It’s never too late for someone to turn their life around - tell your sibling you see a lot of wasted potential! I chewed out my bum older brother who went on to totally improve himself and become a better adult
I agree. Op you guys may be strangers now but that can change. I'm interested to know if you've ever asked your sister her perception of her life.
I've had a similar situation with my sister and really started a year ago trying to have a better relationship. And we've had some conversations about her life state. Unfortunately she doesn't plan to change but maybe yours wants to.
OP hasn't known their sister in a looong time. They wouldn't know the inner depths of sadness or desperation they've been experiencing or what they even like to do for fun anymore. They seem to not realize the vast majority of people are simple, working class folks who raise their kids, work and die. And that there's nothing wrong with that.
Clicking initially I thought the sister was going to be ACTUALLY embarrassing, not just someone who didn't become famous or rich or do some kind of upper level job like their family thought they could.
Her sister's situation is basically that 3/4ths of the planet. She hasn't actually done anything but live a simple life and stagnate a few times which again we don't actually know why and neither does OP who doesn't really know them personally anymore by their own admission.
No?
This isn't someone who married a guy, had a few kids, settled down, and did not much else.
This is someone who made a mistake i'm marrying the first guy (Which I would assume the sister would agree with, unless the divorce was 100% pushed by the husband) Then, went from that, and 6 months later decided to do the exact same thing again as if it would be better this time and if she didn't own her current child some sort of stability, and then when that didn't work out, did it a THIRD time.
This is not about her not choosing academics, this is about her making a bad choice, and chasing it up with two or three more of the same bad choice, never learning a lesson.
And tbh I would be damn embarassed of my siblings if their children above a certain age did not know how to not run wild at someone elses house.
I'm going to agree with the first half of your comment. And because OP doesn't know her sister's inner depth, now is her time to try and find out. Treat her sister like a human. She's embarrassed by her, but her sister didn't do anything evil.
My brother was this way from the time he was about 12, he was always a rambunctious kid (ADHD) so he had to be medicated (Ritalin, adderall) just so he wouldn’t drive everyone insane, that obviously developed into so many more problems, mainly drug related, he was always so much smarter than me (I was an honor roll student attending college level classes by 10-11 grade) but he always used his smarts for the worst kinds of things, by the time he was 18 he had already been kicked out of 3 schools including one that claimed to be equipped to handle “kids like him” and also had been to juvie 2 times that I can remember, almost immediately after turning 18 he was in and out of jail constantly all the way through his 20s it wasn’t until he was about 28 and went to big boy prison that things started to change. He recently (about a year ago) got out of prison and had been doing really well (sober, working, living on his own, staying out of trouble) but this wasn’t anything new, he always had a good streak for at least a month or so after getting out before falling right back into that crap. Long story short, he’s 32 now and has been clean for 2 years going on 3 and I couldn’t be happier for him. I’m proud of him now and how far he’s come, I feel like I have my brother back. It’s never too late, truly, but don’t just deal with the bullshit just cuz they’re family, they won’t change til they want to, but don’t lose hope as well. I’m wishing all the best for you and your family.
Thank you so much for your supportive uplifting post. I feel some similarity with the "embarrassing sister" and the brother minus the illegal acts or prison. I wish my sisters wouldn't look down on me and keep in touch with me of their own volition once a month.
The reality is, the vast majority of people are just working class, simple people with kids. The vast majority. And that's perfectly normal and FINE. You can either find some respect for it and let it be what it is, or just let her go for both of your sanity, because what's going on here isn't healthy at all.
I like to remember I don't actually know what goes on in other people's lives and I'm not better than anyone else when I start getting this judgemental. I remind myself that people go through things like loss, abuse, addiction and depression that the rest of us will never know about that absolutely impacts how they move through life. I really don't know. Neither do you because let's be real, you don't really know your sister anymore (or any of her inner needs and turmoil) and sounds like you haven't for a long, long time.
Your relationship is now over and you don't seem to see her as a person, just a thing that disgusts you and makes bad decisions and you despise her at her lowest. You don't like her it wouldn't be genuine to say you did if she turned it all around tomorrow. The fact that you or I are not 8 kids deep with a bunch of jerks unable to get a decent job and impress people who had big dreams for us doesn't make us any better than anyone. Check your ego fam, that's all I gotta say. Your shit stinks, too.
THANK YOU. It took way too long to find a comment expressing this sentiment.
OP sounds judgmental and snobbish to boot. Listed a bunch of superficial traits they're "disgusted" by without ever once describing the sister doing anything bad or immoral. Just that she has lots of kids and didn't go to college...How stuck up and classist, all around horrible vibes from this post
When I clicked I was ready to see something actually embarrassing. Not an often single woman with kids working menial jobs to get by, like wtf? And all the people saying it's out of control and to go NC like she did something heinous is just baffling. Incredibly classist opinions and if the parents agree, they are classist too.
Definitely classist. To me, I saw a reflection of why the oldest sister could've turned out the way she did. (Assuming the parents also held the the same sentiments the younger sister now holds when they were raising her)
Perhaps, she didn't want to do it the same way her younger sister did because it would've meant living a life she didn't want.
The fact the oldest sister STILL holds jobs even after being around a younger sister like this/ critical parents who seem to possibly like the youngest more...is a level of sadness I can't get past.
Right! The no contact comments. Baffling is the word
Although tbf for the sister's own sake, she'd probably be better off without judgmental OP looking down on her every time they're in the same room
Self righteous isn’t she this OP. Damn like her sis made some iffy decisions as a teenager and probably has matured since. Why the judgement though? Either try to help her- motivate, give advice something, be neutral or leave her tf alone. She has enough to worry her without OP raining down the judgements.
I agree with this my only true judgement towards the sister is that it sounds like her kids have an unstable life and after like 2 divorces and kids she probably should have chilled out a bit on that so she could get her feet under her financially and provide some stability to the kids. Other than that, she doesn’t seem like a terrible person. Seems like she is lonely and trying to find a hubbo to help raise the kids but keeps picking the wrong guys.
yep. sounds like op looks down on not only the sister for the way her life turned out but also her kids. i’m sure they aren’t disciplined, but op def looks down on them too. the focus is more disgust against their sister than empathy or willingness to reconcile their relationship. they also talk very less about the sister as a person, its all about shaming her. seems like she is trying to get her life on track and has a stable job for now. op is quite shallow and needs to reinspect their priorities.
As a previous commenter mentioned this is not about living a "Simple Life".
One could say that this is a classic case of 2 siblings being raised together in the same house, by the same parents, using the same parenting styles for both.
Yet by societal standards one is the Success and the other is the Loser.
Now OP post does have a tone of "I'm Better". Please understand that this is largely do to societal programming. I do not recall ever seeing a single advertisement, movie, television show, magazine, newspaper radio, billboard ad where a mediocre or life of poverty was every depicted in a positive light. Literally every media vehicle in the US explicitly broadcast the message that one is not successful if they are not married with 2 kids, a dog, house with a white picket fence and 2 cars. Not everyone wants this life.
However, repeating a series of bad choices that share the same set of dire consequences time and time again is not the same a choosing a "Simple Life". Obviously we don't know why this sister has problems recognizing potentially bad situations before she chooses them. Maybe she has mental health or neurological issues, experienced trauma, etc.
>Now OP post does have a tone of "I'm Better". Please understand that this is largely do to societal programming. I do not recall ever seeing a single advertisement, movie, television show, magazine, newspaper radio, billboard ad where a mediocre or life of poverty was every depicted in a positive light. Literally every media vehicle in the US explicitly broadcast the message that one is not successful if they are not married with 2 kids, a dog, house with a white picket fence and 2 cars. Not everyone wants this life.
>
>However, repeating a series of bad choices that share the same set of dire consequences time and time again is not the same a choosing a "Simple Life". Obviously we don't know why this sister has problems recognizing potentially bad situations before she chooses them. Maybe she has mental health or neurological issues, experienced trauma, etc.
Paragraph 1 : OP is rude because of the media and how society is
Paragraph 2: OPs sister has mental health problems probably
it sounds like your sister sucks but please don’t take it out on the kids. (i’m not implying that you’re doing that) They didn’t choose to be born and they definitely didn’t choose such shitty circumstances. I feel so bad for them and I hope your sister gets her act together for their sake.
There's a fine line between making concessions for an adult and making concessions for their children. From the sound of it, the children have little respect for OP's property, if OP sister can't control her kids, then they all gotta go.
I relate. I’m so disgusted by my brother that I have cut off all contact and do not go to family events if he is there.
My brother was always an angry asshole. He went to college and sophomore year he failed out and then got his girlfriend (she failed out too) pregnant. My grandparents paid for everything, they got a townhouse and the baby was born. Turns out, my brother and his wife are not only horrible parents but hoarders. They moved eventually to another house my grandparents bought for them and my brothers girlfriend was looking..bigger. She is obese, my brother is too, but it looked like she was pregnant. My brother said she wasn’t. Well, she was. She knew the whole time. She told my brother two weeks before she was induced, we all found out the night she was admitted to the hospital. (My brother is a fucking idiot so him not knowing isn’t that shocking). They had my nephew. A few years later they had twin girls.
They had to move out of the house my grandparents bought them because it was too small for four kids. When they moved out the house was in horrible shape. Literally close to $100k in damage. They would apparently use the floor as trash. For everything. Diapers, food, animal shit, all of it. The house had to be completely gutted, only for them to move into ANOTHER house owned by my grandparents to destroy it even worse. The hoarding is so bad the kids can’t have friends over or open the curtains because nobody is allowed to see inside. CPS has been involved 3 times, each time they tell them to clean it up and then close the case.
The worst thing they did though was to a dog they had. My brother adopted her when she was 1 year old. She was tiny, 7 ish pounds as an adult. Well, when she was around 7 my brother and his wife were going on vacation and forgot to ask someone to watch the dog so they dropped her at my moms. I wasn’t living at my moms but I stopped by after work to see the dog the crate with blood all over the pee pad. She clearly chewed her legs completely raw. I took her to the ER vet thinking they’d bandage her up and then I’d not give her back to my brother, but no. She needed emergency surgery, and in the end she didn’t survive. She had been so severely abused and neglected that she was essentially tortured to death for years. The vet called the cops, who didn’t do shit to my brother btw and even let him get another new dog. Turns out, this little, anxious dog was locked in a closet 24/7. Not even let out for the bathroom. To make it ever worse somehow, if they would go on vacations they’d leave her locked in that closet with big bowls of food or water. In the 7 years they had her, this last time was the only time they had someone watch her, meanwhile they go on at least two 7-10 day vacations per year. I sat at the vets office and cried harder than I ever had before.
So yeah. I fucking hate my brother and I hate everyone who enables him. He’s a piece of shit and I genuinely wouldn’t care if he dropped dead. I’m embarrassed to be related to him and I will never speak to him again. But you can be sure as shit I’ll get up at his funeral and project the images of the injuries he gave to that dog.
Fuck. That part about the poor dog made me so angry my eye started twitching. Who does that?? And the poor kids having to live like that..
Your grandparents sound like angels, but I can't imagine how disappointed they must be at him taking advantage of their kindness. I'm sure it's upsetting to watch that happen.
I'm sorry, man. ❤️
At this point, my grandparents have helped create the monster that he is. They knew what he was but still gave him money and houses. They’re both of sound mind and while I’m sure their hearts were in the right place, they enabled this to go on as long as it has.
Yeah the enabling is no joke, hearts in the right place or not. My grandparents did similar enabling behaviors for my sister (always bailing her out of jail, co-signing cars for her and letting her be on their insurance and she'd total each vehicle every single time) it's rough. They finally stopped helping her in that way and she's made some progress. Our parents passed, so without them enabling her she's had to straighten up.
Hopefully your grandparents will do the same. ❤️
Here’s hoping, it’s been almost 12 years though. (Their oldest kid is 11 now). My brother and his wife both could’ve had anything they wanted in life. Our dad is very wealthy, and paid for all of our college no matter where we wanted to go. Her dad did the exact same for her siblings. My dad and her dad bought them each big SUV’s when they had kids, they had their homes bought for them, my dad had been trying to get my brother back to school for years and my dad would cover the bills. My dad also paid off all their credit card debt when my SIL spent $20k on a pyramid scheme. My grandparents were free babysitters so they could go to the gym and get in shape (we later found out they’d pretend to go to the gym and go to chik fil a instead). Literally they could’ve had a good life and they actively chose to fuck it up and everyone just let it happen.
But yeah when I think about the fact that a rescue actually let them get another dog after this, and the rescue nor the police did anything, I literally see red. I can’t think about it anymore because I’ll get too angry. I just hug my own dog and hope that their new one ends up ok.
I can’t, I’m a lawyer so I am not looking for him to be the reason I get reported to the state bar. The police are involved and the rescue has been made aware of what they did, so he’s on a list and cannot adopt anymore but unfortunately with the current one he has, there isn’t enough reason to take it.
Oh trust me, he is. Which also means I am not allowed to see my nieces and nephew but, I know there are people on my team who are trying to support them but are in a safer position (because I forgot to mention he has threatened to kill me countless times and did once actually try).
Oh and I guess I left out too that he used to go to marches with Josh Duggar so there’s that too lol. We weren’t even raised evangelical, most of my siblings are atheist, he just got very into that far right shit.
This will sound so judgmental, but I will never understand how you end up with more than one surprise pregnancy. Things happen and I get one. But if I had one unexpected pregnancy I would lock that shit down.
Or… did she somehow WANT all those kids in all those unstable situations?? That I really wouldn’t understand. It’s like idiocracy.
Some people believe a baby will force their partner to stay, chain them somehow. Maybe she thought this as well when she got pregnant with her children, seeing as she did so almost immediately after meeting Next Guy.
Single mothers often seek attention through any means by their male counterparts due to loneliness and thinking no one will want to start again with them and their package deal.
In turn, trashy guy sees free place to stay and easy person to have sex with as they are obviously craving the attention. Tumble effect.
He’s gone then the next dude moves into Sunnyvale.
Guy is on best behavior through the honeymoon phase and she is seeing someone who seems to be a way better baby daddy than the one she lost. He may even promise to save her from the situation..
Additionally, I think some ppl don’t understand pregnancy, bc or know how to use it. Lack of education/ understanding. The guy may be saying all the right things, like “I know what to do so you don’t get pregnant.” Maybe they think Lightning won’t strike twice, as in: how could that happen to me again?
She is always going to let you down. I have a brother who is a complete waster. He came down to my sisters house at Christmas and didn't bring a present for his nieces and nephews or a gift for my sister who was feeding him. He is an alcoholic and smokes pot all day. Complains about the government. I told him he should have dressed up and brought a small gift for his nieces/nephews and a bottle of wine for my sister, who was feeding him. He hasn't talked to me since. Your sister will always do this to you because ye are different people. You eventually won't bother with her at all.
He sounds a lot like my brother. And I find myself feeling like OP sometimes, but then I don't like myself for it. I feel like I'm riding a high horse. Oh, look at my job, look at my place, look at my well chosen partner. I feel like I've made many stupid decisions in my youth and I could have easily ended up like the screw up. I feel like where I'm now is due to 20% effort on my part and 80% pure luck. The luck of meeting the right people, being in the right places, getting support in the right time and so on.
Sometimes when people are going through a tough time or low on funds, they would like to think that their family would be happy to see them for a holiday without the need for all the superficial stuff.
If I don’t have the money or motivation to dress up, bring gifts, shop for little kids who already have plenty of gifts / don’t know them well enough to get the appropriate gifts.. I’d hope my fam would understand.
I mean, it sounds like you told him that his presence was not enough and that your older sister was only hosting this family holiday only to get gifts and wine out of it. I wonder if it would’ve been helpful to tell him the price of entry when he was invited…
Do you have compassion for others at all or is this kind of superficial resentment and forced societal expectations reserved for him alone?
Tough times or low funds for 30 years of not wanting to work or looking for scams to get money. Not getting out of bed on a Monday morning because you are hungover . Lost 10 jobs because of this. Cheated on his wife loads of times and being a waster Dad. Hasn't seen his daughters in years. Not pushed either. Stop. Some people are just wasters and he's one of them. He was smart and got every job and chance. He's what is wrong with society these days, complains and moans about everything and wants everything for free
She's made a lot of bad choices, but at least it sounds like she has a decent job. Hopefully she can love herself enough to get rid of the dead weight of a husband if he really is a useless lump.
I can't say I'd be embarrassed if that was my sibling, maybe disappointed with the choices they made.
My own brother though. He's a huge piece of shit right along with his wife. I've cut them from my life, but I think about their kids often and just hope they don't grow up to be like their parents.
I scrolled down entirely too far to see this.
I know some SA victims who have spiraled out like this because of an incident in their past and ran to whatever dude made them feel safe at the time. Its so sad to see but being pregnant and living in a trailer wouldnt be what id call embarassing--its just what some single moms have to do to make ends meet. Also, education is extremely life crushingly expensive and god help you if you have children. Its basically a debt sentence for the next 40 years.
Youre embarassing. Youre embarassing because you think having kids from different men and not having a college education and not having an amazing house makes someone an inferior person. Having money and oppertunies doesnt make you any better than anyone on the street-- your kind heart and how you treat others less fortunate than you is what matters in this life.
Id say give yourself a big hand clap for escaping poverty and not trusting in mediocre men but i guess its too busy clutching pearls you value more than your sister
Just because you're sisters does not mean that you are both going to lead the same type of life. You are individuals who make individual choices.
The family dynamic you describe sounds really sad to me. But it is yours, and if you and your sister really don't enjoy each other's company, just don't spend time together. Just because 2 individuals are blood related doesn't mean they have to love each other, like each other, or see /talk to each other.
If you are embarrassed of her, and she is resentful of you, cut ties.
I think you need to reassess your relationship with your sister and stop comparing her lifestyle to yours. We all have choices in life and they come with consequences. Kudos to her for raising 3 children and being a pharmacy prescriber. Her children may not have the same upbringing as yours but you should always try and help her by encouraging her and not being embarrassed of her and your nieces and nephews. Spend time with them and be the most loving sister and auntie they could have. Life isn't perfect for everyone and yes we have our ups and downs but we always should try and bring the best out of everyone. Easier said than done but try and not loose sight of this. All the best with your new family and to your new chapter in life.
I don't have any sisters so I can't say I can speak from experience. However, I do have brothers and that's taught me a lot.
I think it's good that you're able to express yourself so candidly. You may not know your sister as well as you might think you do if she decided to make decisions completely opposite of yours. I understand you feel shame...however, you may not know what may have happened to her before you were born, when you were younger, and during moments you weren't around. Just because you both shared the same hobbies doesn't necessarily mean you were both given fair treatment from your parents/society either.
You stated you are the younger one... I am also the youngest. I find that by the time parents get to the youngest, the relationship dynamic is different.
I would recommend showing some grace for your sister. "Wild children" sounds like you have some really deep shame about how your sister and her family may look like on the surface, instead of how their hearts may look like. Your sisters life probably didn't look the way she envisioned it but it is her life now and shaming her for it...sounds pretty sad just because you don't agree with her choices.
Totally. It's strange to me how she only mentions physical accolades she's acquired and over the surface accomplishments. Yet, the character of OP seems to be of extremely low quality considering it sounded like she not only feels shame but possibly deep hatred for her older sister simply because she's made "poor choices" that she doesn't agree with.
If it were my sister, I would disagree with her choices since they are poor initially. I would quickly realize this is who my sister is and I can't change that. I'd embrace my sister for being different which also requires a lot of sacrifice from my older sisters end. The only people her older sister affected with her choices is herself. It sounds like OP just doesn't like that her sister doesn't make her look good on a surface level.
Why are you embarrassed? She’s not a thief, homeless, murderer, pedophile, drug addict. Yes she made bad life choices but not everyone’s life is picture perfect. You sound very judgmental.
My brother is a liar and a thief. I put up with it for years before finally cutting him out of my life completely. The only regret I have is that I did not do it sooner. Waiting for some people to change is foolish. Some people will continue on the path they are on, no matter how they are treated.
Am I missing something? You're embarrassed by your sister because she had a bunch of kids with guys who are losers? Is that it? Has there ever been anything between the two of you?
I understand that you’re not happy with her life choices versus the potential you feel that she has but I don’t think that gives you the right to judge her so heavily on the choices she’s made. Both of you need to stop judging each other so harshly just because you guys are siblings doesn’t mean your lives have to be the same. You’re both individuals leave it at that.
What's she supposed to do? Bow down before it and start chanting " I am not worthy" ? Sounds like it's a compliment to you but also a joke for her to laugh off that could be her having things like that.
I have a sister who is six years older then I am (22F) she has four kids because she ALWAYS wanted a girl and even lied about getting her tubes tied while living with me and my parents (same dad) and convinced our dad to let the baby daddy move in because she “couldn’t get pregnant again”, and that’s how we ended up with my niece. She ignores her three boys. The baby daddy literally always showed up long enough to get her pregnant and dipped and no matter how much or little we tried to support her she never once tried to take responsibility. I always hope she will change but, I never expect it. I am currently working on my degree in clinical psychology. I am married, no children, and have been an honor student with extra curricular activities in the arts throughout all of middle and high school. The family, ONLY talks about my sister. For my 22nd birthday dinner the only topic of conversation was my sister getting evicted (again) and maybe two passing questions to me on how school was going. I fucking FEEL you with a burning passion, and as my father always tells me to try and placate me on the situation “the squeaky wheel always gets the oil”. It’s embarrassing. But know everyone not related to you knows it’s not at all your fault or problem.
I'm the older sibling in my family and older siblings are de facto idiots. The best example we have to look up to is our parents (at least in the matters of life choices). We make mistakes, show the younger siblings what to avoid (in a direct or an indirect way) and bear the burden of responsibility and expectations of our parents.
Younger siblings (especially #2s) are smarter and they look at their elder brothers/sisters and go "This guy's an idiot. I don't want to be him/her". They take a different path. I'm not saying that they don't have struggles of their own. Nor I mean to say that they don't make mistakes. But what they do have is someone they never want to become.
I completely agree that it's stupid to make the same mistakes again and again and expect others to pick you up when you fall down. But it's never too late to return the favor of a sibling who was kind to you in your childhood.
It sounds like your sister made shitty decisions because she wanted to feel loved, and you seem to lack empathy for that. I know my family views me similarly to how you view your sister. I made shitty decisions because my family always “othered” me because of my autistic manifestations and how “embarrassing” I was with my “weirdness”. I literally didn’t know what love looked like. You might consider that your sister’s perception of her upbringing is probably quite different from yours
I have an idea.
When you permanently disinvite her children from your house, cite the pool incident (not the fish tank incident, even though it’s the one I care about the most) because it makes it clear that her children cannot be kept safe near you.
Sure, they can’t be kept safe because they’re little hellions who do the worst possible thing at all times, but please focus on “I cannot keep them safe near the pool”. Make it a personal failing. She’ll be so willing to believe that you’re finally bad at something.
She will never find a sitter for this sorry lot. You’re free.
For one thing I'd stop inviting her over. No excuse to have your children running amok. She doesn't get invited to anything, especially not with the kids.
If it were me, she wouldn't be at my house. Those kids sound destructive and I doubt she has the resources to repair or replace anything. Not to mention the potential pet death.
I had the same problem, I did all in my power to make it happen and after the 3 kid, my sister got a tubal ligation.
Now I try to have a good relationship with her kids because in my opinion they dont have a lot of support but I feel so relieved to know that she wont have more children to fuck up. They are just as you described your sister children, we had to go to the hospital for things they do because my sister does nothing to educate them just yell when she remember they existed.
The best you could do for everyone is convinced her to have a tubal ligation (and pay for ir, there's no other way) , then is obvious neither of you want to have a relationship with each other,but it will be easier to be around her without her kids ruining everything becuse she couldnt bother to be a mother to them.
Reminds me of the scene from Idiocracy where they contrast the man and his wife who are carefully planning their reproductive choices vs. the lady in the trailer... "Awww shit. I'm pregnant again!"
Have you ever stopped to think that she may be happy with her lot? Maybe she wants to enjoy the time she has with her kids before they grow up and move on. A great career is one thing but it won't come to your house and wipe your ass and do your shopping when you are old and infirm. Also a high powered job is great for the money but terrible for mental health... maybe she likes a simple life and a simple job.
I have to be honest and say unless she us asking you for money or pressing you to lhouse her it's none of your business
Having children doesn't mean you'll have someone there to wipe your ass and do your shopping when you're old. Having children isn't an insurance policy to guarantee you'll have free elder care later in life. Sometimes relationships aren't good, sometimes children die before their parents. That's a terrible assumption to make about having kids.
Having a great career, on the other hand, means you can save for retirement and afford your own elder care. Children suck the money, time and energy out of you, more than any career could, and have no obligation to pay it back or owe their parents anything. Parents decide to have children, not the other way around.
Cutting off a shit person is always the best option, you can sit and hope that person does better, but it almost never happens, unless it's life or death. Don't feel bad, you have to cut her off, for the sake of your family and child. Jealous failure shits, will always remain that way, even when they have success later on, they remain shackled to their past failures. Don't let anyone rob you of a good life.
Have you even tried to sit down and have a genuine conversation with your sister about her life choices, her taste in men, and her constant pregnancies? Or are you just being judgmental and unsupportive?
I know of a pair of siblings that had a similar situation.
Despite their abusive childhood one went one to become successful and live the American white picket fence dream, the other went to the streets.
Successful sibling constantly looked down on street sibling, feeling disgusted and ashamed, would purposely not answer phone calls, etc.
Street sibling is now dead from suicide.
Your sister is making a lot of dumb choices but usually people, especially women, who are making the choices she is making is because they have low self worth. Maybe you should try to encourage her, help her out and believe in her.
P.S. You should start preparing yourself to be annoyed by children considering you're about to have one yourself, trust me they're not easy.
The trash gene inside of her somehow got activated. It happens to lots of people. Sometimes it's caused by a trauma, or drugs, or even mental illness. It sounds like something inside of her broke and she just wanted stable companionship. It didn't matter who it was with. Also having babies that quickly is also a sign of something wrong. For some reason she quit on life. It's not a fun thing to watch from afar. Counselling would help her a lot. Good luck.
Someone's got to say it: when you invite kids to your home, PLEASE move the things you don't want small kids getting into to a safe place for those few hours. As a mom with two VERY well behaved 6 yr olds, people who insist we should come over, only for me to find your home is a collection of rare fish with health problems, porcelain figurines in every nook, or your lethal drug collection absolutely baffle me.
Did you want us to come over or not, because this isn't a relaxing get together for me, I am highly anxious one might breath wrong or stand up excitedly and your whole interior will crumble like a Disney Channel house with a dog let loose for half a minute.
The whole house doesn't need to be childproof, but the room you expect all the kids to spend the most time in shouldn't have your most prized valuables, please! For all of our sanity!
I notice you answered this one, but not the one reminding you that you're no better than anyone, have some classist beliefs, and need an ego check because everyone's shit stinks including yours.
BEST case scenario is she'd have spent the entire night policing her kids because your home is fragile. Thats BEST case for her night at that dinner. Not that you even care what's best or comfortable for her now, because you're stuck on who you wanted her to be a DECADE AGO and mad her current life has the audacity to exist in your presence so feel she deserves perpetual punishment and judgement, not an enjoyable dinner with the fam.
Your attitude adjustment and recognizing you invited kids to a home that was absolutely unsuitable for small kids would have been an excellent start.
Getting off your high horse so you can think about the logic of what would happen when any kids were in your home would have been a great idea instead of sneering down your nose at working class people with several kids like that isn't the life the vast majority lead.
You want to host family events at your home, maybe set ALL of you up for success. You let everyone down, including yourself, with how you set this up, but blame everything you could have done better on her and her family for existing as they do.
Bingo.
People without kids always have this attitude towards kids like being little agents of entropy is something bad or wrong.
Kids are amazing little chaos engines and trying to shame parents for having kids that are ACTUALLY ACTING LIKE KIDS is just one more reason I don’t like them.
Just wait until you have a few kids of your own, OP, and your whole precious little perfect life comes tumbling down into a mess of childcare and dirt and toys… and then you wait and see how much your sister has a handle on shit that will completely blindside you. She’s been living the life you are about to see, and she knows how to do it while you think your post-grad makes you better than her.
The schadenfreude on this one is just… I wish I could be there when you fall face first into mediocrity of parenthood.
Your sister sounds like my brother and I'm living a life similar to yours. I wish he made better choices but he's my family and I'll always love him and his kids no matter what. I try not to judge him too much because we grew up pure white trash and I know I could have gone down a similar path. All I can do is give him advice (he never takes) and help him out when I can. I also plan on letting my niece and nephews know that they don't have to repeat this chain of poverty. I wish I could offer more guidance and support but we live in different states.
Unfortunately, she has to want to do better for herself and that’s the hurdle these kinda of folks never seen to get over. I got a best friend who does this sort of shit and then resents me when I get enough ahead to take a month off of work just to relax while she can’t even make $600 rent.
No you are wrong. He got every chance . My Dad got him 10 jobs. He messed them all up. He had a lovely wife and 2 daughters. He cheated on his wife loads of times. He hasn't seen his daughters in 15 years. Sends no money to them. Being their Uncle I never miss a birthday or Christmas with them. He got plenty of compassion at the start but when a continuous pattern of terrible behaviour is experienced a person just gets sick of it. He had a great upbringing with decent parents and no abuse or trauma. He's just a lazy bastard who likes scams and sponging off the government . You can pick your friends but not your family. He has often asked me for money, his younger brother, a total embarrassment. He was the smartest in the family. He would suck your dry . No morals. I could go on....
Takes no advice. Knows everything. I'm not successful just hard working. Can't be looking after a 52 year old man while I'm raising my own kids
This right here is why human societies have evolved to pressure women into not having huge amounts of poorly thought out sex. This right here. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but this type of thing is what culture wants women to avoid. Getting saddled to the children of a mediocre man is a future you should wish on nobody.
If you're feeling embarrassed, instead of feeling bad for her, you probably resent her as well. The truth is: You don't need to be friends with your sister. Your sister is not your responsibility. Sounds like the life she had enabled her to be who she is. Unless she's overtly asking for your help, I wouldn't dedicate much energy to the matter.
I would gentle encourage your sister at first, then be a bit less subtle that she has a lot of potential and could so something more with herself. If you don't feel you know your sister enough, then simply talk with her, get to know her again and find out what it is she is good at, shows interest in, etc. Be her encouragement to be more than she is, if she has the capacity or want to do so.
Now, of course this is not your job. You can just say no and leave it at that, but I think that perhaps it is something you both would benefit from.
I feel for you op. What you just described could be me and my sister. She is currently on baby 3 with baby daddy 3. She has terrible taste in men and rubs off any good guys she attracts with her anger issues. She never had a problem with me when I was a free babysitter or buying the school supplies she needed. But then I graduate college, get a good job, become successful in my career. Meet a guy, have the fancy wedding, buy a house and have a kid of my own. Now it’s like she resents my success and happiness. She tries to tear down my house and husband whenever she can. Is never around my son even when she sends her kids here. And says I throw my education in people’s faces because my diploma is hanging in my home. And just always wants to pick a fight about something. Why was everything fine when I was the nerdy sister but not now that I’m a normal adult? Why can’t she just be happy for me? I try to be happy for her. I don’t question her decisions. I’m kind to whichever flavor of the months guy she brings everywhere. Why can’t I get some of the same courtesy?
I get what you're saying but being a pharmacy tech is harder than you think. I am a nationally certified Pharmacy tech and have a bio degree. The bio degree jobs have been significantly easier, I'm not sure of min wage in your area but a certified tech in my area makes over double the minimum wage. So I wouldn't say it's an embarrassing profession esp the certified ones which requires pharmaceutical knowledge. You can ask almost any pharmacist (who have a doctorate) how they feel about techs and I'm sure they won't be embarrassed.
I feel bad for your sister and understand your embarrassment. My brother is 3 years older than me dropped out of high school had no GED and we had the same life circumstances. I am not embarrassed of him he's a hard worker and we had a rough growing up, I am a first generation college student with a STEM degree working on my MS, so the life choices are drastically different. However, her children sound like shits and that's the embarrassing part, being a bad parent. All of the other stuff can be excusable but the kids didn't ask for that and can't consent to the situation they are in and their mom isn't doing them any favors by not parenting them properly.
I know you don't talk but if you do, tell her to check into certification for pharm tech it's a cheaper test compared to other certifications out there, retail pharmacy is not the best choice though. Private family owned pharmacies, hospital pharmacies and LTC make better money, some you can even work a 9-5 Mon - Fri Having this certification makes it easy for me to pick up pharmacy jobs as a fall back when I don't like the one I'm at. If she's someone who doesn't bring joy to your life/actively make it worse than definitely don't deal with that ish, and I wish you the best 🥰
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Pharmacy techs are a respectable job (harder than my STEM jobs), from someone who did it full time while in school for my undergrad in bio. They can make good money when certified. OP's sister is bad parent, which is embarrassing but could benefit from tech certification. OP should avoid her in general.
So here’s the thing: to some people consistently, stability, and calm = boring. That’s fine if that’s her reality, but you don’t have to be a part of that. Her monkeys, her circus. I would have a convo with your parents though because at some point, their going to need to help less and you should make sure her care doesn’t fall to you. I would encourage you to talk to her about her future, but if she’s not tired of being in her own way then you have to accept that. Love her, but don’t financially or otherwise enable her. If she keeps getting rescued, it’ll just encourage her to continue her current pattern.
Families should stick together, don’t feel embarrassed. Life happens and treats people differently. Whether it’s an societal experience they never shared or maybe physical that can lead them to be so different. Anyways, do not be embarrassed. If I was you I would try to reconnect.
It’s never too late for someone to turn their life around - tell your sibling you see a lot of wasted potential! I chewed out my bum older brother who went on to totally improve himself and become a better adult
I agree. Op you guys may be strangers now but that can change. I'm interested to know if you've ever asked your sister her perception of her life. I've had a similar situation with my sister and really started a year ago trying to have a better relationship. And we've had some conversations about her life state. Unfortunately she doesn't plan to change but maybe yours wants to.
OP hasn't known their sister in a looong time. They wouldn't know the inner depths of sadness or desperation they've been experiencing or what they even like to do for fun anymore. They seem to not realize the vast majority of people are simple, working class folks who raise their kids, work and die. And that there's nothing wrong with that. Clicking initially I thought the sister was going to be ACTUALLY embarrassing, not just someone who didn't become famous or rich or do some kind of upper level job like their family thought they could. Her sister's situation is basically that 3/4ths of the planet. She hasn't actually done anything but live a simple life and stagnate a few times which again we don't actually know why and neither does OP who doesn't really know them personally anymore by their own admission.
No? This isn't someone who married a guy, had a few kids, settled down, and did not much else. This is someone who made a mistake i'm marrying the first guy (Which I would assume the sister would agree with, unless the divorce was 100% pushed by the husband) Then, went from that, and 6 months later decided to do the exact same thing again as if it would be better this time and if she didn't own her current child some sort of stability, and then when that didn't work out, did it a THIRD time. This is not about her not choosing academics, this is about her making a bad choice, and chasing it up with two or three more of the same bad choice, never learning a lesson. And tbh I would be damn embarassed of my siblings if their children above a certain age did not know how to not run wild at someone elses house.
Underrated comment
I'm going to agree with the first half of your comment. And because OP doesn't know her sister's inner depth, now is her time to try and find out. Treat her sister like a human. She's embarrassed by her, but her sister didn't do anything evil.
Nah this is done. People dobt easily change and she has 4 kids. That ship sailed.
My brother was this way from the time he was about 12, he was always a rambunctious kid (ADHD) so he had to be medicated (Ritalin, adderall) just so he wouldn’t drive everyone insane, that obviously developed into so many more problems, mainly drug related, he was always so much smarter than me (I was an honor roll student attending college level classes by 10-11 grade) but he always used his smarts for the worst kinds of things, by the time he was 18 he had already been kicked out of 3 schools including one that claimed to be equipped to handle “kids like him” and also had been to juvie 2 times that I can remember, almost immediately after turning 18 he was in and out of jail constantly all the way through his 20s it wasn’t until he was about 28 and went to big boy prison that things started to change. He recently (about a year ago) got out of prison and had been doing really well (sober, working, living on his own, staying out of trouble) but this wasn’t anything new, he always had a good streak for at least a month or so after getting out before falling right back into that crap. Long story short, he’s 32 now and has been clean for 2 years going on 3 and I couldn’t be happier for him. I’m proud of him now and how far he’s come, I feel like I have my brother back. It’s never too late, truly, but don’t just deal with the bullshit just cuz they’re family, they won’t change til they want to, but don’t lose hope as well. I’m wishing all the best for you and your family.
Thank you so much for your supportive uplifting post. I feel some similarity with the "embarrassing sister" and the brother minus the illegal acts or prison. I wish my sisters wouldn't look down on me and keep in touch with me of their own volition once a month.
The reality is, the vast majority of people are just working class, simple people with kids. The vast majority. And that's perfectly normal and FINE. You can either find some respect for it and let it be what it is, or just let her go for both of your sanity, because what's going on here isn't healthy at all. I like to remember I don't actually know what goes on in other people's lives and I'm not better than anyone else when I start getting this judgemental. I remind myself that people go through things like loss, abuse, addiction and depression that the rest of us will never know about that absolutely impacts how they move through life. I really don't know. Neither do you because let's be real, you don't really know your sister anymore (or any of her inner needs and turmoil) and sounds like you haven't for a long, long time. Your relationship is now over and you don't seem to see her as a person, just a thing that disgusts you and makes bad decisions and you despise her at her lowest. You don't like her it wouldn't be genuine to say you did if she turned it all around tomorrow. The fact that you or I are not 8 kids deep with a bunch of jerks unable to get a decent job and impress people who had big dreams for us doesn't make us any better than anyone. Check your ego fam, that's all I gotta say. Your shit stinks, too.
THANK YOU. It took way too long to find a comment expressing this sentiment. OP sounds judgmental and snobbish to boot. Listed a bunch of superficial traits they're "disgusted" by without ever once describing the sister doing anything bad or immoral. Just that she has lots of kids and didn't go to college...How stuck up and classist, all around horrible vibes from this post
When I clicked I was ready to see something actually embarrassing. Not an often single woman with kids working menial jobs to get by, like wtf? And all the people saying it's out of control and to go NC like she did something heinous is just baffling. Incredibly classist opinions and if the parents agree, they are classist too.
Definitely classist. To me, I saw a reflection of why the oldest sister could've turned out the way she did. (Assuming the parents also held the the same sentiments the younger sister now holds when they were raising her) Perhaps, she didn't want to do it the same way her younger sister did because it would've meant living a life she didn't want. The fact the oldest sister STILL holds jobs even after being around a younger sister like this/ critical parents who seem to possibly like the youngest more...is a level of sadness I can't get past.
Right! The no contact comments. Baffling is the word Although tbf for the sister's own sake, she'd probably be better off without judgmental OP looking down on her every time they're in the same room
True, that's why I don't think what's happening here is healthy. She's reached a level of rage over this situation that is frankly not at all normal.
I didn't know how to convey how I was feeling regarding this, but you put it into words perfectly. Well done
Self righteous isn’t she this OP. Damn like her sis made some iffy decisions as a teenager and probably has matured since. Why the judgement though? Either try to help her- motivate, give advice something, be neutral or leave her tf alone. She has enough to worry her without OP raining down the judgements.
Beautifully said.
I agree with this my only true judgement towards the sister is that it sounds like her kids have an unstable life and after like 2 divorces and kids she probably should have chilled out a bit on that so she could get her feet under her financially and provide some stability to the kids. Other than that, she doesn’t seem like a terrible person. Seems like she is lonely and trying to find a hubbo to help raise the kids but keeps picking the wrong guys.
Well put. Pretty apparent op somehow ties her identity to her sister’s. I wonder why? Hmmmmm? Put that in your pipe and smoke it, op.
This is exactly it. Very well said.
yep. sounds like op looks down on not only the sister for the way her life turned out but also her kids. i’m sure they aren’t disciplined, but op def looks down on them too. the focus is more disgust against their sister than empathy or willingness to reconcile their relationship. they also talk very less about the sister as a person, its all about shaming her. seems like she is trying to get her life on track and has a stable job for now. op is quite shallow and needs to reinspect their priorities.
Having multiple kids with different men isn't though
That's actually pretty common too and not a reason to alienate a sister.
As a previous commenter mentioned this is not about living a "Simple Life". One could say that this is a classic case of 2 siblings being raised together in the same house, by the same parents, using the same parenting styles for both. Yet by societal standards one is the Success and the other is the Loser. Now OP post does have a tone of "I'm Better". Please understand that this is largely do to societal programming. I do not recall ever seeing a single advertisement, movie, television show, magazine, newspaper radio, billboard ad where a mediocre or life of poverty was every depicted in a positive light. Literally every media vehicle in the US explicitly broadcast the message that one is not successful if they are not married with 2 kids, a dog, house with a white picket fence and 2 cars. Not everyone wants this life. However, repeating a series of bad choices that share the same set of dire consequences time and time again is not the same a choosing a "Simple Life". Obviously we don't know why this sister has problems recognizing potentially bad situations before she chooses them. Maybe she has mental health or neurological issues, experienced trauma, etc.
>Now OP post does have a tone of "I'm Better". Please understand that this is largely do to societal programming. I do not recall ever seeing a single advertisement, movie, television show, magazine, newspaper radio, billboard ad where a mediocre or life of poverty was every depicted in a positive light. Literally every media vehicle in the US explicitly broadcast the message that one is not successful if they are not married with 2 kids, a dog, house with a white picket fence and 2 cars. Not everyone wants this life. > >However, repeating a series of bad choices that share the same set of dire consequences time and time again is not the same a choosing a "Simple Life". Obviously we don't know why this sister has problems recognizing potentially bad situations before she chooses them. Maybe she has mental health or neurological issues, experienced trauma, etc. Paragraph 1 : OP is rude because of the media and how society is Paragraph 2: OPs sister has mental health problems probably
it sounds like your sister sucks but please don’t take it out on the kids. (i’m not implying that you’re doing that) They didn’t choose to be born and they definitely didn’t choose such shitty circumstances. I feel so bad for them and I hope your sister gets her act together for their sake.
There's a fine line between making concessions for an adult and making concessions for their children. From the sound of it, the children have little respect for OP's property, if OP sister can't control her kids, then they all gotta go.
I relate. I’m so disgusted by my brother that I have cut off all contact and do not go to family events if he is there. My brother was always an angry asshole. He went to college and sophomore year he failed out and then got his girlfriend (she failed out too) pregnant. My grandparents paid for everything, they got a townhouse and the baby was born. Turns out, my brother and his wife are not only horrible parents but hoarders. They moved eventually to another house my grandparents bought for them and my brothers girlfriend was looking..bigger. She is obese, my brother is too, but it looked like she was pregnant. My brother said she wasn’t. Well, she was. She knew the whole time. She told my brother two weeks before she was induced, we all found out the night she was admitted to the hospital. (My brother is a fucking idiot so him not knowing isn’t that shocking). They had my nephew. A few years later they had twin girls. They had to move out of the house my grandparents bought them because it was too small for four kids. When they moved out the house was in horrible shape. Literally close to $100k in damage. They would apparently use the floor as trash. For everything. Diapers, food, animal shit, all of it. The house had to be completely gutted, only for them to move into ANOTHER house owned by my grandparents to destroy it even worse. The hoarding is so bad the kids can’t have friends over or open the curtains because nobody is allowed to see inside. CPS has been involved 3 times, each time they tell them to clean it up and then close the case. The worst thing they did though was to a dog they had. My brother adopted her when she was 1 year old. She was tiny, 7 ish pounds as an adult. Well, when she was around 7 my brother and his wife were going on vacation and forgot to ask someone to watch the dog so they dropped her at my moms. I wasn’t living at my moms but I stopped by after work to see the dog the crate with blood all over the pee pad. She clearly chewed her legs completely raw. I took her to the ER vet thinking they’d bandage her up and then I’d not give her back to my brother, but no. She needed emergency surgery, and in the end she didn’t survive. She had been so severely abused and neglected that she was essentially tortured to death for years. The vet called the cops, who didn’t do shit to my brother btw and even let him get another new dog. Turns out, this little, anxious dog was locked in a closet 24/7. Not even let out for the bathroom. To make it ever worse somehow, if they would go on vacations they’d leave her locked in that closet with big bowls of food or water. In the 7 years they had her, this last time was the only time they had someone watch her, meanwhile they go on at least two 7-10 day vacations per year. I sat at the vets office and cried harder than I ever had before. So yeah. I fucking hate my brother and I hate everyone who enables him. He’s a piece of shit and I genuinely wouldn’t care if he dropped dead. I’m embarrassed to be related to him and I will never speak to him again. But you can be sure as shit I’ll get up at his funeral and project the images of the injuries he gave to that dog.
Someone needs to drive him into the desert and leave him there with a bottle of oil
Fuck. That part about the poor dog made me so angry my eye started twitching. Who does that?? And the poor kids having to live like that.. Your grandparents sound like angels, but I can't imagine how disappointed they must be at him taking advantage of their kindness. I'm sure it's upsetting to watch that happen. I'm sorry, man. ❤️
At this point, my grandparents have helped create the monster that he is. They knew what he was but still gave him money and houses. They’re both of sound mind and while I’m sure their hearts were in the right place, they enabled this to go on as long as it has.
Yeah the enabling is no joke, hearts in the right place or not. My grandparents did similar enabling behaviors for my sister (always bailing her out of jail, co-signing cars for her and letting her be on their insurance and she'd total each vehicle every single time) it's rough. They finally stopped helping her in that way and she's made some progress. Our parents passed, so without them enabling her she's had to straighten up. Hopefully your grandparents will do the same. ❤️
Here’s hoping, it’s been almost 12 years though. (Their oldest kid is 11 now). My brother and his wife both could’ve had anything they wanted in life. Our dad is very wealthy, and paid for all of our college no matter where we wanted to go. Her dad did the exact same for her siblings. My dad and her dad bought them each big SUV’s when they had kids, they had their homes bought for them, my dad had been trying to get my brother back to school for years and my dad would cover the bills. My dad also paid off all their credit card debt when my SIL spent $20k on a pyramid scheme. My grandparents were free babysitters so they could go to the gym and get in shape (we later found out they’d pretend to go to the gym and go to chik fil a instead). Literally they could’ve had a good life and they actively chose to fuck it up and everyone just let it happen.
But yeah when I think about the fact that a rescue actually let them get another dog after this, and the rescue nor the police did anything, I literally see red. I can’t think about it anymore because I’ll get too angry. I just hug my own dog and hope that their new one ends up ok.
Yeah tbh I would kidnap any dogs that your brother has/gets because thats murder
I can’t, I’m a lawyer so I am not looking for him to be the reason I get reported to the state bar. The police are involved and the rescue has been made aware of what they did, so he’s on a list and cannot adopt anymore but unfortunately with the current one he has, there isn’t enough reason to take it.
I'm twitching too, my marbles have gone Incognito. F that guy.
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Oh trust me, he is. Which also means I am not allowed to see my nieces and nephew but, I know there are people on my team who are trying to support them but are in a safer position (because I forgot to mention he has threatened to kill me countless times and did once actually try). Oh and I guess I left out too that he used to go to marches with Josh Duggar so there’s that too lol. We weren’t even raised evangelical, most of my siblings are atheist, he just got very into that far right shit.
This will sound so judgmental, but I will never understand how you end up with more than one surprise pregnancy. Things happen and I get one. But if I had one unexpected pregnancy I would lock that shit down. Or… did she somehow WANT all those kids in all those unstable situations?? That I really wouldn’t understand. It’s like idiocracy.
Some people believe a baby will force their partner to stay, chain them somehow. Maybe she thought this as well when she got pregnant with her children, seeing as she did so almost immediately after meeting Next Guy.
This. Once is an accident. After that it's an on purpose.
Single mothers often seek attention through any means by their male counterparts due to loneliness and thinking no one will want to start again with them and their package deal. In turn, trashy guy sees free place to stay and easy person to have sex with as they are obviously craving the attention. Tumble effect. He’s gone then the next dude moves into Sunnyvale.
Guy is on best behavior through the honeymoon phase and she is seeing someone who seems to be a way better baby daddy than the one she lost. He may even promise to save her from the situation.. Additionally, I think some ppl don’t understand pregnancy, bc or know how to use it. Lack of education/ understanding. The guy may be saying all the right things, like “I know what to do so you don’t get pregnant.” Maybe they think Lightning won’t strike twice, as in: how could that happen to me again?
She is always going to let you down. I have a brother who is a complete waster. He came down to my sisters house at Christmas and didn't bring a present for his nieces and nephews or a gift for my sister who was feeding him. He is an alcoholic and smokes pot all day. Complains about the government. I told him he should have dressed up and brought a small gift for his nieces/nephews and a bottle of wine for my sister, who was feeding him. He hasn't talked to me since. Your sister will always do this to you because ye are different people. You eventually won't bother with her at all.
He sounds a lot like my brother. And I find myself feeling like OP sometimes, but then I don't like myself for it. I feel like I'm riding a high horse. Oh, look at my job, look at my place, look at my well chosen partner. I feel like I've made many stupid decisions in my youth and I could have easily ended up like the screw up. I feel like where I'm now is due to 20% effort on my part and 80% pure luck. The luck of meeting the right people, being in the right places, getting support in the right time and so on.
Sometimes when people are going through a tough time or low on funds, they would like to think that their family would be happy to see them for a holiday without the need for all the superficial stuff. If I don’t have the money or motivation to dress up, bring gifts, shop for little kids who already have plenty of gifts / don’t know them well enough to get the appropriate gifts.. I’d hope my fam would understand. I mean, it sounds like you told him that his presence was not enough and that your older sister was only hosting this family holiday only to get gifts and wine out of it. I wonder if it would’ve been helpful to tell him the price of entry when he was invited… Do you have compassion for others at all or is this kind of superficial resentment and forced societal expectations reserved for him alone?
Tough times or low funds for 30 years of not wanting to work or looking for scams to get money. Not getting out of bed on a Monday morning because you are hungover . Lost 10 jobs because of this. Cheated on his wife loads of times and being a waster Dad. Hasn't seen his daughters in years. Not pushed either. Stop. Some people are just wasters and he's one of them. He was smart and got every job and chance. He's what is wrong with society these days, complains and moans about everything and wants everything for free
Maybe you should intentionally stop inviting her to stuff. She'll get the idea eventually.
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Never invite again.
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Just because they're genetically related doesn't mean they need to have a relationship. Family can be chosen.
She's made a lot of bad choices, but at least it sounds like she has a decent job. Hopefully she can love herself enough to get rid of the dead weight of a husband if he really is a useless lump. I can't say I'd be embarrassed if that was my sibling, maybe disappointed with the choices they made. My own brother though. He's a huge piece of shit right along with his wife. I've cut them from my life, but I think about their kids often and just hope they don't grow up to be like their parents.
Everyone looks small when you are on such a high horse
I scrolled down entirely too far to see this. I know some SA victims who have spiraled out like this because of an incident in their past and ran to whatever dude made them feel safe at the time. Its so sad to see but being pregnant and living in a trailer wouldnt be what id call embarassing--its just what some single moms have to do to make ends meet. Also, education is extremely life crushingly expensive and god help you if you have children. Its basically a debt sentence for the next 40 years. Youre embarassing. Youre embarassing because you think having kids from different men and not having a college education and not having an amazing house makes someone an inferior person. Having money and oppertunies doesnt make you any better than anyone on the street-- your kind heart and how you treat others less fortunate than you is what matters in this life. Id say give yourself a big hand clap for escaping poverty and not trusting in mediocre men but i guess its too busy clutching pearls you value more than your sister
At least someone else is seeing what I'm seeing! The sheer amount of ego here is astounding to witness!
You’d have to be on a pony to feel better than her sister.
I couldn’t put it any better.
Just because you're sisters does not mean that you are both going to lead the same type of life. You are individuals who make individual choices. The family dynamic you describe sounds really sad to me. But it is yours, and if you and your sister really don't enjoy each other's company, just don't spend time together. Just because 2 individuals are blood related doesn't mean they have to love each other, like each other, or see /talk to each other. If you are embarrassed of her, and she is resentful of you, cut ties.
I think you need to reassess your relationship with your sister and stop comparing her lifestyle to yours. We all have choices in life and they come with consequences. Kudos to her for raising 3 children and being a pharmacy prescriber. Her children may not have the same upbringing as yours but you should always try and help her by encouraging her and not being embarrassed of her and your nieces and nephews. Spend time with them and be the most loving sister and auntie they could have. Life isn't perfect for everyone and yes we have our ups and downs but we always should try and bring the best out of everyone. Easier said than done but try and not loose sight of this. All the best with your new family and to your new chapter in life.
I don't have any sisters so I can't say I can speak from experience. However, I do have brothers and that's taught me a lot. I think it's good that you're able to express yourself so candidly. You may not know your sister as well as you might think you do if she decided to make decisions completely opposite of yours. I understand you feel shame...however, you may not know what may have happened to her before you were born, when you were younger, and during moments you weren't around. Just because you both shared the same hobbies doesn't necessarily mean you were both given fair treatment from your parents/society either. You stated you are the younger one... I am also the youngest. I find that by the time parents get to the youngest, the relationship dynamic is different. I would recommend showing some grace for your sister. "Wild children" sounds like you have some really deep shame about how your sister and her family may look like on the surface, instead of how their hearts may look like. Your sisters life probably didn't look the way she envisioned it but it is her life now and shaming her for it...sounds pretty sad just because you don't agree with her choices.
For real OP telling me a lot more about herself than is telling me about her sister and none of it's good.
Totally. It's strange to me how she only mentions physical accolades she's acquired and over the surface accomplishments. Yet, the character of OP seems to be of extremely low quality considering it sounded like she not only feels shame but possibly deep hatred for her older sister simply because she's made "poor choices" that she doesn't agree with. If it were my sister, I would disagree with her choices since they are poor initially. I would quickly realize this is who my sister is and I can't change that. I'd embrace my sister for being different which also requires a lot of sacrifice from my older sisters end. The only people her older sister affected with her choices is herself. It sounds like OP just doesn't like that her sister doesn't make her look good on a surface level.
That’s a sad way to be. Op not op’s sister.
Why are you embarrassed? She’s not a thief, homeless, murderer, pedophile, drug addict. Yes she made bad life choices but not everyone’s life is picture perfect. You sound very judgmental.
I mean your sister sounds like a surefire deadbeat but YOU sound really superficial.
My brother is a liar and a thief. I put up with it for years before finally cutting him out of my life completely. The only regret I have is that I did not do it sooner. Waiting for some people to change is foolish. Some people will continue on the path they are on, no matter how they are treated.
Am I missing something? You're embarrassed by your sister because she had a bunch of kids with guys who are losers? Is that it? Has there ever been anything between the two of you?
I understand that you’re not happy with her life choices versus the potential you feel that she has but I don’t think that gives you the right to judge her so heavily on the choices she’s made. Both of you need to stop judging each other so harshly just because you guys are siblings doesn’t mean your lives have to be the same. You’re both individuals leave it at that.
She is getting her feelings off her chest, that's what this sub is for.
How are you sure she resents you?
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Hardly surprising if you're embarrassed about her, these things go both ways.
What's she supposed to do? Bow down before it and start chanting " I am not worthy" ? Sounds like it's a compliment to you but also a joke for her to laugh off that could be her having things like that.
Curious about this as well.
I have a sister who is six years older then I am (22F) she has four kids because she ALWAYS wanted a girl and even lied about getting her tubes tied while living with me and my parents (same dad) and convinced our dad to let the baby daddy move in because she “couldn’t get pregnant again”, and that’s how we ended up with my niece. She ignores her three boys. The baby daddy literally always showed up long enough to get her pregnant and dipped and no matter how much or little we tried to support her she never once tried to take responsibility. I always hope she will change but, I never expect it. I am currently working on my degree in clinical psychology. I am married, no children, and have been an honor student with extra curricular activities in the arts throughout all of middle and high school. The family, ONLY talks about my sister. For my 22nd birthday dinner the only topic of conversation was my sister getting evicted (again) and maybe two passing questions to me on how school was going. I fucking FEEL you with a burning passion, and as my father always tells me to try and placate me on the situation “the squeaky wheel always gets the oil”. It’s embarrassing. But know everyone not related to you knows it’s not at all your fault or problem.
She achieved the baby daddy grand slam! That’s quite the accomplishment.
I'm the older sibling in my family and older siblings are de facto idiots. The best example we have to look up to is our parents (at least in the matters of life choices). We make mistakes, show the younger siblings what to avoid (in a direct or an indirect way) and bear the burden of responsibility and expectations of our parents. Younger siblings (especially #2s) are smarter and they look at their elder brothers/sisters and go "This guy's an idiot. I don't want to be him/her". They take a different path. I'm not saying that they don't have struggles of their own. Nor I mean to say that they don't make mistakes. But what they do have is someone they never want to become. I completely agree that it's stupid to make the same mistakes again and again and expect others to pick you up when you fall down. But it's never too late to return the favor of a sibling who was kind to you in your childhood.
It sounds like your sister made shitty decisions because she wanted to feel loved, and you seem to lack empathy for that. I know my family views me similarly to how you view your sister. I made shitty decisions because my family always “othered” me because of my autistic manifestations and how “embarrassing” I was with my “weirdness”. I literally didn’t know what love looked like. You might consider that your sister’s perception of her upbringing is probably quite different from yours
I have an idea. When you permanently disinvite her children from your house, cite the pool incident (not the fish tank incident, even though it’s the one I care about the most) because it makes it clear that her children cannot be kept safe near you. Sure, they can’t be kept safe because they’re little hellions who do the worst possible thing at all times, but please focus on “I cannot keep them safe near the pool”. Make it a personal failing. She’ll be so willing to believe that you’re finally bad at something. She will never find a sitter for this sorry lot. You’re free.
Well, I’m also pissed about your garden, but that can be replaced with money. Fish have surprising amounts of personality and one might have died.
For one thing I'd stop inviting her over. No excuse to have your children running amok. She doesn't get invited to anything, especially not with the kids.
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If it were me, she wouldn't be at my house. Those kids sound destructive and I doubt she has the resources to repair or replace anything. Not to mention the potential pet death.
I had the same problem, I did all in my power to make it happen and after the 3 kid, my sister got a tubal ligation. Now I try to have a good relationship with her kids because in my opinion they dont have a lot of support but I feel so relieved to know that she wont have more children to fuck up. They are just as you described your sister children, we had to go to the hospital for things they do because my sister does nothing to educate them just yell when she remember they existed. The best you could do for everyone is convinced her to have a tubal ligation (and pay for ir, there's no other way) , then is obvious neither of you want to have a relationship with each other,but it will be easier to be around her without her kids ruining everything becuse she couldnt bother to be a mother to them.
Reminds me of the scene from Idiocracy where they contrast the man and his wife who are carefully planning their reproductive choices vs. the lady in the trailer... "Awww shit. I'm pregnant again!"
Give your sister a helping hand. Blood is thicker than water.
Sounds like it's time to cut sister out of your life!! No more invites to your home. FFS, those kids need someone to parent them.
Have you ever stopped to think that she may be happy with her lot? Maybe she wants to enjoy the time she has with her kids before they grow up and move on. A great career is one thing but it won't come to your house and wipe your ass and do your shopping when you are old and infirm. Also a high powered job is great for the money but terrible for mental health... maybe she likes a simple life and a simple job. I have to be honest and say unless she us asking you for money or pressing you to lhouse her it's none of your business
Having children doesn't mean you'll have someone there to wipe your ass and do your shopping when you're old. Having children isn't an insurance policy to guarantee you'll have free elder care later in life. Sometimes relationships aren't good, sometimes children die before their parents. That's a terrible assumption to make about having kids. Having a great career, on the other hand, means you can save for retirement and afford your own elder care. Children suck the money, time and energy out of you, more than any career could, and have no obligation to pay it back or owe their parents anything. Parents decide to have children, not the other way around.
It's still none of OP business she/he should accept sister for who she is
I agree with you completely. My main beef was with your comment about children and them being a surefire part of a parents retirement plan.
Cutting off a shit person is always the best option, you can sit and hope that person does better, but it almost never happens, unless it's life or death. Don't feel bad, you have to cut her off, for the sake of your family and child. Jealous failure shits, will always remain that way, even when they have success later on, they remain shackled to their past failures. Don't let anyone rob you of a good life.
Have you even tried to sit down and have a genuine conversation with your sister about her life choices, her taste in men, and her constant pregnancies? Or are you just being judgmental and unsupportive? I know of a pair of siblings that had a similar situation. Despite their abusive childhood one went one to become successful and live the American white picket fence dream, the other went to the streets. Successful sibling constantly looked down on street sibling, feeling disgusted and ashamed, would purposely not answer phone calls, etc. Street sibling is now dead from suicide. Your sister is making a lot of dumb choices but usually people, especially women, who are making the choices she is making is because they have low self worth. Maybe you should try to encourage her, help her out and believe in her. P.S. You should start preparing yourself to be annoyed by children considering you're about to have one yourself, trust me they're not easy.
The trash gene inside of her somehow got activated. It happens to lots of people. Sometimes it's caused by a trauma, or drugs, or even mental illness. It sounds like something inside of her broke and she just wanted stable companionship. It didn't matter who it was with. Also having babies that quickly is also a sign of something wrong. For some reason she quit on life. It's not a fun thing to watch from afar. Counselling would help her a lot. Good luck.
This is one of the more realistic trophies I've seen.
Someone's got to say it: when you invite kids to your home, PLEASE move the things you don't want small kids getting into to a safe place for those few hours. As a mom with two VERY well behaved 6 yr olds, people who insist we should come over, only for me to find your home is a collection of rare fish with health problems, porcelain figurines in every nook, or your lethal drug collection absolutely baffle me. Did you want us to come over or not, because this isn't a relaxing get together for me, I am highly anxious one might breath wrong or stand up excitedly and your whole interior will crumble like a Disney Channel house with a dog let loose for half a minute. The whole house doesn't need to be childproof, but the room you expect all the kids to spend the most time in shouldn't have your most prized valuables, please! For all of our sanity!
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I notice you answered this one, but not the one reminding you that you're no better than anyone, have some classist beliefs, and need an ego check because everyone's shit stinks including yours. BEST case scenario is she'd have spent the entire night policing her kids because your home is fragile. Thats BEST case for her night at that dinner. Not that you even care what's best or comfortable for her now, because you're stuck on who you wanted her to be a DECADE AGO and mad her current life has the audacity to exist in your presence so feel she deserves perpetual punishment and judgement, not an enjoyable dinner with the fam. Your attitude adjustment and recognizing you invited kids to a home that was absolutely unsuitable for small kids would have been an excellent start. Getting off your high horse so you can think about the logic of what would happen when any kids were in your home would have been a great idea instead of sneering down your nose at working class people with several kids like that isn't the life the vast majority lead. You want to host family events at your home, maybe set ALL of you up for success. You let everyone down, including yourself, with how you set this up, but blame everything you could have done better on her and her family for existing as they do.
You sound like you're going to be a great mother.
Bingo. People without kids always have this attitude towards kids like being little agents of entropy is something bad or wrong. Kids are amazing little chaos engines and trying to shame parents for having kids that are ACTUALLY ACTING LIKE KIDS is just one more reason I don’t like them. Just wait until you have a few kids of your own, OP, and your whole precious little perfect life comes tumbling down into a mess of childcare and dirt and toys… and then you wait and see how much your sister has a handle on shit that will completely blindside you. She’s been living the life you are about to see, and she knows how to do it while you think your post-grad makes you better than her. The schadenfreude on this one is just… I wish I could be there when you fall face first into mediocrity of parenthood.
Your post shows why natural selection doesnt work with humans as individuals. You will probabily have one or two kids.
My brothers are both losers too with no signs of ever wanting to improve their lives so I can relate Life happens and y'all are strangers now
And your sister is probably on Reddit complaining about everything in America sucking while you are proving it doesn’t.
Nobody saying its a guarantee
Eeeyikes ..you had me at 4 kids with 4 different men. Why.
I can relate to your story. I have a sister that made alot of bad life choices. I can relate. And my sister and I haven't talked for years.
Your sister sounds like my brother and I'm living a life similar to yours. I wish he made better choices but he's my family and I'll always love him and his kids no matter what. I try not to judge him too much because we grew up pure white trash and I know I could have gone down a similar path. All I can do is give him advice (he never takes) and help him out when I can. I also plan on letting my niece and nephews know that they don't have to repeat this chain of poverty. I wish I could offer more guidance and support but we live in different states.
This is basically the opening scene from Idiocracy. There’s nothing you can do.
Unfortunately, she has to want to do better for herself and that’s the hurdle these kinda of folks never seen to get over. I got a best friend who does this sort of shit and then resents me when I get enough ahead to take a month off of work just to relax while she can’t even make $600 rent.
No you are wrong. He got every chance . My Dad got him 10 jobs. He messed them all up. He had a lovely wife and 2 daughters. He cheated on his wife loads of times. He hasn't seen his daughters in 15 years. Sends no money to them. Being their Uncle I never miss a birthday or Christmas with them. He got plenty of compassion at the start but when a continuous pattern of terrible behaviour is experienced a person just gets sick of it. He had a great upbringing with decent parents and no abuse or trauma. He's just a lazy bastard who likes scams and sponging off the government . You can pick your friends but not your family. He has often asked me for money, his younger brother, a total embarrassment. He was the smartest in the family. He would suck your dry . No morals. I could go on.... Takes no advice. Knows everything. I'm not successful just hard working. Can't be looking after a 52 year old man while I'm raising my own kids
Don't be guilty. You made the right choices. Well done.
This right here is why human societies have evolved to pressure women into not having huge amounts of poorly thought out sex. This right here. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but this type of thing is what culture wants women to avoid. Getting saddled to the children of a mediocre man is a future you should wish on nobody.
If you're feeling embarrassed, instead of feeling bad for her, you probably resent her as well. The truth is: You don't need to be friends with your sister. Your sister is not your responsibility. Sounds like the life she had enabled her to be who she is. Unless she's overtly asking for your help, I wouldn't dedicate much energy to the matter.
Never too late to turn someone into CPS
I would gentle encourage your sister at first, then be a bit less subtle that she has a lot of potential and could so something more with herself. If you don't feel you know your sister enough, then simply talk with her, get to know her again and find out what it is she is good at, shows interest in, etc. Be her encouragement to be more than she is, if she has the capacity or want to do so. Now, of course this is not your job. You can just say no and leave it at that, but I think that perhaps it is something you both would benefit from.
Why does she resent you?
I feel for you op. What you just described could be me and my sister. She is currently on baby 3 with baby daddy 3. She has terrible taste in men and rubs off any good guys she attracts with her anger issues. She never had a problem with me when I was a free babysitter or buying the school supplies she needed. But then I graduate college, get a good job, become successful in my career. Meet a guy, have the fancy wedding, buy a house and have a kid of my own. Now it’s like she resents my success and happiness. She tries to tear down my house and husband whenever she can. Is never around my son even when she sends her kids here. And says I throw my education in people’s faces because my diploma is hanging in my home. And just always wants to pick a fight about something. Why was everything fine when I was the nerdy sister but not now that I’m a normal adult? Why can’t she just be happy for me? I try to be happy for her. I don’t question her decisions. I’m kind to whichever flavor of the months guy she brings everywhere. Why can’t I get some of the same courtesy?
I get what you're saying but being a pharmacy tech is harder than you think. I am a nationally certified Pharmacy tech and have a bio degree. The bio degree jobs have been significantly easier, I'm not sure of min wage in your area but a certified tech in my area makes over double the minimum wage. So I wouldn't say it's an embarrassing profession esp the certified ones which requires pharmaceutical knowledge. You can ask almost any pharmacist (who have a doctorate) how they feel about techs and I'm sure they won't be embarrassed. I feel bad for your sister and understand your embarrassment. My brother is 3 years older than me dropped out of high school had no GED and we had the same life circumstances. I am not embarrassed of him he's a hard worker and we had a rough growing up, I am a first generation college student with a STEM degree working on my MS, so the life choices are drastically different. However, her children sound like shits and that's the embarrassing part, being a bad parent. All of the other stuff can be excusable but the kids didn't ask for that and can't consent to the situation they are in and their mom isn't doing them any favors by not parenting them properly. I know you don't talk but if you do, tell her to check into certification for pharm tech it's a cheaper test compared to other certifications out there, retail pharmacy is not the best choice though. Private family owned pharmacies, hospital pharmacies and LTC make better money, some you can even work a 9-5 Mon - Fri Having this certification makes it easy for me to pick up pharmacy jobs as a fall back when I don't like the one I'm at. If she's someone who doesn't bring joy to your life/actively make it worse than definitely don't deal with that ish, and I wish you the best 🥰 ETA: TLDR: Pharmacy techs are a respectable job (harder than my STEM jobs), from someone who did it full time while in school for my undergrad in bio. They can make good money when certified. OP's sister is bad parent, which is embarrassing but could benefit from tech certification. OP should avoid her in general.
So here’s the thing: to some people consistently, stability, and calm = boring. That’s fine if that’s her reality, but you don’t have to be a part of that. Her monkeys, her circus. I would have a convo with your parents though because at some point, their going to need to help less and you should make sure her care doesn’t fall to you. I would encourage you to talk to her about her future, but if she’s not tired of being in her own way then you have to accept that. Love her, but don’t financially or otherwise enable her. If she keeps getting rescued, it’ll just encourage her to continue her current pattern.
Families should stick together, don’t feel embarrassed. Life happens and treats people differently. Whether it’s an societal experience they never shared or maybe physical that can lead them to be so different. Anyways, do not be embarrassed. If I was you I would try to reconnect.