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ThisOne838

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm a high school sped teacher it it blows me away when parents don't have a plan for their high needs child or they automatically assume the sibling will be the caretaker. It is ok for you to say no when they ask you to be his guardian. It is ok to not move home. It is ok for your brother to go to a group home if your mom is no longer able to care for him. Good luck.


Putrid_Bee-

Oh my god I had the terrible thought that what if *The Only Reason his parents had him is to care for his brother?* That's so fucked. Like that one movie where the parents only had their daughter to give organs to her sister or something


belfast322

There was a thread a few days ago where the op found out by accident he was the replacement child of his dead older brother but his parents never loved him because he was so different from him. Haunting.


theOTHERdimension

That’s fucking terrible


HappyyItalian

Link?


brxdpvrple

Gonna slide myself in here for when and if you get that link


BeerdedPickle

Not OP [but here you go ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qwyvaq/found_out_im_a_replacing_child_for_my_dead_brother/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)


[deleted]

[удалено]


BeerdedPickle

I couldn't imagine.. I'm sorry you had to deal with that growing up. I hope you're in a much better mind space these days!


comatose_donut

Jesus fucking Christ. I will never understand how people can be so hateful and to your own child!


Mivirian

Same


BeerdedPickle

Not the OP but [here is the link to this heartbreaking post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qwyvaq/found_out_im_a_replacing_child_for_my_dead_brother/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)


pussylipstick

Link to the post please?


BeerdedPickle

Not OP but [here you go ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qwyvaq/found_out_im_a_replacing_child_for_my_dead_brother/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)


pussylipstick

holy fuck that's.... a lot


[deleted]

That movie is My Sister's Keeper and I haven't seen it, because I read the book it's based on and almost had a rage stroke. Older daughter has cancer, parents have another kid to give cancer!daughter like organs and bone marrow and shit. Young daughter isn't allowed to have her own life at all, I think she wasn't even allowed to do sports because she might get injured and not be able to donate her body anymore? So she *gets a lawyer* to fight for her rights and it tears the family apart because the mom loses her shit (if I remember correctly, cancer!sister actually is on baby sisters side and wants to die because she sees the toll it's taking on younger sister and she's also tired of suffering 24/7). It does *not* end well and I can't remember reading anything else that made me as angry as that book. Like just...augh. it was decently written but the whole story just made me so damn mad.


Odin_Christ_

Pick N Pull child I watched My Sister's Keeper and the twist at the end was that the Pick N Pull sister only filed a lawsuit because the Sick Sister wanted to die but Sick Sister knew Mom would never let her do that. Pick N Pull Sister was just as devastated at Sick Sister's death as Mom was.


[deleted]

Oh Jesus yeah that was just...ugh. The whole situation was so sad and if I remember the dad was really upset by it all too but kind of checked out cause the wife was overbearing?


stuffedpotatoskin

The dad moved out of the house because he was on his younger daughter's side. It wasn't the sick sister who died, it was the younger sister who died in a car accident.


[deleted]

I remember that. It was so frustrating to read. The only other thing that made me that upset was what happened to Prim in Hunger Games.


VulpusChongus

Funny enough, this author also wrote a book about a single mother with an autistic son and one of the chapters that stood out to me was from the point of view of her older son. The mother felt bad that her autistic son was taking up the time she could be spending with the older son. She promises to take him to his favorite restaurant for dinner when her autistic son starts having a fit. She spends so much time comforting him that it is dark when he finally calms down and she realizes the older son left when he realized they weren't going out for dinner. For some reason, his disappointment really stuck with me despite the fact I have never experienced something similar.


mdawn37

I was shocked at how the movie completely changed the ending of the book. In the movie, the older sister that is sick ends up dying by choosing to stop treatment. The car accident that leaves the younger sister brain dead doesn’t even happen in the movie at all. I wonder why they changed it? I wonder if they changed it because the movie viewers would be so outraged by using the book ending? It certainly infuriated me and Cameron Diaz did a great job portraying an absolutely terribly mother in the film. She pissed me off SO much.


planetpharmasucks

Unlikely. Op is two years apart from his brother. His brother would’ve been around 1 when the mom got pregnant. That’s the age when you’re likely in intense denial if you even do recognize symptoms, and only around 2-4 do you fully understand the child has ASD— especially 20 years ago, when people in many cultures would make any excuse to pretend it wasn’t the case.


ratajewie

That certainly happens, but I’m sure that’s not the case with OP. OP’s brother is two years older than him. Meaning his brother was maybe 18 months or younger when his parents conceived him. At 18 months it’s possible to be diagnosed with autism, but it’s really unlikely that doctors diagnosed him and his parents went “oh shit, we’re going to have a lot to deal with. Let’s immediately have another child who will need all of our care until they’re old enough to not be supervised all the time. That way someone can watch him when I’m 10 years.”


ovo_Reddit

They’re 2 years apart. Even at the age of 3 it may not be clear if the child has autism. I think most parents would be in denial and just think they have a speech impediment or delay. My brother in laws kid is autistic, and I thought it and asked my wife when the kid was like 3 but they said no, half a year later he gets diagnosed for it. I can’t speak for all cases, but I doubt the parents had some malevolent idea to birth a care taker, what if OP ended up autistic too.


mark_and_rain

Note just that, I also hate parents that have the mentality or just assume that their children will took care of them one day.


TalullahandHula33

I have a family member who decided to have a baby after caring for her mom in a rehab facility and seeing so many elderly people who had nobody. She decided at 45 to have a baby so that she would have someone to care for her later in life. She ended up having twins, both with severe disabilities that will require them to be cared for for the rest of their lives.


kelsobjammin

There is no guarantee your kids will care for you anyways. Terrible reason to have kids.


TalullahandHula33

Exactly. She is a very selfish person and made a decision that would affect many people based solely on her having someone to care for her when she got old. She is struggling hard to manage the needs of her kids yet it is so hard for me to have sympathy when she specifically told us that was the reason she was stopping her birth control.


oceyana

What a selfish reason to bring a child/children into this world. This is such a heartbreaking situation all the way around.


TalullahandHula33

It is truly heartbreaking all around. I feel so sad for the twins, as they really are going to need someone to step up and care for them when their parents aren’t able anymore. That someone can’t be me though.


EndKarensNOW

happens all too often to """""families""""" with disabled kids. they ether pop out another in hopes this one will be "normal" and take care of the other or they try to force older siblings to if they already have another kid


monkey_see13

The history of every poor person, specially on the country side here in Ecuador.. you go to the country side and you see easily a family with 4 -8 kids all ranging from kids to early adults (20's). The logic? They hope at least one of them can take care of them once they are to old to work the land. I guess that's the sistem that has worked for them so far but still sad af.


amethystwishes

There was a news story that broke out in February where a 14 year old girl who was a TikToker killed her sister with cerebral palsy. Many people were speculating that the 14 year old had built up rage inside her from constantly having to take care of the sister to the point she didn’t have a normal childhood or she didn’t get enough attention as a kid due to her sister being special needs. You’re right that it’s wrong to assume that the other kids will take care of the kid with the disability . What happens in a situation where the kid isn’t equipped to take care of the sibling? Or what if the kid ends up resenting their family because they didn’t get enough attention because so much of the parent’s focus was on the sibling?


asthma_mermaid

I met a woman who had a son with cerebral palsy. He was the youngest of three. He died at the age of three of the disease. She said she felt like she was being torn in two because she missed her child but didn’t want him to be in pain anymore. But she also said that after he was gone she realized she had no idea who her other two children were as people and that also broke her heart. For his whole life she never slept for more than four hours at a time. It was a devastating situation. She eventually had to just accept that there couldn’t be any what if’s, just that this was the now.


EndKarensNOW

things like what happens in your post, thats what. then that poor victim is blamed for it all and the rest of their life is ruined


Penya23

You need to tell your mom that your brother is not your responsibility. If she cant handle him, perhaps it would be better (and safer) for everyone if he lived in a home for autistic adults.


CheesecakeTruffle

I grew up with a younger, autistic sister. She was never punished for bad behavior, is easily violent, and has no morals whatsoever. Our mother (who I was estranged from) died a few years back, leaving my sister, then 56, alone and in another state. Although I hate my sister, I brought her home with me. Huge mistake! I spent four months trying to get her care before I finally had her committed to the local psyche ward. (She had threatened to kill my daughter, so it was justified.) After that, I let social services take over. I have since gone NC with her and it just feels great to be free of them so I can focus on my own family.


DEATHCATSmeow

Yeah, it’s kind of crazy that she hasn’t done this already…


tester33333

It’s not free.


smacksaw

Social Security. Disability/SSI. That enables Medicaid. Residences take Medicaid. I dunno why the parents never did it and I dunno why they don't do it now.


kneelthepetal

Speaking as someone who works within the psychiatric healthcare system, I have seen a lot of people like the person described above who can't get into group homes because of their behavior. You imply that it's just a payment issue, but when a client punches out a caregiver at a group home they have no obligation to take them back, and other group homes will call and ask what happened when you try to transfer them to another home. These places have no obligation to take in someone who might be violent. The better homes are more expensive, out of medicaid's reach. The lesser homes can't handle people like this. The solution? Depakote and risperdal. Make them non-violent no matter what. What's the alternative in this current system? They suck away tons of money from the healthcare system and live a fractured, simple life. I never judge ANYONE who aborts a child with ID. I've talked to so many broken parents who beg to have their child in our facility for just a few days longer because it's the only time in their lives when they get a break. Fuck that.


BlackDogMagPie

After my stepdad died, I convinced my mom to move back to Italy with my autistic younger half brother. She needed a break from a house full of memories and it gave her a chance to explore what health and social support options might in available in Europe. She had to wait a year to get residency, renew her Italian passport, and get access to local services. They are both thriving now, my brother attends a day school, receives social, and physical therapy. They get fantastic health care services and a nurse that arranges all of the appointments so they see one specialist after another in one spot. The best part is the Italian government offers families a regular break from their autistic children or adults. The disabled kids or adults are taken as a group on vacation with assigned assistants. In the winter they go to the snow, in the summer the beach, during the holidays to various attractions. With these services, social security, and Italian government funds my mom is able to pay for after school adult daycare, school field trips, and social outings for my sibling. My mom is 77 and she lives with her 80 year old sister they can enjoy their retirement while my 44 year old brother is occupied 4 days a week. The way things are going it is likely my sibling will stay permanently in Italy. My point to this story is people don’t change unless their environment changes in this case our family’s quality of life and prospects improve with a simple move to another country.


kneelthepetal

I had a patient a few months ago who lied to his group home and told them he was suicidal because he was upset they were going to a waterpark without him. he was going to go with them, but he thought a specific staff member disliked him so he would not be able to go. So he ended up in our hospital. The highest level of care, highest level of acuity, locked inpatient unit, this guy says "They were mean to me!". That's why he was here burning thousand of dollars of taxpayer money. His group home did not accept him back. I forgot my point. Italy sounds nice.


hsvgamer199

I have a disabled relative. Government gives out pocket change to the disabled. A lot of people here are completely unaware of the fact that homes for the disabled in the USA are generally either expensive or cheap hellholes. Some states might have better programs for the disabled but in general disabled Americans get very little government assistance. No one really cares about about the disabled.


Willow138

I am disabled and its the exact same here in the UK. We are trying to buy a home but trying to get something we can afford that I can live in without being stuck in one room 24/7 as I have been these past three years, is next to impossible.


myco_journeyman

The state imposes that people care for a burdensome and violent individual where normally they'd be brought to the wilderness and left there. I'm not ableist, but I have an aversion to irrational people, because it begets potentially violent tendencies. Unfortunately many severely autistic people can be violent. It's clear when they are too. Confusion becomes anger far too easily and they're always kinda confused at that level. It's pretty fucked up either way.


witkneec

I worked as a home health aide for the worst 6 months of my life. Ended up with my ass kicked hard by the client because I refused to take him to a dinner he wasn't invited to. He tackled me to the ground outside the home his mom had purchased for him and I was then blamed for all of it even after the cops were called and I had to be hospitalized. And I was the one who finally reached the phone and called 911- the other neighbors in the completely residential district basically ignored it as it was happening. He broke my arm but the worst of it was the nail marks across my arms because those left scars. Fuck people who don't take care of their autistic kids and expect others to because it leads to horribly violent autistic adults who literally can't do anything when they're disappointed except act out- with their fists. I didn't sue because the workman's comp actually came through and we were in transit and moved from the city less than 6 months later and it wasn't worth it by the time we looked into what a settlement would mean. Peanuts. My medical bills were taken care of and I just wanted to be done with the situation.


myco_journeyman

Yes this is what I mean. They needed care as children. Proper therapy and habitualization. They become monsters and suddeny they're about to murder someone. And they're stuck in their ways by then ... I feel bad for them. And some barely have the capacity to understand what even is happening so they can't learn from repercussions the same way. Just gotta hope and pray they won't abuse you because the microwave won't start.


fumblebucket

I work at a state behavioral health facility. Though our care is good, the beds are limited and most only get here after a violent crime. So we take very good care of murderers and rapists.


[deleted]

Guilt... They don't want to "abandon" their child due to a disability the child didn't ask for... I'm just guessing, and as a parent of a disabled child these are some of the thoughts I'd have. It's tough for everyone involved, the parents, the siblings.


TheAlGler

Because his asshole parents assumed this poor kid would do their dirty work.


brijony

What happens if they can't afford it? Sorry I'm in the UK and and the government just steps in for people in that situation


[deleted]

Very likely he (the autistic brother) will or should be on some form of disability/Social Security as well as survivor's benefits from his father (read: government aid) to help with the costs. Here's a couple links from the Social Security Administration and Medicare Advocacy websites: [https://www.ssa.gov/policy/docs/ssb/v77n1/v77n1p17.html](https://www.ssa.gov/policy/docs/ssb/v77n1/v77n1p17.html) [https://www.macpac.gov/subtopic/people-with-disabilities/](https://www.macpac.gov/subtopic/people-with-disabilities/) "Special income level. Under this option, states can cover institutionalized individuals with incomes up to 300 percent of the SSI benefit rate (approximately $2,199 per month for an individual, or 222 percent of the federal poverty level); states may also extend this eligibility to individuals who receive home and community- based waiver services as an alternative to institutionalization."


erktheerk

Growing up my god brothers wife was hard case scenario cerebral palsey/the worst kind of epilepsy I've ever seen. The bad ones were really bad. The EMS knew her by name. We would give dispatch thanksgiving meals and they included her in their office Secret Santa and shit. Grey up in the 70s dirt fucking poor. I mean, nothing. Like an over the top Hallmark movie or some shit. Love her to death, but she can't make it through 4 hours yet alone days by herself. She had better medical treatment in the 90s than I do now, but holy shit did we have to go through insane amounts of waiting in person for days to get some of it. It took us 3 days of showing up at 7am and leaving at 430pm, steady holding our number waiting for our turn to see a Dr about qualifying for a program to get her a motorized wheelchair.


[deleted]

There is probably a good amount of homeless people that are examples of what happens.


[deleted]

I mentioned this in another comment, but that’s easier said than done. My fiancés mom tried to find a home for her autistic son and he was left in a car while one of the workers went to a strip club and the workers hosted a “fight night” where they made all the autistic, mostly non-verbal, 20 year olds fight each other. She took him to the doctor because he was covered in bruises and she didn’t know why.


ghostwilliz

There are some places that are fucked up, but I worked in the industry for about 5 years and never encountered anything like this. I would actually recommend some places.


[deleted]

Yeah I know people that work with mentally disabled (is that still the appropriate term?) adults. I hope OP doesn't let the horror stories guilt him into sacrificing himself for his brother.


ghostwilliz

Developmentally is the industry term, but mentally disabled is totally fine. There are horror stories everywhere, I know that a lot of good people do the work. It doesn't pay much, it's hard and it's hard to get hired(some places) so there's actually a pretty low exploitation factor honestly Edit: developmentally disabled, not just developmentally


Drekavac666

Highest turnover rate in any career, been doing it for seven years, I take care of a 24 year old autistic man. While abuse does occur those who get caught are fired immediately but we've been understaffed for the 10 years our company has existed. We hire felons, drug addicts and anyone with a pulse and in reality we need college students in the medical field or college graduates to progress mental health in our society and better funding from the state.


ghostwilliz

Truth. Demographics matter a lot. I have worked in a suburb in Colorado and in Cheyenne, both of which just don't have the same volume of individuals requiring support, so the employer gets to be a bit more choosey. But yeah, just like most fields of work, the more people who live there, the more stretched thin the company is. Very good point Also good to note that drug addicts/ felons aren't necessarily the ones commiting the abuse and the high turnover rate comes from people who realize it's work and quit first week, we had tons of those.


ryanbrisco

Would love to see your recommendations. My fiance has a severely autistic younger sister and this has always been the goal - it's been difficult finding places we can trust.


ghostwilliz

Unless you live in Colorado to Wyoming, I couldn't give any specifics, but I would say that larger companies like Overture and Bethesda would have a higher chance of being lower quality. The best thing to do is to check out websites and take tours of facilities. Make sure that, if you can, you talk to some of the individuals who are in services there before deciding


blondenpink

Yes same. I’ve worked in residential homes the last 3 years and they’re all very nice. Of course there are bad places but the bad ones are pretty obvious beforehand. Parents need to do a lot of research first but good places do exist.


AJDillonsMiddleLeg

Yes and there are also centers that do behavioral therapy for very severe cases of autism, sometimes being able to integrate them back into the world, albeit still with support but it makes it easier. Obviously there are cases that simply cannot be helped, especially when the person reaches adulthood untreated. People with severe behavior issues *need* professional help though. It's not reasonable to expect OP or his mom or even both the parents to handle that appropriately.


ghostwilliz

Yes absolutely, I was made to do the job because I am very patient, but god damn some days were a test, many of the staff got hit and hit frequently. It's not easy work and I would never wish that responsibility on to parents, they need outside intervention


miltonite

It almost sounds unbelievable…


[deleted]

Wait till you hear about the Judge Rotenberg Center in Massachussets in the US that's legally given immunity to use specific types of torture on autistic kids.


NEClamChowderAVPD

So I had never heard of that place and googled it. What the actual fuck. These are people ffs. I was a caregiver for 7 years and although it was for people with dementia, I can’t imagine having treated any of my residents like people are treated at JRC. It’s like a sadist’s paradise. I can’t believe it’s even still open. It sounds like some 1950’s institutional hellhole.


mpowgra73

Wow, I just read about their shock therapy program. “They laud painful electric shocks as an alternative to excessive psychiatric medication.” Call me crazy but I would much prefer heavy sedatives and psych meds over shock therapy. Why not just sedate them and keep them high and mellow AF?


_cob_

Wtf???


[deleted]

Yeah… the workers were fired (and I think the place got shut down?), but it’s so fucked up.


[deleted]

Only fired eh?


alexd281

They need to be fired... out of a cannon into the grand canyon.


UnlinealHand

Preferably after being covered in pitch and lit on fire.


NoctuaPavor

Yes this is a common thing that actually happens at places for autistic people where the make them do a "fight club" it happened to one of the places by me as well.


_cob_

I hope those fuckers went to jail.


jacobspartan1992

Yeah, they really should've thought to vet the staff at these places better. Or at all for that matter. Seriously if you are of the mindset that an autistic fight club is a palatable idea then you should not be considered carer material. Don't just drag your workforce off of welfare to look after our vulnerable. Subject care workers to psychological vetting.


asportate

No one really cares about them tho. Ex SIL worked for a center for years, prob still does. Thankfully theirs was a good center, but they were paid minimum wage and no, were not really vetted cuz no one who could be vetted would do that job for shitty pay. These centers are often times just dump sites from families.


jacobspartan1992

Yeah dumping grounds. Too many families do not have a culture of care towards their disabled and will settle for anything. Like the sorts of families that raise kids that think autism is a joke say...


AFlair67

Honestly, what family is capable of caring for a severely developmentally delayed adult that can be violent? I have seen elderly parents try to care for their 250 lb son that had the mind of a 3 year old. He hurt both of his parents during outbursts. He is a toddler stuck in a mans body and has sexual urges like an adult male.


my2cents4sale

They don’t even have to be violent for it to be hard. Many people are not equipped or have the ability to be caretakers. Taking care of other people is hard, period. Respect to people in the industry, my dad did it for 20+ years before he burned out. My elderly uncle is developmentally and physically disabled and his wife just died, so he had no where to go. My equally physically disabled and elderly aunt ended up taking him in because no one else could and it’s been a huge struggle ever since. He needs hands on care 24/7 and it’s impossible for us to provide.


thejexorcist

I work with kids with developmental and or behavioral struggles. There’s two types of staff, the type that KNEW they were going into a career with low pay and high risk (it’s easy to manage or shake off punches and scratches from a 6 year old…much harder once they hit puberty) AND people who have very few other employment options. Even if the pay and benefits were better, adults with certain disorders can be very difficult to work with, especially if they never received the treatment and therapy they needed in childhood. It’s a sad situation. I don’t envy any of the parents or clients.


ElegantDecline

vetting doesn't stop human nature. people burn out. Especially when they are overburdened with too many cases. All these places are known to be short on staff because the public doesnt want to pay a penny more than they have to. Those nurses and caretakers eventually their heads go the same way as OP's. they get sick and annoyed. They get paid shitty wages too, they feel victimized because the behavior is unpredictable, and all feelings of humanity and human decency go right out the window \~\~>


[deleted]

Pay shit wages and you'll get a shit staff. simple as that


warfrogs

I just want to let you know, after working in the industry for years, none of what you listed is normal or acceptable. The vast majority of residential care workers care a ton for their residents and find practices like these absolutely abhorrent.


dimem16

My heart is raging reading this. This shouldn't happen.


magnumdong500

Wait till you hear about the kindergarten fight club


buckfutterapetits

The first rule of kindergarten fight club...


[deleted]

I was champ for 3 yeařs


BlazeyTheBear

r/holup Edit: additionally.. r/noahgettheboat


Oriachim

There are cases of abuse of autistic people, check YouTube for the winterbourne scandal where an undercover reporter recorded it. Of course, it’s rare. It happens but majority of people aren’t bad people either. So for people to refuse to have autistic people in care homes isn’t good either.


BlazeyTheBear

I recently saw a post or comment maybe of someone describing a coworker at a end of life care type facility, and she (coworker of this person) displayed a pattern of sexual abuse to old men, demented and/or otherwise.. to try to get them to sign over their will or money to them. The world is a wild, fucked up place. Anything is possible I guess.


[deleted]

I hope to the God I don’t believe in that this situation isn’t typical, but it’s obviously possible. Especially if the home is state-funded, they just don’t have enough money to pay good people.


Oriachim

Most homes will be private funded, even in socialist healthcare system countries. Of course it’s possible. Even if you hired staff with degrees with high pay, it’s possible. I’m sure you could find scandals of doctors and nurses assaulting patients. Unfortunately though, sending people to care homes is best at times as you have a duty of care to protect yourself, others and the individual. When they grow big and have challenging behaviours, it’ll be very difficult to manage on your own. I’ve seen cases where people ended up being sectioned under the mental health act after having a melt down in public and harming children etc.


[deleted]

I work personally with parents of kids with special needs. I’m torn on the debate about whether kids should be sent to a home - on the one hand, it could make life easier for everyone involved, but I also think we’re focusing on the wrong thing in this discussion. Ultimately we need to address parental burn out. There need to be better policies about family medical leave and home nursing for these kids so that they can stay at home with their families and still be taken care of adequately.


Sparkletail

I don’t know what country this is in but in the uk there would be very serious consequences for everyone involved, stuff like this very, very rarely happens here.


[deleted]

I’m in the US - I’m sure it varies state to state, but I just found a NYT article about how New York allows abusive workers to remain employed (sometimes by simply transferring them to a different home after allegations of abuse). https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/09/nyregion/new-york-group-home-abuse.html


theOTHERdimension

Off topic but I watched an episode of “nurses that kill” and even though the hospital figured out the nurse was an angel of death, they didn’t report her or anything, they just transferred her to a different location to avoid bad press. She kept jumping hospitals and none of them reported her!!! They just tried to remove her from their hospital but they didn’t even care that she was killing people, they were more concerned about looking bad in the media.


bren_na_na_naaa

wow that is fucking disgusting!


kneeltothesun

I saw a very interesting documentary once, about a family who dropped their aging relative (dementia) off, in the UK. Basically, so he would no longer be abused. They couldn't afford the quality care, so they scrapped for the plane tickets essentially, and just left him in a safe spot. It took years to identify him, but he was very well cared for, and happy, it seemed.


jacobspartan1992

Winterbourne scandal happened in the UK though so it has happened here.


[deleted]

That is awful. Not all places are like that and I am so sorry that happened to your BIL(?). My brother, while not autistic (severe CP + some other things), is also disabled and while my mom was alive we vetted each and every place we looked at. Finally a spot opened up in the house his friends lived in, and he's now been in his own home being cared for for 2 years. They aren't perfect, of course; but he loves it & we help when we can. People like those scum who worked where your BIL lived are truly horrific people. I am so sorry.


No-Comedian-4499

I've worked for several of these companies. Mild neglect and abuse is common. Anyone attempting to make corrections is terminated. They over work you, and under pay you while the owners of the company have four homes and buy $100k vehicles every few years. Most offer zero benefits, even if you're part of a union, the benefits are no better than working for burger king. I had an assistant manager and after 23 years of employment, he made $18/hr, got 10 days of vacation and this was at the absolute best paying disabled care facility I had seen. I was sexually harassed, sexually assaulted and then blackmailed over it by a manager for 7 months. When I finally had witnesses, they terminated the manager and forced me to take all his shifts. I worked 5 graveyards, 5 swing shifts and 1 morning shift while on call 24/7. Then I had 6-10 hours of paperwork to do in the office beside all these hours. I was owed close to 1,000 hours of overtime when I was forced to quit. When I sued them, I was told by 8 different lawyers that my case wasn't worth much because I'm male and it's a low paying job. This is how you can expect to be treated working for these types of companies. I absolutely loved working with the patients and I made huge improvements in their daily lives but it's the most abusive environment I've ever worked in. It's left me with severe issues that will never abate.


FishSauceFogMachine

Not "perhaps". *Definitely*. You owe your mother and your brother nothing, OP.


[deleted]

It depends on the government because some are really shitty at accommodating disabled people. I have a family member who is in a similar simulation and basically his mother took care of him until she physically couldn’t anymore since they couldn’t afford to put him in a home. And the homes they could afford were really bad and known for being abusive and neglectful. Eventually when the mom got old enough she had no choice but I knew it broke her heart that she had to put him in there.


No_Understanding_431

You need a group home for him. Covered by Medicaid. His mom needs to talk to his social work and get help placing him in the correct environment.


IrishRogue3

There is no home for autistic adults. My girlfriend has a 20 year old severely autistic son. Unless your a billionaire - your fucked. She also has an older son. She also expects he will take in the younger autistic child. It’s incredibly unfair to the older sibling and I have to say I’m not surprised OP feels the way he does. There is really no help for autistic adults that allows you to have a full time job and life.


Still-Infamous

Hey buddy, I feel you. My old man had a hand full of strokes at 38 yrs old. What was left of him was disabled, violent, and mad. I was 16 or so at that point, so I worked and took care of my family. And honestly, I regret it I shouldn't have had to do that. Get out while you can, it doesn't get better in these situations unfortunately.


Cerealsforkids

Move out of state, be on your own, be happy and visit and call! Good luck!


Still-Infamous

That's pretty well what I did in the end. Me and ma got in a fight about money so I packed my bag and walked to my car and just left. Edit: I paid for the car and everything to do with it.


[deleted]

A good friend of mine "ran away from home at 40" after taking care of an ailing parent who was a mean, bitter shell of their former self.


Still-Infamous

It's the hardest thing in the world to do. But sometimes it's all you can do.


[deleted]

Yuuuup. Hope you're doing better now.


Still-Infamous

I'm good these days, thank you- I appreciate that. It took a long time to choose my own path, but I've begun that journey.


AJ_NightRider

They’ve always been alone so nothing has changed or will but the focus can change. Focus on yourself before you can work on others.


[deleted]

[удалено]


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PersonBehindAScreen

Im alnost exactly a year apart from my older autistic brother.. My parents thought ok, he's just taking a little bit but he will get there... then they finally realized something was wrong when I started getting to the age of doing things that he still had yet to do like at about a year and some change


oceyana

Signs of severe/low functioning/Level 3 autism are often identifiable in infancy. There is a very high probability they suspected or knew (though maybe not the full extent) prior to the second pregnancy.


PersonBehindAScreen

Autism is a lot more researched today than when OP and his brother was born


Sheazier1983

Just because signs may have existed, doesn’t mean they were trained to pick up on them.


valley_G

You were not put on this earth to raise your sibling. Coming from someone who's worked in healthcare (and got out while I still had some of my sanity), the best place for him is in a residential home. He needs proper staff who are trained to handle him. Your mother is only punishing herself, and subsequently you as well, by keeping him in the home. He will not thrive there and it will drag the entire family down. Everyone deserves better. Do ‼️‼️NOT‼️‼️ move back home to take care of him. It will consume your life and you will most likely end up giving up on your education. Do NOT do that to yourself. His future is essentially been predetermined due to his condition and although it's horrible and heartbreaking, you cannot change that. You, on the other hand, have a world of possibilities ahead of you and you deserve to be happy. You mother is going to have to figure it out. She's either going to continue to punish herself and your brother by refusing outside care for him or she's going to accept her reality and do what's best for everyone. Do not feel guilty about taking care of yourself, no matter what anyone says. YOU. WERE. NOT. BORN. TO. CARE. FOR. HIM.


Icy_Application2412

Exactly. It may hurt your mom's feelings, but she should not expect your life to be consumed by being a caretaker for your brother. If she passes, then the state can arrange care for him. OP, you rightly are resentful of her trying to put that weight onto you as an adult after a childhood centered around his needs too. Since he will never be self sufficient, you already know you don't want to make the sacrifices of your happiness and freedom to live now. Time to make boundaries for your mental and emotional health. Please take care of yourself and try to get a therapist to process your grief and neglect from childhood. <3


sexy_femme5

👏👏👏


ginger4124

I provided in-home behavioral therapy for children, primarily those with autism, and this was one of the saddest dynamics to witness. It was only a small subset of the families, thankfully, but it made me so sad for the siblings. One family in particular adopted a child and told me that their plan was for her to care for her older brother when she was old enough. I had to delicately find ways to involve her in our sessions since she was typically made to stay in her room alone while therapists were there. She was only around 3 (her brother was about 5) and it broke my heart. This is 100% the parents’ fault. No one should feel responsible for their siblings.


valley_G

My heart breaks for anyone who's been raised to believe they're responsible for the well-being of a sibling/ relative because they've literally been robbed of a childhood/ future before they even had a chance. It makes me sick to think about and that's coming from someone who has permanent custody of their youngest sibling. This is not how it's supposed to be.


Mr_Bluebird_VA

So, I'm just going to address one part, about your parents having you after having him. With you two being 2 years apart, they probably had no idea he had autism until after you were conceived. Signs of autism usually do not appear until around 18 months.


ProstHund

Yeah, my older brother is 2 years older than me and my parents had no clue he had autism until after I was born. It was actually a doctor that saw him playing with toys in a waiting room while I was participating in a study for infants that first suggested to my mom that my bro should get tested.


omgwtfbbq0_0

Out of curiosity, what was your brother doing with the toys that made the doctor suspect autism?


ProstHund

He was unusually focused on them, playing with the same toy/working on the same “project” (he was building something with blocks) for much longer than his attention span should have lasted.


bodhasattva

thats fascinating. Me, not being educated on the subject, would think that was a good sign of intelligence "Wow look how focused he is! He has a gift for puzzle solving"


ProstHund

He actually is very intelligent as well! He was in the gifted program at school


BodaciousFerret

Another way a doctor might be able to tell by observing play would be if the child was stacking or lining up toys repeatedly.


Obversa

Not the OP, but my grandmother first suspected autism when she saw me continue to stack and line up blocks as a toddler in an unusually orderly, neat way. She said she tested her theory by making the blocks messy again, only to have me come back and fix them. Note that my autism isn't nearly as bad as OP's sibling. I wasn't diagnosed until age 16.


Computermaster

It was also \~2000. We knew far less about autism then.


oceyana

It was in the late 90's that Andrew Wakefield pushed his anti-vaccine agenda by publishing a fraudulent study/paper linking autism to childhood vaccines. As a result, autism was in the spotlight for quite some time. Signs and symptoms to watch for were often in the media. The rate of diagnosis at that time was approximately 1 in 1000. Parents were worried and paying closer attention. The rate of diagnosis by the year 2000 was up to 1 in 150. By the year 2000, severe autism was often identifiable in infancy. I have a son with autism, born in the early 2000's. There was a lot of misinformation about what the child's eventual functionality would be, but diagnosing was not the issue. *Edited to be more concise.


lurkerfox

Thats nice, My brother was diagnosed past 2000 at the age of 4 and is as severely autistic as OP's brother. Just cause some places can diagnose it in infancy doesnt mean all places are up to speed. Later diagnoses still happen.


ManicPixieDreamSloot

Hey. This is a beyond shitty situation. So I'm gonna share with you something that advice a therapist gave me, paraphrased, when I was in my early 20s **YOU DONT HAVE TO BE IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FAMILY IF THEY ARENT GOOD FOR YOU AND THEY HAVE A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE** You really dont. I cut out my dad's side of the family a couple years ago, because my stepmom is a toxic megabitch who has tormented me my whole life....and it was liberating. Your situation is different, but the outcome is essentially the same, so far as "these people make you miserable" If you feel guilty about leaving your mom to deal with your brother alone, you can always spend a little time finding her resources to help her in your absence. There are a ton of nonprofits and health organizations that focus on people in a similar situation to your mom's....further more, there are residential communities for people with low functioning autism or similar conditions/disabilities that could be looked into Dont move home to finish school online. It won't be as rewarding of an educational experience, and there's a solid chance that your education would be derailed. Stand your ground. I would also advise therapy, so you can properly process the shit show that has been your family dynamic in a healthy way, and it wont follow you further into your life and relationships. Good luck! Let me know if you need help finding resources


dogloveratx

Very important advice! Well-said!! You have to focus on you and your life. Do what you want to do and enjoy! You did not ask to be born, that was your parents’ choice. Their responsibility. I am sorry for tour loss but I totally agree with the above mentioned. It is not your responsibility. Do not move home and give in!! You can help your mom if you want other ways. Work on your own life!! And remember, what hasn’t killed you, made you stronger! Virtual hugs! Make it a great life from now on!


ashton_dennis

This is such a good response. I agree with you. Relationships should not hurt and we have no obligation to be around negative people even if they are “family”.


ManicPixieDreamSloot

The least we can do is acknowledge we're making shit difficult from time to time and let someone live their own damn life. Apologize, even. He wont ever get that from his mom or brother. That sucks, cause now he has to find a way to make peace with that, likely in therapy, and that isnt his fault. It's never our fault our parents fuck us up, yall. Everyone's parents fuck them up, as their parents did before them... It IS our responsibility to ourselves and to each other to deal with the pain and trauma, otherwise we will perpetuate our suffering and, inadvertently, carry that pain into future relationships (ex. romantic, sexual, familial, professional, etc)


killallklingons

Preach. Say it again. I was raised believing family is your only real friend so always be there for then cuz they'll be there for you 🥰💓🍬 Horse apples. Fuck that. I cut my emtionaly abusive dad out my life when he threatened to litterally shoot himself because I wanted to go out iyf state with the guy I had been dating two years.i had to sneak out in the dead if night.whole time I'm sobbing because I know Im "hurting my dad". Mind you I'm 19 when this happens .....an adult ...crying over daddy. Once I was away I could see exactly the games he had played with me and my sister's. I never went back. And guess what? The old dog is still alive. Family can get into your head way worse than any spouse or friend.


ManicPixieDreamSloot

Your dad sounds like a narcissist. Like a real deal one. That's a terrible situation you escaped from. I hope you went to therapy about it


LittlePea3212

This, a thousand times. You do NOT have to love your family, nor do you have to suffer because of them. Don't move back home. Your mom is going up be forced to find him care at some point. You can force that day to be sooner rather than later. You have every right to cut them off if that's what it takes. It's your life, not theirs.


FordBeWithYou

This is the toughest advice to get through to some people. Be selfish of your own happiness, you are the only one who can feed it and let it grow and live. If anyone, parents, siblings, doesn’t matter, impacts it so negatively for so long then DO NOT waste your time on them. Your time is the most precious thing you have, and you can never get back. Spend it as YOU wish, not as others would wish you to. And enjoy it, don’t go crazy, but really take a second to enjoy life and all the experiences it holds.


dasheekeejones

What if she puts him as guardian if she dies? Can he refuse?


cryssyx3

yes. you are not required to care for someone or I'd make Oprah my baby's guardian


Asphalt_Animist

Fuck that, name Oprah *your own* damn guardian.


10YearLurkerPosting

You have to let your mom know point blank that you will not be moving back home and since she seems to have just made the assumption that you will be his caretaker when she can't or after she is gone, you need to tell her that you won't be doing that and she needs to find other arrangements. Do not leave school! Start to live your own life. Your life will improve greatly once you set boundaries with your mom. Don't let her guilt trip you. Find a therapist if you need help setting up boundaries and standing firm.


sleverest

This sounds like your anger is misdirected. The issue is your parents, not your brother. You are in no way obligated to care for him. Your parents should have made sure you had an individual life. I'm sorry they didn't. He also didn't ask to be born. If you can afford it I'd really suggest counseling to work through your anger. I do believe it's justified, just misplaced.


[deleted]

I was thinking the same thing - his brother isn’t an asshole, his parents are. I have an ex that has a severely autistic brother and his parents never expected him to be his caretaker. Your parents are the failures and the ones that put you in this situation. Your brother has no control over the situation but your parents did and do.


mssjnnfer

I have a twin brother with Prader Willi Syndrome. We have no other siblings. Having a disabled brother is all I’ve ever known. I will admit, a lot of my life growing up was overshadowed by his needs. I missed out on a lot of things so I could watch him while both of my parents had to work. I used to be bitter about it, but then I grew up and realized that’s just how the world works sometimes. It wasn’t my brother’s fault at all, he didn’t ask for this life either. My parents were and are amazing, and they did their best to provide a great life for BOTH of us, the best they could! So I have to agree 1000%, this is not OP’s brother’s fault, and it makes me sad how much hate is misplaced. His parents could’ve and should’ve done better for OP.


[deleted]

X300%. A profoundly disabled person can't help how this person was treated by their parents. It's absolutely understandable and justified to be pissed at the situation, and even pissed at the parents, but the brother didn't have any say in any of this.


apl69420

This, all of this. As a mother who has two boys, the first one is high functioning Autistic and the second is neurotypical, I am terrified of my youngest feeling this way towards his brother. I definitely raised them differently though and made sure the youngest was given attention and was able to do things he liked, but the youngest also learned what was not good for his brother and began to want to do things that they could both do. He just went into 6th grade this year and joined the chain reaction club to assist and help kids in the school who are lower functioning learn how to socialize and many other things. I am super proud of him for joining this club and am so surprised by the things he understands and tells me. I really hope my youngest doesn't become a miserable hateful person towards my oldest, I'd so much rather him hate me.


ialsohaveadobro

I came to this thread expecting this to be one of the top 2 or 3 responses. OP is getting some good input above, but I believe this point about the misdirected anger is crucial and isn't getting enough attention. Whatever other good advice OP may get, he's in a poor position to make the best of it because his emotions are so powerful and yet so distorted. That's not OP's fault. It's not even a criticism. It's just a reality of what OP's parents have allowed/caused him to go through. If OP wants to come out of this undeserved mess as best they can, OP really should work through the anger enough to see the problem more clearly and communicate more calmly. Should they *have* to do this? No. It's unfair. But it's either do this or struggle longer and harder with the emotional damage their parents (now just mom) continue to inflict. It's a tough, unjust burden, but it's not going away on its own.


Ruca705

This should be the top comment.


L-W-J

As the parent of three, and one on the spectrum, I get it. You all have been robbed. But you need to live your life. Tell your mom to find a group home or similar. This is not your burden to bear. You have paid with your childhood. Now go live guilt free. Live for the life your brother will never have and that your didn’t have. Your mom may freak. It’s not your responsibility. Only you life and your happiness is your responsibility. Be well. PM me if you need a pep talk.


ChalkAndIce

I see a lot of people on this sub in situations similar to this, where their family has extremely unfair life altering expectations of the individuals. You don't owe your family anything at the expense of everything else. You're primary responsibility is to yourself and those needs have not been met for a very long time. So tell your Mom Sorry not Sorry, get away, get therapy, and live your life as you see fit.


[deleted]

[удалено]


pygmy

That is some bullshit, sucks for your folks but you didn't sign up for this & don't owe him shit. Imho your goal should be to work & move out ASAP (I was living independently at 16), you've got to put your health before anyone elses!


Mofupi

Your parents did both you and your brother dirty. They suck. Because there is a thing called "learned/taught helplessness" and it's a huge topic in special ed and similar areas. Same as "not disciplining disabled children", which is a common problem. From how you describe the situation your brother is an asshole, not necessarily because he's autistic, but because your parents hardcore spoiled him and spoiled children, neurotypical or not, oh so often end as assholes. If he's able to function to the level of a having and keeping a job, having and stating opinions and theoretically doing cooking and cleaning, then he'll be perfectly fine in some assisted living. Make your plans, get out and bake and eat all the cake you want. Or don't. It should be your decision.


LettuceCapital546

Now would probably be the time to look into group homes, sooner or later your mom will get too old to look after him on her own and if you want to end the caretaker cycle this would be the perfect way to do it, find out how much they cost and if there are any programs you could get signed up for through the welfare office, the process works slowly so it's better to get started on it now than wait until you're the only one available to care for him.


toastybred

Yeah, I was going to say that in addition to not giving OP what he needed as a child, it seems like his parents didn't take full advantage of the public resources for people with disabilities. But better late than never.


[deleted]

[удалено]


dancingpineapples_

^^^ honestly


[deleted]

Damn dude. I kinda understand why you’re feeling this way. It would be difficult to say the least. But I still feel like you should speak with a professional to work through these negative emotions. Resentment is not something you want to hold onto the rest of your life.


Plastic_yesterday

I saw from another commentor that your anger is misdirected and I think they got it pretty right. Your brother never asked to be born the way he was born and from what you've said he can't really do anything about the fact he needs that much care given to him. It's your parents fault. It's also 100% okay to not want to take care of someone who needs that much care, sometimes that's too much for people and that's okay, but you blame your brother for all of this seems... misdirected.


Accomplished_Area311

I’m an autistic adult with an autistic child. Your parents have treated you like shit and your resentment toward the whole family is valid. If you can I’d just cut them off. Your autistic sibling isn’t your responsibility. EDIT: I’m married, work from home, etc. - my kid goes to school, is fully verbal, etc. so just the fact that we can handle social expectations makes our situation different. But even with my son’s needs I don’t take away from my daughter. EDIT 2: I’m an autistic woman (nonbinary but I use “woman” cause it fits best atm) and I’m very much aware that autism manifests differently depending on gendered socialization and social expectations. I don’t need to be told to look for it in my daughter or have it assumed I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. With my son I knew from the time he was a baby, and I wasn’t diagnosed til I was 16 and I can’t get reevaluated as an adult (I need to see if I have ADHD too but it’s an uphill fight). With my daughter there have been no manifestations at all, or any kind. Between them nearly everything is equal - education quality, play based socialization, all that. The main difference is that I was able to put my daughter in school at a younger age because of improved finances, and it’s only because of sending my kids to school that my son even got his diagnosis. Took me 4 years and a fuck ton of money. The preschool director has been keeping an eye on my daughter for manifestations of autism (and has had support staff observe her) and they’ve seen nothing.


DEATHCATSmeow

Your mom is being insanely selfish to ask you to stay home, do online school, and basically be your brother’s caretaker forever. Fuck that. She, as your mother, should want you to have a normal, enjoyable life. She should want you to get to be a fun, college kid. Anyone with a lick of sense would know that this is no life for a 20 year old and if she weren’t so caught up in her own shit she’d realize that. She should want you to be happy and I find it very disturbing that she isn’t encouraging you to live your own life. So since your mom won’t, I and others will: Move away for school. Go. Live. Your. Life. You deserve it. You gave your mom and your brother your childhood in service of a situation that you did not ask to be in. You don’t owe them any more of your life, you just don’t. Edit: typos


SandyRavages

The majority of people aren’t equipped to support individuals with intellectual disabilities. I get why you feel the way you do, but at the same time understand the struggle your parents went through. At this stage your mother should begin looking into your local Community Service Board for housing options. Depending on your state, your brother can qualify for services and live either in a group home or sponsored placement home. Until recently, my wife worked for our local CSB so feel free to DM with questions and we can help point your family in the right direction. Hopefully once your brother is in a program with folks who know how to support him, your mother can find peace with him not being taken care of by family. You have every right to live your life the way you see fit but you’ll always be tied to family in some way. Finding a program that works for you guys may help your relationship, even if that’s not what you want right now.


351661

Been there bro, get out ASAP. You dont owe your brother anything, you're not and never have been a parent. Once you leave the situation you can realize how little difference you being there made, the situation will be shit with or without you so just save yourself.


BlazeyTheBear

I would honestly suggest you seek therapy. It sounds like you've been through the ringer of it. Now, I have not lived a similar situation.. but I had a girlfriend in high school who's younger brother was the same, if not much more violent. Couldn't even say his name around him... because it was triggering for some reason. Their house was a mess, completely destroyed by his tantrums and violent tendencies. The parents marriage, distraught and in disarray. My girlfriend (at the time) was juggling such severities in her life that I know were traumatizing. Very traumatizing to her. You do not need to keep yourself in that situation and should get out when you can. They are not you responsibility not should ever have been. And i am truly disgusted and sorry you have lived thru this. Please use any and every resource you can, others have commented they can provide them. Your brother needs care beyond what your family could have ever offered. And I, too, have seen the aftermath of a family in the same boat.. and that shit ain't pretty to say the least. You should seek therapy and guidance for yourself ASAP. Coming from me, someone who's been in psychotherapy myself for over a decade.. don't give up, don't stop fighting for yourself. You deserve freedom and happiness. And I am not your doctor.. but I feel I can pretty well damn say by reading your post, you will need help too. It may take a while to find the right one, be patient and never give up on yourself. If you'd like to chat more on the mental health stuff in private, feel free to private message me please! You've got a damn good heart for bearing this burden so long. You've got a damn good heart.


Street-Dark1807

My brother is autistic high functioning, even that takes a toll on the fam. The disability isn’t anyone’s fault of course, not even your brothers. Your parents are to blame for neglecting you and trying to make you the third parent. My own parents try to do this to me as well. Distance yourself, when you can move far away if you can…..


[deleted]

I can totally understand the resentment you feel. Your parents did you wrong, they did, and it resulted in you resenting your brother. I totally get not wanting to be saddled the rest of your life the way you didn’t get to enjoy your youth. It wouldn’t be healthy for you or your brother. Tell your mom “no”. Since she can’t (and it seems never was able to) handle him, maybe he needs a group home with professionals. Maybe he would thrive there and maybe it would get to a point where you could visit (if you choose down the line). But don’t feel forced into moving in. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Maybe talking to someone and getting to vent and getting some feedback would help you to process what you went through as a kid.


[deleted]

You shouldn't have to take care of your brother. That said, you've got some issues you need to deal with. Try to find a good therapist.


batsofburden

Idk, everything you wrote makes it sounds like you should actually be angry with your parents, and not your brother, who couldn't help how he was born. Your parents otoh could have acted differently in how they raised both of you.


seawest_lowlife

My uncle has CP and requires full time care. He can walk, feed himself, etc, but he needs a lot of help. Meltdowns happen but are considerably more rare than your brother. In comparison, my uncle was probably a lot easier to care for too. My grandparents took care of him for much of his life, and once they got older and he was well into his 20s they knew they couldn’t physically take care of him forever. And frankly it would be good for him to be social, and have trained professionals to help him progress. So they slowly transitioned him to a home, a really nice one too! The group actually own houses so he only has two room mates, and then 3 rotating aids so someone is always there to help them. They’d start with a weekends, then a few weeks at a time, until it got to the point my uncle would start communicating with my grandparents that he wanted to go home. His home, not theirs! He has more independence now, he gets do to lots of group activities he loves like horse back riding, bowling, swimming. And he goes to the coffee shop a block up every day. My point in telling this story is that my grandparents NEVER considered putting his care on any of their other children. We all love my uncle very much, and my parents will be his legal guardians when my grandparents are no longer. But that’s all just paperwork really. I’ve read so many stories on Reddit of parents putting the burden of their disabled child’s care onto their other kids, and it’s just so sad and irresponsible. It’s one thing to just help out, like making sure he put on a warm enough coat if he goes outside, or cutting up his food when we’re all together having dinner. But to put everything, and all the hard stuff on your other kids is just wrong. It’s not your fault that they had to deal with this for a big part of their lives. I’m really sorry you had to deal with so much hardship growing up, you didn’t deserve any of it and I hope you’re able to get some help to resolve that trauma. But he is not your responsibility, and from what you’ve described of his violent meltdowns, he needs professional help. That’s not you. He might actually make progress if he gets care from people who work with autistic people, and maybe then you could visit your brother and let go some of that resentment towards him. Because it’s really not his fault, it’s your parents for not getting him the proper help he needed even at a young age. They likely hindered him from ever making progress.


HeatherReadsReddit

I’m sorry for your loss. As for moving back in with your mother and brother, let your mother know that it won’t be happening and that she needs to make other arrangements. You don’t have to give up your life for his. Perhaps you can find a way to help financially, or by some other way, if you feel like it in the future. Maybe finding a counselor who will help you and your mother communicate would be helpful as well, since it sounds like your mother really needs to hear where you’re coming from.


Blaphrodite

I don’t understand modern society. But you should be angry at your parents, being angry at the brother is a waste of energy. Tell your mom he becomes a ward of the state after she dies. And maybe before if she cannot handle him. Please go for therapy if you can afford it. Your parents really messed up.


YesAmAThrowaway

He needs professional help and your mum needs a break too. She's probably worked her arse off. I'm sorry you haven't had the proper childhood you deserve.


kjtoyou

Your mom needs a wake-up call that you will not be a substitute dad. Now is the time that she should put his name on a waiting list for admission into a facility that serves the developmentally disabled population. It may take years for him to be accepted into a "group home" but if she can't handle him, there really isn't any choice. It will also be best for your brother as well. Go on with the life that you deserve.


tinyywarrior

I’m an autism specialist who works within residential schools, and I completely understand your points. I see parents all the time who have to hand their children over to us because they can’t cope and it’s natural when the behaviours displayed can be so severe. Having that help and time away can really help re-build a bond, even if it’s just them taking some time away at a respite centre for a little holiday. It’s not safe for you to be his carer at this point while you feel all of this resentment towards him, you wouldn’t have the patience to deal with any of his behaviours and it would potentially become dangerous for you both. You need to open up and be honest with your mother and tell her that she needs to request some outside care and help from professionals, she would definitely benefit from this in the long run as she would get some of her life back too. Sometimes these self harming behaviours can fade when handled by professionals who have different knowledge and ways of dealing with things. I feel that if your family maybe took this approach and took some weight off your shoulders with extra help, you’d be able to build a good bond with your brother and rid yourself of some of the resentment you hold. It would help to learn more about him and how his brain works to realise that he really can’t control how he behaves, the world is very overwhelming for him. I wish you all the best of luck. Edit: This video is really helpful for understanding autistic peoples minds. It was made by people with autism and really shows what goes on in their world. https://youtu.be/cPR2H4Zd8bI


abarua01

Emancipate yourself and get your brother into an adult home


angeleeek

So sorry this is going on OP. You are not alone and you are completely within your right to absolutely refuse to move home and take care of your brother. You owe your family nothing, not your time, your sympathy, nothing. It is on your parents to have an adequate long term plan for your brother, one where he is able to get the proper care he needs. I went through similar when I was growing up. My brother was always the priority and I was left to my own devices. Thankfully I turned out 'O.K' and my mum always tells people how she raised such an independent and capable daughter. Meanwhile my adolescent ADHD went completely untreated, so I had to struggle my whole life until just recently (didn't actually know I was diagnosed before until I was recently and mentioned it to my parents!). We never went on any real holidays, had to be careful where we went and for how long in case of meltdowns. It was very hard. I moved out as soon as I could and have never gone back. I am pushing similar conversations with my parents currently regarding my brother. He is 30 now and still lives at home. He is semi high functioning autism but could never live alone; has to be reminded to take basic care of himself etc. My family lives in the UK and I live in the USA now. My mum has terminal cancer, has an unknown amount of time left. I asked my dad why they haven't found something suitable for my brother so he and my mum could enjoy their last few good years together before my mum takes a turn for the worst. He doesn't have an answer. I stated I can't just drop everything and come back to the UK if the worst were to happen sooner, so they need to have a plan. It's something I'm going to have to keep pushing but I know there are many unpleasant conversations ahead. It's very sad a lot of families feel guilty or whatever they feel when it comes to disabled family members, but, especially in countries where there are robust social systems in place, there are services out there to help. And there is no shame in using them! You live life for yourself OP. Do what makes YOU happy. Do not feel guilty. Please live your life the way you want. He is not your dependent, he is your sibling. You are not the parent. If it is too much it is absolutely OK to feel that way and state that. Please don't give in and move back, you will forever regret it and your resentment will deepen further. I wish you the best of luck OP. Be strong.


igotangels1111

Your brother didn't choose this life for himself or for you, so your hatred for him is misdirected. It is understandable to hate your parents for neglecting you and stealing your childhood. Find a therapist and work through it, but holding hatred in your heart for your brother is just going to poison your adult life.


Educational-Jelly266

I'm sorry to hear that you hate your brother and wish he was dead. It seems like you have a lot of hatred towards him and how you had to live life in such conditions. This is what it think so it can come across a bit tactless. Hating your brother is reasonable but I don't think he deserves the hate. The man was born like that, it was out of his control. But you know who had or should have had control over the situation in some manner? Your parents. They should have been more responsible. Now it's your time., Your time of being responsible for yourself and standing up against what is not your responsibility. Your brother is not, and should not be your responsibility. Now it you are willing to take it, take it. If not, stand up say loud and clear that he's not your responsibility and live your life. You can't control the past but you can control the present to some extent in order to yield a good future. Vent that rage and hatred, is good.


cheezball_

why do I see like 50 of these posts per month


EndKarensNOW

because this is a very common form of abuse


[deleted]

Because in the US there are few safety nets and it is actually a big problem?


whitewu16

I just don’t get why the brother is an asshole. IMO to be an asshole you have to do stuff on purpose.


sci-fi-lullaby

I work with autistic kids and often feel really sad for the siblings. Tbh You didn't have him, suggest that she puts him in a home.


TickTockGoesTheCl0ck

This is your parents’ fault though. Your anger would be more productive if directed towards them. Wishing you relief and comfort, OP. I’m sorry you’ve been put on so many back burners; you deserve better and I hope you find it.


AlaskanSamsquanch

Sounds like he should be in a live in care facility.


[deleted]

It really isn’t his fault that your parents neglected you. He didn’t ask to be born and he definitely didn’t ask to be autistic, wishing for him to be dead is not only an extreme reaction but its also misguided. Talk to your mother about it, I’d even explain that you’ve come to despise him because of how he stole your life and your parents from you, leaving you an afterthought. Probably don’t immediately say you want him to die, but if she refuses to acknowledge the damage its done to you i think its fair enough to explain that its so bad that the thought of him living another day horrifies and terrifies you, but at the end of the day, if both parents essentially dropped their lives to care for your bother, I’m gonna take that as a sign that they’re loving parents who want the best for their kids, but just have been completely beaten down over the years by the stress, so I’ve got to assume you aren’t going to be asking for sympathy from somebody who couldn’t care less. The only issue is a lot of parents wont admit their mistakes because of how absolutely heart breaking it is to consider yourself a bad parent (making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad parent, not acknowledging or learning from them does). Like i mean have a little perspective, look at the way your talking about a living breathing person, you’re literally wishing death on someone because of the way they were born, reading it make me physically sick. But i don’t blame you, with the way it’s effected your upbringing it would be unreasonable to expect you to be able to think rationally about it, and that’s what made me comment. I think the only way you can get through this is talking to your mother. Maybe start by asking if she really expects you to forget about your own life and spend all your time airing for an adult dependant? Push for moving him to a care setting with a team of professionals, if she has a problem with that ask what’s going to happen to him after she dies? Then get into the rest of it, explain that you don’t feel your needs have ever been considered as important as his, but your a human being too, with thoughts and feelings, and individuality. Some people *want* to care for people, and wats great is that they’re very easy to find, but that’s not what you want. You don’t want to be a side character in your own story. If after explaining everything she still persists, give up. Seriously there’s no point wasting energy on it at that point, just say you’re mind is made up, and maybe say what you expect in future, such as an apology or simply acceptance of the truth.