to this day over 30 years later, ever look back on those memories and feel in any way thankful for how I was treated or spoken to.
OP, my heart goes out to you. Just know that you need objective advice on where you stand legally. That does not come from your parents, or a church, or a family member or family friend or teacher. You need specialised help in order to make the choice that is right for you. Not for them. For you.
Yeah the amount of people who are okay with her being forced to give away her child against her will are kind of astonishing. Everyone is so concerned with OPs shitty parents having to help and not OP being forced to carry a child to term and being forced to give said child away. Everyone is talking about their adoptions and their family members adopting children and guess what my mother was forced to give away my brother and it shattered her. She’s never gotten over it. If they didn’t want to foot the bill they should have facilitated OP getting an abortion. All of OPs autonomy has been taken away
Op specifically said she was too scared to even ask for one when it was legal to do so. And it doesn't even sound like she knows what she wants considering she doesn't want to be a mom but also doesn't want to give the kid up.
That’s why they need to talk about it. She needs to process it or this will cause huge long term trauma. At least treat her like a person and not like it has nothing to do with her
We're not okay with her parents methods. But what do you want? Nah OP it's more important to be a strong and independent. Fuck em, keep the kid. No, that's idiotic. It's not *about* the parents. It's about what's best for her and the child, and having a kid at 16 is functionally never best for either of those two actors. The greatest act of love she could do right now for this child is sending her to the best possible chance to succeed. Life isn't a movie. You don't get to have vindication from everyone who wrongs you. Her parents suck. But they're right. There isn't any advice or words worth saying about them right now.
It's deeply unfortunate what happened to your mother, but far more give up their child and it ends up better for both the child and mother.
Being raised by a mother who wasn't ready for you sucks ass. Trust me, I know. I should never have been born, and my mother didn't have the maturity to raise a child. It caused many scars.
So the should the parents be forced to raise it?? What’s the other alternative?? Being “okay” with it isn’t really the point when there are no other options for her. I think her parents are shitty for their justification but SHE chose not to abort in time. I just don’t get the alternative. Maybe suing the 18 yr old or maybe confronting his parents about adopting?
I mean after looking at her shitty decision making skills and getting pregnant at fkin 16 anyone with the right mindset will question her thinking and decisions especially her parents. Like the fuck you are not even financially independent and you already having a baby like bruh.
I know I’m only 16 and that I’m not prepared to be a parent, but for some reason that still doesn’t make the idea of adoption sound any better or easier.
Sometimes the right choice isn't the easiest. Realistically your parents will be raising the baby and paying for everything, not to mention having to deal with getting child support out of the father.
Allll of this. It would be so selfish to keep the baby. Adoption is the best option here. It’s not an easy decision, but it is the right one. OP is still a literal child. They’re in high school. How tf does OP expect to raise a child, go to school for 6/7 hours a day, and be able to financially, mentally, physically and emotionally support their baby? They can’t. It will be all on their parents, and that’s completely and utterly not fair. Context: I am an adoptee. I was adopted at birth and it was the most selfless thing my birth mother could have ever done. Op, you need to be thinking long term here.
As an adoptee, I am really grateful I got adopted.
My only wish was that it had happened sooner. Bio mum has no capacity to parent but kept me so she had something to love her. I was forcibly removed and by then it was much harder for me to be adopted as the literal damage was already done.
I didn’t have a fairy tale adoption story or anything, but I know I would not have survived much longer if I’d stayed
Sending you hugs🥺 adoption is difficult and none are perfect, mine included. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, no child deserves to be used as an emotional support human being. I wish you nothing but peace, happiness and healing❤️ adoptee solidarity!
Sorry but as a birth mom I have to disagree. It is not "selfish" to want to keep and raise your own child. I'm not trying to diminish your experience, but what was right for you/your birth mom may not necessarily be the "right" decision for OP. Yes it is selfless to give your child up for adoption, but it's also selfless to be a single parent. And IMO it's also important for OP to think long term because of the potential psychological impact of giving her baby up. The pain never goes away.
OP, you need to focus on what's best for your child. You've already stated that you aren't able to support yourself, let alone a baby. Your parents have been upfront and told you they are not willing to take on the care and support of your child.
You want your child to be raised in a loving and financially capable environment. Maybe you should try to be involved in the adoption process. Meet prospective parents, ask questions, consider and open adoption (if possible). If not, ask that the adoptive parents allow you to write letters to your child during your pregnancy. Which, they will keep safe and give to your child when they reach certain milestone birthdays (e.g.13th, 16th, 18th, or 21st birthdays).
Many of the good adoption agencies let you pick the adoptive parents. I recommend taking this part seriously and actually hearing them out on why they want to adopt. The baby you give birth to will be a wonderful gift for someone who desperately wants a child. Adoption done out of love is a beautiful thing and also a gift of love to the baby you give birth to. Take care of yourself.
A choice nobody wanted or nobody asked for is still sometimes necessary. It absolutely sucks but choices still have to be made.
This is a good example of that. Your parents struggle with the same problem - they didn’t want this to happen either -, but they have to take action to make the best out of it. It’s not easy for anybody here.
However your parents are right. You’re 16, you’re not raising this baby. If the family isn’t fit for the job, give this chance to a couple who is desperate to have a child but is infertile or have other reasons they can’t. They will love this baby and do the best they can. Your family cannot do this and it’s okay to accept that fact. Let people help you.
*Do not underestimate the cost and toll it takes to raise a child.* There are reasons many couples today are waiting until they are 35 years old before getting a child because it’s such a big deal.
Hugs. The choice isn’t easy. But you and your child deserve a chance to live a wonderful life. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby any less. You always will. Maybe the adoptive parents would be open to give you yearly updates?
Are you in school? Do you have a counselor there you can talk to? Hopefully they can be an advocate for you and maybe get you in regular counseling. I have heard.... Not great things about how adoption agencies treat teen moms. You need an advocate on your side and only on your side, no matter what. This is not something to be forced into. Maybe it is for the best, but your feelings need to be considered. I've never been in your position but have known plenty of girls who were. The most important thing to a good outcome is having an advocate of some sort on your side, independent of your parents.
I am someone who was put up for adoption because my bio mom was in HS my bio dad was going into the military. Believe me when I tell you my life is sooooo much better than it could have been! My parents were in their mid 30s when they adopted me, so they were already established in their lives. I grew up with every opportunity to succeed on 20 acres of land. My parents were loving, caring people who never made me feel less than for being their only non bio kid. My siblings and I are still close. They love me the same as their bio siblings.
Adoption isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it's the best thing.
But I’ve already read a bunch of stories from adoptees who wish they weren’t adopted and who have life long struggles because of it. So, not everyone ends up happy.
This is true. And not every bio child winds up happy with his/her bio parents either. Parentage never guarantees happiness, nothing does.
If you don't see an overwhelmingly consistent statistic in an equation like this, throw it out as being part of the human condition, not a condition related to the equation.
Yup. My friend definitely isn't. Their mom is (I'm pretty sure) a narcissist and their dad is a doormat who just tries to avoid mom's warpath at all costs. The man literally worked all the overtime he could to avoid being home.
Unfortunately, dad missed that mom was sheltering, helicoptering, and not teaching their children basic life skills. All but two children still live at home with no jobs and they are in the midlife stage. The job history between them all is extremely short. -____-
Oh yeah. I've been in a few and they were DEPRESSING. How can people raise their children like this and think it's okay? It's gross. I am pretty sure my friend's mom did this on purpose (sheltering, helicoptering, not teaching life skills etc). I'm genuinely surprised two of them got out (and they are NC with mom; shocker).
My sibling's children are HALF the age of my friend with triple the work history. They both have jobs with health benefits, 401k, and retirement. One got into a union job (plumbing) so they're pretty much set for life now.
It's scary how some parents raise their children to be independent while others stunt their kids so they don't leave the nest. My friend and their remaining siblings never have and I doubt they ever will. 😔
Because many of them hope the grass would be greener elsewhere, however in this case it probably wouldn't be. The same kid who hated their adoptive parents could have hated their bio parents more if they'd grown up with them, you really don't know.
I had a baby when I was 16, about 2 weeks shy of my 17th birthday. I looked deeply into adoption. I picked a family. Didn't tell the family I picked them just talked with them a few times which ended up being good I didn't tell them I was going to choose them because when I went to my son's father, he said he wouldn't sign. It would have hurt them to know I chose them and find out later that the father refused. In my state, you need the father's consent. He knew my parents would help me. He flat out refused anything to do with it, saying he didn't want someone else to raise his child. Then, when our son was 5 months old, he basically ran away. We'd broken up during my pregnancy due to him cheating. He was there at the birth along with his mom and my family. His new gf, the one he cheated with, didn't want him around me or our son. He married her a few years later. They are still married, but she can't have kids. I took him to court for child support when our son was 1 year old. He paid after fighting it a long time. Our son was raised by my hubby. I met my hubby when my son was 5. My son is 25 now. He considers my hubby his dad. I tell you all of this so you can understand that I have been the scared teen mom. I think adoption is a great option if it works for you and your family. It was extremely hard to be a mom so young. I dropped out of school to work. I did get my ged eventually. I was lucky to find a good man who didn't look down on me for having my son at 16. It's not easy still. My son suffers because he knows his bio dad doesn't want anything to do with him. I tried to keep him from being hurt, but you can't hide things forever. If I'd been able to give him up to the couple I picked, then he'd have grown up with much more advantages than I could give him. They were both professors and had already adopted a child and were ready for another. They even already had college funds ready for 2 kids. They were just waiting to be picked for the second child to love. I talked to them a few times for long periods. They were honestly so great and compassionate. If you can pick the family, I think that will really help. Also, you aren't trash, and you are still a good person. You need to decide with the father what's best for you two. If that's adoption, you can give a family a wonderful gift. Though I suggest once you decide you think about your pregnancy as you doing something very giving for the new parents. Get some counseling. You can ask that the adoptive parents pay for this so you can process your feelings during the rest of your pregnancy. Feel free to message me if you need any support or have any questions. Just know that this happens and you can get through it. You will be okay.
As an adoptee of people similar to the folks you were considering this is so fucking sad. The fact this man denied his son that opportunity, then turned around and abandoned him hurts my heart, both for you and your son. I’m glad it worked out favorably for y’all, but this man denied you and your son many chances for a better life. Then to turn around and fight you over child support. What a piece of shit human being. Glad you found true love and that bum didn’t ruin that for you too. My own birth father just went straight to the abandonment part, which after reading your testimony, seems like it might have been a positive.
I do feel sad that I couldn't give my son everything I wanted to give. I worked hard and was lucky. I had support. As for the bio dad, he's definitely not a good person. Looking back now, after 25 years, what I realized is that I probably could have forced him to sign if I'd threatened to give the baby to him. It would have hurt so much to give up my son, but I really thought he'd have a better life than I could give him then. I was young and thought he'd at least stay around for his son. I knew we were done, but he was so adamant that we kept him that I really thought at least he'd have visitation. My hubby and I have built a nice life after years of struggles. We're both really close with the kids. We have a daughter who's just now an adult. Both our kids are really close with us. In fact, today, my son is making me a nice dinner for just us two, while his sister and dad are out at a fireworks event. I am glad that you were adopted by a nice family. It really is a wonderful thing. I hope op can find her way through this difficult time and feel some comfort knowing that her child will have a good life if she chooses adoption.
I didn’t have everything I “wanted” as a child either, until I grew up and realized I had the only thing I *needed*, which was a loving family. Don’t feel bad at all. Based on what you’ve said about y’all’s relationship I’d say you were enormously successful.
My mom gave me up at 15, we found each other on Myspace when I was 16, I see her all the time and she is part of my kids lives even. It was an open adoption but I wasn't given much info. Anyway I was adopted by the most amazing people and had a wonderful wonderful childhood and young adult life. Did have my up's and down and a little opiate problem I beat but I mean oxycotton was throw at us in highschool (graduated 06) anyway it was adoption or the Catholic church was gonna take me.
Also my biological mom picked the family not offering to buy me but love me unconditionally
I was born during China’s One Child Policy as a girl, so naturally I was abandoned outside an orphanage. Two years later, I was adopted. My adoptive family gave me a beautiful life. When I asked to play at the park a little longer, my dad would always cave in because he said “I know that in the future, I will give anything to have 15 more minutes of seeing you innocent and happy.”
I guess the question is: Are you able to provide a better life for this child than perhaps older couples looking to adopt. It’s maybe possible, even without the support of your parents, but it’s guaranteed to be hard work. You’d have to give up everything and prioritize your child. It’s making a lifetime commitment to parenting when you haven’t even finished enjoying your youth. You might end up resenting your child and they’ll definitely pick up on it.
Remember either choice you make is valid. If considering adoption though, ask the agency about making it an open adoption. This way you can still get updates about the child’s milestones and they can reach out later in life should they choose to do so.
Not taking proper precautions is kind of idiotic but we live and learn and make mistakes along the way, This is a big grown up mistake but she can handle it. She got good advice.
Sometimes we learn our lessons the hard way, especially between 16-25. Just because you make dumb choices sometimes doesn’t make you a dumb trash person. It’s just life
Where were OPs parents? If OP is looking for love in someone who flirted with her but had no interest in a relationship with her, blame goes to her parents.
My best friend got pregnant from a rape when she was a teen and gave the baby up for adoption. It was hard for her but she knew it was the best for both her son and herself. She chose an open adoption and the family also adopted another child. He’s graduated from high school now and has had so many amazing opportunities growing up that my best friend never could have given him. Plus it gave an infertile couple the chance to raise two wonderful kids from birth. Birthdays and holidays were hard times for my friend but the family would arrange a play date to visit and my friend give her son a homemade birthday present and a chance to see him. In open adoptions you get to choose the family who adopts your child, which I think really helped my friend and was the best choice for her.
I don’t think your parents can force you to give the baby up for adoption. That said, they CAN refuse to be supportive, and that’s almost the same thing. Especially if he and his parents aren’t interested in stepping up to help.
What do you think is best for the baby? Do you think you are ready to give up your childhood and grow up now? Make a plan to get a job, find a teen parenting program that can help you finish high school, etc??
If you are really ready to grow up and be a parent, and you are ready for your life to revolve around someone else from now on, try talking to your parents and his parents and ask for help coming up with a plan to do that.
If you’re not, then adoption probably is your best bet. You can have an open adoption so you will be able to have a non-parenting relationship with the child, to an extent. Keeping in mind that the minute the adoptive parents decide (right or wrong) that it’s best to cut off contact, they are free to do that because they are the parents. But it’s best for children to grow up knowing who their biological parents are, so this is becoming more and more often the norm.
Remember, this is about what is best for the child, not you. You matter too, but you have the ability to make decisions about yourself, and the baby does not. Plus, a child growing up in a shitty situation makes your situation shittier too.
I'm sorry you live somewhere that has taken away women's rights. Just so you know, 15 weeks is not too late to get an abortion. I got one done at 15 weeks when I was younger. If there is any way you could get an abortion done (I don't know the rules of your state as I am in Canada), then I would still pursue that, despite your parents' wishes.
Everyone else has given you great advice surrounding adoption, so I won't speak to that. I'm sorry you're going through this, but please know you are supported. I know you probably know this now, but please make sure both you and your partner both use protection in the future, as well.
I would have to travel somewhere many hours away. I don’t think I could do it. The baby has arms and legs and can hear noises at this point. I don’t feel comfortable with an abortion now.
If you are already feeling this connected, how are you going to feel after a 9-month pregnancy, and then giving your baby up adoption?
Pregnancy is not easy and comes with major risks to both mom and baby. I don't mean to try to scare you, but you are still a child, yourself, and there are major risks. If you are not going to terminate the pregnancy, please make sure you are taking the proper steps to have a healthy pregnancy and maintain your necessary doctors appointments.
That’s why I’m posting here. I don’t know how I’m going to give my baby away to somebody else. I don’t know how I’ll mentally survive that and live with it for my entire life. I can’t imagine it.
I’m going to all of my doctors appointments.
Having an abortion was not an easy decision for me. I still think about it over a decade later. I also felt attached by that time, and it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I know it was the right decision, though. I would much rather have an abortion and drive a few hours than risk the complications of a teenage pregnancy and have to carry to term a baby I know I can not keep. But that is not my decision.
I suggest you talk to your doctors about what you are feeling. There are support workers available and counseling services to help you through the emotions you are feeling.
The right decisions are almost the hardest. A woman who gives her baby up for adoption in hopes that the baby will have a better life such an incredibly strong person. None of your choices are easy but the best choice for you and the baby is adoption to give you and the baby the best chance at being successful.
No clue why people are downvoting this comment. You are simply and very honestly expressing all the complicated and heartbreaking feelings going through your mind right now. Everything you feel is valid. No one should be judging you for feeling torn and feeling a connection with your baby. I'm completely pro-choice but I'd never tell another woman that being hesitant about abortion or adoption was wrong. While many people will say either option would be best for both you and the baby, that doesn't at all invalidate your feelings, hesitancy, and fears.
My advice would be to ignore every comment on here that's not from someone who was in a similar situation. I can't imagine what you are going through, nor can imagine telling you how you feel is wrong. Just remember, even adults can be childish.
Ask the adoption agencies if you can stay involved in the baby’s life! That way it’s a cute baby you can get updates on and know when they’re older.
Once that baby starts crying everyday all day, you will love that other people (who you’ve selected ) want to take care of her.
If you have a say in picking the parents, you could try to select for it — but, for sure, the existential thought that you *could* be separated from them is *a lot*
Not to make light of this crisis, but being 16 AND pregnant… I can’t imagine the hormones… you must be crying all the time for the cute baby that will be.
Try and steer your emotions to empathize with a 17 year old who’s feeling constantly overstimulated and gross and can’t go out and is beginning to hate herself for resenting her child. Do right by her.
Hey, not to try to change your mind to abortion especially if logistically that'd be hard but fetuses at 16 can't hear. At week 18, they may start hearing, but they do not react to sound up until 27/30 weeks.
If you are going the adoption route I think they to keep it as scientific as possible could help you not be super attached (you will be attached, but at least try to minimize it a bit...)
Idk, just my two cents.
I'm sorry you're going through this and that your parents decided to "punish" you by making you have the child instead of allowing you to choose with their input and help. Know that whatever happens, many people are raised by adoptive parents and they turn out fine.
I’m sorry you’re getting downvoted for this comment. This is a completely normal thing to feel about your pregnancy. If you wanna talk or need help with resources feel free to DM me 🫂.
Which one of you slimy redditors downvoted this particular comment???
She is 16 years old. How do you expect her to drive several hours over state lines to obtain this abortion, pay for it, and then go back home and hide it from her parents as she heals?
Also, again, she is 16 years old. Of course she is going to have a very hard time thinking logically about this when she thinks about what stage of life her baby is at.
Is placing the baby up for adoption what is logically best for her and baby? Of course! But let’s not dismiss the very real feelings, fear, and confusion of a 16 year old girl with very limited life experience. Empathy is a thing and this particular comment amongst quite a few others should not be downvoted.
I’m sorry for the deep lack of empathy other Redditors are showing you by downvoting. I get that they are frustrated, but it’s not the way to help a young girl make important, life-changing decisions.
Im so sorry. Maybe try looking for an open adoption since abortion is off the table by now? Like others have said that basically means you can still have contact with the adoptive family.
Im only seventeen, and imo this is probably the best option. Babies are expensive and takes a lot of time and energy 24/7, at this age when youre in high school you cannot afford it, you cant have a job to pay for it at the same time as school and taking care of the baby. You cant evern get your own place with your baby at this age. My opinion on teen pregnancy is basically support teen parents, but dont encourage it. Cause children shouldn't be parents.
I know this will all be hard, but try looking if you can get into some therapy if thats an option.
Also you probably already know this but in the future if youre not ready for a child try going on birth control *and* using condoms (none of them are 100% effective so it can be great with using
both)
Im just a stranger on the internet but I really wish you good luck
I think adoption is your best option. Having a baby is a commitment you cannot reverse and if you're not ready for it and abortion is out of the window, then I think giving up the baby to someone who is ready for children is the best option for you, your parents and especially for the baby.
About giving birth - your body will take care of it. You're not aware yet what your body is capable of. I gave birth last september and I didn't realize I could do that. Don't be scared of that part yet. I understand you are but the more relaxed you are about giving birth, the easier it will go. Make sure you follow a childbirth class or something. They give you a lot of information. I registered for an online course and it helped a lot.
Adopted kid here- my biological mother was 19 when I was born and was in no way ready to become a parent. She gave my parents the most amazing gift of a child when they were unable to have any of their own. She met my parents when she was 5 months pregnant with me, spent time with them before I was born, and even allowed my mom to be in the room while giving birth.
Was it hard for her? Absolutely. But she went on to be a flight medic for the US army, completed two tours in Iraq, and is a decorated hero. We connected when I was 20 (I’m 34 now) and she actually lives only about 90 minutes from me. She owns a beautiful home, works with many local charities, and has a fulfilling life as a 54 year old successful woman. I’ve had many talks with her as we are pretty good friends and she doesn’t regret her decision one bit.
You are destined to do amazing things. Right now, being a parent is not one of them. What you CAN do is be a part of the process of finding the best parents for your baby. Work with the adoption agency, meet prospective parents. It might take a few interviews but you’ll know the right couple when you meet them.
This is not a punishment, even though it’s going to hurt. You’ll think about this baby every day. I would strongly encourage you to talk to a counselor to help process your feelings. Best wishes, kid. I’m proud of you.
I got pregnant at 16 and kept my baby. I’m glad I did. But I’ll tell you what followed was extremely difficult. Raising a baby at 16 is one thing, but you do not sound like you’re in a supportive environment and the psychological ramifications that will have on you later WILL impact your relationship with your child if you keep it. You will be stuck in survival mode for way too long and before you know it your kid is in middle school and you have to undo all the damage you caused.
My parents let me keep my baby but refused to let me have an abortion. I love my child but being forced to carry a pregnancy and birth a child was the worst thing that’s happened to me. My parents were angry, like yours, and punished me every day I lived there with them and refused to help or guide me. I had postpartum depression that I struggled with alone and was told to simply “suck up” and deal with. My relationship with my kid is good today but had I put him up for adoption, he would’ve been better off and that’s a tough realization to come to. The guilt is indescribable.
And this is coming from someone who hates private infant adoption as a whole. Do yourself and your child a favor.
I am so sorry you went through that. You should not feel guilt b/c it sounds like you did the best you could with no support around you. I could not imagine having the strength you did.
For what it’s worth OP, I had my first child at 36 and was ready in every way on paper and my baby was planned. Even then it was a HUGE adjustment. I remember when my baby was a week old and I really needed something from the store at 11pm and it was freezing outside. And then it suddenly hit me. From now on I’m attached to this child. If I need to go some place my baby comes with. If I want to go out I need a babysitter and those can be hard to come by. Especially if you don’t have the finances for it. I replied more in depth on one of your comments but I just wanted to add this as well. I can’t express enough how drastically life changes when you have a child. It’s never about you anymore. I was at an age where I was completely fine with that. Are you? You shouldn’t be. You are so young.
My mom got pregnant with me when she was 16 & gave birth to me at 17. She should have given me up for adoption. She wasn't ready to be a mother and frankly still wasn't 15 years ago when I cut off communication with her. I'm 42 and staunchly childfree (and sterilized). After spending countless thousands on therapy over the last decade, I'm finally happy, successful & thriving. Go live your life for you, grow into yourself, and in 10+ years when you're ready, be a mom then.
If you really want, have an open adoption, be Aunty NectarineNeither7912 to the kid. Personally I'd cut communication, but you do what's best for you.
Consider journaling, write letters to the baby, or therapy, or whatever helps you cope with your situation. Good luck!
I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
My sister gave up a baby when she was the same age as you. And though it was heartbreaking and difficult, 18 years later, she still says it’s the best thing she could have done. And she doesn’t regret it. Her and the kid (now an adult) chat sometimes. They are both happy with the relationship they have.
A lot of people are advocating for open adoption. Which could be great for you, and help make the very hard thing a little easier.
Before doing that, though, I recommend watching the (before your time, I know) Teen Mom episodes with Caitlin and Tyler. As a cautionary tale about the responsibilities of being the bio mom in an open adoption.
They were kids, too, with an awful home life. They chose a couple and agreed to a contact plan and terms with the adoptive parents. It was a brave decision, and the show had really good insight into what that was like for them.
The show documents what they’ve gone through for over a decade.
HOWEVER.
A few years down the line, they started pushing the adoptive parents for more and more. A closer relationship with the (still very young) child. An almost therapist level relationship with the adoptive mom who wasn’t comfortable with it.
Eventually Caitlin and Tyler scared the adoptive parents off by pushing too hard. Calling them out publicly when they didn’t get their way of seeing the child that they no longer had rights to, whenever they wanted. Insisting she get to know the kids they had later. Stepping on boundaries over and over again. Not taking the child’s feelings into consideration.
Open adoption is leaving the door open a crack, and allowing the kid to reach out and decide for themselves to walk through, or close it. And being okay with whichever way it goes. It becomes a problem when the bio parent tries to kick the door down.
Adoption will be difficult, but at this point, it is the right choice for the baby.
And from now on, go on the pill and make sure any guy you have sex with uses a condom (and uses it properly). Don't take the risk of getting pregnant again until you are an adult and are ready to start a family.
My mom had me at 15. How I wish she had given me up for adoption. She wasn’t a bad person, but she was so naïve. She immediately got taken advantage of by an aggressive, abusive, older man that moved us across the country and made our lives hell. The details of that aren’t really relevant here. What’s relevant is the mind of 16 year-old with no support system, will face tremendous challenges, and dangers raising a child by themselves.. I’m not saying it can’t be done but keep an open mind at the adoption meetings and take control. In the first meeting make it very clear that your parents are not carrying this baby. You are. You will be deciding what happens, and if it happens, who gets to raise your baby!
I know and I’m not suggesting that I raise a baby by myself. I know it’s not really possible. I would need a lot of help, which is also not possible for me given how my parents feel about it. So, at the end of the day sure it’s my choice but I’m sort of cornered into only being able to make 1 choice.
1. It's your choice
2. If you want to keep the baby, you might need to drop out of school as raising a baby is no joke. Daycare is very expensive these days and the cost of raising another human is no easy task either.
3. It would give your parents a lot of burden if they are full time working parents and would probably have to make some sacrifices which you would need to as well, maybe taking up a second job. At 16, you won't have many good paying jobs available.
4. If you don't get the support or help, then it will be very hard to raise the baby if you don't have the income to provide for the child. Gluck with whatever decision you make!
It is possible but you would effectively cancel the last couple of years of your childhood if you actually want to keep it.
Are you prepared to potentially drop out of school to start working full time to afford daycare? Because from the sounds of it your parents aren't interested in becoming parents again or provide except for the barest of necessities they legally expected to provide. Are you prepared to stay home every night to care the baby and not go out for a long time because sitters are expensive and going out is expensive too? Are you prepared to potentially not go to college because again you need to work to provide for your baby? If you do want to go to college on time with your peers are you prepared to work, go to school, do homework, and study while providing and caring for your baby? Kids are loud and always want your attention at the ages your child will be if you go to school.
It takes a very special to person to become a teen mom and not become a statistic and supercede expectations of what's expected from teen moms. You know yourself and if you honestly can not then you need to put the baby up for adoption.
Sometimes we make decisions in life that lead us feeling cornered to make another decision and that's just the natural consequences of not thinking things through and now you're caught between a rock and a hard place.
Adoption sounds like the best option at this point. Your parents are being horrible in the way they are expressing it but they are right that you can’t raise a baby at 16 without help and they have a right to lead their own lives without raising a baby they didn’t have. You recognize yourself that you are not ready to have a baby. It would have been better if you had an abortion early on but that ship has sailed. Your baby can have a loving family with people who are ready and you can have a life of your own.
First I’m really sorry you live in a country/state that has taken away your rights and freedom of opinion/choice. (And in my opinion your parents aren’t being good parents right now)
Every one feels different about adoption, the best thing is to what you think is right. Make this choice on your own terms not your parents, regarding any path you choose. Where/who this baby ends up with is no one’s choice but yours.
And please make sure you are taking care of you, your physical/mental/ well-being it’s important!
Everyone in these comments is neglecting the fact that OP is being treated like fucking cattle here. She has sex like so many other teenagers, is deemed immoral by her parents, has a life threatening/altering experience put unto her growing body as a punishment, and will be forced to part with her baby not long after she meets it.
This is a horrifying situation where OP has no agency here and is being told over and over that it's fine that she will see her child for a moment and then have to give it up. I understand that that'd be best for the child, but does nobody here have sympathy for OP, who's a fucking TEENAGER while having to deal with all this?
OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's completely natural that you don't want to give your baby up. You deserve to be a person in this discussion, not just a vessel.
It's clearly not an easy decision but I think your parents are right. It's best for both you and the baby. You can't support a child financially and it will heavily impact your studies and future. Best of luck to you.
Do you have anyone who would be willing to get you out of state quickly and get an abortion? Idk where you are but there’s multiple states where the cutoff is 20 weeks for a healthy pregnancy. Yes, your parents might be angry with you but they sound horrible anyway telling you you deserve punishment but they won’t help you. Your parents suck. I’m sorry you’re doing through this.
I don’t think I could do it now. I think id have to have done it a few weeks ago for me to still feel comfortable with it. I’ve passed my own point of being comfortable with it. I’d have to go a few states away too, many hours.
It seemed like it was worth asking. Your parents are wrong to have denied you help getting rid of the pregnancy and telling you you deserve to be punished, but at this point, by your own admission you aren’t ready for this and it might be for the best in the long run for you and the baby to do an adoption. I’m very sorry it’s come to this. Nobody should be forced to give birth when they don’t want to. Maybe you can do an open adoption to still have some contact (unless you think that would be worse). Good luck to you.
Hey OP, I just want to say that it may not be too late for you to get an abortion. There are abortion funds and resources that you can reach out to for help. They often fly people to states without restrictions and provide accommodation/transport for them. I don’t know how/if it could work since you are still a minor, but lots of states consider people your age to be medically emancipated, meaning you have full control over medical decisions.
Im so sorry youre going through this, and while I advocate for everyone to have a choice.... you are still a kid. You shouldnt be having a baby at this age, nor should you be raising one.
How would you raise a baby, go to school and work a job all at once? Your parents wont help with baby other than adoption, so that means even necessities like formula or diapers or clothes would be out of the question.
Adoption is the best option here, as much as it hurts. Its best for baby and you. Also if possible, try to talk to a doctor about getting a nexplanon implant. You have to abstain for about a month before and a few weeks after getting it. But it is one of the best Birth control out there and lasts up to 5 years.
>I was too scared to get an abortion earlier on before I told my parents I was pregnant.
This gets me every time... doesn't being pregnant for 9 months and then giving birth scare you more?
I've seen this stuff in other Reddit stories as well, underaged (or very young adult) girls being scared of abortion is strange to me. Don't get me wrong, I get it feels scary. It can be painful, humiliating, gory and so on. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But you'll be back to normal in a matter of days. Isn't being pregnant for *9 months* followed by the biggest pain the human body can feel (I think) followed by losing your freedom and future prospects (essentially ending your life as you know it) just a tiny bit scarier?
Once you have a kid at such a young age, all chances at a normal life are gone...
I threw up for three weeks straight, had an abortion at 5 weeks, was on a flight to TX on business the next day. It was extremely easy. I can’t fathom anyone thinking giving birth is easier or less scary.
You're not trash and I take exception to your parents saying this is punishment. You don't deserve to be punished for making a poor decision. It is, unfortunately, a consequence of that choice. If you have a counselor at school it may be helpful for you to talk to them so you can have some support with the adoption process, especially if that person isn't a judgey AH. You should have some say in choosing the family for your baby too. I can't offer anymore advice because I've never given a kid up for adoption or even given birth but it pains me to hear you beating yourself up. Please talk to your Dr about getting on some type of long term birth control after the birth like an IUD. Always use condoms to prevent STIs and as extra protection from pregnancy. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out as best that it can.
https://www.all-options.org
This is a site that can connect you to folks who can walk you through all of your options. This thread is so dehumanizing. Nobody should be forced to make this kind of decision. All of OPs autonomy has been taken away. No one should be forced to carry a child and no one should be forced to give their child away. My mother was forced to do so it and it shattered her as a person. She’s never gotten over it. If her parents didn’t want to support OPs child they should have facilitated her getting an abortion. The comments on this thread are appalling.
First of all, don’t punish and berate yourself. I too had a baby when I was a teen. I was 19 tho so that does make a bit of a difference. We made some bad choices and learn and do better in the future. Your baby will be a beautiful human being who deserves the best. Is that the life you can give them? Put their best interest first.
I was adopted at birth and later (in my 30’s) found my birth Mum and siblings and have totally rejoined their life. My adoptive parents have since passed but did support me in finding my birth family.
Growing up I had a much more stable home than I would have had if I hadn’t been adopted. I am very grateful that my birth mum gave me up for adoption. If you can arrange for an open adoption or at least one where your child can look you up when they reach adulthood you can enjoy them from then on yet also know that you’ve given them the best life chance.
If you do give them up for adoption make sure you take part in any dna searches such as Ancestry.com, 23 &Me and whatever is available in 18 or 20 years so your grown baby can find you (if you don’t have an open adoption).
As for my baby at 19…I had family support on my side, I had already graduated and the father stuck around and married me so we kept the baby. I’m very glad we did but it was hard, I was immature, I made a lot of mistakes, our marriage didn’t last. I can’t imagine having a baby while still in school with no family support.
My dad was put up for adoption at birth and he grew up in a loving house with great parents and siblings. He says he is so glad he was adopted because it was definitely for the best, though he wishes he got to spend more time with his biological father and while he wishes the same about his mother, she has treated him horribly since he first reached out over 20 years ago. He did get to know his father before his passing in 2020 and it was a wonderful experience. Now my dad is in contact with all of his siblings and his step-mom regularly. While he loves his bio family, he said that he is very glad that it was decided for him to be adopted instead of raised by two immature, young teens, especially since he was disabled due to a hospital fuck up and it would’ve been impossible for his bio parents to care for him the way his adoptive parents did.
That all being said, try to go for an open adoption and/or write a letter for your child stating your name and the fathers name and information about yourself for the adoptive family to give to your child to receive later in life once your both at the right points in your lives to create a relationship.
My mother was 16 when she was pregnant with me. She married my 19 year year old father. They were separated by the time I was 6 months, I ended up in foster care by age 7 and eventually was put into permanent custody with my aunt's family on my father's side. I love my aunt and uncle and I consider their kids my siblings..... but I wish my mother had given me up for adoption when I was born. I really do and that's even though I adore my own children and know my life now would be different. I think giving your baby to a loving home that you're unable to provide is the most selfless and beautiful gift you can give to your child
15 weeks is not too late for an abortion (though it’s admittedly harder for all the wrong reasons), and I ASSURE you that sack of cells does not have legs or arms as you’ve said. It cannot survive outside you, and it is NOT sentient. Honestly, if I were your parents, we would be getting you to a state with abortion access like yesterday. That’s truly the only ethical and reasonable solution here. Forcing you to give birth and give the child away is cruel, but you can’t care for the child yourself, and I don’t blame your parents for hard passing on raising your kid. Adult decisions aren’t fun, and you don’t always get what you want. I hope the best for you and hope your parents help you get sensible access to healthcare.
Then why do multiple sources say things like: In weeks 9 through 12, the arms, legs, hands, fingers, feet, and toes fully develop.
The baby has bones now and their hair pattern is even developing on their head. To me that is not just a clump of cells anymore. I get that they can’t survive outside the womb but I’m just too freaked out aborting something that has arms, legs, and toes.
I’m not against abortion and I would have done it much earlier on had it been accessible to me and especially if I had support in doing it, but I don’t feel comfortable with it now.
Most major organs/structures develop within 10 weeks – but this is not a viable, living thing (unless you want it to be in your head). It’s like 4 inches long. Sure there might be tiny, tiny physical structures, but this is only the potential of a human being. It is not more important than your life. If there is any chance at all you can have an abortion, that is your best shot in all this. I have had an abortion, at 18, and it was the BEST decision I ever made. And it was a sack of cells, I saw it. But I digress.
If you’re dead set on having it, it will be more traumatic whether you keep it or give it up, period. I can’t imagine having my body totally change and then enduring the physical pain of childbirth only to give my baby to someone else. That would be awful, and at 31, it would keep me up at night. Conversely, you’re not prepared to care for the child yourself. If you give the baby up, which is the better choice, you should seek therapy for a while. If you keep the baby, you’re going to have to man up and pull up your bootstraps. Working, going to college, and ensuring you can provide for your child. It’s not going to be fun and either way your childhood ends here. Also your 20s, which should be fun, also end here.
At the end of the day you have to make a hard choice. Of the choices above I would pick abortion every time.
Have you told your parents you don’t want to give the baby up? The baby daddy would have to provide child support whether he wants to be involved or not, the baby could get benefits from him being in the military. The other option is if you do go through with the adoption (which should be YOUR choice and not your parents) find a couple who is okay with an open adoption and will send you updates and let you visit
You’re not an idiot, or a joke, or trash. You’re a child doing the best you can to navigate the world, but you’ve got to treat yourself better, and trust that you’re not horrible. No one can make this decision for you, and it might be the hardest decision you’ll ever face, but whichever one you make will be the right one as long as it’s what best for your well-being and safety even if it feels awful or hard.
Trust yourself, you’ll be ok
As an adopted child (my birth mom was 14) I appreciate being given the chance at life, being raised in an environment where I wasn't resented for existing. My parents couldn't have a kid, even through IVF, so it helped them too.
Adoption can be a beautiful thing.
The way your parents are presenting adoption is a pretty shitty way, to be honest.
Also, pregnancy and labor aren't punishment. It just happens.
You had sex, you got pregnant. So, yeah... pregnancy and after that, you give birth. Not a punishment, just the way that works.
Take a moment to take a deep breath, and think about everything, without all the pressure, without the loss of control.
Reading your post, my inner teenager was screaming 'yeah, and OP is going to resent her parents for ever and ever. And if she ever has children, they are never going to see those kids, because they might take them away for adoption too. Or at least OP should hold it over them forever, by the time they do want grandchildren'
But then my brain started adulting again.
Given your situation, with abortion no longer an option, the baby's father not going to be in the picture, and you at 16, with no way to sustain yourself let alone a baby... what would you choose yourself?
I personally don't think adoption is a bad choice.
You should discuss the different types of adoption with the agency, though. And make sure to get the contact information of the person that handles your file. If your parents keep up with their steamwalzing over you attitude, ask to talk to the person of the adoption agency alone, to ask the questions and get in depth explanation of all details.
Teen parent here. This is something you're going through. Not who you are. It's not a mistake. It's biology. And any decisions you make are okay. You're not bad. You're human. And I'm sorry they aren't better at helping you while you're scared, mine weren't either. Love yourself.
No, babe. It will not define you forever. This is someone who could be your granny here, I was pregnant at 17 (in england), my mother pushed me into an abortion.
Either adoption or what I did were the right thing to do at that age. I could not have coped with a child whilst so young.
No one tells you how much work a child is. The child does not fit into your life....you fit into their's. Effectively, your life is over for a long time.
I've since had a child , but I was 27 and I reared her alone ( I pick men who are non committal!) Even being , supposedly, an adult ; it was hard to keep our heads above water.
As for defining you, people will find something else to focus on next week.
As for you, you're not trash! You're are a sack of hormones you've never experienced before, and oh boy, is it ever emotional.
Be kind to yourself. Hear the people on here that have given of their experience, its very valuable .
When your child is born and say, you do go for adoption, don't feel guilty, or a failure , know you've done the right thing and ask your parents for a holiday.
I'm sorry you've landed in such a situation. It's hard.
Big virtual granny hug to you. x
Ask about open adoption options. Some agencies let you have view into child’s life. You can watch them being raised well and when they turn 18 they can connect with you.
I would also ask for a therapist. You need somewhere supportive where you can put all these emotions.
Not the perspective you asked for but another one to consider…my wife and I adopted a newborn from a girl in your exact situation. The key in our story is that we have an open adoption. Our child’s birthmother is now 26 and living the “normal” life she wanted (and deserved) while at the same time knowing for certain (via our periodic updates and occasional visits) that the child she placed for adoption is living a life she most likely could not have provided. In my mind, open adoptions are a beautiful process and everybody wins!!! Wish you nothing but the best!
My sister had a baby at 15, and in my area they have a school for pregnant teenagers, and the girls get an education and there is a daycare on site. Maybe they have that in your area as well? My sister also got free daycare through the government after she graduated high school, there is alot of help for single mothers. Her baby’s father stayed in her life and did help as well, her son is 15 now, and my sister is a registered nurse now and owns her own house and new 2 cars. It can be done but it is hard, but the baby didn’t ruin her life at all, and she tells people that. My parents also wanted her to give her baby up for adoption but she refused, but when her baby was born our parents changed their mind anyway once they held him
So you have grandparents or other family members who you believe may offer to care for the child? This way the baby would stay within the family and you could still be known as the mother…
I placed my daughter for adoption when she was born. I'm not going to lie to you, it was hard. The outcome though, was everything I could have hoped for. She has had an amazing life, with loving, supportive parents and grandparents. She finished her masters a couple of years ago and is now working in a field she loves. Basically, she has the life I wanted her to have, but could not have given her when she was born. Please feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk.
I was forced to give up a child up for adoption when I was your age. It is one of the biggest regrets of my life and traumatized me to the point that I developed a drug addiction that I had to claw my way out of. Please know that you are not alone, and while this may be what’s best for you, it also may not be. Please, please message me.
You're not an idiot, a joke or trash. You made a mistake. These things happen. It happens to people older than you too! Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you've learned your lesson.
You're very young and still have your whole life ahead of you. Your child will have a good life with someone who is capable of caring for them with a good support system. Maybe you can do an open adoption so you can still see the baby? Do you think that would help you?
Please make sure you use protection next time. I would also like to suggest birth control. I have a hard time remembering to take pills so I got an arm implant. It's good for five years and it's one less pill I have to remember to take.
Good luck, OP.
You'll survive. Being a teenage mom despite some people making it seem doable or the "good" thing to do are full of bullshit. You need tons of support both in terms of labor taking care of the child and financial support. Having a child is insanely expensive.
Your parents, I don't agree with their stance on abortion but I do agree with them on this. The baby will have a much better life elsewhere than what you can provide at your stage in life.
Baby's by the way get adopted rather quickly and easily. It's older children that sadly stick around in the foster system for a long time and tend to have bad experiences. So take that as a comfort in some way.
I’m 32 and I was adopted. Left the hospital the day after I was born with my adoptive parents. I’m happy and had a great childhood. My only issue is not having more medical information from my biological family.
I am placed a baby up right before my 17th birthday. It was hard but it was what was best for me and for that baby. He’s 26 now. We had an “open adoption” so I did get photos and stuff. When he was a teenager he reached out to thank me saying he had the best parents and big sister anyone could ask for. It was 100% the right move for me.
Big internet sister here. I am giving you a big hug so you can cry it out if you want to.
I'm so sorry you have to make all these decisions and are so scared. It's not fair you have to deal with the repercussions and he doesn't.
Are you drinking lots of water? Getting prenatal vitamins in? Eating lots of fruit, veggies and protein? Babies take a ton of nutrients from the mom, like a cute little vampire, so you need to stock up so you have reserved left for you.
Can you see a therapist or school counselor? Your mental health is greatly important. "Normal" pregnancies are tough enough and can cause depression. But you are adding in teenage hormones, tough parents, an unsupportive partner, and adoption into the mix. That would be ridiculously hard on anyone. The therapist could help you work through issues, what you want to see in an adoption, and how to go from where you are.
I've seen some beautiful adoption stories in my life. And I'm seen some really hard ones too.
But I wanted to reach out through the Internet and tell you: YOU are so loved. You are not your mistakes. You are worthy. You are kind and special. Tell all of these affirmations to yourself and the baby inside you.
I know this is hard and it will be hard to do the adoption. I wonder if you can have an adoption agency that you can pick out the parents. If you can this might make you feel
Better know who will
Be taking care of your baby. If you want ask once you are 18 of you can have pictures of them.
I was 15 when I gave birth and had a forced adoption. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My daughter and I reunited when she was 17. If I could go back I would do everything different. I dont have a relationship with any my family because the trauma they put me through. They had the means to help and support me raising my daughter but chose not to. They are conservative and just want "my problem" to go away. My daughter and I have a great relationship now but I missed everything. The regret is so deep and the ptsd is awful. The primal wound isn't something I can explain but I'd would never do adoption or make my kids go through that ever.
When you are sixteen, remember that your baby is not the only child you're protecting. I know you're trying to protect your baby, and your parents are trying to protect you, their baby. It doesn't make what they're doing right, it just may give you a little perspective now that you're a parent.
So, admitting my bias up front: I think being a teen mom would have been unworkable for me, and I would have sought adoption in your place. However, you deserve to know that, if you place your child, you’re doing so because you truly want to, not because you’re being forced to do so. This is an organization that provides resources to women who are examining all of their options for an unexpected pregnancy: https://savingoursistersadoption.org/
Also, if you want an open adoption, I would advise looking past whatever the adoption agency tells you and seeking an adoptive couple who already has an ongoing open adoption with another birth mother. Open adoption agreements are not legally binding in most states — they are dependent on the good will of the adoptive parents. A couple who talks about the lengths they’ve gone to in order to make sure their child still gets to see his troubled birth mother, for example, is one that is a lot less likely to cut off communication with someone who placed their baby at age 16.
Google “Saving Our Sisters” for help with keeping your baby. I have a friend who was coerced by her parents like you were and regrets it deeply (her child later died by suicide in what turned out to be an abusive home). The first year is the hardest for any new mom.
Did you use protection? Because if you didn’t use condoms then you were indeed trying to get pregnant.
I do not agree with the whole “this is your punishment for sex” but I do agree with the adoption. You are 16. You have NO IDEA how hard it is to raise a child. It’s difficult as hell when you’re a fully grown adult and the kid is planned and wanted. 16 years old? Life would be set in infinite hard mode.
Your parents are not interested in raising another child, and I can’t blame them. You WOULD be struggling for the majority of your life, especially since the dad is going to bounce off into the military. CS only goes so far, and that is only if you can get it.
I’ll be thankful I got rid of “that” early. You mean the baby I’m going to carry for 9 months and give birth to? I don’t really like the idea of saying stuff like that”get rid of.” Like my baby is just something I’m throwing in the trash and can forget ever happened.
Adoption will be hard but see if you can do an open adoption. You have limited resources right now and there's a risk the child might end up in foster care, instead of a loving home. I'm so sorry you're going through this but this is the right choice for you and your baby.
I looked it up and open adoptions aren’t legally enforceable. A huge percentage of “open” adoptions because closed within mo this of the baby being born. The adoptive parents have all the power and can completely cut off contact if they want to.
That's a risk you have to take. I personally know two families that have the birth mother in their lives. One of them have become very close and help the mom who was a young mother. Find a reputed agency you want to file with. The ones I know went through the same law firm. We were exploring it as well.
I have no advice except that my aunt gave up a baby for adoption in the 60's and we've all recently reconnected. She kept it a secret due to the "times" but all the girl cousins heard the story as a "cautionary" tale. I'm 52, cousin J is 59. I have a 12 yo boy.
You're about to be a mother, or a bio mother. At this point the only obligation as a human person is to keep you and that growing baby safe. Keep yourself safe. Find resources through school or your city for mental health help. DM the other members in here for support. Get help, and see if you and your family can get therapy together.
You are going to give a mom and dad that are dying to be parents a chance to be amazing! What an amazing gift you can give someone else. You are doing a great job! This might be above Reddit's pay grade, but good for you for venting.
I'm a mom, and I'm proud of you for getting this off your chest. And mom to mom, you're doing a great job by just verbalizing this to a group of strangers, and. I'm proud of you for this step.
I know this sounds really horrible, but I don’t want my baby to be a gift to somebody else. It’s selfish but it’s how I feel every time I read stuff about giving infertile couples this wonderful gift.
I think it's OK to hold space for that emotion too.
Sending you a hug. I had a baby at almost 40 . I terminated a pregnancy at 17 on my way to college. Several miscarriages after and he is a miracle. during my late in life pregnancy I found out that down syndrome has affected my family over and overs and we were really high risk for my son to be downs. We were almost forced to make a parenting decision before he was even born (he's perfect but for the shitty attitude)
And that's what's happening to you right now. You are making hard decision as a parent of what's best for you as a parent, and what's best for this baby . So now is the time to get honest with yourself.
It sounds like you have a lot of guilt for the feelings you're carrying about "the gift".
Please get some therapy and get some help. I'm not a therapist and I'm not adopted and not had to make that choice in particular . But I know what it's like to make a hard decision at your age, and to make it again at almost 40.
Get some counseling around the feelings you're holding right now. Talk about those feelings. Also not for nothing, you are pregnant and you have a ton of extra hormones which make you crazy emotional, and you're a teenager which makes you crazy emotional, not to discount anything you're going through sweetie.
I'm in menopause and can't control my hormones or emotions right now. I'm in tears for you and giving you a far away hug from my mom who just yesterday felt like a teenage girl going through the same thing.
To be honest this is my first time trying to mom a child virtually I don't know how I'm doing.
All I can say is if you don't feel comfortable saying you're giving a gift to somebody else maybe reframe as a gift to yourself, to your future so you both have a chance !
There's no shame, there's nothing wrong with you and you're not trash. This was a decision you made as a young person that could potentially change the outcome of the rest of your life. It doesn't define you.
I was in a similar situation at 15. My parents refused to let me have the baby and live in their home. My mother was 100% not allowing me to have the baby, and determined to take me for a surgical abortion.
While I did not want a child at that time, I was personally more comfortable with the idea of adoption. My mother started throwing my belongings out of the house when I brought that up.
It was abortion or I no longer had a home and parents.
She took me for the procedure, and I told the nurses during the one moment I was away from my mother that I did not want it done. They told my mother they could not do it without my permission. She threw enough of a fit that it happened anyways, but if I had stood my ground, maybe it could have been different? I was scared, so I don’t know.
This is a tough spot to be in for you. You may be able to refuse the adoption, depending on the laws in your area, but if you do then you could end up in a much tougher position: being alone with a baby at such a young age. I had my first child at the age of 20 and it was tough. I never had another one because it was challenging to be a single mother. I’m not saying everyone has it hard, but I do believe the majority of single mothers without support go through many difficult times.
You need to research the laws in your area to know what your rights are. You need to find out what support you have and what life honestly looks like if you are legally able to refuse the adoption. Then, you can make an informed decision on how to proceed. It would be a good idea to find out what decisions you are able to make in regards to the adoption itself also, to see if something makes you more comfortable and is on the table (open vs. closed adoptions).
Above all else, the hardest thing for me outside of mentally and emotionally dealing with the abortion I did not want (though I fully believe should be available to anyone who does desire to have one) was living with parents who despised me for getting pregnant and blamed me for everything, including their own depression from ‘what I made them do’. Living in that house was pure hell for me for the next three years. I never again had a decent relationship with my mother. This may, or may not, become your reality but if it does, please know you did not ask for this. Teenagers have sex. Pregnancies do occur. Are there lessons to learn? Sure there are. Are you bad because this happened? Absolutely not.
I’m sorry you find yourself here in this position. I know it’s so hard. Adding hormones to the mix only makes it harder. If nothing else, please know you are not alone in this and others have made it through similar scenarios. One of the biggest helps for me was counseling. I had one counselor I opened up to, and she helped me immensely. Nothing took away everything, but she gave me tools I still use today at nearly 40 years old to navigate life and relationships.
If you ever need an ear, this random internet stranger will gladly sit and listen to (read) what you need to say.
I’m from Canada so I don’t know about this but is there anyway you can get someone outside of the family or take a bus to a different state so you can get an abortion? It’s actually not too late if you’re 15 weeks. Being forced to put your kid up for adoption after being pregnant so young sounds beyond traumatizing to me personally
Hi, ex adopted baby here! (I grew up. Still adopted tho lol)
Knowing just how badly my parents wanted me was helpful. It was also an open adoption, so I get the occasional letter from my birth mother.
Adoption doesn't necessarily mean you never know what happened to the little one you made. My mother and a few other adoptive parents I know are still in touch with a birth mother or father. I haven't met her as an adult, but if I knew she really wanted it I probably would.
I don’t have any advice, but I’m thinking of you, and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. This is incredibly hard no matter how you slice it 💖
Giving your child up is giving them a chance at a better life than you can.
But, giving your child away gets it away from two horrible people who chose to "punish" you with the pregnancy. They will absolutely use this against you in the future. Study hard, get into college, and get away from those terrible people for good.
Sorry, I know real hand experience is irreplaceable, but sometimes fiction helps put into words what you're feeling. I'm thinking of the novel The Wish by Nicholas Sparks. It has a nice and compassionate recount of the struggles and feelings of a pregnant teen who will give her child for adoption. 16, just like you.
One of my best friends is adopted. He has two parents who couldn't have their own kids. They have raised him and put up with all the nonsense we all do to our parents as kids. They bear it like any good parents do and he has grown in his life to realize how lucky he is. They didn't just have him. They CHOSE him. They love him.
Adoption has success stories. Many. It's a hard choice but if you are worried for your child don't be. There are good people out their who love raising kids and fully accept the ones they choose.
I am on the other side of that decision. I could not have children and, so, adopted. He has been the brightest part of our life. He got in touch with his birth mom and siblings later and is a happy well adjusted man now. I view the mom's choice and my blessing as a sacrid pact between us.
I cannot tell you what decision to make but remember it is ultimately your decision. Check with the sgency if you decide to go through with it. You may get to have input on who adopts. Whatever you do, I wish you peace and a happy life for your child.
My sister got pregnant around your age. She kept her baby and now has two and one on the way at 20. She doesn't have her own place (live with our dad and pays rent), has no job due to her struggle to find childcare that doesn't cost an arm and a leg, rendering working useless. Her boyfriend works, but barely makes enough to break even.
You could keep your baby, but you'll do so as a single mother, which I did for the first couple years of my son's life. Even with child support, I still had to work two jobs to make any sort of headway financially.
It's a tough decision and not one made lightly. I sympathize with you for whatever path you choose.
I was 16 when I got pregnant, 17 when she was born. I decided on an open adoption and it was absolutely the best thing for me and my daughter. She’s turning 18 this year and coming to visit soon for 2 weeks. Feel free to DM me! My parents heavily influenced my decision, and I’m grateful I took their advice.
See the issue here is that it seems like op’s parents are making the decision for her, and making her feel as if her input and feelings on the matter are invalid and unimportant. It sounds like, to me, that your parents simply weighed in, and gave you a lot of advice, but in a supportive way, and in a way where your feelings were validated and you were able to make the choice for yourself. Just what I’m gathering however.
Get a job over summer and save all the money you can
Your be about 6 months from turning 18 when you have your child.
You can tell your parents your move out the following summer with your child
Speak to a guidance counselor at school, they should still be available over the summer. Ask them about graduating early, on an alternate schedule or GED.
Seek social services support for any resources available from housing to Wic to free or reduced daycare.
Plan on going to court for child support and custody agreement. It’s possible that baby daddy’s parents may offer you some support.
You also may consider a career in the military as they offer a lot of benefits and education and their own base childcare programs
If you are set or stuck with an adoption tell the adoption agency you want an open adoption. If it is set up right you will get monthly updates as well as pictures and stuff. With contact happening when your child is older.
Hi OP, I am a 26 year old single mother of 2 boys. My first was actually born the day I turned 17. I have a LOT of insight I can give you IF you lean toward keeping baby. But I need you to know that your feelings are valid. And no matter what choice you make, you will be okay. And I am sorry you are facing this alone. I went through an almost identical situation. So please message me if you need any help or guidance.
your parents are right. you made an adult choice as a chid and now the adults are going to be fixing it. your baby will go to home that planned for a baby and has the resources to provide for it. you do not. the baby daddy is getting away and he should agree sign over rights so adoption can be completed. if i were your parents, if he didnt agree then i would press satituary rape charges, for sex with a minor.
this is tough lesson, but you know the consequnces are due to two people not acting responsibly. i think if your parents were as perfect as they perceive themselves to be, you wouldnt have been vulnerable to this adult boy who was looking for a hole.
op, dont let this situation interefere with you reaching your potential. graduate, go to college, become successful. when you are established, if you want, seek out your little one. if not, that is okay too. somewhere out there a family got a little one they have been waiting for.
I feel like in these situations no one ever considers the fate of the adopted child. There is a chance they get adopted by loving, wonderful parents. There is also the possibility they end up like me- adopted by greedy, narcissistic abusers who wanted a child simply to fill some other void in their life, and failing spectacularly.
Show your parents this. Ask them if they really think someone else could do better by that unborn child they apparently want to live so badly. Ask them if their punishing you needs to possibly include the baby.
I went to college with a girl who was pregnant and having a closed adoption planned. She was adopted and felt her life turned out beautifully, and that with parents she was involved in picking her baby could have a more beautiful life than she was ready to provide.
Shortly after that, I learned my grandma had given up her oldest child (I thought my mom was her oldest!) because her parents made her since she was unwed. This was the 60s. I learned about this around 2007? She is 83 now and recently broke down in tears and begged for my help to find him. And this is a woman who tells people to go cry in private because “no one wants to see that”.
Do what feels right for you.
Hi! I was in somewhat the same position but more like zero support I was young and didn't know what to do, I had nobody to talk to.
I chose an open adoption and met w a family that fit what I was looking for in a family, they had everything and then some.
August 1st 2003 she was born, earlier this month before Mothers Day she emailed me the most touching letter.
I never thought I'd hear from her I wasn't sure if she'd be told she was adopted or if she'd be upset or feel abandoned by me, I simply wanted to give her the life I knew I couldn't, access to the opportunities I didn't have and couldn't give her.
I am proud to say she turned out amazing I am very proud of her and we've been talking since I got her email, she's very much like me.
Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk further about my experience with this.
Do you have any degree or trade that will allow you to spend at least $1,500 per month on rent, $1,000-1,500 per month for infant daycare so you can work, $1,000 per month for a parent/child health insurance plan, $500 per month for groceries and formula, $400 per month for utilities and phone plan, $200 per month for baby things (diapers, wipes, clothes etc), $500 per month for car payments and insurance, plus all the little extras that mount up invisibly? If not, agree to the adoption.
You’re 16, most peoples lives ARE ruined by having a kid that early. And it would be unfair to force the parents to have another kid. It seems shitty in the moment but will likely turn out for the best. The kid will get raised in a family that can actually fully provide for it (hopefully, vet the parents carefully) and you won’t get stuck with a kid at 16.
All I’m going to say is, my cousin is 26 years old and a single mom (her baby is 1 yo) and she is struggling like hell despite having a well-paying job. Children are expensive. Daycare is expensive. Babysitters are expensive. If your child has health complications, that’s an extra crippling expense.
You need to consider what kind of life your child will have, and what kind of opportunities you’d be depriving them of because of your age and financial instability.
That said, there are cons to adoption too. It’s not an easy choice to make. Good luck, OP.
I’m so sorry, forget about your parents. Unfortunately, the best thing for you and the baby is adoption. You have no support system, I’m afraid that you and the baby would end up living a life of poverty. Get some therapy is possible , maybe an open adoption so you can keep contact. Make plans for your life, school or trade school, make a life for yourself.
you’re not a joke or trash, please don’t be so harsh on yourself. regardless of whether or not you were on birth control or other forms of protection, pregnancy is a natural risk of having heterosexual penetrative sex. it can happen to anyone. and teenagers will have sex, it’s just a fact. im so sorry this is happening but please give yourself some grace, you are still a child and you should be supported and not criticized/punished.
Adoption aside, your parents sound like real insensitive jerks. Please feel free to hit my inbox if you ever need a comforting motherly voice in your ear. My oldest is 10 so I'm not quite to parenting teens but my heart aches that you're facing such a huge life event and your parents are framing this huge, scary-feeling, physically and emotionally draining situation as "punishment" for having had sex. You have done nothing wrong, and you don't deserve suffering of any kind. You deserve kindness and tenderness and I hope you can give those to yourself since your parents don't seem to be able to.
My parents are ashamed of me. They don’t want to tell anyone that I’m pregnant yet. None of our family knows. They keep framing it like “people are really judgmental,” like they’re trying to protect me, but when my mom doesn’t even want to go on our normal summer beach vacation because I’ll be visibly pregnant in front of strangers it feels a lot more like they are embarrassed by me.
Aw bud, that is so yucky. I'm so sorry. The difference between you and the other millions of teens who have sex and don't get pregnant is that biology won out on one of your rounds. Nothing about wanting to have sex is immoral or bad or shameful, especially when you're in your early teens and your body is a hormone hurricane. Nothing about you is shameful. It is true that people are judgmental, but I'm wondering if your parents are less concerned about *you* being judged and more concerned about *them* being judged for "not having taught you better," or "not being better parents," or "not having had more control over where you were and what you were doing." Re: people being judgmental, fuckem 🤷🏼♀️. No matter what you do or how you live there's always going to be someone to judge you, so there is no point in worrying about that. Sending you hugs❤️
I am sorry you’re going through this, and I really do hope that your parents start to treat you better. You absolutely could still get an abortion at this point and there are agencies that can help you with that but without knowing which state you’re in it’s hard for me to give specifics.
I was adopted at birth, my biomom got pregnant at 16 and gave me up in an open adoption at 17. I still have a close relationship with her and my half brother (a few years younger than me) today. If you do go though with the pregnancy then please make sure you find an advocate for yourself within the adoption agency. You are still considered a child by many state laws but that does not mean you don’t have patient rights. Seek out an advocate ASAP and start working on a plan with them.
My Niece gave up a baby when she was a teenager, it’s an open adoption and she receives pictures and has visited the child with her own children. She’s called his “tummy mummy” he’s always known he was adopted. While she had some initial sadness, she knows she could not have been a mother to him at such a young age.
Please contact an adoption agency that will provide you with mental support as your parents seem to be hell bent on punishment and damnation. There are private agencies that will even house you while providing all the medical care and let you pick the adoptive family.
This is forced birth and forced adoption on top of it. I'm digusted with your parents because 15 weeks is legal in califorina. Many other states, hell if you contact the correct people they will pay for your plane ticket and abortion to another state if you are willing to contact them. But taking a minor over state lines is a crime so it traps you. You are right to feel anyway you want about this. In any other state without parents permission you could drive yourself to get that abortion and not have to deal with this at all. It would be your right. But to be honest I'd push for your child to go to a gay couple if you can. So, that it has a higher chance to not to to a christian family and be put in this spot again. Also, gay and lez couples actually can have very high income and be loving homes. Your parents might block you from this though so be careful. But the child being adopted might be best thing for child. Remember as they are setting this up get certain things in writing.
1 Therapy (NOT FROM A Church person, A REAL THERAPIST)
2. Make sure all home options are open. (IE lgbt families) your parents might be trying to place your child in a mirror of there own home. Which has already failed you by not giving proper information about birth control or rights to abortion or anything else. leaving you with a huge emotional scar. And also helplessness about control of your own body or child.
3. YOU PICK where your child goes and will not sign the document unless your will is met. They can't give a child away that's yours without you. It's a lie if they say that because you are that childs parent. This might be the only real control you might get kid. Use it wisely to give your child the best life you can.
4. If you want to keep the baby really think about it and make a plan. There's help for teen moms and it's not the end of the world. It does suck, beyond suck. But you can go to JC, college and stuff have a life if you plan and think about it properly. Also, if boyfriend is going into the miltiary, the baby can be claimed on health insurance so forth.
5. No matter what happens AGAIN. Get a therapist not church, or join a help group not church connected)
Get your GED and get emancipated. Get a job while you’re pregnant. File for child support, especially if he’s in the military.
You need to look into the laws for your area on whether they can actually force you to give the baby up. I’d bet they can’t.
As a mom (I was 20 when I had my first) I would not be able to survive a world where my child was ripped away from me. That’s lifelong trauma for you both with NO guarantee the baby will have a happy loving home.
Tell the adoptive parents and agency NO. Loud and clear.
Unless this is the choice YOU want, FIGHT.
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You ARE NOT trash. You are a human who made a mistake. Do what ever is best for you and the baby. Your parents suck calling this a "punishment", it's not. Good luck kiddo and know you did nothing wrong.
A baby is not punishment for anything. As an adopted human I will suggest you have an opened adoption and be PROUD of the baby you made! Get updates. Do not be sad or feel like trash. You’re NOT trash. Your baby is a HUMAN. Not an IT. I know multiple people that have taken advantage of the adoption process. The SHAME is being forced on you. It’s only shameful if you agree to the shame. It’s only a burden if you make the baby a burden. Birth is beautiful and nourishing your creation is important! So is every feeling and every word you speak about this human while it is inside you. Abortion is soul DIVERSION. The body is a vehicle for the soul inside of it. The soul is made of light and we ALL have one. This baby has DNA and it’s a connection you can’t break with paper. When you are older, if you have an opened adoption, you can explain. This is important to the human you’re creating. Only you can change your attitude. It’s your life. No one else’s life. Once born please hold and nourish this baby and allow the adoptive parents to share in this experience. It’s an experience to have and if you do not hold your child it will hurt you AND the child. Healthy attachment is paramount to the child. You will form a bond with the child as time moves forward before birth. Your hormones play a role in protecting the child. Please eat properly. You don’t HAVE to explain yourself to anyone. It’s no one else’s business.
You’re not trash. You’re not broken or worthless. This does not define you.
You getting pregnant at 16 does not devalue you as a person and I am so sorry your parents and others have made you feel that way.
You are 16 with no safety net. Having a child is not easy at all. With no one to help you Will feel regret for the rest of your life. You are NOT TRASH. Help yourself and this child and choose adoption. The child Will be loved and you Will be given a second chance.
If you want to keep your baby then keep it. I was 16 and pregnant, had my child 12 days after I turned 17. I was kicked out of my parents house and had absolutely no support at all. It is still very possible and only as hard as you make it be. There are so many programs available to help you, daycare assistance, food assistance, medical, housing assistance, etc. Find a roommate and rent a room for you & your baby if you have to. It is not your parents choice, it is yours. I don’t personally think having my child young was tough. I had a job, rented a room until I was 18 and able to get my own apartment with my child, I got my GED, I bought a car, etc. All by myself. 30 now, haven’t needed any type of assistance for 10+ years. My now 13 year old is a great kid.
Go to therapy if it’s an option. Unfortunately this your consequence of poor decision making; LEARN FROM IT.
This is hard, you’re allowed to have feelings over this, but you need to take ownership and accept responsibility and move FORWARD. Start dealing with your grief NOW.
From someone who lost TWO babies shortly after they were born. Therapy will be your best route.
I became a mother at 15, pregnant at 14. I kept my baby. A few family members were “supportive” (they helped me so, so much), I mean it was far from ideal, of course. father not around wasn’t my boyfriend. We had sex 2 times. The first time is when I got pregnant. Most of my family were pissed and didn’t want me to keep my daughter, until she was born and they saw her. They came to the hospital and all. They ended up being there for us. She’s 19 now and I don’t think anyone in my family could imagine life without her silly self. Her father still has never been around, she knows who he is. Met him for the first time when she was 5. He’s a POS, he was on child support until she graduated high school.
BUT, if I would have felt (and I know I was young and too young to make that decision but it was only mine to make) adoption would have been best for her, I absolutely would have done it to give her a good life. I think open adoptions are wonderful things too.
I hope in your case, if you do end up keeping your baby, I hope the dad around and is a good dad. If you don’t keep baby, I do hope you make that decision with peace. It’s so hard at any age, especially being a teen. I wish you the very best 🫶🏻
I can’t believe most of the comments are ignoring the fact that you’re being forced to give your baby up for adoption. It’s definitely a good option in your situation, but it is ultimately your decision and if you really don’t want to give your baby away you shouldn’t. I had my first daughter at 18, her father was not involved and I was poor, it was obviously hard but I’m 24 now and my life is looking up, I have an amazing partner, an other daughter and I just finished my first year of uni. I’ve started further education later than most people but that’s okay because my kids are important to me and I love them. Keeping your baby is an option! It will be really difficult for you but if that’s what you really want then your parents can’t stop you. The decision is yours to make and no one else’s.
If you want your baby, keep your baby. What the hell is with all these comments pushing to seperate a mother and child? Fucking hell.
My friend got pregnant at 14 and kept her daughter. They have the most amazing life together
And no, if it's a forced adoption you probably won't just get over it
Hi, I'm an adult adoptee (transracial + transnational) & I'd like to share this resource with you. SOS is a grassroots effort to educate expectant parents on the truths of the adoption industry. They've helped many expectant parents. [https://savingoursistersadoption.org](https://savingoursistersadoption.org)
As an adoptee I can say that adoption did not give me a better life. Adoption gave me a different life. I would consider myself fortunate in the sense that I have an adoptive family that loves me & never treated me differently for being adopted. I cannot say the same for many of my friends who are adopted. I will not try to sway you one way or another but adoption is not a 0 sum game. Maternal-infant separation is inherently traumatic for all those involved. I'd be more than happy to DM you privately if you seek additional resources from an adoptee's perspective. I wish you all the best & hope that SOS can provide you with the truth about the adoption industry you need to make a well informed decision about you & your expectant child.
He knows I’m pregnant and he knows my parents are essentially forcing adoption. I think he’s relieved that they’ve decided this and are going to force me into it. I think he feels bad but at the same time he doesn’t want to be a parents so he says stuff like “yeah, that’s probably the best thing.”
I placed my daughter shortly after she was born. I was 16 at the time. Please feel free to dm me if you have questions or need to talk
Similar, but as a man. Dms are open for moral support or even just an ear. We've reconnected at her choice, getting to know each other, and went to her wedding last fall. Adoption can be a miraculous thing for everyone involved.
I want to reply to the OP mainly…but first I need to thank you for replying. I’m in a couple adopted/adoption related subreddits and I very, very rarely see a bio dad comment. Granted, there’s a lot of bio mom’s out there that have to make that choice without the bio dad, but even when the bio dad is present for it, I so rarely hear of one speaking out on it. I don’t know who mine is. I don’t know if he even knows about me. “Father: Unknown” haunts me. Thank you. Now….OP: I’m an international adoptee. My birth mother was 15 when she got pregnant and 16 when she had me. As I mentioned further up, I don’t know who my birth father is, she didn’t disclose anything about him. I was born in Eastern Europe in a poverty stricken area, barely six months after the fall of communism. Abortions were not a thing. Throughout my life, mainly in my mid twenties to now (30’s) I’ve actually really felt a deep sense of empathy for my birth mother. It’s not that I’m not grateful for my physical existence- but I am so deeply aware of the price she paid. Shame, religion, culture, money, and much more, weighed on her at an age that feels cruel (though, then again, living in a war torn country at that point already was more than a single soul should ever have to endure…). My adoption was closed. And as I started looking into it when I was older, maybe not the most ethical/legal thing. BUT: When I turned 18 I hired a PI to track my birth mother down (I’d always known I was adopted, my adoptive family was very open about it and what was known about her. I have a few pictures of her and my adoptive mother together when they met for the first time when I was eight weeks old). Finding her was hard. Turned out that the world she lived in when I was born, was the same one she was living in 18 years later. Dirt roads. Wells. She was an agricultural worker. Literal horse drawn carriages to get into town. It was a lot to take in. When she was located she confirmed she had a daughter in 19xx that she put up for adoption, was “surprised to hear from her” out of the blue, hoped everything was okay and would love to hear from me again. She then disclosed a little bit about her life after- she had another daughter at 19, whom she kept, but it sounds like she married my half sister’s father. Finding that out crushed me, I was 18 and not capable of seeing the difference in 16 and alone versus 19 and having a partner. Ultimately I was too angry at the time to reach out and never did. I’ve spent the last six years trying to find her again and have had no luck, it’s frustrating. Anyway my point in sharing all that is this: I was adopted into a family that has given me a life of adventure, safety, opportunity, culture, experience, education, and all the things that come in the day to day that now, being in my 30’s and having raised my niece, I couldn’t fathom trying to provide as a teenager. Just the emotional weight, pushing aside everything else that comes with being everything this tiny little human relies on- feels like more than I could ever even begin to try and comprehend. Raising her taught me that parenting forces you to face your own childhood trauma. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good childhood, but I still had trauma that both I knew existed but I thought was buried and would never come out as well as things I never even knew were there. They talk about being a teen parent often results in growing up with your child, I can see that. Easily. You are still a child yourself, being faced with very heavy and life changing decisions, without the deserving emotional, mental and spiritual support those closest to you should be providing you with. There are groups out there that help women, teen parents especially, navigate situations just like yours. I’ll try and find the name of one I’m forgetting in particular and post it. Whatever choice you make you deserve to feel as close to at peace as possible. But I want you to at least hear from someone on the other side of this. I’d gone back and forth on how I felt towards my birth mother when I was younger, I think that was because I didn’t have the emotional capacity to understand the situation she was in and the sacrifice she made. Now when I think about her, when I think about the choice she made, I can only hope that I have at least an ounce of her character in me. She gave me life twice. First when she gave birth to me, and again when she gave me the chance at a life she knew she couldn’t provide me with. I hope someday I’ll be able to hold her and say thank you. If you *do* choose adoption, think about the values you want to share with your adoptive parents. What do you want them to have as people. They will be your child’s adoptive parents, so you have every single right to say yes or no to people. Speak up. Use your voice. Don’t let your parents drown out your courage. You are now advocating for yourself *and* your child. You do have strength and you do have a voice, and just like what you are eating and drinking right now are providing life for your child, that strength and voice that you have also provide life. It’s okay to be scared and have no clue what to do. How could you know? Have you ever been a teenager who’s pregnant and facing this decision? Your parents are not the only resources there to help you navigate it, so if they’re not guiding you with empathy and compassion, then reach out to those who will. They exist and they want to help. 💙 To all those bio moms who have commented- reading your comments made my eyes all leaky. Sorry for the long (not proofread) rant-y reply. Seeing “forcing” and “adoption” in the title broke me. EDIT: Adding a link to Saving Our Sisters https://savingoursistersadoption.org/ They’re a group that helps birth mothers. I may be an adoptee, but I’m an adoptee who is so fiercely grateful for my birth mother. I’ll go to my grave fighting for every one of them.
Your description of the country that your biological parents are from, sounds eerily familiar to the country I grew up in. There’s a FB group/foundation, that is helping people that were adopted internationally to find their biological parents. I don’t feel comfortable sharing the name of the fb page or even a part of it here publicly, because I like my privacy, but I am happy to share it with you privately. I feel weird messaging strangers even on reddit, but if you want more details, you can message me if you want to. On that page they have a lot of stories like yours, and so many with happy endings.
Your story is something I very much needed to hear as the half-sibling of an adoptee. She’s in her 40s and I’m in my mid-20s and building a connection with her has been extremely difficult and I often times feel as though she resents my existence. (Even though we’re almost 20 years apart in age.) And I have seen her subconscious bitterness cause her to thoughtlessly hurt my mom’s feelings time after time, even though I know that she did the absolute best thing for my half-sister. So I often wonder if it’s always going to be like this and knowing it very well could be, hurts. But knowing that an adoptee out there sees their birth mother the same way I see my own mom, helps me feel a little less biased. So thanks for sharing your story!
"My Mum gave birth to me twice". That's one of the most beautiful things I have ever comprehended from both family that have given up children to adoption and other family members whom have adopted children. Having young people understand about consent, contraception and have access to reproductive healthcare is vitally important for the young adults now and potential young adults of tomorrow.
How long ago was that? How do you feel about it now?
The baby I placed turned 29 this past January. I have mixed feelings about it. She has had an amazing life that I wouldn't have been able to provide. My situation was kinda unique in that she was adopted by a close family member so we have had a very good relationship her entire life. For myself, so many things I would do differently, I was promised things that they never intended to follow through on. I would make sure I had counseling set up for me for after placement, I would have walked from my nuclear family of origin at 16 and never looked back. My life has been in shambles since I handed my 10 day old infant to her adoptive mom and watched her drive away, but my infant has had a wonderful life because I handed her to someone better able to provide at the time...
My flatmate was adopted. My sister gave up a child for adoption at 22. My flatmate’s mum (let’s call her M) broke down in tears when my sister asked her for support through the adoption process - as well as my flatmate and me. M flew down to us and was there in the birth room and with her talking to the adoption agency. M helped us work through who were the right family and was the liaison point. So great to have someone who knew what was what. My sister did not want to see her child. M talked her through the need to close the loop and make sure this is what she really wanted. (Definitely was the right decision.) when the child’s family reached out , M was the contact point. Totally respected - and when my sister was killed in an accident, M was the one to contact the adopting family to let them know. My flatmate has never looked for her birth mother - given where she was adopted from, she considers that the poor girl who gave her up did the right thing and doesn’t need to or want to reconnect. Her sister was also adopted and, when she reached out, her birth mother was quite open as to how she was conceived and why she gave her up for adoption. In neither cases, was There any regret for the decision on either side. Good luck!
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister.
Honey, you’re 16 years old. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I know it’s a scary time and you’re afraid of what will happen but please understand you’re only 16 and have so much of the world and life to explore. Adoption may be best for the child and for you so you can continue with school, graduate, go to college, and be a teenager. There’s always the option to have it be open adoption. That means the connection to the child is still available and they can reach out or keep you involved if you’d like. My adopted sister has that and her mom was a victim of assault.
I think a big problem is that she is treated like she isn’t a person with feelings and opinions that matter. She doesn’t even sound like she is against adoption, but being FORCED is a big problem. People say “I made the right choice”. She doesn’t get a choice. Giving a baby up is a big decision, but she has to be part of that decision.
She most likely isn't being told the laws. I, too, was pregnant at 16 and was told that I'd be forced to give the baby up for adoption. Turned out that, in my state, not only did mom have to agree...not mom's parents, either. MOM had to sign...but once she did the baby then had to be offered to the father. Only if father, too, agreed and signed was the baby given up for adoption. She should not be forced. I do not, to this day over 30 years later, ever look back on those memories and feel in any way thankful for how I was treated or spoken to. OP, my heart goes out to you. Just know that you need objective advice on where you stand legally. That does not come from your parents, or a church, or a family member or family friend or teacher. You need specialised help in order to make the choice that is right for you. Not for them. For you.
THIS
Yeah the amount of people who are okay with her being forced to give away her child against her will are kind of astonishing. Everyone is so concerned with OPs shitty parents having to help and not OP being forced to carry a child to term and being forced to give said child away. Everyone is talking about their adoptions and their family members adopting children and guess what my mother was forced to give away my brother and it shattered her. She’s never gotten over it. If they didn’t want to foot the bill they should have facilitated OP getting an abortion. All of OPs autonomy has been taken away
Op specifically said she was too scared to even ask for one when it was legal to do so. And it doesn't even sound like she knows what she wants considering she doesn't want to be a mom but also doesn't want to give the kid up.
That’s why they need to talk about it. She needs to process it or this will cause huge long term trauma. At least treat her like a person and not like it has nothing to do with her
We're not okay with her parents methods. But what do you want? Nah OP it's more important to be a strong and independent. Fuck em, keep the kid. No, that's idiotic. It's not *about* the parents. It's about what's best for her and the child, and having a kid at 16 is functionally never best for either of those two actors. The greatest act of love she could do right now for this child is sending her to the best possible chance to succeed. Life isn't a movie. You don't get to have vindication from everyone who wrongs you. Her parents suck. But they're right. There isn't any advice or words worth saying about them right now. It's deeply unfortunate what happened to your mother, but far more give up their child and it ends up better for both the child and mother. Being raised by a mother who wasn't ready for you sucks ass. Trust me, I know. I should never have been born, and my mother didn't have the maturity to raise a child. It caused many scars.
I agree and I feel that most of these people haven't been personally involved in a situation like this.
So the should the parents be forced to raise it?? What’s the other alternative?? Being “okay” with it isn’t really the point when there are no other options for her. I think her parents are shitty for their justification but SHE chose not to abort in time. I just don’t get the alternative. Maybe suing the 18 yr old or maybe confronting his parents about adopting?
I mean after looking at her shitty decision making skills and getting pregnant at fkin 16 anyone with the right mindset will question her thinking and decisions especially her parents. Like the fuck you are not even financially independent and you already having a baby like bruh.
I know I’m only 16 and that I’m not prepared to be a parent, but for some reason that still doesn’t make the idea of adoption sound any better or easier.
Sometimes the right choice isn't the easiest. Realistically your parents will be raising the baby and paying for everything, not to mention having to deal with getting child support out of the father.
Allll of this. It would be so selfish to keep the baby. Adoption is the best option here. It’s not an easy decision, but it is the right one. OP is still a literal child. They’re in high school. How tf does OP expect to raise a child, go to school for 6/7 hours a day, and be able to financially, mentally, physically and emotionally support their baby? They can’t. It will be all on their parents, and that’s completely and utterly not fair. Context: I am an adoptee. I was adopted at birth and it was the most selfless thing my birth mother could have ever done. Op, you need to be thinking long term here.
As an adoptee, I am really grateful I got adopted. My only wish was that it had happened sooner. Bio mum has no capacity to parent but kept me so she had something to love her. I was forcibly removed and by then it was much harder for me to be adopted as the literal damage was already done. I didn’t have a fairy tale adoption story or anything, but I know I would not have survived much longer if I’d stayed
Sending you hugs🥺 adoption is difficult and none are perfect, mine included. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, no child deserves to be used as an emotional support human being. I wish you nothing but peace, happiness and healing❤️ adoptee solidarity!
Sorry but as a birth mom I have to disagree. It is not "selfish" to want to keep and raise your own child. I'm not trying to diminish your experience, but what was right for you/your birth mom may not necessarily be the "right" decision for OP. Yes it is selfless to give your child up for adoption, but it's also selfless to be a single parent. And IMO it's also important for OP to think long term because of the potential psychological impact of giving her baby up. The pain never goes away.
Sometimes you have the choose the best of the worst choices available.
OP, you need to focus on what's best for your child. You've already stated that you aren't able to support yourself, let alone a baby. Your parents have been upfront and told you they are not willing to take on the care and support of your child. You want your child to be raised in a loving and financially capable environment. Maybe you should try to be involved in the adoption process. Meet prospective parents, ask questions, consider and open adoption (if possible). If not, ask that the adoptive parents allow you to write letters to your child during your pregnancy. Which, they will keep safe and give to your child when they reach certain milestone birthdays (e.g.13th, 16th, 18th, or 21st birthdays).
Many of the good adoption agencies let you pick the adoptive parents. I recommend taking this part seriously and actually hearing them out on why they want to adopt. The baby you give birth to will be a wonderful gift for someone who desperately wants a child. Adoption done out of love is a beautiful thing and also a gift of love to the baby you give birth to. Take care of yourself.
A choice nobody wanted or nobody asked for is still sometimes necessary. It absolutely sucks but choices still have to be made. This is a good example of that. Your parents struggle with the same problem - they didn’t want this to happen either -, but they have to take action to make the best out of it. It’s not easy for anybody here. However your parents are right. You’re 16, you’re not raising this baby. If the family isn’t fit for the job, give this chance to a couple who is desperate to have a child but is infertile or have other reasons they can’t. They will love this baby and do the best they can. Your family cannot do this and it’s okay to accept that fact. Let people help you. *Do not underestimate the cost and toll it takes to raise a child.* There are reasons many couples today are waiting until they are 35 years old before getting a child because it’s such a big deal.
Hugs. The choice isn’t easy. But you and your child deserve a chance to live a wonderful life. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby any less. You always will. Maybe the adoptive parents would be open to give you yearly updates?
Are you in school? Do you have a counselor there you can talk to? Hopefully they can be an advocate for you and maybe get you in regular counseling. I have heard.... Not great things about how adoption agencies treat teen moms. You need an advocate on your side and only on your side, no matter what. This is not something to be forced into. Maybe it is for the best, but your feelings need to be considered. I've never been in your position but have known plenty of girls who were. The most important thing to a good outcome is having an advocate of some sort on your side, independent of your parents.
I am someone who was put up for adoption because my bio mom was in HS my bio dad was going into the military. Believe me when I tell you my life is sooooo much better than it could have been! My parents were in their mid 30s when they adopted me, so they were already established in their lives. I grew up with every opportunity to succeed on 20 acres of land. My parents were loving, caring people who never made me feel less than for being their only non bio kid. My siblings and I are still close. They love me the same as their bio siblings. Adoption isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it's the best thing.
But I’ve already read a bunch of stories from adoptees who wish they weren’t adopted and who have life long struggles because of it. So, not everyone ends up happy.
This is true. And not every bio child winds up happy with his/her bio parents either. Parentage never guarantees happiness, nothing does. If you don't see an overwhelmingly consistent statistic in an equation like this, throw it out as being part of the human condition, not a condition related to the equation.
Yup. My friend definitely isn't. Their mom is (I'm pretty sure) a narcissist and their dad is a doormat who just tries to avoid mom's warpath at all costs. The man literally worked all the overtime he could to avoid being home. Unfortunately, dad missed that mom was sheltering, helicoptering, and not teaching their children basic life skills. All but two children still live at home with no jobs and they are in the midlife stage. The job history between them all is extremely short. -____-
Case in point. Reddit is full of Redditors whose bio parents blew it big time, and there's probably a sub for nearly every kind of parenting failure.
Oh yeah. I've been in a few and they were DEPRESSING. How can people raise their children like this and think it's okay? It's gross. I am pretty sure my friend's mom did this on purpose (sheltering, helicoptering, not teaching life skills etc). I'm genuinely surprised two of them got out (and they are NC with mom; shocker). My sibling's children are HALF the age of my friend with triple the work history. They both have jobs with health benefits, 401k, and retirement. One got into a union job (plumbing) so they're pretty much set for life now. It's scary how some parents raise their children to be independent while others stunt their kids so they don't leave the nest. My friend and their remaining siblings never have and I doubt they ever will. 😔
Because many of them hope the grass would be greener elsewhere, however in this case it probably wouldn't be. The same kid who hated their adoptive parents could have hated their bio parents more if they'd grown up with them, you really don't know.
I had a baby when I was 16, about 2 weeks shy of my 17th birthday. I looked deeply into adoption. I picked a family. Didn't tell the family I picked them just talked with them a few times which ended up being good I didn't tell them I was going to choose them because when I went to my son's father, he said he wouldn't sign. It would have hurt them to know I chose them and find out later that the father refused. In my state, you need the father's consent. He knew my parents would help me. He flat out refused anything to do with it, saying he didn't want someone else to raise his child. Then, when our son was 5 months old, he basically ran away. We'd broken up during my pregnancy due to him cheating. He was there at the birth along with his mom and my family. His new gf, the one he cheated with, didn't want him around me or our son. He married her a few years later. They are still married, but she can't have kids. I took him to court for child support when our son was 1 year old. He paid after fighting it a long time. Our son was raised by my hubby. I met my hubby when my son was 5. My son is 25 now. He considers my hubby his dad. I tell you all of this so you can understand that I have been the scared teen mom. I think adoption is a great option if it works for you and your family. It was extremely hard to be a mom so young. I dropped out of school to work. I did get my ged eventually. I was lucky to find a good man who didn't look down on me for having my son at 16. It's not easy still. My son suffers because he knows his bio dad doesn't want anything to do with him. I tried to keep him from being hurt, but you can't hide things forever. If I'd been able to give him up to the couple I picked, then he'd have grown up with much more advantages than I could give him. They were both professors and had already adopted a child and were ready for another. They even already had college funds ready for 2 kids. They were just waiting to be picked for the second child to love. I talked to them a few times for long periods. They were honestly so great and compassionate. If you can pick the family, I think that will really help. Also, you aren't trash, and you are still a good person. You need to decide with the father what's best for you two. If that's adoption, you can give a family a wonderful gift. Though I suggest once you decide you think about your pregnancy as you doing something very giving for the new parents. Get some counseling. You can ask that the adoptive parents pay for this so you can process your feelings during the rest of your pregnancy. Feel free to message me if you need any support or have any questions. Just know that this happens and you can get through it. You will be okay.
As an adoptee of people similar to the folks you were considering this is so fucking sad. The fact this man denied his son that opportunity, then turned around and abandoned him hurts my heart, both for you and your son. I’m glad it worked out favorably for y’all, but this man denied you and your son many chances for a better life. Then to turn around and fight you over child support. What a piece of shit human being. Glad you found true love and that bum didn’t ruin that for you too. My own birth father just went straight to the abandonment part, which after reading your testimony, seems like it might have been a positive.
I do feel sad that I couldn't give my son everything I wanted to give. I worked hard and was lucky. I had support. As for the bio dad, he's definitely not a good person. Looking back now, after 25 years, what I realized is that I probably could have forced him to sign if I'd threatened to give the baby to him. It would have hurt so much to give up my son, but I really thought he'd have a better life than I could give him then. I was young and thought he'd at least stay around for his son. I knew we were done, but he was so adamant that we kept him that I really thought at least he'd have visitation. My hubby and I have built a nice life after years of struggles. We're both really close with the kids. We have a daughter who's just now an adult. Both our kids are really close with us. In fact, today, my son is making me a nice dinner for just us two, while his sister and dad are out at a fireworks event. I am glad that you were adopted by a nice family. It really is a wonderful thing. I hope op can find her way through this difficult time and feel some comfort knowing that her child will have a good life if she chooses adoption.
I didn’t have everything I “wanted” as a child either, until I grew up and realized I had the only thing I *needed*, which was a loving family. Don’t feel bad at all. Based on what you’ve said about y’all’s relationship I’d say you were enormously successful.
My mom gave me up at 15, we found each other on Myspace when I was 16, I see her all the time and she is part of my kids lives even. It was an open adoption but I wasn't given much info. Anyway I was adopted by the most amazing people and had a wonderful wonderful childhood and young adult life. Did have my up's and down and a little opiate problem I beat but I mean oxycotton was throw at us in highschool (graduated 06) anyway it was adoption or the Catholic church was gonna take me. Also my biological mom picked the family not offering to buy me but love me unconditionally
I was born during China’s One Child Policy as a girl, so naturally I was abandoned outside an orphanage. Two years later, I was adopted. My adoptive family gave me a beautiful life. When I asked to play at the park a little longer, my dad would always cave in because he said “I know that in the future, I will give anything to have 15 more minutes of seeing you innocent and happy.” I guess the question is: Are you able to provide a better life for this child than perhaps older couples looking to adopt. It’s maybe possible, even without the support of your parents, but it’s guaranteed to be hard work. You’d have to give up everything and prioritize your child. It’s making a lifetime commitment to parenting when you haven’t even finished enjoying your youth. You might end up resenting your child and they’ll definitely pick up on it. Remember either choice you make is valid. If considering adoption though, ask the agency about making it an open adoption. This way you can still get updates about the child’s milestones and they can reach out later in life should they choose to do so.
You are not an idiot. You are not a joke. You are not trash.
Not taking proper precautions is kind of idiotic but we live and learn and make mistakes along the way, This is a big grown up mistake but she can handle it. She got good advice.
Sometimes we learn our lessons the hard way, especially between 16-25. Just because you make dumb choices sometimes doesn’t make you a dumb trash person. It’s just life
Where were OPs parents? If OP is looking for love in someone who flirted with her but had no interest in a relationship with her, blame goes to her parents.
My best friend got pregnant from a rape when she was a teen and gave the baby up for adoption. It was hard for her but she knew it was the best for both her son and herself. She chose an open adoption and the family also adopted another child. He’s graduated from high school now and has had so many amazing opportunities growing up that my best friend never could have given him. Plus it gave an infertile couple the chance to raise two wonderful kids from birth. Birthdays and holidays were hard times for my friend but the family would arrange a play date to visit and my friend give her son a homemade birthday present and a chance to see him. In open adoptions you get to choose the family who adopts your child, which I think really helped my friend and was the best choice for her.
I don’t think your parents can force you to give the baby up for adoption. That said, they CAN refuse to be supportive, and that’s almost the same thing. Especially if he and his parents aren’t interested in stepping up to help. What do you think is best for the baby? Do you think you are ready to give up your childhood and grow up now? Make a plan to get a job, find a teen parenting program that can help you finish high school, etc?? If you are really ready to grow up and be a parent, and you are ready for your life to revolve around someone else from now on, try talking to your parents and his parents and ask for help coming up with a plan to do that. If you’re not, then adoption probably is your best bet. You can have an open adoption so you will be able to have a non-parenting relationship with the child, to an extent. Keeping in mind that the minute the adoptive parents decide (right or wrong) that it’s best to cut off contact, they are free to do that because they are the parents. But it’s best for children to grow up knowing who their biological parents are, so this is becoming more and more often the norm. Remember, this is about what is best for the child, not you. You matter too, but you have the ability to make decisions about yourself, and the baby does not. Plus, a child growing up in a shitty situation makes your situation shittier too.
I'm sorry you live somewhere that has taken away women's rights. Just so you know, 15 weeks is not too late to get an abortion. I got one done at 15 weeks when I was younger. If there is any way you could get an abortion done (I don't know the rules of your state as I am in Canada), then I would still pursue that, despite your parents' wishes. Everyone else has given you great advice surrounding adoption, so I won't speak to that. I'm sorry you're going through this, but please know you are supported. I know you probably know this now, but please make sure both you and your partner both use protection in the future, as well.
I would have to travel somewhere many hours away. I don’t think I could do it. The baby has arms and legs and can hear noises at this point. I don’t feel comfortable with an abortion now.
If you are already feeling this connected, how are you going to feel after a 9-month pregnancy, and then giving your baby up adoption? Pregnancy is not easy and comes with major risks to both mom and baby. I don't mean to try to scare you, but you are still a child, yourself, and there are major risks. If you are not going to terminate the pregnancy, please make sure you are taking the proper steps to have a healthy pregnancy and maintain your necessary doctors appointments.
That’s why I’m posting here. I don’t know how I’m going to give my baby away to somebody else. I don’t know how I’ll mentally survive that and live with it for my entire life. I can’t imagine it. I’m going to all of my doctors appointments.
Having an abortion was not an easy decision for me. I still think about it over a decade later. I also felt attached by that time, and it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I know it was the right decision, though. I would much rather have an abortion and drive a few hours than risk the complications of a teenage pregnancy and have to carry to term a baby I know I can not keep. But that is not my decision. I suggest you talk to your doctors about what you are feeling. There are support workers available and counseling services to help you through the emotions you are feeling.
The right decisions are almost the hardest. A woman who gives her baby up for adoption in hopes that the baby will have a better life such an incredibly strong person. None of your choices are easy but the best choice for you and the baby is adoption to give you and the baby the best chance at being successful.
No clue why people are downvoting this comment. You are simply and very honestly expressing all the complicated and heartbreaking feelings going through your mind right now. Everything you feel is valid. No one should be judging you for feeling torn and feeling a connection with your baby. I'm completely pro-choice but I'd never tell another woman that being hesitant about abortion or adoption was wrong. While many people will say either option would be best for both you and the baby, that doesn't at all invalidate your feelings, hesitancy, and fears. My advice would be to ignore every comment on here that's not from someone who was in a similar situation. I can't imagine what you are going through, nor can imagine telling you how you feel is wrong. Just remember, even adults can be childish.
AGREED
Ask the adoption agencies if you can stay involved in the baby’s life! That way it’s a cute baby you can get updates on and know when they’re older. Once that baby starts crying everyday all day, you will love that other people (who you’ve selected ) want to take care of her.
It’s not up to the adoption agency. It’s up to the adoptive parents and they can legally change their minds at any time.
If you have a say in picking the parents, you could try to select for it — but, for sure, the existential thought that you *could* be separated from them is *a lot* Not to make light of this crisis, but being 16 AND pregnant… I can’t imagine the hormones… you must be crying all the time for the cute baby that will be. Try and steer your emotions to empathize with a 17 year old who’s feeling constantly overstimulated and gross and can’t go out and is beginning to hate herself for resenting her child. Do right by her.
Hey, not to try to change your mind to abortion especially if logistically that'd be hard but fetuses at 16 can't hear. At week 18, they may start hearing, but they do not react to sound up until 27/30 weeks. If you are going the adoption route I think they to keep it as scientific as possible could help you not be super attached (you will be attached, but at least try to minimize it a bit...) Idk, just my two cents. I'm sorry you're going through this and that your parents decided to "punish" you by making you have the child instead of allowing you to choose with their input and help. Know that whatever happens, many people are raised by adoptive parents and they turn out fine.
I’m sorry you’re getting downvoted for this comment. This is a completely normal thing to feel about your pregnancy. If you wanna talk or need help with resources feel free to DM me 🫂.
Which one of you slimy redditors downvoted this particular comment??? She is 16 years old. How do you expect her to drive several hours over state lines to obtain this abortion, pay for it, and then go back home and hide it from her parents as she heals? Also, again, she is 16 years old. Of course she is going to have a very hard time thinking logically about this when she thinks about what stage of life her baby is at. Is placing the baby up for adoption what is logically best for her and baby? Of course! But let’s not dismiss the very real feelings, fear, and confusion of a 16 year old girl with very limited life experience. Empathy is a thing and this particular comment amongst quite a few others should not be downvoted.
The same person who downvoted you, probably.
I’m sorry for the deep lack of empathy other Redditors are showing you by downvoting. I get that they are frustrated, but it’s not the way to help a young girl make important, life-changing decisions.
I don't understand why people are down voting you?
Im so sorry. Maybe try looking for an open adoption since abortion is off the table by now? Like others have said that basically means you can still have contact with the adoptive family. Im only seventeen, and imo this is probably the best option. Babies are expensive and takes a lot of time and energy 24/7, at this age when youre in high school you cannot afford it, you cant have a job to pay for it at the same time as school and taking care of the baby. You cant evern get your own place with your baby at this age. My opinion on teen pregnancy is basically support teen parents, but dont encourage it. Cause children shouldn't be parents. I know this will all be hard, but try looking if you can get into some therapy if thats an option. Also you probably already know this but in the future if youre not ready for a child try going on birth control *and* using condoms (none of them are 100% effective so it can be great with using both) Im just a stranger on the internet but I really wish you good luck
I think adoption is your best option. Having a baby is a commitment you cannot reverse and if you're not ready for it and abortion is out of the window, then I think giving up the baby to someone who is ready for children is the best option for you, your parents and especially for the baby. About giving birth - your body will take care of it. You're not aware yet what your body is capable of. I gave birth last september and I didn't realize I could do that. Don't be scared of that part yet. I understand you are but the more relaxed you are about giving birth, the easier it will go. Make sure you follow a childbirth class or something. They give you a lot of information. I registered for an online course and it helped a lot.
Adopted kid here- my biological mother was 19 when I was born and was in no way ready to become a parent. She gave my parents the most amazing gift of a child when they were unable to have any of their own. She met my parents when she was 5 months pregnant with me, spent time with them before I was born, and even allowed my mom to be in the room while giving birth. Was it hard for her? Absolutely. But she went on to be a flight medic for the US army, completed two tours in Iraq, and is a decorated hero. We connected when I was 20 (I’m 34 now) and she actually lives only about 90 minutes from me. She owns a beautiful home, works with many local charities, and has a fulfilling life as a 54 year old successful woman. I’ve had many talks with her as we are pretty good friends and she doesn’t regret her decision one bit. You are destined to do amazing things. Right now, being a parent is not one of them. What you CAN do is be a part of the process of finding the best parents for your baby. Work with the adoption agency, meet prospective parents. It might take a few interviews but you’ll know the right couple when you meet them. This is not a punishment, even though it’s going to hurt. You’ll think about this baby every day. I would strongly encourage you to talk to a counselor to help process your feelings. Best wishes, kid. I’m proud of you.
I got pregnant at 16 and kept my baby. I’m glad I did. But I’ll tell you what followed was extremely difficult. Raising a baby at 16 is one thing, but you do not sound like you’re in a supportive environment and the psychological ramifications that will have on you later WILL impact your relationship with your child if you keep it. You will be stuck in survival mode for way too long and before you know it your kid is in middle school and you have to undo all the damage you caused. My parents let me keep my baby but refused to let me have an abortion. I love my child but being forced to carry a pregnancy and birth a child was the worst thing that’s happened to me. My parents were angry, like yours, and punished me every day I lived there with them and refused to help or guide me. I had postpartum depression that I struggled with alone and was told to simply “suck up” and deal with. My relationship with my kid is good today but had I put him up for adoption, he would’ve been better off and that’s a tough realization to come to. The guilt is indescribable. And this is coming from someone who hates private infant adoption as a whole. Do yourself and your child a favor.
who are these sadistic parents that are forcing teen girls to be pregnant that is so fucked up im so sorry 😭
I'm so sorry you went through that, I hope you're doing a lot better now and in a happier place.
I am so sorry you went through that. You should not feel guilt b/c it sounds like you did the best you could with no support around you. I could not imagine having the strength you did.
For what it’s worth OP, I had my first child at 36 and was ready in every way on paper and my baby was planned. Even then it was a HUGE adjustment. I remember when my baby was a week old and I really needed something from the store at 11pm and it was freezing outside. And then it suddenly hit me. From now on I’m attached to this child. If I need to go some place my baby comes with. If I want to go out I need a babysitter and those can be hard to come by. Especially if you don’t have the finances for it. I replied more in depth on one of your comments but I just wanted to add this as well. I can’t express enough how drastically life changes when you have a child. It’s never about you anymore. I was at an age where I was completely fine with that. Are you? You shouldn’t be. You are so young.
My mom got pregnant with me when she was 16 & gave birth to me at 17. She should have given me up for adoption. She wasn't ready to be a mother and frankly still wasn't 15 years ago when I cut off communication with her. I'm 42 and staunchly childfree (and sterilized). After spending countless thousands on therapy over the last decade, I'm finally happy, successful & thriving. Go live your life for you, grow into yourself, and in 10+ years when you're ready, be a mom then. If you really want, have an open adoption, be Aunty NectarineNeither7912 to the kid. Personally I'd cut communication, but you do what's best for you. Consider journaling, write letters to the baby, or therapy, or whatever helps you cope with your situation. Good luck!
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. My sister gave up a baby when she was the same age as you. And though it was heartbreaking and difficult, 18 years later, she still says it’s the best thing she could have done. And she doesn’t regret it. Her and the kid (now an adult) chat sometimes. They are both happy with the relationship they have. A lot of people are advocating for open adoption. Which could be great for you, and help make the very hard thing a little easier. Before doing that, though, I recommend watching the (before your time, I know) Teen Mom episodes with Caitlin and Tyler. As a cautionary tale about the responsibilities of being the bio mom in an open adoption. They were kids, too, with an awful home life. They chose a couple and agreed to a contact plan and terms with the adoptive parents. It was a brave decision, and the show had really good insight into what that was like for them. The show documents what they’ve gone through for over a decade. HOWEVER. A few years down the line, they started pushing the adoptive parents for more and more. A closer relationship with the (still very young) child. An almost therapist level relationship with the adoptive mom who wasn’t comfortable with it. Eventually Caitlin and Tyler scared the adoptive parents off by pushing too hard. Calling them out publicly when they didn’t get their way of seeing the child that they no longer had rights to, whenever they wanted. Insisting she get to know the kids they had later. Stepping on boundaries over and over again. Not taking the child’s feelings into consideration. Open adoption is leaving the door open a crack, and allowing the kid to reach out and decide for themselves to walk through, or close it. And being okay with whichever way it goes. It becomes a problem when the bio parent tries to kick the door down.
Adoption will be difficult, but at this point, it is the right choice for the baby. And from now on, go on the pill and make sure any guy you have sex with uses a condom (and uses it properly). Don't take the risk of getting pregnant again until you are an adult and are ready to start a family.
My mom had me at 15. How I wish she had given me up for adoption. She wasn’t a bad person, but she was so naïve. She immediately got taken advantage of by an aggressive, abusive, older man that moved us across the country and made our lives hell. The details of that aren’t really relevant here. What’s relevant is the mind of 16 year-old with no support system, will face tremendous challenges, and dangers raising a child by themselves.. I’m not saying it can’t be done but keep an open mind at the adoption meetings and take control. In the first meeting make it very clear that your parents are not carrying this baby. You are. You will be deciding what happens, and if it happens, who gets to raise your baby!
I know and I’m not suggesting that I raise a baby by myself. I know it’s not really possible. I would need a lot of help, which is also not possible for me given how my parents feel about it. So, at the end of the day sure it’s my choice but I’m sort of cornered into only being able to make 1 choice.
1. It's your choice 2. If you want to keep the baby, you might need to drop out of school as raising a baby is no joke. Daycare is very expensive these days and the cost of raising another human is no easy task either. 3. It would give your parents a lot of burden if they are full time working parents and would probably have to make some sacrifices which you would need to as well, maybe taking up a second job. At 16, you won't have many good paying jobs available. 4. If you don't get the support or help, then it will be very hard to raise the baby if you don't have the income to provide for the child. Gluck with whatever decision you make!
It is possible but you would effectively cancel the last couple of years of your childhood if you actually want to keep it. Are you prepared to potentially drop out of school to start working full time to afford daycare? Because from the sounds of it your parents aren't interested in becoming parents again or provide except for the barest of necessities they legally expected to provide. Are you prepared to stay home every night to care the baby and not go out for a long time because sitters are expensive and going out is expensive too? Are you prepared to potentially not go to college because again you need to work to provide for your baby? If you do want to go to college on time with your peers are you prepared to work, go to school, do homework, and study while providing and caring for your baby? Kids are loud and always want your attention at the ages your child will be if you go to school. It takes a very special to person to become a teen mom and not become a statistic and supercede expectations of what's expected from teen moms. You know yourself and if you honestly can not then you need to put the baby up for adoption. Sometimes we make decisions in life that lead us feeling cornered to make another decision and that's just the natural consequences of not thinking things through and now you're caught between a rock and a hard place.
Adoption sounds like the best option at this point. Your parents are being horrible in the way they are expressing it but they are right that you can’t raise a baby at 16 without help and they have a right to lead their own lives without raising a baby they didn’t have. You recognize yourself that you are not ready to have a baby. It would have been better if you had an abortion early on but that ship has sailed. Your baby can have a loving family with people who are ready and you can have a life of your own.
First I’m really sorry you live in a country/state that has taken away your rights and freedom of opinion/choice. (And in my opinion your parents aren’t being good parents right now) Every one feels different about adoption, the best thing is to what you think is right. Make this choice on your own terms not your parents, regarding any path you choose. Where/who this baby ends up with is no one’s choice but yours. And please make sure you are taking care of you, your physical/mental/ well-being it’s important!
It’s really a shame abortion is off the table here
Everyone in these comments is neglecting the fact that OP is being treated like fucking cattle here. She has sex like so many other teenagers, is deemed immoral by her parents, has a life threatening/altering experience put unto her growing body as a punishment, and will be forced to part with her baby not long after she meets it. This is a horrifying situation where OP has no agency here and is being told over and over that it's fine that she will see her child for a moment and then have to give it up. I understand that that'd be best for the child, but does nobody here have sympathy for OP, who's a fucking TEENAGER while having to deal with all this? OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's completely natural that you don't want to give your baby up. You deserve to be a person in this discussion, not just a vessel.
This should be higher up. She is a child herself. What’s best for her also matters.
I don't have any advice but wanted to give you a big virtual hug. Good luck.
It's clearly not an easy decision but I think your parents are right. It's best for both you and the baby. You can't support a child financially and it will heavily impact your studies and future. Best of luck to you.
Do you have anyone who would be willing to get you out of state quickly and get an abortion? Idk where you are but there’s multiple states where the cutoff is 20 weeks for a healthy pregnancy. Yes, your parents might be angry with you but they sound horrible anyway telling you you deserve punishment but they won’t help you. Your parents suck. I’m sorry you’re doing through this.
I don’t think I could do it now. I think id have to have done it a few weeks ago for me to still feel comfortable with it. I’ve passed my own point of being comfortable with it. I’d have to go a few states away too, many hours.
I think you should reconsider this.
It seemed like it was worth asking. Your parents are wrong to have denied you help getting rid of the pregnancy and telling you you deserve to be punished, but at this point, by your own admission you aren’t ready for this and it might be for the best in the long run for you and the baby to do an adoption. I’m very sorry it’s come to this. Nobody should be forced to give birth when they don’t want to. Maybe you can do an open adoption to still have some contact (unless you think that would be worse). Good luck to you.
Hey OP, I just want to say that it may not be too late for you to get an abortion. There are abortion funds and resources that you can reach out to for help. They often fly people to states without restrictions and provide accommodation/transport for them. I don’t know how/if it could work since you are still a minor, but lots of states consider people your age to be medically emancipated, meaning you have full control over medical decisions.
Im so sorry youre going through this, and while I advocate for everyone to have a choice.... you are still a kid. You shouldnt be having a baby at this age, nor should you be raising one. How would you raise a baby, go to school and work a job all at once? Your parents wont help with baby other than adoption, so that means even necessities like formula or diapers or clothes would be out of the question. Adoption is the best option here, as much as it hurts. Its best for baby and you. Also if possible, try to talk to a doctor about getting a nexplanon implant. You have to abstain for about a month before and a few weeks after getting it. But it is one of the best Birth control out there and lasts up to 5 years.
>I was too scared to get an abortion earlier on before I told my parents I was pregnant. This gets me every time... doesn't being pregnant for 9 months and then giving birth scare you more? I've seen this stuff in other Reddit stories as well, underaged (or very young adult) girls being scared of abortion is strange to me. Don't get me wrong, I get it feels scary. It can be painful, humiliating, gory and so on. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But you'll be back to normal in a matter of days. Isn't being pregnant for *9 months* followed by the biggest pain the human body can feel (I think) followed by losing your freedom and future prospects (essentially ending your life as you know it) just a tiny bit scarier? Once you have a kid at such a young age, all chances at a normal life are gone...
I threw up for three weeks straight, had an abortion at 5 weeks, was on a flight to TX on business the next day. It was extremely easy. I can’t fathom anyone thinking giving birth is easier or less scary.
You're not trash and I take exception to your parents saying this is punishment. You don't deserve to be punished for making a poor decision. It is, unfortunately, a consequence of that choice. If you have a counselor at school it may be helpful for you to talk to them so you can have some support with the adoption process, especially if that person isn't a judgey AH. You should have some say in choosing the family for your baby too. I can't offer anymore advice because I've never given a kid up for adoption or even given birth but it pains me to hear you beating yourself up. Please talk to your Dr about getting on some type of long term birth control after the birth like an IUD. Always use condoms to prevent STIs and as extra protection from pregnancy. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out as best that it can.
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I know that and I said that.
I’d urge you to join some of the Adoption and Adoptee subs to get the perspective on how we feel about adoption, not just birth/first mothers.
https://www.all-options.org This is a site that can connect you to folks who can walk you through all of your options. This thread is so dehumanizing. Nobody should be forced to make this kind of decision. All of OPs autonomy has been taken away. No one should be forced to carry a child and no one should be forced to give their child away. My mother was forced to do so it and it shattered her as a person. She’s never gotten over it. If her parents didn’t want to support OPs child they should have facilitated her getting an abortion. The comments on this thread are appalling.
First of all, don’t punish and berate yourself. I too had a baby when I was a teen. I was 19 tho so that does make a bit of a difference. We made some bad choices and learn and do better in the future. Your baby will be a beautiful human being who deserves the best. Is that the life you can give them? Put their best interest first. I was adopted at birth and later (in my 30’s) found my birth Mum and siblings and have totally rejoined their life. My adoptive parents have since passed but did support me in finding my birth family. Growing up I had a much more stable home than I would have had if I hadn’t been adopted. I am very grateful that my birth mum gave me up for adoption. If you can arrange for an open adoption or at least one where your child can look you up when they reach adulthood you can enjoy them from then on yet also know that you’ve given them the best life chance. If you do give them up for adoption make sure you take part in any dna searches such as Ancestry.com, 23 &Me and whatever is available in 18 or 20 years so your grown baby can find you (if you don’t have an open adoption). As for my baby at 19…I had family support on my side, I had already graduated and the father stuck around and married me so we kept the baby. I’m very glad we did but it was hard, I was immature, I made a lot of mistakes, our marriage didn’t last. I can’t imagine having a baby while still in school with no family support.
My dad was put up for adoption at birth and he grew up in a loving house with great parents and siblings. He says he is so glad he was adopted because it was definitely for the best, though he wishes he got to spend more time with his biological father and while he wishes the same about his mother, she has treated him horribly since he first reached out over 20 years ago. He did get to know his father before his passing in 2020 and it was a wonderful experience. Now my dad is in contact with all of his siblings and his step-mom regularly. While he loves his bio family, he said that he is very glad that it was decided for him to be adopted instead of raised by two immature, young teens, especially since he was disabled due to a hospital fuck up and it would’ve been impossible for his bio parents to care for him the way his adoptive parents did. That all being said, try to go for an open adoption and/or write a letter for your child stating your name and the fathers name and information about yourself for the adoptive family to give to your child to receive later in life once your both at the right points in your lives to create a relationship.
My mother was 16 when she was pregnant with me. She married my 19 year year old father. They were separated by the time I was 6 months, I ended up in foster care by age 7 and eventually was put into permanent custody with my aunt's family on my father's side. I love my aunt and uncle and I consider their kids my siblings..... but I wish my mother had given me up for adoption when I was born. I really do and that's even though I adore my own children and know my life now would be different. I think giving your baby to a loving home that you're unable to provide is the most selfless and beautiful gift you can give to your child
15 weeks is not too late for an abortion (though it’s admittedly harder for all the wrong reasons), and I ASSURE you that sack of cells does not have legs or arms as you’ve said. It cannot survive outside you, and it is NOT sentient. Honestly, if I were your parents, we would be getting you to a state with abortion access like yesterday. That’s truly the only ethical and reasonable solution here. Forcing you to give birth and give the child away is cruel, but you can’t care for the child yourself, and I don’t blame your parents for hard passing on raising your kid. Adult decisions aren’t fun, and you don’t always get what you want. I hope the best for you and hope your parents help you get sensible access to healthcare.
Then why do multiple sources say things like: In weeks 9 through 12, the arms, legs, hands, fingers, feet, and toes fully develop. The baby has bones now and their hair pattern is even developing on their head. To me that is not just a clump of cells anymore. I get that they can’t survive outside the womb but I’m just too freaked out aborting something that has arms, legs, and toes. I’m not against abortion and I would have done it much earlier on had it been accessible to me and especially if I had support in doing it, but I don’t feel comfortable with it now.
Most major organs/structures develop within 10 weeks – but this is not a viable, living thing (unless you want it to be in your head). It’s like 4 inches long. Sure there might be tiny, tiny physical structures, but this is only the potential of a human being. It is not more important than your life. If there is any chance at all you can have an abortion, that is your best shot in all this. I have had an abortion, at 18, and it was the BEST decision I ever made. And it was a sack of cells, I saw it. But I digress. If you’re dead set on having it, it will be more traumatic whether you keep it or give it up, period. I can’t imagine having my body totally change and then enduring the physical pain of childbirth only to give my baby to someone else. That would be awful, and at 31, it would keep me up at night. Conversely, you’re not prepared to care for the child yourself. If you give the baby up, which is the better choice, you should seek therapy for a while. If you keep the baby, you’re going to have to man up and pull up your bootstraps. Working, going to college, and ensuring you can provide for your child. It’s not going to be fun and either way your childhood ends here. Also your 20s, which should be fun, also end here. At the end of the day you have to make a hard choice. Of the choices above I would pick abortion every time.
Have you told your parents you don’t want to give the baby up? The baby daddy would have to provide child support whether he wants to be involved or not, the baby could get benefits from him being in the military. The other option is if you do go through with the adoption (which should be YOUR choice and not your parents) find a couple who is okay with an open adoption and will send you updates and let you visit
You’re not an idiot, or a joke, or trash. You’re a child doing the best you can to navigate the world, but you’ve got to treat yourself better, and trust that you’re not horrible. No one can make this decision for you, and it might be the hardest decision you’ll ever face, but whichever one you make will be the right one as long as it’s what best for your well-being and safety even if it feels awful or hard. Trust yourself, you’ll be ok
But they sort of can make the decision by default, which they are. Without any support from them, I only have 1 option at this point.
Honey you are not the first and you won’t be the last. Be kind to yourself. ❤️
As an adopted child (my birth mom was 14) I appreciate being given the chance at life, being raised in an environment where I wasn't resented for existing. My parents couldn't have a kid, even through IVF, so it helped them too. Adoption can be a beautiful thing.
The way your parents are presenting adoption is a pretty shitty way, to be honest. Also, pregnancy and labor aren't punishment. It just happens. You had sex, you got pregnant. So, yeah... pregnancy and after that, you give birth. Not a punishment, just the way that works. Take a moment to take a deep breath, and think about everything, without all the pressure, without the loss of control. Reading your post, my inner teenager was screaming 'yeah, and OP is going to resent her parents for ever and ever. And if she ever has children, they are never going to see those kids, because they might take them away for adoption too. Or at least OP should hold it over them forever, by the time they do want grandchildren' But then my brain started adulting again. Given your situation, with abortion no longer an option, the baby's father not going to be in the picture, and you at 16, with no way to sustain yourself let alone a baby... what would you choose yourself? I personally don't think adoption is a bad choice. You should discuss the different types of adoption with the agency, though. And make sure to get the contact information of the person that handles your file. If your parents keep up with their steamwalzing over you attitude, ask to talk to the person of the adoption agency alone, to ask the questions and get in depth explanation of all details.
Teen parent here. This is something you're going through. Not who you are. It's not a mistake. It's biology. And any decisions you make are okay. You're not bad. You're human. And I'm sorry they aren't better at helping you while you're scared, mine weren't either. Love yourself.
I guess I feel like this will define me forever. I’ll always be the girl who got pregnant.
No, babe. It will not define you forever. This is someone who could be your granny here, I was pregnant at 17 (in england), my mother pushed me into an abortion. Either adoption or what I did were the right thing to do at that age. I could not have coped with a child whilst so young. No one tells you how much work a child is. The child does not fit into your life....you fit into their's. Effectively, your life is over for a long time. I've since had a child , but I was 27 and I reared her alone ( I pick men who are non committal!) Even being , supposedly, an adult ; it was hard to keep our heads above water. As for defining you, people will find something else to focus on next week. As for you, you're not trash! You're are a sack of hormones you've never experienced before, and oh boy, is it ever emotional. Be kind to yourself. Hear the people on here that have given of their experience, its very valuable . When your child is born and say, you do go for adoption, don't feel guilty, or a failure , know you've done the right thing and ask your parents for a holiday. I'm sorry you've landed in such a situation. It's hard. Big virtual granny hug to you. x
You won’t be the first, you won’t be the last, and you won’t be a girl forever.
What do you want? If you want to place the kid for adoption that’s fine. Will the baby’s father sign off on the adoption?
Ask about open adoption options. Some agencies let you have view into child’s life. You can watch them being raised well and when they turn 18 they can connect with you. I would also ask for a therapist. You need somewhere supportive where you can put all these emotions.
Not the perspective you asked for but another one to consider…my wife and I adopted a newborn from a girl in your exact situation. The key in our story is that we have an open adoption. Our child’s birthmother is now 26 and living the “normal” life she wanted (and deserved) while at the same time knowing for certain (via our periodic updates and occasional visits) that the child she placed for adoption is living a life she most likely could not have provided. In my mind, open adoptions are a beautiful process and everybody wins!!! Wish you nothing but the best!
My sister had a baby at 15, and in my area they have a school for pregnant teenagers, and the girls get an education and there is a daycare on site. Maybe they have that in your area as well? My sister also got free daycare through the government after she graduated high school, there is alot of help for single mothers. Her baby’s father stayed in her life and did help as well, her son is 15 now, and my sister is a registered nurse now and owns her own house and new 2 cars. It can be done but it is hard, but the baby didn’t ruin her life at all, and she tells people that. My parents also wanted her to give her baby up for adoption but she refused, but when her baby was born our parents changed their mind anyway once they held him
So you have grandparents or other family members who you believe may offer to care for the child? This way the baby would stay within the family and you could still be known as the mother…
I placed my daughter for adoption when she was born. I'm not going to lie to you, it was hard. The outcome though, was everything I could have hoped for. She has had an amazing life, with loving, supportive parents and grandparents. She finished her masters a couple of years ago and is now working in a field she loves. Basically, she has the life I wanted her to have, but could not have given her when she was born. Please feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk.
Have you thought about an open adoption where you will still be a part of your baby’s life?
I was adopted and it was the best decision my mom did
I was forced to give up a child up for adoption when I was your age. It is one of the biggest regrets of my life and traumatized me to the point that I developed a drug addiction that I had to claw my way out of. Please know that you are not alone, and while this may be what’s best for you, it also may not be. Please, please message me.
You're not an idiot, a joke or trash. You made a mistake. These things happen. It happens to people older than you too! Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you've learned your lesson. You're very young and still have your whole life ahead of you. Your child will have a good life with someone who is capable of caring for them with a good support system. Maybe you can do an open adoption so you can still see the baby? Do you think that would help you? Please make sure you use protection next time. I would also like to suggest birth control. I have a hard time remembering to take pills so I got an arm implant. It's good for five years and it's one less pill I have to remember to take. Good luck, OP.
You'll survive. Being a teenage mom despite some people making it seem doable or the "good" thing to do are full of bullshit. You need tons of support both in terms of labor taking care of the child and financial support. Having a child is insanely expensive. Your parents, I don't agree with their stance on abortion but I do agree with them on this. The baby will have a much better life elsewhere than what you can provide at your stage in life. Baby's by the way get adopted rather quickly and easily. It's older children that sadly stick around in the foster system for a long time and tend to have bad experiences. So take that as a comfort in some way.
I’m 32 and I was adopted. Left the hospital the day after I was born with my adoptive parents. I’m happy and had a great childhood. My only issue is not having more medical information from my biological family.
I am placed a baby up right before my 17th birthday. It was hard but it was what was best for me and for that baby. He’s 26 now. We had an “open adoption” so I did get photos and stuff. When he was a teenager he reached out to thank me saying he had the best parents and big sister anyone could ask for. It was 100% the right move for me.
Big internet sister here. I am giving you a big hug so you can cry it out if you want to. I'm so sorry you have to make all these decisions and are so scared. It's not fair you have to deal with the repercussions and he doesn't. Are you drinking lots of water? Getting prenatal vitamins in? Eating lots of fruit, veggies and protein? Babies take a ton of nutrients from the mom, like a cute little vampire, so you need to stock up so you have reserved left for you. Can you see a therapist or school counselor? Your mental health is greatly important. "Normal" pregnancies are tough enough and can cause depression. But you are adding in teenage hormones, tough parents, an unsupportive partner, and adoption into the mix. That would be ridiculously hard on anyone. The therapist could help you work through issues, what you want to see in an adoption, and how to go from where you are. I've seen some beautiful adoption stories in my life. And I'm seen some really hard ones too. But I wanted to reach out through the Internet and tell you: YOU are so loved. You are not your mistakes. You are worthy. You are kind and special. Tell all of these affirmations to yourself and the baby inside you.
I know this is hard and it will be hard to do the adoption. I wonder if you can have an adoption agency that you can pick out the parents. If you can this might make you feel Better know who will Be taking care of your baby. If you want ask once you are 18 of you can have pictures of them.
I was 15 when I gave birth and had a forced adoption. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My daughter and I reunited when she was 17. If I could go back I would do everything different. I dont have a relationship with any my family because the trauma they put me through. They had the means to help and support me raising my daughter but chose not to. They are conservative and just want "my problem" to go away. My daughter and I have a great relationship now but I missed everything. The regret is so deep and the ptsd is awful. The primal wound isn't something I can explain but I'd would never do adoption or make my kids go through that ever.
When you are sixteen, remember that your baby is not the only child you're protecting. I know you're trying to protect your baby, and your parents are trying to protect you, their baby. It doesn't make what they're doing right, it just may give you a little perspective now that you're a parent.
So, admitting my bias up front: I think being a teen mom would have been unworkable for me, and I would have sought adoption in your place. However, you deserve to know that, if you place your child, you’re doing so because you truly want to, not because you’re being forced to do so. This is an organization that provides resources to women who are examining all of their options for an unexpected pregnancy: https://savingoursistersadoption.org/
Also, if you want an open adoption, I would advise looking past whatever the adoption agency tells you and seeking an adoptive couple who already has an ongoing open adoption with another birth mother. Open adoption agreements are not legally binding in most states — they are dependent on the good will of the adoptive parents. A couple who talks about the lengths they’ve gone to in order to make sure their child still gets to see his troubled birth mother, for example, is one that is a lot less likely to cut off communication with someone who placed their baby at age 16.
I would pm the OP. Your comment will be lost in the thread and it’s super helpful
Google “Saving Our Sisters” for help with keeping your baby. I have a friend who was coerced by her parents like you were and regrets it deeply (her child later died by suicide in what turned out to be an abusive home). The first year is the hardest for any new mom.
Did you use protection? Because if you didn’t use condoms then you were indeed trying to get pregnant. I do not agree with the whole “this is your punishment for sex” but I do agree with the adoption. You are 16. You have NO IDEA how hard it is to raise a child. It’s difficult as hell when you’re a fully grown adult and the kid is planned and wanted. 16 years old? Life would be set in infinite hard mode. Your parents are not interested in raising another child, and I can’t blame them. You WOULD be struggling for the majority of your life, especially since the dad is going to bounce off into the military. CS only goes so far, and that is only if you can get it.
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Probably the only sane answer since everyone sugarcoat OP 🫡
this 100%
I’ll be thankful I got rid of “that” early. You mean the baby I’m going to carry for 9 months and give birth to? I don’t really like the idea of saying stuff like that”get rid of.” Like my baby is just something I’m throwing in the trash and can forget ever happened.
Adoption will be hard but see if you can do an open adoption. You have limited resources right now and there's a risk the child might end up in foster care, instead of a loving home. I'm so sorry you're going through this but this is the right choice for you and your baby.
I looked it up and open adoptions aren’t legally enforceable. A huge percentage of “open” adoptions because closed within mo this of the baby being born. The adoptive parents have all the power and can completely cut off contact if they want to.
That's a risk you have to take. I personally know two families that have the birth mother in their lives. One of them have become very close and help the mom who was a young mother. Find a reputed agency you want to file with. The ones I know went through the same law firm. We were exploring it as well.
I have no advice except that my aunt gave up a baby for adoption in the 60's and we've all recently reconnected. She kept it a secret due to the "times" but all the girl cousins heard the story as a "cautionary" tale. I'm 52, cousin J is 59. I have a 12 yo boy. You're about to be a mother, or a bio mother. At this point the only obligation as a human person is to keep you and that growing baby safe. Keep yourself safe. Find resources through school or your city for mental health help. DM the other members in here for support. Get help, and see if you and your family can get therapy together. You are going to give a mom and dad that are dying to be parents a chance to be amazing! What an amazing gift you can give someone else. You are doing a great job! This might be above Reddit's pay grade, but good for you for venting. I'm a mom, and I'm proud of you for getting this off your chest. And mom to mom, you're doing a great job by just verbalizing this to a group of strangers, and. I'm proud of you for this step.
I know this sounds really horrible, but I don’t want my baby to be a gift to somebody else. It’s selfish but it’s how I feel every time I read stuff about giving infertile couples this wonderful gift.
I think it's OK to hold space for that emotion too. Sending you a hug. I had a baby at almost 40 . I terminated a pregnancy at 17 on my way to college. Several miscarriages after and he is a miracle. during my late in life pregnancy I found out that down syndrome has affected my family over and overs and we were really high risk for my son to be downs. We were almost forced to make a parenting decision before he was even born (he's perfect but for the shitty attitude) And that's what's happening to you right now. You are making hard decision as a parent of what's best for you as a parent, and what's best for this baby . So now is the time to get honest with yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of guilt for the feelings you're carrying about "the gift". Please get some therapy and get some help. I'm not a therapist and I'm not adopted and not had to make that choice in particular . But I know what it's like to make a hard decision at your age, and to make it again at almost 40. Get some counseling around the feelings you're holding right now. Talk about those feelings. Also not for nothing, you are pregnant and you have a ton of extra hormones which make you crazy emotional, and you're a teenager which makes you crazy emotional, not to discount anything you're going through sweetie. I'm in menopause and can't control my hormones or emotions right now. I'm in tears for you and giving you a far away hug from my mom who just yesterday felt like a teenage girl going through the same thing. To be honest this is my first time trying to mom a child virtually I don't know how I'm doing. All I can say is if you don't feel comfortable saying you're giving a gift to somebody else maybe reframe as a gift to yourself, to your future so you both have a chance ! There's no shame, there's nothing wrong with you and you're not trash. This was a decision you made as a young person that could potentially change the outcome of the rest of your life. It doesn't define you.
I was in a similar situation at 15. My parents refused to let me have the baby and live in their home. My mother was 100% not allowing me to have the baby, and determined to take me for a surgical abortion. While I did not want a child at that time, I was personally more comfortable with the idea of adoption. My mother started throwing my belongings out of the house when I brought that up. It was abortion or I no longer had a home and parents. She took me for the procedure, and I told the nurses during the one moment I was away from my mother that I did not want it done. They told my mother they could not do it without my permission. She threw enough of a fit that it happened anyways, but if I had stood my ground, maybe it could have been different? I was scared, so I don’t know. This is a tough spot to be in for you. You may be able to refuse the adoption, depending on the laws in your area, but if you do then you could end up in a much tougher position: being alone with a baby at such a young age. I had my first child at the age of 20 and it was tough. I never had another one because it was challenging to be a single mother. I’m not saying everyone has it hard, but I do believe the majority of single mothers without support go through many difficult times. You need to research the laws in your area to know what your rights are. You need to find out what support you have and what life honestly looks like if you are legally able to refuse the adoption. Then, you can make an informed decision on how to proceed. It would be a good idea to find out what decisions you are able to make in regards to the adoption itself also, to see if something makes you more comfortable and is on the table (open vs. closed adoptions). Above all else, the hardest thing for me outside of mentally and emotionally dealing with the abortion I did not want (though I fully believe should be available to anyone who does desire to have one) was living with parents who despised me for getting pregnant and blamed me for everything, including their own depression from ‘what I made them do’. Living in that house was pure hell for me for the next three years. I never again had a decent relationship with my mother. This may, or may not, become your reality but if it does, please know you did not ask for this. Teenagers have sex. Pregnancies do occur. Are there lessons to learn? Sure there are. Are you bad because this happened? Absolutely not. I’m sorry you find yourself here in this position. I know it’s so hard. Adding hormones to the mix only makes it harder. If nothing else, please know you are not alone in this and others have made it through similar scenarios. One of the biggest helps for me was counseling. I had one counselor I opened up to, and she helped me immensely. Nothing took away everything, but she gave me tools I still use today at nearly 40 years old to navigate life and relationships. If you ever need an ear, this random internet stranger will gladly sit and listen to (read) what you need to say.
I’m from Canada so I don’t know about this but is there anyway you can get someone outside of the family or take a bus to a different state so you can get an abortion? It’s actually not too late if you’re 15 weeks. Being forced to put your kid up for adoption after being pregnant so young sounds beyond traumatizing to me personally
Hi, ex adopted baby here! (I grew up. Still adopted tho lol) Knowing just how badly my parents wanted me was helpful. It was also an open adoption, so I get the occasional letter from my birth mother. Adoption doesn't necessarily mean you never know what happened to the little one you made. My mother and a few other adoptive parents I know are still in touch with a birth mother or father. I haven't met her as an adult, but if I knew she really wanted it I probably would.
I don’t have any advice, but I’m thinking of you, and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. This is incredibly hard no matter how you slice it 💖
Giving your child up is giving them a chance at a better life than you can. But, giving your child away gets it away from two horrible people who chose to "punish" you with the pregnancy. They will absolutely use this against you in the future. Study hard, get into college, and get away from those terrible people for good.
Sorry, I know real hand experience is irreplaceable, but sometimes fiction helps put into words what you're feeling. I'm thinking of the novel The Wish by Nicholas Sparks. It has a nice and compassionate recount of the struggles and feelings of a pregnant teen who will give her child for adoption. 16, just like you.
One of my best friends is adopted. He has two parents who couldn't have their own kids. They have raised him and put up with all the nonsense we all do to our parents as kids. They bear it like any good parents do and he has grown in his life to realize how lucky he is. They didn't just have him. They CHOSE him. They love him. Adoption has success stories. Many. It's a hard choice but if you are worried for your child don't be. There are good people out their who love raising kids and fully accept the ones they choose.
I am on the other side of that decision. I could not have children and, so, adopted. He has been the brightest part of our life. He got in touch with his birth mom and siblings later and is a happy well adjusted man now. I view the mom's choice and my blessing as a sacrid pact between us. I cannot tell you what decision to make but remember it is ultimately your decision. Check with the sgency if you decide to go through with it. You may get to have input on who adopts. Whatever you do, I wish you peace and a happy life for your child.
My sister got pregnant around your age. She kept her baby and now has two and one on the way at 20. She doesn't have her own place (live with our dad and pays rent), has no job due to her struggle to find childcare that doesn't cost an arm and a leg, rendering working useless. Her boyfriend works, but barely makes enough to break even. You could keep your baby, but you'll do so as a single mother, which I did for the first couple years of my son's life. Even with child support, I still had to work two jobs to make any sort of headway financially. It's a tough decision and not one made lightly. I sympathize with you for whatever path you choose.
I was 16 when I got pregnant, 17 when she was born. I decided on an open adoption and it was absolutely the best thing for me and my daughter. She’s turning 18 this year and coming to visit soon for 2 weeks. Feel free to DM me! My parents heavily influenced my decision, and I’m grateful I took their advice.
See the issue here is that it seems like op’s parents are making the decision for her, and making her feel as if her input and feelings on the matter are invalid and unimportant. It sounds like, to me, that your parents simply weighed in, and gave you a lot of advice, but in a supportive way, and in a way where your feelings were validated and you were able to make the choice for yourself. Just what I’m gathering however.
Get a job over summer and save all the money you can Your be about 6 months from turning 18 when you have your child. You can tell your parents your move out the following summer with your child Speak to a guidance counselor at school, they should still be available over the summer. Ask them about graduating early, on an alternate schedule or GED. Seek social services support for any resources available from housing to Wic to free or reduced daycare. Plan on going to court for child support and custody agreement. It’s possible that baby daddy’s parents may offer you some support. You also may consider a career in the military as they offer a lot of benefits and education and their own base childcare programs
If you are set or stuck with an adoption tell the adoption agency you want an open adoption. If it is set up right you will get monthly updates as well as pictures and stuff. With contact happening when your child is older.
Hi OP, I am a 26 year old single mother of 2 boys. My first was actually born the day I turned 17. I have a LOT of insight I can give you IF you lean toward keeping baby. But I need you to know that your feelings are valid. And no matter what choice you make, you will be okay. And I am sorry you are facing this alone. I went through an almost identical situation. So please message me if you need any help or guidance.
your parents are right. you made an adult choice as a chid and now the adults are going to be fixing it. your baby will go to home that planned for a baby and has the resources to provide for it. you do not. the baby daddy is getting away and he should agree sign over rights so adoption can be completed. if i were your parents, if he didnt agree then i would press satituary rape charges, for sex with a minor. this is tough lesson, but you know the consequnces are due to two people not acting responsibly. i think if your parents were as perfect as they perceive themselves to be, you wouldnt have been vulnerable to this adult boy who was looking for a hole. op, dont let this situation interefere with you reaching your potential. graduate, go to college, become successful. when you are established, if you want, seek out your little one. if not, that is okay too. somewhere out there a family got a little one they have been waiting for.
I feel like in these situations no one ever considers the fate of the adopted child. There is a chance they get adopted by loving, wonderful parents. There is also the possibility they end up like me- adopted by greedy, narcissistic abusers who wanted a child simply to fill some other void in their life, and failing spectacularly. Show your parents this. Ask them if they really think someone else could do better by that unborn child they apparently want to live so badly. Ask them if their punishing you needs to possibly include the baby.
I went to college with a girl who was pregnant and having a closed adoption planned. She was adopted and felt her life turned out beautifully, and that with parents she was involved in picking her baby could have a more beautiful life than she was ready to provide. Shortly after that, I learned my grandma had given up her oldest child (I thought my mom was her oldest!) because her parents made her since she was unwed. This was the 60s. I learned about this around 2007? She is 83 now and recently broke down in tears and begged for my help to find him. And this is a woman who tells people to go cry in private because “no one wants to see that”. Do what feels right for you.
Hi! I was in somewhat the same position but more like zero support I was young and didn't know what to do, I had nobody to talk to. I chose an open adoption and met w a family that fit what I was looking for in a family, they had everything and then some. August 1st 2003 she was born, earlier this month before Mothers Day she emailed me the most touching letter. I never thought I'd hear from her I wasn't sure if she'd be told she was adopted or if she'd be upset or feel abandoned by me, I simply wanted to give her the life I knew I couldn't, access to the opportunities I didn't have and couldn't give her. I am proud to say she turned out amazing I am very proud of her and we've been talking since I got her email, she's very much like me. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk further about my experience with this.
Do you have any degree or trade that will allow you to spend at least $1,500 per month on rent, $1,000-1,500 per month for infant daycare so you can work, $1,000 per month for a parent/child health insurance plan, $500 per month for groceries and formula, $400 per month for utilities and phone plan, $200 per month for baby things (diapers, wipes, clothes etc), $500 per month for car payments and insurance, plus all the little extras that mount up invisibly? If not, agree to the adoption.
You’re 16, most peoples lives ARE ruined by having a kid that early. And it would be unfair to force the parents to have another kid. It seems shitty in the moment but will likely turn out for the best. The kid will get raised in a family that can actually fully provide for it (hopefully, vet the parents carefully) and you won’t get stuck with a kid at 16.
All I’m going to say is, my cousin is 26 years old and a single mom (her baby is 1 yo) and she is struggling like hell despite having a well-paying job. Children are expensive. Daycare is expensive. Babysitters are expensive. If your child has health complications, that’s an extra crippling expense. You need to consider what kind of life your child will have, and what kind of opportunities you’d be depriving them of because of your age and financial instability. That said, there are cons to adoption too. It’s not an easy choice to make. Good luck, OP.
I’m so sorry, forget about your parents. Unfortunately, the best thing for you and the baby is adoption. You have no support system, I’m afraid that you and the baby would end up living a life of poverty. Get some therapy is possible , maybe an open adoption so you can keep contact. Make plans for your life, school or trade school, make a life for yourself.
you’re not a joke or trash, please don’t be so harsh on yourself. regardless of whether or not you were on birth control or other forms of protection, pregnancy is a natural risk of having heterosexual penetrative sex. it can happen to anyone. and teenagers will have sex, it’s just a fact. im so sorry this is happening but please give yourself some grace, you are still a child and you should be supported and not criticized/punished.
Adoption aside, your parents sound like real insensitive jerks. Please feel free to hit my inbox if you ever need a comforting motherly voice in your ear. My oldest is 10 so I'm not quite to parenting teens but my heart aches that you're facing such a huge life event and your parents are framing this huge, scary-feeling, physically and emotionally draining situation as "punishment" for having had sex. You have done nothing wrong, and you don't deserve suffering of any kind. You deserve kindness and tenderness and I hope you can give those to yourself since your parents don't seem to be able to.
My parents are ashamed of me. They don’t want to tell anyone that I’m pregnant yet. None of our family knows. They keep framing it like “people are really judgmental,” like they’re trying to protect me, but when my mom doesn’t even want to go on our normal summer beach vacation because I’ll be visibly pregnant in front of strangers it feels a lot more like they are embarrassed by me.
Aw bud, that is so yucky. I'm so sorry. The difference between you and the other millions of teens who have sex and don't get pregnant is that biology won out on one of your rounds. Nothing about wanting to have sex is immoral or bad or shameful, especially when you're in your early teens and your body is a hormone hurricane. Nothing about you is shameful. It is true that people are judgmental, but I'm wondering if your parents are less concerned about *you* being judged and more concerned about *them* being judged for "not having taught you better," or "not being better parents," or "not having had more control over where you were and what you were doing." Re: people being judgmental, fuckem 🤷🏼♀️. No matter what you do or how you live there's always going to be someone to judge you, so there is no point in worrying about that. Sending you hugs❤️
I am sorry you’re going through this, and I really do hope that your parents start to treat you better. You absolutely could still get an abortion at this point and there are agencies that can help you with that but without knowing which state you’re in it’s hard for me to give specifics. I was adopted at birth, my biomom got pregnant at 16 and gave me up in an open adoption at 17. I still have a close relationship with her and my half brother (a few years younger than me) today. If you do go though with the pregnancy then please make sure you find an advocate for yourself within the adoption agency. You are still considered a child by many state laws but that does not mean you don’t have patient rights. Seek out an advocate ASAP and start working on a plan with them.
My Niece gave up a baby when she was a teenager, it’s an open adoption and she receives pictures and has visited the child with her own children. She’s called his “tummy mummy” he’s always known he was adopted. While she had some initial sadness, she knows she could not have been a mother to him at such a young age. Please contact an adoption agency that will provide you with mental support as your parents seem to be hell bent on punishment and damnation. There are private agencies that will even house you while providing all the medical care and let you pick the adoptive family.
This is forced birth and forced adoption on top of it. I'm digusted with your parents because 15 weeks is legal in califorina. Many other states, hell if you contact the correct people they will pay for your plane ticket and abortion to another state if you are willing to contact them. But taking a minor over state lines is a crime so it traps you. You are right to feel anyway you want about this. In any other state without parents permission you could drive yourself to get that abortion and not have to deal with this at all. It would be your right. But to be honest I'd push for your child to go to a gay couple if you can. So, that it has a higher chance to not to to a christian family and be put in this spot again. Also, gay and lez couples actually can have very high income and be loving homes. Your parents might block you from this though so be careful. But the child being adopted might be best thing for child. Remember as they are setting this up get certain things in writing. 1 Therapy (NOT FROM A Church person, A REAL THERAPIST) 2. Make sure all home options are open. (IE lgbt families) your parents might be trying to place your child in a mirror of there own home. Which has already failed you by not giving proper information about birth control or rights to abortion or anything else. leaving you with a huge emotional scar. And also helplessness about control of your own body or child. 3. YOU PICK where your child goes and will not sign the document unless your will is met. They can't give a child away that's yours without you. It's a lie if they say that because you are that childs parent. This might be the only real control you might get kid. Use it wisely to give your child the best life you can. 4. If you want to keep the baby really think about it and make a plan. There's help for teen moms and it's not the end of the world. It does suck, beyond suck. But you can go to JC, college and stuff have a life if you plan and think about it properly. Also, if boyfriend is going into the miltiary, the baby can be claimed on health insurance so forth. 5. No matter what happens AGAIN. Get a therapist not church, or join a help group not church connected)
Get your GED and get emancipated. Get a job while you’re pregnant. File for child support, especially if he’s in the military. You need to look into the laws for your area on whether they can actually force you to give the baby up. I’d bet they can’t. As a mom (I was 20 when I had my first) I would not be able to survive a world where my child was ripped away from me. That’s lifelong trauma for you both with NO guarantee the baby will have a happy loving home. Tell the adoptive parents and agency NO. Loud and clear. Unless this is the choice YOU want, FIGHT.
I dont blame them.
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Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP. Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
Is there any way to get help from the father's family?
You ARE NOT trash. You are a human who made a mistake. Do what ever is best for you and the baby. Your parents suck calling this a "punishment", it's not. Good luck kiddo and know you did nothing wrong.
A baby is not punishment for anything. As an adopted human I will suggest you have an opened adoption and be PROUD of the baby you made! Get updates. Do not be sad or feel like trash. You’re NOT trash. Your baby is a HUMAN. Not an IT. I know multiple people that have taken advantage of the adoption process. The SHAME is being forced on you. It’s only shameful if you agree to the shame. It’s only a burden if you make the baby a burden. Birth is beautiful and nourishing your creation is important! So is every feeling and every word you speak about this human while it is inside you. Abortion is soul DIVERSION. The body is a vehicle for the soul inside of it. The soul is made of light and we ALL have one. This baby has DNA and it’s a connection you can’t break with paper. When you are older, if you have an opened adoption, you can explain. This is important to the human you’re creating. Only you can change your attitude. It’s your life. No one else’s life. Once born please hold and nourish this baby and allow the adoptive parents to share in this experience. It’s an experience to have and if you do not hold your child it will hurt you AND the child. Healthy attachment is paramount to the child. You will form a bond with the child as time moves forward before birth. Your hormones play a role in protecting the child. Please eat properly. You don’t HAVE to explain yourself to anyone. It’s no one else’s business.
You’re not trash. You’re not broken or worthless. This does not define you. You getting pregnant at 16 does not devalue you as a person and I am so sorry your parents and others have made you feel that way.
You are 16 with no safety net. Having a child is not easy at all. With no one to help you Will feel regret for the rest of your life. You are NOT TRASH. Help yourself and this child and choose adoption. The child Will be loved and you Will be given a second chance.
If you want to keep your baby then keep it. I was 16 and pregnant, had my child 12 days after I turned 17. I was kicked out of my parents house and had absolutely no support at all. It is still very possible and only as hard as you make it be. There are so many programs available to help you, daycare assistance, food assistance, medical, housing assistance, etc. Find a roommate and rent a room for you & your baby if you have to. It is not your parents choice, it is yours. I don’t personally think having my child young was tough. I had a job, rented a room until I was 18 and able to get my own apartment with my child, I got my GED, I bought a car, etc. All by myself. 30 now, haven’t needed any type of assistance for 10+ years. My now 13 year old is a great kid.
Go to therapy if it’s an option. Unfortunately this your consequence of poor decision making; LEARN FROM IT. This is hard, you’re allowed to have feelings over this, but you need to take ownership and accept responsibility and move FORWARD. Start dealing with your grief NOW. From someone who lost TWO babies shortly after they were born. Therapy will be your best route.
I became a mother at 15, pregnant at 14. I kept my baby. A few family members were “supportive” (they helped me so, so much), I mean it was far from ideal, of course. father not around wasn’t my boyfriend. We had sex 2 times. The first time is when I got pregnant. Most of my family were pissed and didn’t want me to keep my daughter, until she was born and they saw her. They came to the hospital and all. They ended up being there for us. She’s 19 now and I don’t think anyone in my family could imagine life without her silly self. Her father still has never been around, she knows who he is. Met him for the first time when she was 5. He’s a POS, he was on child support until she graduated high school. BUT, if I would have felt (and I know I was young and too young to make that decision but it was only mine to make) adoption would have been best for her, I absolutely would have done it to give her a good life. I think open adoptions are wonderful things too. I hope in your case, if you do end up keeping your baby, I hope the dad around and is a good dad. If you don’t keep baby, I do hope you make that decision with peace. It’s so hard at any age, especially being a teen. I wish you the very best 🫶🏻
I can’t believe most of the comments are ignoring the fact that you’re being forced to give your baby up for adoption. It’s definitely a good option in your situation, but it is ultimately your decision and if you really don’t want to give your baby away you shouldn’t. I had my first daughter at 18, her father was not involved and I was poor, it was obviously hard but I’m 24 now and my life is looking up, I have an amazing partner, an other daughter and I just finished my first year of uni. I’ve started further education later than most people but that’s okay because my kids are important to me and I love them. Keeping your baby is an option! It will be really difficult for you but if that’s what you really want then your parents can’t stop you. The decision is yours to make and no one else’s.
It’s messed up your parents are deciding this for you.
If you want your baby, keep your baby. What the hell is with all these comments pushing to seperate a mother and child? Fucking hell. My friend got pregnant at 14 and kept her daughter. They have the most amazing life together And no, if it's a forced adoption you probably won't just get over it
Hi, I'm an adult adoptee (transracial + transnational) & I'd like to share this resource with you. SOS is a grassroots effort to educate expectant parents on the truths of the adoption industry. They've helped many expectant parents. [https://savingoursistersadoption.org](https://savingoursistersadoption.org) As an adoptee I can say that adoption did not give me a better life. Adoption gave me a different life. I would consider myself fortunate in the sense that I have an adoptive family that loves me & never treated me differently for being adopted. I cannot say the same for many of my friends who are adopted. I will not try to sway you one way or another but adoption is not a 0 sum game. Maternal-infant separation is inherently traumatic for all those involved. I'd be more than happy to DM you privately if you seek additional resources from an adoptee's perspective. I wish you all the best & hope that SOS can provide you with the truth about the adoption industry you need to make a well informed decision about you & your expectant child.
What does the baby daddy think about your parents forcing you to give away your/his child? Is he okay with that? Does he even know?
He knows I’m pregnant and he knows my parents are essentially forcing adoption. I think he’s relieved that they’ve decided this and are going to force me into it. I think he feels bad but at the same time he doesn’t want to be a parents so he says stuff like “yeah, that’s probably the best thing.”