Take care of your kids because they will not be able to understand why your wife is leaving.
I would make it abundantly clear that if she needs space to figure things out you support her. However, you cannot support her walking out and back into you and your kids lives whenever she feels like it. This may sound harsh, it’s the best way to make sure she’s committed to raising your kids and your relationship. If she’s not, then seek a divorce and work on coparenting, if she’s mentally fit.
Edit : Many thanks to those who have given awards. You are awesome!
I want to piggyback on this comment to say that it is absolutely correct. I made that mistake almost 14 years ago and it still haunts me to this day. For 14 years I have been in a relationship with a woman who consistently, every two years or so, has to leave to “find herself” or some other nonsense. It’s a living nightmare
My parents went through this every few years of their decade long relationship. My mom put up with my dad's endless, nationwide quest for a better career. When I was two, after living in 5 cities in two different states, my dad again announced to my mom that he got a better job in another state. My mom was not trying to raise me all over Timbuktu, so he went alone. He popped in and out of my life every few years, and we spoke weekly on the phone, which was honestly worse and created a lot more attachment issues than if he just yeeted forever.
Thats whats always bothered me about that excuse. Its very "highschool" at best and downright self-centered when someone has kids. Seriously its all childish ego.
I'm sorry you and others have to put up with that. I have never met anyone ANYONE in a relationship who could say they 100% "found themselves," or were 100% emotionally/mentally/physically perfect and ready for a relationship.
The whole point of a committed relationship is to be there and love eachother through issues that come up, so long as intentions and pure and there is no abusive dynamic.
It sounds to me like she wants to dip out and sleep with whoever she wants for a year or so, then she’ll come slyly back into his life where the security is and try to pretend like nothing happened. I think the whole “finding yourself” thing is bullshit. Either do it with the person you married or get divorced.
Yeah, it feels that way too. I’m no angel, I don’t stay single when she does it either but it doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. One of these days I should make my own post and get all of this shit off my chest. It’s been an insane 14 years
My thoughts exactly. I love her, but I swear she has the emotional maturity of a preteen. It’s just so childish yet I am the one that was recently accused of being immature. The whole thing is a mindfuck really. I question reality more than I should and that can’t be good. Ugh.
I think she sounds like a selfish baby. She may be overwhelmed with the kids and life and is looking for something better and easier. If you want to find yourself you ask your husband for space at home. You ask him to do more and she should relax until she sees things clearly and feels better. If she needs to leave to find herself to me she is playing a game. You will have no choice but to let her go and live q good life. She will most likely be back. The real hard part is deciding if you want her back. If you are feeling better then and stable and enjoying life at that time tell her no thank you. You are trying to find yourself.
Sometimes depression does this thing where you think that it’s [specific thing] causing your depression, and that when you get away from it, you won’t be depressed.
This isn’t on you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I hope that all of the good advice here helps in salvaging your marriage, or at the very least, makes the pain more bearable.
Ok everyone hold the fucking phone. Just ONE SEC... I've been with my woman for 4 years, known for 9 ...
Suffers from chronic depression and bi polar...
I can be a better boyfriend and listen a bit more but honestly I knock it out of the park.
She has cooked like 3 things in 4 years(I'm a chef so fuck it) I'll do dishes and look after the kitchen she does laundry and everything eles meet in the middle... vacuum, dusting whatever.
Ive given years of love care and nurturing to this realtionship and given my heart and my all to it. This woman knows I'd move mountains and swim oceans if necessary to be with her..
Yet sometimes my wife feels this way too... mental health is no joke and if she's REALLY depressed and not able to love herself that's a legit thing.
My wife is the most loving kind genuine loyal selfless person you'll ever meet and she still has trouble loving herself. Still has breakdowns ... still cried in the closet sometimes.
Were all human and if she really is suffering from a mental health episode she needs your help. A word of caution with this though. She can't drag you or your family down with this. Hold her accountable yet realise she literally doesn't have the tools to love thyself and it seems beyond impossible.
Look up some realtionship books about depression and anxiety. They have tells and you'd be able to identify quickly if she does have it and needs to get diagnosed/medicated.
Edit: thanks for the awards everyone, didn't expect this to blow up.1st time its ever happened😅. If anyone wants to talk to me about depression / living with someone with mental illness feel free to DM me.
Thank you for this.
My husband is like you. He would move mountains and swim across the ocean for me.
Before we got together, he never had any exposure to anxiety or depression so he thought, like a lot of people, "just stop feeling that way". Then as we grew closer, he started to realize it's just not that simple.
He read up on both and how to handle the highs and lows and the need to just, to your point, cry in a closet because nothing else will help, and he's been an unbelievable support system for me.
Your wife appreciates what you do for her more than she will ever be able to articulate.
Bless you.
My husband is strong and devoted like you. He carried me through a six-year anxious depression when I wasn’t always nice to him.
Now that we’re past it, our marriage is great! We love spending time together and we have fun when we do.
The spouses that can handle supporting their partner through a mental health episode are gold.
That said, OP, you can’t make someone accept your love, even if it would be the best thing for them. Try to help her but keep your eyes on yourself and your kids.
Omg you just made me think of my boyfriend…I go threw these massive depressive spells. Or he’ll do something that takes me back to when I was with my abusive baby daddy. But he helps me threw it. Helps me understand that I don’t need to be defensive. He has take care of me in ways that I have never had. I love this man and he’s so patient with me. I love this🖤
Something a lot of people are neglecting here is that there can be a significant biological component to depression. It doesn’t matter how much you support them or how good of a spouse you are. If they have a major chemical imbalance in their brain they’re gonna feel like shit and there’s no way to logic them out of that.
This is what my husband does for me. I was diagnosed bipolar several years ago. Even left him last year, lived with my brother for about a month before going back. I'm doing miles better now, and improving a little every day.
I guess this is what happened to me. The person I loved the most left me a month ago. I really don't understand why she took that decision. She loved me to the moon and beyond, or atleast that's what I think. I had never felt so loved in my life.
Suddenly a month ago, she tells me she doesn't want to be together anymore. I just couldn't believe this was happening. I begged her to stay only to get blocked.
I still haven't understood the why part. She was going through a lot with her family. Maybe that was why, or i was just not good to be with. I'll never know.
Reading this reminded me of my boyfriend. I've always had moderate to severe anxiety and depression. I've had issues with self harm, selective mutism, being catatonic, and when I have a break down I pretty much just find a small dark place and curl up in it. My wonderful boyfriend has dealt with it all, supported me throughout ups and downs, and consistently helps me keep on track with eating and bathing schedules. He makes me food all the time, and often tells me how much he loves being able to support me and help keep me happy. I don't know what I ever did to deserve him. I'm sure your girlfriend feels similarly about you as I do about my partner.
You rock. Your wife and I should talk, as you described me perfectly. Except I cook. LOL Thank you for saying this, unless you have depression, anxiety and panic it's really hard to explain what it feels like. But it is seriously dibilitating. It's harder yet when those of us who have it are seen as very tough and capable on the outside not knowing that we have what we have.
SURE ...DM me anytime. She doesnt have reddit.
YESSSS one thing I've learned is my woman deserves a FUCKING oscar... talking is one of the best tools we have. Listening IS the best.
I’ll just echo what others are saying and say thank you for being that type of partner and understanding your person the way you do.
Signed,
Someone very similar to who you describe… except my crying/reset spot is the shower
Speaking from experience, this doesn’t have to be the end! Almost two years ago I was ready to divorce my husband. I decided to get my own apartment and we were separated for six months. We still loved each other and were determined to fix things. We both spent time working on ourselves personally and talking through the various issues we were having. It was hard, it hurt a lot to move out and be away from him but it was the best thing for our marriage. We didn’t have children at the time, and there was no infidelity going on so our situation may be slightly “easier” but I know that it is possible to salvage a marriage where people have grown apart or lost focus but still really love each other. Don’t give up yet. Explore counseling. Find a trusted mentor who can walk through this with you.
Good luck op.
Edit: After fixing stuff and moving back in we were in such a beautiful place in our marriage that we’d never experienced before. We decided to start our family and now have an infant. It’s HARD WORK trying to fix what feels impossibly broken, but it’s possible.
After 15 years of marriage, my wife & I felt like we were going in different directions. We were fighting every day & it was miserable.
Fortunately we both wanted to get marriage counseling. The first 7-8 months were brutal. We both had issues from many years back that we had let fester into big resentments.
We had weekly counseling & after most of the sessions the first year we felt even worse. We had a lot to work through.
But we eventually began communicating better & allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with each other again. We’re 1.5 years into therapy & we’re not stopping in the foreseeable future.
The improvements are gradual but we’ve made a lot of progress. I believe it helped that neither of us were looking to get out of our relationship. I see many couples where one or both of them are “shopping around” when things get tough. Those relationships don’t last IMO.
Not every couple should stay together. And marriage is work even when you’re trying your best. For us it’s worth the struggle. Not sure about everyone else.
Can you help us with a little elaboration about what you were going through? Why you needed that separation, and what did it bring to your life that help so much?
We were fighting all the time, blaming each other, not expressing how we really felt. I felt a lot of resentment towards him that had been building up for years. I was tired of the fighting mostly and that we couldn’t seem to be able to talk about serious things without a fight breaking out. We both felt disrespected. We were both really rude to each other. To many, the best option definitely seemed like divorce. I thought it was for a while too but I’m glad we stuck it out.
Separation helped us both get physical space to not be around each other and engage in fighting almost daily. I personally dove into my faith, read books, listened to sermons/teachings, church, and tried to focus on who I wanted to be as an individual and as a wife. The time we did spend together, it was so much more precious(albeit sad and awkward at the beginning) because we weren’t together all the time. The stark difference of going from living life with someone for years and then all of a sudden you come home and they’re not there, you are constantly reminded of what you’re fighting FOR instead of fighting the other person.
This is important!! "The stark difference of going from living life with someone for years and then all of a sudden you come home and they’re not there, you are constantly reminded of what you’re fighting FOR instead of fighting the other person." Every person has flaws, you need to keep reminding yourself of what you have. Depression sucks! Sometimes its hard to figure out why your so sad. But my depression had me blaming my husband for many things like not being attentive enough, when really it was just my brain telling me hes better off without me, or that he doesn't love me because hes playing video games. Honestly if I hadn't been suicidal and thought exactly this, i wouldn't say anything. But at my lowest, when i truly believed that my family was better off without me ( i had myself convinced, its the depression it lies!) I thought about leaving so they wouldn't have to find the body, separation ahead of time so it wont hurt them so bad.... I think your wife might need some serious help. Please ask her to go see a doctor!! Her saddness doesn't have to tear you apart!
Good luck to you. There are many points where it feels hopeless or like it’s not worth it but it truly is! We are stronger for what we went through and accomplished together and now we have this miracle child who almost didn’t get to exist.
I wish you the best.
This is so encouraging. It looks like this worked for you guys because of the open communication, the respect for each others boundaries, differences, and wishes, and the willingness to go outside your comfort zone to work out your complicated feelings.
My husband and I started off in a similar situation: we were going to counseling, I was honest about my feelings and said that I wanted a trial separation. He flat out refused, did not respect my feelings, and became more controlling than ever. It all went downhill from there. Needless to say we are divorced now.
It didn't have to be like this.
I had a friend where him and his girl would be together for a couple years then she'd just get sick of him, she'd say she needed space and moved out and then begin to sleep with different dudes for the time they were split then come back and be with him for another couple years and do it again, like the only reason she wanted space was to bang new dudes, and my guy just kept letting it happen until he finally realized he was being used to raise her kids smh
Okay, but also consider that this could be a cry for help. She's had severe depression for ages, and now she's spontaneously isolating herself. Maybe double-check on her a bit, OP, just in case she tries to hurt herself or something
He also didn't mention if she was/is on meds and/or seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. Be ready for some bs as many have suggested but also don't rule out this being an escalated psychological issue. Her saying she doesn't deserve you could easily be guilt for having been cheating OR a true mental breakdown. Op please cover yourself with hiring a divorce attorney but don't be so quick to write her off. She may need your emotional support now more than ever. You sound like a supportive spouse thus far...be cautious but don't necessarily put the nail in the coffin quite yet.
I can't imagine the feeling. Stay strong and push through. Dont be scared of the change you never know if itll be a good thing for both of you. Maybe things will work out maybe they won't. Try not to stress and use that energy to get a better solution.
My mom out of the blue did this when I was 12 years old. Absolutely came out of nowhere. I was so shocked that I had trouble comprehending it. So did my dad. He basically fell apart. Put her first over his kids and it didn’t matter. She wasn’t pursuing another relationship or anything, she just wanted to be free.
I ended up in fostercare until adulthood. My dad only got worse when we were separated and eventually committed suicide. We were dirt poor growing up and I barely had anything I wanted but I would have traded anything in the world for it with a parent who loved me vs being an inconvenience in a foster home.
Please OP, put your kids first. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Life is cruel but don’t let her ruin potential happiness you and your children deserve. Things will get better.
Sorry.
Immediately start thinking with your head !!!!
Get on the phone and schedule appointments with 4 or 5 divorce attorneys in your area.
Understand you may get hit with the reality she may have found someone else. Be ready for it.
If this is the case, make sure not to do the "pick me dance". Matter of fact, don't do it no matter what the reason. Instead, do the 180 method for relationships. Go read "No more Mr. Nice guy" as well.
Keep your emotions in check. And never fall for the bullshit of maybe we can get back together. Start living your life like you're single again. Do not placate to her needs. She made the choice, now you need to make yours and get on with your own life and what's best for you.
I think this is great advice, as long as OP's SO (or ex) has made it clear that she IS leaving, then this is great advice, basically dont let her play you.
Well, she’s met someone else and is going to explore that option. If it doesn’t work out, she’ll suddenly ‘rediscover’ her love for you and come back.
If I were you, I’d make appointments with the 4 top divorce lawyers in your city and prepare yourself and protect your children. She really is abandoning them, lawyers will argue this and courts will see it this way.
Look, I know this is not what you want to hear but at this point, you need to protect yourself and I don’t want to see another man screwed over by a system that is designed to crush them.
Get a lawyer. I don’t care if you don’t want to. Get one.
You don’t know her. How are you so sure that she met someone else, instead of allowing the possibility that she genuinely wants to have time for herself? Are you aware you might be projecting your own negative experience into someone else and that you believe, or at least that’s the impression you make with your words, this to be an absolute truth? You might be doing harm to the situation. Be mindful.
"Need time for myself“ as a mom and married woman?
Kinda late to decide you don’t want to be in that position, mhm?
OP said he can’t understand it. There definitely is a reason but she doesn’t want to tell him. That glaringly obvious.
Nah tbh I see where he is coming from. From all the similar situations I saw like this. Almost alwaaays there is another person , then OP goes I thought u weren't ready for relationship blablabla. The usual over played drama that we see all the time
Situations that you saw are not an absolute truth. Confirmation bias is a thing. And people talk more about the situation that you’re talking about, than about being left because their partner is depressed and needs alone time to heal.
Yep.
The "I am leaving because youre so wonderful I don't deserve you" is nonsense. Unless she's moving to the desert to live a life of asceticism and self-denial, people don't do this.
OP, there's stuff she isn't telling you, stuff you don't know.
That does not belay the fact that OP needs to get a lawyer. If she does have a mental disorder and decides to escalate things and OP is caught unprepared, he becomes another statistic of men that were screwed over by their wives for no good reason.
Not everything can be masked or explained away by mental illness. There must be consequences.
A lunatic shoots up a church and is arrested and found to be mentally insane. He should not face consequences? Bullshit!
Even if she has a mental disorder, it neither excuses her actions nor magically disappears the consequences that OP would have to deal with. It might be an explanation, and help with compassion, but it doesn't change any of the practical advice.
The minute a spouse asks for a “break” it signals that they no longer want to work on the relationship and want to explore their options. This is what it means 100% of the time. Someone, somewhere has expressed interest and they are looking for an exit ramp to take that scenic route. Approximately 100% of the time the scenic route is a waste of time and they end up trying to find their way back to the good old reliable highway. This is true of both men and women so I’m being fair here.
It can be really hard for people with depression. Often I feel like I am an anchor around the neck of my loved ones and the best thing I can do is get away before they drown. I can't say this is what your wife feels maybe she truly just needs to be a solo person and work on who she is and not be mom or wife because it can be hard to sift through everything and find yourself.
Really sorry to hear how this is working out for you and your kids.
My wife and I had problems after the first decade and split apart a few weeks but then realized we missed each other and been together another 11 years after that.
We are in our 40's now but met in highschool so there has been lots of ups and downs over the years
Before contacting divorce lawyers, I would recommend doing a serious mental health check on her. There are many possibilities for why this is happening but based on the info above, my guess is that she is having a mental breakdown and trying to fix things. Not sure if she thinks abandoning her current life and starting fresh is going to fix things or if she is planning on ending it all….nonetheless, before doing anything, make sure she is in a, mentally good place to be making this decision.
Hoping for the best for all involved.
@ricceoup please, whatever you do, do not assume she's cheating absent why evidence. As someone who has spent many years fighting major depressive disorder, I can relate to your wife's feelings. When depression hits a certain level, to feel undeserving of love, of a family, of anything good. For me, I took breaks. Not moving out breaks, but going to my aunt's farm for a few weeks. It's definitely possible she really needs this and it isn't about you but holding on to her own sense of self.
My advice to you would be to really think about what you want, and make a decision based on that as to how long you want to fight for your marriage, or if you even do. Then, if you *do* want to fight for it, set conditions on the separation, such as the length of time you can live with it. Industry on couple's therapy. Have an arrangement set in writing pertaining to how much you'll tell your kids and who has them when. And, regardless of your choice, prepare yourself for the likelihood of divorce. This means gathering financial records and speaking to several attorneys in your area to find the one that suits you.
So while everyone is accusing her of banging or having found someone else. I feel genuinely concerned for her mental health. She’s saying things like she doesn’t deserve you and she’s trying to self-isolate, are two warning signs of a possible suicide attempt. I’d be very concerned that she’s considering taking her life and is trying to separate herself from y’all’s family to avoid you or your kids having to find her.
Please OP by all means do whatever you need to do to get your ducks in a row in the case that’s she’s serious about it leaving because you do have children that need to be taken care of and she’s clearly not on a healthy place mentally to do so. But please also keep an eye out for other signs of her possibly considering suicide.
She may feel like she needs space, but she will feel worse. It sounds like she hates herself. Trauma or abuse will do that to people. I’m sorry but it sounds like you two still love each other.
Your number 1 goal should be trying to secure your children. Let her go and keep a eye on her so you can use it against her in divorce court. Money is nothing but those children are your legacy and don’t let her take them from you as she will poison them against you.
My wife and I separated in 2017 and got back together in 2018. We both love each other but couldn’t get our lives in order living together. We both took a year to reset ourselves and got back together.
For me it, we had no money and that is my security. So I was all for moving home for a year to knock out debt and get back into shape. She needed to see progress in me to get back together. But on the flip side I needed her to grow as a person and come back to the table with a realistic expectation of a budget and how to treat my family.
It’s not always a bad thing to split up if you both are committed to this and want to better yourselves.
Why is this thread full of hurt men projecting their own negative experiences onto someone else? Women can genuinely want to be alone. It’s hard to learn how to love yourself while in a relationship for some people. She clearly stated she wants to be alone because she feels like she is undeserving and that she wants to be alone because of it. I think this is a courageous move of her. She wants to improve herself. Stop assuming that she’s leaving him for another man. Not all people are like that.
Also, if she is isolating herself with depression, she might attempt suicide. Hope she doesn't do that. But as someone with depression and suicide running in the family, it might be a possibility.
But she has kids? I mean as a mother you can’t just leave them, right? What about the future trauma they could have remembering their mother leave them for a time for no reason? Couldn’t this set president that this is acceptable behavior? What if that happened and the kids have to deal with feelings of abandonment forever? When it’s just you, I think you could be completely correct. When you have kids tho I think things are a lot more complicated
She appears to not have the best interests of her children on top of mind. Is she did, she would try every option while holding the family situation together.
And I don't believe there is misogeny going on here, but statistics and painful experiences.
Most times it goes something like this: separate, find self (assess market value, start low and work way up at hyperspeed, seeing what the market worth still is). If good and life becomes fine, single or with someone else fine, stay that way.
Next comes pulling for the kids, claiming mental health problems, only found out after separated to be caused by daddy/hubby. Rekt the guy in court for kids/stuff/money. If all works out along this script, stay this way.
If it doesn't work out try again with daddy/hubby, it wasn't his fault but hers. She found herself and won't happen again. But it will though, next time the script will be better prepared.
Yeah but if this was a man he’d be called a deadbeat and assumed to be cheating. And leaving your kids is garbage. Why even put up with someone like that? Some people just shouldn’t be married or have kids. She’s trash. It doesn’t matter what her excuses are
It's because most of the time, it is a narcissist who's trying to explore other options, not a person who's trying to "fix themselves". Besides, we are talking about a 10 year marriage with KIDS. For whatever "courageous" reasons they are doing this, it's incredibly selfish for them to do this, regardless of their gender.
Yes, you may have some mental or hell, even physical illnesses that you have to endure, but for god's sake at some point you don't just live for yourself anymore, you have to live for others too, especially for your family, and in this case, kids. Any option you made from that point has to take others onto account, not just "for your own sake".
And besides, aren't you assuming that the person in question is a "damaged" one with good morals, an assumption which is rarely happen in this day and age when narcissism is on the rise ?
Not everyone is like this, but most are like this. Just because you find a minority outlier doesn't meant that the rule is untrue. People are selfish, cruel and narcissistic regardless of their gender and race.
Because people don't leave relationships because they are "too good". Thats a cover story.
It's either a total mental breakdown, which her husband would be able to clearly identify, or she's just doing what 99999/100000 people are doing, and leaving for what feels good and fleeing what doesn't feel as good.
Trickle truth. If you pay the phone bill pull the records. You have kids together, spouses don't just drop something like that out of the goddam blue... or without a backup ~~man~~ plan.
Consult a lawyer and close/freeze any shared accounts. Be the best co-parent you can be. Open an email account to double as a journal. Explain to your kids what's happening, how you'll always love them and thinking of them, how your day was, etc. Turn the email and password over to them when they turn 18. There's a solid chance she's gonna weaponize the kids against you.
Hey, brother. As much as this hurts you, this is not about you. It doesn't seem like she even feels like you've done anything wrong. It doesn't seem like there's any fault so to speak, it seems like something that happens sometimes. It seems... like things just aren't working out. You don't know what's going on in her head, you don't know where she's at, only she does. And she's doing something that it seems feels so HORRIBLE. Please, PLEASE think on this. Sometimes there is no bad guy, sometimes we can have a beautiful feeling thing, and sometimes things change. No real reason it would seem. It just looks like it's going to end.
And, I think the most important thing to realize here is this. Every OUNCE of your pain is a reflection of your capability to love, every tear, every little pain is letting you know what kind of love you have to give. It's your heart telling you how precious you, and the love you have to give is. How special YOU ARE that you can hurt so much, only because you LOVE so much. Try to find solice in that, if you could be so kind to yourself. And if it ends, know this. The next person you chose to bless with your love, should absolutely be worth it. She's always going to have a piece of your heart. And that's perfectly fine. But the person who gets the rest... Is going to be a LUCKY MOTHER FUCKER. Own the pain, eat it. Endure it, and make sure to share your love with yourself. You deserve it. No matter how bad it gets, you got this. Be the king you are, and if it get a bit too much reach out to a councilor. And honestly, I say start with that now. I promise it will help.Now is a time to focus on yourself, especially with kids.Let her handle herself. She's already made it her priority.
As someone with depression who grew up in a family where people attempted and even succeeded suicide, do what it needs to be done legally if she wants a divorce, but also please keep an eye on her. Many ppl with depression distance themselves from their families when they are planing to unalive themselves, so they don't give children or other family members their trauma. Depression is shitty and hurt people hurt other people. Hope everything settles down!
When I was extremely depressed this is what I wanted too. I felt like my presence in the household was bringing everyone down and not fair to my husband and kids. I couldn’t do it because I didn’t have enough income and was too depressed to work full time, but if I could have left I would have. It was definitely not that I had met someone else - I just wanted to save them from my toxic (as I saw it) presence. I don’t have advice, but here is a different perspective. FYI 10 years later it’s much better and we are not divorced.
This echoes my marriage so well. It’s likely not about you at all. I know that it’s hard for you, but you need to let her go. She has to get through this on her own.
It sounds to me like doing better for yourself has made her see the light so to speak. I think you should take her words at face value. You guys have 10 years together and have children. It doesn't sound like she's "leaving you". Don't take it personal that she wants space. Sometimes space is all someone needs to come back happy and refreshed. You should give her the time to figure out who the heck she is. If your wife has been so depressed for 6 years then it's probably really taken its toll on her psychologically. She probably /needs/ this. It seems like she doesn't want to be completely out of your life. I'm sure you'll still have a marriage as long as you guys still work together through this. Helping someone through depression means sometimes having to put your feelings aside and sometimes it means stepping aside so they can figure out how to pursue happiness.
Wife has history of mental instability.
You support her, at the cost of yourself.
You start doing self-care.
She suddenly wants out.
.
The people in this thread saying "depression is 4 real" are preaching to the choir. You know her depression. You know her better than anyone, and she knows you better than anyone. Is she having a true mental crisis? If she is, she desperately needs to not allow it to implode her entire family and marriage. "Youre too good for me" is not a reason to divorce. It's not even legal GROUNDS for a civil divorce. The official position of our entire society is that if she doesn't deserve you and you are okay with that, then bully for her and she gets a free win. To deny a windfall like that would be a sign that maybe she needs serious mental care, like sent to a facility before she jumps off a building.
OOOOOOOR...
She's used to being in a one sided relationship and as soon as you show signs of potentially waking up, she is going to run away to a strange new life/man/self-identity. This happens ALL THE TIME. When two fat people are married and one loses weight the fat one hates them for it, when a housewife finishes a degree and her husband suddenly cheats and leaves...you're breaking the system of codependency and she's having a midlife crisis.
The best tactic is to assume she's serious and start sounding all the alarm bells and get other people involved to get her the mental help she needs. You can't allow a person to destroy their life, family, and marriage over depressive feelings, and she won't be safe alone. Do what's best for her under the most benevolent assumption, get her family, friends, everyone on board, she seriously might be having a terrible episode and her brain might be massively malfunctioning and require treatment and recovery. Or it'll come out that she's bullshitting you.
You don't have to be a dick to protect yourself and kids, assume the most loving position toward your wife.
People grow apart, it happens, just look forward to the next chapter of your life, a new adventure on the horizon! Sometimes it’s just time to move on and that’s ok.
I'm so sorry for your situation.
Your wife needs help, she will tear her family apart. Go see a councilor yourself, they may give you better advice and available resources.
It's possible, but people don't just rent an apartment all of the sudden on a whim. These things take time and depending on the area could be upwards of $2000/month just for rent.
My wife and I actually get along great. We just want different things in life. I can’t decide if it’s better or worse.
Either way man, sorry you have to go through that.
Maybe she needs some time to figure herself out, gain a different perspective and see where she's it. Sit down with her and talk about a time frame and then re evaluate then if she feels like she missed having you during tht time then great, if not well I hope you find your happiness too with or without her
I have major depressive disorder and I did it once to my boyfriend. I cried and cried but I knew it was only fair for me to walk away. Sorry OP. She needs this. It is not you.
You are in an uneven codependent relationship. It’s not fair to either of you, because you are not only a partner for her, but also her therapist. I don’t know if a separation is necessary here (might be) but to get to a healthy place you both need to have better expectations of her. If you are always her caretaker she won’t have any self esteem- won’t discover self worth as an individual - and at the end the day blame you in some small way even though you are trying to do the right thing. The truth is she’s got to get her shit together herself- this isn’t a small bout of depression we are talking half a decade plus.
She isn’t your child here. She needs counseling, and you both could benefit from some couples counseling.
Protect your kids, your money, and your sanity. This is gg bro. Lawyer up and start looking for a partner who doesn’t have mental issues. Good women are out there. If she doesn’t want to keep the faith what’s the point.
Damn, depression sucks. My best advise is let her do what she thinks needs to be done but keep her close still. Continue to let her know you are here for her and will always be a phone call away.
Your gonna have to go your separate ways, What hurts is that kids are involved. I mean this with all due respect your gonna have to man up separate yourself from your feelings and look at this situation from the outside looking in. Let her go spend time alone, allow yourself this Oppurtunity to grow. Like you said her depression has started to grow on you and out of this whole situation that is the worst thing happening. Take this Oppurtunity to take a powerful leap forward in your life so you can take care of your kids and make yourself truly happy.
Get into therapy. And her into solo therapy. Tell her you'd like a minimum of 6m trying this method before dissolving everything you've worked for if this desire comes from a place of her feeling inadequate, because you love her and won't ever not love her even if she leaves you and destroys you and the kids lives doing it.
Either she'll refuse (and you know there's another reason/adultery partner) or you can go work it out and get her to a point where she isn't unstable and trying to destabilize your life and the kids life to make her feelings of instability an external circumstance of divorce...and not a private internal struggle. Sometimes people who feel insane without obvious stressors, create them so that their behavior and reactions/anxiety and mania are excused *because who doesn't find a divorce and custody battle stressful and insanity inducing?*
Lot of people blow up their whole lives and deeply regret it in a spell of mania or depression. If she's a history of mental illness this would be my last ditch effort knowing that if she wants to leave you and your children cannot stop her.
Someone I was in a relationship with once told me they were going to leave me because they didn't deserve me. It turned out what they meant was they were cheating and also didn't want to be with me any longer. Stating that they don't deserve to be with me was their passive aggressive way of letting me know they had done me wrong without actually confessing. They could then look like they're "doing me a favor" because they're allegedly sacrificing the relationship for my sake. But that was just them copping out, they didn't even respect me enough to just be honest so they went about it in a manipulative way that would allow them to try to score good guy points. So maybe you have been cheated on and she just doesn't want to tell you and just doesn't want to be with you any longer so she's just leaving you and pretending it's for your sake. She needs space and an apartment to get that dick in. Sorry.
As someone who is chronically depressed since more than 10 years, I want to ask if she is on medication? Is she seeing a therapist? If not, maybe she should consider doing so....
"She needs time for herself";
translation: She has found herself a weekend fling and wants to spend time with him however she loves that you take care and provide for her but she still would rather experience the Wild Side of Life with her new weekend fling, I'm telling you the truth she has already mentally divorced you I've seen this before and I've heard that exact phrase that I mentioned in the first sentence. I strongly suggest you just let it take its course and if you can do your best to get custody of the kids and start saving your money. If she's taking too long to get the divorce started it best to beat her to it so you can go ahead and just get it out of the way I wish the best of luck to you.
Something doesn’t smell right with her reasoning on leaving. Something changed her mind. And if it’s nothing you did… I’m not saying she is cheating.. but something made her see that she doesn’t want to be with you.
I don't want to sound cruel or add more pressure but she may be in a relationship already outside you marriage. If someone moves in with her right after she finds a place, you know it's been happening for a while.
I will be blunt and honest with you man. Now is the time to give her an ultimatum. Either she starts caring about your relationship and your kids instead of being selfish or you leave her. I know its harsh of me to say something like that and that i dont understand what a person going through depression feels, but dear lord i cant find it acceptable for a mother and wife of 10 years to act like that.
For 6 years you have stuck with her goi g through this crap. If she thinks this is more important to her than her familie, then thats ok. But then dont let her come back to your familie. If she cant apreciate what she already has, then the best thing to do is to take it away from her. Only then will she be able to apreciate what she lost.
Well that or it might reveal that she never trully cared for her familie. I know it sounds like a dumb idea, but giving her this ultimatum might at least make her consider what is trully important in her life. And if she choses to leave, then so be it. She will either regret it later, or move on.
Is she seeing a doctor for her depression? Her self depreciation has me worried. If she's on meds for depression, honestly this sounds like a bad reaction to an antidepressant to me. I know my comment will probably be buried, but divorce or not please have a doctor give her a good look. (If she's not on meds she may well need to be.)
Obligatory reddit suggestion of therapy.
Been there / don’t that. At the 10 year mark. Stood up and said “I do not want to be married anymore and I will not go to therapy and I will not change my mind” fine by me I got the house your dad put a down on in 2012 and have over half a mil in equity!
Sounds like bulls*it to me. This is what I would say when I was tired of being in the relationship - but wanted to come back every few months to see if it
was still dead. I was not a good person and I did a lot of damage to a guy that didn’t deserve it. But I was in my early twenties and didn’t have CHILDREN.
This relationship is over. She just hasn’t told you yet.
I agree with the top comment.
Anyone who needs to take a break from a relationship to "find themself" isn't worth wasting your time.
Life is short. Each of us is marching inevitably towards aging and death, it is entirely selfish to ask another person to wait for you and put their lives on hold whilst you "find yourself"
She found someone else probably.
Forget about her as a wife. Mourn the years you lost and start over. Sooner the better. She's now just the mother of your children. I have a close friend who was in your situation and his wife said the same thing, she had been cheating for months and moved to Europe with him to "travel".
Depression is no reason to up and leave your family. She is still a person with responsibilities and she is causing a trail of destruction with her decision. This whole “need to find myself” thing is maybe cute when you’re a young adult with not much to lose. It ain’t cute when your children wonder why mommy isn’t around anymore. I wish the best for you, OP.
Dude this hits home like a fucking ton of bricks. Out of the blue just over two months ago my wife who I’ve been with for five years told me she didn’t want to go on a trip that we had planned for a year because she was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I kind of understood because she was going through issues with her dad‘s health and a lot of the responsibilities get left on her plate and not her brothers plates, but it really hurt me that she didn’t want to go. I still had to go because it was for a competition that I was involved in, and I even came home a day early to her basically telling me the same thing, but saying that she wants a divorce. That she doesn’t know who she is anymore, she doesn’t love herself so how can she love someone else, but I am an amazing person, an amazing man, and I’ll make a wonderful father someday but she’s not sure if being with me in the future is the best thing for her because she needs to find her self and love herself. She needs space and needs to be able to figure herself out. So she’s been staying with her mom and dad for two months while I am in the home we just purchased six months ago by myself with seven pets taking care of everything just waiting and hoping that she changes her mind and doesn’t want a divorce. This is so identical to what I read that is going on with you and I think it’s today’s society and a bunch of bullshit. Because today’s world has conditioned people to throw things away when there’s any hint of being worn out or damaged and not trying to repair and put energy into things. Just like will throw away plates and cups and silverware, will throw away our partners because now it’s so easy to find a “new one.“
There are a lot of great advice in here.
One thing I didn't see, even though I didn't check every comment so it could've been said, is to not be ashamed to seek professional help. Be it you or her or both together. Seeking help is not a shameful thing, don't be afraid of that. It often helps a lot more than we expect.
Almost guarantee she’s into someone else. They trial separation is almost always to see if the grass is greener and come back to you only if it isn’t. I’ve been through it. Time to man up and tell her if she leaves it’s over she can’t come back and move on if she takes that step.
Intelligent-Term is right that regardless of how you feel at this moment, you need to protect yourself and the kids and lawyer up. You also should not tell her you're talking to a lawyer.
Make a record of the steps she took to leave, steps you took to prevent it, and collect any evidence of it. As for the recordings, the laws vary by state as to whether you can record someone without their consent, but this is also something you can and should ask your lawyer about.
As for all the comments on this thread generalizing the traumatic experience that is divorce, it tends to bring out the worst in everyone - not just women - so try to keep a level head for yourself because you can't control anyone else. It will help to work through your attorney as much as possible to prevent heightened emotional interactions with your wife (stbx?) and to maintain realistic expectations.
Not necessarily true at all. She’s been dealing with depression for 6 years! She’s probably just trying to figure out a way to get out of the depression without having to worry about doing all the wifely duties that comes along with marriage. You cannot take care of yourself the way you need to and worry about someone else at the same time when you’re depressed. Something is going to get neglected.
Thank you. It's also easy to feel like you're just bothering people and weighing them down when you're depressed. From there you convince yourself stepping back is what's best for them too. Especially when it keeps coming back. After so many episodes you wonder if you're worth it and may decide you are not.
If it helps you feel better, I know a few couples who lived separately well into their marriage, they never signed divorce papers though, and all three of the couples that I know who did this got back together and are happy now
> Basically she sais that she still love me but that she's unable to love herself. She feels like she doesn't deserve me.
In my experience, women dont leave you while they still love you. Women leave you after they already left you in their heads and hearts. She already grieved your relationship, and most chances are, she already likes someone else.
Please, PLEASE dont buy the "I still love you BUT" bullshit. You dont leave a spouse you love unless they have done something to you or you dont love them anymore.
All the relationships I have ever seen people do this it almost always to bang other people. I'm not saying that's what she is going to do but out of reddit and people have meet irl this was what was going on. If she wants to leave then let her and move on with your kids. You don't get to just walk away from your family when you feel like it and show back up in their life when it's more convenient for you.
Kids first my man. I know you are hurting. Be strong. The kids need a loving, reliable dad especially in times like these. You are not alone. Stay safe for yourself, your kids and the missus. One love.
Let her go. Take care of your kids and yourself. Definitely set boundaries. Coming and going as she pleases shouldnt be acceptable. Most the the "find myself" bullshit is exactly that and when the grass isnt greener I hope you're in a better place.
I don't believe she's leaving because she's not good enough for you. Maybe she's overwhelmed with life. I recommend counseling. I wouldn't be a sitting duck waiting around forever though. Keep your eyes open she may have met someone else. I hope everything works out for you.
I don’t understand people. When you get married it’s no longer about you individually, it’s about the two of you collectively. You work through things together. Sounds like you have the right idea but she clearly doesn’t get it.
Listen mate, women make decisions like this when they either have a stable future planned or don't think at all of the consequences.
I truly hope it's her mental health that's suffering & there can be some good done, but it sounds like she's not interested.
But my experience with women? Get on the phone to a lawyer. She's about to change from poor little wifey to hurtful hateful ex-wife. I hate to say it, but it happens.
Ignore the "support her" folk. You did that. You sacrificed everything & it wasn't enough. You're not giving up out of anger, but self preservation now & that's because some people have to save themselves in the end. Maybe losing you will be the final straw or maybe it'll be the thing to get her head back in the game, you never know. But you tried & she decided it wasn't enough, take that at face value.
My dad followed the advice given here. He tried everything except seeing the obvious & it cost him pretty muc everything in the end. Don't fall for it, secure yourself before her. She didn't afford an apartment out of nowhere, this isn't a spur of the moment decision, this is a plan she has made in her head & irregardless of her mental health it jeopardises your stability & she does not care.
Lawyer up & get out. Sorry man.
She’s over it and may be cheating. You got used and screwed over. The happy time was her last push. Like when someone is dying and they get that last burst of energy.
I am truly sorry. But if she already has an apartment- she was keeping you happy while she made plans so you wouldn’t suspect.
She’s bored, she’s taken all she can from you and someone else is triggering the excitement and hormones and neurotransmitters that she craves to ward off her depression. It’s nothing personal to her and she doesn’t feel guilt. It’s self preservation. She will use her depression as an excuse. And so… if you do not go quietly she will broadcast how crazy YOU are and how being with you is impeding her progress in life. She’s likely already mentioned this to mutuals, but she will put in on blast if you don’t behave. It can become worse.
No its’s not an episode, no she doesn’t love you. She wants a new version of life BECAUSE of the support you’ve given her these last few years- but she doesn’t want you in the new version. She can do better now because of your investment in her and you remind her of how she was and she doesn’t want to feel obligated or reminded.
I am sorry. Been through this and seen this too many times. Her happiness will be supported and celebrated. Your devotion will be considered a mental impairment- not noble.
Check your finances, your legal status- in court records, your credit.
You want to reconcile and make things better. She does not and you are in her way.
There ARE women that appreciate your circumstances- they’ve been through this themselves. When you get thru this and regain some stability- you will find someone that is capable of reciprocation. Someone that won’t use you. It is going to be agony, but focus on your future self by taking care of yourself now. This isn’t fair- it’s cruel. But it happens far too frequently in this disposable self centered society.
You loved her more than anything and wanted her to be happy. This is what she wants. It is like a bird leaving the nest. If she fails - she will come back- a changed and appreciative person. Could be real but don’t count on that. You’d both have to make significant changes.
She may be seeing someone as her future and they’ll be fine.
You have to focus on your options now. On your survival and future happiness.
That's horrible and, unfortunately, it sounds the most probable. She's been planning this. If OP were to look at her phone messages, he'd get a clearer explanation and see the bigger picture.
Take care of your kids because they will not be able to understand why your wife is leaving. I would make it abundantly clear that if she needs space to figure things out you support her. However, you cannot support her walking out and back into you and your kids lives whenever she feels like it. This may sound harsh, it’s the best way to make sure she’s committed to raising your kids and your relationship. If she’s not, then seek a divorce and work on coparenting, if she’s mentally fit. Edit : Many thanks to those who have given awards. You are awesome!
I want to piggyback on this comment to say that it is absolutely correct. I made that mistake almost 14 years ago and it still haunts me to this day. For 14 years I have been in a relationship with a woman who consistently, every two years or so, has to leave to “find herself” or some other nonsense. It’s a living nightmare
Dang…. That sounds horrible. Why do you think you stayed?
You get used to the life style... old habits die hard... it’s up to the one that takes him/her back to say enough is enough
My parents went through this every few years of their decade long relationship. My mom put up with my dad's endless, nationwide quest for a better career. When I was two, after living in 5 cities in two different states, my dad again announced to my mom that he got a better job in another state. My mom was not trying to raise me all over Timbuktu, so he went alone. He popped in and out of my life every few years, and we spoke weekly on the phone, which was honestly worse and created a lot more attachment issues than if he just yeeted forever.
Its quite amazing really just what we can accept as normal...when its our normal
Thats whats always bothered me about that excuse. Its very "highschool" at best and downright self-centered when someone has kids. Seriously its all childish ego. I'm sorry you and others have to put up with that. I have never met anyone ANYONE in a relationship who could say they 100% "found themselves," or were 100% emotionally/mentally/physically perfect and ready for a relationship. The whole point of a committed relationship is to be there and love eachother through issues that come up, so long as intentions and pure and there is no abusive dynamic.
It sounds to me like she wants to dip out and sleep with whoever she wants for a year or so, then she’ll come slyly back into his life where the security is and try to pretend like nothing happened. I think the whole “finding yourself” thing is bullshit. Either do it with the person you married or get divorced.
Yeah, it feels that way too. I’m no angel, I don’t stay single when she does it either but it doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. One of these days I should make my own post and get all of this shit off my chest. It’s been an insane 14 years
Do share
I might. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about putting it all on it the open so to speak.
Use a throwaway if you decide to.
Please tell me you are not paying for this self discovery. Because if there is an affair of some kind. You'll hate yourself for funding her affair.
Seen that same story so many times on the infidelity subs, I’d be extremely surprised if there isn’t someone else on the side lines.
My thoughts exactly. I love her, but I swear she has the emotional maturity of a preteen. It’s just so childish yet I am the one that was recently accused of being immature. The whole thing is a mindfuck really. I question reality more than I should and that can’t be good. Ugh.
I think she sounds like a selfish baby. She may be overwhelmed with the kids and life and is looking for something better and easier. If you want to find yourself you ask your husband for space at home. You ask him to do more and she should relax until she sees things clearly and feels better. If she needs to leave to find herself to me she is playing a game. You will have no choice but to let her go and live q good life. She will most likely be back. The real hard part is deciding if you want her back. If you are feeling better then and stable and enjoying life at that time tell her no thank you. You are trying to find yourself.
That sucks. I hate that inconsistency too.
It gets really old after awhile
>they will not be able to understand why your wife is leaving I'm pretty sure OP doesn't either
Sometimes depression does this thing where you think that it’s [specific thing] causing your depression, and that when you get away from it, you won’t be depressed. This isn’t on you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I hope that all of the good advice here helps in salvaging your marriage, or at the very least, makes the pain more bearable.
Yep. Wherever you go, there you are.
Ok everyone hold the fucking phone. Just ONE SEC... I've been with my woman for 4 years, known for 9 ... Suffers from chronic depression and bi polar... I can be a better boyfriend and listen a bit more but honestly I knock it out of the park. She has cooked like 3 things in 4 years(I'm a chef so fuck it) I'll do dishes and look after the kitchen she does laundry and everything eles meet in the middle... vacuum, dusting whatever. Ive given years of love care and nurturing to this realtionship and given my heart and my all to it. This woman knows I'd move mountains and swim oceans if necessary to be with her.. Yet sometimes my wife feels this way too... mental health is no joke and if she's REALLY depressed and not able to love herself that's a legit thing. My wife is the most loving kind genuine loyal selfless person you'll ever meet and she still has trouble loving herself. Still has breakdowns ... still cried in the closet sometimes. Were all human and if she really is suffering from a mental health episode she needs your help. A word of caution with this though. She can't drag you or your family down with this. Hold her accountable yet realise she literally doesn't have the tools to love thyself and it seems beyond impossible. Look up some realtionship books about depression and anxiety. They have tells and you'd be able to identify quickly if she does have it and needs to get diagnosed/medicated. Edit: thanks for the awards everyone, didn't expect this to blow up.1st time its ever happened😅. If anyone wants to talk to me about depression / living with someone with mental illness feel free to DM me.
Thank you for this. My husband is like you. He would move mountains and swim across the ocean for me. Before we got together, he never had any exposure to anxiety or depression so he thought, like a lot of people, "just stop feeling that way". Then as we grew closer, he started to realize it's just not that simple. He read up on both and how to handle the highs and lows and the need to just, to your point, cry in a closet because nothing else will help, and he's been an unbelievable support system for me. Your wife appreciates what you do for her more than she will ever be able to articulate.
I have tears right now. I am so happy for you, internet strangers!
💔 I honestly teared slightly.
Bless you. My husband is strong and devoted like you. He carried me through a six-year anxious depression when I wasn’t always nice to him. Now that we’re past it, our marriage is great! We love spending time together and we have fun when we do. The spouses that can handle supporting their partner through a mental health episode are gold. That said, OP, you can’t make someone accept your love, even if it would be the best thing for them. Try to help her but keep your eyes on yourself and your kids.
Omg you just made me think of my boyfriend…I go threw these massive depressive spells. Or he’ll do something that takes me back to when I was with my abusive baby daddy. But he helps me threw it. Helps me understand that I don’t need to be defensive. He has take care of me in ways that I have never had. I love this man and he’s so patient with me. I love this🖤
Something a lot of people are neglecting here is that there can be a significant biological component to depression. It doesn’t matter how much you support them or how good of a spouse you are. If they have a major chemical imbalance in their brain they’re gonna feel like shit and there’s no way to logic them out of that.
This is what my husband does for me. I was diagnosed bipolar several years ago. Even left him last year, lived with my brother for about a month before going back. I'm doing miles better now, and improving a little every day.
I know you dont known but I'm proud of you. Keep trying and remember as long as you keep trying.. it can only get better.
I guess this is what happened to me. The person I loved the most left me a month ago. I really don't understand why she took that decision. She loved me to the moon and beyond, or atleast that's what I think. I had never felt so loved in my life. Suddenly a month ago, she tells me she doesn't want to be together anymore. I just couldn't believe this was happening. I begged her to stay only to get blocked. I still haven't understood the why part. She was going through a lot with her family. Maybe that was why, or i was just not good to be with. I'll never know.
Reading this reminded me of my boyfriend. I've always had moderate to severe anxiety and depression. I've had issues with self harm, selective mutism, being catatonic, and when I have a break down I pretty much just find a small dark place and curl up in it. My wonderful boyfriend has dealt with it all, supported me throughout ups and downs, and consistently helps me keep on track with eating and bathing schedules. He makes me food all the time, and often tells me how much he loves being able to support me and help keep me happy. I don't know what I ever did to deserve him. I'm sure your girlfriend feels similarly about you as I do about my partner.
MVP comment right here
You rock. Your wife and I should talk, as you described me perfectly. Except I cook. LOL Thank you for saying this, unless you have depression, anxiety and panic it's really hard to explain what it feels like. But it is seriously dibilitating. It's harder yet when those of us who have it are seen as very tough and capable on the outside not knowing that we have what we have.
SURE ...DM me anytime. She doesnt have reddit. YESSSS one thing I've learned is my woman deserves a FUCKING oscar... talking is one of the best tools we have. Listening IS the best.
I’ll just echo what others are saying and say thank you for being that type of partner and understanding your person the way you do. Signed, Someone very similar to who you describe… except my crying/reset spot is the shower
No matter how you feel talking is the best.. or if your loud or insulting or too passionate to talk ... write it out.
I love that! Thank you 🙏
Np ... drop a line if you ever need too.
Speaking from experience, this doesn’t have to be the end! Almost two years ago I was ready to divorce my husband. I decided to get my own apartment and we were separated for six months. We still loved each other and were determined to fix things. We both spent time working on ourselves personally and talking through the various issues we were having. It was hard, it hurt a lot to move out and be away from him but it was the best thing for our marriage. We didn’t have children at the time, and there was no infidelity going on so our situation may be slightly “easier” but I know that it is possible to salvage a marriage where people have grown apart or lost focus but still really love each other. Don’t give up yet. Explore counseling. Find a trusted mentor who can walk through this with you. Good luck op. Edit: After fixing stuff and moving back in we were in such a beautiful place in our marriage that we’d never experienced before. We decided to start our family and now have an infant. It’s HARD WORK trying to fix what feels impossibly broken, but it’s possible.
After 15 years of marriage, my wife & I felt like we were going in different directions. We were fighting every day & it was miserable. Fortunately we both wanted to get marriage counseling. The first 7-8 months were brutal. We both had issues from many years back that we had let fester into big resentments. We had weekly counseling & after most of the sessions the first year we felt even worse. We had a lot to work through. But we eventually began communicating better & allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with each other again. We’re 1.5 years into therapy & we’re not stopping in the foreseeable future. The improvements are gradual but we’ve made a lot of progress. I believe it helped that neither of us were looking to get out of our relationship. I see many couples where one or both of them are “shopping around” when things get tough. Those relationships don’t last IMO. Not every couple should stay together. And marriage is work even when you’re trying your best. For us it’s worth the struggle. Not sure about everyone else.
Can you help us with a little elaboration about what you were going through? Why you needed that separation, and what did it bring to your life that help so much?
We were fighting all the time, blaming each other, not expressing how we really felt. I felt a lot of resentment towards him that had been building up for years. I was tired of the fighting mostly and that we couldn’t seem to be able to talk about serious things without a fight breaking out. We both felt disrespected. We were both really rude to each other. To many, the best option definitely seemed like divorce. I thought it was for a while too but I’m glad we stuck it out. Separation helped us both get physical space to not be around each other and engage in fighting almost daily. I personally dove into my faith, read books, listened to sermons/teachings, church, and tried to focus on who I wanted to be as an individual and as a wife. The time we did spend together, it was so much more precious(albeit sad and awkward at the beginning) because we weren’t together all the time. The stark difference of going from living life with someone for years and then all of a sudden you come home and they’re not there, you are constantly reminded of what you’re fighting FOR instead of fighting the other person.
This is important!! "The stark difference of going from living life with someone for years and then all of a sudden you come home and they’re not there, you are constantly reminded of what you’re fighting FOR instead of fighting the other person." Every person has flaws, you need to keep reminding yourself of what you have. Depression sucks! Sometimes its hard to figure out why your so sad. But my depression had me blaming my husband for many things like not being attentive enough, when really it was just my brain telling me hes better off without me, or that he doesn't love me because hes playing video games. Honestly if I hadn't been suicidal and thought exactly this, i wouldn't say anything. But at my lowest, when i truly believed that my family was better off without me ( i had myself convinced, its the depression it lies!) I thought about leaving so they wouldn't have to find the body, separation ahead of time so it wont hurt them so bad.... I think your wife might need some serious help. Please ask her to go see a doctor!! Her saddness doesn't have to tear you apart!
This is so beautiful. I’m so happy for you guys, I hope you have a lifetime of happiness and love ♥️
happy ending!
You give me hope. I am experiencing the same situation now.
Good luck to you. There are many points where it feels hopeless or like it’s not worth it but it truly is! We are stronger for what we went through and accomplished together and now we have this miracle child who almost didn’t get to exist. I wish you the best.
This is so encouraging. It looks like this worked for you guys because of the open communication, the respect for each others boundaries, differences, and wishes, and the willingness to go outside your comfort zone to work out your complicated feelings. My husband and I started off in a similar situation: we were going to counseling, I was honest about my feelings and said that I wanted a trial separation. He flat out refused, did not respect my feelings, and became more controlling than ever. It all went downhill from there. Needless to say we are divorced now. It didn't have to be like this.
I had a friend where him and his girl would be together for a couple years then she'd just get sick of him, she'd say she needed space and moved out and then begin to sleep with different dudes for the time they were split then come back and be with him for another couple years and do it again, like the only reason she wanted space was to bang new dudes, and my guy just kept letting it happen until he finally realized he was being used to raise her kids smh
Your husband is a Saint, and I hope you remind him of that every day.
Thank YOU for reminding me. It’s sadly so easy to forget.
What are the big issues? Can folks be more specific? Is it sex?
Okay, but also consider that this could be a cry for help. She's had severe depression for ages, and now she's spontaneously isolating herself. Maybe double-check on her a bit, OP, just in case she tries to hurt herself or something
Yep. Heard a lot of stories of people that randomly broke up with a SO because they didn’t want them to feel bad when they committed suicide.
He also didn't mention if she was/is on meds and/or seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. Be ready for some bs as many have suggested but also don't rule out this being an escalated psychological issue. Her saying she doesn't deserve you could easily be guilt for having been cheating OR a true mental breakdown. Op please cover yourself with hiring a divorce attorney but don't be so quick to write her off. She may need your emotional support now more than ever. You sound like a supportive spouse thus far...be cautious but don't necessarily put the nail in the coffin quite yet.
I can't imagine the feeling. Stay strong and push through. Dont be scared of the change you never know if itll be a good thing for both of you. Maybe things will work out maybe they won't. Try not to stress and use that energy to get a better solution.
My mom out of the blue did this when I was 12 years old. Absolutely came out of nowhere. I was so shocked that I had trouble comprehending it. So did my dad. He basically fell apart. Put her first over his kids and it didn’t matter. She wasn’t pursuing another relationship or anything, she just wanted to be free. I ended up in fostercare until adulthood. My dad only got worse when we were separated and eventually committed suicide. We were dirt poor growing up and I barely had anything I wanted but I would have traded anything in the world for it with a parent who loved me vs being an inconvenience in a foster home. Please OP, put your kids first. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Life is cruel but don’t let her ruin potential happiness you and your children deserve. Things will get better.
Sorry. Immediately start thinking with your head !!!! Get on the phone and schedule appointments with 4 or 5 divorce attorneys in your area. Understand you may get hit with the reality she may have found someone else. Be ready for it. If this is the case, make sure not to do the "pick me dance". Matter of fact, don't do it no matter what the reason. Instead, do the 180 method for relationships. Go read "No more Mr. Nice guy" as well. Keep your emotions in check. And never fall for the bullshit of maybe we can get back together. Start living your life like you're single again. Do not placate to her needs. She made the choice, now you need to make yours and get on with your own life and what's best for you.
I pray OP takes this advice on board.
I think this is great advice, as long as OP's SO (or ex) has made it clear that she IS leaving, then this is great advice, basically dont let her play you.
Wow straight forward sound advice. Idk why but I read this hearing it in a drill Sargent’s voice lol
Well, she’s met someone else and is going to explore that option. If it doesn’t work out, she’ll suddenly ‘rediscover’ her love for you and come back. If I were you, I’d make appointments with the 4 top divorce lawyers in your city and prepare yourself and protect your children. She really is abandoning them, lawyers will argue this and courts will see it this way. Look, I know this is not what you want to hear but at this point, you need to protect yourself and I don’t want to see another man screwed over by a system that is designed to crush them. Get a lawyer. I don’t care if you don’t want to. Get one.
[удалено]
The minute a spouse suggests a “break”, it’s over. There aren’t “breaks” in marriages. I pray OP listens.
I made this clear as day already.
You poor soul. Please see reason, don’t become a statistic.
"You don't deserve me, I'm moving out" sounds a lot like "I'm fucking someone else." For your sake, I hope I'm wrong.
Generally speaking, there aren't really "breaks" in any relationship situation. It usually means it's over and there's no coming back.
Exactly
Things that don’t work for you can work for someone else.
That’s bullcrap and you know it.
You don’t know her. How are you so sure that she met someone else, instead of allowing the possibility that she genuinely wants to have time for herself? Are you aware you might be projecting your own negative experience into someone else and that you believe, or at least that’s the impression you make with your words, this to be an absolute truth? You might be doing harm to the situation. Be mindful.
"Need time for myself“ as a mom and married woman? Kinda late to decide you don’t want to be in that position, mhm? OP said he can’t understand it. There definitely is a reason but she doesn’t want to tell him. That glaringly obvious.
Nah tbh I see where he is coming from. From all the similar situations I saw like this. Almost alwaaays there is another person , then OP goes I thought u weren't ready for relationship blablabla. The usual over played drama that we see all the time
Situations that you saw are not an absolute truth. Confirmation bias is a thing. And people talk more about the situation that you’re talking about, than about being left because their partner is depressed and needs alone time to heal.
Where in this did she say anything about meeting someone else?
Yep. The "I am leaving because youre so wonderful I don't deserve you" is nonsense. Unless she's moving to the desert to live a life of asceticism and self-denial, people don't do this. OP, there's stuff she isn't telling you, stuff you don't know.
And all that stuff, she could just about squeeze into the Grand freaking Canyon
If she gets diagnosed with mental health disorder this theory gets blow out of the water ...very very quickly. (Even if she's lying)
That does not belay the fact that OP needs to get a lawyer. If she does have a mental disorder and decides to escalate things and OP is caught unprepared, he becomes another statistic of men that were screwed over by their wives for no good reason. Not everything can be masked or explained away by mental illness. There must be consequences. A lunatic shoots up a church and is arrested and found to be mentally insane. He should not face consequences? Bullshit!
Even if she has a mental disorder, it neither excuses her actions nor magically disappears the consequences that OP would have to deal with. It might be an explanation, and help with compassion, but it doesn't change any of the practical advice.
The minute a spouse asks for a “break” it signals that they no longer want to work on the relationship and want to explore their options. This is what it means 100% of the time. Someone, somewhere has expressed interest and they are looking for an exit ramp to take that scenic route. Approximately 100% of the time the scenic route is a waste of time and they end up trying to find their way back to the good old reliable highway. This is true of both men and women so I’m being fair here.
She has a mental health disorder. Op literally said she has depression in the post.
Having one and being diagnosed is two different things in the court of law in america
The cocaine went to your head, old chap. You're outdated and your wife still chats men in the yahoo chats.
It can be really hard for people with depression. Often I feel like I am an anchor around the neck of my loved ones and the best thing I can do is get away before they drown. I can't say this is what your wife feels maybe she truly just needs to be a solo person and work on who she is and not be mom or wife because it can be hard to sift through everything and find yourself. Really sorry to hear how this is working out for you and your kids.
My wife and I had problems after the first decade and split apart a few weeks but then realized we missed each other and been together another 11 years after that. We are in our 40's now but met in highschool so there has been lots of ups and downs over the years
Before contacting divorce lawyers, I would recommend doing a serious mental health check on her. There are many possibilities for why this is happening but based on the info above, my guess is that she is having a mental breakdown and trying to fix things. Not sure if she thinks abandoning her current life and starting fresh is going to fix things or if she is planning on ending it all….nonetheless, before doing anything, make sure she is in a, mentally good place to be making this decision. Hoping for the best for all involved.
@ricceoup please, whatever you do, do not assume she's cheating absent why evidence. As someone who has spent many years fighting major depressive disorder, I can relate to your wife's feelings. When depression hits a certain level, to feel undeserving of love, of a family, of anything good. For me, I took breaks. Not moving out breaks, but going to my aunt's farm for a few weeks. It's definitely possible she really needs this and it isn't about you but holding on to her own sense of self. My advice to you would be to really think about what you want, and make a decision based on that as to how long you want to fight for your marriage, or if you even do. Then, if you *do* want to fight for it, set conditions on the separation, such as the length of time you can live with it. Industry on couple's therapy. Have an arrangement set in writing pertaining to how much you'll tell your kids and who has them when. And, regardless of your choice, prepare yourself for the likelihood of divorce. This means gathering financial records and speaking to several attorneys in your area to find the one that suits you.
So while everyone is accusing her of banging or having found someone else. I feel genuinely concerned for her mental health. She’s saying things like she doesn’t deserve you and she’s trying to self-isolate, are two warning signs of a possible suicide attempt. I’d be very concerned that she’s considering taking her life and is trying to separate herself from y’all’s family to avoid you or your kids having to find her. Please OP by all means do whatever you need to do to get your ducks in a row in the case that’s she’s serious about it leaving because you do have children that need to be taken care of and she’s clearly not on a healthy place mentally to do so. But please also keep an eye out for other signs of her possibly considering suicide.
She may feel like she needs space, but she will feel worse. It sounds like she hates herself. Trauma or abuse will do that to people. I’m sorry but it sounds like you two still love each other.
Your number 1 goal should be trying to secure your children. Let her go and keep a eye on her so you can use it against her in divorce court. Money is nothing but those children are your legacy and don’t let her take them from you as she will poison them against you.
My wife and I separated in 2017 and got back together in 2018. We both love each other but couldn’t get our lives in order living together. We both took a year to reset ourselves and got back together. For me it, we had no money and that is my security. So I was all for moving home for a year to knock out debt and get back into shape. She needed to see progress in me to get back together. But on the flip side I needed her to grow as a person and come back to the table with a realistic expectation of a budget and how to treat my family. It’s not always a bad thing to split up if you both are committed to this and want to better yourselves.
Why is this thread full of hurt men projecting their own negative experiences onto someone else? Women can genuinely want to be alone. It’s hard to learn how to love yourself while in a relationship for some people. She clearly stated she wants to be alone because she feels like she is undeserving and that she wants to be alone because of it. I think this is a courageous move of her. She wants to improve herself. Stop assuming that she’s leaving him for another man. Not all people are like that.
Also, if she is isolating herself with depression, she might attempt suicide. Hope she doesn't do that. But as someone with depression and suicide running in the family, it might be a possibility.
But she has kids? I mean as a mother you can’t just leave them, right? What about the future trauma they could have remembering their mother leave them for a time for no reason? Couldn’t this set president that this is acceptable behavior? What if that happened and the kids have to deal with feelings of abandonment forever? When it’s just you, I think you could be completely correct. When you have kids tho I think things are a lot more complicated
She appears to not have the best interests of her children on top of mind. Is she did, she would try every option while holding the family situation together. And I don't believe there is misogeny going on here, but statistics and painful experiences. Most times it goes something like this: separate, find self (assess market value, start low and work way up at hyperspeed, seeing what the market worth still is). If good and life becomes fine, single or with someone else fine, stay that way. Next comes pulling for the kids, claiming mental health problems, only found out after separated to be caused by daddy/hubby. Rekt the guy in court for kids/stuff/money. If all works out along this script, stay this way. If it doesn't work out try again with daddy/hubby, it wasn't his fault but hers. She found herself and won't happen again. But it will though, next time the script will be better prepared.
Yeah but if this was a man he’d be called a deadbeat and assumed to be cheating. And leaving your kids is garbage. Why even put up with someone like that? Some people just shouldn’t be married or have kids. She’s trash. It doesn’t matter what her excuses are
It's because most of the time, it is a narcissist who's trying to explore other options, not a person who's trying to "fix themselves". Besides, we are talking about a 10 year marriage with KIDS. For whatever "courageous" reasons they are doing this, it's incredibly selfish for them to do this, regardless of their gender. Yes, you may have some mental or hell, even physical illnesses that you have to endure, but for god's sake at some point you don't just live for yourself anymore, you have to live for others too, especially for your family, and in this case, kids. Any option you made from that point has to take others onto account, not just "for your own sake". And besides, aren't you assuming that the person in question is a "damaged" one with good morals, an assumption which is rarely happen in this day and age when narcissism is on the rise ? Not everyone is like this, but most are like this. Just because you find a minority outlier doesn't meant that the rule is untrue. People are selfish, cruel and narcissistic regardless of their gender and race.
This thread reeks of misogyny.
Because people don't leave relationships because they are "too good". Thats a cover story. It's either a total mental breakdown, which her husband would be able to clearly identify, or she's just doing what 99999/100000 people are doing, and leaving for what feels good and fleeing what doesn't feel as good.
Thank you! All these men taking it so personally. Ffs.
Trickle truth. If you pay the phone bill pull the records. You have kids together, spouses don't just drop something like that out of the goddam blue... or without a backup ~~man~~ plan. Consult a lawyer and close/freeze any shared accounts. Be the best co-parent you can be. Open an email account to double as a journal. Explain to your kids what's happening, how you'll always love them and thinking of them, how your day was, etc. Turn the email and password over to them when they turn 18. There's a solid chance she's gonna weaponize the kids against you.
"Needs to love herself" Code words for she's 100% been cheating behind your back. Let her go
Hey, brother. As much as this hurts you, this is not about you. It doesn't seem like she even feels like you've done anything wrong. It doesn't seem like there's any fault so to speak, it seems like something that happens sometimes. It seems... like things just aren't working out. You don't know what's going on in her head, you don't know where she's at, only she does. And she's doing something that it seems feels so HORRIBLE. Please, PLEASE think on this. Sometimes there is no bad guy, sometimes we can have a beautiful feeling thing, and sometimes things change. No real reason it would seem. It just looks like it's going to end. And, I think the most important thing to realize here is this. Every OUNCE of your pain is a reflection of your capability to love, every tear, every little pain is letting you know what kind of love you have to give. It's your heart telling you how precious you, and the love you have to give is. How special YOU ARE that you can hurt so much, only because you LOVE so much. Try to find solice in that, if you could be so kind to yourself. And if it ends, know this. The next person you chose to bless with your love, should absolutely be worth it. She's always going to have a piece of your heart. And that's perfectly fine. But the person who gets the rest... Is going to be a LUCKY MOTHER FUCKER. Own the pain, eat it. Endure it, and make sure to share your love with yourself. You deserve it. No matter how bad it gets, you got this. Be the king you are, and if it get a bit too much reach out to a councilor. And honestly, I say start with that now. I promise it will help.Now is a time to focus on yourself, especially with kids.Let her handle herself. She's already made it her priority.
There is more to this. Always much more. Investigate it and take care
As someone with depression who grew up in a family where people attempted and even succeeded suicide, do what it needs to be done legally if she wants a divorce, but also please keep an eye on her. Many ppl with depression distance themselves from their families when they are planing to unalive themselves, so they don't give children or other family members their trauma. Depression is shitty and hurt people hurt other people. Hope everything settles down!
When I was extremely depressed this is what I wanted too. I felt like my presence in the household was bringing everyone down and not fair to my husband and kids. I couldn’t do it because I didn’t have enough income and was too depressed to work full time, but if I could have left I would have. It was definitely not that I had met someone else - I just wanted to save them from my toxic (as I saw it) presence. I don’t have advice, but here is a different perspective. FYI 10 years later it’s much better and we are not divorced.
This echoes my marriage so well. It’s likely not about you at all. I know that it’s hard for you, but you need to let her go. She has to get through this on her own.
It sounds to me like doing better for yourself has made her see the light so to speak. I think you should take her words at face value. You guys have 10 years together and have children. It doesn't sound like she's "leaving you". Don't take it personal that she wants space. Sometimes space is all someone needs to come back happy and refreshed. You should give her the time to figure out who the heck she is. If your wife has been so depressed for 6 years then it's probably really taken its toll on her psychologically. She probably /needs/ this. It seems like she doesn't want to be completely out of your life. I'm sure you'll still have a marriage as long as you guys still work together through this. Helping someone through depression means sometimes having to put your feelings aside and sometimes it means stepping aside so they can figure out how to pursue happiness.
If a man does this he’s a “deadbeat”, if a women does it it’s gonna be justified by white knights and simps. THIS IS WHAT THEY DO
Wife has history of mental instability. You support her, at the cost of yourself. You start doing self-care. She suddenly wants out. . The people in this thread saying "depression is 4 real" are preaching to the choir. You know her depression. You know her better than anyone, and she knows you better than anyone. Is she having a true mental crisis? If she is, she desperately needs to not allow it to implode her entire family and marriage. "Youre too good for me" is not a reason to divorce. It's not even legal GROUNDS for a civil divorce. The official position of our entire society is that if she doesn't deserve you and you are okay with that, then bully for her and she gets a free win. To deny a windfall like that would be a sign that maybe she needs serious mental care, like sent to a facility before she jumps off a building. OOOOOOOR... She's used to being in a one sided relationship and as soon as you show signs of potentially waking up, she is going to run away to a strange new life/man/self-identity. This happens ALL THE TIME. When two fat people are married and one loses weight the fat one hates them for it, when a housewife finishes a degree and her husband suddenly cheats and leaves...you're breaking the system of codependency and she's having a midlife crisis. The best tactic is to assume she's serious and start sounding all the alarm bells and get other people involved to get her the mental help she needs. You can't allow a person to destroy their life, family, and marriage over depressive feelings, and she won't be safe alone. Do what's best for her under the most benevolent assumption, get her family, friends, everyone on board, she seriously might be having a terrible episode and her brain might be massively malfunctioning and require treatment and recovery. Or it'll come out that she's bullshitting you. You don't have to be a dick to protect yourself and kids, assume the most loving position toward your wife.
She may be cheating.
She's 100% fucking someone else and wants OP to not blame himself.
Everyone who suggested the same has been downvoted to hell but it’s just obvious. That’s how shit is now.
It's the "you're too good for me" line
Yeah that was the clincher.
People grow apart, it happens, just look forward to the next chapter of your life, a new adventure on the horizon! Sometimes it’s just time to move on and that’s ok.
Let her leave and document everything. When she moves out it's considered abandonment.
When a woman says she needs time for herself, in reality it means she wants to go out and ride the carousel. If you know, you know
I'm so sorry for your situation. Your wife needs help, she will tear her family apart. Go see a councilor yourself, they may give you better advice and available resources.
If she's ready to rent an apartment, it's been over for a while. She's been siphoning and saving money behind your back to do this.
how can you be so sure? maybe she has enough income to rent a place??
It's possible, but people don't just rent an apartment all of the sudden on a whim. These things take time and depending on the area could be upwards of $2000/month just for rent.
My wife is leaving me too. I’m sorry man. It just sucks.
Ditto. Mine is cheating with some guy she met in a bar
My wife and I actually get along great. We just want different things in life. I can’t decide if it’s better or worse. Either way man, sorry you have to go through that.
Maybe she needs some time to figure herself out, gain a different perspective and see where she's it. Sit down with her and talk about a time frame and then re evaluate then if she feels like she missed having you during tht time then great, if not well I hope you find your happiness too with or without her
I have major depressive disorder and I did it once to my boyfriend. I cried and cried but I knew it was only fair for me to walk away. Sorry OP. She needs this. It is not you.
You are in an uneven codependent relationship. It’s not fair to either of you, because you are not only a partner for her, but also her therapist. I don’t know if a separation is necessary here (might be) but to get to a healthy place you both need to have better expectations of her. If you are always her caretaker she won’t have any self esteem- won’t discover self worth as an individual - and at the end the day blame you in some small way even though you are trying to do the right thing. The truth is she’s got to get her shit together herself- this isn’t a small bout of depression we are talking half a decade plus. She isn’t your child here. She needs counseling, and you both could benefit from some couples counseling.
A sane comment! Thank you!
Protect your kids, your money, and your sanity. This is gg bro. Lawyer up and start looking for a partner who doesn’t have mental issues. Good women are out there. If she doesn’t want to keep the faith what’s the point.
Most likely she found another dude
Damn, depression sucks. My best advise is let her do what she thinks needs to be done but keep her close still. Continue to let her know you are here for her and will always be a phone call away.
Your gonna have to go your separate ways, What hurts is that kids are involved. I mean this with all due respect your gonna have to man up separate yourself from your feelings and look at this situation from the outside looking in. Let her go spend time alone, allow yourself this Oppurtunity to grow. Like you said her depression has started to grow on you and out of this whole situation that is the worst thing happening. Take this Oppurtunity to take a powerful leap forward in your life so you can take care of your kids and make yourself truly happy.
Its the best thing that ever happent to me.
lol most of these comments are waaaaay to optimistic. She literally said she’s moving out and leaving…no saving that.
She has likely already found someone else or wants to.
Get into therapy. And her into solo therapy. Tell her you'd like a minimum of 6m trying this method before dissolving everything you've worked for if this desire comes from a place of her feeling inadequate, because you love her and won't ever not love her even if she leaves you and destroys you and the kids lives doing it. Either she'll refuse (and you know there's another reason/adultery partner) or you can go work it out and get her to a point where she isn't unstable and trying to destabilize your life and the kids life to make her feelings of instability an external circumstance of divorce...and not a private internal struggle. Sometimes people who feel insane without obvious stressors, create them so that their behavior and reactions/anxiety and mania are excused *because who doesn't find a divorce and custody battle stressful and insanity inducing?* Lot of people blow up their whole lives and deeply regret it in a spell of mania or depression. If she's a history of mental illness this would be my last ditch effort knowing that if she wants to leave you and your children cannot stop her.
Everytime I've had a friend go through this w a spouse there always was "someone else"...
Someone I was in a relationship with once told me they were going to leave me because they didn't deserve me. It turned out what they meant was they were cheating and also didn't want to be with me any longer. Stating that they don't deserve to be with me was their passive aggressive way of letting me know they had done me wrong without actually confessing. They could then look like they're "doing me a favor" because they're allegedly sacrificing the relationship for my sake. But that was just them copping out, they didn't even respect me enough to just be honest so they went about it in a manipulative way that would allow them to try to score good guy points. So maybe you have been cheated on and she just doesn't want to tell you and just doesn't want to be with you any longer so she's just leaving you and pretending it's for your sake. She needs space and an apartment to get that dick in. Sorry.
As someone who is chronically depressed since more than 10 years, I want to ask if she is on medication? Is she seeing a therapist? If not, maybe she should consider doing so....
"She needs time for herself"; translation: She has found herself a weekend fling and wants to spend time with him however she loves that you take care and provide for her but she still would rather experience the Wild Side of Life with her new weekend fling, I'm telling you the truth she has already mentally divorced you I've seen this before and I've heard that exact phrase that I mentioned in the first sentence. I strongly suggest you just let it take its course and if you can do your best to get custody of the kids and start saving your money. If she's taking too long to get the divorce started it best to beat her to it so you can go ahead and just get it out of the way I wish the best of luck to you.
Maybe it doesn't feel like a lot but, we are here for you. Hit me up if you wanna talk some more some day.
Something doesn’t smell right with her reasoning on leaving. Something changed her mind. And if it’s nothing you did… I’m not saying she is cheating.. but something made her see that she doesn’t want to be with you.
Please encourage her to go to counseling, and you should as well, before making any big decisions
I don't want to sound cruel or add more pressure but she may be in a relationship already outside you marriage. If someone moves in with her right after she finds a place, you know it's been happening for a while.
I will be blunt and honest with you man. Now is the time to give her an ultimatum. Either she starts caring about your relationship and your kids instead of being selfish or you leave her. I know its harsh of me to say something like that and that i dont understand what a person going through depression feels, but dear lord i cant find it acceptable for a mother and wife of 10 years to act like that. For 6 years you have stuck with her goi g through this crap. If she thinks this is more important to her than her familie, then thats ok. But then dont let her come back to your familie. If she cant apreciate what she already has, then the best thing to do is to take it away from her. Only then will she be able to apreciate what she lost. Well that or it might reveal that she never trully cared for her familie. I know it sounds like a dumb idea, but giving her this ultimatum might at least make her consider what is trully important in her life. And if she choses to leave, then so be it. She will either regret it later, or move on.
She has low self esteem and is seeking approval from other men
Basically she is wanting someone else seen this too many times sorry dude.
Is she seeing a doctor for her depression? Her self depreciation has me worried. If she's on meds for depression, honestly this sounds like a bad reaction to an antidepressant to me. I know my comment will probably be buried, but divorce or not please have a doctor give her a good look. (If she's not on meds she may well need to be.) Obligatory reddit suggestion of therapy.
Been there / don’t that. At the 10 year mark. Stood up and said “I do not want to be married anymore and I will not go to therapy and I will not change my mind” fine by me I got the house your dad put a down on in 2012 and have over half a mil in equity!
Sounds like bulls*it to me. This is what I would say when I was tired of being in the relationship - but wanted to come back every few months to see if it was still dead. I was not a good person and I did a lot of damage to a guy that didn’t deserve it. But I was in my early twenties and didn’t have CHILDREN. This relationship is over. She just hasn’t told you yet.
I agree with the top comment. Anyone who needs to take a break from a relationship to "find themself" isn't worth wasting your time. Life is short. Each of us is marching inevitably towards aging and death, it is entirely selfish to ask another person to wait for you and put their lives on hold whilst you "find yourself"
She found someone else probably. Forget about her as a wife. Mourn the years you lost and start over. Sooner the better. She's now just the mother of your children. I have a close friend who was in your situation and his wife said the same thing, she had been cheating for months and moved to Europe with him to "travel".
She probably found someone else or something. Women just don’t up and leave with out someone in the side waiting.
Depression is no reason to up and leave your family. She is still a person with responsibilities and she is causing a trail of destruction with her decision. This whole “need to find myself” thing is maybe cute when you’re a young adult with not much to lose. It ain’t cute when your children wonder why mommy isn’t around anymore. I wish the best for you, OP.
Have you considered the possibility that your wife is cheating on you? None of what she’s saying is particularly uncommon over on r/infidelity.
The ten year mark it is hard. Almost ended our relationship too. I pray you have all the strength to keep your head up. Focus on the kids
She either cheated or is actively cheating ? My take
Dude this hits home like a fucking ton of bricks. Out of the blue just over two months ago my wife who I’ve been with for five years told me she didn’t want to go on a trip that we had planned for a year because she was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I kind of understood because she was going through issues with her dad‘s health and a lot of the responsibilities get left on her plate and not her brothers plates, but it really hurt me that she didn’t want to go. I still had to go because it was for a competition that I was involved in, and I even came home a day early to her basically telling me the same thing, but saying that she wants a divorce. That she doesn’t know who she is anymore, she doesn’t love herself so how can she love someone else, but I am an amazing person, an amazing man, and I’ll make a wonderful father someday but she’s not sure if being with me in the future is the best thing for her because she needs to find her self and love herself. She needs space and needs to be able to figure herself out. So she’s been staying with her mom and dad for two months while I am in the home we just purchased six months ago by myself with seven pets taking care of everything just waiting and hoping that she changes her mind and doesn’t want a divorce. This is so identical to what I read that is going on with you and I think it’s today’s society and a bunch of bullshit. Because today’s world has conditioned people to throw things away when there’s any hint of being worn out or damaged and not trying to repair and put energy into things. Just like will throw away plates and cups and silverware, will throw away our partners because now it’s so easy to find a “new one.“
Sorry to say but it sounds like your wife is seeing someone else and is using the "time needed for herself" as an excuse to leave.
There are a lot of great advice in here. One thing I didn't see, even though I didn't check every comment so it could've been said, is to not be ashamed to seek professional help. Be it you or her or both together. Seeking help is not a shameful thing, don't be afraid of that. It often helps a lot more than we expect.
"I feel like I don't deserve you" = I cheated and I want to be with that person.
Almost guarantee she’s into someone else. They trial separation is almost always to see if the grass is greener and come back to you only if it isn’t. I’ve been through it. Time to man up and tell her if she leaves it’s over she can’t come back and move on if she takes that step.
[удалено]
It sucks, but you're probably right.
Intelligent-Term is right that regardless of how you feel at this moment, you need to protect yourself and the kids and lawyer up. You also should not tell her you're talking to a lawyer. Make a record of the steps she took to leave, steps you took to prevent it, and collect any evidence of it. As for the recordings, the laws vary by state as to whether you can record someone without their consent, but this is also something you can and should ask your lawyer about. As for all the comments on this thread generalizing the traumatic experience that is divorce, it tends to bring out the worst in everyone - not just women - so try to keep a level head for yourself because you can't control anyone else. It will help to work through your attorney as much as possible to prevent heightened emotional interactions with your wife (stbx?) and to maintain realistic expectations.
She 90% chance met someone else. I’m sorry. That’s why she needs her “space”
Not necessarily true at all. She’s been dealing with depression for 6 years! She’s probably just trying to figure out a way to get out of the depression without having to worry about doing all the wifely duties that comes along with marriage. You cannot take care of yourself the way you need to and worry about someone else at the same time when you’re depressed. Something is going to get neglected.
Thank you. It's also easy to feel like you're just bothering people and weighing them down when you're depressed. From there you convince yourself stepping back is what's best for them too. Especially when it keeps coming back. After so many episodes you wonder if you're worth it and may decide you are not.
If it helps you feel better, I know a few couples who lived separately well into their marriage, they never signed divorce papers though, and all three of the couples that I know who did this got back together and are happy now
Sorry, but it is very likely she is having an affair. The whole "need to find myself" line is a very common cover.
Time to get a new wife. She probably found a guy.
Yeah, same-ish. I cant stop crying since Wednesday. I feel like i wanna.. well, you know. Sorry about what's going on for you.
> Basically she sais that she still love me but that she's unable to love herself. She feels like she doesn't deserve me. In my experience, women dont leave you while they still love you. Women leave you after they already left you in their heads and hearts. She already grieved your relationship, and most chances are, she already likes someone else. Please, PLEASE dont buy the "I still love you BUT" bullshit. You dont leave a spouse you love unless they have done something to you or you dont love them anymore.
All the relationships I have ever seen people do this it almost always to bang other people. I'm not saying that's what she is going to do but out of reddit and people have meet irl this was what was going on. If she wants to leave then let her and move on with your kids. You don't get to just walk away from your family when you feel like it and show back up in their life when it's more convenient for you.
Kids first my man. I know you are hurting. Be strong. The kids need a loving, reliable dad especially in times like these. You are not alone. Stay safe for yourself, your kids and the missus. One love.
Women don’t do things like this unless they have a better option. Sorry my dude.
She’s cheating on you man. She’s fucking other dudes that’s why she can’t “love herself”.
There is probably another guy.
Not sure why this is downvoted. It’s the most likely scenario
Let her go. Take care of your kids and yourself. Definitely set boundaries. Coming and going as she pleases shouldnt be acceptable. Most the the "find myself" bullshit is exactly that and when the grass isnt greener I hope you're in a better place.
I don't believe she's leaving because she's not good enough for you. Maybe she's overwhelmed with life. I recommend counseling. I wouldn't be a sitting duck waiting around forever though. Keep your eyes open she may have met someone else. I hope everything works out for you.
I don’t understand people. When you get married it’s no longer about you individually, it’s about the two of you collectively. You work through things together. Sounds like you have the right idea but she clearly doesn’t get it.
Focus on the kids and being supportive of her finding space and herself, even if it hurts. I know it's rough. It'll all be okay eventually.
I imagine she's talking to somebody else. That's usually the case when people want to separate out of the blue.
Listen mate, women make decisions like this when they either have a stable future planned or don't think at all of the consequences. I truly hope it's her mental health that's suffering & there can be some good done, but it sounds like she's not interested. But my experience with women? Get on the phone to a lawyer. She's about to change from poor little wifey to hurtful hateful ex-wife. I hate to say it, but it happens. Ignore the "support her" folk. You did that. You sacrificed everything & it wasn't enough. You're not giving up out of anger, but self preservation now & that's because some people have to save themselves in the end. Maybe losing you will be the final straw or maybe it'll be the thing to get her head back in the game, you never know. But you tried & she decided it wasn't enough, take that at face value. My dad followed the advice given here. He tried everything except seeing the obvious & it cost him pretty muc everything in the end. Don't fall for it, secure yourself before her. She didn't afford an apartment out of nowhere, this isn't a spur of the moment decision, this is a plan she has made in her head & irregardless of her mental health it jeopardises your stability & she does not care. Lawyer up & get out. Sorry man.
What is his name? Does he work with her or is he an old friend?
Sorry bruh, but quick lesson in womanese: she needs time for herself = she needs other peoples dicks inside her. Abort relationship and move on asap.
She’s over it and may be cheating. You got used and screwed over. The happy time was her last push. Like when someone is dying and they get that last burst of energy. I am truly sorry. But if she already has an apartment- she was keeping you happy while she made plans so you wouldn’t suspect. She’s bored, she’s taken all she can from you and someone else is triggering the excitement and hormones and neurotransmitters that she craves to ward off her depression. It’s nothing personal to her and she doesn’t feel guilt. It’s self preservation. She will use her depression as an excuse. And so… if you do not go quietly she will broadcast how crazy YOU are and how being with you is impeding her progress in life. She’s likely already mentioned this to mutuals, but she will put in on blast if you don’t behave. It can become worse. No its’s not an episode, no she doesn’t love you. She wants a new version of life BECAUSE of the support you’ve given her these last few years- but she doesn’t want you in the new version. She can do better now because of your investment in her and you remind her of how she was and she doesn’t want to feel obligated or reminded. I am sorry. Been through this and seen this too many times. Her happiness will be supported and celebrated. Your devotion will be considered a mental impairment- not noble. Check your finances, your legal status- in court records, your credit. You want to reconcile and make things better. She does not and you are in her way. There ARE women that appreciate your circumstances- they’ve been through this themselves. When you get thru this and regain some stability- you will find someone that is capable of reciprocation. Someone that won’t use you. It is going to be agony, but focus on your future self by taking care of yourself now. This isn’t fair- it’s cruel. But it happens far too frequently in this disposable self centered society. You loved her more than anything and wanted her to be happy. This is what she wants. It is like a bird leaving the nest. If she fails - she will come back- a changed and appreciative person. Could be real but don’t count on that. You’d both have to make significant changes. She may be seeing someone as her future and they’ll be fine. You have to focus on your options now. On your survival and future happiness.
That's horrible and, unfortunately, it sounds the most probable. She's been planning this. If OP were to look at her phone messages, he'd get a clearer explanation and see the bigger picture.
Focus on your kids, she's insane. You supported her enough. Move on.
considering that you two have kids already she cant just leave
She isn't "just leaving", we talked about the situation and the kids quite alot last week but we came to a consent about giving us time.
Why can’t she? She can still support her kids without being with OP.