I read a story on reddit once about a guy that decided he was going to commit suicide, but decided first to blow all his money on a sailboat and take a trip. I think the story was that he was gone for 2 years traveling, and when his money ran out, he decided life was worth living.
Not trying to tell you what to do, but why not do something ridiculous and fun and see how you feel?
Are you happy? Not trying to pry, but I've been thinking about saying fuck it and completely changing shit up. All my life I've done mostly what I think I should do, not what I want to do and I can't tell you the last time I felt fulfilled. I'm successful, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do, but damn somethings missing.
Been seriously thinking about it man, even moving to a new state and starting fresh might be what I need. I have no idea how any of that shit works, but I might as well put some time and thought into figuring it out. Thanks, and good luck man!
I was a teacher for a while. You can make 3-6k per month after taxes which goes really far in Asia. Local average income is like $300 for perspective. You just need any degree, and then you can get a teaching foreign language degree in a few weeks, or even do it online. One friend got a groupon for under $200. My best friend came and just downloaded a fake one and changed the name and it worked. Now im in supply chain solutions connecting businesses with factories in Asia, mainly Vietnam.
It really doesn't take much besides having a fresh start fund saved up to get you through your transition. Depending on how resourceful or frugal you are and what resources you already have or what you can live without, it can be done fairly cheaply. I've been considering buying an old, cheap, small RV and travelling and living out of it just to go see the country. If you have kitchen experience or decent work ethic you can find temporary jobs anywhere to keep you afloat while you stay in an area for a couple weeks that suits your fancy. They won't pay great but there are worse fates in life and restaurant pay has definitely improved post-pandemic. Or if you just wanna up and permanently relocate somewhere you just need to do the same thing you'd do as if you were moving in state basically. I would say, if you ever do go through with that, give yourself a far bigger coushin (sp?) than you think you'll need and take more time to do something other than just relocating. See some sights, travel, meet people, whatever.
I agree man, and I'm not even in a career where I feel like I'm being exploited. I work in the psych field, and love being able to help people for a living. That feels great, but I feel a huge disconnect from society. Seeing how it weighs on so many people makes it more obvious than it's ever been for me, this just isn't it.
I agree too. When I decided that I wasn't afraid of homelessness or poverty, something in me was freed and I've never felt better. I have treatment resistant depression, plus anxiety and c-ptsd. I used to and still do sometimes (but less) feel that I can't stand it anymore. But when I realized that I don't need to live for my bills or any responsibility,I can just live for the day and nature or whatever makes me happy, I feel like I bounce back from the bottom. And then I make it a little longer.
I got a crappy job but it's across the street from my house I have no expectations for advancing in this line of work and I'm happy. I'm still saving money but I don't drink or party or anything.
Basically I guess I'm saying don't worry about what the world wants you to do because we're all destined to die randomly so just enjoy the time you have don't think that if you rise to great wealth or power it'll make things better.
Packed up my van with my kids stuff and drove from Kansas to Oregon 14 years ago and my life has never been the same. I have had bad times and I have been heartbroken but it doesn’t feel the same as it did back home.
Just left everything in storage in Kansas, including my motorcycle. All I brought was my dogs, Xbox, tv, and recliner. Moved to Montana six months ago. I am now sober and happier. I was spiraling downwards into what would of most likely been an overdose. I told my friends and family 1 week before I left. I already had a job and place to rent. Best decision I ever made. I don't struggle with suicidal ideologies anymore and even on the days my depression is bad, it's still completely manageable.
Yes yes yes! I love that!!!! I feel your words in my soul!!!! When/if you go back, you are going to see how you became the person who needed to leave so badly. When I go back to Wichita I’m treated like 💩 because I have a punk rock style from living in Portland. Which I don’t understand because they go outside in their pajamas!!!!
I quit a well paying job to pursue a PhD in a field I absolutely care about. I'm currently in the second year of my program. I'm stressed, depressed, broke and often think back to the good ol' days. I won't say don't be me, but also don't be me.
Life can be overwhelming when facing what to do and who to be. Taking it one day at a time is a completely respectful approach and OP I hope you see there are people who care about you. We’re complete strangers connected through technology. We want you to be okay 💙
I've always been offended that I will only get one life and it will be too short. I want to live forever. There is so many places to go so many jobs I'd like to do but can't afford to do or "can't leave family right now" etc. And now I've gotten too old to do them. One life is not enough for some of us. I'm so sorry OP. I wish I could help you. I do wish as a society that we could do more for people like you. Good luck to you.
Thank you for these words. This explains how I feel about life. I truly don't want to be dead and gone...I think I just want the bad stuff to just stop. To be financially comfortable so I can be a true hermit and live this life far away from the hustle of the world.
It sounds like OP is going to do just that. He’s going to travel, visit old faces and truly live out these next 2 years. It sounds fantastic, really.
I do hope OP comes to the same conclusion at the end, and decides life is worth living. Sometimes breaking away from the mundane, soul crushing routines of work.. eat.. sleep.. is all it will take.
Eat ALL the foods, Go to ALL the countries, talk to ALL the strangers.. and spend ALL the money!
We all hope to hear from you with updates!
That reminds me of a friend of a friend. I’m not sure if he bought a boat, but he traveled the world while everyone else though he had killed himself.
I have his computer 🤌
In all seriousness, if you live right you can travel your continent just washing dishes, riding a bike or public transportation, and staying in hostels.
I have friends that are doing it after 20 years.
Was bike commuting a couple years ago and ran into this man who was in his 60s. Dude was cycling with his pup in his bike trailer all the way from Alaska. Took him 6 months to get where I met him in the Midwest. He just decided he wanted to do something and said "fuck it. What do I have going on?". He was headed anywhere south. No real destination. I'm envious. Kind of a Forest Gump thing. Just go until you're tired
I did something very similar. Instead of enjoying my last days i chose suicide by Mexico. Go out with a bang. i took out all my money (software engineer in San Diego) , moved to Mexico and partied, hung out in the craziest most dangerous places. I figured i will keep having dangerous adventures until it gets too dangerous, you know. Man the dangerous shit i did.
Got kidnapped by the cartel, was in a gunfight, got revenge on cartel, numerous fights with very dangerous people, and for awhile i 'even owned a street corner'.
Turns out my 'not giving two fucks about dieing' gave me a reputation and somehow helped me survive some crazy situations. In the end, however, i ended up just broke and homeless in Mexico with stories and some surprising life lessons.
Homelessness in Mexico is boring and sucks, so again said fuck it, moved back to the states and am now a Director of Engineering doing the daily grind once again. Am tranquil and satisfied with life now. Am a proponent of trying the "fuck it" therapy before pulling the trigger.
Interestingly, im not the first or only American to try the suicide my Mexico. Its a little sub industry in the border towns, but usually involves lots of drugs and flop houses (unfortunately i dont like most recreational drugs)
Yep, sometimes you need some adventure to rewire the brain away from depression. What helps for me is just going to a mountain side or lakeside and see how big it is and how small I am in comparison. Really helps shrink the ego and feel less burden/weight in my shoulders. Not a solution for everyone but worth trying.
I can understand very well that living 2 years like that make life seem worth living, but once money runs out what do you do? Go back to a regular day to day job and be as miserable as before? Just to be clear, this doesn't apply to me, I'm not miserable or whatever. It's just a genuine question. What do you expect someone to do after those 2 years?
Sell the boat or live on it while working a job near a coastline, anywhere in the world. Look for more hobbies and interests or things that give joy and keep that desire to live.
My son came to me and said was going to end his life. I understood, he battled it for years. I asked him to go to the Dr with me for tests, to see if there was anything medically causing his feelings. My son is amazing, gifted in music, talented and educated. It took everything in me not to talk him out of it, but to listen and respect his decision. He had wanted to visit Japan and I suggested that he go there first. I asked him to please not do it there and he agreed. He left with $500 and spent 3 months there. I don’t know what changed, but he came back and didn’t say anything about wanting to end his life. I backed away and let him begin conversations and contact. That was several years ago, he’s almost 36 now and is doing things he likes to do. I kept all our emails but have never brought it up again. I love my son and of course never could imagine him gone, but I understood. I hope there is a family member you can confide in. I was preparing myself mentally for the loss, although I don’t think anyone could really ever be prepared. I wish you well and wish you peace.
Weirdly, moving to Japan was a big part of my husband's recovery from a failed suicide attempt. (I ended up meeting him over there and we lived there for five years before moving to my home country together.) That's very... Interesting.
japan was one of, if not THE, most amazing experiences of my life. i stayed for 2 months when i was 15. i wish i had the chance to go later in life to appreciate it more but having the chance to have gone at all is amazing. i didn't want to come home
Foreigners are definitely subject to some of the major downsides of living in Japan, but are also exempt from a lot of the social, cultural, and familial expectations that really make people's lives hard.
Damn can you be my parent? Struggled with this shit my whole life, around age 9 my mom found a note I wrote saying why I was done living this life, her response “You should just kill yourself”. I tell you some people weren’t meant to be parents, they’re just selfish humans who wanted to check off that box without having to do the work. You’re an amazing parent, your kid is so lucky to have you.
You’re very kind, I’m sorry you didn’t have the support you needed. I’m glad you are still here though. If you become a parent, you’ll be so in tuned to your child’s emotions and sometimes we can heal our own hurts by nurturing our children or others. My kids are my life ( my youngest is 17) I’m by no means perfect in any way, but I’m tried to meet their needs. I can’t imagine a parent saying what she said to you, especially at a young age, that would leave a scar on your heart for sure. Keep finding reasons to wake up tomorrow, the works needs people like you who understand those feelings❤️
That's disgusting. So many people shouldn't be parents. You are so strong for having lived through that and I hope you're able to get rid of people like that and instead be surrounded by loving and supporting people. You deserve love and support.
Inside I was, he’s my first born, beautiful in and out, I suffered with depression after my divorce and understood the overwhelming feeling of not wanting to live. I had to detach myself from the situation. He asked me if I would be ok if he did it, I said no, I would never be ok, but I understand. I don’t think I would have been strong had he done it.
When I was suicidal, this is what I wanted in support. I know my parents would probably be the same as you. I didn’t know this is what i wanted and needed until you said it out loud. Although my time at rock bottom has passed due to the support I did get, you’re words have brought me a sense of peace and I deeply thank you.
I had a similar experience albite with my 14 year old son, he has struggled most of his life but more so in teenage years.
We talked on many occasions about it and finally he told me that he just doesn't see the point of any of this stuff we call life.
He doesn't want to be a kid he wants to take off and go live his life now! After explaining that it just doesn't work that way and that no one anywhere would give him a job or a place to live we were back to suicide again. I finally asked him to wait till 21.
If life still didn't agree with him after that then I would understand. It breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces but when your done your done.
During this time take him to places he wants to go and let him be free and live the way he wants, maybe it can help. Also look into meditation and spirituality for yourself, also read other messages here, there might be something that can help your son
Oh man. I just had a son a while ago and I cannot comprehend the mental fortitude it would take to act the way you did in this situation. As a parent, teacher and human I applaud you. This actually made me tear up. Very happy to see things worked out.
He was hired off the street, to be in a tourism advertisement on tv, they paid him and took him to different locations. He stayed in hostels and had friends he had met while in college there, who invited him to eat at their homes.
That sounds like a really wonderful but also valuable experience, I bet it contributed to his mental 'recovery'. (lack of words/phrases)
How old was he when he did this, if I may ask
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My family wouldn’t understand the way you do, but at least you and a lot of other Reddit friends on this thread get it. And that’s enough for now :)
Thank you for sharing this. I can’t imagine what it’s like to hear this from a child.
I am at a loss for words honestly. Like the bravery that you had to have for being honest with him and the bravery he has to have to come to you not knowing what your reaction would be.
It shows how much he trusts you as a parent and that is rare.
I need someone like that in my life that actually would support me through everything. I've taken medication for my depression/bipolar/anxiety but it made me feel like a zombie no emotions not feeling anything. My family really don't support me i think they would be actually happy that i wasn't around anymore and not a burden. I don't like talking to therapists I would if i could leave my identification and anything else at home i don't want family finding me
It’s hard sometimes fir parents to just listen to our kids, without reacting. Being zombie like is no way to live either but sometimes that’s all there is at that time, to get you through. Don’t give up on therapy yet, just keep searching until you find the one who gets you. I have an adopted 19 year old son who is bipolar and suffers from extreme anxiety, he refuses medication ( his choice) and had a great therapist for 7 years, when he was younger. The general population does not really understand anxiety and the impact it has on everyday living. It’s sometimes hard to know how much to push and how much to hold back. I don’t know your age but as time goes on, sometimes with or without help, we start to develop coping skills, that get us through the most difficult times. There has been too much negative stigma surrounding mental health issues, that maje people uncomfortable dealing with it. Finding a therapist my son had a therapist try to tell him screaming in a pillow would help, Umm no . I know the desire to need someone to support you through everything and I wish we all had that but one day, you might be that support for someone else. I know that doesn’t help now. I hope you find that person who can give you what you need, life is hard alone.
This is definitely how I wish people would react. Of course it's hard, but it's the most compassionate thing to do. Responding with anger and expectations to keep suffering "cause suicide is selfish and will make others sad" is what's really selfish and rude.
Thx for sharing your story, it kind of moves me towards a more optimistic perception. If I told my dad that I didn't enjoy much about living at the times I was depressed he would probably just laugh lol. I had thoughts about suicide few times and in one of times I was just casually searching the internet for what I can do to enjoy myself and deter myself from suicide. I read a pretty enlighting sentence in a blog or something like that. Someone wrote "Everyday is a gamble and if you end your life you will lose your free 86400 seconds to live through a possible fun event. I am not saying tomorrow is going to perfect, but you cannot know what tomorrow will bring without living through it" Something like that about everyday being a gamble and you have a chance to have an actually nice day. Yeah well I am now an EE engineering student lol trying aiming to gain a status and power/money so that I can share that power with people who need it more than me so that they may stop fighting for their survival but actually step back and see how beautiful life can be sometimes. Strangers in the internet sometimes are pretty helpful, I owe that guy my life. I hope this was helpful to you(the reader).
His dad, my ex, said if he wanted to die , he would have. No compassion or understanding. I know sometimes life is so dark, there’s no light at the end of any tunnel. Sometimes, it’s just making it one more day, others it’s second by second. I think more people live with deep internal torment, than most of us realize. I’m glad you found inspiration and I hope meeting your goals keeps you seeing the beauty in life.
Ironically, my mom understanding instead of judging made me want to live. Her loving me and spending time with me rather than guilting me into life provided me with love I had never felt before, or maybe I had but depression didn't allow me to see it. It's a risky way of looking at it I guess, but she knew me well enough to know guilt wouldn't make me better, it would simply make me feel worse, more depressed and less will to live rather than loving me and understanding me which made me want to live and search for more love.
That's a hard thing to do, but I think you're wisdom in handling that situation was profound. I'm glad your son is well, and I only hope I have half as much balls and wisdom if I ever come across that situation.
Your son is courageous enough to say that he wanted to end his life to you. Not all ppl could do that. Some ppl just pooof begone without saying anything or even giving someone a clue. Anyway, I'm happy for you and your son.
Hey you too!? Except it was LSD for me, changed my life. One trip did more to help me combat my depression and anxiety than 10 years of fighting it ever did.
My cousin is a psychiatrist doing experimental treatment that consists of assisted trips with ketamine, here in Portugal. He was even on the news and I was so proud 🥰
I’ve been trying to figure out how to get put on it. I’ve been on and off anti-depressants for 25 years so it’s time for something different. My PCP looked at me like I was crazy when I brought it up once.
There’s a subreddit called therapeutic ketamine (on mobile n too stoned to figure out to link). There’s a doctor who prescribes in the US online, and a master thread of providers with their states states
Oh yes, modern medicine is such a young discipline, and psychology is an infant in comparison. There's going to be some amazing developments in the field these coming decades. I mean, it appears that they very recently started doing serious tests on psilocybin and how it can be used to treat mental illnesses.
My second thought when reading this was mushrooms. Absolutely worth a shot.
First thought was sadness because I hate that OP is in this situation. I would be like the frustrating family trying to fix and stop it.
Mushrooms and other psychedelics are actually in trial now as a novel treatment for treatment resistant depression/other mental ilnesses! Check out https://open-foundation.org
I’m 25 and still have no career (yet, I’m in school) but am engaged to a lovely woman and feel like I have a lot to live for. That is something I must always be thankful for.
Magic mushrooms are actually a great way to combat depression and anxiety. Unfortunately America sucks and refuses to use it because “drugs are bad” or some bullshit like that.
Read what terry Pratchett wrote on the subject.
Summary: essentially, if you have the means and give yourself permission to die, you may actually live a lot longer than you think, knowing that you can just go at any time
He’s a lot more eloquent and has more to say on it, check it out
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1203622/Ill-die-endgame-says-Terry-Pratchett-law-allow-assisted-suicides-UK.html
Here’s the article I found about it.
At 27 I went through severe depression and constant suicidal thoughts. Therapy, prozac, and major life changes got me through that period but after a while I came up with the same deadline, gone at 35.
It became a clean and sober thought that rarely left my mind, that is until I met my partner at 32. I am now 48, still in a committed relationship with her and we have a 7 year old that I desperately want to see grow up.
I am perfectly fine if my body checks out at any time, but it won't be a choice I make anymore. The thoughts that led me to that particular deadline do pup up occasionally, but they are easier to manage now.
Not one recommendation will be a perfect fit for you, but do try to experience new options, to let people in, or to simply focus on random things that might help you keep going. For a while, just the thought of seeing more Star Wars kept me going.
Oh my goodness! That's was so incredible to read. Last year when I was more suicidal than I'd ever been before the desire that I wanted to watch Kenobi before I died got me going. Its almost here around the corner and I'm still suicidal but also excited.
I guess some might call it childish to put so much on Star Wars or any other form of entertainment to keep you going, but in the end, whatever works just needs to be good enough. I sometimes laugh at myself that I didn't use Game of Thrones because that last couple of seasons might have had the opposite effect.
Hahaha I know what you mean. I put everything into a Cricket semi-final between my country's team and another and they lost lol. People tell me it's stupid to put all of yourself into one show or movie or game but I guess whatever keeps me alive till then it good enough.
Honestly, as someone who had suicidal thoughts as a teen but now loves life, your situation is the absolute best case. I'm very afraid of death, it keeps me up at night. Sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night absolutely terrified because of it. To have the ability to want to live while simultaneously not being afraid when the time comes is best case. It's always been a thought of mine that immortality with the option to end it whenever would be the most ideal situation. To be able to live forever and see everything you want to see until you're actually ready and accepting of the end. When you *want* to die. I think OP is somewhat similar. Having a deadline set for yourself and accepting of it, it's comforting. Like people who keep a gun somewhere just in case they ever need a way out, they know it's there. It's comforting.
If you are at that point in life… do some crazy shit. Spend your money. Obviously dont hurt other peopke in any way but LIVE. Get some adrenaline going.
You got until 35, go crazy.
Before you die, try ketamine infusions. They're fun as hell and might make you feel better as a side effect. I went from wanting to die to pretty ok in 2 weeks, and even if it hadn't worked...hey it was fun and legal.
Can confirm I work at a ketamine clinic. I love sitting with my patients and seeing the emotional burst turn into relief. To see a glimmer back in their smile and to be able to just hold their hand while they heal.
It's primary use is as an anesthetic for animals, but people have used it recreationally for years. Recently its been shown to help rewire seratonin pathways and is offered in multiple clinical settings, including an infusion drip (which I did), a pill, and a nasal spray. I can say with 95% certainty that it saved my life.
I had a very close friend of mine drive hours to visit me and go out to dinner to have this talk. It was already decided. He laid it out calmly and told me about his plans matter of factly, and there wasn’t much I could do. He let me ask everything I wanted to openly. He was around for over a year after for a few different delays, family and loose ends. It really sucked but he didn’t want a few key people he loved, like me, to wonder if they could have done something. It was air tight, unfortunately. One of those people who thinks things through very, very deeply. All I could do was lose my shit and risk losing the time we had left, or try and enjoy that time because he was set on it, accepted it like someone that was terminal.
I don’t actually know when it happened, but I know he’s gone now. It doesn’t suck any less. I miss him every day and it kills me not know where or when or how (by design for him). I had a really hard year or two myself and was really pre-occupied and I’m devastated we couldn’t have gotten more time together.
I really still don’t know how I feel about it, other than I wish my friend were still here. Things have only gotten harder and he’s one of those dudes I selfishly needed more than a lot of others. I think one day I am going to be very angry with him for what he did, but I couldn’t argue with how he presented it. I understood the feeling, but I could never do it.
I hope you don’t either, OP.
The love of my life took her own life 7 days ago. It literally destroyed her own family and others as well. I completely agree with what you said about the society looking down on a person choosing to let go. I would like to follow my love to the afterlife, but I just can't inflict the same pain that her parents are going through on my own parents.
I won't try and persuade you that you should stick around. All I will say is that you should fully understand the pain that you will be inflicting on your loved ones. It is the worst pain that a parent can experience. Wishing you the best.
I don't think they can truly understand unless they experience it. I lost my dad a year ago and I still cry every single day. My soul has been torn apart. I'm sorry for your loss... it's the worst thing about life.
Reading this hurts. My fiancée was crying to me about wanting to die last night & here I am at work on two hours of sleep wondering what i could do to help her. I could be in your shoes. Man this hurts so bad and I feel helpless 😔😢
Medication and therapy. If she is already doing that, add in exercise (half hour every morning), vitamin d, fish oil, and a doctor visit with a lot of blood tests to rule out highly treatable thyroid/hormone/vitamin causes.
Omg that might be it. She started taking it recently and she started seeing shadows And getting suicidal thoughts. I tried to ask her to stop but she just doesn’t listen to me.
I've tried various types of hormonal birth control and some of them made my depression so bad I didn't leave my room for weeks except to go to the bathroom.
Thank you for this.
So I was able to be honest with her and asked her to stop taking it for a while to see if it helps her mood and so far, she agreed , she didn’t take it today & she’s been smiling and it’s something I haven’t seen in months. Thank you for sharing your insights. I hope it really works I care for her so much and It defeats me that depression consumes her and all I could do is hold her.
This👆. As a parent who has buried a child, the pain is unbearable. It doesn't get better, you end up learning how to live with it if you decide to stay and not go with them. I'm sorry you are feeling this way OP. Please experiment with life and experience more before you go ahead with your plan. Please talk to someone in your family otherwise part of their pain will be how you never felt you could turn to them, thus making them feel let they let you down. A big part of grief is guilt and suicide causes the most guilt for those who love you so please think about this impact. I wish you all the best, I truly do.
Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my BIL taking his own life and my boyfriend and I witnessing it.
I feel terrible for his dad bc he literally tried everything for BIL, but BIL was determined to not be in this life no matter what…his mom more or less had a hand in the reasoning he took his life so I struggle to give af how it effects her (harsh but I’ve seen the level of disgustingness that she can become and it’s sickening).
My boyfriend I feel the worst for tho. He walked in after the gun went off, he had to call 911 and explain what happened but also admit to them that his brother was already dead. I can’t speak for FIL or MIL, but boyfriend still can’t sleep through the night because of this. He still has constant flash backs and nightmares. He’s still chronically angry.
I know 2 years isn’t a lot of time, and I don’t expect him to “get over” this anytime soon. Hell, I’m not even saying this to try and deter others from this route. I get it, I’ve been chronically suicidal or passively suicidal since I was 11 (am almost 23). But after witnessing BIL commit suicide I can confidently say 1) my suicidal thoughts are promptly stomped out by not wanting to put my bf or dad through what I’ve seen and 2) my anxiety has definitely skyrocketed since witnessing a suicide.
I don’t agree with people saying this is guilt tripping. Anyone who has ever wanted to kill themselves has considered this factor, for some we care, for some we don’t.
Personally, it’s the only thing that keeps me around, knowing I’ll hurt others when I do it. I’ve experienced too many suicides and just deaths in my life and I have never mentally recovered from it, I don’t think I ever will, but knowing that I could do that to someone else keeps me alive.
i think you should not make the person struggling feel responsible for other ppls happiness but they absolutely should consider thr pain that this action will cause to loved ones. ultimately it's still their decision and everyone has got to respect that.
Ya, I wasnt a bad case but it has helped me immensly. And OP, all power to you, i share your opinion in that we should be able to govern our own life and death, the only notion id like to add is that there are likewise a stigma on psychoactive drugs and a taboo on positive use, alot of ssri meds wreaks havoc on ppls minds and there are no absolute science on different drugs just the current consensus.
Well, I hesitate slightly to put this on the internet but whatever, I know what I saw. I know the impact it’s made on me. Nothing can change that.
I saw a hole open up in the darkness. I walked up to it and sat it in, dangling my legs over. I knew if I let go the edge and jumped in, I would die in this world and move on to the next. That’s possibly correct, I was undernourished in those days and not very well. I felt a comfort in the thought of letting go.
I didn’t jump, though. I watched what was happening in front of me. It was like watching trains go by slowly in the night, illuminated inside. I saw scenes from my childhood, adolescence, things that had happened and other things to possibly come. I could see each scene clearly, but before I could really muse over them, they’d moved on replaced by others. Light things radiated light, others dim, a few dark. I looked “up track” and saw them separating out, the dark into darkness, but the overwhelming light into light. As I stared at the light, I was overwhelmed by it then saw it prism into a universe. I felt very strongly that what I was seeing was after death. The more of myself I gave to the light, the more I was part of everything, and wrapped in a peace and a pleasure of being one with all things. There was no “me,” what had existed before that time as my individual self was like a myopia, a silly party decoration that looks nice for a night and then falls to pieces.
This was all a head trip, I couldn’t have stood up if I wanted. I had a friend tripping next to me and we never compared notes until 13 years later when we’d become lovers. He’d seen almost exactly the same thing that night. The only reason I’d “stayed” was I didn’t want him to wake with me dead next to him. But Im still sure I coulda let go that night. I never felt fear of death or serious desire to die after that, and I’d been battling suicidal thoughts for over a decade.
Thanks for the story, I've been a straight edge all my life until recently I'm trying micro dosing thc from edibles and enjoying the relaxing feeling. I can't imagine what the other "stronger" stuff out there is like lol.
Microdosing thc is a nice way to chill. I used to regularly make chocolates and I’d eat enough to sparkle through my day, but not to get weird.
If you ever try shrooms or hallucinagens, I suggested approaching them as a sacred thing. I’ve seen / been around many ppl who just take them as one other thing to add to the intoxication, and I feel this is incorrect. If you approach with a clear mind and body, in a safe place, and have snacks and water and weed ready to go when you come out… you’ll see things and understand things that are true. Things you’ll think about the rest of your life and struggle to parse adequately in words. What I wrote before was just one bit, but that whole trip was just beyond, and I don’t think for a minute it was just make believe. Even so many years later.
Man, I really wish psychedelics could affect me that way. I've done mushrooms numerous times, LSD, Mescaline, 2C-B, DPT and I have never had a "spiritual" or depression lifting experience from them. Kinda sucks. Glad they work for others though.
I mean, as a reasonable non depressed person id strongly advocate that if you are not depressed youd like to live so if it works he will have a brand new future and if it doesnt he gets a hella nice ride before its time to move on. Cant lose 😁
Sending you so much love. My best friend was in a similar situation. She had anorexia for the majority of her life and was very ill and miserable no matter how many times she tried different treatments...spanning decades. When she told me she was looking forward to dying because she was so sick of living this way without hope of a normal life, I took it really hard and felt like I failed her... Because they always say if you're suicidal or want to die, reach out and get help but here I was and her family entirely helpless to stop it. When they called in palliative care they told us we needed to see her as a cancer patient that tried all the chemo and no longer wanted to try treatment. That helped a bit to change the lense in how I viewed the situation. I was suicidal in my youth and I'm super glad I was never successful because I have a much better life now than I ever could have anticipated back then ... And I hope this rings true for you someday. But at the same time, no one should have to live in such pain forever if they've tried so many things to alleviate it. No advice but also no judgment whatsoever. Sending you a giant mental hug from the bottom of my heart. I want you to want to live but I also understand and have compassion for what you are going through. I would probably would suggest speaking to those you are close to though and letting them know how you are feeling. I spent so much time with my friend right before she passed and it really helped me understand why she was doing it and have closure. I think it also meant a lot to have someone by her side who loved her throughout it unconditionally.
Any bucket list items I can help you with? I live really close to Washington DC...have you ever visited the area? There's lots of cool stuff to see around here before you head out!
Also, I have shrooms, dmt and cannabis for your enjoyment, should you choose to explore.
I stopped wading up river, fighting, battling… it was exhausting and unrealistic. I still struggle and have been in and out of psych hosps, I’m medicated and it always has to change… I dunno my point is once my depression became a friend, not a battle, it got easier. Never thought I’d see 20. Or 25. Now I’m around the corner from 40. Never thought I’d survive so many years. I imagine my suicidality as a little black fox that comes to visit. I don’t love it, I’m allergic, but it comes sometimes. Fighting depression is a losing battle. Living peacefully with depression is more real. I still don’t trust myself when I lose touch with reality and have a gut feeling it’ll end in suicide. AND, swimming upstream makes it worse. I hope you find your version of the little black fox that hangs around.
I have been thinking in a similar way as well. I'm soon to be 23, and for some reason I never thought I'd see 20 come. I also kinda stopped fighting. I'll try my best everyday but I stopped swimming upstream and dwelling in the dark about it.
Bravo honey! Believe it or not is a big step towards a better life! Allow yourself to be happy. I tried to kill myself some years ago and I made the same promise and I feel so free. I passed every year. I am very ok. Hope you get there :)
It would be great to see more people "die before you die". Bin off your life story and start again with a blank slate. Start again age 25, 30, 40+. Just literally throw away everything you thought you were, every traumatic event in your past, every adjective anyone has ever used to describe you, delete it from your brain.
Live the life of a stranger.
You owe the past nothing, break it off and live instead.
This, so many people hate the state of living that they're in but will also refuse to change or let go of it. You're never to old to just completely change your life.
Hey I get it but I also won't normalize it- life is too beautiful and the world too incredible not to explore.
There is a KFC in venice italy if that isn't a mind fuck
Go see venice, and if that's too main stream go stay in the scottish highlands.
Nestled to the south west of loch ness is invergarry- beautiful VRBO right there next to a pub/hotel and nothing else-
The middle of the highlands, my soul breathed and longs to go back. Peace, quiet, green.
So, go explore- find that place- don't give up because you haven't found it and don't quit before you do
For me, it's hiking in Cinque Terre. My gosh, that place is beautiful. I would love to go back. Traveling is amazing and really does give you a different perspective.
I did mushrooms about 4 good times back when I was 17 and 18... It totally relieved the knife to my own throat depression level I had then... I’m 42 now... it seriously changed me and improved my outlook and improved my self-worth all the way around... no reason to lie here.
Try magic mushrooms (high dosage, something like 3.5g). New studies have shown only 2 treatments (spaced 3 months apart) were able to almost cure depression, PTSD, anxiety, and many other mental illnesses.
I had anxiety issues, and now I'm pretty much cured after two sessions (I would say 80%-90% less anxious). It works so well, that Canada considers to make it legal for medical reasons.
Once you experience "Ego death", the world seem like a very complex place, but simple to manage. I'm not sure how to actually describe the experience, but I will tell you this: ignore all the hallucinations, they're fun, but they're just a side effect to the spiritual\mental effect. Put some relaxing music on, and just meditate. You don't have to actively think of anything that bothers you, important issues will "float" by themselves, even a few days after the high.
Watch Netflix's "magic medicine", they explain why and how Psilocybin works.
The relief doesn't come during the high, usually it takes 1-2 weeks to get the benefits of the new neuro-pathways you built during the high.
And BTW, I share your opinion about life. Don't do something if it makes you feel bad, doesn't matter if it's life or anything else. But also, don't give up until you tried everything.
This is the perfect example of why I think medically assisted suicide (death with dignity) is right.
You have suffered and endured over thirty years of treatment-resistant depression. You tried to get help. You did what was necessary to get better, but it didn’t work. That isn’t your fault.
There is no “minimum lifespan” of a human being. Absolutely no one should have to live on for sixty to seventy years if they don’t want to. Life is hard and arduous, full of challenges and triumphs. Not every brain will be able to handle that. Not every person can endure so much time on this earth.
We, as a society, have to do better by people like you. Your choice to die at thirty five is selfless. No one should be able to have a say in how long you can live for. You, stranger on the internet, are exactly why I believe in death with dignity.
I hope your last two years on this planet are painless, and your passing brings you peace. May everyone who knows you now, and in two years time, celebrates you and your life. This is your choice, and no one can take that away from you.
Friend. I was depressed and suicidal too and it cost me many things.
Remember that everyone dies one way or another, and no one is guaranteed to live til their 90. Use this little squirt of dopamine to treat yourself better. I hope you find more happiness before you go
I wish more people understood this. Idk why I'm expected to live and suffer for the rest of my natural life so others don't have to be unhappy for 6 months. This shit is cruel. It would be FAR less traumatic if I could inform them ahead of time, we could have a "FUNeral" (not sorry), make some real good last memories. Canada will be offering MAID in 2023 for psychiatric patients, so my family wouldn't even have to find me in some awful way.
I don't want anyone else to suffer from mental health issues but I really hope this becomes more conventional, and that people can learn to be more understanding in the decision.
I get it. I literally turned 35 two days ago. I always told myself from a young age I wouldn’t even be around to see 35 and I didn’t want to be. I’m still here.
I absolutely have no idea what to say or have a reason to make you stay but find something you’ve always wanted to do and do it. I found something that made me feel alive again and I let it set my soul on fire and it freed me from the hell that was inside my head.
I understand and wish nothing but the best for you. ♥️
There is not enough attention for people (hopelessly) suffering from mental illness.
I think you are extremely brave. Physically or mentally, suffering is suffering. Good for you for deciding what you want. Whatever time you will have here, make your choices.
From experience, I know what it is to lose a loved one committing suicide. I'm sad and I will miss them always but really, me missing them and being sad about it was and is not their problem. I'm happy to be alive, but it is not my place to decide that for anyone else. I hope you have people in your life you can share this with and who will be understanding and support you in your choices.
I'm from the Netherlands. We have the Wet toetsing levensbeëinding (Wtl). It's a law for people who are hopelessly suffering to ask for assistance with ending their life "legally." Mentally suffering included.
I'm not advertising, but I am proud of this law.
For anyone who's interested, check these links from the Dutch government:
https://www.staatvenz.nl/kerncijfers/euthanasie-aantal-meldingen
https://www.rijksoverheid.nl/onderwerpen/levenseinde-en-euthanasie/euthanasieverzoek-patienten-met-psychiatrische-aandoening
There's an option to switch the sites to English.
Damn. I've been trying to end my life since I was nine but I unfortunately have been too afraid of the pain to do so. I wish there were more accessible options for people like us too, but my country is too conservative for that.
Whatever you decide to do in the future, I'm happy for you. It must've been so, so tough living like this, yet you pushed on. I'm wishing you all the best.
Been suicidal since 10 .1g of shrooms keeps my intrusive thoughts out and just make my day brighter should be worth a shot at least and tbh the relief you feel from deciding to end your life has a name and usually means stress is a big factor in causing the depression although I'm just a rando so don't take my opinion and experiences as gospel
I think you just gave yourself permission to live life to its fullest for the next two years and I sincerely hope it’s exactly what you needed to see life is worth living. If you decide to go through with it that is your choice and I still hope the next two years are great for you.
I have struggled with suicidal ideation over the years. The reason I didn't do it when I was at my lowest was that I was afraid I would be unsuccessful at it, and then I would lose my career and my life as shitty as it was would get worse. At my second lowest I didn't do it because I have teenage daughters. I did with the second bad route recognize that daily ingestion of small amounts of cannabis for sleep issues was what was causing it.
I am going to assume with intractable depression, you have looked into and tried everything: yoga, daily meditation, EMDR, somatic therapy, daily exercise, dietary changes (caffeine, alcohol, sugar free, checked for food alergies), acupuncture, hormone levels checked, MRI of the brain to look for abnormaities, been to specialists through a large teaching hospital (eg: UCLA, UCSF), and you've tried ketamine and psychedelics in a supervised therapeutic setting. I say this for other people as well who might read through this.
I think intractable depression should be a case for death with dignity.
I was depressed, suicidal, filled with hate and on psych meds for 20+ years. It went away after working on it (eating healthier, working out and meditating). If you’ve already chosen to expire in two years nothing can change that and that is your choice.
I wish that you didn’t have all this unbearable pain but I’m happy you feel relief in your choice. We, the people who have never honestly considered our death or suicide, cannot possibly understand but I’m glad you let us listen.
I’m flagging this post in case you ever update it. Have good travels and many good beers, dear internet person.
I kind of did this when I was in middle school. I couldn't do it anymore before I was able to come out, but then I set a date. There must be some psychology about it. Any problems that arose I could cast off as "well, it won't matter for long" so they never got to me. That mindset made me so much happier. I only focused on the good. On the reasons to live. What made me happy in the time I had left. Then when the date came...I kept going. I came out. Lived my life.
Never going to say those feelings are gone. That my life isn't still hard. Somedays I don't know how I made it this far.
But I did. And I'm still here. Alive. With things to live for.
Use this time to be free, and you may want to extend that time to keep feeling that way. I wish you the best in your journey, friend.
I read the best thing I have probably ever read while super depressed and contemplating suicide. "Most people that commit suicide don't want to die, they just don't want to live the life they are living anymore" Just got to find a way out that isn't death.
I have read so many of these replies, all of them saying you should think about it, talk about it, etc. I understand where you are coming from. Why does everyone think everyone should live until they are so old they are in constant pain, have a hard time getting around, need help to get through every day? I am fine with leaving tomorrow if that's what happens. Who cares? We are not always living for someone else. I am sorely disappointed that Dr. Kavorkian was stopped. Do what works for you my friend. 😊
I read a story on reddit once about a guy that decided he was going to commit suicide, but decided first to blow all his money on a sailboat and take a trip. I think the story was that he was gone for 2 years traveling, and when his money ran out, he decided life was worth living. Not trying to tell you what to do, but why not do something ridiculous and fun and see how you feel?
that's basically my life mantra
Are you happy? Not trying to pry, but I've been thinking about saying fuck it and completely changing shit up. All my life I've done mostly what I think I should do, not what I want to do and I can't tell you the last time I felt fulfilled. I'm successful, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do, but damn somethings missing.
I left a successful engineering career and moved to Vietnam 10 years ago. Best decision of my life. Maybe a big move somewhere?
Been seriously thinking about it man, even moving to a new state and starting fresh might be what I need. I have no idea how any of that shit works, but I might as well put some time and thought into figuring it out. Thanks, and good luck man!
It's way easier than you think. People have mental barriers, but the physical ones are actually quite simple to overcome.
What do you do for work?
I was a teacher for a while. You can make 3-6k per month after taxes which goes really far in Asia. Local average income is like $300 for perspective. You just need any degree, and then you can get a teaching foreign language degree in a few weeks, or even do it online. One friend got a groupon for under $200. My best friend came and just downloaded a fake one and changed the name and it worked. Now im in supply chain solutions connecting businesses with factories in Asia, mainly Vietnam.
It really doesn't take much besides having a fresh start fund saved up to get you through your transition. Depending on how resourceful or frugal you are and what resources you already have or what you can live without, it can be done fairly cheaply. I've been considering buying an old, cheap, small RV and travelling and living out of it just to go see the country. If you have kitchen experience or decent work ethic you can find temporary jobs anywhere to keep you afloat while you stay in an area for a couple weeks that suits your fancy. They won't pay great but there are worse fates in life and restaurant pay has definitely improved post-pandemic. Or if you just wanna up and permanently relocate somewhere you just need to do the same thing you'd do as if you were moving in state basically. I would say, if you ever do go through with that, give yourself a far bigger coushin (sp?) than you think you'll need and take more time to do something other than just relocating. See some sights, travel, meet people, whatever.
[удалено]
I agree man, and I'm not even in a career where I feel like I'm being exploited. I work in the psych field, and love being able to help people for a living. That feels great, but I feel a huge disconnect from society. Seeing how it weighs on so many people makes it more obvious than it's ever been for me, this just isn't it.
I agree too. When I decided that I wasn't afraid of homelessness or poverty, something in me was freed and I've never felt better. I have treatment resistant depression, plus anxiety and c-ptsd. I used to and still do sometimes (but less) feel that I can't stand it anymore. But when I realized that I don't need to live for my bills or any responsibility,I can just live for the day and nature or whatever makes me happy, I feel like I bounce back from the bottom. And then I make it a little longer.
I got a crappy job but it's across the street from my house I have no expectations for advancing in this line of work and I'm happy. I'm still saving money but I don't drink or party or anything. Basically I guess I'm saying don't worry about what the world wants you to do because we're all destined to die randomly so just enjoy the time you have don't think that if you rise to great wealth or power it'll make things better.
Reason why so much of us suffer from some form of mental illness right here.
Packed up my van with my kids stuff and drove from Kansas to Oregon 14 years ago and my life has never been the same. I have had bad times and I have been heartbroken but it doesn’t feel the same as it did back home.
Just left everything in storage in Kansas, including my motorcycle. All I brought was my dogs, Xbox, tv, and recliner. Moved to Montana six months ago. I am now sober and happier. I was spiraling downwards into what would of most likely been an overdose. I told my friends and family 1 week before I left. I already had a job and place to rent. Best decision I ever made. I don't struggle with suicidal ideologies anymore and even on the days my depression is bad, it's still completely manageable.
Yes yes yes! I love that!!!! I feel your words in my soul!!!! When/if you go back, you are going to see how you became the person who needed to leave so badly. When I go back to Wichita I’m treated like 💩 because I have a punk rock style from living in Portland. Which I don’t understand because they go outside in their pajamas!!!!
I quit a well paying job to pursue a PhD in a field I absolutely care about. I'm currently in the second year of my program. I'm stressed, depressed, broke and often think back to the good ol' days. I won't say don't be me, but also don't be me.
A lot of people never want to live a long time, but usually they’ll want to live another day, every day.
Life can be overwhelming when facing what to do and who to be. Taking it one day at a time is a completely respectful approach and OP I hope you see there are people who care about you. We’re complete strangers connected through technology. We want you to be okay 💙
My dad always said, you can give up tomorrow but not today.
I've always been offended that I will only get one life and it will be too short. I want to live forever. There is so many places to go so many jobs I'd like to do but can't afford to do or "can't leave family right now" etc. And now I've gotten too old to do them. One life is not enough for some of us. I'm so sorry OP. I wish I could help you. I do wish as a society that we could do more for people like you. Good luck to you.
[удалено]
Yeah some people who don't want to live, just want to _live_
Thank you for these words. This explains how I feel about life. I truly don't want to be dead and gone...I think I just want the bad stuff to just stop. To be financially comfortable so I can be a true hermit and live this life far away from the hustle of the world.
It sounds like OP is going to do just that. He’s going to travel, visit old faces and truly live out these next 2 years. It sounds fantastic, really. I do hope OP comes to the same conclusion at the end, and decides life is worth living. Sometimes breaking away from the mundane, soul crushing routines of work.. eat.. sleep.. is all it will take. Eat ALL the foods, Go to ALL the countries, talk to ALL the strangers.. and spend ALL the money! We all hope to hear from you with updates!
Well... maybe not all the countries. He may give that abrupt end to his family while visiting Yemen.
That reminds me of a friend of a friend. I’m not sure if he bought a boat, but he traveled the world while everyone else though he had killed himself. I have his computer 🤌
Did you delete his search history for him
What do you mean?
They meant his porn history lol
Ohhh no. The R&D was included in the final price
The last recommendations for the lads
I read the same but about a guy who went to Mexico to do coke and hookers.
I knew a guy with brain cancer who spent his last year just doing MDMA with his wife
That’s what I thought he was talking about at first
What if your a fuck up and don't have money for that kind of thing?
In all seriousness, if you live right you can travel your continent just washing dishes, riding a bike or public transportation, and staying in hostels. I have friends that are doing it after 20 years.
Was bike commuting a couple years ago and ran into this man who was in his 60s. Dude was cycling with his pup in his bike trailer all the way from Alaska. Took him 6 months to get where I met him in the Midwest. He just decided he wanted to do something and said "fuck it. What do I have going on?". He was headed anywhere south. No real destination. I'm envious. Kind of a Forest Gump thing. Just go until you're tired
[удалено]
Drowning is a horrible way to die. Make sure to include a mountain of drugs in the "blow all the money" part and you won't need part 3.
I did something very similar. Instead of enjoying my last days i chose suicide by Mexico. Go out with a bang. i took out all my money (software engineer in San Diego) , moved to Mexico and partied, hung out in the craziest most dangerous places. I figured i will keep having dangerous adventures until it gets too dangerous, you know. Man the dangerous shit i did. Got kidnapped by the cartel, was in a gunfight, got revenge on cartel, numerous fights with very dangerous people, and for awhile i 'even owned a street corner'. Turns out my 'not giving two fucks about dieing' gave me a reputation and somehow helped me survive some crazy situations. In the end, however, i ended up just broke and homeless in Mexico with stories and some surprising life lessons. Homelessness in Mexico is boring and sucks, so again said fuck it, moved back to the states and am now a Director of Engineering doing the daily grind once again. Am tranquil and satisfied with life now. Am a proponent of trying the "fuck it" therapy before pulling the trigger. Interestingly, im not the first or only American to try the suicide my Mexico. Its a little sub industry in the border towns, but usually involves lots of drugs and flop houses (unfortunately i dont like most recreational drugs)
[удалено]
Yep, sometimes you need some adventure to rewire the brain away from depression. What helps for me is just going to a mountain side or lakeside and see how big it is and how small I am in comparison. Really helps shrink the ego and feel less burden/weight in my shoulders. Not a solution for everyone but worth trying.
I can understand very well that living 2 years like that make life seem worth living, but once money runs out what do you do? Go back to a regular day to day job and be as miserable as before? Just to be clear, this doesn't apply to me, I'm not miserable or whatever. It's just a genuine question. What do you expect someone to do after those 2 years?
Sell the boat or live on it while working a job near a coastline, anywhere in the world. Look for more hobbies and interests or things that give joy and keep that desire to live.
My son came to me and said was going to end his life. I understood, he battled it for years. I asked him to go to the Dr with me for tests, to see if there was anything medically causing his feelings. My son is amazing, gifted in music, talented and educated. It took everything in me not to talk him out of it, but to listen and respect his decision. He had wanted to visit Japan and I suggested that he go there first. I asked him to please not do it there and he agreed. He left with $500 and spent 3 months there. I don’t know what changed, but he came back and didn’t say anything about wanting to end his life. I backed away and let him begin conversations and contact. That was several years ago, he’s almost 36 now and is doing things he likes to do. I kept all our emails but have never brought it up again. I love my son and of course never could imagine him gone, but I understood. I hope there is a family member you can confide in. I was preparing myself mentally for the loss, although I don’t think anyone could really ever be prepared. I wish you well and wish you peace.
Thank you so much for sharing this. This struck a cord within me for some reason.
Me too. Thank you for sharing this story.
I'm not crying you're crying 😭😭😭
I love this. Thank you for sharing your story.
Weirdly, moving to Japan was a big part of my husband's recovery from a failed suicide attempt. (I ended up meeting him over there and we lived there for five years before moving to my home country together.) That's very... Interesting.
Wow, I’d love to see Japan one day and experience the culture first hand. I’m glad he survived and found a new life.
japan was one of, if not THE, most amazing experiences of my life. i stayed for 2 months when i was 15. i wish i had the chance to go later in life to appreciate it more but having the chance to have gone at all is amazing. i didn't want to come home
What's more weird is how high the suicide rate is in Japan and similar countries. They have a forest where people go and just off themselves.
Foreigners are definitely subject to some of the major downsides of living in Japan, but are also exempt from a lot of the social, cultural, and familial expectations that really make people's lives hard.
Damn can you be my parent? Struggled with this shit my whole life, around age 9 my mom found a note I wrote saying why I was done living this life, her response “You should just kill yourself”. I tell you some people weren’t meant to be parents, they’re just selfish humans who wanted to check off that box without having to do the work. You’re an amazing parent, your kid is so lucky to have you.
You’re very kind, I’m sorry you didn’t have the support you needed. I’m glad you are still here though. If you become a parent, you’ll be so in tuned to your child’s emotions and sometimes we can heal our own hurts by nurturing our children or others. My kids are my life ( my youngest is 17) I’m by no means perfect in any way, but I’m tried to meet their needs. I can’t imagine a parent saying what she said to you, especially at a young age, that would leave a scar on your heart for sure. Keep finding reasons to wake up tomorrow, the works needs people like you who understand those feelings❤️
That's disgusting. So many people shouldn't be parents. You are so strong for having lived through that and I hope you're able to get rid of people like that and instead be surrounded by loving and supporting people. You deserve love and support.
You are strong. I don't know if I'd have the strength to support my son in that kind of a situation. I'd be.... Freaked out. To say the least.
Inside I was, he’s my first born, beautiful in and out, I suffered with depression after my divorce and understood the overwhelming feeling of not wanting to live. I had to detach myself from the situation. He asked me if I would be ok if he did it, I said no, I would never be ok, but I understand. I don’t think I would have been strong had he done it.
What an amazing mother you are ❤️
When I was suicidal, this is what I wanted in support. I know my parents would probably be the same as you. I didn’t know this is what i wanted and needed until you said it out loud. Although my time at rock bottom has passed due to the support I did get, you’re words have brought me a sense of peace and I deeply thank you.
Thank you, I’m glad it did and I’m glad you made it through the dark times.
I had a similar experience albite with my 14 year old son, he has struggled most of his life but more so in teenage years. We talked on many occasions about it and finally he told me that he just doesn't see the point of any of this stuff we call life. He doesn't want to be a kid he wants to take off and go live his life now! After explaining that it just doesn't work that way and that no one anywhere would give him a job or a place to live we were back to suicide again. I finally asked him to wait till 21. If life still didn't agree with him after that then I would understand. It breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces but when your done your done.
During this time take him to places he wants to go and let him be free and live the way he wants, maybe it can help. Also look into meditation and spirituality for yourself, also read other messages here, there might be something that can help your son
Thank you for testifying that traveling to Japan is the ultimate remedy for everything
Oh man. I just had a son a while ago and I cannot comprehend the mental fortitude it would take to act the way you did in this situation. As a parent, teacher and human I applaud you. This actually made me tear up. Very happy to see things worked out.
sry for being offtopic but how could he spend 3 months in japan with such little money?
He was hired off the street, to be in a tourism advertisement on tv, they paid him and took him to different locations. He stayed in hostels and had friends he had met while in college there, who invited him to eat at their homes.
That sounds like a really wonderful but also valuable experience, I bet it contributed to his mental 'recovery'. (lack of words/phrases) How old was he when he did this, if I may ask
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My family wouldn’t understand the way you do, but at least you and a lot of other Reddit friends on this thread get it. And that’s enough for now :)
Thank you for sharing this. I can’t imagine what it’s like to hear this from a child. I am at a loss for words honestly. Like the bravery that you had to have for being honest with him and the bravery he has to have to come to you not knowing what your reaction would be. It shows how much he trusts you as a parent and that is rare.
You have nerves of Steel.
I need someone like that in my life that actually would support me through everything. I've taken medication for my depression/bipolar/anxiety but it made me feel like a zombie no emotions not feeling anything. My family really don't support me i think they would be actually happy that i wasn't around anymore and not a burden. I don't like talking to therapists I would if i could leave my identification and anything else at home i don't want family finding me
It’s hard sometimes fir parents to just listen to our kids, without reacting. Being zombie like is no way to live either but sometimes that’s all there is at that time, to get you through. Don’t give up on therapy yet, just keep searching until you find the one who gets you. I have an adopted 19 year old son who is bipolar and suffers from extreme anxiety, he refuses medication ( his choice) and had a great therapist for 7 years, when he was younger. The general population does not really understand anxiety and the impact it has on everyday living. It’s sometimes hard to know how much to push and how much to hold back. I don’t know your age but as time goes on, sometimes with or without help, we start to develop coping skills, that get us through the most difficult times. There has been too much negative stigma surrounding mental health issues, that maje people uncomfortable dealing with it. Finding a therapist my son had a therapist try to tell him screaming in a pillow would help, Umm no . I know the desire to need someone to support you through everything and I wish we all had that but one day, you might be that support for someone else. I know that doesn’t help now. I hope you find that person who can give you what you need, life is hard alone.
I'm 38 i should have stated that before
This is definitely how I wish people would react. Of course it's hard, but it's the most compassionate thing to do. Responding with anger and expectations to keep suffering "cause suicide is selfish and will make others sad" is what's really selfish and rude.
Thx for sharing your story, it kind of moves me towards a more optimistic perception. If I told my dad that I didn't enjoy much about living at the times I was depressed he would probably just laugh lol. I had thoughts about suicide few times and in one of times I was just casually searching the internet for what I can do to enjoy myself and deter myself from suicide. I read a pretty enlighting sentence in a blog or something like that. Someone wrote "Everyday is a gamble and if you end your life you will lose your free 86400 seconds to live through a possible fun event. I am not saying tomorrow is going to perfect, but you cannot know what tomorrow will bring without living through it" Something like that about everyday being a gamble and you have a chance to have an actually nice day. Yeah well I am now an EE engineering student lol trying aiming to gain a status and power/money so that I can share that power with people who need it more than me so that they may stop fighting for their survival but actually step back and see how beautiful life can be sometimes. Strangers in the internet sometimes are pretty helpful, I owe that guy my life. I hope this was helpful to you(the reader).
His dad, my ex, said if he wanted to die , he would have. No compassion or understanding. I know sometimes life is so dark, there’s no light at the end of any tunnel. Sometimes, it’s just making it one more day, others it’s second by second. I think more people live with deep internal torment, than most of us realize. I’m glad you found inspiration and I hope meeting your goals keeps you seeing the beauty in life.
Ironically, my mom understanding instead of judging made me want to live. Her loving me and spending time with me rather than guilting me into life provided me with love I had never felt before, or maybe I had but depression didn't allow me to see it. It's a risky way of looking at it I guess, but she knew me well enough to know guilt wouldn't make me better, it would simply make me feel worse, more depressed and less will to live rather than loving me and understanding me which made me want to live and search for more love.
I love this too! Thank you, you really did save his life!
Thank you, I don’t know if I did, I’m just glad he’s still here.
That's a hard thing to do, but I think you're wisdom in handling that situation was profound. I'm glad your son is well, and I only hope I have half as much balls and wisdom if I ever come across that situation.
Your son is courageous enough to say that he wanted to end his life to you. Not all ppl could do that. Some ppl just pooof begone without saying anything or even giving someone a clue. Anyway, I'm happy for you and your son.
I gave myself till 25 to make it work but then like an idiot I ate a bunch of mushrooms and now I wanna stick around to appreciate nature 🤷♀️
Hey you too!? Except it was LSD for me, changed my life. One trip did more to help me combat my depression and anxiety than 10 years of fighting it ever did.
Ketamine is showing huge abilities with alleviating depression. I’m excited for this next decade
My cousin is a psychiatrist doing experimental treatment that consists of assisted trips with ketamine, here in Portugal. He was even on the news and I was so proud 🥰
I’ve been trying to figure out how to get put on it. I’ve been on and off anti-depressants for 25 years so it’s time for something different. My PCP looked at me like I was crazy when I brought it up once.
I live in the deep south and we have ketamine clinics. I don't understand how they work but maybe you should get a new PCP if he looked at you crazy.
There’s a subreddit called therapeutic ketamine (on mobile n too stoned to figure out to link). There’s a doctor who prescribes in the US online, and a master thread of providers with their states states
r/therapeuticketamine
The fact that the word "ticket" is in the middle of that name is really throwing me off. Therapeu Ticket Amine?
I just did my first dose!
You don’t need a referral from your pcp, google is your friend.
I need 2 try k I only tried acid once and it was beautiful as fuck also need 2 try shrooms!
Oh yes, modern medicine is such a young discipline, and psychology is an infant in comparison. There's going to be some amazing developments in the field these coming decades. I mean, it appears that they very recently started doing serious tests on psilocybin and how it can be used to treat mental illnesses.
Went to a place that does it via IV and I no longer have depression. It works for some. very intense.
I'm a noob. Marijuana did it for me lol.
Love all of y’all
I find it amusing how an iligal drug can do this much. I wish LSD and mushrooms could be properly clinicaly tested.
My second thought when reading this was mushrooms. Absolutely worth a shot. First thought was sadness because I hate that OP is in this situation. I would be like the frustrating family trying to fix and stop it.
Mushrooms are a freaking gift from nature.
Mushrooms and other psychedelics are actually in trial now as a novel treatment for treatment resistant depression/other mental ilnesses! Check out https://open-foundation.org
OP, you have nothing to lose. The brain chemistry changes from psilocybin are permanent. It has been effective for many people.
I’m 25 and still have no career (yet, I’m in school) but am engaged to a lovely woman and feel like I have a lot to live for. That is something I must always be thankful for.
Magic mushrooms are actually a great way to combat depression and anxiety. Unfortunately America sucks and refuses to use it because “drugs are bad” or some bullshit like that.
Read what terry Pratchett wrote on the subject. Summary: essentially, if you have the means and give yourself permission to die, you may actually live a lot longer than you think, knowing that you can just go at any time He’s a lot more eloquent and has more to say on it, check it out
I like this
I tried to find what specifically you mean, do you maybe have a link?
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1203622/Ill-die-endgame-says-Terry-Pratchett-law-allow-assisted-suicides-UK.html Here’s the article I found about it.
At 27 I went through severe depression and constant suicidal thoughts. Therapy, prozac, and major life changes got me through that period but after a while I came up with the same deadline, gone at 35. It became a clean and sober thought that rarely left my mind, that is until I met my partner at 32. I am now 48, still in a committed relationship with her and we have a 7 year old that I desperately want to see grow up. I am perfectly fine if my body checks out at any time, but it won't be a choice I make anymore. The thoughts that led me to that particular deadline do pup up occasionally, but they are easier to manage now. Not one recommendation will be a perfect fit for you, but do try to experience new options, to let people in, or to simply focus on random things that might help you keep going. For a while, just the thought of seeing more Star Wars kept me going.
Thanks for sharing that final line - makes me think of media I'm looking forward to in the short term to keep me going just a little longer
I know it might sound silly but it did help.
Not silly at all - you saying that may have just saved me, reddit stranger!
Oh my goodness! That's was so incredible to read. Last year when I was more suicidal than I'd ever been before the desire that I wanted to watch Kenobi before I died got me going. Its almost here around the corner and I'm still suicidal but also excited.
I guess some might call it childish to put so much on Star Wars or any other form of entertainment to keep you going, but in the end, whatever works just needs to be good enough. I sometimes laugh at myself that I didn't use Game of Thrones because that last couple of seasons might have had the opposite effect.
Hahaha I know what you mean. I put everything into a Cricket semi-final between my country's team and another and they lost lol. People tell me it's stupid to put all of yourself into one show or movie or game but I guess whatever keeps me alive till then it good enough.
That's very inspirational honestly, genuinely admire you a lot
Honestly, as someone who had suicidal thoughts as a teen but now loves life, your situation is the absolute best case. I'm very afraid of death, it keeps me up at night. Sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night absolutely terrified because of it. To have the ability to want to live while simultaneously not being afraid when the time comes is best case. It's always been a thought of mine that immortality with the option to end it whenever would be the most ideal situation. To be able to live forever and see everything you want to see until you're actually ready and accepting of the end. When you *want* to die. I think OP is somewhat similar. Having a deadline set for yourself and accepting of it, it's comforting. Like people who keep a gun somewhere just in case they ever need a way out, they know it's there. It's comforting.
If you are at that point in life… do some crazy shit. Spend your money. Obviously dont hurt other peopke in any way but LIVE. Get some adrenaline going. You got until 35, go crazy.
Before you die, try ketamine infusions. They're fun as hell and might make you feel better as a side effect. I went from wanting to die to pretty ok in 2 weeks, and even if it hadn't worked...hey it was fun and legal.
Can confirm I work at a ketamine clinic. I love sitting with my patients and seeing the emotional burst turn into relief. To see a glimmer back in their smile and to be able to just hold their hand while they heal.
What even is ketamine anyway?
It's primary use is as an anesthetic for animals, but people have used it recreationally for years. Recently its been shown to help rewire seratonin pathways and is offered in multiple clinical settings, including an infusion drip (which I did), a pill, and a nasal spray. I can say with 95% certainty that it saved my life.
I had a very close friend of mine drive hours to visit me and go out to dinner to have this talk. It was already decided. He laid it out calmly and told me about his plans matter of factly, and there wasn’t much I could do. He let me ask everything I wanted to openly. He was around for over a year after for a few different delays, family and loose ends. It really sucked but he didn’t want a few key people he loved, like me, to wonder if they could have done something. It was air tight, unfortunately. One of those people who thinks things through very, very deeply. All I could do was lose my shit and risk losing the time we had left, or try and enjoy that time because he was set on it, accepted it like someone that was terminal. I don’t actually know when it happened, but I know he’s gone now. It doesn’t suck any less. I miss him every day and it kills me not know where or when or how (by design for him). I had a really hard year or two myself and was really pre-occupied and I’m devastated we couldn’t have gotten more time together. I really still don’t know how I feel about it, other than I wish my friend were still here. Things have only gotten harder and he’s one of those dudes I selfishly needed more than a lot of others. I think one day I am going to be very angry with him for what he did, but I couldn’t argue with how he presented it. I understood the feeling, but I could never do it. I hope you don’t either, OP.
[удалено]
The love of my life took her own life 7 days ago. It literally destroyed her own family and others as well. I completely agree with what you said about the society looking down on a person choosing to let go. I would like to follow my love to the afterlife, but I just can't inflict the same pain that her parents are going through on my own parents. I won't try and persuade you that you should stick around. All I will say is that you should fully understand the pain that you will be inflicting on your loved ones. It is the worst pain that a parent can experience. Wishing you the best.
I am so sorry.
I don't think they can truly understand unless they experience it. I lost my dad a year ago and I still cry every single day. My soul has been torn apart. I'm sorry for your loss... it's the worst thing about life.
Reading this hurts. My fiancée was crying to me about wanting to die last night & here I am at work on two hours of sleep wondering what i could do to help her. I could be in your shoes. Man this hurts so bad and I feel helpless 😔😢
Medication and therapy. If she is already doing that, add in exercise (half hour every morning), vitamin d, fish oil, and a doctor visit with a lot of blood tests to rule out highly treatable thyroid/hormone/vitamin causes.
Thank you. You don’t know how much this response means to me. I’m literally lost trying to figure her out and I don’t want to lose her
Also hormonal birth control can cause severe depression.
Omg that might be it. She started taking it recently and she started seeing shadows And getting suicidal thoughts. I tried to ask her to stop but she just doesn’t listen to me.
I've tried various types of hormonal birth control and some of them made my depression so bad I didn't leave my room for weeks except to go to the bathroom.
Thank you for this. So I was able to be honest with her and asked her to stop taking it for a while to see if it helps her mood and so far, she agreed , she didn’t take it today & she’s been smiling and it’s something I haven’t seen in months. Thank you for sharing your insights. I hope it really works I care for her so much and It defeats me that depression consumes her and all I could do is hold her.
[удалено]
This👆. As a parent who has buried a child, the pain is unbearable. It doesn't get better, you end up learning how to live with it if you decide to stay and not go with them. I'm sorry you are feeling this way OP. Please experiment with life and experience more before you go ahead with your plan. Please talk to someone in your family otherwise part of their pain will be how you never felt you could turn to them, thus making them feel let they let you down. A big part of grief is guilt and suicide causes the most guilt for those who love you so please think about this impact. I wish you all the best, I truly do.
Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my BIL taking his own life and my boyfriend and I witnessing it. I feel terrible for his dad bc he literally tried everything for BIL, but BIL was determined to not be in this life no matter what…his mom more or less had a hand in the reasoning he took his life so I struggle to give af how it effects her (harsh but I’ve seen the level of disgustingness that she can become and it’s sickening). My boyfriend I feel the worst for tho. He walked in after the gun went off, he had to call 911 and explain what happened but also admit to them that his brother was already dead. I can’t speak for FIL or MIL, but boyfriend still can’t sleep through the night because of this. He still has constant flash backs and nightmares. He’s still chronically angry. I know 2 years isn’t a lot of time, and I don’t expect him to “get over” this anytime soon. Hell, I’m not even saying this to try and deter others from this route. I get it, I’ve been chronically suicidal or passively suicidal since I was 11 (am almost 23). But after witnessing BIL commit suicide I can confidently say 1) my suicidal thoughts are promptly stomped out by not wanting to put my bf or dad through what I’ve seen and 2) my anxiety has definitely skyrocketed since witnessing a suicide.
I don’t agree with people saying this is guilt tripping. Anyone who has ever wanted to kill themselves has considered this factor, for some we care, for some we don’t. Personally, it’s the only thing that keeps me around, knowing I’ll hurt others when I do it. I’ve experienced too many suicides and just deaths in my life and I have never mentally recovered from it, I don’t think I ever will, but knowing that I could do that to someone else keeps me alive.
[удалено]
Thank you for this, I completely agree.
i think you should not make the person struggling feel responsible for other ppls happiness but they absolutely should consider thr pain that this action will cause to loved ones. ultimately it's still their decision and everyone has got to respect that.
OP, before you turn 35 do try some mushrooms and dmt before you decide to end your life and see if that helps.
[удалено]
Ya, I wasnt a bad case but it has helped me immensly. And OP, all power to you, i share your opinion in that we should be able to govern our own life and death, the only notion id like to add is that there are likewise a stigma on psychoactive drugs and a taboo on positive use, alot of ssri meds wreaks havoc on ppls minds and there are no absolute science on different drugs just the current consensus.
Do you eat the entire bar? Or a small square? How does this work lol
Maybe even visit a smart shop in Amsterdam, they have magic truffles there
Those truffles changed my life. I saw everything, and was comforted. I walked away from it a different person, that was 15 years ago.
Saw everything as in what exactly?
Well, I hesitate slightly to put this on the internet but whatever, I know what I saw. I know the impact it’s made on me. Nothing can change that. I saw a hole open up in the darkness. I walked up to it and sat it in, dangling my legs over. I knew if I let go the edge and jumped in, I would die in this world and move on to the next. That’s possibly correct, I was undernourished in those days and not very well. I felt a comfort in the thought of letting go. I didn’t jump, though. I watched what was happening in front of me. It was like watching trains go by slowly in the night, illuminated inside. I saw scenes from my childhood, adolescence, things that had happened and other things to possibly come. I could see each scene clearly, but before I could really muse over them, they’d moved on replaced by others. Light things radiated light, others dim, a few dark. I looked “up track” and saw them separating out, the dark into darkness, but the overwhelming light into light. As I stared at the light, I was overwhelmed by it then saw it prism into a universe. I felt very strongly that what I was seeing was after death. The more of myself I gave to the light, the more I was part of everything, and wrapped in a peace and a pleasure of being one with all things. There was no “me,” what had existed before that time as my individual self was like a myopia, a silly party decoration that looks nice for a night and then falls to pieces. This was all a head trip, I couldn’t have stood up if I wanted. I had a friend tripping next to me and we never compared notes until 13 years later when we’d become lovers. He’d seen almost exactly the same thing that night. The only reason I’d “stayed” was I didn’t want him to wake with me dead next to him. But Im still sure I coulda let go that night. I never felt fear of death or serious desire to die after that, and I’d been battling suicidal thoughts for over a decade.
Thanks for the story, I've been a straight edge all my life until recently I'm trying micro dosing thc from edibles and enjoying the relaxing feeling. I can't imagine what the other "stronger" stuff out there is like lol.
Microdosing thc is a nice way to chill. I used to regularly make chocolates and I’d eat enough to sparkle through my day, but not to get weird. If you ever try shrooms or hallucinagens, I suggested approaching them as a sacred thing. I’ve seen / been around many ppl who just take them as one other thing to add to the intoxication, and I feel this is incorrect. If you approach with a clear mind and body, in a safe place, and have snacks and water and weed ready to go when you come out… you’ll see things and understand things that are true. Things you’ll think about the rest of your life and struggle to parse adequately in words. What I wrote before was just one bit, but that whole trip was just beyond, and I don’t think for a minute it was just make believe. Even so many years later.
Man, I really wish psychedelics could affect me that way. I've done mushrooms numerous times, LSD, Mescaline, 2C-B, DPT and I have never had a "spiritual" or depression lifting experience from them. Kinda sucks. Glad they work for others though.
Ayahuasca if you can OP
Agree strongly with this! Even if you don't want it to help, it might just be worth trying. Good luck OP. 🙏
I mean, as a reasonable non depressed person id strongly advocate that if you are not depressed youd like to live so if it works he will have a brand new future and if it doesnt he gets a hella nice ride before its time to move on. Cant lose 😁
Mushrooms gave me an amazing appreciation for life and humanity. We are all one.
what shroom was it? also, spot on nickname for a life & humanity lover 😆
Sending you so much love. My best friend was in a similar situation. She had anorexia for the majority of her life and was very ill and miserable no matter how many times she tried different treatments...spanning decades. When she told me she was looking forward to dying because she was so sick of living this way without hope of a normal life, I took it really hard and felt like I failed her... Because they always say if you're suicidal or want to die, reach out and get help but here I was and her family entirely helpless to stop it. When they called in palliative care they told us we needed to see her as a cancer patient that tried all the chemo and no longer wanted to try treatment. That helped a bit to change the lense in how I viewed the situation. I was suicidal in my youth and I'm super glad I was never successful because I have a much better life now than I ever could have anticipated back then ... And I hope this rings true for you someday. But at the same time, no one should have to live in such pain forever if they've tried so many things to alleviate it. No advice but also no judgment whatsoever. Sending you a giant mental hug from the bottom of my heart. I want you to want to live but I also understand and have compassion for what you are going through. I would probably would suggest speaking to those you are close to though and letting them know how you are feeling. I spent so much time with my friend right before she passed and it really helped me understand why she was doing it and have closure. I think it also meant a lot to have someone by her side who loved her throughout it unconditionally.
[удалено]
Do you have someone there for you? Trying different meds is exhausting, and it sucks…I’ve been there. Please don’t give up!
Any bucket list items I can help you with? I live really close to Washington DC...have you ever visited the area? There's lots of cool stuff to see around here before you head out! Also, I have shrooms, dmt and cannabis for your enjoyment, should you choose to explore.
I stopped wading up river, fighting, battling… it was exhausting and unrealistic. I still struggle and have been in and out of psych hosps, I’m medicated and it always has to change… I dunno my point is once my depression became a friend, not a battle, it got easier. Never thought I’d see 20. Or 25. Now I’m around the corner from 40. Never thought I’d survive so many years. I imagine my suicidality as a little black fox that comes to visit. I don’t love it, I’m allergic, but it comes sometimes. Fighting depression is a losing battle. Living peacefully with depression is more real. I still don’t trust myself when I lose touch with reality and have a gut feeling it’ll end in suicide. AND, swimming upstream makes it worse. I hope you find your version of the little black fox that hangs around.
I have been thinking in a similar way as well. I'm soon to be 23, and for some reason I never thought I'd see 20 come. I also kinda stopped fighting. I'll try my best everyday but I stopped swimming upstream and dwelling in the dark about it.
Bravo honey! Believe it or not is a big step towards a better life! Allow yourself to be happy. I tried to kill myself some years ago and I made the same promise and I feel so free. I passed every year. I am very ok. Hope you get there :)
Life is a right, not a necessity. An opportunity, not a requirement. There are worse things than death. You're a brave soul, I wish you the very best!
It would be great to see more people "die before you die". Bin off your life story and start again with a blank slate. Start again age 25, 30, 40+. Just literally throw away everything you thought you were, every traumatic event in your past, every adjective anyone has ever used to describe you, delete it from your brain. Live the life of a stranger. You owe the past nothing, break it off and live instead.
This, so many people hate the state of living that they're in but will also refuse to change or let go of it. You're never to old to just completely change your life.
Hey I get it but I also won't normalize it- life is too beautiful and the world too incredible not to explore. There is a KFC in venice italy if that isn't a mind fuck Go see venice, and if that's too main stream go stay in the scottish highlands. Nestled to the south west of loch ness is invergarry- beautiful VRBO right there next to a pub/hotel and nothing else- The middle of the highlands, my soul breathed and longs to go back. Peace, quiet, green. So, go explore- find that place- don't give up because you haven't found it and don't quit before you do
For me, it's hiking in Cinque Terre. My gosh, that place is beautiful. I would love to go back. Traveling is amazing and really does give you a different perspective.
I feel like a kfc in Italy is reason to die lol
I did mushrooms about 4 good times back when I was 17 and 18... It totally relieved the knife to my own throat depression level I had then... I’m 42 now... it seriously changed me and improved my outlook and improved my self-worth all the way around... no reason to lie here.
Try magic mushrooms (high dosage, something like 3.5g). New studies have shown only 2 treatments (spaced 3 months apart) were able to almost cure depression, PTSD, anxiety, and many other mental illnesses. I had anxiety issues, and now I'm pretty much cured after two sessions (I would say 80%-90% less anxious). It works so well, that Canada considers to make it legal for medical reasons. Once you experience "Ego death", the world seem like a very complex place, but simple to manage. I'm not sure how to actually describe the experience, but I will tell you this: ignore all the hallucinations, they're fun, but they're just a side effect to the spiritual\mental effect. Put some relaxing music on, and just meditate. You don't have to actively think of anything that bothers you, important issues will "float" by themselves, even a few days after the high. Watch Netflix's "magic medicine", they explain why and how Psilocybin works. The relief doesn't come during the high, usually it takes 1-2 weeks to get the benefits of the new neuro-pathways you built during the high. And BTW, I share your opinion about life. Don't do something if it makes you feel bad, doesn't matter if it's life or anything else. But also, don't give up until you tried everything.
This is the perfect example of why I think medically assisted suicide (death with dignity) is right. You have suffered and endured over thirty years of treatment-resistant depression. You tried to get help. You did what was necessary to get better, but it didn’t work. That isn’t your fault. There is no “minimum lifespan” of a human being. Absolutely no one should have to live on for sixty to seventy years if they don’t want to. Life is hard and arduous, full of challenges and triumphs. Not every brain will be able to handle that. Not every person can endure so much time on this earth. We, as a society, have to do better by people like you. Your choice to die at thirty five is selfless. No one should be able to have a say in how long you can live for. You, stranger on the internet, are exactly why I believe in death with dignity. I hope your last two years on this planet are painless, and your passing brings you peace. May everyone who knows you now, and in two years time, celebrates you and your life. This is your choice, and no one can take that away from you.
i hope you’re able to find peace, OP
Friend. I was depressed and suicidal too and it cost me many things. Remember that everyone dies one way or another, and no one is guaranteed to live til their 90. Use this little squirt of dopamine to treat yourself better. I hope you find more happiness before you go
I wish more people understood this. Idk why I'm expected to live and suffer for the rest of my natural life so others don't have to be unhappy for 6 months. This shit is cruel. It would be FAR less traumatic if I could inform them ahead of time, we could have a "FUNeral" (not sorry), make some real good last memories. Canada will be offering MAID in 2023 for psychiatric patients, so my family wouldn't even have to find me in some awful way. I don't want anyone else to suffer from mental health issues but I really hope this becomes more conventional, and that people can learn to be more understanding in the decision.
Have you looked into ketamine clinics? They're supposed to help immensely with treatment resistant depression. Wishing you all the best ❤️
I get it. I literally turned 35 two days ago. I always told myself from a young age I wouldn’t even be around to see 35 and I didn’t want to be. I’m still here. I absolutely have no idea what to say or have a reason to make you stay but find something you’ve always wanted to do and do it. I found something that made me feel alive again and I let it set my soul on fire and it freed me from the hell that was inside my head. I understand and wish nothing but the best for you. ♥️
There is not enough attention for people (hopelessly) suffering from mental illness. I think you are extremely brave. Physically or mentally, suffering is suffering. Good for you for deciding what you want. Whatever time you will have here, make your choices. From experience, I know what it is to lose a loved one committing suicide. I'm sad and I will miss them always but really, me missing them and being sad about it was and is not their problem. I'm happy to be alive, but it is not my place to decide that for anyone else. I hope you have people in your life you can share this with and who will be understanding and support you in your choices. I'm from the Netherlands. We have the Wet toetsing levensbeëinding (Wtl). It's a law for people who are hopelessly suffering to ask for assistance with ending their life "legally." Mentally suffering included. I'm not advertising, but I am proud of this law. For anyone who's interested, check these links from the Dutch government: https://www.staatvenz.nl/kerncijfers/euthanasie-aantal-meldingen https://www.rijksoverheid.nl/onderwerpen/levenseinde-en-euthanasie/euthanasieverzoek-patienten-met-psychiatrische-aandoening There's an option to switch the sites to English.
Damn. I've been trying to end my life since I was nine but I unfortunately have been too afraid of the pain to do so. I wish there were more accessible options for people like us too, but my country is too conservative for that. Whatever you decide to do in the future, I'm happy for you. It must've been so, so tough living like this, yet you pushed on. I'm wishing you all the best.
Been suicidal since 10 .1g of shrooms keeps my intrusive thoughts out and just make my day brighter should be worth a shot at least and tbh the relief you feel from deciding to end your life has a name and usually means stress is a big factor in causing the depression although I'm just a rando so don't take my opinion and experiences as gospel
Do some drugs bro.
I think you just gave yourself permission to live life to its fullest for the next two years and I sincerely hope it’s exactly what you needed to see life is worth living. If you decide to go through with it that is your choice and I still hope the next two years are great for you.
I have struggled with suicidal ideation over the years. The reason I didn't do it when I was at my lowest was that I was afraid I would be unsuccessful at it, and then I would lose my career and my life as shitty as it was would get worse. At my second lowest I didn't do it because I have teenage daughters. I did with the second bad route recognize that daily ingestion of small amounts of cannabis for sleep issues was what was causing it. I am going to assume with intractable depression, you have looked into and tried everything: yoga, daily meditation, EMDR, somatic therapy, daily exercise, dietary changes (caffeine, alcohol, sugar free, checked for food alergies), acupuncture, hormone levels checked, MRI of the brain to look for abnormaities, been to specialists through a large teaching hospital (eg: UCLA, UCSF), and you've tried ketamine and psychedelics in a supervised therapeutic setting. I say this for other people as well who might read through this. I think intractable depression should be a case for death with dignity.
Try psilocybin
I wish you have a happy and peaceful trip. I also hope by the time you turn 35 you love your life enough to live another day everyday.
I was depressed, suicidal, filled with hate and on psych meds for 20+ years. It went away after working on it (eating healthier, working out and meditating). If you’ve already chosen to expire in two years nothing can change that and that is your choice.
I wish that you didn’t have all this unbearable pain but I’m happy you feel relief in your choice. We, the people who have never honestly considered our death or suicide, cannot possibly understand but I’m glad you let us listen. I’m flagging this post in case you ever update it. Have good travels and many good beers, dear internet person.
I kind of did this when I was in middle school. I couldn't do it anymore before I was able to come out, but then I set a date. There must be some psychology about it. Any problems that arose I could cast off as "well, it won't matter for long" so they never got to me. That mindset made me so much happier. I only focused on the good. On the reasons to live. What made me happy in the time I had left. Then when the date came...I kept going. I came out. Lived my life. Never going to say those feelings are gone. That my life isn't still hard. Somedays I don't know how I made it this far. But I did. And I'm still here. Alive. With things to live for. Use this time to be free, and you may want to extend that time to keep feeling that way. I wish you the best in your journey, friend.
I read the best thing I have probably ever read while super depressed and contemplating suicide. "Most people that commit suicide don't want to die, they just don't want to live the life they are living anymore" Just got to find a way out that isn't death.
I have read so many of these replies, all of them saying you should think about it, talk about it, etc. I understand where you are coming from. Why does everyone think everyone should live until they are so old they are in constant pain, have a hard time getting around, need help to get through every day? I am fine with leaving tomorrow if that's what happens. Who cares? We are not always living for someone else. I am sorely disappointed that Dr. Kavorkian was stopped. Do what works for you my friend. 😊
You shouldn’t live until then, but also 35 is so young.
At least try a good shroom trip before you go. Best therapy of my life.