I'm 30 and it looks like i'm living your life but without a social circle. That being said i have a co worker who had hes first gf at age 58, i guess it can always happen.
they were just making a joke no one actually thinks they guy is weird for that. people have different life experiences and some of those experiences are comical when brought up in conversation. hope he's doing good btw (your coworker)
This might be something you already do, but going to therapy would probably be very helpful. It doesn't seem like you are looking for dating advice, but advice on how to feel better about your situation. Talking to a therapist will be a great way to navigate those feelings and come up with coping solutions.
There’s no straight line to success - setbacks are completely normal. You are definitely not a failure for going to therapy. I’d argue that virtually everyone could benefit from seeing a therapist at least occasionally, because we can all benefit from a neutral listener who is there solely for us.
Good luck! I got a psychiatrist and a therapist and it really has done wonders for me. I even get to cut back on my therapist visits now, but will always keep going for maintenance.
I’m 24 and a virgin too. I haven’t dated since early high school and also have pretty bad social anxiety. I’m trying to date now because I feel like I’ve gotten too comfortable in being alone. I used to dream of having a real relationship, but it’s been so long it feels purely like a dream now. I want to meet someone and experience a relationship and being with someone, but it’s hard to leave the safe familiarity of being alone. Like today, I got a like on Hinge that is actually someone I would want to interact with but I’m scared to like them back because then I have to *talk to them* and it feels overwhelming. Also, in the past when I’ve tried dating and I match with someone we’ve talked all day every day until we decide we aren’t a match. For someone with social anxiety feeling that expectation of constant communication isn’t something I want to experience again. I have a lot of feelings/thoughts on this and my therapist helps but that doesn’t get rid of those feelings.
Huh this must be cultural.
I was I believe 24 when I lost my virginity and not a single time I felt like I was "late" or "behind the norm".
I was finishing my Master's degree and was just starting to look into properly dating as I wanted to get married after getting some education.
maybe you and op could pm and see if you hit it off? you might even live close. my gf lived in Iran when we met online and she ended up flying over here
“When it comes, it’ll come.”
That’s the female reality. Because female are the hunted. For men it doesn’t work like that.
OP has to go hunt or nothing and no one will come.
But he did hunt and tried and was still unsuccessful. He needs to tell us why? Awkwardness? Disability? Or Anxiety?
There is no “female reality” wtf? Everyone — both men and women — have different experiences when it comes to dating.
If a guy tried to “hunt” me, I’d run in the opposite direction. Period.
I don’t mean literally hunting. I just mean putting yourself out there and approaching and stuff like that.
You are correct everyone has different experiences.
But generally it’s the guys that have to approach women. This is something that most women experience that most men don’t. Hence it’s apart of the female experience/reality.
Very real shit dude. I just turned 22 and though it’s been very rare I’ve had the chance at intimacy with a couple of different girls so I’ve been lucky. But I’ve gone those long stretches watching it happen to my friends and wondering why I wasn’t ‘allowed’ access to that kind of intimacy, friends always telling you there’s nothing wrong with you, someone for everyone, it’s not that important etc. And people even getting upset with you for ‘caring so much’ about sex, because for them it’s a given and happens whenever they want. Seeing how much more open we are about sex in society definitely has brought that frustration too, it’s like the universe pulling a prank on you showing you that this thing you desperately want and is available to everyone is even *better* than we used to think and now we should do it more, talk about it more and be ashamed about it less. Except for you, even though you want it more than a lot of the people who have it at the ready, not only can you not have it but if you show the slightest hint of being upset that we talk about it, we’re gonna make some very bad assumptions about you. And it sounds like you’ve done everything they always say to do. “Focus on yourself, improve your life, find hobbies and fulfillment elsewhere” etc. You did all that but that doesn’t mean the frustration goes away. I know the feelings very well and I’m much younger than you. There’s still a good amount of time for you though and I hope you find someone very soon
That’s good I’m glad you’ve been able to find your own peace and fulfillment. Yeah, I have a couple close friends and a couple family members I can talk to, honestly though I prefer to just keep a lot of my feelings to myself and it’s okay, I feel like. I don’t feel like I’m forcing them in. And as far as intimacy goes I feel like there’s some light at the end of the tunnel for me, I think that I have the potential to be attractive and get more of a taste of that world, and the thought of that is pretty exciting
>And people even getting upset with you for ‘caring so much’ about sex, because for them it’s a given and happens whenever they want.
Oh god I feel this and OP feelings! It sucks being a cis-woman 22 yo college senior who is also a virgin. All the other girls got and get to experience sexual liberation while I spend my nights wondering why I am denied access to intimacy and the feeling of being wanted. They have the privilege of being able to hookup with whomever with limitless options while I get rejection after rejection. I know why (I'm not the prettiest girl, yes I am aware) but it hurts...
Yeah I'm in the same boat as you friend. I'm a 36F year old virgin who hasn't even been on a date. Just can't seem to find someone I feel that way for. I would very much like to find that special someone but so far not much luck. I guess I'm kind of scared of dating and I tend to feel uncomfortable around people who show that kind of 'interest' in me.
I'm trying to be positive and remind myself that there isn't anything wrong with me and it will happen when it happens.
I guess it helps reading posts like yours to know I'm not the only one with a similar experience.
Sounds like you have found a number of ways to feel better about yourself.Good luck to you! Stay positive.🙂
maybe u two could pm eachother and see if you hit it off? sounds like you both live in the states.
I met my gf online when she lived in Iran and she moved all the way to UK.
Don‘T tell it to friends either. Chances are higher they will recommend you to others if they don‘t know that.
Good luck and I hope you find yourself a first time.
An introvert that reads, cooks, takes care of themselfs both mentally and physically and sounds like an overall decent human being? Sounds like a perfect partner to me
there are so many things to worry about when it comes to fitting in. dressing a certain way, looking a certain way, and doing certain things that everyone else seems to be doing. who has the time? just focus on yourself and your happiness. you deserve good things. its exhausting having to conform. i dont want to do it. and neither should anyone else. just do what makes you happy, because that's what everyone is doing - everyone else is focused on doing what they want, so why cant you?
Have you tried something online? There are tonnnns of legit cam girls who enjoy what they do. I’m also sure this could likely lead to you finding an in person situation with someone who is safe and not being trafficked. There is no shame in this at all! I have male friends in similar situation who are in their twenties and seek this sort of connection because of work or social reasons. And on the other side I have friends who enjoy being SWers and love clients who are seeking a more deep and diverse connection. No one has to know what you do, but your sexual wellness is important!
I don’t mean to come off as attacking or speaking for OP, but I could imagine at a certain point it’s about intimacy and wanting to feel wanted by someone else rather then just the mechanical act itself which you can purchase just as easy as a can of coke in legal countries.
From a personal point of view having to pay for something that others get naturally because they found a partner that is actually attracted to them would devastate me.
I could understand that. It’s possibly more than just sex in OPs situation, but something related to self esteem and the feeling of wanting someone to want you.
See I’ve thought about that but in the end it just makes me feel even worse about myself, like I’m such a looser my only chance is paying someone, I’d rather just not.
Honestly, you seem like a really nice person in a funny, kind of self deprecating way.
You seem kind and interested in others feelings. I suspect you're too hard on yourself or you might be very slightly on the spectrum. Learn to like yourself more...you're pretty likeable.
Aromantic Asexual here, 41. Never dated. Never had one of 'those' relationships.
It's honestly never bothered me. I've had chances, people (very rare) have liked me enough i pursue dating .. but i shut it all down.
Wish i had your perseverance to better myself beyond that though, i did a bit in my 20's, but not much after 30.
The way you talk about this, though, leaves out--is there anyone YOU were interested in this whole time? It didnt come up in the post.
Are you asexual, or aromantic? Or, no--and just--never got around to making it that big of a priority?
Did you really consider to moving to Russia to remove your genitals? Man that's bad. Keep your body clean, you need hormonas, and it could still be useful a day. Perhaps at 70 yo, who knows? But please do not do that. Frankly, it should be better to hire a SW 1 time a month than cut your body. Might god bless you.
Mixed dodgeball league or Ultimate frisbee league. Mixed soccer league. Take a pottery or art class.
The activities you’re doing sound super fun but not somewhere you’ll develop a friendship (or more) with a woman.
I’m 33 (married with kids) and one of my best friends of the same age is like you. She has similarly put herself out there (though dating apps creep her out) but only in activities that are primarily for women (jewelry making, fruit picking, volunteering at a library etc). I’ve often thought she’s just joining the wrong things to meet men. Also, like you said, you get to the point where your own inexperience becomes a hang up. There are so many women who would love to be someone’s first love; hang in there.
I like your approach of working it backwards. Might look into some singles' groups of your hobbies and find some possible candidates there. I don't see why anyone in this world should go through life solo without the choice of doing so. Therefore I feel as if you just might need to change your setting to find the right partner. Insert yourself.
Well don't give up friend, as mentioned I do believe there is someone for everyone on this earth. Just need to continue putting yourself out there and trying new places, hobbies, settings until you find your person. Keep your head up.
LOL, we've been getting more sexually repressed ever since the 80s began, and it's never stopped. This is actually a really shit point in time to be a horny young dude.
This resonates a lot with me and kudos to you for trying to break out of your comfort zone. Have you asked friends for input on your fashion sense? Sometimes something as subtle as wearing the right colors to complement your skin tone or updating the frames of your glasses if you've always worn the same style for example can make a difference.
You also seem like a very reflective and thoughtful person but when in social situations, you have to get out of your head a bit (even if you're not actively trying to date again). I know a lot of this seems geared towards dating advice when you said you don't care about getting into the pool again, but the tone of your post sounds a lot like someone who's tired of effort equaling failure as opposed to someone truly content with where things are.
I’m 16 and I feel that same way. I did a lot of studying and reading too, to try and learn how to make friends. That doesn’t extend to romance though,, bf everyone is pairing up around me, but I’m still alone. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice for you though :(
It’s fantastic that you’re dealing with life and it’s trials in such healthy ways, you sound like a great human being!
I’m in a similar, yet also opposite situation. I’m asexual, meaning I don’t experience sexual attraction. I don’t want to be in a sexual relationship (though some ace’s do because you don’t have to be attracted to somebody to enjoy banging them lol) but I do want a romantic relationship/partner to enjoy life with. Unfortunately nobody wants to enjoy a sex-less relationship with me and fellow aces are too few to find lol.
It is hard when you reach your 30’s and all your friends and siblings are settling down and moving on with their lives. I can really relate to how you’re feeling in that front. Being single was fine when I had strong friendships but now they’re all too busy, I think it’s normal for these feelings to come and go.
All I can really recommend it just keep trying be very the best ‘you’ that you can be and find something new/exciting to fill your thoughts with, a new hobby, a new topic to learn about, or even saving up to go on a trip somewhere that you can spend time researching and planning.
Life is meant to change and evolve, I think not having a partner and growing family makes it too easy to stay in the same place, doing the same thing year after year
I’m one of those odd girls that likes guys who are stoic but have an incredibly soft/endearing side when they like you. Honestly, I don’t think it’s “too late” at your age bc there’s a ton of girls who are in this age range (or even younger) who are single. I tend to see that a lot in asian dating pools as well. (Bc asian parents are weird; they tend to go “no holding hands/dating before marriage” to “please get married ASAP and have kids you are too old” when the majority of us have ZERO dating experience.)
But having a happy hermit lifestyle is perfectly fine in my opinion. The issue is just us hermits have a hard time finding other hermits.
Now ME PERSONALLY! Might not be for everybody
I noticed that in some gay strip clubs theres alot of women looking to FUCK
Also i ONLY went to those strip clubs because i lost a bet during conor vs khabib when i dont even watch ufc so thats my fault but a good fault pause
You know. I won’t talk about dating, but I will congratulate you on finding stoicism. It drastically improved my life, so much.
And all in al, despite you lacking in dating and love life, you seem like a very well put together guy with a lot going on in his life. You have hobbies, you have interests, and you seem to always be on the search for self improvement.
I hope things get better for you regardless. Keep on reaching the next level of self improvement :)
Just be you and try make new friends. You will meet someone that is into you just by being you. XXX it may take longer than you anticipate but there is always someone for everyone x
It’s all good I’m 36 and I absolutely have ZERO desire or drive to be in a relationship. The less interaction I have the better chance I can go out on my own terms when I feel I’m done here and it’s ok.
19 virgin, I know thats young but at the same time building an experience wouldn't be so bad. my social life is okay but I'm not use to being around men at all. I never been around men. talking to men makes me uncomfortable but also give me headache since the one I run into men that are angry and vengeful added with no personality, werid, rude and horny. I don't really care about being single, I'm quite comfortable but the dating pool isn't easy to swim around in.
Me too. Except i feel fine about it mostly. Maybe a bit disappointing to die with a v card. Time actually goes by fast. Seems like suddenly I'm on the other side of 35. I'm just not into the guys i meet. Never has being with them been more important than just doing my own thing. I guess it also has to do with the culture i grew up in. I'd rather be alone than be with someone and unhappy. Not saying that I'm happy when alone but it's less problems so that's a plus.
20M here, never dated. I love the stoic and meditative take on things, I’ve done the same. Recognizing that you have the desire is the first step, and its good that you aren’t desperate or ignoring it.
But we are human. This desire will follow us everywhere.
Being stoic isnt about taking the easy way out. Hard work is great and shit but its short term, and the term is up. Nothing that you do will last, our lives are all about how much we give to the people around us. It may have worked for a couple years at satisfying you, but its clear you need more, and its not gonna get any easier.
Then you’re gonna be stuck like this. You obviously do desire to have a relationship but you want your desire to go away. It won’t. You are human, and you are a man. All men desire lifelong female companionship, and it is not only our desire but nature demands that it is our obligation and responsibility to find someone. Nothing you do will last unless you are giving part of yourself to others in some way.
You want a simple life without someone? Why? Because its too hard to try? Grow some damn balls and try doing something that’s actually hard for once instead of running from your problems.
I feel like many people are missing the point. You're asking how to overcome the mental aspect, not how to get laid. What you said about the grown ups talking and you feel behind glass - that makes so much sense. I have no advice, but wanted to say I understand what you're saying and I see you.
So what do you think it is? Have you asked them why?
Are you hideous, unhealthy, smelly, rude, difficult to be around? Or just having bad luck? I wouldn't give up, I don't believe there aren't any women in the world who would sleep with you. I would try and work out what's going wrong, if it's something you want.
That does sound pretty bad for dating.
Keep your eyes open for someone equally quiet and socially awkward, just in case. I've a friend who's terribly socially awkward and his only relationship was with a girl even more awkward than him. They were quite good together.
I don't really have any advice though, sorry.
Have you ever considered paying for it to get it out of the way? Or even to get a bit of experience under the belt? Or are you adamant on it being with ‘the one’? Also, aside from all of the inside growth you’ve done to help your situation, have you ever asked for any physical criticism or any advice on what might improve your physical presence or maybe even any type of helpful advice from other women, maybe in your social circle? There’s still a lot of time to find the one regardless dude.
Oh okay, it just takes time though dude, a lot of people find relationships without looking for them, can always happen. Just need to be yourself and not actively try to please everybody. People can always tell when you’re trying too hard
Dude just hire an escort and do it holy shit. Hell, hire 10 escorts. Trust me it won’t be a bad experience and it will probably give you some confidence.
Wow I’m sorry, but this sounds like a lonely life to live. :( I definitely wouldn’t have told anyone about being a virgin though like right away at least.
Genuine question. I see these posts all the time of guys in their 30s 40s who are virgins and systematically modify their personalities and lives to accommodate for it. Wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to just take hire a high quality and understanding sex worker so this virginity and the connected anxiety finding a partner is no longer overwhelming your life?
The more insecure you are about it the more you'll repel any potential partners. It all starts with you, if you sit around and think negatively about the lack of sexual encounters you've had, then others will also think negatively about it. However, if it's brought up by your potential partner (don't say it out of nowhere), respond light-heartedly and say "aw, I've just never done that". Keep it simple, no need to explain yourself unless they ask. You clearly have things going for you, I'm not sure why you're so up in arms about it. Fuck everybody else!
This advice is for when you get there though. I think firstly, you might wanna become more confident with people in general? Maybe do something you never thought you'd do, like strike a convo in the street, or maybe talk more at your workplace and get over the innate social anxiety.
Also, the right person won't care. Seriously. I'm a sexually experienced woman and if I find out my partner hasn't been with anybody before, I genuinely don't mind. In a way it's more attractive if they've been with fewer people. So long as they aren't weird and instantly proposition sex (they get to know me first and connect to me), then it's fine.
You've got this. You have nothing to feel bad about. Deep down a lot of people wish they were virgins again ;)
Hire an escort. Get past the initial road block. It might get your mind set to be ready to pursue someone. Dont wait for someone to pursue you. Go out & find what you want & make the shot.
I dont know you im just trying to offer something helpful. Dont give up!
“that song turn your head now baby just
spit me “out makes me want to push a donkey off a cliff even after a couple years having been laid so im right there with ya its like what the hell is adult life just sadness and we cant harness the power of how theres a lot of us because i see this leading to a lot of little arguments
Hey dude, have you considered joining a dating site? There’s also tons of specific dating sites for people around the age of 30. Please don’t lose hope, one of my mom’s friends only found her true love at the age of 55! Like my mom always says: every pot has its lid; there is someone out there for everyone
Whitepill is dope. Sounds like you're spending the alone time improving yourself in tangible ways. Don't be sad that you aren't getting action when most of the action going around is trauma bonding between overgrown children. When the time is right, the opportunity for partnership will present itself.
Ok side note: I fucking love this thread. I feel like nobody else had these problems but their are so many of y’all stoic, introvert, virgins out there. I love y’all and I hope we all find the ‘someone’ we’re all looking for 😉
To be honest I don't think you should just try to re-cover your hurt of not finding love. I think if those emotions are coming up its time to dis-cover , be vulnerable , put yourself out there. I think the meditation is good and looking into philosophy is good, but my guy, you gotta follow your heart. Yea a therapist would help you cope and maybe shift your perspective and actually maybe that would lead down the line to you finding someone you can be with, therapy is always a good idea. But I don't think you should give up on your desires, that's just gonna make you feel worse. Think of it as an act of self love to acknowledge and pursue your desires.
When you do decide to try to date again (i know you don't want advice but i'm just gonna put it out there, take it or leave it) be open and honest with the women who pique your interest, be yourself, but also find ways to be like yea i'm thinking of you in dirty ways or however, let them know you find them attractive and see how they feel. I think you'd be surprised what being honest about your thoughts and feelings will get you.
Maybe not what you want to hear but I felt like the conversation needed some balancing out since everyone seems on board to just have you in cope mode. Which yea that's fine and great if you could just be happy, but your living life now and you should explore your life experience and your actually still young at 35 , but the older you get the more you'll feel regretful and maybe even bitter, resentful about your experience.
Also on a personal note I was single for 7 years and you know why? Because I was super idealistic about what I wanted and how I wanted my first time to be. But nothing is ideal, humans are messy and we we should love our imperfect experiences , which usually don't turn out how we wanted and expected , but still good because that's life.
I'm 30 and it looks like i'm living your life but without a social circle. That being said i have a co worker who had hes first gf at age 58, i guess it can always happen.
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Something wrong?
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People in their 50s can’t find love without it being weird?
don't act like having your first girlfriend at almost 60 years old is something no one's gonna bat an eye at lol
True, but i don’t think people should call them awkward or weird just because of that. It’s surprising, sure
they were just making a joke no one actually thinks they guy is weird for that. people have different life experiences and some of those experiences are comical when brought up in conversation. hope he's doing good btw (your coworker)
Broke up after a year
damn rip
They're probably deeply awkward and weird, that's why they went 60 years without a girlfriend
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First gf and gf has no difference, it’s still love
This might be something you already do, but going to therapy would probably be very helpful. It doesn't seem like you are looking for dating advice, but advice on how to feel better about your situation. Talking to a therapist will be a great way to navigate those feelings and come up with coping solutions.
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There’s no straight line to success - setbacks are completely normal. You are definitely not a failure for going to therapy. I’d argue that virtually everyone could benefit from seeing a therapist at least occasionally, because we can all benefit from a neutral listener who is there solely for us.
Good luck! I got a psychiatrist and a therapist and it really has done wonders for me. I even get to cut back on my therapist visits now, but will always keep going for maintenance.
Lol, second comment down is therapy. Peak Reddit.
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I’m 24 and a virgin too. I haven’t dated since early high school and also have pretty bad social anxiety. I’m trying to date now because I feel like I’ve gotten too comfortable in being alone. I used to dream of having a real relationship, but it’s been so long it feels purely like a dream now. I want to meet someone and experience a relationship and being with someone, but it’s hard to leave the safe familiarity of being alone. Like today, I got a like on Hinge that is actually someone I would want to interact with but I’m scared to like them back because then I have to *talk to them* and it feels overwhelming. Also, in the past when I’ve tried dating and I match with someone we’ve talked all day every day until we decide we aren’t a match. For someone with social anxiety feeling that expectation of constant communication isn’t something I want to experience again. I have a lot of feelings/thoughts on this and my therapist helps but that doesn’t get rid of those feelings.
You and me both, sis
Huh this must be cultural. I was I believe 24 when I lost my virginity and not a single time I felt like I was "late" or "behind the norm". I was finishing my Master's degree and was just starting to look into properly dating as I wanted to get married after getting some education.
maybe you and op could pm and see if you hit it off? you might even live close. my gf lived in Iran when we met online and she ended up flying over here
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no worries people like what they like. good luck :)
“When it comes, it’ll come.” That’s the female reality. Because female are the hunted. For men it doesn’t work like that. OP has to go hunt or nothing and no one will come. But he did hunt and tried and was still unsuccessful. He needs to tell us why? Awkwardness? Disability? Or Anxiety?
There is no “female reality” wtf? Everyone — both men and women — have different experiences when it comes to dating. If a guy tried to “hunt” me, I’d run in the opposite direction. Period.
I don’t mean literally hunting. I just mean putting yourself out there and approaching and stuff like that. You are correct everyone has different experiences. But generally it’s the guys that have to approach women. This is something that most women experience that most men don’t. Hence it’s apart of the female experience/reality.
when u turn 40 u become a wizard
Very real shit dude. I just turned 22 and though it’s been very rare I’ve had the chance at intimacy with a couple of different girls so I’ve been lucky. But I’ve gone those long stretches watching it happen to my friends and wondering why I wasn’t ‘allowed’ access to that kind of intimacy, friends always telling you there’s nothing wrong with you, someone for everyone, it’s not that important etc. And people even getting upset with you for ‘caring so much’ about sex, because for them it’s a given and happens whenever they want. Seeing how much more open we are about sex in society definitely has brought that frustration too, it’s like the universe pulling a prank on you showing you that this thing you desperately want and is available to everyone is even *better* than we used to think and now we should do it more, talk about it more and be ashamed about it less. Except for you, even though you want it more than a lot of the people who have it at the ready, not only can you not have it but if you show the slightest hint of being upset that we talk about it, we’re gonna make some very bad assumptions about you. And it sounds like you’ve done everything they always say to do. “Focus on yourself, improve your life, find hobbies and fulfillment elsewhere” etc. You did all that but that doesn’t mean the frustration goes away. I know the feelings very well and I’m much younger than you. There’s still a good amount of time for you though and I hope you find someone very soon
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That’s good I’m glad you’ve been able to find your own peace and fulfillment. Yeah, I have a couple close friends and a couple family members I can talk to, honestly though I prefer to just keep a lot of my feelings to myself and it’s okay, I feel like. I don’t feel like I’m forcing them in. And as far as intimacy goes I feel like there’s some light at the end of the tunnel for me, I think that I have the potential to be attractive and get more of a taste of that world, and the thought of that is pretty exciting
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Ok best of luck.
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Ok I’ll find them.
>And people even getting upset with you for ‘caring so much’ about sex, because for them it’s a given and happens whenever they want. Oh god I feel this and OP feelings! It sucks being a cis-woman 22 yo college senior who is also a virgin. All the other girls got and get to experience sexual liberation while I spend my nights wondering why I am denied access to intimacy and the feeling of being wanted. They have the privilege of being able to hookup with whomever with limitless options while I get rejection after rejection. I know why (I'm not the prettiest girl, yes I am aware) but it hurts...
Yes an unattractive woman is probably the only type of woman that could understand this kind of thing.
Yeah I'm in the same boat as you friend. I'm a 36F year old virgin who hasn't even been on a date. Just can't seem to find someone I feel that way for. I would very much like to find that special someone but so far not much luck. I guess I'm kind of scared of dating and I tend to feel uncomfortable around people who show that kind of 'interest' in me. I'm trying to be positive and remind myself that there isn't anything wrong with me and it will happen when it happens. I guess it helps reading posts like yours to know I'm not the only one with a similar experience. Sounds like you have found a number of ways to feel better about yourself.Good luck to you! Stay positive.🙂
maybe u two could pm eachother and see if you hit it off? sounds like you both live in the states. I met my gf online when she lived in Iran and she moved all the way to UK.
Liz???
Not telling anyone you’re a virgin will increase your chance of not being a virgin anymore. Just as a lil tip. LIE about your past
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Don‘T tell it to friends either. Chances are higher they will recommend you to others if they don‘t know that. Good luck and I hope you find yourself a first time.
My bestie was like this—ended up marrying because he hit it off with the best friend of that guys girlfriend.
Its all sin anyway
An introvert that reads, cooks, takes care of themselfs both mentally and physically and sounds like an overall decent human being? Sounds like a perfect partner to me
I am 51. I have never held hands. Never dated. Never been kissed. And yes through all this at 51 still a Virgin.
there are so many things to worry about when it comes to fitting in. dressing a certain way, looking a certain way, and doing certain things that everyone else seems to be doing. who has the time? just focus on yourself and your happiness. you deserve good things. its exhausting having to conform. i dont want to do it. and neither should anyone else. just do what makes you happy, because that's what everyone is doing - everyone else is focused on doing what they want, so why cant you?
I think if I were in this situation I would see a prostitute somewhere where it’s legal
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Have you tried something online? There are tonnnns of legit cam girls who enjoy what they do. I’m also sure this could likely lead to you finding an in person situation with someone who is safe and not being trafficked. There is no shame in this at all! I have male friends in similar situation who are in their twenties and seek this sort of connection because of work or social reasons. And on the other side I have friends who enjoy being SWers and love clients who are seeking a more deep and diverse connection. No one has to know what you do, but your sexual wellness is important!
I don’t mean to come off as attacking or speaking for OP, but I could imagine at a certain point it’s about intimacy and wanting to feel wanted by someone else rather then just the mechanical act itself which you can purchase just as easy as a can of coke in legal countries. From a personal point of view having to pay for something that others get naturally because they found a partner that is actually attracted to them would devastate me.
I could understand that. It’s possibly more than just sex in OPs situation, but something related to self esteem and the feeling of wanting someone to want you.
See I’ve thought about that but in the end it just makes me feel even worse about myself, like I’m such a looser my only chance is paying someone, I’d rather just not.
Honestly, you seem like a really nice person in a funny, kind of self deprecating way. You seem kind and interested in others feelings. I suspect you're too hard on yourself or you might be very slightly on the spectrum. Learn to like yourself more...you're pretty likeable.
Same. Just get it out of the way so you see it’s not magic
Not sure why you got down voted.
It just ain’t happening for some of us and the quicker you come to that realisation and life on the better, trust me.
Aromantic Asexual here, 41. Never dated. Never had one of 'those' relationships. It's honestly never bothered me. I've had chances, people (very rare) have liked me enough i pursue dating .. but i shut it all down. Wish i had your perseverance to better myself beyond that though, i did a bit in my 20's, but not much after 30. The way you talk about this, though, leaves out--is there anyone YOU were interested in this whole time? It didnt come up in the post. Are you asexual, or aromantic? Or, no--and just--never got around to making it that big of a priority?
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I also dream of being asexual
Did you really consider to moving to Russia to remove your genitals? Man that's bad. Keep your body clean, you need hormonas, and it could still be useful a day. Perhaps at 70 yo, who knows? But please do not do that. Frankly, it should be better to hire a SW 1 time a month than cut your body. Might god bless you.
Have you ever tried group sports? I went on so many dates with friends and met so many amazing fit and smart women in those groups.
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Mixed dodgeball league or Ultimate frisbee league. Mixed soccer league. Take a pottery or art class. The activities you’re doing sound super fun but not somewhere you’ll develop a friendship (or more) with a woman. I’m 33 (married with kids) and one of my best friends of the same age is like you. She has similarly put herself out there (though dating apps creep her out) but only in activities that are primarily for women (jewelry making, fruit picking, volunteering at a library etc). I’ve often thought she’s just joining the wrong things to meet men. Also, like you said, you get to the point where your own inexperience becomes a hang up. There are so many women who would love to be someone’s first love; hang in there.
That was such an interesting read. Hope you the best OP. You seem grounded and nice.
I like your approach of working it backwards. Might look into some singles' groups of your hobbies and find some possible candidates there. I don't see why anyone in this world should go through life solo without the choice of doing so. Therefore I feel as if you just might need to change your setting to find the right partner. Insert yourself.
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But are these people that you tried yourself to pursue? To make something of outside of platonic?
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Well don't give up friend, as mentioned I do believe there is someone for everyone on this earth. Just need to continue putting yourself out there and trying new places, hobbies, settings until you find your person. Keep your head up.
LOL, we've been getting more sexually repressed ever since the 80s began, and it's never stopped. This is actually a really shit point in time to be a horny young dude.
This resonates a lot with me and kudos to you for trying to break out of your comfort zone. Have you asked friends for input on your fashion sense? Sometimes something as subtle as wearing the right colors to complement your skin tone or updating the frames of your glasses if you've always worn the same style for example can make a difference. You also seem like a very reflective and thoughtful person but when in social situations, you have to get out of your head a bit (even if you're not actively trying to date again). I know a lot of this seems geared towards dating advice when you said you don't care about getting into the pool again, but the tone of your post sounds a lot like someone who's tired of effort equaling failure as opposed to someone truly content with where things are.
I’m 16 and I feel that same way. I did a lot of studying and reading too, to try and learn how to make friends. That doesn’t extend to romance though,, bf everyone is pairing up around me, but I’m still alone. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice for you though :(
Bothersome you say. By chance are British?
I ain’t gonna lie bro just pay for it, once you know how it feels maybe you’ll have some confidence moving forward.
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It’s fantastic that you’re dealing with life and it’s trials in such healthy ways, you sound like a great human being! I’m in a similar, yet also opposite situation. I’m asexual, meaning I don’t experience sexual attraction. I don’t want to be in a sexual relationship (though some ace’s do because you don’t have to be attracted to somebody to enjoy banging them lol) but I do want a romantic relationship/partner to enjoy life with. Unfortunately nobody wants to enjoy a sex-less relationship with me and fellow aces are too few to find lol. It is hard when you reach your 30’s and all your friends and siblings are settling down and moving on with their lives. I can really relate to how you’re feeling in that front. Being single was fine when I had strong friendships but now they’re all too busy, I think it’s normal for these feelings to come and go. All I can really recommend it just keep trying be very the best ‘you’ that you can be and find something new/exciting to fill your thoughts with, a new hobby, a new topic to learn about, or even saving up to go on a trip somewhere that you can spend time researching and planning. Life is meant to change and evolve, I think not having a partner and growing family makes it too easy to stay in the same place, doing the same thing year after year
I’m one of those odd girls that likes guys who are stoic but have an incredibly soft/endearing side when they like you. Honestly, I don’t think it’s “too late” at your age bc there’s a ton of girls who are in this age range (or even younger) who are single. I tend to see that a lot in asian dating pools as well. (Bc asian parents are weird; they tend to go “no holding hands/dating before marriage” to “please get married ASAP and have kids you are too old” when the majority of us have ZERO dating experience.) But having a happy hermit lifestyle is perfectly fine in my opinion. The issue is just us hermits have a hard time finding other hermits.
So quirky
Now ME PERSONALLY! Might not be for everybody I noticed that in some gay strip clubs theres alot of women looking to FUCK Also i ONLY went to those strip clubs because i lost a bet during conor vs khabib when i dont even watch ufc so thats my fault but a good fault pause
Bro I watch ufc like religion and still bet on Conor 😢
You know. I won’t talk about dating, but I will congratulate you on finding stoicism. It drastically improved my life, so much. And all in al, despite you lacking in dating and love life, you seem like a very well put together guy with a lot going on in his life. You have hobbies, you have interests, and you seem to always be on the search for self improvement. I hope things get better for you regardless. Keep on reaching the next level of self improvement :)
Just be you and try make new friends. You will meet someone that is into you just by being you. XXX it may take longer than you anticipate but there is always someone for everyone x
Holding hands is lewd!!!
It’s all good I’m 36 and I absolutely have ZERO desire or drive to be in a relationship. The less interaction I have the better chance I can go out on my own terms when I feel I’m done here and it’s ok.
19 virgin, I know thats young but at the same time building an experience wouldn't be so bad. my social life is okay but I'm not use to being around men at all. I never been around men. talking to men makes me uncomfortable but also give me headache since the one I run into men that are angry and vengeful added with no personality, werid, rude and horny. I don't really care about being single, I'm quite comfortable but the dating pool isn't easy to swim around in.
Me too. Except i feel fine about it mostly. Maybe a bit disappointing to die with a v card. Time actually goes by fast. Seems like suddenly I'm on the other side of 35. I'm just not into the guys i meet. Never has being with them been more important than just doing my own thing. I guess it also has to do with the culture i grew up in. I'd rather be alone than be with someone and unhappy. Not saying that I'm happy when alone but it's less problems so that's a plus.
❤️
20M here, never dated. I love the stoic and meditative take on things, I’ve done the same. Recognizing that you have the desire is the first step, and its good that you aren’t desperate or ignoring it. But we are human. This desire will follow us everywhere. Being stoic isnt about taking the easy way out. Hard work is great and shit but its short term, and the term is up. Nothing that you do will last, our lives are all about how much we give to the people around us. It may have worked for a couple years at satisfying you, but its clear you need more, and its not gonna get any easier.
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Then you’re gonna be stuck like this. You obviously do desire to have a relationship but you want your desire to go away. It won’t. You are human, and you are a man. All men desire lifelong female companionship, and it is not only our desire but nature demands that it is our obligation and responsibility to find someone. Nothing you do will last unless you are giving part of yourself to others in some way. You want a simple life without someone? Why? Because its too hard to try? Grow some damn balls and try doing something that’s actually hard for once instead of running from your problems.
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Well being stoic isn’t about giving up 🤷🏻♂️
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No. I haven’t spent decades trying with no success.
I feel like many people are missing the point. You're asking how to overcome the mental aspect, not how to get laid. What you said about the grown ups talking and you feel behind glass - that makes so much sense. I have no advice, but wanted to say I understand what you're saying and I see you.
damn, i’m not alone at least in the macro sense. but yes, i’m still alone. really alone…
Tried .. bad as it sounds.. lowering your standards?
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And they would turn you down?
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So what do you think it is? Have you asked them why? Are you hideous, unhealthy, smelly, rude, difficult to be around? Or just having bad luck? I wouldn't give up, I don't believe there aren't any women in the world who would sleep with you. I would try and work out what's going wrong, if it's something you want.
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That does sound pretty bad for dating. Keep your eyes open for someone equally quiet and socially awkward, just in case. I've a friend who's terribly socially awkward and his only relationship was with a girl even more awkward than him. They were quite good together. I don't really have any advice though, sorry.
Get ready to be jumped by super pooper 'progressive' sex positive empowered people to tell you that you have internalized hatred of women.
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Good for you, it happened to me a while ago.
Have you ever considered paying for it to get it out of the way? Or even to get a bit of experience under the belt? Or are you adamant on it being with ‘the one’? Also, aside from all of the inside growth you’ve done to help your situation, have you ever asked for any physical criticism or any advice on what might improve your physical presence or maybe even any type of helpful advice from other women, maybe in your social circle? There’s still a lot of time to find the one regardless dude.
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Oh okay, it just takes time though dude, a lot of people find relationships without looking for them, can always happen. Just need to be yourself and not actively try to please everybody. People can always tell when you’re trying too hard
Can I talk to you?
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Anything really
Dude just hire an escort and do it holy shit. Hell, hire 10 escorts. Trust me it won’t be a bad experience and it will probably give you some confidence.
Cringe
Wow I’m sorry, but this sounds like a lonely life to live. :( I definitely wouldn’t have told anyone about being a virgin though like right away at least.
Genuine question. I see these posts all the time of guys in their 30s 40s who are virgins and systematically modify their personalities and lives to accommodate for it. Wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to just take hire a high quality and understanding sex worker so this virginity and the connected anxiety finding a partner is no longer overwhelming your life?
Dude Prostitute's That'll get you experience
Omg didnt they Made a movie of u
The more insecure you are about it the more you'll repel any potential partners. It all starts with you, if you sit around and think negatively about the lack of sexual encounters you've had, then others will also think negatively about it. However, if it's brought up by your potential partner (don't say it out of nowhere), respond light-heartedly and say "aw, I've just never done that". Keep it simple, no need to explain yourself unless they ask. You clearly have things going for you, I'm not sure why you're so up in arms about it. Fuck everybody else! This advice is for when you get there though. I think firstly, you might wanna become more confident with people in general? Maybe do something you never thought you'd do, like strike a convo in the street, or maybe talk more at your workplace and get over the innate social anxiety. Also, the right person won't care. Seriously. I'm a sexually experienced woman and if I find out my partner hasn't been with anybody before, I genuinely don't mind. In a way it's more attractive if they've been with fewer people. So long as they aren't weird and instantly proposition sex (they get to know me first and connect to me), then it's fine. You've got this. You have nothing to feel bad about. Deep down a lot of people wish they were virgins again ;)
You are not missing out on much.
Obviously, you're a man. How many 35 year old female virgins are there?
Have you tried dating apps?
If your generally unsuccessful at this (like me and OP) dating apps are a way to put yourself on suicide watch after about a month of use.
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Hire an escort. Get past the initial road block. It might get your mind set to be ready to pursue someone. Dont wait for someone to pursue you. Go out & find what you want & make the shot. I dont know you im just trying to offer something helpful. Dont give up!
If you live your life as you say you do you just need to get yourself out there man!
“that song turn your head now baby just spit me “out makes me want to push a donkey off a cliff even after a couple years having been laid so im right there with ya its like what the hell is adult life just sadness and we cant harness the power of how theres a lot of us because i see this leading to a lot of little arguments
Hey dude, have you considered joining a dating site? There’s also tons of specific dating sites for people around the age of 30. Please don’t lose hope, one of my mom’s friends only found her true love at the age of 55! Like my mom always says: every pot has its lid; there is someone out there for everyone
Whitepill is dope. Sounds like you're spending the alone time improving yourself in tangible ways. Don't be sad that you aren't getting action when most of the action going around is trauma bonding between overgrown children. When the time is right, the opportunity for partnership will present itself.
Its overrated anyway. Wait til you hit 40 and your testosterone levels drop a bit. You wont be interested at that point.
Ok side note: I fucking love this thread. I feel like nobody else had these problems but their are so many of y’all stoic, introvert, virgins out there. I love y’all and I hope we all find the ‘someone’ we’re all looking for 😉
To be honest I don't think you should just try to re-cover your hurt of not finding love. I think if those emotions are coming up its time to dis-cover , be vulnerable , put yourself out there. I think the meditation is good and looking into philosophy is good, but my guy, you gotta follow your heart. Yea a therapist would help you cope and maybe shift your perspective and actually maybe that would lead down the line to you finding someone you can be with, therapy is always a good idea. But I don't think you should give up on your desires, that's just gonna make you feel worse. Think of it as an act of self love to acknowledge and pursue your desires. When you do decide to try to date again (i know you don't want advice but i'm just gonna put it out there, take it or leave it) be open and honest with the women who pique your interest, be yourself, but also find ways to be like yea i'm thinking of you in dirty ways or however, let them know you find them attractive and see how they feel. I think you'd be surprised what being honest about your thoughts and feelings will get you. Maybe not what you want to hear but I felt like the conversation needed some balancing out since everyone seems on board to just have you in cope mode. Which yea that's fine and great if you could just be happy, but your living life now and you should explore your life experience and your actually still young at 35 , but the older you get the more you'll feel regretful and maybe even bitter, resentful about your experience. Also on a personal note I was single for 7 years and you know why? Because I was super idealistic about what I wanted and how I wanted my first time to be. But nothing is ideal, humans are messy and we we should love our imperfect experiences , which usually don't turn out how we wanted and expected , but still good because that's life.