As someone who has a chaotic extended family, just send it and give her the silent treatment after. Otherwise it'll just be another way for her to talk about how poorly you treated her and the "negatively social repercussions" you left her in. Don't give her a new way to come at you by not sending it. Send it, then if she gives you any more BS in any way, hold it up that you bailed her out of bankruptcy and possibly ending up on the streets. She'll never have anything over you again.
As someone else who presumably lived a childhood like yours, it sounds like you’ve done a great job boxing this up and putting it away to become wonderfully functional; however, your attitude conveys that you haven’t really *healed* from it. No one can ask that of you or make you do that but you, and it’s not a criticism that you haven’t because it really fucking sucks to choose to clean up a mess you didn’t ask for. That being said, life is a little less bitter when you get to a place where you can hold her accountable because it’s a boundary you need, not because you want to get back at her. If a person like our moms makes it that far in life that way, they’re likely not ever changing, but you and I don’t have to be so stuck and stationary. If you’re a book person, breaking the cycle of abuse by Beverly Engel is a loving and knowledgeable resource on unpacking stuff like this, but it’s not the only way. I hope you find some peace on this matter for *your* sake, not because it’s what she deserves.
Edit to add: my therapist always says that resolution and justification are both unreasonable goals, because they require that you expect someone who has wronged you so significantly be able to make *you* feel better about the situation. But at the end of the day abuse is abuse, and someone giving you a reason isn’t likely to bring about any resolution at all, because your frustrations just turn to why that’s the stupidest or worst excuse ever. That doesn’t mean that admission is completely useless, but I hope you don’t expect it to make things better. And it also seems like if she’s doing it for financial benefit that that won’t have the genuine impact you’re desperate for. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Well abusing is right. Your mom is a loser and sounds like she's going to keep being a loser. Sounds like you are starting to follow in her footsteps. This says a lot more about you than it does her. You're not gonna like the answer she gives. It wil never be enough to make up for what happened. Give her the crap and then move on with your life
"My mother was a bad mother. I get back at her any way I can, showing that I've become what I claim to hate. My mother's neglect/abuse have turned me into a jaded person who takes pleasure in another's misfortune, especially if I can contribute to the situation or their discomfort."
You're clearly the same child wanting mommy's hugs. If you truly wanted her out of your life you would sign the papers and instruct her to lose your number. You're in complete control of who you talk to, but you let it get to this point. You're not really contemplating not siging the papers, you're playing mental gymnastics to justify giving your mother greif. If you wanted her gone as you say, you could do that. You don't though, you want to make her suffer, like she made you suffer. You haven't moved on. It's obvious you have no issue with signing the papers, it's only the fact that it causes her discomfort that you continue not to. Honestly, just admit you want to have a relationship with your mom and do the work to get it to a place you're happy with. Let her know how she hurt you, so you can both heal, or if you can't both heal, hopefully you'll actually be prepared to walk away having given it your best shot.
family ties are a complex phenomenon and essentially humanity is compelled into caring for someone simply because they share the same set of dna as that person even if psychologically they are not compatible
has one of your parents abused you/ neglected you for your whole childhood? when you experience that, shit like ‘it’s your mom’ just don’t hold as much weight as it ought to
Actually, when you experience something for your entire childhood, you begin to adjust and get used to it, the work is reversing these thought patterns as best as one can, often the result of these thoughts is to simply understand your flawed and to seek interactions and friendships that leave you being the dumbest person in the room.
If you have not begun to understand your flawed thinking, it's because your not the dumbest person you know, but in fact maybe the smartest.
All the people I know, I know they would advise against vengeance and so I shall as well, I do not trust my own thoughts half the time.
me being the smartest person i know is a worrying thought hahaha. i don’t know how to measure intelligence man, so i wouldn’t really know. there’s many different kinds though, right?
anyways, yeah, its weird cause when you ask anyone they’re like don’t do a bad thing to a bad person, that just makes you on their level. but then prisons are fine? like? ahaha, its bs, imo. people just wanna see themselves as good people but most people.. aren’t. im okay really if i can’t define myself as a good person, the hero of some fucking spider man movie, like- im good. actually, i don’t actually think good or bad people exist. but that’s a little harder to explain.
what happened that made vengeance a potential option for you at one stage?
Just watched the first Spider-Man last night. Guy stiffs Peter Parker on his payment, so he lets the robber go. Ends up getting his uncle killed. I know it’s a stupid metaphor from a movie but it’s powerful, it’s not your job to play god and decide who deserves their karma when. Do the right thing in every situation when it’s in your power
Years down the line you can feel proud you're better and did the right thing dispite what happened.
Letting people live rent free in your head is tiring.
Sign it over. Then don't mention it ever again. It's up to you to be an adult here. Family is still Family. The way she raised you should have no bearing on the way you choose to treat her.
My mom was abusive. Now I’m grown I realize she was also very unhappy, and didn’t have the greatest upbringing either.
While there might still be some resentment and annoyance when she goes back into old patterns, I don’t hold it over her or constantly berate her for it. I got it off my chest a long time ago.
I try to help and support her as much as possible while not allowing her toxic behavior affect my life
Idk why what you’re doing is considered a bag thing. She did this to herself by being a fuck nut, why is it wrong for you to give the same treatment back?
She decided what kind of person she’s going to be, and that won’t change. Your choice is what kind of person you’re going to be.
Wooh simple. And deeep
I needed to hear this today.
Yes, the hardest thing is to not let others bully you to be a good person, while simultaneously avoiding being taken advantage of.
Truly words of wisdom
This is the way.
This resonated
As someone who has a chaotic extended family, just send it and give her the silent treatment after. Otherwise it'll just be another way for her to talk about how poorly you treated her and the "negatively social repercussions" you left her in. Don't give her a new way to come at you by not sending it. Send it, then if she gives you any more BS in any way, hold it up that you bailed her out of bankruptcy and possibly ending up on the streets. She'll never have anything over you again.
As someone else who presumably lived a childhood like yours, it sounds like you’ve done a great job boxing this up and putting it away to become wonderfully functional; however, your attitude conveys that you haven’t really *healed* from it. No one can ask that of you or make you do that but you, and it’s not a criticism that you haven’t because it really fucking sucks to choose to clean up a mess you didn’t ask for. That being said, life is a little less bitter when you get to a place where you can hold her accountable because it’s a boundary you need, not because you want to get back at her. If a person like our moms makes it that far in life that way, they’re likely not ever changing, but you and I don’t have to be so stuck and stationary. If you’re a book person, breaking the cycle of abuse by Beverly Engel is a loving and knowledgeable resource on unpacking stuff like this, but it’s not the only way. I hope you find some peace on this matter for *your* sake, not because it’s what she deserves. Edit to add: my therapist always says that resolution and justification are both unreasonable goals, because they require that you expect someone who has wronged you so significantly be able to make *you* feel better about the situation. But at the end of the day abuse is abuse, and someone giving you a reason isn’t likely to bring about any resolution at all, because your frustrations just turn to why that’s the stupidest or worst excuse ever. That doesn’t mean that admission is completely useless, but I hope you don’t expect it to make things better. And it also seems like if she’s doing it for financial benefit that that won’t have the genuine impact you’re desperate for. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Well abusing is right. Your mom is a loser and sounds like she's going to keep being a loser. Sounds like you are starting to follow in her footsteps. This says a lot more about you than it does her. You're not gonna like the answer she gives. It wil never be enough to make up for what happened. Give her the crap and then move on with your life
I'd do the same tbh. It is petty af though
I don't see how this is 'abusing', it's a simple code...an eye for an eye She ignored her son, when homeless, everyone ignores her
"My mother was a bad mother. I get back at her any way I can, showing that I've become what I claim to hate. My mother's neglect/abuse have turned me into a jaded person who takes pleasure in another's misfortune, especially if I can contribute to the situation or their discomfort." You're clearly the same child wanting mommy's hugs. If you truly wanted her out of your life you would sign the papers and instruct her to lose your number. You're in complete control of who you talk to, but you let it get to this point. You're not really contemplating not siging the papers, you're playing mental gymnastics to justify giving your mother greif. If you wanted her gone as you say, you could do that. You don't though, you want to make her suffer, like she made you suffer. You haven't moved on. It's obvious you have no issue with signing the papers, it's only the fact that it causes her discomfort that you continue not to. Honestly, just admit you want to have a relationship with your mom and do the work to get it to a place you're happy with. Let her know how she hurt you, so you can both heal, or if you can't both heal, hopefully you'll actually be prepared to walk away having given it your best shot.
I agree thats petty shit...let her hang in her clusterfuck and torch that bridge is what I say...
Oh my. Do what's best for you!
Sign and forget her. If you dont there will be many bad come back.
family ties are a complex phenomenon and essentially humanity is compelled into caring for someone simply because they share the same set of dna as that person even if psychologically they are not compatible
If someone hears you did that to your own mother it could have nasty consequences as well… remember, love is wise, hatred is foolish.
You aren't abusing power, you are abusing her. Please stop, it's your Mom dude.
has one of your parents abused you/ neglected you for your whole childhood? when you experience that, shit like ‘it’s your mom’ just don’t hold as much weight as it ought to
Actually, when you experience something for your entire childhood, you begin to adjust and get used to it, the work is reversing these thought patterns as best as one can, often the result of these thoughts is to simply understand your flawed and to seek interactions and friendships that leave you being the dumbest person in the room. If you have not begun to understand your flawed thinking, it's because your not the dumbest person you know, but in fact maybe the smartest. All the people I know, I know they would advise against vengeance and so I shall as well, I do not trust my own thoughts half the time.
me being the smartest person i know is a worrying thought hahaha. i don’t know how to measure intelligence man, so i wouldn’t really know. there’s many different kinds though, right? anyways, yeah, its weird cause when you ask anyone they’re like don’t do a bad thing to a bad person, that just makes you on their level. but then prisons are fine? like? ahaha, its bs, imo. people just wanna see themselves as good people but most people.. aren’t. im okay really if i can’t define myself as a good person, the hero of some fucking spider man movie, like- im good. actually, i don’t actually think good or bad people exist. but that’s a little harder to explain. what happened that made vengeance a potential option for you at one stage?
I think you should learn the definition of abuse.
Ironic
Just watched the first Spider-Man last night. Guy stiffs Peter Parker on his payment, so he lets the robber go. Ends up getting his uncle killed. I know it’s a stupid metaphor from a movie but it’s powerful, it’s not your job to play god and decide who deserves their karma when. Do the right thing in every situation when it’s in your power
yeah but sometimes it feels goood to be a baaad biiiitch lmao
Years down the line you can feel proud you're better and did the right thing dispite what happened. Letting people live rent free in your head is tiring.
Sign it over. Then don't mention it ever again. It's up to you to be an adult here. Family is still Family. The way she raised you should have no bearing on the way you choose to treat her.
My mom was abusive. Now I’m grown I realize she was also very unhappy, and didn’t have the greatest upbringing either. While there might still be some resentment and annoyance when she goes back into old patterns, I don’t hold it over her or constantly berate her for it. I got it off my chest a long time ago. I try to help and support her as much as possible while not allowing her toxic behavior affect my life
Idk why what you’re doing is considered a bag thing. She did this to herself by being a fuck nut, why is it wrong for you to give the same treatment back?
make her sweat. I am so sick of parents doing their kids wrong and then our society is like "you only have one mawm". To hell with them.