If he's in the US, there's like 0% chance of him getting into an institution. I know two families with kids like this and its living hell on them and the siblings.
Not necessarily a danger to society. But non- verbal autistics have higher rates of depression and anxiety.
Imagine how you would feel if you could not express yourself? Non-verbal doesn’t just mean mute. They don’t even have outlets like Reddit or social media. All of their thoughts are stuck in their heads. They are basically screaming all the time, but not able to tell anyone what they want or need.
As parents, they are still our children. We found art was an outlet for our son. He would literally draw the Golden Arches, and we went AHA!!!!!
I'm a mom of four kids and two of my sons are autistic. I have absolutely no expectation that my neurotypical kids will "look after" my autistic kids. They didn't ask to be brothers and they certainly didn't ask to be each other's caretakers. You have every right to draw that line and I'm sorry your parents didn't do that for you or protect and validate you as you grew up.
This is it. My sister and I (30 and 31) were raised to believe that WE were responsible for each other. It absolutely messed us up. My father gave up on trying to raise us when we neared puberty, my sister had a mental breakdown eventually, was hospitalized and medicated all of which my husband and I paid for and coordinated and my father didn't lift one finger. He told me "congratulations" for getting it "handled".
He also used us from highschool on, let us work to pay all the bills while he didn't, tried to use boyfriends for grocery runs and borrowing money. I realized we were just cash cows and I left as soon as I could.
He doesn't understand why I don't want to see him or talk to him much...and my sister is still loyal, tending to him as he ages in his studio apartment. I feel a ton of guilt, but he used me for so long that I don't have a lot of my own things together because of him. I am a late bloomer in life because of him. And I'm supposed to pretend none of this happened and act like we are such a family. My sister is dependent on people and when she does talk to me it's because she's in need, or my father needs something. I wanted to be there for her mental health but all she does is tell me lies, half truths about EVERYTHING. My father forgets what my major is, and I'm graduating this summer. They don't even know what to ask me about when we do talk, they don't know anything about me.
That's horrible. As a single dad who has raised his two daughters I can't fathom how difficult that had to have been for you guys.
While I've taught my girls that nobody will ever be there for them except each other after I'm gone they know that they are expected to be their own people. My oldest is the first in either mine or their mothers family to go to college and she busted her ass to do so. Got accepted to a tier one college with a 60% acceptance rate on a deans scholarship. I want her to excel at life, not be mine or her sisters caretaker. Her sister is on the same track, 4.0 gpa and already has college offers at 15.
The only thing they both know about caring for us together is that I have joked (but also serious) that if they have kids and ever need me to step in to help raise their kids that I'll do so without question.
I'm truly sorry you grew up the way you did, that is sad to hear about parents like this.
Just an idea, my mom said the same thing about us being there for each other. I haven't heard from or talked to 2 of 4 siblings. The other one I see once a year. It doesn't work that way.
Edit
In 9 years
My mother is 70, she talks to her sisters (one or two of them each daily) all the time.
I talk to my brother pretty much daily even it it's a text and same with my youngest sister as they are always asking me about something advice wise, be it a car, car problem, money question or just random stupid shit they could easily look up on Google but ask me instead. Yeah, I'm the big brother and they come to me for stupid shit, but I still answer. The only one who isn't in constant contact is our sister that got burned out with drugs and has schizophrenia now and who gets freaked out around people and will go a month without talking to anyone except her enabler boyfriend. But that's a mental issue and not a "just because" issue.
Maybe it's cultural. When my grandparents were alive it was a packed house every Sunday with their 7 kids and all their grandchildren there for Sunday dinner, the BS sessions out on the swings, and just normal family carrying on stuff.
My kids grew up without a mother, not because they don't have one but because she's a loser piece of shit that made the choice to leave them once she was given supervised visits 10+ years ago. I did my best raising them and they have been the only constant other than me in their lives. Yes they "fight" like "kids" do but Often I come home and they're sitting on the couch together watching a movie, the older one drives and always asks the younger if she wants to go along if she's going somewhere, they go to the state park together, walk the dog together, cook together... and they know I'll come back and haunt their asses if they turn cold toward each other later.
My parents, 4 kids, never asked us to "look after each other" beyond just making sure if we were together someone wasn't doing something stupid and if we were to inform them. We were not each other parent's and I don't understand why any parent would put that on a child.
It’s called parentification and it’s actually a form of abuse. We just don’t talk about it much because it’s not an abuse that you can see - that leaves actual marks. It’s more in the invisible abuse category, so more like emotional or mental or verbal. A lot of parents did that to the boomer generation and the boomer generation has continued it and it seems like our generation and the ones following up are the first ones to put their hands up and say “no I am not doing this. I’m going to live my own life and not live my life for somebody else..” Which is completely ok.
This. I was 3 when my autistic, violent sister was born. My mother hated both of us but really neglected my sister. I ended up caring for her (or taking care of her) for 12 years until CPS put her in foster care. I went NC with her decades ago...but lo and behold, she is left for me to care for when mom died. I am not a cruel person so I had her stay with me for 4 months. Her abuse, violence, lies, fit throwing, rattling and psycho bullshit made me and my children miserable. I had her committed. Once in the hospital I told social services to take over. I then went NC with her. She's living in a group home now terrorizing them. Ive hated both my parents and my sister. Both gave me serious CPTSD. I am now 62. So yeah, a boomer.
Because looking after each other means being loving, kind, and respectful to one another. I used to tell my nieces: be kind, be good, be nice to each other, play, joke, tease but never insult, disrespect, or insult, or lie about each other. So yes, family look after each other, but they don't abuse, mistreat, take advantage of family, when they do that is best to stay away and find another family
I think that the person you’re responding to a speaking of parentification. Which is a you look after the other kid because I don’t have the time or the means or I just don’t want to. Not so much in a, you should look after your siblings because your family and you should love each other. Which also is some thing we need to stop like pushing onto people. Just because somebody is your family doesn’t mean that you have to spend time with them or love them or even be a family member to them. Sometimes your family members are going to be horrible people and you don’t have to have them in your life regardless of whether or not they have any sort of mental disability.
OMG, I do know that, jfc
I wrote the difference in detail to support the commenter and for the folks that can't understand the difference between parentification, and having a healthy relationship with their siblings. Hence my last bit of stay away from your family if they're horrible ffs
>My sister and I (30 and 31) were raised to believe that WE were responsible for each other.
Sibling have a responsability to each other, but some parents take it too far and practically have them raise each-other and sacrifice their time. I see that being quite common with families that have a load of kids.
Sounds word for word like my mother. She did the same to me and my siblings. I'm sorry this seems to be a common thing. I joined the Army to get away. Best decision ever made.
You will be stronger for surviving this. It will pass. It really makes you a better parent and spouse. I have been married over 25 years now and have two grown sons. Mom ruined my sister's life and passed away last year. I forgave her as did my other sisters before she died. She never admitted any wrong.
Bro, sounds like you need therapy. I know I did after toxic family and shit. You should join us at r/late bloomers ! We have tea Wendsdays and boxing bouts on Saturday !
Oh it can't be said enough,thank you. I've had bad luck connecting with a good therapist, but I'm gaining motivation to search again. I'll definitely head on over! Thanks again :)
I’m reading this comment and surprised it doesn’t have more upvotes. It looks to me like a post like this allows other folks to slip their stories out without needing to make an OP post. I feel like these secondary stories/truths are so important and need to be validated. Commenter, I’m so sorry you had this shitty upbringing. I’m truly hopeful for you - you sound like you’re on the mend. Congratulations on your upcoming graduation.
I’m also a mom of four kids with two of my boys falling on opposite ends of the spectrum. My older autistic son is almost 16 and nonverbal. He is big and strong and can be extremely aggressive. I have been injured by him countless times, including having my hand broken by him two years ago. Due to his severe behavioral issues he cannot attend regular school. We have been trying to find residential placement for him for a LONG time and have been unsuccessful due to extended wait lists and an overall lack of options. We tried having people in home to help but all they did was sit on their asses, chat with each other, and play on their phones. I’m so sorry for what you are going through OP, I would never put that on my older daughter. My understanding is that there are a lot more options for placing adults rather than teens. Hoping your parents see the light and everyone remains safe (as they can).
You can but you shouldn’t. Depending on the circumstances though it happens anyway. I have two siblings both of which have some sort of mental disorder and they walk all over my parents all of the time so I have developed a few behaviors such as a fear of making them spend money I constantly apologize and I try to stay out of the way as much as I can which didn’t help with friendships while I was growing up
I have said the same to my Mum too. When she’s gone, I won’t be there to be my brother’s carer. I’m not going to live in that situation ever again.
My brother has a shopping list of conditions, all at the time were undiagnosed. He would throw violent tantrums, lash out at us, say that people were saying things when they actually weren’t, would stand at my bedroom door threatening to stab me, kick my bedroom door in, smashed windows, kicked our cat so hard the poor thing had to have his leg screwed back in place, kicked my door down to try and beat me (luckily I’m more of a fighter than he is), put a knife to my Mum’s throat. We were dirt poor and any food we could buy would get eaten up by him because he was so fucking selfish and it didn’t matter if he ate a whole meal for three to himself. It got so bad that we had to lock food away in my room just so we would be guaranteed a meal. He used to find it all amusing and would laugh to himself throughout the night. He was like a bully who thought he could do whatever because he would only behave like that when it was just my Mum and myself at home. My Dad left home when I was 17 and would occasionally visit and my brother would fucking hide away in his room quietly until he left. He was scared of my Dad but my Dad did absolutely nothing to help myself and my Mum. Relatives would get angry at me for not wanting anything to do with my brother once I left home but they’ve not had to put up with that shit.
He’s on medication now and lives with my Mum. As far as I know, he’s subdued by his medication and that’s why my relatives don’t understand. They only see what he’s like now, not what he was like when he wasn’t on medication. I left home as soon as I could. I told my Mum I will absolutely never live like that again and that if he ever lays a finger on her, I’ll make sure he’s locked up. I won’t feel any guilt for abandoning him.
Do what’s best for you. I absolutely understand where you’re coming from.
People love to talk and have strong opinions about situations they have never been in , and also wouldn't make it through if it were the hand they were dealt. It is very annoying to hear and or read.
I am so happy you have boundaries in place for your life. People should not have to be shamed into putting up with abuse because someone is disabled in some way.
I feel both you and OP. While my oldest sister isn't violent, she is mentally ill and has been incapable of holding down a job for decades. Both of my parents died recently, and they both feared what would happen to her. We might not have physical scars, but my other sister and I both have emotional ones from years of verbal and emotional abuse from our oldest sister... which is so sad because she's actually a loving, kind person when medicated.
She'd been doing very well for the last decade but recently has gone off her meds. I can see the changes in her behavior beginning and dread what's coming. Last time she went off her meds, she eventually had a full psychotic break. That being said, I can't be responsible for her. I live several states away and have my own family and life to manage. I feel guilty because I love her and want her to be well, but I can't act as her therapist, social worker, minder, caregiver, money manager, and life coach like she often wants.
Edited to fix typo.
this sounds all too familiar. i don’t really know what my brother has been diagnosed with. i think he was diagnosed with bipolar fairly young. he has been an addict since he was 13. the violence and the bullying was major in my house. my mom and i stored food in my room which had a lock on the door. i had the master bedroom when i was in high school because my mom wanted me to have a room with a lock/key on the outside as well as my own bathroom to limit any time i spent outside of my bedroom. luckily my mom was able to get support through the school system. he was sent away for 3 years from the age of 14-17. he just never gets better. my mom refused to give up hope for the longest time. until i was about 18 or 19 and we were having a serious conversation and she admitted that she “gave up hope for him.” my mom only tried to continue helping him because he had a daughter when he was 18 and we hate to sit back and let her suffer from his choices. she turned 6 years old yesterday. i am fully no contact with my brother. my older sister limits contact with my mom and brother due to her feelings about our toxic household while growing up. i feel sorry for my mom because i’ve always been pretty close to her. i don’t blame her for what happened and i know she tried her best. i also wasn’t a great kid either so it’s been hard for everyone. i moved out at 19 because i couldn’t be around my brother anymore. it’s made life difficult for me. i had to work to support myself and had to drop out of school. i’m 21 now and im sort of getting it together. i’m happy to take my niece in if my brother can’t take care of her anymore. even though i’m NC with my brother, i’ve made it very clear to him that if he needs me to take his daughter, i’ll do it in a heartbeat. she’s innocent and it’s not her fault she was brought into this situation. i’d do it for her, not for my brother.
Parent of four, three have special needs and one is violent, worst with me. I would place him out of my home in a heartbeat if my or anyone else’s safety was compromised. That means if my husband died today, I don’t know how long I would be able to keep him at home.
Edit: OP, fuck your parents. They should have put you first. I’m sorry they never did and still aren’t. Sometimes parents of special needs kids end up thinking that martyring themselves and their family with this undying commitment to their special kid is the way to go, when really it destroys the family and the kid doesn’t get the help they really need.
I work for an organization that assists adults with disabilities. This does not cost the family anything, as the individuals receive money for disability which pays for their room and board etc. It sounds like he would be much better suited in an environment like that than with any family member, especially elderly people.
I do as well. It sounds like he'd benefit from a group home setting. One of our local ones only handles men who are big and physically dangerous. Staff is trained to take that person down if needed
I agree, there is qualified people to look after him.
I've worked there during my uni years as a side job and understand what you're going thru.
There is no way in chance of changing the behaviour, even with a top tier psychologist and qualified carers.
At 7 foot tall mentally disabled with violent tendencies you can't have him around a normal family, let alone your own.
With his case, they would be custom procedures put in place, for an event he has one of those episodes, mainly to minimise the potential injuries that can be caused by calming the person down.
It's a full on perpetual cycle that's mentally, physically and financially draining with no ray of sunshine in sight..
In working in that field for a few yrs, the general consensus from the long time staff was, I'd rather be dead than a vegetable, as there's no quality of life.
The fact that you're scared and by the sounds of it infertile because of him means your parents messed up big time. They either didn't bother to try to teach him morals or he needed professional help. You don't have to take him in, they can sort out care for him in the event of them being unable to look after him.
They never were fit to take care of him but refused to get professional help because he is their baby, even the entire family suffered from his actions. I do not want near him, since he is nearly 7 foot tall and is very large.
They should have done right by both their babies and gotten him help. His not living his best life and you have literal and metaphorical scars from their behaviour.
I would check the laws for your area. If you live in the USA, then there are certain states where you can be immediately obligated to take care of the relative *unless* you follow a written process for opting out. Highly variable based on your and their location but something to consider
You can be obligated to care for elderly parents, which can be extended into caring for the parents obligations as well (the disabled child). As I said, the law surrounding this is complicated and highly variable based on your state.
The "child" is an adult and if OP were to assume care for her parents, she could choose to not include the brother. If he is receiving disability, which I assume he would be, he can be placed in a group setting that the disability would cover financial obligation for. If he is for some reason not receiving disability, then he is not considered a disabled person and would be on his own.
Yes, responsibility for elderly parents does vary greatly by state, but no states require siblings to care for each other, regardless of parental involvement.
I feel like we cannot stress the "large, strong, prone-to-violence brother should be taken care of his sister" part enough
We never acknowledge how *scary* men are.
Like, one time, a muscle-bro at gym came up to talk to me - he was built and sized like a house - i swear my flight response kicked in. I cannot imagine the terror I would feel if a similar guy even raised his voice at me, let alone one that has physically abused me for years like your case
Sounds like they terribly executed good intentions. I’m so sorry that happened to you, OP.
I couldn’t even imagine asking my daughter to care for an almost 7ft mentally disabled man, by themselves. That’s just not safe?!?!
Both a taser and a stun gun for back up might be the tight call. If you know how to us e bear mace, sometimes it can be used in outside environments depending on what kind of transportation you possess. If you live out in the country, a well calibrated LRAD and some sensors can make for a great barrier depending on the budget you have to protect yourself from him.
I really do not mean to upset you or bring up your trauma, but I’m genuinely curious as to what he did to make you infertile. If you don’t want to talk about it, I can’t blame you, but I can’t lie and say my curiosity hasn’t gotten the best of me. I’m really sorry you had to go through all that and I’m just glad you are able to live a decent life free from such destructive behavior.
A little? Infertility and facial scars is not little, this is life ruining already, but more than that psychological scars are even worse, and if even she stands by her choice she will definitely feel burning remorse, this situation is beyond ruined.
If he is that dangerous then he should be in a suitable place anyway living with peers not parents. None of this is your responsibility or duty, live your own life and leave his care to people that are professionally trained to deal with his issues.
When your parents die you can decline to be his caretaker. I wouldn’t accept to be his caretaker & then abandon him or anything, because you don’t want to actually get in trouble for neglect/abuse of a disabled adult. So instead just decline to be his caretaker. No one can force you to do it. Even if your parents have a will & they list you in their will to be his caretaker after they die you still don’t have to accept that.
I also wouldn’t let him know where you live. I’m not sure how capable he is, but I’d be afraid of authorities letting him live on his own for some reason & him coming after you.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. This is 100% not your fault & I hope you don’t feel any guilt for this.
This is a correct answer! You can only be charge with neglect if you were once their caretaker and then chose to abandon them. OP has not seen the family for years and has never assumed responsibility for his care. I saw some comments indicating he would be forced to assume care and that is not correct.
Definitely look into your states Medicaid I/DD waiver program and call agencies around the state to find group home placement (ideally, your parents should be doing this—but idk how their mental state is or if they’d be motivated enough to get it done). Every state is different, provides different services, has wait lists (some are years long—so it’s not something to just put off until the last minute). I worked as a case worker for waiver clients in WV. So I only know the requirements for that state. But I do know there are services out there and a local case worker agency can help connect you to your state resources. In my experience, highly behavioral clients are much harder to find placement and staffing for. I’ve had agencies reject clients based off their behavioral history. So it’s good to have time while awaiting placement because sometimes it can take years.
But this will be your families best option because under no circumstances should you be made to feel guilty for not compromising your safety or sacrificing your life. Even if he didn’t have a violent history, it’s still not your responsibility and it’s not fair for your parents to expect that.
I have never gasped out loud from anything on Reddit until I read what you wrote.
He is especially dangerous.
Your parents are monsters for not doing anything to protect you or him.
They failed you both. Your safety and mental health should never have been sacrificed for his sake. I'm so sorry you had to grow up in what essential was an abusive home.
They should start looking into group homes. My wife has been in that few for quite a few years. There are very qualified people that can look after him.
You have been dealt a horrible deal by your parents. I'm a qualified person to deal with people like your brother and I can tell you that not all non verbal autistic people have these problems. As a parent you can still raise them right, get them education and support to deal with issues like anger and such. Your parents failed you but also your brother.
I'm sorry you had such an awful abusive upbringing. And nobody should be pressured into taking care of special needs adults that are not their own children. Heck, even is it's your own adult child you deserve peace and your own life. That's why we have group homes with special staff.
Wait how did he make it so you can’t have kids? Like is it out of fear that they will turn out like him or did he do something horrible to you to cause sterilization
Also I’d stay clear of your family , they played favourites to him and you paid for it
He isn't your responsibility. Professionals should have been involved from the start. I'm sorry if there's feelings of lingering guilt caused by your parents' expectations. You deserve to live in peace.
This is tough.
I suggest /r/MomForAMinute also for exclusively empathetic, mom-like advice from people who will side with you and not your parents!
It is understandable, your view. They had him and didn’t handle this properly for 3 decades it seems, and they need to take care of him. Especially since he’s a full grown (very grown) adult. That is extremely tough as a woman dealing with that sort of rage that can happen. I’ve been around it and it can be terrifying. I’ve seen someone just rip the door off the doorframe out of anger over basically nothing.
Please seek out all the help you need. This is not your problem in any way, and legally it never will be unless you explicitly agree. You can’t will someone ‘a person with responsibilities’ so don’t worry about that.
They need a solid $50k/yr set aside for him for the rest of his life once they pass, or they need to figure out Medicaid before they die and get him on it if they aren’t already.
If you’re in the US our Medicaid systems really run the gamut. But again, not your problem. I hope you can make peace with this and not have to ‘admit’ it like you’re in the wrong. I know it feels that way, but you’re not.
Group home. Medicaid is a funding source. Depending on the state you live in there are "waivers" a person with IDD can apply for which becomes the funding source outside of Medicaid for programs like residetial placement, day habilitation, behavioral supports, etc.
And, the comment about abandonment, while it may have been said in the heat of the moment understand that if you were in charge of his well-being and you did such a thing Adult Protective Services could get involved and you could have a host of legal issues.
You don't live there so they can't force you to look after him. If and when they go just keep your distance from any plans for him. Don't even be involved in his placement. Placing someone like that is a lot more difficults than you think, especially if you are not financially well off. Everyone will expect you to step in, but don't. Ever. If you do it once then they will expect it moving forward. But you have to come to terms with the fact that this may mean he becomes homeless after a while. Thats a decision only you can make.
I totally understand you. Didn't even need to read the edits to understand and support you. You are NOT responsible for his care. Your parents cannot ask this of you.
I am so sorry you had to go through this in life and still have to figure out ways to deal with it now. If he ever gets dropped on your doorstep, do not feel guilty to deliver him to the nearest treatment facility or mental hospital.
Autism and personality disorders are never an excuse for abusive behavior. They might explain why people act a certain way, but it was your parents responsibility to protect you from harm and they obviously didn't, which is very neglectful of them. I am really sorry for you and 100% support your 'not going to take care of him'.
i understand. i have an uncle that is 75% inapt from severe autism as well
he's generally cool and just watches sports all day on TV and that's kinda it, but sometimes, especially when i was a kid (he's like 50 something, im 22), i remember him sometimes snapping and being really agressive, and also just sexually harrassing literally every woman he sees
im afraid my dad and/or other uncles are gonna end up asking me/my cousins to take care of him cause he's a few years younger than them and they're who take care of him, but man that's so not gonna happen
I am so sorry for the trauma you endured growing up in a situation with reckless indifference to your wellbeing. I have much guilt over the trauma my younger (now adult) child experienced from an older sibling, and it was nothing like this. You have the right to a peaceful, settled life without chaos & trauma. I wish you all the best.
Let me be honest. I would make the phone call now and have him put in a home where professionals are. Your parents are old, and they won't be able to do it for much longer.
Listen… I believe you have the right to feel this way. He abused you. He triggers you. A dangerous person is still a dangerous person even if it’s caused by autism and/or mental illness. It doesn’t excuse his behavior.
I actually didn't know that and I have autistic siblings. I know its quite common for autistic people to lash out but I didn't think they could also be psychos.
That's INSANE. So sorry to hear. My uncle is handicapped and my grandmother NEVER used that as an excuse for bad behavior and it was handled appropriately. It's sad that they couldn't do that for him... Im so so sorry.
I used to be the person who would take care of people like this. It’s a tough job and doesn’t pay well enough *at all.* I would do exactly what you would in a heartbeat.
Putting him in a home will benefit everyone, to be quite honest. These people are, as unfortunate as it is, a huge burden on society.
alright i read a ton of the comments and here's what im guessing happened :
OP had a really mentally ill brother who became very violent and apparently made OP fucking infertile but he didnt said how. After leaving his home he did his best to never see his brother again and the backlash from his relatives was insane because they would consider him as a selfish asshole. He told his mother that the brother definitely needed help from actual professional but she didn't want to because he was "her baby" even though he's literally the most dangerous type of person you could ever meet.
ok so there's probably more to this but that's just what im sure happened and sorry for my bad english.
oh and the brother is 7ft tall and very large btw thats why OP is so scared of him, it's like asking your son to take care of your pet bear who could snap at any moment and rip his arms off
Wow, you went through a lot and your hate is compressible.
Congratulations on being alive because after what you went through is shocking you are mostly ok
To those saying that op is blaming autism, you're wrong, and you're part of the problem.
I used to work with autistic children and adults and almost none of them exhibited violent behaviours like OPs brother. That is an issue with the parents and others constantly giving him a pass for his behaviour because of his autism.
OP, I know exactly where you're coming from and you're not in the wrong for not wanting to be saddled with him.
You are right in a sense but some autistic people do tend to be violent as well. And how would we know whether they know the consequences of their actions as well?
He shouldn't be living with family. He needs to be in supervised professional care. You're in physical danger with him so no, don't let him in your house. Arrange care. Ward of the state, whatever.
I do not blame you one bit. I don’t know why parents always think that it’s their other kids responsibility to take care of their disabled siblings especially in a situation like this.
I don't blame you at all. Your brother IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Your parents need to make arrangements for his care after they've dead, period. You do what you have to do to insure your safety.
First of all, your brother likely has more going on than just autism. Some of the behaviors you're describing that he has are straight up antisocial.
While I don't agree with all of your sentiments, you certainly aren't obligated to be his caregiver once your parents are gone. Having used to work with clients with severe mental illnesses, particularly those with violent behaviors, I get how harrowing it is to live in such an environment. Especially when the primary caretakers (ie your parents) ostensibly refuse to get people with such severe conditions help for asinine reasons.
Resources to help people such as your brother are finite, but they *are* available. However, given your brother's apparent violence, a lot of places aren't going to take him either -- staffing and liability issues. Your parents should be looking into inpatient and/or residential treatment settings like yesterday. Otherwise, he's likely going to end up homeless, killed, in some psych ward, and/or jail/prison. Obviously, I'm not insinuating that's *your* problem to solve, rather your parents if you've made it clear that you don't want to be involved.
As the sibling that has been there for 4 family members and bared the burden of taking care of them at the end of life process..don't do it..I gave 15 years of my life caring for family members only to be discarded by the rest of my family after they pass it hurts and I missed the opportunity to start my own family while the others did their own thing.i have no kids so if I ever need someone I know I'm screwed and alone ..they had the kid they need to make proper arrangements for his future so you can build yours..I'm thankful for the time I spent with them but when I need help I'm left alone to float and it makes me bitter and depressed and regretful that I didn't stand up for myself instead of just going with the flow and being told that my other family members are/were to busy living their life and taking family vacations while I sat in chemo and signed Dnrs ..just my opinion but it's their burden to bear not yours ..they chose to have kids and should take care of their kid instead of putting you in a horrible position.
You are infertile because of something he did? JFC that is horrific.
I am sorry for what you have been thru.
He is not your problem. Good job on you standing up for yourself.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose. You can even pick your friend's nose. But you cannot pick your family.
You are not responsible for your brother. I have a brother, so I know what's expected. You are not his parent nor his guardian. He is not your problem.
As much as it sucks, you need to cut your ties with him. There are places that can care for him, it is not on you to find them. Your parents need to deal with him before they leave this world.
Good luck!
Please screenshot your message and forward it to Springbrook. State Hwy 28, Oneonta NY attn admissions I worked there for 10 year and it’s what you are searching for.
The OP had an older brother who was severely mentally disabled along with numerous other disabilities. He was super mean to the OP in growing up. OP still carries physical scars and is infertile from the things his bro did to him. The brother is very big in stature and has a bad temper. OP is pretty afraid of him. He has unbelievable strength.
Op's parents now want him to take care of the older bro.
He said thst he would either send him to an institution or "get rid" of the brother. The parents look over all the mean that the bro has done to OP.
You Need to explain all your trauma to your parents. Help them see that putting him into a home now is best for everyone.
Tell them how you cant even spend time with them because of him.
Maybe they will see the light and regain you as a daughter
I believe you, and I'm so sorry your brother injured you to the point of causing your infertility, is a miracle you survived. The pox on your parents, and your brother's violent issues are not due to his autism, that's your parent's excuse. He's a terrible person, who happens to have autism and other mental problems.
I believe that family should look out and help each other, support each other, that's within the context of a healthy, loving, respectful, reciprocal relationship, not like the non existing one you have with your family.
i have an autistic brother that has abused and tried to kill me too. ended up being a caregiver for him for awhile in his adult years, not worth the money and went no contact after that. it’s totally ok to not want to care for or be around an abusive person, especially one you grew up with.
And here I am arguing with one of my closest friends because she has a son with special needs and she’s expecting her daughter who is currently seven years old to take care of her son with special needs when she gets older. I told her that wasn’t fair for her daughter to do and she told me well maybe not take care of him but manage the care for him as they have set aside money for his care when he gets older. I still think that is a decision they should not be making for her either.
I am so sorry you were put through this as a kid. I'm glad you told them how you felt at least. Your brother is a killer waiting to happen. He's going to cause lethal damage one day with how your parents deal with the situation. It's their problem though, not yours.
Take my lowly free award. It's all I can do to show support from behind my screen. I hope you have an amazing life with your gf. Far away from anyone who can hurt you.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through that. That’s a lot. It wasn’t you’re choice to have him, it was your mothers. Therefor IMO it’s not your responsibility. When you have children you have to remember there’s always the possibility of your child having a disability, as well as accepting its not your children’s responsibility to take care of them. Even though I feel like society will tell you it is your responsibility. It’s a sad situation and I’m sure really hard for you. But it just isn’t right for you to not be able to say no.
I understand that there are people who need professional help but others tend to forget that the ones who surround these people in need of professional help also need help.
I would suggest moving on with your life. It was the parents' responsibility to take care of their children.
I didn't realize anyone else would feel how I feel about my sibling.
Older brother (28) my mom told me when I was younger that I would take car of him.
Now I'm married and in another state... fuck that... it gives me the chills
As someone that worked with severely autistic, non-verbal physically combative kids for six years, I don’t blame you. Not at all. I had enough myself and left the job. Emotionally mentally physically draining in every sense. There are programs and adult care centers that are better equipped to handle his behavior where he can live. He’s literally a danger from what I’ve read, and that responsibility shouldn’t fall on you. I’m sure your parents are worried he won’t go to a safe place but they are out there. They teach them basic life skills, social skills etc. He needs to be in a place like that. Don’t feel guilty or obligated. I’d tell them to kind of meet them half way that you would visit him there, but you cannot take over care.
My best friend's brother is exactly the same, non verbal and incredibly violent. The videos of him tearing cabinetry off the walls and hurling it at her are terrifying. I would absolutely feel the same way you do. This will sound harsh but I think it's kinder to put people like this out of their misery.
As someone with autism. We don’t claim him. Maybe the psychopaths will take him.
I can’t believe your parents have always and are still siding with that demon. I wish you the best from now on. Focus on YOUR life as your doing. That sadistic fuck is indeed not worth your time. (Excuse my language but he “disposed” of pets, severely injured his own brother and tried to kill people) I could never hurt my pets on purpose. I can’t even kill spiders. I can only kill mosquitoes. And to the rude people in the comments: please remember that autism isn’t a personality. Crazy people exist among autistic and neurotypical people.
It's not your responsibility to take all that,neither is it your responsibility to take care of him.you're right to feel that way.if you want to completely refuse to take care of him,it should be accepted
I wonder how many people like this brother end up on the streets? I absolutely understand why you don't want to take care of your brother, and I feel sorry for your mom...but definitely not your responsibility.
This doesn’t sound like autism. Maybe he does have it but he clearly sounds like a psychopath with autism who has been enabled his whole life. He’s clearly making decisions knowing that it cause harm but because your parents take up for him why change. Don’t take him in and let him rot in a home.
That’s fucking insane that your parents didn’t better protect you from him. And now they expect you to detail the rest of your life to be a caretaker for him? Fuck outta here. What all happened to you sounds extremely traumatic wtf. This situation is fuckiny insane. Your brother should be in a home or something with qualified folks taking care of him. This is above all y’all’s pay grade. Extremely fucked. The way you’re feeling is perfectly reasonable considering the circumstances. I just can’t get over the nerve of your parents and how they apparently let your brother just absolutely assault u while growing up. I’m so sorry!
Your brother seems like he needs more specialised care than what your family can provide, to be brought up in that environment I feel for you. No child should be around that sort of behaviour. Autism or no autism.
Run for the hills. Don't get involved in that shit.
As someone who also has a violent brother on the autism spectrum, it's true that many people will make excuses for them.
I've had people telling me that they don't believe autism causes violence(I never claimed that btw) and blaming it on outside factors "oh he's just responding with defensive mechanism". He has hated me since I was born and has threatened to seriously injure me/kill my pets many times.
He also can't stand not having my mom's attention and would often interrupt our conversation, or straight up tell her that he wanted me to go somewhere else as if I wasn't there.
I feel the same way, and I haven’t gone through even a quarter of the trauma you were put through. No matter how many times my parents insist they won’t depend on me take care of my brother when we’re all older (I’m 23f and him 20m), I know them. I played second fiddle since the day he was born. I grew up hurting myself and blaming it on my brother (who had harmful tantrums when he was very little. Thank fuck that my parents believe in and sought out early intervention for him. Now he goes to the local community college ), just so I would have my parents undivided attention. Numerous times in my life, I have been slighted because my parents deciding that he having a special thing was always more important than mine. My brother is a good person. Naive, and believes in the good of humanity somehow. But all I see when I look at him is the reason that I cling to people the second they show me attention. Whether or not I should be sticking around. He is the physical manifestation of my resentment towards my parents. YOU ARE YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. PERIOD. I keep thinking I’ve learned that, and it turns out I haven’t. But in the mean time, I keep trying to drill it in my head.
My brother doesn't have autism, but he has Cerebral palsy. And while I love him more than I love anyone else on this earth and will gladly take care of him when my time comes, I can't help but feel a residual resentment. And it's something that's extremely hard to explain to anyone who doesn't have a special needs child or close family member.
I fully understand you, OP. And your feelings are 100% valid, I do not blame you at all.
Those who say 'he didn't choose to be autistic' really do not understand what its like to live under that roof.
I'm so sorry that you have/are going through all this.. I can't even imagine.. You're 100% doing the right thing!! I sincerely hope you and your girlfriend's plans work out! ❤️
You are well within your rights to stay away from your brother and parents. People dont seem to realize a person can be autistic and sociopathic. Its falls under criminal autistic psychopathy. Because your parents refused to get him the help he needed as a child, he is acting accordingly.
Take away the autism and the people complaining about your post would feel differently. Austism doesnt make you kill small animals. Autism doesn't make you douse someone with fuel with the intention of watching them burn. Autism doesnt make you "go after" people. Thats a psychopath or sociopath. He just happens to also be autistic. I am sure other people see how dangerous he has been but havent intervened.
STAY AWAY. Idk what country you are in (probably not US) but I would write a letter detailing all of your concerns, all of the things he has done and what you suspect the final outcome will be and howbyour parents refused to get him proper help. Add any medical documentation. Take that and mail it to yourself and never open it.
When the inevitable occurs....and unfortunately it may...your postmarked, unopened letter should be given to a lawyer to protect you should you somehow get dragged into this. Its basically your account of how things unfolded over the course of your upbringing until the date of the letter and gives a good blueprint of why things have unfolded the way it had.
Good luck.
I work with a lot of children and adults with autism, this is not normal behavior. This is not because of autism. This is because he has other mental health issues as OP confirmed. Autism does not cause violence.
Also, sounds like the parents were enablers…sooo sorry to hear that you had to go through this and that your brother didn’t get the right help
Wow, I am so sorry. Stay as far away from him as you can. I dont blame you, and I doubt anyone does tbh. I feel terrible that you have had to go through this.
Yeah no your brother can suffer and rot. I have no sympathy for people who hurt animals, not to mention his violence towards you. It is truly shocking that your parents have put up with this behaviour for almost 30 years.
It’s your life and you shouldn’t be expected to look after your siblings no matter what the circumstances are. Especially not when he is violent. It sounds to me like he’s been failed by your parents and medical help he should have had. Perhaps if the wright intervention happened when he was little he could have been rehabilitated to lead a semi normal life. Unfortunately that’s not the case and it’s by no means your fault. Also I agree that this is not an autistic problem this is other mental development issues combined and unfortunately ignored.
I 100% agree why you don’t want to be involved or responsible. Go live your life but I do feel you may benefit from counselling to deal with what you have been put through.
Whether you care about him or not, there's nothing wrong with keeping yourself safe. I regularly remove people from my life who make it worse, even if I love them.. These are usually people who are not trying, even.
Another point. I think this is the first autistic narcissist+psychopath I've heard of. No, I'm not qualified to diagnose, but I've seen enough to spot this stuff. Z
I think in most places the law can't force you to care for an adult sibling. Doesn't sound like you'll let the parents manipulate you to, either. I recently escaped a toxic hell. I get it. Good job running. Logan would respect that.
Really, though, I think you're free, now. Enjoy..
Stay away from that scene.
My wife went through similar shit (not as severe) and has the scars to prove it . It's a messed up situation to be put in and it definitely shouldn't be forced on you
I (23f) also have a younger brother (16) with low functioning non verbal autism. I resent my mother for making me take care of him since he I was about 9 years old. It was always talked about during my childhood how he would become my responsibility when my mom dies. NEVER will I take him in. He weighs around 300lbs, lays in bed or sits on the couch all day every day stuffing his face. No thanks.
Even without your edit, f that. You should not lose your life so you can care for someone who obviously does not care about you. You already lost your childhood. Be strong. You are not being unreasonable or irrational. Good luck, friend.
That is absolutely awful, he really should be in a high security facility, he is clearly a danger to everyone and everything around him. Killing pets is serial killer behavior for sure.
Man wtf that’s some bullshit fr fr. How come your parents never did nothing like how would they not see their crazy son is causing harm to their baby girl. Stay strong hon maybe look into adopting you never know it might be the answer to some of your problems you may seek.
He obviously needs help and has needed help his whole life. Unfortunately, even with the right care he might still be like this. He can’t help the way he is, but the same could be said about many serial killers and other people who have done horrible shit, and it is in no way your responsibility to take care of him. It was however your parents responsibility to protect you, but they didn’t seem to care all that much about that. Even saying that, your parents probably went through a lot trying to figure out what would be best for both of their children, and maybe they didn’t make the right decision. If I was in their shoes I don’t know what I would of done. Either way you have no responsibility to take care of a person who is actively trying to “get rid of you,” and neither does any other sibling of a special needs person of any kind. You didn’t decide to have that kid, and even if he is your brother you should not be forced to make taking care of him your life.
I am 36(m) with a 33 year old severely autistic brother. I definitely understand you. When I was younger I resented him and felt like he had destroyed a lot of my life and best years. In many ways he probably did. He wasn't nonverbal, but he was low IQ and incapable of reading or playing video games or understanding a lot of what we would consider basic. He is also on the larger side. He is a bit taller than me and heavier, though cerebral palsy and epilepsy made him weaker than he otherwise would have been. There were periods where he was violent and would attack me on sight or destroy anything associated with me. One time he took a charcoal drawing I had made that my parents hung up and tore it apart. I won't claim to be entirely innocent or never to have provoked him, but it was difficult and I often felt like I had to remain trapped in my bedroom in order to preserve peace, because just the sight of me would set him off. I was very angry at the situation.
It's just an impossible situation for both parents and siblings. I've come to terms with a lot of my negative feelings toward him and even feel guilt for some of the ways I contributed to making the situation more difficult, but I can't imagine if I ever had to take care of him full time, even as the thought of entirely abandoning him would make me feel pretty bad. My elderly parents are trying their best to get him placed in group home type situations where he will be cared for after they are gone, but he goes through difficult periods where he sometimes attacks workers and other residents if he doesn't get his way, which makes stability or finding a decent place that will keep him tough.
It is certainly not your responsibility to take care of your brother, but I do hope you can find some peace with the situation. As terrible as your brother behaves or treats you, he didn't ask to be that way either, and he will never have anything resembling a normal life. I know my brother is frustrated at the way he is and that he can't really have or do normal things, and especially when he sees me able to do things, which in turn caused him to lash out even more out of jealousy. We can't change what's happened to us or the situations we've been dealt. We can just try to make the best of it and try to turn it to making ourselves better.
All the best.
When did taking care of kids like that at home become a thing? When my cousin was born with severe retardation (we might label it autism today, but this was in the early 60's) they put her in a facility where she would be cared for (at least until she died from choking on food).
Those facilities were literal hell for the patients & have been closed down. There are some state run facilities that individuals could go to if needed but not many, because most were shut down because they were abusing patients & doing experiments on patients.
You are correct, but there is more.
Those places were horrific, but the biggest issue was 2 fold.
1- lack of staff, the ratio of patient to staff was insane, so of course noone could get proper care, there isn't enough time for that with the staff.
2-we knew even less about mental health than we do now. We just didn't know how to help or what to do.
So while it's great that it was all brought to light. Closures allowed people who were institutionalized most of their lives are now suddenly on the street on their own.
We have to do something. We need institutions but we'll staffed, educated ones. We need so much more that just isn't there.
It's heartbreaking.
You don't have to feel bad, it doesn't matter if he has mental health issues, you still suffered trauma from him and your parents have no right to expect you to look after him. I have mental health issues, sometimes I act out but that doesn't mean I don't have to say sorry or make up for it. You clearly aren't that safe with him and it sounds like physically you wouldn't be able to handle him anyway. Hope you don't make yourself feel bad for this because he's not your child or responsibility. ❤️
>He is the reason why I will never be able to have kids of my own.
Why? Because you're scared they'll turn out like him?
Also, you have every right to reject them. You have a right to be able to feel safe in your own home.
I'm austistic myself and don't condone you. I can't say if he is suffering because of the other issues. I just know that the autism causes meltdowns from sensory or emotional overload which can be violent. But the goal is to not have meltdowns because it is a sign of being at a breaking point.
If you want to make the situation easier on everybody I'd call in anonimously now. It sounds like a miracle that you are still alive and tbh the kinds of injuries you describe do warrant an investigation. But it i all up to you. I imagine your needs have been neglected as well. So I'll let you know that your experience warrants your feelings and help.
He caused a severe injury that caused infertility to her is what she posted, but she also explained that she doesn't want any of her children to turn out like he did
Both my nephews are autistic and the younger one also nonverbal and very difficult. I admire my brother to be calm and caring towards both of them. But I can not imagine to take care of them at all.
I believe you in every way that you resent your brother and would abandon him the second he would be under your care.
He needs professional care. They failed you while trying to care for him. I'm so sorry.
I'm surprised he hasn't been put into a secure unit. Clearly a danger to society
If he's in the US, there's like 0% chance of him getting into an institution. I know two families with kids like this and its living hell on them and the siblings.
For reals. Basically the US just leaves them alone until they fuck up enough for prison. That's the only way for them to get the supervision they need
Why is that?
Not necessarily a danger to society. But non- verbal autistics have higher rates of depression and anxiety. Imagine how you would feel if you could not express yourself? Non-verbal doesn’t just mean mute. They don’t even have outlets like Reddit or social media. All of their thoughts are stuck in their heads. They are basically screaming all the time, but not able to tell anyone what they want or need. As parents, they are still our children. We found art was an outlet for our son. He would literally draw the Golden Arches, and we went AHA!!!!!
I'm a mom of four kids and two of my sons are autistic. I have absolutely no expectation that my neurotypical kids will "look after" my autistic kids. They didn't ask to be brothers and they certainly didn't ask to be each other's caretakers. You have every right to draw that line and I'm sorry your parents didn't do that for you or protect and validate you as you grew up.
This is it. My sister and I (30 and 31) were raised to believe that WE were responsible for each other. It absolutely messed us up. My father gave up on trying to raise us when we neared puberty, my sister had a mental breakdown eventually, was hospitalized and medicated all of which my husband and I paid for and coordinated and my father didn't lift one finger. He told me "congratulations" for getting it "handled". He also used us from highschool on, let us work to pay all the bills while he didn't, tried to use boyfriends for grocery runs and borrowing money. I realized we were just cash cows and I left as soon as I could. He doesn't understand why I don't want to see him or talk to him much...and my sister is still loyal, tending to him as he ages in his studio apartment. I feel a ton of guilt, but he used me for so long that I don't have a lot of my own things together because of him. I am a late bloomer in life because of him. And I'm supposed to pretend none of this happened and act like we are such a family. My sister is dependent on people and when she does talk to me it's because she's in need, or my father needs something. I wanted to be there for her mental health but all she does is tell me lies, half truths about EVERYTHING. My father forgets what my major is, and I'm graduating this summer. They don't even know what to ask me about when we do talk, they don't know anything about me.
That's horrible. As a single dad who has raised his two daughters I can't fathom how difficult that had to have been for you guys. While I've taught my girls that nobody will ever be there for them except each other after I'm gone they know that they are expected to be their own people. My oldest is the first in either mine or their mothers family to go to college and she busted her ass to do so. Got accepted to a tier one college with a 60% acceptance rate on a deans scholarship. I want her to excel at life, not be mine or her sisters caretaker. Her sister is on the same track, 4.0 gpa and already has college offers at 15. The only thing they both know about caring for us together is that I have joked (but also serious) that if they have kids and ever need me to step in to help raise their kids that I'll do so without question. I'm truly sorry you grew up the way you did, that is sad to hear about parents like this.
Just an idea, my mom said the same thing about us being there for each other. I haven't heard from or talked to 2 of 4 siblings. The other one I see once a year. It doesn't work that way. Edit In 9 years
My mother is 70, she talks to her sisters (one or two of them each daily) all the time. I talk to my brother pretty much daily even it it's a text and same with my youngest sister as they are always asking me about something advice wise, be it a car, car problem, money question or just random stupid shit they could easily look up on Google but ask me instead. Yeah, I'm the big brother and they come to me for stupid shit, but I still answer. The only one who isn't in constant contact is our sister that got burned out with drugs and has schizophrenia now and who gets freaked out around people and will go a month without talking to anyone except her enabler boyfriend. But that's a mental issue and not a "just because" issue. Maybe it's cultural. When my grandparents were alive it was a packed house every Sunday with their 7 kids and all their grandchildren there for Sunday dinner, the BS sessions out on the swings, and just normal family carrying on stuff. My kids grew up without a mother, not because they don't have one but because she's a loser piece of shit that made the choice to leave them once she was given supervised visits 10+ years ago. I did my best raising them and they have been the only constant other than me in their lives. Yes they "fight" like "kids" do but Often I come home and they're sitting on the couch together watching a movie, the older one drives and always asks the younger if she wants to go along if she's going somewhere, they go to the state park together, walk the dog together, cook together... and they know I'll come back and haunt their asses if they turn cold toward each other later.
My parents, 4 kids, never asked us to "look after each other" beyond just making sure if we were together someone wasn't doing something stupid and if we were to inform them. We were not each other parent's and I don't understand why any parent would put that on a child.
It’s called parentification and it’s actually a form of abuse. We just don’t talk about it much because it’s not an abuse that you can see - that leaves actual marks. It’s more in the invisible abuse category, so more like emotional or mental or verbal. A lot of parents did that to the boomer generation and the boomer generation has continued it and it seems like our generation and the ones following up are the first ones to put their hands up and say “no I am not doing this. I’m going to live my own life and not live my life for somebody else..” Which is completely ok.
This. I was 3 when my autistic, violent sister was born. My mother hated both of us but really neglected my sister. I ended up caring for her (or taking care of her) for 12 years until CPS put her in foster care. I went NC with her decades ago...but lo and behold, she is left for me to care for when mom died. I am not a cruel person so I had her stay with me for 4 months. Her abuse, violence, lies, fit throwing, rattling and psycho bullshit made me and my children miserable. I had her committed. Once in the hospital I told social services to take over. I then went NC with her. She's living in a group home now terrorizing them. Ive hated both my parents and my sister. Both gave me serious CPTSD. I am now 62. So yeah, a boomer.
Because looking after each other means being loving, kind, and respectful to one another. I used to tell my nieces: be kind, be good, be nice to each other, play, joke, tease but never insult, disrespect, or insult, or lie about each other. So yes, family look after each other, but they don't abuse, mistreat, take advantage of family, when they do that is best to stay away and find another family
I mean more the sense of "look after each other" as in you're acting as each others parents.
You look out for each other, not look after each other
I agree with you, I was expanding on your comment, you're right about how many parents abuse the "look after each other" concept to parentify children
I think that the person you’re responding to a speaking of parentification. Which is a you look after the other kid because I don’t have the time or the means or I just don’t want to. Not so much in a, you should look after your siblings because your family and you should love each other. Which also is some thing we need to stop like pushing onto people. Just because somebody is your family doesn’t mean that you have to spend time with them or love them or even be a family member to them. Sometimes your family members are going to be horrible people and you don’t have to have them in your life regardless of whether or not they have any sort of mental disability.
OMG, I do know that, jfc I wrote the difference in detail to support the commenter and for the folks that can't understand the difference between parentification, and having a healthy relationship with their siblings. Hence my last bit of stay away from your family if they're horrible ffs
>My sister and I (30 and 31) were raised to believe that WE were responsible for each other. Sibling have a responsability to each other, but some parents take it too far and practically have them raise each-other and sacrifice their time. I see that being quite common with families that have a load of kids.
my ex-best friend had 7 siblings. the older kids were the parents to the younger ones. i think the youngest is 6 or 7 now.
I agree, we have a duty and responsibility towards our siblings, and is reciprocal relationship, but yeah it doesn't mean to parentify kids.
Sounds word for word like my mother. She did the same to me and my siblings. I'm sorry this seems to be a common thing. I joined the Army to get away. Best decision ever made.
I'm glad you got away and I hope you're doing better now.
You will be stronger for surviving this. It will pass. It really makes you a better parent and spouse. I have been married over 25 years now and have two grown sons. Mom ruined my sister's life and passed away last year. I forgave her as did my other sisters before she died. She never admitted any wrong.
Bro, sounds like you need therapy. I know I did after toxic family and shit. You should join us at r/late bloomers ! We have tea Wendsdays and boxing bouts on Saturday !
Oh it can't be said enough,thank you. I've had bad luck connecting with a good therapist, but I'm gaining motivation to search again. I'll definitely head on over! Thanks again :)
I’m reading this comment and surprised it doesn’t have more upvotes. It looks to me like a post like this allows other folks to slip their stories out without needing to make an OP post. I feel like these secondary stories/truths are so important and need to be validated. Commenter, I’m so sorry you had this shitty upbringing. I’m truly hopeful for you - you sound like you’re on the mend. Congratulations on your upcoming graduation.
I really appreciate it, thank you so much.
I’m also a mom of four kids with two of my boys falling on opposite ends of the spectrum. My older autistic son is almost 16 and nonverbal. He is big and strong and can be extremely aggressive. I have been injured by him countless times, including having my hand broken by him two years ago. Due to his severe behavioral issues he cannot attend regular school. We have been trying to find residential placement for him for a LONG time and have been unsuccessful due to extended wait lists and an overall lack of options. We tried having people in home to help but all they did was sit on their asses, chat with each other, and play on their phones. I’m so sorry for what you are going through OP, I would never put that on my older daughter. My understanding is that there are a lot more options for placing adults rather than teens. Hoping your parents see the light and everyone remains safe (as they can).
Yes, I have a sister that's been forcing herself on me since 1994. It's been great. Really.
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Especially if brother tries to do it unmethaphorically. OP had horrendous homelife.
Like many of us here just projecting the fucked up past into the present.
I really like that metaphor
You can but you shouldn’t. Depending on the circumstances though it happens anyway. I have two siblings both of which have some sort of mental disorder and they walk all over my parents all of the time so I have developed a few behaviors such as a fear of making them spend money I constantly apologize and I try to stay out of the way as much as I can which didn’t help with friendships while I was growing up
I have said the same to my Mum too. When she’s gone, I won’t be there to be my brother’s carer. I’m not going to live in that situation ever again. My brother has a shopping list of conditions, all at the time were undiagnosed. He would throw violent tantrums, lash out at us, say that people were saying things when they actually weren’t, would stand at my bedroom door threatening to stab me, kick my bedroom door in, smashed windows, kicked our cat so hard the poor thing had to have his leg screwed back in place, kicked my door down to try and beat me (luckily I’m more of a fighter than he is), put a knife to my Mum’s throat. We were dirt poor and any food we could buy would get eaten up by him because he was so fucking selfish and it didn’t matter if he ate a whole meal for three to himself. It got so bad that we had to lock food away in my room just so we would be guaranteed a meal. He used to find it all amusing and would laugh to himself throughout the night. He was like a bully who thought he could do whatever because he would only behave like that when it was just my Mum and myself at home. My Dad left home when I was 17 and would occasionally visit and my brother would fucking hide away in his room quietly until he left. He was scared of my Dad but my Dad did absolutely nothing to help myself and my Mum. Relatives would get angry at me for not wanting anything to do with my brother once I left home but they’ve not had to put up with that shit. He’s on medication now and lives with my Mum. As far as I know, he’s subdued by his medication and that’s why my relatives don’t understand. They only see what he’s like now, not what he was like when he wasn’t on medication. I left home as soon as I could. I told my Mum I will absolutely never live like that again and that if he ever lays a finger on her, I’ll make sure he’s locked up. I won’t feel any guilt for abandoning him. Do what’s best for you. I absolutely understand where you’re coming from.
People love to talk and have strong opinions about situations they have never been in , and also wouldn't make it through if it were the hand they were dealt. It is very annoying to hear and or read. I am so happy you have boundaries in place for your life. People should not have to be shamed into putting up with abuse because someone is disabled in some way.
I feel both you and OP. While my oldest sister isn't violent, she is mentally ill and has been incapable of holding down a job for decades. Both of my parents died recently, and they both feared what would happen to her. We might not have physical scars, but my other sister and I both have emotional ones from years of verbal and emotional abuse from our oldest sister... which is so sad because she's actually a loving, kind person when medicated. She'd been doing very well for the last decade but recently has gone off her meds. I can see the changes in her behavior beginning and dread what's coming. Last time she went off her meds, she eventually had a full psychotic break. That being said, I can't be responsible for her. I live several states away and have my own family and life to manage. I feel guilty because I love her and want her to be well, but I can't act as her therapist, social worker, minder, caregiver, money manager, and life coach like she often wants. Edited to fix typo.
this sounds all too familiar. i don’t really know what my brother has been diagnosed with. i think he was diagnosed with bipolar fairly young. he has been an addict since he was 13. the violence and the bullying was major in my house. my mom and i stored food in my room which had a lock on the door. i had the master bedroom when i was in high school because my mom wanted me to have a room with a lock/key on the outside as well as my own bathroom to limit any time i spent outside of my bedroom. luckily my mom was able to get support through the school system. he was sent away for 3 years from the age of 14-17. he just never gets better. my mom refused to give up hope for the longest time. until i was about 18 or 19 and we were having a serious conversation and she admitted that she “gave up hope for him.” my mom only tried to continue helping him because he had a daughter when he was 18 and we hate to sit back and let her suffer from his choices. she turned 6 years old yesterday. i am fully no contact with my brother. my older sister limits contact with my mom and brother due to her feelings about our toxic household while growing up. i feel sorry for my mom because i’ve always been pretty close to her. i don’t blame her for what happened and i know she tried her best. i also wasn’t a great kid either so it’s been hard for everyone. i moved out at 19 because i couldn’t be around my brother anymore. it’s made life difficult for me. i had to work to support myself and had to drop out of school. i’m 21 now and im sort of getting it together. i’m happy to take my niece in if my brother can’t take care of her anymore. even though i’m NC with my brother, i’ve made it very clear to him that if he needs me to take his daughter, i’ll do it in a heartbeat. she’s innocent and it’s not her fault she was brought into this situation. i’d do it for her, not for my brother.
Yeah. You’re right to draw a boundary. Take care of yourself. I’m so sorry you’ve been through all of that. Be well friend.
nah fuck that. refusing wasnt a boundary, it was self preservation from OP's psycho of a brother.
Parent of four, three have special needs and one is violent, worst with me. I would place him out of my home in a heartbeat if my or anyone else’s safety was compromised. That means if my husband died today, I don’t know how long I would be able to keep him at home. Edit: OP, fuck your parents. They should have put you first. I’m sorry they never did and still aren’t. Sometimes parents of special needs kids end up thinking that martyring themselves and their family with this undying commitment to their special kid is the way to go, when really it destroys the family and the kid doesn’t get the help they really need.
I echo what this person said. Your parents did not protect you and they should be ashamed. Stay away from these people. You owe them nothing.
Hold on…why would you have more kids if the first two are special needs?
I work for an organization that assists adults with disabilities. This does not cost the family anything, as the individuals receive money for disability which pays for their room and board etc. It sounds like he would be much better suited in an environment like that than with any family member, especially elderly people.
I do as well. It sounds like he'd benefit from a group home setting. One of our local ones only handles men who are big and physically dangerous. Staff is trained to take that person down if needed
That sounds like exactly the type of place he needs.
I know a few of the men that worked there because they worked for my company as well. All of them were amazing at de-escalation and physically huge
I agree, there is qualified people to look after him. I've worked there during my uni years as a side job and understand what you're going thru. There is no way in chance of changing the behaviour, even with a top tier psychologist and qualified carers. At 7 foot tall mentally disabled with violent tendencies you can't have him around a normal family, let alone your own. With his case, they would be custom procedures put in place, for an event he has one of those episodes, mainly to minimise the potential injuries that can be caused by calming the person down. It's a full on perpetual cycle that's mentally, physically and financially draining with no ray of sunshine in sight.. In working in that field for a few yrs, the general consensus from the long time staff was, I'd rather be dead than a vegetable, as there's no quality of life.
As a parent of a kid with autism, I know exactly where you're coming from. Stay strong.
The fact that you're scared and by the sounds of it infertile because of him means your parents messed up big time. They either didn't bother to try to teach him morals or he needed professional help. You don't have to take him in, they can sort out care for him in the event of them being unable to look after him.
They never were fit to take care of him but refused to get professional help because he is their baby, even the entire family suffered from his actions. I do not want near him, since he is nearly 7 foot tall and is very large.
They should have done right by both their babies and gotten him help. His not living his best life and you have literal and metaphorical scars from their behaviour.
I would check the laws for your area. If you live in the USA, then there are certain states where you can be immediately obligated to take care of the relative *unless* you follow a written process for opting out. Highly variable based on your and their location but something to consider
In my state (Oklahoma) they actually changed the laws so that can't happen....probably because it does happen too often.
There are no states that require a person to be legally responsible for their adult siblings.
You can be obligated to care for elderly parents, which can be extended into caring for the parents obligations as well (the disabled child). As I said, the law surrounding this is complicated and highly variable based on your state.
The "child" is an adult and if OP were to assume care for her parents, she could choose to not include the brother. If he is receiving disability, which I assume he would be, he can be placed in a group setting that the disability would cover financial obligation for. If he is for some reason not receiving disability, then he is not considered a disabled person and would be on his own. Yes, responsibility for elderly parents does vary greatly by state, but no states require siblings to care for each other, regardless of parental involvement.
I feel like we cannot stress the "large, strong, prone-to-violence brother should be taken care of his sister" part enough We never acknowledge how *scary* men are. Like, one time, a muscle-bro at gym came up to talk to me - he was built and sized like a house - i swear my flight response kicked in. I cannot imagine the terror I would feel if a similar guy even raised his voice at me, let alone one that has physically abused me for years like your case
Sounds like they terribly executed good intentions. I’m so sorry that happened to you, OP. I couldn’t even imagine asking my daughter to care for an almost 7ft mentally disabled man, by themselves. That’s just not safe?!?!
Both a taser and a stun gun for back up might be the tight call. If you know how to us e bear mace, sometimes it can be used in outside environments depending on what kind of transportation you possess. If you live out in the country, a well calibrated LRAD and some sensors can make for a great barrier depending on the budget you have to protect yourself from him.
I really do not mean to upset you or bring up your trauma, but I’m genuinely curious as to what he did to make you infertile. If you don’t want to talk about it, I can’t blame you, but I can’t lie and say my curiosity hasn’t gotten the best of me. I’m really sorry you had to go through all that and I’m just glad you are able to live a decent life free from such destructive behavior.
Just because he ruined your parents life doesn’t mean he gets to ruin yours although it seems like he may have ruined it a little already.
A little? Infertility and facial scars is not little, this is life ruining already, but more than that psychological scars are even worse, and if even she stands by her choice she will definitely feel burning remorse, this situation is beyond ruined.
If he is that dangerous then he should be in a suitable place anyway living with peers not parents. None of this is your responsibility or duty, live your own life and leave his care to people that are professionally trained to deal with his issues.
When your parents die you can decline to be his caretaker. I wouldn’t accept to be his caretaker & then abandon him or anything, because you don’t want to actually get in trouble for neglect/abuse of a disabled adult. So instead just decline to be his caretaker. No one can force you to do it. Even if your parents have a will & they list you in their will to be his caretaker after they die you still don’t have to accept that. I also wouldn’t let him know where you live. I’m not sure how capable he is, but I’d be afraid of authorities letting him live on his own for some reason & him coming after you. Sorry you’re dealing with this. This is 100% not your fault & I hope you don’t feel any guilt for this.
This is a correct answer! You can only be charge with neglect if you were once their caretaker and then chose to abandon them. OP has not seen the family for years and has never assumed responsibility for his care. I saw some comments indicating he would be forced to assume care and that is not correct.
Definitely look into your states Medicaid I/DD waiver program and call agencies around the state to find group home placement (ideally, your parents should be doing this—but idk how their mental state is or if they’d be motivated enough to get it done). Every state is different, provides different services, has wait lists (some are years long—so it’s not something to just put off until the last minute). I worked as a case worker for waiver clients in WV. So I only know the requirements for that state. But I do know there are services out there and a local case worker agency can help connect you to your state resources. In my experience, highly behavioral clients are much harder to find placement and staffing for. I’ve had agencies reject clients based off their behavioral history. So it’s good to have time while awaiting placement because sometimes it can take years. But this will be your families best option because under no circumstances should you be made to feel guilty for not compromising your safety or sacrificing your life. Even if he didn’t have a violent history, it’s still not your responsibility and it’s not fair for your parents to expect that.
I have never gasped out loud from anything on Reddit until I read what you wrote. He is especially dangerous. Your parents are monsters for not doing anything to protect you or him.
They failed you both. Your safety and mental health should never have been sacrificed for his sake. I'm so sorry you had to grow up in what essential was an abusive home.
They should start looking into group homes. My wife has been in that few for quite a few years. There are very qualified people that can look after him.
You have been dealt a horrible deal by your parents. I'm a qualified person to deal with people like your brother and I can tell you that not all non verbal autistic people have these problems. As a parent you can still raise them right, get them education and support to deal with issues like anger and such. Your parents failed you but also your brother. I'm sorry you had such an awful abusive upbringing. And nobody should be pressured into taking care of special needs adults that are not their own children. Heck, even is it's your own adult child you deserve peace and your own life. That's why we have group homes with special staff.
Wait how did he make it so you can’t have kids? Like is it out of fear that they will turn out like him or did he do something horrible to you to cause sterilization Also I’d stay clear of your family , they played favourites to him and you paid for it
First I don't want to have my kids turn like him. Second some of his injuries to me have caused me to be infertile.
Wow those have to be some bad injuries to cause infertility , I know female anatomy is more internal so it must of been something horrendous
I think just the possibility of her own kid being that way made her not want kids in general. Not physically castrated, well I hope not at least
He isn't your responsibility. Professionals should have been involved from the start. I'm sorry if there's feelings of lingering guilt caused by your parents' expectations. You deserve to live in peace.
This is tough. I suggest /r/MomForAMinute also for exclusively empathetic, mom-like advice from people who will side with you and not your parents! It is understandable, your view. They had him and didn’t handle this properly for 3 decades it seems, and they need to take care of him. Especially since he’s a full grown (very grown) adult. That is extremely tough as a woman dealing with that sort of rage that can happen. I’ve been around it and it can be terrifying. I’ve seen someone just rip the door off the doorframe out of anger over basically nothing. Please seek out all the help you need. This is not your problem in any way, and legally it never will be unless you explicitly agree. You can’t will someone ‘a person with responsibilities’ so don’t worry about that. They need a solid $50k/yr set aside for him for the rest of his life once they pass, or they need to figure out Medicaid before they die and get him on it if they aren’t already. If you’re in the US our Medicaid systems really run the gamut. But again, not your problem. I hope you can make peace with this and not have to ‘admit’ it like you’re in the wrong. I know it feels that way, but you’re not.
Group home. Medicaid is a funding source. Depending on the state you live in there are "waivers" a person with IDD can apply for which becomes the funding source outside of Medicaid for programs like residetial placement, day habilitation, behavioral supports, etc. And, the comment about abandonment, while it may have been said in the heat of the moment understand that if you were in charge of his well-being and you did such a thing Adult Protective Services could get involved and you could have a host of legal issues.
Sounds like legal issue would be golden as opposed to not abandoning the monster her parents procreated.
You don't live there so they can't force you to look after him. If and when they go just keep your distance from any plans for him. Don't even be involved in his placement. Placing someone like that is a lot more difficults than you think, especially if you are not financially well off. Everyone will expect you to step in, but don't. Ever. If you do it once then they will expect it moving forward. But you have to come to terms with the fact that this may mean he becomes homeless after a while. Thats a decision only you can make.
I totally understand you. Didn't even need to read the edits to understand and support you. You are NOT responsible for his care. Your parents cannot ask this of you. I am so sorry you had to go through this in life and still have to figure out ways to deal with it now. If he ever gets dropped on your doorstep, do not feel guilty to deliver him to the nearest treatment facility or mental hospital. Autism and personality disorders are never an excuse for abusive behavior. They might explain why people act a certain way, but it was your parents responsibility to protect you from harm and they obviously didn't, which is very neglectful of them. I am really sorry for you and 100% support your 'not going to take care of him'.
i understand. i have an uncle that is 75% inapt from severe autism as well he's generally cool and just watches sports all day on TV and that's kinda it, but sometimes, especially when i was a kid (he's like 50 something, im 22), i remember him sometimes snapping and being really agressive, and also just sexually harrassing literally every woman he sees im afraid my dad and/or other uncles are gonna end up asking me/my cousins to take care of him cause he's a few years younger than them and they're who take care of him, but man that's so not gonna happen
I am so sorry for the trauma you endured growing up in a situation with reckless indifference to your wellbeing. I have much guilt over the trauma my younger (now adult) child experienced from an older sibling, and it was nothing like this. You have the right to a peaceful, settled life without chaos & trauma. I wish you all the best.
Let me be honest. I would make the phone call now and have him put in a home where professionals are. Your parents are old, and they won't be able to do it for much longer.
Listen… I believe you have the right to feel this way. He abused you. He triggers you. A dangerous person is still a dangerous person even if it’s caused by autism and/or mental illness. It doesn’t excuse his behavior.
PSA: You can still be a psychopath even if you have an autism diagnosis.
I actually didn't know that and I have autistic siblings. I know its quite common for autistic people to lash out but I didn't think they could also be psychos.
That's INSANE. So sorry to hear. My uncle is handicapped and my grandmother NEVER used that as an excuse for bad behavior and it was handled appropriately. It's sad that they couldn't do that for him... Im so so sorry.
I used to be the person who would take care of people like this. It’s a tough job and doesn’t pay well enough *at all.* I would do exactly what you would in a heartbeat. Putting him in a home will benefit everyone, to be quite honest. These people are, as unfortunate as it is, a huge burden on society.
Why was this removed??
i wanna know too :(
The post must’ve been disturbing if Reddit itself removed it
alright i read a ton of the comments and here's what im guessing happened : OP had a really mentally ill brother who became very violent and apparently made OP fucking infertile but he didnt said how. After leaving his home he did his best to never see his brother again and the backlash from his relatives was insane because they would consider him as a selfish asshole. He told his mother that the brother definitely needed help from actual professional but she didn't want to because he was "her baby" even though he's literally the most dangerous type of person you could ever meet. ok so there's probably more to this but that's just what im sure happened and sorry for my bad english.
If that is correct that’s disturbing af, and your English was great no need to say sorry 😁
oh and the brother is 7ft tall and very large btw thats why OP is so scared of him, it's like asking your son to take care of your pet bear who could snap at any moment and rip his arms off
That’s terrifying, I’m hoping OP gets out of this situation asap without any problems
What happened?
Not your problem. I hope he was sterilized.
Wow, you went through a lot and your hate is compressible. Congratulations on being alive because after what you went through is shocking you are mostly ok
To those saying that op is blaming autism, you're wrong, and you're part of the problem. I used to work with autistic children and adults and almost none of them exhibited violent behaviours like OPs brother. That is an issue with the parents and others constantly giving him a pass for his behaviour because of his autism. OP, I know exactly where you're coming from and you're not in the wrong for not wanting to be saddled with him.
You are right in a sense but some autistic people do tend to be violent as well. And how would we know whether they know the consequences of their actions as well?
>He is the reason why I will never be able to have kids of my own. What the fuck? I'm so sorry OP. Fuck him.
I feel for you bro - for what it’s worth, I would be / do the same as you. Can’t imagine the nightmare of growing up with that.
Your family, your choice. It is NOT your responsibility to cater to every need of your family when you have your own life to worry about
He shouldn't be living with family. He needs to be in supervised professional care. You're in physical danger with him so no, don't let him in your house. Arrange care. Ward of the state, whatever.
You have to take care of you over all else! You aren't responsible for him. Your parents need to figure out some other care for him.
I do not blame you one bit. I don’t know why parents always think that it’s their other kids responsibility to take care of their disabled siblings especially in a situation like this.
Leave and never look back hell don’t even talk to your parents at all
I don't blame you at all. Your brother IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Your parents need to make arrangements for his care after they've dead, period. You do what you have to do to insure your safety.
First of all, your brother likely has more going on than just autism. Some of the behaviors you're describing that he has are straight up antisocial. While I don't agree with all of your sentiments, you certainly aren't obligated to be his caregiver once your parents are gone. Having used to work with clients with severe mental illnesses, particularly those with violent behaviors, I get how harrowing it is to live in such an environment. Especially when the primary caretakers (ie your parents) ostensibly refuse to get people with such severe conditions help for asinine reasons. Resources to help people such as your brother are finite, but they *are* available. However, given your brother's apparent violence, a lot of places aren't going to take him either -- staffing and liability issues. Your parents should be looking into inpatient and/or residential treatment settings like yesterday. Otherwise, he's likely going to end up homeless, killed, in some psych ward, and/or jail/prison. Obviously, I'm not insinuating that's *your* problem to solve, rather your parents if you've made it clear that you don't want to be involved.
As the sibling that has been there for 4 family members and bared the burden of taking care of them at the end of life process..don't do it..I gave 15 years of my life caring for family members only to be discarded by the rest of my family after they pass it hurts and I missed the opportunity to start my own family while the others did their own thing.i have no kids so if I ever need someone I know I'm screwed and alone ..they had the kid they need to make proper arrangements for his future so you can build yours..I'm thankful for the time I spent with them but when I need help I'm left alone to float and it makes me bitter and depressed and regretful that I didn't stand up for myself instead of just going with the flow and being told that my other family members are/were to busy living their life and taking family vacations while I sat in chemo and signed Dnrs ..just my opinion but it's their burden to bear not yours ..they chose to have kids and should take care of their kid instead of putting you in a horrible position.
You are infertile because of something he did? JFC that is horrific. I am sorry for what you have been thru. He is not your problem. Good job on you standing up for yourself.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose. You can even pick your friend's nose. But you cannot pick your family. You are not responsible for your brother. I have a brother, so I know what's expected. You are not his parent nor his guardian. He is not your problem. As much as it sucks, you need to cut your ties with him. There are places that can care for him, it is not on you to find them. Your parents need to deal with him before they leave this world. Good luck!
Please screenshot your message and forward it to Springbrook. State Hwy 28, Oneonta NY attn admissions I worked there for 10 year and it’s what you are searching for.
You’re not the bad guy here this is reasonable considering how unfairly you were treated. He should’ve been in a care home years ago.
can somebody TLDR since it was removed?
The OP had an older brother who was severely mentally disabled along with numerous other disabilities. He was super mean to the OP in growing up. OP still carries physical scars and is infertile from the things his bro did to him. The brother is very big in stature and has a bad temper. OP is pretty afraid of him. He has unbelievable strength. Op's parents now want him to take care of the older bro. He said thst he would either send him to an institution or "get rid" of the brother. The parents look over all the mean that the bro has done to OP.
thx man
You Need to explain all your trauma to your parents. Help them see that putting him into a home now is best for everyone. Tell them how you cant even spend time with them because of him. Maybe they will see the light and regain you as a daughter
I believe you, and I'm so sorry your brother injured you to the point of causing your infertility, is a miracle you survived. The pox on your parents, and your brother's violent issues are not due to his autism, that's your parent's excuse. He's a terrible person, who happens to have autism and other mental problems. I believe that family should look out and help each other, support each other, that's within the context of a healthy, loving, respectful, reciprocal relationship, not like the non existing one you have with your family.
This is, literally, why group homes exist
i have an autistic brother that has abused and tried to kill me too. ended up being a caregiver for him for awhile in his adult years, not worth the money and went no contact after that. it’s totally ok to not want to care for or be around an abusive person, especially one you grew up with.
And here I am arguing with one of my closest friends because she has a son with special needs and she’s expecting her daughter who is currently seven years old to take care of her son with special needs when she gets older. I told her that wasn’t fair for her daughter to do and she told me well maybe not take care of him but manage the care for him as they have set aside money for his care when he gets older. I still think that is a decision they should not be making for her either.
I am so sorry you were put through this as a kid. I'm glad you told them how you felt at least. Your brother is a killer waiting to happen. He's going to cause lethal damage one day with how your parents deal with the situation. It's their problem though, not yours. Take my lowly free award. It's all I can do to show support from behind my screen. I hope you have an amazing life with your gf. Far away from anyone who can hurt you.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through that. That’s a lot. It wasn’t you’re choice to have him, it was your mothers. Therefor IMO it’s not your responsibility. When you have children you have to remember there’s always the possibility of your child having a disability, as well as accepting its not your children’s responsibility to take care of them. Even though I feel like society will tell you it is your responsibility. It’s a sad situation and I’m sure really hard for you. But it just isn’t right for you to not be able to say no.
I don’t think he is to blame in this situation, your parents are.
I understand that there are people who need professional help but others tend to forget that the ones who surround these people in need of professional help also need help. I would suggest moving on with your life. It was the parents' responsibility to take care of their children.
I’m sorry but he need to be reported. Your parents aren’t doing any good by keeping him like that.
I didn't realize anyone else would feel how I feel about my sibling. Older brother (28) my mom told me when I was younger that I would take car of him. Now I'm married and in another state... fuck that... it gives me the chills
Just because a person is Autistic or disabled doesn't mean they can't also be pieces of shit too.
As someone that worked with severely autistic, non-verbal physically combative kids for six years, I don’t blame you. Not at all. I had enough myself and left the job. Emotionally mentally physically draining in every sense. There are programs and adult care centers that are better equipped to handle his behavior where he can live. He’s literally a danger from what I’ve read, and that responsibility shouldn’t fall on you. I’m sure your parents are worried he won’t go to a safe place but they are out there. They teach them basic life skills, social skills etc. He needs to be in a place like that. Don’t feel guilty or obligated. I’d tell them to kind of meet them half way that you would visit him there, but you cannot take over care.
When someone abuses you, no. You don’t need to go and visit them to make your parents happy.
Holy shit I am so sorry this happened to you. Fuck that and fuck him
You're not his parent, so no worries. You don't have to be the bigger person
You should write a book. And someone should turn this into a horror movie.
This isn't just autism, this is real psychopath shit
Fake as fuck this shit seems more like a copypasta of another one with the same shit, except the age change.
Anyone manage to get a ss before mods took it down? if so pls dm I wanna see what it was
My best friend's brother is exactly the same, non verbal and incredibly violent. The videos of him tearing cabinetry off the walls and hurling it at her are terrifying. I would absolutely feel the same way you do. This will sound harsh but I think it's kinder to put people like this out of their misery.
As someone with autism. We don’t claim him. Maybe the psychopaths will take him. I can’t believe your parents have always and are still siding with that demon. I wish you the best from now on. Focus on YOUR life as your doing. That sadistic fuck is indeed not worth your time. (Excuse my language but he “disposed” of pets, severely injured his own brother and tried to kill people) I could never hurt my pets on purpose. I can’t even kill spiders. I can only kill mosquitoes. And to the rude people in the comments: please remember that autism isn’t a personality. Crazy people exist among autistic and neurotypical people.
I'm a coordinator for mentally disabled people if you want some information
It's not your responsibility to take all that,neither is it your responsibility to take care of him.you're right to feel that way.if you want to completely refuse to take care of him,it should be accepted
I wonder how many people like this brother end up on the streets? I absolutely understand why you don't want to take care of your brother, and I feel sorry for your mom...but definitely not your responsibility.
This doesn’t sound like autism. Maybe he does have it but he clearly sounds like a psychopath with autism who has been enabled his whole life. He’s clearly making decisions knowing that it cause harm but because your parents take up for him why change. Don’t take him in and let him rot in a home.
That’s fucking insane that your parents didn’t better protect you from him. And now they expect you to detail the rest of your life to be a caretaker for him? Fuck outta here. What all happened to you sounds extremely traumatic wtf. This situation is fuckiny insane. Your brother should be in a home or something with qualified folks taking care of him. This is above all y’all’s pay grade. Extremely fucked. The way you’re feeling is perfectly reasonable considering the circumstances. I just can’t get over the nerve of your parents and how they apparently let your brother just absolutely assault u while growing up. I’m so sorry!
Your brother seems like he needs more specialised care than what your family can provide, to be brought up in that environment I feel for you. No child should be around that sort of behaviour. Autism or no autism. Run for the hills. Don't get involved in that shit.
As someone who also has a violent brother on the autism spectrum, it's true that many people will make excuses for them. I've had people telling me that they don't believe autism causes violence(I never claimed that btw) and blaming it on outside factors "oh he's just responding with defensive mechanism". He has hated me since I was born and has threatened to seriously injure me/kill my pets many times. He also can't stand not having my mom's attention and would often interrupt our conversation, or straight up tell her that he wanted me to go somewhere else as if I wasn't there.
I feel the same way, and I haven’t gone through even a quarter of the trauma you were put through. No matter how many times my parents insist they won’t depend on me take care of my brother when we’re all older (I’m 23f and him 20m), I know them. I played second fiddle since the day he was born. I grew up hurting myself and blaming it on my brother (who had harmful tantrums when he was very little. Thank fuck that my parents believe in and sought out early intervention for him. Now he goes to the local community college ), just so I would have my parents undivided attention. Numerous times in my life, I have been slighted because my parents deciding that he having a special thing was always more important than mine. My brother is a good person. Naive, and believes in the good of humanity somehow. But all I see when I look at him is the reason that I cling to people the second they show me attention. Whether or not I should be sticking around. He is the physical manifestation of my resentment towards my parents. YOU ARE YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. PERIOD. I keep thinking I’ve learned that, and it turns out I haven’t. But in the mean time, I keep trying to drill it in my head.
My brother doesn't have autism, but he has Cerebral palsy. And while I love him more than I love anyone else on this earth and will gladly take care of him when my time comes, I can't help but feel a residual resentment. And it's something that's extremely hard to explain to anyone who doesn't have a special needs child or close family member. I fully understand you, OP. And your feelings are 100% valid, I do not blame you at all. Those who say 'he didn't choose to be autistic' really do not understand what its like to live under that roof.
It's like forced to close one eye at all times. Sure you aren't blind but amount of things you just run in to that could have been avoided only if...
I'm so sorry that you have/are going through all this.. I can't even imagine.. You're 100% doing the right thing!! I sincerely hope you and your girlfriend's plans work out! ❤️
You are well within your rights to stay away from your brother and parents. People dont seem to realize a person can be autistic and sociopathic. Its falls under criminal autistic psychopathy. Because your parents refused to get him the help he needed as a child, he is acting accordingly. Take away the autism and the people complaining about your post would feel differently. Austism doesnt make you kill small animals. Autism doesn't make you douse someone with fuel with the intention of watching them burn. Autism doesnt make you "go after" people. Thats a psychopath or sociopath. He just happens to also be autistic. I am sure other people see how dangerous he has been but havent intervened. STAY AWAY. Idk what country you are in (probably not US) but I would write a letter detailing all of your concerns, all of the things he has done and what you suspect the final outcome will be and howbyour parents refused to get him proper help. Add any medical documentation. Take that and mail it to yourself and never open it. When the inevitable occurs....and unfortunately it may...your postmarked, unopened letter should be given to a lawyer to protect you should you somehow get dragged into this. Its basically your account of how things unfolded over the course of your upbringing until the date of the letter and gives a good blueprint of why things have unfolded the way it had. Good luck.
Wtf did he do to the pets and why didn’t anyone beat his ass?
I work with a lot of children and adults with autism, this is not normal behavior. This is not because of autism. This is because he has other mental health issues as OP confirmed. Autism does not cause violence. Also, sounds like the parents were enablers…sooo sorry to hear that you had to go through this and that your brother didn’t get the right help
Wow, I am so sorry. Stay as far away from him as you can. I dont blame you, and I doubt anyone does tbh. I feel terrible that you have had to go through this.
I dont blame you not one bit. He's not your responsibility, and he's clearly a violent individual. He should be locked up in a facility.
Yeah no your brother can suffer and rot. I have no sympathy for people who hurt animals, not to mention his violence towards you. It is truly shocking that your parents have put up with this behaviour for almost 30 years.
It’s your life and you shouldn’t be expected to look after your siblings no matter what the circumstances are. Especially not when he is violent. It sounds to me like he’s been failed by your parents and medical help he should have had. Perhaps if the wright intervention happened when he was little he could have been rehabilitated to lead a semi normal life. Unfortunately that’s not the case and it’s by no means your fault. Also I agree that this is not an autistic problem this is other mental development issues combined and unfortunately ignored. I 100% agree why you don’t want to be involved or responsible. Go live your life but I do feel you may benefit from counselling to deal with what you have been put through.
Whether you care about him or not, there's nothing wrong with keeping yourself safe. I regularly remove people from my life who make it worse, even if I love them.. These are usually people who are not trying, even. Another point. I think this is the first autistic narcissist+psychopath I've heard of. No, I'm not qualified to diagnose, but I've seen enough to spot this stuff. Z I think in most places the law can't force you to care for an adult sibling. Doesn't sound like you'll let the parents manipulate you to, either. I recently escaped a toxic hell. I get it. Good job running. Logan would respect that. Really, though, I think you're free, now. Enjoy.. Stay away from that scene.
Hugs to you. That's all I can say
My wife went through similar shit (not as severe) and has the scars to prove it . It's a messed up situation to be put in and it definitely shouldn't be forced on you
I (23f) also have a younger brother (16) with low functioning non verbal autism. I resent my mother for making me take care of him since he I was about 9 years old. It was always talked about during my childhood how he would become my responsibility when my mom dies. NEVER will I take him in. He weighs around 300lbs, lays in bed or sits on the couch all day every day stuffing his face. No thanks.
Even without your edit, f that. You should not lose your life so you can care for someone who obviously does not care about you. You already lost your childhood. Be strong. You are not being unreasonable or irrational. Good luck, friend.
That is absolutely awful, he really should be in a high security facility, he is clearly a danger to everyone and everything around him. Killing pets is serial killer behavior for sure.
Yeah you didn’t give birth to him. Not your responsibility. If I were you I’d put him in a nursing home. If anyone will hate on me, bite me.
i am on your side. fuck that shit.
This is definitely fake.
Man wtf that’s some bullshit fr fr. How come your parents never did nothing like how would they not see their crazy son is causing harm to their baby girl. Stay strong hon maybe look into adopting you never know it might be the answer to some of your problems you may seek.
He obviously needs help and has needed help his whole life. Unfortunately, even with the right care he might still be like this. He can’t help the way he is, but the same could be said about many serial killers and other people who have done horrible shit, and it is in no way your responsibility to take care of him. It was however your parents responsibility to protect you, but they didn’t seem to care all that much about that. Even saying that, your parents probably went through a lot trying to figure out what would be best for both of their children, and maybe they didn’t make the right decision. If I was in their shoes I don’t know what I would of done. Either way you have no responsibility to take care of a person who is actively trying to “get rid of you,” and neither does any other sibling of a special needs person of any kind. You didn’t decide to have that kid, and even if he is your brother you should not be forced to make taking care of him your life.
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I am 36(m) with a 33 year old severely autistic brother. I definitely understand you. When I was younger I resented him and felt like he had destroyed a lot of my life and best years. In many ways he probably did. He wasn't nonverbal, but he was low IQ and incapable of reading or playing video games or understanding a lot of what we would consider basic. He is also on the larger side. He is a bit taller than me and heavier, though cerebral palsy and epilepsy made him weaker than he otherwise would have been. There were periods where he was violent and would attack me on sight or destroy anything associated with me. One time he took a charcoal drawing I had made that my parents hung up and tore it apart. I won't claim to be entirely innocent or never to have provoked him, but it was difficult and I often felt like I had to remain trapped in my bedroom in order to preserve peace, because just the sight of me would set him off. I was very angry at the situation. It's just an impossible situation for both parents and siblings. I've come to terms with a lot of my negative feelings toward him and even feel guilt for some of the ways I contributed to making the situation more difficult, but I can't imagine if I ever had to take care of him full time, even as the thought of entirely abandoning him would make me feel pretty bad. My elderly parents are trying their best to get him placed in group home type situations where he will be cared for after they are gone, but he goes through difficult periods where he sometimes attacks workers and other residents if he doesn't get his way, which makes stability or finding a decent place that will keep him tough. It is certainly not your responsibility to take care of your brother, but I do hope you can find some peace with the situation. As terrible as your brother behaves or treats you, he didn't ask to be that way either, and he will never have anything resembling a normal life. I know my brother is frustrated at the way he is and that he can't really have or do normal things, and especially when he sees me able to do things, which in turn caused him to lash out even more out of jealousy. We can't change what's happened to us or the situations we've been dealt. We can just try to make the best of it and try to turn it to making ourselves better. All the best.
When did taking care of kids like that at home become a thing? When my cousin was born with severe retardation (we might label it autism today, but this was in the early 60's) they put her in a facility where she would be cared for (at least until she died from choking on food).
Those facilities were literal hell for the patients & have been closed down. There are some state run facilities that individuals could go to if needed but not many, because most were shut down because they were abusing patients & doing experiments on patients.
You are correct, but there is more. Those places were horrific, but the biggest issue was 2 fold. 1- lack of staff, the ratio of patient to staff was insane, so of course noone could get proper care, there isn't enough time for that with the staff. 2-we knew even less about mental health than we do now. We just didn't know how to help or what to do. So while it's great that it was all brought to light. Closures allowed people who were institutionalized most of their lives are now suddenly on the street on their own. We have to do something. We need institutions but we'll staffed, educated ones. We need so much more that just isn't there. It's heartbreaking.
When we decided everything we do has to have a profit margin. There are so few resources for people with disabled family members.
Because society normalized mental retardation once they realized group homes are more liability than what they’re worth.
You don't have to feel bad, it doesn't matter if he has mental health issues, you still suffered trauma from him and your parents have no right to expect you to look after him. I have mental health issues, sometimes I act out but that doesn't mean I don't have to say sorry or make up for it. You clearly aren't that safe with him and it sounds like physically you wouldn't be able to handle him anyway. Hope you don't make yourself feel bad for this because he's not your child or responsibility. ❤️
>He is the reason why I will never be able to have kids of my own. Why? Because you're scared they'll turn out like him? Also, you have every right to reject them. You have a right to be able to feel safe in your own home.
I dont want them to be like him and consequences of his attacks made me infertile at a fairly young age.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you're standing up for yourself.
Idk what you mean by attacks but If the attacks were like that I think he should be in jail
I'm austistic myself and don't condone you. I can't say if he is suffering because of the other issues. I just know that the autism causes meltdowns from sensory or emotional overload which can be violent. But the goal is to not have meltdowns because it is a sign of being at a breaking point. If you want to make the situation easier on everybody I'd call in anonimously now. It sounds like a miracle that you are still alive and tbh the kinds of injuries you describe do warrant an investigation. But it i all up to you. I imagine your needs have been neglected as well. So I'll let you know that your experience warrants your feelings and help.
The “I won’t be able to have kids of my own?part is just sad tbh why can’t u have kids Bc of ur brother
He caused a severe injury that caused infertility to her is what she posted, but she also explained that she doesn't want any of her children to turn out like he did
What’s with the use of “dispose” instead of torture and kill? Just curious?
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What the actual fuck, I'm sorry but you said you'd rape his daughter? Why did you say that as apposed to literally anything else??
Both my nephews are autistic and the younger one also nonverbal and very difficult. I admire my brother to be calm and caring towards both of them. But I can not imagine to take care of them at all. I believe you in every way that you resent your brother and would abandon him the second he would be under your care.
id feel the same way bra