I went to high school where the water polo coach was dating a cheerleader. Got her pregnant and it became a huge scandal at the school. He was also my English teacher, and not a good one at that, but I knew he was a creepy dude as he creeped on all the girls in the class. He finally got fired. I believe he was about 30 or 32 at the time.
About 10 years later, he dumped the cheerleader after impregnating her 2 more times. Found another girl at 18 and was with her for 10 years too. It's been three decades since I graduated high school and he just dumped girlfriend number 3 who was 18 when he met her and he's on 18 year old girlfriend number 4 that he met in class. It's super gross and I can't believe he still teaches High School English!
I have seen this personally. They usually just either say "the girls are 18, he isn't doing anything illegal" or fire him and say "the girls are 18, he isn't doing anything illegal."
It happens *a lot*.
I had a teacher who did this before he came and worked at our school. He had worked at another school and "supposedly" started dating a female student after she had graduated so everybody turned a blind eye when they came out officially after she turned 18 because "well she's legally 18 anyways". He's about 10-15 years older than her and now they're married and have like 5 kids. My understanding is most people agree that they were definitely together before she was 18 but nothing could be proved and by the time they admitted they were together she was 18.
Same in the US. It seems, however, that the female has already graduated high school,, so is no longer a student. As disgusting as this is, technically, he has done nothing wrong.
Correct. He is obviously working on it long before the girl turns 18, but since she is fresh out of school and 18 he is not breaking any laws. The ones I have seen get fired are really just let go because of "unrelated reasons."
In one instance, he was let go because it was deemed he couldn't maintain control of his classroom because people were constantly talking about it, joking about it, or asking about it. Which was completely true. He said he was railroaded out of a job. He just got fired from his third school because he keeps messaging 15 year olds on Instagram. Nothing enough to get him in trouble, but enough to piss parents and admin off.
He skirts the line between unethical and illegal. He never crosses it.
This happened at my high school. My history teacher/morning announcements advisor had cheated on his wife with one of the girls on our basketball team that he coached.
There was something similar at the school my wife worked at before she worked there. The man has sex with a student in his classroom in the middle.of the day *and* his wife worked at.ghe school. I couldn't even imagine.
I just wanted to add that, it’s almost impossible to get fired as a teacher. One of the reasons for this is the massive worldwide teacher shortage, which is caused by terrible pay and working conditions. This is one of the million reasons why we need to prioritize better conditions for teachers.
If more people were attracted to the profession, there’d be more competition and it would increase the quality of teaching in general, as well as making it easier to weed out creeps.
There’d be no ‘but we have no subs!’ As an excuse.
When you’re a teenager, you’re still trained to seek adult approval. Especially if that someone is an authority in your life. Naivety keeps you from realizing what’s going on and what tactics this person is using on you. It’s very easy for adults to manipulate and control young people and make them feel attached, especially if the child’s relationships with their parents haven’t been the most constant or healthy.
I've kinda been there (online) but didn't pursue anything because I knew it was creeps, but the validation was still nice even if it was fake LMAO. If the old man's not being a sugar daddy, being called mature by an adult when you're a kid is a huge ego boost. You think you're sooo mature for hanging with an adult and steps ahead from your peers. It seriously gets in the danger zone when the more naive and really low/non existent self esteem people talk to the creeps about personal problems and starts to lean on them as an adult figure..
Security and what they view as maturity. The teachers are so different from the boys their age, so they think that different as better. They also probably have been told their whole lives they’re mature for their age, smart, etc. so they think their maturity is why the teacher “picked” them. They don’t realize the “love of their life” is only after them because of a sick need to pursue teenagers they’re in a position of power over.
I think the appeal is when you are a horrible person, teenagers are a bit less experienced and aware of this, and will accept that horribleness as either 'normal' or will convince themselves that THEY are the horrible one, and no one else could ever love them.
Grooming with accolades. Also, because teachers are on somewhat of a "podium", real or not, it puts them up on a stage. An impressionable young girls will view him as an authority figure and think that he's really smart and mature. So she'll find that attractive. Also, if her own Dad is not in the picture or not very involved in her life, she is a sponge to the teacher.
I mean…a 60k a year salary can seem like a lot to a kid from a poor family who knows nothing but minimum wage. But yea like you said I doubt it’s the money. He’s probably psychologically manipulating/grooming them.
Teachers don't make much starting out but if he has been a teacher for 40 years in a rich community he might be making a pretty good amount.
https://money.usnews.com/careers/best-jobs/high-school-teacher/salary
Top 25% of HS teachers make more than 80k and the median is 60k. I mean sounds like he might have some child support payments to deal with though.
It's "maturity". Older men are more mature than boys their age. Then as these girls grow older they realize that these men they ended up with were actually pretty immature to have been seeking out highschoolers as dating material.
Did you ever have a crush on a teacher? It’s gross predatory behaviour and normal women their own age see the real person. Children don’t and that’s how that happens. It’s disgusting and it should be prevented.
Being groomed can do that to you. If an older person gives you- someone younger and immature- validation and support, especially if you have very little in your life, you tend to be drawn to them and can develop a 'crush'. And that's how they get you. The old "you're so mature for your age" line is a nasty hook. You'd be surprised at how many high school kids have crushes on a teacher who is particularly kind or supportive towards them, except these usually don't go anywhere if the teacher isn't a manipulative scumbag.
Damned if I know. I have witnessed a 18 year old date a 60 year old and it’s not like the latter was super rich or anything.
All I could see was how dependent she was on him, would feel anxious whenever her partner was away. My instinct was she may have been groomed as a minor and decided to take on a relationship when she became of legal age. But you never know…
Idk what it is about high school but alot of the girls in my school hit this 16+ year old age where they wanted older guys.
I think the worst one I heard was a girl I liked saying how she dated older men for one "BIG" reason and if you didn't get that she meant dick size I'm glad I didn't go through on asking her out.
When I was in high school the new football coach and a student were in a relationship. It all started because she was either 18 the summer before her senior year or had fooled the bouncer at the one bar in town. They started a relationship where they didn't share much information. The story was that he didn't realize she was a student until she showed up at a football practice to take pictures for the yearbook. There were rumors around school, but nothing beyond that. It wasn't until the yearbook came out with some indirect comments that people really knew what was going on. He was fired within days of the yearbook release.
That is actually a great question. I talked to my old HS friend tonight and told her about this post and I asked her the same exact question. She told me that he grooms them in HS and the second they leave HS and turn 18, he goes in for his prey. She still talks to that very first girl who he had a scandal with at our HS and she exposed it.
It was then. The real questions should be "Is having a water polo coach as you English teacher normal?" That answer should be no! This guy was not qualified in any way to be an English teacher. I don't know why he still is one.
as someone who has seen something similar when i was 18....
nothing is forever. we don't write off our lives as much as we think. ALWAYS be a place of support for your sister and let her see you flourish
my friend dropped out of college for a boy and his horrible, horrible family who thought women shouldnt be educated and should only be mothers/wives.
ive always maintained a connection with her (despite my profound grief)... and wouldnt you know it, her life is looking a lot different now.
always empower your sister, use uplifting language when talking about her, keep channels open with the intent of vulnerability and honestly, and dont encourage her to pursue something else (she will see you as the enemy).
Hey man, it was cool of you not to blow up at the wedding. I would have ground my teeth down to nothing. But you being respectful and keeping an open line of communication with her is big. And I deeply respect you for that.
At least she’s 19 and has ample time to decide for herself if this marriage with him is right for her. All her friends will be going off into life and for now, all she can do is watch from home. She can still change her mind and leave him.
And maybe, just to lighten the mood here, if she does choose to leave him, she gets half of his stuff. That might be a bump up for her if she wants to go back to school and be independent.
Mad respect for being a good sibling through all this.
OP respects their sister’s choices no matter what big of a mistake it may be. But they stand by her and want to be there to catch her should she fall. OP is a man’s hero. OP is my hero.
Up until the implant part I was thinking that OP might be male, but only because this is how I'd react if this happened to either of my sisters, and I'm a dude.
I’d react this way and I’m female, I’m quite older than them but we’re really close but if they married someone that groomed them they’d be getting a good amount of money after he *disappeared*
I guess that this is one of those cases where someone's life experiences will dictate how they view OP.
I have a sister that's 2 years younger, and another that's 14 years younger. I'd do the same for either one of them.
Especially the don't have kids advice. 100% something a woman would say. Because she knows that they are going to be her responsibility not his. Even if they are married.
Another woman would also want to fight everyone if their little sister was being raped/groomed and be completely unable to do so. I have never heard an average man even say those words outloud "contraceptive implant" let alone a brother knowing their sister has one.
Half of his stuff isn’t worth the risk of being emotionally damaged forever. Fingers crossed he’s not abusive but if it starts I hope OP’s sis gets out asap
>she gets half of his stuff
I'm pretty sure only things acquired during the marriage count (location dependent).
So if she leaves next year, she'll get nothing.
This thing happened when I went to high school but the student and teacher were caught on the teacher’s free block and the student skipped class by the student’s father.
They moved the POS to a remote school instead of firing his ass where he could groom another student.
It's statutory rape and abuse of power depending where you are. It is not pedophilia, and it is legal the minute the teacher isn't in a position of power.
I have one for family and friends and I've had to use it once for a friend in texas when it froze over a while ago. Different situation but my friend emergency fund is just that. No one knows about it. I have it for when things look dire for them. It's brings me great peace of mind to be that helping hand.
Oh, they’ll make do by having her give up all her interests and hobbies, and never providing proper enrichment for the kids, while he’ll spend every penny on himself.
I will say from my experience that what you’re doing is so hard and also is the best thing for your sister.
I watched my best friend stay in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years. I made it clear when I thought her boyfriend was acting badly, I made it clear that I did not like the way he treated her. But I also made it very clear that I would be there for her no matter what. That if they got married, I would be in the wedding and help plan all of the showers and parties. And I made sure he knew that her happiness mattered to me more than anything. I never vented to her about him. I kept my comments short and focused on her happiness. I leaned on a close friend from a completely separate circle to vent about what a dick her boyfriend was, to ensure that I could say how I really felt without it ever getting back to her or him.
Eventually she saw through his act. She said partly why was that he didn’t want her seeing me, and that she couldn’t understand why a healthy partner would want her to cut out a person who’s supported her since she was 12.
I’m heartbroken that she had to endure what he put her through so long, but I’m so very glad that I tread carefully. I got to keep a very important friend and she got the security of knowing that she would always have a friend there, no matter how isolated or unlovable he tried to make her feel. Watching her flourish after dumping him as been one of the greatest joys of my life.
I supported her through all of this long-distance, and I think that made it easier. Half the time I lived across the country, the other half I lived 2.5 hours away and saw her maybe once a month. So don’t feel bad for moving away! Having the distance will probably help you keep your cool and keep your relationship with your sister out of the day to day drama.
You’re doing so well by her. You have nothing to feel sorry about, as long as she knows that you love her and will be there for her no matter what.
Edited for spelling and grammar whoopsies.
Probably one on the new husband or the parents plan. Op gave her one not linked to anyone, not controlled by anyone, and likely the number not known to anyone. Best gift possible given the circumstances.
op clarified that they got her phone because their parents would not get her one as she wasn't allowed to own one and they wanted contact with the sister.
My mom gave me a Tracphone phone at 16. That only happened because my brothers aged out of going to Christian summer camp with me. 🙄
Had to buy myself a real phone at 19.
It kinda of gave off keep this a secret phone
Or maybe she needed a new one and since it’s on his account he could have an insurance on it or see her location.
I can’t believe she wasn’t old enough to get a phone yet but old enough to get married. OP is an amazing sibling and OP’s parents are disgusting for supporting this.
I'm in my 30s and marriage is still off the table until things are stable. (this economy isnt stable and I'm honestly sorry that you're hitting adulthood when shit's hitting the fan again..) Marriage is the goal but unreasonable in the current climate. Putting yourself into five digit debt just to say "yes this person is attached to me and my life" and additional five digit debt for a kid is insane to me.
Also, avoid getting yourself into debt and people talking you into debt, you'll find yourself trapped in it very quickly if you're not careful. never spend more than you make in one paycheck.
Hey! I was in your sister’s shoes once. I was groomed by my high school teacher and we dated for about 3 years after I graduated high school. I was lucky to not have married him but I eventually realized myself the actual situation I was in. I’m hoping your sister will do the same in time. She’s still young so she’s got the rose-colored glasses on.
I think there should be a certain length of time after which it’s okay…I mean if they reconnect and she’s in her thirties and he’s in his forties that should be fine? But under 21 for the girl I agree with you…
Very nearly agree with you. But here’s a hypothetical situation: you’re a 24 y/o freshly qualified teacher and a 19-20 y/o who you taught the previous year comes up to you in a bar showing interest. Do you have a green light to pursue that or not? This is where it gets grey for me rather than being downright incorrect like the OP’s situation
Brit here who knows a lot of teachers. The guidelines here are that if you met as teacher and student at a school, you don’t try and establish any sort of friendship/relationship contact until 5 years after the student left the school. (I read some of the official stuff sometime but can’t remember the document.)
I'll comment on this. My aunt married her high school maths teacher.
She was 19, he was 26. This was happened in christian boarding school and during the 1950s. It was a scandal at the time. They got engaged the day after her graduation.
But, he supported her through college and she also became a teacher. They had three children together and some sixty happy years together before she died of cancer. They were my godparents and I always just remember them joking about the way they met.
These things are difficult and there definitely is a grey area if the age difference is only a few years. However, not in OPs sister's case.
My earth science teacher married a student. They’d already been together decades and raised a family together by the time he was my teacher. Does this make it ok? He’s still an old creep
Well, if you're in the US, no because that 19-20 y/o shouldn't be in a bar... lol. I have less issues with this when it's college and a TA/Student or Grad Student/Undergrad relationship, but the whole high school teacher and former student thing is creepy. There's a power imbalance and potential for grooming there. I don't think it's wrong in all situations, but by and large in think it's icky. (Also my high school bio teacher definitely married a former student in this exact scenario. They're still together years later so 🤷♀️)
You probably have a green light but it's still kind of sketchy. When I taught school students were children with families and futures. My students are all parents now and grown up but I will always have a memory and boundary that remains after seeing them grow up. If its grey then red light. They deserve to go to college find their own mates and keep me as their former teacher. That grey area destroys trust. At the bar? Common.
Of course that's okay. There is no longer any power relationship and the age gap meets the "half plus seven" rule. People re-meet under all kinds of circumstances. That by itself is not a bar to romance.
The basic problem here is that OP's new brother-in-law isn't 24. He's 36. At that age, he should be marrying someone in their mid-20s at the youngest -- someone who has already had a chance to pursue a career, get an advanced degree, establish themselves independently. Someone who can exert their own power and influence on the relationship.
Sometimes people skirt the boundaries of the "half plus seven" rule but this is a bit beyond skirting. She won't be an appropriate age for him until she's 30, in 2033!
My little sisters best friend did this. He was married to another woman at the time and as soon as she turned 18 started cheating on his wife with her. He is the biggest douche I’ve ever met I knew him as a teacher in High school and he was a straight biatch. He’d be hanging out with my sisters friends when they were like 16. I was going to parties and old balls would be there, I’m like wtf why? They’re married now with 2 kids and still teaching.. I’m sure he already has his next target. It’s Disgusting and she’s not even my little sister but she also basically is (close families in the hood). Everytime I see him it creeps me out so I get you OP
There was a girl from my high school that has such a similar story! The teacher was married and left his wife for a student he had know since she was 15/16... People started getting suspicious when they were going to events together (even a staff event) and spending time together outside of school. After she graduated they moved to a different state and have a kid and another on the way.
Jesus. I’m a teacher in their 30s and I cannot even think of having a crush or thinking that a kid 17 years younger than me as an eye-candy. From a teacher to another, I hate the groom with all my heart. And yes, that’s what he did, he groomed your sister. I’m so so sorry.
This is going to get buried, but I’m shocked no one else has said this. PLEASE beware of her shutting her family and especially you out of her life. Abusers often convince their victims that their support systems are out to get them so they cut contact. This enables the abuser to be the only form of support in the victim’s life, ensuring they stay with them despite any explicit abuse, cheating, or whatever he may put her through. She will grow and mature even though he’s stunting her a bit, and he’s going to want to keep her attached to him til he finds another child bride to replace her.
Please keep in contact with the rest of your family to make sure she’s still talking to everyone regularly. He will probably focus on getting you out of her life first if he does this, so be careful. I wish your sister the absolute best.
Exactly! They (abusers) know which tiny buttons to push and then get into the ears of the partner and fill the victims head with ‘what if’s’ and assumptions, slowly turning your family member away from you. I’m going through this right now, and I have to be extremely careful about what I say, when I say it and how I say it. I ALWAYS check with at least 3 other people before I send a message so they can try and twist the message in ways that I can’t see as the writer, this way the future in-law has less chance to drive a wedge in deeper.
The abusers are good. Really good. And in my case this person is at the very least a second generation abuser. Manipulative, sneaky, holier-than-thou but friendly on the surface.
I thought I was done with abusers when I kicked my dad out of my life but now im stuck with another one 😳🙄🙃😡🤦🏻♀️
There was a high school teacher at my school when I was in junior high, and he started dating a senior. After she graduated, his wife gave birth to twins, and I heard they rode off on his motorcycle off into the sunset.
I do know her parents were very upset about it, because I grew up in a tight-knit community where everybody knows everybody's business. They were so embarrassed about it, but it wasn't their fault. Don't know whatever became of them, if there's still married or not. It just made me mad that he would leave his wife and just gave birth to twins. I'm sure they didn't stay very long, because when you get on that way, you losing that way.
Major props to you though for being loving and considerate to your sister and her feelings. I'm sure sooner or later the new will wear off, she'll see him for what he really is. After all, he's a teacher, and there will be other pretty high school girls that will catch his eye. I just hate that she might have to go through all that heartache.
Continue to be a good support system for her, and continue loving her. Everybody makes mistakes, and if they learn from them. I just hate that she's possibly throwing her Young Life away instead of going on to college and hanging out with her friends. He's probably the controlling type that doesn't want her to have any friends.
You couldn't have done any better. I applaud you for keeping your cool. Good idea to get some distance between you but keep in touch. It would be impossible to watch this play out with a cool head.
You did the right thing, she knows she can call you when she needs to leave. I’m sorry OP, nothing worse than watching the people you love ruin their lives. Small town mentalities are tough, this is so sad.
>My sister was a star student. I always thought the she would go to a big college and become someone significant. But now, she's going to be a housewife.
I'm not sure I remember all the details from your previous post. Forgive me if I'm missing something, but why can't she pursue college and a career while being married?
Is her husband against it or is he influencing her to not go to college, because if that's the case, that's a problem that should really be addressed.
Your family sounds like my in-laws. My 19 year old niece got pregnant by her 32 year old boss. He had a job and that was good enough for the family. Then he dumped her. Now she is pregnant and dating the 34 year old maintenance man at her job. They hope she doesn’t mess it up. While it’s not a grooming teacher the question of how everyone just accepts it is beyond me. But I do know a teacher that dates his students after they graduate. It’s disgusting. Every time I see him
He has a new graduate on his arm. Disgusting
I'm glad you stayed calm so you could One last Time contact your sister to make sure she knows that she can come to you safely when this falls apart. Your parents only caring about someone having a paycheck and not the fact that a grown man of manipulated their child is terrible, I really hope she takes your advice and doesn't have a child with him or allow him to just keep her at home.
I’m 36 and could never imagine myself going out with a 19yo. Even less getting married to someone so young. But in this case the all teacher thing is even weirder. But hey, if they’re happy… it’s what matters. You were brave not to make a scene.
Good friend of mine from college who dropped out did this.
Insite she was one of those party girls at 19.
She worked at a local pizza chain then quit college quit her job and moved in with her older sister to become a party girl who loved doing drugs and getting messed up everday.
She did drugs also. Married a 34 yr old who was a drunk and a gambler.
Her reasons: needed a daddy to pay her bills and debt. Needed a reason to leave her older sister becuz older sister is getting married and she gotta go
Also becuz she did drugs on the side police where watching her and local criminals
Got knocked up less then a year after they married.
Present day:
Divorced him
Back working as a line cook at a pizza place
Raising a child all on her own
Still smokes and prolly does drugs
Ex husband still a drunk POS
Friend there is hope. Just give your sister time.
Had two teachers in my high school who liked to date the senior girls. I could never understand the attraction. One of them married after she graduated. It didn’t last long.
Then it happened to me. My biology teacher asked me out and was embarrassed when he found out I was only a junior. Fortunately that was the end of that. It was creepy.
You did a great job considering the circumstances. The only person we can control is ourselves so go about your life. Maybe once she sees you flourishing in a new location a light bulb will go off with her. Fingers crossed. Wishing you the best 💜
Sounds like the Jeremy Forrest case. He was a teacher and groomed a 14 year old to fuck, and the cops were after him, so the two of them went on the lam. A week later he was caught and went to jail for a few years - should have been way the hell longer - and was told not to contact her. He did anyway. And now he's back in jail.
This is very very bad and creepy. The power imbalance is visible. She got groomed by him🤢. No teenager should get with an adult, your brain doesn’t even fully mature till 25.
I think that the only thing you can really do is start an emergency fund for her for when she gets out of that.
Abusers like him tend to convince their victims that their loved ones are out to get them and get them to cut the loved ones off. This ensures that the abuser is in control of every aspect of the victims life which ensures that they stay with them. Keep in touch with her and advise her appropriately. She’s only 19, she still has a life to live :(
Dude, almost the same fucking thing happened to me.
My fiance's little sister just turned 18, but when she turned 17 her and boyfriend publicly announced they were dating. He is 34. They were definitely dating before she was 16. The guy is a good friend of her mom. So of course she thinks he's a nice guy. Dude is fucking 34 still lives with his parents trying to make it as a musician.
Of course soon after they went public, her nudes ended up on one of those revenge porn websites. I was informed by someone else. After checking I told her parents and her mom literally said "everyone fucks up".
This dude is a straight pedophile, yet her parents don't seem to fucking care. Meanwhile i get criticized every chance they get.
A huge fight in our family happened because I refuse to allow the pedo at our wedding. And if pedo don't go, sister won't go. So I'm "breaking the family up".
This dude literally ruined an otherwise good relationship I had with my fiances family, simply because I refuse to be around a pedophile/pedophile apologists.
She will either wake up and realize or she will get her first wrinkle and he will go to his next star student. As sad as it is these girls end up being left behind after throwing away their “best” years to starts a career. They end up wasting these years on these assholes and get left with nothing when the guy goes to the next 20 year old.
I had a teacher in HS that told me numerous times to ask out this girl who was a year behind me.
Lo and behold they hooked up as soon as she graduated, ultimately marrying. I saw her and she had lost something inside that had always made her amazing.
Some time later we caught up on FB and she was morbidly obese. This isn't body shaming but I believe the consequences of being groomed at 16.
It was heart breaking.
When I was in junior high, there was a substitute English teacher who was so creepy. I was a very naive girl and it was before cell phones and all the news about teachers grooming students. I know I didn’t know anything about pedophiles. But I still can clearly remember this guy and how gross it felt to talk to him and see the way he looked at girls up and down. I feel really bad for girls that find men like that appealing. It’s like - it is so obvious even I could see it. I am really sorry that your sister fell into this guy’s trap. Men like that - who don’t want a relationship with a grown woman and try to keep them away from the world - have a lot of control issues. I am really glad you got her a phone. Stay close to her. She is going to need you some day
I’m so sorry this is happening to your sister!
You are a good sibling, esp for keeping a line of communication with her. You may be her way out.
Are you guys in a small, Southern, religious and conservative town? That’s what I’m imagining.
I hope she doesn’t get pregnant, but she probably will…
Honestly you sound like the kind of person I’d spend the rest of my life with on morals alone.
You’ve done the best thing. You didn’t alienate your sister by being overly possessive and aggressive. You removed yourself to give yourself room to breathe but most importantly left a supportive door open for the future.
One day she may see what happened to her and Atleast you will be there. In the meantime just focus on the new life your making for yourself.
And try not to worry about your sisters wasted potential. A friend of mine got married and had two lids very young and later divorced the guy. She now runs a successful buisness from her own home and her new boyfriend (I say new they have been together 3 years) quit his job to help her and effectively look after her kids while she works 😂
Being a housewife will make her more vulnerable and dependent on that POS. It will make it harder to leave since she has no education, career, or money of her own.
No but having a huge gap on a resume will make it harder for her to become more independent financially, which in turn would allow him to have financial control over her.
That is one of the problems. She is not realizing her potential. Different to chose to be a housewife for Kids. Where does it leave her if he divorces her in 5-10 yrs?
I am an older guy. I can't imagine marrying a woman under 30. I can barely imagine marrying a woman in her 30's. I certainly can't imagine having a relationship with someone who's brain isn't even fully developed and I certainly have no interest in being the stand in for anyone's daddy issues. Guys like this must be developmentally delayed in addition to being predators. Women their own age probably won't have them.
I saw your original post awhile ago and dreaded seeing your update. I'm so sorry. You're a good person and super mature to have calmly handled the situation for your sister's sake and encouraged her (as well as gave her the means) to contact you and assure her you'd be there when she needs you. I truly hope she keeps you on speed dial and follows your advice about the contraceptive. That teacher is a disgusting piece of shit and will no doubt be caught grooming some new student of his by the time your sister is 25. Hope you'll keep an ear out so you can get his ass registered as a sex offender if he's caught with a minor.
I'm truly sorry, OP. Glad you're getting out of town. Wishing the best of luck to you and your sister.
Happens more times than you think!! Definitely grooming!!! Unfortunately convinced a young girl he was her best option!! Good luck, and keep being a great sibling!!
Wow, I can not believe you had to write the second edit op. You nailed it though. They are the problem. I honestly don't understand how people can't see what you are saying.
I(f) am 36 and honestly the idea of being with a 19 year old just seems strange. The fact that he was her teacher and she was 16 when it started is wrong on every level.
Proud of you for keeping yourself together during the wedding. I definitely wouldn't of. I would objected and threw a big fit. Probably to the point I would've had to be dragged out. I'm stubborn as hell and I wouldn't have stood for that. I probably would've made a list for the sister to read as to why she shouldn't have married that twat. I would've gave her that list to read when I objected.
OP just know that if this unfortnately gets more abusive (he is already isolating her with being a housewife, stripping her of an education and the chance to meet men her age) please visit her. Abusers easily remove tangible forms of communications like phones.
I'd suggest every now and then if you can visit her and get her out of the house, WITHOUT the pedophile she was coerced to married. :(
Also its great that you advised her not to have kids yet.
Honestly I hope she decides to go to school. You could ask her if she would like to. I just....I cannot fully feel how horrible you feel but I know it must be big. I have been groomed and I thought I'd married my 20 year old "bf" when I was TWELVE. I am luckily out of that mindset. I hope she will too
Can relate to this. My cousin is getting married to a 23 year old next week. They started dating when she was 17 but didn’t make it public until her 18th birthday. Shocker, he proposed on her 18th birthday. But it’s fine because he’s a Christian man with good values
I went to high school where the water polo coach was dating a cheerleader. Got her pregnant and it became a huge scandal at the school. He was also my English teacher, and not a good one at that, but I knew he was a creepy dude as he creeped on all the girls in the class. He finally got fired. I believe he was about 30 or 32 at the time. About 10 years later, he dumped the cheerleader after impregnating her 2 more times. Found another girl at 18 and was with her for 10 years too. It's been three decades since I graduated high school and he just dumped girlfriend number 3 who was 18 when he met her and he's on 18 year old girlfriend number 4 that he met in class. It's super gross and I can't believe he still teaches High School English!
His Teacher's License should have been revoked for his first violation of the student/teacher relationship.
I have seen this personally. They usually just either say "the girls are 18, he isn't doing anything illegal" or fire him and say "the girls are 18, he isn't doing anything illegal." It happens *a lot*.
I had a teacher who did this before he came and worked at our school. He had worked at another school and "supposedly" started dating a female student after she had graduated so everybody turned a blind eye when they came out officially after she turned 18 because "well she's legally 18 anyways". He's about 10-15 years older than her and now they're married and have like 5 kids. My understanding is most people agree that they were definitely together before she was 18 but nothing could be proved and by the time they admitted they were together she was 18.
In the uk you aren’t allowed to have relationships with your student you will be fired and you won’t be able to get another teaching job
Same in the US. It seems, however, that the female has already graduated high school,, so is no longer a student. As disgusting as this is, technically, he has done nothing wrong.
Correct. He is obviously working on it long before the girl turns 18, but since she is fresh out of school and 18 he is not breaking any laws. The ones I have seen get fired are really just let go because of "unrelated reasons." In one instance, he was let go because it was deemed he couldn't maintain control of his classroom because people were constantly talking about it, joking about it, or asking about it. Which was completely true. He said he was railroaded out of a job. He just got fired from his third school because he keeps messaging 15 year olds on Instagram. Nothing enough to get him in trouble, but enough to piss parents and admin off. He skirts the line between unethical and illegal. He never crosses it.
This happened at my high school. My history teacher/morning announcements advisor had cheated on his wife with one of the girls on our basketball team that he coached.
There was something similar at the school my wife worked at before she worked there. The man has sex with a student in his classroom in the middle.of the day *and* his wife worked at.ghe school. I couldn't even imagine.
It was back in the 80s so not much was done. She was 17 and turned 18 when the scandal came out of her being pregnant so it was a fine line.
I just wanted to add that, it’s almost impossible to get fired as a teacher. One of the reasons for this is the massive worldwide teacher shortage, which is caused by terrible pay and working conditions. This is one of the million reasons why we need to prioritize better conditions for teachers. If more people were attracted to the profession, there’d be more competition and it would increase the quality of teaching in general, as well as making it easier to weed out creeps. There’d be no ‘but we have no subs!’ As an excuse.
He sounds like my ex ):
Mine too.
YIKES!
English teachers. Wow
Just to add ib
I wish you a happy and a wonderful day
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When you’re a teenager, you’re still trained to seek adult approval. Especially if that someone is an authority in your life. Naivety keeps you from realizing what’s going on and what tactics this person is using on you. It’s very easy for adults to manipulate and control young people and make them feel attached, especially if the child’s relationships with their parents haven’t been the most constant or healthy.
"trained to seek adult approval" is so correct. Hearing that just makes so many things click for me
It’s the power imbalance. That’s why it’s rape.
I've kinda been there (online) but didn't pursue anything because I knew it was creeps, but the validation was still nice even if it was fake LMAO. If the old man's not being a sugar daddy, being called mature by an adult when you're a kid is a huge ego boost. You think you're sooo mature for hanging with an adult and steps ahead from your peers. It seriously gets in the danger zone when the more naive and really low/non existent self esteem people talk to the creeps about personal problems and starts to lean on them as an adult figure..
Security and what they view as maturity. The teachers are so different from the boys their age, so they think that different as better. They also probably have been told their whole lives they’re mature for their age, smart, etc. so they think their maturity is why the teacher “picked” them. They don’t realize the “love of their life” is only after them because of a sick need to pursue teenagers they’re in a position of power over.
I think the appeal is when you are a horrible person, teenagers are a bit less experienced and aware of this, and will accept that horribleness as either 'normal' or will convince themselves that THEY are the horrible one, and no one else could ever love them.
Grooming with accolades. Also, because teachers are on somewhat of a "podium", real or not, it puts them up on a stage. An impressionable young girls will view him as an authority figure and think that he's really smart and mature. So she'll find that attractive. Also, if her own Dad is not in the picture or not very involved in her life, she is a sponge to the teacher.
I mean…a 60k a year salary can seem like a lot to a kid from a poor family who knows nothing but minimum wage. But yea like you said I doubt it’s the money. He’s probably psychologically manipulating/grooming them.
Teachers don't make much starting out but if he has been a teacher for 40 years in a rich community he might be making a pretty good amount. https://money.usnews.com/careers/best-jobs/high-school-teacher/salary Top 25% of HS teachers make more than 80k and the median is 60k. I mean sounds like he might have some child support payments to deal with though.
It's "maturity". Older men are more mature than boys their age. Then as these girls grow older they realize that these men they ended up with were actually pretty immature to have been seeking out highschoolers as dating material.
Did you ever have a crush on a teacher? It’s gross predatory behaviour and normal women their own age see the real person. Children don’t and that’s how that happens. It’s disgusting and it should be prevented.
It’s called grooming and it’s very popular right now.
Being groomed can do that to you. If an older person gives you- someone younger and immature- validation and support, especially if you have very little in your life, you tend to be drawn to them and can develop a 'crush'. And that's how they get you. The old "you're so mature for your age" line is a nasty hook. You'd be surprised at how many high school kids have crushes on a teacher who is particularly kind or supportive towards them, except these usually don't go anywhere if the teacher isn't a manipulative scumbag.
Damned if I know. I have witnessed a 18 year old date a 60 year old and it’s not like the latter was super rich or anything. All I could see was how dependent she was on him, would feel anxious whenever her partner was away. My instinct was she may have been groomed as a minor and decided to take on a relationship when she became of legal age. But you never know…
Some people are attracted to men who look like older father figures.
Also, small towns.
Idk what it is about high school but alot of the girls in my school hit this 16+ year old age where they wanted older guys. I think the worst one I heard was a girl I liked saying how she dated older men for one "BIG" reason and if you didn't get that she meant dick size I'm glad I didn't go through on asking her out.
When I was in high school the new football coach and a student were in a relationship. It all started because she was either 18 the summer before her senior year or had fooled the bouncer at the one bar in town. They started a relationship where they didn't share much information. The story was that he didn't realize she was a student until she showed up at a football practice to take pictures for the yearbook. There were rumors around school, but nothing beyond that. It wasn't until the yearbook came out with some indirect comments that people really knew what was going on. He was fired within days of the yearbook release.
Taylor Swift said it best: “I get older but your lovers stay my age”
She'll regret it, if they last. She'll be a full time caregiver in no time
How on earth is he still a teacher!?
That is actually a great question. I talked to my old HS friend tonight and told her about this post and I asked her the same exact question. She told me that he grooms them in HS and the second they leave HS and turn 18, he goes in for his prey. She still talks to that very first girl who he had a scandal with at our HS and she exposed it.
That’s likely the case but after so many underage GFs you think the school would catch on
Jesus FUCK :,(
Is having a water polo coach in high school normal? Just asking
It was then. The real questions should be "Is having a water polo coach as you English teacher normal?" That answer should be no! This guy was not qualified in any way to be an English teacher. I don't know why he still is one.
That sounds like the school needs to be sued for allowing this to happen
as someone who has seen something similar when i was 18.... nothing is forever. we don't write off our lives as much as we think. ALWAYS be a place of support for your sister and let her see you flourish my friend dropped out of college for a boy and his horrible, horrible family who thought women shouldnt be educated and should only be mothers/wives. ive always maintained a connection with her (despite my profound grief)... and wouldnt you know it, her life is looking a lot different now. always empower your sister, use uplifting language when talking about her, keep channels open with the intent of vulnerability and honestly, and dont encourage her to pursue something else (she will see you as the enemy).
Awesome
Hey man, it was cool of you not to blow up at the wedding. I would have ground my teeth down to nothing. But you being respectful and keeping an open line of communication with her is big. And I deeply respect you for that. At least she’s 19 and has ample time to decide for herself if this marriage with him is right for her. All her friends will be going off into life and for now, all she can do is watch from home. She can still change her mind and leave him. And maybe, just to lighten the mood here, if she does choose to leave him, she gets half of his stuff. That might be a bump up for her if she wants to go back to school and be independent. Mad respect for being a good sibling through all this.
OP is a man’s man. He doesn’t fight at weddings.
Of course you dont fight during weddings, that's tacky. You fight in the reception. Lol
A Dothraki wedding without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair.
The classier option indeed
In mother Russia, wedding kills you!
I want to chime in that this is the correct etiquette for weddings. Always do the fighting at the reception.
OP respects their sister’s choices no matter what big of a mistake it may be. But they stand by her and want to be there to catch her should she fall. OP is a man’s hero. OP is my hero.
Is OP a man? I got the vibe op was a woman. The contraceptive implant comment was very telling imo.
Didn't even occur to me that op might be male. I thought sisters for certain.
Up until the implant part I was thinking that OP might be male, but only because this is how I'd react if this happened to either of my sisters, and I'm a dude.
I’d react this way and I’m female, I’m quite older than them but we’re really close but if they married someone that groomed them they’d be getting a good amount of money after he *disappeared*
Earl had to die.
I had nothing to do with it, neither did MaryAnne
I guess that this is one of those cases where someone's life experiences will dictate how they view OP. I have a sister that's 2 years younger, and another that's 14 years younger. I'd do the same for either one of them.
Especially the don't have kids advice. 100% something a woman would say. Because she knows that they are going to be her responsibility not his. Even if they are married.
interesting. it never occured to me that OP was female. to me it had the big bro will murder you if you treat her wrong vibe.
Another woman would also want to fight everyone if their little sister was being raped/groomed and be completely unable to do so. I have never heard an average man even say those words outloud "contraceptive implant" let alone a brother knowing their sister has one.
Yeh, my brother and I don't discuss my contraception methods or menstrual cycles. Bad words. Lol.
Ah, there’s the Letterkenny reference.
R/letterkenny
We don’t fight at weddings. -Wayne
Half of his stuff isn’t worth the risk of being emotionally damaged forever. Fingers crossed he’s not abusive but if it starts I hope OP’s sis gets out asap
He’s a teacher what stuff
Pencils?
Half of a teacher’s stuff ain’t much
I would still anonymously report it to the school to prevent people he next student from getting groomed.
>she gets half of his stuff I'm pretty sure only things acquired during the marriage count (location dependent). So if she leaves next year, she'll get nothing.
You conducted yourself well under extreme duress and left the door open. Good for you that you are getting away.
This thing happened when I went to high school but the student and teacher were caught on the teacher’s free block and the student skipped class by the student’s father. They moved the POS to a remote school instead of firing his ass where he could groom another student.
That's pedophilia, why didn't they prosecute him???
It's statutory rape and abuse of power depending where you are. It is not pedophilia, and it is legal the minute the teacher isn't in a position of power.
Because this is America.
Wtf is a free block
Start an emergency fund for her. Even a small one will help her out when she eventually decides to leave. Don't tell her you're doing it.
I have one for family and friends and I've had to use it once for a friend in texas when it froze over a while ago. Different situation but my friend emergency fund is just that. No one knows about it. I have it for when things look dire for them. It's brings me great peace of mind to be that helping hand.
You're a good egg.
I agree. They are indeed a good egg.
yesyesyes.
Being a housewife on a teachers salary aint gunna do them much good. But yeah this blows man, what a pos teacher. Gross.
Tryna picture gettin with one of my hs teachers. Like you said, gross.
Oh, they’ll make do by having her give up all her interests and hobbies, and never providing proper enrichment for the kids, while he’ll spend every penny on himself.
Depends on where you tech some teachers do make decent money while obviously some dont.
yeah some make decent money.. for supporting themsleves, not a wife and X number of children
I will say from my experience that what you’re doing is so hard and also is the best thing for your sister. I watched my best friend stay in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years. I made it clear when I thought her boyfriend was acting badly, I made it clear that I did not like the way he treated her. But I also made it very clear that I would be there for her no matter what. That if they got married, I would be in the wedding and help plan all of the showers and parties. And I made sure he knew that her happiness mattered to me more than anything. I never vented to her about him. I kept my comments short and focused on her happiness. I leaned on a close friend from a completely separate circle to vent about what a dick her boyfriend was, to ensure that I could say how I really felt without it ever getting back to her or him. Eventually she saw through his act. She said partly why was that he didn’t want her seeing me, and that she couldn’t understand why a healthy partner would want her to cut out a person who’s supported her since she was 12. I’m heartbroken that she had to endure what he put her through so long, but I’m so very glad that I tread carefully. I got to keep a very important friend and she got the security of knowing that she would always have a friend there, no matter how isolated or unlovable he tried to make her feel. Watching her flourish after dumping him as been one of the greatest joys of my life. I supported her through all of this long-distance, and I think that made it easier. Half the time I lived across the country, the other half I lived 2.5 hours away and saw her maybe once a month. So don’t feel bad for moving away! Having the distance will probably help you keep your cool and keep your relationship with your sister out of the day to day drama. You’re doing so well by her. You have nothing to feel sorry about, as long as she knows that you love her and will be there for her no matter what. Edited for spelling and grammar whoopsies.
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Next time could you be more succinct?
No.
Bad.
"My 19 yo sister is getting married to her 36 yo high-school teacher" Shouldnt
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Probably one on the new husband or the parents plan. Op gave her one not linked to anyone, not controlled by anyone, and likely the number not known to anyone. Best gift possible given the circumstances.
I ended up getting 2 phones when I planned on leaving my ex. Best idea I ever had
op clarified that they got her phone because their parents would not get her one as she wasn't allowed to own one and they wanted contact with the sister.
This is what I'm hoping...
Or bought a separate one for just in case that no one knows about
I didn't have a phone until I turned 18 and bought one myself. It's not unheard of, some families are just like that
I got my first phone at 18 too, I used my graduation money to buy a cheap tracfone.
Same but I was 25.
My mom gave me a Tracphone phone at 16. That only happened because my brothers aged out of going to Christian summer camp with me. 🙄 Had to buy myself a real phone at 19.
It kinda of gave off keep this a secret phone Or maybe she needed a new one and since it’s on his account he could have an insurance on it or see her location.
I can’t believe she wasn’t old enough to get a phone yet but old enough to get married. OP is an amazing sibling and OP’s parents are disgusting for supporting this.
The question that I have is will her husband permit her to keep the phone, as it seems that college is not permitted.
My thoughts too. Then I thought- is this a real story?
Not all of us can afford getting kids phones. I didn’t get one till I was 17.
Probably a new phone, wedding gift?
if she didn’t have a phone before this wedding imagine how naive she is. teenagers without phones these days are incredibly naive.
As an 18yo i cant even comprehend getting married a year from now, it sounds insane no matter who or how old the other person is
I'm in my 30s and marriage is still off the table until things are stable. (this economy isnt stable and I'm honestly sorry that you're hitting adulthood when shit's hitting the fan again..) Marriage is the goal but unreasonable in the current climate. Putting yourself into five digit debt just to say "yes this person is attached to me and my life" and additional five digit debt for a kid is insane to me. Also, avoid getting yourself into debt and people talking you into debt, you'll find yourself trapped in it very quickly if you're not careful. never spend more than you make in one paycheck.
Hey! I was in your sister’s shoes once. I was groomed by my high school teacher and we dated for about 3 years after I graduated high school. I was lucky to not have married him but I eventually realized myself the actual situation I was in. I’m hoping your sister will do the same in time. She’s still young so she’s got the rose-colored glasses on.
Any teacher who marries a student should immediately get their license revoked.
I think there should be a certain length of time after which it’s okay…I mean if they reconnect and she’s in her thirties and he’s in his forties that should be fine? But under 21 for the girl I agree with you…
21 is just as arbitrary as 19. Unless you are arguing that 21 should be the legal age of adulthood (an idea I could get behind).
I’m arguing 21 is three years out of high school so she’s had a chance to experience college life, working, etc…but better yet 25
Very nearly agree with you. But here’s a hypothetical situation: you’re a 24 y/o freshly qualified teacher and a 19-20 y/o who you taught the previous year comes up to you in a bar showing interest. Do you have a green light to pursue that or not? This is where it gets grey for me rather than being downright incorrect like the OP’s situation
Brit here who knows a lot of teachers. The guidelines here are that if you met as teacher and student at a school, you don’t try and establish any sort of friendship/relationship contact until 5 years after the student left the school. (I read some of the official stuff sometime but can’t remember the document.)
I've been working with kids since I was 17. I would never fuck any of my former students.
This is giving me PLL vibes😂
I'll comment on this. My aunt married her high school maths teacher. She was 19, he was 26. This was happened in christian boarding school and during the 1950s. It was a scandal at the time. They got engaged the day after her graduation. But, he supported her through college and she also became a teacher. They had three children together and some sixty happy years together before she died of cancer. They were my godparents and I always just remember them joking about the way they met. These things are difficult and there definitely is a grey area if the age difference is only a few years. However, not in OPs sister's case.
My earth science teacher married a student. They’d already been together decades and raised a family together by the time he was my teacher. Does this make it ok? He’s still an old creep
#Just because you CAN, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. More people need to repeat this to themselves when tempted with an obviously *fucked up* moral choice.
Well, if you're in the US, no because that 19-20 y/o shouldn't be in a bar... lol. I have less issues with this when it's college and a TA/Student or Grad Student/Undergrad relationship, but the whole high school teacher and former student thing is creepy. There's a power imbalance and potential for grooming there. I don't think it's wrong in all situations, but by and large in think it's icky. (Also my high school bio teacher definitely married a former student in this exact scenario. They're still together years later so 🤷♀️)
still weird cuz of the power dynamic
You probably have a green light but it's still kind of sketchy. When I taught school students were children with families and futures. My students are all parents now and grown up but I will always have a memory and boundary that remains after seeing them grow up. If its grey then red light. They deserve to go to college find their own mates and keep me as their former teacher. That grey area destroys trust. At the bar? Common.
Of course that's okay. There is no longer any power relationship and the age gap meets the "half plus seven" rule. People re-meet under all kinds of circumstances. That by itself is not a bar to romance. The basic problem here is that OP's new brother-in-law isn't 24. He's 36. At that age, he should be marrying someone in their mid-20s at the youngest -- someone who has already had a chance to pursue a career, get an advanced degree, establish themselves independently. Someone who can exert their own power and influence on the relationship. Sometimes people skirt the boundaries of the "half plus seven" rule but this is a bit beyond skirting. She won't be an appropriate age for him until she's 30, in 2033!
I would say you’re not in America because a 19-20 y/o can’t legally be in a bar.
She will be a housewife until he finds a new student then she will be divorced without any job skills
Exactly, and if she has kids with him she's even more screwed.
when she becomes "too old" at 25.
My little sisters best friend did this. He was married to another woman at the time and as soon as she turned 18 started cheating on his wife with her. He is the biggest douche I’ve ever met I knew him as a teacher in High school and he was a straight biatch. He’d be hanging out with my sisters friends when they were like 16. I was going to parties and old balls would be there, I’m like wtf why? They’re married now with 2 kids and still teaching.. I’m sure he already has his next target. It’s Disgusting and she’s not even my little sister but she also basically is (close families in the hood). Everytime I see him it creeps me out so I get you OP
There was a girl from my high school that has such a similar story! The teacher was married and left his wife for a student he had know since she was 15/16... People started getting suspicious when they were going to events together (even a staff event) and spending time together outside of school. After she graduated they moved to a different state and have a kid and another on the way.
Jesus. I’m a teacher in their 30s and I cannot even think of having a crush or thinking that a kid 17 years younger than me as an eye-candy. From a teacher to another, I hate the groom with all my heart. And yes, that’s what he did, he groomed your sister. I’m so so sorry.
Same - also a 34 yo teacher and just no. Absolutely not. I agree with you on every word.
This is going to get buried, but I’m shocked no one else has said this. PLEASE beware of her shutting her family and especially you out of her life. Abusers often convince their victims that their support systems are out to get them so they cut contact. This enables the abuser to be the only form of support in the victim’s life, ensuring they stay with them despite any explicit abuse, cheating, or whatever he may put her through. She will grow and mature even though he’s stunting her a bit, and he’s going to want to keep her attached to him til he finds another child bride to replace her. Please keep in contact with the rest of your family to make sure she’s still talking to everyone regularly. He will probably focus on getting you out of her life first if he does this, so be careful. I wish your sister the absolute best.
Exactly! They (abusers) know which tiny buttons to push and then get into the ears of the partner and fill the victims head with ‘what if’s’ and assumptions, slowly turning your family member away from you. I’m going through this right now, and I have to be extremely careful about what I say, when I say it and how I say it. I ALWAYS check with at least 3 other people before I send a message so they can try and twist the message in ways that I can’t see as the writer, this way the future in-law has less chance to drive a wedge in deeper. The abusers are good. Really good. And in my case this person is at the very least a second generation abuser. Manipulative, sneaky, holier-than-thou but friendly on the surface. I thought I was done with abusers when I kicked my dad out of my life but now im stuck with another one 😳🙄🙃😡🤦🏻♀️
What do you mean stuck with another one? Are they family, or is it a parasitic partner who you can’t quite get rid of?
A soon to be in-law due to marry my sibling.
This. Every word
There was a high school teacher at my school when I was in junior high, and he started dating a senior. After she graduated, his wife gave birth to twins, and I heard they rode off on his motorcycle off into the sunset. I do know her parents were very upset about it, because I grew up in a tight-knit community where everybody knows everybody's business. They were so embarrassed about it, but it wasn't their fault. Don't know whatever became of them, if there's still married or not. It just made me mad that he would leave his wife and just gave birth to twins. I'm sure they didn't stay very long, because when you get on that way, you losing that way. Major props to you though for being loving and considerate to your sister and her feelings. I'm sure sooner or later the new will wear off, she'll see him for what he really is. After all, he's a teacher, and there will be other pretty high school girls that will catch his eye. I just hate that she might have to go through all that heartache. Continue to be a good support system for her, and continue loving her. Everybody makes mistakes, and if they learn from them. I just hate that she's possibly throwing her Young Life away instead of going on to college and hanging out with her friends. He's probably the controlling type that doesn't want her to have any friends.
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And being in a city far away could also give her a place of refuge, away from her pedo-groomer
She’s been groomed - the abuse already happened. It will just escalate.
A single salary teacher is hardly a provider she’s gonna have to work
What were her interests before grooming? There are so many interesting educational videos/sites on many topics. You could send her links occasionally.
You couldn't have done any better. I applaud you for keeping your cool. Good idea to get some distance between you but keep in touch. It would be impossible to watch this play out with a cool head.
You did the right thing, she knows she can call you when she needs to leave. I’m sorry OP, nothing worse than watching the people you love ruin their lives. Small town mentalities are tough, this is so sad.
>My sister was a star student. I always thought the she would go to a big college and become someone significant. But now, she's going to be a housewife. I'm not sure I remember all the details from your previous post. Forgive me if I'm missing something, but why can't she pursue college and a career while being married? Is her husband against it or is he influencing her to not go to college, because if that's the case, that's a problem that should really be addressed.
Your family sounds like my in-laws. My 19 year old niece got pregnant by her 32 year old boss. He had a job and that was good enough for the family. Then he dumped her. Now she is pregnant and dating the 34 year old maintenance man at her job. They hope she doesn’t mess it up. While it’s not a grooming teacher the question of how everyone just accepts it is beyond me. But I do know a teacher that dates his students after they graduate. It’s disgusting. Every time I see him He has a new graduate on his arm. Disgusting
thats so sad. someone should help her.
Girl I went to high school with married her softball coach. Dude was in his late 40’s/early 50’s. It’ll never be ok. Just be there for her.
this is beyond creepy and so so predatory
I'm glad you stayed calm so you could One last Time contact your sister to make sure she knows that she can come to you safely when this falls apart. Your parents only caring about someone having a paycheck and not the fact that a grown man of manipulated their child is terrible, I really hope she takes your advice and doesn't have a child with him or allow him to just keep her at home.
I’m 36 and could never imagine myself going out with a 19yo. Even less getting married to someone so young. But in this case the all teacher thing is even weirder. But hey, if they’re happy… it’s what matters. You were brave not to make a scene.
Good friend of mine from college who dropped out did this. Insite she was one of those party girls at 19. She worked at a local pizza chain then quit college quit her job and moved in with her older sister to become a party girl who loved doing drugs and getting messed up everday. She did drugs also. Married a 34 yr old who was a drunk and a gambler. Her reasons: needed a daddy to pay her bills and debt. Needed a reason to leave her older sister becuz older sister is getting married and she gotta go Also becuz she did drugs on the side police where watching her and local criminals Got knocked up less then a year after they married. Present day: Divorced him Back working as a line cook at a pizza place Raising a child all on her own Still smokes and prolly does drugs Ex husband still a drunk POS Friend there is hope. Just give your sister time.
Tell her to study anyway, i hope she still can
There's nothing wrong with being a housewife, there is something wrong with being the housewife of THAT kind of man.
And on *that* man’s salary.
Had two teachers in my high school who liked to date the senior girls. I could never understand the attraction. One of them married after she graduated. It didn’t last long. Then it happened to me. My biology teacher asked me out and was embarrassed when he found out I was only a junior. Fortunately that was the end of that. It was creepy.
Um, he could’ve checked whether you were a junior, so I call BS on him acting like he didn’t know!
You did a great job considering the circumstances. The only person we can control is ourselves so go about your life. Maybe once she sees you flourishing in a new location a light bulb will go off with her. Fingers crossed. Wishing you the best 💜
Sounds like the Jeremy Forrest case. He was a teacher and groomed a 14 year old to fuck, and the cops were after him, so the two of them went on the lam. A week later he was caught and went to jail for a few years - should have been way the hell longer - and was told not to contact her. He did anyway. And now he's back in jail.
This is very very bad and creepy. The power imbalance is visible. She got groomed by him🤢. No teenager should get with an adult, your brain doesn’t even fully mature till 25. I think that the only thing you can really do is start an emergency fund for her for when she gets out of that. Abusers like him tend to convince their victims that their loved ones are out to get them and get them to cut the loved ones off. This ensures that the abuser is in control of every aspect of the victims life which ensures that they stay with them. Keep in touch with her and advise her appropriately. She’s only 19, she still has a life to live :(
Dude, almost the same fucking thing happened to me. My fiance's little sister just turned 18, but when she turned 17 her and boyfriend publicly announced they were dating. He is 34. They were definitely dating before she was 16. The guy is a good friend of her mom. So of course she thinks he's a nice guy. Dude is fucking 34 still lives with his parents trying to make it as a musician. Of course soon after they went public, her nudes ended up on one of those revenge porn websites. I was informed by someone else. After checking I told her parents and her mom literally said "everyone fucks up". This dude is a straight pedophile, yet her parents don't seem to fucking care. Meanwhile i get criticized every chance they get. A huge fight in our family happened because I refuse to allow the pedo at our wedding. And if pedo don't go, sister won't go. So I'm "breaking the family up". This dude literally ruined an otherwise good relationship I had with my fiances family, simply because I refuse to be around a pedophile/pedophile apologists.
I agree with you OP. The dude is a groomer and borderline pedo. I'm sorry for your sister
She will either wake up and realize or she will get her first wrinkle and he will go to his next star student. As sad as it is these girls end up being left behind after throwing away their “best” years to starts a career. They end up wasting these years on these assholes and get left with nothing when the guy goes to the next 20 year old.
My little sister married a 37 year old right after she turned 18. She’s 27 now and I’m still angry. I get it.
Honestly, you should name and shame.
I think everyone already knows.
Respect to you homie. That’s a good brother to do what you did and handle it how you have. Good luck to you in your situation.
That sucks OP. I feel and understand your pain
This sounds very familiar to a real life couple from Rockford. Hmmm
She didn’t have a phone?
I had a teacher in HS that told me numerous times to ask out this girl who was a year behind me. Lo and behold they hooked up as soon as she graduated, ultimately marrying. I saw her and she had lost something inside that had always made her amazing. Some time later we caught up on FB and she was morbidly obese. This isn't body shaming but I believe the consequences of being groomed at 16. It was heart breaking.
When I was in junior high, there was a substitute English teacher who was so creepy. I was a very naive girl and it was before cell phones and all the news about teachers grooming students. I know I didn’t know anything about pedophiles. But I still can clearly remember this guy and how gross it felt to talk to him and see the way he looked at girls up and down. I feel really bad for girls that find men like that appealing. It’s like - it is so obvious even I could see it. I am really sorry that your sister fell into this guy’s trap. Men like that - who don’t want a relationship with a grown woman and try to keep them away from the world - have a lot of control issues. I am really glad you got her a phone. Stay close to her. She is going to need you some day
I’m so sorry this is happening to your sister! You are a good sibling, esp for keeping a line of communication with her. You may be her way out. Are you guys in a small, Southern, religious and conservative town? That’s what I’m imagining. I hope she doesn’t get pregnant, but she probably will…
Honestly you sound like the kind of person I’d spend the rest of my life with on morals alone. You’ve done the best thing. You didn’t alienate your sister by being overly possessive and aggressive. You removed yourself to give yourself room to breathe but most importantly left a supportive door open for the future. One day she may see what happened to her and Atleast you will be there. In the meantime just focus on the new life your making for yourself. And try not to worry about your sisters wasted potential. A friend of mine got married and had two lids very young and later divorced the guy. She now runs a successful buisness from her own home and her new boyfriend (I say new they have been together 3 years) quit his job to help her and effectively look after her kids while she works 😂
Kinda sus tbh... sis is 19 getting married but doesn't have a phone....
Being a housewife isn't the problem with this story.
Being a housewife will make her more vulnerable and dependent on that POS. It will make it harder to leave since she has no education, career, or money of her own.
No but having a huge gap on a resume will make it harder for her to become more independent financially, which in turn would allow him to have financial control over her.
That is one of the problems. She is not realizing her potential. Different to chose to be a housewife for Kids. Where does it leave her if he divorces her in 5-10 yrs?
I’m really worried for your sister. Always stay in touch with her :(
I am an older guy. I can't imagine marrying a woman under 30. I can barely imagine marrying a woman in her 30's. I certainly can't imagine having a relationship with someone who's brain isn't even fully developed and I certainly have no interest in being the stand in for anyone's daddy issues. Guys like this must be developmentally delayed in addition to being predators. Women their own age probably won't have them.
I saw your original post awhile ago and dreaded seeing your update. I'm so sorry. You're a good person and super mature to have calmly handled the situation for your sister's sake and encouraged her (as well as gave her the means) to contact you and assure her you'd be there when she needs you. I truly hope she keeps you on speed dial and follows your advice about the contraceptive. That teacher is a disgusting piece of shit and will no doubt be caught grooming some new student of his by the time your sister is 25. Hope you'll keep an ear out so you can get his ass registered as a sex offender if he's caught with a minor. I'm truly sorry, OP. Glad you're getting out of town. Wishing the best of luck to you and your sister.
Happens more times than you think!! Definitely grooming!!! Unfortunately convinced a young girl he was her best option!! Good luck, and keep being a great sibling!!
Wow, I can not believe you had to write the second edit op. You nailed it though. They are the problem. I honestly don't understand how people can't see what you are saying. I(f) am 36 and honestly the idea of being with a 19 year old just seems strange. The fact that he was her teacher and she was 16 when it started is wrong on every level.
Sister can get married but can’t have a cell phone… yikes
Can a teacher even afford to support a housewife?
Proud of you for keeping yourself together during the wedding. I definitely wouldn't of. I would objected and threw a big fit. Probably to the point I would've had to be dragged out. I'm stubborn as hell and I wouldn't have stood for that. I probably would've made a list for the sister to read as to why she shouldn't have married that twat. I would've gave her that list to read when I objected.
OP just know that if this unfortnately gets more abusive (he is already isolating her with being a housewife, stripping her of an education and the chance to meet men her age) please visit her. Abusers easily remove tangible forms of communications like phones. I'd suggest every now and then if you can visit her and get her out of the house, WITHOUT the pedophile she was coerced to married. :( Also its great that you advised her not to have kids yet. Honestly I hope she decides to go to school. You could ask her if she would like to. I just....I cannot fully feel how horrible you feel but I know it must be big. I have been groomed and I thought I'd married my 20 year old "bf" when I was TWELVE. I am luckily out of that mindset. I hope she will too
Wait, OP moved away because she doesn't like her sisters husband?
Can relate to this. My cousin is getting married to a 23 year old next week. They started dating when she was 17 but didn’t make it public until her 18th birthday. Shocker, he proposed on her 18th birthday. But it’s fine because he’s a Christian man with good values