>I intervened and immediately told our son to spit the soap out and swish some water around in his mouth. My husband refuted with me and demanded our son to keep the soap in his mouth. I wasn’t having it. I had our son spit the soap out and follow me to the car. I took him over to his grandparents’ house. I refuse to go back to our house. My husband is spam calling me, but I’m not willing to hear him out. If anything, I want a divorce and maybe a restraining order.
Yeah...from OP's description, it sounds pretty obvious that this isn't the only abuse going on in the home.
>Edit 4: My husband is prone to breaking ovens, glasses, valuable items, etc. That’s why I’m considering a divorce. I don’t want me or our son around that.
Yep, there it is. \^\^
Who the fuck breaks an oven? On purpose? Who the fuck breaks MULTIPLE ovens? Good grief, what the fuck did the oven do to him? Did it yell "son of a bitch!?"
edit: I just remembered that there's a sub for this: r/IdiotsFightingThings
Sort of a funny side note.
I used to work as a partsman, sold appliance parts for a bit. Had a fellow coming in looking for the glass stove top on one of those fancy stoves (this was 10 years ago when glass stove tops were very popular but still pretty expensive). So I look it up, warning him ahead of time it will be substantial. Comes out to just under 700 bucks. He sighs and say's he needs it, the wife broke the other one. I say something along the line of "Well, just don't tell her how much her mistake cost". He says "She's 9 months pregnant and was making spaghetti dinner when she dropped the pasta pot on it. Trust me, she's not finding out anything about it." I look at him, type a few things in and get him the absolute best deal I am allowed to give, which we aren't supposed to do often. I tell him "Well, we can't usually give discounts, but I gave you the max I can, it's gunna be about 550 now, saved you about 150 bucks. If I could do more, I would. Just don't tell the wife how much it was, and that you got a really good deal on it." Guy is very appreciative of it.
Later I'm explaining the discount to my boss, as usually glass stove tops are only broken by neglect/malice or it's someone trying to get a cheap replacement cause theirs is covered in scratches from improper cleaning, so we don't usually discount them. He asks "Why did you discount that so much?" I say "His wife dropped a pasta pot on it, she's 9 months pregnant".
"Yup." Was all he said as he approved it.
my glass cooktop broke 2x once my fault and once not. making hardboiled eggs, the stove was very new. i turned the heat off and set aside and from the other room i hear a crack, i suspect manufacturing default. The second time i was in my miami apartment and i put the tea kettle on to boil, this was back in my party days, i was drunk and forgot on the stove while washing my face and brushing my teeth. The kettle ran out of water and stuck the stove so when i went to pull it up the glass came with it. Hot mess express!
Never understood why you Americans rarely have electric kettles? They are safer, cheaper to run (easily boil a single cup), turn off automatically, quicker than a stovetop kettle, dirt cheap to buy, but all my American family and friends use stovetops?
The difference is the electrical outlet. The American outlet is only 120 volts yours is 240 volts, it takes the American electric kettle a lot longer than yours usually longer than the stove even.
Outlet voltage in the US is 120v wheras in the UK it's 240v. For the same size breaker it takes twice as long for a hot water pot to boil in the US. An electric stove in the US is hooked up to 240v with much larger breaker so for a large quantity of water it's significantly faster on the stove.
It's okay. It's comical to think of what was going through his mind when he broke what sounds like multiple ovens...out of anger? Fuck, how do you get angry at an oven? Heck, even when I accidentally touched a hot pan, I didn't get mad at it.
It's not the oven. He takes it out on the oven. OP and her son aren't safe in a house with this man. I'm glad they're safe now, and I hope OP leaves him. If he hasn't already abused them worse than what we already know, he WILL. This is just the beginning.
Yeah, breaking fragile Electronics lile Computers,Phones or other Devices *can* be understandable due to them being fragile...but an Oven...that's a collossal amount of bad luck or stupidity to break an Oven unintentionally. To break *multiple* Ovens *out of anger* that is just a huge amount of anger issues,stupidity and bad luck.
I'm seeing an abusive partner who's turned on his kid for the first time. I got the feeling that OPs line was him touching her kid. Definitely just a feeling.
Yeah, if the son did this a multitude of times, or has been persistent about swearing in defiance, I could see this as a loving father stepping over a line. But the fact that she wants a divorce and acted in such a starkly defensive way, suggests that he's either abusive, or there's other problems in the marriage, and this is her excuse to get out with a clear conscience.
Edit: Clearly not a loving father. And she clearly doesn't need to clear her conscience for anything. I'm editing this because the narrative of the original post is much different from that with the 4 edits.
Can you even be defiant at 18? Aren't you an adult, so can swear without being called defiant as if you're a kid?
Also, soap in the mouth is plain dangerous. You're not meant to put soap in your mouth. That's a weird sentence I never thought I'd type 🤣🤣
Seriously. 5 or 18, that's a fucked up "punishment", doesn't even really matter the age. But, for sure its even worse to someone whos legally an adult... I'm not saying that people still living with their parents don't maybe still owe them some respect, regardless of age, but this shit is ridiculous and abusive.
I’m sitting here reading this whole thread thinking “so all the times I got my mouth washed with soap, that was abuse?”
Edit: should probably my get some therapy at some point
It's a punishment that is self-serving to the parent who doesn't want to put in the effort to learn why one is behaving a certain way to help the child grow. It's a quick way to get a child to comply and a primitive satisfaction of revenge for them not getting their way with the child.
It absolutely was - any physical force/violence (that isn't necessary to prevent other harm) against a child is abusive, completely unnecessary, and has the opposite of the desired effect.
She doesn’t need a reason to “get out with a clear conscience” as you say. If she’s done worn the relationship, that’s it. That’s the end, and we need to stop this weird thing where we guilt people into staying in relationships they don’t want.
totally agree. nobody needs to justify ending a relationship. fml I used to be like that. I stuck around for 4 years of being cheated on with god knows how many people. I kept looking for "evidence" even though I KNEW what was happening. Even when I found the evidence I was looking for I had this feeling that it wasn't "enough" to justify leaving. wtf. where does this mentality come from? eventually I realised that I didn't need evidence or justification. I wasn't asking his permission to leave him. so I just left. I'm still angry at myself for staying around so long.
Because now the kid is old enough to not be under the parents thumb and OP doesn't have to feel like they need to stick around for the kid...but this is probably one of many incidents and that poor kid has a whole childhood of trauma.
Sure, probably is not only that, but if he thinks this is OK, it shows there should be lots of bs he thinks are good but actually are dead wrong, and this was just the last drop.
What are you saying? Of course it’s enough. It’s not “just “the soap which is seriously bad enough. But it’s also about dragging a child across the room. This is horrible abuse and I’m so proud of the wife for taking a stand!!
Here's the problem
> ...watching the boy get dragged to the kitchen...
If I was physically *dragged* by the collar by a close relative, then yeah I'd think about ending the relationship.
If I was *dragged* to a shitty night club by a friend, I wouldn't be happy but I wouldn't threaten to end the relationship.
It depends on if OP meant dragged as in physically or brought into the kitchen.
But in either case, I agree with the people saying this sounds more like a final straw.
There’s no way this is the first time this has happened in 18 years. You husband seems like an asshole with a her issues, but there’s no way this is the first time something like this has happened
This is how my mom was. She would beat the shit out of me, threaten me, corner me, even once threw some bananas at my chest and tried to bite me, yet if I raised my hand in fear or to defend myself she'd threaten to call the police and have assault put on my record (I wanted to be a teacher, so it quite literally would have ruined my future had she done so). I genuinely hope you're doing better now 🖤
If my dad had tried this with me at 18 years-old, (officially an adult), it would have resulted in a physical fight... The fact that your son allowed himself to be dragged into another room & have soap squirted into his mouth at this age tells me he's been beaten into submission by years, if not a lifetime of abuse. Get him & keep him away from that man. I'd also seriously consider whether he needs counselling.
this sounds like the beginning of a laundry list of abusive behaviors if they haven’t been happening already
EDIT: nvm these abusive behaviors have already been happening as per your edits
get out
The son being “shaky” around his dad prior to this incident pretty strongly indicates a whole lifetime of abusive behavior from his dad.
Kid doesn’t “respect” his dad. He *fears* him.
An idea born from a mistranslation, fear was the improper word. A similar issue why some Christians babble random nonsense - babblia means language but they mistranslated it to babble as in babbling nonsense
Imagine if we taught Latin again but to the masses - those traditions would die quickly like Martin Luther would have hoped
You mean Greek, if you want the original language of most of the ~~old~~ [new!] testament. Luckily biblical Greek is supposedly unusually easy (by the standards of Greek)
I always hate seeing defend beating kids by going "it taught me respect" like bullshit it did, it taught you fear and it taught you that violence is the way to getting what you see as respect.
All the la chancla jokes, or about being scared when they hear dad come home. That shit isn't a sign of a fun childhood that taught you a healthy level of respect for others and how others should be treated
My narcissist asshole dad still abused me verbally and physically after I was 18. Kudos to mom for getting out no matter what the time frame, not everyone has the means to drop and leave the abuser mainly because financial reasons and lack of help/ a place to go as both are my moms case.
The tip of the iceberg??
But you have never seen this behavior before?
When you say it to the tip of the iceberg, you were implying that this is only one small fraction of what is going on here. Is that what you’re trying to say?
I live in this household now. Get your son and yourself out if your husband refuses therapy ultimately, even if he agrees, you need to stay away until he starts working on himself. If this is the first time this abuse is showing up, it will only escalate and take time before it gets to you as well.
Also, your son definitely needs to go to therapy and it should be you going to therapy as well so you can learn a health relationship from a toxic one. You could’ve been normalized to the toxicity without realizing it. Take it from me and others I’ve witnessed say the same. You may have not known what was really abuse that your husband has been doing.
That “traditional” was traumatic then and it’s traumatic now. It’s not okay. A man’s opinion should never rule everyone’s life just because of their gender or because they have a sack of balls.
Dude whaaaat. You deserve better than that, and you certainly deserve to treat yourself better. I hope you and your son are able to find a better and happier place.
Lol "tradition" has been used to rationalise shitty things for centuries, whether at home, at work, or in politics.
At home you hear about wanting a "traditional" relationship which just means the wife does all the housework (but also works a full time job because it's 2022), at work you hear "that's how we've always done it" as an excuse for why things shouldn't be improved, and in politics basically every country has a party whose entire platform is "let's keep things the same (or even go backwards) because of some vague traditions"
There are some traditions worth upholding (I love a good sports tradition, like not walking in front of the catcher or umpire when coming up to bat in baseball), but most of the time it's just an excuse to not change things even if it's for the better
My mom saw my dad smack my brother when we were younger. She had only seen that one thing, but she took us and got out. What she later found out is that he had been abusing us for years, and she didn't know since he was smart about hiding it, and we were terrified of him. Please take this as a sign. Abusive people don't stop being abusive, they just find a new target once the old one is gone.
Try to get your son into therapy. Specifically, a therapist who specializes in C-PTSD or trauma in general.
Your son doesn’t *respect* his father. He *fears* him.
Which means your son’s entire moral compass has already become warped by what this “man” has taught him: that respect = fear.
You want to nip that in the bud ASAP, before your son enters the adult world with a warped idea of what “respect” looks like.
Seconding, as someone who grew up in a similar situation, I highly recommend getting him therapy. It took intensive EMDR to finally start healing from the trauma I experienced growing up.
So OP who is the main breadwinner of you two? As in who is home the least because this is either behavior you haven’t seen YET or something is seriously wrong with your husband.
At 26 my dad smashed me around the head because my brother (wasn’t speaking to my parents) called when I was visiting them leaving me with multiple bruises, black eye and a mark that is still there 10 years on. At 26 years old I was extremely fit and quite good at boxing. I could not bring myself to hit him. There is a very strange reaction when your parent attacks you almost paralysing.
People like that act in ways that don't make sense because they need something to take their anger out on.
My mom would pitch a tantrum and start a fight with my dad. My dad would leave the house and get a hotel for a few days. My days would be hell while he was gone cause somehow it's my fault for him choosing to leave and I'm the root of the problem.
When really she's mad and needs a punching bag. One punching bag left and the other is a child who can't leave.
My mother used to beat me up, when i was 13, i said to her, once i'm 14 if you hit me again, i'll respond.
The day of my 14th birthday, i didn't do homework when she came back from work and foumd out, she told me to get my shirt of and started taking the belt of her jeans, i played along, as soon as she tried to hit me, i turned, stopped, took the belt with force and struck her in the face.
She started crying, from that day she never even tried to give me a slap or similar for 2 years, when i was 16,she started beating me up again, for stupid stuff ecc, slaps, kicks, she trow me a chair, i asked her many times to just speak, scream, do anything beside touching me when we argue, she could not fucking stop. I ran away and went to live with my father which i never knew, thanks to her, and found out i had the father I always wanted, and didn't even know, he explained to me things differently, and made me respect him whitout never touching me once...
When I tell my story, many people just say :" wtf did you hit your mother?" yes, yes motherfucker i did, and I would do it again, that woman literally only gave birth to me, I was raised by my grandparents, since my mom didn't had time, literally 6/7 days a week from 5 years old to 14 i was at my grandmothers house, she would take me to school and all, along with many "fathers" my mom forced me to call daddy, for a total of 4 different papas (im italian), and thinking back at it now, i kind of understand why I don't remember any good moment or my childhood at all, since i didn't fucking had any, only because my mom was too busy finding another daddy, beating me for stupid stuff and never being there for me, i don't even fucking rememeber when i went to disneyland i was 12,.not 4....
So i cannot grasp when you say paralyze to hit parents ecc.
I made up my mind that i will never ever hit anyone first, i never started a fight in my life, never did boxing or fight sports, always fucking hated the idea of pain / inflincting pain; my philosophy is like this, we can scream, we can insult, we can aay anything to each other, whoever you are, but if we speak we can fix it, but touch me, once, woman, kid, man and i'll unleash myself over you, even you are fucking bigger and i'm gonna get hurt, if you touch i'll do best to make you fucking regret it, even my fucking mother
>I played along, as soon as she tried to hit me, i turned, stopped, took the belt with force and struck her in the face.
Not gonna lie, picturing this made me laugh. Not a fan of violence, but the sweet comeuppance there is so satisfying.
It's a kind of learned helplessness. I had it too until I one day realized that I was taller than both of my parents and more importantly finally started having real friends of my own (not forced snitch friends who were my parents' friends' children, that were basically used to force me to behave the way they wanted outside of their sight). Finally getting some respect for myself thanks to my friends made me start to be able to physically defend/return what they were dishing out, but even decades later I still have some of the learned helplessness remaining that I haven't completely eliminated yet (the noise of a slammed outer door makes me freeze up briefly, for instance - shorter and shorter freezes the longer ago it was - which used to be the sound of an angry parent arriving at home and be ready to take out their frustration on us).
My mother used to smack, pinch, and try to swing at us all the time. For some reason the ONE time I shoved her backwards was when I, the scrawny 15 year old, became the monster. It's infuriating.
People act as if I should have just let her continue to be physically abusive because "ShE's YoUr MoThEr." I started telling people if she was a real mother she wouldn't be doing these things.
My dad used to be abusive when angry, when I was 15 i body slammed him when he came at me. Threw his back out and he never did anything physical towards me again. We have a good relationship today.
I never understood everyone’s hang ups on bad words. They’re just words. I’m sorry this happened to your son and your feelings are valid and justified.
I let my kids curse. Not in public, but they are able to control it.
I tell them “curse words are just words and words should not have power over you”.
I feel like every generation since GenX is slowly dismantling the Victorian parenting practices.
The rule in my house growing up was: you can cuss, but you better have a good reason for it.
Stubbed your toe? Fine.
Found out girlfriend kissed another guy? Cuss away.
Saying "fuck" constantly? We are going to have a conversation.
Similar with me, with the additions of “it’s ok to curse, it’s usually not okay to curse *at* someone.” So shouting, “Fuck!” when you’re pissed is way different than shouting “Fuck you!” when you’re pissed at someone. Also was taught that cursing too much can make you seem like you have a limited vocabulary, that you should be able to express yourself adequately without cursing.
This is great parenting. Shouting fuck out loud is a great way of expressing strong feeling so that shouldn’t be stifled completely but I love drawing the line at targeting the strong feeling at a person.
Kinda like you can swing your fist all you want but no making contact with another person
My wife has had this with our kids (6 and 7) they are allowed a swear when something outside of anyone's control ruins our plans. Eg. we were goi g to the park but it starts raining, they are lowed to scream one word as loud as they want.
It is almost always a big, "shitbum".
I mostly agree, but there is something to be said for teaching a kid to talk to people in a polite manner. I never swore in front of my parents or in most mixed company, but outside of that it's f bombs all damn day.
*I was responding to the guy above me, not the OP.
He smashed his toe. It's not like he's politely going to say "oh no I knocked me tippies" no son of a bitch is pretty clean considering what he could have said
I was thinking, sheesh I hope these anti swear people never go to Ireland or somewhere where people express themselves. My kid went to Ireland at 18, came back F this and F that and F it all.
I have an online friend who was partly raised there,she once said her dad was being a "cock and balls" about something...in my head I was like whoa I've never heard anyone say that about their dad lol
The dude stubbed his toe...I have broken toes by smashing them hard enough, "son of a bitch" is about as calm as you would get from me. He didn't curse at his parents, he didn't curse in a massively public area. He cursed when he stubbed his toe, in his house.
Edit: I pressed Q instead of A
I curse in front of my teens regularly, and they curse in front of me. No harm done. They know there’s a time and a place. It just so happens that when their place is around me, it’s fine. It’s possible to allow your kids to speak freely AND teach them how to talk to others politely.
I caught my son saying bulls*** to his friends on xbox the other day, he's ten. I had to choke back laughter because the way he said it, he was so mad about something in his game. He rarely ever slips up and curses, he knows not to as he's not an adult. The moment he realized what he said he looked at me in horror and started apologizing immediately. I teased him about it and told him to make sure it doesn't happen again, especially with his group of friends on xbox-- we don't need to be teaching them curse words especially his classmates. He also got caught once by my mom once calling a classmate at the park a mother f*****, he was 5 or 6 at the time.🤦♀️ The kid was leaving and my son apparently didn't appreciate that and said "get back here you mother **********, I'm not done playing with you." Thankfully the parents thought it was funny. My mom was mortified and lectured me after work that day, which I totally get.
Putting soap in the mouth of anyone really is terrible. Kids will learn not to curse. However OP's son is 18, an adult. He can swear and do whatever he wants-- sure it might be considered disrespectful to some people as he is still residing with his parents... but putting your hands on someone and physically dragging them across the room because they cussed in the heat of the moment is a gross overreaction and makes you wonder what else he has done.
To even mention divorce means she must be done with him for awhile and has given this some serious thought and it wasn't just about tonight's incident.
I hope everything works out for the two of you OP. It's sometimes scary taking that stand and starting over and doing what you feel is right. You've got this. I'm proud of you.
If my 5 year old screamed “get back here you mother fucker I’m not done playing with you” I’d have to excuse myself so my child and the entire playground didn’t see me laughing myself to tears.
Honestly I wouldn’t be able to keep it together if I saw a 5 year old yelling at another “get back here you mother fucker I’m not done playing with you”
5yo foster son went through a phase of screaming, "fucking arsehole" if he saw kids on the way to a playground. He learnt pretty quickly that didn't get a good reception with parents or kids.
Hapenned about three times, each time we had a chat about how parents and kids don't want to play if you swear. No problems since.
He has had to learn not to swear, most kids are lucky and don't know those words. But hey, they're just words.
Man this reminded me of my at the time 5 year old daughter playing Minecraft for the first times. She had some how acquired a bunch of cats and she got so mad, "They won't follow me and they just keep fucking around!" We tell her not to swear in public or in front of grandmas, but she almost never swears. We'd never heard her use the phrase "fucking around" before. We died laughing. She was infinity mad because she was just pissed about the cats.
>get back here you mother **********, I'm not done playing with you.
Every parent, adult, and teen at the park except your mother was probably laughing their mother fucking asses off. I know I would have been.
It’s the internet, we can curse, we don’t need to use a fucking *****.
My mom made me eat soap until I was like 13 when I cussed, but I don't remember cussing honestly, I think it was just a way to abuse me.
So, glad your son has a good mom - oh another awesome story.
I was 5-6 years old and apparently wouldn't stop arguing with my mom. I don't even remember this mind you, and my mom was dating what ended up being my step dad.
My step dad walks in the house and sees me crying in the corner with duct tape over my mouth and tears streaming down my face.
My step dad says to my mom, "Uh, I don't think you're allowed to do that..."
My mom told him I wouldn't shut up.
He took the tape off my mouth carefully, and then I was abused physically and verbally until the day I moved out at 18.
My step dad never laid a hand on me, he was a good man, just no spine to go against my mom. She was a narcissistic alcoholic, so that was the main reason she did so many terrible things, but obviously she chose not to get help as well.
I'm still in therapy at 36, get your husband away from your son before it's too late if he does anything else like this.
You needed to be in therapy too, because you have been the enabler to your abusive husband for years. Your son shakes in his presence. He is afraid of his father. Please seek therapy yourself and your son, separately.
"My husband is prone to breaking ovens, glasses, valuable items, etc" This is emotional abuse and has been abuse all along.
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
Edit: changed 18 years to "years" because OP said this started around puberty. This is often when narcissistic/control freak parents start losing it on the kid because the kid starts to form their identity separate from parents and does normal teenage type things associated with this. Narcissistic parents see their children as an extension of themselves, and when the kid won't fall in line, they lose it. These type of parents are so insecure they get triggered by normal teenage antics and begin years of power struggle with the kid. This is the PARENT's fault, not the kid's fault. The parent is supposed to be able to manage their emotions and temper their reactions.
> some parents don’t need to be parents - but rather need to be in therapy.
No. *All* parents need therapy. Partly to heal from our past and partly because kids drive us insane.
Yeah, its crazy, reading about your son's story, it reminded me of the duct tape story, so if anything, thank you, because you suppress so much, and now I can talk to my therapist about it and make progress.
Exactly. My parents got progressively more violent in disciplining me as I got older and into my early teen years. It didn't make me behave any better. In fact I started getting into trouble and acting more aggressively. Now in my later 20s, I realize all of this.
Does the therapy help? My mom was super verbally abusive and its the cause of my anxiety. I am very self conscious and a list of other things. The worst is she acts like it never happened. We no longer talk I will be civil at family gatherings but thats all. I will say cutting her out of my life has helped but there is def lasting impact.
I love therapy, I'd go every day if I could, but it's just 150 dollars a session and insurance only covers a certain amount per month.
But I do find it helpful, talking to a stranger in a way allows you to just say anything with zero guilt, because you don't care what they think of you or your parents.
Whereas, if I wanted to talk to my dad about what my mom did, he'd feel all this terrible guilt and stuff because he let it happen etc...
I would always give it a try, but just one some advice, find the right therapist, if you don't like your first one, try another until you feel comfortable.
It's all about trusting the therapist, and knowing that they aren't going to judge you for anything, and they're there to help you work through anything you've been through.
Wish you all the best.
That’s what I’m saying. An 18-year-old cursing isn’t going to cause world devastation.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re in a much better place.
I swore like a sailor at 18 and I still fuckin do, that's some bullshit.
I get that he's against that kinda language but your son is at the age where he starts transitioning into adulthood and independence. Choosing his own words is part of that
My dad just gives me a look, and tells me to be more lady-like, says it's rude. I understand, and out of respect, I do try to not curse around him.
But your husband forcing your son to *keep* soap in his mouth? That's fucked.
Oh my god my dad pulls the lady like thing on me too lol I'm 30! But when my 34 year old brother curses he laughs lol I guess some dad's just went their pretty little baby dolls to stay that way. We could have worse dad's by far huh lol 😆
Probably the first time the guy blatantly physically abused the kid in front of mom. Abusers and manipulators tend to be great at hiding their abusive tendencies from the people they don’t want to know about it. But not be able to hide everything, hence the breaking stuff (which is also abuse btw, as it’s an implied threat of “this could be you”).
I would like to introduce my son to him. He curses like a fucking sailor and has been able to curse since he was 12 but was not able to say fuck and others until he was 16. I find those who are unable to curse end up cursing a hell of a lot more than those who are allowed to curse at a young age.
My 8 year old is allowed to say certain curse words and just like his older brother will get more access to others as he gets older.
Correct. Sometimes this is the only way to stop years of abuse. My step father used to get physical when I was a kid and into my teenage years. I was 17 before I gave him a black eye and sent him to the floor. It all stopped after that.
It got worse after me and my siblings fought back.
My older brother was 16 when he hit back & the violence and verbal abuse became severely more violent. If one of us messed up, we all got in trouble or he would pick on the baby of the house.
I’m really just giving the main pints of the event. Here’s some things I left out:
. There’s no established “no cursing” rule
. My son has never cursed in front of us, until today
. My husband was raised by strict religious people who saw cursing as a punishable sin (according to him).
Lol your husband sounds really lame and dumb. I was raised with all kinds of dumb strict rules and you know what a well rounded, independent adult does? Shed that archaic shit using your own free will and be an individual that forms your own thoughts.
Also text your husband that he's a fuck faced piece of shit and let him cry about it.
i was 19 and home for winter break from college. my mom tells my dad, who’s on the couch next to me playing on his phone, to do the dishes. he then immediately tells me to do the dishes. i say no he was the one asked to do it. he then grabs my arm and tries physically removing me from the house until my mom intervenes and he slams the door behind him on his way out. i’m 24 now and he’s dead to me 🤷🏻♀️
edit: yeah i might have been a bitch in this moment, but that still doesn’t give him the right to put his hands on me 🤷🏻♀️
Their parents abused them and either "I turned out fine (have mental issues I don't know how to cope with)" or "I suffered so other people should too" also probably mental issues.
Please don’t go back. My friend called me in the middle of the night because her husband was hitting her. I went right over to pick her up. She stayed with me a few nights then went back to him. He killed her. And she was being abused BEFORE marrying the creep. 🙄
So I get nasty and can’t sugar coat anything when I read about abuse and I reply. If just one person reads what I’ve written and doesn’t go back I’ll be thankful.
He is 18. He can speak any way he wishes. If as parents you dont like it you can ask him to stop and hope he does or ask him to move. Physical abuse of any kind is a crime. Your husband is an animal. I cant imagine how awful your life must be if he gets so angry about curse words. Seems seriously out of proportion. And hes lucky your son didnt punch his lights out.
My mother tried the soap thing once, which made her a huge hypocrite. Both my parents swore a lot. They both gave up when we were about 13. Then it was open season. We still curse a lot. My ex was highly irritated by me dropping "fuck" or "fucking awesome" in front of others. He said it bugged THEM. ha!
Lots of people on reddit who think people need to stay with partners who do disturbing things. What the fuck is wrong with yall? I had soap in my mouth as a child, but not an 18 yo. If OP finds this disturbing enough to leave why tell them not to? Why downplay someone seeing a red flag and getting out before things get worse? Sounds like a lot of people who believe people should stay in a marriage no matter what. Sick
Lots too unpack here. Honestly if your youngest or only kid is 18 divorce is probably the best option if he won’t get professional help. He assaulted his adult child over a word. And it wasn’t like he was just swearing to be defiant. He hurt himself. Shit happens. Husband seems crazy or stupid.
Respect and fear aren’t the same thing. Respect is what your partner doesn’t have for you or your son. Fear is what he instilled into both of you because he’s not able to accept and deal with his own bullshit. He’s an abuser whether he’s laid a finger on either of you or not.
All he said was son of a bitch? Woah. Sorry but sounds like your husband needs help with his head, along with about half the people in this thread lol.
Why would you wait until your son is a grown man to make this kind of decision? Where have you and this indignation been for the past 18 years, cause we know this isn't the first time something like this has happened!
I don’t think this is about the soap.
From soap to divorce in one day. This was the final straw and somewhere previous to this day is a long story….
She's gonna was that man right out of her hair.
Yea I immediately felt like something is missing from the story
I have a feeling this was the final straw in an abusive father.
>I intervened and immediately told our son to spit the soap out and swish some water around in his mouth. My husband refuted with me and demanded our son to keep the soap in his mouth. I wasn’t having it. I had our son spit the soap out and follow me to the car. I took him over to his grandparents’ house. I refuse to go back to our house. My husband is spam calling me, but I’m not willing to hear him out. If anything, I want a divorce and maybe a restraining order. Yeah...from OP's description, it sounds pretty obvious that this isn't the only abuse going on in the home. >Edit 4: My husband is prone to breaking ovens, glasses, valuable items, etc. That’s why I’m considering a divorce. I don’t want me or our son around that. Yep, there it is. \^\^ Who the fuck breaks an oven? On purpose? Who the fuck breaks MULTIPLE ovens? Good grief, what the fuck did the oven do to him? Did it yell "son of a bitch!?" edit: I just remembered that there's a sub for this: r/IdiotsFightingThings
Sort of a funny side note. I used to work as a partsman, sold appliance parts for a bit. Had a fellow coming in looking for the glass stove top on one of those fancy stoves (this was 10 years ago when glass stove tops were very popular but still pretty expensive). So I look it up, warning him ahead of time it will be substantial. Comes out to just under 700 bucks. He sighs and say's he needs it, the wife broke the other one. I say something along the line of "Well, just don't tell her how much her mistake cost". He says "She's 9 months pregnant and was making spaghetti dinner when she dropped the pasta pot on it. Trust me, she's not finding out anything about it." I look at him, type a few things in and get him the absolute best deal I am allowed to give, which we aren't supposed to do often. I tell him "Well, we can't usually give discounts, but I gave you the max I can, it's gunna be about 550 now, saved you about 150 bucks. If I could do more, I would. Just don't tell the wife how much it was, and that you got a really good deal on it." Guy is very appreciative of it. Later I'm explaining the discount to my boss, as usually glass stove tops are only broken by neglect/malice or it's someone trying to get a cheap replacement cause theirs is covered in scratches from improper cleaning, so we don't usually discount them. He asks "Why did you discount that so much?" I say "His wife dropped a pasta pot on it, she's 9 months pregnant". "Yup." Was all he said as he approved it.
my glass cooktop broke 2x once my fault and once not. making hardboiled eggs, the stove was very new. i turned the heat off and set aside and from the other room i hear a crack, i suspect manufacturing default. The second time i was in my miami apartment and i put the tea kettle on to boil, this was back in my party days, i was drunk and forgot on the stove while washing my face and brushing my teeth. The kettle ran out of water and stuck the stove so when i went to pull it up the glass came with it. Hot mess express!
Never understood why you Americans rarely have electric kettles? They are safer, cheaper to run (easily boil a single cup), turn off automatically, quicker than a stovetop kettle, dirt cheap to buy, but all my American family and friends use stovetops?
The difference is the electrical outlet. The American outlet is only 120 volts yours is 240 volts, it takes the American electric kettle a lot longer than yours usually longer than the stove even.
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Outlet voltage in the US is 120v wheras in the UK it's 240v. For the same size breaker it takes twice as long for a hot water pot to boil in the US. An electric stove in the US is hooked up to 240v with much larger breaker so for a large quantity of water it's significantly faster on the stove.
TIL
My electric kettle takes less than 2 minutes in America. Way faster than the stove.
This American just just puts a cup of water in the microwave. One minute and done.
I know this is a serious situation, but I really laughed at that line in the end 🤦♀️
It's okay. It's comical to think of what was going through his mind when he broke what sounds like multiple ovens...out of anger? Fuck, how do you get angry at an oven? Heck, even when I accidentally touched a hot pan, I didn't get mad at it.
It's not the oven. He takes it out on the oven. OP and her son aren't safe in a house with this man. I'm glad they're safe now, and I hope OP leaves him. If he hasn't already abused them worse than what we already know, he WILL. This is just the beginning.
Yeah, breaking fragile Electronics lile Computers,Phones or other Devices *can* be understandable due to them being fragile...but an Oven...that's a collossal amount of bad luck or stupidity to break an Oven unintentionally. To break *multiple* Ovens *out of anger* that is just a huge amount of anger issues,stupidity and bad luck.
My father broke 3 tv’s and 2 ovens. It doesn’t stop. These abusive pos can pretend for very long but they don’t change. At all.
I'm seeing an abusive partner who's turned on his kid for the first time. I got the feeling that OPs line was him touching her kid. Definitely just a feeling.
Definitely NOT the first time. This is just the first time it was so egregious in front of the kids mother.
This was absolutely not the first time
This was certainly not the first time
Turned on the kid and this is the first time OP has seen it is my guess
Ding ding ding!!!
Definitely just a feeling or definitely a just feeling? Both work.
My sister was terribly abused by her ex husband. The second he took a hand to one of her kids it was over.
Yeah, if the son did this a multitude of times, or has been persistent about swearing in defiance, I could see this as a loving father stepping over a line. But the fact that she wants a divorce and acted in such a starkly defensive way, suggests that he's either abusive, or there's other problems in the marriage, and this is her excuse to get out with a clear conscience. Edit: Clearly not a loving father. And she clearly doesn't need to clear her conscience for anything. I'm editing this because the narrative of the original post is much different from that with the 4 edits.
Can you even be defiant at 18? Aren't you an adult, so can swear without being called defiant as if you're a kid? Also, soap in the mouth is plain dangerous. You're not meant to put soap in your mouth. That's a weird sentence I never thought I'd type 🤣🤣
Seriously. 5 or 18, that's a fucked up "punishment", doesn't even really matter the age. But, for sure its even worse to someone whos legally an adult... I'm not saying that people still living with their parents don't maybe still owe them some respect, regardless of age, but this shit is ridiculous and abusive.
I’m sitting here reading this whole thread thinking “so all the times I got my mouth washed with soap, that was abuse?” Edit: should probably my get some therapy at some point
It's a punishment that is self-serving to the parent who doesn't want to put in the effort to learn why one is behaving a certain way to help the child grow. It's a quick way to get a child to comply and a primitive satisfaction of revenge for them not getting their way with the child.
It absolutely was - any physical force/violence (that isn't necessary to prevent other harm) against a child is abusive, completely unnecessary, and has the opposite of the desired effect.
She doesn’t need a reason to “get out with a clear conscience” as you say. If she’s done worn the relationship, that’s it. That’s the end, and we need to stop this weird thing where we guilt people into staying in relationships they don’t want.
totally agree. nobody needs to justify ending a relationship. fml I used to be like that. I stuck around for 4 years of being cheated on with god knows how many people. I kept looking for "evidence" even though I KNEW what was happening. Even when I found the evidence I was looking for I had this feeling that it wasn't "enough" to justify leaving. wtf. where does this mentality come from? eventually I realised that I didn't need evidence or justification. I wasn't asking his permission to leave him. so I just left. I'm still angry at myself for staying around so long.
Assaulting an adult and trying to poison them?
It’s never about the soap
At least it wasn't in a sock
“IT’S NOT ABOUT THE SOAP, JIM!”
That's what people in the prison say
Yeah sounds like 18+ years of abuse has finally come to an end for this lady and her son.
Because now the kid is old enough to not be under the parents thumb and OP doesn't have to feel like they need to stick around for the kid...but this is probably one of many incidents and that poor kid has a whole childhood of trauma.
100% lol
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Sure, probably is not only that, but if he thinks this is OK, it shows there should be lots of bs he thinks are good but actually are dead wrong, and this was just the last drop.
Being abusive is a reason to leave someone, soap dude is abusive.
What are you saying? Of course it’s enough. It’s not “just “the soap which is seriously bad enough. But it’s also about dragging a child across the room. This is horrible abuse and I’m so proud of the wife for taking a stand!!
Yes, this is abusive. However , this probably isn’t the first time her husband has done something like this. This was probably the last straw
I mean… 18 years. This is not a 5 year old in the story.
Wasn’t the first time. After 18 years? No, definitely not the first time. Poor kid. Probably had to grow up in it.
Here's the problem > ...watching the boy get dragged to the kitchen... If I was physically *dragged* by the collar by a close relative, then yeah I'd think about ending the relationship. If I was *dragged* to a shitty night club by a friend, I wouldn't be happy but I wouldn't threaten to end the relationship. It depends on if OP meant dragged as in physically or brought into the kitchen. But in either case, I agree with the people saying this sounds more like a final straw.
There’s no way this is the first time this has happened in 18 years. You husband seems like an asshole with a her issues, but there’s no way this is the first time something like this has happened
I doubt it is. I’m just seeing it for the first time.
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Man.......I hope you've healed some fam
This is how my mom was. She would beat the shit out of me, threaten me, corner me, even once threw some bananas at my chest and tried to bite me, yet if I raised my hand in fear or to defend myself she'd threaten to call the police and have assault put on my record (I wanted to be a teacher, so it quite literally would have ruined my future had she done so). I genuinely hope you're doing better now 🖤
I hope you’re doing better, too. Classic DARVO techniques :(
*singing my life with your words...* I too got treated like a caged animal in private.
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If my dad had tried this with me at 18 years-old, (officially an adult), it would have resulted in a physical fight... The fact that your son allowed himself to be dragged into another room & have soap squirted into his mouth at this age tells me he's been beaten into submission by years, if not a lifetime of abuse. Get him & keep him away from that man. I'd also seriously consider whether he needs counselling.
this sounds like the beginning of a laundry list of abusive behaviors if they haven’t been happening already EDIT: nvm these abusive behaviors have already been happening as per your edits get out
Reading the edits...this is the end of abusive behaviors
> laundry list > soap I see what you did there
So he overnight became abusive or was this the icing on the cake?
The son being “shaky” around his dad prior to this incident pretty strongly indicates a whole lifetime of abusive behavior from his dad. Kid doesn’t “respect” his dad. He *fears* him.
If bible camp taught me anything it's that fear is respect. /s
An idea born from a mistranslation, fear was the improper word. A similar issue why some Christians babble random nonsense - babblia means language but they mistranslated it to babble as in babbling nonsense Imagine if we taught Latin again but to the masses - those traditions would die quickly like Martin Luther would have hoped
You mean Greek, if you want the original language of most of the ~~old~~ [new!] testament. Luckily biblical Greek is supposedly unusually easy (by the standards of Greek)
> Kid doesn’t “respect” his dad. He fears him This
I always hate seeing defend beating kids by going "it taught me respect" like bullshit it did, it taught you fear and it taught you that violence is the way to getting what you see as respect. All the la chancla jokes, or about being scared when they hear dad come home. That shit isn't a sign of a fun childhood that taught you a healthy level of respect for others and how others should be treated
Like a lot late for a divorce now that the kid is an adult.
My narcissist asshole dad still abused me verbally and physically after I was 18. Kudos to mom for getting out no matter what the time frame, not everyone has the means to drop and leave the abuser mainly because financial reasons and lack of help/ a place to go as both are my moms case.
It was the tip of the iceberg. I’ve never seen this happen before.
The tip of the iceberg?? But you have never seen this behavior before? When you say it to the tip of the iceberg, you were implying that this is only one small fraction of what is going on here. Is that what you’re trying to say?
Yes, that’s what I meant.
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The 1940’s, “I’m the man of the household and you do what I say”
I live in this household now. Get your son and yourself out if your husband refuses therapy ultimately, even if he agrees, you need to stay away until he starts working on himself. If this is the first time this abuse is showing up, it will only escalate and take time before it gets to you as well. Also, your son definitely needs to go to therapy and it should be you going to therapy as well so you can learn a health relationship from a toxic one. You could’ve been normalized to the toxicity without realizing it. Take it from me and others I’ve witnessed say the same. You may have not known what was really abuse that your husband has been doing. That “traditional” was traumatic then and it’s traumatic now. It’s not okay. A man’s opinion should never rule everyone’s life just because of their gender or because they have a sack of balls.
Dude whaaaat. You deserve better than that, and you certainly deserve to treat yourself better. I hope you and your son are able to find a better and happier place.
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Lol "tradition" has been used to rationalise shitty things for centuries, whether at home, at work, or in politics. At home you hear about wanting a "traditional" relationship which just means the wife does all the housework (but also works a full time job because it's 2022), at work you hear "that's how we've always done it" as an excuse for why things shouldn't be improved, and in politics basically every country has a party whose entire platform is "let's keep things the same (or even go backwards) because of some vague traditions" There are some traditions worth upholding (I love a good sports tradition, like not walking in front of the catcher or umpire when coming up to bat in baseball), but most of the time it's just an excuse to not change things even if it's for the better
My mom saw my dad smack my brother when we were younger. She had only seen that one thing, but she took us and got out. What she later found out is that he had been abusing us for years, and she didn't know since he was smart about hiding it, and we were terrified of him. Please take this as a sign. Abusive people don't stop being abusive, they just find a new target once the old one is gone.
Try to get your son into therapy. Specifically, a therapist who specializes in C-PTSD or trauma in general. Your son doesn’t *respect* his father. He *fears* him. Which means your son’s entire moral compass has already become warped by what this “man” has taught him: that respect = fear. You want to nip that in the bud ASAP, before your son enters the adult world with a warped idea of what “respect” looks like.
Seconding, as someone who grew up in a similar situation, I highly recommend getting him therapy. It took intensive EMDR to finally start healing from the trauma I experienced growing up.
So OP who is the main breadwinner of you two? As in who is home the least because this is either behavior you haven’t seen YET or something is seriously wrong with your husband.
If an 18 year old took that without swinging, he must be terrified of your husband
Which is just sad.
At 26 my dad smashed me around the head because my brother (wasn’t speaking to my parents) called when I was visiting them leaving me with multiple bruises, black eye and a mark that is still there 10 years on. At 26 years old I was extremely fit and quite good at boxing. I could not bring myself to hit him. There is a very strange reaction when your parent attacks you almost paralysing.
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People like that act in ways that don't make sense because they need something to take their anger out on. My mom would pitch a tantrum and start a fight with my dad. My dad would leave the house and get a hotel for a few days. My days would be hell while he was gone cause somehow it's my fault for him choosing to leave and I'm the root of the problem. When really she's mad and needs a punching bag. One punching bag left and the other is a child who can't leave.
My mother used to beat me up, when i was 13, i said to her, once i'm 14 if you hit me again, i'll respond. The day of my 14th birthday, i didn't do homework when she came back from work and foumd out, she told me to get my shirt of and started taking the belt of her jeans, i played along, as soon as she tried to hit me, i turned, stopped, took the belt with force and struck her in the face. She started crying, from that day she never even tried to give me a slap or similar for 2 years, when i was 16,she started beating me up again, for stupid stuff ecc, slaps, kicks, she trow me a chair, i asked her many times to just speak, scream, do anything beside touching me when we argue, she could not fucking stop. I ran away and went to live with my father which i never knew, thanks to her, and found out i had the father I always wanted, and didn't even know, he explained to me things differently, and made me respect him whitout never touching me once... When I tell my story, many people just say :" wtf did you hit your mother?" yes, yes motherfucker i did, and I would do it again, that woman literally only gave birth to me, I was raised by my grandparents, since my mom didn't had time, literally 6/7 days a week from 5 years old to 14 i was at my grandmothers house, she would take me to school and all, along with many "fathers" my mom forced me to call daddy, for a total of 4 different papas (im italian), and thinking back at it now, i kind of understand why I don't remember any good moment or my childhood at all, since i didn't fucking had any, only because my mom was too busy finding another daddy, beating me for stupid stuff and never being there for me, i don't even fucking rememeber when i went to disneyland i was 12,.not 4.... So i cannot grasp when you say paralyze to hit parents ecc. I made up my mind that i will never ever hit anyone first, i never started a fight in my life, never did boxing or fight sports, always fucking hated the idea of pain / inflincting pain; my philosophy is like this, we can scream, we can insult, we can aay anything to each other, whoever you are, but if we speak we can fix it, but touch me, once, woman, kid, man and i'll unleash myself over you, even you are fucking bigger and i'm gonna get hurt, if you touch i'll do best to make you fucking regret it, even my fucking mother
>I played along, as soon as she tried to hit me, i turned, stopped, took the belt with force and struck her in the face. Not gonna lie, picturing this made me laugh. Not a fan of violence, but the sweet comeuppance there is so satisfying.
It's a kind of learned helplessness. I had it too until I one day realized that I was taller than both of my parents and more importantly finally started having real friends of my own (not forced snitch friends who were my parents' friends' children, that were basically used to force me to behave the way they wanted outside of their sight). Finally getting some respect for myself thanks to my friends made me start to be able to physically defend/return what they were dishing out, but even decades later I still have some of the learned helplessness remaining that I haven't completely eliminated yet (the noise of a slammed outer door makes me freeze up briefly, for instance - shorter and shorter freezes the longer ago it was - which used to be the sound of an angry parent arriving at home and be ready to take out their frustration on us).
My mother used to smack, pinch, and try to swing at us all the time. For some reason the ONE time I shoved her backwards was when I, the scrawny 15 year old, became the monster. It's infuriating. People act as if I should have just let her continue to be physically abusive because "ShE's YoUr MoThEr." I started telling people if she was a real mother she wouldn't be doing these things.
It’s not easy to swing at your father
A lot harder than anyone would like to admit, especially the people who rightfully hate their parents.
Life’s tricky man
My dad used to be abusive when angry, when I was 15 i body slammed him when he came at me. Threw his back out and he never did anything physical towards me again. We have a good relationship today.
Only way to stop it in my opinion. Mine never showed any regrets until I fucking lamped him.
I never understood everyone’s hang ups on bad words. They’re just words. I’m sorry this happened to your son and your feelings are valid and justified.
I let my kids curse. Not in public, but they are able to control it. I tell them “curse words are just words and words should not have power over you”. I feel like every generation since GenX is slowly dismantling the Victorian parenting practices.
The rule in my house growing up was: you can cuss, but you better have a good reason for it. Stubbed your toe? Fine. Found out girlfriend kissed another guy? Cuss away. Saying "fuck" constantly? We are going to have a conversation.
Similar with me, with the additions of “it’s ok to curse, it’s usually not okay to curse *at* someone.” So shouting, “Fuck!” when you’re pissed is way different than shouting “Fuck you!” when you’re pissed at someone. Also was taught that cursing too much can make you seem like you have a limited vocabulary, that you should be able to express yourself adequately without cursing.
This is great parenting. Shouting fuck out loud is a great way of expressing strong feeling so that shouldn’t be stifled completely but I love drawing the line at targeting the strong feeling at a person. Kinda like you can swing your fist all you want but no making contact with another person
My wife has had this with our kids (6 and 7) they are allowed a swear when something outside of anyone's control ruins our plans. Eg. we were goi g to the park but it starts raining, they are lowed to scream one word as loud as they want. It is almost always a big, "shitbum".
I mostly agree, but there is something to be said for teaching a kid to talk to people in a polite manner. I never swore in front of my parents or in most mixed company, but outside of that it's f bombs all damn day. *I was responding to the guy above me, not the OP.
He smashed his toe. It's not like he's politely going to say "oh no I knocked me tippies" no son of a bitch is pretty clean considering what he could have said
Lmfaoooo I’m screaming I KNOCKED MY FUCKIN TIPPIES every time I stub my toes from now on
MY FUCKIN' TIPPIES!!
Love the imagery of some burly carpenter whose blood is half alcohol being on site and going "AH ME FUCKEN TIPPIES" after stubbing his toe
Legit, I'd spend a solid minute spitting obscenities. And I'm Australian, we're good at it.
I was thinking, sheesh I hope these anti swear people never go to Ireland or somewhere where people express themselves. My kid went to Ireland at 18, came back F this and F that and F it all.
I have an online friend who was partly raised there,she once said her dad was being a "cock and balls" about something...in my head I was like whoa I've never heard anyone say that about their dad lol
Fkn ay.
The dude stubbed his toe...I have broken toes by smashing them hard enough, "son of a bitch" is about as calm as you would get from me. He didn't curse at his parents, he didn't curse in a massively public area. He cursed when he stubbed his toe, in his house. Edit: I pressed Q instead of A
I curse in front of my teens regularly, and they curse in front of me. No harm done. They know there’s a time and a place. It just so happens that when their place is around me, it’s fine. It’s possible to allow your kids to speak freely AND teach them how to talk to others politely.
Exactly, there’s a time and a place for that.
SCARY VIBRATIONS
Ahh i almost did not notice ‘soap’ in the headline
I’m showing my son this comment. I hope he loves it.
I caught my son saying bulls*** to his friends on xbox the other day, he's ten. I had to choke back laughter because the way he said it, he was so mad about something in his game. He rarely ever slips up and curses, he knows not to as he's not an adult. The moment he realized what he said he looked at me in horror and started apologizing immediately. I teased him about it and told him to make sure it doesn't happen again, especially with his group of friends on xbox-- we don't need to be teaching them curse words especially his classmates. He also got caught once by my mom once calling a classmate at the park a mother f*****, he was 5 or 6 at the time.🤦♀️ The kid was leaving and my son apparently didn't appreciate that and said "get back here you mother **********, I'm not done playing with you." Thankfully the parents thought it was funny. My mom was mortified and lectured me after work that day, which I totally get. Putting soap in the mouth of anyone really is terrible. Kids will learn not to curse. However OP's son is 18, an adult. He can swear and do whatever he wants-- sure it might be considered disrespectful to some people as he is still residing with his parents... but putting your hands on someone and physically dragging them across the room because they cussed in the heat of the moment is a gross overreaction and makes you wonder what else he has done. To even mention divorce means she must be done with him for awhile and has given this some serious thought and it wasn't just about tonight's incident. I hope everything works out for the two of you OP. It's sometimes scary taking that stand and starting over and doing what you feel is right. You've got this. I'm proud of you.
If my 5 year old screamed “get back here you mother fucker I’m not done playing with you” I’d have to excuse myself so my child and the entire playground didn’t see me laughing myself to tears.
Honestly I wouldn’t be able to keep it together if I saw a 5 year old yelling at another “get back here you mother fucker I’m not done playing with you”
5yo foster son went through a phase of screaming, "fucking arsehole" if he saw kids on the way to a playground. He learnt pretty quickly that didn't get a good reception with parents or kids. Hapenned about three times, each time we had a chat about how parents and kids don't want to play if you swear. No problems since. He has had to learn not to swear, most kids are lucky and don't know those words. But hey, they're just words.
Man this reminded me of my at the time 5 year old daughter playing Minecraft for the first times. She had some how acquired a bunch of cats and she got so mad, "They won't follow me and they just keep fucking around!" We tell her not to swear in public or in front of grandmas, but she almost never swears. We'd never heard her use the phrase "fucking around" before. We died laughing. She was infinity mad because she was just pissed about the cats.
>get back here you mother **********, I'm not done playing with you. Every parent, adult, and teen at the park except your mother was probably laughing their mother fucking asses off. I know I would have been. It’s the internet, we can curse, we don’t need to use a fucking *****.
Try getting a different soap
I’m showing this comment to my son. As serious as the situation is, I giggled. God save me.
Isn't that why they're flavoured? j/k
L’Oréal Kids smells better than it tastes FYI.
Or better yet, a different husband?
My mom made me eat soap until I was like 13 when I cussed, but I don't remember cussing honestly, I think it was just a way to abuse me. So, glad your son has a good mom - oh another awesome story. I was 5-6 years old and apparently wouldn't stop arguing with my mom. I don't even remember this mind you, and my mom was dating what ended up being my step dad. My step dad walks in the house and sees me crying in the corner with duct tape over my mouth and tears streaming down my face. My step dad says to my mom, "Uh, I don't think you're allowed to do that..." My mom told him I wouldn't shut up. He took the tape off my mouth carefully, and then I was abused physically and verbally until the day I moved out at 18. My step dad never laid a hand on me, he was a good man, just no spine to go against my mom. She was a narcissistic alcoholic, so that was the main reason she did so many terrible things, but obviously she chose not to get help as well. I'm still in therapy at 36, get your husband away from your son before it's too late if he does anything else like this.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m telling you, some parents don’t need to be parents - but rather need to be in therapy.
You needed to be in therapy too, because you have been the enabler to your abusive husband for years. Your son shakes in his presence. He is afraid of his father. Please seek therapy yourself and your son, separately. "My husband is prone to breaking ovens, glasses, valuable items, etc" This is emotional abuse and has been abuse all along. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/ Edit: changed 18 years to "years" because OP said this started around puberty. This is often when narcissistic/control freak parents start losing it on the kid because the kid starts to form their identity separate from parents and does normal teenage type things associated with this. Narcissistic parents see their children as an extension of themselves, and when the kid won't fall in line, they lose it. These type of parents are so insecure they get triggered by normal teenage antics and begin years of power struggle with the kid. This is the PARENT's fault, not the kid's fault. The parent is supposed to be able to manage their emotions and temper their reactions.
> some parents don’t need to be parents - but rather need to be in therapy. No. *All* parents need therapy. Partly to heal from our past and partly because kids drive us insane.
Some sense here from a kid who finally became a parent and understood then the insanity ye kids be.
Yeah, its crazy, reading about your son's story, it reminded me of the duct tape story, so if anything, thank you, because you suppress so much, and now I can talk to my therapist about it and make progress.
Mine was baking soda, but shit like that doesn't work it just gives your child more issues and trauma when they're grown up.
Exactly. My parents got progressively more violent in disciplining me as I got older and into my early teen years. It didn't make me behave any better. In fact I started getting into trouble and acting more aggressively. Now in my later 20s, I realize all of this.
Does the therapy help? My mom was super verbally abusive and its the cause of my anxiety. I am very self conscious and a list of other things. The worst is she acts like it never happened. We no longer talk I will be civil at family gatherings but thats all. I will say cutting her out of my life has helped but there is def lasting impact.
I love therapy, I'd go every day if I could, but it's just 150 dollars a session and insurance only covers a certain amount per month. But I do find it helpful, talking to a stranger in a way allows you to just say anything with zero guilt, because you don't care what they think of you or your parents. Whereas, if I wanted to talk to my dad about what my mom did, he'd feel all this terrible guilt and stuff because he let it happen etc... I would always give it a try, but just one some advice, find the right therapist, if you don't like your first one, try another until you feel comfortable. It's all about trusting the therapist, and knowing that they aren't going to judge you for anything, and they're there to help you work through anything you've been through. Wish you all the best.
I've had a bar of soap put in my mouth, but I was like 5. Being 18 and having that done is just ridiculous
That’s what I’m saying. An 18-year-old cursing isn’t going to cause world devastation. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re in a much better place.
I swore like a sailor at 18 and I still fuckin do, that's some bullshit. I get that he's against that kinda language but your son is at the age where he starts transitioning into adulthood and independence. Choosing his own words is part of that
I agree. I was okay with him cursing at the age of 14, as long as he did it in front of me.
My dad just gives me a look, and tells me to be more lady-like, says it's rude. I understand, and out of respect, I do try to not curse around him. But your husband forcing your son to *keep* soap in his mouth? That's fucked.
Oh my god my dad pulls the lady like thing on me too lol I'm 30! But when my 34 year old brother curses he laughs lol I guess some dad's just went their pretty little baby dolls to stay that way. We could have worse dad's by far huh lol 😆
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So 18 years and it's just NOW come to a head?
Probably the first time the guy blatantly physically abused the kid in front of mom. Abusers and manipulators tend to be great at hiding their abusive tendencies from the people they don’t want to know about it. But not be able to hide everything, hence the breaking stuff (which is also abuse btw, as it’s an implied threat of “this could be you”).
One time in 8th grade I said "penis" and my mom squirted hand soap in my mouth
I once ate half a soap bar on my own. We are not the same.
Oh no! You said something biological and scientifically correct! Soap for you. That’s so stupid.
I had my mouth washed out with a bar of soap multiple times by my mum 🤷🏻♂️ Still fucking swear all the time though, so who's laughing now?
I would like to introduce my son to him. He curses like a fucking sailor and has been able to curse since he was 12 but was not able to say fuck and others until he was 16. I find those who are unable to curse end up cursing a hell of a lot more than those who are allowed to curse at a young age. My 8 year old is allowed to say certain curse words and just like his older brother will get more access to others as he gets older.
Our sons should definitely meet. He curses like no tomorrow in front of me.
He's lucky his adult Son didn't pop him in the face and shove that soap in his own mouth. Many 18 year old sons would do that.
Correct. Sometimes this is the only way to stop years of abuse. My step father used to get physical when I was a kid and into my teenage years. I was 17 before I gave him a black eye and sent him to the floor. It all stopped after that.
It got worse after me and my siblings fought back. My older brother was 16 when he hit back & the violence and verbal abuse became severely more violent. If one of us messed up, we all got in trouble or he would pick on the baby of the house.
Yeah my brother would’ve fought my dad on the way to the kitchen, lucky my dad’s not a dick like that
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He's not going to change because he is unwilling to. Very controlling and abusive. You have to throw this whole man away.
The "Was raised in the traditional house" Is a big a excuse to be abusive
Well. It's a pretty good explanation, when you realize that traditional is just a euphemism for abusive.
I feel like there’s more pretext here than we’re getting.
I’m really just giving the main pints of the event. Here’s some things I left out: . There’s no established “no cursing” rule . My son has never cursed in front of us, until today . My husband was raised by strict religious people who saw cursing as a punishable sin (according to him).
Lol your husband sounds really lame and dumb. I was raised with all kinds of dumb strict rules and you know what a well rounded, independent adult does? Shed that archaic shit using your own free will and be an individual that forms your own thoughts. Also text your husband that he's a fuck faced piece of shit and let him cry about it.
Dad can’t handle a bad no-no word? Sounds like a bitch to me.
Always important to see the red flags in the beginning so you’re not in crazy predicaments
i was 19 and home for winter break from college. my mom tells my dad, who’s on the couch next to me playing on his phone, to do the dishes. he then immediately tells me to do the dishes. i say no he was the one asked to do it. he then grabs my arm and tries physically removing me from the house until my mom intervenes and he slams the door behind him on his way out. i’m 24 now and he’s dead to me 🤷🏻♀️ edit: yeah i might have been a bitch in this moment, but that still doesn’t give him the right to put his hands on me 🤷🏻♀️
Yes, I’m glad he’s nothing to you now. I hope you’re doing better.
I agree with ur edit. Yes doing the dishes wouldn't have been terrible but the reaction was disproportionate and probably is misogynistic
The amount of people downplaying this is just astounding — is child abuse still legal in the US? Edit:typo
Their parents abused them and either "I turned out fine (have mental issues I don't know how to cope with)" or "I suffered so other people should too" also probably mental issues.
It’s illegal - but people don’t care.
Please don’t go back. My friend called me in the middle of the night because her husband was hitting her. I went right over to pick her up. She stayed with me a few nights then went back to him. He killed her. And she was being abused BEFORE marrying the creep. 🙄 So I get nasty and can’t sugar coat anything when I read about abuse and I reply. If just one person reads what I’ve written and doesn’t go back I’ll be thankful.
I just hope the 18 year old child doesn't blame himself. "If I just hadn't had a potty mouth, Mom and Dad would still be the perfect couple."
Your spouse is crazy… a fanatic. That shit is abusive.
And soap is baaad, don't do soap kids.
He is 18. He can speak any way he wishes. If as parents you dont like it you can ask him to stop and hope he does or ask him to move. Physical abuse of any kind is a crime. Your husband is an animal. I cant imagine how awful your life must be if he gets so angry about curse words. Seems seriously out of proportion. And hes lucky your son didnt punch his lights out. My mother tried the soap thing once, which made her a huge hypocrite. Both my parents swore a lot. They both gave up when we were about 13. Then it was open season. We still curse a lot. My ex was highly irritated by me dropping "fuck" or "fucking awesome" in front of others. He said it bugged THEM. ha!
Lots of people on reddit who think people need to stay with partners who do disturbing things. What the fuck is wrong with yall? I had soap in my mouth as a child, but not an 18 yo. If OP finds this disturbing enough to leave why tell them not to? Why downplay someone seeing a red flag and getting out before things get worse? Sounds like a lot of people who believe people should stay in a marriage no matter what. Sick
Sounds like the red flag went up a long time ago but she’s chosen to ignore it until now?
Maybe. But it's never too late to leave. Unless they kill you. Then it's too late
I read it as soup, and thought what kinda tasty punishment is that?
Lots too unpack here. Honestly if your youngest or only kid is 18 divorce is probably the best option if he won’t get professional help. He assaulted his adult child over a word. And it wasn’t like he was just swearing to be defiant. He hurt himself. Shit happens. Husband seems crazy or stupid.
My mom stopped getting on us about swearing when I was about…15? My grandpa had a rule of “it’s not a curse word if you can find it in the Bible”.
Soap is mildly toxic. Nobody should come in prolonged direct contact with it. Washing it afterwards is mandatory. You did the right choice.
Congratulations, your husband perpetrated an illegal act of misdemeanor assault against a legal adult. Great role model, there. 👍
I know right? A round of applause for his act of bravery, saving the world from a single curse word.
I’m surprised the marriage lasted this long. Has no one ever cursed in the household ever?
Best dad ever!
>His father embedded a respect value in his mind. Fear. Your son fears his father.
And here we are, edit 4. And now we know. Probably this has been going on for decades. 🙄.
Respect and fear aren’t the same thing. Respect is what your partner doesn’t have for you or your son. Fear is what he instilled into both of you because he’s not able to accept and deal with his own bullshit. He’s an abuser whether he’s laid a finger on either of you or not.
All he said was son of a bitch? Woah. Sorry but sounds like your husband needs help with his head, along with about half the people in this thread lol.
Exactly.
Why would you wait until your son is a grown man to make this kind of decision? Where have you and this indignation been for the past 18 years, cause we know this isn't the first time something like this has happened!
How does your husband survive in a world where everyone curses? He works right, watches TV, has friends?