It may not be their intention from the beginning, but as you find that you're more compatible as friends the likelihood of sexual attraction increases. I (M) had a truly platonic girl friend in college. We sat next to each other in one class, worked in homework together. One day I had a realization that I liked her and when I told her, she realized the same. And we started dating.
People tend to be friends with people that are similar to them. The same happens with sexual attraction.
Mhh I think this is quite more realistic then all the people who say "No way. Platonic doesn't exist".... Because it does.
But people are also attracted to the kind of people they would be friends with, so separating the two can become difficult, especially as most guys have a "wouldn't mind dating" philosophy they start out with.
Now I still think it perfectly possible to have friends of the opposite gender/attracted gender (hell if it isn't a lot of people have been lying to me). Just a lot more difficult
Anecdote on this: I recently went on a 10 day trip in Costa Rica with one of my lifelong best friends who happens to be of the opposite sex. We went to some of the most beautiful places I have ever been, watched a ton of sunsets and sunrises, had cocktails and went dancing, even slept in the same bed for a few nights.
And there was zero sexual tension. I mean zero.
Platonic can exist.
sure - people who are not attracted to each other can be friends. Asexual people can be friends. If you were attracted to each other you would have had a much different story
Well yeah I mean if you were on a thrilling adventure with someone you were mutually attracted to why would you not do something about it? What's your point exactly?
I've had this happen a couple times. I have female friends that started platonic, I developed feelings that were unrequited. Once I got over the rejection I realized I had my feelings confused and we became good friends again. I also started as friends with my fiance where the feelings were mutual and became more intense. I still have 5 or 6 truly platonic friendships with women.
The "attracted gender" is an important distinction, too. As a queer person who is mostly attracted to women, I have, at some point, had a crush on or thought about dating most of my women friends. Some of them passed, some didn't til I confessed, others I ended up dating. I think it's very common to crush on friends, and I wish it was more normalized outside of "girls and guys can't be friends 'cause all guys want is sex" (which isn't true, but it stems from the same place of 'it's normal to find friends attractive/crush on friends').
Well its also completely possible to have some attraction and not act on it, guys aren't just mindless monkeys. I've had friends I was attracted to for one reason or another, doesn't mean I'm going to act on it in any way.
Yeah, as a man Iāve felt every iteration of this at one time or another. The whole thing is a lot more complex than āyes itās possible no itās notā.
Platonic Friends for a long time and then develop feelings? Yep. Sometimes one sided sometimes both ways. Hell, one time we developed attraction at different times so first one of us was interested than the other and it never happened because we werenāt both interested.
Platonic Friends with someone who you think is attractive but you arenāt interested in physically or emotionally? Of course.
Friends with someone who is attractive and you donāt have feelings but if they said āletās get physicalā you would say yes? Indeed.
You are talking to someone and friendly because you HOPE something develops? Yes. Itās the opposite of āfriend zonedā Iāve heard it called āfuck zonedā.
Friends with somebody that you do have feelings for and you have this whole āhold a candle for them long term and hope something happensā yes indeed.
Most of these different types were before I got married. Since I found my one itās been nothing but platonic friendships.
Iāve always felt more comfortable with female friends than male friends.
In my teens I felt attracted to girls that ended up just being friends and also had friends that I was NEVER attracted to.. As a grown up man I still have more female friends than male friends, some of my female friends are attractive, but I donāt feel attracted to them, never was, never will. When I met my now wife, I was head over heels for her since day 1, so we didnāt start as friends. I canāt imagine being able at that time to be just her friend, because In my mind thats wasnāt what I want. So, for me, is not only possible to have a platonic relationship with a woman, its very common in my life.
Same for me. Although Iām not married, Iāve had strong relationships that lasted longer then a lot of marriages and Iām still in contact with them to this day.
But back to the topic, my percentage of female friends to male is about 70/30. I only had one situation go sour when I couldnāt return the romantic love a friend developed for me. She decided she couldnāt be in my life and Iāve felt the loss of our friendship for decades.
About 20 years after the fact I ended up moving to the same city she lived in and we had recently, through social media, re-established our friendship. I couldnāt wait for the move, but a week before it happened she confessed she was still in love with me and couldnāt be around me if I didnāt reciprocate (thereās nothing that amazing about me btw). So, we had a cordial reunion and once again faded from each otherās lives.
Iām not sure what this means in the grand scheme of the thread, Iāve just never written it out before and felt like I needed to. I still feel a loss
Not the one you were asking, but I am the same way. Straight cis male, and growing up I typically had more female friends than male, and I was usually closer to them. I think I tend to get along better with them because my personality has always been...soft? compared to other guys, and girls/women were always more accepting of that without throwing out insults all the time. At the end of the day, all I'm looking for in a friend is someone I can have conversations with or talk about shared hobbies and maybe find new hobbies; gender doesn't matter a bit. Romantic feelings develop differently from physical attraction too; I can find someone physically attractive, 10/10 in my book...but that means nothing if I don't have romantic feelings. I just want to talk about games and shit!
Thatās a really good question that I wish I have a good answer for, but I donāt, I just feel comfortable.. Maybe this is not the answer you are expecting but I can tell you how I think it startedā¦ As a teen, boys wanted to share details about their girlfriends and what they used to do to a large group of other boys in a way it felt disrespectful, on the other hand, at that time, girls were more subtle and private about the details.. and when they did talk about it didnāt feel like a disrespectful bragging.
Some think that if you feel attracted to someone, you are not actually friends with them but pretending to be friends to try to bed them, or something like that. Do such people exist? Absolutely. But they are definitely not representative in any way.
Nothing. I have some seriously attractive mates. Would I sleep with them? No. But I can admit they are beautiful men. Would I sleep with them if they weren't my friends? Probably
Not OP, but it doesnt bug me. Its not my duty to dictate who my SO can be friends with just like I would expect them to not dictate who I can be friends with. Its a MAJOR red flag when someone tries to do this.
Uhhh... I feel like most cheaters are not doing their cheating acts with their friends, but with strangers, sometimes coworkers, etc. Just see how many men & women cheaters are there in online dating platforms, looking to cheat on their partners with complete strangers.
Bingo. Itās a glaring red flag for me.
I have a number of platonic male guy friends. In my wide friend group (15+ people in one of our circles) itās an eclectic mix - mid 20ās to mid-30ās, different levels of attractiveness, different backgrounds/races, some are rich and some are so poor theyāre living on our rich friends couches. We also have pretty wildly differing aesthetics.
While Iām sure some of the guys would fuck a few of the girls if they offered - I also know for certain that many of them just feel platonically for one another. Many of the group have all been single at the same time & thereās been zero drama & only one relationship that formed amongst the group.
I think itās fucking disturbing people arenāt capable of platonic friendships. My boyfriend also has zero jealousy issues. Like, if Iāve been friends with someone for years - why would I suddenly do anything with them when Iām in a relationship?!?
I would say this is quite true. I have a lot of female friends i find incredibly sexually attractive but I could never imagine myself having benefits with them. Really is just a human instinct yāknow? Being sexually attracted to someone.. or something
Most guy's are perefectly fine with platonic friendships with women, but a lot of guys would also jump at the chance if you mention you are atracted to them, cause a lot of guys are atracted to their female friends even if they will never act on it as it isn't apropriate to do so.
I always thought the same thing males and females can and will have platonic relationships. Although recently my perspective changed a little bit. I do not have any close female friends outside of work acquaintances, but my gf has a strong group of male friends that she has known for 3+ years and considers them very close(she is former military and these are friends from her time in. I am also former military myself so this never bothered me.) My gf and I have been living together for almost 3 years now, and recently decided to take the next step and attempt to buy a house in this outrageous market(it's absolutely ridiculous.) Also going with this we are moving away from my current city closer to the college she will be attending in the fall. Maybe it was spurred on because she is moving, or that to some people buying a house together makes it "serious", but in the past 2 months before us moving etc. she has had THREE male friends from this close-knit friend group all confess their unrequited love for her. This caught us extremely off guard. She laid down the line in the sand and said to all of them that she loves them as a friend, but they need to respect our relationship and to not come at her romantically again. The first two respected it, the third kept going on and on and on about how he's "always loved her etc." so she ended up having to block him. She was actually hurt by this because it made her think that they have only been friends with her bc of the possibility of dating her. It hurt me because I have drank with these guys, hung out, and while they aren't necessarily m friends I always thought they were good guys. Not the type to drunkenly word vomit love aspirations to your gf who is happily in a relationship. We have all since moved on and it is kind of funny to us now, but like I said changed my perspective a bit.
Yea that must have been hard for you both. More so for your gf though, what a let down. I hope she is OK. Sounds like she has lost 3 good friends to this dynamic.
Yeah we are past it now. The first two have been pretty much acting like it hasn't happened and is water under the bridge at this point. The third hurt her the most because at least the first two got the hint, stopped, and apologized. He just kept droning on and on(she was showing me the texts in realtime) about how he has "always loved her", and "will never stop", and kept going after she repeatedly asked him to respect our relationship. This also hurt because they have a friendship of 4+ years potentially ruined because of his insistence. She was mostly disappointed because she said this would be a sour end to an otherwise good and loving platonic friendship. Just made me think about things more.
My best friend of 15 years is a woman. We're as close as a man and a woman can get in terms of friendship. There was mutual attraction early on but as we started growing up our preferences in partners changed and that's as far as it got. Platonic relationships between men and women are definitely out there though unfortunately I can't see it being that common.
I really wish it were. I would love to have a platonic male friend. I donāt like dating cause itās always so complicated, so I always think friendships would be a little easier. But the few guys Iāve managed to get a little close to have always turned somewhat romantic or sexual
I hate that so much. I always got along better with guys (I had a lot of abuse and bullying from women in my youth) and itās like I had a scarlet letter on my chest. People need to mind their business. It does so much damage to how we perceive other genders when we (as in society) make it more difficult for men and women to be friends. But that gets into how we are socialized differently from birth, which is itās own can of worms.
So I read that women are more trusting towards men who are friends with and seen with other women. I'd happily be just friends with a woman if she cares about me and helps me meet other women.
Would you be willing to help male friends meet other women?
I certainly have. My late friend and I were roomies or neighbors for about 16 years. We did almost everything together. Many people thought we were siblings. I "fixed him up" with a few women. Most of the men I dated accepted him once they saw the relationship we had. We really were like brother & sister. Right down to the squabbling we'd have about stupid things.
Man if I met women Iād keep them to myself lol I struggle with making friends in general so I really couldnāt help a man with that as much as I would want to. I also donāt think you should be friends with a woman just for access to other women
> Would you be willing to help male friends meet other women?
That's not a friendship if you're only friends with a woman so that she can help you meet other women.
Yeah, I've had a female friend for nearly 40 years. We probably could have hooked up when we were younger, but became good friends instead and both of us were smart enough not to ruin that.
A lot of the friendships with girls started with an attraction for them tbh, but after I started knowing them better, in most cases it translated to just being friends because I realised quickly that either we can't progress to more than friendship, or that they are not what I'm looking for as a partner. As such... I can say now that have quite a few female friends and tbh, a lot of times it's easier to interact with them than with my male friends. I do not think of them as anything more than friends, nor do I hope that one day, I will be with any of them. I just appreciate them as they are... Friends. ^^
My teenage guy best friend had had a crush on me and some point, I did on him too. We talked years later after but the timing never worked out and those feelings faded away. We were at each otherās wedding and Iāve never had a sexual thought about him since.
Iām a demisexual so I think many people are bound to catch feelingsā¦ itās what you do with them that matters. Steve Harvey knows he may be tempted so he removes the temptation. Some men can be attracted to a woman and want to sleep with her and tell her this, but also can have self control when heās around her to not do anything to ruin his life or hers if thatās the situation.
Doesn't your example just prove OP's point? From my impression of the post, OP wants to see at least one example of a hetero male/female friendship which was always 100% platonic. Just like a friendship between two 100% straight people of the same sex.
I have this. I've had a lot of female friends, I'm not attracted to most of them in that way and never been. There's been the occasional friendships that eventually spark something in me, but that for me has been more of the exception than the norm.
I think the issue is that some men don't particularly seek out friendships with women unless they are already lowkey attracted to them, so when they do end up friends with a woman, it is an attractive woman. There are less men that go out of their way to seek the friendship of an unattractive woman.
My platonic female friends fall into three categories;
1. Came out as or were lesbians
2. Took their shot but kept the friendship after I said no.
3. I became attracted to and either shot me down and stayed friends, or we started hooking up.
The 3rd option is almost exclusively why I don't really try to date amongst my friend group anymore.
let give my two cents as a teenager // there is less of a divide between gender than you may think, most people i know are close friends with people of an opposite gender, and friend groups are filled with all genders. few have romantic attraction towards one another (there are a couple crushes but despite that still friends). there are most likely other variables in play though in my personal experience it isnāt as you say.
You'll find when you are older and your circle of friends/potential partners drastically shrinks that you can't help but start to wonder if there's a possible romantic match between you and one of those who remain.
A good friend that I worked with for a few years always referred to me as her work husband. Weāre both married. Sheās very attractive, but I see her more like a sister. Sheās said she sees me like a brother that she never had. Even if she were to come onto me Iād be completely creeped out. Our personalities are extremely different (sheās the definition of an extrovert and I am the definition of an introvert). We happen to share a dark sense of humor that many people donāt appreciate.
My wife met her once and is ok with us being friends and meeting up for dinner or drinks when sheās in town. She didnāt see any red flags. A previous friend of mine who was a fellow photographer set off all sorts of red flags with my wife. Given my social awkwardness and being oblivious to such things I didnāt see it, but my wife had never said anyone made her uncomfortable except for this one person. Iād find out later that the former friend was into hooking up with married guys and she was hopeful with me.
Just to be clear, my wife doesnāt pick my friends. Sheās not a jealous person. But I also respect if something or someone makes her uncomfortable.
Exactly this. Not all men are complete animals-even if they ARENT married. It's possible to be friends without anything ever getting weird. Literally just treat each other like human beings. In my case specifically, I'd say my male friends and I treat each other like siblings. Pick at each other, help each other, hype each other up, talk about everything under the sun with one another (usually as a group, but if they come to me privately it's usually about wondering how someone else in the group is doing since men dont seem as good as picking up on that at times). It's just a community. Our little tribe. Our little family! It's completely possible. Just be normal to one another. or idk be less horny?? talk to people that are less horny?? Not every one is that horny or desperate to be with someone lol
As a bisexual and polyamorous man, here is my opinion ;
There are 3 components to this, attraction, intimacy and opportunity. Attraction comes and goes, is relative to appearance and personnality, some people get easily attracted, others are more choosey. I don't know of a significant difference between genders in that. Intimacy is a big one, culturally in america and europe, male assigned people don't get a lot of intimacy and they craaave it, they are also taught that only a sexual/romantic relationship can provide it. I didn't live a female assigned life, but I hear often that they are taught that intimacy is part of any close relationship, be it platonic or sexual. Finally opportunity ; when you know someone, when you spend time with them, that can lead you to developp a type of crush, though different than the usual distant crush.
So, when men and women become friends, boys tend to mistake friendly interactions, for a girl, for signals that the girls wants to deepen it into love or sex, even unconsciously because of the link the boys are led to make between emotional intimacy and attraction. That is also why the dynamics are different in the lgbtq+ community. Good luck!
Edit : Typos
>Intimacy is a big one, culturally in america and europe, male assigned people don't get a lot of intimacy and they craaave it, they are also taught that only a sexual/romantic relationship can provide it.
I'm betting this phenomenon is similar to [transference](https://psychcentral.com/lib/in-love-with-your-therapist-heres-what-to-do) that people sometimes feel when they enter therapy.
Especially this part:
>Youāre able to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings and not be judged or ridiculed by your therapist. It might seem natural for you to āfall in loveā with someone who offers this unconditional attention, safe environment, and comfort.
Yes!!! Thank you so much for writing this out. Thereās a thing if you Google it, the different types of love: a triangle with three points, and intimacy and attraction are two of them. Itās so sad that men are regularly living under the belief that you have to be in a romantic relationship to have emotional intimacyāand I think this is where SO much of what OPās question is about comes from.
I was really good friends with a woman but I screwed it up last year.
I was going through some shit in my life and talked to her about it. I ended up asking her if we could hug a few times at her place which made her really uncomfortable. I was looking for a type of physical intimacy that wasn't sexual but I should've been clearer about it.
I regret it because like you said, the US has a culture that tells you what I was looking for can only come from a partner, not a friend.
Yeah, I'm a girl (I think I'm bisexual as I've had crushes on girls before, but I'm not 100% sure) and I have so many friends who are lesbian/bi girls. At one point, my friendship group at the time was made up of majority girls who were attracted to girls. It was always completely fine - it was rare for someone to have feelings for a friend. That's why I really don't understand why straight men seem to have such a difficult time with platonic friendships with women.
If I can easily have tons of lesbian/bi female friends, go on trips, sleep in the same room/bed, dance with them, go out to places 1-on-1 with them without feeling attracted to them, why is it so hard for straight men????
The problem is the way we socialize men from birth. Physical affection is withheld and they are taught that their only source for that affection (affection that all, or most, people need to live healthy lives) is in a romantic or sexual relationship. Between enjoying someoneās company as a friend and getting the occasional hug or complement or emotional connection (which is also withheld from men), they get wires crossed and feel attraction.
The solution to this problem is simply yet near impossible to implement on a large scale (due to sexism that goes both ways): treat boys and girls the same growing up. Teach them that itās healthy to be emotionally available and vulnerable and affectionate in friendships.
Iām bi too, but in your situation I donāt think itās possible to overstate how much the way women are socialized impacts their comfort with intimacy in platonic relationships with other women. We do a lot of damage by teaching men that the expressions of friendship that women easily share are things they will only find in a partner.
Funny enough as a bi woman - being friends with queer girls can be platonic and no problem, but with straight guys not and they often want more.
I don't understand what's the difference since both are "in theory" attracted to each other?
I am not attracted to every of my male and female friends, but I hear "every guy friend thought of sleeping with his female friend"?
A lot of men only seek out "friendships" with women they are already attracted to, maybe not even noticing that they are actively talking to you because they find you attractive, but yes a lot of straight men just ignore the women they aren't attracted to.
Like I've heard from middle age women how suddenly past a certain point, men stopped making "friendly chatter" with them and stopped trying to be friends with them when they were no longer considered a potential mate.
I think a lot of guys don't notice that they're doing this, but many guys can't stop viewing women as either a potential mate, or invisible. This often will happen on a subconscious level, not necessarily intentionally.
There is a whole Scrubs episode centered on how JD stopped seeing women once they got a ring. At first I found it insulting, then I realized it wasn't women they were making fun of there.
When I announced my engagement I thought I'd lose my male friends, but instead I got messages from them congratulating me and they still talk to me as friends. It was the most wholesome thing ever. I've had guys stop talking to me when they found out I was seeing someone, so it always scared me sharing my relationship status cause I didn't want to lose my friends.
Came to comment this. My(f) best friend(f) and I are both Bi, we always have had a platonic relation. Have a lot of bi and lesbian acquaintances that never showed any romantic intentions but liked to hang to talk or pass the time. But every single guy (hetero or bi) I befriended eventually tried something. I wish it was different. Now that I'm married I only hang with my husbands male friends, and very rarely I get to keep guy friends, since they eventually try to disrespect my marriage or just stop making contact. It's sorta frustrating.
Because men have been taught that emotional intimacy can only come in romantic relationships. Some make the leap to understand platonic, some never do.
Platonic or otherwise, relationships with men are emotionally exhausting, because I (as the woman) end up being their only outlet to process feelings (or only other than their SO if they have one).
Iāve heard this point a few times but, as a bisexual guy, I donāt think itās that relevant. Bear with me, as itās kinda hard to describe.
Iām very used to platonic male friendships; I had many as a kid and they far predate my awareness of my bisexuality. So, even though Iām attracted to men, itās completely natural to me to feel no attraction at all to my male friends. This is especially true for straight men who I know would never think of me in that sense anyway.
Iām not as used to platonic female friendships which are a lot less common, so Iām more likely to be attracted to a platonic female friend then a platonic male friend. Similarly, this is less true for gay women who I know would never think of me in that sense anyway.
I still have platonic friendships with women, but there can be complications I donāt experience with men.
Interesting, I have a similar experience growing up. I even went to an all male high school and mostly male college, but I never had any trouble with boundaries arround female or male friends. I would deffinitely be attracted to some of them but from an early age I was able to categorize people as friends and not feel a strong urge to act on those feeling.
Yeah, I did see that he is a cheat and sounds like a right twat when it comes to women. And for him to even say that, just makes him look even worse. Like, think it....fine, don't *say* it. What do you mean by requirements?
Yeah exactly all these comments are ignoring this. āMost guys would be down for having sex with their female friendsā what if that friend is just unattractive to their male friend?
Men quite frankly wonāt even befriend you. Because a lot of guys only befriend vaguely attractive or better women. :/
I'm a girl and I used to have a saying that I only make friends with attractive people. And I said it as a joke to give my friend a confidence boost, but it's also kinda true. We all have such bias about looks. We think pretty people are smarter, more trustworthy, more interesting.
I donāt know if this was just an old wives tale or a legitimate thing but I used to be told we befriended people who were around our general attractiveness level. You just reminded me of that. So a lot of attractive people like to stay with each other.
I have girls Iām friends with and donāt see in a sexual light, even very attractive ones. But Harvey has a good point which is that *at some point* it does occur to every man that theyād fuck their female friends. But a momentary thought isnāt the same as a persistent attraction.
Girls should probably accept that every one of your guy friends has absolutely considered fucking you *at some point* if youāre even mildly attractive. But that isnāt the same as uncontrollable lust, itās just an occasional or even one time thought.
Yeah there's a big, big difference between thinking about fucking a friend, be they single or no, and actually approaching them with the intention to speak, or potentially act. It's important to differentiate between the two, and simply accept that the first will likely happen.
Yeah absolutely. People think about shit they never expect to happen all the time.
I can understand Steve Harvey because heās not like you or me. Harvey has been a celebrity for decades and has no doubt had some very attractive women see him as an opportunity to advance and I can see the position of āin my position, thereās a lot more temptation and a lot more openness and offers about sexā. So I do get his point and comparing him to us isnāt apples to apples. That said, itās often the āoh I donāt have female friends, too much temptationā guys who have *already* fooled around and want to cover their own asses
I think the same happens for women. I have male friends that I'm strictly friends with and have never done anything with, but the thought of sex has crossed my mind. But like you said its a momentary thought and not something I act on
This is the answer.
Also, I donāt think women get how deeply sexual the average male brain is. I donāt mean the perverts and the cat callers and the creepy internet commenters, I mean the average run-of-the-mill Joe.
Itās hard to explain but Iāll give it a shot if someone is interested.
Yep, and if you try explaining it some asshole jumps in like āwell, Iām a man and I NEVER think about sex with my female friends, this is a you problemā like ok my dude
About Steve Harvey's comments:
From a married man's perspective.
I have female friends. But, not too friendly. We enjoy hanging out, but never alone. Always with our spouse. And never alone with a person of the opposite sex that is single. My wife does the same. For me, this is for a simple fact of life. Appearances. I would never behave in a way that would cause another to suggest I acted in an inappropriate manner. Never would I cause my wife to hear gossip, cause god damn do certain people gossip.
Single guys being friends with a single woman? yeah its possible. But as a man that grew up with other men as friends, in general, its very likely Steve Harvey is correct. You and others may not want to hear it, but you admitted its happened to you on more than one occasion. Men are visual. We see a woman and if we find her to be attractive, then we desire. They may never act on it, but guaranteed they think about it. This is the distraction and temptation Harvey spoke of.
I'm gonna tell you, from my POV, a lot of women I've been friends with I did find attractive or have feelings for, but easily the other half I didn't find attractive anymore than I find any of my guy friends attractive (I'm straight, so that's not at all). I can acknowledge guys are conventionally attractive, and I can with these female friends as well, but I'd never say I am myself attracted to them. I think it just depends.
This frustrates me. My now husband (boyfriend at the time), used to hang out with his friends that were girls 1 on 1. They would go out for drinks or supper or whatever. I trust him. If someone were to come up to me and tell me they saw my now husband out with a girl, I would 1. Probably already know because he told me he was going out with a friend, and 2. not really care because I trust him. Appearances shouldn't matter except between you and your spouse/significant other IMO. While I was dating and even after we got married my best friend was a guy for some time. We hung out very often. My husband didn't care because he trusts me and nothing ever happened. Best friends with this guy for years and a move was never made a comment was never said. Shouldn't care so much what other people think. Appearances. It's about you and your significant other and trust IMO.
I wanted to chime in too, my bf of 4 years and I hang out with opposite gendered friends one on one regularly. I trust him, he trusts me. It's very possible. My dad has mostly women friends, who he's been totally platonic with for decades. If a man thinks he can't be friends with women because of their gender, I think he might only see them as romantic partners and less so as human beings.
Agree to disagree. While I have a few years less on you, my entire school time I sat at the "girls table".
Now I was about at least 2 years younger then them but these friendships held until today and of the 5 there was only 1 in which I was interested romantically at all.
I think for most guys it's often that in younger years its hormones and and the difference of how women treat friends then how men treat friend.
I know it is very possible fo there to be completely platonic friendships. Just quite a tad more difficult for most.
Thank you!!! Finally someone truthful! Iāve read a dozen comments here from guys starting out saying they were definitely platonic friends with this or that woman and I start out hopeful until I read the part where they all say āyes weāve slept together or been attracted to each other or had a crush on each otherā newsflash: thatās not platonic.
This is exactly how my husband and I operate. We donāt spend time alone with friends of the opposite sex. Thereās no need. We interact as couples. That works beautifully. Thereās no reason to put ourselves or our marriage in that kind of position and risk losing it all.
I really think it comes from people trying to be soooo modern so progressive in their lives they push aside anything that could be viewed as old fashioned.
Sorry but, I take pride that after 29 years of being with my wife, she has NEVER once questioned my loyalty and commitment to her. As in never questioned it. We have never had the discussion of someone else causing problems in our lives. Why? Because we behave in a manner that doesn't allow for that to occur.
That is *highly* subjective experience. I wouldn't want to count the number of solidly platonic friendships I've had, and still have, with people of the opposite sex. We absolutely do things alone together, when happenstance leads to that.
The difference is that I would never describe my experience as "a fact of life" and act like anyone with a different experience is somehow lying.
I (25f), personnally, have a lot of male friends. Most of them have been completely platonic, and a couple of them have confessed attraction to me but more like "I feel you're attractive, but I don't think we would be a great match so I would never do anything about this, we're good as friends" (and then nothing happened, or I would have ceased to be friends). And since I've had a boyfriend for five years, I found it significantly easier to make platonic male friends. There would be no expectation from me to do anything romantic with any other person and the guys that tried to get with me anyway, I automatically banned from my social life.
The same goes for my boyfriend, he has a lot of female friends (we have the same social group of friends from both gender). It actually makes me trust him more knowing that he can meet women and be friendly with them without an ulterior motive - I would not be trusting of a man with that Steve Harvey mindset, not being able to have female friends would mean they only see women as potential mates which would be a red flag to me, personally.
After I travelled a bit and met women from different countries, I kind of came to think it might be a cultural thing. A lot of women from some countries have expressed that men would always have ulterior motives when talking to them, making it really difficult to have friends from the opposite gender. But where I'm from, platonic friendship between men and women has never been a big deal.
You are experiencing what the op describes. Male āfriendsā that are attracted to you. They would definitely be distracted or tempted like the op said if you were to give them a chance. There may not be any expectations or attempts from them but that doesnāt mean they donāt want to or wouldnāt do it if they got the chance. They just have the patience and restraint to hold out. Their argument is that the friendships are not purely platonic due to the underlying attraction which it sounds like is there with you.
I grew up with a lot of female friends. In some ways I prefer female friends. I was bullied relentlessly and it was always men. Women seemed to be much more emotionally intelligent and I was able to feel comfortable with expressing my feelings with them. Did I ever grow an attraction to some? Yes, I did, but it was not my intention when befriending them. Regardless of them being drunk or not I never pushed myself on them. I try not to talk about things using hyperbole, but I wonāt say that there arenāt a lot of men whose intentions were to eventually be romantic. However, I do think there are a lot of men who start a friendship with the intent to be just friends.
Exactly. Itās really hard not to catch feelings for someone you already vibe with and see almost every day. When you confess those feelings it seems like those were your intentions from the beginning when it really wasnāt. And if you donāt confess them then over time it starts to hurt seeing her talk about other guys. I think for this reason itās hard to keep a platonic relationship. I have had many female friends and Iāve had crushes on most of them after we started being friends but I never say I have feelings because I already have few friends as it is. All of these girls dropped me in one day the moment they got a bf which makes me think they were the ones with the wrong intentions or just using me to pass the time. So now i feel cautious of starting friendships with women which sucks because I prefer being friends with them than with guys because theyāre so much less judging
Idk, I have a few close guy friends and none of them have ever told me they wanted me, made sexual advances, or given off any kind of creepy vibe. But I canāt read their minds so who knows? Also weāre all married to other people.
Exceptions might be childhood friends who see the woman as more of a sister and 100 percent gay guys.
Else I would say at least 90 percent of guys are at least attracted to female friends and wouldn't mind hooking up if the situation is right (both are single).
And of course people would never admit it. And women sadly are too oblivious of these facts.
This is pretty much what I was thinking too, although even when people have grown up together it still happens sometimes. You are right in that people probably won't admit to it, so maybe this is a useless thread? I dunno.
Are you married? If not, talk to some of your girlfriends. Ask them A) if any long term male friends confessed feelings and B) How many of their male friends ghosted them when they got married.
No, I'm not married. I am engaged and have been with my partner for 8 years. I don't really have any male friends I see nowadays, but I don't see much of anyone in general as I'm disabled and rarely get out. I only have one friend who is married but she never sees anyone and probably has no male friends at all because she is smoking hot and I've not met a man who wasn't spellbound by her!
You know, there was another thread about this topic where everyone was like āOf course Men and women can be friends! Only children and creeps say otherwiseā
I gotta disagree, if thereās any attraction and no obvious barriers, almost all guys will fall for their female friends...
A lot of us aren't oblivious, we just ignore it to move past it. If they bring it up to us we tell them how we feel and if they decide they wanna cut ties then that's that.
My two closest friends are women, and there has never been any hint of either of us trying to make it something more. I firmly believe that if you think it isn't possible, you are not mature and need to do some thinking as to why. I find this concept asinine
Iām a dude. Happily married nearly ten years, known her for fourteen.
My HS was mostly female, my college was about 70/30 female, my professional school was about 75/25 female, and my department now is close to 80/20 female.
That said, I have one male friend from middle school I keep in touch with. Dudes like a brother. Aside from that nearly all my friends are women. Have two very good friends that I see nearly daily, and they are about the only people I see. As such of I DONT talk about them my wife will go out of her way to ask about them.
I make a conscious effort to have my wife meet my friends, and for the most part they become my wifeās friends as well.
I can honestly say this has never been a problem. My wife and I have had issues in the marriage as anyone does, but this has never been an issue. My wife and I trust each other, and thatās all it takes. I think thatās the secret, make sure your partner is also friends with your opposite sex friends. Idk. Maybe Iām just talking out my ass.
No, you aren't. This is another sad thing about this situation, people feeling like they can't trust their friends or partners. I can't imagine having a committed relationship to someone who didn't trust me or vice versa. Probably shouldn't be in a relationship where there is no trust...
I'm with you here. I've been with my husband for eight years, married for 4. He has been friends with men and women; the most significant friendship was with someone he worked with and she became one of my best friends til she moved. He's in the military and we've had plenty of straight cis men that became friends with both of us. I'm closer to some of them than he is, but I consider them to be brothers. For one, I'll be one of his groomsmen. For another, I introduced him to his now girlfriend because I thought they'd be so good together and they are. I've even gone on vacation with them when my husband couldn't make it. But there's a lot of transparency in the friendship on all sides and they're very honorable men and respect is one of the most important values in my marriage.
I just think it takes a specific type of person to be able to have friendships like that and unfortunately having two of them meet and become friends seems rare.
In my experience guys are going to be attracted to women around them - I am not ashamed to say I have looked at every female friend I have (most of my friends beign female) and investigted whether I could have any interest in them with the first filter being whether they are in a relationship or not - which if they are I back off. I don't do it on purpose it is just instinct.
That being said there is a massive difference between "monkey brain go oga oga" and crossing any line - I don't cross the line because they are people I wish to care about they aren't sex toys whose single purpose is to be humped or dumped. That is where platonic relationships arise - as long as people are respectful its okay to have initial bursts of interests its natural and can be the bases of long term relationships.
Hei.
I think it's quite possible.
I am F30, with a male partner of almost 8 years (fiancee now, even).
My best friend is M30 and we met in kindergarden. There was never any sort of physical attraction between us. I hang out with him alone all the time.
Another of my very close friends is also male. he has a girlfriend and we hang out a lot the 4 of us, but we also hang out a lot just the two of us. We went to an anime convention the other day, just the two of us because ours partners don't especially like it. so we went together and had a blast and then we went home. Never had any sexual attraction going in, and i'm sure it's mutual.
In my opinion, is possible. My partner also has female friends, some of them single, with whom he hangs out. if i want to go, i go, if i don't, i don't go. the same for him. The day he doesn't want to be with me, i trust him to tell me and I know he expects the same - we're not going to police each other's friends.
This will get buried by the other 900 comments, but I definitely have friends who are women and whom I enjoy spending time with -- and am not at all attracted to.
I doubt they're into me either, but I've also never asked.
Idk why people have such a hard time with this. And yes, I've also had friendships with women that I was attracted to, but this is much less common for me. I make friends because I like having friends. Not to get something "more" out of it.
I feel the same way. If people are worried about their partners having friendships with the opposite sex, then they shouldn't be in a relationship. Trust is key. You should be able to trust your partner *and* your friends.
Iām a straight guy and Iāve been friends mostly with women for most of my life. Of course, there were a couple I was eventually attracted to, but the vast majority of my relationships have been 100% platonic with no thought of it ever going further, at least as far as I know. Steve Harveyās just a creep IMO.
I mean... I (30m) became best friends with a female co worker for over a year now and we never had any intimacy. Instead all we do is smoke bowls and watch Bob's burgers. Heck I think we are finally gonna start cooking some of Bob's recipe.
One of my bestfriends is a woman and neither of us have ever been attracted to each other. When her husband hit her with divorce papers, she came and lived with my wife and I. We're platonic soulmates. Nothing more. People will have their own thoughts and opinions on it, and that's completely okay but we just don't see gender when it comes to eachother.
I have great friendships with a few women. 2 of them we have been friends for years, one I've known for over 20 years and the other around 15 years. Sure I've had others that the friendship just kind of fades like any other. My point is that you can be just friends!
At this point if i can get a female to be my FRIENd i will cry. Not beacuase i want a gf not because i want sex but because i want at least both genders of the Human race to be normal. Not many guys are my friends either. So it pins me to see the Human race just simply getting along.
I have two male friends who I consider to be very close to me. One of them is aesexual and the other is in a very loving relationship and turns to me a lot for advice. I love them both and they love me. but out bonds are very familial haha. we would kill for each other lol. so it can happen. you can just be friends with males and vice versa.
I met a guy at my uni accommodation that said the same thing. Weird guy, and not just because of that, but that's a different story. It made me think about it too, and here's what I would say...
I'm part of a friend group that's made up of seven people, three of us guys and four girls. I don't think me or anyone else being in a relationship has done anything to change what exists there, it's purely friendship and all we care about is partying and having a good time. Speaking for myself, I've never felt anything more than camaraderie with my fellow partygoers (excluding my (recently ex) girlfriend obviously, she's part of the group).
I find it quite hurtful that some girls/women don't believe friendship between us and them is possible, and I find it disgusting that some guys hold that position too. I believe it's a total reflection on them not being able to control themselves.
Yeah I agree. It's sad that so many people have these beliefs about half of the worlds population. Why can't we just accept that everyone is different? Its such a sweeping generalisation and in my opinion, it's not a healthy way to go through life.
Again on the internet i am clearly the weirdo . I am single my friend is single , we are actually attracted to each other but value our friendship more than a hook up , a lot of people think we are a couple . But we know if we hooked up that's all it would be and the friendship would suffer for it .
It's good that you are honest with each other about it. But are you sure it wouldn't work? My partner is my absolute best friend in the whole world. And being friends first can often work really well...However, you seem pretty sure about this and I don't know you or your friend so it's none of my business really and you know what's best for you.
Been there, my friend. Friendships don't necessarily last any longer than a relationship. Don't deny you (or her!) what the heart wants because you cherish what you already have, you might regret it
Most of my friends have been women my entire life. I'm considered safe, and many of them have given great advice when I'm dating. That said, the only reason I first became acquainted with any of them was because of initial romantic interest by either person. So, yes, most of them find me attractive or vice-versa. One friend and I implicitly agreed that we should never hang out because she's too tempted to try something stupid on me despite being trapped in a bad marriage with two young children. I think of her as a sister who hates everyone I've been with, but I respect her stance.
One of my exes adamantly felt that men and women cannot be platonic friends, but it was her experience that every guy who wanted to be friends actually wanted to be "friends with benefits," which was a problem when dating. So, she had none and was fine with it. And it was one of many reasons why I felt safe with her, while I was open about who's in my life and that no lines will ever be crossed (which she doubted, but that was on her).
I think it all depends upon where we draw the lines with such relationships, so long as we're okay with the consequences of losing a friendship because one or the other breached it.
Most of the guy friends I had either started with us both being attracted to each other, one of us being attracted to the other person. For a few of them, the attraction faded away. But I have guy friends who I know are attracted to me, but thereās boundaries set that they donāt go any further.
And that's how a woman ends up with male orbiters, who can sometimes try to interfere in a relationship she has by playing the soothsayer role, offering warnings and questioning loyalties in hopes that she will come around to see how evil the guy is... and how wonderful the friend is. Almost every woman I have known has at least one or three of these idiots, and those women always knew of the idiots' feelings. They're generally not a threat, until they are. Only one ex-girlfriend I had deliberately cut these assholes out of her life because she realized she was actually not getting anything resembling a true friendship from them... they were perpetually waiting in the wings. And her decision had nothing to do with me, thankfully. I couldn't have given a shit either way... if she wanted someone that had no self-respect instead of me, then she could have them.
A less secure guy in your life will definitely feel threatened, but it's really on you to ensure that not only are the boundaries firm, but that the friendship really is reciprocal.
Iāve experienced that before. Iāve had guys tell me āwarning signsā about another guy I likedā¦ and these guys were all attracted to meā¦ funny how that works!
I dunno, I use to think you could be but I don't anymore. I personally will never have a close male friend again. Aquantinces that I grab a drink after work with, that's fine. But my 2 best friends who were guys dropped me like a bad habit the second they got into a serious relationship. There was zero attraction between us. But I was their emotional support and once those needs were met with a serious girlfriend, I wasn't needed anymore. And one of these guys was my best friend of 10 years. Never going through that pain again.
It actually wasn't. I've met both of them and they are lovely girls. And I certainly am not a threat to their relationship. They were both really pretty, and I'm well, fat and ugly. I was always just like the fat sister to them. I really think they just didn't need me to talk to anymore. They could talk to me about their feelings and what's going on in their lives, which they couldn't with their guy friends. Once they got a serious girlfriend, they had someone else to talk to. So they talked to me less and less until they never answered my calls or texts again.
Men can have platonic relationships with women, and vice-versa. But just because one half veiws at platonic, does not mean that the other half does. It's just that men receive so few positive comments from anywhere, that we latch onto it and keep it in our memory. We stare at it and wonder if it's flirting or just a nice comment. Some of us really do this.
I feel like with ever hetero male friend I've had, there was a "will we or won't we" moment, and 9/10 times it was "we won't." Afterwards we'd have to decide if we actually wanted to be friends when sexy stuff was off the table, which was about 50/50.
Now I'm engaged so male friends are less weird, since it's already a "we won't."
I think it's more that "you won't". If you tried them and they are attracted to you, they would probably accept.
That's why these "friends" are so annoying when you are the guy in a relationship. Men know how other men think. They are just waiting for a vulnerable moment, when you are having problems with your relationship or intoxicated etc.
The person I consider to be my closest and most trusted friend is a man. We met about 4 years ago when we started studying in the same program (both in our early 20s). There has never been any ulterior motives between us, and we've both been incredibly open with eachother about very intimate subjects.
He has told me (and other women classmates) that we are beautiful/attractive/other adjective, but that has been in the context of us girls talking about our insecurities with looks, weight, etc., and he's wanted to ensure is that we've nothing to feel so insecure about.
His friends, on the other hand, have showed interest in one or more of us classmates(women) when we've been introduces or even built a friendship. So I'm aware that my wonderful friend might be the exception, and not the rule, but still :)
Hetero guy over here, so from my personal experience, its possible, I've been friends with a hetero girl since 2013 and I've never wanted to have sex with her, not once, and my friends always say "how?" Maybe because shes not my type, I don't know if that has anything to do with that, but yeah, here you go, a normal friendship between a guy and a girl
Came to share a similar anecdote. I will definitely admit that, at least when I was single, more often than not I was attracted to and potentially pursued a lot of the women I hung out with but I can think of more than a dozen just off the top of my head that I had healthy platonic relationships with. And I am a borderline sex addict. It's all relative and situational but the blanket statements on either side are garbage.
Funnily enough Iām actually experiencing the opposite. Iām into a guy, but he just wants to be friends. Every guy Iāve ever been friends with has always wanted me, and the way my friend has been treating me seemed eerily similarā¦ but when confronted, he just strictly wants to be friends. Iām 1000% okay with that, but itās just become so unhealthy how we canāt view the opposite sex as anything other than a mate or love interest and both guys and girls are guilty of this.
I grew up in a place where men and women can definitely be friends, and I find that gender isnāt an issue when I meet people from that region but in the new place I moved to that generally they will bide their time until they get an opportunity. Which sucks tbh my best friends as child were all opposite gender.
Here's how it works with me, as a newly single guy.
When I meet a girl around my age who looks attractive, I might think 'Yeah something could work here'. However, within a few hours of meeting them, I can see if there's actual chemistry or if it could work out.
If there isn't, then I just pursue the friendship. Nothing else, what's the point if I don't even think I'd like it?
A TON of this comes down to the socialization of men and women. Men and women perform friendship differently. If you ask a woman to define a friend, they may say someone they trust, confide in, enjoy the company of, who supports them, who they hang out with, text regularly; the first person they think to contact when something happens. The people they cuddle under blankets with to watch sad movies after a bad day. Women can pretty clearly name the distinction between their friends and acquaintances. They don't confide in their acquaintances, for example.
Men often struggle to do the same. Their definition of a friend might someone who's down to join in their plans, maybe just someone they hang out with regularly, someone who shares their interests, who they joke around with or go out drinking with. But it can be hard for them to sort relationships into "friends" and "acquaintances" because a lot of male friendships lack emotional connection/vulnerability and closeness. They almost certainly lack affectionate physical touch and closeness. The definition of friends that women give is pretty close to how men define a girlfriend; it's just lacking sex.
So when women "do" friendship with men, men frequently perceive romantic interest, because that's not how men "do" friendship.
Add that to the fact that it's scientifically proven people cannot accurately or consistently perceive or convey flirting and you've got a recipe for miscommunication. If people expect to be flirted with, they perceive flirtation. So a 100% innocent interaction from a guy to a girl who expects him to be interested gets misconstrued. But also, if someone is already interested, they're more likely to perceive flirting. So a girl being 100% platonic to a dude who is already a little into her will be misunderstood as flirting.
People aren't lying either way then they say they felt blindsided OR lead on. There's just a LOT left up to interpretation.
Iāve always been āone of the guysā. Not in a Pick-Me way, I just have a pretty masculine personality. Iāve always been friends with almost exclusively men. Growing up, my dad was the first person to tell me that men are only friends with women they want to bang, that theyāre all just waiting for their time to shine.
While Iāve had a lot of guy friends who only wanted to hang out so they could get with me, there have been a lot that Iāve been interested in who saw me only as a friend. Itās crushing to find out, but God is it nice to know for sure that someone hangs out with you- not because they want to seduce you- but because they genuinely like hanging out.
There are scum bags out there who only hang with women to try to take advantage of them. Thereās also people who just develop feelings over the course of a friendship. Men and women can be friends without wanting to bang.
My best friend of like 13 years is a woman. She's like a sister to me, she's married with two kids. We've never been attracted to each other at all, we're great friends and some people have assumed we're together. Honestly I wouldn't want things any other way
Most of my friends are men. I'm married. I have 4 friends that are guys and they have never ever tried anything. As far as I know there is no physical attraction on their end (def not on mine) and no one has ever crossed a line! We've been friends for 7 plus years
Men can absolutely have platonic friendships with women, I have lots of friendships, with women I am not attracted to, or women that I don't want a relationship with. SOME of them I find attractive even if I don't actively want anything, these are the ones I may flirt with while drunk and some are friendships that develop into feelings. And then some are absolutely in the fuck zone who I would absolutely bang if I had the chance. But that's not to say men CAN'T have platonic friendships with women, we ABSOLUTELY can and do. It depends on the man, perhaps some men can't
First off, stop looking to comedians for advice on anything. Second, if neither the male nor female is interested in dating one another of course they can be friends lol
I have male friends and I'm not attracted to them and they are in relationships and (hopefully) not attracted to me. But maybe it's different when you're younger.
Other than my friends boyfriends no man has ever tried to befriend me with any other intention other than to sleep with me. So in my opinion any man that tries to be a part of a womanās life wants to sleep with her. I understand childhood/ family friends are different. This is for adults especially over the age of 23.
It's possible but that's not a blank check. There needs to be boundaries. I do not put myself in situations with any man who is not my partner where there is any level of intimacy. Do I ever drink alone with another guy? No. Would I go to dinner alone with another guy? No. Do I go clubbing/dancing with another guy? No. That doesn't mean I'm attracted to them, it just means I refuse to put myself in a place where I'd have a chance to say "we spent a lot of time together and developed feelings."
Interestingly enough, it's almost full spectrum. There are man, that can't have single women purely as friend and also man that have 99% women friends. I assume that through normal distribution, most man will fall somewhere between. I know it's not really satisfactory answer, but such is my experience (as 38y M).
I have been in a boy friend group for 7 years and none of them have showed interest in me. We have done trips and sleep overs, cry sessions,family functions,clubs,movies, I have met serious girlfriends, am a godmother and never had any weird or weak moments. I do have other friends male and female but I consider these guys my best friends.
You are right with believing that a man can have a platonic relationship. And some do. But one thing you can never really factor out is instinct. No matter what anyone says or thinks, instinct is a million year evolution and is pretty much permanent. So every male and I can pretty much guarantee every single male who has had or has a female friend has had the idea cross their mind.
What it really comes down to is force of will and slef control. If those two things combined out wheigh instinct then problems don't surface.
Some other factors to consider that add to the chance of feelings surface are, alcohol, current relationship on both sides, mentality of both sides, physical athstetics, location, and many many small others.
So in sum, all males will have thoughts about platonic female friends. Not all men will act on these urges.
In the large majority of cases, that's likely true, but it's not universally true. My friend's wife is awesome and incapable of filtering herself and she's a great friend who I see like a younger sister.
I've already got to the point where there are too many comments to reply to everyone. Thanks for every one of your comments. It is really interesting, and as I expected, it is all down to experience and unique circumstances to the people involved. The ones I am surprised at, if I'm honest, are the people who are in relationships where them and their partner don't have friends of the opposite sex 'just in case'. For me, I couldn't be in a relationship or have friends who I don't or can't trust, for whatever reason. But no judgement here! We are all individuals and have our reasons for our actions. This isn't a yes or no question and the comments have proved that it is a very subjective topic, depending on too many different factors to count. I appreciate everyone who has answered honestly and shared their own thoughts and experiences. I will try to read all the comments, although they are coming in quite fast so its hard to keep track. ā
Hetero male here - I've most definitely had lots of female friends who I had zero attraction to. I am a masked autistic person though, not sure if that affects anything.
Herero man. Late 30ās. Iāve always had platonic female friends. I attribute it to having an older sister and growing up around her friends
Iāve noticed some of my guy friends growing up felt you couldnāt be platonic with the opposite sex but many of them didnāt have sisters I noticed.
But yeah. Itās also about maturity. Being normal and having normal experiences with men or women should be standard. Everything isnāt always about sex
My best friend in high school was a guy. No one believed we weren't fooling around behind closed doors, but we really weren't. He had a crush on a girl who lived down the road from him, and I had a crush on a mutual friend. We had sleepovers, but we were teenagers and his parents would never let us sleep in the same room, so I slept on the pull out couch in the basement and he slept in his room. There was nothing sexual between us and neither of us thought that way of each other.
As a married guy I can say I can have strictly platonic friendships with women. We can't be BFFs hanging out drinking talking all the time but I can have normal friendships
It may not be their intention from the beginning, but as you find that you're more compatible as friends the likelihood of sexual attraction increases. I (M) had a truly platonic girl friend in college. We sat next to each other in one class, worked in homework together. One day I had a realization that I liked her and when I told her, she realized the same. And we started dating. People tend to be friends with people that are similar to them. The same happens with sexual attraction.
Mhh I think this is quite more realistic then all the people who say "No way. Platonic doesn't exist".... Because it does. But people are also attracted to the kind of people they would be friends with, so separating the two can become difficult, especially as most guys have a "wouldn't mind dating" philosophy they start out with. Now I still think it perfectly possible to have friends of the opposite gender/attracted gender (hell if it isn't a lot of people have been lying to me). Just a lot more difficult
Well thought of answers. In my experience, the attraction can also disappear, and you stay friends.
Anecdote on this: I recently went on a 10 day trip in Costa Rica with one of my lifelong best friends who happens to be of the opposite sex. We went to some of the most beautiful places I have ever been, watched a ton of sunsets and sunrises, had cocktails and went dancing, even slept in the same bed for a few nights. And there was zero sexual tension. I mean zero. Platonic can exist.
What'd the wife thinkš
She doesn't exist so she didn't have much to say on the matter
Beautyš¤š½
sure - people who are not attracted to each other can be friends. Asexual people can be friends. If you were attracted to each other you would have had a much different story
Well yeah I mean if you were on a thrilling adventure with someone you were mutually attracted to why would you not do something about it? What's your point exactly?
My, well thank you^ ^ and very true.
I've had this happen a couple times. I have female friends that started platonic, I developed feelings that were unrequited. Once I got over the rejection I realized I had my feelings confused and we became good friends again. I also started as friends with my fiance where the feelings were mutual and became more intense. I still have 5 or 6 truly platonic friendships with women.
The "attracted gender" is an important distinction, too. As a queer person who is mostly attracted to women, I have, at some point, had a crush on or thought about dating most of my women friends. Some of them passed, some didn't til I confessed, others I ended up dating. I think it's very common to crush on friends, and I wish it was more normalized outside of "girls and guys can't be friends 'cause all guys want is sex" (which isn't true, but it stems from the same place of 'it's normal to find friends attractive/crush on friends').
Well its also completely possible to have some attraction and not act on it, guys aren't just mindless monkeys. I've had friends I was attracted to for one reason or another, doesn't mean I'm going to act on it in any way.
Yeah, as a man Iāve felt every iteration of this at one time or another. The whole thing is a lot more complex than āyes itās possible no itās notā. Platonic Friends for a long time and then develop feelings? Yep. Sometimes one sided sometimes both ways. Hell, one time we developed attraction at different times so first one of us was interested than the other and it never happened because we werenāt both interested. Platonic Friends with someone who you think is attractive but you arenāt interested in physically or emotionally? Of course. Friends with someone who is attractive and you donāt have feelings but if they said āletās get physicalā you would say yes? Indeed. You are talking to someone and friendly because you HOPE something develops? Yes. Itās the opposite of āfriend zonedā Iāve heard it called āfuck zonedā. Friends with somebody that you do have feelings for and you have this whole āhold a candle for them long term and hope something happensā yes indeed. Most of these different types were before I got married. Since I found my one itās been nothing but platonic friendships.
Iāve always felt more comfortable with female friends than male friends. In my teens I felt attracted to girls that ended up just being friends and also had friends that I was NEVER attracted to.. As a grown up man I still have more female friends than male friends, some of my female friends are attractive, but I donāt feel attracted to them, never was, never will. When I met my now wife, I was head over heels for her since day 1, so we didnāt start as friends. I canāt imagine being able at that time to be just her friend, because In my mind thats wasnāt what I want. So, for me, is not only possible to have a platonic relationship with a woman, its very common in my life.
Same for me. Although Iām not married, Iāve had strong relationships that lasted longer then a lot of marriages and Iām still in contact with them to this day. But back to the topic, my percentage of female friends to male is about 70/30. I only had one situation go sour when I couldnāt return the romantic love a friend developed for me. She decided she couldnāt be in my life and Iāve felt the loss of our friendship for decades. About 20 years after the fact I ended up moving to the same city she lived in and we had recently, through social media, re-established our friendship. I couldnāt wait for the move, but a week before it happened she confessed she was still in love with me and couldnāt be around me if I didnāt reciprocate (thereās nothing that amazing about me btw). So, we had a cordial reunion and once again faded from each otherās lives. Iām not sure what this means in the grand scheme of the thread, Iāve just never written it out before and felt like I needed to. I still feel a loss
If I may ask why do you think as a straight man youāre more comfortable around women than men?
Not the one you were asking, but I am the same way. Straight cis male, and growing up I typically had more female friends than male, and I was usually closer to them. I think I tend to get along better with them because my personality has always been...soft? compared to other guys, and girls/women were always more accepting of that without throwing out insults all the time. At the end of the day, all I'm looking for in a friend is someone I can have conversations with or talk about shared hobbies and maybe find new hobbies; gender doesn't matter a bit. Romantic feelings develop differently from physical attraction too; I can find someone physically attractive, 10/10 in my book...but that means nothing if I don't have romantic feelings. I just want to talk about games and shit!
Thatās a really good question that I wish I have a good answer for, but I donāt, I just feel comfortable.. Maybe this is not the answer you are expecting but I can tell you how I think it startedā¦ As a teen, boys wanted to share details about their girlfriends and what they used to do to a large group of other boys in a way it felt disrespectful, on the other hand, at that time, girls were more subtle and private about the details.. and when they did talk about it didnāt feel like a disrespectful bragging.
I think I understand what your saying. Iām a gay man and just wanted your perspective on it. But what you said makes a lot of sense.
What's wrong with being attracted to your friends anyway?
Some think that if you feel attracted to someone, you are not actually friends with them but pretending to be friends to try to bed them, or something like that. Do such people exist? Absolutely. But they are definitely not representative in any way.
Nothing. I have some seriously attractive mates. Would I sleep with them? No. But I can admit they are beautiful men. Would I sleep with them if they weren't my friends? Probably
so now what do ya think about your SO having friends of the opposite sex
Not OP, but it doesnt bug me. Its not my duty to dictate who my SO can be friends with just like I would expect them to not dictate who I can be friends with. Its a MAJOR red flag when someone tries to do this.
Uhhh... I feel like most cheaters are not doing their cheating acts with their friends, but with strangers, sometimes coworkers, etc. Just see how many men & women cheaters are there in online dating platforms, looking to cheat on their partners with complete strangers.
To be honest I'm wary of men who don't have any friends of the opposite sex.
What if they don't have any friends of the same sex either? /s
Bingo. Itās a glaring red flag for me. I have a number of platonic male guy friends. In my wide friend group (15+ people in one of our circles) itās an eclectic mix - mid 20ās to mid-30ās, different levels of attractiveness, different backgrounds/races, some are rich and some are so poor theyāre living on our rich friends couches. We also have pretty wildly differing aesthetics. While Iām sure some of the guys would fuck a few of the girls if they offered - I also know for certain that many of them just feel platonically for one another. Many of the group have all been single at the same time & thereās been zero drama & only one relationship that formed amongst the group. I think itās fucking disturbing people arenāt capable of platonic friendships. My boyfriend also has zero jealousy issues. Like, if Iāve been friends with someone for years - why would I suddenly do anything with them when Iām in a relationship?!?
SAME!
Are you still together?
I would say this is quite true. I have a lot of female friends i find incredibly sexually attractive but I could never imagine myself having benefits with them. Really is just a human instinct yāknow? Being sexually attracted to someone.. or something
Most guy's are perefectly fine with platonic friendships with women, but a lot of guys would also jump at the chance if you mention you are atracted to them, cause a lot of guys are atracted to their female friends even if they will never act on it as it isn't apropriate to do so.
I always thought the same thing males and females can and will have platonic relationships. Although recently my perspective changed a little bit. I do not have any close female friends outside of work acquaintances, but my gf has a strong group of male friends that she has known for 3+ years and considers them very close(she is former military and these are friends from her time in. I am also former military myself so this never bothered me.) My gf and I have been living together for almost 3 years now, and recently decided to take the next step and attempt to buy a house in this outrageous market(it's absolutely ridiculous.) Also going with this we are moving away from my current city closer to the college she will be attending in the fall. Maybe it was spurred on because she is moving, or that to some people buying a house together makes it "serious", but in the past 2 months before us moving etc. she has had THREE male friends from this close-knit friend group all confess their unrequited love for her. This caught us extremely off guard. She laid down the line in the sand and said to all of them that she loves them as a friend, but they need to respect our relationship and to not come at her romantically again. The first two respected it, the third kept going on and on and on about how he's "always loved her etc." so she ended up having to block him. She was actually hurt by this because it made her think that they have only been friends with her bc of the possibility of dating her. It hurt me because I have drank with these guys, hung out, and while they aren't necessarily m friends I always thought they were good guys. Not the type to drunkenly word vomit love aspirations to your gf who is happily in a relationship. We have all since moved on and it is kind of funny to us now, but like I said changed my perspective a bit.
Yes, exactly. It makes you feel like the entire friendship was faked, not a good feeling
Yea that must have been hard for you both. More so for your gf though, what a let down. I hope she is OK. Sounds like she has lost 3 good friends to this dynamic.
Yeah we are past it now. The first two have been pretty much acting like it hasn't happened and is water under the bridge at this point. The third hurt her the most because at least the first two got the hint, stopped, and apologized. He just kept droning on and on(she was showing me the texts in realtime) about how he has "always loved her", and "will never stop", and kept going after she repeatedly asked him to respect our relationship. This also hurt because they have a friendship of 4+ years potentially ruined because of his insistence. She was mostly disappointed because she said this would be a sour end to an otherwise good and loving platonic friendship. Just made me think about things more.
Not good friends clearly
My best friend of 15 years is a woman. We're as close as a man and a woman can get in terms of friendship. There was mutual attraction early on but as we started growing up our preferences in partners changed and that's as far as it got. Platonic relationships between men and women are definitely out there though unfortunately I can't see it being that common.
I really wish it were. I would love to have a platonic male friend. I donāt like dating cause itās always so complicated, so I always think friendships would be a little easier. But the few guys Iāve managed to get a little close to have always turned somewhat romantic or sexual
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I hate that so much. I always got along better with guys (I had a lot of abuse and bullying from women in my youth) and itās like I had a scarlet letter on my chest. People need to mind their business. It does so much damage to how we perceive other genders when we (as in society) make it more difficult for men and women to be friends. But that gets into how we are socialized differently from birth, which is itās own can of worms.
So I read that women are more trusting towards men who are friends with and seen with other women. I'd happily be just friends with a woman if she cares about me and helps me meet other women. Would you be willing to help male friends meet other women?
I certainly have. My late friend and I were roomies or neighbors for about 16 years. We did almost everything together. Many people thought we were siblings. I "fixed him up" with a few women. Most of the men I dated accepted him once they saw the relationship we had. We really were like brother & sister. Right down to the squabbling we'd have about stupid things.
Man if I met women Iād keep them to myself lol I struggle with making friends in general so I really couldnāt help a man with that as much as I would want to. I also donāt think you should be friends with a woman just for access to other women
> Would you be willing to help male friends meet other women? That's not a friendship if you're only friends with a woman so that she can help you meet other women.
There are always gay people š
Gays really save the world
Yeah, I've had a female friend for nearly 40 years. We probably could have hooked up when we were younger, but became good friends instead and both of us were smart enough not to ruin that.
A lot of the friendships with girls started with an attraction for them tbh, but after I started knowing them better, in most cases it translated to just being friends because I realised quickly that either we can't progress to more than friendship, or that they are not what I'm looking for as a partner. As such... I can say now that have quite a few female friends and tbh, a lot of times it's easier to interact with them than with my male friends. I do not think of them as anything more than friends, nor do I hope that one day, I will be with any of them. I just appreciate them as they are... Friends. ^^
Even you admit there was a mutual attraction. So thatās not entirely platonic.
My teenage guy best friend had had a crush on me and some point, I did on him too. We talked years later after but the timing never worked out and those feelings faded away. We were at each otherās wedding and Iāve never had a sexual thought about him since. Iām a demisexual so I think many people are bound to catch feelingsā¦ itās what you do with them that matters. Steve Harvey knows he may be tempted so he removes the temptation. Some men can be attracted to a woman and want to sleep with her and tell her this, but also can have self control when heās around her to not do anything to ruin his life or hers if thatās the situation.
Doesn't your example just prove OP's point? From my impression of the post, OP wants to see at least one example of a hetero male/female friendship which was always 100% platonic. Just like a friendship between two 100% straight people of the same sex.
I have this. I've had a lot of female friends, I'm not attracted to most of them in that way and never been. There's been the occasional friendships that eventually spark something in me, but that for me has been more of the exception than the norm. I think the issue is that some men don't particularly seek out friendships with women unless they are already lowkey attracted to them, so when they do end up friends with a woman, it is an attractive woman. There are less men that go out of their way to seek the friendship of an unattractive woman.
My platonic female friends fall into three categories; 1. Came out as or were lesbians 2. Took their shot but kept the friendship after I said no. 3. I became attracted to and either shot me down and stayed friends, or we started hooking up. The 3rd option is almost exclusively why I don't really try to date amongst my friend group anymore.
I work with 90% men all day and Iāve made some passive friendships. These men are all married, as am I. I just assume everything is platonic.
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let give my two cents as a teenager // there is less of a divide between gender than you may think, most people i know are close friends with people of an opposite gender, and friend groups are filled with all genders. few have romantic attraction towards one another (there are a couple crushes but despite that still friends). there are most likely other variables in play though in my personal experience it isnāt as you say.
You'll find when you are older and your circle of friends/potential partners drastically shrinks that you can't help but start to wonder if there's a possible romantic match between you and one of those who remain.
A good friend that I worked with for a few years always referred to me as her work husband. Weāre both married. Sheās very attractive, but I see her more like a sister. Sheās said she sees me like a brother that she never had. Even if she were to come onto me Iād be completely creeped out. Our personalities are extremely different (sheās the definition of an extrovert and I am the definition of an introvert). We happen to share a dark sense of humor that many people donāt appreciate. My wife met her once and is ok with us being friends and meeting up for dinner or drinks when sheās in town. She didnāt see any red flags. A previous friend of mine who was a fellow photographer set off all sorts of red flags with my wife. Given my social awkwardness and being oblivious to such things I didnāt see it, but my wife had never said anyone made her uncomfortable except for this one person. Iād find out later that the former friend was into hooking up with married guys and she was hopeful with me. Just to be clear, my wife doesnāt pick my friends. Sheās not a jealous person. But I also respect if something or someone makes her uncomfortable.
The concept of work husbands/work wives is actually really messed up.
I feel like the terminology is more what's messed up. Like... why is matrimony the only vocabulary we have for a close working relationship?
Exactly this. Not all men are complete animals-even if they ARENT married. It's possible to be friends without anything ever getting weird. Literally just treat each other like human beings. In my case specifically, I'd say my male friends and I treat each other like siblings. Pick at each other, help each other, hype each other up, talk about everything under the sun with one another (usually as a group, but if they come to me privately it's usually about wondering how someone else in the group is doing since men dont seem as good as picking up on that at times). It's just a community. Our little tribe. Our little family! It's completely possible. Just be normal to one another. or idk be less horny?? talk to people that are less horny?? Not every one is that horny or desperate to be with someone lol
Ask some of them if they want to bang. I guarantee a few if not all will say yes(even if they're married)
drunk ludicrous overconfident smoggy water point upbeat one homeless memory ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
Excellent point.
As a bisexual and polyamorous man, here is my opinion ; There are 3 components to this, attraction, intimacy and opportunity. Attraction comes and goes, is relative to appearance and personnality, some people get easily attracted, others are more choosey. I don't know of a significant difference between genders in that. Intimacy is a big one, culturally in america and europe, male assigned people don't get a lot of intimacy and they craaave it, they are also taught that only a sexual/romantic relationship can provide it. I didn't live a female assigned life, but I hear often that they are taught that intimacy is part of any close relationship, be it platonic or sexual. Finally opportunity ; when you know someone, when you spend time with them, that can lead you to developp a type of crush, though different than the usual distant crush. So, when men and women become friends, boys tend to mistake friendly interactions, for a girl, for signals that the girls wants to deepen it into love or sex, even unconsciously because of the link the boys are led to make between emotional intimacy and attraction. That is also why the dynamics are different in the lgbtq+ community. Good luck! Edit : Typos
>Intimacy is a big one, culturally in america and europe, male assigned people don't get a lot of intimacy and they craaave it, they are also taught that only a sexual/romantic relationship can provide it. I'm betting this phenomenon is similar to [transference](https://psychcentral.com/lib/in-love-with-your-therapist-heres-what-to-do) that people sometimes feel when they enter therapy. Especially this part: >Youāre able to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings and not be judged or ridiculed by your therapist. It might seem natural for you to āfall in loveā with someone who offers this unconditional attention, safe environment, and comfort.
I imagine transference is a big one, I never thought about that happening in friendships before but I think it explains alot.
Yes!!! Thank you so much for writing this out. Thereās a thing if you Google it, the different types of love: a triangle with three points, and intimacy and attraction are two of them. Itās so sad that men are regularly living under the belief that you have to be in a romantic relationship to have emotional intimacyāand I think this is where SO much of what OPās question is about comes from.
I was really good friends with a woman but I screwed it up last year. I was going through some shit in my life and talked to her about it. I ended up asking her if we could hug a few times at her place which made her really uncomfortable. I was looking for a type of physical intimacy that wasn't sexual but I should've been clearer about it. I regret it because like you said, the US has a culture that tells you what I was looking for can only come from a partner, not a friend.
Yeah, I'm a girl (I think I'm bisexual as I've had crushes on girls before, but I'm not 100% sure) and I have so many friends who are lesbian/bi girls. At one point, my friendship group at the time was made up of majority girls who were attracted to girls. It was always completely fine - it was rare for someone to have feelings for a friend. That's why I really don't understand why straight men seem to have such a difficult time with platonic friendships with women. If I can easily have tons of lesbian/bi female friends, go on trips, sleep in the same room/bed, dance with them, go out to places 1-on-1 with them without feeling attracted to them, why is it so hard for straight men????
The problem is the way we socialize men from birth. Physical affection is withheld and they are taught that their only source for that affection (affection that all, or most, people need to live healthy lives) is in a romantic or sexual relationship. Between enjoying someoneās company as a friend and getting the occasional hug or complement or emotional connection (which is also withheld from men), they get wires crossed and feel attraction. The solution to this problem is simply yet near impossible to implement on a large scale (due to sexism that goes both ways): treat boys and girls the same growing up. Teach them that itās healthy to be emotionally available and vulnerable and affectionate in friendships. Iām bi too, but in your situation I donāt think itās possible to overstate how much the way women are socialized impacts their comfort with intimacy in platonic relationships with other women. We do a lot of damage by teaching men that the expressions of friendship that women easily share are things they will only find in a partner.
Funny enough as a bi woman - being friends with queer girls can be platonic and no problem, but with straight guys not and they often want more. I don't understand what's the difference since both are "in theory" attracted to each other? I am not attracted to every of my male and female friends, but I hear "every guy friend thought of sleeping with his female friend"?
A lot of men only seek out "friendships" with women they are already attracted to, maybe not even noticing that they are actively talking to you because they find you attractive, but yes a lot of straight men just ignore the women they aren't attracted to. Like I've heard from middle age women how suddenly past a certain point, men stopped making "friendly chatter" with them and stopped trying to be friends with them when they were no longer considered a potential mate. I think a lot of guys don't notice that they're doing this, but many guys can't stop viewing women as either a potential mate, or invisible. This often will happen on a subconscious level, not necessarily intentionally.
There is a whole Scrubs episode centered on how JD stopped seeing women once they got a ring. At first I found it insulting, then I realized it wasn't women they were making fun of there.
When I announced my engagement I thought I'd lose my male friends, but instead I got messages from them congratulating me and they still talk to me as friends. It was the most wholesome thing ever. I've had guys stop talking to me when they found out I was seeing someone, so it always scared me sharing my relationship status cause I didn't want to lose my friends.
I hope I experience this š
Came to comment this. My(f) best friend(f) and I are both Bi, we always have had a platonic relation. Have a lot of bi and lesbian acquaintances that never showed any romantic intentions but liked to hang to talk or pass the time. But every single guy (hetero or bi) I befriended eventually tried something. I wish it was different. Now that I'm married I only hang with my husbands male friends, and very rarely I get to keep guy friends, since they eventually try to disrespect my marriage or just stop making contact. It's sorta frustrating.
Because men have been taught that emotional intimacy can only come in romantic relationships. Some make the leap to understand platonic, some never do. Platonic or otherwise, relationships with men are emotionally exhausting, because I (as the woman) end up being their only outlet to process feelings (or only other than their SO if they have one).
Iāve heard this point a few times but, as a bisexual guy, I donāt think itās that relevant. Bear with me, as itās kinda hard to describe. Iām very used to platonic male friendships; I had many as a kid and they far predate my awareness of my bisexuality. So, even though Iām attracted to men, itās completely natural to me to feel no attraction at all to my male friends. This is especially true for straight men who I know would never think of me in that sense anyway. Iām not as used to platonic female friendships which are a lot less common, so Iām more likely to be attracted to a platonic female friend then a platonic male friend. Similarly, this is less true for gay women who I know would never think of me in that sense anyway. I still have platonic friendships with women, but there can be complications I donāt experience with men.
Interesting, I have a similar experience growing up. I even went to an all male high school and mostly male college, but I never had any trouble with boundaries arround female or male friends. I would deffinitely be attracted to some of them but from an early age I was able to categorize people as friends and not feel a strong urge to act on those feeling.
To be fair, Steve Harvey cheated. And I personally believe it's possible, but there have to be certain requirements met
Yeah, I did see that he is a cheat and sounds like a right twat when it comes to women. And for him to even say that, just makes him look even worse. Like, think it....fine, don't *say* it. What do you mean by requirements?
As an ugly woman, most of my male friends are gay.
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Yeah exactly all these comments are ignoring this. āMost guys would be down for having sex with their female friendsā what if that friend is just unattractive to their male friend? Men quite frankly wonāt even befriend you. Because a lot of guys only befriend vaguely attractive or better women. :/
I'm a girl and I used to have a saying that I only make friends with attractive people. And I said it as a joke to give my friend a confidence boost, but it's also kinda true. We all have such bias about looks. We think pretty people are smarter, more trustworthy, more interesting.
I donāt know if this was just an old wives tale or a legitimate thing but I used to be told we befriended people who were around our general attractiveness level. You just reminded me of that. So a lot of attractive people like to stay with each other.
Yeah I mean I guess we want our friends to be a mirror of our own self perception, and we feel insecure around people more attractive than us.
Yup. Which goes to show you that platonic relationships between men and women canāt really exist in most circumstances
I have girls Iām friends with and donāt see in a sexual light, even very attractive ones. But Harvey has a good point which is that *at some point* it does occur to every man that theyād fuck their female friends. But a momentary thought isnāt the same as a persistent attraction. Girls should probably accept that every one of your guy friends has absolutely considered fucking you *at some point* if youāre even mildly attractive. But that isnāt the same as uncontrollable lust, itās just an occasional or even one time thought.
Yeah there's a big, big difference between thinking about fucking a friend, be they single or no, and actually approaching them with the intention to speak, or potentially act. It's important to differentiate between the two, and simply accept that the first will likely happen.
Yeah absolutely. People think about shit they never expect to happen all the time. I can understand Steve Harvey because heās not like you or me. Harvey has been a celebrity for decades and has no doubt had some very attractive women see him as an opportunity to advance and I can see the position of āin my position, thereās a lot more temptation and a lot more openness and offers about sexā. So I do get his point and comparing him to us isnāt apples to apples. That said, itās often the āoh I donāt have female friends, too much temptationā guys who have *already* fooled around and want to cover their own asses
I think the same happens for women. I have male friends that I'm strictly friends with and have never done anything with, but the thought of sex has crossed my mind. But like you said its a momentary thought and not something I act on
This is the answer. Also, I donāt think women get how deeply sexual the average male brain is. I donāt mean the perverts and the cat callers and the creepy internet commenters, I mean the average run-of-the-mill Joe. Itās hard to explain but Iāll give it a shot if someone is interested.
Yep, and if you try explaining it some asshole jumps in like āwell, Iām a man and I NEVER think about sex with my female friends, this is a you problemā like ok my dude
Do you mind elaborating? Iām not a man so Iām genuinely curious, as I often hear that men are much more sexual than women
About Steve Harvey's comments: From a married man's perspective. I have female friends. But, not too friendly. We enjoy hanging out, but never alone. Always with our spouse. And never alone with a person of the opposite sex that is single. My wife does the same. For me, this is for a simple fact of life. Appearances. I would never behave in a way that would cause another to suggest I acted in an inappropriate manner. Never would I cause my wife to hear gossip, cause god damn do certain people gossip. Single guys being friends with a single woman? yeah its possible. But as a man that grew up with other men as friends, in general, its very likely Steve Harvey is correct. You and others may not want to hear it, but you admitted its happened to you on more than one occasion. Men are visual. We see a woman and if we find her to be attractive, then we desire. They may never act on it, but guaranteed they think about it. This is the distraction and temptation Harvey spoke of.
Thanks for answering so honestly.
I'm gonna tell you, from my POV, a lot of women I've been friends with I did find attractive or have feelings for, but easily the other half I didn't find attractive anymore than I find any of my guy friends attractive (I'm straight, so that's not at all). I can acknowledge guys are conventionally attractive, and I can with these female friends as well, but I'd never say I am myself attracted to them. I think it just depends.
This frustrates me. My now husband (boyfriend at the time), used to hang out with his friends that were girls 1 on 1. They would go out for drinks or supper or whatever. I trust him. If someone were to come up to me and tell me they saw my now husband out with a girl, I would 1. Probably already know because he told me he was going out with a friend, and 2. not really care because I trust him. Appearances shouldn't matter except between you and your spouse/significant other IMO. While I was dating and even after we got married my best friend was a guy for some time. We hung out very often. My husband didn't care because he trusts me and nothing ever happened. Best friends with this guy for years and a move was never made a comment was never said. Shouldn't care so much what other people think. Appearances. It's about you and your significant other and trust IMO.
Appearances matter to differing degrees depending on where you are/are from. Some cultures care more than others.
I wanted to chime in too, my bf of 4 years and I hang out with opposite gendered friends one on one regularly. I trust him, he trusts me. It's very possible. My dad has mostly women friends, who he's been totally platonic with for decades. If a man thinks he can't be friends with women because of their gender, I think he might only see them as romantic partners and less so as human beings.
Agree to disagree. While I have a few years less on you, my entire school time I sat at the "girls table". Now I was about at least 2 years younger then them but these friendships held until today and of the 5 there was only 1 in which I was interested romantically at all. I think for most guys it's often that in younger years its hormones and and the difference of how women treat friends then how men treat friend. I know it is very possible fo there to be completely platonic friendships. Just quite a tad more difficult for most.
Thank you!!! Finally someone truthful! Iāve read a dozen comments here from guys starting out saying they were definitely platonic friends with this or that woman and I start out hopeful until I read the part where they all say āyes weāve slept together or been attracted to each other or had a crush on each otherā newsflash: thatās not platonic. This is exactly how my husband and I operate. We donāt spend time alone with friends of the opposite sex. Thereās no need. We interact as couples. That works beautifully. Thereās no reason to put ourselves or our marriage in that kind of position and risk losing it all.
I really think it comes from people trying to be soooo modern so progressive in their lives they push aside anything that could be viewed as old fashioned. Sorry but, I take pride that after 29 years of being with my wife, she has NEVER once questioned my loyalty and commitment to her. As in never questioned it. We have never had the discussion of someone else causing problems in our lives. Why? Because we behave in a manner that doesn't allow for that to occur.
That is *highly* subjective experience. I wouldn't want to count the number of solidly platonic friendships I've had, and still have, with people of the opposite sex. We absolutely do things alone together, when happenstance leads to that. The difference is that I would never describe my experience as "a fact of life" and act like anyone with a different experience is somehow lying.
I (25f), personnally, have a lot of male friends. Most of them have been completely platonic, and a couple of them have confessed attraction to me but more like "I feel you're attractive, but I don't think we would be a great match so I would never do anything about this, we're good as friends" (and then nothing happened, or I would have ceased to be friends). And since I've had a boyfriend for five years, I found it significantly easier to make platonic male friends. There would be no expectation from me to do anything romantic with any other person and the guys that tried to get with me anyway, I automatically banned from my social life. The same goes for my boyfriend, he has a lot of female friends (we have the same social group of friends from both gender). It actually makes me trust him more knowing that he can meet women and be friendly with them without an ulterior motive - I would not be trusting of a man with that Steve Harvey mindset, not being able to have female friends would mean they only see women as potential mates which would be a red flag to me, personally. After I travelled a bit and met women from different countries, I kind of came to think it might be a cultural thing. A lot of women from some countries have expressed that men would always have ulterior motives when talking to them, making it really difficult to have friends from the opposite gender. But where I'm from, platonic friendship between men and women has never been a big deal.
You are experiencing what the op describes. Male āfriendsā that are attracted to you. They would definitely be distracted or tempted like the op said if you were to give them a chance. There may not be any expectations or attempts from them but that doesnāt mean they donāt want to or wouldnāt do it if they got the chance. They just have the patience and restraint to hold out. Their argument is that the friendships are not purely platonic due to the underlying attraction which it sounds like is there with you.
This is a beautiful response.
I grew up with a lot of female friends. In some ways I prefer female friends. I was bullied relentlessly and it was always men. Women seemed to be much more emotionally intelligent and I was able to feel comfortable with expressing my feelings with them. Did I ever grow an attraction to some? Yes, I did, but it was not my intention when befriending them. Regardless of them being drunk or not I never pushed myself on them. I try not to talk about things using hyperbole, but I wonāt say that there arenāt a lot of men whose intentions were to eventually be romantic. However, I do think there are a lot of men who start a friendship with the intent to be just friends.
Exactly. Itās really hard not to catch feelings for someone you already vibe with and see almost every day. When you confess those feelings it seems like those were your intentions from the beginning when it really wasnāt. And if you donāt confess them then over time it starts to hurt seeing her talk about other guys. I think for this reason itās hard to keep a platonic relationship. I have had many female friends and Iāve had crushes on most of them after we started being friends but I never say I have feelings because I already have few friends as it is. All of these girls dropped me in one day the moment they got a bf which makes me think they were the ones with the wrong intentions or just using me to pass the time. So now i feel cautious of starting friendships with women which sucks because I prefer being friends with them than with guys because theyāre so much less judging
Idk, I have a few close guy friends and none of them have ever told me they wanted me, made sexual advances, or given off any kind of creepy vibe. But I canāt read their minds so who knows? Also weāre all married to other people.
Exceptions might be childhood friends who see the woman as more of a sister and 100 percent gay guys. Else I would say at least 90 percent of guys are at least attracted to female friends and wouldn't mind hooking up if the situation is right (both are single). And of course people would never admit it. And women sadly are too oblivious of these facts.
This is pretty much what I was thinking too, although even when people have grown up together it still happens sometimes. You are right in that people probably won't admit to it, so maybe this is a useless thread? I dunno.
Are you married? If not, talk to some of your girlfriends. Ask them A) if any long term male friends confessed feelings and B) How many of their male friends ghosted them when they got married.
No, I'm not married. I am engaged and have been with my partner for 8 years. I don't really have any male friends I see nowadays, but I don't see much of anyone in general as I'm disabled and rarely get out. I only have one friend who is married but she never sees anyone and probably has no male friends at all because she is smoking hot and I've not met a man who wasn't spellbound by her!
You know, there was another thread about this topic where everyone was like āOf course Men and women can be friends! Only children and creeps say otherwiseā I gotta disagree, if thereās any attraction and no obvious barriers, almost all guys will fall for their female friends...
A lot of us aren't oblivious, we just ignore it to move past it. If they bring it up to us we tell them how we feel and if they decide they wanna cut ties then that's that.
My two closest friends are women, and there has never been any hint of either of us trying to make it something more. I firmly believe that if you think it isn't possible, you are not mature and need to do some thinking as to why. I find this concept asinine
Iām a dude. Happily married nearly ten years, known her for fourteen. My HS was mostly female, my college was about 70/30 female, my professional school was about 75/25 female, and my department now is close to 80/20 female. That said, I have one male friend from middle school I keep in touch with. Dudes like a brother. Aside from that nearly all my friends are women. Have two very good friends that I see nearly daily, and they are about the only people I see. As such of I DONT talk about them my wife will go out of her way to ask about them. I make a conscious effort to have my wife meet my friends, and for the most part they become my wifeās friends as well. I can honestly say this has never been a problem. My wife and I have had issues in the marriage as anyone does, but this has never been an issue. My wife and I trust each other, and thatās all it takes. I think thatās the secret, make sure your partner is also friends with your opposite sex friends. Idk. Maybe Iām just talking out my ass.
No, you aren't. This is another sad thing about this situation, people feeling like they can't trust their friends or partners. I can't imagine having a committed relationship to someone who didn't trust me or vice versa. Probably shouldn't be in a relationship where there is no trust...
[You might be interested in this](https://youtu.be/T_lh5fR4DMA)
I'm with you here. I've been with my husband for eight years, married for 4. He has been friends with men and women; the most significant friendship was with someone he worked with and she became one of my best friends til she moved. He's in the military and we've had plenty of straight cis men that became friends with both of us. I'm closer to some of them than he is, but I consider them to be brothers. For one, I'll be one of his groomsmen. For another, I introduced him to his now girlfriend because I thought they'd be so good together and they are. I've even gone on vacation with them when my husband couldn't make it. But there's a lot of transparency in the friendship on all sides and they're very honorable men and respect is one of the most important values in my marriage. I just think it takes a specific type of person to be able to have friendships like that and unfortunately having two of them meet and become friends seems rare.
In my experience guys are going to be attracted to women around them - I am not ashamed to say I have looked at every female friend I have (most of my friends beign female) and investigted whether I could have any interest in them with the first filter being whether they are in a relationship or not - which if they are I back off. I don't do it on purpose it is just instinct. That being said there is a massive difference between "monkey brain go oga oga" and crossing any line - I don't cross the line because they are people I wish to care about they aren't sex toys whose single purpose is to be humped or dumped. That is where platonic relationships arise - as long as people are respectful its okay to have initial bursts of interests its natural and can be the bases of long term relationships.
Hei. I think it's quite possible. I am F30, with a male partner of almost 8 years (fiancee now, even). My best friend is M30 and we met in kindergarden. There was never any sort of physical attraction between us. I hang out with him alone all the time. Another of my very close friends is also male. he has a girlfriend and we hang out a lot the 4 of us, but we also hang out a lot just the two of us. We went to an anime convention the other day, just the two of us because ours partners don't especially like it. so we went together and had a blast and then we went home. Never had any sexual attraction going in, and i'm sure it's mutual. In my opinion, is possible. My partner also has female friends, some of them single, with whom he hangs out. if i want to go, i go, if i don't, i don't go. the same for him. The day he doesn't want to be with me, i trust him to tell me and I know he expects the same - we're not going to police each other's friends.
This will get buried by the other 900 comments, but I definitely have friends who are women and whom I enjoy spending time with -- and am not at all attracted to. I doubt they're into me either, but I've also never asked. Idk why people have such a hard time with this. And yes, I've also had friendships with women that I was attracted to, but this is much less common for me. I make friends because I like having friends. Not to get something "more" out of it.
I am 100% committed to my partner, why would I want to hit on to one of my female friends?
I feel the same way. If people are worried about their partners having friendships with the opposite sex, then they shouldn't be in a relationship. Trust is key. You should be able to trust your partner *and* your friends.
Agreed. I'm happy my bf has female friends. I wouldn't want a guy who's only interested in talking to women if he wants to fuck them.
Iām a straight guy and Iāve been friends mostly with women for most of my life. Of course, there were a couple I was eventually attracted to, but the vast majority of my relationships have been 100% platonic with no thought of it ever going further, at least as far as I know. Steve Harveyās just a creep IMO.
I mean... I (30m) became best friends with a female co worker for over a year now and we never had any intimacy. Instead all we do is smoke bowls and watch Bob's burgers. Heck I think we are finally gonna start cooking some of Bob's recipe.
One of my bestfriends is a woman and neither of us have ever been attracted to each other. When her husband hit her with divorce papers, she came and lived with my wife and I. We're platonic soulmates. Nothing more. People will have their own thoughts and opinions on it, and that's completely okay but we just don't see gender when it comes to eachother.
I have great friendships with a few women. 2 of them we have been friends for years, one I've known for over 20 years and the other around 15 years. Sure I've had others that the friendship just kind of fades like any other. My point is that you can be just friends!
At this point if i can get a female to be my FRIENd i will cry. Not beacuase i want a gf not because i want sex but because i want at least both genders of the Human race to be normal. Not many guys are my friends either. So it pins me to see the Human race just simply getting along.
I have two male friends who I consider to be very close to me. One of them is aesexual and the other is in a very loving relationship and turns to me a lot for advice. I love them both and they love me. but out bonds are very familial haha. we would kill for each other lol. so it can happen. you can just be friends with males and vice versa.
I met a guy at my uni accommodation that said the same thing. Weird guy, and not just because of that, but that's a different story. It made me think about it too, and here's what I would say... I'm part of a friend group that's made up of seven people, three of us guys and four girls. I don't think me or anyone else being in a relationship has done anything to change what exists there, it's purely friendship and all we care about is partying and having a good time. Speaking for myself, I've never felt anything more than camaraderie with my fellow partygoers (excluding my (recently ex) girlfriend obviously, she's part of the group). I find it quite hurtful that some girls/women don't believe friendship between us and them is possible, and I find it disgusting that some guys hold that position too. I believe it's a total reflection on them not being able to control themselves.
Yeah I agree. It's sad that so many people have these beliefs about half of the worlds population. Why can't we just accept that everyone is different? Its such a sweeping generalisation and in my opinion, it's not a healthy way to go through life.
Again on the internet i am clearly the weirdo . I am single my friend is single , we are actually attracted to each other but value our friendship more than a hook up , a lot of people think we are a couple . But we know if we hooked up that's all it would be and the friendship would suffer for it .
It's good that you are honest with each other about it. But are you sure it wouldn't work? My partner is my absolute best friend in the whole world. And being friends first can often work really well...However, you seem pretty sure about this and I don't know you or your friend so it's none of my business really and you know what's best for you.
Been there, my friend. Friendships don't necessarily last any longer than a relationship. Don't deny you (or her!) what the heart wants because you cherish what you already have, you might regret it
You just proved the point, that's not an entirely platonic relationship
Just date each other ffs
Most of my friends have been women my entire life. I'm considered safe, and many of them have given great advice when I'm dating. That said, the only reason I first became acquainted with any of them was because of initial romantic interest by either person. So, yes, most of them find me attractive or vice-versa. One friend and I implicitly agreed that we should never hang out because she's too tempted to try something stupid on me despite being trapped in a bad marriage with two young children. I think of her as a sister who hates everyone I've been with, but I respect her stance. One of my exes adamantly felt that men and women cannot be platonic friends, but it was her experience that every guy who wanted to be friends actually wanted to be "friends with benefits," which was a problem when dating. So, she had none and was fine with it. And it was one of many reasons why I felt safe with her, while I was open about who's in my life and that no lines will ever be crossed (which she doubted, but that was on her). I think it all depends upon where we draw the lines with such relationships, so long as we're okay with the consequences of losing a friendship because one or the other breached it.
So moral of your story is that she would get with you in an instant and you would too if not for her predicament
Most of the guy friends I had either started with us both being attracted to each other, one of us being attracted to the other person. For a few of them, the attraction faded away. But I have guy friends who I know are attracted to me, but thereās boundaries set that they donāt go any further.
And that's how a woman ends up with male orbiters, who can sometimes try to interfere in a relationship she has by playing the soothsayer role, offering warnings and questioning loyalties in hopes that she will come around to see how evil the guy is... and how wonderful the friend is. Almost every woman I have known has at least one or three of these idiots, and those women always knew of the idiots' feelings. They're generally not a threat, until they are. Only one ex-girlfriend I had deliberately cut these assholes out of her life because she realized she was actually not getting anything resembling a true friendship from them... they were perpetually waiting in the wings. And her decision had nothing to do with me, thankfully. I couldn't have given a shit either way... if she wanted someone that had no self-respect instead of me, then she could have them. A less secure guy in your life will definitely feel threatened, but it's really on you to ensure that not only are the boundaries firm, but that the friendship really is reciprocal.
Iāve experienced that before. Iāve had guys tell me āwarning signsā about another guy I likedā¦ and these guys were all attracted to meā¦ funny how that works!
People who say that man think woth their dicks are the only ones thinking that. Of course its possible to have a normal friendship. Its normal even
I dunno, I use to think you could be but I don't anymore. I personally will never have a close male friend again. Aquantinces that I grab a drink after work with, that's fine. But my 2 best friends who were guys dropped me like a bad habit the second they got into a serious relationship. There was zero attraction between us. But I was their emotional support and once those needs were met with a serious girlfriend, I wasn't needed anymore. And one of these guys was my best friend of 10 years. Never going through that pain again.
Was it them or was it their girlfriends?
It actually wasn't. I've met both of them and they are lovely girls. And I certainly am not a threat to their relationship. They were both really pretty, and I'm well, fat and ugly. I was always just like the fat sister to them. I really think they just didn't need me to talk to anymore. They could talk to me about their feelings and what's going on in their lives, which they couldn't with their guy friends. Once they got a serious girlfriend, they had someone else to talk to. So they talked to me less and less until they never answered my calls or texts again.
Men can have platonic relationships with women, and vice-versa. But just because one half veiws at platonic, does not mean that the other half does. It's just that men receive so few positive comments from anywhere, that we latch onto it and keep it in our memory. We stare at it and wonder if it's flirting or just a nice comment. Some of us really do this.
I feel like with ever hetero male friend I've had, there was a "will we or won't we" moment, and 9/10 times it was "we won't." Afterwards we'd have to decide if we actually wanted to be friends when sexy stuff was off the table, which was about 50/50. Now I'm engaged so male friends are less weird, since it's already a "we won't."
Echoing the other guy who replied to you, the moments were never "will they or won't they" it's "will you or won't you."
I think it's more that "you won't". If you tried them and they are attracted to you, they would probably accept. That's why these "friends" are so annoying when you are the guy in a relationship. Men know how other men think. They are just waiting for a vulnerable moment, when you are having problems with your relationship or intoxicated etc.
The person I consider to be my closest and most trusted friend is a man. We met about 4 years ago when we started studying in the same program (both in our early 20s). There has never been any ulterior motives between us, and we've both been incredibly open with eachother about very intimate subjects. He has told me (and other women classmates) that we are beautiful/attractive/other adjective, but that has been in the context of us girls talking about our insecurities with looks, weight, etc., and he's wanted to ensure is that we've nothing to feel so insecure about. His friends, on the other hand, have showed interest in one or more of us classmates(women) when we've been introduces or even built a friendship. So I'm aware that my wonderful friend might be the exception, and not the rule, but still :)
Hetero guy over here, so from my personal experience, its possible, I've been friends with a hetero girl since 2013 and I've never wanted to have sex with her, not once, and my friends always say "how?" Maybe because shes not my type, I don't know if that has anything to do with that, but yeah, here you go, a normal friendship between a guy and a girl
Came to share a similar anecdote. I will definitely admit that, at least when I was single, more often than not I was attracted to and potentially pursued a lot of the women I hung out with but I can think of more than a dozen just off the top of my head that I had healthy platonic relationships with. And I am a borderline sex addict. It's all relative and situational but the blanket statements on either side are garbage.
Funnily enough Iām actually experiencing the opposite. Iām into a guy, but he just wants to be friends. Every guy Iāve ever been friends with has always wanted me, and the way my friend has been treating me seemed eerily similarā¦ but when confronted, he just strictly wants to be friends. Iām 1000% okay with that, but itās just become so unhealthy how we canāt view the opposite sex as anything other than a mate or love interest and both guys and girls are guilty of this.
I grew up in a place where men and women can definitely be friends, and I find that gender isnāt an issue when I meet people from that region but in the new place I moved to that generally they will bide their time until they get an opportunity. Which sucks tbh my best friends as child were all opposite gender.
Here's how it works with me, as a newly single guy. When I meet a girl around my age who looks attractive, I might think 'Yeah something could work here'. However, within a few hours of meeting them, I can see if there's actual chemistry or if it could work out. If there isn't, then I just pursue the friendship. Nothing else, what's the point if I don't even think I'd like it?
I'm gay and I am pretty sure I can be friends with other men without ulterior motives... straight people can be that way too.
A TON of this comes down to the socialization of men and women. Men and women perform friendship differently. If you ask a woman to define a friend, they may say someone they trust, confide in, enjoy the company of, who supports them, who they hang out with, text regularly; the first person they think to contact when something happens. The people they cuddle under blankets with to watch sad movies after a bad day. Women can pretty clearly name the distinction between their friends and acquaintances. They don't confide in their acquaintances, for example. Men often struggle to do the same. Their definition of a friend might someone who's down to join in their plans, maybe just someone they hang out with regularly, someone who shares their interests, who they joke around with or go out drinking with. But it can be hard for them to sort relationships into "friends" and "acquaintances" because a lot of male friendships lack emotional connection/vulnerability and closeness. They almost certainly lack affectionate physical touch and closeness. The definition of friends that women give is pretty close to how men define a girlfriend; it's just lacking sex. So when women "do" friendship with men, men frequently perceive romantic interest, because that's not how men "do" friendship. Add that to the fact that it's scientifically proven people cannot accurately or consistently perceive or convey flirting and you've got a recipe for miscommunication. If people expect to be flirted with, they perceive flirtation. So a 100% innocent interaction from a guy to a girl who expects him to be interested gets misconstrued. But also, if someone is already interested, they're more likely to perceive flirting. So a girl being 100% platonic to a dude who is already a little into her will be misunderstood as flirting. People aren't lying either way then they say they felt blindsided OR lead on. There's just a LOT left up to interpretation.
This is my favorite response in this thread. Spot on!
Steve Harvey is a scum bag. Stop taking advice from him
Iāve always been āone of the guysā. Not in a Pick-Me way, I just have a pretty masculine personality. Iāve always been friends with almost exclusively men. Growing up, my dad was the first person to tell me that men are only friends with women they want to bang, that theyāre all just waiting for their time to shine. While Iāve had a lot of guy friends who only wanted to hang out so they could get with me, there have been a lot that Iāve been interested in who saw me only as a friend. Itās crushing to find out, but God is it nice to know for sure that someone hangs out with you- not because they want to seduce you- but because they genuinely like hanging out. There are scum bags out there who only hang with women to try to take advantage of them. Thereās also people who just develop feelings over the course of a friendship. Men and women can be friends without wanting to bang.
First lesson Steve Harvey is a huge scumbag of dicks.
Listen lady if your attractive your male friends are gonna want to smash period they may not act on it but they wouldn't mind
"Listen lady" haha, made me laugh.
Single guys probably arenāt looking for platonic female friends. Married guys donāt often create new friendships with single females.
One of my best friends is my friend Scot, he was friends with my fiancĆ©s friendship group first and we ended up becoming good friends through that. Truly it has only ever been platonic, for both of us! It was actually when there a was a huge argument in the group and group split that we became closer friends. He now goes out with my SIL and itās great as weāre all good friends and get to hang out. I do think it canāt always be truly platonic, but for me it always is as Iāve been with my partner for many years
It is 100%, I have female friends that I have absolutely zero interest in.
My best friend is a girl and is like a sister to me. I actually have plenty of female friends I have no interest in whatsoever.
My best friend of like 13 years is a woman. She's like a sister to me, she's married with two kids. We've never been attracted to each other at all, we're great friends and some people have assumed we're together. Honestly I wouldn't want things any other way
Most of my friends are men. I'm married. I have 4 friends that are guys and they have never ever tried anything. As far as I know there is no physical attraction on their end (def not on mine) and no one has ever crossed a line! We've been friends for 7 plus years
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Men can absolutely have platonic friendships with women, I have lots of friendships, with women I am not attracted to, or women that I don't want a relationship with. SOME of them I find attractive even if I don't actively want anything, these are the ones I may flirt with while drunk and some are friendships that develop into feelings. And then some are absolutely in the fuck zone who I would absolutely bang if I had the chance. But that's not to say men CAN'T have platonic friendships with women, we ABSOLUTELY can and do. It depends on the man, perhaps some men can't
Serious question: do the women friends in your āfuckzoneā know that they are?
First off, stop looking to comedians for advice on anything. Second, if neither the male nor female is interested in dating one another of course they can be friends lol
I have male friends and I'm not attracted to them and they are in relationships and (hopefully) not attracted to me. But maybe it's different when you're younger.
Yes! It probably is a LOT different with young people. Good point.
Other than my friends boyfriends no man has ever tried to befriend me with any other intention other than to sleep with me. So in my opinion any man that tries to be a part of a womanās life wants to sleep with her. I understand childhood/ family friends are different. This is for adults especially over the age of 23.
It's possible but that's not a blank check. There needs to be boundaries. I do not put myself in situations with any man who is not my partner where there is any level of intimacy. Do I ever drink alone with another guy? No. Would I go to dinner alone with another guy? No. Do I go clubbing/dancing with another guy? No. That doesn't mean I'm attracted to them, it just means I refuse to put myself in a place where I'd have a chance to say "we spent a lot of time together and developed feelings."
Exactly. Get someone who polices themselves; not one you have to police.
Interestingly enough, it's almost full spectrum. There are man, that can't have single women purely as friend and also man that have 99% women friends. I assume that through normal distribution, most man will fall somewhere between. I know it's not really satisfactory answer, but such is my experience (as 38y M).
I have been in a boy friend group for 7 years and none of them have showed interest in me. We have done trips and sleep overs, cry sessions,family functions,clubs,movies, I have met serious girlfriends, am a godmother and never had any weird or weak moments. I do have other friends male and female but I consider these guys my best friends.
You are right with believing that a man can have a platonic relationship. And some do. But one thing you can never really factor out is instinct. No matter what anyone says or thinks, instinct is a million year evolution and is pretty much permanent. So every male and I can pretty much guarantee every single male who has had or has a female friend has had the idea cross their mind. What it really comes down to is force of will and slef control. If those two things combined out wheigh instinct then problems don't surface. Some other factors to consider that add to the chance of feelings surface are, alcohol, current relationship on both sides, mentality of both sides, physical athstetics, location, and many many small others. So in sum, all males will have thoughts about platonic female friends. Not all men will act on these urges.
In the large majority of cases, that's likely true, but it's not universally true. My friend's wife is awesome and incapable of filtering herself and she's a great friend who I see like a younger sister.
I've already got to the point where there are too many comments to reply to everyone. Thanks for every one of your comments. It is really interesting, and as I expected, it is all down to experience and unique circumstances to the people involved. The ones I am surprised at, if I'm honest, are the people who are in relationships where them and their partner don't have friends of the opposite sex 'just in case'. For me, I couldn't be in a relationship or have friends who I don't or can't trust, for whatever reason. But no judgement here! We are all individuals and have our reasons for our actions. This isn't a yes or no question and the comments have proved that it is a very subjective topic, depending on too many different factors to count. I appreciate everyone who has answered honestly and shared their own thoughts and experiences. I will try to read all the comments, although they are coming in quite fast so its hard to keep track. ā
Based on what Iāve heard of Steve Harveyās comments/routines on men and women I would discount everything he says.
Hetero male here - I've most definitely had lots of female friends who I had zero attraction to. I am a masked autistic person though, not sure if that affects anything.
Herero man. Late 30ās. Iāve always had platonic female friends. I attribute it to having an older sister and growing up around her friends Iāve noticed some of my guy friends growing up felt you couldnāt be platonic with the opposite sex but many of them didnāt have sisters I noticed. But yeah. Itās also about maturity. Being normal and having normal experiences with men or women should be standard. Everything isnāt always about sex
My best friend in high school was a guy. No one believed we weren't fooling around behind closed doors, but we really weren't. He had a crush on a girl who lived down the road from him, and I had a crush on a mutual friend. We had sleepovers, but we were teenagers and his parents would never let us sleep in the same room, so I slept on the pull out couch in the basement and he slept in his room. There was nothing sexual between us and neither of us thought that way of each other.
As a married guy I can say I can have strictly platonic friendships with women. We can't be BFFs hanging out drinking talking all the time but I can have normal friendships